#on the clock therapy journalling lol

[swankpalanquin]

small gender accomplishment today: went out in public near where i live wearing shorts for the first time in probably like ten years :D

[neverluckygoldfish]

27 -

Life creeps up on you - I’ve slipped back into it and have gotten a little disconnected from my greater She.

Too much worrying about the future & unknowns, caught up in trying to control it. True, there have been a ton of changes in the past few weeks and there are more still to come (hello big cross state move in two weeks!!).

I feel a little numb. Also I’m on welly b and let me tell you that the increase in anxiety is so REAL. I feel on edge and a sense of foreboding. I haven’t slept for more than 4-5 hours a night in weeks. And those hours are spent tossing and turning. I keep waking up in panic mode, having nightmares. But we just adjusted the dosage so hopefully things improve. They have to.

With that being said, I recently hit 60 days of sobriety. I barely even acknowledged it because we were busy flying back and had gotten some really awful news that day. In fact, I’ve felt more of a craving to drink. But I don’t want to start the clock over and that keeps me going.

I feel stressed. And I don’t know how to let it go. It’s just sitting in my chest, heavy and tight.

The hospital slammed me with a $35k bill for 3 days because that’s our healthcare system. Fuck, I don’t know how I’m going to manage that seeing as I’m unemployed and living off of savings. But I’m allowing the fear and stress to enter me and sitting with it. What will it show me?

Part of me feels like I’m going to implode. Like I’m teetering at the edge of a cliff.

I tend to focus on the negative - negativity bias, I think it’s called. I’m always searching for something to fix within myself, my life. And I’ve stopped prioritizing my mental wellness.

Once I get something down, I move on quickly to the next thing. Before I know it, I’m eating skittles for breakfast / not drinking water / feeling tightness in my chest / ignoring meals / pulling out my hair / unable to sleep all over again. I need to give these things time to form habits that will actually stick.

Blame ADHD and the dopamine rush lol

So a gentle reminder for me to pause, slow down, focus on the good because I have so much to be thankful for.

Gratitude list:

My rock, my life partner, my best friend - my husband. Our love is full of understanding, compassion, trust, laughter, kindness, honesty & affection. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Life dreams. We are moving to the PNW in two weeks! It’s really happening. I’ve dreamed of living there (maybe romanticized it a little lol and no, not because of twilight *rolls eyes*) my whole life and now I am doing it!

My body. It’s not as skinny as it was but that is a good thing. I have been waging war against it - filling it with poison, not supplying its essential needs, neglecting it. But it stays true to me and has not let me down health wise even through addiction. I have more energy these days and my thinking isn’t so cloudy.

Therapy. Having access to therapy & finding a good therapist is a privilege.

My mom. We don’t agree and she drives me nuts. But truly, she wants me to be happy and although overbearing at times, she protects me and anchors me.

Friends - I have some really good people in my life. I must not be so terrible as I think I am in my head if so many people love me LOL. But I have friends who have shown me grace and understanding as I try to navigate who I am now.

Recovery. I’ve been sober and am committed to staying sober. What a beautiful blessing and something I used to think was totally impossible.

Good food. Been cooking my own meals with loads of veggies and fruit - let me tell you that quality makes a difference. I firmly believe in a holistic approach to healing, not just taking a pill and calling it good.

Haven’t felt much of a desire to journal. Have spent way too much time trolling social media and it’s slowly having an impact. Pulling me back into the black, the space of self-loathing and hopelessness.

So I am making some changes. Going back to the basics. To be continued I suppose.

[wormstacheangel]

As we're approaching the end of the year, would you mind sharing what were your greatest fanfic read of 2020?

Sorry, this took me a while to answer. I only read a few on ao3 so I figured I’ll share all of them lol

Purgatory, director's cut  by runsinthefamily 

Not a chapter fic. Dean and Cas are stuck in purgatory. It’s not the journey we saw but something more exhilarating. The ending was unexpected and I loved it.

What Greater Gift by @chevrolangels

Not a chapter fic. Witch!Cas honestly I am down with anything witch!cas but this one also had a cute cat with a key around its neck. Whoever gets the key gets to marry Cas and Dean isn’t about to chase a cat. But the mutual pining and they are both so dense. Perfect.

The Silence of Souls by @thefandomsinhalor

TFW 2.0 are gonna save Mary but of course, things don’t go as planned. This involves TFW 2.0 coming face to face with Godstiel, MOC Dean, and Boyking Sam and that alone is exciting enough! Jack learning about his Dads darkest past was great. Also Godstiel + MOC Dean = serotonin 

After the End by @castielslostwings

This story picks up where “The End” leaves off, from Castiel’s perspective from inside the asylum, a twist of fate, and conditional divine intervention no one saw coming. It details what happens after Lucifer dies, Dean lives, and the world doesn’t actually stop turning. A canon-compliant “fix-it” fic for the Endverse and a Dean and Cas who deserved better. (had to take the summary from you cause I was fangirling for too long lol)

The Heroes' Journey (or, There and Back Again) by @friendofcarlotta

The Endverse crew (including Sam not possessed by Lucifer) find themselves in the bunker. They’re suspicious as hell but excited about the luxuries. Dean and Sam deal with Sam’s decision that leads to him saying yes. While TFW 2.0 find themselves at HunterCorp universe. The brothers are face to face with John again. And destiel feels all around!

Bullets Over the Bayou by @mattzerella_sticks

This was the first fic I read in three years! And it was a good one! I just read the summary again and the last few chapters flash through my head and I got excited again cause I did not see that coming wow ‘ Racing against the clock, can Dean and Castiel figure out what is so important about John Winchester’s journal that someone would kill for it?’

Any Semblance of Touch by @saltnhalo

1925, New York. No homophobia. And magic! Sign me up! 

Cas is psychometric who has sworn off magic while Dean is a Men of Letter who comes to ask Cas for help. And Dean is just a little too cute to say no to. Also, the city is in danger but it’s mostly cause Dean is cute. 

Hello Future by @notfunnydean

Not a chapter fic. Two Deans. And the one from the future is so damn soft and lovey towards Cas. Creating the present Dean to be jealous. Is there anything else you need to know? No. Go read it.

I like creature fics(if you don’t then you’re done reading the list. Thanks!) so here are the few I did read.

Sometimes You're the Sea by @nickelkeep

Not a chapter fic. Cecaelia!Castiel and human Dean.  When a freak storm overtakes the Lebanon, and Dean is knocked overboard, he's considered lost at sea. That is, until Dean wakes up onshore, with the bluest eyes he had ever seen watching over him. This was like the Little Mermaid but better. Obvs. 

Now the next few stories are all from @malmuses

The Care and Feeding of Castiel

Cas is molting and suffering in silence from being so uncomfortable. Dean wants to be there for his friend, especially when it is brought to his attention all the times he hasn’t been there for Cas. Also, Dean gets to see Cas’s wings!!

Love Bites 

Vampire!Dean. Mal has the best tag of Stranger to bats to lovers  ✨ Dean is a bat who was injured by Cas’s cat. Socially awkward Cas takes care of Dean(thinking he’s just a regular bat) and then it gets all cute. ‘ A silly story about families who aren’t quite what they seem, fake boyfriends, and falling in love with someone who’s never, technically, met you. ‘

and I’m currently reading 

A Fish Out of Water

Mermaid!Cas. Dean rescues Cas from a real bad gross place and slowly they start to get closer. Cas has trouble trusting humans because of what he has been through and Dean is nothing but patient. Wanting nothing more than for Cas to be comfortable around him. So Dean’s plan is to get Cas home and get him some therapy. I am in love with this fic! Can’t wait for the next update :)

Done. 

[neonponders]

I'm sorry your brain is feeling squished!

Question: what the most outlandish harringrove au/idea/ concept that crossed your mind, but you immediately dismissed because you were worried it was too 'extra/big/over the top'

🥺 😭 Thank you, Graaaaaves 💗

You know, for some reason, I tend to avoid super fantasy au's??? (so says the person in the middle of a werewolf/vampire/witch/merman fics 🙄) Like every time I see griffin/centaur/faun art of the boys I lose my mind, I love it so much. And I recently saw this pic of a pair of lions (it's not weird, it's just a picture of lions lol) and thought.........that's Harringrove. Shape shifters? Steve's hair is literally Kovu from Lion King 2...but I never go anywhere with these haha I think it's the notion of writing horse sex that scares me off LOL

BUT I got brave once and made a tiny drabble on zayacv's post here ~

Apart from these, I am ~ s l o w l y ~ but surely writing a soulmate fic where they can't see colors until they see their mate, AND they can see each other in dreams.

(more under the cut because I'm about to overshare lol)

Cue a LOT of angst because Steve forgets his dreams (like a normal person does lol) and forgets Billy's abuse, so Billy's pissed when they finally talk and he's like????????????? HELLO? You don't care???

They slowly work it out over the next several months, and finally arrange a proper date BUT Billy experiences the crash at the start of season 3, and actually knows about the Upside-Down so he runs fast and far away from Hawkins, standing Steve up, and leaving the team behind to deal with it. Steve knows he's alive because of the dreams but it's still terrifying to wonder if Billy disappeared because he's in that meat spider.

Then he and Jonathan move to NYC and for a while, it's good. Just the daily grind to pay rent and the rush of being outside of their small town. But Steve's growing more and more haunted by the dreams he shares with Billy, because Billy's off living his life and dating - like a normal person, sure, but it still feels like cheating and Steve DID get stood up. They know they're soul mates because they can see colors and Billy left.

He left Steve.

Steve falls into heavy depression, unable to hold a job, Jonathan and Nancy get engaged - rubbing salt into his wounds - he develops an eating disorder because he feels bad about eating the food Jonathan pays for, etc etc etc.

Eventually he reaches a breaking point and uses the credit card his mom pays for to land his ass in therapy. After a few sessions, the woman is like, "Okay. I'm giving you antidepressants and sleeping meds, but you need to really think about the latter because you won't have dreams of your other half anymore."

Steve just wants to stop hurting, so he takes them. And, god, he finally sleeps. The meds make him super groggy throughout the day, and he sleeps like the dead - alerting Jonathan and Nancy that something's wrong, but that's a tangent - but he's finally recovering.

This coincides with Robin getting him a job (because she's in the city too, duh) bartending at a Drag Queen club. Steve's super lost in this place lol he know's he's not straight because - again, Billy - but this whole big, vibrant world of queer culture is new and intimidating and Steve's just so so tired.

But the owner clocks his ability to see colors immediately, because he's visibly bothered by somebody's makeup job. "They're wearing green, unblended foundation but can't tell because it's all grey tones to them."

And when I say this is a club, it's a CLUB. Projected stage, the owner's partner works at a record label, like, the drag scene may be a bit underground, but they're not messing around. These Queens become Steve's fairy godmothers and get him back on his feet, demanding he take dance lessons to be a backup dancer on occasion "Because the people love you, Stevie baby, get your ass on stage."

My favorite point is when the owner tells Steve to go in the makeup room to get a particularly ornery Queen out of their mental crisis and get into costume. Steve discovers their breast plate and it's just NASTY. Covered in caked on makeup and he has his own mental snap of his own. He cleans the weird, silicone thing, and is shouting louder than the whiney Queen,

"THIS IS DISGUSTING! IF YOU CAN'T RESPECT BREASTS THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM AT ALL!"

The owners just love him. "Okay, Bisexual King, you better work."

Meanwhile....

Steve taking the meds to stop his dreams has also made Billy stop having his. And Billy freaks. He thinks Steve is dead, and begins a desperate scavenger hunt to find him.

There's a lot more to this lol like Steve's psychiatrist recommends journaling, and Steve writes a poem that wins a poetry contest, which lands him a big scholarship to an NYC college. So he's colleging by day, Drag Kinging by night. His mom shows up to ask what the hell is so expensive every month on the credit card, and Steve confronts her about her ability to see colors because, "You've worn that specific coral peach shade ever since I was a kid."

So then Momma Harrington is in the mix and the two of them get a place together in the city (probably with Robin too, so that they can have a nice, swanky place and the three of them split the rent). Momma H. also reveals that Steve had night terrors as a kid because he DID see Billy’s abuse. She had to take measures so that he would sleep well and whatever hypnosis they did helped Steve sleep back then.

Steve's writing ability enables him to meet a band, so he writes for the band, and it's an added siphon to get his feelings about Billy out.

It's a very intricate story, obviously lol and it involves a lot of poetry, which isn't my strong suit. But it's very mental health-heavy, so I have to be in a certain place to write for it.

*sigh* thanks for reading lol

[purplesurveys]

1257

Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?  Oh for sure. We had to watch It’s A Beautiful Life and I know I cried every single time I watched that movie, whether for school or on my own time.

What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?  I don’t really get this question. I feel like it would make more sense if it asked how early I’m willing to wake up in the morning...? Anyway, I don’t pay attention to the time I sleep at night. Sometimes I’ll pass out as early as midnight, and sometimes I’ll be up until 3; it doesn’t matter to me.

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?  I’m not into those in general.

What time of the year do you dislike the most?  The heat in April and May is just brutal and uncalled for. It gets so hot and disgustingly humid and most times the aircon can’t even do much to quell it.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?  Yeah, banana ketchup since that’s what we usually have a bottle of. Generally, I have banana ketchup with most of my breakfast dishes too.

What is your favorite color to wear? I don’t really have a favorite to wear those days mostly because I barely go out anyway and there’s been little need to update my closet.

Are you an overachiever?  Seems like the type of question you should be asking my parents, not me haha. Personally, though, I’m fairly proud of what I’ve accomplished.

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?  Maybe longer legs and smaller teeth, but I’m not exactly insecure about mine.

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry? Did you just raise the possibility of marrying a deer? Anyway...since I mentioned Two for the Road in the last survey, I’ll go with Mark from that movie. Seems like my type of partner. 

How long have you gone without shaving (girls- legs, armpits; boys- faces)?  With legs...around 2-3 weeks. Armpits, maybe about a week or so. Never more than a month for either.

What is the meanest thing you have ever said to someone else?  For the most part I’ve always been cautious of what I say; writing, on the other hand...I’ve written stuff on my diary wherein I let out all my frustrations against my mom. I know they were mean because she cried over them – but that also entailed snooping through my stuff, so I’ve never felt bad about it. I meant those things as I wrote them because it was my safe space, and she violated that. That’s on her.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?  I did, but I instantly realized it was bad so I stopped as soon as I began.

What is your favorite thing about your life?  How everything seems to have fallen in its place these days. There’s really little to complain about and I’m grateful for that.

Save all the animals that die during road kill or save 1 human from a fire?  Animals.

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?  No.

How many real bfs/gfs have you had?  One.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?  I did.

Name a comedy that you like. White Chicks. << I love this choice, let’s just go with this one lol.

Could you wait until marriage for sex?  Sure.

What’s the best Nirvana song?  I don’t listen to them. I know a couple of songs but I don’t like them enough to be my favorites.

What was the last thing that impressed you?  The new Butter remix with Megan Thee Stallion.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?  Years, years ago.

What nationality is your last name?  Spanish or Portuguese, I’m not super sure.

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?  I never dip my chips; I just have them as is.

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?  Idk...maybe one of my cousins from one of our family reunions last year. I don’t get to be around a lot of boys or guys.

Does your mom know you do surveys?  No. I’ve never had to raise it and I can’t see a situation where I would have to.

Have you ever had a serious injury?  Yeah, I got a big wound from when I went snorkeling around a decade ago. I wasn’t provided flippers so when I was kicking to stay afloat I managed to hit the coral reefs underneath repeatedly, which majorly scraped and gashed my left foot until it was an open, bleeding mess. It was infected for weeks and I’m surprised it didn’t leave any kind of mark or scar.

What was the last thing you achieved?  Handling a campaign for a major client successfully and getting good coverage and results for it.

Would you enjoy being famous?  Probably, but I wish I had some sort of talent or skill that would propel me to popularity in the first place hahaha.

What’s under your bed?  Some things I collected from past hobbies and interests, like all my old wrestling magazines.

Do you enjoy travelling?  Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?  I mean I joined an org in college, which technically makes me a member for life. I’m not name-dropping but it’s one of the two journalism organizations in my alma mater.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?  I can’t recall. I don’t drink strawberry milk.

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?  I never collected those.

Do you have a clock in your room?  Nope.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?  I honestly can’t remember. I only had like three sessions with different instructors for each, and the one instructor I remember having was extremely cranky and impatient.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?  Hold It Against Me is pretty fun.

Does mind over matter work for you?  Sure.

Are you paranoid?  Oh yeah. Overthinker is pretty much my middle name.

What is the best thing about winter?  I wouldn’t know but considering the things associated with it, I’ve always believed it would be my favorite season.

Have you ever been truly in love?  Hmm. I think so, yeah. I’d give myself that.

Are you currently planning a trip?  Nah. Nothing set in stone, but Angela, Reena, and I have been talking about flying to South Korea next year. We’ll see.

How many plants are in your home?  Several. My mom is a bit of a fan, but it’s nothing obsessive.

What is your favorite possession?  I treasure my BTS merch, I guess haha. Nobody is allowed to touch them or move them around without my permission. As often as my mom likes to barge in my room and touch my stuff, she seems to understand and doesn’t lay a finger on any of the merch either.

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?  Sure. But it's never really mattered to me; it just feels nice to be nice and do nice things for people. It does feel nice to be thanked, but I don’t necessarily do it for the recognition.

What movies have tripped you out?  I’m Thinking of Ending Things, Midsommar, Anomalisa, Under the Skin, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and The Killing of A Sacred Deer are a few of them.

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?  Yesssss, I even had a pair as a kid. I got into it because I loved to ice skate, but it turned out I wasn’t as good as gliding on the ground so I ultimately preferred ice skating. Anyway, no, I haven’t done rollerblading in years.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?  I did. I stayed because it’s where I felt safe and I didn’t know where else to go or what else to do outside of it.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?  Sure.

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?  Nope. I find them more distracting than anything else, and they actually keep me from sleeping.

What summertime treats do you love?  I don’t have any.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss? I am VERY picky. I have to be really interested in you. < Yeah, this sounds about right.

What do you hate most about moving?  The last time we moved was in 2008...and I don’t really remember disliking any part of it. I was actually excited for us to have a home all to ourselves after living with extended family in a cramped house all my life.

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?  Depends where. Sometimes it can be exciting, sometimes it can be inconvenient but you kinda do it out of desperation lol.

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?  No, I’m scared of how it would affect my body so I’ve never tried.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?  Countless random men.

Do you like scarves?  They can be comfy if I’m traveling somewhere cold...but I don’t really get to do that often, so.

Is your father homophobic?  I haven’t seen any signs from him. My mom is much more likely to exhibit internalized homophobia – she just did the other night.

Do you take gummy vitamins?  No, only when I was a teenager.

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?  I don’t think so, nothing I can recall.

Who would you like to meet before you die?  I don’t have any goal person in mind.

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it? Hmm, probably not. What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?  The Avril Lavigne doppelganger one is extremely hilarious and I read up so many thread about it on Twitter just so I can see how far people can stretch it.

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?  I don’t care.

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?  Either of my best friends.

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?  The weather.

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?  My mom.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?  Yeah the soundtracks are actually fucking great. The person who took this survey before me named Supermassive Black Hole by Muse, and that’s one of my favorites from all the soundtracks. The song Slow Life in New Moon is nice, too. How old was the first person you kissed?  She was 17, going on 18.

Will you be a strict parent one day?  I’d have some rules set but I wouldn’t suffocate my kids.

Last person to stand up for you?  Heck if I know. I can do that for myself.

Have you been to a baby shower?  No.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?  My ex.

What’s your favorite high school memory?  Hiding a same-sex relationship from my conservative, homophobic Catholic teachers.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?  I like being single these days.

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?  Trying out the Nevis Swing in New Zealand.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?  I saw no point in studying chemistry.

Italian food or Chinese food?  Chinese. I like Italian cuisine, but sometimes I find it a tad bit salty for my taste.

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?  Not flash cards but sometimes I’ll write my notes down in several index cards because for some reason I retain information better that way.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?  No.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?  No. I never saw the appeal of most of them, honestly.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.  Gabie.

What do you think about Marilyn Manson?  I have nothing to say about him tbh. 

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?  Nothing beyond getting into an argument with this kid in 2nd grade and getting sent to the counselor’s office for it.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?  I used to, until I handed it down to my sister...and until she let it smash onto the ground because she didn’t place it on her tripod properly when she was filming one time. I still don’t get why she’s so defensive about it; I wish she’d just admit she majorly fucked up on that. Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?  It makes me silently judge the parents more so than letting myself be bothered by a child.

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?  We’re not offered the chance to get yearbooks unless we’re in graduating years.

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?  No.

Jalapeños: yay or nay?  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY

Did you ever play Minecraft? No. I can’t care less.

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?  I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?  Me, sometimes. Hahahaha.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?  The way I was broken up with, like what the person who last took this said. I’m not tortured by it and her anymore, but I don’t think I deserved to intensely mull over about what I could have possibly done to be broken up with the way she did.

What type of person angers you the most? Abusive people that think only they matter and have no consideration for how their actions affect other people. < This pretty much hits the nail on the head on how my ex is, so I’ll just go ahead and agree.

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?  I’d get braces again and...that’s it, really.

What are your feelings on feminism?  I support it and I support how it advocates equality.

Describe your first relationship?  I’ve only had one relationship so I’ll just answer the following question.

Describe your last relationship?  Internally toxic; uhhh healthy at some points I guess, when she wasn’t being a selfish prick; a disaster towards the end.

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?  I honestly don’t know what constitutes ‘safe sex’ in a same-sex relationship, sooooo idk if I have.

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?  It’s a realistic take on love and I appreciate that it took its sweet time to highlight the ugly sides of love and marriage. Also, Audrey Hepburn taking her acting chops to the next level was just beautiful to watch. She was always a fantastic actress in all her movies, but I could tell her acting in Two for the Road had just a little bit more depth to it.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?  That I’m nice and approachable.

Do you feel protective over someone?  My friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?  Heat Rush.

Where did your vehicle come from?  My parents got it for me as a high school grad gift.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?  I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007, and back then I was designated as a flower girl lol. I’ve never been to a wedding where I was chosen to be a bridesmaid.

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?  CHICKEN SANDWICH. Also chicken wings.

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:  Oreo cheesecake topped with 24 macarons.

What do you wear to bed?  Something thin and airy.

What were you doing at 8pm last night?  I was watching Bon Voyage.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I’d definitely choose the couch over the floor. 

How many different colleges have you gone to? Two-- a community college and a UC. How much stress can you handle? It doesn’t take much at all before I get overwhelmed.

What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I like to listen to ASMR. 

How confident are you in achieving your dreams? Sigh. I’m a mess. I don’t even really have any dreams I want to achieve right now. I don’t have the motivation or the energy. I don’t have any confidence in myself. I really need to get my shit together.

What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t think I’d end up like this. I didn’t have a definite plan with what I wanted to do after college, but I can assure you this wasn’t it.

Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.

At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? I don’t know. :(

Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceiling? I did that as a kid sometimes.

Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It most definitely is.

Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It can certainly help. I think it could bring some happiness, like happy moments and things that bring joy, but it wouldn’t cure my depression and the other stuff I’m dealing with. It wouldn’t just go away. At the end of the day, I’d still be left with those things. The thoughts and feelings would still be there. Those feelings and thoughts hit me in the middle of doing something I like or if I’m having a good time now and I don’t see that changing if I became financially better off. 

Is shopping a form of therapy for you? No.

Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? I’m not currently taking anything for it.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Yes, of course. 

What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? I’m not a big snacker, but lately I have been into sourdough bread and spinach and artichoke dip.

Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah.

Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? It did for a little while.

Are you good at persuading? Uhh. Depends.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I’m not super into them for myself, but I think they can be cool.

Do you care what people think? Yes and no. Not as much as I used to. I wish it was because I’m now this happy and confident person, but no. 

How many dirty looks have you received today? None.

If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Uh, I’d be scared and freaked out to say the least and extremely confused. I honestly don’t know what I would do or say. I think it’d be a roller coaster of emotions. If it really were them then I’d be overwhelmed and cry and want to hug them and talk to them and omg I’d be a mess. It would feel so surreal. I’d also have a lot of questions.

Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I like to believe they give us little signs.

How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? Many times.

And your name is? Stephanie.

How do you like your coffee? With flavored creamer or cream and sugar.

Do you have a job? If so, what do you do? No.

If unemployed, what do you do to keep yourself busy? My days consist of rest, social media, TV, YouTube, Tumblr, reading, playing Animal Crossing, surveys, and spending time with family.

Top 3 favorite foods, go: Wingstop’s garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, ramen, and breakfast sandwiches.

What does the person who texted you last mean to you? My mom means everything to me.

How do you feel about polyamory? Not something I would be okay with.

When did you last have sex? Was it good? Never.

Which apps on your phone do you use the most? YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Kindle.

Do you go through phases when it comes to music genres, or are you pretty consistent in what you listen to? I’m consistent. 

Does death scare you? Yes.

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d have good health, mentally and physically.

Which family member do you get along with the most? My mom and brother..

Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yesss. 

Do you play video games? If so, what are some of your favorites? I’ve been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the past year.

How often do you eat fast food? Quite often.

Do you like sushi? Nooo.

Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No.

How often do you drink alcohol? I don’t. I haven’t drank going on 8 years now.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? These two girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool. I remember they came to my birthday party at Chuck E Cheese; that was fun. No, we lost touch after preschool. 

If you could see anyone in concert, living or dead, who would it be? I wish I could have seen Linkin Park with Chester. :(

If you were to get married, would you rather have a big extravagant wedding or a small private affair? Explain your answer. I don’t plan on getting married. I really just don’t see it in the cards for me.

Do you want kids? Why or why not? No.

How did you meet your newest friend? I don’t have any friends.

Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? Yeah, I watch Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2.

Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah, of course. I’m old.

Where is the boy you want most? There isn’t one.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? Right here.

How old is the last person you kissed? He just turned 30.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you? My brother.

Can you make yourself sneeze? No. Tilting my head back and looking at a bright light doesn’t seem to work for me.

What is your current mood? Blah.

What are you doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed besides yourself? I’m the only one.

Do you think you would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at this time, no.

Where were you at 9am this morning? I was in bed, asleep.

Whose bedroom were you in last? I’m in mine. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I don’t want to have kids.

Do you talk to the person you like everyday? I’m not interested in anyone right now.

Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I’ve never had a reason to delete them.

Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? Ehhhh.

Would you rather rent or buy movies? I like watching them through a streaming service.

What is the best part of your own body? Nothing.

Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? American Idol, I guess.

Do you like to take walks? No.

Have you ever gone anywhere for spring break? Yeah, my former best friend and I took a few small trips.

Do you worry a lot? Yeppp.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium dog.

Do you mind being cold? I much prefer it to being hot. I like wrapping up in a blanket or lounging around in a sweatshirt or drinking a warm drink.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any sports drinks.

Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? This is it.

What is your favorite candy? White chocolate.

Do you document everything in pictures? Not everything, but I do like taking pictures of things I want to remember and having those memories.

Have you ever waited for something for so long and then had it snatched from right underneath you when it seemed so close to grasp? Yes.

Choose one: being able to teleport yourself anywhere in the world at any given time or being able to fly? Teleport, hands down.

Do you feel more comfortable in public wearing jeans or sweatpants? I’m a leggings gal.

What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I take surveys. <<< Ha, true.

Do you fear growing older? Yes.

Have you ever been called a tease? Yes and I was like wtf? I wasn’t the one leading them on or playing with their emotions like they were. 

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see or hear it? Yeah, many things like that with different people.

Do you trust all of your friends? I don’t have any friends.

Does The X-Files theme song give you the goosebumps? It did when I was a kid.

Have you ever taken the batteries out of a Ferbie only to have it come alive in the middle of the night? Omg, that did happen once! Those things were freaky.

Don't you find those black cat clocks with the moving eyes and tail just a little creepy? lol yeah they kinda are.

When things get bad, are you more likely to blame yourself or somebody else? Myself. 

Are most of your friends' biological parents married or divorced? Do you remember those commercials that scared kids into not playing around railroad tracks? No?

Do you ever wish your life was a sitcom, just so all your problems could be solved in thirty minutes? That would be nice.

Have you ever noticed how different everybody's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bases are? I feel like it’s the same general idea.

Do you tend to set yourself up for disappointment? I’m always expecting the worst case scenarios, so.

Would you ever call a guy back and say, "Oh, sorry. I was taking a hot shower"? No.

Who do you get most of relationship advice from: guys or girls? I used to get it from both. Although, oddly, I was the one people came to for relationship more often and I had none.

Have you ever put your all into someone and got nothing back? Yes.

Do you think that you, personally, have been more shaped by experiences or by people? Experiences.

Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? Not to me, personally, but yes people do make fun of Christianity.

Have you ever put the television on mute and tried dubbing in new dialogue? No.

Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No.

If you were in an iPod commercial, what would you want your background color to be? They don’t make those commercials anymore, but rose gold.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I don't know.

Do you usually follow your head, instincts, or heart more? They all play a role, it just depends. I suppose my emotions do probably play a bigger role.

Where do you spend most of your waking time at home? In my room.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? It pops sometimes.

With just your life, are you more optimistic, realistic, or pessimistic? Definitely pessimistic.

Is it hard for you to ask for help? Yes.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids "the talk"? No. I don’t want to have kids.

Do you ever feel like you're missing out on something? Yeah, life.

Is your high school ANYTHING like the ones in the movies? My high school experience was nothing like that, but I feared it would be going in. Movies never paint high school in a good light.

Are you going to be totally screwed if pigs start flying tomorrow? I don’t recall ever really saying I’d do something if pigs fly or anything like that. I don’t think...

Have you ever finished taking a shower and realize that there are no dry towels? I always grab a towel beforehand.

Do you love listening to sad piano solos? Sometimes.

Was one of your grandpas in a war? My paternal grandpa was.

Did you ever actually try to find the end of a rainbow? As a kid, I’m sure.

Are you afraid of jinxing things? Sometimes. 

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? I did that as a kid.

If you were married, and your spouse's parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? I’m very close with my family so I would certainly understand and would want to do what we could to help. 

Have you screamed in a pillow before? For sure.

If a guy put his jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it or just look at him like he was crazy? lol aww I would be like you really didn’t have to do that now your jacket is all wet and dirty. We can just go around. I’m in a wheelchair, so that wouldn’t do much good anyway lol.

Would any of your friends dress up like a cow for a free chicken sandwich from Chikfila?

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Acoustic.

Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? Nope.

What do you notice more, somebody's eyes or smile? Smile.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? We did when I was little.

Have you ever put on a shirt that came straight out of the dryer? Yessss. I love that.

Sometimes, does it feel like your life isn't going anywhere? That’s exactly how I’ve felt these past few years.

You've reach a fork in the road, do you go left or right? Hm. Right.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? Not flat out ignore, but I become distant and short. I don’t initiate conversation with them.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed, definitely.

Have you ever gotten up early the next morning to do homework or study? Yes, but I usually just stayed up late and finished instead. I didn’t want to risk waking up late or running out of time and stressing about it.

Do you still consider Pluto a planet? I always still include it. 

Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? “And I’m at an all time low low low low low low low....”

When things go from bad to worse, have you ever been afraid of what kind of person you would be when it was all over? These past few years have made be become someone I absolutely do not want to be. :/

Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait? It can for some. Sometimes it seems like people are really just handed stuff with minimal to no effort, but generally speaking you have to work at it. I don’t think you can just sit around waiting, you have to get up and do it. And that’s something I need to do. I go on about how each year nothing changes and I’m worried about wasting away and doing nothing with my life, but I am doing anything to try and change that? Am I taking any steps? 

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? I’m always biting my lips. I pick at my nails constantly, but I don’t bite them.

Have you ever wanted to fast forward your life so you could see if it was worth it? Sometimes, but I’d be afraid to actually do that if given the chance.

Do you think that knowing when and how you're going to die would ruin your life? I really don’t want to know.

Did you ever feel bad for Tom and Sylvester? Jerry and Tweety did often tease and provoke. You can’t help but feel kinda bad for Tom and Sylvester sometimes. 

[eldritchsurveys]

436.

What is the most annoying thing about your life right now? and how can you change it? >> I can’t really think of anything except, like, being sensory-defensive, which I can’t change.

What was the flavor of the last smoothie you had? >> ---

Do you think you get enough protein? >> I probably do.

What is your favorite time of day to run? >> I don’t run.

How many 5ks have you ran? >> Exactly zero.

What is a current concern of yours right now? >> I don’t have any concerns.

What color shirt are you wearing? >> Black. I’m actually wearing a shirt for once, because it’s chilly tonight.

When was the last time you talked to your mom? >> ---

What's one unpopular opinion you have? >> I don’t have any sense of moral outrage about the existence of paedophiles and I strongly believe that the stigma should be lessened so that they can go to therapy without fearing the dire consequences of revealing their pathology.

What's a dream you've had since childhood that hasn't left you? >> ---

Do you parents crush your dreams? >> ---

What's a show you remember the very first episode of? >> Well, I mean, a lot of shows. I remember the very first episode of American Horror Story because I literally rewatched it yesterday.

Did you sleep in today? >> I don’t sleep in, I just sleep until I’m done sleeping.

Do you hate sleeping in? >> I hate sleeping too much, which usually happens when my sleep is interrupted and my internal clock is all thrown off.

How late do you consider too late to sleep in? >> I don’t like to still be sleeping past like 9a.

What is something of yours that is falling apart? >> I can’t think of anything.

Does your phone have a good camera on it? >> It’s serviceable.

How long have you had a smartphone? >> I’ve had this one for a year. I’ve been using smartphones in general for maybe 5.

How old were you when you got your first smartphone? >> Late 20s.

Do you have a crush on someone right now? >> No.

When was the last time you saw your crush? >> ---

If applicable, what is stopping you from pursuing your crush? >> ---

Did you ever regret letting someone go? >> No.

Who is someone you wish were still in your life? >> ---

When was your due date, and when were you born? >> I don’t know when my due date was. I was born on the 28th of May.

Do you want to have kids? >> Not particularly.

Do you keep lists of names that you like? >> No.

How long does it normally take for you to fill a journal? >> ... It’s weird how many of these questions were on the other survey I just took.

What are you behind on? >> Nothing.

Do you have a good doctor? >> I don’t have a doctor at all.

Do you like to sit on the floor? >> Sometimes, as long as I have back support.

What color is the toolbar at the top of your screen? >> Black.

What website do you usually check first when you get online? >> The first thing I check when I open my browser is the browser extension for my email accounts.

Have you ever butt-dialed someone? >> No.

Have you ever sent a text message to the wrong person by accident? >> No.

What is your favorite type of pizza? >> Veggie or pepperoni.

What is your favorite pizza place? >> Jet’s.

Do you enjoy eating at 50's diners? >> I mean, sure.

What are your favorite girls' names? >> ---

What are your favorite boys' names? >> ---

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? >> I haven’t thought about it.

What do you do to make money? >> I’m on a federal fixed income.

Name someone you know who has everything handed to them. >> I don’t know anyone like that.

Do you know anyone who is spoiled or stuck-up? >> No.

Do you believe life is fair? >> No, and I don’t need it to be.

Have you ever made a fan account on Instagram? >> No.

Have you ever bought a youtuber's merch? >> No.

Name three people you want to meet in Heaven. >> ---

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? >> I do not.

If so, do you believe you are going to Heaven? >> ---

What was the best time of your life? >> ---

Do you feel loved or appreciated for who you are? >> I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about anyone outworld, but I always feel that way about inworlders.

What could be the theme song of your life? >> ---

Don't you hate being all alone? (if applicable) >> Not at all.

Do you believe rich people are worth more than those who are poor? >> No.

When was the last time you read the Bible? >> It’s been a few years. I always forget I even own a copy of it.

Do you have any embarrassing health issues? >> No.

What are you longing for? >> Nothing.

Who do you wish you could talk to? >> ---

What was the name of the college you went to? >> I didn’t.

Were your college years the best years of your life? >> ---

Who was your first roommate? >> I don’t remember.

Who lived across the hall from you your first year of college? >> ---

What was your favorite food they served in the Dining Commons? >> ---

Do you consider the lunch ladies your friends? >> ---

Have you ever had a janitorial job? >> No. I’d have a meltdown a minute if I tried to work a job like that.

Have you ever worked in food service? >> Briefly.

What was your first job? >> In food service.

What year did you graduate high school? >> 2004.

What's something of yours that is missing right now? >> Nothing of mine is missing right now.

Do you lose or misplace things a lot? >> No.

Have you ever had a nasty rumor spread about you? >> Yeah.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin your reputation? >> I don’t think I’ve ever had a reputation.

What is your favorite flavor of frosting? >> ---

What is your favorite type of donut? >> Krispy Kreme glazed.

What is the name of your favorite bakery? >> ---

What is your current favorite Starbucks drink? >> ---

Have you ever been to the very first Starbucks in Seattle? >> No.

When was the last time you wrote someone a letter? >> ---

Do you write mostly in cursive or in print? >> Mostly print, because I usually only write longhand when I’m filling out a form or something like that.

Have you ever called a teacher "mom" by mistake? >> No.

Do you like the color of your eyes? >> Sure.

What color are your eyes? >> Dark brown.

What was the name of the street you grew up on (if you don't live there now)? >> Broadway. (Not that one, lol.)

What was the name of the first dorm you lived in? >> ---

What was the name of your first imaginary friend? >> The first inworlder that I can remember is a girl named Clodagh. I must have been about 6 or 7.

Does it still feel like summer where you live? >> Eh, some days. The temperature is kind of up and down.

What is today's date? >> 27 September.

Who's birthday is today? >> Beats me.

What do you usually get for your birthday? >> A daytrip to Chicago. Sometimes a whole weekend.

Who's birthday is coming up next? >> Sparrow’s.

What is the last thing that came in the mail for you from Amazon? >> A pair of shorts.

Do you have a Paypal account? >> Yeah.

Have you ever had a brand or company reach out to you on Instagram? >> No.

What is the last thing you purchased from Etsy? >> A perfume oil.

Do you sell on Etsy? >> No.

What is a childhood dream that hasn't stuck with you? >> ---

What is something you want to change about your life? >> I’m not looking to make any changes right now.

What is one thing you are looking forward to coming up? >> *shrug*

Have you decorated for fall yet? >> I don’t decorate for seasons.

Do you type fast? >> I do.

What color was your bedroom growing up? >> I don’t remember.

Who was your first favorite cartoon character? >> Johnny Bravo, maybe. I didn’t get to watch many cartoons, and in fact, that’s the only one I can remember watching.

Who is your favorite Disney princess? >> Moana.

Do you enjoy typing? >> Sure.

What bank do you use? >> Flagstar.

What grocery store do you shop at the most? >> Meijer.

What is your favorite fast food place? >> I don’t have one.

Do you get sauce on your pizza? >> Yeah.

Do you like hamburgers? >> Sure.

Do you like Coca Cola? >> No.

Do you like McDonald's french fries? >> Sometimes. Sometimes they’re not salty enough.

What color is your hair? >> Dark brown.

Did you get your hair color from your mom, your dad, or a grandparent? >> All of them, I guess.

What is your name (first and middle)? >> Mordred Shadow.

What are some other names your parents' considered when naming you? >> My parents did not name me.

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? >> ---

Do you prefer tea hot or cold? >> Hot.

What is the best fall drink? >> Apple cider or mulled wine.

Who was the last person you know who had a baby? And what was the baby's name? >> Sparrow’s sister, Liz. The baby’s name is Elliot.

If you had a boy and a girl, what would they be named? >> ---

Do you clean your room often? >> No, I don’t have to clean it that often.

Who taught you how to drive? >> No one. (I don’t drive.)

What color is your dresser? >> White.

Do you have a hope chest? >> No, but I had one as a child. 

Do you have a favorite aunt, and if so, who is it? >> ---

Who is your favorite cousin? >> ---

Do you look like your mom? >> ---

What does your middle name rhyme with? >> I don’t know, what does “shadow” rhyme with?

What does your first name mean? >> I don’t feel like copy-pasting that again.

Have you bought next year's calendar yet? >> I don’t buy calendars, although that Bananya... however that shit is spelled... one that I saw recently was tempting, lol.

What year did/will you turn 30? >> I turned 30 in 2017.

Have you found your first gray/white hair yet? >> Yeah, a few years ago.

Is your hair long or short? and which way do you like it best? >> Short. It hasn’t been long since childhood, so.

What's a food that you like, but it makes you feel sick? >> ---

Do you have a problem with needles? >> No.

Have you ever had to use an epi pen? If so, do you get a bruise when you use it? >> No.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulence? >> Yeah, both in the front and the back.

If applicable, what color are your glasses? >> ---

Do you like the name Addison? >> It’s fine.

Is there anything that you regret getting rid of? >> No.

What have you been saving up to by for a while? >> Nothing.

Does anything bother you about your past? >> I mean, sure, if I bother thinking about it.

Do you get bullied on facebook a lot? >> ---

Why do you think people bully others? >> That’s not something I have any insight about.

Have you ever stood up to a bully? >> No.

Do you post on youtube regularly, if you have a channel? >> ---

Which famous person do you think you could be friends with? >> I don’t know enough about any famous person to say.

If you could sit down and talk to anyone for an hour, who would it be? >> ---

Do you own striped tights? >> No.

Have you ever made your own Halloween costume out of clothes from ur closet? >> I mean, clothes from my closet is basically what I wear every Halloween, because I’ve never worn a costume.

Do you own any antique furniture? >> No.

What year were you born? >> 1987.

What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? >> That’s hard to say, I like a lot of them.

Do you set goals for yourself? >> No.

Which country has the coolest flag? >> I don’t know.

Do you like your country's flag? >> No, it’s not that aesthetically pleasing to me.

Which country do you live in? >> USA.

What is your heritage? >> Hm.

When was the last time you received a hug? >> I don’t remember.

Do you believe hugs are necessary for survival? >> If they are, I guess I should be dead.

Do you have anyone who hugs you regularly? >> No, because I prefer not to be hugged frequently (if at all).

Who gives the best hugs? >> I don’t know.

Would you rather have the bottom bunk or top bunk? >> Top.

Window seat or aisle seat? >> Window, always.

Have you ever thrown up on an airplane? >> No.

Have you ever seen anyone else throw up on an airplane? >> No. I’m tempted to believe that’s just a thing that happens in movies, but of course my experience isn’t like... comprehensive or anything.

Have you ever gotten sick in the car? >> No.

What color pen do you write with the most? >> Black.

Do you still wear clothes from the children's section? >> I wear children’s underwear.

What were your favorite stores when you were in high school? >> Hot Topic was one.

Do you watch Bethany Mota on youtube? >> No.

What color is your watch? >> ---

What color was the last pair of flip-flops you wore? >> Black.

What is your favorite season? >> Spring or autumn.

Were you born in your favorite season? >> Spring, yeah.

Have you eaten oatmeal lately? >> No, but now that summer is almost over I will probably start eating it again. (I don’t like eating heavy breakfast foods in warm weather.)

If you have bangs, do you cut them yourself? >> ---

What color was the last cup you drank out of? >> Yellow and white.

Do you enjoy graphic designing? >> I don’t know anymore, I haven’t done it in years.

Do you enjoy editing photos? >> Meh.

What is your favorite app on your phone? >> If we’re going by how often they’re used, Gems of War or CloudLibrary.

Do you answer your phone every time it rings? >> I never answer my phone.

Have you ever called the wrong number? >> Not that I can recall.

Do you usually pick Truth or Dare? >> I don’t play Truth or Dare.

Was your first kiss magical? >> ---

Do you like kissing? >> Not unless it’s inworld.

Who do you want to be best friends with? >> ---

Do you like to decoupage things? >> No.

Do you have a printer? >> Not anymore.

How many tabs are open on your browser right now? >> Two.

Which Internet browser do you use? >> Chrome.

Did you have a Myspace page back in the day? >> I sure did.

Do you miss Myspace bulletins? >> No.

Did you ever learn HTML? >> I used to be pretty proficient at it back when I was on MySpace and Vampirefreaks constantly. I do miss that about the first era of social media -- it encouraged learning how webpages worked so you could get stupid creative with yours. (And, of course, people that used to make Geocities and Angelfire sites had a leg up on all of us late bloomers, lmao.)

Have you ever wanted to start a business? >> Not seriously.

[rewritingthestars]

Haunting of hillhouse au for andriel???

A/N: I fcking love hill house so this got very fair away from me lol I’ll probably make a full length fic out of this so enjoy!

Neil heaves the last box up the front pouch, setting it heavily in the front hallway of the mansion along with several other large boxes and suitcases. The floors are dusty and the wallpaper is peeled around the edges. The grand stairwell has a broken step and sits under a chandelier that looks like it’s hanging by a thread. The rooms on either side are just visible enough to see the shambles of a house left to decay.

A hand comes to rest on his hip and Neil leans into the familiar embrace as a voice behind him says “It’s a dump.”

Neil smiles and places his hand over Andrew’s.

“It’s perfect.” Neil corrects, and Andrew snorts, wrapping his other arm around Neil.

“Yeah, well, you’re delusional.”

Neil turns to look at him and smirks, “And yet you still married me.”

Andrew opens his mouth to reply when a crash echoes through the walls, followed by a spurt of loud cries. Neil sighs, and rest his head on Andrew’s shoulder. “We should probably see what that was, huh?”

Andrew sighs with him and squeeze Neil before letting go. “Come on, let’s see what those little shits broke.”

“Ten bucks it was Sasha.” Neil says as they walk through the accompanying doors.

Andrew gives him a dry look, “Like I would take that bet.”

—-

Andrew finds it late at night scrolling through ads, like he usually does. Must of the houses they pick to flip are due to Andrew’s habit of insomnia and inability to relax, according to his Neil. It’s called the Raven House,  a mansion of forty rooms, 45,000 square feet, and a price a third of its actual value. Neil thought it was a scam when Andrew first showed it to him but after a few phone calls and a viewing of the property, Neil was right there next to him when he signed.

Despite how quickly Andrew picked the house and how quickly they had purchased it, however, Neil can’t shake a feeling of.. Unease.

The first time Andrew showed Neil the picture Neil said no without knowing any of the details. The word came out without his volition, a primal sense of fear pushing its way to the surface before common sense could give way. It felt stupid after the fact, and felt stupid still, until they saw the house for the first time, and Neil’s gut gave way, the feeling back.

The Raven House. Forty rooms on 45,000 square feet of land. A fortune. A steal. Neil feels his breathing halt when he enters the entrance hall and time stills in between the doorway. As they look through the bedrooms and the guest rooms and the rooms that no longer have titles, Neil feels the eyes of the broken mirrors that are scattered around the place. In a moment of solitude given by Andrew’s desire to see the library and Neil’s sudden desire to stay the hell away from the library, Neil finds himself alone in the kitchen, making notes in his journal on color design and ideas for an updated kitchen spread. A thud. A bang. A knock.

A knock. Three times. Coming from an old, riggity dumbwaiter. Neil stares at it as the knocking increases in frequency, the nearby dishes and stove ware clatter and shake. It’s half past two in the afternoon but the light of day seems to already have faded into dusk. Neil slowly sets his journal on the counter and moves towards the dumbwaiter. The knocking is now so loud Neil can feel the vibrations in his skull, the pounding pushing fear through his bones as he shakingly reaches out to open the gate-

–

“So what changed your mind?” Andrew says later that day, on the drive back home.

“Hm?” Neil says, turning away from the window he’d been mindlessly staring out of.

Andrew  sends him a look. “You fucking hated that house when we got there and then by the end of it you’re practically forcing my hand to sign. So, what changed?”

Neil shrugs, a small smile pushing the corners of his lips up, “It grew on me.”

—-

“Dad! Leo hid my sketchbook again!” Sasha shouts, red locks curling at her shoulders, her fingers curling into claws.

“No I didn’t!” Leo shouts back, shoving his slightly large glasses up his nose.

“You did too, you liar! I found it yesterday under your bed, and the day before it was in your closet! You took it, just admit it and tell where you put it you brat!” Sasha grabs Leo by the shoulders looking as if she’s going to punch him when Andrew picks her up by her armpits and swings her out of reach.

“Hey, Hey!” Andrew yells over Sasha’s complaints. “You do not hit your brother you hear me? Whether he took your stuff or not.”

Sasha kicks her feet at air and continues to struggle while Leo starts to cry, “But-”

“Ok, what’s going on here?” Neil says as he walks into the kitchen, sleep still in his eyes.

“Tell Leo to give me my sketchbook back!” Sasha yells from Andrew’s arms, still wiggling fiercely.

“I didn’t take it, I didn’t!”

Neil rubs his hand over his face and pulls a sobbing Leo to his chest. “Hey, it’s alright bud, you’re ok.” Neil hugs his son and rubs his back while sharing a helpless look with Andrew. “Sasha, please stop trying to kick your dad in the balls, he needs those.” Andrew glares at Neil but Sasha stops her kicking to make a gagging sound, which is at the least progress.

“Now can you two calm down enough to talk this out or do we need to schedule a cuddle pile?”

Both kids groan out simultaneous no’s and Neil grins at their exaggerated horror. “Is that a yes to the cuddle pile?”

The kids groan louder no’s with slowly growing smiles and Neil tickles Leo’s side to make it a full out giggle. “Are you sure? This seems like a cuddle pile situation here, don’t you agree ‘Drew?”

“Definitely a cuddle pile situation,” He says with a straight face, which causes laughing screams of no’s throughout the kitchen.

—-

“What are you doing.” Andrew says with a raised eyebrow as Neil crutches low under Sasha’s bed with a flashlight in hand.

“Trying to find Sasha’s sketchbook. Help me?” Neil mumbles into the carpet.

Andrew sighs and crouches down with him, looking under the small room of space. “You know we should look-”

“No.”

“Neil, come on-”

“He said he didn’t do it, Andrew.”

“He’s said that before, right after we found it under his bed.”

Neil gets up with a frustrated sound and scratches at the back of his head. “He’s never lied to us before this, why start now?”

Andrew sighs and pulls Neil close, letting Neil rest on his shoulder. “We just moved, Neil, it takes some adjustment, takes some time. We of all people should know what constantly moving around does to kids.”

Neil snorts into Andrew’s shoulder and looks up at him through his eyelashes. “We’re gonna have to confront him, huh?”

“Yep.”

“He’s going to cry.”“Probably.”

Neil groans, “Why’d I let you convince me to be a parent? This sucks.”

Andrew kisses the top of his head and rests his hand on Neil’s neck, “Because you’re good at it.”

–

“Well Leo, if I didn’t move it, and dad didn’t move it, then who moved it? There’s only four people in this house son.” Andrew tries to reason with their crying son.

“B-but they’re aren’t!”

“Aren’t what, hunny?” Neil asks.

“Aren’t only four people here!” Leo shouts, and for the first time since they moved in Neil feels a sliver of terror run through his blood before he can shake it off.

“Who else is here then?” Andrew asks.

“The one-eyed man!”

“The one from your dreams?” Neil says.

“He’s not a dream! I saw him, I really saw him! I’m not lying, he’s real! He has one eye a-and holes in his face, and he wants to bother Sasha!”

Neil stays silent as Andrew’s face becomes increasingly bothered. “And why would the one-eyed man want to bother your sister?”

“Because he used to have a sister too, and he misses her.”

—-

“I don’t know ‘Drew.”

“We need to at least consider it Neil.”

“He’s fucking eight, he shouldn’t have to see someone when he’s fucking eight!”

“Hey,” Andrew says pulling Neil closer by his arm, “These dreams are getting out of hand. A therapist could help him. That’s all I want, for him to get whatever help he needs.”

“I know it’s just-” Neil let’s out a frustrated noise, “You know how I feel about therapists.”

“I’m aware.” Andrew says flatly. “But your one bad experience shouldn’t dictate whether Leo gets therapy or not.”

“I know, I-” Neil sighs, “You’re right, you’re always fucking right.”

Andrew smirks, “Oh, what was that?”

Neil rolls his eyes, “Don’t be an asshole.”

“Sorry couldn’t hear you over how smart I am.”

“I take it back, you’re the worst.” Neil says and pulls away, walking away from Andrew’s laughter and only smiling when he’s out of sight.

—-

Neil wakes up with a gasp, a memory of dream faded in the blankness of his mind. The clock ticks past three in the morning and Neil groans, rolling over to find Andrew sound asleep.

It’s usually Andrew who makes past midnight detours but every once in a while Neil’s body tries to one up his husband’s insomnia by keeping him awake past one.

Neil sighs and tries not to make too much noise when he rolls over once more, only to freeze at the light streaming through the bedroom door.

Neil always turns off the lights. He and Andrew have always been light sleepers and sometimes the flicker of fluorescents is enough to rise one of them. Assuming it was one of the kids, Neil slowly rises out of bed and out of the room to find the source, only to stop dead in his tracks when he opens the door.

Music bubbles up and into his ears, a jazzy tune that rings throughout the halls, laughter and voices weaving up the walls. Neil turns around, but the bedroom is gone, replaced with a kitchen, the kitchen, the one that should be downstairs but isn’t. The one that should be in tatters but isn’t.

The wallpaper doesn’t even have a crease in it, and the area is packed of people in uniforms as they flit around the room with silverware and appetizers. Neil dizzily turns back around to a ballroom full of people, all dressed up in gowns and tuxs.

“I’m dreaming.” Neil says dazedly. “I must be.”

“But doesn’t it just feel so real, darling?” A man says from behind him in Japanese, which is strange since Neil doesn’t even know Japanese, and Neil spins around once more. A wealthy looking man in a red and black suit sizes Neil up and shakes his head. “You’re underdressed, love.”

Neil looks down at his pajamas, which consists of Andrew’s sweatshirt and his boxers, and gives the man a flat look in return.

The man just laughs, and as he does the room stops, people still and music fades, only the man remaining mobile.

Dread fills Neil’s stomach, the same dread from the first time seeing Raven House, but then the man touches his wrist and the fear is replaced with dizzying confusion.

The man snaps his fingers and the party restarts. He grins. “Perfect”

Neil looks down to find he’s no longer wearing his pajamas, but an old fashioned gown most likely styled for a woman, and questions his dream’s choice in clothing.

The man bends down and take Neil’s hand, the room disappearing in layers of red as the man kisses Neil’s knuckles.

“Moriyama Ichirou, a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.” The man says, just before his eyes become black.

[missyrage]

I felt encouraged to open this up again after seeing a friend who's also in her soul be open to restarting hers. I saw the freedom she felt with it and it reminded me of when I used to write for the fuck of it.

lol actually I'm literally a professional writer now and filmmaker, and it's been so exhausting. I was reminded I started this 10 yrs ago anonymously and how freeing it is. So I'm turning this space - for however long I feel like writing into an open journal. All anonymous or abbreviated names like I used to cuz lord...so weird, now I'm actually growing in the public eye little by little.

It's so crazy to read 10 years ago I was just starting out in my acting journey and auditioning for MFA programs and getting into NONE that first year, and the 2nd year I got into a well-known grad school. Lemme kiki with you right now and catch up on the last 10 years in light speed.

I also appreciate one of my last posts of me as a 23 yrs old...I'm 33 yrs old now, standing up to my mom over some bullshit about "being too old" and not finding a man. I see where the ticking clock came in of "30 is old". I'm 33, single, and fabulous. and NOW I feel ready to "settle down". And because I've done so much healing and therapy I feel very confident in myself and understand that it's a number's game to find the right life partner, I'm clear on the qualities I want, and I'm a lot more clear on my own needs and boundaries. Lastly - I trust the universe above all else to send me the right soul partner.

OK last I left off I said I was about my career, and I still am...and it's fucking paying off. Lemme tell you!!! I did get into an awesome grad school, tho it was white AF. I thoroughly learned the racist side of the acting world/industry and had an inkling even 10 years ago that I was gonna have to write Asian American roles for myself and for others to create the change that I want to see. After I got my MFA in acting, my audition levels grew pretty high, like I was auditioning for small roles on TV, lead roles in a Disney movie, and for The Farewell. I literally cried after I auditioned for The Farewell because the person who went in before me was someone who's acting career I wanted when I was in grad school and I was being equally considered for the same role as her...wild. But also I knew that because I didn't have TV or more prominent credits they would never hand over a lead role like that to an "unknown" especially because it's an Asian American story and they need an ace in the hole to sell the movie...politics.

That was 2017 - I started writing a comedy series about my childhood BFFs and my ex-bf. I was still grieving over our relationship and this series became an outlet for me to express myself, write a role for myself, and create acting opportunities for other AsAms in a way that's...more blunt. Mad urban basically.

I knew in my heart I wanted to shoot the pilot, so I did in 2018 - omg it was such a difficult and learning process from funding, casting, pre-production, location scouting, being on set, production designer, acting, post-production, festivals, press, social media, marketing - EVERYTHING. It was also exhausting. So that went thru the festival route and I got a good amount of podcasts and had articles written about it. I also won Best TV Pilot Comedy at a festival in LA in 2019 so a few of the cast & crew flew out. At the time I originally bought a one-way ticket because I had just got laid off, I'd been thinking about moving out to LA, and then a week later I won a pitch competition for one of my other work...a film that shall not be named right now cuz I'm actually filming the short film version. I ended up coming back to NY cuz I took that pitch competition win as a sign to go all-in on my writing projects for at least 6 months and see how it goes before I really need to apply for jobs again. Those 6 months turned into 2 years - mainly cuz of COVID, and UI held me over until now.

Anyways - so that pilot, Q (not the real title) - my team and I wanted to continue on with it so we crowdfunded the 2nd episode in 2019, shot it, and then because of COVID - we premiered virtually in 2020 and had it live on Amazon Prime. Funny enough, I got a grant this year, #CityArtistCorps to screen it to help resuscitate the arts because of the pandemic. AND so weird timing, but my ex-bf that I wrote about (in an extreme joking manner) after 5 yrs actually contacted me this year. So as we screened it last month, and me watching this version of my ex, and it happened to be on his bday, I was deeply thinking of him. Mindfuck.

So back in 2015 - me and this same ex broke up that summer. My dad took me out to dimsum and told me about how my parents met, and it was "fate" to him, plus they're immigrants from opposite backgrounds, and the love story was stuck in my head for a long time and I knew I wanted to write about it. In 2016, on a whim, I applied to the Sundance Screenwriters Lab and got into the 2nd round. I deadass thought they made a mistake and had serious imposter syndrome esp. because I had 0 background in writing. I was supposed to have the full feature written already, but I didn't and only had 2 weeks to haul ass. I had my friend edit along the way, and I submitted what I had. I'm sure it wasn't very good. But I stuck with it, in 2017 (?) I dug deeper and interviewed my dad and his old restaurant buddies to get a sense of the 80's, why they came to the States, and what was their experience like here working in the restaurants. I did a LOT of research on that life and interviewed my mom too - and this was the film that I won the pitch competition for...69 Bayard was the original title. OK 2020 - 69 Bayard gets into the 2nd round for Sundance screenwriters lab, again (renamed) and the NEFL, and got a grant. 2021 - I ended up getting ANOTHER grant, but this time to shoot the short film version...wtf. I applied on a whim before I moved to LA...yes finally in 2021, and I got it. So all summer I'd been in development gathering my team, launched a crowdfund (which we raised even more than I did for my series - insane), and now in pre-production. We're shooting in a few weeks and then post-production, with a public presentation by next June.

I've had 2 other projects that went to the 2nd round for Sundance Episodic Labs and one of those scripts landed me my management team...and a really top Hollywood management company with 2 POC reps. WTF?!?! That's a dream, honestly. Because of the work I did for my series, Q - it got me into another fellowship which is wrapping up now and I'll continue on with the next level of it, and thru there opened doors to meeting SO MANY FUCKING AMAZING talented AF POC writers/directors, and industry people. I live in LA now and honestly, it feels like my life blasted open to higher potential.

I'm literally a hair away now from getting staffed on a show and/or getting one of my projects developed into a series. Hell - I'm directing my first film - wtf is life right now!?

But anyways - not everything is roses of course, but to see in hindsight remnants of my 23 yr old self is so interesting. What I'd say to her - now that my career's shifted even wider, I've grown more in my heart and spiritual...trust the process and always give your best effort. That's it.

[auguselcouth]

september 21, 2020

unwritten - natasha bedingfield, 12:29 am 

FUCK LITERAL NA UNWRITTEN HAHAHAHAHAHAH kasi!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rambled for abt 30 mins already pero!!! walang napala kasi may nagawa akong katangahan huhuhuhu 

pero ayun, ewan, i;ve been putting off blogging dati pa kasi feel ko never ako magiging consistent :((( which is true!! pero enough with that aaaaa i’m learning and growing and loving parts of myself that I never loved before, i’m exploring this new version of pat that’s willing to go past and beyond what i’ve ever been (kudos to 6 months of consistently working out, it really did wonders for my mental health - which is my top priority after all, i hope I never lose sight of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 

kaya siguro a part of me wanted to erase that first draft (pero i’m still bumbed that it was erased kasi dami nang thoughts GRRRRRRRRRRRR) kasi it was getting sadder, and a part of me siguro didn’t want to leave that sadness here, so ayun, ang daldal ko HAHAHAHA i felt like i talked for 30 mins tas naerase lang, ayun, i;m gonna start wrting again! and treating this as my online diary

inconsistent man or hindi, i;m not the kind of person kasi na tends to write in journals, feel ko sobrang helpful nito - like a way of therapy since these are days that i don’t feel like talking to anyone. 

I realized na I tend to overshare a lot!! to anyone!! and that annoyed the heck out of me, ngayon ko lang narealize na I give myself away too easily, kaya mabilis ako maubos :( and now I want to keep things to myself 

siguro isa sa mga reasons ko kaya i overshare is to have someone like me!! pero now aaaaa bahala na lol, i know i am worthy of love (minsan tOO much knowing HAHA, i;m full of myself smh) and that someone will know me if they genuinely wanted me, so ayun kaya pamysterious na muna 

Feel ko rin kasi yung way nang pagkeep ng things too myself is mainly because feel ko nauubos na ako :( Kaya ang refreshing sa feeling aaaaaa, ewan I feel happy naman, di ko na viniview yung sarili ko na sad and lonely (altho minsan yes), now I feel like i’m really strong and independent  - like iba na yung view ko sa life

Before kasi, I tend to daydream a lot, most esp abt having someone aka a boyfriend!! I remembered asking every new year, as the clock strikes 12, “ngayong year na kaya ako magkakaboyfriend?” and now na DI PA RIN AKO NAGKAKABOYFRIEND dkjkfjkkjdkfjkfj sawa na ako LORD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA magwish nang magwish, maghintay nang maghintay, ipause yung mga gusto kong gawin na ibang bagay kasi i still have no one to share them with

Feel ko talaga I put my life in pause, in some ways, until I get a boyfriend. Thoughts like: “Siguro kung may jowa ako this and that”, “mas masaya siguro ako kung may jowa ako”, “panget ba ako kaya wala akong jowa?” etc etc and I GOT SICK OF THAT!!! that wasn’t healthy. 

I know I am capable and worthy of love, pero for now, self love muna talaga!!! I want to be so good to myself, love myself better, be confident, sexy, admirable, and more!! I want to go beyond my comfort zone, I want to continue uplifting and uplifting myself. 

I really want to love myself until I finally feel at home. 

And for now, that’s what I’m willing to do :). 

I love you, me. More thoughts tomorrow maybe?? acads pat is back again and really motivated for ba 115 :) bawi tayo!! and it’s okay to make mistakes and ask for help HMPPPPPPP 

i’m not going to even proof read this kdjkdjkj proof-reading is a social construct (pero actually, lahat naman jsjjfhkdjj) Spend your time wisely hehe 

Love you, stay safe and healthy! I am so so so proud of you. 

[solarwonux]

You know what fuck it…I told myself I wouldn’t bottle things in anymore so I won’t.

Also no one has to read this I usually just go off in my journal but I have family over bc of the holidays and I can’t just lock myself in a room lol.

THIS IS REALLY LONG IM SORRY BUT I NEEDED TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST.

I don’t have a lot of friends, I mean like I do but really really really really close friends I have like 2 or 3. This story involves 2 people, more one but like 2 cause it was always us 3 together. Anyway, their names are Nina and Lily. (These are fake names btw) But back in April Lily started therapy which Nina and I were so happy about it because it’s something we’ve been telling her to do. Like seek professional help bc at some point Nina and I can’t really do much regarding her problems. Don’t get me wrong we always listened to her when she needed someone to listen or to talk to and we always gave her suggestions on things she could do. We always always always encouraged her and tried to motivate her. Whatever point is we never pushed her aside because again we love and care about. Even now that I’m hurting I wouldn’t be so angry or hurt because I didn’t care about her. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, Nina and I thought that once we graduated, things would ease up a little with Lily. Cause realistically Lily had way to much on her plate. Even though we told her things like going to sleep early would her with her time management, skills she never listened. So eventually we just stopped telling her things. A week before graduation both Lily and I were in the library at our university. I was finishing up a final project and she was trying to catch up on all the missing work she had for one of her classes. That night she texted in our group chat and was like letting things that were bothering her off her chest. Nina was spending time with her boyfriend who moved 3 hours away from us. So I was the only one responding to Lily and then Lily said something but I didn’t know how to respond so I just left it at that. The next message that came in was Nina saying that Pho prices at the local Pho place we frequently visited had increased.

Then the next day I texted Lily and was like “how are you are you feeling better?” No answer she read the message and then didn’t answer it so I left it that but then bro I swear my intuition is always on another level because I immediately clocked what was happening. Lily was ignoring us. So that night Nina and I got onto discord, we usually do this to keep each other company when doing work and catching up and I was like “hey I think Lily is ignoring us” and then it only made it more obvious that she was ignoring us because she would be active on Twitter. And like ranting and just deflecting, pretending that things were okay when Nina and I both knew they weren’t.

This went on for a week. The day before graduation she texts us and was like “hey I’m back I just felt like no one cared about me and that I was in a really dark place” and I was like “girl if I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t have asked how you were. If Nina and I didn’t care about you we wouldn’t be here for you etc etc.” and she is as like “yeah I know but it just didn’t feel good when the next message that came in was about pho prices” so I apologized and told her I honestly didn’t respond bc I didn’t know what to say, but I know I should’ve even said like an “it’s okay” so she knew that I was listening and Nina apologized bc she hadn’t read the previous messages.

So we were like okay everything is Gucci now we had the painfully awkward and uncomfortable conversation things are good now. Oh boy we were wrong. She spoke to us all day on graduation day and then the next day she was meant to go to Georgia to spend time with her sister and her husband so she did that. She stopped talking to us and ignoring us and now Nina and I were like “okay wtf I thought everything was good” but again she was back on Twitter ranting and shit. This time though Nina and I just decided to let things happen. Like we know Lily is going through a lot. So we were like “okay whatever she’s going through doesn’t have to do with us” WHICH IT DOESN’T IM ONLY ANGRY BC I WILL GET INTO THAT LATER.

So she stays up to 3 weeks in Georgia and we had planned out to celebrate her birthday when she comes back, like we even bought her birthday gifts and shit. She came back nothing or she would occasionally answer after 3 days or so and then disappear again. So Nina and I had to take the initiative and b like “hey we want to take you out to celebrate your birthday we have your graduation and birthday gifts too.” Didn’t answer us for like 2 days and when she did she was like “okay” so we planned it out, mind you she wasn’t answering us while we were planing this out so when the day came both Nina and I were like “Um is she going to show up” thank god she did because I really wouldn’t have held back. Rn it’s taking a lot for me to hold back tbh.

I’d say the dinner wasn’t awkward. We could tell that her depression was really really at an all time high. On top of that she had started birth control. But what kind of bothered both Nina and I was that she was talking to this girl she met on hinge more than us. And it didn’t feel good especially when we found out that she didn’t like talking to her so we were like ????? Okay. We had planned to talk to her about what was bothering us that day, but Lily seemed to be in such a hurry to just go home bc she forgot her birth control that we were like “okay” and that just felt weird because before when all 3 of us were hanging out it was imposible to get us to go home.

God I feel so childish ranting about this. Anyway the communication didn’t get any better. She deleted her Twitter, removed us from her Twitter. Took us of her close friends list on Instagram and even took off the option to comment on her stories. Again it felt like we were pulling at teeth trying to get her to talk to us. When she would it was always minimal or if she needed to rant about something. And then would leave us read when we tried to keep the convo going. The last time she talked to us was last week when she got her nose pierced. Lol all 3 of us have matching nose piercings. And Monday when she messier out gc on Instagram about a penis shaped purse. That’s all. Monday was also the day Nina texted in the gc and was like “hey I still have herbal cigarettes we bought are you guys still down or do you want your $3 back” I answered that I was still down, Lily didn’t answer and it turns out that she hadn’t been on WhatsApp since Thursday. So my only guess is she deleted the app from her phone or turned off her notifications.

But for like a week now she was ranting on her Instagram stories about stupid shit. Kind of what she would do with her Twitter. And of course Nina and I didn’t respond. Why should we??? Idk should we have? Whatever moving on. She then went awol again. BUT TODAY. I was clearing out my dms on Twitter and saw that she had reactivated her Twitter acc again. And was like “on here again bc everyone’s tired of my Instagram story accs”

Lily says she isn’t bothered anymore about but I know her and I know she’s equally as furious as I am. Because this might just be fucking childish but we care about Lily so much. We’ve been friends for nearly 6 years. And Lily when she Ian confronted by something she chooses to ignore it. This happened with her other friend group which idk if she still speaks too, bc last time I checked she was just ignoring them. She runs away from all her problems, which time and time again Nina and I have told her that she shouldn’t because it’s not a healthy way to fix problems. On top of that her communication is shit. We obviously want her to get better. And we know that what she is going through isn’t easy. (I’ve let out a lot of details obviously but just trust me when I say that she’s going through so much shit)

I guess I’m just bothered by it because the way I see it is that we have been with her by her side through thick and thin. And then she’s just going to throw it away like it’s nothing??? Like that’s what it feels like to me. And like I want to just talk to her get it all out of chest be like I know you’re hurting but you’ve hurt me too. But how can I when she doesn’t respond??? But also I don’t want her to react like she always does and say something like “lol I’m okay I’m not worried it’s not a big deal” and deflect the entire situation. And man if this is how friendship is going to end then just some closure would be nice.

Okay that’s all. If anyway has read this you’re a trooper. I feel a lot better just getting it all out there but like this fucking sucks. Because someway some how my friendships end like this. We have one uncomfortable but very needed conversation and then they just stop talking to me. So then it feels like I’m the one in the wrong. I am the problem. When I feel like I did nothing wrong but try to solve our problems before they get to big.

This sucks lol.

Hi I’m angry, actually fumming, my heart is legit beating so fast and I want to cry omg.

I want to just rant but I’m going to try to calm myself down first.

[tinuviel-undomiel]

A Night to Remember: The Death of Dreams

So sorry it took so long to update this story, but I hope everyone enjoys it. Shout outs to @emospritelet who has been begging for this one and @standbyyourmantis who is now a character in this story, LOL.

Also found on ff.net and ao3.

The only sound in the office was the ticking of a clock, whiling away the time until the session was over and Gold was released. He was so tired of this therapy. Progress was painfully slow and worse, the nightmares had increased. Now it was nearly every night that he woke up in a panic, thinking he was drowning in the endless, icy sea. And, as always, his blue-eyed angel was always just out of reach as he sank into oblivion.

           “I’m not sure why I keep doing this,” he said under his breath.

           “We are making progress,” Hopper said, “I know it seems slow, but you don’t always want to rush these things.”

           “Yes, I have managed to remember leaving my hotel room to board the ship after months of therapy. Perhaps in a year I’ll remember going up the gangplank.”

           “It won’t be quite that long,” the good doctor assured him with his trademark, patient smile, “Once we start the flow of memories, they will come much easier.”

           “I’ll take your word for it,” Gold said. He drummed his fingers on the side of the chaise, eyeing at the clock on the wall.

           “You don’t appear to be happy with that,” Hopper said.

           “Well, the memories are of a terrible tragedy, forgive me for not leaping for joy at the prospect.” Hopper let out an “hmm,” before jotting something down in his journal. “What is it?” Gold asked him.

           “Pardon?”

           “I know you’re thinking of something, just tell me what it is.”

           Hopper let out a chuckle. “I’m afraid that is supposed to be your job.”

           “Well I know you have your own opinion on something about me and I’d rather know what you are thinking.”

           Hopper closed his journal and set it aside on the table. “Well, to be honest, I am wondering how dedicated you are to obtaining these locked memories.”

           Gold sat up, propping his elbows on his knees and leaning towards him. “What do you mean by that?”

           “Well, even I will admit that these memories are undoubtedly painful,” Hopper said, “Most people would shy away from such things.”

           “You’re saying that I’m afraid to remember,” Gold said.

           “It is possible.”

           “So now I’m a coward,” he growled. He leapt to his feet, reaching for his coat and his cane.

Hopper jumped up too and raised one hand towards him. “No, that isn’t what I am saying.”

“Then please, tell me what you really meant,” he hissed at the man.

“Robert, I’ve only read the newspapers and I myself had a nightmare about that horrible night,” Hopper told him, “I truly cannot imagine what it would have been like to have lived it. I’m certain I wouldn’t want to remember any of it.”

Gold twirled his hand in his hand, watching the tip spin around on the floor. “So what you’re saying is that it is normal.”

“Of course it is, it would be entirely abnormal if you weren’t afraid.” Hopper took a few steps towards him. “Robert, I know you have been pressured to never show fear since you were a child, but it’s okay to be afraid sometimes. It’s okay to be afraid of these memories.

           “It’s…it’s not just the memories,” he admitted, still staring at the floor. “The nightmares are getting worse.”

           “I had a feeling they would,” Hopper said, “The closer you get the remembering, the more your mind will rebel. The nightmares are a manifestation of your fears.”

           “So once I remember, they will stop?” He looked up for the first time. If that were the case, he would gladly sit on that couch and let Hopper bring him back to that horrid night. Anything to get the nightmares to end.

           Hopper slowly shook his head. “I wish that were true.” Gold looked back at the floor, twirling his cane again. “You will probably always suffer from nightmares, but they will lessen with time. I think once you remember what happened on that ship, you won’t be as afraid of them anymore.”

           “That’s easy for you to say,” he muttered.

           “How about we cut this session short today,” Hopper said, “We can resume your progress next week. We don’t want to rush these things and I certainly want you to be prepared for it.”

           Gold wasn’t interested in rushing things. He didn’t entirely know what he was being prepared for; he didn’t really want to know. What he did know for sure was every time he thought about what happened that night, ever time he even tried to remember, he could feel his heart racing inside of his chest and cold sweat beading out on his forehead.

           The trip to New York had taken a considerable hit on Belle’s meager savings. Still, on the train she had managed to make friends with a Mrs. Elizabeth Mantis who had agreed to let her stay with them for a little while, so that was one weight off of her shoulders. Still, there was a lot she had to do. She needed to figure out how to tell Bailey that she was carrying his father’s child. Would he believe her? The ring would be of some proof, so hopefully he would. However, there was still the issue of actually finding a way to meet him. Would he let her in if she told him she had something important to tell him about his father?

           At least Mr. and Mrs. Mantis had understood, not even batting an eye over her condition. She had given Elizabeth a shortened version of what had happened. The young woman had declared it all, “wildly romantic”, like something from a Victorian novel.

           The getting to New York was the easy part; the difficult job still lay ahead. Robert had never told her his address, but it wasn’t so difficult to find. She knew some of the upper class neighborhoods thanks to her time spent with Cora and Regina. Mr. Mantis had a friend who worked taxicab who she managed to cajole the location out of. He was even kind enough to give her a lift to the home.

           She stood outside, looking up at the mansion. This was where Robert had lived, where she had hoped to make a home with him. If the Titanic hadn’t sank, would they be here now? Would they be married? Belle shut her eyes for a moment, thinking about all that they could have had. She could see him sitting beside her on the sofa as she read a book, drinking his scotch and reading his paper. They could talk about names for the baby over breakfast; go shopping for the nursery together. At night, he would hold her close, keeping one hand over her growing belly so he could feel their child move.

           Tears spilled down her cheeks just as the baby kicked inside of her. There were so many things they could have done together, a life they could have had if he hadn’t died. It was time to tell Bae everything that had happened. She had faith that he would be a good brother to her child. It wasn’t the life she could have had with Robert, but at least she would still be a part of the life he had left behind.

           Belle brushed her cheeks with her sleeve and pushed open the gate, slipping inside. The front was empty as it was too grey and cold for gardeners to be out. Someone would be home, even if she had to wait before the master of the home returned. She rang the bell at the front door and waited.

           There was a long moment of silence, then the sound of footsteps coming towards her. The large wooden door opened at the hand of a very imposing butler. He had oiled grey hair and a perfectly groomed mustache covered his upper lip. “Can I help you, miss?” he asked her.

           “I…uh…I need to speak with Mr. Gold,” she said.

           The butler’s grey eyes took in the top of her ratty hat, her fraying coat and wool skirt. “Do you have an appointment with him?” he asked. He knew the answer was bound to be no.

           “I have something important to tell him.”

           “Well I’m afraid he is not here at the moment. We do not know the exact time to expect him.”

           “May I wait then?” she asked, “Please? It’s very important that I see him.”

           “Gordon?” a woman’s voice called out, “Who is it?”

           “I’m afraid I don’t rightfully know, Miss Swan. Someone who wants to see Mr. Gold.”

           A pretty woman with blond hair, uncommonly unpinned and hanging loose around her shoulders, appeared at the butler’s side. It took a moment for Belle to recognize her last name. Emma Swan, the woman Robert said was being courted by his son. Miss Swan was staring at her like she was a parasite instead of a person.

           “What do you want?” Miss Swan demanded.

           “I…I need to see Mr. Gold.”

           “Why? What do you want with him?”

           “I…” The coat managed to hide her condition fairly well, something she was grateful for. She couldn’t tell Emma that she was pregnant with her suitor’s half-sibling. “I know some…personal information about the sinking of the Titanic, actually I—.”

           “Not this again,” Emma said with a sigh, “Look, you’re the fifth person to come here saying you know something about the sinking.”

           “What?” Belle asked.

           “Look, he is trying to heal, we all are, and you people aren’t helping him. Let the poor man be. Go bother someone else for a story, but you’re not welcome here.”

           Emma slammed the heavy door shut, leaving Belle standing on the threshold alone. She shuffled away, swallowing back her tears until she was off Robert’s property. There was a gentle nudge in her belly, like her baby was trying to offer her what meager comfort it could. “I won’t give up, darling,” she said, patting her belly as her eyes glistened, “I’ll just have to find another way.”

           Even though her money was dwindling, Belle went to the automat for lunch where she even indulged in a cherry pie to settle her sweet tooth and cheer her up a bit. She realized that poor Neal was undoubtedly still mourning the loss of his father. She hadn’t thought of people coming to his home to try and tell him some lies about the sinking, no doubt hoping for a bit of money in exchange for some story. Now she was faced with the very real possibility that he wouldn’t believe her if she told him everything. The only proof she had was Robert’s ring. Would that be enough to convince him that she was telling the truth about her romance with Robert? If it wasn’t…she couldn’t think about that. She may shatter completely if she did.

           She returned to her new friends’ house two nickels poorer and definitely disheartened. She couldn’t give up, but she needed to reassess her plans on how to talk to Bailey Gold about it. It started raining halfway there, so she walked in dripping and feeling just as good as she looked.

           “Oh dear,” Mrs. Mantis said, “You must be freezing.” She quickly helped Belle peel off her ragged coat. She settled her onto their settee by the fire with a blanket. She left and returned with some tea and cookies for Belle. “Here, this will warm you up.”

           “Thank you,” she said, “but you needn’t go through all of this trouble.”

           “Nonsense,” Elizabeth said, “I need a break from my article anyways.”

           Belle couldn’t help but envy this woman. She had grown up in luxury, but once it was gone she had few skills to support herself. Meanwhile, Elizabeth wrote for a ladies journal and her husband was a grocer. Even though they didn’t have much, they knew how to make themselves comfortable with what they had.

           “So how did your business go?” Elizabeth asked over her own cup of tea.

           Belle stared into her cup. “Not every well.”

           “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

           “No, but thank you. I’m going to try again though.”

           “That’s the spirit,” Elizabeth said with a smile, “It’s the twentieth century. We ladies can do anything as long as we don’t give up.”

           Belle smiled back at her. She reminded her of her Aunt Lydia, strong and determined to prove that women could conquer the world.

           The door opened again and Mr. Mantis swept into the room looking just as drenched as Belle. “The whole city may be underwater by morning,” he announced, putting away his coat and hat before taking a seat beside his wife.

           “How was your day?” she asked him.

           “Good. The store is busy now that Gold opened up the factory.”

           Belle swallowed her cookie. “Gold? As in Robert Gold?”

           “Yes, he opened the factory last month, brought in a lot of work for the people here.”

           “But…Robert Gold,” Belle said, fighting back tears, “He died. You must mean his son.”

           “No, no, he’s quite alive. It was in all the papers.”

           “What?” Belle gasped out.

           “That’s right,” Elizabeth said, “He survived the sinking just like you did, Belle. He was terribly ill though so he was assumed to be dead, but he actually survived.”

           “And doing quite well if the factory is any indication,” Mr. Mantis said.

           “He’s alive,” Belle whispered.

           “Yes, though they say he has no memory of the voyage.”

           Her heart lurched in her chest. “No memory?”

           Mr. Mantis nodded again. “Suffered a blow to the head or something. I don’t know the particulars.”

           Elizabeth tilted her head to the side. “Belle, you look awfully pale. Are you feeling alright?”

           Belle didn’t know how to answer. Her mind was buzzing while her heart hammered against her ribs. Alive. Robert was alive.

           Robert was alive!

           Tears pricked at her eyes as she climbed shakily to her feet. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I…I think I need to lie down for a few moments.”

           “Do you need anything?”

           “No, no, I just need to rest, but thank you.”

           Belle quickly hurried to her borrowed room, finally letting the tears fall. She smiled into her pillow, squeezing it to her chest. “He’s alive,” she whispered to her no one, one hand rubbing at her belly, “He’s alive.”

           But he didn’t remember.

           That cold truth flooded through her mirth. Robert didn’t remember her. He didn’t remember what they had together. What if he refused to believe her?

           Belle pulled the chain out from under her dress and pressed it to her heart. She still had to try. She loved him and he was alive. She was going to find a way to tell him everything that happened between them and how much she loved him. Elizabeth and Aunt Lydia were right, this was their century and she was going to get what she wanted.

———————————————————————————————————————

           It was cold, so cold that it felt like needles were piercing every inch of Gold’s skin. He could hear screaming, groaning, cries of mercy though none of it would be answered. The water was thicker than churned butter. He didn’t know what he was trying to do, why he was fighting this losing battle, but he couldn’t give up. There was something waiting for him, something…

           The air he breathed hurt his lungs, but he had to endure it. He kept bumping into people, but when he looked into their faces, they were dead. Some looked asleep except they were as white as snow, but others were frozen in their final wails for life. He could still hear screaming, but every person he found was already gone. Was he the last soul alive?

           Still, he kept moving, kept swimming through the thick, painful water. Each breath froze him even more. Each new scream pierced through his mind. Each face was dead and cold. When would he join them? But he carried, on, kept fighting but he didn’t even know what he was fighting for.

           Was he looking for someone? Yes, that was it. There was someone he needed to find, someone very important to him. But it was so cold, seeping even the memory of warmth out of him.

           His shoulder brushed up against someone else in the water. Some part of him wanted to turn away, what was the point since clearly he was the only person left alive, but the need to see, to find this other person, the hope that couldn’t be denied that maybe he was wrong, won him over. It took an effort to turn, his strength nearly gone, but finally he saw that it was a young man facedown in the water.

           Gold couldn’t stop looking at the man. There was something about him that was familiar, something he felt he should see. He wanted to lift up his head, but he had no strength left. Instead, he just bobbed around waiting for something to happen. Maybe he was simply waiting to die.

           There must have been a wave that rolled by because the man’s head suddenly tipped back, giving Gold a clear, horrifying view of his face.

           “Bae?” he gasped out.

           His son, his precious baby boy, was as pale as fresh snow. His eyes were shut forever. Tiny crystals of ice were dusted along his eyebrows and frosted into his hair.

           “No!” he shouted, trying to reach for his son, but his arms refused to move. “No, Bae, no! No!”

           “Bae!” Gold woke up screaming his son’s name. His heart was pounding into his chest so hard he thought it would burst out. Sweat had soaked through his pajamas and into the sheets. He leapt out of his bed, limping badly. His knee screamed in pain, but he didn’t feel it. He wrenched the door to his bedroom open and grappled his way into the hall.

           “Papa?” he heard Bae ask from behind his bedroom door. Gold tried to turn the handle, but his hands were shaking too much to get a grip on it. His son finished the job for him. “Papa, what’s—?”

           Gold sobbed out his name and pulled his son into his chest. He did nothing to hide his tears. The image of his son, frozen in the water, was burned into his mind. He wasn’t sure he could ever close his eyes again without seeing it.

           Bae gently pushed him away, but his father refused to let go of his shoulders. He couldn’t stop the sobs even if he wanted to. “Papa, what’s wrong? What happened?”

           “I can’t do it!” he cried out, “I’m sorry, son, but I can’t!” Gold felt his bad knee give away and he let himself go. Bae managed to keep him from falling hard, gently helping his father down to the ground. All the while, Gold couldn’t stop weeping, his heart still remembering the pain of his son’s death in his dreams.

           Bae didn’t say anything else; just let his father keep a death grip on him. He wanted to say something, to tell him that everything would be fine, but he wasn’t sure he would believe him. So he just held him for the rest of the night, until his father stopped crying like a helpless child.

           There really was only one option left for Belle and it certainly wasn’t one she expected to ever take. She hadn’t been to her cousin Cora’s house since they had left for Europe last year. It was a beautiful Tudor mansion, full of priceless antiques and carefully tended gardens. Belle had been too afraid to touch a thing in the place before; certain if she smudged anything she would never hear the end of it. This was her last hope. If she couldn’t get Cora or Regina to help her, than she had no way of meeting Robert and explaining everything that they had shared.

           Belle did her best to wash up first at the Mantis’ house, but she knew she still looked ragged and out of place with the class she’d been born into. At six months pregnant, her condition was very much noticeable, even if she wore larger clothes. She gritted her teeth at the thought of Cora seeing her like this. She wasn’t ashamed that she was pregnant, but she knew her cousin would love seeing her brought down so low. Cora would probably want to cast her out, but Regina… Yes, Regina would help her. They hadn’t started out as friends, but their clandestine loves had brought them together.

           As she walked down the block to Cora’s home, Belle thought about poor Daniel. She remembered how hurt Regina was on the Carpathia when she learned he was gone. He had been such a gentle, kind man. Regina must still miss him terribly. She just had to help her. If their positions were reversed, Belle would do everything she could to help her friend.

           It took a moment for the housekeeper to recognize Belle, but she was kind enough to fetch her a cup of hot tea once she did. Belle sat in the receiving room, cradling the cup in her hand to savor the warmth. There was a plate of sandwiches too and it took all she had to remember her manners and eat them with dainty bites instead of wolfing down the whole plate. Three were gone when the door opened. Cora breezed in first, wearing a deep red dress and matching lip paint. Regina was behind her in black. Cora’s dark eyes slowly took in Belle’s rumpled hair, the worn, frayed dress, and her scuffed shoes. She smiled at her gleefully. “Belle, darling, this is quite a surprise.”

           Belle stood up, her dress straightening over the curve of her stomach. Regina let out a gasp, but Cora managed to hold her composure together. For a moment, only a moment, her eyes flashed with something bitter. Her smile fell away. “Quite a surprise indeed.”

           “I need your help,” Belle said.

           “Clearly, but I’m not sure what I can do for you. I can’t wish that away.” Cora waved her hand towards her belly.

           Belle rubbed at her stomach, glaring at her. “It’s Robert’s child.”

           That same bitterness flickered in her eyes, but other than that Cora didn’t budge an inch. Regina was a different story. Her chin dropped to her chest. “Gold? Why aren’t you with him then?”

           “He doesn’t know,” Belle said, “I didn’t know he was alive. After the sinking…I just didn’t want to hear anything about it. I had no idea he survived until two days ago.”

           Cora shook her head. “Well, this is indeed quite a pickle you are in. Why haven’t you just told him yourself?”

           “I tried, but they wouldn’t let me in.”

           “I suppose that isn’t so surprising considering you look like you were born in a gutter.”

           It took everything Belle had to swallow back her pride there. She had to think of her child and, besides this wasn’t about Cora really. It was Regina who she had her hopes pinned on.

           “Please,” Belle begged, looking at Regina, “Please, you have to talk to Robert. You don’t have to tell him about the baby, just get him to come see me. I know he doesn’t remember me, but if I can just explain everything to him, then I’m sure he can help me.”

           “And why should he believe you?” Cora asked.

           Belle reached under her coat, fingering for the chain around her neck. She pulled it out to show her the gold ring with the glassy blue stone. “He gave me this on the Titanic. He said it was important to him. He’ll have to at least listen to me when he sees I have this.”

           Cora eyed the ring like it was a poisonous dart. It was the only link she had to Robert aside from the child she carried. He had to know that something had happened between them. This was her only chance to see Robert and finally find that happy ending she thought had sunk into the ocean along with fifteen hundred innocent lives.

           Cora quietly walked over and poured herself a cup of tea and then sat on the couch. Regina followed her mother to the couch but did not take her own cup. Belle remained standing, just watching as her older cousin quietly sipped her tea.

           “What if he doesn’t want to listen?” Cora asked her.

           “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t he?”

           “You’re right that he didn’t remember you,” Cora said, “but that was months ago, dear, he remembers everything now. Including the fact that you were supposed to be getting married.”

           Robert remembered? If that was true, then why hadn’t he come for her? He knew about her engagement and how she didn’t want it. Certainly Gaston wouldn’t have stopped him.

           “You’re lying,” Belle said flatly. That was the only explanation.

           “I’m not,” she insisted, “He realized that you needed to be with someone closer to your own age. He told me that what you two had on the Titanic was special, but nearly dying made him see that you deserved more than him.”

           A knot formed in the pit of Belle’s stomach, no in her very heart. Something in those words sounded like Robert. Hadn’t he worried about the age difference between them? Perhaps after he recovered he had doubted what they had. Perhaps hearing she was engaged had made him question if he was the right choice for her.

           No, she couldn’t accept that. She could still remember his words. “Four days is not enough time, but know that I have loved you for four lifetimes in those days.” Robert couldn’t have just set all of that aside. She couldn’t believe it.

           “No,” she said, blinking back furious tears, “No I will never believe that. You are just a cruel, heartless woman, just like he said. I never should have come here.”

           Belle completely ignored all of the manners and customs she’d been taught as a child. She didn’t thank Cora or even bid her goodbye, just marched past them intent towards the door. She would find some other way to talk to Robert. Perhaps she could send him a letter. There had to be some other way.

           “Belle. Belle wait!” she heard Regina call after her.

           Regina. This was her salvation, her chance to finally get to Robert. Her heart leapt in her chest. She hastily swiped back the few angry tears that had spilled down her cheeks, and turned around to see her cousin.

           “Please,” she whispered to Regina, “You have to help me. I know you can. Just tell Robert that I need to speak with him.”

           “Belle,” she said quietly, “I can’t do that.”

           “Please, you have to,” she begged.

           “No, you don’t understand…my mother…she didn’t lie.”

           It felt like a bullet struck her straight into her heart. It was a pain she hadn’t felt since she was told Robert was dead. No, no, this just couldn’t be possible. Belle didn’t realize she’d said that out loud, shaking her head at Regina. “I don’t believe you.”

           “Belle, I’m sorry,” Regina said calmly, “I did tell you before on the Titanic that you couldn’t be sure of him. I even told you about his history with my mother.”

           “Are you saying he’s back together with her?” Belle asked, “I can’t believe that. He couldn’t stand her.”

           “That night changed a lot of things,” Regina said, “I know it changed me. Can you say it couldn’t have changed him?”

           There was no denying that possibility. The whole world had shattered when that ship went down. Slowly, things were rebuilding, but no one was the same. They never could be the way they were before. But this…could it really be true?

           Tears spilled down Belle’s cheeks. “Why are you saying this?” she whispered.

           Regina ducked her head slightly. “Because it’s the truth. Why would I lie to you about this?”

           There it was, the one thing Belle couldn’t deny. Regina had no reason to make any of this up, nothing to gain by lying to her. But that meant….

           Everything inside of Belle broke again, just like it did in April. The pain in her heart ripped through her, sobs breaking out of her throat like a wild animal loosed from its cage. Regina pulled her into her arms and let her soak her blouse with her tears. It felt like she was loosing Robert all over again. Could he really have let all that they’d meant to each other just slip away? Had it really been all in her head?

           “Regina,” Belle said through her sobs, “I don’t know what to do. Should I see him? Should I tell him?”

           “No,” Regina said right away, “He’s moved on with his life and you should too. You should leave town, find some place where no one knows about you. You can start a new life with your baby, maybe even meet someone else.”

           Belle couldn’t imagine anything like that happening, not while her heart was freshly broken. She only really had one option left now, and Regina was right, she needed to leave the city and find a safe place to stay until the baby was born.

           “Wait a moment,” Regina said, hurrying around the corner and out of sight. She came back a few minutes later with a few bills. “It’s not a lot,” Regina said sadly, “But I hope it helps.”

           It stung her pride, but Belle didn’t have any alternative than to swallow the bitter sting and accept the money. “Thank you,” she said after a shaky breath, “You have been so unbelievably kind, Regina.”

           She glanced away for a moment and nodded once. “Take care of yourself, Belle.”

           “I will.” It was all she could do now.

           Belle walked away from her cousin and all of her dreams that were shattered in that house. It felt like she was adrift on the Atlantic again, just waiting for someone to save her. There was no ship coming this time, no one to help her now. She was truly on her own now.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

           Regina stood there after the door shut behind Belle, watching to see if she would turn back. A lot was rolling through her, the fire of anger most of all, and the bitter taste of guilt beneath all of that which she was trying to ignore.

           A clapping sounded behind her, and she squeezed her eyes shut before she turned around to face her mother. Cora was giving her that devious grin Regina had seen all of her life. “That was quite a performance,” her mother complimented her, “I admit some surprise. I didn’t expect you to back me up on this.”

           “I didn’t do it for you.”

           “Oh I’m sure you didn’t. Care to tell me why though? I thought you liked Belle.”

           “I do,” Regina said.

           “Then why did you lie to her like that and send her out with only some money and not on her way to Robert’s house?”

           The fire in her heart blazed to life again at the mention of Gold. “Daniel is dead because of him,” Regina hissed out, “He convinced him not to get on the lifeboat. If he hadn’t done that, Daniel would still be alive.”

           They were supposed to be married now, living in the country with a horse farm. They would have been spending their days riding together, and their nights curled up by the fire. They were supposed to have children, grandchildren, everything. But Daniel was gone. She didn’t even have a body to bury, just a cold stone to mark his memory in the local churchyard.

           “Why should Gold get everything I’ll never have?” she growled, tears spilling down her cheeks, “He let Daniel die. He should have died out there too. Well, he’ll never have this at least.”

           Regina hoped he would never find Belle or her baby. One day he could remember, but he’d never know what happened to them or where they were. That was a sweet thought indeed.

           Dr. Hopper had only just returned from lunch when the door to his office burst open. He blinked in astonishment at the sight of Robert Gold. Considering how their sessions had gone so far, it was certainly a surprise to see him.

           “Robert, I thought our session wasn’t until tomorrow. Is something wrong? Can I help you?”

           “You can take me off of your schedule,” Gold told him, “I won’t be returning here.”

           “What? But, you have been doing so well.”

           “I thank you for your concern, but I don’t feel like I am,” Gold told him tightly, “Every night, I’m afraid of what I’ll dream, what new horror I will experience.”

           “I warned you that you could experience nightmares because of this,” Hopper reminded him, “It’s your mind’s way of protecting you from remembering what you experienced, but the trauma is still there whether you remember it or not.”

           “So why do I have to remember?” Gold questioned him, his grip tightening on his cane. “The more I remember, the worse the nightmares get. I can’t sleep at night, doctor. I can’t function like this. Why do I even want to remember that night? I don’t want to relive seeing people drown or freeze to death. I don’t want to remember how I nearly died.”

           “But Robert,” Hopper said, trying to be as rational as possible, “the trauma won’t go away, you’re right, but you have to face it in order to overcome it. Doing nothing could harm you even more.”

           “That’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Gold said, “Thank you for your time, Dr. Hopper, but I just can’t do this anymore.”

           Mr. Gold turned towards the door and Archie could already see another soul lost about to enter the world again. It had happened before, a patient quitting too soon. It never ended well.

           “Robert, please,” Archie called out to him, “You said there was something important you thought was missing, something you needed to remember. The woman you see in your dreams, she could be a part of that. Don’t you want to find out?”

           Gold turned back from the door to look at him, but the answer was clear on his face. “You said you didn’t think she was real,” Gold said calmly, “To be honest, I can’t imagine anything important from that voyage that would be worth remembering. I’d rather pretend that none of it ever happened.”

           Gold turned back to the door and opened it, quietly shutting it behind him. Archie didn’t stop him this time.

[dancekickboxcardio]

My charging case 🔌 is broken. Totally. The problem is in the connector. It gets power 🔋. But the socket doesn’t recognize it. I have to bring my USBs now. I left happy 😃 yesterday. Calm, gentle and with a feeling that good things are coming 😊. My Mom still failed to mention our vacay 🏝 dates only that when the pool 🏊🏻‍♀️ opens I may stay the entire day totally next week. My fave trainer was upset yesterday. The room she was suppose to present was occupied. She felt that it was deliberate. Her Dad fell again and hit his head. She was ready to have a melt down. She was able to finish and glad that she approach because I wanted to give her a hug 🤗.

She’s like into this nutrition stuff. She is very good at what she does. Her experience doesn’t speak just hard facts but actual unfolding in the real place. Speaking of real, I left my STATs 📊 with Joce, I’ll call her that now and asked how her 2 weeks in the real world 🌍 has been. She’s full of hope, confident and putting to use what she worked so diligently at school 🏫. I asked Camille before we took a picture 📸 if my lipstick 💄 is all over my face again. LOL 😂 with a snort. I met Jay too, my sister’s BFF’s trainer. He called my sister Patty. I was like, “Are you Katie’s husband ?” I have to tell Katie about it. I thought 💭 I was horrible. He said no. I had things not working for me yesterday. My laundried 🧺 shirt 👚 had a huge stain. I didn’t like my outfit. But I feel good that I am not screaming 😱 desperate. But Vie, you want to come off as easy. There’s a difference between looking it and being it. I forgot my shake. I had to eat my lunch 🍴 at café and the fish 🐟 was mushroom 🍄. The difference between my troubles and Laura’s oh, Fra Lippo Lippi, I didn’t get his call is the gravity like importance. Mine are pretty minor. Also, how big they are. They are a lot of inconveniences but they were tiny. My resilience I believe has everything to do with attitude. Not only was I in a good mood 🙂, I had good things going on, I wasn’t stuck and I was approaching things like positive ok what can I do to make the situation a little better. Yeah, psychologist are your friend although I am only a psych grad 👩🏼‍🎓.

I think 🤔 also apart from my great self-management and attitude, I take the time to see beauty and the hook, relish, appreciate and have this sense of gratitude. That wonder leaves an impression in my mind that I am connected with the world 🌍. Ok, Vie, shake off the self-help book 📚 like talk. I need to shower 🚿 this morning. My freshening up are a good thing. Not only do I not stink when I reach out to others, I get to plop in bed 🛌 after working out 💪🏾 🏃🏼‍♀️ . It took me a while to shut off yesterday. But it happened in like 8 minutes. Oooh 😯, I am hungry 😋. I was able to hold my hunger 🍴too. My dinner time usually comes before dance 💃🏼 classes. I enjoyed Dance Jams. We learned new moves. What’s great is even if I am not nailing down every moves, I am enjoying 🤩 them. I know much of the steps and I can get my own groove on. My Aunt Joan was there. I used the elliptical I said I wanted to try. My gawd, a kid next to me smelled like he hasn’t showered 🧼 for days or that he needs to be introduced to deodorant in adolescence. What got me going in my head are parenting. Are his parents giving him enough time of the day, guidance and care? I studied 📖. It didn’t feel like I did a lot in two hours ⏱. The clock by the elevators is missing. My hands 🤚🏾 were crampy writing ✍🏾 Hebrew. I should journal 📓 today. As a result, I did hand therapy lifting weights. I did four equipments. That’s horrible. I hope 🤞🏾 to indulge today. It’s arms 💪🏾 day.

[itsjayyyy]

January 16, 2019 4:51 pm

So on last thursday after that update, I met up with heather for the first time since October. We met up at starbucks, but neither of us bought a drink. She already knew about my moving out because she saw me posting about it on snapchat. I told her all about how my new roommates don’t really talk to me (or do the dishes, or pay rent on time...) and also how my parents didn’t let me have my own bed (she was really shocked at that, which i didn’t understand like girl ive been homeless because of my parents no shit they won’t let me take a bed they bought themselves). I also told her about the whole rose situation, and ofc anna. I thought it was funny how when i told her about the whole “surgery on a porcupine” she was like “how is that possible? you mean she did surgery on those things that fall off of trees?”

After hanging with her, I went home since I had like 5 hours until my next class. rose kept messaging me like “hey are you ready to meet up?” “i can see you’re home now” etc. I didn’t answer, and honestly i was annoyed that she used my location as a weapon, so i left my phone at home when i went to class. Which was kinda annoying tbh, i felt so disconnected without it. (just got sidetracked, but i think when i get my student refund i’m gonna buy an ipod nano 1st gen, which was the first mp3 player i ever had. prob gonna fill it with the 3 vocaloid cd’s i found). After class i went to get a smoothie, then drove home. rose was waiting outside my door for me to get home, and she started going on about “omg i was so worried you weren’t answering my texts etc” we get into my apartment, and i just kinda unloaded onto her (again). just told her how it’s not even just the whole mom situation, but all of them had piled so much hate onto me since i was a kid that i’m incapable of loving myself, and it only frustrates me when they say “don’t see yourself negatively!” it’s like someone breaking your arm and then saying “just use your hand to grab x” without acknowledging that your arm was broken by them. she starts crying (as she always does tbh), then we go to get sushi. 

friday i only had one class (psychology) so i chilled at home most of the day. can’t really remember what i did lol. oh wait i think i hung out with rose, to make up for not hanging out on thursday. yea we chilled at my apartment for a bit, then went to the west side to scoop up peter and get hooter’s. and then i complained about how i started feeling sick, and then called in saturday. i told myself that i would get ahead on my homework and clean my room, but i spent most of the day chilling. the gray cat that hangs around my apartment walked by my window, so i opened it and pet her. She climbed into my room, and i spent a good 3 hours just playing with her. I texted the owner asking if she was pregnant or not (bc she really looked like she was about to give birth) but he texted back saying it was a boy, and neutered. apparently he’s just super cuddly. 

i called in sunday too, since it’s like i already lost an attendance point and i didn’t feel like going to work. i actually was productive that day, like i did laundry and cleaned my room. still getting the depressive episode out of my system, though, so i wasn’t running at full capacity. 

on monday, i checked anna’s twitter (btw after i soft blocked her i felt that she was still looking at my profile tho, like our tweets would mirror each other in mood a lot), and she tweeted “omg i think my crush is flirting with me” so rip my chances with her. and yea i know it wasn’t about me bc outside of class i heard her talking about how they were talking thru snapchat. :c

i really can’t wait until fall when i get transferred to the downtown campus, though. as i was walking up to msb, i saw someone sitting directly next to the entrance. and you can probably guess who it was. I really thought “new semester, new schedule, no more stalker savon waiting outside my classes” but i guess i was wrong. as i sat in the hall waiting for my class to start, I had a minor anxiety attack that i tried to cover up by talking to my classmates and professor about high school funding. luckily in that conversation, i learned that msb has two side exits, so now i have different paths to take. (honestly this whole time i’ve gone here, i thought the “handicap accessible” sign in front of the side entrance was trying to say that wheelchairs should go down the stairs, but my classmate pointed out that it was supposed to say “handicap accessible, up this path to the right,” not directly forward. I took the side stairs after class and basically ran to the garage in case he was following. At home i still had an assignment for comp, which was “visit a place on campus that you’ve never been to before and draw it in a 4-panel comic” (this class is all about multimodal writing) which, by the way, is really only possible for freshmen. as a spohomore, there isn’t a single place on campus that i haven’t been to. except for that side stairwell. so i drew my experiences taking a new staircase as an exit. let me make this journal entry multimodal by adding my comic:

anyways, that comic was apparently way overdrawn, when all of my classmates did simple stick figures at memory mall. kinda felt like wednesday addams wearing a long black dress at summer camp. it was nice tho, gave me a way to express all of my feelings about the whole thing (since i had nobody to talk to). it was like art therapy.

tuesday we had a quiz at the end of calc. i know hindsight’s 20/20, but seriously how the fuck did i fail this class it’s so damn simple. I finished the quiz in a literal 30 seconds and then sat there because i didn’t want to be the first person to finish. all of my classmates looked really deep in thought too, so i started to wonder if i was maybe not doing it right. but then the professor walked by and saw i wasn’t doing anything, so i was like “is this all that we have to do (setting up an integral but not even solving it)” and he was like yea, ur good. surreal.

then i went home and chilled until my evening class, then after that drove to peter’s bc we were gonna hang. so rose remembered that i was coming over, but peter forgot; while peter remembered they invited paul over, but rose forgot. i know that they’re kinda close with paul and all but tbh i don’t really know him that well, and it feels awkward hanging with him. when i told rose that, she was like “but you guys have hung out together, remember that time you got blackout drunk and slept on his bed, i felt like that was a real bonding moment for yall” um no i actually didn’t remember that, probably because i was BLACKOUT DRUNK. anyways i told all of them about anna (since peter and paul didn’t hear the story), then we smoked a little and played comer. We all won a round except for peter lol. then we watched an episode of marie kondo’s show (i wanted them to see how she lowkey looks like a robot), and then i headed home. i got home at like midnight tho, and since we had a sub today in calc, i figured i could skip it. so today i woke up around 10, got on campus at 2 since i was gonna hang with heather (but her boss didn’t let her have a break since she only worked 5 hours so we’re gonna meet tomorrow instead), went to psychology (and we finished the chapter early so no class friday!!!), and since then i’ve been in the library writing this.

here’s my plan for surviving this semester: i’m gonna act like this is fuckin birdbox, but extreme version. he wants to get a reaction out of me, and he’s not gonna. from now on, any time that i’m outside of a building (and even most times that i’m indoors but not in class) I’m going to have headphones in, and look down at the ground (not like directly at my feet, but like looking forward but at the ground ahead of me) or at my phone. that way if he finds me, he still can’t get a reaction bc i’m visibly distracted in the only two senses that he can reach me through. i don’t think he would go as far as to try to touch me, so i should be safe.

i hate that i feel like i’m always on the defensive at my own damn college. i hate feeling like i can’t even walk around freely without being followed. but hopefully i just need to make it to fall, hopefully ucf doesn’t delay the opening of the downtown campus, hopefully i transfer in a few months and can *really* put this all behind me. then it’s all smooth sailing, just gonna go through my final two years at uni, then graduate, get a job in CPS for a few years, then go back to school for my master’s. from there become a licensed clinical social worker, so that i can maybe work for cps but in a hospital setting where i get paid more, buy a house, have a family. get out of orlando. (but i kinda like orlando...)

anyways it’s 6 o clock now, so in about 15 minutes i’m gonna leave the library, use the guidelines i wrote above, use the side entrance, and get to class.

[my-brain-is-sick]

Writing a journal for therapy. Here goes...

2/14 •Last night when I got home after doing something fun I actually felt BORED by my regular routine. I realized it wasn’t so great. This was good and interesting. Later that night I felt really anxious, I mean physically anxious, and I didn’t know why. •Last night I felt really bad and guilty for not trying to get a job. This is because I felt humiliated because of therapy where the therapist cut me open as exposed some things I didn’t want to think about. She wasn’t gentle with me, which I appreciate, but I was in a bad mood anyway and it didn’t help. (I wanted to be happy as I was doing something fun later that night and didn’t want my mood ruined for it.) But later that night I thought about my feelings and gave names to them and I felt better. I realized there’s some part of my brain bullying me and telling me I’m bad a degrading me and I just need to be aware of it. Then it doesn’t control me. I can separate it from the rest of me. Also that other people’s judgements of me (e.g. the therapist) don’t really matter. •My mom told me she had a brain MRI and there was another abnormality (a different one, a from how she made it sound, not a tumor). I didn’t feel sad or worried. This surprised me. I even thought, “what if it’s a tumor and she dies?” and I didn’t care. It’s weird because last time I was very scared. This confuses me a bit but I’m also happy because I don’t want to feel bad. I’ve spent my whole life being sad for no reason and now I don’t care about much of anything. I feel little attachment to people. I worry about this but for now I’m relieved because it’s a good change from when I used to be obsessed about the chance of someone dying. I no longer feel that dread.

•I felt tense yesterday because I thought I was going to be late for something. •Yesterday I felt sad and embarrassed because this homeless dude in Hollywood was yelling at himself. I felt a little scared too for some reason. I was embarrassed because my mom was there and I was trying to ignore it because I don't like when she talks about depressing things. •In the car my mom was crying texitng her sister about her brain problem. I ignored her because I didn’t want to discuss it. I’m tired of her talking about depressing things constantly. I felt selfish. Later I felt like there was something wrong with me for not realizing how sad she was about it. •My mom and I were at a comedy show and I was annoyed at her because she takes all the jokes seriously and responds in a literal (also negative) way. It takes all the fun out of it. Also I got embarrassed to hear dirty jokes next to my mom which I hate about myself because I don’t care about that stuff when I’m alone! I don’t want her to know I’m thinking about that stuff which is idiotic because I’m an adult lol. Also she annoys and embarrasses me because she dances weirdly to all the songs and sings. And I was frustrated because she was rubbing against me when she moved and that’s one of my sensory pet peeves.

2/15 •Early this morning I watched a video of some really gay dude fan boying over Olivia Newton-John while he interviewed her and I felt happy because I love her too lol. •Today I felt frustrated with myself because I was trying to wake up earlier but I ignored the alarm clock and accidentally fell asleep and woke up at the time I normally do. Last night I also felt frustrated for not going to sleep earlier even though I was really tired.

Writing this was very scary at first. At first I couldnt write down the harder parts but as I went along I got more numb to it. Now I feel impatient writing it and want to be done with it lol. Am I lightening my feelings with lol? Lol. Reading it back it is kind of…sad? Idk what to call it. Hard to read.

[yoitscro]

Ramble time again, lol

My brain has felt “stuffed” for last few months and I think I’m starting to figure out why? Maybe. I mean, outside of the obvious ADHD and depression. It’s more so that it’s felt stuffed over the last two years, actually.

I had some projects that, within the last year, have fallen back from where they should/should’ve been. The next reanimate should been worked on at this point, the pesterquest dub should be half way, meenahquest had to be revamped to the point that i may limit it to either myself or a VERY small team...so on.

I’m choosing to not listen to anyone who claims it’s because the pot finally boiled over with how much I carry. Yes, I do A LOT, more than I should, but I tend to feel a bit hurt if anyone suggests that me being overwhelmed is solely on me and not, like, outside factors. It feels ignorant and slightly one-upping on me for no reason, and like, I’m not going to take that well, lol.

My run of projects was fairly well before that and it isn’t just because I finally bit off more than I could chew. It’s because 2020 set EVERYONE back. It consisted of me being an essential worker during the midst of the pandemic, on top of being one of the many black people in America that were stressing to hell and back. Also, I’d been trying to (still) get over overall trauma that’s come from having a falling out with some ex-Homestucks that decided that publicly trying to stomp out a black person in the beginning of February was some kind of heroic justice. I also still have to live with my mom...which is, alot.

It’s been a mix of things that’ve left me, more so than usual, feeling angry, fatigued, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed, and semi-suicidal (I say semi because having a fear of pain has only had me at most to think about the most painless way to go versus...doing anything. also i still have too many things i wanna do. too many people i still care about for these...rhetorical scenarios. which. still isn’t good).

I guess you could say there’s a lot more going on that maaaaybe just maybe puts projects on the back burner, reasonably so, and well, I’m never one who’s taken well to salt being put in my wounds.

(I remember someone I once considered a friend suggesting that I go to therapy, or asking if I looked into it, despite ignoring the fact that they’d been one of the people that, if not had given gossip to others*, then at least knew that I was being singled out and didn’t do anything to help or at least provide understanding. They in fact felt annoyed that it was getting worse and I was talking about it so much as a sign of help versus actually caring, or at least telling me directly that they didn’t want to hear more, which, while still callous, would’ve sucked less.

*they told me they didn’t and got offended that i even asked, overly defensive, and in the back of my mind I thought about how I was told by another party that they were specifically the one that shared stuff from a private server. though i held my tongue cus that would’ve gotten more people involved...)

(It also sucks that I literally got into HStwt, the time of bad times, the month following when my ex-best friend ghosted me and left me severely depressed in the winter of 2018, but I digress. I’ll save that for another ramble)

I think my recent head stuffiness has more so contributed to the fact that after years of connecting myself to the HS fandom, 6, and overall to fandom throughout my life, I’ve finally found the confidence and skills to want to make something original. Not only that, but to do some other things, such as having time practice in other art medias, overall doing art studies with a pencil, etc. Even doing things outside of my creative outputs, like exercising, or watching an anime or playing a game I wasn’t able to get into two years ago because I was worried about a zine schedule when I wasn’t working or at minimum doing doodles on the side.

Work still doesn’t help. This year I clocked in at 100 hours in two weeks once. It was dreadful.

I also got deep into a new fandom which...hasn’t actually happened SINCE Homestuck. But funny timing, lol.

I guess where I can say that I am now is...hm.

I’m still trying to figure things out. I have projects to finish, and I still have HS ones I wanna do...but I potentially need to diminish the list so I’m not long terming this stuff. I have some big ones I wanna do, and at least one more SAHCon year, two if I feel like having a 5 year con. 

I also wanna try to work or either very small teams, or just not work with anyone for project stuff. I love working in collabs and the mutual benefits, but it can be stressful on relying for certain things, and, I’ve been accused of using people  for clout or so one too many times for my liking.

I have to look at these original ideas I wanna try, some of which like I said requires me to practice certain things that project fatigue won’t allow.

And then, two glaring things to keep in mind:

I’d like to go to college at some point, community, potentially next fall? It gives me time to get some of these hefty things out of the way before I start struggling with math, lol.

Secondly, I really wanna quit my job. I’ve only been dealing with it for 3+ years because it’s not minimum wage nor is it food services -- I can work on my projects on the go. I’m making this journal during my Sunday shift right now!

But it’s gotten suckier with new management, and I’ve never worked with benefits. I think my goal is to just work as long(er) as I can to earn a certain amount of money, and then some time before going to school in fall, I’d take some months of a break. Not only to work creatively in piece with no extra stress, but to get some of these projects done before I scoot my boot.

Honestly, the idea of having a free Saturday again and doing art next to a window sill while listening to youtube commentary seduces me. And if I were to chop down my work load, I’d feel even happier.

Anyways, I guess this was just another vent. I haven’t been able to get any creative work done today bc these thoughts were spinning around in my brain, but I had to write them down so I could also organize what I should do first. 

Apologies to that one anon long ago that got sad that Im not longer silly or whatever <:””((((((