missyrage

[missyrage]

I've been so mentally exhausted lately - this is where living "the dream" is both a blessing and a curse. So I'd been working on my feature film, 69 B (not the real title) since 2016, and over the years I've gotten in a fellowship, won pitch competition, and received grants for it - so this year I have the opportunity shoot the short film version of it. I got my team together and really committed since August. I shot the crowdfund video the day before I left NYC, ran the crowdfund for 30 days, and have been in pre-production ever since. We're set to film early Dec. and then straight to post production with a required public presentation for the film by next June

Everyday there's emails, casting, posting/hiring crew, and every time I check something off, in comes another and another. This shoot is even more intricate than when I shot my series - plus I'm the director this time and it's my 1st time so I'm coming in with a shotlist that I also need to work with my DP on, and study ones that my other director peers shared with me...it's a lot. And I'm finishing up a moodboard with each location and characters to send to our prop designer. If no one's done this before...it take a long fucking time to find the "right" photos and adding that this is an all Asian (American) cast set in the 80's, I have to dig a little further. When you google anything without "Asian", you'll just get a blanket search of all White people. These are the added layers of time consumption that's not talked about in how White domination is everywhere.

ANYWAYS - on top of this I still am working on new writing and that's been on the back burner sorta. I sent thorough-ish 8 logline/story ideas to my managers and they vetoed all of them except one about K-pop. But when I huddled up with them they said because BTS exploded a few years ago there's other K-pop series ideas roaming around so to do another original idea...except they vetoed everything. It's part of the business while at the same time I spent mad time coming up with the ideas while ALSO trying to have a balanced life with dating and seeing friends.

I've been knocking out around 9-10pm every night lately and I find myself laying down mid day in between meetings. Today I took some time to chill and watch a Xmas movie, it was really nice. Of course I still did work throughout. I was sitting around with my roommate's dog tonight and was nodding off. I'm still "learning" to give myself a break and leave room to do "nothing" - whatever that nothing will be. Right now I'm taking the time to mind dump here and earlier I took our dog out for a walk. I think in this capitalist society and "superman woman" mentality is very strong, it's "hard" to retrain our brain to simply chill. I've noticed that with other people too.

Meanwhile at the end of all this...I'm grateful to have these issues. I've worked to bring a version of this film to life since 2016 so it's kinda wild that it's coming true. And frankly - it's pretty much a miracle that I still have and am making a life outside of my projects like holy shit! In the past that was always the first thing to go, and even now in the mornings I make sure to. ground myself with exercise, breakfast, an episode of Desus & Mero, shower, and meditation/tarot card reading. I haven't really figured out a night routine yet to ground myself to sleep...but sometimes pretty similar with the tarot reading and now I light a sage candle to cleanse the energy and know it's time to sleep soon.

[missyrage]

I felt encouraged to open this up again after seeing a friend who's also in her soul be open to restarting hers. I saw the freedom she felt with it and it reminded me of when I used to write for the fuck of it.

lol actually I'm literally a professional writer now and filmmaker, and it's been so exhausting. I was reminded I started this 10 yrs ago anonymously and how freeing it is. So I'm turning this space - for however long I feel like writing into an open journal. All anonymous or abbreviated names like I used to cuz lord...so weird, now I'm actually growing in the public eye little by little.

It's so crazy to read 10 years ago I was just starting out in my acting journey and auditioning for MFA programs and getting into NONE that first year, and the 2nd year I got into a well-known grad school. Lemme kiki with you right now and catch up on the last 10 years in light speed.

I also appreciate one of my last posts of me as a 23 yrs old...I'm 33 yrs old now, standing up to my mom over some bullshit about "being too old" and not finding a man. I see where the ticking clock came in of "30 is old". I'm 33, single, and fabulous. and NOW I feel ready to "settle down". And because I've done so much healing and therapy I feel very confident in myself and understand that it's a number's game to find the right life partner, I'm clear on the qualities I want, and I'm a lot more clear on my own needs and boundaries. Lastly - I trust the universe above all else to send me the right soul partner.

OK last I left off I said I was about my career, and I still am...and it's fucking paying off. Lemme tell you!!! I did get into an awesome grad school, tho it was white AF. I thoroughly learned the racist side of the acting world/industry and had an inkling even 10 years ago that I was gonna have to write Asian American roles for myself and for others to create the change that I want to see. After I got my MFA in acting, my audition levels grew pretty high, like I was auditioning for small roles on TV, lead roles in a Disney movie, and for The Farewell. I literally cried after I auditioned for The Farewell because the person who went in before me was someone who's acting career I wanted when I was in grad school and I was being equally considered for the same role as her...wild. But also I knew that because I didn't have TV or more prominent credits they would never hand over a lead role like that to an "unknown" especially because it's an Asian American story and they need an ace in the hole to sell the movie...politics.

That was 2017 - I started writing a comedy series about my childhood BFFs and my ex-bf. I was still grieving over our relationship and this series became an outlet for me to express myself, write a role for myself, and create acting opportunities for other AsAms in a way that's...more blunt. Mad urban basically.

I knew in my heart I wanted to shoot the pilot, so I did in 2018 - omg it was such a difficult and learning process from funding, casting, pre-production, location scouting, being on set, production designer, acting, post-production, festivals, press, social media, marketing - EVERYTHING. It was also exhausting. So that went thru the festival route and I got a good amount of podcasts and had articles written about it. I also won Best TV Pilot Comedy at a festival in LA in 2019 so a few of the cast & crew flew out. At the time I originally bought a one-way ticket because I had just got laid off, I'd been thinking about moving out to LA, and then a week later I won a pitch competition for one of my other work...a film that shall not be named right now cuz I'm actually filming the short film version. I ended up coming back to NY cuz I took that pitch competition win as a sign to go all-in on my writing projects for at least 6 months and see how it goes before I really need to apply for jobs again. Those 6 months turned into 2 years - mainly cuz of COVID, and UI held me over until now.

Anyways - so that pilot, Q (not the real title) - my team and I wanted to continue on with it so we crowdfunded the 2nd episode in 2019, shot it, and then because of COVID - we premiered virtually in 2020 and had it live on Amazon Prime. Funny enough, I got a grant this year, #CityArtistCorps to screen it to help resuscitate the arts because of the pandemic. AND so weird timing, but my ex-bf that I wrote about (in an extreme joking manner) after 5 yrs actually contacted me this year. So as we screened it last month, and me watching this version of my ex, and it happened to be on his bday, I was deeply thinking of him. Mindfuck.

So back in 2015 - me and this same ex broke up that summer. My dad took me out to dimsum and told me about how my parents met, and it was "fate" to him, plus they're immigrants from opposite backgrounds, and the love story was stuck in my head for a long time and I knew I wanted to write about it. In 2016, on a whim, I applied to the Sundance Screenwriters Lab and got into the 2nd round. I deadass thought they made a mistake and had serious imposter syndrome esp. because I had 0 background in writing. I was supposed to have the full feature written already, but I didn't and only had 2 weeks to haul ass. I had my friend edit along the way, and I submitted what I had. I'm sure it wasn't very good. But I stuck with it, in 2017 (?) I dug deeper and interviewed my dad and his old restaurant buddies to get a sense of the 80's, why they came to the States, and what was their experience like here working in the restaurants. I did a LOT of research on that life and interviewed my mom too - and this was the film that I won the pitch competition for...69 Bayard was the original title. OK 2020 - 69 Bayard gets into the 2nd round for Sundance screenwriters lab, again (renamed) and the NEFL, and got a grant. 2021 - I ended up getting ANOTHER grant, but this time to shoot the short film version...wtf. I applied on a whim before I moved to LA...yes finally in 2021, and I got it. So all summer I'd been in development gathering my team, launched a crowdfund (which we raised even more than I did for my series - insane), and now in pre-production. We're shooting in a few weeks and then post-production, with a public presentation by next June.

I've had 2 other projects that went to the 2nd round for Sundance Episodic Labs and one of those scripts landed me my management team...and a really top Hollywood management company with 2 POC reps. WTF?!?! That's a dream, honestly. Because of the work I did for my series, Q - it got me into another fellowship which is wrapping up now and I'll continue on with the next level of it, and thru there opened doors to meeting SO MANY FUCKING AMAZING talented AF POC writers/directors, and industry people. I live in LA now and honestly, it feels like my life blasted open to higher potential.

I'm literally a hair away now from getting staffed on a show and/or getting one of my projects developed into a series. Hell - I'm directing my first film - wtf is life right now!?

But anyways - not everything is roses of course, but to see in hindsight remnants of my 23 yr old self is so interesting. What I'd say to her - now that my career's shifted even wider, I've grown more in my heart and spiritual...trust the process and always give your best effort. That's it.

[missyrage]

Macy's 4th of July fireworks 2012, front row

[missyrage]

Pandora

I was at my sorority sister's BBQ 2 weeks ago.  It was like a huge Greek reunion.  Back track to my ex-bf G who was an abusive asshole and cheated on me left and right, one of them was w/ an acquaintance that i've hung out w/.  Eventually they got together and now are living together at her mom's house.  She's close w/ one of my LSs.  Back to the BBQ, i was eating w/ my LS and she confided in my that my ex G is abusing A, and that her self-esteem is so low now and she's gained so much weight.  A thinks it's her fault, the whole battered woman's syndrome.  My LS asked me to talk to her.  After hearing the whole story i agreed to it.  My LS decided that she'll hold off til she sees something out of line again.  So i told her to give A my # if she wants to talk.  I completely understand A's position, and I hope she comes to her senses.

My friend J's in Korea right now.  We send emails back and forth sometimes.  I told her what happened, and i finally told her that my ex G raped me while he was drunk during Fall 08.  I'd never told anyone before.  I felt it was the right time and she's been through her own difficult times and i felt she was the right person to go to.  I was kinda nervous about it.  At the time when it happened, i just brushed it under the rug, wished it didn't happen.  But after we broke up i couldn't stop thinking about it and how badly I handled the situation.  That was a big step for me.  And I feel better knowing that it's finally out the box, that i can talk about it and not feel it's something to hide/be ashamed of.

I posted pix recently of me and some friends going fishing.  J also mentioned how she's glad to see me hanging out again, being like my old self.  I definitely agree.  I feel the past 2 yrs were much needed alone/healing time.  And now i go out a lot more AND strive for my career goals.  I feel so much happier now.

[missyrage]

FNO 2010.  It was my first time, and I had a blast.  Free food, Free booze, friends.  What more do you need?

[missyrage]

New

I haven't written in this in over a year.  Since the last post I just felt I didn't need to write anymore.  This has been sort of a source of therapy, and a lot has happened and healed since.  But of course shit has been rockin through my mind as of late.  Let me run through a quick update.

I started acting class, and I've stuck through it since last January.  It has been the best thing that's ever happened to me.  One of those milestones if you will.  I've changed so much because of it.  I sound psycho, but over the course of my life I've been given 2 other nicknames aside from my own name, Cinderr and Anuhya.  With that came with their own personalities.  Cinderr is the loud, crazy, blunt one, no fear.  Anuhya is the super ghetto one, very latino.  My original name is the shy, sweet, nice girl.  Acting has really brought Cinderr out to the forefront and I love it.  I feel freer and even more motivated to complete my dreams.  I decided to apply to MFA programs at the last minute and so I prepped for them.  As prepared as I was, I was a choke artist when it came down to my week.  I couldn't trust myself the way I did in rehearsal time because so much was at stake for me.  Trusting my instincts is key.  Although none were so terrible, I still did not do great.  I failed, but with that I don't feel intimidated anymore by anyone.  I just saw the auditors as people who are there to watch me, they're doing their job, and I'm doing mine.  I do things my way, and I won't apologize for anything.  Now I'm taking improv class.  It's been another freeing experience, not knowing what you're going to do/say next.  It really helps you to trust your instincts.  Nothing is ever a mistake.

I've been writing a film script for the past month.  I'm halfway done, and I'm trying to get it finished by July before I turn 24.  I still want to look young enough to play an 18 year old.  I do it when I have time, and I brainstorm all the time.

I started seeing someone...well 2 people really.  First, C, I met him through a friend.  And there's R, who I met through another friend.  R is wack though.  We went on one date, and it's been dead after that.  C is hispanic and unfortunately with my experience (and friends' opinions) it's kind of a downer.  However, I'm willing to try it out and see.  He's different, I'll say that much.

In the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland, Alice talked about naming 5 impossible things in a day, and making them come true (or something to that degree).  One of my impossible things is that there will be no more double standard for women.  Sometime I really hate the Chinese culture.  I'm at that age now where my mom is trying to impose an arranged marriage type situation on me.  She met this lady at her Taiwanese Center.  The lady has a son (whom my mom doesn't  even know his name, but know his net worth), and he's 27 and just bought a house.  The mother is insistent on meeting me, by having dimsum with the 4 of us. I refused. 1. my mother didn't even ASK for my permission, she just set it up w/o my knowledge.  She said it would be embarrassing if she showed up w/o me and tried to put the guilt on me.  Fuck you.  I told her it was her own fault.  How dare you?!  2. Who the fuck wants to be set up by their parents?  3. This isn't an arranged marriage.  I refuse to meet his mother just so she can see first if I'm "acceptable".  How disrespectful is that?!  I told my mom if he wants, he can act like a normal person and call me himself and speak/meet me WITHOUT his mother.  My mom relayed this message to that woman who in return asked again to have dimsum w/ the four of us.  I said hell no.  My mom told her the son can call me, the lady found this unacceptable and wants to meet me first.  Also, she asked why I can't call her son instead....wtf?  How about I'm not the one trying to date him in the first place, and how about he act like a gentleman.  Can you say "Momma's Boy"!?  On top of that I'm sick and tired of my mom trying to put shit on me as if I'm too old already and need to be married to a rich man.  And that's all my life is worth apparently.  I'm 23, I'm head strong, and my first priority is having a career. That's all I care about, everything else comes secondary.  Fuck her for trying to make me feel bad about myself.  Who is anyone to try to degrade me.  She says there's "something wrong w/ me" because I'm not seeking out a rich man to marry. She asked my sister if I was a lesbian.  Go fuck yourself.

[missyrage]

This building is one of the tallest buildings in the world.  The last time I was in Shanghai before this was 2007 and this and another building weren't finished yet.  I came back again 2009 and finally got my chance to go to the top.  It was great!

[missyrage]

Serious

Jenn texted me the other morning saying how mature I've become over the course of our college years, more specifically from junior year on.  I've done a complete 180 and I know it.  I went from party animal to sorority girl to gf to young adult (best way to put it i guess).

Right now I'm struggling everyday tryna find a 2nd part time job and seeking auditions.  Acting class doesn't start until January.  I don't go out as much, I see my friends every once in awhile.  #1 cuz sometime i don't feel like it's worth going to and #2 I'm tryna save $$ for my acting classes cuz i seriously need them and I'm serious about this career.  I haven't seen my bffs in a month.  I see in them such carefree spirit.  I used to have that too, be like that.  I'm not sure if I've gotten too serious or they're just more idk in that college phase.  Idk I think that sometimes I'm not living life or there's something wrong w/ me?  But now that I actually write this stuff out I see that I'm just more serious about my career than fooling around and partying like i used to.  Most of all I'm seriously seriously frustrated about not landing a role yet and not being able to find a second job.

While I was at the Neighborhood Playhouse open house.  One of the guides there said a quote by meisner.  I wish I could recall it word for word, but the point was that if u keep working hard at your career, time and ur career will catch up eventually.  AKA u'll hit that career goal you've been seeking.  That was a pretty good quote I must admit.  I just have to wait until that time comes.

[missyrage]

[missyrage]

Social

I hate the days right before my period comes.  Not to sound depressing, but it's the worst days.  Ya know, the whole hormone thing, I understand every woman feels something different, moodiness etc.  For me sometimes i get into depressing mode, really sad and feel empty or ponder about life and all the bs.  

Right now I'm seeing how lonely I am and how I always wants someone I can connect w/ around.  Everyday I feel like waiting for my mom to come home is the highlight of my day (whenever I am home).  I know how that sounds, but hear me out.  My dad's retired and is home a lot now.  We don't connect because I don't really know him.  He wasn't around when I was growing up; it was always my mom.  Now it's come to a point where i see him a lot everyday, but don't really say anything.  When my mom comes home it's like "Yes!  Someone to talk to!" something like that.  I was in the kitchen with her before and she was saying how when she retires she wants to go back to Taiwan to live there.  In my head im thinking "plz don't leave!"  I don't want to be alone here just w/ my dad, and my sis is barely home anyway.  

I'm just thinking about living alone and going back to an empty house.  I shudder at the thought.  I almost accepted a job position in Syracuse.  I would've had to live by myself.  It's quite creepy up there as it is, and to live there as an adult and not a college student is completely different.

Like I said, I hate the days before a period comes.  Too much negativity and pondering thoughts arise.

[missyrage]

the spanish palace in madrid, now that's what i call made

[missyrage]

Made

This has absolutely nothing to do w/ the entry, but I just wanted to say, remember my very first entry?  I wrote about my bff and her bf break up?  Well they're back together sorta, on the d/l tho.  I'm not gunna release the details, but I was pretty fuckin shocked i gotta tell you.

Quick run about how I've been.  In terms of past pains I feel hella better.  I was watching old episodes of law and order SVU and it hit me how a part of me was still holding onto such a jackass and i went and deleted these pix/videos that he made.  I don't wanna dwell too long on this topic but i felt TONS better.  I've barely thought about it and it's just a shaded memory and it feels GOOOOOOOD.

Originally I signed up to do bg for a movie.  I agreed to it because it was going to guarantee me work for the next few weekends, the catch was it would be exterior shots.  I thought it'd be fine until i did bg for a show 2 days before.  It was a night time exterior.  I was literally out there for 3 hours and i was FREEZING my ass off!!  I mean I could barely take it.  And I knew i wouldn't survive doin the shoot.  It's just not worth it esp when it's just going to get colder and colder and i have to be stuck in hipster fall clothing all day for 12 hours.  12 hours!!!  nah dude.  Man I'm just tryna find ways to get myself cast and get more auditions cuz being an extra SUCKKSSS.  The way they treat principals is a total other ball park.

I was watching House before and it was about a woman who was a cancer researcher, but quit to live a happier life.  I know that I'd be a lot happier being an actor.  I have to make it or die.  There's no other choice, not to be overdramatic or anything but i see that sometimes that's how it has to be.  I made a promise to myself that when I get the $$, make it to the big times, the first thing i'm going to do is buy a pair of Christian Louboutin.  I promise, I promise, and I'm going to get them.  That and LASE EYE SURGERY holy shit, that's just a necessity.

I went to an audition on tuesday for a commercial.  I was OD nervous, they said i did a good job, but plz i could totally hear the nervousness in my voice.  I just hope to push on and get better.  

[missyrage]

street performers from france, in florence. the struggle

[missyrage]

Climb

I finally got my first tattoo on Wednesday.  It wasn't the one I went in for...so here's what happened.  I had an idea of what I wanted so the artist drew it out for me.  I wanted it around my ankle bone, but it turned out it's not a good place because the tat is more likely to fade in that area.  So I was about to not get one at all, but luckily i came prepared with a tat that i've been wanting for months LOL.  So I ended up getting that one on my left lower back.  I fuckin love it.  It hurt like a bitch, but i love it.  While my friend and i were chillin at the parlor for like fucking 2 hrs, the artist drew up a different version of the 1st one i wanted.  LOVED it, but i couldn't figure out where to put it.  Unfortunately I forgot the sketch at the parlor so i don't have that copy anymore, but i remember it vaguely.  So hopefully when i decide to get that one the artist can redraw it.  Dude the tat took 40 mins, to try to keep my mind off the pain i thought of at first being in a park, an open field, playing congee, playing on the swing because it reminded me of tyler perry how he'd going away into a park in his mind whenever he got a beating.  Then i thought of lady gaga and johnny depp because i wanna be just like them, and of winning an oscar.  Hey it got me thru it.

Originally i signed up to do bg work for Man on a Ledge for the next few weekends.  I thought it'd be great because then i'd have guaranteed work for the next few weekends.  It would've been early morning calls, but i would've sucked it up.  They would've been exterior scenes.  So yesterday I went to do bg work for law and order SVU.  I was a college student for take back the night so we were outside.  It was at night and it was COLD AS SHIT.  We couldn't even look bundled so i had to lower my zipper for my jacket.  We were out there for a good 3 hours at least.  I was fucking dying.  My feet were frozen.  When we got inside i had to fill out a form and i couldn't even write cuz my hands were so cold.  It made me realize i can't be doin that bg shit for the movie.  I was out there for 3 hours, for the movie it would've been 10 hours at least, ALL exterior scenes.  I didn't get home til almost 3am.  The way they treat bg and principals r sooo different.  It made me realize how much i fuckin shitty bein bg is and how much i have to push for real roles, whether it be in student films, w/e.  But find ways not to stick w. that bs.  I thought about if this was for me and then i woke up this morning with a surge of energy to find other ways to make it.

Its fuckin rough out there. I met this girl who's 19 and she's been doin this since she was 16.  This other dude who graduated w/ a musical theater degree last year, is still struggling.  Hearing these stories r always a rude awakening to what it's really like to be an aspiring actor.  All I ask of myself is to hang in there.

[missyrage]

At a mall in Shanghai.  Thought this pic fit the occasion

[missyrage]

Stars

Yesterday I went to meed up with my old friend Luc.  We were chillin near the village area at our spot, this mexican cantina.  Of course there's mad tattoo spots around.  I was def OD tempted to get one right then and there and make luc get one too (if he wanted).  I wanted to write humility originally on my wrist, just off the top of my mind.  I feel like it's a big lesson i learned from last weekend and also something to always remember esp since I'm going down the road that I am.  We ended up not, but I was just talkin to my home girl Jenn.  I randomly thought of a tat either last night or this morning idk.  But I've been wanting to incorporate stars as a tat somewhere on my body, but I couldn't think of one.  I randomly thought of putting 3 near the back of my right ankle, going around the bone.  It'll hurt like a bitch I'm sure.  I def know it won't be something i regret because it's something i really believe in and honestly has helped me over the course of this year.

I feel like with these entries i don't want to hide who i am.  I want to express my "secrets" and i guess just let everything out.  Well the main meaning of the tattoo is I've been wishing on stars since I was a little kid after watching pinocchio.  Sometimes i really do think someone's listening to me or that it works.  I've done this for years so i can't remember every wish i've made, but earlier in the year when i was miserable in my relationship i couldn't get out of it because i was so in love, aka stupid heart.  One night I wished to be happy because i wasn't, and then a few days later i finally got fed up with my ex's bs and broke it off finally.  And then all his fucked hidden secrets that had been goin on behind my back suddenly started pouring out.  Again last week after i found out that my ex moved in with aurapisa, i'll admit it dampened my mood and this shit is something i just wanna move on from desperately.  Again I wished to be happy and around that time i watched that segment on tyler perry and it helped me forgive him.  And then bam i've been feeling a lot better ever since.  There's been other crap, but that's what i'm sharing.  I want to have three stars curving around my ankle bone.  Three for my number while I was online, and three stars to represent my bffs and i.  They're my heart and at the end of the day they're like a dream come true for me.  If there's anyone in the world (outside my family) that i truly love, it's them.

There's another one I want on my left middle back.  I can't really decide which to do first because my mom is totally gunna bitch me out when she sees my visible tats.  The one on my back she won't be able to see.  I'm pondering.  omg jenn asking if i wanna get it tomorrow.  I'm scared shitless!  I'm scared of needles, but i do want a tat!

[missyrage]

Winter 07, my bff and i were fuckin waiting in the rain for our other bff and our "straight" friend who were late....of course l0ls