#on the upside though the song they played during this scene slaps

[toastingpencils37]

This shit was hella disturbing as a kid and is just as disturbing now

[yourdreamscenarios]

When he cheats on you part 2

∙ Request ∙ Word count: 3.1K

“So, have you heard from him?” Sarah asked once more, as if she hadn’t asked that question a thousand times during the past couple of weeks. You rolled your eyes at once of your most cherished band members and even though you loved her, you wished she’d just leave.You’d banned the topic Kim Seokjin in your dorm for as long as you possibly could. But there was a time a person simply could no longer run from their problems. It seemed like you’d reached that point about a week ago, when your members had been done with your sulking and had told you to call him and talk to him. But here was the thing. No matter how much you it hurt you to talk about what had happened and no matter how much it pained you to hear someone say his name, it was nothing compared to the rage you felt. It was boiling inside of you, day and night and you were afraid that once you’d no longer have anything left to distract you from all of those bottled up feelings, you’d just loose it. 

There had never been someone who’d been able to make you feel all of these things. One of the most important people in your life had put a knife in your back and you had never felt more betrayed. He was supposed to be the one who supported you whenever, through whatever. And instead he had only been thinking of himself and his own needs. “How about no.” You muttered, knowing you were being moody for no reason. They couldn’t help the situation you were stick with right now. None of it was there fault. Yet,  you couldn’t help but feel like you had to be mad at everyone. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to take it out on something. Take boxing classes perhaps? Maybe they’d allow you to put a picture of Seokjin’s face on your punching bag so you might actually be able to let go of some of your anger. It would feel good to actually be able to put a punch to his face without actually having to deal with the consequences. “Don’t you want to hear from him?” Jaimy asked you from across the room, where she was reading her book on the couch, laying upside down. 

She was one of those human beings you simply couldn’t seem to understand, no matter how hard you tried. She was one of the nicest people you knew, but there was something new to learn about her every single day. And hearing her ask you this question, you knew for sure she didn’t really have her mind into the conversation you were having. “Definitely no.” You said, looking up from the spot behind your laptop to send her a hard stare. As her eyes slowly slipped from the chapter in her book towards yours, she blinked her eyes innocently before going back to her reading. “It might give you some closure, talking to him. Maybe then you can move on, stop being moody.” Kyla muttered softly underneath her breath. Your fingers tingled from the urge to throw something at her while she continued to play her video game like this was some neutral conversation about the weather or your favorite ice cream flavor. 

This was your heart they were talking about so carelessly. You had loved that man, for such a long time. You had given him so much of yourself. You had trusted him enough to let him come close to you, to let him know all the small details about you. And still, he’d been able to hurt you the way no one else had been able to do before. You moved back toward your computer, where you’d opened the program which you used for songwriting. You wished there were any more things you could write but lyrics about heartbreak and hating your ex boyfriend, or the way you wanted to slap him with a baseball bat. The last thing you wanted was to have to think of him every single time you had to perform. So these past few days had consisted of you writing song texts, before saving them in a long forgotten map on your computer where you’d hopefully never have to look at them again. 

You told yourself they helped you to progress everything that had happened, but everyone knew that was a round out lie. Why couldn’t your friends just focus on their own stuff instead of trying to be your therapist? “We’re just worried about you, you know that right?” Sarah said, looking up from her piano where she had been jamming on some keys, as if she’d heard your thoughts. You demanded your defending posture back, trying to ensure yourself that was exactly what they were doing. Though, sometimes you couldn’t help but think they were trying to get into the middle of something they just didn’t understand. You nodded once, then sent her a small smile which probably looked as awkward on your face as it felt. “Oh god.” Kyla said, pausing her playstation so that a big source of sound fell from the room. Frowning, Jaimy pushed herself upright, fidgeting as she tried to steady herself and not drop her book at the same time. The probing on the piano keys faltered as Sarah looked up from her melody to stare out of the window. 

It had been raining outside since you’d woken up, which was probably the reason why you’d all decided to stay indoors today. A set of headlights flashed throughout the window and you squeezed your eyes as the light shone straight into your eyes as a car parked on your driveway. You’d recognize that vehicle anywhere. You’d sat in those leather seats so often you’d lost count. The lavender smell still seemed to be lingering inside of your nose. It made all the hairs on your limps rise in discomfort. Out of all the things he’d do, you surely hadn’t expected he would show up at your door. You thought that he’d understand, that after ignoring his texts and phone calls, he would understand that you simply didn’t want to see him. But Seokjin had never been one to quit so easily and he wasn’t one to give up on something he wanted. Displease churned inside of you as you realized that all your members would be able to see this entire scene happen. He’d chosen a hell of a moment to pop in for a chat. Listening to the sound of a car door slam shut you stretched out your neck, trying to see beyond the curve of the wall. 

But you couldn’t manage to see him before the doorbell rang and he was already standing at the front door. An intense silence fell over the apartment as everybody sat on their spot, frozen. The ticking of the clock in the hall indicated a few seconds had passed before the buzzer went off a second time, and quickly a third. He probably knew you were home and he wasn’t going to give up until someone opened the door. “Well, are you going to get it or are we?” Kyla asked, sending you an uncomfortable look from her spot on the couch. You glared at her while slamming your laptop shut, making sure to make it look as dramatic as possible. If you’d find out that one of them had something to do with this sudden appearance, then this wasn’t over yet. The sound of your chair scraping across the floor as you stood echoed against the walls and you took your sweet time making it towards the hallway and towards the front door. 

The thought that he was standing right outside, getting soaked by the pouring rain made you feel quite good right now. Standing on top of your tiptoes you reached to look out through the peephole and to be honest, what you saw made your stomach drop. You’d never expected it to be easy to see him again after what had happened. It was probably one of the reasons why you had avoided sticking anywhere after showcases or watching too much tv these days. You’d avoided his face on purpose, so you wouldn’t have to deal with all of the negative feelings its sight would have to offer. But now, you couldn’t do anything but stare at him, once again realizing how handsome he was. Once he’d been yours, before he’d decided to mess it all up. Taking a deep breath that crushed your lungs, you ripped the lock from the door and opened it. 

His hand had once again been on its way towards the doorbell, but paused halfway as he realized you were standing right in front of him. He was drenched, his clothing sticking to him in a way that would have turned you on not such a long time ago. Now, the only thing you felt when you looked at him was agony. A silence passed between the two of you as you stood on the dry side of the house and the rain continued to tickle on top of his head. The look inside of his eyes was one you had never seen him wear before. You could sense all the guilt in it, all the pain and the hate he probably felt towards himself. The thing was that you couldn’t bring yourself to care. “What do you want Seokjin?” You asked, surprised that you had it in yourself to sound as cold as you did, while you felt your insides falling apart. A visible shiver traveled through him, and the logical part of you told you that you had to move him out of the rain. If you wouldn’t he’d probably get terribly sick tomorrow. But then you reminded yourself that he had done this to himself, it was his own fault he was standing out there in the cold. 

“I just want to talk.” He muttered, his voice straining as he looked at something over your shoulder. You didn’t need to turn around in order to know he was watching your members disappear from the living room, creeping up to their bedrooms. On one side you were glad they were giving you the privacy to handle this without them being all over it. On the other side, you weren’t sure if you’d be able to do this alone. “I thought I’d been clear last time? I don’t want to talk to you, nor do I want to see you. I want you to leave me alone.” You spat, hoping he could feel the heat of the fire inside of your voice. You hoped your words hurt him half as much as his action had hurt you. For a brief second he closed his eyes, as if letting go of something he’d held onto until now. “Please…” He implored, his voice cracking in the middle of the world. And you realized that perhaps it was his dignity which had just left him, from begging you. God, the strength you held in this situation. 

It would only take you a second to slam the door in his pathetic face. It would only take you a single breath to tell him ‘no’. But you immediately realized that wasn’t what you needed. Kyla was right, you needed closure. If you ever wanted to move on from what had happened and leave it behind you, you’d have to endure this. It took everything inside of you to put a step aside and let him pass. You could tell he was trying to make eye contact with you as he slipped inside of the house, but you purposely looked down at the trail of drops he was creating on the clean tiles. You could feel the memories of all the times he’d been in the dorm probing inside of your mind, willing to surface and make this even harder for you. But you pushed them all back, refusing to give into them. You took your sweet time locking the door, checking twice if you’d done it right. And that time you took to pull yourself back together. Taking deep breaths in through your nose and letting them out through your teeth. No matter what he said, you must never forget what he’d done to you. 

Of that moment you’d found him in your shared bed with a strange woman underneath him, calling out her name. Straightening your shoulders and flipping back your hair, you turned around and walked towards the living room, where he stood at the centre waiting for you. Once he’d been as much at home here as he’d been in his own dorm. Now, he didn’t even seem sure if he was allowed to sit on the couch. You were sure his wet clothing wasn’t the only thing to blame for that. “Well go ahead, talk.” You said, stilling at a safe distance from him. You didn’t want to smell the soft scent of limes coming from him, or see the reflection of yourself in his sad eyes. You told yourself you had to set boundaries, in order to protect yourself. “I wanted to apologize.” He said, and it seemed that only now that he’d said those words out loud, he realized how they sounded. You squared your shoulders and crossed your arms over your chest as you took them in. You could tell the plan he’d made before coming here was starting to unravel in front of his eyes. This wasn’t some kind of fairytale which happened in happy ever after. 

This wasn’t the kind of world where love made you forget all the bad and remember only the good. You wondered if until now he’d even realized how high you’d built your walls ever since everything had happened. He would never be able to break them down again. You’d built them brick by brick, to make sure he would never get back in on the other side. What he did wasn’t something an apology was ever going to be able to fix. “I-I know that’s not what you want to hear. But I’m so, so terribly sorry. I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I never should have done what I did. I will regret it for the rest of my life.” He rattled, wringing his fingers together in front of him. His hair was starting to curl around the ears, in the process of drying up. It was probably the first time you looked him straight in the eye as you answered him. “Good.” You’d never known you had it in you to hold these kind of grudges, to be this mean. But then again, nobody had ever treated you the way he had. He swallowed harshly, emotion flickering across his face. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself for what you were about to say. “Maybe I’d like to hear your story one day. Perhaps one day I could handle an explanation. But not today.” 

“Right now, I hope you’ll feel as hopelessly lonely as I did the past couple of days. I hope one day you’ll found out what it’s like to be left in the cold, to have your heart broken into pieces by someone so important to you, you were willing to give them everything. I hope you’ll find out what it feels like to think it’s all your fault, and you’ll have to handle it on your own.” By now a shimmer of tears swam inside of his eyes and it didn’t take long before the first ones rolled down his cheeks. Not so long ago you would have rushed towards him demanding to know who’s made him this upset so you could fight for him. But right now, you were fighting your own battle and there was only one of you who could win. “Right now, I wish you pain.” You croaked, trying to keep your own emotions in check. You weren’t going to cry, not in front of him. It was one thing to tell him how much he’d hurt you, it was another thing entirely to show him. He nodded, brushing off his tears with his already drenched coat. You could tell he understood, and for now you were able to find peace in that. 

That he knew that he’d been wrong, and that he would carry this mistake with him for a very long time. You hoped he’d be able to use this lesson in the future, even though you’d both had to learn it the hard way. “And now I want you to leave. If I ever wish for you to contact me again, I’ll let you know. Until then, I hope you could at least respect me enough to give me my space.” You said, trying to make him to understand that you did not ever want to see him appear on your doorstep again. He shouldn’t try talk to you when you ran into each other during broadcasts. That he shouldn’t congratulate you on your birthday or text you to ask how you were doing. That he wouldn’t like your Instagram posts and wouldn’t promote your songs. By the look on his face, you could tell he understood, and you could tell it was breaking him apart. Letting out the air you hadn’t known you were holding you stepped aside, creating room for him to let himself back out. He knew how the lock worked, he’d used it many times before. 

“Goodbye Kim Seokjin.” You mumbled, for the last time tasting his name on top of your tongue, the feel op it rolling over your lips. You took him in, trying to put his picture inside of your mind before burying it somewhere in a black box in the back of your mind, locking it and stuffing away the key. His steps trembled as he walked past you, his hand briefly brushing past the sleeve of your sweater as in a final greeting. You felt the love which had once been there glide against your skin, tickle your nerves. But you forced it to trickle onto the floor, together with the trace of water he was leaving behind on the floor on his way out. 

∙ BTS Masterlist ♡ ∙ Masterlist ♡

[mytcisanartteacher]

So. It’s 4 am. It’s also my 18th birthday. Maybe tomorrow I might expose the journal entries that I wrote about my TC. Not all, just the appropriate ones.

It’s crazy to say that I’ve actually made it to this day, along for other birthdays to come. I’ll be fishing today, playing Minecraft with friends and be kinda drunk 😵 🤭, and just have fun today. I’ll be missing my friends who are moving somewhere else for college. Kudos to them for doing that, I know I’d never.

There’s this one friend I wish to hang out with. But apparently he says he’ll be in another town for a few days and won’t be able to make it. He and I had a past, we’re trying to be friends... I guess he just doesn’t want to hang out. I could tell he’s lying. I told one of his friends if he said to them if he’ll be in another town. He said he never heard from him in a while or know any of that sort. So...

I can never stop listening to Hamilton or watching it. I can see why my TC loves it so much. During wrestling trips he sometimes played the playlist. I got an interest because I like musicals a little bit. Then got Disney+ for Marvel movies and Hamilton. I loved it so much! When I listened to it I got chills, but watching it? Oh my goodness it gave me the best chills and got a few tears out of me. My favorite songs are You’ll Be Back, mostly because it just sounds... possessive? I know the people on tiktok use it in that way. My most favorite scenes are Helpless, Satisfied, Guns and Ships along with History Has It’s Eyes on You because the chorus, CHRISTOPHER JACKSON! But Helpless and Satisfied is first favorite because I just felt everything. The way Angelica (Renèe Elise Goldsberry) was singing, tone, emotions, pitch.... gave me mega chills. Even when She was walking with Hamilton with the whole “Where are you taking me?” Oh when I listened to it first that gave me chills. With Satisfied... I can relate. I’ve liked many guys and they went in relationships or told me they don’t like me back... I went on. But I felt the way she was singing.

Usually when I watch it I like get some deep sense of the play. When watching it, when they smiled out of control because they’re realizing it’s a successful show and people love it so much. The overwhelming feeling just hits me when I see their expressions. Like the whole production is amazing! For the stage crew, the lights, music, beats, lyrics... EVERYTHING! I loved the light production when they did the scene Right Hand Man.

Adding on, the whole Satisfied scene gives me mega body chills. For a split second I can just sense that I’m there experiencing that. I felt that when Angelica would rather see others she love happy and sacrifice and bury her desires and wants sometimes. Even the part of keeping and remembering the most special thing when meeting someone they deeply love. For me... it’s his words. They’re so kind. Sure he said some things that offended me a little bit, even the one time he said something that made me feel like I was slapped for some unknown reason. But... that letter of recommendation. It’s the thing I’ll always remember from him. Even the words he wrote in my yearbooks.

My other favorite thing about Hamilton is keeping the characters main words being said along the production. Like Hamilton and his shot. Eliza is helpless. It’s the little things that make the whole show amazing.

The only scene and song that I can feel like I am in that time is Satisfied. I can never stop talking about it, listening to it, and watching it. It’s like I’m looking through it in Angelica’a eyes. I know it sounds crazy. I just feel a lot of things that I can’t explain. It’s kind of a special thing for me. If I deeply love a song/musical/movie scene then I can just feel what is going on and being there experiencing it. It’s an amazing feeling.

When I first listened to it 2 years ago. I wasn’t as deeply in love with it. I loved the music, but as I got excited to see it last month, the whole wait was worth while. The built up impatience to see this amazing production, very much satisfied me. Then seeing the whole crew making hilarious and wholesome videos before the show, after the show... or just hanging out or doing interviews. It’s a new thing I’m obsessed with.

I’ll definitely have to tell my TC about my whole thoughts on Hamilton. I bet he’ll love it.

EDIT

Ok so I’m rewatching it again even though I should be sleeping but I’m just so EXCITED AND my brain is not tired. Writing about Hamilton definitely gave me brain energy. So another scene that I love is Schyler Sisters because of their (is it harmony? Their tones together?) I know nothing about music words. But that’s my guess. My other favorite thing I forgot to mention is when Lafayette and Hamilton said “Immigrants, we get the job done” and when the crowd cheered and you see Lin just smiling at it.... YES SERETONIN. Not to forget when Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down) scene around the end when you see Lin just smiling very big... it may be just Hamilton smiling cuz the war is won but if I did something Lin did and scripted a whole musical and get the crowd clapping... I’D BE OVERWHELMED. Just being on the stage, having a successful night, the crowd is there... mega chills and immediate overwhelming feeling. It’s just chefs kiss.

I think that pretty much covered what I wanted to add on to this post.

OH and the funny thing I found is that Anthony Ramos who played as John Lauren and Philip Hamilton... the first song when he sang “I died for him” 💀💀💀 he pretty much died for him twice. Ok Ik I’m late to this fandom (by 6 years) BUT ITS FUNNY.

Edit

I just can’t stop watching that scene... when I saw Renèe on the screen, I recognized her from Altered Carbon (my favorite show) and when she sang...

I was all over it. Her voice is so strong, beautiful, so POWERFUL! The Satisfied scene.... I just can’t stop rewatching it. I just can’t. I love every bit of that scene. Everything. The parts where the lights are on her, Hamilton, Eliza. The blue lights. The whole choreography. The chorus. The background singing. The EMOTIONS! If I saw this show live, I better carry some tissues because there’s just a lot of strong emotion. It’s not in their acting/facial expressions. It’s the way they sing, the emotions, the overwhelming feeling! It’s official. My bucket list is to watch Hamilton live. But how tf can I when people can’t follow CDC guidelines! I just have to impatiently wait and save up money for travel expenses and tickets. I very much loved the part where she was clutching her stomach. Like that heart shattering feeling that you realized it was too late. When she acted in pain just seeing Eliza falling in love with Alexander more, when they talked and at the wedding. Not to mention the last look at him at the end of the song. It’s so strong.

Along with the Satisfied scene... the rewind, the background chorus (idk what they were saying but it sounded like Hey? Face? That sounded so nice with the beginning.) not to mention the way they moved in slow motion. Oooo that made it better. I can never stop talking about that scene.

[jewish-blackula]

weird sanders’ sides headcannon

i really want to write this but i don’t feel like i can right now. maybe i will soon

Roman is in the military, he’s dreamed of being a knight his entire life and has been training his body since he was nine

His dad was in the air force and his grandfather was in the navy, the family tree has basically been dancing around the military and Roman just said ‘fuck it’ and went for it

He gets injured in battle pretty early on because he puts everyone else’s life before his

It’s his left leg

He keeps insisting it’s fine but

He gets honorably discharged soon after because he can’t even walk anymore

He gets home and for a while, lives in his own apartment in a smallish town in New York above his childhood best friend’s bakery where he works alongside him

(the baker, who is Patton lives next door with his husband, Logan)

Soon the environment gets too quiet for Roman and he needs something to do other than just baking, even though he loves his friends

He starts talking with Logan and he’s shown this platform called YouTube for the first time

Of course he’d heard of it before, he just didn’t really get around to checking it out, he got his first phone a year ago

And he’s shown short films and music videos and that is when Roman finds his new life passion

Acting

He starts listening to musicals, starting with Hamilton

The first time he listens to it, he’s a little uneasy because a lot of songs have excessively loud noises and even though his headphones are pretty low to begin with, it just worries him

But he does love the songs that aren’t super loud

His favorite is the Story of Tonight because of the brotherhood between the four of them and it reminds him of all of his favorite parts of his short-lived service

From there he is introduced to more and more musicals and soon he is just this huge musical theatre nerd and Patton is excited because

“He hasn’t smiled this much since before he was discharged, Logan!”

Roman spends another year in the bakery learning about the musical theatre scene and and YouTube and just listening to some many showtunes

And a lot of customers can hear him singing from the back and he becomes quite well known in the town for being the Singing Baker

Once word gets out that he’s also an army veteran and he’s under the age of 30, he gets multiple younger people asking him out, but he very politely turns them down for now, he’s just not really into the whole relationship scene right now

Sometimes Roman wishes that he could act on stage, but he doubts he can, he can barely walk and eventually he just gives up on it

However, he’s now almost always on YouTube when he isn’t working or exercising

(And occasionally while doing those things too, but Logan would discreetly murder him if he found out he wasn’t on task during work)

One day he’s complaining to Logan about his dilemma and Logan offhandedly says

“You’re watching YouTube so much, you could just do covers on the site.”

And thus starts Roman’s YouTube career

He gets a laptop from Patton for his birthday and Logan provides a suggestion for an editing platform and pays for it as well

Starts very small, a cover of Burn transposed into a lower key by Patton

(Who was apparently also an amazing musician alongside being the best baker Roman knows? How?)

Learning how to edit was the hardest part, but he looked it up on YouTube and slowly figured it out

He tries learning how to record just audio, but he decides to put that one on pause until he gets a proper mic and

He gets really excited to post and excited for people to see the video

But once it goes up

Nobody

Sees

It

Well, until he actually posted a small clip of it on his twitter instagram and tumblr

all of which he had built up a small following of loyal fans in the past few months so that if ever needed, he could get them to do his bidding

The video gets popular enough for his liking and he gets a few subscribers and makes another one

He starts to find a rhythm of operating with these things and can soon start integrating more and more things into his videos and starts to grow

He also starts making videos where he talks about the military and also

Roman screamed the first time another YouTuber reached out to him

(Patton thought something was actually wrong and nearly slapped him upside the head for scaring him so badly)

(once he realized what actually happened, he was also very excited)

Another small YouTuber, going by AnxiousAngelV (or just V) DMed him on Instagram asking about some of his work and which side of the country he was working from

Roman admittedly didn’t actually know who this guy was, but after watching a bunch of his guitar covers and art videos, he fell in love with his work, though, none of his videos or his pictures showed his whole face

((hell yes this is prinxiety, i am garbage for this ship))

They become mutuals and as their channels grow more and more, they do collaborations where V will play guitar on a song as accompaniment with Roman singing over it

They constantly argue which one they did is the best

V likes “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner” cover they did, not only because he picked the song, but because it was the first one V sang with Roman

he falls asleep to it most nights

Roman’s favorite is “A Lovely Night,” V doesn’t play guitar in it, but Patton plays both ukulele and Logan did a some piano

(Roman keeps getting surprised by his friends’ musical abilities. They’re all so amazing)

The real reason it’s Roman’s favorite is because V sings Emma Stone’s part and his voice is

So pretty

he falls asleep to it every night without fail

V sometimes animates over covers Roman does specifically for that purpose, but not very often because his hand is already blistered from constant strumming without a pick

They have the same favorite for this one, which is also the most viewed video on V’s channel

“So This Is Love” from Cinderella

They end up building a ridiculous fandom empire and they may or may not each have their own secret fan account where they may or may not both be writing fanfiction about each other

It doesn’t take long before Roman wants to meet up

(well, he always wanted to meet up, he just didn’t want to push V into an uncomfortable position)

It takes half a year to convince V to meet in person because of “special accommodations” he has to take care of

They decide to do it at Playlist Live, which both of them were going to

And they hype it up for a while on social media and through text

When Roman flies down to Orlando, he texts V all the way there, especially during the parts where V gets on the second flight there and starts getting more anxious

The first day of Playlist rolls around and Roman sits at their designated spot outside the convention center for a while

It’s after five minutes of standing there that he realizes that he’s getting frantically texted by V

He’s having an  anxiety attack

V tells him where his hotel room and building is and Roman

Runs

(he nearly broke his back, he can’t run as well as he used to)

He gets there and almost pounds on the door, but stops himself so he doesn’t scare V too bad

The door opens enough for Roman to swing it open and engulf V in his arms

They spend the next ten minutes calming down

In the next hour, Roman finds out that V is completely paralyzed from the waist down, that his name is not actually V, it’s Virgil, and that Virgil is single and very gay

Virgil doesn’t stop touching Roman (usually in small subtle ways) the entire time

Roman eventually stops trying to talk and they cuddle in the bed and Roman pulls him as close as humanly possible, to keep him safe, from what he doesn’t really know, but he protects him anyway

They’re planning a date by the end of the night

Since they both live in New York, they decided to wait until they get back, just because this was unfamiliar territory and Virgil didn’t need anything else in his life making him nervous

Patton and Logan basically adopt Virgil

Virgil moves into the apartment upstairs with Roman

Their wedding was in the bakery

[notfallplan]

Hold My Hand

Summary:  Dia knows this isn’t her type of scene, not the type of people she’d ever interact with but for some reason and luck, she’s outside of a music festival waiting for her date. (based off from the punk rock set)

Pairing: Kanan Matsuura/Dia Kurosawa (KanaDia)

AO3 LINK

Notes: if you follow me on twitter you already know what this is about.

Dia scans her surroundings, all she sees are big, burly men with tattoos all over their arms, loudly guffawing at whatever their mates have said, some teenage boys with the same haircut- probably annoying and should avoid, and women in leather jackets and ripped jeans with multiple piercings on their faces (hopefully she can befriend one or two), and even though she’s almost wearing the exact same outfit as them, she can’t help but still feel so out of place.

I am out of place, she knows this isn’t her type of scene, not the type of people she’d ever interact with but for some reason and luck, she’s outside of a music festival waiting for her date.

Yes, she has a date, when she first realized it, she has to say it multiple times for her to actually believe it.

She didn’t plan on it actually, she was just at this underground concert with her best friend Mari, who loves dragging her to metal concerts even though she has never been fond of it no matter how much her blonde friend forces her to listen to it.

She had a drink or two and Mari- a good friend that she is, didn’t stop her, “Dia I just want to see you lose control for once!”

And lose control she did.

She remembers jumping and screaming, Mari even said she got pulled up at the stage but she doesn’t remember that (Dia doesn’t know whether she should be thankful that she doesn’t remember and that Mari could be lying or be mortified), but she does remember seeing a blue-haired girl in a ponytail, with headphones around her neck, wearing a leather jacket and a very, very short, shorts, she swore a spotlight suddenly lit up on the girl and that she heard angels singing instead of someone on stage screaming on top of their lungs only for it to come out as if they’re taking a huge dump, and before her drunk self can think of any better, she started walking towards the girl and by some luck, bravery but mostly because of alcohol, she flirted her and got herself a date.

And next thing she knew, she just woke up with the girl’s number written on her arm with black lipstick.

The days before the date, she had to ask Mari to play one of her music so loud just so she’d wake up from whatever dream she’s on, she actually felt their old traditional house shake, and she just knew that this is real.

The girl, whom she just got to know by the name Kanan through their back and forth texting, decided to take her on this music festival, she agreed instantly without any thought, her mouth just blurted out a quick and loud yes over the phone, that she quickly clamped her hand on her mouth, but god was hearing Kanan’s giggle so worth it.  

And at that moment, she just knew she has a huge gay crush on this girl.

She looked up at the list of performer’s who’d be there, and once she saw it, she feels dread at the pit of her stomach and her Britney Spears poster on her room staring daggers at the back of her head, “they’re all heavy metal bands” she says, dumbfounded.

Dia doesn’t hate rock, metal or any kind of heavy music per se, but rather, it’s just not her type, and if she has the choice, she would never ever listen to them or actually attend any of their concerts.

She then spent the remaining days, looking up at the bands and trying to listen to their music, watched youtube videos and observed the strange habitat of metalheads during a concert.

“They sure do like, having their bodies too close”, she frowns and feels uneasy at the thought of huge men being way too close to her.

She shudders.

After thorough research for her date, she’s glad to say that she has never been more scared in her entire life.

Mari dragging her to underground concerts was one thing, everyone in there are always drunk and it was dark and she was always with the blonde to keep her in check. So this time around, she’s deathly afraid she might look like a huge fool in front of this very , very cool girl that she so wants to impress because she's Dia Kurosawa, the calm and collected school president, and she is very, very, very cool too.

Well that’s what Ruby says and Ruby doesn’t lie.

And now the day has come, and she still remembers the disaster this early morning was. She and Kanan are supposed to meet at the entrance of the festival at 5 o’clock and it was only 9 a.m. and she was already freaking out.

She thrashed her room, flipped everything upside down to try and find a good suitable outfit but alas, all she has are pink and red flannels,overalls, skirts that touches her knees, jeans and Britney Spears inspired outfits (it’s not for cosplay she’d say). A week of research but she failed on the clothing department and at that point, she was just ready to cancel the date and fly out to Antarctica and live the rest of her life in igloos along with her sisters, the penguins.

But for some reason god decided to take pity on her when she heard the doorbell ring and Mari’s high pitched voice screaming at her. Her friend brought her own clothes for Dia to try out because she just knew how much of a disaster lesbian Dia actually is.

(It's not like Dia bombarded Mari's phone with multiple texts with just the word HELP.)

Mari helped her with her hair, makeup and sorted out her outfit for the day. She’s grateful for her friend no matter how annoying and aggravating she can be, maybe penguins and Ruby aren’t her only sisters but also this one annoying goldilocks too.

And now, Dia finds herself outside of the festival, wearing this cool leather jacket that has a bit of red in it a white top under it, her favorite red flannel tied around her waist, a very short skirt and boots to finish her “I’m punk rock actually” look.

Mari dropped her off fifteen minutes before it hits 5 o’clock because Dia wants to get a feel of her surroundings first and mentally prepare herself.

“Good luck Dia, make sure to not accidentally take part in the wall of death!”

“Wall of what?!” Dia exclaimed

“Ciao!” and with that the blonde girl drive off.

Now, as Dia stands there, alone, five minutes remaining until Kanan shows up (hopefully she isn’t tardy), she can’t help but feel fear dread take over her body and her palms feels like it can end drought and oh god, I’m sweating, I’m sweating.

She’s nervous, she’s scared. This is her first date, and with a beautiful girl at that, she just hopes god is still out there with her, please don’t make me look like an idiot.

She gulps and grips the pink lollipop, courtesy of her little sister Ruby who gave it to her before they left and said it might help to calm down her nerves, she’s not exactly right but she does appreciate the gesture.

She fishes out her phone from her jacket’s pocket and saw it’s already 5:01, she’s late.

She feels someone in front of her and she looks up and she freezes.

“Hey Dia”

Her heart stops.

“I’m sorry if I’m a bit late, I went to see my friend first to get our tickets but she had a hard time trying to find a parking space”, Kanan laughs exasperated. She’s wearing the same kind of outfit when she last saw her but this time the purple headphones is now red, my favorite color, Dia wants to say it’s just a coincidence but it’s not a coincidence.

And seeing Kanan up close, in the warm glow of the afternoon sun, she looks and seems like a delinquent on the surface and she thinks of how she would have never interacted with anyone like Kanan, how people like her usually gives her the vibe of violence and rule breaking, and just a group of people that Dia would rather drop dead than be seen hanging out with them and or probably be the one to call on the police on them.

But Kanan, Kanan gives off this homey feeling that Dia loves and can’t quite understand as to how someone she’s only communicated through calls and texts makes her feel so light.

“I hope you weren’t waiting too long.”

Dia swallows, she can feel her face heat up, probably from the heat and her palms are still so sweaty, and she laughs softly and shakes her head, “No, no, it’s fine I just got here actually.”

Kanan beams and Dia feels her knees go weak, “Alright, lets go then!”

The blue-haired girl held out her hand, and Dia, for a few seconds, just looked at it.

“Is there something wrong? Am I being too forward?” Kanan asks, her eyebrows furrowing.

Dia immediately blurts out a “No!”, she looks down and she knows this time her face isn’t hot because of the heat.

“I just…” I don’t know whether or not to tell her, she might find me weird or gr-

“Don’t worry, I’m nervous too,” Kanan smiles at her, teeth and all, and she swears those pearly whites are reflecting the sun’s rays, “which means my palms are a bit sweaty too, so we can be gross together unless that’s not what you were thinking and I’m being weird.”

Dia’s eyes widens, she can feel her heart thrum so hard against her chest, that she’s afraid that even with all the noise surrounding them, Kanan might hear it.

“You’re nervous?” Dia asks.

Because how could she be nervous? Do punk rockers even get nervous?

The punk rock girl nods, and amethyst eyes meets emerald ones and it feels like she’s in a Taylor Swift song from her early albums, “You’re beautiful and really cool” Kanan mumbled as she starts scratching the back of her head, “and I’d really want to get to know you more and I’m just afraid I might not be doing a good job at this whole date thing.”

At this point, Dia’s heart just wants to be let out of her ribcage and slap Kanan’s face with all the love it can give and maybe she just wants to kiss the heck out of Kanan right here and right now.

Get a hold of yourself Kurosawa.

And so Dia just takes Kanan’s hand, she wasn’t lying, and she looks forward and she bites her lip to stop herself from grinning too much.

She pulls the punk rock girl along to the entrance and says, “You’re really beautiful too Kanan and don’t worry, you’re doing an amazing job.”

Kanan squeezes her hand and with her back turned, she wasn’t able to see the soft smile and pink cheek of the blue-haired girl.

They first get some water bottles before they get into the pit and Dia finishes the lollipop Ruby gave her, for as much as she doesn’t really want it, it was given to her by her little sister. As she eats, Kanan brings out her map of the festival and Dia sees some dolphin stickers next to the band names.

“I picked out some of the bands I want to see for tonight, is there any band you would like to see? And don’t worry, if its conflict with the band I want to see, it’s okay, I’d tag along with you wherever and whoever it is okay?”

Dia softly says an okay, and as she looks at the map with all the different bands, even with her research she still doesn’t know which bands are worth more listening or seeing to, and honestly, she’d rather sit out of it if she can.

But Kanan might get suspicious her, after all, she did say during her drunken state how much she just loves metal bands and has been playing along with it the entire time Kanan and her were exchanging texts, that she has to have her laptop next to her the entire time so she can quickly search up whatever it was Kanan was talking about.

“Uhm, how about we just go along with all the bands you want to see?”

Kanan tilts her head to the side, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I like all of the ones you picked honestly.”

“Well if you say so, come on then!” Kanan takes a hold of her hand this time and they both start running towards the first stage Kanan wants to get into.

They try to push forward, to get to the front of the stage but with their enemies having such huge and sturdy bodies, they were only able to make it into the middle.

“Well looks it’s center for us then, if you’re unable to see just tell me okay?”

Dia laughs, “what are you gonna do? Carry me?”

Kanan hums and says, “Yeah, you can sit on my shoulder”

Dia feels like she’s going to choke with her own saliva that she starts dry coughing.

She hears Kanan laugh and she pouts as she lightly punches the girl on the arm.

“I’m not kidding though.”

Before Dia could reply, they hear everyone start screaming along with the beat of the drums and the strum of the guitars.

“It’s starting!!” Kanan happily shouts.

Dia just gulps and she looks up at the sky, god please don’t let me die.

The first few minutes were okay, everyone was jumping and has their arms up, and dear god, some of them need to learn what a deodorant is, there were some light shoving and everytime she releases an “ow” Kanan is quick to pull Dia towards her body and glare at whoever it was and how much she wishes that she’d just stay like that the whole time, with Kanan’s arms around her.

She sees Kanan shouting, and screaming some of the lyrics and she tries too, really, she knows this song, barely, but she remembers some of the lyrics but she feels like a puppy barking while the rest are roaring tigers.

This is not her type of scene, but as she looks at Kanan, who has this huge grin on her face, her face flushed, and a huge grin on her face as she screams along with the vocalist, Dia feels that maybe, just maybe, going to this sort of things more would be okay, as long as the punk rock beauty is with her.

They run back and forth to get to the stages with the bands Kanan wants to see, it’s exhilarating and fun, as they always dash around with their hands clasped together, never letting go of one another.

They always only make it to the middle, but Kanan says it’s okay, and it’s more fun to be in the center of things.

“This one goes pretty hardcore, have you listened to them Dia?”

So the other ones before this aren’t even that hardcore?

“Not really?”

“Ahh I hope you like them, they’re one of my favorite bands!”

Dia thinks it’s okay, that it’s actually more hardcore than the other ones they’ve seen but as it goes on, the music gets wilder, louder and the crowd starts being more aggressive and she can’t quite know what’s going on at the front but she can see some people hit and slam each other with their own bodies that she just wants to go home and hide under her bed, but she has to remind herself that this is called “moshing” according to her research and that it’s normal for these people.

She then hears a booming “pick a side motherfuckers” from the lead vocalist, now she’s heard profanities before and has even said some herself but that one feels like the crispiest profanity she has ever heard.

“Do you want to participate in that?” Kanan shouts.

“Participate in what?”

“The-“

“GO BACK MORE MOTHERFUCKERS”

Everyone around them starts going to the side leaving a huge space in the middle now and Dia just goes with the flow of things and starts walking to the side that is until, she realizes that can’t see where Kanan is anymore.

“Kanan?” she shouts. She searches for a blue in the crowd but it proves to be difficult for it’s has now grown considerably darker despite way too many lights on the field and she’s far too short and everyone is just so suddenly taller than her.

“Kanan?!” she shouts again.

“NOW I WANT YOU TO KILL THOSE FUCKERS IN THE MIDDLE”

“What?!” Dia feels her chest tighten, her breathing becoming very fast, her head becoming light but eyes keep searching the crowd.

She feels bodies press on to her as more people walk to the side, she tries to push away but to no avail, she’s just being shoved even more and she wants to cry, she can already feel her eyes becoming hot and tears prickling the corner of her eyes.

Dia then hears the start of a fast drum beat and an even louder and crazier strum of guitars and before she can comprehend what’s going on, she hears a loud “FUCK IT UP!!” and everyone around her starts running to the middle, she closes her eyes and braces herself for the impact of what’s about to happen but all of a sudden she feels a pair of strong arms wrap around her and her head being tucked at the chin of the person holding her.

She suddenly opens her eyes and sees the color of Kanan’s jacket, she feels her lips quiver as she wraps her arms around Kanan’s waist and buries her head to the girl’s neck and Dia is bombarded with the scent of bubblegum and a strawberry scent perfume and Dia has never felt so safe and just so at ease despite of what’s happening around them.

She feels some light shoving but it isn’t as bad compared to the person protecting her, for she can hear Kanan groaning and holding her tighter.

It’s the longest one minute of her life, just standing there, in Kanan’s arms, with people around them looking so rabid and wild as they run towards the middle, to “kill” those poor souls who thinks they can get through whatever this is alive.

And Dia feels conflicted whether she’s in heaven or hell, for as chaotic as everything is right now, at least she’s being held by an angel.

She can feel everything calm down now, and everyone around her are slowly going to back to as normal as they are in these type of things.

Kanan is the one who lets go first, and Dia can’t help but feel empty all of a sudden, as if life has been sucked out of her, but as soon as she felt that, it is quickly replaced with a warm feeling in her stomach as Kanan holds her hand and starts walking to the exit.

“Let’s go Dia.”

Dia snaps out of the state she’s in, and pulls her hand out of Kanan’s hold and shakes her head, “No, no, I’m okay, see? You didn’t need to protect me, I was actually worried about you. And you like this band right? Come on Kanan let’s go back there.”

She hears Kanan sigh, and Dia just snaps her mouth shut.

This is it then.

But as she looks at Kanan’s amethyst eyes, holding nothing but kindness and adoration, she thinks of how doesn’t deserve that at all.

“It’s okay Dia, let’s just go okay?” and with that Kanan slips her hand to Dia’s again.

Dia squeezes Kanan’s hand and mutters a soft, “okay.”

They walk together hand in hand, she sees people bustling around, and trying to get on the stages of the band they want to see.

She looks at Kanan, and the blue-haired girl’s face looks calm and serene, maybe she hasn’t caught on at all.

But then she notices they’re headed off to the exit of the festival and she stops, “Kanan?”

“Hmm?” Kanan next to her and doesn’t let go of her hand.

“Are we leaving already? You still have three bands on your list to see right? I thought we were just going to take a break.”

Kanan chuckles, and Dia blushes, “no, I figured we’d go somewhere else that suits you, like a nice restaurant that has live music or something.”

“What? Why?”

“Well the night is still young, our date still isn’t over and Dia please, I know you’re not into these kind of things.”

Dia sputters, “w-w-what? Of course I’m into these kind of things!”

“Oh yeah? What do you think of Slipknot?”

“I might not have heard of them but I love My Chemical Romance and the likes”, Dia proclaimed.

Kanan chortles, “Oh yeah? Have you seen them?”

Dia lets go of Kanan’s hand and folds her arms on her chest, “I haven’t yet, but soon.”

“Soon huh? Like during their reunion?” Kanan teases.

The brunette’s arms falls limp on her sides, “huh?”

And with that, Kanan guffaws.

Dia feels her face heat up, that she feels like smoke is coming out of her ears with how embarrassed she is.

People are staring at them and Dia thinks of how moving in Antarctica is the best choice after all.

Kanan continues to cackle and Dia can see how there are tears at the corner of the girl’s eyes.

“Stop laughing at me you jerk!” Dia pouts.

Kanan’s laugh starts to subside, and wipes the corner of her eyes with her fingers, “I’m sorry Dia, it’s just that, My Chem has been disbanded for a while now and I didn’t think you’d still try to keep up the act.”

Yep, Dia sure wants to live with her fellow penguins now.

Dia turns away from Kanan and hugs herself, trying to keep it all together, I’ve completely humiliated myself in front of the coolest and most beautiful girl I know, this is it. This is how I die.

And for the second time today, she feels Kanan’s arms around her, as the blue-haired girl enveloped her to a hug from behind.

“Hey” Kanan coaxes, “don’t worry about it. I actually thought it was cute and amazing, but at the same time I feel like I’m not worth any of this trouble but here we are, you pretended to like something you don’t and I honestly admire that and..”

Dia raises an eyebrow, she turns around, without escaping from Kanan’s embrace, they’re so close together, she sees Kanan’s cheeks are red, and Dia feels her pulse quicken, somehow, she doesn’t care at all if Kanan hears and feel how fast her heart is beating.

“And what Kanan?” Dia asks, softly, her emerald eyes searching Kanan’s for what ever it is the girl might be feeling.

But Kanan’s purple ones are clouded with something that Dia can’t decipher, something Dia has never seen before, there’s intensity behind them and she thought she’s seen all kinds of emotions in a person’s eyes for it’s one of her tactics when she’s interrogating students.

Kanan inhales, “and”, exhales, “it might be too early to say this but I think I’m falling for you.”

Dia swears everything around her goes still, the noises fades, and she doesn’t care if there are people looking, for what matters right now, is the girl in front of her.

It’s like seeing Kanan for the first time again, with the light of the moon blanketing the two of them along with the different lights of the festival, that Dia feels like everything is just an illusion, that she’s still somewhere in that underground club, drunk out of her mind with Mari still giving her drinks.

But the arms around her shoulders, Kanan’s heavy breathing and that sweet bubblegum, and her heart that she feels like she’s consumed ten cups of coffee due to the words that the girl in front of her had said, resonating so much in her that she thinks otherwise.

This is real.

And, “Can I kiss you?” she asks, her mouth moving faster than her brain.

Kanan’s eyes widens, and Dia’s about to bolt, but the blue-haired girl must have seen the panic in her eyes for she holds Dia in place and says, “yes.”

And before Dia could react any further, Kanan places her hand at Dia’s nape, and their lips meets for the first time.

Dia closes her eyes and melts into the kiss. She has never kissed anyone before, she’s read people kissing and or just gathered descriptions from her country songs, she always dreamed of that fairytale like kiss, something grandiose that’ll sweep off her feet, and at this moment, with hers and Kanan’s lips moving together in sync, as if they’re meant to do this, her arms wrapping around Kanan’s neck and her mind just screaming Kanan, Kanan, Kanan, she knows, that nothing can compare to this.

Kanan is the first one to pull away, and Dia feels light headed as she comes back to reality. She hears people howling and clapping, and she doesn’t know if it’s directed at them and if so, should she be embarrassed or offended by it.

“You okay?” Kanan asks, her breathing heavy.

All Dia can do is hum, still feeling and she hears Kanan chuckle as she takes her back in her embrace.

“Let’s go to this restaurant my friend loves, I heard there’s a band that’ll cover Tim McGraw tonight.”

Dia chokes, and Kanan chuckles, she swears it’s unfair how angelic Kanan’s laugh is for if this is anyone else, she would have ended them.

She feels something light press on the side of her head, and Dia thinks it might be early to say it too but,

“I think I’m falling for you too.”

[jasongoldtrap]

The Corkscrew

By Jason Goldtrap

March 9, 2021

When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, my hometown, Nashville, Tennessee, had a musical theme park called Opryland USA. Aside from the standard thrill rides, the park was noted for dozens of shows featuring Country, Rock, Gospel, Bluegrass and Broadway. The king of the attractions was the Wabash Cannonball.

Named after the song popularized by Roy Acuff, the Wabash Cannonball was a corkscrew roller coaster. Ten models were built by Arrow Dynamics, the first one debuting at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, California in 1975. Opryland USA opened their coaster that same year in the State Fair section.

My parents loved roller coasters, and still do though time has tempered active involvement in the subject. As a family we all loved going to the park. I would ride all the rides along with them except for one: the Wabash Cannonball.

From my perspective it was just too intimidating. Even today, I still get fearful around roller coasters which is part of their appeal. I pictured myself flying out of the seat and rocketing into the ground.

As a little kid, with mommy around, I had an excuse to sit this one out. That changed as I matured.

Thirteen-years-old, going to the park for the first time without parents. Lots of running, drinking far too much Orange Fanta, two cardboard containers of popcorn, playing video games that I could already play at the skate center and, well, bodily noises offered for amusement rather than necessity. We could ride the Flume Zoom as many times as we wanted. We'd rear-end antique cars on the guided track where you could press the hammer down with speeds up to 7 mph.

Inevitably though, someone would suggest my foil, the Wabash Cannonball. "Um.... I have to sit this one out." I would flood them with laughable excuses about not feeling well. And, eventually, they would give up coaxing me. I would sit on a bench beneath the second loop and try to wave. They would dart out of the station hyped up on adrenaline.

"Wanna ride again?"

"Yeah!"

I was silent.

They would race back to the station. I would people watch. Head to the petting zoo. Long for a square of Smoky Mountain cashew fudge which I could have eaten if I had not wasted $2 on Space Invaders and Pac-Man.  On the third go around, one of the fellows would feel a tinge of sympathy for me and we would move on to the bumper cars or the spinning swings.

It went on like this for weeks until one day when my band of brothers ran into a similar sized group ....of girls.

"Hey Joan!"

"Michael. What are you doing here?"

"Having fun. Who are your friends?"

"Well you know me and Betty from school. This is Rhonda who goes to my church and my neighbor Melissa."

We exchanged pleasantries. Awkward silence seeking cues for conversation.

Michael stated, "We're about to ride the Wabash Cannonball. You wanna come with?"

Joan smiled and nodded. She received a tug from behind. "One second." The girls clutched together to analyze the situation and discuss limits to potential affection. She turned around and spoke for the other hens. "Sounds like fun... except Rhonda here is too scared to ride it."

I got a slap on the back. "Jason will ride with her." Suddenly, the world grew dim as if I was suddenly thrust across time and space. Frozen. Confused. Before my mouth could utter the words, "Well I..." The boys and girls began to pair up.

"Are you afraid of coasters too?"

I confidently shook my head, "No. Rhonda. Absolutely not."

"Let's go!"

We walked the seemingly 2,000 mile long trek from Doo Wah Ditty City to the State Fair. Not much on conversation. Occasional, stolen glances. Evaluation. Rehearsed lines. Hoping my voice won't squeak.

During the 30 minute wait in the sweltering sunshine I actually opened up to her a little. She told me of her life. She liked horses and even once rode an elephant at the Knoxville Zoo. We discussed our mutual fondness for Gatlinburg, Star Wars, volleyball and watermelon. We relaxed and became new friends.

And then it was our turn at the ride. We were too busy talking to realize that we had seats on the front row! I snapped my head to Chris. Hers to Joan. Was this a prank? Did they realize the enormous pressure we had been voluntarily pushed in to? She tried to communicate her concerns via telepathy which is common to females, especially in mating season.

Undaunted, I slid past my self built brick wall of trepidation and took my seat in the front car. She gave a coy smile and gracefully sat by my side. The train lurched forward. Jerk. It connected with chain. During the ascent I imagined a cartoonist scene in which the 85 foot peak of steal and bolts made sport of me with each half a foot rotation.

I prayed. Nothing too elaborate. Just a plea to not throw-up on her. I began to silently whisper "amen" when I felt a hand being delicately intertwined in mine.

The car gently rounded an elevated curve. Before I could say something clever we both began screaming as the floor escaped us as we hurled down at 48 miles per hour. Up a little. Another sharp banked turn followed by a nose dive. The first loop lay ahead. I was too distracted by the gravity of the moment by the hand holding to notice that this acceleration was slugging me into the first swirl. I was upside down and then once more.

"Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. That was fun!"

I had stepped aboard a child but now I was a man!

We all clapped and begged for one more go around from the teenage thrill engineer. Maybe there was a lightning bolt from Heaven or she was too busy chatting with a co-worker to notice that she forgot the breaking switch. Jerk. Chain connection. We were going for a coveted and rare second ride!

This time my heart was thrilled and somewhat disappointed that Rhonda removed her hand to clap. And, once complete, did not return to my velvet fingers. But, that was ok. I was having fun.

As we got off the ride the coed group took a break from each other. The girls needed conversation and play-by-play analysis while the guys just pushed each other around.

Rhonda, from a distance, turned my way with a flirtatious grin before her visage lowered as she was told the real story of Jason Goldtrap: the dork. She even looked at her hand and wiped it on her Capri pants. I could see her guffaw, "He picks his nose in public?"

Reunion. We rode a few more rides but that was it for me and Rhonda. I talked to the other girls a little but there was no connection.

The speakers echoed. "Opryland USA will close in thirty minutes."

We disbanded and walked separately to the long line of station wagons. We were three years far from automotive liberation. I lost her in the dark.

I never heard from Rhonda. I never even considered calling her or asking Joan about her. We were two ships that passed in the night... and sunk.

That day I conquered one fear and, for one minute and 28 seconds felt invincible. That is part of the magic of a theme park. Escape. Innocent, affordable fun. Acceptable thrills mixed with surprising spurts of physiological  growth.

In 1997, Opryland USA closed and replaced by a mall. I always feel sad for cities that lose their amusement parks. They are losing so much in the way of togetherness, family memories and funny and romantic tales to share with future grandchildren. You don't get that from a mall.

As far as I can tell, there is only one corkscrew roller coaster still in operation in America. It is named the Corkscrew and it's at Silverwood Theme Park in Athol, Idaho.

After the park closed the Wabash Cannonball was sold to Old Indiana Theme Park in Thorntown, Indiana but not reassembled. Sadly, it laid in an open field until it was finally scrapped in 2003.

Thanks to YouTube you can take one last ride. Enjoy.

https://youtu.be/OLtO06SC-Lc

[ellana-ravenwood]

And when I’m gone... - Bruce Wayne/Batfam x Reader

Summary : The Batfamily’s reaction to your death...

I just wanted to write a sad piece today, because of reasons, so...yeah. Hope you’ll still like it, and that it’s not too shitty :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

_______________________________________________________________________

You promised you’d fight, and fight you did. With all your energy...but it wasn’t enough. It took you away from them anyway.

As Jason would say : “Cancer’s a bitch”. 

This sickness was wickedly cruel. It gave so much false hope to your children and husband...A few days before you died, you were getting better, doctors were hopeful, you started to really have a chance. You felt better than you ever did in that last year, and you thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d get to see your babies grow up into the wonderful adults you were sure they’d became, and you were going to be able to grow old with your Bruce. However, the disease had another idea, and after this almost miraculous recovery...you got worst than ever and were dead before the end of the week.

Cancer’s a bitch. 

In the span of a short little year, it had taken you to the grave, and left behind six broken men. Or rather, two men and four boys who would have to learn how to be men without you. 

Alfred Pennyworth. Since the very first day Bruce took you home, he considered you part of the family, going to the extent of telling you more than once that he loved you like a daughter. After all, you were the one that gave a little light to Bruce’s world at the time, and the only one able to deal with his shit every hours of the day, never giving up on him. Just because of that, he couldn’t do anything else but love you. Besides, you two had multiple taste in common, and you spent countless nights watching theater, playing chess, talking about anything and everything. You were one of his favorite people in the World. He loved the way you always spoke your mind, but were never mean or unfair. He loved how your smile and jokes could suddenly turn your sons and husband's frown upside down. He just loved your presence in general. Right before you died, you were playing a particularly suspenseful game of chess with him, and he couldn’t find the will to put it away, even though you were now gone since over a month...Every time he passed next to it, a game forever unfinished, he couldn’t hold his tears. Oh he missed you so dearly...

Richard Grayson. Dickie. Your eldest son. He remembered when he arrived in Wayne Manor and met you for the first time. You were so gentle, so nice and beautiful, that he wasn’t able to stop the smile shining on his face. You were the first to make him smile since his parents’ death, and you would continue to provoke such reactions in him. The day he asked you if it was ok to call you “mom”, and if his own mother would be mad at him if he did...You pulled him into the best hug he ever had. Comforting, loving, caring. A mother’s embrace. He knew from that day on you’d always get his back, and you always did indeed. When he learned that you were very sick, he acted like everything was OK. He kept smiling, laughing and making terrible jokes, for your sake. He knew you, he knew you couldn’t bear the thought of any of your loved one to be sad. So he kept a facade, and he did a great job doing so...He also took care of you, trying to return all those years you took care of him. Carrying you to your bed, just as you did for him. Attempting to cook your favorite meals, just like you did when he was sad. He gave you a compliment every day, just like you did to boost his confidence before he went to school. He was actually pretty sure that, if sometimes he was a bit cocky, it was because his mommy kept saying he was the best...You gave him one of the best advice once, telling him that to avoid feeling sad, at the end of each day, he should write what he was thankful for in a notebook. Your name appeared on it every time. On your funeral, he left all of his notebooks in your casket, and didn’t start another one for a long time. Writing those things made him think of you, and the memory of your death were just too recent. Now that you were gone, he didn’t had to keep a fake face...and every time he tried to write what he was thankful for, the paper just got soaked with his tears...

Jason Todd. Jay. When Bruce told you the story of that little boy who was trying to steal the wheels off of the batmobile, you were impressed. Kid had to be quite fearless to try and steal the Batman’s wheels...And when he came home with your husband, you knew he was special. He had a difficult life before (and after) becoming Robin, and many thing messed his mind up...Fortunately for him, he always thought, you had a talent to mend broken people. You never gave up on him, and he’d never stop loving you for that. No matter what, you always had time for him, and you were the only one threw his life that ever listened that much what he said. He could tell you anything. He told you everything. When he got hurt, mentally or physically, you were there. When he got into a fight with Bruce, you were there. When he thought he was worthless, you were there. When he died you visited him everyday, you were there. When he came back to life, you were there. When he started to kill, you were still there. Of course, you told him multiple time to stop his murderous vigilante ways, but...He was a stubborn guy. Even when he was a total ass to you though, you never left, you never told him to leave...You were just always there, his rock. He was sure he would have killed himself since a long time if you never had been part of his life. So when you got diagnosed with cancer, he was there for you. He wasn’t as good as Dick to hide how much pain he was in to see you like this...But he was there. He settled his differences with Bruce, they were talking again. He wanted to make you happy...He moved back in the mansion after your death, and made it his life goal to always be the shoulder his brothers, father, and loved butler could cry on, trying to follow your exemple as best he could. Hoping that, wherever you were, you were proud of him. He never touched a gun again. 

Timothy Drake. Timmy. The nine year old boy who knocked on your door and, without introducing himself, told you : “I know you’re Batman’s wife”. In your opinion, he was the smartest man in the whole world, and you often told him. You used to spent hours just the two of you, building robots and other machines, talking about things people could do to improve the world. With you, he never felt like he wasn’t good enough. He was always in Jason and Dick’s shadow...Except when with you. You gave him as much love and support you gave the others, if not a bit more, because you thought he didn’t have enough. You knew which words to say to make him feel better, wether he had a heartbreak, or was badly hurt because of his Red Robin activities. You taught him so much. About so many things. From computers and hacking to how to express his feelings better. From fighting techniques to how to bake the best cookies ever...In his eyes, you were the best person to ever walked this Earth. So much shit happened to you, and yet, you always stayed strong for them. For him. When he learned of your disease, he destroyed everything in his bedroom in a fit of rage and sadness...You came to him and took him in your arms for hours, not letting go until he felt a bit better. Just like his brothers, he tried to take care of you as best he could, to try and give back what you gave him...But there was so much you gave him, he was afraid you’d never know how much he was grateful, how much he loved you. You were always so supportive...You never mocked him for anything. Like when he told you he would love to be a singer...You encouraged him. And at your funerals, he sang a song he wrote for and about you when he was twelve. It was childish, a bit naive, pretty bad really...But it made everyone smile. 

Damian Wayne. Dami’. Though he was calling you “Oumi” (”mum” in arabic) only since a few short years, he loved you more than anything. You taught him how to love, and how it felt to be loved. Truly loved. Even at the beginning, when he acted like he hated you, you kept coming back to him. You kept asking how he was, baking him his favorite cakes and such...You were so annoying, he couldn’t resist you. He even went to the extent of playing stupid board games with you, watching Disney films and just spending time with you in general, enjoying your company above all. He made tons of effort to be a good boy when you were here. When you were around him, he felt his heart was a little bit lighter. You had the same effect on him than you had on his father. You just made them happier by your mere presence. You made them want to be better. Just for you. He just loved you. He’d never admit it though. Well, that wasn’t really true. When the news of your sickness slapped him in the face, there wasn’t a day without him telling or showing you how much he cared about you. Though his first action was to punch the doctor who said you didn’t had much to live in the face...During the time you were ill, the only way for him to fall asleep was if you ran your soothing hands threw his hair. He didn’t want to waste time by sleeping. He didn’t want you to go. Not now. Not so soon. He needed you so much. You knew it, and he knew it was killing you (figure of speech...) to see him like that, and so he tried to follow Dick’s model. To be honest, he often tried to follow Dick’s actions...And he did a pretty good job. He made sure that, before you died, you knew that he was going to be a good man thanks to you. At your funeral, he drew your favorite scene from your favorite Disney film, and laid it in your casket. He often came to see your grave, staying to talk to you. Once a month, he left a drawing of something you liked. 

And finally, Bruce Wayne. Your Bruce. The love of your life. You first met him at the police headquarters, right after his parents died. You were a bit younger than him, about 6 years old. You were there because your father, for reasons you never knew, murdered your mother and siblings before committing suicide, leaving you the sole survivor also for reasons you never knew. And that’s what drew you two together, both orphans, both witnessing their family’s death. Except that you never had an “Alfred”, and you grew up in the tough neighborhood that was “the Narrows”. You visited the Wayne mansion often though, and Bruce “secretly” helped you financially all threw your life. “Secretly”...you weren’t stupid, the sudden scholarship you had for prestigious universities and such, well, you knew they came from him. When you turned twenty, you became his. Twenty two, first kid. Thirty, got married...You two almost always been friends, and around each others. You had a similar tragic backstory, and yet, you were so much different than Bruce. For starter, you were often smiling. You always had the words to get him in a good mood. When he was being a total prick to you, you told him off, but you never left him. Not once. You were always at his side. You taught him how to feel again. You gave him a reason to live other than to protect Gotham. You always laughed saying that you were “the light in his darkness”, joking about how cheesy it was...but it was true. You were the light in his darkness, always bringing him back from the edge of that damn well in the worst of times. You were the love of his life...His world started to shatter the day he sat with you in that doctor’s office, and he understood your days were numbered. He did everything in his power to make the remnant of your life the best ever. He always took good care of you, even if sometimes he wasn’t there because of his work and nightly activities, he always came back to you at the end of the day...But during this year, he almost never left you. Your boys and him took a turn each night to watch over Gotham, and you saw him more than you ever did. He was always touching you in some way, trying to smile as much as he could...Doing his best, really, to make everything perfect. Until one day, his World shattered completely. You were his world. With you gone...He was at your side when you took your last breath, and tried to revive you for almost 6 hours non-stop. He couldn’t let you go, he couldn’t watch someone else he loved more than his own life die again. You couldn’t die like that. You were getting better...He buried you, digging the hole himself, next to his parents. Visiting you every day. He delved into his work, and into Batman more than ever, trying to forget his pain. But he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t, and more often than not, he found himself wanting to scream at the top of his lungs how it should have been him, not you. What did you ever do but bring happiness to the people around you ? You weren’t suppose to ever leave him, not so soon...Without you, things were bleak again. Dark. Sad. Violent. Every memories of you stinging his heart, every picture around the house making him want to go back in time and hold you in his arms again. He still had the reflex to reach for you on your side of the bed each morning...He forbid Alfred to wash the sheets, as long as your smell lingered around, he wouldn’t change them. The only things keeping him grounded anymore were your sons. In all of their actions, he saw a part of you, and he held onto that as hard as he could. He couldn’t let you go yet. Hell, he was lying to himself if he thought he could ever let you go...You were the love of his life. You would remain a burning hole in his heart, forever. 

You left six broken men behind you, and unfortunately, for the first time since you entered their life, you couldn’t help any of them getting better. You were gone. They’d never get better. 

***************

About three months after your death, Damian came down to the bat cave, a letter in his hand, and tears in his eyes. 

It was a letter from you, he found it while sorting some of your stuffs. And, unable to read it out loud, his throat too tight from sadness, he gave it to his father. Bruce took the piece of paper with shaky hands, and, in front of his sons and adopted father, he started reading it : 

“Hey guys, 

I just wanted to write a quick note, just in case I don’t find time to tell you before...Well. You know before what.  

I love all of you. So much. So much it hurts. And I wish I didn’t had to go...But I know that I do. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Alfred, thank you so much for taking care of me, for being the father I never had. When I’m gone, please, keep taking care of my babies...And of Bruce. Don’t let him burry himself in work. Don’t let him go back to his old ways, brooding and sulking all the time. And force him to eat solid food. 

Dickie, Jay, Timmy and Dami...I am so SO proud of you all. You’re the funniest, smartest, most amazing, loving, caring...and annoying people I know. I could add more words to describe how perfect you all are, but I fear I’ll run out of time...There’s so much thing to tell about all of you. When I’m gone, don’t give up. Stay strong. I know it’s easy for me to say that, because I won’t be the one suffering...And I know the feeling of loosing someone dear. But you have to keep going. Together. There’s no word in the English langage that can describe how much I love you. 

Bruce, my love, you can’t and don’t even imagine how happy you made me. I know you thought you didn’t deserve me, or that you weren’t doing enough...but believe me when I say you’ve never been nothing short of perfect. Your love made me strong, not the opposite. I will always love you, no matter what, and again, I lack words to tell you how much...But know this my love, and please believe me, since that first kiss we shared so many years ago, there hasn’t been a day in my life I regretted my decision. There hasn't been a day in my life I didn’t thank God or whoever is up there for putting you in my life. You’re truly the best man I know. Your parents would be more than proud. And when I’m gone, please, remember the good times we had, drown yourself in them, and don’t jump into that fucking dark well again. 

All of you, you’re a family, never forget it. Take care of each others, don’t leave anyone behind, or I’ll come back to haunt your asses...

I’ll see you again, promise

Love (understatement of the year), 

Your “Batmom” 

PS : my secret ingredient for my chocolat chip cookies is *unreadable scribbles*

PPS : I know it was you who paid for my years at university, Bruce. “

As Bruce raised his head to look at his beloved ones, tears unable to stay away, he softly smiled. You were the best, and you will always be. 

You left behind you six broken men who could never feel whole again without you, six broken men who were part of a puzzle where the best piece was missing...But they knew that if they stuck together, one day, not now, probably not before a very long time, they could stand tall and strong again. If they relied on each other, they could make it. Besides, you did promise you’d see them again some day...

The End  

[xbarrjallenx]

If I Die Young

Pairing: Alex Standall x Reader

Summary: (Y/N) stayed by Alex’s side as he tried to commit suicide.

Requested: No

Word count: 1.828

Posted: 01.05.2017

Warning(s): Angst, blood, mentions of committing suicide, possible death, shooting, swearing

Song inspiration: If I Die Young by The Band Perry

A/N: This is my 50th imagine, since the day I’ve started, on the 22nd of February, and I wanted to post my favourite imagine, so far. I was listening to the song and an imagine inspiration came into my mind. This made me cry so much, I wonder why I keep on doing this to myself. Anyways, I may post a part two of this imagine! Keep an eye out!  If you have some Alex requests, feel free to send some in. Thank you so much, guys!

P.S.: (SPOILER!) Before you attack me, I would like to clarify that I think that Alex committed suicide and he wasn’t  shot by Tyler. I mean, he had different signs to show that he was suicidal and I don’t want to be attacked for my own opinion. Thank you.

- G. x

“What did Alex do?! No, I know Alex and he wouldn’t do it!” You shouted while talking to Alex’s dad through the phone. You respected him, but you were shocked for the news that he had in store. “Tell me that he really didn’t do it! Tell me, please!” You hysterically shouted inside of your car as your tears slowly streamed down your face.

“I…” His dad was speechless. He couldn’t believe that his son had the courage to do something like that. He didn’t know what to say, because he was shocked too.

“Alex needs me, I am on my way.” You bit your lower lip as you ended the phone call and threw your phone on the passenger’s seat beside you. “Fuck, Standall!” You hit your steering wheel many times as you cried loudly and uncontrollably on it.

You were scared and heartbroken at the same time. How could Alex ever think of doing that certain thing? He knew that you were still by his side, but why did he leave you? Scratch that, he would never leave you, the right question was why did he choose to do that?

“Alex Standall, please.” You impatiently asked at the nurse for his room at the reception hall. You still had tear stains on your cheeks and you were still hiccupping for pouring your heart out.

“Only the relatives can visit the patient.” The nurse strictly said even though she saw that you were desperate to see Alex. You clenched your teeth as you were trying to stay calm. “Sorry.”

“I am his fucking best friend, so let me in!” You lost your control, because of the thought that you could lose Alex at any moment. “Damn it, that guy was my life and he shot himself in the head, he needs his best friend right now. He fucking needs me right now and you wouldn’t let me in! How can you be so fucking selfish!” You poured your anger and you blamed the nurse for what you were feeling at that moment.

You surely were making a scene and you got some dirty and some pitiful looks from the people that stayed there, but you didn’t care. You wanted to see your best friend and you demanded to see him.

“Security at the reception hall please.” She severely said as she contacted the guards using the phone on her desk. You shot her a death glare as you thought how uncompassionate and callous she was.

“No need, she’s with me.” A deep voice was heard behind you and it revealed you Alex’s dad. “She’s part of the family.” You felt relieved for that and you had your hopes up for a little bit.

“Officer Standall!” You tightly hugged him and he hugged you back. You felt tears still streaming down your face and you broke the hug so his uniform wouldn’t be stained by your tears. “Thank you for being heartless!” You spat those words as if they were venom in your mouth. You didn’t mean to be rude, but you were desperate and the thought of having your best friend in a hospital room terrified you even more.

“C'mon!” He pressed his lips on your temple to give you kiss. He considered you as his daughter and seeing you like that broke his heart even more.

You both walked through the hospital halls with a heavy heart. You were afraid to know if Alex was fine, if he would survive, but you were convinced that he would. In fact, you were already thinking of how you would slap him silly when he’s gotten out of that redundant place. You were thinking of how you would scold him, of how you would take care of him, of how you would tell him that you loved him so much.

“Go on.” Officer Standall encouraged you as he let you enter Alex’s room. You slowly nodded while turning the doorknob to open it.

“Alex.” You murmured to yourself as you saw your best friend lying on a hospital bed. There were uncountable wires attached to his body and your heart sank as you hated him for that short moment. How could he appear that calm when you were being desperate and frantic? “Lex, please wake up.”

You walked near his bed and you took a seat on the chair beside it. You wandered your eyes around the room and everything was white: the walls, the bedsheets, the window curtains. Everything.

“Lex, I am here now.” You grabbed his right hand, luckily that his dextrose was attached on his other hand. “Wake up, stop joking because I am clearly not.”

There was silence in the room, the only thing that could be heard was your soft sobs and the heart monitor that kept on beeping as it flashed Alex’s poor heart rates.

“Alex, I can’t accept this. We aren’t kids anymore, stop playing our old games.” You harshly tortured your bottom lip as you prevented yourself from crying.

You remembered how Alex used to pretend that he was asleep whenever his parents would arrive home and you were his partner in crime. You would play jokes on his brother too, scaring him to death when Alex pretended that he was a zombie.

“Standall, it’s okay if you don’t wake up right now, but please hold on.” You tightened your grip on his hand as tears started to wet your hands. “I am sorry for letting this to happen. I am sorry because I didn’t cheer you up enough, I am sorry because I wasn’t able to make you feel better after those fucking tapes.”

You looked at Alex and you admired his angelic and peaceful face. He had a bandage wrapped around his head with a big blood stain on it. Some of his platinum blonde hair was covered with blood and it made you cry even more.

“Lex, remember the last time you made me cry like this?” You asked him even though you knew that he wouldn’t respond. “Yes, that was during our first and last fight. Alex, you humiliated me in public because I let Montgomery kiss me. Yup, that asshole. I accepted that, but I wouldn’t accept this. You are making me cry and this is the worst reason that you could ever come up to.”

You looked at his pale lips and you thought of how much you preferred those lips than Montgomery’s.

“Standall, you are my best friend because you are you and you never failed to make me laugh. You even made fun of yourself in public when I was so down for a low grade.” You smiled as you remembered those things, still feeling hot tears running down your cheeks. “You even let yourself get beaten up for me.” You shook your head.

“I love defending you!” Alex exclaimed as you were scolding him for getting his ass beaten up.

“You didn’t have to do that, silly!” You smiled at him as you were curing the scars and the wounds.

“I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.” Alex has said as he dealt with the stinging feeling of the disinfectant. “You know that I would catch a bullet for you, right?”

“Ha! Funny, right?” You sarcastically laughed. “You caught a bullet, but not for me.” You caressed his unanimated hand with your thumb. “I didn’t want for you to catch a bullet for me! I wanted for you to stay beside me, forever and always.”

You appreciated the heat that his hand was emanating and you felt safe, even though you were so scared.

“Little did we both know that I fell in love with you, I fell in love with that contagious and funny laugh of yours, with that broken smile and your dimples. I loved your platinum hair, even though I teased you a lot because of it. I love everything about you, but, mostly,” You confessed and you knew that he could hear you. “I love you, Alex Standall.” You stood up to give a sweet and soft kiss on his pale lips.

You admired his peaceful face once again and smiled.

“I am waiting for you, okay?” You whispered to him and you caressed his hand again. He squeezed your hand and it gave you hope somehow. “Please, don’t go.”

You were about to let go of his hand to call the doctors, but your world was destroyed and it turned upside down as you heard the flatline sound of the heart monitor. Your heart stopped together with his and you fell back on your sit, tears uncontrollably flowing like a river.

“Fuck, Alex!” You couldn’t believe of the happening and you panicked as you gripped on his hand even tighter, tears burnt your red cheeks. “Alex, don’t leave me! Alex! Please don’t!”

“Excuse us, ma'am!” You didn’t hear that the nurses entered his room and you were suddenly pulled away. “Ma'am, please.” The nurses slightly shouted since it seemed like you couldn’t hear them.

“Alex!” You shouted as they forced you to let Alex’s hand go. “Alex, fight! Please!”

“It will be alright.” Those words were the last words you heard from the nurses that night. They left you on the hallway as they did their work inside the room. You saw Alex’s dad with his brother, they were both crying and mourning.

You leant on the white and candid wall behind you as you sobbed, letting your body fall on the ground. You couldn’t understand anything around you as you suddenly saw Alex’s figure across the hall, looking at you and smiling.

“And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom, I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger.” You sang together with Alex while he was playing his guitar at your school’s music room.

“I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man, but it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever, who would have thought forever could be severed by.” You sang as you were sobbing loudly. You couldn’t continue the song, so you let the music flow as people cried and felt sorry for you.

“(Y/N).” Zach rubbed your back as he tried to comfort you.

“It was for you, Lex, although you promised me that you were the one who would’ve sang it at my funeral.” You said as your voice cracked and your heart broke even more. “Unfair.”

“I promise that I will sing that to you at your funeral.” Alex promised as you did your pinky promise and he unleashed a deep sigh because he already knew that he would’ve taken away his life soon, sad to break his promise.

That night, when the nurses have told you that everything will be alright, you already knew that you lost Alex, you knew that you lost the most important person in your life.