#one of the worst things about a breakup is that it damages you for any potential future relationships | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

synthetickitsune · 2 years ago

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svt + helping you through a break up // gn!reader

S.Coups ❧ Find him right after it happens. Your feet will carry you to his apartment without you thinking about it. You're both surprised when he opens the door. His first Instinct is to protect. What happened? Who hurt you? He’s ready to run out and fight. Nobody makes his people sad, angry, comfortable - whatever you’re feeling - without consequence. Then again, as much as he would like to solve the situation and make it better, he can’t. So he stays with you. He brings you water and something to eat. He instructs you to breathe, teaching you the breathing exercise he often does. He offers you his hoodie that smells like him - in case you want to steal it. Again. He hopes you will, it always made you so smug and happy. He’s in full damage control mode. He only gets out the most basic information out of you - did they at least treat you decently? Did you fight? There’s so many variables that he settles for matching your energy in the end. He makes you stay at his. He doesn’t want you to be alone. Through the day he lists all the reasons why he likes you, why his members like you. He won't allow someone stupid enough not to appreciate you to bring you down. Even if the breakup was a peaceful one, he wants to make sure you know to take your time. Get used to it and don’t rush, feelings are fickle things and it may just hit you hard later. He watches over you, asks his friends what to do when he’s lost. It’s a pretty big change, but Cheol helps you navigate through the worst of it.

Jeonghan ❧ Find him when it happens before it actually happens. When the bad days start to outnumber the good ones, when you start to have doubts and your heart aches. Jeonghan respects you. He knows this is a sensitive issue and that you need his support so he makes sure you don't see when he clenches his jaw and grits his teeth. Sometimes because your partner is an asshole, sometimes because you're so stupid it's driving him crazy, and sometimes because he knows. He has a knack for being right and being able to look at the bigger picture. He realizes where things are headed before you do but he doesn't mention anything, lets you figure it out on your own. He’d love to be wrong, but he seldom is. Who's feelings changed first? You don't know. When you realize things can’t be fixed, he rubs your back as you cry it out. He squeezes your shoulder and gives you a tight smile whenever you come over, sigh and tell him the latest updates. He doesn’t suggest for you to just do it already, knows you must be already feeling stretched too thin and exhausted. Though he provides his opinion when you ask for it. There’s a gentleness in his voice that doesn’t set off an outburst. He reminds you your feelings are valid when you realize you’re over it before it’s even official. He reminds you not to feel guilty. When the breakup happens, he waits for you with open arms. It’s been over for a long time for you. Even if you feel a sense of freedom, there are some nasty feelings plaquing your mind. He helps to chase them away.

Joshua ❧ Find him when you don’t know what to do. Change is hard and confusing. More so when something that felt so fundamental, something so intimate, is the subject of it. Joshua knows what happened when you show up, shoulders drooped and hands flailing as you try to explain without breaking down. He invites you in with a sympathetic smile. He sits you down on his couch and asks whether you feel tired. He brings you a blanket and lets you sleep because sometimes that’s the only thing that helps take the edge off. He’ll guide you so even if you let go for a bit, bouncing back will be easier. He makes you a cup of tea and forces the cup into your hands once it's not too hot. He sits close to you but doesn't initiate any physical contact without your request or permission. He listens intently if you want to talk, asking questions at the right time so that he understands better, and to be honest - it helps you put things into perspective as well. If you don't want to talk, he puts on your comfort show and reminds you where to find the shower, where you can find some clothes to borrow, and informs you that you will be staying the night - unless you want to be alone. And even then only if you promise to always answer his texts and calls. He takes control. He monitors you and reacts to your changing mood with endless patience. He keeps his voice calm and not too loud. He reassures you he’s right here if you need anything. It's easy to trust him if he never broke his promise.

Jun ❧ Find him when you need to be distracted. He won’t treat you any different. It's unsettling at first but most wonderful after getting used to it. Your life’s still there; it's not like everything changed. Call Jun and ask him if he's free, and find yourself at an arcade, a mall, a coffee shop... He jokes around you like he's always done. He doesn’t once ask or mention your ex like the relationship never happened. He pays attention, he always does, but it's different now. He doesn't comment on it if you suddenly space out. He hands you a tissue when you break down unexpectedly and shields you with his body so the passersby can’t see you. He doesn't comment on it once you calm down, he only asks ready? like you were just tying your shoe. It’s reassuring in its own way and after being grilled by your friends, your family, and living and dealing with the aftermath of the breakup, it feels great to just be yourself. He makes you the center of his attention and it's so obvious he doesn't care about anything but you when you speak. He's not holding back on the bickering and teasing. When you're playing games he pokes your side to make you jump and lose focus - and lose. It's the best day you’ve had in a while and you’re smiling. He hugs you and coos at you as you smile through tears when he walks you home. He offers to stay over, tells you to imagine you’re just kids again having a sleepover with your best friend. You eat too many snacks and stay up ridiculously late but you finally feel like yourself for a while.

Hoshi ❧ Find him when you need cheering up. He wants to cry with you - he does - but you’re sad and neither of you wants that. That person isn't worth it. So he dries your tears and he makes it his mission to make you happy again. He knows his sparkling eyes, his tiger claws so gingerly bent into a horanghae, nor his cute act will be enough but he won’t give up. Not on you, never. He knows there's security in familiarity so he takes you to your spots. The one cafe where he once spilled both your drinks on you. He takes a photo of you right there; dry and holding the same drinks. You complain about the weird looks the barista kept throwing your way. He's ready to fight them if they ruined your day, he'll have you know. It won't be necessary, though, because you say so and you smile. He gets nostalgic, reminiscing about the good ol’ times you’ve had and sharing episodes about the members. It's impossible not to smile. He gives you space to talk but he understands you might not want to - and it's fine! He can talk enough for both of you. He links your arms together on the street. He just wants to show support, doesn't want to lose you when the streets get crowded. But it works. He drags you with him and he sees you smile back every time he turns to you. How could you not? He takes pictures of you two together to replace certain other pictures - the only reference to your ex that he sheepishly makes. He’s glad to see the progress. He tears up when in the last pic the smile reaches your eyes.

Wonwoo ❧ Find him when you can’t be alone. Curl in the corner of his sofa, he’ll throw a blanket over you, tuck you in and bring you tea. He’ll give you the tv remote and let you watch anything you want if that’s what you want to do, but he’s fine with you just scrolling on your phone or watching something on your own. He’ll read closeby, within arm’s reach. He’ll let you sit next to him and rest your head on his shoulder if that will make you feel safe. He’ll listen to you or he’ll try to fill the silence with his voice. He’s not that good at it but he’ll try. You trusted him enough to come to him, explained in a meek voice that you just can’t be alone and he was the first person to come to mind. He won’t let you down. Checking up on you from the corner of his eye once in a while, he hopes this is enough. That it’s enough for him to just exist in the same space, both of you doing your own thing. He’s happy like that. Comfortable. You always said you felt the same, is it still true? When you ask him if he wants to go for a walk, he agrees. He wonders whether the air of his home feels too suffocating for you. But as you walk, he sees you swing your arms, your shoulders relaxed. You seem so much better than when you came by, tense and anxious. You turn your head and thank him. He doesn’t feel like he did much, but to you he feels like a safe harbor.

Woozi ❧ Find him when you need someone to understand. He insists he's not good at these things. Feelings are hard, so when you come to him particularly vulnerable and emotional, he's out of his depth. He knows you need support, though, and you need it now. He does the only thing he can think of - the only thing he's somewhat confident might work: he takes you to his studio. Once there, he lets you sit in his chair because he knows that alone will make you crack a teasing remark and smile, if only for a second. He asks for your preference - are you angry? Sad? Numb? He's got playlists worthy stash of wips that he can show you. When instrumentals are not enough, he sings for you. You've never seen him more nervous. It’s endearing, and you appreciate that he makes himself as vulnerable as you feel. You wonder about the songs he’s made. He's got the feelings down close enough. Just a liiiittle bit more and it's gonna be perfect. You tell him and he jumps at a chance because you’re finally talking and he wants to help. You go over the lyrics and as you do, you get more in touch with yourself. You're not the most eloquent when it comes to expressing how you feel but Jihoon is naturally gifted in the area and he honed his skills to near perfection. With each line he creates based on your feelings, you cry because that’s it. He’s too awkward to do more than pat your back. You might still be a mess, but you feel comforted knowing someone gets it.

The8 ❧ Find him when you’re ready to process things. Nothing's ever easy and you're hurting. He hates it and as much as he's a good listener, he wants to help; to solve the problem and have you back. He gives you your favorite cup and brews tea to go with the heaviness of the situation. He has you meditate with him before you say a word and he needs it as much as you do. Because he's your friend. And friends sometimes need some tough love. The breakup left some things unresolved, things you keep thinking about that you can't imagine talking about with your ex so he tries to help. If something seems like your fault, though, he'll tell you. He feels bad about it, tries to be gentle. Being the one in the wrong hurts and it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth but you can take responsibility. He talks with you for hours, going through the pieces left behind that linger in your mind. He keeps moving closer as the hour gets late and your speech gets more fragmented and you need to take pauses. You need this but it brings back all the memories. He's not affectionate all that often but maybe that's why the hug he gives you feels so comforting. He lets you lean on him as you served the tea in your cup and tell him the things that really hurt or that just stick to you so you carry them around without having anywhere to put them down. He listens and shares his opinions without forcing them upon you like some of your other friends. When you wake up on his couch the next day, it feels like you really started a new chapter.

Mingyu ❧ Find him when you need a shoulder to cry on. He's heard the wobbliness of your voice, the unspoken announcement. He doesn't ask when you arrive at his place. He's got it all ready. Every pillow he owns is piled on his couch, he has blankets, fairylights. The table holds all kinds of drinks and snacks and he tells you where to find ice cream if you want to go the stereotypical route. His effort is enough to make you break down and he's almost carrying you to the couch, holding you and patting your hair. He's fighting tears himself because he can't stand seeing you in so much pain. He'll sit next to you and rub your back or he’ll lie down with you and hold you if you’d prefer. He lets you lead, lets you guide him through what's allowed and desired and what's not. He lets you do the talking, get it all out, cry until you have no tears left. He's got a dozen tissue boxes ready, and when you apologize for ruining his shirt, he grins. It's the shirt he usually wears while cooking. It's meant to get dirty - it doesn't matter if it's batter or snot. He feels proud when you smile. Once it's all out of your system, he takes his role as your emotional support even more seriously. You talk about whatever comes to mind and you're free to use him as a teddy bear if that's what you need. He puts on a romcom and you laugh at how stupid it is. You cry again when the leads get a happy ending but he's there to hold you and cry with you. Only so you don't feel ashamed afterwards, of course.

DK ❧ Find him when you need to forget. You beg him to help, to go out with you, but he won’t. He absolutely won’t because that’s not a good idea and it’s definitely not safe. And safe is what he needs you to be so instead he invites you over. It’s a hard sell but he succeeds eventually, if only because of your fondness for him. And he’s prepared. He has the karaoke ready. He has the worst movies known to mankind all set up so you can channel your emotions at something. He has drinks that only seem alcoholic but illusion is good enough. He won’t have you clouding your judgment and emotions more. It hurts enough to see you so lost and overwhelmed. And the illusion is enough. Seokmin will pretend to be drunk with you. He’ll scream his heart out singing with you, he’ll yell and throw popcorn at the screen at every stupid, nonsensical thing that happens. More than that though, he’ll challenge you to an infinite game of monopoly because it turns out that thing is impossible to finish when it’s just between the two of you but it’s fine because you’re so focused on beating his ass that it’s very obviously the only thing on your mind. And he’s glad. He gets too into it too and it’s chaos. A lovely chaos. You end up sleeping over and you’re sulking because you didn’t win. (Neither did he.) As you say your good nights, though, you hug him and hold him for a few seconds. It’s nice to feel normal again. It’s an illusion, like the drunken high, but it’s enough. This is what you want to get back. And you’ll fight for it like you fought in monopoly.

Seungkwan ❧ Find him when you need a safety net. He's there to catch you. You've seen each other at your best and at your worst. He'd never judge you but he'll also step in and be honest if he needs to. He's just there. The first few days after it happened he’s calling you if you don't answer his text within an hour. Tell him you just can't be alone and he'll be at your door with food and drinks and the latest gossip to take your mind off things. You'll let him in on the drama happening between your friends too. He tucks you in when you get tired. If there are unpleasant calls to be made, he offers to hold your hand through them. It seems childish but it works. You feel better with him by your side. At least someone seems to have your back. At the same time, don't try anything as stupid as calling your ex on his watch. It doesn't matter if you miss them and don't care about your pride or if you've agreed to stay friends and you just want to talk. He stresses the importance of taking your time to deal with it and letting things settle. You might fight because of it but you know he's right. He doesn't leave. He knows he's also a handful when emotions get the best of him. He knows the ups and downs. He laughs when you laugh and cries when you cry. You talk shit about your exes and swear and promise to never betray each other. It's a process, getting over it. It reminds you too much of actually moving. You pack and unpack things - and Seungkwan’s always there to help.

Vernon ❧ Find him when you’re angry. When anger burns inside your veins and threatens to burn you whole. Vernon doesn't quite know how to deal with it and he's awkward with feelings. He hates seeing you this out of control but if he knows one thing, it’s that feelings shouldn't be repressed. Especially not ones as destructive as anger. He won’t have anything happening to you. When it’s not enough to let you rant and pace around his apartment, he'll take you to one of those rage rooms. Maybe he’ll smash a thing or two but for the most part he'll hype you up. You're a raging wildfire and he's the gasoline. He’ll scream with you, he'll howl when you smash the already broken pieces into dust. He'll agree with your angry vents. He'll feed into your anger so you can get it all out and then some. Your body can only spend so much energy, though. When you can no longer swing the bat in your hands, you leave and he takes you straight for some food. Diets be damned - you're both getting exactly what you crave. He takes you home before your mood can do a nosedive straight into a bottomless pit of despair. He stays, awkwardly patting your back as you cry. That's life - you win some, you lose some, but you'll be happy again. He doesn't leave until he's sure you'll be okay, be it the same day or the next. It must’ve been exhausting but he waves you off when you try to apologize. That’s what friends are for - things are gonna be fine. You believe it when he’s the one saying it.

Dino ❧ Find him when you need an older brother. Chan is always there for you and the second you show up at his doorstep and your facade crumbless once the we broke up leaves your lips, he's pulling you into a tight hug and into his home. He doesn't pry unless you wanna share but he cracks jokes at your now-ex’s expense. He rants about the things he's never liked about them. He's ready to be fiercely protective should they appear and ask about you. He insists on it even if you tell him time and time again it's not that dramatic. It's cute, though, and some part of you appreciates it. The whole ordeal feels kind of uprooting so you’re grateful when he reminds you that his home is yours too. There's so many things to solve. It's scary. Chan is painfully aware of this and promises to help as much as he can. He can be there when it’s time to pick up things, even if the only thing he can do is to stay in the car as a support should anything happen. If you want, he’ll go through each of your concerns and listen to your worried ramblings before talking to you calmly, offering his perspective not clouded by emotions even if it's anything but. He’ll curse your ex with every second breath if humor’s what's gonna help, or he'll just silently keep his hand on your knee or an arm around your shoulders. His friends are yours, you can always be surrounded by people. You’re not alone. He’ll always be there for you. He loves you, and he protects the people he loves.

#seventeen scenarios #seventeen reactions #seventeen imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen angst #svt angst #svt reactions #svt scenarios #ot13 angst

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oshinohoshi · 5 months ago

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What do Ai's words in ch 154 say about her?

I thought I said all I wanted to say about the Hikaru/Ai breakup in this post but I want to comment on something major I glossed over: Ai bringing up Taiki, and therefore Hikaru's sexual assault, before she left.

I've had to mull it over because (without some of the context provided below) it's just so out of character. Ai started her breakup speech with "being with you forever is too much for me," followed that up by stating that Hikaru's child born from molestation was too tough, and ended with "I can't love you." Talk about psychological damage. If I was him, I'd be curled up on the floor sobbing. I'm sure he was.

Just look at the below panel. Fifteen years later, he framed Taiki's birth as something he did. That's devastating.

BUT I'm coming back to critically alter this post (sorry to anyone who liked/reblogged it already) because the lovely @aihoshiino provided some important context about Ai's words being vaguer and less harsh in Japanese. I have pasted this as bullet points at the end of this post and it's far more important than anything I have to say, so if you want to stop here and just read that, I highly encourage it.

To summarize: In English, it sounds more like Ai blamed Hikaru for Taiki, whereas in Japanese it's vaguer and not as cruel. Which isn't to say Ai did nothing wrong when she glibly walked away, but it's far more in line with her character.

But there's still the question of why say this at all. Didn't Ai realize that "I can't love you" was enough? Why bring up the worst thing that ever happened to him, the very thing that broke him so badly she felt he couldn't raise their kids?

She may have wanted him to hate her, thereby setting him free of the supposed burden of herself and her pregnancy. It was also a convenient lie. Unfortunately, it was one Hikaru easily swallowed because that was already how he felt about himself.

She said in the DVD that she thought he'd be OK once she was gone. I do wonder if she really thought that or just hoped so. After all, she later felt that a whopping 15 years later he might still be struggling. Either way, it worked to chase him away.

Did Ai blithely say something hurtful and uncalled for that caused lasting damage? Yes. Was she a teenager who couldn't communicate her emotions, ran away from conflict to protect herself, and had a traumatic childhood that influenced her developmentally? Also yes. Not to mention, she was dealing with an emotionally dependent boy and an unplanned pregnancy. It's not an excuse, but it's an explanation.

Even if we were to ignore the subtleties I mentioned and view this in the worst possible light, saying a horrible thing you don't mean doesn't make you a horrible person.

Hikaru gets Ai's characterization mostly right in the below panel but he's wrong if he thinks Ai's cruel words were an accurate representation of her.

Finally, I think getting hung up on what we, as people who don't have the lived experience of Ai, would do in her shoes is missing the point. The idea isn't to judge Ai as innocent or not innocent. Instead, we are invited to see that Ai was a loving person but she was also human and humans sometimes fuck up badly.

A good chunk of the manga focuses on the complex relationships between characters as well as their relationships with their inner selves. This chapter touches on both. Hikaru misunderstood Ai's intentions and Ai failed to understand her own feelings for him or what to do about it. The reader, meanwhile, if they were clinging to any misconceptions of Ai as some kind of saint, is forced to reconcile with who Ai really was.

The below is the context I mentioned from @aihoshiino. I'm just gonna paste this word for word from Claire:

Ai's words aren't quite as pointedly cruel in Japanese. Her line in Japanese that mangaplus translates as "I can't even, that's too tough, I can't bear it" is '無理無理、流石にそれはキツいって、背負えないよ!` Which is more like, "No way, no way, that's too hard, it's too much to carry"

Importantly, she does not specify who cannot carry this weight

The only time she specifically talks about herself is when she says `子供も･･･うーん私じゃ難しいかな` which mangaplus tled as "about the baby, it's difficult for me too" and ig that's not WRONG but the tone is kind of off. In Japanese there's more of the sense that she's saying that she, herself, is not up to the task, that she's lacking, she wouldn't be able to do it VS the situation (and Kamiki with it) being in of itself the problem

Basically mangaplus's TL is not incorrect in strict text but does kind of mistranslate the spirit of the exchange imo

It makes Ai more pointedly cruel and self-centred whereas the Japanese text imo is more in line with the thoughtless, innocent cruelty she hurt Nino with

The wording of the Japanese text makes it clear that this was a misunderstanding and Kamiki took the worst possible interpretation of it because he hates himself

That's why Aqua frames Kamiki as being punished for "not understanding her"

Because if he really, truly understood Ai like he said, why would he be so comfortable assuming for nearly 20 years that she would have meant something that cruel?

Thanks Claire!! Saving the fandom one translation at a time.

#oshi no ko #ai hoshino #oshi no ko spoilers

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ynsvnte · 1 year ago

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Gilded Lily — Park Jongseong

— pairing: ex!Jay x gn!reader (ft. Heeseung)

— Genre: angst, post-breakup, moving on, oneshot?

— warnings: crying, mentions of getting old, bad health but it’s not describe

— wc: 1.5k (1565)

— Synopsis: moving on from your ex wasn’t easy. But you knew you had to make to the end. And after all those years of radio silence of not hearing a word from him. He came along one day..and oh boy was it different..

Part one , Masterlist

Now it's been long enough to talk about it

Years have passed by now. And at least to say you haven’t seen Jay. Not once. You still from time to time get the bittersweet feeling. Moving on from him was easier said than done. There was still a tiny piece in your heart. Shouting and wanting his love back. But you knew, knew right in your head that would be a bad idea, and you definitely don’t want to experience the same thing again. The time moving on from him was difficult..is one way to describe it. It wasn’t so easy. Him being your first love, and just breaking you, was very heart wrenching to say the least. It made you realize how fragile you were as porcelain. Just like how porcelain can chipt. Doing damage. It wouldn’t break you instantly but rather slowly. The stages of moving had three as you sorted them out number one being. The beginning, of course. Second is realization, third is the end. You’ve reached the end. Or maybe not…

But with my double vision, how was I supposed to see the way?

The beginning includes lots of crying, lots and lots of crying. It was your first ever breakup, you didn’t expect him to do something like this. He seemed so caring towards everyone. He wouldn’t dare to hurt anyone’s feelings. So why did he hurt yours? That’s a question you would ask yourself. It was hard. The cycle went on for months and months. Maybe 6 months.. crying about a man that didn’t deserve you. Said your best friend. Your best friend supported you all the way from the beginning to the end, and you appreciate it so much. You wanted him back. Still deeply in love with him. You would go through your old photos with him, messages. Memories would flood your mind. Which wasn’t helpful in any way. Your overall health got affected. Mentally, emotionally, physically. Mentally you felt so broken, drained, depressed. You weren’t your usual self. Emotionally crying. Crying. And more crying. He was the perfect man in your eyes. Everything was going perfect, you’ve never doubted him before. But that night you wish you never saw what you saw. She wasn’t just a friend like he used to claim. Sure you let him have girl friends. You never had a problem before. But oh boy were you wrong. It’s stupid to think that you didn’t notice it before. Physically. You wouldn’t even try to get out of bed. Always being drained of energy because of all of that crying. Only getting up to use the bathroom and eating. Yes physically wasn’t the worst but you weren’t in your best state . The break up took a toll on your part. You didn’t know about Jay either. Maybe he was happy with his new lover. Living his best life while you are over here suffering.

Always the fool with the slowest heart

Realization, Luckily having major support from friends and family. They helped you each step. Your best friend helped the most. Always trying to make time for you. Even when she was the busiest person. It made you realize your worth, and how you should move on. That this time you were facing your old problems. You took it slowly not wanting to rush. You started to take care of your health. Deleting any photos of you and him together. And getting rid of old things that made you think of him. You wanted to be a better version of yourself. One that he never should ever destroy and own. You got better day by day. Your smile returned to your face. Everything was going back to how they used to be, when you weren’t broken-hearted. Your thoughts were now very different, having a positive outlook. You now smiled and it wasn’t for him.

Turn off all alarms and lie to me

The end. It’s completely not over. Yet some might assume it is. It’s not for you. You can still feel some part of him in you. You thought you were never going to see him again. You sometimes think back to that day. The day he lost you. You also thought if he ever tried finding you. Which you didn’t think so because he was someone else. It does hurt at times to realize he wasn’t the one for you. And how you were never going to grow old with him, get married. A because of his mistake. You’re very proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. In this situation. You’ve found someone new. And already being engaged to him.

Your first encounter with Jay after years was when you were by yourself shopping for your new home that you recently bought. Jay stood there recognizing the woman, whom he deemed to love the most. In flesh.

“Yn..” a voice speaks out. You look around and meet a pair of eyes staring right at you..

“Jay..??” You say confused. You never thought you would see him again. “Hey..how’s it going…” Jay said softly, happy to see you. “Good, and you..?” You asked. “Wish I could say the same..” he stated making you confused.. “What..? What about your girlfriend..?” You mentioned the woman he cheated on you with. Lord..the memories.. “We, we’ve been alright..just kind of in a rocky situation right now..we just broke up..soo” he says. You nodded your head..

“Yn..I know I was wrong for what I did..but please take me the back..” as soon as he said those words. You were pissed. Who does he think you’ll forgive him easily.

“No, I’ll never. Jay you don't know the damage you did to me. I actually thought I was having nightmares. I thought you would come back and tell me it’s all not real. I waited. I waited for you to tell me it was all a lie and it wasn’t really, but no. I was crying, crying everyday about someone who I thought was my forever. My forever who broke my heart. My forever who was also my first love. I was so foolish to think you would come back. And thought that for 6 months. 6 months, hoping you would come back, comfort me, tell me there isn’t another girl. Nobody knew how much I loved you, even you…eventually I gave up. I moved on Jay..there’s no..no chance..” you ranted out, crying..oh you wished you didn’t cry. Now Jay was looking at you in shock.. he knew you loved a lot but not this much..

“I’m sorry..that’s how it ended..I never meant it..” Jay wanted to hug you, hold you in his arms like the old days. “If you never meant it, why did you cheat then? Sorry isn’t going to cut it..” you said before leaving him standing there..not giving him time to reply..

Your next encounter was 2 years later when you and your fiancé, Heeseung, were out on a date, spending quality time together. You were busy holding hands and faced him, you didn’t notice someone was there. Making you bump into them.

“Babe! Watch out..” heeseung warned you.

“Huh what do you mea-“ before you could finish, you crashed into someone causing them to let out a grunt. “Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” You tried apologizing. You quickly look up and realize who the person was…

“J-Jay…” you say shocked. Jay also realized it’s you. You.

“Yn..is that really you??..” Jay said before pulling you into a hug. You awkwardly hug him back and pull away from the hug.. “it’s been years…” you said. The air was uncomfortable as you faced your ex-lover. “Yeah..it has..and who is this…” Jay referred to the unknown man standing next you staring at you and Jay.

“Oh this is my fiancé, Heeseung. Babe, this is my old friend, Jay” you said introducing them to each other. Fiancé..how?? Jay never thought you would move on from him..well it has been approximately 6 years since you had any sort of contact with him. How small is the world huh..?

“Did you say..f-fiancé..?” Jay managed to say. Still surprised. “Yes..fiancé..” you said nodding your head..

“Well nice to meet you, Jay, but me and Yn have to get going..” heeseung said while looking at Jay with stern eyes. Jay noticed his stare and awkwardly nodded. Heeseung knew who he was, and what he did to you. He hated and still hates him..because why would someone hurt someone so precious. “Right..” Jay responded. Heeseung starts walking away and you follow after, suddenly you stop. You turned around..

“Jay, I’m sorry…but this is how it ends..I wish you well…” you say running to catch up to heeseung. Jay watches you walk away. With the man who he thought was supposed to be him but will never be. He hopes you will be happy. It will make you happy. Tears now flow down his face..and a sad smile appears on his face.

“Thank you, thank you..for being my love..” he says softly and turns around walking alone in regret..for giving you 6 years of hell..

We’ll live in spaces between walls

.・✫・゜・。. .・✫・゜・。. .・✫・゜・。.・✫・゜

"Maybe in another world, you would have chosen me."

- K.L, Midnight thoughts #3 (via vodkapoetry)

Author’s note: thank you to this anon for the idea. And I didn’t think some will like it bc no lie I hated it. Like my writing isn’t the best but Ty!! I also did want to use this song for a fic and I took my opportunity!! And did bad with Sunghoon back in October soo.. also happy new year everyone let’s hope 2024 is a good year!!

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dewitty1 · 1 year ago

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Fic Recs Wrap Up - September 2023 (ノﾟ∀ﾟ)ノ⌒･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*☆

Salt on the Western Wind by Saras_Girl

When the war isn’t quite as over as it first appears, a guilt-ridden Harry is sent to a mysterious safe-house. Among sandwiches, insomnia, and Mills & Boon, he discovers something quite unexpected. Rec Post

Transfigurations by Resonant

Five years after Voldemort’s defeat, Harry returns to England to help re-open Hogwarts. Rec Post

The Arc of the Pendulum by brummell (actualite)

After his father casts a mysterious curse on Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy is forced to try to make things right. Rec Post

The Lily Spell by pickledghost

Harry Potter is one of the most handsome and sought after alphas on the Hogwarts Higher Education Programme. Draco Malfoy on the other hand, is the Seventh Year omega son of deceased Death Eaters and is widely ignored and shunned by his peers. Harry doesn’t even know Draco exists until he discovers that the younger boy is pregnant with his baby thanks to a spell gone wrong. Rec Post

Kiss the Joy (Until the Sun Rise) by ICMezzo @icmezzo

The Room of Requirement was severely damaged in the war, but not so much that it could not provide for one lost student and another young hero—especially when they needed each other most of all. Rec Post

Night Magic by Kbrick @kbrick

Eighth Year isn’t what Draco or Harry expected. Harry’s horribly lonely in the aftermath of his breakup with Ginny, Draco’s stuck in a clandestine friends-with-benefits situation with a closeted Blaise, and neither one of them can ever get any bloody sleep. But when our favorite boys bond over their insomnia-related woes, things start looking up. Rec Post

The Sun in Summer (Presto Pizzicato) by Cannibalschism @cannibalschism

Harry Potter is an orphan. Everyone knows this, him most of all. Taken in by the agoraphobic and ancient Dowager Viscountess Cassiopeia Black, Harry’s musical aptitude was evident even from a young age. He has trained all his life to perform in front of a noble audience and step upon the shoulders of giants. To be known for his accomplishment and skill. To be great. And he will do anything to achieve that goal. Draco Malfoy is an orphan. He hasn’t been as such for very long, however. Known as the Instrumenteur, Draco runs a modest shoppe in lower Diagon Alley where he creates and repairs musical instruments. The Viscountess Cassiopeia Black stole everything from him the night of his parents’ fatal accident. When Harry Potter, the orphan that wretched woman took in even as she cast out her own blood, proposes the most ludicrous of schemes that might just get Draco his stolen title and life back, who is he to decline? In a time of galas, secrets, corsets, and symphonies, can love prevail over all else? Rec Post

WHISKY-TANGO-FOXTROT by Vukovich @vukovich

“Potter,” Malfoy said with a slow smile. “You’re a trashy, new money slut.” “Yeah? Maybe you like it.” – The worst thing about being the Golden Boy is the freebies. Free drinks. Easy sex. It’s all too easy. The worst thing about being a Malfoy is the expectations. Marriage. Kids. It’s all so scripted. Harry wants his arse kicked. Draco decides to grab life by the balls. Rec Post

Here are a few more fics I've read recently that y'all might like to check out as well! (ﾉ^ヮ^)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

A True Entanglement by Booktopus @thebooktopus

One moment, Harry was minding his own business, going about his workday, and the next, he found himself being dragged across the Ministry by a red string that had somehow curled up in a pretty little bow around his wrist. A story of fate, smut, falling in love, and a string named Harold.

Fire Meet Gasoline by lettersbyelise @lettersbyelise

When Draco’s anger management issues land him in St Mungo’s, he thinks his Quidditch career is over. But Harry, A&E Healer and notorious workaholic, is faced with a similar predicament. To save their jobs, the two of them decide to fake a relationship. All they have to do is convince their friends and employers… and not fall in love in the process. Simple, right?

Everything is Relative to You by honeybeet @thehoneybeet

Potter was supposed to have lived. Draco is certain of this. That Potter would no longer walk the earth was tantamount to the sun moving west to east across the sky. If only he could have stopped this from happening, if he’d have known… It comes to him as ideas often did: too late. Or, Harry dreams of his past lives, and Draco is in every one.

we'll keep the king by BlueSundayCake @bluesundaycake

On a cold December morning, Remus Lupin shows up on Severus Snape's doorstep with a child with very familiar eyes.

Evitative by Vichan

In the summer before his fifth year at Hogwarts, Harry is drawn to a room in Grimmauld Place. Like the Gryffindor he is, he enters the room without fear. The room is a library, and Harry is surprised to find that he’s eager to learn. Then he gets the bad news: he’s been accidentally expelled from Hogwarts, and he needs to be sorted again. Everyone is confident that he’ll go straight back to Gryffindor, but with what he's been learning, Harry’s not so sure.

The White Pawn by Soupy_George

When eighteen-year-old Draco Malfoy finds himself back at Hogwarts on the eve of Voldemort's infamous return, he is confronted with the most difficult decision he's ever had to make: Relive the 6th year at school he's tried so hard to forget, or do the unthinkable and ally himself with Potter's lot...

( •ॢ◡-ॢ)-♡ I hope you enjoy these fics as much as I have! Happy reading, y’all! xoxo, Carey (◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*💜💙💚💛❤💗💕💖

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limerenceheart · 1 year ago

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Do you have any thoughts on self aware yandere Dan Heng? Also I really enjoyed your other works so far!

hello! thank you for being my first Dan Heng and for your support! <3 i try to write my works based on the character personality rather than using dark themes to create shock value, so hearing this make me super happy.

i personally think his reaction would be defined by the user's personality whether she remind me of March 7th or MC since they are the girls that he spend the most time with.

trigger warnings - cheating and slut shaming.

accepting requests!

Dan Heng would be slightly shock till he realised that he have bigger problems of being seen as a villain from his previous reincarnation.

At least, she couldn't do anything to him behind a screen, surely he could not be that unlucky.

There was one aspect though that irks him because the user reminded him so much of March 7th when she would do live stream with her friends.

The resemblance was uncanny that Dan Heng would need to hide from March 7th to get his thoughts together before he would reveal the truth to her.

The past already haunted the girl where he was sure finding out about this would cause her to have a meltdown.

Dan Heng doubted that March 7th could keep this a secret and if the crew finds out, chaos will spread like wildfire.

Some things are better left unsaid where he planned to take this secret to his grave.

So Dan Heng decided to be nonchalant about the whole thing and resumed his daily life till one day that the user logged in and seem to be extremely upset since her eyes were puffy.

The young man was uncomfortable when she automatically clicked on his profile and played his voice lines.

To make matters worst, the user proceeded to break down and rambles about an intense breakup.

"Dang Heng, he cheated on me," and Dang Heng was sure that if he have romantic lines, she would pressing the play button non stop.

The urge to run away heightened to a whole other level but seeing the tears streaked down her cheek unlocked a tightening feeling in his chide.

Sympathy ? Jealously? Dan Heng did not know but the sight startled him a lot that he wanted to break the act and speak to her.

The user may have her flaws but she distracted him a lot from his intense thoughts about Dan Feng and she always did clean up the monsters from the streets.

After that, the user started using him as her personal diary by clicking on his profile everyday to tell him about everything.

It was annoying at first but he got used to it and Dan Heng soon developed a curiosity about the outside world.

It's a shame that he could never ask her questions about it.

One day, the user started switching to other characters and her new favourite became Blade.

The worst man to ever exists and his friend decided to latch onto him like glue and Dan Heng couldn't help but feel betrayed at her actions.

It felt like the user just grew bored of him and the realisation made him want to go beat the shit out of Blade.

It wasn't a very sensible idea but the user must be special to him considering he have blew a fuse at the whole predicament.

Dan Heng made the app crashed though by using his spear when he thought that she was going to declare to Blade that he was the best.

The user didn't stay loyal to Blade for long and Dan Heng found his way to appearing back on her screen again.

The damage was done though so when the user played his thoughts about Blade, he snapped.

"Fuck off, you just used me, goes back to Blade slut."

It was worth it when seeing her hurt expression before her eyes widened in confusion, hoping she just misheard him.

#dan heng #yandere dan heng #dan heng x reader #yandere dan heng x reader #honkai star rail #blade #hsr blade #hsr #march 7th

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twig-tea · 1 year ago

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Love Senior: Final Thoughts

I've been putting off making a post about this because I don't like trashing things that are small efforts and especially not GL because we don't get enough of it to begin with. But I was enjoying Love Senior through episode 7. The leads were lovely, they had chemistry, their characters were both interesting, and one of them had casual sex with someone else before they got together and it was fine! They even talked about it! And they were thirsty! I love it when women get to have sexual desire in shows.

After episodes 8-9, the narrative took a serious turn and I broke and wrote a content warning post because of how gross the turn in the plot was. With one episode left, I watched to see whether it would undo any of the damage it had done, but instead it doubled down on awfulness.

The last episode is truly a smorgasbord of some of my least favourite tropes all rolled up into one miserable finale, and makes the show truly unwatchable even though it delivers a "happy ending". It didn't make sense, it wasn't good characterization, it served nothing but unnecessary angst, and it meant we didn't even get satisfying reconciliation or dealing with the issues laid out in 8-9. After this ending, I was extremely unconvinced these two would last, or that they should.

I know this isn't the worst there is in the world of QL. I've watched a lot of stuff. I used to just stay quiet if I didn't like something, but honestly, I want folks looking for info about this show to know what to expect, and I also want folks creating content to know that audiences expect better these days. I don't want people to think GL flops because nobody wants to watch it. We're so desperate for good, or even half-decent content (the viewing numbers for GAP should have made that obvious)! But things need to hold together at least somewhat, and this very much did not.

Most of the cast in this show is in a girl group together, so you can support them, continue past the cut if you want details on what makes this finale suck (I've kept it vague but obviously there will be spoilers), and I hope this is taken as it's intended--to help inform the watching decisions of us who love GL and want more of it, and to give information to those making it.

[I'm just going to note also that this show was by StarHunter Entertainment which is not known for its queer rep or good treatment of its people, so I don't feel like I owe this production company any loyalty].

Details about the last episode under the cut.

In episode 10, the following happens:

we get told the SA that I warned about in my 8-9 post was just staged for the purposes of blackmail/breaking up the leads

[the show doesn't acknowledge that the characters were still left in a position that they could have still been sexually assaulted, and that they were put in that position by someone they trusted]

Someone gets hit by a car

One of the leads falls into a coma, and on waking, gets amnesia

Her friends and family conspire to lie to her, not just erasing her girlfriend from their picture of her life, but saying that one of her other friends who has a crush on her is her boyfriend. They all go along with this lie for months

On finding out that her girlfriend had been told that she's actually dating some other guy, her girlfriend decides to noble idiocy and disappear from her life

More time passes, and they see one another at the amnesia girl's graduation, and hug for a happy ending.

THE END.

No conversation. No reconciliation beyond acknowledgment that they still have feelings. No mention of their breakup before the coma. Nothing that convinces me this couple will actually last at all, or reason (in the form of character growth, or narrative purpose) for why they've gone through this. Nothing about the main character being lied to by all of her friends and family for months. This ending says 'everything is fine as long as the two people you want to be in a relationship are in a relationship at the end of the story', and that doesn't fly with me.

#love senior #love senior the series #thai gl #sapphic media #typed so that i can stop thinking it

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spiderboykingoftheives · 1 year ago

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“Risk”

Summary: Peter broke up with you to keep you safe from his life as Spiderman but misses you.

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: none

He missed you more then anything. And even though he broke up with you and knew he shouldn’t be mad at the new man you dated, he still was. But the worst part of it all is that it wasn’t just some guy. You were now dating Flash Thomson of all people. Made every bone in his body sick with disgust at him. Not that he had any right to be.

He didn’t want to break up with you. You were perfect and he loved you more then anyone else; but that was exactly the issue. Anyone who figured out his identity would immediately come for you. He couldn’t let you get hurt because of him. So after a long failed fight with Kingpin he didn’t want to risk your life. On that low he left you a voicemail saying something stupid like he never loved you and to never speak to him again. He never felt worse about anything in his life. If he told you that he was actually breaking up with you because he was scared for your life, you would tell him you didn’t care about the risks. But he did and wasn't going to let that happen.

He blocked you on everything after that to make sure you couldn’t contact him. He hoped that you would hate him for it but also felt sick thinking about that.

This is the only way. He tell himself over and over until he believed it.

Of course you were stunned when you finally listened to his voicemail. Not believing it thinking it was some kind of prank. But when your number was blocked you realized what he said was true. Feeling so stupid for thinking he loved you cried for weeks. No one could pull you out of your bed or make you stop listening to breakup songs about getting dumped.

Then finally one day you did. You pulled yourself out of bed and dated the first guy you saw. Flash Thomson.

You now walked around MIT holding Flash’s hand instead of Peters. Sit with him and his friends during breaks. Laughed at his jokes. Do everything with Flash that you should be doing with him.

But Peter also swears that you don’t have that same sparkle in your eye when you look at Flash the way that you sparkles when you saw Peter. Even if it was all in Peters head, it was the only thing keeping him sane.

He never trusted Flash with you. For good reason. He believes that Flash likes the idea of you more then you. More like a trophy he can show off. He knows this because anytime they hang out Flash makes sure it’s in public and make sure to be in contact with you at all times.

Again, made him sick to his stomach. But you were safe. No super villian would go after you if you were Flash Thompson's girlfriend.

Walking down the campus hallways he always sees you. Sometimes he pretends not to notice. Other times he can’t pull his eyes away from you. You still mesmerize him, no matter how many times he tries to tell himself you don’t. Today was worse then usual. You were wearing his favorite skirt. The one you wore on your first date with him. Flashbacks took over his mind and he couldn’t stop himself. He needed to talk to you. Just be near you. Anything. Before he could register it he was standing in front of you.

“Hey,” he said before he got to scared and left. “You look pretty-”

“And you look like my ex boyfriend who told me that he never loved him and led me on for six months” she says shoving past him. Out of instinct Peter grabs her arm stopping her from leaving.

“I’m sorry about that really-“ he says trying to somehow fix the unrepairable damage he caused to you.

“I’m going out with Flash now so I’m going to need you to let go of me,” she says and pulls her arm out of Peter's grasp.

“Why him of all people?” Peter spits out before he can stop himself.

“Why not him? Why do you care, it’s not like you ever cared about me actually from what I recall from that 16 second voice message you left me months ago.” She says and Peter can hear the bitterness in her voice. His plan definitely worked but it’s horrible to see it for his own eyes.

“I care about you more then you can imagine” Peter says back suprisingly gentle compared to the venom she just spat at him.

“That’s not what you said in that voice message. You couldn’t even break up with me to my face like a real man. You’re sick in the head Parker.” she says more angry then ever.

Peter swore he would never tell you the real reason he broke up with you but now it just slipped out but he could catch his words. “I did it to protect you. I’ve always loved you. Everything I said when we dated was true.”

She stands there shocked at his words, take a few moments to register what he just said. “Parker are you lying to me cause I don’t know what I’m suppose to believe-“

“Listen to me now” Peter says not holding you’re hand and pleading “I’ve always loved you. I sent that voice message all those months ago cause I was scared that if we were dating someone bad would hurt you or… worse. After Uncle Ben I just can’t stand the thought of losing another person to my own mistake…”

“Why are you telling me this now?” She says trying to hold back tears from falling.

“Because I wanted you to hate me and never see me again. But seeing you with Flash Thomson is the worst thing I could ever imagine. I refuse to see you with a guy so horrible for another second. And the way you looked at me just now when I walked up to you, the hurt and anger. I never wanted to hurt you. I was so stupid to send that voice message.” Peter rambles on not stopping.

“Peter… I don’t know what to say. I understand your worry but I’d rather live a happy life at risk with you then a safe one without you.”

“I can’t let you get hurt. I can’t.” Peter says looking at you with pain in his eyes.

“The only thing that will ever truly hurt me is you choosing to not love me.” She says.

“I do love you”

“Then you would listen to what I said.” She says looking at him to see if he will change his mind.

But he stays silent. She knows Peter and how stubborn he is, if he refuses to be with her there was nothing she could do. She pulls away from him. “I have to go meet Flash,” she says as she turns around and leaves Peter standing there.

Walking to Flash’s car in the parking lot she greets him with a hug that makes Peter’s stomach twist in a knot.

“That went… so good” he said sarcastically and already kicking himself.

He didn’t mean to do this, but he did it a lot. When on patrols as spiderman he would end up watching you from a rooftop. Just making sure you were okay. Today you spent the whole day with Flash. That’s when he heard about the party Flash was throwing. Peter hated parties but he knew he needed to crash this one.

That night he wandered around until he “accidentally” came across the loud music and flashing lights coming from Flash’s home. When he walked in no one noticed him. Peter made sure to stay invisible and just check on you to make sure you were okay. Peter senses were almost immediately overloaded with the distaste of the party. He scanned the rooms while dodging drunk peoples jumping and crashing into each other until he saw you in the center of the living room. You had a drink in your hand and were dancing to the music without a care in the world. Peter was once again mesmerized by your beauty. He could have watched you like that all day until he heard Flash Thomson from the kitchen making drinks. He looked over to see Vodka and Powerade being poured into two solo cups.

Once again Peter felt sick at the thought of him serving you drinks and getting you drunk. He didn’t care if you were to drink, but him giving it to you was another story. Peter’s worrying thoughts immediately took over as he realized that she was a frat party where so many bad things happen. She was so trusting and always saw the best in people but this was not the place to believe someone cares about you. Peter was ready to step in and take you home somehow but Flash was already there serving her the drink. He watched as you drank it and continued to dance. Flash now joining you and making sure to be as close to you as humanly possible during it.

Peter feeling like he will throw up once again at the sight. The night continued and Peter stayed there despite being tired. He needed to make sure you were safe this entire party.

As people handed you more and more drinks Peter worries grew. He could tell you were a lightweight after the first drink and now you had about three more since then and they weren’t stopping. He sat there and wondered how he could possibly get you out of this situation.

His thoughts were empty, except for one. He went into the bathroom and called the cops. Classic snitch move. But he needed this party to end so that his girlfriend- ex-girlfriend, could be safe.

As soon as those sirens came into view everyone ran like a stampede. Peter watched and waited for her to get up and run with the rest of them but she was now passed out on the couch. Without a second thought he picked her up and swung her back home.

She seriously was tired cause she stayed asleep the whole way home somehow. Or didn’t care enough to open her eyes and say anything.

After that he left and went home. Sleeping finally knowing she would be passed out for the rest of the night.

He woke up the next day to her. “I know you took me home last night.” He didn’t know what to say to her. To that.

“Okay?” Is all he could come up with.

“Thank you for caring.” She says, and he knows she is talking about more than just taking her home.

“It’s my job” Peter replied back.

“As an Ex?” She says, hinting at wanting to hear more.

“As someone who loves you.” He replies again.

“Meet me at the courtyard in ten.” She texts. His heart is racing. He knows she just doesn’t want to have a conversation like this over the phone. He quickly threw on some clean clothes and my shoes before running out my door late, sprinting to the spot.

She is already waiting there and watching me as Peter run to her. She always was early. He was always late. It’s why they shouldn’t work but somehow when they were together, it all didn’t matter.

“What do you want?” She says looking him in the eyes with a serious look.

“I want you. I’ll only ever want you.” He answers truthfully. His heart is palpitating from looking at her.

“Are you still scared to date me?” She says and he can see the pain in her as she says it and it makes him sick.

“Honestly yes. I’m terrified of it. Of what could happen to you cause of it. But I know now that staying away from you completely is not what’s right for us. Whatever comes down our path we can face together.” Peter says, risking grabbing and holding her hand at the end. She flinches pulling it back at first but then relaxes and looks back at him.

“I cant handle anymore heartbreak from you Peter. I barely got through it the first time. I need to know you’re staying for good” she says and he can see tears forming in her eyes.

Peter stomach is in knots again thinking about the pain he caused her. Wanting to take it all away. Take back every mistake made. Every stupid decision he chose. Then he reached for her face and kissed her. His hands wrapped in her hair as he pulled her into him.

“I’ll never make the mistake of letting you go again. You’re always gonna be my one.” He says before kissing her again. When he pulls away and looks at her face to sees that usual sparkle in her eyes back.

“Good cause I still love you so much Parker,” she says before kissing him again.

#peter parker #spiderman #mcu #marvel #fanfic #peter parker x reader #spiderman x reader

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mikelogan · 8 months ago

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ttpd thoughts

for the record, i'm not trying to be like. purposely hateful or anything, i'm just so deeply disappointed with her. this last year has been a mess and she's repeatedly acted in ways that, at the very least, rub me in the wrong way and at their worst have disgusted me and made me lose so much respect for/faith in her. miss americana has become a piece of performance art rather than any sort of meaningful activism.

she made a very public display of dating/hooking up with a bigot and basically said "fuck you, i do what i want" in response to valid criticism and then tried to smooth it over by working with one of the women he'd called slurs. almost every time she spoke this year, whether in an interview or through tree, she reinforced my worry that she views herself as untouchable and that any sort of negativity or criticism directed toward her should be discounted because she's an "underdog" and a woman, despite the fact that there are very real issues with her words and actions. and don't get me started on everything with football guy and his trump-loving ass.

she is absolutely allowed to do, say, date, fuck, etc. anyone and anything she wants. she can write songs about all of it. she can do damage control and pr and control the narrative however she chooses. she can run smear campaigns and drag names through the mud while maintaining she's the perpetual victim when she's arguably the one with the most power in any given situation. i can appreciate that fame presents a set of challenges that i will never experience or fully comprehend.

but i'm also allowed to have my opinions on it, especially when so much of it is so heavily publicized. there is so much we will never know and there is also so much we do know that we never should have. pretty much since eras was announced, she's become so deeply oversaturated and it went from being cool to see so much hype and getting a new album and new re-recordings to feeling like everything is about money and breaking records. it's become a machine, a content factory, and so many decisions feel rushed, incomplete, and incongruent. it doesn't feel like there's been real thought about the material itself and instead it's become about aesthetics and sensationalism.

i think that's why i'm so frustrated right now and it's highly likely that these albums will grow on me or at least some of the songs. i've been listening to the 12 songs i liked on repeat since i finished my initial run through each album and i already like them even more. but i wish that it could truly just be about the music for me. that's what's always been most meaningful to me about taylor is her lyricism and the stories she tells through her songs. but knowing everything i know and having seen everything i've seen over the past year, it's tainted my perception of the albums and the songs on them.

i think that taylor has a lot of growing to do as a person. i've heard people say that sometimes celebrities are frozen at the age they became famous and i think that really shows in taylor's case. the irony of a song being titled "so high school" was certainly not lost on me. a lot of her phrasing feels very juvenile, just as her treatment of joe and everything surrounding the end of their relationship has been. i never really had feelings about him one way or another, and as i mentioned above, there's a lot we'll never know about what happened between them. but she's been pushing her victim narrative so hard and the only thing i've seen from joe is his support of palestine. actions speak a lot louder than words. it changed so drastically from the initial news of their breakup being amicable to turning him into yet another villain. i have no doubt in my mind that taylor has been treated very poorly by a lot of the men in her life, and joe is likely not an exception. but i'm to the point where i have to take everything she says with a heaping tablespoon of salt.

at the end of the day, taylor's music is her own and i understand why she's said that she wants her work to be about the music and not about the men. i can see how it would feel invalidating to have her songs picked apart and attributed to the men they're written about. and i'm not even trying to do that here. but i can't recall a time when she's been so public about her relationships? in the past, it's felt a lot more like speculation, but jesus, between ratty and tk this past year, we've just been inundated with so much that unless i was an extremely casual fan that managed to escape her face on every news show, billboard, and social media website, i can't fathom not knowing what she's singing about on these albums. she can't have it both ways.

i still have all the music that came before ttpd, and like i said, with subsequent listens, ttpd will probably grow on me a bit, but idk man, i'm over it. and i think it's important to be willing and able to criticize or at the very least analyze your favorite media, whether it's music or tv or film or literature or whatever else. your favorite thing probably sucks in one way or another and pretending it doesn't doesn't make you a better person than someone who acknowledges it. these are complex, extremely nuanced things i take issue with and when it comes down to it, i will never know taylor personally and be able to talk to her about these things and get her point of view and her thoughts. that leaves me to say my piece, which is what this post is.

as a recovering swiftie, i'm just so very tired.

#ramblings #ttpd lb #ttpd2 lb #i have a blood draw in a few hours im gonna go lay down #im more than willing to discuss any of this btw #but im not going to argue or respond to hate if i receive any #also from a purely sonic perspective?#there is nothing special vocally apart from waolom #and the music sounds so similar in almost every song #okay to rb if anyone is so inclined

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lurkingshan · 1 year ago

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Step by Step Episode 11 (OF DOOM)

Warning: I really, really did not like this episode. If you’re trying to keep positive vibes you should scroll on by, friends!

Welp. I told a few friends last week that my biggest disappointment would be if, after missing the mark on the emotional payoff of the slow burn and speed running the relationship, the show chose to break them up and do a time jump rather than staying with them in the present time and working through the conflicts they set up. And here we are! I wish I’d been wrong about where this was heading. Shouts to @waitmyturtles and @neuroticbookworm for holding me down while this show fell apart on me, I’ve been all in a tizzy about it, because I really loved it for awhile there.

This episode, yet again, felt like a disjointed mess. After last week’s cliffhanger, the idea of Pat resigning to get away from the predatory office gossip fell away within a few quick scenes. Instead the tension disappeared as the plot brought them into a bubble with only their most supportive colleagues and we swerved into a retread of the Put nonsense and a new plot about Jeng and Pat fighting to save the digital marketing team via the power of Put’s quasi-celebrity and Instagram likes. Or something. I honestly couldn’t tell you the details of what they were trying to accomplish, I was too distracted by my incredulity to pay close attention to this very sudden fake problem that they were obviously going to conquer (that, my friends, is what we call conflict with no stakes). Meanwhile, the show suddenly wants me to care about Jaab and Jen again - enough to devote a big portion of the penultimate episode’s runtime to them, what a choice - after doing fuck all with that plot for six weeks. It’s a no from me.

It doesn’t matter anyway, because soon enough we’re time skipping again! After resolving the work challenge subplot we speed past another three months of Pat and Jeng’s relationship without addressing any of their issues, and I guess I’m supposed to be at peace with being a full nine months into their relationship with no onscreen emotional advancement? But I gotta be honest, y’all. I am not. You just don’t do this with a slow burn romance narrative. You can’t spend 80% of your runtime building to something that you have no intention of paying off, and no amount of thinking about what else this show is trying to say is going to convince me they did proper justice to the relationship. I already broke down why I didn’t think the episode 10 culmination got us there, and nothing that happened in this episode changed my opinion.

And all of this is leading to yet another time jump - two entire years this time - after the big reveal that Jeng doesn’t believe in Pat at all and literally bought his success, Evil Daddy knew it all along and waited for a choice moment to deploy the info for maximum damage while twirling his villain mustache, and Pat is finally quitting for real and dumping Jeng for good measure.

And ya know what? GOOD FOR PAT. I was completely on his side in this decision. If there’s one bright spot in this episode (other than Chot, always Chot) it’s Pat getting himself together enough to realize he deserves better than the bullshit he’s been getting from Put and Jeng and walking on out. So Jeng and Pat are now broken up, but I never got invested in their relationship in the first place, because we barely saw it, let alone got the chance to live in and feel it. I wasn’t even upset while watching this breakup scene - it left me emotionally indifferent. Which is maybe the worst thing I can say about a dramatic climax in a story.

I guess next week we’ll meet Jeng and Pat again two years in the future and get some kind of happy ending. I’m gonna stick around for the finale and cross my fingers that we get all the epilogue fluff we have definitely earned, but sadly, this show has lost me.

#step by step #thai bl #shan shouts into the void

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nine-of-words · 1 year ago

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(Yokai + 5 of Cups)

NB (Genderfluid) Kitsune x Bisexual M Reader

Wordcount: 9502

Content Warnings: Drinking (Reader), Difficult Breakup, Depression, Brief Mention of Suicidal Ideation, Compensated Dating, Disguises, Minor Body Horror, Handjob (Reader Receives), Anal Sex (Reader Tops)

A kitsune feels almost like a cop-out choice for a yokai, but they’re one of my all time favorites, so here one is. I’m sure I’ll write about more varied types of yokai for this blog in the future, so starting with a kitsune probably isn’t such a bad thing. Specifically, the kitsune in this story is a nogitsune. And- oops, this turned into double the wordcount than I intended.

This year has been one of loss for you.

First, your apartment that you’ve lived in for years flooded so badly that there was no returning. You lost not just your home, but most of your belongings to the water damage.

Then, the marketing firm you worked at unexpectedly closed its doors due to some illegal activity involving the parent company, leaving you flailing in the wind without a job, your career in an utter freefall.

And to top things off with the biggest blow to your heart, your beloved girlfriend of several years, Mai; the girl you legitimately thought you’d marry someday, dumped you unceremoniously only weeks later. You’d known each other since you were children, and it was certainly the worst blow of the ones you’ve endured.

All of that, over such a short time span.

But even in your devastation, you managed to survive long enough that things began to turn around for you. Even on basic income, you managed to find a new apartment in a more central location. And it only took you a few months to network into a new job with a better salary at a different firm and recover your livelihood- you’re skilled at what you do, after all.

But Mai didn’t return to you with your good fortune. After trying to contact her a few times, you got the hint and stopped trying. She had already moved on to a different partner with better prospects, from the look of her feed one of the lonesome nights you took a late-night pity trawl through her social media.

What you thought would return things back to the way they were didn’t seem to matter. Sure, you’d gotten back the same or a neatly improved version of everything you lost; you had a beautiful new apartment and an amazing new job, but you were so empty. What is the point of having a nice life with no one to share that joy with?

It all began to feel so pointless.

You started to lean perhaps a bit too hard on your drinking habit to cope with the loss of direction.

On one particular night drowning your sorrows in liquor and your thoughts with the droning noise of the murky, smoky bar, you came back from the restroom to find a folded strip of paper stuck to the damp underside of your highball glass.

Dumped? Lonely? Need a date?

Your heart’s greatest desire granted!

X-xxx-xxx-xxxx

What clearly sounds like a dubious ad, followed by a non-descript business number. Your interest was momentarily piqued, but the sensation is fleeting.

You crumpled the slip of paper and shoved it into your pocket, writing it off, then promptly forgot about it.

When the bar closed, you ambled your way towards home, pausing halfway over the footbridge connecting the entertainment district to the residential districts to stare at the lights of the city.

Each and every time you had passed over the bridge lately, you could barely resist the urge to hoist yourself up over the guardrail and throw yourself in the canal below. That night was no different- you leaned against the railing, trying to talk yourself out of doing something hasty to end your despair.

You just needed to find a reason. Any little reason to convince yourself to make it home and try again tomorrow.

Idly searching your jacket pocket for your lighter, you feel the crinkle of the paper you shoved in there earlier. You pull it out a skim over the swimming letters.

My heart’s greatest desire, huh…?

Right… You’ll go home tonight, you reasoned, so that you can at least find out what this is all about.

One more night.

You step back off the edge of the bridge, instead dragging yourself towards the train station. You’ve already missed the last train of the night, though, so you’ll be lounging about the station until morning.

You were so crushingly lonely and starved for any bit of contact at that point, it didn’t matter who was by your side, as long as you wouldn’t be alone- anything to keep the shadows from creeping in.

…Even if you needed to pay for it…

So, you let the alcohol content still lingering in your bloodstream make the choice for you.

Sitting on the concrete curb with your device cradled to your ear, and you finally dialed the number on that sketchy slip of paper. You managed to read the digits, despite the water causing the ink to bleed.

Instead of a living person on the other line, your call connected to a phone tree, where you went through pre-recorded prompts to schedule a date with the person of your dreams, the generated voice promises- for a somewhat hefty service fee, as you expected.

You hardly feel any sense of shame as the transaction goes through. If it means you’ll not feel so alone for just a little while, it’s gold well spent.

You woke up to the early morning sun with a start, knocking over some of the copious number of water bottles, assumingly placed around you by well-meaning pedestrians where you nodded off.

But you were at least still alive to take the train home, enter your neglected apartment, and finally crawl into your disheveled, still laid-out futon to sleep off your hangover.

That’s how you find yourself days later in the present, sitting in your ex-girlfriend’s favorite cafe.

You're waiting to either be stood up, or worse, set up to be blackmailed or robbed. In your sober mind, the clearly scammy set up must've surely been just that, right?

The minutes creep by, the hope beginning to dwindle with them.

After camping your table for nearly an hour and feeling progressively more like a fool and fielding increasingly pitying looks from the servers (one of which offered you a free ice cream that you turned down), you’re almost at the brink of standing up and leaving. You sit there, resigned to having lost the money and any immediate chance in relieving your loneliness.

You can hardly believe it when she, of all people, comes through the door of the cafe.

Mai.

…It's really her.

You fight the urge to jump out of your chair and embrace her.

You had assumed it was either a joke or some sort of scam or an ad for other questionable business. But seeing what the paper promised, here in the flesh …You can barely believe your eyes.

“Sorry! Sorry I’m late!” Your ex-girlfriend seemingly says to you as she hurriedly approaches the table.

This must be some sort of joke…? It has to be.

“...Hi?”

“Hi. Sorry.” She dips her upper body forward a few times in quick succession in apology.

The resemblance is uncanny. Every little detail your eyes take in matches something you’d expect from Mai’s appearance. All of it’s the same as you remember: Her soft eyes, permanent semi-pout and long dark waves; her gentle mannerisms, sweet voice and style of speech; even her stylish choice in fashion, right down to the pastel color of her nail polish being coordinated to her outfit.

“You fell asleep on the train again, huh?” You reflexively answer in a playfully scolding tone, playing along despite still being completely dumbstruck that she’s actually standing here. Her being late for various air-headed reasons was something that happened enough over the course of your relationship to become one of her adorable quirks- this wouldn’t be the first time she spaced out and took an unintentional nap on the train.

“A-Ah, um.” She gives you a sheepish look before staring at the ground, seemingly caught red-handed. She favors one of the locks of her loosely hanging hair. “That’s right. I'm happy you waited for me. I would've been devastated if I ruined our date.”

It’s like your desperate prayers have been answered, and she’s come back to you, just like that- out of nowhere. You could cry out of pure gratitude.

But a small part of you is deeply alarmed. The prompts never had you describe anything about Mai, or your ideal partner otherwise- yet here is quite literally, your heart’s greatest desire.

You decide that you don’t care if this is a joke or some sort of scam. You can be taken for a ride, for all you care- what you care about is that she’s back.

“That’s okay. You’re here now.” You motion to the chair across from you, and she takes the seat across from you.

She picks up the colorful menu with a gleeful smile.

“Go ahead, Mai-chan. Get anything you want.”

“Anything?” She brings an open hand to her mouth to cover the gasp. “Hmm. Pudding… Waffle… Parfait…!”

You watch her mull over the menu with a strange sense of deja vu.

Your food eventually comes, delivered by a waitress who seems equal parts relieved and surprised that someone actually showed up to join you. She sets down a small, extremely meticulously decorated parfait. It’s piled with thinly sliced, colorful fruits, some cut to look like animal faces. There’s a sweet message inscribed in chocolate syrup on the plate the clear glass sits on. Mai all but vibrates out of her chair in excitement as she scoops up her first bite. Then she pops into her mouth, only to bring a hand to her cheek in surprise a moment later.

“It’s so good!”

“Is it?” You chuckle as you take a sip from your cafe au lait.

“Here, see for yourself!” She laughs sweetly, picking one of the chocolate covered biscuit sticks lodged inside the body of the dessert and holding it out to you. “Say ‘ah’-”

Any concern you still harbor is obliterated by the adorable gesture, and you happily take the bite of the treat.

You take Mai on a stroll window shopping through the rest of the mall, ensuring her that she can get anything that catches her eye. She seems hesitant to pick anything out now, despite it never being much of a deterrent before. You mean it when you say she can have anything she’d like- you couldn’t care less if you blow your whole salary on frivolous things and have to subsist off of convenience store meals for the rest of the month. You’re so thankful to have her back, and you want to show it in the way you’re used to Mai appreciating.

It takes until she lays her eyes on a soft and pathetically droopy looking stuffed fox, partially buried in a pile of other stuffed animals that her resistance finally breaks.

“Ah!! So cute!!! This!! I want this!” She gasps, picks up the pitiful looking stuffed creature you’ve ever laid eyes on. She holds it under the arms to show you, but its doe-y, wall-eyed stare does not quite reach your eyeline. Then she remembers to add; “Um- Please?”

After the shop, you find yourself pausing on the footbridge like normal, but this time with Mai at your side, her with a stuffed fox under her arm. You hold her around the waist, looking at the lights across the river and soaking in the romantic aura.

Things have gone on like that for several blissful months now. Whether it’s relaxing cafe dates and shopping, or dancing and drinks, or something else entirely; you see her as often as you can make it happen.

Every time you’re feeling down, you think of Mai being back in your life and it’s as if all the darkness has been cleansed from your soul.

You have something to live for again. A glimpse of a happy future to hold onto again.

All you have to do is call and schedule a date, pay the frankly exorbitant fee, and you have her to yourself again for the entire evening.

…Although, you have noticed a few incongruent things over time.

Small things, really, here and there. A sharpness in her eyes you sometimes catch when she wasn’t expecting you to look, before the corners soften again. A laugh that starts almost like a bark, before her normal, muted laugh plays out behind her dainty hand. A questioning, performative aura to her speech at times- as if she’s deducing the correct thing to say to comply with your pre-existing expectations.

You never see her leave in the morning- instead, she’s always gone by the time you wake up, no matter how early you rise.

Most worryingly, you wake feeling inexplicably exhausted every time afterwards- not just the usual and expected, happily spent feeling that’s normal from rolling around in the sheets, but a bone-deep fatigue, like part of your constitution itself has been sapped away.

Thinking about it too hard sends a cold shiver down your spine. You’re not a stupid man, even when being driven to make bad decisions by your desperation. Even knowing that something is amiss here, you can’t stop yourself from dialing the number again and again, your physical wellbeing be damned.

Because despite all the glaring warnings, some of the incongruencies are positive ones.

While this Mai is true to character in almost all ways, there are certainly some things you’d call an improvement.

This Mai is much more warm and loving, and seems more willing to communicate in general, rather than expecting you to guess. And when it comes to sex, this Mai is a lot more enthusiastic over all, and certainly more… skilled.

And overall, she's just more kind. Too kind, even. Too selfless to be your ex-girlfriend, who had an acute awareness of her own wants and needs, sometimes to the detriment of others’. This Mai seems to be very focused on yours.

You never realized it before now, but obligation seems to have played a large part of your relationship with Mai. And while you’re absolutely sure some of that is your fault, you’ve never felt closer to her… or this version of her, you suppose. You can’t help but feel the irony in that it only seems to have happened with a copy of her, rather than the real thing. Somehow this copy’s performance feels more genuine to you than the real Mai’s had, without you even noticing.

One thing’s for sure; It can’t go on like this forever, even if you want it to. But you know it’ll bother you now that you’ve caught on, if you don’t at least try to confirm your suspicions.

While trying to plan out what to do, a brilliant idea dawns on you, and you dial up the number once again.

Within a few days, you meet ‘Mai’ once again, this time outside a highly recommended karaoke parlor near your usual stomping grounds in the entertainment district.

She bounces excitedly by your side as you make your way through the building and file into the small, private, soundproof room decked out with a large screen and extensive sound system.

You go first, and belt out a moody rock ballad with modest skill, no stranger to visiting karaoke parlors with colleagues and clients alike, when the circumstances call for it.

Your companion cheers you on as the final chords wind down.

“Aaah, Wow!!” ‘Mai’ claps her hands together in front of herself and exclaims your name. “You're so talented!! With a voice like that, you could've been a holo-idol!”

“Hahah- Thanks.” You laugh sheepishly, and your face breaks into a knowing smile. “You're going to take a turn now, aren't you, Mai-chan? You know I really like your singing voice.”

You hold the microphone out to her in expectation, slight feedback whirring through the speakers. You feel a little bit of remorse for what you’re doing, but it’s the only way you could think of.

There’s a incredibly short moment of recalibration where she simply stares at the microphone, but then her eyes light up.

“Oh, of course!” She says excitedly, flipping her hair over her shoulder before taking the microphone and getting to her feet. She pauses to smooth her skirt down, then her heels click as she approaches the podium. “Oooo, but what song should I choose?”

“You have no shortage of options here. Go with you heart.” You press a soft kiss to the crown of her head and then take a sip of the whiskey in your hand nonchalantly.

“Mmm… No, I can't decide! You pick for me.” She demands and holds the datapad to you over her shoulder, lips curling at the edges in a barely concealed grin. She looks downright eerie, backlit by the bright neon lights of the screen behind her, bright crescent shapes on the round of her cheekbones.

“Huh. How about this one?” Still feeling slightly guilty, you scroll down and select the most challenging song you can think of for a beginner. “You remember it’s my favorite, eh?”

“Of course I remember!” She says confidently as you go back to your seat. “Here I go!”

The upbeat, funky music picks up and she launches into the song enthusiastically. It doesn’t even take a full verse for you to know your hunch about her is undeniably correct.

This isn’t Mai at all. There’s simply no way.

She has a beautiful voice and a surprising range for such a petite woman. Neither the fast or slow parts give her any hint of trouble, nor the tricky lyrics. She handles every vocal run without faltering once.

Her slender fingers clutch the microphone, and she gets fully swept away. It's hard not to get absorbed in the music yourself and forget why you're here.

What really mesmerizes you is just how passionately she’s singing, her body swaying in time to the beat. She looks actually happy- something you’ve realized you didn’t see a lot from the real Mai- only placated, slightly bored contentment.

The song comes to an end all too quickly, and you applaud, genuinely a bit moved.

“Hehe- How did I do?” She squirms in glee, before rushing back to hand you the microphone. The neon light glints off the bracelet you gave her on one of your previous dates that she’s wearing tonight.

“Amazing.”

She beams at you, twisting the knife in your gut a little more.

You don’t want to spook her by ending the session before the time you’ve already paid for runs out, so you simply enjoy it while you can, taking a few turns passing the microphone back and forth.

Finally, the block of time runs out and you walk out of the karaoke parlor into the busy square with your hand in hers. You’re more sure than ever you have to say something, now, after that performance.

You find a gap in the throngs of people near the bridge to stop for a moment and discuss. It may not be the most polite place to make an accusation like this, but at least it’s public and relatively safe.

Twinkling lights of the businesses on either side provide an almost ethereal, twilight backdrop for such a strange conversation.

“Wait. I’d like to talk about something, if you don’t mind.”

“Ah- Is something the matter?” Her body language is suddenly closed, and she adjusts her bangs nervously.

“Sort of. …You don’t seem to be yourself, lately.” You say, trying to sound as least threatening as possible.

“Oh! I’m feeling okay. But thank you for your concern.” ‘Mai’ forces a small smile.

You take a deep breath and bite the bullet.

“What I mean is- I think that may be because you’re not yourself.”

“W-What? I don’t know what on Hearth you’re talking about.” She switches to feigning ignorance, tilting her head to the side in an attempt to distract with her cuteness, then deflection. “That’s nonsense. I am me. Are you feeling okay, honey?”

“I‘m fine. But is that really so? Then what about karaoke just now?”

“Eeeh? What are you saying?” The woman protests with a pout, looking absolutely deflated. “I thought we had fun. Did you dislike my singing that much? I tried my best…”

“No, I liked it a lot. Your singing was beautiful; You have a very nice voice.” You try to keep your tone from sounding too accusatory. “But Mai doesn’t. She loathes karaoke. Can’t carry a tune to save her life. Absolutely tone deaf- she always refused to even go with me.”

“...Yes and because you like it so much, I… I-Is it so out of the realm of possibility that I’ve been practicing…?” She quickly comes back with an excuse, but it doesn’t sound like she even believes her own words.

You simply cross your arms and wait for her to say something, holding your scrutinizing gaze on her. The silence drags on an almost unbearable length of time.

“...You tricked me.” She quietly fumes, restraining the strength of her reaction so as to not cause an upset in public. Her lips form a glossy, tautly drawn line, and her fingernails dig into the strap of her purse like sharp claws.

“I tricked you?” The irony of the statement is extremely rich, coming from the body double standing in front of you.

“You called the number!” The imposter whines, and rubs at her eye, sounding on the verge of breaking into tears at any moment. Despite the attempt to not make a scene, the occasional person slows to spectate. “We were having fun and you tricked me. That’s not fair.”

Even this spat is so different. If it was Mai, she would’ve already started reeling off on you for upsetting her, glances from others be damned.

But this is more sad and pitiful than anything. It’s not really fury or scorn in her expression, though, rather than a deep wounded mournfulness. And the more you look, the more you see an expression you never really saw in the real Mai much; pure, raw fear. The signs are clear to you- her body language like she’s ready to flee at any moment, and the shifting eyes of a wild animal looking for an escape route.

“Listen-” You can't help yourself, how distraught she seems pulling at your heartstrings, and reach your hand out to comfort her. You have no bad intentions, even with this revelation, after all. If anything, you’re relieved that the distinction between this person and Mai has been drawn. Maybe now, you can get to know this person even better, without the facade…

Just as your hand connects with her wrist, a dog starts barking loudly nearby, somewhere across the plaza, and a stranger unknowingly bumps into her back while passing by. The chaos causes her to be majorly spooked, letting out a yelp and nearly jumping out of her skin.

It happens so fast- one second ‘Mai’ is standing in front of you as normal. And the next, there’s a clattering sound and something falls before wobbling against the concrete. The figure standing in front of you looks almost translucent, with a canine nature to the shadowy silhouette of their head and shoulders, complete with pointed ears poking up.

‘Mai’ drops to her hands and knees immediately, into a pool of fabric, scrambling frantically to scoop the object- a smooth, pearly white mask carved with blue lines- up and bring it back to her face. She manages to get her trembling fingers around the item and replace it.

But something’s… wrong.

Instead of Mai’s features returning to the stranger’s face, the parts of this person’s face seem to rapidly cycle through bits and pieces of multiple individual faces, combined in a grotesque mishmash- an eyebrow changing here, a new set of lips there- like flipping in a panic through broadcast channels fraught with static, desperately trying to match the right ones into a coherent set.

You reach out again- this time bending to try to help her up, but it seems your attempts at aid are only being perceived as a threat. Instead of taking your hand for support, she freezes in place.

Only for a moment, mismatched eyes turned up at you.

Then, she disappears completely into a sparkling puff of dark magenta and violet colored smoke.

The mask falls to the ground, clattering and spinning all over again.

You cough and cover your face with your sleeve- but manage to spot the form of a small, orange animal dashing off through the legs of the throng of people coming and going, despite your tearing eyes. They’re headed away from the bridge, back into the entertainment district. You keep your eyes on the bushy tail underfoot for a while, but there just isn’t enough room for you to push through as you hit a more congested area. You quickly lose track of the form in the crowd that has gathered.

You search and try to regain the trail, but eventually give up, walk back to where the mask dropped, and pick it up. Its surface seems to be made of some sort of nacre, the way that it shines as you turn it over in your hands. It feels cool and inexplicably wet to the touch, despite it not getting your hands wet. There’s a singular, shining blue jewel inlaid into the forehead.

You decide to take the mask home with you before someone calls the guard, or worse, a suit from the mana bureau shows up to investigate.

By the time you get through the door to your apartment, you’re devastated. You lean against your closed apartment door, running your hand through your hair. Does this mean you won’t see her any more? Perhaps you were too harsh, trapping her like that, but you only wanted to know the different person underneath the mask she was showing you.

There has to be something you can do.

You set the mask down on your foyer table gently, then you pull up your device, planning to call the number for the phone tree. It’s the only number you have for ‘Mai’- but the contact has mysteriously disappeared from the frequently called list in your device. You briefly chide yourself for never actually saving the number.

But it’s no matter- you’ve certainly memorized the number by now, so you punch it manually- only for the sound of a disconnected line to come back on the other end.

Panicking, you go to find the slip of paper you kept for sentimental reasons to double check you had the right number, only to find a dry, crumpled leaf in your desk drawer in its place.

“Damn it!” You swear and toss the leaf aside, unsure what you can even do at this point.

You sit in silence, hoping she’ll show up on her own, at least to come get her mask back, and then you can apologize and plead your case. But, you wait for days and she never shows up.

You check Mai's social media, but that only confirms to you that she and the person you came to know are completely different people. You kick yourself for not checking that earlier.

It takes a week of alternately wallowing in your feelings and researching in your free time, but you finally manage to contact a private investigator that doesn’t write your request off as deranged. His fee is equally deranged, so you suppose you’re in good company.

Then, it takes months of emotional turmoil on your end just waiting for news.

Just when you’re sure that the investigator just ran off with your gold, he finally gets back to you with a new number and the name of the business associated with the previous number- Club DREAM, a host club in the entertainment district that you’ve somehow never heard of, even with your years of familiarity with the nightlife in this city.

With a shaking hand, you dial the number.

It’s the same phone tree. You heave a massive sigh of relief. You’re one step closer.

You spend at least an hour on hold, but you weed your way through the numerous pre-recorded menus, but eventually get redirected to the business’ actual, live phone line.

…It’s ringing.

“Club DREAM.” A boisterous, high-pitched voice of an older man crackles on the other end, distinctly curt for business etiquette. “What the hell do you want? Phone tree not good enough for you, buddy???”

“I- Um.” You swallow. You work with people all day and think you’re quite skilled at social interactions, but you can’t help but feel cowed by the killing intent through the phone. “Well…”

“Spit it out, will you?! I’m trying to watch my proo-oograms!” They bellow dramatically.

“I think I’m looking for one of your… employees? I think I have something that belongs to them. But I’m not sure…”

The man simply spits out an address and summarily hangs up.

You follow the directions on your device screen to a less than reputable, slightly seedy part of the entertainment district.

Despite knowing the entertainment district like the back of your hand at this point, you've never known this place was over here.

You finally arrive at a cramped, ominous-looking, slightly run down building. The only entrance is from the back alley, which you have to imagine does not have a good effect on business. You would be concerned you were in the wrong place, but the buzzing neon sign above the door clearly sears CLUB DREAM onto the night.

The rickety front door rattles behind you as you enter. You're immediately assaulted by the sound of droning dance/pop hits, and a hanging haze of smoke.

Despite that, the interior is much more impressive than the outside, with modern furniture and tasteful decoration. Though, there is still a personal, almost lived-in, cozy touch of worn paint edges and the occasional burnt out bulb- slight imperfections caused by frequency of use.

There doesn't seem to be a host podium, so you head to the bar that seems to function as one.

The bar is backlit by an assortment of ghostly flames, dancing in metal-caged lanterns. They cast a soft, eerie glow that mingles with the artificial flood of the neon lights.

Curious…

It’s hard to pay too much attention to the wall of spirit lanterns, however, since the person standing in front of it behind the bar is impossible to miss. They’re imposingly tall and quite a bit round for the average city elf, clad in a jarring mix of loud colors and wild patterns, complete with a bright pink faux-fur stole sitting on their shoulders, and spectacles with long strands of beads hanging down.

“Ohhh, it’s a shame I’m retired, honey. You’re a handsome one.” The flamboyantly-berobed man coos at you in welcome, pulling their eyes from the screen perched above the bar. “Someone specific in mind you’re here to see today? Or perhaps you’re a first-timer- I haven’t seen your face before, I’m sure of it. I’d remember such a cutie.”

This is definitely the same person you spoke to on the call. Their voice is recognizable despite having a completely different vibe now; more warm and welcoming geniality, less blatant desire to murder you.

“I have M-” You stop, then correct yourself, if a bit cryptically; “...I have the mask.”

You pull the shiny mask partially out of your bag to show them, before letting it slip back down onto the pocket.

“Oh, it’s YOU.” The towering man gives a deadly, icy look over the flapping of the fan they’re cooling themselves with, and you swear you can feel the room get a few degrees colder. The less-than-friendly inflection from before is bad in full force, much more intimidating in person. “The dirtbag that stole my baby’s mask.”

Dirtbag? Stole? …Baby?

“Er…”

“Give me one good reason I shouldn't call our bouncer over to pound you flat, you thief!”

“Well… I brought it back. And it wasn’t exactly easy…”

“Hmmph.” They snap their fan closed and shove it into their obi before thrusting out a manicured hand, palm up. “Well? What are you waiting for? Hand it over, then, honey.”

“I'd rather give it back to… them… directly.” You're hesitant to give the mask back to anyone but the correct person. “I… want to talk to them. Make sure they're alright.”

“Cute!! How sweet!! But I’ll be taking it, thanks!”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t give this away to just anyone. I need to make sure it gets back to them.” You stand your ground and the grip on your bag’s strap tightens, not letting the mask out of your grasp quite yet.

The club owner gives you a long, scrutinizing look over, as if they're having a heated internal debate and you aren't privy to the details.

“Hhmmph. Well aren't you chivalrous. Fine! Suit yourself- But you can’t see them without their mask. It's not allowed!!”

Before you can form a coherent response, they keep talking, steamrolling the conversation.

“HOWEVER, you do seem to be the genuine sort. So. Here is how this is going to work, sweetie: I’m going to escort you to table 6. You’re going to hand me their mask back, I’m going to take it back to them.” They rhythmically tap their lacquered nails on the counter with each point they lay out. ”THEN, if they WANT to see you, I’ll send them out to you. But only if THEY want to. If not, I'm sure there’s someone on staff that will suit your fancy. You are still a precious customer, after all!”

You don’t want anyone else, is the first thought that nearly jumps out of your mouth, but you manage to hold it in, instead agreeing diplomatically. You worry momentarily that you’re about to be set up to be beaten to a pulp by ‘security’ and thrown into a dumpster out back, but if this is the only way to see the person of your dreams again, you’re just going to have to go with it.

“Okay.”

To your surprise, you are not put directly into a meat grinder, but instead actually led by the club owner to table 6. You take a seat, then pull the mask back out of your bag with a sigh. The club owner snaps it up immediately and rushes off, neon fabric fluttering in their wake.

“Aaah, thank youuuu~ I’ll be back soon, honey. Or maybe I won’t- we’ll have to see!”

The wait can’t be that long in reality, but it is absolutely excruciating from your perspective. You fiddle with the edges of the drink menu, not even really looking at it, shift in your seat- any small fidgeting to try to assuage your crushing dread.

You only have to stew in your own misery and self-doubt for a short while before the club owner stops back at the table.

“He said he'll see you. But you better make it right. If you hurt my baby again, I’ll hurt you.” He impatiently takes your drink order (bullying you into buying one of the more expensive bottles on the menu), then the loud, bright blur of a man disappears, just as quickly as he returned.

Not long after that, a different person arrives at your table. A tall, lithe and handsome elven man with flawlessly smooth skin and dyed-orange hair styled into a shaggy wolf cut stands there, with the overpriced bottle of liquor the club owner managed to persuade you to purchase in hand. He’s dressed in an obnoxiously ornate version of a standard dressed-down business look; button up, black vest, slacks, pointed ankle boots. The whole outfit is adorned with strategically placed, shiny details and jewelry.

“Hello,” He dips his long body forward in deference, and you catch a pleasant whiff of heady cologne. “Welcome to Club DREAM.”

You don't need to be told- you know exactly who this is. It doesn’t matter that they don’t look or sound a thing like Mai. You can feel it with every fiber of your being- like a hand reaching straight into your chest and seizing you by the heart.

“It's you.”

��Aah- it’s that easy to tell…?” He smiles bashfully, eyes squeezing closed into crescents. “Maybe I should work harder on my presentation.”

“No, I just…” You can’t even begin to explain why you were able to identify them on sight, even without the context clues. “It’s because it’s you- I think I could point you out anywhere, now.”

“Ah.” He fidgets slightly, looking unfittingly awkward with his flushed cheeks, in stark contrast of what seems to be an otherwise carefully composed image. You get the feeling he’s usually as effortlessly smooth as the cultivated image itself, when dealing with customers that aren’t you.

Muscle memory seems to kick in, finally, and they gesture to the table, then the bottle of liquor they’re holding. “Would you like me to join you?”

“Please.” You reply, probably a bit too eagerly.

He takes a seat and you sit in silence for a few moments. The only sound besides the onslaught of slightly-fried pop music playing over the speakers and low thrum of mixed conversations around you is the alcohol being poured into your glass by the obnoxiously handsome man in front of you. Your plan to pathetically grovel for forgiveness as soon as you had their ear has been eroded by just how happy you are to see them. You could sit here for hours, taking in every new small detail of their appearance and committing it to memory.

“Thank you for returning my mask.” He finally says, mercifully breaking the stalemate.

“You’re welcome. I apologize for putting you in the situation to lose it.” Then, thinking of what sort of boss he seems to have, add; “I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble with, er, your work.”

“No, Mama has been quite understanding… Though, it must’ve been a pain to return it. it couldn't have been easy to find this place.”

“It was no problem at all, if it meant I could see you again.”

“You wanted to see me that badly…?” He almost seems bashful.

“Yes! I was so worried about you, M-” You catch yourself, not wanting to call him the incorrect name out of habit. “Wait, wait, first of all- What is your name? You must have one of your own…?”

“You can call me Kanae.”

In a bold move, you choose to forgo any honorific- but you truly feel that close to him, and wish to convey that.

“Kanae.” You repeat his name to him, and his already friendly, if a bit worried, expression brightens instantly. “I've missed you.”

“I missed you too. I've been so lonely without you.”

The words alone make your heart start racing. It wasn't just you lamenting being apart, then.

“If that's the case, may I sit beside you?”

“Yes, of course.”

He comes around and slides into the padded booth next to you. He’s barely settled in when he lays a hand on your thigh. You can feel the warmth of his body pressed against your side.

You’re so pleased, you’re pretty sure you could explode. Your soul is going to leave your body.

You nurse the drink in your glass, contemplating in silence trying to calm some of your nerves. And to try to push the sensation of his fingers resting on you out of your mind long enough to articulate a sentence.

“So, this is where you… work?”

“You could say that, yes. As you may have guessed, I am not a mortal. I am a kitsune.”

“Do spirits usually work in host clubs?”

“They do when their pact holder is a host club owner, ehehe.”

It makes a lot of sense, you suppose.

“...I suppose I’m wondering how any of this works… How did you know to look like Mai?”

You’re a simple numan, lacking in any tangible magic ability. While this sort of thing doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility, it’s hard for you to wrap your head around it, without the relevant experience with the arcane.

“When someone calls the number, Mama uses divination magic to determine who the person most wants to see. Then I, or one of his other familiars, assume the form of said person, and feed off of all the positive energy radiating from the client during the appointment. I can use that energy to assist Mama better in their other magic work.”

Ah, well. That certainly explains some things.“ You had your suspicions around how you felt so deeply fatigued after each date with ‘Mai’, and it’s a relief to have them confirmed. “But why do all of this? Couldn’t you just feed off on energy without going through so much trouble?”

“I could… but I think this way is better. Energy for me, gold for Mama’s business, and the customer is happy. I get what I want, Mama gets what he wants, the customers get what they want.” He elegantly fills your glass back up from the bottle with his free hand. “It’s a fair trade. And I always stop before there’s permanent damage- no one ever gets hurt.”

“What about the client’s feelings, though? Those must get hurt sometimes.”

“Oh?” Kanae tilts their head, seemingly confused by the prospect.

“Well, when they find out it’s not real. Doesn’t it hurt their feelings?”

“...Maybe…? I’ve never really thought about it. It's just fun, right? Either way, that doesn’t usually happen. Most people simply stop calling, for one reason or another… What you did was highly abnormal…”

You can still detect a bit of discomfort on his end with his last sentence, like you’re plucking on a raw nerve. His fingers tighten against the creases on your pants like claws, just slightly, before releasing the tension.

“I truly am sorry. I didn’t intend for it to turn out the way it did.” You let out a sigh. “I just wanted to see if you were… really her, I suppose.”

“It's true. I'm not her- I can never truly be her.” He says firmly, but with a bit of regret. “I'm sorry that I misled you.”

“There’s… no need to apologize, really.” You say, putting down the glass of liquor with a smile. “I'm actually quite glad.”

“Mmm?” Kanae tilts his head and reaches up tentatively, hand creeping up your shoulder, then the nape of your neck, before twining their slender fingers in your hair.

“I like you much better.”

“...Is that s-so?” He can’t keep his face from pulling into a smirk, his eyes blatantly on your mouth. “Hahah… I’m supposed to be the one doing the flattering here, you know…”

You've begun to lean in before you realize it, and the gentle hand touching the nape of your neck helps guide you into a soft kiss.

Spirits. His lips are just as soft as before, when you still thought you were kissing Mai.

You can’t even draw much of comparison to anyone you’ve kissed before, past that. He’s an exceptionally good kisser, with his affection for you clear in the way he savors your bottom lip. The desire is palpable in each graze of his teeth or swipe of his tongue.

The scent from before is much stronger now, with your face so close to him. It’s underneath the overlaying smoky, spiced smell of bar; there’s a more familiar scent, a musk almost like earth that’s just been rained on. You recognize it- it’s the same underlying note you sometimes detected under the strong floral of Mai’s favorite perfume, but had thought nothing of before.

You can’t stop.

You’re so enraptured, you barely even register that you’re kissing so deeply in plain view of anyone else in the establishment that happens to look this way. Not that anyone could probably even see what you’re doing, with the mood lighting in this place…

Kanae must not hate it, either; you can feel the sincerely desperate, hungry way his hands grope at your thigh. That’s certainly not the way someone that is just doing their job touches a client.

“I want to keep seeing you, Kanae.” You sneak the words out around trying not to gasp for air. “Is that something that’s possible?”

“I’d like that too, hah-” You can hear the clear relief in his voice between the kisses he peppers onto your lips, your jaw, your neck. “I can’t bear the idea of never meeting again. Everyone else is so boring now. They’re not fun like you.”

You capture his lips in yours again, this time quickly losing track of time.

It’s several garbled music tracks later when Kanae pulls back with a laugh, the leather booth squeaking slightly with the sudden movement.

“Ah- I’m enjoying myself, but your time slot is almost up. And Mama hates when I go over time.” He smirks, pressing his fingertip to your bottom lip. “But… would you maybe like to come up to my room with me instead?”

You have never agreed to anything so readily in your entire life.

Kanae leads you to a narrow hallway, where behind a split curtain bearing the character for PRIVATE, there's a small set of creaky stairs. Despite the general shady look of the area he’s leading you through, when he opens a door at the end of the hall and shows you inside, you’re pleasantly surprised.

Despite the size and sparseness of the space, it’s very tidy and cozy; a strange mix of clinical and inviting. It looks almost as if someone had started to attempt to decorate a standard-issue hotel room, but didn’t quite know how to personalize it effectively. Clearly whomever decorated had an eye for design similar to that of a bird; most of the things are more here for their level of shine or sentiment, rather than objective monetary value.

Some things you certainly do recognize though. Every gift that you’ve given to Kanae while he was in Mai’s form is somewhere to be found in this room. The slightly out of place jewelry and perfume sitting on the small, faded wardrobe. Peaks of clothes that you recognize peeking out of the narrow, full-to-bursting closet. Even the pitiful little wall-eyed fox plush from your first ‘date’ is here, sitting propped against the oversized pillow atop the slightly unkempt bed.

It warms your heart to see that he’s kept everything you’ve given him…

“This is your room, then? It’s quite cute.” You lose your shoes by the cramped entryway before entering the room proper.

“Thank you. Please make yourself comfortable. It’s not much, but Mama makes sure we all have our own space.”

You take a seat on the bed, as Kanae gestures for you to do. Then he climbs onto the bed after you, pushing you backwards by the shoulders with a laugh and a set of hungry, toothy kisses.

After making some minor positioning adjustments for both of your comfort, you’re fully sprawled out on top of his fluffy bedspread. Kanae is hovering over you, sitting on his tucked knees, flush to your side.

You grab the stuffed fox you’ve fallen back onto by the head like your hand’s a crane game claw- gently- and place it on the nearby nightstand, facing away. Or at least you think it is…

Kanae makes a noise of approval and his hands dexterously unbutton the front of your dress shirt, exposing your chest. He leans in to press his lips to the expanse of skin along the top of your pec, hands continuing to work down the buttons and wisps of styled orange hair tickling you.

“Ah-”

After a bit of teasing, well-needed attention, he finally pulls up with a gasp, looking down at your flushed skin with a look of pride.

“So, is this what you normally look like?” You ask, your curiosity starting to burn a hole in your tongue as badly as the heat suddenly burning up your face. Your hands are already running down his sides, getting dangerously close to the base of his spine. “I like it.”

“Yes and no. This is my favorite face, so to speak. Mama gave it to me when he retired, since he wasn’t using it anymore. His face is my face now.” He tilts his head, displaying his own beautiful features to you with a look of pride as he shrugs out of his vest and then starts to explore your chest with his hands. “Or at least the one that feels the most like my own. My true form looks much different than this.”

That’s the familiarly you’re seeing in his face, you realize. Your mind finally draws the connection between the features of the man in front of you and the bombastic club owner downstairs, though they’re much more youthful on Kanae.

You can't say you're not intrigued by the idea of what Kanae really looks like- something similar to that glimpse of shadow you saw when his mask fell off, you wager- but a more pressing question enters your mind first.

“Wouldn’t he mind you using his face for, uh… certain activities?”

“Oh- I don’t think he minds at all- He certainly doesn’t look like this now, after all, ehehe.” A faint, mischievous smile settles on his lips, and for a moment you swear you catch a glimpse of vulpine eye teeth. “I don’t mind. …Do you?”

His hands wanders to your waistband, waiting for a response.

“...N-No.” You can’t find it in you to feel shame about it- the difference in looks is wide enough for you to choose to simply delete that information from your mind forever.

He makes a noise of approval, then turns his attention to your still fastened slacks, making short work of your belt and zipper and making room to pull your dick out from your pants. His hand is squeezing you around the base testingly, soft but firm pressure, before he moves his fingers upwards in a few slow, drawn out strokes.

Then, abruptly and without any ceremony, he reaches over and thrusts his hand under the oversized pillow behind your head, hand re-emerging moments later with a small jar of viscous liquid.

You cock your head in surprise, though the sight isn’t something that surprises you for long. Of course Kanae keeps his lube underneath his pillow; that suits him perfectly.

Lukewarm slick dribbles onto your cock from the bottle, the continued loving movements of Kanae’s palm and fingers spreading it across the length of your shaft with soft, squelching noises.

Kanae watches the movements of his hand glide up and down your slippery cock with a diligent smile. His bright eyes flick up occasionally to monitor your expression.

“Nngh-” You wince, unable to keep the grunt of impatience from your chest. You’ve been waiting to feel his touch again for so long, and now that it’s happening, all you can think about is getting more.

Kanae laughs softly at your desperately eager state.

“Oh… Do you like this?” He asks in an innocent tone. You know he’s being coy, given the fact he’s already stroking you in your favorite way- clearly retaining the knowledge from the times he’s done this to you before as ‘Mai’.

“I think you know full well-” You huff, your whole body beginning to heat up.

You watch down your body, rapt as your eyes follow Kanae's hand enthusiastically servicing you. You've gone from excited and half-hard to rock solid and throbbing in his hand in no time.

“Mmm… Looks like someone is ready for more. This soon, even.” He sighs, thumb tip dragging the edge of your foreskin up and pressing into the well of accumulated precum on your slit. “It’s just so hard to be patient, isn't it…?”

“I've never been with a man like this,” You admit, slight hesitancy in your tone. While you've always found men attractive as well, you’ve been with Mai for most of your young adulthood, so you haven't had much opportunity to explore any of that. “So, please excuse my inexperience.”

“Mmh- Don’t worry, honey.” Kanae says in a reassuring, affectionate tone as he removes his pants and straddles you.“I’ll take care of everything.”

You can feel his hardness press against your thigh, and there’s a clear small patch of wetness on the front tail of the button-up he still wears. The sight makes you want to explode.

“Ah- Are you sure?” Despite how lovely the prospect sounds, you’re typically very invested in making sure you’re giving proper service to your partner, so the idea of just laying back and leaving all the work to Kanae makes you a bit uncomfortable.

“Yes,” Kanae says, eyes glinting mischievously. “I’ve already prepared myself.”

“That’s-” You’re only distracted by the way the thought makes your dick twitch by the seemingly impossible logistics. “Wait, when did you have time to do that?”

“Before I came to the table earlier.” Kanae says simply, smirking without a lick of guilt in their expression- instead oozing a perverse sort of pride. “I had the hope that since you showed up- you’d want to do this.”

The dumbstruck grin on your face turns into an open-mouthed groan as he lowers his prepped hole onto your cock. He grins your chest for balance and presses himself down eagerly, inching down your shaft faster than you'd expect; you expect he must know what he's doing.

Kanae lets out a long, dreamy sigh that changes into a faltering whimper as he reaches the root of your dick, flesh grinding against your pelvic bone.

“Aah- Amazing-” You choke out into the back of your hand, already slightly dazed by the tight, warm feeling of his body squeezing around you.

He starts out with a gentle rocking, but it doesn’t take long for him to lose his sense of restraint and build up to riding you with a forceful, reckless sense of urgency.

“Ah-h-” Kanae grimaces, his features flickering and threatening to change like they did before, when he had lost his mask. “S-Sorry- I don’t think I can k-keep this up- Nngh-”

“What’s wrong? Does it hurt?” You lift your torso slightly, ready to help if he needs it.

“No- the opposite-” They pant sheepishly, obviously struggling hard to keep their form cohesively looking like his host persona. “Too good! Can't- focus-”

“Should we stop?”

“Don’t want to- but-”

“It's okay- Hah- Y-You can show me what you look like-” Your fingers dig into his thighs for emphasis. “You can trust me, Kanae-”

Kanae lets out a vulpine whimper in the last lingering bit of protest he has left in him, but doesn’t need more convincing than that to let the illusion drop.

The elven features melt away in waves, starting at the crown of his head, sloughing off his shoulders and dripping down his nimble fingertips. His skin loses its flesh color, changing instead to an almost ghostly partially translucent black color, like a light wash of ink. His body is still solid despite looking like a silhouette, but softer and malleable. You can feel your fingertips dig in ever so slightly more into his thigh than before.

And of course, his face becomes completely smooth, changing into a recognizable, simple mask with fox-like features painted onto its pearlescent surface.

“Aah-” Even Kanae’s voice has a slightly echoing, ethereal aspect to it now, and his shiny claws struggle to not tear into where he holds you down by shoulders. “Nnh-”

Despite Kanae’s initial protests, you are largely unfazed by the change. If anything, you’re even more enamored by the change. You can’t help yourself, thrusting upwards into the new, slippier sensation of Kanae’s partially incorporeal body. His body feels as oddly damp and slick as the surface of his mask.

His claws prick your skin as he pointedly grinds backwards a few times, any self-consciousness forgotten in his single-minded pursuit.

“Ggrr-ngh-” A growl tapers off in Kanae’s throat as his body goes completely rigid, his insides clench around you in a vice-grip and he keens, shooting his pleasure across your stomach.

It’s too much. You don’t have any hope of containing yourself any longer, and hold him firmly to you by his sides as you roll your hips upwards through the feeling of your orgasm. Your muscles contracting so hard you momentarily forget to breathe, warmth spreading out over where you’re still lodged inside of him.

Kanae lets himself sink forward onto your chest, energy completely depleted, with his arms tucked up and hands curled on your chest. You can see the brush tip of his tail twitching from your view down his back.

“Kanae, will you be mine?” You say as you finally regain enough breath to speak coherently. “I want to be with you.”

“Ahah- I-” The expression on the mask doesn’t change, but you can hear his voice waver in muted, but elated excitement. His tail whips behind him even faster. “I’d like that.”

You press a soft, affectionate kiss to the smooth, solid surface of his mask, feeling the coolness on your lips.

You may have lost a lot in the past year, but what you’ve managed to keep means so much more to you.

>> ✨ MASTERLIST >> ☕ KO-FI

#exophilia #monster romance #monster lover #monster x reader #monster x human #kitsune #kitsune x reader #male reader #nb monster #genderfluid monster #nblm #nbxm #oc: kanae #oc: takuya #tarot oneshots #nine of words

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jamiewintons · 1 year ago

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You Deserve Better (Jamie Winton/F!Reader)

Summary: You and your toxic boyfriend break up, and your best friend Jamie is there to comfort you.

Tags/Warnings: Friends to Lovers, discussions of toxic relationships/cheating. Reader’s ex bf is named Owen because I legitimately looked up a random name generator and that’s what came up. Sexual references. Misogyny (from the awful boyfriend).

A/N: Based on an anonymous request that reads - "can i request jamie comforting reader after a breakup but he's like He didnt treat u right he wasnt exactly nice to you. and then he confesses he likes u and just some nice comfort plssss". So, I hope that the anon and everyone else who chooses to read this enjoys it very much!

Word Count: 2658

Jamie Tag List: @demontoucansam @the-fandomgremlin @clydethesnake @abloomingspaceship @butlersluvbot

~~~

Jamie had never liked your boyfriend. And it wasn’t because of the massive crush he had harboured for you since not long after the two of you became friends, no matter what Dave tried to say. Well, maybe it was a little bit about that, but Jamie also had plenty of valid reasons to hate the guy. For starters, he was a dick.

You had met Owen - the aforementioned dick of a boyfriend - at work about six months ago. Jamie had never been able to understand what you saw in him. Owen was rude, dismissive, and worst of all, utterly disrespectful of you. He mocked your interests, damaged your self-esteem with his 'opinions' on how you dressed and did your hair, and he especially didn’t approve of you having male friends - though thankfully, you were pretty adamant about keeping your friendships, but it did cause a lot of arguments that would often leave you crying on Jamie’s shoulder.

Jamie always tried his best to be polite to Owen, even if deep down he hated the guy. He was sure he’d never disliked someone more in his entire life. You deserved to be treated like a princess, and Owen didn’t seem to appreciate how lucky he was to have been chosen by you. Dave often urged Jamie to make a move, but he didn’t want to be one of those weird guys who hit on their female friends. He worried that it would make you think that he’d only befriended you to try and get in your pants, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When the two of you had met, Jamie was still mourning the disappearance of his wife, Layla, but his feelings of friendship for you slowly turned into romantic ones when he realised how sweet you were, and suddenly he realised you were the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He’d been sure he’d never move on from Layla, but you were the first person to make him want to try again.

But unfortunately, it was Owen that you liked, and not Jamie. All he could do was be a supportive friend and comfort you when you and Owen had yet another fight, but you’d always end up going back to him. It hurt Jamie to see you do that. Even if you didn’t come to the sudden realisation that you loved him, Jamie wanted to see you with someone who would make you happy, rather than someone who reduced you to tears every other week.

When he got your text saying that you and Owen had cheated on you and the two of you had broken up, Jamie couldn’t believe what he was reading. Cheating was a pretty evil thing to do in Jamie’s book as it was, but why the fuck would anyone ever cheat on you? You were smart, sweet, funny… as well as completely gorgeous - the whole package, really. Your only real flaw in Jamie’s eyes was that you didn’t see how wonderful you were (and that was probably part of the reason you ended up dating such a toxic nightmare). What he wouldn’t give to be able to tell you how amazing and beautiful he thought you were… but it would probably come off as weird, since you were just friends and you’d never expressed any romantic interest in him.

It was only about half an hour til the bank shut when Jamie got your text. You were probably the one of the only things in the world Jamie cared about more than his precious routine, so he asked someone else to close up for the night and left in a hurry. He made a quick trip to the shops to buy a tub of your favourite ice-cream - hoping to bring a smile to your face - and then headed straight to your house, knocking on your door and nervously fidgeting with his tie until you answered.

"Thought you might need this," Jamie said when you opened the door, your tear-stained cheeks making his heart ache. You were already wearing pyjamas despite the fact that it was only just after 6.30pm, so you were obviously going through a bit of a spiral. He couldn’t blame you for that after what had happened today.

"Thanks," you sniffled, taking the tub from Jamie’s hands and bringing him inside. You shut the door behind him, and went to place the ice cream on the table before moving back to give Jamie a hug. When you rested your head on his shoulder, he felt his heart melt. It took every ounce of his willpower to not press a gentle kiss to your forehead or run his fingers through your hair. He just wanted to hold you and make you smile again, but after a few moments you pulled away and he couldn’t help but mourn the loss of your body pressed against his. "I wasn’t expecting you to come over so quickly. You’re the best."

"It’s no problem." Jamie’s cheeks flushed a little when you called him 'the best', but he was happy that you didn’t seem to notice. He watched as you walked to the kitchen and grabbed a spoon so that you could start eating the ice cream he’d bought you straight from the tub. When you took your first mouthful of the ice cold dessert, your eyes did brighten ever so slightly. Mission accomplished, he thought to himself. "You’re going through something horrible, and it’s the least I can do as your friend."

"You remembered my favourite ice cream flavour," you mused, and Jamie followed you into the living room so you could sit side by side on the sofa. Then, you stabbed your spoon into the ice cream once again so you could scoop some more out.

"Of course I did." That was a pretty basic thing to remember about someone you’d been close friends with for years, Jamie thought.

"Owen never would have remembered something like that." You released a long, deep sigh of exasperation, looking like you were about to start ranting. Jamie didn’t mind. He knew that you would definitely need to vent after everything that had happened, and besides… he thought you were cute when you started rambling. Ugh, he was so sappy. "He never remembered anything about me. Honestly, I’m surprised he even remembered my name most days."

For the next few minutes, you spoke at length about all of Owen’s flaws. Honestly, it was refreshing to see you speaking your mind about him like this. In the midst of all of you and Owen’s fights while you were still dating, you would blame yourself for all of your relationship issues, no matter how many times Jamie tried to convince you that it wasn’t your fault. So Jamie didn’t interrupt - except to quietly agree with your assessment of the situation - and allowed you all the time you needed to get things off your chest.

"And this is a bit of a TMI, but he was really selfish in bed. Like he did not care whether I enjoyed myself or not. So good luck to that girl I caught him with. Hope she’s good at faking orgasms." You laughed dismissively, and then ate another spoonful of ice cream.

Jamie’s face flushed slightly, partially because of your use of the word orgasm, but mostly because he was trying not to think about the fact that if he had a chance with you, he’d do everything he could to make sure you were satisfied, and— yeah, he needed to not think about that, otherwise he’d have an embarrassing problem on his hands, and he didn’t want to humiliate himself in front of you. Then, what you’d actually said - apart from the bit about sex - sunk in. You’d actually caught Owen with another woman? "Do you, uh… do you want to talk about what happened?" he asked, both because he wanted you to talk about what happened for your own good, but also because it would distract him from thinking about… well, satisfying you. "Only if you feel comfortable."

You sighed again, but this time you sounded tired, defeated. "There’s not much to tell, I suppose…" You dropped your spoon into the tub of ice cream. It seemed like you were all out. Jamie internally scolded himself for not getting you a bigger tub. "I went over to his flat because we’d had lunch plans earlier, and he’d stood me up. Turns out he’d forgotten about me because he was too busy shagging some other woman. I walked in on them in bed together."

Jamie noticed your eyes starting to well with tears as you recalled the story, so he put his arm around you. You seemed to be comforted by the gesture and rested your head on his shoulder again, melting Jamie’s heart once more. God, you were so precious, but he couldn’t think about that right now. You needed a supportive friend, not an idiot fawning over you.

"When they saw I’d walked in, the woman quickly got dressed and left. Once she was gone, Owen and I ended up having another fight." Your voice had begun to get a bit shaky, another sign that you might start crying. Jamie wanted to nip that in the bud - seeing you cry was honestly a heart-shattering sight - but it was what you said next that truly confused him. "When I asked him why he’d cheated, he said that he had every right because I’d cheated first."

"What?" Jamie asked, utterly baffled. That did not sound like you at all, and even if you had cheated, Jamie probably would have known about it already since he was your closest friend and you told him pretty much everything.

"That’s what I said! Then he was like 'Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about', and when I asked him to explain he said 'Don’t pretend that there’s not anything going on between you and that Jamie guy'…" You’d cleaned up what Owen had actually said, since he hadn’t used such kind words to refer to Jamie and you didn’t want him hearing such horrid things being said about him.

Oh Jesus Christ… Jamie thought to himself, his heart pounding fast inside of his ribcage. Owen had actually thought that you and him had some kind of secret affair going on? He couldn’t help but feel like everything you’d gone through today was his fault, since Owen had believed he was justified in cheating because you apparently had already cheated… with him! That was when Jamie realised that you were still talking, and that he should probably get back to listening.

"He said 'Obviously you’re shagging him, because why else would he be hanging around you? It’s not like you’ve got anything else to offer,' and that’s when I told him it was over and I left. Then I came back home and texted you." You took a deep breath, having got to the end of your story. Well, there was something else that you’d wanted to say, but you weren’t sure whether now was the right time.

That certainly had been a lot. Jamie hardly knew what to say. "He’s a dick," was what he settled on saying, and he heard you let out a little riffle that made his heart flutter.

"Yeah, he is," you agreed, and Jamie could tell from your voice that you were smiling.

There was a long silence after that, with you still resting your head on Jamie’s shoulder. It felt so right sitting there with you like that, so close with his arm around your shoulder. It was like this was how things were meant to be. That was probably what possessed Jamie to say what he said next. "You know, I never thought Owen was good enough for you," he said softly, tilting his own head to the side and resting it on top of yours. You didn’t make any attempt to move away, so he assumed you were fine with it.

"I always thought that he was a dick, and he never treated you properly. You deserve someone who remembers your lunch plans and cares about whether you get off or not." He usually wouldn’t just come out and say something like that so plainly, but he was just speaking his mind now and wasn’t thinking too much about how he actually said things. "And you definitely deserve someone who doesn’t go around shagging other women just because he got jealous over something that wasn’t true—"

"It… wasn’t entirely untrue…" you replied, and Jamie sat up straight so that he could look at you.

"What… what do you mean?" Jamie’s heart began to race. Surely you didn’t mean what it sounded like you meant, right? He took a breath to try and keep himself calm, and it annoyed him how shaky it was.

"I mean, I… I have always had a bit of a crush on you…" You admitted, and Jamie was sure that he was dreaming or he was in a coma or something. There was absolutely no way that this was real. He felt you take your head off his shoulder and he looked at your face to try and determine whether you were joking or not.

You were blushing. Did that mean...? "A crush... a crush on me...?" Jamie asked softly, like the idea of anyone - let alone you, the most wonderful person in the world - having a crush on him was absolutely unthinkable.

"Yes, Jamie. I have a crush on you. A big one." You couldn't help but smile. You'd been unsure for a while whether Jamie felt anything beyond friendship for you, but his frankly adorable reaction to you telling him how you feel seemed to confirm that he did. "I have for years."

Jamie's face went completely red, and he was beginning to worry that he was going to faint. "You... you never said anything," he managed after a few moments of stammering uselessly, his cheeks feeling like they were on fire.

Of course you hadn't said anything! You'd been under the impression that the man was pining for his missing wife since the two of you had met. "I guess... I thought I wasn't good enough for you," you said with a shrug, not wanting to bring up the whole Layla situation if you didn't have to. Before you even had the chance to open your mouth to continue speaking, Jamie was talking again.

"You're not good enough for me?" Jamie shook his head, in complete disbelief. "Love, you're so far out of my league I feel ridiculous even fantasising about you.."

You couldn't help but giggle softly - both at Jamie calling you 'love', and him admitting that he'd fantasised about you. "You fantasise about me a lot, then?" It was hard to resist teasing him, especially when his cheeks flushed like that.

"I... uh..." Jamie rubbed the back of his neck nervously, unable to believe he'd just come out and said something like that to you, especially when you'd only just admitted you liked him. God, he was such an idiot sometimes. He knew that he should say something, do something, anything other than just sit there frozen, but he was at a complete loss.

Luckily, you seemed to know exactly what needed to be done.

The sound that escaped Jamie when he finally felt your lips against his was one of both contentment and relief. It just felt so... right. Like all of those years thinking that he wasn't good enough for you just melted away in an instant. Jamie brought his hands up to cradle your face as you kissed, stroking his thumbs against your cheekbones.

Eventually, the two of you had to pull away from each other, and Jamie could swear that the way you were looking at him right now was almost as good as the kiss. It was like you couldn't think of anywhere in the world you'd rather be than right here, with him - the exact same way he felt about you.

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