#one day I’ll update this with the most accurate translation but 4 now have this

[thesarcasticism]

touch my heartstrings, aka kotone's gay duet with aigis

(imperfect) english added by me :)

[holycow99]

石田お寿司 12/9/21 stream translation Part 2

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. If you want to repost, please repost at your own risk.

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*Someone asked about Choujin X.

I: I’ve given the manuscript for chp 8. It’ll be released in a few days. I don’t really have much to say about this. I wanna write this month’s goals for Osushi. The big plan is to fix(?) chp 8. Then, I wanna release another two chapters this month. Chp 8 has 20 something pages. I want to at least draw the chapters in a weekly pace. What I mean by that is I wanna draw 72 pages per month. If I could draw 72 pages a month, I drew 18 pages per week during Weekly Young Jump too. So, I wanna draw 18 pages per week, which is 72 pages per month. That’s the amount of pages for weekly publication. It’d be nice if I could draw at least this much by myself. If I drew 25 pages weekly for three weeks, It’d have a total of 75 pages. I can currently get it done. If I updated 3 chapters a month, I’d have a total of 70-something pages per month. Then, nobody will complain. It’s not like anyone is complaining. It’s so that I won’t complain to myself. This is directed towards me as a challenge. Of course, it’s okay if I couldn’t do it. It doesn’t matter if I can or can’t, I thought it’s better to have a goal.

C: And the fact that you’re streaming right now is amazing!

I: Right? I spent a lot of time at the end of August doing rectifications, plotting, etc. They’re all important things to do. Since I have a little bit of free time, I thought of streaming.

C: It’s okay to draw the chapters slowly. Do you concern about maintaining the quality?

I: The quality is as usual. I mean, that’s one of the reason. It’s also to match the quality of the work. The drawing style in Choujin X is different, so of course the drawing will be different too. There are things that have changed. I want to match the vibe of the work, and also, I wanna prioritise speed over the quality. By speed, I don’t mean I wanna write them in a hurry. I want them to have a quality that’s easy to balance. I’m still playing around with it.

C: Until what chapters do you plan to release the physical copy?

I: I can just release it. I do have a plan for it, like releasing 2 volumes altogether.

C: I’m okay with anything as long as you don’t collapse later on.

I: You’re exactly right. I’m doing it with ease. So that the serialisation will go well, I’m adjusting my pace. This is just my ideal, but I wanna serialise another manga. It doesn’t have to be serialised, I have another stuff I wanna release. I’m finding the time to make one. If I make it a rule to do other things after I’ve done 75 pages per month, I don’t have to draw more. I could use the time to do other stuffs.

C: Don’t push yourself.

I: I’m not.

C: Are you overworking?

I: Not at all. I have many hands.

C: Did you play JJ?

I: I played the game like hell.

C: Is it easier to not have assisstants?

I: That’s a good question. This is kinda weird, people say that your work will progress more if you have more assistants, but that’s not the case. I did TG without knowing that. People will ask you to check on their works. So, the more the people, the more the workload. There’s probably an appropriate number of people you should have. 4 people would probably be enough during TG. But there were more people, like the helpers, but they did regularly help. It was quite a lot. I won’t be able to do my own work when there’s a lot of staffs. I don’t have assistants for choujin X so that I can do it with ease, and umm… It’s the fastest way for me. Of course, I do think the quality of the work will increase if there are staffs. I’m trying to see if I can speed up my work to a certain extent without having to check on others’ works and consider about other people, while creating the quality contents I’m capable of.

C: Working alone or with assistants finish faster?

I: It depends on the stuffs you’re making. For choujin x, I think it’d be hard for me to draw them if I had assistants. It’ll be great if we can have divisions.

C: Are you gonna hire a care assistant? (t/n: The Japanese word is Meshistant, which means assistant who mainly takes care of the mangaka’s meal, chore, etc. So, I just put it as care assistant.)

I: Definitely no. I didn’t let my assistants do the chore. I even cleaned the toilet myself. I kinda hate it. I hate the label they give to such people. Meshistant. I don’t like people who call them that. I don’t mean you. I probably won’t be fond of mangakas who use that word. They’re your staffs, right?

C: Do you think of the story all by yourself?  

I: Yeah. Sometimes I do get ideas from my surrounding. But, most of it came from mine.

(t/n: I’m not sure if the last sentence is correct. I couldn’t really understand what he meant, but it’s something like that.)

C: I’m having a hard time to sleep. Recommend ways for me to sleep well.

I: Probably read books. It can make your eyes feel tired. Then, maybe by not sleeping? But you might think it’s better to sleep. I understand. I wanna keep trying to fall asleep, but then I’ll watch movies while lying down. I have trouble sleeping lately. I used to sleep a lot.

C: Meshistant is also an honourable job.

I: Then, why not just hire people who specialised in that. Like housekeepers. They have that, right? Something like a home helper. That is better, isn’t it? Using assistants who’re enthusiastic to draw manga to do stuffs like that is awkward for me.

*Someone commented about hiring maid.

I: Maid? Then, I’d like that. Hahaha. Should I hire a maid? I’m recruiting maids.

C: Even at the age of 250,000, you still have trouble falling asleep.

I: Yeah.

C: Are they hired to make meals?

I: Yeah. There’s various types of assistant in the manga industry. This one refers to an assistant in charge of meals.

I: What did I wanna talk about? Oh yeah, about Animal Rap. I’m thinking whether or not I should upload animal rap video during stream, but where is the file? I’ve decided to upload it after this stream ends. What was it that I wanna talk about? Can you tell me about my current status, such as about the Sui exhibition in Osaka and Nagoya, or about Ms. Towada’s illustrations?

C: How about a live rap?

I: Good idea.

C: About the plan for 30,000 subscribers.

I: That’s right 2x. We’re talking about what to do to celebrate 30,000 subscribers.

C: I can be your maid for free.

I: I’ll definitely pay you. If it’s for free, then you won’t feel your sense of duty. I’ll give a huge salary and pressure you so that you’ll work responsibly.

C: Ms. Towada can both write novels and draw. Amazing!

I: I also can. Hahaha. I also…ah, but I can’t write novels. I won’t lose to her.

C: Do you have double eyelids.

I: Mine is hidden one.

C: Appear in First Take.

I: I won’t.

C: Are your eyelashes long?

I: Yes. My eyelashes are long, I have hidden double eyelids, I am of medium build…but I’m already worn-out.

(t/n: He used the word ‘boroboro’. I couldn’t really find the proper word to translate it in this context. Worn-out is the only one I could think of that suits the context.)

C: Are you handsome?

I: Well…I’m pretty good looking.

C: Have you been going to the gym?

I: No, I haven’t, since I was busy with work. I wanna go though.

C: I wanted to go to Mr. Kunimitsu’s concert.

I: Me too.

C: Which one is more handsome? You or Kaneki?

I: Wouldn’t that be Kaneki?

C: How about another stream with Ms. Towada?

I: I re-listened to the stream with Ms.Towada. For some reason, she was laughing a lot in the stream. Though she always like that. It’s slightly embarrassing. She’s acting like she’s at home. It felt like she’s disclosing my family situation, so it’s a bit..., but I can do that again from time to time. When I wanna do something related to JJ, then I’ll call her. That’s the most suitable content.

*Someone asked him to invite his younger sister.

I: It’s impossible to invite my younger sister.

*People wanted Goubaru to be the guest.

C: Goubaru, huh?

C: Do you have someone you wanna invite?

I: No, I don’t. The corona is one thing, but I’m completely okay with not meeting people. I do talk to people I’m close with. I think that’s already enough. It’s not like I have someone I’m involved with. I do usually talk to Mr. Kunimitsu.

*People want Hanae Natsuki again.

I: Hanae? That’s definitely impossible.

*He’s talking about Japanese youtubers.

C: Can you beat boxing?

I: I’m practising at the moment.

*Currently taking about Japanese artists.

* Someone asked who he thinks could be the next popular artist.

I: Lately, I only listen to instrumentals. The one that I like recently is the girl band called Chai. The group’s vocalists are twins. The group is great. It’s not like I like the band because there’s someone who caught my intention. I listened to their songs first before I decided whether I liked them or not. I thought this kind of voice also exists.

C: Congrats for TG’s 10th anniversary.

I: Thank you. Thank you to Brazil as well. (t/n: Someone commented Brazil.)

*He pinned his Chai comment.

C: People who just came don’t understand what’s going on.

I: It’s okay if you don’t. Hehe.

C: Sensei, can you eat choco mint?

I: I can.

C: I thought the bgm was from Animal Crossing.

I: This is Yorushika’s Escape.

*Still talking about Japanese artists.

C: Have you seen Midsummer?

I: Yes, I have.

(t/n: He said something about the new evangelion movies. But I couldn’t really translate that part properly. He basically watched the Rebuild Evangelion movies from the start since he never watched it before. He planned to go to Yamaguchi prefecture, the birthtown of Evangelion’s author to watch the last movie.)

Y****: I’m reading Toro Hedoro! I recommend it!

I: I do read that. Don’t underestimate me! I do read One Piece as well, but half-way through.

C: You can watch the Evangelion movie on Amazon Prime.

I: I wanna watch the final movie at the cinema. Has the final movie come out? It has? But I’m still gonna watch at the cinema.

C: Have you read Tokyo Ghoul?

I: Nope.

C: I recommend Tokyo Ghoul!

I: Is that so? I have a story regarding TG, but it’s probably gonna be quite deep.

C: One Piece has reached 100 volumes!

I: That guy and Odacchi have reached 100 volumes, right? Hahaha. That guy is Luffy, while Odacchi is Oda sensei. Hahaha. I can’t call him that. Odacchi is Oda sensei and Kishikage is Kishimoto sensei. I see, that guy has reached 100 volumes? Way to go! Hahaha! No one is watching this anyway. I’ll properly lick his boots if he’s in front of me, since he’s the real deal. I’ll be very obedient and sucking up to him.

(t/n: Ishida was using the word ‘aitsu’ to refer Eichiro Oda. As far as I know, it’s an impolite way of calling someone older or in higher status than you in Japan.)

C: He’s scarier than Hikakin (a Japanese youtuber.)

I: Right. We are in the same industry after all. But I think Young Jump and Jump are different subsidiaries. Although, Hara sensei seems to have met with Odacchi, so maybe there’ll be an opportunity for me to meet him. But probably no. Someone like me won’t be able to meet Eichiro Oda sensei. I won’t meet him. He seems like a unique person.

*Ishida talking about an illustrator and youtuber called Saito Naoki.

(t/n: I couldn’t translate the first half of this part because they’re talking about something that had happened, and I don’t know the context of it.)

I: The name ‘Saito Naoki’ is very nice. Is it a pen name? It totally sounds like a real name though.

C: Are you close with Kishida Mel? (t/n: Kishida Mel is an illustrator and a character designer.)

I: I’ve never met him, but Kiyoppi, Kiyohara Hiro sensei and Melcchi are good friends. He’s like a friend of my friend. You have things like that, right? 

C: The name ‘Ishida Sui’ is cool!

I: I seriously wanna change my pen name. I wanna change to something like Gengoro. I wanna change to a manlier name. I didn’t give a thought about my name before. I used that name because I thought I was gonna be famous in the future, so I didn’t wanna use my real name. I seriously thought that I couldn’t become a mangaka if my real name was exposed. I was like “Since I’m gonna be famous, let’s avoid using my real name.” I was being vigilant about it, so I half-heartedly named my pen name.

I: The name Gengoro is nice. Tagami Gengoro. Tokyo Ghoul’s author, Tagami Gengoro. The Tokyo Ghoul’s author, Tagami Gengoro’s exhibition is now open. I’d definitely sounds like a bearded fatty. With round glasses to top it off. Isn’t Tagami Gengoro a character from a gay manga?

*Ishida searching for Tagami Gengoro.

I: Everyone, don’t search for it. I’m scared something dirty will appear. Is it not? Oh, it isn’t. what’s the name again? There is a character named something Gengoro, right? It’s Tagame Gengoroh! I got it now! Tagame Gengorohw as born in 1964 and a Japanese mangaka. He calimed himself to be a ‘Gay Erotic Artist’. This is the one! It’s Tagame Gengoroh sensei. 

*Ishida was looking at Tagame Gengoroh sensei’s illustrations.

I: This one. Wow, this is indeed gay! Hahaha.

C: I can’t believe it came out of your mouth.

I: Surprisingly, I do talk about these kind of stuffs. (t/n: I mean, he’s the man who wrote a whole R-18 chapter.)

I: So, I can’t use the name Gengoro, since there’s someone with this name.

C: Is the name ‘Ishida Sui’ an anagram of your Surname?

I: Yes, it is.

C: Are you gay?

I: Hahaha! Even if that’s true, you didn’t have to ask that kind of question! Let’s just say that I’m okay with both.

C: Kuso Miso. (t/n: Kusomiso is a gay manga.)

I: Of course, I’d be reading them (probably referring to gay manga). I mean, manga like Kuso Miso Technique are popular, right?

C: Ishida GayGoro.

I: Hahaha. That’s just gay.

C: You’ve been to a gay bar before, right?

I: Not at all. When I was hanging out with the staffs, Goubaru said he wanted to go to a Okama bar while crying.

(t/n: According to the internet, Okama is a term referring to guys who adapted female characteristics.)

C: I think it’s completely normal to be gay nowadays.

I: We’re talking about gay now. It’s not normal in the first place. It’s just a sexual orientation. If you pick on every little thing, everything will become a problem. Those who deliberately say they’re not prejudiced against gays are actually are. Even if you tell that to people, they’ll probably filter what they wanna say. They’d be conscious of every single thing they say. Things like that don’t matter.

C: Sensei, let’s talk about something else.

I: Why? I’m okay with it.

C: I’m bi.

I: Does it matter? It’s okay.

C: It’s difficult to say something regarding gender issues, right?

I: Well…It’s difficult, since it’s concerning your mindset. It doesn’t only apply to gender issues; you can hurt someone by making careless remarks.  It’s just that you sometimes accidentally let out your opinions. I also think I sometimes make unnecessary remarks, so I might do that.

C: I want to be embraced by Masataka Kubota. (t/n: Masataka Kubota is a Japanese actor who played as Kaneki in the live-action.)

I: That’s right. Must be nice. I want us to embrace each other.

Part 3

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

What do you think of JM’s updated Spotify? I don’t normally read into things, but his song choices makes me sad. “At my worst” “I can’t be myself (excuse me while I cry) & “When was it over?” With the lyrics “was it that fight we didn’t have when I came in? Was it the first time you saw me drunk? Second time I said I’m sorry?” It sounds like a replay of Vmins dumpling incident and it worries me. JM looked off in the recent live, almost sad and pouty lately. Do you think I’m over analyzing it?

Admin 1: The short answer to this would be: yes, you are over analyzing things.

The longer one would be that, for example, Pink Sweat$'s At My Worst isn't a sad song, it's actually the exact opposite. It's a very cute and romantic song. Just look at the first verse:

Can I call you baby? Can you be my friend? Can you be my lover up until the very end? Let me show you love, oh, no pretend Stick by my side even when the world is caving in, yeah

I'd actually argue this kinda sounds like a mixture between Sweet Night and Friends when it comes to the sentiment of those words. I’ve seen some people even claim that this will replace Ed Sheeran’s romantic songs that have so far been used at every wedding ever because of how sweet it is.

Then we have Justin Bieber’s I can’t be myself which I believe you probably only looked at the title and jumped to conclusions because, again, this isn’t a sad song either. The lyrics are more about how Justin (or whoever) cannot be himself when you (I’d guess he likely means his wife) isn’t by his side, thus wanting to say that he is happiest and most himself when they are together. It’s sweet and lovely, not sad.

I could travel any place But without you, it's just runnin' around (Girl, I'm just runnin' around) They could open Heaven's gates But without you, I'm just stuck in the clouds (Yeah, yeah)

Lastly, from the songs you specifically highlighted, is Sasha Sloan’s when was it over? which yes, I’ll admit this one is a sad song about not being able to let go even though you know there is nothing left. The song though has a very calm sound, something you’d listen to in the evening, and something I could see both him and Tae like listening to, not because Jimin relates to the lyrics but because it’s simply a pretty song.

On my current playlist I have Stromae’s Formidable, a song about a heartbroken man getting wasted after a breakup. I’ve neither gotten my heart broken nor am I sad and yet I still love this song because it’s just a really good song. Sometimes that’s the only reason we need to listen to a song. Nothing more to it.

All that to say that I don’t believe there is any correlation whatsoever to be made here, especially since Tae and Jimin look more than happy in recent months (did you notice Jimin happily smiling at Tae during their most recent performance of Butter for Colbert at the beginning of their subunit dance?) and there is nothing that could indicate to us that something went wrong between them, or that Jimin could be sad or something bad going on with him. I mean, look at JKs playlist and the fact that he has Billie Eilish’s Your Power on it, applying your thought process, does that mean that JK is trying to tell us he went through something similar to Billie? That he is sad? Or do you think he simply recommended that song because he likes Billie’s music? The last one seems the most likely, doesn’t it?

So, to sum it all up, there is absolutely no need to worry, seriously.

Admin 2: In the evenings, when it's very quiet and my big city has fallen asleep, I really enjoy listening to Sweet Night. I also like to go back to 4 O'Clock from time to time (although I know I will cry). Does that mean I missed my chance in life to be with my beloved? No and no again! I've never been in a situation like this, I wasn't unhappy or "fragily" in love, no one abandoned me or cheated on me. I listen to these songs because I love them. They match the mood of the evening and calm me down despite the sad lyrics and let me fall asleep peacefully.

I am a person who listens to a lot of songs from the past; Songs that remind me of situations, remind me of years of studying, enable me to relive certain situations.

Dear Anon, thank you very much for your question (confession), but I admit that I see it as "looking for some kind of backdoor" so to speak, a way to create a loophole and deny everything after all.

I don't know who you are, I don't know if you really are a Vminnie, but I think you are clinging to any possibility of a situation to undermine the reality or existence of Vmin. That's how I see it, if I offend you, I apologize. The more we get new materials about Tae and Jimin every day, like them being cute in the McDonald's behind the scenes, the more such "sad thoughts" we get sent to us through asks every day.

Firstly, I'm not sure if Jimin (and Taehyung) is fluent enough in English to capture the accuracy of the lyrics and understand its message. Of course, you can translate it, but for that to happen first the song has to catch your attention, and usually it's the melody and the overall feeling of a song that does it, and not the lyrics. And that is the point!

I think Jimin picked these tracks because he simply likes them. Perhaps he first paid attention to the melodies and the mood and only then understood the lyrics sometime later.

A lot of people (including me) hear some kind of song instead of another because they are intrigued by the melody or the association with a particular situation. The mood that fits the moment, the weather, the time of day or many other things which lead us to choose this song and not another.

Maybe Jimin and Taehyung were driving at night and listening to the song on the radio, maybe they were in a romantic mood back then, just having dinner together or taking a half bath together. Ha ha, I know I am deceiving and romanticizing what I am saying to reflect the vast possibilities and reasons why you listen to music like this and no other. Jimin putting together this list of songs for his spotify playlist doesn't mean he listens to it all the time, every day, but that he has the songs he likes on his list and chose the ones he wants to hear right now, or that he thought ARMY could like.

Of course, I'm sure he listens to very different songs during exercising than the one lying in bed before falling asleep. Maybe he's listening to this list, just like we hear the songs from BTS? We know individual words after repeating them several times, and we generally know (as we decide to read translations) what is going on in a particular song, but we don't understand all the words accurately. Not all of us are in the same situation as described in a particular song, but still we listen to it because we like it, because BTS sings it, because we are waiting for a solo from Suga etc. etc. etc.

For some time now we have been seeing (I see) Vmin happy, even very happy, as if "after the night the day came and after the storm came peace" (by the way, these are the words of one of my favorite songs), I have the impression that Vmin have finished fighting all their fights and they are just happy now, finally. Taehyung looks like a million dollars, he's literally glowing and far more lively than he was a year ago.

To him, Jimin is like smooch like butter and someone he likes the most. Taehyung is a handsome and hot chingu for Jimin who he also likes him the most as well. Tell me dear Anon, where is there room for fear and doubt in the love they share? Why and on what basis do you suspect that Vmin has broken up, or is having problems, or that either of them is unhappy? Besides, if one of them has an off day or is simply tired after a packet schedule and thus doesn't look as animated, why is that immediately read as "Jimin and Tae aren't together anymore" or "they are drifting apart" when chances are far more likely that it has nothing to do with their bond? Based on the playlist, or based on Vlive, or maybe based on both of these events, what is the correlation?

I've seen the Vlive. To tell the truth, I didn't see a sad and pouty Jimin there. Instead, I saw Taehyung smiling and content, and Jimin smiled and admired Tae's new hairstyle. I watched the latest BTS interviews. Vmin stared at each other, Jimin stared at Tae with a big smile that only grew in size and the two communicated with their eyes.

Jimin caressed Taehyung's back/butt in the Butter MV making Episode and said there’s butter here (though it wasn’t translated in the subs).

In the McD ad they were together and standing next to each other, even with Jimin resting his head on Tae's shoulder and then Jimin eating Tae's chicken nugget from his hand.

Honestly, I don't know what else Vmin would have to do to keep people from doubting their bond and happiness. They have shown us so much, I think they have reached the limit of what can be said without saying it bluntly.

Most importantly, this is a very interesting situation as we have never had as much "dubious news/content" (not meant negatively at all) as we have now after Taehyung's interview with his ‘confession’/clarification about Sweet Night. To me it smells a bit like someone wants to cause fear or plant the seed of doubt, or be like a trojan horse with the underlying idea of course being that "well...we must be wrong" even though there’s no reason for us to believe/think that.

[ae3qe27u]

The Galley-Slaves’ Lament

EDIT: I realized that I mistranslated et point d’cravatte - I’ll update that now.

So I went down a rabbit hole the other day, and I found the lyrics (in French) for a song that was sung by the galley slaves of France (early/mid 1800s). I found two versions - one had verses 1, 2, 3, and 5 (I think) and the other had verses 1, 2, 4, and 5. I combined it all together and ran it through Google Translate. Thought I’d share the results.

Translation:

The chain: it's hail, but it's equal. It does no harm.

Our clothes are scarlet. We wear instead of hats caps and stock point. (orignally caps and no tie before I realized my mistake) * It made a brush for the frills**. (see notes - special translation) (my alternative: Our bristles are lace // It makes brushes our neckpiece)

We would be wrong to complain. We are spoiled children and it's fear of losing us that we are held in chains.

When the time comes to stuff your stomach, forward the beans! It's not good, but it gets in - everything like the best stew.

Our curse would have been worse if, like pretty cadets, we were made shorter at the Abbey of Mount Regret.

Original:

La Chaîne ç'est la grêle mais c'est égal c'a ne fait pas d'mal

nos habit sont écarlate nous portons au lieu d'chapeaux des bonnets et point d'cravatte C'a fait brosse pour les jabots.

nous aurions tort de nous plaindre nous sommes des enfans gâtés et c'est crainte de nous perdre que l'on nous tient enchaînés

quand vient l'heur' de s'bourrer l'ventre en avant les haricots! Ca n'est pas bon, mais ça entre Tout comm' le meilleur fricot.

Notr' guignon eût été pire si, comme de jolis cadets on nous eût fait raccourcire a l'abbaye d'Monte-à-regret

Notes:

I find it interesting that they chose hail - as in the ice that falls from the sky - for the first stanza. A thing that comes down and beats upon you, I suppose.  “The chain” refers to the line of prisoners who were bound together by a physical chain. Okay, so grêle has turned out to be a bit more difficult than I thought it would be. The first guess was “hail,” supported by a quick google search and a quick plug into a translator. Then I started looking at alternate meanings and saw that it has some interesting etymology. Honestly? I’ll make a separate textpost about grêle because it’s kinda cool. Some other notes about grêle - it can mean “pockmarked,” “slender/spindly/delicate,” “high-pitched and without resonance” (like a thin voice), “hail,” or “something that falls like hail” (ex. a hail of bullets, a volley). Hail, however, is the most common modern meaning of the word. (grêlon, for example, is the direct and only translation of “hailstone.”)

c'a ne fait pas d'mal literally means “it does not do badness” or “it did not do of bad,” but the meaning is a bit more complex. From what I can tell, an approximate translation would be somewhere between “it cannot be harmful,” “it doesn’t do any harm,” and “it couldn’t hurt.” The original translation result from Google was “it didn’t hurt,” which I feel implies a physical pain in this context. It seems to be more of a saying - something like “Ça ne fait pas de mal d'essayer” means “it doesn’t hurt to try.”

* et point d’cravatte was mistranslated at first. Google provided two possible translations - “and no tie” and “and tie point.” Since searching “tie point” got me nothing but pictures of ties, I just threw my hands up, said “French is weird,” and moved on. A more accurate translation is now reflected above: “and stock point.” A stock point is a small piece of metal that was used to hold a cravat or a stock in place during the day. (A stock, in this context, is basically a detachable, upturned shirt collar.) Analogous is a tie pin or a hatpin. Here, I believe that it references the iron collar that the convicts wore - specifically the iron pin/s that held the two halves of the collar together.

** Jabot is a word in both French and English. In French, it can mean either the crop of a bird (as in the digestive pouch in the esophagus) or the shared meaning, which is a type of neckwear. The neckwear (a piece of ruffled lace or cloth) became popular in the 1650s and lasted well into the Victorian era for both men and women. By the Edwardian era, however, jabots were smaller and primarily worn by women. For the alternative line, I switched some stuff around (ex. cravate vs jabot) to get a better feel for the meaning. What I believe it’s saying here is a joke by the bagnards that their coarse and lopsided facial hair acted like a fine man’s lace.

Guignon has no good direct translation, but it roughly means “persistent bad luck.” I chose to replace it with “curse” for a meaning that carries a similar connotation. “Misfortune” could also work. Similarly, fricot has a couple meanings. Directly, it means “roughly cooked food.” It is synonymous with rata, which is “coarse stew served to soldiers” and/or “bad food poorly prepared.” Another synonym is frichiti, which is a cooked mean of generally poor quality.

The root/infinitive of raccourcire is raccourcir, which means “to shorten.” This specifically seems to mean to make an item shorter - the examples given for the translation are “this skirt has shortened in the wash” and “shorten a dress.” When I was first figuring this translation out, I thought it meant to shorten one’s lifespan; I realized the joke once I dug a little deeper. “Monte-à-regret“ means “mountain of regret,” and the phrase as a whole (l'abbaye d'Monte-à-regret) is a term for the guillotine.

I also added some punctuation to the translation - the original is left as-is. This includes c vs ç - everything is left as it was written. Er, actually, it seems I missed a couple letters. I went ahead and fixed that

[peggysousfan]

Fic Writer Review

Thanks for the tag @happygtyhvf!!

1. How many do you have on Ao3?

59 but not all of them are written works, a handful are simple manips or aesthetics posted individually

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

564,111.... And that’s only published works😅

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Four technically. There’s The 100, Agent Carter, Captain America the First Avenger, and Marvel’s Avengers.

4. What are your top 5 five by kudos?

Alternate World (23843 words and 386 kudos)

What If (Season 5 AU)  (33272 words and 310 kudos)

The Head and the Heart  (23448 words and 304 kudos)

I Choose You  (27364 words and 278 kudos)

Lone Wolf  (56405 words and 224 kudos)

All of these are from The 100 and only 3 of them are completed! Whoops

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Yes! I try to respond to each and every comment asap. but on certain stories I try to respond when I plan on updating the next chapter either soon or the following day, just to give the readers and commenters a head’s up. Other times I have no idea what to say in response to not sound like a robot so it takes a while to think of something lol

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Ooohh That would definitely be Project New Generation. I am suppose to make a series to rectify the angst and horror and heartbreak of this story but I don’t know if I will anytime soon😭 If any of my followers have not read this it is not for the faint of heart and there are many TW’s in this.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I have written a few crossovers but in moderately similar fandoms. The its between  either Agent Carter/SHIELD Crossover or Agent Carter/ Avengers crossover.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes, and it hurts every time. But lately I have been standing up for myself and being politely rude and telling the haters off. There’s no reason for the BS

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Sometimes, but most often only if requested or challenged to do so. Its just basic smut, nothing too kinky (I think I wrote breeding kink once? But it was mild and requested). I honestly hate writing explicit smut, it makes me uncomfortable. As someone who (TMI btw) Has no sexual feelings for people in general and has no experience whatsoever in the department, I don’t like writing smut. I can gloss over the topic but getting into details is not something I like to do at all.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

There was a app that copped fics and mimicked everything on the website and took many writers stores for profit. A mutual had informed me several of my stories were on that app. I have no idea if it is still happening or not

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t believe so

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes and it was rather fun actually!

13. What is your all time favourite ship?

Tough question since I’m in between fandoms. But rn I have to say bellarke, but peggysous is a very close second!!

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Ouch. I am doing all that I can to finish all POSTED WIP’s, however those in drafts? That is another story...😐 I’ll do one for each fandom. so for Agent Carter I don’t think I will ever finish a story of Daniel's past before the show with him meeting Peggy during the war and having a romance being torn by war. like they meet and fall in love and she gets selected for the Super Soldier program and is pulled away. Not canon related at all I know, but it was a idea in the back of my head I started and now has been in drafts for a year🤷‍♀️

As for The 100 I started a fic of Spacekru being able to listen to Clarke’s radio calls each and every day but never being able to talk to her. Each chapter switches POV from space and Earth and I haven’t touched it in months🤦‍♀️

15. What are your writing strengths?

I have no idea... does having a million ideas count? If so than that lol But in all seriousness I have no clue. If I had to guess I would say character portrayal and maybe descriptions?

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Same as strength... too many ideas. Once I start a story I get supper excited and then have another idea and abandon the last one for a while. Its even worse if Its published bc then I absolutely have to finish that story😬 Also I am horrible at tenses. I mix them up a lot and its a horrible habit!!

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I love the idea and when I see another language being used in stories. My only concern as for reading and/or writing this is accuracy. I am fluent in one language and know very little of two others I’m studying(Well trying to study) So When writers do use other languages and integrate them into their works, I think it is best to be as accurate as possible and ask for help form a native speaker if possible.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

House of Anubis! Though I will never be able to publish them (And I honestly never would if I could) They’re all written in a notebook back when I was 11 and I let my friend have it to read and I have never seen her since I transferred schools, so.... yeah.

19. What’s your favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Uh.... That’s  tough one. I would have to say for Agent Carter my favorite would be Agent Carter an AU Series. This story is on Hiatus for now until I can find time to write it again but its just a soft story and a slow burn Peggysous with baby Stephanie. Its heart melting and I love it. Granted it need to do a lot of revision and editing but it is my favorite for this fandom. For The 100  I’d have to say The Head and the Heart!

tagging @bellamyblakru, @cuppatealove, @truth-renowned, @xxawalkinwonderlandxx, @fandomsandxfiles, and any one else if you want to! no pressure :) I just chose some mutuals that I know write fic lol

[goldencorecrunches]

@lady-of-the-lotus I’ve done it. I’ve written, G-d help me, YaoYang fanfiction. I hope you’re happy. I hope you forget about your soup on the burner and it scorches. (Also on AO3 for fancy linked footnotes)

---

Must one dread what others dread?

--Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

.

What have I done? Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

--Jean Valjean, Les Misérables (Musical)

.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha’aretz.[1]

 --Jewish blessing said prior to eating an olive-bulk or more of bread (unless, of course, you disagree).

---------

It was a bright and balmy day, the third of the cultivation conference, and Sect Leader Yao was being insufferable. He was well outfitted for it. He had woken from his insufferable, snoring sleep and demanded an insufferable breakfast, the specifications of which made the most highly-ranked, honor-festooned cook in Jin Tower break down into tears and resign on the spot. He put on his most insufferable underpants on under his most insufferable robes, and tied back his hair in the insufferable style that he favored, the one that made him look like a badly turned rotten beet.[2] He had even spent fifty minutes manipulating his face in an insufferable series of facial expressions in the mirror, involving him at several points “losing” his own reflection only to “find” it again at the corner of the polished bronze, much to his own amusement—though not, it might be stated, to the amusement of the junior launderer he demanded watch his performance.

The hall had been surprisingly vacant of other unoccupied servants, when Sect Leader Yao had checked. All that scurrying and burrying! Well, servants should be busy, anyway: that was the way, and the way was right, HRRGNH. “That Was the Way, And The Way Was Right, HRRGNH,” was the latest of the updated mottos Sect Leader Yao had thought of for his sect. Though it was an excellent guiding principal and pure poetry upon the senses, it had two drawbacks. The first was that the tonally-important HRRGNH at the posterior end of the phrase was obtained by means of thrusting the hips forward, curling the torso, and letting the resulting force of air displaced escape through the mouth. This was, Sect Leader Yao allowed, not very dignified.  

Still, all was not lost. Sect Leader Jiang had scowled upon seeing it, but he was always scowling so he didn’t count. Sect Leader Lan had looked intrigued. Sect Leader Nie had applauded, and asked whether it would be possible to pass gas from below at the same time; a very tactless comment, Sect Leader Yao had thought, considering the gastrointestinal distress he was so often plagued by, which Sect Leader Nie should know about, as Sect Leader Yao had described it to him at length, frequently. He had reminded Sect Leader Nie of this with appropriate grace. It was good to show these young sprites how to conduct oneself with the proper manners. The second problem was that Sect Leader Yao did not, and had not for several years, have a sect. It was not something Sect Leader Yao liked to think about, so he largely didn't.

On the way to the discussion hall Sect Leader Yao felt a whisper, on the back of his neck. It was the slimiest whisper anyone had ever felt, and it carried with it the vague sense that someone had been watching you, through a crack in the wall, the last time you were alone in the bathroom. It also carried the powerful scent of moldy incense. Sect Leader Yao turned and spread his arms wide. “Sect Leader Ouyang!” It was his best, insufferable, friend. His worst friend, too, being his only, but Sect Leader Ouyang took on both roles with ease. They’d stabbed each other, once, over a hunk of demonic metal. Ah, memories were truly the jewels of life. Sect Leader Ouyang grimaced like a dead cat, which was his version of a pleased smile, and bowed. Sect Leader Yao bowed back. When he rose he waggled his eyebrows. Sect Leader Ouyang snapped open his fan and wafted, with the gentle flutter of a category five hurricane, several lungfuls of moldy incense. They had totally sucked face last night. It had been swag.[3] “What’s on the docket for today?” “I believe it is something to do with that Jin boy. An honor ceremony he’s attempting to put together. If he expects my sect to pay for it, I’ll want to know why.” Sect Leader Ouyang sniffed. He did that a lot. Sect Leader Yao lovingly passed over a handkerchief.

The Jin boy’s proposal was indeed the first major case discussed, after the necessary canapés and complaints about the accommodations had been passed around.[5] It was a matter the boy had clearly put much thought into, and one dear to his heart; he presented it with an earnest timbre that would have swayed a petrified forest. Unfortunately, earnestness was outside of Sect Leader Yao’s testicular-sized sphere of understanding. “He’s grubbing for money, you’ll see,” Sect Leader Yao said, in an overtone[6] to Sect Leader Ouyang. Sect Leader Yao considered himself wise to the ways of the conniving, since he, the aforementioned, sometimes cheated at cards. His friend-now-daring-conquest nodded and glared across the room. He was aiming for the Jin boy, but missed, and caught a rather startled wine-pourer on the side. “You ought to say something,” Sect Leader Ouyang said. That was an excellent idea. It was always, in Sect Leader Yao’s opinion, the right time for him to be talking. “Hey!” he shouted, waving his arms over his head like an extremely drunk aircraft marshal. “Hey! What’s this got to do with Wei Wuxian?” “It…doesn’t,” said the Jin boy, who was in fact Sect Leader Jin, and who while admittedly young outranked Sect Leader Yao to a degree that would make you wince and say whoee it’s a scorcher if you saw it on an outdoor thermometer. “Ridiculous!” Sect Leader Yao said. “We all know it does! Stop trying to bamboozle us with dacquoise!”[7] Sect Leader Jiang had stopped scowling in approval and had begun to scowl in apparent constipation. The history between him and Wei Wuxian was somewhat rocky.[8] “Exactly as he says!” Sect Leader Ouyang, the most and least loyal of Sect Leader Yao’s comrades, cut in. He leapt to his feet; several of his neighbors checked, instinctively, to make sure their pants were still up. “You won’t catch us sleeping!” “Hear, hear!” Sect Leader Yao thundered. “Please don’t shout,” Sect Leader Nie hangovered. He had one hand clasped around his temples, the other clutching a cup of water. Sect Leader Yao was surprised he was so bad off. He’d seemed quite sober when he’d stumbled across the totally swag face-sucking betwixt Sect Leaders Yao and Ouyang. Speaking of. Sect Leader Yao turned to look sideways conspiratorially at Sect Leader Ouyang and shoot him finger-bow-and-arrows.[9] Sect Leader Ouyang mimed catching one. Damn, Sect Leader Yao was for sure going to propose marriage after this Wei Wuxian dacquoise was smoked out.

Oh yeah, it was all comin’ up Yao, baby. That was the way, and the way was right.

HRRGNH.

----------

1This blessing has no relevance to the contents of this work. “Honestly,” the author said when questioned, “I’m just trying for all the help I can get.”[return to text]

2A confusing feat, as this was China prior to the year 1000 BCE, Gregorian, and beets had not been invented yet.[return to text]

3“Swag” is neither a genre- nor period-accurate term for the emotion Sect Leader Yao was feeling. However, translation is an art rather than a science,[4] and more atmospheric words fail to communicate to modern English-speaking audiences the true depth of Sect Leader Yao’s douchebaggery. Thus: swag.[return to text]

4"An art rather than a science” is a common phrase used by people who are neither artists nor scientists to describe what they believe to be the difference between these disciplines. One might as well say “a boot rather than a canary”—that is, not the same, but having more in common than people might think.

5There was nothing wrong with the accommodations, and especially nothing any of the poorly-used common folk the attendees lorded over would have found, but if there is one unifying factor among humans it is that they love to complain.[return to text]

6Like an undertone, but the opposite.[return to text]

7A word Sect Leader Yao thought meant “deceit,” but which in fact refers to a tasty meringue-and-cream French pastry.[return to text]

8If by “somewhat rocky” you mean “a high-speed chase over deadly-fast rapids between simultaneous avalanches, and also, there are sharks.”[return to text]

9Small handheld firearms, aka “guns,” had also not been invented yet.[return to text]

[catoperated]

Thanks to @suppuration for tagging me! Uh… I guess I tag @ryttu3k @curiousserpent @dysphorie @pendragyn (and anybody else who wants to!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22 officially. More are orphaned.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

296655

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Please Don’t Eat the Flowers (TMA) 599

Cocoon is Accurate but Chrysalis Sounds Better (TMA) 563

Pride and Joy (BNHA) 537

Secrets and Dry Eyes (BNHA) 364

Weather the Storm Together (BNHA) 285

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, even if I’m a month late responding or the comment is just a heart emoji, I like people to know I see them and appreciate them.

5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

A Kiss Before You Go to Hell in which Jonah Magnus gets his soul sucked out by his ghost ex. I don’t even dislike him as a character that much, but damn.

6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Pride and Joy (it’s finally over, woo) ends on a very hopeful note and a bad joke.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Yes, and completely ignoring that my most popular fic is a kinda weird crossover, the silliest one is The Winter Human bar none.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not the usual “how dare you write this” hate, but I did delete a JonGerryMichael fic (Blind Spot) that was about 75k words and counting because I not only wrote myself into a corner, but because people were getting really shitty about story choices already made in a “I guessed where this is going incorrectly and now I’m furious you did this instead” manner. Since I was already having trouble figuring out how to end it, I decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and deleted it instead. I don’t regret it.

Fanfic is my hobby, something I do for fun, and I’ll rip up anything that makes it no longer fun. I came pretty close to deleting Pride and Joy a few times out of spite due to all the “plz update” comments, but I really liked the story and eventually wanted to finish it on my own terms, so it was spared.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

There’s exactly one (1) explicit story by me that still has my pseud attached. I orphaned it in a fit of pique because someone made fun of the fact it only involves a handjob. I’ve since stopped hanging around fandom/ship specific discord servers and my mental health improved tremendously. Who knows? I might write more smut in the future.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I’m aware.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I think that’s one of my orphaned works. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Don’t make me choose. It’s more than I have a type, and it’s tall blond ray of sunshine and his moody dark haired lover.

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Probably Hands-On. I know exactly how it ends but it’s very low on my list of priorities right now.

15. What are your writing strengths?

When I get going I can bang out thousands of words in no time, one chapter after another. Boom, boom, boom.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

When that moment passes I’ll be unable to write for weeks. Also falling into the trap of bland back and forth dialogue where nothing else is happening. Trying to do better on that.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

You mean like native Spanish speakers randomly injecting Spanish into their speech to remind you of it? That’s bad.

I try to avoid full-on dialogue in other languages cause Google translate is my only recourse, but I provide a translation if I do and am welcome to corrections from fluent speakers.

Mostly I just say “he said something she didn’t understand” for I am a coward.

18. What’s the first fandom you wrote for?

Chrono Trigger. Good ol’ Icy Brian’s Fan Fiction Archive. I might rewrite that story one of these days for old time’s sake.

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

I still have a soft spot for Mall Madness since it’s the first thing I ever posted to AO3.

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Best Friend Pact- Part 3: And Now Parents

Calum attempts to drink the sadness away one night at a party, but his friend, Neveah, doesn’t let him completely. And in their stalled journey off sobriety, they make a secret pact. Black!OC. 

CW: Over the course this series there are mentions of pregnancy, birth, death, and death related trauma. Please read, or skip, as necessary. 

Enjoy my masterlist

Support me on kofi

No one has my permission to repost this fic, including translations. All rights reserved. Copyright © be-ready-when-i-say-go.

______________________

Calum's no stranger to the crowded airport, the almost inaudible mumble of announcements for boarding flights. He's no stranger to the fatigue either or cramped in a plane for hours on end. He's all too familiar with the attempts to sleep but never getting proper sleep. As he walks from the terminal to baggage claim, he can already feel the crowd waiting for them. He knows Neveah's waiting just on the other side of the doors. Or at least that's what her last text said before take off. The screams increase and he knows that even with the couple of feet between him and the fans, they are going to be closing in.

He stops for a little bit, posing for a few pictures. But all Calum can think about is her. From the pictures, he can tell her belly's gotten much larger. He wonders what it'll be like to hug her now. He thinks about curling up in bed next to her, to be reunited with his two girls. His chest squeezes at that thought. His girls. He continues on with a couple more pictures, talking just a little with the fans. One voice filters in above the rest, "Excited to go home to Duke?"

Calum finds the fan that mentions it, dark hair and pale skin and nods. "Very excited. Missed him a lot." More threatens to pass over his lips. He misses her too. He misses all the time he could've been curled up next to her baby bump, singing to his little girl. He could say it. There's no more secrecy. Yet, he doesn't let more fall over his lips. 

He keeps on through the crowd and makes it to luggage. He keeps his eyes on the crowd, though Neveah specifically said she would be waiting outside. He watches the luggage carousel go around once, then twice, grabbing bags he can identify. He fidgets at the bracelet on his wrist. There are quite a few more bags to get. He knows it's his turn to help with the luggage to this time. But he just needs her. How big is the bump actually? She's 32 weeks currently and according to the chart, the baby's about seventeen inches long and about 4 lbs.

He bets she's tired. Sleeping is hard now, constantly waking to go to the bathroom. Neveah journals when she can't sleep. Or more accurately, she emails him with what she would put in a journal. Just to help him feel less distance. Her last entry, a couple of days ago was a little rough. She was so worried about her mother, after another visit to the doctor's,  and her sleep is disturbed constantly. It was a rough day. Though thankfully, things with the baby were fine. He pulls his phone from his pocket.

She answers on the first ring. "Would you be pissed if I came inside? I really have to pee."

Calum exhales his laughter, slipping the phone between his ear and shoulder. Another piece of their luggage is coming around. "No, I wouldn't be. Don't bust your bladder."

"Thank God. Ladybug likes kicking my bladder now and I'm not here for it."

"I'm telling you she's going to be a footballer."

"You just might be right about that. Now to find a bathroom in this place. Call me when you're headed for the car, okay?"

Calum turns now, looking out over the crowd. He's much too far to actually spot her. One of their security takes note of his constant crowd searching before offering to find her. "Corey's going to find you. Can you hover around the front entrance so he can walk you back? I need to see you," he whispers.

 All of the security know what she looks like, she's come backstage to a few shows in the past. Calum never passes up the opportunity to show off her latest bump update. Calum knows he's missed a lot. Even with their frequent communication, there's nothing like being there directly in the moment. Most of this pregnancy is all second handed to him. He hates that.

"Yeah," her voice turns into an echo. She's found the bathroom. "I can do that."

"Now, go pee. Make it quick."

She chuckles. "Don't make me laugh! But I'll try." The call ends and Calum releases a deep breath, still trying to spot her in the crowd. It's pointless, so he turns back to the carousel and helps with the last bits of luggage. A few minutes pass, triple checking that all the bags have been grabbed. Calum holds some bags steady as the last one is precariously placed on the top of the pile.

"No, let him suffer since he doesn't want to turn around," she laughs.

Calum spins around on his heel, heart racing in his chest. His hands immediately turn clammy. It's her. Actually Neveah in front of him. Not on a screen, not just her voice. It's really her, hair somehow longer than he remembers. Still just as thick, her voice just the same. The all too telling sting hits the back of his eyes. He blinks rapidly, a smile lifting his cheeks. He has the urge to run up to her, lift her up, but he can't do that. He just smiles for a beat, before his brain finally reconnects and he walks to her, wrapping her up tightly. It's not too awkward, he thinks, to hug her. There's definitely some readjusting. He finds he leans down a bit more. "It's been too long," he states, pulling back a little.

"It hasn't been that long," she counters with a head tilt.

Calum wraps his fingers around hers on one hand, gently resting his other against the side of her stomach. "You're so far along. It's been that long."

"There's still plenty of time left and still a lot left to do."

"You promise me you haven't bought the car seat without me."

"We are car seat-less. My dad and I put the crib together. But the rocking chair still needs assembly. Thankfully there's already a dresser in there."

"What about the bookshelf?"

"Just ordered and got an email today that it shipped."

"I ordered some baby clothes. They should be arriving this week."

"You didn't even consult me. You better not having my little girl looking crazy."

"Ladybug will not be going around lookin' crazy. Her mother would have me killed if I did."

"You damn straight I would." Her laughter falls out in a tuft. 

His gaze follows the lines of her face, taking in the puff to her cheeks, the full brows, the bridge of her nose, down to her lips. He lingers there, tongue flicking out to lick his lips. He could kiss her. He wants to kiss her. Just not here. Too many cameras. He knows even in the bustle of the airport, phones are recording, people are waiting. "Is there something in my teeth? I got hungry right before leaving, so I ate something quick," she rushes out.

He shakes his head, the heat making his whole face hot at being caught. "No, there's nothing."

Almost like she can understand what's left unsaid, she stretches up a little kissing his cheek. Calum's smile brightens as she winks at him. She knew, he figures. But he's not shocked. She knows him well. Calum just shakes his head. "I know," she laughs. "I know."

With all the luggage situated, they begin to head towards the vans. The crowd thickens a little, making Calum a little nervous. He pulls her closer and a little behind him, trying to use himself as a way to part the people. The flashes pick up a little, some paps lingering a little too eagerly for something, anything really. She feels his grip tighten around her hand. She squeezes back, a silent I'm okay. The muscle in his jaw twitches a little, noticing some people still pushing in. He shouldn't have asked her to come to him. He should've just waited like they had planned on. It was safer. There wouldn't have been a crowd for her to deal with. There would be no pictures that could be surfacing now as they walk. "Give us a little space, please," Corey states, not even needing to look back.

The walk is tense, keeping her head ducked a little. The crowd does listen though, creating a deep pocket around them. They get outside. Calum helps a little, grabbing his bags along the way. Halfway done with the cart, he gets told to just go home. That they can handle the rest. He doesn't question the gesture and turns to find her, humming to herself, hands nestled on the bump. He takes a moment to watch her. Her back has to be aching. She talks about it a lot. He knows she has about three pairs of shoes she can wear that fit due to the swelling of her feet. Her bladder is not hers anymore, hardly of her is really hers. But somehow even though it's a physical toll, she manages to still look beautiful. Still manages to keep a smile on her face.

Calum grabs his carry on, throwing it over his shoulders and drags the two suitcases behind him. "We ought to get you home," he says softly, watching her tilted head still angled at the sky. "What do you see?"

"Nothing, just thinking."

"About?"

A soft grin rests on her lips before she shakes her head. "Really want to know?"

"Would I have asked if I didn't want?"

"Touche." Neveah takes a waddle closer to him, a shuffle step. "Really want to know? Final chance." He watches her eyes flicker down to his lips before looking back up his eyes. He exhales at the same moment she inhales- they share the same breath. Should he kiss her right here? It wouldn't be difficult, a small tilt of her chin, bending down just ever so slightly and he could brush his lips over hers. So, so, so fucking easy.

Calum nods. "I really want to know." There's a beat, a moment where both of them realize what's about to happen. He's really going to kiss her. Not that he hasn't kissed her forehead and temples before. Not that she hasn't kissed his cheek. But this is different though. This is more intimate. Then the moment leaves replaced by the brush of their lips against each other. It's closed-mouth, her lips soft, his a little chapped. As she goes to pull back from their shared breathe, Calum cups her cheek. "One more time. I didn't catch it all the first," he grins, pulling her back in for another kiss.

Her lips are lifted into a grin; he can feel it against his own. They part. She hums. "I don't think I caught it all that time." A soft and breathy exhale of a laugh ghosts over her face as they kiss one last time.

Calum wraps his hand around the side of her face, bringing his head up and kissing the top of her head. "Thank you," he says quietly.

"You don't have to keep thanking me."

"But I do. This is no easy thing you're doing and I am absolutely blown away by your strength. Besides you always thank the Queen." Laughing into his chest, Neveah imprints the smell of his bodywash into her brain once again.

The second Calum steps through the door of his house, Duke is waiting, tail wagging. The reunion is sweet, involving Duke climbing Calum's chest. Then all three of them curling up in bed for a quick nap. The nap quickly turns into about 4 hours of sleep. He pads into the kitchen, scratching at his hair as he shuffles, eyes still squinting to the lights in the house. The bedroom was dark, shades were drawn, almost as if night had settled into the room itself. "Welcome to the land of the living," she jokes, situated at the bar, a cup of tea in her hand.

"Welcome indeed," he rasps. "I'll get started on putting the rocking chair together."

"That can wait. Get something to eat and sleep. You've been around the world in just a couple of months. Breathe."

"I don't want to spend too much unconscious. Want to spend time with you."

"I'm not very fast anymore. I'm not really going anywhere. And I pee every five seconds. I wouldn't make it far."

Calum watches yet another hour of the wee morning tick by and finally decides sleep isn't going to happen for him anymore. The nap earlier threw him completely off. She sleeps on her side, pillows propped under her stomach and between her knees. He gently rubs his palm over the bump, kissing the back of her neck ever so softly. Sitting up, he pushes out of bed, walks around and kisses her stomach. "Love you, ladybug. Sorry I've been gone so long. I can't wait to meet you. Bet you're gonna have your mum's eyes. She has stunning eyes."

Calum sits on the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest, watching the rise and fall of her chest. He's never told her that. It never felt appropriate to say such things until. "I'm sorry to tell you, Ladybug. You're gonna have squishy cheeks too. Daddy might've cursed you with that one. I hope you get Mum's nose. She's got a cute nose." Calum looks up to her face. The urge to trace down the bridge of her nose is strong, trace her cheeks. He won't. She can be a light sleeper sometimes. He doesn't want to wake her.

In the silence, she opens her eyes, reaching her hand out, wiggling her fingers. She notes the width to his eyes now. He didn't mean to wake her. His mouth opens, though she cuts him off before he can speak. "Just give me your hand and keep talking. She likes the sound of your voice."

Calum holds out his hand, letting her place it onto the side of her stomach. He waits for a beat. She nods at him in encouragement. "Mum keeps giving me this look like I should start talking." Something hits his hand. A gasp falls over his lips, breath catching in his throat. "Do that again, sweetheart. Please." Another kick. Tears sting in the back of his eyes. He missed her first real kick. He felt some movement, right before having to leave for promo. But her reaction to him, just the sound of his voice. A laugh falls over his lips, tears falling down his cheeks. "Oh my god."

"You might be right about her and sports. She's quite active. But more at the sound of your voice now."

"You like the sound of my voice, baby?" More movement. "Mum's taking such good care of you, isn't she? You're going to be healthy. I'm so so sorry I've been gone for so long. I know I missed a lot, no doubt."

"You have a lifetime with us. Don't fret," comes her muttered reply. Calum watches, her eyelids fluttering, hand slack around his.

The silence settles around them. She's right. "I'm incredibly happy about that too," he whispers. "A lifetime with you two is all I need."

__

The last couple of weeks, Calum can see the discomfort of her face. Neveah jokes about feeling like an overstuffed turkey. Calum usually responds the same way, a deadpan look followed by, "Gobble gobble." That is until her giggle sends him into a fit of laughter. Outside of trying to get her to laugh through the discomfort, he does the usual, keeping her off her feet as much as possible, keeping french toast at the ready for the call day or night. He's even started rolling tennis balls on her lower back. That usually does the trick. He hates seeing her in rough shape. But he knows there's only so much he can do.

All of this works until she receives news of her mother landing in the hospital. The news is not a shock, things were starting to look bleak. But it's still a gut punch. She could visit, even considered it. But just the mere thought of seeing her mother like that is too much. So they talk on the phone. Calum sets out another plate of french toast, rubbing gently at her shoulders. Listening to the hum, she gives in response to something. "The great name debate continues," she chuckles.

"We both like Ettie. I want Nayely too. But there's no wearing Calum down on that one." She reaches up, extending a strawberry for Calum. He bends down, biting into the berry. Calum can just hear the buzz of her mother's voice through the phone. "That's a good idea. I'll ask him."

Calum looks down, hearing the pitter of claws tapping on the hardwood floor. Duke wags his tail, staring up at him and then her. Duke's been hanging close to her for the last week. I guess the little guy can also sense the bad news. Calum squats down, patting his head. "You'll get cuddles and pets real soon, love. Mum's eating right now."

"Hand me my son."

His chest rumbles at her request.  "Finish eating."

She waves the comment away, phone tucked into her shoulder, wiping her fingers off on the napkin. "I'm done. No, Momma. It's just Duke."

True to the word, all the toast is gone. "You didn't even eat that. You inhaled it practically."

"My specialty," Neveah laughs.

Duke happily settles into her arms as she walks over to the couch. The conversation continues for a few minutes with her mother before her mother has to go. Calum washes the last of the dishes, finishing off just a couple slices of toast for himself. "Your parents are arriving tomorrow morning right?" She calls from the living room.

"Yes." Looking over the counter into the living room, he watches the way she curls up on the couch. She says nothing else, scratching at Duke's stomach. Her due date is two weeks away. Her mother's in the hospital and no one can really determine how much time is left. Her heart is hurting. "Please tell me there's something I can do," he starts. He tries not to choke on his tears.

"I wish I could tell you there was."

He wishes they had gone with the C-section. They had the opportunity to schedule it. Even though neither one of them knew this would be the end of the line, they did consider going for a C-section. It wasn't a sure fire way to make sure that her mother got a chance to meet their child, her grandbaby. It did, however, for a moment seemed like it was a way to get some sort of control over the matter. That's what really hurt the most. The fact remains that no one can control this. It matters not what they want. Time is cruel and unforgiving. Time, they realize, comes for everyone.

Calum sniffles, blinking rapidly. "How about a dip in the pool? You know how your back gets if you sit too long."

She'd rather do nothing. She'd rather sit and sulk. But she can't afford that. Not with their baby girl so close on the horizon. So she nods, her mother would have her ass for not doing some sort of physical activity today. She likes the water exercises. They keep her from too many aches and pains. She's fallen off the bandwagon for sure after the news of her mother. Calum walks over, helping her up off the couch.

"I'm about to be an overstuffed turkey in a bikini," she whispers, hoping to lift the mood.

"You mean the hottest overstuffed turkey in a bikini ever."

She chuckles, fighting a little to get out Calum's sweatpants. The elastic doesn't get tight and she likes the way they fit. He helps tie up the top, the bottoms thankfully slide on easy. She already has a fairly established routine. She wades a little from the stairs and starts with a breaststroke. The water ripples around her, and then Calum as he settles in front of her, chains still wrapped around his neck, gently tapping against his golden chest. "Stop staring at me and do your exercises."

"If I didn't feel like I was going to pop just from a hug, I'd kiss you right now."

The confession, while bold, makes his stomach flutter a little. "Maybe I ought to hug you. Let Ladybug know her time is up."

"She's not golden brown yet. I want to meet her too. But she's not to be rushed. Perfection takes time."

__

Three days come and go since Joy and David arrive at the house. The extra pair of hands is nice. Until the parental instinct comes in. She's used to Calum babying her. That compares nothing to Joy. She means well, making sure all the pillows are fluffed. Calum watches from the kitchen, puffing his cheeks out and crossing his eyes. Just to get a laugh from her, cut through the awkward situation. It works, a soft giggle escapes her in tufts, hands resting on her stomach. His grin is large, the skin around his eyes crinkling.

"You're supposed to be cookin'," his father reprimands with a laugh. "Not makin' faces. You got a hungry woman eating for two over there. Don't be playin' 'bout with my grandbaby."

"If she were hungry enough, she'd eat me. It's alright," he says.

"I would not," she shouts.

"You've threatened it how many times?"

"By some measures, three. But I wouldn't actually do it." The entire house bounces around with laughter.

After breakfast, the day moves by fast. One moment, she's in the pool, Joy going through her exercises when she feels some pressure, a shifting from up high to down low into her pelvis. All the aches and pains happen the last few days cause her to she ignore it. She decides to go to the back for a quick nap, maybe some sleep will help her, settle whatever is happening. Might've done something while exercising. 

There's more pressure when she wakes, even the twinge of a cramp. Her heart races. She's about a week from her actual due date. Her brain she knows what's happening, but maybe it's not. Maybe it's not happening. A few minutes pass when another cramp comes. She rides that one out. But when the next one comes, she tries rolling onto her side. That does not change it. It still spasms around the front of her lower uterus around to her back. Not a cramp, and mostly not like a phantom contraction either. 

She inhales for three seconds and exhales for four trying to push out all the nerves buzzing. They start in her fingers. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Okay. She's prepared for this, right? The bag's already packed. They did the hospital tour. So they know where they're going. She opens her mouth to call for Calum, but nothing comes out. Her throat seizes for a moment, tongue thick in her mouth now. God, oh god. She's in labor. 

With a glance to the alarm clock, she notes that her nap took way longer than she anticipated. It's been about an hour since she woke. The contractions are about five minutes apart if she had to guess. Time them, her brain finally puts together. She finds her phone on the bedside table, opening the app she downloaded two nights prior on Joy's advice. More breathing, inhaling and exhaling as deeply as she can. The next two contractions last for about a minute and are a little less than five minutes apart.

This is labor if she can recall the information correctly. Just tell Calum, she thinks to herself. Pushing up from the bed, she straightens herself up. She exhales, trying to breathe through the pain like she was taught in class. She makes it down the hallway, carefully stepping, afraid of another contraction. His laughter hits her ears, above the thumping in her veins. "Cal!" Neveah finally calls out, her voice finally returning to her, as if all she needed was to remind herself that he's real to make it through this.

There must be something in her tone, something in the way she calls her name because when she looks up, he's already in front of her. Like she slow blinked him into existence. "Everything okay? What's wrong?" The worry knits his brows together. She has half a mind to tell him to pluck the damn caterpillar off his face. But she reframes, sucks the comment back down her throat as she inhales.

"Babe, talk to me." He doesn't like that look on her face, mouth twisted up, nose scrunched. It all reads pain. God, no, he doesn't want to see her in pain. He watches the way she soothes at her stomach.

"Contractions, I think."

He blinks, words not hitting the top of his head yet. But he knows heard them right. Then all at once, his brain finally catches with his body, striding back into the bedroom. He's grabbing his shoes. "Mum, grab her flats, please!" He shouts, typing up the last shoe. "By the door," he continues, slinging the hospital bag over his shoulder.

She stares at Calum. His whole demeanor is different, she feels it as he takes her hand, firm but with a slight tremor. But Neveah knows, she knows what goes on behind that stoic face. She knows the panic settling into his blood. "I'm not dying," she laughs, sliding into the shoes.

"I know." He's gone, not physically. Just mentally replaced. The soft man she knows hardening to the circumstances. The only thing that matters to Calum is that she and their baby are safe and sound.

Calum and David pack up Calum's car snacks, and the hospital bag. It's a wonder that Luke shows up so fast to pick up Duke. But that matters much less to him. He's glad, but worry, and a surge of excitement settles into Calum's gut. This is really happening. Joy settles into the back seat with her, resting Neveah's head into the crook of her shoulder. 

The drive isn't long. At the only major stop light in their route, Calum risks a glance back. She's tucked into his mother's arms. His mom speaks softly to her. The sight eases the tightens in his chest, until he sees another contraction. He notices the distinct hiss she gives when it hits her. Then the squeezing in his chest returns. He can't bear to watch, grasp tightening around the steering wheel.

"She's strong," his dad says. "Stronger than ya think." Calum prays his father is right. Because he needs it. He needs that to be true.

Time loses all meaning in the delivery room. Calum can't tell if it's the same day, the next or two days later. The only thing he focuses on is her, the strange whine as she leans into the birthing ball. Calum sits on the floor next to her, brushing back some of the stray hair, smoothing the cold washcloth over the back of her neck. "You're doing so well, babe."

She laughs. "I thought I was the Queen."

Besides himself, he grins. "You are. And you're a busy Honeybee too."

"I feel like she hasn't moved in ages."

He hears the frustration bleeding into her voice. "Hey, no, no, no, none of that. Just take a deep breath. It's gonna be okay."

Her breathe leaves her in a gasp as she goes to speak again, with a contraction interrupting the thought. She's been stuck at about 7 centimeters for hours now. He's not even sure how long. But he can't think about that. He gets her to breathe through that contraction, watching the way her face exhales too, features lifting and settling in their normal spots, not tense and scrunched together. "Can you put one of my playlists? Please? This silence and machines beeping are driving me insane."

"Anything specific?" Calum unlocks her phone, fingers hovering over the long list of selections.

She hums, whining her way through another contraction. He closes his eyes, trying to suck back the tears. She's hurting, and there's barely a thing he can do to fix that. She finally speaks again. "Something I can dance to, maybe. I–just anything, please."

Calum taps one, paying no attention to the title or the songs. He hears some horns start up and figures it's good enough before making his way back to her. She takes his hands, standing. Calum wipes at her brow, before brushing his fingers over her chin. "Just dance, alright. Just dance."

"Your accent is soothing," Neveah offers as the song shuffles. "Not better than your mom's though."

"That's rude. I've been in the States too long. It just happens naturally."

"Her accent is still better though," she laughs.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The doctor checks on her, still hovering at about 7 centimeters. "You're moving though. You're close. Just keep going. It's working."

She looks up to Calum, drawing a loop with her finger. "Run the playlist one more time, mister DJ." 

Her skin has a slight sheen of sweat. The room's stuffy with all the lights. There's constantly bustle of doctors and nurses. His parents offered to sit out of the room, running updates from their room to her mother's room in the same hospital. It's one of her bad days, one of the days when getting out of the bed makes her too sick. Though now as they try going through the playlist once again, she's tired. She can feel herself wanting to cave, give up. She knew she wouldn't have her mom her to comfort her, but part of her had always wished it were untrue. But time, time thwarts her. Her mother doesn't have a lot of time. Time keeps pushing them one step forward and then pulls them three steps back.

"Babe," Calum tries, noticing the quietness overtaking her. She doesn't respond. "Honey bee?"

Her chest caves. "My mom," she croaks out. "She's so close. But not really."

His eyes search the room, landing on one of the nurses who's been with them since the beginning. "Get my mum, please," his voice cracks a little. "She's in the lobby. Gray jacket and black leggings."

The nurse nods, hastily shuffling out of the room. Calum keeps her in his arms, whispering into her hair.  But Neveah is too far gone, too far in the ache of labor and her yearning heart. The door creaks back open. 

His mother's voice filling his ears. "Alright, no more tears. You've got a baby to focus on, alright? Calum and I are here, sweetheart. Your mum can't meet this baby still inside you, now can she?"

Neveah pulls from his chest. Joy is right. Like she always is. 

While bouncing on the birthing ball, laughing at Calum's ridiculous faces, Neveah notes a sudden release. She hasn't gone on herself. She can at least control that much right now. She can register the pain that overcomes her, but even as it's happening, she wishes she couldn't. She wishes nothing was felt from the chest down. The ball turns into a bed. The pain is transformed into energy to push. Calum takes one hand, her left. Joy settles in on her right, still ushering in her smooth voice words of encouragement. Her doctors and nurses, all female, are lit with a fire, shuffling around the room, counting down for each push.

"I can see the head," her doctor claims. "Stop pushing for me, sweetie. Dad, want a look?"

There's just a peak of the head, some blood but the crown is there. His body floods with pride for a moment. It wanes as the more people flood the room. God, something's going wrong. It has to be for the scrub suits to come out. The bottom half of the bed falls away, replaced by stirrups. Every time Calum blinks something has changed. The light comes down and angled straight up. "You're gonna push for me a couple more times and then it's gotta be over, okay, sweetheart."

"God," she sighs, head falling back.

"You've done all this, Honey Bee. All this. You can give it one last push," Calum encourages.

"We don't even have a middle name!"

"Just trust me. Trust me. One more push. You got this."

She remembers her mom. Hallways away from her. It might be a bad day. But this would make it so much better. She can't get the words out. But she trusts him. She wouldn't have agreed to all of this if she didn't. Pushing up, she ignores the exhaustion and presses as much as she can, redirects the fear, sadness, and pain into that moment.

It's like everything falls out of her. Her doctor mentions the head again and then it just all slips out. Finally, her baby girl rests on her chest. The cry let out is almost deafening, but so worth it. Calum feels his body sag, burying his face into her sweaty shoulder. "She's so small, oh my god," he whispers as he looks back to his little girl.

"I'm totally crying, aren't I?" she asks, her voice soft. 'My face is all sweaty. I can't tell what's a tear and what's sweat."

It's definitely tears he sees falling from her face. He can feel his own falling too. Their baby. If a moment could feel real and surreal at the same time, this is it. This is the moment that feels liminal, holy because of life brought to them, untouchable to the outside world. But still somehow ordinary, somehow still another baby born. But it's his baby. "Aroha," he whispers, the thing of his dreams. The thing he never thought he'd have.

Joy smiles, her eyes watery too. "Ettie Aroha Hood, welcome."

__

Nevah's not sure when her body finally let itself shut down. Nearly twelve hours in labor, afterbirth, and attempting to breastfeed for the first time, the only thing her body craves is sleep. Calum's all but climbed into the bed next to her. Ettie whines a little from the little crib. Her eyes snap awake at the sound. This is her life now, the smallest sound waking her. The whine doesn't last long and Ettie settles back down instantly as she grasps onto her mother's finger. "Just needed Momma, huh? I get that."

There's a knock on the door, a nurse poking her head in. Calum snaps at the sound of the knock but relaxes at the nurse. "How's Mom feeling?"

"Tired. I feel like I've been hit by a bus."

"Now you know how I felt." Neveah looks from the nurse to her mother, shuffling her way into the room.

"Momma, you should be resting."

"I'll rest soon. I needed to meet my granddaughter first." As her mother settles onto the bed. "She's beautiful. By God. Got her father's cheeks, I see."

Calum shrugs, smiling in his still half asleep state. He called it. He knew it would happen. Her mother picks up Ettie, cooing a little. "I'm your grandma, Ettie. Ain't it a shock. You're going to grow up big and strong; you're going to make old granny proud. Give your parents hell for me. Just not too much."

The room falls silent. Calum reaches over, taking her hand and brushing his thumb over the skin. "I told you it would happen. They would meet."

She nods. It did. That's all she could really ever ask for, out of life. That time spared her this time. "I love you, Ettie. Don't forget that." Her mother places the baby back into the crib. The two women lock eyes. Neveah's heart nearly stops, seeing how the tiredness that's settled there. It's not the kind that sleeps fixes, not the kind that meds help with, not the kind of tiredness that's linked to physical causes. It's an emotional tiredness, a turmoil too far rooted.

"Momma," she breathes.

Her mother, with a trembling hand, holds her cheek. "I love you, baby. I'm always here." Her hand placed directly over her child's heart. She reaches up, pulling the gold chain over her neck. It's an amethyst gem, hanging down from the chain. Her mother curls her fist around it, a sad smile pulling at her lips.

"You're tired, aren't you, Momma?"

"I was tired the second I had you. This tired is new to me. But strong and you are stronger. Don't forget that. Now," her mother's voice shakes just like her chin, "I better head back before my pudding cups go missing in your father's stomach. He thinks I don't notice. But, oh, I absolutely do notice. Remember that Calum, we see everything." Her mother's laugh echoes even after her exit.

There are no tears left to cry. Neveah's not even sure her body can produce them right now. Looking back down to the chain and gem, she has an urge to run after her mother. Tell her to wear it until her dying breath. She gave it to her for a reason and she for damn sure better wear it until the end. Maybe this is the end. Maybe she can start praying for an end to the suffering.

She holds it out to Calum. "Can you put this on me, please?" He nods, taking the jewelry carefully. Sure that all her hair is out of the way, he secures the clamps. He stays on the bed with her, pulling her into his chest.

"You know," Calum whispers, "I've always believed people inherently knew when the end was coming. But I think what they fail to realize is that sometimes ends also have beginnings."

"If Ettie turns out like my mother, don't be shocked." 

This is their beginning, with Ettie, with caring for a baby. This is all her mother needed to see, a start, the first words of a new chapter after reading the words of her last.

[cptsdstudyblr]

About Me (July 2020) (January 2021)

What’s up folks!! In about the past week I hit 350 750 followers and now I’m getting close to 400 1000, which is just insane! I’m so grateful that I’m able to make posts that so many people find interesting, helpful, or enjoyable and I appreciate each one of you so much! I realized the other day while going back through my posts to add image descriptions to some older posts that the last time I made an introductory post was when I was at 50 followers. That was in October of last year, and when I reread that post, I didn’t think it was a good representation of me as a whole person, so I wanted to create a new one rather than updating that previous one. I know that I love reading this kind of post because I like knowing who the person I’m following is, so hopefully that has the same effect for some of you.

Basic Introduction:

Hi!! I’m the person behind @cptsdstudyblr and I also have a personal blog @personneawesome where I don’t post quite as much. I am non-binary, and I generally use they/them pronouns, but I’m not super picky about pronouns. I was born in 2000 and am currently 20 years old. I just finished my second year of university studying computer science at a major US university, and I will most likely (pending the pandemic) spend got to spend this fall studying abroad in Seoul, South Korea before returning to my home school. 

New addition: January 2021 - I’m actually no longer a computer science student! I’m changing schools and majors drastically, and I think I’ll be so much happier!

Education & Language History:

My education history is a little unusual, but since this is a studyblr I’ll go ahead and explain it. For pre-K and the beginning of elementary school, I attended a French International School, which is part of the French public school system. After that, I ended up moving and being unable to enroll in an international school, so I was homeschooled through the CNED and essentially did my elementary school education through a mail-in version of the French public school system. Then, in middle school, I was homeschooled in English and took a few courses through a homeschool co-op in my area. I then went to a private Christian school for high school. Although my education was fairly religious, I have since left Christianity and don’t subscribe to any religion.

As far as languages go, I have two native languages (French & English) because I am French Cajun. Unfortunately, due to my schooling background I speak standard French rather than Louisiana French. I have also learned Spanish most of my life and live in a part of the US where about 50% of the population speaks Spanish, so I use Spanish a ton on a regular basis. I wouldn’t say I’m fluent in Spanish, but I don’t have many issues in everyday scenarios. I’m also currently learning German and Korean, but I’m not close to fluent in either of those languages.

Hobbies & Personality:

I like to think of myself as a kind person who puts others first and is respectful and accepting of all people. I think my friends would describe me as cheerful, talkative, and gentle. I’ve also been told that I am someone that people feel very comfortable and safe around, which I hope is true. However, I am very shy and am not likely to talk to people I don’t know. I’m also much less cheerful when I’m alone or with someone I’m super close with. If you’re someone who is interested in personality types, I am an ISFJ-T and an enneagram type 4. I don’t think personality tests like that are all that accurate and certainly shouldn’t be used to define a person, but I think they are a useful exercise and can facilitate learning about oneself.

When it comes to hobbies and interests, I struggle a lot more to define myself. When I was in high school, I was a band kid and I did robotics, which left me little time for other hobbies. I’m still very interested in music, and I love listening to music and making music. My current favorite bands are Stray Kids and Panic! at the Disco. My robotics hobby translated into my major, which is computer science. Other than that, I like writing, attempting to do art, studying public transit and urban design, and playing simulation video games. I also spend a lot of time on YouTube and Netflix, but I don’t think that counts as a hobby.

Health (Mental & Physical) Information:

Since it’s relevant to this blog, I want to be open about my health struggles. Normally I don’t talk about these a lot (except with close friends), but I think it’s useful to be honest in this situation.

As far as mental health goes, I have CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, depression, sensory issues, and just generally bad mental health. I also believe based on thorough research that I most likely have autism and/or ADHD, but I hesitate to self-diagnose something like that and would never claim to definitively be neurodivergent without a diagnosis.

When it comes to physical health, I have hEDS (hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and POTS (Postural Orthopedic Tachycardia Syndrome). Since these are considered rare and aren’t super well-known, I’ll provide a brief explanation. hEDS causes hypermobility, joint instability (including easy and frequent dislocations), pain, and some other nasty stuff. POTS causes your heart rate to rise very high when you stand, and can cause people to faint.

[nanigma]

Leon Fanbook Translation: Special Interview

Link to the Takumi Fanbook

Introduction

Profile

Famous Lines

Relationships

Leon&Kamui + Words of Love

Daily Routine + Cooking Showdown

Fashion Check

Dream Change

Only two more updates to go. It’s hard to believe that I am almost finished with this. And it didn’t take me half as long as I feared to translate this. Probably because of a distinct lack of Odin speech..

Meanwhile I’ve finally gotten another part-time job, so that’s helped me feel better about my situation and I can focus on this project more than I did before. It’ll be a while before my first payment, so it would still be really nice if you could help me out a little until then. Here’s a link to my Ko-fi account. Thank you to the generous people who have helped me so far!

- All the photos on this post were taken by the lovely @zaziki7

My comments are in italics

I’ll be using Japanese names

Pages 36-37

Special Interview/ Leon

An interview sprung on the younger prince of Nohr! Listen to what this one young man keeps inside his heart!

Anna: Good day to you, fans of Leon!! I am Anna, the traveling merchant! Today we've successfully gotten a hold of a Prince Leon from right after the conclusion of the „Invisible Kingdom“ Arc, and will now confront him with some rapid fire questions!! (In English) Don't miss it!!

Topic 1 – About being Nohrian Royalty

Anna: Prince Leon, thank you for your time. It must be tough being recognized by everyone every single day. You do have a lot of fans after all.

Leon: A member of the Nohrian royal family must never embarass themselves, be firm of mind, and always remember to present themselves with grace. However, I sometimes end up wearing my clothes inside out for some reason. I really should be more careful... By the way, have we met somewhere before... ?

Topic 2 – About Kamui

Anna: So, what do you think of Kamui precisely? Also, if Kamui were below you in age, would you rather have them as a younger brother or sister?

Leon: They do have their talents, but I guess no matter how old they get, they are so unreliable it always makes me want to help them out. It seems I just can't leave them on their own. As for if Kamui were younger than me, I'd prefer to have them as a younger sister. A younger brother would likely mean more competition, you see.

Topic 3 – About his siblings

Anna: I see... So you would prefer another little sister. Well, how do you feel about your older brother and sister?

Leon: In many ways, Marx is the strongest man in Nohr. It shows in how he embodies the ideal of the Nohrian crown prince, his skill with the sword...  how as an older brother, he shows a special kindness only to his siblings. However, there are ways in which he can be just too stubborn. Although we are currently amicable with each other, his unbending nature has caused us to quarrel in the past, to the point he even hit me once.

This refers to the Drama CDs

Anna: Ehh! Prince Marx might have just made himself the enemy of 50 million Leon fans around the whole world.

Leon: As you may know, in the whole kingdom of Nohr, Camilla's beauty and the depth of her affection is unmatched. The way she coldly dispatches of her enemies is also more than befitting of Nohrian royalty. Although it seems she doesn't pay much attention, she has actually been focusing on me quite a bit... Her offer to share a bath has been troubling for me though.

Leon, your siscon tendencies are showing.

Anna: Mhm mhm... //Taking a bath with Camilla... Now that's some good material.// So how about your younger sister, Elise?

Leon: I'll just say this here, but I feel like she's a great help in a lot different ways. This isn't just me, all of us siblings have come to truly rely on her. I just wish she would stop tackling me with all her strength whenever we met. *laughs*  I also want her to stop drumming her fists against my back so relentlessly. It actually hurts a lot...

Topic 4 – About parent-child relations

Anna: You won't like this question, but what about your father, King Garon, and also... your mother?

Leon: My father used to be a kind man. I still remember him keeping me company during study time or letting me ride on his shoulders. Having him pat my head with his huge hand is something I used to love. He may have become an entirely different person since that incident in the past, but I would still like to meet and be able to talk to the father from my childhood just one more time.

Tagging @agoddamn here because we’ve recently discussed the extent of Leon’s memorys of the real Garon. Still a bit vague, but it seems he already had an education/training (the kanji could mean both) going before Garon died, though with his mom being so ambitious he may have started quite young still.

Leon: As far as my mother is concerned, I don't have any special memories. That woman only ever thought of me as a tool that would bind her to the king, so I couldn't bring myself to love her either. … Is that enough?

Anna: Th- Thank you. A- Anyway, your son also seems to be rather... how to put this? Quirky... //Oh jeez! I brough up another topic he hates!!//

Leon: This is about Foleo, I see. At first I also mistook his intentions, but it turns out he is simply sticking to his own personal aesthetic. Just knowing about his convictions, I can honestly say I'm fine with it. Someday though he'll have to make a decision regarding the calling passed down through his blood, what it means to be Nohrian royalty at it’s core. … When the time comes, I hope his courage will help him make the right choice.

Not sure I like how “mistook his intentions” is phrased... What other intentions could Foleo have had that wouldn’t have been okay in Leon’s eyes? 

Topic 5- About himself

Anna: What do you think about being called cold-blooded? If you could give your own estimation of yourself, what would it be?

Leon: Although I'm not about to point out specific things I like about myself, I can say that I do have confidence in myself. Otherwise I wouldn't be fit to be royalty. That means even when I am sometimes insecure, I at least have to seem confident. My flaws are in those areas I don't have sufficent knowledge of. It's not that I ever neglect my studies, but I am fully aware it's still not entirely good enough.  

Topic 6 – About taste in women

Anna: I am pretty sure I am asking this in the name of all your female fans, but could you share what you like in a girl? Let's give an example! You like, say, the open-minded type, or...

Leon: Well, I have never experienced a mother's love. But when it comes to choosing a partner, it's wrong to say I only long for someone to give me the love my mother never did, so I want to name a another criteria. Let's see, I'd say I like strength, but I mean that as being intelligent. Not just someone who is well-studied, but one who doesn't let their guard down around an enemy, who is able to accurately assess any given situation. That's the kind of intelligence I like.

SPECIAL GUEST TAKUMI

Takumi: Huh, it's strange seeing you two together.

Anna: Ah, it's the Prince who loves the Southern Islands! … Er, rather the Prince of Hoshido, Lord Takumi!

Leon: Prince Takumi? I thought you were staying in the southern islands right now.

Someone correct me if I am wrong, but I think this is the first time (or one of the few times) Leon has used the ending zo (ぞ) to a sentence in Japanese. Usually his style of speech is already pretty casual and „boyish“ in the anime-sense (it doesn't work exactly like that in real life), with him ending many sentences in „da“ (だ). It's makes it sound a bit harder.. ぞ can be seen as a step up in that, really „decisive“ sounding. It's something you would only use with friends or people of lower social standing, but we can guess which one he means here.~

Takumi: …? What are you two on about?

Leon: Speaking of, thank you for sending me that miso supply the other day. I am grateful for it.

Anna: Lord Leon actually ended up cooking the soup for himself. Suprisingly though...

Leon: That's right. I understand what I like best after all. This time I decided to try putting some tomatoes in it.

Takumi: T- Tomatoes!? You put tomatoes in miso soup!?  Please stop joking. This is why you are Nohr's tomato prince...

Leon: Who are you calling tomato prince!? I think it's terrible how you Hoshidans always cling to your old traditions.

Anna: Uh.. Haha. Looks like I got between them~!

-----------------------------

Again, sorry for the small images in places. I have tried finding a fix for it, but no luck. At least it’s not most pictures again like last time. Anyway, hope you enjoyed.

The next update will include all the poll results, and as you could see with the Takumi translation... that’s huge. I overestimated how long it would take me this time, but I can safely say the next one will be a long one. Hope you look forward to it.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

No Comicstorian, Marvel DOESN’T need a reboot Part 2: Miles Morales isn’t the whole Marvel Universe

I continue to debunk the BS of this video about Spider-Man/Marvel needing a reboot as proven by Spidey PS4.

 This time out we handle the bulk of his points and learn that really this is all about how he feels about Miles Morales.

What is Comicstorian’s next point.

 “In Marvel’s rolling timeline they move the events of the pas forward in time and update stuff to it like how Flash Thompson was a bully like in the 1960s stories but it was now because of his Dad”

 That isn’t an update and that has nothing to do with a rolling timeline. That’s a flashback, a character reveal, a retcon, character development, whatever you want to call it.

 Claiming this is an example of how Marvel’s ‘timeline’ works is like saying that about Harry Osborn being revealed as having Daddy issues like the year after he was introduced.

 “Flash’s Daddy issues got turned into him becoming Agent Venom”

 No, Flash becoming Agent Venom was due to his history as a solider and his adoration of Spider-Man. his Daddy issues played into it kinda sorta yeah but that’s not an issue related to a rolling timeline, that’s just making use of a character’s established history.

  “Adding stuff into the Marvel timeline without removing stuff or rebooting makes it more convoluted because now everything happened even though it doesn’t make sense in the modern day’

 That isn’t how Marvel’s timeline works.

 Marvel’s timeline works off the premise everything happened and you just ignore anachronisms and/or generalize them.

 Flash Thompson being drafted into Vietnam where he met Vietnamese woman Sha Shan became Flash Thompson went into the military during college and over seas met Sha Shan.

 We don’t confirm he went to Vietnam but we do not contradict it either.

 And this has worked for *checks watch* over 55 years. Comiscstorian claims that it’s confusing and convoluted to have such a big history but...clearly it isn’t because they still make money and make a lot more money  than DC does with it’s frequent reboots.*

 Meanwhile DC has removed stuff in their history and replaced it with other stuff or rebooted it wholesale and whatever to modernize things and wound up with an even more convoluted fucked up mess than Marvel ever had because there are literally 9 different versions of Superman.

 And even specific versions of him ran into the exact same ‘problem’ Marvel had because the superman of 2002 who’d been around since 1986 would’ve still had anachronisms in his history from those 1980s stories.

 “DC have never done a true reboot outside of the Nu52”

 Yes they have. You can debate the meaning of ‘true reboot’ to an extent but if you are going to codify the Nu52 as an example of one then 1985’s Crisis on Infinite Earths would DEFINITELY be a true reboot.

 “Batman has never truly been rebooted”

 This is not true at all.

 Whilst it is accurate to say of all DC characters and franchises, Batman has changed the least from reboot to reboot, to say he’s not changed at all is ignorant.

 When originally conceived Bruce Wayne had no Butler or father figure. Alfred was introduced as a gag character who got in his way but morphed into a loyal butler.

 Then when Batman was rebooted in the 1980s Alfred and his history drastically altered. Now Bruce had a perennial father figure in Alfred who’d been there his whole life and helped him on his quest to becoming Batman from the outset.

 Whether Batman carried fire arms or not in his early career is also something that has altered from version to version.

 The circumstances under which he met Jason Todd have changed.

 How and when he revealed his identity to Catwoman has changed.

 Selinia’s entire backstory has been all over the place.

 Two-Face’s origin and Batman’s role within it has changed.

 The role of Jim Gordon and Batman’s relationship to him has radically changed, as he was originally not a father figure to the Dark Knight.

 There is so much more but I’ll stop here. Batman’s history is not AS fraught with contradictions as Superman’s or Wonder Woman’s but those major alterations still exist.

  “With rebooted characters (like in DC’s case) in terms of needing to understand what is currently happening in modern comics, like the Flash you only need to go back to 2011”

 Marvel still outsells DC most of the time in spite of their long continuity.

 Marvel for the longest time wrote their comics with the belief that every comic is someone’s first and should be accessible, meaning you never needed to go back at all if you didn’t want to, any issue was a jumping on point.

 I am a personal testament to this. My first Spider-Man comic was part 4 of a 4 part story wrapping up 28 months worth of incredibly convoluted plot lines. But because it was a good story in that issue and written accessibly I still loved it and became hooked.

 This mentality also gives no shits towards story integrity.

 If eventually any story is just going to be rebooted why bother emotionally investing at all?

 Why does any story matter if they can all just be changed or thrown out the window whenever for the sake of a new version.

  “Marvel tried to fix their continuity problem in 2000 when they did the Ultimate universe which allowed for fresh takes on the characters and a chance to remove the problematic elements and make them work better in this current timeline.”

 Yeah and then that universe lasted just 15 years and then died on it’s ass after hobbling along since 2008, with Ultimate Spider-Man itself becoming creatively impoverished before Miles Morales showed up.

 Also ‘removing the problematic elements’? You mean like Venom and Carnage having personalities? Because...having personalities was an idea that was dated in the 2000s?

  “The Ultimate universe needed to be shut down because things had gotten too convoluted like the main universe”

 If the Ult Universe was too convoluted to be allowed to continue why was the even more convoluted 616 universe continued and in fact selling more than it?

 It’s almost like the Ultimate Universe fell into decline not because of too much convoluted history but because the stories sucked shit and no one gave a damn because they weren’t the original characters anyway.

  “In modern continuity Steve Rogers is back to normal but he’s still HYDRA Steve Rogers, still Old man Rogers, still  so convoluted”

 That isn’t convoluted.

 That’s just a lot of stuff happening. It’d be convoluted if he was all those things at the same time, but in reality he was just one thing after the other.

 And whilst that does kinda suck because a lot of those things were trash, the idea of events occurring like that isn’t being convoluted. It’s just storytelling.

 All those things occurred within the last 10 years of Captain America meaning that had Cap been rebooted 10 years ago by Comicstorian’s logic he’d need a reboot by now.

 By his logic the Flash should be rebooted again soon because too much shit has happened.

 I’d love for this guy to like check out long running manga like One Piece or Sailor Moon which has even wackier stuff in even shorter spaces of time and all within the same continuity.

 “It’s all just a mess!!!!!!”

 Translation: Comicstorian, the guy who you would think would know and appreciate comic book history and is able to roll with it, is pissed off that things are too hard to follow.

 Like Jesus fucking Christ this loser is a weaksauce fan. MOST comic book fans know and can roll with the weird histories, even learning to love them.

 This guy’s name is literally riding against his fucking attitudes.

 “Spider-Man history is convoluted because he was married but then he sold it to the devil so now he isn’t”

 This is the most damning example of Comicstorian knowing jack shit.

 Because of all things in Marvel One More Day is the closest thing to a continuity reboot akin to DC’s.

 He is literally pointing at a continuity reboot and saying it makes things a confusing effed up mess and then tries to use that to justify us...doing more of the same???????????????????

 “its so convoluted because he keeps going back to collage”

 You mean like....real life people do?

  “Spider-Man history is so convoluted because there is a whole series of venom lethal protector”

Okay so first of all Lethal protector was a mini-series not a whole series.

 Second of all that is VENOM HISTORY not SPIDER-MAN history.

 What? EVERY SPIN OFF counts towards making a character more convoluted?

 “Miles morales in the 616 universe only works if you don’t question his origin”

 I mean that is true but whilst not strictly speaking a reboot Miles’ migration from one universe to the next is storywise more similar to the types of convoluted messes that occur when continuity reboots happen.

 Case in point Power Girl being taken from Earth 2 and incorporated into the newly rebooted post-crisis DC universe or the deal with all the Milestone comics characters.

 Miles however is UNIQUE in these problems among Marvel characters whereas it’s more similar to the deal with DC characters.

 And Comicstorian is so blind he can’t even see that.

 *Comicstorian explains Miles is already a part of PS4 Spider-Man’s universe thus avoiding the problems of him being convoluted and by extention proving Marvel needs to reboot stuff*

 Basically this whole mess of a video exists off the back of how this one video game fixed the story problems of this one character in the Marvel universe who’s situation is actually unique among Marvel characters and more comparable to DC ones.

 THAT is why Comicstorian thinks ALL OF MARVEL should be rebooted.

 “we need a linear timeline for these sueprheroes now!”

 Most of the marvel heroes alreadyhave a linear timeline and always did in the pre-internet age when marvel fans just picked up the latest issue and winged it.

  “I have a nephew and it’s so hard to just give him a comic book”

 Then maybe Comicstorian’s nephew just won’t find comic books to his taste because that’s literally how every comic book fan got indoctrinated.

 Just fucking give him ASM vol 5 #1 by Spencer and if the story is good enough for him he’s in. It’s incredibly accessible for the most part.

 “It’s so hard explaining Miles morales to my nephew”

 Yeah because Miles is UNIQUE in having that convoluted a backstory.

 “Marvel history is too convoluted for younger audience members”

 Again I jumped onboard literally at the end of the most convulted Spider-Man era of all time, I dealt with divergences from the cartoon Spider-Man I knew, I purchased info books detailing his long crazy history.

 I was fine.

 In fact those info books are still sold on the mass market so they clearly have an audience for that convoluted history.

 “We don’t want kids to be intimidated by the confusing history like we adults are”

 Kids don’t view that stuff the way adults to, they’re more accepting of shit and roll with it.

 “It’s a lot to try and get into Spider-Man”

 If only there were jumping on points peppered throughout Spider-Man’s history which are ways for you to get invested without going through everything before hand?

  “The PS4 game is the best version of Spider-Man ever!”

 Better in some respects not as great in others.

 “It’s the best version because it’s one straight path”

 Pretty sure it’s more to do with the characetrization and stuff.

[holycow99]

石田お寿司 12/9/21 stream translation Part 8

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. If you want to repost, please repost at your own risk.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(t/n: ** means translation may not be accurate.)

*He started drawing choujin X.

I: I’m gonna do my work. It’s gonna be a work streaming onwards. Whoever is sleepy can sleep.

*Showing the screen.

I: This is the 2nd chapter. I’m doing this for the magazine. Even though I’ve done this chapter before, I’m still drawing it. This is what I’ve been doing.  Pitiful, isn’t it? I’m doing this because I want to though. Then, I’m gonna casually draw this for a bit.

C: Looks tough.

I: Not at all. Which page should I do? So exciting!

I: The bgm is called Cry by Queen Bee.

I: I wasn’t told to do this by Young Jump or anything. I voluntarily wanted to do it. I asked them to let me do it.

C: Tell us your favourite panel.

I: Hmm…I wonder. I don’t know.

I: I’ve been doing the manuscript by myself, along with the background as a challenge. When I was able draw the background pretty well, I thought, surprisingly, working this way was better. So, I got carried away and had fun drawing them. I drew too much to the point the pages piled up. It didn’t need these many pages. You can’t have these many pages for the comic, so it’s difficult. The 70 something pages for chapter 2 is gonna be compressed to fit the magazine. I feel embarrassed. I was like “what is this super big spread?!”

I: My goal is to update 3 chapters this month while creating chapter 2 ver 2, and there are coloured parts in between the pages for the magazine. I’m not supposed to do that either… It’s troublesome.

*Someone commented there’s a weird URL. (t/n: the highlight of the stream.)

I: There’s a weird URL? Should I delete it? Which one? Oh, it’s an R-18 URL. “Hot Girls and Boys”. This is definitely an adult URL! Maybe I should check out. Hahaha! I’ll pin this message! What should I do with it? Then…I’m blocking it.

C: Sensei, check it out for us.

I: I’ll take a look at it for a bit later. The virus might corrupt my manuscripts.

C: That’ll be a problem.

I: Do you mean me pinning the message? Oh, you mean my manuscript getting corrupted. That’s okay. It’ll be a corrupted version of chapter 2. The virus version. I have to quickly make ver.3 if that happens. Choujin X adult ver. Adult sites often put X in their URL. That kind of info came out when I searched about the letter ‘X’. Therefore, I wanna do that kind of collaboration, please. I’ll be waiting for it. To shueisha, To Ninohara Matsuo, please make it happen. I’m looking forward to your cooperation.

*Someone commented for him to try get his files corrupted by adult site’s virus for the 30,000 commemoration.

I: That’s a good idea! Try getting corrupted by pc virus. Let’s do it, by all means. Don’t hesitate to tell me any sites filled with virus.

*People commented they can see the comment being pinned.

I: It’s because it’s being pinned. Really? I can’t even unpin it! Why? Amazing. The comment is strong. How about If I randomly pin another comment? Is there any interesting comment? MM, comment something interesting.

*The comments had already been unpinned.

I: I don’t know whether MM is still here or not. They must use the word ‘On the contrary’ in the comment. Something like, “On the contrary, adult sites are…” That person only comment contradictory stuffs.

C: MM’s syntax.

I: That’s a nice one. “On the contrary,…” even though it isn’t. Has MM gone? I’m curious. Maybe he’s thinking of what “on the contrary” stuff to comment. “On the contrary, open the URL.” Haha. “On the contrary, try getting corrupted by the virus.” On the contrary, how about I spread the virus to you guys? You’ll see adult stuffs if you open it.

*Someone commented Ishida would be on Yahoo News if that happened.

I: That’s good. Let’s do it. I’ll add trying to spread the virus into the 30,000 subscribers’ commemoration proposal.

C: I can’t handle the virus.

I: That’s right. The pc will be heavy if there’s virus.

*Someone asked why he wanted to be a mangaka.

I: I’ve told this before, but because I didn’t wanna get a job. I thought it’d be easy being a mangaka. Then, I thought of retiring when I was in my 30s after I’ve earned enough money. Haha. I thought of having an easy life. These were my thoughts when I was 19. But reality is…how do I put it? There’s still more to life.

C: Is it as what you’ve planned?

I: Is it? I did become a mangaka. I’m amazed by that fact. I wondered whether I was gonna be one when I was aiming for it. I thought of being a mangaka and I really did become one.

C: What anime did you obsessed with lately?

I: I don’t have one. I’ve been watching movies only. I watch them if the anime is the laid-back, calming type.

*Ishida mentioned that Goubaru started doing something so passionately, but he couldn’t understand why Goubaru’s doing it. Goubaru tried to explain to Ishida but he was unable to understand what he’s doing anymore in the end. Ishida ended up giving advice to Goubaru.

(t/n: I couldn’t translate the part above properly, so I just summarized it.)

* The adult websites comment came back in the chat.

I: It’s here again. This thing is super famous. I’ve blocked them though. Should I block it? How should I do it? Report it or using moderator? What is moderator? Something like a management or some sort? Would it disappear if I report it?  

C: Moderator is someone who’d ban it for you.

I: I see. A guard. That’s good. But if the moderator is a nasty person, like S******, they’ll ban stuffs randomly. They’ll be playing around with it.

*Talking about the weird comment again.

I: Erotic websites also appear in my stream. Isn’t it amazing? The only thing I’ve got before was a URL for a ramen blog. I should’ve taken a look at the site secretly after that. It was a ramen blog, but the name of the blog was something related to excretion.

*Ishida imitating the ramen blog’s comment.

I: “I’ve written reviews about ramen that I ate.” The content is okay, but the blog name is…, but he might’ve been a good person. But he’s probably not if he put out his url there. Like what are you trying to promote? I’m still regretting not taking a look at it.

*Ishida finding page to draw.

I: I’ll draw this. It looks fun. Is it okay for me to show these drawings? Well, you’re gonna read this in Tonari Young Jump in the end. I’ve drawn it, so it’s okay.

C: Until what time are you gonna stream?

I: I haven’t decided it.

C: You’ve been streaming for almost 4 hours.

I: That’s nice. This can be a record.

*Someone asked if he’s day and night became reverse when working at home.

I: Yes, definitely. That’s basically what’s happening now. I’m currently a nocturnal maybe. I wake up at wrong hours.

*Searching for bgm

C: Please play something that wouldn’t get you banned.

I: I won’t be banned, but I’ll get a copyright notice, just like Juuzou’s video. I got a notice saying I wasn’t allowed to monetise the video. I wasn’t going to. I can’t play songs I usually play because of the copyright.

C: Try getting your account banned for the commemoration project.

C: Copyright is bothersome.

I: You can’t help it. Everyone is protected that way.

*Ishida forgetting Chandra/Chandler’s outfit.

I: Did he wear a tie? He does, doesn’t he? Ah, he does.

C: It looks like Animal Rap at a glance.

I: Quite a while ago, I forgot if it was the drawing stream or not, I was drawing while animal rap videos were playing, right? During the night of the day chapter 2 was released probably, I did a streaming with animal rap videos playing on the screen. I said I wanted to see the final battle. I thought of uploading animal rap video after the stream. Now, I can start uploading them. I’ll upload animal rap video while drawing Choujin X. Need to see the conclusion of it. Are you guys anticipating it? Haha. I’m the one who anticipates it the most.

C: I wan you to bring back the Vtuber.

I: That thing? It’s a nuisance. Hahaha.

C: Is the name of the smoke guy supposed to be Chandra or it is translation error?

I: Is there translation error? I don’t know though.

I: I’ve drawn until B Block’s match for Animal Rap. The 2nd match is over, so another 4 matches to go? Or 3 matches? Huh? Let me scribble (the matches’ chart) , since I’m dumb. It’s like this, right? Until which match did I draw? I’ve drawn the B Block’s matches but I haven’t uploaded them yet. So, I have another 3 matches. So fast! The first match was super long.

*Someone wanted Animal Rap to continue forever.

I: That’s tough. Endless stuffs are tough. It’s good because it ends.

Part 9

[lobsters-on-their-heads]

Continuing Travels of Cophine, Part 2, Chapt. 10

Disclaimer reminder: I haven't been to the Middle East, so if I've gotten some details wrong, please let me know in a respectful manner. This chapter and the upcoming ones involved some interesting research, and I've tried talking to people who've been there, but of course things slip through sometimes. Let me know!

You can read the entire work from the very beginning here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12116799

The night after the party, after a small dinner at Sarah's house, Cosima and Delphine rode with Sarah to the airport as cold evening rain peppered the city. Most of the trip was silent, with Cosima in the front seat and Delphine in the back with their carry-on bags. Delphine had spent most of the day recovering and doing a great unintentional impression of a cartoon sloth, but the after-effects of last night's brownies had worn off by late afternoon, and she was more or less back to her usual self.

As the airport infrastructure came into view, Sarah sniffed loudly and rubbed her nose.

“You gonna be a'right, then?” she asked.

Cosima peeled her face from the passenger side window and blinked at her sister. “Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna be fine. Why?”

“No reason.”

Sarah steered the car towards International Departures and sucked on her teeth.

“We will have personal security from the moment we arrive in Baghdad,” Delphine assured her. “It's a highly reviewed company, personally recommended by our contacts both here and abroad.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sarah rubbed her nose some more and the airport itself came into view. “I would feel a bit better if Helena went along with you, though, to be honest.”

Cosima laughed and imagined Helena following them around the Middle East. Hell, just getting her through airport security would be a trick to write home about. Putting a hand on Sarah's shoulder, Cosima said, “Do not worry about us. We're okay with what we have, and Helena needs to stay here with her boys. And don't go reading too many news stories about the places we're going to, either.”

Sarah laughed. “Not often someone accuses me of reading too much. Anyway, it's not me. It's the kids, reading up on every place you two go off to. I've got Alison on my case, too, telling me every little horror story she sees online –”

“Yes, we've heard,” Delphine cut in. “She's been on our cases, too.”

“She's calmed down recently, though,” Cosima added.

“And Art,” Sarah went on, like the words were being pushed from her body against her will. “He's coming to me every week with some other story he heard from one of the translators about someone's brother getting his head cut off, or somebody's sister being sold off to IS for God knows what. It's not like I just can't listen, Cos.”

The car wound its way into the departures lane and down the alphabet of airlines as everyone thought about what Sarah had said. Aer Lingus, Air Canada, Air France...

“Well,” Cosima said, “just remember, and tell everybody else this, too, that the stuff that makes the news, and the stories people tell, are the exceptions. I mean, yeah, obviously it happens, but not every day. Aid workers go in and out of Iraq and Syria every day without getting any more than a paper cut or a couple of nasty pimples.”

“We're being careful,” Delphine added. “We're being very careful.”

Sarah made a face. “Right.”

Five minutes later, Sarah pulled up to the curb near the Turkish Airlines sign. There were hugs and promises to call once they'd arrived in Baghdad, and as Cosima and Delphine went inside with their suitcases and bags, Sarah leaned against her car and watched them go.

Inside, the check-in process was smooth and the security checks predictable, and when they settled into the airport-standard restaurant close to their terminal, they still had thirty minutes before boarding their plane. They sat sipping water and nibbling on what passed for a “harvest salad,” and Cosima watched the other late-night fliers going by while Delphine did her daily social media Leda check, twelve hours later than she usually did.

“You did yours, then?” she asked Cosima.

“Yeah, at lunch time. You were kinda busy trying to remember that pool noodles aren't sentient, though, so you get a pass.” Cosima kissed Delphine's cheek, then her lips. It would be weeks, or possibly months, before she could that in public again. “You were super cute the whole time, though, fyi.”

Delphine grunted and resumed flipping through status updates of new bikinis, inspirational quotes, and cute babies.

“By the way, didn't Gabriela call you last night?”

“You mean while you were baked out of your mind and climbing all over my sister?”

Delphine looked like she had a retort coming, but just rolled her eyes. “Yes.”

Cosima giggled and squeezed her fiancée's arm to show no ill will. “Yeah, apparently her husband's divorcing her. Guess he was only in it as a monitor, and he was kind of convinced they could have kids, but when that obviously didn't happen, he peaced out.”

“Hm.” If Delphine had any thoughts or comments about being a monitor herself, she kept them to herself. Her thumb hovered over her Facebook feed. “Look at this.”

“What's up?”

The post Delphine pointed to was in Hebrew, and the picture beneath it showed a hand with an IV going into it.

“Oh, shit,” Cosima whispered.

“It's Avigail Chernev,” Delphine said. “One of the Israelis. It's the first time she's posted anything in almost a year.”

Cosima scooted her chair over to get a better view. “Is that her hand? For sure?”

“I assume so. It looks like yours.”

Cosima held her own hand up next to the picture on the phone and squinted. “I'll take your word for that. You are, like, the Leda expert at this point.”

Delphine's eyebrows twitched. “Yes, I suppose I am. You're still my favorite, though.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

Delphine took a screenshot of the Facebook post and emailed it to David Margolis, their Hebrew translator and Israeli cultural guide based back in Toronto. They would translate it themselves, too, with Google, but David's translations were more accurate and nuanced, and he could more easily match up the texts with others he had on file for both Israeli Ledas.

“There's WiFi on the plane, at least,” Delphine went on, “we'll need to monitor this pretty closely.”

Despite the severity of the situation, Cosima smirked. “Did you seriously just say monitor? Even after what I said about Gabriela's husband?”

Delphine stuck her tongue out and copy/ pasted Avigail's status into Google translate. In a second, the English side read Third treatment of the week, here we hope we can cure it soon!

“Third of the week, shit,” Cosima murmured. She pulled up a map of the Middle East on her phone and measured the distance between Baghdad and Tel Aviv. It was a hell of a lot closer than Toronto, but they weren't exactly next door neighbors. And then there was the whole messy political situation.

Meanwhile, Delphine pulled the Europe and the Middle East notebook from her carry-on bag. She flipped through it and tapped her finger on the first Israeli entry.

Avigail Chernev, born 11 June, 1984, in Bet Shemesh, current residence Tel Aviv Monitor as of 2016 – Daniel Fridman Primary care physician as of 2016 – Dr. Joseph Blachar [two msg sent by D.Cormier via D.Margolis, no replies] Social media contacts attempted 21 July, 3 September, and 4 December – no response

Delphine added a line about today's Facebook post on the otherwise empty page that stood in sharp contrast to the information-crowded pages on either side. The page before detailed the medical history and social media habits of Lonah Gerbi, the clone in Haifa they had already made an appointment to treat. Delphine tapped Lonah's page.

“We're not scheduled to be in Israel until the end of May,” she said. “Eight weeks from now.”

“Right, and we scheduled Lonah's treatment after all these other countries for a reason.”

She checked the time. They had fifteen minutes until boarding their plane to Istanbul, where they had a five hour lay-over before flying on to Baghdad. Baghdad, of course, being in one of the many countries with restrictions on travelers who'd had their passports stamped in Israel. Then she looked at Avigail's hand again. Third treatment in one week. Failed treatments, almost certainly, probably radiation or some kind of chemotherapy. The side effects alone probably kept her from working or taking care of her family or whatever else she would have been doing otherwise, and it was quite likely that the treatments had actually hastened the disease's progression, as it had in Jennifer Fitzsimmons.

“She can't wait until May,” Cosima said. “None of the other clones in the Middle East have shown these kinds of symptoms.”

“That we know of.”

She nodded. “That we know of.” Of course. More than once before had a Leda stayed quiet and private right up until she was dying, and only then did Delphine and Cosima hear anything about it. Desperation brought people out of hiding. Or, in the case of Nooran in Djibouti, brought the attention of enough people to point Cosima and Delphine in the right direction.

Delphine was watching her with those big doe eyes, waiting for her to say something, but the decision was obvious.

“I'll email the airline from the plane,” Cosima said. “Change the flight from Istanbul to Tel Aviv instead of Baghdad.”

Delphine's face didn't change, though. She licked her lips. “We still have to cure the others, though. Even if they don't have symptoms, we still have to – ”

“Oh, for sure, we're curing them, too. But we have to get to Avigail first.”

“Yes, but – ”

The airport announcement gong sounded, announcing preboarding to Turkish Airlines Flight XXX bound for Istanbul. They packed up their things, threw away their trash, and went to loiter near the gate with everyone else. At this hour, the crowd of passengers was quiet, mostly businessmen buried in their phones or newspapers.

“What if,” Cosima offered, “we just ask them not to stamp our passports in Tel Aviv?”

Delphine snorted. “Yes, certainly. Have you ever tried telling a passport controller what to do?”

“Not yet, no.”

“Well, I don't think it's a very good idea.”

Some of the businessmen looked up from their devices to listen to the only conversation happening, but the announcer called for first class boarding, so Cosima and Delphine hoisted their bags back onto their shoulders and got on the plane.

Once they were in their seats, enjoying the perks of the frequent flyer program, Cosima said, “Maybe someone else can go to Israel. Cure the Israelis, and we finish up the rest of the Middle East.”

“It's an idea,” Delphine agreed.

Cosima pulled out her phone and texted Scott while the coach passengers filed past.

A minute later, though, that idea was shot. I'd love to, he replied, but I can't take that kind of time off work. We have a big project right now.

She swore under her breath but typed, Okay, thx anyway

The faces of Clone Club flashed before her eyes, and she imagined all of them in lab coats in an Israeli clinic, syringe in hand. Art, Sarah, Alison, Helena, ... None of them fit that image. None of them had experience putting needles in people. Well, Helena might, but she probably wasn't used to aiming the needles with the intention of helping, and she had none of the other necessary skills for this endeavor.

She tapped on her phone until the crew directed them to turn off their devices, and held Delphine's hand as Toronto faded away below them. When the city was entirely gone behind clouds, she turned to Delphine and said, “Rachel would do it. She gave me my treatment, and she knows clone stuff.”

“And she is completely inaccessible to anyone who wants to contact her.”

“And there's that. Fuck.”

Once the fasten seatbelt sign was off, they both had their laptops out, emailing everyone on the Clone Club listserv for ideas and support. David Margolis confirmed their translation of Avigail's status and offered to reach out to her in Hebrew for them, which Delphine replied would be very helpful. Delphine posted a notification on the Foundation's website, just in case Rachel happened to be checking in from wherever she was. Cosima's Google searches confirmed that, indeed, for most of the countries they would be traveling to in the next two months, entrance was denied to anyone who'd been to Israel.

After thirty minutes, though, Cosima found herself staring into space at the shadowy clouds moving below them, forgetting what the hell she'd been typing, or starting one sentence and finishing it with another thought entirely. Beside her, Delphine kept trying to hide her yawns.

“It's after midnight,” Cosima said, dropping her head on Delphine's shoulder. “Maybe one of us should get some rest.”

Delphine kissed her forehead. “You go ahead. I'm used to working late.”

“And I'm not, is that what you're saying?”

“Mmm, yes. You work late, of course, but not like this.”

“Not on an airplane.”

“Correct.”

*

Delphine was right. Something about traveling had this way of knocking Cosima right out. Maybe the sound of a motor, steady total-body vibration, and occasional rocking back and forth made her feel safe, like she was six years old again and her parents were taking care of everything.

When she woke up, the window shade was closed and Delphine's light travel blanket was tucked around her shoulders. To her right, Delphine dozed with her arms across her chest and her head tipped to one side, laptop still open on her tray. The rest of the cabin was bathed in daylight and a flight attendant went down the aisle announcing the last call for beverages or snacks. According to her phone, it was 7:20 in the morning, but when she raised the shade the sun was well above the horizon.

Right. If it was 7:20 am in Toronto, it was 2:20 pm in Istanbul, and they were scheduled to land at 3:15.

She opened her laptop, trying not to jostle Delphine as she checked the clone business email. Five new messages.

Art said he would look into it but made no promises, which could really apply to most of the emails they'd exchanged with him over the past year.

David Margolis forwarded both Cosima and Delphine the email chain with Avigail Chernev, her medical team, and himself. Avigail's primary doctor right now, it said, was a Dr. Ada Bronstein, and both she and Avigail were excited about the possibility of a new treatment option.

There was an email from her mother, linking to an article about a suicide bombing in Basra and begging Cosima to be careful while she was over there.

Her advisor at U Minn sent her a list of epigentics conferences that Cosima “really should consider presenting at.”

And to her surprise, Rebecca Twell replied to Cosima's mass email, saying she was so sorry to hear that another of their identicals was ill, but Rebecca could not take off that kind of time, either, and regardless she did not feel comfortable administering any kind of medical treatment to anyone. She ended her email with a reminder that if and when Cosima and Delphine made it to Scotland, they should absolutely drop by for a pint.

Cosima went back up to the email chain and tapped Dr. Bronstein's number into her phone. That five-hour lay-over coming up in Istanbul was starting to feel awfully short.

*

At Istanbul Atatürk Airport, they got microwaved sandwiches and juice from Starbucks and found a terminal waiting area with no one else sitting in it, so they could spread out over several seats and the floor, charging everything that needed electricity. Delphine exchanged more emails with David Margolis and Avigail's medical team, and compared her symptoms with notes in the MEDICAL notebook that listed all observed symptoms and treatments with side effects.

Cosima called everyone, starting with Adele. Alphabetical order seemed as good as any order right now.

Adele answered with a dynamic yawn. “Oh, hey, Puddin' Pie, how are you doin'? How's Delphine, more to the point? She back from her brownie trip yet?”

“Yeah, yeah, she's good,” Cosima said. “Did you get our email?”

“Huh? No, I haven't checked yet. Why, what's up?”

While Cosima explained the situation, Adele responded with various “uh huh,” “yeah,” or “well shit.” When Cosima finished, Adele laughed. “Oh, honey, I wish I could help you. I really do. But heroin is the one drug I will never, ever touch. Needles skeeve the hell outta me. I stick to drugs that go into holes my body already has.”

Cosima had not said anything about heroin, but she laughed for Adele's sake and said, “Okay, that's cool. That's, uh, probably for the best, actually.”

“Yeah. Hey, have you tried Colin, though? He's gotta have some skills there, right?”

“Uh, not yet. I don't have his contact info, actually. Do you?”

“No, but you know who does.”

Felix picked up on the third ring. “You want Colin's phone number? What for?”

“For the stuff I emailed you about. Did you get our email?”

“I mean, I skimmed it. I've only been up for about 30 minutes. Why? You still haven't found anybody?”

“No. Colin's, like, potentially our last hope.”

Felix muttered something unintelligible, but a moment later produced the number for her, and listened as she read it back to him. “He won't go, though,” Felix added. “I'm certain of that.”

“Why's that?”

“Well, first of all, he's hates flying. He's only flown once, and that was to Calgary ten years ago. He doesn't even have a passport.”

“He doesn't...?” She had forgotten that people could even exist in the world without a passport. “Wow.”

“So, feel free to call him. Tell him that I'm not pining away in his absence, and that he's much more attractive when his head's not shoved up his own arse.”

“You know, I think I'll let you tell him all of those things, and I'll just stick to clone business, okay?”

She called Colin and left a message, and checked the message that had dinged while she was talking to Felix. A picture greeted her at the tap of her thumb: the main room of Nooran's apartment in Djibouti, with the girls and Mohammed, the younger boy, sitting around a folding table that had not been there when Cosima last visited. On the table were the art supplies Cosima and Delphine had given them, and each of the younger children held up a piece of artwork to show off. Fatima sat the farthest from the camera, and she held a book close to her chest, a smile tugging at her lips. The table wasn't the only new item in the photo – a calendar and a flag decorated the wall, and a drying rack laden with laundry snuck into view in the lower right corner. The cell phone used to take the picture must have been new, too, since the family had not had one before.

While Cosima studied the picture, distracted for a moment from Avigail's troubles in Israel, another message popped up, this time showing Nabil taking a selfie with his siblings in the background. Tapping Delphine to get her attention, Cosima took a picture of them together, Delphine smiling and Cosima making a face, and sent it to the kids.

“They are such good kids,” Cosima remarked. “We gotta see if we can keep helping them out, somehow.”

“Mmhm.” Delphine's attention was already back on the task at hand. “Julian can't go. Neither can any of my other medical contacts, including the doctors we know are aware of the cloning situation. All of them are busy, uninterested, or no longer reachable at their former email addresses. I texted Ali, even, from Tripoli, but he's tied up for the rest of the month, apparently.”

“Why Ali? He doesn't have medical training.”

“No, but I thought maybe he could at least transport the cure to Avigail's doctors for us. They could administer it, I expect, on their own, although I haven't confirmed that with them.”

“Oh, yeah. That is a good idea.” She texted Clone Club back with that idea – not to treat, but to transport. Anyone could do that. Anyone that didn't need to go to any of the Muslim-majority Middle Eastern countries that Cosima and Delphine needed to go to, that is.

Colin called back at 4:23 pm Istanbul time. “I'm sorry, you want me to do what, now?” he asked.

She gave the spiel again. “And you're really our last hope.”

“Why can't you do it?”

“Because once we get an Israeli stamp, all these other countries won't let us in. It's geopolitical bullshit.”

Colin exhaled into the receiver. “I don't think you understood my question. Why can't just one of you go, and the other one go to all the other countries? I mean, there are two of you, right?”

Cosima bit her tongue and pushed her hand into the top of her head. “Well, for starters, all the people we're curing look exactly like me. Haven't you noticed? We're clones. It's gonna be pretty weird for me to look all of them in the eye before treating them.”

There was another heavy sigh on the other end of the phone. “And you can't futz your way around that for one dying woman? Wear colored contacts or something? Seems like it'd be pretty easy. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

Felix's last comment about the location of Colin's head came to mind, but Cosima said, “Just trust me. It's not the best idea.”

“Well, I haven't got any other ideas for you. I am not flying to Israel for you. I am not sticking a syringe into a woman I've never met for you. I am not going to deliver biological material that I have not personally inspected to a doctor I've never met for you. I don't even work with the living, remember? I sure as hell don't speak Hebrew.”

“That part really doesn't matter. Think about it, at least?”

“Yeah, maybe. But I'm not changing my mind.”

Just go yourself. She could change her appearance somehow and treat both Israeli Ledas while Delphine was in Iraq, but then Delphine would be in Iraq all by herself. And several weeks after that, Delphine would have to go to Syria all by herself, because Cosima would not be allowed in either of those countries.

Cosima made her way down her contacts lists and called everyone she hadn't already talked to, to see if they or anyone else they knew would be willing to pick up the job. Some people she called again, just in case.

“We'll sort something out,” Sarah assured her after coming up with no new ideas. “I already gave Art a call.”

Cosima even called her mother.

“Oh, Sweetie, I'd love to help,” her mother said, her voice heavy with sleep, “but I am completely unqualified for that kind of work. Even though you know your grandma's been trying to send me to Israel for decades, like with that Birthright program, you know, but for older adults instead of teenagers? Anyway, Israel would be great, but I really just can't go treating someone's illness. I'd probably do it wrong and make everything worse. I'd stick the needle in the wrong organ or something. I work with fish, not people.”

“Well, maybe you could just bring the cure into the country, then? Drop it off and take a week to see the sights.”

“Oh I can't. I'm having bunion surgery tomorrow. Did I tell you that?”

Bunyan surgery. Great. “Uh, no,” Cosima said. “You didn't. How 'bout you send me an email all about it, huh? I have to make some other calls. Unless you think your podiatrist might want to go to Israel for us?”

Sally laughed. “No, but she is Jewish, and I think she's been before. Hey, why don't you just mail it? The treatment, I mean? It's all sealed up, isn't it? You'd have to pay extra, but I don't think that's a big issue.”

Cosima could have kicked herself for not thinking of that earlier, but still, the idea didn't sit well with her. She and Delphine made a point to personally carry the treatment whenever they travelled specifically because they didn't trust anyone else with it. When she floated the idea to Delphine, Delphine's face mimicked her own.

“I mean, it's possible,” Delphine conceded. “But certainly not ideal.”

“I don't know how many other options we have, though.”

She shook her head. “Not very many. None that I like very much. We have a phone conference with Dr. Bronstein in about ten minutes, though, so we can always run it by her, see what she thinks.” Delphine checked her watch and muttered “putain” under her breath before winding the little knob to get in sync with local time. “It's very last minute, of course. I was afraid we might have to wait until tomorrow to talk to her, and, like we've been saying, Avigail doesn't have much time left. Dr. Bronstein seems willing to do whatever it takes, though.”

In the time before their phone conference, Alison called, and after a moment of checking in, repeated Colin's suggestion. “I don't know why you don't just go over there yourself, Cosima. You and Delphine are the only ones who have any experience with this. Put a surgical mask on and no one will notice you look the same.”

Cosima bit her tongue. “So you don't know anyone who could step in and help us out? No one at all?”

“No one who I'm willing to out myself to by sending them to Israel to treat one of my clones, no. Just go! You can rejoin Delphine when she's finished treating all our sisters in those... other countries. Or, you know, like I've been saying all along, you can just split the work and get it all done in half the time.”

“Alison,” Cosima began, “People recognize me. They recognize that I look like other people. Don't you remember how you felt way back when Beth first contacted you, first said you were a clone...”

Delphine nudged her before she could continue. “Dr. Bronstein's calling.”

“Gotta go, Alison. We'll talk soon, yeah?” She hung up before Alison could say anything else, and popped in Delphine's left earbud so she could participate in the conversation without annoying the few other passengers now camping out in the waiting area with them. Cosima took a deep breath to center herself and switch her brain from Sestra mode to professional mode as Delphine gave Dr. Bronstein a warm greeting.

“Yes, hello to both of you,” Dr. Bronstein said with a voice that reminded Cosima of character from Downton Abbey. “It's so felicitous that you've found us. I'm afraid Ms. Chernev's prognosis is quite poor at this point.”

“Yes, that's my understanding, as well,” Delphine said. “She knows that you're in contact with us, yes?”

“Oh yes, I've just spoken with her and her family, and Ms. Chernev has signed the agreement allowing me to discuss her condition with you and your translator, Mr. Margolis. I believe a PDF of the agreement has been emailed to you, as well.”

Cosima didn't see it right away, but considering everything else they were doing to save the Ledas, she wasn't too worried about a single release of information form.

“So, Dr. Bronstein, can you give us another quick run-down of Avigail's symptoms and prognosis so far?” she said.

“Well, she's been in my care for almost two years,” Dr. Bronstein told them, “starting with lung polyps that remain and have no clear cause.” She went on to give every symptom of the disease, and all the attempted treatments. Avigail had had numerous seizures that resisted the effects of anti-convulsant medications, and she'd been on oxygen full-time for the past year. Her doctors had tried every treatment that Cosima would expect them to and then some. Avigail had lost her hair and now weighed only forty-one kilograms. Her vision was spotty, She had difficulty swallowing. She was jaundiced. Her kidneys failed almost a year ago, and she was on dialysis, but the rest of her health conditions kept her off the kidney transplant list.

“Anyway,” Dr. Bronstein concluded, “I don't know exactly how you've found us, but any help you can offer is incredibly welcome. We don't know how much time she has left, since we've never seen something like this before, but, well, to be honest, it might not be very much time at all. Her family's been advised to help her get her things in order.”

Cosima hung on every word Dr. Bronstein said, picturing the cells and tissues and organs, and the woman lying on the hospital bed. “Third treatment this week,” she'd said, just that morning, on her Facebook page. The understatement of the century, it seemed. If nothing else, Avigail's attitude seemed positive.

“I'm glad she has her family with her,” Cosima said.

While Dr. Bronstein gave a standard sort of agreement, Delphine put her arm around Cosima's waist and held her tight, until an airport employee walked by and gave them a double take, and Cosima scooted away. On her own cell phone she typed We're in Turkey again, babe and showed it to Delphine. There could be no public displays of affection here.

“So, Dr. Bronstein,” Cosima said, “we've actually seen this condition a few times before, and we're very interested in treating Avigail if she'll let us, but, um –”

“Yes, that's what your colleague said in her email. How soon can you get here?” She laughed, and Cosima had a mental image of large front teeth.

“Well, that's just the thing,” Cosima began. “We'd love to get there as soon as possible, but –”

“–but we're also going to a lot of other countries in the region,” Delphine finished when Cosima's hand flapping indicated she needed help.

“I see,” Dr. Bronstein said.

“For the same purpose,” Delphine went on, “and our understanding is that we're not allowed into those countries after we've been to Israel.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and Cosima and Delphine exchanged a long look. In her research, Cosima had run across another interesting fact – people who visited Palestine were occasionally not allowed to enter Israel, unless they were Israeli citizens. She'd made a mental note of that and moved on, since they didn't plan to visit Palestine, but now she dredged it back out.

“For what it's worth, Dr. Bronstein, we're traveling exclusively for medical purposes. We really have no interest in anyone's political positions. We just want to cure these women. And, again, for whatever it's worth, we are not planning to go to Palestine. We haven't heard of any patients there with this condition.”

“Oh! Hahaha...” Dr. Bronstein chuckled. “No, no, I was thinking more of our patient here. You see, I've reached out to other doctors, and no one has any idea, either, so I'm simply surprised, ehm, surprised that you've had so much experience. That's all. And, worried, quite frankly. I am quite worried about what will happen if she is not treated soon.”

“Well, we have the treatment with us,” Delphine said. “We could send it to you.”

“With you? As in...?”

“As in, we're sitting next to it right now,” Cosima said. “But we're worried that if we bring it over, we won't be allowed into some of the other countries that we really need to get into.”

“I see. Well, one of you could come and the other could go to the other countries. Or not?”

That idea again. The worst part was that it was right. It would be the easiest solution. It would also be the absolute worst one.

“Yes,” Delphine acknowledged, “that is one of our possibilities, but we'd prefer not to travel alone if at all possible. I'm sure you understand.”

“Well, where else are you going, exactly?”

Delphine pulled up the itinerary she had save on her laptop. “Iraq, later today. Iran, Kuwait, Turkey, Lebanon, Syria...” Below Syria on the list were Jordan and Israel, followed by the European countries, but the noises Dr. Bronstein was making on the other end of the phone interrupted that flow.

“You're going to Syria?” Dr. Bronstein exclaimed. “Have you really found a patient there in such dire straights that you must absolutely go into that blazing inferno to treat them?”

Dire straights was putting it rather dramatically for most of the Ledas at the moment, since less than twenty percent had developed visible symptoms, but that was beside the point. “Yes,” Delphine said. “We have. She may have more time than Avigail, but we don't know how much.”

“Well, you certainly are dedicated,” Dr. Bronstein said. “You're not going to Jordan, then? It's a bit more peaceful.

“We are,” Cosima said. “After Syria.”

“I see. I was going to tell you that entering Jordan and Egypt is often easier after a trip to Israel than some of the other countries are, so you may consider going there instead.”

Cosima leaned her head back against the wall. That was not the point. “We'll keep that in mind, thank you.”

“About our other suggestion, though,” Delphine said, “about us mailing you the treatments. There would be five vials, all properly secured, with extensive instructions --”

“Erm, I don't know about that. You've administered this treatment to other women, you say?”

“Yes, more than a hundred of them.”

“Oh! Well, I can't think of anyone better qualified, then, to administer than yourself. I wouldn't feel completely comfortable no matter how extensive your instructions are, if I knew that there was someone better qualified to do it. And I assure you, Tel Aviv is quite safe. You don't need to worry about traveling alone here.”

Dr. Bronstein probably had a reassuring smile on her face, but Cosima's stomach continued the drop it had started twelve hours earlier. If Avigail's main doctor did not want to give her the cure herself, there wasn't much chance anyone else over there would, either.

“And if you're worried about the stamp,” the doctor went on, “I'm told that many tourists don't get their passports stamped at all. They have this little piece of paper they stamp for you instead. You can throw that away once you've left the country, if you like.”

Cosima and Delphine looked at each other. That changed everything. “Really?” Cosima asked.

“That's what I've been told. I'm a citizen, myself, so of course I've never been in that position.”

“It's worth a try,” Delphine said.

“Can we expect a visit, then?” Dr. Bronstein asked.

“We, euh, we need a few minutes to discuss it, privately,” Delphine told her. “May we call you back?”

“Of course. This is my mobile, so it shouldn't be any trouble.”

They got off the phone, and Cosima started pacing around. “If they just don't stamp it for anyone, we've been pulling our hair out for nothing. Not that I'm complaining, but, it would be suspiciously convenient.”

Delphine tapped away at her keyboard, then her eyes darted back and forth. “Other travelers back it up, actually.”

“Shit, we should've just put that in our Google search first. Here I was trying to see if I could tear the page out of my passport without anyone getting suspicious.”

Delphine leaned back against the wall, fingers resting on her keyboard. “You want to be the one to go, then?”

“I think it makes the most sense.”

Delphine nodded. “I agree. Just in case, you know.”

“In case they don't let me in anywhere else, after all. Which is still a possibility, I think.”

“I think so, too, but I don't know how much of one.”

Cosima thought of everything Dr. Bronstein had said about Avigail, about how she seemed to be staying alive out of sheet pluck while her body fell apart all around her. In the end, there really had been only one solution – this one. “Go ahead and call her back,” she told Delphine. “I can be there by tomorrow morning.”

*

A few hours later, after a visit to the ticketing agent, a phone call with Alison, two more phone calls and an email with Dr. Bronstein, and repacking of their carry-on bags, they stood together just outside the terminal for Delphine's departing flight to Baghdad, which she would take alone. Cosima's flight to Tel Aviv left in two more hours. Outside the terminal windows, the sun had set almost an hour ago, and each of them had several more waking hours ahead of them.

“Try to get some rest where you can,” Delphine told her. “You won't do Avigail any good if you're exhausted.”

“Yeah, I could say the same for you.”

“I have a little more time. The appointment isn't for another twenty-five hours.”

“Yeah, but you have to get to it.”

Outside on the tarmac, Delphine's Turkish Airlines plane pulled up to the extendable passenger bridge. Before it began discharging passengers, Cosima nudged Delphine and gestured towards the women's bathroom.

“Come on. Last chance for a little while.”

Delphine followed her into the largest stall and giggled as Cosima locked the door behind them. “You want to have sex in the bathroom? In ten minutes?”

Cosima made a face. “Not sex, no. Not smelling like this. Just...” She draped her arms around Delphine's neck and pulled her down for a long kiss. They stood together holding each other and kissing until passengers flooded the bathroom with their chatter, their laughter, their complaints, and a couple instances of explosive releases.

“I just wanted to kiss you again,” Cosima said. “It's gonna be a couple days till I can do it again.”

Delphine cupped Cosima's face in her left hand, stroking her earlobe with her pinky finger. “It's just a couple of days. I'll text you when I land, yeah?”

“Yeah. Same. I'll... I'll keep you abreast of all affairs.” Her terrible attempt at imitating Dr. Bronstein's accent made Delphine break into giggles again, but their moment was cut short by knocks on the stall door.

“We have to go,” Delphine whispered. She peppered Cosima's face with kisses and told her how much she loved her.

“I love you, too,” Cosima said, just before the knocking resumed with a bit more force. “Be safe, okay?”

“I will, I promise. You, as well.”

When they opened the door, they were greeted by a stout cleaning lady and a couple of curious travelers, all of whom expressed some version of “oh!” Delphine gave them her best smile and a cheery “Bonsoir!” as she and Cosima maneuvered their way through the people and back out into the main terminal.

And like every other flight they'd taken in this part of the world, Cosima did not hold Delphine's hand in the boarding line, or rest her head on Delphine's shoulder. For those other flights, though, Cosima had still been beside her, and now she wasn't. She stood by the departures board and watched her fiancée move through the line of almost exclusively Middle Eastern travelers and get her ticket checked. Just before rounding the corner onto the passenger bridge, Delphine turned and paused. She smiled and gave Cosima a tiny air kiss, then made her way down the hall and out of sight.

* * *

Four hours later, standing in line at Ben Gurion International Airport in Tel Aviv, Cosima flicked through her messages. Delphine had arrived safely in Baghdad an hour before and was suitably exhausted. She said the security escort was working out fine. Cosima texted her love and sent another message to Dr. Bronstein saying that she was waiting for passport control.

Wonderful! Dr. Bronstein replied. I will retrieve you personally and deliver you to our guest house. I am the tall thin woman in the burgundy jacket, but I also have your name on a sign, so we should have no trouble at all finding each other.

In the next message, Alison assured her that “the Jewish family who lives down the street” had been to Israel and never gotten their passports stamped in Tel Aviv, and they'd never had an issue visiting any other countries. She did not, however, specify which other countries they had tried to visit. See? Alison went on, I told you this would work out just fine.

Scott texted her that one of his Muslim coworkers had tried visiting Israel a few years ago, but got turned away at the border with Jordan. But that shouldn't be a problem for you, Scott said.

The line inched forward. A baby cried. A man bragged to a woman about the ultra marathon he'd run in Israel last year. A little boy whined about being hungry. And Cosima swayed on her feet with no one to lean against.

It was after one in the morning when Cosima finally reached the passport control window. She gave the uniformed man behind the glass her best smile and handed over her passport, open to the picture page.

“Miss Niehaus?” he clarified, winning top marks as one of very few people who got the pronunciation right on the first try. He spent longer than any other passport official ever had comparing her face to her picture, confirmed her date of birth and residence, and asked how long she planned to stay in Israel.

“Two weeks,” she said. They'd made the mistake way back in Ecuador of being vague but honest about how long they would stay, so now they gave a nice firm, if wrong, time frame right up front. He nodded and began flipping through the passport, slowing down after a few fully-stamped pages.

“Um, actually,” she said, “I was wondering if I could get one of those stamps pieces of paper instead?”

He glanced up at her and resumed his exploration of her travel history. “You go a lot of places, Miss Niehaus.”

“Yes. Yes I do.”

He clucked his tongue. “Very many places. Mexico. Argentina. Oman. Libya. Saudi Arabia.” He looked up at her with a frown. “And you have visas for Iran, Syria, and Iraq. You plan to visit them later?”

“Yes, well, you see, that's why I'm kind of hoping you might stamp a different paper instead, because they might not let me in if I have your stamp, and well, you know.” She smiled and held up her hands in a “what're you gonna do” gesture, to show that it wasn't his fault politics were all fucked up.

He did not smile. He leaned over, picked up the phone receiver, and mumbled into it. When he hung up, he gestured for Cosima to step to the left. “Stand aside, please, Miss Niehaus.”

“Oh. Okay, sure. Um, can I have my –”

The officer handed her passport to a tall man in a gray uniform who approached and looked her up and down, one hand on the strap of his rifle.

“Oh, shit,” she whispered.

*

The room they took her to was tiny, with a long table on one side and two metal chairs on the other. A uniformed woman directed her to remove her boots, jacket, belt, and all of her jewelry. She then gave Cosima the most thorough pat down Cosima had gotten from anyone other than Delphine. While that went on, an middle aged woman (Soldier? Guard? Border officer?) sat in one of the metal chairs. The man who'd taken Cosima's passport placed her bags on the long table, and he handed the passport to the second woman, who set a recorder with a blinking red light on the table.

“Sit,” the woman told Cosima. “Take your hair down.”

Cosima did so, and the younger woman worked her fingers down the length of every one of Cosima's dreadlocks.

“It's okay, I left the explosive hair pins at home,” Cosima snarked when the hair inspection was about halfway done.

The younger woman paused for a moment. “No jokes, please.”

So Cosima sat quietly while the man opened up her bags, setting the electronics to one side, and the older woman looked through her passport. Maybe it was her exhaustion seeping through, but the more she watched them working, the more they reminded her of General Leia Organa and Kylo Ren from the new Star Wars movies.

The officer Cosima now mentally called General Organa began the conversation. “So Miss Niehaus, what brings you to Israel?”

She had practiced professional answer for that. “It's a medical trip. There's a patient here who's arranged for us, I mean, for me to come and treat her.”

“What's the patient's name?”

“Uh, that's confidential. Patient confidentially's very important to us.”

“Who's us?”

“The Sadler and Daughter's Foundation. Their information is on a card in my purse.”

The Kylo Ren guard emptied her purse onto the table and fished around in her things until he got the little stack of business cards, which he handed to the General.

General Organa arched an eyebrow. “So you're based in Toronto, but hold a US passport. Where will you be treating this patient?”

“At the Tel Aviv Medical Center.” When the General put the cards back on the table, Cosima added, “I have an appointment there first thing in the morning, and our patient's life really depends on me being there.”

As if on cue, Cosima's phone rang, vibrating its way in a little circle on the metal table next to her laptop.

“That's probably my contact at the hospital,” Cosima said. “She was supposed to pick me up here.”

No one moved to hand her the phone, but they waited until it stopped ringing to speak again. “And who is this contact?” the General asked.

That part was not exactly confidential. “Dr. Ada Bronstein. I can give you her contact information.”

“Please do. We also need to search your email addresses and your mobile phone.”

“Excuse me?”

“Failure to comply will jeopardize your chances of entering the country.” The General gestured to the male guard, who handed the laptop and the cell phone over to Cosima.

“Unlock these,” he said.

Unlocking her phone, she saw that, indeed, Dr. Bronstein had called her, and sent a text message inquiring about her whereabouts. “Can I just respond to these real quick?” Cosima asked.

General Organa frowned up at her, but did not say no, so Cosima sent a quick text. They're asking me a lot of questions. Then the young female guard took her cell phone and the General took her laptop. While they poked and prodded, Kylo Ren continued his search of Cosima's carry-on bag.

“I hope you like all the pictures of my fiancée,” Cosima muttered to the guard scrolling through her cell phone.

There was no reaction from the guards to her statement. Kylo Ren, though, held up the case containing the Avigail's cure, and Cosima sat bolt upright.

“What's this?” he asked.

“That's the medicine we use to treat people.”

“What is the chemical composition?”

At this point, it must have been close to two o'clock in the morning local time. Cosima's hands and legs were trembling, and biting her tongue got harder with every question they asked. Still, miraculously, she did not give the chemical composition as “the cum I scraped off your mom's face last night, bitch” but rather gave the actual breakdown of materials in each vial. The guard's face glazed over after five words or so, but the little recorder on the desk blinked away, and someone listening certainly knew what she was talking about.

“Where was it manufactured?” Kylo Ren asked.

“Toronto, Canada.”

“Where exactly?”

“The basement of a comic book shop. The Rabbit Hole.” She waved at her laptop. “Look it up. There's a picture of it on our Foundation's website.”

General Organa leaned forward on her chair. “You have been asked a serious question, Ms. Niehaus. If you wish to enter the country, I strongly suggest that you take this process seriously.”

Cosima's voice trembled and she dug her fingers into her palms. “Dude, I am as a serious as a fucking heart attack. There is a woman here in Tel Aviv who needs that medicine to survive. You can call her doctor if you don't believe me. Her number is in my phone.”

“That won't be necessary.”

Cosima bit her lip and struggled not to cry. She was in the habit of not drinking much in the last hour of any plane ride, in case she couldn't use a bathroom anytime soon after landing. The habit came in handy now, but her throat was dry and the blood vessels in her head throbbed, and crying wouldn't make any of that better. She took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Can I at least know why you're holding me? Or, like, your names or anything? Badge numbers?”

In college, when she participated in far more political protests, she'd had the whole spiel of what to say to cops memorized. But that was years ago, and she hadn't been exhausted or desperate to save someone else's life.

The young female guard came around in front of her and held Cosima's phone up so the screen was a foot away from Cosima's nose. “Who are they?” she demanded.

Cosima put her glasses back on to see the picture of Nabil and his siblings around their new kitchen table. “Friends. Their aunt is a friend of mine.”

The guard handed the phone to her superior and looked down at Cosima with a face that had switched from professional indifference to outright contempt. “Where are they?”

“Djibouti. Why, you wanna call them, too? Wake them up in the middle of the night?”

The General's body language also changed when she saw the picture. “How do you know these children?”

“I just told you, they're my friend's nieces and nephews.”

“What friend?”

“A friend in Djibouti. She was also a patient of mine, and the kids are in her custody.”

The General shoved the image closer to Cosima's face. “Those children are not Djiboutian. They are Arab.”

If she had been less tired, Cosima would have rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you got me, they're from Yemen. They're refugees. You might be aware that there's a bit of a refugee situation, like, fucking, globally right now, right?”

“Well, that's a bit closer to the truth, finally.” The General pointed to Nabil's selfie, not to his smiling face but to the wall of their apartment, where a green flag with white swords decorated the drab brown and gray. “What symbol is that, Ms. Niehaus?”

“I...” She looked again, with the feeling of being dropped into the most important geography pop quiz of her life. The flag looked Saudi Arabian, but the swords pointed up more, and there was a book between the sword tips that wasn't present on the Saudi flag. The flag wasn't Djiboutian, Egyptian, Algerian, or any other country she recognized, either. “I have no fucking clue. I'm sure you have a specialist somewhere in Tel Aviv who can answer that question for you, though.”

“Smart ass,” Kylo Ren muttered, shaking out her underwear once piece at a time.

“Ms. Niehaus,” the General said, “I suggest you give us a very good explanation for this photo, right away, or I shall have to deny your entry into our country, not only for today, but for the next ten years at the very least.”

Tears fell from Cosima's eyes before she could speak. So much for not crying. “What the fucking hell,” she whispered into her hands. “Please,” she said, looking at the General and opening crying now, “they're just kids. They're good kids. Their parents are dead. I don't know what the flag means. They probably don't know, either. For fuck's sake half of them can barely read! This has nothing to do with Israel, or, or with anything else! Just let me cure my patient and leave! Then I swear to God I'll stay away for the next ten years or forever if you want me to!”

General Organa might have said more, but the door opened and a trim young officer stepped in and addressed her in Hebrew.

They stepped out together, leaving Cosima with her guards, staring at her belongings scattered across the table and quietly sobbing. Delphine would have been out of here by now. She would have said just the right things, had just the right whatever-the-fuck, and they would have let her in the country with no problems. But now, hopefully, Delphine was sleeping peacefully in a hotel bed, in a country that everyone had told them not to go into, and Cosima was this close to being denied entry into what Alison called “the only civilized country in the Middle East.”

Cosima had almost dozed off on the little metal chair when the door opened again and the General came in with Cosima's passport in her hand and a scowl on her face. “You're very lucky, Ms. Niehaus. We've been instructed to let you into the country without further delay. Get your things together, please.”

Keenly aware of the guns still pointed not exactly at her but certainly not away from her, Cosima stuffed everything back into her bags, only taking any care with her cell phone, her laptop, and the cure. She asked no questions and made no comments. Once she was finished, she turned and held out her hand for her passport, but instead, the guards led her back around to the passport control desk.

“Dr. Bronstein will meet you through those doors,” the General said, her voice dripping with disdain. Then she cut in front of the other people waiting to get into the country, went into the passport control booth, and stamped Cosima's passport with the Israeli travel visa.

[jgkoomey]

Talking Sense About Bitcoin Electricity Use

There’s been a lot written over the past couple of years about the electricity used to mine Bitcoin, the most prominent of many cryptocurrencies. I can best summarize the credibility and tone of that coverage with the following headline from Newsweek:

Bitcoin Mining On Track To Consume All Of The World’s Energy By 2020

This kind of headline makes me cringe, because it’s

1) an invalid extrapolation of oversimplified calculations that are no better than guesses that may mislead investors into taking rash actions; and (less importantly)

2) Bitcoin mining uses electricity, not (usually) other forms of energy.

I’ve been studying the electricity used by computing equipment for more than two decades, so I have some things to say about this latest outbreak of people taking leave of their critical faculties.

I’m also the author of an award winning book on critical thinking skills (among many other books and articles), recently out in its 3rd edition (Turning Numbers into Knowledge: Mastering the Art of Problem Solving, October 1, 2017).

In this post, I lay out my thoughts about how sensible people can avoid being misled by the hype machine on Bitcoin electricity use. I created a blog page that lists the recent links I’ve been able to find on this topic, which you can find here.

I’m making no judgment here about whether Bitcoin is something that society shouldbe doing, just focusing on the narrow question of what we know about the estimates of electricity used by Bitcoin currently making the rounds.

PRELIMINARIES

Bitcoin is what’s called a “cryptocurrency”, which is a digital medium of exchange and a store of value under decentralized control (unlike traditional currencies that are created and regulated by governments). The technology underlying Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies is what’s called “block chain”, which is a decentralized way to establish and maintain trust among people interacting with each other.

Bitcoin is a public, permissionless block chain that uses what’s called “proof of work” to establish this trust. There are other types of block chains, and in some cases these can be designed to be less computationally and energy intensive than Bitcoin. I’ll explore the implications of this fact below.

There are at least a couple of credible academic studies of Bitcoin electricity use (O’Dwyer and Malone 2014 and Vrankan 2017), but things change so fast in this field that estimates become outdated in weeks or months.

BRANDOLINI’S LAW GOVERNS

In 2014, and Italian software developer named Alberto Brandolini made the following trenchant observation, which has come to be known as Brandolini’s law, or the BS asymmetry principle (where BS stands for bull manure in polite company):  

The amount of energy needed to refute BS is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.

This “law” encapsulates one important reality of living in the digital age: it’s easier to create ostensibly accurate but incorrect numbers than it is to demonstrate why such numbers are invalid. That is the nature of careful analysis, but people have come to expect instant answers on new topics, even when there isn’t any real data or research. That’s the case for Bitcoin electricity use, which has emerged as a topic of wide public interest only in the past couple of years.

My corollary to Brandolini’s law is that

In fast changing fields, like information technology, BS refutations lag BS production more strongly than in fields with less rapid change.

This corollary places special obligations on media producers and consumers (Koomey 2014).

KNOW YOUR HISTORY

Information technology changes at a much more rapid pace than many other technologies (Nordhaus 2007, Koomey et al. 2011, Koomey et al. 2013, Koomey and Naffziger 2016). Unfortunately, innumerate observers love to mindlessly extrapolate rapid exponential growth rates to create “clickbait” headlines like the one in Newsweek I cited above. There’s also a tendency to assume that because information technology is economically important that it also must use a lot of electricity, but that’s just not the case.

Here are a couple of historical examples.

In 2003, writing in IEEE Spectrum, I cited an anecdote from Andrew Odlyzko, formerly at AT&T, now at the University of Minnesota (Koomey 2003). Odlyzko documented the genesis of a familiar “factoid” from the mid-1990s (“the Internet doubles every 100 days”) that led to a substantial overinvestment in the fiber optic network. This misconception

was based on data reported by UUNet, the first commercial Internet service provider, in the mid-1990s. In those days, at least for a brief time, such growth rates actually prevailed. But for almost all the rest of the 1990s, data flows were doubling only every year or so, as documented by Kerry Coffman and Andrew Odlyzko of AT&T Corp. and reported by The Wall Street Journal in 2002.

The difference between the two growth rates is huge: because of the magic of compounding, a doubling of traffic every 100 days translates into growth of about 1000 percent a year, rather than the 100 percent-a-year growth represented by an annual doubling.

During the dot-com boom, industry leaders, investment analysts, and the popular press repeated that gross overestimate of the growth of Internet data flow. The bogus figures helped justify dubious investments in network infrastructure and contributed greatly to overcapacity in the telecommunications and networking industries. Only a tiny fraction of this network capacity is now [circa 2003] being used, and billions of dollars [were] squandered because of blind acceptance of flawed conventional wisdom.

Misleading factoids about information technology electricity use emerged from coal-industry funded studies around the year 2000, at the time of the first dot com bubble and the California electricity crisis. They popped up again, from the same authors and funders, in 2005and 2013. The claims were reported in every major newspaper, cited by investment banking reports and politicians of both political parties, and avidly promoted by people and companies who should have known better.

The authors claimed that the Internet used 8% of US electricity in 2000, that all computers (including the Internet) used 13%, and that the total would grow to 50% of US electricity in 10 years. The authors also claimed that a wireless Palm VII used as much electricity as a refrigerator (later updated to an iPhone using as much electricity as TWO refrigerators) for the networking to support its data flows.

All of these claims turned out to be bunk, but it took years of creating peer reviewed research to prove it. We found that the Internet (defined as those authors defined it) used only 1% of US electricity in 2000, all computers used 3%, the total would never grow to half of all electricity use, and that the factoid about the wireless Palm VII overestimated networking electricity by a factor of 2000. In virtually every case, we found that those authors had overestimated electricity used by computing equipment. For a summary of these claims and a review of their effects on investors, see the Epilogue to the 3rd Edition of Turning Numbers into Knowledge.

These examples came to mind when I first heard about recent claims about Bitcoin electricity use, but the Bitcoin issue has some unique features.

BEWARE OF HAND WAVING ESTIMATES

The web site Digiconomist is the source for many media estimates of Bitcoin electricity use. The site is the creation of Alex de Vries, an economist in the Netherlands, and he summarizes his estimates in the form of his “Bitcoin consumption index”. Figure 1 is a screen shot of that index for roughly the past 16 months, showing TWh (terawatt-hours or billion kWh) on the Y-axis and time on the X-axis:

One important feature of cryptocurrency electricity use is that you need to specify the exact day to which your estimate applies. That’s because Bitcoin mining is increasing rapidly over time, so generating a monthly or annual average isn’t accurate enough. Such growth makes estimates from only a couple of years back less useful for estimating current day Bitcoin electricity use than you might expect.

De Vries recently published a commentary article in the journal Joule, in which he summarized the method for generating the Bitcoin consumption index. De Vries is able to create a time series day by day because he generates the index using following data:

1) the price of bitcoin over some time period (it was about $6300 as of today, October 29, 2018);

2) the number of Bitcoins mined over that same time period;

3) an assumption about the percentage of the bitcoin price that is electricity (60%), which would include both direct electrcity use for bitcoin mining rigs and the supporting infrastructure electricity(cooling, fans, pumps, power conversion, etc); and

4) an assumption about the price of electricity (5¢ US/kWh)

Figure 1: Digiconomist Bitcoin Energy Consumption Index

The price of bitcoin over some time period times the number of Bitcoins mined in that period (plus transaction fees) gives total revenues, which are multiplied by 60% to get electricity expenditures. Those expenditures are divided by the assumed electricity price to get electricity consumption of the network in TWh.

The calculation has the advantage of being tractable using available data, but it relies on assumptions about economic parameters and Bitcoin miner behavior (e.g., optimal allocation of mining resources) to estimate physical characteristics of a technological system.

Calculations like these set off alarm bells for me. Economic parameters (like Bitcoin prices) are volatile, and are at best imperfectly correlated with electricity use. In real economic systems, there may be a tendency towards optimality, but they often don’t get close because of transaction costs, cognitive failures, and other imperfections in people and institutions. In addition, the assumptions used by Digiconomist are so simplistic as to make any credible analyst wary.

DOING IT RIGHT

The more direct way to estimate electricity used by equipment is to understand the characteristics of the underlying computing, cooling, and power distribution equipment using field data (as we did for our most recent data center report). Unfortunately, aside from a few anecdotes in the trade and popular press, there’s little information on Bitcoin mining operations.

The servers used for Bitcoin mining are nowadays customized for just that application, and they bear little resemblance to standard server hardware installed in corporate or hyperscale data centers. Because these custom servers have not been tracked by the big data providers (like IDC and Gartner), we have only guesses/estimates as to how many are being built. We know almost nothing about where they’re being installed. And our knowledge of the power systems and cooling equipment in these facilities is virtually nil.

These data issues make it hard to create accurate estimates of electricity used by Bitcoin mining in the aggregate. This is probably why de Vries used his simplified economic approach to generate his index, but that doesn’t mean this method is a reliable indicator of Bitcoin electricity use.

Marc Bevand, an “analyst and crypto[currency] entrepreneur”, critiqued the Digiconomist estimates on February 1, 2017. Most importantly, he expressed concern over the arbitrary choice of 60% of revenues being electricity, and showed a range in his data (based on real equipment) of between 6.3% and 38.6%. Using a more refined approach and more detailed information about the characteristics of Bitcoin mining rigs over time, he estimated Bitcoin electricity use for February 26, 2017, July 28, 2017, and January 11, 2018. Figure 2 compares the Bevand and Digiconomist estimates for those three days.

Bevand did not generate day by day estimates for the intervening periods as Digiconomist does, but these three data points are enough to teach some important lessons. Both sources show growth of about fourfold between February 26, 2017 and January 11th, 2018. That’s rapid growth compared to conventional end-uses, so it’s not surprising that Bitcoin is getting more attention. The big difference is in the absolute electricity consumption. Bevand’s estimates are less than half of the Digiconomist estimates. They also are far more technically detailed and less dependent on high level arbitrary assumptions, which makes them more trustworthy, in my view.

Another important finding from this graph is the relative scale. The world used 21,200 TWh/year in 2016, the latest year for which I could find historical data, and this number increases by only a few percent a year, if history is any guide. This means that on January 11, 2018, Bitcoin accounted for about 0.1% of global electricity if Bevand’s numbers are correct.

Figure 2: Comparison of Digiconomist and Bevand Estimates of Bitcoin Electricity Use

IT’S NOT A CRISIS, BUT MORE RESEARCH IS NEEDED

According to the International Energy Agency, data centers and global networking equipment each accounted for about 1% of global electricity use in 2014, for a total of 2% (IEA 2017). In addition, growth in electricity use for data centers appears to have slowed substantially in recent years, as is also true for the US (Shehabi et al. 2016). Because of inefficiencies in current corporate data centers, little if any growth is expected for electricity use of data centers as a whole over the next couple of years.

Mining Bitcoin accounts for about 0.1% of global electricity use if Bevand’s estimates are correct, implying that total data center electricity use is about 5% bigger than what IEA estimates (Bitcoin isn’t included in those figures). Without better data, it’s hard to be any more precise than that.

Recent growth rates for Bitcoin mining are substantial, and if that growth continues at anywhere near current rates, Bitcoin electricity use will become more important soon. Continued growth in Bitcoin mining electricity use depends on the price of bitcoin, the difficulty of mining Bitcoin (which goes up as mining speed goes up), and the rate of efficency improvements in Bitcoin mining rigs. It also depends on electricity prices, the cost of mining equipment, and the continued laissez-faire attitude many governments have about Bitcoin (which could change quickly, but no one can predict if or when that might happen).

One thing we should NOT do is recklessly extrapolate recent growth rates for Bitcoin into the future, as the Nature Climate Change article coming out today appears to do (Mora et al. 2018). I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous, irresponsible, and misleading such extrapolations can be, and no credible analyst should ever extrapolate in this manner, nor should readers of reports on this topic fall for this well-known mistake.

Another big uncertainty is that we know even less about other cryptocurrencies than about Bitcoin, so more research is clearly needed there. The electricity use for non-Bitcoin cryptocurrencies should be tallied, both because the total is important and because these other cryptocurrencies (which can be MUCH more energy efficient than Bitcoin) may represent competition to Bitcoin if the electricity demands of Bitcoin become unmanageable.

We urgently need measured data about Bitcoin mining facilities in the field, including characteristics of Bitcoin mining rigs and the power and cooling infrastructure needed to support them. The Digiconomist estimate uses very high level assumptions and data to estimate electricity use, while Bevand creates a more detailed technical estimate, but neither includes much if any field data on actual equipment in real facilities. If we’re to get a better handle on Bitcoin electricity use, such field studies and data are vital.

A colleague (Professor Eric Masanet) and I have secured a small amount of funding to investigate the implications of block chains for electricity use, and that project begins in November 2018. To do such analyses properly (as we did in 2007, 2008, 2011, 2013, and again in 2016 for US data center electricity use) takes teams of scientists and hundreds of thousands of dollars, so it’s no surprise this emergent issue hasn’t yet been carefully studied (EPA 2007, Koomey 2008, Masanet et al. 2011, Masanet et al. 2013, Shehabi et al. 2016). Policy makers naturally want answers quickly, but until more research is funded, there’s not a whole lot more we can say about this issue.

OTHER LESSONS

While I encourage everyone in the electricity sector to track Bitcoin as a potential source of new load growth, please use caution and avoid being misled by the hype. Breathless media coverage papers over the uncertainties in the underlying data, and makes it seem like Bitcoin is taking over the world, but in fact it’s likely only 0.1% of global electricity consumption, and it is unlikely to continue growing at recent historical rates.

Because the rate of change in Bitcoin electricity use can be rapid, it is critically important that no estimates of electricity use be cited or reported unless the day to which that estimate applies is also reported. It is not sufficient to report the year in which an estimate applies, because things change so fast.

If there are many mining facilities proposed in a utility service territory, I suggest that they be charged the full cost of transmission and distribution infrastructure investments up front. Bitcoin mining can disappear just as fast as it rose to prominence, and you don’t want ratepayers to be left holding the bag. I’m not predicting that outcome, just pointing it out as a possibility with real risks to utility ratepayers.

If Bitcoin electricity use becomes more important, we’re likely to face questions about whether to allocate limited zero emissions generation resources to power it. If we use it for Bitcoin, we can’t use it elsewhere, so we’ll have to choose. This concern should factor into the needed societal conversation about whether cryptocurrencies are something we should as a society encourage.

The method for ascertaining trust for Bitcoin is needlessly computationally intensive, and other cryptocurrencies have taken a different tack. Resource intensity can be reduced substantially (i.e., by orders of magnitude) with software and protocol redesign, so it’s not just a question of hardware efficiency. As use cases for cryptocurrencies emerge, we’ll need to confront the possibility that more efficient cryptocurrency designs may be a better fit than Bitcoin for a low emissions world.

CONCLUSIONS

It’s still early days for cryptocurrency and the data on its electricity use are still too poor to derive firm conclusions. The issue bears watching, but caution is indicated, particularly when large investments are involved (like for transmission lines and distribution transformers for new bitcoin mining facilities). Media observers should beware of mindless extrapolations of recent trends, as such simpleminded methods can lead to consequential mistakes. At this point (as of January 11, 2018), Bitcoin mining accounts for about 0.1% of global electricity use, but recent growth has been rapid. What happens next is up to us.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Professor Harald Vrankan of the Open University of the Netherlands and Jens Malmodin of Ericsson gave comments on an earlier version of this blog post. The author is responsible for the blog post itself and any errors contained herein.

REFERENCES

IEA. 2017. Digitalization and Energy. Paris, France: International Energy Agency.  [https://www.iea.org/digital/]

Koomey, Jonathan. 2003. "Sorry, Wrong Number:  Separating Fact from Fiction in the Information Age." In IEEE Spectrum. June. pp. 11-12. [http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/xpls/abs_all.jsp?arnumber=1203076&tag=1]

Koomey, Jonathan. 2008. "Worldwide electricity used in data centers."  Environmental Research Letters.  vol. 3, no. 034008. September 23. [http://stacks.iop.org/1748-9326/3/034008]

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[momorabu]

Ensemble Stars! Event Story -  Radiant ☆ Hot Holiday Party / Holiday Party

I’m back from vacation and finally ready to write about this event! Though unfortunately I didn’t get much time to participate much and thus missed getting my 660K reward this time TWT TWT (Bye bye Koga~ TWT) Sorry this gets so late in posting up, I’m still not used to writing long chunks of text after a long while~ (Have to do it in parts over the days)

But still, this event story was fun to write about and it was quite a heartwarming one and a nice way to wrap up the year with a new year party! (+ abit of doki doki moments? >///<) Even though it’s late wishes from me, Happy New Year!

As always, the summary of the story can be found below. Translation may not be 100% accurate due to my poor Japanese skills~

Prologue

Early one morning when Kaoru was going into the classroom, he found Chiaki squatting near the door and almost bumped into him. Chiaki, surprised that Kaoru was actually caring about him (when Kaoru was just questioning why he is squatting there ^^;), said that it’s rare that Kaoru cared for him since he was always all “I’ll help out girls who are in trouble but guys? No thank you.”

Kaoru replied that even though helping guys will not be a priority to him over girls, he’s not that heartless to not care about fellow classmates, and that makes Chiaki all happy that Kaoru actually treated him as a friend and went to hug him. But Kaoru started complaining that he doesn’t want a hug and will rather they have the distance of “normal friends” XD (And I used to think the two of them are like BFF when I read they are friends on the website last time, but apparently it seems like one-sided relationship from Chiaki most of the time ^^;)

The two of them went on talking about the aftermath of SS, and that even in the winter break, Trickstar still has lots of things to work on and thus, was still quite busy. Chiaki said he wanted to help out Trickstar and “me” even though he was from another unit, to which Kaoru suspected that Chiaki has “motives” for wanting to help out, suggesting that he may be using this chance to shorten the distance between him and “me”. Chiaki quickly dismissed the idea, saying that “our” relationship is not like this at all and wished that Kaoru would stop misunderstanding all male/female relationships as romantic instead. (How come I feel that Chiaki is one who would stop all rumours immediately when it comes to scandals… Its good but the way he dismissed it straight away feels abit like rejection to me ><”)

Kaoru couldn’t understand Chiaki’s perception either, saying that he finds it more amazing that a male and female could be just platonic friends. (I do kind of agree with Kaoru, but that’s because it’s quite rare. It’s definitely possible since I have friends from the opposite gender, though not a lot ^^;)

Chiaki went on to talk about the reason that he’s coming back to school on the winter break (Kaoru actually forgot it was winter break so he came to school for no reason XDD): To organise a “Bonenkai” (End of Year Party) for Ryuseitai to reward them for their year of hard work, especially because the guys did a good job at the Eve Eve Live and Starlight Festival. Chiaki initially thought a barbecue party will be good, but seems like it’s not suitable for Shinobu (who has a small appetite) and Midori (who doesn’t want to eat too much meat in case he grows big again ^^;) (Ahh…. The tastes of the Ryuseitai kids are hard to capture! ><”)So Chiaki now has a problem as he’s not sure where he should organise the Bonenkai that is suitable for Ryuseitai.

Kaoru suggested that Chiaki could go look for “me” since “I’m” a producer, “I” should know what everyone’s tastes are like and would be able to help to suggest a venue that’s suitable. However, they do not know where “I” was and “I’m” not contactable too. Even though Kaoru was glad that his distance with “me” had shortened over time (to the point “I’ll” praise him when he works hard and puts in effort), but he feels that it’ll be too rude to make a visit to “my” home to find “me”, and that “my” impression of him will drop to the bottom of the ocean if that happens ^^; (At least you know exactly where you stand Kaoru…)

In the end, the two of them head off to “my” classroom to search in hope that “I” might be there. (The way Kaoru calls for me always make me feel like he’s a horror game criminal, asking me not to hide anymore ^^;) Turns out luckily “I” was there, and after listening to Chiaki’s problem, “I” suggested a restaurant that even Kaoru agreed that it’s a good venue, even though he didn’t have the chance to really enter it as he has only heard of it when he was looking for good dating spots last time. (Oh Kaoru~ That’s how you do research~)

In the end, “I” ended up tagging along with them when Kaoru extended an invitation to “me”. He’s happy that he gets to go on a “date” with me, even though after that he amended what he said as he understood that it’s best to be friends… (Yeah right, as if Kaoru is not planning to move up onto romantic relationships~)

(Chiaki is too cute here being naive to the Kaoru’s “friendship” XD He even complimented that he enjoyed seeing the “friendship” blooming between “me” and Kaoru ^^;)

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2

On the way to the restaurant, Chiaki and Kaoru noticed that the new year decorations have already been put up onto the streets since new year is fast approaching. Kaoru doesn’t seem to have a very nice memory of new year, since his family is always very busy during this period of time, to the point even receiving money doesn’t make him any much happier (Then you should give your money to me Kaoru, I’ll be very very happy! XD)

Chiaki mentioned that he wants to improve himself in the new year, by changing his habit of hugging people since Kaoru sort of nagged him on it that him hugging even females will make Chiaki become unpopular XD (But Chiaki clarified it’s not that he wants to be more popular but because he kind of realised that it’s inappropriate to hug the opposite gender randomly ^^; I don’t know why does it take THAT long throughout his life to notice that…) He did warn that it’ll take a while for the habit to drop off though since it’s a habit cultivated by years… ^^;

The restaurant was great and so Chiaki was all happy ready to reserve… when they realised that there’s an MV filming schedule on the last day of the year, and so it’ll crash with the “Bonenkai” plans. Chiaki was disappointed and was planning to shift the date for the “Bonenkai” elsewhere when “I” said “I’ll” figure out a plan and asked him not to worry~ (I wondered too what is the plan though at the time of reading this~)

Chapter 2 - Chapter 3

Chiaki decided to gather everyone in Ryuseitai together to announce about the “Bonenkai” though at that time he hasn’t received any updates on how “my” plans would be regarding this matter.

Tetora thought it’ll be regarding a new work and was hyped and excited, as he hoped that it’ll be a “manly” one, but Kanata was feeling very stressed and didn’t want to work as he’s being banned from “submerging” for the time being. (It was freaking winter time and Chiaki said that Kanata might die if he ended up sleeping in the cold fountain water like how it was in the Eve Eve Live event story.) Midori got depressed once he heard “I” was involved, resigning to the fact it must be a new work…

And he got depressed to the point that he wanted to “fly” and went on to open the AV room window O.O” (Woah Woah… Why is Midori suddenly becoming suicidal?! OAO”) That made everyone panicked as Chiaki tried to calm Midori down by saying it’s not a new work so no need to get all depressed to the point of jumping because of it. (But I can definitely understand Midori’s feeling of wanting to slack and rest the rest of the year away… ^^;)

Just then, Chiaki received a text message from me, revealing "my” plans, which was to change the location where the MV to be filmed to the restaurant, so that we’ll be able to have both the MV filming and the “Bonenkai” together at the same place on the same day ^^ In fact, Chiaki was so happy to the point that he made a note that he shall hug “me” as a “Thank You”, and Midori has to remind him again that his hug will count as a sexual harassment XDD (Since I thought Chiaki you said you wanted to change this bad habit of yours!)

(It’s cute how Shinobu is all grateful to Chiaki thinking about all of them and organising this event and finding a place that suits all of them, and he went and jumped into Chiaki’s arms, giving him a big hug >////< Ah… That scene is so precious~)

There’s an additional note in the 2nd part of the text message which Chiaki missed out just now though, which is UNDEAD will be filming together with them on the same day at the same venue, and that “I” wished that the two units will get along together. Everyone seems fine with the arrangement, especially for Kanata, since he mentioned it’ll be a good chance to meet up with Rei again.

Chapter 4 - Chapter 5

Koga met up with Adonis at the cafe that Adonis usually frequent, so Adonis was feeling kind of uneasy and wanting to hide, to which Koga suggested him to hide behind him if he really feels that uncomfortable. The funny thing is Adonis was being too honest as he replied that even if he wants to, Koga’s won’t be able to hide him completely if he went behind him XD

The reason why Adonis was feeling uncomfortable, as since he’s a frequent customer of that cafe, he felt like he’ll be recognized straight away by the owners and he’s not sure what reaction he should give when they mentioned about Adonis bringing his friends over. (Turns out it’s not just Koga who is there, but also Kaoru too. Apparently the whole of UNDEAD are meeting there that day, but Rei hasn’t arrived yet.) (And seems like Adonis frequent this cafe so often that the owner will say “Blueberry parfait?” whenever they see him, I guess Adonis always ordered that XD)

Kaoru was just silently looking at both Adonis and Koga interacting with each other, thinking that they get along so well that he finds that he’ll be disturbing them if he intrudes ^^; (Kaoru can definitely join them if he wants~) He thought that his past self would have definitely checked whether he himself is having a fever since if it was Kaoru in the past, he would never had such thoughts about enjoying his time with his juniors (since they’re all guys), but somehow he likes how he’s feeling right now.

Kaoru revealed that his favourites are pancakes, especially with lots of maple syrup. Koga can’t stand it though as he doesn’t like sweet stuff, which is kind of a disadvantage to him as most of the food sold at the cafe are sweet ^^;

It’s nice that Koga is gradually having a better impression of Kaoru nowadays, as Kaoru has been attending lessons and practices, and also does his practices and work seriously. (Since Koga is actually a very hardworking person, it must have taken quite awhile to change his impression, since I bet he has always thought that Kaoru was a slacker… ^^”)

Their food arrived, and even though the pancakes are tasty to Kaoru, he felt that he’s missing someone who could have made the pancakes even tastier. And that leads to Koga misunderstanding that the person that Kaoru misses was Rei (since he hasn’t arrived yet), and thought that Kaoru likes Rei. (I bet the “like” Koga is referring was romantically XDD) That makes Kaoru pissed off since he dislikes guy so that misunderstanding just sounds so wrong to him ^^; He clarified that the person he misses was “me” since Kaoru feels that eating sweet treats with just a bunch of guys is just lacking, eating with girls definitely sound sweeter ^^;

Talking about Rei, guessed who appeared in a coffin right outside the cafe? Turns out that “I” was pushing the coffin that Rei was in all the way from the school to here, since Rei was still very sleepy in the day. The other members complained though, with Kaoru saying that it’s very not gentleman-like of Rei to get a weak girl pushing a coffin while he himself enjoying a nice nap in it, and Koga asking “me” not to be so nice to Rei since it’s not a girl’s job to push a coffin around. (But then I think it shouldn’t be anyone’s job usually to push a coffin around actually though…)

Kaoru tried to feed me a mouth of pancakes, but I’ve rejected him. (Aww… Poor Kaoru getting rejected again ^^;) Koga noticed that Kaoru tends to get more excited when “I’m” around. (Well Kaoru’s energy level increases or decreases depending on whether there are any girls around XDD) (But it’s nice that even Koga is willing to give a mouthful to “me” since “I” seems to be more interested in his pilaf rather than Kaoru’s pancakes XD)

Kaoru tried again to get “my” attention by asking “me” to sit next to him on the sofa (since the other side is quite squeezy with Adonis and Koga), but his advances got blocked by Rei as he invited himself to just sit next to Kaoru much to his dismay. (lit. ”No no, why is Rei sitting next to me? I called for “her”, not for a guy!)

It was initially supposed to be a meetup discussion talking about the day when UNDEAD is filming MV with Ryuseitai on the same day but turns out everyone is more into eating in the end. Oblivious Adonis is just dishing out food to “me”, asking “me” to eat more meat XD

Chapter 6

The two units decided to meet up at the restaurant venue a few days before the filming date, and it was decided that all of them will meet up outside the restaurant and then enter together.

Midori ended up arriving earlier than usual, and while complaining it’s cold and he wants to go into somewhere warmer. He found that Koga has already arrived and was even sneezing in the cold weather. However, Midori is quite shy in nature and was feeling awkward since he has no idea how he is going to communicate with Koga. (Seems like this is a recurring scenario whenever Midori meets someone new that he isn’t close with. The last time I read was with Keito right?)

Koga noticed him too and the two started to talk, with Koga mostly initiating the conversations (which greatly helped Midori). Funny how Koga keeps calling Midori ノッポ (which I went ahead and search what it means and it literally just means a tall person, similar to how we call a short person “chibi”). And poor Midori gets all sad since he doesn’t want to grow big in the first place.

Seems that Koga ended up being quite a nice guy, as he noticed that Midori seems cold, and went ahead to buy him a can of hot coffee to keep him warm when he himself is feeling pretty cold too. Midori got really touched by his actions since Koga is being a good senior taking care of him, when Midori isn’t even his unit member~ (My respect for Koga seems to rise alot after reading this part +W+)

The two started talking about “me” afterwards with Koga mentioning how “I’ve” pushed Rei’s coffin to the cafe, and turns out that was the same scenario that happened too later on when they saw “me” pushing the coffin with a sense of fierceness… (to the point that I’m giving out the aura of wanting to kill someone OAO”) The others gradually arrived too later on, and everyone went into the restaurant to have lunch~

Chapter 7

After a wonderful lunch, Chiaki got everyone’s feedback on how the food and venue is and seems like everyone is very satisfied with it! Thus it was decided that they’ll have the MV filming and Bonenkai on the same day at the same restaurant later on in the week.

Tetora was feeling that he lacks table manners as he expressed difficulty in choosing which utensils he should use. In the end, he copied from other diners and just use from outside to inside. (Good thinking there Tetora! *thumbs up*)

For Shinobu, everything seems to be new to him, from eating with people he doesn’t know too well, to eating at a restaurant~ (Seeing him so excited makes me just want to bring him out to enjoy all his “first times” exploring the real-life world~ <3)

Chiaki wanted to accompany “me” back to school as “I” still have things “I” need to settle there. Kaoru ended up tagging along too somehow, saying that it’s good that he gets some exercise after all the food. He made fun of being able to see “my” tummy though, which angered “me” (and even saying that fat girls have charms doesn’t work and even makes “me” angrier XD Why are you saying that Kaoru?! XDD) Chiaki is surprised that Kaoru is actually not in good condition (in dealing with girls) today as even Chiaki knows that talking about a girl’s weight is a NO-NO topic. (Kaoru you really should have known better, and here I thought you were an expert on girls… Orz)

Though Koga was worried that Kaoru is tagging along with “me”, but since Chiaki was there he thinks it’s okay to leave me in good hands. (If it’s just Kaoru and “me” Koga would stay and accompany me) In the end, Koga and Adonis decided to go walk around the streets together O.O” (How come that kind of sounds like a date suddenly? XD) Rei went back to sleep some more, and the Ryuseitai kids ended up all going over to Midori’s house (which was nearby) to hang out~ (I want to join them too~~ *Envy Envy*)

Chiaki, Kaoru and “me” finally arrived back at the school gate, but Chiaki stopped and doesn’t leave afterwards. Kaoru thought that Chiaki wanted to head into the school and tried to stop him, saying that students without school uniform aren’t allowed (since they can’t really prove that they are students from this school? … Isn’t there student ID?)

Turns out what Chiaki is staring at was a snowman outside the school gate. It seems to be missing something warm, so Chiaki ended up wrapping his own scarf around the snowman to keep it warm ^^ Kaoru actually compliments Chiaki, saying that he seems to be doing a good job being the justice side, which kinds of embarrassed Chiaki as he felt shy when he’s being complimented by his friend instead of him announcing himself ^///^

Kaoru wanted to go on a date with me as promised by me on “Howl” event. However, I seem to be very busy so there isn’t a chance to go on any dates… ^^;

Chapter 8

Finally, it’s the last day of the year~ Midori was glad that Chiaki actually arrived first this time so he doesn’t have to go through yet another trauma of talking awkwardly with his seniors, though Chiaki hoped that Midori would work hard to try to communicate better with others ^^

Midori is still quite good at dissing Chiaki though, saying that his stupid laughter would ruin the atmosphere of the restaurant (Ouch!)

UNDEAD was the first unit to start for the MV filming, everyone seems to be doing well though Rei questioned Koga’s motive for going all the way up to the audience during the filming, as it reminds him of a dinner show.

(Koga noticing Kaoru winking at “me” in the audience was quite funny as well, as “I” was waving excitedly back at him like how a parent would when visiting his/her child in class XD So Kaoru has become my son now? XDD)

Next up is Ryuseitai’s turn! As Chiaki was afraid that the members would get conscious and nervous because of the camera filming them, he suggested to them to look at the food they like while performing so that they would relax abit more.

Midori thinks it’s hard not to be conscious of the cameras when he already knew that they’re filming him, but during the performance, he started noticing Tetora is behaving much more relaxed and happy and wondered how he does that… until he found that he was staring at roast beef XDD But it’s good influence though since that leads to Midori being distracted from the cameras and noticing the omelettes instead +W+

Tetora is actually doing a good job leading both Midori and Shinobu during the filming, suggesting to them what they can all do together to make a fun performance using the plates ^^ (I can definitely feel that Tetora will make a great leader in the future~ +W+)

Chapter 9

Once the MV had finished its filming, it’s time for the Bonenkai party!

Koga started to reprimand Adonis for taking too much food since Adonis was afraid that someone is going to fight and snatch the food so he took alot to make sure he has enough XD (Poor Adonis, him fighting in the family for food with his sister must have given him such a strong trauma OAO”) When Koga told him that it’s a buffet so the food will be refilled if it runs low, Adonis thought he might have taken too much and wanted to return the meat back to the buffet table, shocking Koga (and me too… Returning food after you’ve taken it is a no-no, Adonis!) In the end, Koga was all too happy to teach Adonis some new table manners XD (Finally he has yet another chance to show his knowledge again XD)

Tetora is being appointed as the cameraman by Chiaki, and thus wanted to go around taking photos of the Ryuseitai members. He found Midori first, but Midori doesn’t really want his photo to be taken (since he said he already got taken alot during photo shoots =w=“), and instead wanted to blend into one into the wall. (Midori… stop trying disappearing acts TWT TWT~) He suggested to Tetora to go around taking photos of other members first, which leads to…

Them finding Adonis stuffing Shinobu with meat XD Shinobu started squealing that he doesn’t like meat that much and the amount of meat is too much for his liking that he won’t be able to finish it. Poor Shinobu, he does want to grow abit bigger and knows that in order to do that, he should eat alot more, but due to his small appetite, he can’t eat too much either D: (Personally I think that even if he eats alot, it’s not guaranteed that he’ll grow big and tall… Perhaps growing towards the horizontal direction is more possible ^^;…)

Continuing on from Shinobu, Chiaki can be found complaining to Kanata that he doesn’t want to eat eggplant when Kanata asked him to eat more vegetable XD (Chiaki and his dislike of eggplants XD)

Rei joined them and mentioned he was drinking a cocktail, which shocked both Chiaki and Kanata. Chiaki immediately puts up a front by saying no alcohol is allowed for people who are underaged (but Rei is not underage right…? How old is him anyway?), and was even prepared to fight him in order to stop him. Rei has to assure everyone that it was a non-alcoholic cocktail in the end to prevent himself from being punched XD

As it seems like everyone is busy, Tetora still thinks that it’s best to start taking photos of Midori first. Midori wanted to quickly get it over and done with by doing a simple “peace” sign to Tetora’s camera and wanted to slip away by saying “Bye Bye” already XD However, Tetora caught him back again and insisting that Midori needs to practice to get used to camera, and got him to take a “selfie/wefie” with him~ (So that’s how Tetora and Midori ended up with a photo together)

Epilogue

Kaoru ended up slipping away from the noisy party into the balcony area to get some peace and quiet, and “I” ended up joining him too as I was going on a break too.

Kaoru asked how was his performance today and was glad that “I’ve” praised him. Though for him getting praises from girls made him happy, he’s more grateful for the praises I had for him now since it’s from a producer’s point of view.

Since it’s almost towards that time that the third years are going to graduate, Kaoru talked about deciding his future, what he planned to do upon graduating. He mentioned about all his family’s kids will definitely go to university, but living like how his elder sisters and brothers… is not something he desires to be. But he quickly changed the subject, saying that he doesn’t want to be a downer and wanted to talk about something girls will like.

But that just makes “me” all shock and speechless, since “I” probably don’t really understand what he means. Knowing how naive “I” can be, Kaoru warned “me” not to be caught by bad guys, for example, someone like him XD (He said it’s hurtful yet he still nominated himself… Orz)

Kaoru talked about how much the relationship and distance between him and “me” had changed over the year, from initially “I” was always on guard towards him that seeing his face has “me” running away, to being able to talk like this face to face in close distance. However, he feels that “we” aren’t really friends yet, but he still felt happy about it since he thinks it’s best that “I’m” aware of him, though it still hurts if I dislike him.

Suddenly, it kind of switches into otome game mode (what am I saying, this is an otome game right? XD), where Kaoru started saying things like such “things” happening when a guy and girl are alone in the night, and asked to receive his reward for working hard… And the thing, “I’m” actually not rejecting his offer or resisting him O.O”

The mood got spoiled though, when Chiaki suddenly appeared while looking for us, and he got embarrassed since he’s caught in a similar situation again after what had happened in “Secret Acts” event. But somehow, even Chiaki sensed that something is off as what had happened is different from the atmosphere where I hugged Shinobu, as that was a heartwarming scene but this… doesn’t seems to be? OwO”

Chiaki wondered whether the two of us are in a relationship but felt the atmosphere was too embarrassing for him so he tried to excuse himself yet ended up bumping himself in the head XD (Poor Chiaki, he seems suddenly in a lost and confused mind upon “what” he has witnessed O.O”)

Kaoru teased Chiaki for panicking just like that and said it’ll be hard for him to get a girlfriend if he always panics over relationship skinship. (But Chiaki is very alright with skinship that’s not romantic relationships wise though…?) He even teased about the fact that Chiaki wanting a girlfriend making him a bento, to which Chiaki rebutted that’s his freedom onto what kind of dream scenario he wants, and got shy when he said he’s just very not used to such topics regarding romance. (Aww~~ Chiaki seems to have a shoujo heart but yet very naive about romance in general~ Guess he never actually think much about it when interacting with opposite genders? OwO)

Unfortunately, as Kaoru said, he and “I” aren’t in a relationship, and that he was only just showing “me” how he can be when he’s in serious mode, that he can eat “me” up if he wants to. (That sounds so…. sexually dangerous, Kaoru OAO”) “Me” realising danger, quickly hide behind Chiaki for safety, which reminds Kaoru of how it is like in the beginning again. He clarified that our relationship are just friends of friends, more like people who know each other but somehow it may drop to even below acquaintances after what Kaoru has did ^^;

In the end, all three of us decided to return to the party. But “I” ended up holding onto Kaoru’s hand, and feeling apologetic that “I’ve” made him seems like a bad guy again. Kaoru doesn’t mind it though and said it’s alright.

And… that’s the end?! No~~ Why does it end like this without letting me know what exactly did they do on the balcony? OAO” Now this will always remain as a mystery in my heart TAT TAT  My guess is since Chiaki said it’s similar to what he saw last time, I assumed it’s a hug? But most probably instead of “me” hugging Shinobu last time, it’s more like Kaoru hugging “me” romantically? I wished they would reveal what it is some time in the future, so bad of Happy Elements to let me get so curious~ >////<

As much I’m still pretty much quite neutral to Kaoru (felt abit attracted to him but he’s really the flirty type of guy that I usually stay far far away from too ^^;), but this scene, really gives the feel that Ensemble Stars can be an otome game~ <3 (I do want to date all the members +W+)

Chiaki is really cute there with his otome side showing, and how “unlucky” for him to see such scenarios twice… Are they trying to get his jealousy side revealed or make him realised that he has feelings for “me” or something? XD (Cause’ sometimes that happens in otome games/shoujo manga)

All the members from both Ryuseitai and UNDEAD are cute and fun~ I do find myself quite fond of UNDEAD’s interactions with each other so with Ryuseitai, it’s double the fun for me to read all about them~ Really really really enjoyed this story for a number of reasons~ <3

PS: All that’s sad for me is I have no cards this time to show because I didn’t get any 4* card this time~ TWT TWT Maybe next time, when I try for the revival events when this gets posted up there~

[excellynt]

MVSans - Those inevitable delays (v1.2.25dev available)

Well, it’s that time finally. As I suspected, not finishing the Papyrus phone call for v1.3.3 is what held me back from releasing this weekend. Combination of IRL getting busy, stuff being harder to implement than anticipated, and getting distracted by less important tasks, like setting up a Twitch account and getting sound to work... but I digress. 

If you don’t already have MVSans, can download him here. 

Due to IRL getting a lot busier I won’t be able to stick to my rigorous schedule of a new 0.0.1 version every week. I’m not losing steam though!! 

Part of why I’ve been able to consistently churn out so much content these last 2½ months is setting tiny attainable goals (and numbering them), so I don’t stall out on development. And now I recognize my weekly goals can’t be met so I gotta adapt instead of setting myself up to let both myself and you guys down. 

What to Expect

Instead of weekly releases of polished content, it’ll be every 2-3 weeks, with lots of dev builds in between. Polished builds are numbered with a total of 3 digits, like v1.3.2 while Dev builds are numbered like v1.3.25 and may have issues being worked out with newer content. If I release a Stable dev build I’ll announce it on here and update the downloadable .nars as well, but Dev builds are uploaded so my lovely bug testers on Discord can test stuff for me. :) 

When you download a dev build thru Network Update, you’ll receive a warning like this. If he just says the first line, it’s definitely a Stable build and there’s nothing to worry about. 

If you don’t wanna run into bugs, just avoid the content listed in the DevNote. If you want to help with testing, shoot me a report via any of the contact methods in Reports under Functions menu. I’m leaning on my Ghost Dev Discord community these days to help find errors and feedback, since at this point the range of variables is so huge I can’t possibly test every situation on my own. 

Between 4 shells (3 AUs, 2 dialects), 16 dominant and secondary Player Trait combinations, plus 10 intervals of relationship progression, secret modes with bonus content, and various emotional states of Sans, all of these overlapping... yeah. I can’t do it alone anymore and I’ve got some fantastic people using their free time to back me up. :) So shout outs to StarscreamGirl and Korofel in particular! 

And sooo many people have sent in User Reports. 

THANK YOUUUU!!!

(more under the cut)

It might look like just a mess of numbers to you, but it tells me a lot about what people like about MVSans and I have actually made changes and reprioritized features based on what I learn from them. For example, an overwhelming majority of reports are using Underfell shell (80%+), and so I’ve started treating him as the default state I do testing in, to ensure his AU-specific content gets polished first since it’s what most people are gonna see. 

Direct user feedback is important, too. I had the curious paradox of several people requesting more Self-Care features, despite the reports saying virtually no one used the self-care dialogues that have been in place since the beginning. So I looked at ways to make those dialogues more user-friendly. I added consistent formatting and buttons to streamline repeated use, like the Knock-knock jokes. Taking it a step further, I figured out how to use the SSP music functions so UT OST The Choice plays uninterrupted whenever you’re on the self-care dialogues/menu. (AND LET ME TELL YOU IT WAS A BITCH OF HOURS TO GET IT WORKING RIGHT. JUST ME, GOOGLE TRANSLATE, AND INCORRECT SYNTAX DOCUMENTATION ON JAPANESE SITES) Definitely helps with the mood and inspired me to modify+add more dialogue in there too. :D And the most recent user reports indicate people have started using them! And people tell me how nice he is!! YAY!!! 

(again, thanks to @huskalis​ for the core of those self-care dialogues, part of their geno sans ghost) 

I needed to get those audio features working for the sake of the phone calls I’m implementing now anyway, but that’s how the Valentine’s update came about in time for Valentine’s Day. 

Backtracking: one more thing, also from user reports and feedback... I was gonna release JUST the first Papyrus phone call this weekend, but, spoilers: you receive the phone call from Papyrus randomly in Interval 1. Sans’ battery is dead until Interval 2 (he conveniently forgets to charge it until he trusts you) but without further progression, Sans stays pissy with you until I update again which is kind of a sour note to leave people on for a few weeks. Thus, I’m also pushing the update to include reconciliation with Sans and access to random phone calls to Papyrus, since by the user reports, a lot of people are already beyond interval 2 and Sans should trust them by now. I’ll be pulling most of the random/filler phone calls straight from the game so it won’t delay me much more to include that in version 1.3.3 :D

Anyway, I’m rambling a bit here. But I kinda wanted to share how this project is more than just a programming challenge or cute skele development; I’m challenging myself to accurately gauge my abilities and limitations, including realizing when I need help, so I don’t fall into the mental traps of a lot of creators end up in. That all-consuming anxious guilt about letting the teammates/readers/users/followers down... Been down that road before and I’ve had enough thank you very much. :D 

Sooo to break out the Undertale cliches, know that every time I’ve added enough to warrant a new dev version to archive... seeing the version number goes up... It fills me with determination. 

And I’m going to Stay Determined cause I haven’t lost a lick of passion for this project since the start, and anyone who knows me, I won’t shut up about him LOL. NOT EVER.