#ok done tooting my own horn

[automatayaoi]

LAYS DOWN ON THE GROUND I. DID IT!!! TOOK TWO DAYS BUT WEVE BEEN ANIMALIZED !!!! WAHOO!!!

kero is a peppy frogg (shock! awe! who wouldve guessed!) and arlequino is a smug bunny (kisses him kisses him kisses him)

thamk u @dissonantyote for the idea hehe and also tagging @lameassboyfriend bc murder puppet in laws

[tgcg]

an open fly walking

i didnt like this one but i thought id finally air it out since its been sat in my folders for months now

TG: hey karkat

CG: YEAH?

===

TG: you ever noticed you like

TG: walk weird

CG: WOW, OKAY.

CG: HAVE *YOU* EVER NOTICED THAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?

TG: pff

===

TG: no listen because i got my ears scoping that shit im like a scouter for dude activity

TG: ok maybe me mentioning it to you is gonna fuck up your ecosystem or something but

TG: you have the heaviest feet of the century man

CG: I DO???

TG: just thrust them straight down into the ground like youre trying to homebrew a san andreas fault

TG: viciously tamping on tectonic plates hoping for top score on the richter scale

TG: waging war against solid particles and the basic flow of gravity

TG: i could ID those footfalls out of a million i mean it

CG: SERIOUSLY?

===

TG: i mean theres nothing wrong with it but

TG: yeah

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

TG: im not fucking with you striders honor

TG: when have i ever lied to anybody about anything

CG: NOT UNPACKING THAT QUESTION WITH YOU TODAY.

CG: BUT SHIT, HOLD ON. LET ME SEE.

TG: yeah take the umbrella go over there and just walk to me

CG: ON IT.

===

===

TG: see you just kinda slam em straight down dude

CG: THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY RIOTOUS FUCKING JOKE OF A LIFE.

TG: dont your feet ache

===

CG: MOOT POINT. THIS MIGHT SOUND INSANE BUT I'VE ACTUALLY HAD MY STRUT PODS FOR A WHILE. ANY KIND OF PAIN THIS WOULD'VE BEEN CAUSING WOULD BE TOTALLY FILTERED OUT OF MY SPONGE BY NOW AS BACKGROUND NOISE.

TG: damn i didnt think that through

TG: my shades

CG: ALRIGHT, GET BACK UNDER THE SHITTING UMBRELLA AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

TG: look ive fucked myself over here too i dont have shit to clean these with

TG: ugh

===

TG: guess its karma

CG: HOLY FUCK. HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE THIS BEFORE?

TG: i dunno but im gonna assume having a dad thats a literal crab monster is probably a contributing factor

TG: im guessing thats not a great role model for this kinda thing

TG: just conjecture i mean

CG: YOUR ENVY IS OVERWHELMINGLY OBVIOUS DAVE. AS A DISCLAIMER, HE WOULD'VE ABSOLUTELY KICKED YOUR ASS.

TG: yeah probably

CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER.

===

TG: but see bro had me stringent on feather feets

TG: i bet i could slip across a bike horn warehouse with nary a fucking toot

CG: HAHA. ASSUMING YOU DON'T MAKE A TOTAL ASS OF YOURSELF, AS PER USUAL.

CG: IF YOU WEREN'T CONSTANTLY RUNNING YOUR GASH ABOUT EVERYTHING AND BEING AN INIMITABLE CLOWN I SERIOUSLY THINK YOU COULD BE ON PAR WITH YOUR CUSTODIAN.

CG: THAT IS A MONUMENTAL "IF".

TG: well look at it this way

TG: im basically doing you all a favor by being a dumbass

TG: never gonna get caught off guard by the bozo patrol

CG: WOW. GOOD POINT.

===

TG: also screw this can i use your shirt

TG: this stupid hoodie is just smudging my lenses up

TG: i cant see dick

CG: UH

CG: SURE, I GUESS.

TG: cool

===

TG: so yeah i could be prowling around like a goddamn verbal assassin sniping convos left and right

TG: but no ive got the decency to go bunp in the night

CG: YEAH.

CG: IT'S DEFINITELY COMPOUNDED BY THE CONSTANT INANE RAMBLINGS.

CG: BUT

CG: IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY RELAXING, Y'KNOW? IT HAS ITS OWN RHYTHM.

TG: see yeah i sound it off and

===

TG: wait really?

CG: YEAH

CG: I DON'T KNOW

CG: FUCK. HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS WITHOUT WANTING TO CRAM MY FROND DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE.

===

CG: IT'S LIKE

CG: A SALVE FOR MY AGGRAVATION SPONGE.

CG: YOUR VOICE IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF ASPIRIN.

TG: uh damn karkat hold your hoofbeasts i was talking about the rhythm thing

CG: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M TAKING US BOTH THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE REACHED THE BAD END OF THIS CONVERSATION.

TG: you think thatd be heroic or just

CG: IF I WAS STILL GHOSTING AROUND THE RUINS OF SGRUB'S ARCANE FRIGGIN GAME SYSTEMS, THE COMPLETE LACK OF SHIT AFOOT NOWADAYS WOULD BORE ME TO DEATH.

CG: LIKE. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME OUR THERMAL HULL LEVELLED UP, DAVE?

TG: hah

===

TG: but uh

TG: i mean we had aspirin on earth

CG: NO, NUMBNUBS.

CG: I'M SAYING YOU ARE MY ASPIRIN.

TG: oh

CG: YEAH, TAKE THAT TO THE BANK AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR 20-KARAT ASS.

===

TG: heh

TG: well get this

TG: i will literally talk at you forever for free

TG: you got lifetime priority seating for the davealogues

TG: never gotta go to the drugstore again you can just get doped up on my dulcet tones for the rest of time

TG: take that and some of this

TG: im packin punches

CG: OW, FUCK! NO! MY MIGRAINES!

CG: SWEEPS OF VEINCLOTTING AND NERVEFRAYING DOWN THE FUCKING GAPER. BECAUSE OF YOU.

CG: YOU ASSHOLE, THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

CG: AND YOU'RE LAUGHING.

TG: chuckle up it only gets worse from here

===

CG: BE HONEST WITH ME. DID FONDLING MY SHIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET EVEN DO ANYTHING?

TG: barely but yknow sometimes you just gotta deal the cards youre given

TG: ill just be astigmatic for a while its cool

CG: PFF… OKAY MAN.

[butchdiaz]

tagged by @iinryer to do a 2024 fic roundup but i'm adding my videos in too because. uh. its fun to look back! and i want to!

MARCH

american teenager (36s)

my first ever commission! for my best friend bia! to this day i hear do what you want (do more!) everytime i listen to this song.

APRIL

arms (1:02)

this was for seti. and it hurt.

good luck babe! (1:11)

literally never felt euphoria the same since the week of bi buck when i made this. changed the timeline. (although i was so euphoric and excited to post that i cropped in a rush and left a little white line in one of the shots and it pisses me off massively to this day. yes im a virgo thanks for asking)

to open up my arms and give it all to you (2.5k)

my little buck coming out to chris fic with hints of buddie <3 bi buck got me writing again after months of literal Nothing. god bless

one of your girls (3:09)

kirby's vision went OFF. so proud of this one like. its gotta be one of my favs and i feel like it became a bit of a butchdiaz classic which makes me so happy :D

MAY

kill her freak out (1:33)

this video is my little baby. ohhh samia. ouaagh eddie.

scared of my guitar (2:23)

shoutout to the way the dialogue syncs up in this one. rly satisfying to me hehehe. honestly didn't think i'd like this one as much as i do but she hits hard

promise (1:15)

love when people commission me to edit songs im already currently obsessing over yay!!!!!

JUNE

happy to be here (2:16)

julien baker. eddie diaz. aka abby had a mental breakdown making this one.

closed hands, full of friends (45s)

this was my first time editing a song i had Never heard beforehand! 3 cheers for finding new music!!

JULY

l'amour de ma vie (3:26)

ok not to toot my own horn but. this one is good. i feel like i really told a story u know. and about now is when i started to play around with fun/more intricate text ooh ooooh

a burning hill (1:01)

this prompt was designed in a lab to kill me specifically. i wanted to do the whole song originally but i like. could not go on.

my ego dies at the end (2:49)

i reallyyyy like this one. long edits my beloved! i love to build to something. i rewatch this one often tbh. jensen mcrae is everythinggg

AUGUST

north star (2:16)

again, had never heard this song b4 i got this prompt and it got me obsessed with this searows album. this edit makes me feel all soft. rly loved incorporating fleabag into it bc like. fleabag for life. shoutout summerofbuddie for the inspo

feels like (58s)

this song has been on my buddie playlist(s) forever so i was So excited to get this prompt. it was so fun to make something. not depressing and just like. fluffy. fun fact i hand drew all the hearts for this in ps and they were such a pain to work with but i really love how it turned out cause i'd never done anything like that before :')

pink balloon (2:29)

finally made a proper buck amv. after so many eddie ones it was actually nice to switch it up. felt re-inspired! also always so inspired by samia ugh. i am an eddiegirl literally to my bones tho so this was both v hard and v fun to make.

SEPTEMBER

"i want a divorce" / "it was a date" (2:19)

the buckshannon parallels ouuugughhh. this was one of those ones that haunted me so persistently i literally was forced to make it. saw hanna's post and then blacked out and i was posting this.

had a feeling i could be someone (3k)

+

leave tonight or live and die this way (1.1k)

dyke buddie!!!!!!!! these fics are sooooo near and dear to my heart. i love to make everyone wlw! i love to project my butchness onto my fav characters! wrote these so fast (for me) like writing has Never flown out of me like that. i was possessed by the spirit of lesbianism. and. GOD. the response to these fics also makes me want to cry daily. the beautiful art that was created?????? for me and my little fic?????????? i actually can't believe it i love you guys so much. lesbians forever and ever and ever.

did it to myself (1:11)

another one of my favs. i think it slaps so hard tbh. i tried a lot of new stuff and it was so FUN. orla's music is so much fun to edit to i need to do another one of her songs asap.

afraid of heights (2:46)

boygenius wrote this for my friend buck buckley. got entirely consumed by this one. thank u han for being my buckafraidofheights warrior for life <3

headlock (2:23)

i love buck but i remember coming back to making an eddie amv and breathing a sigh of relief. i just Get him. its so easy. this one's underrated i think oop it kinda slaps

OCTOBER

savior complex (3:16)

this one was a rly good challenge and idek why. super happy with how it turned out though i like watching it back

NOVEMBER

funeral bell (2:54)

the buck thesis statement. to me. and such a crazy unique process. loved working w kaitlin on this one and sending her 10 million drafts (she rly got a behind the scenes tour yall and it was not pretty). this was an absolute BEAST to make despite it not even being that complicated. i think i just cared so much about making it perfect for my dear friend who trusted me with her visions and inspiration and that made it all the more special!

you get your dreams for free (14.8k)

drunk cuddling!!!!!!!! my longest fic i've posted to date and i fully thought i was never gonna finish it. i abandoned this last YEAR but im SO glad i came back to it and most of the reason for that is because of the absolutely lovely responses to my earlier fics this year <3 literally hilarious to me that i originally wanted to post this on halloween 2023. abby. abby no.

surrender my heart! (1:30)

post-confessions euphoria + a carly rae jepsen prompt? i was literally in heaven. SURRENDER UR HEART EDDIEEEEEEEEE

DECEMBER

every place leads back to your place (2.1k)

music inspires me soooo much (looks up at this post. no way right.) so i absolutely loved writing based off a song! and a chappell song nonetheless!! so fun to twist a breakup song around to fit Them. i particularly love the kiss in this one <3

oldie's station (3:17)

phew we're almost there! this one is recent but lowkey it feels like another classic to me already. i really really like it. making it felt like cooking a three course meal and watching it kinda feels like eating one :D (thank god) (i spent so many hours in that kitchen)

letter to god (1974) (2:27)

+

letter to god (1983) (1:52)

putting these together bc they are sister songs and sister videos. first time in my life i've worked on two videos at once. it was fun because they kind of grew together and influenced each other very directly. not fun because i ran out of space and my laptop crashed. several times. these felt rly indulgent and raw. kind of shocking to me how perfect both songs feel for both of them. had a lot of fun messing with the voice/video filters to try and place these in their respective eras bc im obsessed with that aspect of the songs. halsey's artistry is crazy yall if u havent listened to her newest album GO. NOW.

the rush of slumber party kissing (3.2k)

posted this literally yesterday lol. also my first time writing smut. somehow. scary! but i did giggle all the way through writing this tbh. when buddie reveal their true nature as silly teenage girls >>>>>>>>>>

SPECIAL SHOUTOUT

fleabag au wip, who saw the light of day again this year. she could be finished in six months or six more years, but she Will be finished. im determined!

<3

ok if u read all that uh. wow congrats fhdhhdh im gonna get sappy for JUST A SEC now cause uh. im actually blown away by the support and love and appreciation this fandom has shown me this past year. you guys have given me so much confidence in my skills as both an editor and a writer and you also quite literally helped me pay my rent. by making videos about gay firefighters. its actually kind of mind blowing to me how lucky i am and i never want to take that for granted <3

to anyone who has commissioned me, or sent me a prompt, or left a comment on a fic, or a tag on a video, or sent me a kind ask, or subscribed to me, or followed me, or reblogged anything of mine this year: thank you.

im so grateful for this little community and all the friends and connections i have made through our collective insanity over a procedural drama on abc (neé fox). yall rock so hard.

<3

tagging @userbuddie @chronicowboy @confessionseddie @try-set-me-on-fire @userautumn @lovelettered @exhuastedpigeon @sibylsleaves @saryasy @team-118 @lemmeaskthedevil @eddiebabygirldiaz if u wanna do any sort of yearly roundup!

[perpetualexistence]

OK. I'VE DROPPED THESE QUESTIONS IN THE DISCORD ALREADY BUT I'LL ALSO DROP EM HERE

is the rest of the au plotted out?

how many parts left are there?

are team escope going to be relevant in the next part?

were there any other total drama cameos/characters you wanted to include?

is there anything in the au you wished you had written differently, and if yes, what?

ok this is a spoilery one but. are they dead. are the toxic yaoi guys dead. please i need to know

what actually prompted you into writing this au? since it's the first one you ever wrote about and stuff. did you have any other ideas around that time?

and a final one just for Tumblr:

8. If the boys are alive, is Alejandro gonna end up as Noah's goldfish after all this. because it would be funny

Aaah, so many questions! All of them good. I'll be putting anything that would be more spoilery for the future under a read more for those who want to be kept in suspense about the future of the AU.

General spoilers ahead for any of you who haven't read the whole AU. Also if you haven't, go ahead and give it a shot if horror is your vibe. I'm rather proud of it and unashamed of tooting my own horn.

3. Are Team E-scope going to be relevant in the next part?

Not necessarily in the next part, but I absolutely am going to find an excuse to make them relevant to the story. I am biased towards them, and have no shame in this fact.

4. Were there any other total drama characters/cameos you wanted to include?

I can't think of many I wanted to include in the past that I didn't already include/introduce in Spring Break Snacktime.

And if this question is more about if there are any more that will show up, then yeah, I definitely have plans for more cameos.

5. Is there anything you wish you had written differently, and if yes then what?

Yeah, I'd have to say I do wish I'd sprinkled in more of Alejandro's and Noah's happier interactions that happen post reveal.

For as toxic as their relationship is, there are reasons why Noah didn't want to go through with premeditated murder. Alejandro still treats their relationship as the same outside from when they hunt, and he's rather nice to Noah when he wants to be.

This obviously doesn't justify anything Alejandro does to him, but I do want to show how toxic relationships can be more nuanced than 'one person is horrible all the time to the other', and break down the idea of 'the perfect victim'.

Oh, and I also would have done more things with Chref actually being rather fatherly (as much as they can be anyways) towards Noah, because I do want that knife to be twisted in as hard as it can be when he realizes Chris' true motivations.

7. what actually prompted you into writing this au? since it's the first one you ever wrote about and stuff. did you have any other ideas around that time?

Oooh a fun behind the scenes question!

So, the idea of mer-eel Alejandro of course came from the eel comment and seeing plenty of other people do similar. And, me being me and a sucker for giant/tiny, my brain instinctively went:

"...But what if make him bigger?"

The toxic yaoi part of it comes from, funnily enough, the lack of toxic Alenoah that I'd found at the time on AO3.

I'd of course found the staples of Alenoah rewrites, and a lot of fic that of course has the two having positive character development. And I shall always love them to pieces and read them many times over.

But at the time I was getting into fandom I was only seeing fluff pieces. There were a few darker fics here and there that had been made a while ago. But nothing more recent.

And given how both of them are in canon, I saw a lot of potential to have them be in a no good very bad relationship.

Hence me eventually combining 'giant mer-eel' with 'toxic yaoi' to get the fic you see today.

And I did have other ideas around the same time! This one just happened to come out first because it was the one I had an actual plot outline for.

The other ones were both alenoaheather because. Well. I am a sucker for them.

The first one was one that's still officially untitled that I like to call a Beastars-esque AU. It's got giant-shifters, werefolk, and humans just doing their best in a world that's pretty fucked up when you think about it for more than two seconds.

I've got the main character arcs planned for the whole trio of Alenoaheather and...not much else in terms of plot. One day, I hope.

The other idea was an idea I did end up sharing in February with Alenoaheather trying to avoid being made into sacrifices for eldritch deities. It goes absolutely fine for them, don't worry about it.

8. If the boys are alive, is Alejandro gonna end up as Noah's goldfish after all this. because it would be funny

That would in fact be so very funny. And I can absolutely see a timeline where Noah was able to find/finish his spell and just has an Alejandro in a tank.

He just tears into a fish while glaring at a smirking Noah.

Alright, now for the more spoilery questions in the order that makes sense to me:

6. okay this is a spoilery one but. are they dead. are the toxic yaoi guys dead. please I need to know

Fine, fine, because you asked so nicely I'll reveal it to you in the smallest of text. They're not dead, but their actions certainly had consequences :)

Is the rest of this AU plotted out?

Haha, um, well you see-

No. No it is not.

I started off this fic with just the vaguest of outlines which I did share during a post a long time ago. I knew at the very least how I wanted to end it and the message/themes I wanted to share.

Rather than write things down part by part in terms of an outline, I just kept the outline of things in my head. Don't do this kids, this is a very bad idea when working on longform fic.

Arc 1 was always the one I'd had planned out the most, with the driving scene always being that it would end with Noah biting Alejandro and Alejandro electrocuting Noah.

Everything was going to plan...until Spring Break Snacktime.

It was originally supposed to go in a lighter direction, and I outlined that post with that in mind.

And then I started writing it. And I started getting other ideas. I realized the original draft wouldn't lead to that eventual confrontation. Not without forcing some things to happen.

So I started going with this new darker idea and realized that would work a lot better. So I kept going with this new little timeline until eventually getting to that final scene.

And then, well, I started thinking about where I wanted the rest of the fic to go. I started having doubts about the ending I originally had planned. There was a new direction to go into, but my indecisive self was now caught in the middle. Which put everything else into flux.

I've just recently committed to which ending I'm going with. It's the one that feels more honest to me and I think will serve the story better in the long run.

...The problem is it means re-thinking the rest of the AU by a lot. So that original outline I came up with in my head? Yeah that's getting recycled for parts.

And this time I won't just exist on ADHD hyperfixation and a dream, I will actually write an outline down for at least the basic events, and see how many parts come out through that.

2. How many parts are left?

So because I don't actually have said outline yet, I've no idea how many parts there are going to be. I will say that my original plan did have an Arc 2 and an Arc 3, and I probably will end up keeping that same structure. At the very least Arc 2 is definitely happening because the ideas behind that one aren't changed too too much by the new direction for the ending.

But basically it's a mystery to us all.

[italiantea]

can you believe i have clip studio paint. legally

i just think it's really funny i started digital art with a bigass tablet and photoshop and 4 years later i was using ibispaint a cracked 2nd hand phone and my finger and then 7 years later im using fucking powerpoint shapes and a trackpad

[ganondoodle]

(this is not about anyone in particular but i have encountered this argument alot too so i wanna say sth about it)

the thing that people like to use as an excuse to why totks story was so lackluster that they think of the gameplay first

but how is that an excuse for bad story and inconsistency with the game its supposedly a sequel too? does good gameplay suddendly mean that the story gotta be bad? they made it work just fine with botw, sure its got its problems and there are things that could have been better like in any game, but they made it work with the themes, it felt harmonical with the rest of it

yeah the story feels like an afterthought in totk, bc it probably was, but it didnt have to be, and not to toot my own horn here but thats what im trying to do with the rewrite, yes im including some wishes i have that would never be canon but this is ultimately wasted work im doing anyway, im restructuring the whole game bc i want it to be in tune with itself, i took the route of most changes bc its my little brainfart were i can make it into something i really want while using the real game as a basis, all that work is in vain anyway so why not go all out, but i have several ideas, some even written out, on how you could have made it better, sometimes with minimal changes even and even then, they dont matter, the game is done and higely successful, im just a random dude on the internet thats part of the 0.01% of fans that dont like it, im just insane enough (or autistic enough lol) to basically do game design and writing for an entire game IP i dont own and never will for a game thats already finished and wont change regardless of how much work i do or how much i yell about it

if you think its 'unfair' to the canon game bc some things are not doable (tho honestly given what they have already been able to do nintedny would absolutely be able to do everything im writing) or bc im changing so much then ok? if you think they had their reasons and thats ok with you then ok?

im not tho, and no i dont think they had a good reason nor good excuse to do it like this, thats my opinion anyway, and my opinion doesnt matter in the grant scheme of things

like you dont have to like anything i do with it, its not a demand of the devs, the games done already anyway and nothign will change that, im literally just making it into the sequel i would have loved, i would have wanted, i would think is better but thats just me, all of the work im doing for this project is an outlet for my frustration with the game that i cant let go bc i love the franchise, and most importantly botw, so much that i cant let it go

so if you dont like what im doing, thats fine, but move on then pls bc im not demanding anyone to like it and if you choose to engage with it despite not liking it thats not my fault now is it

and if you do like it i want to thank you for your support!! it means alot that maybe, even if its technically wasted work and time, its really not fully useless, if it can bring even one other person a little joy, thats a good engouh reason for me to keep posting it :3

[rozaceous]

mariko, violence, and the meta of violence in fanfiction

ok so it’s apparently not enough that i write the most indulgent kind of fic, but now i’m writing an essay about my fic. this got so long, abt 2k total. if i said sorry, it’d be insincere, but at least no one is making you read it?

i want to piggy-back off the post i made earlier this week where i was talking about how mariko was not well-adjusted, and was, in fact, doing extremely poorly. what this post turns into, however, is an analysis not only of mariko’s relationship to violence and her subsequent trauma, but a meta-analysis of how violence is treated in canon more broadly, and how that ends up translating into fic. because, and i mean this in a way that is distinctly not about tooting my own horn, i’m approaching violence with a different lens than what i've found in a majority of fic, but also in a way that is unique to SI fic.

‘to continue being alive is also an art’ starts in medias res ch 1 with mariko haring off to the confrontation at the bridge in wave. we find out later, she’s fresh from just having killed people for the first time. kakashi and mariko have their little chat abt it in ch 2, but it’s treated as done and resolved afterwards. it was self-defense, she was protecting others, she was justified and shouldn’t lose sleep over it.

mariko also kills during the chuunin exams itself (members of the sound team) and during the finals (she on-screen beheads a foreign ninja). there’s a sort-of killing w the itachi puppet in ch 15, and a mention of sasori, but otherwise we don’t get any particular details of her killing people until the events of ch 17, where she kills danzo and the rest of the elder council, as well as whoever was caught in the bombings. (i’m going to word-of-god this for everyone right now and tell you that there were people caught in the bombings, just like i will confirm that she’s killed other people in the interim of the time skip.)

from a writing-level, i approached violence in a very specific way. most of the violence is off-screen and mentioned as a retrospective; what occurs on-screen i tried to keep brief and matter-of-fact. graphic, maybe, but not gory. i also try not to play violence as something that’s done for laughs, like how sakura will beat naruto up in canon when he annoys her. (we’ll come back to this.) and a lot of this has to do with how mariko herself deals with violence.

i mentioned in that previous post, that mariko grows up in a militaristic culture where violence is a norm and acceptable, as someone who is not actually a kid who can be acculturated into that thinking in the same way. mariko comes from a culture and personal history where interpersonal violence is abhorrent. she tries to duck out of canon events and any requirement of violence on her own part by being a medic, but the team assignments (the narrative/me, if we’re wanting to get meta abt it lol) prevent her from achieving this relatively more peaceful role.

when mariko gets assigned to team seven, she has to get real comfortable with violence real fast. she’s already befriended naruto (and hahahaha you may remember that she does so by punching a guy 🙂) and she cares about kakashi and sasuke. she’s come to the realization that this is her lot, these are her people, they are her responsibility. as she notes in ch 2, she’s not good enough to solve her problems without killing. this is also to say, she’s not good enough to problem-solve without violence. it’s beyond her capacity and skill when the stakes are as high as they are. let’s also consider that caring about everyone is a luxury that mariko cannot afford, widespread mercy is potentially a death sentence, and so she narrows that care down to a handful of people. and so if she’s taking the well-being of her teammates as her ultimate good, she will absolutely let the ends justify the means.

added onto any personal sentiment is that, as far as mariko knows, if anyone on team seven dies, the entire world is fucked.

mariko one hundred percent and sincerely believes that violence is wrong. even when it’s justified, self-defense, etc., mariko views it as ugly. there may be situations where she assigns herself less blame, but she is always blaming herself for being too weak to find another way, because her (somewhat unrealistic) view is that violence is the sign that you’ve run out of other options to get your way.

however, with the stakes being as they are, and with the world she’s in treating violence as a form of currency, mariko sees violence as a necessity.

so we can see the dissonance, right? she has to use violence to protect not only herself, but the people she loves, and the entire world. and mariko’s fundamental optimism is that people are worth helping and that the world is worth saving, because if she doesn’t believe in that with her whole heart, she’d literally just curl up and die. she wants to be kind and to help and nurture and build, but her most effective tools—once again, she views using violence as a failure—are the ones she hates the most. but she has to use them. more, she has to be very, very good with them.

this isn’t a small-level dissonance, it’s a diametric opposition. so in terms of narration, mariko can’t think too much about the violence she’s enacted because it would destroy her. she knows this about herself. she hates it. but it’s necessary. and so she doesn’t think about it. and if she does think about it, she’s very clinical and writes it off as unfortunate and necessary and—well, it’s done, no use crying over it now. she’s disassociated herself from it. and i wanted that perspective reflected in the way i wrote about violence.

the other aspect of how i wanted to handle violence is from how i approach the canon. we’ve all read the fics where konoha is a grimdark dictatorship, with death and torture around every corner. and, uh, it is? it’s a fascist war machine, plainly. it’s child soldiers and state-sanctioned assassination baked into the world economy? there’re multiple instances of genocide? it’s a fucking nightmare.

i, personally, am not able to brush aside those things. i like the meta and the reading-into-things and the what-if’s that happen when you don’t take things at face value. so for me, the writer, i can’t glorify violence. there’s a reason i wrote mariko walking through the uchiha compound in the way that i did. so i’m not going to write like killing a thousand people in one go is anything but horrifying (staring at you, minato), even if i’m not interested in directly interrogating every particular instance of violence within the narrative.

but canon doesn’t approach it from this angle. for canon, this is all the quirky backdrop, and violence and killing are bad, but very few people tend to die in a meaningful sense. violence doesn’t often have lasting consequences. (this is, also, the evolution that Naruto goes through as a series, where it starts off as a critique of the state and then turns into bootlicking, but that’s another meta that plenty of others have written better than i can.) in canon, the ability to do high-damage moves is considered a cool power-up. in fact, your power level is directly correlated with your physical danger level—ie, your ability to do violence.

moreover, casual violence is funny in canon. (we’re back to sakura beating up naruto and it being treated as a joke.) these things are entirely the conceit of reading/watching canon, and it’s what we do with every piece of media. this isn’t a judgment! we are suspending our disbelief and buying into the premise of the story that gets told. and i would hardly have written over 50k of naruto fanfic if i didn’t find it innately compelling and, yes, fun.

so this is where the presentation of violence in fanfiction can get dicey, because not every author is approaching canon with the same spirit that canon itself has. i also want to make the blanket statement that i don’t think any one interpretation is right or wrong, it’s that they’re all interpretations. i’ve read and liked fics of all varieties; i’m not morality policing, i’m trying to place myself and my own fic within a broader phenomenon of how fics present the morality of violence. i don’t personally care what one fic thinks is morally good, nor do i think that a particular presentation necessarily corresponds with what the author thinks in real life, or even that a presentation has to be consistent from fic to fic. these are all lenses/perspectives, and fanfic is inherently about playing with the little details of canon and going, “And?”

so on one end, you’ll have some fics that 100% correspond with the attitude towards violence that canon has and aren’t too interested into getting into the grittier moral quandaries of the canon past what canon presents as good or bad. on the other, you’ll have other fics that will rip the morals of canon to shreds. again, i like both! it always depends what the focus of your story is!

i feel like i’m somewhere in the middle. i feel like a lot of naruto fics commit hard to either of the above scenarios from the start and i...don't (as one commenter pointed out). there's a level of progression I'm trying to portray. and, i have to say, part of the comment that @vermillioncrown left on ch 17 really resonated: “She's sunk as low as them, she's just as fucked up in this second life despite knowing another moral framework and society. And she's mud-wrestling them down at ground level lol.”

mariko ‘knows better’ but isn’t better. she doesn’t feel like she’s a good person. arguably, she isn’t a good person. she has enough of an outsider perspective to see the system for what it is, but she is still inherently within the system. she is absolutely playing the game, and doesn’t have any moral high ground. she kills, she lies, she deceives, she betrays. she harms people. her intentions might be noble, but as tumblr loves to say abt causing others harm: intention isn’t magic. mariko wants better and is trying to achieve it, but she’s in the system and can’t get out of it because we all inherently live in a society, and removing yourself from society isn’t exactly as feasible as our ideals might like.

and because tcba is, mostly, from mariko’s perspective, her understanding of violence colors the narrative. because mariko is an SI/OC, her perspective is one that is ALWAYS going to be a negotiation of ‘canon at face value’ and ‘me personally doing an analysis.’ and i think that’s really cool and interesting, which is why i’m doing it!

but—and this is not me throwing shade or getting mad or singling anyone out—this is also a take that is a little counter to broader fandom habit that aligns with ‘omg she was so badass when she killed that guy!’ or ‘yes! fuck it up!’

reiterating that i’m not trying to scold or slight anyone, bc this is the ‘canon at face value’ take, where we are supposed to see these things as badass and praise-worthy, and often these are climactic scenes where mariko is ostensibly cast as the righteous victor! and if people don’t see what i’m trying to do as different to that take, that’s also on me as the writer, especially bc, as i already said, this is a story that is trying to negotiate those different perspectives on violence. but i also want to point out that there’s more than just ‘violence as badassery’ happening. this is also ‘violence as tragedy.’

and since the meaning and role of violence isn’t a theme that’s going to go anywhere any time soon, i thought it was worth discussing.

[downforthegas]

Ok but like sometimes I think about how Wa//lly in the context of the show needs some things explained to him, sometimes even very basic things like laughing and feeling certain emotions... so I imagine he maybe needed to be explained what farts are... uh, I'm... (long post, I'm ashamed lol)

Like I imagine he's with Barnaby at Howdy's bodega, when Howdy hands him a chili dog and Barn taking it (and being the little joker that he is) says, "Howdy, I appreciate the chili dog, but I'm blaming you for when I get gas later." And Wally just goes, "Gas? But you're not a car." And then Howdy and Barn have a good laugh.

I imagine they explain the process to him, how someone sometimes just needs to fart, but Wally's still lost, even though Howdy feels like he explained it good enough. Barn's already thinking of (explosive) examples he can give himself, especially after eating that chili dog.

But instead, Howdy gives him a nice big can of beans, on the house. Wally stares into the can and blinks, eating what would be considered big spoonfuls of beans telepathically with his eyes. By the end, he feels his belly. It's swollen and putting pressure on the buttons desperately holding his cardigan closed. His two hands feel his belly, it feels weird for his normally flat stomach to feel like a balloon. Howdy and Barn are giggling a little, but notice Wally's having trouble. He knows he has to push but nothing's happening. Barn gently squeezes his sides, which results in Wally's backside finally making noise.

A loud, strong toot, rumbling for 10 seconds, sounding the same throughout those seconds, ending with a loud pop, so loud you could swear Wally made a hole in his pants. He sighs, feeling less pressure in his belly. Then he smells the air. A ripe fart stink permeates the once clear air in the shop, which Howdy and Barn notice as well. "Jeez! How did somethin so small make somethin so smelly?" and now Wally feels a little awkward that he ripped something that smells so terrible. But this awkwardness doesn't stay once it's Howdy's turn.

Howdy's stomach rumbles audibly and he leans over, rubbing his mid section with two hands, the other two holding the counter. Barn asks him what's wrong, and Howdy just says, "You tell me? You thought it'd be a great idea to eat at that *uugh!* new place!" Howdy would be so used to eating leafy greens like any caterpillar that eating greasy unhealthy foods for once totally turns his stomach upside down. He tries not to but a loud, bubbly fart rumbles against his pants, blowing the strings on his apron. Squeezing his cheeks together doesn't help and only amplifies the sound. Clusters of louder short farts keep erupting as Howdy can't help but give up and relieve himself. When he's done, Barn and Wally are laughing while teal blush forms on Howdy's face. "Well, I'm lucky no one else is in this shop. Otherwise, I would've lost some good-paying customers."

Barn comments saying, "Those were worse than your usual farts!" Which only makes Howdy blush more. "But that's nothing. Watch this." He leans against the counter, slightly lifting a let before a monsterous fart escapes. The whole counter, floor, and walls shake from his huge bassy fart. What's crazy is that it wasn't even from the chili dog.

Wally holds his nose and Howdy holds his shirt over his nose, fans the air, and sprays with a room spray (which you can get for a good joke from Howdy's Place, the home of everything you need and everything you don't). Barnaby plays it off as if it's just a small toot, waving his backside with his hand, and his little tail, saying, "Whoo! I don't mean to toot my own horn but... well, I just did. Hehehehe!"

Wally seems to understand now, but he's not a big fan of the combined smells from everyone. Howdy's about to say they should open the door to air the smell out, but then another neighbor walks in and immediately passes out from the smell.

[pamphletstoinspire]

Perfect - and Powerful - Summer Devotions for the Holy Souls in Purgatory

Ah, summertime, and the living is easy. Two weeks of vacation. A few days at the beach. An afternoon picnic in the park. And….

Prayers for the suffering souls in purgatory? Absolutely! No week or two off for them. Purgatory is never a day at the beach.

The revelations of St. Alphonsus Liguori and St. Teresa of Avila tell us most souls are released from purgatory on Christmas Day. OK. Why not give them “Christmas in July”! And August. Why not make these three summer months a time to help them … and, in doing that, help ourselves?

Ourselves? You bet. Do you think it’s even remotely possible that the souls you’ve helped free from purgatory are going to forget the role you played once they’ve entered heaven? Not now, not ever. From that instant you have good, good friends in not just high places. In the highest place ever.

(Actually, they knew what you were doing for them while they were in purgatory and that’s when they started praying —interceding — for you).

The Precious Blood July is the month of Precious Blood. The holy souls long for the Precious Blood of that Sacred Heart. St. Thomas Aquinas tells us that “as the dew refreshes and raises up the withering plants and flowers, so does the Blood of Christ revive and comfort and bring renewed hope to the poor souls in purgatory.” This summer print out or bookmark the Litany of the Sacred Heart and the Litany of the Most Precious Blood and pray them often for the holy souls. No access to a computer or smartphone? Ask a friend to print a copy for you (It’s good to have friends of earth, too!).

The Stations of the Cross Along with the Mass and Rosary, the praying the Stations of the Cross is a powerful, powerful, powerful way to help souls in purgatory and acquire merit for ourselves (No, the Stations aren’t meant to be limited to cold, dark Lenten Fridays). As Jesus pointed out to Venerable Sister Martha Marie Chambon (introducer of the Holy Wounds Chaplet Rosary): “When you offer my holy wounds for sinners, you must not forget to do so for the souls in purgatory, as there are but few who think of their relief.”

It’s not that we don’t care. It’s not that we don’t want to. It’s just that, shrug, we get busy. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of our prayers. Two suggestions here. The standard Stations of the Cross (or Way of the Cross) or the ancient devotion of praying The Way of the Cross for the Holy Souls. That’s the title of the first book I ever wrote (edited) and I don’t mention it here to make sales.

Please forgive me if it seems like I’m tooting my own horn. I’m not. But I never hesitate to toot horns, bang drums, and shout from the rooftops for the holy souls in purgatory. You can find a copy of the Stations of the Cross here. And more information about The Way of the Cross for Holy Souls here.

Following a practice that goes back many centuries, consider praying the Stations for the holy souls for thirty-three consecutive days at home or at church. If possible, go to Mass on each of those days in honor of Our Lord’s thirty-three years on earth. What a marvelous summer devotion this can be. I know this devotion is potent since I have done it for years. Many favors have been obtained by this means. It’s an exchange of prayers. I love Blessed Solanus’ statement: “The holy souls hardly ever fail.”

And remember: In a special way we can offer this practice for the priests and consecrated men and women in purgatory who tend to be forgotten too soon after their deaths. Remember, we gain fresh intercessors and when we pray for the souls plus it increases their intercessory power for you! (See the Catechism of the Catholic Church #958).

Take a “Prayer Stroll” In August, a month devoted to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, try a family “prayer stroll” through your local cemetery to pray for all those buried there. Continually pray the Eternal Rest Prayer on your rosary beads.

Visit the graves of your loved ones and clean their sites in a spirit of prayer and penance. Place or plant flowers near their grave in their honor. Have younger family members sprinkle holy water on the graves. (It’s one of the first sacramentals of the Church. Holy water refreshes the holy souls).

I did this with my young cousin, and he ran around the cemetery sprinkling holy water on the nearby graves as well! That’s the spirit, and a lesson for the youngest generation. Remember Masses and Gregorian Masses. The Pious Union of St. Joseph is one of the best organizations to arrange Masses for your deceased dear ones.

A Day with Mary Pious legend has it that on the day Mary was assumed into heaven (now marked on August 15th) all of purgatory was emptied, and the souls detained there accompanied her in her triumphant entry into paradise.

St. Bernardine of Siena said that through her prayers and the application of her own merits, the Blessed Mother has the power of freeing souls — especially her devotees — from purgatory. And St. Peter Damian attests that every year on the Solemnity of the Assumption, Our Lady liberates thousands of souls.

This summer, join with her, pray with her, for the souls who are longing for their personal, spiritual, "Independence Day." And let the celestial fireworks begin!

BY SUSAN TASSONE

[thornpuck]

A diary entry.

Apologies for those that are just here for the art, but I use this as a diary sometimes just 'cause I need a place to vent. I tag it with self/text so if you wanna flag it I think you can. (Unless you can't.)

So without tooting my own horn too much, I think it's honestly pretty impressive how far I've come in these past few years. It's come gradually but also sorta in an all-at-once sorta way. I've gone from being a right piece of work to someone who's actully trying to be a nice person. I feel like I'm in some weird sitcom about a guy who used to be a bad person try to be a good person - it's almost comical at times.

It's been such a big chunk of character development for me: I overcame being an abrasive online troll to become like, on ok decent guy. Not a great guy, but someone who doesn't get aggressive/insulting to others anymore.

But it's also ... the toughest thing I've ever done. I seem to just be an arrogant twat by nature lol so reclibrating that behviour has been hella hard. I still slip up. I don't want a medal but I feel like that crying cat meme, like the bare minumum is being an ok decent guy but I clawed my way from hell to get to the ground plane.

I dunno why I'm verbalizing all this. it's been on my mind. I guess a part of me also is publishing it 'cause I feel like it's hard to excape being an asshole for so long. I don't expect forgiveness, but I do wanna be like, "I'm not that guy anymore soz about all that :/" AHEM now that that's all out of my system, some other news:

I now refer to myself as an ex game developer

Sticker/merch work is going well, family members are keen to help me out so that's pretty good. I'm really enjoying drawing things inspired by my hometown. I know tumblr is more rainbow-barfing-dogs and less dusky-moorhens but I'll probably lean towards drawing things that are appealing to me rather than try to chase notes etc.

Feel like I've gone from 0-100 REAL quick art wise but I don't think it's anything to worry about? I think for so long (a decade?) I've had feelings of needing-to-study-ankles or needing-to-be-better or needing-to-draw-good but now I'm all: I'm going to sit in the corner and draw my funky little animals and that seems to have alleviated my art burnout.

I've gotten really into tea, like gong fu style shit and I'm like teetering on the edge of geeting pueh which I know will be a whole other step.

[snippetsofsydney]

Find the positives

I don't know if it's because of how my brain is wired, my life experiences, but I can be a cup half empty kinda girl. I don't mean to be, I just am and my brain likes to latch onto the negative and along come the intrusive thoughts to make life difficult because why the hell not? But you know what? Screw that. There's so much good in my life and I'm going to focus on that and all this negativity can take a long walk off a short pier. I'm even going to take the negative and turn it into a positive, example: the move was a shitshow, we moved into a filthy house with issues BUT we moved into our forever home, we have made the calls needed to get repairs done and we will be able to decorate and make this house truly ours and this is our home where Claire and I will become wives, Sunshine will blossom into an incredible and very sassy young woman.

Living with mental illness and being autistic can make things really difficult when it comes to being kind to myself and finding the good in life. Ok, mostly the mental illness because bipolar is a fuckwit that needs to go rot in the lowest depths of hell but I have done so much this year. I am autistic, I struggle with change and yet I've gone from being single to happily engaged, I'm a parent to two children (well, one child and a man child, he's 19 and doesn't live with us), I have moved house not once but twice this year and dealt with God knows how many social situations when I'm really not a social person at all. I think this year, I've actually kicked ass. I should be proud of myself for all of this and I am. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn and that's ok, that's not being egotistical or narcisstic, it's acknowledging your own accomplishments and you should.

I've also got so much to look forward to, little and big. Little things like having a sister date on Friday with Goldie to go see Wicked at the cinema and having a Mummy & Syd day next week with my mum which is something we haven't done in so long. Big things like, my first Christmas with the love of my life and our children.

I'm not saying that things are easy, there's a tonne of stress going on right now, I worry about health stuff with my family, I worry about money, I worry if I'm doing the right things as a parent and a partner, but I figure, this is all part of being an actual adult. I spent so long sheltered and cutout from the world and this is what life is like and that's more than ok. I will adapt and learn to cope with stress and share my worries with Claire because that's what we do, we communicate. New routines will be formed and I will even out because as an autistic human, I thrive on routines. A lot is up in the air because we have just moved but things will settle and I won't be so anxious and rawr all the time.

The point guys, is find the positives, they are there and you will learn so much about yourself in the process and realise that even in the face of all the negativity that you have so much to be thankful for and that there are so many blessings you don't even realise exist.

My name is Syd, I am human, feelings are messy and complicated, but I am learning and I will never give up on learning.

[edsbacktattoo]

Chapter Twelve: A Thousand Guilts

Ta-dah! Newest chapter has been posted, and you can find it here. :)

[ittybittybumblebee]

I wish i had time to do more animation bc im not bragging when i say i think im pretty good at it, i just sortof have an instict about how to apply weight in movement and i just wish i could show you guys it more bc i really love doing it and i wish i had time to do more

[pallas-cat]

tbh i think authors need to quote themselves more

[c-nan]

I miiight have a small Wayhaught Hogwarts fic for y’all coming soon👀👀 (I wrote it ages ago for my mom, but I haven’t edited it yet. It’s really small though so it shouldn’t take long.) BUUUT, I will not post it or edit it until I finish my Dianne fic and I will also not start or EVEN OUTLINE my Beach Boys/Supercorp fics until the Dianne fic is completed. And now since I’ve told y’all, I’m obligated to get the fic done so I can give y’all the fics I’ve been more passionate about.

[doebt]

one of the ONLY things in life that im truly proud of is that i basically raised my sibling and they turned out to be such a genuinely goodhearted person..and that is almost completely on Me, not our parents, or even grandparents, it was 99 percent Me..and what a RELIEF lol for real.