#on a less fun note can’t even imagine dating as anything less than a hypothetical like save for uh one and a half all of the romantic

[tacit-semantics]

Love having relatively mundane drama every now and then like woe. Crush on a straight girl be upon ye 😔

[hypnomicimagines]

The Past is the Past [Yamada Ichiro]

You had thought you left that relationship behind you.

Technically, you didn’t even consider it an actual relationship. To summarize it in the crudest manner possible the man you had formerly been seeing was nothing more than a glorified fuck buddy, and even in those moments he barely managed to meet your expectations. It was a moment of weakness more than anything and you hated to admit to it, hated that this man tried to hold your sexual relationship over your head as though it meant anything more than it did. You don’t think he was in love with you by any stretch of the imagination but it was about the control he wanted to exert over you, the guilt he wanted you to feel thinking he was depressed that he had to spend his nights alone.

In fact, you could remember a time where you had gotten annoyed about him ditching you last second (since you wasted time getting ready) and he had come at you like you were an obsessive freak. That moment was what had you calling it quits on your relationship with him, but thankfully your bed had barely gotten cold before you found your next warmer.

Perhaps he was a little more to you than that.

You laughed as his brothers both took off into the crowd, two different people who had two different objectives in mind to enjoy the festival to the fullest. Ichiro stayed solidly by your side though he looked exasperated at how his little brothers were acting, giving you an apologetic look though you didn’t mind. They had argued the entire walk there about what would be the most fun to do and after not agreeing, had decided to take off and prove they were having the most fun doing their specific activity. You can’t begin to fathom HOW they’re going to judge that particular contest but that wasn’t your biggest concern right now nor was it Ichiro’s.

“Where should we go first?” Ichiro looked like a kid in a candy store as he looked out over the festival, eyeing a game with some interesting prizes that might look good in your arms. You wonder when the last time he ever let himself have fun was but it was too sad to dwell on for long, knowing the bigger implications were that Ichiro never really had a childhood to begin with. From getting a job at such a young age to caring for his brother on his own, he… “Hey!”

“Sorry!” You bowed your head in apology but Ichiro’s light-hearted laughter brought you back into your good mood, hooking arms with your totally-not-boyfriend even though he certainly should be at that point. You had been ‘dating’ for quite some time now, a relationship with no commitments though you weren’t seeing anyone else (and you were positive Ichiro wasn’t either); it had been in a weird limbo that you didn’t want to blame on commitment issues but were certainly because of commitment issues. “Why don’t we eat something good first? And then you can show off for me at that goldfish game.”

Ichiro had no complaints and led you to a nearby stall, your heart fluttering in your chest as he held it up to your face to feed you. His other hand was waiting to catch any excess food that might fall, a doting move that had you tumbling even further into the hypothetical love hole you found yourself in. You didn’t like that you had picked that name but since you would never utter those words out loud, you simply dealt with your inability to name things in a less awkward way.

“Did it taste good?”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

You enjoyed the surprised look on his face as you held up the snack to him to take a bite out of, having to admit that he looked cute when he was flustered like that. The evening was off to a beautiful start, a date that was full of an energy unlike any of the other ones. Ichiro was the type of man you felt you could truly enjoy yourself around, where you could be yourself without having to worry about fitting into a specific stereotype until you’d locked him in. He wanted you just as you were and you wanted him as he was, even if you had to admit he was as close to being the perfect man as he could possibly be.

“Should’ve known I’d see you here whorin’ around with someone else.”

You didn’t even know you were being addressed at first, too absorbed in the way Ichiro looked while he was concentrating at the game in front of him. You only realized it once you’re pulled back abruptly, stumbling and grabbing onto Ichiro in surprise. He whipped around with lightning speed, arm wrapped around your middle as he pulled you back to his side and away from your assailant. In another unfortunate moment, Jiro and Saburo came running back, arguing as they did so but quieting down once they sensed the atmosphere.

“Why won’t you respond to my phone calls? My texts? This dude why?” He looked Ichiro up and down as though he could possibly stand a chance against him and so far he’s stayed silent, carefully assessing the situation as he kept you close to him. “I suddenly ain’t good enough for you?”

“What’s there to be so mad about? Weren’t we just friends?”

“Talk to me like that again—” His arm flexed like he was going to swing but you find yourself on the backline now, completely shielded from any oncoming danger.

The three Yamada brothers standing defensively in front of you tugged at your heartstrings, your grip on Ichiro’s arm tightening. You didn’t want the younger two to hear the disgusting things that might be spewing out of his mouth if this confrontation continued, you didn’t want their view of you to be colored by a world they didn’t quite understand (and that it wasn’t your business to explain to them). Ichiro had the same idea, calling out to Jiro then Saburo, nodding behind him to show it was time for them to back off. As much as your ‘ex’ wanted to continue shouting it was all too easy to lose him in the crowd once you got deeper into the festival grounds, exiting on the other side once you were positive the coast was clear.

“Who was that guy anyway?” Jiro asked as he fixed his hat, looking back with a scowl. “Seemed like a real jerk.”

“He was.” Ichiro agreed, looking to Saburo to see if the youngest in the group was unharmed. “You shouldn’t put yourselves in harms way like that. What if something happened?”

“Well, we couldn’t let anything happen to them, right? You wouldn’t so why should we have to sit back?”

“Jiro’s right about something for once.” Saburo agreed, Jiro looking quite proud before he realized what a backhanded compliment it was. “You told us to protect the people we care about and… and…”

Saburo is suddenly flustered and Jiro joined him in being embarrassed, knowing his thoughts had been along the same line (he just hadn’t spoken them out loud). You and Ichiro both shared a surprised look as you hadn’t realized how fond of you they really were, your heart once again overwhelmed with a hurricane of intense emotions. You reached out to wrap your arms around both of them in a tight hug, crying out something or other about how ridiculously cute they are. Ichiro watched with a smile as his brothers grew even more sheepish at your affection, noting that they both were still awkwardly patting your back to return the gesture in their own way.

Once you’ve returned to the Yamada household Jiro and Saburo said their goodnights, probably just as exhausted by the evenings events as you were. Ichiro invited you to sit on the couch beside him and you did so after changing into casual attire, leaning into his arms to experience the comfort you had craved for the past few hours.

“I’m guessing tonight would be a bad night to make it official?” Ichiro asked awkwardly.

“You were gonna… ask me out at the festival? Wait, I bet it was gonna be right before the fireworks, right? Just in case I said no and we could enjoy one last beautiful moment before my potential rejection.”

“I know I read a lot of light novels but I’m not that cliché,” Ichiro grinned, leaning over to kiss your cheek. “But… maybe. That would be a good hypothetical plan.”

“It would be… I really would’ve liked that. To have a moment under the fireworks with you.” You leaned over to return the affection, lips brushing against his cheek. “But my answer is yes, romantic fireworks present or not.”

“R-Really?” As much confidence as he had shown you throughout the night this is the first moment you’d ever seen him falter like that; you really would have to cherish that cute wide-eyed look on his face as you had a feeling it would be rarity.

“Yes, really. I would be some type of idiot to turn you down.”

“Nah, not an idiot.” Ichiro leaned in to press his lips against yours, savoring the feeling of your body pressing against his. “We should get some sleep, tonight was exhausting…”

“Are you sure sleep is what’s on your mind, baby?” Your sultry tone is noted immediately, Ichiro’s cheeks darkening at your implications. “Why don’t we make our way up to your bedroom and we’ll see how much sleep we’ll get tonight.”

[aparecium-hq]

Welcome to Aparecium, Ro! You have been accepted for Scorpius Malfoy. We are thrilled to have, as you put it, a massive anti-hero, morally-grey character nerd among us! Your Scorpius has a lot of fun potential, and we can’t wait to see what you do with him. Check out the new member checklist, and jump right in.

Character Basics

Birthday (Age): 21 Gender (Pronouns): Male (He/Him) Sexuality: Currently still exploring and unsure. He knows he’s interested in men, but isn’t sure if it’s an exclusive thing and doesn’t feel confident enough for labels just yet. Blood Status: Pureblood Hogwarts House/School: Ravenclaw Occupation: Healer (4th Year Apprenticeship) Faceclaim: Maxence Danet-Fauvel

Any requested changes? Not super explicitly a change exactly but, from the resources I’ve found, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of information on training involved in becoming a Healer. Wiki suggests that it’s all based on academics from regular school years, but I find this a little far fetched. I imagine there’d be some sort of training system in place at the hospital, not that different from the muggle world, so I’ve sort of assumed  a couple of years of what we would call ‘residency’ but I’m calling 'apprenticeship’ because that’s the old school guild way and feels wix-world appropriate? Anyway, let me know if there are any issues with this or if you want to discuss it further! Also, please note that any headcanons I form in the rest of my application regarding existing, playable characters, I can definitely tweak if the personality portrayal goes against future applicants! I make a few references to Albus, for example, that is sort of based on his personality in Cursed Child, as well as what I read in his bio. But if anything conflicts with how he is portrayed by who eventually plays him, I will obviously take that into account and accommodate.

Biography:

Having inadvertently become the best friend of Albus Potter, he never really had the opportunity to complain about the challenges of growing up the son of Draco Malfoy. Because obviously, growing up the son of Harry Potter (and then sorted into Slytherin, no less—cue gasps of shock and appall) was obviously a lot more immediately arduous. And Scorpius is and has always been an empathetic person. Some people (sometimes even his father, when he got cranky) had coined that particular trait as being a bit of a push over, but Scorpius liked that he put the needs and considerations of others before his own.

So he had no regrets about how he more often than not, kept those particular thoughts to himself. But it did get frustrating sometimes, especially as a kid. Because it would seem that no matter how many years of post-war peace go by, they can never fully escape the discrimination (or, as his father likes to sarcastically call it, the 'hurt feelings’).

And it’s not at all that he didn’t have a good childhood. In a lot of ways, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Certainly, there were some… complications. A few particularly difficult years, being that he was a child of divorce, and had to adjust to bouncing back and forth between two separate households at a young age. But overall, he knows he’s one of the lucky ones. He has always felt loved, protected and supported. And though his parents were barely on speaking terms for the better part of the first few years after their divorce, they did their best not to involve Scorpius in their issues of discontent.

Despite all of that, he has always been a lot closer with his father, than his mother. Astoria is good to him and loving, but she was (somewhat surprisingly) less supportive of Scorpius’ straying from tradition when it came to being sorted into Ravenclaw, and his relationships with the Potter-Weasley clan. Draco, despite his persnickety temperament, had been Scorpius’ influence of patience, ambition and most importantly, tolerance. From the conversations they’ve had over the years, Scorpius is beginning to understand that his father still holds a lot of resentment for the expectations that were forced upon him as the only Malfoy heir of his generation, especially with things that went on during the war. To this day, however, it’s a bit like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle because Draco often refuses to discuss the war.

When it comes to politics, Scorpius is by no means opposed to muggleborn equality—obviously—and he can even hypothetically be supportive of the introduction of muggle technology. But he was raised by parents who were absolutely against the absurd idea of abolishing the Statue of Secrecy, and Scorpius has to admit he agrees with them. Even his father, who is generally a lot more empathetic to muggle and muggleborn related politics than Astoria, firmly believes dissolving the Statue of Secrecy would only lead to another war, perhaps even uglier than the last.

A typical Ravenclaw, Scorpius very much enjoyed school, and now that he’s out in the 'real world’, even though he's  had a few years to adjust, he still sometimes feels a little lost in it. He misses the reliable comfort of being a student, of having constant mentors and structure available to him, and the leniency of not having to make and stick to decisions regarding his future. He followed in his fathers footsteps and pursued Healing, which he has to admit feels relatively right, but still, he’s never been as good under fire as his father, nor as unflappably resilient and ambitious. He wants to be good, and he wants to make a difference and make his parents proud—but there are times he really struggles not to crumple under the pressure of it all.

And then there was Rose. Merlin, he has so many regrets about how things went with Rose—his other best friend. He’d known they should probably never have dated. He’d known, and even Albus had tried to warn him, but at the time Scorpius had just dismissed Albus’ concerns as his “annoying cynicism” talking. And to be fair, Albus really could be quite cynical sometimes.

But as it turns out, he was right. He was really, really right, because the (astoundingly brief) relationship had been a total bust, and even though he and Rose had agreed in advance not to let the attempt at romance come between their friendship should it not work out, Scorpius made that promise a difficult one to keep when he cheated on her with a young man in his apprenticeship program at St. Mungo’s, and she found out. He knows it’s his fault, he does—but he misses her intensely and he wants to find a way to win back her trust and respect.

Plus, it’d be great if he could finally get Albus to stop with the 'I told you so’ tirade.

Character Questionnaire

What does your character value in a friendship? Scorpius’ friends mean everything to him. Though he can be something of an introvert (strong Ravenclaw vibes), he is prone to getting lonely without the company of those few people dearest to him. The ones who know him best and with whom he can share anything. He finds he’s frequently looking to his friends for advice, or their perspective on something he’s feeling particularly indecisive or uncertain about, so he definitely values honesty in that regard, and someone he feels safe being open with about his fears. He also values patience, and inquisitiveness, and he has a harder time with people who are hot-tempered or quick to anger. Which… did make his relationship with Albus a complicated one, especially at first, but by the same token, he also really admires people who are passionate and decisive—perhaps because it embodies traits he wishes he could see more of in himself.

How would your character describe their own work ethic? Is that an accurate measure of themself?

If there is one thing Scorpius inherited above all else from his father, it’s his work ethic. Draco taught him to be a resilient, diligent student, and a reliable, focused worker. He taught him to take pride in his work, and to never settle for anythnig less than the best. This did generate some issues with Scorpius’ tendency towards being an obsessive perfectionist, which doesn’t actually bode particularly well for his softer sensibilities and his capricious sense of confidence, but otherwise he considers his work ethic one of his stronger attributes.

How would a stranger who has just met your character describe them?

Probably sweet, warm, and a little shy. Scorpius generally gives off a good first impression because he is well mannered, friendly, and easy going. He much prefers making friends to enemies—but his first impression is usually limited to just that one dimension. Only those who know him better are exposed to his more anxious, self-conscious side, and his friends know he has a bright, almost sarcastic sense of humour that he undoubtedly got from his father. Often, new friends are taken a little by surprise by it.

Para Sample

He knew for a fact that his hair was standing every which way by the time Albus got home, thanks to his some-call-it-habit, others-call-it-tic, of tugging his fingers through it when he was bored. Or nervous. Or tired. Or hungry. And he also knew for a fact that there was a spot on his jumper from the bit of tea he’d spilled on it when he’d gotten home, and that his father would be less than impressed at his state of dress. But though there were a lot of things Scorpius got from his father, one apple that had fallen actually quite far from the tree, had been Draco’s sophisticated propensity.

Scorpius much preferred jumpers that were cozy and a bit too big, shoes that were comfortably worn-in, and rolling out of bed and more or less letting his hair do what it would, without too much fussing about. Sorry, Da.

And tonight, it was admittedly his boredom at fault for the bird’s nest state of his hair, perhaps helped by an undercurrent of anxiety that was pretty common now that Scorpius was getting on into his apprenticeship—and that had undoubtedly gotten worse since his falling out with Rose. And really, he tried not to talk about that whole debacle too much with Albus, because it seemed to make him a little uncomfortable, but Scorpius was prone to over-thinking (read: obsessing) and so it was a subject that was almost constantly simmering at the back of his mind.

Nonetheless, the sound of the door clicking open brought with it an intense wave of relief and excitement for Scorpius, because Albus was home, which meant someone to talk to, someone to distract him from thinking about work (because his father always told him to leave work at the door when he left, if he wanted to have any semblance of a life outside it), and perhaps someone to play a round of Wizard’s Chess with him. Though that usually took a fair amount of convincing, with Albus.

[marvelousbirthdays]

Happy Birthday, wintershadowkat!

July 16 - A TaserBones with the"Soulmate identifying mark" trope for @wintershadowkat

Written by @backwardsandinhighheels

Darcy was in her freshman year at Culver when word spread around the campus that the feds were taking apart the science department.

Like every other bored student, Darcy joined the crowd of people pretending to walk past while jostling for a better look at the men in black carrying computers, files, and various bits of machinery to waiting vans. Through judicious use of elbows, she squeezed her way close to the entrance at the front, craning her neck to see into the building. 

Her interest must have been too obvious because a guy in a black bulletproof vest focused in on her as he ushered students away. “Nothing to see here, miss. Move along, now.”

At those words, Darcy stared up at the guy in shock for a good ten seconds, before finding her voice. “Are you serious? That is such a lie. That’s like the biggest, most blatant lie I’ve ever heard and like, I knew it was probably going to be a lie but I didn’t think it was going to be that bad.”

It was at the end of her rambling that Darcy realised three things:

1. They were in public, surrounded by hordes of students with nothing better to do than gawk at whatever entertainment came along,

2. Whatever qualms she had about having a lie curving around her waist, her soulmate had her rant about lying somewhere on him and that kinda made up for it, and

3. Her soulmate was tall, dark, and seriously hot

Also, he was looking at her with an unreadable expression that somehow made the rest of the world quieten away.

“You’re too young,” he said finally, and she felt her stomach drop.

“What do you mean? Are you rejecting me?” She’d heard the stories, but never imagined it could happen to her.

Thankfully, he shook his head. “I’m not saying no, I’m saying not yet. You need to grow into yourself first.”

“That’s… fair.” Well, it wasn’t ideal, but she was sure that once she’d gotten over the shock, she’d be grateful he hadn’t proposed on the spot. Her cousin swore up and down that had happened to an old classmate of his. “You want my number?”

His eyes sharpened. “You got an email? It’s probably more reliable.”

Darcy nodded and went to write it down. Halfway through the first email she’d made when she was twelve - and her mom was right, she really needed to get a more ‘professional’ one - she scribbled it out and wrote in her college email instead. There was no way she was introducing herself to her soulmate with hula_h00p_gurl@hotmail.com (listen, underscores used to be cool, all right?) which reminded her - “I’m Darcy,” she said. “In case you were wondering.”

“Brock,” he replied.

“Like from - “

He sighed. “Yes, like from Pokemon.”

She pressed her email into his hand. “Nice to meet you, Brock.”

~~~

Their communication was sporadic, interrupted as it was by exams (Darcy) and super-secret overseas assignments (Brock), but over the next little while, Darcy discovered her soulmate was kind of a dork.

Sure, he’d mastered martial arts she’d never even heard of, refused to listen to music past the year 2000, and admitted he’d never actually played Pokemon. But when she sent a Nintendo DS to the post box he’d finally admitted to having, he kept her up to date on his progress through Pokemon Pearl and argued with her on her choice of starters.

Best of all, however, he asked about her. He quizzed her at length on her childhood, on her family and friends, and in return, she heard about the life of an army brat who never really saw himself doing anything else. She told him all about her degree, bouncing essay ideas off him when he was in the country long enough to reply in time. He was especially interested in her own ideas on the sliding scale from freedom to security, positing hypotheticals that ranged from the silly to the downright chilling.

As time passed, she began to hint about meeting up, but he would deflect, telling her it wasn’t the right time. Eventually, she gave up. The first email after she stopped hinting had a distinct note of relief, so Darcy resigned herself to a platonic bond. 

Brock was not impressed when she landed an internship in the middle of New Mexico, but then, his emails had a rather overprotective streak, so Darcy wasn’t fussed. She decided against giving too many details after the whole ‘Loki and the Destroyer’ thing, but he somehow found out anyway.

Boy, that was a fun set of emails.

After that, their first real fight, conversation sort of… tailed off. Brock didn’t stop emailing, exactly, but he was more distant, less interested. By the time Jane landed a job at Stark Industries, Darcy in tow, she’d whittled him down to a penpal in her mind. A friend. Someone she’d met once, a long time ago. When a server glitch at Culver disconnected Darcy's email address, she barely noticed. It didn’t hurt at all. Really.

~~~

"Who is Crossbones?" Darcy asked, running her finger down the list of guests for Tony's event for superhuman, enhanced, or otherwise heroic individuals. 

"Hmm?" Pepper glanced over from where she was doing final detail checks on the schedule. "Someone Steve knows from Washington. Ex-SHIELD, possibly ex-Hydra. I think Steve said something about him being a double agent, but until we know his reasons for turning, Tony is hesitant to have him on the team."

"Fair enough," Darcy agreed. "I won't seat him with the rest of the ex-SHIELD crew then. Oh, have you taken a look at your speech? I emailed the revised version to you this morning."

"No, I haven't. Thanks for reminding me." Pepper made a note on her tablet. "Will Jane be coming, do you know?" 

Darcy shook her head. "When I checked this morning, she said she was done with superheroes and promised not to blow a hole in the time-space continuum if I brought her canapes afterwards." She looked down at her list again. "I still think we should have nametags. What am I supposed to call this guy? Mr Bones?"

“You could just ask him,” Pepper suggested.

“Doubt it.”

~~~

Darcy was making the rounds, clipboard in hand and desperately wishing for nametags, when Steve caught her eye. Once he had her attention, he beckoned her over to where he stood with another man. 

“Rumlow, this is Darcy, our coordinator and facilitator. Darcy, this is -”

Darcy’s jaw dropped. Also her clipboard, but she barely noticed. “Brock?”

The man next to Steve caught the clipboard, his own stunned gaze meeting hers. “Darcy?”

“How - what - what are you doing here?”

“Could ask you the same question.”

“Do you two know each other?” Steve asked, looking between them, bemused.

Darcy plucked the clipboard from Brock’s hand and passed it to Steve, her eyes never leaving Brock’s face. “Be a dear and sign people in, would you?” Taking Brock’s hand, she dragged him through one of the staff entrances and into a storeroom she’d inspected earlier.

“You’re Crossbones?” she demanded, as soon as they were alone. “You’re the ex-Hydra guy?”

“How did you know about that?” Instead of letting her answer, he cupped her cheek with his hand. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

She pushed his hand off her face. “You can’t just - it’s been six years!”

He dropped his gaze and his hand. “I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t think. Are you - is there someone else?”

“No,” she responded immediately, and his drooping shoulders straightened. “But I thought you didn’t want me!”

“Darcy, you were too young.”

She paused. “I’m not in college any more.”

“No, you’re certainly not.”

“Oh good,” Darcy said, before dragging his mouth down to hers.

It was a few minutes before they broke apart, Darcy’s fancy updo in curls around her face and both of them breathing heavily. 

Brock shook his head. “I had a whole speech, you know. For if I ever saw you again. I was going to explain everything that went down at SHIELD.”

Darcy waved a hand in dismissal. “I already know most of that. I need to know if you’re going to stick around.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Of course!”

He didn’t even have to think about it. “Then I will.”

“Oh good.” She began to pin her hair back up. “We should probably go out and rejoin the party. Oh! Did you know there’s another Pokemon game out?”

Brock snorted. ‘You’re going to ruin my image with Rogers.”

“Is that a yes, though?”

“Yes.”

Giggling, she slipped her arm into his and snuggled against his side. “Let’s go.”

[sun-summoning]

part i 

once upon a time, sakura dated an assassin. 

naturally, she wasn’t aware of the whole contract killing thing. after all, as a medical practitioner, one would think she would have stayed away from such a man. but after patching him up in the emergency room and turning him down at least once when he insisted on repaying her with dinner, sakura couldn’t help but tumble into a relationship with him. he was smart and he was handsome and he made sakura happy. there was just something positively enthralling about uchiha sasuke, if that was even his real name. 

“sakura, i need you to listen,” he tells her six months after dumping her on her birthday. 

sakura feels the need to tell him off or sob against his shoulder or kick him in the balls, but she manages to squash all of that down as another round of shots are fired at them. glass shatters, making her scream, and sakura sinks as low into her seat as she can while driving away from their would be killers.

“some very bad people are after me right now,” he explains as if that isn’t completely obvious. sasuke extends an arm over her chest and shoots someone in the car at her left. “because of that, they’re after you.”

“what does that even mean--”

“you’re going to need to take this.” 

sasuke drops a backpack onto her lap, burgundy and mostly inconspicuous. 

“sasuke, i’m driving!” she berates. 

“yeah, turn into that garage,” he instructs. 

sakura complies, making all the sharp turns at top speed as sasuke finishes off the rest of the men that are fucking shooting at them. they leave a spiral of wrecked cars and dead men in suits in their wake. at the top floor of the garage, sasuke tells her to grab her stuff and they run to the stairwell to get out. 

“huh. i didn’t think there’d be so many,” he mutters as he carefully opens the door. 

“so many what, sasuke?”

“assassins.” he doesn’t elaborate any further despite the look sakura gives him positively demanding he do so. instead, he pauses in the stairwell and looks around. satisfied that they’re finally alone since he practically kidnapped her from the hospital, sasuke unzips the main pocket of the backpack for her to see. sakura squeaks when she takes in the weapons situated over a pile of cash. 

“sasuke!” she yells, horrified. “i can’t take this!”

“of course you can,” he replies, as if she’s the one who might be insane. then again, considering she actually dated this jackass and mourned the loss of him when he dumped her, maybe she really was. “you can’t just go around punching these kinds of people. not unless close combat is required.”

“i don’t go around punching anyone ever!”

he rolls his eyes. “sakura, you kickbox for fun.”

“that is so completely different? like i cannot even begin to explain?”

“and you really shouldn’t. there’s no time for that.” sasuke zips the backpack up again. “inside you’ll find some passports and plane tickets out of here for you and ino.”

“ino?” sakura blinks, startled by the mention of her best friend. “what does ino have to do with any of this?” her face falls. “is ino an assassin too?!”

“what? ew, no.” sasuke shrugs. “i just figured you’d get lonely if i sent you into hiding on your own.”

“what the hell. so you decided to endanger my best friend instead?!”

sasuke has the audacity to shrug one more time. 

“sasuke--”

he cuts her off with a kiss and frankly that just makes her angrier, because no man should ever cut a pissed off woman with a kiss. how is that ever acceptable? how is that actually perpetuated as sexy or sweet? and who the fuck does that even ever calm down? she was in the middle of expressing herself and then this piece of shit has the gall to just kiss her?

feeling sasuke’s tongue brush against the seam of her lips, sakura shakes in fury and bites him.

“fuck,” he hisses as he pulls away. he looks annoyed, angry even, but sakura’s own rage sobers him up. “sorry,” he says softly. 

she raises an eyebrow at him, unwilling to make things easy despite the blood on his lips and the other assassins probably looking for them. 

“for...kissing you when it was not appropriate.”

“and?”

“dumping you on your birthday for your own protection.”

“and?”

sasuke frowns. “and what?”

“and bringing ino into this mess!” sakura yells, smacking his arm. “i mean, i knew you two never liked each other, but i never would have thought you’d do something as awful as rope her into some killer versus killer plot and risk her dying!”

sasuke doesn’t look particularly apologetic. he proceeds down the stairs, on guard and with his gun cocked. when they’re finally out of the parking garage, sasuke pulls her into an alley and they make their way back onto the main streets looking as normal as possible. 

they go to ino’s building and wait for her down in the lobby with as much explanation as sasuke is willing to provide. sakura shuffles around anxiously, finally making sense of the way sasuke had a tendency to observe anyone and everything with a suspicious sort of stare at all times. their uber finally arrives, driven by a young girl who was probably just trying to pay some bills. sakura watches sasuke watch her change her current spotify playlist to something titled “fighting couple </3 (lol)”. she changes it to “girlfriends” though when ino gets into the car, her face still marred with confusion, and sakura remains to say a quick goodbye to sasuke.

“assassin,” sakura grumbles, still disbelieving, still strangely compliant with all these circumstances.

he shrugs. “it doesn’t change anything.”

“it changes everything!”

“if you told me you were actually dentist and not a surgeon, i wouldn’t judge you.”

“that is not at all the same thing and you know it.”

sasuke says nothing more, only drawing her into his arms and pressing his forehead against hers. 

“i’m sorry,” he whispers. “for everything. i never intended to put you in danger, i swear.”

“sasuke--”

he pulls back, smiling at her sadly. “get on the plane. follow the instructions i left you. i’ll come get you in two weeks.”

“and if you don’t?”

“i will.”

-

two weeks later, sasuke doesn’t show. 

sakura knows ino is struggling to not question whether or not he might actually be dead, especially since she might have budgeted all the cash sasuke gave them really fucking poorly and bought bottles of wine they probably didn’t need and glamorous dresses they definitely didn’t need, and so she wants to know if their benefactor will be gracing them with some more funds. 

“sakura,” ino begins gently, dressed in something black and silver and utterly fantastic. she holds a goblet of shiraz, sipping it like some widowed duchess who has the freedom to get sloshed at ten in the morning. “i think it’s time we discuss what we’re going to do next.”

ino sits beside sakura on the couch and hands her the glorified cup. sakura frowns, unimpressed with the prospect of drinking at this time of day, but she’s stressed and worried and feeling so many feelings she thought she’d pushed down after all those months without sasuke.

“you’re right,” sakura says. “i--”

she falls silent at the sound of a knock on their apartment door. 

“are you expecting anyone?” ino asks.

“um.” sakura shakes her head. 

they both eye the backpack sasuke had given them and then walk over to it as quietly as possible, sakura’s steps quick and nimble, while ino’s gown swishes over the hardwood floors. sakura hands ino a gun and then takes one for herself. 

“do you ever know how to use one of these?” ino asks.

“do you?”

“daddy’s taken me to the shooting range before.”

“did you actually hit anything?”

“that is neither here nor there!”

deciding a gun is probably wasted on her, sakura puts the one she’d taken back into the backpack and grabs a knife instead.

“really?” ino hisses. “and you think you’re better off with that?”

“of course i am! with this i don’t need to risk forgetting a step or something. stop judging me!”

they decide that ino will wait behind the wall with her weapon drawn. naturally, this decision comes with ino posing in her gown with the gun and asking sakura is she looks like a bond girl, to which sakura points out why be a bond girl when you can be bond and fuck bond, on that note. 

“fine,” ino grumbles. “then i’ll be my own spy. with my own boys. ino boys.”

“that...that sounds so wrong.”

“don’t be jealous because i have a harem and you don’t.”

“your harem is hypothetical!”

“well your--”

the person knocks again, making them both jump. sakura nods and ino nods back. sakura hides the knife behind her back and goes over to the door. she unlocks it, turns the knob, and steps back to open it a fraction.

for a moment, sakura is elated, taking in a set of familiar dark eyes framed by dark hair. but then she concentrates, her joy fading as her vision sharpens. no, this isn’t sasuke. she swallows thickly, considering the man in front of her with lines of stress drawing down from his eyes. he looks older than sasuke, wiser, less brash, but definitely related. 

“good morning, miss haruno,” the man who isn’t sasuke greets pleasantly enough. “i am itachi.” he smiles, but there’s no mirth to it. the tug of his lips is grim. “sasuke’s brother.”

sakura feels herself shaking. “i didn’t realize sasuke had a brother.”

“i imagine sasuke didn’t tell you many things,” itachi replies. “may i come in?” 

it isn’t much of a request though, because he’s striding forward with such confidence that sakura feels obligated to step back. itachi closes the door behind him and locks it for good measure. he glances at the spot where ino is hiding and smiles wryly. he walks towards the kitchen, sakura following curiously, and ino joining as well.

“who the hell is that?” ino whispers with zero subtlety whatsoever.

“i’m sasuke’s older brother, itachi,” he replies instead of sakura.

ino just raises an eyebrow and tells sakura that he could be the first member of her hypothetical spy harem. 

in the kitchen, itachi pulls out three steubens. he pulls out a bottle of wine that ino and sakura hadn’t even noticed in the two weeks of them staying at this address. as he pours them all a glass, sakura wonders if she’s fallen into an alternate reality where the man she was so sure was going to propose to her on her birthday actually dumped her because he was an assassin with a lot of enemies, where she and her best friend were effectively in hiding because of said assassin ex, and where drinking red wine at ten in the morning with stranger would-be brother-in-laws was socially acceptable.

sakura holds her glass gingerly, but ino drinks it with zero shame. sakura shoots her a look of disbelief, which ino responds to with a scowl.

“what?”

“what if he’s trying to poison us?!”

“oh shit!” ino looks at her glass with wide eyes and then turns to itachi. “are you trying to poison us?!”

sakura smacks her forehead.

“no, of course not,” itachi replies. 

“why should we believe you?” ino asks, suddenly defensive.

itachi shrugs. “well, for one, you’re using my safe house.” he gestures to the living room that they’ve gotten much too comfortable in. “now,” he begins, sitting on the ivory wingback chair and looking so utterly regal, “let’s talk about sasuke.”

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Dreamin’ Sun v3

This took a bit longer to get to than I would have liked, but here we go. I’m still not entirely sure if I’ll keep up with this series in the long run, at least in terms of continuing to write about it on my blog, especially since apparently after about v5 we’re gonna be getting new volumes every three or so months rather than every two months, but I’m still really liking it for the time being, as a general tl;dr for my feelings on this volume.

Before I put the rest of this post under a cut, I want to take the time to recommend Ao no Flag to anyone that enjoys the themes of unrequited love and dreams for the future that are present in this manga, but want to see it done in a more serious, bittersweet way, and with a cast that has some gay characters in it. Even though Ao no Flag is done in a shonen magazine, and has some emphasis placed on a sports sub-plot happening in the mid-ground, it’s written in a way that I think would still appeal to people who like shoujo manga. So if you like this manga and want to see the same sorts of ideas handled in a different sort of way, please check it out. [I imagine that most people following me right now are already reading it, but still].

Anyway I’ll just put the rest of this under a cut, like always.

I guess I’ll just start with the bad stuff first and work my way up to the good stuff, just to get the negatives out the way.

I’m just gonna cut right to the chase and say that I hope the manga isn’t seriously setting up a Shimana/Taiga romance. I don’t know at this point whether or not that’s how this will end, but I hope it’s not. I don’t think it’d make me outright drop the series, but still. I just don’t like the idea of it. I’m fine with the basic concept of her developing a crush on him since that’s understandable, but it’s the idea of them hypothetically ending up in an actual relationship that grosses me out. I mean, on top of the age gap, there’s the fact that Taiga is Shimana’s landlord, and even if she could easily move back in with her parents if she needed to, that’s still a level of power imbalance that really doesn’t sit right with me. And then there’s the fact that the story puts a fair bit of focus on how he has a fatherly sort of relationship with her at the moment, so that kinda puts me even further off this whole idea. I’m holding back my reservations for now since we’re only a few volumes in and this might be a short-lived subplot and not an endgame thing, but I’m still keeping an eye on it. Though on the one hand, I guess that at the very least, continuing my trend of mentally comparing Taiga to Shigure from Fruits Basket, I’d technically be less angry at this potential outcome than I was about who that guy ended up with.

[Also just to be clear, me talking about my fears about how this might pan out aren’t an invitation for spoilers. I know this manga’s been finished for several years but I don’t know how it ends and I’d rather not be spoiled if I could avoid it]

On the topic of negatives, I don’t really mean this as a serious complaint, but the relative lack of Asahi screentime and complete lack of Miku screentime was kinda sad. I want to see more of those two.

I’m really not sure how I feel about Ken as of now. I feel like I got a bit of a wrong impression of him based on the bonus pages at the end of v1, so his actual personality really threw me off. I don’t think he’s a horrible person or anything, but I at least dislike his creepy attitude toward Shimana. It’s just kinda gross and unnecessary. I appreciate that he isn’t as bad of a brother to Zen as he seemed at first, mostly in that he’s trying to push him away in order to keep him from throwing his life away for his sake, rather than because he just hates Zen’s goals in life, but it’s not really enough for me to like him all that much. I hope he’ll grow on me. I’m curious to see how the whole subplot with him getting back into boxing and fighting his old friend turns out, but it kinda started right at the end of the volume so there’s not much to say about it.

Getting into the stuff that I really, truly liked about this volume, the rest of the content of this volume was basically just Zen 24/7 which I was kinda afraid of, going in, but this volume really made me love him, even more than I already did. I still have ambivalent feelings on him as a love interest for Shimana, but as an individual character he’s adorable and I love him. As soon as I saw him in the rain with his hair flattened down I was like ‘oh no he’s cute’, and basically it just went from there.

He’s just a complete tsundere dork in all the ways I love in a character. He can be kinda genuinely shitty at times, but there was a fair bit less of that in this volume. Most of it was spent with him being flustered and/or crying and/or angry at his brother, all of which I enjoyed seeing.

I knew that he had some sort of an unrevealed dream in life, but I wasn’t expecting him to want to be a manga artist. On the one hand it doesn’t quite fit his boyish, sporty attitude, but at the same time he’s drawing sports manga so it kinda balances out. It’s pretty cute, but also kinda sad, that he’s obviously basing his boxing manga idea off of his brother. In general, I hope he can eventually come to embrace and pursue his interest in it.

Which kinda tangentially gets me into the whole romance development [sort of] that happens between him and Shimana in this volume. I really like how, even if it didn’t really play out like Zen wanted, Shimana still wants to be there to support him in pursuing his dream. I just like that even after the events of this volume they’re still friends. I expected the whole kiss by the river to lead to more drama and avoidance between them, but it played out in an almost weirdly casual way. I still really do love how much the characters in this communicate their feelings to each other, as I’ve said before, but the two of them seemed to be a bit unrealistically transparent with each other in that whole scene.

Also on the note of positive communication between characters, I like that Shimana apologized to her friends about her outburst at them earlier, and I really like that they all apologized back to her and acknowledged that they were being pushy and rude. Even if it did lead into one of the many, many ‘characters assume that Shimana and Taiga are dating’ jokes in this volume, which was . . . certainly a thing that happened several times.

Back on the note of Zen, I find it weirdly amusing that he’s really skinny, considering that he seems to enjoy exercising. It’s endearing in a way that I can’t quite explain.

I have a feeling that even though he and Shimana came to a pretty clear ‘let’s just be friends’ agreement at the end of the volume, he’s probably going to keep trying to win her over, which I have mixed feelings about. I kinda just want him to move on, especially since I still think he’s the least likely of the main three guys to actually end up with her, and so him continuing to be framed as a love interest/rival would feel a bit pointless. We’ll see.

I hope that the story hasn’t completely dropped Asahi as a potential love interest. I get that they also came to a similar sort of understanding that they won’t end up together, but still. I’m just kinda biased because he’s my favourite guy, in terms of them as love interests. So it’d be kinda sad if that just sorta got dropped after two volumes. And even more so if he got dropped in favour of setting up an uncomfortable age gap romance, if that’s where this is going.

I’m curious to see where the whole background plot with the whole legal case is going to go, since that’s still a thing that’s happening. Hopefully they can successfully challenge the ruling.

I don’t think I have much to say about Taiga in this volume other than everything I’ve said about the idea of him being framed as a love interest. But I like that we’re slowly learning more about him, and seeing some more of his old friends. There’s clearly meant to still be lingering mysteries about what his deal is, though I’m still not entirely sure what to expect from that.

I’m also kinda worried that the whole subplot of sorts about him ‘having a fear of women’ is gonna be resolved in a really boring and generic way, and that a large part of his backstory and ‘mystery’ might just be tied up in him having some kind of angst over, like, an ex-girlfriend that made him get all scorned and bitter about women in general when she left. I’m kinda bracing myself for something like that. And that it’ll probably be resolved by him ‘finding the right girl’, and/or maybe getting some sort of petty revenge on the hypothetical girl who hypothetically hurt him. Who knows. It won’t really bug me much one way or another, but I feel like I’ve seen this sort of subplot a thousand times before and so I feel like I can see it all in advance. It’s not an inherently bad thing, it just feels a bit predictable and lame.

I feel like this post ended up more negative in tone than I expected, but oh well. I did really enjoy most of this volume. Mostly all of the adorable scenes with Zen.

For the most part this manga still feels like a more diluted and light-hearted version of other stuff I’ve read, but that’s not really a bad thing. I tend to gravitate toward things that are kinda heavy and depressing, so it’s nice to have things like this that are just cute and fun. I have a big soft spot for fluffy shoujo rom-coms like this, and so this is kinda exactly what I wanted from it.

But yes I’m going to reiterate my Ao no Flag recommendation for anyone who wants to see more of a serious and heavy take on ideas like unrequited love between teenagers. I mean I’m not gonna deny that for the most part I just want as many people as possible to read that series in general since it’s great, but you get what I mean.

In terms of things that are more similar in genre and tone to this, Fruits Basket is still basically the quintessential shoujo rom-com, but it’s such a long-standing and well-known part of the genre/demographic that it feels almost pointless to recommend it to anyone. It’s still worth reading though, if you want something like this series that’s more lengthy, more emotional, more supernatural, and with a larger cast than this series, while still being a shoujo rom-com through and through.

Hopefully I enjoy v4 when that comes out. Which I guess won’t be too far from now since it took me a while to get the time to read this one.

[aiwannadrawit]

Time: Friday 25 th

Place: Art Department

Between: Desmond & Anabelle

Plot: Desmond and Belle hang out a bit and Des learns of the issues between the people important to him

There's still so much to do, enough to have Belle's appointment book and day planner overflowing with notes and dates and assignments. She drops both books on one of the tables in the studio, along with a bag full of gigantic hardcover textbooks for the upcoming semester. Rubbing the back of her neck, she flops into a chair beside Desmond to look over his class schedule, more awkward with him now since the fight with Alex but trying her damndest not to take it out on her relationship with her favorite person in the department. "You should take the afternoon life modeling class on Wednesday, I'm doing the modeling again this semester. The professor brings in donuts and keeps a space heater on in winter so it doesn't feel like an ice box. Who do you have for animation?"

Desmond had been feeling pretty good so far. He had his whole thing with Alex and they talked, which was really needed now that he thought about it and now he could focus on other things. Like stuff going on with Belle. He knew she was busy, with the wedding, the kids, and everything else. He couldn't really imagine how she kept her head on straight but he commended her efforts. He scratched at his chin, "I dunno...I do so much life modeling already," he mumbled, mostly to himself as he thought of the countless sketchbooks with people in them. But really...taking it again couldn't hurt. "Uuuuh," he blinked searching his head for a name. "I lost it...but the paper's somewhere in my bag...I dunno."

"Yeah, but not with me. I'm the best." She grinned, tilting her head to beam at him cheekily, then looked back at the papers in front of them. "I'm thinking about the graphic design 101 thing and dropping journalism. Would be nice to be able to do my own marketing instead of subcontracting..." She leaned against him, head tilting to his shoulder. So many things had been changing in her life, it was nice to have something that felt normal. "Someone said they saw you hanging out with...whats his name. Rolan? What's up there?"

"I got you to pose covered in glitter though?" He laughed. He thought about it. "Sounds smart, best to cut out the middle man and all that jazz. Plus...if you really wanted you could always pick journalism back up some time later." He smiled at the relaxed feel of it all tilting his own head slightly to rest it on top of hers. "Hm...don't know any Rolans. Unless you meant Riley. Then nothing really," he grinned, "he's a new friend of mine." He took small moment. "You're okay? With all the planning and stuff? You don't need any help?" He kind of like a jerk for only asking this now, but he felt partially intrusive when she had so much going on. Even though he knew that wasn't really the case in the end.

"That was photography, not drawing," she pointed out, but smiled at the memory. It felt like she's ago now. "Eh, I was only in it for fun and to do the advice column. It ran its course." She tried to picture a Riley in her head, the image clicking with another notable redhead on the school's Instagram radar. He was cute, and available if she remembered right. "New friend with potential?" She nudged his side a little, hoping that the issue with Alex's public displays with another guy and everything that had happened since had finally put him off of the older man. "No, it's fine actually. Easier than I thought it would be, I just stuck some post it's in a magazine and gave them to my planner and Mitchell. All I have to do is show up and look pretty. You're coming, right? For sure?"

Desmond shrugged, he couldn't argue that. "Oh, so you're not gonna be offering up advice anymore? Those were always fun to read." Desmond couldn't help but to roll his eyes. "Potential for what," he asked in feigned ignorance. Though...he was still very much looking forward to his blowjob at some point. He let out a sigh of relief himself. "Whew, glad it's all so simple. I used to watch those wedding reality shows when I was younger. They always kinda looked like a nightmare. And of course I'm coming. Wouldn't miss it for the world."

Belle gave him a withering, if affectionate, look. "You know what. Are you seeing him? Or anyone really? Gotta know if you're bringing a date to the wedding," she tacked on as an excuse for her nosy prying. She stood up to stretch out her lower back and walk around the table, sitting on it instead and laying back so that she's looking at him upside down. She finally cut to the chase, even though it wasn't an easy conversation. "Are you still seeing Alex?"

"Oh is that all," he shook his head. "Well no I'm not seeing him... though I did end up blowing him." He mumbled that last part. "And I wasn't planning on bringing a date to the wedding. Except maybe Kuroko's if she's allowed." Desmond looked down at her, an eyebrow raising at her question. "Yeah..." He said slowly almost cautious. "I last spoke to him Tuesday...he's been gone for a bit."

Belle gasped out loud at the admission in false shock, but real delight. "He's cute, good on you." Unfortunately, that apparently didn't mean that things were off between him and the music professor. She couldn't hide the grimace. "Of course you can bring her. Can I ask why? He's not exactly claiming you in public, unless I missed something major. And it's been what, six months? Longer?" There was clear bias and distaste in her voice, she still hadn’t gotten over the argument, what she thought of as the last of several straws.

Desmond smirked, "He is cute." He nodded, glad this was pet friendly affair since he had gotten her a suit and everything. The grimace surprised him. "Almost a year I guess, and...he doesn't have to claim anything. We're not dating." He narrowed his eyes at her tone of voice, the shift in mood making him frown. "What's up you huh?"

"He's not dating anyone, as far as I know, but that doesn't mean he's not out with other people. It just seems...unfair. Especially considering his gripe with you telling me about the two of you. Since he was going to so much effort to keep you a secret but has no problem making out with someone at a public school event." Sighing, she sat up and turned on the table, crossing her legs to sit in front of him. "Not long ago he showed his true colors to me, that's all. He's and trust me when I say I don't use the word lightly, an asshole."

"He was," he took a deep breath. "He was doing that for my benefit. And that---" he waved a hand in relation to the incident, "was dealt with. We talked about it already. He can do whatever he wants and I can do whatever I want." He was being defensive, he knew, but they-- him and Alex-- had a really good and needed conversation. He thought they were in a better place than they had been when he left. "I know he's an asshole," he said, "what he do to you?"

Belle hesitated. Desmond was obviously still defending Alex, and she didn't feel like getting into another fight with someone she considered a friend - but she also wasn't about to lie and say that it was no big deal, when it was. "Aside from sticking his opinions where they didn't belong, being patronizing and implying that Mal and I don't have the kids' best interests at heart, he told me that I'm setting a bad example for them and that my upbringing was bad, apparently because I had a nanny. He made Mal think that the government would take the kids from us if we hired help, if I didn't quit school and work and stay home with them. Here." She leaned over to pull her phone from her bag, finding the conversation with Alex, and the screencaps she'd taken of what he'd told Mal, and handed it over to Desmond. "Full disclosure, I said some harsh things. I meant it."

Desmond read through the whole text conversation twice and then skimmed it a third time. This was...bad. Which, in and of itself, an understatement. But...from what he had read... Desmond sighed and handed her her phone back, sitting back in his seat. Well...he certainly could figure out what had Alex so upset that day. "Really? You'd try to end his career?"

Belle shrugged. "Maybe. It wouldn't be unwarranted, with his behavior lately. Unprofessional doesn't even begin to cover it." She paused, shaking her head. "They're my kids. I'm not going to let anyone put it into Mal's head that someone else will be taken away from him, that he's an unfit father. Marcus is old enough to understand things, if Alex said anything like that around him, implied that we don't care about him, it could kill the trust we're trying to build. So yes, if it came down to losing my family or Alex losing his job, I would."

Desmond didn't know anything about courts or child custody or anything else in that ball park. But Desmond didn't get that vibe from the conversations. At least not so much so that Alex was trying to destroy their family. "Job and career aren't the same thing."

"I could wreck his career or his job, and I would do either if he insulted my family again. I've done worse for less, and I tend to be...mellowed out these days, but I don't take it lightly when someone goes after the people I care about." She held her hand out for her phone. "We did nothing to him and he went on the attack because of how we're choosing to navigate a situation he can't know anything about, but that he decided he was the authority on because, what? He almost had a child? It's not a hypothetical for us, and it's none of his business to insult us over."

Desmond didn't see it as an attack. An unwarranted opinion that didn't go over too well, but not an outright attack. He didn't think throwing out the fact that he didn't have a kid was appropriate though. This whole situation was messy though. He ended up shrugging. "Okay." This certainly turned his mood sour. But he didn't want to start a big scale argument, even if he thought Bell was out of line and overreacting on some accounts. "Well, it's over now, yeah?"

Belle: Belle measured her words carefully - she didn't want to insult Desmond, he wasn't a part of all this. He was, in that he was seeing, if not dating, Alex still but he wasn't the one insulting her or her future husband. "I don't particularly want to be around him anymore. Ambivalence is about the best I can do." She paused, considering. "If he comes at my kids or my parenting style again, I won't be ambivalent anymore. Besides that, yes. I suppose it's over."

Desmond nodded slowly, "Well that's fine." He said; ambivalence wasn't so bad and he was sure with the way the conversation had gone Alex wouldn't be too keen on getting involved again. "So are you banning him from your wedding?"

Belle grimaced at that. The problem was that it wasn't just her wedding, and Mal didn't seem so inclined to burn bridges as she was. "If Mal wants him there, he can come." She shook her head. "I've ignored people with less to distract me. As long as he doesn't throw another fit of snapping at my guests, I don't care."

Desmond frowned at her second grimace of their conversation, but he supposed it was only fair. "I'm sure that won't be an issues," he said simply and then opted for a lighter conversation topic. "Do you wanna see Kuroko's in her suit?"

Belle brightened once the subject changed, though she was significantly less present, more guarded and defensive than before. "Of course! You got a little suit for her? That's amazing, I didn't know they made cat suits. Well...not that kind, anyway."

Desmond smiled, though he could feel the shift in her."Yup, they make all kinds of clothes for cats and the like. I wanted to get her a little flowers to go with it too, but I was worried she would try to eat it or something."

"Send my pictures, I'll make sure she gets some lilacs if they're safe for cats." She glanced at her watch, hopping off the table and gathering up her things. "I have a meeting with the new department head. You'll call me if you need anything?"

"Oooh...lilacs would be great." He nodded and sat back, picketing his phone and sighed. "Okay and yeah I will...you just do the same."

[theepicnarcoleptic]

I haven’t written in a while, and I think it’s important that I do.

I’m feeling smothered

dating you is triggering. 

Despite what you say, it seems like you’re looking for something to hold on to. 

You still have photos of you, and your ‘ex’ on FB. 

Which I read as two things: You want the world to know that you’re okay. That she and the relationship were a meaningful part of your life, you’re afraid that deleting them would be like pretending it never happened. (And it’s not like it was all bad, I’m sure.) But you’d feel guilty, and as if you were admitting to the world that it failed, or that you were hurt. Or that you hurt someone else.

And that you haven’t worked through it, or your not over her. 

Or that you’re tryna convey that you jus dun give a fuc

Even if it had been you who had done the breaking up, (or whatever.)

You said to me “I was the bad guy in the relationship.”

And someone once told me that when someone tells you something about them self, something deep, something warning, you should listen to them. 

I’m not sure I want to know what that means, but I’ll listen to it.

I’m a big girl. And granted, I can be left to my own devices. I can be alone and even prefer for it to be that way, but, I don’t know... 

I wish you hadn’t offered for me meet your family. I know you intended on being polite, but after 3 dates, that’s too soon for me. And it was triggering...

But cumulatively, you left me alone for an hour, waiting for our date, (I don’t know if that was a date,) to begin. I know you didn’t realize that I was even there yet, and you expressed not wanting to leave me by myself for too long, but you did. Ten minutes turned into a half an hour. 

(And if that had happened to one of my friends, I would’ve just told them to leave.)

Earlier today, when we facetimed, you said something to the effect of, ‘In the passed 3 weeks I’ve facetimed with you more than I’ve ever facetimed with anyone in my whole life.’ And it made me uncomfortable. (maybe you’re saying that you like me, and that’s why you’re facetiming with me, or maybe you’re half joking, and are annoyed...?) 

I don’t really know. But I was trying to get in contact with you, so I could make space, and time in my life, (while making space and time in my life) to spend time with you, and for us to get to know each other better. 

Maybe it’s cause you’d been drinking, which is also a red flag, (when it’s a couple days in a row, and you’ve lost track of time//can’t remember when you last saw me.) --But when I was talking to you, and asked you what you thought, about my inviting you to an event... asking you if you’d like for me to get you a ticket, and then you straight up ignored me, it was pretty rude. 

I mean you did say, that you had thought that I was just talking to myself. But you didn’t ask about, or confirm, if you had heard anything that I had said, when I asked you. 

Earlier, when I asked if you had a minute to work things out, schedule and calendar-wise, you said ‘yes’. 

But you could’ve said no.

So why did you say yes? 

If you didn’t have the time, and had to go out of your way//remove yourself from whatever it was that you were doing... with you’re friends at a bar, why didn’t you just say, ‘sorry, I’m a bit busy at the moment, but lets talk about this when I get home, or have the time.’

You sketch, boi. You sketch.

And I can’t tell if you’re looking to me for something to hold onto, or for someone to hold on to you. 

--Or if you genuinely like me, and//or I’m just ‘fucked up’, (for a lack of eloquence.)

And so, this is triggering. 

I mean I don’t truly think I’m fucked up, or ‘unworthy of love’ as I have explicitly been told all my life, and made to feel,

but I do want to date, and to have meaningful, and intimate relationships with people. 

And sometimes I want to feel supported, and to trust people, or to not feel alone. 

But, by myself, 

I can be happy. It’s what I know, and it’s easier.

I don’t need another person. 

But sometimes when I would like to be with another person, I push them away. And I often don’t even know it, but at the same time, I do make an effort, (when it’s within reason, and my comfort level) to not do so. I’m trying.

And I can’t tell what it is that you want from me, and I know that not trusting ppl is a byproduct of my experiences, but you’re treating me in ways that few have. And I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t like feeling like that, or feeling the pressure to not do things wrong, or to do them correctly. Nor do I enjoy being confronted with the past so frequently and unexpectedly. It’s traumatic for me. Most of what I know about you, feels like the antithesis of my experiences. I can imagine what it’s like, and I relate to some things more than others, but. It’s hard.

I mean why are you offering to take me places where a cocktail is $30 dollars?? Or a lobsta’s a hundred and fifty? I mean, I neva even ate a lobsta before. It’s nice to not worry about money, and to feel like you can do anything with somebody. But, you need to stop. 

I need you to stop it.

I guess, I’m flattered and it’s a nice thought but. Like I said, I get a panic attack just sittin’ in a hot tub. 

People have made me feel bad for being poor, and I know that I shouldn’t, but sometimes, I still do, and it can be embarrassing, bc I’ve been poor my whole life, and I’m sometimes worried that I’ll be poor for the rest of my life. And that shit’s not fun.  

And despite you’re honesty, regarding your emo-well being spent, I’m getting mixed messages here. It seem’s like you don’t really know what you want. 

--You’re either trying to impress me... Or money’s no object... 

but like, 

whatchu tryna do wit that??

--You’ve felt the need to tell me that you’ve only been in long term relationships, and that you’re exploring ‘X, Y, & Z’ right now, yet you hadn’t asked me about my own experiences, (which is probably best, cause, my divulging that kind of information can take time...) 

--And I appreciate you confiding in me and giving me the opportunity to make an informed decision as for how to proceed... 

But you also mentioned that as far as time, and cultivating some sort of relationship whatever it may be: 

you ‘don’t even know who you’re spending Christmas with this year.’ 

And... I’m...

not sure what that means, 

Or why you’re saying it to me. 

I guess, it’s nice that you have options... 

Last Christmas, I think I went to go see Star Wars, and ate movie theater nachos for dinner, or maybe, I went to work, cause I didn’t want to face the reality, that my family’s not really my family, (at least when their family’s around.) Or the fact that I’ll never feel what it’s like to be in that kind of a position, or to have that kind of a relationship with my own parents. 

But, yeah... like, why are you telling me this? Is there some sort of hypothetical Christmas situation where you think that you might feel obligated to spend time with me? Or like you might want to spend time with me? Or do you think that I might want to spend time with you? (like, for Christmas?) 

I don’t really get it...?

I barely know you.

I mean, I have a general idea of who you are. But I don’t really know you.

Writing this has helped for me to get some perspective. I’m still un-packaging my thoughts. I definitely need some time-space by myself right now. But I’m feeling a bit better. 

A little less uncomfortable with the fact that you’re following me on instagram...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could say:

‘Do you think we could just email instead?’ 

I like you but, I don’t like texting with you. 

Even on the computer. Unless, it’s really necessary. 

Sometimes after we talk, it feels like I got hit by a bus.

It’s too easy for my mouth to run away from me. And when I text, and you don’t respond for a while, it’s not pleasant either. And it confuses me. I know that you have a life. As do I. And I know that there are a multitude of things going on in your world rn... But getting to know you in this way, or letting you get to know me like this, just doesn’t feel good, or right. And I need to take a step back from it. 

I appreciate your taking the time to ‘hang out’ with me via text, and it’s nice that you listen. And I enjoy seeing your cute face, but, let’s make our time spent together, time in Real Life.

Sure, we may think of each other from time to time, and want to get in contact because we may be in each others thoughts, or horny, or something. 

But. I’d prefer to email/video chat. 

I hope you’re okay with that, (bc I like getting to know you,) but please take some time to think about it. And you don’t have to respond, or have to talk to me about it, unless you want to.

--because, for me, you’re inaction, or the action of making plans would suffice. (That’s all I'd really like anyway, is to spend time with you, and get to know you.) And I understand that you don’t really know how things’ll work out, day to day... But, it’s just, a lot, y’know? 

It’s like we’re on two different planes of reality.

Or, like, ones, actual, and ones virtual.

Or like, maybe, it’s just me who’s in two different places... --sometimes it feels like they start to merge, and others, it feels like I exist in respective bubbles.

I’m sure that the things of which I say and do, are all aspects of me, but I don’t feel in control. And I feel vulnerable when I don’t want to be. And for me, it is very uncomfortable. In time that might change, (sometimes, I wish it would,) but... I’m not there yet.

Also, it might be of note that for the passed 7 years, my relationships have been mostly sexual in nature. Each was intimate and unique, but they were very different from whatever it is that’s going on here.

And I'm not trying to gas your head up, nor do I intend to leave you with nothing left to do, but walk on eggshells. But, you mentioned that you’ve recently been in some long term monogamous relationships. And maybe there’s some vestiges of that. Or maybe you just do and say certain things that I haven’t done, said, heard, or observed for a while, and so they come off as really alien, and intense for me, as well as, intimidating.

Or maybe you’re just nice, (and I’m not used to it.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wish I had an answer, so I could just stop being like this.

So getting to know you could feel more natural. And nice and fun.

But I just get really overwhelmed, quite easily. And then sometime it starts to make me mad. And then, I don’t know what to do with that, and in turn, it can effect my physical health. I have to be very careful. Because even nice//happy and pleasant experiences, emotions in general can cause me to become sick. (go into paralysis, fall asleep suddenly, I basically just lose control over my body, and it’s really embarrassing. It makes me feel weak and even worthless. And I guess I’m also scared of that.

So in addition to whatever I've explicitly told you about my life, and to whatever you may have gleamed from it... (I may, or may not have neglected to tell you... but you may have noticed that,) when I feel feelings, it feels like I am going to die... 

It used to be that whenever I expressed a feeling, or if my feelings were visible to other people, it would feel like I was just going to die. But at some point it changed. And now, it's as if, I broke the seal and they just come pouring out. Or they sit inside of me and marinate, while I am conscious of them. Or I subconsciously, swallow them. And I keep swallowing them until they're 'gone' and there's nothing's left.

And occasionally my feelings resurface and manifest in a way that is hurtful to others, or hurtful to myself.

And this is the result of a number of things:

1 familial repression

2 institutions, systems. (Being institutionalized at a really young age and being punished for expressing myself in any way.)

3 physical abuse and neglect

4 weaponized guilt

5 internalized guilt

6 being on meds while my brain was developing//during a time when kids learn how to express their feelings//Never having an example for how to do that appropriately//being too doped up to even have feelings in the first place.

7 panic disorder//trauma

8 narcolepsy

9 conflict in feelings//needing time to work them out and to recognize, reflect and articulate them.

10 alienation, weakness, reinforced notions and the like.

_______________________________________________________________________

I felt embarrassed for telling you this, and especially in such a dorky way. 

“1...”

“2...”

“3...”

Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to copy and paste.

But I’m glad I did it. 

I’m gonna make as many mistakes as possible. I’m going for the gold. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On our first date, you touched me.

By the end of the night you called me ‘baby’.

You wanted me to meet your family by the third time we had hung out.

And you wanted me to meet you friends...

And you were happy to meet mine.

Yet we never even had sex.

Every time you sang, it felt like you were singing for me... or maybe to me... or because of me. Well probably, it was more so, if anything, because of the moment. Because we we’re having a nice time. I thought we were having a nice time.

I mean, I’m sure that you also just like to sing.

But none of it was clear...  

to either of us :(

You’re skin against my skin, I liked it.

I know I had a funny way of showing it though, 

(my interest in you.)

“I honestly couldn’t even tell if you liked me”, he said. 

But I still couldn’t even dignify that with a “Yes. I like you.”, because, ha-ha, 

I didn’t even realize that I liked you until I was already pushing you away.

Dude, I really gotta get better at this.

...you invited me to the Hamptons. 

It was last minute, though :/

We met whenever you were in the neighborhood, and it was convenient for you.

I’m happy that you were thinking of me. 

But you often invited me to do things with your friends. And it seemed like you didn’t really want to spend time together, alone. 

Yet, you were able, and interested enough, to make the time to see, and attend everything else on your social calendar. 

But you couldn’t make plans with me. 

Maybe that was your way of not letting me in.

It’s a bummer, it didn’t work out. 

It was only a few dates, though. 

**weakly smiles**

It’s not like, we were created with 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 heads, and 2 faces, only to be cut in half, and left wandering the earth, aching to become whole again.

But I would’ve at least liked to have given it a real shot. Even something fucking casual, a synthesis of our expectations. To feel something comfortable, and uncomfortable at the same time, I would’ve liked.

It just took me a while to accept that I really liked you. And to figure out, why I wanted to spend time with you, and what that really meant.

Like I said. It’s complicated. 

But, like, yo. When is it an appropriate time to be like, “lol, my step-dad used to water board me.” Or “my foster uncle used to touch me. Or I was raped by a girl, who I thought was my friend. Or how about that time my mom “accidentally” kicked me off my bed, and never took me to the doctor, even though I was vomiting, and bleeding because I probably had a concussion... the first, second, and third time, she did it. 

Like when is any of that okay to tell someone ever? 

Like, 

anyone, I’ve ever confided in about anything remotely relevant, --acts like I’m a fucking weirdo, and becomes speechless, or disgusted...

And then when I go into detail, because that’s the only way that I know how to talk about these things, they start to wince, as if they’re in pain, and they tell me to stop. And then it just gets awkward. (Unless, they’ve had something similar happen to them. But that usually just pans out into an oppression olympics. And tbh, that shit ain’t cool either.

Sometimes I wish the things that happened to me, never happened to me. And sometimes, I don’t.

I guess all of this is why it’s such a bummer. Because I don’t really know what I did wrong, and why we weren’t “clicking”. I suspect it’s because, y’know. I made you feel unwanted. And because you’re not ready to be w sumptin’ so “heavy”. Or maybe you just weren’t feelin’ it.

But, I opened up to you, too much, too late, at the wrong time, and in the wrong place. Because I felt like it might be okay if I did. And because I wanted it to be okay.

But it wasn’t, and yeah, 

that’s pretty much it.