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poesparakeet-fics · 3 years ago

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Here you go, you thirsty beasts.

This one got long so it’s a 2 parter! It’s SFW, so enjoy it at the link or here in the post.

Chapters: 1/2 Fandom: Critical Role (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Caduceus Clay & The Mighty Nein, Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre, Caduceus Clay & Mollymauk Tealeaf, Caduceus Clay & Yasha Characters: Caduceus Clay, Jester Lavorre, Mollymauk Tealeaf, Yasha (Critical Role), Nott | Veth Brenatto Additional Tags: Tickling, Revenge, Shrinking, wild magic mishaps, safeword, Teasing Summary:

Caduceus has made a habit of tickling some of his companions, be it as a cheer-up, a settle-down or a playful punishment. When a mishap with some wild magic makes his smaller than his friends, a few decide to get a little revenge.

FIC

Caduceus didn’t mind arcane magic most of the time, after all, Caleb used his with great expertise. But he was getting real tired of wild magic, real fast.

When Jester had cast her guiding bolt she’d gotten butterflies, for Mother’s sake. He’d tried to heal Fjord and saw everything around him start to stretch and grow. They kept fighting, of course. It wasn’t until the last of the shrieking horrors was lying dead that he realized what had actually happened.

The world hadn’t grown, he had shrunk. Which was, to be fair, easier to deal with. Still, he was feeling pretty sorry for himself as he sat with his feet dangling from the side of their kitchen table, now only a few inches taller than Veth.

A visiting Shadowhand was peering at Caduceus with a small frown on his face before scratching his head and sighing.

“Alright. The bad news is, I don’t think we can dispel it. Jester said you tried a restoration spell?”

Caduceus nodded glumly.

“Well the good news is, it will almost certainly wear off. The spell is using energy to maintain this form in you, it will run out of that energy eventually. But… I cannot tell you how long it will last. Based on the rate of decay I would guess a few days but that is some conjecture on my part.”

Caduceus let out a sigh.

“Thank you for your help, Essek. I guess I’ll just have to live with my current… uh… change in perspective for the time being.”

“Yes, a good attitude to keep. I’m sure it’s been a long time since you were that small.”

“Huh. Yeah, I guess I would have been a baby. Maybe I’ll ask Veth for pointers.”

“I think that all of her advice will involve climbing, Herr Clay. You might need to make your own way.” Caleb chuckled from his seat nearby. He was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He had been watching Caduceus like he was a puzzle, but now he was smiling, having been assured that the situation wasn’t too serious.

“Yeah, you might be right.”

Caduceus hopped off the table, turning to see Caleb smothering a little half smile. Caduceus pointed a finger accusingly.

“You cut that out.”

“I’m very sorry. It’s just… it is very cute.”

…

“Caduceus, can I hug you?”

Yasha had walked through covered in rainwater not ten minutes before, but she’d returned in dry clothes. Caduceus, about halfway through drinking a now comically large mug of tea, looked up to meet her gaze. He could see the little haunt of loneliness in her eyes that sometimes creeped in, even in a house full of lovers.

“Yeah, of course.”

He put his tea down carefully before hopping off his seat. He started to pass her into the living room, but Yasha sat at the table and pulled him into her lap instead.

“Woah!”

“Sorry!” Yasha rushed out, “I didn’t mean to surprise you! You were lighter than I thought you’d be!”

“It’s OK,” Caduceus assured her, “I’m just not used to being picked up.”

Yasha wrapped him up in her arms. “Is this alright?”

He relaxed as she coiled herself around him, face buried in his soft hair.

“Yeah. That’s very nice.” Being held so literally felt old and new at the same time.

Yasha nuzzled his head. “I’ve wanted to do this since you shrunk. I love you when you’re big, but it’s so nice to get to squeeze you for once!”

Caduceus chuckled. “It’s nice to be squeezed, honestly.”

“And you’re so cute! I just want to eat you up! Omnomnom!”

Caduceus felt his whole spine twist on instinct when Yasha gnawed playfully at the back of his neck.

“No-ho!” He squeeked, so high pitched that both of them froze in shock.

“Aw, Caduceus…”

“... It would be really unfair to tickle me. Just because you’re bigger than me now--” He was cut off when he had to press his lips together to smother another peel of laughter.

Yasha grinned with her teeth still pressed against his skin.

“I dunno, you tickle the others plenty.”

“Because they need it!”

“Hehe. I think that’s probably true, but they never get you back because you’re always so scared of hurting them by accident. Isn’t that because you’re bigger than them?”

She blew a raspberry on the side of his neck that made him squeal far too loud. He heard approaching footsteps.

“No no no nonono!” He squeaked when he realized what they meant.

Jester bounded through the door first, magnetically drawn to any ticklish sounds in her vicinity. She stopped in her tracks when she walked into the kitchen to see a smiling Yasha with a giggling fun-sized firbolg in her lap, now curled in a desperate little ball within her embrace to avoid the fingers pinching at his tummy.

“Oh my goodness, is little Caduceus ticklish?”

“Nohoho!” Caduceus tried to plead or run, but his laughter was blocking the former and a meaty arm was blocking the latter.

“Mmhmm,” Yasha answered with one hand clawing his belly, not even out of breath for the effort she was expanding to thwart his escape, “I think big Caduceus is too, he’s just easier to tickle now.”

Molly and Veth stumbled in behind Jester. Molly had a grin on his face, coming to stand behind her and rest his chin on her shoulder. His eyes narrowed.

“Hey, he’s being real loud, eh?”

“Huh?” Jester answered.

“Well, it seems like he might need to settle down a little.”

“Ooh,” Jester giggled, “I think you’re right Molly!”

Caduceus felt a cold chill splash down his back. Sure, he’d seen this coming, but it didn’t stop the escalation of shivery, giggly panic through his system. And running was not working out for him.

“Well,” Molly purred, “Isn’t it lucky that we have such well established guidelines for getting someone to settle down.”

Caduceus switched gears, climbing further into Yasha’s lap instead and clinging to her shoulders.

“Please! Don’t let them get me!”

“I dunno…” Yasha teased as the tieflings stalked closer.

“No! Yasha, they’ll kill me!”

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t let them kill you. But you do deserve this just a little, don’t you?” Yasha lowered her voice, all but whispering in his velvety ear, “Don’t forget, licorice works for you too.”

Caduceus whimpered. Ok, so did he deserve it? Yes. Probably. A little. Had there been a few times where he’d tickled a tiefling to pieces less because they needed to settle down and more because it was fun? Maybe. Perhaps. A couple of times, tops.

He took a deep breath to try and steel himself, shutting his eyes tight in the hopes that not seeing them coming would somehow save him. Yasha chuckled in his ear, seeming to sense his acceptance of this fate.

“Heh. OK,” she whispered in his ear.

Fingers as strong as barrel bands gripped his ankles and Yasha stood up. The world spun. Balance upended, Caduceus eye’s shot open to see the devilish forms of his approaching friends as they cheered Yasha on, only upside- down. Yasha was hanging him by his ankles.

“Don’t be too mean or I’m eating tief toes for dinner, got it? He’s not used to it.”

Molly’s smile became razor sharp and Jester clapped her hands. Caduceus could only hug himself and try to keep his shirt from falling over his head.

“Not used to getting a taste of his own medicine, you mean? Seems to me that should be corrected.” Molly purred.

"Ah! Can we please talk about this?" Caduceus asked, the tiniest hint of a whine making its way into his usually rumbling voice.

"You can talk all you want, Caduceus!" Jester bent over to put her face next to his. She gave him a teasing wink before planting a sweet little kiss on his cheek.

"Veth?" He asked, looking pleadingly at his fellow (currently) small creature, "Solidarity? Please?"

Veth just laughed at him. "Nah."

"But you're going to help us though, right Veth?" Jester asked, voice full of mischief. "When will you get the chance to tickle Caduceus again?"

"Heh. Nah." The halfling answered, strolling out of the room. "I'm good, thanks."

"Humph." Jester pouted for a moment, but it quickly morphed into a wicked little smile as she reached out to tickle Caduceus' long velvety ears.

"Ahhahaha- hehe- ha... no... no... MOLLY GET AWAY FROM THERE!"

The other tiefling cackled with glee, pinching Caduceus' knees. The firbolg’s legs pumped on reflex, his body wiggling like a worm on a hook.

"So loud! You're not settled yet, love, just relax."

"I wahahahas born settled!"

"Oh reeeally? Jester teased him, hands jumping up to poke and pinch at his ribs, effortlessly dodging any attempt he made to block her. "Then why are you so loud and wiggly, huh?"

'B-because you- eeheeheehee! Tiheheheckles!"

"Does it?" Molly taunted, dropping down to Jester's level and fluttering his hands across his belly.

"Yehehes!"

"Excellent!" Molly cheered, before grabbing the hem of Caduceus' shirt and yanking it down over his head.

Caduceus squawked, temporarily blinded by the homespun linen that was now tangled around his elbows. He started to fight with it, trying to push it down (up?) again to cover his downy torso, for all the good it was doing. Then he felt a cool pair of lips press against his belly, and he squealed before Jester could even begin.

Ppppbbbbtt

“Aaaaiii! NahahaHAA! STAHAP!”

Caduceus’ pleas fell on deaf ears, Jester only pausing long enough to take a deep breath and giggle to herself before she hit him again.

"Yes! Wish I could grow a beard just for this, you fuzzy bastard." Molly crowed.

Caduceus whimpered frantically, his shirt somehow transformed into an impossible maze that kept him blinded and defenseless.

An ominous silence was followed by a deadly double attack made Caduceus’ voice crack with the force of his squeal. “AHAaaA! LICORICE!”

The both backed off right away, leaving Caduceus dizzy and catching his breath. Jester started to help him get untangled from his shirt. Molly grinned down at him before taking a deep, threatening breath to make Caduceus shriek in anticipatory panic.

Molly didn’t get a chance to make good. In one more dizzying instant Caduceus was set upright on his feet, watching Yasha chase Molly out of the room.

“WHAT did I say?”

“C-come on I wasn’t gonna do it! Yasha! Please! He threatens me like that all the-- Nooo!”

Jester chuckled at Caduceus’ dazed expression, pulling him into a cuddle where they stood.

“You OK Caduceus?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.”

“That’s good. It was fun to tickle you for a change!”

“Well I’m glad it was fun, because when I’m big again there are going to be consequences.”

Jester just giggled at him, then tugged him to sit on a chair and put his tea cup back in his hands with a kiss on his cheek.

#sfw #critickle role #critical role #tk fic #tickle fic #Caduceus Clay #jester lavorre #mollymauk tealeaf

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ikchen · 3 years ago

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*breathes in*

Aaaahhh

Well, here we go: As you already mentioned, mjw (~meeoo) is one of the most well known onomatopoetic words in the Egyptian languages, mostly because it really really sounds like meow. Let’s stay with mammals for a moment, and go to the word jwjw (~juju), which denotes a kind of dog. Clearly this imitates the how or whimper of a dog, going awoooo, and interestingly it was, in later times, also used for the wailing of people. So people see dog go awoo, say oh his name is awoo, people go awoo too. People also saw doggo go “woof woof” and went “hm, this animal goes wHwH (~wehweh), let’s use that word to denote barking.” Another mammal would be the shrew, which was called amam.w (~amamu) in Late Egyptian. Etymologically this word can be traced back to a word for “eating, devouring” because shrews eat multiple times their own weight in a day. Now that word for eating? Probably the same sound as omnomnom :D So, I’d also call this an onomatopoeion. Next up is pigs, one of the words for those is rr.j (~rerri). Sounds... weird? Not necessarily pig-ish? It’s definitely the noise pigs make, though, or at least what the Egyptians thought pigs say. Like, the snorting sound they make. Not sure if that’s the same onomatopoeia as oink? Finally we have the word kyky (~kiki) which is a kind of monkey. Very surprisingly, we can look to Japanese for a similar word. Here, キーキー kīkī denotes the calls of a monkey! So if two language use the same word, and the languages are like hella not related, the word is proooobably onomatopoetic?

Next up: Birds! First we have zwrw.t (~zurut) which is the name of some so far unidentified bird. The same word, however, is used in Aramaeic - zarzīrā ‘Starling’, and in Arabic zurzur- ‘Starling’. We do know that it’s not the word for starling in Egyptian, but it might be a loan word, which used to denote the noises starlings make, which was then used for a different bird in Egypt. A second bird worth mentioning would be the qq-Bird (ququ). Can you guess what bird it is? (I’ll tell you, it’s the cockoo. Duh.) So, uh, yeah, same word, right? Onomatopoeia for the win! Next up: Ducks. Or rather, the gbb-duck (~gebeb) (might also be a goose). The Hausa language has the word agwāgwa which means duck, and is derived from the noises a duck makes. The two words are similar enough to be considered vaguely related, so gbb is probably also onomatopoetic for duck noises. Quack quack. Some ducks and geese and also falcons (???why???) make a certain sound in Egyptian, namely ngg (~negeg), ng (neg) or gAgA (~gaga). These aren’t animals per se, but I figured I’d mention these words, because @somecunttookmyurl used ngg / ng in her untitled goose game shitpost :D Goose go ng / honk! Duck go... quack? On a last bird related note, there’s the sparrow, which goes TT (~tshitshi) in Egyptian, and ϫⲟⲩϫⲟⲩ in Coptic. Modern sparrows go twit twit, right? Sounds pretty similar, right?

(There’s technically also DnDn (~djendjen) which is a big bird, possibly a swan, and is supposed to be related to the noises a cymble makes. So. Swans make cyble noises? Cymble make swan noises? This is very unclear).

Onwards to amphibians: The frog! Egyptian has multiple words for frogs, one is pgg.t (~pegeget). Now there are two main theories for this word, one says it’s actually derived from the root g / the word wgj, which means to chew, and it would just denote that frogs chew weirdly. The other one, which also gives similar words in other Semitic languages, says hey this word is hella onomatopoetic. Like. That’s what froggo says, right? Ribbit ribbit? Another word for frogs is qrr (~kerer). Conveniently, Japanese, again, has the word 蛙 kaeru meaning frog! What a coincidence! And then they also have ケロケロ kerokero meaning “croak croak!”. Like. Whoa! Definitely an onomatopoeion!

If you, by any chance, happen to know German, I’m happy to share my thesis with you. Same with sources, if anyone is interested, they’re partially in German though. The best source I had were the 3 books of G. Takács’ Etymological Dictionary of Egyptian.

Are there other onomatopoeic animals in Ancient Egyptian? It’s kinda reminding me of the post where an Egyptian looked at a cat, asked if what it was, and took the meow as the answer.

There are! But I'm going to field this one fully to @ikchen, who did her MA thesis on exactly this subject, so she can go wild with it, and I’ll reblog her answer back here.

#egyptology #onomatopoeia

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sanguinesprout · 7 years ago

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #11 Final (Plus some tiddly bits of trying oh yeahhh!! ^^)

My hands are so frozen ahhhh it’s so cold uuugh @A@ *sits on hands for 5 hours and loses all feeling in them* wow so heartless my hands are oof-

Hmm... alrighty, this week’s appointment was my laaaast. Feels... idk man. On one hand I feel like some pressure has been lifted but I actually was kinda getting used to going, was getting a little comfy even lol and on the other hand I feel like some more pressure just came and took its place. It feels weird, like everything just shifted into how it was before I went, except now I have the power of... knowledge..?! And a smidgen more bravery I guess... I hope... don’t wimp out already! O^O It’s all on me now!! I have to take the wheel and steer it to victory! *crashes straight into ditch*

Welp on the day I actually ended up going 1 hour early by accident because I assumed it’d be the same time as the other days but it was 1 hour later than those lolol, it was no big deal, just shopped around a lil with my sis and mum and then went back, aaand on time (unlike what it would’ve been if my app really was 1 hour earlier lol what a relief) hoh!

She came and got me, greeted me and we went up to the room talking about the weather or something small as usual. I didn’t pull out those sheets from last week yet, I was a lil hesitant since I think she was going through some of the other stuff on her desk and I kinda thought maybe I’d filled in some of it wrong or badly, but there’s no such thing..! I actually did all those sheets the same day I wrote the previous post hehe, or well, at least 80% of them and then finished em off the day before the app, yay! No leaving till the very last-ish! :D

She told me similar stuff to last time about how far I’d come since she first met me, she told me I was like a deer in headlights or something along those lines, timid and unsure and so on, but now was able to express myself better and even got better at stuff like making eye contact more. It was nice to receive the praise she gave and to be assured that I had actually improved some ^^ I know my family has been noticing my efforts and the general mood at home has been a little more chipper, it’s feels so much nicer and motivating c:

We went and looked at this goal sheet she filled in for me near the beginning where my goals were things like ‘to be myself around others’ and I rescored them all lower than they were originally, I didn’t lie and make out like I magically improved, I just went with what I felt and it was right and anyways it was definitely better than previous. This sheet is probably just for her record but showed me I had gotten much closer to my goals and could probably reach them so long as I continue trying.

She asked me again what I am planning to do once I am left to my own devices and we discussed the volunteering/getting work experience stuff again and she tried recommending me this site which could possibly be helpful but tbh it really didn’t seem that great and even she kind struggled to navigate to relevant stuff on it. Her field is not in employment and volunteering and stuff though so although the resource wasn’t the best, it was nice to know a little more at least. I was kinda dying a little inside and this took up a big chunk of the session, she advised me to contact this volunteer organisation and set up an appointment, I feel kinda idk iffy about it, I don’t want to avoid but I feel like maybe I’ll check around for other stuff first. I mean she can’t check on me no mores, but I shouldn’t chicken out or forget this advice because it is important.

I uh, I plucked up the courage and whipped out those sheets I did from last week and I read over them to her and she agreed on a lot of the stuff I wrote (things like how am I different, how did I achieve this behaviour/feeling etc.) and I accidentally left one of the things blank but she helped me fill it in and add to a few that I got a lil confused on lol. I was told to keep these sheets for my own reference. There was a sheet on relapse and relapse prevention I filled in also, reading this in future can probably help me clear my head and get back on track along with the other stuff I guess, though I hope I won’t veer off track in the first place you know ^^”

There was this bit where she thanked me, i can’t remember the exact reason or wording but it was probably for attending and for trying and for opening up to her and I also thanked her back and I kept wondering should I offer her a hug or something but I didn’t wanna be awks or overstep any boundaries. She offered me a handshake with both her hands around mine and said something like ‘this is how we do it here’ or something to do with being professional and then I super felt like I shouldn’t bring up the hug thing cause it’ll be too much lol .__. but who knows... Idk I wimped out on it, but it was something silly I guess, though because I didn’t try, I won’t know how it would’ve gone and it’s too late now, oh welp. Anyways she sees and helps so many people, the time period with each person is short, it’s no biggie, no need to get overly personal and attached I guess. I’m just glad that I got across that I was thankful and super appreciative of her help and that’s enough.

Instead in my efforts to sort of redeem my courage, I thought I’d ask her why she became a mental health nurse even though I was afraid that I might sound nosey, but I was genuinely curious and was assuming it would be something nice and motivational and so I went ahead and asked. She explained her mother was also one and she was always around and felt she wanted to help people too and so she did or something along those lines. I kind of knew it would be something like this, but it is nice to hear and heartwarming all the same. Conversation goes two ways of course too, it was good practice to try and ask things about others.

There was a time in the past where I wanted to be a counsellor (or special learning tutor), my motivation was to help people like myself, so they wouldn’t have to struggle or feel the way I do. As you can tell, I didn’t get there, but it’s okay, because goals change and motivations change, there still some time to go and aim for new and maybe some other past goals too!

I met back up with my sis and mum and I was a lil sulky cause I didn’t get to go to this shop I was planning to go to lol but I was dying of hunger so going home and eating before I passed out was the ideal option anyways. I actually went back out again with my sister some time later that day and went to the shop I wanted to go and some others and went to the supermarket too ^^

Oh, this was after I went to my regular docs app where the doc was super super nice as always and he prescribed a super low low dosage of an anti-depressant as advised by the neurology specialist I saw last time. I’ve only taken it a few days so I am unsure about it’s effect or well, it’s probably too early to say much about it, but I think it does help somewhat? I feel less pained in my head when I wake up, though this could also be because I’ve been drinking water when I awaken too, you know, dehydration causes headaches. I feel pretty foggy rn though @^@ Probably just my oversleeping though. I’m glad I take it at night so even if it does make me feel sleepy, it doesn’t matter lol. Haha oh yeah, that new habit app I have been kinda using, I keep forgetting to check it and tick off the things I’ve done lol >_<”

Whoa my memory is so bad, idk if I should write some more of this week’s stuff of to leave it to next week, or will I have forgotten it then hmm... I’ll just write it briefly I guess. There were lots of times where I had things I needed to sort out but kinda just delayed them but the past few days I just went ahead and emailed and phoned and live chatted and got them almost all sorted out. I got a lil confused at times, but just tried my best with writing and asking things and it went fine. If you don’t try you don’t know, nothing ventured nothing gained! Oh and I baked a bit more stuff too! Omnomnom! :3

There’s still a lot of things I have to sort out and I’m feeling all sorts of stressed and frustrated about it, but I’ll get there, I can do it! Calmly collect your thoughts but don’t overthink, just go go go! No matter what the outcome is, you tried and you learned something new! Okay, Imma go do the stuff!

Have a great evening! Try your best! Oh, and awkward hugs for everybody haha! C:

#therapy #avpd #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #*pats self on back*#nothing ventured nothing gained #no time is wasted if you're always learning #things aren't always as hard as they seem #don't back down #don't be so hard on yourself #don't overthink #yolo!#you're stronger thank you think #believe in yourself #keep going #Let's try our best! :3 #you can do it!#onwards to victory!

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sleeplessnightwithphan · 7 years ago

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Survey Tag

So @okiwillleavenow tagged me in this (thanks girl), let me just give you all the most random facts about me :D

1: Are you named after someone?  I am not, my parents just liked the name ( I think they just looked at one of those “most popular baby names” lists and picked one.)

2: When is the last time you cried?  Ehhh... when my dog died? So last December.

3: Do you like your handwriting? I do actually, but I rarely write on paper anymore.

4: What is your favourite lunch meat? I’m a vegetarian, no meat for me.

5: Do you have kids?  Nope.nope.nope.nope.nope.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  I think so?

7: Do you use sarcasm? Guilty AF

8: Do you still have your tonsils?  Tonsils are present.

9: Would you bungee jump? I don’t really see the fun in it tbh, but maybe someday.

10: What is your favourite kind of cereal?  On the rare (like once a year) occasion that I actually eat cereal, I eat Tresor (which apparently is called Krave in the UK and US)

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I really should, but no.

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? Not really

13: What is your favourite ice cream flavor?  Pistachio or stracciatella!

14: What is the first thing you notice about people?  Haircuts, and faces in general.

15: Red or pink?  Red

16: What is the least favourite physical thing you like about yourself? I’m really should lose some weight

17: What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now?  I’m not wearing any shoes right now, heatwave and all that jazz (but I only own black shoes, so yeah). Also, US pants (dark blue jeans) or UK pants (grey)?

18: What was the last thing you ate?  Dürum with feta cheese and vegetables, omnomnom

19: What are you listening to right now?  Theme from Jurassic Park (in the Supernerd playlist on Spotify)

20. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? I’d be a green crayon

21: Favourite smell? Vanilla, lemon, raspberries, rain

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? My dad’s work phone, he wasn’t picking up his regular phone.

23: Favourite sport to watch?  Volleyball

24: Hair colour? Blond-ish? I’ve been dying it dark brown/red for years now though, haven’t seen my real hair colour since I was 13.

25: Eye colour? Green with bits of grey and brown in there.

26: Do you wear contacts?  I’m pretty much the only person in my family who doesn’t need vision aid.

27: Favourite food to eat?  Raspberries, blueberries, strawberries, stuff like that

28: Scary movies or comedy?  Comedy (nothing against scary movies though)

29: Last movie you watched? Disney’s Princess And The Frog (and I’m proud of it)

30: What colour of shirt are you wearing?  Red with black parrots.

31: Summer or winter?  Winter all the way. I kinda hate summer.

32: Hugs or kisses?  FREE HUGS

33: What book are you currently reading?  I recently started rereading the Harry Potter books, in English this time instead of Dutch. About halfway through Philosopher’s Stone right now.

34: Who do you miss right now?  My friends, they pretty much all have exams, and I don’t.

35: What is on your mouse pad?  I’m on a laptop. Trackpad for the win.

36: What is the last TV program you watched?  Blokken (Belgian quiz show)

37: What is the best sound?  A cello playing (wish I could play the cello)

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? The Beatles

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled?  Either Chicago or Shanghai. I think Shanghai is further, butI’m not sure (and too lazy to look it up)

40: Do you have a special talent?  I can play like 4 instruments, does that count?

41: Where were you born?  Flanders, Belgium

Anybody who wants to do this as well, please do! (I’m too shy and socially awkward to actually tag someone, so just pretend I tagged people)

#survey tag #about me #random information #hey look i got tagged in something

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coffeecupandteatime · 7 years ago

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Obscure Reviews #3

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁

Oh? We’re back already? Whelp, let’s start the shitshow again. I’m Jagerbomb, your favorite alcoholic caffeinated drink, bringing you the review of a story that you could call the My Immortal of Attack on Titan.

Welcome. I’m Coffee. Fuhuhuhuhuhuhu~ Consider this a proper welcome to the party. Though glossing over this, it doesn’t deserve such a title, yet.

Shush it you, you bloody wanker.

Well anyway, hello all, I’m Tea.

WHERE’S MY EMOTICON!?

You mean this? (ง •̀_•́)ง

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง YEAH! FIGHT ME!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN!!!!

As usual we will be incredibly offensive. Don’t take it too personally.

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!

And now we present The Wolf of Trost. Only God can save us now.

Chapter 1: Struggle for Trost: The two monsters

Oh god, what the fuck is this?

The fuck is that?

The fuck are THOSE?

I do not own Attack on Titan, I only own Jacob Patrick and his very deadly secret. Here's a quick Bio on my OC and his (lowercase)Secret (halfway.) Some things will be different due to me adding my OC. (No period, lowercase) And to keep my plot line and idea original.

Oh joy, disclaimers. What the fuck do I say here??

Where do we begin? How about with his ~deadly secret~?

I’m gonna be honest, it feels like he’s trying too hard to be edgy.

Name: Jacob Patrick II.

You know what, I forgot about the shit that happened in this. I should lay off the drinks.

Age: 15. Height: 6"2'.

Christ in a handbasket. Fifteen years old and already 6’ 2”. It’s not impossible, but unlikely.

That’s a little young to fight titans.

Didn’t they all leave training at 15?

No, I don’t think so; you’ll have to look it up.

(ง ͠° ͟ل͜ ͡°)ง FIGHT ME

(ง •̀_•́)ง BRING IT!

Let’s just focus on the story.

Weight: 125 LBS. Hair Color: Jet Black, Wild and to his shoulders, bangs cover left eye.

That sounds inconvenient for titan-fighting.

Eyes: Right eye is a deep calming blue, while the left is bright, glowing yellow with a slight pupil.

You, my friend, have won the Special Snowflake award.

What the fuck is a slight pupil? ಠ益ಠ ENGLISH FUCKER!

Skin Color: Pale white.

So not only is your vision halved by your ridiculous hair, but you’ll also burn like my steady-growing hatred for this fic.

Birth-date: October 10th.

Aw damn, all the jokes could have been made if you said the 31th.

You have jokes?

Appearance: Slim bodied, canines are extremely sharp (Sharp enough to bite into a Titan's hide), fingernails are one inch long claws that are very sharp. Narrow waist, Thin arms and legs and slightly pointed ears.

A painful existence.

I know what was written, but I can’t get the idea of this OC going “OMNOMNOM!”. Imagine this kid dangling off a titan by his teeth and the titan just looks at him with this deadpan expression, unsure of what to do.

Special Skills: With his thin body he is extremely agile and flexible, making him one of the best at using the 3D Maneuvering gear and Blades.(NO PERIOD, LOWERCASE) Though most have seen him running UP the SIDES of the Walls and buildings. His thin frame means less resistance while running, making his speed triple above our fastest soldier. (He can) Can jump very far, close to thirty feet. He's always been able to scan the Titan's and find ways to trick them and trap them. One last skill he has is very secret and no one knows it.

Why is up and sides capitalized? We know what the gear allows you to do.

Because it ADDS unnecessary EMPHASIS.

ಠ益ಠ This angers me greatly. He’s a goddamn Mary Sue.

Couldn’t just write a normal human boy, could you?

Most Notable Quotes: " I'ma (I’m) gonna make me a Titan burger!"

Seriously?

Permission to prepare the noose?

Permission granted.

" Yahooooooooo!"

This is kinda ripping off Naruto.

This is reminding me of those people who do Bigfoot calls.

Now we combine those together.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ'✿,｡･:*:❀･ﾟ'❁ Combining. Result: Cringeworthy.

" Oh bite my skinny ass!"

Is this supposed to be a Bender reference?

NAAAAAAH YOU DON’T SAY? Speaking of which, watching Futurama right now.

" One does not anger the beast without being mauled."

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Good Lord why?

*coughs*Tryhard*coughs*

Ya know what? I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna poke the bear. *poke poke*

*loud inhale* You did it!

" Hurt my friends...And you'll see why they call me a freak!"

What friends? You have made yourself out to be a rather unpleasant main character.

SHOTS FIRED.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一

and the ever famous Jacob Patrick II song he sings when(One word)ever drunk (which is a(Separate words)lot)

" Oh I'm gonna get that booty!"

NO.

Pffft- This would be gold it weren’t serious.

I have to agree with that. It’s almost as bad as My Immortal. Also, why is a fifteen year old drinking?

Because that’s what the cool kids do. (⌐■_■)

Personality: Out(ONE WORD)going, happy go lucky, lived on the streets since he was four, which in turn allowed Jacob's body to thin and slim due to having to steal food, clothes and books to survive and learn.

I think we’re mixing up personality with backstory and then further mixing it with appearance.

Seriously? Everything past happy go lucky has absolutely nothing to do with personality. They are also living in a society where you contribute to society, they wouldn’t let him live on the streets unless he was completely useless.

Looks like someone doesn’t understand the show.

No one will let you get away with theft is the point.

Jacob's dark secret allow caused the color of his left eye, his claws, pointed ears and sharp canines, but it has also made him prone to rage fueled attacks at random times.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ GET THIS SHIT OUTTA MY FACE!

So, I’m going to take a wild guess and say his secret has something to do with werewolves.

I mean, it’s so obvious. I read ahead...We have weirdness next chapter.

FFFFFFF- ┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

He's loyal to his friends and super protective over them.

Now I remember. Give me a drink please.

Would you like a fancy cocktail?

-,- That ain’t no man’s drink woman.

Don’t complain. Anything is better than nothing.

A lot of people call him insane, which is true.

*Squints suspiciously* “Insane”, eh?

What? That’s not insanity, that’s just acting like a kid.

He'll do and say the most random things.

LOL IM SO RANDOM

HAHAHHA LOOK AT ME!

There you guys go, Jacob's Bio. NOW GET TO READING DAMMIT!

Rude. You know what? I won’t read it. JUST TO SPITE YOU.

*coughs*Asshole*coughs*

" Humans speaking" ' Human thoughts or flashbacks.' Time skips or locations. " Titans sounds and roars."

Okay, different text types. Fucking kill me now please. Is this necessary? Can’t just - I don’t know - write? Yep, just hold the readers’ hands some more like they just learned how to read this trash.

Apparently Author doesn’t think we can tell what’s what.

We are evidently blind.

____________________________________________________________

(Jacob’s POV) Year 850. Trost, 2:45.

I just love it when writers think they have to announce whose perspective it is. I mean, it’s not like we could have figured it out by ourselves or anything.

Me, Armin and Eren (Him and Armin are two of my three friends)

*Prolonged sigh* Show, don’t tell. Show, don’t tell. Show, doN’T TELL. SHOW, DON’T TELL.

Coffee… Do I need to get Katherine’s pan to smack this author?

…..Yes, probably. No correction, absolutely. Get the pan.

were running across the roofs of houses and buildings, well they had their 3D Maneuvering gear ready to scale the next building while I could just jump up on to (Onto. Spellcheck is your friend) it.

Right, right, right. Why would the OC need something that everyone else needs? Guess who earned a gold star for a “very good job”! ☆

HURRAY! Good job buddy!

I look back to see a Titan jump up and bite Eren's leg off.

What..? There was no prior indication that this was a problem. We’re just… going right to it, eh? Skipping everything else and interjecting Gary Stu into only the important, plot related stuff, huh?

Author is costing on plot hoping readings fill in the gaps.

Armin screamed out to him while I turned around and jumped the gap between my building and the roof with Eren, I slashed the Titan's nape as it turned to attack me, (AND) it fell with a loud thud.

Fucking Mary Sues man. Fucking run on sentences. Armin must’ve been screaming for some time while the OC did all of that.

Well all Armin does IS scream so I assume he’s good at it.

No, he screams Eren a lot, let’s get it right.

" Eren!" I shouted as I land next to him. " Are you ok man?", my answer was Eren smacking my with the hilt of his left Blade.

Sure, he lost a leg, I’m sure he’s fine bud.

Tis only a flesh wound.

Monty Python away!

YAY!

" Of course not. But I'm fine, just go protect Armin!" Eren shouts at me. ' HE'S MISSING A FUCKING LEG AND SAYS HE'S ALRIGHT!?' I scream in my head as I jump back to stop a 10m Titan from eating Armin, who was still running. I raise my Blades high above my head, opened my mouth and shouted.

*Tying noose around neck while whistling* Hard to tell who's worse, Katherine or Jacob. Either way I’mma go on vacation. *kicks stool*

" I'MA GONNA MAKE ME A TITAN BURGER!"

LAAAAAAAAAAAAME

That is a really lame catchphrase.

Why did I think of a Simpsons character?

My Blades came down on the Titans nape, I worked fast to carve the nape out and slay the monster. " You don't eat my friends (COMMA) bitch!" I exclaim while flipping the dead Titan off.

How old are you? Twelve?

Remember, angsty teen must always flip at least one thing per episode.

Yes, lets flip of the creature that’s already dead. Was there even a gesture for this back then?

I look over at Armin and laugh, only to realize he had made his way to Eren (I guess while I was distracted he saw a Titan close to Eren).

You guess. And what’s wrong with him going to support Eren? It’s not like he can just walk out of there. Nope, just gonna leave him there to die I suppose.

For plot! :D KILL ME!

Such a good friend.

I jump the gap, only to be too late as I see a grey bearded Titan EAT Eren, leaving only his arm, which had hit Armin in the face. To be honest I have to admit that it was comical.

HAHAHA, MY FRIEND JUST GOT EATEN AND MY OTHER FRIEND IS PROBABLY TRAUMATIZED! HAHAHA SO FUNNY!

HOLY SHIT IT’S SANTA TITAN! But I’mma admit, I did laugh when the arm hit Armin.

" EREN!" Armin and I shouted.

Noooooo not the overly angry German! Nooooo!

It’s better for him this way. Goodnight, sweet prince.

I knew there was only way to save him…

Do I need to say anything about this or..?

Best to leave it be.

but it was too risky and he would probably die of blood loss if I wasn't fast enough.

I assume this Only Way was to A: Kill the Titan or B: The Deadly Secret. Fuck I don’t care anymore! COFFEE! GIVE ME THE RUM!

You better share.

Would you like ice with that?

Of course boss. I always share -,-

So I cursed myself for not helping but ran and picked up Armin before the Titan could get him. Armin was to (TOO) shocked to notice anything.

“I can’t do anything about this except for the fact that I can and no, this may or may not bother me in the near future. If it does, it’ll be for the ANGST. Oh, right Eren’s dead, better save my other not-friend so it looks like I accomplished something.”

“Look at me! I’m the Stu! Everyone should just accept the things I do and not question it!”

You cursed yourself for not helping? You didn’t have a problem about not helping before.

' Eren...I'm sorry... But I WILL kill every last Titan to avenge you!' I thought as I quickly escape the Titan.

Whelp, he’s dead. Better say something to remind the audience that they were friends with as little emotion as possible and vowing revenge.

*coughs*OVERACHIEVER!*coughs*

Revenge fixes all Titan problems. If not satisfied, you’ll get your money back guaranteed! Just pay two payments for the low low price of 19,999,999,999,999,999,999.99! Pay processing and handling.

In fifteen minutes I found Connie Springer, Sasha Blouse, Ymir, Annie Leonhart, Jean Kirstein, Bertolt Hoover, Reiner Braun, Krista Lenz and Mikasa Ackerman (My other friend and secret crush).

Ha, who needs these losers? It’s not like their actual characters with depth or deserving of any actual description or personality. Who cares? Just drop their names and we’re good. Am I right?

AHAHHAHHAHAHA, Cos yes, nobody knows who any of these people are now so let’s add a sentence of just names.

And of course Mikasa is targeted for “love interest”. Mikasa’s first priority is Eren’s safety; the Stu wouldn’t stand a chance. Get out while you can.

-is being sucked into a black hole- Coffee! HELP!

Shhhhh, it’s better this way.

I drop Armin as I put my hands on my knees and pant heavily while the others all come over to us, mostly to see what was wrong with Armin. Mikasa came up to me, (PERIOD) I could see the worry in her eyes.

They all walked together in a collective bunch. Clearly they’re not busy with anything like titans in the city.

Speaking of eyes, I need to drench mine in bleach.

" Where(APOSTROPHE)s Eren!?" She asked me. I looked down at my feet, still panting.

I don’t know, probably digesting inside Santa’s belly.

Maybe if you weren’t standing around waiting for the plot to come to you, you’d know.

" Titan.. (CAPITAL)ate...him.." I manage to breath out between breathes (breaths).

But it’s okay, because I, the main character, am safe with no emotional scars from the death of my apparent friend.

I used my fangs to scare the titan off, of course it wasn’t mentioned. Apparently.

I straighten up some more so I stood at my full six foot two height. I look down at Mikasa as her grip on her Blades tightens,(PERIOD) her eyes narrowed as she walked passed me before jumping and taking off with her gear.

To get away from all of these run on sentences.

To get away from the Stu or Stus.

To get away from the plot.

" MIKASA!" I shout as I try to grab her ankle, but she was just out of my reach.

Good!

RUN MIKASA! RUN!

I look back at the group and stare at them all, my bangs moved out of the way of my left eye. The bright glowing,(NO COMMA) slit pupiled yellow eye bore holes into the group's souls. I spoke one command in a deep and dark voice. My sharp canines gleamed in the sun's light.

If you were any edgier, you’d be a triangle.

Any edgier then that and he’d be a pyramid

He keeps mentioning his bangs so much that he’s become a tassel. A toothy, triangle, little tassel.

I could swear to God that I saw Ymir turn a ghost white.

Your angst is scaring them. Stop.

Oh god not shiny fangs!

" Stay with Armin."

“He’s pretty much useless.”

“I, the Stu, shall retrieve Mikasa alone!”

With that I jumped off after Mikasa. I dropped my gear (Keeping my Blades)

You don’t need parenthesis if you juST WRITE PROPERLY.

-Tosses empty bottle away- Whelp we’re outta rum again.

by the group as I did so. ' Mikasa...please don't get eaten or killed'" YAHOOOOOOOO!" Was heard by the group as Jacob soon disappeared from their sight.

Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? If this becomes a problem, Coffee is going to kick your ass, just as sure as she’s tearing apart your awful writing skills.

Permission to prepare the ceremonial noose, ma’am?

Permission granted

(Below is the thought the rest of 104th Trainees Squad)

' Did that just happen?'

Actual writing; who needs it?

Gee I don’t know, did it? Cos if there was action and words, it happened.

(Back to Jacob's POV)

You never changed perspective in the first place.

ಠ_ಠ My brain hurts.

I jumped from roof to roof after Mikasa, I had to dropped my gear to make myself lighter

YOU JUST DROPPED YOUR GEAR BEFORE THIS DAMMIT!

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

, even while I run at full speed (Which Dot Pixis had recorded to be close to 50 mph, without any gear on)

You want to know how fast Usain Bolt can run at maximum? 28 mph. You’re trying to convince us that this Gary Stu can run almost TWICE as fast as the fastest runner without much training or experience?

I’m calling God mode. Someone get an admin. Oh wait, I am one.

I couldn't keep up with her.

For plot convenience.

Even though I could’ve used my gear to catch up with her, why did I think RUNNING would help? Oh, just to SHOW OFF MY STU-NESS!

I could tell she was using her gas in large bursts to increase her speed. Bad idea cos (BECAUSE, YOU CRETIN) you lose A(SEPARATE WORDS)LOT of gas that way. I growl in a very wolf-like manner

Wink wink, nudge nudge, tap tap, hit hit, SCROTAL PUNCH

We need a gif for a nut shot, PRONTO!

as I grip my Blades tighter, causeing (CAUSING) the hilts to creak and break, I drop them as I close my eyes in frustration... Bad idea again. I'm quickly grabbed by a Titan, a 15m Smiling Titan. ' This can't be happening!'

THE END

HAHAHAHAHHA NOPE!

" MIKASA!" I shouted out to her...but I think she didn't hear me over the sounds of dead Titans falling down.

She didn’t respond because she doesn’t care about you.

She saw you jerking off in the bushes at Training Camp -,-

The massive jaws close down, just missing my head... I slid down it's (ITS) throat to my doom.

Suspiciously sounds like what happened to Eren a few paragraphs ago.

So original.

' I never even got to tell Mikasa that I loved her...'

…Seriously?

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ FUCK IT!

Your waifu will never know. At least she can’t point-blank reject you.

Time skip: Where Mikasa has only a single Blade left and is cornered by a Titan.

Yay, more lazy writing. FUCK YOU

DAMMIT!

(Nobody's POV)

Who the hell is Nobody and why aren’t they the main character instead?

Nobody is my favorite person.

Best character.

Mikasa stood back up from her knees, Eren's words about fighting for survival echoing in her mind. She was about to try and charge at the Titan when a 15m Titan with a muscular build, fleshless jaw that revealed the odd arangment (ARRANGEMENT) of teeth, bright emerald eyes, pointed ears and long brownish black hair ran out from behind her and slammed a fist into the other Titan's head. The result was a dead Titan and a new one standing over the body, screaming/roaring.

Well, that escalated quickly.

No smooth transition! EVER!

" NNNNNAAAAGGGHHH" (YOU TRY SPELLING OUT A TITAN SCREAM/ROAR!)

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH! Did I do it? (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

Mikasa stared on in shock at seeing a Titan kill another of it's (ITS) kind. The new Titan ran of (OFF), searching for more Titans to kill. Mikasa shook her head and used her gear and little amounts of gas to find the others.

What about Eren? Mikasa, focus! That’s why you ran off in the first place.

I’m sure everyone else is still on that singular roof.

To her shock they were still were Jacob had dropped Armin off. " Why are you all still here?" She questioned. Connie answered for everyone.

That’s what I want to know.

Called it.

" After you took off Jacob's bangs moved away from his left eye...it...it.. IT BORE HOLES IN OUR SOULS MAN!"

Much like how this story bores holes into my brain.

His hair moved and you saw his differently colored eyeball. Oh no, the horror. *deadpan*

Oh dear lord save us all. -___-

The teen shouted.

So, I have this rant I’ve been holding in for awhile.

Are you KIDDING me? You FUCKING ESTABLISHED who was talking already! Why do you feel the need to refer to him as “the teen” instead of giving him a proper description? THAT IS LAZY WRITING. ALSO do not use “shouted” or any other verbs as dialogue tags! Do you have any idea how awful that is to read? ALSO, is Connie a FUCKING FLOATING HEAD or something? Is he doing ANYTHING ELSE besides standing around and SCREAMING? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHERS?! Are they just standing around too? GOD DAMN IT.

YOU’RE A LAZY ASS WRITER! I HAVE SEEN LITTLE TO NO ACTUAL PLOT LINE WHAT SO EVER! I get this was written in 2014 but that’s no excuse!

Ymir rolled her eyes, smacked Connie upside his bald head and looked at Mikasa.

I assume with a look of disdain paralleling the current state of my face right now.

The Pan can help with that.

The pan always helps. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

" Your friend Jacob left his 3D Maneuvering gear and ran off after you,(PERIOD)

“Good riddance, right?”

Yes we know, it was stated that he dropped his gear…..twice.

My brain hurts. COFFEE! ANOTHER ROUND OF RUM! Shit forgot, Tea didn’t buy any more. DAMMIT! BRING VODKA!

he told us to stay with Armin in this...this...just overpowering voice. Even Annie and Reiner stayed."

Apparently no one has the balls to oppose the Stu. Or were they sincerely hoping that he’d get himself killed?

I mean, I’m pretty sure Reiner could beat the hell out of Stu. Wait, read ahead, he can’t, Stu gets worse.

The tall girl said. Mikasa looked surprised. Jacob had followed her... Then it hit her.

Turns out a titan had found them standing around in a big group and decided to have a light snack.

GOOD END 1

HAPPY ENDING!

" Wait, if he followed me but didn't come back that must mean that..(... CAN’T EVEN DO ELLIPSES RIGHT) Oh God no.." She fell to her knees, a small tear made its way down her cheek.

Why is she crying for this Stu? And she just forgets about Eren?

Nobody likes the Angry German.

Everyone looked at her.

“Sorry Mikasa. You’ve been infected by OOC syndrome. I’m afraid we have to put you out of your misery.”

Could be worse, she could’ve been the Draco to Ebony.

I believe you mean “Enoby”

" 'Oh God no' what?" Sasha asked, her eyes filled with fright. Armin looked up from his spot, still having tears in his eyes. ' Where(APOSTROPHE)s Jacob... W-Whose gear is that..?' Where (WERE) his thoughts.

Really Armin? Did you not pay any attention to the Stu’s display of teenage edginess?

Armin was too busy being the only character traumatized by his friend’s death.

" I think what Ackerman-san is trying to say is that it's quite possible that Patrick-san was eaten by a Titan." Said Annie as she stood up and dusted herself off,

Since when was Annie Japanese?

“This is anime, so they must all be Japanese right?”

She’s Russian right? Either way “Since this is an anime I have to use Japanese honorifics.”

Ymir nodded in agreement while everyone else had horrified looks.

Everyone should take a page from Ymir’s book and not give a fuck. Remind me again why anyone cares for the Stu?

Maybe he was a fun person at camp?

Because he is “Author-Avatar-san”. He is loved by all.

" But what I want to know is why Mikasa took off." Sasha said as she wiped a tear away.

Where were you, Sasha? Weren’t you right there when the Stu revealed that Eren was eaten?

She was busy eating bread and taters.

In her defense, who doesn’t like bread and potatoes? They are significantly more interesting than this drivel.

DAMN.

Mikasa herself answered While (LOWERCASE) she wiped he small tears away. " Jacob...he told he and Armin saw a Titan eat Eren." This time everyone (minus Annie and Ymir) gasped. Connie stood up.

WHAAAAAAAAAT? WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING? WHERE YOU ALL ENAMOURED BY PAINT DRYING OR SOMETHING? YOU WERE STANDING THERE. HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THIS ALREADY?

YAY FOR DRY PAINT!

" Now what?! HQ is overrun with Titans so we can't get gas! Jacob, who was one of the best trainees,

Of course he was, but we wouldn’t know that because it was never established in the story!

Sure, I can he would be a good Trainee… If he wasn’t such a damn Stu! WHY THE FUCK DOES HE NEED ABSURD SKILL!?

is dead along with Eren!

You know, just as a side note.

Cos I’m sure we all forgot Eren again.

We(APOSTROPHE)re all going to die!" The worried teen exclaimed.

Why must you test me so?

-Hands rum- Here, helps with headaches till the morning.

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement seeing as this was true. Then Mikasa remembered that new rouge(SPACE)Titan she saw.

“Oh right, that thing seemed kind of important. I probably should have said something sooner, but for some reason, I needed to cry and sniffle over that Stu.”

“But I’m sure they’ll see eventually.”

" Wait... When I was cornered by a Titan a 15m class Titan came out of nowhere and KILLED the other Titan." She said. Everyone looked at her like she was crazy. Reiner spoke this time. " Don't be stupid Ackerman, Titans don't kill their own kind."

“-Despite the fact you’re probably one of the most trustworthy people here and the city is under attack. We just might have believed you if you weren’t infected with OOC syndrome.”

Sums that situation up nicely.

Annie nodded in agreement. Mikasa rolled her eyes and spoke again. " If we could lure this new Titan to the HQ we could use it to kill the other Titans. And if you don't believe me look behind yourselves." And just as she said that everyone turned around just in time to see the rouge Titan punch the head of another 15m Titan off.

This story gives me current traumatic stress disorder.

YAY~! -kicks stool and hangs again.-

Everyone looked surprised till Mikasa took off again, most regained their wits and followed her, leaving Armin and Connie.

And they didn’t leave because…?

Well so did Armin go with the them or is he still being a bitch?

" Come on Armin, lets help the others with Mikasa's plan." Connie said, as he helped the still shocked blonde up as they looked down at Jacob's now missing gear. ' Mikasa must of picked it up.' Connie thought as he and Armin followed the others to carry out Mikasa's idea.

Well, that was pointless.

(ʘ‿ʘ) I really want to burn this.

Just as they had all left, the very same Titan that ate Jacob appeared, but something was off... It's smile was some(THIS IS ONE WORD, JACKASS)how a frown.

Simultaneously. A smiling frown if you will. Otherwise known as an oxymoron.

Herpaderp! Look at me creating impossible expressions!

Then there was a deep, primal and beastial (BESTIAL) growl, but it wasn't the Titan.

It’s okay. I’m fine. I can handle this. I swear.

Oh god… Here we go again.

Then all of a sudden the Titan exploded as something ripped it's (ITS. THE WORD YOU WANT IS ITS) way out of it's (ITS, AS IN POSSESSIVE PRONOUN NOT IT IS) stomach.

It’s a-me, Hercules~.

Once the Titan's blood stopped falling from the skies (COMMA) a very strange creature roared into the skies, the roar was loud, primal and sounded like a Grizzly Bear's roar mixed with a wolves howling.

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT.

BURN IT WITH FIRE!

The creature was fifteen meters tall, it had a wolf-like head with two very large canines poking out from it's (ITS) lips. It's body was muscular and man like, but it was covered in shaggy jet black fur, the arms came down to it's (ITS. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER)waist, but the hands were not man like. They had a due claw instead of a thumb, meaning the four finger like toes had to do the gripping, each of which had razor sharp claws that were two feet in length. The creature's legs were like a dog's hind legs, the feet were large paws with claws, (AND) there was no tail. But what stood out was (WERE, UNLESS THIS SON OF A BITCH WAS A CYCLOPS)��the monster's eyes.

It was almost as if the monster was saying “Do it now, kill me. Come on, kill me. I’m right here. Kill me now.”

It’s hands stop at its waist? BWAAHAHAHAHHA! IT HAS BABY ARMS!

Can anybody say wannabe werewolf?

The right one was a deep blue with a round pupil and glowed while the left was a bright glowing yellow with a slit pupil.

Wait a minute. I recognize those angsty-borderline-constipated looks! Y’know, with a slit pupil…

Shouldn’t that say slight? Like in his bio?

Nope because who needs consistency?

The monster roared again as it dropped to all fours and charged towards a large group of Titans, a group that was in front of 104th Trainees Squad.

Let’s just do a mic check here.

Wow, that must have been some high quality paint watching if they didn’t notice titans approaching.

Or if they didn’t hear this thing roar twice.

As the wolf-like creature got closer the pounding of it's (ITS. USE THE SPELLCHECK) paws on solid ground got louder, this in turn caused Connie to look back. His entire face became a ghost white.

Becoming a ghost is your only way out.

Cos he’s Danny Phantom.

Oh, so I guess this hand grenade won’t work then?

Don’t waste our last grenade dammit.

The flamethrower then?

Y’all are running my joke into the ground.

He shouted out in horror. " WHAT THE FUCKING HELL THAT THING!?"

“WHY AREN’T WE KILLING IT?!”

PLOT CONVINCE!

This fic is painful to read.

At Connie's shout everyone else looked back as the creature bounded up to them, then past them, then right into the group of 15m Titans, and there at least six of them.

“Oh shit. Did you guys notice that? I didn’t.”

“Did you guys remember those roars we heard? No? Okay!”

EVERYONE

MORE UNNECESSARY EMPHASIS

YAY~!

was shocked to see the furry beast lunge past them and into a group of Titans of the same size. But were more shocked to see it land on it's (ITS) hind legs and stand upright like a human. The trainees stopped and landed on a nearby roof.

“Hang on a second! Let’s take a selfie!”

“Duck faces everyone!”

" Someone answer me! What IS that THING!?" Connie yelled at the others. Ymir looked over at the creature and stated the most obvious thing.

Relax, Connie. If you keep asking questions like that, you all just might have to do your job.

Lord forbid we actually use our training and get in Stu Wolf’s way.

So we’re just going to stand around and stare like a dead fish….?

" Well obviously it's a giant wolf." Pretty much everyone sighed at the statement.

It’s clear that literally no one cares enough to do anything besides state the obvious.

-bashes head in wall-

" We can see that, Ymir." Reiner said.

“Still not doing anything about it though.”

Mikasa looked over the Titans and wolf-beast. The monster had it'(NO APOSTROPHE)s jaws on a Titan's throat out, ripping it out before swiping it's (ITS. OTHERWISE YOU’RE SAYING IT IS) claws across the Titan's nape, killing it. Then another Titan bit into the creature's shoulder. The result was a pain filled roar, which drew the attention of a new comer. The Wolf turned around and tore into the attacking Titan. A new sound filled the air as the Rouge Titan, the one that saved Mikasa, jumped over the building with the trainees on it and onto another Titan, punching it's (ITS FOR FUCK’S SAKE) head off in the process. The wolf creature lifted it's (ITS *RAGE*) head up it's (ITS. SILENCE! I KILL YOU) kill, it was eating a dead Titan, to stare at the new comer.

So Mikasa, didn’t you have a plan or something? Does your plan involve sitting and staring as the plot progresses in front of you?

How can you eat a Titan if their body’s literally starts decaying right after death?

Both wolf creature and Titan had a small stare down. (COMMA, NOT PERIOD) Which then ended as they both went to killing the Titans.

“HAHA, GLAD THAT’S OVER. KILL YOU SOME OTHER TIME, GARY STU.”

“NICE MEETING YOU BUDDY!” Is only what I imagine they said.

(Mikasa's POV) I stared at the gory and brutal battle in front of me and the others.

“I have become quite skilled at this.”

“I should start a business.”

Connie was shaking, Armin pretty much almost entered a shock induced coma and everyone else were (WAS) either shocked or scared for their lives.

“Seriously, we’re just as lazy as this writing.”

Yes watching a bunch of creatures being brutally murdered could be scarring. BUT YOU ARE TRAINED FOR THIS! TAKE ACTION!

A shock induced coma? You could just say, oh I don’t know, PASSED OUT.

I turned back when I saw the large monster wolf start to eat a dead Titan like it hadn't eaten in a month. I look at the others.

“Hey, do guys wanna go grab some burgers or something?”

Again, you can’t eating a body that decays rapidly.

" We can't stay here, we need to get out of here while they kill the last Titan! C'mon!" With that I took off with the others in tow. Behind us I could hear the wolf's monstrous roar and the Rouge (ROGUE) Titan's screaming/roaring.

Quickly now! Run with your tail between your legs!

Okay, this is really hurting my brain.

The eye's (EYES) of that giant wolf thing looked so familiar... But I can't put a thumb on it.

“Weird, it’s almost like that angsty loser that got eaten earlier. I hope he doesn’t come back in some convoluted werewolf-wish-fulfillment that has absolutely no place in this world…”

*coughs*readahead!*coughs*

(Nobody's POV)

Nobody is the best character. Oh yes, they are the best.

As the trainees left, the last 15m Titan was killed by the Rouge (ROGUE. SPELL CHECK MOTHERFUCKER) Titan. The large wolf then dropped to all fours and ran off towards HQ, which had many Titans around it. The Rouge followed, but it wanted to also kill the large wolf monster as well.

“NO HARD FEELING BRO, BUT I’M GONNA KILL YOU AFTERWARDS.”

“NAH MAN THAT’S OKAY!

Time Skip: After All the Titans inside and outside HQ are killed.

Wolf beast and Titan, both fifteen meters tall, both deadly...both had kill in their eyes.

You might want to rinse out your eyes before they get infected. On second thought, don’t.

Too late! -rips eyes out and dips them in bleach-

Then in a powerful lungeing (LUNGING) punch the Rouge (ROGUE YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE TECHNOLOGY. USE IT) had knocked the Wolf down, then the Rouge jumped onto the Wolf's chest before repeatedly punching it's chest and head. This in turned angered the creature a(TWO SEPARATE WORDS)lot M(LOWERCASE)ore then(THAN) it already was.

FINISH HIM.

K-K-K-KOMBO BREAKER

In a stroke of seconds

It was a backstroke to get away from this trash.

In a stroke of seconds Stu was finished with his bush.

the Wolf had turned the tables by using it's powerful hind legs to kick the Titan in the gut, causing said Titan to be thrown off and into the side of HQ, this caused the Trainees and some Garrison cadets to stumble in their places and some rubble to fall down to the Wolf roared it's Grizzly Bear/Wolf howl roar, this caused a few 10m Titans run out all directions and to attack both the Rouge and Wolf, both were throwing Titans at the other or trying to hit the other with a dead Titan.

(Coffee.exe has stopped working.)

Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?

Don’t waste dammit.

Soon the smaller Titans were dead or thrown away like broken toys. The rest of the fight lasted ten minutes as Titan and giant mammal brutally attacked the other. Large bodies slammed into each(SEPARATE WORDS)other. Body parts were lost and teeth knocked out of jaws. Bones were broken.

Cos y’know, can’t have a fight without extensive damage.

What’s a description?

The Rouge was missing it's (ITSITSITSITSITSITS) left arm from the elbow and down and it's face was badly damaged, there were dozens of deep claw marks all over the Titan's muscular body.

All this isn’t needed.

Too much detail on literally everything that isn’t important.

The Wolf was missing it's (ITS MOTHERFUCKER) whole right arm, its

left eye and a few teeth. Hell it was missing some patches of it's (ITS, I THOUGHT WE MADE PROGRESS, GOD DAMMIT) jet black fur. There were some broken bones within the beast's body.

Seriously, stop.

Yeesh, stop. We get it already.

You just love prattling on and on don’t you?

Both were on their knees and panting heavily... Soon they both fell forwards. As soon as they hit the ground steam rose from both monsters. Soon there was a large cloud of steam.(COMMA) Hiding the large bodies.

FINALLY!

YES! DEAD, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!

Our prayers have been answered!

Everyone on HQ's roof stared in disbelief.

They quickly went back to doing nothing.

Yay, more painting drying!

They just saw the two monsters that helped them fight against their enemy fall down after both gained severe injuries. Mikasa's eyes widened when the steam cleared just enough to reveal the large bodies were halfway decaying with flesh still on the head and shoulders. But on the napes of both necks were two 'lumps'

I hope those lumps aren’t more cancer.

It is cancer. Stu cancer.

I’ll get the chemo ready.

The 'lumps' moved and tore as two human's (HUMANS) emerged halfway from the napes of the necks. Everyone in 104th Trainees Group knew who the people were.

Cos the Trainees can see that far clearly.

They have suddenly become more aware of their surrounds as soon as the action was over.

Eren Yeager and Jacob Patrick II, the supposed dead trainees.

Couldn’t just have stayed dead.

Tbh, I hate both of them. Stu’s just worse for being a damn OP copy of Angry german.

At least there isn’t more of the OC running around.

Mikasa jumped off the roof and ran towards Eren's semi-conscious body. " EREN!" She cried as she removed him from the nape fully and held him. Mean(ONE COMPLETE WORD ASSHOLE)while everyone turned and looked to see that Jacob was fully conscious and fully out of the nape.

Who gives a fuck about Eren? The Stu true main character is alive.

Whose Eren? The Angry German?

His already pale skin was even paler, like he was drained of life.

Eren, you would have been spared from this atrocity if you had died.

The Stu allows no deaths. o,,,,,o

But his eyes shone bright before they closed and he fell unconscious and almost face first into the pavement if he wasn't caught by Mikasa, who had Eren over her shoulder.

“Oh no, the Stu that I care about for some reason, even though Eren has always been my first priority and I really have no valid reason to care about the Stu in the first place.”

The one time Mikasa didn’t forget Eren was just to sling him over her shoulder like a dirty towel.

" JACOB!" She screamed, tears fell from her eyes more then (Than) they did when she saw Eren's body.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU DIE?”

“FOR THE PLOT BABY!”

Everyone on the roof had shocked faces... They just couldn't believe it... Jacob and Eren... both were monsters

The Stu more so. All the more reason to shoot on sight.

OH NO! Cos it wasn’t obvious Jacob was the wolf!

. (CAPITAL LETTER) one was what their enemy was and the other a very large canine monster. Only Mikasa was crying as she held both males close to her, one certain multi-color eyed boy had one final thought, seeing as she was holding them close to her chest, his head right one her...*coughs*..assests (ASSETS)..*coughs*.

Her financial assets.

PLOT TWIST, those weren’t Mikasa’s breasts. They were Armin’s.

PLOT TWIST! They were Bertolt’s sweet buttocks.

'Score...'

Those were his final thoughts before he was smothered to death.

Everyone wants to die by them tig ol’ bitties.

____________________________________________________________ PHEW! That was the longest time I've ever spent on a chapter. Well, I'll see you all next time I update. JA NI!

(◡‿◡✿) You lying piece of shit. (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK IS JA NI, YOU WEEABOO PIECE OF SHIT!

CONCLUSION

Lazy writing riddled with easy-to-spot errors, author avatar, reduction of major cast to lazy eggs, and a terrible case of OOC for all involved but easy to make fun of; I give this a 2/10.

I give this a 2/10 for lazy writing, spelling errors and putting the original cast completely out of character as well as putting a shipping where one shouldn’t exist.

Personally...I wouldn’t rate this at all, but seeing as it’s a three year old story, 0.5/10. Why? Because it shat on werewolves, AOT fans, and the anime itself.

Well, that was fun. Let’s never tackle this again. Agreed?

This story is pretty terrible, so I can agree that we should not tackle any more of this. There are more chapters though so I say light it on fire.

Yeah I’m not doing this hell again. ONTO THE NEXT STORY DAMMIT! We need more drinks again. Tea forgot to bring the rum. ಠ╭╮ಠ

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

#AoT fanfiction #bad fanfiction #obscure review #fanfiction review #sporking

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