#on the other hand. it’s depressing to think that this is what the west best knows him for. instead of his talent or passion or

[seilon]

just had a simultaneously horrifying and relieving thought. thank god jonghyun was not a western artist. because you just know that if he was, there would be a shitty distasteful melodramatic hollywood biopic about him in about five years, give or take

[simplegenius042]

Music Monday and Moodboard of WIP + Phrase/Dialogue

Tagged by @icecutioner @inafieldofdaisies @socially-awkward-skeleton @derelictheretic and @shallow-gravy

Tagging @direwombat @strangefable @rhettsabbott @voidika @josephseedismyfather @josephslittledeputy @imogenkol @cloudofbutterflies92 @skoll-sun-eater @cassietrn @carlosoliveiraa @adelaidedrubman @g0dspeeed @wrathfulrook @afarcryfrommymain @aceghosts @turbo-virgins @shellibisshe @deputy-morgan-malone @softtidesworld @starsandskies @ladyoriza @la-grosse-patate @florbelles @sleepyconfusedpotato @titiagls @minilev @yokobai @thewanderer-000 @omen-speaker @justasmolbard and @alypink + anyone else who wants to join. Taglist here.

(Update: So if you happened to have been pinged again, sorry, I edited/corrected a mistake and suddenly that made the tags inoperable so I had to make them functional again).

One song for A Radioactive Calamity Of Love, Bombs & Gore, The UnTitledverse and The Silver Chronicles each and two moodboards for a WIP in The UnTitledverse and The Silver Chronicles.

A Radioactive Calamity Of Love, Bombs & Gore is a Fallout fic series, and Fallout is mostly set in America, and what better to describe the best parts of America than John Denver's "Take Me Home, Country Roads". While I know there's a Fallout version for this song sung by Spank, I'll save that one when analyzing its role in What Happened To Vault Number 76? As for now, John Denver's version encapsulates Ortega "Ore" Brantley and Marissa "Ress" Bishop's journey, as well as my Fallout protagonist OCs. Narrative-wise, this song describes both Ore and Ress' acknowledgement of their beginning roots (Appalachia and New Reno in New California respectively) and the comfort these homes bring, but also how they'll never lose sight of their true home, and how no matter their father, Arcane Urias, attempts to persuade them otherwise, they'll always trail their roads back home.

"Almost heaven, West Virginia Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River Life is old there, older than the trees Younger than the mountains, growing like a breeze

Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West Virginia, mountain momma Take me home, country roads."

What better fic from The Silver Chronicles is suited for Vance Joy's one-hit wonder than my Six of Crows fic How Good Is A Heist If It's Improvised? A song that acts like a relatable tune about pop culture but is a cleverly disguised bittersweet tale of love and longing mixing with the emotional turmoil of escapism from reality, and my fic which acts like a comedic modern-ish retelling of the Dreg's heist against one of Ketterdam's richest motherfuckers filled with action, drama and romance but is in fact very depressing in reality only made humorous (dark or light notwithstanding) through the perspective of the fic's only two unreliable narrators, my traumatised criminal OCs Isiah Popov and Gemini Teal. Anyway, enjoy!

"Here's this movie that I think you'll like This guy decides to quit his job and head to New York City This cowboy's running from himself And she's been living on the highest shelf

Ah ooh-ooh-ooh, ah oh And they come unstuck

Lady, running down to the riptide Taken away to the dark side I wanna be your left hand man I love you when you're singing that song And I got a lump in my throat 'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong

I just wanna, I just wanna know If you're gonna, if you're gonna stay I just gotta, I just gotta know I can't have it, I can't have it any other way

I swear she's destined for the screen Closest thing to Michelle Pfeiffer that you've ever seen."

The Time Guard is an original work set before, around and within the canon events of The UnTitledverse. It follows Timekeeper, a droid who's purpose was to observe the Time stream and properly utilize the Time Watch only when absolutely necessary. Despite using it during dire circumstances in the events of the Jagged Instincts Novelisation, the Time Court, overseen by the Time Bureau Authority's supreme leader, Judge Khronos, and with the prosecution lead by Leviticus, declared Timekeeper had stepped out of line and also lost the Time Watch to a Time Vortex in the process. So Timekeeper is demoted as expendable and decides to found a team that will do Khronos' dirty (and often life-threatening) jobs to get in his good graces again, calling it the "Time Guard". A multitude of characters in the beginning of its foundation (and even after) come and go, though two have never been more linked than a Carmine scout drone designated "J.O.E" and Edward Carmine's most loyal security drone subordinate, designated "K.I.L.L.J.O.Y", not only coming from Jagged Instincts, but also after The Perfect Storm saga, and they're relationship during The Time Guard can be summed up as "cheerful naive optimist and brooding angry pessimist forced into a get-along brother shirt". So here's the closest song I believe emphasizes.

"Ah such a beautiful day, uh Yeah, the sun's shinin' in a beautiful way, uh Gonna take a shower, brush my teeth, and-" "Life is ultimately meaningless."

"Uh, uh, but I'll get out of the house. Get on the road, top down, hands out. Put on my favorite song and nod to the rhythm." "The planet's being destroyed by your carbon emissions."

"Oh! But I, I, I'll head to class Try my best on every test till I pass And my grades are screamin' in my face (Hey!)" "Ninety-eight percent of what you learn is a waste."

"I get to hang out with all my friends My friends are the friendliest friends Can't think of a better way to spend my time." "Your brain is flawed, and all your friends will die."

"Never mind, I'm alive in the greatest nation, so proud of-" "The exploitation of the natives?" "This graceful bird means freedom for all!" "Tell that to the slaves, and bald eagles aren't bald!"

"I can live in the moment, milk every second." "At any time, you could get clinical depression." "But I'll just be happy, no matter what's in store." "It's quite genetic, and we have no cure." "Uh, at least

We are young ("Not for long") Life is fun ("It only goes downhill") We gotta make the most of it, make the most it ("Or you'll regret it") We are young ("For now") Life is fun ("To some people") We gotta make the most of it, make the most of it!" ("Good luck")

And lastly two moodboards + an excerpt phrase/dialogue for WIPs from The UnTitledverse and The Silver Chronicles.

rules: show a moodboard and an important phrase or dialogue from the current fic you are writing!

WIP: The UnTitled Stories - Prologue

If I may... I'd like to ask you a question. One which has plagued me ever since I was introduced to it. What do you think dictates humans: The mind? Or the body? This was a query originally formed by French philosopher Rene Descartes in the 17th century; one that drove him to develop a concept called dualism. A concept that elaborated the distinction between the mind and body as separate entities, whereas the mind procured thought, mental processes and housed consciousness, the body focused on structure, our instincts, the neurons and the brain itself. Descartes had implied the mind could control the body, but the body could also influence the mind when it needed to, though ultimately had no control. However, despite Descartes' famous words, "I think, therefore I am", modern psychologists didn't believe it to be that simple. Humans worked like a machine, our organs merely cogs serving a function in the system. To take out even one has irreparable consequences, a disruption that could lead us to falter and break down and supposedly become useless, or our certain demise, which earns the same results of uselessness. Now, to deprive humans of one of these components leads to total system failure, regardless if its because of disuse or death. In other words, neither the mind nor the body can continue without this system. On that note, if this system is keeping the human body functioning, the question re-contextualizes from whether the mind controls the body, and vice versa, to instead what this system is trying to keep operating; itself, or our consciousness? The complexion of this debate can be hard to wrap your head around, especially if your introduction to it came from a source as dubious as mine had been, but this did not diminish my personal affinity towards it. To be clearer, I had been led to believe that if the system exists to function, then it must be to either support itself or the battery that drives it, not both. It's believed that by determining the dominating source that dictates humanity, a whole slew of concepts and functions will become clearer to understand, easier to deduce an explanation and an answer. To cease the uncertainty in our lives, which is the only thing that makes everyone equal in this meritocracy. By identifying the force that drives us, we can better understand ourselves, making arguments like free will and determinism, instincts and self-control, nature and nurture, our ability to change and adapt in socialization, perception of our identity and sense of individual self, among other things... well, clear cut. Or at least, that's what I had been told to believe. Not so much now. Though if anyone had asked me about my opinion on the matter back then, riding as a passenger on that bus, and if I felt inclined to share, I would have spouted my blind agreement to the belief. That never happened though. I had been lead to believe that to reach the conclusive answer to the dictating source of our actions; whether it was the mind or the body, I had to be placed in an academically social environment that would push my boundaries for the next three years. Determine the dominating victor of either consciousness or reflex, and take satisfaction in the answer to my curious nature. And though I would later discard this goal... the fact remained, it had been my original intention, one I had gone to such costly lengths for as demonstrated in our first year. And the fact remains that, while on that bus, on our way to this very school, I had every intention to follow that pursuit through til the very end. That is, of course, until I had met you…

WIP: Silva's Hope [Content Warning: Descriptive depiction of a violent death]

An ugly croak escaped from the Peggie's lips, his mouth agape like a lake trout. But instead of suffocating from a lack of air, he was choking from the dagger that pierced through his throat. Silva gripped the handle as she dug the blade further into the man's esophagus, blood seeping out of the opening. The red flowed down, staining his shirt and her gloves. The Peggie swung his arms out weakly, one hand managing to futilely claw at her wrist. She paid no mind to it. Is this all I am good for? She twisted the blade, gritting her teeth as she kicked the Peggie's knee down, swiftly sinking her knife down further. His grip went slack, and his eyes began to glaze. But she wasn't done yet, not with the burning fire eating through her veins. Is this all I'll ever be? Her free hand caught the man's blonde hair. She dug out the red-stained silver blade and slashed it across his throat, widening the cut. A source of fear? A beast with bloodied hands? She stabbed the blade against his head, pulling it out, then puncturing again, repeatedly, like a butcher chopping thawed meat. I gave you a chance, didn't I? A chance to turn back, to put the gun down, to turn a blind eye while I made my escape... Pulling the blade out, she tried to breathe, to calm the rage engulfing her heart, cascading over her mind. But it refused; it demanded it's release, to have her take it out on the man who's eyes have glazed. ...And yet, he did not choose to value his life, instead the words of his Profeta. Fraudulent lies that outweighed common sense, self-preservation, and moral understanding. Her teeth gritted, breathing rapidly, ignoring the bullet that inflamed the skin in her thigh. She raised her knife, red dripping down onto her head and shoulder. Looking down at the Peggie, she shouted out the wrath stuck in her voice, and broke through his skull. If this is the path they all will follow, then she won't waste time giving them chances they won't take.

[raviposting]

Nate is really one of the most interesting characters to me, because his character begs the question: what happens when your life gets better but you’re still not happy? 

Because we see how Nate is in the beginning. We root for him and we love the attention that he gets and how he gets his time to shine. Ted’s methods clearly work for a lot of the characters, it has its merit, and Nate (at first) is no exception. He’s promoted to being a coach, he’s getting attention, the team is also improving so they’re being kinder and everything is better now, right? 

Except in season 2 (and 3!) we see the cracks - in Nate, but for all the coaches, really, because ironically the coaches who are mentoring the players and telling them to believe are also the ones we see struggling with that mentality the most. Beard’s one of Ted’s strongest supporters, his right-hand man, but we see in Beard’s episode how deep his depression and self-hatred run. Roy isn’t exactly screaming Ted’s methods from the rooftops, but we see how he slowly accepts it and appreciates it, and how it does help him - but he struggles with finding his purpose and feeling wanted and needed, and it shines in quitting things early and never getting proper closure in things he really loved, with him constantly wondering if he ever really made the best choice (his team, his job, his relationship with Keeley). Ted struggles to express these negative emotions and it spirals quickly, especially in season 2. 

And Nate? Nate watches as his life objectively gets better, but struggles because his anger and resentment don’t go away. He gets the attention from Ted but (even though it’s not the intention!) feels as if Ted drops him the second things improve. He gets a better job but his father will never say he’s proud. He tries to exude confidence but Jade (who’s most likely seen him for a while since it’s his favorite restaurant) immediately sees through through his persona and Doesn’t Care and Nate is so thrown off by it. He keeps looking for that validation through other people and we see that clear frustration because everything is better on paper so then why are the bad feelings still there? With every win, with every improvement, he gets angrier and more frustrated and then it spirals into him leaving for West Ham and Rupert. With Rupert, Nate leans in on hey, nobody loved me at my lowest and nobody loved me at my best, so maybe I’ll try being my worst. 

And god, I LOVE that even though fans thought he’d fail and that this would humble him into a redemption, he hasn’t. He tries to go with Rupert and get that validation from him and we see how much he struggles with that, because now he’s leaning in at what Rupert wants and we see how much he hates that, but Nate’s also at a point where Rupert’s attention is clearly conditional, he’s still not getting that fatherly validation, and he knows that and that’s where we see him finally start to come into his true self. Jade finally softens because she sees Nate holding strong to his opinion on Taste of Athens and admitting he’s putting on an act, he’s being honest and himself for the first time in those scenes. He tries to cultivate a relationship with the other employees and even if the Diamond Dogs ripoff didn’t work? They still invited him to drinks this episode! He sees Rupert for who he is and he goes back to Jade, and he wants so, so much to apologize to Ted for everything. 

Nate’s moved from a positive environment to this conditional one and the narrative could have easily went “Nate has crashed and burned and now realizes what he messed up” but instead it allowed Nate to figure out who he is and who he wants to be, by himself. He’s still growing and learning, of course, but he’s well on his way, and I think it’s just such a cool way to show that what’s helpful for some people can be incredibly detrimental for others if it doesn’t target what they need and that there’s so many avenues for a person to grow and improve themselves. 

[itsscromp]

I'm a sucker for found family, Mortal Kombat and Spider-Man.

So, I was wondering if I could ask for a reader who's similar to a Tarkatan, with the mouth being all toothy, being friends with Insomniac Peter? I think it'd just be funny to have Peter be like 'yknow we've been friends for a while, you can take off the mask' and they just sit there like.

Insomniac peter parker X reader platonic

Ooh interesting, very very interesting. Let's give it a shot *cracks knuckles* word count: 811

It all happened so fast, one minute you were in San Francisco looking around the new West Coast Avengers base. The next, half the city was destroyed and people were infected with the terrigen mist. Turning them into Inhumans. Now you didn't develop right away. But when you got home in New York. That's when you develop your powers. Enhanced strength and reflexes but it developed abnormalities. Your bones seem to come out of your arms and turned into sharp spears. Not only that... Your mouth turned into lipless razer sharp teeth.

You were a monster, A living breathing monster, seeing the sight in the mirror made you scream in horror. Tears spilling from your eyes, You rushed to the A-day specialists but they said there was nothing that could be done as there was no cure for it. Spiraling into a week's depressive episode, trying to work around everything, specially eating food with razor-sharp teeth. When you do go out in public, you never leave without wearing a long-sleeved shirt to hide the spears and a surgical mask to cover up your teeth. It seemed to work, you looked like everyone else.

But when you met Peter at Doc Ock's lab when he and you were working as interns, you two quickly became close friends. Always never seen without the other. Peter made you feel slightly normal after everything that had happened. But to this day you never showed him your face. Fearing he'll scream in horror and run away. Never wanting to be friends with you ever again. The fear of that happening haunted you.

But one night, when you and Peter were hanging out in his apartment. He noticed you were still wearing your mask inside. It kind of confused him why you were always wearing your mask.

"Hey y/n can I ask you a question ??"

"What's up ??"

"It's been a few months since we met and that, But I've never seen you with your mask off. Your not gonna get sick inside here" He tried to joke. But seeing you shift on the couch uncomfortably made him realise this is serious.

"Hey... what's wrong ??"

He tried to place a hand on your forearm in comfort, but you held it against your chest so he didn't feel the bone. Tears once again sting your eyes. He was gonna find out. Your best friend was going to think you're a monster. Might as well get this over with.

"Peter... If I show you... please don't freak out"

"Y/n, your my friend. why would I ever freak out ??" He smiled comfortingly.

You then began to take off your jacket and rolled up your sleeves, revealing the bone spears. Then taking off your mask, revealing your teeth to him. You didn't even look at him. Waiting for his scream in horror, waiting for the fear in his eyes. All the anxiety and insecurity creeped back and it made you cry.

"Hey hey... it's ok y/n"

"No, it's not Pete !!! I'm a freaking monster, Look at me. I'm terrified of myself. I'm hideous. There's no cure for this..." You spoke through your sobs.

Peter didn't respond, he just let you let everything out. Letting you get all the frustrations out. Once you got everything out, Your voice was raspy and you were shaking. Peter then gently got up and walked to you, unexpectedly to you. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into a comforting hug.

"I'm so sorry that this happened to you y/n. I really am, But I'll tell you this now. I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. You as a person matter more to me than how you look. Your my best friend y/n.. my best friend."

You started to cry again. This time from the overwhelming amount of love. Wrapping your arms around him back and holding him tightly.

"I'm a monster..."

"Your not a monster, Your y/n."

You chuckled at that. Feeling the anxiety and insecurity slowly subside and feeling the weight lifted of your shoulders.

"But I guess... since you told me this, I guess I have a secret to tell you too"

"What do you mean ??" You pulled out of the hug and looked at him in confusion.

He then stepped back and jumped, Jumping to the ceiling and pressing his fingertips on it, Sticking to it and then began to crawl around. You saw this before.

"Your... Spider-Man ??"

He gently nodded and then hopped back down onto the ground.

"But my point still stands. Your you and only you, I wouldn't want to change you in anyway possible" He smiled at you.

You smiled with your eyes. For the first time in a long time, you felt loved, accepted and secure. Your best friend wouldn't change you because you were you. Nothing more nothing less.

A/N: Terrigen Mist and Inhumans were plot points from the Square Enix Avengers game.

Taglist: @callofdudes

[parkminijiminie]

As expected jk didn't do shit on his own album but instead was handed songs from western writers and producers by the company bc he was too lazy to work on his own album and took the easy way out bc he desperately wants to be a big pop star in the west. Bang pd already said in a recent interview that the only reason jk was releasing an album was bc of 🛴 since apparently jk wasn't even sure if he even wanted to release a album but yet he wants to be a big ass pop star without putting any work in. What pisses me off is that jk constantly does the bare ass minimum and gets rewarded for it while the other put their blood sweat tears into their music and gets nothing in return. Jk really sold-out for fame and I have zero respect for him as a artist.

The truth is that many successful (pop) artists don't write their own songs. There are great vocalists and performers who don't write or produce but are still wildly successful. That being said, one of the biggest reasons for BTS's success is their personal involvement and message in their own music. This is something that attracted many people to them and separated them from other big acts in the industry. In that sense, I understand people who feel somewhat betrayed by the lack of involvement of JK in his debut album.

My personal belief is that music is better when it has a meaningful connection to the one performing it, and that is best achieved when said perfomer actively participates in the creation of the music. Almost nobody writes and produces songs alone nowadays. It's always somewhat a team effort, so it saddens me not to see JK's name anywhere, in any capacity, especially considering that he actually can write good songs and has done it in the past.

I believe that the clues to the reason for JK's lack of contributions can be found in his behavior at the beginning of this year. I think JK was burned out , he needed rest and maybe was a little depressed, hence why he wasn't sure if he even wanted to release anything. It's possible that he tried to write and produce music but was suffering from a writer's block and lack of inspiration. After working non-stop for 13 years, he probably also enjoyed his first ever chance to be lazy and do things that many "normal" people don't even appreciate, like watching TV, meeting with friends, working out and even staying home. I assume he really needed time to recharge, but the thing is, JK didn't actually have much time to indulge himself and wait to be inspired. Producing an album on your own takes a lot of time, months, if not years, and JK's time to do it was running out, with military service on the near horizon.

As it was, JK seemed to have had only three choices:

Postpone the enlistment and try to do the album on his own,

Not releasing anything before enlisting,

Relying on the company's connections.

Delaying the enlistment would have been met with a lot of negativity and would have messed up the plans for the 2025 reunion, so that was not a good option. Not releasing anything seemed to be where JK was at at the beginning of the year, but then again, he must have felt a lot of pressure to do an album: from the company, from the fans who have been waiting for one for a lot of time and would be disappointed if only he if all the members didn't release anything, and pressure from his own self because he knew this was his only chance to do solo music before enlistment and the reunion of the group.

In my opinion, it is Hybe's poor management and planning of the whole enlistment, as well as the rush for a group reunion as soon as possible, that led to a lot of what we have seen in Chapter 2 so far. Maknae line doesn't have to enlist for at least 2 years, in Jungkook's case, even four. Had the younger members been given more time to actually rest and work on their music, I think both Tae and JK would have participated more in their albums, and JM would have had a much more peaceful and well-organized promotions. Trying to fit everyone's releases in just a year and a half led to a lot of pressure on everyone to produce, deliver, and release their music. It led to clashing shedules, overwhelming the fandom, and a lot of separation among the fans. Each of the members must have felt the pressure of time running out, the expectations of the company and the fandom, the weight of not tarnishing the BTS name and their own long-supressed desires for self-expression through solo works.

Some of them, like the hyung line, had no problem managing this pressure and finishing their albums, but these members had a lot of previous experience writing and producing songs for the group and all of them had released solo music before, so they knew what to do and how to do it. For Maknae line, it was different. While they had participated in writing for the group, none of them had ever taken a solo project from start to finish. They had a lot of learning to do, even with the help of the company. It was a bigger challenge for them.

JM is the one who definitely stands out because he is the only one from Maknae line who actually managed to participate in every part of the production and release of his album. Not only that, but he successfully combined artistry with commercial success and didn't compromise either of those goals. But Jimin started very early, and he seemed to have had very strong inspiration for his work. And even then, he said it was very hard, and it took him 10 months. The payoff is that he now knows a lot better what he has to do and will have a much easier time when he decides to release another album. He did work harder but also smarter in the long run.

Realistically , both JK and Tae could also have done it. They have written songs, and both of them said last year that they were working on music, but people work in different ways. Some of us need more time to rest before we can work again. Some people suffer from lack of inspiration or mental health issues and lack of motivation to do tasks. Sometimes, you start something but then feel it lacking down the line and you have to start over. It is not always just laziness.

It is true that JK took the easy way out. A lot of people apparently want to work with him, and his album has some of the biggest names in the industry, and he took the opportunity. Maybe Bang and Scooter had a role in him accepting. Perhaps it was them who convinced him that if he did it this way, he would be very successful and would become "the main pop boy." He has always been ambitious and has wanted to be an artist as big as JB, Shawn Mendes, and the likes, so he was tempted and eventually took the chance. It is a shortcut, yes. And no, this isn't the way BTS the group does things, but this isn't Bangtan. This is Jungkook, the solo artist.

Each of us, who have been fans of the group for certain reasons like their authenticity, personal messages, and integrity, has to make a choice now whether we want to support JK's solo endeavor or not. He doesn't own us anything, but you also don't owe him your support. If the way JK is managing his solo career doesn't fit your ideals and principles, you are free to ignore his music (however intensively promoted, it will for sure be).

Personally, I am not mad at Jungkook for choosing this direction, but I am a little disappointed and disheartened to see no involvement from him in this album. Despite that, I won't write "Golden" off yet. I will give this music a chance because good music is good music. I have listened to many artists who didn't write their own songs and enjoyed them a lot. That being said, those artists would never be able to aspire in me the same level of respect, loyalty, and support in comparison to people who actually put their heart and soul in their work, like Bangtan and Jimin.

While I don't harbor hate towards Jungkook, when it comes to Hybe, my personal feelings are definitely one of resentment and negativity right now. I understand that they see Jungkook as more marketable and as a good tool for their "US domination" goal, but the blatant difference of the level of investment and promotion between him and all the other members combined, frankly infuriates me, and should infuriate anyone who call themselves an Army. The problem isn't that JK didn't write his own music so much, as the fact that there is clear disparity between the money and connections used for his career and for all the other boys. Hybe did more for his two singles than for all the others' releases combined.

In all honesty, the only one whose debut was managed well and promoted like a true big artist and member of the biggest group in the world is Jungkook. All the others were treated like they were some up-and-coming indie artists with insignificant small releases. Bare minimum promotion and even fewer expectations for success, which was completely unbefitting of 5/7 of one of the biggest musical acts in the whole world.

Chapter 2 definitely shows what Bang PD and the other high-ranking executives think of each member and how much the company values them, as individuals.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

"Sure, medieval peasants only lived until about 40, had zero human rights, were subject to the whims of kings and lords, constantly died because of drought, disease and famine, only ate what they could grow or raise, and spent all their labor time on backbreaking physical work, but at least they didn't work 80 hour weeks!"

I see this dumb shit all the time, and I cannot stress enough how much none of the people saying it would have lasted a week as a serf or peasant. The fact that you're even educated enough to know the difference between your lot and the lot of a medieval peasant without being a member of the nobility or the clergy is a very recent development as far as human history goes, and it's all thanks to capitalism and the recognition of the human rights every individual has. So yes, you might have to work 80 hours a week and your commute might suck and you might be stressed out, but here are just a few of the trade offs that make modern society literally the best time to be alive in the free west:

You have basic human rights

You have the freedom to choose where you work

You can negotiate your pay

You get paid at all

You can go to a store and find food whenever you're hungry that you don't need to cultivate yourself

You have access to the entirety of human knowledge via a small brick you can carry in your pocket

You can travel anywhere you want via car, train, or plane

Our homeless and destitute have access to better food and healthcare than any medieval peasant

Spices and seasonings that used to be available only to the super rich or noble are so easy to get that you just get handfuls of packets containing them when you order at the drive in

Even the poor can afford to pay other people to cook their meals

Life expectancy is double what it was for the common folk for most of human history

Infant mortality is incredibly low

Entire industries exist solely to create entertainment options for you to fill your leisure time

Most deadly diseases have been eradicated or can be cured

There are stores you can walk into and pick an outfit from a collection of clothes larger than any king has ever had

Stores. Stores exist and you can find anything you could ever need in them. Things you don't need to make yourself, things that you can just replace if they break, things you can pay other people to fix if they break

You have instant access to hundreds of millions of books on any subject you can think of

You have to go out of your way to find an unpaved road. Go ahead. Try to get to anywhere without driving or walking on a paved road. It's not easy.

Artificial limbs.

Artificial organs.

Air conditioning

Indoor heating

Electricity

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. It's an amazing time to be alive. We have so much that we look at how much we have and we get depressed because we think it isn't enough. But we don't have this without capitalism. We don't have it without the recognition of human rights. We don't have it without representative government or people who are willing to work to keep and maintain every level of our society. So yeah, you have to work. And maybe you might have to work more hours pouring coffee or typing at a computer than a medieval peasant had to work in the fields or at the forge or marching 20 miles per day to fight in some duke's pointless war against another duke. But if you think that your life isn't palatial compared to most people throughout the history of humanity then you really need some perspective. If you think embracing ideologies that have only ever led to suffering and human rights abuses is going to magically make your life perfect then you need to get a brain.

[aeide-thea]

tagged by @aldieb! thx for thinking of me, these little questionnaires are like. a cute little blast from tumblr's more interactive past :)

last song: i was going to have to give a sad little answer here about how i don't listen to music nearly enough anymore (never mind sing) and it's very definitely a reflection of my depression, but then i entirely out of nowhere and very urgently was like 'wait actually i have to listen to gordon lightfoot's "song for a winter's night" right now' so then i dashed off and did that and now that's the answer:

if i could know within my heart that you were lonely too i would be happy just to hold the hands i love on this winter night with you…

favorite color: oof so so many!! colors are so important. the signature one has gotta be a really highlighter-vivid chartreuse (🎾), but i do also really love me a good marigold orange? not to mention vermilion, or ochre, or moss green, or really saturated cobalt, or shades of rust or russet…

last movie/show: shetland bbc, which is a quiet well-acted murder mystery series set in a very beautiful very remote landscape. soothing if you like the british isles and can bear to entertain the fantasy of a decent policeman, at least for an hour or so at a time. also i admit to enjoying douglas henshall's face.

sweet/spicy/savory: all the best things are savory and also spicy! like. the jamaican curried chicken i grew up with. indian curries. malaysian laksa my beloved. can you tell i like curry. :D

relationship status: sidebar but this is such an amatonormative question lol. like why are we societally expected to look at 'relationship' and infer 'romantic.' also it seems like a weird outlier given that all the other qs are low-stakes little softballs abt yr tastes. however. extremely single! sometimes i'm sad about it because i miss sexual intimacy and i'm too shy to pursue that with strangers? but honestly most of the time i'm just as glad, because i don't actually know how to love people romantically without making a whole self-abnegating religion of it, so i'm not really convinced that dating was ever really all that good for me, on the whole…

last thing i googled: i use duckduckgo now, and you should too! :) having said that: 'yoal boat.' which is a very beautiful traditional style of shetland boat—apparently descended from a norwegian model?—that the islanders used to use for fishing, and then for storage draw up onto the land into these little prepared hollows called noosts (they have marinas now), which like. obviously i think is the most charming word imaginable. a cozy little noost for a lovely little boat! 🪺

current obsession(s): yoals aside, i guess the thing that best fits this category is that sometime in the last year or so i turned into Merino Guy??? like. even my boxer briefs are merino now (well, a merino-tencel blend) and like. it's so good, guys. comfy in a startlingly wide range of temps, helps me lessen my contribution to the microplastics problem, somehow even makes for reasonable athletic wear in the right weights and cuts: what's not to like. anyway brb, gotta go print out my 'NOT 🐑ISH ABOUT MERINO' bumper sticker. :D

tag 9 people: oof idk, do this if you'd enjoy it and ignore it if you wouldn't? gonna make like west and pull some names from my activity feed: @e-b-reads, @ghostofasecretary, @leatherbookmark, @nathanielthecurious, @obstinatecondolement, @papavera, @quailfang, @tisiphoness, @youcanthandelthetruth

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

Back on my Jamie Tartt bullshit

Five times Jamie asked someone about their Dad, and one time someone asked about him.

Roy

“What’s your Dad like?” Jamie asks Roy one day after an early morning training session. Jamie is warming down and stretching. They had been talking about the upcoming Manchester City game. It was a home game for the Greyhounds and Roy had asked him if he had heard from his prick of a father. Jamie told him he hadn’t since Wembley six months prior.

Roy raises his eyebrows at him.”He’s fine.”

“He’s fine? What the fuck does that mean?” Jamie says to him thinking he shouldn’t be surprised, it is Roy after all. “You never talk about him.”

“You don’t talk about your Dad,” Roy counters.

“Yeah, but me Dad’s a dick. You already know that.”

Jamie was trying anything to get his mind off the upcoming match against Man City. The team had been playing like shit since the loss to West Ham. Even with God’s gift to those that have everything, fucking Zava, they still couldn’t buy win.

Higgins had assured Jamie (and Roy, multiple times) that James Tartt, Sr. was banned from Nelson Road but he still wasn’t relieved. The fact that his Dad hadn’t texted or called him asking for tickets had freaked Jamie out even more. He should be happy his Dad hadn’t called, but instead it just made him more weary wondering if he was about to jump out from around every corner instead.

“I don’t really know my Dad well if you have to fucking know,” Roy admits, but there’s no heat behind his words. “He was always working while I was growing up. My Mum too. Grandad was the one who picked me up from school and all that shit. Made me dinner, helped with fucking homework and put me to bed. He was more of a fucking Dad to me than my own was. Then I went to Sunderland at nine and haven’t spent much time at home since.”

Well that’s depressing Jamie thinks. He always asks people what their Dad’s are like. Jamie never knows if it’s masochistic if he wants to hear about these great Dads other people have or if he’s looking for someone to make him feel better about his own shitty Dad. Usually, whatever the answer is just makes him feel depressed in one way or another.

“But your Dad, like, came to your matches and shit?”

“Yeah, once I played at Chelsea. Bragged to all his mates when we won the Champions League in 2012, didn’t he. And when I played for England. Wouldn’t talk to me after we lost to Iceland in the Euros in 2016 for like a fucking month though.”

“To be fair, who loses to fucking Iceland? Even the Mighty Ducks beat them for Christ’s sake.”

Roy gives him a look. They had made their way through the Mighty Ducks Trilogy during a trio of away games. The team agreed D2 was the best of the series. Sometimes Jamie wishes Gordon Bombay was his Dad. He would be sick at hockey if he knew how to skate.

“He ever come to a Richmond game when we played together?” Jamie asks him.

“No, he doesn’t even live in fucking England anymore. He fucked off to Marbella after my Mum died, bought a fucking strip club.”

“A what?” Jamie asks, laughing.

“Yeah,” Roy rolls his eyes and explains. “Sold the fucking posh house I bought them like two weeks after she died and moved there. He’s only even met Phoebe a handful of fucking times. He was pissed at my sister for getting pregnant. Probably has talked to Ruth even less.”

“Your Dad sounds like a dick,” Jamie tells him.

Jamie loves Phoebe. She’s smart and funny, especially for her age. He doesn’t understand how any grandparent wouldn’t want to see her. If he ever has kids, his Mum will probably demand to move in so she can spend more time with her grandchild. Anyone who doesn’t want to spend time with Phoebe sounds like a floppy cock to Jamie.

“How come you never told me about him?”

“Cause I talk so much about my fucking feelings for people?” Roy counters which, fair enough. “Besides, you kind of cornered the market on shitty Dads.”

“I guess I just can’t help being the best at everything,” Jamie says, Prince of Pricks smile on his face, pretending like he doesn’t care about his own Dad, like he doesn’t feel bad for Roy, too. Roy knows better now. He knows Jamie always puts on a smile or a grin, makes a joke or says something cocky when talking about his Dad. But Roy knows the real Jamie, the one that cried in his arms after standing up to his father for the first time. The. Jamie who flinched at his hug because he’s used to pain rather than comfort coming from the older men in his life.

Jamie knows his Dad takes the prize for bad father of the year, but it doesn’t mean Roy deserves the Dad he had either.

Dani

“What’s your Dad like?” Jamie asks Dani. They’re on the bus on the ride home from Rebecca’s father’s funeral. Jamie glances down at Dani’s feet, clad in Rebecca’s slippers and feels relief for his friend’s feet. He can’t wait to get home and take off his own shoes, maybe call his Mum, confess to her how he professed his love for Keeley. Try to relieve himself of some of his guilt.

“Mi Papa? Oh Jamie, he is wonderful. You would like him a lot I think.”

“That’s good muchacho,” Jamie says to him, truthfully. Dani is always so cheery, he isn’t surprised that Dani has a great Dad. No one as happy as Dani could grow up with the type of Dad that Jamie had.

“I am very happy to go home for a few weeks once the season is over,” Dani tells him.

“Oh yeah, that’s good,” Jamie adds. “You must miss them when you’re here.”

“I do, sí. But we talk on the phone each day. Papa and mi Mama are very proud. My sisters, tambien. I am very lucky.”

Jamie agrees, Dani is lucky. Clenching and unclenching his right fist unconsciously, thinking of a few weeks earlier when he saw he last saw his Dad at Wembley. Dani would never punch his Dad. He doubts the Dad that Dani described would ever do something worthy of being punched, would ever lay his hands on his own child.

“You are amigo,” Jamie tells him, happy that Dani’s has a Dad worthy of the kind and caring striker.

Sam

“What’s your Dad like?” Jamie asks Sam when he hears that Ola is coming to visit his son in a few days.

“Oh, he is amazing,” Sam tells him, smiling.

Jamie smiles back at him. He’d always been a little jealous of the younger man’s relationship with his Dad. The Nigerian loved his father enough to name his restaurant after him, Jamie wouldn’t name an unflushed poopy after his father. Jamie witnessed numerous phone calls between Sam and his Dad. Sam is always smiling and laughing, telling him how much he loves him. Jamie can’t remember the last time he told his Dad he loved him, can’t remember the last time he would’ve meant it.

Sam’s Dad was everything Jamie wished his own Dad was. Supportive, loving, not a fucking nightmare. Sam’s Dad seemed like Jamie’s own Mum, didn’t care that their sons were Premier League stars, only cared if they were happy. Ola and Georgie would probably get along very well. Jamie feels a swell of guilt. Neither would be happy the way Jamie treated Sam two years before. Jamie has tried to make amends to his teammate, starting with the Dubai Air boycott and Jamie planned to keep making amends to his Nigerian friend.

“Oh yeah?” Jamie says back to him, not sure what else to say.

“He is very wise. Very funny. He always tells me to follow my instincts, and to trust in the universe” Sam continues. “The universe will provide, he says. Did I tell you he bought bitcoin in 2009?”

“2009, swear down? You were still in diapers then,” Jamie ribs him.

“Jamie, you are only three years older than me,” Sam tells him seriously. “But the universe told me to stay in Richmond last year, and look at us now. I know this is where I am supposed to be.”

Jamie says a silent prayer to the universe for Sam remaining in Richmond. Even Jamie Tartt can’t disagree with the universe.

A few days later, when Sam cries into his Dad’s arms in the changing room, Jamie can’t help but think of the last time someone’s Dad was in their changing room. The last time ended with Jamie’s fist connecting with his face. Everyone looks around awkwardly, the silence much the same as it was in the Wembley dressing room. Jamie feels helpless watching the scene unfold, the way his own teammates felt the year before.

Sam cries in the comfort of his Dad’s arms, while Jamie cried in Coach Kent’s arms. Sam’s Dad brings comfort, his own brings pain. Sam’s Dad brings support, his Dad gives criticism. Ola and James could not be more different. In some ways Sam and Jamie also couldn’t be more different, and each encounter is stark in their differences, but both young men are seeking comfort. Ola gives it freely, easily, while James just causes heartbreak and fear, pushing Jamie to seek comfort in others.

The next night when they’re at Ola’s helping cleaning up the mess, Jamie smiles when Sam walks in with his Dad. The big man cooks for them, appreciative of the way they care for his son while he’s so far from home. Jamie chats with them while they cook, thinking maybe he should ask Simon to teach him some of his recipes. Jamie is glad his friend has Ola for a Dad. Sam deserves a Dad like Ola.

Beard

“What’s your Dad like?” Jamie asks Beard, watching the older man hold his baby daughter. They’re at a cookout at the Higgins house, a few weeks before the season starts. Vera, Beard’s almost year old daughter giggles in his arms as Jamie tickles her.

“Apathetic,” Beard answers. Jamie still isn’t quite sure how to talk to him but it’s gotten slightly easier. Beard is different without Ted, more his own person than an extension of Ted. Still weird as fuck but Jamie appreciates the weirdness now. He’s trying to be more curious than judgemental. Jamie understands Beard is a man who has lived many different lives. The newest one being father.

“Right okay,” Jamie says unsure, so he turns instead to Vera the pitch of his voice raising as he asks, “And what’s your Dad like?”

Vera giggles.

“Didn’t really know him,” Beard admits. “My parents divorced when I was around 2. He disappeared after that.”

I wish my Dad fucking disappeared, Jamie thinks. It would’ve made his life a lot easier. Made his Mum’s life a lot easier.

“That’s shit,” is what he says to Beard instead.

“I’ve met your Dad, Jamie,” Willis says to him. “It’s shit but better than what you had to deal with.”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, making silly faces at Vera.

“But Vera,” Beard says to his daughter in the type of voice one only talks to babies with. “Is going to be have a much better Dad, aren’t you mi lady?”

Vers giggles in agreement. Good, Jamie thinks. Vera deserves the Dad that Beard wants to be for her.

Simon

“What’s your Dad like?” Jamie asks his step-dad. It’s Father’s Day night and he’s at home in Manchester, visiting Georgie and Simon. Mum had gone to bed early, but Jamie was too wired to sleep. He’s on the sofa when Simon came back downstairs and sat with him, silently watching television with him.

Jamie’s 19, he just left his own Father’s flat, after he passed out drunk. James had guilted Jamie into taking him to a fancy dinner, where he promptly ordered the most expensive scotch on the menu and told the kindly waiter to keep them coming. Jamie barely got him home before he passed out. Jamie snuck out while he slept and instead of going to his own flat, he just wanted to see his Mum. He hated Father’s Day, he always wants to make it a second Mum’s Day as one day is never enough.

When Jamie was younger, before his Dad started coming around, he always hated Father’s Day. They had to make cards in school and Jamie, with neither a Father, Grandad or even an Uncle to make a card for was always made fun of by the other kids when they saw his hastily made card with Happy Father’s Day Mummy scrawled across the front.

But then his Dad started to show up again, didn’t he. Expecting cards and love like he didn’t dole his own love out with insults and bruises. And it’s always been easier to do something with his prick of a Dad then deal with the consequences if he doesn’t. His money makes it easier now, Dad is happy with an expensive gift and a steak, he doesn’t have to put in the effort or the same time he did before he was being played to play football.

Jamie is a dutiful step-son though, and always wants to make his Mum happy, so he’s always gotten Simon a Father’s Day gift but he was saved from having to spend the day with him as Simon goes to see his own Dad. Not that his own Dad would’ve allowed it.

“He’s a lot like me, I guess,” Simon tells him. Jamie’s met the man a couple times, and saw him at the wedding, but he doesn’t think he’s really talked to the man. “At least that’s what my Mum used to say. Two peas in a pod.”

“Was he a teacher too?” Jamie asks.

“He was a principal,” Simon tells him. “Even was my principal when I was in primary school.”

“That must’ve been tough,” Jamie says, he can’t imagine being around his Dad every day in school.

“Oh not really,” Simon tells him. “We walked to school together everyday, it was nice.”

It strikes Jamie how different he is from Simon, their upbringings, their interests, all they have in common sometimes he thinks is loving his Mum.

“I’d go mad if I had to see my Dad fucking everyday,” Jamie tells him, internally wincing at the f word. Simon never chastises him for swearing but Jamie knows he doesn’t like it.

“Your Dad is a different sort, Jamie. I’m lucky to have a Dad like mine. Yours is lucky to have a son like you,” Simon says to him, smiling sadly. “I’m lucky to have a son like you.”

Son, Jamie thinks bitterly. Wants to spit back he’s not his son but holds his tongue. What would he be like if Simon had been his Dad and not his prick of a father? Or married his Mum when he was 6 and not 16. Jamie probably wouldn’t be nearly as good at footie, but would he be happier? Simon’s been his step-dad for a few years but Jamie’s never thought of the man as a father, or even in a father role. Simon is perfectly nice, perfectly fine. He makes his Mum happy so that’s good. But he’s kind of just there. Jamie hasn’t thought of Simon as more than his mother’s husband.

But Simon just called him son. Simon who always cooks for him when he’s home and tries his best to make whatever fits in his nutrition plan or whatever Jamie requests of him. The same Simon who asks him about all his football matches even though he knows he doesn’t like or understand the game. Simon who does his laundry when he’s home and drives Mum to any matches she wants to go to. Usually ones they know his Dad won’t be at.

Simon, who the few times they’ve been in the same room just took James’ insults rather than say something back and make a scene. At the time Jamie thought him a pussy for not responding in kind to his father. Now Jamie thinks that’s his father’s voice saying it in his head rather than his own. It made his Dad so angry when Simon ignored him, something Jamie now understands is a choice, a message, even more so than any retort back to James would be.

“I guess,” Jamie says to him, shrugging, wondering why he’s never really let Simon in. He wonders if he has the father he deserves after all.

+1

Jamie looks down at the newborn baby in his arms, David George Tartt, and can’t keep the smile from his lips.

His son starts to fuss a little, Jamie rocks him back and forth, softly singing “Baby Tartt, do do do do do do, Baby Tartt do do do do do do, Baby Tartt, do do do do do do, Baby Tartt.”

The baby settles quickly and Jamie whispers to him, “You remember your Dad singing that while in your Mummy’s tummy then yeah Little Davey?”

“I can’t believe he’s finally here,” his wife says to him, an exhausted smile on her face while looking at the picture perfect image of her husband and their son.

“He’s perfect,” Jamie says to her, not taking his eyes off his baby boy.

“Of course he is,” she laughs. “He looks just like the pictures Georgie showed me of you as a baby.”

His Mum is going to lose it at the sight of her sexy little baby holding his own sexy little baby. Georgie and Simon are on their way, probably breaking all sorts of traffic laws. Jamie can’t wait for his son to meet his Gigi and Grandpa.

“You think so?” Jamie asks her. The swell of brown hair and grey eyes certainly favour him.

“I do,” his wife says. “And I already know he takes after you if all the kicking he did to my insides is any indication.”

Jamie turns to smile at his wife, a new level of love for her building that he didn’t think was possible. He had no idea what childbirth was going to be like, but watching his wife through hours of labor, he has a new respect for mother’s everywhere, and in particular his wife and his own. Jamie walks over to sit on the edge of the bed next to her.

His wife wraps her arm around her boys, laying her head on Jamie’s shoulder.

“Little Davey is so lucky to have you for a Dad,” she tells Jamie. “And I’m lucky to have this DILF for a husband.”

She kisses him on the cheek, then turns to place a hand on her son’s tiny chest, feeling the steady rise and fall as she gazes at his perfect little face. “And how do you like your Dad, little man? You are a very lucky little boy. Your Dad is the best man I know. He’s funny, and sweet, he’s loyal, and giving, and he’s going to be the very best Dad. Already is.”

Jamie would be lying if he said he hadn’t freaked out numerous times during the pregnancy. His own father had been absent, at best, and abusive, at worst. He knew from stories that James Tartt, Sr.’s own Dad had been similar. But everyone in his life, including his Mum, his wife, Roy, Simon, Doctor Sharon, even Ted, had assured him that he could break the cycle. And if Jamie was certain of one thing, it’s that he would. Jamie Tartt is going to be the father that his son deserves.

[virtie333]

One Year Ago

I almost didn't post this. I wrote it for catharsis, but a friend said I should post it as it may help others. I can count on one hand the number of people who know about this. I don't know, maybe I'll delete it....

One year ago today, while cleaning Chester’s paddock, I made plans.

A few days earlier, I had received an email from my brother-in-law that involved some very hurtful and offensive accusations. My sister responded a few days after that, but not with an apology. She defended him, and added her own opinions.

When someone you have loved and trusted your whole life essentially says you are worthless, then it must be true.

So, the next day, I made plans.

I would have to complete my will, first. I would have to make sure Chester went to a local rescue. He wasn’t ridable and though I know a friend might take him as a ‘pasture pet,’ if push comes to shove and they ran short on money, he would be the first to go. The rescue would care for him, and I would make sure that if ever they could no longer do so, they would euthanize him.

My brother would get the other animals and all my belongings. He could sell my truck, trailer, etc. and use the funds to care for my dog Jackson, my cat Rodney, and Stache, the barn cat I had just brought home from work a month earlier. He would take care and love them.

It would have to look like an accident so my life insurance would pay out. God forbid my sister would have to pay for my funeral! I am an avid hiker, and there are trails very close that follow the canyon rim, with a 60 to 100 foot drop straight down. I usually hike with Jackson, but I could say I was leaving him home because he was sore. It would be very easy to slip while checking out the view. It’s happened before up there.

Could I actually do it? Was I brave enough? It was the only way. And I needed to do it soon.

That was my plan.

But wait. I can’t do it right away. Moon Knight just started, and I waited so long for this show and it’s even better than I had hoped and only two episodes have aired so far. I really want to see the rest. It takes my mind off the pain. I’ll wait.

Then I started posting a new story I had written. I didn’t think it would be very popular, as it was very different from my last, popular one, but I have loyal readers. I can’t just leave it unfinished, and have them wondering what happened to me. And I can’t post it all at once, because that will give away the fact that it was planned. So, I’ll wait.

An acquaintance that hated Moon Knight complained and criticized it over and over and I finally broke. I said things. I don’t regret them, because they were the truth, but I immediately became the villain to the rest of the group. Once more, I was reminded that I was unimportant, that my thoughts and feelings were inconsequential. How could I tell them? How could I explain this show literally kept me alive?

So, I waited.

A spark of hope. My brother and I worked toward a future we could both live with. I prayed, and found that I began to believe again for the first time in a long time. The story I was posting, the one I thought would not do well, became my greatest hit. Not only did its success thrill me, but once again, I had something to thank for keeping me alive.

Though low on funds, I made a trip west, to California, to meet up with my best friends in the world. They were the only people I told about my plans. They made sure to let me know how grateful they were I hadn’t followed through. I loved every minute of Galaxy’s Edge and I continued to hope for a better future. And I waited.

The hope was realized just before Christmas. My future wasn’t as dark and scary as it had been. Unfortunately, the loss of Rodney just before New Years kept me down. I was still depressed and full of non-stop anxiety, and on the anniversary of my mother’s death, I once more started falling into that darkness. I left a group I cared a great deal about because I realized a lot of my anxiety was coming from there; it’s hard caring more about people than they do about you. I bawled my eyes out while I clicked that ‘leave’ button, but I don’t regret it. It’s been over two months and only two people have even noticed I left. That says something right there.

Now, for the first time since Tariq got very sick in November 2020, I actually have the desire to do things. I’m not working and writing just to keep sane. I’m reading again. I’m playing with Chester. I’m taking Jackson on walks. I’m going back to mass, not because I have to but because I want to. I still resent my brother-in-law, and I’m still waiting for an apology from my sister, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m still alone. I’m still uncertain of my worth. But I have my animals, including two new cats, and my home. I have plans. New plans. Better plans.

One year ago today, while cleaning Chester’s paddock, I made plans.

But today I’m alive. And I’m happy. All because I waited.

Don’t give up. Things WILL get better.

[tomatoswup]

hello! your writing is super good and im glad your requests are open!! it's not a suggestion including an oc, but im using my trisona as a reference.. what about vash's relationship with a person who doesn't want to have a romantic relationship, but still ended up falling for him? i have a hc that he's like this too, but imagine both wanted to have something else and being scared to hurt each other :(

hehehe hello anon~ and thank u for serving this beautiful piece of ANGST😈,,,you gave it to the wrong fiend hehehe jk its in the right hands :D I kinda wrote this with the thought that between this person and vash that it isn’t just based on really the original thought of love (affection, physical touch,etc) but more based on the thought of a more emotional love? SORRY IF I MADE IT TOO ANGSTY ITS JUST IN MY BLOOD TO MAKE THINGS A TAD BIT SADDER😭😭

Vash totally respect that this person isnt trying finding any romantic involvement.

Even if he likes them the same way and thinks the same about not wanting a relationship, he would try his best to protect them.

Because he cares about them.

Just maybe this connection between them doesnt have to be a romantic one, but a more emotionally/platonic based one.

Vash's relationship with this person would be very...particular. In some senses, it could be seen as a mutual partnership in the eyes of others, but to both Vash and this individual it would be more than that. And maybe that doesn't have to have a label or name to it.

Even if both didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship but they still fell in-love with each-other, they would try their best to support eachother, more if they both share feelings about one another. You could look at it more at a emotional intimacy stance than a physical one.

They’d be by Vash more in his times of need whenever he’s in moralistic dilemmas, if those nightmares of his got the better of him, or if those depressive thoughts made their rounds.

And maybe because of who Vash is, as both individual who wouldn't want anyone he cares about hurt and his life as the Humanoid Typhoon, that he would try to push them away as much as he can.

But they can't necessarily let him go, can they?

Of course, dealing with feelings they never expected to have about the blonde himself would be nerve wrecking at first. But I feel like the more they come to realize those feelings, this person would find their own way to deal with them, or at least find another way to express them, just not in a romantic sense.

Probably by supporting him emotionally instead of physically really.

But perhaps it's fate or luck, or maybe it's something not made for this reality, but maybe for another. The fear would always be there, as long as Vash is on the run.

In a different prospective, Vash would still love to spend his eternities with this person, if it were all different, even as friends, lovers, or a platonic other.

There isn't much they can do, but understand, trust and survive with each other in the Wild Wild West, even if it means having to sacrifice the thought of being something more.

Life is hard no doubt, and the both of them understand it, but there was too much going on for the pair to work. Like I said,

Perhaps in another world everything could work out, and where not everything could be so complicated.

[novemberthecatadmirer]

(Dumb headcanon)

I think maybe after 3rd kinslaying… Maglor was the crazy one and Maedhros was the sane one

Like, these orphans… Your brothers murdered their maternal grandparents and your brother’s follower murdered their uncles. You drove their mother to (failed) suicide while their father was away. You burnt their city and murdered their people. You took them as hostages away from their home away from their culture.

Reasonably, they do not like you.

Also they are part Maia and slightly Eldritch.

It’s just a BAD idea to adopt them. Like, bad idea from so many different perspectives

There were people who wanted to keep them and possibly could take care of them better. They could grow up raised not by murderers of their family

Maglor: Yeah anyway I am going to keep these babies

Maedhros: No

Maglor: YES

Maedhros: the other day they tried to murder us with their hair

Maglor: but look how cute they are

Maglor and his emotional-support (kidnapped) babies

—————

I like to think Maedhros was rational till the end. He forced himself to be sane (for an insane goal)

Maglor was kind of broke by the third kinslaying. All the sound. The screams. The building collapsing in fire. The swords cutting into bodies. The wind and the waves. Elwing yelling then laughing at them.

And he was no longer able to make new songs. He did not want to think what this meant. After all, the other one infamously lost his ability to create was Morgoth.

So Maglor was functioning but far from sane. Passively suicidal at best.

Maedhros would keep E & E against his judgement and conscience if that meant Maglor got a reason to live

Maglor did have a really good assessment of the situation. The “we’re already in eternal darkness why should we drag more people into our doom” comes from someone extremely depressed.

I think Maedhros did have the same feeling but seeing the way Maglor was he decided that something must change.

Then the whole burning hand thing happened… and that was the moment Maedhros finally lost it

—————

I actually like to think Maglor was not delirious in his wandering

In some way he got a purpose, or decided a purpose for himself

I think he was suicidal for a long period of time but after Maedhros offing himself he realized he lost the right to do the same

(also very possibly Maedhros said something to him to guilt-trip him into not following suit)

(Like, Maglor was holding this bottle of poison. Maedhros saw it and decided to take it and drink it himself)

I think his wandering was his way to make up for his family’s mistake. Now his father and his brothers were all dead and he was the only one who was alive and could make any changes.

He wanted to repent for his family. It was too late but he would still do it.

There was no reason to go back to the west. He made judgement for himself.

I think even his canon end was not “giving up and drown in misery.” Tell the cautious tale to people was not self-pitying.

I like to think he just continued to live on the land his father led them to. See and experience everything for his dead family who could not see or experience themselves. Continue to exit, learned new songs. Lived the way Eru designed elves to live.

—————

Anyway I just feel it’s funny to think that Elrond & Elros were basically Maglor’s emotional support Eldritch Peredhels

(In my undergraduate art school the dorm did not allow pets so people registered their cats & dogs as “emotional support animals.” The funny thing is that’s not even wrong; almost everyone had either depression or anxiety or both.)

[rescue-ram]

3, 26, 42 and 50 for the fic writer meme!

3) What are some tropes or details that you think are characteristic of your work?

My worst habit is getting a really big idea for a fic, writing part of it, then losing steam and not being able to finish. I will come back to you WIPs, I swear!! I also tend towards very introspective narrators, for better or for worse, and whenever I edit I have to constantly ask myself what is the character DOING to make sure I'm not relying too heavily on dialogue. I've also noticed I tend to be annoyingly meticulous and have difficulty eliding details. If a character picks something up they WILL put it back down, I do draw little diagrams to make sure everything's spatial positions stay the same, and I will find myself writing an extra thousand words to explain how a character got to where they are rather than skipping to the good part... which definitely contributes to my difficulties finishing WIPs 😅 As far as pairings and character relationships generally, I'm a sucker for complicated and ambiguous relationships, and pairs who have overcome some kind of inequality to be together. I'm frequently a fetid phone poster so I often notice annoying little typos after publishing, which makes me gnash my teeth. As far as tropes, I like "slow burn build up to big cathartic moment", and "character wrestling with humanity/sense of self", and a lil bit of outsider POV. I also have a tendency to focus on the characters hands in descriptions, and there are DEFINITELY a few phrases I catch myself reusing when I reread my fics, I should probably go through and make a call out post for myself at some point with those ram-isms 😅

26) Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that had only dialogue?

I know this would only further my bad habit, but definitely dialogue only.

42) Have you ever received a comment that stood out to you for any reason?

Love and light to all commenters everywhere 🥰 But I think the comment that most stood out to me when I received it, was I gave Rescue Bots (my beloved) a chance because of a specific Tumblr user who hyped it up, and then they left a very nice comment on Discretion. I was too depressed to respond at the time, but I was very bemused they found my fic and happy they liked it!

50) Using my free space here to muse on something I've noticed, in reading older fics recently and comparing them to newer fics... There is a lot less homophobia in fics nowadays. I mean this in a neutral way. I think it generally says good things about our culture and LGBT acceptance, and also is probably part of the trend of stronger taboos on controversy in many parts of fandom. But in reading older fics, it wasn't that the characters are haters or anything but homophobia is just an embedded assumption that has to be wrestled with. A lot of pagespace is given to characters working through their own internalized homophobia, wrestling with the closet or coming out, and facing varying levels of rejection from the rest of the cast. Nowadays, it seems like most fics are written as "Everything is canon except these characters have always been gay/bi", or in AUs where things like DADT never existed or gay marriage has always been legal, so there a lot less on page conflict over the characters' sexualities. Yay for people now being able to treat broad acceptance as unremarkable and a given nowadays, is the plusside!

I really started thinking about this the other day after reading two fics. One was a West Wing fic from the year of our Lord 2000, where Toby was both broadly supportive of a relationship between Josh and Sam... and also homophobic. Like, he loved them both and supported their relationship and was the best man at their commitment ceremony, AND was repeatedly vocally grossed out by PDA between them and actively got in between them in public out of fear they'd accidentally out themselves. This behavior was both accepted by the characters and totally uncommented on by the narrative. It was a pretty good fic, but that characterization struck me as being very of its time. In contrast, I was then reading a MASH fic from like last year, and it had Potter say something like "Love is love" and I was just immediately jarred out of the fic. Not in the sense that I think Potter would necessarily be hateful or something- I think he's both compassionate enough and pragmatic enough to decide what two consenting soldiers of similar ranks do in private is none of his business- but like, he's a Presbyterian Regular Army Colonel who was born in 1890-something, "Love is love" does not scan as natural or inevitable for the character to me. It felt like either a missed opportunity for a little character work- maybe Hawkeye is shocked by his easy reaction and they exchange a few lines on how he came to acceptance- or a missed opportunity for drama. And if the author just didn't want to get into it- completely valid- then writing Potter out of the scene would've preserved the suspension of belief better IMO. Reading those fics close together got me thinking about that broader pattern, which again I just find interesting... and also left me a little curious if the extremely frustrating and unfortunate resurgence in atmospheric/cultural homophobia in many places means that older pattern is going to reemerge in the psychosphere of fandom. I think my own fics tend more towards the "background homophobia" side of the force because of my own experiences. And I guess that's my "deep fandom thought" of the week.

[tammyhybrid21]

Pebbles a Reflection

Now, this isn’t in the main tags for... personal reasons. So if you’ve somehow come across it be prepared because this is not going to be a light post. It’s both analysis and self-reflection using Pebbles as a “mirror” for real world issues.

Warnings should be obvious but just in case. This post will cover a lot of heavy topics. It will be covering suicidality, depression, disability/chronic illness, abandonment trauma, religious trauma, my thoughts on the deeper meaning of ascension and how it’s presented in Rain World and beyond, what it means to wish for nothingness.

So yeah, to start off with Hi, I’m Hybrid, or Tammy... I’m not in a great place, but I am slowly getting better... And I’m sure I’ve mentioned in another post somewhere... if I found Rain World back when it initially came out, back in 2017 I probably would have related the most to Moon. I still definitely do. I to am an older sibling who is brought low by circumstances, with a younger brother who is... a disaster. But-- but--

It is not 2017. It is 2024, or rather it was 2023 when I finally come around to properly playing and exploring Rain World lore. And I love Moon, she’s still definitely someone I can look at and see myself in reflection, we share flaws, we share burdens and yet-- More than that, I look at Moon and see my own older sister. Someone who was grown when I was just new to the world... It’s 2024 and I am Five Pebbles.

Or well...

I look at him and I get it. So, this will be me talking about it. In the best way I can handle my emotions as a semi well-adjusted Autistic Human Being. Full disclosure, if anyone else relates to my points throughout, you’re doing great. Keep it up, believe in yourself and your ability to thrive. Live on spite alone.

SO, let’s get to it then.

Sibling Dynamics

Let’s get the immediate thing out of the way first.

The Siblings. Whether it is explicitly canon or not they are very much coded to be read as such. Moon calls herself Big Sis Moon, whether that’s honorary or not... it is, what we have.

Moon and Pebbles share a lot. Resources, citizens, a literal connection via the bridge that became the Precipice. They probably share a portion of design template as well... we can’t know entirely. But it’s very much all canon things. The room in Rubicon as well is shared between them.

Whether people like it or not, they’re... basically treated and written like siblings. Siblings with a lifetime age gap. Or... several lifetimes really. Which... explains a lot of why Moon didn’t act to stop Pebbles. It’s not just a matter of her been too soft to, it’s also as much a matter of it been hard to see past that state where Pebbles is baby brother. Hard to remember someone is grown and beyond that when you still remember them when they were so new that they could be held in your arms. As if they were nothing. Also probably a reason she lets go of the anger so much, because again, she’s got a whole other perspective on it. Aside just memory loss.

All this is baked into the tragedy of the story.

...

All this is before you factor in the hand-me-downs aspects as well. Hand-me-down robes, hand-me-down citizens, hand-me-down problems. Pebbles is treated in canon much as the unloved surprise child. Very much in Moon’s shadow as the younger less capable sibling... at least it seems like that’s how it was with the ancients. And for all he says it was something that never bothered him, his actions really, really do speak louder. Can’t blame him for trying to escape the shadow he was cast in... something that was so unfair to them both.

Also I do think that he was LITERALLY cast in Moon’s shadow. It’s hinted but not stated that his structure is to the West of Moon’s... Sunrise in the East. My evidence for this is his own words... and the layout of the map. “Go out West past the Farm Arrays and down...” Also his dialogue to Rivulet if you take his Rarefaction cell first before meeting him. “Take it far to the East to her”

...

I really want to go on a deep dive, but truthfully-- I don’t need to at this point in time. I can save the most of it for later. But these siblings really had things stacked against them in every case truly. It was an unfair situation from the start.

Which back to circle around, I have a very specific reading, some of it because of my own headcanons, some from projection, but a lot from reading between the lines of why that drive for independence is there... As well the “I just want someone to say I did a good job” vibes. And what is this reading... well, I get the sense that at least some of Pebbles actions are driven by a wish to not be a burden.

It circles around, and I will likely come back to this later. But for now, yeah. These siblings are complicated.

Longing For Meaning in...

Death.

Oh boy, this is going to be a mess. So here’s the thing. I have... a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings in general on The Great Problem... how it’s presented and how the characters interact with it and the world. And yes, I’m viewing it through a probably entirely wrong lens because culture, BUT-- Let’s think about the presentation... Inside and out of the game. What continues, what fails. What changed, because here’s the immediate thing.

I’m a fully a believer in the wake up in a new cycle and continuing literally interpretation of the game’s cycle. I’d love to talk at length but all you folks need to know is yes, I believe the respawn in the game is actually canon in Rain World’s lore... 

Sooo that established, what do I think is ascension. Well... death of soul, cessation of being.. at least how it’s presented in Rain World. So why did I start this section off by saying Longing For Meaning In Death... Well--

I’ll be honest. I grew up with the understanding that was death. Death is literally the end, no thoughts, no worries, nothing but the memories that others have left of you. And while for some folks the idea of nonexistence must be terrifying, one of my personal struggles for a long time was how that thought was such a comfort, something appealing... Something that in Rain World the ancients seemed to strive for, viewing it as an escape. That’s how ascension apparently is in Rain World, you cease to be... you become just cosmic dust in the void.

And oh, how Pebbles longs...

...

Which an argument can be made for all the iterators longing. Find the solution, find the answer to ascension for all. That answer is The Saint. But there’s something more with how Pebbles longs. Seeking and searching, and his attempts to bypass that taboo. And oh boy I have a lot of thoughts on that. A lot, lot of thoughts.

But not sure if I can put all those into words easily. Mostly because then I would be kind of telling on myself a lot. It’s the kind of information best kept between me and my psychologist... but at the same time...

The way death verses ascension is presented in Rain World. To ascend is to leave the world behind, become greater than yourself... become something more, often used in mythology and fiction alike to meaning going up, to answer the call to become some form of higher being. Become a God... a Spirit, or ascend to the throne. Etc.

Yet in Rain World it means to leave behind the world and to become part of the great everything. Death of soul, no reincarnation, no more respawns...

...

And oh, the longing for meaning in that. To become nothing, everything... part of the cosmic dust of the universe. To not have the pressure of existing anymore beyond the memories that others hold of you. What Sliver of Straw achieved. What the Saint grants.

A longing for meaning, longing for freedom.

Also this is REALLY not helped by the global religion in Rain World. While it’s presented as a good thing, again it’s presented as ascending beyond the cycle and into cosmic dust. “From nothing we are born and to nothing we will return”... the way I was taught about death. We are nothing but motes of dust in the eyes of the universe and a memory to God.

Death Seeking is the rule...

Hah, like finding everything as persecution...

Seven Red Suns

Hah...

Wonder if this actually surprises anyone. I have, STRONG feelings about Suns after all. And boy do they end up looped into here. And I think right after the longing for meaning part is important... because... they’re one of the big influences. Pebbles mentions it himself even, they helped him open up and explore new avenues. For the better but also much, much for the worse.

Suns is in... such an odd position in my head. Because I have made no secret I dislike them.

So maybe I should explain why.

I had a Suns in my life. Not AS bad, nowhere near as tone dumb, but I did... I had someone who pulls some of that same, patronizing stuff. The whole backhanded compliments, the play for pity and circling back as if they’re such an awful mindless bad friend. Which oh I’m sure people won’t think that’s how Suns is, but they did employ a pity trap card-- they did backhand things... they’re... not a good friend.

And, they’re the one who kind of led/introduced Pebbles to things. They’re all the biggest dumbass.

Even if you’re generous and call them well meaning. Suns is... one of the big dominoes to fall. Spearmaster as well.

Pebbles went to them as a cry for help. Again, with that longing for meaning, longing for something of substance. The Bug Maze conversation as the first time. And... what did Suns give him.

The bugs in a maze analogy and the statement that they have two options alone. “Do nothing, or work like you’re supposed to”... no alternatives like hobbies or ANYTHING. Thanks Suns, what great advice. I also take great issue with how Suns talks to others in general, and admittedly some of it is probably my own trauma from experiences but still.

Suns is just, absolutely no help to anyone.

They’re bad at people and then worse, they speak and present themself as if they’re so smart... as well downplaying things. Which maybe you won’t read it as that but I really can.

Suns is one of the factors that just, made Pebbles state worse. That anger and frustration that’s brewing, that pain burning under the surface. Suns might have been “helpful” and supportive but they just didn’t understand really, their issues is a certain kind of blindness in pride.

And of course, then they made everything... so, so much worse.

Twice even.

Thanks Suns...

Longing for Freedom

And oh, oh isn’t this the key and the core root of everything. Oh I have so many thoughts about this. I spoke a little bit about the longing for meaning in death, but a bigger one is the longing for Freedom. Oh it’s the thing that Pebbles even says to Survivor, to Monk, about that claustrophobic feeling of been trapped within yourself.

Trapped in the Cycle.

Trapped...

None of the iterators were made, none of them were born free. All of them were caged. Caged in structures, bodies so much bigger and greater than we could comprehend. A hivemind, a single mind... On the string, off the string, arguments that don’t matter because of what they’re all seeking. Tied to the cycles and yet unable to truly experience them, or so they were told. And oh, oh does Pebbles canonically suffer from this.

Even before the rot. This longing is inbuilt. To be free to be something more than what they were made and designed for. They never had any choices, and for Pebbles this longing for freedom gave him that fierce wish to be independent outside of Moon’s shadow especially... he wanted to be more, and this loops back around to my earlier wondering, that vibe I got from him where he viewed himself possibly as a bit of burden.

Moon so does worry about him, she prioritizes him...

Very much to her detriment. And oh if that’s not the heart of this tragedy. But oh isn’t that also so relatable. For both of the siblings this is something I feel keenly. That sense of longing of wishing, the choking sense that you are not free... dancing to someone else’s tune, to someone else’s whims. Going in circles and unable to do anything more...

Something that for Pebbles probably got worse and worse as the timeline stretched. He has such justified anger, hurt-- desperation. It’s all tied back to this, he wants to stand up on his own and be something...

...

Then comes the rot... and oh, chronic pain, chronic illness and the shackles that come with that. To realise you’re losing what freedoms you had before.

It’s not about a lack of care. Pebbles longing for ascension was not selfish entirely. It’s in his very dialogue, he wanted to be another example, prove that Sliver of Straw’s results weren’t a fluke. Weren’t by chance, and yet everything is stacked against him... he doesn’t get that freedom he’s longing for. Doesn’t get the chance to have control, to not be a burden...

Instead he brings his sister down and gives himself the worst illness an iterator could get.

Rotten Regrets

I am a chronic ill baby. I have always been in pain.

From babyhood to adulthood, no answers. Nowadays it’s chalked up as Fibromyalgia, as FND, as insert whatever catch all disorder here. Still not really answers... and for iterators that’s the rot as well. What causes it seems to be experiments but at the same time it’s treated in story as cancer and cancer is... well--

I saw something once where it was stated everyone technically has cancer. It’s just benign in most, needs something to trigger it into been dangerous and it makes me wonder...

But ultimately that doesn’t matter.

For Rain World, for Five Pebbles the rot is the culmination of a number of things. But I think a key one is kind of masked. It’s the factor of how Pebbles didn’t want Moon to be involved... And I don’t think this is a nefarious thing... just as I don’t think Pebbles truly fully understood the damage he was doing when he took the water, not until later and then he tried so hard to hold onto his anger over his guilt because if he let himself feel it...

But, this...

Did you know it’s always the hardest to tell the people closest to you that you long for death? Always the hardest to talk to the people who you KNOW would be worried, would be shocked, horrified try and convince you to not... the ones who so deeply care about you it hurts something deep deep down...

...the people who you feel like you’re a burden to.

That is why Pebbles didn’t want Moon to be involved. Suns meanwhile, I think it’s telling in how he reached out, and then the information Suns sent. They were in the same groups... Pebbles was comfortable, Suns had similar views and really was not helping, but oh Moon... Moon would have been so hurt, so worried, and how could he possibly tell her that? No, never, he can’t--

And then anger is easier, anger in the face of his own mistake.

I ask this, who was he most angry at. Moon for causing the rot, or himself ultimately?

...

And here’s a core of these feelings.

When you want to die, to be nothing. It’s not a matter of lack of care, not a matter of anger and wanting to hurt those around you... it’s a desperate plea, a cry out into the darkness of the world for some control, something tangible, sense of freedom. Which with the Rot looming as a threat, everything that followed. God, I have so many opinions and no words to explain them. But it’s so much deeper than just what we see on the surface.

...

All the iterators want to be free. Those who theorise death is the answer are just as desperate, just as seeking it. It’s just that burning unfairness, it’s what Pebbles had motivating him. To find the answer, to find meaning, freedom for them all. He even tells as much to The Artificer, his laments, another distraction, and he’ll try again, he has to get those results, now because if he doesn’t... what’s it worth with empty words to Moon? To the others in the local group? And he’s now on a time limit.

This, didn’t help. And boy, I can relate. Not in that I have cancer, but chronic illness is... energy draining. I have chronic aches and pains. I struggle and boy do I know how much worse that plays. Which loops back around to Pebbles unstated but very present vibes of feeling like a burden. The unwanted mess of a younger sibling.

...the unfavourite.

The rot been the culmination of all his failures and oh boy... I just finished Rivulet’s story and boy did it make me remember where I was going with some of these thoughts. Boy did it make me feel things because seeing how everything unfolds, how everything dominoes.

Pebbles choice of a non-verbal apology. A sorry without using that empty word.

“I’ve made my choice”

And in the end, that choice is still so in line with everything else. He’s the sibling that’s unwanted, cut himself off and has that belief that he’s the disliked one. Between the two of them Moon’s the more important one... and he’s sick anyway. Can’t fight it, ran out of options, but at least he can choose to face it on his own terms... that’s what Rivulet’s story comes down to. What his choice in the campaign comes to as meaning.

“I cannot run from my mistakes forever; Please Understand”

Is it any wonder he longed to be nothing but a memory? And you know what really sucks about it... the core background behind that is at least as nothing nobody has to be burdened by worrying about him anymore right? Moon won’t have to carry her worry, her protection of him anymore...

There is no suffering in the void, no thoughts in death, the dead worry for nothing for they have no thoughts, no needs... they are nothing but memories that the living carry.

Hah, the greatest irony... often what keeps someone from committing is that mess of burden.

Is it more of one leaving people caring for you or... the burden of how they will have to handle everything that comes with the loss of someone so dearly cared for?

[atangledfate]

She smiled so much, and beamed with the brightness of the sun--- but deep down she was always questioning herself. Was she making the right choice? Was this going to hurt someone? what if messed up and disappointed her mother? what if she let her people down... what if... what if--- she couldn't stand the idea of failing! She had to be perfect, she had to hold the world on her shoulders! she couldn't afford to screw up! she couldn't be a disappointment to her mother!

She felt her self snap out of her own dark thoughts that threatened to drag her under. She trembled but Poppys touch brought her some solace as she clung to the bigger woman. She had plenty of care takers growing up, but no one she'd think of as a mother or father figure--- Gardon sometimes felt like a grandfather to her but his presence was quite recent. Sometimes her desire for perfection was maddening to her.

" I... I spent decades as a child... people would come and go... but i felt like i never changed. I use to stand in front of my mother's statue and beg for her to come hold me... touch me... say something to me... all i got was silence... not because she didn't want --- she just couldn't... "

She rubbed her eyes thinking of her childhood was often very depressing.

" I always wanted to play with the other children... but i was never allowed to. My nature made it to dangerous... one tantrum and i could have hurt alot of people. I even burned down the west wing once... over a silly ball ... "

She laughed nervously and let her eyes lock with Poppys and for maybe the first time. Poppy could see how vulnerable Blaze was, that fear of failure had a strong hold on her. Her need for perfection driving her to near madness. It was very hard for her to deal with it alone and only one she could ever speak to was sonic. That was growing harder as well as both of them had alot to deal with in there own worlds.

But Poppys words had a way of making her feel better. Rubbing her cheeks and nodding her head to Poppy she leaned up cupping Poppys cheek with her paw.

" I do want it...i want us ... i just fear i will mess everything up and hurt you... I don't want that... i just want you to be happy. Lilly to be happy... I will... work hard to make sure that dream of happiness finds you both... i promise you that "

Blaze embraced Poppy kissing her sweetly as she made her gentle affirmation. It might take alot of hard work---but just this once she wanted to find real love. To say she and poppy where truly in love and even if that took every fiber of her being she wanted to make that happen.

" I apologize... for losing myself for a moment... "

She cleared her throat and pulled herself back to her feet and helped poppy back to hers.

" I will speak to tails... and meet with you by lunch time if all goes well... if we are lucky perhaps you will see your home by evening. Though let's not get ahead of ourselves... "

She took a deep breath and hold Poppys hands once more donning that mask of cheerfulness she wore to make others feel at ease. She did not wish Poppy to know how close she was to breaking from all the pressure she was under.

" I trust you can find Gardon on your own? the guards will help... its best if i travel while outside, least i start a small fire..... and thank you... your words were. Inspiring..."

Ah geez, Poppy did it again. Just speaking her mind and not realizing how it could affect others. Maybe she should go to therapy like her mum suggested to learn how to watch what she says. "Blaze, I don't think you're a bad person. Even with the knowing you're past I don't think you were ever a bad person at all. Ya just never had anyone to help you... even out? I don't know if that's the right word." The opossum was bad at this.

"Heck, if it wasn't for my mum and pop, I'm pretty sure I'd have turned out way differently. Used to be quite the little terror. Fought them, argued with them, and even tried to run away. Though they stuck with me though it all. Help me sort my emotions out and become my own person. Even when I was doing stupid stuff." Poppy couldn't have asked for better parents honestly.

"Honestly, there ain't no way to tell what we have going on between us. It's just exploring it and see how things turn out. It could end up being perfect or go the other way and be a complete and utter disaster." Poppy wasn't one to sugarcoat things, and knew this could end rather horribly for all parties involved.

Poppy would then pull Blaze in close, looking down slightly to look into her eyes. "Though I'm still willing to do everything I can to make it the best possible outcome for both of us. Even if it gets tough or every noble in this world wants to throw hands, I'll tough it out." The opossum wasn't going to bail just because things got hard.

"If we both want this to be real love, then we'll just have to make sure it is, right?" Poppy was sure that line would be seen as a bit cheesy, though if they really wanted to be together then they had to put in the work. "Maybe it'll be hard, though what relationship doesn't involve a lot of work. We just keep marching forward and deal with the bad as it hits us."

[zinna1]

ANOTHER LOOK AT MENTAL HEALTH #1

Many times more than not I find the mental health system in the west looks at the conditions of the mind as if it were not a whole unit. The basis of modern mental health does not see the long list of conditions it can diagnose us with as "symptoms" of trauma. On the contrary it places trauma in its own category.

🧐I have an issue with this.🧐

What if we looked at the many health conditions one can be diagnosed with as results of trauma. A reaction to trauma.

Everyone is unique so wouldn't their response to trauma be unique as well? I think we have it backwards.

Schizophrenia, BPD, manic depression on and on and on, what if these too are trauma conditions?

Conditions that resulted as symptoms of trauma,

Conditions that are the minds way of saying. "something happened to us and we need to deal with it".

Or

the minds way of shielding us like in a cocoon to prevent further damage until help comes. 😶‍🌫️

What is the brain mission?

Besides the bodily functions of eating, drinking and keeping the heart pumping, the brain is constantly looking to ensure the survival of the body as whole. The mind included. Survival is the brains mission.

To complete this mission the brain depends on genetic information passed down generationaly(bloodliner or not) as well as current experiences and resources to make the best decision to survive.

Hence the reason for dissociation.

We dissociate to an amnesic level and split into parts because our brain has determined that the current host,ego, whichever u want to call it, hence person, is not able to mentally or physically deal with the current situation without dying mentally or physically. This is another reason why many of us experience out of body experiences, because that too is a coping mechanism. More natural to some then others.

You see how we are all unique? But yet the most popular tools at our disposal are generic and cookie cutter.

Our care should be unique. I'd be dillusional if I were to wait around for a whole system revamp on the mental health side.

We much search for our health. We are our own best health advocates. Sure find a good therapist if you can, but be careful not to fall into the hands of the wrong one.

Understand trauma, it's functions and mechanisms.

Look into

-Internal family structures

- structural dissociation

-signs if trauma in children.

And remember, don't get stuck into is it structural dissociation or not, is it IFS or not. But rather see what you can learn from each, try to see the bigger picture....

Our minds are computers,whether we are programed or not, traumatized or not. Our minds are the greatest computers ever made, we just don't know the full potential of it yet.

There's more I could say on this but I'm coming to a blockage. Ttyl.

[qqueenofhades]

Do you really hate this county? Or were you just ranting?

Sigh. I debated whether or not to answer this, since I usually keep the real-life/politics/depressing current events to a relative minimum on this blog, except when I really can't avoid ranting about it. But I have some things to get off my chest, it seems, and you did ask. So.

The thing is, any American with a single modicum of genuine historical consciousness knows that despite all the triumphalist mythology about Pulling Up By Our Bootstraps and the American Dream and etc, this country was founded and built on the massive and systematic exploitation and extermination of Black and Indigenous people. And now, when we are barely (400 years later!!!) getting to a point of acknowledging that in a widespread way, oh my god the screaming. I'm so sick of the American right wing I could spit for so many reasons, not least of which is the increasingly reductive and reactive attempts to put the genie back in the bottle and set up hysterical boogeymen about how Teaching Your Children Critical Race Theory is the end of all things. They have forfeited all pretense of being a real governing party; remember how their only platform at the 2020 RNC was "support whatever Trump says?" They have devolved to the point where the cruelty IS the point, to everyone who doesn't fit the nakedly white supremacist mold. They don't have anything to do aside from attempt to usher in actual, literal, dictionary-definition-of-fascism and sponsor armed revolts against the peaceful transfer of power.

That is fucking exhausting to be aware of all the time, especially with the knowledge that if we miss a single election cycle -- which is exceptionally easy to do with the way the Democratic electorate needs to be wooed and courted and herded like cats every single time, rather than just getting their asses to the polls and voting to keep Nazis out of office -- they will be right back in power again. If Manchin and Sinema don't get over their poseur pearl-clutching and either nuke the filibuster or carve out an exception for voting rights, the John Lewis Voting Rights Act is never going to get passed, no matter how many boilerplate appeals the Democratic leadership makes on Twitter. In which case, the 2022 midterms are going to give us Kevin McCarthy, Speaker of the House (I threw up in my mouth a little typing that) and right back to the Mitch McConnell Obstruction Power Hour in the Senate. The Online Left (TM) will then blame the Democrats for not doing more to stop them. These are, of course, the same people who refused to vote for Hillary Clinton out of precious moral purity reasons in 2016, handed the election to Trump, and now like to complain when the Trump-stacked Supreme Court reliably churns out terrible decisions. Gee, it's almost like elections have consequences!!

Aside from my exasperation with the death-cult right-wing fascists and the Online Left (TM), I am sick and tired of how forty years of "trickle-down" Reaganomics has created a world where billionaires can just fly to space for the fun of it, while the rest of America (and the world) is even more sick, poor, overheated, economically deprived, and unable to survive the biggest public health crisis in a century, even if half the elected leadership wasn't actively trying to sabotage it. Did you know that half of American workers can't even afford a one-bedroom apartment? Plus the obvious scandal that is race relations, health care, paid leave, the education system (or lack thereof), etc etc. I'm so tired of this America Is The Greatest Country in the World mindless jingoistic catchphrasing. We are an empire in the late stages of collapse and it's not going to be pretty for anyone. We have been poisoned on sociopathic-libertarian-selfishness-disguised-as-Freedom ideology for so long that that's all there is left. We have become a country of idiots who believe everything their idiot friends post on social media, but in a very real sense, it's not directly those individuals' fault. How could they, when they have been very deliberately cultivated into that mindset and stripped of critical thinking skills, to serve a noxious combination of money, power, and ideology?

I am tired of the fact that I have become so drained of empathy that when I see news about more people who refused to get the vaccine predictably dying of COVID, my reaction is "eh, whatever, they kind of deserved it." I KNOW that is not a good mindset to have, and I am doing my best to maintain my personal attempts to be kind to those I meet and to do my small part to make the world better. I know these are human beings who believed what they were told by people that they (for whatever reason) thought knew better than them, and that they are part of someone's family, they had loved ones, etc. But I just can't summon up the will to give a single damn about them (I'm keeping a bingo card of right-wing anti-vax radio hosts who die of COVID and every time it's like, "Alexa, play Another One Bites The Dust.") The course that the pandemic took in 21st-century America was not preordained or inevitable. It was (and continues to be) drastically mismanaged for cynical political reasons, and the legacy of the Former Guy continues to poison any attempts to bring it under control or convince people to get a goddamn vaccine. We now have over 100,000 patients hospitalized with COVID across the country -- more than last summer, when the vaccines weren't available.

I have been open about my fury about the devaluation of the humanities and other critical thinking skills, about the fact that as an academic in this field, my chances of getting a full-time job for which I have trained extensively and acquired a specialist PhD are... very low. I am tired of the fact that Americans have been encouraged to believe whatever bullshit they fucking please, regardless of whether it is remotely true, and told that any attempt to correct them is "anti-freedom." I am tired of how little the education system functions in a useful way at all -- not necessarily due to the fault of teachers, who have to work with what they're given, and who are basically heroes struggling stubbornly along in a profession that actively hates them, but because of relentless under-funding, political interference, and furious attempts, as discussed above, to keep white America safely in the dark about its actual history. I am tired of the fact that grade school education basically relies on passing the right standardized tests, the end. I am tired of the implication that the truth is too scary or "un-American" to handle. I am tired. Tired.

I know as well that "America" is not synonymous in all cases with "capitalist imperialist white-supremacist corporate death cult." This is still the most diverse country in the world. "America" is not just rich white middle-aged Republicans. "America" involves a ton of people of color, women, LGBTQ people, Muslims, Jews, Christians of good will (I have a whole other rant on how American Christianity as a whole has yielded all pretense of being any sort of a principled moral opposition), white allies, etc etc. all trying to make a better world. The blue, highly vaccinated, Biden-winning states and counties are leading the economic recovery and enacting all kinds of progressive-wishlist dream policies. We DID get rid of the Orange One via the electoral process and avert fascism at the ballot box, which is almost unheard-of, historically speaking. But because, as also discussed above, certain elements of the Democratic electorate need to fall in love with a candidate every single time or threaten to withhold their vote to punish the rest of the country for not being Progressive Enough, these gains are constantly fragile and at risk of being undone in the next electoral cycle. Yes, the existing system is a crock of shit. But it's what we've got right now, and the other alternative is open fascism, which we all got a terrifying taste of over the last four years. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to go back.

So... I don't know. I don't know if that stacks up to hate. I do hate almost everything about what this country currently is, structurally speaking, but I recognize that is not identical with the many people who still live here and are trying to do their best, including my friends, family, and myself. I am exhausted by the fact that as an older millennial, I am expected to survive multiple cataclysmic economic crashes, a planet that is literally boiling alive, a barely functional political system run on black cash, lies, and xenophobia, a total lack of critical thinking skills, renewed assaults on women/queer people/POC/etc, and somehow feel like I'm confident or prepared for the future. Not all these problems are only America's fault alone. The West as a whole bears huge responsibility for the current clusterfuck that the world is in, for many reasons, and so do some non-Western countries. But there is no denying that many of these problems have ultimate American roots. See how the ongoing fad for right-wing authoritarian strongmen around the world has them modeling themselves openly on Trump (like Brazil's lunatic president, Jair Bolsonaro, who talks all the time about how Trump is his political role model). See what's going on in Afghanistan right now. Etc. etc.

Anyway. I am very, very tired. There you have it.