#i started writing thisd at like midnight

[onisrn]

Right so im aboutta rant and maybe just write out possibly all my thoughts here from the past week okay cue:

So lets start from where i amn right now. Im in self care mood: Ive got the salt lamp and my bedside lamp on, my pink faiyrlights on, my scented Yankjee candle lighted, a mug of milky mint hot chocolate next to the laptop, my room smells of vanilla because i put on that air freshener thing (the one that you plug in), Ive got sami yusuf playing (Inna fil jannati). The reason for my self-care-y-ness: i was feeling real bad about the past and how i let certain people just idk you know what im on about see the last post (mahena).

So thats what was bothering me when i came home. My friends whjo i told (komal and zaynab reza) were so incredibly nice to me and i miss them so much (zbr is in isloo but yk still) and i wish we met each day lijke we used to and i wish i valued them more and i wish i valued the people who care about me and not fiocus on the bad stuff from yuears ago so much. anyway im good nbow. inshallah.

honestly man teenagers do not get enough credit for the stuff we go through. like not me per se i guess i bgvecame kinda strong after olevels and decided to get my priorities right and stuff and majorly that was because of my religiousd family. but what about the other people my age? like just all the hoprmones and the mood swings that are not your fault. and the crushes (wqait for it. next to next para) and the just trying to figure out who you are and stru8ggling eith confidence and choosing what you want to do in life and friends and all that drama asnd insecurities and man just growing up. and then theres the added like boyfriends and what not who dont have religion or who are in families where its fine or whatever. like mahena hgerself must be going through/havwe gone through quite some ish like boyfriend and friends and rama and boys that like you zand dealing with them and all that crtap and peer pressure and its so much harder to not do gunahs depending on who you hang out with and the studoes are so difficukt and stressful and the responsibiulities and it’s not fun being too young for some thingsd and too old for some ugh teenagers deserve more credit man. but evrrything becomes a hundred thousand times better when i knowe that i hgave allah and the imams and the prophet and quran. but what about those who dont have that connection with allah and they dont know to develop it? im blessed that im from a religious family and i was fortunate enough top get my priorities kinda right but wehat about the poeople who dont have relihgion or allah? i honestlyt dont understand how pople can function or survive e=ven a second without having that “there is something greater than this” feeling. I feel so bad for people my age i love thjem so much theyre so dstrong  ❤ (ok i dont love them i hate ppl my age but yk we dont get credit asnd we go tyhrough some ish that we just need to get through ourselves in most cases opr take advice from friends our age whop also dont reaslly know what theyre on about)

honestkly man i feel like if someone needs a soulmate at any age its when youre a teenager. youre just going through so much and all alone. sometimes you just need someone wholl loisten to y7ou and give you advice and who you know wont judge you and who your insecurities shut up with. Like yeah i know youre too young to be married in all senses and have kids etc etc and ypouire not mature enough to choose who you sopend the rest of your life with but like, skipping all that if you find the person somehow and tehyre perfect for u etc etc then it would just be so cool to have someone at this age idk i feel. anyway this got weird **I dont want to get married right now disclaimer disclaimer**

ok on a totally unrelated topiuc theres this guy in both business and econ and i really dont want to talk about it or itllk drill it in more gut yeah theres really nothing to tell. theres this guy in biz and econ whos kinda cute not hot like cute in a cute lil boy way its quite endearing but yeah you guessed it i maybe kinda like idk idek why 

you know what? since we came back from iran sometimes I’ll be in class (business. it’s boring and the last class so i be tired) so while im in class sometimes ill start crying (not all out, like no one sees me (I hope)) because i just want be there sdo bad. first ot was iran, qom, but now i want to go to karbala so badly i just die to go there ive never wanted to be there so bad away from this worldy life i want to go to the land thats a piece of jannah i want to be away from this worldy fickle life i want to be close to my imams i dont mind if its karbala or even iran or umrah i have a poster of imam husayn’s haram in my room and i look at it and cry and i have the Karbala chgannel thing on snapchat and they keep posting snaps where theres just standing in the middle of baynul haramayn and the dome in front and people walking by and i want to be there so bad my heart breaks and yearsn to be there but icant go there at least till june because the cruel CIE people kept one last small 1 hpour MCQs exam way in June so that my exams are just hanging in the air not dfinished until that dratted paper and im stuck here anyway probably for the better buyt i want to be there so bad i cant express it 

today i was reading in mikyal what it will be like when the imam comes and he will call out to the people in th emiddle opf the night and theyll be in worship or asleep and theyll hear him and will all reach Makkah and i want that so bad but im scared what if i falter at the last minute what if im not strong enough what if i lose sight of the ultimate goal that is Allah what is my own worldly desires cloud my vision what if I’m not strong enough Im so scaswred fopr that time man all my sins will cpount against me i so scared i wont be on my side im so scared ill falter at the last minute or pride of my deeds will cloud up my vision or make everyuthing worthless im so scared what if i falter