#ok we watch it months after the gp but(t)…

[artemispt]

Also this 🫠

miami really gave us so much last year ✨️😘

[estebanocon]

Ok, here's my recap of seeing Esteban over the Singapore GP! I've been attending every Singapore GP since 2017 and have supported Esteban each year. For me the highlight from this year was finding out that not only does he recognise my face, he also knows my name. 🥹

The video above is a compilation from two days: Thursday and Saturday. Full story below the cut. 👇

PRE-RACE WEEKEND / ESTEBAN'S BIRTHDAY

I've been travelling since late July and my flight back to Singapore from Vancouver was actually on Esteban's birthday. I had already committed to editing a video to celebrate his achievements at Alpine. Some of you (bless y'all, seriously) answered my open call for art/video/message submissions and I spent the afternoon before my flight putting it together. I'm happy I got it done and I was even happier when Esteban commented thanking us for it just before I got on my plane. You can watch the video on Instagram here.

THURSDAY

A.K.A. The day after I arrived back in Singapore after 2 months on the road and a 16-hour time difference. I have no idea how I wasn't severely jetlagged lol.

I got to the paddock entrance after 1pm, early enough to still get a spot in front of the barrier, but gosh there were so many people this year. Either F1 has really exploded in popularity (especially with the younger generation) or we just have more fans from overseas coming to Singapore for the race (why tho, it's so hot y'all). Luckily I had a friend with me and he was kind enough to help me take videos when Esteban arrived.

My friend hadn't hit record yet so the video missed Esteban saying "good to see you again, how are you doing?", and you can scroll back up for the rest. ☺️ He thanked me after I asked if he'd seen the birthday video and then there was an awkward moment when I didn't know if we were doing a fist bump or a handshake but man's a gentleman and didn't make me feel weird about it. 🫠

I don't know why after seeing him so many times I still get nervous but I was, and I struggled to take the cap off my marker so he could sign my cap. He very kindly took it from me to open it himself but my marker betrayed me and wasn't working properly (now that I think about it, it also happened the very first time I asked him to sign my hat back in 2017 🤡). Thankfully the girl next to me offered her red marker which actually worked (though Este stabbed the life out of it first to be sure). 🙏

I initially wanted to hang around in the evening with some friends who were coming after the pitlane walk. But at 7pm it was already super crowded and I don't even know why (all the drivers, TPs and media are already in the paddock at this point and won't come out till late that night). So yeah, I just went home to not tire myself out before the race weekend actually started.

FRIDAY

I've accumulated quite a bit of merch since last year so I was bringing a different one on each day for him to sign haha. In the selfie I'm wearing a shirt he signed the day before.

I normally try not to take up too much of his time because he always does his best to make sure all the fans get something from him. I only had one shirt for him to sign but after he did, he continued standing in front of me so I just took out my phone for this picture and then he went on his way. Este is bestie fr. 😭🫶

I didn't hang around outside the paddock again on Friday night because I went to watch OneRepublic. ✨

SATURDAY

The best day for me because this was when I managed to get most of my selfies (including with Mick, who I missed on Thursday because he came with Esteban and obv I have priorities) and also because Esteban managed to drag the car out of Q1. 👏

It was also a good day because I asked Esteban if he could write my name on the cap and as I was trying to spell it out for him, he cut me off because he knew, he just didn't see it was me at first because some guy had draped a huge flag over my friend and me for him to sign. 😭🫶

We tried to wait outside the paddock after qualifying but they started chasing us out at 12am and since they had armed police out in full view, we decided to not fk around and find out. (At previous SGPs they'd stay in the van so we never actually saw them.) Also didn't help that Esteban chose that moment to leave so people started mobbing him and even though he tried to stop at first, security physically pushed him to the exit. 🥲 (which was probably for the best tbh)

SUNDAY

I actually gave Este the wrong hat to write my name on (I wanted him to write it on the cap from his store, not the Alpine one) so I had to ask him again and he kindly obliged.

That night I was lucky to catch him just before he left the circuit, there were some fans running alongside him because he wasn't stopping but he stopped when he saw me. 😭🫶 I got a quick hug and he said see you next year so I guess the greedy mfs at SGP are going to continue getting my money smh.

BONUS ESTE'S BESTIES

Here's a picture of stuff I got signed by Este, as well as some gifts I got from other Esteban fans! And also, a picture of me and Fiq who I met for the first time on race day.

[bogkeep]

for Months i have been stressing over stupid Bureaucracy Regret -

when i started school in sweden i figured i need to notify the system that i'm living there, so i did, and i acquired a swedish ID and all that jazz.

for two years this has seemed mostly superfluous - i think maybe it's been useful to get a proof of student ID because they don't give you those at school and you need to download an app that fills your inbox with advertisements and i hate it so bad - but this year i ran into trouble when i found out that Living Outside Of Norway is a bit problematic for Ongoing Medical Assessment In Norway (that i started over a year before moving to sweden). like it's fine as long as i DON'T get a job in sweden and DO get my student loans from norway, but they can't cover my travel cost to the hospital and getting my T gel prescription was a pain (and i can only get it in norwegian pharmacies unless i get a swedish doctor to sign off on a prescription in sweden), and i can't access most of the services in the healthcare portal or contact my GP without calling her clinic. so all of this is confusing and frustrating, right, and nobody at the gender clinic had any clue about any of this (despite telling me they have had patient studying abroad before) so they were gonna have a social worker who's supposed to have a clue call me to figure out a solution. turns out they had only a little more clue but not as many answers as i'd hoped, and together we came to the conclusion that i'll just change my legal address back to norway and things will be smooth sailing again. apparently most students going temporarily abroad just change their c/o address and not their legal permanent address and i did not know this! none of my fellow norwegian students seem to have done the same process as i so i'm just ignorant i guess!!!

AS IT TURNS OUT you can't just "move back to norway" that easily, WHICH MAKES SENSE I GUESS, so i decide to call the folk register directly to find out how and why and when, and even if i do have a home in norway i can't actually "move back" until i can prove i have reason to stay there for the next six months, which i'm not, because i'm studying in sweden. the service worker on the phone was very apologetic and told me i should've called before i registered moving so that i could've Known the Consequences, but i couldn't have known i needed to do that, AND it's a pain to call them through limited phone times and long queues. so basically i've been going through the five stages of grief and decided i'll just have to eat the travel costs (which has an extra element of frustration because i could've made it all just a little bit cheaper for myself if i had waited a couple more days at the time and coordinated better but DONE IS DONE, I'm already lucky somw acquaintances let me crash at their place and i didn't have to book a hotel) and deal with the frustrations as best i can before i move back to norway next year anyway. like it sucks but i will deal and i can't change the past and i did my best ET CETERA.

and then last week the office lady at school sent us an email that the powers that be now require all students to have a swedish id so if we don't have that already we need to get on that. so uh

after all that frustration and regret. i was gonna have to do all that anyway. now i'm watching my fellow norwegian students struggling with the paperwork runs while i don't have to do a single thing

nice ok

[cheekysos]

Road to Nowhere

Best Friend! Luke Hemmings x Reader

Summary: Luke asks his best friend Y/N on a road trip. 

Warnings: Unrequited love, angst, minor swears

Author��s Note: Thank you for being patient with me the past couple of weeks. I’m still unsure about this piece honestly but I hope you enjoy it. Feedback is always very much appreciated, whether it be positive or constructive. Thank you for reading.

   You and Luke have been best friends ever since he moved to LA. When you first met him you were in a somewhat serious relationship and by the time you admitted to yourself your feelings for Luke he just met someone. You wallowed in self pity for quite some time before you forced yourself to move on, Luke seemed happy and you wanted to be happy too. When Luke was single again, you were a few months into a new relationship. This cycle has continued for the entirety of your guys’ friendship, the timing just never worked out. Not that it would have mattered, you knew your chances with Luke were slim to none. You two joked, laughed, cried, and confided in one another but there was something missing on his part. You could tell by the way he looked at you that he didn’t love you the way you loved him. He doesn’t look at your smile and instantly get butterflies, your laugh doesn’t send a shiver down his spine, and your touch doesn’t make it hard for him to breathe. Now here you are, single for almost a year and Luke is in what seems to be a very serious relationship and it’s eating you up inside. You wasted so much time ignoring and hiding from your feelings because you were too scared to lose your best friend. Now your feelings are so strong it’s difficult to ignore. 

  His current relationship was definitely putting a strain on your friendship. She wasn’t comfortable with it, you knew the second he introduced you to her. The way she scanned you up and down, like she was assessing your level of threat. She occupied most of his time and didn’t want you around much, she never came right out and said it but you could tell - basically everyone could except for Luke. It was little things like the way she touched him in front of you, like she was claiming him or how it took her months to “learn” your name. But you put up with it because you loved him, granted you were also in love with him as well but you respected their relationship and would never act on your feelings. Between touring and her Luke hasn’t had much time for you so when he called you and asked if you wanted to go on an impromptu road trip with no certain destination you didn’t hesitate. 

You packed enough clothes and toiletries for three days, that’s all the time off you could manage from work.  Luke arrived that morning with your favorite coffee in hand and looking as adorable as ever. He was dressed casually in blue jeans, T-shirt, and boots. 

  “You’re really going to wear jeans while we drive across the country?” You teased snagging the large cup of coffee out of his hand. 

  “Hey what’s wrong with my jeans?!” He asked defensively. 

  “Nothings wrong with them. I just meant they aren’t very comfortable.” 

   “Well thanks mom but I think I can dress myself.” He quipped.

   He stood in front of you with that stupid look on his stupid perfect face you loved so much. “So did you decide where you exactly were going?” You asked, spontaneity was not your strong suit. 

  “You pick, anywhere you want,” answered Luke.

You hesitated for a second, racking your brain for ideas. “Grand Canyon?”

“Whatever you want to see,” he flashed a sympathetic smile. What was going on?

“Seriously?” You asked. “Why are you being so nice to me?” 

“What a guy can’t spoil his best girl?” Luke had a tendency of saying things like this. Things that were obviously meant to be harmless but hurt you more than you’d like to admit because you knew he didn’t meant them, not how you wanted him to.  Luke helped you with your suitcase to his car and typed the coordinates into his GPS. While he did that you connected your phone to his car. Right after Luke asked you on this trip you started making a playlist for the occasion, of course a majority of the playlist was already assembled in a secret Luke playlist you already had. 

  “I hope you’re ready for this playlist, it’s going to blow your little rockstar brain.” Music is what immediately connected you to Luke. You guys didn’t have exactly the same taste and there were definitely songs and artists you disagreed on but his passion for it was contagious. He changed the way you consumed music, pushed you to listen to more than just lyrics and the beat. 

   “Excuse you I have a big rockstar brain thank you very much.” His hand rested on the back of your headrest as he backed out of the parking spot. It’s strange how Luke made everyday normal activities just effortlessly sexy. The way his seat had to be all the way back for his massive limbs to fit, how he gripped the steering wheel with one hand while the other rested on the gear shift, or the way the sun landed on his face and illuminated his sharp features. 

  Before you officially got on the road Luke stopped to fill up his car. “Here pay for the gas and grab some snacks,” he handed you his card. 

  You went inside and gathered an array of different snacks, candies and drinks. When you came out you saw Luke on the phone, at first you thought he was talking to her but he looked anxious and stressed while speaking. Maybe they were fighting, maybe that’s why he wanted to get away for a bit.  When you got closer to him he hung up the phone and returned the pump to it’s holster. 

“Let’s get the show on the road darlin’.” He faked a smile.

You were on route soon enough, Luke quietly snacking on the bag of chips you bought for him as he drove. You really didn’t want to pry and you hated asking him about her but it was obvious something was bothering him. 

   “You alright?” You questioned turning down the music. 

  He forced a smile, “All good. Just quietly regretting my decision to wear jeans. I wish someone would’ve told me not to.” 

  You playfully tossed a sour patch kid at his head. You knew that’s not what was bothering him but you didn’t pry.  After many hours of stupid car games, spontaneous singalong dance parties and a small cat nap on your part you couldn’t ignore the rumbling in your stomach any longer. 

   “Luke I need food and I’m tired.” You whined “I think we should call it a day, get some food and find a hotel.” 

  Luke rubbed at his 5 o’clock shadow. “Ya ok find a place nearby will ya?” 

  It took a little time but eventually you found a small bed and breakfast. “Take the next exit.” You instructed. 

  As Luke drove to the bed and breakfast you passed an In n Out. “Take a right!” you yelled. 

  Luke jerked the car into the turning lane, “the fuck Y/N! Scared the shit outta me.” 

   “In n Out! Need fries and a milkshake.” You exaggerate and pout your lip. 

  “You know I can’t say no to that pout.” Again, how could he not realize what he was saying to you? Could he be that oblivious?

  You went through the drive-thru and ordered way too much food for only two people and continued driving to the B&B. The Bed and Breakfast was a decent sized Victorian styled home, they probably couldn’t have more than five rooms. You stayed by the car, taking in the fresh air of a new state while Luke went inside to check for a room. 

  “Good news and bad news,” Luke said walking back to the car. “Got a room but it’s only got one bed, she’s got a cot though so she’s going to have it brought up to the room. I’ll take the cot.” Luke grabbed the luggage and you followed him with food and milkshakes in hand. The room was cozy, the main focus of the room was clearly the bed. This bed and breakfast most likely catered to couples looking for a quiet getaway and in any other situation it probably would have been romantic but not when you were with Luke and he was with her. 

  The two of you sat on the floor eating and catching up. Against your better judgement you asked about her, you were surprised to see his expression fall. 

   “I don’t want to talk about her, this trip is about us.” he said quietly. “Remember when we took that road trip to visit your parents?” he laughed. 

  “You mean the trip you agreed to take after being on tour for months leaving me to drive for HOURS while you slept the entire time?” you teased. 

  “Hey, It’s the thought that counts!” he defends. Things with Luke were great, back to how things were before.

  After spending a considerable amount of time reminiscing, the two of you got ready to go to bed. When Luke walked out of the bathroom he was dressed in only athletic shorts. You’ve seen Luke half naked plenty of time but it seemed like every time you saw him his shoulders were broader, his chest hair more dense, and his skin softer.

  “I-I’ll sleep on the cot Luke. There’s no way your lanky ass is going to fit. I don’t mind.” You tried deflecting with jokes.

“Ugh! How rude!” Luke played. “I am not lanky! And it doesn’t matter - that thing’s for children, neither of us are gonna fit on it. We’ll  just share” He tossed aside the extra throw pillows and pulled back the duvet. 

“Are you sure this is okay?” you hesitated. 

“It’s fine, just get in.” He turned off the lamp on his nightstand and tucked his extremities into bed, his back facing you. You followed his lead and got yourself situated on your side. You knew you should have turned around so your back was towards him but you just couldn’t bring yourself to look away. 

“Night Y/N.” he yawned. 

“Goodnight Lu.” As creepy as it sounded you spent some time watching his back, counting the times it rose and fell with each breath before he succumbed to sleep.  

  You woke up the next morning before Luke, he wasn’t a morning person in the slightest. After you finished getting ready and found Luke still in a deep slumber you figured the best way to wake him was a pillow to the face. After lots of whining and arguing the two of you were ready to get back on the road. Since Luke was still half asleep you offered to drive the rest of the way, which meant you spent most of the time in silence again, but you didn’t mind, you needed the time to think.   

  When you finally arrived at the Grand Canyon you and Luke stood there awhile speechless, taking in the beautiful scenery around you.  His arm suddenly snaked around your shoulders and pulled you into his side. You followed his suit and wrapped your arm around his waist. You felt completely content in this moment, for a second you could forget about everything and just relish in this the now. When you looked up at Luke tears were brimming in his eyes. You stood in front of him with both hands held onto his waist. 

“Hey...what’s the matter?” you pleaded.

“It's...I just. I’m just really happy to be here. To be with you, my best girl.” He pulled you in for a hug, his arms wrapped around you tightly and he placed soft kisses on the top of your head. Your heart soared in this moment. Everything felt so perfect, it felt like there was an inkling of a possibility that Luke loved you back. As you pulled away from the hug, Luke tucked the stray hairs behind your ear. Your faces were closer than they’ve ever been, your foreheads pressed together, noses just barely touching. 

“I need to tell you something Lu..” There was no more denying your feelings. You couldn’t go on like this anymore you needed him to know, even if that meant that he didn’t feel the same about you. 

“Lemme go first.” he cut you off. “She gave me an ultimatum, you or her…” Your heart was in the back of your throat and your entire body was on fire. This was it, he was about to kiss you.

His calloused thumb brushed along your cheekbone, “I..I chose her.”

[smokinholsters]

A Decision at the Crossroads

A Heartland AU - Chapter 2

Mitch sat back down and dropped his hat on the small pile of logs next to his chair then reached to refill his coffee cup. He’d already checked, mucked out and fed the horses in his care, saw that the barn and the area around the trailer was none the worse for wear. Checking the time he dialed Amy’s phone and waited.

She answered and he heard the screen door of the house open and close almost simultaneously and he immediately heard those motorcycle boots walk the stairs.

“Good morning husband.”

“Morning Ames, how are things ?”

“Things are great but JT needs some potty time and Lyndy’s in the bath so ….”

“I’ll call when I know something. Anyone helping ?”

“Georgie and Quinn are coming over to deal with horses, Caleb will check the herd.”

“Love you, talk later.”

“More than talk sweetheart, I hugged a pillow last night, not very satisfying.”

Mitch laughed and hit disconnect.

“Mitch, good morning, I was expecting to knock and wake you.”

“Morning Ty, rancher’s hours I guess, my wife’s an early riser too which is helpful getting a bunch done before the kids get up raring to go.”

“I was going to run out to pick up some breakfast but you seem to have beat me to it.”

“If you’re not fancy, there’s a bag of home made muffins and some oranges right inside, coffee’s fresh.”

“Your wife baked these ?”

“I think those are her grandmother’s honestly but she does with the kids.”

“How about you Ty, you hail from around here ?”

“Vancouver originally, my mom’s still out there, dad died a few years ago, mom’s remarried, we talk every week and she was here I guess 4 or 5 months ago.”

Ty came out of the trailer a few minutes later with a small plate, two muffins, an orange and mug he found on the counter and sat a second before his phone rang.

“It’s the clinic, I have to take this.”

“No problem at all Ty.”

He was on the phone for about 20 minutes and glanced a couple of times at Mitch in apology. At one point Mitch checked on the horses again, removed their empty feed buckets, checked their stalls, water and the horses general condition and returned outside as Ty was getting off the phone.

“OK, let’s get that front end off the ground and see what’s up.” Ty said walking over “Everything Ok at home ?”

“Everything’s fine, it’s the busy time getting the kids ready so we didn’t talk long.”

Ty nodded as they walked. There was no lift per se but a nice platform ramp setup. The plan was to jack the truck up and slide the two platform ramps underneath the front end and the jack the truck on the platform so they could check it out and see what needed to be fixed.

Matt, the officer from the day before came by in his regular clothes, jeans, t shirt and flannel. He walked over with work gloves, there to lend a hand and took over once the jacking for each of them as they manually lifted the Dodge heavie’s 8 cylinder Cummins Diesel off the ground. He helped slide the platforms over and then jack the truck again to raise the front passenger side off of the platform.

The first thing they did was remove the tire which had gone flat overnight due to a crack up the rear of the rim they hadn’t seen the day before. This wasn’t an issue as Mitch travelled with two spares, one in the trailer and one under the pick up in the rear.

As Mitch had predicted the rocker arm was a goner as was the front right shock. The shock would be easy enough to pick up locally as a pair since they should both be done together, the real issue was the rocker arm.

When they were satisfied at what needed to be done they sat down in what looked like a small makeshift patio outside Ty’s shop.

“OK, the shocks’ll be easy, Canadian Tire should have them in stock.” Ty began. “You have a viable spare so that’s not an issue. Let me call around and go online and see if I can’t round up a right side rocker arm.”

“I’ll set up another pot of coffee.”

Ty nodded and checked his phone walking away. Matt accompanied Mitch over to the trailer. It was a little chilly so Mitch stopped and stoked the fire pit, threw on a few logs and grabbed the empty pot while Matt pulled up a chair and a small branch to push some embers around. He expected Mitch to have a coffee machine inside and was surprised when he put a grate over the pit and lay the old style percolator on the fire.

“Old school.” Matt said watching.

“I’m not much for the machine stuff though my wife loves the convenience of those one cup things, can’t fault that but when I have the time, real perk is the way to go I think.”

“Yeah, my dad was like that, me, I get most of mine for free really, perk of the uniform I guess.”

“So when’s the wedding ?” Mitch asked as he leaned forward to move the pot off of the flame when it started to perk.”

“Next June so we can get married outside at her folks place.”

“And after ?”

“We both want kids so maybe that, we’ll have the house by then and both get good benefits, time off for kids, we’ll see. How long you wait ?”

“I don’t know that we really waited or planned anything, she was pregnant about a year after we married I guess. JT, about 2 ½ years later I guess and now 3 years later once again. We’re also waiting on approval for a foster, we both feel strongly about it, she wasn’t pregnant at the time we applied but we’re fine with it.”

“Boy or girl ?”

“Which one, it’s a girl in the oven and the foster will be what it is.”

“Nice, maybe you’ll even up.”

“Not necessary, love ‘em all the same, treat ‘em all the same.”

“Definitely the way it should be.” Matt said as the door to the porch of the house opened and closed.

“Just in time for a fresh cup Ty.” Mitch said gingerly pouring the hot coffee from the steaming pot into a mug. “Good news I hope.” Mitch continued.

“I found one we can get today the rest Monday after delivery which means you may not be driving home until Tuesday.”

“The one we can get today ?”

“Airdrie.”

“Airdrie, that’s what, 2 ½ hours each way.” Matt said.

“And I’ve got to get to the clinic for something. This is the number of the dealership, the guy who has it is Tom and the name he has is Cutty, whatever you decide is fine Mitch, that’s my truck, key’s in the ignition.”

“I may have an idea.” Mitch said “we’ll figure it out and let you know Ty.”

“I’m a bachelor for the weekend Mitch” Matt told him. “I can grab a cruiser and we can be down and back in under 4 hours.”

Mitch laughed, “let me make a call.”

Matt strolled off into the barn as Mitch thought for a minute and hit his phone.

“Hey buddy, Amy tells you’ve got a problem.”

“One maybe you can help me with Caleb, there’s a rocker arm with my name on it in Airdrie, how about you ride past, pick it up and bring it up ?”

“Where are you ?”

“Place called Nelson Lake, it’s about 2 maybe 2 ½ hours ?”

“I’d love to help you out Mitch but, well, we’ve got this fence thing at Heartland I’m dealing with.”

“How many ?”

“Just 6 and they’re all back but I got to get this fence back up, I’ve got Trace and Jade with me. Give Amy a call, maybe she can think of something.”

“Ok Caleb, get ‘er done.”

“You know I will brother, later.”

Mitch took off his hat and dropped on the ever decreasing log pile, ran his hand through his hair as he sat down and hit the call button.

“Give me some good news cowboy, your baby momma’s missing you big time.”

“Ames.”

“No Mitch.”

“Not that bad, there’s a rocker arm in Airdrie, if someone can pick it up and drive it here I can be home tomorrow. I’ll get the shocks done today so tomorrow will go real fast. I asked Caleb but ….”

“I  know about the fence. Let me ask Georgie and Quinn, they’re with the kids and kind of aimless for the weekend it seems. I’ll text you, it’s easier from out there, text me an address or GPS.”

“On the way.  Hey Amy, you know I miss you as much as….”

“I know you do sweetheart, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Where are we ?”

“Waiting to hear someone from home is driving up through Airdrie and bringing us that rocker arm while we get those shocks done.”

“You think we can get it all done today ?” Matt asked.

“We can try I guess, I wouldn’t drive the trailer down at night but first thing in the morning would make my wife happy. It’ll all depends on when it gets here.”

“Well, I called Canadian Tire and they have your shocks in stock so let’s pick up those, install ‘em and get them out of the way.”

“And then lunch is on me.” Mitch said patting Matt on the shoulder “I know you don’t have to do this but I sure appreciate the company.”

Mitch’s phone sounded off on the way back with the parts and he checked his messages. The tone was specifically Amy’s.

“Georgie and Quinn glad to help out, help on the way !! Love you heading out, talk later !!”

Mitch read the text out loud once he read it.

“Excellent” Matt said “how long you think ?”

“With the stop in Airdrie, maybe a lunch, figure 3 to 4 hours, we may get this done today yet.”

Mitch then texted Ty rather than called and received a call back as they pulled into Ty’s property.

“Hey Ty, just getting back from Canadian Tire.”

“You two Ok on your own, we’re swamped here at the clinic and I don’t want to leave Kelsey.”

“We’re great, take whatever time you need Ty and if you can later, dinner’s on me.”

“Feel free to put whomever is bringing that part in the guest room Mitch.”

“Thanks Ty, we’ll see, the trailer has plenty of room.”

“Consider the option Mitch, talk to you later.”

“He’s a nice guy, bit of a loner.” Matt said.

“I’ve noticed, what’s his story ?”

“Ty ? Not really sure, he got here maybe a dozen years or so ago and was working for Kelsey. Rumor has it he was escaping a bad break up or something, broken heart kind of thing. He’s dated some, he’s a good looking guy, just nothing stuck I guess.”

“How’s he related to Kelsey ?”

“How so, I don’t think they are.”

“Isn’t his last name Burton ?” Mitch asked now thoroughly confused.

Matt laughed “No, no but I can definitely see how you made that mistake, Ty’s last name is Borden, B-o-r-d-en not Burton, B-u-r-t-o-n like Kelsey.”

“Ty Borden” Mitch said quietly running the name through his memory “It sounded familiar when I thought it was Burton, this doesn’t help, I can’t make the connection. He said he was down our way years ago, but the time frame is all wrong because I was in the service back then, who knows, let’s get the truck done.”

Working leisurely on the truck they got the shocks changed, the wrecked tire stowed and the spare ready to install once the rocker was swapped out. There was a small bar that served lunch and snacks a few miles away that Matt recommended and on the way Mitch decided to touch base.

He was surprised that he couldn’t get either Georgie or Quinn on the phone and left messages to call him when they could. Then he tried Amy who picked up on the second ring.

“Hey Ames, how’s it going and did you hear from Georgie or Quinn ?”

“It’s going fine and I haven’t, hold on a second Mitch” she said as he heard the phone moved and her talking to someone else which sounded as if she was handing him something and thanking him.

“What was that all about ?”

“Tipping a nice young man who just loaded something in the pickup for me, where are you ?”

“Heading for a burger with Matt, the deputy who’s helping me out. Where are you anyway and what’s being loaded, I thought you were out with the kids.”

“What gave you that idea, Georgie and Quinn are with the kids, I just had a rocker arm loaded in and strapped down.”

“Really ? You’re driving it up, why ?”

“Date night in the trailer lover.”

“You’re not serious.”

“What’s that supposed to mean.” She asked playfully indignant.

“Let’s not go there, you know I can’t wait to see you.”

“And touch me and hold me ?”

“All those things Ames, stop and eat please and don’t overdue.”

“I’m fine sweetheart and I have a sandwich and drinks and a bag of clementines, I’ll stop to eat on the road.”

“And I promised dinner to our hosts.”

“I can’t wait to meet and thank them. I love you, gotta ride !!”

“Stay safe Ames.”

“Change in plans Mitch ?” Matt asked laughing as they parked at the small bar and grill.

“Yup.”

“Nice she misses you.”

“She’s usually better than this when I’m away, this is pregnancy hormones.”

“So that rumor’s true ?”

“Which rumor is that Matt ?”

“You know, the uhm, uhm, closeness.” He said with a grin.

“I only have the experience with Amy but in her case yes and in spades.”

“Good for you buddy, sounds like fun.”

Mitch laughed, “yeah, it doesn’t suck and I’m long gone head over heels in love with her so…..”

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 6

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 151: Great hour or so last night around Foggy’s. When I got home I watched World War Z and some stand up by Nate Bargatze and drank and smoked loads. Today, I got up just before 2pm and felt soooo unmotivated. I was going to have a day of doing fuck all but had a change of heart around 7pm so did my stair climb then walked for over an hour (7km) and got home at 9:30pm!

Day 152: Typing on day 153. I popped up and saw Foggy last night. One of the reasons was I wanted to take him a beer to say thanks for looking over my mitigation statement for my impending court hearing for speeding. He liked what i wrote but has given me some key amendments. Basically free solictor advice and I am very grateful. While there he hit me with the news that Ham’s sister, Preeya, has died (last Friday 14th August) from Covid 19. To say i was gobsmacked is an understatement. She was 49. The family could only talk to her over a loud speaker and had to say good bye that way as her life support was swithced off. Fucking hell, it’s terrible. And, what makes it worse, is how complacent I have become about the disease while it’s causing so much tragedy. As I said to Foggy, it’s important to renew our efforts in combatting this disease so that Preeya’s death at least means we learn. I also feel guilty for not realising that many people have passed like this - just because I (sort of) knew Preeya doesn’t mean I shouldn’t feel any less sorry for the dozens of people dying and many more affected everyday. My emotions are in turmoil and yet I’m not directly affected.

Day 153: Typing this on day 154. Gone midday before I woke up. Beers in the evening and watched Den of Thieves. Great film.

Day 154: Woke up at 2:37 pm FFS. Just done a walk and I feel like shit (booze induced).

Day 155: Went to bed at about 4am yesterday but was up at 10am today so, usual Monday correction of sleep patterns. Two long walks today plus a little housekeeping on photos, sharing to the Oundle chatter group, so, quite constructive. Hoir chat with dad plus a chat with a recruitment agemt about a helpdesk manager role in Peterborough.

Day 156: Typing on Day 157. I saw Karen sitting with TTP (and two others I couldn’t make out) at the T&K on my second walk. Why does that piss me off so much? I am being like Jack in Midnight Run. I need to let go.

I am also getting wound up with Tumblr - I can only make entries on this diary blog on the PC - when I try on the Android or Apple apps, they pop up with ‘post too long’. Trying getting info from Tumblr’s online help on that though - fucking not happening. I think I might move this to a Google Blog...it’s not like anyone else reads it. I’m not sure I’d want that - it’s far more a private diary now rather than the cute ‘blog’ idea it started out as. It is now a disciplinary exercise more than anything.

Day 158: Feeling less sorry for myself now. It’s 10pm and I am having a midweek beer as I wait for tea to cook.

Day 159: Decided I will split this diary into 30 day sections to appease Tumblr. My second walk today was at 8pm ‘cos it was pissing down from about 4pm ‘til 7:30pm...very dark and so wet. Home by 9.15pm.

Day 160: I went shopping in Corby (Tesco and Asda) - I only really went so I could get blue eggs. £75 on booze! I was going up to Fog’s tonight but at around 6pm it started to piss down. So, I shall drink at home. It’s 9.15pm, I think it’s going to get messy.

Day 161: Not sure when I wnet to bed last night but I didn’t get up until 2pm. Nice long walk (9km) in the rain!

Banners and Sam G went to London to have a few with Andy P. I’m a little flabbergasted, it’s like there’s no Covid19 all a sudden.

Day 162: Bank holiday Sunday so I am having a beer or two. Tea’s cooking, gonna watch The Accountant on BBC1 at 10.30pm. Today I got up at 1.55pm and managed to have a shower and be downstairs to see the start of the Belgian GP. Hamilton won, pretty easily. I then did my stair climb and a 9.8km (6 mile) walk.

Last night I watched a rather quirky, entertaining comic horror film called Ready or Not and then Ricky Gervais - Fame. That’s the tour I saw him live after seeing Henman’s final tennis match at the Davis Cup at Wimbledon. Bloody funny - the recording could even be the show Karen and I were at. Bed at around 5am, hence not egtting up ‘til way past midday!

Day 163: Bank Holiday Monday, just like a Sunday. I am making this entry on my phone as I'm now able to due to breaking up the diary blog into 30 day sections.

Molly's Game, a film I've tried to rewatch several times but it's never been free, is on BBC2 tonight. I'm recording it right now but actually watching Seinfeld from the start on All4. The first couple of episodes are a bit ropey if truth be told. Luckily, I know it improves.

Day 164: Managed to get hold of Michelle via her daughter Daisy to place a nice big order for C. Just as well ‘cos Tim’s ignoring me!

Rang and spoke with Barry Haddon today to check he’s OK.

Day 165: Picked up C from Michelle’s in Yarwell. While there I was mauled by her over friendly Staffordshirebull terrier getting bit on the thigh. Twice in six months I’ve been bitten by dogs.

Karen WhatsApp’d to see if I’d seen Miley Cyrus on the Live Lounge!

Day 166: Forgot to say that yesterday, I also bumped into and chatted with Pete Gilder. We mainly talked about (getting caught) speeding.

Today I did over 22k steps and I am fucked. 

I replied to an email from Shirley at work HR. After the furloughed staff call on Thursday, which I didn’t attend, they want us to cash in some (more) hoilday, which is fine by me, but I have also asked if we are any clearer as to what happens on 1st October, when the rentention scheme ends. I await her reply.

Day 167: Another 20k stpes today. Just 24k needed to have completed 1m steps since the start of July.

It’s Friday, about 9.45pm. I’m going to watch Molly’s Game and have a few beers.

Day 168: Got up at just before 2pm. It’s now 10.15pm and I am just having my first beer, Today was a lazyish day, completed 12k steps.

Day 169: Completed the 1m steps with 24 days to spare. Woohoo. Now, I am unsure whether to reduce the walking I have got so used to doing? I think I might keep up an average of 11k steps a day which is all I would have needed to accomplish to reack 1m in 3 months.

I’m pleased I did it today since I :went to bed a nearly 5am this morning!

Day 170: Actually typing this on day 171. Feels weird having done the 1m steps, almost like I’ve nothing to do. However, I am of course going to keep walking but not quite as hard/much. I did feel liek I was walking myself into the ground all in the name of finishiong the task ASAP. So, today I only had one walk, did 11,5k.

Yesterday’s Italian GP was a cracker. Hamilton had a penalty and ikt ended up with Gasly winning. Full of incident including a red flag so the race ‘restarted’.

I completely forgot ot make this entry on the correct day?

Day 171: I have decided to press on with the walking - not quite so urgently as before - to see what I can achieve steps-wise in 3 months. So, today, an unusually hot day for September, I did 18k steps plus cleaned the bathroom, hoovered my room and stairs and hallway. I am fucked!

Today I have bought a set of smart scales and a new pair of Skechers. The Skechers were almost free (£69 reduced to £30ish which I had in Paypal) and the scales were £20. Still, I shouldn’t. I don’t know what will happen at the end of October when the CJRS ends plus I don’t know what punsihment will be dished out, any day now, for the speeding offence! Fuck it!

Day 172: An eventful day. Boris has restricted gatherings to no more than 6 people and will use ‘Covid Marshalls’ to police this. It’s causing a stir amongst the online community. I have set up accounts with Gurushots and Picfair to showcase my snaps. The latter offers the opportunity to sell them. I watched Anchorman 2. It was pretty good. I also postd on the Oundle chatter group about walking in front of a car the other day - the driver, a yound lady, was enchanting the way she just smiled and let me pass - I used it as an opportunity to ask about George Higgins saving a child from near death at the hands of a lorry, the post about which has disappeared.

Day 173: Lots have seen my post re: my car incident but the bait hasn’t been taken.

Sarah Haines made a nice comment about my photo posts on the Oundle Chatter group also saying that she doesn’t know me but, it turns out she does. She is James Watson’s ex from when I first moved to Oundle so we caught up on Messenger.

Rachel Harris posted a meme slating Boris about the fact we were all encouraged to go out and about (inclding the Eat Out to Help Out scheme) and now we are being sent back to ‘our room’. Some of the comments continue to slate the government. I couldn’t resist commenting that, had the royal ‘we’ maintined social distancing and remembered there’s a fucking pandemic, perhaps we might not be under impending severe lockdown, as it now looks like. I also mentioned photos I have seen (one posted by Rach herslf) whereby you could be mistaken for thinking that there isn’t a pandemic. I have finished the comment with a line about we can only blame ourselves, not the hapless government! I wonder what reaction that will get!

Day 174: Scales were delivered today. If they are accurate I am a little over 11 stones, from 12st 7lbs before lockdown. Can’t quite believe it. I have a yearly diabetic review with Lynne in October so i can check then. If the scales are wrong, I’ll be livid on 2 scores!

Friday night beers as I type. Been looking forward to them since last Saturday!

Day 175: I do not trust the new scales. I get a different reading each time I step on them and by 10-12 lbs. Fucking things. Boots arrived today - they’re going back as well. Footy season started today. Posh lost away to Acrrington Stanley. “Who are they?”

Day 176: The GP was reflagged again today (a new track at Tuscany. A red flag two races on the trot is most unusual. Hamilton won.

Day 177: I managed to get the scales working. I’m pretty much the same weight I was prior to ld (about 12.5 st). This leads me to believe that if I wasn’t doing all the walking I am, I would be as fat as a fucking house. On that note, Google Fit is playing up. It loses the step and heart point count for each walk (although the workouts retain the route map info) Wtf?

I think K and TTP might be a thing from a post I saw on FB whereby some chap (who I don’t know) commented on TTP’s post that it was nice to see him and K. Kinda gutted if it is true but I shouldn’t be. That’s all I will say on here.

Day 178: Jim contacted me today to let me know he’s leaving RCI. He was quite secretive about why and what’s going on but, there it is. He went on to say that HR will be contacting me shortly to call me back from furlough. Sueanne is taking over as team leader but that’s temporary. and that they will most likely promote from within. I struggling to think what it would be like if Mark was boss! The way RCI are and how disjointed it is with Jim as boss, I shan’t take it as read until HR do contact me. Also, I dunno how I feel about it...I have got so used to not working. But, and it’s a big but, I doubt I’ll have a job after the retention scheme finishes so, if this does pan out, it’s good. I’ll be back to job hunting while in a job, as per before the pandemic.

Also, I received an email letting me know the punishment for my speeding offence was 6 points and a £233 fine, plus costs (£90) and victim support (£34), £357 in total. More than I expected. But, no ban, so I’ll suck it up. 

Day 179: Having midweek beers. I'm in that sort of mood.

Day 180: I WhatsApp’d Jim to let him know HR haven’t contacted me. His garbled response went from telling to give them a shout and let them know he is leaving, to which I asked ‘don’t they know?’, he then said hold fire (on Sueanne’s instruction) and she has said for me to sit tight and then, finally, that HR will contact me! Fuck knows what’s going on! I had a diabetic review with Lynne today. When you go to the surgery you have to let in, which I was by Keren. It was nice to see and chat with her. She is back with Ronnie which was news to me. Then Lynne came and got me. It was nice to see and chat with her also. She weighed me and I’m 12st 3lb. Apparently in Jan last year I was over 13st!

[quarantinememoirs]

0.0 The Move

I moved to London on 1st of March 2020. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon when I took a coach from Bristol to Victoria station. Poorly packed, dehydrated after a month of good-byes and panicked that my friend I was meant to stay with would not sober up and return in time I sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the journey with National Express.

It was a sweet and sour evening. Sweet because I got reunited with my dear dear (and now sober) wife Jojo. Sour because I was tired, and my throat was sore. Two days later it was clear; tonsillitis. I had it so many times in my life I knew for sure. Something was missing though... What? The antibiotics I left in Bristol.

Next morning. No GP registration in London. The closest walk-in clinic? Middlesex hospital. Where is it? A 15 minute walk, a bus drive longer than that, and another 15 minute walk from Jojo’s. What then? A lot of buildings. A hospital smell. Confusion. A lovely nurse. Another corridor. An information desk. No walk-in clinic... ER then. Another corridor. Tears, sobbing and cry. An automatic door. A queue. A form to fill. A queue again. A half-an-hour wait. Not too bad, I thought.  Another nurse. Temperature checked. “Sit down and wait”, she said. Waited then. Waited, and waited. And then.. Sound of my name!

I walked with a doctor to an examination room. He sat me down and asked what was the problem. He nodded and listened. Checked my temperature and pressure again… Well, he tried, the thingy on my finger struggled. “Too cold; your hands...” he said and wiggled my fingers. Crappy blood circulation, nothing new.. He examined my throat. Apologised every time he touched my jumper, my hair or anything really. He did not make it weird at all. Then he looked into my throat. Then he looked at me; “can we take a picture? I will delete it after, but sometimes it is nice to discuss with a patient.” Weird, but ok. A minute later I was looking at my gross throat and my gross white tongue. Tonsillitis at its best. The doctor seemed confused… He sat down by his computer and googled: “t-o-n-s-i-l-l-i-s-i-s”. We sat next to each other, stared at the screen and compared viral and bacterial tonsillitis to the pic of my disgusting throat. “See bacterial tonsillitis, that looks just like my mouth!” I pointed out to an image struggling to talk through my sore, sore throat. “Mmmm yes..” he agreed.  Eventually we got there. I got my antibiotics. “No drinking while you take them! Take them for 7 or 10 days” he advised. Ok then, I shall call mum and ask her when I get home…

Jojo lived in a warehouse with some of the nicest people I ever met. I felt home with them after a heartbeat. Living with Jo was like a happy marriage; we had breakfast together, she went to work, I house hunted, we made dinner, watched a movie, went to sleep. Repeat. I almost did not want to find my own place…

Eventually I found my own warehouse to live in. Hackney Wick and another three of some of the nicest people I ever met. It felt right, like I found a home. I moved in on a Sunday the 15th of March after a  twisted boozy weekend in Bristol. Another poor packing job… My books, paints and plants still there. Never missed them more...

[islareeveswriting]

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Of course if that were true, Molly would never have been to see a doctor in her life. As a child Molly and her sister had all but lived off the apples from their grandparents orchard. They picked them in the late summer and ate them fresh from the tree, lying on a picnic blanket, and staring up at the hazy summer sun. It was bliss. When the months got colder, but the apples were still ripe for the picking, they stewed them to make crumbles or pies, baked them in pastry and ate them with the yellowest, fresh egg, custard. Nothing was better.

However, as Molly sat in the cold, hard chair of her GP’s office with a lollipop stick holding her tongue down it was clear, no amount of apples could keep the doctor away. Molly had been sat in that chair for a good five minutes, freezing slowly she was sure. The coat she’d worn was draped behind her so Dr Middleton could check the crackle in her chest that kept her coughing, and with just her flimsy t-shirt on, she felt the coldest she had all morning. The waiting room, where she’d sat in a vastly more comfortable chair, had been warm, heated by electric heaters that buzzed and whirred and filled the room with a stuffy, claustrophobic heat. Harry had sat beside her, and that had helped too, their arms pressed together, nothing like the closeness they’d shared the previous night, but out in the open, it felt like more of a statement to do anything more than sit as close together as possible.

Of course Harry had offered to go with her when her childhood doctor opened the door to the waiting room and called her name with a friendly smile. Molly had told him she’d be fine, with what she hoped was a reassuring grin, though Harry’s uneven eyebrows and straight lips told her she wasn’t quite as convincing as she’d hoped. Even so, she followed the doctor down the little hallway to his office alone. The doctor had aged, his dark blonde hair was flecked with grey patches and he had wrinkles around his eyes and mouth that had likely come from stress. The suit he was wearing wasn’t as smart as the ones she remembered him in, it was loose, not at all tailored to actually fit him, and it looked as worn as the man in it did.

Perhaps Molly wasn’t the only one in that room who loathed walking through the sliding doors, and being hit my the clinical smell behind it.

“Well Cecelia,” Dr Middleton started, rolling back on his chair towards his desk. “You’ve got a case of tonsillitis," He informed her, and Molly felt herself relax, she knew that well. As a child she’d been plagued with it, though not enough to have her tonsils removed it would appear. “I’ll write you up a prescription for penicillin, take two a day for a week, rest up and plenty of fluids ok?” Molly just nodded. “How’s uni going?” The doctor asked as he tapped away at his keyboard.

“Yeah, it’s fine thank you, really enjoying it," Molly told him with a smile. The doctor just nodded as his printer whirred to life and spat out a small, green piece of paper and he handed it to Molly. “Thank you," Molly murmured, flicking her eyes over it.

“No problem Cecelia, when are you heading back to uni?” Dr Middleton asked as Molly stood and began to pull her coat back on.

“Expect we’ll head back today,” Molly told him, shrugging her coat onto her shoulders and fastening the button.

“We?”

“My friend Harry drove me down,” Molly explained and picked up her piece of paper as the doctor just nodded and tried not to look confused. Trust me, Molly thought, it’s not as confusing as it seems. She thought she could feel that now, things felt a little clearer somehow, as if it all it took to fix the fog in her mind was to dive in and swim. “Well thanks doctor, have a good day," Molly smiled and headed for the door, happy, she supposed, to have a diagnosis as to why she’d been feeling so awful.

“And you Cecelia, and safe drive." Molly just nodded and pulled the door open heading back for the waiting room with her prescription clutched in her hand. It was strange how familiar the doctors surgery felt, another little piece of home wrapped up in the sterile scent and mass produced carpet tiles. Despite the ball of anxiety that knotted in her stomach, there was something comforting in the familiarity of it.

When Molly got back to the waiting room, Harry was sat where she’d left him. That morning he’d pulled a beanie on, and it had left his curls fluffy and frizzy when he’d pulled it off his head. Now he was playing with the fold of it in his lap, pulling the hem down and folding it up again repeatedly as if he’d lost something there. He’d relaxed right down in his chair, his shoulder blades surely pushing into the back of the seat as his head fell forward to stare in his lap. As Molly got closer he lifted his gaze to her, like he could feel her coming.

“Hey,” he smiled, sitting up and forward. “How’d it go?” He asked, a little nervous anticipation across his features.

“I have tonsillitis,” Molly grumbled. “Gotta grab this before we go," Molly told him, holding up the little rectangular piece of paper that everyone from John O Groats to Lands End would surely recognise.

“Ok," Harry stood then and joined Molly to leave the doctors surgery. They walked side by side, the back of Harry’s hand brushed against Molly’s, their knuckles knocking against one another like pebbles. Molly glanced up at Harry out of the corner of her eye to find him already looking back down at her, there was a soft, subtle, barely there smile on his lips, asking a silent question. The smile she offered back was the answer, and Harry didn’t hesitate to take her hand in his and wrap her fingers up with his own.

They’d held hands so many times before, Harry had put an arm around her shoulder as they walked on countless occasions, but somehow it felt different that morning. After their night, after waking up in bed together, a little drunk on being so unashamedly close, intertwined fingers seemed to hold a little more gravity than they had before.

It had been Molly who had woken up first, the curtains they’d left open the last thing on their minds the night before, letting in the bright winter morning light. The sky was perfectly blue, the kind of blue people wanted the sky to be everyday, a wash of blinding light and completely cloudless. It would be cold, Molly could tell from the slight frost in the corners of the Georgian bars across the bay window. Beside her though, Harry was delightfully warm, his body heat called her closer and she gave in, snuggling into his side and wrapping an arm around his bare middle. The movement obviously disturbed him a little, because the perfectly even, gentle puffs of air that were pushing past his slightly parted lips, hitched for a few moments, but then his arm moved behind Molly and rested around her arms, his breathing evening out again as he adjusted so they could get closer still.  

Everytime Molly had felt Harry’s skin against her, she’d felt her own skin tingle. It was smooth and soft, like warm caramel, under her touch as they cosied up under the never-used duvet. Her fingers had traced over the birds on his chest, but left it there, not quite managing to pluck the courage up to outline the butterfly let alone the ferns that continued to catch her eye. Up close the artwork was much more intricate than she’d realised, up close there was far more to Harry entirely that she’d realised. There were spots of yellow in the green of his eyes, there was a freckle on his bottom lip, and a dusting of stubble on his chin, not to mention the line of hair on his stomach. Wrapped up in one another they inspected each other subtly, Harry’s strong arm holding her close and tight.

His lips. She’d kept coming back to them, and she did the same when he held the door of the pharmacy open for her, though never letting go of her hand, and let her in. When she thanked him they curved slightly, plump, pink cushions that she longed to feel under her own. The idea alone sent electricity speeding throughout her, from fingertips to toes to hair follicles. There wasn’t an inch of her that wasn’t alive with the thought of kissing him. Yet, even with his hand on her waist, toying, literally, with the idea of lifting her shirt a little to find her skin, she couldn’t find it in her to press her lips against his.

The pharmacy was virtually empty. Apart from a little old man, bent over himself slightly, a stick in one hand and a flat cap covering his head, it was just Molly, Harry and the pharmacist. As they got closer to the desk, the old man looked up at them through watery, pale blue eyes, and Molly offered a friendly smile. For all she knew, it might be the only one he got all week. Molly’s hand slipped out of Harry’s with ease as she got close enough to the desk, the pharmacist waiting for her expectantly. Molly handed the fresh prescription over and watched as the pharmacist checked over the paper.

“Give me a second," The pharmacist said, and Molly nodded, turning on her heel expecting to find Harry just behind her, but not at all surprised to see him sat on the chair next to the old man, chatting like they’d known each other for years. Harry was grinning and nodding, chuckling a little, as the little old man talked away with a humoured little smile on his face. Endeared wasn’t strong enough for how Molly felt watching the exchange, and a smile crept onto her own face completely without intention. “Sorry," The voice was a little impatient and Molly jumped back to life, looking over her shoulder to find the pharmacist returned before turning fully. “This will be a couple of hours, can you come back later?”

“Oh right, erm, ok, erm-”

“It’s ok we can come back later," Molly flicked her head back towards Harry’s voice, he’d sat forward a little and was looking straight at the blonde haired woman behind the counter, who nodded at Harry.

“Ok, great, we’ll see you in a few hours," The woman grinned, looking to Molly again. “Mr Jeffries, it won’t be long, sorry to keep you,"

“Oh no, don’t be silly Maddie, I’ve just had a wonderful chat with this young man," Harry chuckled as he stood. “Have a lovely weekend Harry, make the most of it," Molly didn’t miss the wink Mr Jeffries offered as Harry pulled at his jumper a little to cover the waistband of his jeans once again.

“And you sir," Harry smiled, offering the man his hand to shake before turning for Molly and reaching out for her hand with careless abandon, wrapping it up in his own and waiting for her to join his side before heading for the door.

“What was that about?” Molly chuckled once they were back outside.

“Just a chat," Harry told Molly with a slight smirk. ‘Fancy brunch?”

“Sure, but it’s on me," Molly insisted, shoving her free hand into the pocket of her oversized coat as the cold air began to bite almost immediately.

“No it’s-”

“On me, yes, like I said," Molly forced, glaring up at Harry through fluttery lashes. Harry just stared back at her, seemingly waiting for her to crumble and concede, but she didn’t. Molly held her ground, and just shrugged when Harry refused to look away, as if he thought they were going to have a staring contest over who would be paying for brunch. “There’s a cute place by the river?”

“Sounds good," Harry mumbled, clearly a little disappointed with himself. “Y’know Lol, I’d really like to-”

“Nope, no arguments,” Molly cut in. “You’ve driven me all the way here, you’ve taken me to the doctors, the least I can do is buy you brunch before we have to leave again."

“About that,” Harry started, lifting his free hand and scratching at his jaw a little. “What I was going to say,” He continued, giving Molly a pointed look, “was, why don’t we just stay here for the weekend?” Harry finished, though not really, he didn’t give Molly a chance to answer before he began explaining himself; “I mean, you can relax properly that way and, obviously as long as your parents don’t mind, there’s no rush to get home," Harry pointed out.

“Do you not have rugby tomorrow?” Molly asked with a slightly creased brow. It was ingrained in her mind, Saturday’s were rugby days, and they had been most weeks since they met. It was the one day of the week they hardly spoke.

“No game this week," Harry grinned, and Molly nodded. “Do you think your parents will mind?”

“Doubt it, they’re going away anyway for the weekend, leaving when Mum gets home and dropping Jeanie off on the way," Molly explained with a shrug. It was news to her when Penny had asked her if they’d see Molly again before they headed off, though Penny was certain she’d told Molly her and her father were off for a weekend away. Not that it really bothered Molly, it wasn’t like she’d intended to be home that weekend and if Harry hadn’t been so insistent on getting her to the doctors, she’d have never known her parents weren’t at home anyway. “Well I’m happy to stay for the weekend as long as you’re sure you want to?”

“Yeah, I like it here, you can show me round your stomping ground," Harry smiled to which Molly just chuckled. “In between resting and relaxing of course," Harry warned, and it was clear he was entirely serious.

“Of course," Molly giggled.

The cafe Molly had in mind was relatively new to the area. Once upon a time it had been an estate agents, but they’d since moved further into the town centre and the building had been empty and desperate to be used for sometime before the couple who owned it now had moved from London and transformed it into a modern, spacious, cafe. It seemed it was what the town was missing, and it was always pretty busy, despite the large quantities of tea rooms and other cafes it had to compete with. Town elders had grumbled, they didn’t need anymore cafes, there was enough, it would take business away from establishments that had been in the town for generations. Though once it was open, and serving up something a little more suited to younger people and those from out of town, no one minded so much.

It wasn’t heaving, though for a Friday morning in a small English town, it would have been considered busy. The young, maybe middle aged, woman behind the counter didn’t look flustered though, she looked cool, calm and collected. There was a healthy glow about her and her dark bobbed hair was glossy and thick. She was the antithesis of how Molly was feeling when she pushed the door open. It appeared she was the only one working, and dealing with two customers at the desk, handing over money, until a sprightly young, blonde girl appeared from around a doorway.

“Hi there,” She grinned, “eating in?”

“Please," Molly told her, and the girls smile only seemed to get bigger with that as she grabbed a couple of menus and directed Molly and Harry towards a table. “Thanks," Molly whispered as she pulled out a chair and sat down, a menu appearing before her a little too quickly to have come from human hands. Or at least it seemed that way.

“So we’ve got everything on the menu, obviously,” The waitress giggled, “and we’ve aslo got bubble and squeak that comes with eggs and mushrooms or bacon, a beans and chorizo breakfast bowl, and a variety of smoothie bowls that come with three fruits of your choice and granola,"

“Great thanks," Molly grinned, and the girl simply bobbed her head before turning to walk away. Molly looked back to Harry before Harry had finished watching the waitress walk away. “Don’t ogle her like that," Molly scalded tapping the paper menu against Harry’s arm.

“I wasn’t ogling her, I’m just not sure how someone can be so sprightly working in customer service," Harry chuckled, picking up his own menu and glancing down at it, though Molly just creased her brow a little.

“I work in customer service," Molly pointed out, wondering how Harry could have possibly forgotten considering the fuss he’d made about it.

“And do you grin like a loon through every word?” Harry asked her with one cocked eyebrow.

“Not exactly the vibe," Molly told him, and Harry just shrugged in a ‘like I said’ sort of way. “Do you think I could work somewhere like this?” Molly asked, pondering it herself as she looked across the white washed walls decorated with modern prints, girls with flowers for eyes, messy sketches of palm leaves, quotes in scrawly handwriting.

“You could work wherever you want, love," Harry told her with a soft smile that told Molly he truly believed what he was saying.

“Do you think I should work somewhere like this?” Molly went on, relaxing back and dropping her menu out of her line of sight a little. Harry’s forehead dropped, a tiny crease indenting the skin between his eyebrows as he pulled his bottom lip in with this teeth before resting his tongue on it a little.

“I think you should work wherever makes you happy," Harry settled on at last. “Coyote makes you happy, that’s all that matters," Harry promised, tilting his head to one side and chewing gently on his lip again.

“You’ve changed your tune,"

“No, I have not, I said if it makes you happy, if it makes me happy is something entirely different, and I don’t want you to ever compromise your happiness for mine," Harry told her, and Molly sunk a little, pouting her lips as his words settled in. “Don’t pout, you asked," He pointed out to her. “Anyway, progress, I can talk about it without curling my fists up now," Harry jested with a wink that made Molly chuckle. It didn’t matter how much he tried, it was always clear Molly working at Coyote didn’t sit favourably with Harry. Molly had resorted to just trying not to say too much about work, it bothered her a little, but the pros with Harry far outweighed the cons, and she couldn’t see that ever changing when he made her feel so good about herself despite his qualms about her job.

When the waitress came back to take their order, they both went for coffee, whilst Harry chose the eggs benedict and Molly went for scrambled eggs on toast. If worse came to worst, and she couldn’t stomach the eggs at least she could scrape them off and have buttered toast. Conversation between Harry and Molly never ceased, chat was easy to come by, it never felt forced or like either of them were trying too hard, and when silence did come creeping, neither seemed to feel the need to fill it to save awkwardness. If anything they savoured the quiet for a few moments, taking each other in with quiet contemplation rather than what the other was saying.

Whenever Molly remembered they hadn’t even known each other six months, it felt like she was lying to herself. There wasn’t a soul she could think of, even those she considered her best friends, that she’d felt so comfortable with in such a short space of time. In Harry’s presence she simply felt calm, even when things were heated, she didn’t find herself getting so riled up in the intricacies and her mind didn’t seem to hold onto the details that might normally keep her awake at night. Somehow he lit up the parts of her she loved, and quelled the bits she disliked without making her feel any less like herself. It wasn’t something she’d ever realised she was missing until she had it, staring her in the face with yellow-flecked green eyes.

The food was as delicious as Molly had anticipated it being, and Harry seemed just as satisfied with his brunch choice. Rather than breakfast that morning, they’d opted to lie in bed until the last possible minute and Molly’s doctors appointment forced them to get up. It had been nice to lie in the morning light streaming through the window and giggle and chat, easing into the day steadily. Harry’s arm didn’t retreat from around Molly, even when she rolled away in a giggling fit, his hand just curled to hold the top of her arm to stop her going too far. It had been the best way Molly had spent the first hours of the day in a long time, but it also meant her stomach had started to growl a little, and the eggs on toast went down a treat. Better than expected if she were honest.

They finished up and Harry rested back on his chair, hands resting on his tummy, which he blew out so Molly could see the roundness of it below his jumper.

“Stuffed as a Christmas turkey," Harry sighed, letting his tummy back down.

“Lovely analogy," Molly laughed, looking past Harry to catch the eye of the waitress, who grinned and nodded before trotting off quickly to fetch the bill.

“You’re one to talk," Harry pointed out, though Molly just shrugged and grinned at the approaching waitress, who just placed the bill onto the table and smiled before flitting off again with their empty plates. “Right, pass it here," Harry requested, stretching across the table for the small handwritten receipt.

“I’m paying," Molly reminded him, snatching the paper before Harry could get it.

“Lolly," Harry warned.

“Harry," Molly returned with the same tone of voice, and slightly widened eyes to enforce her point. “You drove to Bath for me, paid for a hotel that you still won’t take any money for, took me for breakfast, bought me flowers, brought me here, literally the least I can do is buy you brunch, so you can please stop trying to be a nineteenth century gentleman and let me fucking pay," Molly listed impatiently. Harry just chuckled and rolled his eyes.

“Can’t be nineteenth century, haven’t got a top hat," Harry announced, grabbing his beanie from the pocket of his coat that was rested over the back of his chair, shaking it out a little to prepare for pulling it back on.

“Wouldn’t suit you anyway," Molly shrugged, reaching down for her bag and pulling her purse from it.

“I can pull of anything, thank you very much," Harry corrected confidently.

“Apart from green beanie hats and top hats," Molly jested, biting the end of her tongue gently as she glanced into her purse for cash, awaiting the response eagerly.

“Hey!” Harry shot, the offence clear in his voice. “You said you liked the beanie this morning."

“It’s important to be nice," Molly told him with a gleeful glint in her eyes as she smirked across the table at him.

“You shouldn’t lie though," Harry pouted, and Molly giggled as she placed cash down on the little saucer alongside the receipt. “Does it really not suit me?” Harry asked quietly, a little mumbled.

“I was joking Harry, it looks good, and you’re probably right, there’s not much you couldn’t pull off," Molly mused, grumbling herself a little, because it continued to take her by surprise the ease with which Harry wore everything from a plain t-shirt to the gaudiest shirts she could imagine that flaunted him in all the best ways.

“Got it in one love,” Harry smirked, annoyingly smug from her compliment. Molly just rolled her eyes and got up from the table, leaving the cash and Harry behind, but checking over her shoulder to make sure there was no trickery in which he ended up paying the way she knew he still wanted to. Despite their conversation, he’d watched her every move as she took money from her purse and placed it on the table, and she could almost see him bite his tongue back from offering his own money again. Harry just grabbed his coat though, and hung it over his shoulder as he took long strides towards Molly who was pushing the door open. “Thanks for brunch," He grinned, finding her hand again, quickly and easily, like it was stranger not to be holding hands as they walked down the street.

“Any time," Molly assured, and meant it, squeezing Harry’s hand just a touch as she said it.

They strolled slowly through the town for a while. It was unlikely that Molly’s prescription would be ready yet, and so Molly took the chance to show Harry around her childhood home a little. As much as she was certain she was going to end up in a big city after university, mainly because she was sure she would have to, to get any kind of decent job in her field, Molly couldn’t deny how much she loved the quaint charm of the town she’d grown up in. All the narrow streets, cobbled pavements and slightly wonky buildings that she knew by heart, all had a little story for her, a memory that filled her with bubbles of joy.

They spent an hour or so strolling around before they headed back to the pharmacist to pick up Molly’s prescription and then onto Harry’s car to head back to the house. On Harry’s instruction, Molly gave him directions for the long way home, taking in as much scenery as they could between the town centre and the little lane of a road that led to Molly’s house. Molly reeled off little stories about the places they passed, each one a trigger to a memory from her childhood - the pub she’d had her first legal drink in, the large oak tree she’d stood behind and had her first a drag on a cigarette, her secondary school that was filled with more memories than Molly could even begin to list.

“Sounds like you had a pretty sweet time here growing up," Harry mused with a soft, happy, smile. Molly just nodded as she watched her world pass by outside the window.

“Yeah, it wasn’t bad," Molly told him. Of course there were  parts of her youth that Molly would rather hadn’t happened, memories she would rather not share, who didn’t, but on the whole she had no complaints. It had been a breeze really, and full of love, always. “Well maybe one day you can drive me around Manchester and tell me all the things you got up to, bet you’ve got some stories?”

“Not really," Harry mumbled. “Can hardly remember it at all to be honest, moved down here pretty young," Harry explained, eyes fixed solely on the road, unblinking, his jaw bouncing as he bit his back teeth together quickly.

“How old were you?” Molly asked tentatively. There was an obvious feeling that Harry didn’t want to talk about his childhood, but a few hours previous they’d been curled up, skin on skin. It didn’t feel like too much to ask, to want to know just a little more about what made him, who he was beneath the layer of easy small-talk and award winning smiles perfectly kept and smudgeless. It didn’t feel like too much to want more of him, to want an invite inside.

“Seven," Harry answered quickly, a little too quickly, almost like a snap, like the words had been poised on his tongue ready for the question. Molly just nodded and turned to look out of the window again, her smile faltering, and trying to ignore the sinking feeling that she was being kept out of something she’d rather be let into.

The car ride following that was quiet. It seemed Harry’s mind was whirring as much as Molly’s, neither of them said a word. Molly was wondering what it was about her that made him not want to open up, was it something she’d done, or said, wondering if she’d come on too strong, if inviting herself into his bed was too much, and something made him think he couldn’t trust her. For the rest of the drive, Molly spent the time, watching the world go by in an unfocused blur, thinking back on every interaction with Harry she could remember, and looking at the details, trying to spot what it was that made him keep her locked out. Wondering if it was just her. In typical Molly form, her feelings felt bruised, and she looked for the fault in herself, unable to separate her self-worth from her feelings.

When they pulled up in the driveway, both Molly’s parents cars were there so Harry parked up beside them and turned the car off. Before getting out of the car Molly pulled her coat around herself a little more. As they approached evening any warmth the sun had offered in the middle of the day was dwindling, and Molly felt cold for it before even getting out of the car. She crunched across the gravel, and it was a minute later, when she was about to step up onto the front doorstep that she heard Harry’s car door slam. It shocked her out of her thoughts and she glared over her shoulder at Harry.

“That was aggressive," Molly scalded as Harry steamed towards her.

“Door slipped out my hand, didn’t mean to, sorry," Harry grumbled, though it was clearly a lie. At his sides Harry’s hands were curled into fists and his nostrils were flared wide as he joined Molly on the doorstep so she could let them in. Thankfully the house was warm, and Molly could tell the fire was lit by the smell that greeted them, it started to thaw Molly but not so much the icy atmosphere she thought she felt.

“We’re home," Molly called loudly, kicking her boots of and treading through the house with her coat still on. Harry followed suit though he carried his coat over his arms, the warmth hitting him immediately and not taking a second to heat him through.

“Oh hello, how was it?” Penny asked, fussing in the kitchen with a cloth in her hand and a bottle of antibacterial spray in the other.

“Tonsillitis," Molly told her dully.

“Ah well, good job you went then," Penny winked, looking past Molly to Harry stood behind her who smiled and nodded, hoping he was hiding the frustration underneath better externally than he was internally.

“Yeah,” Molly said, “We’re thinking we’re gonna stay here the weekend if that’s ok?” Molly asked leaning against the worktop, which Penny only batted her off from quickly.

“Yes that’s fine darling," Penny told her distractedly as she wiped over the counter where Molly had put her hands once more. “There’s plenty of food in the fridge, may as well tell Tanya not to bother picking Moseby up later then,"

“Yeah that’s fine, we’ll be here, til…” Molly hesitated, looking back at Harry.

“Sunday lunch time ish?” Harry guessed with a shrug and Molly looked back to Penny.

“Of course, not a problem at all," Penny smiled before getting back to the task at hand - making the house look spotless before they got in the car and drove away for a few days.

“Ok, we’re going upstairs, shout when you’re leaving," Molly told Penny, before turning again and smiling up at Harry nodding towards the hallway.

And shout they did. Jeanie hollered up the staircase letting the house, and probably the whole street thanks to the volume, know that they were off. Harry and Molly left her room where they were looking up cookie recipes to bake later, the conversation in the car, and the mood they’d both been in when they got out, seemingly forgotten entirely. Neither of them had mentioned it, neither planned on mentioning it, it wasn’t worth it, and honestly neither knew what to say because neither knew what exactly had happened.

At the bottom of the stairs Molly said goodbye to her family with hugs and kisses, whilst Harry thanked them for having him, and told them how nice it was to meet them. Penny and Jeanie leant forward to give him a polite kiss on the cheek, which he returned, whilst Terry offered his hand for Harry to shake. Molly just smiled on, the look on her father’s face told her he approved, he liked Harry, he would welcome Harry happily.

“So cookies?” Molly grinned excitedly, turning to look at Harry once the front door was shut behind her family and it was just the two of them.

“Cookies," Harry beamed back in reply. Molly just grinned wider and trotted away from the stairs towards the kitchen. Harry’s footsteps were quick behind her, getting closer until he was on top of her, and next thing she knew his arms were wrapped around her middle, pulling her back into him with squeals of giggles, their pace slowing with clumsy feet as they tried not to trip into the kitchen. Once their feet were secure on the tiled floor Harry turned Molly in his arms and let her step back “Christ, you’re stunning," Harry breathed, eyes flicking over Molly’s face, the features of which had his mind spinning. The blush on Molly’s cheeks was instant and loud even through the makeup she was wearing as she dropped her eyes to her feet. “No, don’t do that," Harry virtually whispered letting one of his index fingers rest under her chin to tip her face back to his.

“Sorry," Molly truly whispered, her eyes soft and heart beating wildly in her chest, so loud and fast surely Harry could hear it over their breathing. Harry just chuckled and raised an eyebrow at Molly’s apology, it had become a running joke how much Molly apologised, normally unnecessarily, and Harry’s subtle pointing out of it had Molly rolling her eyes.

“I mean it though Lolly, you are beautiful, I don’t…” Harry lost his words in Molly’s eyes, and without really thinking, he tipped her head a little more and leant his head forward to press his lips on hers at long last. It wasn’t perfect, not even close, it took Molly a second to register what was happening and it was hard to pull her lips together to kiss Harry back when he already had his lips on her. But it felt perfect. It felt right, it felt like everything slotted together just the way it had been designed to do, and set off exactly the right stirring of emotions inside Molly. It was slightly overwhelming, and a familiar feeling of being about to cry crept up in her stomach, but she bit it down, refusing to cry over their first kiss when Harry was being so gentle about encouraging her closer, and holding her jaw just right.

It didn’t last a huge amount of time, just long enough for them to work out each others lips, feel each other just enough that there was still something left to discover. When Harry let go, their mouths mirrored each other in the soft smile that pulled at the corners. Even under Harry’s golden skin there was a little blush, and Molly knew there would be one twice as obvious on her own cheeks.

“You’ll end up getting sick now," Molly told Harry, breaking the easy silence that blanketed them like a summer’s day cloud.

“Will be worth it," Harry told her, one side of his mouth lifting a little more so his dimple cratered into his cheek. Molly just pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and held the smile behind it as she gazed up at Harry slightly through her lashes. “I’m gonna want to do that again at some point," Harry told her, and Molly just nodded. She wanted to do it again as well, in fact she wanted to do it again right then, before either said another word or Harry’s arms fell from her middle or her hands dropped from his chest were they resting as if for support. So she did, she moved onto her toes and pressed one, lingering, soft kiss against his lips that were still plump and cushiony from the first. Under hers they were soft and supple and made her sure his lips were made to be kissed, and maybe hers were made to kiss them too.

“So cookies?” Molly asked quietly with that same shy, yet playful smirk. Harry just nodded, eyes a little wider than before and jaw hanging open as Molly’s hands slid down from his chest catching his stomach a little before they were at his side and slipped out of his arms.

Together they moved around the kitchen, weighing ingredients and mixing them together, both a little dazed and high on what had happened. Harry didn’t need an excuse to touch Molly or get close, but he found every single excuse he could, reaching around her for the butter and making sure his arm grazed against hers, standing behind her as she stirred things together, and reaching to hold the bowl with her, hand over hers. It was like every single fence had fallen down with just the sweetest of kisses, like there was nothing to hide behind, or from, anymore, and it felt like a whole tonne of bricks had lifted from them and their company for it.

At the back of Molly’s mind was still the look on Harry’s face when she’d asked him about his childhood. It lingered, but she ignored it, put it into a drawer with all the things she kept suppressed in her mind, all the things that might ruin something good, or tear down her happiness. There was something in the way he kissed her, in the way he looked at her like he could lose himself in her just as easily as she was losing herself in him, that made her sure that he would let her in. It wouldn’t be on invitation, he’d just open the door and welcome her in, like she belonged there too. It might take time, but she was sure it would be worth it, and she was sure all the time in the world wouldn’t be too much when it came to Harry.

The cookies baked perfectly and they enjoyed one or two whilst, between them, they rustled something up for dinner. Molly followed Harry’s instruction, happy to admit he was the vastly better cook and knew what he was doing when it came to food. Molly’s appetite wasn’t back to full strength so they settled on pasta with a tomato sauce and plenty of veggies to get some vitamins into her. Considering it was put together with an amalgamation of what had been left in the fridge, it was delicious and Molly managed the whole bowl ful and a little extra taken from the pan of leftovers on the hob.

With bellies full they reclined back on the sofa with the TV on, fire roaring and candles lit. It was sickeningly romantic, but Molly didn’t care, as she curled into Harry’s side and he wrapped an arm around her without even questioning it. It felt natural, but more than that, it felt like it was designed to happen that way, Molly had never known something to feel like that, like all the little things added up to the moment they were in now, so the moment they were in was perfect.

“Shall we put a movie on?” Harry suggested as Molly flicked through channel after channel only to find nothing that interesting on any of them.

“Sure," Molly agreed, groaning a little as she swung her legs from the sofa and got to her feet to check out the DVD shelf. “What do you fancy?” Molly asked scanning the shelves quickly.

“Hm,” Harry thought, watching Molly from behind as she looked over the DVD collection. When he didn’t say anything, too caught up in looking at her, Molly turned to look back over her shoulder at Harry. He lifted his eyes from the tight jeans that looked like they were made for her legs, to her face and smiled innocently. Molly just shook her head with a chuckle and turned back to the shelves.

“Apart from me," She smirked to herself as it rolled off her tongue with ease, she wasn’t really taking the movie collection in anymore, just hanging her tongue from her canine tooth and listening for Harry’s dark chuckle that came as expected along with a bit of movement. A quick glance and Molly found him sat up, sunken into the sofa a little large hands resting over his thighs as his curls spilt down over his firm chest. It was quite the sight, and it wasn’t just Harry whose words got caught in his throat in favour of physical attraction.

“How about we get changed into something a little more comfortable, and then we can make a decision?” Harry suggested, sitting forward a little and his hands brushing down his thighs until they were on his knees, arms bent at the elbow as if he was about to push himself up.

“Ok," Molly agreed turning on her heel as Harry got up from the sofa and followed him out to the stairs, like he was the one who had lived in the house as a child, and he was the one leading her through it.

Once behind her bedroom door, the light on, and the door shut, Molly finally le tout the little squeal that had been bubbling in her stomach ever since Harry laid his lips on hers. From the outside looking in, she was well aware she looked like a foolish teenager who had never been kissed before, but it wasn’t that really. It was more that nothing had ever filled her with so much delight. It felt entirely different to any kiss she’d ever had before. There weren’t any she regretted (well, maybe one, but she wasn’t even sure regret was quite the right word for what had happened with Niall), but she was suddenly aware ofwhat she’d been missing.

The kiss had felt exciting but it had also felt comfortable, like coming home to the best surprise she could imagine, perhaps literally.

Molly found herself something comfortable to put on. A pair of well worn leggings, they were black once, but now they were more of a dark grey from too much washing. The ankles were baggy and the elastic around the waist was almost gone, but she pulled them on over her underwear nonetheless and reached for the plain long sleeved top that was folded over her dressing table chair. It was clean, she’d worn it at Christmas and left it behind, but it hadn’t been put away yet. Lastly, she grabbed the blanket from the end of her bed, the one that had been handknitted with thick wool by her aunt when she was a child, and wrapped it around herself before heading back out of her room.

The light in Harry’s room was off, the door just open, so Molly headed straight downstairs. Harry was back on the sofa when Molly trudged into the lounge, drowned by the blanket she was wearing like a cape. He had the same shorts and faded t-shirt he’d pulled on for bed the previous night, clearly he didn’t feel the cold quite like Molly.

“Cold love?” Harry asked at the sight of her and Molly just shrugged, scooting to the sofa and throwing the blanket over where she’d later sit.

“Just gonna take my medicine, did you want anything from the kitchen? Drink? Snack?” Molly offered, backing out of the room slowly waiting for an answer from Harry.

“Erm, just a glass of water ta," Harry smiled, settling back into the sofa.

“Sure? You can have a beer, or a whiskey-”

“No, no,” Harry grinned. “Just water is fine,"  Molly nodded and turned out of the room for the kitchen to get Harry’s water and take the prescription they’d picked up earlier for the first time.

Once back in the living room, Molly giggled as Harry wiggled under the blanket he’d pulled up over himself.

“Cold?” She asked with a smile, placing his glass of water down on the table.

“No, just wanna get cosy," He told her with a half smirk, half childish grin. Molly felt butterflies set off in her, and her whole body seemed to tingle with them, as if an electric pulse was making its way around her nervous system.

“Gotta choose a movie first," Molly pointed out, hoping Harry didn’t see how on fire he set her.

“Taken," Harry blurted quickly.

“Taken?” She asked again with a slight dip of her eyebrows.

“Yeah, not seen it and been meaning to watch it," Harry explained. Molly just shrugged and found the DVD on the shelf that Harry had obviously picked out from where he was laid.

With the DVD on Molly tiptoed back to the sofa, and lingered casually, not sure whether to sit at the end of the sofa next to Harry’s feet or make herself comfortable curled up against him the way she really wanted to. Harry put an end to her internally dilemma, lifting the blanket and reaching for her wrist to pull her down to him. They didn’t say a word as Molly lifted her legs and shuffled back against Harry. His arm wrapped around her and draped over her waist, his hand feather light over her stomach.

They laid that way throughout the movie, shuffling around a little every now and again to accommodate for limbs that started to get uncomfortable, but it only made them closer. Harry’s hand stopped hovering so much and laid flat across Molly’s tummy, his fingers tickling her skin through the fabric of her shirt. It was gentle, and barely there, almost subconscious it seemed, but his touch was warm and comforting as they cuddled under Molly’s blanket.

As the movie played through Molly’s mind began to whir. The over protectiveness, the need to know where someone was, bought her mind back to Harry and his continuous insistence that he know when she was home. It repeated through her head and she lost interest in the movie she’d already seen enough times. All she wanted to know was why, if there was a reason. She thought there might be, and she thought it might open a door she wanted the key to, but the fear that Harry would freeze up like he had earlier was louder and clearer. It felt partly selfish to ask when it was glaring that Harry didn’t open up so easily for people, or maybe just her, Molly couldn’t be sure, but when things were suddenly taking bounds forwards, it didn’t feel entirely self-centred to ask about what made Harry the way he was.

“Harry?” Molly asked quietly as Liam Neeson began to negotiate with the men who had stolen his daughter. The movie was one Molly knew well, it was one of her father’s favourites, and she’d seen it enough times to know exactly what was going to happen next. Even if she didn’t know it so well though, she didn’t think she’d be entirely occupied by it considering the motions her mind was through.

“Mmm," Harry hummed, completely enthralled by the movie he’d not seen. Suddenly Molly felt a little guilty for disturbing him, like she should have kept her thoughts entirely in her head until the movie was finished. For a moment she thought about shrugging it off, telling him she was just checking whether he’d fallen asleep or not. It was plausible with how they were laid, her back against his chest, that she wouldn’t be able to tell if he was sleeping. “What’s up love?” Harry asked, his arm sneaking around her middle a little more until his hand was firmly over her belly and pulling her back into him a little more. Molly realised there was no getting away from it now, the clue that something was playing on her mind had obviously been hidden in her voice.

“Just want to ask you something," Molly mumbled quietly, and behind her Harry shifted around a little, giving her room to roll over and face him, which she did. Harry didn’t say a word, just crooked his neck to look down at her a little until Molly shuffled up so they were face to face. His eyes never left hers, waiting patiently and quietly for her to ask whatever it was that was playing on her mind, the way he always did. Harry never pushed, never urged her on and forced her closer to whatever she was tiptoeing around. He always waited for her, always waited until she got there herself, and Molly doubted he quite realised how much that meant. “You know how you always have to know when I get home and stuff?” Molly started, nibbling on her lip once she’d done so.

“Yeah," Harry nodded, but it was clear he had an idea of where he was going, and Molly swore she saw the cogs begin to turn.

“I was just, it’s just, erm…” Molly hesitated, the look in Harry’s eyes, the way his breath slowed and his jaw stiffened made her double guess herself.

“You wanna know why?” Harry finished for her, seeing the way she began to question herself and wishing she wouldn’t. Molly nodded softly, still chewing against her bottom lip, eyes darting over Harry’s face to gauge his reaction. There was a fear in her stomach that she was pushing too far, asking for too much, and he’d shut down like he had when he was in the car and she’d only feel more confused than she had before. At first Harry stiffened and looked past Molly to the wall behind her. It seemed he was fighting some sort of internal battle, like he was trying to figure something out. Eventually he swallowed and cast his eyes back to Molly. “Ok," Harry started taking a deep breath.

It was silent for less than a second, but it felt like it took Molly forever to take in all the things on Harry’s face, drowning in his eyes, as he let out the breath he’d apparently been holding. There were ghosts in irises, they were always there, and Molly had noticed them lingering before, making themselves more obvious from time to time. As they laid on her parents couch, chest to chest, one of his arms gently over her, his hand against her lower back as in case she were to roll back and fall, the ghosts were the most prominent they’d ever been. Molly could almost see the whites of their eyes, but not quite.

“It’s a long story,” Harry started with a sigh, “but basically,” Harry carried on, clearing his throat, clearly nervous, clearly unsure. “After my dad died, I erm, I came down to live with my nan,” finally Harry found Molly’s eyes again, as he started to explain, swallowing on nothing as Molly stared back at him, waiting as patiently as he ever did for her. “I lost contact with my mum, she erm, well I, the last I heard was she was going home, and I’ve not heard from her since, I don’t know if she ever even got home," Harry rambled his last words, spilling from his lips like water out of a knocked glass. It was as if once he started he just wanted to get it out. Molly heard it and inhaled deeply, holding her breath at the top and biting her jaw tight together.

When Harry had told her his father had died when he was a child, there had been a sadness in his eyes that crippled her, but it was a sadness she sort of knew. Death wasn’t a stranger, and all though she felt blessed to not have had anyone close to her pass away, she knew others who weren’t so lucky. However, the sadness, the heartbreak in Harry’s eyes when he told her about his mother, wasn’t one she could even pretend to be vaguely familiar with. It was dark and destructive, like a fire that had come from his core. It was in the way he dropped his eyes, tensed his jaw and his breath shook. More than that, it was in the way his hand seemed to get heavier on Molly’s back, his fingers trying to grip her through her shirt, as if scared he might run away. More than that still, it was the way he looked at her like the child he was when his mother walked away.

“I’m sorry Harry," Molly hardly even whispered, rolling her lips together. Any words she could have said got lost as Harry’s face slowly began to change. First he just swallowed, hard, the lump in his throat bobbing as he did so. He pinched his lips together, the raspberry pink cushions turning into one thin line as the corners started to turn downwards. There was a glisten in the ducts of his eyes that he tried to blink away quickly, thought that only met the wet travel, dampening his bottom lashes. Molly could see he was trying not to cry

“Sorry I,” Harry coughed roughly. “It plays on my mind a lot,” He carried on, his voice forcibly strong as he tried to hold his ground. “Just wanna know the people I care about are safe, sorry, I guess, I mean, I get that it’s a lot-”

“No,” Molly jumped in quietly, shaking her head. “It’s not,” She told him honestly. “I understand,” Molly promised, her hand sliding up his arm until it was resting gently on his shoulder. There was silence as Harry started to steady himself again in the sweet caress of Molly’s reassurance. Slowly he let out a long shaky breath and fluttered his eyelashes to get rid of the tears lingering in his eyes. It didn’t make any difference though, the unspilled tears just hung around, and so Molly moved her hand from his shoulder to his eyes to wipe them out of his lashes gently. For a few moments she’d wondered if he simply didn’t want her to see him cry, but as he let her wipe his tears away it was evident that wasn't the case. Harry sniffed back on nothing and nuzzled his face into the curve of her hand.

There weren’t any words left to say really. Molly couldn’t think of anything more to add, and she was sure Harry didn’t want to talk about it anymore, there was no need. He’d answered her question, he’d let her in, maybe not all the way, but at least she had an idea of what was inside now. Instead of filling the silence with empty words, Molly just moved her head forward and kissed him. His lips were damp from where he’d had them rolled into his mouth as he tried not to cry, and they felt plumper than normal, suggesting he’d been biting on them too. None of that really mattered though, when she felt him unpeg himself from the anxiety that had him tense on edge. He relaxed and encouraged her closer, pulling the blanket up over them both as they got to know one another just a little better.

AT LAAAAAAAASSSSTT! Am I right?!! Or am I right!?! Told you it would be worth it, I hope it is!? Let me know your thoughts, hopefully you’re as excited about this development as I am and for where it’s not heading eeee!

Thanks for the love and thanks to bae @harrysmeadow for being the bestest best friend ever/proof reader/life coach/everything else! 

I hope you enjoy <3

[runthejoint-blog]

The Perfect Storm



Treatment begins



Sitting in the Consultant’s office on July 1st, 2 and a half weeks before my 30th birthday I was told that my anti-CCP antibodies were strongly positive at 189. A normal reading of 0-17 is considered normal, if it had been 25 there might have been some doubt, a test here or there may have been done. But 189 was definitive. My diagnosis is seropositive rheumatoid arthritis.

What follows is a blur of medical jargon, various definitions of ‘normal’, numerous explanations of how for now I am ‘abnormal’ or have a ‘new normal’. Very little is known about what causes rheumatoid arthritis. It can be genetic (there is no history in our family), it can be the result of stressful events (hi there, last 12 months of my life), putting your body under too much high intensity physical exertion (guilty as charged) or a plethora of other factors. I will never know how or why I became classified as seropositive rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve decided there is little point dwelling on it or speculating, it makes an already stressful and frustrating situation even more so. As my dear friend Debra who herself has suffered a life-changing physical event over the past few months (and far more catastrophic than my own) says: This is our new normal. As my Consultant summarised it; everything has come together in a perfect storm for you and right now, as you sit here, you are in the eye of that storm, but it’s my job to help you weather it.



And then he said something that I appreciated more than anything else he could have said at that moment. He told me it was ok to feel angry and frustrated. For someone who doesn’t sit around for long (unless I have a good book in hand), who feels that I haven’t lived the day without getting my heart rate up to threshold and who is more comfortable in cycling kit/running shoes/a swimsuit (not in the glamour photoshoot sense, more submerged in water) being on enforced rest partly through medical advice, but also because my body just can’t do it right now it is the most frustrating, dare I say, depressing prospect. He told me he knew it was deeply unfair. That someone who was referred to a cardiologist earlier in the year for having a heart rate so low it scared my own GP was now confined to a largely sedentary period. 



Signs of a great doctor, in my opinion, are if they take the time to explain a condition and its treatment, but most of all, that they leave the decision-making for treatment with you. After all, it is your body after all. So I could start a course of steroids (they work well short term, but we all know steroids long-term is a really terrible idea), I could start on the most common form of treatment - Methotrexate (it is the magic pill for many, but has some horrific-sounding side effects and takes quite a while to build up into your system), I could take on a combination of daily steroids for a short term period of a month or two with a weekly dose of Methotrexate with a chaser of folic acid (to help reduce the risk of toxicity to the liver - told you the side effects didn’t sound a barrel of laughs) or I could do nothing (he didn’t advise this, if I thought I felt bad now, come back and see him in a few months, crippled and begging). So unsurprisingly we settled on the combination therapy of steroids in the short term whilst I get Methotrexate into my system. So now I have a drug diary (I am yet to take the plunge and buy a natty plastic pill organiser with the days of the week on - the OAP version of pants with the days of the week on from when you were a small child?!) and have a fortnightly visit to the GP surgery for blood tests to keep an eye on liver and kidney function and blood toxicity. In a couple of weeks I will have my follow up appointment with a base chest X-ray - partly to monitor whether the RA starts to affect my lungs, but also to spot whether the drugs damage them too (win-win, or lose-lose) and have had to enter territory hitherto unknown to me: being kind to my body and listening to it.


A new normal

For too long my training strategy for cycling or more recently running was to push through the pain. Don’t worry if your lungs/knees/hamstrings/shoulders/feet hurt, the pain will be temporary. Just finish this effort. Get that PB. Shave all of a second off your previous time. No one else is probably at all interested, but to me (and someone whose own addiction to similar behaviour had too much of an influence on me at the time) that was what mattered. I may agonise for hours, days, weeks afterwards that I hadn’t done well enough in my (or their) eyes. When I finished running a 5k, 10k, 10 mile or half marathon distance I found it impossible to say to myself: well done for getting out there, that head wind made it tough, still further than you’ve run before. Instead it was, why didn’t I run as fast or easily as before, why can’t I run as well as so and so, why do I feel so tired? I actually probably felt so tired because I was overtraining, not eating enough and not getting enough rest. Unlike cycling where you can tuck in with a pack or sit on someone’s wheel, it’s very hard to fake it with running. It has to be your own effort and only your mind and body can really be in control of what happens.

I have no training strategy right now. I have some ideas. I have hopes (many) and dreams (a few). I turned 30 a couple of weeks ago and rather than celebrating with an epic bike ride as I would have done any other year I had a quick dip in the sea before focusing my celebrations on cake consumption. I’m trying to swim as much as I can, initially I would swim in the sea before or during my work day as a relaxation for both body and mind. Some recent storms and a busy period at work have meant that I’ve started swimming in the local lido instead. It’s taking some adjusting going from an empty, endless ocean to swimming in a busy and chaotic pool. It’s not just the number of people that are different though. I have to force myself to relax when swimming in the pool, to not focus on what others are doing, not panic that I’m not swimming fast enough. I am trying to only look at my watch to see what time I get in and then make sure I’m out in time to shower and get to work. My addiction to pace is never far away though. I try and force it from my mind. Breathe deeply and say it doesn’t matter, but it lurks in the shadows, wanting to overtake my thoughts. This worry about not doing well enough and not putting in as much effort as others or getting as good a result as in the past (when I was at peak fitness) at times can be all-consuming and soul destroying.

A couple of months ago a very close friend said they had quit Strava (the cycling, running and swimming recording app) as they were fed up with the negative feeling that had when they couldn’t cycle following an operation and seeing others out and about made them feel worse; not to mention feeling like they had to agree to cycle with people for fear they would see their ride and would feel cut out. I said I had toyed with the idea for a while, and the closest I had got at that point was to stop following a huge number of people and focus instead on those who I was really interested in seeing out and about and who I didn’t feel I had to ‘compete with’; both in terms of cycling and running performance, but increasingly with sport:life balance. Then another friend on hearing my diagnosis and my frustration said to throw away the Garmin, stop looking at Strava and cycle based on feel and not by numbers. And so I did. I logged out on my phone and have filed the app away. I don’t miss it in the slightest. My only regret is that there are some people who aren’t on other social media platforms that I actually used Strava to keep in touch with. I know a number of you reading this probably use Strava and for a long time it kept me motivated, particularly when I moved to the States and didn’t know anyone or have the confidence to join the local bike club. Waking up and seeing that friends at home had gone out for a ride got me moving. But then the pleasure went. I would spend too long looking at it, comparing my times and in the end not being able to see why I might not be improving at something. Getting frustrated seeing that other people (who were at a completely different stage of life to me) could spend so much more time cycling and running than I could. Now I see Strava very negatively as a platform for people to log their rides and get boosted by those around them. It’s not real interaction. For many it’s not a healthy tool; it’s something that makes them feel inadequate, for others it’s a way to show off their results - yes you got a PR at your ParkRun, but do you really need to tell the whole world. When did running or cycling have to be dictated by your watch or a little screen on your handlebars? Why not just get out there and enjoy being with those you are with, or focus on the no doubt beautiful surroundings? There are t-shirts that say ‘If it’s not on Strava did it even happen?’ and ‘If I crash, someone pause my Strava’… I get that these are tongue in cheek, but for some people this really is their concern. This little orange app on their iPhone increasingly rules their life, their training routine is dictated by it. Not only is it concerning to me from a mental health point of view, but from a physical standpoint too. I will never know whether my RA was caused by too much physical exertion, it’s certainly a possibility. The number of people I know who have chesty coughs they can’t shift because they feel they need to keep cycling even though they are ill (to hit their Strava weekly mileage target), who end up with aches and pains by trying to keep up with their friends’ annual mileage and work beyond their physical limits or in the most extreme cases take unnecessary risks on the bike to get a KOM or QOM on a ‘segment’ increasingly astounds me. I know that these thoughts may not be popular, and it’s just my personal opinion of Strava from experience. If you use it and enjoy it, keep at it. But take a few minutes and think, do you enjoy it for the right reason? Do you ever do stuff you shouldn’t in hope of seeing a little gold circle, cup or crown? Is it really worth it?

What a difference a year makes…

This time a year ago I was completing day one of 14 days and 1,000 miles of back-to-back cycling to complete Land’s End-John o’Groats. I was probably at one of the fittest points of my life, certainly in terms of cycling. Little phased me. The lumpier the ride, the better. The longer the distance, the bigger the challenge, the more it would push me physically, the more appeal it had. And then my body said enough. 

Looking back there may have been signs as far back as a year ago that I was beginning to have some issues with my body, but on the whole the 14 days whilst a challenge were totally achievable. Today I feel exhausted if I work a full day in the office and try and do some form of gentle exercise whether swimming or Pilates (two sessions in and I’m disappointed to report there is no sign of a six pack yet). The sofa is my territory on weekend afternoons. Not out of choice, but out of necessity when I run out of steam.

I don’t know what lies ahead in terms of physical challenge, whether I can expect to be able to sign up for some multi-day challenges next year or some one day classics. I am trying to focus on the here and now, getting out there if I feel good, but also not chastising myself if I feel whacked. At the beginning of July I ran a 10k trail run with a very good friend. We had planned it pre-diagnosis and I thought of it as a kind of last hurrah (I still don’t know if I’ll ever be allowed to get back to running), and how hard could 10k be? Well to say I ran it would actually be a complete lie. I managed two miles before my lungs, heart rate and feet started to wail and the heat of the hottest day of the year got too much. And so began a highly frustrating walk-run routine. I would walk and recover and think I could run, only for a few minutes later to feel completely wiped out once more. As we eventually neared the finish line (a 10k course which was actually over 7 miles) I was told there was a small climb to the finish and I spurred the man next to me on to run to the line and in the last moment managed to get my foot over the line in front of him (the finish strong mentality is still very much there, thanks Kevin!). As we crossed the line and I hugged my friend, something completely unexpected happened. My face and clothes that were soaked through with sweat and from being hosed down by spectators, were now being moistened by salty tears, uncontrollable tears flooding down my cheeks. I was frustrated. I was angry. I was mourning my former self. I mourn the fact that a few months ago a 10k was effortless, that a few months ago I had planned to run the 50km ultra marathon of the same event, that I will go home and be wiped out for days by it. 

I constantly have to tell myself that it’s good I can still exercise at all, that I still have a fairly normally functioning body that means in time I will be able to cycle again, that I can swim, do yoga, Pilates and walk. And I should be grateful for that. I feel bad that I moan so much when a couple of close friends have become stricken by incredibly unfair events in recent months and currently are not able to use their bodies much at all. I feel guilty and selfish that I get so angry at feeling so restricted. I laugh when friends tell me they admire my positivity (I feel so lacking in positivity). Nothing stops the emptiness and inadequacy I feel at not being able to get out and live the life that until a few months ago I thought was unlimited.

[heeydolan]

Marry Me {G.D.}

Summary: An invitation to Grayson’s wedding wouldn’t be triggering so many feelings for Y/N if he were marrying her. Still, she attends the event but quickly realizes how hard it will be to hold back emotions once the day arrives.

A/N: I’ve seen a ton of writings based off of the song Marry Me by Thomas Rhett but I decided to put a twist on it! So that is what this imagine is inspired by! ; )

Warnings: N/A

WC: 2.9k

masterlist

Y/C = Your City

August 3, 2020

It has only been about 3 years since Grayson and I decided to go our separate ways.

Our romantic relationship had ended but we mutually agreed to continue to be friends.

I knew in my heart I would always love him but I never knew missing him would never stop.

We met in January of 2016. Soon after his wisdom teeth video came out, I told him how I felt about him and made sure he knew he was more than good enough. We broke up in early December of 2017. Our schedules were getting too hard to sync with each other. Him traveling between New York for TRL and LA for YouTube put a toll on us. My schooling, work, and family & friends all being in Y/C made it hard for me to pick up and visit him.

Even after the breakup, we continued talking almost everyday through texting, snapchat, or quick FaceTime calls. It was so obvious we were still so in love with each other.

That is until almost a year later when he began dating Sara Bradley. The FaceTimes stopped, the random 'how was your day' texts were not received anymore, and the snapchats were slim to none. I understood, though.

I had found a boyfriend and we dated for about a year. I eventually broke up with him before we got any deeper into our relationship. I had unconsciously been comparing him to Grayson with everything he did so I ended it when I accepted the fact I was still hung up on Grayson. It wasn't fair of me to drag him along and basically treat him as a rebound.

I open one of the white envelopes I had just taken out of my mailbox and my heart drops as I read the invitation inside.

Please Join Us For The

Wedding of

Sara Bradley & Grayson Dolan

as we celebrate their joining as one.

September 12, 2020 @ 3 o'clock pm

417 County Rd 513, Califon, NJ

I sit the invitation down on the island in my kitchen. I let a tear slip from my eye as I continue to stare at it and think about how I always hoped we would find our way back to each other.

He is my person.

Now there's no way for me to get him back.

- - -

September 12, 2020

I take one last glance at myself in the full body mirror before turning in my heels and walking out of the hotel room.

When I reach my rental car sitting in the parking deck, I slide in. I feel my heart break a little more as I spot the wedding gift I brought for the soon-to-be newly weds sitting in the passenger seat. I wrapped it in a t-shirt I had kept of Grayson's. I figure now is a good time to return it since it wouldn't be appropriate for me to continue holding on to it.

-Flashback-

"Is that my shirt?" Grayson asks me through our FaceTime call. I had been wearing it this whole hour we've been on the phone and he just now noticed.

I giggle and shrug my shoulders, "Yeah, it is."

"Looks good on you," he looks down awkwardly, "guess I have to steal it back next time I see you." We have been broken up for about six months now and I have no plans on returning this shirt.

"I'm going to conveniently forget to ever give it back to you."

-End of Flashback-

I slowly walk up to the gift table and set mine down. I take a quick glance at the picture of Grayson and Sara that is on display. I quickly turn around to walk towards one of the waiters carrying a tray of full wine glasses.

"Wine ma'am?" He grabs a glass and pushes it in my direction while he mumbles a description of it.

"Thank you." I take it and sip at it as he walks away.

"Y/N!" I hear a familiar voice call. I look to the direction the voice came from and immediately see Ethan walking towards me.

"Hey E!" I grow the first real smile since the day I got the wedding invitation. He pulls me into a hug and I notice how much his scent smells like Grayson used to.

"Are you here with anyone?" He looks around me, trying to find someone who came with me, but fails.

"No, I flew out alone." I take another sip of my wine and notice the glass is quickly beginning to empty.

"So are you still living in Y/C?" He questions.

"Yes, I am." I chuckle out. 

Ethan's phone begins to ring, "It's Gray, I better go tend to the little drama queen. I'll find you during the reception though!" He quickly says as he is walking away.

"Sounds good, but you're still the drama queen Ethan!"

"No way! I've never been a drama queen!" I watch as Ethan disappears into a room nearby then I focus my attention on the rest of the people here.

Half of them I recognize as family and friends of Grayson that I had met when we were together. The other half I assume are guests of Sara.

A couple people come up to me and greet me, letting me know it's nice to see me after so long.

"Y/N is that you? Wow I haven't seen you in 3 years!" I hear a voice behind me.

"Lisa! Hi, yeah! It's been a while." I pull her into a hug then turn to Sean who is standing by her side.

"How are you?" He asks as I hug him.

"I'm surprisingly good." I lie, "are you guys doing ok? Today's a big day for y'all too!"

"Oh, well," Sean begins, "we, uh–" Lisa cuts him off.

"–we're happy Grayson's happy." she says with a little uncertainty in her voice. "But hey, it was really good to see you, sweetie. We're going to take our seats now. It's about to start."

We say our goodbyes and I watch as they walk towards the double doors that lead to where the ceremony is being held.

"That's who he should be marrying." I hear Sean whisper to his wife. I see her nod her head as if she's agreeing. I lightly smile to myself then I decide to walk in, too.

I take a seat in the back row. Time seems to be going by so slow as I wait for the wedding to begin.

I start to think I should go find Grayson and just tell him how I feel. Lay it all out with no regrets. As much as I want to, I just know I can't put him in that position. I can't be the reason this day is messed up. If he had second thoughts because of me, I'm sure he wouldn't have went through with this.

Finally, the wedding is beginning. Grayson is standing at the alter waiting for his bride to walk through the doors and straight to him.

Once the music starts, the double doors open. A train of bridesmaids and groomsmen walk down the aisle. This includes Cameron as a bridesmaid and Ethan as the best man.

I begin to wonder if Grayson even knows I'm here. I try not to look up at him too much due to the fact I don't want to know if he's looking at me or not.

Sara begins walking down the aisle with her dad. She looks gorgeous and that makes my heart break into even smaller pieces than they were before.

I quickly turn my focus on Grayson. His eyes are glued on his bride as she slowly walks towards him. He has a slight grin on his face but besides that he is completely frozen in place. I assume this is due to the fact he knows mostly everyone is staring at either him or the girl he's about to marry.

The officiant begins the wedding. I tune out everything and get lost in my thoughts. I feel a tear sneak out of my eye and I quickly wipe it away. I try to focus back on the event occurring in front of me but realize I'm too lost in my thoughts about Grayson that it's practically impossible.

The tears begin to silently pour out of my eyes and with that I know I have to get out of here. I walk towards the closest exit and quickly open it to escape.

I don't even worry about the door and if it slams shut or not– which it does– I just run. I run to my rental car and I get in as quickly as I can.

I make my way towards the only place I know how to get to in New Jersey without a GPS.

Grayson's P.O.V.

I call Ethan as I stand in the dressing room alone. He doesn't answer but seconds after I end the call, he's walking into the room with me.

"What's up bro?" Ethan questions me as he shuts the door. The voices of guests from the other side of the wall quickly dim down.

"I can't get this stupid tie." I reply with anger. I fiddle with it for a few more seconds until Ethan makes his way over to help.

"Chill, I got it." He quickly fixes it with no problem and I take a seat, putting my face in my hands. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not but," he pauses and I look up, "she's here bro, alone."

My heart completely drops with those words. I knew exactly who he was referring to as 'she'.

My love for Y/N never really went away. I started dating Sara to kind of get over Y/N. Don't get me wrong, I do love the girl, it's just different when it comes to Y/N. Once Y/N got a boyfriend, it was obvious she was over me. Things with Sara went on, day by day, and eventually I asked her to marry me.

Ethan saw straight through it, though. That's why he told me Y/N was here. That's why he told me she was here alone.

"Ethan," I begin, "I love her so much and I miss her more than anything in this world. I can't–" I'm cut off by the door opening. Luckily, it's just my sister.

"Hey, Gray," Cameron peeks in, "this is from Sara." She extends her arm out and hands Ethan a box. I stand up and start pulling at my hair, pacing the room.

"I didn't get her anything, shit."

"She said you would say that," Cameron simply says, "she said not to worry about it." And with that she shuts the door and is gone.

Ethan hands me the box and I open it. I pull out the brand new rolex watch. It has a tag on it that reads "See you at 3:00. Xo, Sara."

I pull out the piece of notebook paper that is also in the box.

It reads:

Graybear,

     Today is the day you finally make me your wife and I make you my husband. You are the man of my dreams and I couldn't have picked a better partner for the rest of my life. I'll keep this short so you can finish getting ready, but I love you. Thank you for being perfect.

      Xoxo,

          Sara (almost) Dolan

I sit the paper down on the table and put the watch back in the box.

"You good?" Ethan asks.

"I–I–"

"–Grayson, we're ready for you." The officiant cuts me off by opening the door.

I gather myself and walk to my spot on the stage. Tons of people are here, fulfilling Sara's dream of having a huge wedding. The seats are completely full, familiar faces and some not so much. But there is one face I see that begins to change my mind about everything.

Y/N.

I don't stare at her due to the fact there are a lot of eyes on me but I do keep thinking about her.

Like Ethan said, she is here alone. I could just run up to her now and kiss her and profess my love for the girl. But what if she does have a boyfriend? And what if she's over me?

My thoughts are interrupted by the music beginning to play. I watch as everyone walks down the aisle, my eyes darting back and forth between them and Y/N.

God she's beautiful.

Once Sara is in view, I keep my eyes on her. I force a smile on my face but for the life of me, I can't move and I can't smile any bigger than this creepy smirk.

That's when I start to wonder. Why am I going through with this? Why am I standing here waiting for someone who doesn't even compare to the girl I want to be with?

But still, I do nothing to stop this. It's like my body won't let me.

Sara and her father, now standing in front of me, hug as he gives her away to me. She steps up on the stage and takes both of my hands.

With everything in me, I keep eye contact with her. It seems to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life but I assume it's because Y/N is sitting on the other side of the room.

When I was with her, I could never stop staring at her. I took every chance I could to soak up her beauty.

I hear a door slam and I unconsciously look to the exact spot Y/N is.

She's gone.

I force my attention back on Sara and listen to the preacher.

"Now, do you, Grayson Bailey Dolan, take Sara Grace Bradley to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in–"

"I can't." I hear myself say.

"What was that?" The officiant questions my words.

"Graybear?" Sara squeaks out, obviously on the verge of tears.

"I can't marry you." I pull my hands away from her, "I'm sorry." And with that I begin running to the place I knew Y/N would be.

Y/N P.O.V.

I take a seat in a booth towards the back of the small diner, my back facing the door.

"I haven't seen you here in a while." The familiar waitress walks up to me. "I heard that Dolan boy you were always with is getting married today. I always thought it would be to you." I give her a small smirk but look back down at the menu.

"I'll just take a coffee, please."

"Coming right up sweat heart." She walks away but quickly returns with my cup of coffee.

I sit here and just think.

On a scale from 1-10, how stupid am I for showing up here? What made me think I could sit through Grayson's wedding and think it wouldn't rip my heart out?

"It's you." I hear a voice behind me, "It's always been you, Y/N." I slowly turn around, not knowing if the out of breath man is who I think it is or if I’m just completely losing it.

As soon as our eyes met, I jumped out of the booth and wrapped him in a hug.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting married right now?" I question, tears falling from my eyes for the billionth time today. He pulls away from my embrace and begins to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

Holding my face in his hands, he speaks, "No, I shouldn't be getting married right now. Not to her. Not to anyone unless it's you, Y/N. I love you. I've loved you since the day I met you in the airport and I loved you more when you told me I would always be good enough for you. My love grew for you the day I officially asked you to be my girlfriend when we were watching that stupid movie in the basement at the old house." We both chuckle, tears still falling down my face, "The day we broke up, believe it or not, my love grew for you then. I knew it wasn't what I wanted but we were stuck in an unhealthy cycle we just had to get out of. Seeing you in a relationship made me love you more but at that point I knew I would never have you again. I thought you moved on, found someone better. Someone who had time to give you. Trying to love Sara made me love you more. She never has and never will be able to compare to you or the love I have for you. You, Y/N, are the one for me. The one I want– no, need– to be with."

"Grayson–" He cuts me off by pulling my lips to his. I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my back, picking me up off the ground.

We hear cheers from the waitresses and the other few customers in the small diner. I smile into the kiss and pull away, looking into his gorgeous eyes.

I have missed this, him, us more than anything in the world.

"I love you, too, Gray." I whisper against his lips.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” 

[imkeepingtrack]

Recap: 18.5.19

Had a blood test this morning to check my T levels. It was at a different GP surgery to normal, and the nurse (I think?) doing it was so much less rushed. It was nicer.

Got back and had a letter from DrP. It said she didn't want me to run out of my meds and how to request more. Except my mum told her when I stopped taking them 2 months ago, and even if she hadn't I would have run out like 6 weeks ago. It also said she thinks I need blood tests and that got me suspicious because there's no way my mum and DrP coincidentally thought of it at the same time. So I asked my mum, and at first she denied it, but then said they had talked about me. I'm so fed up of everyone talking about me.

Went to the post office with my mum to collect my testogel. I've almost run out. It had been ready to collect for 9 days but for some reason my mum didn't bother?

Got some steri strips but my hand wound is kind of full of stuff now? So there's no point putting them on. I'm taking them to college tomorrow just in case though.

M dropped off some cookie dough she bought. She got a multipack of 4 tubs but only wanted 2 herself. I ate a whole one and then it was lunch. Cheese scones, which I've been asking for for weeks. It was a mistake to eat the cookie dough first. I felt very full and so, so tired.

I accidentally fell asleep just sat in bed. I got woken up after maybe an hour or an hour and a half? And we went out for dinner.

Dinner was nice. It got quite loud and I had to put my headphones on though. I had a BBQ pork pizza which was good. B1&2 had puddings but me and my mum didn't. There was nothing I particularly wanted and I just wanted to get out of there. My tolerance for being out is really low, and I'm exhausted because panicking takes a lot of energy.

I was really tired walking back from dinner and got into my pyjamas straight after we got back, but didn't go to bed. It's midnight now. I'll go to bed soon.

I got non stick dressings yesterday and that's what I've been putting on my hand, but I still had ones from college that stick on my leg wounds. The tape was really stuck to my skin (it's been on since Thursday or Friday) and I've got sticky residue on my legs. When I took the dressings off they opened the wounds again. I kind of want to leave them uncovered tonight but they'll probably make a mess. I don't really want to use up all the non stick dressings though.

I cut my legs. Not at all deeply, but quite a lot. I'm going to try to hide the blades before I go back to college tomorrow. I am 99% sure they won't check my bag, but just in case.

I've downloaded a load of BBC documentaries about mental health, as well as the first season of 13 reasons why. Not great decisions, but I don't care. Honestly the biggest thing that's been stopping me watch 13 reasons why isn't that I know it'll make me feel like shit, it's that I own the book (and have done for years) but haven't read it yet, and I always read the book first. I might end up watching it this week though. I don't have the energy, concentration, or motivation to read at the moment.

I don't have to get up in the morning, but B2 does and he'll probably be noisy. Hopefully I'll either sleep through it or get back to sleep. My mum's going to take me back to college about 3:15.

My digestive system is actually having to do things and it doesn't seem to be particularly enjoying it.

My anxiety is definitely worse in the mornings. I spent a lot of this morning panicking, but this evening was less bad. Except I still cut. It calmed me down more so hopefully I'll get to sleep ok. Idk. I just feel like I have to do it.

One of our cats is sleeping on my bed (boy cat). I don't normally let them in overnight because I can only sleep with my door closed and at some point they scratch at the door to get out and wake me up, but he's just so lovely I couldn't not let him in. Apparently he sleeps on my bed a lot when I'm at college.

I need to shave tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll get round to it, but I do need to.

Food:

Pack of cookie biscuits - 11:00

Cookie dough - 2:15

Cheese scones, veg, prunes - 3:00

Pizza - 7:00

Easter eggs - 9:30-11:00

[sbknews]

"It's great to be back!": MotoGP raring to race at Misano

The pre-event Press Conference gets the paddock in gear for another classic showdown on the Riviera di Rimini. We're back in business at Misano World Circuit Marco Simoncelli and the pre-event Press Conference for the Gran Premio Octo de San Marino e della Riviera di Rimini saw Championship leader Fabio Quartararo (Monster Energy Yamaha MotoGP) joined by home hero and recent winner Francesco Bagnaia (Ducati Lenovo Team), reigning World Champion Joan Mir (Team Suzuki Ecstar), form man Aleix Espargaro (Aprilia Racing Team Gresini), MotorLand dueller Marc Marquez (Repsol Honda Team) and local legend Valentino Rossi (Petronas Yamaha SRT) - as well as the returning Franco Morbidelli as he moves to Monster Energy Yamaha MotoGP. Here are some key quotes! Fabio Quartararo: "In Aragon something went wrong, we analysed everything and everything was quite clear. It’s good to have a back-to-back race here to forget last week a little bit and to know what to do the next time we go to Aragon. Here is a place I love, last year we had some struggles but this year with the new bike I’m feeling much more confident and I think we can fight for a great result. The weather looks like it could be mixed... "The weather will be the same for everyone. I will try to do my best of course and I’m hoping for the sun to stay until Sunday night." Francesco Bagnaia: "I’m happy first of all, last week was incredible, from the start I felt great with the bike and everything was clear from the start. My first victory, I was not expecting a first win like this because I never fought like this in MotoGP and to win my first race was very nice. I enjoyed all the weekend a lot but more the race because it was nice to have this type of battle. "For this weekend, I’m really happy in front of our fans in the crowd so it will be nice to race like this. It’s a track where I was strong last year, I did a mistake in the second one, but first one I got my first podium. I’m just very happy and motivated to race here after last week’s win. I know it will not be easy. The level is very, very high. It’s very difficult to predict what you will do during a weekend but I’m sure we will fight. What did he learn from watching MotorLand back? "Just try to do everything well in the race. When you work a lot on your pace during a weekend, during the sessions, you arrive more prepared to the race. You can’t predict what your rival will do during the race. When Marc started to overtake, I just tried to not let him do any corners in front and this was the key I think, because I won." Joan Mir: "Let’s see on Sunday and tomorrow how I feel on the bike. This is a track I enjoyed a lot last year, in the two races we did I was able to be strong. We missed the fast lap a lot last year so that’s something we’ll focus on this Grand Prix, we will try to make the same step like we did in Aragon and where we are more or less. It will be difficult again to be fighting for the podium, but I will try, the bike works well here and we have some things to try, so let’s see. "For sure we will try it (the ride height device), I don’t know, because we have to continue working on that. It’s true with the device we gain a lot of acceleration but we also lose a lot of time on the braking area, so we need an evolution. Let’s see what the team brings and if we are able to only get the extra acceleration without losing different things." Aleix Espargaro: "It is a different story to fight for the top 15 to fighting for the top 5. It’s a different approach to the weekend. I think we did a good job, not just in the races in Aragon and Silverstone, but in the practices, preparing the bike with long runs and used tyres. This is what it is all about. I will try do the same for this weekend in Misano. It’s an important weekend for Aprilia and the team, in the past it hasn’t been easy for Aprilia, but this year’s bike is another story. I will try to maintain the level, which won’t be easy, but I’ll try my best. And the RS-GP has tested here lately... "Let’s see, in the last months Dovi tried tests here and Maverick also three weeks ago. He was here learning how the bike worked so he didn’t try anything new or different that we could use. No big advantage from the test they did in Misano but the bike is working well without touching many things in the last races and that’s what we will do tomorrow morning." Marc Marquez: "Yeah of course Aragon has been a great weekend to come back on the podium and extra motivation to continue my progress. But it’s true here in Misano we will come back to our 'real' moment. It’s not very far from the top guys but still it’s a bit far and I can’t ride how I want, so I can’t say a lot. In FP1 I will understand straight away where I am, what I can do this weekend and yeah, the target is to be close to the top guys." Is the upcoming Misano Test vital for Honda? "On Tuesday and Wednesday maybe it’s time to introduce some new ideas for next year. They are prototype bikes and it’s a constant evolution, so for next year we need to improve the bike but I need to improve my skills and performance, if we improve a little bit on both sides we will be able to fight for the Championship. If some of these sides we still struggle, then it will be more difficult." Valentino Rossi: "Misano is always a special weekend. I live very close, Tavullia is very close, but I also grew up at this track as a rider. The first time I tried a motorcycle was here in Misano, in 1992 I think so 30 years ago, and it’s always great and emotional and we have a lot of fans during the weekend. It will be very important to give the maximum to be competitive and be strong because this is the most important thing. "We wanted to try see the race together with Pecco on Sunday, but we didn’t have the chance. I saw the race alone and it was a great race with a fantastic battle to the last lap. Pecco rode incredibly. We are very proud because Pecco and Franco will ride with two of the best teams with the best bikes and I think they can fight for the Championship so we are very happy and for sure I will follow next year from my sofa!" Franco Morbidelli: "It’s great to be back. I’ve been missing quite a lot the sport, the people and the paddock. It felt like a long time. I’ve been trying to work at my best to recover, heal up and return as fast as possible to be here in Misano which is a track that I really like, and a track I have great memories on of course. Just great to be back. I feel quite ok right now with the knee, it’s not that bad, but I will have to see what happens tomorrow on track. "First of all I have to thank my former team, we did a wonderful job together. I had two wonderful two and a half years with them, we did great things, we achieved great things together. And I had the chance to show and to put on track my full potential with them, so I have to thank them a lot. Now a new chapter starts with the factory team. It feels great, many, many people I know already, many people inside and outside the pit box working for you. Re-joining Fabio, that’s yeah a good thing as well. I’m happy. I’m just happy that I’m here again and start doing what I can do. A with these colours it feels even better!" That's a wrap on the talking, now it's time for the racing. Tune in as Free Practice begins on Friday morning, before Sunday sees the lights go out for MotoGP™ at 14:00 (GMT +2)! For more MotoGP info checkout our dedicated MotoGP News page Or visit the official MotoGP website www.motogp.com Follow us on social media: Instagram: @superbikenews Twitter: @sbknews Facebook: @superbikenews Bagnaia (L), Rossi and Morbidelli (R) gear up to take back their territory SBN Directory - add your motorcycle related business here

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[dirix]

Home

Well, yea Im here again. I feel good. Acually better than last time here. Mum seems nice, I’m calm about making own small decisions which made me feel really good. I had great time with mum in car as we were driving home. And also bought that tv table so now it just like I planed. Sadly, yes May for now is my most money crushing month. But like my bf says :” It’s just a thing” So it ok. Also took lot of trash and stuff from apartment making 1 room almost totally empty. So I’m really hapy about that. We visited Ikea and both mum and sis were again so suprised how good I know this huge shop. Now I’m going to sleep in too small clothes. We also were stuck in traffic because of terrible accident. And what pissed me off, people act like dumb zombies. Pulling phones out and recording, leaving cars and all shit. Shame we dont see that this behaviouur is bad anymore.  Anyway, we used my GPS in phone from my bf with brand new battery and it so fucking awesome. It still have 70% and I was chargint it 6h ago, when old battery was dead after 1 hour. It so cool. But yea, other that this nothing much. I left roomage in my room so he can watch sucker on my Tv. I don;t like it because I keep all money and expensive stuff in my room. It not like I dont trust him, I just like to “Blow air on cold dish” to not get burned. But yea, I need to start studying for my exams. I passed 2 already, really hard ones. So now I need to crash this last one and I will have defence of raport and then graduading of first lv of PT.  goodnight 

[h0ldthiscat]

all the redheaded women I was Totally Gay For before I realized I was Totally Gay

We’ve all looked back and been like, “Really? With that USWNT magazine page slipped inside the cover of my Algebra 2 binder I didn’t think to ask myself if I was a lesbian?” Here is an almost comprehensive list of actresses who made young me weak in the knees, but still didn’t get me to ask myself, “Am I gay?”

Joely Fisher

Inspector Gadget was one of the first movies I remember wanting to watch again and again and again. I guess I just really admired Brenda’s spirit and positive attitude in the face of this sweet buffoon (played by my small musical theatre husband Matthew Broderick) she had to deal with all the time. I definitely wasn’t confused by the feeling I got when the bad guy makes a robot version of her with Jessica-Rabbit-colored hair whose boobs were beyond...

Sigourney Weaver

If you were finishing elementary school in the late 90′s, you also read Louis Sachar’s Holes with your class. You also were still young enough to be excited when the movie came out a few years later. If you were me, you were SO EXCITED to see how the character of the Warden would be brought to life on screen, a character who jumped out at you on the page. A woman was the boss? She slapped men across the face with rattlesnake nail polish?? She answered the door to her cabin wearing a tanktop and put a denim button-down over it as she let them inside??? This is the first character I firmly remember wanting to BE. (A dream that was later realized in college when I dressed as her as part of a group costume for a literary-themed party. At this party I also still did not know I was gay.)

Carla Gugino

My parents were pretty overprotective, so movies that most kids saw when they were originally released, I didn’t see until a couple years later after my parents had had time to deal with the fact that their daughters were 12 and 10 and that they could probably watch a PG-rated movie called “Spy Kids.” The joke was on them, because the flipside to waiting to let your kids watch a movie is that they’re old enough to get all the innuendos that go over 8-year-olds’ heads. /shrug emoji. Either way I was gay for Ingrid Cortez and didn’t know it. 

Maureen O’Hara

A movie that I WAS allowed to watch was The Parent Trap. Nope, not the Lindsay Lohan one. The original from 1961, starring Maureen O’Hara. When she comes down the stairs after shedding her uptight Bostonian clothes and becomes a breezy California divorcee? Let’s get together, yeah yeah yeah... Also, is anyone noticing a pattern? I wasn’t! Strong-willed red-haired women were featured prominently in almost every one of my favorite movies? What a coincidence!

Debra Messing

It’s Debra Messing you gays! A year or so after Will & Grace went off the air, syndicated reruns would show on some unwatched network channel in my hometown (think CW but somehow less cooler than that). From 5-7pm on Sundays, I would plop myself in the basement and watch them all intently, thinking how cool Grace was with her fancy apartment and grown-up job and fashionable clothes. WHO WATCHES WILL & GRACE FOR GRACE?? When my mother would inevitably come downstairs to check on me, I would switch the channel to an O’s game, or simply go, “Just flipping through channels!” We did not have cable. There were 8 channels. Megan Mullally was also a crucial step on my road to lesbianism, but Debra had my confused little heart first. 

Geena Davis

Do you guys remember that show Commander in Chief, where Geena Davis played the VP and became president after the actual president (Kiefer Sutherland??) got sick or impeached or something? No? That’s because it was terrible and only lasted for one season, but I was allowed to stay up to watch it and “learn a lot about politics”. You guys, HOW WAS I STILL JUSTIFYING THIS TO MYSELF??? I literally had no interest in politics! I just liked Geena Davis because I had seen her in Stuart Little and was inexplicably drawn to her angelic face!!! Don’t worry, we’re about to have a small breakthrough. 

Kate Walsh

Could I have survived college without Grey’s Anatomy? Probably not. Could I have explained the series of Facebook statuses every Thursday saying things like “Kate Walsh please marry me” and “I’m obsessed with Addison” and “Call me Mrs. Kate Walsh”? Probably not. Could I have created a Twitter account for any other reason than to follow Kate Walsh? I guess. But that’s totally why I created my Twitter account. Literally. She’s the first person I followed. 

Kate Winslet

Guys, I made it through high school without ever seeing Titanic. I know. I KNOW! When I was a kid, it was watched at every slumber party that I was not allowed to attend, so it wasn’t until a quiet Sunday after my first year of college that I got to watch it in full. My life? Changed. I distinctly remember tweeting from my freshly-minted Twitter account, “Kate Winslet’s boobs make me depressed that my boobs will never look that good.” I fell HARD and FAST, changing the background on my laptop to this photo:

Later that year, when I took my laptop to Best Buy to get it repaired, they had me log in so they could install some software. “Who’s that?” my dad asked when the picture came up. “Um, Kate Winslet,” I said quietly. I knew I wasn’t gay, so there was nothing to hide per se, but I also knew most 18-year-old girls didn’t have women as their desktop backgrounds. “Huh. It doesn’t look like her,” he said with a shrug. Crisis averted. I spent that summer finding every one of her movies I could at the library and watching them on my laptop after everyone had gone to sleep. I saw her boobs in a lot of them. I was confused, but kept telling myself, I’m studying to be an actress. She’s a very good actress, and the reason I’m so obsessed with her is because I want to know how to be better! I used this line on myself for an incredibly long time. 

Julianne Moore

My obsession with sweet sweet Julianne began SPECIFICALLY when I saw The Kids Are Alright. I know. I KNOW! A seminal film on my queer journey. Although, if I’m being totally honest, I was also mesmerized by her guest stint on 30 Rock where she had that horrible beautiful Boston accent. But I liked The Kids Are Alright so much that I checked it out from the library twice in a row, telling myself again that I was studying the acting, and that I was so invested because my two best friends were in a lesbian relationship and I Related And Understood!

Pepper Potts

Notice I did not say Gwyneth Paltrow (although my obsession with Pepper did briefly lead to an obsession with GP herself, where I subscribed to goop for a year and bought all her songs from Glee on iTunes. I know.). My obsession with Pepper also got me avidly writing fanfiction again and it’s the reason I got on tumblr, so.... thanks? I have been lowkey lurking in the MCU fandom as of late because apparently she and Tony are back together in the next movie sooooo guess it’s time to break out the Stark Industries t-shirt I own.

Darby Stanchfield

Don’t worry guys, we’re so close. We’re almost there. Darby was the last in a long line of redheads who I saw and still thought I was straight. I first fell in love with her as Helen-the-mom-who-wears-pants on Mad Men, but obvi Abby Whelan is another Rhimes redhead who I am nutso for. Now well into my early twenties, I clung to the last threads of my heterosexuality as we got network tv sex scenes featuring her and a series of men who made me go, “really? The two of them? Ok...”

Gillian Anderson

I really couldn’t tell you why she’s the straw that broke the camel’s back. Why suddenly, months before I started watching The X-Files for the first time, I said out loud to a good friend, “I think I like girls, which means I might be bisexual.” Why a year after that, I came out to my close friends as gay. Why I was finally like, dude, I’m not watching this for the acting, I’m watching it for her. But life is weird like that sometimes. Was I tired of pretending? I’d never felt like I was “living a lie”. Whatever the reason, I’d like to thank all these redheaded ladies, and the following non-redhead honorable mentions:

- a girl at my high school whose senior superlative lookalike was Kate Winslet - Meg from Hercules - Megan Mullally, proud bisexual who definitely made eye contact with me when I sat in the second row at her comedy tour - a girl in 5th grade who I thought was cool and pretty so I told everyone she was my sister and then a kid saw her in the hallway and was like “hey did you know that’s kcat’s big sister?” and the teacher was like “kcat you don’t have an older sister” and I was discovered for the lying fraud that I am

[anewbeginningagain]

My comments on the FDs: SD I stan it, very fun; CP a royal mess, why would they do it after there was a really strong flamenco FD last season, they're woefully mismatched in skill, I can't get behind them at all; MC nice but meh; GP I didn't even watch, I don't expect this partnership to last long; SF are phoning it in and I don't blame them, they won't even medal at Nationals this year; ME quite messy but a far better match than her previous partnership, still a lot of kinks to work out.

We are pretty much in agreement regarding the FDs, I did watch Green/Parsons and it was an ok FD though the style of their club is so apparent it’s an issue, I’m interested to hear why you don;t think they’d last - it is the age gap? the height difference? S/F seem like a really nice team but it does feel like they are very limited in terms of technical and performance abilities. M/E were messy especially considering they have had a relatively long time to get used to skating together, compare them to Green/Parsons who barely have 4-5 months of skating together and ironically M/E look like a newer team when they aren’t. Thank god the new skating season is coming.

[junker-town]

7 Valentine’s Day gift ideas for your favorite sports fan

Can’t think of anything for your sports-obsessed Valentine? Don’t worry, we’re here to help!

Sports love is in the air!

OK, so it’s a tiny bit early, but before we know it — after the Super Bowl, and before NBA All-Star weekend — Valentine’s Day will be here. If you haven’t started thinking about it yet, now’s the time to get a jump start on your Valentine’s shopping before you look up and it’s already February 14. Of course, you can (and should) send your Valentine flowers and chocolates, but at the end of the day, we all want a little extra something from our Valentine, right?

So, if you need some help finding fun gifts for the sports fan in your life, have no fear! We at SB Nation have you covered with a few ideas to get your Valentine’s Day shopping started.

Let’s do it.

For the significant other that’s become obsessed with Zion Williamson

I mean, who hasn’t? The Duke freshman phenom casually pulled out a 360-degree slam dunk in a game and made it look easy. He may not be around Durham for much longer, but this jersey will definitely hold long-term street cred.

Duke Basketball Store

Zion Williamson Nike Jersey for $89.99

Duke Basketball Store

Zion Williamson Nike Jersey - Black for $89.99

And if you’re thinking ahead about the possibility of Zion landing with the Knicks

Let’s be honest, everyone’s already talking about it. It would definitely be a bold Valentine’s gift — especially since the Knicks haven’t held the No. 1 pick since 1985 when they drafted Patrick Ewing — but one your Valentine would definitely enjoy, especially if this comes to fruition in June.

Fanatics

Knicks Nike Swingman Custom Jersey Blue - Icon Edition for $149.99

Or the Cavs

To put it lightly, things haven’t looked so great since LeBron left this summer to take his talents to L.A. So now, with the Cavs in full tank mode, this could be the perfect chance for your Valentine to get in on the Zion to Cleveland hype train a few months early.

Fanatics

Cavaliers Nike Swingman Custom Jersey Maroon - Icon Edition for $149.99

For the Red Sox fan in your life that wants juuuuust one more T-shirt or hoodie for the World Series hangover

You’re already a great Valentine if you put up with a Boston sports fan everyday (just kidding fam!), but with spring training kicking off in the next few weeks, give your Red Sox fan the gift of one last piece of World Series history to brag about before the new season starts.

BreakingT

Boston Champs T-shirt for $26

BreakingT

Priceless T-shirt for $26

Fanatics

Red Sox World Series Champs Tri-Blend T-shirt for $34.99

Fanatics

Damage Done Women’s Hoodie for $64.99

‘47

Damage Done ‘47 Clean Up Hat for $35

‘47

Red Sox World Series Champs ‘47 Clean Up Hat for $35

For the Valentine that has an ambitious book list to hit in 2019

Help them hit their goal with some great reads.

For the fitness fanatic in your life

If they don’t already have a fitness tracker, or perhaps are in the market for a new one, now’s a great time to turn their wish into a Valentine’s Day gift.

Amazon

Fitbit Charge 3 for $129.95

Amazon

Fitbit Versa for $179.95

Best Buy

Apple Watch Series 3 38mm GPS for $229

Best Buy

Apple Watch Series 3 38mm GPS + Cellular for $279

For the significant other that desperately needs a new winter cap

Not only is this an another opportunity for he or she to rep their favorite team on the commute to work, but it also saves them from the winter blizzards and sub-zero temperatures. That’s a winner.

Or the Valentine that drinks three cups of coffee every morning

It’s the little things that matter, like that go-to morning coffee cup that gets your Valentine’s Day started on the right note.

And for the significant other that can’t keep his or her phone from cracking

Solve two problems with one stone. Get your Valentine an Otterbox iPhone case and give them another chance to show off their fandom whenever they whip out their phone. That’s what true love is all about.

Looking for more product reviews, shopping guides, and good deals on sports merchandise and apparel? Check out our Buy Stuff section.