#okai! so like the problem is (???) idk how to describe it sorry but like different art styles? idk how else to put it

[averlym]

in relation to ghost story refs, I remember E drew hao a long time ago but idk if it's still canon: https://www.tumblr.com/elliotly/732632844334153728/metronorth-doodles-left-to-right-hp-remy?source=share

*laughs* yes i know this one! thanks helpful anon :3

[tatteredtoby]

so incredibly sleepy. But. Ftm reader (Highschool au) with unsupportive parents x Simon (theater/theatre au as well)

A Panic/Anxiety attack will be described, so will transphobia and very uncomfortable sensations. Self misgendering, as well. (This is targeted towards myself!) If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to click the back button.

Angst that turns into fluff

Agluff!

You had bought a binder without your parent’s permission, and had been keeping it in the dressing room for the show. It was opening night, and you were playing a male character. Nothing could go wrong. You felt the adrenaline pumping, you were shaking out of excitement, then you remembered, your parents would be in the crowd that night.

Your chest starts heaving. Your vision blurs after it darts around. You land on the ground, backing into a set piece and hiding behind it. The happy shaking turns to terror induced shaking.

Your director yells out “5 minutes before show people!” Before noticing you. Oh Ms. Emily. She was so incredibly supportive. She gasps as she notices you, since you startled her with your heavy breathing.

She shuffles out onto stage, taking center and facing the audience.

“We have a small problem backstage. The show will be held back a few minutes, I am very sorry for this inconvenience.”

SMALL????

This was not small. Your world was closing in on you. It felt like Jell-O or Oobleck was being poured over you, or you were being cemented into a wall against your will. The binder only made it worse. It tightened around your armpits and sucked in your chest, which made the caving feeling worse. You fiddled with your costume before throwing off the excess pieces.

You barely notice the tall stature coming into view before you’re pulled out of deep water by two costumed hands.

“Hey, hey, im here, it’s me. It’s Simon. What’s wrong, can you say it or is it too much to talk about?” He gently utters, kneeling closer to you.

You barely babble out, “‘s too much..” Before your vision starts to go in and out. He notices. You’re swaying too much for it to be your normal rocking. He latches his hands onto you and pulls you into his chest, like a life raft after drowning at sea for centuries.

“I’m right here. It’s okay. Your parents won’t even notice. You can tell them that it was a casting issue, and you were just cast because of how they liked your auditions performance, alright?” He whispers, rubbing your back very gently.

“I gotcha. I gotcha.” He mutters, holding you closer to him. It feels like this hold is meant for a wounded dog, not a 17 year old gir-boy.

He cups your face like he would a wounded pigeon. He’s got eyeliner on. Specifically on his waterline. His cheeks are dusted with powdered blush. His arms are covered in black cloth, specifically for his role as a Crow. The entire show was written by you, only taken up by Ms. Emily and practically blocked by you in its entirety. You played Satans Cat. (Two little city animals who are a contrast difference to eachother go on a journey that changed them forever, or smth. Idk. Sleepy.) He wore big wings with straps on his thumbs to keep in place. You wore cat ears and a tail. You felt so good in your costume. You had many costume pieces to hide your chest, and you just looked so boyish all around.

“You alright now?” He asks, tone in his voice evident he’s trying to hide the fact he noticed you glancing for a prolonged period of time.

“Yea. I’ve got some time..I’ll go splash my face with water.”

“You’ll be alright, Felid.”

“That I will be, Corvus.”

————————————————————————————

very sleepy atm. I’m projecting as well. Felid comes ffrom the name for cat in fancy. Look up cat. And for “Corvus” look up Crow. I don’t got time to explain it.

Cramps kicking me in my stomach ballsack. This some bullshit.

[ladylooch]

a fic where nico fucks the reader in the shower?

A/N: Omg… I thought you would never ask 😉 Enjoy!!!! Also, Idk what it is about a man washing hair, but it gets me every time. Like it’s so sweet… and innocent.. and mundane.. but so romantic. AH!

Word Count: 2.3k

P.S. How do we like this banner 👇🏻? Is it clear to you what you’re getting into? I’m thinking of adding this to all my smut fics, but was curious on how it would be received. 

My second time in Switzerland with Nico is going swimmingly. We have indulged in amazing food, done some sight seeing, and explored a couple hiking trails through easy, lower elevation spots. I’m even starting to recognize my way around Bern when Nico and I visit the local cafe for espresso’s each morning.

But the Hischier family reunion is proving to be much deeper water than I anticipated. Nico told me it was a family party, but as we were walking in to the hotel event space, Luca explained it was a reunion. Nico had looked at me with concern, but I shrugged it off, wondering how hard this was actually going to be.

The problem? Not many of them speak fluent English and I don’t know more than a few words in Swiss German. I don’t think spewing swearwords at his extended family members is a good first impression. 

Nico was instantly pulled in so many different directions, as per usual. At first, we tried to stay together, but it became impossible with the size of the crowd and attention. I’ve had so many family members come up and try to speak to me. We sputter through the little English they know before they move along to someone else they can communicate with. The noise in the room is loud with laughter and animated talking. A throb is beginning to pulse through my brain. I try to ignore it, but know with my history, this will be a long night if I don’t find some quiet. Luckily, we have a room booked upstairs for the night to avoid any sort of traveling after the consumption of numerous adult beverages.

I scan the room for my husband. Nico is with his parents and a few cousins I’ve met before. I sneak up next to Nico, but the way Rino is standing, I can’t get completely into the circle. I awkwardly reach out and lace my fingers with Nico’s left hand, catching my finger prints on his ring. He looks over his shoulder at my touch and smiles, turning sideways to pull me in.

“Oh I’m sorry, y/n.” Rino says when he sees me, making even more room for me. Shit. I just wanted to let Nico know I was heading upstairs, not be consumed in another conversation. 

“It’s okay.” I give him a sweet smile and then drop my gaze to the floor. The group laughs at something Nico’s cousin is saying in Swiss German. I tilt my lips in acknowledgement, but it’s all I can muster right now. I turn to look into Nico’s face. He looks so happy and at ease. I feel shamefully guilty for wanting to leave, but I know if I stay here and continue to socialize, I’m going to start shutting down in overwhelm.

“Babe.” I whisper to him, hoping to only get his attention. It works. His brown eyes slide to me and his hand on my lower back pulls me tight as he leans his ear closer to me. “I’m going to go back to our room.” My voice stays at whisper level; he nods in acknowledgement.

“Are you okay?” He whispers against my ear after brushing our cheeks together.

“Yeah, I’m just… tired.” I say because I can’t think of what else to describe meeting every family member of your husband’s extended family in one night in which you can only communicate well with about four of them. Nico pulls slightly away and looks into my eyes. I know he can see what I mean. He gives me a reassuring, sweet kiss.

“Okay.” He turns so his back is blocking me from the group and he places a hand on my hip to nudge back. Then, he ushers me to leave without making a scene. My eyes flutter gratefully at him and I make a dash to leave without any more interruptions. As I leave, I can feel Nico’s eyes on me. Something about it feels possessive and my skin breaks out into goosebumps.

When I get to our room, I immediately begin to shed my clothes. Since leaving the loud space, my head has begun to pound in sync with my heartbeat at my temples. I know a nasty tension headache is coming for me. Despite cold showers being generally better for headaches, a warm one always helps ease mine away. I place my hands on the cool, porcelain sink and suck in a deep breath. The relief I feel at finally being alone consumes me. I am so tried and weirdly sore? The tension in my neck and shoulders needs to be rubbed away. I’m hopeful this shower will do the trick. 

I reach for the stainless steel knobs and turn the glass shower to a soothing heat. The water is hot, but not so hot that it will scald my skin. Instead, it will wrap around me like a warm blanket with the steam. I don’t bother to close the door to the bathroom, knowing there is no risk to unwanted eyes on me here. The Swiss sure know how to create an air of privacy and seclusion.

When I step into the shower, I sigh in happiness as the warm water begins to tap along my neck and shoulders. I dip my chin to rest almost against my chest and feel the releasing of my muscles. The steam swirls around my legs, wrapping them in it’s warmth. I close my eyes to allow the water to cascade over my face, taking my make up off with each drop. I already feel a little better. 

I grab my face wash and scrub at my eyes to get the remaining mascara off of them. The rest of my makeup washes away effortlessly with the soap. I hold my fingers to my temples and press into them for a count of ten, then release and feel the next edge of pain wash away with the water. I suck in another deep breath, holding it and then releasing it. I’m feeling better with each passing second.

I turn around, letting my brown hair fall down my back and soak in the stream of the shower head. My eyes are closed to avoid the water spray but I step slightly forward so I can open them to grab my shampoo. My gaze immediately lands on Nico. Despite his sudden appearance, I am not shocked to see him. He leans just inside the door of the bathroom by the light switches. His brown eyes are molten black and I can see his erection straining his gray shorts from here.

“You just going to watch from there?” I ask him as I squirt shampoo into my hand. A sexy, smug grin tilts his lips apart. I watch as his hands come to the buttons on his navy shirt as he pushes off from the wall.

“I only came up here to check on you. But then you lifted your arms to run through your hair and your tits bounced in a way that wouldn’t let me leave.” He says while he steps out of his pants and boxer briefs.

“If you weren’t so sexy, that might be a little creepy.” 

“There’s nothing creepy about my eyes on you.” Nico says as he steps into the shower with me. His hands come to my waist and he pulls my wet body to his. I’m slippery from the dripping trails of my shampoo. His hands glide across my sides, then up to soap up my breasts. His fingers thumb at my glistening nipples and a breathy gasp drops from my mouth when he twists.

Nico walks me back carefully so I’m back in the shower stream. His fingers come to my hair so he can massage the soap out of it. The act is intimate- a pleasurable and practical motion that has my pussy throbbing for him. I can feel his erection bouncing against my stomach with each one of his movements. It’s a teasing gesture that builds the passion between us. I reach my hand out to give him a firm squeeze at the base. He’s rock hard and his skin barely gives to my grip.

“Usually, I’m not a shower sex kind of girl.” I murmur. He knows this and we both agree that it messes with natural lubrication, but right now, the ache is so great between us, that it shouldn’t be an issue. “But that looks painful, so I’ll make an exception.” I turn, placing my palms flat against the shower wall. I extend my arms fully, walking Nico back so that I’m out of the shower stream and my hips press eagerly outwards, begging for him to fill me. He sighs happily, bringing his middle finger to my opening, testing me. What he finds there is warm and  thick readiness.

“On your toes.” He requests and I do so. Now, I’m at the perfect height for him to plunge into me. He refused to wait longer, thrusting inside of me in one steady push. My head immediately curls back between my shoulder blades. My mouth opens for a moment before I grit my teeth at how damn good he feels inside of me.

“I’m going to need your help to stay up.” I wheeze out as he starts to move. The pleasure is so intense right off the bat that my muscles keep melting into mush, making it hard to stay on my toes like he asked. His hands come to my hips and his grip is tight as he keeps me in place. I’m quivering already. I hear Nico laugh from behind me when he feels my muscles shaking. “Shut up.” I snap, causing him to snicker louder as I reach back and slap his forearm. I dig my nails in pointedly, “If you can laugh, you can fuck me harder.” 

“Baby!” He chokes out in surprise then lets out a groan. “Keep that up.”

His hips move faster. I press back hard against him so my face doesn’t go too far into the water. Nico took my challenge to heart. His thrusts are deep and my inner walls are clenching at him with each movement, begging him to stay inside of me. I tighten around him and he releases a deep, desperate moan. I can feel his abdomen tightening and I know we are ending this round together. I reach back to hold onto his hip, keeping us smashed together with each thrust. I pull my upper body a little further up and that creates the perfect angle for us both. I can feel my orgasm pulsing deep within me, pounding at my walls to be released. Nico removes his right hand from my hip and dances his fingers along my wet clit. 

“Yes!” I scream as I come crashing down. I dig my fingers into his hip and my entire body convulses. My muscles tug at him inside of me. Nico releases into me with the same fierceness, an extended moan falling from his plumped lips. When the last wave has rippled out of me, I dip my head forward into the shower stream, sucking in quick breaths to try and settle myself. My legs are shaking. My calves are screaming at me to get off my toes, but I can’t until Nico slips from me. “Babe, out. My legs… are cramping.”

“Sorry.” He murmurs, wrapping an arm around my stomach and pulling from me. His arm stays as I go back down onto flat feet. I lean back into his solid chest, the water from my hair dripping all over us. His other arm wraps around me to hold me tight, massaging my heavy breast. I run my fingers up the outsides of his arms and grip his large biceps to hang onto him. “I’m so glad I came up here.” He chuckles against the top of my head.

“Me too. My headache is gone.” I note. The afterglow has assaulted us in the shower and we are both lazily rubbing our fingers against each other’s wet skin. “Do they think you’re coming back?”

“I don’t know. And I really don’t care. I’m not leaving this room now.” I nod in understanding. “Did something happen down there?” He wonders. “You seemed fine and then you weren’t.”

“No.. I was just overwhelmed by meeting so many people.” I say to him, watching as flecks of water patter our reflection on the glass shower door. “Ended up getting a bad headache.”

“Yeah, I didn’t realize it was going to be a family reunion.” He mutters, shaking his head. “I would have prepared you for it if I knew.”

“It’s okay. This helped.” I grin, tilting my head back to look up at him. His lips find my temple and we stay like that for a moment, eyes closed in contentment. “Wanna wash my body?” I ask him, feeling that he has softened completely against my butt cheeks.

“You know where that is going to lead.”

“Yeah, kinda why I asked.” I turn to face him, tossing my arms around his neck. I bring his face down to mine, walking us back into the shower stream. The trails of water fly down our faces, melding in our mouths with each lap of our tongues against each other. Nico’s hands slide down to my ass, gripping tightly and smashing me to his chest. 

“You taste so fucking good. Wonder how you taste here.” He slides down my body, settling on his knees in the wet shower and shoving his tongue between my legs. My head knocks back, being sprayed by the warm shower head. My leg hooks over his shoulder and I settle my hand on top of his head for balance.

“Oh my god.” I moan to our hotel room.

Of all the Hischiers downstairs right now, I’m glad this one is mine.

[missjessefantastico]

thank you @juniperhillpatient for the tag <3

10 characters 10 fandoms 10 tags

1. willow rosenberg - buffy the vampire slayer while i agree that buffy is the superior character of all the world, i simply imprinted in this nerdy agent of chaos from day one and there has never been going back, going back to what? to not knowing perfection?! we stan a self-centered problematic queer queen, she has so many layers, she was so many selves, amazing

2. catherine doll dollanganger - flowers in the attic queen, im so sorry that i cannot remember how to spell your last name it's so hard im so sorry, but know that you're my favorite drama queen and your revenge plots are amazing, i have no notes for you!

3. audrina adare - my sweet audrina do i have a thing for gaslighting victims? probably, what a gaslit queen, the most gaslit of all the gaslit, take a nap, eat candy, commit atrocities, i dont think you want to but you deserve it

4. shauna shipman - yellowjackets i do not know how to describe this woman in a way that does her justice, she's an emotional cannibal but also a literal cannibal, she learned to use a knife in the wilderness but can still cut with surgical precision, she's shaking because she wants to kill you so bad, she has brown sad eyes, poor little meow meow and a milf

5. jet - avatar the last airbender does not deserve the hate, you try and raise a bunch of kids while you're also a kid and you're all orphans and you live on trees and there's a war going on then we can talk about morals!

6. connie maheswaran - steven universe i cannot think about her without getting emotional, she came so far, no powers bug she holds her own on a fight, amazing swordfighter, a fucking nerd, the only character with different outfits, first human to fuse with a gem, she's so precious

7. orpheus - hadestown (and like... mythology but im being specific about this version) my boy just wants to write a song so beautiful that'll bring the world back knto tune back into time and all the flowers will bloom but the ones who tell the lies are the solemnest to swear and the ones who load the dice always say the toss is fair he gives me so many feelings okay?

8. lauren cooper - faking it problematic queen, has held people hostage, has blackmailed her sister, has said all kinds of isms (not autism tho) i still love her tho

9. max - camp camp my problem child, what a mess, love the chaos, he's terrible but he's also wholesome sometimes, deserves better parents, please keep stealing david's phone it's funny

10. louise belcher - bob's burgers chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos chaos

tagging @haikyuupaladin @siriwesen @mrsmarymorstan @meddlelyn @hear-the-people-sing @bring-it-on-perra @sinomin @... idk everyone who wants to do this, say i tagged you

[yourleftpinkytoe-blog]

The Bi Andrew controversy and my opinion on some people’s reactions

-Okay so ik this is a dead topic but it’s been on my mind since this all went down and i feel like i have the words to describe my feelings on it. But first i want to preface that im not trying to start a fight with this i just have some thoughts i really want to get off my chest.-

I made a post when the whole thing was going down and honestly I really didn’t get what I ment across. It was a mess of angry ranting that people couldn’t understand without me explaining in the comments. Sorry for that btw.

When I’m being honest the whole reaction to Nora revealing that in most drafts Andrew was bisexual made me kinda sick to my stomach as a gay man. It was just legions of people celebrating the fact that “thank god he wasn’t actually gay” or “now I don’t feel bad for wanting to fuck him as a woman cause he was bi the whole time!!”. And idk sometimes about that reaction just really bothered me (I wonder why)

I would have no problem with bi Andrew if he was canon. (I’d love him just as much as I love canon Andrew) it just doesn’t make sense to me that so many people were so happy when Nora told about his different orientation in the drafts. I dead ass saw people claiming Andrew was now bi in canon because of this. There was a brief uptake in andrewxrenee shipping (idc what u ship I’m using this as a point) so many people just acting like he was not gay in the text because it was different in the drafts.

A characters sexuality is an important aspect of them. Like let’s take Neil for example, he is demisexual/demiromantic. That is an important part of his character as a whole. Hell it’s pretty inseparable from him, it is a part of what makes Neil, Neil. The same can be said about Andrew. His homosexuality is a large part of what built him as a person. If he was bi then that would have been an integral part of his character. And to see people practically giddy over the fact that in the drafts he was bi and then using that to diminish his canon sexuality was icky.

-I do want to quick say that when I say that Andrew’s being gay was an important factor in shaping him as a person I’m referring to that being a thing he needed to cope with after what happened to him in his childhood not that what happened in his childhood was because he was gay. I don’t want to get the wrong idea across lol. Also if he was bi that would have also been a thing he would have needed to cope with because no matter what he is still into men.-

Ik it’s a classic talking point but let’s switch the situation around. Say Andrew was bi in canon and Nora confirmed that he was gay in most drafts. Then with that info people started celebrating the fact that “HES NOT ACTUALLY BI!!”. That is a really uncomfortable thing to read, right.

It was not ok just cause it was gay->bi and it would not be ok if it was bi->gay.

-Just another thing if Andrew was bi there would be no problem. People resorting to biphobia over this whole situation were wrong and deserve to called tf out for their shit. A character being bi in drafts is absolutely no excuse to resorting to real world bigotry. If u did that ur gross and wrong-

I can understand a small bit about how if you are bi seeing a character you love also be bi probably feels great. But hey I and other gay men see the stuff ur saying and it kinda (really) hurts.

(Quick tw: brief mention of irl csa. Plz don’t read if that is a trigger for u)

-sorry for so many side notes. I just want to be open for a sec. I am a gay guy with a decent amount of sexual trauma. Andrew is the best example of a character in media who I see myself in. And idk there is something about how fast some people were to jump on the bandwagon of this was really uncomfortable for me to see. It’s probably stupid that this situation upset me as much as it did and I’m sorry for bringing this back up.-

[solarisii]

It's okay to be sad, angry, afraid, depressed. And it's okay to talk about and vent those feelings. Don't let uounir anyone else say you're a burden or being annoying by discussing your feelings. Anyone who says that isn't worth your time.

Thank you so much. It's just difficult ya? Like I don't want to hurt, scare anyone away, trigger anyone else, and/or like you said (and I've said before) be a burden or be annoying. A good number of my problems are still happening/reoccurring so it also just feels like every vent is basically the same.

Part of my vents honestly I think is just to be heard and understood by folks. Despite my own communication difficulties.

And uuuhhhh sorry, this in and of it's self kinda became a vent below so...

I'm trying my best but all of my best has felt like it's been chipped away. I'm depressed, chronically anxious both generally and socially, feeling useless and like a burden because I can't work and recently I haven't even been able to make much art. Feeling like a failure in my transition because I think I maybe on too low of a dose but am too afraid to ask and that i have basically haven't been able to present differently like 99% of the time. On top of that years of low-key abuse came to a very explosive point a couples years ago and that scrambled everything harder. And I've had some bad doc experiences, with one as a teen telling me I'd be dead by 30 and it's hard to shake that being 30 now. Really feeling that running out of time. With my most recent appointment talking about some of my failings with my own health has the endless repeating thought of "I'M GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE SOON FROM EITHER MEDICAL OR FASCISM" which isn't a great thought , let alone me being crammed in-between the thought of how I should just die.

And there's things that like logically I know but for some reason I can't use/implement anymore. Like apologizing too much and rewording it to be thank you. I just can't anymore it feels like such a lie because I am so sorry for bother someone or sometimes just for existing. Or not using words like failure(failure is a step not a permanent point or affliction), burden(that's just being, it comes with existing), or useless (by who's standards) to describe myself but like I don't have other words to describe these feeling and thoughts eating through me.

Then there's the basics of like Get exercise! (makes me actively suicidal, idk why), Get good and consistent sleep! (I've literally never been able to), Eat well!(I don't have an excuse for this I just fucking suck at it). I'm in therapy and I've gone through like 8 meds, each one/combo taking weeks to try and only for it to sometimes just make everything almost worse. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there's something wrong with my brain to make that many not work but.

I'm so so so so tired I'm in both physical and emotional pain, and have been hopeless for months now. I'm trying my best I swear I am. Right now I'm stuck just trying to get through each day and stay alive. I AM sad I AM angry I AM afraid and I AM depressed. I just wanna be a happy weird dog girl who play video games, draws, and has wonderful times with her friends who is atleast somewhat understood. I want it so bad.

[skybristle]

ask game time

8, 17, 22 for whichever one is on your mind at the moment

IM SO SORRY NAV I WENT OUT TO EAT AND THEN IMMEDIATELY FELL ASLEEP

hmmm. Looking at prompts.... [grabs chimes like a soda can and crushes him]

8 - What is your iterator's opinion on bioengineering? Natural ability of iterators? A cruel push of artificial will? Something to be moderated? etc.

he does do bioengineering much more than a lot of his groupmates!!!! mainly for slugcat messengers [gardener, recon, and mercy were all designed by him]. i think he's very... modest about it though. he's very careful to make sure their quality of life is intact and modifications work well [which is interesting when mercy's spores make *it* sleepy all the time, hes just in such a rush... </3]. i think he doesn't have many qualms about it but tries not to be.... clinical. he tries to hand raise them, brings them to his puppet chamber as soon as he can, etc etc. they're his babies!!!

he also feels like he doesn't have much of a right to step on their free will [again, mercy is a divergence with such a specific task. also recon but it was made by ochre in flors can chimes just designed it], but gardener especially spends most of its time just,... wandering the wild being happy. especially as he remakes it dozens of times and watches them all choose different lives [living with the colonies, on its own, staying in his can more permanantly, etc]. it's only when ochre approaches death that he sends overseers to beg it to come back.

17 - How does your iterator feel about ascension? Is it something they want to strive for? Help others achieve? Something to avoid? etc.

you see he was never particularly oriented towards iterating to solve the Problem compared to most iterators- partially because reefs, his mama, didn't believe in the construct of religion as ancient soceity practiced it, and honestly a lot of that belief continued to his city with a very lax view of ascension. just 'yeah, hopping in a vat of void fluid if you feel fufilled and happy at the end of your life is a thing you can do if you want.'

he DID care about his ancients very much and while YES ascension made them happy, he had a really good understanding of like.... the trust and weight of the choice, and he doesn't really think its the kind of choice a slugcat can make [or if they do, its not up to him].

he misses his parents, so deeply, and it never really leaves him.... he doesn't resent ascension but sometimes wishes he could see them again [reefs, especially].

he doesn't know if he'll ascend some day, especially as he sits in the snow having not spoken to another iterator in centuries. but as saint descends the rubble and approaches him, i think he's okay with it. he wants to go home [to his parents, to his friends, to his wife...]

22 - Where does your iterator live? Describe the region.

HIS REGIONS ARE SOOO FUN I THINK...... his can is built partially over the sea!!!!!! and underneath his can is reef's hometown, a once prosperous and bustling port city that was crushed under the rains during sparks' time and abandoned. but i think you can still kind of tell it used to be like this... there's probably a really cool sub region in there thats an old temple. its probably pretty flooded and stuff too... idk the contrast is fun to me....

towards the west you can find the decayed old docks which lead into the sea itself.... i really should develop a sea-living scug for the area because god is it so cool to me, going into the colorful depths... HOWEVER ! as for navigating the region you still CAN because of the WHALE SAILS !!! WOOOO.

they're GIANT ass creatures originally bioengineered to function similarly to the sky sails [thank you cheston druidshollow for making them biological its so cool] but... for water. they lsot their purpose a while ago when the great equalizer set in and it became too dangerous to navigate the surface but they're still very friendly and okay with slugcat getting a ride. probably function similarly to rain deer... maybe they eat glow weed? idk. probably some kind of filter feeder.

his underhang/leg region is also called the frets. aren't i so clever. iirc i called his wall the neck at some point too. hehehe instrument analogies. and his city is named Chorus and is probably similar to most besides all the decor and murals and music-making stuff like wind chimes everywhere still left behind. he doesn't mind scavs and stuff up there.

[my-castles-crumbling]

im really sorry to dump this here but im actually so upset and i need to get this out and i have noone else to say it to

(just a note though that religion and homophobia is discussed so its okay if you dont want to talk about this)

i just found out my best friend (like, sirius and james kind of friend) is massively homophobic. weve been friends for years snd years now and he knows im a lesbian and he never said anything outwardly bad about it before now, but last night he had a few drinks in him and started talking about how he doesnt support the lgbt+ community and firmly believes anyone in it is going to hell, and that he hopes one day we'll 'see the light'

he then went on to say that hes not going to actively hate on queer people because what we do doesnt affect him or his life, and as far as ive seen thats completely true, hes never done or said anything hateful towards the community besides what he'd just said about going to hell etc.

i really dont know how im supposed to feel about all this. i felt like crying last night when he was talking because this is like, my platonic soulmate yk? and hes not actively or directly saying/doing anything against the community, but it also feels like what he said was hateful and all, but again hes never discouraged my own sexuality (in fact, hes actively encouraged and supported me when ive tried to date girls) so i almost feel id be wrong to be angry about what hes now said after hes still supported me anyway, even though he feels so strongly that its wrong

i just feel so lost and i really dont know what im supposed to do or feel about it

(sorry again to dump this on you aha)

Hi!!! <3

Ugh, this is so hard. Friends are so important, especially friends like you described. But a friend that doesn't support your identity? Honestly for me, this would be a BIG red flag. Because..idk I'm not a super trusting person to begin with, and to hear that would break my trust.

To me, at this point in history, if you're not actively being an ally for someone, then you might as well be fucking them over. I mean, does this person vote for policies that could hurt the lgbtqia+ community, and you by extension? Does he associate with people who are actively doing things to harm that community or other marginalized identities?

It seems like an excuse. "Oh, I don't shout my hatred from the rooftops, so it's okay." No. No, it's not.

And, to add to that, how will it feel now, to talk to him once you begin dating someone? Will it feel fake, even if he supports you? What about, down the road, if you ever get married? Will he want to be in your wedding? Will he refuse to go?

I guess, to me, this is a huge problem. But I'm also different than you. It may be, to you, he means enough to you that it's worth looking past. But I don't think I could do that.

The reality is, this sucks either way. And you have every right to feel upset and hurt. But I guess now you have to decide how you want to be upset and hurt by this.

I am so, so sorry that you're going through this.

<3

[jongbross]

Can I ask an honest question?

I saw that you’re holding back from writing anything about the boys’ queerness (not to say that it’s wrong). I’ve seen other blogs also do the same. Last week I saw another blog that has similar content to yours, refuse to say what she thinks about our boys’ sexualities, because that’s “prying into their privacy”.

I just have this question - how is it okay to assume that members have certain sexual preferences, kinks, fetishes, and so on (basically what your content is), but it’s unethical to say anything about what you think their sexualities are?

We’re all here to share our opinions, and of course none of those assumptions will hold any truth to it, because at the end of the day we don’t know any of the boys personally, right? So I was just curious as to why you think it is not okay for you to say “for me I think *member* is queer”, but it’s completely okay to describe your imagined sexual preferences that you think they have.

Please don’t take this as any form of criticism!! I love your content and I’m always waiting for your posts, because I feel like we should have fun with such things and not take them seriously. That’s why even though for example I don’t think any of the members are gay, why would it be offensive for someone else to assume so? At the end we’re just having fun right?

I’d love to hear your opinion ♥️ and good job on your work! We can see how much thought you put into this!!!!

honestly this is a great point to discuss. not that i think it's a bad thing to headcanon any of them as queer, but ever since i've started writing i have this fine line where i write about sex with both genders, but i try to not express my opinion on their sexuality (maybe because, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to me?).

i feel like people see smutty things about their idols and doesn't mind because it's their wishful thinking, it's their fantasies that are being written (either it's with a female or male reader, it doesn't matter). we know it's not real and it will never be, all the things i write here fall down this path. but for the sexuality thing, it feels different to me; tell someone "i think x member is gay" and there are sooo many people who would get offended and try to prove you wrong. like, why is that such a bad thing for you? so maybe that's why i don't cross that line, idk. i wish i could explain to you exactly why i feel this way, but i can't, and i'm sorry for that.

just please know that it is NOT because i think it's offensive to think some of them might be queer (and they might, honestly). love is a natural thing, and who they love will never be a problem to me.

thanks for being so nice on approaching this subject, i'm glad we can all talk and discuss like adults in such a safe place, it means a lot to me. ❤️

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + burnt secondary (bird secondary model) (badger secondary performance)

(note to OP - this is an ask that I substantially restructured in order to answer it properly. Everything's still here, just in a different order than how it was submitted.)

hope i’m not bothering you too much, but I was curious on your input from what i could be. i’ve been pretty torn these days on my sorting, but i think i’ve finally cracked the code somewhat w the help of your acc (ESPECIALLY the sort me asks. don’t even get me started…)

i think i’m a snake (maybe even burnt??) primary and burnt-ish??? lion secondary. i’m not sure what my models are—but i do get a badger feeling.

~ SECONDARY ~

i’m not a good decision maker. i usually ask “well what do you want” when going out w someone for food, or if i’m pressured to suggest smth, i’ll say smth generic i’m feeling for. 

if the people i love, or at least the people closest to me, don’t agree w smth i chose, then i’ll be like?? okay i guess i’ll just choose what you think… like the last time i went out w my best friend, i was getting dippin dots and chose banana split, but then my friend and our other friend (who works there) were baffled and said that was the worst flavor. i was like wait fr? huh… then… what do you guys recommend… they said chocolate. i got chocolate. i don’t rlly regret it bc it ended up tasting good, and i also got their approval in a way, i suppose.

Okay. Coming out of the gate with an "I hope I'm not bothering you" and then going into "I'm not a good decision maker," and THEN describing just being extremely passive... I'm thinking burnt Secondary. It's like you're not trusting yourself to problem-solve at all. It's possible that some of this inertia and tendency to gauge what the people around you are doing is coming from a burnt Primary... but it's just all so specific, small scale and practical that I'm leaning secondary for now.

(and thank you for the really specific, low-stakes examples, they will make things easier.)

i never rlly ask for anyone’s opinion tho. it feels bothersome to them, vulnerable to me, so rarely do i confide in someone’s thoughts. if i do, it’s at first subtle, and if that doesn’t work, fine, i’ll just awkwardly straight up say it. but that’s the last resort. usually i just try to rely on myself.

This rules out being a Burnt primary. Feeling like it's wrong to ask for help, bother people, take up space... that's a Burnt Secondary. I'm not sure what's underneath the burning now. You don't like asking for help (the Badger thing), you don't like asking subtly (the Snake thing) and you don't like just straight-up saying it (the Lion thing.) And that's really what a Burnt secondary means. Problem-solving methods don't bring you joy.

this comes a lot from my mom criticizing me when i try to ask for smth. i can hardly say anything to her without it being some comment. it’s so tiring. in the end, when i do have to, i’ll ask for help—but i try not to. and yet, i feel the right to ask for help sometimes, rlly only when it’s a matter of “you didn’t teach me how to do this, how should ik?! but you think i should somehow!” which is stupid. idk how you can expect someone to just instantly know how to do smth as if coded into them as a baby.

Yeah. This is how you burn a secondary. I'm sorry. From just this description, it sounds like you might be a Prep-work Secondary (Bird or Badger) and your mom might be an In-the-Moment Secondary (Lion or Snake.)

i feel bad when don’t do something my mom is asking me to do, like chores. i don’t particularly like washing dishes, but i do it in the end bc i think “mom would want me to, i have to help her,

I think this might just be a human thing. It could easily be coming from any primary.

ik she would hate it deep inside even if she represses any sort of emotion, blah blah."

That's an interesting thing to say about your mom, that almost certainly has bearing on her sorting. I'll keep that in mind.

i think another big example is continuing my college education on behalf of my mom bc i would just feel bad to let her down. i want peace. studying and having things shoved at you to do is not peace

Okay, college is a much *bigger* thing than just dishes, and tells me a little more about you. But what it tells me is just more burnt secondary stuff. If you don't know what flavor of Dippin Dots you want, you probably don't have any strong opinions about what you want to study, and you sadly seemed to be trapped in a cycle where everything is... kind of a chore, and a grind.

whenever i’m in public, i put on a cold exterior. better that people stay away from me and don’t bother me. the less for me to deal w the better. so, i’m generally p stoic, unless i absolutely have to plaster on a fake persona. it’s so hard to do tho, definitely rarely wanna ever keep up. very few people know my warmer side.

You're sounding very Actor Bird secondary here (or at least Bird secondary model.) You've got your armor, Stoic!You who is... safe. And Fake!You, which is a (presumably more cheerful, Badgery) performance that you hate.

when it comes to family, i just don’t wanna disappoint them mostly. there are moments where i will sacrifice myself, like when my cousin comes over sometimes to watch stuff w me, even if i’m tired, or don’t feel like it, i feel the need to follow through w it so i don’t let her down. i’d end up feeling guilty if i did.

Not wanting to disappoint your family is a feeling that can come from a lot of places. But in this case, it's not even lack of boundaries, it's more just 'not worth the fight.'

it always baffles me when my badger best friend is able to constantly put on a mask when she’s forced to socialize. and she’s forced to socialize a lot bc of her family. it would drive me insane.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that you have a Badger performance that you absolutely hate.

i suppose i’m also scared of forming new attachments in general. i’m scared if i’m saying anything inappropriate, if i’m not fun, if i’ll possibly lose that person ig, and yet, i can cut off relationships quick, in a non direct way.

And here it is. There's a lot of fear, in both Burnt primaries and Burnt secondaries. And what you've got going on here... seems to be a version of 'if I do not try, then I cannot fail.' If you've got a persona designed to keep people away, then you don't have to worry about not being fun enough, not saying the right thing, not having to cut off the relationship (before they cut off you?) That sounds like it really, really hurts. I'm sorry.

~ PRIMARY ~

idrk what i want myself. it’s not like i don’t want to continue getting an education—i just don’t know what to do, so it feels pointless for the time being. but if not for college, i would feel more aimless, and i’d have to deal w any unwanted consequences from not going, whether it comes from my mom or the external world.

You feel very Internal to me. The only place the external world is making an appearance is as something that you occasionally have to *deal* with. The wanting connection, but feeling like it's too unsafe to go out and get it could point to Burnt Snake primary... or this sort of "pointless" but not necessarily unpleasant could point to a Lion primary who hasn't been *inspired* by anything yet.

in general i can be influenced by my people’s agenda and follow through w it. i would feel bad if i didn’t. like selfish. at the same time, i can be a selfish person. the person i care for most besides anyone else is me. i care about me, me, me. self-preservation is the biggest part of me, i think. i think another trait of snake primary is not caring for the general public. i don’t. my biggest priorities are myself, my care, and whoever i choose to care for at the moment.i’m just not someone who can serve [people] constantly, especially random people.

Fair enough. I would argue that everyone's first priority ought to be themselves, because if you're not doing that, how can you be doing much good anywhere else? If you're not taking care of yourself, that just means someone else is going to have to show up down the line to take care of you, probably after things have gotten much worse.

That said... I'm seeing the Snake. Feeling selfish that you're not adopting your loved one's "agenda" but very much not being a Badger.

i’m used to being alone and i like being alone… i’m someone who drifts from relationships easy. i don’t think much about it. sometimes i do feel a little guilty for not talking to some of my friends much but not rlly. it’s just something that… happens.

And then you say something like THIS which honestly sounds... so Lion. Of the four primaries, Lions are easily the most comfortable being loners. And when they're in a bad place (like if they've got a very burned secondary, for example) their instinct will be to get by themselves, and spend as much time alone as possible, in order to reconnect with themselves and heal.

but i’m getting sidetracked—i can be direct if something that tickles my morals seems off. even to the people i love. if my parents do smth i don’t agree w, i legit can’t help it, i burst out.

Um. That's Lion.

it’s a bit of a bad habit and gets me into trouble. i did this a lot as a kid too. i was actually a bit nasty as a kid, i think….

this happens more often than not w my family doe. i’m not nearly as explosive w anyone else. if someone does smth that messes w my morals, i act more calm about it, although most of the time, i just don’t bother to bring my thoughts.

Yeah, because you've got a pretty burnt secondary, so you'll be boiling over inside and still not DO anything... presumably until it gets really desperate, at which point you'll lash out with anything you think will work. Which at the moment mostly seems to be Lion secondary?

i think what confuses me the most is my rebellious nature. there are times where i will listen to my parents, and then those times where i will go against their beliefs. it’s an internal fight sometimes.

It is literally a fight between your primary and your secondary. You can hear your Lion primary say "DO THIS!" But your secondary says "we can't." And then if you feel the situation is important enough, the Lion primary finds a way to whip the burnt secondary into doing something. But it hurts.

i have a bit of a “don’t care” attitude. if there’s something i want that they don’t agree w, oh well.

"Sounds like a them problem, not a me problem." Very Lion.

this tends to come from my aesthetic. i like the darker side of things, which seems weird to my mom, and she always says “people won’t think you’re normal, you shouldn’t dress this way, it’s not right” but… i don’t care about what other people think… so why should i take that into consideration? some of our arguments come from this. what people think of me is not my problem. and what she thinks… sometimes… is also not my problem. this trips me up bc it’s rlly dependent. sometimes i care about what people close to me think and sometimes i don’t. sometimes i’m assured in myself, and a LOT of the times, i’m not. 

This also sounds like a Lion primary thing to me. Lions don't care about everything equally, they'd go crazy if they did. And it can be sometimes be unpredictable and surprising just WHAT will give you that "I guess we're doing to die on this hill" Lion primary PING. But without it pushing you along... it doesn't seem like you have much to fall back on.

earlier, [Mom and I] argued on how a wife should know how to do basic chores, and well, everyone should, but my mom said it to be exclusively to a woman, and how her husband will not want her if she can’t even do smth so simple. like washing dishes. my first thought is—why does it have to be the wife? and can’t the husband clean the stupid dishes himself if he cares so much? he should know too. basic chores are important to know, but setting it exclusively to one gender is so stupid. she ended up using me as an example bc of my distaste for washing dishes, saying that my future husband would say i’m not a real woman and would leave me. and my thoughts are that, well, he can leave, if i’m ever caught w someone like that! in fact, i wouldn’t ever be searching out for someone like that ever. gross. my mom is a badger primary confirmed??? maybe that’s why a lot of her beliefs are so off putting to me…

I mean, could be. That focus on tradition and the way things "should be" can be very Badger primary. Although if she's bottling up her emotions, could be a pretty extreme model.

(and yes, obviously everyone should know how to do basic chores like washing the dishes.)

 i follow through w my skincare routine even on a time crunch and my mom wants me to hurry up. it’s just too important to me—i might try to rush a little, but it’s gonna take an apocalypse to make me give up on any part of it.

You know, it's funny. But I've figured out who you remind me of. You're Stede Bonnet, from Our Flag Means Death. Trapped in a very traditional this-is-how-things-are-done environment, and with a secondary so burned that he just goes along with everything... but his primary still does assert itself in his love of dark things (pirates) and his love of clothes.

i also do what i want when i  want. like rn, technically i COULD be doing college work, but… meh. i don’t want to. but then eventually i’ll feel pressure to do it anyways. i’m usually on time w assignments even if i start them somewhat late, bc i hate to think of the consequences i’d be dealing w if i didn’t do anything.

I mean, that's how it can be with a Burnt secondary. You don't *want* to do the thing. But eh, I'll do it I guess.

i think, if i had one argument to be made against lion primary (if it counts as one), it would be that, while i don’t mind praise, it’s not smth i’m actively thinking of or searching for. i’m just not used to it. if i get it, i’m like, oh, thanks! it’s nice, but… idk… i don’t think it’s a huge part of me if a part at all.

Lion primaries are not out here searching for praise, unless they're very exploded. At the end of the day, I don't think anyone can run entirely on approval coming in from outside yourself. Not for long, anyway.

am i interesting? it’d be cool if i was. or just a classic?

You are interesting, actually. It's unusual to have such a strong, loud primary and such a burnt secondary. It makes me think that you're going to be just fine, especially when you finish school and get out on your own. The fiery Lion primary seems pretty clear to me, and I *suspect* you might have a Prep-work secondary... but unfortunately, at the moment. Too burned to tell.

[deviljho]

oh ok but yeah my six of crows thoughts are

- the worldbuilding & magic stuff was fucking awesome. like yea maybe it’s a bit cringe steampunk YA edgy bullshit but idk it’s epic enough i can forgive that. i also think the politics and dynamics between the countries are really interesting too even though it has the all too common problem in fantasy settings where they’re like “here’s [FANTASY ASIA] and [FANTASY (vague nondescript middle eastern country)]” which is so reductive and boring lol but again unsurprising also :/ but anyways sorry i’m trying to not be a hater here so yeah like there was this specific moment where nina is walking through the fucking…nordic palace sorry i already forgot that country’s name and she clearly recognizes the architecture of the building as being magic manufactured where she speculates abt how different, historically, the relationship between them and other places might’ve been back before they started hunting and killing magic users and i was like damn. hell fucking yes bro. like there’s just a level of detail but also restraint to it

- um okay also i liked most of the characters but especially nina and inej and kaz. idk what else to say about them but yeah i really liked them

ok my hater moment incoming

1) it wasn’t really gay at all maybe i misunderstood but i thought it was? but also it sounds like future books are gayer so whatever *drops the rock i was holding*

2) i really hated matthias & nina’s relationship like i just hate when the whole dynamic between a guy and girl character is that he like actively thinks she’s disgusting and perverse and evil and subhuman and that he’s disgusting for being attracted to her like no amount of lore reasons could make it better for me every time they had a moment i was like 🤢🤢 GROSS….he kind of redeemed himself A LITTLE at the end but i’m still mad that this was the main romance in the book like please….straight women this is your teen fantasy?

3) in general i think it was wildly unrealistic for the characters to be fucking. 17 years old like sorry i’m just rejecting that entirely they’re 25 in my mind now

4) the last one isn’t rly about the book but i’m mad as fuck that nina is explicitly written as a fat character like ACTIVELY described that way multiple times (not negatively or anything but like….it is very much there in the text) but for whatever reason they cast some random skinny white girl to play her in the show like. be fucking for real rn!!!!! WHAT THE HELL

i give it 4 out of 5

[zorubark]

It's winter in Brazil right now and I have rhinitis but it's been a while since I had a incident(last time it was awful, I cried because I couldn't sleep[or breathe]) and now my nose is bad again and this is how rhinitis is like for me:

at least one of your nose holes feels almost completely blocked, you put serum to make the snot more liquid so you can blow it, you blow your nose, you feel better for mere seconds until it feels closed again. because of the 'snot' in cavities of your skull that lead to the nose, when you try to blow your nose, the snot from those cavities keeps coming and it feels like blowing your nose is useless because it never gets better

also, my head hurts in a really weird way, it's like there's not inside my head(which is true), normal headache is different, this headache feels "gross". I also feel pain and that gross feeling in places that probably have cavities or near them, maybe it's placebo/psychosoma but idk my face feels pretty gross right now. Because of how much the nose is connected to the mouth my mouth also feels gross, it's like there's impalpable snot, like a ghost snot. When I'm not eating something I feel a weird taste of snot and it just doesn't feel right, it's pretty gross.

my mom said for rhinitis it's good to drink a lot of water to liquify the snot, heat also helps with making it feel better, so I took a hot bath(it didn't help) and she made me wear socks while inside the house(fair)

it seems that I get a rhinitis problem(I don't know how to describe it, sorry) every winter

But really, the memories I have of the last rhinitis I had are harrowing, I felt a lot of anguish, I felt weak because of not being able to breathe, I needed to sleep, my mom tried all medicine she had at home but nothing made it okay, I still felt anguished and couldn't even sleep, we had to drive to a pharmacy at past midnight just to get a more effective medicine. It was hellish. I had many hellish moments in my life but most where made by people and society, this maybe the worst medical issue I can remember(I also got a super deep cut on my leg once but I can only remember the initial moment I hurt myself and nothing else except me remembering it happened while looking at my hypertrophic scar)

[zebulontheplanet]

im the anon asking about semiverbal hi! yeah for me it’s not that im choosing to not say anything, it’s that my whole life im quiet bc a mental block of “idk what to say/how to initiate or hold conversation” so I can’t say anything unless I have a scripted word/sentence like “that’s nice.” All the time I rlly want to talk more and be involved in conversations but I find myself unable to and this communication problem has led me to not rlly have many friends at all. It’s not that I physically can’t get a word out.. but mental. and I notice sometimes I try to say sentences and it comes out kinda silly and confusing. or sometimes don’t have much energy to speak or it feels wrong to but that’s different than what I describe. people know me as barely talking/quiet although I can come off verbal at times sometimes my sentences sound right. I more so only know what to say if it’s about my SPINS/interests/topics that interest me and that can come off right but often I get mentally blocked on how to talk about it and trip over words etc etc I’m better when typing it. Yeah I can talk at times and sound okay but I have this communication struggle always I think although not physically? I know u can’t tell me what I am I’m just explaining more bc I don’t think choiceverbal is exactly right and I’m wondering if anyone who is semiverbal can relate to my experiences

Ah I see! I’m still not exactly sure, I’m sorry. I’d still look into other terms and decide for yourself what sounds like you. I have some posts around about being semiverbal and what it means, but if you need a more in-depth explanation of what being semiverbal is then let me know and I can do that!

[yuhenglesbian]

Nine Percent Reacting to Your Depression

Pairing: Nine Percent x Reader (multiple scenarios)

Requested by: Anon

Prompt: Nine Percent reacting to you confessing about your depression

Genre: Reactions; Bullet Point Scenario

Trigger Warning: Depression; Mentions of Self-Harm; Mentions of Self-Esteem Issues

Word Count:  (total)

A/N: I’m only sticking to the confession and how they come to that point in this. The thing with depression is that there’s a lot of ways in which it plays out– depending on the individual and the type of depression (bipolar depression, for instance is different than unipolar depression in it’s symptoms). Also this feels mildly ooc for the members because honestly, I don’t know how China views depression and other such disorders so I don’t know how much they’d know about it. 

Idk what you’re facing, dear anon who dropped this request but I hope you’re okay. If you need someone to talk to, always feel free to drop in. Love you and I’m sorry about delaying this so much.

Anon, this is so many years late, idek if you're still on tumblr but ah. This spiralled me into an episode of my own and then life got extremely busy. Here's what little I'd written until then, unedited mostly. I hope you're here with us still. Love you.

Cai Xukun:

Xukun found out when found you crying with the medication in your hands because you were too tired of all the medications and still having to deal with “this shit” as you described it to him. It wasn’t easy for you to tell him about it because you didn’t want to burden him with your problems when he was already dealing with so much– what with being the leader and center of Nine Percent and the lawsuit with his old company and crazy fans.

“Just because I have problems doesn’t mean I can’t listen to yours,” he told you when you tried to explain to him how you didn’t want to burden him. “You always listen to me, Y/N so it’s the least I can do.”

Before you knew it he was hugging you, patting your head,  cooing gently because unbeknownst to you, you’d started crying at his words. Once you’d stopped crying, you told him everything– explaining everything slowly and as you best could.

“I’m sorry,” were the first words out of his mouth. “I know that doesn’t make things okay,” he continued, “and that there’s probably nothing I can do to make things okay. The only thing I can do is promise you that I’ll always be there if you want me around– even if I’m not physically there, I’ll always be there.”

Chen Linong:

Linong has always known– even if he didn’t know the exact words, he’s noticed and he tries his best to cheer you up when he notices that you’re in one of your blue moods.

It’s on the day that he finds you crying over your books because you feel so worthless and drained that he asks you why– “why are you crying, Y/N?”

It’s a simple question but he’s sitting next to you, his eyes full of concern and worry at how the person he loves is falling apart. “Why do you love me, Nongnong?” you ask him instead of asking, tears falling as you meet his eyes. “You could do so much better than my sad, pitiful ass. Why do you even love me when you deserve way better.”

The question shocks him and his worry hits the roof– this is a side he’s never seen, not with him in particular anyway. He knows you have bad days and days when things are hard but this– this is new, you’ve never doubted his love for you or your relationship before. “Because I do,” he tells you. “Why would you ask me something so sad– you know how much you mean to me, Y/N.”

“Because I am sad, Nongnong,” you say, wiping away tears, “and I feel like I’m always sad.”

He pulls you into a hug, rubbing your back gently. “Why?” he asks.

That’s when you explain to him– how you were diagnosed with clinical depression, the symptoms, how there’s nothing to make things better because “it’s all in my head for real because my head is a messed up place” and all the medication you need to take. He listens– not interrupting you even once as you explain things the best you can.

“It’ll be okay,” he says, quietly once you’re done. You open your mouth to protest, to tell him that they won’t but he cuts you off before you can. “I know they don’t seem like they will be– or maybe I don’t know enough about it to feel the way you do– but Y/N, you have to believe. Maybe they won’t permanently be okay but they’ll be better than how they are right now– you’ll feel better than you are now. Maybe it’ll take ages to even get to that point, but I’ll be here throughout the way. Even when things are hard, even when they’re good. I’ll always be here for you. So you don’t have to deal with this alone ever again, I promise, okay?”

Fan Chengcheng:

Fan Chengcheng knows depression– maybe not first hand– but he knows it because he’s seen too many of his sister’s famous friends deal with it. He’s read about it because no one would tell him and he’s felt himself relating to some of the symptoms on some days. So he knows depression.

He also knows you– he’s known you for a long, long time and the world would be damned if he can’t tell something is wrong with the person he’s loved for years. He’ll also be damned if he can’t recognise some of the symptoms he’s read about.

So when he drops the question to you– extremely casually, as if he was asking you about the weather– he’s hoping that it’s only his overactive thoughts and that you’re not actually going through it. The question and the casual tone shock you enough to ask how he knows, indirectly confessing.

His eyebrows furrow with concern. “Why didn’t you tell me, Y/N?” he asks you, his voice more serious than it had been just moments ago.

“There’s nothing to tell, Cheng,” you say, sighing. “You can’t do anything about it, can you?” you add, and he bites back whatever he was going to say.

“I know I can’t,” he concedes after a few minutes, “but at least I could have been there for you rather than you dealing with all of it alone– I’ve seen so many people deal with it, I know it isn’t easy for you and I’d want to be there for you no matter how bad things get. So please, Y/N, let me be there for you.”

Huang Minghao/Justin:

Minghao is worried– it’s been a week since you’ve showed even the slightest interest in anything he’s been saying– all you offer him anymore are indulgent, polite smiles and he’s slightly hurt and very worried because while he’s used to being treated like a child by everyone but he’s never had you treat him in this manner.

So when you smile at him and politely refuse to join him for a round of Counterstrike, it’s the final straw before he blows up.

“Just what is your problem!?” he asks, hotly. “Why are you of all people treating me like a child? Are you tired of me? Do you want me gone?”

The outburst leaves both of you silent and when you look up at him, he’s crying. “Hao,” you say softly, guilt seeping through you– you never wanted to hurt him.

“Don’t call me that,” he says, petulantly as he sits down on the seat in front of yours. “I’m mad at you. That nickname is a cheat.”

His childishness makes you smile your real smile for the first in the week. “Hao,” you try again, “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you like this at all.”

He turns to look at you, frowning slightly. “Then why’d you do it?” he asks. “Is everything okay?” he prompts when you don’t answer.

“Not really,” you reply honestly after a few minutes. “Everything isn’t alright.”

Minghao doesn’t respond, waiting patiently for an explanation that he knows he’s almost gotten out of you. You sigh, bracing yourself before you tell him about your depression and everything that comes with it– the lack of motivation to do anything and the constant feeling of loneliness and hopelessness that have been weighing you down all week among other symptoms that come and go as they please. He listens patiently, interrupting only when he needs an explanation for something.

There’s silence once you’re done as he processes things. “I’m sorry,” he says, after a few minutes have passed. “I didn’t know at all. I really thought you’d grown tired of me.”

You smile sadly and hug him. “I’d never be tired of you, Hao,” you tell him. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I was so caught up with myself, I didn’t realize I was hurting you.”

He pulls away, frowning. “Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault,” he says. “You didn’t ask to go through all this and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I promise I’ll be a more reliable person for you from now so that you don’t have to feel like you’re fighting this alone ever again.”

Lin Yanjun:

When Yanjun walks in, your apartment is a mess and you’re nowhere in sight. It’s surprising because you usually keep everything organised– you love keeping things in place and making sure everything got done on time; it was something he’d always admired about you. He steps over the massive pile of shoes and crumpled paper near the door and invites himself inside deciding that something has happened and whatever it is, it is a pretty big deal to make such a slob of you.

He finds you curled up on the bean bag in the living room in front of an open television– which he switches off promptly, rolling his eyes part amazed at how good you are at falling asleep anywhere, anytime. You turn in your sleep, facing up and Yanjun notices the tear stains on your face. He frowns, his concern cementing.

“Y/N,” he whispers, shaking you gently.

You wake up almost immediately and he smiles. “Hey, sweetie,” he says, leaning closer and planting a kiss on your cheek, making you smile even though you’re tearing up at the gentleness with which he treats you.

“I’m so sorry,” you tell him, when he wordlessly wipes a tear away. “I’m a mess today,” you add, laughing half-heartedly.

“A hot mess,” he smirks playfully even as he pulls you into a comforting hug, his careful and concerned gestures making you cry even more. “What happened, baby?” he asks, when you don’t stop crying even at the greasiness of his pick up line. Something was definitely not right if you didn’t even tell him to stop using greasy pick up lines.

You sigh, wiping your eyes– a little too roughly for Yanjun’s comfort. “I hate this,” you tell him. “I hate how I am– how I’m feeling.”

Yanjun raises an eyebrow wordlessly, waiting for you to elaborate. “I hate being so fucking sad all the time,” you say, evidently angry. “I hate not having enough motivation to do anything. I hate crying all the time. I can’t even remember the last time I ate something which wasn’t ice cream from the freezer. I hate being depressed,” you go on, angry tears beginning to fall.

Yanjun instinctively hugs you, burying your face in his chest as he gently strokes your hair. “I hate it so much, Yanjun,” you say between sobs.

“I’m so sorry baby,” he coos, rocking you gently. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with so much and that I’m never there.”

“Please don’t leave me,” you mumble into his chest. “I know I’m sad and pathetic but please don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave.”

“I’m not leaving, Y/N,” he replies, kissing the top of your head and tightening the hug he has you in. “I’m never leaving. I love you and that means I’m here for your good and your bad, okay? I’ll always be here, baby.”  

Zhu Zhengting:

Telling Zhengting isn’t hard. On the contrary, it’s probably the easiest thing you’ve done this week– it’s also the only decision you’re proud to have made. You’re not a believer of “our love can fix everything wrong” because it’s not true but when Zhengting pulls you close wrapping his arms around you and burying his nose in your hair– you let yourself believe that love can fix everything for a brief moment.

You’ve always known you were drawn to Zhengting partly because he was so caring: looking out for everyone around him came so naturally to him, you both resented and admired it. When he had extended that care to you, inevitably making you a part of his close-knit world, you’d fallen hard and fast– both thankful and flattered for the tender, careful manners with which he treated you.

It’s one of the few things you admit to him when you explain that you hadn’t meant to scare him when he comes over to your apartment– breathless and adamant, asking for an explanation for why you’ve drawn progressively away from him all month. It scares you a little, both the thought of losing him and the thought of him caring so much.

“Please tell me if you’re okay,” he pleads. “If it was something I did– just tell me. Please.”

It breaks you to hear how tired he sounds– how scared he sounds and your tears fall of their own accord after a month of running dry. They only fall faster when Zhengting pulls you into a hug, concern evident in his voice as he repeatedly asks you if you’re okay. “I’m sorry,” is all you can muster through the tears.

He sits with you, waiting patiently for you to stop crying and then making sure you’re hydrated as he makes an off-hand comment about all the takeout boxes in your kitchen. And then he waits some more as you explain everything you’ve felt over the past month– the repetitive thoughts telling you that you’re worthless, to give in and finally let go; the anxiety of not being wanted and of not being good enough and by the end of it, you’re crying again.

“I was so scared, Ting,”  you admit between sobs that make his heart wrench in pain for you. All he can do is pull you into a hug because he doesn’t want to make unfaithful promises of things getting better when the future has always been so uncertain.

“I know, baby,” he mumbles, burying his nose in your hair. “I’m so sorry. I’m here now, okay? I’ll be here now– you don’t have do this alone anymore.”

Wang Linkai/Xiao Gui:

Telling Linkai is simple– explaining to him is even simpler. It surprises you for a little while when he listens to you quietly as you explain to him why you’ve been avoiding everyone and everything but the surprise soon gives way to realisation when you remember how much time he has spent around Xingjie and who he is as an artist.

“You could have told me sooner,” is all he tells you, however before he leaves almost as soon as you’re done explaining.

Linkai can’t lie to your face and he certainly can’t lie about two important things: He can’t tell you that you’ll necessarily be okay because he’s going to be there for you from here on out– that’s in the future and he can’t guarantee the future no matter how much he wants to. He also can’t lie and tell you that he isn’t hurt because he is. He’s hurt and angry that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him sooner even though he understands why you couldn’t have.

So he leaves.  He aware that leaving without any explanations is the last thing he should do but he needs a walk to clear his head and sort his thoughts. All he can hope is that you don’t take his leaving in the wrong way and wait for a little while until he can find the right words to tell you.

It’s past midnight when he returns to your apartment, only to find you in the living room curled up on your couch cuddling with the cat he swears is your actual boyfriend. “Y/N,” he calls out, making you turn towards the door.

“Kaikai?” you stutter, your eyes glazing over with relief– you’d been so sure he was gone for good. You want to say something else but he crosses the room to pulls you into a hug– the type that he reserves only for really emotional events. “I love you,” he tells you.

Those are the only words he tells you for the rest of the night. He only hopes you can understand everything he wants to say but can only act on. He can’t do anything for you– he can’t make you empty promises like they do in movies because he knows only too well how unpredictable the future is and he can’t make you okay– but he can stay for as long as you need him. He hopes that his sincerity can reach you when he holds you closer as you fall asleep in his arms.

[the1975attheirverybest]

I hope this okay to ask feel free to ignore if not but how do you manage to cope with people saying such inflammatory stuff about matty constantly? You seem very adjusted to it, I am usually alright at ignoring it and I know its not true but sometimes I see things people say and I feel a bit sick because that's what people think and what if they think I support that and idk. I get scared there might be truth in it sometimes even though I don't think that and it gets difficult to cope with. I really strongly believe in having nuance in a situation, being critical of the people you enjoy instead of blindly praising them and not putting people on pedestals, which is why I still engage with matty because to me he is a guy who says and does stupid things occasionally like most people realistically do. But people see it so black and white and you're either a good person or you're not and I hate that and it gets to me sometimes.

no worries at all! that's what fandoms are for. to debate and cope with things like this. especially at a weird time that this fandom seems to be in rn.

For me, it's a mixture of different things. The first being that I've tested my own beliefs and so I'm more sure of them than ever. That's part of what I love about being a fan of Matty. He's constantly challenging me. Whenever he does or says something that I personally wouldn't do, I stop and ask myself why. Would I not do it because I think it's wrong? or would I not do it because I have been conditioned to behave a certain way automatically (whether by culture, by upbringing, by societal expectations of women and femininity, etc) and its never occurred to me that there might be an alternative until he just showed me? So, that way, my own thinking is under the microscope, and if something doesn't hold up, I get rid of it, if something remains firm then I have to agree to disagree with him on it (the nepo baby thing is a good example of that. He's just wrong there, lol. Sorry Matty.)

I had a similar moment of doubt to what you're describing when the podcast shitshow happened. Cuz I wasn't entirely disgusted by it. Did I think that some jokes were tone-deaf? Yeah. But I didn't feel AS offended as everyone who was saying they no longer support the band, or their opinion of him has changed forever, or that hes not the same guy who wrote "loving someone" or "love it if we made it" or "jc2005gba" or "people," and hes showing his true colors or whatever. So, I was like "broooo am I the problem? am I blind? is his sexiness making me think that he could do no wrong and its to the detriment of my moral character? so I went back and listened to the podcast THREE FUCKIN TIMES. After some thinking, I felt like okay some jokes really shouldn't have been made, period. Like he fucked up at a handful of moments, BUT the VAST MAJORITY of the reactions were to things taken out of context and were exaggerations of how one SHOULD react. fucking up doesn't mean he's secretly evil and it doesn't cancel out all the good that he's done.

So, I walked away from the whole situation even firmer in my beliefs about what is appropriate and what's not, what I personally stand for as a human, and what I believe about Matty's character. Which is why, when I see that shit that people are saying now, I'm like "they're a bunch of morons." cuz I thought about it and know what's what. I think they did as well maybe they wouldn't be saying half the shit that they are saying. Kissing fans at a show after checking their ID to see that they're of age and after they've consented to it and BEGGED for it is NOT grooming. Saying that he likes hot women is NOT misogynistic, "thank you Kanye very cool" is a LITERAL TWEET by Donald Trump used in an ironic context of a protest song, it's NOT anti-semitic. you see where im going with this...

Does it break my fuckin heart when I see people wishing him relapse and overdosing and death? fuck yeah. This person stopped me from killing myself i don't wanna see people wishing him dead! ESPECIALLY that half the time, I remember that interview moment where he said that he gets nervous when hes not with "my people." like he's aware that hes rough around the edges, he knows it takes a moment to, like, figure out who he is and that not everyone gets it, and he's genuinely grateful to those of us who have given him the space to be himself and who believe in his art enough to take a moment and think about what he does to the point where it makes him feel safe and he doesn't take it for granted. So, to picture him, perhaps scrolling online or whatever and seeing people say this vile shit about him....it makes me sick to my stomach. But I try and deal with it in three ways. 1) I remind myself who Matty truly is (he didn't HAVE to put hijab wearing women in TOOTIME we are literally invisible to popculture i never see myself represented anywhere. we are not considered a demographic at all; he didn't HAVE to write LIIWMI, he didn't HAVE to give airtime to the speech that he gave at the brits in 2019, he doesn't HAVE to go out of his way to support the artists that Dirty Hit supports and keep in touch with young people's concerns, etc) That's Matty. He's always saying that people take girl fandoms for granted but younger female fans are smarter than him and have taught him so much. HE LEARNS from his fans. he doesn't think of us as something has accumulated because of his genius or whatever. 2) I remind myself that this isn't really about Matty at all. These swifties don't believe in being social justice warriors! if they did, they'd be okay with calling out taylor for her mistakes. Or they wouldn't be so nasty as to threaten to listen to her stolen music and stop supporting her re-records. They want justification for their hatred of Matty, and cuz matty's mistakes are so public, they have a lot to use against him. People who use his mistakes and his addiction against him aren't people I should concern myself with. what they believe is worth shit to me. Where do they get off calling him a bad person when they're dragging him for things he didn't even do???? yeah, they can go to hell for all I care. When someone has a legitimate criticism of him, or when he does something actually bad, then I'll listen. Like I did when the pod happened. 3) I live in my happy little bubble, lmao. I SCROLLLL bestie. SCROLLL past them comments. I know that shit is gonna break my heart and ruin my day, so I will not subject my eyeballs to it. At most, if it shows up against my will as it sometimes does on tiktok, I'll remind myself that the stupidity of the human race is kinda funny, I'll laugh about it, imagine Matty's brutal humor making a meme out of it if he were still online, crack myself up. and move on...

Unfortunately, people who don't take the time to actively seek growth remain in their black and white thinking. Just because a massive number of people think something is true, doesn't mean it is. recent political changes across the planet have definitely shown us that there can be great idiocy in greta numbers, lmao. this is no different.

Sorry this is a long ass rant. you were probably looking for a concise and simple response but i just....dont know that there is one, lol. Hope this helps but i know how you feel and it's really hard to remain calm in the face of it all. ohhh god. hopefully it ends soon.

[linkware]

Today i got a meeting bc my numbers were low for a second day in a row and when i mentioned that id probably be faster if i wasnt experiencing A Pain in my body and he mentioned that i could go home but itd be another occurance and then said "the two excuses i hear the most are pain and the freight being bad, and from the looks of it youre fine and the freight is too" like im sorry i havent had a period in 6 months and i think my uterus is trying to invert itself inside of my body. Be nice to me before i explicitly describe what that feels like in detail to you and we both have to go to HR about it!!! But switching happened after to handle the Emotions and i asked him to do a random safety audit on me without telling me and i passed just fine so he said as long as i keep a steady pace through the night like i did when he audited ill be fine and we got the number back higher.

I still have to think about my job as a combination of school and salmon run to survive it but whatever works for me i guess. Have to be here i go on break when they tell me and i have to meet a quota.

I get praise if i meet it and a passive agressive talking to if i dont. This is so mr grizz coded. Also its stupid to expect 100% productivity when you, yourself, said that it takes roughly 6 weeks to get your body adjusted to the constant movement and ive been here for FOUR. And only 2 weeks actually doing things in my area hands on. Which is 7 days bc i havent worked tomorrow. Thays bananas and i think its silly so idc.

Also the rule that "if you need to rearrange a box so it fits then you packed it too full" is really stupid and i dont follow it because if i have a big cardboard box sitting on all of the smaller ones it wont fit but if i just move everything on top of it its fine. It literally takes less time than closing a partially full box bc that takes me longer than just dumping the box onto the line, putting the big item in, then putting stuff back ontop AND THEN closing the box. I can easily put more in this box without going over the handle. You want me to make a wasted movement to prevent a different one. I am very proud of my ability to follow rules unless they are stupid and no one can give me a better answer than "um its just the rules" like. Okay then unless its like some actual problem im gonna keep doing it suck my peanits.

I am also considering just giving myself a lunch budget for the workweek instead of prepping lunch bc i actually cannot handle doing the dishes during the week bc before work and after work is my only free time </3 i dont want to touch something gross or wet </3 ill do the trash or sweep or clean A Surface but dishes is no so tomorrow morning im gonna knock them out so i can enjoy the weekend and stuff cuz im gonna cook alot of tomato and feta to freeze sauce abd i can sense the dishes already

Overall today was mid. Again. And one of my coworkers i thought was nice put his two weeks in but i figured hed prolly get fired soon cause hes taken off more than hes worked so hes def out of PTO and u only get two absences/occurances in ur 90 day/orange vest (im at 1 out of 2 en and im scared idk how he does it) and his brother bit the snot out of his arm and left a huge bite wound while on meth and he lost custody (tbf his apartment is getting demolished due to rain damage... but from what he said he shouldve gotten it instead but im a bystabder in all of this. I hope the kid has a nice life she doesnt deserve to be between the drama her parents have)

I think is freakeng weed time bc im sooo emotions still. And i have an edible for edible + park tome so im Considering tomorrow taking it and going to the park around 5 am for a Magical Time with the sunrise