#okay it wasn't that intense i was exaggerating to get my point across

[nedlittle]

Top 5 MCR songs? Also, top 5 Gerard Way Looks?

beginning to think i didn't think this through because i have so much love in my heart that choosing favourite songs feels illegal. they're all my favourite (except for blood which I think is hilarious as a concept but would never voluntarily listen to it) however

vampires will never hurt you - they immediately peaked with this one i genuinely think it's in top 3 songs they've ever written on sheer technical creativity. the first 30 seconds send a spike of pure adrenaline through my body. i could lift a bus if vampires was playing in the bg. absolutely deranged choice for a first single yet absolutely in character for them. love that half the songs off bullets don't even feel like songs that are verse > chorus > verse > chorus > bridge > chorus. they're just stories set against the sicknastiest guitar you've ever heard. but vampires in particular feels like everyone is performing until they pass out the energy doesn't flag for half a second. perfect song. i could listen to it every day and not get tired of it

boy division - iconic from start to finish. the amount of time tourists walked in one me going absolutely sicko mode to this one on slow days is at LEAST 3. love how tongue-in-cheek the lyrics are wrt to legacy and image love that i have listened to this song approximately 4000 times since mid-july and yet i do not know half the lyrics bc someone will not enunciate. putting it after foundations on setlists is such a fun choice because it really doesn't give you a second to breathe. going straight from the healing and awe and resilience of being told to fix your heart IMMEDIATELY into IFALLMYENEMIESTHREWAPARTY--

the foundations of decay - i know i'm prone to exaggeration and hyperbole but this one is dead fucking serious. the first time i listened to foundations i was like oh wow new music! and i liked it well enough but didn't seek it out or really think about it that much the first few times i heard it and then during the summer i saw some fanart and thought oh hm maybe i should give foundations another listen and that time i heard "you must fix your heart" clear as a fucking bell like a bolt of lightning clean through down to the centre of me right when i was experiencing such intense existential dread about turning 25--an age i never thought i'd reach--and not having a stable job or future that i thought i would lay down and die from it. you must fix your heart!! and you must build an altar where it swells!! i just had such a profound experience hearing that lyric and i listened to just the bridge over and over again for a week until i could hear it like static in my ears even when it wasn't playing. you must fix your heart. if i remember and get over my fear of appointments i'm going to get this tattooed on my human body. i mean this forever.

mama - do not need to explain this one. ray toro i would fight god for you thank you for taking a dare to write a rock polka 100% seriously and as a result transgenderizing millions of people across the globe on a daily basis. also up there in top 3 songs they've ever written. screaming YOU SHOULD HAVE RAISED A BABY GIRL I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER SON with thousands of people would both fix me and make me worse. LIZA MINNELLI is there

our lady of sorrows - the childhood catholicism really jumped out with this one but in my defense stand up fucking tall don't let them see your back and take my fucking hand and never be afraid again. gay-ass epic of gilgamesh-ass punk song. i know the point is that it's short but also i wish it were 10 minutes long

okay jesus christ we're putting the looks under a read more because i'm going to end up writing a phd thesis on each of them and the good people who followed me for other things shouldn't have to scroll 10 km uphill in the snow to see other posts

i am limiting these looks to recent tour fits because otherwise we will be here for the next 7 years and i will end up burning all the hair off my scalp in another bad dye job SO let's watch me get embarrassing

gerard of arc

protestants invented the rapture so they could describe mcr. we knew this one was coming the only question was when a joan outfit was coming and boy howdy did they deliver. i don't know if this one would have been as impactful if there wasn't already a mini-joan canon within their discography but because there have been years and years of build up to gerard going full joan, waking up and seeing this was pure vindication. also helps that i'm a big fan of the og joan fit at voodoofest in 2008 (2007?). love the change from the red skirt that's often associated with joan (especially in millais' painting) to a red cape so that instead it's chainmail all the way down. also there's something so striking about a chainmail gown. apart from the arm braces and the piece at the breastbone there's no real armour, even regular textiles that look like armour--i mean, practicality. you don't wanna pass out midway through na na na. also the BLOOD post-stake joan and the big ass buckle boots! i'm so glad someone got a visual on the boots bc the shoes often make or break an outfit for me and i was trying to figure out wtf they had underrneath the gown without sounding like a perv. the little joan sticker on his wizard noise tower. saints for girls. give this bitch a sword. if i talk about this too long i will be fully insane. moving on

2. high school english teacher who you homoerotically imprinted on but specifically with the jacket + glasses

feel like i do not need to explain this one. best they've ever looked unironically. it was all over for me the second i saw the pearl bracelet. the day after this happened i went to the heterosexual wedding of a high school friend in what i can only describe as a slightly more masc version of this fit which was likened by my friends to both a dead victorian child and a medieval knight. this look was my lockscreen until joan happened and genuinely my life has not known a single moment of peace since. i am not exaggerating when i say that on nights i knew there was a show i had trouble sleeping because i was tormented by the idea of gerard way out in public wearing a cunty little outfit. one night i genuinely woke up in a cold sweat and the first coherent thought was "what if an outfit happened" because i am Extremely Normal. i invented a brand new emotion looking at this and that emotion is 'gender horny' and no i do not know what that means. someone needs to take me out back and old yeller me i can't keep living like this. next

3. cheergate original flavour

i wasn't following the tour rabidly or having Hot Kit Emo Summer yet so the morning after cheergate og i was innocently scrolling through tumblr, saw fanart, and went wait. WAIT. and then mine eyes were blessed by images and the little gay people in my phone going from awe to horniness back to awe at breakneck speed. if this hadn't been on my day off i'm not sure how i would have coped. you think i would have been able to balance a cashbox in the wake of cheergate? i can barely do that under normal circumstances. sometimes gender is a horseshoe that swings back around to you with someone else's euphoria, sometimes it's contagious like laughter. the delicately puffed sleeves are what does me in specifically. puffed sleeves pristine white sneakers tiny little socks smooth ass legs. if i think for more than three minutes about the possibility of the cheerleading dress being the defining outfit of the return era i immediately get a tension headache. there are kids who got into mcr during the break up and this is going to be THEIR gerard....i need to put my head into a blender.

4. cunt dragula/count fagula

99% perfect recreation of bela lugosi in dracula 1931 HELLO?? (1% imperfect because the tailcoat is cut weirdly high both for a beat-by-beat recreation and 1930s evening wear in general and i cannot stop looking at it) i love this one bc it's just so Fun and the details are so theatre kid-y that i am reduced to self-recognition through the other. tinted hair gel. white foundation. drawn-on eyebrows. the way the cape swishes. we love to have fun here this one looked so fun to wear. even though i am not a big fan of dracula 1931 i am Not Immune to dracula 1931. glad there was a gud evening 9 years in the making :)

5. pool boy at the vampire mansion

fully-fledged character in 6 words. pool boy at the vampire mansion is like a mother to me. this falls into the category of outfits that i have deemed in my Big Spreadsheet of Tour Outfits (i am extremely mentally healthy thank you for asking) 'camp counsellor fits'. looks EXTREMELY comfy and even though it's so simple, everything works together so well even the clear face mask which i always forget exists. i love you tiniest shorts on planet earth. i love you crooked hand-lettered t-shirt handmade with love. i love you black converse. i would say more about this but the thing about living with your parents at 25 is that if my mother comes upstairs to drag me to the dinner table she will see me being extremely abnormal about gerard way online.

bonus points to: nurse (made me reread hanif abdurraqib's extremely wonderful black parade essay also gave me insane emotions re: my own concepts of health and chronic pain lol), lil ghostie (my close personal friend :^)), fruit bat drag queen (newark 1, would have been #4 if not for dracula)

[aita-collections]

This is <<<Gloria>>> I came across this post and I fele the need to clarify some. Sorry this is late. No @aitainfothrowaway I didn't chicken out, I just have a life.

You might wonder how I found this post. I'm a long time follower or aita Tumblr. Funny enough, I'm the one who introduced op to it. I did NOT expect her to make an account and send something about me fully knowing I might read it, she isn't a Tumblr person and I doubt she's aware she's in the nd website plus where I live ableism is commonplace too so uh I guess don't take her too seriously. I sorta framed it in a [haha look what I found it's called aita and it's interesting] kind of way cuz I didn't want to tell her I'm on Tumblr so she doesn't ask about my blog. Basically I doubt she actually sent this specifically to get on my nerves and suspect she just wanna vent. <<<Sorry for being the reason this was put on your dashes>>>

I knew about the og aita about our carpooling situation but I bited my tongue back then, I didn't want to start a fight and get in trouble with hr, good news is, I don't work there anymore so I can reply here with no consequence since op has no idea where I work. When I first read this post, I knew this situation sounded familiar but I wasn't 100% sure if op was my coworker, until the additional infos were posted, that is. Btw, I quit because op was actively trying to turn people against me and I couldn't take it, despite learning my coworkers didn't actually take her seriously and knew I'm not the kind of person she insists is. It was more for my mental health cuz I couldn't talk about this without having to be involved with hr which I didn't want to do for multiple reasons. I found a better job offer and I'm more comfortable now.

As many have guessed, I am indeed autistic; I struggle with interpersonal relationships and I do not have a regular access to therapy. I couldn't mention this at work because I could lose my job. You see, we're required to disclose this info which I didn't cuz I'm self diagnosed and they demanded a formal diagnosis for autism. Those cost an arm and a leg and they wouldn't even accommodate us so what's even the point, I dunno T_T

I do admit to have an issue with boundaries so I tend to stay formal so I wouldn't cross any lines, but that sorta gives the impression I'm "distant" not to mention my inherent resting bitch face which op was the only one who gave me shit for it at work. She wanted us be closer and wanted me to be more "open" and "comfortable" with her, she also said numerous times that there are no.. boundaries? between us (sort of a saying in our language to imply you don't need to ask for permission to do stuff, I don't know how to translate it well) which led me to accidentally crossing boundaries (went through her bag, a couple of jokes went too far etc)

I apologized for those and again after her outburst (while yelling at me after the incident with Maddy) and later she said she wasn't even mad and it wasn't a big deal, she even said it was okay if I did it again, for some reason. I didn't take her up on that, I didn't do it again. Yet she reported me to hr for them 7 months (!!!) after the fact just to get back at me for demanding she pays the money she owes me.

Also note, op is exaggerating about me having no friends. It was my first week at work when she joined us, of course I didn't have friends there YET. I wasn't opposed to the idea of befriending someone and I was over the moon she talked to me. She was my only "friend" at work for a while because all of my energy was focused on her. Ironically after we stopped being close I actually managed to have the time to make multiple friends at work who also helped me through the breakdowns caused by her.

I accepted op's offer to hang out with the intention of getting to know each other better because I tend to choose my friends carefully. I did get the feeling she was ~intense~ but I didn't figure out it was an obsession she had on me until I was told by my friend who I'll refer to as Eve [28F] Little did I knew at the time the truth about op because she never let me knew her real self or feelings until after a long time yet she didn't accept that I had my own pace and that I didn't consider her as a friend as quickly as she did which she thinks is ungrateful of me despite all the ~favors~ she did. I really tried to connect with her, I tried to find if we had common interests, but nothing. Whenever I spoke about an interest of mine, she never engaged with me, so I stopped talking about it and decided to ask her questions to get her to talk about herself, but she never engaged either. All she wanted to talk about was gossip. I should have saw it as a sign not to trust her, but my brain assumed she was doing that because she trusted me and I let her gossip even though it made me uncomfortable. Then she started gossiping about me to other coworkers and here I realized it was never about trust so I set the boundary of not wanting to hear her gossip about other people and enforced it (after we made up because obviously I was upset she gossiped about me) I assume this is what op meant by me putting more boundaries for spite.

About Eve. She used to work in a different branch, but was transferred to mine after a long time, she wanted to be closer to home. I had known op for 4 months at that point and she had been the only one I was hanging out with during them, but when Eve was transferred I wanted to hang out with her too, I was intending to introduce them to each other and hang out the 3 of us but op didn't take that well and accused me of hating her and abandoning her for Eve, which was weird to me because op is friends with like 10-20 coworkers but I'm only allowed 1 friend?

Funny enough, I didn't even distance myself from her the way she's describing. She just reads too much into whatever I say or do and takes it personally despite my clear communication. True example: I said "Having to work 6 days in a row is such a pain, I'll get tired." And somehow she victimized herself over it, reported it to the manager who dismissed it because obviously. And op confronted me about it 2 months later only to find out I indeed meant that literally and not whatever she understood. Imagine having to walk on eggshells because everything you say is misinterpret & taken personally? And when I asked her to communicate better next time, she promises she would but never does. She stopped talking to me not because "we had a fight about her being always late" like she said in her other post, I simply said "Ooh, you're here?" Because I thought she would be in her favorite place instead. She interpreted as "wtf get in the car instead of hanging out, you're making me late" when she wasn't even late that day and our shifts haven't ended yet?? She turned absolutely hostile after that and she still hates me for it. No matter what I said to explain I had no ill intentions, she didn't believe me that I said exactly what I meant. She's always looking for hidden passive aggressive.

I only started distancing myself from her for real after she told me we're not close. Multiple times she told me to know my place and that I'm not her sister or best friend. The first time she said that was when she got mad about the bag, which I accepted because that was my bad. But later it became sort a catch phrase for her whenever she wanted to dismiss me? She misinterprets my words and never seeked clarification? Yeah that's because we're not close, it's normal and expected for misunderstandings to happen. I started feeling she seriously wasn't interested in finding solutions for our issues or meeting me in the middle, and wanted me to guess how she feels. She's not interested in an actual friendship. Which is why I decided to be formal with her once again, not friends but strictly professional coworkers who aren't allowed the privileges trusted friends have with me. She got mad I don't want to be her friend anymore and once again I'm ungrateful, for the food, for the rides, for the "effort" she put on me.

<<<As for "Maddy", she's loud but that's about it. She doesn't "yell" her voice is just like that and I guess the urgency makes it sound like she's angry? The only time I heard her actually yell was when op was yelling at her and op was 10x louder. Even when I tried to get between them, Maddy didn't yell at me, unlike op which freaked me out because that's the first time I heard her yell at anyone. Also Maddy calls people saying "hey" which is rude in itself but there are around 500 employees here, I think she just doesn't know our names. I'm not saying Maddy is perfect, she could learn to be more professional but management like her because she's strict and enforces the rules, which is exactly what they want. The other security team are a bit more relaxed and don't enforce all the rules.>>>

Also, about our carpooling situation. <<<I'm aware my actions were easy to misinterpret but I was completely honest, plus op omitted several things. Truth is, when op asked for rides I set a very low price because the situation was supposed to be temporary, I thought a couple of weeks which didn't matter. What she had paid during this time was 1/4th of my gas costs. I was new at the job so I didn't have any plans outside of work, I wanted to spend the first couple of months trying to adjust (it was my first time working in shifts) so I was able to give her rides more than often. After that I started planning for hangouts, trips, family gathering and doctor appointments, which made it difficult to give her rides considered we both live in the middle of nowhere However op continued to ask for rides for a long and I agreed if only she understood I was busy and could only help her whenever I was able it. Around the same time my car completely broke down and I had to borrow my father's car, but its gas costed even more. The fact giving rides to op was more difficult and the commute needed more money, I was trying to find the right time to explain this to her that I'm increasing the price. Like I could have told her I wouldn't give her rides anymore but I didn't want that because I felt bad for leaving her without a ride whenever I actually have the time for it? Her only other alternative is Uber (no buses or subway here) and a single Uber ride costs about 22$. I really thought she'd appreciate riding with me for 2.5$ per ride and was baffled by her reaction, I also felt unappreciated.

Around the same time she started to wonder if I was distancing myself from her for this reason and gave me trouble for it, "vented" to everyone about it I was put in a difficult position. I only knew about the gossip after I had decided to raise the price, and it ended up to be the worst timing ever because the boundaries needed to be addressed asap. She didn't believe me also she admitted to not knowing math and didn't understand how I calculated the price, even though I explained it to her to a T, she was convinced I charged her more what was agreed on despite the fact I was giving her DISCOUNTS. She argued monthly but I doubled down because I though it was a fair price but I didn't argue until she started being late everyday which was in need to address, she got upset and stopped coming with me. Then she refused to pay because according to her she paid me enough and apparently I forced her in my car,, somehow? idk that's what she said and to this day I still have no idea what that means. I demanded the money not because I wanted them, but because she was going around saying I scammed her and I had to prove her wrong, and getting her to surrender and pay was the only way >I thought of.>>>

And for the record, I tend to match the other person's energy and volume. If I'm laughing loud, it's cus op is already doing that. And when she's angry she yells and slam doors and tables. I don't do that obviously as I don't have a temper and I think it's impolite and abusive. I only laugh out loud when I'm having a super good time and after reading this post, it's my first time knowing that I'm triggering her?? I thought she only hated it when people are yelling in anger, not laughing??? Also the "two-faced" comment I made had actual context for it. Op kept going out of her way to interact with coworkers she hated, claiming she's trying to mellow them out or something, and literally 5 seconds later she's bitching about them behind their backs. Multiple times and actually wanting them to "start a fight so she can be justified in fighting back". (Her words, not mine)

When I knew she talked about me behind my back I confronted her, thinking she hated me despite saying she loved me, and she denied it hard. I told her she's treating me the same way she's treating the people she admits she hates and called her two faced. She managed to convince me she actually liked me, but I continued to have doubts because to this day, I still have no idea what she likes about me. She never stated a reason actually? Like even my positive traits like honesty? She doesn't believe I'm honest in the first place. I was starting to feel she's using me for rides and I had to be strict with her. If she wants rides no problem we don't have to pretend we're friends for it, no need to go about it in such a way. I can just treat her as a customer instead, which is what I did after I stopped considering her a friend.

@am-i-the-asshole-official

AITA for being kind and civil with people who drive me insane?

So this is something that happens all the time and it's a pattern so to save your time, I'll only mention the one incident which that I got called out for several times, it's starting to make me think I might be TA.

I (34F) work in a grocery store. Maddy (???F) works in the security department and is in charge for looking through our grocery to ensure we didn't steal anything (our workplace is uncomfortably strict about this since many employees have stole in the past) She is very rude, I never liked her. She makes me so uncomfortable a lot because she yells all the time. At everyone. She never realized how offensive she is.

Anyway, sometimes I'd walk past her after my shift forgetting that I'm carrying grocery bags etc and she'd yell at me to get back there. It's always embarrassing because anyone who witnesses that would most likely assume I'm a shoplifter because of the way she's yelling. She yells about other stuff too mind you, don't think I always forget the fact I'm carrying grocery. They don't allow us to bring our bags inside and we have to keep them in our locker (according to her, I never heard this elsewhere). She yells at me if I try to take my purse with me if I'm in a hurry. She says it's ~the rules~ and we need to follow them but like, she the only security staff who's this strict about it. The others don't even bother to check our groceries because they trust we don't shoplift and it's actually stupid because we could still shoplift anyway and hide the items in our pockets and they don't perform a body check anyway (they used to in the past but were legally required to stop because of Covid).

How do I deal with her though? Every time she'd yell, I reply to her very calmly and attempt small talk to absorb her anger. For example, if she's angry about my grocery, I'd show them to her and ask stuff like "what is you favorite brand of milk/bread/egg etc etc"

She does engage but it never made her actually stop and think about her behaviors for a single second. I have always stopped to chat with her whenever I can and she always speaks calmly when I do, but returns to yelling when I "break the rules" as she says.

But here's the thing. My patience is limited. I'm like a battery, if you keep charging me, I'll eventually explode. I planned remaining civil with Maddy forever, but enough is enough and I accidentally lashed out. I lashed out on her ONCE only, I yelled much louder than she did, for 30 minutes, lecturing her about work etiquette. She was so surprised and taken aback. She told me "where did this all come from?" Like she didn't see it coming? She seriously mistook my patience and tolerance of her behaviors for friendliness. And that was the last time we talked, I reported her to HR the next day because I don't think she'll ever get the memo, and that's when I learned thst so many employees have complained about her already but they can't fire her because she an outsource and has strong connections in her company, management has already talked to her numerous times but she just doesn't listen, so don't call me TA for not communicating, it doesn't work with her.

My friend Gloria (28F) and many others including our manager (F30s) told me I should've not been chatting with her, I should just ignore her and disengage. They think the fact I'm talking kindly to her will just make her assume she isn't doing anything wrong and encourage her to keep behaving like that, and that she'd think I want to be friends??? None of that is my intention. I just want to be civil to her to indirectly get her to realize her behaviors weren't acceptable. I'm setting a good example for her, to learn from me how she should treat people and soften her heart.

I was called TA because they said I didn't have to be civil with her if I knew I might eventually lash out (but lashing out isn't something I planned??), and I should've just avoided her and set boundaries. Gloria told me it's an AH move to go out of my way to interact to someone I despise when ignoring them is an option and that makes me two faced and makes the people around me wonder if I truly like them or I'm basically tolerating them, but this wouldn't happen if I they weren't rude in the first place?

BTW a similar thing eventually happened with Gloria because her attitude sucked with me and I lashed out eventually because enough is enough, she said she should've known not to trust me because of how I treated Maddy and I shouldn't have befriended her if I "hated" her so much. AITA?

[earthtooz]

fast food always looks so GOOD in anime

like that one episode of ouran high school host club when haruhi (is that how you spell her name i forgot) and kyoya were at the mall and they were eating fast food istg i think i drooled over the food

[keewriting]

Cove x MC - One Shot #5 (request)

[Read on google docs to insert your MC's name]

You blinked your eyes open and adjusted to the blearly blue scenery. Your eyes stung, but weeks of practice made the pain bearable. A fish the size of your head swam past you swiftly. You recognized it as Gerald, the parrotfish that you became well acquainted with these past few weeks. Your coworkers helped you come up with the name after realizing how attached he was to the divers. He had a rough scar across his forehead that helped distinguish him from the other fish.

Gerald was one of many fish that lived in the mermaid performance tank. A dimly lit room with space for 60 audience members held the massive circular tank. Cove Holden would stand among those 60 people during the show this afternoon. His presence in the audience induced a mixture of nerves and excitement within you. Three years ago you admitted your feelings to each other but there was still an air of uncertain awkwardness between you two. Despite that, you invited Cove to watch your first live performance today.

You looked at the waterproof stopwatch on your wrist. One minutes and 37 seconds. Your breath-holding record was almost five minutes. Growing up by the ocean gave you years of experience underwater, but the divers at the aquarium taught you techniques to extend your lung capacity. It was enough time to last through the entire four-minute performance.

You swam around the tank, propelled by your finned feet. The tank decorations made it feel like you were exploring the ocean floor. Schools of bright tropical fish populated the coral structures. A variety of colorful aquatic plants shot up from the sand. The previous part-time job you had couldn’t compare to this one. You felt at peace in the water, and more connected to Cove, who you still suspected was a real mermaid.

The pressure in your head increased and you knew it was time to surface for a breath. You checked the stopwatch as you ascended. Four minutes and 49 seconds. A new record. The air filled your lungs desperately when you broke the surface. You had plenty of time to continue practicing before the performance in four hours.

Four hours later

The chatter of a crowd filling the room triggered your nerves. The secret entrance to the mermaid tank hovered above the auditorium out of the audience’s sight. You stood between your two fellow mermaids, gripping the railing to maintain balance on finned feet. You took a deep breath and focused on the ethereal notes of the ocean lullaby.

The show’s director held up a hand to count down from three. Two. One. You followed the lead mermaid into the tank with a graceful dive. The splash of the third diver behind you was your cue to open your eyes. Once again, your sight adjusted underwater. You thrust downward with your fin and pulled up into a full loop. The guidelines for your performance were lax— as long as you executed the main tricks the show would be a success.

Finding Cove in the audience became your first goal. The visibility was low in the tank, but you couldn’t miss his seafoam green locks. He was also the tallest figure standing among a sea of small children. You swam towards his side of the tank, flapping your tail teasingly. As you drew nearer, the features on his face became discernable. The refracting light from the tank reflected beautifully on his ocean eyes. He stared at you adoringly, his mouth hung open.

You winked at him and swam swiftly to the center of the tank to avoid lingering in one spot. One of your mermaid companions held out her hands to you. In unison you held each other’s hands and pressed forward. Your faces met inches apart. She smiled at you sweetly as her long mane drifted around you. The intimacy made you blush, but your mind still drifted to Cove. You both pushed apart from each other into a smooth underwater backflip.

You swam a lap around the tank, waving to everyone in the crowd. The glowing amazement on the children’s faces filled you with warmth. Your pace slowed as you approached Cove. He stepped forward and pressed his hands against the glass. His red cheeks were unmistakable and he looked as captivated as the children on either side of him.

You thrust yourself backwards with your arms pointed above your head. Your core tightened as you performed the drill spin. The spiralling motion made you dizzy, but you recovered and stabilized. You couldn’t resist stealing another glance at Cove. His smile was wide, the childlike wonder apparent in his expression.

The final act on your list was the beloved mermaid kiss. You steadied yourself in front of Cove with your arms outstretched. His eyes widened and he moved his face closer, nose nearly touching the glass. You placed your palms on either side of your mouth and moved them into the shape of a heart while blowing air outward. The burst of bubbles formed into a heart that traveled to the glass in front of Cove. You could hear the faint sound of children squealing, but your eyes focused on Cove’s reaction. His blush deepened and he beamed at you.

Cove's expression sent butterflies to your stomach. His admiration was addicting, but the pressure felt unbearable. Your lungs needed air. You gave one final wave to the crowd and swam upwards to the dock. Your mermaid companions followed suit. The diving assistants helped the mermaids out of the water and into the locker rooms. Too focused on breathing, you all remained silent.

Your mind was racing with thoughts on how you performed and Cove’s perception of you as a mermaid. Earlier this morning you asked him to meet you outside the employee locker rooms after the show. You couldn't wait to hear his thoughts.

After the assistants helped you out of the tail you toweled off and changed into casual clothes. Your hair was still damp, but meeting with Cove was more important than looking presentable.

You bounded out of the locker room offering a quick farewell to your coworkers. The hallway stretched onward with no sign of Cove. You walked forward, hoping that he didn’t forget your plan to meet. As you turned the corner, an out of breath Cove halted in front of you.

Cove: Y/N!

You jumped backward, startled by his enthusiasm.

Cove: Oh my God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.

Y/N: It’s okay! I thought you forgot…

Your eyes lowered from Cove’s face to his hands. He was holding a colorful faux coral figurine and a dolphin balloon. You met his gaze again, one eyebrow raised quizzically. He sighed and offered the treasures to you.

Cove: People usually give bouquets of flowers after a performance, but the gift shop didn’t have any.

You didn’t speak, stunned by his thoughtfulness, but accepted the gifts. Your heart was pounding. Cove continued nervously.

Cove: I know coral isn’t a flower, or even a plant, but it’s pretty, and your performance was pretty. It made sense in my head. I hope it’s not stupid.

You wanted Cove to continue rambling, but he stopped and waited for your reaction. He clenched his fists at his sides. You couldn’t hold back a smile any longer. Relief washed over Cove’s reddened face.

Y/N: You’re seriously cute. Thank you for this.

Cove: It’s nothing, really.

His eyes darted away from you. With the coral in one hand and balloon in the other, you wrapped your arms around Cove. He gasped, but wiggled his arms out from your embrace and returned the hug. You nuzzled your face into his comforting chest. Your damp hair soaked into his t-shirt. When you pulled away you grimaced apologetically at the wet spot.

Y/N: Sorry about that.

Cove: No worries, a hug from a mermaid is always welcome.

He spoke with a hint of flirtation in his voice. You appreciated that Cove was trying.

Y/N: Soooo, what did you think? Spare no details.

Cove: Uh— I think I’ll spare some details.

He looked surprised by his own words, but continued speaking.

Cove: Anyway, I enjoyed it. The tank looked awesome, and the music was nice.

You stared intently at Cove, waiting for him to mention you specifically.

Cove: I thought Gerald did a great job. He almost stole the show.

That got a booming laugh from you. You told many stories to Cove about Gerald the fish and how he lingered near you during practice.

Y/N: I’m impressed you recognized him. Almost stole the show, you say?

You raised your eyebrows at Cove, who appeared like a deer in headlights.

Cove: It was hard to keep my eyes off you.

Cove paused, forming his next sentence carefully.

Cove: Your movement was fluid and mesmerizing, like a real mermaid.

You chuckled abruptly.

Y/N: A real mermaid? You mean like you?

Cove rolled his eyes and crossed his arms conclusively, not willing to speak anymore. You weren’t letting him off the hook this easily.

Y/N: I’d like to hear more of your thoughts. What was your favorite part?

Cove: Oh, hm.

He tapped his finger on his chin, pretending to think hard about the question. His words were a soft mumble.

Cove: The bubble kiss…

Y/N: Speak louder, Cove.

Cove huffed and hugged his arms around his body tighter.

Cove: I know you heard me, Y/N.

He groaned and hung his head. You stepped closer to him, the tips of your feet touching his. You whispered.

Y/N: Did you like seeing me as a mermaid?

Cove’s radiant eyes snapped upward. You stared into them intensely. Cove powered through your scrutiny.

Cove: Of course I did!

You burst out laughing.

Y/N: I tease you too much, don't I?

Cove: Uh-huh…

You squinted at him and stuck out your tongue.

Y/N: Or maybe not enough.

Cove: Is the interrogation finished?

You feigned indignation with an exaggerated scoff.

Y/N: Well if that’s how you see it!

You grinned mischievously and bopped his nose with your finger before stepping backward.

Y/N: If you’re lucky you might get another mermaid kiss someday.

Cove bit his lip, unable to hide that he wasn't unphased by your words.

Cove: I am proud of you. I know how hard you’ve been working.

Your expression softened.

Y/N: I appreciate that, Cove.

A wave of bashfulness consumed you for a moment. Cove’s sincerity wasn’t unusual, but it felt different this time.

Y/N: I’m glad you came to watch. Even though you were kind of a distraction.

Cove looked appalled.

Cove: What?

Y/N: To be honest, it was also hard for me to look away from you.

Cove: I wasn’t doing anything, Y/N.

Y/N: You don’t have to do anything to be a distraction.

Cove was silently pensive. You decided to be explicit for the sake of his brain.

Y/N: I like you, Cove.

His mouth fell open. You refused to believe that this was a shock to him

Y/N: But you already knew that.

Cove: You— agh. Can I take you somewhere for dinner?

The subject change caught you off guard, but you didn’t want to push Cove.

Y/N: Yes.

You hooked your arm into his.

Y/N: Lead the way, landlubber!

Cove chuckled and walked with you out of the aquarium. You felt proud of your performance, and thrilled about Cove's reaction. It was fitting that the way to his heart was through a mythical sea creature. You hoped Cove would be willing to continue the conversation about your feelings during dinner.

[wanderinginksplot]

One-Shot: Sev + Motto

Sev x gn!reader fic, features the rest of Delta Squad as supporting characters.

Word Count: 1400 or so

Warnings: reader receives minor injuries (burns) on a mission

---

"Play di’kutla games, win di’kutla prizes."

If you had heard Sev say it once, you had heard him say it a thousand times.

Working with Delta Squad was normally fine. Honestly, it was outright entertaining on a regular basis. As an expert in untraceable comms, you were often partnered with commando squads. Infiltrating enemy planets was a norm in your job, and you made sure the squads could communicate with each other and nearby GAR ships regardless of which side controlled the planetside communications systems.

Delta was one of your favorite groups. Fixer was direct and to-the-point, efficient beyond all else. Scorch was side-splittingly funny, even in the middle of an intense battle. Sev was funny as well, though his humor was darker and full of wickedly clever observations. Boss was a natural leader, and he never felt the need to throw his authority around to make a point. More importantly, Delta Squad accepted you as one of their own, and your work with them was seamless in a way it wasn’t among other commando squads.

Of course, that also meant that you were subject to the same treatment as any other member of Delta Squad.

“Watch your fingers!” Fixer warned. “Heat gloves are standard issue for a reason.”

“Does it look like I have time to put on gloves?” you demanded. “Focus on covering me, and I’ll get this done.”

Two minutes, forty-seven seconds later, you had finished setting up the tower and taken a major step toward establishing communications on the Separatist-controlled planet. You would never admit it to Fixer, but you had thoroughly burnt several of your fingers on the superheated durasteel of the communication diverter’s inner core.

Crawling back through the brush to avoid enemy detection was awful. It may not have been so bad, but the burns were scattered across both of your hands and they were already beginning to blister.

You made it back in good time, despite the injuries you were trying to hide. Boss and Scorch had been the other team, going to plant detonators in the appropriate spots. Despite the comparative complexity of your task, you and Fixer were the first ones back. Sev was there to greet you, scowling at the pair of you.

“Took you long enough,” he grumbled.

“Excuse me, are we not the first team to finish?” you asked, satisfaction clear in your voice.

“Yeah, but if you had been faster, we would have an update on Boss and Scorch by now,” Sev countered. “You know how Scorch gets around too many thermal dets. He may have blown himself up by now and we missed it.”

“Considering how many detonators he had, I’m sure we would have seen the explosion from here,” Fixer told him.

You laughed at the solid point - half because Fixer was funny when he wanted to be and half to release the anxiety and adrenaline of a successfully completed stealth mission.

Fixer leveled an unimpressed look at you. “Besides, some of us could spend this time treating the injuries we’re trying to hide.”

“You got hurt?” Sev asked, frowning at you. From any other squad, it might have sounded like concern, but you immediately spotted it for what it was: a vague irritated belief that you would slow them down.

"Barely," you snorted. "Minor burns, nothing to worry about."

"Until the blisters pop and leave you open to infection," Fixed countered, already taking over the observation post Sev had been manning. "Oh-Seven, take care of it, please? I'm not up to playing medic right now."

"Oh, so I have to?" Sev griped.

You stood up, throwing a look of disgust at the pair. "I think I'll patch myself up, thanks."

You had barely cracked open Delta Squad's first aid kit when heavy footsteps warned that someone had followed you. You ignored Sev's red-streaked armor as he stepped up behind you, focusing instead on spreading bacta gel across the tender burns on your hands.

"Here, just- Would you let me do that?" Sev asked impatiently, taking the gel from your hands.

"I could do it myself," you told him, a little pointlessly, since he had already taken over.

"I know you could, but it'll be faster if you let me."

Sev had removed his helmet, and he had the stubborn set to his jaw that warned that he wasn't going to let this go. Rather than waste both of your time, you rolled your eyes and stuck out your hands. He knelt in front of you, the kit open beside him, and started to apply the bacta gel.

He worked in silence for a few minutes, callused fingers oddly gentle against your skin, until you couldn't take it anymore. "Go ahead, say it."

"Say what?" Sev asked, looking up at you with a frown on his scarred face.

"What you always say," you explained with a frown of your own. "Come on, it's basically your motto."

"I don't have a motto," Sev told you slowly. "I'm not some idiot with a motto. I'm not Scorch."

"Okay, but you can't think of a single phrase you repeat often?" You pressed. "Especially when someone gets hurt doing something you think is stupid?"

"Not really," Sev denied, clearly puzzling it over.

You watched him, aghast at the idea that you had been making up his insulting phrase. As he turned his attention back to your burns, you caught a glimmer in his eye and you nudged him with your foot.

"That's not funny, Sev!" you tried your best to sound furious, but the way you were laughing detracted from the effect. Sev chuckled along with you. "I thought I was going insane!"

"I wouldn't say it to you," Sev said, finishing the last bandage.

You stared at him. "Yeah, of course not. It isn't like you've said it to me multiple times in past missions."

"Well, those, you actually had done something stupid and you got what you deserved," he told you mercilessly. "But this time, you got hurt trying to complete a mission."

"Yeah, but I wasn't wearing the proper gear," you countered.

Sev didn't look impressed, picking up one of your carefully bandaged hands as he spoke. "I know burns, and heat gloves wouldn't have saved you here. Maybe the burns would have been less intense, but we would also be picking melted synthweave out of your hands."

You squeezed Sev's hand since it was still wrapped around your own. "Thanks for making me feel better, Sev, and for taking care of my hands."

"Well, I have to make sure my favorite comm specialist is willing to work with us again," Sev told you, helping you to your feet.

You had never taken a step away, and from your position standing close to Sev, you stared up with a dumb grin spreading across your face. "I'm your favorite comm specialist?"

"You're my favorite anything specialist," he told you and you beamed at him. To your complete shock, he returned your smile, his handsome face glowing with the quiet happiness of the moment.

You began to speak, though you had no idea what you planned to say. Unfortunately - or fortunately - you were interrupted by the arrival of Sergeant Boss and Scorch. Delta Squad's leader was supporting Scorch, who limped along making exaggerated noises of pain.

"Scorch, what happened? Are you okay?" you asked, horrified that he had been hurt.

"I didn't bring enough fuse," Scorch answered, immediately dropping his pained attitude - though his limp didn't change a bit. "Had to run from the site and I twisted my ankle."

"Well, play di'kutla games, win di'kutla prizes," Sev told him sourly as you shot him a disbelieving grin.

"Yeah, yeah," Scorch muttered. "This team doesn't appreciate my talents."

"Talents," Fixed scoffed.

"Of course!" Scorch replied, sounding offended. "It takes talent to get hurt this often and not die."

"The Kaminoans may have bred us for tenacity, but I don't think that's what they had in mind," Boss told him. "There's something to be said for learning from your mistakes."

"Isn't anyone on my side?" Scorch complained, eyeing you pointedly.

You sighed, but threw him some sympathy anyway. "I'm on your side, Scorch. I'm glad you're okay."

Fixer cut short Scorch's gloating. "That's only because you weren't the only one who was injured doing something stupid today."

Scorch gave you a commiserating nod. "Did Sev give you the speech, too?"

You glanced up at Sev. The scarred commando was watching you as he tried to bite back a smile. You shot him a subtle wink and said, "Yeah, something like that."

---

A/N - dedicated to myself, because I say "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes" way too often for someone who is usually the one playing the stupid game. Feel free to visit my masterlist for other one-shots and series, or make a request!

[azurevi]

on land where we can touch the moon (2/?)

PART 1 PART 3

A quick note- this is pretty messy. I'm planning as I write, so there'll be information scattered across the words, and it may be overwhelming...kinda. I have added a little note about what happened in this chapter in the end. This series is also up on ao3.

There is, naturally, a reason Azul was stuck with the name 'The Sea Merchant'.

It wasn't a bad name, and there was no hint of degradation in it. It just wasn't particularly suiting. Azul wasn't a merchant. He wasn't even a shopkeeper. He was just invested in a little magic, and this hobby of his got leaked out somehow. 

His magic was certainly something. It's A Deal allowed him to confiscate another person's valued quality in exchange for their wish. Anything could come to life as long as the deal was equal.

Only the drunk and people in desperate need of help ever went to him for help. After Azul had started mastering his magic, he reckoned that it hadn't been used to its full potential. If the person on the other side of the deal failed to meet the requirement, Azul could take even more from them without suffering any loss. 

And so he sugarcoated and exaggerated his words, put up the most professional smile he could manage. For a few weeks all was well. He'd gained himself a melodious voice, splendid flexibility and a ton of unique magics, but nothing great ever lasted. He was soon exposed as a scammer and his notoriety was whispered among the streets, passed on and on until every family warned their kids not to ever run into him. And Azul, with his fame and prosperity wilting under the gossip and points of fingers, was forced into giving up his success.

He had been in hiding ever since.

He could never understand how something as atrocious could happen to him. If it hadn't been for the sneers and isolation in the entirety of his childhood, he wouldn't have grown up hating everything and everyone around him that called him ugly, unwanted, repulsive. It should've justified his desire for revenge.

Instead, God decided that his suffering was not anywhere close to enough and kicked him down the cliff where he was crying for help.

That being said, Azul was grateful to have Jade and Leech sticking around after everything. The two of them were also unpopular among others, so they eventually got close as a tight-knitted trio.

"No you didn't," Jade said firmly. 

"I did, Jade. I did," Azul sighed, "They were dying, Jade, I couldn't just let them die,"

"Well, you should've."

"Don't be so uptight. Azul was doing the right thing, wasn't he?" Floyd winked. "So. Were they good-looking?"

"What?"

"The human. You must've saved them for a reason,"

Azul hated how Floyd's words implied that he would never do good unless there was something in it for him, but one could never lie in the face of truth. 

"I just didn't want to let them die. It was their birthday,"

"What does that have to do with everything?" Jade asked. "You went above the water. You saved a human. You were almost caught. You could've died up there, you know. How did you even manage to breathe?"

"I just… did." Azul said, twirling his tentacles in nervousness. Jade was entirely disapproving of his actions, while Floyd on the contrary seemed to be mildly intrigued. 

Everything still felt like a fever dream. All the fireworks and cheering and explosion were still vividly scorched into his mind as if they'd been put on repeat. The splendid colors, light giggles and- 

And those beautiful eyes of yours. The way your hair flowed in the night sky with ease, how you laughed like tomorrow was promised and your life had been planned out before you, a clear and untainted path to success. Azul couldn't decide on whether he was jealous or amazed.

"Well, you better hope they didn't really see you, or that they forgot about it. If the humans come down here to hunt us down-" Jade couldn't even bear to finish the imagination. He simply shook his head in dismay.

"I swear I saw someone! I couldn't have just been washed ashore!"

"Apparently, you were," Jack said, stroding with large steps that had you panting to keep up. "Near-death experiences do things to our mind, your majesty,"

"That may be the case for others, but I'm sure I was conscious," you retorted. "I woke up to a pair of pale, azure eyes, then in a blink they were behind the rock. If it hadn't been for you-"

"I apologize for worrying about you, your majesty."

You bit your tongue. Fighting with Jack always ended with him being passive-aggressive and you stepping back reluctantly. Plus he was as stern as a rock. Almost nothing could move his belief.

Shouting and grunting could be heard from inside the medical room where Ace, Deuce and Grim were being tended to.

Jack flung open the door, and the three stumbled to get into the blankets and put on a excruciated expression.

"I see you're all healed up," Jack said. Ace hummed lowly and slapped his forehead with the back of his hand. 

"I'm at death's door, commander. It pains me to say this, but I might need to take more days off,"

Jack was quiet for a while, and you could almost see a drop of sweat sliding down Ace's forehead.

"And you, Deuce?" Jack challenged.

"I'm traumatized," 

"And Grim?"

You arched your brow, at which he shivered in fear. "I- I'm feeling fine already,"

"So it's just Ace and Deuce, right?" Jack said. Ace and Deuce nodded their heads so hard they could fall off.

"Alright. Your health is of utmost importance to us, so I'll contact the Raven Healer…"

"The what?!" Deuce's voice croaked.

"The Raven Healer. Surely you've heard of him. He's best known for being able to treat any diseases, both mentally and physically,"

You were sure there were sweats rolling down Ace's cheeks now. "But- but doesn't he heal by using bizzare mediciness…?"

"Oh yes. His magic is what makes him such an infallible doctor. You two seem to be in a lot of pain. I'm sure he'll free you of your suffering."

You turned sharply towards the door and stifled a laughter. 

"That's… not very necessary…" Deuce's voice faltered word by word. He was fully aware that he'd already lost. "You know what, commander? I think I can dive back into work right this instant!"

Jack smirked smugly. "Splendid. And you, Ace?"

The two of them stared at each other so intensely there seemed to be sparkles between them. Finally, Ace gave in. "I'll start work tomorrow,"

They didn't even wait for Jack to walk completely out of the door to whine. They looked fully healthy, even more energized than you.

"Anyways, did you find your saviour?"

You sighed. Ace and Deuce were still skeptical about your 'story', which you'd corrected to 'experience', but at least they were open-minded. 

"No clues. I've had guards patrolling about every two hours. Nothing has yet to happen,"

They eyed each other uneasily, then back at you with a worried face. Before they could make assumptions, you defended yourself. "No, I'm not sick. My head's not concussed,"

"Well," Grim scurried to your lap. "Perhaps your saviour doesn't wish to be found?"

That'd be unwanted. You would wish for anything but to create troubles for your lifesaver. Nonetheless, you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep without sending your gratitude. 

Alright, there might be a selfish motif. You were admittedly curious about those light, pensive eyes and silvery, gleaming hair under sunlight. All these unknown were like a gravity pool, pulling you deeper and deeper into the mystery.

"Well, you ought not to lose hope," Ace patted your shoulder casually, like you weren't the princette of the kingdom he was serving for. "Maybe you'll actually run into him. Fate has a weird habit for setting unexpected traps."

It wasn't so much love as a tender curiosity, but the line segregating them was so flimsy that one's got to mix them up at some point.

Azul found himself in such a dilemma. He couldn't decide whether it was attraction or nosiness that he was feeling. Either way, it's got him hooked like a drug. Something beautiful had finally entered his life like light piercing through a thick fog of ink, and it was possessive. Azul had a feeling that it wouldn't go away until it had drained him of his mind.

The door to his room was thrown open and Azul had to hide the peeled petals and green stem in a jumble. He had been chanting 'they love me, they love me not' for the past hour. To his luck, Jade and Leech didn't seem to have noticed his haste expression. They were both panting when they swam inside.

"What's wrong?" Azul's first instinct was that something had gone south.

"There-" Floyd wheezed. "There's a sta-"

"There's a fallen statue in the Coral Maze," Jade finished the sentence. "People are fussing over it,"

"Okay," Azul eased back into his bed. He'd already lost interest at 'Coral Maze'. It was at the centre of where the majority of sea creatures inhabited. Nothing could make him go anywhere near civilization and its hubristic aesthetic again.

Or so he thought.

"No- you don't get it. It's a statue of a human that sank along with wreckages of a big ship, and it's made of gold,"

A statue made of gold.

He recalled it now. It was supposed to be your birthday present. The consternation of what followed the present revelation had been so intense that it'd washed the memory of the statue out.

"We just thought that it could be the statue you mentioned in your story, you know? It looked really grand…" Floyd sighed.

Azul wanted to get up and swim over right there, right then, but he knew he couldn't. What would others say to him the moment they saw the shadows of their tentacles crawling on their pure and oh-so royal ground? What accusations would they throw his way? How many children will be led away from him like he was some man-eating, brutal abomination?

Not to mention the unforgiving rage he'd evoked in trying to scam them in the past. Dishonesty was highly criticised in their high-class society. It was as if they were saints that had never done one thing wrong. Bet they'd never even stayed up past midnight.

"You ought to come take a look!" Floyd suggested. A casual, friendly proposal.

"No," Azul snapped. "No, no. I'm not going there,"

"They're planning to use the gold," Jade said. "You know how they are. They see one thing from the ground and start screeching in pain,"

They were going to use your statue. The statue that was perhaps the only thing that was related to you, the one way to never have to forget about you again in case that you never met again.

And to imagine the effect it'd add to his collections! A big gold statue in the centre of his grotto, accentuated by the sparkling of other jewelries. It'd be complete.

"I'll sit on it," Azul decided. He was not to act rashly, lest he walked one step wrong and brought upon himself misery and misfortune. If he really was to pay a visit, he would act in secret. Perhaps in the veil of the night. 

"Just don't act alone, okay?" Jade said. Azul nodded despite not paying any mind to him.

In the dead of the night Azul decided to sneak out. Alone. It was a mistake, really. Azul couldn't stop thinking about your statue, and by the time he realized how absurd it was, he'd already gone to the Coral Maze.

There was nary a shadow except his own. Still, it was much lighter than where he lived even at night. The distorted image of the moon waved from above as Azul made his way through the many identical corals. Then he finally found your majestic statue standing solemnly in the centre. The only beauty in the water.

It was a sight for sore eyes. White, pure light reflected off the gold and created streams of gleams onto the ground. That someone would ever find it to be disgraceful was incomprehensible to Azul. Something like this deserved to be put on display in the museum for all to see.

There was no radiance on your face and no splendid colors in your eyes. It was merely a fraction of what you were. Nonetheless, it was enough for Azul.

"Who's roaming there?" an alerted voice asked. When Azul turned, he saw a silhouette looming from outside the Coral Maze, holding two anglerfishes in hands and waving them in the water.

Panic was the only thing Azul felt as he hid behind the statue, struggling to keep his tentacles out of sight. The light stayed right in front of him for a while before skimming away.

Azul grabbed the statue and swam, pushing his tentacles through the water as hard as he could. 

"Wait there- oh goodness!" 

There were several voices now, mumbling and inquiring. Then light was casted upon his flitting figure and there were bemused gasps before someone yelled, "Seize him!"

Azul was out of breath. He wished he excelled in fitness but instead he was stuck with incongruous tentacles that would never cooperate at the most needed times.

A hand grasped the end of his tentacle but slipped off. He kept the statue tight in his arms, as if his life depended on it. He could tell that they were near now, and was trying very hard not to imagine the gruesome outcomes.

Someone grabbed his tentacles. He faltered and was pulled back despite protests.

"Keep him in place!" another person yelled as the crowd moved to keep Azul fenced in.

Azul couldn't see anything. Everything was a poor mixture of shadow and distaste and sneers. He was probably going to die right there.

"I can't believe you have the guts to come back, Ashengrotto. After all the things you've done!" someone spoke up.

"Yeah! How shameless of you!”

"And he's stealing our properties now! Imagine how desperate he is,"

"You guys don't even want it!" Azul said.

Some guy lurched forward. Azul cowered backwards.

"It's disgusting, yes, but it's still gold." he said as if it was a completely just thing to do. "It landed on our ground, so it belongs to us. On the contrary, you don't have the rights to lay your filthy hands on it. What more do you want to steal from us?"

"I'm taking this because none of you understand the beauty of it!"

This evoked a negative reaction from the crowd, but words could never be taken back. Azul could feel his heart pounding like a prisoner hellbent on escaping. He had to escape. No more of this degrading gazes. No more of the points of fingers.

"Beauty?" the guy scoffed, and for a moment his face scrunched up and he was ready to spit out rage, but then it softened into a smug smirk. "I guess only ugly understands ugly, huh?"

Azul's head throbbed.

"It doesn't justify your actions, ink-blasting thief. Hand that piece of trash over right- uff!"

He was flung deep into the water until he disappeared into nothing but a black dot. People around Azul immediately made way as they fled in screams and wails. His tentacle was still tingling with the impact, but he couldn't quite feel it. Even if he did, he couldn't care less as he skyrocketed to the surface of the water. He blinked and blinked, but his eyes were still blurred by what would be mixed into the seawater eventually. 

He'd had enough. Heard enough, seen enough. If he'd spent one more second down there he would have suffocated to death.

The familiar freshness of air welcomed him the moment he broke through the water's persistence. The land wasn't far ahead. He swam towards it as if it was his sanctuary. 

There was a man sitting on the rock, face hidden under the hood. Azul considered retreating. He had no idea what would happen to him if he was spotted, but nothing better would happen if he were to go back. So he continued swimming and crawled onto the cool soft sand, only letting his head be seen by the man as he hid behind yet another rock where he placed the much valued statue.

He seemed to be asleep, chest heaving up and down at a steady pace. Just as Azul started sliding out, the man raised his head and looked straight at Azul.

They were a pair of humming, white circles, seemingly void of any sentiments. The man had a mask on that shielded his face except for his tightly shut lips. Two crows were staring right at him with the same uncanny manner.

"You've finally arrived," the man said.

Probably the humans had been searching for him. Azul decided to keep his mouth shut.

"I've been hearing your calls…" he tilted his head. "You can come out. I know what you are,"

Azul still hesitated. But he was much closer to the ocean than to the guy, so he slowly let his tentacles into light.

The man remained calm, not a bit taken back by the revelation.

"Well, I've been hearing your calls…" he resumed.

"I never called out to any humans,"

"Not literally. But you have been calling out a lot," he smiled amiably. "You have to know that it's especially hard for me to hear from creatures undersea, so if your wishes managed to reach me, it means you're pretty desperate,"

"I think you have the wrong person," Azul said and started retreating.

The guy sprang up and his crows curled up together beside him. "Wait- I should introduce myself first. I'm the Raven Healer,"

Azul pondered for a while. "That doesn't explain anything except for the crows,"

"You lots haven't heard of me?" he frowned so deep that his brows and eyes were a cluster. "You guys are really secluded,"

That was when Azul finally realized that he knew about them. About all the lives and creatures that inhabited the deep sea.

"And I mean no harm to your realm. My only target is you," he smiled again, this time at an ominous angle.

"Well, I'm quite famous in this realm. I heal people for a living, whether it be physical or emotional needs. Anything you need, I can grant you,"

That's not very different from Azul's magic. 

"Sometimes, when someone is really desperate for a change, their thoughts can be heard by my crows. And you, Azul Ashengrotto…" his smile dropped a bit and his eyes drooped. "is particularly distressed,"

"Alright. It was nice meeting you," Azul nodded respectfully. The man didn't seem to be harmful. If he fled right now, he could probably throw him off.

The Raven Healer stilled, then burst into piles of blatant laughter. "No, no. I've been looking for you, don't you get it? I'm here to grant your wish!"

I'm here to grant your wish. Like how Azul'd promoted his business as the Sea Merchant.

"I understand that you've been suffering quite a lot, and that you want a change. But nothing ever comes without a cost… I'm sure you can understand,"

The healer stood up, the material of his greatcoat fluttering in the wind. He made his way freely to Azul, who could only freeze up as he inspected the statue with great interest.

"The heir to the throne! I see why you're desperate now. They're a real catch," the healer then looked down at the outstretched tentacles without a word. Azul prayed in his mind that he would turn away from them.

"Well, here are my terms. I will grant you a pair of legs in exchange for your magic,"

Wait, what?

Azul was pretty sure the Raven Healer was just imitating him now. A great figure appearing out of the blue to answer your hopes. The catch was that the figure would always take away your most important thing. It was never a fair deal, Azul was aware.

"I don't think you need my magic," Azul breathed.

"Why, I do!" he exclaimed. "Collecting magic is a splendid hobby of mine! It is because of all these magic that I am such a renowned magician,"

He was obviously lying. His smile couldn't reach his eyes, and the orbs where his eyes were supposed to be were humming like a hazard label.

"I think I'll be just fine," Azul hurriedly brought the statue to his chest and started sliding away.

"...How are you going to survive?"

"What?" Azul swiveled, exhausted.

"Up here. With your…" the healer wiggled his fingers.

"I'll find a way,"

"No you won't," the healer protested. Azul looked up to the sky, took a deep breath and decided to entertain him. 

"Why so?"

"You're gonna cause ruckus. Chaos. People are not especially used to seeing half-man half-octopuses roaming their land," he said honestly. 

Despite knowing all this, Azul still considered his word rude. There was a thin line between blunt and disrespectful, and he'd just crossed it. 

"There won't be anyone dealing with you, will there?"

"...I suppose not-"

"Exactly! I am your only hope!" he exclaimed once again, throwing his hands up in the air like a dramatist. "Unless you want to go back?"

Azul glanced at the serene water. He knew that down there, the mermaids and mermen must be panicking over what'd just happened.

"You can't hold onto that statue forever. If you really wish to stay here-"

"I just came, Mr. Healer. I'm not going to stay,"

"Yet. Come on now," he groaned, as if he was the one exasperated. "I know you want it. You need it. So what are you waiting for? You're never going to see all the beauties in this world in this state!"

He was right. Agonizingly right. He couldn't just walk around as an octopus. It would be like a stain on a quaint painting. Moreover, now that he was here, he couldn't just give up the chance to find you again. It's not like the ocean would welcome him anyways.

As if hearing his thoughts, the Raven Healer reached his hand out, "Deal? Your magic for a pair of legs. It's a fantastic trade if you think about it,"

One second. Two second. Azul didn't wait until the third to act on it. The moment their skin touched, Azul felt a stream of warmth coursing through him, rushing to his throat, where he choked up a luminous blue orb. It was within the healer's fingers within seconds.

"And your legs," he rummaged inside his pocket. There seemed to be numerous tiny objects inside as he dug around. Finally, he pulled up a thumb-size bottle and handed it to Azul.

He downed the slimy liquid inside under the healer's encouraging nods, and almost gagged at the sensation. "Guh! What the hell is-"

His tentacles started glowing a bright yellow, bright enough to attract people in this dead of the night. They started to shrink until they completely disappeared, and a pair of human legs replaced them.

He couldn't believe his eyes as he stretched around and surveyed the changes on his body. It took him quite some time to adjust to it, but he was surprisingly good at it. The fabric of the pants that came with the gift fluttered against his 'flesh' like a mother's caress. He felt normal, for once. Not some ugly monster that preyed on innocent kids. Not a marginalized criminal. Not even a wicked fraud. He was just a human wanting to explore the world.

"Three days," the Raven Healer said.

"What?" Azul was too joyous to pay real mind.

"If you can't find the most beautiful thing after three days, you will dissolve into sea bubbles,"

Azul stilled as he comprehended his words, then he started to chant no in his mind. He'd fallen for his trap.

"You didn't mention it at all!" Azul yelled. "Refund! You're scamming me!"

"The pot's calling the kettle black now. How comical," the healer giggled. Azul's heart dropped to the bottom.

"Consider this your own medicine. It's not like you're completely at loss over here!"

"Wait!" Azul reached out to grasp his fainting figure, which had become an opaque vision. 

"We shall reunite in three days. Until then, enjoy."

All that was left was the crashing of the waves and songs of the crickets. Bathed in the glow of the moon, Azul finally came to the conclusion that he'd fucked up.

Life never stopped to give him a break. There were haste footsteps nearing from behind. Azul instinctively retracted his tentacles, but forgot about their absence and tripped instead.

"Yikes! That was a nasty fall. Are you okay?" 

Looking up, two formally looking men were standing above him, one with crimson hair and another navy. There was a sword attached to each of their sides.

"Yeah. I-I'm fine," Azul cleared his throat and stood up.

"Are you homeless?" The redhead asked and was immediately hit by his companion.

"You can't go around asking people whether they are homeless!" he scolded, then turned to Azul brightly. "You must be in search of shelter! Please follow us!"

"That isn't any better," 

"Shut up," the blue-haired snapped with the same polite smile. "Come on, Mr…?"

"A-Azul. Azul Ashengrotto,"

"Yes, Mr. Ashengrotto. We can't have you catching a cold out here,"

Despite his friendly facade, Azul could see underlying motives lurking beneath. But clueless that he was, he didn't have a choice but to follow suit towards the castle-like building in the far distance.

"Your majesty will be pleased to see you," the redhead murmured, but Azul couldn't quite catch that.

"What was that?" he asked.

"It's nothing," was all that he received. "Just that you'll surely love the place."

Conclusion : Azul had once gone around scamming others with his unique magic but was busted and had been further criticised since. The Raven Healer is obviously Crowley, and his magic will be further explained in next chapter.

[1zashreena1]

Trading Trauma -13

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary:  They share the rough stuff while trying to figure out how to be gentle with each other. And an antagonist?

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Detailed discussion of abuse in all forms- Physical-Mental-Emotional-Verbal*** SERIOSULY HEED THIS WARNING Anxiety attacks, vague hinting at mental-behavioral health disorders, plus size woman+fit man, This one is all feels and 

I Am So Sorry.

A/N:  Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic ​ @symbiont13 ​ @nicke0115 ​​ @bunnykjm ​ @rosee-sensuelle ​ @girlpornparadise ​ @mandoplease ​ @heresathreebee ​ @xxsteph-enrixx ​ @jetiikad ​ @joalsglasses ​ @mutantcookiesecrets ​ @demoncatstone ​ @squidlywiddly87 ​ @lockedoutofmyotherblog ​ @poeedamerons ​

I believe gif came from @girlpornparadise​ 

Its a Friday like any other and Bastian picks you up like always. Only, something is wrong. You can tell because Bastian is silent; absolutely, completely, dead silent.

"So," You try from the passenger seat, "What the fuck is going on that you don't want to tell me?" Its raining and everything in New York is shaded in tones of gray. The gray buildings pass by, people in gray coats with gray umbrellas trudge along the sidewalk, even this SUV is gray. It still has new car smell. What happened that he bought a new SUV?

A muscle tics in Bastian's jaw as he tenses under your attention. Pale green eyes dart to you, then back to the road. Finally, Bastian speaks, "Alicia was here today." 

Your jaw drops. "What? Why? Is he okay?" Your immediate concern is Diego, both his physical safety and his mental well-being. Bastian's silence is an obvious negative. After staring at him for an indeterminate amount of time and receiving no further details you go back to the windshield. "We can order food later, just take me to him."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diego is stationed on the sectional when you arrive, working on his laptop. Bastian places your bag just inside the penthouse then retreats back into the elevator. That's never a good sign.

Diego looks up and smiles, its blindingly gorgeous and your heart stutters. The laptop gets dumped to the side in favor of grabby hands going for your curves. You climb into his lap, knees outside his hips, loop your arms around his neck, and fold him down into your softness. With a huge sigh, Diego melts into you.

"Princess. Missed you." His rumble is soft and quiet against your neck. He wraps you up tighter and squeezes your squishy middle. "Stay. Please." What started as an order ended as a plea in under two words. 

You stroke over his hair, kissing his forehead and nodding gently. "I'm here, baby. Are you okay?" The likelihood of getting a straight answer is slim but you have to ask. You need him to know that you care, that you want to take care of him. 

He nods into your neck and settles further. Apparently this is where I sit now. His breathing is normal, he doesn't flinch or jump wherever you pet him, and his clothing is in place. As far as you can tell, he is physically well. The only thing out of place here is his hidden face.

He is surprisingly cuddly in private, your Murder Panther rather enjoys petting, but he has never hidden from you. Its concerning, especially in conjunction with Bastian's hushed announcement in the car. 

"What do you need me to do?" You keep your voice even and quiet because you're not sure how upset he really is. Broad shoulders shrug under you, he seems almost defeated. You try a different tact and ask, "Okay, when did you last eat?" 

"Dish mornin." Diego mumbles into your skin like a kid. In truth, he is like a large child a lot of the time. He gets easily distracted by activity and is frequently lost in whatever task happens to be most interesting to him at that exact moment. He fidgets minutely under you, a tiny bit of his normal reaction to your presence is evident. 

You turn to smirk into his cheek, "I meant food, but if that's what you need, well, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." His deep chuckle shakes your entire body. "Where's my phone? Lemme order dinner before you go after dessert."

Diego pulls your phone out of the back pocket of your jeggings and passes it to you, then replaces it with a huge hand. You laugh but proceed to order from that steakhouse you like in Brooklyn.

----------------------

By the time dinner has been completed Diego is relaxed and loose-limbed, sprawled on his back across your lap in the corner of the sectional. He is still quiet, but if you keep both hands on your tablet a little too long he makes his displeasure known with a growly whine. You’ve been absent-mindedly petting him for some time when you decide to try again.

"So, can I do anything to help you? Listen? Massage? Cuddle? Err, cuddle more intensely?" You don't look at him in an attempt to not make him uncomfortable. 

Diego heaves a sigh and holds your hand flat to his chest. You can feel his heart, its picking up speed and you feel a little guilty. He licks his lips and finally speaks, "Alicia was waiting for me when we came back from a meeting this morning. She has been questioning my books. I suppose she doubts my math." Diego waves a dismissive hand in the air.

You have seen this man complete statistical mathematical analysis in his head, everyone knows his math isn't a problem. 

"Um. First of all, no. Secondly, n-o-o-o." You draw the word out in your sarcasm and Diego snorts with amusement. "Why do you think she was really here?" You ask soberly.

"It is the math. I need to redistribute my surplus. What is that saying? Use it or lose it?" Diego looks up at you from under raised brows, waiting for you to confirm or correct his language. 

That is fucking adorable. Your chest tightens with his easy familiarity with you and his trust that you have his back in all things, even something as small as a possible mistranslation. You nod in confirmation, but also need some clarification. "So, help me understand here, you have a surplus of what? Profit?" 

Diego nods succinctly. "Technically, it is a deficit of expenses. However, the expenses are paid out of the profits, so I simply hadn't moved the profit surplus into the expense account, which would have highlighted the cost deficit. I attempted to not draw any undue attention to it, but that failed. I must find somewhere to funnel the excess money that would not arouse suspicion."

It takes you a minute to process that whole thing. Diego watches you mentally work through it with amused patience. You now have more questions than answers. "Okay, wait. Rewind further back. Why do you have extra money? Are you not spending as much?"  What is happening? 

"It is two folds," Diego holds up a hand with one finger raised, you don't bother correcting him this time, "I am not consuming my own product, therefore selling more and netting more profits." He raises a second finger and continues, "I am spending substantially less on incidental costs. Not so many bottles or strippers or whatever. So saving more." 

He stares at his own raised fingers in bemusement before muttering thoughtfully, "Julio always led me to believe that women are expensive to keep but you have been saving me money. Hmm." He glances up at you with a small smile, tentative and cautious, so very not Diego-like. 

Your shrug is exaggerated, but your flush is not. "Glad I could help? I mean, its my fault this extra money is sitting around, so its my fault she noticed and then came here. I'm sorry, baby." Sometimes when you open your mouth everyone goes on a surprise trip, including you. It wasn't meant to turn self-deprecating, but here you are. You really do feel guilty. My presence has altered his lifestyle and its a problem.

The worry must be obvious on your features because Diego catches it immediately. He rushes to soothe you, "No, Princess. I chose to do these things, or rather to not. You have done nothing wrong. I would rather have you and this problem than to not have you and not this." His right hand comes up to cradle your cheek and direct your gaze down to him. Those beautiful brown eyes are molten, fierce with some emotion you don't want to analyze. It still fucks you up.

You swallow hard and lick your lips, "So what do we do?" Diego follows the path of your tongue with his thumb while his lips curl up in pleasure at your choice of wording. The way he looks at you sometimes, like he might try to move heaven and earth for you, it hurts. You can't decide if you like it or not.

"We must spend the money." He winks at you. "I will invest some and hide it in offshore accounts. If anything happens it will come to you." His air of finality is chilling.

Looking him over, you can feel tears welling up. "I don't want the money. I mean, don't get me wrong, I enjoy being spoiled, because duh. But if I have to make some ultimate choice between money or Murder Panther?" Your hands fling around with impassioned gesticulation. 

Diego chuckles, "What does," he imitates your sharp movements, "mean, Princess?" His eyes sparkle with the city lights twinkling in through the windows, but so far he is succeeding in suppressing his smile.

"It means, you know!" You flail your hands around faster, as if that will make your point. 

Diego does it back faster, so you interject with even faster movements, and Diego rebuts the same way until you grab his hands to stop him. The both of you dissolve into almost hysterical giggles.

He uses your joined hands to pull your forehead down to his. You can see a dizzying array of emotions swirling in his eyes, its breathtaking. His breathing hitches, brows draw down, and then his eyes close. 

"Baby." You sigh, cupping his cheeks gently, "What?" The question is soft, tentative. He doesn't release the hold on your wrists, but allows you enough space to pet him minutely. 

"When I have you here it blocks out everything else." Long fingers spasm on your forearms as Diego pauses to drag in a ragged breath, he continues, "I want to keep you here."

I don't know what to say. You're dumbfounded. "What? What does that mean?"  Your voice has shrunk down to a quavering whisper.

Diego opens his eyes to look up at you and they are deep enough for drowning. "You are coddling me and I like it. I want you here every day. Give me this whenever I want it." He whispers roughly. Diego studies your form as though committing your features to memory. "You should," that raspy voice hesitates and Diego grips your arms tighter, "You should quit your job and move in with me."  He stares up at you in complete sincerity. 

You're trying to keep it together. Diego is the one who had a bad day here. You're supposed to be helping him, not having your very own freak out. Think rationally about this. He isn’t here all the time, sometimes he's in LA. I'm not hot enough to be a trophy wife. What would I do all day? Just help him? Wouldn't that just be a different job? Oh my god, if I say yes to this… what if he asks me to go to LA? What if--

"PRINCESS!" Diego's bark cuts through your mental tornado and you blink back to awareness. He is still in your lap, cupping your jaw in one giant hand, while he watches you silently freak the fuck out. 

"I'm sorry," you gasp, "I didn't mean to just. Just. Zone out." Your breathing is shallow and you can feel your heart racing. 

Diego just watches you, unreadable. You glance down at him then look away. One of the coffee mugs is missing from the tree. Must be in the dishwasher.

"Hey." That rumble is soft and you cannot ignore it. Your eyes shoot down to his again, then away, and you shake your head 'no' minutely. Diego shifts to sit up (Via only abdominal muscles, your entire pelvis helpfully informs you) but keeps a hand on you. He sits back into the corner of the sectional and beckons to you. When you move toward him Diego spins you so your back is to his chest while you sit in his lap.

He wants to maintain contact but not overwhelm me by being in my face. I wonder if he’s been researching again.

Its enough to crack your heart open a little.

His long legs bracket your hips and you smile fondly, it reminds you of all the times spent in the jacuzzi tub. Diego rests his prickly chin on your left shoulder, wraps huge hands around your middle, and just sits there. Your hands pet over his thighs, his knees, then inward to cover the grip on your rounded stomach. 

"Logically," you clear your throat, "I know you don't mean it this way. But. I, well, I basically gave up my entire self once before and, as you know, it did not go well." Your voice is clear but soft as you continue, "You're not him. You are so very not him. But I still have… scars." Your hands are shaking noticeably so you stuff them under his. Diego laces his fingers with yours and steadies you.

"You never told me what he did to you. I want to know everything about you, Princess. Let us make a deal, huh?" Diego is always just a little bit greedy and you can only respect that as a fellow hedonist.

Tilting your head to the left, you lean your cheek against his nose, then answer warily, "I'm listening…"  You can feel Diego's smirk.

"I will tell you what happened when I was little and you will tell me what happened during that 'relationship'. An even exchange." He stares at you from a few centimeters away and you return the calculating look from the corner of your eye.

Your lips purse while you consider, then offer a caveat, "Only if I can write it out and not speak it." You turn to face him fully. He looks so… soft.

Diego licks his lips, "Deal. Now kiss." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You write out everything you can remember from your ex.

How no one was allowed to know you existed, you could have no title, that it wasn't a 'relationship' despite living together for eight years. 

You worked full time, you cooked, you cleaned, you kept a household budget even when it meant emptying your savings account to pay for his bankruptcy filing. 

The way you paid all the bills but your name was only listed on the lease, the three cases of beer you had to buy every week no matter how tight money was for groceries, you weren't permitted to hang anything on the walls so your ex could cover them with posters of girls half your size. 

You kept your hair dyed strawberry blonde because that was what he liked, because then he would touch you without sneering. The other girls you poached for him to sleep with instead of you. How you were supposed to be grateful that a man would even deem to fuck you at your size.

The wake up call when you argued back the first time after all those years. How he had backed you up to the top of the steep stairs in your second floor apartment and then loomed over you. The way you teetered on the precipice before diving under one of his arms and escaping to the bathroom, the only door with a lock.

How one day while he was at work you stuffed everything that would fit into your car and just left. The way you had to start over from scratch with no credit history or savings. The court proceedings for the restraining order, that you had to recount everything in front of your family, a judge, and the ex himself.

. . . . .

You don't realize how badly your hands are shaking until Diego takes the tablet from them. He sets it down on the neighboring cushion and locks the screen dark before turning back to you. Those huge arms wrap around your middle, on top of your own arms hugging yourself, and pull your back flush to his chest. You ponder his largeness; his thighs are as long as your arms, the stupefyingly huge hands and feet are an endless source of fascination, the biceps are your favorite pillow. You grin dumbly. 

"What?" Even at a whisper his voice vibrates deep in your chest. Its not especially deep, but its so rough, it almost reminds you of a cat tongue. Diego watches your face from an inch away.

Left shoulder raising in a lazy shrug, you sigh, "I love sleeping next to you. And I don't like sharing a bed with anyone." You blush a bit with the confession, but its true. "I feel safe with you even though realistically I know it should feel the opposite. You won't hurt me and you won't let anyone else either." Its a direct contrast to what you were just writing about and you say it with absolute conviction. 

"Of course not! But, but if I do, accidentally obviously, you will tell me?" Diego sounds simultaneously aghast and condescending but not at all offended by your acknowledgement of his potential danger. Amazing.

You turn to face him and lean your forehead against his. Diego sighs softly and squeezes you tighter. "I mean, I might write it, but yeah." 

He makes that adorable scrunchy-thinky face that you love before announcing, "I'll allow it."

Your eyes roll fondly as you sigh, "Oh good. So glad that meets your approval."  His sly smile is mesmerizing. 

"So. Are you gonna read that or…?" You glance down to the tablet then back up at him. "No, wait," you interject before his open mouth can start making noise, "Tell me yours first. Please." You turn solemn as you consider how bad this might be. Watching his face gives you a hint; his forehead smooths and his eyes shutter while soft lips turn down at the corners. Its his poker face, he is hiding from you.

Diego clears his throat quietly and looks away before he begins, "Our mother died when I was young, before I started school. My Lita said she committed suicide, apparently she was depressed after I was born. Alicia blamed me." 

You knew he had grown up without a mom, all of his delighted reactions to your own mother knowing and hearing about him had suddenly made a hell of a lot more sense when he told you. And you already knew that he was close with his grandmother, Lita, that she had looked out for him. And now much of Alicia's behavior made sense, too.

"My earliest memory of Alicia is at age twelve for her. By that point she had convinced our father that it was my fault. I was four the first time he hit me with a belt. The buckle, of course." Diego's jaw grinds, you can see his right eye twitch. You want to reach out to him but he probably won't tolerate it right now. He frequently misreads sympathy for pity. I'm starting to understand why.

"When I was eight she said to get in the car, I was allowed to go to the grocery store with her. The nearest was the next town to the east. Halfway there she pulled over and told me to get out, then she left. A neighbor driving home from the store saw me and took me to Lita. I do not know how long I was out there but I was very hungry." Here Diego pauses and swallows, "Lita said I ate a pound of beans." His wry smile is bitter. 

Brown eyes turn to you, his face is closed and guarded at first. You keep your mouth shut and just look at him. Slowly but surely, Diego's big body relaxes behind you, his eyebrows flatten and his lips soften. 

"When I was ten she pushed me through an open window. He beat me with the metal frame from the broken screen. At twelve I burnt one of the kitchen cabinets trying to make food before they got home. It was a rake that time. Thirteen was a microwave, I did not know about the thing with aluminum foil so it sparked and it was ruined. Also, I somehow got a video tape tangled in the VCR, I have no idea how. I begged my friend not to leave, father would not do anything until we were alone. It only made it worse." You can't take it anymore, your right hand comes up to his far shoulder and strokes up to cup his jaw. 

Diego turns toward you, rests his forehead into your neck, then proceeds to give you more. "I was sixteen when father staged the coup and killed his uncle to take over the cartel. He and Alicia sent me on 'errands'. I learned that these were suicide missions when I turned nineteen. Each time I came home fucked up but alive they were furious. Every time the cartel experienced a setback Alicia convinced everyone it was my fault, that I somehow ruined everything I was given." The seismic effect of his voice has shrunk in correlation to his volume. You can clearly tell that this is the time period when Alicia cemented into his mind that he was a total fuckup. 

Rough beard sears your skin as Diego raises his head to rub a cheek on you. You shudder and fist his shirt in your hand. With a deep sigh he goes on, "I was twenty-two when I made my first deal with a cousin. It took three years but we arranged for a rival outfit to give information to the DEA and they took our father away. Alicia decided this was her chance to take over everything but the men did not all take her seriously as a woman. Thus, she finally had a use for me and so here I am still."

You lean into him, rubbing back. Diego is the first and only person with whom you have actively wanted and enjoyed cuddling. He always smells good to you, even when he should probably shower you still like to bury your nose in his hair and breathe deep. Its gotta be pheromones. 

"She doesn’t know that you made that deal, does she?" You question cautiously, wary of upsetting him. He shakes his head 'no' and brushes fleeting kisses up your neck to your cheek. You take it one step farther, "So could you potentially take over everything by yourself?"

Diego pauses to meet your gaze, his head cocks to the side just the tiniest bit. "Do… do you want me to do that?" His voice is hesitant, cautious even. 

"No." You whisper softly. "I just want you safe. As safe as possible. And I know you'll be safer if she is out of your life." Your smaller hands cup his jaw through their own volition, thumbs stroking over the silver patches in his goatee. Plunging straight into the deep end, you offer an alternative, "Or, if that isn't a viable option, maybe you could quote-unquote 'retire'?" You study his beautiful face as his eyes unfocus while he digests your words. His brow furrows and he purses his lips in concentration. 

"That is worth some deliberation, Princess." Diego admits. Then, with a visible shake, he comes back to the topic at hand. "But now, it is your turn. Turn back, huh? I'll read this." Big hands move you around like a ragdoll and you melt a little inside, I wonder if he could just carry me like a baby all day.

You snuggle back into thick torso and sigh with pleasure. Yes, you're still anxious about this but you trust Diego more. Knees drawing up, you hide in your thighs, he only squeezes you tighter. You can hear him picking up the tablet and. And.

Breathe. Just breathe. My jeggings are soft, the couch is slightly fuzzy, his pants are silky, the blanket is plush. I'm here, with Diego, right now. Safe. You practice the grounding techniques that have worked in the past while he reads silently. His stillness is killing you slowly.

Finally, the tablet goes back to the cushion and the second hand comes back to you. Diego grips your stomach tightly before speaking, "Princess. You understand that you are beautiful, yes? I said I love you because I meant it. You. Just like this. Round and soft and thick. With your glasses and your big dark eyes and these curls in so many shades of brown and silver. Smart, sarcastic, funny, ballsy. You are shrewd and sneaky, that's sexy!" He chuckles a bit and you laugh raggedly, trying to hold back tears. 

"But," he continues in a milder tone, "I understand why you were unnerved earlier. I did not mean to absorb you, or, or erase you. I only want to take care of you. Spoil you how you deserve it. You understand?" That dark voice directly in your ear is incredibly distracting, and then the words register in your consciousness. 

"I, I mean I understand but I don't get it. You know?" Your voice is raspy, you're so tired deep in your soul. This is everything you never allowed yourself to dream of and you're not entirely sure that maybe you aren't in a coma somewhere hallucinating all of this. It certainly feels real, you snort to yourself as you pet over Diego's muscled arms. 

Nuzzling into your neck, he sighs deeply, "Oh, I do. You have no criminal record, you rescue tiny baby animals, I have seen you buy food for other people when their card declines, you sort recycling, woman." Here he laughs wryly and you join him. You see his point, you're both from very different backgrounds and from the outside probably don't seem like a good fit. But still…

"Most of my insecurities come from my size and the way that has influenced other people's demeanor toward me. You have never behaved like that, you always treated me just like all other women. It's both confusing and freeing. Like, at times I don't know how to behave but other times I just run with it." Your confession comes out evenly and sounds logical. Huh, maybe I'm finally getting over some of this.

Diego hums thoughtfully from where he is pressed into your cheek. "And you have always treated me like a person, not a bank or just a good time. Or a path to power." His voice is raspy and low, full of emotion. "As though my feelings mattered. Even that first night. You regarded me as an equal." You chuckle with the memory of forcing him to come to you in the club when you first met. His dimpled smile of delight still has the same effect on you. Recalling the morning after when he wasn't at all fazed upon seeing you while sober and well-lit fills you with warmth, too.

Diego goes on, oblivious to your musings, "I want to take care of you as a partner, not take you over. I want you just as you are, I wouldn't have taken you home, or texted you later, or invited you back if I didn't. I will share everything with you. I have kept you from the business for your own safety, but I, but if, if you want to see or learn, I know you would be an exceptional addition. It would change your life drastically and I did not want to make that decision for you; that would not end well."

You can hear the restrained hope in his words. His serious consideration of leaving the business for you is a revelation. He really and truly wants to share his life with you; to make a life together, not simply add you to his own as an accessory. He values your input and observations but doesn't want to put you in a precarious or dangerous situation. Being with him like this already does that. I'm already in this far, I'm IN LOVE WITH HIM.

"I want to think about it. I can't lie, of course I like the idea of being taken care of, not having to worry about things. But I still need to be my own individual, not a dependent, you know?" Its easier when you can't see him, you're less likely to shutdown and go nonverbal. Diego clearly understands this, and therefore you. Its new and novel and comforting and terrifying. 

With a kiss to your cheek he leans back a bit to whisper, "That is understandable and reasonable. I have been doing research, reading on normal relationships and not so normal women. I have never done any of this before.  But know this: Everything I have, everything I am, is yours, Princess. My wealth, my connections, my power, me, my heart, this dick, all yours."

You snort through tears, "That's like a fucking hallmark card, baby." It hurts underneath your ribs, Is this what love is supposed to feel like or am I doing it wrong? He's certainly doing it right. You giggle unevenly before amending, "Except for the dick. That is all Diego."

His laugh is deep and soft. "I have never bought a card in my life. Is that really what they're like?" He asks incredulously. Your enthusiastic nod only makes him laugh harder, the hoarseness of it giving way to wheezing. "That is horrible!"

"I know!" You crow and then collapse back into him in helpless guffaws. Diego wheezes into your hair, grabbing your hands and holding tight. 

"But," he pauses to giggle briefly, "But, can we try? Will you at least consider more for me? I wasn't sure when to tell you, but... we are going to split the territory and the duties. I am going to stay here, in New York, full time." Diego declares haltingly, his voice quavers with the fear of rejection. "You can come here whenever you wish and I'll be able to reach you in two hours on any day. I want to be as close to you as possible, close for you."

You turn around slowly, openly gawking at him. His big brown eyes are wet, he blinks furiously and licks his lips in apprehension. This dangerous, powerful, stunning man is afraid of your refusal.

 "You… I. I don't know what. That's. No one has ever…" you trail off and gesture vaguely. Your question is thick with shock, "You're rearranging your life for me?"

Diego shrugs half-heartedly. "You are my priority,  Princess. I don't want a life without you. Please tell me that is ok-kay." His voice hitches. For this man that is practically begging. 

You can feel your throat closing up, its all you can do to nod and throw yourself into his arms. That big body sags with relief as Diego crushes you to him. Burrowing into his neck, you choke out fiercely, "I love you, Diego Jimenez." 

His choppy sigh, the soft, "Te amo, Princess." It all shatters you apart. When the pieces come back together again its Diego who fits them into place, Diego who holds you together, Diego who tries to set you free to thrive on your own terms. 

This is like the most ridiculously lovesick puzzle in the universe. Fucking feelings.