#okay that is extremely relieving. like i knew it's psychosis and i'm okay and it's SO much milder than it used to be

[wizardnuke]

well i need to go to bed but i took a psychosis screen for funsies (idle curiosity. mild and well managed psychosis over here) and. One. got Extremely jumpscared by a question. which to clarify i have always been aware that the thing is a psychosis thing but like i didn't know that it was so common. two. there's a term for it and research on it and all that. woag. Woag. holy shit. woag Wow woah wowie

[chronically-obsessive-compulsive]

Diagnosis Acceptance

I'm scared.

I don't normally admit that sort of thing, but I'm scared. Recently I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I should be happy- so many of the things in my life that made me feel like something was wrong with me make sense now. I was happy. I was relieved. But now the old fears that I had- that kept me from getting this diagnosis in the first place are coming back.

I think I’ve known for a long time that I’ve had a mood disorder. My best friend also has Bipolar 1 and, although she kept telling me that the things I was telling her about my mood sound like mania and depression, I was in denial. The truth is that I didn’t want another diagnosis- and a serious one at that. I’ve dealt with OCD for a long time. Accepting that I needed help for that was hard enough. Finally opening up to a psychiatrist about my intrusive thoughts was hard enough. But now I have Bipolar 1? 

All of this is so new for me. Antipsychotics. Mood stabilizers. Realizing all of the times that I’ve been in psychosis and never knew. Realizing all the times I’ve been manic- for months at a time- and never knew. It’s so much information to process all at once. 

And the dreaded thought: I have to live the rest of my life like this. 

I have to spend the rest of my life going between medications and going through this. I thought things were escalating over the last three years, but I have to go the rest of my life like this? I feel like I’ve barely been able to make it through this. I’ve even started hallucinating pretty frequently with my mania, as if the delusions and extreme paranoia weren’t enough. 

I know that nothing would be different without a diagnosis. And I’m happy that I can be medicated now and hopefully cope with this disorder better. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have this diagnosis- or any of them. I just want to be okay.

Sorry for the long rant post, I’m just really struggling right now.

- Juno