#one time i had a therapist and i was explaining some of the health stuff i was dealing with at the time

[gregmarriage]

okay, so i need to redye my hair, bc my roots are coming through. so, maybe that explains the dream i just had, where all my dream friends were going to dye my hair for me

[abyssalscreaming]

.

[bisonaari]

I don't know if it has been done here before because I don't look around, but I have thoughts about the album and I need to share them with someone or I'm gonna go INSANE

Put your tinfoil hats on for my analysis of everything around People's Champion under the cut (probably people have talked about it and I'm just gonna repeat stuff, be warned)

So I've been a bit insane about People's Champion and I've started to think super hard about the order of the songs. I think, in my opinion, that the songs are arranged to tell the story of his life and career from right after UMK 2023 until now.

Ready To Go: This is where we start. Just post UMK, people didn't fully believe in him yet. I remember people saying "oh yeah sweden is sending someone who already won esc, but we're sending… Jere from Vantaa????". Hence the chorus, where people want to see him fail. But he's ready, he knows that he can do it. He's gonna go through and give his EVERYTHING. The mood of the song is really hopeful, with big intense guitar.

Cha Cha Cha: Do I need to explain this one here? I'm still not over this hahaha, I don't think I'll ever be. But this is where events take a turn for him, hence why it's so early in the album, even though it's his biggest song. Because he has so much to say after Cha Cha Cha happened.

Takavoltti: This is where things start to fuck up. He doesn't want to stay on his butt now that he has achieved celebrity and starts to take on so many, many gigs. A lot of us were worried for his health when we saw how much he was performing during summer 2023. But in the song, he says that he only saw opportunities and he just had to continue to take them. It takes a toll on his body. It starts to hurt, but he goes through it. That mad man. Also a couple of times in the song, people ask him to do stuff. Like a little circus monkey. And he just ends up hurting himself.

Ruoska: The bad comments start to really get to him. In the video, Erika and Käärijä are both dressed and perform as aliens. They've completely been striped of their humanity. They're just gimmicks that you can insult anonymously on the internet. Who cares anyway, they chose this life for themselves. It's their own fault. While the previous song was still a bit on the funny side, this one digs straight into the hardships that they feel. There is no more humour, only pain.

Kot Kot: He's still doing too much. While everyone has gone home, he's still drunk on the dancefloor, trying to reach out for friends who were wiser and left. He's being dragged out of there against his will, because he's so stubborn. Pushing through isn't working anymore, and people around him aren't letting him hurt himself anymore.

Skit: An appointment with a therapist. Käärijä is being cut off CONSTANTLY by the therapist, who can't see Jere as a patient. He sees Käärijä, the star. Even when he's trying to seek help, he isn't listened to. Because he's not human anymore for people at that point.

Autiomaa: Käärijä is breaking down. In the video, the therapist from the skit is taking a picture of him during the appointment. The feeling of loneliness and emptiness is around him all the time, omnipresent, eating him alive. He just wants someone to see him as a person, to listen to him, to help him with the void.

Sex=Money: At that point, you know, might as well. You're not human anymore, who cares. Why not try to get some money selling your ass. Who's gonna care anyway, sex sells and that's what people want to see, right? He made so much money on onlyfans, the press is acting shocked that he would even do that. The song is back to a bit light-hearted. My interpretation would be that he just finds the situation ridiculous, and that's why we're getting humour back in the lyrics!

Bananas: I'm not sure how this one fits in my theory, but we're SO back for humour. Kääriä is getting better. I think that in this one he found resolve to just continue going on. He's annoyed because people still only see him as an object, but he has to go through and live his life. Show must go on.

Huhhuhhei: Quite interesting to put a love song in this timeline in the story. But I think it's because he wants to live in the present, and not in anxieties from the past and the fear of the future. He doesn't know if the person sharing his bed is still gonna be there in the morning, but whatever, it's not important. Tonight, they're his and that's what matters. Thinking of tomorrow isn't gonna bring anything good.

It's Crazy It's Party: He's still stuck in the parties, they're around him all the time. He's still doing a million gigs in Finland and in europe. And just as the song is quite close to Cha Cha Cha, he's back at the beginning, the situation hasn't changed much. But this time, by the end, he goes to the party again, by his own will. And this time, he has people around to party with him.

People's Champion: We're back babes. This song is a love letter to people who love him. This is a great wrap around for this album. He's just remembering how everything went, from the start, until this point. Going through every point and emotion we've been through with him during the album. But in the end, he IS people's champion. He did it. He made it. And even with all the hardships, he's with us, when our hearts all sing together. The last line of this album that isn't a chorus is "Thank you everybody, I love you".

What a journey

So something that you have noticed that I've talked a lot is how people don't recognize Käärijä's humanity. He has been made into a kind of creature of gimmicks. You can ask him everything, you can say everything to his face. Whatever, he's a celebrity, not a person.

And this is where that cover is a GENIUS move.

On the cover, there are NO gimmicks. No bolero, no bowl cut, no bare chest with a tattoo. Just his face. You HAVE to watch his face, there is nothing else to see. You have to watch his emotion being raw, he's crying. This is not a pleasant cover to see. And I know, I've had spotify open on his face all day friday while I was working, it felt awful. But it makes you do something.

You have to acknowledge his humanity. And there's no way around it.

I love Käärijä

[moodymisty]

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙| 𝕬𝖔3 ]

Author’s note: Send help. Send a therapist I don’t know I just need some form of mental health assistance.

Relationships: Typhus/Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW (god save me), Disgusting Nurgle stuff, Fingering, Like 72 degrees of unsafe sex, Implied sex pollen/aphrodisiac, Noncon, Stockholm syndrome, Tentacles,

It’s a massive room, at one point it might have been a cathedral; To Mortarion, to the Emperor, or who else else the Death Guard worshiped before falling to Nurgle. Slime leaks from the walls and rusts away at the metal, eating holes in piping and supports alike. Tentacles, spores and other types of biomass litter it, with little botflies fluttering about. What they're doing you don't know, but they catch your eye every now and again.

It's not as if you can do much else. He's taken your hope, your energy, your home.

In the center of all this rot and decay is your place; A flowerbed of sickly blossoms and blooms, moss and mushrooms all infected by Nurgle.

A beautiful flowerbed for his own little Isha, Calas had said. Though he’s no longer Calas, is he? Typhon has become Typhus, and you've become prisoner.

You now lay on your bed of rotten blooms, picking at flower petals. You can’t escape him- even if you escaped this massive rotten cathedral, where would you go? This ship is his, and you’re deep in what is now heretic space.

He won’t let you die; He won’t let you leave. Bare skin lays against the sticky moss, spores brushing against you.

He’d taken your clothes after the last time, other than the thin cloth that serves as a near useless, dress. You suppose he finds a sort of elegance to it- a maiden in white amidst a pit of disgust. Another parallel to Isha. He's been meticulous in recreating it all so he has his own glimmer of light betwixt a defiled cathedral and a ship of the most putrid diseases.

You can only lay hopeless, displayed on your flowerbed underneath corruption forming a mockery of trees with budded flowers, rotten petals falling to the floor. Typhus’ own altar to whatever desires he has in his head.

Suddenly movement causes you to raise upward, restoring your sanity and consciousness. You’ve never heard even close to this much noise before, not even when the Death Guard were forming up to invade a poor, hopeless planet.

“In here!”

You turn your head to the massive cathedral doors, watching them shake before giving way and pushing apart with loud creaking. Your heart pounds in your chest with more hope than you’ve ever had before, at the sight.

It’s Astartes! A squad of them. You don’t know where they’re from or what they’re doing here, but they’re here to save you from this. Save you from him. To finally either pull you from this rotten ship or kill you here, and finally end this state of undeath Typhus has you lingering in.

One of the Astartes comes closer and reaches for you, and you weakly reach out a hand for him. You try to touch it, but you don’t make contact; it’s like your hand nearly falls through.

“What happened?”

He says, and you wish you had the ability to explain. How Calas has changed, the ship becoming nothing more than a vessel of disgust and disease.

“Help me,” You weakly say, but it feels like you’re trying to speak underwater.

Where did the other Astartes disappear to?

The marine’s armored hand reaches down to grasp your bare arm, and you think you hear him say your name. But how would he know it?

He says it again, and again…

And then your body jolts, legs straightening as your eyes open. Your lips part as you gasp, taking in so deep a breath you almost choke on the air.

“There you are, my girl.”

The man once called Calas looks over you while on his knee, the grill of his helmet hiding what is left of his face.

You’ve seen it; How the Nurgle infection has eaten away at his skin, changing was left to sickly yellow, green and purple. His armor seems entangled with his flesh, becoming one and the same. His appearance horrifies you, and makes you yearn for what once was.

“Were you having a nightmare?”

His rusted gauntlet scrapes across your skin, nicking your cheek. You try to avoid shivering, hands pressing against the ground below you.

It wasn’t a nightmare, it was the brightest glimpse of hope you had since Typhus doomed all of the Death Guard, and it was little more than your imagination.

“My sweet girl, you were asking for help.”

His hand drifts from your face, you wonder why it smells sweet, down your neck then the rest of your body and you whimper, trying to move away from him. His armor feels warm like it's almost alive, and perhaps it is- they're one and the same now.

His massive gauntlet slips between your legs, armored fingers diving between your folds as you writhe and attempt to pull away from him.

“I can grant your every desire much like grandfather does with Isha, you only need to let me in.”

He already is in; You feel his rusted gauntlet prod at your entrance. Your whimper and push at him, in some futile attempt to escape.

“Stop, please stop,”

Calas- Typhus, forces his armor finger into you and feels the way you tighten, pressing your hips down into the mossy flowerbed. Tears prick your eyes as you feel him sink into you deep, cold armor pressing against your cunt.

“You don’t want me to stop; I can smell you. The honey you’re making.”

You want him to stop, you want your skin to stop buzzing and heating up, as you feel your body begin to betray you. The flowers, the spores, Typhus himself, you don't know what he does that makes you lose control over yourself, but you hate every moment of it. It makes tears roll down your cheeks as your stomach tightens in knots over the feeling of his now two fingers deep inside of you, the palm of his gauntlet pushing against your clit.

“Please…. Stop…”

You try to turn away from him but his other hand grasps your jaw, turning you right back. Your body feels so hot, you can feel the brushing of little tentacles across your inner thighs, your breasts, your neck. Whether they’re from him or the flowerbed you don’t know, but they only serve to spark trails of fire as your body heats up like a furnace.

Typhus removes his hand from your cunt to push your thighs wider apart, the bottoms of your feet almost touching. They stay fallen apart, and your hands reach down to grasp at his decayed gauntlet as he pushes his fingers back into you.

Just finish, give him what he wants and then he'll leave. Ignore how good he makes you feel.

He hears you let out a whimper, finally broken. He laughs, the fingers of his other hand stroking your cheek.

“Good girl, just let me gift you all that you desire.”

You can hear the wet squelches of your own cunt as you leak over his rusted, decayed armor, weeping for more without your permission. You can hear in the back of your mind the no no no no no, but it's so chained by whatever sweet scent had filled your nostrils that you can't touch it.

You just want to be filled, by anything.

Your thoughts become your own for a moment as you feel how much you hate when he does this; It’s like your body and mind detach and you can no longer control yourself.

Your hands grasp his gauntlet tighter and try to pull him closer, arch closer to him, begging for more. The disgust of mushrooms and slime and rotten petals falling on your skin fades as he fills your mind with nothing but forced desire for him.

“It took Isha many years to realize Grandfather was her savior,” He pulls his fingers from your tight heat to tease your clit and make you gasp, before sinking them into you again. Your hips jerk upwards, tears in your eyes from how much you want this and how much you don’t want this. “And now you see, as well.”

You feel the tickle of flies landing on your skin, it makes you want to vomit. They always hover around him like he has a gravitational pull.

You cum against his hand as he thrusts his armored fingers deep into you, crying out with a voice now hoarse from your whimpers and cries. He hums pleased behind his helm, as you lay limp in front of him. Your inner thighs are slick, and you feel something tickle against them that isn't his hand.

He pulls his soaked hand from between your thighs, putting it on your stomach as his other hand slips underneath your shoulderblades. He raises you slightly up off the flowerbed removing his hand from your stomach to take off his helmet.

You want to look away, to preserve the memory of Calas. But he’s gone, rotted away. You feel his hand cup your jaw to force you to look at him, your lips brushing against his dried, rotten mouth.

His hand returns to your stomach again.

“My beautiful little flower in her beautiful little garden; Begging to be pollinated.” You feel your mind returning from its foggy state and you weakly kick your legs wanting to get away.

“You are in bloom, my beautiful little flower. I can’t wait to make so many more.”

[doumadono]

EMERGENCY REQUEST

Hi, A while ago I used to have a very bad mental health condition, I can't say for sure what I had(i have an idea but i cannot Say they exact things), because even today I haven't gone to a psychologist to get a diagnosis about my mental health, I wanted to send this to see if you could make a request with Izuku and Kacchan with their childhood friend (Kacchan platonic and with Izuku non-platonic if it's not too much trouble) And one day they find out by accident that she went through a mild eating disorder, self-harm, social anxiety, family problems and a toxic need to be a perfect student (They find out about this already in the first year of the UA, this happened to her in the first year of middle school)I would like to read this because when I was in 7th grade I had all this on my shoulders, I felt like garbage and my family never helped, they only made things worse...Reading it would be like being able to feel that comfort that to this day I have not been able to have because although I would like to be able to talk about it with someone, I am unable to open up, I avoid those topics as much as I can.

Thank you so much! And sorry if I haven't explained myself well.

A/N: I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such a challenging time with your mental health. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your struggles, and I truly admire your willingness to share this. When you're ready, seeking support from a psychologist or therapist can be immensely helpful

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Izuku and Katsuki walked back to the UA dormitory, their footsteps echoing in the quiet evening. The day had been filled with training and lectures, and now, as they strolled under the dimming sky, they found themselves in a contemplative mood.

Katsuki glanced over at Izuku and noticed the pensive look on his friend's face. "What's eatin' at ya, Deku?" he asked in his typical gruff manner.

Izuku hesitated for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "Kacchan, you know our childhood friend Y/N, right?"

Katsuki's eyebrows furrowed as he thought about it. "Yeah, vaguely. What's she got to do with anything?"

Izuku took a deep breath, trying to find the right way to phrase what was on his mind. "I overheard something today, something about her," he began. "It sounds like she's been through some really tough stuff, especially during her first year of middle school. Eating disorder, self-harm, social anxiety, family problems, and a toxic need to be a perfect student."

Katsuki's expression hardened, his usual tough exterior showing cracks as concern flickered in his eyes. "That's messed up, nerd."

As they approached the dormitory, they heard voices coming from the teacher's lounge, where Aizawa and Nezu were deep in conversation. The name 'Y/N' drifted into their ears, and they couldn't help but listen.

"I think we should keep an eye on Y/N," Aizawa said. "She's clearly been through a lot, and I don't want her to feel isolated or overwhelmed here at UA."

Nezu nodded in agreement. "You're right. We should find a way to support her without making her feel exposed or uncomfortable."

Katsuki clenched his fists, anger simmering beneath the surface. "I'll just go talk to her and kick all these stupid ideas off her head."

Izuku, on the other hand, was quick to respond, albeit more gently. "Kacchan, but we need to be careful. Y/N has been through a lot, and pushing her too hard could do more harm than good. We should approach this delicately."

Katsuki scowled but was willing to listen. "Okay, fine, Deku. What's your brilliant idea then?"

"I think we should let Y/N know that we're there for her, no matter what. Encourage her to talk to us when she's ready? We can offer her our support and friendship without forcing her to reveal everything all at once."

Katsuki huffed in annoyance, but he couldn't deny that Izuku's suggestion made sense. "Fine, fine, we'll do it your way then, nerd."

Later that evening, Izuku and Katsuki found themselves in a common livingroom, still contemplating how to approach the delicate situation with Y/N. Izuku sat on a couch, thoughtful, while Katsuki paced around, clearly agitated, trying to finish his English homework. "You really think this is the right way, Deku? I can't freaking focus because of that goddamn girl. Why do girls always have to be so complicated? " Katsuki asked, his frustration evident.

"I do, Kacchan. Y/N's been through a lot. She needs to know we're here for her, and when she's ready, she'll come to either of us."

Katsuki paused, his fiery demanour momentarily waning. He knew that Izuku was right; a more gentle approach was necessary. He sat down on the floor, scowling as he admitted, "Fine."

Izuku smiled, relieved that Katsuki had agreed. "Great, Kacchan."

Bakugo, catching a glimpse from the corner of his eye, noticed Mina, Kaminari, and Tsuyu observing him and Deku. Irritated, he turned to them and bellowed, "What the hell are you staring at, extras!?" His fiery personality showing no mercy, even to his friends.

The next day, they put their plan into action.

You were in the common room, looking somewhat distant as you read a book.

Izuku approached you cautiously, determined to make you feel comfortable. Kacchan watched him from a distance, pretending to be engrossed in preparing a dinner.

"Hey, Y/N," Izuku began with a warm smile, "How's your day been?"

You looked up, surprised by the sudden attention. You hesitated for a moment but then replied, "Oh, it's been okay, I guess?"

Katsuki chimed in, trying to keep his tone softer than usual. "You don't need to hide stuff, you know. We're your friends, and we're here for you."

Your eyes widened slightly, and you swallowed hard. You weren't used to opening up about your struggles, but the genuine concern made you feel a little safer. "But I'm not hiding anything…" you protested.

Bakugo grumbled from a distance. "Tsch! For crying out loud, it's obvious you're not alright, nerd. Quit with the act, you're a terrible actress, Y/N, damn it!"

Izuku continued, "I… We know that life can be tough. You don't have to go through it alone. When you're ready to talk, we'll be here to listen, without any judgment, okay?"

Katsuki nodded, showing an uncharacteristic patience. "Yeah."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you felt the sincerity of their words. You had been carrying your burdens in silence for so long, and the idea of sharing them with friends was both scary and comforting. "Thank you, boys," you whispered, your voice quivering. "I appreciate your support."

Izuku reached out and placed a hand on your shoulder, offering a reassuring squeeze. "You're welcome, Y/N. We care about you, and we want to help in any way we can."

Katsuki grumbled, but there was a softness in his gaze as he added, "And if anyone gives you trouble, they'll have to deal with me."

Tears welled up in your eyes, and without warning, you leaned into Izuku's comforting arms.

Izuku was a little taken aback by your sudden move, but he didn't push you away. Instead, he embraced you gently, his hand softly petting your Y/H/C hair.

As you nestled in his embrace, you finally opened up about how awful you were feeling. Your voice quivered as you spoke. "I don't know what to do… I just… I feel so lost and overwhelmed. It's like I'm drowning in my own thoughts and fears, and I can't escape."

Izuku held you a little tighter, his own heart aching for you. "I'm here for you, Y/N. You're not alone in this. We'll find a way through it, together, I promise."

You continued, your voice breaking, "I've been trying to be strong for so long, but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It's like I'm carrying the weight of the world, and it's crushing me."

"You don't have to carry it all by yourself. You have friends who care about you, who want to help. We'll lighten that burden, step by step. You're not alone, Y/N."

You clung to him, your sobs slowly subsiding as his comforting presence gave you solace. It was the first step in a journey of healing and support. With tears still glistening in your eyes, you raised your head and looked up at Izuku. Leaning in, you placed a tender kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for all of your support, Deku," you whispered, your gratitude evident in your eyes.

As you expressed your gratitude to both of your friends, Izuku felt his cheeks flush with a deep shade of crimson. His heart began to race, pounding in his chest like a drumbeat. The genuine warmth of the unexpected kiss on his cheek left him feeling both flustered and deeply touched. Unbeknownst to you, Izuku had been harboring a significant crush on you.

But before you could say more, a loud voice echoed across the room. Bakugo's angry shout filled the space, "Hey, I'm goddamn here as well, fucking nerd!"

You turned towards Katsuki, a grateful smile forming on your lips. "Thank you too, Kacchan," you said, addressing him. "I appreciate both of you more than I can express."

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I hope this question isn't too personal and please don't answer if it is. You have mentioned getting help for your adhd with medication. What medication has helped you or made the biggest difference?

I was diagnosed with adhd a year ago and was put on Elvanse but it hasn't helped and just makes me incredibly anxious and unable to focus.

I'm trying to research what other medication I could try but my doctor isn't being very helpful because according to them "adhd isn't a disability".

I'd love to be able to get some reprieve from this condition, it's destroying my life, so if you're willing to share info on what's helped you it would be hugely appreciated.

Thank you

Hiya anon,

(Medical chat and thoughts under the Read More and as I'm not a doctor and have no idea what I'm doing or talking about, I'm putting the rest under a thingo).

Unfortunately, while meds helped me work a bit better (although you know, I'm burnt out, and I'm writing the least I've written since I started writing, so actually I'm not sure that starting 'too many stories at the same time' is actually 'a bit better' than how it was before), mostly ADHD does run rampant over my life. I can't work conventional work hours, I forget important things, I have massive issues with executive dysfunction, and I zone in and out of conversations more often than I'd like.

I take Vyvanse, which - sounding from what you're taking - is probably the same thing. *googles quickly* Yep, it is.

ADHD meds are hard. It's definitely worth trying different ones, if you can, as well as different dosages (for example, a higher dose of Elvanse might work better for you, a lower dose might). There's also quick acting / fast release ADHD meds. And there's atypical meds like Atomoxetine (also known as Strattera) which some people find really good fortune with.

Finally, if you have no luck with any ADHD meds, it might be important to do a differential diagnosis with other conditions that might mimic ADHD symptoms (of which there are many mental illnesses that do this), because in those cases, you may find that the medication treatments for them help you WAY more.

Recently someone I know who has been on lithium all her life found out she was massively misdiagnosed, and actually had something else. Lithium doesn't suit almost any other condition, except for what she was diagnosed with, which explains why she never improved at all on it and actually got worse. She thought there was something wrong with her, the reality was that there was something wrong with her diagnosis. I'm not saying this is the case with you! BUT, when none of the meds work, and they all give you the opposite of what they're supposed to be doing, it is definitely worth chasing up other diagnoses. If you go to get an ADHD assessment, often those people don't look at the other potential culprits for the same symptoms, esp if they're ADHD specialists. (This is the same for just about any mental health or disorder - sometimes if you get a hammer than can only hit ADHD nails, it's going to miss the other nails.)

But yeah, it's very likely not the case for you anon, but after this other person's experience, I'd feel remiss if I don't point out that if - after a long time of trying / exhausting med options - you find you have no joy, sometimes it's because you're in the wrong 'family' of meds for what you have going on.

(I am not a doctor, just relating anecdotal stuff.)

I don't know if you'll have more luck asking your doc for specific meds. Unfortunately in Australia, ADHD is also not considered a disability, despite the fact that it is clearly disabling for hundreds of thousands of people here. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with those attitudes too, anon.

And finally, no ADHD med is perfect. It might help some things, and hinder others. But it definitely shouldn't be making things worse. It might be worth taking a bit of a holiday from the meds (if your doctor / therapist agrees) and mood tracking for a while before starting back on them, to see how bad of a difference it is.

There are unfortunately not a ton of meds specifically for ADHD. Most are variations of a similar kind of med (stimulants), and everyone has different experiences based off their chemical make-up and what they need. My sister gets really intense emotional blunting on Vyvanse, I get more emotional. We're related, and we still have pretty big differences with med responses on the same meds.

I wish I could be more help! My own life is a complete mess for the most part, I wouldn't say I'm someone who has this all figured out at all. I should be on a higher dose, but unfortunately I have other health stuff going on which means I can't be, so I'm just going to have to put up with a fair amount of disabling ADHD forever.

[writing-for-life]

Sandman Master Post and Intro

(I’m on a brief hiatus, but the queue is fed. Replies might take a bit longer right now.)

Hi, I’m so glad you’re here! This started out as a small blog but has developed a horrifying (^jk) life of its own over the past two years, so it was about time I organised the links and tags to all my Sandman stuff for you to make it easier to find your way around.

I love getting asks [they will go back on when I’m back], about analysis, about my fics, prompts or generally just to chat, so see this as an encouragement to slide into my inbox…

[For quick reference:]

[The Ultimate Sandman Character Tag Library]

[The Women of the Sandman Tag Library]

[Sandman Comics: Original Artists Library]

[Sandman Reread (Comics)]

[Sandman Rewatch (Netflix)]

[Sandman S2 News, Casting and Speculation]

[Sandman Reference: How to Collect the Comics, Companion Books, Annotations/Reference Literature etc]

[In Light of Recent Allegations]

Ordered by topics (recommended):

Sandman Meta-Analysis (general "sandman meta"-tag, also contains contributions to other people's posts. My analyses are grouped into literary/conceptual/psychological, musical and art, and I definitely recommend perusing both links and the main tag)

The Sandman Book Club Community: Just follow the link if you’d like to join

Sandman Fics (m/f and f/f, both OC and canon pairings) & Poems

I’m also Dream’s Therapist. I think we all agree he needs one

Sandman Art (general tag that contains all art posts. I have also grouped them into my own art and art of others). Separate tag for official Sandman artists

Sandman March Mania was an event we specifically ran for the comics art lovers, so check it out

Sparkle Content Curation (a not-quite-serious collection of Dream/Morpheus thirst-trap fan-art and unhinged posts). Please also peruse the tags #contraceptive sparkles, #glitter herpes and #murphy and his cool hat (yes, I am sort of responsible for the #muhulhu tag on here) if this hell-site has left you in a state of being desperate for laughs

A Little Intro…

…and why this blog will keep on existing

Once there was a girl with so many words, so many images, so many songs in her head that had no place to go. So she decided some of them will just go here…

Well, that sounds a bit contrived, but it’s not entirely untrue. Apart from the “girl”-part, because I’m at the younger end of Gen X. Or the “no place to go”-part, because some of my work actually *did* go places. Just not the stuff I decided to put on here…

Which is mostly Sandman stuff right now, let’s be honest (I fell in love with it when I was 16, and it still has a tight grip on me three decades later). And the fact that my blog a wild mix between my metas, my fanfic and a bit of my doodling already shows the pull in different directions I have experienced for most of my life:

I’ve worked in science/academia, creative/performing arts and mental health. I guess I’m just a multi-hyphenate who can’t make up her mind what she wants to do with her life, so she tries to do it all and ends up burned out half of the time.

Somewhere along the way, I managed to publish a few novels under a pen name, and only a select few people know about it. And I intend to keep it that way.

I used to draw much more (mostly pencil and ink), but between working and having a family, something had to give, and if I have to choose, writing always comes first. But I doodle and experiment a lot in Procreate, and it usually helps me when I procrastinate on my writing. I drop the odd drawing in here (like my profile pic), but I don’t see myself as a fine artist, and I’m in perpetual awe of the talent I see on here.

This is just an account for unapologetically being me, with all my hyperfixations—and undoubtedly some pointless shitposts just for fun…

In light of recent happenings, I explained my personal stance and, by extension, why this blog will keep on existing.

[normal-internet-user]

NORMIE!

I just went to the orthopedic doctor today and apparently the flexibility in my arm has loosened my scapula(shoulder blade). Now I have to take Anti-inflammatories and see a physical therapist! I was wondering if I could turn this into a request for my comfort character and have 2012 Mikey with a gf who all of a sudden stops visiting them and he gets really upset and then after like 5 months the reader comes back and has to explain that she was in a different state to see a well known physical therapist so she'd be able to do simple tasks with soreness again?

I was originally gonna do headcanons, but I felt a small fic was a better option 💕 <33

HONEY I'M HOME

♡~~♡~~♡~~♡~~♡

Summary: After being in another state for 5 months for your health, you surprise your boyfriend with your homecoming.

Warnings: None!

Requested: @lemonadae-caekie

Female Reader!

....................................

Long distance sucked as much as people always said it did.

You missed your boyfriend and his family, and you hardly ever had anytime to talk on the phone, and when you did, it couldn't be for long since your physicak therapy was exhausting.

It was definitly taking a toll on your relationship, and you wanted nothing more than to cuddle up to Mikey's side while the two of you played video games.

Which is why, after 5 long months of seperation, you were so excited to be on your way back to New York.

April and Casey were supposed to meet you at the airport and accompany you down to the Lair. They were the only ones who knew of your homecoming, since you wanted it to be a surprise.

You waved your arm gently to greet your two friends, doing your best to not strain the limb.

Casey pulled you in for a side hug, "Hey there, (Name), long time no see, huh? Hey did you get a haircut?"

You laughed, "No, Casey, I did not get a hair cut." You patted his arm, "Nice to see you too, Jones."

April smiled, taking your suitcase from you, "Mikey's gonna be so excited to see you, he misses you alot ya know."

Casey scoffed, "Seriously, your all he talks about. 'I miss (Name)', 'I wish (Name) was here', '(Name)-"

You cut him off, blushing slightly, "I uh, I think I get it, Jones."

He shrugged, and the three of you made your way out of the airport and towards the infamous hippie van.

You first went back to your apartment so you could drop off your things, after that, your friends helped you down into the sewers, and it was all you could do to not take off down the familiar tunnels.

"Oh, just go already." Casey said, and you squealed, rushing as fast as you could into the Lair,

"Marco!" you called, you heard a crash, and the sounds of someone knocking things over from Mikey's room, "Polo! Polo!" he shouted, rushing into the main room to pull you into a tight hug and pepper your face with kisses.

You giggled, "Mikey! Mikey calm down, missed you too!"

The orange clad terrapin stopped his affectionate onslaught, and with the widest grin you'd ever seen, you picked you up and started to spin you around, "I missed you sosososososo soOOOo much, Sweets! How did the physical therapy stuff go? Is your arm better, oh shoot, did I hurt you at all?"

Mikey set you down, and you placed a hand on his cheek, "The therapy went well. My arm is still needs some healing, and it's still kinda sore, but I'm fine, babe." you kissed him on the cheek, and he pulled you in for a hug.

"Can we cuddle now?" he asked, burying his head in the crook of your neck.

You laughed, "Sure we can, babe. Just watch the arm, ok?"

....................................

Here you are my friend! I know this isn't exactly what you asked for, I hope that's ok. I'm sendimg you my well wishes, and I hope your physical therapy goes well!! <333

[divine-toh4]

Life Advice from a Dad of 5

Hello, my few followers. I’d like to tell you a story of what happened today.

I started having a panic attack. It was sudden. It was related to my gender dysphoria. It claimed the title of the worst one I’ve had in years.

I tried calling my therapist, but I’ve since found out she’s sick, so she didn’t answer the phone. My next idea was to call my dad. I’m so glad I did.

For context, my dad is the greatest guy you’ll ever meet. He’s funny and smart and he’s the only person in my life who knows and understands what it’s like to deal with the stuff I deal with, mental health wise. He is my best friend. And he is great at reassuring me. It doesn’t always work, but today it did.

Anyways,

I called dad and he picked up almost immediately. I was already crying and hyperventilating at this point, so he jumped into action. He guided me through my best-working coping mechanisms and talked very gently. It was nice (as nice as a panic attack can be).

When I calmed down, we had a long talk. He started saying a bunch of stuff, and the post-panic-attack-clarity set in. Everything he said had this… weight to it. I can’t explain it. Maybe I can. It’s kinda like trust, but deeper. I felt it right in my very soul. I then got the idea to start writing it down.

I would like to share with you what I wrote.

(Note: some of this is paraphrased.)

There’s always hope. The only time there would not be hope is if you quit.

There’s no reason to be embarrassed for who you are, even if it’s not who you wanna be.

You do your best to be as ready as you can, and you roll with the punches.

It’s not all big wins. It very rarely is.

And sometimes, the only thing you can do is shake your fist at the sky and scream at the universe “Hey muthafucka, I’m still here. I’m still here.”

Feelings are apart of what makes us human, baby.

The sun comes up.

I hope his words help someone else as much as they helped me.

[decepti-thots]

my personal opinion- especially having now read the notebooks which, hm, i'd say clarify some things in terms of Roberts' extremely early intentions here*- is that the later re-framing of Rung as having in-universe issues with his practice is a kind of attempt at an authors' saving throw, after Roberts realised he fucked some stuff up early on. and the early stuff doesn't feel to me like the comic feels Rung is in any way compromised or untrustworthy, which does indeed make it relevant to how the comic frames disability because he becomes a lens through which it is "authoritatively" presented to us as readers.

this creates a situation where looking back on it retroactively you can, as a reader, construct a kind of "okay, the reason this weirdness is here regarding stuff like Whirl being talked about this uncomfortable way is maybe because Rung is unreliable!" explanation, but the text read on its own at the time doesn't actually indicate anything of the sort, and frankly doesn't really work if you take this approach IMO. let me get into a compare-and-contrast actually, i'll cut for length.

this seems notable to me, because there is a difference in how certain characters are framed where Rung is used as a kind of "viewport-character" into ones the comic doesn't seem to assume a reader will relate to. take the oft-compared treatment of Chromedome and Red Alert, both characters whose suicide attempts are depicted early on. Chromedome is presented as a character the audience might directly relate to, and his experiences are framed by his narration, his direct relating of what happens, and there's room there for a reader to identify with him. (#12) it doesn't assume everyone will, but to me, that emphasis on inhabiting his viewpoint as a reader suggests that the text accommodates it as a likely possibility.

but by contrast, Red Alert is narrated to us through Rung a lot more when his mental health struggles come up (#5), which tells me something about an assumption the text makes about who its assumed readership will "relate to". namely: it finds that harder to believe than Chromedome. we hear Rung's inner monologue explaining his experiences of giving Red Alert therapy, learning about Red's experiences of delusions and paranoia through an external source, not his own words. his "progress" is charted to the reader not through Red's own thoughts about the experience, but Rung relating (as an authority figure the audience is assumed to trust the judgement of) his experience being Red's therapist.

this feels, to me, like a kind of dichotomy is being established on some level between experiences of mental illness and suicidality some people in the assumed readerbase might relate to (Chromedome, who has experience of some form of clinical depression directly related to acute circumstance, and who has a suicide attempt he engages in as a pre-mediated response to it) and those it is implicitly assumed most readers will see as unrelatable, if potentially sympathetic (Red Alert, who has… probably a form of paranoid personality disorder(?) that is suggested to include psychotic features(?? maybe?), whose suicide attempt is more spontaneous). the obvious discussion to be had is about forms of more or less stigmatized mental illness in society.

see also: Red's actual attempt at suicide largely being revealed to the reader and processed through other characters standing around talking about it, and at one point being presented as Basically A Good Thing, For Now because oh well, some mental illnesses are bad enough to warrant it, probably? (versus uh, I don't think the comic would suggest CD being comatose after a nearly-succesful suicide attempt was better than living with and processing his clinical depression!)

Rung exists in these kinds of scenes to provide an entry point to "understand" and sympathize with (but not directly relate to) Red Alert. we also see this when Fort Max is acting "crazy" in Interiors, for example, where the narrative follows external observers during his breakdown, not Max himself. this approach does not function on a basic level if Rung is fundamentally suspect as a narrator at this point, regarding his role as a therapist; it leaves us as readers totally unmoored. when Rung responds to patients in ways that read as suspect, that to me therefore suggests the text is assuming things about its audience's perspectives, experiences, and opinions on the matter, ones I perhaps disagree with, rather than anything about Rung as a person.

the text's opinions on some things evolve slightly over time, however, which means later on there has to be a kind of course-correction with things Rung does and says that now feel increasingly out of step, hence the very weird and utterly unforeshadowed "reveal" that Rung is disbarred because of unethical practices (except we never get confirmation this is real and not Froid making it up, because the story can't actually sustain Rung having been unethical the entire time: see above)

in short: i do think it's very relevant, yes, and the changing of Rung's role over time is observable in how the comic is responding to (at times very strong) criticism from various readers, to the point i'd say it's metatextual on some level. but it's only really noticeable when you take a step out-of-universe and look at the comic as a comic, IMO, so starting from Rung's characterization is not very productive in this specific discussion.

(* namely, that he has to (at least once) put a justifiably embarrassed present day note in that he clearly didn't know what the fuck he was talking about when it came to certain mental illnesses, which he now acknowledges.)

[regular-lord-reckoner]

back by unpopular demand it's...me!

hi :3

uh so as of yesterday it's apparently somehow been six months since my dad passed which feels........utterly bizarre.

it feels like it's been a month at most to me and my mom.

like logically, yes, we know that much time has passed, but on another level it just...doesn't feel like it can possibly be that long. at all.

i'm really trying this time to not rush myself through anything, especially grief. i think that's part of why i got so stuck last time, i pushed myself to try to get back to normal too soon instead of just feeling what i feel.

it's not to say i'm not trying to work through it all or anything, but for me at least this shit just takes time.

i had a breakdown the other morning over fucking toaster strudels of all things, but they reminded me of him. it's one of those things he'd sometimes get from the store when he'd go grocery shopping and he'd always be so excited to tell me about them.

"i got us something there in the freezer," he'd say whenever i'd wander into the kitchen at some point

i miss so many moments like that, just the little interactions we'd have throughout the day.

i know i got to a point of being so completely burned out beyond belief that i didn't want to talk to anyone ever at any time and i wish i hadn't now because we could have had more of those moments, but it is what it is, i guess.

i'm still going to therapy and still trying to work through everything. i was doing all this work on primarily my mental health before he passed and then that became the main focus naturally so I'm slowly getting back to work on that as well.

My therapist also gave me a book to read she said would help me with some of the feelings i'm struggling with as far as feeling like everything and everyone else around me has moved on but i'm still stuck and all that so i'll be diving in to that soon.

i was doing okay for a while there as far as taking care of myself goes, but i think as we've gotten closer to the six month mark and that realization just keeps washing over me over and over again i've just been diving into work and chores and of course taking some time to just fuck off from work (but that usually means i end up doing work until right before bedtime so i'm trying not to do that as much.......still going to do some, though, they can't stop me!!)

that's been burning me out a little i can tell. so i'm trying to back off of that and actually i'm finally at a point with all my stuff where i'm caught up so that's a relief. there was some shit that went down a little while back that i might explain later in another post at another time but it ended up with one of my managers having to apologize to me over and over again because basically i wasn't doing something i was supposed to be doing but no one thought to tell me that soooooo i was unknowingly causing a bit of a clusterfuck for a lot of people so that was fun!!

also in more fun news my mom had to go to a walk-in last weekend (not this most recent one, but the one before that) because she woke up with a lot of pain in one of her arms. naturally the concern was for something heart-related but she said she didn't think it was that but more like a pinched nerve, so they checked her out at the walk-in and seemed to at least agree it wasn't her heart so that was good.

on the downside, though, after a few more tests since then it apparently is her neck. there's a bulging disc there that's indeed pinching a nerve and she's pretty sure she even knows which one in specific is the problem because it's also causing numbness in one of her fingers

i hope it's not something she ends up having to get surgery on, but i also hate seeing her in pain like this. both of her sisters had this same problem and ended up having to be operated on to fix it, so my mom's got an appointment coming up to have someone look at the tests she's had done so far over and assess the situation and i guess we'll go from there.

she's been able to get a little relief from some pain medication and even a round of acupuncture but it's been pretty rough on her. crazy how you can just wake up one day and just bam, some bullshit is going on!!!

anyway, aside from all of that we're doing okay. just taking each day at a time and am still squeezing in all the self care that i can and trying to be good to myself (although i can definitely tell i need to drink more water, i dunno why that's always one of the first things to go when it's like, dude, this literally has almost killed you, please drink the water, it's literally sitting right next to you at all times!!)

but yeah, dunno if i'll be on here more consistently or not; i don't want to promise anything i'm not sure i can keep because who knows how i'll feel tomorrow or a week from now or another month, another six, who knows! but!!

if you're reading this i hope you're doing well.

i know no matter what your circumstance is right now things in general are incredibly difficult and i hope you're also taking time to take care of yourself when/if you can.

i hope something really, really amazing happens this week. some really good news. for everyone.

anyway, i'll go now before i get too sappy but just wanted to end on a lighter note and wish you well. thank you for taking the time to give me and my troubles a moment of your time. have a good week! :3

[honeysuckle-venom]

I've had a lot going on lately, psychologically, and I haven't been posting about 90% of it. I haven't been able to, I haven't had the words most of the time. I still don't. The last four days or so have been spent in a psychotic episode of astonishing intensity, one that feels more like our first break when we were 15 than almost anything since then. The whole summer has been very difficult, lots of trauma stuff and system stuff and psychosis stuff I thought I had put to rest coming up but coming up...differently, like the first time all over again instead of echoes? Idk how to explain it, my therapist had all sorts of good words for it in our session today but I was so psychotic I was only processing like 60% of what she was saying and I remember even less. I do know she said encouraging things about how every schizophrenic patient she's worked with has gone through this same process of temporarily getting much much better and tasting health for the first time and then having a significant recurrence of symptoms, and something about how the experience often mimics the first break/is like having the first break again for reasons I was too out of it to understand today but that are part of the healing process. So that was very comforting to hear, because my symptoms this weekend were honestly sort of terrifying.

But anyway. None of that was meant to be the original point of this post. I wanted to talk about how spiritually unprepared I feel for The High Holy Days. I mean, I always feel unprepared, I think everyone does, you're basically supposed to. If I'm remembering right that's even one of the phrases you say. But this year I have done less prep than any time in the last 5+ years. I just haven't been able to. I did manage to set aside one therapy session a few weeks ago to discuss my New Year's resolutions from last year and to what extent I've managed to stick to them, and to decide what ones I'm making this year, which is something really important that I do every year. I take my Rosh Hashanah resolutions very seriously and it's generally a real turning point in the year for me, they aren't the kind of casual resolutions a lot of people make in January like "I'm going to exercise," they tend to be significant decisions about how to live my life and treat myself and those around me. But besides that one therapy session and a tiny bit of contemplation on my own I haven't even tried to do the kind of spiritual inventory or teshuvah that I usually shoot for. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I spent this whole summer really struggling and the last few days psychotic and catatonic; I think Hashem understands that my priority has been to stay alive and that's pretty much all I've had the ability to do. But I'm still pretty much in survival mode and it sucks to be there just a few days before Rosh Hashanah. It's my favorite holiday and I haven't been able to think about it pretty much at all. I have plans to celebrate with friends both Friday and Sunday and intend to go to services Friday and Saturday, but I'm nervous that I won't be well enough for some or all of that. We'll see when we get there, I suppose. It's just a really bad feeling to know my favorite holiday is coming and normally I do a lot of internal and external work to prepare for it and I've done basically none of it and don't even feel that special "Rosh Hashanah is coming" feeling because I'm too busy being crazy. It just feels really sad and disappointing.

[yandere-sins]

So I thought I’d give a little life-update as there’s a lot going on at the moment and I think it’s visible on my blog as well. Maybe the positives first:

I do really like my new work, I like that I have set hours (even if I do overtime here and there) and though it got incredible stressful the last few weeks, I think the four people that work in my office space are the coolest in the whole company and I love the support I am getting, it’s something I always wanted for my work-life tbh! My dog is also doing very fine, she’s really a total sweetheart and I wouldn’t know what to do without her, and at least I, myself, am doing pretty okay-ish physically, so nothing to complain there.

Now to the negatives.

Unfortunately, my mom’s cancer returned but is quite hard to pinpoint. She went back to an even more aggressive chemotherapy and we’re hoping for the best. Honestly, I don’t wish cancer on anyone, it’s such a tough battle and even just as the primary caretaker it’s been really hard to deal with for me, luckily I have grandparents and a brother who all deal with it and help and support, so that’s good! My mental health though is suffering. It’s biting my own butt now, but I cancelled therapy to focus on work at the beginning of this year and now my therapist is fully booked, so I will have to sit out this month probably. I am telling that because that’s the reason I am struggling with concentrating on one thing for a long time, which includes writing, which explains the fluctuation of posts you are seeing, since I try to get requests and drafts done on the weekend when there’s less stress. Sadly only works like 30% of the time...

Going forward I have decided to indefinitely pause commissions. I have noticed that they put too much pressure with the deadline and expectancy on me when I am already struggling and sometimes need a day to myself. I can’t say when they’ll come back, but thank you all so much for your interest and support, it’s always a pleasure to write your ideas and I never had a bad experience with commission ♥

Good news for Mermay: it’s still happening! ... buuuut I am shortening the story I came up with. I think I was too ambitious with the three routes I teased, so I am trying to figure out how to ensure that it won’t drag out as much as Atreo’s story last year. Unfortunately, the start will be delayed some more, but we were going to celebrate Mer-June anyway, so at this point it probably doesn’t make as much difference (’:

Because the question arose a few times already, I will not be playing Honkai Star Rail. It has a few reasons, but the main one is I don’t have the time. Sorry to everyone who asked about it, but it’s just not the right time for me at the moment! ): I’ll probably be miserable again later when everyone has moved on to it and I am stuck behind but I have to make cuts somewhere ;;

I actually have some commissions and requests that I haven’t released yet, so I will try to schedule some of these in the meantime while I work out how to go about stuff. If you’ve been around for a while you probably know I like routines that’s why it’s always important for me to build them and keep them up. Other than that, I’ll probably focus on Mermay and my own writing projects which will happen rather irregularly. No guarantees on posting, sadly ):

I do realize tho that it just isn’t always possible to keep up frequency of posts and interactions I had when I started this blog, as much as it saddens me. I have to prioritze my real life before my internet presence (and I really need to not feel guilty about taking breaks from everything ever so often ;;), so if you see me vanishing for a few days, it’s just that really.

Thank you everyone who stuck around and supports this blog ♥ There’s another big milestone coming up veeery soon and I am always in awe that so many people would stay to read my silly little stories!! If you have some time and don’t mind waiting for a response, I’m always happy to chat and answer questions, so please don’t hesitate to hit me up!

Thanks everyone ♥

[oncetherenowhere]

This intensive therapy I'm in is having odd effects on me. It's helping me, but not in the way it intends to. I keep finding myself 'snapping out of' my usual bad thought patterns, but it's because...how do I explain this?

I realized that every therapist I've ever had BEGS me to realize that the outside world isn't as bad as it seems. No one is judging you! is said a lot. When that isn't true, and I've tried to explain the microaggressions I face as an autistic person, they kept insisting that it was my perception.

The thing is...I can TELL when something is my perception. I'm very self aware of what is reality, and what is my own sensitivities. Being made not to trust myself has caused me a lot more harm than good, especially in the past year.

I've realized what I actually really, really need- someone who can help me move on! By that I mean, I want to not CARE that people are judging me. I want to love myself enough to not need validation to feel safe and comfortable. But I can't do that if everyone insists that no one is actually ever bad to me!

Like, man, people can suck. People can also be great! But people can suck. I've been treated with extremely cruelty, even by strangers.

I just don't want to care anymore. Because the problem isn't me, isn't it? Despite blaming myself my entire life, so often, I am literally just EXISTING when someone has a problem with me.

I want to not care! I want to get my personality back! I want to be quirky and weird again! I want to wear fun things, and try out every hobby, and go on miles long walks. I want to be myself, because when I WAS myself for that brief, brief time around 18, I loved myself- and I loved everyone else so much, too.

But I don't know how.

I don't know what the first step is. I genuinely don't think the first step is telling myself 'no one is judging me!' because then I'm STILL focusing on what OTHER people are thinking! Who cares if they're judging me! That's what I want to get to.

AUGH.

The combo of autism and PTSD is hard. Everyone assumes I can't think for myself. It's why I rarely tell anyone about either diagnosis. Obviously, in therapy, you have to, that's kind of the point....man!

I just!

Need to find a therapist who can help me with this specific thing, because I don't think I can do this alone. But that means finding a therapist who will actually believe me...which is hard.

I know I've been particularly unlucky in my search...and complaining about therapists makes me worry that I seem like someone who thinks mental health treatment is a sham. I don't! I just don't think the constant CBT stuff works for me very well, and it keeps getting applied to me.

Ugh. The other thing is, I've found therapists near me that really fit the bill, and that are queer friendly to boot- but these ones seem to be more specialized, and usually don't take insurance. It ranges from 200-400 a session, which is wildly unaffordable to me.

Sighs....

But! Knowing what I need to work on has given me some resolve.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Normally at work, if I have a break or an admin block, I barricade myself in an empty classroom with my headphones. There’s a break room where most people go for those bits, but I find it difficult enough to be around people all day, and some time off from people is really the main thing I’m looking for in a break. I am lucky enough to work in a centre that’ll have at least a couple of rooms empty at any given time, so spending my breaks there is an option. It’s really hard and it pays almost no money, but there’s one advantage, I guess. Empty rooms.

But this week they had me working extra long hours, and that shared staff room has a couch in it, and it was empty during my break, so I decided to just sit down on the couch in there and be comfortable for a bit. Put my headphones on, of course. My quite good noise canceling headphones. They don’t pay me a lot of money, but I will use what money I have on headphones that cancel out noise (also on a large trip to London and Edinburgh for which I’ve been saving all year, I just went to the currency exchange place today and took out some British pounds, this is fucking happening in two weeks from tomorrow).

I had my headphones on and was listening to the second-last episode of this Godforsaken radio show, and Ray and Ed were doing their child voices that make me laugh really hard, and I think I sort of forgot where I was. Normally, when I’m in an empty classroom, I make an effort to avoid laughing out loud because the walls are pretty thin, but I will laugh visibly. I sort of forgot, today, that while in the shared space I should try to be less visible about it.

In the middle of the laughter I definitely stopped to visibly wince a bit, because there’s a party where Ray suddenly stopped and told Ed, “The only thing I’ve not had enough of is you,” and I think he just meant that Ed Gamble was the only thing about FUBAR Radio that didn’t make him want to quit that job, but he said it really soon after reiterating that he’d had enough of everything in the world and that’s why he actively wants to commit suicide, and I took a moment from the laughter to wince at what a wildly intense thing “The only thing I’ve not had enough of is you” is to say in that context. So my reaction was laughing, wincing at the incredibly messed up thing that got said, then laughing again. The last few episodes of this radio show have induced a lot of that back-and-forth. Laughing, Jesus Christ Ray maybe take it down a notch, laughing. (Obviously… obviously I do not actually go around prescribing “take it down a notch” as a cure for mental health crises. But also, most mental health crises are not broadcast on live radio. If someone is broadcasting their mental health crisis on the radio, the best advice for their own sake is probably to take it down a notch while live on air, even if that might happen at the expense of some funny stuff, hence me occasionally feeling slightly conflicted for laughing at parts of the show.)

For about one minute of this I could vaguely hear a voice behind me, but I’d sort of forgotten I wasn’t in an empty classroom so I figured I was just hearing other therapists with their clients like usual. Until I heard my name, turned around, it turns out my coworker had been standing there for an entire minute, trying to talk to me, watching me listen to this podcast. I quickly paused it and apologized and explained about the noise canceling headphones. And she said oh, it’s fine, she didn’t need to say anything important, but since she first tried to get my attention, she’s become more interested in just watching me laughing but also wincing, and wants to know what I’m listening to.

And I didn’t want to answer that question. Because she hadn’t planned to have a whole big conversation in which I explained a whole big thing, neither of us wanted that. I hate being asked to explain hobbies in casual conversation with people I don’t properly know. The worst is when people ask about music I’m listening to, if they ask at a time when the answer is some Nova Scotian folk music, which it frequently is. Because they don’t want me to explain who this Nova Scotian folk singer is. They don’t actually want to get into that. But they also don’t want me to just say the name of a singer they’ve never heard of and then move on without explanation, that’s weird. And I definitely can’t say “You’ve probably never heard of it.” I was allowed to say that until about 2010, when there was this whole big backlash against hipsters, which mainly consisted of people making fun of the idea of someone being asked about their music taste and replying “You’ve probably never heard of it.” I don’t think I qualified as hipster at any point, but the backlash greatly annoyed me, because, well, you probably haven’t heard of it. It’s fine, I don’t think I’m better than you for that. Quite the opposite, I was self-conscious about my music taste for years because I got made fun of for it at school by people who hadn’t heard of it. You don’t have to have heard of it. I probably haven’t heard of your stuff either. But let’s not try to get into a whole explanation of it in a twenty-second work chat.

When she asked me this, I briefly thought of the last time this came up at work, a month or so ago. I was in a session, client had a meltdown, I work at an autism centre so that is pretty common. This client was often soothed with music, I put on a particular song that I knew had been working lately, he calmed down instantly. Another staff member had come in to assist with the meltdown, and she asked me what the song was. I said oh, it’s some Welsh folk music (a really lovely song, if anyone's interested). She asked me where I got it, I said a radio show recommended it, she asked which one. My brain automatically did the thing it always does when I’m asked about a thing someone’s probably never heard of, and I don’t want to explain it from scratch, so I try to find some connection to something they probably have heard of. In this case, I was exhausted from dealing with the problem, not really thinking straight, so made the connections in my head without thinking about whether they were relevant or how weird a thing this was to say, and offhandedly told her, “Okay, you know John Oliver? This song was made by his ex-girlfriend’s finace’s friend. Yeah the guy with the late-night show. It’s not important. The point is it’s working. Let’s turn up the volume a bit.” She didn’t ask any follow-up questions.

Today, when my co-worker asked me what I was listening to, I briefly thought of that. I wondered what the shortest route would be if I wanted to again draw connections to something she’d have heard of. “Okay, you know Mr. Bean? Well, his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend does a podcast with a guy. And that guy used to do a podcast with a different guy. And after that podcast they made a radio show on a pretend radio station in 2014. That’s what I’m listening to. Any questions?” That’s what I immediately thought of, though to be honest, I think we’re getting fairly close to the point where I could cut out the first couple of links in that chain. Where I could say James Acaster’s name to most people in Canada, even ones who aren’t comedy nerds, and they’d know who that was. I’m quite sure this co-worker of mine doesn’t know who James Acaster is. But a lot of people do these days.

I did not explain to her anything about Mr. Bean or James Acaster. I briefly thought of that, but what I actually said was that it’s a British radio show from 2014. She said, “Oh, is it really dry humour?” I guess because her association with comedy from Britian is that they do dry humour there. Normally in that situation I’d just say yes whether it’s true or not, because that’s the answer that’ll end the conversation without requiring further explanation, but in this case, calling mid-breakdown Peacock & Gamble “dry humour” was so incredibly inaccurate that I couldn’t bring myself to do it, so I said no, it’s not. And she said “Oh,” because I’d kind of shut down the conversation, and it was kind of awkward, as I’d just told her she was wrong but couldn’t think of a socially reasonable way to offer further explanation. Then she went to set up for her next session.

I’d argue that her asking “Is it dry humour?” just because I told her a show is British is a sign that she probably doesn’t know who James Acaster is, even if he is breaking North America, fame-wise. I hope I don’t come off as judgemental for making that assumption, because I certainly don't mean it as a negative judgement. I am definitely not better than her because I’ve heard of James Acaster. She’s always showing up to work with stories of cool social things she did, and events she attended. She is objectively doing life better than I am. Doing much more important things with her time than listening to a British radio show from 2014.

I think when I started this post I thought I was building toward some sort of point, or at least conclusion, but I can't remember what it is now. I have one episode left of the radio show. The second-last one was pretty bleak; I'd say it was the first time they hit a point where Ray Peacock got so rough, mentally, that he stopped being funny for a bit. Which is fine, by rights that should have happened way earlier. And it was only for a bit. As my co-worker saw, lots of that episode was still very funny. This is why I barricade myself in empty classrooms.

[shadowmaat]

Life is pain

I didn't want to derail the Padme body horror post making the rounds. It mentions how excruciatingly uncomfortable the costumes were for Kiera Knightly and has an addendum from another person about details from the Queen's Peril that added in some of the agonizing periods she experienced. Which got the pinball in my head rolling. lol.

According to Sources Palpatine has been grooming Padme since childhood. He manipulated her parents into angling her for queendom, "mentored" her as she grew up, and of course convinced her of the whole Vote of No Confidence thing.

Let's take it an additional step and say he formed some kind of one-sided parasitic bond with her. Or at the very least, he was able to feed off her suffering, so made sure she suffered as much as possible. Painful fashion, incompetent doctors/gynecologists, whatever. She grows up thinking this is normal and her handmaidens just sort of roll with it (we'll assume they've tried to help and she shrugged it off as "this is just normal for me.")

Along comes Anakin. Their romance begins. Anakin, who rarely notices anything that doesn't directly affect him and his interests, takes Padme at her word that all her pain is "just normal" and doesn't think twice about it. Sure, he'd spare her if he could because she's his, but if this is what happens to all women, well, he can't fix that.

Good Timeline:

We'll say Anakin and Aayla are on some mission together or just sparring or whatever. Aayla is unusually snappish and apologizes by explaining that it's just the twi'lek equivalent of PMS. Anakin tells her how lucky she is not to be human because it's SO MUCH WORSE for human women.

Aayla, who knows a few things about alien biology, is perplexed and asks for clarification. Anakin blithely mentions that Pad- uh, Senator Amidala is laid up for days because of the pain.

Aayla tells him that isn't normal. Anakin assures her it absolutely is. They argue. Nothing is decided, but Aayla is determined to investigate. She asks Master Che about it. Vokara might not be human, but she's a Master Healer who has worked on countless humans and has access to vast medical databases. Vokara tells her that debilitating periods are absolutely NOT normal for humans. Padme is hauled into the Temple for a thorough checkup, which leads to a bigger investigation, several Nubian doctors and fashion designers losing their licenses/jobs, and a bit of relief for poor Padme, who isn't sure how to handle a life without pain. We'll say that Palpatine's role in things isn't discovered, but he of course expresses sympathy for the poor young thing while mentally moving up his timeline to compensate.

Bad Timeline:

Anakin and Aayla never discuss feminine health. Palpatine arranges for Anakin to have the parasitic bond, which isn't hard to do given Anakin's unhealthy obsession with Padme.

Anakin goes through the war while rarely experiencing any serious injuries. Padme, however, has frequent illnesses and periods of weakness/low energy. Since her corrupt doctors are still in place, she's reassured that not only is this stuff normal for her, but her concern might indicate some degree of hypochondria or other attention-seeking gambit that makes them question if she needs a therapist. That'll back her right off, since she can't be seen as "mentally weak" or whatever nonsense.

Anyway, this route sets the stage for that fanon idea that Padme died because her life force was drained in order to save Anakin.

I think I had more to say but I've been interrupted five times and lost whatever train of thought I was on. Ah well. lol

edit: oh right, I think there was a "worst timeline" idea that involved Anakin killing Padme during one of his tantrums and then somehow reanimating her while he desperately tried to pretend everything was normal and nothing bad had happened.