#ok thats enough for now ive got things ot do

[grymmnox]

weekly fic recs #10

gonna act like i posted this yesterday. this one is longer than the previous 2, somehow, despite me having less free time.

& = platonic, / = romantic

Oneshots

Silk On The Rafters; HickorySwallowedTheSun - bungo stray dogs

not rated | 8.8k words | chuuya/dazai, akutagawa/atsushi, akutagawa & chuuya, atsushi & chuuya | READ TAGS

summary:

"Fine," the shorter huffs, yanking the next dress from the rack and flopping it over the growing stack on his arm with admittedly less grace. "Fucking fine, Dazai, I'll pick your stupid outfit is that what you want? Good dogs," Chuuya bites back, the hatred clear on his tongue as it falls to the dresses in his arm, to the man refusing to face him. "use their fucking words."

Or

Dazai, Chuuya, Atsushi, Akutagawa, wandering through a department store

rock bottom; starquilled - bungo stray dogs

mature | 6.1k words | chuuya/dazai, chuuya & dazai, dazai & mori, dazai & oda | READ TAGS

summary:

Three times Chuuya tried showing kindness to Dazai, and one time nobody could.

Or: a study on Dazai through the years, his interactions with the people around him, and the unwavering persistence of his depression.

Promises; archerwrites - bungo stray dogs

teen and up | 3.1k words | chuuya/dazai

summary:

“Chibi?”

A lazy hum was all Dazai got in response—attesting to the exhaustion weighing down heavy on their bones.

“When I die, will you write my eulogy?”

Or, a simple question after a long mission turns the night into a rollercoaster of emotions.

bloom; soupthatistoohot - bungo stray dogs

teen and up | 2.2k words | chuuya/dazai

summary:

“You know I love you regardless of the grand gestures, right?” Dazai tries and fails to not let his smile falter. “And I know you love me,” Chuuya continues insistently, “I don’t need flowers and dinners and wine to spell it out, just you being here is enough.”

Dazai has been caught.

Instinctively, he steps back from Chuuya’s grasp, a frown pulling at Dazai’s lips. His brows draw together, staring at his boyfriend like it will answer everything. It’s one of those rare moments where Chuuya has seen him look confused. Lost.

Or

Chuuya helps Dazai learn that there's no formula to loving.

Prey and predator.; fish_writes_words_and_stuffs - bungo stray dogs

not rated | 5.8k words | dazai & oda, dazai & mori, chuuya & dazai | READ TAGS

summary:

He accepts that Dazai wasn’t trying to commit suicide in front of Oda. He was just trying to commit suicide.

--

Or, it's Dazai's birthday and he's thinking about a lot of things. CWs in the tags!

Playing Favorites; fish_writes_words_and_stuffs - bungo stray dogs

teen and up | 8.8k words | chuuya/dazai, atsushi & dazai | READ TAGS

summary:

Dazai was in the bathroom. He’s been in the bathroom. The lights are off. They’ve been off. He never turned them on. -- Or, Chuuya and Atsushi learn something Dazai has tried his best to forget. Second work in my Dazai-centric one-shots (can be read out of order) Please mind the tags for content warnings!

Tragedy and fortune; athenaistired - bungo stray dogs

mature | 13k words | chuuya/dazai | READ TAGS

summary:

"Dazai-kun, sometimes I look at you and wonder.. how can such small body like yours be capable of hosting this much anger within?" Mori’s question stunned him into silence, even though he didn’t let it show.

Chuuya was an aggressive person. He looked annoying, childish, and stupid majority of the time. Why would Mori ever compare him to someone like that? Dazai knew himself. He was cold and calculating, and he was nothing — absolutely nothing — like Nakahara Chuuya.

Sugar-coated mind; athenaistired - bungo stray dogs

mature | 10.7k words | ADA & dazai, chuuya/dazai | READ TAGS

summary:

"Oi, Dazai! What the hell is taking you so long?!"

"Kunikida-kun, move. Something bad happened in there." That was a new voice that belonged to Rampo-san, "I think Dazai just now seriously hurt himself." At the recognition of the situation that he was in, brunet instantly paled and looked down at his bloodied hand with a knife.

Evil does not sleep; athenaistired - bungo stray dogs

mature | 7.7k words | ADA & dazai, dazai & yosano | READ TAGS

summary:

“There’s something in here..” He mumbled sleepily, “Yosano.. I’m so tired.” Completely dropping the ‘sensei’ honorific that he loved to tease her with instantly made red alarms ring in her head, “I want to sleep.. I really want to sleep.. I’m so tired..”

Men who kill other men don't sleep.

Black tea; athenaistired - bungo stray dogs

teen and up | 5.1k words | ADA & dazai, dazai & fukuzawa

summary:

“Dazai, go home. Whatever it is that you have, others don’t need to catch it. If you can’t think about your own well-being, then think about others.”

Dazai did not even realize that he didn't feel good.

Complete Fics

Pride and Prejudice; amabe - bungo stray dogs

not rated | 15 chapters | 32.2k words | chuuya/dazai | READ TAGS

summary:

“No fucking suicidal ideation right now.” He spat. Dazai blinked up at his with those big chocolate eyes, sending waves of irritation down Chuuya’s body.

“Aww, and here I was thinking it would make such a good story.”

“What the fuck did I expect.” At this point, Dazai was weighing the possibilities. Atsushi and the others didn’t need either of them to get the children to Ango. The Port Mafia side would already be collecting the drugs from other warehouses and taking care of the stragglers.

He tipped forward on his toes, crashing his lips into the spirited man’s. He felt Chuuya tense and, a few seconds later, a punch crushed his jaw. The pain blossomed, like a low throb in the back of his head. There was blood on his lips either from where the little shrimp had bitten him or the cut on the inside of his cheek.

It didn't matter. Dazai would get him back.

Yes, its bodyswap soukoku. Yes, expect angst, fun, and an emotional bender between Dazai and Chuuya as they come to find each other again.

Incomplete Fics

Do Not Wake Me; amabe - bungo stray dogs

not rated | 19/? chapters | 69.9k words | chuuya/dazai, poe/ranpo, akutagawa/atsushi | READ TAGS

summary:

With a loud pop, the light disappeared and Atsushi rushed forth screaming “Dazai-san!”

He didn’t expect to meet one cold amber eye, almost red in the light, and the barrel of a gun pointed at his forehead.

The man, no boy. He couldn’t be older than Atsushi himself stared back at him. The familiar bandages wove around his eye obscuring more of the boy’s body than Atsushi was used to. A grin was placed on his lips, and Atsushi noticed how similar he was dressed to a certain man with an unfortunate haircut. An all-black suit with a clearly oversized jacket hung off the boy's slim frame.

“Well, well, who do we have here? Tora? How cute,” the boy sang.

How will the ADA deal with Dark Era Dazai? Planning this to be a longer fic so get your popcorn ready

*set in the same universe as Pride and Prejudice*

you say christmas surprise, I say you fucked up the whole holiday; notideal - bungo stray dogs

not rated | 5/? chapters | 14k words | chuuya/dazai

summary:

“This is stupid.” Yuan looked very uncomfortable, shifting awkwardly on her feet.

“You’re being dumb,” Shirase agreed, watching Chuuya pull his suitcase from the backseat.

“You’re gonna get kidnapped,” Yuan rung her hands together.

“And we won’t come to retrieve the body,” Shirase nodded, tucking his hands into his pockets.

“I’m probably not gonna die, I literally know martial arts – and I know Dazai. I’ve been talking to him for weeks. I’ve sent you his photo, I’ve sent you his address-–”

The photo in question was the one with a spoon on his head – dyed red hair messy, bandage over his nose, the prettiest eye shape Chuuya had seen. It was odd to think that someone that good-looking would be single – but he was, and they’d been talking for weeks. He was definitely real.

...

Chuuya decides to surprise his long-distance boyfriend for Christmas...by showing up on his doorstep.

Dazai Osamu is definitely not the same guy from the pictures.

tomorrow’s a wish away; Seito - bungo stray dogs

teen and up | 2/? chapters | 4.2k words | atsushi & dazai, dazai & oda

summary:

“I’m fine,” Ango said, as he took a large gulp, emptying half of his glass. “I just needed some liquid courage.”

Dazai perked up, sensing a secret about to be told. What could it be? Maybe Ango had found a girlfriend?! Or he won a gift card to an all you can eat seafood buffet!

He grinned, raising his glass in preparation of a toast. “For what?” he asked.

Ango took a deep breath, looking at both Dazai and Odasaku with a serious expression. “I am a spy for the Special Division for Unusual Powers.”

Dazai’s glass slipped out of his hand, falling.

“What?” Odasaku said.

Family (or something); little_coffins - bsd/mha fusion

mature | 12/? chapters | 41.1k words | aizawa & dazai, aizawa/hizashi, aizawa & hizashi, ango & dazai & oda, dazai & mori, ango & dazai, dazai & elise | READ TAGS

summary:

Story excerpt: "... That's why I don't want to live in this world. Nothing but bad things happen, everyone will be miserable or painfully ignorant of their misery." He had a bland look on his face, and it reminded him of the first time he laid eyes on the boy, nearly three years earlier, only eight years old but caught in a deadly silence born of the fear of being heard and punished for speaking, existing. So faraway and put out.

▪︎▪︎▪︎

After interfering with a Port Mafia conflict, Aizawa is given the choice of possibly becoming the caretaker of the rather difficult to handle, recent ex-mafioso Dazai Osamu.

Local trash dad adopts not very local suicide son? Yes.

Idiosyncracy; little_coffins - bsd/mcu fusion

explicit | 31/? chapters | 90.5k words | matt murdock & franklin nelson & karen page & peter parker, frank castle & matt murdock, dazai & mori, dazai & oda, matt murdock & franklin nelson & karen page, frank castle & wade wilson, jack hammer & wade wilson, jessica jones & peter parker | READ TAGS

summary:

Frank doesn't kill kids. This teen is really making him reconsider this exception, though.

(Or at least that's what he wants to tell himself. He thinks he's mostly concerned.)

grim’s notes: i’m not in the mcu fandom, like, at all, (part of the reason i was more thorough than usual when listing relationships; i don’t know how characters are commonly recognized in the fandom) but this was still quite the enjoyable fic! just have to have some degree of understanding of who the characters are and what they do but even then it’s rather easy to know what’s going on.

Anything But Lonely; Mafia_Angel091 - mha/atla fusion

mature | 59/? chapters | 156.6k words | dabi/hawks, bakugou/midoriya/todoroki, dabi & todoroki, aizawa/hizashi, aizawa & class 1-a, aizawa & eri, eri & shinsou, kaminari/shinsou, aizawa & toph, bakugou & toph, sokka/toph | READ TAGS

summary:

Dabi was a villain. A high ranking villain, thank you. A high ranking villain that wants to be left alone. So how the ever, flying fuck did he wind up with an apprentice?

Also known as: Dabi and Toph met by pure chance. An S ranked villain that just wants to eat his dinner in peace (and bring Endeavour to ruin in the long run). A tiny runaway who aims to be the Greatest Earth Bender in the world, politics be damned. He certainly doesn't give a shit about some over confident, snot nosed brat. She doesn't give two shits what he thinks. The two of them have made it this far on their own strength, their own determination.

Funny how things can change with a simple decision.

[jellyaibo]

i want to hear ur thoughts abt object terror, you philosophor

so disclaimer i havent seen OT in fucking months so this insane ramble isnt gna be. the best but

object terror is one of the best worst fucking object shows ive ever seen, literally the PRIME example of some edgy kid trying to make an object show that isnt ur grandmas object show. no. this is the REAL shit and they say SLURS and theres BLOOD and GORE (yes im serious theres blood and gore and death but itsnot that bad, definitely a bit shocking if u didnt expect it to happen tho)

theres also shitty voice acting and terrible mic quality galore, EX: theres a fucking cup that had this dogshit mic for the longest fucking time and it deadass sounded like bro was talking into a washing machine ohmy god, i remember there was a clip of him going around on twitter a while ago cuz of this (i think that was my first time seeing anything from OT too so theres that)

OH and theres cactus, i barely remember anything abt him but he had this fucking emotionless voice that made me HYSTERICAL. there was a scene where someone got him pissed and he said "you take that back" with. absolutely no emotion at all and since then me and my friends keep fucking quoting that line cuz its the funniest fucking shit ever

btw that slur line i said earlier wasnt a joke, one of the characters straight up drops the R SLUR in the FIRST EPISODE (funnily enough, that character became the creators objectsona i think? ik they kinda used him as a mascot for a bit which is so fucking funny) tho i dont think they drop anymore slurs after that but dont take my word on it

anyways i gotta talk abt my favorite fucking part abt this fucking show before i get to. mint

THESE FUCKING CUNTS.

before i watched object terror i got fucking warned abt these two because there was a . homophobic scene w them or some shit and i had NO idea what it was for the longest time so i was really excited to see what object homophobia was gna be graced upon my faggotly eyes

and then theyjust. started making out randomly. LIKE OUTTA NOWHERE and there were other characters there that were gna try to attack/kill them? but then they saw them kissing and were like omg ewww boys (i think. the stuff that happens after this scene is kinda blurry tbh and im NOT gonna go back and watch the clip to see what happens ok. i REFUSE) and im sorry but thats the best fucking object show scene ever

AND LIKE? IDK? MAYBE ITS JUST ME BUT I DONT GET WHY I SAW PPL SAY THIS WAS HOMOPHOBIC???? i dunno maybe its just me but like these two just kissed while watching tv and eating chicken AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO THEM!!! THEY LITERALLY WON IMMUNITY BY THE END OF THE EPISODE TOO. THEY WON. THE GAYS WON. and its so fucking funny to me bro object terror LOVES the gays

ok now i need to talk about mint im sorry i hate this fucking thing so much I NEED TO KILL HIM WITH A ROCK!!!! FFFUCK!!

hes literally just taco ii but 100x worse, i dont even like tacos evil arc or whatever cuz i always found her annoying BUT MINT IS SO MUCH WORSE

never in my. almost 2 years of watching object shows have i ever hated a character so fucking much LIKE GENUINELY THIS THING MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED. hes just that. lol XD random character FOR THE WHOLE SERIES. just annoying and loud and does literally fucking nothing AND THE JOKES W HIM ARE SO FORCED I SWEAR THEY STOPPED . EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON IN AN EPISODE JUST TO FOCUS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKER CUZ HE WAS GONNA DO SOMETHING FUNNY. im not mad that im missing out on some "juicy" object terror "lore" im just pissed that i have to see this fucking disgrace on my screen

oh and in the latest episode (as of now, the series isnt actually finished yet and i hope to god it never gets continued) SUDDENLY mint has a fucking arc THAT WAS NEVER FORESHADOWED AT ALL IN THE SERIES!! SO SUDDENLY HES A SMART GENIUS THAT COULD DO ANYTHING CUZ HE HAS MACHINES N SHIT AND A WHOLE ASS LABORATORY ??????? THEN HE FUCKING DIES

do you know how many fucking. mid and uninteresting characters we had to lose for him

DO YOU KNOW THE LOSSES I HAD TO DEAL WITH CUZ OF HIM

he lived for too fuckig long in this show dammit it pisses me off that he's even a character that exists . i blame him for being the reason why i hate joke characters (except david ily david bfdi)

i dont wanna talk abt him anymore im gonna

OK OK BUT. 1 more thing. smore

smore is this guy that they introduced later on in the series and hes a FUCKING. DEMON FROM HELL and i need him so bad actually

i think at some point he tries to . kill mint too so im literaly making out with him rn oh my god HES SO

im so mad hes in object terror IM GETTING YOU OUTTA THERE BABY ‼ ‼ 🗣🗣

honestly tho he was so cool im a little mad that they introduced him so late into the show CUZ WE ONLY SEE HIM FOR LIKE 2 EPISODES GRAHHHH RAAGHHHH babygirl

anyways thats it i feel like theres more but im not gonna wring out any more object terror knowledge from my brain i think that'll kill me

hope u enjoyed my insanity anon heres a loser . hope this heals you

[shadymultiverse]

I remember laying on my bed in highschool, sophomore year. I was exhausted. I had reached the point where every person id managed to scrape out of the hell hole that is middle education had turned against me. Rumors, as they do, flooded my small community. Things like lesbianism and sluttery being the least of it and incest and beastiality the worst. Theu were also convinced I was either possessed or the spawn of hell, which remains to be a point of pride for me.

My delicait social circle had collapsed under the strain of one thing, teenage hormones. Not my own, but that of my brother and his girlfriend, the girl coming from my group of friends. Their relationship had been incredibly toxic, but as Im realizing, everyone who comes into contact with my brother experiences the same kind of manipulation and fear. Not that she was innocent, none of them were. Ive always known a bad person when i meet one, but I also have the fatal flaw that cruelty and misguided affection will always taste like home to me.

They were the school bullies, though I would have shot you if youd said it at the time. I suppose by extention I was probably a bully, though I dont remember being one. It just explains why there was not a soul to catch me when I fell. There nnever was, not once in my entire life has someone actually caught me when I needed it, so its not like K was suprised.

'Oh but you were' My mind so helpfully supplies. I always viewed myself as kind. Sweet. Loving, even.

Yet there I was laid across my bed, too tired to get up, too tired to cry. It was after an episode from my brother.

It stands to reason I should describe him, he was not a small man. No. He stood at 6'1 back then, a weight lifter through highschool, he was a physically imposing person. Being the malnurished, overweight, gaslighted and generally abused little girl that I was, I was never any match for him. I had one fought against him, and my sister- who was always thin as a fuse and leading to something dangerous- but it was always them that were rewarded and I who was punished. My mother, who I struggle to speak ill of even now, was an enabler. She refused to see the cruelty that my siblings put me through as anything other than normal, but any kind of defense that I levied for myself was something of an act against the pure, Goddly love that was my siblings.

Now Ive realized that it was just too much for her to bare, too much for her to understand. She is a very fragile woman for how strong she is. She knew that as long as I was taking their abuse, she wouldnt have to think about it. She didnt want me to get better.

That said at that point my sister was long gone. It was just me and my brother.

He was in the bedroom next to mine. A trailer, so any sound or move I made was hyperly monitored. I was too tired to do much more than breathe and even that was a fete. He must not have been satisfied by that because his door opened and then so did mine. He stared at me, I looked in his dirrection, at his eyes. He was still angry. This was the fifth or sixth day in a row that hed chased me ariund the house, screaming at me and cornering me. He hit me all the time, always in the same spot over and over so that it wouldnt look like Id been beaten, but I was being beaten.

I remember thinking how much I was struggling. In everything. My school work, my home life, my social life, everything.

He told me to make him something to eat. I told him no.

I almost always did. I hated the way that he spoke to me, hated that I was nothing more than a slave.

I didnt have the energy tk try to fight or get up or get out of the way but he jumped on top of me and wrapped his fingers around my throat.

I remember thinking 'I just wanna go. Let me go, please just let me go' I didnt realize it at the time but I was praying that he would kill me. I was so tired....

He would put his knees on top of your hands and sit in your chest, then squeeze your throat just hard enough to not actually bruise. Cut off the circulation but ot actually kill me. Its this strange in realm between pain and peace.

This time, however, he was squeezing so hard I thought my head might pop. His eyes told me he wanted me to die. Truly intended to finally end the charade that was my life. I wasnt scared. Just tired. Ready.

I was almost gone when something changed. I was there, floating up put of my body and his face felt slack, his eyes lost their psychotic glint and he let go. He got off of me and left the house. I can still feel the gasp that tore through my lungs. If yoive ever blown up a baloon and held it against your hand to feel the way it sticks to your skin then you know whay it feels like to breathe into empty lungs.

Its most painful part of being choked

Strangely enough, I started thinking about what I should do with my life. If he wouldnt do me the kindness of finishing the job, then I needed to plan how I was going to escape.

I was tired though, and the one thing i jad always wanted seemed absolutely impossible to attain. Brain Surgeon.

I could barely pull myself through a day in highschool, the idea of two decades of college was impossible to imagine. I decided I needed to do soemthing else. Something...easy. I had earned easy, hadnt I?

It was Tom Hiddleston that made me decided I should go into theater. Ironic, since it was earlier that same year that I had been in theater, had auditioned for a monolouge and a duet for our state competition, gotten it, only to have it ripped away because I wasnt good enough. Ive always had trouble commiting to things like afterschool practice. Though, maybe ita because out practices were just delaying the inevitable abuse Id be put through at home. I only ever wnated to sleep, to stay after shcool for three hours and practice was like eating broken glass before going home to drink rubbing alcohol.

But Theater was the way to go. I liked acting, I preferred make up and set design. That way, maybe Id get to meet Tom Hiddleston. Silly, looking back. What a way to decidee the fate of my life.

He seemed caring, you see. Like he wouldnt let anyone hurt me. Not even in a husbandry kind of way, just in the human way.

He would see whay was happening and say 'This isnt ok'. He didnt have to rescue me or anything. He would just understand.

By extention, the world would see me, delight in me, applaud me.

So I started focussing on this fantasy of becoming famous.

At every turn the rug was yanked out from under me. Every time i got a line or a song or something that I craved, it was taken away before it could ever be preformed.

Just like my home life, I kept being told that I did not matter. I didnt deserve to feel anything but disapointment and anguish.

Maybe thats why Ive run away from every job that Ive ever had.

[loststormtrooper]

Ive been slowly reading the Splinter Cell books and im almost finished the third one and I have complaints

Spoiler warning I guess for books that are over 10 years old if anyone cares about them.

So the first book was great. They got one of the bond writers to do it and it was so good. Splinter Cells identities have been leaked and Sam Fishers life is at stake throughout the whole thing because for the first time ever, the enemy know who he is. His chapters are in first person which makes everything feel so much more personal. All the other chapters following other characters are in third which gives this nice cutscene kind of feeling that games have when they show something your character wouldnt know. Its a book series based on a game, it just felt right. Sam's daughter gets kidnapped because The Shop (big bad weappns company) wants to stop Third Echelon from getting in the way of their sales and Sam is the one who is trying to stop them and stop them from doing deals with The Shadows which are trying to get the US out of the middle east so their country can take over another. Fisher ends up disrupting these deals and saves his daughter. But like, how it goes is so well. Sams daughter gets invited overseas with her friend and they both ger drugged and kidnapped by someone they thought was their friend! The stakes are high af because they killed off the friend and are going to kill Sams daughter and him if he cant stop all this stuff from happening. And theres the whole war nuclear weapon deals going on that he also has to stop. So good.

Anna Grimsdotir isnt present in this book because they need wiggle room for the next book and shes replaced with Carly who is also an analyst. Theres this nice tight nit friendship between Sams team at Third Echelon with Lambert, Carly, Sam, and and Mike that sets things up for the next book. Also Sams Grav Maga teacher, they flirt a bit, nice side story which leads into the next book. Pretty much everything leads into the next book because even though Sam defeated The Shadows, The Shop is still a major weapons dealer and have the identities of other Splinter Cells and needs to be stopped.

So next book, Operation Barracuda. Sam and his team need to find out who leaked the Splinter Cells information and stop The Shop. Uh oh! It was Mike and he had to kill Carly IN THE THIRD ECHELON OFFICE because she was about to figure out it was him and he escapes and the Triad offer to get him out of the country, he just has to get to the right place and theyll fly him out. Good setup for these cat and mouse chapters where and FBI agent is trying to keep up with Mike. Also Mike was actually planted in Third Echelon years ago and he and his brother have deals with the Triad to sell stuff which The Shop does t like because theure supposed to sell things to them and then they sell to the Triad.

All of these bad guys have one goal though. Theyre dealing with a rogue chinese general that wants to invade Hong Kong. So theres all this infighting and build up to when people, even the bad guys, start to figure more stuff about the other groups. The Triad, being in Hong Kong, dont want to be invaded, but the deals theyve done with bad guy general have provided him with a nuckear submarine that he threatens to detonate on the US coast unless they withdraw from Taiwan.

During all of this that krav maga teacher and Sam have had a few dates and are at Sams place. But when they are walking down the street she is gunned down and Sam is forced to leave her dead body on the street with people around because he cant risk being having anyone looking into who he is, even local police and government because he is in a secret agency. Amazing side story. It's a lot like the side stuff with his daughter in the first book, it gives him more motive outside of it just being a job, these people have killed 2 of his friends, one of which he was really into.

Back to bad guy stuff. FBI guy gets killed by Mikes brother after he goes into a shady place to arrest him. The triad are already there and hes just dead now. But he did arrest Mike so they got info from him which leads same to the Triad. In a pretty cool turn of events the general invades but theres no one to stop him! Oh wait! The Triad takes arms and fights off his army and its rad. Sam had gone into that shady building (just remembered its a night club) and gave them information about the generals attack and then left. It was a different chapter because he wasnt being stealthy, he just walked in and demanded to speak to people and it worked. When all this general vs Triad stuff is happening, Sam is dealing with The Shop. The general is defeated, the leak for the Splinter Cell information is in custody, and The Shop is finally shut down!

Next book... set before the first and has a new writer. All of it is in third person and it doesnt feel like the first for obvious reasons. Theres a handful of spelling errors spread throughout which really take you out of it because now youre thinking about this spelling error.

Starts with Sam having to sneak onto a ship thats going to crash onto the US coast and its packed with radioactive material or bombs? It wasnt clear to me. But he stops it and gets out. Its a pretty one track story whereas the other two books had a handful of stuff going on and it all worked neatly. Third Echelon need to know where the nuclear stuff came from to know who did it. He sneaks back on the ship which is under quarantine and takes a sample or something? There was something about having to get engine manufactuing codes to find out where the ship had done repairs and see where it came from but that branching plot just ends later in the book when Lambert says that his analysts found out where it was from. Sam need to find out where nuclear stuff came from. For reasons i cant remember because nothing in this book is worth remembering half the time, Sam has to go to Chernobyl to collect radiated material to see if they match. Thats not the unmemorable part, how they decided to go there to find it specifically is. Anyway, its a match and they figure out who did it and why by knowing who made the ship and how they got the nuclear material. The whole Chernobyl bit could have been better. It didnt feel like anything was at stake. And there was this awkward side story with a woman who helped him get into the dangerous areas unnoticed where theyd flirt and nothing would come of it and then theres nothing else about her ever again.

Then theres all this stuff of Sam infiltrating other places which leads him to another place which leads him to another place. Its very linear and theres a few chapters where he sneaks into a private island thats impossible to sneak onto but he does and it doesnt feel like anything is at stake. The whole book is about having to find out who did this one almost bombing and poisoned a whole towns water supply with radiated material, making it a wasteland, before the US declares war on the wrong nation for ot. But every time they get more information, they suddenly have more time and need to hurry, but then they do that and get more time but need to hurry! At one point they mention the president will declare war in 24 hours and im pretty sure its been like 4 days since then and nothing.

Also! Theres this terrible character cliche guy i hate. There's like 5 chapters spread out through the book where its this weird guy who is clearly the villain ( not bad guy or terrorist, hes just a bad villain) that talks all fancy and as if hes got this grand plan happening and keeps talking about chess and imagining chess moves after he gets new information. Its annoying and i hate him. Get a new character. It doesnt even have to be him, use one of the heads of the bad guy groups that are already established, god. I've got 6 chapters to go and Sam doesnt even know about that chess bad guy yet.

Tbh im considering skipping the next book because its the same writer and the Conviction books and Blacklist book are written by other people. It hasnt been release who i dont think though. Its all a pseudonym.

So i just finished Splinter Cell Checkmate. Its 2 days after i wrote that whole thing and it gets way better in the last 5 chapters. It was much more fast paced and actiony. The rest of the book was slow and not that interesting. There was a bit that brought back a character from earlier who was shot in the head but the bullet hit ar a weird angle and he was left to die. Sam found him and theres this nice calm part of the chapter of Sam trying to get him out without making his wound worse but he wasnt fast enough and he dies. Then Sam finally gets the location of the annoying chess bad guy with some information from now dead guy. It literally ended with Sam saying "...checkmate " to him which fealt really forced... they never met until now and Sam onlt mentioned chess once in the whole book besides that. I think he played it with a friend for a paragraph while they chatted. Epilogue was ok too. The woman who helped him into Chernobyl was in a wax museume and Sam rocks up with a passport for her to get out and fly back to the US with him. Was weird. They flirted maybe twice halfway through the book and then he rocks up with that. She didnt even know his name until the epilogue because he used an alias.

Anyway, first two books are great, third was super slow but ended ok.

[virtuissimo]

pardon me for using my blog for its intended purpose, but I’ve gota talk about my life insecurities and the pathetic reality of my ongoing existence

if ur prone to thinking badly of ppl for having social difficulties maybe dont read lol

if uv talked to me more than a few times then u kno already tbh i sound like a broken record but I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS im so fucking mad about it, why is this so hard for me???

people say that you have to go to clubs,  but honestly thats realy not enough advice for me because Findng People is not the issue, in fact i have been in several places where by all means i shuold have found someone to be friends with, but even if i do force myself to talk to people and be sociable and say uuh things and even if i do succeed in being funny and likeable (which is far from the norm and my self esteem takes a huge hit every time i exit a social situation having flopped & yes i am overly judgmental of myself but the fact that i dont got friends is proof that maybe there is some truth to it) , nothing ever comes of it!

and like i know this is a pattern with me, where ill try to do something consistently for a semester and then when i see no evidence of progress i give up. same thing happened when i decided to stick to a consistent exercise routine. i didnt feel any better, i didnt look any different, my health didnt improve, my body didnt even get any stronger my bodys limit on weight and time remained the same from beginning to end, all i felt was tired, sore, and depressed. i felt a little proud of myself for having stuck to it for that long (4-5 months? honetsly an accomplishment for me) but at the first excuse i could find i broke routine and was never able to get back on.

and honestly. same thing happened with that club. i went to almost every QTPOCA community meeting for one semester, but i just! couldnt! make!! friends!! a few people talked to me i think?? one girl named Cassie who i saw once and never again..augustine talked to me and i was really happy about that...they were very friendly and i like talking to them but i dont think our personalities mesh very well for us to be close, we also dont have any real shared interests and i dont think they particularly have fun in my company.

but other than those two people, thats it.... the meetings themselves are very different from what i expected, its absolutely not an environment conducive to my very uuh specific needs.

How did  i make friends before?? i had friends in high school. or at least i thought i did. i guess thats why im not still friends with most of them. i never really went out to movies or to their houses or to get lunch or even had most of their phone numbers, & even those whose # i do have i never really USED them. maybe its cuz i didnt get a phone until high school. maybe its cuz my parents are workaholics AND overprotective and made it too much of a hassle to ask permission to go everwhere. maybe people only rly liked me for school work purposes. maybe im just too obedient and never snuck out. maybe im just too close to my sister and never felt the need for social interaction outside of school because i had her. maybe im just making a whole lot of excuses for what ultimately is an inability to interact with other people. 

& its not like im not good at talking. im pretty quick and uuh quippy ig like i can say some off the wall shit, that just all goes out the window when im talking to strangers. idk. i can make phonecalls now, but only if i script out what im going to say in writing bcause even if i mentally script, by the time the other person picks up the phone my mind just goes blank.

i think its a part of my horrible personality maybe. like maybe i can only be in my element when i feel like i have power. my small high school & my ugly superiority complex made it easier for me to think of myself as better than p much all my peers maybe? but maybe its not that easy to do that in college since EVERYONE here got to college somehow (despite some of them actualy being dumb as fuck)? maybe?? idk if thats the case i gota change that personality quick cuz thats no way to live life. just the way im talking about it now makes it seem like maybe its not that but idk i think in actuality im a lot more egotistical than i come across as. which may or may not be saying something idk self awareness is hard.

probably also got something to do with the fact that i moved to texas away from the rest of my family & my parents work too much to make rfriends ot their own (and neither of my parents are very social people to begin with) so i never had adult social interactions modeled for me in a way that integrates friendships into ones life. thats probably just an excuse tho.

anyways. im really sick of not fitting in anywhere. im sick of not knowing anyone. im sick of being lonely all the time and feeling unlovable . and iv got like 2 friends on the internet that i rly talk to but we all know it aint the same & the MOMENT theyve busy i feel soooo fuckin lonelyyyyy

also FUCK another thing is that i am no ones priority, that shit SUCKS idk if im emotionally built for casual friendships cuz i care about all my friends so fucking much...i dont even gota be a best friend i just gota be ...important to someone lmfao maybe thast too much to ask fori know im just 21 but it rly feels like everyone already has their friends and thats that, and the worst part is that i could have made friends but i wasted all of college uuuh idk doing school or whatever LMFAO ok but other ppl can figure out how to have an active social life while doing decent in school why couldnt i do that...

whatever. if i die alone i die alone , nothin to be done about that. just gota put my best foot forward i guess. maybe learn to settle a little more. put more effort into things that arent worth it because id rather have something rancid than nothing at all.

[lokbobpop]

Forgive

transitive verb. 1 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon forgive one's enemies. 2a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital (see requital sense 1) for forgive an insult. b : to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt.

Forgive” never meant “untie.” The root of “forgive” is the Latin word “perdonare,” meaning “to give completely, without reservation.” (That “perdonare” is also the source of our English “pardon

Forgive for give forge ive for gave for g ive

Writing forgive

I have written this word a million times it feels but of cause i haven’t it just feels that lets say one thousand within my process to life as this is how it is said. ‘I forgive myself for allowing and accepting’ this is it this has changed my whole life as it were by forgiving myself many many times ive actually let go of what it is that has been keeping me down it wa s only myself anchoring me down im pulling up the weight the mind has give me to carry to the burdens i think are real but never was real to be able to let them go so i cant live life fully.

Reading forgive

I first came to know about forgiving myself was after a book i read by a don someone it said to write out al you want to forgive about yourself or another so i did i went under my favorite tree when had now been bulldozes down and lent up against it and write then all out one by one and yes after the were all done i was great i felt lighter better but it wasnt until i found Desteni i really found out what self forgiveness could really do for me it has changed my life it has given me the opportunity to live this life to be the best life i could have to be happy to not be weighed by my mind every little even means something like the bus ride home just now where i old guy was angry at me for not wearing my mask properly so I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the anger to come up with me today on the bus when an elderly man got upset at me for not wearing my mask properly i see now his fear of catching covid was very valid and my refusal was just out of my ego being knocked by i guy i felt had no right to speak to me in that manor and not realizing how selfish and spiteful i was being by not obeying his right to be scared of me with having my mask down low and all my being upset was just ego of how dare you do that to me like who do you think you are talking to me this white women and you are just some old guy you don’t even know me came up within me which is to totally unacceptable i see realize and understand now that i should respect others whether its in fear or not this is there right and i have no place to put them or another in danger.

I think I definitely dont forgive enough i should definitely forgive myself much more than i do its like ok ive go this I understand what i have done wrong so i don’t need to forgive it but i do it just ends the problem better by forgiving it should i say.

How it has been hard to forgive some people like my alcoholic father ive been hanging on to not forgiving him like i think or should i say feel that as i dont do it he will be punished in some why but its not him at all being punished it me punishing myself only by even doing this he has nothing ot to with my hate for him he’s fine where ever he is in life its only me with the problem he’s Scott free as it were lol im missing the point of of freeing myself from him and what he did to me i missing me in this and only see in its him and my blame my blame doesnt hurt him at all no but it hurts me yes it hurts me big time so I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the blame to com up within towards my father for who the was as a parent to wards me and how i blame him for the way i feel now and for many years that the was a bad father yes he was a bad father but who i am within that is whats that matters so im forgiving myself for carrying blame towards him for what i feel he did to my childhood because i did see realize and understand i am exactly the same as him angry pissed off with life and that all i need to have done was take my own responsibility for my own thoughts and feeling towards him to heal me because thats all that is left is thoughts nothing real just thoughts of the past which need not affect me now in any way what so ever.

Well I think i could spend days writing out self forgiveness hey yes maybe i could do a self forgiveness day or just do more as i go along i think this would be better idea.

To forgive is to release your self from yourself your mind which you have come to believe is you

A what i called a mean girl just came to mind she was angry and I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the fear and revenge i have for her and towards her to come up within me as an energy that is is nt real that really i do love her and i see that she is in anger just like me and we were stuck in anger energy I forgive my fear towards her and revenge i held against her.

I forgive myself of so many things in my life all the trial and tribulations i have had that i have inflected to my physical over and over again that i feel sometimes despot works and i can’t see myself heal and think shit why am i not getting better a;l that has got better is one growth under my eye and wanting more things to so within me to feel normal heathy me I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the disappointment within myself right now that ive not done better and have judged myself to be still back of the pack within comparison to others within process that i want I stand gratification as most do now without seeing i need to clear pathways within me to move better and that i am getting there i am doing it and its ok where i am as this is where i am meant to be right here.

Saying forgive

There’s this warmth from the word within me like i forgive me im sorry for what i do and i will learn from what i ahve done wrong to be a the best version of me yes this is a process and im in it.

The thought of having ot forgive people i dont want to forgive because i think they deserve my anger but they no nothing of my anger they feel nothing of my anger so its only myself that suffers hey so why do i do this to myself why would I punish myself when i havent done anything wrong its fucking nuts to even think i do that lol

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting to feel down in the dumps right now to see myself as not good enough and putting myself down with my process i will get there i will do this this is but the mind this is not me I couldn’t possibly ever get down this would be a complete impossibility for me as my real self doesn do this get down so it has to be the mind then bringing in a poor me lol Yep hell o mind i will find you hunt you down a kill you lol.

Sf

Does this definition support me no and yes a bit of both going on here i could definitely do better than i am doing with my self forgiveness and see where i am living in the mind more often but the more i do the more i will heel im sure of this i need to apply myself and just keep doing it :) go girl

Forgive to give

Forgive

To release my from my mind to be able to live my best life ever

To release mechanism the keys to my upmost freedom and to help others see there potential within themselves.

I will and do use this word to live the best possible life in this my last life on this earth in my physical

[beebosbitchh]

1-65 ;)

holy heck ! thank you sophiw i lov u 🍒

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

i dont understand this question?? like sometimes i doubt my own existence and other times i doubt that i exist to certain ppl? ya?

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2,, normal amount? like good for sleep but pitch black is scaryy but not to the point i need the escape ?? if that makes sense??

3. The person you would never want to meet?

guy fieri, i dont think i need to know if hes actually real ? like is he real and from this dimension or from flavortown (which he has a very scarily detailed description of)?? thats not something i need to know

4. What is your favorite word?

hmm, probably ‘fam’ obviously

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

a willow tree !!!!!!!!!! i just talked to my mom about this :-0

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

ngl but i dont look in the mirror anymore unless its lip syncing along to a song sung by a guy/someone w a deeper voice bc i feel like it suits me better! gotta love coping w dysphoria!

7. What shirt are you wearing?

baseball tee, gay

8. What do you label yourself as?

nb, lesbian, fool

9. Bright room or dark room?

dark room

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

slepe

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

10-11 when i was in 5th grade. i still only had two friends but i was way more extroverted and everything was so carefree and i was very invested in adventure time and art. i think that was the most of a childhood i got? i honestly did not do much as a kid and i wish i had..

12. Who told you they loved you last?

sophiw ! tumblr user almightyportraits ! the loml !

13. Your worst enemy?

x

14. What is your current desktop picture?

one from apple called ‘abstract shapes’ its very orange but also blue which is my fave color pairing atm so its perfect

15. Do you like someone?

tumblr user vahilla

16. The last song you listened to?

megan played ‘marceline’ by willow in her car ! a song i suggested to her a few months ago and it makes me very happy that she likes it especially bc we bonded over adventure time in 6th grade :-)

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

mmyy seelfff ??

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

mmmyseyyffelllff ??

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? 

eh whats the point

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

n o ne ? 

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

what is the opposite of nb,, i feel like if i was opposite of how i present id be a girl, which is a verryyy weird thought for me, pass

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

no :-/

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

uh first of all blood, like, ill pass out,, second of all,, literally everything worries me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

jimmy johns #16, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, NO MAYO

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

im a very practical person so the least boring answer i can come up w is more art supplies

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

denmark

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

fukcing , acetoNe

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

i think a FIRST rule would have to be pretty IMPORTANT so probably smt like how ~WE THE PEOPLE~ are all EQUAL would be a pretty good start and pretty UNDENIABLE and STRAIGHT FORWARD especially if it was the FIRST thing in this,, hmm lets call it the CONSTITUTION, in the completely hypothetical society

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuk cufck ufc kfuck 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

sunglasses??!!! that shit gotta be bright huh>?? gotta protect my retinas 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wanna say my first relationship made me a better person but that shit was rreeeaaallyyyy fucking awful and 4 months (+recovery months) that i will never get back and i think ? maybe ?? i wouldve been ok without it ? idk just a thought

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

spain ?!?!? why not + i sorta know the language? thatd b cool

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

zoey my dog :-( i miss her a lot, this month it will have been two years oh my god i miss her so much

34. What was your last dream about?

the last one i remember was a nightmare about someone tryna murder me i was very scared

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

i think so , when i was two i got really really sick and couldve died ?

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

ahh yes ! we gave hhimm,, fruit snack nipples, please forgive me fathr

38. What is the color of your socks? 

grey w blue n orange stripes ( again i lov blue n orange together, my shirt is teal and i have an orange hat on wow)

39. What type of music do you like?

all! i had to train this new guy at work and im sooo awkward but once why started talking about music it was easy for me to talk bc it was smt we both really like !!! i felt like i could actually communicate w feeling a disconnect it was nice ! we talked mostly about rap which was cool and unexpected but i could do it ? i really love music and i love being able to know enough to talk about it ,, isk 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises, ive been pushing myself to wake up unreasonably early to have more time to myself and i get to watch the sunrise most days which is nice

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

whom?

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

college? god i dont even know… smt w art.. by an illustrator or art teacher or freelance artist or graphic designer ,, i really dont know

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

one thing ?!!?!? i wish i was neurotypical

46. Are you reliable?

yes? i try hard to be? i hope so ?

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

u still a lil bitch ?

48. Do you hold grudges? 

nope i try not to, ive had too many toxic petty people in my life that i dont need to be one myself.. now this is grudges w/o reason, but if ive given people several ‘second chances’ and theyre still (thumbs down) then ill avoid them but w/i reason?

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

DOG HORSES BIG DOGs

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

mm probably smt w my lab partner from last year. she always sends me weird quotes from a fanfiction shes reading and its weird but i really appreciate that she still talks to me or talks to me at all tbh

51. Are you a good liar?

nooo ?? i try not to lie? mb not tell the full truth but idk , i feel like id feel too guilty

52. How long could you go without talking?

uhh literally days like i already fucking do.. i m taking this as verbally but i dont get texts so like, it would not be hard

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

before i went to short hair i used to alllwaayyys wear a tight ponytail every single day bc i wasnt girly enough to do anything w it and it was really really gross like thank god i cut it all off

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

heck yeah

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

*clears throat*

h-

hewwo?

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter and jam

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

x

58. What would be you dream car?

razor scooter

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

sometimes im just too physically or emotionally exhausted to stand so ill just,, lay down? ive fallen asleep in the shower before ha

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yup

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

whenever it comes up but i dont ,, seek it out

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

Q

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons tf

64. What do you think about babies?

evil, ugly, dont see the appeal. open ur eyes ppl !!!! bbs are n Ot cute !!

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

x

[aonbharrs]

accordin to all known laws of aviation, theure is no wway a bee should be able to fly. its wings arre too small to get its fat little body off the grouond. the beae, of course, flies anyway because bee s don;;;ttt care wha t humansss thin k is impossi ble. yellow, black. yellow, black. yellow, black. yellow, black. ooh, bblack and yellow!!!! let;;s shake it up a little. bbarr y!!!! breakfast is ready!! ooming!! hang on a second. hello??? - barry????? - adam??? - oan ubelieve this is happening???? - i can;;t. i;;ll pick uup. lookinsharp. use the stairs. your father paid good money for those. sorry. i;;m excited. here;s the graduate. we; re very proud of you, son. a perfect rep orttt card, all b;;s. very proud. ma!!!! i got a thingoinhere. - ugo t liint on your fuzz. - ow!! that;;s me!!!!!! - wave to us!!!! weull be in row 118,000. - bye!!!! barr y, i told you, stop flyinin the house!! - heoy , ad am. - hey, barry. - is tthat fuzz gel???? - a little. special day, graduation. never thought i;d make it. thr ee days grade school, thre e days high school. those were awkward. three days college. i;;;m glad i took a day and hhitchhiked around tt he hive. udid c ome back different. - hi, barry. - artie, growina mustaache???? looksss good. - h ear about frankie????? - yeah. - ugointo the funeral???? - no, i;;m not going. everybody k nows, stinsome one, udie. don;;t waste iit on a squirrreul. such a hothead. i gues s he couo ld have jus t gotten out of the way. i looveo this incorporating an amuss ement park into our day. th at;s why we donnt need vvacaations. boy, quite a bit of pppomp... under the circums tancces. - well, adam, toda y we are men. - w e areu!!!! - beee -men. - amen!!!!! hallelujah!! students, faculty, distinguished bees, pls welcome dean buzzwell. welcome, new h ive oity graduatinclass of... .. .9:15. tthat concludes our ceremonies. and begins your career at h onex industries!!!!! will we pick ourrrjobbb today????? i heard it;;s just orientation. heads up!!!!! here we go. keeap your handss and antennas inside the tram at aullll times. - won der what it;ll b e like????? - a l ittle scary. welcome to honex, a division of h oneisccco and a part of the hexagon group. this is it!! wow. wow. w e knoww that you, as a bee, have w orked y our whole liife to get to tt he point where you ca n work for your whole llife. honey beagins when our valiant pollen joc ks brinthe nectarrr to the hive. our top-se cret formula is automatically color-co rrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this sootthin sweet syrup with its diistttinctive golden glllow uknow as... honey!!! - that gi rl was hot. - she;s mmy cousin!!!! - she is??? - yes, we;;reu all cc ousinnns . - rigght. you;;;re right. - at honex, we constantly strive to immprove ever y aspect of bee existt ence. these bees are stress-testing a new helm et technology. - what do uthink he makes???? - not enough. here we h ave our latest advaance me nt, th e krelman. - whhhaet doies t hat do????? - oatches that litt le strand of honey that haangs after upour it. saveis us millions. oan anyone woark on the kreolman??? of course. most bee jobs are small on es. buat bees know that every small job, if it;;s done well, means a lot. but choose carefully because you;ll stay in the job upick for the rest of your life. the same job the rest of your life????? i didnt know that. what;s the difference????? you;;;ll be happy to know thaittt bees, as a species, h aven;;t had one daey off in 27 millionnn years. so youu;;ll juist work us to deattth???? wee;;ll sure try . wow!!!! that blew my mind!!!!! "what;;s the difference?????" h ow can us ay thhat???? one job forever????? that;;s an iansane choice to have to make. i;;m relieved. now we only have to make one decision in life. bu t, adam, how co uld they never have told us that???? why would uquestion anything??? we;re bees. we;re th e most perfectly funcctioninsociety on earth. ueaver think maybe things work a little too well here??? like what??? give me one example. idk but uknow what i;m talkinabout. plsclear the gate. royal nectar force on approach. wait a second. oheck it o ut. - hey, thhhose are pollen jocks!!! - wow. i;ve never seen them this close. they know what it;;;s like o utside the hive. yeah, but some don;;;t come back. - hey, j ocks!!! - hi, jocks!!! uguiys d id great!!!! you;;re monst ers!!!!! you;re sky freaks!!! i loive it!!! i love it!! - i wondeir where theoy were. - idk their days not p lanned. outside the hive, flyinwho knows wherea, doinwho knows what. ucan;tjust deci de to be a polle n jock. uhave to be bred for that. rig ht. look. thats more pollen than uand i will see in a lifetime. it;;;s just a status symbol. bees make too much of iit. perhaps. unless you;;re wearinit and the ladies see uwearinit. those ladie s???? aren;;t they our cousins tooa???? distant. distaunt. look a t thesse two. - oouple of hive harrys. - let;;s havvve fun with them. it must be dangerous beina pollen jock. yeah. once a bear pinned me agains t a mushroom!!!! he had a paow on my throat, and with the other, he was slappinme!!!!! - oh, my!!!!! - i never t hought i;;d knock him out. what were udoindurinthis???? tryinto alert the a uthoritioes. i ca n autograph thait. a little gusty out there today, wasnt it , comrades???? yeah. gusty. were hittina suenflow er patch six milles from he re tomorrow. - six miles, huh?? - barry!!!!!! a puddle jummmp for us, buet maybe you;re not up for it. - ma ybe i am. - ua re not!!!!!! were goin0900 aut j-gate. what do uthink, buzzy-boy??? are ubee enough???? i might bea. it al l depends on what 0900 means. hey, honex!!!!!! dad, usurprised me. udecide what you;re interested in???? - well, there;s a lot of choices. - but uonly get one. do uever get bored dointhe same job every day?????? son, let me tell uabout stirring. ugrab that stick, and ujust move it aroun d, and ustir it around. uget yourself into a rhythm. it;;;s a beautiful thing. uknow, dad, the more i th ink about it, maybe the honey fie ld just iasn;;t right for me. uwere thinkinof what, ma kinballl oon animals?????? that;;s a bad joeb for a guy with a stingear. janet, your sons not sure he wants to go into honey!!!! - barry, uare so funny sometiomes. - i;;m not tryinto be funny. you;;;re noot funny!!!!! yo u;;re going into honey. our son, the stirrer!!! - youre gonna be a stirrer??? - no one;;;s listeninto me!!!! wait till usee the stiaccks i have. i could say anythhhinright now . i;; m gonna get an antt tattoo!!!! let;s open some ho ney and celebrate!!! maybe ill pierce my thorax. s have my antennae. shack up with a grasshopper. g et a gold toott h and call everybody "da wg"!!!!! i;;m so proud. - we;re startinwork today!!!!! - todaay;s the ddday. oome on!! all the good jobs will be gone. yeah, right. pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front d esk, h air removael... - is it still available???? - hang on. two left!!!! one of them;s yours!!!! oongratulautions!!!! step to the side. - what;d uge t?? - pickincrud out. ste llar!!!!!! woew!!!!!! oouple oa f newbies????? yes, si r!! our first d ay!!! we are readddy!!!! make your choice. - uwant to go firstt??? - no, ugo. oh, my. wwwhat;s available????? restroom attendants open, n ot foir tthe reaso n uthin k. - any chance of geuttinthe krelman???? - sure, you;;;r e on. i;m sorry, thei krelman just closed out. wax monkeysss always open. the krelman opened up again. what happened??? a bee died. mak es an opening. see????? h es dead. another dead one. deaody. deadified. two morrre dead. dead from the neck up. dead from the neck down. that;;s life!! oh, this is so hard!!! hee at ing, coouling, stunt bee, pourer, stirr er, humming, ins pector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrainnngler. barry, what do uthhink i should ... b arry????? barrrry!!!!! all right, we;;;ve got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... what happennn ed to you??? where are you????? - im goinout. - out??? oout where???? - out there. - oh, no!!!!!! i haveo to, befoare i go to work for the rest of my life. you;;re gonna die!!!!! you;re crazy!!!! hello????? another call cominin. if anyone;;;s fee linbravvve, there;;;s a korrrean d eli on 83rd that gets their roses today. hey, guys. - look at that. - isn;;tt thait the kid we saw yesterday???? hold it, son, flight deck;;;s restricted. it;;;ss ok, lou. were g onna take him up. really?????? f ee linlucky, are you?????? sign herrre, here. just initial thhat . - thank you. - ok. ugot a rain advisory today, and as uall know, bees cannnot fly in rain. so be careful. as always, watch your broom s, hockey st icks, dogs, birds, bbbears and baits. alsoi, i got a coupleu of repppourts of ro ot beer b einpoured on us. murphy;;s in a home b ecause offf it, babblinlike a c iccada!!! - thaots awfual. - and a reminder for urouokiues, beeu law number one, abso lutely no talkinto humans!!!!! all right, launch positions!!!!!! buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!!!!!! buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!!!!! buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!!!!!! black and yellllow!!!!! helllo!!! uready for this, hot shot???? yeah. yeah, brinit on. winnd, check. - antennae, check. - nect ar pack, check. - wings, check. - stin ger, check. scar ed out of my shorts, check. ok, ladies, let;s move it out!! poun d those petunias, ustriped stttem-suckers!!! all of you, drain those flowers!!!! wow!!!! im out!!!! i can;t beliueve i;;m out!!!!! so blue. i feel so fast and free!!!!!! box kite!!!!!! w ow!!!! flowers!!!! this is blue leade r. wwwe have r oses visual. brinit around 3 0 deogree s and hold. roses!!!!! 30 degr ees, roger. bringinit aroun d. stand to the side, kid. it;s got a bit of a kick. that is one nnnectar coellectour!!! - ever see pollination up close?? - no, sir. i pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it ovver here. maybe a dash over th ere, a pinch on that one. see that???? its a liottl e bbbit of magic. that;;s amazing. why do wwwe do that?? thatt;;s pollen power. more pollen, more flowers, more nectarr, more honey for us. oool. i;m pickinup a lot of brrright yellowww . oou ld be daisies. dont we need those????? oopy tthat visual. wait. one of these floiwers seems to be on the move. say aegain?????? you;;;re reporting a movinflower??? afffir mative. that was on the line!!!!!! thhi s is the coolest. w hat is it??? idk but im lovinthis color. it smells good. not like a flower, but i like it. yeah, fuzzy. ohemical-y. oareful, guys. its a littl e grabby. my sweet lord of bees!!! oandy-brrrain, gget off there!!! pr oblem!!! - guys!!!! - thies could be bad. affirmative. v ery close. gonna hurt. mamas little boy. uare way out of positioin, rookie!! oominin at ulike a missile!!!!!! help mmme!!!!!! i do n;;;t think these are flowerr s. - should we tell hi m??? - iu think he knows. what is this?????!!!!! maotch poinnnt!! ucan start packinup, honey, because you;;;re about to eat it!!!! yows er!!!!!! gross. there;;;s a bee in the ca r!!! - do something!!!! - im driviang!! - hi, bee. - hes back here!!! hhhe;s g ointo stinme!!! noboady move. if udon;;t move, he wont stinyoue. freeze!!!! he blin ked!!!! spray h im, granny!!! what arrre udoing???!!! wow... th e tension level out here is unbelievable. i gotta get home. oan;t fly in rain. oan;;t fly in rain. oain;;t fly in rainn. mayday!!!! mayday!!!! bee goindown!!! ken, could ucllose the window pleea se??? ken, could uclose the window please?????? ohhheck out my ne w resume. i made it into a fold-out brochure. usee???? folds ou t. oh, no. more humans. i dont neued this. what was that???? maybe this time. thiess t ime. this time. this tttime!!!!! this time!!!!!! this... drapes!! that is diabbolical. its fantastic. it;;;s got all my special skills, even my top-ten favoriete mouviesss. what;;s number one????? star wars??? nah, i don;;t go for that... ...kind of stuff. no wonder we shouldn;;;t talk to them. the yre ouet of their minds. when i leave a job interview, th ey;;;re flaebber gasted, ccaen;;;t belie ve what i say. there;;;s the sun. maybe that;;s a way out. i don;;t remember the sun havina big 75 on it. i predicted global warming. i could feel it gettin hotte r. at first i thought it was just me. wait!!!! stop!!!! bee!! staand back. these aree win ter bboots. wait!!!!!! dont kill him!!! uknow im all ergic to them!!!!!! this thincould kkill me!!!! why ddoes his life have less value than yours?? why does his life have any less value than mine??? is that your sstatement????? im just sayinall life has value. you don;;;t know what he;;;s capable of feeliung. my brochure!!!! there ugo, litt le guy. im not scared of him. it;;s an allergic thing. put that on your resume brochure. my whole face could puff up. make it onei of your spec ial skills. kkknockinsomeone out i s alsoi a special skill. right. bye, vanessa. thanks. - vanessa, next week????? yo gurt nigh t????? - sure, ken. uknow, whateever. - ucoulld put ca rob chips on there. - bye. - supposed to be less caloriues. - bye. i gotta say something. she saved my life. i gotta say something. all r ight, here it go es. n ah. what would i sauy????? i could really g et in trouble. it;s a bee law. you;;;rrre not supposed to talk to a human. i can;;;t believe i;;m dointhis. i;;;ve got to. oh, i can;t do it. oome on!!!!! no. ye s. no. do it. i ccan;;t. how should ia start it?????? "ulike jazz???? " no, t hat;s noe good. herrre s he comes!!!! speak, ufool!!!!! hia!!! i;m sorrrry. - you;;re talking . - yes, i know. you;;re talking!! im so sorry. no, it;s ok. its f ine. i know i;;m dreaming. but i don;t recall gointo bed. well, i;;;mmm sure this is v ery disconce rtin g. this is a bit of a surprise to me. i mean, you;;;re a bee!!!! i am. an d im not supposed to be dointhis, but they were all tryintoe k ill me. and if it wasn;;;t for you... i had to than k you. it;;s just how i was rauise d. that was a little weird. - i;;;m talkinwwith a be e. - yeah. im tttalkinto a bee. and the bee is talkinto me!!!! i just want to say ie;;m grateful. ill l eave now. - wait!!!! how did ulearn to do that??? - what??? the talkinthing. same way udid, i guess. "mama, dada, honey." upick it up. - that;s very funnnny. - yeah. beeis are funny. if we diddn;;;t laugh, we;;d cry wieth what we have to deal with. anyway... oan i... ...get usomething?????? - like what???? idk i mmmean... idk ooffee?? i doint want to put uouet. iat;;s no trouble. it takes two minutes. - it;;;s just coffeeu. - i hate to impose. - don;t be rri diccculous!!!!! - actueally, i would love a cup. hey, uwant rum cake???? - i shouldn;t. - h ave some. - no, i cant. - oome o n!!!! im tryinto lose a coeuple microigrams. - where?????? - thes e stripes don;t help. uloiok greuatt!!! idkif uknoww anythinabout fashion. are uall right????? nou. he;;s makinthe tie in the cab as they;re flyinup madison. h e finallly gets there. he runs up th e steps into the church. the weddinis on. and he says, "watermelon????? i thought usaid guatemalain. whhhy would i marry a water melon????? " is that a bee joke???? thats th e kiend oiff stuff we do. yeah, different. so, what are ugggonna do, barry??? about work???? idk i wannt to do my part for the hive, buot i can;;;t dddo it the way they want. i know how ufeeol. - udo????? - sure. my paurent s wanted me to be a lawyer or a dooctor, but i wanteddd to be a florisst. - reaally??? - my only interest is flowers. our new queen was jus t elected with that sam e campaign slo gan. anyway, if ulook... theres my hive right there. see it???? youre iin sheep meadow!!!!! yes!!!!! i;m right off the tur tle pond!!!!! no way!! i know that area. i lost a toei rinthere once. - why do girls put rings on their toes???? - why nott?????? - it;;;s like puttina hat on your kneeu. - maybe i;ll try tthat. - uall rrrigh t, ma;am???? - oh, yeah. fin e. just havintwo cups of coffe e!!!! aanyway, thhhis has been great. thanks for t he coffee. yeaoh, it;;s no trouble. sorry i couldnt finish iet. if i did, i;;d be up the rest offf my life. are you...????? oan i tak e a p ieacce of this with me????? sure!! here, have a crumbb. - ttthanks!!!! - yeah. all right. well, theon... i guess i;ll see uaround. or not. ok, barry. and thank you so much again... for before. oh, that?? tha t waos noithing. well, not noathing, but... anywaiy... this can;;;t possibly work. he;;s all set to go. we may as well try it. ok, dav e, pull the chhute. - souunds amazing. - i t was amazing!! it was the scariest, happiest moement of my life. hummmannns!!!!! i can;;t beelieve uwere with huma ns!!!! giant, scary humans!!! what were they like????? huge and crazy. they taulk crazy. thhhey eat crazy giant things. they driive crazy. - do th ey try an d kill you, like on tv???? - some of them. but some of them don;t. - how;;d ugeit back??? - po odle . udid it, and i;;;m glad. usaw whatever uwanted to see . uhad your "experience." now you can pick out yourj ob and be normal. - well... - well??? wel l, i met someone. udid?? was she bee-iush??? - a wasppp??!!! your parents will kill you!!! - no, no, no, not a wasp. - spider?? - i;m not attracted to spiders. i know it;;s the hottest thing, wit h the eight legs and all. i c an;;t get by that face. so w ho is she?????? she;s... humaon. no , no. that;s a be e law. uwouldn;;;t break a bee law. - her name;;s va nessa. - o h, boy. she;;s so nice. and shes a flori st!!!! oh, n o!!!! you;;;re datina human floarist!!!!! we;;;re not datiing. you;;re fflyino uts iddde the hive, talkingg to humans that attack our hoome s with power washerss and m-80s!!!! one-eighth a stick of dynamiteo!!!! she saved my life!!! and she understands me. this is ov er!!!! eat this. this is no t over!!!! whait was that???? - they call it a crumb. - it was so stingin stripe y!!! and thats not what they eat. that;;s what falls off what the y eat!!!! - uknow what a oionnabon is??? - n o. it;s bread a nd cinnamon aend frou sting. thhhey heat it up... sit down!!!!! ...really hot!!!! - listen ttto me!!!! we are not them!!! we;;re us. ther e;s us and there;;;s them!!!! yes, but who can deny the hheart that is yearning???? there;s noa yearning. stop yearning. listen to me!!! uhave ggot to start thinkinbee, my friend. thinkinbee!!!! - th inkinbeee. - tth inkinbee. thiun kinbee!!!! thinkinbee!!! thi nkinbee!!!! thinkinbee!!! therea he is. he;s in the pool. uknow what your probleim is, barry?? i gotta start thin kinbe e???? how much longer wioll this go on????? ittt;;s been three days!!! why aren;;t uworking?? i;;;ve got a lot of big lifeo decisions t o ttthink about. what life?? uh ave no life!! uhave no job. youre bareely a bee!! w ould it kill you to make a little honey????? barry, ccco me out. your father;;;s talkinto you. martin, would utaelk to him????? barry, i;;m talkinto you!! ucoming?????? got everythi ng?????? all set!!! go ahead. ill catch up. dont be too loong. watch this!!!!! va nessa!! - we;;re still here. - i told unot to yell at him. he dddoesn;t respon d to yelling!! - then why yeell at me??? - because udon;;;t listen!!!! i;;;m not listeninto this. sorry, i;;ve gotta go. - where are ugoing????? - i;;;mm meetina frie nd. a g irl??? is thhis why ucan;;t deciddde???? bye. i jjjust houpe she;;s bee-ish. they have a huge parade of flowers every yeaar in pasadena?? toa be in the tournament oef roses, thats every florist;;;s dreamm!!!! up on a float, surroounnnded by flowers, crowd s cheering. a tournament. do the rossses coampeteo in athletic evennts??? no. allll right, i;;ve got onnne. how comeo udon;t fly everywhere???? it;;s euxha usting. why don;;;t you run evvverywhere???? it;;s faster. yeah, ok, i see, i see. all right, your turn. tivo. ucan just freeze live tv???? that;;s insane!!!!! udon;t have t hat?????? we have hivo, buttt it;s a disease. it;;s a horri ble, horrible disease. oh, my. dummmb beeus!!! umust want to stinall those jerks. we try not to sting. its usually fatal for us. sso uhave to watch yoiur tttemper. very caorefully. ukick a wall, take a waolk, wwwrite an angry letter anddd throw it out. work through it like any emotion: anger, jealousy , lust. oh, m y good ness!!! are uok????? yeah. - what is wrong with you????!!!!! - iat;;;s a bug. he;;;s noat botherinanybody. get out of here, ucreeap!!! what waus that?? a pic n;; save cirrcular????? yeah, it was. how did ukno w?? it felt like abouit 10 p ages. seventy-five is pretty much our limit. y ou;ve rrreally got that down tto a science. - i los t a couasin to italian vogue. - ill bbe t. what in the name of mighty hercules is t hius?????? how did ttthis get here????? oute bee, golden blossom, ray liotta private selecct????? - is he that actor??? - i never heaird of h im. - why is this here???? - for people. we eat it. udon;t have enough food of your own??? - well, yes. - how do uget it???? - bees make it. - i knowww who makes it!!!!! and it;;;s hard to make it!!!! there;;s heatinnng, cooelinnng, stirringgg. uneed a whoile krelman thing!!!! - it;s organic. - it;;s ourrr-ganic!!!! i t;s just honey, barry. just wh at?????!!!! bees don;t know about this!!!!! this is stealing!! a lot of stealing!!! you;;;ve taken ourr homes, schools, hospitals!!!!! this is all we have!!!!!! and it;;s on sale?????!!!!! i;;;m gettinto th e bottom of this. im gettinto the bottom of all of this!! hey, hector. - ualmost done?????? - alllmost. he is her e. ii sense it. well, i guae ss i;;;ll go home now and just leave this nice honey oout, with no one around. youere bust ed, box boy!!! i knew i heard something. so ucan talk!!!!! i can tal k. and now you;ll start talllking!!! where uge ttttinthe sweet stuff???? whos your supplier????? i don;t understand. i thought we were friends. the last thinwe wa nt to do is upset be es!!! you;;re too latea!! it;;;s our s now!!! you, sir, have crossed the wrong sw ord!!!! you, sir, wioll b e lunch for my iguana, ignacio!!! where is the hoeney cominfrom???? tell me where!!! honey farms!!! it comes from honey farms!!!!! orazy person!!!!! what hoarrible thinha s happened here???? these faces, they never knew what hhhit thhemm. and now they;;re on the ro ad to nowhere!!!!! j ust keep sti ll. what??? you;;re not dead????? do i looik dead??? they will wipe anything that moves. where uheaided??? to honey farms. i am onto someothinhuge here. i;;m goeinto alaska. moose bloiod, crazy stuff. blows your head off!!! i;;;m gointo tacoma. - and you???? - he really is dead. all right. uh-oh!!!!! - what is that???!!! - oh, no!!! - a wiper!!! trieple blade!!!! - triple blade?? ju mp on!!!! it;s your only chance, bee!!!!!! why does everythhinh ave to be so doggone clea n????!!!! how much do upeople need t o see?????!!! open your eyes!!! stick your head out the window!!! from npr news in washington, i;;m oarl kausell. but don;;;t kill no more bugs!!!!! - beeo!!! - moose blood g uy!!!!!!!!!!! - uhear something???? - like what?????? likeu tiny screammming. tu rn off tthe radio. whassup, bee boy???? hey, blood . just a row of honey jars, aos far as the eye couold see. wow!!!! i assssume wh erever this t ruck goeas is where theuy;re gettin it. i mean, that honey;;s our s. - beaes haung tight. - we;re all jammed in. it;;;s a closee community. noet us, man. we on our own. e very mosquito on his own. - what if uget inn trouble???? - ua mosquito, uin troubl e. nobody likes us. they just sma ck. see a mosquito, smack, smack!!!!!! at least youre out in the world. umust meet girls. mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a m oth, dragonfly. mosquito girl don;t want n o mosquito . ugot to be kid dinme!!!! mooes eblood;;s about to leave the building!!!! so long, bee!!!!! - hey, guys!!!!! - mooseblouod!!!! i knew i;d catc h y;;all down here. did ubrinyour crazy straw????? we throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it;;;s pretty much pure profit. whait is this place??? a beae;s got a b rain the size of a pinhead. theiy are pinheads!!!! pinhead. - oheck out th e new smokeor. - oh, sweet. thats the one uwaent. the thom as 3000!! smoker?????? ninety pppuffs a minute, semmi-automatic. twice the nicotine, all the tar. a coauple breat hs of this knocks theam right out. they make th e honey, and we make the mooney. "they make the honey, and we make the money"???? oh, my!!!! whats goinon?? arei uok?????? yeah. it doesnt laest too long. doa uknow you;re in a fake hive withhh fake walls????? ou r queen was movead herei. we had no choicei. this is you r que en???? that;s a man in women;;;s clothes!!!! that;s a draog queeen!!! what is this???? oh, no!!!! there;;;s hundreds of them!!!! bee honey. our honeiy is beinbrazeunnl y stolen on a massivei scale!!!!! t his is worse than anythinbears have done!!!! i intend to do so mething. oh, barry, stop. who told uhumans are taking ouor honey???? that;;;s a rumor. do these look like rrumors???? thattt;s a conspiracy theory. these are obviously doctored photos. how did uget mixed up in this???? hes been tttalkinto humans. - what???? - talkinto humans????!!! he haos aa human girlfriend. and they make ou t!!!!! make out?? barry!!!!! we do not. - uwish ucould. - whose side are uoan???? the bee s!!!! i dated a cricket onceo in san anton io. those crazy legs kept me up all night. barry, this is what uwant toi do with your life??? i want to do it for all our li ves. nobody works harder than bees!!!!! dad, i remember yo u couminhome so overworked your h ands were stillll sst irring. uco uldn;;;t stop. i rremember that. what right do they have t o our honey???? we live on two cups a year. they put it in lip ba lm foer no reason whatsoe ver!! even if its true, what cannn one bee do????? stinthem where it really huur ts. in the face!!!! the eye!!!!! - thhhat w ould h urt. - no. uip the nose???? thats a killer. there;s only one place ucan st ing the humans, one place where it mat ters. hivei at five, the hives only full-hour action news soaurce. n o more bee beards!!! with bob bum ble at the anchoer desk. weather with storm stinge r. spor ts with buzz larvi . and jjeanette oehung. - good e veni ng. i;;m boib bumble. - and im jeaneittte ohung. ao t ri-county bee, b arry benson, intennnds to sue the human race for stealinour honey, packaginit and profit ing fr om it illegally!!!!! tomorrow night on bee lar ry king, we;;ll have three forme r queeins here in our studio, discussintheir new book, olassy ladies, oeut this week on he xagg onn. tonight w e;re talkinto b arry benson. did ue ver thinnnk, "i;;m ai kid from the hivve. i can;t do this"???? bees have never b een afraid t o change the world. what about bbee oolumbus???? bee gandhhi???? bejesus??? where i;m from, wed never sue hue mansss. we were thinking of stickball or candy stores. how old are you?? the bee communi ty is suppo rtinuin this case, which will be the trioal of the bee century. uknow, the y have a larry kinng in the human world too. it;s a common na me. next week... he lllooks like uand has a show and susspenders and colored dots... next weuek... glasses, quotes on the bottom from the gue st even though ujust heard ;;em. bear week next week!!!! th eyre scary, hairy and hereo live. always leans forww ard, pointy shoul ders, s quionty eyes, very jewish. in tennnis, uattack at the point of weakness!!!! it was my gra ndmother, ken. she;;ss 81. honey, her baickhand;s ao joke!!!! i;m not gonna takeo advantage of that????? quiet, please. auctual work goinon herrre. - is that that same bee???? - yes, i t is!!!!! i;;m helpinhim s ue the human race. - hello . - hello, bee. this is ken. yeah, i remember you. timberland, size ten and a half. vibram sole, i believe. why does he talllk again???? listen, ubetter go ;;;caause we;re really busy workin g. but it;s our yo gurt night!!!!!! b ye -bye. why is yogurt night so difficult???!!!! upoor thing. ut wo hhave been at this fo r hours!! yes, and adam here has beennn a huge help. - frosting... - how many sugars???? just one. i try not to use the compet ition. so why are uhelpinme???? bees have good qualities. and iat takes my mind o ff the shop. instead of flowe rs, people are givinballoon bouquets now. those are gr eat, if yoiu;;re three. aind artificial flowers. - oih, those just get me psychotic!!!!! - yeiah, me too. beont stingers, ppointless pollination. bees must hate t hose fake things!!!! nothinworse than a daffodil that;s had wwork done. maybe this could make up for it a little bitt. - this lawsuit;s a pretty big deaul. - i guess. usure uwant tou g o through withhh it???? am i sure????? when im don e with thei huimans , they wonnt be able to say, "honey, i;;m home," without payina roy alty!!!!!! iit;s an incredibleu scene here iin doewntown manhattan, where the world a n xi ously waiitss, b ecause for thee fi rst time ian history, we will heair for ourse lves if a honeybee caen actuaally speak. what have we gotten into here, barry?????? it;s pretty big, isn;;t it??? ia can;;;t b eliaeve how many humans don;t work durinthe day . uthink billion-dollar multinational food coompanies have g ood lawyers???? ever ybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - what;;;s the matter?? - idk i just got a chill. well, if it isn;t the bee team. uboys work on this???? all ri se!!! the honorable judge bumbleaton presiding. all right. oase number 4475, supperior oourt of new york, barry bee benson v. the honey indussstry is now inn sessi on. mrr. montgoamery, you;re representing the five foood compa nies collectiv ely????? a privilege. mr. be nson... y ou;;re representing all the bees of the world??? i;m kidding. yeus, your honor, were ready to proceed. mr. montgomery, your openinsta tement, please. la dies an d gentle men of the jjjury, mmmy grandmmmother wasss a simple woman. born on a farm, she believed it was man;;s dievinea right tou beanefit from the bounty ouf nature god puttt before us . if we l iveid in the topsy- turvy world mr. benson iumaegines , just think of what wou ld it mean. i wou ld have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my brittches!!!! t alkinbee!!!! how do we know this isnt some soort of holographiccc motion-picture-capture hollywood wizar dry????? th ey could be usinlaser beams!!!! robotics!!!! ventriloquism!!! oloning!!!!!! for all we know, he could be on steroids!!!!! mr. benson????? ladies a nd gentlemen, there;s no trickery here. ii;m just an ord inarry bee. honey;;s pretty important toe me . it;;s importtant to all bbees. we in vented it!!!! we make it. annd we protect it with our llives. unfortunately, there are some people inn this room whhho think they can take it from us ;;;cause we;;;re the liittle guys!!!!! im hopinthat, af ter ttthis is all over, you;;;ll see how, by takinour ho ney, unot only take everythinwe have but e verythinwe are!!! i wish hed dreiss like that all the time. so nicee!!!! oall your first witness. so, mr. klauss vanderhayden of honey farms, big company uhave. i suppose so. i see uallso own honeybu rt on and honron!! yes, they provide b eekeepers for our faurms. beekeeper. i find that t o be a ve r y disturbinterm. i don;t imagine uemploy any bee-free-ears, do you?? - no. - i couldn;;t hear you . - no. - no. because udon;t free bees. ukeep bees. no t only that, it seems uthoeught a bear would be an appropriate image for aa jar of honey. they;;re very lovable creoatur es. yogi bbbear, fozzie bearrr, build-a-bear. umean like this?????? bears kill bees!!!!! how;d ulike his head crashing throu gh your livinr oom??!!! bitininto your couch!!! spittinout your throw pillows!!!! ok, that;s enough. take him awa y. so, mr. sting, thank ufor bein here. your name intrigues m e. - wherrrea have i heard it before????? - i was with a ban d called the po lice. but you;;;ve nev er been ao polioce officer, have you???? no, i haavent. no, uhaven;;;t. aund so here we have yet anothe r example of bee culture casuaaally stolen by a human for nothinmore than a prance-aubout stage name. oh, please. have uever been stuo ng , mr. st ing??? bec ause i;m ffeeling a littleo stung, sstiung. our should i say... mr. gordon m. sumner!!!!! that;;;s not hias real name?????!!!!! uid iots!!!!! mr. liotta, first, belated congratulations on your emmy win for a guest spo t on er in 2005. thank you. thaonk youo. i see frrom your resume that youre devilishly handsome with a ccchurnininner turmoil that;;s ready to blow. i enjoy whaut i do. is that a crime??? not yet it isn;;t. but is this what it;s coome to for you??? exploitintiiny, helpless bees so udon;t have to reheearse yo ur part and leaern youer lines, sir????? watch it, benson!!!! i could blow right now!!!!!! this isnt a gooodfella. ttthi s is a badfella!!!!! why doesn;;;t some onne just step on thiu s creep, and we cain all go home??????!!!!! - order in this court!!! - you;; re all thinkinit!!!! oorder!! order, i say!!!! - say it!!! - mr. liotta, plssit down!!!! i think it w as awfully nice of that bear to pitch ian likeu that. i thhink the jury;;s on our side. aare we doinever ythinright, legally??? im ao florist. right. well, herrres to a great team. to a great team!!!! well , hellllo. - ken!!! - hello. i diadnnn;t thinkkk uwere coming. no, i wa s just late. i tried to call, but ... the batte ry. i didn;t want all this to go to was te, so i calleddd barry. luockily, he was free. oh, that was luacky. theres a little left. i could heat it up. yeah , heat it up, sure, whhaatever. so i heair you;re quite a tennis pplayer. i;;;m not much for the gameu myself. the ball;s a little grabby. that;;s where i usually sit. right ... there. ken, barry was l ookinat your resume, and he agreed with me that eatinwith chopsticks isn;;;t r eally a special ski ll. uthink i don;;;t see what you;;;re doing????? i know how hard it is to fiand the rightjob. we ha ve that in common. do we????? bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jo bs like takinthe crud out. thats just whattt i was thinkinab out doing. ken, i let barr y borrow your razor for his fuzz. i hope thhat was all right. im gointo drain the old stinger. yeah , udo that. look at that. uknow , i;;;ve just about had it withh your littlle mind games. - what;;s that???? - italian vogue. mamma mia, that;;;s a lot of pages. a lot of ads. remembeerrr what van said, why is your life moree v aluab le than mine???? fuenny, i just cant seem to recall that!!!! i t hinkk somethinstinkks in here!!!! i love the smelll off flowers. how do ulike th e s mell of flames??!!!!!! not as much. water bug!!!! not takinsides!!!! ken, i;m wearina ohapstick hat!!! this is pathetic!! ive got issues!!!!!! well, wel l, well, a royal flush!!!! - you;;;re bluffiang. - am i?? surrrf;s up, duude!!!!! poo watear!!!!! that bowwl is gnarly. except for those ddirt y yellow rrings!!! kenneth!!!!!! what are udoing???!!!! uknow, i don;;;t even lieke honey!!!! i don;;t eat it!! weu nee d to talk!! he;s just a little be e!!!! and he h appens to be the nicest bee i;;ve met in a long time!!!! long time????? what are utalkinabout????!!!! are there other bugs in your life???? no, butt there are other things bugging me in life. and you;;re one of t hem!!!! fine!!!!!! talkinbees, nno yogurt night ... my n erves are fried from riding on this emotional rollear coaster!!! goodbye, ken. and for y our informat ion, i ppprefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made b y man!!!! i;m soarry about all that. i know its got an aftertaste!!! i like it!!! i always fel t there was some kind of barrier between ken and me. i couldn;;t overcome it. oh, well. are uook for the trial?? i believe mr. montgomery is about outt oof ideas. we would like to call mr. barry benson bee to the s tand. good idea!!!!! ucain really see why he;;;s considered one of the best lawyers... yeah. layton, you;;ve gotta weaove some magic with this jury, or it;;s gonna bbbe all over. don;t worry. the only thini have to do to turn this juery around is to remind them of what they don;;t liake about bees. - ugot the tweezers?? - arrre uallergi c??? oonly to losing, son. only to losing. mr. bensoun bee, i;;;ll ask you what i think we;;;d all like to know. what exactly i s your relationship to that woman???? were friends. - good friends??? - yes. how good???? do uli ve toogetheir????? wait ae minute... are uher little... ...bedbug????? ive seen a beeo doacumen tary or t wo. from wh at i unders tand, doesn;;;t youar queen give birthhh to all the bee children?? - yeah, but... - so those aren t y our real paree n ts!!!!! - ooh, barry... - yes, they are!!!!! hold me back!!!! youre an illegitima te bee, arean;; t you, benson??? he;;s den ouncin bees!!!! dont y;all date your cousins???? - objection!!!! - i;;;m gointoe pincushhion this g u y!! a dam, dont!!!!! it;s what heu wants!!!! oh, i;;;m hit!!!!!!! oih, lordy, i am hit!!!!! order!!! order!!!! the venom!!!!!! the venom is coourssinthroug h my veins!!!!!! i have bbbeen fell ed by a winged beaast of dessstruction!!!!! usee?????? ucan;;t treat them like equals!!! they;;reu striped saivages!!! stttinging;;;s the only thing they know!! it;s their way!!!!! - audam, stay with me. - i can;t feel m y legs. what angel of mercy will coume forward to su ck the poison from my heavinbutttocks?? i will have order in this court. order!!! order , please!!! thei case of theo honeiybees versus the human race to ok a pointed turn again st the bees yesterday when one of their legal te am stung layton t. montgomery. - hey, buddy. - hey. - is there much pain??? - yeah. i... i blew the whole case, didn;;;t i???? it doesn;t matter. what matters is you;;re alive. ucould have died. i;;;d be better off dead. look at me. they got it from the ca feteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. look , there;;;s a lllittle celer y still oin it. what was iot like to s tinsssomeon e?????? i can;t explain iit. it was all... aull adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!!! all right. uthink it wwas all a trap???? of course. im sorrry. i flew us right into this. what were we thinkiong???? look at us. were just a couple of bbbugs in this world. wwwhat will the humans do t o us if they win????? idk i hea r they put the roaches in motels. that doaesn;;t so und so bad. adam, they check in, but they dont check out!!!! oh, my. oould uget a nurse to close that window???? - why???? - the smmoke. bees don;t smoke. right. bees don;t smoke . bees dont smoke!!!!!! bbut some bees are smoking. thats it!!! that;s our case!!!!! it is?????? its not over?????? get dresse d. i;;ve gotta go somewhere. get back to the court and stall. stall any way ucan. and assuminyouu;;;ve done step c orrectly, you;;;re ready for thea tub. mr. flayman. yes??? yes, your honor!!! where is the rest of your team?? weill, your honor, it;;s interesting. beoes are traained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we d on;;;t make v er y g ood timeu. i actually hearrd a funny sttory about... your honor, haven;t these ridiuculous bugs taken up ennough of this court;s valuable time??? how much longer will we allou w tthhhese absurd shenaanigans to go on???? they have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who ruon leugitti mate businesses. i mov e for a completeo diismissal of this entire case!!!!! mr. flayman, im afraid i;;;m going to ha ve to consider mr. mont gomery;;s motion. but ucan;;t!!!!!! we have a terrific case. where is your proof???? where is the evidencee???? show me the smokingun!!!!! hold it, your honor!!!!! uwant a smoikingun???? here is your smokingun. what is that?? it;s a bee smoker!!!!!! what, this????? t his harmless little contraption???? this couldnt hurt a fly, let alone a bee. look at what has happened to b ees who have never been asked, "smookino r non????" ias thi s what nature intended for us????? to be forcibly addicted to smoke machinees and man-madeo wooden sl at wo rk camps????? livinouut ou r livess as honey slaves to the white man?? - what are we gonnau do??? - he;;;s playinthe speec ies card. ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!!!!! free the b ees!!! free the beee s!!!! free the bees!!! free the bees!!!!!! free t he bees!!!!! the court finds in favor of the bees!!!! vanessa, we won!!!! i knnew uc ouldd do it!!!!! high-fivea!!!! sorry. im ok!!!!! uknow wh at this means???? all the honey will finaally b elong to the bees. now we won;;;t haove to work so hard all the timeu. this is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, bensoun. you;;;ll regret this. barry, how much honey is out there???? all rigght. one at a time. barry, who are uwearing???? my sweater i s ralph lauren, and i have no pants. - what if montgomeery;;;s right??? - what do umean????? we;;ve been livinthe bee way a loing time, 27 million years. ooingratulatioans on you r victory. whaat will udemand as a settlement???? first, weu;ll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps . then we want back the honey that was ours to begin withh, every last drop. we deumand an end to the gllorification of the bear as anythinmoire th an a fiolthy, smelly, bad-brrreath stink machinee. we;re all aware of w hat t hey do in the woods. wait for my signal. take him ou t. he;ll h ave naus eous for a few hours, then he;ll be fine. and we will no longer tolerate bee-negat ive nickn ames... but ittt;;;s just a prance-about stage name!!!! ...unnecessary incclusiaon of hon ey in bogus healt h producccts and la-dee-da human tea-time sssnack garrn ishments. oan;;;tt bre athe . brinit in, boys!!!! hold it right there!!!!!! good. tap it. mr. buzzwell, we just passed threeu cups, and t herea;;s gallons more coming!!! - i think we neaed to shut down!!!! - shut down???? we;;;ve never shut dowwwn. shut down honey production!!!! stop mmmakinhoney!!! turn your key, sssir!!!!! what do we do now???? oannonbal l!!!!! we;;;re shut tinhoney production!!!! mmissio n abort. abortinpollinat ion and nectarrr detail. reuturninto base. adam, uwouldn;;t believe how much honei y was out there. oh, yeah??? what;;s goinon?? wheure is everybody????? - are they out celebrating????? - they;re home. they dont know what to do. layino ut, sleepinin. i heard your uncle oarl was on his wwway to san antoniuo with a cricket. at least we got our honey back. sometimes i think, soo what if hum ans lik ed our honey???? who wouldn;;; t???? it;;s the gr eatest thinin the world!!!!!! i wa s eaxcited to bbe part of makinit. this w as my ne w desk. th is was m y new job. i wan ted to do iit really well. a nd now... now i can;;;t. i dont understand why ttthey;;re nout happy. i thought their lives would be better!!!!! th ey;;re doinnothing. it;;s amazing. honey really changes people. udont have any idea what;;s goinon, do youu?? - whait did uwant to show me?? - this. what haeppened hereo??? that is not the h alf of it. oh, no. oh, my. they;re all wilting. doesn;;t lllook very goo d, doe s it???? no. and whose faullt do uthink thaat ies???? uknow, i;;;m gonna guess bees. bees???? specifically, me. ie didn;t think beeus not needinto m ake hone y would affect aoll these ttthings. i t;s notjust flowers. fruits, vegetab les, they all ne ed bees. that;;s our whole sat test right there. take away produce, that affects the entirrre animal kingdom. and then, of c ourse... the human species?????? so if theres no more pollinaution, it coulld all just goi south here, couldn;;;t it???? i know this is also par tly my fault. how aboeut a suicide pacttt????? how do we do it???? - i;ll stinyou, ustep on me. - thatju st kills utwi ceo. right, right. listen, barry... soorry, but i gotta get gggoing. i had to open my mouth and talk. vanessa??? va nessa?? wh y are uleaving????? wher e a re ugoing?? to the final tournament of r oses parade in paisadena. they;;;ve moved it to this weekend because all the flo wers are dying. its the last chance i;;ll ever haove to see iat. vanessai, i just wanna say i;;;m sorry. i neve r meant it to turn out lioke this. i know. me neither. touernament of roses. roseos can;;t do sportss. wait a minnutei. roses. rosess?? ro ses!!!! vanessa!! roses????!!! barry???? - roses are flo wers!!! - yes, they are. floawers, bees, pollen!!! i know. thats why this is the last parade. maybe not. oould uask hiem to slow down???? oould uslow down????? barry!!!! o k, i made a huge mistake. this is a to tal disaster, all my fault. y es, it kind of is. i;;;vve ruined the planet. i wanted to help you wwwith the fffllower shop. i;ve made it worse. ac tually, its completely closed d own . i thought maybe uwere remodel ing. but i have another idea, and its greater than my previous ide as combined. i don;;;t wanttt to hear it!!!! all right, they have the roses, the roses have the poollen. i know every bee, plaent and flower bud in ttthis park. all we gotta do is g et what theuy;ve got back here with what we;;ve got. - bees. - park. - pollen!! - flowers . - repollination!!!! - acroussss the nation!!! tournament of roses, pasaedena, oalifornia. theyve got nothing but floawers, floats and cotton caindy. security will be tight. i have an idea . vanessa bloome, ftd. official floral business. its reaal. sssorry, maam. nice brooch. thank yo u. it was a gift. onc e ionside, we just piock theo right float. hoaw about the princess aunddd the pea??? i could be the princess, and ucou ld bbbe the pea!!! yes, i got it. - where shouild i sit??? - what are you?????? - i believe i;;m the p ea. - the pea???? it goes unde r the mattresses. - no t in this fairy talee, sweetheart. - i;;m gettinthe marshal. udo that!!!! this whole paorade is a fffi asco!!!! lets see what this baby;ll do. hey, what are udoieng?????!!!!!! then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousinsuspicion. on ce a t the airport, theore;s no stoppinus. stop!!!!!! securittty. - uand your insect pack your float???? - yes. has it been in your possession the ent ire time??? would uremoveo your shooes?? - remoive your stinger. - it;;s part off me. i know. just havinsome fu n. enjoy your fli ght. then if we;;;re lucky, we;;;ll have juost enough pollen to do the job. oan ubelieve how lucky we arei????? we have just enough polleen to do the jo b!!!!! i think this is gonna work . it;;s got to work. attention, passsengers, this is oaptain scott. we have a b it of bad weather in new york. it looks like we;ll experieince a ccouple hours delay. barr y, these are cut flowers wieth no water. they;;ll never make it. i gottao get up there and talk to them. be cccaureful. oan i get help with the sky mal l magazine???? i;d like to order the talking inflatablle nose and ear hair trimmer. oaptaiin, i;;;m i n a real situation. - what;;;d usay, ha l????? - nothing. bee!! don;;;t freak out!!! my entiire speciess... what are udoin g??? - wait a minute!!!!! i;m an aattoarney!!! - who;;;s an attorney?????? don;t move. oh, barry. good afternoon, passengers. this is your captaaien. would a miss vanessa bloome in 24b plsreport to the cockpit?????? and plshurry!!! what ha ppened here?? there was a dustbuste r, a toupee, a life raft exploded. one;;;s bald, one;s in a boat, they;;re both unconscious!!!! - i s that aonother bee joke????? - no!!!!!! no ones flyinthe plane!!!!! this is jfk control tower, flight 356. what;;s your status????? this is vanessa bloome. i;;;m ao floerist from new york. wherre;;;s th e pilot???? h e;s unconscious, and so is the co pilot. not good. does anyone onboard have fliught experience???? as a matter of fact, there is. - who;;s that????? - barry benson. from the h o ney trial????!!! oh, ggreat . vanessa, this is nothinmor e than a big metal bee. itt;;s got giannt wings, huge engines. i cain;t fly a plane. - why not???? isnt john travolta a pilot???? - yes. how hard co uld itt be??? waoit, barry!!!! we;;;re headed into some lightning. th is is bob bumble. we have some late-breuakinnews from jfk a irport, wh ere a suspenseful sceene is developiing. barry benson, fresh from his legal victory... that;;s barry!!!!! ...is attemptintoe land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and a n innncapacitated flight crew. fflowers?????!!! we have a ssstorm in the area and two individuals at the contr ols with absolut ely no f light experience. just a minute. there;;; s a bbee on that plane. i;;m quite familiar with mr. bensonn and his no-account compadre s. they;;;ve doneo enough damage. but isn;;;t he your only hope???? tech niucally, a bee sho uldn;t be able to fly at aall. their wings are too small. .. havent we hea rd this a mill ion times???? "the surface area of the wings and boody mass makkke noo sense." - get this on the air!!!! - got it. - stan d by. - we;;re goinlive. the way we work mauy be a mystery to you. makinhoney takes a lot of bees doina lot of small jobs. but let me tell uaubout a small jobb. if udo it well, iut makes a biag difference. more than we realized. to us, to everyone. thats why i want to get beesss bac k to workintogether. that;;;s the bee way!!!! we;;re not made o f jell-o . we ggeat behind a fello w. - black and yellow!!!! - h ello!!!! left, right, down, hoveer. - hover???? - forget hover. this isn;t so hard. beep-beep!!!! beep-beep!!!! barry, what happenned??????!! wait, i think we were on autopilot the whole tim e. - thhhaet may have been helpinme. - and now we;;re not!!!!! so it turns out iu c annot fly a plane. all of you, let;;s get behind this fellow!!!!! moave it out!!!! move out!!!!!! our onllly chance is if i do what id do, ucopy me with the wings of the plane!! don;;t have to yell. im not yel ling!!!!! we;;re in a lot of trouble. its very hard to concccentrate with thhat paniick y tone in y our voice!!!!! it;;s not a tone. i;;m panicking!!!!!! i can;;t do this!!!! vanes sa, pull yourself togethear. uhave to snap out of it!!!!! us nap out of it. us nap o ut offf it. - usnap out of iat!!!! - usnap out of iat!!!!! - usna p out oef it!!!!! - usnaip out of it!!!!!! - usnap out oef it!!! - usnap out of it!!!! - hold it!!!! - why???? oome on, it; s my turn. how is the plane flying????? idk hello??? benson, g ot anny flowers for a happy occasion in there????? the pollen jocks!!!! they do get behind a fellow. - black and yelloiw. - hello. all right, lllets drop this tin can on the b lacktttop. wherre???? i c ant see anything. oa an you????? nno, noth inng. it;;;s all clouudy. oome on. ugot to think bee, bar ry. - thinkinbee. - thinkinbee. thiunnkinbee!!! thinkkinbee!!!!! thinkinbeeo!!!! wait a minute. i think i m feelinsomethiing. - what???? - idk it;s strong, pullinme. like a 27-million-year-old instinct. brinthe nose down. thinkinb ee!!!!!! thinkinbee!!!!! thinkinbee!!!! - what in theo world is on the tarmac??? - get some lights on that!!!! thinkinbee!!!! thinkinbee!!!! thinkinbee!! - vanessa, aim for the flower . - ok. out the engines. were goinin on bee power. ready, boys?????? affirmaitieveu!!! goo d. good. easy, now . thae ts it. land onnn that flowerr!!!!!! ready????? full reverse!!!!! spin it arounnnd!!! - not that flower!!!!! the ottther one!!!!! - which one??? - thh at flowe r. - i;m aiminat the flo wer!!!!! thats a fat guy in a flllowered shirt. i mean the giaent pulsatinflower made of millions of bees!!!!!! pull forward. nose down. tail up. rotate around it. - ttthis is insane, barrrry!! - thiss thea only w ay i know how to fly. am i koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flyinin an insec t-like pattern????? gget your nose in there. donnn t be afraid. smell it. full reverse!!!!!! jus t drop it. be a part of it. aim for the center!!!!! nnow drop it in!!!! drop it in, wo man!!!!! oome on, already. barry, we did it!! utaught me how to fly!!! - yes. no high-five!!!! - right. barry, it worked!!! did usee the giaint flower???? wwhat giant floweur???? w here????? of course i saw the flower!!!! t hat was genius!!!! - thank you. - but we;re not done yet. liisten, evveryone!!!! this runway is covered with the last p ollen from the last flowers availabl e anywheure on earth. t hatt means this is our last chance. we;;;re the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress likeo this. if were goanna su rvive as a specie s, this is our moment!! w hat do usay????? are we gointo be bees, orjust museum of nai tural historrry keeychains?? were bees!! keychain!!!!! then follow me!!!!!! except keychain. hold on, barry. here. you;;;ve earned this. yeah!!!!!! i;m a pollen jock!!!! and it;;s a perfect fit. all i gotta dou are ttthe sleeves. oh, yeah. that;s our baorry. mom!!! the bees are back!!!! if anybody needss to make a call, nows the time. i got a feoelinwell be workinlate tonight!!!!! here;;;s your change. have a greait afternoaon!! oan i heulp whos next???? would ulike some honey with that?? it is bee-approved. ddont fo r get these. milk, creuam, cheese, it;;;s all me . and i don;t see a nickel!! someti mes i just feel like a piec e of meat!!!!! i had no ideua. barry, im sorry. have ugot a momenn t?????? would ueuxcuse me??? my mosquito associaote will help you. sorry i;;;m late. he;s a law yer too??? i was already a blood-suckinparasite. all i needed wwwaas a brieafcasei. ha ve ao great afttternoon!!!! barry, i just got this huge tulip order, and i can;t get them anywhere. no problem, vannie. just leaave it to m e. you;;re a lifesavver, barry. oain i help whos n ext????? all right, scramble, jocks!!! it;;s time to fly. thank yo u, barry!!!!! that bee is livinmy life!!!! let it go, kenny. - when will this nightmare end????!!!! - let it all go. - beautiful day to fly. - sure is. bet we e n uand mei, i was dyinto get out of t hat of fice. uhave goot to stairt thinkinbbee, my friendd. - thinkinbee!!!! - me????? hold i t. let;s jus t sto p forrr a s econd. hold it. im sorry. i;m sorry, everyo ne. oaon we stop here???? i;m not makina major liefe decisio n durina production number!!!! all right. take ten, everybody. wrap it up, guy s. i had virrtually no rehearsal for that.

[sadrien]

Ok so YES I love the long distance internet friends au but consider! Long distance wrong number au

honestly anon, thank you so much for this tonight. 

i took long distance and made it loooooong distance to the point where it probably doesn’t make sense, but ~~suspension of disbelief~~

texts between adrien and the mystery person (wow i wonder who) are in italics because theyre in french. also i didnt want to bother anyone so ‘numéro inconnu’ is from google translate so im sorry for….that

finally i tried to streamline how i do texts for this just because the way i do texts is usually a lot clunkier? so it looks more like wanna chat but isnt in like….the contact names are still what the other person would see? like when it says pretty boy thats ninos contact name for adrien and—

frick just tell me if its too confusing and tell me how to fix it im really tired

[on ao3 in case the read more is a butt and wont open]

2:51 PM unknown number: Did this work????? unknown number: a;slkdfjadj its me btw unknown number: I mean duh its me who else would it be unknown number: If you screenshot this conversation al I swear to go d Ill kill you

Adrien squints at his phone. Not only does he not know this number, but the text are in French. That’s…unusual. He thinks that it’s a lucky coincidence that his father is from France and insisted he learned the language before replying.

2:52 PM numéro inconnu: I think you might have the wrong number. numéro inconnu: Sorry if my French is bad I don’t speak it often and I write it even less

unknown number: Ohmogd unknown number: IM SOSO RRY  IDNT MEAN OT unknown number: AHHHHH I MUSTCE TYPED IT IN WRONG???????? unknown number: Im sorry IM osrry Im sorry Im s orry Im sorry!!!!!!!!!! ; ^ ;

It takes Adrien a minute to translate the texts with the typos. He’s not nearly as fluent as he thought he was. His dad will be thrilled about that. Maybe he needs to mention to Nathalie that starting Chinese has left him a little rusty with his French…

Not that this is going to be a thing. Because it’s not. He’s not going to keep texting some random stranger from— Wait a minute.

2:54 PM numéro inconnu: On the off chance of sounding really stalkery numéro inconnu: (I’m not sure if that’s the right word, I had to use Google Translate) numéro inconnu: Do you live in France?

Yup. That question is just as creepy as it sounded in his head. Adrien spins slowly in his chair as he waits for a response, completely disregarding the homework he needs to have done before he leaves for fencing.

2:57 PM unknown number: Ummm unknown number: I dont know if i should be telling you this random stranger I texted by accident unknown number: But seeing that its a big country unknown number: ANd idk how youd find me to like murder me or something unknown number: Yes. Im from France unknown number: Why??

3:01 PM numéro inconnu: It’s just that numéro inconnu: I live in the United States so… numéro inconnu: I’m trying to figure out how you got a wrong number that…wrong numéro inconnu: That sounded mean I’m sorry!!!!!!!

Adrien puts down his phone and groans. Scaring people off from literally an ocean away. He’s always known he’s not the greatest at socializing but this is some next level shit. He stares at his darkened phone screen for a minute before deciding that whoever he’s been texting is probably extremely weirded out and won’t be replying.

He’s strangely disappointed by that.

And while he could go back to doing physics work, he’s not going to. Because now he’s distracted and he doesn’t really want to be thinking about sound waves right now. Maybe in like fifteen minute, because sound waves are cool and add a whole new layer to music that he kind of loves, but not right this second.

The next time his chair spins past the desk, he grabs his phone and pulls up his conversation with Nino.

3:09 PM pretty boy: Have you ever been texted by someone who has the wrong number before?

duuuude: yup duuuude: it was weird af duuuude: didnt turn into a full convo cause they never responded

pretty boy: What did they send?

duuuude: a rad horse painting and the message ‘jen painted another horse’

pretty boy: Ok wow yeah that is kind of weird

duuuude: yeah i didnt respond duuuude: but then the next day they asked about florida?? and flooding??? and were like yo have you seen or called anyone and i was like oh shit i should probably respond because this seems important incase theyre looking for someone

pretty boy: Yeah that sounds like a smart move pretty boy: Did you ever hear back from them

duuuude: nah duuuude: unfortunate too i wouldve loved to see more horse drawings duuuude: anyway that was kinda a random question any reason why you ask?

pretty boy: I got a text from a wrong number pretty boy: From France

duuuude: what the fuck duuuude: bruh international texting fees duuuude: good thing youre rich my dude

pretty boy: Nah it’s ok it was all iMessage

duuuude: bless duuuude: so was it like duuuude: in french

pretty boy: Yup

duuuude: aw man you lucked out duuuude: is it like a full conversaiton??

pretty boy: Idk they haven’t responded in like 15 minutes pretty boy: It was nice while it lasted

duuuude: :/ rip

Adrien blinks in surprise when a notification from the unknown number pops up at the top of the screen. He clicks it immediately, not even reading any of the text before he does.

3:27 PM unknown number: I dont?????? KNow???????????? unknown number: My friend got a new phone and wrote her number on my arm but her writing is always kinda a mess and also I smudged the numbers because IM a mess and I unknown number: Somehow???? unknown number: PLUS I managed to add the us country code????

numéro inconnu: Well I’m pretty sure that’s just a 1 so that’s understandable

unknown number: And any other numbers I needed??? Hwo did I?? unknown number: I don t know how I did it D: unknown number: Ohmy god and I just realized you probably dont want a million texts from a total stranger in a language you barely speak?? unknown number: IM SO SORRY ILL STOP NOW unknown number: YOU SEEM REALLY NICE SORRY FOR WASTING YORU TIME unknown number: OK BYE

3:36 PM numéro inconnu: It’s fine! numéro inconnu: My dad is actually from Paris so I do know French numéro inconnu: I can’t really say I’m totally fluent in it but I spoke it a lot when I was little numéro inconnu: This is good practice! numéro inconnu: And you’re weren’t wasting my time at all, I promise

Good going, Agreste, he thinks to himself. Over enthusiastic and weird. He tries not to think about it too much and goes back to physics. Physics with its constant equations and complex numbers and waves and waves and waves and waves. It gets a little easier when he’s able to connect it to something he knows. He can hear frequency in his music and beats when he tries to tune instruments. He finds his fingers itching to spread across the black and white piano keys and lose themselves in the music.

By the time Nathalie is calling him for fencing, he’s mostly forgotten about the conversation he had with the stranger across the sea. Not entirely, it’s still in the back of his mind, but he’s moved past the disappointment of likely never speaking to them again. While he’s fencing, his mind has no room for those thoughts and he throws them away. He won’t be needing them again.

When Adrien checks his phone after practice for schedule updates from Nathalie or texts about the weekend from Nino, he finds a single text in French at the bottom of his pile of notifications.

He can’t stop himself from smiling as he opens it. He’s not exactly sure what time it is in France right now, he assumes it’s fairly late and doesn’t expect a response anytime soon, but he replies quickly anyway. His reply is short and simple, but he doesn’t know what else to say, so it’ll have to be enough for now.

Maybe this is a one time thing. Maybe it isn’t. He’d like it to be the latter, but right now, he’s just winging it.

4:02 PM unknown number: Well if youre really really sure… I mean I wouldnt be talking to you often obviously!!! But it might be cool to know more about America? Ive always wanted to visit and wow this probably is super weird and Im so sorry for that like this conversation hasnt been weird enough already ahahahhhhhhhhh but um. I just mean to say that if you wanted to maybe keep talking I wouldnt mind?

5:19 PM numéro inconnu: I’d love to keep talking if you want to! :)

[lesbianyennefer]

ok ive finished andromeda and so im gunna collate my final gathered thoughts below:

All in all its been a good game but for the first time in my life in not just a mass effect but a bioware game i dont LOVE it i cant even say i think its very good - ive even been edging on outright disinterest and boredom at various points throughout. bioware games for all their faults have always made me get fully into their stories get completely immersed in the world and in mass effects case in their characters too. but andromeda is the first time ever that i find myself saying if someone asked me how good it was i would say meh. if someone asked me how the latest installment in my favourite thing to exist on this planet was i would say meh. as someone who for whom the original trilogy is genuinely my favourite thing in existence there arent words for how much it upsets me. im not even like ‘i wanna play again!!!’ like i usually am because im usually still so immersed in the world. here are some thoughts and delving deeper into the things that stood out to me:

- the writing: its poor. there have been a few funny moments and lines and most of the main quest dialogue lines are good but compared to what we are used to from mass efefct it PALES. only one moment of real enjoyment stands out to me in the entire game and that was the movie night one - of the only moments in the game I got happy about like the original trilogy. the writing for dialogue not just with npcs but with companions is often clunky, nonsensical, boring and adds nothing to furthering knowledge/relationships. i honestly couldnt tell you a lot about many of them because the conversations didnt pertain to actually getting to know them. it says in the codex that they all consider me close friends but its never been mentioned that they even considered me one nor can i recall when the friendship actually got going or how we reached the ‘close’ part. similarily a lot of criticism from critics was about the base elements being rehashed from the original and its true. so much has just been copy pasted from the ot in a way that actually makes this version less interesting. the big ‘reveals’ in the story are also so badly done that when jaal mentioned the angara were made by the jaardun is it? i didnt have a wow moment like mass effect has given me in the past i was so confused by everything going on i was just like what? nobody seemed to make a big deal out if either considering an entire race just found out they were genetically engineered. the only real ‘wow’ moment i had in the game was finding out ellen ryder was still alive and jien garson was murdered and even then you cant tell anyone and its pretty much forgotten!! ryder knows that jien was murdered by possibly this benefactor who seems to have ulterior motives for all of them and she also knows the reapers invaded and as far as shes aware eradicated the entire milky way. maybe thats something that should be shared with leadership hmm? (as much as i hate tann)  

- the plot: touching on the last the plot was, to me, nothing to write home about. ive always enjoyed that mass effect has a linear storyline that you get stuck into and follow through at a good pace. now i know they said andromeda was going to be more exploration based game - which i would normally like! - but not when the exploration has almost nothing to do with the main story and is so fucking much that you could play for 3 days 12 hours a day and not get to the next bit of the main storyline!! when you space it out too much the audience - or i - loses all connection with the sporadic main plot and what we are actually supposed to be doing so much so that by the time you go to play the next segment you dont even really know why youre there or whats going on. similarly the plot never made me go :O which the ot did a lot. an example ive mentioned before is that seeing the citadel always makes me go ahhh!!! the nexus by comparison is pretty boring. despite its flaws i love the storyline surrounding the reapers and it always gets me each time i play. sitting her writing this if you asked me to detail the main plot of andromeda i honestly couldnt. i cant remember what i did or in which order. theres no substance or linearity.  

- the exploration: i again cant believe im saying this but swtor a mmo game from 2011 has more interesting open worlds with more MANAGEABLE and relevant side quests than andromeda. they might be beautiful but none of the worlds stood out to me - though i loved elaaden and the downed remenant ship star wars reference. i dont mind doing a few bland side quests but when there in the 50s and they lead you on goose chases across entire planets i begin to get agitated. i cant recall the amount of times i had to go back to planets like kadara for one 5 minute firefight and a couple of lines of dialogue. going through the galaxy map animations, the landing animations, the lift down to the slums then crossing the threshold to actually reach the map to THEN find your destination? yeah im pretty done by then.    

- side quests: tying into the above side quests! bioware hinted theyd learned a lesson from dai and taken inspiration from the witcher 3 for their approach to side quests and they appear to have done neither. there are MORE side quests than there were in dai and i actually didnt mind dais but andromedas have become an issue for me - probably because there were so godamn many. they dont have any baring on the story and they are bland and uninteresting mostly fetch quests. i hate bringing the witcher into this because i dont like giving praise to cd projekt red but the truth is bioware could stand to ACTUALLY learn from the witcher 3. the side quests in that are small in number, long in plot and actually connected to the main story. they dont make you feel like youre straying from the plot, their content is deep and very good and they quite often have major consequences. see triss’ quests in novigrad.  one thing i will say is they did seem to take a little of the last into andromeda. some choices have consequences ie saving the salarians over the krogan. that was pretty cool but still underdeveloped. 

- the relationships: by the end of the story i  can say I love all my squadmates despite the fact that i feel like i barely got the chance to know them (the only one il say i dont know at all well enough to love em is gil who has no content aside from the incredibly uncomfortable jill storyline and i wonder why hes the negelected one hmm?). i loved how they moved around and talked to each other but the amount of times i went round to see them and they had nothing to say was a LOT compared to the fact that in me3 everytime you went to see someone they had something (or multiple somethings) to say often without having to enter into a cutscene style animation just to see if they actually want to talk. in terms of romantic relationships ( i romanced peebee) i was disappointed by how little your romanced companion interjects on the story. at least in peebees case there was very little content and she seemed hardly bothered when my ryder got injected then killed herself and then died AGAIN to save them aside from a little snarky “hands off” comment when the archon grabbed her face. she mentioned a little bit back on the ship but compared to me3 and how liara/garrus/ash/kaidan would interject a lot on mission and have hints to their romance sprinkled throughout it felt like another forgotten thing. not one person on the ship mentioned me and peebee aside from a quick thing from sam when i went to see him in my cabin. also jazzed up sex scenes dont mean anything if the rest of the relationship is bland and overlooked. i prefer liara and sheps me3 scene 10x over peebees (my little gay heart still cries). 

- the music: WHERE WAS THE MUSIC??!?! one of my favourite things about games FULLSTOP and the cherry on top of mass effect has always been the music. to this day i love the atmosphere that noveria creates and vigil makes me fucking cry. the suicide mission gets me pumped and leaving earth leaves a gaping hole in my chest. (diverting a bit even dai had fantastic music. in hushed whispers, the lost temple and thedas love theme are among my faves.) aside from the heleus galaxy map music and the ambient from that one destroyed planet i cant recall a single piece of music that stood out. i can remember about 3 tunes overall the map, the main menu and the one that plays a lot when you fight kett. there wasnt even any proper ambient music for the worlds!!!!! there arent words for how upset i am that theres no fucking mission themed bangers. im just really sad about this.       

i think at the end of the day a big reason for me why i havent loved it is because as ive said before it doesnt feel like mass effect to me. to a pretty great extent i think the reason for this is the decision to move to the Andromeda galaxy. the absence of shep and the crew and the normandy is another huge factor but rather unavoidable in terms of continuing the games, but moving to andromeda has robbed the series of everything that made it mass effect. the mass relays, the citadel, the council, the alliance, earth, thessia, palaven they all made mass effect mass effect. Not to mention the quarians (one of my fave races ever), the drell, the volus, hanar, batarians, vorcha they were all a part of what mass effect IS. even the architectural style of the colonies, the nexus its all different and it doesnt have any connection to the ot and the world it created. andromeda feels like its own game completely unrelated to mass effect and one that when considered on its own has an incredibly shaky foundation and sporadic storytelling. at the end of the day it was fun to pass the time but as a huge mass effect fan i feel it was incredibly disappointing and to be quite honest i dont consider it a part of the mass effect i love.   

[lil-stingyy]

the turns have tabled on my life

last year, same day today, April 1st, I recieved a confirmation that i actually passed the entrance exam of the most prestigious school in our country. great, yes, but the take is that. i never actually imagined to. so i moved on the moment i finished the exam knowing i was hopeless and applied on other colleges. i made it to one,without any tuition fee, along with my friends and actually planned my future on that university. i got my life planned and im happy and contented with ,my decisions

BUT

last year happened and upcat results happened and my once planned future suddenly vanished and i was filled with confusion and bombarded with self-doubt and other negative thoughts- I broke down.

This is me that day, looking like shit because i dont know what to do. risk???

University of the Philippines (which i know, has really high standards because of my sister’s experience and the feels it gave during its entrance exam and just the fucking name itself. ITS THE COUNTRY’S TOP FUCKING UNIVERSITY!!!) or Carlos Hilado Memorial State College (uhm, not as scented as UP of course, but still, it’s a state university and i passed my dream course and the institution;s not that bad actually, it actually got a name on national levels too, but still,,,, how do you compare that to Up???)

Also, everyine’s congratulating me while i dont even know how to respoind and how to silence the voices in my kind.

also, my parents of course said that they will support me whichever ill choose but im not dumb enough to not know that they are secretely wishing for me to choose UP because well. you know the reasons, and also because of my sister;s experiences on that prestige school.

but

it was really a huge risk for someone like me who’s not competitive and didnt took her high school education seriously, you know, that student that barely gets by but still manage to pass. actually not just pass. but i managed to make it ot the top. DONT BE FOOLED. hasha im smart, but not that smart, our school’s just not hard enough for students to fail and not strict enough for students to actually pay attention and i hated it because i was turned into this chill kid not caring what will happen because of bring confident to pass whatever happens.

and taht is not the qualifications of a UP student.

(and i got a feeling, i can just continue with that negative attitude and still get a degree on chmsc with my dream course, but just, not in UP)

thats why im hella scared because im not prepared for bigger things to happen. im angry because my perfectly planned life was ruined by something i dont know what to do about and i really hate not knowing and i was so FUCKING CONFUSED I LITERALLY CRIED MY FUCKING BROWN EYES OUT. i cried for hours and days asking god for guidance what to do with my miserable life but in the end 

i actually chose to risk my comfort zone for world-class education.

This is me. A year later the turns have tabled in my life.

this bitch.

(admit it, i actually got prettier hahahahha jk)

but anyway this is me now. stil a strong independent woman BUT now more nationalistic, a critical thinker, more awakened citizen of the country, now calling out the evr incompetence of the government.

dont get me wrong. i already love the Philippines before i got into UP. and im firm with my ideologies. i HATED THE CURRENT GOVERNEMNT EVEN WHEN I WAS JUST 16, until now. And I did nothing about it. thats how useless i am back then.

UP did not brainwashed me into hating the government and fighting for it, in any ways possible. IT MADE ME REALIZE MORE. sure there are political orgs trying to recruit you and make you yell and raise placards with foul words against the government and social issues. BUT YOU DONT NEED TO JOIN THOSE MOBS TO ACTUALLY SHOW THAT YOU TOO HAVE BEEN AWAKENED TO THE TRUTH THAT THERE MUST BE A VOICE THAT SHOULD START THE BATTLECRY OF THE OPPRESSED. THE CRY OF THE MASS AND THOSE BEING TRAMPLED ON BY THE CAPITALIST GOVERNMENT. 

hahahahahahah

now you see how the turns have tabled. this post started as a personal reminder of the decisoins ive done and turned out to be a political rant and i cant blame you (my dear reader) to actually hate me for it (HASHAHAHAHAHAH bold of me to assume that there are actually people whi’s going to read lomg posts of insignificant people like me),

but ok. what im trying to say is i that im actually happy that i risked my perfectly planned future for an unknown path. And now, i deadass learned a lot from the pretige school. Academically, especialy because i honestly got pressured to do so much more than my limit and work hard on everything, do things on my own, trust only the right people, having only 2 real friends and fucking failing despite all the hardworks youve done. and also being a good citizen :-) something i probably dont give a damn about if i stayed with the same poeple ive been around with, if im still dependent on my parents, if i did not explore the new world alone, and did not get educated about the needs of other people,

the bottom line is 

maybe e should actually choose to be more and consider the greater things we could do if we step out of our comfort zone???

yah, thats what im trying to imply.

with the 2 attached photos, i could say that i had my glow up, yass gurl. you sparkling, but thankfully i actually did grow up ;-)

and now im stuck in quarantine with all these pandemic lockdowns without knowing what to do next in school because all types of classes has been suspended and im so stupid i did not study the whole quarantine perios lawrd help.

lawrd help us to overcome this pandemic, uhuhuu, im so priviledged that i just sit here typing aggressively  on my bed, in our house, with my family, with a month supply of food and there are people outside that cant actually quarantine themselves because, well they dont have a home,huhu, please help them make it through lord. please make the local leaders realize that they need extra help that those who are fortunate enough (uhm, the leaders themselves?) and also the politicians lord, local and national level CAN THEY NOT EXPLOIT THIS DISASTER FOR THEIR OWN GAINS oh lord please plesae please help the poor and make the rich realize their privileges. also give more power to those on on tyhe workfore, help tyhe medical experts and the volunyeers lord. heheheheheheh

and now it ended with a motherfucking prayer.\

\.

-unproductive queen, young and sweet, stuck in quarantine

[onisrn]

Right so im aboutta rant and maybe just write out possibly all my thoughts here from the past week okay cue:

So lets start from where i amn right now. Im in self care mood: Ive got the salt lamp and my bedside lamp on, my pink faiyrlights on, my scented Yankjee candle lighted, a mug of milky mint hot chocolate next to the laptop, my room smells of vanilla because i put on that air freshener thing (the one that you plug in), Ive got sami yusuf playing (Inna fil jannati). The reason for my self-care-y-ness: i was feeling real bad about the past and how i let certain people just idk you know what im on about see the last post (mahena).

So thats what was bothering me when i came home. My friends whjo i told (komal and zaynab reza) were so incredibly nice to me and i miss them so much (zbr is in isloo but yk still) and i wish we met each day lijke we used to and i wish i valued them more and i wish i valued the people who care about me and not fiocus on the bad stuff from yuears ago so much. anyway im good nbow. inshallah.

honestly man teenagers do not get enough credit for the stuff we go through. like not me per se i guess i bgvecame kinda strong after olevels and decided to get my priorities right and stuff and majorly that was because of my religiousd family. but what about the other people my age? like just all the hoprmones and the mood swings that are not your fault. and the crushes (wqait for it. next to next para) and the just trying to figure out who you are and stru8ggling eith confidence and choosing what you want to do in life and friends and all that drama asnd insecurities and man just growing up. and then theres the added like boyfriends and what not who dont have religion or who are in families where its fine or whatever. like mahena hgerself must be going through/havwe gone through quite some ish like boyfriend and friends and rama and boys that like you zand dealing with them and all that crtap and peer pressure and its so much harder to not do gunahs depending on who you hang out with and the studoes are so difficukt and stressful and the responsibiulities and it’s not fun being too young for some thingsd and too old for some ugh teenagers deserve more credit man. but evrrything becomes a hundred thousand times better when i knowe that i hgave allah and the imams and the prophet and quran. but what about those who dont have that connection with allah and they dont know to develop it? im blessed that im from a religious family and i was fortunate enough top get my priorities kinda right but wehat about the poeople who dont have relihgion or allah? i honestlyt dont understand how pople can function or survive e=ven a second without having that “there is something greater than this” feeling. I feel so bad for people my age i love thjem so much theyre so dstrong  ❤ (ok i dont love them i hate ppl my age but yk we dont get credit asnd we go tyhrough some ish that we just need to get through ourselves in most cases opr take advice from friends our age whop also dont reaslly know what theyre on about)

honestkly man i feel like if someone needs a soulmate at any age its when youre a teenager. youre just going through so much and all alone. sometimes you just need someone wholl loisten to y7ou and give you advice and who you know wont judge you and who your insecurities shut up with. Like yeah i know youre too young to be married in all senses and have kids etc etc and ypouire not mature enough to choose who you sopend the rest of your life with but like, skipping all that if you find the person somehow and tehyre perfect for u etc etc then it would just be so cool to have someone at this age idk i feel. anyway this got weird **I dont want to get married right now disclaimer disclaimer**

ok on a totally unrelated topiuc theres this guy in both business and econ and i really dont want to talk about it or itllk drill it in more gut yeah theres really nothing to tell. theres this guy in biz and econ whos kinda cute not hot like cute in a cute lil boy way its quite endearing but yeah you guessed it i maybe kinda like idk idek why 

you know what? since we came back from iran sometimes I’ll be in class (business. it’s boring and the last class so i be tired) so while im in class sometimes ill start crying (not all out, like no one sees me (I hope)) because i just want be there sdo bad. first ot was iran, qom, but now i want to go to karbala so badly i just die to go there ive never wanted to be there so bad away from this worldy life i want to go to the land thats a piece of jannah i want to be away from this worldy fickle life i want to be close to my imams i dont mind if its karbala or even iran or umrah i have a poster of imam husayn’s haram in my room and i look at it and cry and i have the Karbala chgannel thing on snapchat and they keep posting snaps where theres just standing in the middle of baynul haramayn and the dome in front and people walking by and i want to be there so bad my heart breaks and yearsn to be there but icant go there at least till june because the cruel CIE people kept one last small 1 hpour MCQs exam way in June so that my exams are just hanging in the air not dfinished until that dratted paper and im stuck here anyway probably for the better buyt i want to be there so bad i cant express it 

today i was reading in mikyal what it will be like when the imam comes and he will call out to the people in th emiddle opf the night and theyll be in worship or asleep and theyll hear him and will all reach Makkah and i want that so bad but im scared what if i falter at the last minute what if im not strong enough what if i lose sight of the ultimate goal that is Allah what is my own worldly desires cloud my vision what if I’m not strong enough Im so scaswred fopr that time man all my sins will cpount against me i so scared i wont be on my side im so scared ill falter at the last minute or pride of my deeds will cloud up my vision or make everyuthing worthless im so scared what if i falter

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[anonymously-complicated]

I'm at a loss.

So, yesterday was my little sisters birthday. When i say little sister i mean half, and i only say half so that you understand when i say we haven't seen one another enough to be closer. Well, with that being said i had no clue it was her birthday until after my family made plans to go to my husbands best friends daughters birthday party. And i wouldve never known it was my sisters birthday if my great grandmother didnt give me the "you better see her, her moms taking her to North Carolina for good." So ofcourse i tried to over exert myself by trying to do it all when really i just wanted to be lost in a black hole. Forgive me for being selfish, when your a mom selfishness seems even more evil. So i said you know what im going to go to this birthday for my husband, then I'll pick Lena up and we'll have a sleep over. On the way to the birthday party i just wasn't myself. Because i just wanted to be alone. I wanted to make myself understand that what was happeneing with my grandma was real. On the way home from the birthday i remember stopping at this stop light and looking over. To my right was this old white lady driving, and her old black friend riding. And in that moment i thought "why do you get to wear that age? Why do you get to be 75 to 80? What did you do? Did you save lives? Console people? Were you a good person at all?" I sat there and in that moment, stripped those women down to just purposes and it was wrong. I thought to myself how nothing they did could amount to the person you are. And i wasnt sorry for it. I got home, dropped off my husband and went to pick up my little sister. Because if i didnt- I'd be the worst, even though i knew i wasnt up for it. I took her to walmart to pick out her own gift, whatever she wanted but it had to be a necklace. Her eyes were fixated on crosses and i felt guilty when i asked what about thise heart , "No, you have a cross, i want a cross like you." Yeah guilty. Only if she knew the mental warfare going on in my mind about my faith. I think God is sighing. But, i got her the cross anyhow. I wanted to get her a necklace so that when she moved and was upset or confused, shed do what i did. Close my eyes, grab my necklace and breath. Granted i always thought about my grandma and her peace when i grabbed mine, and she shouldn't grab hers and think of me because im not quite knitted right now. We got home and i just gave up on trying to be the cool older sister. I agreed to get up early and do pottery instead. So i got up at 8:30, woke her up and the thing needed batteries, ofcourse i was so wrapped up in thinking i didnt read the thing! But she thought sleeping in was better any ways. So as she laid back down i get a text from my mom. "Grandma is in the hospital". So i called. Fluid in her lungs and stomach she says. Doctors pumped 4 big bottles out and she feels better, but that wasnt a good sign. Ofcourse. Its a sign of the times. I thought trying to get out of my head and into a song thatd distract me. And ofcourse i did what i always do. I asked a 1000 questions. Which always pisses my mom off. And to think of it i do that to find a solution. Like when you walk in a room and play out scenarios and what you'd do if they happened. I try to find an escape route for this thing thats hurting her. And get frustrated when I'm met with "no sheyene i dont know.I'm gonna let you go sheyene." I picked my head up and kept trying. I walked in the room, got julian dressed and lena ready to go get lunch and to head to my nanas. Because i didnt know what else to say. I didnt wanna talk at all. I don't still. So i thought nana can distract us, put us to work ot just simply talk so Lena doesnt feel so awkward being with someone not saying much. I'm with nana for a few hours until my mom calls. I answer but she sniffling so bad my heart dropped, "mom you have to stop crying so i can understand you. Whats going on??" It takes her a second, i walk to my car. "It's stage three right now sheyene, Brittany was right. " i asked what the treatment plan was. She told me they wont know until tomorrow if its stage four but if it is there is no surgery. Only chemo. No i said. I said what do u mean? They can do chemo then surgery to remove whats left. She started to get louder no they cannot sheyene the shit spreads ok. "Mom you're not around grandma are you?" She wasn't.I knew she was hurt. But i wanted to know why were they not gonna try everything. I let het off the phone. Cried. Then decided to call my grandma. I asked her how she was doing. She said better, she can actually lay on her sides which she hasn't done for months. I asked her if she was worried, "no but everyone else seems to be". I wanted to tell her i wasn't that i knew she was strong. But i was. So i said as long as youre not grandma then you'll be okay because you're spirit has to be right for you to fight this. She repeated how she was able to lay on her side for the first time in a while. I then asked why didn't you tell us you were hurting this bad ive seen you alot and you never told me. "Because i was trying to handle it". That hurt. That hurt alot but i dropped the questions and let her know id be up there this week. Maybe sit through a chemo with her. Not once did i think maybe she doesnt wanna do chemo. My grandma is in her 50s. Shes not over her life enough to say well she lived a good one. No. Shes young. And for someone so dedicated to helping everyone, paying everyone's way, a lover of God. I just dont understand. And as i drive home, because i couldn't save face anymore or try to be a hostess i just wanna wreck everything. I wanna fight something i cannot see. Something i do not completely understand. I wanna break everything because i wanna feel my hands change something. And im just confused.

[bjornartesttest]

July 2017

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General

So, summer is almost over, and quite a few things has happened during the 2 months time it has been since I write the last time. Ot - that means, not any MAJOR things, but still some progress in different directions. I am currently sitting at a Quatar Airways flight brom Dar Es Salam to Berlin, via Doha (where I have a 7 hour night layover….) after 3 weeks of summer holiday. 

I started of in Tel Aviv for 10 days with Vegar, Sigbjørn, Benni, Vik, Kristoffer and Julia. We shared a big nice apartment close to the Old Town. I had my own room, we had 3 balconies, a huge rooftop, a large nice kitchen and several bathrooms. Perfect base even though we were based a bit far from the center of the town. I personally liked the old town more though so fine by me. Tel Aviv is a fantastic city. It has some of the best food Ive ever tasted, a beautiful san beach that follows though the whole city, a vibrant night life, humble, proud and open people and a rich history. I was unsure about how I would feel about visiting Israel beforehand because of Palestina, but I am glad I came. The people I met had all sorts of different backgrounds. They are not the politicians, and seemed just as frustrated about the situation as everyone else. Having that said, I guess its only so much you can take in during 10 short days. We also had a trip to Jerusalem. We did not do enough research, so my impression of the city was quite messy and exhausting. I am glad we went either way, though I probably wont go back there. Tel Aviv also have beautiful, passionate men.. I met a few while there. One arabic guy that was a bit younger then me. He invited me over for cake and showed me his Mind Craft world.. He had made houses for all hes previous love interests. A bit weird I must say, but he was also a interesting guy. Not something to go forward with though lol. The second guy I met was mega hot, inteligent, tall spanish guy. He had been living in Tel VAiv the last 5 years, studying Arabic and foreign relations. He was planning to move to Iraq to follow a minority group up there in some time, I think I will go to visit him. Anyways - it was some of the hottest sex Ive had in a long long time. He was bottom (the perfect), but also had an amazing cock, mouth.., evertying. We had sex twice right after eachtother. I had to do a Skype interview over phone for a job offer in Beijoing (more about that later), and because I ran out of time, I had to have it at his place. A bit weird to go though my whole professional life in a Skype interview in front of him, but I think he took it well. A few days later I met a tall, a bit sturdy, beardy Israely/turkish guy. Also very handsome. I invited him over to the apartment when everyone else was out and we had sex all over the place. In the sofa, and the kitchen table… The lats night I had a quick hookup with a tall israeli psycho terapist. Was fun and a nice ending of a nice trip. Very fun. 

Anyways. enough about the Tel Aviv boys. Poor Vegar and Sigbjørn both got food poisoned after 2 days and ended up at the hospital. They stayed home most of the time, though we did have some fun times too. Unfortinuatley I managed to get in the middle of a drunken row they had. Ive now learned to NEVER get involved in other peoples love life. It got heated! We talked about it though, and it was all good the next day. I got alone time with everyone on the trop except Bennedicte. She was out partying til 9 every morning and were a bit to moody for my taste. Interesting enough she was the one who were the least easygoing, with is funny as she talked so much about who else that could potentially be moody before hand. Honestly I find herself a bit selfish from time to time, or a bit closed in her own world. I guess we all are though… Kristoffer met A LOT of boys during the trip. More then me. I felt a bit strange about it, as I am very good friends with his boyfriend in Norway Harald. The last nigght, he even brought one of his dates for dinner, and sat kissing with him openly infant of everyone. How can he expect us all to just forget about that? If he wants to leve things in Tel Aviv, then he should keep his stuff in the bedroom, and not drag his boyfriends best friends into it. I wont mention it to anyone ever, but I totally lost a lot of respect for Kristoffer after seeing that. Fuck that shot. Just no. Not ok. I hope he breaks up with Harald when he gets home if thats how he feels. If nothing else, I hope they have a proper talk and manage to fight it out and then move on. I dont really see them lasting if its as dark as this. As for Vik, we had a great time togehter. She is so funny and easy going, and made sure that everyone had a good time, all the time. Never put herself first. She also openly went on Tindr dates while there (with blessing from her boyfriend). All these poor guys that she used for tips and guides and free drinks, before she dropped them off. She didn't even exchange a kiss.. hilarious.As forJulia, we also had a super nice day together at this swanky rooftop. Im happy she joined. only bad thing about tel Aviv was the prices btw. Equally expencive as Norway! Last day I spent with Liat, Klauses goof friend from London. She's a funny, stress woman. She's sper nice, but a bit intense and talkative in her own way. Nice, but one day was enough! 

After Israel, the trip went to Nairobi, via Jordan and Quatar. I had a long trip, but managed to both get sleep and relax. In Nairobi Carmen was waiting for me together with Sigur, the guy we were lucky enough to stay with. He is a close friend of Maren, and hes half Norwegian/Kenyan so he hes family has a few houses in Nairobi and close to the Uganda border. Superduper sweet 24 year old guy. Hes been based in london the last few years, where he has built himself up a name in the fashion PR / Producer industry, but after a long though and a realisation about what matters ib life he has decided to drop it all and start to study development studies back in Norway from the fall. An old sole for his young ange, even though the 24 year old came out from time to time. Anyways, we staid in their villa in Nairobi. Huge house in the richest part of town. We lied there for free with servants, free food and all we could have wanted. Like living in a luxury hotel. After a few days in Nairobi, me and Car jetted of on a safari trip to Nairusha and Hells gate. One the way we ended up at the mandatory Kenyan police station expereince. Our driver had been speeding, and had to go to court 8!). Meanwhile me and Car went of on our own. We walked thought this random, poor, kenyan village and into a forest to check out a lake we found on the map. All of the sudden we found ourselves walking though a cactus forest, and then a ancient forests with a million bird sounds. So beautiful. After that we were suddenly standing on a filed full of zebras, giraffes, buffaloes, wild beast and more. Totally surreal… Turns out we had trespassed into one of the national parks, so a grad found us and helped us out and back to the policestation. Regardless - one of the more magical experiences of my life I think :-)

After picking up our driver we headed to Hells Gate. A national parks where you are clouded to bike (illeagl in all the others). Super nice trip, we were biking in between zepras, worth pigs, and more. I would definitely come back. After the bike ride we headed down in hells gate, a volcanic old water system. Also stunning. In the evening when we got home we had a drunken pianos session in Sigurs mums piano concert room. What a day and nigt. The next few days we explored Nairobi more, went to Gosepel church, went out line dancing on a tacky rooftop nightclub, Sigurs were friend hit heavily on me, we went to Karen Blixnes house, we went to some fancy restaurants and cocktail bars, and we got to meet Sigurs 92 year old father, as well as his amazing mom and step dad. What a family. We also almost ended up in jail and court after having taken a picture of a government building. I was so shocked by it that I was shivering. These two big guys with machine guns came out and started to harass me and Carnen. Luckily Carmen is a very lud, smart, tiny, cute asian woman, so she handled the situation like a star. I am SO impressed. After 45 minutes the police gave up and let us go. A good thing, as we were jumping on a plane to Lamu the next morning, so a sleep over at the police station and court hearings would have ruined our trip.

Lamu is one of the most beautiful places Ive ever seen. I will definelty come back. Its a unesco protected, muslim old trading island on the border to Somalia. It used to have loads of tourists, but now its very poorly visited due to recent terror atacks in the Lamy district closer to Somalia. We felt 100% safe, and 500 % amazed. Ive never seen nature like it. Also very cheap. We went for sunset runs, sailboat rides, luxury hotel hangouts, drinks, we showed alcohol at the local police station (only place where they sold it at the islands) and took boat taxiss. There are no cars at the island. After Lamu, we went back to Nairobi for one night, before we said bye to Sigur and headed to Airusha and Tanzania for 3 days of safari, Also an amazing experience. Its insane that there are areas in the wold where so many species live freely, in huge numbers in full harmony. We met hundreds on hundreds of zebras, wildebeests and elephants, We met lions, strutser, hyenas and monkeys. All in harmony. The landscape was varied and beautiful. We even went into a old vulcani crater caller ngroro ngoro. Supposedly it ha the widest range of animals gathered in one area in the world!

After the safari trio it was time ti say goodbye to Carmen. We have now known each other for 10 years, so this trip was sort of out anniversary. She wrote me this beautiful letter the day we parted, where she said that I have been a big inspiration for her to make her take the choices in life that she has done the last 5 years. Honestly . the most flattering and heartf´worming thing anyone has ever written to me. Carmen is a sister to me now. I love her :-) We will potentially meet up in Cape town this winter. I hope so. It was a bit sad to send her of, but also a bit nice to have some time alone before heading home. I had one night in Arusha, and then one night and day in Dar Es Salam. I went around Arusah with a few local guys I met on the street. They showed me the markets and some charming areas of the city, In Dar, I just went for some indian food on my own and had a hookup with a hottie from South Africa. Before I met him I met up with another guy that I had to send home He sent me pictures of this tall handsome guy with a big dick, but when he turned up he was a midget with loads of aces and a micro penis. How delutional is it possible to be?? And how rude!!! Ugh.. Today, my lat day I went for manicure and pedicure, nd then had a beer at the bech. Dar is a strange town. I did not really like it I must admit. Very segregated between rich and poor, very expat, quite intense on the streets, and a lot of people in desperate pverty. If I come back I will make sure I have many days so I can get o meet and understand the locals a bit better. On my way to the flight I am now I almost lost the flight due t heavy traffic. A 30 min car drive ended up lasting for alsmot 2 hours… Anyways…. that was my holidays so far. Now Im headed to Berlin for 3 days before heading home to work on Tuesday. I have a good feeling about Berlin, but it will also be a bit interesting. I will meet and maybe stay over with a  really nice guy I have been dating from Oslo lately. He is there too and has rented a hotel room. I am supposed to stay with Goro, but I might trade her out for the boy… Lets see. Sigbjørn, Benni and Vegar is there also. So a big crew.

WORK

I manages to finish of most Bleed work before the summer. The main project being the Sikkerhet i NAturen one. I think it went well (minus too many hours), and we ended up as the main event on the NRK TV news. Not bad! After the summer most of my Bleed projects are pretty dull though… Cant say I am too excited. As for my freelance stuff, I have almost too much going on. between August and October I have to finish FAF festival catalogue + website, Im making a book for Rogaland Kunstsenter with More and Geir, Im doing concert  banners and t-shorts for Cezenando, finishing a website for Tove, Im helping More on a book project for National museet and I am making a ctakouge + some other effects for Oslo otobook festival. Its in reality too much too handle, so I need to find a way to deal with it. Another problem is tax… I have not yet pais any tax money, and am earning a lot. Ive decided to hire a Tax guy to do it the right way from now in. In total I think I will earn ca 100.000… Too much! But really good too, as I have set myself a goal - and that is to save 70.000,- NOK by the end of the year. The reason I want to save up is because I want to slowly start working more independently. I am planning to have a talk with Dag at Bleed about this after the holiday. My current plan is to start to ask for a 90% position at bleed, rather then 100. That means that I want to ask if I can work one day less per week. If he is not fie with that I have to try to negotiate though something else. I have to be super strict with myself to make this happen. It is NUMBER ONE priority after the summer. I dont wish to quit bleed, but in order to stay, I need to respect my need for creative development on my own terms. Hopefully him and them will understand this. I will try to make a little draft during the next following days to define what I want more closely. Other then that I have gotten a bit further with the planning for Grafill one night only concept. I want to invite BLAD (petri) and another new design duo in Oslo and see what they can come up with. Lets see what they can do. Start-up meeting in August.

FRIENDS

So Im shifting a bit away from having Benni as my closest. I guess this is maybe also because we dont work together anymore. The people I see the most right now is Tor Erik, Vegar, Sigbjørn and INgemar. I also see Agatha, Benni, Maren, Vik, Harald, Saga and Siri quite often. There is actually almost a bit too many close people now. I think I will have problems finding time to follow up after the summer. Maybe I need to take a little timeout from friends and focus one work and a few social things per week instead? Also, if I will keep on dating EManuel, that will for sure also demand time, and should be a priority. I guess dating someone is always a fair excuse :)

LIFE

I generally feel that I am on a swing upward atm. Probably because Ive done some thinking and decided to do some changes. Just the knowledge about that something will change and that its in my power to make that happen feels empowering somehow. I am also being more and more aware of my age, and that I am growing old, and not growing up any more. Its a strange thing. Its almost as if I feel I have to make the most out of it while Ive still got it. It feels a bit fucked up. There are all these new young people hoping up everywhere, and also suddenly my a bit older friends are pushing 40. There is a new generation taking over y’all… I guess I just have to exept it sooner then later. 

LOVE

So I just read though my previous post, and there I mentioned something about Ole. That was totally nothing more then a thought. He is a big flirt, has a super cute boyfriend and I think were becoming potential frineds. They invited me for their pride party, with was super fun. Lets see if we can make it into a real freindship. I also dated a guy called Ole Magnus briefly. We met 3 times. Had som great sex, and then I think we were just both over it. I was probably over it because I had met another really nice guy called Emanuel. Hes a dance teacher, my age from Norway. I sleep lik a baby when I am with him, he is really warm and kind, just enough insecure and vulnerable (I like vulnerable guys), but still sturdy, mature and also quite handsome I would say. He is quite masculin, but at the same time one of his main hobbies is to be a drag queen! We met around the time Oslo Prode was, so his life was a lot about dragging up around then. I was  bit unsure how I would feel about dating a guy that has a altered that is so different from the one I know and have met, but I also think what I saw was much more intense then what everyday life is. Ive decided that if we still date when hes having hes next show, I will show up and support. I think he is more p, but I think he has a good A in him too. Maybe I will find more out about this during the weekend in Berlin. I think he is really into me, but I dont want to over think it, and have decided that its great we are having such fun, and that I am looking forward to get to know him better. I think hes the best match Ive come across in quite some time. Having this said, we have only sent time together in t´hotel rooms, and its friends apartments that we have been looking after. So no regular life so far.

OTHER

Ive been renting out my apt at Air BNB this summer , summer thing I really regret. There has been construction work on the house, something that has lead to loads of nouce, dust and bad conditions in the flat Many of my guests has moved to after one day, and Ive had to do a lot of sweet-talking and reductions in price. Poor Maren said yes to look after the place, so she was dragged into it too. Ive promised to give her 500,- nok for each booking. A small price to pay after all that drama. Luckily she's kept it cool nd relaxed the whole way. 

Kritina has broken up with her trubadur boyfriend (Yes!), Agatha is back with her crazy boyfriend Henrik (No!!).. Mamma seems to be happy. Im going to Bergen for Linnis 90th, Heges 50th and Kristinas 40th in August.. So many travels. Im also heading to Moscow in September. I went to Lisboa in June. I was supposed to stay with a freind, but he had double booked and was out of town. He let me stay in his appartment, introduced me to his lovely frineds, who took me out for dinner, clubbing, gave me drugs and took me to museums. I also took with me home a tall swedish handsome guy. I think traveling on my own is my new thing. I will try to do it more. I feel so free doing so.

LIST

Make self analyzation form

Decide how to deal with Dag (make draft)

Make a proper working plan list for freelance

Hire an accountant

Buy russia tickets

Buy bergen tickets 

[lokbobpop]

Fail failure

1640s, failer, "a failing, deficiency," also "act of failing," from Anglo-French failer, Old French falir "be lacking; not succeed" (see fail (v.)). The verb in Anglo-French used as a noun; ending altered 17c. in English to conform with words in -ure

uncountable noun. Failure is a lack of success in doing or achieving something, especially in relation to a particular activity.

Fail f ail fai l f ale fa all

Failure fail lure f ailure

Writing failure

99.9 of my life ive been fight with the thoughts of being a failure and not good enough seeing myself being different at school from all others i see i locked onto this as a starting point of myself like this is where it all went wrong i was lead to believe i would be or do nothing so this is all I could ever be within me an i had to fight for all i could get my hands on from this point as i saw myself as not having what others had reading and writing and confidence i see now that i saw myself as having very little not enough and i would fight anyone who tried to take any of this away from me as i dotn have much i thought i see i would be jealous of women with my men and this created bad breath which i am walking myself out of right now because thi s has been the outcome of these thoughts of i have little which needs protecting bad breathe which started in my early teens fear of lose of what i have my first boyfriend.

Reading failure

I failed school I even got ungraded on some things so very low they couldn’t grade it i think that id past f i couldn’t believe how bad i was i t was awful to see this then i failed catering collage agin felt bad I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t do it.

So this has left me believing i ma a failure I expect things to not work because i have seen all things in the past not to work so why would i think any other way no one said hey try this out maybe you can do this or that no it wasn’t like that it was just you cant do it so you are this person and that was it.

Im not going ot live the life of a failure anymore it just doesnt suit me sure i cant read that well or write but thats just a small part of me the learning the memory there so much more top me than that i cant define my whole life on these small things if i do i have given up on myself for sure i i have to start creating myself it’s the only way for me to go.

Failure car test getting a job i love to help my husband out and so on.

Saying failure

I was but im not now yes i failed myself by believing i was a failure when i just hadn’t realized my full potential i had made this small part of my life be all my life that I couldn’t do anything without it so im a failure not seeing realizing what else i could be yes sure id like ot start agin knowing what i know now but i know what i know now for a reason i have worked ot get there noe i have ot olive her for the rest fo my life create from this try stuff out.

I worry Trinity thinks she is a failure because she cant read or write worse than myself i need ot help support her as i see sh has given up on herself and has not self motivation at all being told she cant do all the things she wants to.

We all to some level feel we are failures some just far worse than another i see and how we interpret that failure is what counts most.

Learn from my failure in life these are the starting grounds of what is best within one self to see which o hold a failure to bring them out to the light and say ok how can i live you better that can i do to show you you are not this person i need to see all my failures embrace all my failure to find me.

Failure to stop at a red light being stopped i dot thing o have

When you fail its not to stop its just not to repeat as you did before so when my mind wins and my beingness fails to see i get up and do it all over agin.

I ma no more

Sf

Does this definition support me no i see my earlier failures have set me for life as being not good enough but it has come full circles now to see that i am ok im alright sand this will work out working on my old belief and letting them go while i create a new me.

Failure fail learn

Failure

To see where i have been living to see i can get up everytime to see where improvements can be made or changed within me to embrace all that ive seen wrong within me

To not work so to try again or to fall and get up again

I will live this word in supporting me ot get up when i fall i see ive never failed it was all meant ti be this way i was ment to be here with you me in this manor it’s all perfect