#ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine

[rapidhighway]

stressed

I have to fight family again

[saguette]

What do you think Johnny's art looked like before he was stripped of his powers? This is something that bugs me a lot, and I'm curious about what you think.

ok i needed to draw a few shitty pictures to demonstrate cuz i wanted to talk about more than just his previous art but his art journey in general IDC if there's some canon tweet that proves something i said wrong or out of timeline these are my headcanons and projections so you either like it or not.. anyways I think his style pre-pre-JTHM (lets say 15-18) depicted many things, He was good at realism and fluctuated just fine between stylized art and big hefty works with a lot of detail. His stylized works looking similar to Jhonens and the whole 2000's artstyle cuz its fitting.

Of course he's like, a late teenager around this time so its GOOD but not perfect. If you pulled up a few of his drawings from this time he would probably be embarrassed by all the disproportionate limbs and goth girls he sketched and thought were badass. He probably has old sketches of friends in his style regardless if they asked to be drawn or not since his art was something he was proud of and people around him made him feel proud of. His old art also feels like it'd have anime elements unintentionally to add to that amateur artist swag. Johnny doesn't like anime copies but stuff he rips inspo from was anime inspired so it rubbed off on his work too. Moving onto PRE-JTHM (18-20) Is when his art started to get more serious and complex. In his happy era he took to drawing lovecraftian horror sometimes but it was always the secondary focus of any drawing.

Moving out and growing up was around the time his mental state started to worsen and he started using art to cope with emotions rather than just use it for fun, drawing complex monsters was a subconscious way to depict underlying mental illness that's out of his hands. He cant depict what he doesn't know he has, he can only scribble things that feel someone close to him because there is no physical appearance to emotions. He never liked his art around this time because it always felt unfinished or wrong or like it just didn't interpret what he wanted right. Overtime his art lost coherent appearance, quality, and meaning which made it feel worthless. It wouldn't be all that bad but it reached a point not even he knew what it was trying to be and it was frustrating. How can your own art not make sense to you? Its weird to let your hands go and do their own and you not recognize what they're trying to say. Which leads to SHORTLY BEFORE JTHM-and later.. Johnnys NEW preferred method for art currently is a little abstract, it became two extremes of the same thing; nothing. his art lost alot of what it used to be so he says he cant draw anymore.

Johnnys lovecraftian horror art slowly engulfed itself over time and always becomes an abstract mess. Its purposely made to be incomprehensible by having too much, regardless if its creation is poetic, an outside view not being able to tell what it is or how much work went into it is on purpose. its metaphorical or whatever.. Johnnys fucked up or something.. Whereas Noodleboy i imagine was made by him drawing a stickfigure one day to see if he can still "draw" and overtime gave him his features like angry eyes and that big hair, creating his own sort of vent sona to replace the sketchy abstract art he used before. Noodleboys chaoticness is too sporadic to rip any meaning off of, he also purposely represents nothing. His existence uses up paper the same way, just without all the extra effort. SORRRYYYY long tangent thats probably super messy i just winged it. but i cant help myself ive thought about this for a while ik i didnt strictly answer the question but i had so much more to say

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Ok so what would Mihawk be like with a lover who is very bipolar... like their happy on minute and angry the next how would he calm them down🤔 or yk they get a lil bratty and he gotta put them in their place🌚

WaitwaitwaitwaitWAIT

Hold the F UP, Mihawk AND psychology? You're spoiling me 🤭❤️

Oooooh I can't not do this one right now.

Kinda personal because I have some issues that can result in bi-polar tendencies, so this hits quite close to home for me.

I've rewatched this scene a totally normal amount of times I swear. Totally normal.

Mood Swings

OPLA! Mihawk X Reader

Mostly SFW headcanons, only the slightest bit suggestive, kinda hurt/comfort I suppose

Trigger Warning ⚠️ (possibly) for mental health issues, bi-polar and related disorders

♬♫ Rosanna - The Fratellis ♫♬

Baby, you're a mess, I confess

But I guess that I'll save you one of these days

Mihawk doesn't exactly have the patience of a saint, but he still honestly has more patience than most—you don't dedicate your life to becoming the world's greatest swordsman and actually achieve that goal without at least a touch of patience.

Your mood swings amuse him more than anything. Not a cruel sort of amusement, but a more endearing one. You remind him a bit of a cat—sweet and playful one minute, then all claws and bared teeth the next.

Though as amusing as it can be, he sees how it drains you, mentally and physically, and that more than anything is reason enough for him to stay patient with you in the moment.

He'll keep a level tone, just tells you to calm down, even while you're yelling at the top of your lungs that you are calm, yelling insults and potentially hurtful words.

He can't help but smirk a little at how quickly you fly off the handle, which probably doesn't help your own anger, but he really can help but find it a little entertaining, even a little enticing.

Oh, he wants to shove you against a wall, pin your hands over your head and murmur in your ear for you to behave yourself, to just devour you then and there—but he knows that now isn't the time. That can come later, after you've calmed down.

So he just keeps up a calm and reasonable air about himself and lets you vent out whatever frustrations you need to, taking it with a grain of salt because he knows that it won't last.

Just gives a little sigh once you have calmed down, once you've apologized for whatever you have said or done in your anger.

Tells you it's fine, pulls your head down to rest on his lap while he combs his fingers through your hair until your tension has eased off the rest of the way, not faulting you for your moment of vulnerability. Might tauntingly mention that he *should* punish you for being so troublesome, but he's honestly more focused on ensuring you recover.

He really has more trouble dealing with your depressive episodes—he can't stand the thought of you being so low that you can't even pull yourself out of bed.

Mihawk understands that patience is absolutely vital in such cases, but he's not sure whether it's better to give you space or keep you company; to try to convince you to talk, to just hold you quietly, or to leave you to your own devices until you recover on your own.

So in those instances, he's a bit all over the place, and more than a bit frustrated. More likely to be short or snappish in spite of himself. He desires complete control over all aspects of his life, and being at a loss of what to do drives him up a wall, especially if it concerns your well-being and his ability (or inability) to fix it.

He's not going to put you in your place for anything until he's sure you've leveled out, that it won't trigger you or make things worse.

Not until you're able to calmly discuss what's been going on with you, until you're able to laugh and smile and breathe easy in the wake of your own turbulent emotions.

He might punish you relentlessly for being intentionally bratty, for being a sarcastic little shit and clearly doing it to test his patience for the fun of it. In that case, he might pin you to the bed, might tease you to the very edge of sanity, might make you beg and plead for relief or release, but only then.

You're still his lover, and he doesn't have any intention of hurting you in any way that could be lasting, in any way that isn’t consensual—in any way that could make your inner turmoil any more difficult to bear.

[sweetchildcloud]

Welcome Tenshi(Angel)✧⁺⸜(●′▾‵●)⸝⁺✧

/ᐠ. ｡.ᐟ\ᵐᵉᵒʷˎˊ˗ Welcome to my humble writing/art blog, i will start by saying this: I'm Italian. My English isn't horrible but, it isn't the best either. I am bound to make mistakes and there will be misunderstandings but, I am learning! If you are bothered by anything I might say please do tell me right away! Most of the times that happens I do not mean it! So I'm sorry in advance if I say something bad! i'm a writer as an hobby so my work will not be the best but i will hope it will entertain you!( ๑‾̀◡‾́)✨ I'm an adult, if you're uncomfortable with that you're free to ignore me. I'm also sorry if I make anyone uncomfortable by asking their age. I don't want any misunderstanding to happen. So, if you're an adult we can chill whatever it's fine. If you're a minor I will most likely not talk to you unless you need help with mental problems. I'm happy to help with that.٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و "By "misunderstandings" I mean people thinking I have bad intentions when I ask "what's your age" to someone. Unfortunately because of my lack of knowledge in English, (since it isn't my first language) people in the past thought I was something I'm not. It made me disgusted and very hurt. I just want to relax and not worry about problems like that again. I'm just trying to make friends not start drama. Thank you. ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀) i go by Von mostly but i have many other nickames too such as Hoen,Momoko and Minty you can choose wichever you like. i have adhd,autism and neurodivergent. (｡- .•) i'm emo (kinda still doesn't have the clothing but ehh i will) pansexual and gender fluid (ฅ́˘ฅ̀)

ʚ(´꒳`)ɞ .｡✧･ﾟ:* ~♡ (｡>﹏<)

i mostly wrote about Gojo (what a surpise uh?)(ugh,shut up not now)(ok angel *winks*)(*rolls eyes*) *ahem* as i was saying i mostly write about Gojo but i'm starting to love Choso too and many other jjk characters. wanna check out my more dark themes? check out: @rabbidbunwy (this account is jjk runt,writing and really REALLY dark themes,so minors DNI) —ฅ/ᐠ. ̫ .ᐟ\ฅ — Request: My jjk master list: My Hazbin Hotel master list: fic challenge list: Daddy!au masterlist: Cowboy bebop masterlist:

HSR[honkai star rail] masterlist

check them out!:

one piece blog

i'm into fluff,comfort,drama,NSFW,SFW,gore,blood,angst and vent so my writing isn't for everyone (lol). ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝) i love making suffer anime characters in my writing,especially Gojo,just for fun or own entertainment.( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ i'm into furry,cute stuff such as Sanrio characters and similar taste,urban legend,japanese lore,cartoons,cryptids and videogames. so if you dont like any of that stop following me and/or harassing me in my dm,it's not cool and i will block you ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ ) i'm dealing with depressin,anxiety and many problems in my life so if you see me not replying and/or writing a lot of angst/vent i'm just probably venting. ( •̯́ ₃ •̯̀)

but as i said i hope you will have a wonderful time here (♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)

ଘ(´•×•)⊃━☆.•° ✿ °•.

[fumiku]

Kabrinmickuro Tinder AU

Imagine Mickbell with a tinder profile.

The AU has a Mickrin focus but there are kabrinmick and kurokabu shenanigans happening on the side so this is the schedule this is the situation buckle up, have the tangled mess that is their quartet

Ok so. Tinder AU. His tinder profile is terrible ofc and she only swipes right because they’re ex coworkers and she’d have felt bad + obligation + some pity and concern + morbid curiosity + vindication about kabru and freedom probably. So they chat and meet up but the flirting gets stamped down pretty quickly and instead they become buddies where they meet up to vent and talk.

The thing is, this is set in a modern au right, and it’s set the same year when Kabru and Rin go their own ways. College has ended and they’re going to univeristy, and Kabru picked a great medicine university… That’s on the other side of the country. He didn’t talk to her about it or ask for her thoughts at all, and Rin had assumed they’d be going to the good one in the same city they moved to attend the local college for. And she could follow him and get into the same one, but she doesn’t. Her personal arc of growing beyond Kabru and not uprooting her life and centering it around him has started and she’s like, oh, ok, fine whatever then. Kabru pretty much expected her to follow him when he told her about it even if the notion kinda annoyed him because he easily feels stifled, but he feels conflicted when instead she just goes congrats & good luck and lets him go.

MEANWHILE!! Kuro is also going away to university. Mickbell and Kuro are roommies ofc, and Mick’s a highschool dropout or just finished highschool or some such, doing jobs here and there. (Rin and him probably worked together in retail or such at one point. Rin maybe remembers Kuro as that really quiet coworker, but also it’s fun if she doesn’t know him yet too…) Kuro had followed Mickbell’s lead thus far (idk how i can make this line up with him possibly attending Kabru’s school though hmmm. Maybe kuro just never stopped education even when Mick did, just working a lot too when not in class. Maybe it’s a special university social program and that’s why Kuro gets a tutor?) but he’s been feeling a want for more. So of course Mickbell is PISSED and refuses when Kuro brings up he wants to move into an university dorm for the next semester, but unlike in canon here he’s able to just, leave. So he puts his foot down and is like, no Mick I need to experience the world for myself, I am seeking higher education!!!! Wether you approve or not!! Though he’s still gentle after with him once it sinks in for Mickbell that Kuro’s not changing his mind.

Guy who couldn’t follow his most important person to university because he doesn’t have the brains the grades or the means and girl who could follow hers but chose to let go because it was destroying her and she’s tired……..

Gbdvcjdh making a horrendous tinder profile was Mick’s way of going through the kuro breakup aftermath… Sobbing in his bed mascara running down his red cheeks as he writes "no pain no gain and baby I’ve lost consciousness from injuries several times in my life and I’m still broke rn so it’ll catch on soon and I’ll be rich just you wait everyone will be sorry for having left actually" Hitting people up in dms like a man possessed being way too agressively flirty and coming on thick bc he’s awfully coping. Rin swiping on the awful profile of her ex-coworker out of pity and morbid curiosity He posts pics of his "dates" with Rin on his socials to try and fail to make Kuro jealous (Kuro worries if anything) Mick handling the separation way worse than Rin she’s just kinda sad and melancholic and feels aimless sometimes but he’s mourninggg breaking downnn singing conceal don’t feel at 2 am

Kabru and Kuro take flights back to this city sometimes to visit~ Bc it’s like co-brainstormed with Toby this is kabrinmick and many many shoujo comedy love triangle shenanigans happens there with that but in my heart……… Kabru and Kuro having an university romance. Bromance at the very least… Maybe Kabru is Kuro’s tutor What would Kuro study… Economics… Linguistics… Psychology…. Some specific work program like idk eletric engineering……. Yeah this is the non-mickrin I was working towards. Gbdgdgd sorry, yay university romance kabukuro have all this context for the mickrin

To quote myself: In the end they become a 4 person household and everyone is uncomfortable /hj Wait in this au Kuro and Mick could actually possibly end up living apart woah what a concept

Co-brainstormed with @cranechel back in like july, more details from when we were developing it for more kabrin and nuggets of comedy gdbdg

I want the romcom sitcom bs for this AU but also in the angst route it’s 2 heartbroken people who lost their respective codependent relationship and smoking weed together in a dump after having cried a lot (their ‘dates’ lmao. Yes mick your hot date game is great. I bet he posts pics of them on his social hoping kuro sees and seethes and runs back to him) teasing that edge of having a codependent relationship themselves (cue Mick following Rin to the airport lmao)

I always have my hands in mickrin aus and timelines and this or that and lately kabrinmick also and it’s fun to me to think about kabukuro on the side there. In my vague mind relationships chart mickrin is happening kicking and screaming and then off to the side there are just Kabru and Kuro, chilling. Lmao

[peridotporygon]

redoing my pinned because uhh i wanted to ^_^

tldr; my name is pory, i go by he/him and this is a blog where i scream into the void about my intrests and ramble about my ocs :)

+ check out my pokefarm!

pronouns.cc (more info on how to refer to me)

also note: this post will probably be updated a lot as my intrests change, also because i love editing my pinned lololol

▷ hello !! you can call me porygon or peridot or any other iteration of my url ^_^ !! i'm still trying to figure out a name for myself so it might change at some point, but porygon is fine for now!!

▷ !!!i am a minor!!! please be normal about that!!

▷ please try and use he/him and masculine terms for me !!! i also use xe/xem and a handful of other prns but i prefer he/him!!

▷ i am very socially anxious but i love making mutuals!! just ask me :>

▷ i'm transmasc and aroace, and i also collect a ton of xenos!!

▷ i'm otherhearted and relate a ton to nonhuman creatures (especially aliens and cats!!) call me a CREATURE. i am an ANOMALY!!!

▷ i have audhd (professionally diagnosed adhd and kind of?? diagnosed autism,) as well as diagnosed OCD. i might be slightly awkward or unnatural in conversations, please be patient with me!! :D

▷ i'm very prone to derealization and paranoia, please do your best to not directly mention triggering topics around me as they trigger really bad intrusive thoughts

what i'll post about !

▷ mostly fandom related stuff

▷ general art stuff

▷ my ocs!

▷ aus ive created

▷ random rambling about things

tagging guide & sideblogs !

#pory.pdf — me talking about whatever i want, usually related to fandom stuff or just me getting autistically excited™️

#arts.exe — my art tag!

#tw vent — me venting, block this tag if needed (i honestly just need to scream into the void, you aren't obligated to offer support)

#crystalmon — a steven universe x pokemon au i made, although i mostly stopped updating for now

#pmdau — a steven universe x pokemon mystery dungeon au, this one is slightly more active

#oc tag: [x] — specific ocs

#pory gaming hours — usually me liveblogging my pokemon nuzlocke experiences or whenever i start a new game

#poryblog — random life events, literally me just blogging :p

@pixelsgifs — gif and web resources blog, i also make stamps and userboxes there

@cosmic-message — alterhuman blog (if you know me irl please ignore this one)

pokemon irl / rotomblr blogs ! (note: all rotomblr stuff is currently on hiatus due to school + mental health, and i'm working on redoing their stories :p )

@nells-universe — a cryptid and alien investigator who always seems to have unexplainable things happen to her... at the cost of her own health. [most active]

@poke-dexter — nell's older brother, and a former evil team member who's trying to navigate the world without the "supports' of the team.

@team-ethereal-official — an extremely annoying rich kid with a plan to exterminate the galar region of all "ugly" pokemon. totally doesn't have a crush on lysandre :3

intrests !

☆ pokemon (special interest)

☆ steven universe (hyperfixation)

☆ the scp foundation

☆ pokemon mystery dungeon

☆ competitive pokemon (mostly on showdown)

☆ aliens and cryptids

☆ meow wolf (THoER and omega mart)

☆ cats & animals

☆ gravity falls

☆ liminal spaces

☆ analog & digital horror

☆ i saw the tv glow

☆ warrior cats

☆ sonic the hedgehog (mostly the idw comics)

☆ ok k.o

☆ rocks and minerals

☆ inanimate insanity

music !!

☆ will wood !!!

☆ alex g

☆ jack stauber

☆ roar

☆ phoebe bridgers / boygenius

☆ mitski

☆ adrienne lenker

☆ sign crushes motorist

characters !

peridot is currently THE character that occupies my brain right now. she's my blorbo. my skrunkly. the creature EVER.

other sillies include:

▷ clemont (pokemon xy)

▷ liko (pokemon horizons)

▷ lapis (steven universe)

▷ tangle the lemur (sonic)

▷ blaze the cat (sonic)

▷ dendy (ok k.o)

▷ eli / bones (scp 2721)

▷ GOOSEFEATHER😭 (wc)

▷ mapleshade (wc)

BYF / boundaries !

> i don't have a dni for fandoms or anything, as long as you don't directly support problematic creators (as in buying merchandise, concert tickets, etc.) i honestly couldn't care less about what you enjoy, because it's what YOU like!!

> on another note: if you actively hate on people's intrests, this isn't the place for you lol

> aspec people are literally queer. sorry. end of story. if you're going to deny that you should just..... leave

> don't make any romantic or sexual remarks towards me, even if it's a joke. i also dislike sexual jokes (especially if you're a stranger, it's just really weird)

> don't talk about anything existential or relating to human existence, it will literally cause me to go into a spiral

> in general, just be a nice person. don't be discriminatory on here, this is a safe place

> i'm not intrested in contact with people outside of tumblr, so please don't ask for any of my socials or contact information.

thank you for listening to me and respecting my boundaries!!!

[sweetdreamspootypie]

🙃

I'm flying out tomorrow

Had a good night tonight

But

Vent / processing / just capturing some of the stuff I've been thinking about

It's so strange how different my worldview is because I'm a Covid nurse

Or maybe everyone else is insane

Who is to say

TW car accident, child injury

Managed to go see the last set of cousins tonight

My aunt was like

" oh yeah last few days I've been really sick

Had a really bad flu

Still coughing actually

But we don't believe in taking to our beds for just a flu lol"

And my cousin mentioned she doesn't know when the last time she took a RAT test was. Didn't even recognize the name. Said "oh yeah that's kind of outdated"

And NOBODY I've talked to has even been aware that there are still Covid booster vaccines happening and relevant?

They only ever had the initial course of 3 or 4 and then stopped? Didn't even know that further boosters are a thing at all?

and cousin told me that you don't take time off work for Covid here because it's not considered life threatening anymore

What the fuck is wrong with england

Why would you invite guests over if you actively have the flu?

Fuck man

Like it was actually a pretty good evening and it will probably be fine

But it's just so weird seeing the increasing divide in basic values

Like yeah I value hard work and discipline and etc etc and I want to get better at it

But how do these people value self care so little?

Idk I'm just hyper aware of it as well bc of my family's thing with chronic fatigue syndrome and how precarious wellbeing is

But also stuff like

Hard work is "being responsible" because idk doing your part at work on the project or whatever

But in my line of work

If I don't rest

If I don't eat or take my breaks or I haven't been sleeping well or burn out

Then I cannot provide the healthcare to others that is needed

I've got such vivid visceral memories of standing there as I'm realizing I need to hit the medical emergency big red button, at times when I'm over tired and not feeling my best self

Feeling my words and thoughts running like treacle and just being so aware of oh shit I'm not actually up for being responsible for this right now actually

And when I'm in that state and the adrenaline hits, it just makes it worse

I can feel my heart pounding in my ears and my dehydration headache and having to muster ok I have to be reassuring and communicative and make sure I'm dexterous enough to manage a complex situation

And if I can't manage it, people get hurt

And there's a very real risk that someone gets closer to death than they needed to, or would have if I had been on the ball and my best self

The other day, on Monday

I had a coffee at 12 noon

It was a really nice rich mocha from a chocolate specialist

I'm not accustomed to caffeine any more these days, so I was awake until 4am Monday night

On Tuesday night, despite being tired, I was also awake til 3am because of the disturbance to my sleep schedule it caused

On Wednesday, I was feeling gross from the sleep disturbance. I went to my room and tried to take an afternoon nap

At 4pm on Wednesday, there was a car accident outside of our house. A car hit a 3 year old child crossing the road with his mother.

My dad came to get me because I'm a nurse and that's my job.

When he came in I was in a groggy half asleep haze

I had my shoes on and was out the door but was still carrying a head of groggy haze

The kid was fine

Someone else was checking him out, asking all the right questions

And within a couple of minutes an ambulance arrived, and got to do a further assessment

It looked like the child had a bit of a bumped knee, probably from where he fell, but was otherwise just fine

Mum with him was being a champion at visibly keeping it together until tonight after the kids are put to bed, when she'll fall apart

I was able to be there to see that it was under control and looked on until the ambulance arrived

But I was so aware that I wouldn't able to clearly speak. Wouldn't be able to project calming competence with even just the simple fact of introducing myself as a health worker available if needed

Everything was fine

But if it hadn't been

I would not have been able to fulfil my role

Because I hadn't taken proper care of myself

I'm going to remember my guilt over one badly planned coffee I had on Monday, for years

Because my job is to be the one who knows how to make it alright when everything is wrong

Why the fuck can't other people do the simple things like isolate if sick

And not expose illness to people going back to the home of their 89 year old grandmother

I don't want to live to work

I want to live well

And wellness and happiness are important values and resources

And not contradictory with working hard to make progress on goals

People need to learn to rest

I didn't realize how bad it was

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

What about Crowlien doing something extra spooky and, if you’ll pardon the pun, alienating, scaring the shit out of Aziraphale (and then afterwards working very hard to reassure them that it's cool it's ok theyre safe)

The only thing I can think of that works for this is if Crowley's alien brain kicks in hard and they kinda just go into spooky default mode.

Warning: Crowley being scary, for once, acidic spit, injury

On with the fic!

--

Aziraphale shouldn't be scared, there wasn't any need for that. He and Crowley, along with Bentley, were the only lifeforms on this ship. They had to be, Aziraphale made sure of it. All the doors were sealed tight, the vents wouldn't let anything into the ship, the monitors only registered them as being aboard.

But Crowley had been antsy lately, constantly jumpy, always acting like something was following them. It had Aziraphale worried, but Crowley gestured that they were fine, just... a bit muddled, probably. Aziraphale shouldn't be worried, he shouldn't be scared.

But he was.

He hadn't seen Crowley in hours, and it was hard to pin point them on the monitors, they seemed to always be moving, and when they stopped...

Well, Aziraphale didn't want to make assumptions or comparisons, but it was almost like Crowley was hunting.

For his own sake, Aziraphale had locked Bentley in his quarters, just to make sure nothing happened to her. He was out in the halls, a scanner in one hand, a taser in the other. He would never hurt Crowley, but if something was wrong, that had Crowley on the prowl, he couldn't be walking about without some sort of protection, from whatever threat could be there, and from...

There was a low growling from behind him, following by hissing and Aziraphale ducked into a doorway, carefully peering out. He could see the familiar figure of Crowley, hunched over, hands pressed to the floor, snarling, teeth wet with drool.

Their hair was an even worse mess than normal, and their tail was swishing back and forth. They looked like they were searching for something, the sound of sniffing could be heard in the quiet hallway.

Aziraphale slipped into the room, pressed against the wall, just out of sight in the darkness. He could hear their hands and feet gently pad against the metal floors, their tail scraping against surfaces. The noises stopped just outside of the doorway, and Aziraphale could see their shadow on the ground in the light.

Then Crowley entered into the dark room, head slowly turning this way and that as they rose to their full height. If Aziraphale was careful enough, quiet enough, he could slip past...

But he bumped into something, and heard something fall to the ground with a clatter.

Crowley turned sharply, and it was terrifying to see their eyes almost glowing in the dim light from the doorway. Acidic yellow eyes stared right in his direction, the pupils so thin that they were nearly swallowed up by the yellow.

The scariest part was that Crowley didn't seem to recognize Aziraphale at all as they approached, growling. Aziraphale should run, should use the taser, but he couldn't move. He could only watch as his partner approached him as a hunter would we confronting their cornered prey.

They stood over Aziraphale, then arched down, snarling, their spit bubbling and dripping. Some landed on Aziraphale's maintenance suit, he could hear a sizzling sound but he didn't care. Their mouth opened, revealing a long, thin tongue that sliced across Aziraphale's cheek, and the burn from the spit seemed to register to Aziraphale now.

He gasped and jabbed the taser against Crowley's stomach and pressed the button. There was a horrible screeching from the creature before they dropped to the ground, twitching. Aziraphale threw the taser and ran.

He didn't stop until he got to this quarters and he locked the door. He kept his back pressed to it, eyes staring at nothing as he tried to understand what happened. Crowley tried to kill him, he injured Crowley in return. Why did this happen? What was going on?

He didn't seem to snap out of his thoughts until he heard gentle clawing on the other side of the door, then a few soft thumps. Aziraphale swallowed, not budging, not responding. There was a muffled, questioning growl from the other side.

That sounded like Crowley, HIS Crowley, the one who loved him and would never hurt him. The one who cuddled with him on a bed that didn't fit the both of them.

Bentley was at his side, making soft mewing sounds and Azirphale sighed, getting up. He slid the door open and looked at Crowley, who was seated on the floor, hand raised to claw again. They looked up at him, eyes looking confused and worried, the slit pupils their normal width once more.

Crowley made an alarmed sound and reached up to touch Aziraphale, but backed up, and that earned him a sad, hurt noise.

"Oh, it's... sorry, I just..." His cheek hurt as he spoke, and Aziraphale touched the burn. It was a long line, starting from his cheek and going towards his ear. It's frightening sometimes that he can feel pain, even as an android, a design flaw, really.

Crowley looked at him, and Aziraphale had to wonder if he remembered that they did this, that they had scared Aziraphale, injured him. He should tell them, let them know, but...

But he couldn't, he didn't want Crowley hating themself more than they already do.

"It's nothing, just a little accident." He smiled, covering the wound.

He had a feeling Crowley didn't believe him.

--

Sometimes alien brain goes brrrr, and Crowley doesn't remember shit.

Also, yes, Aziraphale now has a scar on his face! I've drawn him with one before, and I was like, how'd you get that? Acid spit! (Crowley's spit isn't always acidic, it mostly gets like that when they eat or when they hunt. Their biology is fucked up and works in weird ways).

[quiet-in-the-wild]

I’m just going to vent for a minute

So I got asked to illustrate Pride merch for this company

I asked for guidelines, color palettes & they gave me 4 illustrations of my own that they liked (3 of which were checkerboard backgrounds - this is important)

And about 20 illustrations of other people’s that they liked too

They said they wanted 6 illustrations I could use whatever colors I wanted

I made the 6 & they gave me a little feedback - “change protect queer kids to protect queer people” so I changed the wording a little on some & they said they wanted 3 more illustrations 2 without words & one just like another artists Illustration of different couples kissing & writing under each couple it like “you are valid”

and I said sure- but I’m not comfortable with that- that’s not my style I’ll make something with a similar message without people. So I made Matisse shapes and wrote things like Pride, authenticity, joy, under it.

Then they said oh btw I had to find all of the Pantone equivalent colors I used (ok fine but I would have appreciated knowing that earlier)

So I made the three others & changed the wording a little and found all the Pantone information (that took an entire day & was very frustrating because Pantone is the worst) and went to turn in the final versions

And they said.

They only want to move forward with 3 of 9

But- their research suggests checkerboard is trending down - so for 1 of them I need a new background, and they want a completely new font and new colors- maybe in a different style like one of the other artists references we sent.

And the really 2nd intricate one I need needs to be recolored in this particular color palette that we already had made up but never gave you even though you specifically asked.

And the third one needs a completely different font than all the other 3

And it all needs to be done in 1 day with no pay increase. (Which is really low - I probably shouldn’t have taken it in the first place) And by the way we don’t need the Pantone information. 🙄

Now I don’t draw on multiple layers- so a quick recolor isn’t possible I would have to completely redraw it.

I don’t use typography or know calligraphy. I’m not a graphic designer. I only have ever used 1 writing style in all of my works & it’s my handwriting. And changing it means a complete re-draw of the whole design. And 3rd I’m not stealing another artists style. & 4th my signature style which they referenced is checkerboard!

Thankfully I hadn’t signed any contract yet- and I still own all of my work. So I was just like- if you want my work as is- I’m happy to send it over but these changes are impossible to do in one day and frankly offensive.

& now I’m waiting for their response

[mcc1334]

Just talking into the void at this point 😅 Anyone, if you see and want to talk, cool, but also feel free to ignore this post, I just need to vent a little.

To no one person in particular... sometimes 8 just cant stand people. I have had my project car for a little over a year and a half now, got it like May 2022. I was told by everyone that they coukd and would help me get it on the road, otherwise I would never have touched something so outside of my ability. Fast forward to now, Ocotber 2023. I have gotten about 2 things done to the car out of the probably like 50 things that need to be done before it is on the road again. About 3 weeks ago I finally got a confirmed "everyone is out" basically so here I am, no help, and an unfinished car. No problem, its all on me, fine. Then its time for everyone to PISS OFF. No advice, no suggestions, no 2 cents, you all had your chance, so get out of the fuckin' way.

I call around, talk to a few shops, find one I feel comfy with that has a guy over 50 who knows about older cars. Not some young 22 year old saying "I can look at your 1967 car!" 🙄 No junior, I am good, I will go with the mechanic who used to work on these when they started in the industry. Tenatively set up an appointment to drop off the car and have them give it a once over and tell me what it will take to be DRIVEABLE. I wanted to take the week and think about a few things and make a list of the issues I knew of with the car before saying a final "yes" to getting it looked at. (There is a post buried on my blog with a little more info on the car if curious. It does have some tags like 1967 dodge etc, I think?)

Anywho, here is where I make my mistake. I start to mention on Monday and Tuesday, in passing, to 2 of the people (the ones who were supposed to help me) about finally making progress with the car and bringing it to a shop. Friday I called and confirmed the appointment, hammer dropped. Car will go there, Tag, you are it, tell me what I need to get it running when I drop it off. Hand clap, I am done. Ahhh, bliss... Now, all weekend, everyone is texting me again offering advice (something I asked for and was basically given 🤷‍♂️ as the answer from everyone before they bowed out) and telling me what shop to bring it to, or "let me call so and so and see if they have any ideas" or "you really should do this BEFORE you get the car running as it could damage the engine if not" 😑😶 . . . Like what the F U C K. SERIOUSLY? 😶 Now, now, NOW is when everyone crawls out of the wood work and wants to second guess things that I had discussed, in detail with them, for them only now to say there is a possible problem with the order of things I was trying to get the work done in?? 😵‍💫🤯🥴 I was basically seething when the last person I clearly told "dont call anyone, I am all set, I do not need to owe anyone any favors or anything. I am good. Dont worry about it" That donkey told me today "oh, I reached out to that guy who doesnt do this any more, that you told me to leave alone, and I told him you asked me to reach out to him to see if he would be interested in helping." Literally do the thing he always tells eveyone he doesnt do anymore cuz it is a pain and he doesnt want to? Wow, thanks... after I told you NOT to? Sweet...

So, yeah, kinda bullshit at everyone who told me they were done with helping but now has all kinds of advice and shit. Piss off, donkeys, I really cant wait to have this beast on the road and just drive by knowing the only thing they all did was slow me down from driving her sooner. And to smash the gas and light up the tires while they sit their with their kids in the family minivans. 🖕🏻

Ok, I am doing ranting into the void. At least for this matter.

Again, not really looking for nor expecting comments or whatever. Just needed to vent

[meat-the-sullivans]

ok ok but how does Cade deal with being sick? he doesn't seem like the "man flu" kinda guy, more "I'll keep going and act like nothing is wrong until I literally physically can't anymore"

would he let Candy take care of him? 🥺

also

Sully should tell Cylas about his medication trouble, maybe new ones will just appear

not stolen from the hospital or anything, of course

Sully isn’t an idiot, once his head is clear when his meds are back in his system, he’ll know exactly what happened to those pills, and how they conveniently showed up again only after Cade came back home.

But he’ll for sure send a text to Cylas telling her what happened. Probably hoping to meet up to vent. He’s starting to think he really can’t raise these kids alone. Which sucks, but he can’t control Cade and it stresses him out to unimaginable levels. He knows Cade can survive Juvey just fine, in fact in anything he’s concerned for the other kids locked up in there. But he doesn’t know how Dipper would respond to her uncle being taken from her.

And he WONT allow that to happen, no matter how pissed he is at his little brother. But he will have to come up with a punishment. Probably no Candy outside of school for 2 weeks. He can’t exactly ban Cade from going to school, the new principal just lifted his suspension and that wouldn’t be a good look if he just didn’t show up, or was calling in sick right away.

Cade’s also banned from babysitting duty for at least a month, until Sully can trust him again. Because we all know he’s not going to apologise for it. So he’s only allowed to go to school or to the shop with Sully, so my boy is gonna be extra irritable for a while. Probably crazy enough to sneak out and break into Candy’s room just so he can watch her sleep. That way she wouldn’t have to lie to Sully about “seeing him” after hours, she technically didn’t.

As far as being Sick though. It’s very rare with how vigilant and on top of things Sully is, that he lets any of them get sick. Well is Dip’s case, more sick than she already is. The second he hears a sniffle, he’s there with cough syrup and whatever else may help. If he did need a certain antibiotic that he can’t get because we all know Cade will NOT be going to a doctor, not if Sully wants to leave there without blood on their hands. He fucking hates doctors and hospitals. He would call in that favour with Cylas and ask her to steal some for him.

It’s very passive the way Sully takes care of him, just leaving the medicine or instructions on how to take them in places he knows Cade will be. Because Cade does not like being doted on, or having the attention on him.

He for sure denies being sick for the first few days, until it gets bad enough he can’t ignore it anymore. And I would say he’s “whiny” it’s not quite the right word. He’s genuinely just a pissy little brat about it. He has punched a hole in the wall before because he was so frustrated his body was “betraying him”. He thinks sickness is weakness, and we all know how Cade feels about weakness.

Surpassingly, I could see him going to Candy for comfort. Just depends on what type of sick he is. Regular Flu or cold, or migraine, she might have to initiate and tell him he can come to her, or that she wants to help. Candy is his “comfort item”, if that makes sense. But he’s too stubborn to admit he needs comforted half the time.

But if it was something like Covid, or he got diagnosed with something. He’d go to her first. He wouldn’t even know what he was doing until his legs already carried him all the way to her. He would be concerned about getting her sick. But if she insisted, he’s just crawl into bed with her and lay his head on her lap. Letting her soothe him, give him his meds, make him eat or drink water (still will be a baby about it, but he’ll listen to her more than Sully), hot water bottles, cool rags…

That sort of thing. If she or her mother made him soup. Internally he’d be so grateful. He’d try his best to express it, but we know how he is with expression too. He’d repay her by doing the same for her if she was sick. It might not be as tender, as he’s not used to caring for another living thing. But he’d try his best. Looking things up online, asking her mother, or possibly even Sully how he can help her.

Cade is almost half a year into his transition by now. But sometimes he does still get his periods. Those for sure he will go to Candy for, cause she understands them. And he knows she wouldn’t make him feel weird or dysphoric about it. She’s be very willing to distract him. He hates that it’s a constant reminder he was “born wrong”. And Sully should probably save to get him a hysterectomy as soon as he can. Because this idiot is dumb enough, that during a really bad spell of dysphoria and his mental illnesses flaring (because he refuses to take medication, unlike sully. He’ll only medicate for physical ailments) he would try and rip it out himself.

He also gets migraines and nose bleeds frequently because of his mental health. His brain is working overtime sometimes and he has episodes of what he calls “short circuiting” where his head is just screaming in searing pain, and just constant nose bleeds and tremors.

He wouldn’t be nearly as willing to go to Candy or ask for help if it was a mental ailment. Like I’ve said, everyone in the family has OCD. But Cade as ASPD and BPD on top of that. His brain can be very, very unkind to him. But he’d rather suffer that alone than ever admit he’d bad enough to need help.

I do think eventually if she really tried, or expressed how important it was to her. He would consider medication. (Maybe once he realises how much they do help, or or make you feel worse, he’ll have a new respect for Sully for choosing to stay on them despite how numb they make him feel sometimes.)

Candy is fully and honestly one of Cade’s obsessions. He can’t remove her from his mind no matter how hard he tries. He has constant impulsive and sometimes even intrusive thoughts about her. He didn’t mind the intrusive thoughts at first, until he went and fell in love. And now the thought of hurting her makes him physically I’ll. it can flare his migraines, he’s thrown up before after walking from a practically gruesome nightmare where Sully forced him to kill her.

He’s just a love sick puppy. She couldn’t honestly make him worse if she wanted to, and he wouldn’t even mind. He’d just accept it, as hell do whatever makes her happy. Sure it’s unhealthy, but he doesn’t care. He never wanted to feel this feeling, but now that he has, he’s addicted to it. Loving her, caring about her, feels nice. He doesn’t know how to express that in a “chill” or “normal” way.

So to answer your question, yes he would let Candy take care of him. Might take a while for him to open up to the idea. But he’d drop everything to take care of her without hesitation. He just needs to understand she’d do the same for him.

Tag: @shonkgobonk @bluecoolr-main @queer-and-utter-chaos @mothmans-kingdom @myers-meadow

[lemonhemlock]

Nothing wrong with self-inserting for a ship (harmless activity in the long run) but also I think this fandom would be more normal if we realized every ship is so thinly drawn that it’s just us taking whatever dynamic appeals to us and molding it however we want. Which is very fun! That’s the appeal of shipping in the first place. I actally think ASOIAF in general is the perfect fandom for shippers, because there’s a case to be made for literally everything, and usually enough of a base that you can play around and do what you want.

if we are to be honest, ship wars have probably existed since the dawn of fandom and will probably never disappear as a phenomenon. there's always going to be some peevish troublemaker somewhere with no manners making sport of other people's harmless pasttime. i keep giving harry potter examples bc, as a millennial, it was the first fandom i interacted with, but, even then, people were clawing each other's eyes out over harry/hermione and harry/ginny (harmony vs chocolateers or whatever the hell they were calling themselves lmao). anyway, it was as pointless then as it is now, but, when you're young, at least you can say it had its entertainment value for a while.

that being said, if you're over 13 years old and have been in fandoms for more than a hot minute, you should have accumulated enough wisdom to recognize & accept that people have shipped and will be shipping all sorts of wacky combinations anytime anywhere. so just be sensible about it. there's no need to like every ship just as equally there's no need to be personally offended when someone doesn't share the same tastes as you.

at the same time, it's one thing to be venting on your own blog about it and another to be going into other inboxes and excoriate it. 😆 obviously, things are not black and white, like, you can have a civil discussion with someone even if you disagree and i'm NOT saying that this was the case with the previous anon either. at the end of the day, no blood was shed and no harm done. but, in the context of a lot of ink being spilled on the topic already, knocking on someone else's door and saying "i don't like this thing you like because of random reasons" is a litlle "???". i mean, ok? what do you want me to say? 😭 write a whole-ass essay to convince you of the opposite? 🧍‍♀️ <small> i realise this is what i ended up doing anyway but, as the old adage goes, do as i say, not as i do!!! </small>

even with the self-insert topic, not everyone has to like it! it's fine! there should be space to recognise that a lot of them can be silly and kind of cringe and not everyone is the intended audience for that. it's not harmful or wrong (on the contrary), but it also can just not tickle someone's fancy. the solution is very simple: the back button on your browser. but it's a very blanket statement for disliking a ship bc, as we've already discussed, it's too widespread of a theme to be specific to any one pairing. so, if it applies to everyone, then it applies to no one, and what are we even doing here talking about it then.

now, when it comes to helaemond, i'm a bit flabbergasted by this critique, as a matter of fact. she IS a pretty under-developed character, in the sense that she receives little screen time and we are told rather than shown what she's like. but show!helaena has received some pretty distinctive traits like the gift of prophecy and an insect hobby. idk but it doesn't sound like a blank slate over which shippers can so easily project their own personality. do detractors really think this site is crawling (lol) with people fascinated by many-legged creatures? or who are uniquely melancholic because they are tortured by visions beyond their understanding? a bunch of entomologist cassandras just hanging out on this hellsite? i realise that this specific userbase holds many neurodivergent fans, but, it still seems to me that many critics haven't even read much helaemond fic, bc helaena is not exactly depicted as the girl next door. maybe i'm biased here but, at least with luke, i can see it more because he does kind of have an everyman vibe. 🤷‍♀️

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw talk of nail biting? and stimming ig? i dunno wtf to tag this with, sorry.

okay, this is gonna sound really stupid. like. ik this is me overreacting but i feel like i just need to talk about it. advice would be great but if you just want this to be a vent, that's fine. im Xra.

i bite my nails ok? i bite my nails, i like, gnaw on my hands, pick at my skin, shit like that, I always have. the gnawing thing is a stim, like, i'm autistic and sometimes i just have half my hand in my mouth trying to comfort myself or contain my feelings. which sounds gross, i know it does, trust me, i've been told, you don't have to tell me. i've tried to stop. i briefly stopped biting my nails. long nails are sensory HELL and something bad happened and i just fell right back into it and i never stopped any of the other stuff.

but i have a sister, who i avoid, bc she's mean to me most of the time. i don't mean like, 'ooh my sister is just annoying :/ i hate not being an only child', i mean she's always telling me shit like she used to hate me, and stuff i need to work on so that i'm not so "abrasive" or "weird" or telling me stories about every time i messed up when i was little and how stupid i looked, which is realy fun because some of those incidents i didn't even realize i was looking stupid! she makes me feel bad. ANYWAY. she also likes to point out and kind of pick on me for my nail biting shit.

but she pointed it out when my mom was in the room. and most people don't say anything about it bc they know im very self conscious about it. but my sister was going on and on about how i needed to get a handle on it and how it looked nasty and then she turned to my mom and she was like right? and my mom, who usually says nothing at all about it! and has never been mean about it like this! went off on a tangent about how my dad bites his nails, his mom bites her nails, and how its a "generalational curse" from his side and how i'll probably do it all my life and chip my teeth and wear down my nails and have all sorts of complications that i'll have to deal with because she can't handle trying to convince me to stop. it was just. i was straight up crying. it was awful.

i guess it was meant to be a wake up call for me. and i guess i get it. its disgusting. and i'm fucked up or whatever. but i can't stop. especially bc of the whole autism and stimming shit. i know it's stupid to get upset because. she's right, i SHOULD stop, it is bad, ect ect, but i can't stop feeling really hurt about it because like-she never even apologized and she just pretends it didn't happened but now i feel even worse about it all and even more anxious, which makes me do it more. :/

Hi Xra,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not alone.

While biting nails may be a destructive behavior depending on how serious it is, the way your family has approached it seems to be exacerbating it. It sounds like your family shames you for doing this, which may be making you do it more, or feel more secretive or shameful about it. But feeling shameful about it or wanting to hide it is not really going to address the situation or make you feel comfortable enough to work towards a healthier substitute.

It sounds like your sister is constantly criticizing you, and not in a constructive way. It doesn't sound like she necessarily wants you to improve or do what she can to foster a supportive environment in which you feel encouraged to work on improving, rather it sounds like she makes snide comments like that she used to hate you and just overall making you feel insecure. Though your sister may be frustrated with your nail biting, there are far more considerate and helpful ways to address it.

While I don't know the exact extent of your nail biting habits, it's worth considering that biting one's nails is actually extremely common, and though some people may see it as gross, it's mainly just seen as a sign of stress. It's essential to have healthier coping mechanisms in place that provide comfort and help you manage stress and anxiety. Exploring alternative stims or finding calming activities can be helpful in redirecting the need for stimming through nail biting.

It's important to remember that changing a long-standing habit takes time and patience. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects, try to approach this with self-compassion and understanding. Know that you deserve support and encouragement in finding healthier ways to manage your stress and emotions.

If you feel comfortable, you may want to discuss your concerns with a therapist who specializes in autism or anxiety. They can provide guidance and strategies specific to your needs. Additionally, seeking out online communities or support groups for individuals with similar experiences might be beneficial. Connecting with others who understand what you're going through can provide a sense of validation and support.

Please know that you are not defined by your nail-biting habit, and it doesn't diminish your worth as a person. Focus on self-care, finding healthy coping mechanisms, and surrounding yourself with understanding and supportive individuals.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[calypso-finale]

Seventy Five.

Watching the sun set in Barbados will always make me so happy, I love my home. I always feel at peace when I am here, and I needed this energy right now. I needed to come home and I needed to feel because I feel life is getting on top of me. When I feel like if getting at me I come home where I can recuperate and I can think about life, I can feel again. I never wanted to be that person, I never wanted to be my own mother, that was never on the agenda, and I always assumed that I wouldn’t be that person, but I am. I can’t help but feel a certain way about things, but I need to stop, and I don’t think I can. I am not evil like Chris is making me feel, my words can’t make things happen like he thinks, but I am hurting for my child. I am hurting for her, I don’t want her to go through that, and she is. I went back through our last messages, and I feel like shit really, so I needed to escape from LA, I need to just feel again. Chris won’t tell me a thing, he just told me that to make me feel like shit and I hate he did that, he told me to make me feel like shit and now won’t say a thing, to think he has that, I do feel horrible. I want to see them, but I can’t, and Chris told me to stay away. He facetimed me with Aziel and he seems really happy, and he kept calling Chris papa and I saw a glimpse of Rylee and she was just walking by but from that little thing, she has lost weight. I packed up my kids and came here, and they always know something is off, but Imani wanted to stay behind but I said no, you’re coming. I even bought Taylan with me, and I would never do him like that, he didn’t deflower my daughter at a young age either but then again I have to let it go, but what is the point when I can’t see her, she doesn’t want to know and Chris’ last thing he said is don’t ask for updates and Rylee only wants to see you at his funeral and that was harsh, I feel bad. I don’t want him to have cancer, I was just mad at what happened and how it happened. My daughter just not the person I bought up, she changed, and she did it to be with him and now look, she will lose him and be a single mother either way, I just feel so sad for her because she is supposed to be more. I need to do some soul searching, I need to vent, I need to talk to someone and that will be my best friend, but I also need to tell the eldest two because Chris mentioned they came at Rylee and I didn’t know they did, they need to just leave her be.

Amerie has put the kids to sleep so it’s child free now “you can come too” waving her over, Taylan is sat with Mel and my daughter “Taylan can I speak to these alone please, not that I wouldn’t tell you but it’s something that has to be between us please” I said to him “oh yeah for sure, that is fine. There is always family business, I can’t be there for everything he chuckled “apologies though” he waved me off “Amerie is here too? Is she leaving us” Imani said “no, she has been long enough in the family to be here about this thank you” Taylan closed the door “is he ok with what I said, or does he have a face on?” Tianna shook her head “he loves Barbados, and he loves the attention he is getting so he isn’t upset” Ti laughed out, I guess he is “well he deserves a break, and you both deserve to spend time together and reconnect, I see you both. It’s so sweet” Tianna rolled her eyes and seeing her little cheeks just getting red “shut up mom” I chuckled “ok so whatever I say here stays in this room, if you want to speak to dad you can but it stays here and if I do find out it leaves this room then it’s trouble, Amerie is here because she is family and also she took care of Rylee too and she is close to her, and Rylee would probably be more happy to see her then me” I laughed “erm girls you need to leave Rylee alone, don’t text her anything negative, if you want to ask her about Aziel then yeah but keep your thoughts to yourself. Erm, the reason why Rylee has blocked us all off and hasn’t cared to reach out or really just in general do anything is because she is going through some things, erm. Oakley has stage two skin cancer” everyone’s mouth fell open, I pressed my lips in to a hard thin line, of course I am emotional “no” Imani said, flicking my tear away “mhmm he has, dad is there because he found all of it odd” they all look genuinely upset.

The room is awfully quiet “I am so sorry to niece, oh my god. He really got it” Mel said, nodding my head “you said he did, you jinxed that. I told you those words weren’t nice” Ti said “we all say things out of anger, but I wouldn’t want that for him ok” I corrected her “you said you wanted him dead, what is the difference. She doesn’t want to know, so yeah. Can we just not send anything to her and if you want to speak to dad about it you can, he is there” Imani is crying “I said mean things to Rylee” she sniffled “You did?” Ti questioned “I text her saying she upset dad and she isn’t being a good sister; she chose a man over us and you don’t care about us. She has hurt dad now and we don’t want to know, but dad was hurt and now I have upset her” Ti let out an oh “damn Imani, what happened there. You rarely speak on it, I also said it to her too” I guess she has been getting it “am I the only one that just sends my niece memes and not speak on life?” Mel said “clearly” I mumbled “wow, poor guy. Robbie, I don’t know how you going to get yourself out of that, your mouth did it. I can’t lie but if you said that to my man and then he got it, I would make you see his face at his funeral and say you did this. You fucked up” I didn’t want Mel to say that “I mean he can be ok right? I really want to see her, I do. I didn’t say half of bad then what Imani said, she would see me!?” Ti said, I shrugged “dad said for nobody to come, she doesn’t want the pity, but he told me he had surgery, but that is it. I can’t know anything else because I don’t care but I do, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him. The little Chris tells me I am hurting for my daughter” Tianna wants to go, I can tell on her face “I should be there, we should be there” shaking my head “I did see her walk by the camera when he showed me Aziel, she lost a hell of lot of weight and Chris said it’s hard being there in the home and having to hear and see but it’s Chris, he is always positive. He said that he does hear they argue but it’s because of emotions, there is tears and all that, but he doesn’t like speaking on them, because I don’t care” Imani is crying a lot “Imani I am sure right now Rylee will have bigger things to deal with then your text, don’t be upset” Imani got mad with Ti “shut up!” she spat and got up “I am trying to be positive?” she defended, I shook my head to leave her.

Putting out my blunt “I really don’t know how can I tell you how to get out of this, but I did text her” looking at Mel “I said niece, I know, your mom knows. Your sister knows but I love you and if you need me, I said me in caps. I am here for you, I am so sorry, and I am praying for you, for him and for Aziel. You will pull through this; I know in my heart you will. She text me back, awake still and she put thank you auntie, please don’t come here but I appreciate your words. Then I thought I would add you, the dumb bitch, you still my sister. I said can your mom, she is devastated. She put she got what she wanted, I will probably be in asylum if I lose him” I clenched my jaw “I didn’t mean it like that Mel, I was angry” my voice broke “words hurt and when they come true they do, the only way she will forgive you if he makes it. She really loves him, and there is nothing anyone can do, and I knew she loved him because she rode for him, and I fucking told you to stop being annoying. Maybe Chris could help and talk her into it. But this is so sad, the way she speaks, she will need Chris a lot more than anyone in life, I pray she doesn’t lose herself in this. This is going to be life changing, and she is going through it and she doesn’t have her mother there, it’s sad!” Mel barked “harsh reality, you don’t wish people death or fucking cancer, come on. Swear at them but Jesus, karma came around to get you sister, nobody can help” she spat.

I sighed out as I placed the bandage over his wound, they really cut him a hole, I mean he’s healing well but of course, it is infected, but I’ve been cleaning it every day and it’s better, but I think once its healed it will look fine “when are you fertile?” He asked, he asked so randomly, and I looked at Wadz, he just stood there awkwardly “I told you we don’t need another” he wants another, and we don’t need, I don’t need that stress “yeah you’re just taking that away from me” he got up “I could be still doing that you know” he looked at me “I’m not taking anything away from you Oakley because you’re going to be here! I told you this, this is going to be ok. Stop worrying, please. We don’t need another baby in our life, I don’t need it ok” I don’t need that in my life “yeah you’re saying that and then when I am not here you will regret it” he walked off, I sighed out. Wadz slowly placed the GoPro down “sorry” he apologised “it’s the reality, don’t be” he shouldn’t need to apologise “you have lost a lot of weight, not saying you was fat. I promise you, but you have. You had more depth in the face” I laughed “how can I rest Wadz, I worry about him every day. He’s so on edge about everything, he was stubborn about the shower then he infected it. Then I said look have a bath, I’ll gently wash you. He got mad at me for that too. I’m not a baby but then he said sorry, it’s hard. He’s worried and everything, when he starts having therapy I think I’m just going to cry, it’s going to drain him” Oakley made his way back over “sorry” rolling my eyes “are you going to go out with my dad?” He nodded his head “good, you have a good time. You’re ok, just don’t pick Aziel up and do anything that will strain you, you’re fine” he is ok, just Aziel has kicked him a few times there so he has to be careful “I will, I don’t want to do anything for my birthday, I heard you speaking on it” rolling my eyes “penalise me then I guess just because I want to do that for you, anyways. Have a good time I will be inviting the girls over so it’s good you’re going out” he is hard work “do they know?” Oakley asked me and I just stared at him “I’m glad they know, them being there for you, you need it” smiling at him “do I look nice? I’ve not been outside in a while, your dad talking me into things” I sniggered “that’s him, you can have some boy time. It will be nice but please do not do anything that will hurt you” I pleaded with him; I hope he’s ok anyways.

Zipping up Aziel bag “what do you say when you want to pee?” I asked Aziel, he looked up at me and touched his diaper “yes but what do you say? No pee in diaper anymore so what do you say” he is thinking hard “big boy!” I chuckled “you ask, ok” he nodded his head “how is things?” My dad asked “fine, just packed his backpack for his adventure today, he has been out more than his own father” my dad laughed “can’t help it, he’s my sidekick. How is things with him though” I sighed out “oh god, he is up and down, I am glad you don’t say anything about us, I know voices can be raised but it’s literally emotions. We literally have disagreements on anything, like he’s rushing to have a kid and I said no and we disagreed with that but he’s now just ok with what I said to him, I know he will be ok. He got to be” my dad smiled at me “he will be ok, of course he will be. Look at him now, he’s healing well. He’s interacting with us all. I get that like it probably hits him that what he got, and he does lash out, I get it” Oakley walked into the kitchen “we was talking about you” I verified for him “good things yeah, I have a headache a little. You have painkillers around” nodding my head pointing at the cupboard “Aziel, what I say about attacking dad like that, stop it” Oakley smiled “he’s good, leave him” he always says that “well you boys have fun, and don’t do anything bad. And dad you’re the adult, I’m going to get changed, the girls are coming and I want to look a little normal” Oakley turned to me, I get what my dad means because I get that moment when he looks at me and it hits me “love you” side eyeing him, he kissed my cheek before walking off, I sighed out “just be careful” I worry that he could hurt himself, his back is still sore but it’s getting there “women care too much” my dad said, but he is a bad influence “whatever” rolling my eyes.

Lillian needs half of the road to park, and it makes me laugh “you have the whole drive and you still can’t park, bitch” putting a finger up at Halle, her phone is pointed at me “fuck you ok” she cackled moving her phone away “ignore her, she can’t park for shit. How are you!” She spat hugging me “I am well thank you” she gave a disapproving groan “I told you about eating, you losing the weight!” I shrugged “I can’t help it” I don’t know what else she wants me to say, “I hate it, I told you this” she said moving back a little “I’m just currently put off with food and I do eat but like I am busy, like really fucking busy with things, Lillian you are awful!” She is falling around laughing “I hate myself, look at how much space I got, and I couldn’t park, ugh! Tell Oakley to not post that shit! I swear to god” hugging her “like he took a picture of your parking” Halle gripped my butt “mhmmm losing it from the ass too, tell her to stop looking like this. Just wasting away” side eyeing Halle “girls I’ve told you I’m ok, I sleep now. My dad is here too” Halle chuckled “DILF is here” I scoffed “is he here though” waving them off “nah they all out, I hate when you call my dad that. Ain’t no way he even that, he old!” Lillian sniggered “but I still would, I mean look at him” here they go, lusting over my dad as they do “should have bought Colin and Diji along, I miss them both” which I do “oh they wouldn’t let us speak, they are ok at home. This is about us and you, girly time” I love these two so much, they are really my girls for life.

Halle’ eyes widened “your dad weed is good, girl?” I laughed “he has that good weed doesn’t he, you can take some if you want I am not bothered, just not the whole packet, he needs this when I am stressing him out” Halle likes the weed my dad had bought over “I like this, chile yes” I chuckled “mhmmm Tianna commented on my post” looking at Lillian “which one?” I didn’t know Lillian posted “I took that selfie of us; I posted it on my story. She messaged me saying, you all look beautiful, and my sister looks different, so I messaged while you was both taking Chris’ weed, how so? Thank you, she said she has lost a lot of weight, she was just the right weight for her body but she is skinny, my sister has never been skinny. I said oh yeah, she is ok and just left it as that” rolling my eyes “I am sick of everyone saying about my weight, I am stressed. I eat, but like I don’t binge eat but I feel I burn it all off from stressing all day and running around him, I get peace now because of dad but still, it’s hard. He just acts stupid, he didn’t like I said let me bathe you, I will be gentle, he wen in the shower, and he put the setting on the shower as like fast, he hurt himself. He said so I look like I need help and all that shit He obeyed, so I was there with him, he was in the bath, at this moment we had a little argument, he is sat forward and just being all moody, just so stubborn” Lillian laughed “was he like butt naked or he wore shorts?” it made me laugh “erm, he was naked. He came out of the bath less stressed and happy, then he was all baby this, angel that” Lillian gasped “you gave a little head or hand” these girls “hand, maybe he was frustrated. Then he starts again, but the morale of the story, he stresses me out” Lillian chuckled “just be pleasing him, it will shut him up” she could be right because it did.

Halle is high as shit “thank you for the pizza” Halle managed to say “you’re welcome, you can stay here if you can’t make it back” she looks so out of it “forget her so you doing for his birthday? He will be thirty, it has to be big for him” I groaned out “it’s so hard, I say anything he is like no. My dad said go to a nice country and do it on a yacht and make it private, I asked him, and he said I can’t fly. Wadz said we can travel in car and just go to Mykonos, I am like nah we can get a jet, he can lay down on a bed, he just finds it uncomfortable like sitting on anything hard on his back right now. So I think it could be Mykonos, get his friends and stuff together. I said look they can be there; they don’t know just be normal. But I am doing something, of course you are going to be there. He then goes let’s go Vegas, so one thing to another, I think I could do that for him and then Mykonos after, I want to celebrate, make memories but I have to plan” I drifted off “using the games room now” my dad walked in “my weed” he pointed “oh hey” Halle said smirking “I am innocent” Oakley came in behind him “have a good time?” I asked, “he did, got a little hectic didn’t it?” My dad looked at him “a little, just fans following us, and he was getting harassed and then I was” he is smiling “you’re tired” he looks it “awww you want to tuck him into bed” Lillian cooed out, my dad sniggered “nah, nah. I don’t do that” Oakley defended himself “where is Aziel?” it’s quiet “Wyge, he is upstairs” letting out an oh “you want to be tucked into bed?” I asked “you’re jarring, you don’t even do that though” my dad laughed grabbing his weed and walking off “mhmm” I smiled at him “you’re doing this in front of them” I shook my head “I am not, it’s just the facts. You want to be little spoon” Lillian laughed out “he needs that hand work” Oakley stared at me “I am coming” I smiled at him “you women are weird” he walked off “you men are weird” Lillian retorted “you coming back down?” nodding my head “I will and you can help me with his birthday, Halle can sleep” she is in and out of sleep right now, she is so stupid.

[angelicgallows9]

This is a vent blabla who cares

God I am SO lonely and everytime I’m reminded of this simple fact it feels like I’ve been stabbed and made to drink rat poison it’s just this unbearable pit in the bottom of my stomach and it drives me insane to put it blankly I’ve never told anyone this nor plan too because I realize how insane I sound but sometimes it gets to the point where I’m like in my head talking to this girl that I’ve been in love with since middle school and I still know her ofc, she knows that I like her and she’s flirted with me in recent and I don’t think she quite knows how much that fucks with my head because I know it’s never going anywhere she doesn’t like me that way she never has I got sidetracked but I talk to her in my head as if she were right in front of me full conversations and I struggle to drag myself out of it sometimes idk when it started or why I do it

I do the same with my own friends sometimes arguments whatever conversations literally anything I know it’s like weird and probably really creepy but I just like can’t seem to stop my brain id say it’s intrusive but I’d be lying if I said I didnt also entertain it sometimes idk

It’s worse because I don’t just feel lonely relationship wise I feel completely and utterly alone and unlovable I saw this reel (I know don’t bully me) and it said something that resonated with me so extremely

It was something along the lines of “I don’t think people understand how much not being in a relationship during your teen years really effects your brain” like I was alone the entirety of my developmental years and it definitely did make me feel horrible and all these terrible things that I’m unlovable and ugly and undesirable undeserving of anyone or anything and I still feel like that I’m only 18 and I know there’s plenty of fish in the sea or whatever and that someone out of the 8 billion people is my person but it’s never felt that way

This girl that I love and she surely has to know that I love her because I told her and she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship which is fine that perfectly reasonable but here’s where I start to lose that understanding we ofc didn’t talk much after I did that and made things weird between us because ofc I would and maybe a year or less goes by and we start talking again because I joined this thing that apparently she also joined it’s awkward but we end up talking again and end up just being the bestest of pals she’s sort of flirty with me reading off countless pickup lines and just being that way I try and reciprocate it to the best of my ability and it never felt like she wanted me to her response to me was usually silence and raised eyebrow that’s not how it was always she still did go along with it quite a few times but that’s all it ever felt like her just going along with it she mentioned something to me first day of us meeting again “you know I don’t want to be alone forever right” and I said “yeah, neither do I” the last day I saw her it was the last of our little program thing and she walks me to the school like she had done every single day with me and we find out to actually enroll into the college we needed this other thing blabla we walk back to the college after getting it and I start cramping really bad and I just say “I think I’m just gonna get my parents to pick me up from here” and she said ok and looked kinda down idk I didn’t break eye contact with her once and she kept going to say something and eventually just gave up and said goodbye I still wonder what she wanted to say and that was last time I saw her

I’ve been begging and crying to whatever higher power there is to just bring us together again I don’t care if she doesn’t want me I just want to talk to her like we used too

I get so lonely it feels like I am trapped within my own body desperately trying to claw my way out but there is no way out and I just have to get over it

[figs-and-cigs]

I'm venting. I'm grieving. Blah blah etc.

I posted a long while ago about 'good' communication being necessary for poly relationships. I posed the idea that being a "good" communicator isn't the important the bit, the important part is knowing yourself and working within a relationship to understand and support each other especially when communication is hard. Communication styles can be different, that doesn't make it good or bad but people in the relationship have to build bridges to communicate.

I'm not totally redacting those thoughts; but I just ended a relationship because communication styles between us were impossible to build bridges with. Ok that's a nice way of putting it.

I tried to have a conversation about something that would effect our schedule multiple times. She had said when the time comes WE need to discuss it together as a TEAM and discuss it. Ok. Well the time came, my schedule changed, and when I tried to discuss it she really pushed for a compromise and then delayed the discussion.

I sat with it, thought about it, and realized that I couldn't compromise on this change of schedule. I then proceeded to text her explaining why - it had been discussed that I am much better at texting out my thoughts than talking.

We have phone conversation everyday, per her request because she's not much of a texter. She never addressed my text, delayed the conversation, and wanted to speak on the day I had explained I couldn't do anymore. Then family issues came up, babysitter cancelled, in law was in the hospital. Crap, ok so we'll discuss it on our other regularly scheduled date.

When we sat down for coffee, I had the impression we were going to discuss my text and the change in schedule. Instead she started talking about meta-communication and being on the same page with how we speak. To use I statements, to use we statements, to keep a calm tone, to focus on thoughts and feelings instead of events. And I questioned if I had not been doing that, and stated that I felt like she was trying to control my speech. Not that I disagreed with the suggestions but to be sat down and told HOW to have a conversation felt controlling and I was feeling attacked.

She asked if there was anyway she could make a request without me feeling attacked. I froze, said uh I'm not sure... Which was a terrible answer. She's made many requests over the months we've been together and I've attempted to meet every one.

She then asked if I knew my communication style. I was caught off guard and said I don't know. She then asked if within "all my years of therapy" if I ever thought about how I communicate. I was so caught of guard I don't remember what I said, but the answer is yeah...

The conversation is a blur I was anxious, shaking, trying or understand the conversation at hand and wondering if we're ever going to address the scheduling issue and my text. At one point she asked if I was a black and a white thinker - I offhandedly said, "I have BPD, so that happens!" And then backtracked and said I've done a lot of work and definitely try to stay in the grey. That was probably a mistake.

She asked about my Meyers Briggs personality type and I said infp or whatever. And she acted so surprised that I'm a feelings type person. I told her I have mental illnesses where I work very hard to live in reality and not get swept up in my feelings. She suggested strongly that I should be more emotional. (She obviously never took the time to understand my Disorder. That's fine until you start giving advice.)

The last 5 minutes of the date the schedule came up and I finally said this is a boundary for me, I can't do this day. She told me to text her my compromise.

So I texted explaining again why I'm not compromising on my schedule, that I was feeling unheard. That talking about communication is good, but I wasn't happy with the way things went.

Then over the following week she wouldn't take my calls. She informed me the other date day doesn't work for her. That she doesn't feel there's a safe space for communication. I tried to be direct and ask what of the days I have available do work and what is a good time to call so we can talk.

The relationship ended today with a text where she gave me her perception of the events, she felt unheard, unable to make requests without me taking it as an attack.

And you know, I would have been willing to discuss that.

But then she proceeded to ask if I was capable of empathy, my intentions for dating her, what I bring to the table in a relationship, if I think about anyone but myself, and told me I think of her as an enemy and need to deal with my disorder and black and white thinking with my therapist.

I responded in kind with my perception of the events that took place. And that in trying to address this issue she seemed to ignore, deflect, change the subject, and now attack me. That's not effective communication, and I don't with to engage with that and I'm sorry things led to such a negative light of each other.

For me I think "bad" communication happens when no response or when the response becomes accusatory and unkind. Period. My communication on an issue was never addressed on her end. And while I do empathize with her perspective and frustration communication is shut down the moment you are questioning someone's character, intentions, thought processes. It appears to me that she felt out of control with the situation at hand (scheduling) so she pushed that issue aside and tried to find control in another way (how we communicate about it without addressing what was already said).

So I guess we're both walking away feeling unheard.

Through the last two weeks, I've read over my messages repeatedly. I reach out to my support person asking her to call me out on my BS, to help me do inventory to see where I may need to address things differently. If I wasn't communicating clearly or directly, if I was being unkind or misinterpreting something. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for how I communicated through this, that I had boundaries and stuck to them, that I did not respond out of anger or fear; and it's not my fault that it wasn't well received. I can't control another person's perception of me, but I can show up authentically, openly, and compassionately regardless.