#one I forgot to add Bad For Business and Fall To Pieces lol

[piperslovebot]

My J/H playlist

[nagito-kissmaeda]

Yandere Komaeda Headcanons submitted by Chaos under the cut (y) Warnings: Slight nsfw, yandere behavior, stalking, mention of suicide, masturbation (not very explicit.)

Yandere Nagito probably wasn't very Yandere before you came along. The unlucky boy was probably still the funky little creep to his classmates as always but as soon as you step through the doorway of 77-B's classroom then he kind of just thought, "Oh, they're pretty." And continued with his day. He didn't think too much of you.

If you were an ultimate who walked into the classroom, he wouldn't have thought much of it besides the idea that "YoU wErE sPrEaDiNg HoPe 😩"

If you were a reserve course student, on the other hand, he would think he is slightly superior. So, if you talk to him he'll feel like he's better than you but won't say anything except under certain circumstances (ex: You ask him for his opinion of you, his opinion on reserve course, that kind of stuff. At least, he's honest :/) But keep in mind, he only really acts like this when you two first meet.

After getting to form a friendship with you (however that happened, I'll leave that up to you), his crush on you takes shape quickly.

He mostly just did small stuff that made it obvious that he liked you (whether he realized it or not.) If you weren't around he'd be asking everyone in sight if they knew where you were. He'd linger uncomfortably close to you whenever you two were together. The unlucky boy also tended to...✨follow✨ you.

Bestie, run while you still can 🏃‍♀️💨 because after he kidnaps you you're gonna be more like ♿

(I guess that's assuming you can run at all...sorry if I offended someone ._.)

When you two are hanging out, he eventually opens up to you about his illnesses and past. All of what he told you would probably be a lot to process so the only thing you can think of besides, "I'm so sorry that happened to you," is that you just hug him. Now he's shocked. You're both shocked. wOAH! Nagito doesn't move at all during the hug and probably forgot to breathe because c'mon...homie hasn't received any form of physical affection for God knows how long. He's drawing a total blank and the first words that spring to his mind are, "I'm going to marry them."

You cannot tell me this man doesn't want to get married one day. Yes, his luck sucks fat juicy butt but it's just something he craves and can be selfish about. Nagito's opinion on his want for having a spouse goes back and forth, like how the fitness gram pacer test works (I bet some of you don't even know that this is something outside of a meme lol.) He probably got this desire from seeing how bad his parents' relationship was.

Nerdy headcanon stuff you don't have to read: So, it isn't canon that his parents had a bad relationship but I imagine that they did because Nagito mentions that his mom had never complimented him and he gained a massive inheritance after his family's death. Let me explain my logic on those. Nagito's mom probably never complimented him because she didn't like or want him. I also headcanon that his parents were in an arranged marriage which is why they were so rich and why I think they had a bad relationship, because let's be honest, not all arranged couples are comfortable with one another. The arranged marriage also could've been the reason why his family was wealthy, it could have had to do with business and work. So to wrap it all up, Nagito's parents are rich because of an arranged marriage and they don't really like each other and they had a kid that neither of them wanted so now it's a broken family with a fucked up kid. I know that sounds like a stretch but that's why it's a headcanon and not actually canon lol.

After that one hug, that's when he truly sees you as some sort of ethereal Deity that he was sure he was going to wed in the future (Hell, he'd probably settle for right there, right now.) He no longer cared if you were an ultimate or not because now he saw you as something even greater. Of course, he still views himself as scum but even scum has desires that they are willing to do anything for.

After Nagito had come back to his dorm, the realization hit him that if he was going to marry you, he would have to be worthy of your hand in marriage. So, he prepares. By that I mean he starts stalking you a lot.

You two were already friends on social media so you probably didn’t dwell too much on it when you found him accidentally liking old posts. He’d go on your socials and scroll through it looking for every little bit of information he could find on you. Sometimes he'd strike gold and other times he'd dig up dirt. Nagito began talking to you a lot more so he could gain some information on your likes and dislikes. You only assumed that he was more comfortable with talking to you now because he confided his troubles in you but in reality he was planning your future life with him. Once in a while you'd invite to your dorm whether it was for hangouts, study sessions, or just sleepovers (he absolutely LOVED it when you brought those up.) The only opening he had to steal stuff is when you went to the bathroom and when that happened all he'd do every single time is go to the closet, grab another one of the pillow cases that the dorm provides, and switch them out with your current ones. When the pillowcase stops smelling like you then he just sticks it in the school's laundry basket where things like bed sheets, pillow cases, and blankets that belong to the school go.

After weeks after weeks of obtaining bits and pieces of information on you such as food you like and dislike, what your family is like (If you/your oc has one), your favorite movies, music genres, and clothing, etc., He eventually realized that he lacked three more things. Romance, experience, and…"performance."

The one thing he absolutely needed to learn first was "How to kiss." Even though no one sees his search history besides him, it was still very  embarrassing to put those words on his computer. He typed those three letters into the google machine and ta-da! A wikihow page and a YouTube video were apparently his best options. He opted for the latter and watched as a lady and her boyfriend demonstrated how to perform different types of kisses. Intimate and sexual. He feels awkward just watching this and he feels like he should practice but...on what? Luckily for him, there is a perfectly good pillow lying on his bed.

...This was definitely weird. His chapped lips were pressed against the plush pillow as he imagined he was french kissing you. This doesn't seem like the greatest method but Nagito doesn't seem to have any other choice.

The pillow in front of me was wrinkled and slightly wet from where I had last kissed it. It felt beyond awkward to kiss a pillow and imagine it was your future partner. I couldn't imagine them walking in on me as my face was buried in a pillow while moaning out muffled noises. It would be far too embarrassing but, I've faced worse. Practice should continue or else my mouth will never come as even a fraction of pleasure to my love. I approach the pillow and lay, stomach down, on my bed again. While this has been an awkward situation, my insides are starting to feel like they're on fire! It's probably just the thought of Y/N floating around in my brain. I take a deep breath before cupping my hands at the corners of the pillow and diving my mouth towards the pillow once more. I start off with a short kiss but continuously start moving my lips against, what I imagine to be, their lips. I move my bottom lip more often than my top. Imagining I'm trapping their lips against mine. Just the thought of trapping them makes me grind my hips against the mattress a little. Even though I'm soft I still let out a little whimper. Does Y/N even like it when their partner makes noise? I wasn't able to find any information on what she likes in bed so...with my luck, I'll just leave it to chance. My kisses get more sloppy and desperate. I begin swiping and swirling my tongue against the pillow thinking about just what it might feel like to make out with them. Their hot, wet mouth pressing up against mine while our tongues rub against one another in an attempt to touch each other. I moan seemingly too loud at that thought and start humping the bed. Everything feels so hot.

Maybe combining kissing practice and "performance" practice would be a good idea.

Once he starts performance practice, his browser is constantly on sex related websites. But more on the education side...he wants to know how to make you feel good and how to make himself last longer. Once in a while, he does go on the hub though so he can pretend it's you and him having sex on the screen. He tries his best to look for ones where it sounds like you or looks like you. He prefers the ones where it sounds like you so that way he could just close his eyes and imagine you and him are together. 

Just a random bonus I thought I'd add in: He got a boner during class once and sat there for like ten minutes just waiting for it to go away. So he just ended up palming himself through his pants and struggled to not make any noise. He liked to imagine you were under the desk pressing your face against his clothed crotch and just rubbing your face around that area. Luckily, he came without letting a single noise slip past his lips. Unluckily, Nagito cums a lot. So everyone could see the enormous wet spot on the crotch of his pants when class was dismissed.

He happens to have a weird habit of doing domestic and soft things with a hint of creepy. For example, one of his favorite things to do as of recently is print out a picture that has your face in it, tape it to his pillow, and fall asleep cuddling it. This sounds fine if you two were dating but… you aren't. He'll give it kisses, cuddle with it, fall asleep with it, and, of course, it's what he uses during his performance practice. He also enjoys eating meals with it and watching movies while cuddling it too. He perceives it all as practice for when you two are wed.

I'm going to assume you aren't an oblivious idiot and just say that you probably began to notice how weird he'd get around you. You tried distancing yourself a little bit but enough to still stay friends. He noticed the change in how often you'd hang out with him and his anxiety skyrocketed. Nagito would feel he had only a couple choices left. And that was to kidnap you, get rid of any obstacles that didn't allow him to spend every waking moment with you, or just flat out kill you so that way no one could have you. He already knew he wouldn't be able to even breathe without you so he'd likely kill himself as well in the process.

Author's Note: I'll probably be discontinuing that one Nagito x reader chapter 2 because I wasn't able to finish it before the school year started and I was just dissatisfied with the chapters BUT! I do have plenty of headcanons on yandere Komaeda! Message me if you want some far more nsfw headcanons because I have a lot for this guy.  I'm also very open to crackfic oneshots.

[kuiinncedes]

PROMPT LIST? cheerio!tina & skank!quinn, angst #37, quinntina ofc

yes prompt list!! sorry this took so long, thanks sm for prompting sim <33

some pre-notes: first that wow this got long again 😂 2398 words (before probably some edits in the tumblr post editor) *oops i did it again*

1 2 3 these are my other three (very short) “installments” for this “verse” i guess 🤪 i wouldn’t say it’s required to read them tho i think everything is pretty understandable 🥰

this also got a little anti rachel lol 🥴 and anti schue but like yeah and i think that’s it 😗

Angst 37: “Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.”

--

Glee club has been going well… all things considered.

Including the fact that Quinn’s crush on Tina only grows, that Rachel Berry still doesn’t seem to warm up to her and Kurt’s presence in the choir room, that the teacher really kind of sucks and apparently only Kurt and Quinn see it, that most of the other members are still wary around them - around Quinn.

But not Tina. Tina, who’s one of the most popular girls in school, not actually head of the Cheerios but probably the most well-liked, and there’s a reason. Tina is the first to welcome her and Kurt to the glee club after their audition, the first to make an effort to befriend them. She talks to Kurt about fashion, and Kurt is hesitant to bring down his facade but Quinn can tell how much he loves it, how much he’s missed talking about something that brings him so much joy. Even with his temporary and purposely limited wardrobe situation, he’s talked Quinn’s ear off about the things he wants to do and wear in New York City; she doesn’t understand much of it so she’s glad Tina does.

And she talks to Quinn. Tina actually talks to Quinn like… like she’s a person, just another student at this school, not Quinn Fabray, half of the most cold and closed-off duo that walks the halls, ex-most popular girl in school, Quinn Fabray with an unspeakable history, unspeakable in that Quinn will have consequences for those who speak about it. 

It’s dramatic, she knows. But it’s part of her untouchable image at this piece of shit school with its horrible students. 

Not Tina. Tina’s not horrible.

(Get a grip, Fabray.)

It feels like she and Kurt are on the edge of a precipice with glee club. Tina likes them, Blaine is nice enough to them (Kurt seems to like him, too), Rachel isn’t very welcoming, everyone else mostly ignores them. (Which is fine - preferable, really.)

They sway in the back, they sing, they do their part. And Quinn has missed singing, so it’s not all bad, she supposes.

But Quinn can feel the tension, the others’ hesitation whenever she and Kurt walk in to sit in the back, their unspoken thoughts, loud in their silence, their barely hidden glances.

She feels like she’ll tumble from the edge with one push.

One day, Tina sits beside Quinn and she can’t stop her jump of surprise. Tina just shoots her a small smile and moves her chair a bit further away, but Quinn finds herself wishing she would scoot the other way instead.

Tina keeps sitting by Quinn, and Quinn has no idea why.

She ignores the way her heart speeds up a little every time she makes eye contact with Tina, the way Kurt smirks knowingly at her but then returns to staring at the back of Blaine Anderson’s head, the way she can’t stop letting her eyes wander over to Tina every time Mr. Schuester starts talking about something she has no interest in (which she admits is very often).

Kurt had said glee would give her the chance to talk to Tina. And he was right - she’s made conversation with Tina multiple times (mostly initiated by Tina, though), and she would say they’re friends. Tina has said they’re friends and she definitely didn’t freak out to Kurt about it.

Kurt she called me her friend holy shit -

Inside voice, honey. Your gay is showing.

Shut - we’re literally outside. Let’s talk about you and Blaine.

Nope, fuck you, walking away now.

Kurt - wait! She - but she called me her friend - Kurt -

Besides Kurt, Tina is probably the person she’s closest with. Which still doesn’t say much - she’s not close to anyone besides Kurt…

But she wants to be, she thinks as she watches Tina perform an upbeat solo, a song she doesn’t recognize, but she watches her - how alive she looks, how good she sounds. It’s not like Quinn hasn’t heard her sing in the months since she’s joined, but if she had it her way, Tina would be the only one singing in this entire group. (She would insist on highlighting others, though, so Quinn adds herself and Kurt to that list. Not that they would ever get a solo.)

“All right, guys,” Mr. Schuester says. Kurt nudges Quinn with his elbow to get her to pay attention, and she shoots him a half-hearted glare. 

“So that was everyone who signed up to audition for a solo at regionals,” he continues. “I’ll let you know who we’re featuring by tomorrow. So I’ll see you then!”

“Who do you think is gonna get it?” Kurt asks as they leave, walking out to the parking lot. 

“Um…” 

“Right, I forgot, you’re too busy staring at Tina to know what’s going on in glee.”

Quinn scoffs. “I know what’s going on in glee.”

Kurt gives her a questioning look.

“I do! Sure, I didn’t know about the auditions, but I know Rachel’s probably getting the solo, even though it should go to Tina.”

“Anyone could tell you that.”

Quinn shoves Kurt lightly, a smile spreading across her face as they get into his car. Quinn’s been spending more time at Kurt’s lately - Quinn’s parents don’t give a fuck about her - they did the bare minimum allowing her to stay when she was pregnant and they’ve used up all their good parenting cards, it seems. She’s infinitely grateful for Burt Hummel, because if the kids and some of the teachers at school are going to treat her and Kurt like shit, at least there’s someone in their corner.

-

Completely unsurprisingly, Mr. Schuester announces Rachel as the soloist for regionals the next day, after years of the same thing, from what Quinn has heard.

Surprisingly, Tina isn’t in the room. Although, Quinn thinks, she wouldn’t be either if she knew what the outcome was going to be. And everyone knew what the outcome was going to be.

But Mercedes pushes back against his decision anyway, Santana complains, Blaine and Brittany try to placate, Kurt watches Blaine, Rachel jabbers about her destiny as the New Directions soloist or something, Quinn sits and wonders about the empty chair next to her. (She also wonders what would be the easiest way to get Rachel to shut the fuck up.)

She’s not paying attention, letting everyone’s arguing fade into the background. She barely registers Rachel saying shrilly, “We’re supposed to be a family!”

“Not much of a family when you’re the only one who can have anything good!” Mercedes snaps.

“I bet you wouldn’t react like this if Kurt or Quinn got the solo! Like they would even deserve it! At least I belong here, they don’t even - ”

“Would you shut - ” Mercedes starts at the same time Santana yells back, “Quinn doesn’t need a family, she’s a mother!”

And she knows - Quinn knows - that Santana just does this, she says shit and hurts people and this is just that and it’s whatever but -

Suddenly Quinn is in sophomore year again, hearing the taunts of her classmates behind her back and to her face. Suddenly she’s in sophomore year again, somehow invisible in the halls but also the only person anyone was looking at, pointing at, laughing at. She’s in sophomore year again and teachers do nothing to help her, no one but Kurt bothers to notice anything but the fact that she’s pregnant. And they laugh, and they taunt, and they stare.

She’s a mother. 

There it is. There’s the edge of the cliff that she has been fighting for balance on in this stupid club for months. 

Like they would even deserve it.

They don’t belong here.

And Quinn’s falling.

“I need to go, meet you at your car,” she says roughly to Kurt, who it seems hasn’t been paying attention at all, more focused on committing to memory the details of Blaine Anderson from halfway across the room. Quinn storms out and the arguing continues behind her.

Quinn slams the door to the bathroom as she barges in and all at once, sees that Tina is here (Tina is here?), realizes that she herself is crying, trying not to make noise and she just throws her bag on the floor and sinks down against a wall, hands around her knees and head leaned back. It’s too fucking much.

“Quinn?” Tina asks gently, so gently and Quinn watches as Tina kneels down in front of her. “Are you okay?”

Quinn wipes at her face, laughing harshly. “Yeah. Fine.”

Tina looks at her, not moving but just watching her. Quinn thinks it must be uncomfortable for her to kneel on the bathroom floor in her Cheerios outfit. Quinn thinks that Tina shouldn’t care about her, she should just leave, save her knees from the cold tile.

She doesn’t leave. 

After a moment, Tina says, “Hey, so, you don’t have to tell me anything… but I’m here if you need to.”

Quinn’s not actively crying anymore, grey smudges on her fingers where her makeup was wiped off. Her face probably looks like a nightmare, but she’s too exhausted to care. She leans her head back again and fixes her gaze just above Tina’s head, at the ceiling, the harsh bathroom lights piercing her vision through the tears in her eyes.

“I just - ” I guess I’m talking, she thinks, “Santana said something dumb about me being a mother and that’s what I heard sneered at me every day for months and even now still… and I’m not…”

Quinn trails off, looking at Tina again who nods, encouraging her to continue. She swallows and averts her gaze again.

“…and Rachel said something dumb about Kurt and I not belonging and not deserving it but she’s Rachel and I don’t care about the shit she says - I usually don’t. But her saying that - ” she scoffs. “Newsflash, Rachel, we don’t fucking belong anywhere.”

That was painfully made obvious sophomore year, with Quinn’s exit from the Cheerios, from popularity. It was obvious when no matter what, she couldn’t get it back, any of it. It was obvious when she and Kurt were the only ones to really notice each other and help each other. It was obvious when the only choice they had, the one they took, was becoming this and isolating themselves. It was obvious when the only chance they had was each other.

As if she needs someone else to tell her that, to rub it in.

It’s been building up, she realizes, this feeling, the hatred, the estrangement and isolation. She wonders if Kurt feels the same, how close he is to the edge, or if he’s even on a precipice like she is at all.

Quinn’s falling, she doesn’t know when or how it will end and she just wants -

“Lie to me,” she says to Tina, teeth clenched and voice tired. “I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.”

Falling, falling, falling - 

Quinn thinks bitterly that she should be used to it after her falls from popularity.

Tina takes her hands gently and squeezes them in reassurance. “I know this might just seem like words, and I’m not lying - you do belong. Both of you. You belong in glee club. You belong here.”

Quinn just swallows again, letting the words wash over her, and in the back of her mind, the part that’s not thinking about - everything, she marvels at the fact that Tina is holding her hands, and Tina’s skin is soft, and Tina’s words and actions feel genuine.

Falling… slowing.

Lie to me.

“We don’t belong. Everyone hates us,” Quinn mutters.

“I don’t,” Tina says, smiling a little. “I know we can be pretty difficult, the glee club, but we really don’t think that. Rachel might - if I’m being honest, I think she’s the one who doesn’t belong in glee club, for a multitude of reasons - but it really is supposed to be a safe, welcoming space. I’m really sorry we haven’t been able to do that for you.”

Quinn shrugs. “You have,” she admits softly. 

Tina looks like she doesn’t know what to say to that. Quinn pushes herself up against the wall, a little awkwardly, hands still intertwined with Tina’s, who squeezes again. “I’ll talk to her,” Tina says. “Rachel. I’ve been getting fed up with her shit, anyway. I’ve been needing to talk to her.”

“Okay,” is all Quinn can think to say, quietly uttered, her voice a little choked. “You don’t have to - ”

“No, I do,” Tina says. “And I want to. Mr. Schue lets her get away with way too much.”

Quinn huffs a laugh and Tina grins slightly, then withdraws her hands and pulls them through her ponytail, suddenly looking almost nervous. Quinn drops her hands in her lap and plays with her rings. Now that Quinn’s calmed down, her proximity-to-Tina-Cohen-Chang-induced nerves are back in full force. 

And maybe she isn’t falling anymore.

“Why weren’t you there today?” she asks after a moment.

Tina’s lips clench into a line. “Knew Rachel was getting the solo. I don’t know, I didn’t want to deal with that today, you know? Three years of the same shit, I’m just tired of it.”

Quinn hums in understanding. She can imagine.

“Are you okay? What do you say we… get out of here? Go somewhere?” Tina asks a little awkwardly, wincing slightly as she stands up and extends a hand for Quinn. She takes it and lets Tina pull her up.

“I’m actually… going home with Kurt, ” - but going somewhere with Tina - Kurt will understand - “actually, yeah, sure. I’ll let him know,” Quinn answers, not letting herself doubt the decision, pulling her phone from her pocket and quickly typing out a text and sending it to Kurt, who immediately responds.

omg did u actually talk and get a date with tina cohen chang

Quinn replies, fuck you, i’m leaving bye

are you okay?

yeah, fine i’ll talk to you later

ok have fun on your date ;)

yeah 🖕

Tina bounces a little and shoots her a smile when she puts her phone away. “Awesome. There’s this coffee shop that I think you’ll love - ”

“It’s not the Lima Bean, is it?”

Tina laughs. “Of course not. Barely anyone knows about this place, at least from school, so I really love it there.”

Tina grabs Quinn’s hand again and they head out of the school, Quinn ignoring how she can feel her pounding heartbeat against Tina’s skin. Hopefully Tina doesn’t notice.

*****

some notes for after 🤪

ok so i don’t really know why i used the “she’s a mother” line and idk if i’m just overthinking it but i’m not saying that scene was bad or anything ?? idk lol it was just on my mind i guess so i put it in slkdgfj (basically,, not related to the canon scene lol i just like adding canon lines 😗)

i think the point i was trying to make if any was that quinn doesn’t really have any family (in this au) so yeah it’s kind of a sensitive point

i did say this was very similar to my previous werewolf!quinn and vampire!tina fic but i’m okay with it now tbh,,, you know like it’s an alternate universe and they just help each other in all universes :’) yeah

i would love to continue this but i don’t have the best track record with that lol so we’ll see 😂

[terminalchaos]

Hiya!

I thought for my second post, I’d do a bit about my symptoms and what lead me to getting my diagnosis. Obviously it’s different for everyone, and I got extremely lucky. So bare that in mind! Warning: I get a bit sweary in this one. I have a lot of feelings about it.

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The city I live in, Melbourne, is officially the most locked-down city in the world in relation to COVID-19. After what has been a fucking exhausting few years, we are well and truly over it at this point. But what I didn’t realise going into the first lockdown (last year at some point) was how much I would suffer, and how badly this whole crock of absolute bullshite would affect me. 

Last year in the first lockdown, I was a full-time university student, working as a medical transcriber and at an acting studio, facilitating workshops with directors, casting directors, etc. This was fine for about 2 weeks. Then everything started to fall apart, very slowly. I stopped going to my lectures and my tutorials. I started asking for extensions, more and more often. I had always been a last-minute student, starting essays on the day they were due, with about 3-5 hours set aside to sit and do the whole thing. Throughout school I do not think I did a single bit of homework on time, unless it was something I genuinely wanted to do. I often just didn’t do it, copped a detention, and moved on with my life. 

This is extremely aggravating to me now, seeing that I was around hundreds of educated adults, and. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One. Either knew I was displaying symptoms of ADHD, or cared enough to try and help me. I don’t know what’s worse. It was simply punish the bad student, who never did their homework, and never studied, and never revised, and always forgot the in-class tests, and always struggled with remembering things. So, I adjusted. I still never did my homework, but I stopped caring about classes. I was rude to teachers who were rude to me, and would snap back at any teacher who didn’t show me the same respect they expected from me.

I was so, so angry.

It was completely unfair. I didn’t know why I was the only person who couldn’t do these basic things, like getting my planner signed after every week. So I resorted back to the things society told me I was: stupid, incompetent, lazy. That lead to a not great mindset, which lasted from the ages of about 13-20. I still struggle with a lot of these things, but in different contexts.

Anyway, the ways I coped at school started to fall apart at university. And they really fell apart with lockdown. Being in my house for 23 hours a day, with incredibly stringent rules, meant my ADHD just pent up. I couldn’t do anything. Not even things I wanted to do, and the pressure of deadlines weren’t enough to prod my brain into action. I just couldn’t do anything.

I figured this wasn’t normal, and one day I saw a post on ADHD in AFAB people. I read through it, and it resonated with me. Odd, I don’t have excess energy. In fact, I would oversleep constantly. Often, 12 hours a night wasn’t enough for me, and I would fall asleep at 2am. Caffeine would put me to sleep! My partner at the time would be on my back about how much I slept, constantly. He didn’t understand my ADHD presentation, which is reasonable, because I didn’t either. He would get irritated because the second I got any money, I wouldn’t save it. I’d buy things. I’d constantly put on weight because I would buy sugary snacks whenever I could. I would say yes to anything that would give me a second of joy.

When you have ADHD, your dopamine is running on empty. So everything you do is to try and boost your dopamine. It leads to a lot of behaviours that people see as irresponsible and reckless, because they can be. But it’s because our brains are screaming out for dopamine hits, however big, however long lasting. Now I know this, and can stop myself before doing these dopamine-seeking behaviours (the medications obviously help).

Reading this post about ADHD, I didn’t immediately do a deep-dive of research. I forgot about it for a while. I remembered my mum telling me when I was young that I “probably had some form of ADD, or something like that” after I spilled my guts about something that had been on my mind. I would start talking, and not stop. More and more of these little pieces started clicking. Then, I started doing actual research. I can’t remember details because, y’know, ADHD. But these symptoms started making sense. Not being able to control my impulses? Check. I am obscenely impulsive. Not being able to keep relationships? Check. Half of my friends from school in England I wanted to keep in contact with, I had completely deserted. Memory issues, not being able to keep a routine, missing deadlines, having slightly “kooky” interests, hyperfocusing, the paralysis I would feel when there were so many things to do, and I just sat in bed for 6 hours doing nothing, not eating.

I sat and cried on my partner’s bed while he comforted me. I cried over the fact I had an answer. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t lazy. 

From there, I pursued a diagnosis. This was tricky: I tried three different clinics (one of which lost my referral 4 times! Shout out Alfred Road Clinic lol), and emailed different ADHD psychiatrists like crazy. I got no responses.

6 months after my initial referral, I cried to my family about how frustrating it was, knowing what was wrong with me, knowing there was treatment, but not being able to access it. Imagine how frustrating it is not being able to do anything, knowing there is a way to help, but not having access to it.

Eventually, a few strings were tugged, and I got an appointment in June 2021. July 2021, I was put on Vyvanse 30mg by my psychiatrist.

The first day I took my medication, I sat and did my Korean homework for 2 hours. Then, I sat and cried. I have never concentrated for 2 hours on demand like that.

I was furious, relieved, and incredibly sad for the 23 years I had lost, feeling like my body and mind were two separate entities. Having all these things I wanted to achieve, and achieving none. I learnt so many things were coping mechanisms I used to balance my ADHD brain: trying to be early as possible to avoid being late. Notes on my phone reminding me of everything I need to do. Double checking things three, four times.

All these things I wanted to try, and having tried none. Not being able to exercise as it made me sleepy and I never felt the benefits. Finding certain things unbearable for no reason. Getting in trouble for stupid things just because I couldn’t convince myself the dopamine payoff would be worth it. Having built nearly no skills as a young person because I had no direction. This was compounded by my want to achieve, but feeling that I couldn’t do anything, because this invisible barrier kept me in a snowglobe of my own shame and frustration. All because my stupid fucking brain was too busy trying to get hits of dopamine whenever and wherever it could. 

I thought about how my A Level results would have been different if any of the adults in my life had clocked this when I was 13.

I thought about the things I could have achieved if anyone had thought to investigate just a little further.

I still cry about these things. The me that was prevented from living by ADHD taunts me from another dimension. Cow.

I needed to start to get to know myself without the dopamine addict brain. What I want to achieve, what was now possible, and how to avoid feeling like I will never achieve anything I want to. My main goal is to start having 3 meals a day, something I have never, ever been able to sustainably do. I’m still working on this.

[sometimesiwriteangst]

I Don’t Want To Die (It’s Three AM)

Summary: Deceit’s struggling, and even if he wants to be helped, he can’t bring himself to do it.

It’s three am and Deceit is tired. He forgot his medication, and he regrets it. Or, he thinks he should. He should regret not taking it, because it makes the pain worse, makes the memories play on loop, makes him stop sleeping.

He doesn’t want to sleep though. His heart races, flashes of faces leaning over him cross his mind when he closes his eyes. His present is empty but his head won’t let him stop.

He wonders how the others would feel about his medication. The post it notes hiding and correcting the flaws in his art, the out of proportion eyes, the wonky hands, the bad perspective.

He glances at his sketchbook, feeling the urge to draw, to paint, create. He could show the twins, show them that he appreciates their work, show that they inspire him.

He reaches over, opens it slowly, glancing at the vibrant pastels, the dull grey marker, the incomplete works he abandoned last month.

The urge is there, but his hand shakes when he lifts the pen, and he changes his mind, throwing it aside and trying to sleep again.

It’s three am and Deceit is fed up of hearing Virgil next door, music still playing from the other resident insomniac. He can’t bring himself to cry when Virgil is so close by, in case he’s heard, in case his ex-friend comes to ask what’s wrong.

He holds his breath, rolls over and buries his head under a pillow, clenching and unclenching his fists, hissing quietly to himself that he needs to sleep, needs to rest, needs to keep going, for Thomas.

He doesn’t linger on what he means, closing his eyes and picturing smooth pixels on multiply, pastel painted dots below line art.

He falls asleep to the thought of what his art could be, and wakes up with the idea now distant in his head.

It’s three am and Remus is there, talking about things Deceit enjoys, whilst Deceit tries to be patient. Whilst he tries to tell himself that he should enjoy being with his friends, that it’s good to have company when he feels so low.

“Did you take your medication?” Remus asks suddenly, and Deceit shrugs.

“I think so,” he lies, knowing there’s six days of tablets he’s forgotten to take, too busy trying and failing to sleep to remember to take them. Too busy trying to live day to day.

“You should check-”

“I mean, I did,” he lies again, charcoal lines smudging, the black grinding harsh, sticking to his hands and bleeding slow, “don’t worry, I know I need to take them.”

Remus looks unconvinced, but Deceit smiles, shows him a warm colour palette, and Remus drops it, onto the next subject, unaware of how desperately Deceit just wants to be alone.

And it’s five am but he can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t make, can’t lie, but he’s tired and wonders what it’s like to destroy a piece of art in progress.

It’s three am and he doesn’t know why he’s looking at a cheery vision, a patchy impressionist painting reminiscent of Roman’s ideas.

“I’m Dr Emile Picani!” the fuzzy vision says with a grin, “I think Thomas is trying to design my character a bit more for the next Cartoon Therapy.”

Deceit blinks slowly. Right. Dr Picani the therapist. How ironic, coming across him in his current state.

“Can you actually help people?” he asks, unsure of how long the idea will be around for.

“I believe so! What do you need?”

“...I need...I need...”

Over saturated watercolours drip down the page.

“I need you to...to help me...stay alive...”

The idea looks confused, and Deceit continues, the empty vision the only thing he can say the words aloud to.

“Because...I don’t want to die.”

He thought when he said it (a truth, a lie, two inks bleeding together) it’d be loud and angry and distraught, tears and confessions and desperation. Deep slashes through layers of still drying oil.

But instead it’s simple, defeated, tired. Less oil built up on canvas, more scratches of biro on graph paper. Less Renaissance, more tired high school student.

The idea frowns, tilting it’s head and adjusting it’s glasses.

“Why would you die?” it asks, and Deceit doesn’t have a response.

He doesn’t want to die. He wants to die. He can’t die. He can fade. He wants to fade. He doesn’t want to fade. Framed prints behind glass behind velvet curtains.

“You should talk to someone more real than me,” the idea says softly, and Deceit shrugs.

“There’s nothing more real than us right now,” he replies, glancing around the empty room, and when he looks back the idea is gone.

Art is brief and fleeting, and his canvas bleeds, silvery watercolour dripping down unsuitable paper, leaving wrinkles in its wake.

It’s three am and his phone is beeping, one of the others asking him why he’s still online, ignoring the perfect irony. He regrets them knowing his tumblr account, regrets them seeing his trauma, seeing his pain laid out in perfect black and white photographs.

He reaches out, opens up the app, glances at Roman’s messages, sees the days of notifications he’s been ignoring.

U ok? Not seen you recently.

He wants to reach out, call for help, tell him he’s lonely and sad and hurting and god he doesn’t want to die, if only because he’s scared and Thomas needs him still.

I’m not doing so well, Roman. I really want to die.

He deletes the message, deciding not to send it. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable, paint so carefully laid out, still wet, still easy to smudge. He doesn’t want them to worry, he doesn’t want to admit to the pain, he doesn’t want to die but he doesn’t want to live.

Sorry, being antisocial lol. I’m fine. U?

He chucks his phone away and buries himself back under blankets, knowing he’s only postponing his final message.

It’s three am and he knows he’s messing up. He knows he needs to take his medication, needs to eat, needs to talk, tell people he’s struggling.

He forgets to talk Thomas out of thinking of his existential crisis, and Thomas is still awake, living proof that Deceit keeps failing even when all he has to do is his one job. Lie, keep lying, keep Thomas alive, healthy, keep him fighting.

Bristles fall out of brushes when you leave them in water long enough, and it damages the canvas, leaves bits of paintbrush in the art.

He looks to his sketchbook, gathering dust, and wonders what the point would be any more. He can’t complete anything, he has no skill. He’s not designed to create, not designed to be passionate, he’s designed to lie.

He can’t get rid of the faces, and he can’t sketch them out, show them simply to the others, can’t word them, the thoughts, the images, like an old worn out film on repeat.

“Sorry, Thomas,” he mumbles, and rolls over, trying to sleep.

It’s three am but Patton is sat with him, asking him why he won’t sleep, asking him why he looks so ill, asking him questions Deceit can’t answer, doesn’t want to answer.

“We’ll help you if you need anything,” the moral side tells him, and his eyes are so hopeful, dusky watercolours lined with ink, soft but sharp, “you know that, right?”

And oh, Deceit knows. He knows they’d help, wants to ask for the help, but he doesn’t, and he can’t explain why. He nods and lies his way out of the interrogation, getting Patton to leave, and tries to ignore the way his heart stings at his self imposed isolation.

His room is empty and devoid of the passion he thinks he could have. But it feels so full, full to the brink of long gone shadows, the past weighing in like a thick fog, clouding his head until he falls to the floor in silent tears, not daring to be loud, not daring to let Patton know how much it hurts.

He’s struggling, a shaky sketch doomed to be scrapped, and still all he knows is that he doesn’t want to die.

He doesn’t know what time it is, but the other sides have sat him down, firing questions at him. What is he doing, how is he doing, what does he need, why is he ignoring them?

“Don’t you want to get better?” Logan asks, as if it’s ever been that simple.

Deceit reaches for an answer, an explanation, hesitating between stubs of oil pastel and harsh messy chalk on black paper. But whatever he does, the piece is too abstract and surreal for an explanation to take form in his voice.

“Deceit, we don’t get why you’re doing this to yourself,” Virgil says, struggling with the words, as if Deceit knows any more than he does.

“We’re here to help,” Roman adds, “we just need to know how.”

The canvas is tearing at the seams. Deceit hates when his canvas’ tear. He can’t hide it, even with all the collage and mixed media in the world, watching it bend out of shape.

“I want to get better,” he says, a truth, drops of ink in calligraphy pens.

“Then tell us how we can help!” Patton pleads.

And Deceit shakes his head, head blurry and unsure of how to explain. He doesn’t know how, he doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t believe they can help push out the voices of the past.

(The sketch is still there underneath the line art.)

He doesn’t know what time it is, but he’s scared, and he doesn’t want to die.

“I could kill you,” the past taunts him, sly and low and echoing through his ears.

He doesn’t want to die any more than he did back then.

He doesn’t know what time it is, but he’s run out of colour, and you can only paint a canvas black for so long before you scrap it altogether.

[liliverse-ish]

Bʀᴇᴀᴋ Mʏ Hᴇᴀʀᴛ 🌙 pt. 6

~тaeнyυng х reader~ yoongι х reader ~ ~ ties 

~ prev ||  next

a/n: uhhh idk what this is tbh. its a bit of a mess. but ill post n e ways lol

requests are open

-----

Your days seemed to drag on for the rest of the week until Friday came. Usually throughout the day you had Tae either texting or facetiming you with random questions, or even showing up to your place just to be in your presence. But this time it’s like he’s avoiding you or he has better things to do than to update you on his daily adventures. Having too much pride, and lowkey insecure, you don’t reach out, you don’t want to feel annoying or clingy. 

The screen in front of you displays a marvel movie, wishing you had your best friend next to you because he loves superheroes and movie marathons. You were sat on your bed with a bowl of popcorn, candy, and a couple beers pre-gaming for the night. Normally people pregame with friends, but what are those? (lol jk). Yoongi was actually on his way to your place, he said you should show up together to catch everyone’s attention. It wouldn’t be a big deal because you were just friends but now everyone knew about your kiss and they were curious where it was leading to. 

You grabbed your nearly empty beer can and swallow whatever was left in one gulp. As you get up to throw it away theres a knock at your door and you make your way to open it for the one and only Min Yoongi. 

“Oppa!” You say as you open the door, raising your arms up.

He smiles and chuckles at your enthusiasm, “Babe!” 

“Ugh. It’s bad enough I blush through text over this little nickname, you had the audacity to say it in person,” you start walking to the trash can. 

“I like seeing the little pink in your cheeks when I fluster you,” He walks in and grabs one of your beers.

“Hey Hey! You’re driving, no more than 2 beers.”

He nods at you and he sits down, “So are you going in these little hello kitty pjs or.. are you going to change?” He stuffs his face with popcorn, “Personally the hello kitty speaks to me... she’s like family.” 

“Well Min Kitty, I can’t decide what to wear... I want it sexy but comfy.”

“Lets go to your room and see what you have. I’ll judge the sexiness and you can judge the comfiness.” 

You look around your closet trying to find some cute tops but you feel like everything is too boring and you want to catch Tae’s attention tonight. Yoongi sees your frustration and walks up to your closet and starts grabbing random pieces he sees. He lays them down on your bed and looks back at you almost like your mom would do when you were 5. You chuckle at him deciding what’s good and what isn’t. His hands reach up to a satin black dress with lace trim and he holds up to you with a gummy smile. 

“This one. The material makes it all sexy but because it’s not too tight you can still move around freely and have fun,” he winks, “I should be a stylist instead of a producer.”

You laugh and grab the dress and ask him to leave so you can finish getting ready. After adding accessories and makeup you walk out to not keep Yoongi waiting. As soon as he sees you, he gasps and compliments you as much as he can and smiles like an idiot. He grabs a hold of your hand and leads you out to his car. 

You arrive at Tae’s and you feel a slight bubbling in your stomach, you were excited to finally see your best friend and talk to him. Walking into the front door you see the usual scene from every party, couples scattered along the walls making out or dancing, groups taking shots and laughing, and your best friends in the kitchen talking. Holding Yoongi’s hand you walk to them to begin your little game and to have fun. 

“Mom and Dad!” you yell over the music and run to hug the new couple, Namjin.

“Hi sweetie. You look so good!” Jin says and winks. 

“Thank you Oppa,” you smile.

“Hi Bunny and Chims” you reach out to hug them.

“Taehyungiieeee opppa why have you been missing?” You say and try to hug him.

“Y/n-ie, I wasn’t I just got really busy and I forgot to text you,” He returns the hug but quickly going back to his position and scratching is head. 

You pout at him and grab a cup to begin your drinking. These boys always seem to make some sweet concoction of alcohol to get everyone drunk faster. This time it looked like fruit punch and a lot of vodka. Taking a sip you make a face of how bitter it was and Tae giggles.

“I made it this time. Jungkook usually adds more juice to hide the amount of alcohol but I drank the other fruit punch.” 

“Mmm. It’s not bad,” you smile and clink your plastic cup against his. 

You decide to stay by him and try to talk to him and see what comes from it. His lame excuse of being busy not being enough to dismiss his actions. You stood there talking into each others ear updating what has happened during the two days which doesn’t seem like much but you had gotten used to him so it felt like 2 weeks. You start to giggle at him telling you he bought 5 new ties to add to his collection and they’re all the same color but in different shades and different stitching patterns. 

Soon theres an arm wrapping around your wrist and you turn to see who it belongs to... its Yoongi oppa. You smile and go back to your conversation but Tae looks a little put off now and kind of seems to distance himself. 

“I thought you guys were just drinking buddies. Isn’t he being a bit too touchy?”

“Tae, he’s my friend. Anyone of the other guys could do it and it’s not a big deal.” 

“Yeah but he’s kissed you that one time and who knows how many other times that I haven’t seen.” 

“It was only once. It didn’t mean anything...” 

“hey want to go dance for a little. he seems a little jealous if i take you away he’ll get even more jealous,” Yoongi leans in to your ear.

The thought lingers your mind for a second because you’re not sure if it’s worth it. But he grabs your hand and nods over to where the make shift dance floor was and you let him lead you away from the kitchen. Turning your head to Tae’s direction you see him drink what was left off in his cup and start to pour himself more. 

---

Yoongi’s arm was tightly wrapped around your waist, his hips moved to the way yours did, allowing you to take the lead. You could feel his breath on the back of your ear as he moved your hair away from it and whispered to look to your left. There stood Tae all alone watching you as you danced with Yoongi. Your eyes meet up and you can’t but put on more of a show and get as close as possible to Yoongi. He senses your intentions and gently turns you to face him, his goofy grin on display as he winks letting you know he’s taking the lead now. 

You move your bodies along to the beat and start to move in closer. His eyes move from your eyes to your lips and he mouths “Can I kiss you?” to which you only nod your head in agreement. He leans down connecting your lips and it feels like two soft pillows against yours. It felt like you melted into him as you opened your lips slightly to deepen it. Still grinding up against each other the kiss seemed to get more sexual than you anticipated as you feel something hard near your stomach. He pulls away and looks down to his growing... problem. 

You giggle, “Seems like Oppa got really into it today..” 

“Shut up. I hate you. I’m going to go hide forever and possibly cry,” He pouted. 

“It’s okay Yoongi oppa. I’m getting tired let’s go back to the guys.” 

The little show you put on seemed to drive Tae away as he was no longer in his spot and instead with a really pretty girl. You couldn’t help but feel a little sting on your heart because nothing was working, your little plans didn’t do anything to him. He kept doing his thing and even trying to score his girl for the night. Yoongi held your hand and took you to where your friend group stood playing beer pong with each other and getting drunk off their asses. Hobi oppa was nearly falling on his ass every time his turn came up, Namjoon was too drunk to play and just holding onto Jin to keep his balance. You wanted to pay attention and enjoy the moment but your eyes kept searching for Tae. From a distance you saw the top of his head, the blonde hair very clearly standing out from the rest of the crowd.

He was laughing and had his arm around the girls shoulders, he seemed to be doing his usual flirting. He looks at her and at the stair case nodding his head up. He wants to bring her up already to his room and get it over with. You sigh and look back your friends. 

At this moment you could be a bad friend and cockblock, or you could be a good friend and let him get his dick wet. OOORRR you could eavesdrop until you break your heart hearing them have sex.

I mean I guess you’re down to hurt yourself because you start walking up to them seeing as they start going up the stairs. As they’re halfway up you stop at the bottom of the stair case wanting to give enough time to not get caught. Walking up, you feel your heart pounding. You almost convince yourself to let it be but you want to see it with your own eyes. In the last two years of knowing him, you’ve seen him talk up girls and have his fun with them but never settle for one. At first you didn’t care what he did, you had your fun too and had a couple hookups. But the more you got closer, the more you knew him for him, and not just a fuckboy, you realized he was amazing. Every beginning to a hookup you witnessed tugged at your heart but you ignored it as best as you could. It didn’t help that every single one of his adventures were told back to you in detail because you were his best friend and he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. 

You make your way up to his door to listen in on his conversation. Pressing your ear against the door you make sure not to make any noise. At first it’s all giggles and feet walking around his carpeted room but no sounds of kissing or sex. Weird, you thought. You thought a man like Tae would get right to it as fast as he could to get rid of the girl faster. 

“Oh! Do you wanna see my closet? I have these ties that are so cool,” you can hear his enthusiasm through the door

Oh god. Is this his game? you thought

“Sure. Let’s see them.” 

For a fuckboy he really a baby boy that needs love and attention.

“So this one is actually one of the favorites, I usually wear it when the temperature is just right... I call him 46,″ He says and you know just the tie he’s holding. Its a dark grey one with yellow stitching and a nice stripe pattern with other tones of grey, it’s the one he wears the sun is exactly 46 degrees to the left.

He’s such a dork. Ugh i love him. 

“What about this one Taehyungie...” She says with a bit of lust lingering in her voice. 

“Oh that’s the one I wear when... I’m about to have a lot of... fun.” 

“I guess you better put it on then..” 

Gross 

You step away from the door disgusted yet surprised at his lack of game. You make your way back down and look for Yoongi, you’re ready to leave. Almost as if he could read your mind he walks up to you. 

“Someone looks ready to leave.” 

“Oppa, I just heard Tae get a girl by talking about his ties... Is this how men are nowadays. Is this what I should prepare myself for in the future?” 

“If you want to be with him then, yes. But men nowadays are more straightforward; he’s a dork and a dumbass.” 

Yoongi and you get in his car and begin to drive off. Your thoughts run wild at how stupid you are to even listen in on his private moments but you couldn’t help but be an idiot and a bit nosey. 

[thehomierobbstark]

Teach Me Part 2

Part 1 Part 3

Pairing: Erik Killmonger x Reader [#TeamErikDon’tDateWhiteChicks]

A/N: This part of the story takes place before the first part and explores how x reader and Erik met. Prepare for a lil humor and sass. Also remember when I said I thought this might be 3 parts? yeah ignore that. we just going on a chapter by chapter basis now lol.

Warnings: Bad humor probably lmao

This is for all my lil cute ass black gorditas out there rockin back fat, belly rolls and thick ass thighs that touch!!  x Reader is always gon be black, chubby, and sassy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as the elevator doors opened, you stepped out onto the third floor and inhaled deeply, taking a moment to fill your lungs with the crisp air. It was rare when you had the chance to actually explore the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum even though you’d been working there for three months, so you wanted to savor the moment. Understandably, you were always stuck behind your desk on the first floor or constantly flitting from office to office, dropping off and picking up documents and statements from your coworkers. You never got to see much beyond the East wing of the building unless you were arriving to work or leaving from it, and you were pretty sure you were going to lose your goddamn mind if you memorized another detail of the front door without seeing something new.

So that’s why when Christianna, your office mate, asked if you wouldn’t mind taking the bi-annual expenditure report you’d both made up to the Directors’ meeting on the 3rd floor, you jumped at the chance. Literally. You jumped out of your chair, snatching the report out of her hands and all but ran out of the office, hearing the sound of her laughing fading behind you as you headed towards the elevator. You and Christianna had grown pretty close in the last three months you’d both been here, starting only a week apart from each other in the Accounting Department. So she knew you’d been eager to explore all that DC had to offer, including the Smithsonian’s Museums. She also knew you’d been just as eager to avoid seeing Chad from finance stop by to chat with you for what would be the fourth time that day.

You only had 15 minutes to spare before the Directors meeting ended and you could pass off the report, so you had to hurry. You really didn’t want to miss it.

Walking briskly, you made your way through the wide corridors of the museum, hugging the report closely to your chest so you could move quicker. It was surprisingly empty on the third floor, and there was no noise except the rhythmic clacking of your 3-inch suede booties against the marble floor. As you moved closer to the end of the hallway, your excitement grew as the view of the wide room before you started to open up. Reaching the end, you peeked out of the doorway to make sure both sides were clear before darting across the walkway, catching yourself on the railing with one hand and leaning your body against one of the tall pillars. Giddy already, you looked down over the railing and gasped, a wide smile forming across your face.

You saw tons of people mulling about on the first floor of the Rotunda, surrounding the information desks and the huge Elephant statue off-center.  Teams of kids and tourists were being led this way and that for tours of the exhibits. All the excited chatter happening below drifted right up to your ears, along with some loud laughter and screams you matched with two toddlers playing hide and seek around one of the pillars with their dads. You absolutely loved people watching, and this was the perfect time for it. Friday’s around noon were always one of the busiest, and it was so fun watching all the excitement unfold down on the first floor. Plus, it was beautiful. You were always interested in architecture, and though you didn’t know much about it, the layout of the room reminded you of old roman structures you’d seen in your high school history books. The autumn sun shined brightly through the rounded windows near the peak of the building, spilling beautifully out onto the floor below like a golden curtain.

You were so caught up in everything you didn’t notice that you were practically gaping around in awe. Unfortunately, this also meant you didn’t notice the tall figure that had managed to creep up and stand right next to you.

“First time here?”

“FUCK!” you yelped, jerking as your arms shoot to your chest to ease your pounding heart, the report falling to the floor in the process. You close your eyes and drop your head to take a few quick deep breaths to calm down, and hear what sounds like muffled laughter next to you. You mentally remind yourself to check your face to prevent from glaring at the sneaky motherfucker that just scared the shit out of you.

You fixed your mouth to irritatedly apologize for cursing when you look up. And up. This nigga was tall. 6 feet at the least. You were grateful you were wearing your heels, otherwise your 5’3.5” self would have been having neck problems looking at him given how close he was. (Yes those .5 inches matter. I can’t reach the top shelf let me be great XD)

You must have been gaping again, because his bearded mouth curled up into a slow smirk as he looked at you, and you swore you could see something glinting in his mouth for a second.

You didn’t know why his height had you looking at him like some star struck preteen. You’d been surrounded by tall people your whole life, so this wasn’t anything new. Granted, it probably had something to do with the incredibly gorgeous man that it was attached to, but you weren’t ready to admit that yet. This creepy jerk had just snuck up on you and made himself comfortable right next to you, as if thats where his ass belonged. So fuck him and his cute ass smile. And his smooth, hazelnut skin and pretty brown eyes.  And his- hol’ up. Were those diamond studs in both his ears? Oh my - Focus Y/N!

You cleared your throat as you tried to gather your thoughts, and hopefully some dignity, looking down as you smooth your hands over your peplum dress, spotting the report you’d dropped on the floor a second ago. You start to bend to pick it up but he beats you to it, swiping up the document and offering it to you.

“My bad. I ain’t mean to scare you like that.” he smiles fully, showing off his perfect teeth. This nigga got golds too? Wait a minute.

You accept it, meeting his eyes as you respond, trying to keep your smile small to keep from doing too much. “Thank you. And I apologize, I didn’t mean to curse.” You put your Karen voice on, because you were, after all, still at work, and you didn’t know this man like that.

Remembering his original question, you add, “And no, this isn’t my first time here. I work downstairs in the accounting department.”

Somehow he seems to smile even wider in an odd mixture of cocky and nonchalant.  Apparently he was happy with this new information, and you couldn’t help but feel slightly irritated. Whatever sensual cologne he was wearing was already starting to cloud your mind, and you really didn’t want to embarrass yourself in front of this man any more than you already had.

“Forreal? Well aye, maybe you can help me out. I’m lookin for one of the Directors, Dr. Wendy Butler? You know where I can find her?”

Hearing the name, your eyes go wide as you promptly snap back to your senses. You knew exactly where he could find her because she was the one you were supposed to be dropping the expenditure report off to. You’d been so busy staring at cute babies and this mans face that you completely forgot about it.

Checking your watch, you start moving off into the direction of the Directors’ meeting while calling over your shoulder, “Come with me! I’m going to see her right now!”

5 minutes to spare. Good. You didn’t want to risk being late when meeting with the Director, even if it was only for a few minutes, so you quickened your pace a little. Hearing the mans even strides behind you, you suddenly remembered the thin excuse for a thong you decided on wearing when you got dressed that morning, and your back stiffened a little. You could only imagine the view this man was getting of your unrestricted ass moving underneath your dress as you trotted through the corridor, and you mentally cringed. You knew you should have decided on the seamless briefs instead. Maybe thats why Chad from Finance kept coming around.

As if sensing your discomfort, he appeared beside you, bending his head to speak.

“You know, you movin pretty fast with them short legs you got.”

You glance over to him and see that damn smirk back up on his face as he focuses ahead.  Oh so he got jokes too? Okay.

“We can’t all cross the ocean in one stride,” you mutter under your breath. You were still a little pissed he’d interrupted your people watching, so you were being a little petty.

“What was that?” he raises both eyebrows, a look of humor hidden somewhere behind them.

“I said how do you know Dr. Butler?” That clearly wasn’t anywhere near what you’d said, but you dared him to call you on it. This man was getting far too comfortable for your liking, and you sensed that he was used to always getting his way by flashing that smile of his. You hoped to have that kind of power one day.

He bit his lip as if to bite back a laugh before answering. “I’m leadin the Wakandan Outreach Program here thats partnering with the museum. I’m here to go over the budget with Dr. Butler.”

The report. You looked down at it in your arms as the pieces clicked in your head. So that was why you and Christianna had been working overtime on the report all week. You’d both found it odd that you were drafting an expenditure report mid year, but figured it had been for an emergency since you’d rushed to complete it. So you had this guy to thank for that too. Great.

Finally reaching the conference room, you peeked through the window to check the status of the meeting so as not to interrupt. Everyone still looked heavily invested in the conversation, so you figured you still had a couple more minutes to spare. “We can wait here, she’ll be done in a second.” you speak.

You moved to lean against the wall, only to see him follow suit out the corner of your eye, settling in right next to you. What was with this guy and personal space?

You didn’t want to risk looking up at him and accidentally giving him a bitch face, so you just cocked your eyebrow and flipped through the pages of the report, fake checking it.

Feeling his eyes on you, you fidgeted and shifted your weight to your other foot, trying to discreetly scoot a few inches over. It wasn’t that you were scared or intimidated by him, but he had a strangely playful energy about him that you felt yourself slowly growing interested in.

You wanted to distance yourself from that feeling.

You were in a new city, at a new job, and at a new stage in your life. You wanted to be selfish. You didn’t want to involve somebody else in your new journey. Though, if you were being honest, you never really wanted to before either. You’d just gotten so used to being on your own up until then. You figured that maybe you just weren’t meant to find someone who…

Before you were able to get lost in your thoughts, the door to the conference room opened, and you stood up, fixing your posture into a presentable manner. As the Directors filed out of the room, you smiled warmly, greeting them while searching for Dr. Butler through the crowd. You noticed the man you came with was still leaned against the wall, looking unbothered by the change in company.

You started to call out for Dr. Butler when she found you first, walking up to you to and greeting you. “Y/N, a pleasure to see you, as always.” She smiled sweetly.

You returned the smile. “Likewise Dr. Butler. I have the report you requested,” you said, handing the paperwork over to her.  “And there’s a man here to see you-” you turned towards him only to find that he was, once again, standing right next to you.

He extended his hand to hers for a shake. “Erik Stevens ma’am. We spoke over the phone regarding the budget for the Wakandan Outreach Program?” So he had a Kyle voice too.

“Mr. Stevens! Glad to finally meet you. Look, I’m glad the both of you are here actually, I have to run down to the Ocean Exhibit and talk to security. Seems one of our Octopuses escaped again.” she laughs, rolling her eyes.

“So why don’t you go over the report together? Y/N here is one of our top Budgeting Analysts, so you’re in great hands. Take an extended lunch, on me.”

Before you can open your mouth to protest, she says her goodbyes and walks off down the hallway, taking two security guards and the report with her.

You blow a small breath before facing Mr. Stevens, seeing that slow smirk make its way onto his face.

“So,” he says, looking you up and down. “Where you tryna eat?”

Fucking octopuses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be honest yall was I whack af for calling his skin hazelnut 😂😂😂 I called myself trying to be different lmaooo.

Tag list: @wecanalldobetter​ @youreadthatright​ @stark-red19​ @groovybbyyy​ @killmongersgurl​ @stillheregayandabitch​ @nyctophiliaattacks

[surveysonfleek]

1211.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? sure. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled?   the last app i downloaded was that simpsons tapped out. i need to kill time lol. the last app i deleted was a business one. If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for?   rihanna, beyonce, rita ora. not sure who else. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out?   yes. it was fine, not a huge change. Right-handed or left-handed? right-handed.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?   just a boring iphone one. Does your first, middle, and last spell something?   huh? Favorite TV channel? i don’t have one.  What is your least favorite breed of dog?   i don’t have one tbh. it all depends on the dog’s personality. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants?   yes, i think they’re fine as long as they’re not see through. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents?   nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge?   yes, wine.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?   i don’t really care. What do you want for your birthday?   a watch. Who is the most inappropriate person you know?   i know a couple but only when they’re intoxicated. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?   my boyfriend. After breaking up, what’s the worst?   learning how to move on by yourself. Do you have a second mom? nope. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? when my parents separated. it was just a shitty time in my life, i dreaded going home just coz they ignored each other. How do you relieve stress? sleeping, watching movies/tv shows. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not?   yeah, i would. it would bring a lot of people together i guess. What illegal drugs have you tried? Describe how you feel when you take each. If you haven’t tried any, would you ever want to? weed, coke, mdma. are shrooms illegal? if so, then yeah i’ve done that too. What is your opinion on capital punishment?   eh. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? modern history. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? burger king. a whopper. i haven’t had one in ages. What do you think about smoking in public places?   it’s fine. What’s your favorite cheese? camembert. What’s your favorite type of chocolate?   milk. How do you like your steak? medium rare. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? i feel like i’ve never done that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana.   banana, watermelon, pineapple, orange, apple, strawberry, cherry. What is your opinion on “God?”   i believe in them. i’m just not religious whatsoever. What is your favorite Christmas movie?   elf. Who are the three most important people in your life?   i’d have to choose four. my immediate family and boyfriend. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went?   i had food poisoning. What is your favorite boy band?   boyz ii men. What is your favorite Beatles song?   i don’t have one tbh. What is your favorite type of bird? toucans are cool. What is something you hate, but wish you loved? olives. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? everything. i have the weirdest irrational anxiety. it’s frustrating. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? his mannerisms. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture?   yeah, i’m in mid laughter haha. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? only if it’s the only thing they talk about. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light?   i like neutral shades, browns, pinks, nudes. What do you believe in the most?   idk. What do you avoid like the plague?   driving haha. i do it anyway. What is your main goal of the year?   finding a new job. Do you listen to music while you drive? always. Waffle cone or bowl?   cone. Do you like video games? Why?   it really depends, i’m picky with them. they’re fun to kill time with. Do you take selfies with those animal filters? when they first came out on snapchat they were cute but now i just think they took tacky. What book will you NOT read?   many. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? stupid ones. pewdiepie, those logan brother, ricegum etc. they’re terrible, i don’t get the appeal. Do you like big, normal or small glasses?   normal. How do you feel about colored contacts? it’s whatever. to each their own. Is pregnancy beautiful?   sure. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy?   sometimes. when i’m in the mood. Are you kind to animals at all times?   i don’t really take notice of them tbh. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? yes. Do you trust dogs? only my dog. Do you trust cats?   nope. What stereotype do you fall into the best?   slacker. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? stairs. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? yes. all the damn time at the beaches. Do you carry pepper spray with you?   nope. Name three sites you have been bullied on. none tbh. i keep a pretty low profile. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. nope. not one out of control. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?   no. Have you ever had a emergency surgery?   no. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed?   natural. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? anxiety lol. and food. i have a weak stomach. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World?   of course! What unnatural hair color looks best on you? really dark purple. What is your least favorite pizza place?   i don’t know tbh. What is the name of your first pet?   dopey. he was a bird lol. What is your favorite fairytale?   hmmm. rumpelstiltskin. Have you ever suffered a fracture?   yes. in my pinky from basketball. What countries would you like to visit?   japan and the bahamas. Had a serious surgery?   the most serious would be a dog bite when i was 2. i only remember bits and pieces of it though. Gotten stitches?   yes. Bitten someone?   not seriously. Would you ever cosplay?   probably not. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? pretty quickly. Have you ever drank from a real coconut?   yes! not as sweet as i thought it’d be. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? nope. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? if that was the only job i could get, then yeah. it would suck but unfortunately we need money to live. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you?   yeah. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies?   i did for awhile, kept it in my phone case.  When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? right. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? we don’t celebrate thanksgiving here. Does your house have a real chimney? nope. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?   no idea just because i’ve never been through one. probably a hurricane though? i think my house could withstand that. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?   pretty sure my dad taught me. i relied on training wheels even though i knew how to ride without them and finally just got rid of them when i was about 8 lol. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? don’t want either. Are you good at understanding baby talk?   nope. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters?   it’s been forever. i think it was deadpool 2 or ocean’s eight. Can you do a hand stand?   nope. If you could, you would go to the moon?   probably not.  Do you like candy canes?   no. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes?   no. we had uniforms. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery?   no. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped?   normal. i like acid wash and that distressed look though. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare?   no. Have you watched Breaking Bad?   i’ve seen about half of it. Have you ever been skating?   yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others?   hell no. Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. burger king: whopper meal. mcdonalds: cheeseburger or applie pie. kfc: twista meal. sushi hub: i always get sushi and avocado, crispy chicken and avocado and prawn katsu rolls. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one.   hurricanes: ribs. hooters: wings in either spicy garlic or teriyaki sauce. idk where else tbh. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? definitely open minded. i think my family and friends are quite open minded. i’m not really close to anyone who i really disagree with when it comes to my views. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why?   i honestly forgot what it was called but it was on netflix and there’s just a room of people in this weird room and only one could survive. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? a dress. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor?   i never ear oatmeal. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after?   nah. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress?   it all depends on how the clothes fit the person tbh. What does your dad do?   he works in a factory. Are your fingers long, or short? they’re pretty stubby. Are you allergic to any dogs? nope. Have you ever used an epi pen?   no. What is the meaning of your first name? goddess of wine. funnily enough i’m not a fan of wine. Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation?   i don’t think i did actually lol. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? sometimes. it depends. i���ll either get over a sickness in a couple of days or it’ll take weeks. Would you rather get married outside or inside?   inside only because knowing my luck it’ll be raining. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? i don’t think i do but i don’t really consider it rude. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby?   yes. What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses?   not a fan of them on myself. Have you ever died in one of your dreams?   yes haha. then i woke up. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum?   fruity tbh. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it?   not seriously. i’ve been teased but i haven’t been a constant target. What was the mascot at your elementary school?   we didn’t have one. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once?   the proposal. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? nope. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself?   no. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital?   hospital. wouldn’t want to jeopardise anything. What was the last thing you ordered online?   invitations to be printed. What’s your favorite planet?   earth. What are three things that fascinate you? travelling, space and culture. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? no. Do you enjoy doing yoga? not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school?   nope. Have you ever had fondue?   yes. only a chocolate one though. i’d love to try a cheese one. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth?   yes. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? not really. he’s turning 15 this year and is super old. we have a huge backyard so he still runs around when he wants. Do porcelain dolls scare you?   they don’t scare me but i definitely wouldn’t want to start a collection. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? boohbas were weird af. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? nope. Do you like to play air hockey? yes. Have you ever been in a castle?   technically yes. it’s just not my definition of a castle. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?   i’m okay. Do you like tacos?   only soft tacos.

[vacationcalendar]

8/6/21

hi....

So, judging by the 14 day gap in my “daily” blog, the trip took more out of me than I was hoping. I’m gonna go back and read my last post and hear how nervous I was about losing my sweet sweet structure, and I’ll just nod my head in silence like, “we know buddy, we know.”

So today, I’m going to get back on the horse, and maybe do a teensy bit of rationalizing/excusing on the way. Because no matter what happens, I will always be a good person ;D

To be clear, I did a couple hand written blogs on the road. And I did say that I would not transpose them here. I mean, the hand-writing alone would make that task nigh impossible. But since it’s only TWO goddamn posts, maybe I’ll give it a shot. The first one was on-time, it was 7/23; I wrote it in a moving car- actually lemme read it real quick.  -------

Ok, yeah, the gist of the whole post was just “Fuck, this is going to be tough.” I was donating all of my energy to staying present with my family. And normally, that would round out at about 90 minutes, tops. But when you’re at a beach house, it’s the whole experience. I’m realizing now that I budget my “work” time for writing; I still have a hard time budgeting my “free” time (relaxation time?) for writing instead. And now I see that I thought that I’d be treating time with my family as my free time, and I’d still have a little bit of work time to use for the blog. This was not the case. This was the specific fear I was feeling before the trip that I could not articulate. Family time is under no circumstances “relaxation time”. That is the work time. Full stop. Every second I stole away from them instantly became a moment to recharge the batteries, and as awesome I seem to be at the writing shit, I can not yet do this to “unwind.” The writing is work, and spending meaningful time with my family is probably harder work than actually working at a job.

So I realize now that I didn’t write anything this trip because I was WORKING MY ASS OFF. And I should have known that. Have I never talked to my mother on the phone before? It’s just that times like 5 in person. Obviously. But now, I’m looking around like, is this whole vacation thing a scam? You have to put in so much effort to milk the fun experiences out of it. You can’t just wander outside with your arms out and catch fun like a sunbeam. AND it was wildly expensive? I shouldn’t have to shell out that kinda cash and still have to work that hard.

 Although, I did realize on the beach one morning that this is what you’re paying for. You’re paying for the privilege of accessing the one of the only beautiful places left on Earth. The earth has a limited number of amazing places, so capitalism decided to protect them and make them stay special by making them prohibitively expensive. Otherwise it would be wall to wall people, filling it up with garbage, because even that would still be better than living in Ohio. Like that’s Econ 101. But as I was walking and remembering that the system has been rigged for generations, I got pissed. Like, some rich white guys decided long ago who should be rich (their kids, and maybe their race too, why not?) and who SHOULDN’T. And now you see an amazing place that basically has a placard hanging in the entrance that says “rich people only,” and we’re all pretending like that’s a fair system. It honestly seems a little sad that a even a system that was a true meritocracy would decide who gets to enjoy a clean, beautiful beach, because that’s not how amazing things should be treated. It’s exclusiveness is not at all what makes it beautiful. But when you find out the capitalism has had its white thumb on the scale for centuries, and then has the audacity to pretend it doesn’t anymore, and you know for a fact it’s why a majority of the people on this island are here in the first place, it feels fucking awful. 

Like, I’m sitting here, even now, thinking “what the fuck do I actually do about this?” And for a second there, I was like this is a cool thing to put in a book, and I had to actually make sure I didn’t just mean “ooh, racism bad!” No shit. I’m also pretty sure that’s been tackled before. I’d something A LITTLE fresher than that. The real question is, “how do the people living in an all-encompassing system that governs them throw away that system? How do they actually enact a plan to replace the entire system with a new one and get away with it?” Because any system will have people at the top, and those people will fight to keep that system in place. I mean, they’re literally at the top, this new system wouldn’t have them anywhere near the top! Are you shitting me? Hell, most of the new systems that might show up would put that bastards in jail for God’s sakes. So yeah, they’ll fight it tooth and nail, why wouldn’t they? And they are literally in charge. And I mean, when I lay it out like that, the answer to this pivotal question is obvious: revolution. You as a people need to muster up the courage and the energy to burn it all down. Those black lives matter protests were huge for this. They pumped with courage AND energy for weeks. And while I think that kind of energy is bound to fade, the courage stays.

I’m writing something in my head right now. I just realized I could probably share it with you in writing... jesus...

Part of my idea for Captain Toch was that he was in the revolution business. He never cared about the who or the why, but he was always ready to create chaos. It was the only place in time he truly thrived. He found that living through a coup was the most profitable thing a person could do. When the ladder falls, it’s all up for grabs, and it’s only really dangerous to the folks trying to scurry back up the ladder. Ettis feels he was made to knock ladders over. He isn’t one for sitting on top of one. It’s two completely different skills, taking people down and building people up. Weaver questions him on this: Don’t you ever feel guilty? You’re success is only ever in the downfall of others? You’re stability only ever comes from the chaos imposed on thousands? But Ettis disagrees. “I’ve never in me whole life seen a ladder that couldn’t use a rattlin’. People pray their whole life that one day the people on top would be shaken from their towers. And the only people that pray that the towers hold steady is the bastards inside ‘em. And I’ve never met a man inside a tower that ‘asn’t overstayed his welcome. Every profound act of chaos would see a new opportunity to establish order. Every tower that falls gives us guys enough pieces left over to build a better one for his kiddos. You’ll always hear buggers beggin’ ya to leave it alone, but they’ll never one of ‘em tell you why you shouldn’t. (I’m not sure yet what Ettis’s take on the dreaded power-vacuum would be. He feels justified in overthrowing governments but is clear that he doesn’t put any effort in helping people put together a better one in the aftermath. He has definitely oversimplified things, and ultimately he mostly just feels like this is his purpose on earth. This is talent, and I don’t think coming after kings who have proven themselves to be villainous should be too problematic to distract the reader from Weaver spending so much time with this character. I definitely think this is a perfectly good reason for Weaver to move on from the Fran’s Lion and onto new adventures after this though)

One thing I do want Weaver to challenge Ettis on is: What do you do when a king is a good man? Would you still topple his leadership for a score? And I think Ettis would tell Weaver that it’s literally never happened. And we’re left to take that how we will. Some part of Weaver doesn’t believe him; like Ettis is manufacturing his righteous position for his own means. But another part of Weaver does believe it. He’d never met a kind ruler or a fair one in his life, although he had seen far fewer. Maybe kings were meant to be taken down from time to time? Maybe this chaos washing up onto these king’s shores was itself part of larger, more natural, order of things. The forest would burn off rotten dead trees from time to time to the benefit of the forest. The rains would run off spent soil into the river to keep the plants coming back each season. Why couldn’t a ship of men come ashore and raise a din looking for treasure, when that treasure only existed in the first place because the king had been poisoned by greed? Still, Weaver couldn’t help but feel a little sad that the first truly great man he’d managed to meet was the one bringing the storm and not building the houses. Maybe bringing order to that many people was simply not a possible task. It just FELT like is was. And that feeling sank into Weaver’s chest. He realized for the first time in his stay aboard the Fran’s Lion he wasn’t feeling hungry anymore.

Huh, I kinda like that. I should write more details for the book like this. I mean, my style still needs work, but all the more reason to keep swinging at it. And style notwithstanding, I think I hammered a decent little idea there at the end. 

You know what? For completion’s sake. Let’s take this time to finish getting the second “analog” blog post summed up in here.

reading------ 7/28/21

Sentence one: OK, writing *not* at my desk is BULLSHIT, and I won’t do it. FUCKING SORRY.

So yeah, it just wasn’t going to happen, lol. Oh wow! My next sentence is literally: I’m still a good person. Deal with it.

I literally said that at the start of this blog too, omg. I forgot about that.

Yeah, I was pretty upset that I couldn’t write while I was there. And to add on to my point at the start of today’s post, this is all evidence pointed to the fact that I can only work so many hours in a day before I run out of juice. I didn’t write when I wanted to when I had a job, and then I had a pseudo-job on the trip, and I couldn’t write then either. And the ONE TIME I did write (I read the rest of 7/28) it was fucking great and it felt fantastic and I got some really good thoughts and ideas down on paper to look back on later, and I STILL couldn’t get into doing it while I was there. It’s not just a good idea to write. I have to make a commitment to it. It’s not a game, even though it sometimes feels like one. Honestly I have to commit to certain games too. I might just be broken, and we’ll have to deal with that. 

So the gist of this blog post was all the frustration I’d been feeling and expressing today, only I was *right* in the thick of it. I was recovering from being pissed at myself, I WAS pissed at myself. And I probably had had a couple drinks at this point in the evening. So I start the blog letting myself off the hook for failing my deadlines as it were. But then I pivot, and I put myself back on the hook! I compare myself to Tom Scharpling, whose memoir I was just about to finish at the time. And while it took him forever and a half to write THAT BOOK, it took him no time at all to *write.* He would not allow himself to quit that. He dug into his ideas and saw them manifested into the world. And I remember seeing that and looking back at all the ideas I had had over the years that I simply allowed to remain ideas. Letting them fade away into the ether, only existing now as electrical signals in my brain with the rest of my cruddy memories.

So then I said in the blog, if you really do feel that bad about it, then you have to write something creative RIGHT NOW. Go ahead. I’ll wait. And I called the creative writing part a “crumb of an idea,” cuz I had to lower the stakes a little. I was stressed out, and on vacation no less!

The crumb was a standup bit that I had formulated earlier in the trip. I’ll actually just transcribe that part right here for posterity’s sake: Do you guys ever call the food in your fridge "food for daddy?" Is that a thing we all do? Like I've got chocolate milk in there, and that's chocolate milk for daddy. Anyone else? Pretty standard, pretty standard procedure, in my opinion. Why? Hmm, good question. You know I guess I'd never really thought of it like that. I guess, which do you prefer? Opening the fridge and grabbing a fruit on the bottom yogurt, or opening the fridge and- "oooh.... fruit on the bottom yogurt for daddy? Mmmmmooyyoommooyhhhguu" [touches fingers to lips because how could you not?] "Ben & Jerry's Coffee Caramel Fudge Non-dairy Frozen Dessert Pint?..... Daddy like.... [like is in italics, and the italics indicate that I'm sultry as FUCK] Anyone else have roommates? Not a partner you live with, just a regular roommate that splits rent with you? And they do their own thing most of the time. And they buy their own groceries and share a fridge with you, so you have to separate your roommate's food from daddy's food? Anyone else? And every now then you have to be like, "Jeff, did you have any of Daddy's babybel cheeses? It's fine if you did, I just don't see very many babybels left, and daddy's going to Jewel this afternoon." By the way, I'm not saying you have to love this joke, you don't have to laugh or anything. I just need to make sure you at least TRY to visualize a husky white single guy in his 30's shouting down a hallway, and the hallway is considerably shorter than what you're imagining, down to a slightly huskier single guy in his 30's, "did you have any of daddy's babybels?" TRY IT. Next time you are putting away a fresh box of Eggo Waffles into your freezer, I want you to whisper to yourself, "Eggos for daddy" and SEE if you life does not appreciably change. And I know a majority of you right now are thinking, "No. I won't do that. This is the dumbest thing I have ever had the misfortune to be subjected to. Move on. Or better yet, just go away." And I will, but just watch. The next time your at the grocery store, you will inevitably walk by the Eggos. And you won't be able to help youself. You can't control it. You're going to think it. You might shake your head in disapproval while you do it, but you're gonna say it. (muttering) "Eggos for daddy" And your partner will be like "what did you say?" (Turns, snapping) DADDY'S EGGOS "...what?" "Forget it" (angrily pushes cart away) This is my power, I tell you now. You either like this premise and you're having a good time. OR, you hate it and a week you're going to snap at your significant other in public. Either way, I win.

See? That wasn't so hard. Now you are free <3 -Max

Oh my god I have to take my THIRD bathroom break since I started this morning. Fucking hell.

So let’s just call it there for today. Lotta good stuff out of the way, and a lot left to do tomorrow (probably). I have to remember to stat tagging these for archival purposes. Like this had standup AND book notes in it. That could be good to check back in on later. Hmm, but the actual hashtags part of tumblr is to help get eyes on your blog, which this is NOT for. (yet? idk) So maybe I’ll just tag them at the end here myself, and I can ctrl+F in the future. Hopefully that works O_O

Standup, EoW (book)

Alright see you tomorrow. Love ya

[haninabaninah-learning]

Musical Instruments: Adult Learning Experience

A lot of people we know who play instruments Started learning them at a very early age. Many of those who end up going to music schools learn at age 5 or 6. Mozart composed his first piece at age 5 for goodness sake! I’ve been watching TwoSet Violin and prodigies are just getting younger and younger.

I had a different experience. I started seriously learning instruments in high school.

PIANO

In my younger years, I knew how to play the really easy melodies on the piano (given that we have a piano at home and my dad and grandmother are very good pianists) - Happy Birthday song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars - the kind you teach 4 year olds with only one hand. Then for some reason, maybe during my first years of high school, I found myself trying to learn pieces from our electronic keyboard by following the lighted keys. I first learned Canon in D and Minuet in G. My parents were a bit shocked when they saw that I learned it from the keyboard.

***To be fair, I came from quite a musical family. As I mentioned, my grandmother and father are good pianists. My mother also knows a few classical piano pieces. My father and my brother play the guitar. My sisters sang at a choir. My dad, who is also knowledgeable in music theory, is the worship leader at our local church. Basically, nobody is tone deaf in my family. You can consider our family musical.***

From there, I started going to Youtube for song tutorials. I learned A Thousand Miles and White Houses, both by Vanessa Carlton. I learned a few other pop songs, but I don’t remember them as well as these two. I never liked reading notes, so YouTube was definitely my go-to. (Thank God for YouTube.)

I first formally took lessons (Suzuki Method) the summer before my 3rd year of high school. At first, I was intimidated because two of my classmates were very good sightreaders and they were already very good at our age. But they also became inspirations for me, that soon, I will be able to play as well as them. I loved the piano, so I practiced a lot, even at night. I finished Suzuki Book 1 upto the first 2 or 3 pieces in Book 2 that summer break. But school started again and I just didn’t go back to taking those lessons.

The more I listened to piano pieces, the more I wanted to learn and be an excellent piano player. Sadly, the excitement isn’t constant. My practice and learning jumps are often characterized by energy bursts - intense practice seasons (a few weeks) and a long hiatus (months or years). I always play on and off. But it’s always good to be reminded.

I took piano lessons in the UPCMEP after about 4 years, in the summer after my second year in uni. I was discouraged from continuing though, because my teacher was very harsh and hostile. I was totally scared of her! After graduating from uni (after about 3 years), I practiced on my own again and self-studied the rest of Suzuki Book 2 and the first few pieces of Book 3. I was fired up! I took lessons with UPCMEP again under a different teacher. She’s very kind and I love her! (Ms. Pia) Unfortunately, I had to move to Australia right after finishing the sessions. (I couldn’t even attend my own recital.) I just got back from Australia, after 2 years, and I took lessons from UPCMEP - and again under a different teacher because Ms. Pia is fully booked. She’s also a nice teacher, but I made a lot of mistakes. It felt a little bit stressful because I had other things to do, and I just felt there was a lot of homework. I think my skills weren’t at par with the expectations my teacher had. I couldn’t keep up. I was always tense during my lessons for fear of making more mistakes, which made my mind go even slower. Practice was also not fun (because of the pressure of learning many pieces/ exercises at once.) 

Now, I’m on lockdown and I can’t take the online piano lessons. I tried practicing my piece again with 0 pressure on myself, and I absolutely love it!

I might take piano lessons again, someday, when I can.

Ease of learning: 3/5

Lessons: Idk the local Teacher (Suzuki), UP College of Music Extension Program

Favorite pieces: Sonatina Op. 55 No. 2 (Kuhlau), 214 Intro (Hehe classic I love Rico Blanco)

VIOLIN

I took violin lessons during my first year of working. Aside from violin being a cool instrument that makes pop music sound grand, here is another weird reason for trying to learn violin: I liked playing melodies by ear, but I can't do it with chords. It doesn't work well on the piano, because playing single notes on it sounds very child-like. But it works on the violin. Simple tunes sound really good if you have the skill. I thought if I could get to a good level of violin skills, I could play any song I want and make it sound amazing. It would be a great addition to a band arrangement or something.

I must say - with piano it's easy to sound good as a beginner but it's hard to be an expert. With violin, however, a beginner sounds like crap. I sounded like crap (imo), most especially when I first learned with the group classes. I believe I still do.

Yes, at first I took violin lessons with a class my dad found online. I would not recommend it at all. Form and technique is very important when you are starting to learn violin, and the lack of focus on the student will be of 0 help to you. We played poor-sounding violin renditions of pop songs and Christmas songs for our recital. It's kinda sad. To be fair my classmates were all in high school and below. I was in my fourth year of uni.

After two years, I started working and I picked up the violin again (for some reason.) I started earning money and I can now (kind of) afford violin lessons. I would definitely recommend individual lessons with a teacher for violin (or I guess for learning any sort of classical instrument seriously.) I learned a lot from my teacher who was also very kind and encouraging.

Unfortunately, due to many reasons including my demands at work, my tiredness of the commute to the lesson, my innate stingyness (I still found the weekly lessons very expensive, considering my income), my spiritual issues, and my depression, it just became harder and harder for me to attend lessons. A big part of the misfortune here is that I was not being honest with my teacher about my issues, and I feel like I disrespected him along the way. :(

Someday, I would want to pick up my violin again and learn. (Or get a better quality violin, actually.) I will play that vibrato well, and enjoy beautiful songs on this instrument.

Ease of learning: 1/5

Lessons: Individual Teacher

YouTube inspo: TwoSet violin (LOL), Ray Chen, Hilary Hahn (the whole gang)

Favorite piece: I really don’t remember any of my classical pieces cause I wasn’t good enough

UKULELE

Everybody I know who plays ukulele learned it as an adult. It’s very easy to play but it’s very fun-sounding. 

I remember trying to play it many years ago when we got a cheap version, but that time, I just did not put any effort. I was a busy bee and had many other things to do. I was more 100% more interested in learning piano. On top of that, I had not yet discovered the magic of actual YouTube teachers. (I don’t know if there were uke teachers at that time already.) I basically forgot about its existence after a few weeks.

I think it was when we cleaned up that I saw our Ukulele again. At 24 years old, I was going to move to Australia - and I had to bring an instrument! I can’t bring a piano or a guitar because...how. I knew I was gonna go crazy if I can’t play music, especially if there’s nothing to do while I job-hunt. I liked singing and I really wanted to learn an instrument that could accompany my singing. I ordered a quality ukulele and moved. Being jobless in a foreign country with very little money, watching Youtube teachers and practicing was really a good way to spend my time when I’m not busy. I learned reading tabs in the process too.

I have loved the sound of fingerpicked instruments for the longest time, and I was so glad to finally be able to fingerpick songs.I am also proud of being able to “chuck”. It just adds so much dimension to the music. I still have a lot to work on (I am still horrible at strumming patterns because I suck at following beats), but I’d say I’m a fair player.

Ease of learning: 5/5

YouTube Teacher: Cynthia Lin Music

Favorite pieces - I only love fingerpicked songs lol so I love Cynthia Lin: Can’t Help Falling In Love, Here Comes The Sun, Canon in D (Pachelbel - but in key of C, lol, I haven’t finished)

CLASSICAL GUITAR

Here I am, at 26, learning classical guitar and music theory. I’ve always wanted to learn the guitar. As I mentioned, I love the sound of fingerpicked instruments. I love the sound of acoustic covers and the plucked strings. It’s so relaxing and calm.

I tried learning the guitar as a high school student, but I was overcome by my annoyance of the pain on my fingertips when I press on the strings. I was also bad at strumming patterns. (I suck at rhythm.) On top of that, I gave myself an excuse of not being able to reach most chords due to my small hands. I learned the easy chords and strumming, but it really is far from good enough.

Learning the ukulele gave me courage to start learning the guitar again. I really did want to be good at it. Luckily, as I applied for piano lessons, I figured it would be a waste to travel for 2 hours a day only for a 1-hour lesson. I thought it would be a good idea to take guitar lessons as well.

I initially just wanted ordinary guitar lessons, just so I can be forced to learn guitar for my pop songs. Apparently, they mostly (or only) teach classical guitar in UP (kind of obvious though). What a beautiful genre, though. This is my kind of music! I’m also very grateful for my kind and fun teacher- Sir Peter. He’s very encouraging!

Perhaps one of the factors of the success was also the implementation of online classes. It’s not so tiring to attend lessons because of the travel (unlike when I was learning violin). I love classical guitar now, and I’m continuing my lessons. I barely practiced and prepared for my classes before lockdown, but now I really enjoy each practice time I have. More on this on another blog post!

Ease of learning: 3/5

Lessons: UP College of Music Extension Program (Now online lessons)

YouTube additional learning: Brandon Acker, This is Classical Guitar

Favorite piece - (well I’m only starting so I have a very limited list) Andantino in G by Carulli, but I would like to learn Air on G String someday

MUSIC THEORY

I’ve also started to learn Music Theory (albeit still with little effort) during lockdown. From Youtube (of course). I barely finish any song I write. And I love arranging music, but I’m not very good at it. I figure Music Theory will help me a lot in this area.

[fitnessandfoodmeg]

DAY 24

Quick update (which ended up being very long-sorry!) just to say I am still going strong; I just suck at blogging about it! And I’m even going it alone!

My sister started the Whole30 journey with me, but four days in she started breaking out in hives. Now for the past year and a half she’s battled with seemingly unexplained hives. She’s seen allergists who have allergy tested her (including foods) and nothing but mild dust and pollen showed up which she already knew about. So she suffered this long saga with hives for about a year, ending up on multiple steroid treatments when they got bad and two different allergy meds twice a day. And they still persisted. She even tried acupuncture in a bid to go the all natural way but nothing worked. Then finally during a busy week she ran out of one of her allergy meds for a few days and suddenly her hives were gone.

Turns out one of her meds started exacerbating the hives and kept them plaguing her for a year. So four days into whole30, after about six months of being hive free for the most part she starts breaking out in them again. She decided to keep going, to see if they would stop maybe once her body wasn’t detoxing. Until about a week in she woke up with them in her mouth. She was done. She did some research and there are people who have had similar experiences where medical conditions are exacerbated. She decided to listen to her body and go back to eating smartly using weight watchers. And sure enough four days after she stopped the hives were gone. She couldn’t pinpoint it to any food so I suppose this type of paleo diet just doesn’t agree with her.

I felt bad since I pushed her into doing this with me and I thought it would be really really hard to do it on my own, especially food prep since we were sharing those responsibilities before. But it’s been ok. Only one hiccup. A few days after she stopped whole30 she made a meatloaf with about a tablespoon of milk and breadcrumbs and forgot to tell me it wasn’t compliant. (She was still helping make compliant meals so it didn’t occur to me) So technically I cheated by having a piece. But since I didn’t intentionally do it I’m just giving myself a pass. I started this to kick bad habits and yea lose some weight.

So I feel like I don’t need to add another two weeks on for an unintentional oversight (even if technically against the rules) when I intend to keep basically on plan after the ten day reintroduction phase anyway (with the occasional permission to eat something I’m craving!) because surprisingly enough I’ve found the plan a lot easier to adhere to then I thought I would.

I am missing things. Mostly parmesan and pecorino (lol!) when I make a spaghetti squash or zoodles. It’s just not the same! And For some reason I really really want a homemade chocolate chip cookie which I really only ever make at Christmas. Go figure. But I really haven’t been hungry on plan- I did my reading beforehand and made sure to get enough fat in every meal. Let’s here it for the deliciousness that is avocados!!

Anyway three weeks in and I’m definitely loving the effects of this plan. My skin has never looked better, I have more energy and am sleeping better. No more waking up multiple times and failing to fall back to sleep. And yep I’ve definitely lost weight. So I am feeing good. And with the finish line in sight I’m also really proud of myself for seeing it through. And plan to keep up the good habits I’ve gained this month. I kicked my diet iced tea habit (woohoo! That previously replaced my Diet Pepsi addiction) and am now actually really loving my water w lemon. And the occasional ounce of no sugar added compliant oj when I just really need smth different. And I’m back in the habit of having a salad loaded w veggies and protein for lunch and shockingly enough I haven’t gotten sick of having eggs every morning for going on three weeks now. I really thought I would be.

I thought going into this I would have tons and tons of cravings. That my sugar monster would be out of control. I fingered I would have to white knuckle it but hey you can do anything for thirty days right? What surprised me was that after the initial detoxing I really haven’t been craving many things, or if I have it passes.

And I thought the no snacking would be hard because I used to love a good snack. But I’ve found myself satiated and full from my meals and when I do get an urge for a snack I drink my water and think about why. Usually it’s been situational. Relaxing at night watching tv, suddenly feeling that need to snack on something. Not real hunger. And when I do actually feel hungry between meals- generally at the tail end of a long 12 hour work shift when I’m still a few hours from getting home; I make good choices. Veggies or fruit w almond butter is a life saver. And I always make sure to have a compliant bar in my bag just in case (though I’ve only had two during this journey as emergency lunch replacements)

So there you go. An entirely too long catch up on the last few weeks I’ve been too remiss to write up before now. Sorry about that! Although really this blog is for myself. I wanted a place I could be accountable. Just another week to go!

[survivorkvaloya]

Episode #4: “Things Are Getting Kinda Fishy Here And I Don't Like It” - Christine

IM. SO. HAPPY. RIGHT. NOW. Ok, well sort of. I'm sad Connor was the one that went home cause I adore him but on the bright side....he gave me the legacy advantage! So essentially at F6 I'm gonna be safe (if I make it that far) which means I might possibly be able to beat my placement from my last season! Connor if you're reading this thank you so much ily ❤ It's kinda scary though cause if this is out there, what other kinds of advantages are there? I've also noticed a pattern that Chelsea and Ryan have both been going to the majority of the rewards so I'm a little worried about that but we'll see. On the bright side, I'm finally in an alliance! I really like the group so hopefully we can do a little damage but for the meantime I'm excited!

Ok guys, I didn't think that I would be in such a good position but I??? Everyone seems to be falling to place for me right now. I think that everyone on my tribe likes me and if we lost once more (which would be really shit), I wouldn't be voted out. I have had a lot of things going on IRL and it's given me an excuse... because guess what America, I have an idol clue. I need to get the lowest score out of everyone to get a piece of an idol, which I need. Ryan has one piece and if I have the other one, we just need one more to make a full idol, which could be pivotal moment for us. I think we're strong mentors and I just want to get as far as I can while proving that I can fucking do this. Last time I sucked really sucked at this series and I want to prove that if I play the game I do, I can make it to the end based on making good moves!! 

-sigh- 

 These people need to stop coming for me premerge.

for editing the music video challenge, ryan and I got a reward that was pretty useless. we have to get the lowest score next challenge to get it. we made a pact not to tell anyone, and what does he do that very night? tells willow. jackson. quilynn. I don't really care though. I made a joke alliance with him just to have some cross tribal communication. i want our tribe to lose so we can send someone home. this is getting boring

I don't like throwing comps. Its wayyy too early for that. I don't know what the heck Lauren's thinking right now, especially if the girls want Brett out, cause I know Brett wants to work with me and Lauren soooo yeah. I just wish Lauren talked to me about this kind of stuff instead of kinda going rogue. It scares me. I refuse to throw anything so sorry :)

I'm still waiting on immunity results, but I'm honestly hoping that we lose it. Ryan has confirmed to willow that the "majority alliance" of 

 JD & Liam

 Andreas & Jack 

Colin & Brett

 Ryan & Jackson is real. I want us to be able to go to tribal and take out brett or jack before we have a swap or something and lose numbers.

So that challenge... Wasn't that hard. It was very much a 'whoever has no lie' kinda thing. But what really blows is that I had a 24000ish score and fucked up! I fucked up hard, like I forgot to put JD in the URL bar... Noob mistake, ended up with a like 11000 score, but in the end we won and most people here can still think that I'm lame in comps 

ALSO. THIS LILY. Created an all girls alliance. WITHOUT ME. literally quilynn is in it BEFORE me. I’m the only girl on the tribe not in this fucking alliance I’m GONNA SCREAMMMMMMM

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my second confessional. Sooo I guess since the last time we did this, Jules and Connor were voted out and then we won immunity (right?) Socially, things have gotten a lot better for me though. Not gonna lie I felt pretty lost at the start of this swap, but I feel very comfortable now. I'm a lot closer with Ryan and trust him as my closest ally (along with Chelsea and probably Lily, who was not mad about Jules getting axed thank God). Chelsea has suggested that me and Ryan make an alliance with her and her mentor Gage for after the next swap/merge, which I think is a good idea, especially since Chelsea has an idol piece and we might win more collectively. Right now, I'm in an officially established alliance on Ersfjorden called "pool floaties" that includes everyone except for Danielle and Nicholas. Honestly, I'm not a huge fan. Liam gives me bad vibes and JD, who I'm almost certain has an idol piece, seems to be an extremely paranoid player. She probably only tried to push for the alliance because she's so eager to feel secure. Either way, I wouldn't mind voting Liam out if we went to tribal again. The Connor vote was basically the easy way out I guess, and I felt bad because it's clear being paired with Zoe put him at a huge disadvantage (part of our reasoning for choosing him was that he didn't have a partner to protect him or avenge him). But whatever so it goes. Anyway, Kaldfjorden is finally going to fucking tribal tomorrow. I'm extremely worried for Chelsea who tanked the challenge to get an idol piece, but I think the tribe is considering taking out a bigger threat (unless her intel is wrong). Personally I would prefer if Christine or Jack went, but the most likely option is Brett, which is fine I guess. I don't want to get too involved, but if Chelsea's looking like she's in trouble I may start having some conversations. Okay that's my thoughts have a good day

UPDATE: they're calling themselves The Rice Girls. with a spice girls picture. What did I do to deserve this!?!?! im ejecting.

So Willow is trying to figure out these idol pieces but she's a bit off. I got the into the box piece and chelsea got cassanova. We already combined them with chelsea's lowest score piece so she now has a full idol. Willow is my mentor so I want her to believe she is my number 1, but honestly it is chelsea. Together we have an idol and are able to work together even though we are also working with different pockets of people in this game. It also has me less worried as the odds are that currently she is the only person with a full idol. Hopefully tribal goes as planned and Brett will be gone. 

We did that! Feels good to not have to scramble through another vote to send someone packing (and add on to my respectable collection of premerge votes.) 

Guess who's got more good news :D I got a piece of an idol! I wish it was a whole one, but I'll take what I can get tbh. Also I'm bummed we lost immunity and I'm even more bummed it looks like Bretts leaving. I don't support this move at all, but I feel like I can't reject it cause I don't want them to think I'm part of the majority alliance they think exists since QuilLynn already suspects me and Lauren of being in it, which we aren't. I'm gonna try and see if I can push the target onto either Jack or Gage but we'll see. It's way too soon to make big waves and if there's a tribe swap next, I don't think it's gonna end well for us.

Alright so things are getting kinda fishy here and I don't like it...Apparently Chelsea told QuilLynn about the majority duos alliance which doesn't make sense cause why isn't Chelsea in our girls alliance? If she's willing to give out info wouldn't that make her trustworthy? I'm just....sketched out. I don't like this, at all. Hopefully a miracle happens and I can help Brett but we'll see.

So I feel pretty good. I keep telling people I'm nervous so I appear weak and non threatening later in the game we will see if it works. I've got an alliance with Lauren Christine willow and QuilLynn and love it. We are called the rice girls and we are gonna win this whole damn thing. By we I mean we are gonna get too 5 and I'm gonna win it all. Muh hahahaha  #letsgo 

I've started operation save Brett because it's literally my best option right now. I get the hype behind Big Moves™ but what the fuck! It's way to early for it. I know Brett will help me and Lauren in a heartbeat so this is the least I can do for him. QuilLynn keeps mentioning this phantom alliance which I honestly am starting to think doesn't exist but who knows. There's been no reference to whose in it or how many there are in it so I'm just sketched out...I could be shooting myself in the foot by doing this but I came into this game saying to trust my gut and my gut says to save Brett.

Hi okay so i'm sorry its been a while since I did one of these. SO, pretty much my strategy to play a pretty UTR game has been going according to plan. We voted out Jules and Connor unanimously, which was largely because they just couldn't interact socially with people. I'm happy Connor is gone because I knew he would probably slide by far, so i'm pleased he won't now. On my current tribe we have a lot happening, which is really reminding me of Mali. Theirs a side alliance of JD, Colin, and I but I don't think they 100% trust me which is fine. We also have an alliance chat of us 3 plus Jackson and Ryan which isn't a real alliance but whatever. Then we also have Danielle, Ryan, and I in an alliance chat for the sake of talking. Now, I have a feeling that if we can continue to win a lot of challenges, this group would more then likely take the next phase of the game rather easy. My student and I, Jack don't really talk strategy or talk much for that - which is kind of weird but whatever. I think our games are really similar which kind of works for me. I also think right now that people have slight ties to me which I'm 100% here for. I think when we need to work together we will, but I'm not about to throw my game away for him - BUT i'm going to tell him I would. Overall I need people to think I have a bond with them but that i'm just way too busy to do anything. Also sorry to hosts because it makes me not wanna do confessionals. But I know that the next vote will have me put in a place where I have to make a decision that I don't really wanna make. I don't know who I'd vote for, or If i'd become a target myself. ALSO - I finally won a challenge this season. I had been half assing my challenges this season and even sat out for lip syncing when i was free lol. I want people to not view me as a super threat. But I knew I didn't win yesterday my game would've been more damaged by voting someone out. So, here we are. It's a risk i'm willing to take. Anyways I expect us to switch into 3 tribes of 5 after tonight or 2 tribes of 7 after the next vote, and either way i'm fine because I'LL HAVE REACHED 200 DAYS OF TUMBLR SURVIVOR IN 2 DAYS WTF....... anyways don't know if I should be happy or not... anyways.... bye 

These people are all so cutthroat where the fuck did you find these people 

Episode 3 I knew to expect a music video challenge, so I didn't bitch too much at this one. Chelsea did all the editing but somehow didn't manage to film 5 seconds of her doing anything to put in the video? Christine, Willow, QuilLynn, and I were the only ones to star in it. No Lauren, no Gage, no Jack, and Lily was on reflection island. Come on, Lauren! I'm trying to help you out here by working with you, but by you being MIA and inactive, it's not helping me--and you seem perfectly fine with it. Fortunately, we won. 

 Episode 4 There was rice. I couldn't be bothered. We lost, but fortunately all the heat went to Chelsea because she couldn't bother to get 10 grains of rice from even one question, so...I should be fine for now. Lauren sucked again as well and it's so difficult because she doesn't seem to care that she's performing substandard and that doesn't make for that great an ally. Sigh. Christine, however, is the person I'm the most intent on working with, so I have to just roll with it. I also like Jack, but Chelsea has chosen to target him and I don't want to stick my neck out for the kid. Ultimately, I see the vote being 8-1 for Jack going home, but who knows what could happen in the next three hours. Jack leaving sends Andres to Reflection Island, and he's one of their better challenge performers, so hopefully we can clean this next immunity up easy. If Jack leaves, I'll be the only person with a partner on the other tribe. Lily's got voted out already. The rest are in their pairs. So cross your fingers that Jack leaving doesn't put a spotlight on me. Let Lily leave next instead. Most of the tribe seems interested in having a working relationship with me, so I feel like things will be okay. We'll see.

Well after like 4 challenges I finally have to go to a tribal, and I'm a little unsure. Haven't really talked to very many people, but I'm hoping others agree to vote out Chelsea who didn't participate in the challenge, since I at least did my fair share of the work.

Okay so I think the first thing I remember is Lily suggesting to QuilLynn to make an all girls alliance of me, QuilLynn, Lily, Christine and Lauren. So what I did notice about this was I was alright with it even though I wasn't sure about what I thought of Lauren and Christine just bc they dont reply to me a whole lot, and they might be in the majority alliance of 8ish. Anyway QuilLynn told me that Lily suggested it to her and I said yeah bc you should never really turn down an alliance. And when I said yeah I thought QuilLynn was gonna wait for Lily to talk to Lauren and Christine then create it or something, but nope QuilLynn just up and made the chat. I mean I love QuilLynn shes wonderful, but she probably should have waited and let Lily create the chat. I think it was good that Chelsea turned in a 0 for the challenge so that we could get the idol, but Im also trying to get Ryan to trust me so I told him I was upset that Chelsea was gonna get it. So then Ryan tells me about how everyone on his tribe has been added to an alliance chat besides Danielle and Nicholas, which literally confirms the majority thing we've been suspecting, so of course I went and told the alliance of me Gage, Chelsea, and QuilLynn. Anyway I told QuilLynn that we probably shouldnt tell the all girls alliance that there's a majority alliance bc we arent sure if we can trust Lauren and Christine. Then Lauren says in the all girls alliance chat that we should throw the challenge to get rid of a big threat, and I say that I've noticed Brett is a big threat. But then said that we shouldn't throw the challenge bc thats dumb af and its just gonna cause a mess. but anyway of course we actually do loose the challenge, and I think at this point everyone is alright with voting Brett which is good bc hes a big threat and he doesnt reply to PMs which is super annoying. But then Christine decides to be sketchy af and push for Jack bc hes UTR but then Lauren was like yeah I agree, and I was like wtf Lauren youre the one who originally wanted to throw to get rid of a threat. I like the idea of an all girls alliance but I just dont trust Christine and Lauren. Anyway then QuilLynn in order to defend wanting to get rid of Brett was like well hes in the majority alliance, and I was like yikes I told her to not say that since we arent sure about christine and lauren. and anyway they end up asking questions and stuff and now I sorta think they are with the majority. But we still hopefully got them on board to vote Brett so I really hope its Brett and not me. Other stuff has been happening like idols and shit but Im too tired to type up the rest of the confessional so I'll just do it later tonight maybe.