#ok but like I’m legitimately tired as shit rn to the point I thought doing anything series or work related would b impossible

[floorpancakes]

not going to comment on how this was supposed to be a low effort meme sketch but i guess im legit incapable of those so i blinked and it became an actual thing. wait i just di

[dear-trashpanda]

Okay but the whole food question is just such a fucking pain rn. Like, I'm entirely too happy starving myself until I literally drop.

And also I'm still fat and it's not like it's *visible* that I'm not eating, so I literally cannot conceptualise the consequences of it.

And like it takes so much energy to trick myself into eating.

And when I'm not on drugs I don't always have the mental fortitude to find/make food, even if I do feel hungry (and most of the time I'm so tired from being calorie-starved that just the physical effort it takes to prepare food is too much). And when I am on drugs and I would have the capacity to make food, I'm not hungry. Rinse, repeat.

And I desperately want to lose weight so I can have top surgery so a skipped meal here and there is quite easy to justify.

And while I know that not eating is bad, I'm also emotionally unwell and kinda unstable and scrambling for some resemblance of control and starving just scratches that itch? Like, it's an invisible form of self harm.

But at the same time if I do that, if I let go of my efforts and just spiral, that won't just fuck me over, I'm literally fucking with a shared body.

And it's just so much fucking pressure to keep the body maintained and to keep a relatively healthy lifestyle that it makes everything way harder. Like, I need to be allowed to abuse my body but I don't have one? And if I do, I'm actually abusing my big brother AND a helpless child as well?

And like, I feel ridiculous because I'm like what, acting out? But at the same time I can't stop and I can literally feel myself slipping back into old unhealthy patterns.

It's just so easy, not to eat. And at a point it almost becomes a moral obligation, and an addiction and just generally the most attractive option, and y'all idolising skinny bodies doesn't help because I can already hear my mum squeal with delight telling me how good I look without all that weight, and I can hear the casual comments about people being proud of me for finally taking charge of my health and going on a diet and all that bullshit and I'm like "ha, gotcha!" but I'm also like really ashamed because how do you tell these people that "sorry to disappoint, I'm actually being really self-destructive and unhealthy here because it turns out being skinny ≠ being healthy" and I feel disgusted by myself because deep down I still crave that recognition and approval, even though I really thought I didn't.

And I am so disappointed because I thought we were past all this, like, I legitimately thought I was over the whole eating disorder thing and now I'm just feeling this sick excitement every time I feel a hunger pang and I decide not to eat, or every time I look in the mirror and see how sunken in my face looks or when I put my chin in my palm and I can feel my jawline being more pronounced.

And I'm pushing away responsibility so hard. Like, even though I desperately want to obsess over it, I'm actually not counting calories because I'm tired of my app telling me every day that I won't get my badge because I haven't eaten enough. And I desperately want to buy a scale, even though I know I shouldn't have one because I can't behave with them and they trigger the shit out of me... But at this point I want to be triggered? Like, I'm so deep in that I'm jumping for literally any slight approval of bad behaviour and unhealthy practices and while I haven't sought out any pro-anorexia type content yet, it's not like I'm far from doing it...

Mostly I'm just super ashamed of myself? Like, I should be able to kick this thing, and I don't even really understand why this is happening to me, or why now, and it just feels like such a weak thing to do... And I'm torn because I want to just give up and sink into it, it feels like I'm drowning in a pool of tar, trying to stay on the surface but it's like, impossible? And at the same time I so desperately want someone to say that it's ok, that it's ok to fail that it doesn't make me a bad person, that it doesn't invalidate 16 years of fight I put into this whole thing, that I'll get past this spell and it won't ruin me or my loved ones...

But at the same time whenever someone tries to help me or get me to eat or even just talk about it unless I mention it first I just get so flustered and like I can't really deal with it and I get frustrated and I just wish they weren't, but I can't explain how it feels so invasive and pressuring and how it just makes everything worse, but I can also see how not talking about it would just make it into This Whole Thing™ and that would probably make me spiral even harder so how the fuck do I not spiral?!

I don't know how to deal with this. It's something I once learnt to cope with but it was so long ago I can't remember how I did it, and that was way back, before I was me, and in ernest I actually only ever had to deal with overeating, and that's easy enough, I mean, I think it was, or at least right now it doesn't seem like such an issue.

And I have all these intrusive thoughts that are just constantly whispering sweet little nothings in my ears, and they are both disturbing but also really inviting, and I just don't know where this will end...

[bitchsexuality]

ok, if you’re interested, here are the Details of what happened yesterday (for those of u who didn’t see the post, my crush kissed me and also he’s now my boyfriend and also i’m Dying)

putting this under a readmore because i know myself and i know it’s gonna get like... super long. if you’re on mobile i am SO SORRY:

he’d missed class on monday so i’d told him “hey do you want me to show you how to do [X thing] we learned on monday?” and he’d said yes, so yesterday i went to his place (partly i actually meant to help him out with that. partly i just wanted to cuddle again)

now, as it turns out i’m DREADFUL at like, teaching, so i spent like 20 minutes trying to find a way to explain how to do that thing and eventually kinda gave up because i knew i was making it more confusing for him, so i told him we should probably look up tutorials online or something because i was clearly not helping

at that point he looked at me, shrugged, and said “do you mind if we do that later? i’m kinda tired right now. can we sit on the bed? it’s more comfortable” (that’s not exactly what he said but i don’t remember perfectly + my brain’s melted so i probably wouldn’t know how to translate it kjdsfbg)

and perhaps i Should have been more responsible, but like i’d wanted to cuddle again for the entire fucking week. also my chair WAS kind of uncomfortable. so i said “ok :)” and we sat on the bed. we started talking about our week -we hadn’t seen each other on monday, tuesday or wednesday- and eventually we just ended up cuddling again

which obviously made me happy, like of course i was thinking i wanted to kiss him but i would’ve been fine with just cuddling y’know? count your blessings or whatever. we stayed like that for a while, hugging each other, and then he whispers something that i legitimately couldn’t understand. i asked him to repeat it and he told me “nevermind, sorry, i’m embarrassed now”

and ok. god. that should’ve been a clue. and i should’ve just told him “can i kiss you”. but i’m constantly fucking terrified of like, putting myself out there and shit, so i just said “you can tell me anything you want, but don’t worry and take all the time you need” (again, paraphrasing)

we stayed silent for a relatively long time, with him hugging me really right, until suddenly he kinda let go of me, told  me "i'm having a hard time saying it so i'll write it down on my phone instead". i turned around, he started writing, and then he looked up at me -blushing like hell- and said "no wait i'm sorry i'm also too embarrassed to show you this" 

so at that point i'm definitely sure Something's going on and i wanted  to tell him Something to reassure him, but again i'm emotionally inept and i didn't know what to say so i just sat there, smiling at him, my brain going ???????, until he kinda leaned forward and very gently placed a finger on my lips? and made this kind of hmm... idk how to explain it, kind of a quizzical humming sound if that makes sense. (also he was still blushing). again i'm emotionally inept so i just nodded because i couldn't think of anything else to say

his eyes widened, he smiled, and we both leaned forward and kissed really softly and DKFNJKSDFN OK JUST. THINKING ABOUT THIS IS MAKING ME D*E. it was so sweet y'all... and after that we kept kissing... but without tongue sdkjbdf because i told him i didn't know how to do that and i was kinda embarrassed but he told me not to worry about any of that

then we just looked at each other, smiling like a pair of fucking Idiots, and he asked "hey so do you-" and mouthed something that i didn't understand. i told him that, he laughed a bit, and said "ok i'm still embarrassed, i AM going to write this down this time around", so he grabbed his phone and wrote "do you want to be my girlfriend" and. i mean. y'all don't need me to tell you what i said right dkjsfgbg

(and god ok one of the FIRST things he told me after that was "we're doing this at your pace, whatever happens only happens when and if you want it to" and i kinda laughed and went "my pace is probably going to be pretty slow" so he kissed the top of my head and said "then we'll go slow" which... legitimately means so much to me)

after that everything was just So Cute y'all like we were cuddling + kissing, at some point we ended up laying down on the bed -we were sitting before that- and he was hugging me really tight and like kinda softly stroking behind my ear with one hand + running his thumb over my knuckles with the other (we were holding hands) and. ok. we Were kissing a lot

AND at a certain point, after kissing me, he whispered “te quiero” which is a bit hard to translate? because it isn’t 100% “i love you”. it’s more of “i like you a lot” or something like that???? idk. but it was really really sweet and i was grinning like a fucking idiot

i'm not going to talk about Everything because otherwise i'll never stop fkdjb (also because most of it is just about us kissing...) but yeah i am REALLY fucking happy rn

and i am so, so grateful that my first kiss was with him, because he's truly so careful + thoughtful and i really appreciate how he asked me for consent + if i was comfortable every single step of the way. it means so much to me 😭

[prettylittledarlingsid]

Separated

So I separated from my husband.. and it’s weird. We decided to stay living together in order to keep our toddler’s life as normal as possible but it’s weird. My instincts tell me be close to him cause that’s what I’m used to, but I have no feelings for him for me to be able to do that authentically. I have a wonderful friend who always tells me I don’t need to preface myself but tonight I will. To get it all off my chest just this once I need to preface myself.

We have been together & married for 4 years. Yea that’s right we hella rushed into shit..& 8 months after we got married I found out I was pregnant with our first child... now yes I LOVE my husband more than I should probably. The last four years have been filled with amazing moments & completely shitty ones.. like our first fight where our neighbor came to check on us because he didn’t know if everyone was ok in the apartment. Or the time where we were arguing over cry it out vs not crying it out with our daughter & he put his hands on me. Or the time where he stole my phone & I slammed his wrist in the door trying to get it back so he wouldn’t call his parents & tell them we were breaking up. Or the time where he thought I was leaving him so he tried to kill himself & then somehow convinced the doctors he was fine & didn’t need mental help. Along with having a pregnancy that was a complete shitty roller coaster because my partner was against us having the baby one minute & then all for it the next one. This entire relationship has made me feel like I’m the problem, I can’t do anything right, & honestly like I’m completely insane. While Ik I’m crazy Ik I’m not completely insane.

I am married to a man who can be wonderful when he’s not in his head. The man I’ve been with is narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, possessive, & wanted me to fix him for the longest time. I am so sick of being manipulated & controlled & then being told that’s not what’s happening here. I am so sick of him thinking he’s superior to me. I am so sick of ALL the bullshit that goes along with being his romantic partner. All the pressure fucking sucks. & I had been telling him for the longest that I just needed him to work on himself. & he just wouldn’t. It got to the point where I was suffocated & needed an escape so thankfully he was okay with fully opening up our marriage. & it opened my eyes. He doesn’t respect me, he thinks I should be “obeying” him. Yes he legitimately told me “I’m tired of you disobeying me” & after I heard that I was completely done. Just over all the bullshit. So I have a meeting with a divorce lawyer & we have officially separated. He’s now making all the changes I needed him to make when we were together & it’s just too late rn. Maybe we can try again but I just need time... there’s been too much shit & I’ve been made to feel like it’s all my fault. & while Ik I had a hand in it I never forced him to react in a toxic way towards me.

So I’m separated & all I want is to be held. I’m so lost & so confused & so so so very scared. I do know I couldn’t live another day like that so I’m proud of myself for putting myself first for once. But I feel so much guilt. Guilt for breaking promises to my husband & guilt for not loving myself like I deserve to. But now I’m taking my life back for myself. I mean when you get married at 21 years of age.. how can you expect anyone to stay the person they were when they were 21..? I’m just going to use this year to figure out who I wanna be & how to get there.

-Pretty Little Darling Sid

[soysaucevictim]

Poofed again.

-

Mar 2:

I’ve been up since about 7:11 AM.

I’ve mostly spent my day watching/listening to YouTube vids and gaming. :P

So I got my exercise in a bit later than ideal, but I got it done.

First, yesterday’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. Rain-checked on this because my energy levels was really only up for my main workout's cardio. Was contemplating on breaking this up, even now, but glad I pressed on. Counted 249 reps, but heels stopped making consistent contact in the last ~20-50 reps. Oof. :U

Second, today’s DD. 60 scissors with EC. Got a smidge distracted today, but at least it's done on the due date. Pffft! Anyways, I like "crunch" variations where I can keep my head on the floor. :,D

Third, Day 18 of the FCP. Strength training. This was just manageable, relatively anaerobic so I didn’t feel quite as harried as yesterday. Tried to be more mindful about my squatting form - since I’ve noticed a few instances of knee complaints the last few times of ‘em. I think my knees were happier with me. Punches were fun as always~

Last, Day 18 of the TYTC. Simple and fun. Did get a bit of a head rush on the way up from the toe touch - probably a bit dehydrated or something (I did probably have too much sugar and salt for the day).

-

Mar 3:

Woke up ~11AM. And I spent most of the day watching YouTube and playing some games. Did also play some cards with family and made dinner.

Only exercise I managed to get done was the DD. 60 bicep extensions with EC. This was a fun way to wake up today! Nice to have a breezier DD at times. :D

Did attempt Day 19 of the FCP... I’ll just copy the tweets I made about it:

HHHHh- I hate holding elbow planks for longer than like a minute. Was only able to will myself through one set of this before going "Fuck it. I'm doing this one tomorrow. I just don't have the energy rn."

Midway into Set 2 I dropped my knees a few times but just kinda stopped at that point. My head just wasn't in the game. (While I'm glad this was going to be only 3 sets - I just yeah. Gdi, man. But I'm not abt to give up on this program, so help me.) :/

Part of why I feel not so great abt this kinda exercise was that time I tried to do the 5' [elbow] Plank Challenge. A bit >2' IS my failure point / PB. Where I can just feel myself pushing way too damn hard. So doing 3 sets of that with little rest is toeing the line of NOEP.

The whole ETD thing ALSO doesn't help me feel too comfortable with the idea of forcing me past that wall, too. I just need to remind myself - counting this day, there's only 2 more plank days in the program. If I can get through them - I'll be ok.

-

Mar 4:

Was up proper at around 10AM (got up a bit earlier but was too tired/sleepy to stay up). Almost same story as the day prior. Gaming, YouTube, showered, and did some laundry. So I was a little more productive.

Like yesterday, all I could make myself do was the DD again. 2′ side splits with EC. This was a fun one! Legs did start trembling near the end, but doing a few half jacks as warmup was very helpful and enjoyable too!

Ran into the same wall with FCP, today. I expanded on my thoughts/feelings about it on Twitter again.

Tried yesterday's workout again. STILL hit the same wall. I just. I'm legitimately upset. I'm tempted to table this program entirely. I just. Can't make myself do this. Maybe in the future? But not rn. Almost a third of the way left and it hurts emotionally.

Especially given how very MANAGEABLE the rest of this damn program is and has been. I wish I could find SOME way to frame this elbow plank shit in a way that helps sustainably. I'm angry, mostly at myself, I really don't want to give up again.

I'm trying to tell myself, failure is a learning opportunity and not the end of the world (which is actually too hyperbolic a sentiment in this case). But shit like me somehow scraping through the first plank day makes me go "how the fuck did I do that." soysaucevictim.tumblr.com/post/182889402… Reading that makes me wonder if I should just modify this day's workout in some way. Just to get through the damn thing with some credit. I know DAREBEE is all about accessibility and they don't hold it against you if you do need to modify. I've done it before.

Question remains, how would I go about it. Do I... - Allow knees to drop occasionally - Make some of the planks full planks (arms straight) - Or extend the rest periods out (tho FC's structure is about active rest - not sure how sustainable even slow jacks are gonna be)

Wound up spending time after those tweets just putting away laundry and getting notes together for my appointment tomorrow.

-

Mar 5:

Been up since almost 8AM. Was busy today... and super exhausted after everything.

Was picked up to get to my doctor appointment this morning. Voiced various concerns. Got a prescription [or really a recommendation, since it was OTC] for some earwax clearing solution, since it turns out there was some notable buildup and it probably contributed to ETD and tinnitus symptoms. (Amongst a few other things, but this helped to give me some clarity.)

Got to the facility... and experienced a panic episode over almost losing my Miniday Log to Excel crashing and unsuccessfully recovering it on it’s own. Couldn’t find it in the directory and noticed a few TMP files (with random strings of letters and numbers as filenames) in it’s place (date modified clued me into what I was actually looking at). Telling Excel to Open & Repair managed to be the fix. I was so relieved to’ve figured it out.

Doing the DD afterwards did help to calm my nerves a good deal (as well as Jewel Quest & socializing). 2′ leg extensions with EC (”donkey kicks”). Doing this DD also helped me feel a bit less restless afterwards. I counted exactly 100 reps, this time. A few false starts because I needed to cushion my knees, one being bruised from previous injuries. But yeah, I did enjoy doing this one.

Next, went to my psychiatrist appointment. Which went well enough, especially after some clarity from previous doctor’s appointment. As a  few of my concerns for both overlapped a bit. We decided to stay the course.

Got home a bit late, got hella distracted by the usual, and determined that I was too damn exhausted to workout. (Used the ear drops a couple times, spaced out. That was fucking weird in the sensory department - but I felt it helpful!)

-

Mar 6:

Been up since about 2PM (did get up some hours earlier, but decided I was too tired to stay up, esp after meds and breakfast.)

I spent almost my entire day playing games and watching YouTube. But I was goaded into playing some cards and I did get in my exercise for the day.

First, today’s DD. 20 supermen with EC. Rather late. I just wound up getting distracted by games... but got this one done without any issue.

Second, Day 19 of the FCP. The dreaded plank work. I decided I would allow myself to be okay with dropping my knees if I felt I had to. Did better than the past few attempts, got about halfway into the last set before I had to do that. I think too, that the ear drops helped. Acceptable performance. :P

Third, Day 20 of the FCP. Tendon strength work. Honestly the only tough part was the frontal holds, as opposed to the lateral ones. But as usual, I greatly enjoy this type of workout! :D

Last, Days 19+20 of the TYTC. Breezy fun, as usual. I like doing this challenge a bunch! =w=

I don’t feel like wrestling with my phone (yesterday it shut down constantly) to meditate tonight. Will be winding down soon.

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 16 - “Debbie was right. Never trust a god damn redhead” - Owen

That tribal actually went better than I could have ever expected, even with Owen staying.  Owen definitely only had it set up to play his idol if an idol was played on Cullan, two idols burnt and one was def wasted by Cullan so now he doesn't have it to use later in the game if/when it inevitably comes time to start making hard decisions.  That play also drives Maynor/Timmy/Chips a little closer to me in that 6 person alliance which I absolutely need.  KAIT IS GONE!!!!!  Every round, every day she was buttering me up as jury management, I knew it, she knew it.  That is absolutely annoying, makes me want someone to win even less.  The reason I wanted Owen first was for the simple fact Kait would be more likely to try to work with me than Owen if she knew she was on the bottom.  Oh well, pretty good tribal for me all in all, everything turned up Ian.  

Debbie was right. Never trust a god damn redhead. Me: omg Maynor so cute love my showmance Me: omg Timmy and I putting our shit in the past love him Maynor and Timmy: rihanna.winking.gif In a way I deserve it. I made myself heard these last few votes with pulling together alliances at merge and going after Devon and Ian and even the Venus thing. And I accidentally revealed in the chat that Kait found my idol. It made sense for them to take a shot, although not sure why me and not Kait and matt who are more likeable and powerful lmao Now I’m just like.... okay Devon and Ian got what they wanted which is gross? Timmy and Maynor gonna try to sell this as their move but as far as I’m concerned Devon and Ian own it. I’m sure they capitalized on touchy subjects to make me strong and them weak. Moving forward I just hope that now that Kait is gone there are bigger fish to fry.... I’m gonna get drunk and then deal with this tomorrow lmao Two rounds ago I was stressed choosing between my two closest allies. Now both of them are gone and I’m fucked 😂

I’m shocked Owen knew to play his idol...I need to figure out how that happened. I am happy Kait left in the end though because that’s who I even said in the Ridiculous 6 chat but others wanted Owen and I didn’t feel like pushing too much because either going was fine to me. But 7-3 in the revote was spicy, I think it was Matt that flipped just to be in the majority for his piece of mind. Still don’t really trust him anymore because he’s a liar, but it is what it is. Should be interesting tomorrow when people have more time to talk.

I guess i’ll make one before going to bed cuz Johnny asked. So this challenge was cute. The fishes though were very douchey. Tbh when Timmy told me Ian had 19 million when I had 9 million, I was like Im not winning. I also thought Cullan was going to beast this challenge and get like 100 million. I was shook to find out that I won. And I won the final 9 immunity which means I beat my Guyana placement which is amazing. Im so happy. Now I just need to get further in this game. But first need to see who will be voted out at tribal tomorrow night. No names have been said yet. More updates tomorrow, i promise.

If Cullan's amateur hour costs me MY game for me.... then I guess I deserve it, alliance management is kind of my whole thing in these games. I try to make everyone I'm allied with to feel like I want to go to the top with them. I can fix this, I have too. Why the hell would you tell someone that 4 people already want to vote one way? Quit getting ahead of yourself, think of the future but focus on the round at hand. Single digits is a slow burn and every fucking step has to be precise. If I can manage to keep the "alliance" together Cullan just solidified why I want to sit with him in the end, he won't win.

So I’m still recovering from the real life hangover and survivor hangover of losing Kait and having my little alliance blown into smithereens. I still do trust Maynor and Madison moving forward but I definitely feel there’s less room to hide. All I can really do at this moment is kind of get on board with voting Owen, which btw I wanted to do anyway eventually hehe. Not having kait makes me nervous but I definitely feel less tethered and more free to make moves moving forward and I hope one of them involved actually getting cullans ass out smh I’m telling you he’s gonna win.

Odd day, not really sure what to do. I feel like doing Owen is predictable so I am exploring some options today. I am trying to see what is best for me going forward.  I think Owen Madison and Matt all have the jury votes at this point so getting them out may be good. But long term is that what is best for me, I don’t know. 

I feel lost...like I know what both sides are doing but being in the middle has its drawbacks knowing that maynor and i are on the bottom of both sides then which sucks. I think the best move tonight is to get rid of Owen but who knows what implications that will end up having. Will be interesting.

I had a dream I made a rlly funny confessional and then I woke up to find literally nobody has messaged me back except for Devon who is talking about god knows what I’m literally miserable without Kait. I thought that Maynor and Timmy would easily flip back to us and vote with me matt madison to break up the Devon Cullan Ian thing. But Maynor didn’t answer me all day and madison barely is. Timmy said ‘what moves are to be made’ ???? Matt at least came and told me Cullan said it was me and then told me Maynor and madison are in and they’re talking to timmy. Why are they talking to matt but not me??? It’s fucked up And then I yelled st Cullan and asked if he was just gonna let Devon and Ian drag him to the end and beat him and he was like ‘well I’ll vote them if there’s numbers’ lmao. Bitch idek god I’m tired of him asking me what the vote is all the time like GSKSHDB WHY DO U THINK I HAVE ANY CONTROL THIS ROUND I’m Absolutely about to lose my mind. I’m surprised it’s taken this long for me to snap but I legitimately can’t stand omg. Like I don’t even bother messaging chips or Ian lmao I don’t have anything to talk to them about I wish I could’ve won immunity. If I somehow stay tonight I need to figure something out 

I think Owen is gonna get voted out and if that happens I’m done! But let’s pray chips is going bye bye.

I’m absolutely pissed at Madison and Maynor. Why aren’t they fucking talking to me when they’re apparently telling matt they’ll do stuff???? What the fuck!? Matt is telling me Devon will apparently vote chips. Okay....? Like what do you want me to do or say? You have all the information rn because nobody will message me. I asked Matt if he thought we should still vote Ian and then if Devon rlly votes chips it would be 4-4-1 and I can use my tiebreaker. Matt was like ‘who would they vote I don’t want to make it too complicated’ I DONT KNOW WHO THEYD VOTE UR THE ONE TALKING TO THEM. I appreciate him trying to save me but it’s frustrayinf because I have no stability rn when they just ugh’nnn idk. Why hasn’t he made a group or some shit 

The vote tonight is going to be Owen, most likely. But Matt Madison and Owen wants to do Chips. I dont know if thats a good move. Its better to have Owen gone since he is a huge threat in the game. I just feel bad about voting for him again.

Alright, so here's a hot take of what's been going on with me and this game. Last round the goal was to vote out Owen because he's the biggest threat in a group of four that has been conspiring to control the game - the group is Owen, Kait, Madison, and Matt. The way I see the group breaking down is basically, Owen+Madison and Kait+Matt with each duo having a strong link between the four. A group of six formed to counter these four called the "Ridiculous Six" formed by Devon. It is my understanding that Devon was a "pawn" of the four before defecting after they tried to strike at Ian during the duos vote off. Since he felt "used" he defected and wanted to keep the four from keeping control in creating the group.

The four had control of two hangers-on in the form of Timmy and Maynor that they were using for two extra votes. Since they would potentially have the numbers if those two were to vote with them they let loose a "plan" to vote out Devon when in reality telling those two that they would be voting Cullan in case of telegraphing to Devon to play his idol - Cullan actually had an idol and played it and I think it prompted Owen in playing his. To be honest, I think that Owen sent to his tribe chat that he would play his idol IF Cullan had an idol played on him or played one himself. So no votes counted and then we just went with our second choice in Kait to vote out of the game. She left.

--

So the round following the vote seems pretty obvious to me, we need to try and vote out Owen. The group is scared to actually follow through on the vote because they think he will play an idol. I mean, if he does it's another idol burned and makes the vote easier. I know that that means we lose somebody but I dunno, if it were me getting voted out because of it I wouldn't be too pressed getting idoled out. Anyway, Cullan kinda let me know that there's a "secret" other plan to vote out Madison instead since she has a good social game, which I haven't seen. And also Matt is telling people to vote me instead to try and force a tie so that Owen can use his ACTUAL power that we know he has... I dunno man, if we end up voting out Madison instead (because they don't vote Owen) then I might be more flexible in what I do because Owen did that. And if I end up going then woohoo! That makes me 3/3 with getting ninth in a season in a row.

Looks like Devon and I are the middle know. Apparently he wants to get rid of Chips cuz of this hero arc?!?!? Interesting so need to know how he is voting. This is somewhat getting messy between Chips and Owen. Im glad I have immunity.

Ok this vote is SAUCY SAUCY SAUCY! The vote started with me wanting to target Madison as she is a social threat and has connections to maynor who would flip to their side (he already has). Chips became concerned that he wasn't being looped in on the vote so we decided to continue the push towards owen. Matt, madison, and maynor all agreed to vote for Owen but in reality they are voting for chips as that's the most viable option than can convince us to do as he is a "goat". He's a good ally so no way in hell am I voting him out. If owen and the gang survive this vote, they have majority and there will be a clear pecking order especially considering the fact he has a tiebreaker advantage. I feel confident in the five we have to vote for owen

i think im leaving this is all just bad devon apparantly wants chips and it wasd too much to try this forcing a tie shit so now we're just goin with chips which hopefully is enough but someone told cullan it was chips???? lmao so thats fun and i tried convincing cullan to do it but idk this whole thing is kinda fucked up soooo bye bye 

---

i wouldnt be so sad about this if kait were still here but there are literally so many personality-less people left in this game and if they get to the end ill literally die. madison and matt rlly about to be all i have left ro root for this is absolutely TRAGIC. imagine the first boot coming back into the game and getting dragged to the end as a goat fksadjfhjf GOD im so sad rn :((((((((((((((((((((((((((99 I WANTED TO DO SOMETHIN ICONIC IN THIS GAME BUT ALL I DID WAS FORGET TO TALK TO PEOPLE AND COMPLAIN at least ill prob win hq words