#omi.shitpost

[fic-dumpster]

I have a Reader on a story that shares one brain cell with Sanzu and I love their dynamics. It’s something like…

*Reader and Sanzu playing catch with a gun*

Takeomi: stop, you’re gonna hurt someone

Sanzu & Y/N: that’s the whole point

*proceed to accidentally drop the gun*

*it fires*

Ran & Rindo: WHO WAS IT?!? *step in with a hole in their takeout bag*

Sanzu & Y/N:

[fic-dumpster]

Bonten and a series of unfortunate events | Part 1

Bonten x F!Reader | HCS - Fun facts

A/N: Stupid/nonsense Headcanons that sometimes I think about and cry/laugh (when I try to write DIH). I have a lot of these lists of things... Hehe so I decided to post some. Nothing here is serious.

- Nobody is allowed to talk about this incident, but Mikey once fell due to his flip flop getting stuck on the stairs. Went face-first to the floor, Sanzu screamed.

- Takeomi protested about his back once, and jokes about his age rained on him for days. Even Mikey joined. (don't forget he has known Takeomi for a long ass time)

- Koko was confused for a girl by some guy in a bar. Since then, Sanzu, Ran, and Rindou would bother him with, “my lady, do you need help?” Or “let me open the door for you,” and the three clowns would snicker while Koko rolls his eyes.

- Sanzu and Rindou had a fart competition once, and Koko kicked them out for a week. Mikey did not complain.

- Mikey sometimes falls asleep in very questionable places, and the rest of Bonten would forget... They forget Mikey... And leave without him. Only for Sanzu to panic once they are in the car and makes whoever is in the wheel turn around.

- Kakucho sometimes feels uncomfortable when alone with Ran because he remembers how the older haitani thought he was dead. Ran feels the tension but doesn't say anything.

- Kakucho cried the first time he had sex with Y/N, and they both panicked.

- There was a time where none wanted to touch Y/N because they were scared of breaking her.

- Mikey forced Kokonoi into the relationship at first. The man was so stubborn and didn’t even want to read Y/N’s files.

- Koko sometimes forgets Mikey is in Bonten and thinks he’s the smallest member, and once he remembers, Koko breathes again.

- Because they tend to be splattered with blood, they take weekly/monthly blood tests. It was Koko’s idea.

- That’s how they know how “clean” they are.

- Koko also insisted on making Y/N use a birth control patch, just in case. They don’t want surprises. (I have a chapter planned for this one)

- At first, they didn’t know how to share Y/N. There were fights, huge fights.

- Rindou tried to teach Y/N some self-defense and asked her to do whatever she knew on him. Like a test. Y/N kicked his crotch. Sanzu, Kakucho, Ran, and Takeomi laughed. Mikey looked impressed, and Mochi went for ice.

- Once, Y/N made them go into those tandem bicycles, and Koko’s hair kept hitting Kakucho in the face.

- Ran and Rindou tried to kidnap Y/N once. Mikey didn’t like that.

- Sanzu is forbidden from giving Y/N any kind of pill.

- Y/N likes playing Pokémon go. She makes Takeomi drive her around sometimes.

- once, Bonten tried to make Y/N wear T-shirts with their faces or “property of ____” and their faces. But she refused. Y/N later went and said only ONLY if you all wear that⬇️ with her face on them. Koko choked.

- Sanzu, Ran, Rindou and Kakucho said yes. Instantly.

- Y/N was not expecting that reaction; it was a joke.

- Sanzu ordered them.

- Y/N screamed.

- Silently, Koko, Takeomi, and Mikey slid a pair off of Sanzu’s order.

- Y/N saw👀 that. Y/N screamed again.

[fic-dumpster]

I kinda wonder if y/n has friends? If she does how does she even tell her friends that she's dating the bonten boys 😂

How do you tell someone you’re kind of dating seven dudes... That’d be wild 😂😂💕 (🥺🫂btw I like your questions) | based on DIHU

Close friends/family? Prob not.

That’s why it was so easy for Bonten to do whatever the hell they wanted with you. Nobody to ask questions if you disappeared :c a lonely girl is an easy prey.

But some casual friends like from work or uni? Yeah, kinda.

Before, when Bonten began picking you up from uni. Some curious classmates asked who is the “guy” picking you up.

Your classmates say guy because the fancy cars had tinted windows, and every day it was a different car.

But you never gave a straight answer. Most of the times they asked, you evaded the question. Honestly, you didn't know what to say.

Until, one day, you were late to leave a class. It just so happened to be Ran and Rindou’s turn to pick you up. And just your luck, Sanzu, and Kokonoi accompanied them.

You weren’t anywhere in sight, and the four men in the car were begging to worry. So they decided to look for you.

Expensive shoe soles clapped on your college floor. Eyes roamed the fancy suits the four men wore. But they paid no mind to those curious bystanders. Too focused on finding you.

Finally, they saw you chatting with a group of students. You were discussing a project for a subject and forgot about time.

Ran didn't like the proximity; he knew it was petty of him, but what could he do? He loves you.

So with quick steps, he reached your side and wrapped an arm around your waist.

And so did Rindou, Sanzu, and Kokonoi.

Soon you were surrounded by them.

Your classmates were startled by the sudden actions. Everything was too fast.

After the shock, they asked who they were, and as always, you stayed quiet, not knowing what to say or how to describe this new relationship of yours.

Another one of your classmates asked with excitement if he was the guy from the fancy cars, pointing towards Ran, who still had his arm wrapped around you.

But to your surprise, they answered for you.

“Yeah, it's me,” said Ran, only to be followed by the other three. “And me,” “and me,” “me too,”

There was a very uncomfortable silence, and two of your classmates had their mouths open with really shocked expressions.

“Are you- Are- is- is he your boyfriend?” One had the guts to ask.

You stood there speechless, with no idea on how to address your peculiar relationship.

But Ran, Sanzu, Rindou, and Koko said a big yes, at the same time. As if it was rehearsed.

Sensing you were done with that conversation, Ran pulled you away after saying your goodbyes. Sanzu and Rindou flanked your sides as Kokonoi went to hold your hand.

Yeah, college was weird after that.

Mikey scolded them for that public appearance. But not for claiming what was theirs.

The next day, Takeomi and Kakucho waited for you. In a convertible. Your eyes almost pop out of your sockets. There were only two seats.

Kakucho, who sat in the passenger seat, patted his lap. You refused at first, it was illegal.

You forgot who they were. And that they did it on purpose.

Now face to face with Kakucho, the belt wrapping you both. Your cheeks heated.

The day after the convertible stunt, Mikey’s extra ass pulled up in a bike. You almost passed out from the amount of unnecessary attention on you lately.

After all that, you only allowed Mochi to be near your school. Until, of course, you stopped attending... due to unknown reasons.

[fic-dumpster]

Oh! I have another idea

What if you..

And then you..

And then it’ll turn into something like this..

It’s a great idea right? :D

✨ The power of creativity ✨

Revenge… that’s been on your mind since that day. You couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t eat, you couldn’t think. All your thoughts were on taking back your pride.

What if you had taken a different path? Today would have been a sunny day, a cheerful day. But no. Not today. The cry of war burned in your heart.

You saw them, the six perpetrators, chilling in there as if nothing had happened. As if you hadn’t been wronged. And then you saw it—your two first victims leaving the room, walking side by side. Ran and Rindou never saw you coming.

Both brothers just left the meeting room, on their way to whatever Mikey had ordered them. With quick and silent steps, you ran as fast as your legs could take you. With both of your hands wide open. And... you hit their asses with all your strength. A smacking sound echoed in the empty hall. Rindou jumped from the impact while Ran let out a cry of surprise. But you didn't stop running; you left them there, staring at your despairing figure as they both held their backsides in shock. Your laughter was the only evidence of your presence.

“Ran...” murmured the younger Haitani.

“Rindou...” said Ran at the same time.

“Did Y/N...” asked Rindou.

“Yeah...” continued Ran.

“Not a word,” began the purplenette.

“To anyone,” finished Ran, who was still holding his ass cheek.

And your vengeance for your sore ass began. Two down four to go.

[fic-dumpster]

Koko: look y/n! I bought you this Chanel dress!

Y/N: oh thanks

Kakucho: here you have, your ice cream.

Y/N: I LOVE IT! You’re the best 🥺 do you want to share it with me?

Koko: *eye tik*

Sanzu: Koko, don’t take it personal.

Rindou: yeah, you can’t share a dress with Y/N

Ran & Takeomi: *facepalms*

Mikey: how did we get so far in this business

Mochi: hi everyo- *sees Koko in the middle of a breakdown, Y/N and Kakucho eating ice cream, Rindou and Sanzu trying the dress on their chests, Ran and Takeomi questioning the sanity of their younger brothers*

Mochi: *shakes head and leaves*

[fic-dumpster]

After reading It's cold

Y/N remembers she knows how to knit and makes Kakucho a Sweater and for Mikey some socks because that man know no other way of footwear than flip flops

Y/n: here for you :3

Kakucho and Mikey: *dying from cuteness*

The boys planing how to get a handmade gift because peace was never an option in this gang

I feel like I made a lot of ask but I can contain myself this au is so damn cute

Headcanons? 😅 NANDIJAKDOF ta-da?

And they don’t know shit about crafts and handmade stuff.

Like I can see them trying to make soap bars and following YouTube tutorials and Sanzu trying to chop the soap with his Katana.

Then maybe after that doesn’t go as planned and trying to stop Mikey from biting the colorful soap bars, Ran and Rindou searched the Internet for something like “handmade for girlfriend. Gifts easy to do” 😂💕 and somehow they find crayon art...

Abort mission. Somehow Kakucho accidentally blew the wax towards Kokonoi and now his hair is kinda burnt... He screamed.

We skipped Takeomi and Kakucho going through the school section at the store... That was something....

Just imagine two big dudes with scars on their faces... Buying a cart of idk crayola crayons in the american section because the tutorial had that american brand.

Takeomi:buy any crayons!It's the same🤦🏻‍♂️

Kakucho: No☝️, the video showed the American ones.

Btw, Mochi took you out for some shopping as an excuse to keep you out of the house.

Handmade chocolates were out of the question. They all remember the White day fiasco (dont ask I will elaborate soon)

Rindou found this “Reasons why I love you” DIY idea. And they tried.

Koko: *sees what Sanzu wrote* you can't tell Y/N that!

Sanzu: why not? Is true.

Ran: you cant because I already wrote about her butt.

Koko: that’s not-

Takeomi: be more creative, you idiot

Kakucho: Mikey wrote about her soft boobs.

Rindou: yeah, exactly. Look at mine; I wrote about her pussy's gorilla grip.

Koko: *face contorted in pain* no...

Koko burned it all... Shouting about how they were a bunch of degenerates. The intention was there, but their wording... 😔

Finally Koko had enough and purchased tickets to a cruise…

Y/N: *arrives* *smells smoke* Takeomi! Don't smoke with the windows closed!

Everyone: *hiding everything* YES TAKEOMI!

Takeomi: ಠ_ಠ

To be continued? 😣

[fic-dumpster]

Bonten asks you to show them how you masturbate

Y/N: idk… can I watch a tutorial?🥺

Sanzu: you mean p*rn?

Y/N: no, no. A tutorial

Rindou: exactly, p*rn

Y/N: no no, no no, a tutorial.

Everyone: P*RN!

Y/N: TUTORIAL, I SAID

Based on this

[fic-dumpster]

I have a problem with Sanzu and Rindou being dumb and dumber... Like serious issues.

Anyway! Based on this post ajsndkdne HERE

Sanzu & Rindou: the finger would stop the bullet

Takeomi. Mikey, Ran, Koko, Kakucho, Mochi: No, you would lose an arm.

Sanzu & Rindou: YES IT DOES STOP THE BULLET!

Everyone: NO!

Mikey: *takes out a gun* put your finger in the barrel and stop the damn bullet then.

Rindou: Okay

Ran: FUCK NOO! *hold his brother*

Sanzu: Okay, then I'll do it.

Takeomi: Okay, it's for science.

Y/N: What the hell is going on here?! *sees Sanzu with a finger in a gun* Why would you all let him do that?!?!

Kokonoi: it’s for science

Y/N: what? No?! *pulls Sanzu away*

A/N: I wanna clarity that these kinds of events happen when they are high 😂💕. Sanzu is smart, and Rindou... ಠ_ಠ uh…

ALSO, DO NOT PUT YOUR FINGERS ON GUNS PLS!

[fic-dumpster]

✨koko’s hair✨

Are you trying to invoke the power of random creativity 😂😂💕 or something? Oh, well... Okay the drabble is not a drabble anymore. Dun dun dunnnn💀 | w: use of alcohol, inebriated reader

ANON LISTEN! You!!! You smart little icon with dark glasses!! I could do smth like this for my 1k event... Oh... The possibilities.

“Koko! What is this thing?” You gawked at the very exotic and expensive-looking bottle on his table. It was this brownish color with an elephant on the label.

“Some liqueur that Mikey sometimes orders because it's very sweet,” Kokonoi didn't look up from the document on his desk. “It’s called Amarula,”

“Can I try some?” You were curious; the bottle had caught your attention. “Please, just a taste!”

Kokonoi nodded without paying much attention; the drink was not very strong, so Koko didn't think much of it. “Just fill a glass with ice to the top and pour a little.”

You excitedly skipped towards his minibar, taking out a whisky glass and filling it with ice. You had always liked the shape of those mini glasses. “Koko! Like this?” you showed him the amount of ice in the short crystal. Glancing your way, he nodded. Opening the sealed bottle, you poured some in your glass—watching how the liquid melted the ice with sparkling eyes.

Less than a third of the bottle down, you already felt kind of weird. The flavor was good, and the thick texture felt nice against your tongue. Of course, you weren't supposed to have more than one sip... But Koko was very busy, and Takeomi and Sanzu weren't here yet to report to Koko. Then you all could leave. So you decided to kill time with your new liquid friend.

Kokonoi didn't notice you getting tipsier by the minute; he also didn't see your tumbling form nearing his desk. It was too late. You pounced on him—scattering all his papers and some pens everywhere. The long-haired man barely had time to catch you on his lap. “Y/N! What in the-” Kokonoi was cut short by your cheeks being shoved against his face. Your hands explored the long strands of silvery-white hair—a small giggle left your lips.

“You’re so soft,” you even began massaging his scalp as your face kept caressing his own, “I love your hair, but don't let Koko know, okay?” You purred—hands still very much deep in his mane. “Oh, you’re so pretty,” you cooed.

Kokonoi Hajime, Bonten executive, was currently under attack, and he was losing the battle. His red-heating face was proof of that. No words could come out of his mouth as you kept throwing praises his way.

The sound of footsteps alerted Kokonoi. Sanzu and Takeomi had arrived. The flustered man tried to pray your hands off of his face and hair but to no avail. You resisted, nuzzling even more against the man.

As soon as the Akashi brothers stepped in, they saw your very cat-like state. Were you curled up against Kokonoi?

“What is going on with Y/N?” Sanzu couldn't help but notice your strange behavior. You were still playing with Kokonoi’s hair.

“I- I think she’s drunk,” muttered Kokonoi—having already given up on trying to stop your activities.

“What?” Takeomi couldn't believe Kokonoi let you drink so much, “What did you give-” he saw the uncapped bottle of Amarula on the table and an empty glass. “Koko, what the hell? It’s 17% of alcohol!”

“So?” asked now Sanzu, confused. Takeomi facepalmed at the pinknette remark.

-

After Sanzu and Takeomi filled their reports by themselves because Koko was very busy with a handsy-drunk-you on his lap, you all left the office. But in the hall, your steps faltered, causing the three men to go to your aid.

“You shouldn't touch me!” You swatted their hands away, “Bonten executives won't like you touching me; you’ll be skinned alive.” you said with a serious expression.

“And why is that?” Sanzu played your drunk game with a broad smile on his face.

“Because silly, I belong to them, duh.” the duh broke them. Sanzu doubled up in laughter as Kokonoi and Takeomi fell to the walls, hitting the surface with their fists while laughing. “This is not funny! Your lives are in danger!”

Yes, indeed, they were in danger but of your lovely drunk behavior.

[fic-dumpster]

could u imagine one of the bonten boys purposely smearing food on their face so y/n comes up to them with a napkin to clean it off for them, JUST so they can get closer to y/n? 😩 PLS..

Sometimes I feel ppl would question this and say “that’s childish” WELL GUESS WHAT IRL MEN ARE CHILDISH AF SO THIS IS THE MOST REAL/CANON ASK EVER MUAHAHAHAHA *pats head* you came to the right place, my darling. (Also there’s that one part with Koko in a heated morning if you wanna check it out :3).

P.s. I imagine two not one. *wink*

“Mikey, you have some rice flour on your cheeks,” you moved with a napkin in hand towards him.

“Yeah? It must be from the mochi I ate” he swatted his cheek before you could reach him.

“No, the other check,” you told him. He scrubbed his other cheek, but the white spots were still there. “No, wait, let me,” now, you brought the napkin up and cleaned the white mess, leaving a kiss on his reddening cheek. “There.” Mikey didn’t say anything, but his bashful expressions told you enough.

Two pairs of curious eyes saw the exchange and wanted the same treatment from you, so they picked up some of the leftover Mochi that rested on the table before smashing it onto each other’s faces.

Kokonoi, who was peacefully reading the newspaper, saw the stupid exchange between none other than Bonten’s own dumb and dumber, in other words, Sanzu and Rindou. And he was worried you would get mad at them for dirtying the table you put so much effort in. Besides, not everyone had eaten yet. He doesn't want a Y/N mad. Nobody does.

So as a good samaritan, Kokonoi got a napkin from the table and tried to reach the pair. Only for both of the perpetrators to mouth silent no’s in his direction. Kokonoi didn't understand their stupidities. So he pressed the action.

“Koko, even though you’re so smart, sometimes you are really stupid,” murmured a white faced Sazu.

“What the hell do you mean?” Kokonoi whispered back; since those two were murmuring, he thought he should follow as well.

Rindou made circles over his mouth and then made crossed hai arms in an X shape. Kokonoi saw that and couldn't help but laugh. His loud laugh called your attention, and when you turned around, you had to make a double-take. As fast as you could, you left Mikey with his sweets, and you looked at them once again. And you couldn't believe what you saw. There, looking right into your eyes, Sanzu and Rindou with rice flour up to their foreheads, even a little of the white powder was on their clothes.

What made you chuckle as you retrieved more napkins was their eyes asking, no, screaming for your attention. Sometimes you wonder if you were a couple or you had adopted a daycare.

Seeing you were still pretty far from them. In between whispers, Rindou and Sanzu said to Kokonoi, “You’re gonna thank us later,” and smashed the rice cakes on Kokonoi’s face. One mochi per cheek.

Kokonoi, with closed eyes, moved slowly. And as soon as his hand held the newspaper he had left earlier on the table, he rolled it and attempted to smash it on any of the duo’s heads.

As you moved in between the chairs, you saw them swatting at each other. Rindou, holding Kokonoi’s arm as the long-haired man tried to smash his rolled newspaper on Sanzu’s head. At the same time, the pinknette grabbed Kokonoi’s leg, probably stopping him from kicking Rindou.

Meanwhile, Mikey kept munching on his sweets, ignoring his so-called crime lords executives.

Another normal morning in your place with Bonten. Nothing out of the ordinary.

[fic-dumpster]

Yn: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Sanzu: Only if you also don't ask why

Sanzu: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

Yn:

Sanzu:

Yn: This one is fine

The rest of Bonten see Y/N passing by with a skull in hand.

*chorus of sighs*

Koko: SANZU!!!

[fic-dumpster]

Yn-brings a stray home-

Mikey: -who cant say no to her but also jealous because she's paying more attention to the stray- .....

I have no words for how my mind works... Im sorry

Also, Mikey: Why did you bring Sanzu here?

Y/N & Sanzu: *looking at each other*

Y/N: he was lost *points at Sanzu*

Sanzu: *nods*

Mikey: out

Y/N & Sanzu: but 🥺🥺🥺

Mikey🙄: okay, only for today

Ran/Rindou/Kaku: *barge in at hearing the okay*

Y/N: you all heard him! Only for today!! 🥳

[fic-dumpster]

Baji: words hurt

Chifuyu: it depends

Someone in their class: no they don’t

Baji: *throws a dictionary at him* NOW DO THEY?!

Chifuyu: *facepalm*

[fic-dumpster]

Kinky questions with Bonten

Y/N: If I buy cute underwear, would you cut it off of me?

Sanzu: ʕʘ‿ʘʔ 🔪

Ran: 🔪( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 🔪

Rindou: (´ཀ`) yes

Kakucho: _(:c 」∠)_ *too much but still does it*

Kokonoi: No, because women’s underwear is expensive. *says no but actually does it and buys more*

[fic-dumpster]

Y/N: hey, do you all think we can spend a normal day together?

Bonten: ... Sure

And it goes like...

[fic-dumpster]

:) hello, I laughed at the comment where they mention the child of the future, if and / n he had children with his poor, it must have hurt, but they are going to have daycare hahaha I hope they don't have girls if they are like that with the reader imagine a girl and if they are boys they would be boys from mommy :)

HABSHAHAS, okay, let's suppose that Y/N gets pregnant... IMAGINE THE CHAOS AT FIRST AHAHAH they would be jumping at each other’s necks saying im the father or smth. With how often they... Hmm, “share” Y/N. Everyone believes the child is his. Until the DNA test, which they have to wait until the baby is born because yk for a dramatic effect ill make them wait 😂😂.

For humoristic purposes only:

Sanzu: why do we have to take the test? Can Y/N take it?

Rindou: yeah, I have never studied in my life. I don't think I'm ready.

Ran: what?

Koko: rindou, omg, shut up. SANZU?!? Who’s carrying the baby?!?!

Sanzu: *picks up Mikey* I am.

Y/N: That’s it, those two are discarded from being fathers. Takeomi! You! You take first place.

Kakucho: *smacks Sanzu and Rindou in the head* don't stress a pregnant lady. You idiots.