#one of them is the guy i had already matched with on tinder that ill probably actually go out with

[bittsandpieces]

I've had two customers ask me out in the past week and ngl based on the interaction I just had I think there's gonna be a third one soon

[nctsworld]

two nights, one you

✩‌ jaemin ‌x‌ ‌reader‌ ‌|‌ fuckboy!jaemin | strangers (who f*ck) to (brief) enemies to lovers | ‌10.9k 

SUMMARY‌ ‌⇾‌ a last-minute one night stand gone awry is extended into two nights when you’re snowed in at the cute (but rude) stranger’s apartment on christmas eve. [loosely based on the movie, two night stand] // part of the x-mas in ncity collection  GENRES ⇾ crack | smut | fluff  WARNINGS‌ ‌⇾‌ ‌lots of bickering and dialogue, smut, oral s*x (f and m receiving), fingering, mentions of alcohol/drinking, swearing, bit of angst before the end, jaemin’s an asshole... or is he? RATING‌ ‌⇾‌ explicit TAGLIST ⇾‌ @infnteen​ 

AUTHOR’S NOTE ⇾ it’s late (and long fsldkm), srysry but here it is! i hope the humour comes out in this and look away if falls flat zzz fingers crossed that i can finish the last two installments for this collection asap! 

⇾ gif created by me, please don’t repost or share without credit!

Maybe it’s because it’s the evening of Christmas Eve Eve and you’re feeling more lonely than usual.

Maybe it’s due to the two glasses of wine you guzzled down in the span of fifteen minutes that get you buzzed.

Maybe it’s your prominent six-month dry spell and you’re in desperate need for some much needed rain in your drought.    

Or maybe it’s just pure impulsiveness.

Regardless of the reasons, you’re aiming to get laid tonight.  

It’s 9:45pm as you make the rounds on Tinder. You’ve used it in the past, searching for a relationship in vain, but haven’t used it much since you broke up with your last partner. Bringing the app alive again, you’re already bombarded by distasteful messages, off-putting one-liners and jokes, and swiping left more than you’d like.

You haven’t had a one-night stand before, but isn’t there anyone on here that is just a little bit attractive, nearby where you are, around your age, and is somewhat chivalrous about the topic besides saying DTF? Maybe you need to lower your standards if you want to get dicked down tonight.

But then, you land on him.

One Na Jaemin, 20 years old, and only four miles away from you.

Scrolling through his profile pictures and Instagram feed, you assume that he’s into photography, is on the athletic side from the various hobbies he partakes in, and he must be at least half-aware of his beauty because there’s the occasional pic that shows off his lean, toned arms, which, if you can be frank, is more flattering than the shirtless ones you constantly see. Oh, and he attends the same university as you.

The cherry on top? His bio is simple and upfront:

“Not up for anything serious, but always down for a good time ;)”

You swipe right without hesitation.

“It’s a Match!” flashes instantly at you. Your mouth swings open in disbelief.  

Usually, you’d wait for your matches to message you and play hard-to-get, but not tonight. Tonight, you’re initiating and leading all the conversations, completely driven by your thirst.  

Messaging Jaemin is a breeze. He types with more than half a brain, and he flirts, but it isn’t overwhelming or repulsive. Segueing the current topic, you drag your bottom lip upward as you send the following message:  

so, hypothetically... if one were to have good time with you would tonight work?

Not even twenty seconds later and he replies with:

-wow, dont you go straight to the point -im impressed -but yeah -tonight works ;)

He’s quick to send his address.

-let me know when ur here and ill come get you out front!

Smacking your lips together, you squeal to yourself in the comfort of your home, excited to meet with him, but then a thought hangs over you—this feels a little too good to be true. Horrible scenarios run through your head, so your fingers dash across your phone’s keyboard:

tbh i haven’t really done this b4 so im kinda new to this is it ok if we video call or smth? gotta make sure you’re real and not a serial killer i’m sure you understand 😛

-for sure for sure -totally get it -ive had my fair share of fake girls and serial killers so i feel u 😛

Grateful for his consideration, you rush to rearrange your hair after you send him a Zoom link, hoping you look decent enough to not have him back off from his initial offer. He appears in the video call on his phone with the front-facing camera on a few seconds after you connect.

“Hi,” you chirp.

A corner of his mouth lifts. “Hey.”  

Okay, he’s definitely cuter in real-time than in his pictures.  

“You know, I’m not gonna lie, but I lowkey expected to see a dick or something,” you joke in an attempt to dispel your nervousness.  

“Same,” he chuckles, running a hand through his black hair.

Oh God, he’s not just cute—he’s devastatingly gorgeous.

“So, this is my place...”

Jaemin moves around with his apartment in the background, revealing his living room first. Envy prods you as you note the brick walls, high ceiling windows, and well-appointed furnishings.

Recalling his address, you ask, “How’d you get a place in the heart of the city?”

“Lucked out,” he shrugs. His phone shakes a bit as he’s still moving. “My friend slash roommate—who is at his girlfriend’s place tonight, so we have the place all to ourselves—his parents own the condo and they gave me a friend discount on the rent.”

He finally stands in one place and turns the light on to reveal a room. “And this is my bedroom.”

Nothing out of the ordinary. A desk table with a gaming set-up, in tow with a gamer chair, and a decently-sized bed beside a nightstand.

“Oh, and here’s my closet.” Jaemin’s on the move again as he opens his closet doors. “Just to make sure you don’t think I hide the skins of my past one-nighters in here.”

A bubbly laugh rises from you. “Okay, I didn’t think of that before, but now you’ve planted the seed in my head. Maybe you hide them in the other rooms.”

“Nah, my roommate would kill me if I did.”

Both of you laugh in unison, and you bob your head with puffed cheeks.  

“Okay, it all seems very promising. I’m going to get ready and I’ll guess I’ll see you in a bit, Jaemin.”

“Sounds good,” Jaemin nods, then winks. Although you’re sitting down, he’s still able to get you weak in the knees. “See you soon.”

You end the call and rush to bundle up for the snow starting to come down outside. A twenty-minute train ride later, you’re at the front door of a rustic, industrial apartment complex. After informing Jaemin you’re outside, you glance up at the snowflakes falling from the dark pink-grey sky, anticipating for what comes next.

Sex with a hot guy, what can go wrong?  

So, you must’ve jinxed it because the sex is...  

Unsatisfying. Finished faster than you’d like it to be. Sadly, overall disappointing. If you had to rate it, three out of five stars, at best.

But hey, he came, and you sort of did, and it wasn’t the worst sex you’ve ever had. It half-quenched your dry spell.

And enough happened that it tired you out, leaving you passed out in the handsome stranger’s bed until morning.

In the morning, your eyes slowly flicker, unused to the foreign, sweet scent engulfing you in your bed. Correction: Jaemin’s bed.

Your eyes flicker faster as you glance through the almost wall-sized window. The snow hasn’t let up from last night. On the contrary, it seems like it’s snowing non-stop. You groan at the thought of going home in this weather.

The bed is without Jaemin’s presence as you reach for your phone on the nightstand. 10:36AM and a few notifications greet you. You rub your eyes and start combing through them, rising upward to sit up on the bed.

“Morning. You’re finally up.”

Peering up from your device, Jaemin’s standing by the door with folded arms. His plain sweater and sweatpants match the colour of his hair. The dazzling smile he gives is so contagious, you’re not even conscious of catching one too.  

“Out you go.”

You blink.

Once, twice, and then you tilt your head as you stare blankly at him, uncertain if you heard him correctly.

After a few moments, because you’re not moving an inch, his smile dissipates and he cocks an eyebrow in expectancy. A serious expression rolls over his face.  

Suddenly, Jaemin strolls to the side of the bed and hitches his thumb towards the door.

You definitely heard him right.

And he’s dead-serious.

You replay the video call from last night, dissecting how you thought he was nice and funny and—

Realization dawns on you.

Why would you expect anything more from a two-faced fuck boy?

Still awestruck by the situation, you’re still solid as a statue, so Jaemin takes matters into his own hands and grasps you by your elbow, casually dragging you from his bed like he’s taking out the trash.  

“What the fuck?!” you screech.

“C’mon, let’s go. Out out.”

“My clothes, though!” you protest in the middle of the hallway. He sighs in frustration, scurries to the bedroom, and returns with a small pile in his arms, then continues to drag you to the front door.  

“Are you always this pleasant with your guests the morning after?” you rage, putting on the rest of your clothes by the door. “You don’t even have the decency to offer me tea or coffee?”

“This was a one-night stand, not a bed and breakfast, sunshine,” he says as he watches you put your shoes on. He’s folding his arms again and leaning against the wall, his attitude dripping with smug. If he wasn’t a stranger, you’d punch it off his face. “You weren’t kidding when you said you were new to this, huh?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!”

“It means you’re a borderline virgin who needs to toodle-loo, get going and gone because you’re overstaying your welcome as we speak.”

Finishing putting on your coat, you’re fuming as your jaw hangs at the personal jab over your skills in bed. Jaemin swings the door open and shoves you through it.

“But I’ll admit, it was still nice having sex with you!” he chimes with a sickening grin and a hand on the door.  

“Aw, thanks asshole, wish I could say the same,” you sarcastically reply, resting a palm upon your chest.  

He scoffs. “From what I heard last night, I think I can confidently say that you had a great time.”

Flashbacks replay in your mind of your screaming fest from underneath him. Little did Jaemin actually know—

“You know, for someone who I assume has many one-night stands,” you spit with squinted eyes. “I’m surprised you can’t tell when girls fake it.”

You must’ve hit a sore spot because he grinds his teeth and you could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.

Oh yeah, you’re definitely the winner in this fight.

“Okay, you know what, Merry Christmas and fuck you. Have a great life!”

“Fuck you, dickface. Wishing you a miserable Christmas!”

With a bitter smile, you flip him off as he slams the door in your face.

Carrying a basket filled with dirty clothes, Jaemin’s on the way down to the laundry room in the basement of his apartment with his shoulder scrunched up, squeezing his phone to his ear.

“Bro, she had the audacity to say that I didn’t make her come when she was screaming my God damn ear off—”

As he steps down the short flight of stairs and passes by the foyer area by the main entrance to the building, he notices you’re still here.

“Shit, uh, Jeno,” he mumbles. “I’m gonna have to call you back.”

He stuffs his phone into the pocket of his sweats and calls out to you as he strides closer. “Are you resorting to stalking me by my front door now?”

With crossed arms, you peer over your shoulder, eyes full of bitterness.

“Like I wanna be anywhere near you right now,” you grumble. You jerk your head towards the thick, wooden door. “It’s jammed from the snow.”

The laundry carrier shakes his head and places the basket onto the floor. “A little snow never hurt anyone. You’re probably just too weak.”

Stepping aside and holding out an arm, you signal for him to give it a try.

Jaemin twists the handle and, lo and behold, it doesn’t open. His forehead crinkles as he tries again and again, using more force each time.

Glancing through one of the partially frosted windows adjacent to the sides of the door, he notices the snow has piled enormously high, almost to the height of his chest.

“Well, shit.”  

Reluctantly, Jaemin brings you back to his apartment. You’re technically his guest and if he left you in the foyer to freeze, trouble would surely come his way, whether it be in the form of his landlords (also known as his roommate’s parents) or the police.

Without a word, he settles a spoon in a bowl, a carton of milk, and a box of cereal onto the small kitchen table.

At first, you stare at it venomously in rejection, thinking you can easily last a day without any hand-outs from this son of a bitch, but your stomach roars ferociously three seconds later.

As you chew across from him, you enjoy the company of your phone over him, while he does the same but with a cup of coffee in hand.

After finishing your food, you adamantly place your phone down and lean back into the chair, boring holes into his head.

“Why are you such an asshole?” you seethe observantly.

“Why are you such a bitch?” he retorts, not pulling his gaze away from his phone.

“Because you started it,” you say slowly, stating the obvious.

“No, you.”

You sigh defeatedly at his childish behaviour. The weather apps predict the snow will (hopefully) die down by tomorrow morning, thus you’re officially stuck with him for the next twenty-four hours or so. Your hands rake through your hair.

“Whether we like it or not, the snow isn’t going away until tomorrow. Merry Christmas Eve to us, I guess.”

He’s still glued to his phone. You exhale another sigh.

“Since we’re not getting out of this until then, can we just...” You soften your voice. “Start over?”

His eyes are still on the screen, but from the way his shoulders tense and how he stops scrolling, you know he’s considering your proposition.

“At least call a stalemate over this.” You drift your hand in the air, gesturing between you and him.

Blowing out air and shaking his head, he rests his phone onto the table.

“Fine.”

He crosses his arms, imitating you, and the two of you sit there, staring at each other in a long silence.  

One minute, to be exact.

You’re the one to break the silence game by running your hands over your face, letting out a hybrid of a groan and laugh.

“God, the fact that we had sex makes this kinda awkward, huh?”

Jaemin’s exterior melts slightly, letting out a snicker. He shrugs, “Then let’s just pretend that we didn’t have sex.”

“We can’t just pretend that we didn’t have sex,” you say, holding two upturned palms near your face.

“We did it, it’s done. I’ve seen your penis, you kicked me out, and you labelled me a prude—” You dart a finger towards him. “—which I am far from, by the way. All of those are pretty huge things.”

One of the corners of his mouth raises high. “Are you saying my penis is huge?”

“No, the implication of said penis is huge. Wipe that smirk off your face.”

He stretches an arm, holding an imaginary microphone to your face. “Do you deny that my penis is huge?”

Rolling your eyes, you swat his fist away. “What am I, on trial here?”

“Do you plead the fifth then?”

Annoyed, you roll your eyes again. Why do you get the feeling that you’re probably going to be doing this a lot more today? Another feeling tells you that if you don’t answer his question, he’ll probably pester you until you do.

You tilt your head side to side. “It’s... decently sized.”

“Bigger or smaller than average?”

“Perfect...” His eyes light up. “...ly average.” And a frown rolls over.

He squints his eyes accusingly at your sneer. “Are you lying like you did before about faking it?”

You scoff. “I wasn’t lying about faking it, and I’m not lying now about your average sized dick.”

Jaemin releases a disgruntled grumble and lifts his cup to his face. You notice he likes to take his coffee black and bitter, presumably like his heart.

“So, Miss I’m-Not-A-Prude-and-I’ve-Definitely-Had-Sex-Before.” His eyebrows perk up on the word definitely. “What’s your story? Why the last minute one-night stand?”

Shrugging your shoulders to your ears, you reply, “Haven’t had sex in a while.”

“When’s the last time you had sex?” he asks mid-sip.

“Half a year ago,” you respond nonchalantly, perching your chin into your palms.

Jaemin immediately chokes, almost spraying the coffee through his nose.

“Half a year?!” he gasps. It takes him a few hits to his chest to dispel the coughing. “Six months?!”

“Wow, you can count!” you exclaim in a condescending tone. You change the position of your hands so that your chin is now atop of the back of your curled fingers and tilt your head. “Can you also spell?”

“As a premed student, I can assure you that I am capable of doing both,” he says with a slight strain due to the coughing fit. The humble brag brings on another eye roll. Of course he’s a premed student with the attitude he wears.

“It’s just—” He clears his throat and swallows the last bit of coffee stuck in his windpipe. “—The last time I had a dry spell was for like, a month, tops.”

So the fuckboy gets laid way more on the daily than you expect. You’re torn between being envious over how much action he gets in comparison to you, or remorseful, since you’re now just one of the many notches on his bedpost.

No matter, sarcasm is always the best defence mechanism.

“Good for you, Jaemin. I’m sure you’re very proud of that.”

There’s an awkward beat. His head hangs for a moment while his thumbs stroke the sides of his cup. A strange pinch of guilt occurs. Did you overstep an unspoken line? But then he drags himself back to reality in a heartbeat.

Jaemin brings the cup to his mouth again, mumbling, “At least the sex on your part makes more sense now; you’re rusty as fuck.”

Completely aware of what he said, you trash your guilt entirely and narrow your eyes. “What did you just say?”

Following a long sip, he hums, “Mmm, nothing.” Soon after, he stands up with his cup.

“I’m gonna go game now. Feel free to watch Netflix on the TV and stay in the living room.”

As if you had anywhere else to go...  

He begins to walk towards his room as you mutter under your breath, “I’m not a dog.”

“Says the bitch,” he pipes up, taking you by surprise.  

“Thought we had a stalemate?!” you shout, leaning your head forward as you watch him entering his room.  

“Doesn’t mean we’re on peaceful terms!” he sing-shouts.

The flinging of the closed door echoes throughout the apartment.

Regret surges through you. You just had to choose a fuckboy fluent in assholery and end up incidentally being isolated with him during a snow storm on Christmas Eve.

You wonder if you can handle being around him for the next twenty-four hours without killing him first.

During the afternoon, you’re on the living room couch, playing a show as mostly background noise while you’re on your phone. At one point, your phone unsurprisingly begins to die and you tread over to Jaemin’s door to ask for a charger and if you can also take a shower. He’s still annoyed by your existence, but at least he hands you a charger and lets you know where the extra towels are.

Stepping into the living room with the towel in your hand as you dry your hair off, you peer out the large living room window and see nothing but white engulfing the streets and buildings as far as the eye can see.

You pray the snow will eventually stop as soon as possible so you can head back home.

By the middle of the afternoon, Jaemin emerges from his bedroom and shocks you by plopping down on the opposite end of the living room couch from where you’re sitting.

“Bored?” you ask, eyes fixated on the TV screen.

“Nope,” he replies, popping the p as he says it. His slings his arm around the top of the couch.

“Gotta keep an eye on you in case you do something.” Turning away from the screen, he faces you and motions circles with his hand. “You’ve got a little crazy in you, I can feel it.”

You quickly glance over at him, but try to refocus on the TV. “Need I remind you that you’re the crazy one, dragging me out of the apartment right as I woke up.”

That compels him to turn his whole body towards you. “Well, you’re the one who wanted a last-minute one-night stand.”

You match his stance. “As if I’m the first girl in your bed to stay in the morning?”

“Actually, yeah.” He aggressively tilts his head to one side. “Most girls leave before I even get up. The other percentage don’t fight me when I ask for them to go, so it looks like you’re the odd one out.”  

You press your lips together, refusing to admit that maybe he has a point, under the assumption that he’s telling the truth.

Jaemin twists his body back to the screen and adds, “I make it very clear on my profile that I don’t do morning afters, sweetheart.”

And you agree that his profile is clear about his intentions, but that doesn’t mean you can condone his shitty behaviour.

“Well, sorry that I expected just an ounce of respect instead of getting kicked to the curb after you stuck your dick in me,” you grumble, shifting back to the show and crossing your arms.

“Morning afters lead to attachments, and attachments lead to feelings, and feelings lead to relationships,” he says the string of words clinically, as if it’s a mantra that he lives by.

Your eyebrows knit together as you whip your head towards him once more, studying him.

“And what’s so wrong with that?”

Deliberately averting your gaze, Jaemin grates his tongue between his teeth, a slight tsk audibly heard, and his chin juts out. There’s definitely a story behind his ways. He huffs and changes the subject.  

“Seriously?” He holds a hand out. “You’re watching this trashy show?”

Squinting your eyes at him, you could probably interrogate him further, but you decide otherwise.  

“It may be trashy,” you concur, looking at the TV. “But it’s my trashy comfort show.”

Following an over-the-top acted out scene between the show’s main love interests, Jaemin shoots up from the couch.

“Yeah, no, I can’t handle this. Can we either put on something else or game or something?”

“Why don’t you go back to your room to game, Mr. I’m-Not-Bored?”

“Like I said, I gotta keep an eye on you,” he says while bending over in front of the TV, already setting up the Playstation. He tosses you a controller as he strides to his side of the couch again.

He mumbles to himself, “Need to make sure you don’t go crazy from the lack of human interaction.”

Either Jaemin is selfish and only looking out for himself, or he wants to make sure you’re not feeling lonely in a stranger’s home.

Likely the first reason, you deduce—because why would a guy like Jaemin care about a mere one-night stand?

Admittedly, you’re not the best at games, especially at fighting ones. You can comprehend the move lists, but you like to live by button smashing the controller and repeating moves over and over.  

So it’s hilarious when you beat Jaemin every round with your surprisingly fruitful technique.

“Okay, this is bullshit,” Jaemin complains, sticking his tongue out in irritation. His ass is currently being handed to him on a plate again since you’re almost done killing his character off. “You must be lying to me; you have to be a pro player or some shit.”

Jaemin’s health bar is dangerously low as your character jabs his with a sword. He winces out loud and you snicker.

“Why do you think I always lie about everything?! Dude, you have serious trust issues,” you joke before you steal the opportunity to slice his character. One more hit and he’s done for.

“I do not! I just—nooo!”

You rise to your feet and pump your arms in the air, turning in circles in joy over yet another win.

Sulking, Jaemin eyes your little dance from his end on the couch, but as he watches you more, a feeling balloons in his chest. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

Finally coming down from your post-win high, you spot an emerging grin from the corner of your eye, making you pause.    

“What?” you eye him suspiciously.

Your suspicion pops the sensation in his chest and, like a fish out of water, his eyes widen and his grin melts away.

“Nothing, uhm.” He ruffles his eyebrows and palms the back of his neck, quickly facing the TV. “Let’s go one more round and then we can switch to another game—”

Suddenly, the TV and surrounding lights switch off. Both of you waver your eyes, anticipating for them to come back on, but they unfortunately don’t.  

Jaemin rushes over to the window. When he swivels his head towards you, his face darkens.

“Looks like it’s at least the whole block. The streetlights are out too.”

Without another word, he dashes to the linen closet and brings back several blankets. He calmly explains that there won’t be heat since it’s connected to the electricity, so it’d be best to keep warm with the extra layers.

Not wanting to scare you, he doesn’t add the fact that due to the huge windows in the apartment, more unnecessary cold air will come in, but you’re already cognizant of it from your own logic and since the remaining heat dissolves rapidly.

You groan and retreat into the massive blanket over your shoulders, turtling your head.

You can’t believe you’re going to fucking die in this asshole’s apartment on Christmas Eve.

On the ends of the couch in your makeshift blanket jackets, both of you attend to your phones for a while.

From what people and the news outlets are saying, it’s not just the block, but the whole city grid is out. You frantically text your friends, giving updates on how you are and half-jokingly telling them that you’re going to die with your dreadful one-night stand. Some time passes and Jaemin tosses his phone  off to one side.  

“Well, since there’s nothing else to do and we should probably conserve our phone batteries—” You glance up at him from your phone and pout. Slowly nodding in agreement, you toss it aside too. “—why don’t we play a game of ‘I’ll-Give-You-Pointers-on-How-to-be-Better-in-Bed’?”

A smile burgeons on his irritatingly handsome face and your eyes roll. At this point, you wonder if the reaction is conditioned into you. “It’ll be my early Christmas gift to you.”

“Wow, so thoughtful, how could I ever thank you?” You drag the blanket closer to your chest in false gratitude.

You think for a serious moment if you really want to go through with this. Hearing Jaemin run his mouth on you unwarranted is already painful, but to give him the go-ahead to do so? Especially criticizing your skills in bed?  

You blow out a sigh, noting the slightly visible cloud. You’re grateful Jaemin has thick, downy blankets.  

Well, if you’re going to die, may as well know what went wrong, right?

“Fine, but if we’re playing this game, we have to say everything honestly and take the criticism we get.” You point a stern finger. “No rebuttals, just acceptance.”

“Wait.” Jaemin crinkles his face in genuine confusion as his hand peeks out from his blanket.

“You have things to criticize about me in bed?”

Your lips tremble before you burst into laughter. Displeasure is on Jaemin’s tight-lipped face as you laugh for a while, almost keeling over in your blanket ball onto the hardwood floor. “How conceited are you, oh, my fucking God?”

He slices his hand through the air. “I’ve never had any complaints—”

“Because you’re too busy focusing on your own orgasm, you selfish dickwad,” you say as your laughter dies down.  

He sits in his snit for a few more moments until he gets over it.

“Fine, fine,” he huffs. Jaemin knows he’s not going to enjoy this, but he’s the one who suggested it. He can’t back out now. “Let’s just get this over with, you go first.”

With your blanket held by your chest, you hop off your end of the couch and shuffle over in front of him where he’s seated. Beaming, you begin.

“Let’s start with foreplay.” Jaemin’s eyes light up with confidence, thinking he’s at least decent with that. You crush his expression as your lips purse and you shake your head.

“Non-existent.”

“What do you mean?! I kissed you as you took off your clothes.”

You stick your free hand out from your blanket, extending your index finger.

“One: you only kissed my lips. You know, there are other parts of me to kiss, like, I don’t know, my neck, my arms, my shoulders.”

You extend another finger. “And, two: it’s weird to not help someone take off their clothes. Like you’re in a super rush to get somewhere or something—”

“We’re fucking!” he cuts in sharply. “This is a one-night stand, not a relationship.”

Closing your eyes and dropping your head, you pinch the bridge of your nose. You sigh in exaggeration.

“Thought we agreed no rebuttals...” you softly sing-say.  

Jaemin’s head sinks a little into his blanket. “Sorry.”

Removing your hand, you shrug. “Maybe there’s some rule that I don’t know about one-night stands, so this could be on me.”

You start to aimlessly tread back and forth in front of him, dragging the blanket along too. “But fuck, foreplay is foreplay for a reason. You work your way up to the heat of the moment and it makes sex much better, regardless if you’re in a relationship with the person or not.”

“Next point.” You stop walking and direct your focus on him. Pointing your finger and looking him dead in the eye, you ask, “Do you know what a vagina is?”

He snorts with a simper. “Uhhh, is this a rhetorical question?”

“No, I’m legit asking,” you say with a raised eyebrow and snarky smile. “Because when you went down on me, all you flicked your tongue at was the outside of it, also called the labia if you didn’t know.”

“I’m premed, of course I—”

“Which is great! But you didn’t go any deeper nor did you go near my clit.”

You thrust your finger again. “Do you also know what that is?”

“Yes...” he groans with the flickering eyelids.

You swipe your arm through the air. “Maybe make use of it, and not only when you go down on girls. Even during sex, touching it is great.”

“And lastly,” you continue. “I’ll be honest here, you have a decent dick.”

Jaemin waggles his finger. “So you were lying before—”

“I wasn’t lying,” you retort firmly. “But anyways, you’ve got the stuff, but why don’t you put it to better use?”

With the following words, you attempt to gesture with your body and execute moves as graphic visuals. Jaemin giggles at the sight.

“Vary the speeds and the angle, don’t just slam it in me and go crazy fast from the get-go. Build up to the climax. Jesus, I couldn’t even get close to coming because you’re like a jackhammer from start to finish.”

When you finally finish, Jaemin’s giggles morph into hollow laughs. Frustration is blatant on your face, pondering if he even absorbed a single word you said.  

After he calms down, he asks, “Are you done?”

You mumble, “Yeah, I think so.”

The two of you switch places. He shuffles onto his feet with his blanket while you sit back on the couch.

Jaemin pulls the blanket across the floor as he ambles. “Okay, your head game is decent—”

“Excuse you, my head game is strong.”

“Uh-uh, rebuttal,” he points out.  

You sigh. Pinching your fingers together, you drag the invisible zipper across your mouth, then wave your hand, allowing him to resume.

“Your head game is decent. You definitely can deepthroat, but—” He mirrors you from before and extends his index finger.

“One: this happened only a few times, but your teeth scraped against my dick, which is why I assumed you were a borderline virgin.”

You fume silently at the accusation, attempting to not speak up with a heap of rebuttals. But he wasn’t wrong—if you teethed on his dick, that’s a classic virgin move.

“But that’s okay, because we already established that you’re just rusty.” Jaemin flashes you a fake comforting smile as he continues to pace. You flash him one back.

“And two—” He holds another finger out. “Don’t be scared to use your hands and stroke me. Give my dick some love. If it’s too wet, just wipe your hands on the bed or something.”

“Okay, duly noted,” you hum. “Next.”

“Don’t be scared to touch me.”

“I touched you so much during—”

He shoots you a glare. You roll your mouth inward, your lips disappearing instantly.

“Your hands were mostly on the sheets, which is hot, but guys like to be felt up too.”

The attractive individual peers up for a second, thinking to himself. “Even hotter when a girl feels herself up during the fucking, but that’s beside the point. Baby steps, just remember to touch the other person.”

Jaemin does a full-stop and faces you.

“And just... don’t fake it.” Distress is evident in his pout. You hate to admit it, but it’s a little cute. He raises an arm and jerks it in the air. “Why do girls fake it?”

“Because guys with egos like you can’t handle criticism,” you reply bluntly.  

“What are we doing, having this conversation, hm?”

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if it didn’t snow in and keep us here together.” You peel a hand away and gesture to the window. “If I walked out of here this morning, you would’ve just fucked the next girl the same.”

He defends himself, “Faking it just feeds our egos.”

“Yeah, well, if I told you afterwards that I didn’t come, what would you do?”

“Try to make you come in other ways?”

Shaking your head, you scoff. “Guys like you aren’t that considerate.”

“You’re right.” He assents, holding his pointer finger against his chest. “Because guys like me aim to please.”

A brilliant thought leaps in his mind and Jaemin gasps. You can only assume bad things from the wicked smile he sends your way.  

“Why don’t we try it again?”

Perplexed, you squint at him.

“Try what again...?”

“Sex,” he says enthusiastically.

You blankly stare at him.

“You’ve gotta be joking,” you deadpan.

“I mean, there’s nothing else to do and it’ll keep us warm.” 

You continue to stare at him until you groan.

“Oh, my God...” Your blanket droops a bit off your shoulders as you drag your palms across your face. “I cannot believe I’m stuck in this snowstorm with you out of all people...”

Sitting next to you, Jaemin persistently reasons with you. “Think of it also as another learning experience for the future partners we’ll have.”

“Yeah, if we don’t die first!” you shriek.

“We’re not going to die,” Jaemin replies in a mocking tone and a dart of his tongue.  

Outside the window, the snow seems to have slowed down, but not by much.  

God, Jaemin better be fucking right because you want to live to see another day.  

“Fine,” you mutter and match his gaze. “But we have to be vocal throughout the whole thing. Say whatever’s on our mind.”

“Fine,” he agrees to your terms. He produces the same wicked smile again. “But can we film it then? So we can study it after?”

You fire him a death glare that melts his face off, even in the frigid atmosphere.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” he says, waving his hand.

They say that jokes are half-meant true, but you think Jaemin fully meant it. Still in your blanket jackets, Jaemin snags your free hand and leads you to his room.

“You gotta give me credit for trying, though.”

“No.” You shake your head with an unwilling smile creeping on the edge of your lips. On second thought, maybe the joke was a little funny, but you still stand by your opinion that he’s the most annoying person in the world. “I don’t think I will.”

“Thank God Chenle has so many scented candles...”

On the edge of Jaemin’s bed, huddled by the blanket, you watch him light up several large jars, placing them on his nightstand and desk in hopes to brighten the room. It’s already late afternoon, but one could mistaken it for nighttime with the muddy sky due to the snow.

“Is Chenle your roommate?”

“Yeah,” Jaemin answers with a slight shiver, igniting the last candle near the bedside. He removed his blanket when he went to nab the matches and candles. “His girlfriend gets free ones from work, so she always gives him a shit ton, even though he never uses them.”

With a glowing hue against his face, he blows out the match. He makes his way to you, a cocky grin plastered on him, as he says, “Guess we’re making use of them now, though.”

Before you can even respond, Jaemin gets right down to business—sitting beside you on the mattress, he palms your face and drags you in for a kiss. You softly yelp, but immediately reciprocate.

The cover falls off your body as you reach to touch him, fingers drifting over his solid arms.

You don’t want to stroke his large ego, and maybe it’s because you haven’t had anyone else on you in a while, but Jaemin’s kisses are something else.

The cushiony pair of lips always executes enough pressure against your mouth, increasing and decreasing on command in perfect tandem and timing. His hands hover over your waist and the nape of your neck, fingers sinking into your hot skin.  

His mouth trails downward the side of your neck. You crane your head back, indulging in his caresses as soft moans trickle out.

He gently signals for you to recline back and lay onto the mattress, moving the sea of blankets aside. Inclined on his elbow, almost atop of you, his cool fingers glide under your top layers, his thumb stroking against your stomach.

Pulling away from your body, he tugs on the ends of your clothes. You rise from the bed to better the angle for him to discard of them.

The hairs on your skin are standing on end from the frigid air, but you’re too focused on Jaemin’s mouth migrating over your upper arm and your bra-covered chest to care. Without notice, he stuffs a cup of the bra to one side and takes your bosom into his mouth.

Air’s seized from your lungs and your core contracts from the pleasure. Your fingers tug on Jaemin’s luscious locks and his free hand squeezes your unoccupied breast.    

After a few twirls of his tongue and a gentle drawing of his teeth on the pointed tip, he mumbles hotly into your chest while he thumbs your other nipple, “Foreplay still non-existent?”

“It’s better, I guess,” you sigh with fluttering eyes. His chuckling reverberates against your cleavage, a sign of amusement from your obstinacy. A gasp pierces the room as Jaemin repeats his actions onto the other breast.

He aids you in taking off the rest of your clothes and, obviously aware of your goosebumps and shuddering, tells you to get underneath the blankets while he strips himself.

Under the toasty ocean of layers, despite how both of you are bare-boned and how easy it is to jump into the main act, Jaemin purposefully continues to prolong the foreplay. Side by side, your lips meld endlessly; your legs and hands are intertwined in an amorous pretzel.

Jaemin ensures he doesn’t leave any part of you untouched—the pads of fingers virtually graze over every inch of your body. Each grip and drag of his digits sends you in a frenzy. Your chest is pressed into him and your eyes are blinded with desire.

In the back of your mind, you think about how you were right about foreplay working up to the heat of the moment—literally, because you’re dripping, he’s hard, and you two have embraced so much that you don’t need the blankets anymore.  

On the other hand, you wonder if Jaemin was right about skipping foreplay, because with every whisper of each other’s name, the intimacy rises immensely. You don’t know him, and neither him with you, but you’re both freely drowning in one another in a plane beyond the lust.

Although the room’s beginning to smell of a mix of all the scented candles, Jaemin hones in and drinks in your sweet aroma and your entirety behind his hazy eyes and already tousled hair. All of a sudden, one drag of his fingers over a particular sensitive spot on your body makes you giggle.

“I’m ticklish over there.”

“You mean right—” He drums his fingers over the area again. “—here?”

With a toothy grin, he generates more suffering from you and you begin to lively howl. Soon enough, you beg him to stop.

“You’re such an asshat, c’mon, let me live!”

When he ceases, his head hangs over yours and your gazes connect.

The same feeling blooms in his chest from before in the living room.

He gulps as his eyes waver over your face, unknowingly tracing your beautiful features and etching them into his memory.

Your starry eyes. Your glowing aura. Your everything.

You barely register the change in his expression because he quickly tramples on his moment of weakness by kissing you passionately.

Jaemin whips the blankets aside as he lowers himself between your legs. Your eyes are fixated on him, matching his stare, until he starts to devour you by swiping against your lustrous folds. Your back bows, and, following a few more licks, Jaemin makes a point of his knowledge of the vagina by spreading your lips and ravishing your pussy, tongue penetrating deeply.

Rippled moans release in harmony with your undulating chest. You swear you’re getting more wet, too wet, likely making it overwhelming for Jaemin, but he’s eagerly lapping every drop up.  

“How’s that?” he inquires with a grin, hovering over your trembling nether lips. His mouth is evidently glossy, even under the dim lighting.

“Good,” you pant in the most nonchalant tone you can muster up. “Very good-ahhh—”

Jaemin kindly interrupts you by tonguing your clit as he fingers your sex deeply, shattering your fake indifference.

“Move your tongue up more,” you direct, creasing your eyebrows in despair. He follows your direction, and droning moans ensue.

Jaemin’s immersed in your pleasure, but also adding to his own. The more he laps up your wetness, the more he grinds his length against the bed, aching to be inside of you.

Your desire pulses faster, contracting tighter against his fingers, body winding tensely by the second.

“Fuck, Jaemin,” you whine, leaning your head to one side with a parted mouth. “I’m close.”

He draws back and temporarily replaces his tongue with his thumb.

“Good,” he pants, cocking his head to one side. His eyes are filled with determination. “Because I’m not stopping until you come at least two more times tonight.”

You exhale a light laugh. “That’s ambiti-ohgodohgod—”

His tongue works wonders on your clit once more, so much that he has to brace your bucking hips.

Okay, maybe Jaemin did learn a thing or two and actually listened to what you said during your critique.

But now it’s time to demonstrate to him what you’ve learned.

You don’t need much of a break to catch your breath, nor do you want to immediately freeze due to inactivity, so you pull Jaemin in for an intense kiss, tongue dipping into the remnants of your own nectar, then beckon for him to take your former place on the bed.

Perched on the bottom of your feet, you’re on one side of Jaemin, lackadaisically fisting his prominence. After a few strokes, you gradually swallow his inches, keeping in mind to relax your jaw and to not rush in order to avoid any potential teething. You do this to prove yourself worthy of giving head, but also in spite, because you absolutely do not need Jaemin to brand you a virgin again.  

You read his quiet groans and his long fingers running lazily through your hair as a positive sign and advance further.

Carefully, you rest your tongue beneath the underside of his cock and bob your head, licking him until he’s sopping with your saliva. His grip in your hair grows in strength as his length reaches the end of your throat, his groans becoming more and more drawn-out.

A needy whimper leaves him as you suddenly withdraw. Dribbles of your spit follow, and you wipe it off with the back of your hand.  

“How am I doing?” you glow in a pant, lazily stroking the doused shaft.

He simply nods with half-lidded eyes, barely able to look at you. “Yeah.”

You snicker at him in his breathless position, a prickle of pride running through your spine over the fact that you blew his mind as much as you blew his dick.

“Use your words, Jaemin.”

Teasingly, your fingers curl around his blunt head, soothing the sensitive tip and sending jolts throughout him.

“Fuck—” he pulls his bottom lip upward. “Awesome. You’re doing awesome.”

“Anything to critique?”

“Mm-mm,” he shakes his head restlessly. You revel a bit more in having the upper hand on him a little while longer. You grip him tighter and hasten your speed, leaving him gasping for air.

“Am I still rusty?”

“Nope, nope,” he croaks, voice rising to a whine. “Definitely not rusty.”

“You sure?” His cockiness has transferred over to you.

“Yes, yes—fuck, slow down, please,” Jaemin begs.    

Granting his wish, you abate your rhythm and free his inches from your touch.

You wipe your hands on the sides of the bed while Jaemin rummages through the drawer of his nightstand and hastily rolls over the rubber over himself before he prepares to enter the body beneath his.  

Recalling your advice, Jaemin mindfully starts off slow. You sigh blissfully in sync to his thrusts. He adjust himself, attempting another angle, and you draw in air between your teeth.

“There, there—“

Jaemin’s quick-witted and keeps at it, plunging a bit more vigorously. Out of habit, your hands grasp onto the bedsheets, but you wittingly attach them to his frame. Hands grazing his neck, his firm pecs, and his taut muscles.  

“Touch-touch my stomach,” he orders in a hush.

You hands follow through and feel up the flexed valley of his abs. Feeling up evolves into desperate gripping and even the slight dragging of your nails.

“Your abs are so fucking hot,” you state thoughtlessly, eyes eating up the view alongside his cock disappearing in and out of you. “Jesus, fuck.”

“Yeah?” he rasps with that devilish smirk of his. God, you want to smack it off him, but not right now—not when you’re reaching euphoria. “You’re not just saying that?”

Oh, you’ve definitely stroked his ego now, but there’s no turning back. Truth spills from you on a whim.

“You’re a fucking masterpiece,” you gasp acutely.

You’re starting to wither away, yet, as if they have a life of their own, your hands drift away from him and find a new home atop your breasts.

“You make me feel so good, Jaemin...”

Jaemin’s eyes go wide. His mouth hangs at the lewdness of you touching yourself.

“Fuck, holy shit.”

His gaze doesn’t leave your ecstatic face or humming body for a second as you knead your breasts and tweak your nipples between your fingers. Your back arches further when Jaemin deepens his sweet, fulfilling thrusts. He’s holding himself back, not wanting to end this beautiful deed just yet.

The stimulation bursts over your body, both from your own doing and Jaemin’s.  

You plead, “Faster, please, faster.”

And he complies, but he also rubs your bundle of nerves, causing a tight knot in you to build up and your shallow moans transform into heavy screams. You clasp onto his back and claw at the protruding shoulder blades.  

“I’m-I’m—”

You clench, both with your core and your nails digging into him, but Jaemin’s unrelenting, capturing your second peak for the evening.

Instead of coming after you, he shockingly veers lower and closer to you and curbs his pace.

“Was that real?”

You respond with an exhausted nod. Oddly, the smile he shows this time isn’t arrogant, but warm and teetering the line of tenderness. His lips fuse with yours before they stray towards your neck. The passion stews as he sucks your tits, all the while lunging laxly into you.  

With an obscene pop!, Jaemin removes himself from your nubs.

“Ready for the last round?”

His fast thrusts, hitting you precisely in the best spot, cloud your already weakened logic, deterring you from making any response.    

Perspiration is blatant on both individuals. For him, his forehead glistens gorgeously with his damp hair. For you, the back of your bent knees are gluing together. Your bodies are about to pass out, but you both persevere until the end.

As you convulse and perish together in beautiful agony, coincidentally enough, the bulbs in the room and in the streets leap to radiance.

Together, you collapse onto the bed side by side, panting heavily and laughing.

“Told you we weren’t going to die.”

You turn your head to see Jaemin looking at you with a cheeky grin. In retaliation, you stick your tongue out.

By nighttime, it’s finally stopped snowing outside. However, the streets won’t be cleared until morning, at the very least.

But... you’re surprisingly okay with that.

In a turn of events, the sex inexplicably makes the two of you warm up to each other. There still is targeted banter and tension between you, lingering from before, but it’s less hostile and more playful.

During a fancy Christmas Eve dinner of microwavable pizzas, you poke fun at each other’s majors and discuss your respective hobbies in depth, especially his love for photography. Jaemin even asks if he can take a picture of you, claiming that the kitchen lighting actually looks nice on someone for once.  

“Is that how you collect the memory of your one-night stands? Instead of hanging their skins in your closet, you sweet-talk your way and keep all the photos of them?” you joke, referring to the video call from yesterday night. It feels like an eternity ago, but snowstorms tend to do that.

He chuckles behind the camera as he snaps a photo of you scrunching your face cutely.

“Yeah, but you’re the first one who has clothes on,” he says, glancing down at the photo on the camera roll.  

“Ugh, gross,” you cringe and take a sip of tea.

Jaemin doesn’t add anything further. He leaves out the fact that he never keeps any traces of his one-night stands, that you’re the first girl he’s taken a picture of in a while.  

After a few hours of more talking and even some gaming with one another, sleep is much needed. Jaemin offers an extra toothbrush and a sweater and pair of sweats to sleep in. You’re facing each other on his bed, noses almost touching.  

“It’s been a while since I haven’t had sex with a girl before I slept next to them,” he whispers, adjusting himself comfortably. The side of his face rests on his piled hands. “It’s kinda nice.”

You cover your mouth as you yawn, then lay your hand back under your head, reflecting the same position as Jaemin.

“You know, it might be my sleepiness talking, but maybe you’re not the worst person in the world to be stuck with during a snowstorm.”

A lovely chuckle echoes in your ear. “I’m glad you’ve had a change of heart.”

After a few moments, your eyes are fluttering to a close until he softly calls out your name.

“Hm?” you stir awake, but not by much.

“Do you...?”

Jaemin doesn’t know what’s gotten to him, doesn’t quite understand why the defences he built for so long are crumbling down in only a day of knowing you.  

And yet, something urges him to give it a chance.

Blowing out a shaky sigh, he anxiously intertwines his fingers with yours. You hum softly at the action and a small smile blooms on your face.

“Do you want to go on a date with me sometime?”

“Hm?” His question doesn’t take you aback as much as you would be if you were fully awake. But even in your drowsy state, you have quips in hand. “Jaemin, the notorious fuckboy and serial one-night stander, wants to go on a date?”

“Yeah,” he replies gently, brushing your loose hair out of your face.

Another yawn. “I thought you said you don’t want feelings and relationships and all that shit.”

His fingers trace your pretty jawline and shrugs. “One date doesn’t mean we’re going to be in a relationship, I’m sure you know that.”

You pause for a good two seconds, but the two seconds feel like forever for Jaemin.

“Mmm, fine. One date, just one.” You barely hold up your pointer finger. “And only because it’s Christmas tomorrow. ‘Tis the season to be giving...”

Relief washes over Jaemin in the form of a smile. Embracing the blatant feeling in his chest this time, he plants a light kiss on your nose and wishes you sweet dreams, even though you’ve already fallen soundly asleep.  

Sunlight pours over your eyes on Christmas morning.

Déjà vu peculiarly creeps up on you, but the only thing that’s the same as yesterday is waking up in Jaemin’s bed.

He’s next to you this time, deep in his peaceful slumber, instead of waiting for you to leave by his doorframe. The snow has finally stopped, and you think you hear the faint noises of snow plows outside. You inhale deeply and also notice the faded aroma from all the scented candles from last night.

The scenes of yesterday flicker across your mind. The incredible sex. The talking. The dinner. The interlocking of his fingers with yours.

The date he asked you out on.

You stare at him, watching him sleep with a sense of content.

Turning your body, you routinely check your phone, which is charging beside his. You have a slew of Merry Christmas texts from several chats and a few private messages from your friends.

Your attention falls on Jaemin’s phone when it lights up with a notification, likely texts from his friends and family too.

But that’s not what you’re focusing on.

Your heart sinks at the sight of his lockscreen.

It’s a picture of him and a girl kissing.

A twinge emerges in your chest and twists harder and harder.

Jaemin being a fuckboy, you can respect. People can do whatever they want with their lives.

But to cheat?

That’s unforgivable, and a true sin if there ever was one.

You scramble to dash out of there, careful not to make any noises in fear of waking Jaemin up. However, Jaemin’s sensitive to the sounds of the front door, so he rouses awake. His eyes flit open, noticing how you’re gone. He then sees his phone blowing up and adds two and two together.

With his phone in hand, Jaemin rushes to get on a coat and stuffs his feet into his boots, not giving a shit that he’s wearing his thin pajamas in the coldness. He’s bounding down the flight of stairs and onto the bright, white wonderland of the streets.

He swivels his head and catches sight of you almost past down the block, slowly trekking through the thick snow. Jaemin sprints, as much as he can, and hops towards you.  

He yells your name, making others on the street turn, but you don’t. You continue forward without looking back.

“Wait! I can explain!”

You’re trying to gain speed, but cardio isn’t your friend. Thankfully for Jaemin, it’s a close friend for him.

“I don’t wanna fucking hear it, Jaemin,” you grunt, hearing the rapid crunching of his shoes coming closer. “Get lost.”

“No, listen to me for a second.”

The boyish man grasps you by the arm and turns you around. You throw his arm away from you and he holds his hands in the air, letting you know that he respects your space. He drops his hands and sees that you’re seething, even worse than you were when he kicked you out yesterday.

“How are you going to explain your lockscreen with you kissing your fucking girlfriend?! Hm?”

“Ex,” he pants in clarification. “Ex-girlfriend.”

Your eyebrows mesh together in utter confusion.

“Okay? That doesn’t make me feel any better, knowing that you’re still hung up on your ex.”

Jaemin shakes his head and rakes a hand through his hair. You note the large clouds he exhales and how he’s barely wearing any clothes. A tinge of sympathy passes through you, wanting to give him some of your clothes for extra layers, but you smother that quickly in your state of rage.  

“I’m not hung up on her. Remember you asked me yesterday why I don’t want girls to stay the next morning?”

You cock your head impatiently, as if saying, “Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t want to attach myself to girls. I can’t. I...”

He lowers his head to one side. Shutting his eyes, a long puff emits from his mouth.

“She cheated on me.”

The snow plows in the distance can’t compare to the pumping of your heart in your ears. All the feelings you felt in the last day, but especially in the last fifteen minutes, jumble together in your head, making you feel uneasy and unsure of what to exactly feel or comprehend of the situation.  

But you do know one thing, despite the fact that you two barely know each other, the pained look on his face is real—that this is the untold story behind his ways.  

Jaemin lifts his head and holds out his phone for emphasis. “The lockscreen serves as a constant reminder that dating and feelings will and can fuck me up.”

Carefully, he steps a little closer to you and slowly cups your face in his shaking hands. You don’t pull away nor is there the same anger from moments before, so he daintily runs his thumbs over your cheeks.

“Until you showed me yesterday that maybe I’m willing to give it all another shot. Risk it all for fuck knows what, but you make it look like it’s worth it.”

He continues his ramble after adjusting some of your hair from the ongoing breeze.

“Sure, it’s Christmas today, but I don’t want you to say yes to going on a date with me just because it is. I want you to say yes because maybe you like spending time with me just as much as I like to spend it with you.”

You’re completely disoriented—your eyes are shifting everywhere but his eyes and your lips are quivering with no words coming out. He sighs understandingly. 

“Look, I know you’re probably having second thoughts and you don’t have to give me an answer right now. Think on it for as much time as you need, but I want you to know that I genuinely like you and I want to go on an actual date with you.”

He peels his hand away from your face and raises it into the air as if taking an oath.

“I, Na Jaemin, the notorious fuckboy and serial one-night stander, will devote to monogamy once again if it means I can date you.”

His hands grab yours, kisses the back of them, and then he presses one kiss onto your icy cheek prior to walking away.

“Merry Christmas,” he says with a sad smile. “You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Later that evening at your large family’s Christmas party, you take another dreadful gulp of your wine.

It’s the happy holiday season, but why does everyone feel the need to stick their nose in your dating life? Well, really, a lack there of.

“Why are you still single?” Layers of their voices resound the same question in your head. You take another swig.

Potential unsaid answers that you kept to yourself fly around as you swish the drink in your glass.  

Because you choose to be.

Okay, not really, but it’s the easiest answer.  

Because you haven’t found the right guy to get you back in the game.

What does that even mean? What makes the right guy even right?

The right guy? It’s someone who makes you laugh, someone who gives as good as they can take it, someone who wants you just as much as you do.

The cogs move in your head as you take one more sip before you finally come to the conclusion—  

Because you didn’t find the right guy until last night.

Despite the mess of today and yesterday morning, you realize that Jaemin is... actually sort of sweet. Annoying, yes, but he keeps you on your toes. It’s a plus that he’s easy on the eyes, but it’s a bigger plus that he’s even easier to talk to.

And if he can find it in his scorched heart to trust you, you can find it in your heart to trust him too.  

You quickly say your good-byes to your family and let them know you have other plans with friends tonight.

As the Uber rolls up to his apartment building, you realize you probably should’ve messaged him on Tinder, but it’s worth a shot to see if he’s home. Anyways, impulsiveness is a controlling entity, as evident from your Christmas Eve Eve’s adventure.

And in retrospect, perhaps Jaemin was the perfect pick of the crop after all.  

Someone’s entering the building and lets you in behind them. You take the stairs two at a time and hear booming music coming from his floor. At first, you assume it’s from other apartments, but it’s all coming from one—his.

Without a thought, your knuckle taps the door.  

A handsome figure that’s definitely not Jaemin opens the door. Behind him, you see a group of young men scattered around the living room, and some have a few girls tucked under their arms.

The man eyes you up and down with a spark in his eye. He’s not Jaemin, but he surely reminds you of him.

“And who might you be?” he asks.

“Who’s at the door, Jeno?” An unknown male voice hollers in a high pitch from the couch. He’s one of the guys with a girl attached to him.

You blink. “Uhm, I’m—”

“She’s with me!” Jaemin shoves the flirty stranger aside and tugs you by your wrist, making headway to his bedroom. He flips the light switch on and the door clicks shut.

“What are you doing h—”

You cut him off with a kiss.

An innocent one, at first, with hints of alcohol on each other’s lips. Your arms wrap around the other and the passion increases with the mingling of your tongues, each party tasting and confirming the specific drinks you both consumed tonight.  

Jaemin forces himself to pull away and presses his forehead against yours. “Did you just come all the way here to kiss me, or...?”

“Maybe I came over to ask... if I can stay with you for another night?” you playfully ask, fingers intertwining behind the nape of his neck.  

He chuckles heartily. His fingers sink into the sides of your waist. “Is my dick that great? The sex with me that amazing?”

“Mmm, that’s definitely a benefit,” you agree, fluttering your nose against his. “But I want more than that—“ You poke a finger to his chest. “—I want the man behind the dick.”

Your gazes converge, bringing you together as one.

“I want to go on that date with you. I want you, Jaemin.”

He flashes a megawatt smile that could compete with a million Christmas lights, but it fades suddenly and you’re unsure why he seems like he’s about to bawl his eyes out.

“That’s so beautiful, I might cry.” He brings a finger to his eye, pretending to shed a tear.

Oh, yeah—you’re definitely going to need to hire someone to constantly shove your eyeballs back into your sockets if you’re going to date Jaemin.

“Oh, shut up,” you whisper, yanking him in for another kiss.

Three dates later, including a memorable New Year’s Eve, you finally decide to rid of the Tinder app for good.

With his arm around you on his living room couch, Jaemin glances over your shoulder.

“Really? You’re finally deleting your Tinder?”

You snort in disbelief. “That’s gold, coming from the King of Tinder himself. When did you delete?”

He turns to face the television and shrugs coolly.

“Maybe I didn’t.”

“Wouldn’t put it past you,” you nod, eyes still on your phone.

“Nah, I’m kidding, I did.”    

You sharply turn your head.

“No way. When?” you press with narrow eyes.  

A shy smile emerges on Jaemin’s face as he picks his pants over his thighs.

“On the night of Christmas Eve, after you agreed to go on a date with me.”

[heartbreakgrill]

Anyone Else; Calum Hood

You leaned down over Calum’s shoulder, blocking out the bright sunset behind the two of you. He inhaled, reveling in the coconut scent of your shampoo, fused with sunscreen and chlorine-d pool water. He shook his head lightly, reminding himself to open his eyes and focus on the phone in his hand. You lifted your free hand, that wasn’t cradling a White Claw, and pointed at a profile.

“She’s super cute! I feel like she’s your type,” you commented at the picture of a taller girl, sporting fishnets and a Led Zeppelin.

“You think I’m only into girls who like rock?” Calum chuckled a little.

You shrugged, moving away to tug over a free camping chair. You leaned back in, giving Calum the view of your neck as your hair fell away from it. He licked his lips as you spoke again, “I mean, I think you look good next to someone like that based on how you dress and shit. If you’re not into that, dont let me pressure you.”

You giggled and twisted around to look at him. His eyes focused in on yours, “Uh, yeah. Or, no, youre good. Youre not pressuring me. Just helping, right?”

“Right,” you scrunched your eyes in a beat, to show you were somewhat confused by his confusion. “Anyways, swipe right or left and lets move along.”

“Okay.” Cal did as you said, allowing the screen to switch to another girl.

“Oh, no, no, she looks too much like Crystal,” you giggled lightly. “Love Crystal, but that’d be creepy.”

“So I can’t like anyone who looks like anybody in our friend group?” Calum remarked, his heart hoping you wouldn’t break it by what you would reply with.

You wriggled in your seat, “I dont know. I feel like its weird. If they look like Luke, Ill allow it.”

His lips fumbled before his brain could reach out and grasp the words and shuffle them back into a drawer, “What if they look like you?”

“Yeah, right,” you looked back at him, “I’m unique. One of a kind, baby.”

Calum flushed as you spoke. He fumbled again, about to spill again, when Sierra called your name from the pool. “Show me that boy from last weekend?”

You quickly got up, excusing yourself from Calum, and pranced across the concrete patio to the fire pit, where Luke and Sierra were cuddled up, talking to another one of your friends. Calum tried not to break his neck and watch you animatedly talk about your Tinder date last Saturday. Yet he knew it was noticeable he was trying to pry.

He felt a hand slap down on his shoulder and Calum jumped in his seat. Michael took your seat, Crystal trailing along behind and slinking into his lap. “You got it bad, mate.”

Crystal grinned at him, “You really do.”

Calum shook his head, “Dont know what youre talking about.”

“Oh, my God,” Michael pressed his fingers to his forehead, eyes cartwheeling in their sockets. “Seriously, I never understand situations like this. I dont think it’d ruin your friendship if you asked to kiss her and she rejected you.”

“It wouldn’t,” Calum remarked, speaking the honest truth. He shifted in his seat, glancing at you before meeting Michael’s eyes. “But it would ruin me. And I dont really want a broken heart right now.”

Crystal’s eyes widened and she leaned forward. “Cal, is it worse than we thought?”

“Worse?” Michael furrowed his brows, looking between the two before realization hit him like chance. “Oh, shit. Dude?”

Calum stood suddenly, tossing his empty beer can in the garbage. “I’m going home. See ya later.”

He didn’t give them the chance to say anything else as he gathered his damp towel, shoes, and bag from around him. He passed through the kitchen, waving lazily to Ashton and Kay, who were preparing the food for s’mores.

“Not staying?” Ashton called after him.

He heard Kay mutter something else to him and Ashton shocked a small, “Oh.”

You finished telling the story of Matt, who you had gone on a date with last week as Calum was pulling out of the driveway. “Yeah, but I don’t know if I’m going see him again.”

“Why?” Luke asked, puzzled by the fact that you sounded like you were really interested in him for the past five minutes, but didn’t wanna go on another date.

“I dont know,” you crossed your arms. “He’s just not my type. He’s kinda, like, stern. He’s funny, but funny in an unconventional way. He doesnt seem like he’d, I dont know, be playful in a relationship. Does that make sense? i want a guy who can be playful, but who’s mature.”

Sierra grinned to herself, nudging Luke with her elbow. “Yeah, that makes sense. Hey, ya know, Y/N?”

“Hm?” You looked to her.

Luke took over, “We know someone who’s like that.”

“Oh!” You smiled wider, “Who?”

You felt Michael slink an arm over your shoulder, whisper in your ear, “Calum.”

You moved from under him, his weight overbearing to you. “Yeah, okay.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Crystal sat on the couch across from Sierra.

“Nothings wrong. Hes just super out of my league. Plus, I’m not his type. I’m all, strawberries and picnics and, like, Hozier. He listens to Nickelback and he’d rather go to a club than kayak. I dont know, I feel like he wouldn’t like me because of my interests.”

“Cal’s a softer, you know that, right?” Luke replied. “Hes a big rockstar, yeah, but he loves hiking and nature, too.“

“He loves y- ow!” Michael groaned out, Crystal interrupting him with a shove to the ribs.

You gave him a strange look before looking back to Luke, “I know, but still. He’s still out of my league.”

-

The weeks passed, more pool parties and barbecues filling your lengthened free summer days that you weren’t working or going on sporadic Tinder dates. You’d been on five total, with four different guys. Each party brought more stories, more tall tales of Derek, the free lance artist who wore a scarf and ordered you red wine, Gideon, the police officer who hadn’t put his career in his bio, and got slightly upset when you talked about your advocacy for human rights. Spencer was just weird, with piles of facts, criticizing your jokes for being politically incorrect or scientifically impossible. However, Aaron was nearly perfect. He was super sweet, dressed like a normal person, and laughed at your jokes, agreed passionately with your advocacy.

Each time you retold a story, Calum would slide down in his seat, frown at the world around him, excuse himself from the party too soon. You were catching on slightly, smelling the jealousy seeping from his pores, though it was masked by chlorine. You figured he was just jealous because he couldn’t manage to match with a good enough woman on Tinder. So, tonight- though you had to leave early for a date with Aaron- you would most definitely find him a match.

Calum had arrived early to Luke’s house to get the meat started on the grill. He was flipping a few burgers, sipping at his first beer with absentminded concentration. His mind wandered as Luke rambled off his ear about something he saw on Twitter. Luke laughed at a joke he made, while Calum’s eyes lost focus and went blurry. His thoughts swirled with you- your shampoo, and its coconut scent that reminded him of his first crush in middle school. Your eyes were seen in so many, so similar, yet freckled with so much heartbreak and kindness that emitted from your soft spoken lips and light hands that had contact with the stars.

He didn’t care if he would look better next to a girl with jet black hair and a perfect body. He didn’t care if they played bass, too, or if they were famous and loved The Rolling Stones. He didn’t care if she was hard headed and loud. He liked that you were soft and quiet- he was, too. He loved that you dressed so different; your floral patterns went well with his dark jeans t-shirt combos. He didnt care about things looked, just how they felt. And things with you...Hell, you felt good.

Calum jumped as Luke shouted, “Youre burning the burger- Cal!”

Calum dropped his beer can, spilling the liquid all over his bare feet as he grasped for the spatula. He tossed a burnt burger into the trash with a huff, scooping the others onto a tray. “Sorry.”

Luke shook his head, sitting down beside Calum, who was dipping his feet into the water to clean them off. “What’s your problem, mate? You’ve gotten so quiet lately. Especially when Y/N’s around.”

“Part of me is hoping I’ll be able to fight the urge to kiss her if I just stop talking to her. But, then she comes around and i cant stop talking to her. We get on so well,” Calum murmured, though Luke could hear.

“Yeah?” Luke urged him, feeling proud he could get Cal to say so much. He was a quiet person, a loud jokester in social situations, but so soft and enclosed about himself.

Calum shook his head, huffed, “I cant settle for somebody else. I know that sounds selfish and stupid, but she’s all I want. She’s all I’ve wanted since i met her. She’s so perfect and good and...she makes me feel good. I dont know. Its not impossible for her to like me back, but she’s so obsessed with the idea of someone being her type. Its like she’s afraid to just take a chance and love someone who she doesnt have figured out. She wants it all to be certain and specific and exactly the way she expects it to be.”

Luke sighed, creating small ripples with his feet in the pool, “Cal, Y/N is like a literal angel. She’s gentle and quiet and contained and confirmed. She’s perfect, like you said. But, Sierra knows her so well. She keeps herself like that because she’s been heartbroken before. So many times before. She’s scared, yes. But I think shed be willing to give you a chance if you just tell her...tell her exactly what it is.”

“What do you mean?” Calum already knew everything about Y/N. But, he didnt want Luke to think he was obsessive even though she knew everything about Cal, too.

Luke shrugged, both of their head’s turning to the patio door as it opened. “I dont know. But, you do. Just tell her.”

“How will I know if I’m saying the right things?”

“You just will.”

Sierra led you over to a lounge chair, sitting beside you as you slipped out of your sandals and tugged off your shirt. You were left in your bikini top and shorts, a combination that made Calum’s heart palpitate. He took the courage from Luke’s words and stood, walking over to you.

“Yeah, so if he ever wants to...” Sierra trailed off as Calum’s shadow fell over the two of you.

He gave you a shy smile as Sierra grinned and excused herself.

“Hey, Cal,” your lips lifted, eyes following him as he sat next to you. “How’ve ya been?”

“Good, you?” He was shy. He knew you could tell, too. His eyes kept switching between yours and his hands, your lips and...

“I’m okay. A little burnt out. Work has been busy because its summertime. High fashion and stuff, ya know?” You laughed, jabbing at a joke. Your eyes glinted when Calum tossed his head back and laughed.

“Yeah, I know, dont you see my high-end swim shorts?” He made a motion to show off his pants, and you admired him.

“Cute,” you replied. A beat of silence passed before your phone made a noise. You didnt touch it, knowing it was rude to do so, but your brows flicked up. “Oh! Have you matched with any other girls on Tinder? If you haven’t, I’m making it my mission to find you someone else.”

“How am I supposed to think about anyone else?” He blurted out suddenly.

You stopped smiling, blood freezing and your body turning stiffly. “What?”

“Uh,” Calum thought, wondering how he should go about this. “Theres a million little things I haven’t told you. I cant go on keeping them to myself. And pretending I want anyone else.”

You met his eyes and Calum felt the world melt away. Like a focused lens on a camera, he only saw you, your golden little halo. Your shocked expression.

“Cal,” you hesitated, “Aaron.”

“Is he the guy you want to hold you?” Calum whispered.

You visibly shivered, your heart beating out of your chest.

“It kills me thinking of you with him,” he paused, “you and i could have it good. I dont know him, but I know myself, and I know that I can love you so much better than he could.”

You shook your head, sweat pooling on your hands and the back of your neck. “No, Cal. Please. Dont make it hard.”

“It’s not hard unless you make it hard,” Calum spoke as soon as you began to stand.

“No, its not supposed to be hard. I want it to be easy for once,” you said.

Calum grabbed your hand, turning you back around, “It is. I know were so different, and I’m on the road all the time, and I’m fucked up because of people from my past. I know I smoke, and you help clean up cigarette butts in the park and I’m silent when I shouldn’t speak, but if you jump, Ill jump, too. C’mon, please?”

You finally met his eyes, feeling the rhythm of your heart steady. “I know its dramatic, but I’m just so afraid. So many guys have hurt me and made me feel ugly. I carry myself in a way that allows protection and routine. I hate the idea of some disturbance because disturbance has always meant hurt. Cal...i could love you. I think I’m very close to loving you, but i dont know if i can let myself.”

“I do love you, and I’m letting myself,” Calum stepped closer, tugging you to close the distance more. “Just let go.”

With silent permission, his hands slipped around your waist and your clutched his t-shirt. Your fists were tight, your lips stoic. Until you felt a lock pick inside your soul and you relaxed.

TAG LIST: @mantlereid @boxofteenageideas

, @dinosaursandsocks , @ashhdaniellee95 @zhangyixingxing1

[shawn-mendes-post]

Family pt. 2

A/N: Do not own anything. One cuss word.

(Y/N) waddled to the dressing room, running a hand through her long hair that she has been meaning to cut. She was going to be a guest on the Late Late show with James Corden. 

Her mint green long dress showed off her curves and perfectly pregnant belly. After the photo shoot there were tons of offers to go on TV, but she would always turn them down. She did not want anyone knowing her business about the pregnancy or about Shawn because it's no ones fucking business.

****** The Show ******

" You may know her from the countless songs she wrote. With her newest hit taking the music industry by storm. Or seen her on American Horror story  getting pretty steamy with Evan Peter and even in Riverdale getting in between Bughead," James said, clapping along with the audience. 

" Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It is the one and only remarkable (Y/N)."

The curtains open and (Y/N)  walks out, waving and high-fiving people as she descends the stairs. Reaching James, she gives a small handshake, kissing his cheek as she makes her way to the couch. 

" It's great to have you here, (Y/N)." 

" Haha. Well, it's great to be here James. It's actually my first interview. Thanks for having me," She smiles as she smooths out her dress, feeling self conscious about her body. She makes her way to the comforter with a nervous smile as she laughs nervously, hand on her pregnant belly.

" Why is it your first?" 

" I'm going to be honest. I'm really nervous right now and excited too. I'm not one to actually talk about my personal life so that made me wary of being on a talk show. Also, I grew up watching you and I wanted my very first time to be with you," She said, as she places a hand on his, keeping a straight face.

James looks at the audience and lets out a giggle. " Oh you. You know how to make a talk show host feel special," he said making the audience laugh. 

(Y/N) laughs as she let's go and moves around to get comfortable. " How was it filming AHS? You know getting down and dirty with Evan Peter." He asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Laughing, she blushes as she tries to form a response. " Not going to lie but it was amazing. He was one of my celebrity crushes that I wanted to meet. He was super nice and funny. He wanted me to be comfortable and I'm glad it was with him. We are really good friends now actually. " 

James nods as he looks at his cue cards. " Fans want to know the meaning behind your photoshoot. You took us all by surprise by your announcement. I mean you look gorgeous by the way."

She nods, knowing people wanted to know what was going on. " Thank you, I'm nine months. I did not know I was pregnant until three months in. It was a huge shock since I was already going through a tough time. As you know I broke up with Shawn after 3 wonderful years. There was nothing wrong with our relationship except falling out of love with each other. I will always love him and want him to be happy. Some of you are wondering if he is the father and if he is involved and I can not tell you. This is for him to say not me. I can say I am excited for this little one to come into the world. I also have a name for either sex, but it is a surprise."

" Well he is an idiot for letting you go.I mean you are amazing. If I wasn't married I would be after you. I mean I could set you up with someone. Harry Styles? Tom Holland?" James asked, making the audience laugh and holler with agreements. 

(Y/N) smiles sweetly as she shakes her head. " I think I shouldn't date right now. I do have a baby coming soon so they will take up most of my time. I am also going on tour as soon as I can. Currently, I am working on more songs and a few surprises. " 

Nodding,James smiles as he had a game for them to play. " That's great! However,after this commercial break we have a game for you. You know I like helping others find their match and now it's your turn. " 

(Y/N) eyes widen slightly as she did not know what to say. She couldn't even think about going on a date with another man that wasn't Shawn. 

***

" Welcome back. We are here with (Y/N) and it's time to play late late live Tinder. We have a fantastic group of guys waiting for you. Let's see if your perfect is here today." 

She nods, internally dreading what's about to come. 'I should read these email more carefully. ' 

" Do you have any preference? What is your celebrity crush?" 

" I do have a preference, but right now I'm open minded. That's a hard one because it can go from Benedict Cumberbatch to Tom Holland to Bill Skarsgård to Eddie Redmayne to etc." Cheers in the audience can be heard as they are fans of the actors.

" At least that's wide range of guys. Okay how this works is the guys will come out one by one. They will present themselves here at the phone. You will take your form finger and swipe right if you like the guy and swipe left of you don't. The right swipe will sit in the chairs and the left will force to fall in the ball pit. Swipe wisely cause you only have three guys in the last round. " 

" Let's bring out the first guy. "  Her eyes widen slightly at the first guy that came out. He was short,she could tell easily. He kind of reminded her of someone, but could not replace who.

" Liam. 24. I don't know if I like he put no effort in. What do you think?" 

She sighs as she swipes left. " I'm sorry. " Covers her eyes as she hears his body fall in the ball pit.

" That was fast. Let's move on." The next guy that walked out had brown hair, blue eye and green eye that shone with excitement. He was wearing a black blazer over a white shirt and black slacks. " Kaden, 23. What do we think?" Tilting her head, (Y/N) knew she liked him, but didn't want to automatically say yes. Tilting her head, smiling happily as she nods her head and swipes right. 

The third guy come out, fixing his shirt. His black curls bouncing on his head, covering his hazel eyes. He's built and could tell he worked out. His whole look of being an athlete was thrown off by the big block glasses that he wore. " Montgomery, 20." 

(Y/N) finally chose three guys and was still freaking out. She knew that Kaden was the guy she wanted to go on a date, but felt this was wrong. 'It's not like Shawn waited a long time before getting with Camila." 

(Y/N) can still remember reading about the two spotted kissing. The heartache of knowing their relationship was really over. There was no chance for them to rekindle their relationship.  The sudden illness taking over. Fighting to just get out of bed or even eat. Her manager coming over to try and help her. 

James gets her attention since it was time for her to pick. " Kaden." She said, softly as she fights the urge to leave. Kaden comes and gives her a hug, kissing her cheek.

****

Kaden brings out the chair for (Y/N) before scooting her in. He then sits in his seat as he thinks about what to say. 

" This must be awkward for you." He blurts out, blushing at what he said. ( Y/N) just laughs and shakes it off. " A little but not the worst way to get a date."

Kaden and (Y/N) spent most of the date getting to know each other. They found out they had similar likes and bonded over certain things.  She couldn't believe that she was willing to put her heart out there again after Shawn, but there was just something about Kaden. 

She felt like she could just be her and not the famous (Y/N). Be more adventurous and do things she never would have done with Shawn. 

_________________________________________

3 months ago

Shawn was on his phone trying to get in contact with (Y/N). He needed answers and he wanted them now. He did not know what he was feeling at the moment. Sad that he wasn't there for her. Mad that she didn't tell him as soon as she found out. Happy that he was going to be a father or scared that he will be taking care of an actual human being. 

Nothing. She did not answer him.

2 months ago

Shawn was going crazy. He canceled his tour to deal with the big news he just received a while ago. He kept trying to get in contact with her, but couldn't. 

When they broke up, she changed her number and moved. Her social media accounts were changed to private and it seemed like she was a ghost. Until one day he got a message.

Unknown

I heard you wanted to talk. I'll come by tomorrow and make sure your new girlfriend isn't there. I do not want anything from you. 

He couldn't believe it. Now she wanted to respond to him! He was frustrated that she texted him out of the blue when he tried to get in touch with her. He did feel guilty when she talked about Camilla. 

He knew that she would have seen the news, but he didn't really think about it at the time. He was just trying to get over the heartbreak of her leaving. As well as the confusing feeling he has for Camila, not knowing if its romantic or simply lust.

****

Knock. Knock.

Shawn Mendes was nervous. He didn't know how the interaction will go. Slowly, he opened the door and see (Y/N) in a short dress that showed off her belly. He wanted to reach his hand out to feel the bump, but fought the urge. 

She enters the room, gracefully as if she was not impacted on seeing him again. The two sat at the table, both staring at each other with uncertainty. 

" How are you?" She asked, in a soft spoken tone. 

" Good. Good. " He repeated, not knowing what else to say. 

" I'm pregnant with your child. No one has to know about you being the father if that's what you want. If you don't want to be part of their life, then tell me now. I will not let you debate on if you will be in their life. I will not let you hurt this child like my father did," she said sternly, as she rubbed her belly. 

Shawn was speechless. He did not believe that she would think so low of him. " I want to be there for the child and you. I'm sorry about our relationship. I stopped trying. I know it was wrong, but I do still love you. I know this won't fix things. I just want to be apart of both of your life. "

(Y/N) smiles faintly as she felt the baby kick. Grabbing his hand, she gently place his hand on her stomach. His eyes widen slightly at the feeling of the baby's little leg kicking. A soft smile grows on Shawn's face as he starts to realize this is really happening. 

" Fine, but I have rules you have to follow. I want you to make time for this baby. Also, no touring when they are old. I want them to get educated. " 

Now

Shawn was watching James Corden show because he knew (Y/N) was a guest. He couldn't help but check up on her every now and then. She is the mother of his child. 

****** The Show ******

James sat in between (Y/N) and Kaden. His hands in both of theirs as he smiles at the audience. " So how was the date, Kaden?" 

Kaden just smiles brightly as he glanced at the women. " It was really great. I love to have another opportunity to learn more of this amazing young woman. I had a great time, but maybe have better food. " Laughter could be heard in the audience at James unimpressed look. 

" Better food? I have you know we had an excellent chef prepare the food. What about you, (Y/N)?" 

She bites her lower lip nervously, wincing as she felt the baby kick. " Well, I know  this little one likes him. I do too and I would not mind to learning more about him either." 

" On three say yes or no to another date. One… Two ...Three!" 

" Yes," they both said simultaneously as the crowd cheers for the two. 

****** Show End ******

Shawn did not know what to do. Deep down he knew he was jealous, but that did not make sense. He is with Camila now and he should be happy for (Y/N). I'm just worried because she is carrying my baby,' he thought trying to convince himself.

Ring. Ring.

"Hello?" 

" My water…..ah…..broke ...hospital…secret…" she said, breathing heavily as she grits her teeth. The pain hits her as she lets out a cry.

Taglist

@champagnesugamama

@Alexisbronzwick2003

[notbadcal]

// WHY // Shawn Mendes

So I was recently at Shawn Mendes’ concert in Stockholm Sweden and it was amazing. And during why I thought of this concept/idea and had to write about it. So here you go, enjoy:) Also I know the lyrics aren’t in the correct order but this way it fit the story better so bare with me:)

Why

Being in the spotlight meant having every single person keep their eyes on you at all time. Your personal life doesn’t exist, forget about going outside after you’ve just woken up and don’t even think about getting to enjoy the privacy of your own home. But least of all don’t expect your relationships to be between only you and another person. Because of all these reasons Hope couldn’t act on her feelings ever. Since she was 14 years old her heart has belonged to one special man. Mr Shawn Mendes. Like herself, Shawn was a famous singer with millions of fans.

Recently something had shifted in both of their careers. They had been offered roles in a new romantic comedy about a couple of child hood enemies who fall in love in Paris. Seeing as they were already best friends in real life this was one of the best experiences in each of their lives. Because of this it made it easier for them to travel together for the press tour.

I know a girl,She’s like a curse

“So how was it acting like you hated each other?” Ellen DeGenerous asked the couple of friends sitting on the large white couch.

Shawns arm was resting on the back of the couch behind Hope.

“It was definitely weird, mean I could never picture Shawn the way his character acted” Hope explained with a laugh following her words.

Shawn’s gaze was trained on his best friend beside him. The way her eyes crinkles in the cutest way when she smiled or the way her laugh sounded like it could cure any illness on the planet. Even if she was the most beautiful being he had ever payed his hazel eyes on she was like a curse to him.

When people ask about us, now , we just brush it off

“So I’m sure everyone’s wondering, are you guys dating” Ellen didn’t beat around the bush at all, going straight to the point, asking what everyone had asked since the moment they were seen together in public.

Shawn put on a fake smile and laughed a little.

“Wow going straight to the point” he said.

“Yeah you’re certainly not shy” Hope laughed, her British accent driving Shawn insane.

“Nope, so?” Ellen presses further.

We want each other no one will break first

The both of them knew the answer was no. Even if no one believed them it was true. Although both of them wished it was none of them wanted to make the first move.

“No, we’re not dating” Hope answered a fake smile on her red painted lips.

“Yeah okay” Ellen agreed sarcastically making her audience laugh.

After the interview no one said anything until their shared manager Andrew broke the silence.

“So we have Zach Sang next but before that we have time for lunch” he spoke as he looked at his expensive watch to confirm that they did in fact have time to eat.

“Alright sweet, anyone feeling chipotle?” Hope asked already thinking out her order in her head.

“Yeah sure” Shawn answered.

Hope could tell that he was distant. She just didn’t know because of what.

When the day was finally over and they could all go home, Shawn asked if Hope wanted to come over for a movie night. This wasn’t something odd for the two of them.

They did this at least once a week if they were in the same city.

So many nights, trying to find someone new

They don't mean nothing compared to her, and I know

With Hope asleep on his lap his fingers swiped left and right on his phone. Because of who he was, Tinder wasn’t an option, but lucky for him Shawn qualified for the famous dating app Rhia made specifically for people like him.

After a few swipes he checked his messages and saw one from a girl he apparently matched with a couple of days ago. His eyes scanned the message.

Can you treat me better?😏😉

He sighed at the message. He didn’t want someone who knew him as the Shawn Mendes. One of the biggest singers of this generation. He wanted someone who knew him for him.

Why do we put each other through hell?

Why can't we just get over ourselves?

That girl was currently resting on his lap. He watched as her chest rose and fell with every breath she took. He took notice of her freckled face that looked like constellations spread out across the night sky. Her dark lashes tickled the tops of her cheeks as her eyes rolled around behind their lids.

He sighed again. Why did he have to be such a coward?

When I hear you sing, it gets hard to breathe

Can't help but think every song's about me

And every line, every word that I write

You are the muse in the back of my mind, oh

The light from the moon poured in through the curtains as a sweet voice sang some unfamiliar words.

The brunette boy looked around confused. Had he fallen asleep on his couch. And where was Hope. It was probably her singing on his balcony but his initial stress made him stand up and walk over to the glass door to investigate.

And like he had suspected, there she was, a cigarette resting on the table as Shawn’s guitar rested on her lap, her small hands strumming on the instrument to create a beautiful tune. The sound of her voice took his breath away.

He listened to the lyrics and couldn’t help but think the words she sang were about him because he knew every word he wrote was about her.

When he stepped out fully onto the balcony was when she noticed him. Her strumming came to a halt and the words died on the tip of her tongue.

“Hi” she whispered.

It was as if she had met him for the first time. The way she said hi to him.

“Hey” Shawn responded as he took in her appearance further.

She was dressed in one of his shirts. Because of the significant size difference the shirt was like a dress on Hopes smaller frame.

“Sorry if I woke you” her raspy voice brought him back to reality.

“You didn’t, why are you awake by the way?” He asked.

“Couldn’t sleep” she replied before taking the cancerous stick and putting it between her lips.

The light of the moon and her lighter lighting the cigarette back up was the only source of luminosity.

Don't want to ask about it 'cause you might brush it off

I'm afraid you think that it means nothing at all

I don't know why I won't admit that you're all I want

The way he looked at her made her believe for maybe a second that her feelings for him were reciprocated. But his mind was going a completely different route.

How could someone like her ever like someone like him?

He didn’t want to talk about what had bothered him the entire day since the interview with Ellen. He thought that if he did she would brush him off and make him believe that the chemistry he felt between the two of them was all in his head.

“Everything okay love?” She asked, the nickname falling past her lips in habit.

“Yeah, everything’s great” he smiled, however the smile never reached his eyes.

Why can’t they just get over themselves and just admit how they feel for each other. Maybe it was because of the fact that if they did it would be public knowledge. It would become the biggest headline instead of something intimate between two souls. Maybe it was just because of the fact that being in the spotlight meant having every single person keep their eyes on you at all time. Your personal life doesn’t exist, forget about going outside after you’ve just woken up and don’t even think about getting to enjoy the privacy of your own home. But least of all don’t expect your relationships to be between only you and another person.

That is Why.

[sorikkung]

I don't mind, I just like talking to you anyways and this is a good excuse 🙃 first things first I'm in my mom's place, so I'm almost 100km away from where I live and I thought would be a good idea to open up Tinder and see if I could match with some interesting people now so basically I have two gossips about my midnight Tinder matches.

First one was with this really sweet guy that lives in my city. He's a hella sportist and even participates on jiu-jitsu championships. You know those quiet math guys that don't usually talk much but they are very talkative when it comes to his interests and this hard shell is only to protect a big warm heart? Is him. And the fact that it only took me a a couple of DAYS to get so close of him bothered and scared me a lot. Right now, we're in a video call and he keeps saying that I'm pretty and that he's falling in love with me and I can see, by the way he looks at me, that it trully might have something going on.

I don't know, I feel a little scared about it, not gonna lie, but I assume I'm intrigued as well as I want to try out and see where it goes but is all so unsure...

This second gossip is about some friends of mine from here. They used to date for a long time, I met them with already two years of relationship on their backs so, this year they would be like, 6 years together. As I said, I was at Tinder and I saw this profile with a picture I've seen before. I went to this friend Insta and the picture was there, same name, age, place, everything was the same. I was gagged but, anyway, brushed it off because it might be a fake profile or maybe they were seeking for someone to spicy up their relationship, I don't know, I was trying to create an excuse for why was him there that wasn't because he was cheating.

Obviously, I swiped right on him because, if he was really cheating, he would know I saw him and I knew what he was doing. But that left me really unsettled, so I went to Insta again. I checked both his and hers profiles and they weren't following each other anymore, all their cute photos with texts celebrating their birthdays were also gone... Was like they were never together. I even checked her TikTok videos and, apparently, she had returned to her parents house after a year living with him.

They had broke up and I heard about it from Tinder 🤡

To add up: he just text me today, while I was in call with this new guy and legit asked about a hook-up. Like a good slut, I said he could pass by with drinks and drugs and we would party and kiss like good friends do 🙃 so I guess this will have more scenes to come. And I hope I can kiss her as a friend too, they're both hot

this is so wild lmFAOooo mainly the second part but damn look at you go??? mfs fallin in love w you n shit??? goals???? i keep telling myself ill never stoop as low as to download tinder bc too many straight people but honestly all the lgbt focused dating apps be kinda dry i might as well 😭😭 doesnt help that i usually leave convos on read bc they bore me easily or just take too much effort... oof. but i digress. why are you so scared of where things are going w your tinder match? lmfao right now as in as you type this?? does he know youre gossiping abt him to a random australian online 😭😭

as for the second part at least theres no cheating, but if you kiss them separately when they seem to have broken up on bad enough terms to wipe it all i feel like thatd cause drama... but if youre not super close w them and just wanna shitstir, im not gonna deter you lmFAOoo live ur hoe life bestie. wish that were me (i say, with like 37 bitches in my dms i ghosted bc i ran out of things to say to them and they didnt interest me enough to ask to meet SDFGSDFKHSDFH)

[sayitaintdoe]

“hold on.  he made you breakfast?”

i’m doing that thing where i’m trying not to look like the most smug person in the room, and i’m failing miserably.  my nose scrunches up, and i shrug my shoulders as if to say who, me? before i’m nodding back at teddy, hands folded in front of me.  “breakfast.  my mans brought it to bed and everything.”

teddy seems bewildered, but it’s cait who speaks up, tucking a strand of her newly bleached and bobbed hair behind her ear.  “i didn’t even know he knew how to operate anything beyond a toaster.”

i flash her a look.  “who’s to say it wasn’t a short stack of eggos?”

her face falters.  “tell me it wasn’t flash-frozen waffles.  that’s not breakfast in bed.”

“if it’s breakfast and it’s in bed, i’m pretty sure it counts.”

cait seems less than convinced, but i’m convinced she was born with a stick up her perfect little ass, so it’s kind of a toss-up.  the two of us have been friends since my ill-fated attempt at living in the college dorms (i gave that up, like, real fast).  at the time, she was an exchange student from ireland.  now she writes articles for, like, literally every wedding publication out there, so she’s convinced that she knows everything there is to know about romance 101.

“point is, they’re still doing this,” is the only contribution kat gives to the conversation, adjusting her headset over her ears and scrolling through fortnite screens.  i can hear her muttering to someone on the other side of her mic, and i can tell that it’s brady who she’s in the middle of bickering with by the frustrated sigh she throws out before she’s dropping herself back onto the couch.  “i can’t stand him.  or him.”

“specific,” teddy laughs, sipping the earl grey she insisted on brewing, and before i can clarify, cait is speaking up for me.

“brady and preston.”

“what she said,” i tip my half-empty glass of wine in cait’s direction before bringing it back to my lips.  “but she’s just saying that.”  i tap the button of kat’s nose, and she glowers back at me before begrudgingly starting her next match and grumbling for brady not to “fuck it up this time.”

teddy is in the middle of texting her husband — god, what a bizarre word to use in correlation with one of my own friends — so she’s hardly paying attention to us.  in fact, i’m hardly paying attention to us.  i’m too distracted by the ring that keeps hitting a rainbow onto the corner of my living room wall every time the light from the window hits it just right.

i can’t imagine it, i realize.  getting married, i mean.  i know my mom’s happy, and that’s great for her or whatever, and anyone within the tri-state area can hear teddy singing from the rooftops whenever she gets home at night, but i can’t imagine sharing that much of my life with someone.  sharing my bed every night.  using the word “we” to describe something that was once just mine or theirs.

being codependent?  using those corny fucking couple expressions?  miss me with that.  relationships — even the very few ones that i’ve had my own experience with — are nothing but disappointment.  marriage is just, like, a sequel to that.

and the sequels are always worse than their predecessors.  that’s just a known fact.

anyway.  where was i going with this?  oh yeah.  fuck the sanctity of marriage.

teddy can be as happy with will as she wants, and she is, and that’s great for her and whatever, but that’s something that feels like a whole world away from me.

i notice that both my and cait’s gazes are on teddy, then, before cait’s blue eyes are settling on me instead.  “how did it happen, anyway?”

i’m playing stupid like it’s my job.  who, me?  “how did what happen?”

“you and preston, dumbo.  after all this time?”

i finish off the rest of my wine, give a nonchalant shrug like i’ve told this story a million times before even if this is really the first time anyone’s actually asked me.  wow.  is this actually the first time anyone’s asked?

everyone has just kind of given us a brush off up until now.  they’ve looked at us with this “oh, we were just waiting for this to happen” look.  even my mom and my brother.  they didn’t ask.  it’s like they just knew it was coming, an inevitability.

“well…” i nod my head over in teddy’s direction.  she’s still not looking over at us, but i have a feeling she will be in a second.  “it started at bill and ted’s wedding.”  yep.  there she is.

“wait, what did?” she asks.  “you and preston?”

“welcome to the conversation,” kat contributes dryly, before she’s swinging her mallet and hacking some poor unsuspecting zombie to shreds.

i tuck my legs under myself, and i can feel cait’s eyes piercing into me.  teddy’s already at the edge of her seat, her phone long forgotten and face down beside her.  i love being the center of attention, especially when i haven’t even gotten ten words out.  i’m just that powerful.

“well, after the disastrous date you set him up on — melania, or whatever?  horrible.  anyways, after that, we went up to my room and…”

my train of thought sort of comes to a halt right then and there, remembering laughing into the crook of his neck and kissing the smile off his lips and the way we didn’t even make it to the bed before he was fucking me up against the door, my dress hiked up around my waist and my fingers pulling at his hair.

“…and?”

it’s cait that brings me back to reality, pulls me away from thoughts of preston’s curls tickling my nose when i woke up that next morning.  my stomach settles and i sit up a little.  “and anyway, we ordered room service — belgian waffles for him, pancakes for me — and i asked him why he even bothers going on dates with all these boring girls when the girl he should be going after is right in front of him.  and he said i was right and… i don’t know.  i guess it just clicked.”  that sounds kind of believable, right?  “it made sense.  it makes sense.  we go together.”

teddy starts humming the song from grease, but it’s cait that’s concerning me.  i mean, cait’s always intense, always the serious one out of all of us — i don’t know if it’s because she thinks she has to be or because she just is — but right now, it’s like she has a million words bursting at the tip of her tongue and she doesn’t know which ones to go with.

“you good?”

“it makes sense, yeah,” cait winds up nodding, tucking her hair behind her ear again from where it must have slipped back out.  “you two, i mean.  i suppose i always thought he was taken to begin with, you know?  by you, i mean.  ever since uni.”

i’d normally make some comment about how cute the word “uni” sounded coming from her, but something about her just seems… sad.  longing.  off.  and then it clicks.  my face drops, sitting my empty wine glass on the coffee table in front of me.  “tell me you’re not thinking about spider-man again.”

“can we stop calling him that?”

“uh, no.  we can definitely keep calling him that.”

some insight on spider-man, who’s not actually peter parker.  he’s this, like, stupid flexible guy that the tinder gods decided to bless cait with two summers ago when some genius (me) decided that kat, cait, and i should do tinder groups since joy and teddy were already so annoyingly paired off as it was.

it didn’t work out for kat or me (frankly, i don’t think kat even tried), but it did lead cait to logan, who did parkour on youtube (because yes, apparently those people still exist).  and she was smitten.  and he was cute!  and then he got back together with his ex-boyfriend last christmas and she wrote the most depressingly empowering article on how love tends to be destined to fail and how the greatest love story is the one you have with yourself.

she went viral on buzzfeed over the guy and everything.  he’s definitely not worth that many second and third thoughts.

“anyways,” she says briskly, clearing her throat and sitting up a little, “i’m not thinking about him.  i’m just saying that you and preston make sense, is all.  i suppose.”

teddy’s giving her a look like she knows something i don’t know, like everyone knows something i don’t know, but my thoughts are derailed before they can come to fruition by the door opening and preston coming in with arms loaded with takeout.

“oh popeye, my hero,” i wail, all other thoughts forgotten as i get up from the couch, take the bags from his arms to sit them on the counter, and knock him back against the door to kiss him right there in front of everyone.

“i’m gonna have to bring you food more often,” he laughs against my mouth, and i’m smiling big when we part ways.

i look back over my shoulder, noting teddy’s eyes back on her phone and cait’s eyes on the two of us before she’s standing up and walking toward us.

i try to stop preston’s irish accent he always throws at her before i’m too late and it’s already happening.  “top of the mornin’ to ye,” he’s drawling out, and she’s laughing because of pity, i can only assume.  “you staying for dinner?”

“no, i actually should get going.  long night ahead of me,” she says, even though when she got here, like, two hours ago, i could have sworn she’d said she didn’t have any plans tonight.

“don’t worry, pres,” kat pipes in, suddenly gone from her spot on the couch and next to us at the kitchen counter without a sound, poking around in the bags of food for her usual order.  “i’ll be here all night.”

preston’s laughing, then, swooping in and launching into talk about some track he sent her that i remember spamming her airdrop with last week.  “lucky me!  you’re my favorite person in the room anyway,” he promises her.  “don’t tell doe.”

“i heard that,” i shoot back, leaning over and tickling my fingers into his sides.

when i look back at the door, cait’s long gone.

[kxlebcross]

multiples of three, please.

oh man i cant believe ur making me do maths at 4:18 am... but here goes nothing! (it’s gonna be long so i put it under a read more)

3. Ever done any drugs? uhhhh... yeah, for a short period yrs ago i had a friend group and with them we smoked weed pretty much every weekend... they did some hard drugs too but i never dared trying those cuz im a lil bitch lmao aaaaand i don’t do that anymore, it’s an expensive hobby to have and i usually waste my drugs money on pc games and ordering food srgsdfg

6. Describe your dream home. probs somewhere in a big city, close to the center because i love being a big city kid.... a mid-sized flat with lots of plants and those neat cat playgrounds mounted on the wall because i plan on having at least 4 cats in the future asdsd and i’d love to have a bigger balcony which i could transform into a little jungle and hand a hammock there and just chill and listen to the city’s noises at night when i can’t sleep

9. Do you watch porn? you may not believe but i actually don’t sdgsdfg the horny teen phase is over for me, if i wanna interact with anything pornographic i just read fanfiction dfgsdfgsf

12. What’s one of your fantasies? i hope it’s not supposed to be an erotic one lmao but i really wanna go on a road trip through europe, just pack up my shit and drive around, also i wanna visit haunted places all around england and get into the gaming business as a game translator/tester eventually

15. Are you in a relationship? thank god not anymore... and honestly i don’t miss it anymore, all of my previous ones were disasters and ended in a really ugly manner so.. no, i’m all good with my cat

18. What tattoos do you want? i don’t have specific plans for motives - though i’d really like a kitsune mask somewhere and a moon and one song quote. i’d like to have my whole left sleeve done, maybe part of my back, a half sleeve on my right hand and something smaller on my ankle - and i’m actually open to anything the tattooists would pick out; i care more about who’s gonna create my tattoo than what’s it gonna be, as my actually existing 2 tattoos r also premade, randomly picked out ones (though they accidentally matched up in some way and look pretty neat imo)

21. Describe your best friend. that’s a hard one.... i don’t think i have one anymore. i used to have this girl in my life, M, who i was really close to, but we had a fallout in october and she never came around to fix this even though i was open to the idea... so i lost my best friend, which is kinda sad considering that she was the only person i could open up to in the last 3 yrs. but hey that happens! i moved on and have a close friend still so im all good.

24. What are three places you want to travel? i really wanna visit scotland! it has this specific atmosphere i really long to experience, and i wanna see the landmarks and grassy fields and loch ness and haunted places and just roam around there for a while. i also wanna see moscow - it’s been sort of an obsession of mine since reading glukhovsky’s metro series, and also it’s a beautiful city worth visiting. i’d also like to get on the trans-siberian express but that’s not a specific place dsfsgdf the last place would be the aokigahara forest in japan - also one of the places i feel drawn to for ages now. found out about it years ago and since it’s been sort of a plan of mine to visit one time. if i manage to graduate university my mum promised to send me on a trip to japan - so if it works out, ill be on my way there baby! (i just need to work on my language skills first sasdfgf)

27. What’s your pet peeve? loud breathing, loud chewing... generally people being loud and annoying. ppl not covering their mouths while coughing. ppl who walk super slowly and take up all of the walkway like FUCK OFF OF MY WAY GODDAMMIT. in games when the npc walks a lot slower than ur running, but walking a lot faster than ur walking so its impossible to keep up with them. ppl not using headphones in public spaces. old ppl demanding respect when they treat u like shit. ppl forcing their religion on u (im looking at u auntie). ppl slurping their drinks. couples almost f*cking each other in public places... just get a room smh

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message. oh i don’t need to tag them cuz i already got over that shyness and they totes know already that i wanted to talk to them for a while! (i admitted to it in the tackiest, cheesiest, most awkward anon ask i ever sent in to anyone sdfgsdf)

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like? pretty much the same as now, all black and flannels and jeans, cuz i rly thing that major clothes shopping sprees r a waste of money sdfdf but i’d probably own a lot lot more shoes like custom made cat patterned vans and some more nikes and some creepers cuz i wanted to get some of those for like yrs now dfgdfg

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes? uhhhh... kind of? not romantic ones tho, i just miss the long talks and the trust and understanding between us. i never got the closure i needed to move on and it still left some bad feelings towards her so its a weird mix of resentment and sympathy, and i try to not think abt it too much.

39. Are you a virgin? hahahahahahahahah, no, really. 

42. Describe the hottest person you know. the hottest person i personally know is one of the ppl i used to be on my universitys e-sport team on with dfasd i always had a weak spot for ppl taller than me and hes literally model material with nice cheekbones and the perfect jawline and the best sense of humor ever. though he’s a widowmaker main in overwatch and thats a big big minus for him :(

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? lmaooooo thats a funny one listen up... so i was fresh out of breakup and wanted to make some friends.... wait for it.... ON TINDER. i live in an university town so i was like kewl imma make some ppl my age (until then all of my friends were A LOT older than me) and have some friends and if romance happens then it happens, w/e. so i set up this bar night with this one guy, i believe his name was David? so David and i meet up for drinks, i grab a gintonic and we sit down to talk... what he never knew abt me is that i am on the adhd spectrum and i have to get my hands busy with smth so i can focus on what im saying otherwise my thoughs r all over the place. so im casually keeping my hands busy with just spinning my locked phone there and back, or just  messing around with the lime slice on my glass and at a random moment David goes like “u know.... i hate when ppl cant stop messing around with their phone” and im like ????? dude im literally just spinning it, not even messaging anyone or unlocking it or shit. and he goes on this rant that he always expects ppl to pay full attention to him when talking, looking at him (i never look ppl in the eyes cuz i tend to just go into panic mode from long eye contact and also i think its creepy to just stare at someone constantly) and just not doing anything else except paying attention to him so i go on explaining to him that i need to keep myself busy and im not doing it to annoy him - but he keeps on insisting so i excuse myself to a cigarette (he also hated smokers lmao) and call the widowmaker main friend from the previous question and am like “hey man i have the worst date of my life can u be at this place in 40 minutes and then we hit the night life” and hes like fine so i go back to David and tell him “sorry mate i just remembered i have my last bus home in 30 minutes and the next one is in 1,5 hrs and i really cant stay out that late so can we wrap this up and schedule an other meeting some other time” and hes like fine... got me to the bus stop, i sat on the bus.... got off at the next bus stop, met up with widowmaker main guy and went out for drinks and decided to never go on tinder dates again sdfgsdfg

48. Describe your ideal partner. thats a hard one, hey! but i dont think i have an ideal, guess ill work with anyone whos a decent human being who wont require me to be the housemaid and cook and clean and do everything for them. oh and they totally need to know how to use a washing machine... one of my exes was incapable of this (and here i was thinking that in 2018 ppl saw a washing machine already... looks like i was wrong and im still not over that incident 2 yrs ago). oh and they gotta be fine with the idea of never having kids cuz theres no way im putting myself through raising one of those, im a man of career and money, totally not responsible enough to raise another living human being sdsdgdf

[letstakeaminuteortwo]

When your BFF changes

For most of my life i’ve been bullied, about my hair, my weight, my name, my family, my fashion/makeup sense, my awkwardness. by the time high school came around i was carefree Lee, i didn’t care what others thought of me(huge lie), and i kept my walls in place. I was happy, nice, awkward, and loud at school and showed everything else once I was on the farm. i didn’t talk about what was really going on at home, i never told people about how hard my childhood had been. I didn’t mention the reason i was so tired was bc the police had been at my house most of the night. I didn’t mention that i slept in my closet last night so i didn’t hear my alarm. I simply was tired so i needed some coffee and i slept in so i missed first period. you’d be amazed how little people have to explain themselves. oh they knew the basics, most people in our town did. Nasty Divorce, Troubled siblings, Mothers side disowned the kids, brothers an addict, nice step-mom, workaholic dad, absent mother. But people kind of shut down when they hear any of those phrases. I looked unintentionally for those people, people who also didn’t explain behind their phrases and didn’t care to hear my explantations and i became friends with them. 

I had one such friend a few years ago. We’d been friends/acquaintances since elementary, connected through friends of friends and family, which is what happens in small towns. But when we got into high school, specifically the tenth grade, we became part of each others best friend groups. She was tall and awkward, all limbs and braces, with long brown hair tied in a side braid pretty much everyday. She wore boobalicious dresses that were “too Short” and had an eye smile to rival my own. She was hilarious and fun and awkward and used phrases without explanation to explain her life. Basically, we were perfect for each other. We had seven years of laughter, tears, drunken nights looking after each other and confessions. We both dated the same guy(though a year apart and for a few weeks each only) and sometimes had crushes on the same guy but a few snarky comments were as serious as the fighting got over them. I loved her as a sister, she was my person. But we had one fatal flaw. I loved her more, and i didn’t know it till it was too late.

The down spiral happened once we were at college, an 8 hour drive between us, mostly due to my need to get as far from my family as i could (10ish hours was as far as i could get and still maintain i did it for the program) i would text and wait days for a response. Then a car accident, a death, a crying phone call and a funeral later we were back to high school times. she knew i needed her. that Christmas vacation was spent passing out on her couch every night and having the best new years ever. Then came the Boyfriend. They knew each other but matched on tinder and started talking. i hated him. i knew he was still semi-stalking his ex, who was dating HER ex at the time and i couldn’t help but feel like he was being slimy about the whole thing. he’s also a 3 so she’s out of his league. The other thing was that i saw her like 10 times that entire summer break and i was always the one going out of my way to set it up and make it happen she kept ditching on plans and going out with his friend group. then came the night of the ultimate ditching. 

i was staying at my sisters apartment looking after her cats(and loving living by myself) and walked over to her house for an old school hangout of junk food, bad movies (probably mega-shark vs croc-asaurus, or two headed shark attack for the 100th time, we had a thing for b-rated movies) and just talking and i was looking forward to it so much. i’d barely seen her, school was around the corner and i wanted to hash out some details about the plan of going to her place at school over my spring break(different then hers). i’d been there an hour when she gets a txt. she’s going to a party with HIS friends, will i help her get ready? It was like a part of my heart dimmed. sure of course i was happy carefree lee what did i care if you went. here you should wear this. I waved to the giant station wagon waiting for her outside and walked away. They drove past a few seconds later and i stared after it and had trouble breathing. I stood there for a while and realized she was breaking my heart. 

I stopped trying after that night. she told me later that they had asked if you wanted to come but you hadn’t wanted to right? no of course not i was already in my pyjamas sometimes i think back on that, why couldn’t i tell her what was really happening? we went back to school and i stopped texting her and would you look at that we talked twice. and i was too busy at thanksgiving to see her or any of our friends. Christmas, we went out for dinner and it was so awkward...i went home and started writing a letter to her on my phone. I wrote and rewrote it a million times. basically, i was pissed. she never asked to hangout again and i spent new years with my parents and went to bed before the ball dropped. Such a weird contrast to the year before. i waited a day. i was so angry at this point i deleted the good “letter” i had and replaced it with one full of anger and accusations of things years gone by that i had’t even known i was angry about and basically told her she was a bad friend, to leave and not come back. And then i pressed send. 

Turns out i wasn’t angry. I was just incredibly mind numbingly sad. 

2 years later other than an awkward run-ins due to work or mutual friends i don’t see her and we don’t talk. i tried to apologize a few months later when the dust cleared and she said thanks and nothing came of it. So i think we're done for good. I even stopped missing her so much. I use to hear something funny or do something stupid and immediately go to tell her about it. for about a year it was like a reflex but then i remember i don’t have her number, i don’t have her on fb, we don’t work together...shes not in my life anymore. And that makes me sad. Because i fucked up and so did she. This week I've been sick and on a heavy dose of meds that have been giving me really vivid dreams and she's been in every one of them. not as she is now, but as that long haired awkward brace face i knew and loved in high school. because she isn’t that person anymore and I'm not the Lee who i was in high school either. We both changed. but she will always be in my heart and i hope she sees this somehow and knows if she ever needs to bury a body call me ill still be her person when she needs me to be if only for that awkward hat loving red dress wearing side braid owning gangster she was. 

[datingadviceonreddit]

And we had a amazing time. I (m25) matched with someone (f28) on Tinder six days ago and really hit it off over texting. I get a decent amount of matches but often feel exasperated that no one seems to want a real, deep conversation.We moved to WhatsApp pretty quickly because the length of our messages were starting to break the app. On Boxing day we had a real deep conversation about what we liked out of intimacy and sex and were on exactly the same page. We are both six months out of serious relationships and are happy, confident people but want that sense of attention, depth and connection you can only have with an intimate partner. That its as much about the emotional and mental feeling as it is physical. We text about it until 2am and it really turned both of us on. We agreed to meet the following evening and so began my longest ever first date.Her photos on tinder were visibly badly taken but when she turned up, Holy God. (She later told me the bad photos were deliberate so she didn't catch guys just after her looks) Greek goddess. Deep brown eyes, expressive, engaged body language. Yes please. We had a few drinks and talked, a red flag however is she was still getting text messages from her ex.An important disclaimer here; her ex has borderline personality disorder and serious depression. I.e. Still messages her saying if you don't talk to me ill cut myself, etc. Heavy shit. Her business, not mine. I'm a trainee mental health counsellor so I accept we all have baggage and we had talked at length about our mental health too. So I was cool with it, she is visibly "over" him but understandably still quite fragile. She said outright she found me attractive because I'm very stable and mentally tough. So yes getting fucked up messages from your crazy ex on a first date (and her reading the messages) is weird and a red flag, but I decided I was OK with it. She showed me some of the messages and asked me for. Y professional perspective, and we had a really good conversation about psychology. Again, her deal, not mine and nobody needs to decide if you want a serious relationship after one date.Back on topic. We go to the second bar. Far less awkward. She gets the message and her phones goes away and stays away. It's a metal bar and I discover that she loves that mind if music and we're singing all the lyrics to Metallica. We start to really flirt, innocent touches etc. I decide I want to kiss her. Bar closes. We go outside, she asks where my place is. I knew from our texts that going home with her on a first date was a possibility but I hadn't had time to clean my apartment. I kind of suggested she get an uber home but she gave me "the look" and I kissed her. Fuck it, life is short, I'm six months out of a serious relationship and I just want to be intimate with someone. I feel comfortable with her. Neither of us are drunk. We go to my place and I make her wait outside whilst I blitz my flat for two minutes. She is friends with someone I work with so I had been "verified" as not a serial killer, she said otherwise she wouldn't have gone home with me first time.We had both said we like sex slow and intimate. So it was probably about 4am until any clothes came off, but a LOT of making out and cuddling in my bed. I lit some candles, brought in my vinyl player and we made out to Pink Floyd, because all romance is made better by a David Gilmour guitar solo. In between, we talked about anything and everything. Just a feel good connection. We started to get naked and just helped each other relaxed. At 5:30am we decided to sleep for a bit, woke up sometime the next day, more making out, I went out quickly to get coffee and food for us. Felt great coming back to a beautiful Greek woman naked in my bed. I've been missing intimacy a lot. It just felt good. Lots of laughter.We decided to take a shower together and only then things get really sexual. She touched me and I made it clear I wanted her. After the shower I went down on her. As a woman she is quite complex and needs to be made to feel really relaxed and comfortable, but is also very sensitive, so I made an effort to try and learn what she needs. She felt great. We had talked the whole time about having sex but also that we both might not feel ready etc. There was no pressure or expectation. Just two human beings giving each other attention.By late last night we were still in bed together. She had put a lot of effort into making me feel good, went down on me (I know I shouldn't compare but oh my god, SO much better than my ex).At one point I went down k and her and she signed that she wanted me to make love to her, and but because I was being cautious about what she might not be ready for I didn't pick up on the signal. She said she wanted a guy to take the lead because she had been fed up of her doing everything with her ex, but admitted she was bad at communicating how she wanted to be treated. I said in that case I'm going to tie you to this bed and do whatever I want to you, and we had a great time making out, but when I went to give her oral she pushed me away saying she was too sensitive. I went back to making out, then tried again, same thing. Me not understanding that not all women need cunnilingus before penetration assumed I was doing something wrong, then tried to have sex with her with a condom but couldn't sustain an erection due to being quite nervous (also didn't help I had spent hours 24 hours with an erection and hadn't come - I can't orgasm through foreplay alone). She was really understanding and we went back to cuddling and it was cool.As we laid together she looked deep in though and I casually asked her what she was thinking about. She's a very direct kind of person and is probably too honest about things, then again the connection we had, we had already talked about most of our previous partners and life, the great memories and the traumas (I'm the son of an abusive heroin addict, it was a two way street). We had also talked about exclusivity and she said she didn't like talking to other guys because the connection between us (just over text) was so great. I told her it was her business and I'm not the jealous type, she's free to live her life, just don't tell me about other guys. She saw a tinder notification my my phone and said she felt a little jealous, I said I found that cute. I think it's obvious we will want something exclusive if we keep seeing each other.Anyway, she said without thinking that she was worried that she would date me then no longer feel attracted to me and that she would only see me as a friend, as it had happened with other people. I was a little upset by that and told her I thought it was a silly thing to say. It's naturally to think privately about someone but you don't tell them what you're thinking, (I didn't tell her this but obviously I'm thinking about her ex and whether she would be a good partner, etc). Because of the chemistry we had been enjoying I was a little bummed and she saw this and apologised with those big, brown eyes. She said she actually liked how I reacted because it showed I liked her. I said I did and then she got on top of me. The moment became quite emotional for both of us but also intimate and erotic and we ended up having unprotected sex. Let's say she didn't just see me as a friend. It felt fantastic and my neck today is covered in love bites. However, she is not on birth control (I didn't cum inside her, not that's an effective method) and we both said that had been stupid, neither of us liked using condoms but we agreed if we were going to keep seeing each other we would need to find an alternative. She left a couple of hours later as she is flying to see family today and needed to have proper sleep and pack, so I called her a taxi at 2am. Since waking up we've been texting and they chemistry is still there. I've broached the subjective of the emergency contraceptive pill and made it clear we need to be more sensible next time. She's genuinely listened and we're discussing options, being adults about it.I have no idea where this will go, or whether I even want a serious relationship or see her as a viable long term partner. 2020 will be extremely busy for me and I'm not sure if I want the investment, but I'd love to have an exclusive, reliable partner who feels the same way and wants to come and spend time with me and make love to Pink Floyd. Ive met her once but that chemistry is great. I do like her. She very obviously likes me. We'll just see how it goes and enjoy the ride. That's the story of my 29 hour first date.Very long post with no actual question, just felt like sharing! via /r/dating_advice

[myvelouri]

This will be long

So

Tonight was utter shit.

Where to begin

I don't even know.

I fucked up. I drank again. I'm drunk as I type this

It's so hard not to cry but I've gotten good at holding back. The most fucking pussy shit you'll ever hear a grown man say. Probably. I don't give a fuck though. I realize it. And I don't care. This is me.

So. I went to work. My buddy that always gets all the girls. Remember how I got that gorgeous girls number? And he was so stoked that he hyped me up? Well he showed me his tinder account. He already had hundreds of matches and a BUNCH that matches with him that he hadn't matched with yet. Imaine seeing his account with "100+" likes/matches awaiting and me with "3+" that aren't really there because it glitched out. And he showed me his profile. He looks so beautiful with short hair, wow. His profile is amazing. He's very like, alpha in personality, not that he's actually alpha, but he's not like me where I can joke and be gay with him, you know? He has that side of himself locked down. It's why I know why we can't be close. He's too closed off. Like, hell think shit is gay. I can't even tell him "bro you look hella good with short hair" without him being bothered. I mean, okay. But whatever. We still cool. But I was surprised how good looking he was with a buzzed head and he had some topless shots of him playing basketball, they were great. He has a great body. Girls are all over him. It's insane. Uh, he said his pics are two years old. He actually kinda looks like Napoleon Dynamite in person right now haha. He's like 8 years younger than me. But like. He does extremely well on tinder and seemingly in person, I've posted that before. About him. If he wasn't so self conscious about coming across as super alpha, straight and testosterone-full, he could put in a bit more effort in his appearance and become a really fuckin amazing looking dude. But I can't even tell him that. It sucks. I can't be open with him. He's a chill dude. I like the dude. He's like 22. He's had a great life. He's white, blue eyes, 6'5" and attractive. Like, duh, he's never had to deal with any negativity or rejection like I've had to. It's not his fault though. I'm not upset at that at all.

Alright on to the next part. That beautiful girl who's number I got? Well I texted her and she never responded. So much for all that hype that me and my buddy had. I didn't tell him though. I probably will. I feel so immensely ugly.

There was another girl I was texting but she fucking stopped talking after I stopped... But I told her I was out with friends. I mean, ffs, I only met her 2 days ago. But okay, whatever.

Where am I at

I'm.gonna cut it short

So I am at the bar. Drunk already. I sat by myself and this girl came in alone too, Brenda, I talked to her for a bit.. but I left her to talk to others. She was so offended that I left her. I'm sorry wow. Godamnit. I don't know. I was with my other buddy Ronnie, I bought us shots too. I love him. I told him about my musical ideas and he's so into it but goddamn he always shies away from it. So yeah also, I went up to Brenda at the end of the night and she totally wasn't happy to see me. She walked away. Kinda fucked up for her to be so offended..I mean I just met her that night godamn.

Okay so I told Ronnie, in DEPTH about my musical ideas, it took 2 seconds tho cause we listen to the same shit and he's a musician too. I basically told him about my idea of my chemical romance/taking back Sunday type choruses but still HEAVY and then it goes into OLD Slipknot type breakdowns. And he was so into it. I have a lot of musical ideas but I want to explore this very badly with other friends/musicians. He was like, really into it too.

I was more excited about that than any damn girl. I swear.

Okay so when I was with him, all these girls ran into him and are always flirty with him, he's very attractive. And I'd be like, dude who is that, and he's like "LOL I DON'T KNOW BRO" so it seems girls just flirt with him right away.

But it's okay. I love him. He invited me out tomorrow night to ren fair but I'm working unfortunately. I got to fuck around with that waitress I love and she was sweet to me asking how my night was. I was shocked that someone was caring towards me in person. Haven't had that in a long time.

Wow I'm drunk. I'm so sorry.

Okay when I was with Ronnie, there was this group of gorgeous girls who were with these two douche bags, they were like, attractive, but not in a way I like, but I can see the appeal. I totally judged them. I'm sorry. Lol.

But they had these gorgeous girls with them.

So I was outside with Ronnie. And I saw Sherwood, you know, the super intelligent dude who thinks I'm a misogynistic piece of shit. It sucks. Because I love him. I actually hugged him like crazy. And he joked how I'm boney so it doesn't work. And I joked back, is it better if I under hug you, under your titty? (He's a big guy lol) and it was funny. He was actually talking to THAT hot girl that was alone with that douche bag guy I mentioned. She actually say with us. And told us that that douchebag guy left her to go get drugs with these other girls he was trying to fuck all night. And she said he brought her out this night and he's been trying to fuck her for so long. She was upset. She was drunkish. And it was fun talking to her. I helped her out. So did Sherwood and I can't remember the other guys name, I'ma call him D. And we kept talking. It was great. I even told Sherwood how this is how one of my bad dates went down. And that dbag finally came back and got her and said "hey are you ready?" And she actually went with him. She shouldn't have. He left her man. He's such a douche. That poor girl was alone for so long. That she sat alone. And she joined us of her own accord. I bonded with her quite a bit. Yeah she's super attractive. Well, after the dbag took her away, D and Sherwood were joking like "yeah that guy probably wasn't happy that she went to go sit with a 40 year old, a fat guy and a guy with zero self esteem" I mean it's fucking funny. Sherwood said that. So 40 year old was D, the fat guy was Sherwood referring to himself, and the guy with zero self esteem was directed at me. But I was like, I mean my self-esteem IS Shit but I have a lot of confidence. But D and Sherwood shot that down saying how you can't have both, and said it's false confidence, and said that I have an "image" which I found offensive. And Sherwood said that my family treats women like shit and apparently I do too. I was so upset and angry about that. He based it off ONE date I had with a girl WHO LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GUY THAT HIT ON HER WHILE WE WERE ON A DATE. Apparently I'm the bad guy. I never fully even told him the story. But apparently I'm misogynistic. According to him and Ruth who think I'm a piece of shit, misogynistic crap face. I'm totally not. They misunderstood me entirely. If they only knew me. If they did. Honestly. They have this wrong idea of me and judge me for it and it's hard to fight them against it. They are these highly intelligent people who think they can't be wrong.

It's frustrating.

Alright. So at the end of the night

I saw Brenda again and she was talking to 4 other ppl. She felt weird with me saying hey to her again. I met the dude she was with and I was like bro, I've met you before and he said we haven't. I was like oh.... Okay. But apparently he knows of me. I stick out. I met another dude. And he said he's seen me here often. I've never seen him before. We were talking about video games before he mentioned that. Ya.

He was cool.

So anyway, I met these 3 people, Morgan, she's cute, Kim, she's cute and TANNER THIS DOUCHEBAG. and so, Morgan and Kim are girls and Morgan was telling Kim "omg that guy, wow he's SO HOT" and kim was like "what do you expect at a BAR" and Morgan kept saying she just turned 21 and she just came to this bar. She was astonished, amazed at how many hot guys are at bars. She kept saying how it's her first time. She was SO CUTE WOW. she looked at me and said "I like your chain" I have a chain on my jeans. I said "omg thank you for real" and she said "I love your nails" and I said lmao they got FUCKED at work. (I paint my middle finger and thumbs with black matte nail polish every now and then) and she was so into it. So, they were with TANNER. This white, fucking older douchebag, totally looked like a racist republican asshole piece of shit. And his attitude was like that. I mean, he was just so shitty. So maybe he got mad I was talking to Morgan and Kim. We shook hands and introduced each other. And he referred to me as "sup painted nails" and Morgan was like "wtf don't be mean" and he said "no I wasn't being mean" and his judgemental ass tried to get out of it. He was trying to teach Kim how to be mean. He said "tell this guy to shut up" and he was saying how gay guys SOMETHING something and I said "I like how you're fucking pointing at me while saying gay guys" and he's like, being a dick about it. I told him "well, I'm not gay, but I'm not totally straight." And he said "stay away from me" and I can't remember what I said but he wasn't clever at all and I kept stumping his dumb fucking ass, because I ACTUALLY AM clever as fuck. And the girls loved it. Here's where it got irritating. He was saying to Kim how you have to protect yourself from creeps. And I was saying I think she's strong enough to say no to creeps. And he said to me "I think girls think I'm creepy, I think it's my brassness and my voice" and I was nice to him. I said "nah man, you're good, I don't think that" and he was just so shitty back to me. And the girls were still there. And I said I come across scary too. And he said "yeah it's because of your hair. But if you shaved your head, you still have a... A gaunt face" and that hurt me a bit because I totally realize I'm skinny af now and not as cute as I used to be when I weighed more ( lost weight when I got dealthy ill, seriously). And then I was just being my ol cute self and I said "okay, but I'm still adorable" and the girls were like "you REALLY ARE" and Tanner said "I don't THINK you're adorable" and he was being so rude and saying I was ugly. I was like, wtf.

We were talking about Kim being careful of creeps. But as that whole conversation ended he slithered his way into telling Kim he lives at this place. And she is really too nice and said "um.. do you need a ride?" And he said yes. And I hope he didn't fucking take advantage of her. I feel so gross that I let her take him home. Do you know what he said as he left? He was like "next time, do as I say, pink, pink next time" and I said something like "I'm sorry, I dont listen to bitches telling me what to do" or something. I wasn't scared of him, I was ready to fucking destroy him. I'm a bit crazy. Don't ever forget I'm a grown ass MAN with crazy testosterone and I'm JUST as stupid as most guys when it comes to stupid fights like that. Remember how he was telling Kim to tell me to shut up? Well, he said something rude and something something and I told him "shut up" and he's like "what did you just tell me?" And I said in his face "shut up" and he kinda had no real come back. Fucking bitch. I'd destroy him. I'm stronger than I look. I kind of wanted to fight. I feel so much animosity in me. Especially for pieces of shit like him. Sherwood and D are not rude like that, I still consider them acquaintances. But tanner? Nigga I will kill you mother fucker, I'm fucking old as fuck, I don't take shit from pieces of shit I don't fucking respect. Pink nails? Bitch you're fucking jealous that the girls you're trying to get with like me more than you or SOMETHING. and trust me, I know how that feels but I'm not a fucking bitch about it.

I mean I wasn't hiding anything, I was in his face too. You can't really fuck with me.

Okay.

This is long.

I'll post the second half tomorrow or something

I have work tomorrow too. All the girls stopped talking to me. I don't know why. I didn't do anything wrong. I went out with my friends like, what the fuck? Also I got Morgan's Snapchat too. She's so cute. Lol she just turned 21 and she's so excited about bars and hot guys. Hahaha. I think she's very attractive.

OH! that girl with those douchebags. The hot girl that came to us, me, D and Sherwood? Yeah she randomly came up to me at the end of the night and hugged me so hard and said "thank you for watching out for me" and I got her instagram. She's so gorgeous lol. I can't believe she told us that that dbag has been trying to get with her for so long and ditched her like that. Sigh. She shouldn't have went back to him when he came back.

I'm still upset too, about Sherwood saying I have an "image." Cause it makes no sense. He was roasting me about how my top doesn't do anything and my tank top doesn't do anything. I'm like dude, this is my style, it comes form what I think is aesthetic and a lot with the music I listen to. I dress with what I like because it's what appeals to me. I mean how many guys fucking wear nail polish? For fucks sake, image? What image do you think I'm trying to present? Get the fuck out of here with that. It's so ridiculous. I'm way more confident than you could realize. And it makes no sense but it's just true. My self esteem sucks but I'm just real with what I see. I don't like it, I don't like parts of me. But I'm still confident. I don't see how why that's hard to believe? I'm just real with myself, if I don't like parts of myself I'm just like, yeah those parts suck ASS, BUT I'm still adorable, so what the fuck ever.

I hate that they are bringing me down by saying I can't be confident. It's really enraging. I'll have to have a talk with them.

It won't work cause they are so full of themselves. They say my insecurity comes across too. And I'm like, that's bullshit. I've only been deeply open with Sherwood, D, and Ruth when my HEART was broken after a break up. And instead of being supportive friends they judged me for it and misunderstood a date I had with a girl. Meanwhile Ruth bitches about her bad dates and shit. I mean Ruth cheated on her GF for fucks sake. How are you judging me

It's bizarre

It's bullshit

It makes me so angry

[veritytm]

The confrontation that just might drop kick butterfly whip my fear of attachment in the fukin spleen

To Derek: 

I have a lot to say, and I will do my best to keep this as objective as possible. But fair warning, this is not something I am naturally capable of being objective about and I will tell you why. First, let me preface this talk by saying that I am expecting the worst in return. I am expecting you to do nothing with this information in order to protect myself from any disappointment. The reason I am finally having this talk with you after contemplating on it for over a month, is that I need to lift this burden off of me, for me. So theoretically, I could even text or what the fuck I don’t know, email this to you. But knowing myself best, I express things best face to face in verbal communication. So anyways.

I don’t know if you even have a clue what hell I’ve been through in these past few weeks, but you’ve given me enough evidence to believe that you don’t care enough to find out. And here’s why. You and I both know that you can read me like no one else has, even by just my eyes. So that being said, I know you know something’s up but just evidently don’t care. I don’t know if you realize but you left me completely in the dark. You put on a show of empty promises that first night we kissed, and hell I fell for it. I remember that night better than I remember most things. It took you literally 3 hours for you to break down my walls and successfully win my trust over, and in those 3 hours I told you my one biggest fear. I told you that I’m deathly scared of attachment and abandonment. I told you that I’ve been through countless instances of being abandoned after someone got me to trust them. You held me while I saw a completely vulnerable side of you. I even told you about my BPD. I tried to push you away and you understood why, and reassured me by telling me all the words I wanted to hear. You once told me that you think you’re a bad person and that you fear hurting someone unintentionally. Well guess what, I think you proved your own fear true. I get super super super attached to ideas, and my biggest weakness in that would be relationships. That’s literally what BPD is. If you couldn’t live up to your word, you should have never made those promises. I get that it’s not your fault that things have been hard for you, but you had no right to use that as an excuse to not keep your promises.

You don’t realize what you were doing when you broke down those walls and left me hanging with unfulfilled promises of who you would be to me. You promised that you wouldn’t be like one of the guys of my past, and yet you proved yourself to be just that. Of all people, a rare person that I connected to an trusted on a whole nother level. Do you even realize what this has done on my already strained ability to trust people or have intimacy with people? 

I was doing fine on my own, but you basically inadvertently insisted that I needed you to complete me. You painted this beautiful picture of the person you were and what we could be, only to ghost me emotionally. I should have believed you when you said you’ve done that in the past. Even during sex, you told me verbatim that “I was made for you” and that “I am the one for you.” In the most intimate way we could possibly be, you told me those words and made me fall for you. Of course I was drawn to it, like, finally someone in the world says he wants to show me the love I’ve always deserved. And you couldn’t fulfill any of your promises. Not even sexual promises. And you went on living like it was okay to disappear with no consequences.

I get that you were going through a hard time - so was I. But that doesn’t give you the right to say all those things to me, and return void in almost every future circumstance. In fact, I was going through so much shit you weren’t aware about, but I always considered you first because although I don’t know shit about what romantic love is, I loved you like I love my roommates. I know I loved you because I was willing to make sacrifices that I wouldn’t make for other people. I became extraordinarily selfless for you in a time where I desperately needed and deserved to be selfish for myself & my own shit. You made me attached. I feel like you got what you needed out of me. You took advantage of my selflessness. I’ll give you some examples that honestly haunt me to no end.

There was this time when you said verbatim “you have helped me in 2 weeks more than anyone else has in 20 years.” And hell, I believe you, because I know the lengths I went to help you. I was the one who helped you through realizing you had ADHD. I gave you adderall, gave you connections to my psychiatrist, and told you about CAE. Without me, you probably wouldn’t have the appeal to UCLA you have now, and if you get to stay, you owe it all to me. What you didn’t realize is how hard that was for me. I had to dig through my own trauma of realizing I had severe depression and I had to learn all this on my own. It’s something that’s so painful in my past at UCLA fall quarter my first year, and yet I dug through that turmoil because I knew my experience would help you. I have a special place in my heart for people with mental illness - you knew that, and took advantage of that. You even went on to say, that same night, that you want to keep me a secret from APhiO. You said that if anyone asked you if we had a thing, you’d lie and say no to protect your reputation or whatever. How do you even treat someone who helped you that much that way? You said that you might have to be “eternally grateful” for me - is running away how you show that? I remember responding saying like “I think that’s selfish” (which took a lot of courage btw) “but ok.” And I just took that shit like I always did. In fact, in compliance with your selfish desire to keep me a secret despite who you know damn well I was to you, and because I cared about you so much, I didn’t tell anyone about this. I just kept bottling up my feelings of abandonment inside to honor your wishes. I cared about you that much. The only person who knew how I was feeling was my best friend on the east coast. Literally you forced me to trap my feelings inside, and it was killing me like you have no idea. Like how do you treat someone you begged to be with that way?

There were always things I wanted to say about us, but I just felt like they weren’t relevant enough because I knew you were going through other shit. I just kept holding off my feelings and invalidating how much they hurt just to protect you. I didn’t want to burden you with more problems even though they were hurting me so much. It was literally killing me on the inside. You just always seemed to talk about your problems and never wanted to know about mine or how I was genuinely doing. I told you that my main fear of the idea of us, was that I would fall so hard that I’d lose myself. You again proved my fear true.

I just kept making excuses for you and putting you before myself. I kept holding onto the Derek that I was fooled into believing in, and trying to justify all your actions with the image you portrayed of yourself in the beginning. I kept having faith to a fault in you. I fell for the Derek that poured his heart out to me. I told you that your absence is louder than your presence. You even had the audacity to be the one to say that if people care they will stay, after I got dp’ed, and yet here we are. I don’t think any of that meant anything to you. I don’t believe it now. Like nevermind the whole fact that you were back on tinder and I don’t know how many girls you’ve been with since me, but I’ll tell you that I literally cannot have intimacy with anyone else anymore. I don’t trust anyone physically or emotionally anymore and it’s literally ruined me.

If you want another example, that night that I got taken advantage of I already knew you were getting distant but I just needed someone more than anything that night. Someone I knew had the capacity to care for me if they really had to. And I made a mistake of believing that you’d stay, because you chose dance over me. And I get that dance is really important to you - I’ve respected that this whole way. But you make time for things that matter, and from that you showed that I was never going to be important enough for you. 

Like I don’t even want to go into more examples even though I could, because in my mind it’s only reinforcing the feeling they left me with that I’m not worth it.

After everything you know I’ve been through, which, you hadn’t even scratched the surface, you knew I deserve more than this. I deserved better. You led me on to believe an idea, and you decided in a matter of days that you couldn’t keep your promise when times got hard, and you ran. Whatever you felt about me didn’t match your actions, because if you really felt that way about me you would’ve stayed no matter how hard things were for you. I mean, I did it.

Like I acknowledge that there were times when you were there for me. They just weren’t consistent enough to show that you could withstand the test of time or inconvenience for me. You just slowly faded out from my life, even when shit was getting worse. And yeah, I get it, you just “couldn’t do it.”

You took like 3 hours to get me to be open & vulnerable after I tried to push you away physically and emotionally over & over in the wooded spot. You learned some of my deepest fears and reassured me with utter sincerity that you had the capacity to be a different person from the rest. You looked at me and said things to me the way no one ever has. You made it clear what your intentions were and made me believe that they were unconditional, hence you actually said verbatim that you would wait for me. Of course I’d get attached to the idea of you, I mean you really sold your case there. I don’t deny that you were sincere but you only were for the moment. I get that things have been so difficult for you, so that’s why I tried to justify you leading me on and also why I continued to put your needs above mine. However you don’t even have a clue what it has done to me for you of all people to do this to me, from having freedom to share anything we wanted, to me unable to convey my emotions. You were the last person in my whole life that I thought could make my deepest fear come true, & for you to change your mind and become a facade in a matter of days after I let myself open up finally and fall for you I can’t even accurately depict how depressingly polarizing that feels. You told me all the things I’ve wanted to hear for 20 years and even you, of all people, had the nerve to lead me on and play on my extremes. I literally had a panic attack the morning we had sex because I felt so completely vulnerable - you didn’t understand the extent to which you broke my walls and made me feel safe, and my bpd mind went into overdrive. Did you ever think why I have those attachment and commitment issues? Because people like you tell me that I am the person who was made for you and the one for you, and this time I finally chose to believe it. and you even say I helped you more than anyone has in 20 years, and you still want to conceal me from your circle for your own gain. You instigated my mind of extremes to cling to an evidently false image you created, so I don’t think I will ever be able to let anyone in anymore because if there was one person who I finally wanted to welcome in, it was you. And so I completely give up in the idea of relationships. But this whole thing bout us doesn’t have the same gravity on u and I’m not saying that you don’t have feelings but I know this meant more for me bc of who I am. I’ve had so many panic attacks, so many bad dreams, and so many times I sobbed since this. And you just don’t even know. 

(A very, very rough draft that I do not plan to return to and polish.)

[cheerstocrazy]

Vegas Weekend Recap

Jenny hit me up to go to Vegas bc she got left behind, but I was supposed to have an interview on Friday. It ended up getting cancelled, so I started to pack frantically. I was freaking out bc I was SO FAT and felt so rushed. We finally got on our merry way, made it to Vegas after a truly pain-inducing car ride, getting lost, not being able to find a parking garage. It sucked, but I kept my cool the entire time. We parked so far and had to walk for what felt like a mile to the hotel. When we got there, no one even opened the door bc they were all passed out from the pool party. I thought 2 of the guys were gay bc their eyebrows were done lolol. FF a bit and we all got dressed to go to Marquee. We took quite a few shots. All in all, it was a bust of a night bc I wasn’t feeling buzzed, and the girls wanted to go home. Oh well, at least I got 6 hours of sleep. I was exhausted, but I could’ve gone ham too. Drank a crap ton for the pool party the next day, but felt drunk off 6 shots bc I only have falafels in the morning!! Made it to the pool party, and Jas forgot her ID UGH. Jen and I weren’t abt to wait on her, so we grabbed our 2 free drinks and just sat and wait around. Also Jen was kinna a buzzkill bc she was sick and couldn’t drink and was sober. Anyway, pool party was fun, I didn’t even finish my drinks and was feeling so drunk. I think I danced with Knox and had to take care of him too, bc he wasn’t a functional human anymore. Saw Kevin which was kinna cool. Oliver Heldens was the DJ, and the music was really good. We got a really cool Ethiopian driver with whom I enjoyed conversing, but turns out he only did it to get a large tip, so FUCK YA, YA DOUCHE. Jenny was so done once she got home, she couldn’t get up anymore. We walked everywhere to find food, and she wasn’t feeling it/hungry at all, so she didn’t go out at night. I also matched with a Welsh dude from Tinder and I told him we were going out to Omnia. We got dressed and pregamed pretty hard. I drink too much. I ended up wearing Susy’s pretty friggin revealing black cropped/tie top with no bra, and I felt so naked, but looked hot so whatever. We had such an annoying taxi incident again after when a fucking driver kept going when we said wait, we’ll get out. We ended up running over to Omnia bc Susy’s guy was so close to the front of the line and there was so much miscommunication. That killed our vibes and my buzz so much. We were sweating, hot, and annoyed. Finally found the 3 guys, so I asked the bouncer from behind if we could go to the front to meet them. Then we go up, and this fucking LATINO BOUNCER ON A POWER TRIP tries to start something with us and telling us either the guys enter only or everyone goes back. You just cut. The guys were helping us and making up valid excuses. Then the bouncer is like you should have asked if you could cut. I was like BRUHHHH, I FUCKING ASKED THE BLACK ONE BACK THERE. JUST FUCKING HOLD UP A SECOND, ILL GET HIM PINCHE PENDEJO. Wtf, why is everyone trying to start a fight with us. NO ONE HAS GOOD VIBES!! We went in and it turns out they didn’t even have a table FUCK. We’re like well shit, we ain’t paying, so we ended up having to get the guest list pass after all, and it worked out thank god. They ditched the guys which was kinna sad, but not my problem. Anyway, we made it up 3 flights of stairs and he bought us a round of tequila shots. I downed it like a champ and didn’t cringe while the girls made the sour face. I was shocked myself. Jas and I left her bc Jas was like ok, I’m abt to show you a good time, I love Omnia. We took a lap around the tables and didn’t see anyone that looked like they were offering a spot. We made it to the bar and were like we don’t even have our IDs or cards to buy anything. I see this super slim and drunk hairy Italian eyeing Jas. She talks to him, he’s saying oh, you are so beautiful, are you from the heavens? Then I cut to the chase and say if you think she’s so beautiful, buy her a drink! He’s like sure, so I called out 3 TEQUILA SHOTS PLEASE. lmao. He was dressed super shitty, but I guess after that shot, I was feeling loose, so he started hitting on me and who am I to resist? We just danced with each other and we hooked up (fml). He’s not a bad kisser by any means, and we spent a lot of time with each other. I gave him a HJ on the dance floor, and he fingered me a little too heh. I took a couple of photos and he kept kissing me along the neck, which I really liked. I just like to be held/touched when I’m drunk, which he was doing. Also, my philosophy is you gotta find a guy to do shit with to pass the time with. Jas was with a creepy guy and wanted to go, so I was like whenever you want to peace, just lmk. We left to find Susy, and Jas swore she was on the terrace, when I was like SHE IS ON THE BOTTOM DANCE FLOOR!!! GIRL, U IS DRUNK. Anyway, we finally find her and yay happy times! Also, I think the Italian found me again, so I was like shit how??? Jas bounced bc she didn’t have a guy and wanted to get more drinks. Danced with the Italian all the while the Welsh guy is texting me asking where I am. I’m drunk, I’m dancing with a guy, and texting Welsh all at once. Idk where I was or how I got there, so it’s just a lot of back and forth (read Whatsapp, kinna funny). I had no clue where I was, only described the music. Finally, he said he was at the Hearts Club, and I looked around and was like wait I’m here too!!! I told him to wait in an obvious place, and I’d go find him. It’s 3 am. I walked to the bar and passed this guy along the rail, Idk what came over me, but when I passed the end of the rail, I turned back and shouted Tom??? He turned around, and I was so elated! I remember thinking, “Oh, he’s cute!” I think I hugged him. I’m not sure if I grabbed his hand, but we went to dance with Susy. Everything is super fuzzy here. I think we were just dancing casually when we were with Susy, and he was still holding his beer. He ended up taking me to the bar and we took a love shot together. It was by far one of hte worst shots ever. After I took it, I was gagging and screaming at the bartender can I get a lime????? Then after he saw my reaction, he gave me a cup of water and a glass of pineapple juice. SWEET ANGEL FROM HEAVEN, TYSM. You know nothing in Vegas is free, but he gave me all of that!! After this, Idk where he lead me, but I’m guessing it was the main stage. He grabbed my face to kiss me, and his lips were really similar to the Italian’s, almost same kissing style too, but he used significantly less tongue which I appreciated. The one thing abt his kissing is that he was a tease, so he pulled away after a while, when I just wanted to keep kissing. I left my phone in his shirt pocket so I could dance hands free. Idr when, but I heard Disarm You play, so I opened my eyes and looked up, and we were 10 feet away from Kaskade, which was a total moment for me!! I was having a freakout bc I love that song!! Kaskade was there!!! Wtf how???? He played Atmosphere and Eyes too, I was gonna cry!! I would turn around so we were back to front, so I could dance, but he just turned me around. Then I look at my phone and start seeing texts from an unknown number so I assumed it was Susy. She’s like where the fuck are you???? I texted her and told her to leave me. I was gonna leave with him tonight. I just needed them to open the door later. We clearly weren’t on the same schedules bc I meant open the door later as in the morning (possibly at night, idk I was drunk. Idk the time) She thought I wanted to leave immediately. She also thought I was already at the hotel, and I was like no wtf I’m still in Omnia where you left us. So I decided to regorup, I took him outside, and we found them (with other guys milking them for drinks JFC they’re good). They were so relieved haha. Jas also met him and she’s like so you’re from Wales? Do you speak Wale-ish? He said no, I speak Welsh, and she proceeded to ask him that 3x more SMFH. I think after talking, I said ok we’re gonna go use the RR. Went to use it and I just remember (all night tbh) me holding out my right hand, so he’d hold it and come with me. We come back and Susy is like NATALIE YOU NEED TO STOP DISAPPEARING LIKE THAT!! I was like what??? I told you I was gonna use the RR wtf. Anyway, we sat to the way right of them, and Idk what took over my brain, but after he sat down, I was like I’m going to sit on you, then I proceeded to wrap my arm around him. Clearly, wasn’t thinking Idk (?????) Some convo topics we had that I vaguely remember: I think I began with so you’re Welsh? He replied, How do you know that? I said well, you went to Cardiff...He’s like right. me: I know my geography, I’m not an idiot.  I asked for 2 cups of ice and was like how would you address a bartender in British? Mate?? He’s like mate or pal. I was like uhh, I would never say pal pero ok weirdo. I also was feeding him the pieces of ice, and some of them didn’t even make it in. lol Then he brought up the word randy, but Idr the context, probably talking abt himself. He’s like it means sexually aroused. I was like uh, def never heard that before.  I asked him to speak Welsh, and he’s like do you want to hear one of the hardest phrases? Sure. He said it and I couldn’t even tell where the syllables began and ended. I repeated it to him horrifically, and he just laughed. I couldn’t hear either and ofc I was drunk, so I was prolly slurring.  I asked him what his last name was (expecting a cool Welsh name): Jones. Your name is Tom Jones? You’re fucking kidding, right? That’s so classic British jfc. I couldn’t believe it. I probably laughed. He was 5′10-6′. He was muscular and fit like an American, which surprised me. He was wearing a t-shirt, Idk how he got into Omnia. He had really nice arms, which I kept feeling. He also smelled really nice, both of which I’m sure I told him. He’s super sweet, nice, relaxed, fun to be with, and supe gentlemanly. Didn’t go up my skirt at all on the dance floor. He went through my top sleeves a few times, and that’s it. I was surprised. I was like you can grab my boobs dude (in my head). It’s 5 am at this point, and everyone decides to leave. We also finally took our full length photos looking hella trashed. I grab Tom and we start walking to our hotel across the street, and I was like Tom I can’t walk anymore, can you give me a piggyback ride? He’s like ya sure, so he did, but she said your skirt’s gonna show. I was like Idc, I literally cannot walk anymore, so he tried to cover me. He would always be on the lookout behind and sideways, and whenever he saw someone he would spin so that my butt wasn’t facing them. His watch was also cutting into my left leg, so I was like ow, what is that? It’s hurting me. He put me down, took it off, then carried me again. That’s when I tried recording him, and he’s like if you record me, I’m putting you down. *hence the video. They got pizza, and I wasn’t even hungry. I was just so tired!! They all sat down to talk and we found Justin!!! Wtf!!!!! The feeling of being reunited is second to none haha! I sat next to Tom and was so tired, so I just wrapped my arm around his left and arm fell asleep on his shoulder. I really like to be held and hold people when I’m drunk -- something I’ve discovered. Susy was telling me to be careful with my top bc it was showing, but I could not care less. It was 5:35 ish at this point and I have no recollection abt getting back to the hotel, but I was still with Tom and we didn’t talk abt spending the night, but I guess it was expected. Jas was with her guy still, so I was like I guess I’m ok *shrugs* Jenny’s passed out on the bed, so I was like Jenny, go to the main bed. I told her a few times, and she was mumbling something back to me, but I didn’t hear. Then finally I was like, Jenny, there’s a guy! So she grabbed the blanket and hauled ass over there. I changed super quickly bc I was so uncomfortable and tired. I just gave him a HJ under the covers, and he was moaning so much, so I kept telling him Shhh. Sidenote: Jenny said she thought he was snoring so much, which is why I shushed him. LMAO. I also remember him adjusting the sheets and kissing me and I saw him smiling. So sweet. Anyway, after a bit of the HJ, my head met his dick, so I just gave him a BJ. It was super lite and before I saw it, I was like it doesn’t look that bad tbh. It also tasted really good and felt good too. I was trying to be so quiet, so I hardly did anything good. Then I told him to go down on me but either he was ignoring me or didn’t hear me. I asked him if he had a condom, and he didn’t. I think this is the point where I rolled over from exhaustion and bc we weren’t gonna have sex (!!! no condom!!!) Next thing I know, Im wakened up by this motion in my butthole/vagina area?? I was like is he fingering me...but it was really consistent, and I could start to feel the pressure. Then I thought omg is this anal? Then realized it was sex, and he was fucking me from behind. Then I was like but wait, he doesn’t even have a condom. It felt kinna good (idek, I was so sleepy) I was surprised he even got it in by himself. I could hear him moaning too, but I was in and out of slumber at this point. He was starting to go harder, so I could hear and feel the slaps really quickly. He repositioned himself and I think it fell out and he wasn’t getting a good angle anymore. He took it out, and I felt my vagina was a little wet, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I came or not. I don’t think he finished though. I fell asleep shortly after. Then I hear loud knocks on the door, and I was like who the fuck is that?? I was gonna open the door, looked under the blanket, and was like wtf I’m butt-naked, where are my shorts??? I just stayed under the sheets, but I also needed to pee, so I grabbed my green throw and wrapped it around me. I found my shorts and undies on the floor so I grabbed it and went into the RR right as Knox was leaving. He’s like, so who is that guy?? Why is his dick so small?? *makes the hook gesture with index finger* Can’t believe you settled for that, Natalie. Kept talking to me, ALL IN FRONT OF TOM (I just realized this rn, omg I’m mortified lololol) I was so embarassed bc he was not the first I wanted to talk to abt this, and I just met him a day ago. It was like a brother scolding sister talk. So funny but so awkward. I was putting on my undies and struggling so much. Tom was super cuddly. When I was cuddling him, he had one arm underneath me, and the other was one was holding my hand (not wrapped around him) on his chest. I remember being super tired, but liked the sensation of his hand and wanted to see if we were actually holding hands, so I moved it a bit. Whenever I turned around, he would always turn with me and cuddle me. He would slip his arm under my right arm and into my shirt. He just really liked the touch of skin. I also remember telling Knox to close the blinds, and he’s like OMG THERE ARE BUTTONS?? smfh. Anyway with the darkness, I think I gave him another HJ, but he didn’t finish. We fell back asleep.He tapped me ever so softly on my shoulder, and he said he was gonna go. I got up too and couldn’t find my sandals, so I went barefoot. He grabbed his shoes and we both left barefoot. He thought I was gonna leave him at the door, but I walked him all the way to the elevator. I asked him for the time while we were walking, but his phone was dead. When he left, Idk how he felt, but he grabbed my face to give me a peck. I am not a one peck girl, so I went back to kiss him twice more.  When everyone woke up in the morn, they were like NATALIE, WHAT HAPPENED GIRL????? Knox asked me for more details in the morn, and when I told him, he fist pounded me and said I like you!  It took me all morning to piece together what happened and looking through time stamps of convos bc I hardly remember anything. I don’t think I browned out, but I def don’t have full recollection. FML I didn’t mean/expect the night to turn out like this!! Omg, I’m a nice and normal person!! Also, I slept only 80 minutes that morning and I was suicidal all Sunday and I’m still freaking recovering from it. That was wild and ugh too much for my body to handle. 

[trs80sbby-blog]

Fireworks!

“Fireworks” is appropriate since the story I’m about to tell took place on New Years Eve. We all know that I have been struggling with the dating scene and that I pretty much gave up on that bullshit, but I want to remember this story. I want to remember it because I want to come back to this one day and say that I lived with a stranger for a couple of hours and I loved him before he left my sight. ( Let’s be clear that when I say I loved him, I loved him. His energy his personality and everything that makes him, him.) And honestly, I didn’t believe that any part of this story was actually possible.

Tinder

I have been on Tinder for way too fuckin long. It’s a gateway to life’s destruction to be completely honest but i took my part in it. Swipe left, Swipe Right, SUPER LIKE!!! Bullshit! But I would spend my time at work swiping left and right on people and reading minimal bios in the 500 characters that were allowed. I swiped right another time on a bio that read, “ be prepared to meet if we match.” Or something in that context, I’m sure there was more but I’ve since deleted tinder, again, so I cant go back and say for sure. Anyways.. I dont remembered who messaged who first, but we started chatting a little bit and then eventually we got off tinder and started texting each other. Again, I know I’m leaving out some details but I don’t remember the conversation we had on tinder or who gave their number first. I wasnt invested really. And seriously thats not important. You’ll see. We met on Tinder. The universe introduced us on Tinder.

Dodging Bullshit

Sometimes I think that I am so broken or so insecure that I’m genuinely not worth people’s time. And then there are other times where I am this powerful insatiable Queen and I believe that people aren’t worth my time. At this time I was conflicted with both. It was refreshing that he didnt like to text so much, so the brief couple of conversations we had after exchanging numbers was nice, but mentally, I wasnt sure if I wanted to be vulnerable or a total bitch. Look, I have a back story that I can tell one day, but just know that i have a reason for the way i am. People have thrown so much shit my way while dating and I have had enough free dinners and free drinks and free movies, that I have concluded that my time isn’t worth all that. I like to eat but I dont like to repeat myself.

“Hi, my name is Shawnta.”

“What do you do?”

“What are you looking for?”

“What’s your story?”

Who wants to answer those question 50 thousand times over and over again for different ignorant people? I need a fuckin drink please..

So when he asked to take me out before New Years, I was hesitant. Sick and hesitant. Details..

Planning

Initially we were suppose to go see a movie since apparently we both like movies. Now, that might sound common, but I love movies. Junkie... And with the admittance of him being able to shed a tear during a sad scene, I was able to accept that he might be just the junkie i needed when it came to a movie partner. We never went to the movies. Lol. Discussed it a little more, but nothing solid. I didn’t care.

Pause; If I’m coming off as if I’m lost, I was..

Do you meet people while you’re sick? It’s not like I didnt tell him. He said I had sars and still wanted to meet me. I procrastinated on plans so much and time was running out to the point that I really had to make a decision. By this time, in my head, I wanted to meet him, I just didnt want to be disappointed or be the disappointment. We finally planned to get together on New Years Eve around 7 because I did not want to stay out all night. 7 changed to 8, 8 changed to 9, and 9 changed to 9:30pm SHARP!! Some where between 7 and 8 is when the Universe decided to start making decisions for me, and make it very clear that I’m going out.

Have you ever felt a shift in your energy that was so noticeable and positive that you had no choice but to embrace it? That’s what I felt when that decision was made for me. I did my make up. I got dressed in this beautiful, shoulderless, shear, burgundy, full length dress. And wore heels, my favorite ones at that, and I walked out the house with more confidence than I’ve had all year.

Shady Lady / R15

Shady Lady requires collared shirts. He didnt wear one. We didnt go to Shady Lady as planned. We went to R15 which was at the other end of the block. Downtown, Sacramento has all these places that can bring you in and swallow you whole. I think R15 did that to us and the fact that the bartender made a really decent Manhattan for him and a heavy handed margarita for me. We sat at the bar and I was finally able to really look at this beautiful, 6 foot something, brown skinned man. He has the perfect eyebrows, seriously the perfect face and bone structure. But the most irresistible part of him is his eyes. His eyelashes are thick and full, and did I say perfect? He’s gorgeous. And then he spoke. I need you to understand that yes, we had previous conversations over the phone and his voice is captivating, but it’s a spell in person. He spoke and I listened to his tone. What the fuck! This man spoke to me and I felt the universe’s desired to take hold of this situation all over again. The power of attaction, as he says, was definitely present. The way he looked at me was indescribable. And I could be in my own head at this time, but he looked at me and called me beautiful. I’ve been called beautiful by a lot of men this past year and not once did I believe them. But when the words flowed off his lips, I tasted his truth. We were in this bar full of people, but a chill environment and music surrounded us, but it was just us. You can read that a million times in a million books and never understand it until it actually happens to you. It was loud, so I had to lean into him so that he could talk to me, and as I’m moving away to look at him again, we kissed. Did I go in to kiss him or was it the other way around? I’m not sure.. But it happen and the world tilted a little. His kiss was soft, he held my cheek and lead that kiss into another realm of pleasure. Heroin.. The most addictive drug known to man. His kiss instantly became my heroin, and it didnt go unnoticed by anyone.

Midnight

The countdown was coming. And we already kissed, so you’d think, what’s one more new years kiss right? You couldn’t be more wrong. I kissed him at 12am January 1, 2018, and I loved him in that moment. I loved the energy that he forced into my body through that kiss. Sleeping beauty would’ve woke up with that kiss, fuck Prince Charming, I had him.

Public

Throughout the night we talked and people watched a little. He had to go to the restroom and thats when it became obvious that we were being watched. This incredibly bubbly woman came up to me, and told me that she’s been wanting to come say something to me for a while. She told me that i was gorgeous and my idiot self asked her who she was talking to. One day ill learn to accept compliments without making a total ass of myself. Then she started to talk about me and him. This is when I knew i wasnt imagining what was happening.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“You guys look at each other so intensely.”

“I just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you guys are.”

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that this was our first date.

“DAMMNNN.”

By this time, he returned with a kiss. But so did his friends. This allowed us some time to become a little social. I introduced him to my bubbly new friend, and he introduced me to his friends that arrived. I excused myself to smoke a cigarette with miss bubbles and met her boyfriend. He was handsome too. Omg they are the cutest couple. Lumberjack meets tinkerbell. Lumberjack was trying to be kind and tried to introduce me to one of his friends.

“I don’t know if youre here with anyone, but if you are, my guy here is better than your guy,”

When I tell you that MY GUY had perfect timing. We were standing right outside the bar door when this was happening. I could see him through the closed door, and as lumberjack is talking I could see him making his way to me. He came out and i introduced lumberjack to my guy. He didn’t come out because he say us three talking, he came out to see if I was ok and give me a kiss. After the introduction he went right back in to his friends. When I went back into the bar, we socialized a little more and then the bar started to prepare to close. Time flew.

Goodbyes

He asked if i was ready to leave. Unfortunately I had no choice but to say yes. So he walked me to my car. As we were walking I asked him if he wanted to sit in my car while he waited for his Lyft or Uber, and then the words just slipped off of my lips.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Ok Pause again...

The words slipped my lips but I meant them. I didn't want him to leave. I didnt want to drive home and not have him around me or next to me.

He got in the car and the goodbyes didnt happen.

Goodnight, Good morning

When we got into the house, I changed into what I regularly sleep in. Nothing sexy or remotely attractive. And he stripped down to his boxers or briefs. I wasnt paying attention. The alcohol kicked in for him and i was a little tipsy. Two too many Manhattans lol. I remember asking if he wanted a glass of water and getting it for him... So this is probably where you want to hear all the details on what happened. Sexually... I can’t. God, I want to say everything and be like, we had amazing sex and it lasted all night and blah blah blah.. No... That’s not what happened. Things happened that deserve gold metals, but whatever... I woke up at about 4 or 5 and I thought it was all some sick dream that I had. I went to the bathroom, not even looking at where he was laying. Coming out the bathroom, I saw him sleeping and my heart stopped for a second. It all hit me like lightning hitting a tree and leaving its beautiful artwork. This man chose to spend New Years with me. He is genuine, kind, honest and in my bed sleeping like that has been his side of the bed for years.

I wanted to climb in bed and hold him just so that when i fell back asleep, he wouldn’t disappear. I did, just for a moment though because I dint know if he liked to cuddle. I found out later that i totally could’ve lol.

8 o’clock... We were laying there, and we may not have been able to witness the fireworks the previous night, but we made our own that morning. What the fuck, I’m so cheesy.. This man is... Who is this man??

Have you heard of Malanda Jean-Claude? He’s my favorite writer, and his poetry will leave you completely lost in a forest of confusing, frustrating, necessary love.

I felt like he was writing our story.

This morning has an ending

So, he had to leave at some time. I mean come on now...

But that night was life awaking inside me. I have slept for so long and I didnt know I was ever going to wake up. And to top it off, I regret nothing. I know that I used some strong descriptions with this man, and I’m completely aware that i could be disappointed later, but maybe not. Who knows. Shit, it wasnt us that was making all that happen that night.

We talk everyday. Seriously, i told him that I’m obsessed with his voice. Fuck a text.

Point of the story is this. You can have plans for your life all you want.. You can fall apart and build yourself up again, and repeat this 100times before you die. But dont sleep through life. Embrace the good, accept the bad, learn, grow. And on top of all of that BE LOVED, BE BLESSED, cause your forehead is being kissed every night that you close your eyes to go to sleep. And you lips are being kissed every morning you open your eyes and take that breath.

[characterxreaderfics]

Frozen Dean Winchester x Reader Fic

: !! Romantic junk, comedy, and a whole lot of smut lies ahead. You have been warned !!:

P.O.V = point of view

E/C = eye colour

Y/N = your name

______________________________

Chapter One

______________________________

~Your P.O.V~

| | hello! My name is Y/N , I'm not exactly your average girl, I'm not an instagram model with a thigh gap or a flat tummy, but I'm me! I'm a huge book nerd, I love LOTR, HP, etc. Etc! I don't really listen to anything other than classic rock and occasionally a little bit of Taylor Swift.. also, if you get close to me, you better have licorice.. | |

"Whew.. all done!" You sighed,

You had just filled in a long tinder bio, you read it over and decided it was okay

*click*

*Tinder bio updated!*

You got up from your desk and headed down to the kitchen

Boxes were spread around the kitchen, as you had only moved in just two days prior. You were scavenging the food boxes when you found a box that wasn't supposed to be there.

It was the box with your mother's stuff in it.

Three months before your move, your mother had passed away peacefully in her sleep, she was suffering from bone cancer for nearly two years. She fought hard but couldn't fight any longer. She was always a brave woman, the strongest you ever knew. So when she passed away, you were torn but you knew it was going to be okay.

You picked up the first thing you saw in the box- a picture, it was of her, holding you when you were a baby, you felt tears on the verge of falling, so when you blinked, you accidentally got tears on the picture, you made sure to quickly wipe them away. You turned the picture over, and saw your mother's beautiful handwriting

"October 4th, 1992, going home!"

This was taken just a couple days after you were born, you smiled, looking down at the picture one last time before placing it back in the box and closing it up to put into the attic.

As you were crossing your room, box in hand, you heard a faint *ting!* coming from your computer.

You put the box outside your bedroom door and headed into your room, sat at the computer: and saw a tinder notification.

*you got a match!*

Only a couple seconds later you saw you got a "super-like" and a direct message by "impala67"

_____________________

~ Tinder chat ~

=================================

Impala67: hey, so.. we were matched.

Gandalf11: looks like it.

Impala67: what's your name?

Gandalf11: gandalf obvi :P

Impala67: hahah okay, gandalf. For real, what's your name?

Gandalf11: Y/N 's the name! How about you?

Impala67: names Dean :P

Gandalf11: hello, Dean.

Impala67: hello, Y/N.

Gandalf11: so, I don't really know how this whole tinder thing works.. I'm quite new..

Impala67: well, tinder basically just hooks you up with people with similar interests, and then they go out on a date, and see if it works out or not. A lot of people use this site for one-night-stands but that's not really what I'm here for.

Gandalf11: oh! So.. should.. we.. go on a date..??

Impala67: of course! :) are you free on Tuesday?

Gandalf11: hold on let me check.

~ten minutes later~

Impala67: .. hello? y/n?

Gandalf11: hey! Sorry that took so long I had to scavenge the billions of boxes for my calendar 😧 and yes, I'm free this Tuesday.

Impala67: ah, moving?

Gandalf11: just moved in, actually. Been putting off un-packing for two days lol

Impala67: hahah. So, when should I pick you up?

Gandalf11: 5:3o should be good :P

Impala67: great! I'll pick you up then, but I have to go, my brothers bugging me about leaving for our job 😐

Gandalf11: hahah okay, I'll send you my location later but for now ill let you go :)

Impala67: alright, it was nice talking to you, y/n :D

Gandalf11: as it was to you, Dean :) bye!

Impala67: bye :)

_______________________________

*end of chat*

=================================

~Deans P.O.V~

"Dean! Hurry up we don't have all night!" Sam yelled

"Yeah, yeah!" I yelled back

I got up and put my phone in my pocket, left the room and put on a flannel and a coat, and saw sam already waiting at the door

"Dude.. where's my keys?"

I patted myself down and looked behind me, then I heard tinkling, I looked back at Sam, who, not that surprisingly, was holding my keys teasingly. I walked over to the door, snatched my keys and walked out, and heard him laughing behind me.

I walked up to my baby and opened the door, sam doing the same, and we got in, I started the car, and heard the familiar purr of baby

"Listen to her purr, sammy! Ain't she beautiful?" I exclaimed happily

Sam looked over at me, happy but also a little puzzled

"Dude what's gotten into you? Only two hours ago you were all grumpy then you went on your phone and now suddenly you're so happy" sam chuckled

"What? Can't a guy be happy for once sam? GOD" I said sarcastically.

I looked over at sam, smiling, and watched him laugh while looking out the window. I always loved moments like these, seeing my little brother in a good mood always cheers me up. I started driving onto the main road out of town, there was a pack of vamps camping out in minesota killing sheep and people every week, so we figured we'd go scope the place out.

____________________

~Your P.O.V~

=================================

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

*ri- S L A M*

"Uuuuggghh" you sigh

You sit up straight, your hair is messy, not the cute messy either, and there's mascara smeared all over your face

You open your eyes to see your mirror in front of you, and scare yourself

"JESUS FUCK AND DAMNATION" you've been scared awake, and then realize you got scared over your own reflection, and then you realize and chuckle to yourself, "why am I laughing to myself? That's so sad, so stereotypical it could be in a cheesy fanfiction." You say to yourself

'That too..' you think

'All of that cou-' you stop yourself, you're thinking too deep into this..

You get up from your bed and head down to the kitchen to make yourself some breakfast

"And todays special breakfast is Ramen with a hardboiled egg.." you whisper to yourself

That's when you hear something crash upstairs, your head jets up to look up the stairs behind you

"What the fuck?" You say shakily

You grab a kitchen knife, the water is still boiling behind you, but thats the least of your worries right now.. you tiptoe to the stairs and look up.. there's nothing there..

You walk up the stairs, knife still in hand

You walk to your room

"Sounds like it came from.. in here.."

You open the door, only to see the cutest black kitten, with the brightest blue eyes you've ever seen. It's adorable, but then you notice it isn't moving.. or breathing. It's a stuffed kitten. Somebody, had somehow gotten their hands on a dead kitten, and had stuffed it, then put it on the dead Centre of your room

"Tick tock" somebody says behind you

You turn around quickly, its a woman with long black hair, a black leather jacket, black jeans and black boots on, she's slim but fit, and has an oval shaped face, and she has blue eyes, and pale skin.

You scream, as she attacks you, right after you scream, you hear the front door get busted open, and she whips her head around while pinning you down, and growls "bloody fucking hunters.."

She looks back at you while you're struggling, and then she gets up quickly and as she's about to leave, two big burly men run in, and within seconds she's pinned to the wall with a machete on her neck.

"WHERE'S THE REST OF THE PACK!?" One man yells

The taller man runs over to you and helps you up

"Are you okay? Did she hurt you? Or bite you?" He says, panicked

"N-no why the hell would some stranger bite me?" You ask

"Nevermind that, we have to get you out of here quickly.

He rushes you out to their car and puts a blanket around you.

"My brother is going to deal with her, for now you need to tell me everything that happened." The tall man says

You don't know what it is about him, but you trust him. Maybe it's because he just saved your life.

You're about to tell him all of what happened when suddenly you're interrupted

You look over to your front door, and see a way too familiar face in your now broken doorway

"Dean?"

[leagoldsbrough8-blog]

free porn cam sites - Four Lies Allie Haze Jeanss Tell

My girlfriend and I have been dating for around 4 years now, starting when we in our senior years of high school. Now that we are seniors in college, things have changed a lot in our relationship. When we were 18, I could barely deal with the fact that she had fucked a few other guys before because I was so jealous, and she was incredibly jealous as well (although I was a virgin when we started dating). As the title might imply, this story may not appeal to everybody, but it was a hot time that stuck out in my mind. Over the course of our relationship and late night drunken talks, we explored our mutual interest in bringing outside partners in to the bedroom. It started with talking about celebrities we would fuck, and gradually turned to more realistic scenarios like camming on Chaturbate and talking with others on Craigslist. At this point we were just beginning our interest in extracurricular activities. Although we have yet to actually physically bring others in to our bedroom, it is easily my favorite kink and something that always gets me off. A bit of background to begin: We are both 23, and my gf is 58 140lbs with an athletic body and 34d tits. This particular event took place about a year ago, but I still remember it quite vividly. Enough of the background though. An important fact of this story that made this night so much hotter is the fact that my girlfriend is usually very submissive sexually and not really as outward about her sexuality as youd expect from someone in to a kinkier thing than most people. I jokingly mentioned it to my gf later, and to my surprise she was immediately enthusiastic about both of us downloading the app and flirting with people on there. So anyhow, we both used the app a little the week we were away from school for Thanksgiving, and it was pretty fun – she obviously had a lot of guys trying to fuck her, and although I have gleaned from most of my girl friends in real life that none of them use Tinder seriously whatsoever, it was still flattering to be openly hit on. I am 510 165lbs bit of a fitness freak haha. My gf had matched with a guy that she clearly favored over the hundreds of matches she already had – I think that may have been due to the fact that he was a little older and already had a professional job (The one time my gf will ATTACK me is when I am wearing a suit, so not very surprising). Anyway, my gf was clearly really enjoying sexting with him, and all of it had me hard as a rock. The guy also shared a lot of the same kinks that I had, interestingly enough. Now that I think about it, he was a redditor as well and frequented some of the porn subs that I like as well, so I wouldnt be too surprised if he sees this haha. Although we have always had a great relationship and are now very secure with each other, it didnt hurt that after 4 years of being with each other there were hundreds of strangers that found both of us attractive. The next week when we were back at school and staying at the same place again, we could actually share what we had going on. Since neither of us had anything to do the next morning, I suggested we walk to the convenience store and get one more bottle. It was right before holiday break, so nothing really left to do but a few finals, which meant excessive partying. I was home from college for Thanksgiving when a friend mentioned this new app everybody was talking about at his college – Tinder. She turned around to playfully hit me for doing it, and I joked that she should send it to Tinder guy. It was cold as fuck out, so she put on yoga pants and boots (who doesnt love that combo) so me being the perv I am took a picture of her ass as I walked. When we got back we quickly drank the wine playing a Tinder drinking game, and the wine and the flirting had both of us in the mood. One night after walking home from the bars, her and I were sharing a bottle of wine at home. If so, feel free to PM. I know that it is blasphemous for most to check phones, but since it was obviously getting both of us off, I nodded my approval at her. Just like when I had first suggested Tinder, she surprised me by being all for it. I instantly stuck two fingers in her sopping wet pussy and whispered that instead she would do exactly as he asked. Right as things were starting to get hot and heavy, her phone buzzed. She moaned softly and writhed on my fingers as I told her to strip and get down on all fours so he could get a better view of her ass. If you have any queries regarding in which and how to use misty stone Masterbating, you can make contact with us at our web site. I started sucking on her neck, and she quickly rubbed my cock over my pants. Immediately, she began fumbling with my belt and had my cock out and deep down her throat. Now on to the night in question. I had never heard her moan quite like she was right then, and she was taking my 8 all the way down her throat like never before. She stripped down to thong and boots and stuck her ass up on the floor in front of me while I took a few pictures and sent them off to him. It was so fucking hot to see somebody that was normally so submissive attacking my cock while simultaneously flirting with a stranger. She paused for a moment to hand me the phone and it said something along the lines of spread your legs more. As we kept in rhythm, her phone lit up again, and she kept bobbing up and down enthusiastically on me as she grabbed her phone to read the text. She looked at me and said Ill text him back later, but I had other plans. I slowly began to fuck her face in rhythm as she slipped a hand inside see live porn of her thong to touch herself. This time, she confidently went straight down on all fours and laid spread eagle while I snapped a few more and sent them off. She told me that he had instructed her to send another picture. She ran to go grab her Magic Wand and immediately started bucking her hips as I whispered dirty talk in her ear about how bad she wanted to fuck the guy from Tinder. I got a little wordy with it, but it was a very fun night. They continued to talk on there a little bit, and he tried to get her to hang out a month or so later, although it wasnt really something I was comfortable with yet. I pulled out right as I started cumming and coated her face in the largest load I have ever blown, hands down. For a lot of people this probably sounds ridiculous, but for me, fetishizing my previous jealousy has allowed me to take control of it, and in turn be more satisfied with my sex life. (to this day I feel like he must have known what was going on as these obviously were not selfies) She turned around and started to stand up, but instead I pulled her on her knees over to me. This sent her over the edge immediately and she came just as hard as I did. I have plenty more stories along these lines if you guys like it. She pulled my ear down to her mouth and whispered how hot it was that this turned me on before she went back to swallowing me like a porn star, until the whole situation sent me over the edge. We are more interested in having a MFM or FFM where we are both present at least as a starting point, but that was still easily one of the hottest experiences of my life. I dont think they talk much any more as he was entering a relationship.