#one time an online friend told my I live like in a soap opera

[nervocat]

I like exposing some stories from my life when I Remember

[ao3-oner]

i really love the gen.g members in your LCKverse ! can you please share a few random gen.g headcannons

Thank you so much for the ask! I love them so much too and am always happy to share more about them. For now, here's an assorted handbasket of hcs:

Kiin LOVES dogs, has wanted one ever since he was a little kid, but his parents never let him get one because they said it was too much responsibility. He wants to get one as soon as he retires from pro-gaming and has his own place, and has even pitched the idea of getting a team dog back when he was on KDF, but the idea got shot down. He likes cats, too, but is extremely allergic to them so sadly he has to keep his distance :(

Canyon has a sweet tooth, which may not seem like that big of a deal but for those of you who don't know ShowMaker hates anything sweet or sugary, so Canyon's kept this a secret for years. He may or may not have gotten busted by deokdam while sneaking a caramel from the Dplus dorm stash at 3 am back in '22 but he was fiercely sworn to silence and the issue never came to light. On GenG, he lets himself indulge a bit more, but he'll still freeze up on occasion when someone enters the room as he's unwrapping a sweet or mid-bite of a dessert.

Chovy has prepared for the event of one of his friends/colleagues getting stuck in a timeloop by preparing a specific loop codephrase that only he knows, so that if anyone else says it to him, he'll know they've lived through that same day before. He's also already started brainstorming a list of likely reasons why he or someone else might get stuck in a timeloop so that if someone does approach him he has a few ideas of what to try. No one knows why he felt the need to prepare so much for this hyperspecific fantasy scenario, but some have speculated that he watched a movie about it when he was young and ever since has had an irrational fear of groundhog-daying. Else maybe he just read the handful of LoLRPF fics about time loops and wanted to be ready, lmao-

Peyz first started playing League after watching Faker win Worlds in 2017 - prior to that, he primarily played solo-play games like card battlers and online board games. When he was eleven, he overheard some of his classmates talking about League and decided to watch the World Finals in hopes of making friends that way. After that, he gave it a try, and learned that he really liked working with other players - he did need to be in a carry role, though, in case the rest of his team wasn't up to standard. It was a few years later when he told his parents that his dream was to become a pro-gamer.

Lehends watched a TON of b-tier soap operas (k-dramas?) growing up and it used to drive his family crazy because he'd recite the most random lines from it at inopportune times (cue young Siwoo in detention because he told the teacher 'you only think that because you're pregnant with her husband's child', which is evidently not an appropriate response to being told he answered the math problem incorrectly). His television use was regulated after that, but then he discovered webtoons and got his tacky romance fix that way. If he's having a bad day, sometimes he'll still queue up one of his old favorites, maybe an episode of a drama that he can recite every word to, and curl up under the covers with snacks and act out the whole thing to himself.

That's one for everyone, but their group dynamic is very fun as well! If you watch their streams/vods you know that they all play arena with each other pretty regularly, and I love how they all take care of each other, especially how they all tend to Peyz. In my mind, Gen.G is essentially Peyz's adopted father (Canyon), mother (Chovy), tired uncle (Kiin) and wine aunt (Lehends), which is kind of hilarious because Peyz already has a way better home life than any of the four of them, yet they're all so devoted to taking care of him.

Thanks again for the ask, and have a great day <3

[dontgivenoyacaffeine]

Some Thoughts about Sakusa Kiyoomi (headcanon's)

Hi I just found out how to use the keep reading function so I will no longer take up a feed with a long list of headcannon's. This also means I will be posting longer lists of headcannon's because I have no willpower. Also if y'all haven't noticed I do not proof read these. English is my first language, I just write these at like three in the morning.

- He actually likes that Atsumu calls him Omi, it was his idea actually. He doesn't like the fact that his name is usually associated with woman so he prefers people call him Sakusa, but Atsumu wanted to call him something that was more personal than his family name, thus Omi was born (I can't believe I started this with lowkey SakuAtsu oops)

- His tells people his favorite color is red because it was the first color he thought of but really his favorite color is brown and he just got tiered of arguing with people that "it's actually a really nice color ad has a lot of variety in it" (yes I am projecting)

- He once decided to jump off a second story window of a house and into a pool at a random party in high school. It was his first and last party he went to. He jumped out completely sober because the 'small get together' Komori had dragged him to had more and more people showing up every minutes and it was the only way he could get out of the crowd. He got invited to every party after that but he never showed.

- He decided to go to college because he was scared of not being able to make it professionally. IT wasn't until he saw Kageyama and Ushijima making it professionally with the Adlers that he regretted his decision. He stuck it to the end though because he had already started it.

- He got his degree in communications, specifically in sports broadcast and journalism so that he can stay as close to the volleyball scene as possible once he retires from playing.

- He convinces Atsumu to get a degree via online college so that he has a career to fall back on that isn't making food with his brother. Because of this he becomes a tutor for Atsumu and helps him get a degree in education services.

- When he retires he gets hired by the v-league media team and works closely with the athletes documenting their lives for the various media platforms.

- He convinced Komori to shave his eyebrows into circles as a dare in high school. Komori liked it so he kept doing it no knowing or caring that it would permanently effect his eyebrow hair growth. Kiyoomi hates his cousins eyebrows but he has no one but himself to blame.

- Kiyoomi thought he preferred Atsumu with his natural dark hair, but when he let it grow out naturally after shaving it for a charity event Kiyoomi mistook him for Osamu when Atsumu went in for a kiss and decked him in the face. He no longer prefers Atsumu with his natural hair color.

- His entire house is fitted with different forms of LED smart lights. He has lights connected to his TV, lights in multiple lamps, LED shower lights, a light in his toilet bow, just LED lights everywhere. No one has seen him in normal colored or overhead lighting in his home. Except for Atsumu and Komori who helped him install every light.

- He has a bookshelf that covers an entire wall filled with collectors editions of classics. he hasn't read over half the books in his collection though, but everyone thinks he is super smart because of the fact he owns them

- When he was at the Olympics, he ended up using thigh high knee pads. He used them all during the practice seasons leading up to the Olympics, so he was used to them, but the media was not. Japanese volley ball fans went crazy at the change convinced it was going to make them loose. It wasn't until the won three different games in straight sets that the media finally shut up about his knee pads.

- He watches a lot of foreign media (an no I don't just mean he watches Japanese and American shows, I mean a diverse selection of media from different random countries, yes this is me projecting again shut up) and it always confuses his teammates when they see him watching something in a language none of them understand. The most confusing this to them was a Spanish soap opera. Everyone tried to get Hinata to translate it, but he had a hard time explain that he knew only a little Spanish and that the language of Brazil was Portuguese not Spanish. Kiyoomi finally turned and let them watch over his shoulders so that they could read the subtitles too. It became tradition to go over to someone's house and watch soap operas after that.

- He actually becomes good friends with Tobio during the Olympics and keeps in touch with him afterwards. No one but Atsumu and Hinata knows what they have in common, and no one would believe them if they told the that they both collect stuffed animals

- He had his sexual awakening at college when he accidentally walked in on two guys making out in a classroom. There was no weird moment, he just saw them and was like "wait a minute that's what I want to do" and he just was.

- Everyone thinks he's gay when he starts dating Atsumu but he addresses the public and comes out as demi. He doesn't tell the public that the only other relationship he had was with a woman.

- He and Atsumu come up with pet names for each other making fun of common pet names. Kiyoomi calls Atsumu candy cake (sweetie pie) and Atsumu calls Kiyoomi bee vomit (honey).

- He never wears the color green after high school and no one knows why. Everyone thinks there is some large conspiracy behind it. The reality is that he just doesn't think it looks good on him.

- He loves having his hair played with by any and everyone who is willing to play with his hair. His touch aversion makes everyone think he wouldn't like it but eventually it becomes common practice amongst the Jackals and the JNT to play with his hair whenever they're stresses.

- He hates the shoes they have to wear to games for MSBY games and makes it a priority to put them on the last possible second he can and take them off the first moment he can. He can commonly be seen walking off of the court after games carrying his shoes with his socks sliding on the floor as he walks. He has tripped many ties and has no plan of stopping.

-He made a cameo in a show and promptly got caught in a scandal with the lead actress of the show where everyone thought they were cheating in their partners with each other. It gets shut down quickly when, at a press conference after a game, a journalist asks him about it and he reaches over and grabs Atsumu's face and kisses him as loudly as he could. No one asks him or her anything about it again.

- He likes wearing fun and bright clothes that would make him stand out especially since he's a star athlete and very tall, but because no one expects him to wear a bright red pair of overalls with a checkers black and white button up underneath everyone thinks he's just an eccentrically dressed lookalike.

[elvenbeard]

@connortheconceded​ I did not forget your questions! XD Finally have a minute to sit down and answer them properly, thanks so much for asking (and outing yourself XD)

As a quick summary of her background and what she’s up to in San Andreas at the moment: by day she’s a photographer for a local marketing company, by night she’s a private investigator in a small agency. She’s been a P.I. for almost a year now and ended up there completely by chance, literally by randomly meeting one of its founders and becoming friends with him. The two founders of the agency have long left the city, and Natascha and another P.I. have been running the thing in their absence, and the wish has been growing in Natascha to officially take over the lead, because working there feels like the ideal job. She’s a little bit of a jack of all trades, tried many things, has many random skills and knowledge that all come in handy there.

A couple of months ago a guy she didn’t know at the time made a posting looking for creative people for a “secret project” and, curious by nature, she replied and wanted to know what he was about. Turned out, he wanted to found a new design and marketing company and was looking for graphic designers and photographers, so she applied for the job... and almost simultaneously, this same guy applied at the detective agency to work there. And so it happened they became colleagues, he turned out be super good at being a P.I. too. Eventually they became good friends not only because of many shared interests, but also shared beliefs about what needed to change in the city. He said he considered her the only person he could trust 100%, which was something no one had told her before, so that was a big honor. Her friend also had big ambitions in everything he did and stood by his word, achieving many awesome feats that Natascha admired. But he also dared a lot, knew many people, many dangerous people, too, and eventually got into some serious trouble with criminals. In the end everything turned out well again, at least somewhat, but the events made him a little paranoid and disillusioned. Still though, the detective agency grew and was able to establish great connections, the marketing agency grew and Natascha built up upon her slightly neglected photography skills working there, all seemed well, life was good.

Then, when she came back to San Andreas after a short family visit back home in London, her friend and coworker who had a significant part in the success both these companies had had in the latest months, had suddenly left the city. No proper goodbye, but a secret message at least wishing her the best for the future. That was quite the blow and definitely ended an important chapter and arc in her life, and her friend is dearly missed on a personal and professional level still.

So yeh... I guess you could summarize GTA RP as a soap opera happening in real time :D Only that people die a little less frequently and rather randomly disappear or leave the city xD Although, deaths do happen as well from time to time. And alleged alien abductions, too... I promise, one day, should Natascha meet her demise or have to leave the city permanently, I’m gonna write a book about it all xD

Natascha drives a car as of now, but she’d love to have a motorcycle as well some day (but can’t decide which one :D my personal favourites are the Pegassi Bati and Dinka Akuma - the Bati was the first motorcycle I had in normal GTA Online, and the Akuma is just a really cool motorcycle that I first really got to know through the RP server, bc a friend at the time drove one XD). 

Natascha’s car is a black, completely basic BF Club that she bought used for 3,800$ a long while ago actually. She’s thinking about investing some money into tuning it, as it’s not the fastest car. She lives in Paleto Bay while most of her work activity happens in Los Santos, so that’s a lot of driving back and forth and sometimes it seems to take ages to get to the city :D For now though it’ll do, and she has no intentions of selling the car as it’s been a trusted companion for so long already! It’s actually the first car she ever owned, too. Also, few people would probably expect ulterior motives or anything from the inconspiciuous driver of a boring-ass plain beginner’s car... >:3c

[fishmongeringstudies]

opening scene, six am, scrambled eggs stuck to your economy class seat

the first thing i bought in america was a stick of deodorant. i'd left mine in singapore though i could've sworn i'd stuck it in my suitcase before i got on the plane, in the turquoise pouch with the chipped zipper beside the advil that would sit there, forgotten, for the next thirteen weeks and a travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer that smelled like well-fermented ass. it turns out your memory fails you when you're getting ready to leave everything you've ever known behind, even if the place you're headed for has looked like a hammered michelangelo's impression of salvation for most of your life. it was that kind of time. i was out of my mind and found the space beneath my feet where one expects floor to be empty for most, if not all, of my waking moments. of course i forgot about the deodorant. the real surprise was that i thought i'd remember at all.

the first thing i bought when i got on campus was a bottle of mineral water. it took me two days to realize that the star trek-esque metal fitting built into the wall on the first floor of my dorm building was meant to dispense drinking water and not tiny silver men that would kill me in my sleep, and three to realize that none of the water coolers in this place were functional. jamming my thumb into the button while no longer expecting anything to happen, i was reminded, suddenly and abruptly, that we were in the middle of a pandemic. i resisted the urge to rub my eye with the back of my hand and went back up to my room, where already a small army of plastic bottles had begun to accumulate on an empty shelf.

the first person i spoke to here is not a good person, but not a particularly bad one either. he is selfish and has half-eaten dinner plates for eyes and thinks the world is the size of his fist, which is how most people are when they're eighteen, especially the boys, especially the ones who've never had to answer to the horrible, searching x-ray question, what are you? i only hope he grows out of it. i will not be the one to make him. perhaps he should make an appointment with god.

the first time i cried in america was when i was born (austin, texas, april 25th, 2001). it hasn't happened since.

today i cross the street from the campus bookstore to the bank, thumbing my passport in the pocket of my hoodie to make sure it hasn't fallen out, to make sure they'll be able to identify my body if i'm ever found somewhere wet and starless (behind a beat-up denny's would be good, though i'm not against the idea of waffle house). i spend five minutes standing awkwardly in front of the empty counter, shifting my weight from one foot to the other, before i notice the print-out saying something about online check-ins and virtual consultations. i ignore it. when i finally work up the courage to speak to someone the teller makes me scan the QR code with my phone anyway. eight hours later, long after i've opened my first bank account in america and gotten a bona fide american debit card, bright orange like they're afraid i'm going to drop it on the street if it's the color of slate (i will anyway, because god made me full of homosexuality and hubris and i intend to live up to his expectations), and discovered that i am, in fact, capable of holding a conversation with two strangers a decade my senior who both have wedding rings and big adult smiles and soft adult voices, i get a text back. good news, it says. we're ready to serve you now.

the spring semester ends today. when i was typing up my powerpoint on why i should be allowed to go to america for college at four a.m. last december i remember looking up the duration of the spring semester on the school website. look, i told my mom, while frantically clicking through fifteen pointless, but very cool animations on google slides with my other hand. it's only until may twenty-first. it's not that long. but it's long enough.

it isn't long enough. three months is barely enough time to get someone to trust you enough to tell you what they think about when they're lying awake in bed at three o'clock in the morning and they have to pee but they're starting to drift off and if they get up now they'll never fall asleep ever again in their life. and this is a country we're talking about. the worst one there is. the loudest, the proudest, the weirdest; the closest to the proverbial heart of man. the one that's the happiest to fuck the world up, over and over again. this is not your standard courtship ritual. this is a lifelong investmnet.

one time someone told me he'd always thought he was straight. but then i met you, he said, his brows scrunched together in a way that was both unattractive and made me want to pinch his cheeks together until there was nothing left in between. so what does that make me? imagine i'm standing in that room again but a little removed from the scene. i stare into the camera like i'm in the office. i don't have a fucking clue, i say blankly. why the fuck are you asking me?

there is something about people who have never been forced to consider the question of what constitutes their fundamental identity as a human being. they're so happy, but in the way that toddlers are before they realize that melted ice cream doesn't taste as good as the frozen stuff and things that die, like, actually don't come back to you even if you hold a funeral for the ant you accidentally squished and stop drinking soda for a week and make sure not to step on all the white tiles in the hallway outside your apartment. i imagine all of the happy cishets in the world poised on the edge of a very tall building. what's at the bottom of the drop? i dunno. you'll have to ask them.

recently i acquired seven bottles of nail polish from a friend who was trying to clear out her collection before leaving for the summer. i keep forgetting people are leaving for the summer, and now they've all left. reality hits you like a horse's ass across the cheek. it's warm. it's soft. it smells unpleasant but in a way that makes you want to keep smelling it even though at the back of your mind you know that this isn't going to improve your mental, physical, or spiritual health, and yet in the moment, in the moment that is the now that is the blood coursing through your veins all red and shimmery like glass, in this funny little moment all you can do is stand there, eyes squeezed shut, and inhale.

i convinced my mom to send me my favorite bomber jacket. the postage cost seventeen dollars and fifty cents in singapore dollars but true to form it only took thirteen days to get from one side of the globe to the other. it is not so appalling after all that we are connected by distances. geographically speaking, i am always beside you.

there is at least one working water cooler on this campus. in the basement of this whoozy, boozy freshman dorm, beside the laundry room with its clear glass door and clean, powdery lavender-lemon-jasmine smell, you will find a metal fixture with a thick rectangular button hidden under the lip of the bowl. if you jam your thumb into it, water will erupt from the fountain-head like god pouring life into the mouths of tiny clay-children or goldfish, depending on which version of history you're a fan of, depending on which natgeo subscription you have. and the water will be very sweet, very cold, nourishing the skin on your bones and furnishing the ground beneath your feet. but don't drink from it. we're in a pandemic, after all.

instead go back up, past the lounge with the flatscreen tv and the ratty green sofas, past the elevator that sounds like a soap opera crossed with a minecraft let's play, past the cubbyhole of a kitchen with the moldy sponges and the half-empty bottle of dish soap that smells like van gogh's impression of misery until you get to the room that, for the last three brilliant, battered months, has been yours. and let yourself in.

05.21.21

[missjanjie]

Taste of a Poison Paradise | Chapter 8

Title: Taste of a Poison Paradise Summary: Life at Jackie Cox’s strip club, Poison Paradise, isn’t just lapdances and g-strings. There’s enough drama, lust, and heartache to rival any soap opera. None of the girls know what to expect on any given shift, especially while navigating their torrid, complicated relationships. Word Count: ~3k (this chapter) / ~24.2k (total) Relationship(s): Lemyanka (Lemon/Priyanka), Crygi (Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode), Sportsdoll (Jan Sport/Nicky Doll), Jaidie (Jaida Essence Hall/Jackie Cox), BVK (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo/Kameron Michaels), Rosnali (Rosé/Denali Foxx) Rating: E

Read on AO3 | Ko-Fi

Chapter Summary: Things seem to be going well for Lemon until they go really bad really fast. Things are actually going well for Jackie and Jaida.

-

For the next couple of weeks, it seemed like Lemon was on the mend. She had finished her finals, gotten through her senior year, and now it was time to celebrate. Hers and Gigi’s graduations were only a couple of days apart, so the group decided to combine their graduation party that weekend.

It was one of the rare times the club was closed on a Saturday, but Jackie wanted to make sure everyone could celebrate together and turned the main room into their party space. “Cheers,” she said, raising her glass, “to Lemon and Gigi, college graduates!”

The group clinked their glasses together and drank, everyone resuming their casual conversation, relaxed, and enjoying one another’s company. With the exception, of course, of Lemon and Priyanka, who were still trying to avoid each other like the plague.

“Look, I love those two as much as the rest of y’all, but I’ve stopped feeling sorry for them — at this point, it’s just annoying,” Kameron remarked as she watched the way they behaved with a grimace. “Not that it’s any of my business, but it kind of is considering how often I have to witness them, but how long were they hooking up for anyway?”

Vanessa furrowed her brows as she counted on her fingers. “Dunno, like four months?”

“Shit, that’s like a lesbian year,” she murmured, sipping her drink. “This isn’t gonna fix itself is it?”

“Not as long as Pri’s got that rock on her finger.”

“It could be worse,” Brooke Lynn chimed in, her lips pursed around the straw in her glass, “at least she doesn’t wear it to work, can you imagine the fit Lemon would throw if she had to stare down a diamond every day?”

The three of them looked at Lemon, who, at least for the moment, appeared to be enjoying herself, then at Priyanka, who was talking to Crystal and looking stressed.

“So, dress shopping is happening on Wednesday?” Crystal asked. “Does she know?”

“Of course she doesn’t know,” Priyanka scoffed and shook her head, “I have no idea how to keep her from knowing, no one can keep a secret in their family.”

Crystal winced but nodded. “Well, good luck,” she offered before Gigi made their way to her side and her attention immediately became divided.

“Thanks,” Priyanka mumbled, her gaze drifting to Lemon, who was talking animatedly to Jan and Rosé, “I’ll need it.”

------

By the time Wednesday rolled around, Priyanka’s nerves hadn’t quelled in the slightest. Lucky for her, at least, those with her — her mother, sister, and future mother-in-law wrote it off as pre-wedding jitters. Scarlett knew better, but there was no need to blow up her best friend’s spot like that.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to a more traditional store?” The mother-in-law asked, “I know Mark doesn’t want your culture to be ignored.”

“It will be two separate ceremonies,” Priyanka’s mom cut in before she could speak for herself, “she will be wearing her grandmother’s sari for that.”

Priyanka had to fight off the pained expression that tried to twist its way onto her face. It was only when she had broken the news to her family that she remembered what a big event weddings were in her family. She wasn’t about to get off lightly with this. Instead, she let the assistant at the shop lead her to a rack of dresses and suggested a few. She agreed to them without giving them a proper look, figuring she would let a majority rule.

Once she was in the first dress, she returned to the main room and stepped up on the platform in front of the mirrors. Right away, the women began discussing and debating the pros and cons of the dress — where it fit right, where it’d need to be taken in. But she couldn’t bring herself to focus on anything, instead zoning out to the song playing through the store’s speakers.

I'm living for the only thing I know I'm running and not quite sure where to go And I don't know what I'm diving into Just hanging by a moment here with you

Normally, Priyanka would roll her eyes at this sort of song, at the cheesy love in the lyrics. But with her only alternative being actively participating in shopping for a wedding dress, she listened to the music and let it resonate.

Desperate for changing Starving for truth I'm closer to where I started I'm chasing after you

She winced but blamed it on accidentally being stuck with a pin. They didn’t have to play a song that hit so close to home, she thought. It made it that much harder to ignore the feelings that bubbled up inside her. It was only then that she realized someone was talking to her. “Huh?”

“I asked if you liked the dress,” Scarlett replied.

“Oh,” she cleared her throat. “Yeah, it’s fine.” She then realized she should have been more convincing because she found herself ushered back into the dressing room to try on dress number two, which she would then force enthusiasm for so the day would end as soon as possible.

“Are you okay?” her mother asked with sincere concern.

Priyanka nodded as she stepped off the platform. “Just a little lightheaded, I didn’t have breakfast.”

“Well, let’s get this dress taken care of, then we’ll go get something to eat.”

She nodded again as she went back to change into her regular clothes. Maybe she did just need to eat, she thought. Maybe some food or a nap would bring her back into reality. The reality where she was preparing to get married. The reality that Lemon could no longer be the main character in, no matter what some stupid song was trying to tell her. Or even worse, no matter how much she wanted her to be.

------

“You don’t normally ask me to make house calls,” Jaida remarked as Jackie let her into the apartment, “is everything okay?”

Jackie exhaled deeply. No matter how many times she had rehearsed what she was going to say, she still ended up tongue-tied the second she laid eyes on her. But she was determined to work her way through this and not let nerves get the best of her. “I watched the video you did with Denali. I… I watched it more times than I’d like to admit,” she confessed. “And I can’t get the image of you fucking her out of my mind. But more specifically… I can’t stop picturing myself in her place.”

Jaida had to put all of her mental energy into fighting off a smug grin. She wanted to choose her words carefully, not wanting to overwhelm an already anxious Jackie. “Since we’re being honest here, that’s kinda what I was aiming for,” at Jackie’s confused reaction, she continued, “you could have been less obvious with your username and how you talk online. Maybe it’s ‘cause I know you so well, but I could read all of your messages in your voice.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t want you to feel pressured to confront how you felt, considering your coming out was still fresh for you. I just wanted you to know that the option was there whenever you were ready.”

There was a silent beat before Jackie swallowed thickly and told her, “I’m ready.”

“Then tell me what you want, baby.”

“I want you to fuck me.” The words felt foreign for Jackie to say, the phrase has never left her lips with any sort of sincerity before. But at the same time, she had never been more certain in her life about what she wanted and how badly she wanted it.

Jaida moved to Jackie, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her deeply. “I’m gonna take good care of you, okay?” she promised as they made their way to the bedroom.

And Jackie trusted her, she trusted her more than she would have anyone else in this position. She let Jaida take her to bed, let her take her time undressing her and pressing kisses to every newly exposed inch of skin. She eagerly helped her clothes off as well, letting her hands roam her body in ways she had only fantasized about.

“I don’t want you to be afraid of being loud,” Jaida told her. “I wanna hear you, wanna know how good I’m making you feel.” As she spoke, her fingers glided down Jackie’s body, stopping between her thighs before starting to rub her clit in small, firm circles.

Jackie’s head tilted back into the pillows, soft moans spilling from her lips. Her body yielded to Jaida’s touch and her moans grew louder as the other woman eased one finger into her, thrusting and curling it before adding another and picking up a steady rhythm.

“Good girl,” she praised, trailing kisses down her body. She then slowly eased her fingers out and replaced them with her tongue, licking and thrusting at a similar pace while her fingers moved to rub her clit in tandem.

It wasn’t long before the sensation became overwhelming and Jackie’s hips started to jerk erratically. She barely managed to squeak out a warning before she came harder than she ever had before, her body trembling when she was spent. “Oh my god…”

Jaida came back up and laid beside her. “Are you okay?” she asked softly, pushing the hair out of her face.

“I’m good,” Jackie assured. “I just… I haven’t… it, um…”

“Jackie…” she furrowed her brows and sat up a bit, “have you ever been with a woman before?”

Jackie’s face turned a deep shade of red. “I have, kind of. It’s been hard to work through so many years of repression and internalized homophobia, you know? I’ve made out with girls, fooled around a bit. But I guess no, I’ve never properly had sex with another woman before. I wouldn’t have wanted to put that pressure on you anyway. Besides, I couldn’t have asked for a better first time.”

Jaida exhaled deeply, suddenly becoming aware of the weight that’d built upon her chest. “Then that’s all I needed to hear.”

------

“There’s a birthday party out there tonight,” Gigi remarked offhandedly as they and Lemon got ready in the quick-change room. “I know how much you love those,” they added with an overly exaggerated eye roll.

Lemon groaned. Birthdays and bachelor parties were tied for the worst groups of men to deal with as clients, the only exceptions being the ones that take it as an opportunity to go all out and tip well. “And you’re on the stage next?” she let out another disgruntled whine when they nodded, finishing off her cocktail. “Gonna get a refill, gonna need it for doing rounds.” Naturally, when she went to the bar, she went right to Crystal. The downside was Crystal knew to cut her off after three drinks and she had to flirt with men to keep the drinks coming.

“You’re getting your third one this early?” Crystal questioned as she mixed it for her. “Something on your mind?”

“Nope. Just got a birthday party that’s probably all gonna want lap dances,” she replied, taking a swig as soon as she got the drink in her hand. Sure, it didn’t help that she had seen Scarlett’s instagram post of Priyanka in her wedding dress earlier, but she wasn’t about to hash that out, especially not with the bride-to-be all of four feet away.

And Crystal wasn’t entirely convinced, but she knew there was no use in pushing further. “Well, good luck,” she offered.

Lemon set her empty glass on the counter before making her way through the crowd. It took a little while before she ended up in the vicinity of the group of men, and not long after that, they flagged her down. At first, it was business as usual, though she couldn’t shake the feeling that one of the men seemed familiar.

“Hey Mark,” the man celebrating his birthday remarked, “maybe we should come back here for your bachelor party. I bet Priyanka won’t mind!” he laughed.

That made Lemon freeze in her tracks as it all clicked. She saw red and her blood boiled with a wave of anger and loathing she had never felt before. Something inside of her took over, she hadn’t even realized she had thrown a drink in his face and screamed at him until Kameron was pulling her away and all eyes in the club were on her, including Priyanka’s, who had dropped everything to run over the second she heard Lemon scream.

“Who the hell are you?” Mark asked incredulously.

“I’m who your fianceé thinks about while you’re fucking her,” Lemon snarled while locked in Kameron’s grasp.

It was then that both Mark and Lemon realized Priyanka was right there. “What the fuck is she talking about, Pri?”

Priyanka felt her heart drop into the pit of her stomach as she prayed for the floor to open up beneath her so the ground would swallow her whole. She knew she had been playing a dangerous game, but she could have never predicted that it would blow up in her face this badly. “I-”

“She’s never gonna love you,” Lemon continued with disdain in her voice. But then her tone softened to a calm, albeit distant one. “But don’t worry,” she looked towards Priyanka, their eyes meeting, “she’s never gonna love me either.”

Other than the music playing in the background, the room was silent as Lemon let Kameron take her upstairs to the common room. “How are you feeling?” she asked gently as she sat at the other end of the couch, resting her hand on the smaller girl’s leg. “You really caused a scene back there.”

“Whatever,” she mumbled. “He was gonna find out eventually. You can’t live a lie forever,” she hiccuped as she sprawled her barely-dressed body out. “I need another drink.”

“The only thing you’re drinking is water,” she said sternly, getting up and grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and bringing it back, propping Lemon up enough so she could drink. “I’m gonna call Rosé and have her take you home, I don’t think you should stick around tonight,” she told her as she fished her phone from her pocket.

Lemon nodded and pushed herself to sit up properly. She hung her head down, intentionally hiding her face from Kameron as she sniffled quietly. “Pri’s gonna hate me now, isn’t she?”

Kameron winced, unsure of how honest she should be with someone both drunk and emotionally unstable. “I think once the dust settles, you two are going to have to have a long talk. It’s not gonna be easy, but it’s gonna be the only way you two have a shot at healing.”

“I ruined her marriage.”

She shook her head. “She ruined her marriage the moment she said yes to someone she didn’t want to be with. She probably would’ve gotten cold feet and left him at the altar,” she mused, both out of her honest belief and the hope that she could get Lemon to crack a smile. And once she did, she felt comfortable getting back up and calling Rosé, warning her of exactly what happened.

“I got here as fast as I could,” Rosé announced once she made it upstairs. “Three different guys tried to buy lap dances off me on the way, sorry,” she added before rushing to her cousin’s side. “You’ve done it now, huh, Lem?” she shook her head as she helped her to her feet.

Vanessa emerged from the locker room with the rest of Lemon’s belongings. “Here, you might wanna get her changed before you take her back outta here.”

Kameron furrowed her brows. “You know her locker combination?”

“Um… yes?” she tucked a bobby pin into her back pocket. “This ain’t about me,” she was quick to change the subject and helped Lemon get changed.

Rosé effectively ignored the entire exchange, saying her goodbyes to the other women before driving Lemon back home and getting her changed again, this time into pajamas. “Mik isn’t home, you can sleep in her bed,” she offered.

Lemon chewed her lip for a moment, then shook her head. “Can I stay with you? I just… I don’t wanna be by myself.”

“Of course, baby,” she assured and tucked her into bed. “Do you need anything? Water? Something to eat?”

“Need to wake up in a world where none of this happened.”

Rosé sighed sadly. “Fresh out, unfortunately.” She changed as well before joining her in bed. “Just wake me if you need anything, okay?” When she got a nod of confirmation, she turned the lights off and called it a night.

But that wasn’t the case for Lemon. No, she wouldn’t be so lucky. Even though she had been drunk, the incident replayed in her mind in great detail no matter how many times she tried to shut it off. That, coupled with struggling to sort through the mix of emotions still swirling through her, kept her awake for another hour or so before exhaustion took over and she passed out.

And back at the club, everyone else was left to pick up the pieces of the explosive incident. But as much as the clientele was willing to move past what they’d witnessed, none of the employees could get themselves to carry on. So, with Jackie’s blessing, they called it an early night and nearly everyone went back home.

Priyanka hung back, seeking solace in Jackie’s office, knowing her boss might be the only one that could understand the gravity of the fallout. “What the fuck am I supposed to do now, Jackie? This is effectively outing me to everyone. And I look bad too, they’re gonna find out I’m gay and a cheater in one go. What should I do?”

Jackie sighed, her heart truly breaking for her. “I wish there was an easy answer for this. I think, for now, you just need to get through the night.”

And Priyanka would, though she was afraid to fall asleep, overwhelmed with the need to postpone tomorrow as long as she could, because she had run out of ways to hide or lie her way out of it.

[angrylizardjacket]

heard your name in every love song {Ben Hardy} 2

2. well that was many years ago, how would you see me now I've grown up (given up my video games)

Summary: When you’re fifteen, and your former babysitter’s on TV in one of the UK’s most successful soap operas, and is still decidedly hot, all you can remember is the advice he’d given you, and how he’d let you win when playing videogames.

A/N: 2780 words. ben’s not in this one persay, but we gotta set up y/n as this badass actress, ya know? y/n’s mother is mentioned but that’s it in terms of family. also i dub thee a theater kid. congratulations.

the mutant brotherhood: @daisy-lu​ @hervoidparadise​ @nedmjpeter​ @ultrunning​ @d-r-e-a-m-catchme​ @clementimee​ @that-fandom-sucks-tho​ @cjand10​ @rest-is-detail​ @baileymae​ @rosesvioletshardy​ @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @hazelstyles94​ @bitchylittleredhead​ @bihemian-rhapsody​ @sweatyexpertgardenpanda​ @whereeverythingisbetter​ @dedxbed​ @xxencagedxx​ @glittrixvibe​ @a-girl-with-stress​ @sunflower-ben​ @pxroxide-prinxcesss​ @mrsmazzello​ @cubedtriangle​ @haileymorelikestupid​ @misscharlottelee​ @nevilles-insinuations​ @jovialcreatorkidtoad​ @brianmaysclog​ @sambuckywarrior​ @hey-yo-bedussey​ @bubblyanis​ @lifesciencesbois​ @elektraofcrete​ @diosanaz​ @bbdoyouloveme @kirstansworld​ @okilover02​ @cardboardbenmazzello​ @dreashappyworld​ @juliarose21​ @simonedk​ @greycuby​ @emmasunshiine​ @dinotje​ @qtrogerina​ @spiketacus​ @nympha-door-a​ @local-troubled-writer​ @emphatic-af​ @wh0a-thisisheavy​ @lustgardn​ @banginashton​ 

--

When you’re fifteen, you have your first kiss on stage with a boy named Andrew; he’s a year older than you, has been in more shows than you, and has a boyfriend, Jamie, though they both seem entirely endeared by you. You buy each other flowers on opening night, after becoming fast friends in rehearsals. 

It’s your first lead role on stage, though you’ve been in a few commercials in past year, and had callbacks for a bit part in two different TV shows that ended up going to someone else. Since expressing interest in pursuing acting as a career, your parents had been nothing but supportive, their only stipulation that you still need to finish high school. So between school and auditions and rehearsals, you don’t have much time for crushes; sure there’s a boy in the ensemble, who you’re pretty sure is named Ashton, with fluffy blonde hair, and eyes that look green at the right angle, but he also lives off of Monster energy drink. He may be pretty, but he’s got the personality of a damp rock.

But he’s not your first kiss, Andrew is.

“You know Ashton’s got three braincells in total, right?” Andrew’s laying on the floor of your dressing room, makeup done, costume half on, watching in the mirror as you apply your foundation, “what do you see in him?”

“Him-” you started, but Andrew groaned loudly.

“Himbos need to respect women, Y/N, Ashton is not a himbo,” though at his exasperation, you can’t help but be amused.

“He’s pretty,” is all you can manage in your own defence, wearing a sheepish little smile, and Andrew wrinkles his nose. His phone goes off and he checks the message.

“Jamie’s almost here,” he told you with a slight smile, and you two share a fond smile. Jamie comes baring iced drinks and you both praise him as your lord and saviour. 

“Do you think Ashton’s cute?” Andrew asks as he’s eating the whipped cream from the top of his iced coffee.

“Is this a test?” Jamie replies, wearing the slightest frown, but Andrew shakes his head.

“Y/N thinks he’s cute, even though he’s always three beats behind -”

“Whether or not he can dance doesn’t effect how he looks!” You argued, and Andrew raised his nose in the air defiantly.

“It does to me,” but then he’s grinning, turning to gaze to Jamie, who’s deliberating and swirling his peach iced tea with a faintly fond smile.

“The blonde one playing the jock?” 

“That’s him,” Andrew confirms, and Jamie hums.

“He looks like acid wash jeans.”

A confused silence follows.

“What does that mean?” You frown, but as Andrew considers it, he comes to agree, “okay, but do you think he’s cute?”

“He’s perfectly conventionally attractive,” Jamie finally settles on, “but not my type.” And he gives Andrew a coy smile, knocking their shoulders together, they’re painfully endearing, but Jamie’s brought up a thought that you hadn’t wanted to consider. 

When had your type become pretty, blonde boys?

Your answer comes less than three days later, on closing night, your mother’s watching TV before she drives you to the theatre. It’s Eastenders, a soap opera you know from your mother’s fanaticism with it, aware only of it’s longevity and it’s sometimes outlandish moments.

“Y/N, come in here a moment,” you mother calls, “they’ve recast Peter.”

“You know I don’t know who that is,” you tell her with gentle exasperation, but obligingly join her in the living room.

“What was the name of your old babysitter?” You mother’s squinting at the screen, watching a pretty blonde boy you think you recognise talking to a girl who you’re pretty sure is one of the leads.

“Maddy?”

“No, the boy who helped out when Maddy wasn’t available,” and you follow your mother’s gaze to the television, heart beating in your throat as you realise why she’s asking.

“Ben -?” You say, as if you haven’t committed his name to your memory.

“Ben!” She announces with a clap, getting to her feet with enthusiasm, “doesn’t the new Peter look remarkably like him?” She asked, getting as close to the TV as possible, looking a little eerie in it’s glow.

“I think that is him,” you say, throat going dry, and your mother goes quiet.

“No,” she says softly with a frown, “you think so? Really?” And you’re already pulling out your phone and checking IMDB.

“Ben Hardy,” you confirmed with a nod, trying not to let it show how much this information had left you shaken. 

“But -” your mother turns to you, “he’s Keith and Ange’s kid; Hardy? That’s not...?” 

“I dunno, mum, maybe he changed his name, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same person.”

“He was always such a lovely kid,” she mused, “you used to love spending time with him,” she sighed wistfully, and you contemplate how long it would take you to just walk to the theater, which you’d much prefer to having to listen to your mother waxing poetic about how successful your first crush had become. But you decide it’s not worth it, and thankfully she doesn’t mention it much in the car. 

“Andy I’m in distress,” you bemoan your costar the moment you step into hair and makeup that night. Andrew struggles not to smile as the makeup assistant is applying his contour. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks after she steps back, and you spin in your chair to face him while the head of the makeup team was collecting everything she’d need for your look.

“I know why I like Ashton,” you admitted, and Andrew raised an eyebrow in silent question. The makeup assistant paused, giving a playful ‘ooh’ to the announcement. As the leads, the pair of you had been called early to make sure you were all ready for the show before the rush of ensemble members were getting into hair and makeup, so you were the only two cast members around, and felt safe discussing this so openly. The crew were old enough to know not to gossip with the cast.

“So it turns out my type is just this one dude who used to babysit me back when I was like, twelve,” you grumble, and turn back to face the mirror at the makeup artist’s insistence.

“And what made you realize this?” Andrew prompted diligently.

“Because I saw him on TV,” you sighed, closing your eyes as your makeup routine began. But there was silence all around, and someone cleared their throat awkwardly.

“Like on the news?” The makeup assistant asked tentatively.

“No, like on Eastenders,” you sighed; they weren’t quite sure if you were joking or not, “he went to my high school, graduated like two years ago.”

“Seriously?!” Andrew marveled, and you confirmed with a heavy sigh, “so why are you distressed?”

“Because I was perfectly happy forgetting about my stupid, twelve-year-old crush on him, but now he’s on my mum’s favourite soap,” and you groaned in defeat, “which I’m now probably going to get invested in; it’s like a celebrity crush but worse.” You paused, “Andy, he let me win at videogames and gave me acting advice; I still think about him sometimes.”

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed, “I don’t usually know my celebrity crushes personally,” it was clear he was both trying to be supportive, and trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all. 

“It’s going to kill me,” you said with an air of resignation. 

“What’s his name?”

“Ben Hardy,” there was a pause after your words, and the telltale noise of typing on a phone, and then Andrew made a noise of approval.

“He’s mad fit.”

“I know,” you agreed with a whine, to which your costar snorted a laugh.

“You’ll be okay, I promise,” he assured, and clicked his phone off, settling back in his chair as his hat for the show was brought over and pinned in place, “and I can see why you fancy Ashton now.”

“Ashton doesn’t hold a candle to Ben- damn you Eastenders!” You moaned, playing up your distress for the amusement of the others in the room, which you appreciated, but it’s all you said on the topic for the night, though it barely leaves your mind when you’re not on stage.

At the afterparty, you learn that Ashton kisses with too much tongue, and tastes like grape vape, but he compliments your performance in the show and in the moment, that’s all you really care about. It’s a thoroughly underwhelming experience all in all, but it also manages to feel something like a cathartic release.

You come to a realization, several days later, that you’d never thought you’d have; it’s incredibly difficult to watch Eastenders online, legally or illegally it doesn’t matter, because the legal site costs money which you don’t want to spend, and no-one’s put up the entire series illegally. You can find episodes here and there, but they are one-offs from anywhere between 2005 and now, and no-one’s got the newest episodes anyways.

There’s barely an Eastenders fandom online, a thought you’d never imagine having before now, and so you just end up watching it nightly with you mother, when you can. Except as life gets busier and you’re rehearsing for plays and musicals and eventually, shows, and eventually you’re studying for your GSCEs, and you don’t have time for a soap opera you’re only partially invested in.

You get your big break in the Summer before your A-levels when you score a part in Snowpiercer, so you spend several weeks in Prague, and you’re sharing scenes with Captain Fucking America Chris Evans, and Jamie Bell, and Octavia Spencer –

Oh, you realize faintly as you’re getting your makeup done for the day, I’m becoming someone.

You’re at a critical juncture in your life, in your career, one you’re afraid you haven’t earned your way to, especially not so fast. You have two options; step on the breaks and let someone else get the roles and the life you want, or you can commit to the bit, to the life and reputation you’re building for yourself.

Fall back or follow through.

Snowpiercer earns you the title of One to Watch, and by late 2014, you’re halfway through your final school year, you’ve studios asking you to audition left and right.       In the brief Winter break between terms, you’re called in to audition for a project for Sony, but they couldn’t tell you which. You knew it was a superhero movie, but that’s all.

A month later, only a few days into 2015, you wake up to three missed calls from your agent, thousands of Twitter notifications, approximately twenty texts from your friends. Downstairs, your mother was making breakfast and humming along to the radio, which she only did when she was in a fantastic mood.

It takes all your self control to not look at social media, and instead call your agent back.

He’s got two words for you.

“X-Men Apocalypse.”

You scream.

Next, of course, comes Twitter, which is a mix of supportive and unsurprisingly derisive. Your casting is polarizing, mainly because you haven’t been in a lot of films, and a majority of your work had been in theater; you look the part, but people are skeptical of your talent.

Speaking of the part, you’ll be playing Cassidy Temple, also known as Riot Control, who it turns out is a villain. Not the main villain, they’ve got Oscar Isaac playing Apocalypse himself, and holy shit, you’re going to be working with Oscar Isaac, but apparently you’re the second of the Horsemen to be announced.

Riot Control was a villain from an arc of the same name back in the late 90s, though she’d appeared earlier in Apocalypse’s first comic arc under the name Crowd Control, most notable for being the original Pestilence Horseman, who had a relationship with Archangel, the then-Horseman of Death. After Apocalypse’s death, she retained the power he’d imbued her with, and went on to be the first mutant to fuse with a symbiote, Riot, which is how she’d earned the name Riot Control, and ended up killing Havok; it took the whole X-Men team to take her down, and only then thanks to Jean Grey.

You’d never considered yourself playing a villain, but you couldn’t help but be a little thrilled at the prospect. Looking at images of Cassidy, you can’t help but be a little shocked as to how much she looked like you, right down to the shape of her eyes; the resemblance was uncanny.

At least ten of the twenty texts you’d received from your friends were from Jamie and Andrew, cheering for you and already planning a party. A few friends from school were asking if the announcement was really about you, followed by a ton of excited emojis, and Merissa had left the sweetest voice message, telling you how proud she was of you.

This was big. This was talking with your mother about dropping out of school right before your A-levels, this was talking with Sony about hiring a tutor so you could finish your schooling on-set, this was updating your passport and visa and realizing you’re not just a little kid, playing pretend on stage anymore.

Over the next few days, you’re in meetings with your agent and executives from Sony and Marvel, signing contracts, and attending the kind of blow out party Jamie and Andrew had planned.

“Don’t forget us when you’re all famous,” Jamie, a little tipsy and sentimental, clings to you in the early hours of the morning during the party as it’s winding down, and you’re both half-watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine in the living room of his and Andrew’s little flat.

“I won’t,” you assure him, hugging him tightly back, “I promise.” And he makes a hum of contentment, before announcing that the movie was stupid. It was, but you kind of liked it.

“Jam, don’t hog her!” Merissa announced from the door, and Jamie stuck his tongue out at her; it was a small blessing that your friends from your varying friend groups had managed to get along so well. Merissa crowded you from the other side, squeezing beside you on the sofa and leaning against you, her nose against your cheek.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” you say into the warm silence of the early hours, and Merissa kisses your cheek in an unspoken ‘we’re gonna miss you too’.

“Nah,” Jamie mused, “you’ll be off partying with your cool famous costar friends –“

“You gotta tell me what it’s like to hang out with Sansa Stark!” Merissa enthused, and your heart leapt into your throat.

“What?”

“Yeah,” Jamie said, as if it were common knowledge, “they announced Sophie Turner was going to be playing a young Phoenix right around the time they announced you,” he paused, frowning, “did you not –“

“I read it, but I never… I didn’t put two and two together.” You admitted, and the news has you reeling.

A few moments later, Andrew comes in from the kitchen to remind Jamie that he has work in the morning, and Jamie tells him that he’ll only go to bed if Andrew takes his place hugging you until the movie’s over. Andrew’s smile widens.

“I think I can manage that,” he agrees, and Jamie stands with a yawn, giving Andrew a kiss before instructing him to not let go. You settle in between Andrew and Merissa, and once the movie’s over, Merissa’s asleep on your shoulder, and Andrew murmurs that he can drive you home if you want. The sun’s almost coming up.

“Can you put on Days of Future Past again?” You ask quietly, sheepish and hopeful in equal measure, and Andrew agrees, and gets you a glass of water, and a blanket. When prompted, Merissa wakes enough so that she can shift on the surprisingly spacious sofa, happy enough to cuddle against you when Andrew tucks the blanket around you both.

“Can’t wait until I’m putting on your DVD –“

“I gave you a copy of Snowpiercer,” you told him, and his expression goes soft.

“True,” he agrees, “but I’ve got a good feeling about this next one,” and you think you know what he means. This is big.

“You’re gonna do great, Y/N, you always do.”

Just over a month later, after your contract had been finalized and you were sent the most up-to-date version of the script, you awoke again to a ton of Twitter notifications, and a single text from Andrew.

The text simply read [👀👀👀] and had a link to a Variety article entitled ‘Ben Hardy joins the cast of Apocalypse’.

[flirting-with-psychology]

1. I own a ferret. 2. My best friend is my boyfriend 3. My best friend is a girl 4. I use the word super way too much 5. I am a boy 6. I like My Chemical Romance 7. I own more than 100 CDs 8. I like discussing politics 9. I collect state quarters 10. The Legend of Zelda is my favorite video game. 11. I have Cingular 12. I love MAC makeup 13. I smoke too much 14. I own more than 5 bandanas 15. My favorite movie is Kill Bill 16. I watched Lamb Chop when I was young 17. I have my ears gauged 18. I can do HTML without guidance 19. I watch Spongebob Squarepants regularly. 20. I go to the movies at least once a week 21. I play guitar or bass 22. I love Elvis 23. I’ve had a mo/bi/trihawk before 24. I have met my favorite band 25. I like to hardcore dance 26. Something’s outside my window 27. I believe in ghosts 28. I do drugs regularly 29. I am straightedge 30. My favorite feature about myself is my lips 31. I have never consumed alcohol 32. I want a tattoo. 33. My favorite actor is Will Ferrell. 34. I have seen Conan O'Brien live. 35. I hate MTV 36. I used to watch Cheaters every week 37. I have my own vaccuum 38. Frank Sinatra is awesome 39. I sleep with a stuffed animal 40. I am scared of werewolves 41. I watch hockey regularly 42. I am originally from New York 43. I own an iPod 44. Some people aren’t funny. 45. I hate school. 46. My favorite vegetable is lettuce. 47. Tickle fights are fun. 48. I am currently unemployed. 49. I have my license 50. I hate spelling mistakes 51. I love Spanish class 52. I live in a big city 53. I have been to the Grand Canyon 54. I listen to music to fall asleep 55. I watch TV to fall asleep 56. I only get a few hours of sleep each night 57. I��m relatively innocent. 58. I am a size 3 or smaller 59. I’m bored. 60. Purple is my favorite color. 61. I hate flossing 62. I have a car. 63. I believe in God 64. I’m in love. 65. I used to love Unwritten Law. 66. Reno 911 is my favorite show. 67. There is a mini stapler on my computer desk. 68. Cuddling’s my favorite. 69. For sure. 70. I have a flip phone 71. I love my handwriting 72. I own a Louis Vuitton handbag 73. I want to be an astronaut. 74. I love the song Dragostea Din Tei 75. 50 Cent is not talented 76. I like scanners better than digital cameras. 77. I own at least one Punk-O-Rama CD 78. My room is sound proof. 79. I’m 5'5 or less 80. Lying pisses me off 81. I backstab people. 82. I have been in a fist fight. 83. I have PaintShop Pro. 84. It’s almost midnight 85. My nightlight is cracked 86. I only listen to Dashboard Confessional when I’m sad 87. And I feel like a pansy when I do so 88. I hate metal 89. I’m in a band. 90. Napoleon Dynamite is annoying now. 91. I love hickeys 92. I want to lose weight 93. My favorite channel is the Food Network. 94. I don’t have a CD burner. 95. Pixar is stupid except for the Incredibles 96. I own an apartment/house 97. I am engaged. 98. My computer’s a Gateway. 99. I hate driving. 100. I like watching boys sleep. =========================== 01. I miss someone right now 02. I don’t watch much TV these days 03. I love olives 04. I love sleeping 05. I own lots of books 06. I wear glasses or contact lenses 07. I love to play video games 08. I’ve tried marijuana 09. I’ve watched porn movies 10. I have been in a threesome 11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship 12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy 13. I have acne free skin usually 14. I like and respect Al Sharpton 15. I curse frequently 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year 17. I have a hobby 18. I’ve been told I can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch. 19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me 20. I’m smart 21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones 22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal 23. I hate the rain 24. I’m paranoid at times 25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars. 26. I need money right now! 27. I love Sushi 28. I talk really, really fast sometimes 29. I have fresh breath in the morning 30. I have semi-long hair 31. I have lost money in Las Vegas 32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister 33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. 34. I shave my legs 35. I have a twin 36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past 37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D. 38. I like the way that I look sometimes 39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months 40. I know how to do cornrows 41. I am usually pessimistic 42. I have a lot of mood swings 43. I think prostitution should be legalized 44. I think Britney Spears is hot 45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past 46. I have a hidden talent 47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. 48. I think that I’m popular 49. I am currently single 50. I have kissed someone of the same sex 51. I enjoy talking on the phone 52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants 53. I love to shop. 54. I would rather shop than eat 55. I would classify myself as ghetto. 56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders 57. I’m obsessed with my Livejournal 58. I don’t hate anyone. 59. I’m a pretty good dancer 60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington 61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother 62. I have a cell phone 63. I believe in God/ a higher being. 64. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis 65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months 66. I love drama. 67. I have never been in a real romantic relationship before 68. I’ve rejected someone before 69. I currently have a crush on someone 70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life 71. I want to have children in the future 72. I have changed a diaper before 73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before 74. I bite my nails 75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club 76. I’m not allergic to anything 77. I have a lot to learn 78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger 79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest “Friday” movie 80. I am sometimes shy around the opposite sex 81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message 82. I have at least 5 away messages saved 83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before 84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past 85. I own the “South Park” movie 86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal 87. When I was a kid I played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum 88. I enjoy some country music 90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza 91. I watch soap operas whenever I can 92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist 93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career 94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all 95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s “Children’s Story” 96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy 97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it 98. I have dated a close friend’s ex 99. I’m happy as of this moment 100. I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s  101. I have slapped john dasaro and chris burke in the face..on the same night 102. I haven’t showered in two days… and I like it. 103. i own every f***er here 104. I procrastinate all the time 105. I’m a nerd 106. I LOVE the movie The Wedding Singer. 107. i hate corn. 108. i’ve attended the rocky horror picture show 109. i’ve never seen Bambi the movie 110. Thinking about the future terrifies me 111. Without music there would be no point in living. 112. If I could change one thing about myself I would 113. If someone of the same sex liked me, I would date them. 114. I went to the mall today for 5 hours ================================ Would do Have Done

001. Bought everyone in the pub a drink 002. Swam with wild dolphins 003. Climbed a mountain *004. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive 005. Been inside the Great Pyramid 006. Held a tarantula. *007. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 008. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it. 009. Hugged a tree *010. Done a striptease 011. Bungee jumped *012. Visited Paris 013. Watched a lightning storm at sea *014. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise several times *015. Seen the Northern Lights 016. Gone to a huge sports game 017. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa *018. Grown and eaten your own vegetables *019. Touched an iceberg *020. Slept under the stars 021. Changed a baby’s diaper 022. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon *023. Watched a meteor shower *024. Gotten drunk on champagne *025. Given more than you can afford to charity 026. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 027. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 028. Had a food fight 029. Bet on a winning horse 030. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 031. Asked out a stranger 032. Had a snowball fight 033. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier 034. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can 035. Held a lamb 036. Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one *037. Taken a midnight skinny dip 038. Taken an ice cold bath 039. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar 040. Seen a total eclipse 041. Ridden a roller coaster 042. Hit a home run 043. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days 044. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking *045. Adopted an accent for an entire day 046. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 047. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment *048. Had two hard drives for your computer *049. Visited all 50 states 050. Loved your job for all accounts *051. Taken care of someone who was really sick *052. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 053. Had amazing friends 054. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country *055. Watched wild whales 056. Stolen a sign 057. Backpacked in Europe *058. Taken a road-trip 059. Rock climbing 060. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice *061. Midnight walk on the beach 062. Sky diving *063. Visited Ireland 064. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love 065. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them *066. Visited Japan 067. Bench pressed your own weight 068. Milked a cow 069. Alphabetized your records 070. Pretended to be a superhero 071. Sung karaoke 072. Lounged around in bed all day 073. Protested something you feel strongly against 074. Scuba diving *075. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye 076. Kissed in the rain 077. Played in the mud 078. Played in the rain *079. Gone to a drive-in theater 080. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret *081. Visited the Great Wall of China 082. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog 083. Dropped Windows in favor of something better 084. Started a business 085. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 086. Toured ancient sites 087. Taken a martial arts class 088. Swordfought for the honor of a woman 089. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight *090. Gotten married 091. Been in a movie 092. Crashed a party 093. Loved someone you shouldn’t have *094. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy 095. Gotten divorced 096. Started an office war 097. Gone without food for 5 days 098. Made cookies from scratch 099. Won first prize in a costume contest 100. Ridden a gondola in Venice 101. Gotten a tattoo 102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on 103. Rafted the Snake River 104. Been on television news programs as an “expert" 105. Got flowers for no reason 106. Made out in a public place 107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything 108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug 109. Performed on stage 110. Been to Las Vegas 111. Recorded music 112. Eaten shark *113. Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself *114. Gone to Thailand 115. Seen Siouxsie *116. Bought a house 117. Been in a combat zone 118. Buried one/both of your parents 119. Shaved all of your hair off *120. Been on a cruise ship 121. Spoken more than one language fluently 122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone 123. Bounced a check 124. Performed in theatre 125. Read - and understood - your credit report *126. Raised children 127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy *128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour *129. Created and named your own constellation of stars 130. Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country 131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did 132. Called or written your Congress person 133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over 135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge 136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion 138. Had plastic surgery 139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived 140. Wrote articles for a large publication 141. Lost over 100 pounds 142. Held someone while they were having a flashback 143. Piloted an airplane 144. Petted a stingray 145. Broken someone’s heart 146. Helped an animal give birth 147. Been fired or laid off from a job 148. Won money on a TV game show 149. Broken a bone 150. Killed a human being *151. Gone on an African photo safari 152. Ridden a motorcycle 153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph 154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced 155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol 156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 157. Ridden a horse 158. Had major surgery 159. Ridden on a passenger train 160. Had a snake as a pet 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon 162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours 164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states *165. Visited all 7 continents 166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days 167. Eaten kangaroo meat 168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 169. Been a sperm or egg donor 170. Eaten sushi 171. Had your picture in the newspaper 172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime *173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about 174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 175. Gone back to school 176. Parasailed 177. Changed your name 178. Petted a cockroach 179. Eaten fried green tomatoes 180. Read The Iliad 181. Selected one "important” author who you missed in school, and read 182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them 183. …and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you 184. Taught yourself an art from scratch 185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt *187. Skipped all your school reunions 188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office 190. Written your own computer language 191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream 192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 193. Built your own PC from parts 194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you 195. Had a booth at a street fair 196: Dyed your hair blue 197: Been a DJ 198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal 199: Written your own role playing game 200: Been arrested ====================== 1. I have self-mutilated before. 2. I still love the song Dragostea Din Tei 3. I used to like New Kids on the Block 4. The 80s was funny. 5. I have realtones enabled on my cellular phone. 6. Public bathrooms scare me 7. I have keys on my belt 8. I’m not wearing a belt 9. I hate writing 10. I hate reading 1. I love compilation CDs 12. My favorite teachers have all been guys 13. I think Bad Religion’s only been around for ten or so years 14. I don’t know who Bad Religion is. 15. I don’t wear my hood unless it’s raining 16. I enjoy smaller clubs rather than big ones 17. I’ve put a song on repeat for more than 8 hours 18. I have sound on my computer  19. Someone wants my hiney. 20. My mom loves Elvis 21. I have my own computer 22. I live on the east coast 23. My favorite animal is a kangaroo 24. I’m on vacation 25. I don’t own a pair of ripped jeans 26. I am very insecure somewhat 27. I love to dance 28. I curse way too much. 29. I choose the pansy way and star out my curse words (f*ck) 30. I feel dumb because I was just called a pansy 31. I have a flatscreen computer 32. I collect something. 33. I’m married 34. I won’t date someone who’s smaller than me smaller, as in also shorter? 35. Brass knuckles are the shit. 36. I own a hand puppet 37. I write with blue pens 38. I wear eye makeup almost every day 39. I wish I lived somewhere other than here 40. I don’t own a band shirt. Not yet anyway.. 41. I love techno. 42. I have my nipples pierced 43. I’m shitty at wrapping presents 44. I know someone in the KKK 45. I’m racist/anti-semitist. 46. I don’t know what those mean. 47. I love life most of the time 48. I have posters all over my room 49. I’ve never been a camera whore with someone.. And I want to. 50. I’m halfway done 51. I wish I lived in the 80s 52. I know what the term borgie means 53. I’m interested in social hierarchy. 54. I love music videos. 55. I have a DVD player 56. I’m drunk right now 57. I’m listening to music 58. I have a big screen TV 59. I have an STD 60. I know the singer of the Clash’s name 61. The only IM program I have is AIM 62. I skateboard regularly 63. I live on the north side of town 64. I have been to Alaska 65. I’ve worn a cowboy hat 66. I watch late night infomercials for retarded, unnecessary things 67. I LOVE DOING THE DEATH GROWL TO MY FAVORITE METAL SONGS. 68. That last question was dumb. 69. I know what the word “peligroso” means in English 70. I speak another language fluently 71. I’ve been in a limo 72. I own a bong 73. My lungs hurt 74. I know someone who’s committed suicide 75. I’ve got a six pack and I don’t need you! 76. I know what band sung the above line 77. I like strong boys. 78. I’m sick right now 79. I know someone who’s currently enlisted in the army 80. I do not own a color phone 81. My birthday is in September 82. I hate mall cops 83. I hate most cops in general 84. I’m wearing blush 85. I live in an apartment 86. I’m still in high school. 87. I own something from Victoria’s Secret 88. I don’t know a boy that wears girls pants 89. I’ve had the same best friend since I was 8. 90. Brownies are my favorite 91. So is cake 92. I’ve heard the song “Looks Good in Leather” 93. I own some sort of propaganda, fake or real 94. I deny the Holocaust happened 95. Kisses are my favorite sign of affection 96. I need to charge my phone 97. My purse could pass for a suitcase 98. I take birth control 99. I only buy what’s fashionable

1. I love bolding 2. I know someone named Mimi 3. I hate my old best friend 4. My favorite alcoholic drink is Jack n Coke 5. I have a digital camera 6. I’m talking to at least one person online 7. I like watching college basketball 8. I have never moved. 9. I have at least one cat 10. I have at least one dog 11. I’m going to see a movie tonight maybe 12. I make my own AIM icons 13. I’m in pain 14. I watch more than five shows a day 15. I love the Cure 16. My parents like some of the same music I do 17. I have never been to the dentist 18. I listen to the radio 19. I do my own laundry 20. I’ve made at least one article of clothing 21. I have/want something on my face pierced 22. I go to at least one concert a week 23. I’ve written a story 24. I’ve dyed my hair every color of the rainbow 25. I own a Grand Theft Auto game 26. My favorite pattern is camoflauge 27. I know someone who does/did cocaine 28. I have too many game systems 29. I love scary movies 30. I hate scary movies 31. I’ve had sex more than 5 times 32. My favorite chips are Lays Original 33. I think butter is unhealthy 34. I hate the Osbournes 35. I used to have dreadlocks 36. I need to take medicine for something 37. I suffer from insomnia 38. I speak ebonics 39. I’ve gambled 40. And won 41. I have at least one gay friend 42. I like going to pet stores 43. I own a dog toy 44. And I don’t have a dog 45. I own more than ten candles 46. I’ve smoked a cigarette in the shower before 47. I’ve flunked a class 48. I listen to music every day 49. I have more than one nickname 50. I wear pajamas when I feel like it 51. I’m wearing more than one jewelry item 52. I haven’t washed my hair in a week 53. I watch the Grammy’s every year 54. Along with the Macy’s Parade 55. My favorite season is winter 56. I have seen the All American Rejects live 57. And I’ve enjoyed it. 58. Boobs are nothing special 59. I go swimming at least once a week in summer. 60. I have a pool. 61. I’ve gone skinnydipping 62. I’ve played strip poker 63. And lost 64. I want a nautical star tattoo 65. My cell phone turns off when it’s charging 66. And it pisses me off 67. I used to buy my entire wardrobe from Hot Topic 68. I’ve been to albinoblacksheep.com 69. My favorite subject is History 70. And/or math 71. I am a republican 72. I am a democrat 73. I listen to the Used occasionally 74. I have been to the Warped Tour 75. I am part Mexican 76. I am part German 77. All of my grandparents are still alive. 79. I love bowling 80. I know that there is a South Park, Colorado 81. I love Dairy Queen 82. Sometimes I think I’m crazy 83. I own a Moffatts CD 84. I own a Backstreet Boys CD 85. I want plastic surgery 86. Operation, operation, snip and tie, snip and tie 87. I know what song that line is from 88. I have killed something [bugs!] 89. I’ve never had a Nokia cell phone 90. I’m never sarcastic 91. Light eyes turn me on 92. I have never been to a foreign country 93. I don’t eat enough 94. I own illegal weaponry 95. I know someone who has overdosed on something 96. And lived to tell about it 97. I don’t own a pair of mittens 98. I love the heat 99. I’ve never had a steady boyfriend/gf 100. I want to makeout.

[realchemistry]

Jamie Johnson BAFTA Q&A Full transcript

14:02:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Good evening, everyone and welcome to this special BAFTA event as part of Pride Month. I'm Alex Kay-Jelski. I'm the editor in chief of the athletic and I'm going to be moderating a discussion of Jamie Johnson, Tackling Issues Head On.

14:03:09 I'm sure you have seen the incredible episodes that have been airing recently and before we have a great discussion with your panelists. I have bits of housekeeping. Live captioning is available if needed on this, click the option at the bottom of your Zoom panel. Also, we will be taking questions later, because we want to answer your big queries, but to do that, use the Q&A button at the bottom. We will not see you on the chat function.

14:03:44 I will give you a five minute warning to get the questions in and we will get in as many as we can in the next hour. So here we are, Jamie Johnson, what an incredible, incredible few episodes as we saw Dillon comes to terms or start to terms with his sexuality and being gay and coming out in a time of him being a starring footballer and how difficult that was for hill.

14:04:17 I think in a world where a lot of people feel comfortable going to football grounds, not like anyone is allowed at football grounds right now, unfortunately. With people coming to terms with who they are, trying to speak to their family about it, trying to speak to their friends about it. Really moving, fantastic drama.

14:04:39 We're going to talk to the key people and try to explain why it is so important and what effect it had and will continue to have. So I will stop prattling on because you are probably bored of hearing from me because there are far more interesting people to hear from.

14:04:58 We have Shaun Duggan the lead writer on Jamie Johnson. He has been BAFTA nominated alongside of Jimmy from the accused and he is famous for righting the lesbian kiss in brook side. I'm old enough to remember that.

14:05:33 Next, we have actors Laquarn Lewis and Patrick Ward, so hello to you two. We have Cheryl Taylor. Cheryl is the head of content of BBC Children and she commissioned Jamie Johnson and all of the BBC content, that is hard to say when you say it quickly for television and online.

14:06:03 For now, we have Hugo Scheckter who is the head of Player Care of West Ham United. Later, we have an extra because we're going to be joined by the executive producer Anita Burgess who produces Jamie Johnson for BBC. Lots of people with lots of things to say. We should get started, shouldn't we?

14:06:32 I'm going to talk to Shaun first, because I think you're the best persons to answer this question. Jamie Johnson has always been a huge success, we're in series five now, great ratings, lots of interest, telling really, really important stories that reflect sort of the lives of children and teenagers. Why do you think the show has been so popular and why does it engage this audience so well?

14:07:07 >> Shaun Duggan: I think for what you have said and from the outset, we wanted to tell a show that felt very real and reflect the lives of our young audience and not patronize or condescend them. My background is working on soap operas and other stuff and this was rarely the first big show I worked on in children's drama.

14:07:40 I have to say, I didn't approach it any differently. I approached it in the same way as I would an adult drama. Obviously, there are things you have to be careful of in terms of language, but in terms of thinking of challenge in story, thinking about what reflects the young audience as lives, what is important to them and just in terms and I'm sure we'll talk more later about how the whole Dillon story came about.

14:08:08 If I could say from a personal experience, when I was younger, I could I've with the show because I'm football mad, working-class background, I remember my dad carrying me over the turnstiles and slipping the man some cash and all I wanted to do was play football in the street and that is why I was obsessed with going to every game I could.

14:08:39 Then I got to about 11 and things changed because suddenly all I play football with didn't want to be my friend anymore and people started saying I was gay, queer, in the 80'S, I did not know what these things were. It I just knew I was something bad and something to be ashamed of and things got worse where I was not welcome to play football anymore.

14:09:14 People turned their backs on me and all through senior school, for me personally, I had a hellish experience. I left school without any qualifications and not just talking verbal bullying, I'm talking getting beaten up most days, so school became about survival. I couldn't turn to the teachers. You were not allowed to talk about gay issue, I couldn't go  home and tell my own family.

14:10:04 They were homophobic, not homophobic in a bad way, but we didn't know and I know firsthand how isolating and lonely, you know that is to be a young, gay person. I know things have changed to a degree, but in terms of education these things aren't talked enough within school, so to get this opportunity to tell a story like this in children's drama, I have to say a massive thank you to Cheryl and everyone at CBBC. If they don't support it and go along with it, then it wouldn't happen.

14:10:31 I have to say I found it very emotional seeing these stories going out on screen last week, not only that but everything around it, the support on news, the presenters after they talked to the audience and it is OK to be yourself and it made me proud to be a part of it and how far we have come.

14:10:46 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Do you think producing a show like this plays a role a little bit, a small role in helping the next generation of kids who are growing up, teenagers who are coming to terms with who they are, they don't have to go through what you have gone through.

14:11:24 >> Shaun Duggan: Absolutely, it is all cliche really, but if people say, if we telling this story, we can help one person not to feel -- let them know they are not on their own it is really worth doing. You mentioned at the intro, I did the lesbian kiss, which is almost 30 years ago now, but to this day, people who are in their 50s or whatever will approach me and when I meet them and you can tell people are in isolated communities with a traditional family.

14:11:34 The impact of seeing that story line on screen and making it feel less alone and that is so powerful.

14:11:54 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Cheryl, does the BBC have a role to play in that sense in trying to reassure people like this program does and let them know they are not alone? How important is it when you're choosing which programs to put on air does that come into play?

14:12:31 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks, Alex. It is really important to us.  Obviously, as a public service board, we are there to inform and to entertain and I think we want the children who are watching our shows to feel good about themselves and feel informed. I think it is key. It sets us apart from other broadcasters and listening to Shaun there, such a powerful story that he has told, not just on Jamie Johnson, but to us here this evening.

14:13:02 I think, I don't know how old Shaun is, but he looks younger than someone who wrote brookside 30 years ago. When I was the age of Patrick and Laquarn, I would not have had any role models and it is fantastic that people are able to write these important stories and we very much want to reflect them.

14:13:31 I have to point out it takes a special kind of writer and special performer to achieve what Jamie Johnson has achieved and the whole production team as well. A lot of people have talked about authenticity at the moment and to hear Shaun talk about the story that has woven into a football series.

14:14:06 Jamie Johnson has been around for a long time and to artfully weave that story, in a sense, I don't think any of the fans or viewers would have felt in a sense they were being preached at or lectured, which I think is amazing. I think Patrick has taken us through Dillon's journey in a way that Shaun has given us the story, a coming of age story, someone finding his identity and that is something all kids will be going through. They will all be looking for signals and for help.

14:14:42 It is hard being a kid and hard growing up, so you know, absolutely, I think the BBC is the platform for this type of story, but fair play to these guys. They told it beautifully. I was seeing the comments on Patrick and Laquarn's Insta and there are people saying this is amazing and this is great to seeing this happen. People have written, what an amazing episode of Jamie Johnson. It is such a valuable series.

14:14:49 I'm grateful to Shaun and all of the team for telling the story so beautifully.

14:15:12 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun, how do you write for a teenage and child audience? How do you get insides of the heads of teenagers and people of that age and make it relevant to them? As been mentioned in this call already, you are not a teenager anymore.

14:15:44 >> Shaun Duggan: No, but I thank Cheryl for the comments they am older than you might realize. I have lots of nieces, nephew, firstly, we have all been teenagers so I have been there. But I have nieces and nephews and so many of my friends' children love Jamie Johnson. In the past, for example, I tried to incorporate stories being relevant.

14:15:58 We had Dillon being diabetic in an earlier series because my friend's daughter was diagnosed with type I diabetes and that is where the idea came from, so you draw from all of those experiences.

14:16:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, do you remember the day they came to you with the idea of this story line and how did that feel? It is quite a responsibility, I guess.

14:16:41 >> Patrick Ward: Sure, I do remember the day, actually, before every series, I would meet with Shaun and Anita and talk about the next year and this idea was brought forward. To be honest, while a lot of people may see it as being a surprise, when you look back over Dillon's journey, it made a lot of sense and as playing Dillon, it felt organic and needed in society as well.

14:16:56 Yeah, definitely, I think that is really important as well, I have younger brothers and sisters who fancy the star and to see their response and other people, it has been brilliant.

14:17:20 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How many barriers do you think there are to breakdown? For example, hopefully, this makes a lot of people feel more comfortable and better about themselves, but realistically, when you went and told your friends about this twist in Dillon's character, were you nervous about the response that you would get? Has that been positive?

14:17:42 >> Patrick Ward: I suppose you are nervous, for me especially with negative feedback, it is more kind of, like what Shaun was talk about earlier, it shows that it is perform that we're doing this story line. When you see negative feedback, which is not a lot of it to be fair, most of it is positive, but I think it is important.

14:18:03 People around me responded very well and my family was very supportive and is very forward thinking. I was proud to be doing it and I didn't care what other people had to say about it negative thinking, because I'm honored to be a part of it.

14:18:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, how did you feel that? Do you think Jamie Johnson has a unique way of telling a story like this?

14:18:45 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, I think it is unique in terms of the way he told the story, because any story can educate people on coming out and finding your own sexuality, but Jamie Johnson has done this through an industry which seems to be gay in football, especially and they tackled this on one of their main characters and followed the journey of his homophobic past with himself, his younger brother and dad.

14:19:16 He was only sharing the homophobic because that is what he was used to around his family and maybe his football team, you know, so the fact he had to hold it in for so long and hide who he is because of his passion for football. Jamie Johnson told an amazing story and did an amazing job of getting it across and you can be who you want to be no matter what your dreams are.

14:19:49 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think it is great that he was not playing into people's stereotypes as well. Some people like to think what they know what a gay person looks like, talks like, walks like, right, Dillon did not fit the stereotypes. Hugo, I don't know if you had the same thing, but when I came out, a lot of people were like, oh, we didn't see that coming necessarily, which is fine but you wish they had known it was coming because it was less of a surprise.

14:20:06 I think the fact that Dillon was not what some people would expect is a great thing for the audience because it makes them think about their own assumptions and prejudices, if you don't mind.

14:20:31 >> Shaun Duggan: I hope you don't mind me jumping, in but it made the story more interesting. The audience had these expectations of Dillon that someone like him wouldn't be gay, so therefore, that makes it more challenging.

14:20:48 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Yeah, absolutely. Did you, Patrick, Laquarn get involved in the story line or were you good boys and did what you were told?

14:21:07 >> Patrick Ward: Well, we rehearsed beforehand, actually in this house, in the next room. Laquarn came with someone we have known for a long time and rehearsed this kind of thing. I think it is very important as well.

14:21:42 >> Laquarn Lewis: He made us do games where we had to get to know each other really well before we shoot the scenes, so the story that we were telling was truthful. We had to do this one task and we had to look at each other and we couldn't smile and we had to keep pushing each other. He did so many games to get us on to a level where our relationship outside of acting could really like grow for our onset acting and I think that helped a lot.

14:22:10 >> Patrick Ward: I was going to say it is interesting because if you look at Dillon when he meets Elliot, it is like when he first sees him. It is like there is something that goes on insides of his brain. He doesn't understand what it is, but there is something and it is new and it happens very quickly, so I think it is important that me and Laquarn were able to understand each other as people and actors beforehand, definitely.

14:22:28 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Absolutely. We touched on this is a little, Cheryl, but outside of this show, generally, do you feel the BBC has a responsibility to put forward stories that represent underrepresented parts of audiences?

14:23:08 >> Cheryl Taylor: Yes, I was just thinking there when Shaun was talking about Patrick having diabetes just using Jamie Johnson as an example and this is one example of one of many, many dramas that we do. The different storylines that people judge as mainly football drama. We covered Jamie's family and kids looking after sick parents, so young carers, we had the homophobia, we had bullying. Just in that one series, you have a set of writers and producers and commissioners

14:23:50 Who intend to broaden the scope to be as inclusive and relevant as many kids as possible. Someone was talking about we know a lot of girls watch Jamie Johnson as well, so across the piece, it is important that all of our brands have a broad appeal. I think, I know I sound like I'm heaping praise on these wonderful creators but because I think they deserve it in this one drama. Secret life of boys, all of these shows on the surface, you can say this is a comedy, this is a drama.

14:24:19 Under beneath of that, every episode addresses these issues and reflects many of the audience's lives as many as possible and giving them tools and strategies to manage their own lives. I do think suggest a scale and a specialty skill and I don't think anyone watching the show would argue that they have done it incredibly well. It is very important.

14:24:44 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is it, isn't it? We can talk about sport and football and LBGTQ relationships in a minute, but Jamie Johnson, this story line is a show about football largely, but the story line is not about football. You can be any young more than or older person who doesn't have the courage to come out or the opportunity to come out and see that.

14:24:59 Hopefully, be confident and inspired by it. This is not about football, right, either of you, this is show to reach out to a much, much wider audience.

14:25:27 >> Cheryl Taylor: As I say it is about identities, rites of passage, coming of age and the journey that Dillon goes on, especially the extraordinary scene with his dad, for any kid, you know who is thinking about a difficult conversation that they might want to have, that would have been key. That would have been crucial and the fact that he goes to speak to Jamie. He reaches out to his friends and gets advice.

14:25:51 That is where the beauty of having Elliot there who has gone through this before, who has to some degree come to terms with his identity and that gives lots of information, lots of hope, useful take out for kids who are watching and feeling uncertainty about their own identity.

14:26:23 >> Shaun Duggan: I think that is, if you don't mind me jumping in again, really important because we established in the story that Dillon's family is homophobic. We ran a story where his little brother was kicked out of the club about making homophobic comments about Ruby's foster parents. We have time to establish that, but it felt important when we brought in Elliot's character that he was coming in from a different place.

14:26:37 He was comfortable in who he was. He says on screen that he had been brought up with gay people, so they had different experiences, but learned from each other's experiences.

14:27:03 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Also for parents, too, right? This is not an easy conversation and not always an expected conversation for parents as well. I think is very hard to know sometimes how to react and how not to react and everyone wants to say they want to be understanding with their children, but some parents may get shocked and surprised and don't react in the most helpful ways.

14:27:13 With that scene in particular with Dillon and his dad is a good thing to pin up on the wall, and go, whatever you do, don't do that.

14:27:39 >> Shaun Duggan: Again, in terms of that is such a powerful scene, very difficult to watch and all of the actors played it so brilliant, but there is quite a pit of the series to go, so although Dillon's dad reacted veried badly, he will have his own journey to go on through the rest of the series.

14:28:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, you sat there patiently and calmly and nodding in the right places, so now you get to talk. Hugo works in west ham. He is in the dressing room with players. He is helping them out. He used to work at Southampton, so he works at various football clubs. He understands football. He is a gay man in football. What did you think watching this and do you think football is a different place than other parts of society?

14:28:56 >> Hugo Scheckter: First of all, it struck me how powerful it was and it was jarring from a kids' TV show. I'm not someone who watched Jamie Johnson on a regular basis before, I don't know if I'm supposed to say that. This was my first expectation of the show, watching cartoons with my nephew. Did not know what to expect, but I thought, wow, this is hard hitting and I was jarred by the whole Dillon and his father's scene.

14:29:24 I think it was absolutely fantastic to highlight that. In terms of football, I think it's a different environment in a lot of ways, but negative and positive. I think a lot of people see football as this horrible, you know, macho, alpha-male environment. The changing room is one of the most diverse groups of people you can meet.

14:30:08 We've got on the team, for example, a guy from the republic of Congress go who is friends with a Scottish guy and a Hawaiian guy and you probably don't see that in society on a general basis. I think seeing the role molls come -- models coming out, but you're seeing it in the lockdown, but allies and I think people have spoken openly and eloquently about the importance of the rainbow campaign or openly gay players or role models.

14:30:42 For me, I was in the closet and I came out about two or three years into Southampton. My job is to look after players and the families and I was trying to get the players to trust me without sharing all of myself. Once I did, the relationship was so much closer and even today at lunch, I had a player ask me about my coming out and how I realized and he talked about how he would react if his kids came out.

14:31:14 That is a conversation that you would not expect to be in a changing room or a club and the amount of discussions we had about LBGTQ issues or trans issues, I'm not shaggymane expert, but I'm a resource and I think it is hugely encouraging and it means they are inquisitive people. I think they get a bad rap and I'm 100% sure who came out would be fully accepted in the change room.

14:31:44 Players want you to be a good person and a good player and if you can 10 us stay in the league or other teams' cases, higher up in the league, that is all that matters. It does not matter who you are or what you do in your free time, what religion you are or sexual orientation, it does not matter as long as you're a good person or a good player. I think football gets a worse rap than it deserves at times.

14:32:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I would counter it to be the awkward person to say going to football is the only place I would not hold my husband's hand in public. It is one thing to know what it is like in the dressing room and that is fascinating, it is another thing to walk into a football stadium and the atmosphere and the words that you hear there, whether it is racist stuff, homophobic stuff, football as a sport has a long, long way to go percent. Sports has a long way to go. There are not out

14:32:59 Is not a great place. You say it was Dillon's line in the episode, there is no out -- no out footballer in this country, how can I sort of come out and be successful and that is the crux of that is a big part of the episode, isn't it? It is a really complex question because the worst thing that can happen people endlessly talking about it and the witchhunt of we need gay footballs. Who is the gay footballer?

14:33:14 I think the narrative needs to be a welcoming environment so people feel comfortable and that may take another generation's time.

14:33:53 >> Hugo Scheckter: There are gay women footballers in the west ham. You know what, yeah, I can talk to my experience in the changing room. To be honest, I go to every game we play and I don't hear the negativity. I think there is a lot of discussion in football about this banter and from an outsider's point of view, especially in the change room, it can be seen as negative. The way I felt was the players did not joke about anything, whether it was my sexuality or whatever else,

14:34:20 My hair, my weight, or whatever it is, that means they accept me. If it is like, don't talk about gay stuff that is like they don't accept me. I had players saying can I make a gay joke to you and I say as long as you make it to my face and prepare for me to come back at you and I think that is a little bit of a difference in football environment where other industries it would not be acceptable.

14:34:46 At the end of the day, we are focused of doing one thing, which is winning matches and we have a match tomorrow. We're all focused on that we're not worried about what everyone is doing around that. We're worried about everything is doing everything they can to beat Chelsea or get a point at this point, but it is important that we work together for that one goal.

14:35:06 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Just a quick, not warning as such, advisory, that we will probably start the questions in a few minutes. I can see there are few in there. If you want to ask these lovely, almost interesting people questions, make sure you get them so we can make you as happy as possible.

14:35:18 What is acting like in comparison, Laquarn, Patrick, do you feel that is a welcoming environment for people to be themselves?

14:35:54 >> Laquarn Lewis: Well, I feel like it. Yeah, there is, but there is a lot of discrimination in the acting industry, it is not just football. I feel like, especially with type casting that is very hard in the industry, because if you act or look a certain way then it is most likely you're going to get put for this same character over and over again. It is good to just play something different to yourself and get that opportunity.

14:36:07 It is getting better in the industry, but like I said, I'm happy to play whatever, especially this role right here, because I'm helping so many people, so I'm -- thank you, yeah.

14:36:13 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Have you had people get in touch with you to say it has helped?

14:36:17 >> Laquarn Lewis: You can do this one, Patrick.

14:36:49 >> Patrick Ward: Yeah, yeah, definitely, it has been mostly positive and that is the benefit thing for me is seeing people with a message saying this has helped me come to terms with this or this helped me speak about this and that is all we're trying to achieve and just I'm proud watching the episode because everyone did such a good job. It has been fantastic and see how people have responded in a good way.

14:36:57 There has been some negativity, but a lot of people have taken it positive.

14:37:18 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: One person who is in a great position to explain a little bit more about the reception that this story line has got is Anita. So Anita Burgess, for those who were not here at the beginning of the conversation, Anita. Hello, Anita. Good evening. Nice to see you.

14:37:21 >> Anita Burgess: Hello. Nice to see you, too.

14:37:35 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Anita is the executive producer of the show. You must be absolutely fantastic the repping you have had, I would love to hear from your perspective.

14:38:11 >> Anita Burgess: It has been amazing actually. I'm known as someone who cries a lot and the reception has made me cry a lot even for me. It has been overwhelming. I think as Patrick was saying largely positive. I mean almost entirely positive, the 1% have their other views and that is there and that has to be acknowledged, but I found, I think as what was said, the most moving ones are the positive ones.

14:38:39 People feel for the first time there is something on screen that they recognize themselves in and it helps them and the complements about how the story has been handled and us not talking down to people, that sense of what we're trying to do is empower and educate and get the word out there to help people who are already in this position.

14:38:53 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: How would you not talk down to people? What are things that you can do so it does not come across as patronizing? What are things in your head as a producer to say don't do this?

14:39:30 >> Anita Burgess: We are mindful of the audience and the age they are, so you explain things and make it clear to not -- what you're trying to do is use language that they would understand, but not treat them kind of too young. I think the simplicity of the story comes from truth. It comes from Shaun's experiences.

14:39:44 Making sure the research is as thorough as possible, so we are representing the truth as much as we can, I think it is about that, so don't talk down is just be honest and clear as best we can.

14:40:10 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: That is brilliant. I think it is time we put you to the sharks and answer some questions, really. There are quite a few of them. I'm going to try to do something if I press a button, they might come up on the screen. I'm going to apologize in advance if I get that wrong and someone will tell me if I'm doing this wrong.

14:40:42 So Dillon's storyline has been gripping, someone says. Beautifully written and amazingly active. Lots of compliments. This is best directed to you, Cheryl, of CBC producing a series with younger audiences where being LBGTQ plus being the center of the show? Can you, not target, but get this message to a younger audience?

14:41:13 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thank you for the question. As I was saying earlier, obviously CBC is the preschool channel and we have 6-12, to some degree we're limited to the type of lens we can put on sexuality, obviously, and as I mentioned earlier, a lot around your identity is something that we can explore. It has to be done in a certain way, because we have quite a wide age group.

14:41:47 I think the way this story is played out from 9-12 and above has been perfect, so depending on how someone wrote a story and type of character that they highlighted, I think anything is possible. Our central messages are about tolerance and inclusion and that people should feel OK about being themselves and I think you can get those messages across in many, many different ways, as to say for preschool age.

14:41:54 It would depend on the type of character and how they were portrayed, but essentially, yes, absolutely.

14:41:59 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Since you're talking, you can answer the next question.

14:42:00 >> Cheryl Taylor: Go.

14:42:22 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Shaun might have an opinion as well. How long did it take to develop the idea and were you nervous about it? The person here, he says he produced when Andrew Hayden Smith came out and people were nervous that people like parents would complain. Were you aware of that or, no, we're doing the right thing?

14:42:51 >> Cheryl Taylor: I wasn't nervous, actually, that is partly to do with the team. Again as I mentioned this there are a lot of tricky storylines in Jamie Johnson and our other dramas. Anita, Shaun, everyone is very, very experienced and I knew they would handle it really well and similarly, the commissioning editor, Amy and her team would have explained the storylines with Anita.

14:43:25 That is one part of it and going back to Patrick, Patrick is such a key, key character in Jamie Johnson and he has taken on so many different things, so right from the beginning. I remember Anita telling me Patrick embraced the idea because he felt it was so important. Genuinely, we knew the team, there might have been a few more question marks, but with this team we did not have any anxiety.

14:44:06 Anita and Amy in presentation and talked to the press and introducing it and Patrick introduced it and pushing to news rounds and also on social media kind of making sure there were links there to child life or the other kids that might be watching who were worried and going through new experiences. Across the piece, everyone was so empathetic that it might be a troublesome story line, and they did brilliant work to make sure it was embedded in the right way.

14:44:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Brilliant. Shaun, this one is for you. This person is called anonymous attendee, who I don't think is their real name, how important is it for LBGTQ stories to have a happy ending?

14:44:46 >> Shaun Duggan: Incredibly important, as far as I'm concerned. In the past, we have seen so many examples, you know, where there is a tragic ending and to be honest because that is reflected reality, because it has been in the past incredibly hard to be gay in this country. It was only in the 1960's, it was legal to be gay.

14:45:11 In the 80'S, we had the AIDS epidemic and you couldn't discuss being gay in school, so it is only in the past 20 or so years, we have been on this incredible journey and we are in a position now where we can tell these positive stories that reflect real people's lives.

14:45:31 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I think when you grow up a gay teenager there is a lot of feeling that you won't have all of the things that people laid out for other people. I grew up thinking I'm not going to get married and not have kids and I'm going to be unhappy. Having hope.

14:46:11 >> Shaun Duggan: For me being able to tell it, I talked about being bullied at school. I was 21 before I came out. That ad less scents that most people have, I didn't have. It was stolen from me. It gives me so much hope that young people have the confidence to talk sexuality and build on those.

14:46:45 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I'm being asked by Christopher, how have your peers responded to you playing this role? Obviously, Laquarn, you mentioned discrimination in industry. Have actors been supportive in what you have done? Lincoln people around me like my friends and family and people who watch have really supported me and and there is nothing far from like myself. Elliot is just like myself.

14:47:19 >> Laquarn Lewis: I -- so my friends have always been supportive, but I chose to wait until I left secondary school to tell them what my sexuality was, because I knew in secondary schools, if you are different in any way shape or form whether that is sexuality, disability, you will be brutalized and it is a horrible thing. I already knew I was going to wait until then. I was worried about my friends and what they would think as well.

14:47:46 When I told them, I have never seen such amazing support of people and doing this right now in the show, they have picked me up so much. They said the bravery it takes to be able to be open about your sexuality and then do this and silt just amazing and I thank everyone around me really.

14:47:51 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Patrick, anything to add or is that an impossible act to follow?

14:48:22 >> Patrick Ward: That is summed up perfectly. A different thing for me, this story line, but everybody around me has been very supportive. There are people I know, to be fair, from school or who you see out who haven't -- made comments, but as a reality, for me, you have conversations about this and able to express and I think it has been already.

14:48:43 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Someone sells asking, when you're doing a story line like this, are you given any help or claiming in terms or warnings about how to deal with the response afterwards on social media? It is hard to know what things are going to be like, right?

14:49:12 >> Laquarn Lewis: Yeah, we have had Zoom sessions with Anita and Shaun and BBC, everyone involved in making Jamie Johnson and particularly, this storyline, they have given us guidelines and a draft response to people who are giving us hate and BBC says we don't respond to this. We have been helped really well.

14:49:50 >> Patrick Ward: I think that is spot on that it has been interesting that I have been doing this for quite a while and I remember being 12 and in a room and talking about social media before I had ever been on TV and people saying, this is -- you're going to have this kind of response and this kind of thing and I remember being mind blown. It now a part of reality on how to respond with these things. I have a strict code of conduct with my social media and mostly what we have had ha fantast

14:50:26 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There is one question that has been asked more than anything else, so we're going to save it to the end. We're going to go to a tough one and Shaun and Anita, you are probably best place to ask this. Someone said a line that jumped out to me, I think this is in the scene with Dillon and his dad, you are gay or you're not. Should we be telling people that identities aren't binary?

14:50:52 >> Shaun Duggan: I think with that line, you're writing truthfully from Dillon's dad's perspective. He hasn't got this great understand on of the subject and it is the kind of thing that he might say and not everyone is 100% gay. A lot of people are, a lot of people aren't, a lot of people in the middle.

14:51:32 Dillon is actually trying to tell his dad the truth and his dad is making it as difficult as possible for him, so I think I would rather focus on the positive message and the scenes that we have between Dillon and Elliot, where there was so much positive materials spoken about rather than focusing on Dillon's dad, who at this stage is homophobic and ignorant and a bigot, really.

14:52:05 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: This question is from a teacher and she says if she teaches things about homophobia or transgender issues, she gets parents saying she is trying to make them that way and we hear this quite a lot, right? If you tell people about transgender people, you're going to make them transgender. She is asking, have you had any of that or generally people been a lot lovier?

14:52:38 >> Shaun Duggan: If I could just say from my perspective on that, again, talking about what I was saying earlier, from being born to 12-13, I did not see any gay representation on TV I did not know what gay people were. I still became gay. If you go on that lodge you can, I should be an heterosexual, because I should have been inspired by boys and girls, but I wasn't. I still became gay.

14:52:54 You have to be careful when you have the debates, don't you of just having an open mind. At the end of the day, you know instinctively what you are from an a young age.

14:53:23 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Begs the question, if I watch enough "Game of Thrones" will by a weird person and run around with a spear in my hand?  Not sure how that works. This question is for Cheryl from Miriam. She says in children's media, it can be hard to get certain things to air. With this story line, you had to tweak it or limit it in order for it to get to that stage or were you allowed to be fairly free with it?

14:53:57 >> Cheryl Taylor: Thanks for your question, Miriam. I think that goes back to the one we answered earlier, which was, I think the teams, s Anita and Amy and Shaun were looking at getting the story across in an age appropriate way. We is 6-12, so we need to make sure it is age appropriate.

14:54:38 Generally, there are some things I get exercised about, along with Katherine McAllister and I think pat and Laquarn was mentioning and we talked to her if we worried about a story line. Because this one, series five, coming from Shaun's personal experience and a specialty team, I didn't have any concerns about that.

14:55:12 >> Anita Burgess: Can I jump in as well, because I think it is important that people can understand how the producer coming to the BBC with this story, it wasn't something that we thought oh, we're not going to be able to do that. We knew the team would be very willing to talk to us and they did and we had a very in-depth discussion all the way along the line, they were incrediblably supportive of making sure this is age appropriate and the clarity was there, but the truth was there.

14:55:31 I think all credit it to the BBC if there is a perception that there is something you can't do there, that is not the case. There is always a conversation to be had there and they have been enormously supported right from the start.

14:55:50 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Hugo, young footballers coming through as teenagers, do they get a good education in being open minded? I can't remember how much they are in school and how much they are not at school. How do young sports people get taught how to be open minder?

14:56:17 >> Hugo Scheckter: I don't think we teach them to be open minded, I think we teach them a variety of life skills that leads them to being open minds, which was the idea. They are meeting people that they would not have met through their normal lives and I think that is a positive experience, but we also make sure everything we are doing that is appropriate and talk about the social media guidelines that the actors go through.

14:56:43 We go through the same thing, not only in the things they put out, but what they receive and we have had a number of issues with various comments getting to our players and having to deal with that. I think you can't maybe teach -- you can teach open mindness, but that is not our goal. Our goal is to make well-rounded people who are also excellent footballers.

14:57:06 We haven't seen issues in the any of the clubs I worked with where players are not accepting each other or having problems with each other it. Tends to be they competed on a position, where two goalkeepers competing for one position, but not the personality of the major clashes that happens at younger ages.

14:57:25 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: I reckon apart from the one person who is asking if they can play football with Patrick, we have time for two more questions. Laquarn, Patrick, what have you learned from filming these scenes?

14:57:49 >> Patrick Ward: I think a lot. These are the scenes I was looking forward to the most. When you get the scripts, especially the ones, obviously we rehearsed a lot, but I learned a lot as an actor and I am not able to prescription it very well because it is an organic process and try to embed yourself into it.

14:58:01 I like to think of it being modern and I think you learn a lot from this kind of thing, especially as a new actor.

14:58:04 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, over to you.

14:58:40 >> Laquarn Lewis: I think it is -- it shows a way of how somebody can cope with coming out and how they deal with telling people and stuff and what I have learned from filming this and getting out there to people is, it doesn't have to be someone on the screen. You can be the person in real life to support your friend. All it takes you to ask them if they are OK and they might all of a sudden tell you that or anything.

14:58:55 If you just support people around you then you know it is something to help them that little bit more to be themselves.

14:59:11 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: So the last question of the night, the question that everyone is asking in this Q&A and we have to ask wow getting in trouble, is Elliot coming back? Who is answering that question?

14:59:28 >> Anita Burgess: I guess that is me, isn't it? We're hopeful. Things are in the process at the moment. Things aren't completely finished yet, but we're hopeful to find a way of continuing it somehow.

14:59:33 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: Laquarn, you're in luck. It is a night to celebrate.

14:59:35 >> Anita Burgess: He might not want to.

14:59:37 >> Laquarn Lewis: I would. I would.

15:00:14 >> Alex Kay-Jelski: There you go. It is a job acceptance live on air. Thank you so much all of you for your time, your questions, your excellent answers. I have enjoyed it and I hope you have as well. There are a lot of people struggling out there, as well, if you know them, I recommend the charities, it takes so much work to help people in relation to storylines like this, absolutely massive.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 107 prt 1

107

“Careful! You’ve only just got out of hospital this morning”

Lance rolled his eyes at Keith. He totally hadn’t noticed that at all. He totally hadn’t enjoyed standing in the sun, and feeling the cold wind across his. After a week of tests and monitoring, Lance was sooooo not in a rush to go back to that room again

“I’m fine”

“Here, Let’s get you to the sofa. You should be resting”

Keith looped his arm around his waist as if he thought Lance as some kind of wounded soldier and not 5 weeks pregnant. He was doing so much better for having rested and seen his friends.

They went the half truth. A lie that weighed heavily. Pidge and Hunk had come up with Rieva to see him. Hunk in tears that his best bud had had an accident, Pidge having some not so nice words for not letting them come see him sooner. The first three days all he’d pretty much done was sleep. When Mami came, Keith gave up his position beside him in bed, Lance falling asleep against his mother. When he’d woken again, his Mami was talking to Keith about how he’d been as a child. It was embarrassing. His Mami had come to see him three times, thanks to Coran and Shiro picking her up and dropping her off. Krolia had come by to check on him when he’d sent Keith off to find a decent cup of coffee before VOLTRON wound up burnt to the ground. His friends had come twice. Matt was in tears as he apologised, his, and Rieva’s, scents making Lance’s stomach roll, yet he got to thank both of them which made up for the discomfort. Lance knew he couldn’t put off telling his mother, but Coran wanted to do another ultrasound the following week. Provided things were still okayish, he planned to tell her then. Making her worry needlessly over something they couldn’t control... he didn’t want that, but it was hard not to blurt everything out because she was... she was his guiding light.

Forced to sit on the sofa, Lance patted Kosmo as he climbed into his lap. Keith pulling him off him

“Babe, you’ve got to be careful. You can’t let him climb on you like that”

“Coran wouldn’t have let me out if it wasn’t alright. I feel better. I’m doing better”

They were keeping the baby, but not telling anyone for the time being. He was too tired to tell his Mami, and honestly was avoiding the conversation for now until it’d sunk in

“You still need to take it easy”

“I am. I don’t know how much easier I can take things”

Keith argued that he should take time off work. Lance disagreed. Keith was cranky. Lance stressed. Shiro stepping in to gently pursued Keith that as long as Lance was at VOLTRON he was getting the best care he could. Keith had work throughout the day, suiting Lance fine as it meant cuddles at the end of it. His body was telling him to rest, and he was listening

“Maybe the bed would be better?”

Reaching up, Lance pulled Keith down by his shirt to awkwardly kneel at his level. He didn’t want Keith to leave, still, this wasn’t about him. Keith needed to head to work, the scent of him in the apartment was strong enough to make him feel safe. Pursing his lips, his boyfriend kissed him gently like he’d wanted him to do. Smiling from the kiss, Lance hoped it’d relieved some of Keith’s worries

“Babe, I’m fine. I’ve got the TV and my soap operas to catch up on”

“I should be here”

Lance rolled his eyes again, before kissing Keith

“I’m not going to die from loneliness just because you’ve got to go to work. I’ve got my phone thanks to Rieva, go enjoy being bossed around. I’m just gonna look at some stuff online and watch TV”

“You need to cancel my birthday weekend too”

Lance didn’t want to fight, but that wasn’t happening

“We’re still going”

“You can’t be traipsing across the country side”

“First off, who says “traipsing”. Secondly, I am living for that get away. Coran said if everything stays good, we’ll be able to go. Even if I can’t go, I still want everyone else to have fun”

“But the baby...”

“Isn’t going anywhere if I can help it. I’ll call if anything happens, which it won’t. You’re fussing too much”

“You’re not fussing enough!”

Lance let out a chuckle

“If you’re this bad, I can’t imagine what you’re gonna be like when I pop this baby out. I’m fine, I’ll be fine. You’re only at work until 5, then you’re back home”

“That’s ages”

“Babe, it’s 6 hours”

“Seeeee ages!”

Not for a vampire it wasn’t. But to be without Keith it was. He wasn’t going to be selfish. If it got too much, he’d take himself to bed and sleep until his boyfriend returned

“Time will pass sooner than you think with all your secret Blade work”

“I’d rather be here”

“I know. Look, I won’t even do housework. I’ll be good. Here, bathroom, kitchen or bed. That’s it”

“You’re not supposed to be moving around”

“I’m not going to be running laps of the apartment. Not with this little one to think of. Now give me another kiss”

Keith tried to draw out leaving as long as possible. Lance finding it cute. When his boyfriend finally left, he pulled his phone out as Kosmo jumped up on the sofa for pats. Keith wanted them to work this out together which meant he needed to understand more about what being pregnant entailed so he knew if something was wrong. Having a human baby inside of him, Coran wanted him to graze throughout the day in an attempt to get down as many calories as he could for the little one. Keith had to pick up a few things from the chemist on the way home from work, Lance not reminding him as he seemed sad enough over leaving. His boyfriend was basically an overgrown puppy.

After an hour of reading too much, he dropped his phone at the sound of someone outside the apartment. Kosmo growling, before leaping off the sofa and rushing to the door. Lance felt the need to bolt to safety. To lock himself in Keith’s room. He felt foolish when Shiro unlocked the door. Of course Shiro would be back. He was stuck on night shifts and surveillance, though Lance wasn’t sure if that was related to Honerva or trying to keep the peace. Letting himself in, Shiro went about locking the door again and setting the alarm, before scooping Kosmo up for pats. The hunter jumping as he noticed Lance, Lance flinching momentarily

“Sorry, Lance. I completely forgot you’d be home today. Nice to see you out of that place”

Lance forced himself to relax. Shiro didn’t sound mad. Tired, but not mad. He’d stressed repeatedly that was okay for Lance to stay, but Lance still felt guilty as he couldn’t really contribute anything to the household lest Keith worry

“Hey, Shiro. Uh, how was work?”

“Long. I’m ready for bed. How’s freedom?”

“Better than four white walls... Keith’s made me promise not to do anything”

Shiro chuckled, Kosmo licking at his face as Shiro tried to be out of reach and failed

“I can imagine. Don’t worry about him. He’ll settle down”

“Dude, we both know that’s not true. He doesn’t even want me getting up to use the bathroom”

Keith had to help him use the bathroom more than once thanks to his lack of energy and Lance had felt an all time low over his useless

Shiro chuckled again

“He’s just excited. I’ve already been told I’m not allowed to make your kid lame like me”

A smile formed on the edges of Lance’s lips

“You’re gonna be like the favourite uncle an he’s already jealous. This kid is going to be so confused. A werewolf for uncle. A slightly cursed uncle. A grandmother pushing 90. A hunter for an uncle... I could go on...”

Shiro dropped Kosmo down on the sofa, his fur son giving him a cocky look over his shoulder, before jumping off to trot after Shiro into the kitchen. His love for Lance lost to the slightest chance of a treat from his uncle

“On the plus side I don’t think anyone outside of a royal family has had this much protection. I’m gonna make some coffee, you want one?”

“Nah, I’m good... if you want to watch TV I can move”

“It’s fine. I usually just have it on for background noise until I fall asleep. Besides, I don’t think we’ve been alone like this for a while”

That was true. Keith was like a guard dog when Lance was in VOLTRON’s infirmary

“Not since Keith decided he bitumen needed his skin more than him”

Keith had the scars from the accident. The lighter ones would fade one day, yet Lance would never forget to treasure the darker ones as proof Keith was still alive. His boyfriend a little self conscious, but Lance didn’t mind. Shiro hummed, setting about getting his mug out and his coffee made

“Yeah, that sounds about right. How are you feeling, mother, or is father, to be?”

He wasn’t the first man to be pregnant, though his plumbing was a little unusual

“Father to be. And I know it’s been a week, but it’s still pretty surreal”

“I can’t imagine. I already talked to Keith, and he’s still pretty shocked”

“I don’t blame him. This wasn’t exactly planned”

“Still, it gives you guys hope for the future. I hope we can wrap this case up soon”

That’s be nice. Nice to know Lotor had left and life was returning to normal

“So do I... I know I’m not supposed to be prying, but if you need someone to bounce ideas off, I’m here. Literally. Keith seems pretty keen on me avoiding going home. He really has an issue at the thought of me and stairs”

“I know you couldn’t help it, but you could have been less dramatic about announcing you’re pregnant”

Lance felt himself laugh before he realised his mood had actually picked up. Shiro wasn’t Keith, but having someone in the apartment washed away the loneliness he didn’t know he felt. He’d been so spoilt for attention lately

“Trust me, I would have picked a different time too. Maybe, like, in a few years.... like, when Honerva was dealt with and Keith was in a better place?”

“He’s already in a better place. He worked his arse off for the Blades, and still felt like nothing. Now matter what Adam and I did or said. I’d been with Blades so long that I guess I was used to their...”

Shiro paused as he tried to think of how to word it

“Particular brand of weirdness?”

Shiro snorted, Lance kind of happy he could talk to Shiro like this without pretence or being careful with his words

“Yeah. Pretty much. He’s really come out of his shell”

“He’s still a little anger loaf at heart. He always had it in him”

“He has. Lately he’s come to see that, and as his brother, I’m relieved”

Shiro and Keith were tight. This little one had him wishing he had someone like Shiro

“You’re a good brother to him. I can’t help but be jealous”

“You know what they say, family is what you make it. Blood doesn’t matter when it comes to being there for those you care about”

Lance’s hand drifted to his belly. He didn’t really know why, but rubbing his belly seemed to have some psychosomatic effect on making him feel better

“You okay there?”

Catching Shiro watching, Lance ducked his head

“Yeah. This little one definitely wasn’t planned, I want you to know, I’d never deny Keith access to them, or you. Keith and I are still in the honeymoon phase, despite all that’s happened. Sometimes I can’t help but caught up in all the “what ifs””

“I could say I know what you mean, but I only have a vague idea. Keith was already all grown up when I found him. Things really weren’t great at first”

“How not great are we talking?”

“He stole my car. He eventually came back, but he was so full of anger and confusion. It took a long time to build that trust up”

That actually sounded definitely like something Keith would do. He lashed out something fierce when he was trying to protect himself from developing feelings

“I can’t even imagine. This one has so much love around them already. Shiro, if anything happens, you’ll be there, right?”

“Nothing’s gone to happen. I know what you’re asking, and you don’t need to ask”

“I kind of do. I haven’t told Keith but my anxiety has been pretty whack. Sleeping so much helped keep the thoughts away”

“I’m sure he already knows. He sent me a long list of things I’m not allowed to do or say, and I’m supposed to make sure you eat”

Lance groaned. Food was not his friend. It went down and it came up. At least here he’d have some form of privacy for that bit

“He’s obsessed with that. I don’t think he thought about it when he sentenced me to sitting on the sofa”

“He knows you like Italian, had me pick up some last night. Then he sent me on a chase to find garlic knots too. I know I’ve known you six months now, but I don’t think I can cope with a vampire who eats garlic”

“Which is weirder, that I walk about in the sun, or, that I eat garlic?”

“Definitely the sun. I wasn’t sure you were a vampire to begin with. It’s not like they teach us that vampires are out and about in the sun”

“Coran says it’s because I turned so young. Then again, we don’t really go up in flames until after the third degree burns”

“Did he say anything about the baby?”

“They should be human from what I understand. Lotor already seems to know I’m pregnant. Keith says I’m being paranoid”

The more he thought about the more he was certain Lotor knew, and this body knew too. That’d by why he’d subconsciously tried to protect his belly

“Maybe we can throw Lotor out in the sun?”

Lance laughed again. How he wished

“I don’t think Allura would be too happy. She’s already mad he’s being so useless”

Bringing his cup of coffee over, Lance tried not to smell it. He didn’t know what it was about the scent... it just made him feel gross. Sitting down, Shiro put his feet up on the coffee table, Kosmo half sat on for not moving. It was now a battle of wills

“They used to date, from the sound of it?”

“Yeah. Long before I was born. They were closer thanks to Honerva and the whole fae thing. Then he kicked her heart to the curb by leaving. He didn’t cheat on her. I thought that was it, but it was him making all these plans to leave then leaving without telling her. She’s not so quick to forgive. She’s really making Lotor work for her time”

“Good on her. I did worry she’d let her past feelings sweep her away”

“They did... kind of. She’s kind of a bit like Keith. Really good at not forgiving and forgetting. Not that that’s a bad thing. The pain fucking sucks”

“You know what else sucks? Kosmo. Move it buster, off!”

Kosmo crawled into Lance’s lap, ignoring Shiro telling him to get off. The doggo shooting Shiro a wounded glance as he made himself comfortable on Lance

“Kosmo, off!”

Huffing sadly, Kosmo stood right on Lance’s junk before using him to jump. Lance groaning as he drew his knees up

“Paw to the junk?”

Shiro asked sympathetically, Lance nodding

“He’s best boy, but those paws are no joke”

“He’s good for finding the wrong places to stand. Managed to do it to me and Curtis once...”

“Ugh. I feel your pain. Keith’s been trying to keep him off me. He thinks Kosmo’s going to hurt the baby”

“Kosmo is boisterous”

“Kosmo is best boy, living his best life. Keith brought him to visit and he ended up getting into the cupboards. I think he had the time of his doggy life messing up the room”

“I bet that went well with Keith”

“I slept. Angry Keith can be scary”

“That he can. At least he wasn’t throwing knives”

“This is true. Do you want the remote?”

“Nah. It’s fine. Curtis had been trying to get me into soap operas”

“That’d be my fault. I thought he’d be here”

He missed Curtis. Maybe in some way Curtis was kind of like the cousin he’d lied and said he was. His bluntness wasn’t always comforting, but at least he didn’t hide things

“Matt and him have been hanging out with Sam a lot lately. Whatever the deal with his curse is, it gave Sam some pretty interesting readings”

“Appliances don’t seem Curtis friendly”

“Nope. Keith’s banned him from going near the coffee machine”

“I’m not surprised. These days I’m more surprised when he finds a way to function before coffee”

“You should see him after a mission. He has to have his coffee or he’s a moody bastard”

Lance laughed, he knew that too well

“Yeah. He tells me about it in chat, or calls if it’s around 6 because he knows I usually get up then”

“You’ve got him trained”

A blush appeared in Lance’s cheeks. He could always count on Keith to message him. Now he was thinking about him solely, he really missed him, a small whine escaping before he could stop himself

“What was that?”

“Apparently I do that. I’m putting it down to this whole breeder thing... it kind of happens”

“Because you’re missing Keith?”

“Pretty much”

“I’m not Keith, but if you need a hug...”

Lance very shyly leaned against Shiro who sling his arm over his shoulders

“I’m sorry. He’s spoilt me so much that I feel a little lost when he’s not here”

“You don’t have to explain, kiddo. You’re going through a lot right now”

“I’m freaking the fuck out internally”

“I would be too. But you’ll get through this”

“Yeah... yeah, I know. I want to tell Mami, but I decided to wait until the ultrasound next week”

“You miss her, don’t you?”

“Especially right now. She... she protected me so much growing up. My family say I leach off her... but when I was making enough money, the first thing I did was get us a better house and I never wanted her to go into a home”

“If you want to bring her here, I understand”

“Thanks, but this is your home. It’s like I tried to explain to Keith. You and he need a place you know is safe. Mami doesn’t mean to talk but sometimes it comes out. I don’t want to put you guys in danger”

Shiro ruffled his hair

“It makes helping you hard. I’ve always respected that you respect the people around you. I never should have been so harsh on you when I came back”

“You had a lot going on. You didn’t know how Keith was going to be and you left your whole life behind to come here. You lost a lot thanks fo vampires...”

Still, it felt nice to have Shiro apologise properly. He didn’t blame Shiro at all for worrying over Keith

“Things got really rough after Adam. Keith blamed himself for so long. I should have talked him sooner than I did, but I didn’t... I wasn’t there yet”

“Sometimes it’s like that. Adam was important to you. Plus, your brother doesn’t always phrase things right. It took you to point it out for us to realise he didn’t have a heart condition but a crush”

“Don’t remind me. I swear every grey I have is because of him”

“If you think that’s bad, try looking like a teenager. I’m sick of it”

“Some vampires do seem to age”

“Yeah, I’m still a baby vampire really. I’ve got to be pushing like a century. Then again, look at Lotor. He’s old as fuck and prances around like a college jock-strap wanker”

Shiro chuckled

“I don’t think anyone has ever called him that before”

“If you can’t tell, I have pretty strong opinions on vampires”

“Oh, I can tell. Are you sure you don’t want anything to drink?”

“I’m alright. If I fall asleep, just leave me here. I’ve got most of my strength back, but I still feel really drained”

“Emotional stress will do that. Besides, not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty sure I could lift you up”

“Dude, I’ve totally put muscle on”

“Sure you have”

Lance pouted. His ego annoyed. He’d never been in better shape, other than being fatigued and pregnant. He’d never worked out as much as he had over the last few months, and though undead. He was sure he fitter than ever

“I totally have. And I’ve trained with Matt, Curtis, Keith, and Lotor. I’m deceptively heavy”

“And still Keith manages to carry you around”

Keith made it look easy and it wasn’t fair. His boyfriend wasn’t a muscle meat head, instead he was like deceptively strong

“Is this a sibling rival thing? Who can pick up and carry the vampire around?”

“Maybe?”

Lance groaned at him. He didn’t want to be in the middle of that particular fight

“Please don’t pick me up and carry me around. Let me pretend I’m tough and manly”

“You’re a tuff and manly twig”

Ouch... His gremlin would have laughed herself stupid if she’d heard

“Now you sound like Pidge”

“She’s a smart one. Nah, you’re fine the way you are. I won’t move you if you don’t want to be, but if you need help, let me know”

“Thanks, Shiro. Honestly I’m zonked, but I don’t know if I’m gonna freak out being moved. I don’t want to risk it”

“Alright. Now, what the hell is going on in this show?”

*

Keith was flustered as he left work. Krolia had pulled him aside to ask if he was okay, Keith knew she was trying to ask if he’d read her letter yet. He hadn’t, then he’d been snappy towards her without meaning to. His mother kind of seemed like a different person these days. More human and more approachable... and that had him thinking maybe he’d been unfair to her for a while now. It took Lance getting pregnant to actually fucking get it. He’d never leave Lance like she had, but if he had to live in constant fear of bringing home werewolves or vampires on his tail, he could see how not going home was an option he might be forced to entertain. His dad hadn’t been a loner. Stray feelings of his dad having friends lingered then disappeared when he tried to focus. Maybe if his dad had had friends like his and Lance’s... No. Going down that road only brought up the pain of the past. He’d awkwardly apologised to her in his own way before leaving, calling Shiro as he did.

When Shiro didn’t answer, Keith ran all the way to the apartment. He hadn’t tried Lance’s phone. His lover needed his rest, as tempting and as hard as it was not to message him. Letting himself into the apartment, Keith melted at the sight in front of him. Shiro and Lance were both asleep on the sofa, Kosmo cuddled into Lance’s side, wagging his tail as his tongue lolled out. Yeah. He was kind of ready to yell, and kind of jealous, but Lance had needed comfort from the look of it, and Shiro had stepped up to be there for him. Leaving the alarm too long, Kosmo started howling as the alarm went off. Lance and Shiro both jumping as they were rudely awakened. Hurriedly Keith turned the alarm off, the apartment falling silent after a way too long moment. Damn it. He should have got a photo of Lance and Shiro sleeping. His brother, his dog, and his boyfriend. His little family safe and well... and now wide awake.

Closing the door, Keith dropped his backpack next to it. Lance was rubbing at his ears, Shiro trying to bring Kosmo under control. His poor boy hated the alarm

“Sorry. I didn’t punch the code in in time”

[chromium-siren]

A meme thingy

(borrowed from @armitages-galaxy )

rules: bold your traits

Personality: I’m an introvert. I’m an extrovert. I’m an ambivert. I like being around lots of people. I like parties. I’m comfortable when meeting new people. I like travelling or going out with people. I cry easily. I make people laugh a lot. People find me trustworthy. I’ve cried in front of a friend. I’ve bullied someone. I’ve been bullied. I appear confident. I appear quiet or shy. I have a short temper. I’ve cared for a friend when they’ve been sick/upset.

Appearance: I have short/long hair. I’ve dyed my hair. I colour my hair regularly. My hair is currently brown/blonde/black/red/pink/blue/purple/green/another colour/more than one colour. I have a piercing. I have more than one piercing. I have a body piercing. I have a tattoo. I’m considered tall/short. I like my appearance. I have many physical insecurities. I dress in an eye-catching way. I paint my nails. I wear a lot of black. I style my hair. I wear glasses/contacts.

school: I enjoy/enjoyed school. I’ve walked out of school before. I’ve walked out of a class. I’ve skipped many classes. I have left school for a week or more for health reasons. I have left school for a month or more for health reasons. I still talk to my school friends. My school had a uniform. My school was very strict. I dated someone at school. I failed a class. I failed more than one classes. I’ve been sent to the head. I’ve been suspended. I’ve been expelled. I’ve argued with a teacher. A teacher has told me off in class. I’ve handed in work late.

Music: I like country. I like pop. I like techno. I like indie music. I like rock music. I like rap music. I listen to CDs. I listen to music with headphones. I’ve been to a concert. I’ve seen my favourite artist live. I spend a lot of time listening to music. I can play an instrument. I sing in the shower. I memorise lyrics easily. I have no clue what the current chart songs are.

Relationships: I’ve been in a relationship. I’m on good terms with my ex. I’ve missed my ex. I’m single. I’m in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship. I’m crushing. I don’t want to date anyone. I’ve been hurt in the past. I am scared of being hurt. I’ve been in more than one long term relationship before. I fall in love easily. I’ve been in love before. I consider myself to be romantic. I’ve been in an abusive relationship. I flirt a lot.

TV/movies: I spend a lot of time watching TV. I watch Netflix. I prefer watching YouTube. I’ve seen The Titanic. I’ve seen more than 3 Star Wars movies. I’ve seen more than 3 Harry Potter movies. I’ve seen the Lord of the Rings movies. I’ve watched Spongebob. I’ve watched Supernatural. I watch soap operas/telenovelas. I watch game shows. I’ve watched BBC Sherlock. I’ve watched Dr Who. I’ve watched Bridgerton. I’ve watched Pride and Prejudice.

Social media: I have online friends. I’m on Instagram/tumblr/Snapchat/discord/facebook/others. My irl friends know about this account. I’m in a fandom. I’ve gotten into arguments online with strangers. I’ve been sent unkind messages. I’ve sent unkind messages. I’ve met up with an online friend irl. I’ve been on tumblr for 5+ years. I really value my friends on this site. I make tiktoks.

Family: I get along with both my parents. My parents are still together. I have at least 1 brother. I have at least 1 sister. I get along with my siblings. I have at least 1 half-brother/half-sister. I have at least 1 step-brother/step-sister. I am the oldest/youngest/middle child. I’ve lied to my parents. I’ve made my parents cry. I see my parents regularly. I’ve run away from home. I’ve snuck out past curfew. I’ve lived away from my family. My parents worry about what I’m doing.

Friends: I have a best friend. I have more than 10 friends. I speak to my irl friends regularly. I have online friends. I’ve dated a friend before. I’ve had a serious fight with a friend. I’ve helped a friend in need before. A friend has seen me cry. I’ve seen a friend cry. A friend and I have got in trouble before. My friends and I are very similar. I see my friends regularly. I have known a current friend for 5+ years.

Experiences: I’ve been on a plane. I’ve been on a train. I’ve left my country. I’ve left my county/state. I’ve had a birthday party. I’ve swam in the ocean. I’ve been skiing. I’ve climbed a tree. I’ve been to a beach. I can drive a car. I’ve been in a helicopter. I’ve been to my capital city. I’ve drunk alcohol. I’ve smoked. I’ve smoked weed. I’ve done drugs. I’ve snuck out of home/school. I’ve been clubbing. I’ve won an award. I’ve lost a loved one. I’ve been in hospital. I’ve been very ill before. I’ve prank called someone before. I’ve been in some sort of club. I’ve been in a physical fight.

Tagging: @betweenthesinnersandthesaints @dusted-souls @serbrienneoftarth @indyiisms and whoever wants to do it

[unfinishedsentenc99]

I played a text-based adventure game on the dark web. I can't undo the things I did.

I spend a lot of time on reddit. I’m sure you do, too. I’m on a lot of video game subs, and in particular ones about text-based games. I’m talking games like *Zork*. I wasn’t alive when *Zork* came out, but I got really into it in high school. When I made it to college, I took an even deeper dive, playing all the sequels, all the knock-offs, and every shitty game that people had cobbled together and released online. I had to refocus a bit, adding work on top of college courses so I could afford my shoebox apartment, but eventually I came across a post called “Apartment Complex.”

Not a super promising name.

But I was bored, and it was free, and the fact that it was hosted on some weird site that I couldn’t access from regular browsers appealed to me. It added an element of mystery. So I opened a Tor browser, entered the link, and got to a profile creation page. Basic stuff: username, preferred resolution, etc. It didn’t ask for any personal info, so I kept going.

The screen went blank, then a text box opened up.

“Welcome to Apartment Complex! You have been assigned your very own apartment building to run. But this isn’t any apartment building, because the tenants are going to be experiencing some pretty scary ordeals. You get to decide what happens next. Will your tenants survive? Will you accidentally butcher them all? The power is in your hands! Are you ready? \[Y\]/\[N\]”

*Why not,* I figured. I typed in a Y. More text appeared.

“Excellent. We’ll start you off with an easy management level. You have six tenants, numbered 1-6. None of them know each other well. Enter a number to learn more about a tenant and begin to make decisions.”

I grabbed a 6-sided die off my desk and rolled it.

Three.

“3,” I typed.

“Intriguing choice! The tenant in apartment 3 is Cherie. She’s 19 and a sophomore in college. All her friends know her to be outgoing and flirty, and she brings new guys back to her apartment multiple times a week. She doesn’t want a commitment. She enjoys sex, but mostly she just likes not being alone. It’s possible it’s related to how she was repeatedly abandoned by foster parents. Tonight, she brought home a young man named Thad. She plans to have sex with Thad, and he will pressure her not to use a condom. She will say yes because she doesn’t want to scare him off. But you can help her out! Should tonight be the night she stands up to Thad and tells him she won’t sleep with him without protection at the risk of spending the night alone? \[Y\]/\[N\]”

I didn’t realize this game would be so...domestic soap opera? *Whatever,* I thought, *let’s see how this plays out.*

“Y,” I typed.

“Intriguing choice! Thad and Cherie start to get hot and heavy. When they are naked on her couch, Thad starts to try penetrating her, but Cherie stops him and says he needs to use a condom. Thad complains that it doesn’t feel as good. Cherie tells him that it’s more important that both of them are protected from STDs. She’s feeling a little tense. Thad calls her a whore and a tease and throws his clothes back on. Cherie cries as Thad goes to storm out. Unfortunately, Cherie’s door won’t open. Thad checks, and the door isn’t locked, but it refuses to open. Furious, Thad storms back to where Cherie is still laying naked on the couch, crying, and begins to scream at her. Would you like to continue making decisions for Cherie, or try another tenant? \[1\] for Cherie, \[2\] for new tenant.”

This game was weird and pretty retro, but I also found myself pretty intrigued by Cherie and Thad’s story. The clunky stories in these games had a certain charm that made them very engaging. Fuck it, lets keep going.

“1,” I typed.

“Intriguing choice! Thad continues to scream at Cherie, who can’t stop crying. She’s afraid he might hit her. Thad hasn’t decided if he will or not, but plans to let his anger and lack of concern for Cherie as a human being guide his behavior. If things continue as they are, Thad will most likely beat Cherie to the point she will need to be rushed to the emergency room. Should Thad be stopped? \[Y\]/\[N\]”

“Fuck,” I mumbled out loud to myself. “This got intense.”

“Y,” I typed.

“Intriguing choice! A ceiling tile falls off. The edge cuts across Thad’s jugular. Blood gushes everywhere. He is dead in seconds.”

“What the fuck,” I said to myself. “This game is whack.” The text continued to appear.

“Cherie is horrified. Much of the blood sprayed all over her. She’s so scared, she starts to shut down. Cherie won’t be taking any more actions for a while. Choose a tenant: \[1\], \[2\], \[4\], \[5\], \[6\]”

*Damn,* I thought. *Looks like I’m not going to finish this game with a decent score. Keep plugging away though…*

I rolled the die again. Five. I typed it in.

“Intriguing choice! The tenant in apartment 5 is Clyde. He is 35 and works at the local First State Bank. His hobbies include snowboarding, tennis, recreational murder, ‘90s sitcoms, and fishing. He’s home alone tonight after his girlfriend, Alicia, texted him and told him she was leaving him for his brother. He bought a gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, and is working his way through that and the third season of *Frasier*. He feels the itch to strangle someone. It’s been a while, and he’s trying to kick the habit, but the deep well of emotion seems to be so deep that ice cream alone can’t fill it. He’s hoping to quench the urge with a tv binge, but just as he’s settling in, he starts to smell gas. Should he investigate? \[Y\]/\[N\]”

Not investigating would be boring, so of course I typed in a Y.

“Intriguing choice! Clyde gets off the couch and follows his nose to the kitchen, where a heavy propane smell is blasting out of one of the burners. He’s familiar enough with gas leaks to know that he’s one spark away from Clyde flambé. Should Clyde leave, or keep sucking up the fumes? \[1\] Clyde leaves or \[2\] Clyde stays.”

*Seems weird to release the murdered,* I thought, *but it would be boring to just gas him to death*.

I type a 1.

“Intriguing choice! Clyde exits his apartment and heads down the stairs to the front door. When he makes it to the floor below his, he sees that the the stairs are blocked by fallen ceiling tiles. There are stairs on the opposite side of the floor. On the way, he would pass two other apartments, which would likely have phones to call the fire department to handle the gas leak. Should he stop at the first apartment \[1\], the second apartment \[2\], or take the stairs \[3\]”

“1,” I typed.

“Intriguing choice!” That was it. No more text.

“What the hell…” I said under my breath. And then there was a knock on my door.

I froze.

“Hey, anyone home?” a voice called from the other side of my door. “My name’s Clyde, I live on the floor above you. My phone isn’t working and my apartment smells like gas. Can I borrow your phone?”

I sat as still as I could, making no sound.

“Seriously, it’s an emergency. I’m pretty sure I heard some noise in there. I need help!”

On my screen, I saw more text pop up.

“Should Clyde keep trying the first apartment \[1\], try the next apartment \[2\], or take the stairs on the far end of the floor \[3\]”

As gently as I could, I pressed 2. The clack of the key sounded like a gunshot in my head.

“Whatever, asshole. I know you’re home. I hope you enjoy being a piece of shit,” Clyde said. Then I heard his footsteps go down the hall. The apartment building I’m in is new and pretty well insulated, but I could faintly hear knocking on the apartment down the hall from me. I knew a college girl lived there. Hopefully she isn’t home.

Wait.

College girl?

No, it couldn’t be.

Text started filling up my screen again.

“Clyde went to the next apartment and knocked on the door. He heard sobbing from inside. When the tenant inside didn’t open the door, he tried the knob. It turned, but the door wouldn’t budge. It looked like it was misaligned, and with the heat wave, the wood had swollen and jammed the door in place.”

Suddenly, I heard a smash from outside. I tore my eyes to look at my front door, but it was still solidly shut. The sound had come from down the hall. I looked back at my screen.

“Clyde used his shoulder to slam the door, and it popped open. He stepped in, calling to whoever was in the apartment. Walking further in, he saw a shocking sight: a man on the ground, his neck slashed open. A ceiling tile on the ground next to him. On the couch, a completely naked young woman. And, covering everything, a massive splatter of blood. Clyde grinned. Are you going to help Cherie \[leave your apartment and go to hers\] or do nothing while Clyde murders her \[1\]”

This was so messed up. I couldn’t just let someone muder my neighbor, even if I barely knew her. But I was terrified. I got up, ran to my kitchen, grabbed the biggest knife I could find, then went to my door. I took three deep breaths to steady myself, then I unlocked the door, threw it open, and ran out into the hall. I looked over to where the other apartment was, and I could see where the door had been broken in. I ran as quietly as I could over there, and when I reached the door, stopped short and stuck my head around the door frame to see what was going on.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t see what was happening from where I was. I crept in as stealthily as I could. The first thing that hit me was the bitter stench of blood. Then I got close enough to see what was happening. Cherie was on her back on the couch, Clyde leaning over her with his hands around her throat. She was scratching at him, but the blood made everything slick and it looked like her nails were sliding around more than doing damage.

I ran up to them and drove my knife straight into Clyde’s back. He roared and whirled around.

“You bastard,” he yelled, and dove at me, tackling me to the ground. He started pummeling me with his fists. There was little I could do to stop him. With each blow, I felt myself getting weaker, my vision going darker.

And then Clyde screamed.

I focused as best I could. Above Clyde, Cherie was raising the knife for another blow. She stabbed Clyde over and over until he collapsed on top of me, and then she stabbed him some more. I screamed at her to stop, to let me up, and eventually I broke through her terror. She helped me push his body off.

I threw a blanket around Cherie and then called the cops. We spent a lot of time going over our stories with them. I left out the dark web stuff because I didn’t want to get in trouble. Finally, the cops left. Cherie went to go stay with her parents and I went back to my apartment.

When I got back, words were flashing on my screen.

“Remember: Everything that happened tonight was your choice.”

And below that:

“We hope you play Apartment Complex again!”

[whetstonefires]

Sephiroth, 1, 2, 5, 9, 12, 16, 20. I find your take on him so interesting! (And kind of sad too...)

Oh gosh this is so many! Haha okay, here goes.

1.Their physical weak spots

Huh. He’s programmed to be literally impossible to damage in the one actual fight in the Nibel flashback, the dragon. I theorize this might have been his first-level Limit? But of course you can’t use a Limit unless you’ve been injured first. (Apparently they reversed this in the Remake which is a major thematic change and I don’t like it? Anyway tho.)

So on one level his physical untouchability is part of his trademark and there’s a temptation to say ‘none’ and be done with it.

Normal human weak spots, I imagine, he’s not as alien as all that. The throat is the throat, I mean. His disinclination for wearing shirts may suggest an indifference to thoracic damage, but between his tendency to not get hit at all and the existence of healing magic that doesn’t necessarily mean much.

The vertical pupils which can dilate much further than normal would make him particularly vulnerable to flashbangs used in a dark or even dim environment. I assume Wutaian ninjas exploited the heck out of that. :D

2. Their emotional/moral weak spots

Abandonment issues was a big one, I think, and all the huge gaping vulnerabilities created by being a child with no one to love, or who loved you.

Thinking outside of Shinra’s standard pathways is a matter of some anxiety to him, in Crisis Core–his idea of resistance is ‘find my friend first and then oops fail to kill him they can’t prove it was on purpose’ and then later ‘turn down the assignment to find my friend and kill him.’ There’s just, a lot of emotional dependence on a toxic structure indicated by his behavior patterns.

I’m sure that was deliberately instilled, but it’s not that hard. His superpowers aren’t Superman scale self-sufficient until after he ‘dies’ once, and capitalism does what it does. He’s not much less dependent on the Company for survival than the average worker, and more so for identity.

Morally he was disadvantaged by being a corporate supersoldier with Hojo as his parent–the details of his upbringing have never been clarified but they sure didn’t put him anywhere outside Shinra enough for him to form external attachments, or even powerful internal personal ones prior to the rather shaky ones he managed with two peers sometime in adolescence, which leaves fairly few possibilities really.

Anyway morally he’s nothing but weaknesses, even before he got tangled up with The Thing From The Northern Crater and decided he was God and should consume all life. ^^;

5. Guilty pleasures 

You know, I don’t think even pre-evil Sephiroth did guilt much? Waste of energy, and (see above) he wasn’t socialized for it, it’s counterproductive in a soldier. The ‘guilt’ in guilty pleasure is really a species of shame though, and anyone with that much pride is vulnerable to the opposite, even if they weren’t exposed to someone like Hojo growing up….

You know, it was probably novels? He was a reader, and one of the most personal things we know about him from the OG is the deep impression left by Hojo’s furious rant about how inappropriate it was to use poetic expressions about magic. Even ‘magic’ was too sentimental for this domineering science twit.

So, every so often growing Sephiroth would get his hands on a piece of fiction, and the quality wasn’t necessarily great because it was whatever he could pick up in the break room or wherever, but he’d hole up out of sight and scarf it down. Even once he had his own living space and salary and could buy whatever books he wanted and store them, he’d pick up novels on the sly and get rid of them once he was done, like someone was going to catch him. One of the things he used to pick out of the ruins in Wutai during the looting was books.

He always felt a confusing mess of jealousy and scorn about Genesis’ Loveless thing. That he could just like it like that, constantly, right out in the open, where anyone could laugh at him. That nobody had ever taken it away.

Less tragically, I think sometimes he’d go home and watch bad TV. Whatever Midgar’s stupidest soap opera was. Sephiroth caught enough of the reruns to know most of the main plots. He had an opinion about who the father of Jaqueline’s baby should have turned out to be. He would never admit this.

9. Humiliating memories

Okay, as touched on above repeatedly, he grew up with Hojo, who loves breaking people down and laughing at them, so he’s probably got a lot of these.

The worst one is one time when he had a weak moment or an optimistic one, and asked out loud in words for something he really, really wanted, and Hojo said yes, and gave Sephiroth just enough time to get desperately excited and express gratitude before laughing at him and saying of course he was lying. Don’t be stupid.

That isn’t something important enough to bother with.

12. Grudges and vendettas 

‘Burning inside with violent anger’ isn’t there for no reason. From Nibelheim on these define him, and according to bonus materials of middling canon status he eventually sheds almost all identity elements but his grudges.

I think, based on the shape of his breakdown? That for most of his life he told himself that holding onto anger and pursuing grudges was a waste of time and energy. But that didn’t actually help him let any of it go, he just internalized and ignored things. Because he wasn’t actually not holding grudges, he was just reacting like someone who didn’t have any choices, and marinating in spite.

Spite against Hojo surfaces on the way up to the reactor in a way that says to me it’s a habit, almost a reflex. But it manifests in profound pettiness, and I think that’s the only way he normally felt he was permitted to act out against the people who really bothered him, though I’m also sure he channeled a lot of anger into unrelated killing. Natural thing to do when you’re a frustrated teenager who’s supposed to be killing people anyway.

By the time he did it in Nibelheim, it was an old habit.

The fact that he bothered to personally kill the Shinra President as his big debut says to me he was holding a grudge about his entire life against the person who commissioned him and declared the war and shaped the floating Midgar-world that defined his life. I think there were probably a lot of personal insults in there too, just because of the way Shinra Sr. seems to have conducted himself generally.

He’s a Donald Trump expy wouldn’t you.

Sephiroth is written as a much softer person in Crisis Core, almost absurdly so, but even there you can see him resenting Genesis and Angeal more than a little for abandoning him. It probably brought back his whole mess of feelings about Gast, who really did abandon him quite unforgivably but Sephiroth never knew the full circumstances, just that he was gone and later dead. There are signs he blamed Hojo, who doesn’t seem to have gloated openly about the murder even if he did make sure to inform the boy his favorite person was dead now.

And of course later on there’s Cloud, which doesn’t actually make that much sense until you loop in the retcon about Cloud throwing him into the reactor and cutting short his initial rampage. There’s the grudges he seems to have inherited from Jenova, against the Cetra.

It’s not out of the question that he killed Aerith the way he did in part because she was the thing Gast abandoned him for, as well as all the other less personal reasons. I sort of like to think so.

16. Dark secrets/’skeletons in the closet’

Of his own, as opposed to ‘about him’ that he found out about, I don’t think he really had many? He wasn’t much accustomed to privacy.

I think most of the worst things he did, as a human being rather than a transhuman monstrosity, were pretty unavoidably public; they were war crimes, and happened in front of some fraction of the rest of the army. He was praised for them.

There probably were a lot of dark things he never talked to anyone about, that weren’t really known, but except for outright humiliating childhood incidents like above he wasn’t particularly hiding them. He was just never in a position where it would have made any sense to him to bring them up.

Genesis wasn’t ever someone it was safe to be vulnerable around, and Angeal was uncomfortable with too much emotion, and besides they were fellow soldiers and it wasn’t like the things he didn’t talk about from the war were anything special, and he wasn’t going to complain about his childhood to them. And who else was there?

Dude needed so much therapy.

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines 

I go absolutely nuts with alternate timelines for Sephiroth. He’s so much fun to work with that way.

Lucretia and Vincent stole the baby and went on the run: Firo grew up kinda isolated in the woods with his parents but runs away at thirteen to fight Shinra because he’s so mad they had to leave Wutai because of the invasion. Parzival AU.

Ifalna recruited Sephiroth to her escape scheme and he wound up raising Aerith on the run, under the names Rith and Roth. Beloved Dust AU, that one’s actually online as you may very well know lol.

Vincent blew up the Nibelheim reactor with Hojo and Jenova in it when Sephiroth was six, and then later Midgar blew up as well and the Shinra world order collapsed, and the recently married Mrs. Strife adopted the weird lab kid. Later on Cloud pressures his big brother into starting an anti-bandit militia. Time Of General Strife AU.

Cute three-way blood brothers ceremony contaminates Genesis’ body with Sephiroth’s DNA and sets off his degeneration several years early, when they’re all teenagers and not nearly as famous, powerful, or fucked in the head. Brother and Brother AU.

And so on. ;}

[momo-de-avis]

Wordtober Day 18: Misfit

Presented without comment. 

----

It’s not like I’ve always wanted to be an actress, it was just something I discovered at one point, and I was already good at public speaking so—not that far a distance to travel, right?

Well, almost. Because you see, as soon as I left school and decided on following that path, I realized I was actually not that good at it. Until then, I thought a few school plays and some praise from the drama teachers was enough, but then I was thrust into the real world and found myself facing the most dreadful monster anyone in the arts will face: criticism.

And criticism said that I sucked at it.

I never really went to college, I just took it to be a stupid idea—spending thousands for three years of studying acting. It’s not like it was a medical degree, or law school—I mean, it’s not on the same level of demand, right? I just thought, a few workshops, some professional one-year courses, a few masterclasses with well-known names, and it would suffice. I read a bit on my spare time too, mostly plays, and though I tried picking up books on acting, I generally just quit after a while, bored out of my mind.

I always loved the idea of pretending to be someone else on a stage or in front of a camera, this thing about letting go of who you are entirely as you prepare for a role, and embody someone else so deeply you almost forget about yourself. I always was fascinated by method actors losing their marbles over those wacky roles they poured themselves into, body and mind. A bit morbid, yeah, but interesting. I thought I was learning more from them than I possibly could in a three-year-long university course.

So I did what I could, here and there, and after four years my resume amounted to a few masterclasses and courses that cast me aside before a fellow competitor who showed up with big university names listed alongside pompous grades. This might have been about when I realize I’d made some serious misjudgement, and a petty one at that.

Six years down the line, and I was making a living out of being an extra on random shit on the telly. A few soap operas, some historical TV shows, even talk-shows. They paid little, but at least production provided a snack, and the good thing was that I got to stand in the back, watching the crew go mad about a slight fault in equipment or what-have-you, which gave me the chance to strike up a nice chat with some pop star from the telly out there. It was fun, even educational, considering TV stars love giving you unsolicited advice when you share your wish of becoming an actor with them. But it was actually quite crushing too.

I mean, I had to listen to these people going on about never quitting, never giving up on my dreams, that it’s a cutthroat world out there, competition this and that, and everyone wants a piece of what they have—go on, fly, you little bird! Sure. But not really. I might have misjudged things and should have gone to university, definitely, but it’s not like I didn’t try. I did try. I went to casting calls nearly every week, attended lectures, all that. I just hated wasting my time with networking, the one thing everyone insisted on was absolutely a necessity, like whatever talent you might have, it won’t matter until you talk like a pompous ass.

Ten years, and the best gig I had landed was a poorly made theatre production about a little kid on the moon that was, if I am being honest, a straight-up rip-off from The Little Prince, and intended at a younger audience too, though I suspect the theatre director’s decision on casting grown adults to play little children in an almost demeaning way was the major ingredient to attracting a series of college students who had a laugh with it. The critics weren’t nice about it either, but I did my job.

There were other jobs, but they were equally bad, if not worse. This one just paid best.

Twelve years on, and I escalated to a commercial on toothpaste, where I played the fake doctor saying nine out of ten dentists went absolutely nuts over this one brand, while holding a tube of—I kid you not—bland white paste that smelled of plaster. Later on, I’d even do a fast food commercial where I had to bite into a burger riddled with needles to keep the lettuce, cheese, tomato and beef straight, and though my stardom amounted to a close-up of my nostrils and biting teeth, it took me five tries because I was terrified of being impaled in the gums.

I was frustrated, I won’t deny it. I was even ashamed of showing my resume to whoever, and for every casting call I attended, I could see the disdain on those faces sitting behind that desk—that dismissive look of a casting director as she pushed her glasses down the bridge of her nose, read my miserable career’s story and asked me questions I dreaded answering. I even auditioned for bold parts I knew I’d never get, things like proper characters on TV, the lead detective on some cop show, or the love interest in a soap opera, even standing girl showing off the prices in some quiz crap.

Nothing.

You speculate when you fail, you know. Think often that it’s you: maybe you’re ugly, you’re cursed, you don’t dress properly, you don’t talk right, you lack whatever bedazzle these people, sitting at the top, have—you just lack something. Though I had the talent, I think—I might have sucked when I first started, but I got better, and there are enough mediocre actors out there making six figures to prove talent doesn’t mean shit in this world—right? So I really could not tell why I was failing, when I tried—I tried, time and again—and I just failed and failed and failed. Fail again, fail better—Beckett was a lying twat, that’s what.

Then, one afternoon, I went into a casting call for something grand, a secondary role for a recurrent character on a major TV production, some sci-fi stuff. It seemed easy enough when I read the script and the guidelines of what they were looking for, and I didn’t really do much practising—I’m good at improvisation, I reckon, even tried it for a while, though it mostly deals with comedy and I am not funny. But outside of that, I swear I am good at improvising—so I went with it, given what I had.

And I blew it. I mean monumentally blew it. I stuttered every single line that came out of my mouth, I asked to stop and try again five times, I paced back and forth with heavy breaths, trying to put my mind in order, but everything was just scrambled inside my head like when you drop a bunch of papers on the ground and try to put them back together, and I was sweating profusely—I mean, I looked like a morning jogger on his way back home. I don’t know what happened to me, I just froze in an instant of panic like I never had before—it’s my greatest quality, I can just stand before an audience and act, audiences just do not bother me at all, I’m good like that. But that day I just… felt wrecked. I couldn’t even admit to myself I should have prepared, but I had set this goal, that if I’d manage to just improvise the right way with no proper warm-up, then that meant I was good.

But I wasn’t. I blew it bad. And I walked out of there absolutely certain I had missed on yet another major opportunity.

As I opened the door to leave, someone else was coming inside, though at first I missed it and nearly let the door smash against their face. I turned back abruptly, held the door for them, apologized and… froze.

She looked exactly like me. I mean exactly the same. Same sandy-brown skin, same heart-shaped, chubby face, same light brown hairs, slightly discoloured at the tips, same tawny lips and brown eyes, even the same freckles on the nose—just everything exactly like me.

Our eyes locked on one another and she smiled, but I was certain I was just so shaken I was beginning to imagine things, so I just went home and never thought about it again.

Eight months later, the show debuted. I didn’t have any intention of watching it, considering it reminded me of my worst failure yet, but I was just skimming through the channels that night and happened to stop there for a second to reach in and grab my water bottle, and I saw it. I saw her.

She had gotten the part, and she was on TV, playing the side-character that was to be recurrent as well, but with my face. Exactly like me in every aspect—even as she spoke, it was my voice, same precise tone and accent, same quirks to the Rs and fluctuations of the Ls—just everything. A carbon copy of myself.

I searched her online—the name, at least, was different—and was slapped with a never-ending list of websites showering her with praise. The secondary character who was stealing the show, a new star was born; the flesh, the depth, the vigour she gave this mundane woman on the screen, the unmatched talent—truly, a rising star.

I can’t express just how angry it made me feel. She looked just like me—it was impossible that nobody could see it—and it turns out, I hadn’t dreamed it, that day. The more I searched her online, the more her face showed up—everywhere, just everywhere, endless pictures of this woman who had stolen my face and my talent and now every pair of eyes in the country—the world!—was on her.

I called my mum, asked her to have a look, insisted on the similarity without ever really saying just how starkly equal we were—and she dismissed it. Laughed. What do you mean!, she screamed, amused. Tou two look nothing alike! I called a friend, asked the same—even before I could spell out my troubles, she was already showering her with praise—oh, have you seen the show?, it’s marvellous, I love her role, she just puts so much heart into it, you have to watch it! But when I pressed her, she pushed it aside—looks didn’t matter, she told me—though that wasn’t even the subject at hand—and surely, you two look nothing alike.

Yet everywhere, it was me that I saw. That woman had my face, my body, my voice—and had stolen my talent.

I tried to forget about it, kept going to casting calls—and somehow, from that moment on, it seemed my luck turned for the worst. I got struck by an unexpected sense of panic, sweating profusely and shuddering at every step, hyperventilating as if I was about to pass out, and forgot my lines. I trusted my instinct on improvisation still, but that one tool that had helped me so much in the past was suddenly useless. I became afraid of hearing the sound of rejection—no, nada, zilch, bye, you suck, choose another career—it haunted me at night and I’d wake up with tears as I thought about this woman with my face stealing my confidence.

Nobody could see it. Everyone I asked, everyone I knew, I insisted she looked exactly like me, but they couldn’t see it. They laughed it off, said I was imagining things; when I pressed, they began to walk away and frown at me with suspicion as if I was nuts; when my reason began to cloud my judgement, they showed worry, suggested I should seek help. At last one day, I screamed at mum for not daring to see it and she started crying, saying I was just jealous of her fame as I had been all my life, with my dismissive attitude towards all and any who got the things I had wanted for so long without even trying hard.

She was lying, of course. I wasn’t jealous, though I couldn’t stand their pep-talks during filming breaks, between a coffee and a cigarette, and their follow-your-dreams bullshit. But this was different. I wasn’t jealous, it was just outright unfair! She looked exactly like me, how could nobody see it? And ever since she appeared in this world, she had stolen my everything—my attention, my chances, my glow, my focus. I was a shit actress again because a random stranger with my liking simply pulled the rug from beneath my feet and reaped the profits of what I had sowed!

It got worse, of course. I started drinking to get her face off my mind, but she was all I thought about, which is incredibly bizarre because the face that popped up in my head at night, as I rolled in bed with a headache, was mine, but now I was seeing myself from the outside, as—I suppose—the world saw me, but through this heavy filter of absolute scorching hatred. Yes, I hated her; I hated her so much it was all there was on my mind; I hated her with all my might, with all my vigour, and I wanted her to go away forever so I could retrieve what she had stolen.

I mean—it was unfair! Because my mum was wrong, I tried so hard, and this broad stole my appearance, my face, my voice, my outside, and suddenly she’s being given the chance to rise to the top! I even checked her resume: she attended university, worked with a drama company for three years, did comedy improv—are you joking me? Everything I tried and failed at, everything I shoved aside because I didn’t want to waste any time—she got it? That’s what separated us, what made me a failure, and she a star—a college degree?

And I mean—what else? Did she have anything I didn’t—despite, well, clearly my appearance? Maybe she fell for that crap everyone kept telling me, in the most condescending manner possible: you have to talk to people, networking is the way to go! Just talk, like that—just hold up a glass of wine and pretend, pretend you’re just like these uptight assholes standing at the top, share a laugh at a joke you don’t understand and be all fancy to their eyes—was that it? Because there had to be something else, something else besides my appearance and my talent. Just something.

I searched for very long, so long I lost focus and was out of work, eventually. I watched her videos, her interviews, analysed her behaviour—she even had my tics! The way she bit her lip, picking at the skin, while she listened to someone talk, or how she clicked her fingernails together when she thought about a question, turning her eyes down to her lap—those were mine! I even remember seeing pink magazines going on about how cute it was that she bit the skin of her fingers before a live interview because she was nervous—seriously? I did that!

Just… everything. Everything there was to know about me now existed in this person like an unauthorized biography. She told people my life’s story, my experiences, my past—the dogs and guinea pig I had as a child, the tiny scar on my knee from when I fell on the schoolyard at eight years old, that quip about the piece of paper I burned during class at fifteen.

Even when she talked about the things that were clearly hers, there was something of me. There was this one interview where she admitted she almost didn’t go to college, and when the interviewer asked why, she said, with a coy smile and pushing a lock of her hair back—like me: oh, because I was so afraid of trying something new and being put to the test, just being put into this position where I would be forced to be critical of my own talents, and I was scared of failing. And then, she looked straight into the camera.

I swear, watching that face, sat on my couch, I swear she was looking at me; I swear that bitch knew. She knew she was talking about me, because those were my thoughts. That nervousness, that hesitation, that was me on the day I held the form in my hands to apply for drama school, but didn’t. That fear was mine. And senseless as it was, I was in the right to claim my own fears, dammit! I had stood in the rain, shaking with anticipation, and I had thrown the papers in the bin because I didn’t want to be subjected to the endless torture of being told by college professors that I sucked!

My drinking got worse, my eating habits were shit, I moved back in with my mum, and my life just generally spiralled out of control. I attended casting calls with a hangover and ruined my chances; I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of shooting a commercial for a coffee brand; I fell asleep while filming a documentary where I played an extra, and was kicked out when I started a fight with the casting director on another shooting because she complained about my lack of makeup. Everywhere I went, I was just a shadow of this woman that twinkled before the cameras like a star in the skies; I was just the shameful part of a starlet, a skeleton in a closet I didn’t even know. The evil twin, if you will.

I thought my life was over. A year passed, and my mum thought I was developing an unhealthy obsession with this woman, saying I should just walk up to a mental hospital and check myself in—no more suggestions, just blatantly saying: you’re insane. My friends stopped talking to me because, according to them, I was acting strange, unable to let go of the inane idea that some random actress who had risen to fame so quickly looked, acted and existed exactly like my carbon copy. They refused to see that she was me. They refused to acknowledge that her stories were mine. They denied any similarity—over and over again, they just told me I was batshit crazy.

So I quit. I quit my dream, my life and my passions, and I just let this person possess my everything, while dreaming of hating her so much I’d kill her if I had the chance.

And that was it. It was either me or her, but this world was not made to have the two of us in it.

I tried messaging her. Found her online, every profile I could, and pasted the exact same message on every one of them, sent privately: you stole my life. Seconds later, every single messaging system beeped: you stole my life. The exact same words I had sent her, now sent back to me. I tried again, this time typing something different: you’re pretending to be me, you scheming little bitch—and they beeped back: same message, ipsis verbis. Eventually, I slammed the keyboard, producing a string of incomprehensible jargon of just random letters, numbers and symbols—and hit enter. And the exact same string of nonsense was returned to me.

I stared at the blinking cursor for a long time, shuddering in the half-darkness of my room in dread, certain nothing about this was normal, and yet the prevailing emotion to my heart was just pure, boisterous rage. Whatever it was, whatever she was, it was clear she was keen on driving me insane, forcing me into the piths of my own madness, until all there was to my existence was my obsession with this double that had stolen my life and made a spectacle out of it—while no one believed me.

So I looked for her. It wasn’t hard to figure out where she lived, not with all the gossiping magazines stalking her to the gym, to the store, to the movies, complaining about her outfits—outfits I owned, too. It simply took a little patience, some careful watching, some geographical studying of her movements, and within two weeks, I managed to figure out where she lived by simply following her route home.

It was night when I finally decided on confronting her. She turned the street and walked ahead calmly, hands deep in her pockets, and I stalked her into an empty alleyway with barely a light on. She stopped in front of a closed door, placed her hand on it and turned around—looking straight into my eyes with a twisted, perverted smile. Then, she pushed the door open and went inside—and left it ajar for me.

The building was bare empty. I mean bare empty. Every light was off, the lift not working, no sound coming from behind any door in any hallway. No plants, no garbage bins, not even a piece of advertising flapping off some mailbox—nothing. As if nobody lived there, except her. It was so vacant, so hollow, it made me shudder, like I was walking into a trap, and were it not for my obsession on hating this woman, on setting this matter straight once and for all, I would have gotten out of there. I was shaking in terror, absolutely mortified of the idea of what I would find there—I mean, the walls were dirty, with chipped off paint, some of them riddled with old graffiti—it seriously looked stripped bare of life, and like it had been so for a very long time.

But I still went inside. Terrified of what was to come, quivering at the sight of every dancing shadow, breathing heavily, I went into that dark, hollow building, reeking of old pipes and copper, and found the only door open with light inside.

I went in, but the flat appeared abandoned as well. There was but a ratty old sofa in the middle, a broken coffee table in front of it, no TV and no electrical apparatus of any sort, just old furniture scattered about. No curtains either, just the electric lights outside shining in with ease, and it cast a faint glimmer of yellow and orange on the absolute misery that was the flat. Even as I crossed the door, a million things cracked under my soles and I saw, to my surprise, there was just rubble everywhere, pieces of old stone crumbled down, broken glass here and there and garbage. A dusty bottle in a corner, a syringe glistening beneath an old chair, cigarette butts and empty crisp packets everywhere.

She stood under a doorway, her face absolutely frozen, the traits of her that composed me barely visible under the lack of light—and I trembled at the sight. I hated her, but there was something inhuman to that woman, something out of this world. She wasn’t normal. She was not supposed to exist. She was not something someone just made happen, something that just existed, that was just… there. She was like a glitch, a malfunction that nobody set straight, and I wondered—how long had she been there? Had she been there all my life and I hadn’t noticed? Had she been watching me from afar, waiting for the right time to reveal herself in full and take over my insecurities and failures to aggrandize them and twist them to her own liking, making me the sorrowful, miserable looser on the fringe of despair?

I didn’t know what to do for a long time. All my body felt compelled to do was cry, just curl into a ball and cry, and sobbing into my clothes, bawling like a toddler, I just said: why? I wanted to tell her I hated her, I wanted to pick up a shard from the floor and stick it into her skull, I wanted to cut her and make her bleed, to watch her wither in pain and maybe even cry too—but I just teared up and shrivelled in tears.

I don’t know how long it passed, but it seemed quite long. Throughout, she didn’t move—she just stood and watched. When I finally wiped my tears and looked into her eyes, she was smiling—that same perverse smile of someone sketched into reality solely to cause you fear and horror and make you tremble in your whole existence, just someone tailored to be your very own tormentor. I hated her still, but what I felt more vividly inside my pumping heart was utter, paralyzing fear. Fear she would take over me so completely I would eventually vanish, evaporate like sand in the wind, gone into thin air, forever; until all that was left was but a faint memory of someone who might have been there once, but wasn’t anymore—until that too would be gone. And I’d be nothing but a mistake forged somewhere in the past, by two people who had sorrowfully made sex one night to produce a child, and that child would fall into oblivion, stolen from the memory of the world forever by an alien meant to mimic my very own self.

I was so terrified she would take everything away from me that was all I’d be left with: nothingness, obscurity. Worse: me. Just me. Just my failures and my life. Just a life led through a string of mistakes I had swept under a rug to pretend they had never been there and moved on with a false sense of security, terrified of starting over. I was terrified this woman, who had stolen everything that was me, was there to laugh one last laugh and take all that I had left: my broken self.

And there she was: the projection of a failed dream. Successful in all I had never been, able to overcome every step I had climbed down, clambering her way up while I kept on falling. The ideal. The past and future without so much as a hint of the present—in the flesh, through me, in my image. Laughing in scorn.

She gave a step forward, picked up a shard from the floor, twisted it in her fingers; her smile grew, white teeth glinting silver, and something daunting fell on my shoulders as I watched in silence, quivering in dread. She looked again at me with a glare, and the corners of her lips fell abruptly as she frowned and pressed the shard between her fingers.

“Is this what you want?” She asked; with one swift gesture, she pulled up her sleeve and gripped the shard. The glinting piece of glass entered her flesh, a slick, thin line of red slithered up her arm, and it thickened as the pressed deeper and deeper—eyes locked on mine—until the blood pooled on the ground beneath her.

I flinched, gasped and held onto my arm; I felt that jabbing pain too, but it was somehow sweet, and instead of warding it away, I embraced it—though the crying returned, and this time more copious than before. And when she was done, she did it again—slicing herself until the blood squirted out and her fingers were covered in red, and not a slight sense of pain to her. All I could say was one thing: stop hurting me.

She stopped, dropped the shard on the floor and walked away. For a very long time, I couldn’t move, cast over a sense of paralyzing terror so great I was afraid of opening my eyes and find things I didn’t want to see—but glad, so glad she was gone. And I knew then—somehow, I knew—she was gone for good. Gone from my life. Gone from the world.

I looked down at my arm, pulled up my sleeve, and there was a scar there, long and thin, but marked with a lump of creasy skin.

It was morning when I went home. From that day on, she ceased to exist. No more articles about her, her name wasn’t listed in any movie, and every poster ever made with her now featured someone else. When I told people her name, they didn’t recognize it.

She was just gone, as if nobody had even noticed she’d been there at all. 

And now, being the only one who remembers her, who remembers all that horrible, gnawing pain that ate up my arm that night, or that paralyzing dread of seeing my double steal from my failures, feels like being stuck inside a cage forever.

___

Past Challenges:

Wordtober Day 1: Ring

Wordtober Day 2: Mindless

Wordtober Day 3: Bait

Wordtober Day 4: Freeze

Wordtober Day 5: Build I

Wordtober Day 6: Build II

Wordtober Day 7: Enchanted (Encantada)

Wordtober Day 8: Frail

Wordtober Day 9: Swing

Wordtober Day 10: Pattern

Wordtober Day 11: Snow

(Skipped Day 12)

Wodrtober Day 13: Ash

Wordtober Day 14: Overgrown

Wordtober Day 15: Legend

Wordtober Day 16: Wild

(Skipped day 17)

[absentauthor]

Too Attached: Part 3

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Chubby!Reader

Summary: You make a decision about Bucky and the presence he should have in your life due to your shared extenuating circumstances. An unexpected morning leads to changes at the farmhouse.

Warnings: None that I can think of. Cursing.

Words: 3600+

You had been staring at the ceiling so long you could've sworn you'd begun to see constellations on the white canvas above your head. 

You were restless, mind drifting. You wanted to fall asleep, you did, it wasn't healthy to mess with your sleep cycle while pregnant. You were growing a person; you needed your rest for it to have a good chance of coming out a healthy one. You tried not to consider how you'd gotten here, in bed, mulling over heartbreak. Odd as it was, you used to wish for it; heartbreak. 

At least it was a feeling. 

Something you could only experience at the hands of someone else. It was a connection, however tenuous, and it meant something to you, back when you were just a lonely girl who'd only ever been kissed. It had been a time when the nights grew long and lonely and your mind began to drift to a solemn, consuming place, that you'd always come to a certain conclusion. You'd never find someone who noticed you. You'd end up alone forever, adopting kids if you were able to and dogs if not. You'd never know love or romantic connection. Back then, you were certain you would never know passion, lust, heartbreak. . .love. Those were nights when you wished for it, any of it. But now it was all you had. Love and heartbreak. You loved the man who stepped onto that porch two days earlier, the one who's child was growing inside you. It was damning, it was wrong. You shouldn't love him. How could you when he'd treated your heart so recklessly? So recklessly, in fact, that he hadn't even realized it was his to hold. You wished that knowledge didn't stick with you; didn't pull you from bed in the middle of the night. Clint had prefaced his news the day before with a simple: I don't think you'll like what I'm about to tell you. You'd braced, winced at the sight of his blue-black eye. Nothing he said could have really surprised you, simply pushed you into something else you weren't prepared for. No level of research could prepare you for your none-the-wiser baby daddy punching the guy he thought was your baby daddy. "Got a call from my guy over at the Sheriff's station. Apparently some dude has been living in his pickup at the end of our road for the past couple of days and he's about to get towed." That had been a day earlier and you'd snuck to the window countless times since, peeking out the window every so often to see of you could spot the offensive truck. You could. A spot on the horizon that came and went every so often (you assumed for food) and parked most often beside the mailbox. Needless to say, you weren't the one to go to get the mail. It kept you awake at night. To the point where you'd paced the rug in Clint's hallway threadbare, and ate almost all the food in the fridge. The aforementioned man not too happy about his wandering house guest was easily calmed by a FaceTime call earlier that night with Natasha, your generous benefactor and his girlfriend. It was a call that ended up being enlightening for you. You'd been intently listening to Nat, who cohesively defended her choice in giving Bucky the address to her farmhouse. "Half-yours, according to my boy Clint here," You pointed out, gesturing to Clint with a flourish. His gasp had been soap-opera worthy, complete with a hand thrown across his forehead, "Baby, I would never! You own this house and my ass!" Nat rolled her eyes, a reluctant smirk evident in her pretty features, "I don't know why I ever thought putting you two in a house together could ever result in a serious conversation." "We can be very serious now that we're facing a very serious issue!" Clint pointed out, leaning back against the couch you found yourself frequenting when the last thing you seemed to be able to do was sleep. "Bucky's arrival and subsequent sucker punch?" You shut your eyes at Nat's words, bracing under the shameful weight of. 

Why he'd come here and what he had unfairly found out. "No," Clint deadpanned. "House-wide starvation at the hands of Pint-sized Preggo over here." "Rude." Your pout deepened. "Barton, Precious Preggo!" Nat had playfully snapped. "Focus!" Your collective focus came reluctantly, but when it did, you couldn't have known what she was going to tell you. "I can't say much. It's not something I can be the one to tell you, Y/N." "Why?" You asked, even though the answer was clear. "He was distraught when he found out you left. He knew he hurt you, he just didn't know he'd successfully pushed you out of his life." You shrugged, "It wasn't about him." "Come on,” Clint scoffed. "What?" "You have taken every child psychology class there is. I've seen you on all those clinic websites. I have seen you hide the books. Jeez, the way you listen to Dr. Montgomery. . .you're reading up on everything that can possibly happen to this kid. You already know what is good for them and bad for them to some degree. It is about him because shutting him out completely goes against everything you believe in when it comes to parenting." You wished that he hadn't seen all your research; the Romanoff-Barton coupling was far too observant once they knew a secret like that. You had spent years in school, years that involved a number of classes that you loved to take. Psychology being high up on that list. These classes had taught you many things, including what it meant to be a parent. Because a romantic relationship could crumble easily, but a parenting bond lasted forever. Not for you, not for him. . .but for your child. "You want to get this right, I know you do," Clint said. "So?" "You know it's not just about you and Bucky anymore. You have for awhile and that's good." "What's your point, Clint?" "Set rules. Do your obsessive planning thing. But give Bucky a chance to be a part of those plans. Because it's not just the two of you anymore and he deserves his part of the equation." "You don't have to be all lovey dovey with the guy. Just. . . co-parent." Natasha chimed in, "He took leave to go find you. Permanent leave, which is as good as quitting here. Fury is well, furious." You stared at him, then the computer screen. Why did you have to end up tag-teamed by the most cohesive couple in history? You wished it didn't matter to you. That you could see that truck and feel nothing, that you could know how much he was giving up and have it not matter, but it was impossible. The truck's apparent occupant held a piece of your heart and was half responsible for the pre-human taking up residence in your body. You loved your baby. You already loved your baby. So much so that you knew no piece of history could hold a candle to it's existence. No fling, no love affair, no heartbreak. Motherhood had always been a word in your vocabulary, an inevitability. You loved kids and always wanted them, making plans when you were young to adopt when were certain no one would ever love you enough to want them with you. You always thought romantic love would matter in motherhood and it was your mistake. Well, maybe an oversight. You were a young and unmarried woman, pregnant with a baby from the man who was your best friend. Despite that latter fact, you had no true commitment to him, apart from the baby. Your non-committal sexual relationship, your fractured friendship, the heart that seemed to ache every time you considered what would have happened if you'd never told him the truth? None of it mattered anymore. None of it was what truly stuck in your mind when you saw that truck. Because your heart may still beat for Bucky, despite every fact, but did not beat for him alone. It beat for your baby too, and if your baby's father was willing, you were going to give him a chance to be a part of this experience. . .no matter how wary you were of this conclusion. ____ Later that night, clad in a too-big sweatshirt and pajama pants, feet pushed into your bunny slippers, you made the walk down the long drive to the edge of the property. Towards that damn truck. Fueled by your restlessness and on-the-mend heart, you slowly approached the truck belong to the man who broke it. He was asleep in the cab of the truck, leaned across the front seat, head resting on a sweater. He looked uncomfortable. The fact that he was enduring it only made one thing clear. You sigh, resting a hand on your belly before whispering to your stomach, "Your Daddy is a stubborn mule." Said stubborn mule was in a deep sleep, but you couldn't allow yourself to let that fact deter you. You knocked on the passenger side window twice. Bucky shot up inside the cab, messy-haired and dreary-eyed. He blinked, rubbed his eyes. . .pretty much made certain that what he was seeing was actually real. You open the door and step into the truck, sitting down on the passenger side. "Did you walk all the way out here?" He asked, sleep still in his voice. "We do what we want, okay? Besides, this little cutie in my tummy is apparently very, very stubborn." "I can only imagine," he chuckled sleepily. "Probably just like their Mama." "Funny, I said the same thing about you." Silence falls between you. "You didn't tell me." "I tried," you replied softly. "When?" "Three times altogether," you admitted honestly. "Before you left on your last mission, for one." He was visibly crushed. He was exhausted. You could see it in his face, in the way he held himself. You wanted to comfort him, to chide him for not leaving. You had told him that, hadn't you? Maybe if he had you wouldn't feel the need to be in the truck at all. Maybe you'd be back in the farmhouse, reading over more articles online and trying to forget the man who knocked you up. It's not just you anymore. "I was wrong. I should have tried harder to tell you. I should have let you know what was going on despite what happened between us." He was silent at the admission. "This is not an apology. I don't have to apologize, but I thought you should know." He opened his mouth to say something, but for fear of it, you continued. "Bucky, we need to make this work. And to do so, we need ground rules."

He looked hurt. You wished it didn’t matter to you. That his blue eyes didn’t pierce your heart, weigh heavy on your soul.

"This isn't about us. It can't be," You stated when it felt like you'd crack. "We can't screw up this kid by making this about us." He surged closer to you, eager and hopeful, "No, I know. Doll, I would never--" You cut him off with a raised hand pressing against his chest. 

"No, understand this. No nicknames. No kisses, no sex. No relationship between us other than co-parents." Your heart was in crisis, screaming at your head, this is crazy. You loved him, god, you loved him. It hadn't gone away, not truly. You'd pushed it down and tried to deny it, but it was still beneath the surface and no set of rules could ever dampen the flame. But you had to do it. You had to. "We are going to do this for the baby. It's not about us anymore and looking back on what happened between us isn't going to benefit our child." You steadied yourself with a shaking breath in, "Understand?" "Yes, Doll I--" He shut his eyes, a silent correction. "Y/N. Yes, Y/N. I understand." The silence isn't awkward a second time. It falls seamlessly as you take a deep breath, hand subconsciously brushing your stomach. "Come on." You reached over and turned the keys in the ignition. The truck roaring to life. "Where are we going?" Bucky straightened in the driver's seat, eyes intent on you. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. "You're driving me back to the house. You're going to come inside, sleep on the couch, and apologize to Clint in the morning and thank him for not letting the county sheriff tow your ass after you gave him a black eye. But first, you are going to shower." You finish confidently, crossing your arms over your recently enlarged chest. "Because you smell." Bucky nodded. If he was trying to hide his amusement, he wasn't doing it very well. "You're also coming to my doctor's appointment on Tuesday." His smile was soft. Enduring. It spread across his face gently and you had to force yourself to look away before you gave in altogether. "Yes, ma'am." This wasn't going to be easy.   ___ Bucky woke up the next morning on something softer than his pickup's front seat. He recalled the events of the night before, how he’d never been happier to be ordered around by you. He'd have to thank Barton for picking this particular couch too, because he was sure he'd never slept on anything softer. Except, well, maybe you. He tried not to think about the mornings when he would wake up beside you, often finding himself half sprawled over you and waking to the sound of your sleepy giggle and followed with a 'get offa' me, ya big lug.' His already heavy heart was betraying him. He sat up and tried to push it away. He had a to-do list, after all. He'd showered the night before, putting on a change of clothes he'd kept in his go-bag which he'd been extremely thankful he'd thrown in the truck when he left the Compound. That item had been an easy one to check off. Sleeping on the couch? An item he gladly checked off. The only thing left on the list was to apologize to Barton. Bucky walked into the kitchen at the sound of a gurgling coffee maker, half sure it couldn't have been you. You'd always been one to sleep in, it was why you often scheduled your grad school classes later or took them online. You loved your sleep, it was true. Barton was pouring coffee into a mug, back turned to where Bucky entered the room. Bucky knew Clint was partially deaf, so he assumed he would be surprised to his quiet entering of the room. You know what they say about assuming. "Knew we had a new houseguest." Barton turned, holding up his own coffee mug, "Want coffee?" Bucky chuckled as he read said mug. Will I ever stop being a sarcastic asshole? Find out on next week's episode of 'I Think The Fuck Not.' "Sure, thanks." Bucky watched as Barton grabbed another mug, poured him some of the coffee left in the pot. He didn't know the best way to say what he had to. 

He had been sorry. 

Two days stuck in a truck unsure of what he was waiting for if you didn't want him around because of his tendency to go off half-cocked gave him plenty of time to consider it. Barton had done a good thing and he knew it. You were hurt, heartbroken and that had been Bucky's fault, no one else's. You didn't feel like you could stay in the same place you'd had been and Barton had taken in 'the crazy hormonal pregnant lady.' 

Bucky would always be grateful for it. . .when he wasn’t regretting making you feel the need to flee altogether. "I know she probably told you to apologize to me. You don't have to." Okay, Clint's a mind reader now. "I-I want to. I'm sorry for punching you." Barton sat across from Bucky at the kitchen counter, shrugging as h sipped his coffee. "I get it. If I thought I lost Nat to some other guy the way you thought you did. . . rational thought would've been out the window." Bucky was grateful for Clint Barton for way, way too many things. "Doesn't mean I'm okay with what you did to her." And he respected Barton for the little shit he was. Bucky heard you before he saw you. Disheveled and messy haired, you padded into the kitchen in your too-big sweatshirt and PJ pants, fuzzy socks muting your footsteps. You tried to be stealthy, sneaking a mug and a short walk to the coffee maker, but Clint stopped you in your tracks. "You know you can't have that." "Buzzkill." "Your hot OB will thank me." Clint said through a mouthful of muffin. He raised an eager eyebrow. "When's your next appointment?" "You know damn well it's Tuesday." You huff. "What would Nat have to say about that, anyway?" "Oh, I sent her a picture after your last appointment. She agrees." Bucky watched the reaction in silence, chewing on a piece of his muffin. He was always fond of you. Your humor, smart mouth. 

From the moment you became friends, he'd always loved just listening to you talk. The warmth in your voice, the soft smile that often remained after a particularly good joke.

He like looking at you, too. You always had this peculiar beauty about you, this inherent adorable air to everything you did. The sight of you brought a smile to his face that he had to stamp down because friends don't look at friends like they turn their world. 

Hell, you weren't even friends anymore. If his fondness had flagged some deeper feeling within him, the giddiness that came with a simple glance your way earlier, none of this would have happened. Suffice it say, it had ruined almost everything. Except for you. . .and his baby. Because you were strong. Still were and always would be. With or without him. Well, not without him entirely. Co-parents. A role that left Bucky in his future child's life, but on the outskirts of yours. He was already wary of this arrangement. He couldn't say that, however. So he went with: "Morning, Y/N." You looked up at him and smiled, but it didn't reach your eyes. 

Would he ever get to see your sweet smile again? He didn't have time to mull it over as you sat down, visibly wincing. Clint noticed it too. "Y/N? You okay?" Bucky didn't realize he had stood from his seat until he was beside you, kneeling to meet your keeled over form. "Yes," you said softly, eyes closed. Your hands found your belly as you wiggled a little in your chair. "N-no. I, uh, I don't know." You were shaking. Bucky didn't like it, not at all. "Doll, you gotta calm down. What do you feel?" "Like my stomach is. . .I don't know! Light? Sinking? Fluttering! I don't know, it's just--" Your eyes met his, breath coming quickly. "What if it's a late miscarriage or a disease?" Bucky couldn't answer that question. He looked to Clint, who looked as lost as he did, kneeling on your other side. He sighed, taking charge. "Okay, where's your research?" He asked you, taking your hand in his. "What?" You asked, breath evening slightly. Bucky couldn't tell if you were calming or just shocked. Had he said something shocking? "Your books, articles, list of web links in alphabetical order?" He asked, tilting his head a little to the side in his confusion. "There's no way you can know about those too!" You groaned, leaning back in your chair. Bucky's confusion only deepened, "What?" "How did you know about those?" Clint asked, half-chuckling. "Did Nat tell you?" "Nat only gave me an address." Bucky answered before turning back to you. "I-I guess I just assumed. You always did research on just about everything. Figured you'd have some about this." Your eyes never left his, something resembling fondness behind them. You let out a long exhale; relief evident in it, "I know what this is." "What?" Bucky and Clint asked at the same time. "Grab my computer, Bucky." You smiled softly, tears welling up in your eyes.  "Search 'quickening'." Bucky rushed to the counter and your laptop, opening it and typing the word into Google. Clint came up beside him and both of their eyes wandered from link to link. First fetal movement. It can often feel like a flutter or a lightness in the stomach. The moment a mother can begin to feel her baby move. Bucky was sure his heart would burst. He grinned, looking up at you. He could only chuckle fondly when he saw your watery grin, a hand pressed against your stomach. You walked over to him, reached out for his hand, but he retracted when it happened to be his left. He offered up his right in turn. You smiled softly, placing it on your now rounder stomach. "You probably won't be able to feel it yet, but it's happening. . .there." He grinned, content to hold his hand to your soft skin, basking in the knowledge that his kid was moving. That you were the one he was getting to share this with, no matter what got you two to this point. Your voice was a whisper then, and not one directed to him. "I knew you could hear me already." ____ Clint Barton was always an observant man. 

A true champion of the human condition. 

Okay, okay. . .he was a total softie. And the sight of his friend and her baby daddy bonding after being estranged for almost five months? That shit made his heart melt. Nat was the hard ass; he was the romantic. Cynical romantic, yes, but a romantic nonetheless. Which is why he stepped from the kitchen in silence, leaving you and Bucky and Baby Barnes to your little moment. He pulled out his phone, dialing his better half. "Nat? I have an idea, but I'm gonna need your help." ___

A/N: I’m sorry this part took so long. School has been a little crazy for me. I changed my major, cried a bunch, had a couple of panic attacks. . .needless to it has been a week and a half™. But I finally got this together and have the last parts partially prepped. I hope you like it! 

Links are messing with posts, but I tagged all of the parts for Too Attached as #Too Attached. If you haven’t read the others and would like to, you can search that tag or Masterlist (all parts are linked there).

Feedback is always appreciated and PART 4 IS COMING!

Also, here’s some background for this part: 

I’ve been really doing research on pregnancy to make sure I get the reader’s symptoms and description right. The reader is twelve weeks along in this part. She’s experiencing 12 week symptoms (quickening, mood swings, cravings), but is described as looking further along (which can happen if the baby is going to be big or is actually twins). It’s why Bucky could see her bump when he first arrives and why she says she looks like she’s five months instead of three in the previous part.

Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel or MCU characters. 

Too Attached Taglist (sorry if I missed anyone!): @lovely-geek @imaginecrushes @prettybubblesintheair @wassupbitchesssss @gravedollie666 @bumblebeedaddy @jessieray98 @lilulo-12 @athroatfullofglass @chipster-21 @hiddlestonstansworld @francezka10 @janineabad @gracelynn318 @pineapple-hemmings @chipilerendi @klmpun @queenophelia @calicokitkat @yallgotkik @lillovin84 @nishanki1 @lookwhatyoumademequeue @thetimidsarcasticcat

[q--uee--n]

So, here’s Part 1 of my shamelessly pandering, fluffy Post-Zero Requiem headcanons/notes because I just want everyone to be happy and content and I don’t care how unrealistic some of these are. fuck

(Note: the following 999.9% disregards Re;surrection and falls in line with the events of the original series.) 

Suzaku (Zero)

• at first throws himself into being Zero and protecting Nunnally, not at all thinking he deserves anything but the misery that’s been placed upon him. 

• mistakingly believes Nunnally hates him for murdering her brother. She ultimately sets him straight, and though they’re fairly close, there are still moments where Suzaku’s guilt becomes an obstacle to their relationship.

• for the first few months, he is cold and stoic as Zero, but as time passes and he grows into the role, he begins to soften. Still, his Zero is relatively distant and mute compared to Lelouch’s grand, theatrical version. 

• misses the hell out of Euphemia and Lelouch (even if his relationship with the latter was more complex than a Rubik's Cube) but, over time, slowly reconciles with their deaths. Slowly especially applies to Euphy’s case. It took a while, but he eventually limits his visits to Euphy’s memorial from once every two weeks to once a month to once every other month to once a year (in the distant future). 

• formally reconnects with Kaguya after she brusquely informs him that she’s aware of his identity. She manages to swindle him into having tea with her. Every week. It’s at one of these meetings where he breaks down and apologizes for all the pain he’s caused her, but she reassures him that she’s just happy they’re together again. They often simultaneously laugh and gag at the fact that they used to be engaged, and Suzaku becomes so attached to her, Kaguya’s guard detail starts to become suspicious of his intentions.

• on the subject of his relationships, he, against all odds, becomes close to C.C. and even closer to Kallen. He and C.C. have a weird understanding based on their love for Lelouch, and he bonds with Kallen (once she maneuvers around her own issues) over their mutual painful experiences, which is where they find common ground. 

• Gino discovers his identity by accident. Milly does so on purpose. Both are rather bizarre, cautionary tales, but as a result of them, Zero’s personal associates are up by two. 

• ironically has a large following among small children, who are at the receiving end of his softest interactions with the public. Mothers everywhere adore him just for that. As do stores that make the most profit selling Zero birthday cakes. 

• unironically has a large following among horny young adults. Is the topic of a popular tabloid, Zero Weekly, which mostly speculates about his sex life and what he looks like underneath the mask. He’s scandalized by the magazine, as are Kallen and Nunnally, but C.C. and Kaguya love it.

• utilizes multiple disguises, in part because Kallen refuses to be seen in a public setting with him while he’s Zero for a second time and the rest is because Nunnally just likes putting together outfits for him. 

• in the little free time he has, his hobbies consist of feeding the stray cats he’s accumulated over the years, reading poetry (it reminds him of Lelouch and a kinder time when they were friends), and watching the ridiculously bad American soap operas he swears he doesn’t watch. Their content should make bad memories surface, but they’re just so horribly acted, the effect falls flat.

• only after years of it being drilled into his head, he eventually accepts that he doesn’t have to be alone if he doesn’t want to and that the whole Zero thing doesn’t have to be completely miserable. 

• still healing from, well, everything but has acquired a loyal support base in the few friends he has, and though he still doesn’t quite think he deserves any happiness he’s found, he’s in too deep to reject it (and there’s no way in hell that anyone will let him). 

• cries the first time someone says they love him, halfway out of disbelief because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of anyone’s love and halfway out of relief because he’d never imagined there’d come a day where the phrase was directed at him again.

C.C.

• hangs around after Lelouch’s death because she can, not because she, god forbid, cares about the people in her life. Nope. Not at all, thank you very much. 

• lives in Suzaku’s quarters in the palace until he gets so frustrated by the pizza boxes piling up in his room that he asks Nunnally to give her her own space. C.C. is more than happy to move when she learns the room is Cheese-kun-themed. 

• formally befriends Kallen after the realization that they’re both assholes with trust issues. They have bi-monthly girls’ nights of epic proportions, ones that usually culminate in a single whopping bad decision. 

• is both intrigued and gobsmacked by the fact that Suzaku is still so cordial to her despite the circumstances and the things she puts him through daily. He’s the opposite of Lelouch in every way, but that’s what draws her to him the most. 

• may or may not be attracted to Suzaku. It’s hard to tell. 

• is online friends with Milly. Neither is aware of the identity of the other, but they’re nonetheless a powerful force that troll the internet with spam and shitposting.

• no one knows her real name. Except for Kaguya, of all people, and no one knows how or when or why they became close enough to be on first names basis, and it just doesn’t make sense at all, to the point where Kallen loses sleep at night thinking about it.

• once recounted the time Benjamin Franklin told her off to Suzaku after he returned from a particularly despondent assignment. Afterward, they stayed up eating pizza and reminiscing over fond memories they had of Lelouch, which allowed Suzaku to see a kinder, more vulnerable side of C.C. for the first time. It also marked the beginning of their weekly sleepovers, though they don’t refer to them as such.

• sometimes goes riding with Nunnally on weekends. The younger girl reminds her of her brother, and like his, Nunnally’s heart is pure and kind. She gives C.C. a warm feeling similar to the one she got from Lelouch.

• is constantly traveling and moving about but always returns to Nunnally and Suzaku’s side at their residence in Japan. 

• is well aware of the fact that everyone she’s come to accept as friends will die while she’ll remain living. This is her biggest point of contention, and she contemplates leaving more often than not, but she stays because she can’t leave.

•  "I said that Geass was the power of the king which would condemn you to a life of solitude. I think, maybe, that's not quite correct. Right, Lelouch?"

• has stopped accumulating experience and started living.

Kallen

• finishes her last year of high school and, soon thereafter, becomes a full-time college student. Focusing on her education, she takes time off the Black Knights but still works as a reserve officer and is never without the key to her beloved Knightmare Frame. Because just in case, and Rakshata is always updating the Guren. 

• resented Zerozaku for months following the Requiem, even though she knew everything that happened was all according to Lelouch’s plan. She overcomes her negative feelings after coming across Suzaku at Euphemia’s grave and realizing he knows the pain she’s suffering. She finds that maybe they aren’t as different as she thought.

•  proves vital in helping Suzaku heal and vice versa. They’re both disasters, and they’re opposite in every sense of the word, but all that means is that they never manage to stunt each other, even when they just can’t understand each other.

• after they become friends, C.C. is her second most contacted person. Milly is her first because that woman cannot be trusted. 

• begins a charity in her brother Naoto’s name with the help of her mother. The charity is dedicated to reuniting families displaced by the war. 

• discovers she has an extremely high alcohol tolerance once she’s of age and could outdrink anyone at any time (”yes, Tamaki that also applies to you. ...Please, Ohgi’s son has higher tolerance than you”) but generally doesn’t fuck with alcohol because she doesn’t like the idea of becoming dependent on it. She makes enough bad decisions on her own, thanks. 

• is, like various other members of the original Order of the Black Nights, a hero of the rebellion and a bona fide celebrity, though she still has to work to support herself and her mother and is a tad bitter about that. Especially considering she has all the other “privileges” of celebrity such as sporadic street interviews while she’s on her commute to work.

• because of that one time she danced with Zero at that one party, everyone assumes they’re together, and the media plays it up. She can’t count the number of times she’s had to call in to news stations falsely referring to her as “Zero’s paramour”.

• “True or false? Are you involved with Zero?” “...Involved with–I’m not–who said–” “Ah. You hesitated. Does that confirm our suspicions?” “I didn’t hesitate because that shouldn’t have been a question” “Well, a source close to you informed us of the fact that–” “Source? What source–?” *cue the moment she realizes that the source is C.C. Or Milly. Or both.

• Gino is the source.

• sleeps over at the palace at Nunnally’s invitation when her mother isn’t home and she’s feeling particularly lonely, sometimes sandwiched between C.C. and Suzaku in his room but the bed is more than large enough. It’s weird but it’s comfortable and it makes her feel that much more secure.

• grows out her hair. By the time she’s twenty-two, it’s almost as long as C.C.’s.

• still loves Lelouch with all her heart, but does eventually become open to pursuing a relationship. (”Gino wants to go out with you, doesn’t he? Why don’t you just say yes?” “Just because I said I was open to dating doesn’t mean I want to date Gino, C.C.” “I suppose you’re right. Although that could be because you want to fu–” “One more word out of you and I’ll put Cheese-kun in the shredder.”)

• changes her legal surname to “Kozuki”.