#okay i am fully replaceable and don't deserve a personal life

[leninqrad]

hell is linkedin notifications, actually

i can't do this anymore guys

[teecupangel]

pardon me if I am insensible with cold medicine but consider

in the thing I suggested where Desmond replaces Altaïr and ends up in Malik's arms as he grieves growing in place of (what he considers to be) a better man

imagine that

Altaïr

ends up reborn as Robert de Sablé

as in, Altaïr fully remembers his life, how it went without Desmond's interference

and then found himself being reborn as an enemy to the assassins

of course, when he gets to the Levant and learns there's still an eagle of masyaf, he has to assume that it's Robert, switched with him at birth

he can't say why this has happened, but he does know that he made mistakes in his first life, mistakes he is trying to rectify as a member of the Templar order

but of course he has to be wary of "Altaïr" aka Robert and whatever he's planning

could this all be an incredibly long game to get the Apple of Eden?

cue a LOT of Altaïr being sneaky and suspicious ans trying to strategize as Robert (and of course promoting Maria in the organization as soon as he could without tarnishing her reputation)

And Deamond just like wow i don't remember Robert being such a shifty fuck before, weird

Guess Altaïr just glossed over a lot of that in favor of fights

The Desmond replaced Altaïr comment from @twitcherpated (that’s in this post):

in the same vein as the other sad ideas I've been pitching, consider: Desmond gets reborn, Yew Branches style, not as someone in Altaïr's orbit but as Altaïr himself. He's guilty and depressed about replacing a man he can't live up to, but at least he takes comfort in Malik being around. He always liked him in Altaïr's memories, and now he has a chance to get close to him, spend time with him, think about him when he should be training--oh no.

One of the problems I think Altaïr would face with being reborn as Robert is his relationship with Maria. Maria doesn’t strike me as the type of person who would have a romantic relationship with her boss, she’s too much of an honorable person to do something like that. Their relationship would be strictly professional and Altaïr would forever miss his dear wife, of course, but he would know that the Maria who is working for him isn’t his wife.

Thinking she is would sully the memories of his wife and will be a great disservice to the Maria he has with him right now.

Whether they do get past that wall between them though is another question altogether.

The reason why I focused on this is because you wished for Maria to rise up the ranks and Altaïr would want that for her. He needs an ally he can trust completely in this den of snakes and he believes that Maria deserves recognition for her strength and chivalry.

BUT this is the 12th century and the Crusaders weren’t exactly known for being… ‘open-minded’ on this kind of thing.

The Crusaders would probably whisper behind their back how she slept her way to the top and other unflattering things about her. They’d ignore it, of course, but that meant that there will be many who would oppose Altaïr’s plans for reformation just because of his ‘treatment’ of Maria.

But the Templar Order though… now that’s another story. Altaïr taking on the mantle of the Grand Master of the Templar Order (shudder) would mean he has the chance of making the Templars more in line with de la Serre’s Templar faction in Unity and Maria will be his second in command. Those who are part of the Templar Order would definitely respect her.

As for Desmond…

Well…

Sure, Desmond is confused by Robert!Altaïr being a shifty fuck but just imagine Altaïr’s own confusion when he thinks Altaïr!Robert who is really Altaïr!Desmond being mostly a chill dude who obviously has a crush on Malik.

The horrific expression on Altaïr’s face when he sees that Malik feels the same way and the two idiots are being all lovey-dovey without even realizing it.

Altaïr wondering if all they needed to do to get Robert to be a chill more amicable dude was for him to fall in love. XD

===============================

Okay, crazier idea:

Man, you know what would be even funnier? If Altaïr was reborn as Robert de Sablé in the idea where Desmond was reborn as one of King Richard’s illegitimate brothers.

Like, just imagine Desmond’s confusion to why this Robert de Sablé is… more cooperative and seemed to support his push for reforms in the Templar Order that goes against everything that the Templar Order actually stands for. He’s even willing to kill the really bad ones like Garnier for Desmond and Desmond’s just “What the fuck is happening? Why is he so reasonable and nice. Is Robert de Sablé actually a good guy???”

Altaïr, on the other hand, actually thinks that Desmond is a real historical figure that got lost in time or never made a mark in history because he has assassins (no, not Assassins, just those pathetic killers for hire kind) hounding him almost every day and one of them killed Desmond too early. Altaïr had to get Maria to coordinate with him so someone is always with Desmond because the nobility definitely wants King Richard’s “fuck y’all, I’m gonna change this country for the people, not for the powerful” illegitimate brother (and Desmond doesn’t even know what he’s doing is affecting the country) dead before he poisons King Richard’s mind with all these talks of equality and whatever. Altaïr honestly believes that Desmond died in the original timeline (which is true BUT not in the year Altaïr assumes) and that keeping Desmond alive would be key to keeping everyone he cared for safe and ushering in a better future for everyone.

And then we can fuck this even more by making the current Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad be any of the following:

The real Robert de Sablé - this would be the most fucked up timeline because you know that Robert will have his own plans already in place and might even have taken Al Mualim’s place already by the time 1191 rolls around.

Lucy - It would be funny and Lucy would be trying so hard to keep the timeline in check and then she sees Desmond who is just happy to see Altaïr (not thinking he’s had Altaïr with him for years even before this) and she’s like “who the hell is this guy???”. Also, just Lucy suffering the entire time trying to be Altaïr XD

Elijah - “How can we make Desmond’s life more complicated with this idea?” Bring in the son he never knew who is also a Sage and who may or may not have an agenda of his own in this entire mess. They never interacted with one another in canon, sure, but Elijah knew his father was Desmond Miles so the potential drama and angst are there.

Ezio - … just imagine Desmond and Altaïr’s confusion when they meet the supposed Altaïr who turns out to be so charismatic and well-liked that the Assassins honestly believed him when he said ‘yeah, Al Mualim’s a bad dude’ and has been the mentor by the year 1190…

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

My Last Letter To You.

I'm writing you this letter so I can have closure and say everything I need to say before I block you. I don't understand how you honestly can do this to me. To us. You were given another chance. You promised you wouldn't hurt me again. You wouldn't drink. And look at you. You can't help yourself anymore. And your piece of shit coworkers are just that. Pieces of shit. You lied to me. You blew off a night falling asleep with me to go get drunk with your coworkers. Your female coworkers. You lied. Once again. You can never be trusted, you've proven that to me. The one alcohol slip up, okay. But tonight? There was no reason. You chose alcohol over the beautiful love and life we could have had together. You told me to kill myself. Deny it all you want but I will never forget. You made fun of me for crying about you being with girls. You're a heartless man who spits venomous words at people he loves. Atleast tonight you didn't deny your love for me. Well kris. You killed my love for you. You proved to be like every other man in my life. You abused me. You're a drunk. It's disgusting. You're disgusting. I'm disgusted with you. I was disappointed, hurt, confused. No more. I know now that this is who you are. And who you are isn't deserving of me. I'm an amazing person. I've made mistakes but I'm a good person. I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I keep to myself. I continously work on my shortcomings. I saw a bright future for us. But now your future, I see it falling apart. You're going to lose your kids all over again and drink yourself into oblivion. Or you'll end up in jail. You're going to lose everything you've ever cared about just because you wanted to get drunk with some hot girls when you could have been with me. You think those girls are going to be there for you when you lose it all? No. Neither will I. I told you, you could come to me when you feel like drinking. When you felt low. Don't. I don't want any part of your life that you're choosing to ruin. I want nothing to do with you. You broke my heart for the last time. Only my ex fiance got that many chances. And I will not end up that girl I was with him. That will never be me. I should have seen your red flags. Your constant need to lie. How deep your alcoholism goes. I wish I did before I fell for you. But it's okay. Because you aren't feeling this right now like I am. And by the time you realize how low in life you are by losing me and choosing to go back to drinking, I will be fully over you and you won't even cross my mind. I will be free and you will be wracked in guilt and full of sorrow because your life will be empty all over again. And you can try to replace me. You never will. No girl will ever amount to me and the love I bore for you. I would have died for you. I would have done anything for you and you killed us. You killed my love and you will never revive it. I hope you feel every little bit of pain you've made me feel over the past couple months with your abuse when you wake up. I hope you realize what you've lost. Because it's absolutely too late. I'll tell you goodbye but you will never hear I love you. I won't give you that. You'll occupy my mind for a while. And it will kill me not to text you. But I'll be fine soon. I'll find joy in life again while you spiral downwards and for that I'm truly sorry. You don't deserve it. You have a kind heart but your demons have eaten you alive and it's so sad to see. This is why I never date addicts or alcoholics. Because I know one day they will relapse and I will have to watch them put their drug of choice ahead of me and everything they care about. I won't watch you waste away kris. I can't. I hope you get better. I don't see that happening at this point though. You don't want the help. You don't care about anything. You don't even love your children enough to stay away from alcohol. They deserve a better dad that and I deserve a better lover than you. Best wishes kris. Goodbye forever.

[k-s-morgan]

I'm a Reddit lurker, no account, and since the Netflix update am posts daily here and in reddit. A recent post on S3 caught my attention. Don't you feel that in S3 Hannibal's struggle at 'moving on' in Italy was far more intense that Will's? I agree with that poster that Will looked ok - readily gets married.. wife, kid. There were subtle things, true not touching, weak communication but he could have carried on fine. I didn't see him suffering the way Hannibal was. And felt angry at him.

Hello! Oh, I definitely agree that Will is frustrating to the point of being maddening. I think it goes back to his versus Hannibal's ways of expressing emotions. Will's been spending the majority of his life in denial in several respects at once, and his feelings for Hannibal is something he struggles with displaying. However, I think we still see enough of his struggles, and I don't believe he would ever succeed in carrying on without Hannibal indefinitely.

Will's journey is divided into 2 parts in S3: post-Mizumono and post-Digestivo.

Post-Mizumono

In the first part, Will is operating under the knowledge that Hannibal loves him, and his emotions come to the surface more openly. He can't and doesn't want to move on: the first thing he does upon waking up is voicing his pain at Hannibal leaving him to die, then berating himself for lying to him, then realizing Hannibal left him alive deliberately and that he wants to be found. Will begins to analyze their conversations and quickly figures out where he should go to look for him. After being released from the hospital, he starts building a boat to travel to Hannibal by sea. The nature of this action is romantic by itself - also, this scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. He openly admits to Jack that he wanted to run away with Hannibal.

Similarly, Will spends some time sitting in Hannibal's empty house. When Alana tries to reach out for him, he rejects her soundly and asks her to leave. He basically admits that he still loves Hannibal in their conversation, telling Alana about their pact of ignoring "the worst in one another in order to continue enjoying the best." These instances show that Will is pining hard, that his feelings are so intense that he no longer even bothers to hide them from Alana and Jack. The whole E2 is Will's love letter to Hannibal - he's reverent about him, he thinks about him non-stop, and he tries to find him very hard, even literally chasing him down. He even lies at the place where Hannibal left him his "broken heart," as if needing closer physical contact.

Things begin to shift as Will meets Chiyoh. It deserves a separate meta, but I feel like Will starts drawing comparisons between them and comes to a conclusion that Hannibal doesn't love him after all. That if he abandoned Chiyoh, whom he was supposed to love, so easily, for so many years, without bothering to return to her, then maybe he's just not capable of love. Seeing Bedelia as his replacement just reinforced this idea, so Will returned to his bitter and vengeful state, hence his attempt with a knife in Dolce. The end of Dolce and the whole Digestivo put Will through hell, and by the end of it, he's absolutely done. A big part of him doesn't believe Hannibal loves him, and at this point, he's no longer motivated to find out whether it's so. Will of Digestivo is a huge contrast to Will as he was in Primavera: the hope, the glow are gone, he retreats into his shell again.

Post-Digestivo

Fast forward 3 years and Will is still a shell. He might be married, he might share some lovely moments and jokes with Molly, but he's not happy. The first time we see their family, they are apart - and not just apart, Molly and Walter are actually fishing, something Will loves, while Will chose to stay alone and brood. Jack comes to find him and that's where everything starts.

First, let's consider the fact that Will didn't hide away from Jack even though he could. If he truly wanted the old life to be over, he'd have moved somewhere where neither Jack nor the FBI would be able to find him, cutting all ties. He could do it. Instead, he remained more or less visible. Instead of kicking Jack out, Will allows him to share the details about the case with him despite his half-hearted protests. Will is not a malleable person who's easily subdued or intimidated: he might go with the flow because he finds it more comfortable, but he's more than capable of sending someone to hell, especially now. This Will is the one who lied to Jack repeatedly, who chose to beat a man almost to death instead of shooting him, who mutilated his body and ate it, using his suit as a trophy. This Will chose Hannibal over everyone else, ignored the fact that people like Jack and Alana suffered and forgave him, hinted to Pazzi that he might join Hannibal in killing him, coldly set up Chiyoh to kill or be killed, made a display from the body of a person who might have been innocent, for all he knew, and so on. So, this Will was fully capable of laughing in Jack's face and telling him to leave. He doesn’t do it.

More than that, Will told Jack to not show photos to Molly and then somehow ended up having him for dinner with them. In the middle of it, he conveniently gets up to follow Walter outside, leaving Molly and Jack alone. Like... come on. Will knew perfectly well what Jack was going to do. He *wanted* him to do it because he wanted to go. He was bored with this fake life, he "craved change", like Hannibal tells him later. Will manipulated the situation from the start, though how conscious this manipulation was remains ambiguous.

He lies to Jack about having to see Hannibal to restore his mindset even though we saw how perfectly he recreated everything just a few scenes ago. Will didn't bother to wait even for a week, he demanded a meeting with Hannibal right away. This betrays his impatience and his longing. Soon after that, he hunts Bedelia down and verbally attacks her. He's openly jealous and he's trying to establish what relationship she shared with Hannibal. "Is Hannibal in love with me?" is a very important question for Will because here, he finally admits to himself once and for all that yes, Hannibal does love him, that he (Will) does have complete influence over him.

So, these three years was Will taking a break from wondering about Hannibal's feelings, their history, and trying to pretend to live a normal life for the last time. A part of Will had to know it was doomed to fail, but he still gave it a half-hearted attempt.  He wasn't okay, though, and based on everything, I'd say he was getting close to snapping again. Maybe he'd live with his family for several more years, but the boredom would get to him eventually, and the longing to finally figure out whether Hannibal loves him or not, the need to be his true self and Become would drive him back into Hannibal's world.

We don't see the intensity of Will's suffering for the most part because we almost never saw him in any other state, so we find it familiar. He lived his whole life surrounded by lies, denial, and self-hatred. He's used to not being happy and complete. He was most open in the post-Mizumono period because he allowed himself to hope for something then. In all other instances, he's stiff and very reserved.

I'm annoyed at Will as well because his inability to decide on something and the whole miscommunication thing start to drive me crazy in S3, but I understand his conflict and I accept that he and Hannibal have very different ways of showing their feelings. I do hope that if there is S4, we'll get to see Will appreciate and love Hannibal more openly. Happy Will should be a big contrast to every other state we’ve seen him in.

[illicitivywp]

mal de vivre.

The morning that Harry wakes up and you're not sleeping peacefully beside him is the worst of his entire life.

He can sense that you're not there. The air still circulates whiffs of your caramel shampoo and the breeze of your automatic fan that you always insist on leaving on all night still whirs leisurely and tickles the back of his neck.

Regardless, the room is vacant. He doesn't have to open his eyes to know that much.

For now, he remains entirely numb. Immune to the flooding sobs and intolerable agony and festering anger, he supposes it's in his best interest to stay like that for a while.

For a few days, at least. Until he can fully process your absence. He's not certain how long it takes the average person to wholly recognise an entire chunk of themselves missing, but he figures he's already suffered enough.

Surely, the universe isn't that cruel.

Your love is delightedly grand, and with its sudden unavailability, he feels so dejectedly vague.

He's clearly not perceiving time correctly, perhaps it's his distant concentration or maybe even his body's method of rejecting life and the wretched torture of its innate malice.

A few times, he's experienced sleep paralysis. The first, horrifying occasion is long-forgotten, when he was seven or so - it happened only after staying up until one in the morning to watch a horror movie that he'd been specifically warned not to watch and a towering vacuum of danger stood solid as stone at the end of his bed.

If it weren't for his fingertips subconsciously tracing featherlight scribes of your name on his forearm, he might reasonably assume he's haunted with the condition once again.

A clattering of paws on hard floorboards injects a little more reality into his thoughts, and he still can't bear, physically, to turn over and greet the sweet puppy you'd snuck home and surprised him with upon his arrival home from work around a year ago, knowing that his acceptance of a familiarly-shaped void is waiting just inches away.

Eventually, and after another chaotic scramble of claws in need of a cut, Chi is bouncing enthusiastically at his side and attempting an ambitious leap onto the mattress. She fails theatrically, landing in a resounding thud on her back and launching back to her feet, completely unaware of her owner's awaiting grief.

Masking his greatest fears with scooping a palm beneath Chi's belly and hauling her upwards to nestle into his chest, the reposition forces him to lay on his back (she's always detested laying on her side, especially when smothered with adoring cuddles) and, like the coward he truly is, his eyes focus adamantly on a random spot of the pale ceiling. With every minute shuffle, it becomes more and more achingly apparent that you're really not here.

And if everything runs correctly, you'll squirm and giggle graciously at his waking before returning his kiss, to his lips, this time, and he'll suggest applying a little moisturiser, like he always does, and you'll love him like you should.

When his eyelids snap open and his head curves breezily to your claimed side of the bed, he's somewhat unsurprised to confirm that his life truly has transformed to a dreadful bundle of tragedy. In your imposing place, is a neatly-made bed and an envelope.

A single, white envelope, stained by the sweet, flowing cursive that could flow only from your touch.

Chi leaps naturally to the spectacle, sniffing curiously at the letter and nudging it around a little, whilst Harry is so unexplainably pained that he's unable to move. Swallowing thickly, he's not certain word-for-word what lies in the confines of this envelope, but he does know it'll confirm your leaving him, and for some strange reason, he's relieved you left an explanation, at least.

A souvenir of you to hang onto forever, along with the millions of other items and memories of yours in his possession.

Carefully removing it from Chi's vicinity and replacing the object of her attention with a random squeaky toy that he'd discovered burrowed beneath his bed a few nights ago, he traces your exquisite handwriting with his fingertip and reads along with inaudible movements of his mouth; For Harry, mon amour.

In that moment, he realises profoundly that he'll never get to request hearing you say different words in your accent again.

The amount of times he implored relentlessly to hear je t'aime and have it accompanied with an endearing kiss is infinite.

Harry, my love,

I'm so incredibly sorry that I couldn't handle the pain.

Seeing your face cures any anguish I feel, but not this time.

I really, really tried; I know you did, too. I wanted it to work out, I prayed every day that our suffering would magically end and we could return to our love, I hoped that one day I would wake and cuddle you tightly and describe this awful nightmare I'd had.

Possibly, I may write to you in the future; please, don't try to contact me, it won't work and you know it's for the best. My family and close friends know where I am, where I will be, and they also know not to tell you if you ask.

I wish I could kiss all of your heartache away and protect you from all evil in this world, but I feel my presence is detrimental to your recovery.

My love for you is never-ending. Please be okay.

Forgive me and love someone else like you loved me. Let someone else love you like I loved you. Tellement, tellement.

Forever, I'll think of you and how unbelievably content I felt waking up next to you every day for seven-hundred and eighty (? - I'm estimating) mornings straight.

I will never, ever leave our love behind, and I adore you more than I can express. Your strength and resilience are admirable, and you are truly the best thing to ever happen to me.

Mon bébé, I miss you terribly.

Toujours, ton amour.

~

Chi tugs eagerly on her lead at the sight of the familiar entrance to her home, Harry in tow right behind. Sludgy snow muddies his shoes and soaks the hem of his jeans. His puppy's paws are undoubtedly drenched, too, but her fur is protected valiantly by her favourite jacket. He'd purchased it from a specialist store in France a year prior, and, since surprising her with the present upon his shared return, it'd become her primary option during the winter months.

Retrieving a reasonable pile of letters from his designated section, a rapid flick through displays bills, scams and all of the usual junk he usually receives. He offers his elderly neighbour a polite smile and holds open the door with his knee to construct a clear path for her exit.

He grimaces slightly at the teeth-shaped arc of damp dents into his mail - he hadn't particularly considered the repercussions of carrying it that way - and unclips Chi's lead, allowing her to run rampage through his airy apartment. Absently dropping his keys into its small dish of residence and taking a closer inspection at his post to infiltrate any wrong addresses or scams, he selects an apple from his fruit bowl and steals one firm chunk before noticing something peculiar.

Groomed eyebrows knitting together in confusion, he plucks one particular letter from the bunch and stacks it to the top. Perplexed by the sorely familiar curve of the writing scrawled on the front, his head shakes in denial - you wouldn't have, surely.

Discarding of all other mail on his kitchen counter, he's puzzled beyond belief; you'd left with no verbal warning and a letter that, admittedly, had been the source of several bouts of severe depression and, in spite of its awful affects, read dutifully every single day since your disappearance.

Rashly, he wishes you hadn't changed your phone number and email address shortly before leaving so he could possibly contact you regarding this mystery. However, he knows just as well as you clearly foresaw; his topic of discussion wouldn't be only the letter.

Tearing open the corner cautiously, he's incredibly delicate with checking inside the envelope once open to ensure it contains only his presumed note. Reviewing the front with a scouring gaze of disbelief, it really, truly has come from you.

He can't remember how many times he read each postcard that you'd gifted him with at the very beginning of your relationship. You'd recently made the permanent move from France to England, and, in a new country with limited knowledge of the native language, Harry had unintentionally become your beacon of comfort here.

With his fluent French and English, he was the perfect contender for kindly correcting your terminology and educating you on the essential etiquettes of Britain. Within weeks, however, your sweet smile had changed from an enjoyable sight during your frequent coffee shop meetings to something he craved.

He misses reading your silly, awful puns based around your home country, especially his favourite. A laughably unfunny joke paired with a matching scribble of the two of you; what do french fries do when they meet? They ketchup!

Harry,

I feel awful for waiting so long to speak to you again.

Your voice and your hugs. I've imagined them every single day.

I miss my Chi. How is she? I hope she's not missing her maman. Give her a kiss from me.

And the biggest kiss to yourself, because you deserve it, mon tout.

I'm inexplicably sorry for leaving so abruptly; I just couldn't take much more. The reminders were too much. Seeing your inconsolable pain every day was too much.

I'm so, so selfish, but I still believe allowing you to heal without my troubles was the best and easiest path for both of us.

I'm sure you noticed, but I may have stolen one of our pictures. It was your favourite, and that's why I had to choose that one, I suppose. Horrible, again.

I miss your dimples (and irritating you by poking them all the time). I miss your lips, they were so soft. No wonder you always bossed me around with the lip balm - I have my own now, I take it everywhere with me.

It smells like caramel.

Most of all, I miss your love. I've never known someone to love like you do. You were, are, and always will be, incredible.

Have you found someone to love yet?

Do you still think about me? If yes, please don't.

It's not fair of me to appear out of nowhere like this and not allow you a chance to reply. If you wish, post your letter to my maman's house - I'm not there, just to crush any other hope you have, but I'll receive it.

I'll be sorry forever, mon amour.

Sois gentil avec toi-même.

Câlins pour toujours, your baby.

~

Auriele,

I'm so thankful you decided to reach out again. I've missed you. Tellement, tellement.

Chi is brilliant, still eating everything and constantly in need of a haircut. She does miss you.

My hurt is still prevalent, I've accepted that it always will be. I truly don't believe it can be fixed again, but I'm still trying.

I spent the two weeks after your leaving searching for every single picture in existence of us. I cried so many times, I wish I could tell you that I'm wholly recovered and that you're fully forgiven, but I can't.

I think I counted them all. It's either three-hundred and seventy-seven or one-thousand, one-hundred and two (I have two sticky notes labelled pictures, I'm not sure which is correct.)

No one could ever love me like you do, tu es le meilleur.

I suppose that answers both of your questions.

Thank you for the chance to respond. I was incredibly confused when I received your thoughtful letter. I'm assuming by this one's destination being your maman's house, you're in France? You don't have to answer that. I would understand.

Mon bébé chéri, je t'aime.

Harry x

~

Harry,

It was the least I could do. I hurt you doubly and you never deserved that.

Tell her I love her. Buy her an ice cream for me (note the two dollars also enclosed in this envelope!)

There aren't enough apologies in the world to properly cover the extent of my mistakes, but I'll continue gathering as many as I can. And send them straight to you.

I also wish you could truthfully claim that you're okay, and I hope, with time, that you will be. It's all you ever deserved, mon chéri. You don't ever have to forgive me. I understand entirely if you hate me.

I wouldn't be surprised if those numbers were both low counts. I loved your face, as superficial as it sounds, but it truly was prettier than anything, and my favourite thing was always surrounding myself with it. Aussi longtemps que je pouvais.

My baby, I only tried my hardest to love you, and I sincerely hope I haven't ruined your idea of love so much that I'm your standard. Please, travel, find people to connect with, fall in love with a place, if not a person.

I bet Chi would love Spain. Australia, maybe? Thailand? Your choice entirely. You always were smarter than me (i.e. I left you - doesn't get much dumber.)

I am in France, feel free to ask any question you want about my current life if you decide to write back - you really don't have to. It's okay. You're still perfect.

Just not my address. It's so selfish of me to hide away from you when you're the one who deserves closure, but I'm not ready to share that information. Again, I'm sorry, and I hope you understand.

Tu me manques. Tu me manques ma maman et mon père. Tu me manques au cœur.

All my love, Auriele x

~

Every day, his thoughts are plagued with ideas of how to write his next letter. Your previous few communications ran smoothly; you seem incredibly apologetic and, as much as he would've gladly ignored the past tense use of 'love' in your most recent letter, he can't help but realise the difference from your first each time he reads it.

He's not certain why his first letter practically poured from his pen and before he knew it, it was sealed, posted and received. This time, however, he can't even construct a way to greet you.

Has distance and time really weakened your connection that much? His favourite childhood Disney movies would be ashamed.

The heartache you've endured together is insufferable, the bitterness remaining fresh and the misery continuing to roll onwards with him, and yet, you're both still alive. Perhaps, he should be a little more thankful.

He's tested out various support groups over the past few months; they appear to help in the moment, but once he returns home to a completely empty house, - aside from Chi - he realises all of his progress to be entirely fake.

How can he realistically recover from his insurmountable loss in solitude?

An apartment which used to breathe vibrant life and excitement for the future, diminished to nothing but silence.

He might as well have lost his house, too. Every second he spends there, surrounded by reminders of his grief, is draining. Of course, if he were a millionaire, he would've discovered a lovely, one bed flat with wide, open floors and windows. If he were a millionaire, though, maybe none of this agony would've ever happened.

He could’ve fixed it.

Regardless, he didn't, and now he returns home every single day, monotonous and finding solace only in rereading your letters and running through his local park with Chi, no matter the weather.

Sometimes, he hears the faint echo of your melodious voice ringing in his ear; mon doux bébé. For a moment, he believes you may be talking to him, but with a resounding giggle of contentment, you never were.

Within a month, he lost both of his sweet baby girls, and the pain is simply too much to comprehend.

Elle, mon cœur,

Firstly, I apologize for my late reply. This letter was, for some reason, incredibly difficult to write.

You hurt me never. Life hurt me, and it hurt you, too, and I'm sorry it's so cruel.

Chi adored her ice cream - vanilla, your favourite - and said thanks! (complimentary picture attached, for you).

Sympathy and apologies aren't a cure. I've received enough of them to know. I hope you have, too. We might not accept it and it might not heal our pain, but it is nice to know you have people by your side.

Mon amour, I would/could never come close to hatred for you. You are my entire heart, and you own everything within it.

I hope, one day, I can forgive you. I hope you can forgive me. We both made mistakes. We're both accountable, and so is fate. Unfortunately, it wasn't on our side, and we have to welcome that.

Your face is certainly Top Five list of physical attributes, which goes as followed:

1. your lips. I know I complained about them being dry all the time, but I miss them, still.

2. your eyes. Somewhere between the ocean and a cottage filled with flowers, they were paradise.

3. your thighs. I am a man - a broken one, but a man nonetheless - and they are certainly the most family-friendly feature I could think of.

4. your smile. Even on my darkest days, your smile was heaven. I hope you're smiling right now. I wish I could see it.

5. your face? All of the above and everything else. Was that cheating?

I wish I could leave here. I wish I could find a small, tropic island where Chi and I can get tipsy on Virgin Mary's and surf all day, but I feel it wouldn't be fair for both of us to run.

Although, Chi would certainly have a great time in Thailand. She told me so.

Did I mention she misses you? We miss you.

I have more questions than you can imagine. This is only my second letter, however, so I suppose I'll stick to three for now, (sorry for all the lists!)

How are you? Mentally? Physically?

Have you made new friends whilst you've been out there?

Would you ever visit London again?

I miss you forever.

Ton bébé.

Harry x

~

Harry,

It's more tough to write my letters than you might assume. No need to apologise, I understand.

Life is shit. I thought I had accepted that. I never imagined how evil it could be.

Chi, my baby, looks so pretty. I love her haircut (number 8694743? out of infinite).

I have heard my fair share of sympathy. At first, I felt bitter. They didn't understand what I had suffered, they didn't understand the pain I felt. With time, I realised that, sometimes, sorry is all you need to hear to feel a little better. To feel like you're managing life, at least.

I wish I could believe I deserve it, but I truly don't.

My mistakes seem perpetual. I'm constantly remembering new ones. Things I could've noticed faster, signs that I should've recognised. Yours are nothing. You made no mistakes, mon amour, please believe that. As much as fate has been my least favourite higher power for the past year, I agree about welcoming our own.

I would make a list of my personal favourites of your appearance, but I'd be here all day, and I'm meeting with a friend in an hour (your second question - check).

It wasn't fair for either of us to run. I think it's turned out for the best, however.

I can imagine Chi passed out on the beach. You both deserve a holiday. Go to Scotland, or something, at least. Just away from London.

I miss you both. Much more than I can express.

I'm well. Mentally; it's a struggle, but that's just life, I suppose. Physically; my sickness stopped a while ago. I hope your headaches did, too, but I've been searching for cures for those for a long time.

Yes! I've made quite a few close friends. They all know and love you. I'll tell them you asked.

London holds far too many memories for me to bear. You're the only one I can stand. Maybe one day.

Tellement de câlins.

Auriele.

~

The second your letter arrives and is read fully three times over, Harry's scrambling to collect his fancy paper and ink pen, thousands of ideas about how to reply brimming in his head.

Pen to paper, however, his mind is entirely blank.

You're inching closer to addressing the subject of your pain, and so is he. So far, the only discussions you've had regarding that difficult topic have ended either in awful arguments or uncontrollable, endless crying and they all occurred before your disappearance.

Since then, you've had ten months and seventeen days shared to mature from and process the situation. Perhaps, if you were to have a conversation about it now, it would be beneficial.

Harry is aware of the solution to his strange writer's block and urges to attempt to fix your hurt, but he's not quite sure if he's ready. Physically forcing himself up from his cluttered desk, he tries not to think of the main event when changing his sloppy t-shirt and joggers to jeans and a jumper; it's February, so the wind is still well and alive but, luckily for Chi and the duration of her walks, the temperatures are beginning to rise.

His destination is barely a thirty minute leisurely stroll through the city away, and he feels shameful to admit that this is his first visit in ten and a half months. Several times, he's gathered his courage to stand on the pavement, surveying the vast area but never making it closer than the protective fences.

This time, though, he's determined to make it. And he will, with je t'aime's and sweet giggles bubbling in his ears.

Your je t'aime's and her sweet giggles.

Auriele,

Life will continue to surprise us. It may be malicious, but it's also given me you, so I guess there are a few reasons to be grateful.

I think it's more like *8694744 out of infinite, and I'm sure she'll have many more unpleasant trips to the groomers in the future.

You are handling life impeccably, considering all. You deserve showers of recognition for just being here.

No one has ever been more deserving of my love, and no one ever will.

Please, don't blame yourself entirely. Yes, there were signs. Signs that we both should've seen earlier. We knew as much as everyone else. We can't know if things would be different if we'd noticed them, because they're not.

I'm glad you're enjoying life in France. Is it peaceful? Is it too far to ask if you're living with one of your new friends? What're their names, if you don't mind my asking?

If I were to go on holiday right now, Paris would be my first choice.

I'm glad you're feeling better, I hope you continue to improve mentally in the future. I wish you nothing but true happiness.

If you're ever here, I'd be honoured to see you again.

This might surprise you. Before I wrote this letter, I went to visit her.

I haven't since we were there together.

I talked to her for hours about my life and my pain and your letters and your pain and anything I'd love to say to you if I knew how. Meline always was the best listener, no offence to you. She just understands.

I miss her. I miss you. I miss my babies.

Please, send me a picture of you (always topping lists) in your next letter. I need to see you now. I bet you're glowing.

Toujours, Harry x

~

Harry, mon amour,

I feel as if I should address the end of your letter first, because I certainly wasn't expecting it. I cried a lot. I'm still crying as I write this.

It feels nice to feel.

I've been so numb to it all. I know I should sob every day, think of her every single second. I don't. That may make me an awful person, but I always preferred not to lie. Especially to you. I don't think the gravity has quite hit me yet.

Back to the normal, top to bottom of your letter.

My family is a gift. My parents, you and Meline, specifically. I've never admired anyone more.

I miss Chi. Especially today, for some reason. Send more pictures of her when you next write. (I enclosed an updated picture of me in town, if you hadn't noticed! It was taken last week.)

I had concerns. Concerns that I didn't follow up on. We knew something was wrong, but we did everything we could, right? We found help. We found medicine. Why didn't it work?

How fucking cruel can life possibly be?

It's much quieter than London. The air quality is visibly better. I am, actually. My closest friends are Leon and Aline. I'm living with them!

Paris is about as good a holiday as you can get. If I'm ever near you, whatever country it happens to be in, I'll be sure to see you.

The last part of your letter. I already touched upon it but not nearly enough.

I haven't said, heard or read her name in eleven months. I miss it. I miss your voice. And her laughs. She was so, so lively and enthusiastic for life.

It's so unfair that she didn't get the chance.

And I agree; she always was a fantastic listener. I told her about our issues more than I should've.

I wish I could hear her again. Her name wasn't Meline Risette Styles for nothing. Her laughs were so pretty. I could've listened on repeat.

I did. For a year.

I miss her.

I miss you. I miss your warmth. I miss your heart and your love and your smile and everything about you.

I miss normality.

When we thought things would be okay.

We were wrong, and hindsight, that's okay, too.

We will heal eventually, I trust that life can't take much more away from me.

Tout mon amour, Auriele x

~

Since that day, Harry's visited Meline every Sunday without fail - it's only been three weeks, but going in the first place was an unimaginable step.

He even combined Chi's walk with the most recent, and each time, entering, staying at and emerging from the cemetery becomes easier.

The first time, he paced through the gates several times before building the bravery to even step inside without running back. His flight or fight instinct had been touchy the whole time, bias towards flight the entire time.

He just wanted to be as far away from the source of his pain as possible.

At the same time, he just wanted his daughter back. Alive and healthy.

Once he'd settled, laid on the ground like a madman next to her grave, he never wanted to leave her again. He even brought her flowers and a little teddy bear from a shop he'd passed on his hurried journey there.

It was well and truly dark by the time he even considered returning home, because he'd rather be with his sweet baby than alone at home.

Now, Chi sniffs inquisitively around at the bundles of flowers placed on surrounding graves whilst Harry converses with his dead child's grave like she was as animated and eager as he remembered.

It's a little questionable for his sanity, but extremely helpful for his own mental health. And he's trying to fix them both.

He just wishes so much that he'd pushed for more tests in the hospital. If he could, he'd reject their diagnosis and prescription of heart medication and an inhaler for when her asthma flared up.

They claimed she had a weakened respiratory system and, subsequently, her heart didn't deal well under stress, mostly due to her premature birth.

They were correct.

However, they were entirely wrong when they sent you all home with a tub of medicine and advice to lower any potential stressors around her.

Harry remembers scoffing to himself; she was one, what could possibly be stressing her that much?

Apparently, a lot of things.

Your je t'aime's and her sweet giggles.

There's truly nothing better.

Auriele,

I understand completely about any emotion feeling refreshing. For a while, I felt immune to it. I cried and I got angry, but nothing ever really set in.

I'm thankful that I can feel now and it doesn't destroy me.

You're not at all a bad person, or a bad parent. Often, I wish I could forget about her. And not just to remove the pain for a day or two. Also, I appreciate the honesty.

Important things must be talked about first. And while this paragraph isn't quite at the top of my letter, it certainly is my most admiritive.

You're so, so unbelievably beautiful. Even more so, now.

Your eyes are still paradise. That picture is stuck onto the cork board in the kitchen forever.

We did absolutely everything in our power to help our baby. As soon as we noticed an issue, we took her to the hospital. Maybe they accidentally underestimated her condition, maybe they just assumed it'd be treated with that medication.

Either way, we helped her as much as we could. And you were, are, and always will be the most incredible mother.

Meline was lucky, truly. She loved you so much.

As it turns out, life can be our greatest enemy. It's difficult to control and even harder to accept, but everything happens for a reason, I suppose.

Leon and Aline sound wonderful. I know it's not my place, but tell them I said thank you for being there for you? You don't have to.

I've never known someone deserve a full, healthy life more than our sweet girl, and it's an injustice to steal that opportunity from her at such a young age.

She would've been two next week. I'm sure you don't need reminding, but I'm still trying to handle my feelings about it. I already know her birthday is going to be the worst day since she died.

Meline Risette Styles deserves the world, as do you. Please don't be afraid to take it. You've earned it.

Her name still brings me so much joy; little honey, pleasant little laugh. It was such an apt description, in her short life.

Life can always take more, but it gives things that are so wonderful. Sois optimiste.

Tout mon amour et câlins, Harry x

wattpad:

[roswelldetails]

RNM 2x11 - Linger

Quick note: I am SO sorry at how painfully late this is. I wasn't able to watch on Monday night because the police helicopter decided to sit over my apartment yelling loud threats to peaceful protesters when the episode aired politics. And then I had late meetings for work Wed and Thurs. And weekend things. Excuses, excuses though. I will try to do better next week this week.

EPISODE SUMMARY:

SECRETS AND LIES -- Driven by the prospects of her scientific research, Liz (Jeanine Mason) opens up to Diego (guest star Cleo Anthony) about all the good her findings could do. Meanwhile, Max (Nathan Dean) enlists Kyle's (Michael Trevino) help getting to the bottom of the recent abductions, while Michael (Michael Vlamis) does his own investigating into Alex's disappearance. Elsewhere, after learning more about her mother Louise, Isobel (Lily Cowles) pays a visit to Rosa (Amber Midthunder), in hopes that Rosa could help her begin to heal. Franklin Vallette directed the episode written by Ariana Quiñónez & Deirdre Mangan.

DETAILS:

Liz and Diego flashback from Denver the night he proposed. The science:

"Administering a lethal dose of radiation to observe a particular neoblast… It's a regenerative master cell. The only one with this protein. I mean, this particular cell was able to multiply, diversify, and reanimate my worm."

"Wait, so observing the master gets you the underlying mechanisms of tissue regeneration."

"Then I apply the mechanism to human tissue, and irreversible injury and degradation become distant memory. I know this isn't going to happen in our lifetime, but this could be a step to help."

Diego proposed to Liz in the lab at nearly midnight. She didn't seem to see the proposal coming, but she also didn't hesitate to say yes.

A neoblast is a part of a worm. I was so disappointed. I thought it sounded like some badass science thing.

Um...everything Liz is talking about is REAL. Check this out!

Present time, both Max and Liz waking up by alarm after falling asleep working.  Liz's lab work we know a fair amount about and there's nothing specifically revealing about her wake up, but Max's is more interesting.  Max fell asleep, while writing alien symbols in his journal.  There's two empty vials of antidote in the box we saw last week (though we know he took one at the end of last week's episode.  There's also an empty bottle of acetone.

Max, Liz, and Isobel at the Crashdown. Isobel used her powers to get in and apparently immediately put on antennae and made coffee. 

Max immediately reacted when Liz said she was with Maria. Which, note that it is a little odd that Maria is out of town with Crash Con starting, given her pitch last episode and the relevance to her business. 

Now Liz is saying I love you to Isobel too. Once the floodgates open they really really open with her 

"Non-binary intimate companion" 😆

Butyricol has apparently only been used in one highly classified military trial.  What's interesting about that detail to me is that if it's highly classified, how do we know that? All Diego told us last week was that it was only approved for military use.  In order to know that it was only used in one military trial, you'd have to know the details of the military use which, if it's highly classified, would be nearly impossible to get your hands on - even for a senator's son.  IMO, this is probably a bit of a plot screw up/narrative leap.

Liz references Charlie's bioweaponry expertise. Which we, the audience, know about from 2x04, but we didn't actually see Charlie explain any of that to Max and Liz...all she said in 2x08 was "a lot of people want to know what I know."

We are reminded that Alex is out of town, hence why no one is worried about not hearing back from him.

Michael tells Sanders everything they learned about Louise last week & then finds Alex's napkin from Jesse stuck to his boot, with blood on it, and immediately reacts.

Isobel mentions Rosa's sketchbooks in front of Diego, which was risky.  Diego didn't seem to react either, which is weird.

Diego and Liz in the Crashdown.

"Ah, doing some molecular gastronomy."

"Oh, got to stay on top of trends these days. Everything needs to be Instagrammable."

"Look, I was thinking...I bet butyricol uses inducible diphtheria toxins to stun the memory expression neurons into paralysis. See, of we can counteract that, we can get your friend her memories back."

"Would it boost GABA in DLPFC?"

"See, no, you're thinking working memory, not recovery. Think traumatic memory."

I am not smart enough to explain the science in this scene so:

Michael finds Jesse Manes in Alex's house.  Jesse pulls his gun, but Michael uses his powers to disarm him and throw him to the ground.

"You told Alex Tripp gave you this in 1987. That's before the Crashdown ever used this logo."

Accurate, based off of the flashbacks we saw in 2x09. However, how would Michael know that? Unless he has studied the history of the Crashdown Cafe, he wasn't even born yet in 1987.  Unless they changed the logo much later. It would be way more plausible to me for Alex to know that detail than Michael, as someone who spent his childhood hanging out with Liz.  Michael didn't even live in Roswell until 2001.

"I just found out that Alex never made it to Andrews Air Force Base last week.  He's disabled. He has PTSD. So I'm concerned about him."

Isobel tells Rosa that Arturo is lying low.  Which explains why he's not working during Crash Con.

Isobel explains to Rosa why she came. Love that Rosa knew it had to be about Isobel wanting something.

"I am curious about what's in your journals...I didn't really read anything.  I'm trying this new thing where I don't follow every selfish impulse."

"But you still looked.  What are you looking for?"

"Myself.  So to speak. I'm curious about what might be in there from the whole Noah thing."

"You can look.  And if you see something that you want to know about just ask. I'm probably going to tell you to mind your own beeswax, but, you know, shoot your shot."

Kyle and Max in the Wild Pony:

"I was suspended from work today. Craziest thing. I was accused of stealing hospital resources for personal use. There might even be a criminal investigation."

"Look… you're a good person. You probably deserve for me to leave you the hell alone, which is why I wish I didn't have to ask you, but I'm concerned that Project Shepherd might be tied to these abductions."

"You can't ask Alex?"

"He's out of town… Look, I'm just trying to find out who's hurting people."

"I hate having a conscience."

Diego & Liz in the Crashdown kitchen:

"Oh come on, you know damn well no one uses eggshells on purpose in any kind of cooking. You met my meemaw. Don't insult me. You're making calcium carbonate. Is this about regenerating worms?"

"Kind of. I'm testing out a theory. I know I have to recreate it in a sterile environment later, but with my dad laying low in peak tourist season, I haven't been able to spend as much time in the lab."

"The lab that made you sign an NDA. Which is where again?"

"Nice try."

Diego and Liz Flashback #2, celebrating her research grant and study publication:

"The groundbreaking research led by Elizabeth Ortecho is the future of biomedical engineering."

"This grant changes everything. I mean, there is so much more that we can do now. We are really gonna save lives."

"I'm so proud of you. Oh...my God. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm fine. It's just...when I was a kid, I felt trapped in my life. I was just thinking about what this would have meant to me then. To know that the person I am existed. This isn't what the world teaches girls like me to dream."

"What would you do… if you could do anything?"

"I want a Nobel Prize."

"Strong start. Okay what next?"

"Citizenship for my dad.  I want him to not always have to be so scared. And I want to be less angry. I'm angry so much of the time."

"Anger's not so bad. It reminds us that something's not right. And then we change it. And you are gonna change everything. I'm so glad I get to stand beside you while you do."

Back to present:

"Wait, I don't think that's fully…"

"Why are you helping me? I mean my dad, but me."

"You sound like my girlfriend. Naomi was also surprised that I would rush to Roswell to help someone who bulldozed my life."

"I really wish I would have handled things differently."

"But if you had, I wouldn't have Naomi. I mean, I have a good life, Elizabeth. I'm happy. I do miss you at work though. There's really...there's no replacing you there."

"Yeah I get the feeling."

"So wouldn't it feel really good if you would just tell me what your secret experiment is?"

"Hypothetically, let's say there's this rare blood disorder that affects one in four million people. No research, no treatments...Do you remember my planarian neoblasts with the regenerative proteins? So I…" fades off.

Max & Kyle in the bunker

"Searching for the term butyricol. What makes you think it's got a connection to Project Shepherd?"

"The drug was developed by the military. And the only other clue we have is a fractal burn pattern, which is an alien thing."

"And Project Shepherd is in the middle of your alien-military Venn diagram."

"I know. It's a long shot, but it's all I have right now."

"I'm surprised you haven't asked to see this sooner."

"Yeah, I'm still figuring out how much information I want to know. I mean, you ever wake up from a night of drinking and not want to know what happened the night before in case it's worse than you imagined?"

"Like if I don't remember Taylor Swift drag night at Planet 7, then it didn't happen?"

"...When this is done, why don't you let me give you a lift over to Liz's lab? We can load up the stolen equipment so you can return it. She's not using it."

"Nah, we don't have to do that."

"I mean, your handprint gives you access to their security system, right? So, you know, just get in there and return their stuff. Maybe they'll go easier on you if they have it."

Jesse and Flint (in front of Michael)

"Flint, what did you do with your brother?"

"Drop the gun...you can't pull intel from a dead soldier."

"I'd be careful kid. I taught you everything you know, but I didn't teach you everything I know. You wouldn't have showed up unless you wanted my attention. Well here I am. Where is Alex."

"He's safe and sound. I know how concerned you are about his safety. That why you had him locked in the basement? You kidnapped him first, Pops. What do you want from him anyway?"

"You hand him over to me right now."

"No. This time I outrank you, and I haven't granted clearance."

"You outrank me."

"You went soft. My entire life has been about destroying the aliens. That's all I've done.  Develop weapons, develop strategy. Fighting for our species, 'cause you told me."

"I was wrong."

"You can't do that. I don't need you for this, old man."

My question: how much of that was real and how much of that was staged? It seems like it was staged at the beginning, but then it also sort of seemed to go off the rails. It's really unclear to me just how involved Jesse is with Flint and Helena's plan. I'd like to believe a lot. But who knows? One thing I'm fairly confident about though is that Jesse is NOT who initially took Alex from the junkyard. The figure is all wrong for Jesse at the end of 2x10.

Michael uses his powers to steal Jesse's cane and whacks him over the head with it.

"You had him in your basement? What, you took him last week after you got that piece of alien tech from me? He's a loose end. If we got him back from Flint, you were gonna kill him. You are barely human! When I was a kid, I thought maybe because of my high IQ, my species was superior to your. Then I fell in love with your son. And I didn't feel superior anymore.  I am angry. And smashing things, it's easy. Alex has evolved past that. He's past you! And he's past me. Despite you slapping him around, shoving that Manes Man crap down his throat, he still loves. He even loves you. You don't deserve to call him your son."

Max and Kyle trying to get into the lab.

"I was deceased when they made the guest list."

Gah plot issues.  How did Max manage to sneak up on Liz in the lab at the beginning of 2x08 if he doesn't actually have access? 

"Maybe Liz was still pissed about the pollen in my mom's perfume, had Alex revoke my access?"

Yet another plot issue.  Why would Alex do that, even if Liz asked? He and Kyle were teaming up before he even knew that Liz knew about aliens. It makes zero sense that Alex would do that. It would have to be a spite thing from Liz because of her argument with Kyle in 2x09 and there's no guarantee she even has control over the security access for the lab. 

"If Diego was able to find out about this butyricol through his fancy connections, maybe it wasn't a Project Shepherd or Caulfield trial. Maybe it was legit military."

"Military would have some use for something that would erase state secrets from people's minds. They can't spill to the enemy."

"Or you could erase bad memories from soldiers coming home. Or it could be a weapon."

"Erase an army's memories...they don't know what they're fighting for anymore."

"Project Shepherd hasn't been legit in years, so what does Flint Manes do, officially, for the military?"

"He's a weapons specialist. He could have access to biomedical trials."

"Let's go. Find out what he's up to." 

Liz and Diego

"My team at my research facility, we found a rare protein. A mutated gene. You know what? I've said too much. You probably think I'm delusional anyway."

"No, you're not delusional. Elizabeth Holmes was delusional."

"Yeah, well, at least Elizabeth Holmes had funding."

"You can get funding."

HBO recently did a whole documentary on Elizabeth Holmes. I haven't watched it yet, but she seemed craaaazy in the trailer.

Flashback 3, Liz finding out that she lost her funding.

"The second we move from worms to human cells, they pull our funding and that isn't fair."

"I think you should reconsider the Genoryx grant."

"What difference does it make? Every research facility in this country answers to the same uber-conservative Department of Health and Human Services."

"Well, whoever's funding Genoryx isn't super concerned about FDA guidelines. They're above the red tape.  Look, you can start saving the world now."

"I can't do anything shady or secret. I have too much to lose."

"My God, Elizabeth. You don't always have to be this perfect daughter of a perfect immigrant!"

"Yes I do. Because the imperfect daughter is in a box at Frontier Valley Cemetery."

Back to present:

"Genoryx has more money than they know what to do with."

"Just because your office has ping-pong tables and hyperbaric napping chambers, does not mean that Genoryx isn't unethical."

Note: up until this last line it was implied that Diego and Liz were actually working together in the lab.  This line implies that wasn't the case, that Diego actually works for this Genoryx. Which sounds sketchy.  Related to Deep Sky maybe?

Graham Green's interruption, which is certainly going to be relevant to one of the final episodes:

"Greetings, Graham Crackers! Today, a private citizen pledged a donation to the museum that will change the course of human history. At closing night, 7:00 p.m., main stage, I will unveil the most astonishing alien artifact I've seen in all my years of collecting."

Michael chases down Flint Manes, uses his powers to puncture his tire, disarm him, and toss him to the ground.

Isobel and Rosa discussing Helena:

"This is the post-high school chapter, which is really just a big burn book on my mom. Finding out my dad wasn't my dad was bad. It was Liz's senior year when I dumped my drug dealer boyfriend, and I went to this NA meeting. I think that was the first time that I ever actually wanted to get better. But still, I wore a hoodie, I sat in the back, I made myself really invisible. I was...high at the meeting. You can see it if you want to. Jump in."

What Helena says in Rosa's flashback:

"The drinking started when the man I loved left me. That was almost 20 years ago. And I still see him every day. I see him in the street, in my business, but I can handle that. What I can't handle is when I see him in our daughter's eyes. Sometimes I think if we didn't have a child together, I might not hurt so much all these years later. I might not still love him, but I do today. So I drink, and I take pills. And I try not to look my daughter in the eye."

Back to present: 

"Why did you want to show me that?"

"I cannot relate to marrying a body-stealing alien sociopath. You're kind of on your own for that one. But I know that you're feeling messed up over not knowing your real mom. And I guess I just feel like it's worth saying that I wish I knew mine a little bit less."

Note: Again, how does Rosa know any of Isobel's identity issues? I guess we're supposed to assume that either Liz told her about it all, or that she and Isobel are having long, deep, phone conversations on the side?  Because everything that happened with Isobel trying to learn about Louise happened while Rosa was in rehab. 

The Spanish:

"Javi, la migra. Cuídate. Te llamo mas tarde."

Javi, immigration. Beware. I'll call you later.

The ICE officer from 2x10 comes into the Crashdown, threatens, and insults Liz. Liz first tries to get them to leave by offering them free coffee to go, and then the floodgates open and she starts fighting them.  Diego finally convinces them to leave by telling them that the Acting Director of U.S. Customs and Immigration Enforcement is a personal friend. At least the jackass learned how to pronounce her name properly since last episode!  I don't really want to transcribe their insults so I'm gonna leave it at that summary, though if you need me to, just send me an ask.

Kyle and Max search Flint's house. Key points:

Inconsistency! Max's hands are bare when he picks the lock to break into the house, but then he puts gloves on (off camera) when he's searching. But if the point was to avoid fingerprints he just left them all over the door!

Kyle finds a thumb drive that catches his attention for some reason. It's labeled Yucca Blooms LTD. Just as a side point, the Yucca flower is the state flower of New Mexico.

Max finds something in the trash that catches his attention, but we don't see what it is until the end of the episode. 

They get interrupted by a car pulling up and hide in the closet (paralleling Liz and Kyle hiding in the closet in 2x04).

Max finds the sniper rifle in the closet, which was shooting at him and Charlie when they rescued Cam in 2x08. (But Max shot the sniper...just a point.)

Kyle says Max smells like rain.

Kyle spots the hunting van pulling away from Flint's house.

I lied, you can see Max pull the box from the trash can.

Rosa calls Helena's house to hear her mom's voice.  Dirk answers & says:

"Helena? Helena is that you baby? Oh if it is please come home. We've been so worried. I love you so much. If this is the bastard that took her, I hope you rot in hell, you son of a bitch."

Note: why would Rosa have Helena's phone number? That is such a silly plot point. They wouldn't let her see Helena in 2x07 so why would they let her have her phone number? Why would she WANT it? This one kind of bugs me.

In the car driving back to Roswell, Rosa speculates that Helena was abducted leaving town.  Either that or she bailed on her family.

Rosa says she's not done with rehab and wants to go back once they know her mom is ok. Isobel actually seems concerned and asks if she wants to stay longer. Rosa wants to stay until she's better.

Isobel on money, answering one of fandom's oldest questions:

"Listen, Noah was a treacherous, serial-killing alien, but he did have a happy knack for day trading. And… I've been trying to figure out what to do with all that money he left behind...I want to be better too. The more that I learn about Louise, the more I want to be like her. She was a good person and she made a difference. Someone told me recently that they saw a lot of her in me. I really want that to be true."

They stop at the junkyard since Michael is not responding to Isobel. Which...doesn't seem all that out of character for him?

Michael and Flint chatting while Michael violently tortures him:

"So this is the perk of being a weapons specialist, huh?"

"If this is your attempt to convince me that you aren't a horde of violent invaders here to colonize a planet that isn't yours, I mean, you're doing a really bang-up job."

"You know, I was a good kid. I wanted to be an agricultural engineer. Maybe have a couple kids, start a dad band. But then I was provoked. And now I'm this. Maybe there's still hope for you. Your brother Gregory's living a peaceful life teaching kids, staying jacked on the res. And Alex…"

"Alex is a traitor. He'll be court-martialed when this is over."

"So he's still alive?"

"You were early."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, my father demanded a meeting. I had just left Sanders' Auto."

"If you hurt that old man!"

"I wouldn't touch him. Okay? He's a hard-working American. I was just leaving you a note. And I took Alex because I knew it was the best way to get you to cooperate. Alex will be fine as long as you do what I say. If you disobey,  make my day any worse, Alex will die knowing you are the reason. So why don't you untie me and apologize. We'll go from there."

Note that this scene is where we learn the source of the fractal burns.

Diego's last pitch to Liz:

"Listen, Genoryx invests in their people. You are valuable. I'm sure they'll sponsor Arturo's path to citizenship if you just sign on. In the meantime, you can work in a sanctuary city."

Max and Liz's fight:

"Kyle and I connected butyricol to Flint Manes. So I called Alex's other brother Greg, and he said that Flint has this property outside of town. He drives a massive hunting van, Liz. He was the sniper the night we found Cameron."

"Have you called Alex?"

"No, Kyle's on it, but there's something else. I found this in Flint's trash."

"This is the box my dad kept my abuelita's ring in until my mom stole it."

"I got the ring back, but she kept the box."

"Rosa called earlier. She was worried about Mom. I said that she probably just bailed like she always does. Okay, if Flint used Jenna to get to Charlie because Charlie builds bioweapons, what does he want with my mom?"

"Maybe he's trying to get to another bioengineering genius."

"Well, that's not gonna work. I don't care about her… Max, what's going on? You're being cold."

"This is a serious conversation."

"No, don't do that. What's going on?"

"I know Maria left yesterday. I saw her and Mimi off from the Wild Pony. So I know you didn't spend last night helping her process. And you certainly didn't spend last night here. I didn't push it this morning because I trust you, and everyone's entitled to their secrets."

"If this is about Diego you're way off base."

"I wish this was about Diego. Why is Kyle locked out of your lab? Why did you tell me that no one's accepting your applications when you've turned down two research grant offers? I found the papers in my trash."

"Because I don't want to go back to that. Okay? I brought you back to life and now I don't want to go back to worms and mice and rats and hoping maybe my work will help some other scientist revolutionize medicine decades from now."

"What kind of work are you doing, exactly?"

"I'm developing a rapid treatment for a rare blood disease. Kyle's girlfriend is sick and I want to help repay him for what he's done for us."

"So this is just about Kyle's girlfriend and then it's over?"

"If I can cure her, the possibilities are endless. I can adjust it for other illnesses.

"Adjust what exactly? Alien DNA? Liz, my God. Like, let's say you're right and you find some miracle cure-all in alien spinal fluid and then that information falls into the wrong hands?"

"It won't because it's in my hands. Max, I love you, I love your family. I am asking you to trust me with this."

"No you're not asking me anything. You haven't asked me about any of this. You just got caught in a string of lies."

"I guess it sucks, huh? When your partner doesn't include you in major, life-altering decisions?"

"Are you angry at me for bringing your sister back?"

Not gonna lie, I laughed out loud when Rosa walks in at this moment.  When, literally, another alien brings Rosa back." Rosa & Isobel's reveal:

"Well, there is new information."

"We found this on Michael's trailer."

"Flint didn't abduct my mother. This is Helena's handwriting. They're working together."

Just one more little detail about the note... It's the same Roswell postcard that Cam's fake note from Charlie came on in 2x04. Different handwriting though.

Kyle and Steph:

"Is it true? Have you been stealing from the hospital?"

"Steph…"

"Yeah. #nofilter. I can't get my hands to work lately, which makes getting the top off my makeup kind of hard. But we can talk about eye shadow after you answer me. Have you been siphoning hospital resources for God knows what?"

"It's not that simple. Yes, I've gone against hospital policy to treat people who can't get health care."

"Yeah well, this isn't a victimless crime, Kyle. My dad. He's been getting so much heat about supply shortages. His personal genome machine getting stolen out from under his nose. Do you know how much it's costing him to keep me alive right now? How much it would cost if he lost his fancy insurance?"

"I hadn't thought about that. I'm gonna return everything. That's why I'm here right now. To apologize. And to say goodbye. I am definitely going to lose my job, and after I confess to everything they're definitely gonna press criminal charges."

"Yeah well, your mom's the sheriff."

"And if you'd met her you'd know that means I'm really screwed. I wish you'd met her. She'd really love you. Goodbye Steph."

"Show up for your shift tomorrow...Yeah the thing about dying? Your dad's willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. And I don't want you to lose your job, so."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't. I'm still mad at you. Close the door on your way out."

Helena and Michael after she injects him:

"It's a special drug developed at Caulfield. It won't harm you at all, but you won't be able to use any telekinesis until it wears off. It'll keep you honest."

"I want to see Alex."

"Oh, you will. After you build me this bomb."

MUSIC:

Note, normally I get my music list straight from the source - the show's music supervisor shares it on Twitter @cmollere. But he didn't share this week because politics. So this week I pulled it from here:

Pasado Es Pasado - LMS

Makeup Counter Girl - Powerslide

Summer's Over - Pillbox

Just a Human, Being Human - Joey Sykes

The Last Man in Tujunga - I See Hawks in L.A.

Matter of Fact - BUVA

Take Me Someplace - Joey Sykes

Fade Out - Vicious Kiss

It's Easier to Run Away - Joey Sykes

[mister-lady]

geez, i love your writing so much. water totally does have a taste tho. otherwise when you went to other places besides your house you wouldn't think that the water tasted weird there!!! which i'm now realizing might just be a me thing lol. anyway! if it's okay to send another prompt (i don't wanna overwork you!) then howa bout 9 with Remus cuz you said you didn't like him at first and the prompt says "forced to spend time together"!!!

*sobs* th-thANK yoUu!!!! And exactly!!!! Water has a taste!!!!! Janus doesn't agree tho smh. I definelty get that tho! One of my friends house that I go to I cant have their water cause it tastes funky to me dkkvkskg.

AAA ILLYYYY🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘❤💘❤❤❤💘❤💘❤💘❤❤❤🌟❤❤❤❤❤❤💘💘💘💘🌟🌟🌟🌟you're not overworking me at all!!!!!!!! I'm absolutely loving all of these thank you sososoo muchhh🥺🥺🥺🥺👉👈👉👈👉👈👉👈👉😭👈👈😭😭😭🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺💘❤💕❤💕❤💕❤❤💕 this was super fun to do!!! Especially becuase I normally don't talk much about my enemies to lovers thing with Remus so it was kinda nice to almost project it onto here!!!🥰🥰🥰 Also sorry I got a little carried away while writing and it got a little off-topic from the prompt-

Prompt: A moves into a new apartment and wants to check out the closest dog park. Their dog loves it there, especially that one dog that seems to be there almost every time they go. With their dogs being madly in love with each other, A and the other owner, B, are forced to spend more time together as well

Warnings: strong curse words used a minor amount. Very small angst.

----------------------------

Matt had moved into an apartment, hoping to build up some money for a home. He was living the life though, being able to do things when he wanted, without people complaining at him. However, Matt had gotten a little lonely so he did the best solution! He got a pet. Now, Matt normally wasn't a fan of dogs, mainly ones that barked a lot, but when he had been searching through the animal shelter and found a very peaceful dog. It was maybe around 1 year old and it was a small poneramium. Normally small dogs barked a lot but this one was fairly quiet and Matt liked it for that. He named his dog Siskel. Since an apparment was a small place Matt had searched up local dog parks he could take his dog to and let it play for a bit and get some exercise. Matt was unbelievably happy when his dog had found another dog friend! He thought they were adorable together and seemed to get along so well too! What he hated was the rat-bastard that owned the dog. You know how theres the couple in movies that want be together but the parents hate eachother? It was essentially that for Matt, but it was one-sided. The other person seemed to find Matt amusing, even though Matt had often showed that he didn't care much for him. Sometimes Matt would feel bad for the way he treated the person, he never gave him a true chance. But then the person would say something that made Matt stop feeling as guilty. The downfall for Matt was that he had scheduled days that he could go to the park where he had free time so it's not like he could ignore the other guy either. Plus, he would feel bad for depriving his puppy of it's friend just because Matt had been salty.

Matt had currently been sitting on a bench at the dog park and was keeping a close eye on Siskel. He made sure to keep his dog on a leash incase it did go to do soemthing bad, he could pull it back, plus, he didn't have to worry about Siskel running off either. Matt could tell just by the way his dog acted, that it was impatiently waiting for it's friend to arrive. Matt was trying to take it's mind off of waiting for it's friend and was throwing a pinecone for his dog. He would use a toy but if another dog came up who knew wheres its mouth had been? Siskel knew not to fully bite on the pinecone, but it would still bark at it and pretend to play with it. Matt couldn't help but smile as he watched. Though, poor Matthew's smile didn't last for long as he felt the same ol' guy sit next to him. Matt knew a little information about him, like his name and such, but only because he had told him like Matt had asked.

"Hey, Maaattttt!!" He chimed.

"Hi, Remus" Matt huffed.

Matt watched as the dogs quickly ran up to eachother and played with a pinecone together. It was very wholesome. However Matt casted a confused glance towards Remus, not understanding why he was so silent.

"You're quiet." Matt commented, while raising an eyebrow.

"I am?" Remus asked, as if he wasn't aware of what Matt was talking about.

"Yeah, normally you're rambling on about something that happened to you, or about how you poisoned your enemies cake or soemthing." Matt soon regretted speaking up, as he watched a very amused smile grow across Remus's face.

Remus gave Matt a very tight hug, causing Matt to squeak from alarm. Matt couldn't help but notice now warm Remus had felt and he could feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

"Wh-.. what?" Matt questioned.

"You do listen!!! I was always afraid you never listened to my stories!" Remus seemed to be bursting with excitement.

"Well, I mean I kinda have too, you tail me around against my will." Matt flatly pointed out.

"Pssshh, yeah cuase you don't like me. Totally"

"I hate you. And why are you still hugging me??"

Remus withdrew and let go of the hug. Matt could've sworn he thought Remus looked a little upset for a moment, but if he did it was quickly replaced by happiness.

"You knowwww... it took you a little while for you to tell me to stop hugging youuu" Remus teased.

"You're honestly the biggest idiot I know and it hurts to be around you."

"You can insult me all you want but it's not going to change the fact that you like my hugs!"

"You're a lunatic and burn down places. The last thing I want is your hugs."

"Is that why you let me hug you?"

"I didn't let you hug me! If I did I would've hugged back. But I didn't."

"You let me hug you and you listen to what I say? Mmmmm... I'm pretty sure you like me."

"I don't like you, I'm just that lonely."

"Most people that don't like me get a restraining order, so you must like me to some extent, right?" Remus gave Matt a puppy-eyed look.

Matt groaned in annoyance. "I just might if I have to sit here any longer."

"That's not a no~"

"And it's definitely not a yes."

"Well, it's not a no, so I'll take what I can get."

"You're a dunce."

"I still don't see why you hang out with me so much then."

"Hang?? Out?? I-? Me??- with yOu??-" Matt stumbled over his words in aghast. "Okay, I certainly don't, and would never, hang out with you, Remus. You come up to me. I deal with it because for some stupid reason my dog likes your dog, and I do what's good for my dog because I have a little bit of common sense."

Remus pouted at Matt's little tangent and crossed his arms. "Fine. I won't talk with you then. Maybe then you'll like me more."

Matt shook his head, "Why do you care so much for whether I like you or not?"

Remus only glared at him and didn't respond. Matt decided to take the opportunity of peace and quiet, however, as time started to pass, he felt like something was bugging him. Like he was itching to do soemthing and he didn't know what. Like something was...off. He gave Remus a curious glance, wondering if he had done something, but by the looks of it he was behaving like a decent human being. If that was the case, then what was bugging Matt?? He had gotten what he wished for, had he not? He subconsciously gave Remus an almost longing kind of look, and Remus met his gaze for a split second, only to look away. Matt couldn't help but fear a pang of hurt in his heart, only to be quickly filled with frustration at himself. Remus complete was the opposite of a normal, decent, and civilized person. All he did was annoy Matt, so why did Matt feel bad? He quickly answered his own question. Remus hadn't done anything bad directly towards Matt, and Matt had acted like a huge douche towards him for no reason. Matt felt his eyes water up a bit at the realization and quickly blinked it away. He felt terrible for the way he had acted.

"I'm sorry." Matt spoke, his voice cracking a little bit causing him to inwardly cringe.

Remus looked at him, but gave him a questioning look as if asking him to go on.

"I'm sorry for being a massive and terrible douche towards you. You hadn't done anything wrong, if anything, out of all the things you've told me about I should be lucky that you didn't do anything to me and I'm really, really, sorry and I know that doesn't really change anything but I completely understand if you don't forgive me, and honestly with the way I've treated you I probably don't deserve your forgiveness." Matt had gotten repeatedly choked up as he spoke and had to keep clearing his throat or blinking away the water in his eyes in a sad attempt to hide what he was feeling.

Remus eyes had widened in surprise. That was by far not what he had expected at all. He didn't expect too much of an appology especially from Matt, so the heart felt appology took him a few seconds to process.

"..Matt?" Remus spoke.

"Yea?"

"Can I hug you?"

Matt quickly nodded his head and felt his face twist as he felt a few tears go down his face agaisnt his will. He didn't realize all the weird feelings he had subconsciously bottled up, but as Remus tackled him into a hug, almost knocking him off the bench they had been sitting on, Matt couldn't help but sniffle a little bit. He felt the warmth from Remus engulf him again, and his mind drifted to how nice Remus's arms and hands had felt to be wrapped around him. Matt tried to calm down his sudden emotions and breathed a little more slowly, and slowly slithered his arms up and around Remus's back and rested his head on his shoulder.

"We never speak of this to anyone." Matt mumbled.

Remus giggled and nodded his head in agreement, causing Matt to laugh a little bit himself.

"I knew you always liked me a little bit." Remus teased.

[newbeginningsworld]

Alive

For the longest time I've been unhappy with who I am.. just unhappy in general.

For the longest time, I've lived with this thing that's always been hard to explain..

My depression.

My anxiety.

The feeling of worthlessness.

I remember when it began.

It started when my father left when I was only 3 years old. He was in and out of my life until I was 10. It was then, at ten years old, when I decided he needed to stay out of my life for good.

He left me to grow up wondering if I actually really mattered.

He left me to grow up never being able to trust a man to stay. Never able to trust that anyone would stay.

He left me to believe that at the end of the day everyone would end up leaving me..just like he did.

As just a young child, I went through years of therapy, but it never really helped.

Talking to a stranger about what was going on in my ten year old mind did not help one bit.

The depression.

It only worsened during my sophomore year of high school.

I was lost.

My grades were slipping. I couldn't be on my lacrosse team anymore because of the results in my classes. My friends were going their own way, figuring out where they belong.

I, on the other hand, was alone.

I was alone with just my thoughts. The voices in my head were telling me I was unimportant; worthless. That I had nobody by my side. That I would continue to fail.

I was at war with my own mind.

I abused myself.

I neglected myself.

For years, I would look in the mirror and see nothing and felt nothing but hate.

I began to believe I had no purpose.

I had given up on life.

There was no point anymore.

I remember the exact moment when I completely gave up.

I was sitting in the corner of a running shower, tears flooding down my face, a razor blade in my hand.

That was the moment I attempted to take my own life.

I remember piercing my own skin, watching the blood run down my arm.

Instead of feeling pain, I felt relief.

All the pain. All of the sadness. All of the loneliness. All of the fear of failure. It was all about to end.

I would finally be set free from the prison cell of a body that I was trapped in.

But it wasn't enough.

I failed to take my own life.

And deep down, I was grateful that I didn't.

My physical wounds would heal, but leave scars as a reminder.

I remember the look on my mom's face when I told her what I had done.

The expressions of shock. The expressions of sadness and disappointment.

I had made her believe that this was her fault.

It wasn't.

It was the voices in my head. My depression.

I started going back to therapy.

Again, it didn't help.

Even though it was always going to be lurking behind me, I learned to keep it at bay.

And that was going to have to be okay for now.

Two years later, I graduated high school.

I persevered and overcame all of the obstacles and challenges.

Graduating means I survived.

The next two and a half years, I took time off.

Applying for job after job, just to get by.

I was trying to find myself, find my purpose in life.

But I still felt so lost. With no meaning.

Some days were better than others. Some days were worse.

Most days I lived in a state of pure agony and fear. My bad days usually involved me locked in my room completely numb to everything. Other times it involved voices, which sometimes became aggressive. At times, it made me believe things that aren't real. That don't exist. It made me feel things that aren't real, including physical pain. It made me relive the worst moments over and over and over again with no escape. At times it was terrifying and draining.

But I hid it. I shoved my feelings aside. As I always did out of the fear of judgment and being misunderstood.

I had come to terms that this was just apart of me and there was no fixing it.

Along the way, I found someone.

Someone who made me feel happiness. The happiness I couldn't yet give myself. Someone who put my mind at ease. Someone who was not only my love, but my best friend. Someone who taught me how to smile again. How to laugh. That I could be who I was and he would still love me. He made me feel okay, even when certain things weren't okay. In the beginning, he showed me the most beautiful love.

I thought I had found the one. My soulmate. The person who I could see a future with. The person who I could build a life with.

Then suddenly we were a world apart. But I promised I'd always wait for him and he promised to do the same.

Two months later, everything changed. Things were different between us. He had become cold, angry, and distant. At times, even ignoring me, pushing me away, and forgetting plans we made. I just wasn't a priority in his life anymore. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. Worried anything would set off his anger. I spent months lying awake at night, doubting myself. Wondering where I went wrong, if I was good enough, what I could do better. Trying to change who I was to better fit his liking.

Throughout all of it..I lost myself.

I have no idea who that girl was. I was so consumed in my relationship and trying to make it work, I couldn't recognize myself. If I would have listened to my friends and let go, maybe things would have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost friends. Maybe I wouldn't have lost myself. Maybe I wouldn't have been living through my boyfriend.

But I continued to fight for my relationship..to try to make it better than it was. Even though deep down, I knew it would never change.

He continued to push me away. He closed himself up. He would even cut off in the middle of a conversation and just disappear. He had given up on trying to fix things. He had given up on us.

I felt alone in this relationship.

It was then I had come to realize that all the words that were said were just words. All of the promises made were all lies. I found out I was not the only girl in his life, or at least he didn't want me to be. For months, he would have moments of extreme jealousy. He would see guys complimenting me and accuse me of liking it more than I should. He would accuse me of cheating and make me feel belittled.

When in reality he was the one who was cheating.

The plans of our future, the words of love, they all came crashing down. They were all replaced with the feeling of pain, betrayal, anger, and sadness. It hurt like hell. This feeling of pain and betrayal sits in the very core of my being. Its like a rotting corpse of our future together that was brutally murdered by his actions. Its foul. It's a stench I have no words for. I can not recognize the person I once had so much love for. Who I poured my heart out to and would have given everything to. He was a stranger.

I had let him in. He broke down all of the walls I had built to protect myself. I let him see all the parts of me, even the dark parts of me. I trusted him with my heart, just for him to walk all over it and treat like everything we had been through was..nothing.

I am the one who is going to have to live with this. Knowing the one person I trusted completely and fully not only betrayed me, but forever destroyed the trust I will place in others. How am I ever supposed to believe in anyone again? I won't be able to. Not fully.

I finally gathered up the courage to end it. To leave this one sided relationship. This toxic relationship. I realize now that at the end I was only holding on to this relationship because I was afraid of being alone. But sometimes being alone is exactly what you need.

So that you can finally see everything clearly.

I had been blinded by love, that I didn't see it for what it truly was. I know now that I'm better off. That I deserve better.

Even though I lost my relationship and a best friend,

I gained something so much better.

Me.

My entire life, I have been trying to fill this void, but nothing ever seemed to stick.

There was always something missing.

I know now,

That missing piece I had always been looking for

was Me.

I needed to find myself again.

To learn to love myself.

I had gone down a self destructive path.

I had not only lost myself, but I lost faith.

But now, I'm ready.

I'm ready to dedicate my life to something better.

I am ready find my faith again. I am ready to surrender all of my fears and worries. I am ready to go down the path that has always been meant for me.

I am finally going down a path where I can see light instead of darkness.

I'm finally on a path to getting better.

I'm finally on a path to learning to love myself.

I'm learning to not let my depression, my thoughts and my feelings consume me.

I am learning to forgive and let go of all that pain and toxicity.

I am learning to finally be in control of my own body and my own mind.

I am learning its also okay to feel emotions. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to not be okay. I know now that I am stronger than the struggles I face. I know I am strong enough to get through anything. There is a reason for everything. My struggles made me stronger and made me the person I am today.

I am learning that things will not always turn out how you planned. And it's okay if they don't.

It's okay if I lose people; if I lose friends. Sometimes it's for the best. I am learning to let go of the toxic people and I know now that I deserve better. I deserve to be made a priority; to be put first for once.

It's okay not to get the perfect score on every exam. Nobody is perfect.

I am learning not to compare myself to others. I was made the way I am for a reason. I am me and that is enough.

I am learning I do not have wear make up everyday. I do not have to play a part. I am beautiful the way I am.

I am learning that we only have one life and I am no longer going to take that for granted.

You only live once, so I'm going to eat that piece of pizza. Or the entire pizza. I earned that pizza.

I'm going to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, as if nobody is listening, even if they are.

I'm going to see more movies, even it's by myself.

I'm to make my dreams a reality. I'm going to study hard, graduate and become a Vet Tech.

I'm going travel.

Go on more walks and enjoy the world around me; because sometimes it can actually be beautiful.

Love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally.

I am going to actually live.

I am learning that I DO deserve to be happy. For me and nobody else. I am learning that I AM important. I am ENOUGH. I do MATTER. My happiness matters. My mental health matters.

Life is too short to be anything, BUT happy. Smile & take a deep breathe because everything we are facing is temporary.

After everything, I have finally found my purpose in life. I am finally moving forward.

I can finally see a future that I am in.

The weight on my chest.

It is lifted and I can finally breathe easy.

I overcame

I conquered

I survived.

I am ALIVE and I finally want to be!

[imnoexpertblog]

Don't Stress, You're Blessed

This is the Health & Beauty Blog! I’m going to switch this up and gear it towards health this time; mental health at that. I have had a really hard two weeks, and it seems to keep dragging on. I’ve mentioned how hard it is to sleep lately, in the heat and light and noise. So to put you in my shoes, cut the amount of sleep you want to get in half these past couple weeks. The heat also makes it hard for me to eat. It’s hard to be happy when I don’t feel well, either. Now add being nauseous or having a headache from lack of sleep and food. Next, pretend it’s also shark week (what I nicknamed my period, its funny). Hormones are a-raging. Lastly, add anything that may stress you out, big or small. You’re now turned me into someone you really aren't. Someone you don’t even like. You're not you anymore. And it sucks.

I’m weird in the way that I can handle big problems/stressors very well. I can hold myself together (and everyone else, too). I can carry a great deal on my shoulders when I have to. The weird part is that I fall apart over the small things instead. Those are the things that push me over the edge. I can’t afford to fall apart during the big stuff, so sometimes I crumble with what most people would consider small or minor things. This is pretty hard on the people around me and I need to manage my reactions better.

First thing (for me) to stress less and be happier AND healthier; SLEEP MORE. I know getting enough sleep is very important. I know it. I used to sleep NO LESS than 8 hours a night. No matter what. It was a huge priority of mine. Sleep is still important to me and I still try to sleep as much as I can. But. Sleeping during the day is different. Besides the heat, noise, and light, things are happening during the day. Let’s walk you through something pretty common for me. Can’t get an appointment with the dentist until 10 am? Well it looks like I will have to attempt (and fail) at a short nap when I get home at 7:15 am. I do have to get up at 9:00 am anyway so maybe I won’t even sleep until after the appointment. Get home from appointment at 11:30am. Well, I will hopefully get 5 hours of sleep before Baby and Nugget get home this evening. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep through much anymore. So many things can wake me up very easily. At this point, I have awaken at 1:30, 2:45, and now 3:45. I’ve probably gotten about 3 and a half hours of sleep. I can’t fall back asleep. Guess I am up for good. My boys will be home in an hour or so, anyway. Maybe I will get a few more hours of sleep in before work at 11:00 pm. Maybe not. That is something I have to deal with all the time. Even if I don't have an appointment, I am woken up by the landlords cutting the grass or weed-eating, the neighbors hanging decorations up on the walls, sirens from police and ambulances on the nearby highway, etc. Falling back asleep can be really difficult after/during these instances. It feels like I can't catch a break.

Then for food. If I can’t fuel my body adequately, how can I expect to feel healthy? Trust me. I am well aware of this. The issue is if I am hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, there is no way I will be eating anything. I’d gag on it if I tried. Honestly, need to get back into meal replacement shakes because I have no problem drinking my calories/meals. I also just need to pound water as much as I can. I've mentioned the Keto diet is low-carb, which makes it harder for me to retain water. I have hormonal migraines (meaning as long as I have shark week, I will get migraines), but I am sure that water would help out a lot in general.

Now for the outside stress. Tackling this is a big project. Sleep and diet can only do so much for you. So. First things first. We need to pinpoint what is stressing us out. You can’t fix something without knowing what is causing the issue. My stressors are adult things that I cannot really escape. Saving for a house and wedding is hard. Not knowing how much longer I can work third shift is hard. I more or less just need to stop worrying about money, continue to save, and look into first shift positions. I tend to get worked up about the unknown very easily. That’s my anxiety. At least I know and recognize this. What is stressing you out? Money? School? Work? Explore your emotions and why you feel the way you do. It always points to something. Some say writing about your stress helps. Journaling what is stressing you out, how you feel about it physically and emotionally, how you are reacting/responding to it, and how you relieve that stress. Things like this are helpful to refer back to, especially when trying to stop a cycle or pattern. Or if you are trying to instill better habits.

Now that we hopefully know what is stressing us out, we can try to avoid those things. Personally, I need to notice when I am overthinking and put an end to it. That’s a big issue in my life. Something may not be a big deal, but I can’t stop thinking about it over and over and over (anxiety) until it’s become a huge problem in my mind. A problem so big that I work myself into a panic or rage. Something else that seems to really weighs on me is what my family thinks of me and what I am doing with my life. I mentioned in my first blog post, Let Me Explain… and About Me that my parents have put a lot of pressure on me to succeed ever since I was pretty young. I've taken over the role for them since having moved out four years ago. I know they think highly of me, are proud of me, and expect nothing less than excellence. I now do the same to myself. The feeling of letting them down or disappointing them absolutely terrifies me. I need to learn to let go a little bit. I know they love me and that they are fully aware that I do my best when it comes to anything. Easier said than done, but these feelings I get are unnecessary. They may be warranted, but that doesn’t mean they are obligatory. Its not like anyone in my family makes me feel inadequate; I really do this to myself out of fear. My desire to make them proud is very driving (and driving me nuts LOL). Are there things in your life you can cut to avoid any extra stress? Do you need a new job schedule? New job in general? Are there certain people that you shouldn’t have in your life? Are there things you have been putting off that need to get done?

If there are things you absolutely can’t stay away from, you can try to change the situation. There are things you can control. I knew I was behind on sleep this week so I took a day off to catch up. You can also change the way you handle a situation to make it less stressful. My personal example it that I can’t avoid the fact that we need to save money so I made changes in my budget to make it easier. Compromise isn’t always fun but it is a must. It would be very difficult to save money if I shopped every Friday or went out to eat a few times a week, but I cut those things out of my budget.

As much as I don’t use this tactic in the moment, I really think it’s great. Think about the cause/issue of your stress. Will this even matter in 5 hours? Will it matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?! Most of the time; HELL no. Then why does it matter now? It doesn’t. Don’t let your emotions run you or control how you react. It is so easy to be bothered sometimes; to worry. But isn’t life so much better when you’re happy? I really have to remember this one for the future. Also ask yourself if you’re being realistic in your expectations of something. I cannot expect everything to always go according to plan, no matter how badly I wish it would. I get very bent out of shape when routines are hindered. I crave structure and consistency. The minute something has to change unexpectedly, I immediately get anxious. Realistically, that is normal. I cannot control everything. I just need to remind myself of this.

Something that helps: TALKING. I encourage you all to talk about this stuff. With whoever you want. Family, friends, spouses, a professional, anyone. Sometimes I think I talk too much, vent too much, complain too much, but it’s actually how I work through these things. It’s also sometimes how I realize I am being ridiculous. It helps you discover things like why you feel a certain way, what might help, etc. When the issue is out of your hands and you can’t do anything about it, talking can still be therapeutic and helpful. You can also use the typical advice of relieving stress through physical activity. SO many people go to the gym. Take a break and do something new or fun?

The last thing I want to touch on is something I really struggle with in these stressful moments; being positive and forgiving. Rather than focus on what went wrong, I need to remember what is right. There are silver linings, and those are the things to pay attention to. Things happen that aren’t anyone’s fault. There just isn’t anyone/anything to blame sometimes and that is okay. Even if there is someone to blame, letting go is better than holding it against them. Turning energy into hate and resentment is a waste. You should use your energy towards being happy.

Baby is always there to take my venting, my frustrating, my monster. Whether he deserves it or not. He is so patient and understanding. Although I appreciate it, that can only last so long. There are only so many apologies I can give before they don't mean anything. I don’t want to be the monster I am when I am overwhelmed. I don’t want him to have to ever feel like he’s “putting up” with me. He is there for me to lean on, not use as a punching bag. He knows why I get like this sometimes but that isn’t an excuse to be that way. I need to practice what I’ve just preached and harness this energy I have in being frustrated and difficult, and redirect it to being the happy person I know I am. I have too good a life to be unhappy.