#okay but what /really/ counts as an uncomfortable close-up grantaire-wannabe

[shitpostingfromthebarricade]

The long-awaited and much-anticipated Drunk Les Mis summary

(This is the second time I've had to restart because people just really want to talk with me on WhatsApp immediately Right Now)

(dem horns holy shit, How dare Davies intentionally deny this score????)

We have Everyman in prison (his name is literally the blandest name Huge-hoe could summon--anyway, normal dude trying to do good) for a petty crime

The Cop has a hard-on for following laws no matter how silly and minor

(so Everyman and Cop obv don't get along in the traditional sense)

(seriously this score is so fucking good, Davies Why)

So being out of prison doesn't treat Everyman so well

Colm Wilkison The Bishop is actual perfection (I've gotten this far in the FMA translation, he is as close to perfection as The Hoe could write Is2G)

Anyway Everyman tries to steal some silverware, but Bishop pulls a fast one on everyone and gives Everyman even more silver so he can get a clean start

Everyman decides to make the most of his Second Chance because Damn, Bishop is just startling Good; parole papers are torn, it's A Thing

So eight years later, Everyman is mayor of a town and owns a factory that a chick named Fantine works at

Fantine has a secret kid but won't give in to sexual harassment (not from Everyman), so she's fired

Which is real bad for her because Fantine basically gives her whole life away for this lil' baby tucked away Elsewhere (Montfermeil)

Everyman discovers this, feels bad about, it, and promises to care for Metaphor for Hope of the Future

Everyman earns his livelihood for the next Many Years by saving this dude from a carriage which simultaneously totally exposes his secret identity (Stronk Man™) to Cop--this includes consciously allowing Cop to know who he is

(in the novel he gets arrested in the process and has to break out and waits for a year before getting the kid but w/e)

But yeah, in the meantime Cop catches Everyman out, and Everyman escapes to rescue Metaphor for Hope of Future from Metaphor for Everything Bad Ever but loses his position as mayor in addition to the right for any person outside of the church to know them, I guess

So Everyman and Metaphor for Hope of the Future are living in Paris 9 years later alongside Metaphor for Everything Bad Ever and Cop

There's a lot of characters representative of Revolution (Greatest Characters Ever™) who we won't get into because they're all slated to die and I don't want you getting emotionally attached like the rest of the Les Mis community

Metaphor for Hope of Future and Metaphor for Something I can't Concisely Determine fall in love. W/e, heteros

There's multiple songs dedicated to revolution and Greatest Characters Ever™, but plotwise technically they're not all that significant unless you look at historical content and symbolism and whatnot (sorry Baes, I still love you)

So Greatest Characters Ever™ die but Metaphor for for Something I Can't Concisely Determine survives by Everyman's hand (also Spirit of the Revolution and Symbol of The People die hand-in-hand) despite that Cop tries to stand in the way of All Of This

(no really, Greatest Characters Ever™ have more symbolic importance, but I don't have nearly the bulletpoints to get into those nuances) (also drunk)

Cop starts questioning everything he stands for in the face of Greatest Characters Ever™'s cause/sacrifice and Everyman having the opportunity to kill Cop but not

(holy shit the score is so good???) (Why would anyone brag about abandoning this excellence??????)

PARISIAN SEWERS

Cop has the ultimate chance to finally take Everyman in/kill him but finds that he cannot, so he handles his emotions like anyone would and literally kills himself

(excessive bonecracking sound effects are included so you know there's no sequel where he somehow survived and comes back)

Everyman doesn't know this though and is worried about Metaphor for Hope of the Future, so he tells Metaphor for Something I Can't Concisely Determine that he's leaving and not to follow him or tell MftHotF

MfSICCD obv caves immediately, and after he discovers that Everyman saved him at the barricade he and MftHotF track Everyman down to where he's trying to die in peace in a church

So MftHotF and MfSICCD are the only survivors, but everyone else (including Cop because he had a change of heart and we like him now--this is my HC, leave me alone) is at The Big Barricade in the Sky and living peacefully and waving flags

THE END.