#ok i'm done. fuck this scholarship

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

So with some of the takes I've been seeing in the Wandee Goodday tag, I wanted to share my perspective.

Just to note - I firmly believe art is subjective and what we see can vary a great deal based on our own perspectives and lived experiences. I'm not calling anyone wrong, I'm just saying this is my personal take on things. (I feel like this should be obvious, but nuance is so often lost online).

And my main goal with watching QL is fun and escapism. I'm here to have a good time. I tend to go with the flow, I like imperfect characters (I even like the fucked-up ones), and I trust the characterization and plot elements to be doing what they need to do until a problem shows within the narrative itself.

Ok, disclaimers done - here's my take on Dee & Yak's interactions around the fake dating idea.

I think all of their interactions are deeply affected by the degree to which they have already developed genuine feelings for each other, but are not yet in a place to admit it, even to themselves.

Do I think Yak has real concerns about being out as a boxer trying to hit a career high? Absolutely. But I think his quick jump to a "let's end this" reaction was mostly a kneejerk attempt to protect himself for what he felt when Dee, the man he is already emotionally connected to, and desperately wants to be able to kiss, dropped a request for fake dating over a real deepening of their relationship.

We don't yet know the level of societal homophobia this show is aiming for, BL land can go many different ways with this, but considering his brother's openness in the gym that he owns, training boxers, there is a tone being set. Yak literally holds hands with Dee in the middle of the street. He doesn't panic when people recognize him at the hospital. This may change, but I'm going to trust the signposts that his career concerns are valid, yes, but are not the dominant issue between them.

Similarly, is Dee competitive and overly focused on winning? Clearly. It's set up in his earlier conversation with Yak for a reason. But at the same time, his insistence that it has to be Yak is not just about his need to win - again, this is about genuine feeling. He wants Yak. This is a way to get Yak, and to frame it to himself in a way that feels less scary and vulnerable, especially after being hurt by Ter.

I know a lot of people saw Dee as being pushy. I do agree with that, and yes it is going to cause more issues for them in the future. But I wish more people also saw Yak holding firm to his boundaries and refusing to give in to the immature behavior from Dee, showing why he's such a good partner for Dee.

And sure, we haven't seen Dee support Yak as much so far, but the scene with the mother and child wasn't there just for kicks. Dee is empathetic and caring, and that will be important in his relationship with Yak as well. He is there for people when things are at their worst.

Some people see Dee on the bridge as being manipulative.

I saw Dee as finally cutting out the toddler shit and being emotionally real about why he's taking the scholarship too seriously, how sensitive he is to what people think of him, why Yak is someone he trusts implicitly, and how he knows it's not Yak's problem and it isn't fair to expect him to fix it.

Some people see Yak as finally agreeing to fake date as showing he is weak to emotional manipulation.

I see a man who has more agency than that. I see a man who is affected by seeing genuine vulnerability both because of how caring he is as an individual, and because of how much he wants a real emotional connection to Dee. And eyes-open, he makes a choice.

These are two characters who have never just been friends with benefits from the beginning. And the narrative has never been about what they are saying. It's about what they are feeling.

[deepdeanvsweston]

Elizabeth Hurst headcanons?

INCREDIBLY INTERESTING ASK???

Also I'm really sorry this turned out more lore than headcannons???

So I have thought about this a LOT, not Elizabeth Hurst in particular, but all of the Five and her. Imo noone, especially especially especially children, act out for no reason so WHY was Elizabeth like that? The Five, having been caught up with Elizabeth, and of course the reasons explained in JFP, have plausible explanations for why they were essentially spiteful hags (that doesn't make it ok mind you!!!)

But Elizabeth??? There's nothing!!! The motive is explained ofc (her Burn Book like. 70 years before Mean Girls) but why does she like to collect secrets? I know it says it was a way of keeping people close to her but why does Elizabeth feel the need to do this to have friends? And now someone has ASKED me about this!!!

- she's an only child. She has to be. If she had grown up with a sibling, she would not have turned out the way she did and I absolutely stand by this

- if Elizabeth Hurst had had a sibling whether brother or sister, older or younger, she would have known about being bonded to someone, to care about someone so much you hate them, and to hate them so much you're filled with only care for them

- idk man, sibling relationships make me really feral ok!!! And it's so crucial to me for Elizabeth not to have one

- she is an only child, and has all the worst side effects from this!!!

- and her parents are SO weird about this. As a child they are always saying to her 'if you had a sister she wouldn't do that/she'd've done this/she would have done it better'

- and ofc there's noone there to be resentful at because she Does Not have a sister!

- and obviously the resentment needs to go somewhere and so Elizabeth learns to hate herself age 7. Which is obviously detrimental to a child!!! So she's already a little fucked up, essentially

- she has a governess until quite late in her teens as her father doesn't approve of the 'nonsense' they teach at girls schools, but he relents as he has been informed a girls with her wits about her is now a desirable match

- age 16 she starts at Deepdean School For Girls

- she's not the cleverest in her class (due to her father's views on girls and being clever) but she is the politest, and the most presentable, thanks to her governess and so very swiftly earns the teachers notice, and approval

- there is one shining first term at boarding school where Elizabeth is happy, she has friends, she was Good Enough for them! She didn't know how good it felt to have friends

- And then her parents arrive, for the half term or the exeat, or a hockey match (whatever holiday makes most sense)

- and she introduces them excitedly to her friends

- "this is Florrie, Florence I mean, we're on the hockey team, and that's Mags- Margaret and Una, we've just started a book club together! Enid's only a dayboarder, worst luck, but Lettice should be around here somewhere..."

- her parents take her out to dinner, and they start telling her how wonderful it would be to have the Five as daughters instead of her.

- her father says "you know, I've always respected scholarship earners. They worked twice as hard to get in! I'd be proud to have Enid as a daughter. Elizabeth, you should be more like her, none of these truly absymal B+ grades you've been producing."

- and her mother says "that Lettice Prestwich was such a beautiful thing, she's going to be SUCH a heartbreaker. I could only dream of such a perfect daughter. Elizabeth, maybe try to be a bit more like Lettice, darling..."

- and all the resentment she's been feeling, and aiming at herself, is now targeting the Five. They become her sisters in her head, the ones her parents think are better.

- she has never been good enough for her parents, so Elizabeth desperately wants to find out why everyone else IS.

- she tears their room apart in anger and frustration, and the secrets come crawling out.

- Nobody is perfect. Nobody is good enough. None of them will ever be perfect, and so she wants them, makes them, stick by her side

- they can pretend they're perfect all they like but Elizabeth knows the truth about them

- they're a fucked up little ecosystem of a family being held hostage by Elizabeth Hurst. But she still thinks they're family.

Also just quickly I think given even the smallest change of circumstances Daisy could have Very Easily turned out like Elizabeth Hurst.

[flashprotectionsquad]

I don't post a lot of my life here but things are a bit stressful right now, and so I thought I could try to get it off my chest over here

So I live in france, as I (almost) always have since birth lmao. But, yeah, I'm moving to Japan next month for a long time (for ever, even, i hope)

We already signed for our apartment, we have the plane tickets, I'm almost done packing everything, our cats have passed the health and vaccines check-up and requirement for Japan... Not much could go wrong now in term of moving

I'm still so scared and anxious lol

oh and I have a promise of employment from a Japanese company as a customer support in an export japanese company

I am absolutely terrified

The big part of the job is in english, I'm part of the customer support english team, but still, japanese is used a lot in the company, one of the recruiter even commented on it during my interview. I couldn't speak properly during the interview (in japanese) and like, I think they think it was due to stress????? it WASN'T, I don't know how to speak japanese lol

like, I understand most of the things I hear and read in japanese, it's quite ok, but I cannot, for the love of god, SPEAK IT???? I don't know why, the words don't come, my grammar is bad, it's a nightmare????? I'm still waiting for the result of my JLPT N2, but honestly I think I didn't pass, so yeah, fuck me.

I'm supposed to start next month (9/18), it's going to be my first office job also (I only worked in customer service before) so it's really a lot

I lived in Japan for a year(2022-2023) for my studies, but I was in a pretty small/mid city, and now I'm moving to Tokyo??? And I have an office job??? It's really not the same. Uni in japan was a bit chill (except the exams, some where hell-ish) but office jobs? I am so scared I can't even put words on it lmao

It's really like a dream coming true. I worked my ass off for 4 years to get the best grades, I got selected by the Japanese ministry of education to got to my Japanese Uni with a scholarship. Only 6 french students got that scholarship that year and I was one of them. I felt so much pride, and recognition, but my japanese level didn't really move? Even tho all my classes were in japanese, and almost no one in my city spoke english, I went to the hospital, the dentist, the doctors, the movies, everything in japanese, and I still can't align 3 sentences without hesitation about grammar, and not finding the right words??? I sound like a kid when I speak japanese, that's not appropriate in an office....

The anxiety and stress is killing it for me, i'm really sad and don't feel too good. My husband is trying to be supportive, but he doesn't know japanese, so he will rely on me in the beginning for administrations and shit, and he still hasn't really begun job hunting, so I still feel so much responsabilities on my shoulders.

He have money on the side (I don't) so he's telling that I don't need to stress too much, that if the job doesn't work out we still have some months to get back on our feet, but I don't want us to be in that situation? It's bad enough one of them will be unemployed for some time, we can't really afford to take our time? like-

I can't afford to lose this job, and I honestly doesn't want to. I want to do this job. I'm just scared i'm going to be bad at it, or not as good as my employer thought I'd be.

I don't want them to regret hiring me. It's scary.

But yeah. Tokyo. Here I come. In 24 days.

[nimnomdimsum]

Strawberry Jam

The context of this is that a girl named Millie from the city got stuck on the side of the road and a guy named Ben (hot sexy farmer) helped drive her to his town to the mechanic (also super hot sexy) they spend a few day together and now they making jam cuz Ben grows strawberries

"You pour the hot water into the jars so they don't break when u put in the jam," he said in a grumpy but matter of fact tone.

"I know."

He looked at me strangely, with a hint of disbelief in his eyes "What do you mean you know?"

"I used to make jam with my ma when I was younger"

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, turning back to stirring the strawberry jam "So yer one of those city girls."

I squinted and tilted my head to the side "What city girls?"

"The rich kind that had a garden in their backyard and 'farmed for a hobby'  the irritatin' ones"

Not feeling necessarily offended but more wronged, I huffed and said "that's mighty rude assuming I was a rich girl that had  expensive hobbies. Not that there's anything wrong with having a cute little hobby like making jam."

He looked back at me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk "You sayin I'm wrong?"

"I don't like sounding cliché, but yes, my family and I weren't dying of poverty but we sure weren't rich."

"Livin in the city? You were middle class at least "

"I didn't grow up in the city"

"Then where did u grow up, here?" He asked sarcastically.

"I grew up 3 towns away, about 50 miles from the town"

He paused his stirring, his eyes grew wide and he turned to me "You grew up in Yanner? The town of dust?"

"Yup, grumpiest people you'd ever meet", I said with a smile

"Then why you and yer family in the city, no one ever leaves yanner"

"Like I said, we weren't dying and I was smart kid. I got scholarships and my pa was the only farm that had kinda decent soil to farm"

"Fuck, millie, I didn't even grow up that fuckin poor. What school did you go to?"

"The one here actually, It wasn't fun" I smiled

He looked puzzled, does that mean they went to the same school? "why did you hate it, the kids too posh" he said dryly

I giggled " Nah, it was the drive here and back. Spent most of my day in those buses. Woke up at 4 am to get to school and got home at 6pm. Just in time to make and pack jam with my ma"

"School started at 8 and ended at 2, you tellin me you spent 8 hours a day just on a fuckin bus and u still went to school and did ya chores at home???"

"Yup! It was ok tho, got most of my homework and studying done on those buses. So I had a lot of free time when I got home and over the week ends"

"What did u even do on the weekends? Sleep?"

I chuckled "I wish. I was helping my ma sell the jam at this cute little tea shop in town. Ah I fucking loved making jam with my ma, she preped the fruit, I cooked and jarred them"

"Sounds to me u did all the work" he said a bit annoyed that my mom didn't do more with me.

"It was the deal tho, if I didn't want to help pick, clean, cut and peel the fruit, I'd have to make and jar the jam myself. I hated prep"

He shook his head with a smile on his face, of course she hates prep, the lazy shit. "You said u went to the school nearby? How old are u? I never saw u around."

"I didn't see u either, maybe you graduated before me. We also hung out with very different ppl. You probably would have bullied me, heh"

He didn't say anything for a while, he was a pretty shitty kid "I'm 25, the class of 2023"

My eyes when wide "no fucking ways. You're a lying shit"

"What, why tf am I a lying shit!?" He said annoyed.

I laughed hysterically "how tf am I 3 years older than u. I was the class of 2020"

It was his turn to looked shocked "THERES NO FUCKIN WAY YER 28, YER LITERALLY STILL IN SCHOOL "

"Yes fucking way. I've been studying for 5 years dude, i just dropped out fer a while cuz I developed a stress disorder so I looked after my family and worked for a mechanic in town."

"Who? There's only 3 mechanics in this area and my best friends one of them." He said like I just told him the most unbelievable thing in the world.

I rolled my eyes,"It wasn't Jackie, it was Mike, he was fine as fuck."

"Gross, don't be thinkin nasty things while talkin to me." He said a little upset but definitely grossed out.

"What? Can't a girl appreciate a guy's  good looks"

"Not when it's u Millie, I can practically see what u thinkin and it could make a sailor blush"

"Someones blushing alright" I smirked looking at ben's red ears.He scoffed , turning back to the jam. He was clearly embarrassed and annoyed, and decided to ignore me.

I didn't mind though, the silence was nice. It allowed me to look at the house more. It was quite big since it housed 2 other men, Jackie and Grant, they were sweet fellas and kind enough to let me stay here until Jackie fixed my car.

I hopped off the counter and walked towards Ben, he took notice of this but ignored me so I got closer til my chin rested on his shoulder.

"Can ya back off a lil, I'm tryna bottle this hot shit and I don't wanna spill", he said a little disgruntled

"Nah, you’re fine, plus if ya burn yourself I'll kiss it better,"  I said with a chuckle, a joke to lighten the old grump but instead of rolling his eyes or pushing me off, he froze and looked at me with wide eyes and his ears a bright red and looked back to the jam he was pouring into a jar. He slowly tilted further and further from the jar and closer to his hand, my eyes went wide and I pulled  his hand away "WAIT! I was joking, if you wanted a kiss, could've just asked"

He burnt even redder now, turning his head as far away from me as possible, under his breath he mumbled and 'oh' and I laughed. I turned his head to face to face me and tried to stare into his eyes but he averted contact, clearly very embarrassed. I giggled again and kissed his bottom lip since I was too short to reach his full mouth.

That got his attention since he gasped and looked at me with wide eyes, now his whole face was red, from his ears to his neck and probably lower, "Do you want me to do it again?"

"Yes”

Heyyyy…so this is kinda embarrassing but I wanted my bbg koi to judge it cuz this has been in the making for 2 years. HOPE U LIKE MWAH MHWA

Part 2

[cuntwrap--supreme]

Something a little fucked about going to dinner with people who have told your mom that you're "not ok" and shit since you were 8 and them entirely ignoring you, instead leaning over to whisper to your brother that they needed to talk later (about me) when I'm quite literally directly across from him. He texted me saying his aunt wanted to discuss me later.

So they're all talking further down the table and at some point I interject and say, "Yeah, ha ha, I heard you had some questions about me. Where better to get that information than the horse's mouth?" And this woman - who pretends to be Cherokee to, like, get sympathy and Liz Warren'd her way into school saying she was Cherokee when she knew she wasn't, got whole scholarships meant for minorities because of it - looks to my mother and goes, "Girl, I think you need to control your thing down there." So I stood up and said I'd rather walk 14 miles home in the rain than be in the presence of such vacant, soulless ghouls for a moment longer, told this woman she can pay for my meal with her husband's money, and walked. My dad, one of my sisters, and her boyfriend came after me and said that was fucked and they weren't gonna sit there after that. My dad said he was going to walk with me if no one handed over their keys because it was either that or he was going to jail for murdering this woman. Said he looked at my mom and asked what her response to that was, and all she said was that I'm clearly mentally unwell. As if 1) that's not directly her fault and 2) that's grounds to let someone call me a thing and talk shit about me for decades.

Pretty sure your parents are supposed to have your back? So he said after that was her response he told her good luck with her bills, he's done supporting her 20 years after they got divorced. I've been telling him this is how she treats me since I was a child, but he's never seen it in action until tonight. Like, I'd be 10 or so and doing 10 year old shit and she'd make sure I knew it was a sign of being depraved to pretend you're a wizard for fun or some shit and that I was probably going to end up a whore for work because I have no value; meanwhile, she's smoking crack with her boyfriend all the fucking time, exposing me to that and domestic violence, forcing me to be an adult and protect my siblings from her and her boyfriend's drug use from 8 years old onward, and allowing her boyfriend to psychologically torture me because well I'm weird so i deserve it, etc! Wow! It's almost as if isolating people in their formative years and instead forcing them to deal with constant stresses such as "will my mom die the next time she's thrown bodily across the room?" and "what happens if DCS doesn't believe my mom's lies next time? Will I be placed in a home full of other troubled kids, but some of them will rape me?" and "I've been told no adults will believe me when I mentioned my home life and surprise! they don't!" isn't good for someone.

I'm irreparable. Yeah. Sure. You got me there. But I'll be fucking damned if I'm going to sit idly by as these people talk shit about me when I'm 5ft away. Last time they saw me they talked to my mother about how I need to be institutionalized for - get this - not being feminine. Apparently that's a mental disorder now! Sorry, afab people! You have to be traditionally feminine or you're mentally fucked! I don't make the rules! Some people who got rich by marrying scam artists do! Or they told my youngest sister to stop talking to me because I'll only drag her down with me. Whatever that means. As if I didn't fucking raise that child more than either of her parents ever did. As if I didn't protect her from her father when he'd get high and want something to strangle while tweaking out and chose infant her. I should have punched this vapid excuse for a human square in the nose.

I'm so sick of how these people have treated me forever and how no one has ever had the balls to stand up to them because they all have money and they want to mooch off of that. They've hated me from Day One because I don't suck up to them. As far back as I can remember, they've told me I should dye my hair blonde, do makeup, wear high heels and slutty clothes so I can find a "good man" who will take care of me, then call me a weird dyke when I say none of that sounds like a way to find a man I'd get along with.

[bsdndprplplld]

11 II 2023

in two days I have my last exam and I have absolutely zero motivation to study for it

yesterday I had an oral complex analysis exam and I did very well, the professor said that I will most likely receive the top grade. my partial scores from this course add up to 80%, so if the oral one was for 100%, it yields 84% total. that sounds like a top grade to me although we haven't received the official report yet

I also had an algebraic methods exam a few days ago and it went ok, I completed 4.5 out of 6 problems. I probably have no chance for a top grade from this course because the professor is very strict with how many points qualify for that and I am not even close to what the best people had. this is why I have zero motivation to study for the oral exam from this course, if there was a chance to score a 5 (the top grade) then I would care, but if my options are 3.5, 4 or 4.5, I don't really see the difference

well, the difference lies in maybe applying for a scholarship after this academic year, but honestly that "goal" is just here to distract myself from feeling judged all the time. somehow I don't care about money as much as an abstract number supposedly rating my abilities so thinking of it as "try harder so you might get paid for it" feels less pressing than "try harder so you'll have higher abstract numbers and you can feel good about yourself"

jesus I fucking hate grades, I wish it was kept secret from me how much points I actually have, only receive feedback on the correctness of my solutions and the information if I am passing or not. I can never be satisfied with I am doing. last year I would see it as a success to score 4's at everything, now it feels like a failure because I already scored some 5's, so that's my new bottom line. and I know that if I did ace everything, I would be happy for about 5 minutes and then move on to picking up twice as many courses for the next semester because "it would be too easy otherwise"

grades, no matter what I'm getting, fuck with my self esteem so deeply. it brings out the worst insecurities, fears and memories, this is when I am thinking my darkest thoughts. I have no one to talk to about this and I am angry at myself for perceiving it this way. I wish these things didn't matter to me but they do, I don't even know why, it feels like a trap

I don't want people to tell me that "I'm great no matter what grades I'm getting" or that "I will do it, because I'm smart". I actually don't know what I want, and it sucks to put my friends into the situation where no matter what they say it's "the wrong line". ughhh I want this semester to be over so I can go back to only caring about learning as much as possible

my thesis advisor (I think that's what you call the thesis boss) sent me a paper to read and I'm curious what topic he picked for me. I will gladly read it right after I'm done with exams

[seiwas]

Hihi, he’s not actually pro PRO, since he’s still in his 3rd year of university. He plays in inter college n club tournaments, is a part of a local league. he has considered going actually pro after he’s done n im sure he can do it he’s just that good. He’s been offered scholarships for higher education due to his performance in these tournaments but he’s still yet to decide on that!

Ah n about how we started talking etc etc Oh my goodness I love this questionnnn so. I was definitely not in a mood for relationships after my ex but i saw him n was like oh he kinda cute but nvm. His smile was so pretty, he gets a dimple on his right cheek so ehhhh. I was near their table when one of his friends tapped on my shoulder n said something along the lines of “my buddy here thinks you’re- n then my to-be bf covered his mouth with his palm n they all started laughing??? I was all 😑🤨 Are u laughing AT ME or…?????? i thought they were a bunch of assholes making inappropriate comments n laughing like it’s the funniest thing in the world..cons of working at a night club is that u run into men like this all the fucking time

As they were all leaving, he came to me n apologised if he or his friends made me uncomfy n he just thought i was pretty n they weren’t insulting or making fun of me. I was all ???!!)??! okay??!!!??!! He said we could exchange insta n I wasn’t really that sure but said ok anyways.

He sent in a text apologising again the next day n he told me what he does where he studies etcetc. I did the same n he later told me he would love to take me out sometime but I explained to him that i had ended a not so good relationship just a couple of months ago so I didn’t want to be in the dating pool.

Glad he understood n didn’t push me further, we just continued to chat n never realised how close he had gotten. He invited me to one of his matches, from there we went to get Indian food (yum) n Ig that was it. He dropped me off to my apartment, I invited him n we talked about stuff….feelings…n :D yay !??!?

AAAHHH NONIE you're back 🥹 omg i'm so happy shdvsadb is it okay if i name you football anon? 🥹 but!! i need to clarify if its this football -> ⚽ or this -> 🏈 AHAHAHA (my brain went ⚽ but i'm not sure 😭😭😭)

oh my gosh doe nonie u must be so proud of him tho 😭 it's so cute how you gush abt him!! you're like his number 1 fan 🥺 crazy too that he's part of a local league!! (and all the scholarships too aaahh!!!) i am extending my support to him bc he seems like such a lovely guy, treating you right nonie 🥺 goodluck to him!! 🫶🏻

ANYWAY BACK TO SLEEPOVER TALK. MY goD the way u describe him nonie PLS 😭🥺💗 i am SQUEALING!! the dimple on the right cheek jsbfasj and how u notice his pretty smile!!! PLS!!! but i love how cautious you are nonie!! LIKE YEA. DONT LET EM MESS WITH YA YEAAAAA (it's so cute how he covered his friend's mouth tho 😭)

BUT IT'S SO CUTE HOW HE CAME TO YOU AFTER WTHEK!! he even apologised and clarified that they weren't laughing at you and he just thought u were pretty oMG ??!?!?!? did u buy it nonie or were u still skeptical... bhgsdj he seems so sweet texting u sorry again the next day + all his details 😭 AND!! how he was so understanding of your boundaries 🥺 i love that for you nonie 🥺 you deserve it!!! it's so cute how he was patient with you and continued to be your friend and got closer to you that way shdfbsadj how respectful!!! 🥺

AND AAAH that is such a cuTE getting together story 🥺 (i love indian food too sdbfj) i'm so happy you found each other nonie 🥺 am seriously grinning from ear to ear rN

let's have a sleepover!! 💗 send me any questions/stories you wanna share!!!

[torc87]

Difference between being white passing and white:

So I am a Russian born Jew. What this means is that despite being born in Moscow, my parents being born in Moscow, my birth certificate said Jewish. As did theirs. This also means that the only thing I knew about Judaism till I was ten ( we moved to the US when I was 8) was DO NOT EVER TELL ANYONE YOU ARE JEWISH. My mother told me that when I was 3 or 4. I think I must have told someone in day care? I can't recall but her telling me that, right outside the fence, is one of my earliest memories.

So yeah, not very religious us. I mean, we tried later. I won a year's scholarship and spent 5th grade in a yeshiva - my mother didn't know how else to pick out a school from the random list she got, just figured it shouldn't be a Christian for profit school. Only a year though bc I Was ten - I came home and started asking why we didn't celebrate any holidays. We tried ...first passover seder we did, my great grandparents served pork chops and apple turnovers. Bread and pork, exactly the thing for a seder, right? ( Ok, they knew about the pork, no one actually cared). My mother pulled me from yeshiva after a year bc I was going a bit deeper into the religious aspects than she was comfortable w.

I became Pagan at 16, it fit my beliefs better. I am still Pagan now, altar in my home and everything.

So not very religious, haven't worn a magen david since I was 12. Usually in pants, tank tops, etc. Bright colored red hair. I'm generally assumed to be Hispanic if it's summer - my skin tans dark.

I haven't had much to do w the Jewish community since I became Pagan. Haven't been in a synagogue since my great grandparents died.

Haven't had much to do w antisemitism either - I pass well, as I said. Unless people ask they usually don't realize.

I've had a college classmate ask me where my horns were - in all seriousness. She was Midwestern, hadn't met a Jew before. I looked at her like she was insane, bc who the hell actually believes that medieval drivel these days?

Or a coworker saying her college was controlled by Jews bc they gave major Jewish holidays off. Note that they also gave major Christian ones off too - as does EVERY public college and school in the US. That equality meant to her that she was being discriminated against.

But yeah, otherwise? I interact in the US like any other white person.

Primarily bc I don't participate in the traditions of my ethnicity and religion. It's really easy not to notice that Yom Kippur is a work day when I don't have to take a personal day for it. I don't fast and I don't care about working on it, so I don't have to take it off. See? Regular white person. Same w every other holiday. Same w not dealing w anti-Semitism - if no one knows I'm Jewish, I'm basically white, right? Maybe it would change how they treat me if they knew, but as long as I don't say it and don't act or dress Jewish, they won't know! Problem solved!

That's the difference btwn white and white passing. If people knew, if you did the things your identity usually does ( e.g. if you are gay and went out w men instead of being closeted) would the way people treat you change?

I found out for myself recently.

W all the rising anti-Semitism in the US the last year, I decided to wear a magen david again.

Not bc I'm not scared, not bc I think it's safe - but bc I think it isn't.

Bc I lost family in the Holocaust and while I am fully comfortable changing my RELIGION to Pagan, my ethnicity is and will always be Jewish.

Bc my rule has always been, if asked " I'm Pagan, unless an anti-semite is asking, in which case, fuck yes, I'm Jewish, is that a problem?"

Bc I refuse to be a hypocrite while there are a lot of anti-Semites asking that right now.

Bc I refuse to live in a country where I must hide my race or religion for my own safety. Been there, done that, we Left Russia bc of it. I'm not interested in going back.

So I put on a magen david. Got instant attn from coworkers. Peaceful, so far I hope, though I got a lot of questions on the Israel-Gaza situation that I hadn't gotten before and don't think anybody else has at all.

Not much else so far though.

So basically Jewish is like white w white privilege, right?

I'm in a white majority country, I'm not closeted, I'm still being treated ok, so Jews must be white ?

Except...

That first day I put on my magen david, the purpose of wearing which was to be visibly Jewish, I was visiting my grandfather in the rehab center.

He's in his 90s. WW2 Ghetto survivor. Doesn't speak English.

And I was putting on the magen david to go visit him ...and I realized that while I can cope w discrimination due to it, if I wore it, I could not guarantee his treatment by the staff of the rehab center wouldn't change once they realized he was Jewish.

It's a hell of a helpless feeling, to know your vulnerable family member is dependent on people who could treat him badly or even just w less care the moment they found out his ethnicity.

It is ethnicity, by the way. He is as religious as the rest of us - not very. Lived in Russia all his life. Eats pork. Doesn't keep holidays. But people could chose to treat him badly bc of who he was born as.

Doesn't sound very white to me now, that. Not many white people are treated badly bc of their race in a white majority country.

Don't think many white people had to hide their heritage, as I chose to do, in 2024, in a liberal city that has a lot of Jews, out of fear of the treatment their vulnerable family would receive from staff.

Do ethnically white British people have that experience ? Ethnically Irish or Scottish in Britain maybe, but then Irish/etc weren't considered white by Brits less than a century ago. I know Italian heritage folk don't hide they are Italian to avoid being treated badly.

But the tiny act of wearing a necklace - not changing my clothes, not the way I speak, not my location or birthplace or opinions was enough to create the possibility that people would treat me and him different.

As other.

That is a far closer similarity to white passing African Americans.

The experience of wondering if people would treat your vulnerable family member badly based on their race is what I imagine many African Americans, Asians, Indians, Arabs feel when leaving their child in a daycare for ex. That fear. The knowledge that just being who you are can cause people to treat you differently. The risk.

The risk that would be heightened if I wore traditional skirts, long sleeves shirts, covered my hair, if my grandfather wore a yarmulke on his head or prayed.

In other words, if we didn't pass.

That is the difference. Do you still keep that white privilege of people know your identity? Bc if not, you aren't white. Just white passing.

[infiniteglitterfall]

Acre Akko Akka: Acre is jut the English name for it. The Crusaders named it St. Jean d'Acre a thousand years ago, when they were invading and ethnically cleansing the Holy Land by murdering and enslaving the Jews and Muslims. This city has been called Akka for 5,000 years, all the way back to when it was Phoenician. Akko is just Arabic for Akka.

Kiryat Shmona Al-Khalisa Al-Khalisa: This one is tough because it doesn't look like there's been any archaeology done there yet. There were lots of Jewish towns in that region 3,000 years ago, but I don't know if one became itty-bitty Al-Khalisa 1,500 years later, or what. The oldest historical record I have is that it was a Bedouin village starting in the 1500s. Bedouins are indigenous to the Negev Desert (#NotAllBedouins, but I'm assuming these Bedouins) and still live there today, so, like, ok, I guess?

Netanya/Umm Khalid: These aren't the same town. Netanya was founded in 1928. Umm Khalid was one of four villages founded in the 18th century, during the Ottoman Empire.

Ahilud Al-Birwa Beri and then Ahilud: The Arabic name Al-Birwa was first recorded in 1047, in the book Sifr Nameh by the famous Persian author Naser Khasro. It may be the later Arabic version of Beri, which was burnt to the ground during the Roman occupation.

Tel Aviv Yaffa Tel Aviv-Yafo: That's the city's official name. Yafo is the original Hebrew name going way the hell back. Yafa is just the Arabic for Yafo. (It's Jaffa or Joppa in English.) Tel Aviv was founded in 1909 by 60 Jewish families who raised the money for the land so they could get out of crowded Jaffa. It got big and the cities merged together.

Beer-Sheba/Beer-Sabe: This is just the Arabic name for a 4,000-year-old city that at one point marked the southern boundary of Israel.

Lod/Al-Lydd: Lod was the center of Jewish scholarship and trade 2,500 years ago, although it's much older than that. Al-Lydd is just Lod in Arabic.

Ashkelon/Ashkalan, Zekharia/Zakaria, Ashdod/Isdud: these are so fucking obviously the same name in two different languages I'm not even doing them

Hebron al-Khalīl Hebron: Archaeologists have found a 2,700-year-old Jewish home in Hebron, and seals that say "LeMelech Hebron" ("the king of Hebron") in paleo-Hebrew. The name was changed under Arab colonization: "The Arabic name for Hebron, al-Khalīl, emerged as the city's actual name in the 13th century. Earlier Muslim sources refer to the city as Ḥabra or Ḥabrūn."

The entire thing is just pure DARVO.

Someone on Reddit made the mistake of saying, "Teach me how this conflict came about" where I could see it.

Let me teach you too.

The common perception is that Jews came out of nowhere, stole Palestinian homes and kicked Palestinians out of them, and then bombed them for 75 years, until they finally rebelled in the form of Hamas invading Israel and massacring 22 towns in one day.

The historical reality is that Jews have lived there continuously for at least 3500 years.

There are areas, like Meggido iirc, with archeological evidence of continuous habitation for 7,000 years, but Jewish culture as we recognize it today didn't develop until probably halfway through that.

Ethnic Jews are the indigenous people of this area.

Indigeneity means a group was originally there, before any colonization happened, and that it has retained a cultural connection to the land. History plus culture.

That's what Jews have: even when the diaspora became larger than the number of Jews in Israel, the yearning to return to that homeland was a daily part of Jewish prayer and ritual.

The Jewish community in Israel was crushed pretty violently by the Roman Empire in 135 CE, but it was still substantial, sometimes even the majority population there, for almost a thousand years.

The 600s CE brought the advent of Islam and the Arab Empire, expanding out from Saudi Arabia into Israel and beyond. It was largely a region where Jews were second-class citizens. But it was still WAY better than the way Christian Europe treated Jews.

From the 700s-900s, the area saw repeated civil wars, plagues, and earthquakes.

Then the Crusades came, with waves of Christians making "pilgrimages to the Holy Land" and trying to conquer it from Muslims and Jews, who they slaughtered and enslaved.

Israel became pretty well depopulated after all that. It was a very rough time to live there. (And for the curious, I'm calling it Israel because that's what it had been for centuries, until the Romans erased the name and the country.)

By the 1800s, the TOTAL population of what's now Israel and Palestine had varied from 150,000 - 275,000 for centuries. It was very rural, very sparsely populated, on top of being mostly desert.

In the 1880s, Jews started buying land and moving back to their indigenous homeland. As tends to happen, immigration brought new projects and opportunities, which led to more immigration - not only from Jews, but from the Arab world as well.

Unfortunately, there was an antisemitic minority spearheaded by Amin al-Husseini. Who was very well-connected, rich, and from a politically powerful family.

Al-Husseini had enthusiastically participated in the Armenian Genocide under the Ottoman Empire. Then the Empire fell in World War One, and the League of Nations had to figure out what to do with its land.

Mostly, if an area was essentially operating as a country (e.g. Turkey), the League of Nations let it be one. In areas that weren't ready for self-rule, it appointed France or Britain to help them get there.

In recognition of the increased Jewish population in their traditional, indigenous homeland, it declared that that homeland would again become Israel.

As in, the region was casually called Palestine because that was the lay term for "the Holy Land." It had not been a country since Israel was stamped out; only a region of a series of different empires. And the Mandate For Palestine said it was establishing "a national home of the Jewish people" there, in recognition of "the historical connection of the Jewish people with Palestine and to the grounds for reconstituting their national home in that country."

Britain was appointed to help the Arab and Jewish communities there develop systems of self-government, and then to work together to govern the region overall.

At least, that was the plan.

Al-Husseini, who was deeply antisemitic, did not like this plan.

And, extra-unfortunately, the British response to al-Husseini inciting violent anti-Jewish riots was to put him in a leadership role over Arab Palestine.

They thought it would calm him down and perhaps satisfy him.

They were very wrong.

He went on to become a huge Hitler fanboy, and then a Nazi war criminal. He co-created the Muslim Brotherhood - which Hamas is part of - with fellow fascist fanboy Hassan al-Banna.

He got Nazi Party funding for armed Muslim Brotherhood militias to attack Jews and the Brits in the late 30s, convincing Britain to agree to limit Jewish immigration at the time when it was most desperately needed.

He started using the militias again in 1947, when the United Nations voted to divide the mandated land into a Jewish homeland and a Palestinian one.

Al-Husseini wouldn't stand for a two-state solution. He was determined to tolerate no more than the subdued, small Jewish minority of second-class citizens that he remembered from his childhood.

As armed militias increasingly ran riot, the Arab middle and upper classes increasingly left. About 100,000 left the country before May 1948, when Britain was to pull out, leaving Israel and Palestine to declare their independence.

The surrounding nations didn't want war. They largely accepted the two-state solution.

But al-Husseini lobbied HARD. And by mobilizing the Muslim Brotherhood to provide "destabilizing mass demonstrations and a murderous campaign of intimidation," he got the Arab League nations to agree to invade, en masse, as soon as Britain left.

About 600,000 Arabs fled to those countries during the ensuing war.

Jews couldn't seek refuge there; in fact, most of those countries either exiled their Jews directly, confiscating their property first, or else made Jewish life unlivable and exploited them for underpaid or slave labor for years first.

By the time the smoke cleared and a peace treaty was signed, most of the Arab Palestinian community had fled; there was no Arab Palestinian leadership; many of the refugees' homes and businesses had left had been destroyed in the war; and Israel had been flooded with nearly a million refugees from the Arab League countries and the Holocaust - even more people than had fled the war.

That was the Nakba. The one that gets portrayed as "750,000 Palestinians fled or were expelled!" in the hope that you'll assume they were expelled en masse, their beautiful intact homes all stolen.

Egypt had taken what's now the Gaza Strip in that war, and Jordan took what's now the West Bank - expelling or killing all the Jews in it first.

(Ironically, Jordan was originally supposed to be part of Israel. Britain, inexplicably, cut off what would have been 75% of its land to create Jordan.

Even more inexplicably, nobody ever talks about it. I've never seen anyone complain that Jordan was stolen from Palestinians. Possibly because Jordan is also the only country that gave Palestinian refugees full citizenship, and it's about half Palestinian now.

Israel is nearly 25% Arab Palestinians with full citizenship and equal rights, so it's not all that different -- but the fundamental difference of living in a country where the majority is Jewish, not Muslim, probably runs pretty deep.)

Anyway: that's why Palestine is Gaza and the West Bank, rather than being some contiguous chunk of land. Or being the land set aside by the U.N. in 1947.

Because Arab countries took that land in 1948, and treated them as essentially separate for 20 years.

Israel got them back, along with the Golan Heights and the Sinai Peninsula, in the next war: 1967, when Egypt committed an act of war by taking control of the waterways and barring Israel from them. It gave the Sinai back to Egypt as part of the 1979 peace accords between Egypt and Israel.

Israel tried to give back the Gaza Strip at the same time. Egypt refused.

Palestine finally declared independence in 1988.

But Hamas formed at about the same time. Probably in response, in fact. Hamas is fundamentally opposed to peace negotiations with Israel.

Again: Hamas is part of a group founded by Nazis.

Hamas has its own charter. It explains that Jews are "the enemy," because they control the drug trade, have been behind every major war, control the media, control the United Nations, etc. Basic Nazi rhetoric.

It has gotten adept at masking that rhetoric for the West. But to friendlier audiences, its leaders have consistently said things like, "People of Jerusalem, we want you to cut off the heads of the Jews with knives. With your hand, cut their artery from here. A knife costs five shekels.  Buy a knife, sharpen it, put it there, and just cut off [their heads]. It costs just five shekels."

(Palestinians were outraged by this speech. Palestinians, by and large, absolutely loathe Hamas.

It's just that it's not the same to say that to locals, as it is to say it where major global powers who oppose this crap can hear you.)

Hamas has stated from the beginning that its mission is to violently destroy Israel and take over the land.

It has received $100M in military funding annually, from Iran, for several years. Because Iran has been building a network of fascist, antisemitic groups across the Middle East, in a blatant attempt to control more and more of it: Hezbollah in Lebanon. The Houthis in Yemen.

Iran has been run by a very far-right, deeply antisemitic dictatorship for decades now, which pretty openly wants to take down both Israel and the U.S.

Last year, Iran increased Hamas's funding to $350M.

The "proof of concept" invasion of Israel that Hamas pulled off on October 7th more than justifies a much bigger investment.

Hamas has publicly stated its intention to attack "again and again and again," until Israel has been violently destroyed.

That is how this conflict came about.

A Nazi group seized power in Gaza in 2007 by violently kicking the Palestinian government out, and began running it as a dictatorship, using it to build money and power in preparations for exactly this.

And people find it shockingly easy to believe its own hype about being "the Palestinian resistance."

As well as its propaganda that Israel is not actually targeting Hamas: it's just using a literal Nazi invasion and massacre as an excuse to randomly commit genocide of the fraction of Palestine it physically left 20 years ago.

Despite the fact that Palestinians in Gaza have been protesting HAMAS throughout the war.

[tatakaeeren]

thank you for being so kind >-< i never like rambling problems bc i am very apathetic when it comes to well, anything dealing with anyone else's problems so i never meant to ramble out to you I'm still so sorry ;-; it won't get less stressful per se, I'm graduating in December and getting my PhD (or at least want to) so i have applications for that and scholarship and grant writing for more research projects <///33 I'm too much of an overachiever for my own good <//333 BUT ENUFF on that i refuse to be sad and wallow in an unproductive state so i will instead talk about something else.

What are some of your least favorite romance/shoujo tropes in anime and in manga? Whether it be bl stories, yuri, webtoons, mangas, anything! I shall go first~ (of course i will ask you what are your faves are in the next ask~)

My least favorites

Tsunderes.

i KNOW it's so common to have it and kuudere and tsunderes are very similar but GAH I HATE TSUNDERES SO MUCH because it's usually used as a he or she is a total bitch but don't worry guys it's bc they are shy <3 LIKE WHOT. yes yes they get "warmer over time" but this is why i had to stop watching kaguya-sama love is war because i can't stand that show i couldn't 😭

Needless pining, the "chase"

see kaguya-sama love is war (sorry to flame this show but it's also a perfect example). I know people say the development gets started in the second season and i know it's like critical acclaim and popularity is deserved blah blah but idk man, the first season just turned me off SO MUCH that i haven't been able to pick it back up ESPECIALLY THE END ARC AT LIKE THE FESTIVAL idk i just pining and missed chances and mind games i can only do for like 2 episodes but after that i NEED TO SEE SOME PROGRESSION otherwise i get so annoyed

Starts off a bitch, gets better

could be put in the same category as a tsundere but this gets its own category because bl mangas fucking love this trope and i hate it like i know everyone loves BJ Alex, and are probably fawning over Jinx right now but GOSH i could never read either because i just like I DONT GET IT IF ASSHOLE WHY HE GET LOVE???? i do nawt care if he had some traumatic life experience YOU DONT GET TO BE A ASSHOLEEEEEEEEE. And this doesn't count as enemies to lovers because usually in that one they're both dicking each other over and it's mutual versus like nice guy simp gets trampled on.

Okie now your turn <33333 (if you dont' have any i will look like such a bitch asfdasdfasdf)

-lavender anonie~

You're welcome 💖 I'm always here to help everyone who needs to be listened and understood ✨. OOHHH nice!!! congratsss so you have to give your everything until December... and then apply to a PhD? (I'm sorry I don't quite get the educational system over there) and how many more years is that?

Hahahahah Such an interesting topic! haha least fav first and then our faves 🤣 ok.. let's see: "Tsunderes"... it depends if they are annoying because sometimes there are Tsunderes that are charming and adorable with a spicy feisty side... those I enjoy, but the ones that only scream and act rude or mean for no reason... I pass. The "pinning", I enjoy it when there is real tension and life actually, either pulls them apart or together (not the random unrealistic "coincidences", I like it if it is believable or one of the characters needs to fully develop before confessing (I need to see them accepting themselves before accepting the love of others) if pinning is well done the ending is well deserved in the long run. The "starts off as a bicth" Yeah I don't like it, I DO enjoy good enemies to lovers because both have very distinct goals or morals but then understand the other's point of view. But if the character is just a bitch for being one without further character development... I don't like that.

In my case I don't have "least fav tropes" but I see these types of content/story/character... I'm closing the page right then and there: Power abuse, gaslighting, mental health being treated as an "accessory" (not depicted as seriously and delicately as it should be dealt), I don't hate it but it is not my fav the "love at first sight" ... I need to see and feel the foundation of a relationship before realizing it is love. and my biggest turn of is if the characters are super annoying or super ..what I call "empty pretty and annoying" Im sorry they could be the prettiest in the universe but if they don't have a personality and are annoying... is a big NO.

[marbrnv]

Writer's block

or is it?

I just can't do it. I can't. I know exactly what to write, I have made extensive notes, I have every aspect covered, but I can't put it into fucking words, let alone coherent sentences that make sense together and deliver the point. I just can't. I'm sitting here and I want to scream. And cry. And punch something.

At the same time, I can't NOT write it. It's been way too long, my advisors are waiting for this goddamn chapter. A month ago I told them I'm wrapping it up, I have the bulk written, but there are a few sections that I really struggle with. Yeah, ok, not untrue. I don't know why I struggle with them, those aren't even my own research sections - just context analysis based on the scholarship that's already there. Why is this so difficult? How can I feel like I know what to write, but at the same time like I don't have a faintest idea?

I thought to myself, ok, it's just a minor section, write it like a usual course paper, 2-3 thousand words, I've done that a hundred times, piece of cake. I didn't care if it made perfect sense, I just had to write it, so I did. I didn't frankly care about the grade that I'd get - at a doctoral level you need to really mess up to produce a B quality paper. We know our shit at that point. And even if it's not great, in the end it always does make sense. But now when it's my dissertation (god, that damn word!), I feel like the same total amateur undergrad with the only difference being that back then I did not have the awareness of being an amateur. When you're 20, every word you write seems like a stroke of genius to you. At least it did to me; but judging by 99.5 percent of my students, this is not uncommon. And you savor it - even if years down the road you shrug at the thought that you could write something so stupid.

In some less grave cases, giving it a little cry helps. This is only partly a joke. But in situations like this one today, not even tears come out. Total and complete paralysis. Texted my phd-student friends from my program to ask if this is what experience sometimes, too. Their answers were king of vague. Yes, no, not the same way.

That made me realize how little we, the grad students, share about the actual pain of doing what we do. The constant, excruciating self-doubt, very often no or very little support because nobody can really relate, especially if your family and friends have nothing to do with academia (my case), and especially if you come from abroad (also my case; don't even get me started on writing as an esl). Nobody takes you seriously, you're just an overgrown student, you don't really make a living (even though I think it's wild that we get paid anything at all for just reading a bunch of obscure stuff and writing some even more obscure stuff for 5-6-7 years). You're kind of at the very bottom. Nobody says it like that, but it does very much feel like it. Not the greatest motivator.

And among ourselves, we kind of play it cool, don't we. We joke and complain about the "hard" things - getting grants, doing research in archives around the world, connecting the dots of our narrative, editing - but not that. Not the fact that most of the time you feel like a child that was left alone in a crowded place, not knowing how they got there or how to get home. Standing there, holding a stupid pink cotton candy in one hand and thinking this is it, now you live on the streets.

Jesus Christ, will this ever get easier.

[little-cereal-draws]

ok i'm just going to vent a bit abt some financial issues i've got rn so feel free to skip

i'm going to a really nice private school rn. i've only been going for one semester but it's an amazing school with a 99% employment rate within six months of graduating. which is amazing. for any college but especially for an art school. like i've said, i've only been there for one semester and they're already started us on career prep. most kids graduate with multiple job offers and the lucky ones make up to six figures straight out of school.

but tuition is expensive. we can't afford it. we can't pay my tuition and rent. my tuition was due on dec 1st and it's not in yet bc we don't have the money. we never had a lot to begin with, but my dad lost one of his jobs a few months ago so now we have even less. theres not enough money for a christmas tree or presents this year, there's barely enough for food, so idk what we're going to do. we've applied for renters assistance but they're so slow, and the last time my tuition can be submitted is a week from today. my dad was looking at a payment plan from the school but they still require you pay half of it upfront and we don't have that!!! i don't know what we're going to do. our choices are not have me go next semester, get evicted, or beg family members for more money like we've been doing.

i really don't know what we're going to do bc when we paid my fall tuition, it was too much and we almost got evicted too. this can't happen every quarter for the next four years! it's too much, it's too much money! we're trying to move to a better building but they won't answer my dads emails. literally there's one week left. i know that i will end up going back somehow, maybe my mom will pay it, maybe my grandpa, maybe we'll have to take out another loan, but i'm sure it will get done.

i just feel so fucking useless. i got into another school that offered me so much money, we would only be paying $4000 a year but noOoO, I had to go to the nice prestigious school. it's bc i want to know for a fact i could get a job after school which is a perfectly good reason but idk if my family can make it that long. i don't want to drop out but i've been thinking about it (not seriously tho, more as smth to do in the future). my parents would be furious if i did that bc i worked so hard to get in and they're paying so much and they want me to acheive my dreams but if the options are drop out or have my dad and sister be homeless... i know what i'm choosing. that's kind've a "worst case scenario" but really we're very close. we're so behind on rent (7 months i think?).

I've been applying for scholarships nonstop since last spring but haven't won any. i've applied for so many jobs and none of them have gotten back to me. and the job that i do have is as a freelancer for a startup company but they won't give me any work! i emailed the school and begged them for more money and they gave me an additional $8000 a year, which is helpful, but isn't enough to help substantially. i'm going to apply for jobs at the school when the semester starts and fill out every scholarship i can find.

idk but if we get evicted and then my dad finally loses against his depression, it's going to be on my fucking head

[blasphemyisjustforyou]

I actually have a funny little anecdote for this. When I was in high school, my school newspaper was (naturally) run by students. And there was always a running joke of "_____ High gets High" (as in, we fuck it up on drugs). Now, being High School Students, but also future Investigative Journalists, our school newspaper reporters decided to run a little survey. And they found that a fair percent of the top rank honors students were using adderall to pass their tests. The students openly admitted to using non-prescription drugs to study and pass tests. And whats more, they were getting amazing grades. These were our honors students. They were doing College Level Math, Science, and History in High School. And they were doing it all while high as fuck on addies. Some of our track team was interviewed. They used pot recreationally out of season. Never during, naturally, because if they got caught there goes their potential scholarships. But out of season? Lightin up doobies. We had at least one student admit to having tried meth. There were at least 20 who had done acid.

These were our star students, and they were doing drugs. But you know whats funny? The school didn't really say anything about it. They didn't turn it into a "Oh these kids are criminals they deserve to be locked away" situation. As far as I'm aware the school had the parents give a "We know you're using but we want you to use responsibly so just be careful ok?" lecture to their kids. And as far as I'm aware, thats all that ever happened. Which is what should happen. And these are still our star students. Some of those acid users likely went on to get scholarships from big schools in and out of state. Those adderall-poppers almost certainly went Ivy League. That meth kid probably attends our local university with straight A's right now. They didn't "throw away" their intelligence by using drugs. Their intelligence was the same regardless.

And I'm not encouraging you to get into drugs with this, they can be very dangerous and these kids knew that. They were (I hope) very careful about their usage and made sure they weren't going to overdose or harm themselves with it. But it didn't ruin their life to take a couple addies before finals week. Or to pop a tab on their downtime. Or to hit the doink between seasons. You know what would've ruined their life? 4 armed adults taking them to a correctional facility for 1-4 years and having it marked that they took drugs in high school. Cops showing up at their house and arresting them for the simple act of trying to make it through high school and deal with the stress of it all. The state removing them from their homes and declaring their parents unfit because they had a pill once or took a hit a couple times or popped a tab a while back.

So when you see shit like "They used to be very smart but they threw it all away", really consider what the person saying it means by that. Because no one is throwing anything away. Except the cops, who are throwing kids away to a life of poverty and crime over a couple pills and a blunt.

"They used to be very smart but they threw it all away by using drugs."

Translating:

"They were under so much pressure to live up to everyone else's unreasonable expectations that they felt the need to use drugs in order to cope."

[posthumus]

i disdain the fetishization(?) of the quality of 'leadership' in education. i think it's a genuinely heinous way to raise students and it amazes me that it doesn't receive universal criticism

[iwillmanagetheflashlight]

Hello lovelies!! Sorry I'm two days late with Chapter 3 . I didn't really get much of a response with Chapter 2 ... I will post 3 any ways. Enjoy!!!

Chapter 3 : The Not-So-Wonderful Weekend

Pairing: Eventual Jensen Ackles x Reader

Warnings: Jared is still an asshole, suicide attempt (please please please don't read if this will trigger you!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N went to go towards the tent with Jensen when Jared got in front of them. "What?" She asked him.

"Why have you turned Jess against me?"

"I didn't do anything. Now get out of my way, Padalecki. You got your wish now let me fucking go."

"Not until you convince Jess... Break her away from that boy toy."

"You broke my fucking camera and my dreams. I'm gonna fail my final and it's gonna make it so I can't get into college. You can go suck a dick!"

"Its not a real career! It's barely a hobby."

"It's a really good career when you're going oversees to do wildlife! I'm not staying here..."

"Yeah right."

"At least I won't be a burden on you..."

"They won't support this."

"Who?"

"Who? Our parents, our friends, me! Take your pick."

"I already know I don't have a support system. I got into A&M on a photography scholarship. None of you cared when I tried to tell you, everyone shrugged me off. I promise I know."

He scoffed. "Talk to Jess please."

"No." She stalked off.

He huffed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You had every opportunity to kiss her." Peter smirked.

He shrugged, "I don't wanna push her ..."

"Right." Peter shook his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The morning had finally wrapped up. Jessica had changed into a more comfortable dress. She was walking around looking at the shops when she felt someone grab her hand.

It was Y/N, her camera around her neck, "Where is Nik? I thought we could get some pics done while y'all are on break."

"Uhhh. Im not sure. Let's go find him."

"Cool." She grinned. They found him at the food tent getting a water.

"Hey! How's your wrist?" Nik asked.

"Still numb ... " she grinned, "I was hoping you'd be ok with me getting some pics of you and Jess together in your costumes."

"I think we can make that happen." Nik smiled.

"Awesome. I found some of the perfect spots to do it!" She turned around and hit right into Jared's chest.

He glanced at her but stared at Jess.

Y/N grabbed them and went around Jared , "Jay gave me the PERFECT idea with a couple of the horses!" They all went on their way, thankful Jared didn't follow.

Jessica simled and settled into Nik's side.

Y/N took a good 100 photos of them, easily.

On the last photo, they were standing close together. Their hands brushed together. He gently had a finger under her chin, turning her to look at him. Their faces close together.

Jessica saw the decisions going through his head.

No one saw Jared approach.

Nik leaned down, his lips touching hers.

Y/N didn't hesitate to take the pics of them sharing their first kiss.

Jessica melted into him. Until she heard the screaming.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?!?" Jared roared.

"Jared. This is my choice. My life." Jessica's eyes found the ground interesting. She wrapped her arms around herself. Jared made quick work of putting himself between the two of them.

Y/N stood up and went over to them. "Jared. You're in the shot and making Jess uncomfortable. Please move."

"No. Not when this concerns my girlfriend."

Jessica went pale. Neither of them had ever discussed that.

"Either you're lying or Jess didn't tell me and she NEVER keeps shit from me."

"Why would I lie about that?"

"Jared...You're my brother and I love you dearly, but ... you're a habitual liar..."

"Am not?!"

Jessica felt Nik's arms slip around her waist, his lips against his cheek.

She sighed, "Jared ... you're a liar, a cheat and a damn fool ... I'm sorry but it's true ."

"Let's hurry off..." he whispered in her ear.

"No. You've just kept the one thing I've wanted away from me. Turned her against me!"

Jessica let Nik lead her away.

"Jared, SHE WAS NEVER INTO YOU! WHENEVER YOU'RE HOME SHE DREADS COMING IN THE HOUSE! MY ONLY FUCKING FRIEND AND SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE AROUND ME WHEN YOU'RE AROUND, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU!?" Y/N screamed. But she didn't expect what happened next, she felt a hand connect to her right cheek. She stumbled back, astonished that her brother had just slapped her across the face, but it didn't stop him.

As soon as Y/N started to get up, he shoved her back down. "YOU SMOTHER HER. YOU KNEW HOW I FELT. YOU'VE KNOWN SINCE DAY ONE. I DIDN'T ASK MUCH. AND NOW YOU'VE LET HER JUST GO OFF A GUY TWICE? THREE TIMES HER AGE!!"

"AND YOU'RE TWICE HER AGE , ASSHAT!" She got up, pushing him in the chest, even though he didn't really budge.

"I told you to talk to her. She just needs to see sense."

"We know what we see ..  and neither of us like it."

He scoffed.

"Leave her alone. You understand me?"

"And if I don't?"

"You'll reap what you sow." She went to leave, but he grabbed her by her pony tail.

"Put the camera away before you lose everything." He let her go and stormed off.

She was silently crying, realizing no one was around.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They went over to a barn.

Jessica was shaking.

"It's ok..." He tried to soothe her.

Jessica started to pace.

Nik sighed, grabbing her hand to stop her.

Jessica looked at him.

"Come here..."

Jessica did.

He pulled her close, giving her a deep and passionate kiss.

Jessica melted into him.

He didn't let up for a breath.

Jessica smiled as he picked her up into his arms.

"Mmm..." he hummed.

Jessica giggled. "We're outside you know."

"Mmm...I can change that."

Jessica nuzzled against his neck. "Don't we have afternoon responsibilities?"

"In like ... two hours..."

Jessica giggled as he carried her off.

They went off to his trailer.

Jessica was glad to be away from everything.

He closed and locked the door behind them.

Jessica giggled as Nik pulled her back to him.

"Now ... where was I?"

"Where were you?"

He chuckled.

Jessica smiled. Nik reached out to grab her. She giggled and stepped just out of his reach.

"Uh ..." he looked like a 5 year old who just had his ice cream stolen.

Jessica grinned. He tried again. Again she stepped back.

He kept doing it til she tripped, he easily caught her.

"Hi..." Jessica breathed.

"Howdy."

Jessica was scooped up.

He took her over to the recliner.

They settled down.

He held her close.

His lips quickly found hers.

He was gently rubbing her all over.

She felt him loosen her corset.

"Does it take long for you to get this back on?'

"Not if you can tie it." He was used to the ones on the Game of Thrones set.

"I'm OK with that..."

Jessica giggled, especially seeing him get frustrated on layer 4.

"How many layers did they put you in!?"

Jessica giggled. "Giving up already."

"Maybe once you're in regular clothes...God damn girl. "

Jessica smiled. "You had to deal with these on set." Knowing he delt with quick change dresses.

"They had two layers...not six.'

Jessica giggled and stood, and with three movements was down to just a white chemise. "That's better." Jessica breathed normally.

"Wow...more beautiful than I could've imagined. "

Jessica blushed, a strand of hair falling in front of her face.

He gently swiped it behind her ear.

Jessica leaned into his touch.

He smiled softly.

He lifted her into his arms.

He went back to his bedroom.

Jessica giggled as he tossed her on the bed.

He climbed on top of her.

Jessica took his face in her hands.

He grinned.

"So -" She didn't even get to finish the sentence.

His lips attacked hers.

Jessica melted into him.

He was grinding against her.

"Mmmm."

He grinned.

Jessica pulled him closer.

He accidently slipped in as he moved.

They both looked at each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jay was looking for Y/N.

She had gone and curled up in a corner of the food tent.

He went and settled next to her.

She ignored him.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" She whispered. No one had seen what happened between her and Jared.

"You're upset. I'm assuming Jared was an ass."

She shrugged, "he told me to put the camera away before I lose everything ... what's that even mean?"

"I don't know."

She sighed, "I gotta finish my final, Jay ..."

"I know. You will. Did you get good ones of Jess?"

She gave a small smile, "yeah, wanna see them?"

"Of course." He had a big smile.

She turned her camera on, going through the pictures.

"That one." He pointed to the one right before the kiss.

"Wanna see one better?" She asked, showing him where they kissed.

"Wow..." He breathed.

"Yeah. I know."

"If Jared saw this picture...."

"He saw the real thing..."

"So that's why he's pissed...."

She nodded.

"Great."

"Sorry..."

"Don't be. She deserves to be happy."

"Yeah...well, I, um, I should get going...I need some more pics for my final."

He sighed as he watched her go.

She was gone for the rest of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jensen wasn't happy with Jared and Jared could tell.

"What's wrong with you?" Jared said, approaching him. "And where is Y/N?"

"Studying. You can't just let Jess be happy can you."

"Studying what?"

"Whatever she wants."

He scoffed. "Whatever."

"Jessica can be happy."

"With me..."

"She likes Nik. A lot."

"He is no good for her."

"How do you know that?"

"He is three times her age and still married. He is going to counseling with his wife."

"And you're twice her age." Jensen countered.

"Better than what she is currently hanging with ..."

"Jar."

"I'm serious. "

"As am I."

He was steaming out his ears.

"Jar. I know you've always expected Jessica to be with you. You got to actually make her like you."

"Isn't that what I've done the last five years!?"

"Not when all your conversations involve Y/N and what she's doing wrong. Have you even asked Jessica how she's been? You know her so well, what's her favorite color?"

"Purple. Duh."

"Teal." Jensen corrected.

He shrugged, "she must have changed it up on me."

"Favorite movie?"

"Fault in our stars. "

"Only when she's needs to cry."

He shrugged, "potatoe, potato."

"Dude."

"What?" Jared said, just then both their phones dinged, it was a video chat request from Y/N.

Just then Jessie's phone dinged, video chat request from Y/N.

Jensen accepted it.

Jessica sighed. She pulled away and sat up making sure she was descently covered and accepted.

Jared simply leaned over, sharing the screen with Jensen.

Y/N's screen was black, she had been obviously crying. She smiled, seeing all their faces, "hey guys..." the black picture said. "Um, I know you're all probably busy ... but I just wanted to call and say I love you guys ... I'm not on set ... " she sniffled. "You can't find me by GPS, I disabled it, so don't even try. I'm just ... I know I'm not worth the hassle and disappointment I keep causing." There was the sound of movement, as if she was climbing over something.

"Y/N what are you talking about??"

"Jared told me ... if I didn't lose the camera that I would lose everything ... well, he is getting his wish ... so is my entire family." Y/N stifled a cry.

Jensen sighed, "Y/N. . .baby girl, you listen to me, okay? You're important to us. You take AMAZING pictures ... you can't let your family win ... don't let them take your light ..."

"My entire life, Jay, has been overshadowed by all four of my siblings ... I wasn't supposed to happen . There's a ten year difference between me and the next oldest ... I wasn't supposed to happen ... "

"Y/N..." Jared sighed. "Look. I wasn't really going to do anything. Come back to set. Please."

"Why? So you can harass me even more? And with me gone Jess doesn't have to be around you any more so she is free of my diseased family as well..." the wind was starting to pick up, making her phone unstable in her hand.

"Y/N you know how they are." Jared sighed.

"They? Not including you?" She scoffed, "You'll never change, will you?"

"What do you want to do? You've already decided to leave." Jared didn't sound angry, just sad.

"To leave set ... "

"Where are you going."

She turned her camera on, she was on a bridge, showing them the water and rocks below her.

Jensen sighed. "I'm coming to get you."

Just then the phone was dropped, it hit the water and the call was disconnected. Beth took a deep breath and leapt off after it.

Jensen was up running back to get a hold of the police.

Jared was pacing and calling himself stupid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jessica had been quiet, shaking with rage.

"What's wrong?" Nik asked. He had stepped out to give her privacy.

"I'm killing him." Jessica was up pulled layers on quickly.

"Who, Jess?"

Jessica didn't answer, she started to lace the corset up herself.

Nik simply ran over and helped her.

Jessica kept muttering he's" dead" over and over until Nik couldn't take it.

"WHO!?!?!?" He spun her around so she was facing him, "I'll help you, but I need the details!"

Jessica dropped to her knees, burying her face in her hands and sobbed.

"Jess...what the hell was that call about, baby?"

Jessica felt him scoop her up. She was sat on the bed. She told him about the call.

He sighed, "I'm so sorry sweetheart. Shall we go kill Jared then go see her at the hospital?"

Jessica nodded, falling into Nik's side.

He picked her up and carried her out.

Jessica curled into him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N laid unconscious on the rocks, she had hit her head hard and had several broken bones and ribs.

It had taken awhile but they had managed to find her and get her lifelined.

She had gotten all the bones placed and casted and had wires and tubes here there and everywhere. Jensen was updated after three hours that she was stable and in a medically induced coma as there was bleeding on the brain they couldn't currently operate on.

Jensen was pacing and panicking.

Jared watched him, "well? What did the doctor say?"

"JUST LEAVE!"

Jared flinched, "but ... Jay ... she's my sister!" He tried to reason.

"No. Before I do something worse. Just go."

Jared sighed, but walked out the door.

Jensen went into her room.

Had it not been for the heart monitor showing she was alive, you'd think it was her funeral.

Jensen cradled his head in his hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nik and Jess easily found Jared out in the parking lot.

Jared and Jessica locked eyes. Jessica thought about causing a scene but simply went to walk in. Until Jared came and caught her hand.

"I'm truly sorry ... I never thought she would try something like this ..."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Jess ... Jay won't let me see her ..."

"Good."

He sighed, "I'm sorry ... "

"You should be." She went to let his hand go. He clung tighter.

Nik reached over, easily separating their hands and replacing Jared's with his, leading Jess into the hospital and leaving Jared alone, where for once, he realized, he truly messed up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[gunmetal-ring]

11x16 stream of consciousness

This is reminding me of jeepers creepers for some reason and idk why lol

Flashback... surprise. Aw does hershel have a stuffed pig?! That's so fuckin cute I wanna see it

Lance is not a great military commander if he's just like. Flipping coins lmao

Oh shit real Stephanie/max and Eugene did the deed! Nerds. Manbun alert.

OK so they're gonna ditch I guess. Where are they? Isn't Leah with them? I guess not?

If they're trying to sneak away in broad daylight...?

Okay so Leah is with some non armored stormtroopers?? How did Leah not see them sneaking away aren't they like RIGHT there

Hiding underground. Nice. "My wife is pregnant" Oh? Interesting that it matters to you now. #foreshadowing Annie's gonna die. Maggie is starting to trust negan... spinoff alert. Ew gross swarm of locusts.

Where is the 2nd location WHAT are they clearing can I please get some goddamn answers are they just sweeping for maggie?? Hello?! Oop there it is. The revolution. Calling bs that the stormtroopers aren't radioing for help. GABE FOR THE SNEAK ATTACK GODDAMN ok I officially like him he's proved himself to be a badass this season.

"Scholarship fund" lol and pay for textbooks with $50,000 amirite?! #cancelstudentloandebt. Oh no, the fundraiser queen is corrupt, whoda thunkit

Incredible that all these secret hiding locations are just. Popping up out of nowhere. I rly find it hilarious that oceanside has existed only to tell the commonwealth to fuck off. No hiding Maggie and team family, no food assistance, no nothing.

Sebastian, how does the old saying go? If everyone around you is an asshole, maybe it's you? Also like literally all max had to do was say "Yup working late" and not act like she's snooping how the fuck would he know any better. You can tell she's the younger sibling. Her parents gave up on being strict by the time mercer got thru to them.

?? What?? Okay sure just rig the building. Uh oh... here comes Leah. She's a better shot than that. The whole swarm of locusts thing would have been better w pope bc he was the crazy religious one. Leah didn't rly seem to give a shit one way or the other. I find it hard to believe she couldn't hit Maggie while running away but whatever ok.

What do you know the rogue assassin you hired is rogue. Lance you rly do suck as a military commander lol

Yup here it comes, the nonsensical narrative arc in which Daryl kills Leah to save Maggie. Makes all the sense in the world. Ah and apparently everyone knows who leah is. Ok time to stop being bitter. Wait oh no oh fuck is Daryl gonna kill Leah bc Leah kills Lydia?! No God pls no I'm sorry Kang I'll take everything i said back this is a great season so far its my favorite ever and the writing has been a1 I swear and I don't even care abt caryl I promise ill nevet write fic that fixes nonexistent plot holes bc nothing about this season could possibly be improved just DONT kill Lydia.

Connie's outfit is very cute I like that shirt. Lol this is magnas first scene in like a hundred episodes I forgot about her. Zeke is a badass as per usual

Wouldn't all the walkers be drawn to the explosion at the building? Not just wandering in the woods? She knocked her out and tied her to a chair and Maggie has been unconscious for like 6 hours... sure. "Everyone you love will be dead" why not hunt them down while Maggie is knocked out overnight? Why just sit there the whole time? OK maybe Maggie will kill Leah and be done with it. I'd actually be fine with that. Yup ok there it is. Great. No fuckin fanfare or anything either. Whatever at least it's over now. I'm sure we won't ever see a discussion or outpouring of feelings about it either were just supposed to accept that Daryl had no feelings and was totally neutral about killing the first woman he'd ever had a relationship with. Sure. Honestly I'd be OK if he talked to Carol about it bc that would salvage this the absolute tiniest bit but I know that won't happen.

Real talk tho how did Connie get that shit printed lol. OK Alexandria is now property of commonwealth? And hilltop? Why? Why not just kill everyone and leave? Seriously this shit is so stupid. OK at least they're rounding people up. Oh lol there's oceanside. Heads they kill them tails they're prisoners of war? What?

Surprise surprise this episode sucked, I'm rly over it. I hate that I'm actually glad this arc is over like seriously I wish I loved this show still I wish I wasn't so fuckin invested and disappointed I want to love the show that my ship is in and I hate that I'm actually glad it's ending. Ugh. UGH. I hate that I'm actually looking forward to caryl going canon bc it means the buildup is over and I know they're gonna fuck up the build up. UGH!!!!

Anyway I'm just gonna start my 10c 11a 11b rewrite now. Leave the missing moments until after the series is over. I'm gonna make a list of moments that we should have seen tho bc no fuckin way am I ever gonna rewatch this season lol.

Omg I didn't even realize that they blew up Barrington house lol. "We've been talking about luck a lot" Oh right when else did they talk about luck? Wasn't that with Carol and Daryl? With double capper acorns? With "we have luck on our side" and "our luck has run out" like it JUST fucking happened! Where are THOSE callbacks?!

Overall disappointed but not the least bit surprised. Underwhelmed once more. Truly insane just how shitty this season has been so far. Glad this block is over and looking forward to all the fix it fic coming this hiatus. Ugh.