#on top of everything else going on seeing this pattern constantly repeat itself

[bigskydreaming]

So, been awhile! Apologies for that - took a step back from most social media sites for a few months because the accumulated stresses and everpresent urgency to most things I've been dealing with for the past five plus years finally caught up with me and I kinda just....crashed, and needed some time to get my head on straight. Or whatever the non-obvious-pun version of that might be for a Known Bisexual. Everything was getting to be too constantly 'stop and go' for me, if that makes sense.....like I'd TRY to be more present on here, TRY to work on things like my patreon and fic and meta and stuff like that because I've really wanted to get back to creating actual stuff that people enjoy instead of being like My Issues: The Latest Installment and the like, but then something else would crop up and kill my momentum before it even really got going and I'd have to duck away yet again, and rinse and repeat.

HENCE! I took a more dedicated, extended leave to try and get into a headspace and build a buffer that better lends itself to me getting back to the kinds of posting/writing conditions I've thrived under in the past. It took longer than I thought, but I've never been good at accurately estimating things lol. I've still been on twitter somewhat sporadically, since a huge part of why I hate that site is its format makes it all but impossible to really get to ranting at length...y'know, as I do, my tried and true time-suck method of procrastinating...and with everything going on in the world these days I didn't want to disconnect entirely even though I did need time to work through some shit. BUT I DIGRESS.

Point is, felt like I needed something more substantial than the optimistic-but-lacking-in-actual-energy-and-planning measures I've attempted in the past couple years in order to get on top of things and achieve a measure of consistency and stability again. Less shooting for the moon because I just WANT to be back to my older, happier/more content patterns, more....putting some actual time and thought into how I can realistically make that happen instead of just trying to will it into existence through sheer stubbornness. Because obviously, THAT always works.

ANYWAY. It'll still be a couple days before I get back to regular posting/reblogging patterns or much of any of that at all.....don't be confused if you see some blink and you miss them temporary posts from me over the next day or two. I'm testing out the formatting and layout of a bunch of posts and graphics made for my patreon and original fiction stuff, since the preview post function doesn't always work with read mores in a post and they're all gonna need that lol. If anyone's up for it, I am finalizing the price/reward tiers of my patreon and could use some thoughts on the different levels - I think I have them mostly figured out but wouldn't mind some additional perspectives on how I broke things down and if I'm missing some alternatives. Just message me directly if you'd like to weigh in or lend me your thoughts!

I've never wanted my tumblr to be all about fic or just original content or anything like that, so the patreon's meant to kinda keep all that separate beyond just generalized update announcements on here. The blog will remain just a regular multi-purpose smorgasboard of my reblogs and thoughts on other posts and meta about my various fandoms and all that jazz. The patreon discord will have spaces having to do with my various fanfics, but they'll never be exclusive to it in any way, and every fic update I make will still be on my blog same as always. I've been building masterlists of all my Dick Grayson meta and all my Teen Wolf meta, as well as headcanons and writing snippets/scenes that never got posted elsewhere because I didn't consider them full fics, and I'm starting a series of posts that lean directly into my tendencies to be an Overly Opinionated Asshole who - historically speaking - has never been, uh, shy, shall we say, about Having Thoughts about various fandom patterns or trends.

So....look out for the upcoming "Kalen Vs Fandoms" post series. What? It sounded catchy to me. First up:

"Fandoms' tendency to pick one character per fandom to have every other character introduce as the dumbest person they've ever met, but no its okay, they're actually really fond of them and universally defaulting to a judgmental or patronizing shot at their intelligence every single time they're the topic of conversation among other characters just naturally happens to be part of every single other character's love language - is this perhaps NOT as endearing or affectionate as fandoms tend to treat it as?" Aka "How many people can actually say they'd be comfortable with the idea of every single person in their family or friend group leading with "I genuinely think they're stupid but I love them anyway" each time they talk about them to someone else, and if you don't think that's a normal conversation starter for people to have about a loved one, why do so many fandoms attempt to treat it as such?"

.....the length of post title should not be taken as an indicator of how long each post is. If people want to draw their own conclusions about post length based solely on the fact that they're, well, by me.....I mean. That's totally your prerogative. Nothing I can do about that!

Post topics will run the gamut, if for no other reason than gamut is an amazing word that doesn't get used enough and I wanted to use it. From "Its totally valid to project onto characters and use fic as a way to work through various issues via that projection but how much does this have to do with how defensively people react to the slighest criticism of character choices in their fics as though personally attacked - discuss" to "Criticizing and condemning the writers of source material for specific things - to rave reviews from followers - only to then do the exact same specific things in your own fics - to rave reviews from followers - while claiming that the mere fact of being a fan not getting paid for writing those specific things somehow makes them less worthy of criticism.....are we all seeing the problem here."

There's a slight chance those titles are perhaps....somewhat unnecessarily asshole-coded, but like, in a whimsical way! I think. Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine!

Will either rhyme OR reason be involved in the order of post topics? No. Not even a little bit. Next question.

Aside from "Kalen vs Fandoms" I've been putting a lot of thought into what other topics or content I can expound upon at length, to the possible interest of people. I'm good at writing and editing and analyzing narratives. Not claiming to be the best, just not trying to fish for compliments or anything. I think my analysis of narrative and character choices has generally been of interest in most fandoms I've been in, but when I'm IN a fandom, I do personally invest in favorite characters and stories that inevitably put me in opposition to takes from fans of other characters and stories within that fandom, and when that happens, the Horseman of Discourse inevitably follows and I....do the discourse. Look, I am who I am. I see the discourse, I engage with the discourse. Unless I don't care about the topic of discourse, in which case I don't, because that discourse doesn't matter. Obviously.

SO! In the interest of posting about narrative analysis and breakdowns of writing choices, character arcs and the like but WITHOUT engaging in The Discourse, I'll be making an easy-to-find post of fandoms or source material whose characters and narratives I'm familiar enough with TO have opinions or analysises of, but for whatever reason, the fandom has never clicked for me and I've never actually felt a desire to be part of it. Thus I'm not likely to be invested or compelled enough to follow up on anyone disagreeing with my personal thoughts or analysis or various character arcs or narratives, because its literally just like, my opinion man, presented for no other purpose than to potentially be of interest to anyone who might be interested in it. No actual follow up needed on my part because I'm not particularly chuffed if people have different takes, they're totally valid, mine don't exist for the purpose of being defended there, they just exist because Opinions, I Had Them, Here Look. Or Don't. Its Totally Whatever.

Because I don't feel as strongly about these pieces of media as I do fandoms I'm personally invested in, it is trickier to come up with a comprehensive list of ones I can weigh in on. So please feel free to hit up my inbox with any fandoms, narrative or character arcs you're curious about my take on, and I'll let you know if they're fandoms I consider myself a participant in, and thus not really right for this series, or if they're something I'm just not knowledgeable about.....but if they're not an actual fandom of mine and I AM familiar enough with them to have an analytical take or response, I'll add them to the masterlist/post as a potential topic.

This series will be called and tagged "Kalen Vs Writing Choices" (That I Personally Don't Like Or Think Could Be Better). The parenthetical part is there solely to be a disclaimer clarifying that my ego is not so great that I think that My Subjective Take on the writing choices made or not made is the only one that matters. I mean, I don't intend to include the disclaimer as part of the actual tag and will mostly leave it as y'know, like, something IMPLIED, but the disclaimer still exists and thus counts. That's totally how that works.

And that's how I've chosen to awkwardly segue into the final intended-of-three post series.....Dramatically Abrupt Tonal Shift Ahoy!

This next part will get long, but I would truly appreciate it if you gave it a read despite its length and even if - especially if - the next topic isn't one you typically look for my take on, or even avoid my take on, because I don't think I'm likely to ever express my thoughts on this matter any more genuinely or directly than this. Like I'm not trying to guilt anyone or anything like that, its more I'm just trying to say if you ever read ANY single post of mine when it comes to the next topic or pick a post to base your decision on whether or not TO wade into something I have to say on this subject, I would appreciate it if you made that this next part here, as I think it best conveys where I'm coming from when it comes to most any post I make along these lines.

So. The thing is....most people who've followed me long know that in the past I've frequently been extremely vocal on topics of rape, incest and abuse, specifically through the lens of being a male survivor. These absolutely are personal for me. This has led to me having a lot of Overly Opinionated Takes on these topics and how they're talked about, depicted and treated within fandom conversations, fics, and social media spheres and conversations at large. I've also pretty obviously not posted on these topics nearly as much in recent years as I once did - but not because I feel any less strongly about them.

And that's one hundred percent because it's frustrating as hell to see a very good portion of the posts I make about any OTHER topic in my usual fandoms go on to accumulate hundreds of notes....while NONE of my posts on these topics ever break out of my direct circle of mutuals. I don't say it to be egotistical - look how many notes I get on stuff - I say it because its literally objectively factual, and the disparity is dramatic, and the disparity is a PROBLEM. Especially given how much the topics of male rape and abuse - in SPECIFIC - tend to be, within most of my past fandoms.

This disparity has a very clear reason for existing too: people have never been shy about citing that they refrain from reblogging or referencing my posts on these topics because they feel like I act like I'm the only opinion that matters on them, the sole authority to be listened to here, that I use my status as a male rape survivor as a cudgel, to shut down opposing takes or points of view.

Which I would totally be fine with or understand if not for the fact that I've always gone out of my way to express that I don't want or expect my opinions on these matters to be taken as anything other than my personal opinions born of my personal experiences, which I cite because they're relevant. I don't think that survivors should have to disclose their status or personal history or details in order to have their opinion heard on these topics, but I deeply resent how often survivors making the choice TO disclose their personal history or relationship with these topics in order to directly unpack how that informs our perspective....is weaponized AGAINST us, in order to shut down and discredit OUR takes even while literally accusing us of only disclosing in order to do the exact same thing to others.

Something that I've posted about a LOT in the hopes of getting it spread throughout fandoms that regularly talk about male rape is for literal decades I've seen people harp on about how men can be raped too, believe male survivors, don't believe the myth that men can't be raped, etc. Which like, I appreciate the sentiment, but the thing I've tried to express for years is that in my personal experience, and those of a lot of other male survivors I've talked to - this is not really the biggest or even ONE of the biggest issues most male survivors face.

And the fact that for all that there are many survivors in fandom who have made the difficult choice to be open about their traumas and recoveries - which I ALWAYS respect, as that is never easy for any of us - a huge part of why I've always made a point to disclose my own history as a male survivor is because there just flat out aren't a lot of perspectives from MALE survivors in specific, being circulated in pretty much any of the fandom spaces I've ever been in over the past twenty years. I don't even slightly think I'm any more of an expert or authority on topics of rape or abuse - beyond how they pertain to my own personal experiences - than any other survivor. But as long as the topic of MALE rape and abuse in specific, how men are affected by these things, how society reacts to us and treats us in the aftermath....as long as these are the topics explicitly being discussed.....I do think my perspective as a male survivor is pretty fucking relevant, and admittedly, I tend to get pretty heated about pushing BACK against attempts to invalidate it or shout it down as though I somehow have LESS of a stake in or right to be heard in these particular conversations. And I get how this has at times come across as attempting to dominate a given conversation.

But like.....I'm also going to point back up to the part where I said earlier....I'm an Overly Opinionated Asshole. I say it somewhat deprecatingly, for the lulz, but also not. I'm very passionate about conversations and topics I feel strongly about and I don't make apologies for it. And for the most part....this has NEVER stopped people from reblogging or liking posts I make about pretty much any other topic....despite me not really coming across that differently in most of them, compared to how I come across in most of my past posts on topics of rape and abuse.

See....I'm in complete agreement with everyone who emphasizes that rape isn't a gendered issue. That it can and does happen to individuals of any gender or identity. But the reason why I've always found the focus on 'remember that men can be raped too' more performative than helpful is because for almost twenty years, I've been posting on these topics in various fandom spaces and trying to express that in my personal experience, something that REALLY deserves to be talked about more is the fact that rape is not gendered. But rape CULTURE very much IS.

Like it or not, we live in a very gendered society still. While yes, men can be raped too.....for a number of reasons - most of them born of sexism and misogyny in specific - the conditions, catalysts and reasons for men being raped are NOT interchangeable with those at work in instances of women being raped, as an example. Because the way society treats men and women in pretty much EVERY situation is different. Similarly, the way society REACTS to men and women disclosing they've been raped is different. And so on and so on.

So 'remember that men can be raped too' has some basis in societal claims that men can't be raped or that rape IS a gendered issue....but not as much as I think most people tend to believe. And twenty years after I first started searching out perspectives of other male survivors in online fandom spaces, beyond just real world physical support groups, I'm STILL hearing 'remember that men can be raped too' dominating all conversations about male survivors just as regularly and repetitiously as it was twenty years ago....as though the world has not changed at all, and the needle on this particular facet of male survivorhood hasn't changed an inch in the past two decades when no, actually, it very much has.

The reason why I feel so strongly about offering up my perspective as a male survivor in a relative absence of seeing other male survivors' perspectives circulated is I honestly believe the reason this is so consistently upheld as the biggest problem facing male survivors is its a carry-over from women attempting to be heard and believed when disclosing....which makes sense and is completely understandable....as long as there's a complete absence of male survivors offering up any perspective that's to the contrary.

But the fact that we live in a gendered society where rape culture, not rape itself, still very much IS gendered due to being a product of....living in a gendered society....means that the differences in how society treats and reacts to men and women affects every aspect of how society treats and reacts to men and women survivors. And that starts with disclosure itself. In my personal experience - and fully acknowledging that I don't speak for any other male survivor in this moment, and I absolutely do believe there are those who have experiences to the contrary, and that matters too - MY experience, which also matters, is that not once in the twenty years since I've started disclosing about my own rape, or the csa I experienced as a child - have I actually had an issue being believed.

With full acknowledgment of how unfair it is, how gross, the reality of living in a sexist, patriarchal society where male privilege very much exists, is that while men can be raped too, this traumatic thing that happened to us does not in any way actually invalidate or negate our male privilege. It doesn't turn it off for the duration of our experience or any time its relevant to our experiences going forward. We carry that privilege with us through our recoveries and the rest of our lives just as much as we did before it, because its an inalienable result of being in a society that allocates privilege solely on the basis of being born a man who identifies and presents as a cis man (with respect to trans individuals having another axis of experience that very much differentiates all matters pertaining to rape culture, in comparison to cis men, just as much as in the case of cis women, albeit in different ways).

And the gross unfortunate reality of our society is that it ALWAYS prioritizes believing men over women, in all matters......especially cis white men like myself.

So the simple fact is....even the act of disclosure - and the likelihood of being believed when voluntarily choosing to share the information that we've been raped - means that a cis white man like myself does not receive the same reaction as most women receive when attempting to share that same information. Society preconditions a lot of people to be more receptive to taking cis white men at their word, comparative to affording anyone else that basic respect.

Getting people to believe me when I say I was raped has never been the issue for me that other individuals face.

But that doesn't mean that my disclosure doesn't result in issues for me.

Because while being raped never invalidated or negated any of my cis white male privilege, neither did having cis white male privilege negate the possibility of me being raped - OR the fact that society ALSO preconditions people to be really fucking shitty about survivors.

(Hell, ANY kind of living victim....with this also being very relevant to abuse survivors, survivors of physical assault, etc. Much like people can be overflowing with empathy for unborn children who can't offer up any take to the contrary to whatever people want to say "in defense or support of unborn children," only to turn around and cease caring about most of those babies the second they're born, people tend to be just as overflowing with empathy for deceased victims of abuse, rape, assault and the like....who, y'know, also can't offer up any take to the contrary of whatever they say or claim about what they WOULD want, what they DO deserve, etc. Present those same people with a living child or a living victim who can and DOES have an opinion that doesn't match what those people feel it SHOULD be? Watch attitudes shift VERY quickly, as allllll that empathy hurriedly flushes down the drain as though it was never there).

But the point is, my cis white male privilege is always here regardless. But that doesn't mean rape culture isn't shitty enough that it can't find a way to circumvent even that in pursuit of discrediting/invalidating/ignoring survivors, just like that privilege can be circumvented in order to create the situation where a man is raped in the first place.

Its just....the gendered nature of rape culture means HOW those attempts to discredit/invalidate/ignore male survivors manifests.....doesn't look the same as when it leads to just outright disbelieving other survivors when they attempt to disclose.

And that is how I can be listened to and reblogged on most any other topic, no matter HOW I go about presenting myself in those posts or conversations - ironically in no small part BECAUSE of my cis white male privilege - while only getting crickets when I post on these topics, BECAUSE people only choose THOSE posts to make my presentation or level of intensity a dealbreaker, and thus their very reason for ignoring anything I have to say there. Not because they don't believe me, but because the WAY I say it is too aggressive, too biased, too emotional, too intense....its an attack on their autonomy, an attempt to override whatever they previously thought or believed about the subject and just force them to adhere to my take.

Because the thing about living in a sexist, patriarchal society is.....that IS a thing that cis white men often do, and a lot of society is structured to make it easier for us to achieve this in most instances, frankly. This just happens to be a rare exception, because for a lot of reasons that would make this post even longer - and that again, I've often posted about before - upholding and reinforcing rape culture on a society wide level supersedes the usual focus on accommodating INDIVIDUAL cis white men in having their opinions heard and circulated.

I'm trying to be as frank as possible here about the intersection of privilege and experiences of being a male survivor because I don't believe its to anyone's benefit to be disingenuous about it, and I do think that it doesn't actually supplant the fact that male survivors do have just as much right - and NEED - to be heard and listened to about our experiences with rape and perspective there, and have those ACKNOWLEDGED, as anyone else.

Its just....the existence of privilege and how that differentiates most experiences in a gendered society matters, and thus.....it needs to be part of the conversation rather than just treating all responses to rape and survivors as agendered, just because rape itself can and does happen to people of all genders.

There's actually a fair amount to get into when it comes to differences in a lot of mens' disclosures vs womens' in my experience, but just as an extension of what I'm talking about here, one of the specific elements in my experience is that men often don't have a problem being believed about having been raped or abused.....but one of the predominant responses is society is heavily preconditioned to view male rape and abuse survivors as almost inevitably feeling they need to exert a similar power over someone else in order to claim back their own feelings of pride and safety in their masculinity. Effectively.....most every male rape or abuse survivor I've ever talked with at length shares a similar experience of being believed when they disclose about being a survivor....but noting a clear and direct shift in how whomever they disclosed to interacts with them....with EVERY expression of anger or outrage - particularly in the matter of their rape or abuse - being viewed as evidence of us being ticking time bombs who are inevitably primed to explode and take out what happened to us on someone else.

There's being cautious around cis white men, for example, because we're cis white men, which I totally get and am not expressing an opinion on. I'm just saying even with that acknowledged, there is a SHIFT in how people interact with me after I've disclosed to them personally, in how they....scrutinize me, for lack of a better way of putting it, in very noticeable ways and areas. Like its consistent. And think about how its not totally true that media doesn't portray men as being capable of being raped or abused, typically. Think about how often you've seen procedurals where the backstory of the rapist or abuser of the week is specifically THAT they were a rape or abuse survivor themselves, usually in childhood. Its NOT that society doesn't believe or accept that men can be raped too. Its that society is primed to default to viewing the very act of men being raped as an indicator of the shift from them being a man to being a man who is likely to become a predator themselves.

Rape appears all the time in regards to male survivors in media. Its just it usually just appears in the context of men who arent presented AS survivors, but rather as predators or aggressors themselves, and their past victimization treated as a catalyst rather than a trauma. This is not to excuse any such character or depiction of course, its simply to emphasize that the very angle from which male survivorhood is approached in most contexts is different from that of other survivors. Just like the angle from which their survivorhood is approached is different from that of male survivors. And thus the issue most men have with disclosing in my experience is NOT that we're afraid we won't be believed....its that we're afraid once we disclose, we'll be viewed as inherently more dangerous because our victimization primes us to be that much more likely to inflict ourselves on others in some attempt to reclaim our masculinity.

And its categorically NOT about any group of survivors having it better or worse than others, which is why I LOATHE people saying variations of 'you wouldn't say that about this if it happened to a woman' because anyone attempting to pit male survivors against other survivors en masse is NOT doing so for my benefit or with my endorsement. The point is just that each way society and rape culture interacts with a different group of survivors presents different problems and issues that need addressing, and aren't interchangeable.

There is a REASON why the subject of Dick Grayson's anger - usually in the context of things that have happened to him - is so important to me, specifically in terms of ensuring that its treated as something he's allowed to have....rather than an indicator that he's going to messily explode his life in a way that impacts everyone around him negatively.

Now.....if you've never considered that aspect of rape vs rape culture and how it can differently affect and shape the experiences and recovery of cis male survivors versus trans male survivors and nonbinary survivors and survivors who identify as women.....I ask that you consider what else my perspective might be able to add to actually productive, meaningful conversations about rape, rape culture and survivorhood, that you never would have thought TO think about before, without male survivors bringing it up based on it having played a role in personal experiences.

And then I just ask that you please think about the implications of someone known for being a vocal presence in certain fandoms, with a fairly sizable number of posts widely circulating throughout them......never having posts about male rape and survivorhood circulated to any noticeable degree, despite writing DOZENS of them, in all kinds of different moods, ways and intensity levels.....and all of them while active in fandoms where male rape is regularly discussed or focused on due to certain characters or storylines......and ask yourselves if it maybe seems a little off for the disparity to be THAT large. Again: I have written DOZENS of posts on this topic. All with less than twenty notes. I'll be composing a masterlist of them in the near future as well, but for now I'm just saying. Please just think about that.

While I'm going to make an effort to be more deliberate in how I approach this topic in posts going forward, tonally and in terms of word choice, I do have a right to be just as passionate about it as any other topic, and it is FUCKED UP to think that my personal experiences here should be pointed to as the very REASON I should need to be LESS passionate than I am anywhere else, in order to be heard or listened to. Still. I am not actually trying to override anyone else's viewpoint, present myself as some kind of ultimate authority, or shut down other survivors in any way....I'm just trying to uphold the relevancy and importance of adding my own perspective to the conversation.

I don't want to be the only voice listened to here. But as long as my voice is relevant, and I don't see or hear a lot of other voices speaking from a similar standpoint, I would like to be a RESOURCE on topics of male survivorhood, rape and recovery, from that particular standpoint. And even if and when other male survivors might perchance add their own perspectives with experiences and takes contrary to mine....I welcome that! Because mine is not the only one, cis white male survivors are no more a monolith than anyone else, and none of that will in any way actually invalidate my own perspective or experiences or render them no longer relevant at all.

Being a resource on a topic that has always been everpresent in most fandoms I've gravitated to - which has often been a reason FOR me gravitating to those fandoms in specific.....that has always been my ONLY goal with these kinds of posts. NOT an authority.

So, having my posts - which for all my willingness to write them, has never been easy for me and probably never will - reframed in such a negative way, dismissed and even weaponized against me - has over the years demoralized me and made it harder to find the energy TO tackle these topics, as much as I'd like to. But I do feel that I've found a second wind when it comes to this and think I'm ready to wade back into being Overly Opinionated on these topics as well.

So that's the third of the three post series I'll be starting, "Kalen vs Topics of Rape, Rape Culture and Survivorhood As Perceived Through A Singular Personalized Cis White Male Lens, Presented By (and With) My Middle Finger At Any Attempts to Subvert Or Undermine My Thoughts On Them By Reframing Them As Me Trying To Gatekeep Male Survivorhood No Matter How Many Times I Use The Words IN MY EXPERIENCE or IN MY OPINION, Which I Do A Lot, Because This Has Been Happening For A Very Long Time, And I Am Tired, But Still Very Opinionated, And Still Very Here, So Bite Me I Guess."

.....I'm still workshopping that one's title. Its a process.

ANYWAY. At the moment, I'm aiming to make one post of each once a month, and if I do more than that great, but not trying to pressure myself to do any more than that at the moment in the interests of Realism. We'll play it by ear. If I have more free time or energy than expected, maybe I'll do more. Its not like I have a shortage of Very Opinionated Opinions, after all. You've met me.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So in the interest of not making this long ass post any fucking longer, not that anyone really expected otherwise from my first post back in months, like could I REALLY even claim to ACTUALLY be back if all I had to show for it was some weak little lackluster drabble that wasn't even 3,000 words? Methinks the fuck not -

Well, have an abrupt and anticlimactic finish that comes out of nowhere despite giving myself literally 4,900 words to build to something appropriately profound or meaningful or whatthefuckever. Y'know. Your standard Kalen Classic. The abrupt and anticlimactic wrap up I mean, not the profound and deeply meaningful one. Eh. You get it.

Did ya miss me? I missed you!

PS - I was Informed that we are almost to the end of Tommy T's Tenure, is it almost safe to come back to Nightwing comics? Does anyone know when his last issue is? Have we planned the party yet? Who's on balloons, we definitely need balloons.

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

Were we Gay-Baited? The Issue of Will and Byler/Byeler, a Discussion of Apophenia, Identification, and Empathy

I’ve been struggling with my own feelings since finishing Stranger Things 3. Curiously, I find myself being overcome with rage and disappointment, which isn’t how one is usually meant to feel about a TV show. It wasn’t a bad season by any means, though I do think it was the weakest of the three so far. The one biggest point I find myself stuck on is the treatment of Will Byers, not just as a character, but as a reflection of my own experiences and feelings. Identification happens all the time when we engage with fiction. Sometimes we are meant to do so, while other times it is due to how we interpret otherwise ambiguous aspects of a character or story. It’s an aspect of empathy, as we’re feeling the emotions (or at least what we believe to be the emotions) of a character.  I identified with Will back in Season 1. It looked like they were building, slowly, but surely, towards Will being gay, and I let myself build this idea that his struggles with the Upside Down and the Mindflayer were a metaphor for him coming to terms with these feelings he had for his best friend. I saw the Upside Down as an allegory for being in the closet. A dark, lonely, scary version of the real world. I don’t know if Barb was meant to be seen as a lesbian, but I latched onto that as support for my theory. It was after being left alone by Nancy that she is captured and killed by the Demogorgon. She felt alone and rejected, and subsequently was consumed by the despair that comes with hiding. Will, however, was able to get out due to the overwhelming love and support of his friends and family. Was I wrong to make this assumption? Possibly. Then Season 2 happened, and I don’t know what else we were meant to think.

For reasons we never really find out, at least in the show itself, Will finds himself being stalked by the Mindflayer roughly a year after escaping the Upside Down. This creature wants Will, and apparently only Will. The simple explanation, I suppose, is that it wants what it sees to be his. Will got away, the Mindflayer isn’t ok with that, and this all ensures that our main cast are at the center of the story. I read into it deeper though, which was probably a mistake. This happens during an election year, and Reagan signs are prominently displayed. The AIDS crisis was in full swing, and still mainly seen as a gay disease. Will still doesn’t feel safe, and doesn’t even fully understand how he feels. He flashes back into the Upside Down, feeling targeted and watched. Mike is generally able to pull him back out, and Will seems to seek out the safety of his best friend. Mike is the only one he trusts. Mike is safety, comfort, and unconditional love. He’s special, at least to Will. 

It is again love that saves Will. Joyce, Johnathan, and Mike get through to Will by sharing stories meant to express how they feel about Will. Joyce loves her son, and is proud of his rainbow ship. This was unnecessarily specific if it wasn’t meant to be gay coding. Johnathan shares the building of Castle Byers, Will’s safe haven, after their dad left, The same dad who would call Will a fag. We see Will start to waver, ever so slightly, as they start to reach him, but the kicker is when Mike starts. Mike shares the story of when they first met. He remembers it in surprising detail, and it’s the oldest memory out of the three so far mentioned. Mike is barely keeping himself together as he relates walking up to Will on the first day of kindergarten. He’s so overwhelmed by the memory himself, repeating that Will said yes to being his friend, as if he cherished it immeasurably, and goes on to say it was the best thing he’s ever done. Despite the Mindflayer’s control, Will himself is barely holding back tears at this moment and we see emotion on his face for the first time since being fully possessed. He’s able to start with the morse code. Mike is the one who ultimately broke through. I read this as him being the single most important person in Will’s life, but was it that, or was it simply that he was the last to speak? It’s hard to tell the intent here, especially as Mike’s attention leaves Will as soon as Eleven returns shortly thereafter. All we’re left with is a look at Mike when Will is asked to dance, and his fake smile faltering as he glances at Mike dancing with Eleven. More curious decisions that could be something, or may be nothing.

This brings us to Season 3, where my confusion, annoyance, and anger boil over more with each episode. We start with scenes that I felt did a good job showing an emotional conflict set up by the end of Season 2: how does Mike find room for both Will and Eleven? Mike is shown obsessively attached to Eleven, which is reasonable given his age and his fear of losing her again, and we also see him going to the movies with Will, Lucas, and Max. The latter scene is oddly double-date like, to the point where they don’t sit together, putting Mike and Will separate from Lucas and Max as if to highlight the two separate couples. Lucas and Max get some playful banter in (pretty much the last we see of their relationship this season), and Mike is shown still harboring concern for Will. I found it odd when Mike asked if Will was ok, as Will hadn’t really done anything unusual. The suggestion, at least to me, was that Mike is still paying close attention to Will, and this made sense, as he would have a fear of losing Will the same as he does with Eleven. After this we see Will mope over the amount of time Mike spends with Eleven, but he has no complaints about his other friends. His obsession over D&D is over the top and jarring, and very much out of character. He’s a fully fleshed out character with multiple interests, but all he wants to do is D&D, why? I don’t really have a great answer for that beyond it being bad writing just to set up a later scene. That brings us to their fight, which fully ignited my hopes that they’d continue this build-up.

Will loses it when Mike and Lucas seem to mock his campaign. They don’t really dislike it, they just aren’t engaged due to girl troubles. His anger, though, seems focused on Mike. Will feels betrayed, and laments his loss of the Party due to girls, but he never blames anyone but Mike, even though Lucas and Dustin are similarly focused on girls. He calls El a “stupid girl”, and that wouldn’t be unusual given the situation had we been shown any interactions between El and Will or given exposition to inform us that the two of them get along. Indeed, I got the impression that Will still hasn’t had any meaningful interactions with her, since it’s implied she’s constantly with Mike and only Mike. The only time we see her out with the Party, before the crisis begins anyway, Mike bails with her very quickly. Will resents El. She’s stealing Mike away from him. That’s how I saw it anyway, and I remember feeling that way many a time at that age. At this point, you might still be able to argue it was just Will mad he’s losing his best friend, but then that one line comes. “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!” 

This line could have been done in any number of other ways if the implication was anything other than Will is gay and has feelings for Mike (any maybe thought Mike might like him as well). Mike could have told Will he needs to grow up or that it’s not his fault Will doesn’t have a girlfriend. But, no, Will simply doesn’t like girls. Will’s reaction speaks volumes, despite him not being able to talk. Up to that point, Will had been jabbing Mike with accusations, but as soon as Mike says this he’s stone silent. Lips quivering and eyes watering, he stares at Mike in disbelief and fear. To his credit, Mike immediately realizes he crossed a line and softens his approach, something we never see him do when he fights with anyone else. The damage is done, however, and Will’s final words “I guess I did. I really did.” screamed of a breakup to me. Will thought it’d be him and Mike forever. He destroys Castle Byers in a rage, berating himself for being stupid. It’s no longer a safe haven for him, as it is filled with memories of his childhood. A childhood spent with Mike.

This whole scene is never addressed again by the two of them. Lucas is shut down in an attempted apology, and I saw this as Will not wanting an apology from him and not willing to discuss the situation. It still felt very aborted, as if that quick scene with Will and Lucas was meant to tell the audience that, nope, we��re not getting into that. He and Mike have no real significant interactions throughout the rest of the season, though Will is shown reacting negatively anytime Mike expresses his feelings for Eleven. Our attention is never really drawn to it, but it’s there. This takes us to the finale, where Mike’s goodbye to Will is oddly quick for friends as close as they were supposed to be. Mike expresses worry that Will would move on and replace him, and Will reassures him that such a thing would never happen. I like how they had Mike smile perhaps his most genuine smile of the season here, but it still felt odd. When they hug outside right before the end, it’s again quick and not indicative of the emotion that should be there. Will seems to linger in the hug a bit, but Mike staggers away to Eleven. Mike’s attention seems to be solely on Eleven as the Byers leave, though he glances back at the house that he shouldn’t really associate with her. The final scene is a near perfect mirror of Season 1 when he thought Will was dead. It was confusing, possibly intentionally so, but why? 

Mr. Clark brings up apophenia when speaking with Joyce. It’s the tendency for humans to spot patterns where there are none. As humans, we like for there to be explanations for everything. There are no coincidences, we just haven’t figured out how things fit together. Part of me wonders if this whole line of conversation was targeted at fans, such as myself, who read too deeply into Mike and Will’s relationship, and possibly Will’s possibly homosexuality. I could understand how it could be used to cast doubt on Joyce’s fears. However, it ends up having no real bearing on the plot, as Joyce is relatively quickly shown to be correct in her suspicions. 

In the end, I’m left to wonder if this whole idea of Will being gay, and possibly Mike and Will being subtextually written as a couple, was simply a case of apophenia. My empathy for Will and identification with him could have caused me to misinterpret things to fit my own personal experiences and unfulfilled adolescent wishes. The dissonance caused by what I thought and what I’m now seeing is what is causing my anger and disappointment. It’s having me relive what I felt so long ago where all I wanted was to see a boy like me happy on TV or in movies. I thought this was going to be what I never had, but, though we still have Season 4 yet to come, it looks like it was simply a case of seeing what we wanted to see. Still, the way they did it reeks of gay-baiting, and I feel used.

[lailaliquorice]

learned to travel light

big trigger warning for eating disorders and small self harm reference

this is a heavy one loves. being open, it’s pretty much four thousand words of projection which I’ve wanted to write for a long time and has been a little bit therapeutic to be honest. but please take the trigger warnings seriously, and anyone is so welcome to message me if they need to talk to someone. I poured my heart out into this one and I’m really proud of it but please take care of yourselves

my amazing sibling @jarneiarichardnxel wrote a character study from aragon’s point of view which offshoots from this which you can find here. abs I love you so much and thank you for always being up for our headcanon sessions <3

Anne was used to being told she was too much.

It was the epitome of everything she’d been criticised for in her old life: too loud, too opinionated, just too much for a queen. And somehow the comment occasionally followed through to this new life that she’d hoped so desperately would be a new fresh start. She was still too loud, still too opinionated, and too pushy on stage and constantly trying to make everything about her at the expense of her fellow queens. For the most part though, she could chalk those comments up to her just following the script since that was all people saw of her and not take them to heart too much.

But suddenly there was also the added ammunition of the twenty first century standards she’d suddenly found herself measured by. Suddenly it wasn’t just her personality that was too much. She was too tall, too awkward, standing out against the rest of the queens. It was enough to make her skin crawl whenever she put her costume and caught her reflection in the full length mirror.

Sat in her costume at the dressing room table after a show, a quick glance through social media while she got her breath back wiped the smile from her face as someone had thought to tag the show account in a hard hitting comment. ‘Saw six for the first time and honestly couldn’t stand boleyn after 5 mins. Idk how the other queens put up with her when the show’s over. And she sticks out like a sore thumb in that skimpy outfit.’

Shame burned at the back of her throat as she subconsciously covered the gap between her top and her skirt with one hand. Normally she loved her costume but in the space of a split second she felt uncomfortable with so much of herself on show, wishing she had a dress like Jane’s that didn’t leave her stomach and her arms and her legs so exposed.

“Oi! Cleves calling Boleyn, are you receiving?”

Anna’s shout made Anne jump in her seat, giving Anna a shaky smile as she laughed at her reaction. “Sorry Anna, in a world of my own there. Did you say something?”

“I said we’re all going to the pub for dinner when we’re changed, you coming?” Anna repeated.

Normally Anne would have nodded immediately, always eager to spend a night out with her friends after a tiring day. But her first thought instead went to the comments on her phone, the constant reminder of how she was too loud and too overbearing every time she refreshed the page. “Not tonight, gonna go home and go to bed early,” she said with a quick shake of her head.

Both Anna and Aragon looked surprised, but to Anne’s relief they didn’t comment on it. “Alright babes, get some rest,” Anna said, picking up her costume to take down to wardrobe before she left for the night. “Usual drill, let someone know you’re home and all that, alright?”

“Yeah,” Anne nodded, deliberately keeping her eyes trained on Anna so she didn’t have to meet Aragon’s concerned expression that she could feel boring into the side of her skull.

She looked back down at her phone as Anna left, waiting for Aragon to leave before she got changed into her own clothes since the thought of any more of her body being on view for scrutiny made her stomach knot. But she couldn’t keep avoiding Aragon when she walked over and leaned on the desk right next to where Anne was sitting. “Are you ok” she asked quietly.

Anne immediately plastered the most convincing smile she could muster on her face, desperately hoping that Aragon’s kind eyes couldn’t see through her mask. “Yeah, I’m fine, promise,” she said quickly, any gratitude for the concern quashed by her desperate wish that Aragon would leave her to her shame.

Aragon gave a nod of acceptance though her eyes betrayed her lack of conviction. “Alright. If you’re not having dinner with us then I’ve got some leftovers in the fridge from last night you can have,” she said, repeating Anna’s request that Anne let them know when she was home before she left and shut the dressing room door behind her.

The minute she was alone Anne sagged, not needing to keep up the pretence any longer. She closed her eyes for a moment, willing herself the energy to get up and go home and not just sit in her chair gathering dust until the next show, and after giving a tired huff she pushed herself up and started to take her hairpieces out. She deliberately kept her gaze towards the floor as changed out of her costume as fast as possibly but still managed to catch the odd glimpse of herself in the mirrors surrounding her and winced every time she did so.

Once home she did send a text to the group chat. But she didn’t eat Aragon’s leftovers.

~~~

The same pattern repeated itself several times more over the course of the next few weeks. It wasn’t only meals out, if a couple of the other queens were eating at the table together then Anne would come up with a hasty excuse to take her plate up to her room so she wouldn’t have to bother them by joining them. The more time progressed the fewer meals she would actually eat, more times than not just letting it go cold as she continued to distract herself with a tv show or something before emptying the plate into the bin once the others had gone to bed.

She didn’t know when the aim of her behaviour transitioned from avoiding mealtimes to avoiding meals themselves. The feeling of hunger became something she could fixate on to avoid thinking about how much she was burdening everyone. Having absolute control over her food felt like a lifeline after being so used to drifting uncontrollably through her past life dictated by others.

If she knew she had to be present for dinner then any thought of lunch would go out the window so she could compensate, and she’d spend the entire meal fidgeting in her chair and pushing food around her plate to distract from how little she was eating. She kept quiet for the most part so as not to bother the others with her presence but made sure she was chatty whenever someone spoke to her, desperately making sure that no-one picked up on anything she didn’t want them too. That no-one picked up on the fact that those mealtimes made her so anxious she wanted to cry.

When the hunger kept her up at night she distracted herself with the thought that she was doing everyone a favour. If everyone thought she was too much then she would make herself smaller; smaller emotionally, smaller physically, small enough that no-one could criticise her anymore.

It was only a few weeks before she started seeing changes whenever she could bear to look in the mirror. And as she stared at her reflection, hollow cheeks and angular shoulders and visible collarbones, she couldn’t quite make up her mind whether it scared her or not.

So she kept going.

The biggest change in her after noticing those results was that the usually cuddly and clingy Anne couldn’t bear the idea of anyone touching her anymore. It wasn’t the fear of being touched itself – secretly she still craved that as much as she refused to admit it to herself – it was the fear of anyone else noticing something different about her body. She knew that what she could see in the mirror had to be noticeable beneath other people’s hands, which was a risk she couldn’t take.

Shrinking beneath Anna patting her on the shoulder and wriggling out from Cathy’s arm around her or Jane and Kat’s hugs felt like an arrow to her own heart, but she knew she had to do it. What hurt the most though were the shadows of worry in Aragon’s eyes whenever she watched Anne doing so. The thought that she was disappointing Aragon above anyone else felt infinitely worse than she had ever expected it to.

She’d noticed Aragon keeping a close eye on her more and more as time and habits progressed, bringing her to try avoiding Aragon’s watchful gaze whenever humanely possible in an attempt to throw her off. But she knew that she couldn’t hide forever.

Anne was sat at the table in the kitchen that evening, elbows rested on the tabletop and head hanging between hunched shoulders. She’d done her usual routine of pretending to take her dinner upstairs but not taking a mouthful and emptying the plate as soon as everyone had gone to bed, but an unexpected wave of dizziness and exhaustion had left her near-collapsed on a chair with her empty plate next to her. Her breathing was heavy as she tried to ignore the dark spots in her vision, heart beating a panicky rhythm at the thought of someone walking into the kitchen and seeing her in that state.

Sure enough, the sound of someone coming down the stairs was followed by the kitchen light being flicked on and a soft gasp as she was spotted. Anne screwed her eyes shut as the footsteps continued towards her, knowing it was too late to make a run for it now even if she thought her shaking knees would be able to carry her up two flights of stairs.

“Anne?”

It was Aragon. Anne hardly responded to the sound of her name being called, just winced slightly when she placed a gentle hand on Anne’s arm after sitting down beside her. “Anne, what’s going on?”

Anne couldn’t make herself answer for a couple of seconds, her mind too occupied by the emptiness in her stomach and her unsteady breathing and the fear that Aragon could feel every bone in her shoulderblade. “Nothing’s going on, I’m fine,” she answered, but even she could hear the weariness in her voice.

“Don’t.” Aragon’s tone was firm yet gentle as she shook her head, and when she removed her hand from Anne’s shoulder Anne managed to look round and just about meet her gaze. “Don’t say that. I know something’s wrong. There’s things I’ve noticed that aren’t ok and I’m worried about you.”

She might have continued to push Aragon away if it wasn’t for that last comment. It was the first indication she’d been given that what she was doing to herself wasn’t better for the other queens, that they might have possibly been happy with her the way she was. Even while the louder voice in her mind shoved that idea away almost immediately, she couldn’t help the shaky “What?” that escaped her lips.

Even with the forgiveness in Aragon’s voice softening the blow, Anne couldn’t help but feel as if she was being read out a list of her crimes. “You’re quieter, you look exhausted all the time, you don’t have the same energy during the show that you used to. And while the others all think you’re just having an off few weeks, I think I know what the cause of it might be.”

Anne was silent as she watched Aragon tap the plate that was still sat like a barrier between them.

“Back in the time following Arthur’s death I was kept here to wait for Henry to come of age,” Aragon started after a long pause. Anne wondered briefly why there was such a note of hesitation in her voice and glimmer of fear in her eyes, but that was answered as soon as she continued. “I was a pawn for both our fathers; I had no control over my life and my future. So I took control over one of the few things I had the power too.”

“Food,” Anne said quietly, filling in the blank where she paused.

Aragon gave a single nod. “I fasted excessively during those years. I believed it would bring me closer to God, hoped that He would be more inclined to answer my prayers and secure my future. It became an obsession with surviving on as little food as I could and I welcomed the suffering it caused me, since like many I believed that pain brought me closer to Christ.”

She broke off with a rough sigh before adding “but I did suffer. I made myself ill for most of those seven years; stomach pains, fevers, cold sweats, headaches and dizzy spells.” After another pause to let her words sink in, she asked “Do some of those sound familiar?” as she looked into Anne’s eyes.

“Mhm,” Anne hummed almost silently. Now that she knew Catherine understood what was going through her head she didn’t try to pretend otherwise.

“I thought so,” Aragon said, reaching out to take Anne’s hand in hers as she continued. “And that’s why I want to help you. Because I know how much of a vicious cycle this is and how hard it is to break out of it. I could never eat properly for the rest of my life after I let it go on for so long and I don’t want that for you. We want the old Anne back who comes out with us and dances around and smiles more, we miss you.”

Clearing her throat almost embarrassedly, she finished with a mumbled “I, err, I miss you.”

Staring at their conjoined hands, Anne couldn’t quite work out who’s hand was trembling the most. Hers, from lack of food, or Catherine’s.

“I’m fine though,” she heard herself saying before she was fully aware of it, pulling her hand from Aragon’s and moving to stand from her chair. She almost pitched over sideways as her head spun for a second, but she refused to let herself accept the hand held out to steady her and instead caught herself on the kitchen counter. “I know what I’m doing. I’m not gonna let myself get sick or anything. I just… I’m better this way, alright? I’m not too much anymore and that’s better for everyone.”

“Anne, please-“

“No!” she choked out in a tone nearing hysteria, hot tears threatening to spill as she backed away from the temptation of Aragon’s help. She was better how she was, she had to keep telling herself that. “Thank you, really, but I don’t need anyone’s help.”

She couldn’t look at Aragon’s expression before turning tail and sprinting up the stairs towards her room, throwing herself onto her bed as she sobbed with self-hatred and guilt.

Aragon’s words kept playing over and over throughout the mostly sleepless night, keeping Anne awake with longing for that lifeline she’d been thrown and regret for how she’d essentially chucked it back in Aragon’s face. Part of her wanted to keep pushing onwards, still convinced that she was doing the right thing and making the right choice, but the voice in her head screaming for her to stop was speaking up again after months of being silenced. It was enough to keep her up for hours, only dozing off as the first hints of dawn peeked in from under her curtains and jolting awake as her alarm blared barely a few hours later.

She avoided Aragon like the plague the next day as much as it hurt her, feeling more like she was missing something the further away they were. But Anne couldn’t deny that something from Aragon’s conversation had clicked in her mind since she realised during their warmup how tired she already felt, how little conversation she joined in with in the dressing room, and how loosely her skirt sat around her hips when it had once hugged her waist comfortably.

Suddenly she found herself disliking her body for a new reason entirely.

The dregs of exhaustion clung on as the day progressed, and somehow the nap she took between the shows left her feeling even more groggy and spaced out than she’d done after finishing the matinee. While waiting behind the curtain before the evening show a sudden spell of dizziness had her sagging onto Anna’s throne for a moment as her legs threatened to give up on her again, ignoring the worried looks that Kat and Jane both sent her. She was fine. She could make it through the show, she couldn’t let her friends down like that.

And she was right, but only just.

She vaguely realised as Jane’s section of the megasix was transitioning into Anna’s that she’d stopped singing at some point and hadn’t even realised it, her mouth forming the words but not a single sound coming out. She managed to keep dancing though, making sure she was at the back of the group so that the audience would focus on the rest of the queens and not notice anything was wrong. Her normally shouted ‘Beheaded!’ was barely a squeak as she realised her sight was blurring again and it was nothing to do with the stage lights.

Straightening up after taking a bow made her head spin so much that she thought she was going to fall over there and then. Black static spotted around her vision and her legs felt like cotton wool as she realised she needed to get off stage immediately.

Dancing around with the other queens before they left the stage was forgotten when the music kicked back in, taking full advantage of her position at the end of the line to make a stumbling exit.

She didn’t make it more than two steps into the wing before her vision turned to black and she fell, legs folding underneath her as she hit the ground hard and didn’t get up.

~~~

A couple of hours later found Anne curled up on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around her

Her soft cries went unheard and tears unseen in the dark room, since she’d made no indication to the other queens that she was awake yet. She could hear them all talking in the kitchen through the connecting wall, unable to pick out any individual words though she could still sense the tension in the conversation just by the quiet and strained way they were all talking.

Guilt twisted at her stomach when she realised she’d done that. She’d created that worry, she’d put herself in danger despite Aragon’s warning, she’d let them down.  

She could still see their terrified faces as she’d come round from fainting as if they were burned into her mind. Aragon’s eyes were the first she saw since she cradled Anne’s head in her lap to keep her off the unforgiving floor, with Jane and Kat each gripping onto one of her hands and Anna and Cathy crouched beside them. The sheer volume of love and sorrow in their expressions had been too overwhelming to look at as she turned her face into Aragon’s lap to hide her tears, too weak to protest as she was picked up like she was lighter than a feather and carried away from the stage.

As the hall light flickered on and footsteps left the kitchen she hid her face in her blanket this time, expecting that someone would check on her and not wanting them to catch her crying yet again that day. She’d hardly stopped during the journey home, bundled into a taxi and squashed in between Kat and Cathy with their legs pressed up against hers. Normally it was Cathy who was always forced to sit in the middle since she was the smallest queen by far, and the fact that Anne was now sat in her place somehow drove her reality home again just like her ill-fitting costume had done earlier that day.

The living room door being pushed open spilled light into the room, illuminating Anne’s damp cheeks despite the blanket pulled up to her nose. “Oh sweetheart,” sighed Jane’s soft voice, closing the door and turning on one of the lamps to fill the room with a warm glow.

Anne scrambled to sit up as Jane moved to sit beside her, keeping the blanket wrapped around her as if it could shield her from the conversation she knew was coming. She was almost surprised that it wasn’t Aragon there since she’d spoken to her the night before and had the best idea of what she was going through, and that thought drove her to blurt out “Is Catherine mad at me?” before Jane had a chance to speak.

“Of course she isn’t love,” Jane said soothingly, the assuredness in her face calming Anne’s fear. “She looked exhausted so I told her to get some rest. None of us are angry at you, we’re just all so worried.”

She didn’t react at first, just felt slightly uncomfortable at the idea of everyone worrying so much about her. None of them deserved that.

A minute of comfortable silence passed, before Jane turned to face her and began the conversation she’d been dreading. “Anne, love, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be as honest as you can be, alright? I’m not going to be disappointed at anything you tell me, I just want you to be honest,” she said, waiting for Anne to give the tiniest nod before she asked “Have you eaten anything today?”

“A bit,” Anne said truthfully, though what might have once been a defensive tone of voice was reduced to a quiet mumble. “I had breakfast, and I had a something between the shows. I didn’t not eat anything.”

“But that’s never going to keep you going for two shows love. Our food is our fuel, and you can’t perform while running on empty.”

Anne didn’t have the words to comment on that, still trapped in a mindset where she wasn’t ready to confirm it but didn’t have the strength to deny it anymore. Instead she just asked “What were you all talking about in the kitchen earlier?” while rubbing beneath her eyes with a rough hand.

Jane seemed to pause for a moment as if trying to find the right words to start with. “We were speaking about you but I promise it was nothing bad at all. Catherine told us a few things that she was worried about and we were discussing how we might be able to help you. Because we want to help you sweetheart, if you’ll let us.”

There was something about the pleading look in Jane’s eyes and the gentle offer in her words that made Anne crack at long last. Months’ worth of anguish poured out as she sobbed into her hands, before Jane wrapped her up into a hug and Anne clung onto her with all the strength she had left in her worn-down limbs. Jane whispered soft assurances in her ear as she shuddered and shook within her embrace, rubbing Anne’s back comfortingly with one hand as she held her close while she cried.

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” Anne choked out after a while, pulling back a little to look at Jane through red-rimmed eyes. “I hate it so much, I thought I was making things better but it’s so much worse. And I don’t know what do to. I want help, I just need help.”

“We’re here to help you love, we’re here and we’re not going to let you get worse, I promise,” Jane said, reaching out to push a strand of dark hair away from Anne’s face and gently wipe the tears streaming down one cheek.

Anne nodded, letting Jane pull her back in to rest against her with her head resting on her chest. Jane was soft and comfy and everything that Anne wasn’t with all her sharp angles and bony joints – if Jane was mum shaped then Anne was skeleton shaped, she realised with a tang of bitterness on her tongue. She was still at war with herself over how she felt towards her body, half of her looking at the changes with relish and the other half with disgust, but with the day she’d had she was leaning very firmly towards the latter.

But those thoughts all quietened down as Jane held her close despite how Anne knew she could probably feel the outline of her ribs and hip with the hand on Anne’s waist. A fresh wave of exhaustion crashed over her and she tried to lift her head against the sudden tiredness, though gave up when Jane let out a soft chuckle and stroked a hand over her hair. “You can sleep love, it’s alright,” she whispered, giving Anne the permission she needed to close her eyes. “You’re safe now, tomorrow is a new start and we’re all here beside you.”

It was a scary prospect, challenging the habits that had become her safety net over the last few months. But she was tired of pushing herself into a mould that was too small for other people’s satisfaction. The faintest hint of a smile graced her features as she slipped into sleep and waited for her brighter dawn.

[avvidstarion]

For the album ask game... how about The Black Parade?

oh ABSOLUTELY. i LOVE you. this is all subject to change at the drop of the hat bc im wishy-washy and i love all of these songs anyway so

this got WAY too long so i am putting it under a readmore shhvkldlkdgjlkdsj

not including b-sides:

1. Teenagers- kind of a basic pick i know, BUT, in my defense, the song slaps. it’s such a fun song, especially when you’re singing it at the top of your lungs. the guitar part is super cool too- im trying to learn it rn but it’s a slow process bc im bad at guitar.

2. Mama- what can i say. it fucks. the old time-y feel, the harmonies/background vocals, the layers. the guitar goes so fucking hard. banging lyrics- “you should’ve raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son”??????? songs to be trans to.”but the shit that i’ve done with this fuck of a gun” is the kind of lyric that you can only properly convey if you’re screaming it at the top of your lungs. the whole ending is just. mind blowing

3. The End.- LISTEN!!!!!!!!! the end is WAY TOO FUCKING UNDERRATED!!!! oh my goddd i love it so much. i love it SO much. it’s such a perfect beginning to the song. the lyrics are great (”now come one, come all, to this tragic affair” if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me”, “another contusion, my funeral jag. here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag. you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up, i want to be NOTHING AT ALL!!! SAVE ME!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! SAVE ME!!! TOO YOUNG TO DIE, AND MY DEAR!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST WALK AWAY AND TAKE ME!!). the bit with the snapping and the ooooohs is fun too. such a good song, it could honestly be 1 or 2 but my ranking system isnt based in logic and makes no sense to even myself

4. House of Wolves- house of wolves was my favorite mcr song for a good chunk of time, but as a result i’m kinda burned out on it, which is why it isn’t higher.  however it is still number four  because it’s objectively a fucking amazing song. the guitar is so fuckin fun, the lyrics are great, and it’s just. fun to dance around and sing it at the top of your lungs. you better run like the devil cause they’re never gonna leave you alone!!!!! tell me i’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man!!!

5. Welcome to the Black Parade- the big man itself. the titular song. their biggest hit. a lot of people shit on wttbp for being popular and, like, pretty much the only song of theirs to ever be on the radio anymore (and even then it’s once in a blue moon), BUT. it got popular for a reason. it’s a really good song. i love the structure of it, i love how it builds and builds and builds. the lyrics are wonderfully done- “a world that sent you reelin from decimated dreams/ your misery and hate will kill us all”, the whole “do or die, you’ll never make me” stanza is The Ultimate rallying cry. and the “im just a man, i’m not a hero” is just. ughghghdlkslakdjglsdkg. the titular song of an album entirely about death and dying and misery being SO hopeful and SO upbeat really portrays the album as a whole much differently- mcr is known as The Emo Band because, yeah, their aesthetic is dark and their songs touch dark stuff but they have never been all whiney and boo-hoo-y and melancholic for the sake of melancholy. there’s always been a positive note to their music and a lot of people just don’t get that which makes me sad. anyway. wttbp is fun and i like it and i like the drums and the trumpets at the end. marching bands fuck

6. Blood- ok so the pattern here seems to be that i favor the fun songs over the slow ones, and blood sticks with that. much like with mama, i love the old time-y feel. i love that this is like a fun little bonus ditty to end the album on. the lyrics are silly and fun and jovial, and the piano is great. love it and it makes me happy

7. Disenchanted- OUGHH. OUUUUUGH. i know cancer is objectively the saddest song on the album, but disenchanted just hits different. “when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen/ i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene” just DECIMATES me, man. the acoustic guitar is a nice change of pace, and the vocal performance is just. so fucking emotional. especially the “woahhhhhhhh-ohs” at the end. great song, makes me Feel Emotions

8. The Sharpest Lives- ok so i know this is pretty much in the middle of the list, but i want to stress that i dont hate any of the songs on this album, so even the middle of the list is pretty fuckin good imo. the sharpest lives makes me go batshit.  the lyrics are so fucking wild. “a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” is SO fuckin sick like OH my god. what a line. also “there’s a place in the dark where the animals go/ you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow/ juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/ drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo” like WHAT?????????????? GERARD POPPED OFF W THIS ONE FOLKS!! also i love how at the beginning the whisper-y vocals bounce from ear to ear. also “so why don’t you blow me......a kiss before she goes” is fuckin hilarious. honestly this song should be higher but i havent gone through a phase where i’ve been obsessed w it yet so it stays down here for now. one day it will take hold and be all i can listen to for a month straight and THEN it will climb the ranks. 

9. Cancer- makes me cry like a liddol baby. my mom doesnt let it play in the car cause it makes her too sad. twenty one pilots covered it and it was FUCKING AWFUL so the song is kinda ruined now cause i can only think about their shitty cover. like the AUDACITY. but anyway besides that the song is heart wrenching and amazing. the hardest part of this is leavin you!!!!

10. Dead!- look, i know technically the end. and dead! are the same song/ are just continuations of each other but i’m listing them separately bc dead! is, to me, the worse of the two. not that it’s bad or anything, it just doesn’t pop off the same way the end. and all the songs before it on the list do. however i do love the guitar at the beginning and the solo, and the “one! two! one two three four! LA LA LA LAs” are super fucking fun. 

11. Famous Last Words- i used to hate this song!!!! i truly did!! it’s obvs not on the top of my list now or anything, but i have grown to appreciate it a lot more than i used to. like with wttbp, it is the silver lining of the album that betrays its optimistic side. it’s a happy final message to a dark album. the ending is fucking amazing. I am not afraid to keep on living!!!! i am not afraid to walk this world alone!!!!!!

12. Sleep- Sleep is, unfortunately, just kinda boring in comparison. i almost forgot to even put it on the list. however, i do like the “the hardest part’s the awful things that i’ve seen” and the “a drink, for the horrors that i’m in. for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that i’ve been” lines. also the “three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy!” line. but overall it’s just. eh

13. This is How I Disappear- i have. complicated feelings on tihid. on one hand, it reminds me of my favorite oc, re, and is on their playlist. on the other hand, i have grown bored with it over time. it just doesn’t stand out to me at all really. that being said, i do really like the “who walks among the famous living dead” and the “can you hear me cry out to you” stanzas. 

14. I Don’t Love You- while i dont think idly is a bad song at all, it just simply isnt my kind of song. i do think gerard’s vocals are extremely strong throughout, especially during the “when you go, would you have the guts to say/ i don’t love you like i loved you yesterday” line. like wow ok maam please continue. but overall i just dont vibe w breakup songs bc i cant relate

including b sides: 1. Heaven Help Us

2. Kill All Your Friends

3. Everything else

4. My  Way Home is Through You

my reasoning: 

heaven help us is tied for my favorite mcr song Of All Time. everything about this song is catnip for lil old me. the angsty christian imagery, the vocals, the guitar. all of it. the lyrics make me lose my mind, especially the “will you pray for me? or make a saint of me? and will you lay for me? or make a saint of- cause i’ll give you all the nails you need/cover me in gasoline/ wipe away those tears of blood again/ and the punchline to the joke is asking ‘SOMEONE SAVE US’” and the “you don’t know a thing about my sins/ or the misery begins/ you don’t know, so i’m burnin! I’m burnin!!!” parts. like i absolutely vibe with this song so fucking hard. i sing it constantly, it’s great to sing (very stimmy for me), it sounds beautiful. i am obsessed with it through and through

similarly, kill all your friends also speaks to my very soul. i can’t pick favorite lyrics bc id just have to copy and paste the whole song. i love the build-up, i love the time progression throughout the song (it’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since i’ve been seein your faaaaaace rounnnnnd heeeere), i love the “you’ll never take me alives”. literally everything about this song makes me emo. it just Gets Me. it’s literally about my greatest fear. all my friends growing up and moving away and getting on with their lives without me, leaving me to rot in my hometown waiting for them to return. we only see each other at weddings and funerals, so it’s time to kill all your friends so we can party when the funeral ends!! it’s probably tied with heaven help us, but i’m putting it at number two just because it didn’t hook me as strongly as hhu did. it’s more of a strong, steady favorite than a “this song has latched on to my very soul and i have to listen to it on repeat over and over and over again”, if that makes sense. it’s still in my top 5 mcr songs though

i never vibed with my way home is through you. i don’t listen to it often, and i just don���t really feel it. it’s not bad, it’s just. eh.

anyway if you’ve read this far down i love you so much. thank you for listening to me ramble, mcr means a lot and i love to infodump about my music tastes. i really really appreciate being given an opportunity to do so <3

[sierratheory]

“Like i don't trust sierra bc of the time she came into Luke's life...” that entire ask but vice-versa too!!! people have said sierra dated dylan from flor and now her old roommate karsen too? as with luke, where was her time being single and figuring herself out before jumping into a new relationship? the twitter likes reminded me of how luke & sierra only see “jealousy” and “misogyny” as a h8ters only reason, which isn’t true 😔

Part 2 It's like they're still letting the other person know they're wrong but the difference is that it doesn't hit them. Why does it cause an overly emotional response and a giant need to prove they are wrong? it's a truth the person has been avoiding/ignoring. Luke or any person don't see the truth, they really don't even though deep down they know it is true (this is why emotional abuse is so dangerous and the victim "can't just leave")

Part 3 and that's why getting defensive and simply defending yourself are two different things. I'd like to point what that anon said about Luke's likes missing the point of what was said and this anon called him a 'dumb asshole' (lol) because he's missing the point. Well he may not realise it but he's missing the point "on purpose" his brain is making him miss the point in order to keep the fantasy that the points that were made aren't factual and are actually offensive (sexism)

Part 4 I swear I could write a book explaining every little behaviour he's adopting but what I really want to point out is that I understand everyone's frustration and regardless of what he's going through, Luke should be held responsible for his actions but we can and should emphasize because he's not fine. I'm saying this because he is following a very worrying pattern and even though Arzaylea was a much worse person than Sierra is,

Part 5, Luke is currently in a worse situation MENTALLY and I know this may cause some confusion and I can explain with more details why I'm saying this but it doesn't necessarily have to do with Sierra. I'm not saying she's not toxic. I do believe she's toxic but she's not nearly as toxic as Arzaylea. The difference is the timing. If Luke had dated Sierra first and Arzaylea later things would be much much worse.

Part 6 Luke was in a very vulnerable place, he was really hurt and he got a taste of what a mentally stable, caring, loving partner is like in Sierra. And I'm not saying these are traits that Sierra has or not. But when you get out of a toxic relationship, when you're at your worst a little love, or sense of love can feel like the best thing in a world. Basically it's an "issue" with the rewarding system in your brain. Very typical in people who go through this kind of situations

Part 7 that's why it is recommended to see a therapist or stay away from relationship because this rewarding system can fix itself and go back to normal or you might need some help. It all depends on how you deal with the situation. Some people get over traumatic experiences quickly and some need time and help. Anyway to keep it simple and short: Luke knew for sure (based on my little knowledge and his behaviour) that Arzaylea wasn't good to him but he was in love and he was making excuses to

Part 8 believe she loved him back (maybe she did love him back but had mental issues, drug addiction, I don't know, I can't judge) but he didn't have the time to heal. He's aware of his past relationship being toxic but I don't think he's aware of the effects it had on his mental health. He shows severe signs of being someone who still carries some luggage. Let me explain, I'm sure he's aware of how awful Arzaylea was and that he did him wrong and he deserves better.

Part 9 but for example, if arzaylea told him constantly that he didn't defend her enough, if she guilt trapped him because of it, if she threatened to leave him or blamed him for her mental issues/breakdowns he's most likely still carrying it with him and that's one of the reasons why he's desperately trying to make it right with this one relationship. It's something that's internalised. So yes maybe Sierra doesn't do much wrong compared to Arzaylea and actually maybe Sierra is like

Part 10 'dang I hate this thing someone said' but that's enough for Luke's brain to make a click, bring back the memories, the trauma and go into overdrive. This is an example but can be used to explain why Luke's trying so hard with Sierra compared to Arzaylea. Another thing that makes this relationship "worse" imo is that Luke's perception of reality wasn't accurate when he started his relationship with Sierra because of Arzaylea and now that little bit of love he feels like he receives is

Part 11 just wow and to him it is what real love feels like this is why your sense of personal worth should never depend on somebody else. And now he strongly believe that despite everything that goes wrong in his relationship, that little 1 thing that's going well is more than enough. he's never had that much so his fighting to keep it because it is sad but it's the most loved he's ever felt and he doesn't see why he could deserve more or how it could get better because to him, thats everything

Wheew, this was a trip to put together. You really did write me a book here, anon. But I completely understand what you’re trying to say. I come from a really abusive family, and even now I have issues where I’ll ask my bf if he’s mad at me and he’s like “you didn’t do anything, why would I be mad at you??!” Becuase I’ve been trained to think I’ve done something wrong if someone’s behaviour changes. And while I agree with most everything you said, I don’t think Sierra is unaware of Luke vulnerability due to the Larzaylea fuck show. That being said, I’m not sure if Sierra dated anyone between Alex and Luke. I don’t believe the roommate story, and none of the other mods do either. There’s no evidence behind it. I don’t know who the other guy is so I can’t speak to that. But she did have a lot more time between her and Alex’s breakup and her and Luke’s relationship beginning. Keep in kind she was still touring with Alex after they broke up, and that could have stunted any healing, but I truly can’t say. Time doesn’t always heal everything. And again I can’t speak to that break up, but I think it says a lot that she went on to drag his name during an interview after. As we’ve seen recently with Selena Gomez, she said she always kept quiet about her personal life out of respect. She wouldn’t even air out dirty laundry in her songs, and eventually she decided that her story was worth being told and she didn’t need to stay silent to protect those who hurt her. But she didn’t give an interview painting herself as an angel and throwing exes under the bus. And I think it says a lot that Sierra immediately went to the media, and even since that Alex has stayed mum on the subject.

I agree with the psychological damage points, and that Luke is likely overcompensating, if the relationship is real. Which in all honesty I’m leaning more towards as time goes on, but I’m still convinced even if they do like/love/whatever each other, modest! has some heavy handed access/control over it. And that could be perhaps to avoid a repeat of the Larzaylea mess, maybe they made Sierra sign a NDA, but I digress. Luke may also be convinced that because he didn’t defend Arzaylea, fans thought he didn’t care about her or was a bad boyfriend. It could have very easily been Arzaylea saying “hey you don’t defend me so you don’t love me, or fans see it as you don’t think I’m important enough to defend” etc. I don’t think Sierra is necessarily a bad person, while I’m entirely convinced Arzaylea was a shit-tier human being.

That being said, I do think she’s very aware that she is manipulating Luke, and taking advantage of the psychological damage Arzaylea did. I think that damage also makes him easier to manipulate or control and let me explain why.

TW - ALCOHOLISM, SUICIDE, VERBAL & PHYSICAL ABUSE

My dad was an alcoholic, and he committed suicide when I was very young. Because my mum left him, because he was becoming more abusive. Unfortunately instead of being the wake up call she wanted it to be, he shot himself and left her a note that said “I hope you got what you wanted”. Now, needless to say, this fucked my mum up really bad. She has never recovered. She has thrown all her emotions into a box, she is very clinical and doesn’t let her emotions control her. Which can be good sometimes but she’s very distant and cold. That being said, my mum married my step dad about 6 years after my bio dad passed away. She was not healed, let me tell you. She never sought counselling and is not on any sort of medication. My step dad was like the perfect man, before they got married, he cooked, he cleaned, and he was okay with the fact she had two young kids, one in elementary school and one just starting high school. But after they got married and he had control, oh everything changed. He isolated her from all of her friends and even her family. He was and still is verbally abusive and on occasion he can be physically abusive, but it’s rare. To her and all of his kids, including my sister and I. If he doesn’t get his way he throws a tantrum, calls everyone awful names and says awful things. He needs to control everything. While I love my step dad because he helped raise me, he is a controlling abusive person. And while he has a lot of psychological damage himself I’m not going to get into that, but know that he has a kind heart, and he does love my mother and he would die for her. But when he loses his temper he says horrible things. And he knows about the abuse my mum suffered at the hands of my bio dad, and how she has never healed. My bio dad told my mum she couldn’t cook, and if she ever left him he’d get the kids even though he was a raging alcoholic, couldn’t hold down a job AND she was doing all the child care on top of a full time job. Like she had the daycare ladies prepared to call 911 if we didn’t show up at daycare when she was out of town for work, but I’m off track here. The point I’m trying to get to is my step dad would abuse my mum, and use things my bio dad did or said to her, to hurt her more. An example of this is, if my mum tried to walk away during one of my step dads yelling fits, he would say “yeah, walk away just like you did with [my bio dad’s name]”. Because he knows she blames herself for leaving him, and she thinks his death was her fault. My step dad knows my mum will never leave him, because of what my bio dad did when she left. He could burn their house down around them and she wouldn’t leave.

With that story I would like to say, please don’t judge my mum or either of my dads. You don’t know the whole story and I don’t want to share all of it. I’m using it as an example because I know it well.

The point in trying to make here, is one it’s very VERY common for people to go from one abusive relationship to another. Because abusers can recognize the signs of a victim, and those who were abused, when treated with even a small amount of love, or kindness often see it as a very big deal. They tend to think they are worthless or don’t deserve it, as they’ve been told many times over. Two, believe it or not, being abused before can make people more susceptible to being abused again. This is because of the reasons mentioned above, they think they are worthless, or are wooed by very small acts, or both. And three, that the new partner can and often will use personal things about the abuse they suffered from someone else, to control or hurt their partner more, becuase they know it’s already a deep seated pain. And while I’m not saying Sierra is for sure 100% doing this, it is very easily a possibility and she could be doing some of it without knowing. Just because a year, or 5 or 10 have gone by doesn’t mean the person has healed, and sometimes new partners open old wounds. This has been a whole TEDtalk sorry y’all. Also disclaimer if anyone comes into the ask box saying rude things about my family it will be deleted and you will be blocked.

[italynt]

If you want a primer in regards to what’s going on in Italy, in terms of restarting the Serie A season, then here’s a good article to read.

Here’s an overview of everything that’s been going on from James Horncastle at The Athletic:

It’s now almost two months since Sassuolo striker Francesco Caputo celebrated his goal against Brescia by lifting up his jersey to reveal the message “Stay at Home” on a T-shirt underneath.

It feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it? So how close are we to football resuming in Serie A?

What is the situation in Italy now?

Last weekend, Italy’s Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte announced the government is ready to begin the next phase of easing the country back to normality. Aspects of lockdown will be relaxed on May 4 allowing 4.5 million people to go back to work. Citizens will have freedom of movement within their own region. Restaurants and bars will be able to deliver takeaway. Exercise in parks and even a dip in the sea is permitted as long as social-distancing guidelines are respected. But the new decree has not escaped criticism. Opposition parties think the government is still being too cautious. Some regions like the Veneto are breaking ranks and lifting measures earlier than others. Bishops are protesting the ban on public masses and football feels it is being unfairly treated.

Why does football feel victimised?

Well, individual athletes like swimmers, cyclists and sprinters can return to training next Monday. Team sports will have to wait at least until May 18 and only if the protocol passes muster with the government’s scientific committee. This has sparked controversy because footballers cannot even train on their own or at a distance from each other within the controlled environment of a deep-cleaned training facility. What they can do is go for a jog or a workout in the local park — where members of the public may be inclined to approach them in breach of social distancing rules. “So we’ll have Ciro Immobile and Edin Dzeko in Villa Borghese and Lorenzo Insigne on the Caracciolo boardwalk,” scoffed Lazio owner Claudio Lotito.

It doesn’t make any sense. Many of the clubs are exasperated. The players’ union (AIC) said in a statement it was “perplexed and surprised” by a decision it considers “illogical” and “discriminatory”. Serie A stopped earlier than the other top five leagues. It has more fixtures to fulfil and stands to lose £620 million if the season isn’t brought to a close. La Repubblica quoted Napoli’s president Aurelio De Laurentiis saying: “COVID-19 will end up making the middle and smaller clubs who live beyond their means disappear.” It’s not hard to see why the league and the Italian Football Federation (FIGC) are pushing hard to at least prepare their teams for any return. “I do not want to be Italian football’s gravedigger,” said Gabriele Gravina, the president of the FIGC.

But as with everything in Italy it is deeply political and the pushback has been considerable. Italy’s highest-profile female athlete, the swimmer Federica Pellegrini, said: “All I hear about is football and I’m disappointed by that, other sports exist too”. Similarly, the president of the Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) Giovanni Malago said: “Sport is not just and cannot only be Serie A football.”

The FIGC is an affiliate of CONI and football obtains more funding than any other sport. What Malago says matters. He believes football has muddled its response to the pandemic — “Gravina talks about July, August, September, October, even about splitting the league into two groups with play-offs and play-outs” — which further damages the game’s reputation. Ultimately, the decision lies with the government, but relations between the FIGC, Serie A and the minister of sport, Vincenzo Spadafora, have been tense.

Why are relations strained between Italy’s sporting bodies?

For a start, Spadafora hasn’t always toed the party line. In March, he sparked chaos at the Stadio Ennio Tardini, where Parma’s match at home to SPAL was due to go ahead in accordance with a government decree, which had been signed the night before. However, with players waiting in the tunnel, Spadafora announced the league needed to shut down with immediate effect. The game was delayed for an hour and 15 minutes while officials checked whether the order had been changed. It hadn’t and Parma-SPAL kicked off. “Instead of indulging in demagoguery, be consistent with the actions of your own government” came the reply from Serie A president Paolo Dal Pino.  

It wasn’t pretty then and things aren’t any rosier now. Spadafora has called out club owners for using the media to influence opinion and force his hand. “We have to start safely,” he said on Tuesday. “Do you remember when the league didn’t want to stop? How many teams ended up in quarantine?” The answer is six. To avoid that happening again, the FIGC has drawn up a 47-page protocol document, seen by The Athletic, with the aim of protecting the players, coaches, referees and other members of staff from contagion.

How will they protect the players and everyone else?

The protocol document contains lots of advice from leaders in the medical field. In addition to the FIGC’s own 12-person scientific committee, the protocol has had substantial input from a task force comprising four experts in infectious diseases and virology. The protocol recommends squads should be selected three to four days before training resumes. The players and essential coaching staff in this group will then undergo an initial screening phase. This entails a visit to a clinic, a temperature check and an up-to-date medical history. Let’s pick a player at random. Say, Brescia’s Mario Balotelli: the FIGC wants to know if he’s travelled in the last two months and where to, whether or not he’s been in contact with anyone who has tested positive for the virus, and whether he’s showing any symptoms.

Depending on certain criteria, the group will be given two RT-PCR tests within 24 hours of each other and an antibody test. The expense and availability of testing — not to mention the morality of rolling them out for one category of society — remains a bone of contention. “The request on the players’ part is for football to resume only when every citizen can have a test,” Tommasi said. “There mustn’t be any fast-track for our industry.” As you might expect with a medical, there will be a resting ECG (to measure heart health), a spirometry (to measure breathing capacity), and blood and urine tests. The protocol is especially mindful of the latest medical advice on the damage left by COVID-19 and the therapies used to treat it on a person’s lungs and the heart. Even after screening is over, the group will have daily temperature checks and be constantly assessed for symptoms.

A permanent “ritiro” — a place for players and staff to live on-site — is also recommended. A number of clubs have dorms or even hotels adjoining their training grounds. When the Melia hotel closed in Milan as part of the lockdown measures, Christian Eriksen temporarily moved into Inter’s Appiano Gentile training ground. The problem is 11 of the 20 teams don’t have lodgings, so completely isolating the group isn’t possible across the board. However, the other nine clubs are meant to allocate players single, well-ventilated rooms where they will shower after their distancing-adapted training sessions.

Everyone in the group will be given behavioural guidelines to follow, ranging from washing hands to PPE for masseurs and physios. Treatment tables will be spaced out and time slots allocated to avoid congestion. If the enforcement of social distancing means there isn’t space in a team meeting, the preference is for a video conference instead. Food in the canteen will be self-service only.

As for training itself, the first week foresees individuals or small groups working out more than two metres apart before a gradual return to normality in week two and week three, with players running through patterns of play, set-pieces and playing small-sided games.

If someone does test positive, they are to be isolated immediately. Training will be suspended until the team and coaching staff receive the all-clear from two tests taken 24 hours apart and antibody tests will be repeated within five and seven days of each other. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the government’s scientific committee raised a red flag at this part of the protocol on the basis that, up until now, one positive test has been enough to send clubs into quarantine for a fortnight. This is a dilemma faced by all leagues hoping to finish the season.

Then there’s the not insignificant matter of away games and travel: it’s one thing limiting external contact within a training facility you own, it’s another thing doing it on the road. Fourteen of Serie A’s 20 clubs are located in areas that were defined “hotbeds” in Italy’s fight against the pandemic.

The outlook’s bleak then?

Gravina said: “In order to run zero risks, we’d have to wait for a vaccine. According to the scientists, that won’t be until spring 2021. We can’t just shut everything down waiting for that to happen.” Dialogue between the FIGC and the government’s scientific committee remains open, with Gravina vowing to modify the protocol in a renewed effort to at least obtain consent for teams to return to training on May 18.

Spadafora grows more pessimistic by the day, however. He talks about the road back to football getting tighter and tighter with only a “spiraglio” — the smallest of openings — left for it to happen. Gravina’s decision to align himself with UEFA and make August 3 the cut-off point for domestic competitions to finish puts Italian football on the clock. Serie A has proposed proroguing expiring contracts until after the season concludes. If the league returns to training in less than three weeks and games start from mid-June, that sounds like a good idea. But that’s a big if.  

Spadafora has appealed to the leagues to come up with a Plan B. “I am starting to get the idea there will be a surprise over the next few days,” he told free-to-air TV channel La7. “Presidents could soon ask me to end the season now so they can prepare for the next one.” Brescia’s owner Massimo Cellino has repeatedly declared the season over. His counterparts at Torino and Sampdoria, Urbano Cairo and Massimo Ferrero, have both expressed scepticism plans to return — they fear finishing this season may compromise the next one.

What are the players doing in the meantime?

Well, Lazio’s Marco Parolo has been using his free time away from the training ground to protest that players should be allowed in the training ground. “All professional athletes should be treated the same,” he told the club’s official radio station. “I’m our athletes’ No 1 fan at the World Championships, and I’m all for them going back to training, but I think footballers should, too.”

For now though the players continue to work out at home.

“It’s difficult to expect a player to be able to maintain the necessary fitness to play in Serie A after a prolonged period of inactivity,” Sampdoria’s head of performance, Paolo Bertelli, tells The Athletic. “We’re trying to keep the fitness of our players to the highest standards as much as we possibly can.” Samp’s players have workout classes six days a week. “The sessions last between 65 and 80 minutes each depending on the player and the day of the week,” Bertelli says. “In addition to a warm-up, we do some free-weight exercises — some core, some jumps — hop on the exercise bike and work with the resistance bands. The players who have a running machine get a workout for that. It’s a bit different for the goalkeepers because we need to keep their explosiveness and strength.”

Roma’s goalkeeper Pau Lopez logs onto Roma’s bespoke platform to access all the material he needs for his day. “Every day the fitness coach sends us a customised workout plan that we have to follow to stay in shape,” the Spaniard tells The Athletic. “We weigh ourselves on a daily basis and send the info to the nutritionist. He keeps us posted, especially if there’s a problem. It’s all very well planned out.”

Manolo Zubiria, Roma’s chief global sporting officer, goes into more detail. “We set up a communication platform that allows the club’s directors and coaching staff to video conference with the players. It’s not just those in the first team either, but all levels, including our women’s team. Internal comms are fundamental. We want to give everyone as much support as possible in terms of info and assistance, whether it’s to do with fitness or nutrition. To that end, we are ensuring our players receive all the necessary material for home workouts. In terms of grocery shopping, we have also sorted a delivery service. We can’t predict what will happen in the coming weeks but our objective is for the lads to be in the best shape possible when training resumes.”

What’s the state of play in the table?

Juventus reclaimed top spot with their 2-0 win against Inter on March 8 and have a slender one-point lead over Lazio. Lotito is against the idea of play-offs to decide the top four — “Inter have eight points less than us (in third) and Atalanta have 14” — but he would be up for settling the title in a one-off game against the Old Lady, who, he points out, Lazio have already beaten on two occasions this season (in the league and the Super Cup). Atalanta occupy the last Champions League place and have a three-point advantage over Roma, plus a game in hand and a superior head-to-head record.

As for the Europa League, Milan are outside the top six but could still qualify through the Coppa Italia if they were to turn around a first-leg semi-final defeat to Juventus (without Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Theo Hernandez, who are suspended) and overcome either Inter or Napoli in the final. Down at the bottom, Brescia (10 points adrift of safety) and SPAL (seven) were already hanging by a thread, which is why, to some observers, it’d make sense for them to trade places with Crotone and Pippo Inzaghi’s Benevento, the two teams in the automatic promotion places in Serie B.

If that was the case, you’d have some sympathy for Inzaghi’s former Milan team-mate Alessandro Nesta. The former centre-back is now managing Frosinone, who were in second until the most recent round of fixtures, when Crotone took their spot.

But as one Serie A executive put it to The Athletic, if the season isn’t concluded on the pitch, there is “no right answer” to satisfy everyone’s definition of fairness.

[katedoesfics]

Breath of the Resistance: Chapter 3

Dorian’s suspicious phone call with the king left Link uneasy and sleep eluded him most of the night. His mind ran wild with scenarios and accusations. What was it that Dorian - and the king, for that matter - was hiding? Two things were clear: that Dorian was in fact hiding something, and that the king was aware of the situation. Link’s first instinct was to assume Dorian was perhaps a double agent working with the Yiga Clan. But if that was the ‘information’ that Dorian was referring to, then the king knew, as well, which only confused him more. If the king knew, was he, too, hiding the fact that Dorian was a double agent? Was the king conspiring against his own country? As Hyrule’s ruler, what could he possibly gain from turning against his people?

“It’s uncanny, really.”

Link took his eyes off the road for a moment and met Zelda’s gaze. Her voice had taken him out of his thoughts. He refocused his attention onto the road. “Hm?”

“Were you even listening?” She narrowed his eyes at him.

“Not really.”

Zelda crossed her arms. “Of course not,” she started. “Like I said, you’re just like -”

“My father.” Link’s knuckles whitened as he gripped the steering wheel. That was another whole matter in itself. He was feeling more and more aggravated with all the secret keeping. He was in the SFU to find the truth, not to be lied to day in and day out. And that only made him want to find the truth even more.

But there was an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach that suggested he may not like the truth.

“Are you usually this grumpy?”

Link bit his tongue in an attempt to keep back a snappy comment. She was the king’s daughter, after all, even without her typical royal attire, which usually consisted of clean cut, solid color dresses that hugged the frame of her body and flared out just slightly at her knees. From time to time, she’d even don a sundress of sorts, with pale colors and flowery patterns. She was always a bright figure at her father’s dark suited and serious side.

“Are you high?”

“What? No. Of course not.”

Zelda didn’t seem convinced, however. She inspected Link closely from the passenger seat. “You don’t seem with the program.”

She was right, of course. He needed to get his head out of the clouds. They had a job to do, and he couldn’t afford to be anywhere else. He needed to be focused and aware of his surroundings, now more than ever.

“Yeah,” he muttered. “Sorry.” He wasn’t much for conversation, especially with her, but he supposed he had to put their differences aside and make the best of the situation. He sucked in a breath and attempted to push away his concerns for the time being.

“You don’t have to try to be on professional around me,” Zelda said casually, leaning back against the seat. “We’re going to be working together a lot. Might as well get used to it.”

“You don’t sound very thrilled about that.” Link could feel her eyes studying him once more.

“Well, if we’re being honest,” she said, turning her eyes back out towards the horizon, “I don’t appreciate the fact that my father made the newest member of the force my handler.”

“Yeah,” Link muttered. “Must be a real buzzkill.”

“I thought my life was more valuable,” she continued, ignoring him. “Yet, he gives me this inexperienced boy.”

“I’ll remember that if you ever find yourself in trouble.”

Zelda’s eyes moved back to him, then down to the weapon under his arm. “And how proficient are you, exactly, with that weapon?”

“Proficient enough.”

Zelda settled back into the seat, but her stature remained stiff. “That’s reassuring,” she muttered.

“Don’t listen to what any Ritos say,” Link said. “I could out shoot them any day.”

Zelda smirked. “Ritos like Revali? He is a very skilled fighter, you know.”

“Ha.”

“Though he does seem to dislike you.”

“He dislikes anyone who challenges his authority and skill.”

“Not necessarily a bad trait for this kind of job.”

“Well,” Link started. Without realizing it, his grip relaxed on the wheel, though his fingers felt stiff. He stretched them for a moment. “When we get back, you can ask to have Revali as your handler.”

Zelda turned her gaze out the window. “I don’t know,” she said. “He’s a little too arrogant. He’d drive me crazy.”

“Welcome to my life,” Link muttered. He turned off the highway onto the road that wound through the country and up towards the mountains where they would find Goron City.

“The others speak highly of you, though,” she said. “Especially Mipha. I didn’t realize how close you two are.”

“I guess.”

“I think she likes you.”

This woman sure was blunt. Did she ever keep a thought to herself?

“Do you like her?”

“What’s with all the damn questions?” Link growled. “Stop interrogating me.”

“Just making conversation,” Zelda said. “Note to self: don’t question his love life.”

Link sucked in a slow breath in an attempt to remain calm. He was starting to like her less and less. What did he ever do in life do deserve such horrible karma?

“What about your childhood?” Zelda continued. “Where did you grow up?”

Link sighed. “The country.”

Zelda nodded. “Did you like it?”

“Better than the city.”

“What was it like?”

Link shrugged. “It was quiet,” he said. “No one interrogated me.”

Zelda ignored him. “Did you have any pets?”

“Sure.”

“Like what?”

“Dogs. Goats. Couple of horses.”

“I’ve always wanted to ride a horse.”

Link made a sound through his nose.

“When did you come to the city?”

“I don’t know. I was pretty young. I guess around the time my dad started working in the SFU.”

“What about your mother? What does she do?”

“She’s dead.”

“Oh.” Zelda shifted in her seat and turned her gaze back to the road. It was uncomfortably quiet for a long moment after that.

“My turn,” Link said. “What was it like growing up in the palace?”

Zelda kept her gaze on the horizon. “Really boring.”

“Yeah, right,” Link said. “I bet you could do whatever you wanted.”

“Not really. I had an image to uphold, and as a kid, that’s pretty shitty. I never got to go out and explore or play or anything a kid should be able to do. My mother was constantly teaching me how to act the part and telling me stories of our ancestors and this supposed power that I have.” Zelda sighed. “When she died, I was pretty much on my own. My father always seemed too busy, or only focused on my own training.”

“I didn’t sign up to be a therapist,” Link muttered.

“You asked,” Zelda snapped at him.

Link started to feel guilty. He always assumed she was some spoiled little princess, but she was really just forced into some role as he was.

“I’ve got some friends in the country,” he said in an attempt to change the topic. “Next time we get a day off, I’ll show you how to ride.”

Zelda’s gaze fell on him once more and a smile tugged at the corner of her lips. “I’ll hold you to that.”

*****

The drive to Goron City only took them a few hours, but conversation between Link and Zelda felt forced, and uncomfortable silence often followed soon after. They were too happy to get out and stretch their legs when they finally arrived, and Daruk was the first to greet them happily. He let his large hand come down hard on Link’s shoulder as he often did, not knowing his own strength.

“I gotta admit,” Daruk started, leading the way towards the Divine Beast. “It’s good to be home where the bars are better suited for Gorons.” He pointed a large finger towards a smaller mountain peak where the ancient Sheikah machine slept. “There she is, Vah Rudania,” he said proudly. “Everyone’s been quite curious about her, you know.”

“She?” Zelda repeated. She cocked her head to the side slightly as she followed Daruk’s gaze.

“How are you going to activate her?” Daruk asked.

Zelda pulled a device from her back pocket. It resembled a tablet of sorts. An ancient tablet, if such a thing were possible.

“This Sheikah Slate is supposed to be connected to the Divine Beasts and the Guardians,” she said. “It worked in activating the Guardians, so I suspect it will work on the Divine Beasts as well.”

“A Sheikah Slate, huh?” Daruk said. He scratched at his head. “Those Sheikah sure are… mysterious.”

“Hmph.” Mysterious was an understatement. Link found his mind on Dorian once more.

“Impa gave it to me,” Zelda said to Link. “I trust she knows what she’s talking about.”

Link was familiar with Impa, meeting her several times before. She was the leader of the Sheikah tribe and was probably as old as the Sheikah themselves. Was it possible that she knew about Dorian as well? Or was she being played just as Link was?

He wanted to tell someone about the conversation he had overheard, but he knew now that he couldn’t trust anyone, even his own comrades.

Vah Rudania loomed above them as they approached and Link was amazed - even slightly intimidated - by the size of the Divine Beast. The three of them climbed their way to the top where the control panel stood and Zelda set to work activating it with the Sheikah Slate. Within a moment, the two devices seemed to sync, and Vah Rudania came to life, moving and seemingly stretching its body beneath them.

“Well, whatta ya know,” Daruk said in awe. “To think they had this kind of technology so long ago.”

While Zelda instructed Daruk on how to operate the Divine Beast, Link found himself standing at the edge, looking out over Goron City and even beyond, out into the countryside of Hyrule. In the distance to the south stood the palace, the bustling city just below. Though he couldn’t see it from there, he knew just past the palace would be the smaller towns and villages that dotted the countryside, including the small farming town where he was born. Now, many of those small towns were slowly being replaced by larger cities in order to keep up with the growing population, and the countryside was growing smaller and smaller. Link couldn’t help but to wonder what life in Hyrule was like thousands of years ago.

“Ready?” Zelda said, standing at his side. “Everything seems to be in working order here. Daruk’s got a good handle on the controls, so I think we can make our way to Rito Village, now.”

“Sure,” Link said simply. He was in no hurry to deal with Revali, but the sooner they finished the job with the Divine Beasts, the better. After they were all activated, Link was determined to find the pieces to the puzzle with Dorian. Something about the situation just did not sit right with him and it only made him grow more and more anxious.

[bigskydreaming]

Brain topic du jour is reflecting on the frankly weird as fuck pattern in Dick’s life where....he barely ever experiences losses one at a time. Most of the loss he’s experienced in his life is compounded by him losing multiple people and other elements of stability all at the exact same time.

1) When his parents died, in some continuities this is coupled with him losing his extended family of his aunt and cousin as well, with his uncle left comatose and on life support for years before he eventually died as well. Even in continuities without Richard, Karla and John, the loss of Dick’s parents is compounded by the additional loss of his circus family in the sense that he was taken away from them by the state and their constant reassuring presences in his life were no longer comforts he was able to rely on.

2) When Jason died, Dick didn’t just lose his brother, as the tragedy was compounded by Bruce’s reaction. I’ll never be able to gloss over the effects of NTT #55, personally, because I think its too key to Dick’s entire characterization and the specific direction his character took in the years that followed this, to like....disregard that Bruce however unintentionally, while lost in his own grief, added to Dick’s own sense of loss for Jason in probably the worst way possible. As by kicking Dick out and telling him to leave his keys, Dick - having no way to know or guess that they’d ever reconcile, just like he never actually went back to the circus being a regular presence for him - to Dick, this was in essence the equivalent of his childhood tragedy all over again. Losing not just one family member, but his whole family in one sweep, and all the comforts and stability offered by a home he was forced to leave. Even Dick’s contact with Alfred was minimal for awhile, because why would the guy who basically JUST saw history repeat itself and was like, well I know how THIS tends to play out.....why would he think that if Alfred felt forced to actually choose between his loyalties to Bruce and Dick respectively, that Alfred would pick Dick over the man he’d known and raised from childhood himself?

3) Titans Hunt. I know I harp on this one a lot, but you can’t deny that it fits the pattern. Dick didn’t just lose one friend and teammate.....he lost Joey, he lost a good four or five lesser known Titans who nevertheless were people he viewed as directly HIS responsibility to keep safe. With these tragedies compounded by the fact that though comics played out a lot more slowburn and extended stories over years back then, like.....the aftermath of Titans Hunt was still everpresent and directly died into Dick’s reactions and emotions during the Mirage storyline and everything that happened with the failed wedding and his breakup with Kory AND the fact that he was literally forced off the team he’d basically founded, by the government agency that took over the team and appointed Roy as its leader in his stead.

3) Graduation Day. The second time the Titans disbanded it was again not due to a singular loss, because Dick didn’t just lose Donna at this point, but also Lilith died in the exact same story and though Lilith is criminally underused, like, she’s also one of Dick’s oldest friends. She was literally the first Titan to join after the original five. This then led into the Outsiders era, where Dick was shown to still be reeling from the losses of this story for an extended period of time, and in a fun parallel to the Titans Hunt aftermath, Dick was also ousted from his leadership of THIS team by essentially a vote of no confidence by his teammates (and uh, Bruce too, literally).

4) The Blockbuster arc. Where Dick’s emotional state was due to a continued string of multiple losses. He lost his apartment building and almost every one of the neighbors he’d built a community out of, as we’d been shown him actively involving himself in their lives and vice versa for YEARS before this point. Then he lost his circus, his childhood home, burned to the ground and with dozens of deaths - both spectators and actual performers Dick had known and loved as a child. Then he lost his relationship with Barbara, his sense of self-security and autonomy to Tarantula, he lost another teen vigilante who died in his colors, the mantle HE’D created, when Stephanie was believed dead in War Games, and it all culminated in losing the city he’d invested himself in as his CHOSEN home, the place he dedicated himself to protecting, when Chemo blew it up.

Oh just for the record - my nonexistent passport to the magical kingdom of Narnia for a fic that raises the point when bringing up Tim’s losses in the Red Robin era, that like.....ALL of the above happened at literally the EXACT SAME TIME as all Tim’s referenced losses occurred. Obviously Steph meant more to Tim than Dick on a personal level, but I also included her largely as an anchor point to the timeline, to show how that death, and not long after that Jack Drake’s and then Superboy’s.... occurred right smack in the middle of one of the absolute WORST periods of Dick’s life. To be clear, I don’t intend this to suggest that no actually, Dick had it harder than Tim - nah. 

No thank you. Hard pass. I hate that sort of thing even in support of my own faves over other characters. No, instead the thing I’d love to see explored more is just in light of the SPECIFIC angle fics take here - that Dick’s actions while Bruce was lost in time showed an obliviousness to everything Tim had lost lately - for literally ANYONE to bring up or introduce into the timeline here an awareness of everything Dick had lost AT THE EXACT SAME TIME PERIOD. To establish that actually, Dick didn’t just ‘not understand what it was like’ - rather, its more accurate to say that nobody in universe around this time ever shows an awareness of Dick’s own losses and says oh wait, that doesn’t track then. 

Because obviously, with this stuff put in proper perspective, Dick understands VERY VERY WELL the exact thing we’re accusing him of not understanding by being oblivious to Tim’s losses that he’s not actually oblivious to because he tries to talk to Tim about them all the time, while meanwhile its everyone else who has absolutely mum to say about the fact that Dick’s emotional state is compromised to hell and back at this point, not JUST because of losing Bruce, but also because *gestures wildly* literally ALL OF THE ABOVE in the exact same time frame Tim’s extended losses happened in.

And okay I am going to indulge in slight tiny itty bitty pettiness and point out my ire that so many fics set during this time tend to recite listicles of Tim’s losses, with Steph, Kon and Jack Drake at the very top of said list....while paying no attention whatsoever to the fact that STEPH WAS LITERALLY BACK BY THE TIME THE RED ROBIN SERIES HAPPENED. She’s LITERALLY a person Dick sends to check up on Tim after Tim turns Dick away when he tries himself. How are you gonna stress the impact Steph’s loss has on Tim when you’re not even acknowledging STEPH’S RIGHT HERE IN THE EXACT SPECIFIC CANON STORY YOU’RE CITING??? I just. afhioskhflafhlafhklfahlfa. 

And not to put too fine a point on it, but you know who ELSE was also back at the same time? CONNOR. Superboy LITERALLY was already back to life by the time the Red Robin series even began. Like, the issue where a resurrected Kon and Cassie (Wonder Girl) have a heart to heart about the fact that Tim and Cassie ‘connected’ during his absence and Connor stresses that this doesn’t bother him or make him feel negatively towards either of them at all, because hello, he was literally dead at the time, why would he mind that two of the people he loves most in the world sought comfort in each other? Yeah, that issue? Literally came out BEFORE Tim even became Red Robin.

I MEAN. I’m just saying, when people constantly take shots at Dick’s choices during this period because of how much Tim had lost before Bruce already, in order to shift focus away from the fact that Dick lost Bruce every bit as much as Tim did......and you repeatedly emphasize the SAME three names as the focal point of Tim’s losses while paying no acknowledgment whatsoever to everything Dick lost at the exact same time Tim lost these three.....it quickly becomes kiiiiiiinda relevant in my opinion THAT TWO OF THE THREE NAMES CONSTANTLY MENTIONED AS BEING TIM’S LOSSES ARE NO LONGER EVEN LOST BY THE TIME THE SUBJECT COMES UP. Again, I’m just saying! Pettily, mind you! I am aware of the pettiness, I just beg awareness of like *again gesticulates wildly at all of the above* ALL THAT!

LOL.

But I digress.

5) When Bruce was believed dead while he was lost in the timestream. Again, Dick didn’t just lose the father who had been the only parent in his life for almost TWICE as long as his first parents......this was coupled with the loss of numerous other sources of stability in Dick’s life. There’s the matter of his personal sense of identity and self-expression....Dick FOUGHT against becoming Batman, trying to handle Gotham in Bruce’s absence as Nightwing for as long as he could, because he knew being Batman was very much NOT going to be good for him. He put so much of himself into building his identity as Nightwing, establishing himself in that role, that self-image, that yes, I maintain it was an actual LOSS for Dick, to feel like he had no choice but to give that up and everything it meant to him and his own life, in order to essentially live Bruce’s life for him in his absence. 

Because it wasn’t just being Batman that Dick was struggling with at this time....he also had to act as the patriarch to the Wayne family, essentially raise Bruce’s ten year old son, step into Bruce’s old role in Wayne Enterprises, all while getting no acknowledgment for any of this, for literally LIVING his father’s life instead of the life Dick had worked so hard to build for HIMSELF....because of course Dick’s actions and struggles couldn’t even be advertised beyond the family and close friends, because the whole point of him doing all this was so that nobody else even realized that Bruce wasn’t really there anymore. Dick didn’t just assume Bruce’s responsibilities. Dick assumed Bruce’s life, so thoroughly that most people didn’t even put together that Bruce was ‘dead,’ between Dick handling Bruce’s actual roles and responsibilities while Hush made public appearances as him. 

Like, when you’re living someone else’s life so completely that nobody can tell they’re even gone....how on earth does that leave any time or space for you to have ANY kind of life of your OWN, y’know? Not to mention the fact that like in so many times previously....all this meant that Dick couldn’t even afford to let his grief for his own losses show, because he wasn’t supposed to be grieving any losses in the first place, that was the whole point of the con!

Additionally, couple this with the fact that throughout this time period, Dick didn’t have Tim to lean on at all, because it was never that Dick kicked Tim out or neglected him or didn’t care....he’d actively stressed how much he needed Tim, because the partner Tim was convinced Dick chose ‘over’ him - Dick was the first one to admit back then that he DIDN’T trust Damian yet, couldn’t afford to, because he was all too aware that Damian didn’t give a fuck about him yet and couldn’t be guaranteed to step in to have Dick’s back - because that required mutual trust that Dick literally just hadn’t had time to build yet. And add to THAT the fact that during this time, Jason was actively antagonizing the family and Dick in particular at every turn, trying to bring them all down and basically write over what all of them saw as Bruce’s legacy with Jason’s own version of what he thought that should look like.

Also also, take into account that unlike how often we see fanon depict Dick as just too stubborn or proud to ask for help, there’s the fact that he actually had very few avenues TO ask for help! As already established, he DID ask Tim for help. Not like Jason was an option at this time, and Dick’s friends weren’t actually just sitting waiting in the wings and groaning about the fact that Dick was trying to do all of this solo....nah, they kinda had their own problems, which Dick was all too aware of?

Like the fact that in the wake of Final Crisis, it wasn’t just Bruce that was believed lost. Many other key Leaguers like Martian Manhunter were dead or lost, with others struggling to fill the gaps left in their absence. Cry For Justice happened right after Final Crisis too....that story where Lian was murdered? So it wasn’t like Dick was remotely going to try leaning on Roy when Roy had just lost his freaking DAUGHTER and very much wasn’t handling it well (and not to overshadow Roy’s loss at ALL, but please let’s not act like Dick - who had literally been the person to put a baby Lian in Roy’s arms for the first time and had known that girl for pretty much her entire life - like, it shouldn’t be used to detract from Roy’s loss at all, but it shouldn’t have to, to just acknowledge that Lian’s loss right at this exact time was painful as fuck to Dick, who’d loved his niece like crazy.)

The pattern of compounding, concurrent losses in Dick’s life. I’m just saying. Its there.

And it extends into the New 52 as well, where Forever Evil came right on the heels of Dick losing his circus in THIS continuity to the Joker, just as a way to hurt him in Death of A Family. And with the aftermath of Forever Evil and Dick’s own literal death, being like....the complete loss of Dick’s entire life, even though he was revived quickly. That didn’t mean he got to live HIS life though, since Dick Grayson was believed dead and he was told had to remain so, so its like fuck whatever he actually wanted to do as he went about on the Spyral mission aka something that pinched his own sense of morality and personal agenda at every turn and was kinda the last thing a therapist would recommend for a trauma recovery period, lol. And like, for all the focus that was paid to how Dick’s family were hurt because they believed they’d lost him when he was actually alive, let’s not forget that for all intents and purposes, Dick DID lose his family in the wake of his resurrection because he was flat out told over and over that due to what ‘he’d LET happen to him’ he was an ACTIVE danger to them, and thus wasn’t allowed by Bruce to contact any of them or lean on them to any degree, until Bruce got amnesia and stopped blocking Dick’s pleas to return home by just not being there to pick up the secret phone line at all. 

(And omg, the obliviousness that just EMANATES off the hot takes that Dick had a ‘choice’ in all this and he still CHOSE to do what Bruce told him....like. LOLOL, stop being pissy about me bringing up the term abuse apologism when its literal victim blaming to paint the guy who had to be beaten into ‘agreeing’ to the Spyral mission in the immediate wake of the trauma of DYING, all while his father vocally blamed him for his own suffering and the ‘threat’ he now posed to his family, keying directly into the guilt complex Bruce knows damn well is at the core of most of Dick’s motivations.....fucking please. There’s no choice in all that. That’s active emotional, mental and physical abuse aimed at directly manipulating Dick’s actions, delivered by the guy who knows Dick best in the world and whose approval - particularly when Dick is at absolute rock bottom aka Current Location - matters more to Dick than just about anything because his sense of self-worth has more in common with dog shit than actual dog shit does. Or something. Idk. That analogy got away from me. But like. You get it.)

BUT. I. DIE. GRESS. (I guess).

Aaaaaaanyway, so yeah! That repeating pattern throughout Dick’s life of ‘loss? What loss (singular)? My losses only come in groups, lolol, fuuuuuun’ - mmmm. Yeah. So that’s what’s on MY brain right now. Thoughts?

[actuallyadork]

Getting started learning Japanese.

Here’s some resources I’m using to learn Japanese and what I think they do well and not so well. This is all based on my own experiences and what works best for me.

I will be rating based on the following criteria: Cost, Is it easy to use?, How much does it cover?, Pros, Cons, Overall impression.

Tofugu

I’m replacing a previous recommendation with this one. Far superior. I’ll just get right to it.

Free. Easy to use.

Pros: articles on just about everything. Theres a podcast. And every month they post resources for learning japanese. I highly recommend this website for these posts alone.

Cons: some content you gotta pay for but as far as i know they don’t duck around with people’s trust. They are the creators of wanikani and they gotta make money somehow.

Overall: far more useful that the first website i had on here. Maybe I’ll add more details later, but I just wanted to update this one as quickly as possible.

Japanese from Zero (video series)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOcym2c7xnBwU12Flkm5RcLIEhvURQ8TB

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes. Theres a nice playlist so all you have to do is sit and watch.

How much does it cover: You start out knowing absolutely no japanese and by the end of lessons you will know two writing systems. Basic sentence patterns and grammar. There is even a kanji series.

Pros: nothing is easier than sitting and watching videos to learn. You can play it anywhere at anytime. George has been teaching/speaking Japanese for years so he knows where students get stuck. He gives good explanations and examples on when to use new content and when not to use the new content.

Cons: because its a series, sometimes George refers to previous lessons or his book and you may be missing some context if you start in the middle or skip through some lessons.

Overall: The first lessons were painful to get through because It starts out with romanization and if you already know the writing systems, seeing the romaji on screen is like listening to nails on chalk. Not to mention I have a personal beef with numbers and counting as well as the common phrases like “おはよう”

But it is called Japanese from Zero and it is meant for someone who knows absolutely nothing about japanese so I can forgive the painful beggining lessons. Once I got past the introductory stuff the videos became more enjoyable.

Duolingo (app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes

How much does it cover: basic japanese sentence patterns, all three writing systems and a handful of new vocabulary.

Pros: teaches new words and sentence patterns and really drills them into your head. Gives you a few new words at a time so you can take the time to learn them without being distracted from all the other words you need to learn. You can go into the course as a Japanese person trying to learn English and really get the most out of Duolingo because the japanese version starts out with Kanji and even gives polite and casual sentence forms.

Cons: very repetitive. I don’t find fault with this but a coworker of mine found this to be very annoying and I can understand why. Duolingo says the lessons will get harder but instead its the same lesson except now you have to review it 10 times instead of 5. That’s not exactly hard, that’s just tedious. My biggest gripe with duolingo is that it doesn’t explain particles or why the kanji has different readings. In order to figure that out I had to go and do my own research which isn’t a big deal but if you’re only using duolingo by itself it makes it harder to understand why you keep getting things incorrect and subsequently how to fix it.

Overall: I will admit I am biased towards duolingo because I’ve used it for Spanish, French, Italian, and now Japanese. I was there from it’s early days when it was absolute shit and it has come a long way. I recognize the issues with Duolingo right now but I know that they are constantly updating. Painful as it may be to keep hearing 六時六分です it really is teaching you sentence patterns that you can use to make your own sentences. You just have to go out and do a little extra work yourself. It is, by far, the easiest to use and the method I use everyday.

TinyCards (app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: yes

How much does it cover: it covers a lot of vocabulary phrases and even sentences. You can probably get a lot mileage out of this one if used correctly and if you’re willing to put in the work

Pros: dozens of pre-made flashcards to choose from and the ability to make your own. Cards come in sets that you can unlock by finishing the first set similar to duolingo. A lot of other flashcard apps work in a similar way except they make you pay for the rest so I appreciate that this one is free of charge. Plus you can find flashcards specifically from the duolingo courses so you can study the vocabulary in isolation rather than in a sentence. Interactive flashcard system. So you don’t just flip cards and call it a day, occasionally you will have to write out the translation in the target language or pick from several choices.

Cons: the difficulty can be a little inconsistent. Sometimes you just flip a card and say I remember that one and other times you’ll have to translate a full sentence in Japanese. Even if you get the kanji right, you may get the answer incorrect because the card wants the hiragana and vice versa. And because there are so many card sets to choose from, not all of them are useful.

Overall: a sister app to duolingo it seems. Cards come from the community of learners and are not limited to japanese or languages. You can also learn about history, art and pretty much anything else. I appreciate the interactive aspect as most other apps don’t do this and the ones that do are muuuch more inconsistent than this one. I found similar interactive flashcard apps that would sometimes show Vietnamese translations instead of English translations. I’ve only recently been using this one but I pretty much gave up on using other similar apps bc they were very inconsistent. I haven’t used it very much though because I’ve discovered that I’m not a flashcard learner. If you learn best with flashcards then I would recommend it.

Tae Kim’s Guide to Japanese (website/pdf/app)

Cost: free

Easy to use: relatively. Just read the damn thing. I get it though. Reading is very tedious

What it covers: It really is a beginner to advanced beginner guide covering the same things as all the above. Basic grammar, writing systems and such. One thing that is very unique about Tae Kim’s guide however is that it also includes cultural notes such as explaining casual vs polite speech. Male vs female speech that a lot of the other resources don’t even touch on

Pros: A very good starting point that covers so so much. The website has an option to show/toggle translations. Additional cultural notes plus examples. Almost every“how to learn japanese” guide points to this website

Cons: one of the reasons I was holding out on making this list was because I haven’t finished going through all the resources so I don’t have any cons for this yet. I’m only part-way through and I’ve yet to have any issues with it. Maybe just that once it gets the point across it immediately moves on. You don’t really have time to digest the content so It’s like a very in-depth crash course in japanese. You may need to go out and do extra research in order to really understand the content. If you don’t understand what is being taught, just read over it again and keep it in mind. I’ve found that I’ll come across more examples as I continue my studies and it all starts to fall into place

Overall: It doesn’t sugarcoat Japanese or treat the learner like a baby. If you read the introductory page, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Definitely influenced my approach to learning despite not having gone through all of it. Like other resources, it builds on top of topics already covered but it’s nice having a book-format with conjugation charts and lessons separated by chapters. Videos and podcasts are nice but Tae Kim’s guide also acts as a manual to supplement your learning. Maybe you want to write a sentence in the masu-form and need a quick reminder? Just flip to the page in the guide. No skipping through videos trying to find the part you need because it’s already there.

Manga Sensei (podcast/website)

Cost: mostly free. I believe theres some extra stuff you can purchase. I’ve seen a special podcast that requires payment and comes along with a free pdf. But for the most part, you get a lot of free content.

Easy to use: relatively. Havent been on the website much so for all i know it could be a mess

What it covers: the podcast covers a lot of grammar points and occasional vocabulary and cultural notes. Gives you a good foundation to build on top of. The website has more details on what the podcasts are about but I haven’t spent much time on the website as I have the podcast.

Pros: grammar points in 5 minutes or less. Differences between common words. Good for improving listening skills. If you’re driving or on a bus, you can learn on the go.

Cons: so much to choose from you kinda have to sift through what you need. Most of it is useful and there are a couple of repeat lessons as Manga-Sensei has a beginner’s guide every year. Because its audio only, you may be learning new words and grammar but you may not be able to identify them as quickly on paper. Best to supplement with some type of visual. I believe the website has something to solve this and I’ve heard there is a youtube channel as well? Although I am not sure.

Overall: If you’re going on a long car ride, folding your laundry or even just working-out, this is a great way to stay on top of your studies. Manga-Sensei has talked a lot about his projects such as his manga, alternate podcasts, and pdf. Even though I haven’t taken a look at all of them, it’s clear he’s working hard to bring content for listening, reading, and conversation skills. That being said, the podcast is just as good for learning as any other method. You can still understand the lessons (which are meant to be short and simple anyway)

Japanese Ammo with Misa (Video Series)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBSyd8tXJoEJKIXfrwkPdbA

Cost: free although she has a Patreon as well if you want to support her.

Easy to use: yep

How much does it cover: A Lot. From basic videos about grammar to more complex videos breaking down japanese songs as well common phrases and little notes that you may not find in a textbook

Pros: Her lessons have a lot of examples and good breakdowns of the grammar and tense. If a verb is in the past-negative tense, she will break down how to get to that point from the plain form or dictionary form. The best part about her videos is that she has her examples on-screen and color-coded. It may seem like a lot at first, but once you adjust to it, it helps to retain the information.

Cons: Because there’s so much content packed into her lessons, I recommend getting a basic knowledge of Japanese first. She has a video series for basic/introductory Japanese. I would suggest starting with that series or George’s series, or Tae Kim’s guide. Just so you don’t get an information overload.

Overall: There is one video in particular that I recommend to watch and I’ll make another post about it, but I really enjoy her content. Even though some of her videos are very dense with information, the comments suggest that its still easy to follow. I just think that while you can still learn a lot as a newbie, you might retain more if you already understand some grammar.

Japanese (app)

Cost: free holy shit!!

Easy to use: relatively

Pros: search using english, japanese, radicals, or drawing the kanji itself. Flashcard system, where you can build your own decks or use a pre-made one. The flashcards operate on a spaced repetition system. Plus it provides example sentences, compound breakdowns, stroke order, conjugations and JLPT level.

Cons: The drawing search method is sometimes hit or miss but i’m impressed the app has this option at all, let alone that it does not crash the app (like some others I’ve tried). The pre-made decks can have up to 400 words or more which is great if you have that kind of patience but I rarely find myself excited to sift through all of those words only to have about 10 of them be useful to me.

Overall: Okay it’s not like this app is super amazing or revolutionary but it’s a dictionary and flashcard sytem all in one. Say you want to keep a record of the new words you learn to refer back to them later? Make a new deck! Or if you’re reading a book or newspaper and come across a word you don’t know? Add it to the list or make a new deck! I try use new words as often as possible to drill them into my head And although my studying has slowed a bit, this app is perfect to double-check spelling and usage. (At least until jisho.org gets an app). Plus it’s easier to learn and remember words when you’ve come across them on your own.

[addressedtothefire]

Everything I say falls right back into everything

I’ve been thinking about this song and its angles the last few days, its subtle and explicit focus on cycles and sine waves amid the supposedly straight-line hierarchy Lorde’s attempting to climb.

Pure Heroine revolves around the theme of hierarchy: societal tiers, in-groups and out-groups, wealth and the lack of it, status and its markers. Underpinning that fear-driven, everyone-for-themselves worldview is the narrative of Lorde’s naked ambition to reach the top: she’s cutthroat, “coming for the crown.”

In Still Sane we see Lorde striving, point-blank, to ascend. She’s been taught to see her career as a straight path to victory, to believe that succeeding will bring her right to the skies. Lorde pretends, deadpan, to revel in this vision of linear or exponential growth. She states, “I’m little but I’m coming for you . . . I’m coming for the title held by everyone who’s up.” In the chorus, she again parrots and exaggerates the culturally understood image of the straight path to success, turning into a chant the capitalistic truism that continued hard work leads unambiguously to world (or career) domination: “All business all day / keeps me up a level / All work and no play / keeps me on the new shit.” The steady rhythm underlines the repeated working beat of the day-after-day exertion. Hidden behind the main vocal, voices whisper the typical pop song wisdom: “chase paper.”

But then fear drives in, complicating this simple story. What if you reach the top, only to break down because of it? What if you reach the top, but it makes you hate the things you loved? Success changes people: You might go “insane,” breaking down and abusing drugs and alcohol like that girl who’s now tripping over on stage. You might hate life on the road; a life spent in fancy hotels (a symbol of the wealth you once coveted) might drive you off the edge. 

And then there’s the kicker: How can Lorde live with herself when she’s playing the game of the hierarchy, endorsing its rules and its rule? How can she strive to stand atop a tower built on the bodies of those she’s knocked down along the way?

Lorde simultaneously is attracted to and repulsed by the “royals” whose ranks she lusts to join. She’s working tirelessly with the ultimate goal of attaining that pinnacle of wealth and fame, but more and more she wrestles with a moral question that forms the foundation of her daily grind. She agonizes, “only bad people live to see / their likeness set in stone / only bad people live to see / their likeness set in stone /what does that make me?” This lyric, a subjective statement issued as fact, evokes images not of people who might considered “bad” on the level of pop culture celebrities, but of dictators whose images were once sanctified into statue, then torn down when the tide changed course and they were newly understood as the story’s villains: Vladimir Lenin, Muammar Gaddafi, Saddam Hussein. If Lorde understands as indisputably true that people who get to the top are without exception this breed of “bad,” then how can life at the top truly be the “top”?

But despite all this all there is for her to do is to continue dutifully trudging along on that climb, harmful as it may be—it’s the only thing she knows, the only path there is, the only path of value in this world. “All work and no play / let me count the bruises.”

And so Still Sane depicts how it feels to be constantly “on the come up” while every day you’re violently aware that the goal you’re pursuing may in fact be a) not a bit desirable after all and b) as morally bankrupt as it possibly could be.

___

In the structure of the song, Lorde complicates the image the chorus paints of the straight path of success. Because if living at the top makes you insane, makes you “lose it,” makes you one of the “bad people” set in stone, then it can’t be true that working your way up from the bottom is a straight-line worthwhile goal. Instead it must be something else, the shape it feels like to live this way: a desperate cycle, a recumbent circle, a wave.

In the verses and bridges Lorde casts doubt onto her painted picture. She sings, “I’m not in the swing of things / but what I really mean is / not in the swing of things yet.” While the sentence itself seeks to assert that Lorde is on an upwardly mobile path, the pattern and word choice of the statement bely its own meaning. The sentence means to state that any shortcomings will soon be brought into place, improved upon, and rectified. Anything not good yet will only get better. Practice makes perfect, and Lorde will practice until our fingers are bleeding. The lyric reinforces that of the chorus: “All business all day / keeps me up a level.”

But the statement itself is a pendulum. Rather than continue to move precisely forward in the style the bulk of the song exalts, this statement doubles back on itself, unsteady or unsure. Further, the musical math of this section, split into a waltzing three distinct lyrics, refutes the steady marching 2-and-2 pattern of the verses and chorus, launching the song off-balance. The word swing itself lends more doubt to the mix, seesawing the bridge off a hinge from one point to another, from point a to point b to point a to point b-prime.

Adding to the structural theme of uneven, untraceable motion are the song’s occasional overlapping lyrics: In that one line where Lorde admits to life lived in a cycle, she uses text painting to nearly drown herself out with the next incoming thought: “Everything I say falls right back into everything I’m / not in the swing of things”.

But even as Lorde’s tone undercuts her voice, she continues to hauntingly repeat the exaggerated, ambiguously sarcastic chorus, repeating again and again that dull, even drone, trudging onward on that lonely path to the top, admitting it all but moving forward nonetheless:

“All work and no play / never made me lose it [let me count the bruises] / all business all day / keeps me up a level / all work and no play / keeps me on the new shit, yeah.”

[aislingeach]

Another Letter...

Mom,

I love you more than anyone else. I love you big much and forever. I wish you felt more deserving of that love. You deserve so much better than the life you have. You took me in and raised an amazing daughter. Yes, we have our faults and the process of raising me wasn’t perfect… but you did the best you knew how. You gave me all you could. I wish you could see that you’re worth so much more than the love and treatment you accept… but we accept the love we think we deserve. I’m sorry things haven’t turned out as what you actually deserve in life. Currently though, a lot of that is by choice. You continually choose Scott over everyone and everything else, including yourself. Granted, I will never understand what it means to birth your own child and I will never understand the feelings that come with that. From a semi-objective point of view, it is still a choice to risk everything else for one child, especially when you have three children.

Scott continues to perpetuate the same abusive behaviors that I grew up with, that cost him custody of Christian and acquired legal trouble, that continue to harm you. It is unacceptable. I cannot continue to support these behaviors by picking up the pieces every time you fall apart as a result of his abuse. I feel that he is literally leading you to your grave. The stress and emotional turmoil only exacerbate your already existing poor health. I have always known I will be relatively young when you die, but I cannot imagine being without my mom before the age of 45.

His behavior and treatment of others leads to fear and resentment. For myself, I hold a little fear and a lot of anger and resentment towards him. Growing up with someone who would constantly yell, belittle me, make me feel worthless and like I did not belong was some of the worst abuse I have endured. I also hold some resentment towards you for this because of your failure to protect me. I specifically remember as a senior in high school standing in the living room with him yelling at the top of his lungs, pointing his finger in my face “she took you in, you selfish bitch” while you stood behind me and did nothing. This wasn’t the first, or the last time something like this happened; it’s just the memory that stands out the most. Or the time I got between the two of you at around age 10 as he was screaming at you and ended up yelling over and over less than a foot from your face “hit me, go ahead and fucking hit me” and shoved me aside when I tried to stop him. A small child yelling to stop and literally standing between you and your abuser. I would frequently wake at all hours of the night to you two fighting, to his abusive language while you stood there and cried. So, I would try and sleep in the backyard with Mitzy until the yelling stopped. Not that anyone ever noticed. I developed insomnia by the age of 11 due to living in constant fear, and this is something that still deeply affects me to this day. I was also highly suicidal in the midst of his abuse, again, not that anyone noticed. Two failed attempts and self-harm that I still have scars from. Yet, you brush this off, throwing your hands up and stating “I don’t want to talk about this” after your daughter has told you that she tried to kill herself twice because of Scott’s abuse. You have no idea how much this hurts.

His behavior and treatment of Christian has also lead to fear, anger and resentment from his own son. He lacks any empathy for the trauma and inconsistency Christian has had to grow up with. His verbal and emotional abuse, the lies and manipulation, the berating, has unfortunately all lead to Christian experiencing the same emotional turmoil I had endured. When it gets to the point that a child wants to kill themselves, it is inexcusable. History is literally repeating itself, and yet he refuses to take responsibility, blaming it on Alina and Ron. This is wrong. If it were their faults, Christian would not be confronting Scott about it. It is Scott’s doing that has led to Christian no longer wanting to exist, to be done with his life, to die. You commend him on being a good father, but sadly, he is not. He has the potential to be, but not until he can control his temper and have more appropriate responses and parenting styles. And to top it off, threatening to abandon Christian… either by running away to Florida, or “pulling a Paul Reed.” In my opinion, Christian does not deserve either of the parents he received, and this is wildly unfair to him. Yes, he has an attitude and yes, he has behavioral issues. However, being a teenager with rapidly changing hormones combined with the multiple traumas he’s endured account for this. Overall, he is a good kid and this goes unrecognized, which is unfair to him. That despite all he’s been through, he continues to have a good heart.

His behavior and treatment of you… I see how you live in fear of him. Your refusal to confront any problems with him; from as small as the pile of dishes in the sink, to as big as his abusive behavior, and your asking me to talk to him about multiple things on your behalf. I see how his treatment of you repeatedly brings you down to a depressive and anxious state. I see how you repeatedly fall apart, withdraw and isolate in response to his treatment. Not to mention, your statement of being “paralyzed in fear.” Him making you feel small, “stupid,” and like you’re losing your mind is abusive. Him continuously expecting you to provide for him and be there to pick up after him is abusive. Him manipulating every situation, every argument, everything in your life to fit his favor and meet his own needs is abusive. This is not love. Abuse is not love.

And yet, he loves to stand on his high horse and preach the gospel and tell everyone else how to be good human beings. This is bullshit. His “good deeds” don’t mean much in the face of his abuse. He loves to play the martyr and loves to tell everyone how hard he’s had it, how shit his life has been, and flaunt how he is still faithful and a Godly man. Yes, he’s had a rough life… but this is no excuse and many of his challenges have been short comings of his own terrible decisions. He chose drugs. He chose poor health management. He chose smoking. He chose to get in bad relationships. He chooses to start arguments, knowing exactly what buttons to push in others and then blames them for the argument and his abusive behavior. And he chooses to continue perpetuating these abusive cycles. He chooses how he responds to adversity every day.

He has consistently shown his true colors and yet you continue to choose him over everyone and everything else. You consistently back him up, regardless of the damage it causes to your other relationships. He has been the source of about 90% of the problems you and I have and at least 75% of the problems between you and Maggy. He is manipulative. He is egotistical. He is hypocritical. He is selfish. He is abusive. The whole family sees it. And yet you choose him.

He will never change unless he does the deep and difficult work to do so, and he has to want it. Which I honestly don’t think he will ever get to the place of truly wanting to change. A big part of this is that you continue to enable and accept these abusive behaviors, so why would he change when he can stay comfortable in the same patterns he’s known most of his life? Discomfort is required for change.

I carry so much shame and guilt over initially lying to Annie about how bad he really is. I did this because I knew it would be what you wanted me to do. Because I am constantly seeking your approval and acceptance with the goal that someday, you will choose me over him. I see now this is an unrealistic expectation. I also lied for some notion that I was protecting you… but I also have to believe in the systems that are in place to protect people from this kind of treatment. So, I don’t really see this lie as protecting you. This lie was also eating away at me; it’s mentally, emotionally and literally physically hurting me. I cannot engage in my own therapy, my own healing process while lying to my therapist. I cannot have walls up with Annie. Honestly, if I was provided therapy all those times I asked for it growing up, there would have been a multitude of CPS reports against him. So really, it’s a miracle he’s made it this long under the radar. I hold so much anger, fear, resentment and pain as a result of Scott that has affected so many areas of my life. It has been truly damaging. I need to be able to heal from this, so I can live a successful and healthy life. I cannot heal if I am lying. So yes, there was an APS report. I’m sorry this upset you, but I am not sorry of any consequences Scott has to face as a result. You reap what you sew.

 Mom, I will always love you big much and forever.

[jaehyunwy]

guess who finally has time to get things done! 

i won’t be making changes to jaehyun’s background, so he’s still the same buff overgrown puppy that everyone knows, just thrown into a zombie apocalypse setting! under the cut are some plots and connections that i would love to have during the event, along with my answers for the task!

plots:

we’re both raiding this grocery store for additional food stock and you’re making fun of me for making the organic section my top priority

an actual attack happened right in front of us, so now we’re hiding in this closet until the coast is clear

i didn’t expect to see some else this deep into the forest and i almost hit you with my weapon, thinking that you were a zombie

we’re both running away from a zombie and you keep trying to tell me something. seriously, what’s so important about it that it can't wait until we get to safety? 

we made a pact to stick together throughout this thing and you went missing, and i’m losing my damned mind looking for you, only to find you trying to coax a kitten/puppy from an alleyway. i’m still mad at you, but we can add the lil animal to our group.

you got bitten. there’s no way that i’m leaving you, so i’m gonna be staying with you and try to help you through your symptoms. i don’t know what i’ll do when you turn, but i definitely won’t be able to kill you.

i got bitten. you should either run or kill me right now because i’d rather die than hurt you, or anyone else. please kill me as soon as i turn.

connections:

[ the dependent ]  i saved you from a couple of zombies and you’ve been clinging to me since (not that i mind)

[ the savior ]  i lost/broke my weapon and you rescued me from an incoming horde. i now owe my life to you and i’m hellbent on returning the favor. 

[ the authority ]  you hold a position in the government/police force and i’m trying to get information from you on how the hell things got this bad this fast

[ the ride or die ]  we entered this apocalypse together and we’re leaving it together. whatever happens to you, i’m not leaving you, and i know you’ll do the same for me.

[ the transformed ]  i’ve been looking for you since the outbreak started and now that i’ve found you - only, you’re not you. you’re a zombie now, but your consciousness is still present.

and a lot more, but these are the ones i have so far! 

task:

Think about your character’s area they live in– how would this impact your survival and response–how fast it spreads– so on and so forth!

he lives in sunny cheonpo. while it’s not as bustling as the city, there are still lots of people, tourists and locals alike, who visit the beach and the surrounding establishments. he also goes to yongdeok and seongcheon regularly, so his chances of getting infected are higher.

How does your character react to the rumors of zombies?

there’s a lot of doubt, initially. as far as he knows, zombies only exist in the horror movies and shows that he tends to avoid watching, plus, he’s not one to listen to gossip or rumors, so it might take some time for the news to get to him, unless a friend tells him about it directly.

Is your character prepared? (Mentally, physically, as well as their food, home, transportation–etc situation. Have they been saving food in case of a crisis?)

he might be strong and fast,but fear can still overtake him at first.  he might enter a shocked state initially, but that changes quickly when his survival instincts kick in. his house is secure and always stocked with food, a first aid kit and all sorts of gears and supplies for his more adventurous side. he has food last him for days, maybe even weeks if he rations them properly, and he’s got camping and climbing gear in case he has to evacuate his home, since his first choice would be the forest (the non-contaminated part, of course). he also has a car to take him places during the beginning of the outbreak, but he wouldn’t use it much in the future because the loud engine noise would alert any nearby zombies of his whereabouts.

Does your character know basic survival skills?

he may seem like a sheltered city boy, but he’s been travelling a lot and has adapted well to situations. he spent two years going to different countries after graduating, and he didn’t stay in five star hotels during most of that time. jaehyun is a nature boy through and through and mainly visited beaches, forests and mountains so he knows how to make a campfire, how to identify basic flora, and knows which supplies he would need. he has experienced bathing at rivers, climbing trees and scaling mountains. he would probably last longer if he hides at the forest instead of the city, as his survival instincts are much stronger there.

How long do you think your character would survive?

longer than most. he’s a cautious person and quick on his feet, but his drive to help every person that he sees along with his hesitance to fight back (in the beginning) would slow him down and maybe even lead to his downfall.

are they afraid/frightened of the outbreak?

of course. he’s going to be afraid of zombies and the possibility of him turning into one, but he’s more afraid for the people that he cares about than the situation itself. jaehyun tends to put other people before himself, so he would be constantly worrying about his friends and family, wanting to know if they’re safe, if they can survive, etc.

Are they afraid/frightened of the possibility of dying and/or being turned?

as mentioned above, yes. he’d rather die than be turned into a zombie, as the latter would make him an additional danger to people, especially those he cares about, but he would be even more scared of both outcomes if he has a group or at least someone that he’s responsible for. 

Are they the type to turn to the chaos of the world and start vandalizing and hurting others–stealing? Or do they help as much as they can?

he literally would rather die than add to the chaos. he’s a caring and helpful person, so he would try to help anyone who needs it, but would prefer to avoid most people as much as he can, knowing that not all of them would have the same mindset as him.  

Do their personalities change in the panic?

playing sports has made him quick to react, enabling him to keep calm and focus on his actions and think up a strategy during dangerous situations. this man also has a seemingly infinite amount of patience when dealing with people, but his perfectionist tendencies will manifest even stronger in this time of need, so he would naturally assume the leader role in a group and take charge.

How do they react when it actually happens before their eyes?

the first time it happens, there’s a short moment of his mind just going holy shit holy shit holy shit on repeat so he might be frozen for a few seconds, but when the danger starts to turn his way, his instincts will kick in and he would either fight back, or flee from the scene. if there are people who need his help, he would try to save them first or try to create a distraction to shift the zombies’ attention on himself or something else, giving the others time to run away. in the future, he would be more prepared and his reactions would be instantaneous. 

Is your character physically inclined? Or mentally?

a mix of both, but leaning more on the physical. jaehyun is a football player so he’s used to having sprinting and tackling people to the ground, having a lot of strength and speed that fits his build. he has a lot of stamina and endurance, so he doesn’t tire out easily. he’s also smart and has the knowledge that he needs to survive, though he does have his vulnerable moments, which tend to happen during the quieter times, like when he’s about to sleep, when everything kinda sinks in. 

Will they go full force fighting the zombies or will they outsmart them?

he would rather avoid and outrun them, as much as possible. he still doesn’t want to hurt anyone, even zombies, especially if the zombie is someone that he knew before the outbreak. as the stakes get higher and he starts to accept that he can’t just keep running, he would start to fight back, especially if he’s with company that needs to be protected.

Is your character part of an important position– Like the police? Doctors? (How do they respond? What extra things do they know that the public does not?)

no, he’s just your regular college student, so he only knows what the public does. he would spend some time studying the zombies, though, trying to find patterns on how they think/move and testing their capabilities, so he might be able to obtain a little more knowledge from that.

How far do you think your character will last?

as mentioned above, he would survive for a long while with his skills and knowledge, but his desire to help everyone would affect that.

What kind of zombie would they probably be? Smarter? Stronger? faster? Slower?

he would be a fast and strong zombie, and quite smart, too. he would be difficult to kill so your best bet is to either injure him or hide from him, as running away wouldn’t be effective since he doesn’t have to face exhaustion like a human would.

[enlightenedrobot]

A Stupid Way to come up with Original Characters and Stories (That Somehow Works)

Find a character from a work you admire. Any media will do, but Children’s media works the best.

Ask yourself a few questions about the character in question. I don’t have a complete list, and the questions are likely going to vary, and most of this is coming off the top of my head, but yeah, here are a few suggestions.

Was there anything about this character that ticked you off? Maybe this character did something that you thought was ooc? Or maybe this character is too perfect and could use a few more flaws.

Does the medium or genre prevent the character from performing certain actions? Furthermore, do certain aspects of the characters life, including sex, gender, social status, and age prevent this character from acting in a certain way?

Is there something you want to see the character do that you know will never happen in the show?

And finally, is there anything you want to change about this character?

Rant to yourself or to tumblr about everything the show apparently did wrong. Constantly switch between getting mad at yourself for nitpicking a show you love and being mad at the work itself for not being 100% perfect. 

Scream into a pillow, make yourself some hot cocoa, eat a full dinner, and then take a hot shower. 

Get out a sketchpad or a word document or anything else you use to brainstorm and start drawing and or writing about the character in the show. But write the character the way you think they should be, as opposed to the way their presented in canon. 

Take into account that changing some aspects of your character will effect the story in some pretty big ways, especially if what you changed is an action the character performed. Maybe that Magical Princess ran away at a young age under the stress of becoming queen before joining a gang and ultimately becoming a crime boss? Maybe that Alien supervillain can be reformed by showing them the good things about the planet Earth. When you change an aspect of a story, justify the change by having it affect every other aspect of the story. Whatever you do, though, don’t handwave the change. Instead embrace it... those changes are where the heart of your story lies.

Don’t be afraid to add in elements from other works of fiction other than the one you’ve chosen. Most of the plot elements of Gravity falls and Rick and Morty, for example, are just similar enough to make a meeting between Ford Pines and Rick Sanchez possible. 

Look over your work and note just how far you’ve drifted from canon. If you’ve changed the idea enough, it should feel kinda alien to the original work. If it’s too similar, then if might be a good idea to repeat the previous steps.

Some of the things to note include tone, genre, level of obscenity, and target demographic. Considering how fanworks typically go, we almost unconsciously make dark shows light and fluffy and light and fluffy shows dark and gritty. This can be a good thing when done right.

The humour of the work will also depends on the type of humour you feel comfortable writing. Sometimes your humour will be almost exactly like the original work, and sometimes it’ll be drastically different. Aim for the latter.

If you added in elements from another work of fiction, then certain patterns are inevitably going to be formed. using the Rick and Morty/ Gravity Falls fandom above, one can’t help but make Ford and Rick foils of each other; two interdimensional science dorks, but one has a stronger sense of morality. The character reactions between the two of them is dripping with potential that we’ll never see in canon, because these two shows air on different networks and are aimed at different target demographics.

If necessary, repeat the process again, but this time apply this to your version of the character. Continue until your happy with what you have.

Finally, rename the characters, and if you’re an artist, re-draw them as well. The new names and designs should reflect the character you wrote, not the character you were inspired by. 

And bam, you just made something original. 

Now obviously, this isn’t the only way to make characters or write stories... artists tend to draw from real life just as often as they reference other works of fiction. But the great thing about this process is that it depends entirely on your own personal interpretation of not only the work of fiction in question, but also of how the world around you works. I believe that we, as humans, are natural complainers and nitpickers, constantly believing ourselves to be the sole authority on how the world should work. On one hand, it might be easy to just rant about it and call it a day, but I believe these rants hold quite a lot of creative potential. Writing isn’t about coming up with something wholly new and original... story telling is pretty much limited to the human experience, and we’ll always fall back on something familiar (note the tropeless tale)... instead, its about writing about the familiar in a new way.

Thoughts?

[cheollies]

Patient Man

a/n: requested by anon who wanted a long distance type of scenario with Seungcheol

Genre: Angst to Fluff

Warnings: None

It was 1 in the morning, wrapped securely in his warm blanket, Seungcheol blinked repeated as the brightness of his cell phone reflected on his face. It was currently noon for you who was currently residing in New York City, Seungcheol crinkles his nose, trying to keep his eyes open as his phone rings constantly.

He was patiently waiting for you to answer the videocall. Seungcheol missed you more than anything in the entire world, he missed your touch, your warmth, your laughter. He misses the way you hand played with his hair in bed, the way your head tilted back whenever you giggled or laughed, the way your hands cannot sit still and he’d always hear the light tapping against a table in his still apartment.

pick up pick up pick up pick up

His phone buzzes and Seungcheol smiles for a split second until the screen reverts back to the message page.

Could not reach the person you are trying to call. Call back or Call another time.

Seungcheol shuts off his phone, he pushes it onto the lamp desk next to him. He rolls onto his side, staring emptily at the unoccupied space of the bed.

When you accepted the job in America, Seungcheol was ecstatic for you. He picked you up in your arms, ran all around the apartment complex while screaming congratulations. It was a temporary position, supposed to only be for six months and in those six months, you visited Seungcheol once a month.

Once a month he got you in his arms for 2 days. Once a month, he got to kiss your lips that stained his mouth of cherry lipgloss. He got to drag his hand along the outline of your body, he got to tug needless clothings and pepper with sweetness in bed. It was once a month at the got to wrap his arms around your back, your back hitting his chest and he whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

Seungcheol thought six months was nothing. After six months you would come back home to his arms and you and Seungcheol would fall back into the normal pattern of waking up together. But six months turned out to be three months ago. The once a months had suddenly halted itself four months prior to that and you began to state that you were busy.

‘Seungcheol i’m so sorry I can’t come this month, I have a deadline to meet’

‘There’s a meeting the next day and I can’t come’

‘Seungcheol please don’t me mad at me’

The excuses began to drive him mad. Here and there all he ever did was wait patiently for you. He did everything for you. Seungcheol adjusted his sleeping schedule, always planned his breaks to coincide with yours, always left work early just to spend five minutes with you on a call that you never pick up. And when you do, there’s always an excuse to end it early.

Seungcheol was done. He was tired of waiting, he was done being the hurt puppy sitting at the door eagerly waiting for the his owner to return home only to receive a pat on the head and nothing else. No matter how much he loved you, how much he wished he could drop everything and fly to New York himself, Seungcheol knew he couldn’t spend his time waiting for someone he doesn’t know when would come back.

It’s two in the morning now. Seungcheol’s phone buzzes as the light fills the dark room. Seungcheol groans, rolling around in his large bed, he slaps his hand on his phone. His eyes adjusting to the brightness and his heart thumps. Your contact picture shows on the screen and he’s almost ready to burst into tears.

“hello? Seungcheol?”

The video call on his end is dark due to the timezones, but Seungcheol is staring at you who’s face brightens up the screen, it feels like it had been years since he’d seen you. Your face looks thinner, your make up a different style, the earrings you’re wearing looks to be new.

“Yeah it’s me. It’s just dark in my room. You know, it’s two am after all.”

Your smile causes his heart to clench and he thinks, this may be the last time he gets to see it.

“Right. I forgot. I’m on break right now. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your call before, I was in a meeting”

Typical

Seungcheol shakes his head, “No, it’s alright. I understand.”

A breath of relief escapes from you, “I knew you would. Let me tell you all about my day, so--”

“Actually, we need to talk.” Seungcheol cuts you off and you tilt your head on the other end, waiting patiently for his words. He’s quiet, his voice meek, feeling as though he’s the smallest person in the world in that moment, “I think we should-----”

“Don’t.” Seungcheol is startled by your words. He can see your eyes softening and it hints with sadness, “I know. I know I keep giving you excuses, I know we don’t have time to see each other let alone call. I know how much this affects you but please don’t.” Seungcheol notices your eyes watering and he suddenly feels like a giant jerk.

You awkwardly laugh, bringing your free hand to clear your eyes of tears, “I miss you so much Seungcheol. I miss your lame dad jokes and how you put everything on the top shelf so I have to ask you for help. Oh god, I miss your hugs and kisses so much.”

Seungcheol slowly grins, a slow breath passes his lips and when silence fills the screen. Seungcheol’s eyes set lovingly on yours, the question he ask sets your heart on fire.

“So how was your day.”

One year. It was a little over a year since you accepted that temporary job position. Six months since you were originally suppose to be home. Eight months since he had last seen you in person.

Palms sweaty, Seungcheol nervously picks at the ends of his shirt. He watches the doors open and people flooding out. Eyes scan the entire room, darting left from right and his shoulders slump for a minute when he sees the crowd dwindling. When all hope is almost gone, that’s when everything moves slow.

You step out, dragging along your luggage behind you. A pair of sunglasses are decked on top of your head, your hair seemingly shorter than he had remembered a year ago. Your eyes scan the room that is slowly dispersing of people, and when you finally catch his, there’s a click. A switch is turned and the slowness quickens.

You’re running, your bag desperately trying to keep up with you before it falls to the ground, landing with a small thud. And you’re embracing the patient man. Seungcheol chuckles when you dive into his arms, your face buried into the safe chest of his that covers your silent sobs.

“Why are you crying?” Seungcheol grins when he pulls your face up, hands resting on your cheek, he using his thumbs to wipe away the tears.

“I missed you so much idiot.” Your words are joined with hard breathing and a few hiccups.

The grin on your face leaves you breathless. Your bury your face again into the chest of Seungcheol’s and he places a kiss to the top of your head, his hand rubbing your back reassuringly.

“Let’s go home.”

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/incoming-clarity/

Incoming Clarity

Incoming Clarity

By A Gift From Gaia

It’s getting real now, “things” become clear and yet many could be experiencing the confusion within the clarity, which completely exists, the confusion is the resistance, the non decision, the want to play out in the “old way” and yet something within keeps distorting the line, magnetising us, charging us, to take the path of light.

Many move into refusal because this path appears to hold lack, which of course is only ever a reflection to be Seen and worked through because whilst this path may highlight things to be dissolved or released which to the limited version of self appears as loss, the gain on the other side is magnificent.

The truth is, the only loss, is “weight” that slows everything down, you included, and weight is easy to spot because it’s hard to shift, areas of the reality that just don’t budge, the feeling of restriction within, words being used such as impossible, difficult, stubborn, stuck and a million more, when these are arising within the thoughts and reverberating within the body creating sluggishness then we KNOW we are playing with the old, we know something requires to be data dumped to allow the speed to pick up again, and this is the space so many get confused and chaotic, especially for those new to learning how this all works.

Seekers collect information about spirituality, and in the beginning whilst we still hold the patriarchal programming of valuing knowledge, we like to show off like peacocks with the data we have stored in the files of the mind, the patterns are so simple to see and the inauthenticity is felt, massively, because what is still unbeknown is firstly this data of old, from past frequencies, is exactly that….spent data, required for the times, but this is a process of evolution, we are not devolving into the old ways, which ultimately weren’t aligned because we have been declining ever since, light doesn’t decline by itself, truth cannot be untold, no, we are creating something quite different, we are anchoring the new world, we are now aware of our Quantum existance and as we clear from the old beliefs and stories of spirituality we open as a pure channel, we are ascension pioneers creating something entirely brand new here and yet tried and tested (if you like) from our Ancient Future Race, the race that thrives, in harmony, that cares about its host and has learned that to be at One with the All and to experience the magic that this Earth has to offer then the only space to exist from is the heart, this has never been Seen on this Earth….I digress, and secondly it holds no use just being data in the mind, the whole point to all of this is to BE-COME through discernment and experiencing everything that is being SAID from the store I like to call The Know Bank.

The Know Bank is a super store sized space in which everything collects up, everything is known, we hear it all the time, “I know I should but…” The metaphysics who love to debate and state, they too hold a super sized know bank and it is down to these two specific patterns why the out there feels and reacts so very distorted, this is why folk in the spiritual realms don’t feel understood, it’s a mirror, the confusion is because the knowledge, what is known, is stored in a place, a think tank, it’s like a bucket of ideas that exist on a drawing board and haven’t yet been tried and tested, and yet the owner is trying to flog them to all and sundry, like a market stall owner shouting from the top of his voice, trying to sell his super magical, super sweet, INVISIBLE apples……it doesn’t feel right to most, it’s fake, unbelievable, and what’s more interesting is something doesn’t feel “right” in the Seeker either, most often showing up as a complicated, slow and sluggish reality.

The proof is always in the pudding….

It’s time to cash in on the know bank, it’s time to begin experiencing what IS and what WAS, what creates light transformations, what brings peace, alignment and holds a space for perfection, it’s time to see where there are investments being made into discord, corruption, fear based ideas and beliefs, again these are easy to spot because the physical body will be overloaded with its pain alarm system, despair, regret, attachment hurts, mentally and physically, it creates dis-ease, those stuck in these spaces are so easy to spot, appearing tired, withered and constantly speaking spells into the field, repeating stories of hard times, hard illness, hard pain, words of struggle and these are best to allow to RIP, the living version, which to guide these the most loving therapy is to not allow them into the field, we all know that in order to realise Self we require that alone time, we require our reality to close down those areas that hold avoidance, we all know that our awakening removed people and places that weren’t aligned, well the same goes for those who choose to stick around in these spaces, and as light walkers it’s our duty to flow with the process, which means following the rules, removing frequencies of discord, however they appear, because this is the process of how it clears and to stand in the way, to continue to hold, fix, over support and so on, is working against Divine Order and will only show up as more weight to bear.

The path of light is entirely about experience and now is the most amazing time to start cashing in on those I KNOW tokens you’ve been collecting.

So what do you know? If you are feeling stuck in the reality, and I ask, what does that voice repeat most often…”I know I should do…” Here lays your number One next move, that is your next step, no more I know, and always I Am. It’s the same pattern of manifestation, don’t hope, KNOW. It’s how we manifest the things we perceived as bad so well, there was old programming that knew it attracted shit and yet hoped sometimes it might attract something amazing….remember those times? When that penny dropped it changed everything.

Same goes for the old spiritual data stored up, do you still hold the programming that someone else can heal you? Of course, healers can pacify, ease, and slow down the dis-ease but now we have evolved we see how those ways never worked, that the dis-ease isn’t just something we get, we pick up, there are no accidents, everything is symbolic and points to the ancestral programming of the lineage, we now know that everything speaks, that we can relearn the language of Self and the only person that can heal Self, is Self, it has to be an experience that clears the energy of the mind and the physical, that we dissolve the programming and reinstall the latest versions that are coded in Unconditional Love, we now know that to heal means we raise our vibration because there is no dis-ease in love frequ2ncies, there is only not stop expansion.

Let me tell you there is no such thing as a healer, there are only guides, those who have trekked the path, who have experienced and found themselves through the entanglement of old, and we don’t heal, we wouldn’t want to take that incredible journey away from anyone, it’s the most magnificent journey you can ever take, why spoil something so magical, we couldn’t even if we tried, it would be like trying to chew cotton wool or scrape our nails down a chalkboard, no way hosay! Guides guide, we share keys, we assist with support, where support is already being self given, we are here to share the gems that we collected and to pass the keys we picked up for you to try, but we DO nothing other than stay present in our truth and be the example, holding fields aligned to our keys, and through this, some merge with the spectrum and some drop out and begin seeking spectrums according to their frequency requirement.

This is becoming most interesting as we begin to see the sorting, if you like, I joked a few years ago and called them splinter cells, keyholders dotted over our globe, sharing, surfing and expanding groups of awakeners and light pioneers, we can now see the convergence on the horizon, the once fabled Unified Race is manifesting into reality now and the next huge step for humankind will be the mergers of these unions, these splinter cells will join, working together, focusing together singing the same celestial harmonies, living, breathing loving souls that guide more by simply being the example

That’s another gem as we receive more clarity, the belief we needed to DO, everything is showing to be happening as required, Divine Order and Time is highlighting and reflecting back that our only choice we take is the one that holds conscious everything, we release the idea of fixing out there and we know that all changes are made from within, we found the Creator space.

These are super amazing times, and we are now moving into a Neptunian, Saturn and Self trio energy as our Sun dances with the waves that now create the ability to release more, to see more to shift more, the path becomes clear or the distortions that block the path become clear and in order to travel this path it will require cashing in on some of those tokens, making those affirmations real truth, and not words muttered to try and bridge the lack, BEing the most expanded, open, kind, caring, soft, attentive, focused, compassionate frequency you can reach, which we know begins with Self, it’s emanated not given to please.

It is time to experience your chosen path, it’s going to feel new, it is UNKNOWN to anything you have done in this lifetime, there are no wrongs just experience, and if we learn to pay attention, if we have been following the gems and releasing the old beliefs, values, attachments and ways then this clarity is going to be the most finest example of crystalline amazement this Earth has ever Seen.

The entire globe is either focused on construction or deconstruction and neither should be judged, every person is completing their mission, dissolving or evolving and now the path unveils 💙

Connecting with you all deep within the Cosmic Heart, sending pulses of gratitude to All that makes this REALity so incredible.

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[gutterballgt]

So this has been on my mind for days so I had to share. What if Chuck and Herc had been at the Academy for whatever reason when Knifehead hit? Do you think they would have gone to see Raleigh, since Herc is a fellow Ranger? How do you think little Chuck felt watching his favorite non-relative Rangers fall like that? Do you think Chuck demanded Herc take him to see Raleigh? And if he did, do you think they would've walked in on Raleigh screaming for Yancy?

*rubs hands together*

This is a top-shelf ask, and it’s gonna get the royal treatment. Because I, too, have wondered, and I’ve even been tempted to write about it.

So, to start: “What if Chuck and Herc had been at the Academy for whatever reason when Knifehead hit?”

I think it’s a general fandom consensus that Chuck idolized the Becket brothers during their glory years. I mean, he borderline hated his father (never; he never ever hated Herc for one second, no matter how bitter and angry he was), he was already beyond determined to become a jaeger pilot and get revenge for all the things… and here are these two young, stalwart, unpredictable but HIGHLY EFFECTIVE blokes who are killing kaiju left and right and making all the headlines.

It doesn’t hurt that they’re also pretty to look at. But that’s beside the point.

Young Chuck, too angry and hurt to look up to his own father (we’ll not talk about Scott because that’s a whole ‘nother bag of snakes to lay straight), would’ve been very likely to grasp onto these kids – because Raleigh really was just a kid when they joined the program – who were everything he wanted to be, saving the world and shit. I can’t imagine him NOT idolizing them, frankly.

So maybe he pestered Herc – who had NO idea what to do with his prickly, ball-of-rage-and-gall son he’d saved in a moment’s blind panic when he realized he couldn’t save both of them and Angela would kill him if he’d saved her and left Chuck to die – to take him to the Academy. Not to meet the Beckets, of course not, why would he want to meet those stupid American wankers? But to get a feel for the Academy itself, since he was by-God going there himself as soon as they quit with the bullshit age restrictions and accepted him.

And Herc, guilty and lost and with nothing but the war and his already-dodgy brother and his small, angry, standoffish son who never wanted ANYTHING because he was always so angry… made it happen. Maybe it would lessen some of that anger. Maybe… they could get past it if they could just spend some time together. Fun time, not shatterdome time.

Now: “Do you think they would have gone to see Raleigh, since Herc is a fellow Ranger?”

Oh, my, yes. That would’ve been #1 on the list for Chuck, though he would never have admitted it. Young Chuck would have put it as an after-thought, an “Oi, while we’re here, can I maybe meet that youngest pilot bloke and tell him not to rest on his laurels because I’MA be the youngest pilot any day now?”

And Herc, likely hoping the Beckets’ easy-going manner and friendly smiles would coax back some of the brilliant, happy little boy he’d lost back in Australia, set that shit up like it was nothing.

Then: “How do you think little Chuck felt watching his favorite non-relative Rangers fall like that?”

Okay, Satan. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

Because even so young, Chuck was no stranger to the concept of mortality. Sure, the jaeger program had, up to this point, been a resounding success. That doesn’t mean he’d missed how badly we’d fared against them before the giant robots. How much of our own planet we’d poisoned fighting them off with nukes because… what else could we do?

He was a bright kid. Too bright to NOT know what was happening.

So even though the jaegers hadn’t started falling in earnest yet, he knew there was a distinct possibility of it happening sometime.

But not the Beckets. Not those shining examples of youth and ingenuity overpowering brute strength and terror. Not now. Not YET. Not when he was supposed to meet them TOMORROW, dammit.

They… they were… humanity was WINNING. How could it have gone so wrong?

Herc, of course, got immediately sucked into a strategy meeting because, even then, Stacker Pentecost knew who he did and didn’t trust. Chuck was worried because Herc had made mutterings about how stupid it was to call what happened “disobeying orders” because you don’t bloody get to argue an impossible order when a goddamn kaiju pops up in your bloody face, and it sounded like… maybe the younger Becket was in trouble.

BIG trouble. Get-kicked-out trouble.

If he lived, which wasn’t expected. Because everyone knows that when your Drift partner dies, so do you.

It wasn’t his mother dying all over again. He’d never met the kid, after all. But… he had a Becket brothers poster on his wall in his bunk, and one of those brothers was already gone, and the other one was in critical condition and rumored to be more than half out of his mind in the med bay (understandable, considering how much of him must’ve been yanked out with his brother’s body), and apparently going to be kicked out in disgrace if he DID live, and….

For a while, young Chuck couldn’t do anything but sit on the edge of his bunk and, well… not cry, exactly. Again, it wasn’t grief. It was… a loss. A loss of hope. A blow to his dream of being the youngest jaeger pilot and kicking kaiju ass and saving the world.

He’d always wanted to be Raleigh Becket. Now, Raleigh Becket was damn near a vegetable and might not live out the week.

So: “Do you think Chuck demanded Herc take him to see Raleigh?”

HELL NO. Are you kidding? The little bastard snuck away when Herc was off in yet another meeting about what to do now that the world knew the jaegers might not be enough anymore.

He just needed to KNOW, okay? Maybe… it wasn’t all over before he ever got a chance to prove himself. Maybe… Becket could still be okay. Maybe… and he was rather proud of this one… maybe he could actually be of comfort. Maybe they could be friends.

Hell, if he played his cards right, they might even end up as co-pilots. Him and Raleigh Becket. Kicking kaiju ass and saving the world.

So you bet your ass he snuck away. I won’t divulge whether or not he was humming theme music as he kid-ninja-ed his way to the medical bay (he totally did, and he was blissfully unaware that literally all the shatterdome personnel he passed saw him; they were just too gobsmacked themselves to do anything about some kid running around while the world was falling apart around them).

And finally: “And if he did, do you think they would’ve walked in on Raleigh screaming for Yancy?”

Not exactly. Not screaming, anyway. More… constantly weeping in both physical and mental pain, unable to grasp that the presence in his mind was gone – but sort of wasn’t at the same time, which was worse; like a phantom ache but inside his mind instead of in a missing limb – unable to stop repeating his brother’s name, though his voice was little more than a harsh whisper.

He was strapped to the bed. At first, Chuck was FURIOUS. How DARE they? This was one of the best jaeger pilots in the world, dammit!

But there was blood on the pale blue hospital johnny, a blotchy stain over the right flank, a weirdly tidy patch in a geometric pattern over the left shoulder and chest, and before he could make a right ass of himself, he realized the restraints were an attempt to get Becket to hold still and stop reopening his injuries.

Jesus. This wasn’t… he couldn’t….

Was there anything left in that young, handsome, All-American blonde head but a dead man’s name and unendurable pain?

Chuck lost his nerve. It was only for a moment, but it was long enough for him to turn away from the demoralizing sight on the bed. Long enough for him to take a step toward the door, toward telling himself none of this had happened, because if this had happened to Becket, it could happen to HIM, and he damn well wanted to pilot a jaeger someday, and to do that, he had to get that image out of his head.

That could be HERC, and he had to get away right now because no.

Then, the constant, hoarse litany of broken Yancys stopped, freezing Chuck just inside the door.

A soft, soul-weary sob.

Another.

Gritting his teeth, young Chuck turned his stubborn self back around and faced the truth. The truth was Raleigh Becket, strapped to a hospital bed, cheeks wet and almost blistered from the constant stream of tears, lips cracked and voice wrecked and body scarred and broken in a blood-stained hospital johnny.

“Mr. Becket?”

Jesus. He sounded like an idiot.

But the restless would-be thrashing stilled.

“Uh… do you… need anything?” He narrowly avoided facepalming. “I mean, I could… are you thirsty? I can get you–”

Raleigh Becket suddenly screamed, full-throat, his body arching against the restraints, fresh blood staining the pale blue. If Chuck had been even a few years younger, he’d have pissed himself in terror.

It was a near miss, even now.

“Raleigh, stop! Jesus, mate, please stop!”

Because the scream went on, hoarse and throat-tearing and awful, and years later, after he’d picked a fight with the has-been, he’d go back to his bunk in a fury and suddenly remember that scream and how it had seemed to reach down his throat and grip his guts in a frigid clutch until he just wanted to sit down right there on the floor. Until he clapped his hands over his ears because surely his eardrums would burst from the intensity of it.

The sudden memory – how could he have forgotten? it had haunted his nightmares for years, though he would never admit it – would send him into the jaeger bay to work on Striker, and he and Herc would have yet another shitty argument about how Chuck would never be good enough.

And he would again remember that scream and how he’d wanted to maybe be Becket’s friend, his co-pilot, but he had instead damn near pissed himself and, in a panic, had used the kerfuffle of all the running medical personnel to skulk away like a coward, instead.

He never told Herc.

But eventually, after Pitfall and a few tentative, awkward conversations that slowly became easier and full of more laughter than painful silences, he did tell Raleigh.