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fanficmemes · 3 years ago

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Hey guys!!! Thanks to our lovely anon/blog historian, Soupy, we now have a recorded history!! Blog lore, my beloved. I'll try and start adding in our new things too, but to any newbies out there, come take a look :):):):)

About the lore for this blog, i cannot remember everything, but i can do something about the cursed asks lore and history, since i just scrolled all the posts in the tags!

31 Jan 2021: an anonymous send an ask asking what people actually mean when they tell a ship if "pedophilic". This start a big number of asks about real survivor and how fucked up is fandom water down the word, purity culture, and consequently story time about harassing people in fandom for purity culture.

1 Feb 2021: someone speak about how much fucked up fics helped them. This probably opened the possibility of cursed asks. The same day, someone other send an ask about a terrible person known for harassing people about the sexuality of a character. The person is called "train fucker".

2 Feb 2021: anonymous point the attention on the train fucking thing. The cursed ask tag is created.

In the following hours, always in the cursed ask tag, people discover the fandom was Death Note and the guy was apparently in real attracted to trains and planes. Hell break down, memes are created.

History is made.

One of the characters will later become protagonists of the tag already existed. PKD already was knew since the 22 Jan 2021, when they sent an ask about the color asks and you had the intuition the tags he was probably someone with a piss kink and the tag "chronicles of piss" was created.

Cursed ask history part 2:

At this moment on time,the tags is still not clearly used. One of the First post tagged as such, the 9th Feb, is an anon answering to the ear fucking conversation about micropenis, while all the other posts are not tagged. The day after PKD enter the cursed asks tag, while the others ask still stay out of it. People start sending the stories they read.

12 Feb Hagrid/Hedwig fics are discovered. Owl fucking anon appear. Someone suggest a friendship between them and mlp guy.

Also mlp pony guy is a lore being who did not appear before in the #cursed asks, but already had their history in the simpler ask tag and in the previous cancel scale period, that we could call the ancestor of #cursed ask.

The First post tagged as cancel scale is from the 2nd Jan 2021. It was an anon answering your post of the same day "alright guys scale 1-10 how screwed r u if it ao3 history and bookmarks get released".

This is the gold era of this blog lore. The philanthropist, wound fucking discourse, rpf bdsm and mlp guy (with the first ask behind paywall) appeared during the first month and a half of the year, mixing at the end with the cursed ask tag.

Cursed ask history part 2:

12 Feb Hagrid/Hedwig fics are discovered. Owl fucking anon appear. Someone suggest a friendship between them and mlp guy.

Cursed ask history part 3:

The philanthropist appeared the same day #the cancel scale started. With their iconic "i am a shameless philanthropist and so my bookmarks are public. I eat dead doves for breakfast. Come on down to the buffet y'all! You want some wound fucking? 8-yr-old omega abortion? I got you fam, watch me scramble these eggs" they left a forever sign in this blog. Still to this days asks are written to know if they are good. They obtained a 12/10 in the cancel scale.

Wound fucking discourse started, also the same day, by CB answering "is that where the wound fucking comes in??" At a ask about vivisection and medical experimentation. Discourse about what classify as a wound and how it works continued trought the day.

Rpf bdsm is thought to have beat the philanthropist with their mix of rape, underage, incest in a foursome, huge age, rpf tentacles and, mostly, someone getting turned into a pickle and his partner fucking himself with it.

This also started a string of asks about people being transformed in object used for sex.

Rpf bdsm would appear again later that day to specify the pickle fic was a rpf.

Cursed ask history part 4 (i think? Already lost the count)

Mlp guy. The one and only. Always in the terrible 2 Jan 2021, they first appeared in the tags of an answer to a marvel ask. #Hey HEY mlp guy #u know who u r #i'm afraid to look at this ask #like yeah we saw some shit tonight but this blows that outta the fuckin WATER #y'all would dead ass have to pay me to post it

Someone noticed the tags and asked about it, and a strong sexual tension between everyone and the unpublished mlp ask started. Someone ended up paying, cause the ask was later published as last post of the day and terrorized every follower of the blog. It was published as screenshot of the ask, and is not even put in the #cancel scale.

MLP guy stayed so in the apex of the cursed asks for some months, till the Pokémon ask by soupy was published the 9th may 2021, taking home a 15/10. MLP guy made a Tumblr profile, @therealmlpguy, in retiliation, and reblogged answering with a new terribly cursed fic. CB have still not voted it, so who have the worst cursed ask is still in question.

The day of #cancel scale the blog fanficmemes lost many followers, but the story was, as we know, not finished.

Cursed ask history part 5

I like to stay an half cryptid of this blog, so i will not tell my blog of origin, but i can tell you I am Soupy. Also i need to know if i am actually considered a cryptic of the blog and if i need to make a lore post about myself XD.

This is starting to get hard cause i cannot reread what i already sent, but the end of the tunnel is near.

We already told about owl fucking anon in the cursed ask tag, but their story is a bit more longer. The cursed ask was actually their big return, and they are probably one of the most proficious lore making, having also a part in the creation of the PKD legend. They should really have their own tag.

How? Well.

The 17 Jan 2021, when the big part of the cancel scale was done and the elders of the lore created, they sent an anon ask about what the cancel scale made them remember. It was a fic, red when they were ten or eleven, about someone fucking an owl while the owl was on their period. Consensual, and apparently the authors were two teen girl who write only character x owl. Their mom proofread. CB answered with their profile picture, edited so that it red "i can't believe it's gotten even worse!" Instead of "i can't believe it's not canon".

This post created, if we want to say, PKD, cause their first ask, that assigned them piss kink, was yes about the color asks (that, in case someone does not remember, was CB asking what colors people assigned to them), but had as explanation "if you keep posting stuff like the owl period whatever". So the owl fucking anon indirectly created, the 22 Jan 2021, PKD.

Owl fucking anon continued their ascension to lore of the blog.

The 12th Feb 2021 sent an ask were they were surprised someone had found Hagrid x Hedwing fics, and than sent anther 9 parts ask about the story of how they red lot of cursed shits thanks to an old tumblr blog that had the links, and how from there they found an author who only published Hagrid x Hedwing, and how that introduced them to FF smut.

(it is also discovered they are only 15, baby, please, i am noone to talk with the shits i red at the time but i hope you are ok).

They are now consacrated in the memory of the blog.

Cursed ask history part 6

Before continuing with the history of the cursed asks, is now time to finally give a small talk about PKD. We know how they originated, but how they become so famous?

Probably is the fact they appeared so many time during the last months. Being it for cancel scale, cursed asks or just normal asks, they continue to give us company with their exploration of piss kink fic. Is true they soundly negate having the kink the first months, but after lot of memes and people speaking about it, the 25 Apr 2021 they finally admitted of having the kink,and discovered it reading an a/b/o Captain America fic.

I would suggest to read all the posts, but they stopped being tagged halfway through, so is half in the specific #chronicles of piss and half in the #cursed ask

Cursed ask history part 7

The big lore is finished, and now only the later history stay.

#cancel scale posts and #cursed asks post lived side by side for some days. The owl fucking one of the 12 Feb was actually the last cursed fic published in the cancel scale post, leaving the tag only for some history reference later.

#cursed asks saw the appearence of every type of cursed possible to thought, with scat and nipple fucking between the different tags. At the start there was no specific day chosen, but later, for CB schedule reasons, Saturday was assigned as cursed ask day, and some week later it was moved to Sunday.

And here we are, today, to see what other cursed things we will bring in this world

Cursed fic History part 8

The cursed fic History have been covered, but i still think is important to talk about some of the before time tags that created the good ecosystem for the creation of #cursed ask.

The most famous is #the lube discussion.

It started the 23 Aug 2020, when CB wrote a post about FF using the word "supple" in smut without the thing being actually supple. In the tag, they added #also #that does Not work as lube.

Some anon asked what was being used as lube, that was answered with "one was peanut butter. I will not discuss the other". This started the bug lube discussion, were everyone talked about what they continingly see used as lube when it cannot be used as lube.

Between the classics soap and blood, we see some more daring one as mud, yogurt, aloe vera, years, milk, hot sauce and the more intersting, cannoli (have no idea if they are talking about the cream you put in cannoli or some american thing i don't know).

Nothing reached cursed material, but it put the first seed for the blog.

#blog lore #my dearest soup #my response to your first letter will be posted swiftly #I got distracted bc I forgot that we don’t know each other irl #and I was gonna press some flowers for u #(they’re still being pressed but I’ll send a pic I forgot that I can’t send real flowers over text #but again thank you so much for doing this #also I really wish I would’ve tagged shit better #maybe I wanted to go back and reread chronicles of piss #but nooooooo I just had to forget about it halfway through #anyways here we go #cursed asks #the lube discussions #chronicles of piss

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nerdyskeleton · 3 years ago

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Ok so you do The Writing Activities do you have any tips/advice/posts/resources for someone dealing with low self-confidence in their writing?

oh man I sure do The Writing Activities!! sorry though that you are dealing with that. I struggle with feeling like that a lot too!

as for advice and stuff, everything below has been helpful for me personally - can't guarantee it will work for everyone, but maybe it's a place to start for you! (tell me if this should be under a read more??)

1. Don't compare yourself to others.

I fall into this trap a lot when I read someone else's writing and I think like "wow I will never be as good as them and my writing is baby garbage compared to theirs" but writers don't share their work for others to think like that! They share because they are happy and proud of what they're written. It's good to remember that sure, maybe my dialogue isn't as great as this author's, but I do this, that, and the other thing pretty well so it's okay. You are your own unique person with your own set of writing skills and style, and that's wonderful!

2. Find a beta reader (or adjacent type person).

Betas are great but I'm a secretive little clown so I don't use them that often. If you're really struggling with a certain section, scene, fic in general, find someone you trust and have them read your work, then ask for specific feedback. Did this conversation make sense? Does this paragraph flow well? Are these characters acting like themselves? And don't be afraid to say like "be nice in your criticism" like just because it's criticism doesn't mean that it gets delivered in a cruel way. It shouldn't ever if it's a valid critique. Anyway, having someone else's eyes on it can help figure out where you might be stuck both in the writing and also in your own head - it's your own work so you're likely to be pretty self critical of it! I notice my own mistakes and think how I'd rewrite certain parts all the time.

3. Write for yourself!!

Write literally the most self indulgent story of your life if it makes you happy! It can just be your forbidden little secret and never see the light of day if you want but it can be a fun exercise! There's no pressure and it's just meant to get out of your own head again. I am also a big fan of writing jokes or silly references just for myself in my writing. If others think it is funny then good great but as long as I made myself laugh, that is all that matters. I'm spending time on it so dang it, I want to enjoy it!

4. Reread nice things about your writing.

I am assuming that you've shared writing before with this one. So if someone leaves a particularly nice or funny comment, or reblogs my chapter link with commentary in the tags, you bet your butt I am screenshotting that so I can look at it whenever! Sometimes I just reread comments on my fics to see what people liked about it, and it gives me a boost. It's good to have handy reminders that people like your work - and randos on the internet wouldn't lie to you, ya know? If you haven't been publishing much, you could send it to a friend and just make them liveblog it as they read it or leave comments in the google doc. Gotta be a good friend though lol

5. Read other books/fanfic to see how they do it.

When I started writing fanfic as a wee teen, I tried to copy directly the author's style of the series I was writing for. That has now morphed into my current style. If someone is traditionally published (usually lmao) they are considered pretty good, so you can see how they've crafted their story, their style, their characterization, etc. If you like how they handled This Thing, you can mimic it in your own writing as practice. Over time, you can develop your own style and skill, as well. (But don't get discouraged or compare yourself to them!!!!)

6. Fake It 'Til You Make It.

Literally as this question came in last night, I was rereading my own fanfic to help put me to sleep (no shame) and I had said out loud, "I am the greatest writer in the world." Is this true? Yes. Saying that to myself is a lot better than self-deprecating/negative self talk by a long shot, and it made me laugh to be honest. The kinder and more patient you are with yourself can help a ton with how you feel about your own writing, and in general any skill. Tell yourself that you're working hard and doing great, and you can start to believe it one day :) (Because it's probably already true!!)

I hope this is somewhat helpful!! Sorry if it wasn't lmao. I can't think of any posts/blogs off the top of my head from others, but if I come across them, I can reblog them to this blog. I also got a writing blog @humorforwriting (wee woo wee woo shameless self promotion) that is mostly reblogs of advice, writing resources, etc.

Good luck with your writing journey!!!!

#asks #writing #writing advice #my writing #you gotta have fun with it honestly that is Key #if it's not fun then take a break think about why it's not fun and fight it when you're ready #also so honored someone asked me this kdlfkfjljkf #imposter syndrome WHO

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scribbledquillz · 3 years ago

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I was tagged by @m-m-m-myysurana for this AO3 / fanfic author meme - thank you so much for thinking of me, my dear!

How many works do you have on AO3?

I'm currently sitting at twelve, though two of them are long fics that I've unfortunately had to abandon. I also have a one-shot that I initially thought would only be a drabble I'll most likely be posting there once it's complete, but we shall see.

What’s your total AO3 words count?

Oh man. I've never actually looked at this number until now. My total word count is 142,894. Holy cow.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Yikes. So I've only recently gotten back into writing fanfic regularly again, which means my new main work (Your Fire Burns in my Veins iffin you'd like to check it out. ;3) which I'd say is the best show of my current writing skill is not among the fics I've gotten the most kudos on. What I'm getting at is if you click on these, know I'm really glad that you're interested in them, but also wincing, lol.

1. Under The Stars - An old fluff piece from the very beginning of my infatuation with Revka and Zevran as a ship. Written as a "drabble" prompt that got out of hand fast.

2. To Conspire With an Antivan - Alas, one of the two long fics I needed to abandon, hence why I won't link to it. It had promise, but my writing and pov on so many things have grown past what I was doing in this fic, and I'd rather let it lie than try to go back in to fix it or start over.

3. Acquiescence - Ohhhhh thar be F!Hawke/Fenris angst here. I wrote this for a kink meme fill (are those still a thing? am I just showing my age here?) forever ago.

4. In Plain Sight - I've written a lot of smut in my day, but I'm only now realizing how little of it I've actually posted. Aside from needing to fix that (I'm shameless) this is one of the few that was shared - another Revka / Zevran piece pre reworking both of Revka's origin and timeline. Still plenty spicy - Zev gets some special attention behind a tapestry. *wink wink*

5. No Way Out - Ok. Look. I love zombies. And what do I love more than zombies? Writing F!Hawke and the Kirkwall crew in an apocalypse. I regret nothing.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Absolutely! I want the readers who take the time to comment to know how much their words mean to me and how big a motivator they are for me to keep writing when I doubt myself or the stories I'm telling.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Well, given that my fic where my mage Hawke is captured after the Chantry explosion and made tranquil is one of the two long fics I needed to abandon, I'd say Acquiescence would have the most angst. Though I wanted to go out of my way to show there was no bitterness or anything of the like involved at the end - more just sad acceptance. That being said the rest of my fics do (and will) continue to end with a more hopeful conclusion.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Since I haven't finished YFBimV (and won't for some time) I'd have to say it would have to be my one-shot Reassurances. It was a gift fic with an OT3 of Hawke, Fenris and Isabela, and was just such a nice, soft moment for the trio to reaffirm they're all exactly where they want to be.

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve ever written?

I haven't as of yet, and most likely won't. It would have to be a very specific type of crossover.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Oh thank God no. I've got a thicker skin than I used to when it comes to my writing, but I'd definitely still cry like a baby.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Heh heh heh. Yeeeep. And I intend to write more. >:3 I've done mostly f/m smut, but also f/f as well.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, and ngl I think I'd be more flattered than angry if I did - not flattered enough not to report it, but still flattered.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not a fic, though the timeline of YFBimV was developed (and continues to be developed) with the help of my friend @pathosian, who was so kind as to let me borrow her Kerrigan Hawke to play Barbies with.

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Zevka Zevka Zevka Zevka Zevka Zevka Zevka Zevka

But I also deeply appreciate any Zevwarden ship out there because my man deserves happiness. I also really love Fenris/Hawke (especially mage Hawke), and am getting more and more invested in Varric/Adaar as I think up my new Inquisitor. Out of DA fandom I am also an unrepentant Zuko/Katara shipper. But lbr - I love ships in general.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Ahhh I mentioned them above. Some things just aren't meant to be, sadly.

What are your writing strengths?

I really feel like I do a good job at nailing down character voices. The way they speak, their body language, the expressions they tend to make, and if writing from their POV what their internal monologue tends to be in any given situation.

I also feel really confident in my ability to write highly emotional moments; describing the physical response an emotion brings out in a character, how they react internally vs how they express their reaction outward, that kind of thing. It's my favorite part of writing fic.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Ugh. Action. Not just in fight scenes (though those are a hell of a struggle) but in calmer moments too. I always second guess myself if something is too detailed or not enough when it comes to writing out how something happens.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

It doesn't bother me personally. I do use it a little myself, but generally only as flavoring, or (favorite trope ahead) when a character isn't ready to give words to how they feel about something/someone and so say it in their native tongue instead. *cough* Zevran *cough* I use it pretty sparingly, though.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I'm having a sudden, violent flashback to 12 year old me giggling to myself as I write bad Harry Potter fanfic under my blankets at 1 am on a school night.

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Oh gosh. I had the most fun writing No Way Out (because zombies) but is it tacky to say Your Fire Burns in my Veins? I've been shipping Revka with Zevran for aaaaaages now, and it's really satisfying to finally be putting the whole of their story to word rather than just bouncing around disjointedly in my head.

Thank you so much again for the tag, @m-m-m-myysurana, this was a lot of fun to do!

I'll go ahead and tag: @heniareth, @lorioganneb and @calebara as well as anyone else who wants to have a go at this! Please tag me, I'd love to read your answers. :3

#about lilou #lilou writes #the total word count blew my mind #I've done. a lot of fic writing. lol

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grapefruitsketches · 5 years ago

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Untamed Spring Fest 2020 - Days 18 & 19: Breath & Journey

Part of my Songxiao post-canon fix-it fic series (this is the “SL Prequel”):

Also available AO3: link

5,540 Words

Songxiao, happy ending (for both of them), canon-compliant, post-canon, hurt/comfort, mentions of canonical major character deaths,

As promised, here is my companion piece to my Day 6: Breeze contribution (though either can be read as a standalone). See the XXC piece at the “XXC Prequel” link above.

Roam this world with Shuanghua, exorcise evil beings alongside Xingchen.

Song Lan had been doing exactly that since he had regained consciousness in Yi City. He drifted from town to town, feeling like he had more in common with the ghosts he was there to disperse rather than the hero the villagers seemed to think he was.

The spirit bag dangled at his side, weightless, lifeless, but he never for a moment forgot its presence. It was everything. He hardly touched Shuanghua, though, feeling guilty for the comfort its companionship brought him. He tried to make up for his partner’s absence - he moved constantly, always looking for the next sign of trouble he could help solve. Fighting became mechanical. Sometimes he felt that the only difference between his day to day life now from his life as a puppet was his choice of target.

Shuanghua had begun to weigh on him. The first time he’d noticed had been after a particularly grueling night hunt, four months into his travels. He had assumed that he had simply been tired, but when he woke up the next day, and had trouble just lifting the sword onto his back as he did each morning, he was knew it must be something else. He tried to figure out what Shuanghua wanted. He used it on a few night hunts, wondering if it was bored. Shuanghua only grew heavier, if anything, after these hunts, and after a few near misses where a parry or attack had failed because of the unusual weight of the sword, he abandoned this theory. All he had accomplished was a feeling of shamelessness in using another cultivator’s sword, especially the one belonging to the man he had wronged so deeply.

He knew he might find an answer if he visited one of the towns governed by a major clan. There were swordsmiths there, ones who seemed to understand the swords they made more intimately than even the cultivators who carried them. He decided that it was not worth the journey, though. Not only was there a chance that an ordinary swordsmith wouldn’t have the skills to evaluate the sword of one of Baoshan Sanren’s disciples, but Song Lan also preferred to avoid major cultivator cities if possible. There was too much risk he would be recognized, that Shuanghua would be recognized, that even if he weren’t recognized, that there would be questions about why a cultivator would carry two swords. Song Lan had never liked being pestered with question, but now that every word would have to be painstakingly carved out in the ground or written on paper, and every answer inevitably something too painful to relive, it would be far worse.

So the sword grew heavier, and Song Lan treated the sword’s moods as an unfortunate but unchangeable fact of his current life.

One day as he was making his way from one small village in Yiling to another, a voice he recognized called out to him.

“M-master Song!”

Sighing, he turned around to face the person who had finally found him after two years of successful avoidance.

Long black robe, disheveled hair hanging loose, and, most tellingly, black veins creeping up his neck. Wen Ning waved and jogged lightly, stopping in a bow just in front of Song Lan. Song Lan bowed instinctively in response, grateful as ever for the automated etiquette he could lean on as he tried to restart the part of his mind that knew how to act around someone from the clans. The manners, he could handle. But Xing-, …others had usually been better than him at resisting provocation if the conversation turned somewhere unpleasant. Though perhaps, he thought wryly to himself, it might be easier to get through these conversations without what Master once called “my sharp tongue.”

The Ghost General smiled, “Strange to meet here, isn’t it?”

Song Lan nodded.

Song Lan remembered being briefly introduced to Wen Ning at the Yiling Supervisory Office, so many years ago. He’d been disoriented, his sight damaged but recovering. He also, vaguely, remembered fighting him in Yi City. But Song Lan had not had a chance or really the will, at that time, to speak with the man, besides to offer a quick bow as an apology for the fight, which Wen Ning had politely returned. The Ghost General was a name he’d heard often in the last two years though. Few villagers knew Wen Ning’s face or even his birth or courtesy name, but almost every town had their own version of the Ghost General - who in one town would be said to come to take children who did not finish their vegetables, and in another, it was an omen of foreboding for any upcoming weddings if someone heard the rattling chains of the Ghost General nearby.

None of the stories matched the pleasant, unassuming man before him.

“I was just passing through. Y-you were too?” Wen Ning asked.

Again, Song Lan nodded.

“Ah.” Wen Ning smiled and shuffled a bit, “I… I heard that I might find you here. Everyone you’ve helped… It’s very impressive!”

Song Lan only smiled and nodded gratefully, wondering briefly if Wen Ning was deliberately keeping his questions to need simple yes or no answers. He did want to ask, though, why Wen Ning sounded like he had been looking for him.

They walked together in silence a while, Song Lan not wanting to pull out Fuxue to keep the conversation going. It was one of those days where Shuanghua was acting up more than usual. Alone, Song Lan had felt free to walk slowly to compensate. Alongside Wen Ning, he hadn’t wanted to show such a weakness, so he tried to keep pace. The weight seemed to grow with every step he took. Soon, it had grown to a point where he would either have to stop, or, more shamefully, collapse on the path under Shuanghua’s weight. The former option sounded slightly more appealing.

Song Lan veered off the path and leaned against a tree, catching his breath but keeping his face passive. He gently took Shuanghua off and laid it gently against the trunk.

Wen Ning quickly realized that he had lost his walking companion and turned to look quizzically, first at Song Lan, then, eyes widening, at Shuanghua leaning on the tree, even while Fuxue was still strapped comfortably to the cultivator’s back.

“Master Song!” Wen Ning cried, hurrying over, “Are you ok?”

Song Lan nodded, but knew his heavy breathing gave him away. He closed his eyes, hoping he might be lucky enough that Wen Ning would take this to be a perfectly normal nap, with no further questions.

Wen Ning frowned, “… I know we… we’re not friends.” Wen Ning’s head leaned one way, then another as he considered each word, “We don’t really know each other… but…” he sighed, “what happened in Yi City,” Wen Ning’s eyes widened as Song Lan flinched at the words, “Sorry, I just mean, well.” He breathed deeply, “This is obvious to everyone else but I think you might need to hear it. It… it wasn’t your fault.”

Song Lan’s eyes snapped open to look at Wen Ning, brows furrowed. Of course he didn’t blame himself, of course he knew that that man… that monster had been truly responsible. But that didn’t mean he denied his responsibility for his role in what had happened to his cultivation partner. If not for his cruel words, Xingchen wouldn’t have been there in the first place. If not for Song Lan’s incompetent interference, Xingchen might have continued as he was, tricked, but alive and happy even if in ignorance. Song Lan reached for Fuxue, suddenly not feeling so burdened by the prospect of writing in the dirt.

What wasn’t?

Wen Ning smiled. “I don’t know, Master Song, but I think you do.”

Song Lan huffed in frustration, adding next to his first message, He was alone and blind because of me.

“Was he?” Wen Ning asked gently, meeting Song Lan’s eyes.

I sent him away. He saved me. Song Lan’s eyes had started to tear up as he wrote, I couldn’t even manage to warn him without getting him, Song Lan couldn’t bring himself to write what had happened to Xingchen after all the love and kindness he had put out into the world, had given to Song Lan.

He remembered the moment he had rounded that corner in Yi City, A-Qing by his side. His eyes had, of course, first landed on Xiao Xingchen. His smile. His laughter. The comfortable life he seemed to be living without Song Lan by his side. He had almost turned and walked away there, willing to set aside his own feelings if Xiao Xingchen was happy. If Song Lan had lost him and Xingchen had moved on without feeling that he had lost Song Lan, maybe that was the most just outcome. But then he realized that there was also something familiar about the second voice coming from those steps. With some difficulty, he pulled his eyes away from the beautiful man he’d once had the honour of sharing every day with, the moon to Song Lan’s cold winter nights. And had felt a jolt like a stab to the chest as he recognized the figure sitting beside Xingchen. In that moment of realization, everything had changed.

Xiao Xingchen had been lured right into a trap, one that couldn’t have worked if Song Lan hadn’t abandoned him, leaving him to walk alone when he could most use a trusted partner by his side.

And newly armed with the knowledge of how bad the situation was, Song Lan had made every wrong move in the moments that followed.

By now, the tears were flowing freely. Wen Ning awkwardly pet him on the back.

“I used to blame myself for my family and sister’s deaths.” Wen Ning said quietly.

Song Lan looked to him in confusion. He had heard many stories about Wen Ning, ones he believed and ones he hadn’t, but despite all the fightening tales of the Ghost General, despite the excited whispers he had overheard years ago when he travelled with XIngchen about the grisly fates of the remaining Wen clan members, he’d never heard a story that cast the Ghost General as the executioner.

“She was always protecting me, always fixing my mistakes.” Wen Ning smiled sadly, “She thought that if we both turned ourselves in, that that would protect our family. But instead, I survived, she died, and no one even paused before attacking our family.” Wen Ning sighed, “I used to wonder if it would have been better if I had gone to Lanling alone. If Master Wei and Jiejie hadn’t protected me, saved me until then, they probably wouldn’t have died. She was so strong,” a tear fell from Wen Ning’s eye even as he smiled at the thought of his sister, “If she hadn’t come with me, hadn’t tried to make up for what I’d done, maybe she could have protected the rest of our family and they would all still be alive today.”

Song Lan was shaken. He remembered Wen Qing, too, from his days in recovery. She had been gentle, but stern. He had no doubt she was as strong as Wen Ning described. He had also heard talk, not too long ago, that it was now common knowledge that Wen Ning had not been in control when he had killed the Jin heir. That Wen Ning blamed himself for his sister’s fate… Wen Qing had not struck Song Lan as someone who would step back as other people stepped up. He couldn’t imagine a scenario where she would simply bid her brother farewell and watch him face the consequences for actions he couldn’t have prevented.

“I-I think she blamed herself, that she thought I was her responsibility, so if I did something wrong or something bad happened to me, it was because of her,” Wen Ning said, “I should have known that the consequences for anything I did would end up on her.”

Song Lan carved harshly into the dirt, the cuts so deep and so large it might take several rainfalls before they disappeared completely NOT YOUR FAULT.

Wen Ning looked at the marks, and smiled, “I know that now. It took me a long time, but I know others will make choices that you don’t like that you can’t control sometimes, will try to protect you from the world as if you can’t be trusted to make your own choices.” He looked hard into Song Lan’s eyes, “Do you understand?”

You and Xingchen didn’t do anything wrong.

Wen Ning nodded, then gently added, “And neither did my sister. And neither did you. It’s good to try and protect people you care about but…” Wen Ning paused as though searching for the words, “but you shouldn’t blame yourself just because they end up in trouble, even if you think there was a way you could have prevented it.”

Song Lan let his back slide down the tree, collapsing on the ground, unsure if it was the aftereffects of carrying Shuanghua, this conversation, or simply the amount of spiritual energy he had put into those last few lines but he was exhausted all of the sudden. He gripped the bag dangling from his hip, detaching it and pulling it to his chest. It still felt empty, but it brought him some comfort.

He had one more question, though, Why are you here? He wrote, tracing the characters with his finger in the soft dirt, not wanting to lift Fuxue again.

“Oh, yes! I have a message from Master Wei.” Wen Ning said, clearing his throat, “He said to find you and tell you…” Wen Ning worked his way methodically through the sentence, and Song Lan was confident that this was almost word for word what Wei Wuxian had told him to say, “to tell you that he has a theory for something that might work for Master Xiao.”

Any drowsiness forgotten, Song Lan scrambled to his feet, his sudden grip of Wen Ning’s shoulder making his meaning clear enough without the need for any more writing.

Wen Ning nodded, confirming that Song Lan had heard correctly, “He said that once you’re your spirits are healed, you should come see him in the Cloud Recesses, and he can try something. He said he couldn’t know if it would work,” Wen Ning shrugged, “but I don’t think he was sure about me either.”

Now Song Lan did reach for his sword, How do I heal Xingchen’s spirit? He wrote, clutching the spirit bag firmly to his heart as he did so.

Wen Ning shook his head, “I’ve been trying to explain, I’m just not very good at it,” he breathed out, “You can’t.”

The adrenaline, the hope that Song Lan had so eagerly grabbed on to evaporated. He felt like he might faint. If Wen Ning was anyone else, Song Lan might have drawn his sword on him for this, but Wen Ning’s face was neutral. It did not tease, did not make light, this man did not seem like he had a malicious bone in him. A part of Song Lan wondered if that was why Wei Wuxian had chosen him to bring this message - to boast about his innovation, without risking Song Lan’s frustration with its insufficiency. But Wei Wuxian didn’t seem the type to do that either. So why bother telling him at all?

“He has to,” Wen Ning provided gently, “All you can do is try your best to work on healing yourself and support him if you can. Just like you’re already doing.”

Wen Ning pointed at his chest, at the spirit bag being hugged like a lifeline.

Healing myself? I am well.

Wen Ning tilted his head, looking Song Lan over, “I don’t know if you are. But I think you will be.” Wen Ning continued, “You do remind me a bit of… of my sister. Always thinking of others. Always protecting others. And I’d like to think, if she were in your place, she would take a break, just for a little bit, and just… do what she wanted to do for herself.” Wen Ning smiled, “I don’t know if she ever had the chance to do that, but if you do, maybe I can believe she did too.”

Song Lan still looked skeptically at Wen Ning, reattaching the spirit bag to his side but not letting go.

“We’ve both been used as puppets. We, more than anyone, should know that there are sometimes things we do that we can’t be blamed for. And if there were one thing I could tell my sister if I had the chance, I would want her to know she was allowed to live her own life too, that the worst part of bad things happening to me was never what was happening to me, but was worrying about how she might hurt herself to fix it.”

The words resonated in Song Lan’s head as he processed them. He looked down to the spirit bag. If there was a chance - even a chance - that Xingchen could come back, he would do everything he could to be sure that Song Lan would be the person Xingchen needed, not just a guilt-ridden protector, but a true partner.

The two parted ways not long after that, Shuanghua mysteriously lighter when Song Lan picked it back up. Song Lan wondered whether his conversation with Wen Ning would have happened if the sword had not been so heavy before. It seems it might have encouraged him, coaxed him into having his first conversation about Yi City since his departure from that cursed place. Not forced, not threatened, just gently guided him into making a choice that ended up being right for him.

Song Lan had decided to make the long journey to the place where he and Xingchen had first met, a quiet town not far from Baixue Temple. He knew many of the people in the town, so any stranger was remarkable, but he had been especially curious as to why such a man would be buying enough food to serve a small banquet. He had followed Xingchen around a corner into a dark alley. Song Lan had hidden in the shadows and watched as the man had knocked on a door Song Lan had never noticed before. The door soon opened to the sounds of wailing children and a very tired looking woman. Song Lan hadn’t been close enough to hear the conversation, but he did see the food, all except a tiny portion, handed across the threshold to the thankful woman inside. Xingchen had smiled, his beautiful, heart-shattering smile, then turned to leave the way he came.

Song Lan had realized too late that there would be no way Xingchen would pass him without seeing him there, and leaving the alleyway at a run would be even more suspicious, so he had stepped out and greeted the man who would soon become the dearest person to him in the world.

“I saw what you did there. That was kind of you.”

Xingchen had simply smiled that gentle smile of his, held out the little food he had left and said, “Would you like some as well?”

Now, Song Lan passed by the same alleyway, the town, still so familiar, had had enough changes to make it feel a little uncanny. He wondered vaguely what had happened to all those children, who would by now (hopefully) be healthy, happy adults.

Before he fully realized what he was doing, he bought some food from the same stand Xingchen had visited all those years ago, from a man who looked like a carbon copy of the previous vendor, though with a rounder jaw. Song Lan followed the same path he had all those decades ago, found the little door, and knocked.

When the door opened, a man just as disheveled as the woman had been back then stood there, looking confused. Unable to speak, unwilling to write, and unsure how to put his reasons for being here into words, Song Lan simply bowed, handed the food to the bewildered but cautiously thankful man, and left. He laughed at himself - what a ridiculous thing to have done. This simple gesture - one without fighting, done without guilt, without a drive to do anything but the things he thought might make him happy, might make someone else happy, would remind him of his fondest memories, even though it might have left the man confused, left him glowing inside. He felt full though if he, unlike Xingchen, had forgotten to retain any of the food for himself. The warmth of the glow travelled from his heart and radiated outwards, a small smile formed on his face, and as he felt himself relax through the very ends of his fingers, Shuanghua lighter than ever. He felt a slight quiver at his side.

Eyes widening, he reached down and pulled the spirit pouch up to his face, peering closely at it. Was it… fuller than before? He wasn’t sure if it was his imagination, but something certainly felt different about the pouch. He held it close to his cheek, and as he did, felt a soft vibration in the cloth, no more noticeable than if a moth had flapped its wings inside, but definitely there.

Xingchen. Xingchen, I’ve got you. He wanted to say, And I know you’ve got me. He moved the pouch to his chest, hugging it tight, hoping the meaning might come through to whatever form his Xingchen took right now. I know we’ll get through this together.

A year passed, a year in which Song Lan learned more about himself than he had ever allowed before. He had grown restless after three months of walking through various places and memories, eager to get back to his work protecting the innocent wherever trouble arose.

Gradually, he felt lighter. He had learned he could take breaks, and was greatly rewarded when he did so. He felt Xingchen’s pouch shift and saw it glow more and more frequently and dramatically over time, most reliably whenever Song Lan paused to relax, to take in the little things. A patch of flowers at the side of the road. Children who played, laughing through markets. And, though this had taken the longest to prompt anything but a deep ache in his core, couples walking side by side, hand in hand, taking in the scenery but turning again and again back to each other.

He visited Wen Ning sometimes, to ask advice, to see how he was doing. It felt good to have someone who understood, a much needed anchor to this world while his world still fought to reassemble himself at his side. Besides, Wen Ning was training himself to carry on his clan’s legacy of healing, and Song Lan was not immune to the occasional need for medical attention, and no longer felt that healing needed to be put off until all the other work was done. Wen Ning was especially excited to discuss the books on mind healing he had found in some books he had found, hidden for years in Dafan Mountain.

Song Lan was sure that Xingchen was healing, but in the meantime, despite the glows and quivers of the spirit bag, Song Lan still felt very alone. He felt the loneliness less as time went on, as he allowed himself to spend more time celebrating victories with villagers, more time enjoying the world around him, more time reminding himself that he had friends still in this world. The loneliness could not be chased away, and though they had dampened, he still experienced pangs of guilt some mornings as he put Shuanghua onto his back, or brushed against the spirit pouch, or if his mind wandered to thoughts of Yi City, the one place he and Xingchen had both visited that he refused to return to. These feelings were still there, would never truly disappear, he thought, but as he took more time to pursue the paths he wanted to follow, to protect himself if he stumbled into dangerous situations, he began to feel, despite his loneliness, whole.

After another full year, one full of more joy than Song Lan remembered in the last 20 years since he had come home for his Master’s birthday, but a year not free of nights weeping over the sword and pouch he carried, not free of moments where he reviewed every detail of events from their first encounter with Xue Yang to Song Lan’s last moments with Xiao Xingchen and told himself all the things he should have done differently, all the moments that could have changed everything. But these moments grew more distant, shallower with time. Song Lan continued his visits with Wen Ning, who never failed to share some proud story about his nephew, who by Wen Ning’s account, was shaping up to be the top cultivator of his generation. Song Lan, in return, brought back the slowly shifting tales of the Ghost General he heard whispered through villages - that if you stood in a certain spot under a full moon, the Ghost General might enter your dreams, giving you advice sure to bring you good fortune. Song Lan had never revealed the source of these rumours, but he was sure Wen Ning had his suspicions. They had both been near dead, had both lost nearly everything, but were both managing, were both happy, even.

The one thing Song Lan wished for in the quiet hours, the thing he on some level had always known would come, even before he’d been told it was possible, came on a quiet night, a quiet night with a full moon, wind gentle on Song Lan’s face. He was sitting on a hill, alone, simply enjoying the feel of the breeze on his face, the spirit pouch sitting on his lap as it often did on such nights, when the pouch moved. It was not violent, not trembling. It seemed almost purposeful, the bag expanding, and in doing so, shifting closer to Song Lan’s hand, which rested on his thigh. On contact with his hand, the bag began to glow. Not the gentle flickering it had produced in the past, but a steady, yellow shine, strong and… and… healed.

All thoughts of a quiet night evaporated as Song Lan grunted in surprise, brought the bag to his chest and squeezed it tight, willing his love and support through as hard as he could. He touched Shuanghua, trying to communicate softly that the one they had been waiting for might be here soon.

He stood on Fuxue, and crossed valleys, mountains, towns, all the way to Gusu, far faster than he would have previously thought possible.

After flying nonstop all night, he arrived at the gates of the Cloud Recesses just as the guards were starting their duty for the day. The white and blue disciples blinked and exchanged a glance at the panting cultivator who had just landed on the steps, who had bowed politely, but urgently at each of them in turn. One of the guards opened his mouth to ask this unannounced guest who he was, but another, looking open-mouthed at the two very recognizable swords strapped to the man’s back, cut the first off.

“Get Hanguang-Jun,” this second guard commanded, and the first nodded, setting off up the steps.

Hanguang-Jun was at the gates in a matter of minutes, his neutral, cold look melting into something softer when he caught sight of the unbreakable smile on Song Lan’s face.

“You are both ready.” Hanguang-Jun did not phrase it as a question, but Song Lan nodded anyway. Hanguang-Jun mirrored the nod in response, said, “Come,” and turned to walk back up the stairs. Song Lan obliged. He was hardly absorbing anything that was going on around him, focused more on the stirring spirit, the life, at his side to take in any of the serene beauty of the residence.

“Lan Zhaaan, what could be so urgent that I had to be up before 9?” Wei Wuxian’s voice rang loud and clear through the quiet of the Cloud Recesses as they reached the main residences.

Wei Wuxian had come out of a room rubbing his eyes. Song Lan vaguely noted that the room was called (in the state he was in, he only just prevented himself from laughing giddily at someone of Wei Wuxian’s temperament ever being in such a place) the Jingshi.

“Wei Ying.” Hanguang-Jun drew the other man’s attention to their visitor.

“Song Lan!” Wei Wuxian bounded over, all talk of exhaustion gone. He looked down at the pouch Song Lan still clutched to his chest, at its fullness, at its glow, and at Song Lan’s peaceful look of genuine happiness, of profound hope.

Wei Wuxian smiled. “I think this will work.”

It took some time to gather what they needed. Wen Ning was summoned to retrieve Xiao Xingchen’s body. Wei Wuxian prepared the necessary space and talismans, and also Song Lan, who, the Yiling Patriarch explained, was key to this whole process.

“It’s your eyes.” Wei Wuxian explained with a smile, “I can’t usually revive the dead after so long but then I realized… Xiao Xingchen still lives. By continuing to live and breathe, you kept his body alive and connected to this world while he worked on his soul.”

Within a week, they were ready. Song Lan had almost cried when Wen Ning had arrived carrying the limp body of the man thought about so often during the years, but refused to visit precisely because he didn’t want to see him like this. They laid Xiao Xingchen’s body on a bed in a guest room.

Song Lan knelt by the bed and opened the bag that had been by his side all this time. He was only faintly aware of the flute and guqin music playing in the background. As instructed, Song Lan looked into the bag, then slowly drew his gaze from the soft, beautiful glow, to the equally beautiful but horrifyingly still form on the bed. The glow followed along the path of his gaze as if pulled along by a string. The spirit entered Xingchen’s chest.

Silence, but for the flute and guqin music.

Song Lan’s heart seized, the last week’s high yielding to a sudden fear - what if, after all this, this didn’t work? It was only experimental. Wei Wuxian had never done this before. No one had ever done this before. He knew he would live even if this failed, but that almost made it worse. What if…

A finger twitched. Hands moved.

Song Lan’s eyes widened. He had never missed his tongue more. He wanted to be able to say something to Xingchen. To tell him he was there. That they were together, had been all this time, but now could finally touch and share in each other’s worlds again, be truly home again. He ended up communicating all this the only way he knew how, by throwing himself over the stirring white robed man and sobbing.

Xingchen’s mouth opened and let out a breath, held for 20 years, carrying with it two gentle syllables, “Zichen.” His chest rose and fell. Two pink spots grew on the clean white cloth covering the place where the eyes now living in Song Lan’s head had once been. Red began to drip down the sides of Xingchen’s face. His arm reached up, towards Song Lan. One arm, then the other, found the man who had remembered him, carried him, loved him, for so long. “Zichen” the newly revived man repeated. The music stopped, and Song Lan understood that the other two, who understood what this moment meant probably better than anyone, had given them the time and space they so desperately wanted.

Song Lan’s heart swelled at the sound of his name, at the name he had refused to even introduce himself with since he had left the side of the man who said it best. He held the other man closer, a person not just a spirit but a full person, gloriously alive, healthy, and happy in his arms. That they were both so complete, that they had both struggled to get to this point through their own efforts, that they had each done so with but not relying on the other’s support, only made their reunion that much sweeter. They were not two halves making one whole, but two wholes making a loving pair.

They could not stay there forever. That was for certain. And until they figured something else out, Song Lan couldn’t say the things he wanted to say unless they brought someone into this space to interpret. But for now, being here with Xingchen in his arms, that didn’t matter. For now, each other’s touch, their embrace, their tears, said everything that needed to be said. For now, every moment together, every breath together, felt like a new forever they would protect together.

Next: Chapter 1 of my post-Songxiao reunion fic

#untamed spring fest #the untamed #cql #songxiao #song lan #wen ning #xiao xingchen #casually sprinkles in a wn as therapist headcanon #Also I'm planning the last fic in this series of songxiao post canon standalones for day 24!#my writing #songxiao fix it series

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holeinotomemind · 4 years ago

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MLQC Fanfic: Hearts of Storm - Ch 5 - Carnage

WARNING: NSFW/18+ fic. No smut this chapter. Trigger warning for bombing and violence. Dub/non-con, eventual 3P, spoilers, long dragged out fic and angst. Not morally correct. Turn away if this is not your thing. Pairing: Shaw x MC, Gavin x MC, Shaw x MC x Gavin AO3 Link: [here]

Notes: [See full notes on AO3] Catch up post. Big thanks to Lutz and sushikitty (aka Aelyxandra) for betaing this chapter again! Plot plot plot in this chapter. I swear there'll be more Shaw and Yui interaction from the next chapter on!

There was no warning. Yui only saw a flash of light in her peripheral vision as the unexpected sound of an explosion erupted so loudly it made her ears rang. She jerked her head up and felt the slight rattling of her walls as she watched small debris clatter on her balcony floor after hitting her windows.

It took her a few moments to understand what happened, but before she knew it, she had already clambered on her feet. She looked out the window and saw pedestrians fleeing in every direction.

Perhaps it was her instincts as a producer that kicked in or perhaps with all she had gone through in the past year that even though she could hear her own heart racing in fear, she knew she had to do something. She hurried back into her room to put on some warm clothes and grabbed a few essentials before running out the door and towards the scene.

She already saw the scene of the explosion from her home, but nothing could have prepared her for the carnage awaiting her. As soon as she exited her building, the painful moans of the injured filled her ears and the metallic smell of blood mixed with charcoal-burnt human flesh filled her nostrils. In the corner of her eye, she saw a limb lying on the ground, its lifeless body lying several feet away from it.

She was frozen in place, her feet rooted to the ground as her body shook in fear. It wasn’t until she heard the faint sound of a child’s cry that she snapped back into action, running towards the sound.

Yui found the little boy sitting on the ground behind a vehicle. He couldn’t have been any older than five. He had tears streaming down his face, but looked unharmed otherwise.

“Are you hurt anywhere?” Yui asked, just to make sure.

The boy shook his head, still sobbing, “I want my mommy!”

“Ok, let’s go find her.” Yui patted the boy on the head to comfort him before asking him about the name and physical appearance of his mother.

Although the child was unable to give her much detail, finding his mother turned out to be an easy task as she was already running down the street, frantically calling his name.

As Yui handed the boy over to his mother, their hands brushed and suddenly, her body tensed. The scene of a second explosion slammed into her vision. Yui saw the people who scattered eastward running right into the second bomb, exploding less than a block away from the current location. Many more were injured and killed, including the mother and the boy who were standing right in front of her right now.

Yui snapped her eyes open, grabbing the mother’s wrist tightly. “Run the other way. Don’t go eastward.”

“What?” The mother was puzzled at the sudden command given by the stranger in front of her.

“Just do it. Now!” Yui yelled, this time looking at the woman dead in her eyes.

Without further questions, the mother picked up her child and obeyed, the urgency in Yui’s tone, too difficult to ignore.

Screaming at the others on the streets to do the same, Yui, too, picked up her feet and ran but only got a few steps in before the second explosion erupted.

BOOM!

Yui barely had the time to flatten herself against the ground. Clouds of debris swept over her as she flinched at the small objects hitting her exposed hands and arms used to shield her head.

She tried to get back on her feet once the dust settled, but felt disoriented. She stumbled on her feet as the loud ring in her ears continued. Shaking her head, she tried to get rid of the pain and regained her bearings.

Finally, she stood up to look around. There were even more bodies on the ground. The second bomb went off when the residents from the nearby buildings came out to either help or to flee the scene.

This was no accident. It was a planned attack!

Who would do something like that? And, more pressingly, were there anymore bombs waiting to go off?

Yui closed her eyes, trying to use her evol to see if there would be another explosion when she felt a hand wrap weakly around her ankle. She let out a little yelp in surprise.

The man on the ground said something to her, but she couldn’t hear him properly. Her hearing still muffled from the deafening explosion.

“Are you ok?” She quickly knelt beside him. It took her a moment to recognize the man. He was Mr. Qin, her upstairs neighbour. But the man who was always expressionless and rude now looked at her with pleading eyes, his face twisted in pain and lying in a pool of his own blood.

It took her shaking hands a moment to find the open wound on him, a deep gash on his abdomen, which must have been caused by a large piece of flying debri.

“Mr. Qin, hang on! The ambulance will be here soon.” She comforted him. But even as she put pressure on his wound, she knew she was unable to stop the blood from gushing out of his body. Slowly, his life slipped away from under her hands.

Tears rolled down her face as his hand fell lifelessly on the ground. Like a deflated balloon, she sat on the ground, staring at her hands, now covered in crimson.

She was told she was the Queen. She was told she was the one who can change the future, but people were dying right in front of her and she couldn’t do a thing. What was the point of having precognition when she couldn’t prevent these disasters? What was the point of having the Queen gene when she could only watch others die in front of her?

“Stop spacing out!” She vaguely heard someone yelling at her. The voice sounded far away, but her arm was grabbed and she was yanked to her feet in an instant.

She slowly turned her head towards the man and found herself staring into a familiar face, one that belonged to the person she least wanted to see.

Shaw!

She jerked her arm back in reaction and took a few steps away from him. How dare he appear before her again. As if glares can kill, with all her might, she glared at him - at the person who caused her so much pain the last few days. She didn’t understand why he had to appear before her again. Did he want to hurt her more or…

The dots suddenly connected.

She had been holed up in her apartment for the last several days and had ignored his calls, not only because she didn’t want to talk to the person who caused her so much pain, but also because she didn’t think it was important.

But now that she thought about it, the information in the USB key she got from working in the amusement park included a date, a time and list of chemicals amongst some other information. She had a very short time frame to steal the information, so she hadn’t had a chance to go through all the details. But if she remembered correctly, the date was… today.

Could it be that his calls were for her to go retrieve more information so that they could prevent today’s bombing? If she didn’t ignore his calls, could she have prevented this?

She looked towards Shaw again, horrified.

Before she was able to ask the question, Shaw already took a step towards her and snaked one hand around her waist to lift her up.

“What are you doing?” She pushed at him.

“Stop wiggling.” He tsked as he jumped on his skateboard and started skating away with her in his arms at top speed, somehow able to dodge the bodies on the ground. “It’s not my fault if I drop you.”

“Let me down! Don’t…”

BOOM!

The arms around her tightened as Shaw threw the both of them on the ground and the world spinned around her. Once again, debris swept over her, but this time she felt none of the pain she did earlier. She opened her eyes gingerly to find Shaw braced over her, covering her with his body, his hand on the back of her head holding her safely against his chest.

Shaw had always been the type to tell her to just run, teasing her for not running fast enough just before grabbing her hand and dragging her along with him. This was the very first time he actually shielded her.

Partly paralyzed with how to react and slightly confused from the blast, Yui simply stared at the man who just protected her. She watched as he slowly propped himself up. Placing a hand over his ear, he frowned as he shook the dust off his head.

She wanted to say something to him, but didn’t know what. She wanted to have nothing to do with him, but he was the one who protected her today when she needed it the most.

She saw his lips moving, seemingly asking her something after he helped her up, but she couldn’t hear a thing. The hearing she slowly regained a few moments ago gone again. He said something to her again, but this time, although she still couldn’t hear him, she was fairly sure it was something that would have annoyed her.

“Stay here!” Shaw yelled even though he knew from the absent look that she probably couldn’t hear him, so he gestured to the ground to emphasize his command.

He waited until she nodded at him before running off to retrieve his skateboard that, surprisingly, hadn’t blown far in the blast.

As Shaw moved from her line of sight, Yui noticed a familiar figure appear just a block away from where she stood. Standing tall in his dark colored uniform, the figure's short brown hair blew in the wind as he gave out order after order to his team to secure the area.

“Gavin.” She whispered, craving for his comfort, for the warmth of his embrace. She yearned for him to take away her fears and to help her to be brave again.

She took a step towards him, but quickly held herself back.

How could she still try to seek the comfort of Gavin after what she had done? And even if she was shameless enough to do so, this Gavin was not hers. If she went up to him now, he would only look at her with his cold gaze, much like their last encounter at the alleyway. He would probably think she was stalking him again.

She couldn’t bear that treatment from him. Especially not now.

Yui dragged her gaze away from him and noticed more and more soldiers in the now-familiar NW uniform began to appear at the scene.

A team of soldiers attempted to direct bystanders and those who were uninjured away from the scene, but it was obvious from their expressions that even they did not know if they were directing them towards safety or towards the danger of another explosion.

Another team went to check for survivors, but one after another, they checked the pulse of the victims lying lifelessly on the ground. One after another, they grimly shook their heads.

The iron-rich scent of blood and the charcoal scent of burnt flesh permeated the air.

She stood there unable to take her eyes off the scene. Her feet rooted into the ground and her body shook like a leaf in the wind.

Once again, Yui was overwhelmed by her own powerlessness. She was the Queen, and yet all she could do was stand there helplessly watching people die in front of her.

A large hand covered her eyes. The back of her head fell gently against a muscular chest as Shaw’s still somewhat unfamiliar warmth surrounded her.

Vaguely, she heard him saying in a gentle voice, “Let’s get you out of here.”

#mr love queen's choice #mlqc #mr love #mr love shaw #mlqc shaw #mr love ling xiao #mlqc ling xiao #shaw #ling xiao #mr love gavin #mlqc gavin #mr love bai qi #mlqc bai qi #gavin #bai qi #mlqc fanfic #mr love fanfic #fanfic

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tainted-musix · 5 years ago

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Why Romance Is Flopping.

I’m cutting the bullshit in this post, because people need a wake up call. But before I possibly get dragged I just want to state that I love Camila’s music (I believe that OMG deserved better, but that’s neither here nor there). In this analytic post, I am cutting out the relationship talk except for in one point I have to make. I am writing this as if I am not a big fan. I will show some grace but not much. With that being said lets begin:

“I think this particular moment after such a successful first album, it’s literally a make or break situation. Everyone’s watching this time, whereas the first time I could make a lot of mistakes and it didn’t matter too much because I was learning. This time around there’s a lot more stressful experience. It’s whether I can be a career artist fro the rest of my life or I had a very big album in 2011. That’s the difference, it’s a artists of the times or a career” - Ed Sheeran (nine days and nights

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKRzg6UfVZM

If you watch the video at 2:10 - 2:50 Ed Sheeran discusses the importance of an artists second album. It’s make or break, in a sense. I heard these words around 3 months ago and ever since the Romance release date it’s been rattling in my head. Naturally, I tried to push it off. I was like there’s no need to worry Camila is a talented artist with loyal fans there’s nothing to worry about...... WRONG!

I’m going to list the 2 MAJOR problems and then the rest of them in a second, but let me paint you a picture. Señorita has dropped. Every time I get on google there's a new card speculating Camila and Shawn are dating. A week or two goes by they are dating, blah blah. Fast forward to early last week I get a google card that reads, “Why Camila Cabello’s album is flopping”. I was like no, not possible. A few days day before Billboard releases the album ranks I read the article. It basically says the numbers aren’t looking that great like the first album. So I’m like no there’s still time. A few days later Billboard says Romance is #3.

So what went wrong? I’ll tell you.

The 2 biggest problems:

1.The comparison between Romance and Camila

2. Too many singles

BUT before I talk about those we need to talk about the other BIG problem. Problems started WELL before the album release date and tour was announced.

Albums are already hard to create to begin with, concept albums are even trickier. A concept albums purpose is to tell a story or show a theme through lyrics. Camila chose Romance. Concept albums are tricky because they risk being repetitive and depending on the topic unrealistic. This album struggles with this. An article from Vulture says this and compares Camila to Romance. The main point of the article is basically saying Romance doesn’t do in 47 minutes, what Camila in 37. They make the claim that Camila was clear and direct and the only songs that really do that in Romance are First Man, Cry for Me, and Shameless (basically). They also go on to talk about the deep cuts of Camila, “Consequences” and “Real Friends”, and how Romance lacks that emotion besides the maybe 5 songs. And I would be lying if I said some of the things said there aren’t true.

The next problem toes the line of the comparison problem. Shameless and Liar simply should not have put out at the same time. I understand completely why it was done. She talked about it with Zach Sang.

https://youtu.be/JCh2rBNZNNE

In this video she talks about how she likes putting out two singles. And that’s perfectly fine. She doesn’t have to follow the “written” rules of pop. Again I understand why this was done because Havana and OMG happened just like this, but the issue is that sometimes that kind of roll out only works once. And in this case that’s true. And the different is the song that wasn’t intercepted well didn't make the album. In this case both songs did. Those songs also had rappers on them and that’s just a formula that works.

And on a smaller scale Liar gives a “Havana” remake vibe and it just doesn’t work and was my least favorite of the two personally. In her defense though I don't think it’s fair to ask artists to constantly invent something that's never been done before. However, in this industry growth and change are the thing that separate the career artist from an artist of the times.

The third issue is South of the Border and Señorita. This is the beginning of the second BIG problem, too much music.

I didn’t see this as a problem until I read the Forbes article on it. And I can understand the issue. Camila spent a decent amount of time away from the public eye. She is not an artist that is always releasing music like rappers or some r&b artists. So over saturation can/is a major problem.

So Mi Persona Favorita comes out. It's a feel good song that got her a Grammy, tugs on the heart strings. Then Find U Again comes out. I’m like ok this is a nice little situation. It’s summer, I’m like ok album will come out 2020, she’s easing us into it (I’m into it, whatever trouble that you're thinking I could get into it). AND BOY DID SHE GET INTO SOME TROUBLE with the next release, Señorita. And right here is where you STOP! The marketing department really fucked this one up. If you know somethings going to be hot before it’s released and you know you’re going to milk a relationship and you are going to put your focus on that DON’T RELEASE ANYMORE MUSIC! But apparently, as must of us already discovered, Epic only hires buffoons. South of the Border drops and I love it. Gives the latin vibes everybody wants at the end of summer. We are having a great time then Liar and Shameless. Then the videos, the relationship, The VMAs. The announcement of an album all while beginning to get hated on for a relationship that didn’t need to be created.

While people are calling bullshit on the relationship. Cry for Me is released. At this point, I’m confused. Like are we putting out the whole album now. Then we have the making out in the street and release of Easy and then SNL. And more relationship and release of Living Proof and AMAs performances (seriously she performed 3 times that night) and the announcement that the Romance tour tickets are going on sale soon and the album will be out December 6................................................................

I just want to know what the thought process was. THAT is WAY TOO MUCH CAMILA and the album isn’t even out yet.

And on top of that, album hasn’t even dropped yet and Presale tickets are on sale and a few days from then regular sale. So HOW EXACTLY? I just want to know who was in charge of the numbers. Because anybody with half a brain can CLEARLY see that some of these songs weren’t charting well or staying on the charts for that matter. So who gave the green light to be like ok, release the album. This is the worst roll out for an album, thank you, next right after Sweetener was WAY better than this.

WHO SCHEDULES AN ARENA TOUR BEFORE ALBUM SALES EVEN COME OUT! Realistically she wasn’t selling out every single show last tour, but all of a sudden we are doing arenas. Camila has fans I’m not saying she doesn’t but there are a lot of unsold tickets and things aren’t looking good right now. They oversaturated the market and now they are scrambling to put the pieces together. AND LETS NOT FORGET the album was leaked 2 weeks before the release.

AND another big problem with all these singles is that the other songs left that people hadn’t heard weren’t strong enough to carry the weight of the leak and the songs that weren’t heard besides maybe 2 were repetitive. Half the album was already out and one of the songs was leaked a year ago. The other one was already come and gone from #1. The album release should've either been pushed back or all those singles��shouldn’t have been released.

The label needs to stop with the lying and trying to save face because they fucked up. This relationship has caused some fans to leave, people don't want listen to the album because it's repetitive, she's getting slut shamed on social media and she's supposed to do Cinderella soundtrack.

And the is a problem on it's own and is my biggest worry because that soundtrack could turn into Camila’s version of Ariana’s Charlie’s Angels Soundtrack really quick and that went TERRIBLY. And for her sake if it goes poorly I don't want that project. It's too much Camila at once. There was no pacing and that is the problem with this album. She was gone for months and when she comes back it’s her team trying to put her in the headline EVERYDAY. We get it you’re spending New Year’s with Shawn.

This era is just repetitive and predictable. Talent and songwriting are not going to be the downfalls of her career. It's going to be the lies she’s forced to tell, the secrets she’s supposed to keep, and her likablitly going down the drain.

Links to articles:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/hughmcintyre/2019/10/09/is-camila-cabello-promoting-too-much-music-right-now/#d225cef37d5f

https://www.vulture.com/2019/12/camila-cabello-romance-album-review.html#comments

https://www.latinpost.com/articles/142968/20191215/camila-cabellos-album-and-tour-unsuccessful-critics-claim.htm

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multiply014 · 6 years ago

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Accomplice (2/?)

Again, Happy ShinAi Day, everyone!

This isn’t really ShinAi, but I wrote this chapter to Accomplice to start off the prompt posts for my 31 Days of CoAi project! If you haven’t seen my meta post yet:

I will be posting very short fics daily from 4/2 to 4/30! (tag: x prompt fills)

If you’re interested in my ramblings about the CoAi fics I’ve written, I’ll be talking about them one at a time daily from 4/1 to 5/1! (tag: x fic posts)

And, finally, on 5/1, I will be posting One Chilly Morning, which is the third chapter to One Rainy Afternoon, to end my 31 Days of CoAi project…

This month will be a ride, for sure! As much as I’ve expressed how incredibly painful preparing this project for me is, it has been loads of fun for me to express my love for CoAi, and in such a grandiose manner too!

I think I consider this project my love letter to CoAi. I’m a sucker for the romantic, sorry, haha!

I hope everyone enjoys it, too, to the very end!

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31 Days of CoAi Prompt Fill 1 of 31

Accomplice

Fandom (Pairing): DCMK (CoAi) (KaiShi) Title: Accomplice Summary (Word Count): AU where there is no APTX, and the partner became the accomplice. (2493+?) Links: Also on AO3 and FF. Part 1 is also on Tumblr (tag: x dcmk accomplice)

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“This is the fifth time you hit me, detective!”

As what’s becoming usual between the two of them, Kudo Shinichi ignores Kid’s complaints as he chases Kid across a maze of hallways and stairways, this time in the TV station building where Kid nicked the showpiece during live broadcast.

The way this Kid is much more talkative tells Shinichi the thief he’s been chasing for the past heists is Thief Kid. Only Thief Kid.

And that pisses Shinichi off more than he’d like. Is Thief Kid thinking he can just pull off whatever he wants against him without the assistance he’s particularly proud of?

Shinichi can’t deny Thief Kid did manage to escape last time. And the other time. And that other time, too. But that’s in the past. The present is much more important because in the present he’s been leading Thief Kid into a dead end and he’s been wonderful in cooperating so far.

Yes, a dead end that does not include rooftops, nor windows and, even, vents.

All this while kicking various office property at Thief Kid that he swears is necessary for him to be able to lead Kid into his setup. Yes, all necessary. He can’t help that he has just that good aim since he’s just that good at soccer, and that Thief Kid can’t dodge completely right?

As Thief Kid leaps to the right after Shinichi kicks a trash can to his left, smoothly going into the room Shinichi has been steering him into since the chase began, he shouts, “Will you stop being so violent if I answer one question of yours?”

Shinichi enters the room in a beat, and excited as he is with his plans falling into place, he doesn’t even think before he asks, “You’re alone this time?”

In the middle of the room, Thief Kid is stunned into silence for more than a second, and Shinichi feels seeing the expression is so gratifying... until Thief Kid laughs. As much as Shinichi wanted to remain unaffected, the corners of his mouth turn down, uncontrollably, to an unmistakable grimace.

They stay like that for a short moment, Shinichi blocking the only exit to the room and Thief Kid cackling while holding his sides, in full of view of the unamused detective in front of him.

Thief Kid, after laughing for a good while, wheezes, “...That’s it? That’s the question?”

Shinichi’s scowl grows deeper in reply.

Thief Kid, as chatty as he’s proven to be these past heists and as shameless as Shinichi had always assumed him to be, continues, “Are you trying to pick me up? Or are you trying to pick me up?! Oh, another misguided youth, you wouldn’t be able to handle me! To be honest, the safer option is to fancy the good ol’ me in front of you! Oh, but then, dear, why so violent! You must be gentle when courting! That must be why you’re still single, detective...”

Not even bothering to focus on whatever nonsense Thief Kid has been spouting, Shinichi backs up a few steps to end up just outside the doorway, and proceeds to kick the bin nearby in a perfect trajectory to Thief Kid’s incessantly babbling mouth.

Thief Kid deftly sidesteps to avoid the projectile, all the while dramatically intoning, “Whoa, whoa, detective, keep that up and you’ll chase me away! I’m not an M, really, I’m actually pretty vanilla! I prefer the traditional way of courting—”

With a snappy kick to the top of the bin that had fallen off, Shinichi manages to hit him right on his arm this time, and Thief Kid yelps, “—Ouch!”

“Hey! Ok, ok, I’m alone today! Tch!”

Seemingly soured by another arm injury, Thief Kid throws a familiar canister hard on the spot on the floor between the two of them almost petulantly—but Shinichi is prepared. He quickly wears the mask he had Hakase make and rushes Thief Kid.

He’s just four—no, three big steps away from Thief Kid, and then he feels a prick right smack in the middle of his forehead. He feels his senses fade, and the foot he had raised in an effort to take an even larger stride to handcuff Thief Kid lands on the floor without strength, and he falls, face down.

“This is going to cost me big...” is what Shin hears over the hissing of the cloudy white gas from the canister, which is evidently not the sleep gas he had been preparing for.

The last thing he hears is a big sigh before everything cuts to black, and it frustrates Shinichi that he knows exactly why this feels like déjà vu.

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When the next Kid heist comes around, Shinichi’s face is set to such a grim expression that even Nakamori-keibu is apprehensive about going near him, much less ask him why.

Shinichi doesn’t notice the dark aura arising from him though. He’s mentally going through his plans and their preparations, watching the clock as the seconds tick closer and closer to the announced time.

Still, whatever his plans and how intricate they may be, Shinichi certainly didn’t expect that before the heist has even started, he’ll find himself blacking out already.

And out cold he is, with a handful of seconds to spare before the clock rang out the time.

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As soon as Shinichi regained consciousness, his resentment overrode his survival instincts and, without even taking note of his state and his surroundings, he immediately forces out the words, “Is this a thing, you rendering me unconscious?”

“Hit him again and I’ll make sure you won’t be able to move a single limb for a week,” is what he hears before he can even regain his focus.

It’s that flat voice, familiar in its tone, at the same time unfamiliar due to the high, decidedly feminine, pitch it now has, that responded to him.

It’s him—or her, Escape Kid. Shinichi feels a bit of pride, being able to force both Kids to act against him.

But then again, he can’t exactly gloat right now since there’s a dangerous intent emanating, not so much dripping killing intent, but enough menace to know Escape Kid fully intends to go through his threats.

And he can’t even lift his head nor open his eyes yet to see just where he’s been dragged off to.

Quite possibly, and correctly, expecting him to stay silent in his disorientation, Escape Kid continues, “I trust you’re smart enough to understand with just one warning, detective. Because I only warn once.”

Shinichi hears a rustle of clothes and shuffling of feet, and he deduces that Escape Kid is about to leave. Escape Kid stops a moment though, and Shinichi hears them say, “And. Not that he’d need me to outwit idiots… but he’s not alone. So since you aren’t any help, stop messing with us. Else—”

“—You’ll knock me out at every heist. How very imaginative of you, and how very unlike a criminal,” Shinichi croaks, with as much ridicule as he can, cutting them off as he struggles to sit up, tied up as he is.

“So noble,” he continues, hoping it drips with as much sarcasm as he intended that to have. He can finally open his eyes a bit, the light flooding his sight, surprisingly, since he expected to be locked in a dark room, even when he’s managed to open them in just tiny slits.

“Clearly I’m the villain here, and it’s Kid, innocent Kid, who must be protected at all costs—” Shinichi stops suddenly when he manages to successfully lift his head and he finally sees his kidnapper: brunette—no, that’s not the right shade—locks, mostly hidden by a black cap, tied in a low ponytail, in a black bodysuit and tight-fitting black pants, with a plain tactical belt laden with pouches, boots securely tied, eyes that, though blocked by the cap, he can feel literally and figuratively looking down at him, a murderous looking smirk that chills his bones—

“Yes, yes, detective dear, I must be protected at all costs! I am the clearest, most precious, gem, the purest white pearl of the deep blue sea, the paragon of innocence! I’m just a kid after all!”

The room that had dropped several degrees in temperature returns to normal the moment Thief Kid started his boisterous entrance. Shinichi turns his head to see the familiar gaudy white outfit, cape swishing as if to emphasize his unending droll claims to virtue.

Upping the level of absurdity, Thief Kid, hands on his hips, goes on to say, “On the other hand… you! I was wondering where my persistent suitor was and I go and find him cheating with you!”

Escape Kid’s smirk had long gone from her face. Now a small amused smile has taken its place, as she says, “I knew he was your type. You would never have put up with him otherwise.”

“Hey! I missed you too, don’t be jealous now... After all," Thief Kid clears his throat, "I’m not alone, right?”

“… You..!”

“Heh, the queen has issued her decree! By her majesty’s orders, I can be injured no more!”

“… Calling you a birdbrain would insult the birds, really…”

“If her majesty would give me her hand, I would love to whisk her away from this dull and gloomy place, very unfitting of her personality as bright and sunny as—”

“Shut up. Let’s go, idiot.”

“Aye! By your leave, madame!”

Shinichi finds that he doesn’t have the words to describe what he’d just been audience to, except, maybe, a romcom skit starring a brazen flirt and an overprotective tsundere..?

Thief Kid’s voice blasts through his thoughts though, as he calls out, “Hey, I just saved you from the devil’s wrath; you owe me one, detective!’

Shinichi, having done nothing but lie down then sit in who knows how long, finds himself feeling incredibly tired already throughout the whole affair. Since he still can’t move his arms and legs, he can only reply, “I owe you. Really.”

In contrast to Shinichi’s I-might-as-well-be-lying-in-a-ditch-since-I-can’t-do-anything-like-this mood, Thief Kid is in high spirits, answering in an almost too-bright tone, “Was that your attempt at sarcasm? Anyway, yep, you do! You really wouldn’t want to know what she can and would do. See you! Someday, maybe, you can make it up to me and her royal highness. Until then, you’re in my debt!”

Shinichi feels this the most radiant he’s ever seen Thief Kid, even as he scrambles out the door, shouting after Escape Kid...

… Leaving him with a temporarily paralyzed body, bruised ego, confusion, and, if he’s being honest, keyed up anticipation over the next heist.

Except he’s not being honest, so he settles for annoyance and curses both Thief Kid and “her royal highness” under his breath.

I only warn once, your ass.

You owe me, your ass.

Meanwhile, two figures escape with the stolen scepter, unbothered and uninjured.

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Check out my 31 Days of CoAi series on AO3 for a better formatted information on my project!

#31 days of coai #coai #haibara ai #edogawa conan #detective conan #dcmk #x writes #x prompt fills #x dcmk accomplice #a little bit of #kaishi #and a little bit of #kaishin

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fitnessexpert00-blog · 6 years ago

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The 5 Most Shameless Money Grabs By The Fitness Industry

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/must-see/the-5-most-shameless-money-grabs-by-the-fitness-industry/

The 5 Most Shameless Money Grabs By The Fitness Industry

By now, most of us have given up on our annual January attempts to shed some of the excess weight our rampant holiday feasting slapped on us. We’ve given dieting a shot. We’ve hit the gym. The most desperate of us may have even dabbled with fucking CrossFit. Yet as the weeks go by, we’re slowly adapting to our new, slightly portlier figures and learning to embrace the additional padding.

At least, that’s how most of us function. A select few will take one last, sad step and decide to give working out at home a try. You know, because the driving to and from the gym is what really sucks about working out. Not everyone can afford to shell out for their own cardio machine and an array of weights, though, and opt instead to pay still-obscene dollar amounts for useless machines that promise a shortcut to health and fitness. For example …

#5. Osim iGallop

Do you like horseback riding, but hate the idea of owning and caring for a giant animal? That … actually makes sense. Riding’s pretty good exercise, but horses are a hassle unless you happen to have a handy stable nearby, which you don’t. Also, a horse eats and poops, and keeping up with both costs about as much as a car payment each month.

Way less sad to put a bullet in your car when it breaks down, though.

It’s not the ideal setup for the occasional 20-minute workout, is what I’m saying. So why not get a fake horse? I’m not talking about kids’ rocking horses, or one of those mechanical bulls western-themed bars are so fond of (although if you have the room and money, holy shit, absolutely buy a mechanical bull). There are devices out there that simulate your body’s movement during riding, minus the “hanging on for dear life” part — which, come to think of it, is roughly 99 percent of the exercise you get from horse riding. Oh well. Still, maybe products such as the iGallop aren’t a complete waste of time. Let’s see what the ads say it can do:

… um. Ma’m? I’m not sure if you’re aware of it, but there’s no way you’re performing in an advertisement for a fitness product. Maybe that’s what you were hired for, but that’s either a Jessica Simpson video or the first minutes of a softcore porn flick. There’s no way whatever the hell you’re sitting on is a machine for “exercise,” and even less of a chance said machine doesn’t vibrate.

OK, maybe I’m being a little unfair. Maybe that tacky GIF is just an anomaly, and the product’s official promo pictures don’t make it look like an orgasmatron.

Wrong!

I’m not saying this is necessarily a bad product. Few things that are designed to make your ass slimmer are without at least a little inherent value. Still, I don’t care how great a core trainer this thing is — if you’re willing to throw $400 at it, you might as well stick it in a place of honor in your living room and maybe glue a few dildos on it. Because there’s no way in hell anyone who sees it is going to believe it’s anything but a fancy Sybian.

#4. The Face Trainer

SkyMall is a gift that keeps on giving for enterprising comedy websites. Their sales are comprised of 70 percent panicked gift orders, 30 percent irony, and 100 percent being so bored and/or drunk that ordering wine glass holder necklaces for your entire extended family seems like a hilarious idea. Still, at least the company generally limits its antics to the sort of clever-but-not-quite-useful stuff Billy Mays might have peddled back in the day. It’s not like their target audience is too into the fitness marke–

Oh, god dammit.

Yes, that is a workout mask for your face muscles. And yes, it works by applying “proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles” — which, let’s face it, is just a fancy wording for “It’s a really fucking tight mask, and now you have to make faces. Give us money.” The Face Trainer promises to take years off you, which is a claim I actually fully believe, because there’s no way you won’t get chased off a cliff by a torch-wielding mob if you go out in public wearing this thing, doing frantic Frankenstein faces to keep it from suffocating you.

Unfortunately, it looks like the product was too stupid for even SkyMall, since it’s nowhere to be found on their site today. Or is it? A search with the keyword “trainer” gives me a bunch of Mad Max-themed neon trikes, terrifying elliptical trainers with random cords, a Star Wars “Force trainer” because of fucking course, and … the “Tribal Style Giraffe Mask.”

Look at the Tribal Style Giraffe Mask. Look at it:

Somewhere, the Jigsaw Killer is furiously masturbating.

There’s no way that thing won’t slim the shit out of your face the second you try it on, likely bear-trap-style. And you will try it on, if only to silence its constant whispering in eldritch tongues.

#3. ViPR

So you’re walking down the park early in the morning, doing something I generously assume is not crime-related, when you suddenly come across a group of creepy fitness types waving huge logs around. (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.) Like so:

“You won’t get away this time, Cobra Commander!”

Hahahahahaha! What the actual fuck is going on? Did you stumble upon a Warriors-style territorial battle between two 1980s-themed CrossFit factions? A no-budget Masters Of The Universe LARP?

Nothing that sane, I’m afraid. You’ve just witnessed the ViPR in action, and things aren’t going to get any better once those people actually start moving.

youtube

If you didn’t watch that video, two things. One: Please do; you owe it to yourself. Two: That exact same sentence, only much louder.

The ViPR infomercial is a simple piece of work at heart.

Indeed.

Basically, it’s several spandex-clad fitness enthusiasts doing the Stormtrooper stun baton spin …

No need to click that link. It looked exactly like this in the movie.

… mimicking everyday activities such as shoveling …

I think?

… and even clumsily engaging in some of that bullshit Klingon pretend fighting in which they slap each others’ bat’leths and expect people to be impressed.

Nerds!

Only they don’t have stun batons, or shovels, or unwieldable blade things. They’re doing it all with a fucking log. Called ViPR. I mean, I think the log is called ViPR, but maybe I misread something and it’s actually the true name of the entity that possesses all these people and forces them to do stupid shit for our amusement.

Example.

Again, I’m not saying this stupidly-named fucking thing is necessarily a bad product at heart. It has a number of holes that it claims makes it fully compatible with a number of other incomprehensibly-named gadgets the more impressionable gym might sport, so I guess you can at least join all those bullshit things into a giant Voltron of uselessness when you inevitably get bored with it. It��s just that if you’re trying to get in shape, I’d wager there are better ways to go about it than an exercise tool that makes you look like the Star Wars Kid grew up and joined a fraternity.