#one of my friends fucjing tEXTED ME THIS FIRST THING ON A MONDAY MORNING

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

oversharing time whoooo. putting this under the cut for like 10% length reasons 90% This Shit Gets Kinda Dark

so like the worst my mental health ever got was in college and it’s not like i was actively suicidal but i had VERY easy means to a very quick end. and i was getting like, more and more scared that i’d wake up one day and do something abt it (which is why the part of ed’s suicide/recovery arc that fucks me up the second most is when he’s drowning and fighting it bc there’s a part of him that wanted this, that’s why hornigold pushed threw him off a cliff and that’s why ed forced the crew to kill him, but then underneath all that he really really DIDNT want to die and is going kicking and screaming and fighting so hard to stay alive. ahaha anyway!)

so then when i dropped out it was a rlly difficult and emotional decision, definitely the best decision of my life hands down but at the time i felt like a failure and i had to say goodbye to a lot of friends, some of them i just had to text bc it was like a random ass monday and they were in class. it was very sudden too like i did not wake up that morning even rlly knowing that dropping out was an option but then by noon my half of the dorm was packed.

but then as my parents were driving home and i was texting ppl letting them know what was going on i started getting like. rlly giddy. and at one point we stopped for food and i was literally skipping into the restaurant and cracking jokes and my mom was like “why are you smiling aren’t u like suicidally depressed” which yes i absolutely was and would continue to be for a pretty good while

but the thing was that i no longer had access to that quick n easy way end my life. and literally just that fact itself was such a huge and instant relief it made me feel genuinely happy for the first time in weeks or months. nothing was really fixed but just being out of that environment, as much as it was rlly sad to leave, was such a huge weight off my shoulders

so yeah ed in e5. my man is in a remarkably upbeat mood for someone who had just barely survived his very very very recent suicide attempt. he’s all cheery during his youtuber apology speech and he’s having fun hanging out with stede very calmly and definitively saying things like “i’m not the captain” with absolutely zero negativity and he’s fixing doors and getting pushed off boats and doing a cannonball off the side of the ship and getting all excited to fish with fang

he’s not the captain anymore! stede is! and not only does Not Being Captain make him less miserable but it also takes away his ability to order the crew to do literally anything. no more forcing everyone into endless back-to-back raids no more steering them into storms and ordering ppl to fight to the death, he can’t do any of that shit. he no longer has access to his prior method(s) for killing himself. and ed’s got a lot of work still to do, he’s definitely still having a hard time believing that he’s not unlovable. but just no longer having the ability to force ppl to kill him in self defense (him, in his fucjing cat collar and burlap onesie) is a huge weight off his shoulders. especially after he did successfully get them to kill him and then realized in a weird dream hallucination that he actually did not want to die. unlike me where i never quite got to that point ed was fully there, he was making that choice to end his life even tho deep down he really really wanted to live.

but now he can’t make that choice again. it’s out of his hands. and that’s gotta feel really fucking good.

rlly tired should b sleeping but im thinkin abt ed teach again and im gonna tell y’all abt the part of ed’s suicide/recovery arc that fucks me up the most on a personal level but im gonna have to overshare abt my mental health in the process

anyway it’s actually not anything in the first 3 episodes altho that shit fucks me up too. but no it’s the way ed behaves in episode 5 that like. OOHHHH BABY that hits rlly fuckin close to home.

[somesunnyda-y]

Good morning to you all as well