#ok hopefully its late and not too many people saw the fucked up version

[wen-kexing-apologist]

@respectthepetty YESSS you caught it too! The difficulty with using screen shots is that I don't have the gifs to be able to show that he is almost signing out of order. Although I think, if my memory serves correctly, grammar in ASL at least is time first and then you can kind of just put the word order in however you want after that. But I haven't taken any formal ASL classes so I definitely could be wrong there. And this is MTSL so it could totally have a different grammatical structure.

But that was part of what I meant when I was saying in the post above that Li Ming's emotions are running faster than his brain and he's losing his signs/taking longer. That NAME/SAY order was definitely on my mind with it. RTP, you seem to know ASL in some capacity so if you continue reading the rest of this post, just know I am operating under the assumption you know all this already.

I think when I watched this scene:

I took Heart to be saying, you scared/surprised/startled me because that sign looks much more similar to me to the ASL sign for AFRAID than it does to the ASL sign for WRONG. Though obviously MTSL and ASL are not equivalent.

This is the ASL sign for AFRAID

and the ASL sign for SURPRISE:

ASL sign for WRONG

Side Note: Shout out to Bill Vicars, if people are interested in learning any ASL, you should check out Lifeprint

God, naturally I can't find a single fucking gifset of Heart's fight with his mother or of Li Ming signing "he's deaf" to Wen at the mall, but this is the ASL sign for Deaf.

and the MTSL one looks like two fingers moving from the ear and pressing to the lips.

(edit: GAAAHHH I HAD THIS ALL WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE WHY DID IT NOT POST PROPERLY??????)

Ok oops this is turning into an index of ASL/MTSL similarity signs.

Still can't find gifsets of it but based off the hand gesture Li Ming is doing here:

WORK seems to be similar between MTSL and ASL

And in this same scene, we see Heart sign what Li Ming translates as HOME

Compared to HOME in ASL:

Oh! Another fun one, this is the sign for CANDY:

Edit: Are you fucking kidding me, I had a whole thing typed up after this and it disappeared. ANYWAY:

Not the same sign, obviously Li Ming is not saying CANDY here but it's still a fun similarity.

Also! the fact that SAY in MTSL is basically the same as HEARING in ASL.

Edit: The sign for BEFORE also appears to be similar in ASL and MTSL

Ok, really at this point I should just take all of this and put it on a separate MTSL/ASL Index post cause I keep finding sign similarities.

ASL for LEARN:

And what Li Ming signs when asking Heart what he wants to study in university.

DISCLAIMER TO THOSE READING: I am a hearing person with a minuscule knowledge of ASL. My intention of making this post is not to teach anyone ASL, that is not my job and I should not be doing it because I am not Deaf nor am I fluent in ASL. I am simply identifying signs I recognize. ASL is a beautiful language that I do hope to one day be able to learn properly because it is, personally, a very important language to me. I invite any Deaf or CODA people who may be reading this post to give me any critiques, or if anyone with actual knowledge of ASL, not my self-taught knowledge, identifies any more signs from the MTSL in Moonlight Chicken to ASL I would be incredibly interested to see them!

Heart's Vocalization Thoughts and Feelings

Hello and welcome to another round of Moonlight Chicken Posts That Literally No One @respectthepetty Specifically Asked For:

Heart Edition Round ?? i've lost count.

Mx. RTP may have gotten me hooked on red/blue through clothing but my first and truest love will always be lighting so I need everyone, but especially Professional Life Ruin-er Formerly Known as "Petty" (you're my best friend now, sorry I don't make the rules), to understand that this specific lighting ruined my life. Like on a cellular level, my body is a wasteland, my mind will never recover. Stepping in from the outside world, from Heart's world, Heart's life, Heart's home in to the rich, red, warmth of Li Ming's world, Li Ming's home. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, if my memory serves me correctly we never see Heart in warm lighting until the end of Episode 4, and we definitely don't see Heart in red lighting until Episode 5. Up until this point when Li Ming and Heart are together, there is always blue lighting on them, and especially when they are in Heart's home there is always a blue wash on the whole scene. So finally, finally we get red lighting babyyyyyy, fuck yeah!

Ok, sorry, I'm normal again.

Initial thoughts going in to the actual scene are as follows: 1. Stripes, my beloved! 2. Heart is so head over heels for Li Ming it's ridiculous.

Anyway, I love the small little smile that Heart has on his face here when Li Ming is essentially giving him an 'I told you so' to Heart about asking his Mom. I know that Li Ming sees Heart earlier on in the episode, but he isn't present for the conversation between Li Ming and his mother so regardless of whether he knows that Li Ming talked to her, I don't think he knows the specifics. But he follows this comment up with "You're smart. You can persuade her." Obviously he knows that something happened because Heart's mother has never listened to her son before, why would she start now?

So! Much! Red! Lighting! They are in love your honor. I am so grateful for every moment we get to see of Li Ming and Heart alone together having fun. They may be on the edge of adulthood, but there is still so much repressed youth in them that has been dying to get out and can't because it's been contained by parental shame, by the need to work to survive, by the nature of generational gaps and unsuccessful attempts to protect your loved ones.

When Heart and Li Ming are by themselves (with the exception of the post confrontation mental breakdown session in Ep. 5) there is so much joy between them. And look at Li Ming, he is so proud of himself here, for successfully persuading Heart's mother to let Heart leave the house. They don't have to sneak out anymore, Heart's parents are finally starting to understand that they can't make their son problem go away if they just keep Heart cooped up.

Once again like father-figure uncle like nephew, Li Ming has found himself a love interest that is also obsessed with the family cat. Honestly, this cat is living the dream, all he has to do all day is be held for approximately 30 seconds and get fed a fuck ton of treats. So far this scene is just very cute, Heart taking in his surroundings, attaching himself immediately to the cat, absolutely bathed in red light. And there is something so simple I love about the set up this moment brings to the important turning point that immediately follows...

Heart's holding the cat with both his hands. He can't text or sign.

Side Note: I am curious if Thai sign language has finger spelling.

And here we go! Heart speaks, not just vocalizes, it's not an exclamation of surprise, it's not a shuddering breath, or a sob. It's not a squeak or random sound Heart makes because he can't hear how loud he is being. Up until this point, every time we have heard a sound from Heart it has been unintentional. This is the first time we hear Heart speak. And importantly, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to say anything. There isn't anything urgent, nothing that would require a sound to get Li Ming's immediately attention. He doesn't need to say Jimbo's name, literally right before this he looked at Li Ming and pointed to the cat. He could have ended the acknowledgement there. But he doesn't. He speaks. And he absolutely does not look at Li Ming while he does it. He keeps his eyes trained firmly on the cat in front of him.

I stole this gif from @earthpirapat because I don't know how to make them, and because I need anyone who reads this to see Li Ming's reaction in this moment. He is also looking at Jimbo, because he, like the audience, believes that Heart is going to end his acknowledgement of the cat's name by pointing to the cat. Li Ming is content to watch his friend play with his cat, and that's all he is expecting. Until "yyim-" tickles his ear, and Li Ming's head snaps straight up to Heart's face. You can tell how surprised he is at the way he pulls his head back a bit more to really look at Heart. To make sure that what just happened is actually real when he says "bo".

And I think it's important to know that Heart does not really seem hesitant to speak. He just...does it. What he is hesitant to do is look at Li Ming. He waits a full two seconds after he's said "Jimbo" to look up from the cat he is holding in his arms.

But he has nothing to worry about because when his eyes go to Li Ming, what does he see?

A puppy dog of a man, radiating excitement. Li Ming is beaming. It's funny to me a little bit that the thought has never seemed to cross Li Ming's mind that Heart, who only went deaf three years ago, is actually able to speak. But nevertheless he is thrilled.

"You can speak?" he asks, and he's chuckling a little and pausing and you can see all the gears in his head turning as he signs because it's like his whole worldview just got rocked. And GOD I love this moment so much because from the second that Heart speaks Li Ming's eyes never leave Heart. Or if they do it is literally an unconscious thing that is happening when he's trying to remember his signs. Heart puts Jimbo down and Li Ming literally folds his body in half, to follow Heart's movement, bends over to tap him on the shoulder. "Hey, you can speak?" he says again.

"Yeah? Can you speak again? I want to hear." he asks, and he's baffled. He's losing his signs. Like he is signing successfully to Heart, sure, but it's taking him much longer to create his sentence than it normally does because he's still in such shock over what just happened. That Heart can speak, that he heard his voice. His brain cannot keep up with his emotions.

The face of a man verrryyyy skeptical that his voice would be that exciting for anyone to hear.

"I"

"Want"

"To Hear"

"Your Voice"

I have no thoughts. I have no notes for this. It is just an incredibly powerful moment to me in furthering Li Ming as a safe zone for Heart, as someone trusted and precious. Each sign is deliberate. This is a deliberate request. This isn't a question built on surprise, "wait wait do it again" this is specific. "I want to hear your voice"

Look how pleasantly surprised Heart is. Look how happy, how bewitched he is in this moment. A few weeks back, I wrote a post analyzing Heart's communication. At the time I wrote it, I was doing a lot of speculating about Heart and his ability to talk and what it meant for the character if he could versus if he couldn't. The tl;dr version was me essentially wondering how much agency Heart has over his own isolation. Is he capable of talking and chooses not to to test the people around him, maintaining control of his own isolation, with speaking as a lifeline, or because Thai is a tonal language did he lose the ability to speak because not being able to hear might impede his ability to make distinct tones. Either way he has the ability to talk, it's a matter of whether or not he could be understood if he did vocalize his words.

I got a pretty quick reply from @littlederxxnged with a link to this Tweet quoting P'Aof and Heart's voice:

And if this quote is real, if the reason Heart doesn't speak is because he lacks the confidence to, this makes the scene all the more important and all the more wonderful for me. Because it's showing us, the audience, that Li Ming makes Heart feel confident. Li Ming makes Heart brave.

And I love that I don't get a sense of fear from Heart in any of this. Surprise? Yes. Confusion? Yes. Skepticism? A bit. Hesitation? Absolutely. But it doesn't seem to come from a place of fear. Heart is not afraid of using his voice around Li Ming, and he is never afraid of what Li Ming's reaction will be. He certainly has no idea what Li Ming's reaction will be, but it shows how much trust these two have built in one another, that Heart feels safe enough with Li Ming to test his voice.

I don't know if Heart will speak again the show. I don't care if he does. Speaking is not his primary language anymore and he doesn't owe his voice to anyone. I just want to establish that before I say I find it so much more special that Heart says his own name, rather than Li Ming's here. Why? Because the way I interpret Heart's character at this point is a man who is far more certain about what he wants out of life, now that he is able to live his life again. We get to hear Heart's name, we get to hear Heart speak for himself.

Something really cute about this moment as well is Li Ming's reaction. "I heard you just say your name!" I love that he signs to Heart what he heard. I love it so much. We know that Heart is hesitant to speak, and it takes him a second to get the word out, and I'm sure he can feel the vibrations of his vocal chords when he says his name, but he can't hear it. Li Ming is SO obviously happy, so obviously thrilled.

But this is about Heart, Li Ming's feelings have nothing to do with it. Okay, Li Ming's feelings have everything to do with it for Heart. But Li Ming's initial, gut-reaction response to hearing Heart, hesitantly say his name, is to hype the ever-loving FUCK out of that boy.

"You're great! You're awesome! How can you speak? You're so great. I'm happy." and GOD Heart can't even hear him say it. Li Ming isn't signing here, I mean he is very obviously happy, and very obviously showering Heart in praise. But Heart cannot hear him. For most of the hug he can't even read Li Ming's lips. But the pride, the joy, the excitement is so palpable. He's jumping up and down, you don't really need to hear his words to feel how happy he is about what just happened.

He pulls back "How could you do it? I'm happy. Can you see? I'm so happy," He is talking so fast. He is talking so so fast. He cannot contain himself. But he has integrated himself so much into Heart's life, that despite the fact that he is fully forgetting to sign here, he is touching Heart, he is jumping up and. down with Heart, he is showing Heart how much being trusted with his voice means to him.

Sweet baby angel, you are talking so fast. He sees a bunch of words coming out of your mouth but does not hear what you are saying. And he looks confused because he definitely did not anticipate this strong of a positive reaction to just saying his name. Especially when you consider he isn't confident in his voice. He looks confused because he almost certainly did not anticipate this outcome.

(Ignore the subtitles on that second picture, focus on Heart's smile)

Does Heart owe us his voice? No. Did we ever need to know if he could speak? No. Does this moment hit particular hard after the confrontation scene last episode concerning the use of the term "mute" in reference to Heart. Absolutely. We saw how much it hurt Heart to learn his mother refers to him as mute.

We know Heart has to beg Li Ming to even tell him what she said, Heart can see how much Li Ming hesitated to deliver that blow. He saw how strongly Li Ming was standing against his parents, he's a smart kid. He might not be able to follow the full conversation cause it's happening quickly, and they are shouting which fucks with lip shape to read lips, and Li Ming and his mother are both facing away from him. But he knows his mother said something bad, he knows Li Ming defended him.

It is so so so so so SO important to me that Heart decides to speak in this moment. That he uses his voice casually, to say a cat's name, in private, with just the two of them.

Heart's voice is not a commodity, it's not a novelty. It's a gift. And Li Ming treats it as such. Heart is being vulnerable with Li Ming. Heart hasn't spoken to anyone in three years, and when he does speak in front of Li Ming for the first time Li Ming literally cannot contain his joy. I love how many times the camera cuts to Heart's face in this, to show us to tell us that Heart loves this. That he is surprised by it, but that he is more than happy to speak again, that he is smiling the whole time because he knows how important it is to Li Ming. Because it's important to him too.

If you finished this whole post, congratulations you have won an invisible medal.

[nightferns]

How c!Ranboo's attitude towards c!Wilbur lines up with everything he's been told | a quote list

All /rp of course

So on Tubbo's last lore stream (my new purpose) Ranboo said this:

"-thats why im here so when he does something that does redeem himself then someone can be there that will be able to see it and everything, and honestly i'd rather have it be me the person, rather have the person that be there be me instead of maybe someone else[...]"

And then this, when asked why he didn't tell Wilbur about marriage:

"[...]From what i've heard from Tommy and everything the Wilbur that 13 years ago- at least might've- he used stuff against Tommy and everything so just in case- "

And it made me wonder what exactly lead him to that opinion so i spent a day ghathering quotes in which Ranboo heard/or was told something about Wilbur, before the revival. Its a bit of a long one so strap in.

Convos about Alivebur that Ranboo either listened to or was a part of, pre-meeting him.

Vod: Tubbo and Tommyinnit Start To Break Apart…

TommyVods

Tommy [talking about Techno]: -Wilbur died in action, so he doesn't- so he didn't live long enough to face the consequences, but that guy he is a fucking bitch.

Ranboo: So he was fighting with you and then he decided to go against you.

Tommy: yeah. He decided that the last minute "Hey! Hey what im gonna do is fuck everyone over."

Ranboo: Oh… so he was sort of a vigilante of sorts? His own-

 [...]

Tommy: sit down [on the bench]…  fuck. I just want back the discs, that's all- thats all I've wanted everytime im sat on this bench, that's all we've wanted.

Ranboo: Yeah, I can tell... You seem pretty adamant about those.

Tommy: Yeah! It's because-! Literally bro- since the- four months! [...] four months ago is when I first started trying to get these discs! And it was just me, Tubbo- there was no Technoblade on this server! There were like 6 people- and it was just me and tub- there was no nation there was no- it's always been about getting back the shit dream stole from this very chest!

So now Tubbo's gotten this position of power and is doing it- it's dis- it's disappointing.

B-but thank you, for sticking up for me, no one did that, you saw big Q fucking turning on me- you saw Fundy- they're-  they're just sheep bro, they're just sheep. Thank you

Ranboo: Well, you stuck up for me when you could've easily pinned it on me. You could've just said "oh, he was the one that did it", because- i mean, my name was being said in there too, but then you just decided to take all of it and now we're in this situation.

So I couldn't just let that happen, I couldn't stand by, have Tubbo call you selfish when you did something- the opposite.

Tommy: Thank you-

If they evict me through- that is it he-

Ranboo: yeah.

Tommy: -dude, you know i'm worried- i- i don't want to, i know there's that one line that we- that rings through my head as i sleep l of Wilbur going "Tommy, let's be the bad guys." But I wanna- i don't wanna be the bad guys. I just want-

Ranboo: I don't think that's- that's not a good thing to do.

Tommy: The reason- do I say this now? Yeah-  The reason I didn't make Tubbo the leader, when I had- and I could've chose anyone, and I chose Wilbur, the man who was already half-insane but I knew he was coming back around, and I didn't choose Tubbo.

Is because i knew that if tubbo was the president,

it would pull us apart Ranboo, and look at him he's picking his nation over me. And i- and if he does on Friday I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

Ranboo: No matter what happens on friday i'll help you. I'll-I'll figure it out- I'll try to talk to Tubbo, i'll try to see if something better can happen.

.

Vod: *Archive* Mar 6, 2021

Philza

Phil: [places down a picture of Wilbur] my son.

Ranboo: Oh. There he is.

Phil: I wanna put his picture in the-in the meeting room, cruz i want to be reminded, i miss him, it's lik- he's been gone a long time.

Ranboo: He has. He really has. He's been gone, before I even came here.

Phil: He did some dumb shit y'know. And my hand was forced, in a sense, but I miss him everyday, I do miss him.

Ranboo: Oh, yeah i heard about that

Phil: I do wish he'd come back.

Ranboo: Yeah, Well… well I mean, wasn't he a ghost for a little bit?

Phil: Yeah, but that wasn't really him-

Ranboo: Oh.

Phil: That was- That was like the pure kind of innocent version of him if that was to exist I think, he was very kind of uhm- it was just not him though, it was just not him. So it was kind of like talking to a doll of like- someone.

Ranboo: I mean- I mean it's the most you're able to get at least. Like-

Phil: Yeah…

[...]

Phil: -sad, miss child, miss, maybe i shouldn't have stabbed him but you know.

Ranboo: Yeah, well i mean- yeah.

Phil: I Bet if- i bet if- if i was to talk to him again he' would- he would probably forgive me, he- he definitely was at the end of his rope and i dunno maybe he'd think of it differently.

Ranboo: I mean, it was his wishes, I mean he wouldn't- it was his wishes, it wasn't- like- he wouldn't- he wouldn't not forgive you for following what he asked you to do.

Phil: Yeah. I dunno.

Ranboo: But- one day hopefully-

Phil: Can't help but think if i did the right thing or not sometimes.

Ranboo: I mean, when you think about what he would have done if you hadn't, you know?

Phil: Yeah, he was out of control.

Ranboo: Like if you- if you hadn't like- would anything- would anything have changed?

Phil: I dunno, I kinda showed up at the most chaotic time possible and yeah it was just- didn't really have a lot of time to process things. It was like "Hey I should probably stop him from blowing up this place" that I had no real knowledge of other than that he helped build it. That's all I heard. I got- i got like letters from him just like telling me what he'd been up to and stuff, and that he was having fun with this friends and then the letters stopped, and i got worried so i started to like- 

Ranboo: mhm.

Phil: -make my way over to this area.

Ranboo: Yeah.

Phil: And I was right to worry, apparently.

Ranboo: I mean, I don't know, I think- I mean, I think there's really- there's really nothing you can do about it now, you know? There's- it's really like- you can- you can try and get closure but I mean, the ghost- Ghostbur is missing in action and he has been for a little while, and...

Phil: Yeah, whenever I talked to Ghostbur I didn't really feel like I was talking to him though, like it wasnt really- It was him but it wasn't him, like-

Ranboo: Yeah.

Phil: It's hard to explain.

Ranboo, I mean you just- i- i think you did the right thing even though its not- it wasn't the optimal thing, you know? I mean, was it the best solution? Probably not, but it was still a solution so.. I'd say you still did a good thing even though in your eyes it's probably not good, but what else were you gonna- what else were we gonna do?

Phil: Yeah, true.

Ranboo: yeah.

.

Vod: Tommy's Plan to Kill Dream

TommyVods

Tommy: Tubbo, I died. I spoke to Schlatt, I spoke to Wilbur, Wilbur Soot, alright?

Tubbo: Has Schlatt changed his ways? Or is he still smoking and drinking-

Tommy: Tubbo, they've been in there for so long, and so many years, alright?

Tubbo: Years? They've only died months ago-

Tommy: Tubbo, I was in that prison for about… month and five days, alright. Time in death though? I was here for months and months and months! Time's different when you d- Don't tell anyone this- Time's different when you die.

Tubbo: So you're older, now curz-

Tommy: I don't, I don't know! [...]

.

Tommy: -But Listen to me! I've seen everything! I know so much more than you now, I've been with the dead and I know so much more! So much more I'm not willing to explain. But listen to me we need to kill him, before it's too late-

[...]

.

Tubbo: Why is it different now? Why are we killing him- why didn't we just kill him to begin with, when we had the chance? Why did you put it off?

Tommy: Because Tubbo i thought he would use the revive book for go- ok, this is what he said to me he said he will only use the revivebook to revive Wilbur, and he said that that when he gets out out of the he's gonna hurt, not just you, but everyone i care for, he's gonna hurt everyone. So please we need to kill him.

[...]

Tubbo: So why don't you want him to bring Wilbur back now? What suddenly changed? 

Tommy: I've spent months in the death area- well- let's call it the death zone, with Wilbur, right.

Tubbo: the death zone? Like limbo-

Tommy: I've spent months there, I've spent months and months and months there and I was only there for a few days, Wilbur's been there for real months, he is so different and he is powerful and you know how he molds me like a piece of clay Tubbo. I don't want him to come back, we can't let him come back, and Dream said to me that he'll revive Wilbur.[...]

.

Tommy: No, i spoke to you, not Ghostbur, i spoke to you

Ghostbur: But i am Ghostbur

Tommy: I spoke to Wilbur,

Ghostbur: You don't wanna talk to him.

Tommy: I know, I never wanna talk to him again.

Ghostbur: He's not very nice, he's not a nice guy.

Tommy: Acu- Ghostbur i've got a question for you, do you want him to come back?

Because i- i don't, i don't think i do ever ever.

Ghostbur: He's a- i- uhm.. t-the world needs- needs structure and order and he he's good at that, he did that but- i-

Tommy: No, the world needs less villains, and he was a villain if I've ever seen one.

Ghostbur: But a villain is just a- sometimes the line's a little blurry, you could say, a little blurry it's a tiny bit, it's like a villain- a villain is just a hero you haven't convinced yet.

Tubbo: I'm not sure I follow you.

Tommy: No, but he started as hero, he started as a hero and then he was the villain.

Ghostbur: Well-

Tommy: I don't think we should bring him back ever. 

Ghostbur: Oh…

Tommy: I think you should-  you like being a ghost don't you? Hey! Look bl- Red! You can stand on the red! [...]

.

Ghostbur: Yeah,i- i- i like it here but  we were talking about this and i thought we wanted to bring back Wilbur, because he understood-

Tommy: No-

Ghostbur: -because, because L'manburg got blown up-

Tommy: No! No no no no, We don't want to bring back Wilbur, i've spent months with Wilbur, wh-when you die times different Ghostbur, i know i can speak to you 'cause you don- you keep secrets, times different, alright? i've spent so long with Wilbur,

Ghostbur: How- how long?

Tommy: Months and months and months alright? And if i was here for months, he's been there for years, possibly decades, he can't come back.

This isnt a-

Ghostbur: How- how- so what's the corversion? What's the- how long-

 Tommy: What's the conversion rate?-

Ghostbur: yeah, what's the-

Tommy: -God, you sound like a fuckin' bitcoin miner.

Ghostbur: -If time's different in the- in the- in the dead land then what's the- what do you call it? Limbo- if time is different in limbo then what's- what's- what's the difference?

Tommy: I don't really know. But I was there, apparently, I was dead, according to the Dream but he does lie, I was dead for- for 3 days. And i was there for-

Ghostbur: And how long, how long was that in months?

Tommy: I don't know, i can- i can say  months and months, i- i'd- i'd say between three to seven?

Ghostbur: Okey.

Tommy: So the middle, four point five.

Ghostbur: -So Wilbur's been dead for ten to twelve years.

Tommy: And there's a lot to learn when you're dead, innit?

Ghostbur: What did you learn? I've just forgotten things.

Tommy: Oh I learned about bad shit.

Ghostbur: Yeah?

Tommy: Do you know what Wilbur did? He very slowly and excruciatingly, over an entire month, explained to me what hemorrhoids was and it hurt me so much.

And then he'd go on about all the books he has been reading. It was terrible, it was the wor-

Tubbo: Did you see each other? Or were you just-

Tommy: Oh, Don't make me talk about it! Don't make me talk about it! Oh, it was- it was the worst!

.

Ghostbur: Tommy why didn't you want Wilbur back?

Tommy: Well… I spent a long long time speaking to Wilbur in- when I was dead. And i- and when I wanted to bring him back I thought he- I thought there was still some brotherness there, I thought maybe he's still my pal. And I found out he's not- he's only grown worse.

Ghostbur: He spent a lot of time around a bad guy, he spent, like a decade you said, around- around Schlatt and Schlatt's the bad- Schlatt's the bad guy right?

Tommy: I don't think Schlatt's the only bad guy.

Ghostbur: He's a bad guy right? Him and Eret are the bad guys right? That's the- that's the-

Tubbo: Yes, more or less.

Ghostbur: That's what you told me.

Ranboo: And Dream of course.

Tommy: There's a lot more bad guys.

[...]

.

Vod: Ranboo prepares with tommyinnit to take down dream on the dream smp full stream (VOD)

Ranboo Vods

Ranboo: [About Dream] He's trapped in there and we thought he was powerless but even in there he still has power that's why we're killing him actually. Its because-

Ghostbur: What's the worst he could do with the power?

Ranboo: He could bring back the people that are- well, technically the villains in this story, and then get out. And then start to do what he did before he got into prison, just again, and probably worse honestly!

Ghostbur: He's gonna bring back Schlatt?

Ranboo: He can bring back anyone that's died.

[...]

Ghostbur: Also- um, so are we- are we not bringing back Wilbur anymore? Is that… off the table? 'Cause Phil and Technoblade and- and- and people are still keen- and Eret is keen to bring back Wilbur. And i- i'm- Ranboo i gotta tell you i'm really scared. I- i'm not scared of Wilbur i think.

Ranboo: Yeah.

Ghostbur: I'm scared of going back to.. nothing. I- I'll be gone again. I dont- I- i kinda like being here and i like all my friends and i don't...

Ranboo: Yeah. See it's different with me because I never knew Wilbur, i never met Wilbur. I've only met, well you… so...

Ghostbur: I- I think im pretty- I like to think im pretty neat.

Ranboo: Yeah i think you're pretty neat too. I don't- i don't think-

Ghostbur: Yus!

Ranboo: I mean, Honestly i'd- i never knew Wilbur, i never met him but I mean,  what i've been told, he seemed like he had good intentions and- and i mean, i think that's kinda what you are, you are his good intentions.

Ghostbur: In a pint sized glass.

Ranboo: yeah.

Ghostbur: in a little package, little package.

Ranboo: yeah!

Ghostbur: I've read his memoirs Ranboo, i've read- they are all gone now they were blown up when my library was destroyed, so many really important pieces of history were blown up when that library was destroyed.

Ranboo: Definitely yeah.

Ghostbur: But I have- i read his memoirs and he- he was- he was pretty ok! Most of the time, he seemed like he was- people liked him but then- then- then he lost this election and- and- and you know the story, everyone knows the story. 

Ranboo: yeah, yeah.

Ghostbur: But i just- i- from seeing how much everything went down and how Tubbo was- was really badly you know? Scared with- by- by- you know? the explosion and things which- thinking about it that's- maybe was Technoblade's fault and Phil's fault, but um, because of all this now more than ever it's really important that we have a leader and that's why i was on the side on bringing him back

and if- if things have changed, if you tell me i'll go along with whatever you say if- if you think Ghostbur sticks around, i'll stick around but if you think Wilbur- Wilbur sticks around i'll- i'll do whatever it takes to help you! I just- I just wanna help! I just wanna help Ranboo!

Ranboo: yeah, im-

Ghostbur: -And i can see it in you that you know what's best.

Ranboo: The thing is i- i really don't. i mean, Ha- Wilbur... he seemed good, when you read anyone's memoirs it helps them… kinda rationalize the way that they think so- i honestly don't know, because-

Ghostbur: History is written by the winners.

Ranboo: Yeah and he, he technically won, I mean he did what he wanted to.

Ghostbur: but then he lost and everyone hates him.

Ranboo: I don't- i don't think everyone hates him. I don't really hate him. I mean, it's like hearing about a historical figure. I mean he did good things yeah, but he also did bad things so. I- i'm indifferent as i am with a lot of things.

Ghostbur: I'm sure- i'm sure that you'll figure it out

[...]

.

Ranboo: I haven't even heard of Wilbur honestly, i- i've barely heard of Wilbur, i mean, Tubbo really has not told me much about Wilbur other than i mean, he's the one who blew up Manburg the first time. 

But i like Ghostbur i mean, i like- i like Ghostbur i'd say a lot more, because Ghostbur seems nice, i don't think that anything is going wrong right now, i mean if we- if we kill dream then… then uh- ' cause we don't need a leader. 

I really don't know... I really don't know, I don't think we need a leader, because if- if someone rules everyone then- i mean if the leader becomes corrupted, when the leader becomes corrupted then we see what happens. We- we see what happens when someone who leads becomes corrupted, heck i'm a part of an anarchist organization So… I really just don't know what to do.

Because I mean, Tommy doesn't want Wilbur back.

I don't think anyone wants Wilbur back, so why is it even a question?

All I do know is that we definitely have to kill Dream, right? We definitely have to kill Dream. I mean, we gotta- we gotta kill Dream.

I mean, i don't even know if anyone wants him back, i mean, the only person that i would think would be Phil, right? The only person that I'd think would be Phil, so… but Phil's ok now, he's doing alright, shure he's sad now, but I think he'll be good, yeah I think we'll be able to kill Dream and everything will be good!

I mean, if we kill Dream, Wilbur isn't coming back, we won't have to worry about much- we'll still have to worry about things but not on the scale Dream was doing right? Right? [...]

[...] So if everyone's ok without him, I mean, everyone's ok already… right? Everyone's- Everyone's good, I mean, I like Ghostbur, I think that Ghostbur is awesome. I don't know-[...]

.

Ranboo: Oh my goodness. Yeah see, i like Ghostbur a lot more, i like Ghostbur a lot more.

.

Vod: Wilbur's Revival Dream SMP

TommyVods

Tommy: No you don't understand, It's not that he's dead it's that Wilbur's back.

Tubbo: What?

Ranboo: What do you mean Wilbur's back? No, you mean Like- Wilbur? Like-

Tommy: Let's go-

Ranboo: "Press button and blow up" Wilbur, that one?

.

Tommy: No, no ok, listen to me, Did you think I liked Wilbur? Is that what you think this is about Ranboo? Why are you being so unempathetic?

Ranboo: I don't know what you mean! Like-

Tommy: Wilbur is back, Ranboo! Ghostbur is dead!

Ranboo: Yeah-

Tommy: No, no there's only one way to know.

Ranboo: What do you mean? Like- like THE Wilbur? The one that- like your friend?

Tommy: We are not fucking friends, Ranboo.

Ranboo: Wilbur wasn't-? I mean, I knew he did some bad stuff but I thought he was at least kind of your friend. 

Tommy: No, Wilbur was nothing.

Ever since i died Ranboo, we- i spent so long with Wilbur-

Ranboo: Yeah?

Tommy: -and i thought he changed, every time i thought he changed, but Ranboo he never changes, Wilbur never changes… and now he's back.

.

Ranboo: May- Maybe- Maybe he's different you know? I mean, he's been spending a lot of time in the afterlife-

Tubbo: Yeah, he's been dead for a while,

Ranboo: -he probably might be different, you know?

Tommy: He's not different Ranboo, i've been there Ranboo, and he's so much fucking worse. When we go up to him, you two just stand back-[...]

.

[nite-shay]

His Hero Part 4 (Kirishima Eijirou x Reader)

A/N: I don’t know if I’m completely happy about this chapter. I’m trying to get better with witting panic/anxiety/non-humor, so hopefully, next time, it’ll be a little better. Also, sorry for the long time off and just sporadic posting. Works been hell, but now that we’ll hopefully *grain of salt* were getting more people hired, I’ll have more motivation and time to write 

Warnings: Panic/anxiety , references to sex and/or sexual acts (nothing descriptive but suggestive) so I guess 18+? IDK how this works :/ If yer too young, offended by sex , sexual acts, sexual reference or don’t know where babies come from, please don’t read.

Word count: 3K 

Other then that, please enjoy! :D  

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4

*****

Kirishima didn’t protest when Fat sent him home for the day. 

‘Go home. Clear your head. Call me if you need anything.’ 

Honestly, he barely heard his mentor’s words. He just sat there staring at the screen. Watching, pausing, rewinding, and watching again. Over and over again. It wasn’t until Fat picked him up and carried him to the door, did he finally get the memo.

Yeah... he didn’t need to be here right now...

The trip home was nothing but a blur, and honestly, he remembered nothing about it. His body was on autopilot as his mind tried to wrap the possibility that he might have a kid. 

A kid… A son… Your son… His son? But… How? Err… Wait! 

Ok, he knows the ‘how’ of how kids are made. 

Better phrasing, how could this have happened!? He was always careful with anyone he was with! Err, not that was a really long list or anything. Typically, he was only intimate with someone he’s known for a while, and when he was, he’d use a condom, or they were on the pill. 

Oh fuck. How could he have let this happen!?!?

Calm down. Calm down. 

Maybe he was just overthinking everything? It could just be a coincidence. Sure, he and the kid have some similarity, but hey, there’s like, billions of people on the planet! So some are bound to look alike! That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re related, right? Total chance! That’s it! It’s that stuff we learned in school. Static? No, that’s not right; that was in science. The other thing was in math...Statistics! Yeah, that’s it!

So what if the kid has red eyes? His best bud Katsuki does too! 

The sharp teeth? Look no further than his gym bro Tetsu! Hell, depending on the quirk, it can be a super common trait!

The quirk being exactly like his... well, ok, that was… odd. And yeah, he hasn’t run into any with his quirk specifically, but, big but, it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there with his quirk! 

Or maybe it’s not his quirk! Maybe its a similar one! Really, really, reeeealllly similar.

Total coincidence! Anyone can have those traits!

He just… happens to have all of them… just like the kid… whose mother he just happened to have slept with… around six years ago… 

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!

The room suddenly felt like it was closing in on him. The air got thinner, making it harder for him to breathe. He jumped off the couch and started pacing. He’s had issues with anxiety for years, and one thing he did learn, when he got like this, he needed to move.

Breath and walk. Breath and walk. Breath and….wait! The kid can’t be more than five! He slept with you six years ago! Ha! The time doesn’t match up! So he can’t be his kid!

His legs felt like jello as the waves of panic finally came to a halt, and took a deep, much-needed deep breath.

He wasn’t a father.

This was a good thing. A great thing!

He doesn’t have a kid. The time frame didn’t add up. He was in the clear.

He should feel happy. Relief. Ecstatic!

So why did he feel like he just got punched in the gut? 

He sighed as he made his way to his fridge in search of something to calm his nerves. Beer isn’t his typical drink of choice, but he was glad he kept a few on hand in moments like this. Since he was single and didn’t have a roommate, his place was the place of choice for ‘bro’s night.’ 

Though sometimes, there was nothing like a cold one to just chill after a long hard day.

He grabbed one of the glass bottles by the neck, activated his quirk, and flicked the lid off with his thumb. Cool little party trick he learned a few years back. 

As he tilted the drink back, he took a long hard swallow and let his mind wander. The beer of choice today was one Katsuki preferred. It was good, smooth going down, and less alcohol content. Which was fine. Ochaco, even after giving birth, still couldn’t stand the smell of alcohol. Pregnancy wasn’t a subject Kirishima knew a lot about, but he knew enough to respect it. 

He’d seen her hauling ass many adays to the toilet of the slightest whiff of something she didn’t like.

Then the cravings came along, which prompted a few late-night trips to the store by Katsuki or himself if his bro was at work. 

He chuckled as he thought about the few times Katsuki had said something to piss her off and sent him over to the redhead’s place for the night. Only to call him back a little while later in tears because of mood swings. 

Towards the end was rough, though. She’d been put on bed rest and was in a lot of pain. Katsuki took fewer shifts during that time to stay home and help ease her in any way he could. 

Damn, she went through all that for, what almost a year? Maybe not quite a year, but it had to be close. 

Was it nine or maybe ten months?

His brain came to a screeching halt, mid-swallow as he started calculating.

Beer spewed out of his mouth and nose as he tried to breathe and swallow at the same time. 

The nine months adds almost a year! *Cough* Meaning the kid’s age would make sense! *Cough Cough*

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! It can’t be true, can it? He… He’d used protection… hadn’t he?

His mind raced as he thought back to that night six years ago.

It was Izuku’s birthday and his girlfriend, future wife Melissa, rented out a small private Terence at a hotel to celebrate. It was small, maybe fifteen people max: just some friends, family, and a few colleges of the green-haired hero.

He was having a few drinks while chatting with Denki and Hanta when he first saw you. That was when he first saw you… You were chatting with your Melissa and Izuku, and damn… he couldn’t stop staring at you. You were so beautiful, and the way you tried to hide your angelic smile every time you laughed made his heart skip a beat. 

Eventually, his two friends figured out just what or who had caught his attention. Which brought on a relentless amount of teasing. It took about twenty minutes, a few beers, and an angry blonde for him to finally make his way over to you.

Katsuki, at some point, approached his childhood friend, then proceeded to yell at him for some reason or another. Even on his birthday, the guy couldn’t catch a break. Now that he thought about it, it was over something All Might related. Something about a suit and which version was from what era? You were looking rather uncomfortable (Melissa was used to this) at the aggressive (mainly Katsuki) debate. That’s where he came in. With the help of Ochaco and Melissa, he finally got the two distracted enough to send them to opposite corners of the party. 

And then, he was left all alone with you.

He was so nervous that he even stumbled through his own name. Luckily, he played off his nervousness by making light of his two friends. To his surprise, you took his jokes in stride and even had a few comebacks of your own. 

The two of you must have talked for over an hour! Just one conversation after another. He’d never met anyone like you before. You were just so loving, kind, and just… wow!

Then things start to get a little fuzzy.

He remembered talking, drinking, joking, more talking, and more drinking. 

A weird memory of a drunk Denki yelling, “I swear to drunk I’m not God!” before face planting into the punch bowl. 

Then while everyone’s attention was on Denki, the two of you snuck away and back to his room. 

A makeout session on the elevator leads to the two of you missing his floor and shocking an elderly housekeeping lady. That was embarrassing but didn’t seem to stop the two of you.

Then things get really, really blurry, but somehow the two of you made it back to his room without any other incidents. 

While the rest of his memories were bits and pieces, but he… did remember the most of the ‘activates,’ and it’d been consensual, and yeah… he’d definitely used protection! That much he remembered!

The next thing he knew, it was the next morning, where he woke up alone, with a hangover, and felt better than he had in awhile. 

Too bad that feeling didn’t get to last. His phone rang not long after he woke up. It’d been work, a villain was causing trouble, and they needed him asap. 

He showered, dressed, grabbed his stuff, and left. 

Then… he’d gotten hurt… bad…

Ended up in the hospital for nearly a week. 

After he got out, he, well, had an interesting voicemail and charge on his credit card.

He blushed hard as he remembered the hotel’s message regarding the ‘damages’ done to the room. In particular, the ones done to the sheets and headboard. They even sent him pictures!

Damn, he couldn’t believe he lost control of his quirk like that. He hadn’t done that since… well, since his ‘first time.’ That was so embarrassing. Thankfully, he didn’t think he’d hurt you in the process. Of all the pictures and list of damages, blood-stained sheets weren’t listed. Maybe that’s why he never worked up the courage to reach out to you. Even if he didn’t hurt you, he might have scared you...

Wait….

He lost control of his quirk.

Oh… OH SHIT! Realization dawned on him.

Even if he had put a condom on, his quirk might have damaged it!

Then that means… there is a chance he's the father of your son!

FFFFFUCCCCKK!!!!

But wait.

If he really was your son… why haven’t you contacted him?

His footsteps slowed until he came to a standstill.

You would have told him if he was, wouldn’t you?

Granted, the two of you never exchanged numbers, and we’ll it’s not like he did much to reach out to you either, but… You would have known he’s friends with Izuku, so you knew a way to contact him. 

Two-way street, buddy. He internally lashed himself.

Between racking his brain and scolding himself, he didn’t hear the knock on his door until the visitor started pounding. 

“Oi! Shifty hair! Answer the damn door!” A loud, brash voice that could only belong to one person yelled through the abused door.

Katsuki? Why was he here?

Kirishima hurried over to the door before the blonde got too impatient and blew it down… again. He took a deep breath and put on his brightest and cheerful grin before opening the door to greet his grumpy best friend. 

“Oh hey, Bakubro, what’s up?” 

“Don’t bro me! Why the hell am I getting called from your boss to check up on you?” He growled.

“Fat called you?” That was a surprise. 

“Yeah, he did. Had to switch my patrol around and everything.” He brushed past the redhead, letting himself in. Kirishima sighed as he shut the door behind them. 

“I’m really sorry about that. Not sure wh-”

“Don’t start that bullshit with me.” Those fierce red eyes locked on to him. “And drop that fake ass smile. Always hated when you did that shit.” He mutters.

Damn, Fat just had to go and call him of all people. 

If it’d been anyone else, anyone at all, he could play this off. A bright grin, crack a joke or two, maybe a few reassuring words, and he could send them on their way. 

But not him.  No, not Katsuki. Most people wouldn’t in a million years think the aggressive blonde could show anything other than anger. And yeah, the guy was rough around the edges, and he wasn’t the best with words. But nonetheless, here he was. 

And sometimes, that’s all that mattered.

Fuck. 

“So why am I here?” Katsuki wasn’t backing down, so Kirishima took a deep breath.

“What did Fat tell you?” While his smile didn’t waver, he felt his stomach belly flop to the floor. 

“Bastard would spill it, just said you’d need me right and to get over here. Now what the fuck is going on?” While he still sounded angry, there was an underline concern in his tone that most people tend to miss. 

Who would have known that would be the thing to make him crack? Well, obviously, Fatgum knew, hence why he sent the blonde over. The great explosive hero was one of the few people that could blow a hole right through his hardened armor. 

Both figuratively and literally.

With tears in his eyes, he dropped his bright grin and let the damn of emotion bust. He explained everything that had happened. The robbery, the hospital, you, your son, the night he first met you, the security footage, everything! Hell, he was sure he went into a little too much detail when he described you and that night.

The blonde just stood there shell shocked as he tried to absorb the word vomit hurled at him. 

“S-so, yeah… I might… have a…” he couldn’t finish. He just let the silence hang between them. 

“You… dumbass.” He sighed quietly, running his hand through his hair before looking him right in the eyes. While his best friend was known far and wide to have a temper, when shit got real, it was eerie how calm and focused he was. “Are you sure he’s your?”

“I-I don’t know. I mean-”

“Have you talked to the mother?”

“N-No!” 

“Have you talked to anyone about this?” He pressed. “Does anyone else think you’re the father?”

“No! Well, Fat might, but that’s cause he was with me when I put the piece together. But I haven’t told or asked anyone else about this. Honestly, other than the mother, I don’t even know who else to go-” The redhead piped up. Something flashed in his friend’s eyes, and for a moment, he looked like he was ready to commit murder. Fuck was he made? He hadn’t come to him about this yet!? Of course, he was! He was finding this out because his boss called him, not because he had called him! Some friend he is... “I was totally going to call you about this! I swear! You’re my best friend. This just happened so suddenly!”

“I know you would, Ei. Chill.” The blonde’s features soften for a second, soothing the redhead some. But he could tell Katsuki was trying to keep his temper in check. “I’m not mad at you but, I’ll ask again. Does anyone else know about this?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I only found out about this today, and I haven’t had any contact with (Y/N) since the other day and well at Izuku’s birthday party.”

“Ok. Stay here for a bit. You need to calm down. We need more information first. If he isn’t your kid, you’re losing your shit for nothing. And if he is... well,” He paused, “Cross that bridge when you come to it.” He pushed the hero towards the couch and made him sit down. “I need to make a phone call.” 

Kirishima blinked as his best friend made his way towards his front door. “NOW SIT THERE. SHUT UP AND CALM DOWN!”

*SLAM*

This was a new level of anger for the blonde. He couldn’t stand seeing the redhead like this. He felt even worse, leaving him alone like this. The damn guy lived off socialization with others, so for him to be facing this alone. 

Yeah... it really pissed him off.

The blonde stomped his way back to his apartment, which was just a few doors down. He did need to make a phone call; he hadn’t been lying. But it was a call, that big, dense red rock didn’t need to hear. 

Fuck. He couldn’t believe this. Did shitty hair really have a kid? 

Katsuki made his way inside his home. The home he shared with not only his wife but his newborn daughter. 

Fuck. He has a kid… and he never even knew. 

As he made his way through the foyer and into the living room, something caught his eye. Something black, orange, green, and tiny laid on top of a basket of unfolded laundry. It was the custom design onesie Momo had gotten for their daughter as a baby shower gift. The custom design was made to look like his hero costume. While he scoffed at the thing initially, he made sure that she wore home from the hospital. 

Well, tried. About halfway through the hospital parking lot, she decided now was the best time to need a diaper and outfit change. 

Little brat. He smirked.

If you’d ask him a few years ago what he thought of kids, he would have brushed it off, not really caring about it. His hero career was his focus. He needed no had to be number one. 

But now that he has a little one of his own, he realized there was more to life than being number one. Was he still going to do it? You bet your ass, but now that he has his wife and his child that climb to the top well, he couldn’t dream of making it there without them. 

He couldn’t imagine a world without her. Let alone a world where he didn’t realize she existed.

He whipped out his phone and thumbed through his contacts.

Especially if someone knew about them. 

He took a deep breath and hit send.  

Someone close to not only the kid but himself. 

And still not tell him.

He knows. There’s no way in hell that precipitative little shit doesn’t know!

One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

“K-Kacchan. This is a surprise. You never call. Is everything-” Katsuki cut him off. 

“We need to talk. Now.” 

****

Links: Part 1,  Part 2 ,  Part 3, Part 4

Thanks for the read! If you want see the other stuff I’ve done, click the link bellow!

MasterList

Tags: @hot-pocket01 ,  @simpforeveryone , @remember-happy-things 

[restmyheadatnightcontent]

until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

hello! i know it’s been a while but i’m back with my next fill for @witcher-rarepair-summer-bingo​

a little yennefer & ciri fluff with some pre-relationship yennskier as well as a treat (set early on in this verse)

Prompt: Soothing their fear

Relationships: Yennefer & Ciri, minor Yennefer/Jaskier

Rating: T

CW: mention of nightmares

Summary:  Ciri may have calmed down enough to sleep, but Yennefer cannot seem to. There is something  humming beneath her skin. She had pushed aside her fear to help Ciri but now it has come flooding back along with the thoughts that make her wonder if she is cut out for this, if she is doing any good.Or if, despite everything, all she is doing is making things worse.

until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

She is sitting on the sofa, scrolling mindlessly through Instagram when she hears the shout. She startles and drops her phone beside her, before rushing up the stairs.

Ciri has been with her for almost two months now, and although they don’t happen as frequently, she is still woken by nightmares often and Yennefer’s heart still drops every time, knowing that Ciri is hurting.

Anxiety washes through her as she makes her way towards Ciri’s room, wondering if this will be the time where she puts a foot wrong, says something or does something that will mean losing Ciri, wondering if this will be the moment the girl realises she doesn’t want to be here anymore, that she wants to live with someone else. Someone who is a natural parent, who is easily affectionate, who knows what to do, who finds it all easy.

Someone not like her.

She pushes those thoughts aside as she makes her way into the room. It is filled with the warm light of her nightlight which they had bought so that if the girl woke up in the night, she would not wake up in darkness, they hoped that the light would be comforting.

But right now, it does not seem to be comforting at all.

The gentleness of the golden light filling the room is in stark contrast to the girl tossing and turning in the bed, whimpers and shouts falling from her mouth.

Yennefer sits on the bed next to Ciri, and carefully reaches out to place her hand on Ciri’s forehead. Often Ciri’s nightmares can be violent and leave her waking up with a swinging arm, and Yennefer has learnt the hard way that sometimes she has to try and wake Ciri carefully from a distance. But thankfully, tonight seems to be one of the calmer nights so she take the opportunity to be closer.

“Ciri,” she says, quietly but loud enough that it will hopefully penetrate the chaos in the girls mind. “Ciri, it’s ok. It’s just a nightmare, but you need to wake up.”

It takes a few minutes for Ciri to wake up, but it feels like hours as she sits there and strokes her hand through the long, blonde hair, waiting for the cries to stop, being able to do nothing but murmur comforts to her, until she wakes up.

Ciri’s eyes fly open as she wakes with a gasp, and Yennefers heart breaks as she watches the girl sits up and frantically search the room for the family she knows she saw in her mind only moments ago.

“Hey, its ok. You’re alright, it was just a bad dream. It’s ok,” she soothes. She doesn’t bother to say it was just a dream or it wasn’t real because they both know that everything Ciri is seeing was real, and her nightmares are just twisted version of her memories.

Ciri seems to come back to herself, her blue eyes clearing as they settle on Yennefer.

“Sorry if I woke you up,” she sniffs, wiping the sleeve of her pyjama top across her nose, voice still thick with tears.

“I wasn’t even asleep yet,” Yen replies. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Sometimes after a nightmare, Ciri wants to talk about it, or wants to talk about her family, telling Yennefer stories about funny things her grandparents, or the few things she can remember about her parents. Sometimes they look through photos, replacing the images of her family Ciri saw in her dream with the smiling faces that look back at her from the pages.

Ciri shakes her head, before asking in a small voice. “Could I – could I maybe have a hug?”

“Of course you can. You can always have a hug,” Yennefer says, before enveloping the girl in her arms. Normally, during the day Ciri is free with her affection and will come bounding up to hug Yennefer whenever she feels like it, but here in the aftermath of a nightmare, she becomes shy and tentative with it.

Yennefer doesn’t say anything as she feels her jumper grow damp with tears, just rubs soothing circles onto Ciri’s back as she cries quietly into Yennefer’s chest.

After a while, as Ciri’s tears lessen Yennefer asks “Do you want to go downstairs? Watch some TV with a hot chocolate? Or do you just want to go back to sleep?”

Sometimes, Ciri finds it hard to go back to sleep after she wakes from a nightmare, so they spend the night wrapped in a blanket on the sofa, watching some nonsense on TV until eventually Ciri will slump against her shoulder and she will carry her back up to bed. And Yennefer is sure that there are people that would say that giving a child hot chocolate in the middle of the night was a bad idea, but it never fails to put a smile on Ciri’s face, so frankly all those people can fuck off.

“I think just sleep, if that’s okay?” Ciri says.

“That’s fine. I’ll stay here until you fall asleep,” Yennefer says as she tucks the blanket up around Ciri.

Ciri’s eyes eventually slip shut and her breathing deepens, and Yennefer sits next to her stroking her hair until she is snoring softly. Then she makes her way out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her and leaning against the door and takes a deep breath. Ciri may have calmed down enough to sleep, but Yennefer cannot seem to.

There is something  humming beneath her skin. She had pushed aside her fear to help Ciri but now it has come flooding back along with the thoughts that make her wonder if she is cut out for this, if she is doing any good.

Or if, despite everything, all she is doing is making things worse.

She makes her way to the kitchen, pours herself a glass of wine and sits on the sofa. She picks up her phone from where she had abandoned it before running up the stairs to check on Ciri. There is a new message, and she unlocks her phone to see it is from Jaskier.

Jaskier: I swear if I get one more email from a parent telling me to cast their child as the lead I’m just going to play all the parts myself

She smirks and types out a reply

You’re up late

I could say the same about you

 Ciri had a nightmare.

Is she ok?

She’s asleep.

That’s good.

Are you okay?

She goes to type I’m fine but she hesitates, and she’s not enitirely sure why. Maybe it’s because she isn’t fine, not really, she still feels nervous and . But it’s not like she is going to tell Jaskier that, she barely knows him, but yet she still hesitates. It would be so easy, to type out the lie and move on but she can’t quite bring herself to do it. Maybe it’s because she thinks he might understand. Because they are more similar than she will ever admit. That he knows that it is hard to be kind sometimes, when you learnt that being selfish was the only way to get what you wanted.

No-one else would understand.

Not Triss, who only knows kindness, wouldn’t get it. Triss who is kind without hesitation or thought and doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body. Triss who finds showing kindess as easy as breathing, Triss who always seems to know the right thing to say to make feel better, who seems to just understand how someone is feeling, without them having to say anything at all.

Not Renfri, who sees no point in being kind. Kindness has no place in Renfri’s world, she sees no sense in showing kindness in a world that has been nothing but cruel to her. Being kind holds no use for her and so she simply isn’t. Honestly, Yennefer can’t blame her for it. Renfri cares about people in her own way, and Yennefer knows that the other woman cares for her, but she wouldn’t go so far as to describe her as kind.

She certainly can’t talk to Tissaia about it. Although the woman is legally her mother,she always felt that Tissaia cared more about the idea of her than about her. She cared but she wasn’t affectionate or kind, she was strict and honest which Yennefer did respect at the time and no doubt needed,  but it doesn’t put the woman at top of her list for those she goes to for emotional advice.

Not that there are many people on that list.

And somehow, Jaskier seems to have made his way on to it.

Later she will blame it on the wine, but she accepts the call.

“Well hello there Yennefer what a pleasant surprise this is!” he cheers, sounding far too alert for this early in the morning.

“You’re the one that rang me,” she points out.

“I know, but I wasn’t actually expecting you to pick up,” he replies, and something flashes through her, a feeling she can’t quite name. Before she can think about it anymore, he asks “So are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Okay. Because it’s alright if you’re not, you know. It must be tough, looking after a child all by yourself.”

“And what would you know about it?”

She doesn’t know much about his relationship with his parents, aside from the odd comment from Renfri, and given how the man has a tendency to say every incessant  thought that comes into head out loud, and the fact that he hasn’t said anything about his parents, tells her everything she needs to know about the relationship he has with his parents.

“Do you get weekly phonecalls from the poor mothers of all the bastards you’ve left behind all over the place begging you to come back and help them raise your spawn?”

“No, I’ll have you know that I am always incredibly careful about things like that and there are no little Julians running about the place,” he says.

“Thank the gods,”

“Anyway—” he continues, as though she hadn’t said anything “--what I was trying to say was that any sane person would find it hard to raise a child alone, and it’s only natural if you’re scared.”

“I am not scared,” she says bitingly, but she knows a little too quickly for it to be true.

“Well good for you then but still, I think it’s fine if you are. From what I’ve heard, almost all parents worry about something. I don’t think being scared makes you weak, and in all honesty I think it makes you a better parent. If you’re scared of making a mistake, then you’re less likely to make one.”

“And if I do make a mistake?”

“I’m sure you’d be able to figure out a way to fix it,” he says.

There is a moment of quiet, a moment where Yennefer can end the call and stop herself before she says something incriminating, before she reveals a part of herself that she can’t take back. She is used to doing things alone, she can figure this out by herself.

Or, she could let him in.

She could tell him, tell him about how terrified she is by the prospect of being a parent, knowing that she wants to do it so well, to give Ciri the chances she never had, but she is so scared of doing it wrong. Ciri is depending on her, so she has to do it right.

Otherwise she risks ruining everything.

Again, she isn’t sure why she feels the need to say it to Jaskier of all people, but she needs to tell someone about the thoughts running through her head before the voices become too loud and she’ll be unable to hear anything else, before the doubts that are swirling around her become too much and she starts drowning.

She just has to take the leap.

This is for more than just her, this is for Ciri, and she deserves better than Yennefer trying to muddle through it on her own.

So she leaps.

“It’s just – she – she’s so vulnerable. She’s seen so much and been through so much, and she’s hurting and I just want to help but I can’t help but wonder that I’m making it all worse,” she admits. “I have no clue what I’m doing. I never know what to say and I’m worried that everything I do say is wrong. Everyone else makes it look so easy, and I feel like I’m barely staying afloat.”

“Welcome to being a parent. I’m pretty sure everyone feels the same. Everyone is just like a duck, looking all calm and then paddling like hell underneath,” he replies flippantly.

She can feel her anger rising. He doesn’t get it, of course he doesn’t, and she is tempted to just hang up. But now the gates are opened, and the words keep coming.

“But I’m not like every other parent, and Ciri isn’t like every other child. This is different, so I have to be different and I have to do it right,” she barks. “I cannot let her down.”

“In what way are you letting her down? You took her in, you gave her a home. You hold her, you make her laugh, you let her cry, you sit with her when she has nightmares. You care about her. You are there for her when she needs you to be. You’re trying. You’re making the effort. Isn’t that all you can do?”

“Is it that simple? Isn’t there anything more? More than just trying?”

“Maybe, but it’s a lot more than some people seem able to manage,” he says quietly, voice pained and she has no doubt he is speaking from experience. “I think that right now all she needs is time. She needs someone steady, someone who will be there, an anchor to help ground her when the seas get too rough, and somewhere to land when the chaos subsides.”

She sighs. He’s right. Or at least he sounds right enough to have calmed her worries, at least for tonight.  That it will just take time, and that it will be all be alright in the end. And if it’s not, then she’ll figure something out. He’s right, and she thinks that even when she sleeps on it, he will likely still be right tomorrow.

Not that she will tell him that.

“You’re mixing your metaphors.”

“Well it’s 2 o’clock in the morning so excuse me if my poetry isn’t perfect,” he argues.

“Why are you up so late anyway?”

“Ah well, you know us tortured artist types darling, no stranger to a sleepless night,” he says easily, but there is something else in his voice. He sounds tired, more tired than she has ever heard him before and she’s sure there is more to it, but she doesn’t ask. She probably could, she has shown him a vulnerable side of herself and knows that he would probably show the same in return, if she asked.

But she doesn’t.

For as open as he is, for as much as he talks, there are many things that Jaskier doesn’t say, there are things he keeps hidden away. There is a lot that he hasn’t chosen to share with her yet, but she is happy wait. He has wormed his way  into their lives, but she finds that she doesn’t mind. He intrigues her, he is loud and cheerful and annoying, a seemingly simple person, but she knows that there is more beneath the surface, more to him that meets the eye.

And surprisingly, she finds that she is ready to wait He is intrigues her, in a way that no-one has in a long time and she can be patient. He doesn’t seem to be going anywhere soon, so she has time to figure him out.

Until then, she can keep teasing him.  

“You’re a primary school teacher who plays a silly little guitar, you’re hardly a tortured artist.”

“It is a ukulele, how many times do I have to tell you? And art comes in all forms, Yennefer, don’t be such a snob.”

“It’s not being a snob if you are genuinely terrible,” she retorts.

He makes an undignified noise on the other end of the phone. “How dare you, I’ll have you know I am an excellent ukeleleist! And I am also proficient at playing many other instruments.”

“’Ukeleleist’? I’m pretty sure that isn’t a thing.”

“Oh shut up! It’s 2am, it’s allowed to be a thing,” he grumbles.

A sense of quiet lulls over them, and suddenly Yennefer has to bite back a yawn.  All her fear and anxiety has left her now, leaving only tiredness behind. She can hear him tapping the keys of his laptop, probably working on his next song.

“Jaskier?” she asks, her eyes now growing heavy.

The tapping pauses. “Yeah?”

“Thank you. For tonight, for this. I needed to hear that,” she says.

“Anytime,” he replies earnestly.

They say their goodbyes, and she makes her way up to her own bed. But before she does, she stops at Ciri’s room and peers in at the girl, who is sleeping softly, mouth open slightly as she drools on the pillow, far more peaceful than she was earlier.

It hasn’t been easy for either of them so far, life changing so suddenly for both of them, but they’ll figure it out. There will no doubt be mistakes, and people will get hurt, but she cares for this girl, more than she has cared about anything else before, and so she will make it work.

And it will be easier, because she knows she doesn’t have to do it on her own.

[joh-gaming]

Why is this affecting me so much?

This is probably going to be an incredibly long post, one that I don’t expect many would read but that I feel I have to write. If not for Epic to read it at some point, then for myself, to remember this and why this game was so important.

I will have a lot of personal opinions, unfair comparisons and highly critical comments in those comparisons that may or may not be accurate. There will also be speculation as there’s more going on than what they’ve been willing to say.

If you care, then please, click on Keep Reading to continue.

How did I learn about it?

Honestly, I have no idea and that’s an issue that lead to its current situation. This is what I remember hearing back then. Paragon is a new game by Epic Games, creators of the Gears of War series (which I’m not really a fan of) and the Unreal Engine (which has always fascinated me) It was going to be a MOBA (which I hate, don’t like any MOBAs except Paragon but I’m getting ahead of myself here)

Clearly the above isn’t enough to get me to try it, on the contrary. So what was it, I must have seen something that made me think, this is worth a try. As great as that announce trailer was, none of the heroes in it speak to me, not even Sparrow whom ended up as my first mastered character and the one I own the most skins for. It wasn’t a gameranx before you buy thing which to this day I haven’t seen nor plan to, nor Angry Joe’s first look which again, I have no interest in watching. I’m not being critical of those channels, it’s just that I already experienced the game, most if not all of its iterations, so I really don’t care what they had to say about it.

Well... funny enough it was Overwatch the reason I gave Paragon a try. While Paragon is relatively older than Overwatch, it was in closed beta for the first few months. After trying, and falling in love with Overwatch’s beta, I felt the need to fill that void but with another, hopefully similar game. Then I saw the announcement of Paragon’s own free open beta weekend

I don’t remember if I took part on it or not, the next thing I wrote of Paragon after that was Digital Foundry’s graphic comparison of the game on PC and PS4 vanilla (at the time, the only PS4 there was) praising how a console game let you use mouse and keyboard.

Now, going back to Overwatch for a second, there are a few things you should know. 1. I have a friend that is part of the Overwatch team 2. I bought the game myself, no free keys and it was the PS4 version 3. I didn’t have enough money to buy it at launch, I ended up buying it late June or mid July, can’t remember and it’s not THAT important right now. 4. I tend to prefer cartoon like graphics as they are pretty much timeless

With that being said, this was my first impressions on Paragon, having tasted Overwatch.

“I feel really bad for the artists working on Paragon. Clearly a lot of effort was put into the design and modeling of the characters but good God they're so damn boring. The maps are also bleh with a palette that doesn't help things at all. Animations feel like over a decade old with awkward jump and run. I will be surprised if this game is actually successful 'cause it's a MOBA and what's the most important part of a MOBA? The damn heroes.“

I’ve been wrong before, but this is probably the top one. The map in question is what we now call Legacy. After spending a long time in super colorful maps in Overwatch, I found myself in this semi realistic map with ruins and a jungle that looked old and boring. Movement was too slow and I’m not sure what I was talking about with the animations, maybe they were bugged at the time ‘cause Paragon’s animations are impressive. Some of the best work in gaming.

Needless to say, I had a rocky start with Paragon, mostly because I didn’t understand it. I don’t know how long I tried it before I deleted it but that’s what I ended up doing. I got frustrated and instead of doing research I just quit.

So, going back to Overwatch for another second, how long was my honeymoon after I bought it? It lasted for about a month, after that I started seeing all the issues the game had and has (most of them are still there) especially on consoles. Broken heroes, Play of the game that encourages nonsense, the “scoreboard” that highlights the wrong things, lack of content, lack of heroes, easily exploitable on certain maps, etc. So I guess, thanks to Overwatch, not only did I dare to try Paragon, but fell in love with it. (btw, I did check, bought Overwatch mid June and by mid July I was sick of it, only made worse in August trying to get the limited time skins I wanted) And that’s not even talking about how Overwatch popularized Loot Boxes (yes, they have existed for a long long time, they just made it seem OK in a full priced game, ‘cause it was $60 on console)

Now, I couldn’t find this anywhere but I remember I returned to Paragon when Lt. Belica was announced. Gave it another go but again, failed to understand the character and gameplay. I will get more into the true problem for new people later on, but for now let’s go with why did I delete the game a second time. Well, it wasn’t out of frustration this time, rather than HDD space on my PS4. At the time it didn’t support external HDD. When did I return in a more permanent manner? When Countess came out.

She became my main for a while, which is funny ‘cause part of her kit was taken from the hero that would completely grab me forever. I started understanding the design decisions of the characters and the graphics, I got past the part where they wouldn’t last a few years, I was wrong about that too. I think they found the right balance between realistic and somewhat cartoonish to make the graphics last. That and they weren’t shy on retouching characters later on.

On November 2016 I said this

“Now I have a better understanding of the game, mind you that if I were to read about it I MAY learn it faster, but I prefer to learn from my own mistakes rather than trying to play like someone else that is probably more skilled. I can accomplish a similar standard just playing with things that work for me rather than what is "optimal". Or that word that gets on my nerves, the META. Fucking meta...” 

Funny, I still agree on that.

Paragon growing on me

I’m going to quote myself again, but I’m going to edit said quote for context purposes, not trying to say something different than I said before. For instance, the post was made with a video that I won’t include here, so anything mentioning the video is out of context.

“The more I play Paragon, the more I like it, but at the same time the more I notice its problems. Paragon currently has 24 heroes with a new one added every 3 weeks. Only has one map and one game mode, but it's free and high quality so no complaints here. However if you're like me, you tend to pick certain characters based mostly on looks not on play style. This is one of the biggest issues in Paragon and even Smite for that matter. The character design in Paragon is on point but at the same time it’s dull and boring.

You have your human characters, your robots and your beasts. They decided to go with a semi realistic look for the game instead of doing the cartoon like design from popular and unpopular  MOBAs. Which is fine I guess, you want to differentiate yourself, especially when now everyone that does it is instantly going with "an Overwatch look". On PS4 they had to lower the graphics quite a bit.

Paragon has a hero limit since launch and you can't switch heroes of course. The character selection process is completely random (I was the first to pick this time by pure luck) there are no rules for this other than what common courtesy SHOULD dictate. Personally, even if I get to pick first, let's say if the third player selects Countess before I do, I consider that a priority so I leave Countess open for him. You should learn how to play at least 4 characters. Game actually wants you to learn five characters, that's why you get 5 deck slots by default.

I prefer to play Countess, but I'm better with Sparrow and already have experience with Belica. That being said, the whole mastery system induces people to rage quit when the character they wanted gets picked by someone else. It starts off fine, but eventually leveling up your character becomes a chore and a grind.”

This was still back in November 2016.

On December 2016, I had this to say about the game

“There were a few things keeping the game from being as good as it could be. One of them being the learning curve. This wasn't your go in spray and pray your way to victory while you press a button to get a highlight at the end of the match to feel great about your awesomeness. No, in Paragon you needed to learn a lot about the mechanics, you had to build your character from scratch, and you had to find a way to balance your build to be ready for what's to come. It was amazingly refreshing to be honest. Sure it took me some time to like it, mostly 'cause I still feel the graphics aren't what they should be and the characters, while having an interesting design, they lack a palette that makes them unique.”

“This past Tuesday, Epic Games decided to upload Monolith. Basically Paragon is now a whole different game. Taking into account player feedback, mostly for how slow the game was, they applied a lot of changes to the mechanics of the game. Some of the changes would have been enough in the Legacy map to make the game nearly perfect, but no. Monolith is a smaller map than Legacy, character speed is improved but then it creates other issues when you fight other heroes. Certain classes are now having a tougher time. You gain less card power, forcing you to stay on the map longer rather than going back to base to level up. That in theory would be great if you weren't so fucking weak for half of the game. So what are people doing to combat this? They basically have the same builds. Build for attack speed and power, then some life steal and you're good to go. It's boring now, it's more like a shooter. “

I ended up that paragraph with something I regret and therefore won’t repeat. Even if it didn’t happen... I didn’t uninstall the game and have no plans to do so. Not even after it’s gone (unless it keeps affecting my health, more on that later)

“The simplification of Paragon, as a whole, made it more accessible to regular players, you know your regular multiplayer bro. So it's kind of funny to see the rage quitters because the early game is so painfully slow (in terms of levels) and how easy it is to die when you don't understand how minions and towers work. They changed more things in Paragon than what Massive changed in The Division. Paragon is like a different game, one that doesn't require you to be as smart as before. You now stack attack and go play. That's why I'm a little disappointed with the update. Thankfully they are listening to the feedback so perhaps they can find a middle ground between this version and the previous one, because both have great ideas, they just need to remove the bad ones. A match in Paragon is still more fun than a match in Overwatch though.” 

2017, a roller coaster of emotions

Last year alone Paragon went through at least 3 big changes. Many think these changes lead to its current downfall but I don’t agree. In a community corner video (I may edit this if I find it again) they said (a bit arrogantly I may add) that Legacy won’t ever come back. Keep in mind that while at first I was one of those that felt betrayed by the changes Monolith brought to the game, I was still playing and having fun. Originally the thought was, “we don’t want to split the community” and at the time I agreed. But looking back I failed to see the same thing they missed, the community was already divided. Bringing Legacy as a mode, or a more strategic version while Monolith would be more fast paced wouldn’t be bad.

Look at Smite and Overwatch, both games that wouldn’t want to have a split community, now their games have plenty of modes. Keeps players in because if they tire of one thing they could test another ‘cause at the end of the day, it’s the heroes that will keep you coming back. So it wasn’t the changes, more like a pinch of arrogance and a lack of modes. The player retention they later complained about, was of two folds, lack of ranked mode and a poor tutorial.

What made Paragon different and special, besides the heroes I will come to love even more than those in other games, was the card system. You’ll find videos from ‘tubers that are now jumping to conclusions just to talk about the closure of a game they never even heard of. You’ll hear them say something about it being pay to win with buying cards and what not, which funny enough was true in 2016, nobody said anything about it then, but all of that was removed when they added the card crafting system so long ago that I don’t even remember when that was implemented.

Building a deck was crucial to success in Paragon, just as much as understanding minions, towers, your role, buffs, rotations and kills. For most of the 2 years, the jungle was crucial too, that was changed in one of the latest patches. Some say for the worse, I’m not too sure it was. If it was simplification they were after, then the current jungle makes the jungler job easier to understand. Farm, get some levels and skills, then go help the lanes. True that had it been a mode in Monolith with Legacy being the more strategic match, it would have been better received, or at least that’s my perception.

People don’t like to feel dumb, even less to realize they actually are. If what I’m writing here makes me sound dumb, then perhaps I am, but it doesn’t matter as this post has nothing but my sincerest thoughts on the matter, even if I’m trashing Overwatch along the way. I think Paragon was a great game, unique in a sea of MOBAs, that people just failed to understand and that the developers didn’t support correctly.

Was Fortnite the issue?

Epic Games is often accused of doing popular things then scrapping them, fad chasers is what they call them. Paragon started when MOBAs were a big thing, just like Fortnite started when Minecraft was a thing. Sure at the time you had Cliffy B on board so he wanted a gritty and scary thing in Fortnite. Fortnite was one of those games that went through development hell, a game that if not by PUBG catching fire (see what I did there) and they being able to rip it off, it would have crashed and burned by now. Fortnite was sold as an Early Access game

I clearly bought into Fortnite’s Early Access, hence the screenshot of the banner unlocked. What made me buy Fortnite when I knew it wasn’t done? If there’s one thing I learned from playing Paragon, is that Epic will change everything trying to find the best system for the gameplay. I wanted to be a part of that too, I wanted to see the game change and grow (keep that expression in mind) over time. I also wanted to thank Epic for Paragon, so I thought this would be the best way to do so.

I was aware of Fortnite before I knew anything about Paragon, I mean like I said, it’s one of those games that went through development hell. I was watching one of their livestreams when they were giving away keys to almost everyone, they didn’t give me one (at the time it was a PC only game) so I never got the chance to try it myself. Over time I stopped paying attention to it as I never got a key, nor even acknowledgement that I wrote them asking for one. Why was I interested in Fortnite? Well, obviously the cartoon graphics as I mentioned before, then there’s the whole building thing which I enjoy a lot (main reason why I like Fallout 4) and Orcs Must Die 2 is one of my favorite Tower Defense games. (Keep that game in mind too)

If I had known that everything they said about working on developing what is now a mode (Save the World) was a lie, I would never have wasted money on Fortnite. The game is as incomplete now as it was on launch. Sure they have had events but almost every resource is going into the Battle Royale mode. Again proving that they are indeed fad chasers. If you feel like I’m wrong here, that it was a logical business decision and that justifies whatever you’ve spent on Fortnite, then fine, that’s what you think. But personally, I can’t recommend anyone to spend money on ANY Epic Games game from now on. This will sound like Blackmail and maybe it sort of is, but I do mean this, if Paragon is completely closed (as in I can’t play it in any way, shape or form) to me, I don’t see myself giving EG money again in the future. I don’t just say things like that and change my mind when it’s convenient, I haven’t bought an EA game since they burned me with SimCity 2013.

The Heroes of Paragon

Paragon has a bunch of great heroes, my favorite hero would come out in May 2017. That would be Phase. I’d say it was love at first sight but it wasn’t, it was love at first try. Before Phase there was Aurora, a controlled type character that had the looks and mobility, not to mention damage output. I often play range roles or control types, while Aurora was melee, I felt she has more mobility than Countess plus her control abilities were great to set up team attacks. I never thought a support would be far more interesting to me.

Phase’s kit was amazing, actually it was too good to the point where she broke the game for some people. One thing is a good support, another is a support good at everything. Good at healing, dealing damage and controlling the enemy. She got nerfed a couple of times, with her healing being affected the most, she’s still my main. For whatever reason, Phase felt like a part of the Phantom Thieves in Persona 5. Granted that after reading her lore I completely understand why that was the case, but the fact that I thought about it without reading it says a lot about the work put into the character itself

There are so many nuances in her animations, even her new launch pad animation. While not as involved or defining as most of the characters’, it still feels like a Phase launch. Her relationship with Shinbi was explored later, it was interesting but it didn’t change what I thought the character was like. She is the character I’ll miss the most, but don’t think she’s the only character I like a lot.

1. Countess 2. Aurora 3. Lt. Belica 4. Sparrow 5. Dekker 6. Serath 7. Morigesh 8. Zinx 9. Drongo 10. Wraith 11. Yin 12. Gadget 13. Muriel 14. Twinblast 15. Murdock 16. Shinbi

I will miss all of them. There are a few I haven’t even tried.

The greatest game I couldn’t play

From September 19, 2017 to January 9 2018, I didn’t have internet access. Hurricane Maria had destroyed our infrastructure leaving many of us in a terrible situation. Originally I was OK, I was prepared for around 2 months of no power, let alone net access. My house held fine (or so it did at first) and my family was OK. Then it started, the following days it started raining what felt like non stop and the damage Maria did, was now evident. Water was pouring in, my things were getting damaged, first I lost my bed, then my desk, well to cut to the point, I pretty much lost my house. I don’t have the money to fix it and with the situation my country is in, I don’t think it’s even worth it.

All I kept thinking about was, man I wish I could play Paragon again. Sounds silly but everyone has something that helps them disconnect from whatever terrible reality they are in. For nearly 4 months that’s all I wanted to do. Late October I moved to my brother’s house, it had power, water would come later but at least it had power. I started playing some games to avoid thinking of what I lost and had yet to lose, as I couldn’t save everything important. Nothing clicked, all I wanted was to play Paragon. I would watch my captures of my game time, over and over and the “music video” I did of my first coop match playing her

I missed the October event, I wanted that mummy Yin skin. I almost missed the winter event skins, got net back right when they extended the event 1 more week, so I was able to buy Morigesh and Aurora’s skins. Those weren’t the last skins I bought, no. The last skin I bought was the Panda skin for Phase. The day before they announced that Paragon would close.

So you see, the answer to my first question, why is this affecting me so much? well, after losing my house and some of my things, the game I wanted to play the most is going away too. It breaks my heart, I saw Paragon from almost every stage in development, highs and lows I loved playing it, I still do. There are terrible games that somehow are still up (Day Z comes to mind) yet this amazing game that is making so many people cry, it’s going away. Or is it?

Were we lied to?

It all points to yes, something happened that they can’t talk about. In their open letter they said

Here inside Epic, we’re talking about the future of Paragon in pretty much the same terms as you’re talking about it. The core challenge is that, of new players who try Paragon, only a small number continue to play regularly after a month. Though Paragon has evolved, no iteration has yet achieved that magical combination of ingredients that make for a sustainable game. (As an aside, the problem isn’t marketing or how to make money with Paragon. We have good ideas that would solve those problems if we can find a way to make Paragon grow.) 

So, if the problem wasn’t marketing (which btw it was, it wasn’t even promoted 1/5 of what Fortnite has been) nor making money with it, the problem was making it worth the effort. At least that’s my opinion. Fortnite success came over night, so it was an easy decision to ditch their less popular game even though it is their superior product. But is that even the case here? While Paragon is going to close for us, in China it started its closed beta

What the flying fuck is going on here?

It’s hard not to feel betrayed, it’s hard not to wish Epic Games failure (I try not to) but nothing is harder than seeing a great game close, with some relatively true explanation but no real logic behind it. Closing Paragon, even if it was to make development on Fortnite easier, is a mistake. Leave it in life support until you can come up with better ideas for it. The rank mode they were working on was never implemented in Paragon, instead it was moved to Fortnite. So don’t tell me you did everything for the game, it died because you didn’t support it Epic. It died because you killed it not because we left, I never left. As the final months are quickly going by, and I try to enjoy my final moments with it, in an analogy I rather not say, I feel myself getting sick. I get this massive headaches now, Paragon may have nothing to do with it but coincidentally, they come after playing a few matches. It hurts to know it’ll be gone and that I won’t be Phase anymore.

On the other side, I hope Epic Games have realized that Fortnite is more of a platform than a game. Quickly being able to transform itself from tower defense building game to a battle royale with building elements. I mentioned Orc Must Die series, well their latest game was one of the many MOBA attempts that kind of failed. They had to add the classic gameplay that made them popular in order to keep their fans, because they were bleeding players like crazy. Now, the current version has plenty of modes, kept the MOBA, (EDIT: They removed the MOBA mode) added the classic and created a few more. Fortnite can be Paragonized if they wanted to, they could even add some of the Paragon characters to Fortnite, I would gladly pay for Phase.

Soldier Class

1. Belica 2. Murdock

Constructor Class

1. Terra 2. Greystone

Outlander Class

1. Phase 2. Twinblast

Ninja Class

1. Shinbi 2. Kwang

And clearly, I’m not the only one that thinks that’s doable. naastika.deviantart.com

Final thoughts

I may be angry and disappointed, and I do mean it, that if I can’t play Paragon or Phase (mostly Phase) any more, that I truly won’t support any more Epic Games games, but I do appreciate the rare opportunity to play such an amazing game. I’m too old to like video games for the gamey aspects of it, I prefer the media side of it, the opportunities it offers as a story telling device that surpasses books and movies. I started my gaming on the Atari 2600, I’m done with jumping around for hours or shooting for no reason. It is extremely rare for me to get attached to a game with no narrative, and the fact that Paragon pulled this off, speaks to the talent working on the game.

Thank you for Paragon, and fuck you if you do close it.

[joshuazev]

On everyday:

You know, its interesting.  I’ve spent the past 10-15 or so minutes trying to figure out what to talk about or write about.  For a while I was stuck in the past again.  I couldn’t help but start all these options with “I remember this..” and “I remember that…” and I thought to myself, “I can always go down memory lane.”  Then I was thinking about my hopes for the future and realized that I’ve gone down that road recently and it’s done more harm than good.  The future can be intoxicating just like the past can.  That left with me with the beast that is “today.”

Today.

I woke up in the morning groggy and wobbled into my routine of breakfasting, showering, and leaving my apartment to the train.  I then encountered what is New York’s version of Seattle’s rain…New York snow.  There was a blizzard the past couple days which left the ground draped in white and I remembered how the train had run the day before (incredibly slowly), so I figured there was the possibility these early trains could run slowly, too.  I get on the A train at 181st and at 168th the loudspeaker says “Local stops to 145th.”  OK.  That’s not too crazy.  At 145th the speaker comes on again, “Due to signaling issues this train will be making all local stops to 59th St, Columbus Circle.”  I wasn’t really worried about this either because local trains have a tendency to keep things moving pretty quickly.  Stop and go.  Bam bam.  Except this train “stopped and stopped” for about 40 minutes and over the course of the trip I, as well as everyone else on the train, saw two express A trains speed by, taunting us along the way.  

The train arrives at 10:15 to Columbus Circle and I walk in to work (Equinox in the Time Warner Center) and clock in.

Maybe because it was the snow not as many people came in, which was completely fine by me.  

See, from 9-5 there are several rushes when it seems like everyone and their mother comes through for a workout.  The 10-11 pre-lunch rush.  The 11-1 lunch rush.  The 1-2:30 stragglers.  All the while there are classes going on, so a lot of people come to our gym for those types of things, too.  

OK, then.  What happened today?  Being at Equinox is wonderful exposure to human behavior.  Hopefully this doesn’t seem to boring or basic.

A woman called because there was a cycling class going on at 12:30 that she wouldn’t make and wanted to cancel her bike and avoid a strike (which is what you get when you have a reserved spot and don’t show up to class).  My other front desk colleague answered the phone and told this woman that because there was under 30 minutes before the class started she wouldn’t be able to cancel her bike.  The woman of course objected and objected to the policy, until my colleague made it clear that that was our policy (even if it might have differed, from other Equinoxes).  Now here is where the fun started.  Before my co-worker went back to count class she tells me, “If a woman calls to try and cancel her bike, don’t let her.  I let her know our policy and I made it known that she can’t cancel her bike.”  I kind of shrugged it off.  Sure enough, a minute later I get a call from a woman who tells me about a particularly trying situation.  She wanted to cancel her bike and I told her that we had a particularly strict policy and that she was going to get a strike if she couldn’t make it to the class.  She started getting frustrated.  “Why can’t you do this?  Why can’t you do that?” And I tell her, “Did you just get done speaking to my associate, who told you that you couldn’t remove your strike?  Out of respect for her and the policy I have to do the same.  She wasn’t having it, so I dealt with it.  She tried calling again and again, but there were deaf ears at that front desk.  

I call this the “Mom vs. Pop.”  You know what I’m talking about?  When you want something from Mom and she declines and you ask Pop for the same thing and he goes, “Well what did Mom say?”

People will do anything to get what they want.  We are a merciless people.  And the members that come into Equinox.  Shit.  They might be worse.

Next we got the “I just lost it” group.  I do wonder sometimes what the ratio of lost items is depending on your income.  Now I’m not sure what the average income of people that come to Equinox is but people lose stuff so often that it’s crazy.  And the same people, too.  I get it.  Some people are forgetful.  I’m know different.  I have the attention span and memory of Leonard Shelby, but for the most part I keep my things in the same spot.  There was a person who came to the front desk today who had lost a bag, I think it was.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she loses something every other time she visits.  The crazy thing is the items range from cheap to extremely valuable!  And she, like most people when they find out their stuff is lost, shrugs it off like it’s no problem.  “Sorry ma’am, but I checked in the lost and found and the safe and I wasn’t able to find anything.”  Occasionally that won’t be good enough for some people, but for others you’ll get an, “OK.”

Jesus.  The things people have lost and haven’t even bothered to try to come back and find.  That’s what’s crazy to me.  The ones that shrug it off that we don’t see.  The “A rolex?  Fuck it.  I’ll buy a new one.  A wedding ring? (ok it might not have been one, but it looked like it).  Whatever I’ll have babe call the jewelry store to have it remade.”

And lastly there is the “I really, really just want to complain about something” group.

“The music is too loud.”

“Why don’t you have any I-phone chargers anywhere?”

“But they didn’t tell me this when I signed the contract.”

“There was a man’s ballsack hanging out in the men’s locker room and it’s clear he has no regard for anyone else.”

“I don’t think you can help me, I’d really like to talk to a manager.”

“No I-phone chargers?  Really?”

“I think there is a problem with your Wi-Fi”

The list goes on and on.

And on.

The day came to a close in the late afternoon.  I got a workout in myself and pumped some freaking iron, bro!  Yah!

A quick-ish trip to the Lower East Side to do a reading for a scene coming up.  That was pretty nice and chill.  Had to get a bagel with lox from Russ and Daughters before, though.  I’m really just waiting for someone to invent cheap and healthy lox.  Bagels can get expensive in a hurry.

From there I took the train to Trader Joes to get some groceries for the next however many days.  It’s too bad there aren’t blizzards more often because that was the quickest I’ve ever made it through a Trader Joe’s in history.

Got on the train again and picked up my laundry from the past couple weeks.  

Then I shmoozed for a while and productively ate a salad.

Which brings us up to date.  It’s 1:12 now.  The time does fly, doesn’t it?

We’ll see how this present, future stuff goes.  

Peace and love and rest for the weary.  

[nataliejean2412]

Thoughts during the Nintendo Switch presentation 01/12/17

While waiting to watch the presentation, I realized I really wanted to write down what I was thinking. So, here are my thoughts during the presentation. I haven’t really done anything like this before, so it may seem a bit odd. Note: Every one of these reactions were real. A few of these were typed while the video was paused, which I think worked out better than typing while watching. Either way, these are best read alongside watching the video, linked here.

Enjoy!

Pre-Start: Was this 30-mins of store-brand chillstep necessary? 33:33 - AAAAAAAHH! It's releasing too soon! My body is not ready! Help me, Reggie! Where are you? 35:42 - Nice, I actually expected a $400 price tag 36:13 - inb4 paid subscription 36:40 - Called It 37:14 - Hopefully Nintendo can help reverse the trend they started with region locking. I like the occasional imported game. 37:36 - Please tell me they aren't going to repeatedly snap for the next hour... 37:53 - Lol we think our audience doesn't know the term "Design Philosophy" 39:02 - Wait, where's the "DNA" of the Virtual Boy? Did it not get invited to the Switch orgy? I wanted VR gaming that would burn my eyes out within 10 minutes! 41:27 - 41:36 - I swear, Nintendo loves repeating themselv... WTF!? That is a shit battery life!!! 41:44 - Ok, it has a USB standard. I'm ok with the battery if I can get an external for it. (I'm calling it now, Charger bags for the switch are going to be a thing.) 42:10 - Nintendo sure wants its' demographic to leave the house. 43:33 - I can't get over these Joy-Con things. What are these, controllers for ants!? 44:35 - "Whoops, we forgot to program in our new sharing features. We'll put it in later." 44:52 - "Now you can shimmy shimmy shimmy with your new Nintendo Switch!" 45:10 - Yep, those shoulder buttons totally won't get broken being in the connector piece. 45:40 - "They fit in the palm of your hand" if you're a small child, yeah. Which, that's a good thing to bring up. They are not targeting kids in this at all. Everything i've seen is targeting the young adult crowd. 45:53 - See, this is what i'm talking about. "You can release the tension from your shoulders, and relax while you play." They're targeting the working crowd, not kids. ...well, I hope they're not targeting the working kids demographic... Also at 45:53 - "Mario Paint me like one of your French girls" 46:14 - What is this... 46:24 - Oh, look, the magic of hype marketing! 46:45 - Now you can shimmy shimmy shimmy without throwing your controller. 47:24 - Careful, Nintendo, Don't say the C-word. It's a trigger word for the Orwellians in the audience. 47:40 - ... 48:20 - I don't know why, but this whole part is making me uncomfortable. 48:36 - Nintendo seems to have a hard-on for galaxy-looking stuff nowadays. 48:51 - Yeah, this snapping thing is going to go on forever. 50:45 - Ok, now what the hell am I watching? 52:36 - Nintendo sure wants its' demographic to socialize. 52:55 - "4: Spend half an hour arguing over what to play. 5: Lament that Smash Bros isn't on the Switch. 6: Regret your early purchase." 53:54 - Oooo, some kind of fighting game, that would be interesting. They /did/ say it would be challenging. 54:00 - Office worker fighting a middle-school girl. This ought to turn out well. 54:34 - wat 54:45 - wat 55:20 - ...what am I watching? 56:08 - Arms? ARMS? Why would you name it that? They don't /have/ arms! 57:20 - Hmm, those are interesting controls. 59:20 - Arms: Because having a new idea ALWAYS means you should make it. 59:40 - Yep, wildly flailing your hands = Strategy and tactfulness, and they recommend carrying the game into public to wildly flail your hands at other people doing the same. Real social booster, Nintendo. You know your demographic well. 59:50 - Ah, Splatoon, it's so good to know Nintendo still has a hard-on for their new money maker. They totally won't repeat the mistake of letting other things fall apart from focusing on you too much. 1:01:50 - I would like to take this time to give a shout-out to whoever the English translator is in this presentation. He has just completely given up on trying to convey the emotional nuances in the presenters' speech, and it's making this much more enjoyable to watch. 1:03:07 - Oh good, now I can hurl my entire console across the room when I lose a game. It's what i've always wanted. 1:03:51 - Oh. My gods. I just saw that. That pose was actually a thing. Wait wait wait, i'mma rewind it. 1:04:25 - Well, no need. He did it again. 11/10 best dab 1:04:52 - [after that lame pan, I got up, went out for a cigarette, and contemplated life.] 1:05:05 - Ooo, another Jet Set Radio-style game? I'm down for that. 1:05:20 - wat 1:05:30 - wat 1:05:40 - Okay, so a Mario game in an urban setting? Eh, seems like a cool idea... 1:05:50 - or not 01:06:07 - Well, at least the graphics are really niDAMMIT!!! What is this low-poly nonsense? 1:06:26 - Ah, jump-roping. My favorite of classic Mario gameplay. 1:06:33 - All jokes aside, these landscapes are freaking beautiful! 1:06:50 - Ah, hat tossing. My favorite of classic Mario gameplay. Seriously though, that does add an interesting idea to the classic platform formula. 1:07:01 - 'Bowser & Peach: A Royal Wedding'. Wow. I wonder what that that kid would look like. I know Bowser Jr. turned out not to be her kid. Dammit, now I have the image of Bowser with long flowing blonde hair. 1:07:05 - Oh no, he crushed the hat. Good thing it isn't alive. 1:07:06 - Wow, Bowser Jr. and gang are looking a little white-washed. 1:07:25 - Well, Super Mario Odyssey looks pretty good. Pretty epic gameplay. 1:07:33 - AAAAAAAA! THAT THING HAS EYES! IT'S ALIVE! Mario: "Yeah!" 1:07:37 - AAAAAAAA! NOW IT HAS EYES ON THE LOGO TOO! 1:07:41 - AAAAAAAA! OH GODS NOW IT'S REAL! 1:08:32 - YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I NOTICED THEM! 1:09:28 - They're launching without a Mario title. Have they not learned their lesson yet? 1:09:50 - Oh good, another Xenoblade. [skips forward in the video] 1:10:06 - [stops skipping] Wow, the graphics actually don't look half bad. That framerate looks atrocious though. 1:12:07 - Oh look, another Fire Emblem trailer that tells me nothing [massages forehead] 1:12:35 - Oh boy, it's time for the yearly Third-Party Garbage Fire! 1:12:44 - Funny, I didn't know Unity and Autodesk made their own games. It's almost like Nintendo wanted to fill this image with whatever they could scrape up. 1:13:21 - Meanwhile, at Square-Enix headquarters: "Crap, we don't have anything to put on the Switch yet. Let's just port a few games over to it for now." 1:13:41 - Oh, an Atlus game. I'm actually excited! Maybe we're getting a new Shin Megami Tensei! 1:15:00 - ... Right, moving along. 1:15:44 - Ok, this actually looks really good. Mental note: keep an eye out for Octopath Traveller. Maybe this won't be the garbage fire i'm predicting. 1:16:36 - This snapping thing... I swear. 1:17:00 - This translator is so done. I can't stop laughing. 1:17:40 - Oh good, Bethesda can now pat their own back on Nintendo Switch. Seriously, I actually don't like that they remastered Skyrim. They could have put that effort into a new game. 1:18:50 - Ok, I feel bad for this guy. That was awkward as shit, and you can tell he immediately realized it. 1:18:54 to 1:19:05 - Ok, the translator literally stopped talking. You can actually hear him scoff at 1:19:01. This is the best part of the show. 1:20:00 - And here we see the garbage fire I was predicting. This presenter looks like he just got shoved out on stage at the last second, and has no idea what he's trying to say. Even the translator is having trouble understanding him. 1:21:18 - Thank the gods that's over. Moving on. 1:21:29 - Oh dear sweet zebra, it's EA. Hold on, I wanna guess this one. Some sports game, no footage, and we'll get to the end somehow having lost knowledge along the way. 1:24:37 - And nailed it. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached the end of the ride. Thank you for attending the 15th Annual Third Party Garbage Fire. Please keep all hands, feet, and accessories inside the vehicle until the vehicle comes to a full stop. Please exit through the Gift Shop on the right, and have a wonderful day! 1:25:05 - Ok, there's the montage. It's the standard signal that it's almost over. ...wait, where's LoZ? 1:28:28 - I like how they're talking about how it's going to have a version with colored controllers like it's a game-changer. 1:29:00 - Yay, let's jump to Nintendo Europe, where they get to hear about how they are getting no information yet! 1:30:15 - Oh gods, I was just kidding before. They really did get nothing. 1:30:27 - Oh, Reggie! I'm so glad you're here. I need help! My body isn't ready! 1:30:48 - Is that Miyamoto just chillin in the background? I think he may be stuck in the US now. He's been showing up on US television a lot lately. 1:31:55 - "If you listen carefully, you can hear it floating in the air. Yep, there it is. I'm high as fuck." 1:32:22 - Yep, it was Miyamoto. Why did I recognize him from the back of his head? 1:32:32 - They are talking to each other in their own languages. This is great. 1:32:44 - AAAAAAA! Why the hell are you just jumping out of a hiding spot like that? Don't you know that's like taking the express lane to gettin’ hit? 1:32:57 - "When are we releasing Loz?" "Idk, ask him." "Oh, idk either. Ask someone in another country." 1:34:29 - Yay, finally! LoZ! Time to find out if it's a launch title! 1:35:40 - Neat, full voice acting! 1:37:55 - Woo! Launch Title! Aaand that's the end of it. That was a bucket of fun, and every bit the train wreck I thought it would be. I personally think they are rushing the release of this console, and it looks like I can count on one hand how many games there will be at launch. Like I said at the beginning, this was the first time i’ve done something like this, and it was much more fun than I anticipated. I may do a video saying this over the presentation later on, i’m on the fence about it. I may just shelve the idea until another video.  Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!