#one day i hope she'll get her priorities straight

[introvert-in-hiding]

Nothing annoys me as much as my sister. At this point I'm half convinced it's physiological.

"Don't baby me"

Sure then stop acting as if I l'm your legal guardian or something

[livelovesimallways]

"Prayed Up....." 🎵

(Previous)

(Previous following Dana's story)

Moses and I finally arrived home a couple of days ago after an amazing honeymoon. We spent nearly three months traveling, relaxing and enjoying the best parts of what make us...us. After taking some time for ourselves, letting our friends and family know we were back became top priority. While I reached out on my end, Moses was reluctant to do the same. He says he wants to, "protect his peace", which leads me to believe something serious is going on. Although I fully understand where he is coming from, avoiding things never helps. I just hope that, "protecting his peace", doesn't make a situation worse or leave people in the dark.

Later on that day.....

"So hold on...Let me get this straight...Sean was messing around with that Julia chick outside of Dana's rules? Deanna found out and told her?"

"Basically..."

"Damn...I wonder why she didn't tell me? It seemed like everything was going well. She even sent me their finished wedding plan." *sounding confused*

"Maybe it is for her. She probably feels like what's done is done. Shit, my moms used to get like that whenever my father got caught."

"Humph...I remember having those days myself. You're probably right. Now I feel terrible. Dana isn't the type to come crying about her problems either. She'll tell you, but won't get emotional about it. She keeps a lot bottled up."

"Yeah she's a good ass person too. She don't deserve that shit." *looks down then shakes his head*

"So was this why you were avoiding calls?"

"I mean it's part of it. Sean's been like my brother since high school, but him still doing dumb shit just ain't sittin right with me. I thought he was makin progress but, that ain't the case. I don't know if I want to be around all that. Too much potential to have me in some shit."

"In some shit like?...."

"Being put on the spot to cover, or getting questioned over something he did."

"But that only happened once right?" *narrows her eyes*

"You really want me to answer that? Shit, we both know not to ask questions we really don't want the answers to. You're gonna feel obligated to tell her and neither one of us is trying to stir up past things. She knows what kind of dude she has. Obviously we want better for her, but she's sticking beside him. There's no need to dig."

*sighs* "Fine...I'll leave it alone. What's done in the dark always comes to light anyway, so..." *her phone starts ringing, cutting her off* "Oh look, it's Nica, another person you've been avoiding. I'll put it on speaker."

A Few Days Later.......

"I'm just not understanding why you won't tell your sister you're pregnant? Like, I know it's not ideal, but you're in a good place. You're starting your career at that tech giant and you can stay here as long as you want. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me, I've seen worse. The train wreck that is my father is a great example, and he's a multi-millionaire. You have a village: your sister, me and my family. You just have to embrace it. "

"Look...Mimi I get you're trying to help, but please leave it alone. That's not why..." *get choked up*

"Then what is it? I'm here for you, seriously..."

*whispers* "Fuck...."

"Damn...Umm...I didn't mean to upset you. You don't have to..."

"No, I do. Just please don't judge until you hear everything. The reason why I'm scared to tell her is because it's Sean's baby..." *tells her their entire history*

"Whew...That's a lot." *pauses for a few seconds* "Sleeping with your sister's man is foul as fuck, Dee. I get the whole college and first love thing before they met, but she's the one with him now...Has been for the past what, six years? And now a baby? You have to tell her before she marries this man."

"I know...I will..."

"This is crazy but, as much as I want to rant, I feel bad for you. He's manipulated this entire situation since you were eighteen. He was twenty-four and he knew to take advantage of your naivety. Now he says he loves you? He's full of shit and is using that as a way to keep you quiet and around." *pauses in thought* "Shit!..."

"What's wrong?"

"Remember a few days ago you were throwing up a lot?"

"Yeah?..."

"Well, I got scared and called Nica for advice. She had a rough first trimester so I figured she could help. I told her it was for you."

"Do you think she told anyone?" *extra concerned*

"I mean, it's possible, but that was a few days ago. I feel like if your sister knew she would've been knocking on the door. I'm gonna call Nica and check. But regardless, Dana's gonna find out sooner or later. You can't hide a baby bump and Sean's family has some strong genes. When the baby comes out looking like him..."

"Girl!...I get it. Can you please just call your sister for me? I'll figure it out from there."

To Be Continued......

Next

[strawberriesancreamdrpepper]

I haven't updated in awhile about my life so here it is.

outside of not really losing much my after school gym classes start next week. it's kind of nice bc the gym teacher is my English teacher and she's really nice so hopefully she'll just let me run the whole time. I'm also going to start going to the planet fitness in my town again instead of my treadmill bc it's starting to get below freezing in the garage and I can't run in there. me and the girl I have a crush on are hanging out again tmrw, and I'm really excited. we're going to meet up in the outskirts of the city and then go back to her place to do homework. I baked her and her family cookies because I wanted to make a good first impression. hope I didn't do tm or seem like I'm too idk like I'm courting her. In a weird way. Idk. Anyway I've had a lot of homework and midterms are coming up before break starts so it's kind of difficult to stay active when I spend all my time sleeping doing homework excersising or thinking about her. honestly it's taking up a lot of time I sort of wish I could js get it over with and ask her out so I don't think abuut it all day. but I don't want to do it too soon even though I think she likes me back. she's been flirting I think, I asked one of my other friends who knows I have a crush on her and I sent her some of the texts we've had and she says that it's definitely flirting. not in a weird way but she has autism so I don't know how good she is at reading this type of social situation cause personal interactions is a struggle for her but I'm going off that. I really want to ask her out by the time Christmas break comes, I was thinking like the Thursday before the last day of school so that if she does end up saying she doesn't like me back I have the whole break to recouperate and be ready to face it when we go back. she's so pretty and funny though I just really like her. I haven't felt so happy in a long time. it's honestly taking my mind off my eating disorder, and that's sort of a relief. I love my an@ but sometimes it's tiring when all I think Abt is c@ls. she may be catching on a bit bc she keeps bringing me apples and asking if I eat them. I tell her no bc I don't and I don't want to lie to her but an@ always comes first. that's why I'm always hesitant to talk to people cause they don't deserve to deal with my problems but if I just hide it it won't really affect them? as long as I don't complain about it yk. I told her protocol if I pass out in front of her, because it may or honestly probably will happen at some point. she seemed a little freaked out and I hope I didn't scare her off but idk. but she texts me good morning everyday and like we text almost non stop and we've hung out when we can at school. tmrw I'm helping her catch up bc she was sick last week and fell behind in school. and I also have a lot of hw and I need to do some stuff so I will probably js try and get it all done and stuff and I'm sure it'll be fine. If my grades start to drop though I will have to put a little distance between us bc I have my priorities straight yk. I really want her to ask me out first cause I don't want to do it but also she's never dated anyone before so I don't really think she'll do it? Bc I've dated ppl before and she might feel weird idk. but idk. I feel awful about it sometimes. like whenever im not actively talking to her sometimes my mind js drifts and I come up with all the different reasons she would hate me and all the stuff I've said and done wrong with talking to her and how like she probably won't ever talk to me again and once she finds out how I'm actually like she will leave and never talk to me again like all my friends before her. idk I don't deserve friends atp. I think I'm ruined. but at least I have an@ and my grades. that's the only things I can really control atp and at least it keeps me busy and gives me a reason to keep going. even though I consider myself a terrible broken person I've been feeling really good recently. haven't binged in a bit which is nice. trying to yk not do that.

okay that's a lot so I think I'm going to go finish my laundry and go to sleep cause it's like almost 11pm rn. hope u enjoyed reading my rant about my life xx

[hiriajuu-suffering]

I still have no idea if you're worth the choice

Steph. Oh I didn't think 2 weeks later after we lost any method of communication I'd still be pulling my hair out over a missed opportunity in my thirties, but here we are.

Intrigued. That's the word that always gets me. I can get a woman's intrigue but then I repulse her just as easily, like I did you. Intersectionality is always a difficult thing to be tasteful about when it invites dissent.

I thought you were better. You were so quick to sacrifice your ideals when something looked promising, that it would allow you to grasp at a strand of happiness when, without principle, those manifestations are, at best, fleeting. I'm not sure what I began resenting you for first - that you gave up your ideals on romanticizing against them or you were quick to see me as hostile when you knew you compromised our potential for it.

I never thought I'd say it, since we barely had more than a conversation or two, but

I miss you.

I didn't think it would happen to me. I wanted to do everything in my power to let the place you made for yourself in my heart fade away and eventually be gentrified, but it's not going away.

But this one's different. Different because we never met, did we? Our hearts connected then our minds clashed, but we never actually got to see each other eye-to-eye. You're the only reason I was even considering trying to break into Anime Boston, just Gatsby my polyamory panel hoping for a reinvigoration in your intrigue over me.

Maybe I didn't want to be right, but that's why the one means of connection we had left collapsed. I also know you'll never really see that. The minute an ugly, straight, cisgendered man says things provocative enough to garner hostility towards a few women, that was enough, wasn't it?

It wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth losing the tiny sparks we had despite never directly interacting meaningfully. I hate that I let myself watch and even be creepy at all, see you through some highs and lows not to stalk you but just to feel alright that you were doing okay. And you weren't a lot of the time. I wish you I could say for certain you're better off without me, because you certainly believe it.

I don't even need you to apologize for demonizing me, I'd still take you back in a heartbeat. I saw enough beauty behind your intentions that you burning a bridge means I'd just have to climb and swim.

The last thing I learned in undergrad was Goetheing my missed opportunities just led me down a path of envy and resentment. I look at my past self with a bit of disgust with just how much I denied myself on self-righteousness alone. I find myself making the same mistake again. With you. So as much as I'm apologizing to you, I'm apologizing to myself, as well.

If Steph is to slip me by - like Ash, like Fari, like Z.C., like L.L., like H.B., like J.P., like K.S., like N.V., like A.J., like V.E., like A.T., like B.R., like S.S., like S.V. - that's 15 lives I could've had: a slew of possibilities I refused to acknowledge until I actually let my personality disorder(s) fester in their energy.

Living the same regret, the fifteenth time, it's tough to bear. Even if they would pick the bear.

I don't want to let tokki represent that for me because I didn't give her the kind of shot I gave the last four: one of kindness and vulnerability. I decided to boast and flex, not put something out to show her she was a priority. Letting this go without taking every potshot I can feels wrong.

Maybe I'll find a way to reach her, one day. Until that day, another amazing and wonderful soul to drink over how I failed her. To spend moments alone on how it should be us keeping up.

I'm an idiot. If only because my anger over the normative ethics in the world forces my mind to wallow in melancholy instead of see just that many more steps ahead. I'm guarded to a fault.

But, for her, I wanted to let myself go again.

I can always romanticize the idea

but I know she'll never care to look that far into my heart.

That's the sadness I'll be feeling.

I really started searching for a convention girlfriend 2 years ago?

Fuck, does polyamory have its ways of humbling you.

Delta H Con, AnimeFest, Colossalcon Texas, San Japan

I got four more straws

Surely they can't all be duds...

aha..

:/

[sparkler-sleet]

a reminder for me to look back at in three months: september 27

9:20AM

We got told on Thursday that my only living grandmother might have cancer. Called it a particularly serious case. Said she'll be referred by the end of this week. I haven't really been doing anything else since; I've perhaps overstayed my welcome at her house, but she doesn't want to be alone and I don't want her to be out of reach. Right now she feels too delicate a subject to leave and come back to, in case coming back isn't really in the question. Anyway, after the doctor left last Thursday, she asked me rather feebly if I would think about chumming her along; my father's ten percent man and ninety percent temper, and he isn't really sure what he'd say if his mother was told she was dying. I told her that of course I'll come with you. We can leave Dad in the car, I'll take you for a coffee afterwards. A little girly morning. She laughed, but I guess little girly mornings wouldn't really appeal to me if the subject of mortality was involved at the same time.

So I've been staying with her recently. Two weeks now. Usually I live with my mother and I'm beginning to really miss her. Of course, we talk, our phones are rarely disconnected. But phone calls aren't the same as blocking her bedroom doorway at night so she can't go to bed and leave me sitting on my own. My mother is my best friend, which is embarrassing now, but I'm sure will become very valuable in the future when I don't have that luxury.

We heard nothing back from the doctor yet, which is wreaking havoc on our mental healths, our day-to-days and our patience; my father and I aren't great friends right now and probably won't be until we find out that she will be okay. But perhaps the delay in contact is a blessing, for on Monday, I was invited to a job interview this Friday. Work is scarce where I live, particularly in the field of my career, and I've been unemployed since July. It's the first time in my life that I've been neither employed nor studying, and that too destroyed what was left of my basic sanity. Spring cleans have become calendar-worthy and my library has doubled in size since summer began. And, not too long before I was about to lose hope in any of my job applications, up popped a job in what looks to be the best school in town. The staff are nice, the kids are well-mannered, overtime is available and all of my specialities in teaching are what they're looking for. So it wasn't entirely unexpected when I received this email.

And this is all great, and I'm praying and wishing and crossing fingers for this job, because not only do I really need it but I really want it-I miss helping out and making children smile when they fall and scrape their knee-but I know deep down that if my Nana's hospital appointment cropped up at eleven o'clock on Friday, I'd have been there and my interview would have had to be moved.

The time away from work has given me a lot of thinking space, and I, admittedly, now feel like an entirely different person to the one who could barely see straight for anxiety in her old workplace. That person's first and only priority was work, and she run herself into the ground so badly that she couldn't even sit and form a sentence in an interview regarding extending her contract. This person, if she gets the job, will not do that. Work will be her first and only priority while she is at work, and then she will come home and her brain and her hobbies will be her first and her only priorities. Because I love helping vulnerable children, but that isn't all I am. I want to be an author, I'm amidst the first full draft of my first proper, serious novel. I have a new-found love for baking and also drawing which I never used to like and I am also trying my utmost to make some friends, which is a task I have never taken on throughout my whole life. Friends who will be proud if I get the job but will be equally as proud if I survive a rejection again.

So things are a little wish-washy. After months and months of nothing at all, no feelings or emotions or things to do, so suddenly everything has amped up. I have mountains of excitement for this interview, but I still sink so deeply into the ocean at night when it's dark and I think I might lose my grandmother. But oddly enough, nothing feels overwhelming just yet. I'm not freaking out over anything, these are just things that are happening and nothing that I can do will change either situation. I will try my best at the interview and I will hold my nana's hand while she receives her results, and the true action for me to take will be reacting and surviving both outcomes.

[dopamine-deficiency]

I just realised my best friend, closest friend of 10 years just rejected going out to even a quick lunch with me on my birthday. And its on the one day that my bday is on a public holiday so neither of us would be busy. Like I just checked my calendar again. And I dont think she knows either.

Idk why I feel hurt abt it?? I mean we both barely see/talk to each other nowadays, and I know I dont have the same value to her as she does to me. But I thought at the very least, she'd apologise for not being able to make it instead of just rejecting straight up.

She's having a meeting, then going to church to support her other friends. She isnt even a jesus stan. She doesnt even subscribe to jesus bro she's buddhist. I...just dont know. What to do anymore.

I ran out of my hse when she called me crying. I dont think shed do the same for me. And I dont expect her to do so. But at least...she couldve apologised.

Like I always knew at the back of my mind I dont have much value/worth to know. I know im not her #1 bestie. But she is to me and I just feel broken now that ive had time to sit down and realise this.

Not that I have any ill-wishing against her. She has a lot on her plate. A lot of exams, studies, chores and personal problems in her life. I get that our relationship is not a priority. But idk I just miss her a lot. I really want to hang out and catchup with her but I always feel intrusive whenever I offer to because I know theres a super high possibility she'll reject because of her having a lot more things in life now as a young adult than we did as children.

I mean my other best friend is still down to hang with me(if her situation allows it) and Im grateful. I LOVE HER SM I WISH HER ALL THE HOPE AND SUCCESS IN LIFE.

The child in me who was stuck to her at the hip is hurt.

[worriedvision]

Here's part 3 of the Gorou Hanahaki fic! I was gonna do an alternative ending but I thought of something better lol, it's fluffy at the end I can assure you! I'm gonna go to sleep, but after I wake up I'm gonna link the other parts to this fic!

--

The next few weeks, Gorou had been stuck with work in Watatsumi island, but he'd rather that than any possible teasing from Yae Miko. Chances are, she probably knew about your condition long before Heizou even figured it out. Gorou scolded himself for being so stupid as to make a statement voicing his fake disgust to stop people teasing him, because now he lost you.

Or that's what he thought.

--

The next week, Her Excellency asks for Gorou to go to the Grand Narukami Shrine. Immediately knowing it was Yae Mikos doing, Gorou stands up straight, fearing what she would say to him now. Maybe she'll rub it in, maybe she'll tell him off for being as silly as he was.

The boat ride over wasn't long, and Gorou was not the least bit thankful of this. After he thanked the boatman, he begins to walk up to the location mentioned by Kokomi. The sooner he gets this out of the way, the sooner he can go back to starting to forget how happy you made him feel.

--

Yae Miko stands, hoping that Gorou wouldn't get cold feet. As much as she enjoyed teasing people, she didn't particularly enjoy these sets of circumstances. Gorou was so fun to tease, but she heard that Gorou became closed off. After finding out through word of mouth that you had gotten the surgery before she permitted it, she wanted to find out how she could fix the problem.

Especially because, the man standing before her now just took every teasing comment. He didn't react at all, nodding when she would be pointing out how low his mood looked.

Gorou finds out that he was to stay in the main part of Inazuma, and he deflates.

"W-wait, I don't like this." Gorou protests weakly. "I can't fix this mistake."

Yae Miko giggles to herself.

He couldn't, but she certainly could.

-

Yae Miko makes a visit to your house, and she looks over to see Heizou preparing your nightly medication. Looking at the ingredients, she knew he had no I'll intentions - he had just proceeded in the way most people would.

Before he could finish grinding the powders together and mixing them into the water waiting vigilantly, she walks over. Heizou looks over, waving casually. Yae Miko gets him to stay quiet.

"I see you convinced them to have the surgery." She tuts into his ear. "A true shame."

"Well, I can't say I had a choice." Heizou starts, equally as quiet. "I had a hunch Gorou had started to-"

"I presume you heard me ask for them to wait, no?" Yae Miko cuts him off, looking down at the medications. "These medicines only function to allow them to forget about Gorou, but I have a feeling you don't need to give it." Yae Miko looks Heizou in the eye, seeing him process her words.

Heizou knew better than to go against her words. Sure, he knew Yae Miko was a teaser, but he also knew that when she had a grudge, she was scary. He nods slowly, but he utters one last thing.

"I hope you don't plan to watch them contract this disease again." Heizou teases.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

--

You got glorified water for the next few days, only coloured with a digestible dye as to keep you from catching on to the medicine no longer being administered.

The next day, you see a man that your heart had ached for. A man that you knew you had no chance with. In your mind, Gorou was only these for book collection. Why else would he be there? It's not like you were exactly a priority to him. While you still didn't know his name, you remembered his physical appearance.

The day after that, you remember him being a General. He cared for all his troops equally, and you vaguely remember being one of them. You also remember thinking he liked you a bit more because you'd hang out with him more, but in your mind that wasn't the case.

The third day, you remember the day he had been vocally against the idea of you dating. You feel yourself growing embarrassment from being do attracted to the man. The way he exaggerated his actions with the words didn't sit right with you, part of you feeling like you shouldn't have seen he wasn't into you.

The fourth day, you remember the horrible person that Gorou claimed to be his type. You remember the person showing visible disgust when an unconventionally cute animal came into their vision, only liking the "cute" cats and dogs.

The fifth day, Gorou approaches you. Before you can turn to leave, he grasps your wrist.

"Please, let me explain myself." Gorou stops you, puppy eyes matching his words. Unable to comfortably get yourself away, you decide to just let him let you down nicely. Maybe he'll explain that you would find someone 'better' than him, maybe he even found someone who liked you.

But why did he not just send them over to talk to you?

"I have feelings for you." Gorou stops your overactive imagination. "Feelings that I haven't got much experience on." He elaborates.

You shake your head, not believing it.

"Don't give me false hope, please. You said it yourself - I'm not your type." You respond, Gorou flinching at the words he used to describe his 'ideal lover'.

"That wasn't true. Those words were not truthful." He clarifies. "I didn't want to get teased ruthlessly because of how obvious my feelings were for you." He continues. "Even the soldiers that I didnt know very well all read me like a book."

"But if that's the case, why did you start dating-"

"They asked me out. I didn't ask them on a date, and truthfully I only went on the date because I couldn't continue the lie otherwise." Gorou responded, you still not buying his words.

"well, the two of you looked happy together." You look away, the feeling you didn't want to feel happening once again.

"Please stop doing that." Gorou stops. "You're comparing yourself to them again. Don't put yourself down because of them."

"Please, believe me when I say I don't want to lose you. My life feels empty without you." Gorou explains. When he doesn't sense you pulling away, he slowly cups your face. You still don't pull away, and he slowly begins to lean in.

You don't like how slow he's being, so you close the gap, catching him off guard. he melds into the kiss once he recovers, and after a few long seconds, the both of you pull away, smiling at each other.

"...You do realise Yae Miko is going to tease you endlessly." You laugh lightly, Gorou beginning to blush.

"Don't remind me!" He squeaks out, before clearing his throat. "But if it means being yours, I'd be happy to endure it."

[carbondioxidewater]

Sorry for 'taking too long' for this hahahaha, I don't have much time these days so it took a while. Maybe it's a bit sloppy, I usually want everything to be perfect but idk I'm also kinda content with it. I hope you enjoy it anyways.

@karamatsus 🦋

Summary: A story of Tobirama and you being in love with each other without knowing the feelings of the other one, then both being put into arranged marriages with others. (info: female s/o)

Warnings: none

Taking Too Long (Pt.6)

The weeks slipped by and Tobirama was officially declared the Second Hokage. This carried a lot of work with it of course, so there was not much time for you both to take care about your personal business nor spending hours with each other in general. When he asked you to be his chief assistant, your confidence increased, knowing that he didn't make this choice out of emotions, but real recognition of your abilities and trustworthiness.

You felt highly appreciated and happy to be valued by him this much since you knew if it comes from him, it can be taken seriously. You were obviously looking forward to be around him so much, but when the time came, there wasn't much you did apart from giving in some papers or helping him with those. But you didn't really mind that, it was already enough for you to be near him almost every day.

Ever since you comforted him that day though, you felt like he was avoiding you, which made you a little concerned. You wondered if he purposely kept your personal confrontations at work low because he felt ashamed of himself for showing his vulnerable side to you. This behaviour nibbled on you, you've known each other for years and he behaves like you're just anyone, when in fact you two are planning to get married. Nonetheless, you decided to leave this topic for a while and give him the space he needed.

Occasionally, you even met Haruki - he is still a good friend of yours and things have calmed down so far. The atmosphere between you also got much better, it was not the typical forced and pent-up tension that enlarged your engagement.

It was a day like another when suddenly, Tobirama told you the upcoming meeting with Tsugumi's parents would actually occur this day, in a few hours, to be specific. A wave of dread and guilt overflew you and you started to get more and more nervous the more time passed. It was getting time - Tobirama and you agreed that you would not take part in the meeting since it could enrage the parents even more to find out the reasons behind the cancellation - so you left the room as Tsugumi and her parents reached the door. Kind as you were, you smiled at them in innocence, opened the door for them and gave Tobirama one last worried look, telepathically wishing him good luck. He got your message and just nodded, a sign for you to close the door behind the guests and leave.

But you didn't leave. How could you, if your nervosity ate you up this bad? You decided - and you knew it wasn't right, but you just couldn't stop yourself - to eavesdrop the conversation. After the welcoming and formal greetings, the father of Tsugumi already took the initiative.

"To come straight to the topic, I'd like to know how you'll excuse this demeanor. This alliance was arranged because the village and your brother - may he rest in peace - wanted our Clan to join Konoha. If Konoha doesn't want our support anymore, we'll easily find another village to settle down at."

"No, of course the village still wants your contribution. But I was hoping to find another solution to this unfortunate situation. Of course we'll do anything possible to make it to your liking, since this is the priority."

"If it would be Konoha's priority, then there wouldn't be this annulment, would it? I don't quite understand why you want to break off the engagement, is there a problem with my daughter? Is your eminence unsatisfied with her qualities?"

"By no means. Your daugther is a lovely woman and I have no doubts that she'll be an excellent wife-" he didn't let Tobirama finish his sentence.

"What is it then? This can't come out of nowhere. I demand the contract to be strictly followed!"

"I fear I can't meet those obligations. I couldn't give your daughter what she deserves - and she deserves a lot, but I am the wrong man to do this."

"Are you talking about love? There have been many arranged marriages in the past that lacked love, it's not uncommon for political alliances. It's all just formalities." Tsugumi's father explained.

"Let me ask you one question then. Would you really want your daugther to live such life? A life that is indeed politically high accepted, but personally unsatisfying? Where she forcefully ruins her own happiness? Don't you want her to live a good life, full of love, instead of making her a victim to such inhuman actions?"

These words seemed to hit the guests hard as the room turned into silence. They thought about the harsh, but true words of Tobirama and it took a while for them to respond.

"If I may address this, I heard about a possible other woman being the reason. Are these rumours to believe?" Her father asked again.

A silent gasp escaped your lips. You held your hand over your mouth and looked down the floor in shock.

How did he find out about this? The feeling inside of you worsened.

It took a while for Tobirama to respond. Obviously, the both of you didn't expect to be exposed like that.

"I want to be honest with you, these rumours are true." Tobirama replied, short and painless. Tsugumi's father exploded in rage.

"This is a scandal! I am bitterly disappointed! Such unreasonable demeanor coming from a Hokage! How do you intend to fix this? This is irreparable! And what kind of woman would dare to destroy an alliance of that importance for the village? She must be from poor heritage! Her parents didn't raise her properly! A slut like her belongs to the streets!" Suddenly, you heard a loud slam at the table and Tsugumi's father shushed.

"I forbid you to talk like that about someone you don't know, unless you want things to get uncomfortable!" Tobirama threatened loudly before returning to his calm composure again. How he defended you made your heart flutter and warm.

"May I remark that this is not the only reason to it. As the Hokage, I would not have much time for Tsugumi, more so because she is not working herself. She would be lonely and out of company most of the time, and it would drive her to despair one day or another."

He paused to give them some time to let it sink in and after a short break, he continued.

"I'll promise to find a way to make this alliance work nonetheless, you can be sure of that. I am myself very ashamed to cause such problems. I can't apologize enough. There is nothing that can excuse this and I am very aware of it. But I'll do anything to satisfy your interests, you have my word."

"We also had your word when you agreed to the wedding! How could we trust you again after such betrayal?"

"I understand your worries, but on my duty as Hokage, I swear to hold my word this time. I have no influence on your trust, you have to know yourself if you are able to trust me again. I'll respect if you don't of course, even if it would be tragic for both sides."

"Well...we would benefit from a treaty with Konoha too, it's not like that...We need time to think about it. If you have an agreeable offer in mind, you know where to find us."

"Of course. Take your time."

The conversation went to it's end, and before you'd be caught, you fleed quickly. Your mood was not the best obviously, they couldn't come to a clear conclusion. Of course they didn't completely turn down the suggest, but they also didn't break things off.

You were amazed by Tobirama's talent of speaking though, his speech was convincing and respectful. Could he be more perfect? You gushed about him in your mind and went around the village.

A few days later you woke up with an idea. You weren't even fully awake yet, but the solution to it all crossed your mind. You were so excited that you hurried up in getting ready and met Haruki.

After talking to him about your plan and him agreeing with this idea, you jumped onto him, hugging him in excitement. You were overwhelmed with happiness when he tapped you on your shoulder. Confused, you turned to him and then to the person he was pointing at. In close vicinity to you too stood Tobirama, watching you curious. You got off Haruki immediately and dissociated yourself from him - you needed to go to work now anyway. When you said your goodbyes, you turned around, but Tobirama was already gone. You actually wanted to accompany him on his way since you had the same destination and wanted to tell him about your plan, but it seems like you had to meet him in his office. Thankfully, it wasn't far from your current location.

-----------------------------------------------------

"Where did you go so fast?" You laughed and positioned in front of his desk. He looked up from the papers in his hands.

"I had work to do.", he just said.

"I see." You looked down at the desk and he watched your expression.

"...You're seeing Haruki often these times." Tobirama mentioned, carefully watching your reaction.

"Uh, yes...That's what I wanted to talk to you about." you explained and wanted to talk further, but he took the chance first.

"Do you regret leaving him?", he then asked and you looked at him with a frown.

"What?" You had to laugh. Was he really worrying about this? That was kind of cute. You knew he had issues addressing this though, so you stopped laughing to not make him feel worse.

"What makes you think that?", you asked.

"I don't know. I've been especially distant lately. Maybe you realized this is not what you want."

Your frown hardened.

"...This? You mean you?", you wondered, not really understanding what he meant.

"..."

It took him a while to respond.

"I mean, I could see how happy you were around him. He also is more open about his feelings than I am."

"So?" You had to smile again, entertained by his adorable worries. He clenched his teeth in annoyance of not being able to just say what he wants to say.

"I don't know, maybe you just want someone who is emotionally active!", he shouted now, with a slight blush on his cheeks. You couldn't hold back your laugh and could see him pouting at your reaction.

"I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you. It's just too adorable.", you said quickly to not make him feel ridiculous. He twitched his eyebrows at the word 'adorable'.

"You are emotionally active too, Tobirama. I know that. Yes, you might not show it as openly as others do, but I know you long enough to tell." You walked around the desk and took his hand. He just hummed with his eyes closed.

"Don't ever worry about that again. I already told you; I like you for who you are." You kissed his hand and gave him a small peck on his cheek. He didn't say anything, probably being caught off by these sudden affections.

"Whatever...you wanted to talk about something. What is it?", he switched the topic in flusteredness.

"Oh right! So...I know the situation with Tsugumi is still unsteady and-" He raised one eyebrow and you hesitated for a while.

"I may have found a solution!" Tobirama looked at you in wonder, and before he could ask what it was, you already started to explain it by yourself.

"So, you know Haruki needs a wife, right? And for an alliance with Tsugumi's Clan, we need a new arrangement. What if Tsugumi and Haruki would marry? I know this may sound crazy the first moment, but just think about it!"

Tobirama's face looked like he had a brainwave. Then it changed to a doubting expression again.

"That's not a bad idea, but what would they think of that. We can't ask them to do this. Especially since it is for our gainings only. This is too presumptuous."

"But it's profitable for all sides! I already talked to Haruki earlier and he would be in it." His eyes closed a little in suspicion.

"So that's what you've been so happy about today?"

"Yes."

Closing his eyes, he thought about it for a while and sighed then.

"I can't believe I'm saying yes to this." he crossed his arms, opened his eyes to look at you and smiled in disbelief. Your grin started to widen too when he agreed, and you jumped in the air to relieve your emotions.

"Let's try it.", he said and you nodded before jumping onto him to hug him. He briefly groaned and winced in surprise at the unexpected movement, but soon put his arms around your body too, holding you tight and smiling into the hug.

Not much was needed for your luck anymore. Now everything would get better, wouldn't it?

[hwauas]

🕊️: "the lost prince", 4

park seonghwa | 박성화 - 2,880 words

you frowned at the sudden reaction from your mom. it was very curious to you. and you suddenly remembered the gaze the two policemen gave each other when you mentioned that same thing.

you were so confused about this whole situation.

     you thought you were living a pure nightmare: everybody seemed to know everything but you, and you were powerless to this ignorance from you. your boyfriend was in a hospital, you were trying to find his real family to soothe their pain from the loss, and give Seonghwa all his answers, but everybody was throwing a spanner in your works

     everybody around you seemed to know something, and no one ever told you anything. this was very overwhelming to you. bad feelings started to grow up inside of you: distress, anger, helplessness, uselessness.

     “mom, what's happening? who is fleur-de-lis? what did fleur-de-lis leave? why would fleur-de-lis be back? i'm so done with everybody hiding things from me! i'm just trying to resolve my boyfriend's problem, to try and find his family. why is everybody being so focused on this fleur-de-lis thing!”

you started to walk around. you pushed back your hair while walking, and took a deep breath to try and call down a little. the whole situation was getting on your nerves already, and it was just the beginning of your case.

     “did Seonghwa tell you something about this?”

she was pale, as if she just saw a ghost. her tone was contrasting a lot with yours. the room held a mix of two opposites: the hot and the cold. your anger and her shock.

     “no. nothing. listen mom, you stay here. i'll do it on my own, alone. if you need something, just call me.”

as you were about to leave, your mom grabbed your wrist.

     “y/n. if you want some informations about fleur-de-lis, you should meet this old lady you talked to a lot, running the library. she'll help you way better than me to answer your quetions.”

     you left your place right after, just nodding. you were too angry to think straight at this moment.

     besides the fact it seemed to be more complicated than you thought, everybody seemed to hide something from you. if they knew why did Seonghwa's "mom" called him this way, and if they knew something about fleur-de-lis and its meaning, wouldn't it be easier for you to find his family? instead, they were all shocked yet quiet.

     on your way to the library, you were thinking about what could this lady say to you about fleur-de-lis. would she answer your questions? tell you a lot more about it? about the meaning?

the fruit you were eating while walking seemed tasteless compared to the bitter sensation of others knowing something about fleur-de-lis but you, and compared to your anger — slowly fading away. the last shades of anger within you was because of the necessity to run across the city to have answers.

     but a whole mystery was planning over Seonghwa and his whole family, and you had to resolve first this fleur-de-lis enigma.

     when you reached the library, less angry, you found the lady you were looking for at the back of the shop, reading an old book — you could tell it was an old book because of the yellowish pages.

you slowly approached her with a little smile. she looked up at you as soon as she saw you coming closer.

     “my child! it's been a long time! how are you doing? you're stunning. you know that?”

you smiled at her cute behaviour. it was very heartwarming to see her being this welcoming to you. it was soothing your anger.

     “i'm doing good. don't worry about me. and you?”

     “i'm good. old but strong, you know?”

she giggled, showing off she was just making fun of herself. you always liked her self-mockery.

“what brings you here today? are you looking for new books? you already finished the ones i recommended you?”

     “no, i didn't finish them yet. but i'm reading them, don't worry!”

you sat besides her, on an empty chair. you were looking at her with the tiniest smile ever, yet with bright eyes.

“no, i'm coming for something else.”

     “tell me.”

she put her book on the little desk, and turned over to face you.

     “do you know anything about.. 'fleur-de-lis' ? my mom told me i could ask you for informations about.. this.”

the old lady seemed to be surprised. was 'fleur-de-lis' a taboo? something no one can talk about? why did everything act like it was very important?

     “fleur-de-lis is a quite sad story.. years ago, the Queen gave birth to a lovely son. their only son. he was the King's heir apparent. all the country absolutely loved the nation's prince. he was adorable. his parents were loving him so much, treasuring him.”

the old lady glanced over a vase with flowers in it.

“they never revealed their son's name. they always called him fleur-de-lis. even there, in the castle. only his parents know his real name.”

     “sorry mama but...”

you frowned at this information. it increased your curiosity.

“why did they were calling the prince fleur-de-lis? i mean, i can understand they wanted to keep his name a secret, but then.. why did they choose this?”

     “this flower especially represents the royalty. the power, the glory, and the success as a King or a Queen.”

you nodded to show her you understood this point.

“but this peace the kingdom knew didn't last. the little prince was 1. 13 months, to be exact. when the Queen and the King woke up, their son was nowhere to be seen. they immediately started to look for him all around the land. everybody were looking after this little boy. but no one ever found him. the kingdom's ray of sun disappeared, and took the happiness with him. everybody forgot him as fleur-de-lis. now, he is called 'the lost prince'.”

     you stayed quiet. you never heard about this history. neither him as fleur-de-lis nor him as the lost prince. you didn't even know the Queen and the King had once a son. was it this hurtful for them? in a way, it was showing how close to him the whole country was.

     “why are you asking me this?”

     “because... i had to call for the emergency department yesterday for my boyfriend. since then, he can't leave because the person he called mom all his life is an impostor. i'm looking for his family. i talked a little with her after we discovered the truth and the last thing she said is 'take care of fleur-de-lis'.”

     the old lady was, again shocked. but this time, you understood why.

everything was clearer to you. why did the policemen looked at each other this way, why did your mom became so pale. if this person wasn't lying, you were dating the lost prince.

     but the problem wasn't resolved. how to prove that? how to say that to him? how will he react? were you really able to solve this problem now?

     “i see... thank you mama. i'll solve this problem. i promise. i'll give my boyfriend back to his family. and if he is the lost prince... i'd be the happiest if i could give back this kingdom their lost prince.”

     “y/n! wait! please... what is... his name?”

      you stopped moving when she called you. and with a little smile:

“he is fleur-de-lis, the lost prince.”

     you winked, and walked out of her shop.

     you felt bad for hiding this from her. she helped you a lot figuring out about this problem. and she helped you solve a huge part of the problem. but you couldn't betray Her Highness and His Highness and reveal his name — if he really was the lost prince. you had to respect their choice. and you weren't even sure he was the lost prince.

     with all these new informations, you needed to ask few questions to Seonghwa now. maybe he could help you having more answers to your questions. so you naturally started to walk towards the hospital.

     you didn't even dare to look at your phone. you knew you would have a lot of messages from your mom — she was very curious and couldn't even try and control it. seeing Seonghwa was, for the moment, your priority.

     reaching Seonghwa's hospital room was a relief for you. if you thought at the very beginning of this day that you were facing a problem hardly solvable, you were now looking at the new informations which helped you progressing in solving this problem.

     hope and determination were growing inside of you, and flourishing.

     you entered the room, a bright smile. Seonghwa was here, sitting down on a chair, next to the window. the sun was illuminating his face, revealing his melanin and natural beauty to you. your heart skipped a beat, and two, before you could move.

     “baby.~”

you approached him, and sat on a chair next to him. he immediately look up at you. he had a little smile, but his eyes were more expressive: they were shining.

“how do you feel?”

     “a lot better. i wish i could go out. i feel a little bit lonely here...”

you noticed he was playing with his fingers. you knew it meant he was very annoyed by this aspect of the situation.

     “and... can i do something about this, babe?”

you softly took his hands in yours. you would always be here by his side to try and make things easier for him to live. it was unnecessary for him to worry about that. and you wanted him to feel this in your gesture.

     “i feel a little bit guilty for asking you this but.. can you stay with me this night?”

he was avoiding your eyes, yet tightening his hold around your hands.

     “anything you want. i will stay with you tonight. and the next nights until you go out. i promise.”

you rubbed his hands softly with your thumbs. and before the silence was too loud in this room, you started to talk again.

“Hwa, i'd like to ask you some questions...”

     “yes, sure y/n. i'm listening.”

his soft gaze was back on your adorable face.

     “i know you don't remember well your childhood but.. i'd like you to try. for me, please. did she ever call you fleur-de-lis?”

you saw Seonghwa lowering his head. when you saw few lines on his forehead, you knew he was just trying hard to remember for you, to help you. and you were thankful...

     “i.. i don't think so. but, i don't know why... it doesn't sound unfamiliar to me.”

Seonghwa shoot his head up to look straight into your eyes.

“why? did you came back because you discovered something?”

     “kinda.. i did discover something, but i'm not sure at all about this information. and i think few people can help me solving this problem. you're one of them.”

when Seonghwa squeezed your hands, you felt like it was a sign from him to keep going.

“do you know why the very first pictures of you you have are pictures when you were 15 months?”

     “i thought it was very curious too. so i asked her. she told me she didn't have any reasons to take pictures of me from the very first day i was born, to the very first steps i made.”

     you nodded at this information. it was very interesting: after that, Seonghwa had a lot of pictures if him. dozens, and maybe hundreds. she was taking pictures of him very often.

“okay, then listen. i asked for informations about fleur-de-lis. what is it. who is it. what does that mean. the old lady running the library i'm often visiting told me everything. to summarize, fleur-de-lis is the Queen's and King's baby who disappeared when he was 13 months. they always called him this way because they wanted their baby's name to stay a secret. even the people working at the castle don't know the baby's name. and they were calling you fleur-de-lis. what if.. it was linked? maybe i'm crazy to think about this! but what if you were fleur-de-lis, their child? all the puzzle pieces are fitting! you don't have pictures of yourself before you were 15 months because you weren't living with her. she's not your biological mother, not your official mother because she just.. kidnapped you. she was wanted, everyone was looking for the person who kidnapped the prince. she couldn't go with you somewhere and make proper papers with you as her son. that's why she had to hide her identity? why she made false papers? because everybody wanted to find her!”

the adrenaline was rushing at a light speed through your veins. everything seemed to match.

     “am i the one who actually got drugged? i CAN'T be him. i'm not a prince, please, y/n. think about it again. it's not a fairy tale.”

     “i AM serious! you, first, think about it! i'm not asking you to believe it, i'm asking you to considerate it!”

as you were talking with Seonghwa, you heard knocks on the wooden door. you both straightened up to look at it.

     “are you Choi y/n?”

you nodded, a bit lost about what was happening.

“i'm a police officer. i'm working on the case regarding mister Park to find his family. since he can't leave the hospital, and you're the one who gave us informations about the lady who pretended to be mister Park's mom, can you please follow us to the police station? she got arrested. we need someone to indentify her.”

     you were stunned by their words. did the fact you mention 'fleur-de-lis' yesterday got them being more involved in the case?

Seonghwa had to squeeze your hands for you to be back in the present.

     you nodded, feeling again the hope growing up inside of you. as complicated this problem seemed to be, things were progressing quickly. it was like a relief for you, and for Seonghwa. maybe he wouldn't stay here too long?

you kissed Seonghwa's forehead, and left to follow the policemen.

     the ride to the police station was too quiet for you. you needed to know if they knew as much things as you. if they were also thinking that Seonghwa may be the lost prince.

     “do you think.. she was right when she called him 'fleur-de-lis'?”

     “we can't exclude the possibility she was the one who kidnapped the prince sixteen years ago. but first, we need to be sure we're holding the right woman.”

     “what will happen if i tell you she's the one he called mom all his life?”

you nervously played with your fingers.

     “we can't take the decision by ourselves to proceed to a DNA test. we need the child's parent agreement since he's not major, however we're looking for his parents. we will interrogate her, and of she admits she kidnapped him, we'll inform the Queen and King we found the prince. only then, a DNA test can be done — if they want to.”

     knowing they were, just as you, thinking Seonghwa may be the lost prince made you a little bit happier. you weren't crazy or too obsessed with the idea to find his family that you started to believe harebrained things. you were right when you started to have faith in this possibility: you couldn't exclude the possibility of him being the lost prince.

     things seemed to be clearer. this seemed to be obvious: you will go to the police station, you will identify her as the kidnapper, she will admit what she did, and Seonghwa will finally know the truth about his family and will live with them.

     but then, a whole another aspect of the situation hit you: if Seonghwa is the prince, what is going to happen when he will come back there, with his parents..? will you be able to live your idyll with him..? your worlds, which were the same until now, will they stay like that..? his world will necessarily be different from yours. after all, you weren't a noble at all...

     the car stopped in front of the police station. you looked through the window. your heart was beating fastly. you almost felt nauseous.

what your reaction will be in front of her?

you stepped out of the car, and followed the two policemen. they waisted no time and led you to a room. in front of you, through a window, there was a table. two chairs at each side of the table.

     “don't worry. she can't see you.”

with that, the policeman knocked on the door. inside the room, someone you first didn't see went to the door at the opposite, and opened it.

     she was here. she sat on a chair. she looked tired, and both sad and guilty. it was the right woman.

     there you were, with an ultimatum. what to do?

[kokaizhu]

Title not yet decided─Kanao Tsuyuri x Big Sister!Reader(OC)

A/n:

So about those plans, hm~~~ :3. This started out as a small idea, but it got to me, especially with the help of a dear friend of mine. (Gotta love her and her writings~~(@/ink-hashira) )😖✨💕💕💕 and I appreciate it especially since I have so much ideas and plans but, this is the one that got to me :')

───Also, please go check her out if you haven't yet, you'll love her, I promise!👀👉👈

This is how it started:

Okok, lemme stop talking so much and let y'all read! It's short but it's just the beginning! 598 words!

AND EVERY SATURDAY A NEW PART OF THIS WILL BE POSTED! OKAY BYE, MUCH LOVE!!😖💕💕

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1

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"Gomen─ I have to go out again, little sis." The girl's voice trembled a bit, yet her features held a strong-willed confidence for the sake of the little girl in front of her. After all,  she doesn't want to give off the fact that she's terrified to be giving off her body once again to some strange man. But she doesn't need to know that. All that her little sister needs to know is that one day, they'll be living a much better and grand life that's filled with lots of food and beautiful new kimonos!

She knows that her little sister looks forward to that day since her eyes held a little more shine in them than usual as she told of the things that they would soon have if they continued to have hope and that she works hard.

Despite the fact that she repeatedly says that it'll be just a bit longer every time she speaks about their future, the little girl is understanding.

But now, with the lack of an answer, the little girl stood in silence, etching every inch of the older girl's features into her mind as she always did when the older of the two said that she had to go out. It was her main priority and routine. The older girl knew this and smiled, ruffling the little girls already messy and unruly black hair as she stood up straight and adjusted her worn kimono.

"Well, I'll see you later alright? Try to stay out of trouble with mama and papa." She states as she turned away and began on her way to her dreaded destination.

"Big sister," the little girl softly called, holding a hand out to her retreating big sister who turned and gave a small wave accompanied by that smile of hers.

The little girls' hazy purple orbs stared after her until she could no longer see the older girl any longer in the distance, flies buzzing around her as she stood in place. Hoping that her big sister would turn back and stay with her but, she knew better than that. Her best bet was to do as her beloved big sister told her and do her best to stay out of trouble, even though she was never the cause of such a thing whatsoever, she still ended up being punished in the end.

Leaving her thoughts at that, the little girl turned to go and sit with the other lonely and starving children as her mind now wandered in curiosity.

·

·

·

'Where. . . . does big sister go?'

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

━━━━━━━━━▼━━━━━━━━━

The sky transitioned to a beautiful array of oranges, pinks and purples as the sun now began to set, indicating the upcoming night.

The girl walked slowly, careful of her sore condition. But that didn't stop her from trying to speed up and ignore the pain that settled between her legs every now and then.

That damned bastard kept her longer than what she would usually stay. Usually, she'll stay for a couple hours and leave before the sun would start setting, but here she is. Running later than her usual time.

Oh, how worried her dear little sister must be? Surely her little sister could never forgive her big sister for running so late!

 The thought stressed her as she picked up her wobbly, pain-filled stride into a jog as the skies began to get darker, tightly clutching a patchy, work-down small bag to her chest. Not caring for the possible sticks and rocks in the dirt road scraping against her bare feet.

[getitinbusan]

Jungkook friends to lovers, angst and smut. Inspired by Lana Del Rey's California. Please leave feedback if you'd like more.

It was a rare rainy August day in California, the heavy drops creating a melody on the window as you put the dishes away. You were tired, lonely and the feeling you had in your gut kept nagging at you, maybe it was time to give up. Well into the second month of not making rent, it was only a matter of time before your roommates would stop exchanging house cleaning duties for money. Standing in the kitchen feeling stupid, It had taken way longer than it should have to come to the realization that in LA you were nothing, not pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough or talented enough. 

Gathering up the mail that was strewn across the countertop, you shuffled through to sort priority. Junk mail, bills, personal… one standing out in particular. The penmanship was nice, black ink, unassuming envelope, but it was the stamp that caught your attention, it was sent from Korea. The top had already been torn, the letter having been read, was cradled back safely inside. Addressed to your roommate a frown crept onto your face, why wouldn't he write you? It was a ridiculously  hopeful notion but you widened the envelope and inhaled trying to find his fragrance, something to trigger a happy memory. How many times had you borrowed his sweater just to have his smell on your skin? Cool California nights were the best excuse to wrap yourself in his scent. You missed him, it had been a year and a half since he'd last come around.

It was too tempting to resist, your fingers pinched the paper inside of the envelope and pulled it free. 

"I'm feeling low, I don't know who I am, only who I'm supposed to be. What would life be like if I had stayed in California? We could all be roomates, hanging out and having fun, going to the beach on weekends. Does she even think about me? It sounds greedy that with how much I have right now, it's not enough, I would give anything to wake up everyday in bed beside her. I want more than anything to be able to talk to her about these things but I can't, I made the mistake of trading her for fame and now I'm destined to keep her at an arm's length so she'll never know the price I paid. How does she even see me now?  Just an Idol? Has she forgotten the days we spent together? I've been wrestling with myself, whoever that is. I wish I could be the teenage boy from that long ago summer again. I wrote this song thinking about it…"

~When I see you smile in the screen

You're good at everything

You're just perfect

Feels like I've never been you

Do you even see me?

Do you know who I am?

Or how do I look now?

You don't like me like that

I want to be your decalcomania~

"I'm afraid I may not get back for a while,  please write. Your friendship and thoughts of Y/N are the only things that are keeping me tethered to some semblance of reality."

JK

Clutching the letter to your chest your mind took you back to that day. "Decalcomania, the art or process of transferring pictures and designs. Making a copy of the original on a different medium"  You'd both laughed at the strange name, reading the description of the art on the museum wall during your visit so long ago.  

California had lured you into its promise when you'd just turned 14. Having been accepted to The Movement Lifestyle Studios intensive dance program in LA you left all your friends for the summer. You were going to be discovered! It was July and it was hot, the dancers stepping off the bus one at a time to take their places in the studio. Looking around there were so many older kids, you were probably one of the youngest. They called out names and put you into groups, it appeared to be by age and you made your way to the tiny gathering of four. Shy introductions were made as one more member was ushered over to where you had congregated, "This is Jungkook." He had the cutest smile and barely spoke english but his eyes twinkled like the constellations.

Immediately drawn to each other you became fast friends. Absolutely exhausted at the end of the first few days he'd knocked at your door. He was homesick and lonely, used to being surrounded by his six members and he couldn't sleep well without someone beside him. You let him crawl into bed with you, you were 14 and it was innocent.  Inseparable, days were spent side by side and the others referred to you as the twins. It was the best summer of your life. Promising through tears to keep in touch and stay friends you went your separate ways. 

Jungkook would send silly videos of his practice sessions, goofing around with the other members.  He'd facetime and text but he always loved to send handwritten letters. They lived in a box under your bed and contained stories of how hard he was working to become an idol. He always signed off with an I miss you and a few lines of lyrics he'd written. You didn't know then how important they would become, the only tangible piece of him you could still hold on to.  

Whenever he came back to America you did everything you could to see him. You went to the small tour stops when they came through in 2015, KCon in 2016, but 2017 was different. Facetiming you with the news that they were bringing the Wings tour to NY, Chicago and Anaheim, he asked if you'd be part of the dance crew. How could you turn down two weeks with Jungkook? They were getting bigger, more popular and their lives were changing. 

Jungkook would sneak you into his hotel room so you could spend the nights catching up. He had rules, the fans came first and girls were 

not allowed. Even though it was just friendship it could be easily misconstrued, everything had to be done in secret. The boys would bring in food and cover for him while you both stayed locked away out of sight. While you were happy to be with him, you could tell there was an underlying sadness he was holding on to. "I wish I could go and explore the city with you, like we used to," his voice trailed off. You were laying in each other's arms cuddling on his bed.  Leaning over he kissed the top of your head, "All I wanted was to take you on a proper date. I've been waiting so long to become someone, to become a man worthy of your affection. Now I'm stuck, I have everything and I'm not allowed to share it with you." His arms gripped you tighter, "I'm sorry, this is a terrible confession. I don't expect you to love me back, not under these circumstances, I just need you to know, you're the only girl I've ever loved and there won't be anybody else, ever." 

You remembered every word of his confession,  every moment of that last night in the hotel room. The words of a 19 year old boy whose life had become bigger than the feelings of two people. He left in the morning without knowing, too afraid to tell him, you loved him too.  

LA became home right after the tour left Anaheim. Focused on dancing, if you became good enough maybe you could tour with him. A letter with a big bouquet of flowers arrived a few weeks later.  

"Congratulations on your new house in LA! I hope that all of you are getting along as roommates, it's hard living with others sometimes. Last night I dreamt that I was there with you and all our friends, we were having a party on the beach and we sat together and watched the sunset. Remember after practice we would skateboard as fast as we could to the ocean so we wouldn't miss the colors? Maybe one day my toes can feel the sand there again. I miss you, I miss me… the me I am when I get to be with you. We are coming back in November for a few days and I'm hoping I can see you, I'm lonely already.   

Jungkookie

~Won't you please stay in dreams

I can hear the sea from far away

Across the dream, over the bush

Go there where it becomes clear

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria

When I'm with you, I'm in utopia~

When The AMAs came, all of your friends in LA were involved with the awards production. Your roommates helped organize the coup to steal Jungkook away so you could take him on a real date. Having enlisted Namjoon to help, the boys would cover for his whereabouts. The day before the awards they were only scheduled for styling, as long as he wasn't late for the press rounds the next afternoon your plan could work. It was Namjoon's job to get Jungkook out of the building. Telling him to follow his lead, Joon convinced the managers that Kook must have eaten something bad for lunch and wasn't feeling well, he was whisked away to meet you at the hotels back receiving door. Sitting in the shiny red rented convertible you tossed him a pair of sunglasses, what you wouldn't give now to see that smile again. Barely giving him time to get in you'd sped away heading straight for In And Out Burger. "Jungkookie, I hope your ready for the best day of your life! We're going to eat until we explode, drink and party at the beach and then instead of returning you to your 5 star fancy hotel you're staying the night in my crappy little house with a tiny uncomfortable bed!!" He laughed, so pure and happy, thinking about it now made you sad. Was that the last time he got to be his true self, Jeong-guk the man not Jungkook the personna? 

Knowing you only had one day to give him everything, one day to show him you loved him, you tried to make the best of it. Picking up the food Jungkook held onto the red and white bags in the passenger seat, sneaking his hand in to steal fries when he thought you weren't looking. If you weren't sure you were in love with him before you you certainly were now.

Pulling up beside the tree on the beach he was stunned, "Ahhh Jagi, I can't believe you brought me here." Happy that it meant as much to him as it did to you, you both sat on the branch and ate. Two blocks from the old studio it used to be your escape, every break you'd make your way to the tree for a time alone, together. 

With the burgers done he turned to you and smiled,  it felt like he wanted to say something, cutting him short you pulled him up and back towards the car. Making your way to the Movement studio the students were starstruck when he walked in. After insisting that he teach some choreography, he reluctantly led the class. Your eyes were glued to him as he moved in front of the mirrors, no longer that awkward teenager but a full grown man mesmerizing you with every move. You were careless, It didn't take long for the photos to hit social media. Getting back to the car he stopped you before you reached for the handle. Putting his arms around you he pulled you in close, "You stink Jungkook, I think our next stop is the ocean" You remember pulling away, how stupid you were, you should have held on to him longer. Reaching into the back seat you revealed a pair of swim shorts and a towel. He looked disappointed that you kept interrupting his attempts at intimacy, but you had a plan and limited time to execute it. 

The Ocean was perfect, and the wind was warm, he came out of the change room with the shorts on but was still wearing his shirt. "Kookie, this isn't Korea, you don't have to be so modest here AND you may not believe it but when your skin is sunkissed… you look like a god." He raised his eyebrows and quickly removed the shirt at your request. Running into the water you splashed and played and he took great pleasure in picking you up and throwing you as far as he could. The sun was getting ready to set and you wanted to dry off before the cooler air set in. Leading him out of the water you both laid down on the towel. He put his arm around you under your neck and you cuddled into his side. "My god Jungkookie,  look at your abs!" He blushed like crazy as you traced the muscles on his stomach. "Stop, it tickles." he giggled. But you didn't, you kept tickling him until he held you so tight you couldn't move. He had you pinned and flipping you on your back he shook his wet hair flinging water droplets all over you. Pleased with himself he leaned in closer to you, his eyes asking for permission to kiss you. As the gap between you got narrower you could hear his name being shouted and footsteps running closer. He flopped onto his back and sighed as your roommates and friends piled on top of him. Eating, drinking and catching up with everyone you watched each other from across the bonfire. Moving from person to person he slowly made his way back to your side. "Welcome back, Kookie," running your hand through the back of his hair it was now or never.  Pulling him closer your lips finally met in the way they were destined, soft, slow and full of love. His hands instinctively moved to cup your face as the world stopped around you. "I love you," you whispered, nose to nose he smiled and it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen. It didn't last long, his phone started going off incessantly. The managers knew, the photos and videos from the studio had been discovered online. "I'm so sorry Kook, I didn't mean for you to get in trouble." His eyes turned hungry as he grabbed your hand. "Let's get out of here, you promised I wouldn't be going back to my hotel tonight." If he was going to get in trouble anyway, why stop now?  

The drive back to your place was quiet,  adrenaline and hormones flowing like electricity through you both. The time for smiling was over as the seriousness of the situation hung in the air. It wasn't just being in trouble or being caught, but the fact that you both knew what was going to happen when you stepped into your bedroom. One act that would change everything between you, holding the power to change the dynamic of your relationship forever. Leading him to your room you closed the door and stood staring at him as he sat on your bed. He raked his fingers through his hair before he spoke, "I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be able to make love to you. BUT I also know that when I leave I'm not going to get to see you again for a very long time. Management is going to do everything to keep us apart and that won't be fair to you. I think that maybe we should just let our happy memories of today be enough, I don't want you to get hurt." 

Walking closer you stood between his legs and he wrapped his arms around your waist. "The only way I can be hurt is if I never get to experience all of you. I can't live not knowing how it feels to be totally yours if only for the night." He rested his head against your chest, "You'll always be mine," his hands traveled to the hem of you shirt and his fingers ran over the soft skin of your stomach. Undoing the button of your jeans he slowly slid them down your legs and you stepped out of them.  Standing up he lifted the thin fabric of your shirt over your head and you stood before him waiting as he took his off too. Unclasping your bra he sighed as he looked at you taking in your shape, his fingertips hovering over your hard nipples. "I've never done this before," he confessed. "Me either," you whispered, "So, I guess the bars pretty low." His giggles cut the tension before he pulled you on top of him onto the bed. More relaxed he let his mouth start exploring your body. You were goosebumps and shivers beneath him as his tongue found it's home between your legs. He was soft and careful placing his lips over over your clit,  sucking it in delicately until your moans couldn't be contained any longer. You could feel his eyes burning into you as he watched in awe as his finger slide inside you. "It's good Kookie, please…i can take more." He sighed as his mouth picked up speed and another finger slid in slowly. Moving your hips to meet his mouth you were unravelling quickly, "The way you taste is better than anything I had imagined." Circling your clit between his words you came hard on his tongue. "I made you so wet," he said, impressed with himself. "I need to feel myself inside you." Moving up to where your head lay on the pillow he pushed your damp hair off you face, "are you ok? do you need anything?" he placed his forehead against yours. "Just you Kookie, I love you so much, please… I want you so badly." Moving slowly he lined himself up with your wet entrance. "Tell me if you need me to stop okay?" He pushed slowly and you could feel yourself stretching around him. He watched your face and froze when he saw the tear roll out of the corner of your eye. "I'm so sorry, let's stop, I didn't mean to hurt you." He thumbed away the tear, "No, baby… I'm okay… I'm just so happy, so overwhelmed with how much I'm feeling right now" he smiled down at you, pressing his body closer as he gave another push until he was fully inside you. Your bodies fell into a beautifully choreographed rhythm until Jungkook was so lost in pleasure he began to move at his own pace. Quicker and deeper he moved until he finally spilled into the condom. 

You kissed, and kissed, and kissed until you fell asleep wrapped around each other. Every few hours he'd wake you up, checking to make sure it wasn't a dream, making love each time,  harder and faster. It was 9 am when he caressed you awake once more. "I have to leave soon, I don't want to," he spoke nestled into your neck just under your ear, "Please tell me to stay." Your heart broke at his words, "If I ask you to stay, I'm selfish, you'll always wonder if you made the right decision. If I tell you to go, your dreams come true… " your voice trailed off,  "and I'll always wonder if I made the right decision," he finished. 

Your phone started ringing and you knew time was up. It was Joon, "I'm outside, sorry, I held them off as long as I could. I told them I'd come get him so you could at least have time to say goodbye." Your tears fell out in heavy ugly sobs, "Okay, five minutes… and Joon… thanks, I know you're probably in trouble too." Hanging up you turned back, Jungkook was already out of bed with his clothes thrown on. He stood with open arms waiting, 

 "Thank you for yesterday." Laying your head against his chest you took a moment to listen to his heartbeat. You could hear him sniffle, and knew he was crying. You flashed back remembering that night long ago when he came to you homesick, holding you so he could sleep while he tried to hide his tears. There was a knock at the door and

Namjoon's voice broke through the moment "We've got to go Jungkook." Stepping away you'd left his shirt soaked in tears, handing him his sweater he pushed it back towards you, "keep it." He kissed you one last time and turned the handle opening it to reveal Namjoon. His Hyung put his arm around his shoulder and led him to the car.

Turning one more time he eyes were filled with tears and he gave a small wave before getting in the back of the big black sedan. 

For months you pretended that management was the only thing keeping you apart. You held onto your silly notions until May, they were coming for the Billboard awards. For weeks leading up to them you waited for a message, a secret meeting arrangement, but you got nothing. His image was all over the TV and his voice echoed through you empty heart and then he was gone again. 

Now, here you stood in your kitchen, his letter bringing him to the forefront of your mind,  opening old wounds. He was just as sad as you but what could you do? Picking up a pen you began writing… 

I shouldn't have done it but I read it in your letter

You said to a friend that you wish you were doing better

I wanted to reach out but I never said a thing

You don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

And honey, you don't ever have to act cooler than you think you should

You're brighter than the brightest stars

You're scared to win, scared to lose

I've heard the war was over if you really choose

The one in and around you

You hate the heat, you got the blues

You're changing like the weather, oh, that's so like you

I'll pick you up

I'll catch you on the flipside

If you come back to California

We'll do whatever you want, travel wherever, how far

We'll hit up all the old places

We'll have a party, we can dance till dawn… 

October came and a chill was in the air, the smell of winter hit your nose and you stopped to take it in. Bundled in Jungkook's hoodie you threw your bag over your shoulder and began your walk to work. Movement had hired you on for a new intensive program and today you were going to meet your students. So many memories flooded your mind as you made your way through the familiar neighborhood. It still hurt but things were beginning to feel happy again. Writing the letter had given you closure, he knew how you felt and beyond that there was nothing else you could do. Opening the heavy door to the studio you caught a familiar reflection moving in the mirror writing something on the glass, It couldn't be? Hearing the door click back into place he turned to face you, "Hi." he walked towards you slowly, unsure of what your reaction would be, he approached with caution. "Hi," you were breathless, in the months of not seeing him he'd grown more handsome. "I can't change what happened… and for the rest of my life I'll be sorry for all of the time we missed." He was getting closer,  "But I can't take another day not knowing if I can fix this… somehow…" he reached for your hand. Pulling it back away his head fell in disappointment, "Jungkook, I can't listen to this… look at me," reaching for his chin you pulled his head up until he was facing you again. "I refuse to listen to you apologize for something that was out of your control. Your life was decided before you met me and I can only be grateful that I got to appear in some part of your story" he tilted his head and pressed a small kiss into the hand that was still holding his chin. "God I've missed you" he said as he wrapped his arms tightly around your waist. "How long are you here? I've got to teach class.. It's my first day but I'd love it if we could catch up?" He laughed at you and your knees buckled at the sound of his happiness. Taking his chance he pressed his lips to yours and you could feel the smile forming on his face. "I'm your private lesson Jagi, I've booked you for the next two weeks" Taking a step back you had to ask, "How Jungkook? What will you be giving up?" Pulling you back to his embrace he began to dance with you, "There is no more giving up… on anything. Our contracts were over and I only had one thing I wouldn't negotiate on…that's you." 

Holding you tightly he moved you to look at the mirror,  'I wrote you something"

The only thing I can do

In the garden

In this world

Is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you

And to breathe as the me that you know

But I still want you

I still want you

"Y/N I promise I'll never let you go again" 

[mental-health-advice]

ok ok ok so. i'm in a very complicated situation rn. lemme start from the beginning: -so i'm best friends with this girl for years -our friend group talks abt sexualities, me + other girl come to conclusion that we're bisexual, the best friend thinks she *might* be too -realize i'm in love with her -confess to her later -she doesn't like me that way

-i don't think she's straight????? -time passes -we're both in a religion btw -she asks me one day abt our religion's views on homosexuality -i tell her one of the views, that it's alright -she says ok -she's still questioning btw -i think she might be bi/pan leaning towards guys

-i move to a different country -i leave the religion, not out yet to anyone tho -but we still text -she sends me a post one day abt homosexuality -it's that other view, that homosexuality is wrong -she believes in that view and is trying to persuade me to undo my bisexuality in some way or ignore it -getting strong indoctrination and internalized homophobia vibes here -she thinks i'm still in the religion and is trying to convince me on her views on homosexuality -i try to argue back carefully since i can't let her know i've left -anyway we fight -and apologize a few days later -and she suggests we don't talk abt religious stuff because we always fight abt it

-i say ok -i do flood my insta story (that she sees) with lgbt posts out of passive aggressiveness -i know i know, but i couldnt help it because i have very liberal views and i feel very strongly abt religious homophobia and sexuality -i sort of wanted to punish and test her -'this is me, this sexuality is a part of me, not a test by god, and i'm gonna show it and make it obvious, and you have to choose between remaining with me despite it or not.'

-we don't speak for three months.

-our only interaction is viewing each others' stories -she texts me with something random a few days later -we're talking again -i've forgiven her at this point -after all, before i left, i was just like her, i believed the same things she did -i want to believe that just like me, she'll come around and see things for what they truly are. -idk what to do till then

-i'm still in love with her -i still feel elated whenever she texts -i still feel that spark when i hear her name

-i want to get over her, over it -but still remain her best friend -it's hard because a huge part of getting over someone is to cut them off completely -and for those three months i did not think of her, so it worked a little -but when she texted it all came flooding back.

-i'm so, so, so fucked. what do i do?

Hello there,

I'm sorry that your friend has been so dismissive of your sexuality. It's unfortunate that there has been a bit of religious indoctrination to tell her that it's not okay. Whilst it's great that you acknowledge that, it does seem like this relationship only does you harm. It leaves you feeling hurt and unheard. The unfortunate truth is that as much as we hope we can change a person, we can't. That has to come from them, on their own terms. This means that they could change tomorrow, they could change in a decade, or they could never change. What you need to do is decide: could you stay in this friendship if she was to never see your sexuality as morally okay?

It's a hard call to make when you've been close to someone for a long time, especially with feelings like this involved. But remember that the number one priority for you is your own happiness and acceptance. You deserve to be celebrated and loved for just being you. If a person does not bring that to your life, then it might be time to let them go. You've said you've gone three months without talking, and it didn't impact you. If you've decided this person doesn't appreciate you for who you are, you know that it is possible to get to that stage again.

During this time, lean on your friends that do accept you for you. Let them know how you're feeling, that you just need a shoulder to lean on or a fun night together as a distraction. We also have a list of distractions here that you can use if you're alone, or even better yet, write a list of your own! Keep doing this, distraction, quality time with people who love you as you are, and eventually there'll come a time where they're either not a thought to you any more, or they do enough growing to realise their attitude towards your identity is harmful and make some changes to their own life.

You're not fucked up. You're going through something tough. I'm proud of you.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.