#one like = one more point on this stupid dynamic programming question

[anthyies]

sometimes u choose ur classes so they’re all after 10 am and then you have two 8 am finals. because life hates you

[reverie-starlight]

{lovesick - kuroo t.}

“I pictured you with other girls in love… then threw up on the street.”

gn!reader

warnings: fluff!!! minor angst but don’t worry it’s resolved very quick!!! also, despite the lyric I’m using, there’s no throwing up in this fic, just mentions of it/feeling nauseous. I think I debated scrapping this this like 3 times. tried a new writing style (intentional tense changes) lmk what you think!!

...I might actually write for this specific lyric for other characters too, I have a lot of pent up feelings about it clearly...

there comes a point in your relationship with kuroo tetsurou that makes you question everything.

that point, unfortunately, came in your last year of high school when he stared at you a little too intently while you were laughing at one of his stupid jokes. one he’s told many times over the years, but still always managed to get you.

he grinned at you as you calmed down and you hated the way your heart thumped at the lingering amusement and fondness in his eyes.

you hated the way you were both silent after, eyes locked and no words spoken.

you hated the way his expression turned soft as if he had just had come to a satisfying realization. you knew what that meant because you were sure yours was identical.

in that moment, you hated that you had both finally accepted that maybe, just maybe, there was more to your friendship.

because it meant you had even more to lose.

cut to your second year of university. your relationship hadn't really progressed any further than the in between of friends and more.

but that in itself was a step forward because it meant your interactions were had with the unspoken agreement that you would end up together.

you didn't go to the same school anymore- you stayed in tokyo for university and he moved away for his program.

you still saw each other often enough, though, when he would visit home either during free weekends or for holidays.

kenma also stayed in tokyo, at a different university, but he was closer than his best friend that’s for sure. most friday nights were spent with him, either on call with kuroo or physically with him when he visited as kenma played video games.

everything was the same but everything was different.

kenma commented on how gross kuroo’s obvious displays of affection for you were, something he never had to do over the years.

and you'd just ignore him, obviously, but get a little giddy inside that kuroo was being so open with his fond stares and hands that were always touching you somehow.

with that confirmation that maybe you wouldn't lose him, you grew to love how his expressions turned soft for you.

you loved how your heart would beat just a bit faster (often in time with his, as you found out when he would grab your hand and place it over his chest so you could feel his) when you saw each other after a while.

you loved that you were falling in love with him, and accepted the fact that maybe you always were.

along with your excitement that one day kuroo would be yours, there was an underlying fear that you were taking too long with this game you were playing. dancing around each other, teasing, flirting- only with each other, it never extended to other people. but still...

what if he gets bored and finds someone else? what if while he’s away for school, you drift apart? the higher you go with your education, the busier you’re bound to be… what if he stops coming to visit and the dynamic you have now falls apart?

all these thoughts bubble over and make themselves known on a night out a few weeks later.

kuroo’s home again, for a week this time, and you decide to get a group of people together at a club. included are bokuto and akaashi, kenma opting to pass for his games, and one of your friends from high school.

you’re slightly drunk, giggling with her about one thing or another when the topic of conversation turns to him. she looks over at him, dancing with bokuto, as akaashi watches them from the sidelines, exasperated.

“you’re pretty good friends with kuroo, right?” she asks.

a dopey grin makes its way onto your face at the mention of his name (against your will) and you nod.

“well get this- my friend goes to the same university as him, they have a class together, and she’s thinking of asking him out after the break.”

your face falls and you’re sucked into a state of panic.

realistically, you have nothing to worry about. if earlier that day was any indication of how kuroo still felt about you, he would turn this girl down. his warm hands on your cheeks as he pressed kisses to your forehead in greeting at the train station. his hand in yours when you walked from the car to your apartment where he’s staying for the week.

(the logical thing to do here would be to tell her that you and kuroo are unofficially a thing, so he's kind of off limits, but you're too tipsy for logic at this point.)

"do you think he's looking for anything right now?"

your friend tries to get your attention, but you can't hear her. you stare at him from across the room and pictures of him cuddled up with this stranger flash through your mind, kissing her how you've always wished he'd kiss you, being pushed to the sidelines in his life as he moves on-

before she can call out to you again, you’re already dashing to the washroom, nausea settling into your stomach at the thought of him possibly falling in love with someone else. you haven’t had enough alcohol to make you sick, which makes it all worse. this feeling is here because you're in love. and want him to be yours. and he might be ripped away from you.

some might call it a newly developed strain of lovesickness.

you’re unaware that he follows you after seeing you dash in between him and bokuto.

you lock yourself in the large stall and crouch to the ground, head in your hands. making an attempt to steady your breathing, you inhale deeply and exhale slowly.

a knock on your stall can be heard. "y/n? are you in here?"

"yeah." your voice is quiet, but thankfully the music has faded to a dull thumping so he's able to hear it.

"can I come in?"

you don't know how to answer that, but you ponder on it for a second too long, apparently, because now he's stepping onto the toilet seat of the next stall over and climbing over into yours.

you look up at him pitifully and he sighs. "what's up, buttercup?"

there's no use waiting any longer. you tug on his sleeve and he moves closer, wrapping an arm around you. "my friend's friend wants to ask you out after the break and I felt sick just thinking about it."

you don't look at him when you say it, but you can hear the barely contained joy in his voice at your confession. "yeah? you don't want me to date anyone else? you finally staking your claim on me?"

he pulls you closer to him when you nod. "good. I was getting worried I'd have to be the one to give in first."

you slap his arm and he laughs. "tetsurou," you say.

"hmm?"

"I'm not going to be the one to ask you officially, that's on you."

"that's fine, I was going to anyway. I've been waiting a long time for this, baby."

you finally look up at him. "yeah?"

he grins down at you and the look in his eyes has once again gone completely soft, just for you. "oh yeah."

he shifts a bit until you're both facing each other on the (probably dirty) bathroom floor of a tiny club in tokyo and asks the question you've been yearning to hear since that day in your last year of high school.

"y/n, will you do me the honour of officially being mine?"

"well obviously," you say and finally kiss him.

BONUS:

kuroo's last day at your apartment came far too quickly.

but the days after your confession were the best days you've ever spent with him. neither of you wanted to say goodbye, conversations were had about doing semi-long distance and you were both more than willing.

that didn't stop you from trying to get him to stay in your bed a bit longer.

"y/n, come on, I have to get ready to go to the train station," he laughed as you clung to him.

"no." was your only response, and you wrapped around him even tighter. he was sitting on the edge of your bed, trying to put a shirt on, but your arms were locked around his torso.

"baby, please, I promise if you let me get up and dressed at the very least I'll come back and we can cuddle a bit longer.

he felt you smile a bit into his skin at the use of the pet name. he had been experimenting with them throughout the week and he had concluded based on your reactions to them that baby always made you smile and look away, sweetheart made you nuzzle into him and whine, and the one time he called you gorgeous you shivered and almost dropped a glass of water out of excitement. of course there were others that had good reactions, so he had a full arsenal of names to call you now.

"hmmm, but tetsurou, we both know that you could have easily gotten me off of you by now if that's what you really wanted,"

however nothing compared to how he absolutely melted into you whenever you said his name like that, in that tone.

he turned and pounced on you, reveling in your giggly shrieks as he nibbled on your neck. your arms wrapped around his bare shoulders.

"if I'm late it's going to be your fault, sweetheart, and I will make you regret it."

"so menacing, I'm terrified- NO!" you were cut off by a new string of laughter and pleading for him to stop as his hands attacked your sides.

if being late meant more time to hear your laugh and feel your skin, maybe kuroo would just give in and catch the 5 o'clock train instead.

[quokkahans]

Double Catfished! [Part 2/3]

After months of talking with each other online, Changbin decideds to confess to Jisung. Then, they plan themselves a date, nothing could go wrong right?

Or a chapter that the two lovers accidentally catfish each other as they gained weight over the course of a year.

A/N: INTERACTIVE CHAPTER ALERT!! Read until the end to find out the question that is up to you, the fate of this very story. Enjoy!

WARNING: This fic contains feederism, and intentional weight gain which are all SAFE FOR WORK / SFW. If you are uncomfy with this type of story, please look away and scroll before the cut.

AO3 VERSION

Remember when Changbin hasn't slept well lately due to his conflicting feelings towards Jisung? Well, he isn't making this up, unfortunately. The black-haired has been experiencing dreams about a certain man holding him hostage, and certainly obsessed about the boy. 

Most often he would be abruptly awoken by a sudden noise, such as his alarm or something within the dream (more like a nightmare at this point) which left Changbin rattled. But he still had work to do and bills to pay, so he would often go to his workplace like nothing happened a few seconds ago.

"Stupid dreams..", the assistant muttered bitterly before ripping half of the sandwich he made because he was in a rush. Then, Changbin went inside the broadcasting network's building and headed to the sounds office while checking if he had to oversee the audio in a news program today.

He and Seungmin were partnered most of the time during broadcasts or news segments, their experience proved a cohesive dynamic between themselves despite the two having different personalities. 

A head of chestnut hair suddenly popped out of the door and the older knew that it was the puppy boy. "Hey! Good morning, hyung.", the younger boy snorted before looking at the slightly messy look of Harry and shaking his head. "What happened to you? Did you see a ghost?", he teased but recieved a hard nudge.

"Shut up, Seungmin. Nothing's good in my morning.", a blunt mumble came from Seo's mouth before sighing quietly. "Sorry for making it seem that I'm mad though, I had bad dreams lately-"

Seungmin's head perked up at the mention of bad dreams before gasping, "What?! Tell. me. everything."

Changbin nodded solemnly, "Okay, here it goes.."

Changbin explained everything from start to finish on how he would have a "blind date" with a particular man before hitting it off to how they became boyfriends and suddenly.. he was in a different house.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!", that was what Seungmin could only muster but his appalled reaction said it all. 

"Seungmin, language."

"I'm sorry but what?! Did you not sleep well.. Who hurt you?"

"No one! But I haven't really slept well to be honest."

"Because?"

Changbin froze at the question, hesitating whether or not he should tell Seungmin about his budding feelings towards Jisung but as if it was planned, their boss told them to prepare the sounds for a broadcast scheduled for a few minutes.

"I'll tell you later.", he finally responded to the younger before the two were now beginning to work.

With that, let's go on over to the Bbokari Bakery and Jisung. Over the past few months, the quokka has also sported a softer body compared to before, but was more noticeable. It doesn't come as a surprise though, he works at a bakery and had a sweet spot for pastries (especially cheesecake). Good thing Felix doesn't really care about whether some cookies end up missing, he knows it was the owner's best employee who ate it.

Speaking of the devil, Jisung arrived to work and the blonde Australian couldn't help but notice on how Hannie (Lix's nickname to him) had a cuter appearance, not to mention a small mound of fat settling on his belly.

"Hey, Hannie! You're early today.", Felix snorted as he patting the older's shoulder. "Remember, if I catch you hoarding another cheesecake box, I won't hesitate to tell Changbin hyung that you like him.", he threatened playfully while Jisung whined softly.

Felix then laughed at the reaction, playing with his best friend's hair. "Just playing with you, just be more discreet about it.", he teased. 

"Yeah yeah, let's get back to work now, Lix.", Jisung rolled his eyes playfully but his blushed cheeks said something else. 

"Ooh, you're in love!~", Felix said, receiving a slap on the arm from Jisung. "Stop it, I'm not!", the older responded defensively as a cream puff was shoved in Sung's mouth. 

"Nuh uh, don't lie to me! Remember that we don't keep secrets.", the head baker said, placing a hand on Jisung's lips before the older shut up and went back to work.

"Isn't it obvious to you now?", Jisung replied and heard a chuckle from Felix. "It is, just confirming."

"Well, you know my answer to that then.", the other responded and the two went back in preparing the bakery for opening.

And you could see that the two "online friends" were busy with their own jobs, but despite that, they still found time to talk with each other through voice calls and even chats. But one thing that they rarely did was a video call, due to Changbin's shyness of showing his face since the last time but he's planning to look past that.

Maybe today was the day that they could see each other on a screen without any awkward feelings? But it wouldn't still be the same as seeing each other in person, that was the closest option to choose from.

So after the broadcast was done and he was in a break with Seungmin, Changbin took the chance to message Jisung about what bothered him: his shyness.

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

== QUOKKA.SUNG (Active Now) ==

( Hey, Sungie! Can I ask you something? )  *SEND*

Seo.Binnie: Hey, Sungie! Can I ask you something?

Sent 12:16 pm

Seen 

Quokka.Sung is typing..

Quokka.Sung: Sure! You chatted right on time, actually. I'm on break.

Seo.Binnie: Well.. How do I say this? Do you want to..

                   video call?

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

Jisung just squealed at the message coming from Binnie, his Binnie. A video call? He would drop anything just to see this cutie's face. Okay, Jisung, you need to answer him or else he would think you are turning him down.

( Of course, handsome hyungie. Let me just start the call. )  = SEND =

Sent at 12:18 pm

Seen

Seo.Binnie: Hey, don't call me like that! >//< But go on.

Quokka.Sung: Haha, I'll still call you that, hyung! 

== Quokka.Sung wants you to join in a video call ==

[ACCEPT]   [DECLINE]

[ACCEPT]   [DECLINE]

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

The first thing that Jisung could see was Changbin's face before waving shyly towards the camera with blushed cheeks. "Oh my god, hello!", he said in a hushed but squealing voice that made the older laugh. Cute, he thought. 

"Hello, Sungie! It's been a while since we did a video chat.", the black-haired piped up with a small smile before the younger responed with his own sweet smile. "Yeah, you finally got over your shyness, huh? Congratulations!", Jisung clapped his hands as if it was something to celebrate (but it was!).

Changbin could only laugh as a response, shyly hiding his face before looking straight to the camera with an amused look. "Well, you could say that. But thank you! I wish I was like you at first though, not shy and very confident.", he retorted before the baker pouted softly at the older's words which slightly bloomed his heart but Jisung also felt bad.

"Hey, it's not easy though! At least you took a small step and I'm proud of you, that's what matters in life.", the quokka tried his best to reassure any doubt that the dark-haired expressed, and his efforts were recognized based on how Changbin was enthralled by the advice. "Wow.. I didn't know you would be the type giving advice, but thank you.", the other responded as his smile grew wider.

Jisung hummed happily before nodding his head, "Well, I experienced a lot so that's where I learned those pieces of advice.", he replied before asking a question about how was Changbin's day and work.

During the call, the two not only talked about their work but also about their lives in general. Not to mention the amount of baby pictures that Jisung showed to the camera, showing off how cute he was and that he used to live overseas somewhere as a kid. "So you used to live in Malaysia?", the older asked in astonishment.

"Yeah! It's been a while though.. Maybe when I have enough time, I could come back again, that's on my bucket list for sure!", Han smiled brightly before putting the pictures back into a secret little folder. "Hyung, you haven't even showed your baby pictures!", he pointed out before giggling softly, much to Changbin's shyness before he reluctantly gave in and sent an old picture through the chat.

"Well, I sent one through the chat but be warned. I looked like I had a bad hair day in that picture.", the older said before the brunette stifled a laugh and looked at the other boy in his screen as he took a double take, laughing even more as a result. "Whoa! This was you? You look so funny but cute at the same time!", Jisung added before Changbin was really embarrassed but not in a bad way, honestly! He was glad to get it out of his chest, plus he got called cute.

"You think so? Well.. Thank you!", the older said before hearing a ding noise and sighing. "Sorry, Sungie. But I have to get back to work now, see you later!", he winked.

"See you later, cutie.", Jisung said before the call ended. Then, the squirrel boy just squealed so loud that it can be heard from the other side of the kitchen and Felix ran to where the brunette was.

When the blonde boy saw that the older was giddy and squealing all around, his worried were dampened and all that he was feeling was amusement. "Han Jisung! What's happenin- Oh.. Oh~", he smirked before coyly clicking his tongue and looking at how blushy the quokka was. 

"Let me guess.. a cutie named Seo Changbin caught your heart again? What did you do now?", the Australian asked nonchalantly.

"We did a video call!", Han beamed softly.

"Ohh, I see~ You know what? I have something in mind.", Felix smirked even more in an almost evil voice.

"What is it?"

"Get the gifts, and Han, you write some love letters. We're gonna prove your love to this Binnie boy."

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

And as soon as you know it, Changbin did recieve gifts. Every single day. But it wasn't only shipped to his house but also to the office. What surprised him though was the love letters, they were really detailed and expressed true love based on the words. Plus, they were signed by the name "J.One".

This continued for a few weeks, let alone a few months, and the gifts would often contain food other than the usual cookies and pastries from a bakery. At least he was spoiled either way and left no crumbs every time that he was sent food, but it all settled in his tummy.

He put on more and more weight, giving way for a more imposing midsection and budding love handles. Not to mention his chest melting into B cup breasts, enough to squeeze it whole with just one hand and even his lower body plumping up.

Surprisingly, Changbin loved it and wouldn't trade it for nothing less. But shock washed through everywhere in his body which turned into amusement nevertheless.

And Jisung would always avoid the topic or really decline that it was his responsibility when it came to the gifts. Weird. 

But it was eventually all forgotten anyway. Plus, the feelings Changbin was having toward Jisung became more prominent and less ambiguous. And he slept better as long as he got a good night text and the weird dreams that the older experienced disappeared like it didn't even happen. 

There was one caveat though: how was he going to confess to this cute baker? A whole slew of methods came to mind, like a simple message through the chat or over the phone but today wasn't the time to think all of that.

Also, remember Seungmin? Well, he also tried his luck on this "online dating" thing and he took the day off because he's on a date! Guess who it was? Felix, the owner of Bbokari Bakery, how cute.

Okay, enough of them. You see that Changbin was left alone to engineer the audio as well as manage the mics being placed in the reporters' suits, it was a hell of a ride for the journalist assistant. But you see, he has been doing some interesting work lately!

He also tried his hands on reports! Oh yes, after months of hard work, he was promoted to be a news writer. That journalism degree wasn't that bad after all!

"I have to tell Jisung about this, he is going to be happy!", he giggled like a kid finally getting a lot of candy after a successful Halloween party and opened the app without hesitation, finding Jisung's profile.

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

== QUOKKA.SUNG (Active 2 minutes ago) ==

Seo.Binnie: Sungie, I have very good news!

Quokka.Sung: What is it?

Seo.Binnie: I got promoted, I'm a news writer now. The position I wanted for in the first place!

Quokka.Sung: Oh. My. GOD!! I'm so proud of you, hyung. You deserved it so much!

Seo.Binnie: I know! And thank you for.. basically everything. Your advice is the best, and I wouldn't even know how my life is happier if I didn't meet you on this dating app. 

Quokka.Sung: Whoa, getting sentimental now, huh? What's up, hyung? 

Seo.Binnie: Nothing, shush! It's rare that I write these kinds of long messages, dumbass. 

Quokka.Sung: Yeah yeah, I find it cute though. But I also have some news.

-- 

"I hope it is good news, but why so out of the blue?", Changbin raised an eyebrow, but he found Jisung's spontaniety suitable to his personality anyway. Then, a chat bubble appeared with three dots, signifying that the younger was already typing on what his good news was about.

Then, it suddenly hit him.

--

Quokka.Sung: I like you. More than a friend.

Changbin swore that his heart stopped for a full second after reading that message. Did Jisung just confess to him? "Is this.. a dream?", he said, blinking his eyes many times before looking at the message. It was clear. 

Will he respond back? Yes or no? What if this was a prank? The black-haired just stared at the screen and contemplated on what to do.

"You know what? Fuck it.", he muttered, typing out a reply.

--

Seo.Binnie: I like you too. I had feelings for you since a few weeks ago but I didn't know how to say it to you. 

Jisung was ECSTATIC. His crush returned his feelings! Good thing he was on his day off or he would be met by nudging shoulder thanks to Felix. 

Quokka.Sung: So, do you want to be.. my boyfriend?

                      Of course you don't have to say yes right away! We can take it slow as always. I know it can be a lot to process.

Seo.Binnie: Nope, it's fine! My feelings were just hidden from you, of course I want to be your boyfriend!

Quokka.Sung: Well, now I can call you mine then. 😉

Seo.Binnie: So flirty on the first day, huh? Cute, drop the act. I know you're blushing, Jisung. 

Quokka.Sung: Okay okay, fine! I was supposed to ask you out too.

Seo.Binnie: On a date? Sure! We can plan it right now.

【   ♡ (˘▽˘>ԅ( ˘⌣˘)   】

And that's where we now go back to the present! The new couple decided in having their first date in the bar, mostly due to Jisung wanting to get wasted but Changbin was surprisingly down for it. Plus, they were in for a night only with themselves, right?

Changbin was a bit nervous, fiddling with his fitted polo shirt while the pants were trying to hold on as the button was on the brink of popping, a result of his greedy escapades which became compounded with stress from not only working as an journalist assistant but also from the possibility of his date slash virtual boyfriend flipping out on how his profile was.. different from reality.

"I'm sure Jisung would understand this, right? I'll just say I did a little bit of stress eating.", the news writer talked to himself, clutching the bottom of his slightly hanging belly which was outline in the said polo shirt.

But little did he know that Jisung was facing the same predicament, he wasn't really alone. His pants were causing the problem this time, fearing that a seam would give out thanks to the quokka's thick thighs. "Agh, why don't these fit me?", he whined, giving the pants one final push before they finally gave way.

Then, the two were set to go on their first date. But this isn't any ordinary date, it's the first time they will see each other outside of the dating app and video calls.

Jisung sent a message that he was on his way to the bar, before Changbin replied that he too was going to the meetup place. But it was Changbin who arrived first because his home was closer to the bar anyway, so it wasn't much time for the older.

Then, the black-haired saw this cute boy with very squishable cheeks and the shinest smile. But his eyes were particularly gazing on the other's midsection that jiggled with almost every step and the thick thighs below.

But Changbin's imagination stopped on its tracks because he heard a voice, "Are you.. Changbin?", he mumbled with slightly blushed cheeks.

"Yeah, that's me. Who- Jisung?!", the news writer gasped before looking at his boyfriend up and down. "It's your Sungie!", he grinned before chuckling softly before commenting that he looks cuter than suggested in the dating app picture.

Changbin just laughed and kissed Jisung in the lips, before doing it over and over again in an excited manner. "Well, I could say the same to you, baby. How has it been? A year since we first met online, and we're going to do something special.", he added before pulling the quokka into a tender hug.

"Exhausting lately, the bakery has been busier all day. But at least I have you to talk to and now, we finally saw each other.", Jisung smiled before playing with his lover's hair. "Now, let's get inside. I know you're really hungry.", he teased, patting the older's belly before the two went inside the bar together.

And their date started really well. The two lovers ended up ordering a lot of food, and I mean, A LOT. That could explain the growing appetite and waistlines but neither one of them seemed to bat an eye, plus Changbin loved big boys from the start (wasn't specific but it still holds some truth!)

Then, they talked about the current status of their jobs with the older expressing his intentions to work from home because not only how tiring it was to walk lately but he thought it was easier to write news in the comfort of his home. 

The topics they talked about varied, from about their past and how Jisung was one of the "bad boys" in college to their friends, Seungmin and Felix dating each other.

"I wouldn't imagine you as a jock to be honest, but maybe I could see it!", Changbin laughed before being shown some college pics from the baker. "Ohhhh. Okay okay, now I can see it clearly.", he added before they both laughed.

It was a good time nonetheless, and as they were munching on their food, Jisung had a brilliant idea. "Hyung, wanna get wastedd?~", he smirked softly before it was reluctantly turned down, but the younger insisted. "Come on, just some shots wouldn't hurt!"

"Fine, but after we finish the food.", Changbin replied and Jisung cheered in response.

After a few minutes, the food was completely gone with the two feeding each other and no crumbs were left to be seen as it was evident that the couple was really hungry and now they were really full. Jisung decided to order a bottle of soju before he excused himself to the bathroom and Changbin gave him the go-ahead.

Suddenly, the older was offered a drink and he presumed to be the soju that the younger ordered but it was a single shot just for him. He said thanks to the waiter before looking at the shot in front of him, but his gut has a bad feeling. But Jisung still isn't around.

Should he drink it?

[donnerpartyofone]

Many contentious, annoying things are happening this morning, so I am choosing to focus only on the piece of clickbait I'm seeing every 4 or 5 posts that just straight up says Keanu Reeves is dead. They didn't even go with the bait & switch of "Celebrities We Lost This Year" plus a random picture of someone like Chris Pratt who is definitely alive just to force the click, they're directly referring to Keanu by name as being deceased--and then there's this peculiarly nasty byline that goes "Hollywood favors couldn't save him from a tragic fate" as if universally beloved icon Keanu Reeves were previously only alive unfairly because of sleazy backdoor rich guy deals and and now we can all be smugly satisfied that he met with the Great Equalizer like a regular jagoff. Like that's the Keanu Reeves story, that's how we all feel about him.

Spam, phishing, and the like fascinate me because it seems like in the majority of cases it's always incredibly primitive and hasn't evolved at all in the decades since the internet became popularly accessible. In this case, the Keanu Reeves death announcement appears to be sponsored by a made-up textile store, and links to a website called Debut Allbum (sic). And like I know the point of clickbait is to force you to look at ads, but the really criminal forms of spam that are straight up larceny are also this stupid. I love that screenshot going around of a threatening text message somebody received from "The IRS" demanding they pay their back taxes by navigating to Caliente Burrito dot com or something. They're all like that, it's like they're not even remotely trying. It feels like they all use some program that dynamically generates Random Threat/Promise + Random Link Text, and not one single person in the entire process has ever said "Maybe the message and the link should appear to be related? Maybe more people will fall for our scary message about their auto insurance if it doesn't come from celebrity.nudes-113agJFd89@gmail.com?"

I have a burning desire for a documentary about these kinds of bottomfeeder internet scams. I'm dying to hear from the people who operate them. It seems obvious that the scams don't cost much to run, but do they really turn such a big profit that it would be a waste of resources to try to improve them, to make them even slightly more convincing than not-at-all? Or is it that the people who run these things are really, genuinely as stupid as they seem according to the typo-riddled emails I get insisting that I need to pay the United States Postal Service to reroute my withheld mail by entering my bank information at McDonald's Gift Card dot com? It's funny to think that whoever creates this stuff has enough technical knowledge to execute on it, but not the intelligence necessary to stop the resulting spam from just being word salad. Who are these people?

Of course the inevitable next question is, how are they able to get away with it? The whole situation is so paradoxical. It's like, you have a criminal who is dumb enough to create/pay for the creation of spam that is just a bunch of surreal nonsense, but who is using technology/services sophisticated enough to evade detection and prosecution. And/or our law enforcement machinery is too far behind or too stupid itself to catch even the dumbest crook. It's crazy how we live in the future with all these scientific advantages and an ever-escalating speed of information transmission, yet it feels like nothing about the basic issue human being has changed, and we're all just a bunch of neanderthals trying to navigate a world that is increasingly out of scale for us.

[missmentelle]

What is reactive abuse?

“Reactive abuse” occurs when the victim of abuse lashes out at their abuser - by striking back at them, screaming, swearing at them, insulting them or even throwing something at them - in response to the abuse that they are experiencing. This is actually an extremely common behaviour in domestic violence victims, and it’s one of the most important tools an abuser has for convincing other people that the victim is the real abuser in the relationship, and that the abuser is actually the one being abused. 

Consider these scenarios:

Scenario 1: Sam is abusive to his partner, Erin. He constantly criticizes and belittles her, although he never raises his voice and always does so in a calm, matter-of-fact way. He tells her that her clothes are too revealing for her, and that she should go put on some baggy clothes until she’s lost some weight. He comments on everything she eats and asks if she “really needs” to be eating it. He compares her to his friends’ wives and asks why she can’t look like them. He talks down to her like she’s stupid, and criticizes her cooking, her cleaning, her spending, and her appearance. After weeks of relentless criticism, Erin snaps - she screams at Sam to fuck off and leave her alone, and locks herself in her room. 

Scenario 2: John is abusive to his partner, Raj. John likes to physically intimidate Raj by looming over him, backing him into corners, standing in doorways to prevent him from leaving, and punching holes in walls and smashing things when he gets angry. One day, during an argument, John grabs Raj by the arm and starts screaming in his face. Raj tells John to let go of him, but John ignores him and instructs Raj to “look at me when I’m talking to you”. Desperate to get away, Raj shoves John in the chest as hard as he can, and John falls backwards. 

In these scenarios, Erin and Raj are the ones lashing out... but they are also the victims in these situations, and not the perpetrators. These are examples of reactive abuse; they are lashing out because they are under extreme stress from being constantly abused, not because they are abusive themselves. If they were in a non-abusive relationship, they wouldn’t scream or shove their partners - it’s the abuse itself that is driving them to behave that way. 

Once a victim begins to display reactive abuse, the abuser will almost always use it against them. The abuser will constantly bring up the reactive abuse, presenting it as evidence that the victim is unstable and irrational, and that they themselves are actually the victim of their partner’s totally unpredictable behaviours and moods. Sam, for instance, can use Erin’s outburst as “proof” that she’s the abusive one in the relationship - when he talks about the incident, he can say “I was just trying to have a calm, rational conversation with her and she started screaming at me out of the blue. I tried to calm her down but she just wouldn’t listen - she told me to fuck off and then locked me out of our bedroom for hours. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her, anything can set her off”. 

Bringing up reactive abuse is a way for the abuser to win the sympathy of friends and family, turn people against the victim, and leave the victim even more isolated. They can even convince professionals that the victim is the abusive one, and use that as a weapon against the victim - if Sam goes to a therapist and gives a biased account of Erin’s “totally irrational” screaming fit, it’s very likely that the therapist will take his side and tell him what he wants to hear. Then he can truthfully come home and tell Erin that his therapist thinks she’s toxic and abusive, and that Sam shouldn’t have to put up with her. 

Eventually, constantly being told that you’re the abusive one - with several real-life examples listed as evidence - will probably start to convince you that you really are the abusive one in the relationship, even if you are genuinely the victim. Raj, for instance, has now actually hit his partner - that’s a line that John has never crossed, even through John is the physically abusive partner and Raj is the victim. It’s going to be very easy for John to use that against Raj, and convince Raj that he’s the real abuser, especially since Raj’s self-esteem is probably already poor from being in an abusive relationship. Once Raj starts to believe that maybe he really is the abusive one after all, it’s going to be much easier for John to control him, and it’ll be much harder for him to escape the relationship - he’ll no longer feel like he “deserves” or qualifies for help from domestic violence agencies, he’ll be inclined to blame himself for the issues in the relationship, and he may even start to feel like he should be grateful to John for staying with him and “trying to help him”. 

Some other important things to know about reactive abuse:

Reactive abuse is NOT mutual abuse. “Mutual abuse” is the term for a relationship where both people are abusers going into it, and both people abuse each other equally and are equally to blame for the abuse in the relationship. That’s not what this is. For one thing, mutual abuse is extremely rare, to the point that experts aren’t totally convinced that it exists - abuse requires a power dynamic where one person tries to assume control over the other, and that power dynamic just doesn’t work both ways. A person who commits reactive abuse is not an abuser - they are a person under extreme stress, and they stop reacting that way as soon as they are out of the abusive relationship. A genuine abuser shows the same pattern of abusive behaviour in all of their relationships, over and over again. 

Almost everyone will commit reactive abuse in certain circumstances. If you kick a dog enough times, the dog will eventually bite you. Some will bite you quicker, some will take longer to bite you, but they will all bite you at some point. Being under extreme stress changes a person - when you live with that kind of abuse day in and day out, the strain of it will eventually start to affect you in profound ways, and cause you to lash out and doing things you would never do otherwise. There’s nothing you can really do to cope with that kind of abuse in a healthy way while it’s still happening- the only way to recover is to leave. Many survivors of domestic abuse say that they barely recognized themselves near the end of the relationship, and did not know the person that they became after years of enduring abuse. 

People who have committed reactive abuse are not abusers. A person who has committed reactive abuse under extreme circumstances is not a danger to their future partners. Again, pretty much everyone will commit reactive abuse if they are pushed to the brink by months or years of relentless abuse - when someone is no longer being subjected to that abuse, they no longer have a reason to lash out. The fact that you’ll throw a punch while you’re being attacked by a coyote does not mean that you are likely to go home and punch your pets; the fact that you will commit violence in one very extreme and dangerous circumstance does not mean that you will commit violence in normal circumstances. 

Reactive abuse is one of the reasons why regular therapy is not recommended for abusers. When abusers learn more about abuse and boundaries in regular therapy, they don’t recognize their own abusive tendencies - they just get better at accusing their victims of being the real abusers. They are uniquely skilled at weaponizing therapy and therapy language to convince the people around them that their partner is irrational and that they, the abuser, are actually the long-suffering victim. An abuser who is actually serious about getting help needs to do so from a specialized abuser program - they need a professional who is knowledgeable about reactive abuse and will say “hmmmm, but what were you saying to Erin BEFORE she yelled at you? I don’t think you’re the victim here.”

As always, if you suspect that you may be in an abusive relationship, it’s important to seek help - there is help available to you, even in the midst of a pandemic. Call your local domestic violence hotline, contact a local domestic violence agency, or call 211 in Canada or the USA to learn about local options in your area.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[just-rogi]

I’m thissss close to snapping and making a full on Sarah Z style hour long YouTube video on the fall of superwholock and why doctor who holds up when SPN and Sherlock did not. Spoilers: you could tell from the in universe representation of the fans with SPN and Sherlock adding fangirl insert characters shown to be stupid obsessive queer and crazy whereas the doctor who fan insert -osgood- was a hero who represented what it means to be human. Supernatural made fun of destiel shippers IN THE SHOW Sherlock called fans who speculated about Reichenbach Fall stupid and crazy (both shows making fun of the fans for being queer as well) where as osgood is nerdy, excitable, socially awkward and above all else, kind. Osgood is offered a position as a full time companion and she says she wants to go more than anything but she has to stay here, defend the earth, to which the doctor replies “by the way, I’m a huge fan” THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THE TREATMENT OF FANS BY THE SHOW!! Doctor who the show and the doctor the character love the curious unique individuals who are interested in the adventures of a madman with a box who choses to help people and believes all life is special. Between Johnlock, Reichenbach, Destiel, Charlie, the musical episode, and the destiel confession supernatural and Sherlock have showed time and time again that they actively hate their audience (if you were around for the final episode of Sherlock you remember how bad it was for fans and i don’t need to remind anyone of “all gays go to hell all cars go to heaven” )

Something also has to be said for the fact that doctor who is the only show of the three without a huge decade long queer baiting (ok the whole Clara thing is on thin ice I’ll be honest but they fixed that with bill in season 10) scandal that ends in blatant homophobia (note it’s not homophobic BECAUSE destiel or johnlock didn’t end up together, it’s homophobic because of the years of intentional queer baiting that predates the end of each program) when your fan base is predominantly queer this is not advisable.

And of course this doesnt take into account the massive change that happened after dashcon, doctor who had an established 50 year history by that point and solid writing so while it fell from its godlike position on tumblr it was still relatively popular after that cultural shift. Also- and this may be controversial - the writing in doctor who is better. I’m sorry but it is. Rewatching some of the 2010-2015 episodes I’m reminded that when doctor who is good, it’s GOOD. The oncoming storm speech. The 9th doctor and the dalek prisoner, “I would never” , a good man goes to war, “the laws of time obey me” , the fucking 50th war doctor speeches, the zygon inversion speech, “the one thing you never put in a trap… me”, all of hell bent, and of course the Van Gogh episode. Honestly on writing alone doctor who absolutely bodies Sherlock and supernatural which is shocking because moffat wrote for Sherlock as well but it never felt as powerful it always felt very clever but once you knew the answer to whatever mystery Sherlock was solving the intrigue just faded. Whereas the more you watch episodes like Vincent and the Doctor, the Day of the Doctor, or Hell Bent, the more you fall in love with the writing.

I could go on and on and on for ages about writing, character relatability , overarching themes and morals, the unique mechanic of regeneration, the doctor companion dynamic, and the question of “are humans inherently good or evil” and so many more nuanced reasons as to why doctor who stands the test of time (pun only slightly intended) but I will not that is too long and I am tired but know that I could if I wanted because the evidence is there

Tldr: doctor who isn’t bad you guys are just mean

[codenamesazanka]

Unpopular opinion meme time. Kurogiri is not any kind of father figure to Shigaraki Tomura, The idea that he was secretly struggling against his conditioning by hugging Shigaraki and being kind to him every time All For One turned around. is pure fanon. Self-indulgent fanon, at that.

Somewhat depends on the definition of 'father figure', since no one in fandom knows what that means anymore, but otherwise, yes. Kurogiri was Shigaraki's babysitter and I don't doubt he cared for Tomura, but being a substitute dad? Nah.

Even considering in the whole 'reprogrammed Noumu' thing, fact is that Kurogiri's first loyalty is to All For One. He reports to All For One and obeys his commands regarding Shigaraki Tomura.

Maybe one can argue this happened so early in the series that maybe the characterization haven't been established firmly yet, but we see at the end of the first arc where Shigaraki and Kurogiri shows up, in Chapter 21, that Kurogiri lets Shigaraki bleed on the floor to answer AFO and the Doctor's questions.

Later, we see that Kurogiri and AFO hold private conversations about what to do about Shigaraki, and while Kurogiri does say he will find Gigantomachia "all for your (Shigaraki Tomura) sake", it's because AFO told him to do so. And Kurogiri's next words to Gran Torino says a lot too:

"Tomura Shigaraki wasn't the only one he molded." Other translation could be 'raised', 'trained', 'grew'; but in context with the next line "Meet another one of AFO's loyal servants," it speaks to Kurogiri's awareness that Shigaraki is another pet project, another cultivated weapon. A valuable one that Kurogiri faithfully takes care of as possible successor, but Kurogiri knows ultimately they all belong to AFO.

So yeah! I agree that Kurogiri fighting his programming to love Shigaraki Tomura is kinda... wishful fanon. Again, it's not that I don't think Kurogiri holds no genuine feelings for Shigaraki Tomura, but it's definitely not to the levels of Dad!giri.

Plus, over on Shigaraki's end too, his attitude towards Kurogiri is rather harsh, even if as Toga and Twice points out, he misses mist man. Definitely ruder than he ever was towards AFO or the Doctor, and his go-to insult for Kurogiri is 'stupid'. We don't know for sure, but I personally think this means Shigaraki knows Kurogiri is a Noumu - just a very smart one. Maybe he has reservations over that. (My personal headcanon is that Shigaraki treats Kurogiri like an AI.)

In canon, it seems like their power dynamic is also one that's muddled and I wish that was explored more. Shigaraki Tomura can order Kurogiri around as his personal assistant and he treats him as such, and Kurogiri obeys; but Kurogiri is also Tomura's watcher for both of their master AFO. There's a divide between them and I think it's a pity to ignore that in favor of "Give Shigaraki Generic Adoring Father Figure".

Thanks for the ask! Hope you have a good day!

[sunjaesol]

My BFB is the one for me!

juke | human!au + brother!reggie | title from BFB // victorious

If someone had to ask her who the one constant in her life was, she would have to say Luke Patterson. Which was depressing, cause the guy went through life pretending to be a 90s heartthrob and, even worse, that list didn't even include her own mother. 

Julie met Luke when she was five and he was six. Her brother Reggie befriended him on the first day of school and the rest was history. "Soul-brothers" they called themselves, which would be cute if they weren't so obnoxious together. Separate, they were somewhat manageable. Put those two in the same room? Chaos would ensue. 

He was there for it all. Weekly play dates, birthdays, the occasional holiday, her mom's funeral, band rehearsals. And when Luke had a month-long falling out with his parents, he stayed with them. 

Realistically, that should make him seem like a brother to Julie. But neither Carlos or Reggie were as infuriating as Luke was! With the stupid band tees and the stupid smile and the stupid, relentless teasing he lovingly bestowed upon her. She lost count how many times he "poisoned" her soda with salt or woke her with a heart attack by playing his electric guitar. At least she had some grip on her brothers, being their only sister, but Luke… 

Luke and her had this interesting, little relationship that she couldn't quite put her finger on and it unnerved her. Like it was an itch she couldn't scratch. (Or maybe he was just an annoying mosquito buzzing around her and should leave her the fuck alone. Probably.)

Hopping down the stairs for her midnight snack, it was no surprise to her to find the idiot gaping into the fridge like a goon. With a nudge of the hip, she pushed him aside. 

'Hey!' 

'Either pick something or save power,' she retorted, grabbing a bowl of grapes. 

He snorted. 'I don't think my indecisiveness is gonna kill the planet.'

She shot him a look, an amused smile tugging on her lips. 'You wanna say that in the cute face of a polar bear?' 

Luke stared at her for a beat, a smile crawling on his own face and shaking his head with a chuckle. The fridge fell shut with the pride of a won argument swelling in her chest. 

'So why're you still up?', he asked as she flitted around him for the bread and peanut butter. Maybe she could sneak up a butterscotch cookie too - her dad won't notice one missing, right? 

Unscrewing the lid, she sighed. 'Mendoza's class is murdering me. I really don't get why we need to learn calculus. We're an arts school, not like any of us are going to use formulas on the set of a movie.'

When she passed him to get the orange juice from the fridge, he took hold of the jar, sliding it between his hands thoughtfully. 

'Just don't overthink it,' he shrugged. 

She rolled her eyes. 'Easy for you, obviously.'

His mouth fell slack, offended, as Julie put the bottle on the island with mirth glimmering in her expression. After years of sparring with Luke, she knew how to press his buttons and took great joy in doing so. 

Suddenly leaning into her personal bubble, he sputtered. 'Are you… calling me dumb?' 

Her hand pushed his face back with a scoff. 'Don't breathe on me. All I'm saying is that you look like you have elevator music playing up there 24/7.'

When she went to grab the jar from his hand, he moved it away. 

'Uh, I think you're mistaking me for your brother.'

'No-' Tried again, moved away. '-I don't think I do.'

'You do.'

She crossed her arms, resolute. 'He's part of the gifted program.'

It unfazed him. 'Yeah. And it means shit.'

She held her palm up, exasperated. 'Just give me the peanut butter, Luke.'

Raising it over his head with an infuriating smirk, the other tugged on a curl. 'No.'

Gah! He was so dead! Did he forget she lived with three men in this house?!

Without a second of hesitation, Julie barrelled into him and jumped to catch it. Luke snatched her wrist before she could with a laugh, a hitched puff coming right after as her elbow jabbed his ribs. 

He set the jar down at lightning speed and grabbed her other wrist. Both their arms were outstretched as her foot kicked his calf, hard. When he yelped, her left hand loosened and dove for the jar. Right as her fingertips grazed the glass, a strong arm snaked around her waist and pulled her back. An "oof!" left her lips, the breath kicked out of her lungs. 

Luke guffawed in her ear victoriously, whooping the house together. Curse words rolled off her tongue as she repeatedly slapped his forearm to let go. She felt embarrassingly small with her feet hovering above the floor and this power dynamic was not doing it for her confidence. 

'The fuck are you doing?' 

Julie smacked to the floor before the last words were uttered, a flabbergasted Reggie staring at the pair. 

Luke stammered. 'Uh…' 

'Your bestie held the peanut butter hostage,' Julie replied sardonically. 'Did dad wake up?' 

He shook his head, a peculiar expression fixed on Luke. Her gaze shot between the two. Were they having… a silent conversation? With the way their brows quirked an lips twitched, it seemed like some "bro-talk" Julie wouldn't even like to understand. 

'Don't break your head too much over Mendoza, okay?' Reggie added, smiling at her this time. 'Just relax.'

She sighed. Relax. Because the fear of failure got eradicated with the snap of a finger if she just relaxed. 'Yeah. Sure.'

The boys finally left, silence descended, and Julie made her sandwich. For some reason, the quietude made her uncomfortable. 

***

Though Luke was annoying at times, the band he was in - Sunset Curve - definitely wasn't. Reggie, Alex and Luke created it when they were thirteen and overzealous. Reggie and Luke met Alex the same year and bullied him into a friendship, all bonding over cliché lyrics and overused chord progressions. They quickly got better though, earning a small following and a hopeful future in the LA scene. Julie was very proud of her brother. All those hours practicing the bass until his fingers bled was finally paying off with each new gig they rocked. 

And as the Molina's were raised to appreciate good music, Julie often found herself sprawled on the leather couch as they rehearsed. Reggie used to hate it, saying she was being "sticky" and "distracting", but eventually found her useful whenever they needed someone to bounce ideas with. She has co-written many of their songs. It was then that Luke was the least annoying, when he was so entranced and passionate about music that he had no time to pester her. 

(If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that song-writing with Luke was when she felt like herself the most, enjoyed life the most. But Luke was stupid and she definitely didn't feel a vibe when they wrote, so honesty was obsolete.)

'Or else you'll get,' Luke growled in the mic, music crashing together in their signature punk-rock sound. 'Crooked teeth!' 

They shot into an electrifying interlude. Alex headbanging the sweat of his forehead from his fast-paced drumming, Reggie bouncing in his heels as he heightened the bassline and Luke… was being Luke. Julie looked up from her laptop as his strumming came closer, that signature grin fixed on her as his fingers expertly glided across the neck. Her typing paused, amused. 

Why was he so adamant about "impressing" her with a riff? He knew she liked their music (and has caught her looking at his hands… ugh, fourteen year old Julie had bad judgement), he didn't have to prove himself or something. 

She smiled. 'You're going to miss your cue, idiot!' 

Ignoring her exclaim, he bobbed his head to the melody and wiggled his brows. Her eyes drifted to Alex, the blonde staring at Reggie and Reggie staring at the back of Luke's head. This has been happening a lot, Julie realised. There was this weird energy whenever they were all in the same room. For a bit, she thought it was her that was the problem, but if she was, Reggie would've told her by now. 

Now Luke was really in her face, pushing her laptop shut with his knee and making those stupid expressions he pulled whenever Grace talked to him in the hallway. Never one to back down, Julie abruptly stood up and pushed him back with a challenging smirk. The boy was seventeen; he was in serious trouble if he lacked the spatial awareness and common sense. 

‘Sing with us?!’, he pleaded over the crash of the cymbal. Behind him, Alex’ brows went so far up it disappeared into his snapback. A nervous tug knotted in her stomach at his request, like she was afraid to disappoint him, and shook her head. Keeping up the attitude she nodded at the laptop he so valiantly closed for her. 

Pulling it against her chest, she pointed at his bandmates. ‘Go sing about some fucked up teeth more!’

‘Crooked teeth!’, they all yelled in annoyance. Proud to have executed her role an irritating, little sister, she hopped out the studio. If she felt someone’s gaze burning in her back, she must’ve imagined it.  

***

There was something to be said about Grace and Luke. Though it wasn’t Julie’s business (or anyone’s, for that matter), the coupling has always intrigued her. Or lack of coupling, really. Every few months they’d find themselves at each other’s lockers flirting up a storm for everyone to see to then ghost each other again. This vicious cycle has been on loop since sophomore year. Julie felt bad for Grace, the pretty senior girl deserved far better than Luke. 

Last night, Julie couldn’t sleep. “Crooked Teeth” was blaring in her mind and haunted her dreams (and Luke’s stupid face) until she woke up in a sweat. Something was off. Like solving a math question and knowing the result is wrong but unsure where it all went wrong. Around four in the morning, it hit her. The bridge! It was all jumbled and clunky and she had far better ideas on how to craft it! She sat at her keyboard until seven in the morning, only to stop when a frustrated Carlos barged in, threw a pillow at her and yelled to “zip it!” Reggie and dad, naturally, slept through all of it. 

Now, a sleep-deprived, caffeinated and kind of manic Julie was bustling through the hallways trying (and failing) to find Luke. Sure, they butted heads a lot, but music has always been the glue. Temporary glue, but the fact remained that she and Luke were cut from the same cloth when it came to composition and lyrical prowess. (Not that she’d ever admit that. Ew. His ego was large enough as is.) 

And then she saw him. At Grace’s locker. Her breath lodged in her throat at the sight. It shouldn’t. God, it truly shouldn’t. But it did. Because Grace was pretty and Luke had one of those faces and they looked good together and it annoyed the fuck out of her. Like, who decided who went through puberty better. Julie knew she wasn’t unattractive, but she wasn’t Grace either. Tall and lithe and glossy black hair and a perfect nose. The ugly, green monster in the back of her head snarled about how her personality was probably off-putting, though Julie knew that to be untrue. Grace was, well, graceful. Genuinely kind. Gah! Since when did Julie hate on other girls? Pushing the voice down, she mustered back the previous excitement (the! bridge!) and paraded towards the pair. Luke saw her before Grace did.       

She rushed the last few steps and hastily grabbed the papers from the side pocket of her backpack. 'Luke! Hi, Grace. Okay, I know "Crooked Teeth" is finished, but I couldn't stop thinking about it and I had this amazing idea for the bridge.'

When he didn't react for a beat, stunned by her giddy attitude, her smile mellowed awkwardly. 'I mean… it's your song. You don't have to-' 

'No!', he shouted, frantic. Her brows raised in surprise. 'No, uh-' His hand flew to the back of his head, raking the ends of his hair. 'Yeah. D'you wanna go to the music room? To show me?'

Julie’s eyes flitted to a confused Grace. ‘Um…’

Luke caught on and shot the girl an easy grin. ‘Talk to you later, yeah?’ 

She shrugged. ‘I guess?’

Before she could say anything more, Luke snatched Julie by the wrist and dragged her to the nearest, open music room. The arts school was littered with them, though most had a reserved schedule. Luckily, one was empty. 

‘Okay,’ she said, tucking her hair behind her ears as she slid down in front of the piano. Luke sat next to her, expectant. ‘The bridge right now? It’s fine, but it’s not “wow”, you know? I was thinking about how the verses and chorus sound so visceral and loud, so the bridge should have something guttural. Like, primal. That’s a weird word to use, but, I don’t know, have it sound dangerous? Like - why’re you looking at me like that?’

A strange expression was plastered on Luke’s face. A half-grin and wide eyes, like he was scared he’d miss something, like he’d blink and she’d disappear. In other words: he looked insane. Then again, her exhaustion mustn’t look too appealing either. 

He shook his head, that smile falling away for something more timid. All the bravado he oozed while talking to Grace just moments before, was gone for shy eyes and fingers gripping the chain around his jeans. 

‘Nothing.’ He nudged her. ‘You kinda ambushed me here, Molina.’

Her words stuttered out. ‘I- I was just-’ Zeroing back on the keys with a frown, she said: ‘I’ll just play you the bridge.’

As she did, her mind was elsewhere. This wasn’t weird, right? They’ve done this before. Collaborated, gone to music rooms to bounce ideas back and forth, played until dusk. She knew it wasn’t weird. It was always just a matter of time before the next “ambush” came, as he put it. Soon, he’d barge into her room with half a melody and forced her to finish it. This was normal.

Then why did her skin ripple with anticipation from his intense gaze directed on her temple? 

When she finished, she kept her eyes on the keys. Suddenly, his hand appeared in her vision and softly patted her knuckles, urging her to look at him anyway. He had that strange look again, the sight letting the most peculiar feeling rush through her veins.   

Luke smiled. ‘I like it.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Wanna play it for the boys during next rehearsal?’ His brows raised with hope, head leaning her way as if he wasn’t already close enough. And he wasn’t close enough. 

Julie went on autopilot at this point, too enthralled by her emotions running wild. ‘Yeah.’ It came out breathy and foolish and if she had half a brain cell right now, she’d kick herself in the face for how dumb she sounded.  

His hand squeezed hers and then let go, that smile turning nervous. Oh God, did he notice how weird she abruptly got? ‘Cool. Sweet. Perfect. Your- this was perfect. I’ll see you, uh, -’

‘Yeah,’ she squeaked. ‘Whenever.’

When he left the room in a hurry, her face planted itself on the keys and erupted a harsh sound. Fitting, she believed. Her mind was a mess too. 

***

Then stuff began piling on and each time it did, Julie’s heart fluttered like the traitorous bitch it was. 

Like when Luke told her to tell calculus to “bite her” as a joke, but then she actually did during a test and somehow didn’t get a black out. She knew it was likely just a placebo, but the grin she earned later on when she showed him the B+ and he gave her the tightest hug was worth the pseudo-science. 

Or he found her in the hallway whenever they both had a free period and casual small talk turned to slamming each other into lockers or, more recently, pulled her outside to get boba from the place right across the street. Their boba hangouts were probably the strangest development of all, but it was… nice. Pleasant. If she ever secretly thought it was a date, then it must’ve been a sun stroke hitting her. 

Or she’d be doing her homework and he’d waltz into her room (because he was always at their house and that never changed) and randomly help her with a task or question. It was small and it usually slowed her down, but she hasn’t had the guts to turn him away either. She blamed his stupid smile. 

Or just yesterday they were all in the kitchen and she was peering over Reggie’s shoulder as he tried and failed to properly text his crush Kayla, when she said: 

‘Isn’t that weird? That you’re talking to a junior?’

Luke, who was looking over his other shoulder, scoffed. ‘Why would that be weird?’

Pointing at the emoji he should be using (the purple heart - duh!), she shrugged. ‘I don’t know. You just don’t see a lot of people date outside of their year. It’s, like, an unspoken rule.’

Reggie pouted. ‘Not helping, Jules.’

‘I am! Use the purple heart!’

Luke snorted. ‘Please, if you were asked out by some senior boy, you’d say no?’

The Molina’s looked up from the phone to shoot him a weird look. The boy shrunk under their stare, fingers nervously drumming island. 

Caution tinged her voice. ‘I don’t know… should I?’

The boys stared at each other for a beat. That “bro-talk” again, Julie presumed with a roll of the eye. Typical.

‘Yes,’ Luke trailed, unsure. ‘You should say no.’

A ball of disappointment dropped to the pit of her stomach at his words - hard. Oh. So he didn’t mean himself then. Julie froze. Why would she even want that? She was not returning to her fourteen year old self that gawked at Luke like an idiot. Nope. Not happening. Just because she felt flushed and ecstatic every Wednesday afternoon when they schedules lined up, that didn’t mean her crush has resurfaced. Totally. 

But then something even more maddening happened. It was Thursday afternoon, right before lunch, when Nick approached her by her locker. She’d been fervently texting a sick Flynn to get better when he started asking about dance class and how on earth he was supposed to master a calypso by Monday next week. He was clearly stressed and Julie gave him a hug. Just as she was going to offer her help (or redirect him to Kayla, as she was an actual dance goddess), a familiar arm draped around her shoulder and pulled her back. 

Julie was fuming. Luke decided to start acting like some jovial prick as he intimidated Nick with all these terror stories about his own dance assignments from last year and that “a calypso was just the beginning.” The poor guy was practically passed out from anxiety by the time his spiel was over. She couldn’t even yell an apology as he sped off and spun around the corner at lightning speed.        

The arm fell away, Luke stared at her ridden with guilt, muttered some half-assed “sorry” and rushed off in the opposite direction. A baffled, angry Julie was left standing there. 

If Luke thought he could be some white knight, he was dead wrong. 

***

She got lucky. Reggie mentioned beforehand Luke was coming over and knew that he, inevitably, would ascend the stairs. A pent-up Julie paced in her room, feeling that fever pitch come to a boiling point. Argh! Why was he so… infuriating?! (And attractive?! And charismatic?! Argh!) 

Then she heard it. His tentative steps up the steps. Like he knew. The fact that she was seemingly predictable left her cold this time, slamming her door open at just the right moment to snatch his wrist and roughly yank him inside. 

Before he could react, she yelled: 'What the hell, Luke?! Why did you do that?' 

Luke was a stammering, embarrassed mess. Good. 'Uh- I- I-' 

'You can't just act all overprotective or possessive like that! What's your problem with Nick? He's super nice and, you know, my friend. I already have two brothers, I don’t need one more!’

'I-'

'You don't get to decide who I talk with! Or save me or whatever fantasy you were living in! And-!' 

'I like you, Jules,' he blurted. 

Julie was blazing though. 'So? That doesn't mean that-' Until the words dried on her tongue, stunned. All else she had prepared to say flew out the window. The constant fluttering in her heart hitched. Did she… hear him correctly? 'W-what?' 

A beat went by, like he couldn’t believe he actually said that, but then word vomit spewed out. 'I- I like you? Like, on and off since I was eleven and I tried to not like you - I really tried - but you're just incredible and pretty and an amazing singer and you keep doing that thing with your lips when you have a thought and it's been killing me seeing Nick shoot his shot and-' 

Julie dove forward and pressed a kiss on his rambling mouth. Stretched on her tippy toes, she saw him freeze and stare at her in wonder. Slowly, her poor heart began to beat again, fast and fond and for him and oh my God, what was happening? 

'Did you just-', he croaked. 

Shit. Should she have asked to kiss him first? Her hands didn't leave his shoulders, alarmed. 'Uh… you just kept talking and-' She swallowed back her nerves and mustered a smile. 'If you wanted to be my boyfriend, you could've just asked.'

Luke blinked, completely in awe by her words. 'What?' 

Alright. Time to take life by the balls, Molina. 

'You didn't think I might like you back?' 

An incredulous laugh puffed from his lips, looking from her hands on his shoulders and then grabbed onto her waist. Jitters burst in her stomach at the sudden touch. This was actually happening. Holy shit. But God, how could she deny that bright smile and his warm smile and that giddy feeling that rippled her skin each time they hung out? 

'Can we try that again?', he breathed. 

His grin captured hers before she could fully nod, his hands slipping to her lower back and jaw without hesitation. Her arms slung around his neck, finally getting a feel for his soft locks of hair. Heat grew from her chest to her toes, curling from bliss. She felt deliciously empty and full of glee all at once. 

Her back fell against the door with a giggle. Just as he went back in, she pressed a finger on his lips. 

'Still doesn't make it right what you did.' 

'Yeah.' He kissed her again. 'Sorry.'

She tried saying more, but each word was muffled by another warm kiss of his intoxicating lips and all she could do was melt against him. The odd lyric that “heaven was his lips and larger than paradise” passed her by, hopefully reminding her of its existence in an hour or two. 

His fingers slipped under her shirt and dug into her heated skin. They became lazier, the kisses open-mouthed and smiling and already so amazing at first try. Julie has kissed a handful of boys before, but this? Unmatched. 

Two sudden knocks against wood. ‘Julie?’

They froze, Julie slapping a hand over his mouth to stifle his inevitable snicker. 

‘Have you seen Luke?’, Reggie continued, confusion lacing his voice. 

‘No!’, her voice squeaked, still affected by their make-out. Cringing, she tried to level it. ‘Uh, maybe he’s gone to the, uh-’ His lips grazed her neck, teasingly. She pinched his arm, but he didn’t lean back. Asshole. ‘-uh…’

‘Julie? Everything okay?’

‘Yeah! Yeah! I’m fine!’ Julie pushed Luke back again, this time the boy giving her some space. The wolfish smirk he was sporting was one she either wanted to slap or kiss away. ‘Maybe he’s in the bathroom? Annoying Carlos? The studio?’ Not my room!  

They held in their breaths as they waited for a reply. Her mind was failing to catch up to what she’s just done. Here she was, with flushed lips and tingling skin from Luke’s actions as her brother was meandering on the other side of the door. How did she end up here? 

He blew a raspberry. ‘Okay…’ They sighed. ‘When you’re done making out, can you force Luke to start our project? Kind of an important assignment.’

Luke’s face crashed into pure horror, mouth falling agape and skin pale as a ghost. Julie snorted despite herself, dropping her head on his shoulder in an attempt to muffle her giggles but failing horribly. Of course, Reggie knew. His dreamy nature made anyone forget how observant he actually was, yet here he instantly he had his pulse on the facts. Or he’s always known about Luke’s crush on her. Probably both. 

Her smile stretched against the fabric of his shirt. Luke had a crush on her. Luke liked her. 

Reggie’s footsteps faded away, his bedroom door falling shut. Their gazes met again. 

Luke gulped, green eyes wide and oh so adorable. ‘He took that surprisingly well.’

Her chin raised, haughty. She hasn’t forgotten about that infuriating face of his just one minute before. ‘You kissed my neck.’

That look returned as he hummed, edging closer. ‘I did.’

‘You’re an asshole, you know that?’

His face brightened at her words, weaving a hand through her and making her sigh just like that. She was gone and she didn’t even know it. ‘And you’re-’ he murmured, softly kissing her lips, ‘-into that.’

How desperately she wanted to keep this going, she has heard what Reggie said. An important project due. She shouldn’t trouble her brother like that, even if making out with his best friend was far more appealing than anything else in the world right now.

The measly words puffed out. ‘You have-’ kiss ‘-a project-’ kiss ‘-with Reggie.’ kiss.  

‘Hmm…’ Letting her stand between his legs to be even closer and consequently shutting down any rationale, Luke mumbled against her lips: ‘One more minute.’

In the end, Luke stayed for another thirty minutes before Reggie barged in, dragged the boy from Julie’s bed by the collar and wordlessly trucked back out the room. When later that night she received a text saying goodnight jules 💙 she knew she hadn’t been dreaming.

And when Luke kissed her square on the lips the next day for everyone to see, Julie had inkling this interesting, little relationship of theirs was the just the beginning.  

@blush-and-books @bluefirewrites @willexx @unsaid-emily @sophiphi @ourstarscollided

[hopelesshawks]

Love and Admiration Part 15- Adrenaline

18+ Bakugo x fem!pro hero reader

Summary: (Y/n) has known Bakugo since middle school, admired him since high school, and had a crush on him since the first time they met. Even now, a top pro hero in her own right, she can’t shake her school girl crush. Too bad Bakugo literally has no idea she exists. Well that’s not entirely true… He does know pro hero Mercury exists, but (y/l/n) (y/n)? Never heard of her.

Warnings for unprotected sex, semi-public sex, lots of dirty talk, mention of reader having a vagina, fingering, dom/sub dynamics, creampie/minor cumplay, size kink, and like one (1) line that’s sort of degradation

Masterlist Help Lulu <3

Bakugo looks surprised when you show up to Ground Zero in a cropped hoodie and jeans instead of your hero costume. “What the fuck are you wearing?” he asks although by now you know him well enough to know he doesn’t mean it as negatively as it sounds. “Hero costumes would be a little bit conspicuous don’t you think Mr. Explosion Murder God,” you reply with a raised eyebrow before making a pointed glance at the large gauntlets of his own costume. The overall design of Bakugo’s costume has gotten a lot more streamlined since the two of you were in high school, with some of the flashier pieces being done away with, but a lot of the core elements have stayed the same. You can tell the moment he realizes you have a good point because he gets a vaguely disgruntled and yet begrudgingly accepting look on his face as he declares he’s going in to change. It shouldn’t be nearly as endearing as it is. Kirishima walks out shortly afterwards to start his patrol so the two of you get to take some time to catch up and he keeps you occupied until Bakugo returns. The man looks absolutely sinful in a gray Henley, the sleeves once again pushed up to his elbows, and jeans. Kiri has to nudge you hard in the side to snap your attention back to him, much to your chagrin. It doesn’t seem to bother him though as he just waggles his eyebrows at you before declaring he’s heading out with a wave. “What were you talking to shitty hair about?” Bakugo asks, his eyes narrowing at his friend. “Ah nothing much, just catching up. We should do a big hang soon, it’s been awhile since I saw Denki and Midoriya too,” you note. “Whatever,” Bakugo grumbles as you start leading him to the warehouse. “I know you hate this kind of thing but could you coordinate with the guys? I’ll handle the girls and maybe I can swing Shinso too. I just think it’d be nice since I kind of ruined their reunion yknow?” you shrug. Bakugo gives you a look then, almost calculating, as he tries to figure out what to say. “You didn’t ruin anything dumbass. I’ll talk to the idiots about it,” he finally tells you. “Yea?” “Yea. Now hurry up and take me to this fucking warehouse.”

You hadn’t anticipated how difficult it would be to stay unrecognized even in your civilian clothes. Multiple times you and Bakugo have to duck your heads close together or squeeze into some alleyway to avoid someone recognizing who the two of you are. Thankfully as you get deeper into the warehouse district where it’s far less populated it gets much easier to maintain your anonymity. It doesn’t take long to find the warehouse in question and sure enough you can already see the high grade equipment in what is supposed to be an abandoned building. The two of you crept inside and made your way through the building, first identifying the two men you’d been tracking and then checking to make sure they were alone. Once you’d confirmed they were the only two around you and Bakugo attacked.

Bakugo could watch you fight for hours on end and be no less amazed by it. Your quirk isn’t in and of itself anything special but the way you use it is so effortless and it’s obvious you’ve taken a great deal of time to learn precisely how best to utilize it. Your fighting style is almost graceful in its execution and it’s what had initially drawn Bakugo to you and made him so sure you’d be taking a spot in the top ten this past season. It makes him want to show off more, as if in hope that maybe just maybe you admire his fighting skills as much as he admires yours. It doesn’t take long for the two of you to subdue the villains but then you get this look in your eye and immediately Bakugo is suspicious. “Take them outside and call the cops to round them up, I wanna check something out,” you tell Bakugo, already starting to drift deeper into the warehouse. “What the fuck are you up to idiot?” Bakugo huffs even as worry starts to creep in. “Just trust me! I’ll be right out,” you promise before rushing off before he can stop you.

Bakugo growls out his displeasure but there’s not much he can do other than listen to you. He grabs both the unconscious villains, hefting one over his shoulder as he drags the other outside. Bakugo does trust you so he stays put until the cops can show up and start cuffing the villains. When you still haven’t re-emerged by the time the cops are carting the villains away he decides to go back in after you. He’s inside maybe a couple minute before he finds you sprinting full speed towards him chanting a frantic litany of “shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” “What the hell-“ “We gotta move!” is the only explanation you provide before you grab hold of his hand and tug him hard after you. It doesn’t take long for Bakugo to match your pace but before he can interrogate you further he hears a loud booming noise erupting from deeper into the warehouse. He’s set off enough of his own explosions to know what one sounds like. The booming noises are only getting closer and closer and there’s no way the two of you are going to make it to the main entrance so Bakugo course corrects you both towards the nearest window. Just as the largest one yet starts to set the room the two of you are in aflame he grabs hold of you and pulls you into his body, shielding you from the blast as he sends you both flying out the window and into the back alley behind the warehouse.

The two of you manage to land relatively unscathed so you heave out a sigh of relief as you stand and brush yourself off before checking for injuries. “You good Dynamight?” you ask but before you can look to him for an answer you’re suddenly being shoved against one of the brick walls of the alley. “What the fuck were you thinking?” Bakugo demands, carmine eyes burning with his signature temper as he pins you to the wall with one arm across your chest, just below your collarbone, and his other hand planted on the wall next to you to stop you from escaping. “I was thinking that that bust would be for nothing if we didn’t destroy the supply chain as well,” you huff, not backing down even though being this close to Bakugo is admittedly distracting. “So the explosions were fucking intentional?” “Well I didn’t know they’d be that big!” “You could’ve gotten hurt!” “But did we die though?” Something in Bakugo visibly snaps at your flippant comment and you’re half expecting him to literally blast you through the wall you’re still pressed against.

Imagine your surprise when you feel his mouth on yours instead.

You’re quick to get with the program, kissing him back before he can do something stupid like pull away and it only makes him even more aggressive. The arm pressed to your chest drops so his hand can grasp onto your bare waist instead. He kisses you like a man possessed, every ounce of adrenaline and pent up lust fueling him as he slots his thigh between your legs and grinds in the most delicious way. His erection presses insistently into your hip and god it’s so fucking big. Your mind practically spins as fantasy becomes reality in front of you. It’s almost embarrassing how turned on you are already just from his kiss but then the hand at your waist sneaks up beneath your shirt to grasp at one of your breasts, squeezing and massaging with just the right pressure as his thigh once again grinds into that sensitive spot between your legs and you can’t help but let out a gasp. Bakugo takes the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth, desperate to finally taste you the way he never could in his fantasies. The two of you shouldn’t be doing any of this in an alley of all places where someone may walk by, but that doesn’t seem to bother Bakugo at all as he uses the hand not currently fondling your breast to unbutton and unzip your jeans. He wastes no time slipping his hand past the waistband of your pants and panties to finally touch your bare sex and a possessive growl rips out of his chest as he feels for himself how much of an effect he has on you. “You’re so fucking wet for me already. You this much of a slut for everybody or just for me?” he growls in your ear as his fingers skate along your pussy, collecting your juices and so tantalizingly close to where you really want them. “Just for you,” you pant and it must be the correct answer because you’re rewarded with two of his dexterous fingers sliding inside of your cunt. Your hands fly to his shoulder and reel him in closer, fisting the material of his shirt as you keen and whimper. Your eyes squeeze shut, head bowing as the sensation of his fingers stroking along your inner walls continues to drive you insane. As amazing as his fingers feel though, your mind keeps wandering back to the bulge you’d felt against your hip only a moment prior and you know it isn’t enough. “P-please. I need-“ you beg but you can barely get the words out as he starts to rub circles into your sensitive clit. “Look at me,” Bakugo commands, the hand not currently shoved in your pants slipping back down to your waist. It takes a moment but finally you force yourself to look into his crimson eyes. “What do you need princess?” he asks and the pet name sends shivers down your spine. “Need you,” you whimper, as he continues to relentlessly plunge his fingers in and out of your desperate pussy, “all of you. Want you inside me.” “Say my name.” “Ba-“ “No. My first name dumbass. Then ask real sweet.” “Katsuki please, I need your dick inside me.”

You take it as a win that Bakugo, no Katsuki, curses under his breath as he pulls away just enough to use his free hand to undo his own jeans. You whine at the loss when he extracts his fingers from your aching core but use your resolve to finally, finally have his dick inside you as motivation to focus enough to shove your pants and panties down to your ankles. As Katsuki does the same your eyes widen as you take in the sight of his cock. You subconsciously feel yourself clench at the sight alone. He notices you staring as he steps between the v of your legs and over your jeans to get closer to you. “Like what you see?” “God yes, Jesus Katsuki you’re massive.” “You sure you can take it all?” “Abso-fucking-lutely.” Bakugo grasps hold of your thighs and hoists you up until your legs can wrap comfortably around his hips. The brick wall behind you helps distribute your weight as he lines himself up with your entrance. “Ready princess?” “Please,” you whine and the smirk you get in response makes your heart race even faster than it already has been. He pushes into you agonizingly slowly but even still it burns slightly as your body tries to accommodate his girth. “Too much?” Katsuki asks and there’s a gentleness there you’ve never heard before. You hurriedly shake your head no. “Just give me a second,” you tell him as you focus on relaxing to allow him in. It’s a shockingly intimate moment, the sounds of the city are a soundtrack you’re both oblivious to; all you two can hear is the sound of your breathing.

You finally lean forward and press your forehead to Katsuki’s. “I’m ready. You can move,” you tell him and he’s all too eager to oblige. He starts out slowly pulling himself out until only the tip remains inside your entrance before he snaps his hips forward, shoving himself back inside and making you see stars. “Still good?” “Fuck yes, do that again,” you moan and that’s all Katsuki needs to bring the smirk back to his face as he starts to really pound into you, his pace relentless now that he’s confirmed you can handle it. “I’m gonna fucking ruin that pussy of yours. Make sure nothing and no one can please you the way I can,” he growls possessively before capturing your mouth into a kiss again, swallowing every whine, whimper, and moan that comes out of your mouth. Your grasp onto his shoulders for dear life, probably leaving long scratches along his back from where your hands have scrambled for purchase but neither of you care. Nothing matters to you outside of the pleasant pull of Katsuki’s thick cock slipping in and out of your clenching pussy. “God you’re so fucking tight for me. I can feel you clenching princess, you gonna cum for me?” he asks. “I am. God I am, ‘m so close,” you whine. Katsuki shifts the angle just so and immediately you know it’s over as your vision whites out with a final cry of Katsuki’s name as your orgasm hits you like a freight train, your entire body clenching around Bakugo as he desperately chases his own climax now that you’ve gotten yours. His rhythm stutters and gets sloppy as he gets closer and closer. He’s so focused on fucking into the tight, wet heat of your pussy still fluttering around him that it takes him by surprise when you whisper in his ear “Please Katsuki. Fill me up, make me yours.” “Fuck (y/n),” he groans and it’s the most intense orgasm he’s ever experienced. The reality of finally having you this way far surpasses every fantasy he’s had about this moment and by the time his orgasm finally passes it’s almost overwhelming.

Bakugo lets you back down onto the ground almost gently, before slowly pulling out. He watches with rapt attention as his cum dribbles down from between your legs and he just barely stops himself from reaching over to push the bit that’s leaked out back in. Instead he forces his eyes to meet yours. He’s not entirely sure what he sees in the (y/e/c) depths of your gaze but it makes him panic, his cheeks flushing as he looks away. He wants to offer up round 2. He wants to invite you back to his place. He wants to make you moan his name and beg for his cock to fill you up but he can’t make himself say the words he wants to. The fact of the matter is that with the adrenaline now drained from his body and the lustful haze lifted, the great Bakugo Katsuki has lost his nerve. So even though he wants to ask “what are you doing the rest of the night?” he instead says “we should head back.” “Oh... right yea, of course,” you reply dazedly as Bakugo backs out of your space and quickly moves to pull back up his pants and underwear as you do the same. The two of you walk back to Ground Zero in silence, both still processing what’s just happened. “See ya around,” Bakugo tells you before striding towards the door to his agency. “Yea, see you,” you reply, equally as spaced out. You watch his retreating back until he actually enters the building and the door shuts behind him. As the door clicks closed you both have the same thought:

“What the fuck just happened?”

A/N: Kirishima definitely texted Mina the minute he realized the police had submitted the paperwork for y/n and Bakugo’s bust but the two of them hadn’t returned from the mission yet. They love gossiping about their two favorite horny idiots

Taglist: @pixelwisp @oliviasslut @larkspyrr @heroacadema @kozukatsuki @captaincyberqueen @undead-nyx @ineedtofocusfr @i-heart-fictional-boys

[novoaa1writes]

valentine’s

pairing(s): yelena belova x reader

summary: 

you’re already having kind of a shitty day to begin with. hell, you don’t even realize it’s valentine’s day until—

well, that’s not important. 

the important part comes later, when yelena shows up unannounced on your doorstep beaten half to hell and clutching a mangled bouquet of white roses. 

contains: fluff

word count: ~1,000

rating: teen

warnings: sleep deprivation, mentions of alcohol abuse, mentions of drunk and disorderly arrests, implied/referenced police brutality, guns, mild blood

notes: reader is explicitly stated to be not only poc but also non-white-passing.

— —

edit: this was written before it was brought to my attention that yelena is canonically asexual (and arguably aromantic). i will not be writing any other yelena fics which feature her in a non-platonic dynamic for the time being. please feel free to private message me if you have any questions, or wish to shed some light on this discourse!

— —

It’s something like 8:00 on a Sunday night, and you’re absolutely exhausted. It’s been… what, a solid 36 hours since you last slept? More, maybe?

Saturday night saw you cancelling last-minute on a highly-anticipated (and much-needed) girls’ night out in favor of going to bail your younger brother out of jail. Your younger brother, who lived in Providence, yet had somehow found his way to a police district in the heart of Boston before nightfall. 

The charges weren’t anything crazy—just public intoxication and resisting arrest… stupid stuff, really. Though, considering your brother’s visibly non-white complexion (a near identical match unto your own), that second one easily surpassed stupid to border on downright imbecilic. 

Needless to say, you were at Penn Station by 7:00, and on a train to Boston by 7:55.

You didn’t sleep on the train. You couldn’t. 

11:30 saw you disembarking at South Station, then taking the T directly to the precinct, ice-cold dread chilling your body from the inside out.

You were there by midnight, and when you finally laid eyes upon him—hammered and a little banged up but ultimately alive—you felt a weight lift from your chest. Stacks of endless paperwork and five-fucking-grand later, you were finally permitted to leave. 

You took his ass straight back to South Station and dragged him forcibly onto the next Providence-bound train. One hour later found you sitting side-by-side in a waiting room that reeked of antiseptic at something like 2:30am—waiting for his intake papers to go through. 

He’d been there before—Greener Pastures, an addiction recovery treatment center. (AKA rehab.) Twice, actually. 

You couldn’t help feeling like an idiot for praying it might stick this time. 

Intake was slow, but they’d accepted him into the program (again) by 3:15. 

You were back at Providence Station by 4:00am, and on a train back to New York City by 5:00am… just in time to clock in for work at 8:30 sharp. 

You were so out of it, you didn’t even think to realize that it was Valentine’s Day until one of your coworkers—a boastful, obnoxious man named Kade—dropped a pale-pinkish note atop your desk that read ‘You + Me. Dinner tonight? I’ll pick you up at 7:00’ in messy scrawl. It had a silver Hershey’s Kiss taped to it and everything. 

Perfectly juvenile. 

Following a very uncomfortable one-on-one with Kade during your lunch break, you made it a point to keep your head down for the remainder of the day. 

You were exhausted, and worn-out, and worried about your brother; you couldn’t possibly have cared less about candies and flowers and being someone’s valentine. 

So, yeah. 

You’re here now, alone in your apartment on a Sunday night, and you’re just ready to sleep, goddammit. 

So of course, why wouldn’t there come a heavy-handed knock on your door at precisely that moment in time? Why wouldn’t there be someone on your doorstep—likely with yet another pressing problem, judging by recent incidences—to keep you from conking out into a blissful sleep and forgetting (even if only momentarily) that the past 24 hours ever happened?

You’re originally planning to stomp over to the door like you’re upset, then yank it open and greet whoever’s feeling audacious enough to disturb you this evening with a succinct “What ?” that borders on a snarl. 

As it is, you’re far too drained to do anything but shuffle over to the door, undo the deadbolt, and tug it open with a defeated scowl to see—

Oh, what the fuck?

Yelena Belova stands directly outside your door looking like she got run over by a freight train… twice. Blood and soot streaks her pretty features; she’s wearing her tactical suit, still—though it’s singed and torn in various places, dotted in sprinkles of pale-grey ash. 

She’s got twin holsters on either thigh, only one of which still carries a Škorpion machine pistol—two guns she never leaves HQ without. 

One blackened hand is pressed urgently into her side—staunching what looks to be a rather serious flow of blood from a potential gun-shot wound in her lower abdomen—while the other… 

A bouquet of flowers—white roses, to be exact—clutched in her bloodied fist, thrust out to you as if offering you to take them. 

You blink—once, twice… thrice. You look up to the grim expression splayed across Yelena’s dirtied features, then back down to the flowers. Their pretty white petals are mangled and discolored, blotted with black soot. 

You look back up to Yelena once more, jaw slack with wonder. 

“Yelena, what…?”

Yelena glances down to the flowers and back to you. “It is February 14th, да?” At your blank look, she frowns and clarifies, “The day of Valentines?”

Your jaw snaps shut with an audible click! “I… Yes, but—” 

“They are for you,” Yelena says flatly. She thrusts out the bouquet a little further, silently urging you to take it. 

After a moment’s hesitation, you do. The cellophane whines and squeaks around the sad-looking flowers as Yelena relinquishes the bouquet, her catlike eyes intent upon you all the while. 

You look down at the mauled, singe-ridden flowers. You don’t dip your jaw to smell them.

“Thank you, Yelena,” you whisper out, finally looking up to meet her determined gaze. “They’re lovely.”

A spark of something warm flits through Yelena’s stormy gaze—here one second, gone the next. It makes butterflies erupt in your stomach. “С Днём Валентина,” she murmurs, sounding just the tiniest bit out of breath.

Despite the exhaustion weighing heavy on your thoughts, you feel the corners of your lips tugging up into a bashful smile. “Would you, um…” you trail off, stepping aside and making a vague welcome-in-esque gesture with your free hand. “Would you like to come in?” 

Yelena’s lips twitch, and she nods. “Да.”

— —

да | da | yes

с днём валентина | s dnyom valentina | happy valentine’s day

— —

tagging:

[marvel]: @normanijauregui​

— —

end notes: yelena 100% would pull this shit

also i never realized how nerve racking it is to bring flowers to a girl you’re not dating on valentine’s day. what the fuck. i felt like throwing up the whole time. why are girls so SCARY

link to masterlist

[inevitably-johnlocked]

A Little LOKI Theory Post

*SPOILERS FOR LOKI E1-3 BELOW CUT*

I am loathe to admit that I love the new LOKI TV series, mainly because of the Mobius/Loki dynamic, the interesting sci-fi plot, and just... I so far surprisingly like every episode. This was the show I had such low expectations for, because I didn’t really like LOKI – I felt he was the Moriarty of the MCU, overused when they didn’t need him, and making me annoyed by an actor I love.

EXCEPT I’m also a sucker for character-driven, psychoanalysis stories, like all these D+ Marvel shows are, and it’s leaving me super shocked about me liking characters I didn’t before. I’m fully invested in all these characters now.

I think the only reasom I really wanted to see this show for was because it ties directly into the next Dr. Strange movie, so YEAH, I’m in love multiverse and time travel things, so it was inevitable that I would enjoy this show, I think.

AND of course, I’ve theories and speculations because there’s a lot to work with, and I LOVE stories like these, so I decided I would take some time out and stretch out my meta-writing grey cells. And I wanted somewhere to have my theories/ideas written out before they come to fruition, because DAMNIT I have headcanons and hopes and dreams.

So here we go, spoilers below cut. Please note I know nothing about the comics aside from what other theorists and reviewers have mentioned:

The TVA are “the bad guys” but I think it goes deeper than that... Like the whole Timekeeper thing is really sus. I think it’s only one Timekeeper, who is Kang the Conqueror, who maintains the Sacred Timeline to ensure that he stays in power to PREVENT the Multiverse War which I think he knows happened to stop him. I also think Renslayer is behind all of this suspicious thing; I learned that in the comics Renslayer is a love interest for Kang, so like........... SUS.

AND I think Multiverse War they talked about in the beginning of the show IS the Multiverse War they’re ABOUT TO HAVE. This is a show about non-linear time, and there’s hints about multiverses in the next Spiderman, and Dr Strange is LITERALLY called “Multiverse of Madness”. Wild Theory: Maybe Doctor Strange IS one of the Time Keepers following the Multiverse War.

Loki initially wants to learn the enchanting that Sylvie does for his own selfish gain, and I think he was lying about breaking the TempPad so he would force her to open up. HOWEVER, I think he had a sudden change of heart after learning about the TVA’s Variant Staff; we already see him sort of fond of both Mobius and remembers Casey’s name, so I feel like that he will end up using this knowledge he gained very differently.

Further on this point, they established in Ep 3 that TVA agents / staff need actual real memories to “manipulate” them. So, I think Loki will use this power he learned from Sylvie (I mean, she explained to him how to do it, and this show is really good at using the “Chekov’s guns” given to us) to bring Mobius to “his side”, and TOGETHER they take down the TVA and make it what it should be. Mobius is very dedicated to the TVA, so I really do forsee that it will be Loki “freeing” Mobius as the catalyst to swaying to siding with Loki until the end. He’s a good man with a big heart for humanity, so I think he will totally side with freeing everyone else.

On that note, I think the reason Mobius is fascinated with the nineties is because he’s a variant jetskiier pulled from the nineties. I suspect in his original timeline he probably had a jetski accident and died, but in the Variant timeline, he survived, and out of pity I think Renslayer “saved” him and recruited him. The TVA wiped his memories after he couldn’t cope with the fact that he was SUPPOSED to die.

ALSO still on Mobius, I think every time he keeps questioning too much, he gets his memory wiped, which would explain why he never remembers leaving the cup stains on Renslayer’s table.

I think there’s more to Miss Minutes than meets the eye. Another theory I had was that she was similar to VIKI in iRobot, essentially running the company to her programmed “laws” after the TimeKeepers passed on. So like there’s no TimeKeepers at all, but there was at one time, and Miss Minutes was left to her own devices.

Another theory similar to this, is the Doctor Who episode, The Long Game, where everyone wants to be promoted to “Floor 500″ because it’s rumoured to be a paradise and is the top floor no one has ever returned from; It turns out it’s run by an alien that feeds on the human or something similar, and the people who went to the top floor ended up frozen husks of who they were. Not saying it’s this exact thing, but more the idea that everyone thinks what’s upstairs is a magical wonderful benevolent corporation looking out for what’s best for everyone, but instead it’s one evil thing doing stuff for their own purpose. Eh.

Another rogue theory: Mobius IS a Loki variant, which is why he’s obsessed with Loki himself, knows Loki better than Loki knows himself, and either knows and omitted it, or DOESN’T know but naturally is intrigued by the Loki Variant and him always finding out the truth is WHY his memory keeps getting wiped, and why everyone is always squeamish about having a Loki around. Mobius mentioned that Loki is the one Variant they have stopped more Lokis than any other Variant....

On that thought: IF Lokis are the most common Variant they capture, I think a LOT of the TVA are Loki Variants, trapped in the forms they were presenting as when they were brought in, and because magic doesn’t work in the TVA, they CAN’T turn off the glamour, had their memories wiped, and in turn could now be Codenamed Casey, or Mobius, or B15........ An abstract theory, but I think it’s interesting.

And another, since I learned that it is in the comics: Mobius is a clone drone. This one saddens me and I really hope he’s not. Because I love Mobius.

I think Sylvie was a Variant who worked for the TVA, but somehow had an awakening and wants to free everyone else... the only thing against this theory is her seeming surprised that her magic stopped working when she arrived at the TVA. If she was an agent, she would know that magic doesn’t work within the TVA.

And I think this series will inevitably – if the rumours of a Season 2 are true – have the Mobius / Loki dynamic solving Time Crimes... a.... Holmes and Watson if you will. :D HAHHA.

So yeah. This list will change obviously for the next 3 weeks, and I had a lot of fun with this so I will probably keep it up.

Some things I hope happen by the end:

A giant “probably not going to happen because this is Disney”: I hope they pay-off the “bisexual” confirmation by the end of this... highkey with Mobius (damn it I ship them okay), but lowkey just even a passing remark about anyone LOL. I really ship Lokius, okay. I need this dynamic in the MCU

PLEASE DON’T KILL CASEY, we love Casey. #FREECASEY

I’ll be really honest here, I will effing GROAN and be a not-happy Steph if they do the ship that I think they’re gonna do: Sylvie x Loki. Which is weird to me that Disney would be okay with self-love, but the OBVIOUS initial dynamic of Loki x Mobius is too much, “look we gave you bisexual Loki, aren’t you happy enough??” Just. I dunno. It’s weird / a pet peeve of mine that a lot of online reviewers are bitching about “woke” Disney the one time they ACTUALLY FINALLY let a title character say they’re queer, but are all “UWU SYLVIE AND LOKI ARE GONNA GET TOGETHER BECAUSE LOKI LOVES HIMSELF UWU”. Even though Loki spent legit more screen time with Mobius, and literally did everything he told Sylvie that he wouldn’t do around people he doesn’t trust around Mobius ALREADY?? It’s like they already forgot about the first two eps. LEGIT the whole dagger=love metaphor LITERALLY happened in the previous two episodes, but alright chiefs. Anyway. Sorry, it’s stupid to be bothered by it. 

We’re gonna get that heart wrench moment that the other two shows had, and I TRULY BELIEVE it’s gonna be between Loki and Mobius when Loki tells / shows Mobius the truth. LOOK I JUST WANT MORE OF THEM OKAY. And I need my heart ripping moment in this show within the next two eps LOL. We got one in WandaVision. We got one in FATWS. GIVE ME ONE IN LOKI. MAKE ME LIKE LOKI.

Anyway, so that’s my rambling. Thanks for taking time out to read all this. I miss theorizing, and this show is perfect for me to do it. I’m not AS good at these shows as I was with Sherlock, but it’s still fun, because it’s new and my brain is full of headcanons and idea things. I’ll write again after Ep 4, I think. <3 Thank you lovelies for letting me do this!

[gimmemycoffee]

Uriel AU because why the hell not?

So, I've been rewatching Supernatural just for the hell of it (no pun intended), and I am utterly frustrated by the amount of wasted potential, especially in seasons 4 and 5. The sheer amount of awesome characters they threw away should have been considered a crime. So, in response to my frustration, my brain - the traitorous little shit - decided it was plot bunny reproduction season.

There are about a million more plot points I can write about, but this one seemed to be the most random one. And I know it's been more than a decade since S4 was aired, so for context's sake, bear with me for a bit.

We all know that Cas started doubting Heaven's plans pretty much the second he sent Dean on the impossible mission of changing the past. We also know that he started voicing these doubts to Dean by the end of 4x07.

Here's the thing, though. Dean wasn't the only one trying to make Cas see reason. It wasn't coincidence that Uriel was introduced on this episode. He's the one in charge of destroying the entire city to prevent the Rising of Samhain, and he's prepared to do whatever it takes to reach his goal. If it wasn't for Cas reigning him in during the episode, if push came to shove he would have disobeyed Dean, and by extension, heaven.

Uriel is acting as a mirror here, giving voice to Cas' own doubts and questions. Yes, he's a dick about it, but the sentiment is there, and like it or not, his prejudice toward humanity is what fuels his rebellious tendencies - speaking of which, the leaders of Castiel's garrison share a tendency to go rogue, don't they? Naomi's got her work cut out for her. Serves the bitch right.

Anyway, fast forward to 4x10. After the whole mock fight at the start of the episode - let's face it, if the angels were really trying to get rid of the boys, they could've done it easy peasy. The only reason Anna had enough time to make the sigil and banish them was because they were pulling their punches. -, Uriel goes out of his way to talk to Dean in a dream, shows all his cards and even offers an olive branch. When Alastair comes in, his first move is to get up in his face and talk shit. Watch the scene carefully, look at the actors' body language.

Fast forward again and we land on episode 4x16. The power dynamic between Uriel and Cas has shifted, and angels are dying. Canon!Uriel doesn't give a shit about making Dean relive his trauma, and he sabotages the Devil's Trap to buy himself time. He does it to get Cas to join his side, and when he says no, they fight and that gets him killed. Everything he did was out of pride and jealousy, because he hates humans. A Lucifer fanboy, that's all he was portrayed to be.

But what if Uriel's rebellion had gone a little differently?

Uriel was a dick, but he was Cas' closest friend by that point. He was the one who planted the seeds of doubt in his head, encouraged him to question and abandon Heaven's plans. In canon, he couldn't care less about humans.

Thing is, though, when angels stray from their programming, when they start to doubt Heaven and feel emotions, there is one in particular they all seem to gravitate to: empathy. It happened to Cas, it happened to Anna, it happened to all the other angels after the Apocalypse was derailed. The civil war for Heaven would not have even begun without it. Cas wouldn't have been able to convince his followers to not torch the Earth if they hadn't sympathized with his cause. Feelings are complicated, and when angels experience them without guidance to tell up from down, they make stupid decisions - watch S6. That's what happened to Uriel: a stupid decision (killing his own kin) resultant from his emotions (pride and jealousy) going haywire due to lack of guidance.

What if he'd had that guidance, though? What if, instead of going homicidal - angelcidal...? -, he decided to ask for help?

Cas wouldn't be much help at this point, he's still Heaven's puppet and will be for a while. The power shift between them is Zachariah's doing, so it would happen regardless. Alastair would still try to break a seal, Dean would have stopped him, and the angels would still capture him. The difference here is that, without the killing spree, they would need another reason to make Dean torture Alastair - and yes, they'd still do that. Zachariah's goal is to break Dean, to weaken his resolve so that, when the time is right, he would say yes to Michael. Sorry, Dean. - and there is no shortage of those. They'd still send Cas and Uriel, and Uriel would still drag Dean to that warehouse. But instead of going away to 'seek revelation', he would stay.

Angels can see into a human's soul, Cas told us so. They can see what we're feeling, what we're thinking, and Dean's emotions would certainly have been a mess and a half. And to Uriel, who, at this point, is no doubt filled with conflicting emotions and well on his way to rebelling, the emotional turmoil is something he can relate to. His empathy would make him question the mission, and he would share those thoughts with Cas, who is clearly conflicted as well. He wouldn't sabotage the Devil's Trap because there is no time to buy, no need for a scape goat to cover his own ass.

As for Dean? He was making progress with Alastair. Slowly but surely, he was starting to crack. And given time, he might have succeeded - it's how he was trained, to play the long game. Sam would still show up and interrupt the whole thing, though, and Uriel would be all too happy to let him. Alastair would spill whatever secret they'd been ordered to get from him, and Sam would still kill him for what he did to Dean in Hell.

And then there would come the questions. How did Sam get so powerful? How did he know where they were? How did he know exactly how to torture a demon? Everybody knows the answer, and it leads to an early detox in Bobby's panic room. After dealing with his brother, it's Dean's turn to have a breakdown of his own: he asks about the first seal, and the two angels can't be anything but sincere.

From this point on, I can't really figure out what would happen. Uriel has rebelled, he disobeyed a direct order. He can't go back to heaven and he doesn't know what to do with himself. He needs something to give him purpose, and I can see him deciding to watch over the brothers, using his grace to heal Sam's addiction little by little (headcannon: angelic grace can cure the effects of demon blood). Dean may be a little cautious of the angel at first, but after a heart to heart, and Uriel proving himself to both Dean and Bobby, they come around.

When Cas appears to Dean in a dream, he and Uriel would set off to Investigate the address, and when they find Jimmy instead of Cas, Uriel would immediately know what's up, thus introducing Naomi way earlier for the sake of exposition. With his help, though, Dean would be more equipped to protect Jimmy's family. Without the threat of demons hanging over their shoulders, Jimmy actually stays with Dean and would be eventually taken to Bobby's to wait for Cas to return. When he does, though, Uriel runs off, knowing that freshly brainwashed!Cas wouldn't hesitate to kill him.

This is as far as I go. I might pick this up again someday, SPN is a fun universe to mess with.

Stay safe. :)

[spiritualgateway]

You are your own creation

written by Steven Black:

At least since „Seth“, we all know the famous sentence: „You are the creator of your own reality. “

Fine.

But we usually overlook the most important point, namely the center of where everything happens.

OUR SELF!

The very personal kind of evaluations we make about ourselves creates our human personality. The identity as which we know and experience ourselves. This is how it manifests itself. Our stream of evaluations leads to patterns of conviction and to a certain belief structure. And with this we then identify ourselves, which sets a certain dynamic in motion through which we will attract and experience certain things.

The core of the center lies in what we believe about ourselves, how we feel about ourselves and how we think about ourselves. This in turn is closely related to what kind of experiences we have already had. And how we have then judged these experiences. If we really want to understand the phrase – „You are the creator of your own reality“ – then it is valuable if we look at the stream of evaluation that we generate about ourselves throughout our lives. Second by minute, day by week for months for years and decades.

The person we are now is the product of many years of incessant evaluations and definitions about ourselves.

Sure, before we are born, we put together a kind of blueprint – with certain character traits, talents and inclinations, in order to be able to have certain experiences. And of course, when we come to Earth, we go through an imprinting process that will activate this Blueprint. We go through education by parents and the school system, learn cultural, social and societal collective beliefs and much more. In this way we learn to think in a certain way and to classify things, circumstances, people and situations – we adopt the definitions and evaluations that have been given to us.

In fact, it is only the basic training for being human at the moment, it is not the „wisdom last resort“.

Much more important for our human experience are our judgements about ourselves – which we make again and again (mostly very unconsciously) permanently. We constantly make comparisons and constantly generate our very personal interpretations about other people, life, our experiences and ourselves. And this, of course, first on the basis of what we have been taught.

All these interpretations, evaluations and definitions flow to what we call the subconscious and bundle there into beliefs (beliefs). This is called programming; this is how a program is written – and it is we ourselves who write it. Minute by minute for hour for day, months and years.

Beliefs become a program that works continuously without us having to consciously think about things. Belief systems are automatically formed after a certain amount or load of (good or bad) evaluations we have made about our experiences. Beliefs are nothing more than a condensation of evaluation streams that accumulate within us over time.

Each one of us is a creative soul, each one creates his own reality – without exception. And we create with the highest possible commitment: with ourselves.    

However we evaluate ourselves, whatever beliefs and ideas we may develop about ourselves – we ourselves bear the consequences. Because we will then have to live this idea we have about ourselves.      

We usually believe that it is only our experiences – the good and the less good – that influence our ways of thinking and acting. This is only partly true – I mean, of course experiences shape us. But much more important for the subsequent shaping is our personal evaluation of the perceptions and experiences we have made. For an impressive imprint a certain form of meaning is necessary. Meanings do not exist „just like that“, a meaning is created by weighting. By different evaluations within a certain context and by the feeling or an emotion that co-creates this evaluation. I have to evaluate things in order for them to have a meaning for me personally. This means that the meaning that any things, situations, people, and diverse experiences have for us is co-determined and shaped by ourselves.

Of course, when we are young and inexperienced, we will usually „blindly“ follow the definitions and evaluations that we have been taught. No matter how good, healthy, disabling, limiting or valuable they are. As we get older, we will probably realize at some point how many of these are not really ours. Then, at some point, we will probably make adjustments and think differently.

For example, if we often had the experience of being criticized as a child, we will develop an „inner critic“ over time. Considering the fact that there is a psychological study that says that a child up to the age of 5 is criticized about 40,000 times, we can safely assume that almost everyone develops an „inner critic“. The „Inner Critic“ emerges as a kind of protective function for the child.

He criticizes with the „good intention“ of sparing the child further criticism, which of course does not work. The Inner Critic is usually associated with a parent’s voice or that of another important caregiver. And what they say must be true, right? We quickly make the experience that we can rarely meet the requirements and so we develop additional feelings of guilt and shame. The heard criticism, together with the emotional reaction in us, leads to an often traumatic impact in our consciousness. The more often this happened, the more often we were criticized, the more often we felt shame about it, the more a conviction structure condenses and bundles itself in us, which approximately says: You are not valuable, you are not enough, you are … blah-blah-blah. We then believe that.

The vehemence and psychological scope of this „inner critic“ may vary individually, but the point is: You create a thought form that will accompany you and tell you unpleasant things about yourself until you start to stop and find a way to stop it. Because – you are hitting yourself …

In eastern spiritual traditions the „monkey mind“ has been blamed for centuries. The „stupid (monkey) mind“ that just does what it wants – as if it had its own life and its own decisions that have nothing to do with you. The solution to this problem was then – just don’t judge anymore. This is in my eyes a very immature idea, because the mind has no own ideas and no own consciousness – it is a function, like a kind of operating system, which does, repeats and executes what WE have given it to work. Our brain works with what it is offered.

And if we keep making devaluations about ourselves, what will keep coming up?

No matter how much other people may criticize you. No one can criticize you as badly, rob you of your own value and strength as you rob yourself. The consequence of this will be that we will be plagued by countless fears, physical tensions and insecurities – which will of course also be triggered by the outer world. The outer world always reflects our inner world in a special way. If you get criticism from the outside, it will most likely bring up the old shame inside you, which reflects the conviction that you are worth nothing. This in turn will throw up another chain of self-critical thoughts, which are usually suppressed as quickly as possible.      

As long as we are still unconscious, we will devalue the other and call him an asshole because he makes us feel that way. But it really hits us, because deep inside of us there is a conviction that correlates – even if only a little – with this criticism. That’s why it hurts, because something in us says – that’s right. No matter how wrong that may be. It is inside of us. The person in question may still be an asshole, but he is not responsible for how I feel about it. The statements trigger and activate the content, which we ourselves have already evaluated countless times in this or similar ways (for whatever reason) and also hide it from ourselves. If this is touched, it hurts. If we had no subject with it, it would not hurt so much.

But you only check it after you have worked your ass off on your topic. Not before – as long as we are only focused on the outer world and its dynamics, we are more likely to make classifications and evaluations that are based on a victim and perpetrator spiral. Me, the poor victim and the evil perpetrator.

Sure, from the outside it looks the same in its EFFECT. But there is always a complex dynamic behind it that has unfolded. We can either learn something important about ourselves from it or we simply repeat and repeat and repeat this dynamic. And we will repeat it if we are not aware of it.        

I know this has been a very strong example of how you create your own reality. An example that can show us that the esoteric idea that everyone creates their reality quasi-consciously is quite unrealistic. We create a lot of unconscious dynamics and weird behaviors because at some point we just didn’t know better. Because basically nobody taught us how to deal with ourselves. And so it is in most cases, life is based on trial and error dynamics when we know very little about how our own system operates.

As long as we do not deal with our own consciousness and inner world, we simply take for „God-given“ who we are and how we think about ourselves. So much mindfuck accumulates there and also the images and ideas we have about relationships, success, money, politics and thousands of other ideas are based on various evaluations and definitions that we have very rarely questioned. Most of the time they simply do not apply (anymore).

As you can see, we are actually deep inside the topic of „self-love“ (whatever that may mean).

Namely: How do I deal with myself?    

How we think about ourselves, how we evaluate ourselves and how we feel with ourselves has an enormous importance for our personal development. It also has a great influence on which connections our brain synapses develop, which ones we expand or whether some of them are broken at all. The state of our brain and all its connections correlate closely with our thoughts and emotions, as well as our actions.      

The axis of meaning

We cannot do without ratings!

I have to rate something as great, exciting, important, boring, euphoric, insignificant, desirable, aborting, likeable, good or bad (etc; etc.) in order for it to have this meaning for me at all. Through evaluations, like „yes, I like“ or „no you, don’t bother“. Evaluations, how difficult or easy the respective situation is or was for us to cope with. Ratings, how to deal with it in the future – acceptance, affirmation or avoidance. These evaluations are made on the basis of permanent comparisons between past and present. And they are extrapolated to future developments.  This feeds our expectations of how things will happen in the future …

As mentioned above, there are of course also meanings whose context has been shaped by other people or society. Because they are simply taken over and regarded as „given facts“. Every meaning has a kind of weight. How heavy it is depends on how important we consider those who taught and taught us various meanings. But a really strong weight they get from us, if it really concerns us and we make an experience about it. Until then, it has more of an abstract meaning, the weight of which has been shaped by others.

The weighting of a meaning is usually only given when we have experience with it and have repeatedly given the same or at least similar evaluations of it. OR relatively quickly, as soon as we are violently „hit“ by an emotional wave – positive or negative in nature.  

EMOTION IS A RESPONSE TO WHATEVER WE BELIEVE IS TRUE

Every emotion and feeling is a reflection of the energy of negative or positive judgement that we have defined and put into it. Emotions are reaction patterns that show us what we believe in. We condition the way we feel. And this means that a feeling or an emotion does not necessarily have to be true.  But it feels very, very true. Sometimes so true, so devastating, depressing and depressingly true that you get stuck in it for a long time. You can also forget about the highly praised „gut feeling“ – because that too is based on resonances that have a connection to any kind of meaning and judgement. Sometimes they are correct, sometimes they are just avoidance, rejection or fear. Also „gut feeling“ is something you can only rely on if you are emotionally relatively clear.

Emotions contain a certain definition, the core of which is a wide range of evaluations that have formed into a conviction. This is the origin, the root of all emotions and also the reason why emotions can sometimes be violent and so overwhelming. The content cascade of countless mental and emotional evaluations is so extensive that we can feel overwhelmed by the respective charge of emotion. Emotions are the first and fastest reaction of our system to flush content – i.e. information from the subconscious – upwards. Imagine if all the thoughts and evaluations we have ever made on a topic suddenly appeared in our waking consciousness – I think that would be much more confusing.

That is why I never tire of emphasizing the value of feeling work. When I am „buried“ by emotional things, I sit down and sit with the emotion – I follow it to the center of (my own) hell. At some point the tangle of meaning unravels and I understand the definition behind it. And then I have the opportunity to see – is this now REALLY true? If so, is it still true now? Very often there are unresolved issues that reach far back into childhood. An emotion that hits you now can be an original situation or experience from childhood, with all the definitions given to it, some of which have – even if only slight – similarities to the current situation. The similarity is enough to trigger the emotional field.

Knowing the definition allows me to make a new assessment – either to reinforce and respond to it or to add a new perspective. This allows me to update my emotional content and my evaluation stream. In order for this to work, I have to sit with the emotion in question until it is halfway discharged. Charge = all of the given evaluations and received feelings. Sometimes this happens quickly, sometimes it can take months or even years. If energy has been put into something for years, it does not dissolve overnight.

Our assessments are rarely made by purely cognitive, logical or clear, sober conclusions alone. We judge situations not only by factual and cognitive criteria, but also how we feel about them. How we feel with it in turn directly reflects our underlying thoughts and beliefs. And the respective emotional perception will in turn lead to certain thoughts and evaluations about them. In this way, our beliefs are condensed. All of this flows incessantly into our „subconscious“, this is how we write our story.

We not only evaluate, we also evaluate our evaluations and our emotions in addition. This reinforces the whole pattern even more. So most of our evaluations have become „self-runners“. We do not question them. They simply continue.

We evaluate almost every perception, every thought, every feeling, every emotion:

The sky is blue – feels good. It is raining – rather bad. It is hot – shit. It is cold – shit. I have to go to work – fuck. The neighbor – is friendly, sexy, annoying, exhausting, cheeky, creepy – whatever. I am in a relationship – super. I’m in a relationship – my god, what was I thinking? A look in the mirror shows – I’m too thin, too fat, too big, too small, have too big/small breasts, have too little/too many muscles, everyone else looks better/worse than me.

I like Rock ’n Roll music/all brass music lovers are morons. Classical music is for snobs. My boyfriend/girlfriend has left me – my god, it feels so shitty/ jeez, I’m so glad about that. I have no money in the bank – my life is boring. I have no money in the bank – at least I don’t have any debts.

There are thousands of different evaluations we make about ourselves and things. The beliefs we have accumulated over the course of our lives are so deeply rooted in us that we are not even aware of them. This happens so fast within us that we are very, very rarely consciously aware of it. We simply take them as a given reality and overlook the fact that we ourselves formed this reality. With our evaluations we condition our personal reality and the kind of person we are. How we evaluate ourselves forms the personality we perceive ourselves as. The personality that we are attracts certain experiences because of their belief patterns. So yes, we all create our own reality …

As we evaluate, so do things appear to us. No matter what kind of beliefs we have, they tend to confirm themselves. We always find confirmation of what we believe.

Of course, we always have the choice to say – „well, I don’t like my reality and I’m going to sit in my corner defiantly, it’s not my fault“. Mostly, however, life forces us to continue learning, to adapt and to change. Sometimes in an absolutely unpleasant way – through pain, trauma or we are confronted with difficult diseases. With everything that gives us the opportunity to pause and realize that we have to go INSIDE to face the many challenges of human existence. Mostly we will only emerge stronger if we redefine ourselves.

No matter why we get stuck in something – we ourselves are the root. Only from there change can happen. If we do not change ourselves, our life, our reality, cannot change.

Alright! Then I just start to think differently!

Good luck with it.

Will not work.

Forget it!

I mean, if you don’t have a big issue with it, if you don’t have a serious emotional charge attached to it – then, yes, it can work. At least it’s a small start. But if that’s not the case, you will just have many and long „discussions“ and arguments against one of your „inner voices“. You will not win this fight this way. This is war with yourself and will only aggravate your inner condition.

Our evaluations are a decision from which perspective we choose to see things. Of course, this means that we can make and give other, new decisions, i.e., new evaluations regarding EVERYTHING. But as long as we have not discharged „the old“, as long as we are not clear about the definitions we have made – about whatever – we will be maltreated by the „old stuff“ of our old creation. That is the incredible power we have, we make LIVING and experiencing what we believe. And what we believe in, comes about through our very personal stream of evaluation.      

The experience of our human personality is a flowing process that is never really complete, because there are so many possibilities and perspectives that we can experience ourselves again and again. We are not a rigid, fixed matter – it sometimes only appears that way. There is a lot of room to readjust or change that. It is possible to make new, better, clearer evaluations about ourselves. But sometimes this is one of the hardest transformation processes one can undergo.

Refine your inner world and you refine your reality

Basically we are never „finished“ unless we stop learning.

Until next time same station

DISCLAIMER:

Nothing you read here is THE truth. It is my truth, my perception and how I see things – now, in this moment.

THE INFORMATION SPACE

[galactichoneybee92]

The Problem With Spinning Out and Zero Chill

Okay so spoilers. All the spoilers. Go into this at your own risk because every possible spoiler for both shows. Also: I will be speaking about these two shows with the assumption that readers have seen both and as such, will not need a summary of either. Okay, still here? Cool. 

I have no big hot take, just some observations that I would like to put out into the universe in regards to Netflix’s two most recent ice skating shows. Because I have a lot of thoughts, and also one big question for anyone who can maybe help me? 

For starters, Spinning Out and Zero Chill are both Netflix originals that premiered around approximately the same time, both of which feature figure skating as a backdrop for a lot of interpersonal drama surrounding the characters. It’s wonderful, because while I’m not very invested in sports I adore figure skating- It’s beautiful and fun to watch even if you don’t know a lot of the technical aspects or the names of the moves. However, for centering around the same sport the two shows are very different. Also, Spinning Out has already been confirmed to have been cancelled after the first season, while the future of Zero Chill is still up in the air.

In regards to personal preference, I liked Spinning Out a lot more than Zero Chill. It had a love story for me to invest myself in, as well as some messy, dramatic family dynamics, and overall the show was a lot more mature. I suspect that this may have actually been to the show’s detriment but that’s for later. In contrast, I found Zero Chill to be fluffy to the point of an ABC Family special. 

Do you remember those? Shows like Switched at Birth or Secret Life of the American Teenager, that tried to tackle big mature topics while keeping things family friendly? Do you remember how the writing was usually pretty sub par and the drama all seemed super contrived because there was only so much they could actually do within their given boundaries, so they made a much bigger deal out of small issues than they deserved? Yeah. Zero Chill felt like that. For example, the “hazing” from the hockey team was to...put balloons in his locker? And that was a...major diss? Worth getting super pissed? Idk. It’s just that, without the confines of being family-friendly day time programing, I have come to expect more from Netflix original programming. 

Alternatively, Spinning Out may have veered too far into the dark and gritty spectrum. If I had to guess where it failed, I would say that it introduced A LOT of drama, all within the first season and at times felt, overwrought. I think Spinning Out could have done with slowing down and taking a breath. Draw things out. Have the mother slowly escalate her abuse, stop and start with her medication, stretch out the love triangle between Kat, Justin, and Marcus. When I first started watching I thought that maybe Marcus would be Kat’s Luke Danes. Like throughout the show she dates other people, but eventually she realizes that she loves him and they end up together but...nope. The show established pretty early on that we were not going to have an epic, interracial friends to lovers romance. And I loved the enemies to lovers romance we got between her a Justin (Though I really think it should have taken longer. I liked that they hooked up before and that he was kinda low key pining but stretch it out. Sloooooooow buuuuuuuurn. Make it goooood. I want to feel the pining.) but it did feel like the cop out answer. And then they immediately introduce a black female character because apparently in the year 2021 we still have shows with exactly 2 black characters that are there to date each other. Like fuck, even South Park has made fun of that trope, it’s time to move past it. 

Secondly I think that it’s super out of character for Kat to ever go off her medicine, even if it is to help her skating. It’s the same way I felt when they introduced Ian’s mental Illness in Shameless. Like, maybe it’s a thing that people do and if you’ve known people that act this was in these scenarios than sure, maybe I’m wrong. But it just feels like they go to so much effort to show the effect that their parent’s mental illness has on them and their life when left untreated, they establish the characters as grown up too quickly, forced to mature due to their parent’s poor choices, and then just decide to have them follow in their mother’s footsteps when the plot demands more drama. I hated that as a choice for Ian and I hated it for Kat. Partly because I feel like it’s very out of character and cop-out writing, and also because I feel like if they had to do it at all it should have been later on in the series. 

One advantage that Zero Chill had for me over Spinning Out is that at least the characters were consistent. In this case I’m speaking mostly about Kayla, but also some of the others. Sure, I found Kayla’s impulsivity annoying instead of charming like I feel was the intent, but I liked her friendship with Skye arguably more than Kat’s friendship with Jenn. Mostly because Skye was pretty chill throughout the entirely of the show while Jenn would go from hot to cold and back. Do I think it’s stupid that Kayla and Skyle’s big storyline was “I want to skate with my BFF but regulations don’t allow it?” Yes. You’ve already established that Kayla doesnt care about competitions. The only time she ever did was because she wanted to skate with her OTHER BFF. So like....just skate now? You have Skye’s mom’s approval at this point, it doesn’t have to go anywhere. But at least the two seemed to genuinely be friends. Kat and Jenn started off with potential but then turned fairly toxic. Kat was never that supportive of Jenn, always wrapped up in her own stuff and Jenn just got crazy at the end there. I understand her being upset about Justin but then she learns that Kat is bipolar, you think theyre cool, and then she immediately throws that back in Kat’s face at the first inconvenient moment. 

Can I just say though, how much more interested I was when I thought the secret figure skater was someone on Mac’s hockey team? I was trying to guess which boy it secretly was and I thought that there would be a subplot about her trying to convince him to figure skate with her, but he would feel pressured by his parents to play hockey instead. And that would work as a foil to Ava, who wanted to play hockey but was instead forced to figure skate. And there would be an eventual romance because what can I say, I’m here for the romance. But no...it was Skye and then there was just that subplot about Mac wanting to date his sister’s only friend. And like, when I was trying to guess who it was I thought it might be Bear and that would be her romantic interest but....no. Bear just, also likes Skye. 

Also, is it some unwritten rule that for every white girl figure skater with brown hair, there must be an Asian best friend? This isnt a complaint, just an observation. 

And clearly I don’t ONLY have complaints. I thought that both shows ahd a promising premise, and I loved the relationship on Spinning Out. When Zero Chill actually bothered with real issues instead of contrived nothing issues, I think it did it pretty well. I liked the friendships and family dynamic better in Zero Chill, but wished that it would have been a little more mature like Spinning Out. I liked that the characters in Spinning Out were mostly adults and that it had a more adult tone, but I wish that they had dialed the melodrama back just a bit. What I really want, I supposed, is a combination of the two shows which leads nicely into my question for you all: 

I remember browsing Netflix months ago and seeing a figure skating show advertised, however it wasn’t either of these shows. It feels like these two shows were once one, and then got split up into two because I am completely unable to find the show I originally saw a commercial for. 

In that original ad there was a brother and sister, one who played hockey and one who figure skated. But the hockey brother was jealous of the sister because he felt like their parents prioritized her figure skating. So one day, before a big performance of hers, he met her right before the performance and yelled at her about how unfair everything was and it shook her up and when she went out on the ice she wasn’t focused. She slipped and fell, split her head open on the ice, and her confidence was shaken. 

But like...that wasn’t either of these shows so what the hell was it??? Were they once one? Was there some other show that hasn’t been released yet? Did I see it in a dream???? 

[steveandbucky]

I don’t understand if ur serious when u say that you’re anti fatws (esp bucky) lol???? for real?

yeah i think he’s not bucky. OOC. and like, not for stupid shit, but when it comes to stuff that matters. i always thought bucky has a solid moral compass (similar to steves). i mean just from what we’ve seen in canon, idk if this is just my own intrepratations, but anyway, i don’t agree with his actions, i dont agree with him asking sam to put his safety on the line with the ‘you helped steve with the accords i think you should help me’ ok bucky you were taken in as a refugee by an untouchable nation, sam was put into a supermax prison steve had to break him out of, and then was on the run as a fugitive for two years. the absolute NERVE.

and like, the man he breaks out of prison is z*mo? really? that’s his ABUSER. i don’t understand why no one else seems upset by this. that’s not bucky. OOC. if he wanted any help from z*mo, he could have asked for him to help from behind the bars he very much deserves to be behind. if he refused to help, oh well, too bad, buh bye. i dont understand who thought this was a good idea. are we forgetting z*mo intentionally triggered bucky into going into his winter soldier programming, which resulted in bucky killing again? the thing he did not want to do? he literally says, over and over again, ‘i dont do that anymore’ and ‘i dont want to kill anyone’ and ‘(resigned) wheres the fight’.

im not gonna describe *that scene* that triggered me very badly, if you dont know what im talking about im sorry but i cannot physically write the words. but im very very upset at the writers for a throwaway line that implies past sexual abuse* knowing FULL well the majority of their demographic who like bucky/identify with him are in fact women/afab, and like, going by the statistics alone, would find something like this 1. triggering and 2. a slap in the face. just, for why? what purpose did that line serve, actually? was it necessary? for plot progession? (*though, i maintain, z*mo doesnt know shit, he’s being a dick bc thats half his personality, and talking shit bc thats the other half of his personality). but yeah. one of the major reasons i dont like whoever it was that writes bucky in this show.

another thing, the obsession with the shield? putting all that blame onto sam? i mean... i understand he’s upset about being abandoned by his best friend (and arguably only friend, i guess?) but like. shut up about the shield. shut up about the shield!!! where’s the ‘the little guy from brooklyn, im following him’ like bucky never gave a shit about captain america. whats going on through his head actually? bc like.. if there’s things he’s not saying, we won’t fucking know about them, will we?

i honestly dont know what the writers are doing, i don’t know whether they’re completely misunderstanding his characer, or trying to foreshadow bucky going to the dark side, or whats going on. bc at this point he looks more like an antagonist at the very least, if not outright villain.

the only accurate bucky content i have seen so far is like, him and sam acting like a married couple, him making nerdy references, and the flashback scene in wakanda which is the only time i have seen sebastian stan actually acting.

i don’t know who this fool is, but it’s not bucky.

as for the show in general, im not liking what im seeing, and no i dont need to watch it to form an opinion. not gonna put myself through however many hours of mediocre content. i never had high hopes about it, but this half-assed storyline with the flag smashers (clearly a poor attempt at portraying antifas as the enemy), the super soldier serum, the dollar store captain america, z*mo??? why is he even here????

sam not having enough of the spotlight...in his own goddamn show... like. idk. i think he deserved something of his own. a better storyline. something that’s about *him*, his life, his struggles. with bucky as his sidekick. sam, pretending to be too sensible to run into crazy shit, bucky, resigned, being dragged along, being sam’s wingman, his support. *thats* their dynamic. from what i have seen about sam’s scenes, he seems to be more or less in character, imo, but i just... feel like he’s being sidelined. in his own show.

THE THERAPY/THERAPIST. I hate EVERYTHING about it. from her demeanor, attitude towards her client, not addressing him by his preferred name, her judgmental tone/statements, her belittling/dismissing bucky’s pain, her ‘rules’ and just. everything. everything. for ONCE i would like to see an ACCURATE portrayal of therapy in media. because it’s the opposite. the exact opposite of this. there’s a long thread from twitter i reblogged that goes more into detail, but i think like, it’s one of those things that really piss me off. therapy is about creating a safe space, putting your patients comfort first, listening, empathising, not judging, not mocking, not disrespecting, helping your patient open up, help them recover and make progress at their own pace. i mean. its so disgusting to see this. i’ve never had professional psychologist training, not as part of my degree or anything else, and i wrote a fic with steve going to therapy that’s 100% better than this bullshit we’re being served (and at the time i wrote the fic, i had never been to therapy, only counselling, which is very different). how come? why cant they, with their budget and their resources, their ability to conduct extensive research and even hire consultants, not do a better job with this part of the show? disappointing. truly.

maybe i don’t know exactly what’s going on, plotwise, or whatever, but like, if i dont like what i’m seeing, why would i invest more time to find out more about the show? the mcu has been steadily declining since 2016, lets be real. civil war, infinity war, endgame... this was all an absolute shitshow. fatws can only do so much with the canon they are being given to work with, without outright retconning everything, but even so... it’s weak. i always thought the writers wouldnt be able to write anything thats half as good as the stuff fans come up with and... i think i was right.

thanks for the question.

[shutupandshipit]

Sharpen your blades - Ch.2

Summary: “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

The thinning of Aizawa’s patience was evident in the twitching of his brow. “If you stop asking questions, maybe I could finish explaining.

”With a huff and roll of his eyes, Katsuki glanced away from their coach.

“City Hall and the SC want us to give them more variety. We are a team solely made up of single skaters. Every year, we dominate the rankings for single skate while Shinketsu dominates the pairs, so this year both cities are being required to split their skaters evenly between singles and pairs with at least one pair coming from out top five.” There was a collective intake of breath, but no one commented, choosing instead to remain silent. “Unfortunately, for us, it’s a lot easier to switch from pairs to singles. With our male to female ratio, alpha/beta/omega ratio, and those of you actually experienced with pair skating, we’re at a disadvantage. So, I’ve decided to choose your partners for you.”

…..

Or where Katsuki and Izuku are forced to be partners so they can continue to compete, but the blood in the water may be thicker than anyone realized.

Pairing: Bakudeku

Rating: T

Chapter: 2/20

Previously <- Chapter 1: Pairs

Chapter 3: Training -> Next

Chapter 2: Refusal

Katsuki laughed as he spun faster and faster, holding Izuku’s hands so that when his feet left the ice, he stayed in the air. The Death Spiral was their favorite trick to modify, and as they got older, they got bolder. They hadn’t been allowed to include this particular modification in competition, but Katsuki knew they’d get to one day.

That wouldn’t be for another couple of years, but that just meant they had time to improve together and individually.

Their coach, a tall spindly beta man, called from the rink entrance. “Alright, everyone! Come gather over here for a moment. I’ve got some announcements to make!”

Izuku’s blades bit back into the ice as they slowed, still laughing. “Are you excited, Kacchan? You put in for the single skate events this year, right?” he asked, grinning as they meanered away from center ice. They weren’t the only ones taking their time, but they were the furthest from the entrance.

Nodding, Katsuki’s eyes found the dusty yet still colorful ribbons and trophies that lined the ledge of the announcer’s booth. “Yeah, wanted to try it out. Can’t get better if I’m never alone, and I want my name to be up there! Right where all those first place trophies are. I’m going to be better than anyone else! You too, right?”

Izuku nodded enthusiastically, cheeks flushed pink. “We’ve never gotten to skate on our own before. I think it’ll be fun. But I want to skate as a pair in the December preliminaries before we go to seniors.”

“Don’t worry about that, dumbass, that’s years away! We’ll still skate pairs before then. Just not this year.”

Izuku nodded, but didn’t reply as they finally slid up to the forming group of skaters. They were all ages from the youngest being 3-years-old to the oldest being 17-years-old, but even at ten, Izuku still looked tiny compared to everyone else. Taking his hand, Katsuki pulled him around to an opening between bodies, and shoved him through so they could both see what was going on.

Their hands never left each other.

“Good, good, everyone is here,” Coach said, eyes scanning over them, “So, we all know that the April showcase in Yuuei is coming up. Is everyone excited?” The group cheered. “Fantastic! I have the skating assignments right here! Is everyone ready to hear them?” The group cheered again, deafening in the echoing space of the rink. “Great! I’ll start with our pairs. I’m happy to officially welcome Midoriya and Bakugou as our Alpha/Omega pair! They presented just two weeks ago, and I’m sure you can guess who presented as what.” He chuckled, but the sentiment wasn’t echoed by the group.

Katsuki’s ears burned.

The other skaters were dead silent, all eyes finding them as the scent of burning charcoal slowly filled the air. Even at ten, Katsuki’s temper was volatile, only made worse by Izuku’s sickly sweet embarrassed scent. Like rotting fruit.

Sure, everyone could smell that they’d had first rut and heat, but it just wasn’t something people commented on. Going through puberty was embarrassing enough without everyone also knowing when they presented. Everyone just knew, and that was that.

Someone cleared their throat. One of the older skaters, an alpha woman with long white hair and brown skin, spoke up, “Um, Coach, I might be mistaken, but both Deku and Kacchan put in for single skate this year. We all thought it would be a good idea for them to get experience on their own.”

“No, no, you’re right,” Coach said flippantly, “but I decided otherwise. Why fix something that isn’t broken. It looks better for us as a team to have an Alpha/Omega pair, and it’ll be easier for them to win since same-sex pairs are unconventional.”

The rest of the older skaters shifted uncomfortably, expressions morphing as the alpha spoke up again. “That’s really not the point here. The point is for them to have fun and experience new things. There’s others of us who pair skate.”

Katsuki was burning from the inside out, anger stealing the words from his throat. He didn’t think he’d ever been so angry before.

“The point,” Coach said with emphasis, “is to make our team look good. Looking good equals more attention which equals more money. Which is important to keeping this rink up and running. Skating isn’t about having fun, it’s about winning. They’re better together than either of them ever would be alone. So if Bakugou and Midoriya want to continue to skate with our team, then they’ll skate pairs. That’s that. End of discussion. Anyone who has an issue with that can take their chances finding a different team.” With a wave of his hand, he continued down the list of pairs as if there had never been an interruption.

Grinding his teeth, Katsuki ripped his hand from Izuku’s. He ignored the hurt whine that came from the other boy.

The alpha that had tried to defend them shouldered passed the coach with a hissed, “Fuck you,” just loud enough for the entire team to hear over his talking. She grabbed her guards and her gear, and they never saw her at practice again. When the coach got fired two years later though, they knew she was behind it. Too bad it was too little, too late.

…..

Rage roared through Katsuki, and suddenly, the burning charcoal scent of his anger crowded out Izuku’s acidic anxiety scent from his nose. Blood thrummed loudly in his ears as his temperature rose with each beat of his heart, much like the first time he’d been required to partner with Izuku. It had always been their choice until it hadn’t been, and that pissed him off more than anything.

He couldn’t even hear Aizawa’s next words.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” he exploded, forcing himself not to look at Izuku when he heard the little unconscious whine the omega made. A sound that had his alpha screaming at him to ‘ calm, scent, protect, calm, help, protect .’ He hated it, hated the instinctual need, wished he could rip his alpha right from his chest. “This is a fucking joke, right? You expect me to fucking skate with him ?”

Aizawa slowly lifted his eyes from his clipboard, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yes, I do. You two are the best for this despite the fact you can barely speak civilly to each other for more than a moment.”

A manic laugh spilled from Katsuki’s mouth, and the teammates near him took careful steps back. “That’s a joke! That has to be a goddamn joke!”

Yaoyorozu’s hand shot into the air, worry etched into her features. Katsuki wanted to rip it from her arm. “I also don’t understand, Coach. Surely it’d be more beneficial to pair myself with Shouto or Midoriya, wouldn’t it?”

‘ Yes, agree. Switch Izuku’s goddamn partner. I can’t- ’ he thought desperately, but knew Aizawa wouldn’t.

“No. The program I’ve selected for the top rank is going to be difficult. Even if it weren’t, I can’t have someone who has never skated pairs trying to master it in just three months. We just don’t have the time to get you up to that skill level. On top of that, I’m not going to move two of my top three over to pairs when Bakugou and Midoriya have skated pairs previously. They are also the bottom of my top five. They’re the best option to make partners,” Aizawa explained, voice growing monotone the longer he spoke.

Katsuki couldn’t and wouldn’t skate with Izuku again! It just wasn’t going to fucking happen! This felt like the last time they were paired up for their dynamics, and he hated the sick black feeling that bloomed in his chest. Every rank dropped, every point lost, every mistake made flashed through his mind as if they’d happened yesterday.

He could still remember the sound of Izuku hitting the ground, the failed catch, the other skaters’ gasps even as no one moved. The smell of blood thick in his nose, his hands trembling, the anguish on Izuku’s face.

He hadn’t been the one to throw him, but he was still at fault in the end.

“I’m not skating with Deku!”

Aizawa’s eyes returned to Katsuki along with the rest of his teammates, stony and set. “Yes, you will. If you don’t, I’ll drop you from the team and you can find another to skate with. With your legendary attitude, I can’t imagine many would want you. Your choice.”

He was being forced into a corner again, given an ultimatum that wasn’t really a choice at all. If it was between skating and never skating again, there wasn’t a decision to be made. The blackness in his chest only expanded, spreading through his chest and up into his throat, choking him.

He ground his teeth together savagely, an ache sprouting in his jaw. “What the fuck ever, but I’m not practicing with him. Fuck that.” It was stupid, he knew it was. Eventually, he would have to practice with Izuku. Eventually, he’d have to eat his own words. There was no way around it, not if they wanted to have any chance of actually placing. That didn’t mean he couldn’t master his part of the skate to the most minor of hand placements before attempting the larger tricks with him.

He wasn’t going to be the one to let Izuku get hurt again.

Rolling his eyes, Aizawa seemed to be done with the argument. For now. “As long as you don’t make us look like a group of fools at the charity event, I don’t care how you figure it out. No deaths, no injuries and no stupid mistakes. Now, back to what I was saying. If anyone else wants to waste my time today, just leave.”

No one left the rink, but Katsuki shoved away from the wall with a snarl and found his way to Kirishima and Ashido’s sides. The pair were grinning at him, Kirishima placatingly and Ashido goadingly. He didn’t wait for them to say anything. “Pinky, I’m going to need to borrow you for practice.”

Her smile was sharp as she ruffled her pink spikes. “Not even going to ask first?”

“Are you going to say no?”

She shrugged her pink clad shoulders. “No, as long as you help me with my program. I’m competing too, and I’m going to need time to practice.”

“Sure, whatever. Just need you for the stuff I can’t do on my own. Lifts, death spiral, that shit.”

“I can help, but why not just practice with your partner? Hm? I’ve seen the videos, Bakubro, you two were really good. You used to tear up the ice,” she needled, and Kirishima shot her a reproachful glance.

He sighed and smiled at Katsuki. “Listen, man, I don’t want to like pry or anything, but I think you should just practice with him too. Maybe if you talk?”

“Shut it. None of that is either of your business. Just fucking leave it,” Katsuki snapped.

They shrugged, and let the topic drop even if it wasn’t for good.

…..

Izuku hadn’t been able to pay attention to Aizawa after that, his mind racing in circles to figure out what he could do. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone, and he was sure that no matter who Katsuki practiced with, he’d be able to perform with Izuku when the time came no matter what. It was Izuku himself that he was worried about.

There were a lot of things he could practice alone. Foot work and jumps synced to the milli-second with whatever track Aizawa chose for them. His costume and hair. Hand placement. Endurance. There were also a lot of things that he couldn’t do by himself that were, in retrospect, the most important aspects of their performance.

Those included, but were not limited to, lifts and throws. To put it simply, he couldn’t perform any of the tricks alone.

Pair skating required an astounding amount of trust and understanding between partners, just like anything else where two people were working together. The only person he truly and completely trusted on the ice anymore was himself. That was no one’s issue, but his own. Now, he didn’t have a choice. While he knew he could trust Katsuki and his caliber, was sure that Katsuki would never drop or fail to catch him, he didn’t know if he could let himself be that vulnerable again. He didn’t want to disappoint Katsuki when he couldn’t bring himself to do a trick, and he didn’t know if Katsuki could understand why he couldn’t.

They hadn’t been able to understand each other for a long time.

Aizawa had made a terrible mistake.

With each beat of Izuku’s heart, phantom pain flared from his hip to his ankle, from elbow to wrist. It had been eight years since he got hurt, but the fear that it might happen again followed him every time he stepped out onto the ice.

“Midoriya.” Todoroki snapped Izuku out of his own thoughts with a hand on his shoulder, and he glanced up to find the others dispersing. Most pushed back out onto the ice, some sat down to put their heads together, others stuck around to ask Aizawa questions. His friends were still standing close though; Iida, Uraraka, Asui, and Tokoyami. “Most of my pair work has been as lead, so I can help you practice until Bakugou pulls his head out of his ass.”

Izuku wanted to protest, to say that it wasn’t all Katsuki’s fault, but he couldn’t find the words. Couldn’t make his lips move to form the ones he did have.

“Is that really wise?” Iida asked seriously as he leaned down to remove his guards and step out onto the ice. He remained at the wall, face tense. “Pair skating is already difficult enough, but practicing without your intended partner…”

“I have to wonder the same thing,” Tokoyami sighed, glancing over his shoulder towards where Katsuki was briskly correcting Kirishima’s clumsy pick placement, “Wouldn’t that cause more problems than it solves?”

Asui placed a considering finger against her lips. “It seems odd that he’s so against it too. I know he’s smarter than he’s acting right now, so I’m surprised he’d take the risk.”

“Not only that, but you’ll have to practice too, Todoroki! Wouldn’t it just be better to practice with him from the beginning?” Uraraka asked earnestly, “Why is he so against it anyway? I know you two haven’t gotten along in a long time, but this seems excessive. Coach Aizawa isn’t asking you to be friends, he’s just asking you to skate. I thought Bakugou knew how to compartmentalize better than this.”

‘ Then you don’t know, Kacchan .’ Izuku didn’t say that out loud, even if he wanted to. He sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. After a moment, he smiled. “Kacchan isn’t the only one with reservations. It’s just… there’s a lot that we haven’t worked through.” Read: that he hasn’t worked through. Nothing that happened when they were younger was Katsuki’s fault, at least Izuku didn’t see it that way.

His friends rolled their eyes. “You don’t have to make excuses for him,” Todoroki said, leaning forward to check his laces before standing.

Except that he wasn’t. His friends and teammates knew that Izuku and Katsuki had both skated pairs for most of their childhood and knew each other through their mothers. What no one knew was that Katsuki had been his partner most of that time. His friends didn’t know everything that they went through after they presented. They didn’t know why they had decided to go singles after skating pairs for so long. They didn’t know exactly how Izuku had gotten hurt. Maybe one day he’d be able to tell them, but every time he remembered that he spent an entire year thinking he’d never skate again, it just made his breath grow short and his heart beat fast.

They didn’t even know that Toshinori and Aizawa were the only reason he was still skating now.

Swallowing thickly, Izuku forced a smile as he allowed Todoroki to help him to his feet. “I’m not.”