#ok so my ex told me this was cringey so i never posted it but actually fuck them

[simply-starryeyed]

i am filled with grief. i do not know where to put it. it overflows like a spilling sink sometimes, unable to stop itself from pouring over the edges, and then i must sit on the floor and clean it up and put it back.

i am filled with grief. i do not know who i would have become without it. it fills me with more grief than i already have to think about it. that person would be much happier, I think. but i don't know who that person is.

i am filled with grief. there are so many blank patches where i could not tell you what became of them, for i do not remember and i am not sure i want to. so many memories i have lived yet do not know. it is better this way, i think.

[queerlytical]

Unpacking my aversion to cis-het men - 08/12/2020

This is going to be a long one.  One I’m quite nervous about posting about even when I’m here anonymously!

Will probably refer to cis-het men as men/guys generally in this post btw. & the ex I refer to here is a guy I was with for 5 years which was an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I’ve recently started to challenge my feelings towards cis-het men.  Accepting that I have the judgement that all men are basically weak minded by not challenging society as it is (and therefore accepting of all the oppression), and are desperately affected by toxic masculinity.  

A small part of my brain knows that’s not true.  I have a couple of cis-het male friends who I love and are clearly not like that.  But when I think “what would be the problem if I ended up with a man in the future?” the other part of my brain immediately shuts the idea down like “why would you do such a thing?! you only like women, end of story”.  Thinking that the guys  who are open minded and unpacking their own priveleges/opinions etc. are so few and far between there is probably none left out there for me to meet.  

So I decided to challenge this notion.  And perhaps there is some underlying internal homophobia conflicting with these thoughts at the same time like “if I just gave men a chance.” or “it would be so much easier to just find a guy who is interested in me” (there is a lot underlying that quote tho - not that many wlw in my area, my personal feelings towards myself as to how cis-het men perceive me).

Along with challenging this notion, I have basically been craving to be dominated and penetrated in the bedroom, with no particular strings attached.  The people I’ve slept with this year weren’t great experiences and I just wanted someone to push me around and top me.  I know there are women who would gladly do that but the women I tend to date haven’t been like that and I’ve always been more of the top than the bottom.  I have never entertained a guy for sex where I have decided for myself that this is what’s going to happen, I’ve always been pursuaded into it (I didn’t learn about consent until the last couple of years, clearly). I wanted to feel that control.  I wanted to be the one to say, I’ve decided this this time.  And to see, how I would actually feel given that this was something I wanted and not sort of forced onto me.

I changed my Bumble search to include “everyone”.  Note that I had also ran out of women in my search radius by this stage so it was just men coming up now.  It was interesting.  I noticed that there are a lot of guy profiles that are basically the same - “where can you be found after work? the gym” or “what do you quote too much from? the office, US”.  Literally after swiping for about 10 minutes I could have written the exact same profile as like 40% of these profiles I was now faced with.  

I obviously ended up swiping left for the majority of guy profiles.  I paid more attention to the men who had kind eyes, nice smiles, beards (I love a beard strangely enough), and anything interesting in their profile.  I struggled to swipe right on white men in particular. I think this makes sense due to:

 my ex being white and racist (and I have a tendency to want to get as far as possible from this particular ex), 

a close friend who was my only white cis-het friend who then turned out to be a racist tory

my dad who is white, racist and homophobic (not terribly but enough to make me uncomfortable to discuss anything with him).  

Plus the general consensus that white cis-het men are the most priveleged in society and they can never understand someone like me, right?  Let alone have done any of the unpacking and learning about their own privilege..  

I matched with a few guys and had brief conversations with them before getting overwhelmed about messaging people on dating apps (happens whenever I can’t keep on top of messaging like more than one person at a time).  There were some okay chats, nothing overly flirty.  Some voicenotes which freaked me out a little, not 100% sure why hearing men’s voices so early after speaking to someone online scares me, but it’s probably because I’m not as comfortable sending voicenotes myself.  

There was a lot of me saying to myself “what am I doing?! LOLOLOL”

I’m going to talk about one of the guys in particular now.  We’ll call him Z.  Z’s profile was very minimal, basically just said “ask if you want to know more”.  But he had a nice face, lovely smile, and his first picture even looked quite feminine in the face - he has super long eyelashes and due to the lockdown hair he was wearing a hairband.  He’s Asian (Sikh) like my two closest friends.  I have spoken to him more than any of the other matches from Bumble.  We don’t really talk much of substance.  I told him I’m “basically a lesbian” quite early on  and he told me he’d been healing from a long relationship and was now “ready to have some fun”.  He didn’t seem particularly phased that I was into women, didn’t say anything cringey like “don’t worry, I’ll turn you” (which is what I used to get when I was younger).  This pushed the conversations in a direction where it was kind of agreed that this was all a bit of fun - flirty, sexual.  

My first experience with a guy being interested me back in high school eventually turned into a FWB situation so this type of relationship I am used to and basically expect from men..  I’m not particularly bother by this atm but might unpack this some more at some point.   

Anyway, as me and Z are just having some fun, I’ve not been vulnerable or told him much about things I care about - I don’t even think he knows my full name. It has actually been a breath of fresh air when I’ve been with people who are too intense for me throughout my dating life.  He is very much the kind of person I would never usually interact with too- likes and plays football, hangs with a group of “lads”.  I don’t think we have anything in common yet we still manage to chat (albeit with gaps of many hours in between some messages).

What did interest me about Z quite early on in our conversations is that he never said the word “girls”, always “women”.  I pointed this out to him and he confirmed he did that on purpose because he wouldn’t want to be referred to as a “boy” and that women deserve the same language used when referencing grown ass women.  This sticks in my mind as it definitely broke down one of my mental barriers around men not being able to understand “what’s the big deal”.  I think that’s probably why I’ve managed to speak to him for as long as we have.  Later on he also mentioned that people “can’t be fat shaming” which surprised me even more.  (Does my brain think cis-het men live under a rock or something?!).

We’ve been speaking 3 weeks at this stage.  We agreed to meet this weekend.  We ended up delaying it from Sunday to last night (Monday) because he was tired from a busy weekend and “wanted to give me the full experience”.  Surprisingly this didn’t make me super cringe.  I think I was probably more relieved to delay it another day as I was pretty nervous about how it would go, my head overthinking like - what if we have nothing to talk about? what if he comes all this way and I change my mind (as I am of course allowed to)? what if he’s a catfish and hurts me? etc. etc.  I don’t overthink this much when I date women.

So he was on his way.  I was running in circles getting ready like “WHAT AM I DOING?!!!”.  I had some rum to take the edge off and played the piano anxiously while he was on the way as something to take my mind off thinking about what was about to happen.

He arrived.  He was who he said he was.  He was the person who was in his pictures.  He was slightly slimmer than I expected but that was just the angles that his pictures were taken in.  It wasn’t awkward.  I poured us a drink and we sat on the sofa and chatted for a couple of hours.  He talked a lot, I hardly got a word in edgeways.  I didn’t mind as it put me at ease that there was no awkward silences. 

We finished our drinks.  I hadn’t left the heating on in my lounge so it had gotten quite cold..  I got closer to him.  Then we kissed.  It was nice.  I love kissing anyone who’s a good kisser no matter their gender. The excitement of the whole situation turned me on and we took it to my bedroom.

I struggled to look at him naked although when I did, I didn’t feel strange like I thought I would.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with the male form, I just haven’t seen a dude naked in my bedroom for years and when I was younger I used to tell myself I had phallophobia..  The sex was pretty much what I was looking for.  He didn’t bring a condom though which didn’t annoy me loads in the moment, despite him saying “I prefer without but ok” to which I replied “I don’t know where you’ve been” *eye roll*.  I thankfully had my own condoms (my stash usually for making dental dams, yno) but after I was kind of thinking to myself like “who the fuck goes to have casual sex with someone and doesn’t bring a condom when they have a penis?!”. I didn’t even let my ex bare-back me let alone some random dude.  

Anyway, I did it.  Consensual sex was better than any sex I had with my ex (not surprising).  He didn’t make me climax but it felt good (sex isn’t goal orientated for me but I know it was for him, as I assume it is with most men).  We held each other and chatted naked for a while after.  I think he wanted round 2 but I’m not sure I could have handled it.  He left relatively promptly after and I felt.. content.

I think I got what I wanted out of the experience.  It definitely boosted my confidence.  I’m not sure if I’ll see him again yet.  I definitely still feel very queer and mostly into women, I missed boobs a lot (like what do het-women hold onto?).

Part of me is like “okay next step is to see what it would be like to go on a romantic date with a guy” - something I have never ever done.  I don’t think I’ve been interested in it in the past (since growing up that is).  I can’t even imagine what it would be like because I would probably just treat them as my friend and have no clue how to flirt (if I even wanted to flirt).  But there are many conflicting thoughts about dating men romantically - what if it’s a success?  I’d end up feeling disowned by my new queer friends or judged by them, or what if I hurt someone?  how will dating guys impact how I feel about my own queerness??  I just settled back into my queer identity and now it feels I’m going backwards again.

I am definitely enjoying this new side to me that doesn’t take dating seriously and being comfortable that I don’t want a relationship right now and that’s okay!  I am continually learning about myself and trying to breakdown my own barriers so I can be my most true authentic self.  I’m having fun, and doing what’s best for me.  Which is a complete u-turn on the person I was less than a few years ago who just wanted to please everyone and was so depressed and burnt out doing so.

[womenofcolor15]

Black Twitter Isn’t Here For DaniLeigh’s Cringey Apology Over ‘Yellow Bone’ Controversy – ‘I Date A Whole Chocolate Man’

DaniLeigh issues an apology in response to the never-ending Twitter dragging over her new track titled “Yellow Bone.” However, Black Twitter isn’t here for it. More inside…

Singer DaniLeigh has been getting dragged relentlessly on social media after she previewed her new song “Yellow Bone.” *face palm*

Her original post has been deleted, but here’s what she posted that launched the backlash:

        View this post on Instagram

                      A post shared by The Shade Room (@theshaderoom)

In the caption she wrote, “Why I can’t make a song for my light skin baddies?? Why y’all think I’m hating on other colors when there are millions of songs speaking on all types.. why y’all so sensitive & take it personal…gahhh damn.”

The 26-year-old singer – who says ‘n*gga” excessively - isn’t even BLACK. More on that in a minute.

“Yellow Bone” is a termed used in the African-American community that refers to a light-skinned Black person. Many felt the track was offensive due to the colorist lyrics. We’re not sure who told the Dominican-American singer to do this, but no one asked for it. And folks are making sure she knows it…respectfully.

On the track, she sings:

Yellow, yellow what he want (What he wants, what he wants)

Yellow, yellow what he want (What he wants, what he wants)

Yellow bone that's what he wants (What he wants, what he wants)

Yellow bone that's what he wants (What he wants, what he wants)

Prada, me in Saint Laurent

Prada

Oh.

We’d like to note, the song was likely created due to her own insecurities. She’s currently dating rapper DaBaby, who has a brown/dark-skinned ex/child’s mother named MeMe who he is seemingly in an off and on love triagle with. Their daughter is brown skinned as well.

The backlash became too much for DaniLeigh as she deactivated her Twitter for a while before reactivating it.

Now, she’s apologizing.

In her apology video, she attempted to make folks believe she isn’t colorist because she dates a “chocolate man” and has “beautiful dark-skinned friends.” You’ll notice she’s rocking blonde box braids, a staple hairstyle in the black community.

"I think people twisted it into thinking, like, I’m trying to bash another woman, another skin tone, that was never my intention,” she said. “I wasn’t brought up like that, I never looked at my skin as a privilege. I never looked at me as ‘I’m better than somebody because of my skin tone,'" she continued.

”I see brown skin women flaunt their skin all the time in music, why can’t I talk about mine? If you look at me, I’m light-skinned, I’m a yellow bone. In my opinion, that’s just what I am. So, it wasn’t something that I looked at so deeply. Which, I can see why people will take it deeply, so I understand and I’m sorry that I wasn’t sensitive to the topic when I wrote my comment ‘why are you guys taking so personal?’ Because, it can be a personal thing to certain people, because colorist is a real thing so I do get it. But I’m not that. I’m not a colorist. I’m not a racist. I date a whole chocolate man. I have beautiful dark-skinned friends.”

Peep her full apology below:

        View this post on Instagram

                      A post shared by MOVIEBYDANILEIGH (@iamdanileigh)

Ma’am! Dark skinned men are colorists as well. Dating one doesn’t automatically mean you aren’t a racist or colorist. *rolls eyes* And you don’t see color, but you’re calling yourself a “yellow bone" and DaBaby a "chocolate man?" Make it make sense.

Also, songs like Beyonce’s “Brown Skin Girl” were created because brown/dark-skinned women are hardly ever celebrated mainstream and Bey wanted to create a ballad young, BLACK girls can be proud about. Never implying brown skin was BETTER and never praising brown skin as a topic centered around the affections and admirations of a man. She can't say the same about "Yellow Bone".

Society equates beauty with its proximity to whitness and that’s no secret. Promoting that concept in any way is the equivalent of upholding the contruct of colorism.  The two songs are NOT the same.

But get this….

She previously posted a pic of her parents, which Twitter users didn't waste any time pulling up again:

She reportedly called herself Afro-Latina at one point, we guess because a minuscule amount of her DNA was traced back to the continent of Africa (as most people in the world's are).

DaniLeigh’s Ancestry DNA results. It’s not just 12% as some people are saying but she’s definitely not a Black woman. She’s weird. pic.twitter.com/LCtmsvtW7k

— Becca (@BrummieBecca) January 21, 2021

Twitter users scrolled back down her timeline and found her post where she shared her Ancestry DNA results and, yeah. Many don't consider her a black woman. Especially if she's only going to be black when it's convenient.

Rapper Chika directly called DaniLeigh out on her ish:

no shade. as a black woman, you should be more than aware of colorism & why this song wouldn’t sit well with a black audience. it doesn’t feel good having a billion people at your neck, but it’s not about being “canceled.” it’s about taking accountability.

— CHIKA (@oranicuhh) January 21, 2021

  "this is a terrible response to valid criticism," she tweeted to Dani. "no shade. as a black woman, you should be more than aware of colorism & why this song wouldn’t sit well with a black audience. it doesn’t feel good having a billion people at your neck, but it’s not about being “canceled.” it’s about taking accountability."

Love how she always keeps it real.

Needless to say, Black Twitter has been letting DaniLeigh HAVE IT on social media. Here are some reactions to “apology” below:

    Bronzer & blackfishing is really f'ing y'all up out here. https://t.co/Ta8jfTyZi1

— YBF CHIC (@TheYBF) January 21, 2021

  Danileigh: “ I Don’t See Color”

Well how the hell you know you yellow? pic.twitter.com/GQXxOTOgKs

— DecaturSummers (@DecaturSummers) January 25, 2021

    Someone called Dani Leigh a conquistador and I am dead pic.twitter.com/WZT9Y18eaz

— Panashe (@pana_she) January 25, 2021

    Dear DaniLeigh, I too am a yellow bone. pic.twitter.com/8U0e5Rahcf

— NUFF (@nuffsaidny) January 25, 2021

    DaniLeigh : “I never looked at my skin as a privilege . I never looked at me as I’m better than somebody because of my skin tone.”

Also DaniLeigh: “Yellowbone is what he wants. “ pic.twitter.com/xERHfe1psG

— Stanley Hudson Jr. (@marcmacal) January 24, 2021

    So Danileigh called Dababy a “Chocolate" man?? In an apology for being a colorist? Ok pic.twitter.com/W36zH2KnE4

— OUTLAW (@Tonny_Amaru) January 25, 2021

    Danileigh made an “apology” video where she wore box braids, spoke in a blaccent, denied understanding colorism or light skin privilege, and said she had “melanated” friends so she couldn’t be racist. Unbelievable lmao pic.twitter.com/oqKSBJuTVF

— Mike fuccin you up nigga! (@SuccYuhMadda) January 25, 2021

    Dani Leigh got a fake tan and a blaccent in order to get her career, but y’all surprised she colorist. pic.twitter.com/qm6adUEoWr

— weed is my best fren (@daphdadon) January 22, 2021

  A BLACCENT (black accent)! We die!

Serves her right. No one asked for this trash song. It’s clear she was trying to flex her “light skin” in an attempt to bash DaBaby’s child’s mother and that ish BACKFIRED.

It’s above us now.

Photo: Dani's IG

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2021/01/25/black-twitter-isn%E2%80%99t-here-for-dani-leigh%E2%80%99s-apology-over-%E2%80%98yellow-bone%E2%80%99-controversy-%E2%80%93-%E2%80%98i-dat

[haamuressu]

heyhey 18-81

duude are you kidding that’s so many (THANK U) (also im gonna put this under a link bc no one likes scrolling long posts)

18: Are they a relative? (the question 17 was about my 1st phone contact)

I’m a proper family girl and my 1st phone contact is my mom. funnily enough also the person I send the most amount of messages/make the most amount of calls

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

”Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. “ - John F. Kennedy. (in other words: Nope)

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

a couple of hours ago lol

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

fuck no, I really hate the idea of marrying super young. I mean everyone else can live their life like they please but I don’t feel like settling down at 17 is the route I want to take. no sir

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

sure I have no regrets (that’s a blatant lie, I regret like 90% of my life but the last person I kissed and/or kissing them is surprisingly not on that list of regrets) 

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

nada, I don’t really wear bracelets

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

”you need to hold tight to whatever gets you through the night” from the true lives of the fabulous killjoys comic.

25: What’s on your mind?

I’m really sore allover because I’ve been working out again and my body is screaming for mercy so that, basically 

26: Do you have any tattoos?

two stick’n’pokes yea

27: What is your favorite color?

changes all the time but currently green or yellow probably. or black which is just always good

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

man idk realistically speaking probably the next time I’m drunk. that’s a habit of mine I really need to get rid of 

29: Who are you texting?

not anyone at the moment

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

I genuinely do not remember . probably ? probably not? I don’t...ok neither of us owns a couch so logically speaking it’s unlikely

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

I predicted my great grandmother’s death when I was eight even tho I had no way of knowing/guessing that she had passed. I know that this isn’t exactly what the question was implying but this came to mind and I thought I’d share

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

a couple and I really see no issue with that whatsoever, I’ve always had friends of all genders and it has not been a big deal for me

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

gosh I really hope that no one has that low standards seriously (bless their mislead heart if so)

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

I constantly hear that from people. brown eyes aren’t that common with finns so idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I would probably be doing awkward finger guns at their general direction and/or figuring out a way to smoothly excuse myself from the situation bc who the hell wants to sit around and watch two people make out? the point here is that I wouldnt be upset

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

single, not ready to mingle 

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

a lot of questions related to that. but yes in case you haven’t figured that out

38: What do your friends call you?

just rea, sometimes my birth name or ressu, rebe or just..nerd

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

I’m get upset approximately fifteen times a day so yes probably

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

oh maaaaaaaaaaaan have I

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

arm

42: What is it from?

no comment lol

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

had a shit night at tuesday and threw that typical “I DONT WANNA BE HERE” temper tantrum about my school and campus lol 

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my grandma

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

yes dear god my combat boots are my everything

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

I might wear a beanie but I don’t really suit any kind of hats (fun fact I used to semi-ironically wear a fedora bc patrick stump was doing it in 2013. glad I got over that)

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have shaved my head but it wasn’t Bald bald and nah nope wouldn’t do it again, looking back I now realize that I looked like a fat egg

48: Do you make supper for your family?

rarely but sometimes and I usually fuck something up

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

I’m really sorry for anyone whose door doesn’t

50: Top 3 web-pages?

I’m a youtube addict and also this hellhole is kinda cool. what else..I mean there are so many man

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

my mom

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

better question rn would be “does anything on your body Not hurt?”

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

depends.  like seriously I’m simultaneously very skilled at throwing stuff over my shoulder and never looking but also I’m really talented at never getting over things

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

coffee, surprisingly 

55: How is your hair?

good, thanks for asking

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

answered!

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

dan and phil probably can so why not anyone else (sorry that was cringey but also...it’s true. fight me)

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

I was eight so unless I had an elementary school datemate which I don’t recall then proooobably not

59: Green or purple grapes?

greengreengreengreen

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

idk I’m really deprived of human touch come here and I’ll give you one right now

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

not really unless we’re speaking generally just life, then I’m gonna go with maybe a nice coffin underground yes thank u

I have answered 62-69!

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

nine atm

71: How many fingers do you have?

this is such an ominous question lmao ...all of them. and I’d like to keep them, thank you

72: What is your ringtone?

I have no idea my phone is always on mute. probably the standard one then 

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

18 fukc what the hell I’m going to be technically an adult that’s hilarious 

74: Where is your Mum right now?

asleep , I hope. in her bedroom a couple of walls behind me

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

error 303: too personal, not comfortable with processing data

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

nah I’ve mostly been alone 

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

a few of them but not very many

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

this some american shit I don’t understand...what does year seven mean...

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

nah altho I know a few people called Mikko which is probably like the finnish equivalent of mike

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

 I guess ?

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

in this economy? are you kidding, robert.

thank you sm for asking !!!