#one time he told me to “yeet the garbage outside” and i nearly died from the psychic damage that caused me

[generalgri3vous]

my 41 year old father's attempt at slang (dear lord its as bad as you would expect)

-"These roads are clapped"

-"This traffic is, as you kids would say "cringe""

-"So things we really like are "bussin"? Does that include people?"

-"My wife is bussin!" said in the most dad-voice possible.

-"This cellphone is sus. WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING???"

-"Back in my day, clap was an STD, not slang."

-"See Honey, this is the generational gap I was talking about. Back in our day bussin was for tables."

-"So if I want to throw something really hard, I "yeet" it? Why not just say I chucked it?"

[phantomphangphucker]

So imma share my kinda weird DP dream from last night

So the entirety of Amity went on a trip to someplace called Marven Wood and lived in a park for twelve day’s and six days in all the birds in the world get weirdly sick and start flying around at ground level but really fast like they were tiny feathery torpedos of doom. And if you got cut by their beaks or breathed air touched by their feathers you straight up died and started clipping through the ground or objects.

So obvi an emergency is called and everyone in this huge ass park where the Amity Parker’s are living for some reason, are told to bunker down in two buildings called The Boy Band Bunker and Bathroom 3 (which is just a big red dining hall, not a bathroom at all). But Danny, the dumbass, was getting wine drunk on seven dollar sangria in an two stall outhouse and whispering sweet nothings into the wall (“you’re the greatest ‘cause you make me feel like I know what catfish feel like”), when the emergency was broadcasted.

And for some asinine reason this outhouse, even though it’s a fucking outhouse, has some intense ass soundproofing, so Danny can’t hear shit. But eventually he claps his thighs and decides he wants to crawl up a tree to sleep. So he opens the door and sees all these fucking birds acting like darts and just nopes out and closes the damn door. But before he does, some adult in Bathroom 3 spots him through a window that magically disappears later on. So this adult gets on some speaker that somehow surpasses the outhouses soundproofing and tells Danny to stay put because trying to get to either ‘safe’ building is too risky.

So Danny now knows there’s a ‘problem’ and ‘danger’. So he shoves the nearly empty sangria in a locker for safe keeping (because apparently lockers exist in out houses in this universe), goes ghost, and phases out. But dunk Danny has enough of a brain cell to stay intangible as to not get impaled by the murder birds.

He duplicates twice, sending two duplicates to fly aggressively and protectively around the safe buildings. While main him searches Marven Wood for people, surprise surprise, he finds a little girl under a literal pile of benches and takes her intangibly via a third duplicate to The Boy Band Bunker. But then, oh no!, one of the torpedo birds breaks through Bathroom 3’s wall and Danny has to phase in and take it down with a sleep ray (because apparently he can do that now) and traps it in a garbage bag (which logically would suffocate it, but that doesn’t happen) and yeets it back outside.

So now Danny’s faced with the fact that these death dart birds can damage the ‘safe’ buildings and there’s this fucking tubular hole in one. So he starts legit defending the buildings by blasting birds with ecto-blasts because he apparently forgot that he has a sleep ray now. Not even ten minutes in, he starts crying, because he’s hurting the birds and his Obsession is having a few issues with that.

Then original Danny finds his mom, of course, outside shooting birds with an ecto-canon like a badass. But there’s this intense ass scene where there’s just too many birds and Danny’s racing against them to get to her. Dramatic music and whooshing noises included. But he makes it in the nick of time and turns her intagible.

Then they have a cute little heart to heart that consists of ‘please trust me so you won’t straight die’ and ‘this is your faul-Phantom, why are you crying?’. Which devolves into Maddie realising Phantom literally can’t harm people or things but his Obsession just screams OBJECTION! So she starts calming him down and telling him the birds are gonna die anyway and he’s just putting them out of their misery while helping to stop the spread of infection.

Danny’s okay after this revelation and Maddie ties herself to him so he can keep her intagible, while the two blast the bird bastards to high Hell.

Eventually all the birds are massacred, Danny still with watering eyes the whole ass time because he’s sad and kinda drunk. So then the biohazard guys come in, in their over the top hazmat shit and Danny fucks off back to the outhouse. Course the outhouse is fucking trashed and there’s one bird that’s just imbedded in the wall. Danny curls up and pretends to be hiding right next to said wall bird, for some imperceptible excuse or another.

Half an hour later three hazmat dudes full on kick the door in, action movie style, and get Danny into a hazmat.

Then there’s a black cut out/scene fade to a close up of a squirming black garbage bag before that one fucking sick ass bird busts out and caws ominously. This is the only bird sound the entire time (which startled me enough to wake up apparently)