#okay fine the books did like 90% of the work but my point still stands

[moon-and-ocean-child]

In my mind Illario Dellamorte as a character is

"Says the cringiest romance novel stuff and gets away with it" *Eternally suffering with the crippling insecurity and pain of someone who has never been considered enough and never will be*

And y'all want me to not need to beat him stupid and later make him a nice bowl of soup and cuddle him.

Bioware needs to stop expecting me to not adore every pathetic villanous man they write. It hasn't worked since DAO. I'm looking at you Loghain Mac Tir.

[10-19-17uswnt]

Not that kind of librarian Sonny- Tierna x Reader

This is my first ever fic and I’m really nervous about it so tell me what you think. Prompt: “I work at a library and you continuously ask me to help you find books about the most random topics, are you on some sort of quest?”

On this particular day when Tierna walks into the Stanford library she stops dead in her tracks when she sees you standing at your desk. You are the most beautiful girl she has ever seen. She is so lost in thought that she doesn’t notice you walking right up to her.

“Can I help you with anything?”

She blinks quickly and looks around confused. Suddenly she can’t remember why she’s here. Panicking she blurts out the first thing she can think of to keep you from walking away.

“Dinosaurs!” 

An adorable blush starts to creep up her freckled cheeks as she realizes she practically shouted at you. You smile softly and let out a quite chuckle.

“Do you have a specific dinosaur in mind?” You say as you start to lead her towards the correct section.

“Uhh no not really” She laughs nervously with a hand on the back of her neck. “I’m Tierna by the way, Tierna Davidson.” She finishes while extending her hand to you.

What she didn’t know is that you knew who she was the second that she walked through those doors. You were a huge soccer fan and even played all throughout high school, but your senior year you were told that if you got another serious concussion it could result in brain damage so you decided to hang up your boots for good to stay healthy. 

Despite what you went through you still loved the game so when you arrived at Stanford you went to any game you could. Tierna is one of the best players to come through the Stanford program so it was no surprise to you when she finally got her first call up. From the very fist time you saw her play you were smitten, and now is no different.

“I know who you are Superstar,” You can’t help but grin as you watch her eyes widen. “I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N),” You say as you finally bring your hand up to meet hers.

Just as you are reaching the books about dinosaurs you hear your boss call out to you, “(Y/N)! I need you to put these books back where they go!”

You can’t help but feel disappointed at your time with Tierna being cut short. For a fleeting moment as you turn towards her you think she may look disappointed too.

“Duty calls, I’ll see you around Superstar” You say as you bring your hand up to brush her arm. You’re already beginning to walk away before she can respond, but as you look back you see her nodding. 

With her original purpose for coming to the library long forgotten Tierna quickly makes her way back to her dorm room texting into the USWNT groupchat as she went.

Baby T: SOS I JUST MET A CUTE GIRL AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Frat Daddy Sr.: Aww shes a baby gay.

Frat Daddy Sr.: I remember those days

Frat Daddy Sr.: It took me like 3 months to ask out my first girlfriend

Baby T: 3 MONTHS?!?!

Not so Baby Horse: Probably not helping worms

Frat Daddy Sr.: My bad T...

Frat Daddy Sr.: I’m sure you’ll be fine

Pressi: Just take a deep breath and tell us about this girl honey

Baby T: I was headed to the library for only god knows what at this point and I saw her standing by her desk and I couldn’t help but stare because she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. By the time I realized that she was standing next to me I had already forgotten what I had came for so when she asked what I was looking for I just blurted out the first thing I could think of. AND she already knew who I was and didn’t seem bothered by it at all.

Dasani: Wait I thought librarians were only hot in pornos?

PewPew: Eww Sonny, not that kinda librarian

The Great Horan: I don’t see the issue here, just ask her out

Uncle: Yeah just go back tomorrow and ask her to coffee or something

Rose🌹: Leave it to Lyss to be the voice of reason haha

Baby T: Just ask her to coffee, how hard could that be? Thanks everyone, minus Kelley and Emily

Frat Daddy Sr.: HEY!

Dasani: HEY!

The next day you’re sitting behind your desk when you see Tierna walk inside. When she spots you she smiles and starts walking towards you. As she gets closer you call out, “I get to see the Superstar two days in a row? Must be my lucky day”

Her step falters as a deep red blush rises to her cheeks. Making Tierna a blushing mess is quickly becoming your new favorite thing. “What can I do for you today Superstar?”

She stands rooted to the spot staring blankly at you. You start to think that maybe she’s not as into you as you thought and maybe you should cut back on the flirting when she finally rushes out, “Doyouwannagogetcoffeewithmemaybe?”

“I’m sorry, what did you say? All I got out of that was coffee. You’re gonna have to talk slower babe.”

Her eyes widen and somehow her blush gets even darker. She clears her throat before speaking again.

“I uh... I asked if you.. if you... had any books on how to make coffee.”

You give her a weird look as you turn to your computer to see if the library has such a book. While you are distracted Tierna facepalms at her nerves getting the best of her once again. She is pulled out her thoughts by the sound of your voice. 

“You’re in luck Superstar, we have one book on how to make coffee.” You say as you get up to pull the book off the shelf and check it out for her. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

“Uh..Nope. That’s it I guess. Thanks (Y/N)”

You watch disappointed again as Tierna walks away. Before your brain can catch up to what you’re doing you grab a pen and run after her. “Hey Superstar! Wait up!” 

Tierna turns around slowly and watches as you jog up to her. She’s extremely confused since she thought that she blew it with you once again. When you finally reach her you grab her arm and before either of you think about it you write your number on her arm. When you see the goofy smile spreading on her face as it dawns on her what just happened you knew that you made the right decision.

“Call me Superstar.” You say with a wink as you start walking back towards your desk.

As you walk back you hear a load yell and turn just in time to see Tierna land from her flying fist pump. You shake you head with a smile, this goofy girl held the key to your heart and she didn’t even know it yet.

On her way back to her dorm Tierna excitedly pulls out her phone to update the team.

Baby T: GUYS GUYS GUYS! I GOT HER NUMBER!!!

Pressi: That’s great sweetheart! Now, do we get a name for this mystery lady of yours?

Uncle: So I guess the plan worked?

Baby T: Oh yeah! Her name is (Y/N), and not exactly...

Frat Daddy Sr.: What do you mean “not exactly” it either worked or it didn’t

Baby T: Well you see, I was GOING to ask her out to coffee, but then she was flirting with me and called me babe out of nowhere so I panicked and asked for a book on how to make coffee...

Not so Baby Horse: Oh honey

Dasani: Wait how did you end up with her number then!?

Baby T: She ran up and wrote it on my arm when I was leaving

PewPew: So now that you got her number are you going to invite her to the game Saturday?

Baby T: Should I?

PewPew: You said she already knew who you were, so that means shes a fan right?

Baby T: Good point. Thanks!

Your shift ended almost an hour ago and you still haven’t heard anything back from Tierna. You were starting to worry that you had written your number down wrong when you hear your phone go off.

Unknown: Hey it’s Tierna

Maybe?Tierna: From Stanford

(Y/N): Hey Superstar, I was beginning to think you didn’t like me anymore ;)

Superstar: Oh, sorry lol. So we have a national team game coming up this Saturday in LA and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come watch and like meet the team and stuff

Superstar: But like its totally cool if you already have plans, or if you don’t want to go

(Y/N): I’d love to

Superstar: Really? Awesome. Okay cool, I can’t wait.

(Y/N): Me either, I’ll see you Saturday 

Saturday could not come soon enough, you drove 6 hours on Friday to get to your hotel and relax before the game. Tierna had to leave in the middle of the week to meet up with the rest of the team so this will be the first time you’ll be seeing her since you gave her your number. Luckily you bought her USWNT jersey last year so you’re able to show your support.

You get to the game early so you can watch the team warm up, when your eyes meet Tierna’s you can’t help the excited squeal you let out as you wave to her. She had pulled some strings to make sure that you got a seat close to the bench ans was excited to see that the staff went all out and gave you front row seats.

On the field Emily notices that Tierna has gotten distracted and follows her line of vision. When she shes your happy dance and notices your jersey a devilish smirk appears on her face before she calls out to the team.

“Hey look eveybody, T’s Sexy Librarian is here” Her snickering is interrupted by a thump on the back of her head from both Christen and Ali.

“Get your head out of the gutter Sonnett” 

From your seat you watch on amused at the reaction that your presence has caused. Soon after that the game was starting, the US were playing the Korean Republic and while it would not be as exciting as a rivalry game it was still a very good game. Tierna started and played a full 90 with some great plays on the ball.

Once the game was over and most of their gear was packed up Kelley noticed that Tierna kept glancing back towards your seat behind the bench. Tierna jumped when she felt Kelley’s hand on her shoulder.

“Oh, hey Kelley”

“Just go ask her out already dude, you’ve been texting her non stop since you got here so I think its safe to say she likes you too.” She whispers in her ear.

“Now go get your sexy librarian!” She laughs as she shoves her towards you

You smile as you see that ever present blush start to creep up her face as she walks towards you. When she finally reaches you she takes a deep breath before speaking.

“(Y/N)? I really like you. As in make me forget my on name kinda like you. From the very first second I saw you in the library last week I was awestruck by your beauty. That’s why every time I came to the library instead of getting what I came for I left with some book I didn’t need. If you’ll let me I’d like to take you on a date so that we can get to know each other without a phone screen and 350 miles between us.”

Throughout her little speech your smile continued to grow, but towards the end you could read her face and see that the nerves were starting to fight their way to the surface so you decided to interrupt her before she could start rambling.

“Hey Superstar?”

“-oh uh, yes?”

With a smirk you watch her eyes go wide as you lean forward and grab the nape of her neck.

“Just shut up and kiss me already,”

For once she stopped overthinking and listened to her heart.

[heliads]

I’ll Protect You

When a mysterious death threat shows up at your front door from Gerard Argent, you know who you have to go to if you want to survive- Scott McCall.

masterlist

Things were going perfectly fine up until the moment you found the death threat on your front door. It was a pleasant, sunny morning. You had actually woken up without feeling exhausted, which was nice. It was shaping up to be an agreeable day. Then, you had heard the sharp knock on your door.

Yawning, you stumble blearily to the front door. Your parents, tired after long days of work, were still blissfully asleep and so the responsibility for answering whatever insistently knocking early-morning caller fell squarely on your shoulders.

Oddly enough, by the time you pull open the plain wooden door, your would-be guest has vanished. You poke your head out of the door, blinking in the bright light of morning, but you can’t see anybody. Strange.

You’re just about to head back inside and dismiss the whole venture as one of the younger neighbourhood kids playing a prank on you when you spot the folded paper lying a few feet away from the doorstep. Frowning, you pad over to it and pick it up, but your confused look turns into a troubled stare when you unfold the plain, unwrinkled note. It doesn’t say much, just a few words typed onto the stiff white paper. 

We know what you are. We will be coming for you.

This alone spells danger, but it’s the grey heading at the top of the paper that really starts to worry you. This threat is sent by the Argents, legendary hunters of people exactly like you. And if they know what you are, you’ll be dead by morning for sure.

Checking the empty streets one last time for possible messengers, you quickly hurry back inside, slumping down into a nearby chair. Your parents don’t know you’re a werewolf, hell, neither do any of your friends. You’ve kept your supernatural identity a locked-away secret that only you know. You’ve never breathed a word about it, never gone wandering on full moons, and barely even used your supernatural abilities at all. How do the Argents know?

Of course, it’s not how they know that you should be focusing on. Regardless of what they did to find out your secret, they’ll be coming for you. You stare out of the window unseeingly, turning things over in your mind until you arrive at one last-ditch plan to save yourself.

Just as you’ve feared, there are people watching you from the second you walk through the doors of Beacon Hills High School. You’ve suspected for some time that there are a few junior hunters attending your school, and your theory is proven correct when they watch your every step. No one else seems to know about the fact that you’re a werewolf, but there’s a definite group of four or five people shadowing you no matter where you go.

Thankfully, the one class you need the most is your first period of the day. You head gratefully into your AP Bio class, nodding a distracted greeting to your teacher, who announces that you’ll be starting a partner project. Careful to avoid suspicion from the few potential hunters in the front, you slide quietly into a seat next to one particular dark-haired boy.

When Scott McCall notices you sitting next to him, he looks at you in confusion. “Not to be rude, but don’t you usually sit next to-” You cut him off briskly, pulling out your textbook and turning to the assigned page. “Yeah, but Ms. Finch said partners so I figured it would be alright.” You lean over the book as if starting to work on the assignment, but speak instead in a hushed tone.

“I need your help. It’s something really important.” Scott nods slowly. “Okay, what do you need help with?” You hesitate for a moment, deliberating on how best to explain your situation. “It’s the Argents. I know you’re a True Alpha, I need your help so they don’t kill me.”

Scott looks stunned for a second, then turns to you. “You’re a werewolf. How did I not know about that?” You laugh lightly. “I’ve been trying to keep it under wraps, but I found a death threat at my doorstep today from the Argents, and some of the wannabe hunters have been trailing me all day. I don’t know what to do.” Without attracting too much suspicion, you fish the note out of your backpack and hand it to Scott, who reads it quickly before giving it back to you.”

“That’s definitely a problem. Tell you what- head over to my house tonight after school. I'll get Stiles and the others to show up too, and we can all figure out what to do to make sure you’re alright.” You flash him a grateful smile. “Thanks. I mean it.” Scott returns your smile. “Hey, no problem. We’ve been needing to take care of the Argents for a while, anyway.”

The end of the day cannot arrive quickly enough, and you’re more than happy to quietly depart for Scott’s house. The hunters in the school have been eyeing you all day like you’re a prize pig they can’t wait to slaughter, instead of the fearsome monster that they all seem to fear.

By the time you manage to shake your followers and arrive at Scott's house undetected, the rest of the McCall pack is waiting for you. Scott ushers you inside, where everyone is gathered around the kitchen table, ready to help you with your little problem.

You pull the note you found earlier from your backpack and place it on the table, unfolding it so everyone can see the threat as well as the unmistakable logo of the Argents. Malia looks at it, thinking. “Chris Argent is still our ally, so this has to be Gerard’s doing. I thought we scared him out of town, though?”

Scott sighs. “I doubt we’d ever be that lucky. He’s probably trying to make his way back into Beacon Hills slowly, by taking out a wolf here and there.” Stiles squints up at you. “Also, Y/N, why didn’t you tell any of us you were a werewolf? We could have kept you more safe. I thought lone wolves were always unprotected.”

You tilt your head in acknowledgement. “Lone wolves face a lot more risk, that’s true. The thing is, I was trying my best to keep the whole werewolf thing a secret. I figured it would be easier to pretend to be a human if no one knew, and if I hung out with you guys, it would be pretty obvious that I was a supernatural of some sort.”

You look around the room, registering the confused looks on the faces of Scott and his friends. You spread your hands out in front of you, feeling slightly defensive. “Look, everyone who’s been associated with your friend group is either a supernatural or has been one at one point. If I wanted to make the hunters think I was a human, I probably wouldn’t be hanging out with the group that’s like 90% supernatural.”

Lydia nods, trying to hide a smile. “Y/N’s not wrong. I mean, Scott was a werewolf, then Malia was a werecoyote. Kira was human until she was revealed to be a kitsune, Liam was human until he was bitten, I thought I was human until I found out I was a banshee, Hayden and Corey became chimeras, Mason was host to the Beast, and even Stiles had to become the Nogitsune for a short while. Basically everyone in the pack has been a supernatural at one point.”

Stiles nods slowly. “I mean, I guess. I never thought about it that way.” Scott clears his throat. “Can we get back to the issue at hand? If Gerard Argent is coming back, then that spells bad news for Y/N. I’d like to make sure she lives long enough to graduate high school.” You laugh at that. “Me too. That sounds good.”

After a lengthy discussion, you and the McCall pack figure out what to do. You give them each directions to your house, and then the plan is set into motion.

By the time you make it back to your house, the sun is just starting to set. You toss your backpack into a corner of the room and make yourself a snack. Your parents are still at work, so the house appears deserted to any onlookers.

Just as you had feared, there’s another knock on the door. A voice calls out to you- “Come on out, Y/N. We know you’re there.” You give yourself a moment to collect yourself, then square your shoulders and walk to the door. When you pull it open, you find yourself face to face with at least half a dozen hunters, Gerard Argent at the front.

Gerard fixes you with a glare. “Did you really think that you could live freely and not be found out? We do not tolerate werewolves, a lesson you’ll be learning tonight. Beacon Hills is for the humans.” He gestures to one of the hunters, who hands him a crossbow. “Lone wolves do not survive for long out here. It’s a shame- you really should have known better than to be alone in a town like this.”

Gerard points the crossbow at you, an arrow aimed at the center of your throat. Before he can fire the weapon, however, a voice comes from behind you. “She’s not alone.”

Scott McCall steps out of the house, standing in between you and the hunter. The rest of the pack appears out of nowhere, encircling the hunters, who now look tense and afraid. Scott folds his arms over his chest, staring down at Gerard. “Do you remember the last time we spoke? We made a deal, one that is in your best interests to keep. The promise was that if you and your hunters left the supernaturals of Beacon Hills alone, we wouldn’t kill you on the spot.”

Scott gestures around to the pack. “We have weapons and powers that will allow us to take all of you down in the blink of an eye. So I’ll remind you, one last time, to honor our agreement. It’s as much for our benefit as it is for yours.”

Gerard maintains the eye contact for a moment longer, then looks away, nodding at his hunters to stand down. As they file out, Scott speaks one last time. “Y/N is with us. We have her back. If you even look at her again, I will slit your throat with my own claws.” Gerard spits out a few last words about how this is going ‘just as he had planned’ and that he is ‘warning you, Scott McCall, pride goeth before the fall’ before stumping away with the rest of his hunters.

Scott turns to you with a smile as the pack files inside your house. “See, that went pretty well. I don’t think they’re going to bother you again.” You laugh. “No, I think most of those guys looked like they’d rather move to Antarctica rather than have to deal with any of the pack again. They looked terrified.”

Scott laughs as well, but turns serious. “If you ever feel threatened again, please come find me. I know we just met and all, but I want to keep you safe.” You raise an eyebrow, smiling. “Man, I’d heard about Scott McCall’s need to save everyone, but isn’t this a little much?” Scott can’t help a smile. “You’re important to me, Y/N. I want to protect you.” You grin and nod. “Sounds like a plan. We’ll keep in touch.”

[idle-writer]

His Place

HIS PLACE

fandom: Detroit: Become Human

pairing: Nines (RK900) x Reader

word count: 1.75k

warnings: none

A/N: This is for the lovely anon who asked for more DBH content (I wish I know who you are so I can tag you, hope you like this!)  I hope you all enjoy reading :)

_______________

You hear someone calling your name, followed by knocks at your door. Peering through the peephole, you see a delivery guy holding a clipboard, a big human-sized box beside him. You slightly open your door, bolt still on, cautious since your part of the neighborhood isn’t exactly the safest. “How can I help?”

He says your name, and you nod. He points his thumb at the huge box. “Delivery for you.”

“I just need you to sign here and here,” he hands you the clipboard, which you refuse.

“I didn’t order anything.”

“I hauled this big heavy thing four flight of stairs. Just accept the thing so I can leave.” The man taps his foot impatiently at the floor.

Sighing, you take the clipboard from him and sign your name. He gestures for you to open the door so he can wheel the box in and you let him. He asks where he can put it down in which you pointed at a random space at your living room.

After the delivery guy has left, you inspect the box. Nothing seems out of ordinary except for its size. Grabbing a pair of scissors, you decide the box will not open on its own. You carefully drag the sharp edge of the scissors to free the box from it seal. Opening the flaps your eyes widen at what you inside. There inside the box is a man - dark chestnut hair, his chiseled face littered with few freckles, thin lips in pursed in a straight line, his eyes closed. Is he dead?! Panic surges through you, and you do something that people shouldn’t do when they see an assumedly dead body – you poke it. On the cheek. Which is incredibly soft, and cold? You shriek when you see steel grey eyes staring back at you.

“Apologies for startling you. My name is Nines,” his voice is rich and you are immediately drawn to it. “…and I’ll be your android companion.”

You open and close your mouth, gaping like a fish out of water, confused as hell as to what and why is this happening. “Android companion? I didn’t… oh god.”

Quickly pulling up your phonebook you search for his number. Only he can pull this kind of prank. The person on the other line hasn’t even said hello when you starts yelling at him, “I swear to god, Gavin Reed. Did you just send me an android boyfriend?!”

The boisterous laughter on the other line confirms your suspicions. Gavin is a childhood friend. When you were younger, he teased you mercilessly for not having a boyfriend, and you kept telling him it was because you hang around with a jerk like him too much. And when he went to the Academy, you just lost contact with each other. Until the other day, when he walks into the same café you usually get your coffee.

“You look so lonely reading your book with only a cup of latte or whatever,” you swear you can hear the snicker on his voice. “Just try and give it a few months, yeah?”

You sigh and shake your head, knowing there’s no saying no to Gavin Reed. Still as stubborn as ever.

“Fine fine fine,” you glance at the android standing at the middle of your living room, he seems to be inspecting his new environment. “But don’t they require. I don’t know. Maintenance?”

“Don’t worry about it. I have it covered. Plus that’s the latest model of its kind. It uh does it’s own self maintenance. So yeah gotta go. Bye.”

“Wait-“ you have a lot of more questions but before you can ask, he has already dropped the call.

“Is there a problem?”

You jump back, startled by the voice near your ear. It’s not everyday you have a male companion – human or android – in your living space. “No, I just haven’t done this before.”

He nods at your words, “I’d hate to make you uncomfortable in your own place. So let me know if I have to make adjustments to my configuration.”

“No, no. It’s fine. Just be yourself,” you give him a friendly smile, “This is your place now, too.”

_______________

Nines is seating in an almost 90 degree angle on the couch, feet planted to the floor, his eyes are trained forward, his LED spinning yellow. For the one month, you’ve been together, you’ve learned a lot of things about him, and he about you. You begin to notice his small mannerisms like how he subtly tilts his head to the side when he thinks.  

He begins to notice the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, or how you gently pats his arm when you laugh at something funny on the television. He also notices that there are days when you’re completely worn out from your job, but you still give him a smile and does your usual chores, ending up with you passing out on your bed.

You flop down beside him on the couch.  “Thanks for cleaning up the place by the way.”

“It’s my –“

“Yeah, yeah, it’s your job. Whatever. Still thank you,” leaning your head on his shoulder, you close your eyes. You can’t help but feel how nice it is to go home from work and find someone waiting for you. You are almost on the edge of falling asleep when you feel yourself being shaken awake.

“You have a perfectly fine bed."

“Nah, I’m perfectly fine here,” you bury your face on his shoulder, “This is my place now.”

You wake up the next day, still in the couch, blanket sitting lightly on your shoulders. You don’t know how you got into that position with your knees bent on the couch, head resting on Nine’s lap. There’s a slight soreness in the back of your neck but you don’t mind. All you can feel is the gentle caress of his fingers through your hair.

_______________

You are walking up the stairs to your apartment, silently cursing your building for not fixing the goddamn elevator. Nines is trailing beside you, finding it adorable amusing how you’re stopping every five steps to take a breath, a sound similar to a chuckle coming from him.

You are almost on your floor when something flashes by and bumps in to you. The impact so hard you feel air get knocked out of you. With your balance lost, you stumble backwards. You shut your eyes and brace yourself for the fall that didn’t come.

Nines holds you firm to his chest, “Are you alright?”

When you don’t answer, he turns you around. His eyebrows are knitted as his steel eyes frantically scans your body – neck, shoulder, wrists -  for any injuries.

“Nines. I’m okay.”

As if he doesn’t hear you, he drops on his knees and continues fussing over you, his LED spinning in quick red circles.

Using both your hands, you cup his head to make him look at you, “Nines. I’m okay. I’m fine.”

You watch as his LED slows down. Red. Yellow. Never letting go as it reaches Blue.

“You’re okay,” he mumbles more to himself than to you. “You’re okay.”

That night he tucks you to bed. You jokingly asks if he wants to share the bed with you, when he doesn’t respond, you squeeze his hand, bidding him a silent good night. He spends a few minutes standing at a dark corner of your room, watching you sleep.

The next day you wake up, he’s nowhere to be found.

_______________

It has been a week since you last saw Nines. You even contemplated tracking him down, maybe he has a GPS tracker or something, only stopping when you realize how weird that’ll be. He’s not some dog you own you can just track and put missing posters up for. He left for a reason. And the more you think about it, the sadder you get. The couch feels a lot bigger. Your apartment feels a lot emptier. Life feels a lot suckier.

A loud banging on the door followed by yell, “Police open up!”

What if they found Nines and?

You scramble to your feet and open the door. Your vision going red when you see Gavin Reed laughing on the other side. You swing a punch at him, connecting at his jaw. “You jerk!”

“What?” his signature stupid smirk on his face,  “I am police.”

“I told you, detective. That was not a good idea.”

The familiar voice freezes you on the spot. Tears starting to sting the back of your eyes. Nine is safe. He’s okay.

“Suddenly, you know her better than me? I know her since – ” Reed jeers. He turns to you , only to see you crying, face hidden in your hands. “ – woah – are you crying? You punched me yet you are the one crying.”

Your sobs becomes louder, barely muffled by your hands. Reed silently pleads for help to the android who is now glowering at the detective. Nines ushers you inside your apartment, and seats you in the couch - the same couch you two spent hours just seating side by side. Nines wraps his arms around you, letting you cry on his chest. The clean crisp smell of his clothes no longer sharing the smell of your own detergent, instead it reminded you of the first time you met him.

He waits for your tears and your shaky sobs to halt, and for your heart to rest in a steady beat. He waits for he knows you waited long enough.

And when you are able to calm down, he holds you hand, rubbing gentle circle with his thumb, gauging your reaction, calming your distress as he explains. He is sent undercover to survey the building. The guy who bumped in to you week ago is actually a wanted criminal, and if ever you see something that night, you’ll be in deep trouble that’s why Nines had to leave and make sure to capture the guy as soon as possible. His words falls in your deaf ears, your mind focusing only on two words.

“An undercover mission, huh? Just a mission. Just doing your job.” You try to act normal but ended up cracking miserably, “Why did you return then…”

Thoughts of him saying his goodbye springs in your mind, just as fresh tears does.

“I have nowhere to return to but here,” he squeezes your hand, “I was told this is my place, too.”

He will never say it out loud, at least not right now. His place is with you.

[toosicktoocare]

I’ve got BatFam on the mind. 

Jason sinks back against his couch, humming pleasantly, and he’s just about to kick his feet atop the ottoman and open the new book he’s been eager to dig into for a month now when a quick, patterned knock on his apartment door interrupts his eased thoughts, startling him briefly before he sighs loudly. 

He’s just decided to ignore it when the knocking continues, accompanied, this time, by a small voice he, unfortunately, recognizes almost immediately. 

“Jason?”

He makes sure the groan that builds from the back of his throat is dramatically loud and equally as long as he drops his book on the abandonded couch behind him and starts to the door, undoing the locks and pulling the door open with a familair frown reserved specifically for the damned “family” of his. 

“Replacement,” Jason bites out, fingers curled lazily around the edge of the door. 

Tim’s drenched before him, shuddering slightly with his arms wrapped tightly around his too-slender frame, and his normal, calculated composure looks to be nudging the brink of breaking. He squeezes under Jason’s arm, letting himself into the apartment, and Jason drags a deep sigh out. 

“I need your help.” 

“Did you already forget where the door is?” Jason asks, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. “Because it’s right there, and I’m happy to escort you out.” 

Unfazed, Tim slows his pacing down, stopping in the center of Jason’s entryway. “Dick’s been kidnapped.” 

Jason rolls his eyes, a bad habit he hasn’t cared in the slightest to remedy. He drags narrow eyes up and down Tim’s uniform. “And I care because?” he draws out, arching both brows. 

Tim sighs at this, and if Jason weren’t borderline dangerously annoyed, he’d be a little impressed that he’s managed to just barely get under Tim’s skin. 

“Look, seeking out your help made the most sense logistically.” 

“Logistically,” Jason parrots back flatly. 

“You’re the closest to our location.” 

“And, you came here instead of helping,” Jason points out, motioning toward Tim’s suit. “Why waste the time? You’re capable of helping him yourself.” He’s hoping, smally, that the fraction of a compliment will boost Tim’s ego up just enough to send him out the door, and yet, Tim visibly deflates before him, tugging his mask off and coughing into the crook of his arm. 

“I shouldn’t be out.” 

“Because you look as if you took a deep dive in the Gotham River in the dead-ass middle of winter?” 

“And because I have the flu.” 

Jason frowns sharply, eyes flicking from one too-flushed cheek to the other. Without thinking fully, he crosses the room and slaps a palm to Tim’s forehead, finding him alarmingly hot to the touch despite the icy water dripping off him.

“You do remember that you’re kind of missing your spleen, right?” Jason questions lowly, stepping back to further assess Tim’s condition through gaze alone. 

Shuddering, Tim hugs himself tightly, eyes casting to the ground. “Dick asked me to come out and help. I told him it may not be a good idea because,” he pauses, turning to hack harshly into his fist, “well, that. But he insisted.” 

“He insisted,” Jason repeats darkly, eyes flashing a brief red. 

Tim meekly nods, swaying on his feet, and Jason growls in the back of his throat, guiding Tim to the bathroom. “Christ. Hot shower and change into something dry,” Jason spits out, already whipping toward his bedroom for his suit. He’s quick slipping it on, easy muscle memory, and he’s just slipped a few guns into the holsters at his sides when Tim clears his throat. 

“You’re going to help?”

“Apparently,” Jason grumbles, hands adjusting the clip of rubber bullets. “The last thing I want is you keeling over in my apartment and the big, bad, Bat blaming me for it. Plus, I now have a reason to rip Dick a new one for being a fucking idiot.” 

“Thanks,” Tim sighs, visibly relieved. “There’s a dock with a wooden boat house at Gotham River, east side.” 

“Got it,” Jason starts, pasuing, mask only pulled over his forehead. “Hang on,” he stops his quick movement toward the door, whipping around toward Tim. “Did you actually deep-dive in the Gotham River when it’s close to the negatives outside?” 

“Got dizzy,” Tim mutters, coughing. “I kind of fell.” 

“Fucking hell,” Jason curses, snagging the keys to his bike before stalking out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him.

***

“Do you have a plan?”

Jason works through a colorful string of hushed curses at the sudden sound of Tim’s rough voice in his ear, forgetting that he’s never actually disconnected his comm. 

“Yeah,” he whispers, eyeing the boat house from his corner cover behind a brick wall. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping or some shit?”

“I wanted to help you. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m borrowing your laptop so I can have eyes on multiple locations.” 

Jason’s working through a grunt that he doesn’t mind, but his brain wraps back around unspoken details. “I have my laptop password protected.” 

“’I am the Red Hood’ isn’t exactly a hard password to crack.”

Jason shakes his head, a huff slipping past his covered lips. “I’m moving far away from all of you after this,” he mutters, standing from his cover and approaching the boat house. 

“Hood, what’s the plan? You’re wide open right now.” 

“About that,” Jason draws out, stopping before the wooden door. He can hear multiple voices behind the rickety walls, Dick’s voice standing out loudly among the others. “I think I’ll just walk in, say a little hello.” 

Tim groans in his ear, muttering how he should have ignored logistics to find someone more competent, and Jason laughs lowly before kicking the door wide open, a sly smile curling against his covered lips as multiple men with guns whip toward the door, numerous barrels aimed right at him. 

Dick’s in the center of the room tied to a chair. His face is beginning to fade to blues and blacks, yet the look of pure, innocent surprise on his face completely contradicts the entire situation. 

“Hood?”

“I’d say long time no see,” Jason starts, one hand slowly moving to ghost above a gun at his waist, “but you’re a little hard to make out with all the swelling and bruising.” 

Dick rolls his eye that’s not swollen to hell, and Jason starts forward ignoring the rings of clicks that echo from every gun that’s pointed toward him. 

“Hey, aren’t you the Red Hood?” 

Jason cocks his head to the side, turning toward the voice. “Well, I do have a hood, and last I checked, it’s definitely red.” 

“Watch it, smartass. What business do you have with this one?” The man speaking, some gruff, bulky blond with distasteful tattoos littering his fingers, motions toward Dick with the barrel of his gun, and Jason tenses slightly, his hand now laying fully atop the gun at his waist. 

“Bird infestation,” Jason grumbles. “Gotta get this one to get rid of the other.” 

“Red Robin?” Dick calls out, jerking against the ropes that have his hands tied tightly behind the chair. “Is he okay?” 

“Jury’s still out on that one,” Jason mutters, and Tim crackles in his ears. 

“Hood, I don’t like these odds. I’m going to call for back up.” 

“No need, Replacement.” Jason drags a slow gaze back toward Dick, and though they disagree on 90% of things, they still, somehow, share this odd ability to communicate via look alone, and Dick gives a single nod to his silent question. “I have help.” 

“Jason-”

Jason slips both guns out from his holsters and stretches his arms out wide and open. “Let’s go, boys.” 

The next few seconds are loud, gun shots ringing out from every direction, and Jason feeds off the familair sound, adding into the mix with his rubber bullets that don’t miss. Dick, as he predicted, has broken the wooden chair he’s been tied to and has managed to wiggle his wrists free from the ropes. Jason covers him with one gun while targeting those running toward him with his other. 

The fight lasts a minute and forty-three seconds, with Jason and Dick ending on top, multiple unconsious men at their feet. 

“I’ve already notified Gotham PD,” Dick starts, rubbing at his wrists as he steps over a few bodies. “Where’s Tim? He was fighting outside, and one of these assholes broke my comm.” Dick’s tense, fear laced heavily in his voice, and Jason steadies his eyes into a sharp glare. 

“He’s back at my apartment, sick-” is all he manages out before Dick’s racing out of the boat house. “-as fuck, no thanks to you,” Jason finishes flatly to himself. He slips his bike keys from his pocket and starts out the door when he can hear sirens in the distance. 

***

Jason makes it back to his apartment a few seconds after Dick, and he’s making a very serious mental note to move far away when he slips through the open door to see Dick hovering over Tim, pressing a palm to his forehead, counting Tim’s pulse with his free hand. 

“Dick, I’m fine,” Tim whines, swatting at Dick’s hands, and Jason pulls his mask off and cocks his head to the side. 

“Spleenless, the flu is not ‘fine,’“ Jason gripes out, and Dick whips around to him, eyes wide, before dragging a quick gaze back to Tim.

“The flu? Tim, what the hell?” 

Frowning, Jason approaches the two, eyeing Tim dangerously. “You said he knew.” 

“I calculated a few scenarios,” Tim starts, coughing weakly. “I figured you’d be more likely to help Dick if you were pissed at him.” 

“What kind of fucking backwards logic-”

“-Dick!”

Jason’s unable to finish his thoughts when Dick drops to a knee in front of him, one hand curled tightly around his abdomen, his face pinched in pain. 

“Dick,” Tim presses again, shoving the laptop from his lap and leaning over the side of the couch to get a better look. “What’s wrong?” 

Jason’s seen some shit when it comes to this twisted family he can’t quite get out of, but he can truly say that he’s never seen Dick’s stoic composure crumble under the weight of injury, and his eyes grow wide all on their own, a lump building in his throat. 

“Nothing,” Dick grunts out around clenched teeth, his jaw a hard, sharp line, and Jason blinks around the muted grip of fear, groaning instead and pulling Dick to his feet despite Dick’s hiss of pain at his side. 

“Alright, Dickie Bird. Since my home is now apparently the house of the hurt and helpless, let’s look you over. One bird down in my apartment would be bad, but two? No fucking way.” 

He calls out for Tim to take some damn medicine as he drags Dick into the bathroom, pulling at Dick’s suit until the top half’s pulled down, revealing dark purple bruising littering Dick’s sides. 

“Your ribs?” Jason guesses, and Dick nods, swallowing back a moan of pain when Jason presses lightly on Dick’s sides. 

“Doesn’t seem broken, but we’ll wrap it just in case. I’m sure Alfred will personally kill me if I don’t.” Jason moves for his first aid kit, very much aware but choosing not to adress the hard eyes watching his every movement. 

“Jay-”

“I don’t want to hear it, D,” Jason says, snagging some large bandages he can wrap around Dick’s torso. 

“Thank you.” 

Jason groans loudly, crouching down to start wrapping Dick’s ribs. “I said I didn’t want to hear it. What’s up with you birds and your piss poor hearing?”

“I really didn’t know that Tim was sick. He seemed off, but he was insistent that we go and investigate the boat house. He said he had reason to believe they were smuggling drugs underneath the floorboards.” Dick hisses sharply when Jason tightens the bandages, promptly shutting him up. 

“I should have known that your mother hen instincts would have never let typhoid Timmy go out while sick.” 

Dick rolls his eyes around a wince, hand ghosting across the bandages when Jason stands up and backs away to critique his work. 

“Things just got a little out of hand.” 

“Clearly,” Jason says dryly, and Dick frowns deeply when he stands, the pain pulling at his sides hot and overwhelming. 

“I’ll call a cab-”

“-don’t,” Jason sighs loudly. “It’s late. You both can stay, but your asses are gone in the morning.”

The smile that spreads across Dick’s lips is blindingly familiar, and Jason finds he’s at ease with Dick’s boyish charm overcoming him once more. 

They slip out of the bathroom, and Jason starts to his room to get a change of clothes for Dick, pausing in the doorway to see Tim passed out on his bed, his breaths loud, congested. 

“I can move him to the couch,” Dick offers from behind him, and Jason only shakes his head silently, padding quietly into the room. “You both can sleep in here. He’s already infected my bed, anyway.” 

“You sure?” 

“Yes,” Jason sighs, only faintly aware of how many times he truly sighs whenever one of the damn birds is around. He shoves clean clothes into Dick’s arms before stalking around him to change his own clothes, maybe take a hot shower to chase away the lingering chill, and finally, hopefully, start his book. 

“Jay?” 

Jason stops, one foot already in the bathroom. “If you look at me with those stupid, puppy eyes and say ‘thank you’ one more fucking time, I’ll make sure your ribs actually break.” 

Dick smiles wide and holds a hand up in mock defense before he slips into the bedroom and nudges the door closed, and Jason shakes his head, his own breath of a smile flicking at the corners of his lips as he closes the door behind him. 

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales: The Treasure of the Lost Lamp Movie Reviewcap! (Patreon Stretch Goal)

Hello all you happy people! And we have a special review today for two reasons. The first is that this is my second patreon stretch goal review, having hit the 15 dollar goal back in march thanks to my wonderful friend Emma, the same patreon whose responsible for the Green Eggs and Ham Reviews,  who helped me hit the 15 dollar goal.  As a result you fine people are getting three movie reviews each based on a Disney Afternoon Movie with Treasure of the Lost Lamp today, a goofy movie at the end of the motnh for  a weeklong tribute to my favorite dogmandadguy.  Extremley was going to be part of it but the length of this review convinced me otherwise, but I will be doing it this summer so keep an ear out. If you want to help me hit my next stretch goals do yourselve a favor and zip on over to my patreon YOU CAN FIND MY PATREON HERE. My next stretch goal at “OH Look 20 Dollars” would give everyone patreon and not, a monthly review of Darkwing Duck as decided by my patrons, reviews of BOTH season 2 mini series from Ducktales 87, introducing Fenton to the world and blighting it with Bubba before the 2017 series fixed him, and as a brucey bonus added last month a review of Danny Phantom the Ultimate Enemy. And if that wasn’t enough if you help me get to the goal after that at 25 unlocks another trilogy of disney film reviews, this time for the proud family and recess movie and the best kim possible movie, and dcom period, so the drama as well as Bryan Lee O’ Malley’s two stand alone graphic novels, lost at sea and seconds for you Scottaholics in the audience.

The other reason now the shilling’s done. is that the plan WAS to review this back to back with Treasure of The Found Lamp, to the point the orginal review had a whole thing about that, why it was delayed etc... but now that review’s been scrapped all together as something sudden and wonderful happened. After just kinda giving up someone came through with a translation of Della’s first apperance so presumibly i’ll be doing that as part of the build up to mother’s day, and since I still want ot do maternal instincts too, and already had to let the Floyd Gottfredson birthday special slide away as well... it had to go as I want to leave the only open space on the schedule for the lovely person who found the story for me. But this review is still done, i’m very proud of it so join me under the cut won’t you?

Behind The Scenes: Before I get into it i’d just like to note this article from SyFy Wire. It , along with articles I found via wikipedia citations, was an invaluable resource. 

The film was an experiment: It was an experiment to see if one of their tv properties could bring in theatrical money, to see if a movie made on a cheaper budget and still rake in decent money, to see if a film could be made being outsourced to several diffrent places, and to see what one of those places, their recently aquiried french stuido, could handle this kind of work. 

The film, if succesful would be the first of Disney’s MovieToons line, a series of films based on their shows. As you can tell by the fact only this movie and Goof Troop happened and the Movie Toons label wasn’t applied to that one it very much failed. While the film was warmly recevied by people who liked the show general audiences didn’t turn out for it. As a result the MovieToons label was scrapped, future projects with it were canceled.. but the stellar work put in by the french stuidio lead to it perserviering for several more decades and lead to them working on the Goofy Movie, which we’ll get to later this month but needless to say was a MUCH bigger hit with a much bigger budget. 

As for why the film failed... I have two theories. THe first is that parents were stupid back then and didn’t want to pay to see something on the big screen they could see on tv’s. This is a stupid mentality to me as generally a movie of a tv show puts in a ton of extra effort and usually goes bigger and dosen’t go home. It’s a likely theory given most liscened films of the era didn’t do quite well, with all three hasbro films tanking. And look I get Transformers the Movie is cheesy and killed a lot of people’s childhood toys, but damn if it ain’t aweosme.. and also something I need to cover at some point. Thankfully this died out by later in the 90′s with Rugrats getting a hugely succesful if flawed film, a better sequel and a third one that was also a crossover with the wild thornberries. 

And even now in 2020 we’re getting the Loud House and Rise of the TMNT movies sometimes this summer, we were SUPPOSED to have gotten the bobs burgers movie this summer but arne’t because Disney is being a dick about it.

And we got a phineas and ferb movie last year. With this trend hopefully thsi means we’ll get a Ducktales 2017 movie at some point since season 4 left a huge sequel hook laying right there to grab for a feature film.  One final note: The film was conceptually thought up as a 5 part serial like “Treasure of the Golden Suns”, “Catch as Cash Can”, “SuperDucktales” and “Time is Money, something that DOES show as the movie weirdly has act breaks. In a feature film. Yup. 

The Guest Cast:

I won’t go into the full cast since I’ve sung Alan Young and Russi Taylor’s praises PLENTY on this blog before, and I plan to go into Beakly and Launchpad’s actors when they show up in the pilot movie. But i’d be remiss if i didn’t talk about our three guest actors for our three new parts. 

First up is Merlock voiced by legend and if I had a hall of fame, hall of famer Christopher Lloyd.. I need to get me one of those. Lloyd is of course known for playing Doc Brown in back to the future but has done countless other films, voicework, and other good stuff. Among his MASSIVE filmography includes The Back to the Future Trilogy (Already mentioned it but it bears repeating), Star Trek III, Who Framed Roger Rabbit as the pants destroyingly terrifying Judge Doom, The Addams Family duology as fester, a role rip torn would ironcially play for the animated series made to captalize on said movie, Hey Arnold! The Movie, The Oogieloves in The Big Ballon Adventure (Look everybody needs money sometimes okay?), and Art of the Deal: The Movie, which was not, thankfully an ego filating nightmare made by trump himself but a film made by funny or die parodying his terrible book and having Llloyd return as Doc Brown. TV Wise he’s known for Taxi, Back to the Future the Animated Series, Cyberchase and he most recently popped up on Big City Greens. How I missed that ep I.. do know as I haven’t watched season 2. Gonna fix that later this month. Lloyd is utterly awesome, a great guy and thankfully still alive at the time of this writing, so I was happy to have him here. 

Less familiar to me but still known is Rip Taylor, a comedian known for his flamboyant unique way of speech and his marvelous mustache. He showed up in things occasionally and always seemed like the nicest guy and his passing in late 2019 truly is sad. He does a terrific job here but more on that in a moment. 

Finally we have Richard Libertini, a comedian I never really saw in anything besides this who according to IMDB was most famous for his ablility to do a foreign accent. I REALLY hope all of them aren’t as horribly racist as this one. We’ll.. get to that in a sec as it’s time for the plot!

A Treasure Uncovered:

We open our film gorgeously. The animation is great in the film, having some rough edges I chalk up to the film’s hectic production, the studio being new at working at disney properties, and the film not being meant for HD. That being said a few rough spots here and there aside.. the film looks ungodly gorgeous. Like most theatrical films based on a cartoon it takes an already great style and makes it look great. It feels like a more fluid evolution of the cartoons look and it’s a shame we didn’t get more movies in this style for both this show and others, ESPECIALLY Darkwing Duck. Can you imagine a Darkwing Duck movie with this lush animation? Hopefully we’ll get one eventually. 

So our heroes are going to somewhere in the Middle East. That’s.. that’s all wikipedia gives me and all the film gives me. As usual Scrooge is after treasure in this case the Treasure of Collie Baba, the greatest thief there ever was based obviously off Ali Baba from 1001 nights and that one Beastie Boys song. 

It’s here we find the WORST thing about the film, the thing that makes this a hard one to watch depsite otherwise being pretty good, and that makes my skin crawl knowing i’m a white man and a BUNCH of white guys, Ducktales series creator who did the voice casting for this character, the writers who wrote him, the direector disney them fucking selves who thought this was okay. 

The film has some horrible steroytping. It starts with a bunch of backgorund guys surronding Scrooge, with crooked teeth and steotypical voices. This on it’s own is odious. 

It somehow gets worse. Then we meet one of our antagonists. We meet Dijon. 

This Fucking Guy 

Djon is horribly offensive reminding me of other such luminaries in being ungodly offensive yet somehow getting put to film as Jar Jar Binks (With all respeect to his poor actor Ahmed Best, this is not his fault), Rob Schinder as a Sterotypically asian preist, Skids and Mudflap, Rob Schinder as a sterotypically mexican bandit, The Whitewashed cast of The Last Airbender, and Rob Schinder as a stereotypically asian preist. What i’m saying is Djon is an AWFUL, horribly offensive character.. and that Rob Schinder should be shot up into space, not to watch cheesy movies, he’s not funny enough for that, but instead to be sent to a satlitie that’s liveable, but also filled to the brim with spring loaded boxing gloves. Just tons of boxing gloves that feel like getting punched by a heavewight boxer all hidden... they could hit his legs, his face, his nuts, his face and his nuts, the point is he’s in constnat pain unless he moves carefully. 

And lest you think i’m exaggerating for starters this is his design. 

It just screams “vaugely but sterotpyically middle eastern” along with cowardly. The fact he’s also a literal rat is just the icing on the cake made of broken glass, shrapnel and broken DVD’s of Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen. They say if you eat a reveng eof the fallen dvd John Tutoro appears at the foot of your bed and watches you while you sleep.. and by they I mean me. It was a bad bet. I got rid of him with some insese and a bribe of five dollars. 

Oh but that’s just design.. when he talks it’s MUCH worse. His voice is like if they took Apu from the simpsons and said “This but MORE offensive”, and his perosnality is WORSE. He’s a thief.. and not in the endearing loveable rogue way but he’s a pick pocket and a running “Gag’ is that he’ll often grab eveyrthing within reahc. As the deisgn shows he’s a coward running at every opportunity. Oh and to top it all off he’s the willing servant of the white coded, given all ducks in this series are white coded and voiced bby white actors, big bad. And the actor is naturally VERY white to make this cocktail of offensivness so complete that if Disney ever got rid of this film I GUARANTEE the republcian party would be running in with accusations of cancel culture gone amok and never shutting up about this like they did the muppets. Which for the record THEY DIDN’T CANCEL THEM, YOUR POINT IS ILLEGITMATE, THEY JUST WANTED TO BE SENSTIVE YOU GHOULS. 

I do have a reason for bringing up Disney’s content warnings... most damming of all given just how DEEPLY uncomfortbale this character is.. there isn’t one for this movie. I double checked: There isn’t even wanring notes on the website. It’s just.. on there. And given just how ghastly a sterotype Djon is.. that’s not right. Seriously they DID put them on certain episodes of the show, theyk now this sort of thing is wrong and they done wrong.. but for NO reason they haven’t done so for a film released 31 years ago. Around the same time as the series and just offensive as that show at it’s worst if not more so. This is flatly inexcusable.. par for the course for Disney’s incompetence but still horribly furstrating, disgusting and shameful.. which has been the theme of the last three days really. I expect better because when it comes to putting that warning label on this stuff, they usually are better. First the scheduling mixup and now this. You already do a handful of things wrong Disney why add this to the list?!

It’s just draining not only to run into another Disney Fuckup after a weekend of dealing with one of their worst in recent memory, but just to watch Djon. To see this horrible caractrure saunter onto the screen and go on with his harmful schtick, to see that THIS is what Ducktales 87 reduced non white people to more often than not.  It’s remarkable just how throughly and awesomely Frank and Matt completely and totally reversed this. Instead of horrible sterotypes in the reboot, we got TONS of loveable people of color, an endearing latino hero, a smart african american buisness woman who takes no shit but is still a consumate professional, and an egyptian HERO with an intresting story and a strong moral code instead of this horrible reminder that racisim in media was such an afterthought not ONE person brought this up during the scyfy wire stuff or in any inteview i’ve seen. No one cared. Djon was POPULAR enough that he got three episode sin the series. THREE FUCKING EPISODES. This film could be GOOD.. but it’s just so bogged down EVERY FUCKING TIME this artists interpreitation of what Tucker Carlson sees when he looks at a middle eastern person I had to pause to compose myself and had to take a break writing this review to avoid tyiping this in all caps and using the phrase YOU RACIST MOTHERFUCKERS every other sentence. And again i’m white, I get this is second hand offensiveness.. I do... but it dosen’t mean I can’t be offended other white people were so callous about other cultures behaviors this happened.

And what makes me feel worse.. is that I just sorta... never thought about white people voicing non white characters. Things like this I noticed sure, I realize now part of the reason I didn’t like this movie the first time I saw it was this alex jones version of a looney tune, but I do feel shame for not noticing or caring long before this. Sure I loved it when a character of color got played by a person of color.. but I didn’t realize just how deep that problem was and how LONG it went on for before the outcry post george floyd and the call to action lead to most shows still going course correcting. It’s why stuff like this extra botehrs me: because THIS was just as okay at the time. No one blinked twice about this and odds are the creators involved still haven’t. And that.. that’s just terrible and it hurts to think about and  I still have most of the movie to go.  

The Pyramid of Peril:

So we do get a gorgeous unvewling scene of a box Scrooge found out about from Collie Baba’s horde that should lead them to the treasure. This scene reminds me of Indina Jones.. and I bring this up because the poster was specifically made to mimick an indinia jones poster, to the point of getting drew struzan to do it. THe creator of Ducktales objected..l but I do not get WHY. While I”m not sure if he had yet, Speilberg flat out admits the Carl Barks comics were an inspiration for Indina Jones, with the iconic bolder chase coming from a similar scene in one of Barks Stories. Gotta cover that too. So yeah I don’t get not wanting an indina jones style poster when both were inspiried by the same work and it’s just simple logic and it looks so neat. Thank you. 

Scrooge finds seemingly just clothes.. and a map. Jeff Dunham’s Most Racist Puppet reports to his master, Merlock. Merlock is a.. meh villian. Christopher Lloyd does try.. but Lock is your standard evil overlord wants to take over the world type. He dosen’t have much depth, or personality and only his style saves him from dragging the film down along with Dana Carvey’s most racist disguise in master of disguise. He does have a deent shape shifting gimick and being played by Christopher Lloyd means he’s acted TREMENDOUSLY. Alan Young was apparently in awe watching him work and that’s wonderful to hear. The guy did his best. Weirdly Merlock would show up in tons of other works, mostly video games.. but even weirder he NEVER showed up in ducktales 2017. Both Djon and Gene would, Djon thankfully renamed we’ll get to all of that tommorow thank god. I need it after this. But Frank has outright said they didn’t use Merlock because there simply wasn’t anything they could do with him they couldn’t dow ith magica. My likely guess is the might of found a way to revamp him EVENTUALLY, it’s not like radical revamps weren’t there thing come on, they just had way more stories with Magica and didnd’t get around to it before the show was canceled. Just make him some sort of evil god or something. it’s what I might do. There’s a lot of angles with him. Though I would’ve still gotten christopher lloyd back. I mean most of the recasting is good but he’s still alive and deserved a better shot at things. 

So Merlock sends Djonn to go with scrooge as his guide to find the treasure, as there’s something of imense power within it. And I gotta ask WHY does Merlock need a minon. No really. This isn’t a situation like reboot magica where he’s trapped in another realm. He can shapeshift into any animal. We only see him use falcon, rat, cockroach and bear but theoritically he can become anything and bear alone is still a LOT. Why does he need this sterotype even other sterytopes ar eashamed of? The film dosen’t NEED Djonn. Just let Christopher Lloyd monologue and leave this post 911 propogranda cartoon at home. 

So our heroes nad rejected jar jar prototype head into the desert, and seemingly find nothing before finding a small pyramid all while Merlock follows desecretley as a mighty hawk. 

Scrooge makes the boys and Djon dig... because they clearly forgot the “work hard” part of his ethos. 

Our heroes unveil the pyramid... and while Merlock SAYS he searched the desert and I get it’s hard to see thourgh all of that.. the dude is immortal, had decades to search and had Mickey Rooney there on standby to force him to go comb the desert. I have an artist rendering of that hang on

So our heroes enter the pyramid and it goes.. really how you’d expect: there’s a bunch of traps our brave explorers have to pass, the boys minintpret a juinor woodchuck saying about loosing your marbles to mean using the ones they actually have which geninely comes in handy as they trip the traps and Rob SChinder as a carrot stumbles into one. Also launchpad is wearing a hawaiin shirt and shades. This has no baring on the plot, but it does bring the movie up a notch in my book and I question why the reboot never used this outfit. Then again they also never properly used Donald’s Quack Pack Outfit (Which bad show or not, is objectively awesome), or his Quack Shot Indiana Jones Riff Outfit, so  it’s not like there isn’t a presdecnt for not giving a character a cool costume change from a previous medium. I really should do a top 12 missed opportunities list for the 2017 cartoon.. the ideas for stuff are really piling up. 

OUr heroes eventually find the treasure which has insidiously clever security the more I think about it: at first I thought it had none, just a pit with some... scorpions? I mean their supposed to be but they look like they crawled out of the same stygian hole in the sky Doofus crawled out of. And if your asking me “wait which Doofus” the answer is both. Both these abominations crawled out of a stygian hole in the sky.

But the treasure is on a platform surrounded by scoprions with the only way out being the trap filled way they came in. Unless someone comes in with a full team and a bunch of lootin sacks, they aren’t getting out with EVERYTHING. They can steal SOME of the treasure but there’s no way to get any signifigant portion... and the team thing itself is an issue, something Collie defintely predicted being a thief himself: while some thieves can work well as a team, hence why we have four oceans movies 3/4 damn good, and for the record 12 is the bad one, 8 is how you do a soft reboot and a female led reboot right, a good chunk of professional crooks will turn on each other or try and swinldle... and tha’ts dangerous in a trap filled temple but hey some criminals ain’t so smart.  If they all were Rudy Gulliani wouldn’t have two razzies for preparing to pull his pants down, and have waved his phone around on tv like a dare for future adminstrations to arrest the shit out of him would he? 

But Scrooge has his family so they get loading. But not before Webby finds the lamp. Not knowing about it Scrooge has no intrest in it, but Webby does. We also get a really simple but hilarious gag where SCrooge dickers over the idea for a second.. before Webby picks up a Jeweled tiara to possibly take instead. The best gags to me are often the ones that just let the character’s perosnalities take the lead and bounce off each other. It’s why when I reviewed the four lilo and stitch crossovers recently I harped on character interaction as their biggest weakness: it’s what MAKES a good work for me. It’s why my faviorite comics and shows often follow a loveable group of disfunctional misfits. I like a group of big personalities who despite in theory should NOT be able to work making it work anyway. And it’s honeslty what’s made Scrooge last so long: Scrooge on his OWN is awesome.. but iwth the boys, donald, and in the case of this series and the reivival Webby and Launchpad, with people to bounce off of who he contrasts heavily with, from Launchapd’s buffonery to Webby’s inehrent sweetness in both versions, to the boys genuine honesty and sense of adventure.... it makes him truly stand out. He’s a great character on his own, don’t get me wrong.. but it’s the people around him that give him chances to show WHY. A good character on it’s own is fine and dandy.. a good character with other good characters around them is where it gets truly special. 

Merlock naturally bursts in and in a VERY Black Heron move needlesly outs what micheal bay sees when he closes his eyes as a bad guy... no really he grabs the guy with his talons as he captures the treasure and reveals he’s a bad guy. I don’t even get why keep Djonn alive. He’s done all Merlock possibly could’ve needed and Merlock is ruthless... this makes no sense and only happens because they need Djonn for later in the plot.

Our heroes barely escape, rafting out on the platform itself in a thrilling sequence.. but it’s the one right after that catches my attention. Scrooge utterly defeated, having searched for this treasure for forty years and unresponsive to everyone else. The anmation, coupled with the incomprable Alan young’s acting makes this the highlight of the film for me. Beneath the armor of wealth and skill.. is only a poor old man who just lost something he’s been chasing after most of his life. Scrooge tries his hardest not to be vunerable and both shows and the original comics all use that so when he truly is devistated like this, and i’ts belivible since this treasure is a personal goal of his and as someone who has had things that they seek out specifically, loosing them always hurts. It hurts to ALMOST reach a goal only to have it crumble out under you

But while this alone is good.. what’s next makes it great. Webby sweetly offers up the lamp. Scrooge turns it down, and her genuine gesture reinvgorates him and reminds us of who he is “I’ll find it if it takes another 40 years”> Scrooge may be bitter, mean and selfish a lot of the time.. but deep down, he’s a good man and one who will not give up, and a momentary setback can only stop him so long as long as he has his family to remind him of who he truly is.. and what’s truly important. It’s genuinely sweet and to me is also a reminder of why 87 Webby is a good character: Shes’ not perfect, her main personality trait is often Girl Sterotype”.. but she’s a genuinely sweet small child with a huge heart. It’s telling that while 17′ Webby is almost completely diffren,t and far better, that heart remains her biggest strength. Sure her reboot self could kill a man nad no one would ever find the body, but it’s her heart and empathy that makes that possible and makes her Webby.  That inherent loving nature is what makes Webby webby wether she’s a toddler having a tea party or a tween getting ready to intergoate a guy with a meat tenderizer while saying ‘Cute girl stuff”. 

Gene Genie Let’s Himself Go:

It’s a few days later and this is the point where it REALLY becomes obvious this was written as a bunch of episodes. Though to the film’s credit while it does ake this feel like a compliation movie as a result... it dosen’t hamper the film’s quality, condiment from Rush Limbaghs’ hot dog stand does that just fine, but once you notice it it’s impossible to unotice it. Weirdly though it seems chunked up into four episodes rather than the usual five, likely cutting down an episode, though I can’t see where they cut out material frankly if they did and i’ts just as likely they woudl’ve had to make one to fill in the space.

So Scrooge is in a mood, being grumpy with his secretary Mrs. Featherly, quackfaster in all but name, and having to be sent home. So while Duckworth goes to fetch him Webby polishes her treasure at long last readying for a tea party, something the boys roundly reject because their sexist little twits and swo were the writers or executies who assumed all little boys act the same. It’s easily my biggest pet peeve with the series as a whole: anytime this crops up with the boys it turns them into the worst dicks imaginable. It’s telling this, being mean about her wantin ga tea party with her surrogate brothersi s TAME. Normally they’ll say she can’t do things because she’s a girl or mock her hobies outright instead of just be mildly dickish. And while she dosen’t look much younger Webby is VERY CLEARLY, in this series anyway, supposed to be say 5 or 6 to the boys 8-10. 7 at most. SHe’s a small child and while it is realistic for older kids to bully younger ones, it’s not fun to watch. It’s why I get annoyed at all the big sibling bully characters.. some work, but most aren’t fun to watch because there’s nothing funny or intresting about it. It’s the same deal here. 

Thankfully that quickly goes away as the lamp moves when Webby rubs it and does so again to prove it did move. Huey finishes it and we’re introduced to Gene, the best part of the film.  Gene is a Genie and he takes a second to dart around before messing with the appliances in the kitchen, as he was last around during the time 1001 Nights Came About. Cleverly though, and so we thankfully don’t have 80 dozen fishout of water jokes that have already been done before. As you can probably guess i’m not a huge fan of time travel fish out of water stuff. Now from another dimensoin or planet, i’m on board with with Star Vs, Steven Universe and Sym-Bionic Titan being great examples of this, as is the comic resident alien. (Despite having the wonderous Alan Tuduk the show sounds way more mean spirited and misses the entire point of the comic as given by the author in the credits, i.e. that the alien is supposed to NOT be a threat and just be gently waiting for a ride) The inverse is also good with Amphbia and owl house, taking a human and plopping them into our world. But time travel stuff just usually runs the same beats of “look at the shiny thing” and what not. The only time i’ve sene something SIMILAR work is with thor where their society is SIMILAR to vikings time but still it’s own thing.. it also gave us a classic gag in..

So yeah i’m glad they dropped this and instead had a clever way around it: Gene reads the encylopedia at the mansion. Granted it’s Scrooge so I don’t know how current it is and given this came out in 1990 thus HOW racist it is. It’s not a questoin of IF it was, but how much.

But having caught up the kids confront him with the fact he has to grant wishes. This lamp runs on what I now realize are Aladdin rules: Whoever currently holds the Lamp is the Genie’s master, they only get three wishes, and that dosen’t reset if it changes hands. The only big diffrence from the usual is Gene dosen’t have to TELL them about the wishes like Genie did, and Gene very begrudginly agrees to it. He also seem’s phsyically pained when doing so. 

So since all 12 know about him, each of the kids gets a wish though it seems unfair with HDL. Their one person, they shoudln’t get 9 wishes just because their brain is spread out over three bodies. 

This film continues the weird simliarties to Aladdin by attaching rules though they instead come up as a result of our heroes talking rather than the Genie just flat out tleling them: both share the “you can’t wish for more wishes” thing, a common rule in these stories and usually only broken nowadays as a clever twist as the rule is SO common place, not having it is a twist. But it is there for a reason: to limit the sheer power of a reality warping wish. The wishes can also only go so far. In a nice line, when Huey, Dewey or Louie suggests wishing for peace one earth, Gene says “No pipe dreams’ He can’t bend people or reality on THAT scale. He can bend reality as we find out, but it’s smaller scales like turning someone’s possesions over ot someone else, warping the bin into a castle, or bringing inanitamte objects to limited life. Still HUGE feats worth of a genie, so Gene’s power isn’t so nerfed it’s unusuable, but it does explain why his evil pervious ownder Merlock, more ont hat in a bit too, didn’t just wish to have eternal dominon over the earth or something. Gene can do just about anything but he can’t change the world on a fundemental level. 

And I do LIKE having rules in wished based stories like this, I chalk it up to growing up with Fairly Odd Parents... though they eventually went too far in the oppsoitie direction, pulling rules out of their ass to suit the episode, instead of simply having some very standard, very understandable rules that still pose challenges but don’t outright cheat so the episode can happen. 

So Webby does her first wish.. and wishes for a Baby Elephant, something Gene is against as he prefers they keep the wishes small: otherwise he gets found out, and the fight over him begins. So one of the boys wishes him away. Or Webby does. Point is it’s gone though not before Beakly sees it and Scrooge smells something is up. Our heroes try to hide gene, but gene thankfully simply dresses up like a modern kid and thus is able to pass as a friend of there staying for the night. 

So with the rules established and what not the kids find a clever solution: they simply go a ways away from the mansion into the woods, far enough from town to avoid any suspcion, and same iwth the mansion and just wish for all kinds of stuff: a giant bunch of ice cream toys, standard kid wish fufillment but it’s nice... in part because the kids treat Gene like one of them. Wihle they STARTED asking him about the wishes, this starts the bonding process. Soon he will be part of the hive mind.. SOON. 

Until then though after using another wish to make scrooge not mad at them for coming home late and missing dinner, that night we find out Gene’s backstory.... and it’s an utter tearjerker. As it turns out Merlock wants him back because he’s Gene’s former master and as you’d guess.. it was NOT a happy existnace, used contstnatly to do horrible things with no power to stop himself. Pompeii and Atlantis were both directly Merlock’s fault and it was only Collie Baba stealing the lamp that put an end to his hell. He also answers the two obvious questions botht he audeiince and the boys have: How the hell is Merlock still alive and shoudln’t he be out of wishes then? The first is simple. Unlike pretty much every DBZ Villian whose WANTED to do so, Merlock wished for immortality first chance he got, taking the Zamasu route instead and thus leaving him free. 

As for the wishes thing it turns out his amulet, in adition to shapeshifting, also gives him extra wishes becuase fuck it. 

But the boys sweetly offer to protect him. 

The next day, Apu’s Cousin let’s Merlock know the maps in the mansion and Merlock has him help sneak in with Merlock taking rat form. This backfires as Mrs. Beakley notices the form and chases after him with a broom

Meanwhile Webby has her tea party with Gene after he and the boys played cops and robbers earlier, and he’s bored.. though nicely not because it’s a girly thing, but because the stuffed animals aren’t alive and she naively has him fix that. This leads to 

Which sadly is jsut scrooge vs a duck toy but admit it, you want that movie for Disney Plus yesterday. Call Charles Band Disney. CALL CHARLES BAND! 

Whelp Scrooge Still Sucks:

Scrooge takes for a turn for the obnoxious in the next part, but i’ts fine by me as it’s part of the plot. Naturally this reinactment of Cult of Chucky has lead to Scrooge finding out about the Genie. To his credit, Scrooge is tactical about his wishes. As said by the Duck himself “I could wish for a diamond, no the world’s biggest dimaond, no ten world’s biggest diamond, no a diamond mind, no the MINING INDUSTRY!”

The sheer power this gives him is TERRIFYING, both because of his status.. and because unlike the kids who all wished for simple kid stuff and used up their wishes quickly, he both gets how much he can do with this and could conquer the world economy if he truly wanted to. 

The obnoxious part comes in as he treats Gene as not a person, figuring he’s just there and forces him into the lamp despite the kids protests after Gene grants his first wish: Collie Baba’s treasure. It also dosen’t feel like the wishing nor him using the lamp to get the tresure back goes against his hard work ethos: for the former while he is getting all this magically, he’s still having ot use his wits to get the most out of it, and he did earn the lamp itself square. For the latter, he already earned the treasure square too and had it stolen. He’s onlyg etting back what’s by all rights HIS. Granted he plans on giving most of it up for a tax break but still it’s his by right. 

However the reason his assholery works is twofold: first it’s Scrooge. While he’s not a TERRIBLE person, in the comcis and this cartoon he isn’t a GOOD person either. He DOES have a good heart and will usually do the right thing, but his first instnct is always to get more money and to be a cantakerous old bastard to eveyrone and everything. While he’s subtly grew out of “I hate eveyrone and everyone hates me” as his guiding principal, it’s still his defualt reaction to most situations. But he first relents by letting Gene attend the party, part of why the Collie Baba thing stung so bad was that he’s told the historical society he’d get the treasure for years only to come back empty handed, if shrunken. But he still manages to have a good time while Asok and Merlock infiltrate.. well I’mRunningOutofINsultingNIcknamesCanYouTell steals the silverware. Yes... that.. that really happens. 

Look we’re almost done, i’m almost free of this racist mummies curse. Let’s continue. Gene sees melock and freaks and drags SCrooge with him and while at First Scrooge is cranky...

No but now I want a Donkey Kong Country crossover too dammmit. And to talk about those games. Another thing for the list. But Scrooge is righ tot be a bit surly...

Okay now your just pushing it. As Gene whisked him away without telling him anything other than vauge worries... but then he gets a full idea of why Gene’s so terrified when Merlock shapeshifts into a bear and starts breaking the door down. Eh, could be worse. 

Gene shrinks them to escape and Merlock leaves thinking they fled but leaves Skids Minus Mudflap to go look for them. Scrooge sneaks out but bumps into a cart running from the photo you see when you look up stereotype on google. I mean I assume.. let’s try it. 

Huh you know I HOPED but I never expected... 

So Google Proving My Point plans to give his lamp to the master because of his weird Torgo-Esque obession with helping a man who clearly wants to murder him but takes his sweet time doing so because plot, and Gene figuring this COULDN’T POSSIBLY go as bad as Melock getting him urges the dummy to keep him and make his own wishes.

This goes about as well as you’d expect....

Wiped Out With A Wish:

Scrooge returns home to find Watto has wished to take his poessions, fortune, everything and Scrooge gets thrown in jail for breaking into his own house. We get two great moments back to back. The first is Scrooge lamenting loosing his fortune in jail, and realizing the sheer power and risk of the lamp, especially since he worked hard to earn it, every bit of it.. and Sam Wilson’s 70′s Backstory came in and took it all in an instant. 

The second is Scrooge’s family coming for him, including Launchpad , Beakly and Webby obviously and bailing him out. Though Beakly is UNGOLDLY annoying in this scene, sobbing hysterically and adding nothing and it’s not nearly as funny as the  film thinks. Turns out Goliath getting buried wrapped in chains threw them out. 

Scrooge takes a bit to rebound from all this.. but eventually realizes something: he knows the security of the bin inside and out. He had it put in after all. So it’d be easy enough to break in. So they gotta break in to break out the lamp, undo this nightmare, and END THIS MOVIE. Seriously this review has taken two days  as is I do NOT want to miss my invincible review. 

So they break into the bin, and it’s a tightly paced Scene, scrooge going in one way while the kids go the other and we even get a nice callback as the marbels come in handy to get past one of the traps. It’s just a good scene. it’s only real flaw is that Launchapd just sorta disappears as does Duckworth despite the fact their in a plane, and the bin later gets turned into a floating castle. Kinda a plot hole to not have Launchpad crash in to save htem just saying. 

Scrooge eventually does get to Djonn, whose been ignoring the imminent threat of Merlock while Gene sweats it out... and this backfires horribly as Merlock hitched a ride as a roach (Though there was a hilarious scene of him getting fried constnatly by lasers when Louie went through a laser hallway, as while Louie had the directions, it dind’t take into account passengers on your head. 

So Merlock remanifests in full gets the Lamp and unleashes his wrath on Tin Tin in the Congo and turns him into a wild pig. 

Not you sweetie. He then forces Gene to turn the castle into a fortress and float it back to his home in parts unknown. It’s a DAMN cool scene with impressive and horrifiing animation as the bin melts and crumbles into thte castle and the kids barely make it up the stares as they shift and disolve. Really top notch stuff.

Scrooge stands up to Merlock... and this naturally goes poorlyw ith Gene begging Merlock not to respond.. and Merlock having him blow scrooge off the top of the forgtess storm eagle style, though scrooge understands. And this is the true reason why scrooge being a dick didn’t bother me so much. Because it helps create a great contrast between him and Merlock. Both thought of Gene as a tool rather than a person.. but Scrooge grew to realize he was wrong and what he was dealing with wasn’t some magical goodies creator.. but a child forced to constantly grant wishes, in sheer agony to do so no less, likely so sick of it because again and again and again people used him as a slave to get what they wanted and to hell with what Gene wanted. He realized he was terrible for making this poor boy into his slave simply because that’s his job. In contrast Merlock could give no shits and is a malevolent monster who glefully uses Gene despite the pain the wishes put him through and his protests. It’s why Gene is the best part.. he’s  athroughly likeable, throughly inncoent character with tons of personality and a truly tragic and horrifying backstory and Rip Taylor acts the hell out of every scene with the guy. 

Thankfully the marbles come in handy one last time and Huey, Dewey or Louie snipes the lamp away and a struggle for it insues between Scrooge and Merloc mid air. it’s fucking awesome.. and it get sbetter in how scroogewins. He simply gets rid of Merlock’s amulet, taking it then throwing it. Grante dhe COULD’EVE used it for unimited wishes.. but it was too risky to do that and as we’ll see in the ending , Scrooge realized the Lamp was too powerful to keep around for much longer and too much of a tempting target for his rogues.. not that we see them this movie as the crew wanted it to bea ccesaible and thus kept hte cast to the main cast from season 1 and just made new vilians and a new supporting character, but still. 

He does use his second wish though to undue the damage Merlock had done and the bin and clan mcduck are returned to duckburg in good condition.

Time for our ending, which is genuinely and wholly touching. With the lamp too dangerous to use Scrooge considers just sending it to the earth’s core, which horrifies the kids as it’d mean Gene would be trapped there forever... if the molten lava iddn’t just outright destory the lamp and probably kill him. But Scrooge.. isn’t the bastard he likes to potray himself as. Instead he makes Gene into a real boy. He gives the poor kid HIS wish, which designrates the lamp and undoes all the spells... so Merlock is PROBABLY dead but he does return for some games so maybe not? 

And so we end on two things: Gene happily playing cops and robbers with the boys finally free.. and Birth of A Nation grabbing all the loot he can in his patns and running off. Ha ha ha thank god i’m done with this prick. And no I will not be looking at his ducktales episodes unless I have to. 

Final Thoughts:

This movie is OKAY. It has a solid plot, gene is a wonderful chacter, the animatoin is pretty prettay pretty good, and the voice acting as usual is excellent, with Rip Taylor being the standout. 

But as my paragraphs of rage shoud’ve made Clear Djonn is just BAD. Easily the worst character i’ve encountered in my year of reviewing and some of the worst writing i’ve ran into. And that writing includes a goblin man voyerstically forcing two teenagers to make out, making jokes about santa renaming himself Clem the sceneafter he tearfully confessed to letting the elves and ms. claus die, accidental transphobia via the u-men, and Bryan Lee O malley thinking we needed more than one volume of Julie Powers being around.  This was disgusting, even by 1990 standards and especially by 2021 standards and it drags the film down considerably. Without it the film is okay.. with it the film is just VERY hard to watch any time he pops up.  He made getting through the movie a nightmare and while I pause a lot becaue it’s a bad habbit I did so more simply because as I said earlier in the review I could not stand him. 

It makes it a hard film to recommend. If you can stomach the racisim, then it might be worth it, but be aware of what your putting up with going in. But if you can’t.. there’s no shame in that, it’s carbombya levels of bad. Which yes was a real fictoinal country. It was so bad Casey Casem quit transformers over it. True story. So yeah, it’s an okay film, on par with the series at it’s best for the most part.. but Djonn just spoils it for me. 

If you liked this review, like it, share it around that sort of thing and if you want MORE disney movie reviews, in addiiton to the goofy movie one later this month, if you help me hit my 25 dollar stretch goal on patroen.com/popculturebuffet, i’ll do reviews of the Recess, Proud Family and Kim Possible MOvies (Well so the drama anyway), so help me out would you and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.

[thatcartoonnetworkblog]

Comic Review: Cartoon Network Presents #6

I said I was gonna do this, so let’s get this rolling!

Okay, so Cartoon Network Presents was among the first lineup of DC’s CN comics, alongside their Scooby-Doo book and The Flintstones and the Jetsons. Those are pretty self-explanatory, but CN Presents was meant to be a grab bag of the rest of their lineup, featuring favorites from the vast Hanna-Barbera library as well as some of their recent hits. At this point, I believe they were just doing Dexter’s Lab and Cow & Chicken, as Johnny Bravo’s first season was more or less written off as a failure at the time. But don’t worry, Johnny will have his day.

Okay, so confession time- this story is not new to me. Way back when, DC released a freebie comic which had stories from each of their three CN titles, and this was featured in there, alongside a short Scooby story where a stalker keeps on doning a costume to get closer to Daphne, and a Jetsons story where George is replaced by a robot version of himself. Needless to say, some serious memories came crawling back to me when I saw the cover.

Anyway, both of the stories featured in this issue are done by regulars in the comic industry, and I’ll bring up how apparent that is in a bit,

That said, I can see this story actually fit in an episode of Cow & Chicken, as it’s a cautionary tale that doesn’t go in the usual direction you’d expect, like many of David Feiss’ cartoons tend to do things. This starts off with Chicken littering, which goes against what his and Cow’s teacher taught them in school. Chicken, as per usual, is apathetic to his loud teacher’s learnings, but he changes his tune when Cow mentions that bringing in metal can bring you some change,

Needless to say, Chicken has some ideas, and he starts scourging around town. There’s a slight detour when he learns that you only receive payments from going to the trash collector directly, but it gives him incentive to have Flem and Earl help him out.

Alongside a dubious reading of Malcolm X’s philosophy.

The three of them find enough metal to hopefully make them a little richer, and they’re greeted at the trash heep by a weird looking Cerberus creature, and guess who they belong to!

Yeah, it’s the Red Guy. It’s not a Cow & Chicken segment without him, is it? 

I had a better screenshot of his appearance, but it came out weird and I don’t feel like taking another, so let’s skip to this part where Chicken is caught cheating the scale, and is about to be rightfully punished along with Flem and Earl. Not by death, but by filling up the Red Guy’s furnace, which is actually pretty fair.

But have no fear, Supercow is on the way to come save the day! This comic even translates her dialogue for us, which the show never did. 

It ends with her beating the shit out of Cerberus and the Red Guy, even though Chicken deserves his punishment. Flem and Earl, not so much.

It’s a fun enough story, and it does seem like a perfect fit for the show. The dialogue fits right in with the show.

Even Flem’s awkward, vaguely racist broken English. I’m not touching that one...

The art style is a little off, though, looking more like a regular DC comic than an episode of Cow & Chicken.

I mean, it looks like Chicken, but doesn’t the penciling look closer to an issue of Robin at the time instead of something? But it’s a minor complaint, as it’s still a fun read.

The b story is new to me, with a Quick Draw McGraw story. It starts off pretty ordinary, as El Kabong OLE’s himself to save the day. Er, not that ordinary, as El Kabong is a bit of a klutz and usually needs Baba Looey’s help, but it’s okay, something’s about to change.

It turns out that El Kabong’s identity may be liable for copyright infringement, as there’s a Canadian crime fighter known as Le Kabong.

We meet him here, and I believe he’s meant to be Loopy de Loop, but he looks more like Hokey Wolf... or maybe Mr. Jinx. Hanna-Barbeta made some nice-looking characters, but they get pretty samey.

Anyway, his agency was the one who ordered a cease and desist to El Kabong, while his French Canadian doppelganger refuses to follow suit, considering it unheroic. Until it’s discovered that someone kidnapped the local hockey team, and he takes action... so I guess he blames the devil we know? That isn’t really explained, as the next panel shows Quick Straw accepting a battle of the Kabongs.

So we’re about to get a WWE (or I guess WWF. Or maybe WCW?) match, until a new challenger approaches, with a German vigilante jumping in.

And then many more. This switches from wrestling to Super Smash Bros to a full on battle royale of the localized knock-offs. Which I won’t lie, it’s a pretty funny idea.

Luckily, what’s a Kabong without a trusty sidekick to save the day? A few of them attempt to team up to find a way to put a stop to this, including one who looks like Boo Boo with Yogi’s hat and Johnny Bravo’s glasses.

So it ends with the Kabong from Mars (no Spiders) threatening all of the puny humans to stop their shenanigans, and go back to their duties. Which hey, it works! And the story ends with Quick Draw attempting to turn the ten million pesos El Kabong received at the beginning from saving the day into cash. Except pesos are basically useless, which is funny haha right?

This reads like a Hanna-Barbera writer from the 90′s attempting to write a classic character in the present day, and mostly works alright. This does show off one problem with Quick Draw though, that its take on Hispanic culture during the period of the Wild West is problematic. Baba Looey for instance has an exaggerated voice, and he probably needs an overhaul to work today (how did that work in Jellystone btw? I still need to see it). And unfortunately, this point in the late 90′s isn’t all that much more sympathetic to Hispanic culture, as their take mostly stays the same.

But away from that, it’s pretty funny. I do really like Quick Draw when it focuses on how pathetic he is as a supposed hero, either with or without the El Kabong persona.

But I wouldn’t have known if this was in if I didn’t pick up the book. I do understand why Cow & Chicken was the main attraction- *insert Malcolm in the Middle “future is now, old man” img here*- but part of the appeal of Cartoon Network at the time was the mix of old and new school. It wasn’t uncommon to see a classic like Quick Draw next to a modern fav like Cow & Chicken.

But oh well, let’s finish this up. The letters column features a 12 year old offering some of his cartoon ideas- I hope John made it; another boy named John who offers a cute drawing of Space Ghost, and asks about Jan, Jase, and Blip, while insulting the latter, which the editor is not here for; and another boy asking if there are plans for stories featuring 2 Stupid Dogs or Secret Squirrel, as well as hopes for a Cow & Chicken comic. The editor shoots down 2 Stupid Dogs happening, and to be fair, I don’t believe that ever happens. Classic cartoons from 40 years earlier? Sure. Something that ended about five years earlier? Old news. But I do believe Secret Squirrel does show up at some point.

The editor then bemoans how no girls brought in letters this month, and offers a preview of the next issue, which involves Wacky Races. And guess what, I have that one too!

The issue proper ends with an editorial about the importance of recycling, which is fine and all, but my reaction to reading this was “blahblahblah put on more cartoons”

Not bad! Oh, and one more thing of note.

I know, I know, they’re the enemy, and I was all over CN at this point, but I have memories of this promotion. Even though I believe it was long over at this point, and Alex Mack should have aired its last episodes before this issue hit stands. 

Here’s an ad! And now it’s in your head. Sorry/you’re welcome!

[songtoyou]

Epiphany - Part One

Paring: Luke Crain x Female Reader

Chapter Rating: PG-13 

Word Count: 2,204

Warnings: Talks of drug use and recovery, mention death of a family member. 

Description: Life has never been easy for Luke Crain. After the death of Nell, Luke realizes that he needs to make some changes. He decided to stay in Massachusetts and attend rehab. He was determined to remain on his path of sobriety. When you get assigned to be Luke’s sponsor, it opens a new door of possibilities that neither you nor Luke expected.  

A/N: I finally watched the Haunting of Hill House a while back. I found Luke to be very interesting. This is my take on how Luke would go on with life after Nell’s death and how his continued path to remain sober would look like.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Updated: Cleaned up for grammar and punctuation errors.

An epiphany is when a sudden and intuitive perception of insight into reality. It can provide a great moment of revelation and present itself as symbolic insight. Some people experience it while others often search for it.

Life was not easy for Luke Crain or his siblings. After the recent events of Hill House, Luke was scared of a life without his twin sister, Nell. Despite Luke being ninety seconds older, he always felt that Nell was his big sister. She was his protector. The only person to believe in him when others constantly sowed doubt. Unfortunately, Hill House ended up taking Nell in the end, along with his father Hugh. Luke was scared. More scared than he had ever been now that Nell was gone.

However, Luke was determined to get clean. To remain clean. He had to do it, not only for Nell but for himself. Both Steve and Theo pitched in to help pay for a good rehab center for Luke to stay. At first, Luke told them, no, but it was Theo who adamantly expressed her desire to support him.

“Luke, you have made it to 90-days. I can tell you want to remain clean. We all see it. Nell still believes in you and so do we. I want to be supportive of you because you’re my little brother and I love you,” said Theo.

With the support and help of his siblings, Luke decided to stay in Massachusetts for treatment. He took up residence with Shirley in the guest house since Theo decided to move out to live on her own. Despite her worries, Shirley believed in her little brother and his determination to remain clean. One could say it was her way to make amends for the guilt she held by not allowing Luke to attend Nell’s wedding.

It was actually Shirley’s husband Kevin, who recommended Banyan Treatment Center in Wilmington, Massachusetts. “One of my sisters went there for her alcohol addiction. She responded well to the program and has continued to stay sober for two-years. Banyan has a good family counseling program, along with outpatient therapy. Pretty much will have everything you need to continue your path for sobriety,” said Kevin one night after dinner.

It did not take long for Steve and Theo to be on board with Luke deciding on Banyan. Both liked what they read of the place. The treatment center was not uber fancy, like the one Shirley paid for all those years ago but also was a tad upscale compared to the rehab center in Los Angeles Luke recently attended.

The therapists and case managers at Banyan were nice and friendly. Rob, Luke’s primary therapist, helped ease him into a routine. Even though Luke was now over 90 days sober, Rob recommended intensive outpatient therapy every day for an hour session. Luke admitted to Rob, along with his siblings, that he was worried about relapsing due to Nell and Hugh’s deaths. He did not want to fall back into old and dangerous habits.

For 30 days, Luke was committed to his intensive outpatient therapy. Talking over his childhood trauma at Hill House and the recent events helped, not only explain his phobias but also tackle his post-traumatic stress. Hill House had a long-lasting effect that damaged his entire family. So much so, that all he wanted to be was numb. To not have to deal with the images in his mind or how the loss of his mother disturbed him.

When Luke “graduated” from intensive outpatient therapy to regular outpatient therapy, Rob recommended a sponsor for him. The Center’s alumni recovery program allowed for past patients who have succeeded in their program to help mentor those currently in the early stages of detox, treatment, and recovery. Having a strong and influential network of sober peers can make all of the difference between an addict relapsing or staying strong through hard times.

That is how you came into Luke Crain’s life. Rob recommended you to Luke as a sponsor. You had just celebrated your third anniversary of recovery. It was not that you had a bad childhood as the reason you turned to drugs. You were not abused, both of your parents were still alive, nor had you experienced any other forms of childhood trauma. Similar to Luke, heroin was your choice of escapism; the way to ease the feeling of pain and suffering. Not your own, but other peoples’.

That was the downside of being an empath.

Of course, no one believed you about being an empath. Your mother had always referred to you as an overly sensitive child and that stress was not something you handled very well. When having to deal with the ability to sense what people are feeling, whether the emotions are happy, sad, scared, stressed, disturbed, or angry, can be a lot for a person to handle. There came a time when taking on the pain of others became too much. You no longer wanted that burden. You no longer wanted to feel anything.

It did not matter how many rehab facilities your parents sent you to or how many times they pleaded; you did not care. For once, you put yourself first. Heroin helped you stop feeling. Helped you feel numb and content. You were happy. Of course, when the high wore off, as it always does, you were back to reality. You hated reality.

The last hit you had made you end up in the hospital. The doctor explained how you overdosed but were able to resuscitate you in time. That was when you finally realized you needed to change. Needed to get clean once and for all. You knew it would take time and patience. That you would not magically become clean and sober overnight. It was a process. Setbacks were a possibility. However, there was always a little voice in the back of your head that helped pull you through the dark times, to motivate you to keep going.

Now here you were about to meet the new mentee that Rob assigned you to. He only gave a little backstory about Luke, but not many other details. You ended up texting Luke asking him to meet you on Sunday at your favorite coffee shop, the As Good As It Gets Café. He promptly replied that he would see you there around noon.

 When Sunday finally rolled around, you headed to the café and waited. It was a quarter past twelve and Luke still had not shown up. You were starting to get nervous and wondering if he would ever appear. You were on the verge of texting him when the bell on the entry door chimed, indicating that someone was entering the café. You looked up and saw a very tall, scruffy, and attractive looking man standing by the door. The way he was looking around with a lost kind of look helped pinpoint that this was Luke. You got up from your booth and walked over to him.

“Luke?” you politely asked.

“Yes,” he said.

You introduced yourself and held your hand out for him to shake, which he took. You immediately became overwhelmed with the emotions that permeated this man. There was a lot of pain and loss underneath. But there was also a sense of hope and happiness that felt nice.

“Are you okay?” Luke asked wondering why all of a sudden you had a weird look on your face.

“Hmm? I’m sorry. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to…daze off for a second,” you laughed and pointed over to the booth you previously occupied. You walked over with Luke following.

“I’m sorry that I’m late. I was finishing up some homework and didn’t track the time properly,” Luke shared.

“Oh, where do you go to school?”

“Uh…I take a creative writing course at Bunker Hill Community College,” he replied.

“Nice. How are you liking it so far?” you asked him.

Before Luke could respond, one of the waitresses came over asking if Luke wanted anything to drink. Indicating that he just wanted coffee, the two of you were soon left alone.

“I like it. The instructor is really nice. It is the only course I am taking, so it doesn’t take up too much of my time. My older brother, Steve, actually encouraged me to enroll after I shared some of my writing with him. He’s a writer himself. I don’t know if you ever heard of him, Steven Crain? He has written a lot of books, mostly ghost stories. His most famous one is, ‘The Haunting of Hill House’. Have you read that book?”

“I have not. I tend to stay away from horror genres,” you told Luke.

There was a moment of silence between the two of you. Luke was adverting his gaze to anywhere but you. It was easy to tell that he was nervous and unsure of himself.

“Luke,” you spoke up to get his attention and said, “You don’t have to be anxious or feel uneasy. Getting here, to this step, is a big freaking deal. I get it, trust me. I absolutely get it. I never thought I’d be here. To be completely frank, I always pictured myself dead somewhere in the streets. I’m sure you pictured the same for yourself. But it didn’t. You’re here today because you wanted more for yourself. That is something to be proud of.”

Letting out a sigh, Luke sat back in the booth and crossed his arms over his chest. Sometimes he did not feel proud. He missed Nell. He missed her all of the time. She always believed in him no matter how many times he broke her heart. Nell always forgave him. She was always there when he needed someone to bail him out of trouble.

“You okay, Luke? If you would rather do this another time, that is okay. We can reschedule,” you offered. You could sense a feeling of grief underneath the surface of the man sitting before you.

“No. No, I’m sorry. I…uh…I was thinking about Nellie. My twin sister. She…she died recently. Well, not recent, two months ago. So, it’s still…very…it’s still a lot to handle.”

“I’m sorry,” you told him earnestly. “What was it like having a twin? I don’t have any siblings, so I always like to hear other people’s sibling stories.”

“Having siblings has its pros and cons,” Luke laughed, but continued, “They can be much at times, but I’m glad to have them. Especially now that Nellie is gone. They have been incredibly supportive, which makes all the difference in the world.”

“I really appreciate you sharing this with me, Luke. I know it can’t be easy. I am a stranger after all. You’re actually my second mentee from the alumni recovery program. My previous one …well her story didn’t have a happy ending,” you shared with Luke.

He could relate. When he left the clinic in Los Angeles to find Joey and bring her back to get her clean again. She was nine-months clean at the time but ended up using while being back on the streets. Luke would be lying to himself if he did not say he was rather disappointed in Joey. To him, Joey was someone who he could look up to while trying to get clean. He should have known something was off with her during what would be their last night at the clinic. Joey reminded him of Nell, so he could not stand by and do nothing. Joey helped him during his first week at the clinic. So, Luke felt that he owed it to her to return the favor.

Unfortunately, Joey did not want his help in the end. To this day, Luke still does not know what really happened to her after she swiped the drugs off him and headed towards that alley. But deep inside, Luke knew she did not make it. That her body would either be discovered or continue to rot in that alley. Theo would tell him that Joey was not his responsibility. That he had to put himself first when it came to recovery.

Luke pushed his coffee cup to the side and leaned on the table. You were so focused on your own coffee cup that you did not notice him staring at you intently. He was taking you in and assessing you. So far, he could admit that he found you attractive. You had a nice built. Your clothing was not too flashy. He could tell that you were the type to choose comfortable clothing over fashionable attire. However, it was your eyes that stood out. There was a softness and warmness to them that he found quite soothing. There were no ulterior motives behind them or any sense of malice. Luke could see that your intentions with him were good and that you really wanted to help him in his recovery by being a supportive mentor.

“Hey,” he said to get your attention. “I promised that I’ll come to talk to you if I ever feel like I might…. Or if I just feel like I need someone to talk to.”

“I appreciate that, Luke,” you told him sincerely.

[isthisthingeven0n]

not like the books say : d.d

brief summary: for years you’ve been friends with david, but of late you’ve developed a crush. in your attempt to rid of the burden, you start to distance yourself from david, except it doesn’t go unnoticed. 

word count:  1.7k requested: yes - by a lovely anon, thank you for the angsty idea! warnings: none that i’m aware of

* masterlistin’ / masterlistin’ 2.0

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it hasn’t been approved me unless specified. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK - IT IS ALL MY OWN WRITING

You always thought it just happened in films and books. Never in a million years did you think you’d end up being the protagonist who falls for her best friend. Yet, here you are; in love with your best friend, David.

It was something you intended to avoid thinking about, but when you spent nearly every moment with him it was harder than that. You kept your cool 90% of the time, and the only person who seemed to really notice was Natalie.

Since Natalie found out about your harbouring crush, you made the decision to try and distance yourself from your best friend. It was only going to be a temporary measure, just until you felt more like yourself again (and didn’t find yourself drooling over David.)

Yet, you quickly discovered it wasn’t going to be that easy. You see, being apart from David is like going without your phone for a long length of time- close to impossible. Even if you were in his house, but in a separate room, David just knew. He loved having you around, no matter what’s happening, he just wanted you to be there.

Leading you to now, sitting in your house trying to ignore the ringing and bombardment of text messages from David, wondering where you are.

“You gotta answer him at some point, Y/n.” Your friend, Dani speaks up.

She listens as you let out an audible groan before turning your phone face down. “Think that’ll stop it for a bit?” You glance up toward her unimpressed expression as she passes over your drink.

“It’s David. He won’t stop, next thing you’ll know is he’ll send the police around to make sure you’re not dead.” Dani passively jokes, but you both know it might be something he’d actually do one of these days.

Leaning forward, you reach for your phone as the mass of notifications illuminates your screen. “Yeah, I’ll just answer this one.” You mutter, seeing Dani nod out of the corner of your eye as she exits the room.

As you answer the phone, immediately you’re greeted by a long sigh of relief. “Oh thank god, I thought you died.” David dramatically exhales, hearing you chuckle through the line.

“Nope, not dead I can assure you.” You smile to yourself, feeling the all too familiar butterflies in your stomach. “Everything alright?”

Pacing around his bedroom, David nods to himself. “Yeah, yeah. I just wondered if you were coming over today? Jase is here along with Carly and Erin.”

“Sorry Dave, I can’t today.” You tell him, curling up into a cushion on the sofa as you picture his brows furrowing and frown forming.

“Oh,” David mutters, taken aback by your response. “are you ill?” Worry takes over his tone.

“No, not at all. I’m just super busy with some admin things I’ve left to the last minute. Need to just crash out in my office and get them done.” You lie, hoping he can’t tell. You’re always on top of your admin work, so being behind is highly unlike you.

“Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” David tries to hide his disappointment as you hum in response, hanging up shortly after.

Placing his phone in his pocket, David exits his room with his shoulders slouched forward. “Something up, Dave?” Jason speaks up, breaking from the conversation as David slumps onto the sofa beside Carly almost causing her to spill her coffee.

“Y/n isn’t coming over.” David states, looking up as if it isn’t the biggest surprise and everyone should be alarmed, but they’re not. “You heard me, right?” He reiterates his point, and Jason leans forward.

“Dave, it isn’t a big deal. She’s here nearly every day with you, girls gotta have some down time.” He speaks calmly, seeing David look down at his phone once more hoping you’ll change your mind. “Or maybe she’s just sick of your company.” Jason jokes, but David lifts his head up quickly at the comment.

“Fuck off, Jase.” David scoffs. “But what if she is? Like, she’s barely spoken to me all week, suddenly been super busy with work or helping out Dani with things.” David explains, everyone now captivated in his thoughts.

“Maybe she’s started to see someone.” Erin suggests, and immediately David tenses at the thought. “Or not, I don’t know.” She mutters, looking over to Carly who keeps her eyes on her phone.

Walking out from the room, David heads into the yard as frustration clouds his emotions.

“David, wait.” Natalie follows after him as he clenches his fists, leaning against the railing. “Y/n’s not seeing anyone, I know that much.” She says calmly as David sighs.

“Then why is she not around? I, I miss her being here for me to annoy all the time.” He tries to joke, but Natalie can tell he means it on a deeper level.

“Is there more to why you miss her being here?” Natalie pushes the subject, hoping he’d finally say something.

Sadly, David shakes his head. “I just miss her, alright.” He comments coldly. “I’m going for a drive, I’ll be back later.” He states before walking past Natalie without so much as looking up.

“Fuck.” Natalie sighs as she walks back into the house, hearing the front door close and everyone look up at her with the same confused expression. “He just needs to clear his head.” She excuses him before sitting back down with everyone else, sending you a quick text just in case.

*

Lying on your bed, you couldn’t tear your gaze from the ceiling, suddenly finding the detailing in the blank canvas fascinating.

“Y/n?” Dani yells your name, quickly followed by the sound of her running up the stairs and appearing at your door. “You’ve got a guest.” She swallows her breath as you turn to face her.

“But I’m busy, clearly.” You sarcastically comment, only encouraging Dani to sit beside you.

“Let me rephrase that.” She sighs. “David is here.”

Quickly you force yourself upright, looking at Dani quizzingly. “You’re not bullshitting me, are you?” Dani shakes her head, and you groan loudly into your hands. “Okay, I, I’ll come on down.” You mutter in defeat, following her footsteps as you descend down the stairs.

As you appear from the railings, David perks up immediately. He can feel his smile growing, even if he can’t see your tired expression just yet. All he knows is that you being home, and willing to see him is enough to make his day.

Appearing fully in his view, David’s smile softens as you face him. “Hey, what’re you doing here?” You ask calmly, but David can see the glances that Dani has toward you.

“I just came to see if you’re doing okay.” David mumbles, suddenly feeling like a child in a staff room at school. “You’ve not been 'round much and everyone's missing you.” He quickly adds, trying to ease the matter by focusing on the others, not just himself.

“Oh,” You think aloud, catching David’s eye. “I, I’m fine just been busy with stuff.” You repeat the same excuse he’s heard countless times now, and David nods.

“But like, is there something we can help with?” He asks, stepping forward as you step back. “I, I’m sorry if I’ve said anything or done something to upset you. You can talk to me, Y/n, you always can.” He raises his voice slightly, and Dani turns around and walks upstairs, leaving you both with some privacy.

Lowering your gaze to the floor, you watch as his feet shuffle against the wooden floorboards. “I can’t right now, David.” You tell him honestly, refusing to look up to see the cocktail of confusion and anger crossing his face. “It’s my fault, but I can’t explain it, not yet at least.”

David furrows his brows together as he focuses on you. “So we’re keeping secrets now?” He scoffs, stepping back as you do too, leaning against your sofa as your hands grip the ledge tightly. “Since when do we keep secrets, Y/n?”

“Since they involve you!” You blurt out, feeling your heartbeat thumping in your eardrums as you look at David, dead in the eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting to be with you, being in fucking love with you and it’s driving me crazy!” You’re yelling now, unable to hold it back after so long of keeping everything bottled up.

Remaining in a state of shock, David just stares with wide eyes as he processes everything you’ve just said.

“How long have you felt like this?” He finally speaks up, and you can’t help but laugh as you cover your face with your hands.

“Too long, Dave.” You admit, still hiding your face.

David steps forward, lowering your hands down as he focuses on the worry in your gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Y/n?” He mumbles, but you shake your head.

“Because it’s stupid, you’re my best friend. I, I can’t be in love with you, David.” You explain as if it were obvious.

Shrugging a shoulder, David raises his hand to rest against your cheek. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.” He whispers, leaning in closer as his lips brush yours.

Except, you pull away, falling back onto your sofa. “What’re you doing?” You ask, caught off guard as you stand up straight, the sofa being the obstacle between you both.

“I was going to kiss you, dumbass.” He chuckles, running his hands across his jeans. “Look, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard, it’s just, I feel the same.” David explains, and now it’s your turn to process what he’s just said. “I have for years, just I never thought you’d feel the same so I’ve supressed it. Kinda only realised it whenever you’ve dated some guy.”

“I, sorry,” You stumble over your words.

“Oh for god sake, people!” Dani blurts out, and you both look up to see her peering through the railings. “You love him, he loves you. End of!” She sighs dramatically before retreating back up the stairs, leaving you stood in silence once more.

“I guess this is the part where I ask you on a date then?” David turns to face you, shyly smiling as you move around the sofa and stand in front of him, your fingertips brushing along his.

“Yeah,” You chuckle softly. “I guess that’d be a good start.”

[nikibogwater]

The Norse Chaos Chronicles: Chapter Four--In which by some Easter miracle, the Incompetent Vikings defeat the Elder

Been a few days since my last update in regards to Team Bogwater’s exploits in the world of Valheim. This is mostly because we actually had a couple of play sessions that were relatively calm.

We actually did manage to expand to the Black Forest across the sea and set up a functioning base there, where we lived in somewhat cramped quarters for a while until we had gathered enough minerals to enter the Bronze Age (and by cramped, I mean all three of us were crammed into what was basically a single king-sized bed because we failed to make the house big enough to accommodate a reasonable amount of space between each of our beds--clearly some home renovations are in order).

I, being a very kind and responsible sister, spent some time on the server by myself making our base more secure with Stake Walls, setting up a sufficient space for storage, and gathering food, all tasks that the others didn’t seem too excited to take care of. I was expecting the boys to notice and at least tell me that my additions were helpful.

I know for a fact that they at least noticed, because when I joined them for this most recent play session, Gustav had decided that what our base needed now was a spike pit around the front gate, which I know wouldn’t have occurred to him if I hadn’t put up the spiky walls. I was never told that my additions were helpful or appreciated, but considering that there were far fewer deaths happening close to our base, I suspect they were nonetheless. 

Niki: ...Is....Do we really need the spike trap? Like, is it necessary? Gustav: How could you even ask something like that?! I have never been more upset in my life.  Niki: It’s just...like, there’s a bridge that goes right over it. Gustav: Yeah. So we can get across it. Niki: Right but so could the Greydwarves. Gustav: Greydwarves aren’t that smart. (20 minutes later) Gustav, trying and failing to shove a Greydwarf into the pit: You guys, I may have overestimated how unintelligent Greydwarves are.

Gustav got exactly one (1) Greydwarf to fall into the pit and die. The only other thing he caught was Tripe. 

Okay, well, he did manage to get a Troll to walk into the spikes, but then it just smashed them all to pieces. It was at this point that Gustav finally accepted the reality of the fact that a spike pit was completely useless to us in this particular area.

Gustav, filling in the pit with rocks: Man, why didn’t one of you guys warn me that the spike trap was a dumb idea? Niki and Tripe: Yeah, that was our bad. 🙄 (10 minutes later) Niki, just peacefully mining copper in the forest: Wait, so where did the Troll go- *gets slammed by the Troll before I can even finish voicing the question* GUSTAV, WHY DIDN’T YOU KILL IT?!

Tripe and Gustav upgraded to Bronze Gear and Troll Hide (I brought mine over from my single player world to save time and resources). I was still trying to gather up enough Bronze to make a Cultivator so we could eat something other than Cooked Meat and Queen’s Jam, when suddenly I was informed that we were getting into a boat (we upgraded from the raft, finally) and going to kill the Elder.

Tripe: Get in losers, we’re going to kill the next boss. Gustav: *jumps in without any hesitation* Niki: Wait what?! That’s a terrible idea! (5 minutes later) Niki, sulking in the front of the boat: Did I mention this is a really bad idea? Gustav and Tripe: It’s fine. How bad can it possibly be?

Horrible. Absolutely horrible. That’s how bad it was. 

We had rather unlucky RNG with our world generation, and the Elder’s altar was a good 1,000 miles away from us. Which meant a significant portion of this play session was actually just sitting in the boat and watching the scenery pass. 

It sounds like a pleasant time, but I was absolutely terrified the whole way there. 

Gustav: ...Oh hey, we discovered the ocean. Niki, who has seen videos of Sea Serpents absolutely wrecking well-equipped players: BACK TO THE SHORE. GO BACK. DO NOT MOVE INTO OPEN WATERS. GUSTAV, FOR THE LOVE, GO BACK TO THE SHORELINE! (Passing a Plains biome) Niki: ...Did you guys know there are one-hit death bugs in the Plains Gustav and Tripe: Will you please calm down

We happened to run across Haldur the merchant shortly before reaching our destination. Since Valheim doesn’t tie your inventory to individual worlds, I went ahead and bought a few things to bring back to my single-player world (namely the fishing gear). I hopped off the server for a minute to transfer the items, and while I was in my world, I grabbed some extra food (the boys are terrible about keeping food in their inventories) and, since I figured we’d need all the help we could get, grabbed a few jugs of mead without really paying attention to what effects they gave.

When I came back into the server, Tripe and Gustav were setting up our temporary base so we could reset our spawn points. Right. Smack. Dab. Next to the altar. As in, when the Elder spawned, he was going to basically be standing directly on top of it. 

Niki: ...You guys that seems like a poorly-conceived plan. Gustav and Tripe: No, it’s fine. Stop worrying. 

At this point, I was pretty resigned to the disaster that was inevitably going to unfold, so I just grabbed some wood and set up my own shack a decent ways away without making any further attempts to convince the other two. 

Gustav: Niki, where are you? We’re all ready. Niki: I just...I’ll be there in a minute, hold on. Tripe: What are you doing? Niki: ...I’m building a house. Gustav: YOU ARE BUILDING YOUR OWN HOUSE WHEN WE HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD ONE RIGHT HERE?! RUDE! Niki: I DON’T WANNA RESPAWN AND THEN JUST IMMEDIATELY BE SQUISHED AGAIN, ALRIGHT?!

Houses built and weapons readied, we all gathered at the altar. I chucked the Ancient Seeds into the flame and immediately booked it out of the vicinity as fast as my meaty Vikings legs could carry me, frantically downing a jug of mead as I went. The Elder spawned in and within seconds, absolute carnage reigned supreme.

Gustav died within the first two minutes and spent the next ten trying to make it back to his grave. Which he couldn’t really do because his respawn point was right next to the Elder, and emerging from the house naked of all armor and gear was basically an instant death sentence.

Gustav: I’ve died six times trying to get my gear back. We really shouldn’t have built the house this close to the altar. Niki, why didn’t you warn us? Niki, fleeing from the massive thorny vines that the Elder is trying to impale her on: I hate you guys so much right now.

I was hanging back as much as I could, dealing damage with my Finewood Bow, but the Elder has a huge range of attack, and it had me down to single digits in health within less than a minute. And it was at this point that I realized I had majorly screwed up.

The mead that I had been frantically chugging in hopes of gaining better health regen? It was actually slowing my health regen and only increasing my stamina.

Niki: YOU GUYS THE MEAD WAS A MISTAKE. OH MY GOSH, IT’S MINUS FIFTY HEALTH REGEN, NOT PLUS! OH CRAP CRAP CRAP--I’M LITERALLY SLOSHED OVER HERE! Gustav: WAIT, NIKI CAME INTO THIS FIGHT DRUNK?! Niki: I DIDN’T NOTICE THE MINUS SIGN!!!! *yeets the rest of the mead into the ocean before meeting my first demise at the hands of the Elder*

Miraculously, I only died twice during the fight (again, mostly because my respawn point was away from the altar, meaning I had a clearer path back to my graves when I respawned). I have no idea how many times the other two died. Towards the end we were also being bombarded by hoards of Greydwarves, which only made things ten times worse.

Gustav: Have either of you seen my corpse? I mean, I have several lying around here at this point. 

I don’t even know how we managed it, but we did finally take out the Elder and received our Swamp Keys. We all stood around the scene of destruction for a minute, just kind of collecting ourselves. 

Tripe: ...I feel like that could’ve gone better. Gustav: Yeah.  It’s just, Niki goes and does all this research and watches videos and then she doesn’t bother to tell us not to put our house so close to the- Niki: *punches him*

The trip home was blessedly uneventful. Tripe did decide to cut across the ocean instead of following the shoreline in order to save time. I was 90% certain we were all going to be eaten by a Serpent, but we were fine. 

We made it back to our camp only to find a Greydwarf Shaman mucking around in our front yard.

Gustav: What is he--is he barfing on our house...? NO, HE’S SMASHING THE CART! OH YOU SON OF A-- *takes a flying leap out of the boat and tears through the shallows, furiously waving his spear*

The Shaman poisoned Tripe, who had a mild panic attack because his respawn point was still back at the Elder’s Altar, and if he died now he would have to walk all the way back here. 

Tripe, with 1 HP left: NO I’M NOT DYING LIKE THIS! *dives headfirst into the nearest bed*

So yes. That is what I was doing this weekend, in case any of you were wondering where I disappeared to. I am hoping to spend some time working on ToA stuff today, but I again, I think it is important to record these events for posterity...and perhaps as a cautionary tale for others.

[calliecat93]

ST: TNG S4 Watchthrough Episodes 22-25

Half a Life: Okay Lwaxana, let's see if the fourth time is the charm. So… gonna be honest, this episode just made me uncomfortable with the subject matter. Essentially Lwaxana becomes friendly with a man named Timicin… who is going to commit suicide as part of his culture due to his age. needless to say, I thoroughly am not okay with this. The episode does delve into it like Lwaxana reacts as you would expect and there are points made about how she has no right to interfere in others cultures/personal beliefs and how we treat middle-aged individuals nearing their elder years. But… y’know… a society that dictates that you kill yourself at 60 is… I’m sorry, I just cannot discuss this topic fairly. While I am opinionated, I do try my best to be fair… but I’m just not comfortable enough to discuss this topic in this way because I thoroughly disagree with suicide as acceptable on any level. At least not with how it was done here. That being said, being fair, I can give some praise. First, David Ogden Stiers! Heck yes~! I love his work in various Disney films, and he was excellent here! And on Lwaxana… I liked her here. Not only is her man-chasing ways with a man who is receptive to it so it feels less dumb/annoying/kinda creepy and more charming and legitimately entertaining than when she’s forcing it on Picard, but frankly I was on her side throughout the episode. When suicide is involved, someone should intervene and Timicin shouldn’t have to die just because he’s hit 60 and they don’t want to burden their children with caring for the elderly. My dad died at 54, and I never hesitated in trying to care for him. No one in my family did. But you could see Lwaxana’s pain and grief and when she broke down in the Transporter Room to Troi… God. I may not be the biggest fan of her character, but the poor woman just needs a big hug. In the end, it's really hard for me to tell which side the episode is standing with. it chooses to shoot down the middle with Timicin choosing to go through with it and Lwaxana finally allowing it… but it doens’t feel like we’re supposed to be okay with it. I get it, it’s their planet’s beliefs and whether one should interfere in one's culture or not is a legit question… but when it comes to matters like this I just… IDK. Like I said IDK if I can give this a fair opinion because again, I just don’t agree with the subject matter whatsoever and it just feels utterly wrong. Maybe it’s supposed to, but… yeah. I’m gonna be fair here and shoot down the middle for the rating because I can’t say it’s a poorly done episode and the personal bias may be affecting my judgment… but it is certainly one I am unlikely to revisit. 3/5.

The Host: Crusher’s got a boyfriend, aww~! Too bad that he ends up dead, aww… but it’s okay! Turns out they’re actually a symbiote known as a Trill in a host body and they stick him into Riker in the meantime! Uhh… sure? Is this how it works for Jadzia in DS9? So the symbiote, Odon, is also an Ambassador and still needed, so Riker volunteers to be that host… despite no human ever carrying a Trill before. Needless to say, this not only causes issues for Riker but… well, muddies up Crusher and Odon’s relationship quite a bit. This makes sense, Odon not only mentioning this detail but being a symbiote that goes from body to body can be hard to settle. Crusher does eventually decide to try and make it work despite the awkwardness because she genuinely loves Odon, who is suffering due to Riker’s body just not being suitable. It’s fine, it’s certainly an interesting concept… until we get to the ending. What causes Crusher to break it off with Odon? His new host body suited for them… is a woman’s body. Now she says it’s because she just can’t handle the body hopping and I’m gonna take that as the truth… but the way the episode portrays it, it’s more like she can’t handle the body hopping into a female body despite her saying that’s not it. I know, I know it was the 90’s and again I’m just gonna act like seeing the new body was when the reality was hitting Crusher and she realized that it was just too much too fast. I can buy that. But again, the execution makes it feel… well, there’s no other way to say it, homophobic/biphobic/transphobic. Again 90’s, but still. At least the Trill’s aren’t picky about their gender at least physically, I can respect that. But yeah… needless to say this has quite a few unfortunate implications under a modern lens. Still, it was alright. Considering Jadzia in DS9, I’m looking forward to seeing more about the Trills then. The episode was alright, I just wish that the ending was more open-minded because it really put a damper on my final opinion. It shows that for all its progressiveness, ST still has plenty of prejudices from the real-life eras that they were made in. I’m just glad that we’re at least beginning to improve now. 2/5.

The Mind’s Eye: Geordi has been kidnapped by the Romulans. That sucks… and it gets worst when they conduct a painful mind-control experiment on him. Why? Well, the Enterprise is en route to deal with a Klingon insurrection and have a Klingon ambassador on board. They want Geordi to kill said the ambassador and thus crumble apart from the Federation/Klingon alliance. So yeah, bad. Geordi is a good boy, in romantically hopeless, he didn’t deserve this! Poor guy isn’t even aware of what he’s doing and can’t even sleep properly. It especially got tense there in the end as Data started piecing everything together… just as Geordi is readying to execute the assassination. Thank God that they managed to stop him, but again, poor Geordi. Oh and the fact that there was a Klingon turncoat on board triggering the order… yeah. Looks like Duras wasn’t the only Klingon in ona. Romulan conspiracy. Geordi’s left with implanted memories and the trauma of undergoing a brainwashing that he can’t even remember happening. Another solid episode that continues the threat of the Romulans and this whole RomulanKlingon conspiracy. We’re beuilding up to something, and it’s likely to be explosive. 4/5.

In Theory: A girl named Jenna has a crush on Data, oh my! Data, despite believing that as an android he can’t feel romantic attraction, decides that he’d like to pursue this, even making a romantic program for himself. In other words, it’s The Dauphin 2.0. So first, again with this whole thing about Data being an unfeeling android. Why can’t Data feel romantic attraction? He’s been shown to feel plenty of feelings including some level of affection for Tasa, just because it’s not in the ‘’normal’ way doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe Data is aromantic, but that’s not gonna come up in a 90’s show, which 90’s standards are why this feels so wrong. Data’s curiosity on the subject and deciding to pursue it is fine. He’s new to it and sure studying/emulating what media and books say about romance isn’t always best as the episode does demonstrate. That’s certainly a fine message to express and plenty of people have done/gone through that. There were some fun moments like Data seeking out advice from the others and Worf pretty much threatening Data to treat Jenna, who is part of Security, well or else was also amusing XD But yeah this episode was cute in a few ways, but I just can’t get over that whole ‘Data is emotionless’ thing. The show has shown far more evidence for Data having emotions than lacking them? Maybe Data thinks that he doesn’t, I can believe that, but still. Had they portrayed it simply as Data, being new to love and curious about it, didn’t fully get it/wasn’t ready but was trying to force it anyways and Jenna broke it off because of that instead of using the ‘he was a rebound’ excuse? I’d have been more accepting of that instead of wondering why they even bothered with this plot to begin with. To say that Data can’t feel love and anyone who tries is doomed to failure instead of Data learning to be better over time? Yeah… sorry, not buying it. The Dauphin, despite me not liking how Welsey acted at the end, was standard but still cute. This one though? Sorry, didn’t care for it. But hey, we got Spot again, so that made it worth it! 2/5.

So… aside from the third one, not the best episodes. But hey, everything else this season has still been good. Very least I’ll have plenty to make a Top 5 Best/Worst list for S4 now. Next time is the S4 finale/S5 premiere! Yay~! S4 has been such a fun ride so far! Will the ending end things on a high note and guarantee a strong beginning for S5? We shall see~!

[gwoongi]

(abandoned) it’s late, just stay

john wick / reader genre: sugar daddy au rating: general, mature themes words: 2.4k warnings: sugar daddy relationship, slight john wick 2 spoilers i guess a/n: this 1 is for me. i wrote her in a heat,,,she’s literally not finished. but im adding her to my online portfolio 4 the memories. Also fyi the profile was made before i indulged in seeking arrangements and as a sugar baby i know that ur not allowed to mention 90% of brooklynbaby’s bio in ur bio but who cares man this is fiction and im making it up

At that, she tossed her head back with a laugh and leant forward. “And since when are sugar babies a relationship status?”

Sometimes, John doesn’t really know how he gets himself into awkward situations.

The first few occasions, he figured it was merely a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. While, actually, this always worked out in his favour, John began to notice that it was more frequent that he ended up at a bar with some people he didn’t really know, or being invited to a baby shower as the date of a woman he had never even met before. Granted, John enjoyed company whenever he could get it, and whenever it avoided conflict; however socialism has never been his strongest asset. No, he simply prefers silent gestures or glances across rooms, ‘eye conversations’ where he says hello and nothing else for the remainder of the evening.

“You just need to loosen up a bit,” is what Addy had told him, whilst slipping him a glass of straight Bourbon. It had been a relatively quiet evening in the Continental, and just when John thought he could have five minutes of peace and quiet, Addy has slipped in his line of sight. “You know, go out. Make new friends.”

“You’re my friend,” John replied. He made no room to elaborate on that statement, swallowing the contents of the drink and pushing it back to her with a short nod. She sighed and rolled her eyes, doing her job.

“No, you know what you really need?” He didn’t answer, glancing at her through his hair as she filled his drink and rested her weight on her elbows. Instantly, John didn’t like the feeling in his stomach when Addy raised her eyebrows suggestively, tugging on her bottom lip with newfound excitement: “I think you need to get laid.” 

And when John scoffed with humour, she tried again, “and not like, laid as in you have a one night stand. No- hear me out, John! You should invest in a sugar baby. You know, someone you can spend time with when you’re not doing the dirty work for everybody else. It’s fun, and frisky, and also means you can start spending some of the millions you have stashed somewhere not being used.”

She tutted like a scolding mother, “Selfish boy.” Addy then smiled, “Maybe instead of retirement, what you really need is something to help you unwind.”

John scoffed, gulping back the Bourbon. “I’m married.”

At that, she tossed her head back with a laugh and leant forward. “And since when are sugar babies a relationship status?”

That’s really all the thinking he had done on the subject of John- John fucking Wick- investing in a sugar baby. He simply took it in stride, almost complimented by the assumption that he was attractive and rich enough to have someone leaning on him for money and sex, and stored it away for future thought when he was lost and drunk. John never actually considered the possibility of “putting his bills to good use” until fucking Santino D’Antonio decided to light a bonfire inside his house. Having lost virtually everything related to Helen, he found himself back at the Continental, back to listening to Addy sympathetically give her condolences and five seconds later, introducing him to Seeking Arrangements.

John doesn’t know why he’s doing this, staring at the laptop screen that smiles at him. For circumstances, Addy had loaned him her laptop for the evening he spends at the Continental, and he’s too busy browsing the elaborately made profiles that he barely registers the fact that he is still wearing his suit. He pulls at the cuffs of his blazer and is midway through taking it off when he stumbles across a profile- one of which is oddly amusing- titled brooklynbaby. He racks his mind for the reference but can’t seem to place it.

“A sugar baby suggests that I sleep with them, and as I said,” John had mentioned back in the bar, “I’m married.”

Addy had grabbed his hands and groaned, “Look- you might surprise yourself. And, I’m not suggesting that you throw your wife away for somebody new. I’m just saying you need to...make use of yourself. Honestly, you’re too sexy to be stored away like this. Most sugar babies are dumb and unobservant, they won’t even know who you are.”

brooklynbaby makes an adorably hilarious first impression, and John is hesitant to browse her profile. If he wanted to “make use of himself” by investing all of his personal time into somebody who in truth wanted him for his dick and his bank balance, then it needed to be somebody at least near to his wavelength. Somebody who was smart, but clueless at the same time, and somebody who was the complete opposite of Helen. The last thing he needed on top of a handful of a baby was the guilt of moving on. But still, even when he pinned her tab and returned to scrolling through the profiles, John realised that most sugar babies were simply trolls hidden behind pretty pictures, or girls who wanted money for pleasure and not for need.

He went back to brooklynbaby. Three times. Three times, before he pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering a quiet, “Oh, fuck it,” and favoriting her account, and pressing to send a message.

Even online, John was never great with words. He typed, and backspaced, and typed again, trying to come up with something interesting to make up for the bland profile he made around thirty minutes ago.

From: johnwick So. You like dogs?

If Addy were here, she would have slapped him.

Almost immediately after it sends, John lets out a frustrated noise and tears his gaze away from the screen. Dating just wasn’t like how it was when he met Helen. Why did everything have to be so complicated, and mysterious, and why the hell does he even have to waste his money on somebody when he could be saving this money to eventually, whenever the day comes, retire? John wrestles with the dilemma of deleting the whole account when a notification bell rings through the laptop speakers.

From: brooklynbaby yes, I love dogs!!! :D (typing) do you have a dog?

John breathes a sigh of relief.

From: johnwick Yes. I do.

From: brooklynbaby oh, great. :) (typing)

John’s leg begins to bounce quickly, the table wavering with the glass on top, like an earthquake. Suddenly, brooklynbaby stops typing and John stills. Why did she stop? Did he do something wrong? Honestly, women are so hard to please nowadays.

From: brooklynbaby want to be my sugar daddy?

Never mind.

From: johnwick I would.

From: brooklynbaby cool

Neither him or brooklynbaby says anything for a few moments, and John doesn’t notice. After-all, he is still a working man, busy with life and revenge and trying to stay alive for more than three seconds. When he goes back to the laptop and sees no reply, he frowns.

From: johnwick I am sorry. I really don’t know what I’m doing. What am I supposed to say?

He makes a mental reminder to have words with Addy later.

From: brooklynbaby /(*u*)/ you’re cute we could make dinner reservations and talk over terms if you’d like!!! i say reservations because they’re fancy and if anything goes wrong, we can pretend we’re… business partners? discussing business?

Without even really realising, John finds himself laughing shortly, settling back into the chair. All of this feels weird, as in typing to a stranger he’s planning to spend his money on and occasionally fuck. John quickly revisits her profile and spends four minutes analysing her profile picture. If this is her, then she’s really very beautiful. A steal.

From: johnwick When are you free for dinner?

From: brooklynbaby hmm well i’m dogsitting tomorrow, but i can be free for the day after!!!! is that okay ^_^

From: johnwick That would be fine. [Address] at 7pm, does that work for you?

brooklynbaby pauses.

From: brooklynbaby omg am i gonna have to dress fancy?

From: johnwick Don’t feel pressured. I only own black.

From: brooklynbaby well….guess i’ll bring out like one of my old uni party dresses :( but you have to promise not to judge me!!!

John laughs again. At some point during the evening, he ends up with a planned dinner reservation at one of the most expensive restaurants in Brooklyn, and he’s also 2 grand poorer thanks to the generous donation in brooklynbaby’s bank account for a nice evening outfit.

When John returns the laptop to Addy the following morning, he was admittedly expecting the rant that followed. She had glared at the laptop being handed back over the bar and refused to serve him until he came up with a reasonably valid excuse as to why he wasn’t putting himself out there for a bit of company. John had blinked with an unimpressed look and drummed his fingers.

“I have dinner reservations with someone tomorrow at 7pm. Also- can I have a drink?”

But of course, with work being as tedious as ever and with his whole day being completely ruined by a blood stained shirt and poor room service for the first time in his many years of frequenting the Continental, John didn’t amuse himself with brooklynbaby until he logged onto the site on his phone, and saw that she had messaged thrice during the day. He almost felt guilty, until he saw a string of numbers at the end of the last message. He deemed it less necessary to read her above messages and instead went right to texting.

brooklynbaby ok. so should i just ask for mr john wick when i get to this restaurant??? sorry for so many texts im just kinda nervous

me Yes. I booked under my name and I will be waiting for you when you arrive. Why are you nervous? Didn’t you ask me to be here?

brooklynbaby well if we’re going to be technical then YOU asked me to dinner first :P and im nervous because i have nooo idea who you are send a picture?

John sank into bed.

me Maybe I like the element of surprise.

brooklynbaby seems a lil unfair that you get to see me but i dont get to see you :( ive seen ur dog before you thats saying something

me You could have used any image. If we’re going to be technical, I don’t even know your name, or if that is really you in the image.

John really hadn’t been expecting a full blown nude image at 4:15pm in the afternoon, but he will admit that it was nevertheless what he needed to break some steam. He had arrived at the restaurant twenty minutes earlier than expected, but that’s okay, Mr Wick. Right this way! Now that he was sitting here, at an empty table overlooking Brooklyn and the lights, with an already ordered bottle of wine, John could understand and relate to the first date nerves. He hadn’t felt this way in a long time. Not since-

brooklynbaby uhhh im kind of here like ten minutes early should i wait outside for you :3

He laughs, mostly to himself.

me I’m already up here. I ordered a rosé, is that alright?

brooklynbaby YES IM RUNNING

And, surprising himself also, John had clammed up and reached for his glass. Thankfully, the owner of this restaurant knew John by face and order, because, after-all, this had been his go-to with Helen. These days, he doesn’t have time to go out to new places and eat new things, and so had panicked, and picked a place with sentimental value, and a history of good food. He gulped back his glass of Bourbon and waited until the door at the other side of the room opened meekly, and he tried to appear vacant as the waiter led a woman across the room and towards him.

“Your date, Mr Wick.”

He left curtly and brooklynbaby followed his body as he left, her feet firmly glued to the floor as her head looked back over her shoulder. John took this as an opportunity to look at her body, covered in a beautiful dress he felt proud of paying for. Finally, brooklynbaby looked towards him and paused, observing him and his clearly surprising appearance. John then remembered the gash on his cheekbone and the way he probably looked very off-putting with an unshaven face and long hair, but brooklynbaby smiled softly and raised her brows, beating him to helping her in her chair as she quickly sat down and looked at his glass.

“How did you know I liked beards?”

John didn’t say anything for a moment. “I didn’t.”

brooklynbaby rolled her eyes with a grin. “Of course you didn’t.” She looked up, then, properly taking in his face. John did the same, looking at every feature present and coming to the quick conclusion that yes, she was definitely the woman in the pictures, and yes, she was one of the most gorgeous humans he had ever seen on planet Earth since Helen herself.

“You’re not what I expected,” she said honestly. “But, more than my expectations. I don’t believe I’ve really introduced myself- I’m Y/N. Y/N L/N.”

He tried it out in his head. Y/N. Y/N L.N, Y/N L/N, Y/N Wick-

“John,” he replied and she sniggered and rested her chin in her palms.

“You’re seriously so handsome,” she complimented. “Are you sure you’re not married, or something?”

Her gaze panned to his hands where she noticed the wedding band, and for a moment, she hesitated. John wasn’t ashamed of the ring, nor embarrassed to be seen wearing it. He toyed with it on his finger, looking at her from across the table. “It’s complicated.”

Y/N nodded meekly. “I see.” She cleared her throat, “divorce? Planned divorce? Affair?”

“No, I’m widowed,” he tried out a joke, but she only looked more uncomfortable. Her mouth gaped and she fumbled for words.

“Oh, John, I’m really sorry- no, really, I’m so sorry,” she stumbled, and John watched her carefully across the table. “God, how fucking insensitive. Sorry, I guess that just. Wow, that never really crossed my mind. That sucks, I’m sorry.”

“It’s in the past,” John said, finding finality in that sentence. “I’m trying to move on from it.”

Y/N nodded sympathetically. “No, yeah, wow, I get it. Completely. I...hope I live up to great expectations, then?”

John smiled and looked past her, noticing the waiter rounding the corner with the bottle of rose. “You’re getting there, Miss L/N.”

[normal-thoughts-official]

UWU I'm in the mood for some Raphael talk, I love the headcanon you've talked about in the chat about Raphael tolerating Alec only because he makes his dad happy (which is so damn valid of him), and it's one of my most fave things do you have more slightly silly headcanons about it?

you really want me to be beaten up huh may. you want them to come for me again. you want to ruin my life

okay disclaimer Alec stans pwease dont hate me uwu I'm not saying i hate Alec I'm saying that i dont think Raphael would vibe with him. especially after the whole punch which I'll never get over cuz like i KNOW rationally that alec didnt have the full story and if izzy was hurt and sitting beside a white shadowhunter he would go there and beat them up all the same cuz alec's like this, but I'm still upset eidndidjdid my boy doesnt deserve this okay

anyway with that being said

i dont think its Raphael like, genuinely hating him as much as them having nothing in common besides their mutual love for Magnus and desire to see him happy. so Raphael can tolerate him fine, but he's not exactly dying to be best friends. besides, alec's like, all of the most annoying things about shadowhunters (all serious, never fucking relaxes, must have a weapon close at all times, doesn't understand food, doesn't listen to music, doesnt-) that arent like straight up nazist bigotry. so hes just like. ugh. whatever. I'm here for Magnus. leave pls

i can absolutely see that tbh Raphael just goes to their house and is all like "Alec leave i want to talk to Magnus" and alec's like "this is my house?" and raphael's like "and?" and alec's like "Fine, ill take a walk. Magnus, Raphael is here." but he also kisses Magnus goodbye in front of Raphael because he can, in fact, be an ass

also i know i told u about that already but Raphael lowkey challenges him every time like. he'll come by Magnus' and bring food, and of course theres food for 3 because Raphael is not gonna be that rude and he doesn't want to make Magnus feel like Raphael wants him to choose between Raphael and Alec. Alec makes Magnus happy and Raphael would never want to make Magnus feel like his love or presence in his life is conditional. Plus, he doesn't actually hate him. Just a little.

anyway so he brings the food and he's like (clearly judgemental tone) "i brought hot sauce because i figured Alec doesn't usually eat spicy food" and he's obviously correct, Alec had never eaten anything with season in his life before he met Magnus, much less pepper. he's the kind of ultimate, boss-level gringo who puts salt on his food when he's feeling adventurous

so Raphael sits down and puts the food on his plate and he pours hot sauce into his plate while making unwavering eye contact with Alec (yeah raphael can eat in this because he deserves it and i said so) and it's an obvious challenge and it evidently works because Alec 1- is competitive, and 2- actually wants Raphael's respect because he knows how important he is to Magnus. so he takes the salsa from Raphael and starts pouring it too while maintaining eye contact right back, jaw clenched in challenge, looking all serious and Magnus is like "children, please" and raphael's all like "oh no no no, let him" but Alec considers that a win because Raphael is clearly trying to contain a smile and thats the first step to winning him over

so anyway Alec sweats and grimaces through the whole meal, cuz like, look yes he may have pain tolerance because he's a shadowhunter but he's also the bitch who reacted to taking a sip of beer like someone had farted on his face. he can't hide his reactions for shit, but fuck if he doesn't lick the plate clean (not literally like gross) and doesn't shed a single tear, even as he clearly can't keep his eyes open with the effort

Magnus is like "Alexander, you dont have to do this" and alec's like "(eyes squeezed shut, grimacing, drenched in sweat) do what? this is very good" and Raphael is smiling into his plate even as Magnus shoots him dirty looks

then Alec is like "i won. i ate it all" and Raphael is like "(looking at his red sweaty face and puffy eyes) really?"

also look ill always love the hc that Raphael resents Alec for his height and Alec doesnt even notice. Raphael is not short, god damn it, hes 175! thats TEN whole centimeters above the mexican average! he was the tallest boy in Guadalajara! RAPHAEL IS TALL, OKAY

EXCEPT everyone in the goddamn shadow world is apparently a god damn giant. Its humiliating enough that Magnus is 180. but Magnus is his dad, so whatever. but Alec is FUCKING 190. no one needs that much tall. no one! Raphael went from being the tallest boy in the neighborhood to the shortest, and boy he is so not pleased about it

but Alec has no idea because who cares? (Raphael. Raphael cares. deeply. he cares so much) it's not even good to be that tall, he keeps banging his head on things. so there will be moments like. Raphael is standing in front of the bookshelf, seeming very focused. Alec shrugs, figures he's looking for something, and puts the book he was going to put there up. Raphael shoots him a dirty look that might as well be a stab, and Alec's like ???????? did i disrupt you? sorry? and Raphael just crosses his arms like "you didnt do anything, i dont know what you're talking about"

in reality the shelf was too high up because Magnus adjusted his shelves to his and Alec's height, and Raphael refused to stand on his tiptoes or god forbid, a stool, to grab his book, so he was just glaring at the shelf until the book came to him or something. and when Alec put the book up he was mad cuz Alec could reach it fjdndid

later Alec tells Magnus about it like "i dont get what i did. is he just that private?" and Magnus is like "hmm. i have no idea, darling" but next time Raphael comes, the shelves have been spelled to adjust to the book picker's height

also this always makes me think of that scene in hsm where zeke tries to talk to sharpay and she goes "evaporate, tall person!" and leaves and i love that mental image tbh

also like. eventually Alec apologizes for the punching thing (look. look. Im still salty and Raphael deserves it okay) and Raphael is like. moved because something deep inside of him still believed it was his fault and he was a monster, and it's. nice. and Alec kind of extends his arms and Raphael is like "dont think so" and crosses his arms and Alec kind of very very slowly lifts his arm and pats Raphael's head once and Raphael wants to scream and Alec looks very awkward and sheepish and Magnus bursts out laughing

(Raphael doesnt mind, though, because Magnus is genuinely so happy all day that they had a good interaction. so happy. and Raphael thinks, okay, this is okay. it's good if it makes Magnus happy.)

(Magnus also pats his head and plays with his hair, but its okay because Magnus has always done that and Raphael doesnt mind. only from him though. and raphael's partners. but anyway)

plus whenever Magnus is like, upset, or sick or something, theyre like. an unit. because for all they have no common interests they do think very alike (autistic solidarity i guess) and are very practical when it comes to taking care of others, and they both just. adore Magnus, okay. so Raphael will arrive, make Magnus soup. while he makes soup, Alec stays with him and takes his temperature. once Raphael is back with the soup, Alec goes out to buy medicine, and Raphael stays with him to make him company. and so on. at some point Alec is almost falling asleep by Magnus' side and Raphael taps his shoulder and points to the chair nearby, and Alec nods and dozes off for a while. then its the other way around. Magnus isnt seriously sick, of course, but he doesn't usually get sick so it's an event, plus they're both Like This. and for all the grief they give each other, they trust each other to take care of Magnus. theres no argument about that

(Magnus was resting, but he did see some of these moments, and smiled a bit to himself before dozing off again)

also Raphael and Ragnor gave Alec the ultimate shovel talk (Ragnor doesn't trust anyone after Camille, and while neither do cat and dot, they were more chill), but it lowkey backfired because they were like "if you ever hurt him, we'll remove your kneecaps" and Alec was like "(nodding seriously) thats fair"

also i know we've talked about this already but i also love the idea that Raphael goes to their house and is all absentmindedly like "hm can i have some coffee" and alec's like "sure, ill make it :) you stay here and talk to Magnus" and when Alec comes back he hands Raphael his coffee in a "best. bonus son. ever" mug and then he leans back against the wall, sipping his own coffee from his "world's #1 stepdad" mug that he bought himself, trying to hide his shit eating grin, and Raphael scowls and deliberately holds it so his hand covers the words, and Magnus laughs and his eyes shine as he sips his tea.

(later, Raphael is like. guess me and lightwood have a dynamic now. gross. but he still rolls with it)

in short Raphael and Alec being little shits to each other but still building something of a relationship for Magnus and always taking care of him..... ultimate trope

[staticscreenwriting]

I don’t love you // Chapter 1

Chapter One - Bluebird 

Synopsis: Jess is over Rory, only he’s not. Olivia is tired of trying to find the one piece missing from her life, only she’s not. A wedding, a bus ride, a lost notebook and an unforseen offer bring these two together and spark the idea that maybe the best people do enter your life in the most unexpected ways. A/N: I’ve uploaded parts of this story before on a blog specifically dedicated to it but I want most of my writing in one place so here’s a reupload. This is NOT a literati fic! 

" There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him,I say, stay in there,

I'm not going to let anybody see you. "

- Bluebird (Charles Bukowski)

There was an ice cold beer clutched in his hand, half empty already, and a lady to his right that had been trying to engage in a conversation about the weather for the last 15 minutes. None of that really mattered, none of that he really acknowledged.

There was only her. Her dancing and laughing and singing along to the cheesy pop songs he knew she'd never admit to liking but secretly sang along to at home when she thought no one was watching. Her and the way her hair that had been perfectly pinned back earlier was now slowly coming undone, strands framing her perfect face that had changed so much and yet so little in all this time.

Her and her all consuming, breathtaking, heart shattering beauty. Her and all the memories of all the feelings that had ever been there and would always be there.

God, he was so screwed.

This was the "I love you" all over again, the Yale visit, the open house. He had honestly thought he had left this part of his past behind. That he was over her. He had tried over and over and it never ended with a happily ever after for him, not with her. Maybe they just weren't meant to be.

He had really thought he'd learned his lesson and yet here he was staring at her and wondering if he'd ever completely get over her or if he might be doomed to forever be in love with Rory Gilmore.

" You know if you keep staring at her any longer it's gonna change from kinda cute to downright creepy, right ?! " he heard his younger cousin's voice speak up as she plopped down in the seat to his right, the weather lady had apparently gotten the hint that he was not interested in a conversation with her and had wandered off at some point.

" What do you know ? Aren't you busy being edgy, smoking, finding yourself ? " he replied and gave April little smirk and a friendly shove with his shoulder. She was a peculiar one his cousin, had been since the first time he'd met her but she'd done a lot of growing up over the years and had turned from a strange kid into quite the smart and witty adult, pseudo hippy phase and all.

" Haha, aren't you funny, Jess. Seriously though, what's up with the longing looks ? "

" Ah you know, just figuring out that I'm still in love with the girl I dated when I was in high school. The girl that made me change into the person I am today. The girl that is the sole reason I became a better person. " Is what he thought but there was no way in hell Jess would ever talk about his feelings. Ever. " Don't know what you're talking about. "

" Sure you don't. Just sayin' you could go over there and actually talk to her instead of glaring a hole through her head."

That he could do, but what would he say ?

"Hey Rory, sorry to interrupt but I just realized that part of me is still madly in love with you. " ?

" Oh hi there Rory, been watching you all night wondering if we ever stood a chance, wondering if we still might stand one. Wondering if this could ever be us, getting married and all that. " ?

Those were the things that were ghosting through his head but he'd be damned if he ever told those to anyone, especially Rory. He'd tried that before, multiple times, and look how that turned out. To be fair one of those times he ran off, but that was only that one time.

No, there really wasn't anything he could tell her that would change anything about this situation. She had enough on her plate as it was, she was writing a book for god's sake and if anyone knew how stressful and chaotic that time is, it was Jess. The last thing she'd need was him bringing up old feelings and confusion.

" There's nothing to talk about. "

" Okay, James Dean. I know that whole repressing your emotions deal runs in the family and works well with the grumpy mysterious guy image you're trying to maintain but that needs to stop. You're clearly still into this girl and I'm not gonna sit here and watch you throw away what might be your last shot at your epic love story. "

" Oh Jesus when did you start getting so corny. Does Lorelei make you watch 80s romcoms when you're over at their place ? Does Luke know she's doing this to you ? "

" Jess, I'm serious. Sometimes you gotta fight for the things you want. "

For the first time in a while Jess left his gaze drift from Rory and turned towards his cousin.

" I'm 33 years old, April. I'm done fighting over girls, fighting for girls. Things either work out or they don't and they obviously didn't for me and her. "

" But what if you're her Luke ? "

" What if I'm not ? What if I don't want to be ? I don't want her to settle for me after years and years of trying. I want to be a conscious decision. For once in my life I want someone to chose me. Not because of a feeling of guilt or nostalgia or comfort or because they feel like they owe me or because they feel responsible. I'm done with this. I can't do it all over again. "

A silence settled upon them as neither of them really knew where those words had suddenly come from. If there was one thing you didn't except from Jess Mariano it was as sudden outburst of honest emotions.

" Okay. "

" Okay ? "

" Okay, I get it. I didn't mean to push you to do something you don't want to do. I just wanted to help. I want you to be happy. "

" I am happy. "

" Are you ? "

Was he ? Yeah. Sure. Truncheon was going well, he liked his job, liked his coworkers, his friends. He had his own little apartment & his own car. He was in the process of coming up with ideas for a second book. He wasn't particularly phased by the fact that he'd been single for a while now either. Whenever he felt like it Jess had no problem sweet talking a girl at a bar. Girls, he had found out a while ago, were totally into the broody writer persona.

Was he truly happy though ? He didn't know.

" Yeah. "

" Okay. "

" Look, April. You know I'm not big on the whole family reunion stuff, especially here in Stars Hollow where half the population still holds a grudge against me. I came for Luke but he and Lorelei ran off a while ago so there's really no harm in me leaving too, right ? "

It was the truth, Jess wasn't particularly thrilled about returning to the Connecticut town he'd spend some time in as a teenager, but there was no way in hell he could've said no to Luke. The man had done more for him than anyone in his entire life, his mom included. He'd been one of the few who'd believed in him when even Jess himself had almost lost hope that he'd ever amount to something. He owed Luke so much and showing up to his wedding was the least he could do.

" You've been drinking. "

" Last bus is leaving in 20 minutes. "

" To Philly ? That's a long ass drive, Jess. Are you sure you don't wanna crash at the apartment above Luke's and leave tomorrow ? "

" I got a book with me, it'll be fine. No offense April, but if I don't leave now I'm just getting sucked back into things that I should've left behind a long time ago."

" What about your car ? "

" I was thinking, maybe my favorite cousin would like to come visit me in Philadelphia before she goes back home, and maybe she could bring my car with her? " April stared at him for a moment and Jess could see the gears turning in her head, trying to come up with an idea to get him to stay. His mind was made up though, if he'd stay he'd have to get drunk and if there was one place Jess Mariano didn't want be drunk at, it was the town center of Stars Hollow with his ex girlfriend in close proximity.

" Alright " April said and let out a defeated sigh " Be careful and don't talk to any sleazy looking guys. "

" Yeah okay, mom. " Jess replied and took a last sip on his now empty bottle of beer.

As he got up off the chair, Jess' glance wandered back over to Rory. He could go after her, fight for her, show her the man he was today and how this was all for her. He could. But he didn't. Because he was scared ? Maybe. But also because he was just tired. Tired of running after the same girl over and over again. Always failing.

" Just so you know, I don't think you're doing the right thing. Just running from your emotions. " April spoke up. " Well cousin, I don't think you're doing the right thing getting your nose pierced and acting like a pothead when they could probably sell you oregano without you noticing. Yet here I am, accepting your decisions. "

" You're an ass. " April responded as a small smirk tugged at the corners of her lips.

" That's family. Thought you'd be used to that by now. Seriously though, don't worry about me kid. "

" That's family, Jess. We always worry. Thought you'd be used to that by now " She replied with a smile before walking away, back into the sea of Stars Hollow residents that were singing and dancing to some obscure 90s popsong.

This family, his family, was quite honestly a mess. It was a family though, something he hadn't had for the longest time. And no matter how strange or broken over overly intrusive or annoying they were, they meant the world to him. Because they were his people and to them, to Luke and April he was a conscious decision. It was their decision to care and to worry and Sometimes you gotta admit defeat.

With one last look towards Rory, the girl that changed it all, Jess turned his back towards the gazebo covered in dozens of fairy lights and the quirky town that surrounded it and took on the walk towards the bus stop. Maybe April was right and he was just running from his emotions and his crippling fear of rejection. But so what ? Sometimes you gotta let yourself be scared to save yourself from pain.

Sometimes you gotta run.

[calumance]

LA Devotee - Part I

Warnings: cursing, drinking, divorce, smoking, depression

Word Count: 3.2k

Summary: Emily went through a pretty rough divorce when she got a new job that involved moving to a different state. After moving, her best friend has continuously tried to cure her depression, but nothing has worked. It’s not until she meets the brown eyed man in the club that maybe life will start looking clearer

A/N: Hello!!! Oh my gosh, I finally reached 400 followers!! So, to celebrate this milestone, I am posting the first chapter to a fic I have been working on for, like, two months, but have kind of kept to myself. I hope you all like it, let me know if you want to read more!! 😊 

           The door locked with a click as the deadbolt set into place. As I turn around I am welcomed by the boxes stacked high that I have yet to unpack. It’s been three weeks since I moved here, and I’ve continuously put off unpacking, even on the weekends when I absolutely nothing to do. It’s not that I don’t want to unpack, it’s just because I’m lazy (which might be a side effect of the crushing depression). A sigh escapes from my lungs causing my chest to fall and I step my way into my drab apartment. Just as I get to the fridge to pull a Smirnoff Ice out of the fridge, the mail was dropped through the metal slot and onto the floor. As I twist the metal cap off the drink, my eyes catch sight of a large orange colored envelope. I took a large swig of the drink, not taking my eyes off the envelope. My heart sinks knowing exactly what was in that envelope.

           The glass of the bottle clanks as I roughly set it on the counter and make my way to the envelope. I squat down and pick up the envelope and my heart instinctually starts to race. My finger quiver as I turn the envelope around in my hands. The contents of this envelope are the exact reason I am standing in this tiny apartment surrounded by the boxes that contain my entire life. My eyes close and I drop my right hand, still holding onto the envelope while my left elbow rests on my knee and my hand slides down my face. I think about crumbling them, maybe even lighting them on fire. Three months ago, this had all been completely mutual, but as the process went on, it became completely one sided.

            The office was cold and smelled like wet wood. An interesting smell for the inside of a lawyer’s office. I looked out the window towards the downtown skyline. The glass touched my lips and I took a drink of whatever whiskey the lawyer’s assistant had gotten me. A man behind me cleared his throat, causing me to jump and spin around. Mr. Hernandez was standing in the doorway holding onto some papers. The look on his face told me that what he was about to say was not about to be good. As much as I wanted to set my drink down, there was a voice in my head telling me to hold onto it. “He, uh, didn’t accept the conditions and came back with new ones.”

           “What the fuck do you mean he didn’t accept the conditions? I felt like I was being MORE than reasonable saying we should split everything 50/50.” I stomped toward him and snatched the papers out of his hands and started reading. My eyes scanned over every word on the page as I carefully took in the new conditions. The rage in my stomach started to boil, to the point where I was physically trembling. I was right in not putting down my drink, because I threw my head back and downed the remaining amber liquid. My hand slammed the glass down and I held my breath for a second so I wouldn’t start yelling. “This motherfucker wants to take everything I have? Why? What the hell did I do to him? He’s the one who decided to divorce me when I told him I got a new job and have to move to LA.” My eyes connected with Mr. Hernandez’s, who was obviously feeling the same pain I was feeling. I dropped the papers to my side and closed my eyes and let the tears fall. “Fine, tell him I accept. I don’t care anymore. I just want enough that I can move to LA without sinking.”

           Mr. Hernandez nodded and had me sign on the line that said I agreed to the conditions, even though I didn’t. Over the years I had learned how to deal with him, and deal with all the shit he threw at me, but this, this reminded me of just how miserable he has made me for the past five years. After Mr. Hernandez walked out of the room, I knew that my life was over, or at least this part of it. The book of my early adulthood was finally coming to an end. Maybe moving to LA was going to be good for me. A fresh new start, away from the guy who took so much of my youth away from me. It took a minute before Mr. Hernandez came back into the room, and when he did, he didn’t seem too surprised that I literally hadn’t moved. “So, the papers will be filed tomorrow. In the State of Colorado it takes about 90 days for the divorce to be final. We will mail you the completed files to your new address in California. If you need anything else Ms. Williams,” My heart skipped and I cringed when he used my maiden name, only digging the reality of how real this was further into my heart, “Please, let me know.”

           My eyes sprung open and I ripped the envelope open. The envelope fell to the ground as I pulled the finalized divorce papers out. The fire in the pit of my stomach raged as I read through everything I was entitled to and everything he was entitled to. He took everything from me, the only thing I was entitled to was the money I put down on the house we bought together, my clothes, and anything my mom had bought for us. Everything else was his, he was still living in the house I put the money down on, he still had our dogs, he still had everything. I stood up and tossed the papers onto the counter and grabbed my drink. My head tilted back, and I chugged the whole drink down. I grabbed a second drink and walked out of the kitchen towards the couch. As I fell back onto the couch, it moved backwards causing it to make a screeching noise across the hardwood floor.

           The annoying sound of my phone ringing caused me to groan out loud. The name on the phone is that of my newest friend, and also my best friend, Mikayla. “Hello?” I answer, not really wanting to talk to her, but it was better than sitting here wallowing in my own self-pity.

           “Emily! What are you doing right now? No, wait don’t answer that, because every time you do, I just end up feeling bad for you.” She wasn’t wrong, I’m pretty much a miserable person. I have been since I got my life ripped out from underneath me. “It’s Friday night, you should go out with Trevor and me. We’re going to this club that is supposed to super fun.”

           There was no way I was going to catch myself in a club. Drinking by myself at home sounded just fine for a Friday night, “No, I’ll pass, thanks though.” She complained in my ear consistently for five minutes, and just because I wanted her to shut up, I gave in, “Fuck, okay! I’ll go, but I’ve already been drinking.”

           She squealed, obviously a lot more excited about going out than me, “That’s fine, Trevor and I will come and pick you up. Dress cute!” She hung up before I could even protest. My eyes scanned all of the boxes. There had to be a good club outfit in there somewhere.

           It took a while, but I finally found myself standing in front of my mirror wearing a blue spaghetti strap dress that was form fitting and looked as if it was a wrap, coming to an upside-down V in the front. In another box I pulled out a pair of sparkly gold four-inch pumps. I curled my shoulder length blonde and pink hair and plastered my face with a classy smoky eye and a deep red lipstick. There was a knock on my door, bringing me out of my thoughts. I threw my leather jacket over my arms and flicked my hair out of the back. When I swung the door open, Mikayla gasped. “Emily, you clean up so nicely, I mean, not that you look bad at work, just like, damn.”

           “Thanks, can we go now, because the sooner we leave, the sooner I can come home.” Before we left, Mikayla managed to look at the inside of my apartment. She looked at me with a concerned look, but I brushed it off, just as I do with every concerned look I get. My mom gives me a lot of those looks when I am facetiming her. I’m not saying she shouldn’t give me those looks, but I am saying I’m allowed to be hurt and be depressed after my life was literally signed away from me. I am allowed a grieving period, even if it is longer than it should be.

           “I, uh, got the finalized papers in the mail today.” I said in a monotone voice as we reached Trevor’s car.

           Mikayla stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me, “Oh, shit, Emily. Are you alright?”

           The door handle popped as I pulled it open. My hand grabbed the door as I gathered my thoughts and turned to Mikayla. “Yeah,” I nodded, “Yeah, I’m okay.” That was a lie.

           All the people in the club were standing shoulder to shoulder, which immediately put me on edge. The only place that didn’t have a lot of people was the bar, telling me that most of the people in this place were too young to purchase drinks. Mikayla and Trevor went off towards the dancefloor while I went off towards the bar. I pulled out a barstool and took my jacket off, placing it on the back of the barstool. The bartender had to yell at me over the music to get my order, which just solidified how terrible of an idea this was. After I yelled back at the bartender, I looked around. There were a few people at the bar, a majority of them just being there to get their drinks and head out to the dancefloor. And there was only me and two other people sitting on the barstools, which this barstool is where I intended on being all night.

           To my right, at the end of the bar there was a man, most likely around the same age as me, taking a sip out of his drink. There was something about him that completely caught my attention. His hair was blonde, but it couldn’t be a natural blonde since his eyebrows were a dark black. In the dark, it was hard to see what color his eyes were, but they had to be a dark shade considering in the darkness of the club, his eyes looked black. He laughed at something the bartender said to him, and his smile lit up the whole space around him. My eyes diverted when he looked towards me, obviously knowing that I was staring at him. When he looked away from me, I looked at him again. He was wearing a black button up shirt that was unbuttoned and a black tank top underneath. He pants were the same color as blue jeans, but they did not appear to be the same material. He has tattoos on his hands, but from my spot, it’s hard to make out what they are. My eyes travel up his left arm and note the multiple tattoos on his arm. He looks at me again, and I dart my eyes in a different direction, grabbing my phone, hoping that I don’t look like a creep.

           My finger flicks across the screen with a rhythm as I scroll through my phone. Suddenly, the bartender places a drink in front of me, causing me to look up from my phone. I look at the bartender, confused, since I hadn’t asked for another drink yet. “It’s compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar, he said he likes your leather jacket.” The bartender shrugged and pushed the drink towards me. Reluctantly, I grabbed the drink and looked towards the guy who had caught me staring at him twice. I held the drink up and nodded my head towards him in a silent ‘thank you.’ After I took a few sips of my drink, I set the glass down and continued to scroll through my phone.

           Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the man starting to move. Even though I continued to look at my phone, I concentrated on him. He stood from his seat and placed his hands in his pockets. He walked closer to me, and surprised me when he leaned towards my ear, “I’m going to step outside, would you like to join me?” As I looked towards him, he was walking out of the bar area and into the crowd. I thought about if I wanted to go with him or not. If I went with him, there was a small chance I could get murdered, but I mean I could get murdered in here too. In all reality, I could get murdered anywhere. Fuck it, I thought to myself.

           I grabbed my jacket and my phone and squeezed my way through the crowd, and out the front door of the club. It was nice to feel the fresh air, and it was nice to be able to hear my thoughts again. He was standing off to the side, lighting a cigarette. My hands dug deeper into my pockets as I stepped down the stairs and the few feet down the sidewalk towards him. He looked at me through a partially opened eye and smiled, “Look, if you’re going to murder me, just get it over with.” My heels were already making my feet hurt, causing me to shift my weight a few times to find a comfortable standing position.

           He laughed at my comment, and his laugh sent a shiver down my spine. “Definitely not going to murder you. You just look really miserable in there.” He offered me his cigarette and as much as I wanted to, I waved my hand declining his offer. “Why’d you come to a club if you were just going to sit at the bar on your phone?” He asked before taking another drag.

           I laughed and looked out into the street as a car drove by, “Don’t want to give anyone the impression that I chose to come here.” I shrugged my shoulders until my shoulders were touching my ears and then dropped them heavily. “My friend and her boyfriend dragged me here when I was more than happy getting drunk on my couch by myself.”

            He nodded taking the last drag of his cigarette. He flicked the butt of the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe a few times to make sure it was out. Once he was sure it was out, he flicked the butt into the street. “Then why don’t we get out of here then?”

           I took a step back, slightly offended, “Listen, I’m definitely not out here to try to get laid or anything. Don’t start thinking that I came out here because I want to suck your dick or something.” Not that I didn’t think he was one of the most attractive people I’ve ever laid my eyes on, I’m just not that kind of person.

           He raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes while laughing. I could finally tell that he had chocolate brown eyes, and there was something in his eyes that made me just want to get lost in them. “Woah, okay.” He laughed again, “I wasn’t asking you to suck my dick, I was just asking if you wanted to leave. No sexual favors involved.” His laugh resonated in my ears, like I was listening to angels sing. There was something in my gut telling me to go with him, even though it could literally lead to a one hour special on Investigation Discovery.

           I pulled my phone from my pocket and texted Mikayla, “Hey, I am going to catch a ride home, I guess this isn’t going to be my cure after all. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” My phone made a wooshing sound as the message sent and I looked at the brown eyed man standing in front of me. “Sure, but I need to go pay for my drinks.”

           He pulled his keys out of his pocket, causing them to jingle, as I turned to walk back into the club. “Don’t worry about that, I already paid for them.”

           I stopped dead in my tracks and tilted my head a bit confused, and now slightly angry. Not even entirely sure why I was angry, the feeling just suddenly took over my whole body. I spun on my heels and took a few steps closer to him. “Why did you pay for my drinks? Did you know you were going to get me to go home with you, or what the fuck where you planning?”

           His eyes grew big as my sudden outburst of anger shocks him. “Uh, nope, not trying to do anything. I paid for your drinks because I was being nice to the attractive woman a few seats down from me at the bar. I wasn’t planning on taking anyone home with me, if that means anything to you. I was on the edge of trying to go home myself, just thought I’d like to talk to you in a more quiet setting. I’m sorry if that looks bad, I meant nothing bad of it.”

           My heart beat slowed as I realized I was literally acting crazy. Never in my life have I had a random guy pay for my drinks to be nice. As I took a deep breath I ran my finger and my thumb across my forehead, trying to send a silent message that I’m not always this insane. “I’m sorry, I just- never mind. I’ll follow you to your car and you can take me wherever you want to go, just get me away from this place, and please don’t murder me.”

           A smirk formed on his lips as he nodded and turned to walk away from the club. Even though I agreed to go with him, I still was reluctant to follow him. We were silent, the only sound between us being my heels clicking every time they made contact with the cement. I watched my feet so I wouldn’t fall, but looked up at him every so often. My mom would be losing her mind right now if she knew I was leaving a club with someone I’d literally never met. My phone vibrating consistently told me Mikayla was having an absolute panic attack. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and shut it off. “My name’s Calum, by the way.”

           My head flicked up to look at him, he was holding out his hand as if for a handshake. I placed my phone back in my pocket and looked into his deep brown eyes. “I’m Emily.” Our hands clasped together and I couldn’t help but notice how well they fit together. He smiled a wide smile and shook my hand once.

           “It’s very nice to meet you, Emily.”

Part II

[harrysdimples]

evermore track by track review (reaction?)

you know what time it is babieeeeeee......

willow

lovely little plucky guitar. I like the piano arrangement in the background. her vocals sound really lovely in the chorus and in the back of the second verse. i’m going to try and judge this as a separate project from folklore because it’s supposed to be just a complementary project but inevitably there will be comparisons. the 1 as an opening track is probably my preference over this I think on first listen. the bridge (?) is probably my favourite part of the song before the 90s trend line lol (just takes me out the song, kinda like the tweet line that’s in the lakes) but her vocals and how mature her voice sounds are just really light and airy and it’s nice to hear. but this is a lot more rhythmic than most of folklore which is something I appreciate and has enough dynamics so that you’re not bored, although the outro could’ve maybe been shortened a bit (but that’s a nitpicky thing lol). that’s her man!

ok I realised half way through happiness that I HAD PUT THE ALBUM ON SHUFFLE BY ACCIDENT WHICH IS BLASPHEMOUS AND SOMETHING I HATE DOING. I apologise sincerely lmao every song after this is in order with the album track list.

happiness

love a synth. ‘I can’t face reinvention’ ok bitch call me out ??? the lyrics are very lovely, as always. what’s/who’s this about ? lmao. it’s very pretty but not sure it’s going anywhere? more instrumentation could’ve maybe elevated this song just because I feel the lyrics are so flowery and beautiful that they deserve to either be in complete isolation (like from the dining table’s production) or some grandiose orchestral arrangement to properly show off how great and genuinely heartbreaking they are. I have no doubt at some point i’ll lie in the dark at some point and sob to this though loooool.

champagne problems 

ah bitch. the opening line already got me. again, the lyrics on this one are cutting me deep and I really like the production in the second half of the song, it really picks up the song when I was worried the production wasn’t going to be for me. the background vocals and harmonies are lovely. I think the lyricism of this song is so important and reminds me of what jack said in the long pond sessions about people with mental health issues never receiving proper recognition for just doing as okay as they can be because to other people, it’s either not enough or they just don’t get how difficult it is to maintain that level of ‘normalcy’. The idea of people dismissing things as ‘champagne problems’ is so poignant when you think of the fact that so many people disregard mental health issues until they’re directly affected by it in some way and treat others as outsiders/bad apples/something to only remember as a cautionary tale and to be forgotten otherwise. the numbness of trying to feel things (like going on the train) and participating in life and trying to believe that you deserve something good, a relationship, love etc but knowing that people are only waiting for you to fail so they can inevitably move on is so sad. my favourite out of the 3 tracks so far.

gold rush

good old jack antonoff production. girl how many people are wanting to get with joe ???? I really like the lyricism again, and the ‘what must it be like to grow up that beautiful’ bit kinda reminds of olivia’s instrumentation for some reason lol. I wish this hit a little harder because it’s on the precipice of greatness but doesn’t get quite there for me, kinda like the archer. loved the production, but I had anticipated it to have this big build up which it didn’t quite hit for me. I am listening to this currently at night with my blinds shut but I know that when it’s in the daytime/sun this will sound so good, so i’m excited to replay this one. update: it’s the next day and I LOVE this.

tis the damn season

hm. this one was pretty middling for me i’m ngl. I don’t think i’ve had enough love/life experience to really relate to this that much (which isn’t taylor or the song’s fault obvs) but I found it hard to ~connect to and the production didn’t really excite me enough to feel too passionate about it. very much enjoyed the “So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends, Who'll write books about me, if I ever make it” line though lol!

tolerate it

I really like this. really encapsulated the feeling of trying your hardest to meet someone’s expectations of you/your relationship and fitting yourself into parameters to suit their needs/what they want and yet you’re still considered on the outskirts of their life. Trying desperately to make that person care as much as you do for them, but in reality your actions just further the reasons why they don’t want you and why your actions are ignored/silently belittled. Feels like this is a good companion piece to a lot of the folklore tracks and could’ve fitted on that album yet is still different enough to stand out. will def be coming back to this.

no body, no crime (feat. HAIM)

ok so taylor’s having her before he cheats moment?? someone should be working on a mashup asap. you know i’m a sucker for country yeehaw bops so i’ll definitely be playing this on repeat lol, so far probably the most upbeat track along with gold rush and this is probably my favourite track so far. the storytelling through the lyricism is fabulous and I really love the little production elements like danielle saying “she was with me dude” lol, I don’t have a lot of experience/references for “real” country music so if this is a little corny idk but I like it anyway lmao

dorothea

this was a sweet song, might be completely off the mark with this interpretation, but I sort of viewed this as taylor speaking to her younger self and telling her how she can always go back to who she was after becoming too enchanted with fame and the troubles that come with it/experiencing the consequences of fame, and that inevitably it’ll be okay in the end. a nice reassuring, pleasant song. not sure how much replay value it’ll have for me personally but I appreciate it :’)

coney island feat. the national

I like this for the most part. I think it’ll be a grower but I can see this moving up in my ranks once I listen to it a bit more. the second half of the song after the bridge is definitely better than the first and I really like it, but the first half isn’t my favourite. I think within some of the lyrics there are some clunky lines and I’m not sure how well the dueting partner works (idk if that’s aaron dessner or someone else?) but I think another softer (?) male voice could’ve gone better with it, or just taylor herself. the instrumentation and production on this song is fantastic though and I really love the bridge (although the idea of joe and taylor coming together to write about all of taylor’s exes makes me lol)

ivy:

the chord progression really reminds me of like 80% of folklore and idk if this track was “necessary” even though she’s perfectly entitled to her art obvs. but in the context of the album idk if this was needed, probably the most filler-like of all of them so far (for me personally). it’s sort of like a long poem to me and the subject matter of infidelity is always interesting when taylor covers it, but idk, this didn’t do too much for me on first listen

cowboy like me

this feels like a movie or video game soundtrack song, I always appreciate a good guitar solo and the instrumentation in this song is great. I don’t know how much this goes anywhere until the bridge but I love the line “now you hang from my lips, like the gardens of babylon, with your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con”. I think this has the potential to be a major grower on me though purely bc of how melodic it is and how “vibey” it is.

long story short

yeah this wasn’t really for me. I can appreciate it’s objectively a well produced song with some good lyrics, it just didn’t really click for me sadly upon first listen.

marjorie

yeah so this made me sob. as some of you may know I lost my grandma two weeks ago suddenly so...yeah, this song just really hit me. this is a beautiful track.

closure

what is going on here on this day lmao? reaaaaaaallly not a fan of the production and the synthetic (?) drums that were used on this track and I don’t think the use of repetition in the chorus’ lyricism really works that well here. idk it just feels a little unfinished to me

evermore feat. bon iver

I think this is too lyrically dense for my brain to properly intake after the long road it took to get to this track lol so I think i’ll need some time with it. I don’t think bon iver’s addition works as well as exile but I like the second half of the song which he’s in, in comparison to the first half, it does kinda feel like two songs put into one though. taylor’s vocals sound nice though. 

in conclusion:

favourites: tolerate it, gold rush, champagne problems, no body, no crime, marjorie

in between/grower: cowboy like me

meh: tis the damn season, willow, doreathea, evermore

didn’t really like: ivy, long story short, closure

I feel like i’m going to be crucified for saying this but this feels like a lover-fied version of folklore ajfkhsas if that makes ANY sense to anyone but my own brain. I said when I did this same kind of post for folklore that the album did what the concept for lover tried to do (the love letter to different kinds of love) 10x better and I was happy to see this kind of direction from her. I still love folklore and I think it’s a true piece of art and it ranks high in my tiers of taylor albums, but this just kinda misses the mark for me for the most part (on first listen). It’s very lyrically dense, which is nice, but much less accessible than folklore to me in terms of melodies and the overall structure of some of the songs, which is again, fine, but not necessarily what I had anticipated going into this album and generally usually isn’t my thing. for all that i’ve said about jack’s production in some songs on previous albums of taylor’s, his presence here is missed imo. I’ve expressed that I don’t particularly enjoy long albums because eventually the flow of the album is lost, and that is true here. around the ivy/long story short stretch it kinda loses ground which is a shame because there is some beautiful lyricism in there, but it’s even more susceptible to risking being brought down by the sequencing when it’s a sister album to another project and will end up being compared to that and the tracks there. given the style of music this is in, the fact that it’s a sister album and so long, it’s got a lot against it and I don’t know if it manages to overcome those hurdles for me personally. It’s like what harry said about sequencing, the track listing is so important imo to the purpose and arc of the album that you want to tell and I feel like there could’ve been a lot more “editing” of this project to make it stand up to the highs of folklore imo, or potentially editing down folklore to combine it with some of the really strong tracks on evermore like goldrush, no body no crime etc. I don’t know if the narrative of this album is unique enough to stand against folklore and some of taylor’s other albums for me. I will be returning to these songs for sure, but the sequencing and overall structure of this album kinda lets it down. I can’t help but ponder if this album will age well in comparison to folklore, or both albums will age well with the narrative fuelling it being created in quarantine and as a product of boredom. if folklore wins AOTY at the grammys (which it seems it’s secured to at this point), it’s going to be tied to the “corona year” so it’ll be interesting to see where these projects end up and how well received they are in years to come vs taylor’s other projects and how they’ve aged. we’ll see! i’d probably give it a 7.5/10 in comparison to the 9/10 for folklore.