#olease for the love of god i lromise im trying i promise

[nosecondivelived]

vent tw suicide tw

was just about to make a post about what a good day today has been but then got hit by a sudden wave of unexplainable sadness /srs /lh

i want to get better, i do but sometimes i feel like its all pointless. i had a great lunch today, went to see wakanda forever, which is like one of the best films ive ever seen, i hadnt been this happy in fucking ages man. but im still here, alone at night, sitting in my room. this is the happiest ive been recently, but i still want to kill myself. theres an idea associated with the joker that one bad day can turn even the best person into a horrible one. sometimes i think thats true, mostly because if it is true, then that means that one good day could turn a horrible person into a good one, or a miserable person into the most joyful jolly bastard youve ever seen. but that cant be true because ive had the best fucking day ive had in ages and im still goddamn miserable. if a day as great as this one doesnt make me not want to slit my fucking throat and jump off a building then what am i fucking waiting for. the only reason ive been alive is that i dont want to go out without fighting, but its been so fucking long. im so fucking tired. i have no who i can tell about this irl, so ive had to spend years being my own goddamn intervention. i got into ongoing tv shows so i wouldnt off myself cause i had to know what happened next. i booked concert tickets and set my sights on things i loved months and years in advance because i knew otherwise i would off myself. im so sick of this. why god why please. i need to get better, i cant stand feeling like this, i cant stand living like this. its been years, ive had good days, but i always end up alone at night thinking of ways to kill myself. its been so long. ive been trying to get better please i have i promise i have please please please i cant do this anymore please god i cant i fuxking cant i cant i cant i cant i cant please god why olease okease please okease i cant fuxking do this okease god please i want to get better please im trying i promise ive been trying but irs mot fuckinh working i cant god i cant holy fuck i cant i just cant pkease please please please why god why please