#ohhh name harrys spouse

[my-castles-crumbling]

My friends: Ah, yes, Cas would kick ass at Harry Potter trivia. They won't shut up about it!

Me, freaking out, because I can't remember what the fuck is canon, fanon, and just my own little headcanon: 😬

[sab201030]

Unironically I think there is one type of media crazed adult that stands above the rest in terms of stupidity and how much I hate them and think they should kill themselves. The Harry Potter adult. Like. Wow dude you're stupid for realsies. Ur dumb as hell. And I don't just mean the ones with like season passes to Harry Potter park or whatever, like the more "tame" ones, too. The ones with Gryffindor sweaters and Slytherin scarves n shit. The spouse of one of my wife's friends showed us this pillow cover embroidery she was doing with the Slytherin logo and was like "isn't this so cool ??" To two trans women visiting her home. And it's like yea sure embroidery takes time and skill and such but you're putting all that effort into the logo of basically the bad guys from a book series where the author tries to convince you that slavery is cool. And then you're showing this logo, that belongs to a famed tranny hater, to your probably only 2 trans friends and asking what we think and I've gotta politely say ohhh wow so skillful instead of flipping my shit cussing you out and leaving. Haha look at me my favourite book series was written by a woman who has used a eugenicist as her pen name to try and fail to prove a point. No no its cool that your idol wants me dead, and you refuse to acknowledge that let alone analyze it.

[samnatandsteve]

Nat gets Amnesia

 so @mockinghawk-romanogers asked for a fic of this based off a post of mine. it took a lot longer to get to than I planned thanks to university and life, and it’s not really the same as the of post but that’s okay. I like both of them. 

This is the post in question by the way: 

[Steve and the Bucky are in central Asia following a lead on a terrorist organization after Civil War][Nat and Sam are following other leads in central America, Nat got hurt and can't keep things straight in her mind]

Nat : *gets a long and well written love letter from Steve*Nat : awwww

Nat : *writes back* "you have a crush on me? That's embarrassing :P"

[A week later]

Steve : *calls Nat on burner phone only for emergencies* Nat, we're litterly married!

Nat : is that how I got your dog tags with your mom's ring on it?

Steve : yes! Don't you remember?

Nat : not really... did I look nice?

Steve : ....of course you did, can I talk to Sam?

Nat : why?

Steve : I need him to check something for me

Nat : what is it? I can do it

*Sam walks in, sees the phone, panicks, and grabs the phone*

Nat : hey!! What gives?

Sam : *trying to act nonchalant while shooting Nat away* hey man, what's up?

Steve : why doesn't my wife remember she's my wife?

Sam : whaaattttt? that's crazy!

Steve : is Nat hurt?

Sam : Not a cut

Nat : *in the background* tell the pizza man I want extra banana peppers on mine

Sam : *to Nat* sure thing

Steve : Sam what happened?

Sam : what do you mean?

Steve : what happen-

Sam : woops well look at that, times up, got to go! Tasha, say bye

Nat : why do I have to say goodbye to the pizza man?

Sam : because he likes you

Nat : likes likes?Sam : ohhh yeah

Steve : wait a minute Sa-

*Sam hangs up*

I can do the whole pizza man part in another one if you guys want me to. But this is the oneshot I whipped up today because I finally had the time and motivation :) 

-

They were on a mission in Brazil that of course brought them to the Amazon Rainforest and not only there but at a Hydra base right on the banks of the river itself. Hydra and their fucking cliches. Sam and Natasha went down there to do some snooping around - “Recon” as Tasha put it. Which of course quickly turned into “innocent intel gathering” as she put it in the middle of the night. Then one trip wire (fucking cliches) got them into a “good old fashion shoot out” as she so cheekly put it as she put a bullet in a Hydra goon’s head. Which may or may not have made Sam question Steve’s sanity for marrying such a scary woman. And they just in Brazil that morning, barely had any lunch and Sam’s stomach is really pissed at him. 

   But back to the point! Hydra, Amazon River, terrifying  woman for a partner, kicking Hydra goon ass all in the very humid and very yuckie air of the Amazon. Just one other reason to add to the list of “why I hate Jimmy”, Sam should've gone with scissors that last round, at least then he would be in Central  Asia and just  be dealing with the heat. 

They managed to get outside where they could get the upper hand,  mainly thanks to Tasha’s kick ass assassin skills. Now he was providing air support and Redwing was being awesome and finishing up the intel theft. 

So Tasha was on the ground kicking ass like only Sam could dream of doing, Sam was playing snipper and taking out stragglers and thinning them out for Tasha when suddenly Tasha was in the river face down and Sam was fighting to right himself midair with his ears ringing painfully.

Cold sweat ran down Sam’s back as the biting air rushed in his ears and brought tears to his eyes. He’s going to blame it on the wind if any of those Hydra idiots brought it up, because Sam Wilson does not cry for his friends, he was a stone cold certified bad bitch (by Tasha the queen of bad bitches herself) thank you very much. His stomach twists painfully making him want to throw up and he does and it’s just acid and it burns his throat and he hates today. 

In just another example of classical Hydra cliche, they blew up their little super secret base and bebrie hit Tasha, sending her into the river. His mind registers the fact that Redwing’s still connected to the goggles’ computer and online. Sam thanks the beings that be as he takes a swan dive to Tasha. One thing is for sure, Sam thought as he pulled Natasha out of the river, Steve will kill him if he finds out about this. 

“Redwing buddy tell me I didn’t just let cap become a widow.” The electronic drone bird chirps as they run away- make a strategic withdrawal into the night sky to their hotel room. Sam breathed a sigh of relief as her vitals popped up and he saw her steady heart beat. “Thank god! He still can’t know about this though!” Redwing chirps again as Sam readjusts the spy in his arms. “Well if she snitches we just have to go into hiding.” Another chirp. “Can you stop pointing out faults in my plan?” Silence. “Thank you.”  

Natalie grones as the light hits her eyes causing a pounding headache to erupt across her head. “What the fuck happened last night?” Her cold hand helped a bit when she held it against her forehead. A black man walked out of the bathroom with a hesitant smile on his face.

“Heyyy girl, how’re you feeling?” She  grunted in reply and she threw her bare legs over the side of the bed. Pausing, she looked down and raised an eyebrow, she had her underwear and tank top on. 

“Why the hell am I half naked with a hell of a hangover? Did we sleep together? You better have used protection!” She jabed her left index finger at the man who was still standing on the other side of the room by the desk. Her eyes caught the gold of her wedding band. “You better be my husband too, I am no cheat!” The man’s mouth went slack as his eyes went wide. 

“I broke her- Hydra broke her and I let them.” He started to ramble to himself, rubbing his hands over his head. Natalie pauses again, what the hell does a Nazi subdivison have to do with this? 

“I thought Captain America took care of those guys.” The man stopped and she could practically see the dread set in as she watched his back. Something in a bag on his side of the room chirped and he snapped at it to shut up. 

After a slew of questions the man, Sam, tells her she had memory loss and thinks she’s one of her covers for her job; A history teacher named Natalie Rushmen when she was really an intelligence agent named Natasha Rogers. They were on a mission in Brazil when she got hurt and they will not be leaving until she gets her memory because “Your husband will kill me if he finds out about this and as my friend you would be obliged to kill him and the whole thing would go down into history books and I don’t want to be in history books like that.” 

They stared into each other's eyes for a while, sweat running down Sam’s face as a smirk played on Natasha’s. She hummed, putting her head in her hand, finger tapping her chin,  pretending to mull it over. 

“Hmmm? What do you mean hmmm??” 

“He is my husband, and I like to think we-” 

“Then don’t think! Trust me, you love to pull shit over him, it's your favorite pastime!” 

“Okay” She got up and left him to get dressed “But i think my other favorite is to keep you on your toes.” She calls from the other side of the closed bathroom door. He flops onto the bed, rubbing his face. Thank god the mission was originally planned for a week and radio silent. 

_

A day later the front office stopped Natasha and gave her an envelope. Said envelope found its way into her purse quicker than a snitch in those Harry Potter books she was working through for the eleventh time according to Sam.   

 When she found the room to be empty and void of said man, she plopped onto her bed and opened the letter. A love letter from a guy trying to be mysterious by going by S - how sweet! But she was married and the most faithful wife-who-can’t-even-remember-her-spouse’s-face there ever was!  But she wasn’t a mean woman either, plus it was so nicely written, clearly S loved her a lot. And she was going to love breaking that big heart of his, gotta set her foot down. 

 So she got to writing her own letter complete with a lipstick kiss on the letter’s bottom corner next to her N.

“Dear S, 

Fuck you, I’m married. 

With nothing but love, 

      N <3” 

Short and to the point, just how she liked it. Smiling to herself with a bounce in her step, she hands her response to the young girl at the front desk, thanked her and went back into the room to watch some Brazilian dramas. The letter from S tucked away in her bag, she was going to ask Sam about it  later when he got back with dinner. 

But dinner came and went and the letter was left forgotten under one of her bras. That was until two days later when Sam got a call on a flip phone. Well the phone in his bag did and like always he way out, so she did the friendly thing of answering it when she saw the unsaved number thinking it was spam. 

“Hello, this is Cathrine from Bed Baths and Beyond, how can I help you on this wonderful day?” 

The midwestern American accent came easily to her as she played with her hair with the phone held in place with her shoulder and cheek 

“Nat what’s going on?” She doesn’t know how she knows but that was Mysterious Mr. S on the other end of the line. 

“Who the fuck do you take me for mr S?? I am married and I’ll bet twenty bucks you’re not even half the man my husband is!” She fished the letter out of her bag “I mean seriously! ‘Words cannot even begin to describe how beautiful you are, Aphrodite cannot even hope to compare.’ “ She reads the line in a high pitched mocking town. “Did you read that from ‘Pickup lines so used and abused even their mothers won’t recognize them’? I wouldn’t be caught dead with a man who thinks that’s the hot shit.” 

  There was a pause and Natasha had to check that he didn’t hang up. 

“What - I’m your husband! Me! Steve Rogers am your spouse!” 

“Yeah okay buddy nice try.” 

“Where’s Sam?” 

“Who’s Sam?” 

“Natasha please don’t, where’s Sam?” 

“He’s at work, doing accountant stuff with the numbers and shit.” 

“Sam barely passed algebra, he hates math.” 

Just  as about to call him a staker, Sam the man walked in with food. 

“Got you some waffles!” He did his best Donkey impression at the word waffles as he closed the door behind him. When he turned back he dropped the food and basically tackled her like a linebacker or something to get to the phone. - Point is it hurt her bruised and battered body.  “Give that to me woman!” 

“No!” 

“What’s going on with you two??” -Steve 

“Yes!” 

“I don’t wanna!” 

“I’ll buy you ice cream!” 

They pause in their battle for the phone. 

“Chocolate?” 

“I’m not a heathen like your husband.” 

“I heard that!” - Steve 

She let go, hand up and palms out in surrender. Sam put the phone to his ear.

“Heyyy Steve, whatsup man?” Sam shoved his unused hand into his armpit as he started to walk the length of the room. Nodding to the food to tell Natasha to start eating, which she does. So she watched him talk while eating her waffles far more entertained than she would be watching a Brazilan show. 

“Why doesn’t my wife remember me?” 

“You have a wife? Wow, congrats man! Who’s the lucky lady?” 

“The one you let get amnesia apparently.” 

“Amnesia-what?” 

Steve sighed on the other end.

“She hurt in any other way?” 

Sam shared a glance with Natasha who had booth cheeks stuffed with waffles. 

“Not a scratch.” 

“You sit on a throne of lies.” Natasha hisses. “I have three broken ribs Mr. S!” 

“What! Thre-!” Steve is sooo going to kill Sam. 

“Oh wow don’t you look at that! Time’s out, gotta go! Bye Steve!” And with a snap of the phone, the yelling voice of an angry husband is cut off. Sam joined Natasha at the table and started to eat his waffles. 

“Is that really my husband?” She pointed her fork at the phone laying on one of the twin beds. Sam nods as he poured syrup over his waffles. “What was I thinking?” 

“To this day I still can’t figure it out.”