#oh what id give to have hate in my asks from people with the gall to take accountability

[dni-iftherearedogsonyourblog]

you can't pearl-clutch over ""death threats"" of ppl telling you to kys for being transphobic (because *obviously* you can be transphobic even if youre trans yourself, you dumbass) when i literally came to your profile off a comment of you literally telling ppl to die in the comments of a post about dogs. if your dog trigger is so important to you, why do you seek that shit out just to send ""death threats"" to others? jesus, youre dumb.

I didn't call them death threats, I called them suicide threats. While "suicide threats" can be considered a misnomer, death threats are much more serious than what I experienced or claimed to experience. I disagree with your decision call it "pearl clutching" to be upset when told to commit suicide.

I was not transphobic. I said I disliked the use of the term "transandrophobia". I have never, and have no intention to ever make a transphobic statement.

I have occasionally said dogs should die. I do not genuinely wish harm on dogs, but I do harbor a resentment towards them. I have never sincerely said anyone should die. I would definitely not seek out dog posts.

Please don't make rash exaggerations, and then call me dumb over them.

[angrylizardjacket]

runs in the family // charlotte&lola (penny&jupiter)

Summary: Jupiter and Penny somehow find themselves in 1981. What else is there to do but meet their moms at Motley Crue's first gig?

A/N: as always, for @misscharlottelee and eva ill edit this and tag u when I find ur new url. @compositionnotebook 💖 why did I write this? Because I love to suffer. Also as always, unedited.

----

Of course, waking up in a hotel room they don’t remember, with their cousin asleep in the other bed, only to realise that they’re back in LA when they’re meant to be on the other side of the country in the middle of their tour, Jupiter was understandably panicked. They hadn’t been drinking last night, and they’re pretty sure there was no way of them getting across the country without realising, and the idea that something is up is solidified when Penny wakes up and starts panicking too. 

The front desk says they’re paid up for the month; the woman’s hair is sand blonde, feathered and sprayed up to the high heavens, while the uniform she wears is the ugliest shade of green Jupiter’s ever laid eyes on, but the woman has the gall to give Jupiter’s outfit an unimpressed look. They’re all for the current resurgence in 80s fashion trends, but it feels like this woman may have committed too hard to the bit. Jupiter, nonetheless, asks the woman if she remembers how they and Penny had arrived, and the woman actually rolls her eyes and says that she’s not paid to ask nosy questions. 

It takes the cousins a full hour to find out that somehow they’ve landed themselves in 1981, a full day to believe it, and a full week to fully understand what that means. 

“I hate this, I want to do something, go somewhere,” Friday night and Jupiter’s sick to death of no TV and only the radio for entertainment. Whoever had been staying here, whoever’s place they and Penny had taken, had left a wallet with no ID, but an exorbitant amount of cash, and a closet full of clothes in their sizes. It’s eerie as fuck, but the only person who’s come knocking was the housekeeping staff, and Jupiter tells them to go away every time. 

“We are near The Strip in the eighties,” Penny suggests, flicking through a newspaper idly, lounging on the bed, “what if we saw young Guns ‘n’ Roses live, or, oh God, what about Motley, could you imagine?” Penny snorted, and Jupiter’s whole expression wrinkles to something horrified.

“They weren’t around yet, were they? What’s the date?”

“April twenty-fourth,” Penny’s expression sobers considerably from it’s delight, adding, “nineteen eighty-one,” much quieter, “fuck.”

They agree to go out, if only to get out of the room they’d been hiding from the world in, rather terrified to face their reality. There’s hesitation; do they get dressed up? Do they use the makeup sitting neatly on the bathroom counter? It felt safer to try and blend in, but blending in with the 80s nightlife wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world. 

Both have the distinct, horrifying thought of ‘I look like my mother’ when they’re finished, looking in the mirror, all dark makeup and patterned jeans and leather jackets; there’s a leather miniskirt that neither of them touch, not wanting to go too hard on their first night in the apparent real world. There’s a half empty bottle of hairspray on the counter that they both eye dubiously.

“It would be weirder if we didn’t spray up our hair, right?” Penny says, and Jupiter feels distinctly like a teenager, uncertain, awkward, not quite sure of their style, rather than the early-30s successful musician they were. 

It doesn’t end up looking good, at least not to their 2020 sensibilities, but as they make their way down to the street, a woman in leopard print gushes over how good they both look. 

It’s sunset, with people looking just as out there are the out-of-time cousins, band posters and flyers plastered to every wall, every telephone pole, every surface available as they walked the six blocks to The Strip. It takes only the ten minute walk from their shitty little hotel, to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go, for the reality it of it all to settle in Jupiter’s stomach like they’d swallowed ice. More specifically, it takes right up until they’re standing on the corner by the Whiskey, Penelope’s eye caught by one of the flyers on the nearby telephone pole, for Jupiter to think to look across the street at the rundown apartment complex that they realise they already know of. 

They gaze upon the window of one of the apartments on the second floor, with, even at this distance, a visibly fist-sized hole, gaff-taped up through the window. Jupiter knows that window, even as Penelope’s calling their name insistently. 

“It’s April Twenty-Fourth, right?” Penny calls, dubiously, and Jupiter says something about how that’s what she’d said back at the hotel, not paying attention.

“First ever rehearsal we had for the band, I didn’t even see your mom, she was out somewhere, the gym I think, but before she’d gone, she and Nikki had a fight and she put her whole fist through the window; I thought they were the coolest people I’d ever met.”

Tommy’s voice floats through Jupiter’s mind as they finally turn to Penny, to her insistent tone, only to step back, as if burned by the very sight of the Motley Crue poster. Penny was holding one corner in a fist, eyes wide. Tonight. The Starwood. 

“No.” Jupiter didn’t even let her get an word in edgewise, but Penny shook the poster more intently. 

“We have to,” she implored, though Jupiter was now adamantly shaking their head.

“We have to do no such thing,” Jupiter crossed their arms, cocking a hip. Turning their nose in the air at the poster, they accidently catch a glimpse of what they’re pretty sure is their mom’s apartment, and their expression reflexively wrinkles.

“What if my mom’s there?” Penny says quietly, and oh God damn it, there’s no way Jupiter could say no to that. The walk from the Whiskey to the Starwood is a good half an hour, and they’re both just glad to have opted for the flat shoes they’d brought from the future, rather than risked any of the platforms or heels that were lined up neatly at the bottom of the closet they’d raided. There’s a Motley poster ever few feet, and while dread had settled in Jupiter’s stomach, Penny was buzzing beside them nervously.

The Starwood had closed only months after Motley’s first performance, but both Jupiter and Penny had heard their family lovingly reminisce about it, with photos from the night, from nights before and after, so it strangely felt like they’d been there before, looking at the club’s name up in shining lights, Motley Crue headlining the night just below. 

“Isn’t that the guy from Rock Candy?” There’s two dudes a few feet away, squinting at another poster for the band, then looking up to the sign, both of them in leather jackets and flared jeans. 

“Dude, fuck, that’s the guy from London, last gig he played, he broke the singer’s jaw!” The second dude, delights, already tugging his friend towards the club where people were already filtering in.

“No man, their roadie broke the singer’s nose after he knocked out two of the bass player’s teeth on stage -”

It was so strange to hear misinformation spread so casually about people both Jupiter and Penny knew so well; they’d both heard the story of the night Tommy and Charlotte had met Nikki and Lola, how London had a small fight on stage that ended up giving Nikki a bloody nose, and how Lola had knocked out two of the singer’s teeth the in alley behind the bar after the gig. But here, now, it was like it’s own kind of folklore. 

They follow the men inside. 

No-one check their IDs, thank God, their own wallets hadn’t travelled back in time with them. The bouncer lets them pass without issue, and Jupiter is strangely reminded of their age as they see the people around them, a majority in their early to mid-20s, all looking right at home in leather and black denim. It’s still fairly quiet, the stage looking only half set up with a few clusters of people milling around the bar. There’s two people on the stage, setting it up, but with their backs turned, but they’re not exactly recognisable, long blonde hair and dark hair respectively, though the dark-haired one is in a distinctively spiked jacket. Closer to them, however is, a pretty red-head sat at the end, all tight clothes and effortless elegance, one leg crossed over the other where she was lounging against the bar on her barstool, a beer in one hand. Something about her is so familiar.

Jupiter and Penny carefully sit themselves by the bar too, a few seats away from the red-head, looking around but not quite processing it all. They’re at Motley Crue’s first show. 

Jupiter’s squinting at the row of drinks behind the bar, trying to decide what to order, when Penny grabs their hand so hard it hurts. Before they can turn back, however, they hear a voice they’ve only ever heard recordings of.

“Aw, Eileen, so nice of you to get me a drink,” Charlotte Lee’s tone was all teasing and light as she took the bottle out of the redhead - Eileen’s - hand, taking a sip as Eileen herself rolled her eyes.

“Lola is a terrible influence on you,” Eileen said flatly. Penny’s nails were digging into Jupiter’s forearm. Charlotte hands the drink back with a fond twinkle in her eyes.

“Lola hasn’t paid for a drink in her life, so I happen to think she’s a great influence-”

“She only drinks for free because she’s blackmailing half the bartenders in town,” the bartender himself piped up, cracking open a beer and handing it over to Charlotte without her even having to ask, flashing a grin that’s all teeth, “you ladies drink for free because I like making pretty girls smile.”

“Ricky, you’re the one who keeps hitting on her,” Charlotte points out, and his expression falls almost comically fast; “you keep taking her back to your place.”

“Only ‘cos she lives with Nikki and I don’t feel like being fucking stabbed in my sleep,” Ricky counters, pouting and flustered, his arms crossed over his chest. 

“That’s definitely fair, but it’s not Lola’s fault you’re embarrassed about having a nun fetish,” Eileen’s tone is unbothered in the fact of Ricky’s embarrassment, though her lips twitch in the barest amuse smile as she adds, “Father Richard,” and Ricky turns scarlet as Charlotte spits half her mouthful of beer as a laugh escapes her. 

Jupiter can feel their heart beat in their throw. This is so real, what the fuck. 

“Can we help you?” And then Eileen’s looking directly at Penny and Jupiter, who realise that they’re staring at the women by the bar, eyes wide like they’d seen a ghost. Ha. She’s got a single, perfect eyebrow raised, shifting in a way that’s barely noticible, but so clearly confrontational, like a cat’s fur raising even when a cat doesn’t move. 

“Charlotte Lee,” there’s a wobble in Penny’s voice when she finally speaks, and Jupiter can feel the way her hand’s trembling, “that makes... that makes you Eileen -” and she swallows hard, editing the last name she knows so well for the one that Eileen would have had in 1981, “Austen.” 

Charlotte and Eileen share a look, and then look back to Penelope. 

“Wait right here,” Charlotte sounds delighted, actually addressing Penny with a hand out.

“How do you guys know who we are?” Eileen asks, as Charlotte takes off towards the stage. Penny moves instinctively to follow her, but Jupiter holds her in place. There’s something in the evaluative look she gives them, lip curling just a little, on edge at being stared at by two strangers who must be roughly a decade older than them, who seem to already know them. “Are you friends of Lola’s?” She asks dubiously, and Jupiter is fighting the urge to run.

“Our little brother went to high school with you both,” Penny blurts out, “he was in the year above you,” but something seems to ease about Eileen’s posture as Penny tells her the exact school, and the year she and Charlotte would have graduated. It’s too specific for Eileen to think they’re lying, and for that both Jupiter and Penny are glad.

For all that Penny is Charlotte and Razzle's daughter, she was still raised, at least in part, by Lola, arguably the best liar of her generation. All the various Lee-Dingley-Sixx children had some innate ability to convincingly lie through their teeth, and though it didn't come in handy for Penny nearly as much as it seemingly did Jupiter, she was never more grateful for that skill than she was now.

“False alarm, Charlie, their brother went to school with us,” Eileen calls out, just as Charlotte is returning, dragging a dark haired woman both Jupiter and Penny knew far too well.

Seeing Charlotte at first had been so overwhelming that they hadn’t really processed what she’d looked like, but now, standing next to who could only be Lola, in 1981, it hit Jupiter just how young they both were. 

Lola’s still shorter than her own child, but taller than Jupiter remembers her ever being, curtesy of her intimidating platform boots, leather and buckles and spikes, a good match for her spiked leather jacket and studded bralette. She’s all sprayed up hair, larger than life, dark eyeshadow, and fishnets, somehow wearing so much and not at all at the same time. 

Beside her, Charlotte is only a few inches shorter, hair just as high, still with dark makeup, looking like a beautiful middle ground between Lola’s intimidating intensity and Eileen’s high glamour. In flashy denim pants and an artfully ripped, hand painted Motley Crue shirt, Charlotte’s the picture of the eighties, as beautiful and bright as any photo or recording Penny and Jupiter had ever seen. 

Charlotte’s expression falls with disappointment, but before she can speak -

“You’re twenty-two!” Jupiter hears themselves say, and Lola looks directly at them, lip curling. Jupiter’s blood runs ice cold. 

“What?” The single word is so derisive in a voice that Jupiter has never known to be cold, and before anyone else can speak, Lola looks to Charlotte, eyebrow raised. When she crosses her arms over her chest, even the leather jacket can’t completely hide how well muscled her arms are, “Charlie, I love you but I don’t give a shit about two old broads whose brother you knew, we gotta finish setting up.” It hurt like a physical ache, somewhere behind Jupiter’s sternum, each word somehow hurting more than the last.

“Don’t be rude,” Charlotte told her, elbowing her in the ribs, smiling even so.

“I don’t even know my fucking age - who are you?” Lola’s undeterred, on hand holding a roll of gaff tape in a white-knuckled grip, while the other had curled into a fist, weight shifting from one foot to the other in agitation. Okay, that’s very fair, Jupiter regrets ever opening their mouth. Fuck. 

“You don’t know how old you are?” Charlotte asks, disbelieving, breaking the tension, and Lola looks back at her, face scrunching up as the tension drops from her shoulders.

“Why would I know my age?”

“Because that’s a very weird thing not to know!” Charlotte exclaimed in disbelief, eyes wide. Jupiter, on the other hand, wracked their brains for any scrap of knowledge they’d heard about their mother’s past and actually retained.

“Sorry, we know we’re being weird,” eyes closed, they took a deep breath, trying to sort out their thoughts, “our brother Leo went to school with Charlotte and Eileen, but we... talked to a band you roadied for, and they told us roughly how old you were, but you look,” Jupiter pauses, cracking open their eyes, only to see the way Lola's expression had softened upon hearing the name Leo - oh fuck, she doesn't even know the truth about her own dad yet! -“younger than I expected.”

“I’m used to Lola being recognised around here, just got my hopes up that it was my turn,” Charlotte admits with the faintest embarrassment, picking her drink up from the bar and taking a sip. 

“One day soon, Charlie, if the boys take off, we’ll be right beside ‘em; everyone in LA will know your name,” the way Lola says it is strangely wry, like she’s self aware of the fact that her own name is out there for some less than reputable reasons, or like she isn’t fully convinced that Motley Crue would be the runaway success they all hoped.

Jupiter and Penny share a look, pained by the dramatic irony the three women across from them couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

It takes a moment, and Lola is definitely still a bit wary, but then it passes, and Lola looks to the stage again, still clearly addressing Charlotte.

"If you wanna help me with the last bit, I just need to do a sound check.” And with that, she was off, and Jupiter lets out a breath that hadn’t realised they’d been holding. Penny is still staring at Charlotte, who's rocking back on her heel as she has another drink, contemplating going after Lola, but also intrigued but the two interlopers enough to stay.

Eileen asks their names.

Penny and Jupiter share a panicked look, because they can't just tell the truth, it would make things weird in the future! What if they end up in the present named something entirely new!? They hadn't even begun to consider the butterfly effect of their being here.

"Lisa?" Jupiter says finally, picking a name they'd used in the past, but not for long, a nickname derived from their birth name in honour of their grandmother. Eileen looks wildly unconvinced, but Charlotte, bright and kind and perfect and alive, tells them its pretty. Penny is struggling to come up with an alternative, before conceding that her nickname is probably common enough that it wouldn't really matter.

"Penny's such a pretty name," Charlotte beams, and tells them its lovely to meet them, and Jupiter rests a gentle hand on their cousin's back, a silent reminder to keep breathing, as Charlotte trots off to help Lola with the last of the sound check.

Jupiter orders them both several drinks.

They end up sitting at the other end of the bar, away from the spot Eileen has clearly claimed for herself and Motley Crue's glorified roadies. Penny is quietly trying not to hyperventilate every time she thinks too hard about what's happening, and made a muffled scream upon hearing Charlotte laugh at one of Lola's jokes.

"I've died, Jup, we've died and this is the afterlife because that is my fucking mother, and she's alive, and she's twenty-one goddamn years old. She is a child. Our mothers are children. What the fuck?!" Penny hissed, and took another sip of her drink. Jup was watching Lola, so young and confident and mean as all hell, a defensive mechanism that's only made apparent to be such because Jupiter's known her longer than this version of Lola's been alive. But she smiles around Charlotte and Eileen in a way Jupiter's never seen her smile before, something grateful and adoring at the corners of her lips, an unfamiliar kind of softness in her eyes for just the barest moment.

Lola smiles like she feels lucky to be here, to be around these women, to call them friends. Here and now it hits Jupiter hard, that even decades later, their mother never fully recovered from losing Charlotte.

"We're not dead," Jupiter tells their cousin softly, and they both watch Lola and Charlotte head back to the green room before the band begins.

"But I- how, explain then, how can I go over there and touch her? She's real, Jup, really real, my mother, Charlotte Lee."

"I can't explain it, it just is," Jupiter muses, and finishes of their next drink as Lola and Charlotte reappear, followed by the band, all looking far too young and overeager, and Jupiter's heart is beating in their throat as Tommy Lee beams and waves to the crowd. They're going to be sick. Or maybe cry. Or maybe have a full panic attack right here by the bar. Fucking hell he's even more of a child than Charlotte, only twenty, and just as bright and excitable as they've known him to be, possibly moreso.

The audience seems underwhelmed, not sure what to make of these boys with their leather and hairspray and nervous excitement; Vince introduces them to the quiet bar with a yell, and Jupiter kind of hates that their future step-dad is giving them gender envy.

And then Tommy knocks over his cymbal after showing off with his drumsticks, and Jupiter bursts into tears.

They're furious at themselves for crying, hand pressed to their mouth for fear of anyone hearing if they would sob, brow furrowed into a scowl, other hand messily wiping at their eyes as they mouth defiant swears against their palm. People are jeering and booing, and out of the corner of their eye, Jupiter sees Charlotte actively holding Lola back, and something deep inside their heart knows that if there wasn't stupid fucking tears in their eyes, they'd be just as ready to defend the band's honour as their mom is.

"Oh, he's always been like this-" Penny's voice is softly adoring as she watches the man who will one day be her uncle and adopted father, before she looks to Jupiter, sees them overwhelmed with it all, and mad at themselves for feeling that, and she laughs, gentle and kind and understanding, and wraps Jupiter up in a hug. Its grounding. Even as Jupiter sulkily tells her to fuck off, they wrap an arm around Penny's shoulders and press their face into her hair.

"He looks like you," Penny murmurs as the first song starts, despite the negativity still pouring from the crowd. Jupiter wrinkles their nose, but can't help but smile. Tommy looks incredibly cool tonight, and it's true that Jupiter had inherited a lot of physical characteristics from their father.

Everyone in the bar hears the jeering way a dude in the audience asks about the 'chick singer', and for a moment, the children unwittingly mirror their mothers as Penny's grip on Jupiter tightens, anticipating when they go to lunge for the stage in outrage, but the moment the guy spits on Vince, across the bar Charlotte let's go of Lola, setting her loose on the vitriolic patrons.

Penny and Jupiter knew Motley's first gig started with a fight, but it was another thing to witness it.

Tommy leaps into the crowd, delighted by the carnage that Nikki and Vince are already taking part in, and Lola’s already knocked a guy flat on his ass. Surprisingly, Charlotte lobs her half-empty bottle at the guy who had spat at Vince, not taking direct part, but not abstaining either, cackling when it shatters against him and he's looking around, angry and confused, and Eileen says her name with a tone thats both scandalised and impressed.

In the end, by the time the bouncers step in, all that's left is Tommy absolutely wailing on a dude, and much to everyone's surprise, most of all her child's, little Lola Gone wraps her arms around Tommy's chest, cops a full elbow to the face, and still hauls him up and off his victim like he weighs nothing, even as he's thrashing and swearing and telling her to go fuck herself before realising who it is. When she puts him down, she snarls something at him, and shoves him towards the stage.

By the bar, Jupiter's mouth is agape, while Penny is trying to hold in her laughter, both of them realising just how terrifyingly similar to their father Jupiter actually is. And that at Twenty-Two, Lola is built like a tank.

The things you never truly understand about your parents because you always think of them as your parents is wild.

But above all, in the wake of the small riot, Jupiter and Penny can only feel a strange and overwhelming pride, seeing how eagerly they'd all defended each other.

"Fuck yeah, Motley Crue!" Leaves Penny's lips, delighted, at the top of her lungs, and suddenly the eyes of everyone in the bar, and more importantly, the people these two time travelling cousins will call family, forty years from now, fall on them. Grateful. Beaming. Then, laughter; Charlotte’s.

"Fuck yeah!" She echoes her daughter, and a cheer rises around the bar as the band begins playing again, energy revitalised. Charlotte beams at them, sharing in the moment, waving them both over eagerly as the bartender begrudgingly hands over a stack of napkins, while Lola's got her head tipped back, arguing with Eileen as to whether or not her nose is broken as it bleeds profusely.

Even at their first gig, Take Me To The Top sounds good, sounds like it should, all rough and energetic, and Jupiter knows how strange it would be to sing along at the band's first fucking gig, but the song, even now, feels like home.

"Lola, you're a danger to yourself and others," Eileen smirked, "and you're a terrible influence on Charlie."

"Thank you," Lola grins, right as Charlotte tries to deny it, which devolves into Eileen pointing out that Charlotte had lobbed her bottle at one of the offenders, which delighted Lola to no end.

"Don't know if you would know this, not sure how much your brother would have said," Charlotte says, grinning at Jupiter and Penny, "but my cousin, Tommy, he's the one on drums," she says, oozing pride. Jupiter and Penny both bite back on their instinctual responses, but still the surprise reads on their face.

"The one who did this to me," Lola's beaming despite looking a little like a horror movie, sounding only proud.

"He's certainly energetic," Penny says, finally, before letting herself breathe, watching the band for the moment, "they're really good," like she can't quite believe this is all real, still, "they have no idea how huge they're gonna be," the words slip out quite by accident, and both Jup and Penny share a panicked look, but the words don't get the reaction they expected.

"I knew I liked you," Charlotte's grin is sharp and pleased, and before Penny can protest, Charlotte's thrown an arm around her shoulders, "you've got taste." And that's enough incentive for Charlotte to shout both Jup and Penny a drink, oblivious to the way Penny freezes, like a deer in the headlights. Her mother's arm is around her without her mom even knowing how much this means. She looks like she's about to cry.

"Its really good to meet you, Charlie," Penny's voice is strangely hoarse, strangely honest in ways Charlotte can't even begin to understand, and Charlotte gives Penny's shoulder a squeeze.

"You too, Penny, and you, Lisa," she adds, grinning up at Jupiter for a moment, "anyone who thinks good things about my reckless dumbass of a cousin and his band is good in my books." She's so effortlessly earnest and endearing, exactly as everyone had described her, able to make friends wherever she went. Penny tentatively thanks Charlotte when she hands her a drink, and wraps an arm around Charlotte's waist when the younger blonde seemed content with an arm around Penny's shoulders.

"I can't believe you two are the only other assholes with taste," Lola smirks, holding a napkin to her nose.

"Get bent," Jupiter fires off automatically at the vaguely derisive tone, and Lola flips them off while Charlotte shoves her in the ribs. This moment, in its own weird little way, makes sense.

[runningwolf62]

SURPRISE IT’S UPDATE TIME! It’s so bizarre being writing this at the same time Larry is because there’s like this weird overlap, we’re like ships passing in the night he’s finally caught up to my time and now is about to pass me.

Anyway, there’s some lovely art in here and a reference to a blog that actually exists, @ask-potoo-firestar. Art belongs to @lavendersongs, thank you for your amazing contribution to the Warrior Cats fandom and for giving me permission to include references to it in this fanfic.

Beep.

Larry curls up deeper under his blankets.

Beep.

He covers his head with his pillow.

Beep.

Fine, he’ll crawl out of his nest and see what had happened, maybe Nick was in trouble again, that Godot guy seemed to have a grudge against him for something.

u ok?

Only Nick texts like that.

haven’t seen u in few days

u alive?

Larry almost fires something back before thinking better of it, Nick had far too many people around him die to joke about that.

Yeah I’m fine, and you usually don’t see me for awhile.

yeah but u had a rough time

Larry hesitates before deciding to just call Nick. The phone rings a few times before Nick answers.

“Hey Larry,” he greets him, Larry can hear voices in the background, he thinks one is Maya, the other is young and high so probably Pearl.

“Hey Nick,” Larry runs a hand over his jaw, aw gross he’d ended up with that scraggly beard, he never looked good with that, he needed to go shave, “you in a crisis?”

“No?” Nick has the gall to sound offended, “I do not only call you during crisises!”

“Mmm might wanna check you phone bill there Nicky Boy,” Larry teases him, his voice is rough, he should haul himself out of bed and start putting himself back together.

“You want to talk about having a crisis you sound like you’ve been on a bender,” Nick fires back, Larry frowned and groused at him.

“Don’t be an ass Nick, I’ve been taking a week off, chilling and relaxing before I remake myself! You called while I’m still in the cocoon man!”

“That metaphor started strong but you took it somewhere very weird,” Nick replies, Larry laughs roughly.

“Alright, alright, you’re the one who texted me,” Larry points out, wrapping his blanket around him like a cloak to hide his shame from the world and stay warm from the chillier October day. He crossed to his laptop to open his resume, he’d need to update it and he might as well do that while chatting with Nick rather than sit around feeling shitty about it.

He chats with Nick, and Maya and Pearl when they demand a chance to chat with him. He interrogate Nick, or tries, but he doesn’t know what’s up with Godot either, other than he’s got one hell of a caffeine addiction, came out of nowhere and claims to be from hell.

Given half the stories Larry’s heard about Nick’s cases he’s tempted to believe it.

“Maybe you ought to have an exorcism performed,” he teases, he’s on speaker phone now and he’s sure they can hear him typing away as he adds his latest job to the long master list of jobs he’s held, “Maya, Pearl, can you do that?”

“I’d have to exorcise the entire Prosocution’s office!” Maya bemoans, Larry grins as she outlines everything she’d need to do to Nick.

“Maybe you should, it sounds like it has a few too many demons over there even before this guy,” Larry muses, saving his resume and opening Fanfiction.net. His stomach drops and his jokes trail off. There’s several messages from XxWolfDragonxX. Shit, he’d just dropped off the map after talking to the guy daily.

He immediately types a response, assuring the guy some stuff just came up, he got fired from work, etc. but he’s doing alright. He misses a question Nick asked him until he repeats his name.

“Larry.”

“Sorry, what?” He tosses the message to WolfDragon off, his friend is probably off work it’s well after six for him.

“I asked what were you typing?”

Larry glances at his messages and then at his minimized programs. “My resume.”

He refreshed FF.net and got a message from WolfDragon.

Man it’s fine, life happens! It’s just good to hear from you again. I’m sorry for all the shit that keeps happening to you.

Again I’m so sorry, and yeah, it’s just been that kind of year.

Do you have a discord? I have something to show you but I don’t think ff.net will send it.

Oh? Uh yeah actually, one second let me find my ID number.

It takes him longer than he should be tosses the information to Wolfdragon. After a moment he gets a friend request on Discord, from a XxWolfDrgonxX surprising absolutely no one. The avatar is a gray anime wolf with yellow eyes snarling, which also doesn’t surprise Larry though he wonders where it’s from.

However he’s still on the phone with Nick, so he accepts it and turns away from the computer, “so what are you all up to asides from calling me?” He hears Pearl giggle and Maya’s voice in the background, they’re moving away, “how are they Nick?”

“They’re good,” Nick sounds happy and Larry can’t help but hurt even as he’s happy for him.

“We’re probably going to do a few things today before they have to head back,” Nick’s chair creaks audibly, “do you have plans for Halloween?”

“Uh, not really?”

“Do you want to come over to the office and hand out candy with me?”

“People come to your office for candy?”

“Surprisingly yes,” Nick sounds equally baffled by this fact, “so, are you in?”

“Do you want me to bring anything?” Larry asks, glancing at his Discord occasionally, where he can see WolfDragon typing. “Beer, Soda, popcorn and terrible horror movies?”

“Popcorn and let’s go with lighthearted movies,” Nick suggests, and Larry wonders if Pearl will be there. He’ll bring soda then, just in case. That or Nick’s gotten to be more of a scaredy-cat since their last Halloween movie festival.

“Have you seen that one cartoon thing that everyone raves about?” Larry’s seen so much art for it for Inktober so he needs to actually sit down and watch the show obviously is what that means.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Okay, I’ll find it, it’s some kids show but everyone who’s seen it loved it,” Larry sends a quick message to WolfDragon while Nick talks.

You sure are dedicated to your brand.

It’s who I am

Furry.

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS THAT?!?

That’s Potoo Firestar you fool

I want to hate it but I’m laughing too hard, it’s amazing.

“Larry are you okay?” Nick asks, and Larry can’t answer, he’s wheezing at the damn Potoo Firestar, he cannot believe WolfDragon got his discord just to send him this, and that it’s somehow made him feel so much better.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” he wheezes, and clicks the link that WolfDragon sends him to this person’s blog, “just saw something funny.”

He hops off the phone with Nick promising to see him on Halloween and bring candy and popcorn and the cartoon he’s seen everyone drawing if he could just remember the name.

He spends the next hour teasing WolfDragon on Discord for his avatar and username, all the while scrolling through this blog, which WolfDragon has dubbed “the only pure Warrior Cats blog”.

It doesn’t take long for him to agree though he does have a few questions.

So I miss all the discourse but I also miss blogs like this?

Listen man, some people are still stuck in the can cats be gay discourse?

Seriously?

Yeah, like sure the Erins just made a mistake making some tortoiseshell cats toms. OR they made several trans icons.

I can’t believe Tigerstar was transphobic.

Firestar made the first call out post

“OP is literally a Transphobe and murderer but go off I guess.”

Scourge: *goes the fuck off *

Listen, he wear dog teeth on his collar he can do what he likes, I’m not gonna be the guy to try and stop him.

Oh you do know they made Scourge and Firestar half-brothers right?

THEY WHAT

Yeah they have the same Dad

Oh shit I’d heard that theory but I thought it was just a fan theory

Nah they confirmed it. Also Tallstar was super gay for him

Like canonly gay or the fandom has shipping goggles glued on

Like so canonly gay that the publisher calls them good friends

What?

One of the authors says Tallstar’s heart always belonged to his Jake, but the publishers say they’re just good friends

What’s better than this, guys being dudes.

You’d probably like Tallstar’s Revenge actually, there’s a lot of your fic in it

Seriously?

Yeah man, like leaving the Clans to discover yourself the themes of forgiveness and parents and family there’s a lot of good stuff in there

I guess I’ll have to read it then.

Yeah, that blog I linked you even did fanart of Jake and Tallstar

Oh my god.

Did you find it?

Not yet, but I’m looking.

FOUND IT!

THAT’S IT

Okay that is gay.

Much like my fic.

Now I gotta man.

He did just lose his job but Larry’s got some money saved from his last paycheck and the commissions. What the hell. He makes a note to buy Tallstar’s Revenge next time he’s at the book store, and gets up.

Thanks for this.

Of course!

Is this the best way to contact you, or should I howl out the window?

Haha

FF.net or Discord works I’ll probably review your fics on FF.net still but we can chat here

Larry grins and tells him he hopes he has a good evening. He needs to clean himself up and try and rejoin society.

He showers, shaves, and pulls himself together. He also draws Wolf as a Potoo and sends that back to WolfDragon which is obviously loved, if the fact he turns his avatar into it was any indication.

-

Larry spends Halloween crashing on Nick’s couch, Maya and Nick fighting over candy while he snags some and occasionally slips a piece or two to Pearl. The kid’s clever and smiles shyly at him every time he does so.

They do settle down to watch the cartoon though Maya grumbles at points about how she wanted to watch the Steel Samurai Halloween Special.

They enjoy Over the Garden Wall though, even if it sends the girls diving to hide behind Nick at one point from the Beast. He lets Nick comfort, while he cleans up some of the trash into the popcorn bowl which he sets to the side, making sure it will not be grabbed by mistake by someone hurrying to give candy to trick-or-treaters.

He’s honestly astonished at the number that turn up at the office, until Nick says he thinks Mia used to hand the candy out, which makes sense. It’s tradition now. And Nick must’ve gotten paid because he’s got the good candy and he’s letting kids take handfuls.

He doesn’t touch that stuff only the bag Nick bought for them to share and the stuff he traded Pearl for because she didn’t like nuts in her candy. Said they got stuck in her teeth which Larry felt was a valid reason to not like them.

He tells himself that means they have protein as he pops a handful in his mouth. While Nick’s busy with some teens at the door and Maya’s tucking Pearl in on the couch he sends a message to WolfDragon.

Happy Halloween.

Technically it’s November, and I didn’t grow up in America

Spoilsport.

WHY ARE YOU AWAKE?

Work

Work can suck my dick, it’s what- oh

It’s six in the morning

You’re going to work

Yup

Listen, I don’t need your sass

It’s not sass I just woke up Writer boy

Don’t you sass Wolfman

Tell me you at least watched terrible werewolf movies in my honor

I did not.

Watched kids cartoons instead.

Warrior Cats Authors

There was an actual child in the room!

Ah what’s being introduced to fear at a young age?

Trauma I believe, and the kid’s had enough of that

You’re a good guy you know that, don’t let people tell you otherwise

“Texting a girlfriend?” Maya’s teasing voice made him jump, she wasn’t peering over his shoulder yet but she might’ve been. She might’ve seen the teasing and… no, she was looking at his face.

“Nah, just a friend,” he shoves his phone back into his pocket, she and Nick are both staring at him intensely now, he’s not sure why but they are.

He swears he sees Nick counting to three but he’s not sure why that happens either. He and Maya share a look, and Larry feels himself tense more.

He looks to Nick, whose eyes pierce him as he looks at Larry, “I thought you said you were taking a break from dating.”

“I am!” Larry insists, careful to keep his voice low, glancing to Pearl because however much they want to interrogate him he knows they’ll kill him if he wakes her.

Nick and Maya look confused again but it’s not his fault they can’t accept that he’s just friends with some people. He’s not even into guys anyway!

He shakes his head and grins at them, ��glad to hear you think I have that much game though Nick.”

Maya smothers a laugh, while the edge flows out of Nick’s eyes and a smile takes its place, “you keep getting girls to date you somehow.”

“It’s that I have an artist’s soul,” Larry pulls himself up and rests his hand over his chest, grinning at the two of them.

“I went to art school too you know,” Nick points out, relaxing and smiling.

“And who taught you all those tricks for backgrounds?” Larry fires back, he’s always been the better artist for backgrounds and forms, Nick just had more practice with human anatomy. Nick huffs and shakes his head.

“I showed you how to draw men’s jawlines, ‘cause you only paid attention when the model was female-”

“Nick I’ve accepted my heterosexuality and horndog ways will be my downfall,” he fires back which obviously takes his friend by surprise, Maya too, “hey, I can have some self-awareness you know.” He glances over at Maya, “Nick, Edgey and I are allowed the common sense of one person but we have to share and Edgey came back and took it all from Nick.”

“Excuse me?” Nick looks so genuinely offended and Larry laughs, shoulders shaking.

“You took some back, TSA wouldn’t let him take it all with him.”

Maya’s grinning and apparently not taking sides as he and Nick begin to playfully jab at each other about who has more common sense, and it’s nice to be able to talk about Edgey again without Nick’s anger, to have him laugh as he talks and recounts stories from elementary school to Maya is worth the few bits of his dirty laundry that Nick airs.

They end up on the other couch, Maya curled up on Nick’s one side, Larry on the other; with jackets draped over themselves as make shift blankets.

“Larry?”

“Yeah Nick?”

“Who were you texting earlier,” Nick’s not judgmental now but he is obviously curious, maybe hoping that in his exhaustion Larry will let something slip.

And he does.

“He’s a guy I met online, we talk about like books and stuff. You wouldn’t understand, you nerdy lawyer.”

Nick laughs softly as Larry slumps against him, “that so?”

“It is,” Larry lays his head back against Nick’s shoulder, “very so.”

-

They wake up in various states of aching and trying to hide it, all of them trying to deny they’re getting old while Pearl buzzes around the office. Larry wonders briefly if she’s gotten into the Halloween candy for breakfast.

He checks his phone and there’s a few messages from WolfDragon.

You still there?

Don’t eat too much candy, aren’t you doing NaNoWriMo this year?

Larry only barely manages not to curse in front of Pearl as he realizes that he’s going to have to write his first 1667 words with one hell of a crick in his neck.

[neshatriumphs]

(R)Evolution 01: What You Know Is Right

A city. A mood. An atmosphere. She wished that there was at least some uncertainty that it was good or bad, instead of the knowing dread that it was bad - not all bad, but mostly. None of these people had good intentions. She could tell. She always just knew. As her dark brown fingers fiddled with the spade symbol pendant on her necklace, she bundled up, wondering what in the world was wrong with this weather? Honestly, she should go back home, right now, as the dread was growing, almost exponentially, like a seen danger impending, but she didn’t see anything. Her breathing became heavy and she shut her eyes long enough to try to either calm herself or accept whatever this fate she feared was.

“Ouch!” she hissed. Her eyes flew open and she held her neck. Was that a mosquito? That stung a bit much for one of their bites and wasn’t it too cold for mosquitoes to be out, anyway? She continued to walk, nervously, and now light headed. “What the fuuu…?”

She collapsed and fell onto someone and heard a man’s voice say, “There, there, princess. You’ll be alright.” How did he know that I’m called a princess? She wondered, as she fell unconscious, not too far away, if she could have seen - from a community bulletin board with numerous missing persons attached to it.

♡

Six years in prison hadn’t been the terror that she would have imagined. Embezzlement, fraud, and robbery - for the things that she needed in order to survive in a world, in a country that felt like it was constantly trying to destroy her. Okay, so perhaps she was melodramatic  about her plight, but she robbed the rich. It wasn’t like she kept babies from their mom’s breast. Her targets were richer than anybody should even be allowed to be, hence the reason  why she wound up getting in trouble when she got caught.

As she was prepped for her release, the president was on the tv in the background, “America has evolved and is constantly evolving. We will only continue to flourish, because we are a nation of survivors. We are a nation of the fittest. We’re resilient. We’re resourceful. We continue to rise…”

“Evolving,” she repeated and rolled her eyes as she was handed her belongings. Her ride was waiting for her outside and she immediately went to sleep in the jeep.

♡

Folami had a job waiting for her as an analyst in a laboratory, and was under strict supervision with no access to anything connected to the funds. It had been a generous set up for her, and she was grateful to be able to easily return to some degree of normalcy. Of course, in a lot of ways, she would never be normal again, but at least she had a good job that made her great money. “I don’t understand what my exact purpose is here,” she admitted to her supervisor. “My credentials say “analyst,” but I’ve mostly been taking notes and watching interviews. Is that what I should be doing, or…?”

“If you go into the company’s intranet system and view the job description for analyst, you should understand better. If you can’t, then we can have a discussion about your future here.”

Whenever he left the room, a girl in the room asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” She turned around suddenly to give her a look for the gall. “I’m just throwing it out there, that if you do, they hire you because they know that a lot of people won’t. They pay you well to do trivial things, and if need be ever arises,” she whispered, “To be an alibi or witness.” The girl was cleaning up as she said, in her regular voice, “It’s a shady place, but to wipe a few counters, throw out some trash and dust mop… I probably get paid what you get paid to grab coffee and read unimportant emails.” Folami couldn’t be insulted. But, she was curious.

“Analyst!” Somebody called and she reflexively turned around. They handed her a box and said, “Document these items, bag separately and store the box.”

“Done,” she said.

She put on her gloves, reached into the box and began to record herself bagging the items, as the computer typed up her report. “One pair of black cashmere gloves, one black fur shawl, one pair of thigh high black boots, one… necklace… with a card symbol on it.” She paused the recording to look up the symbol, then resumed, “A spade.” She boxed put the items into a new box, one of the ones that they used for filing away the test subjects things, as they were in testing, printed out a label for the post it note that had been put onto the former box Princess of Spades, and put it on the shelf for P’s.

♡

Walking to the subway, Folami passed by the missing persons bulletin every night. It wasn’t too far from the lab and almost right at the stairwell. She reflexively looked at it, all the time. Just, because she felt bad for all of those people. So many were missing, and the number seemed to grow everyday. Her view automatically zoomed in on the missing black faces that she saw, the women in particular. She shivered, shook her head and fought back tears. Nobody even seemed to be looking for those people. In fact, most people seemed to try to avoid even looking at the board, much less for the people posted on it. Damn, she hated this world.

♡

“Analyst!” She sighed, but forced a smile and went to the counter. “New admission. Key in the information.”

“Please,” she added for the admissions technician.

He gave her a look and corrected her, “Now.” Folami snatched the clipboard and the admissions tech left the woman at the counter to go gather some materials.

“Well, somebody was having a bad day, huh?” she asked.

Folami shook her head and commented, “Girl, they’re always like this. I get that they work really hard on, I don’t even know diseases or cures or something, but I leave my house black everyday, so they can calm down.” She checked the paperwork, “Dahlia. Oh, that’s pretty.”

“Girl, it’s a flower. My mama didn’t even know when she named me that. She’d just heard the word and thought it sounded pretty.”

“She was right,” Folami said and continued typing in the information. After she printed out an ID for her, she smiled, handed it over and said, “Good luck, Dahlia.”

“Thank you. Hopefully, they’ll figure out what to do about my condition.” She smiled gratefully and returned to the seat to wait for the team to come retrieve her. Folami went back to her shredding party of blacked out pages, with the TV on in the background. “Lord, I hope that they find that sista,” Dahlia commented. Folami looked up and saw the face of a woman, probably around her own age, with similar markers - dark skinned (though a few shades darker), dark eyes, long hair, thin, but with fuller lips, smiling from a photograph. Who is she? She turned it up.

“Daughter of political activist, Tejumola Uchechukwu, the recent college graduate was scheduled to meet with her father and some business partners about a possible future assignment, but never showed…”

Tejumola Uchechukwu, a man who Folami could tell was of Nigerian descent, like her dad, was very emotional as he expressed that he had many enemies, but his daughter was the kindest, most moral person that he knew and he would stop at nothing to have her returned to her loved ones.

“It’s so sad. She do charity and stuff. Her life was just bout to start. I hate to say it, but she been missing for days. They probably not gonna find her…” She didn’t want to say alive, but if they found her, it would likely be dead. But, something caused Folami to march closer to the TV and stare up at it, centering in on it as admissions came to retrieve Dahlia. She didn’t even hear her say, “It was good to meet you!” Because she was focused on the necklace in Niyilolawa Uchechukwu’s photo. One spade necklace…

“Analyst.” The voice was softer than usual and almost quiet. She turned, more shocked by that than when it was barked at her. “Make sure that you do your job and don’t get…” he searched for the right words, “Buried in the details, too much.” That was a threat. But, she simply nodded her head and turned off the TV. Someone else came and handed him a box, which he passed to her. “What do you do with this?” He asked.

“Document these items, bag separately and store the box,” she repeated her job description.

“Thank you,” he said, for a change, then left.

She did her job, documented and put the box labeled “Bloom” in the B’s… But, ashe couldn’t help but to go check that other box. She remembered it was in the P’s, but couldn’t remember the label. Pendant spade? Prime spade? She searched for several minutes, before seeing “Princess of Spades!” She grabbed the box, looked inside of it and couldn’t find the necklace, but she knew that this was the box and that she had put it in there. She went into the records and her recording had been edited. There was no record of her placing the necklace into the box. She frowned and sighed. This was super shady. Did they have somebody here, against her will, or did this person enter a crazy program and failed to tell her parents?  

♡

Whenever she came into work the next day, after virtually no sleep, she entered to the face of her work bestie, the secretary/front counter receptionist. “Hey… They want you to meet them upstairs as soon as you clock in.”

“Shoot, what’d I do?” she asked.

“Probably just paranoid. I guess you accessed some file without permission, or something. I mean, you’re still new so they shouldn’t trip too much. Probably just will remind you of the protocol.”

But, her heart leaped into her throat and she nodded her head, “Okay. Thanks.”

“Have lunch with me today. I gotta show you this commercial that I saw last night. It is a riot. I was gon’ text it to you, but I wanted to see your face.” Folami went to her workstation, clocked in, put her things away and headed upstairs. Her immediate thought when she came in was that she was in deep trouble. She saw the admissions tech from yesterday, her supervisor and one of the scientists. This couldn’t bode well, but whenever she got all the way into the room, she saw her.

“Hi…” She said, confused. Niyilolawa Uchechukwu nodded once, with a soft smile and fiddled with her necklace pendant.

“Have a seat for us, Analyst Adebowale,” Her supervisor said. So, today, they know my name. She did so. “We just wanted to bring you in, because admissions was concerned about your interest in a very sensitive case that we’re currently working on. We wanted to make sure that you could sleep tonight, by knowing just enough to smooth over your concerns.” How they know I couldn’t sleep last night? “This is Niyilolawa Uchechukwu. You may have seen her face on the news, as her parents issued a missing persons alert for her. However, she has entered herself into the program, and for the safety of others, as well as herself did not wish to publicize her decision.” Folami looked at the woman. She forced a smile, but Folami knew that in distress look anyway and her conscious ached for something to do to help this person. “When it was noticed that you accessed her file, and searched her possessions box, we brought her in to speak to you, personally.”

Niyilolawa said, “I turned over my necklace at admissions, but was allowed to have it back, later.”

“We remove possessions from record whenever we give them to the guest, so that we’re clear that it isn’t in our care,” the scientist said. “However, protocol dictates that you not access the files without instructions from a scientist, supervisor, or technician, so why were you in her files?”

“Because, I recognized the necklace, in the news. I double checked to make sure that I had made a mistake, and thought until just now that I must have.”

Niyilolawa could sense Folami’s fear and her struggle, so she reached for her hand, “Thank you for your concern. I’m sure that you will do what is right with what you know.” You know that I do not wish to be here. You know that I am missing. You know that these men are evil. Please help me… Her eyes said.

“Well, if you in the future have any concerns, see your supervisor. Stay behind for a moment.” The others left the office and it was just Folami and the scientist. “How has the job been treating you?” he asked.

“Good. It’s treated me well,” she answered, her soul shaken up by the encounter with that woman.

“And it’s been enough for you to get back on your feet, so that you no longer have to live with your four sisters?” he asked.

She felt like this was yet another threat, but answered calmly, “We want to live together. Life is hard and the world is dangerous. There’s safety in numbers.”

“That there is. You all look identical. How does anyone tell you apart?” he wondered, looking at her social media profile photo of five women with the exact same face.

“They don’t, but we know,” she said.

“Hopefully, nobody ever has a grudge with any of you. I can’t imagine how it might feel to get on someone’s bad side, then have someone else suffer for it.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time, so, we’d manage.” She clasped her hands together and wondered, “Is there anything else?”

“Yes. Do your job and mind your business. There are various levels in this facility, and you are at the very bottom. I won’t feel the need to explain myself in the future.”

“Of course. I will do what I am paid to do,” she told him and nodded her head…

“I can’t just do what I’m paid to do! Something is happening there. Something bad. I can feel it. That girl’s voice is burned into my head and I don’t know… When she touched me, it was like I could read her cry for help, right there in her eyes. I could hear her voice begging me to do what I know is right.” She looked at her four identicals and said, “We… have to do something, right? We gotta try to help her, or am I on my own?”

“Now, when have you ever in life been on your own?” the other four asked in unison.

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season twenty-two, episode one: call me a private detective on a hbo comedy because i am bored to death.

Admittedly, I don’t know many things.

I really know a lot of things about the things I do know, but the things I don’t know I don’t care about. There are things I want to know but haven’t had the time or patience to learn - looking at you, crocheting.

But I do know that Arie Ludenchyksdjkfds, Jr. has the personality of low-fat mayonnaise. You know Lay’s Lightly Salted chips? Arie was the inspiration for those. Arie is massively boring and I kind of love him for it. Then again, we were last treated with Nick Viall and Ben Higgins before him, so we’re realistically just dealing with different shades of beige at this point.

Arie is our Little Engine That Could1 who so badly wanted to be the Chosen One - both by Emily Maynard and for the title of The Bachelor. It’s been five years since his turn on La Bachelorette2, and in that five years, he hasn’t dated and he’s stopped racing cars and now is in real estate! HOW SPLENDIDLY BORING. But now he’s ready to settle down. Because the race is over, but it’s really just beginning.

I hate what this show does to me.

Sean and Catherine roll up with their baby, and Sean salts the would that he was picked to be Bachelor over Arie in some weird way of attempting to convince us all this process works for people. See? They have a baby! They get to do other reality shows now! It’s all great! Arie does his obligatory photoshoot and moves into the Bachelor Fuck Pad.

And away... we... go.

We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, who’s back to being my Mortal Enemy once again after the disaster that was last season of Paradise. He’s all skeevy telling us that Arie’s the best kisser the show ever had and how they’ve collected a great group of girls that all thought they were going to get Peter as The Bachelor and now they’re stuck with Arie!

We meet Chelsea, who’s a single mom from Portland, Maine3 who’s pumped that Arie’s the bachelor because Emily Maynard was a single mom, and so is she! Relationship connections be damned, they have something in common. Next in Caroline, a realtor from Fort Lauderdale. She’s my age and has already sold $5 million in sales and I want to jump from a bridge. Caroline is boring.

Next is Maquel, which is not a fucking name, and she’s a professional photographer, which means she may own a Canon Rebel she bought in high school. She’s like, 23, and said she watched Arie on The Bachelorette. 5 years ago. That’s just gross, imo. Nysha’s a big fan of adrenaline rushes - she’s a nurse and likes skydiving.

Oh my god, they’re all so boring. I can’t be witty when I’m half asleep.

Tia is 26 and from Weiner, Arkansas. Cue weiner jokes all around this podunk town. Oh, and we get to see Raven from Nick’s season! She’s the reason Tia’s here. If it doesn’t work out, their friendship is over. Hell, it’s over if it does. Raven would lose it. Kendall collects taxidermy and plays the god damn ukulele4 and lives in Los Angeles. I hate Kendall. That’s all. I bet Kendall has a Pinterest page called “wanderlust”.

Bekah reminds me of my friend Jordan with her cute short haircut. She’s a nanny, but considers herself gentle and exciting. Next up is Marikh, who needs to be the center of attention and be pursued. She runs an Indian restaurant with her mom and Marikh is my favorite.

Krystal is 29, lives in San Diego, and Krystal reminds me so much of Kristen Chenoweth I can’t handle it. She’s like a taller, more deluded Kristen Chenoweth. She’s very into nutrition and helping others, she donates to the homeless because her brother is homeless and refuses her help. I didn’t cry.

Fuuuck I cried with Krystal help me.

THE LIMOS ARE ARRIVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris Harrison greets Arie and they pretend like they like each other for a bit. Arie’s nervous because realistically he never really expected it to happen. Chris Harrison is essentially like “what’s wrong with you?” and Arie’s like “Emily was it for me and that’s it so it’s time to find someone like her.” Or some nonsense. I can’t figure out what Arie’s narrative is going to be this season. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison tries to hide his horns.

Caroline is the first out of the limo in a white sequined gown. She makes a hilariously bad “off the market” job in reference to them both being realtors. It’s so bad, but it works. Chelsea is next, and there’s nothing worth commenting on except she's trying to be mysterious and failing. Kendall is nervous as hell. Then Seinne comes out and I scream because I love when black women arrive on this show in any capacity. She gifts him elephant cuff-links with such a well thought out response, I died.

Next is Tia, who’s there to continue her weiner jokes. Bibiana doesn’t know that blue eyes are a recessive gene. Krystal gets a big reaction in her red dress. Krystal’s vocal fry is so real. Bekah arrives in a classic car and all the girls are incensed - it’s going to be a long night and it’s only just beginning.

Jenna is 100% arms and hands when she talks. Jessika gives him a rock. None of the girls expected the competition to be as tough as it is on night one, but it’s like they’ve never seen this show before. Becca K basically convinces Arie to get on his knee for her, and I like her immediately.

There’s about a baziilion Laurens this season, and Lauren S. is the first one. Then comes Lauren J. ANOTHER LAUREN B. and another Lauren J,, then Lauren G. oh my god. They should have done what Tyra Banks does on Top Model5 and made thse girls go by nicknames. God damn.

Cue the “we’re trying too hard to impress” montage. One woman is too tan and owns a spray-tan company and has seen a lot of dicks. One woman asks Arie to smell her. I need to nap.

Okay, I’m awake again.

We do get Annaliese, who arrives in a mask because i LOVE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR MASKS ON THIS SHOW. We never learn your face. Maquel whips her head after she takes her helmet off like she thinks she’s in Talladega Nights. Maquel is 23 years old, and Maquel needs to focus her priorities elsewhere, in my humble opinion.

Then Chris Harrison comes in and reminds us all of the First Impression Rose, aka the You Gave Me My First Non-Viagra Boner In Years6. All the girls scream when Arie walks in and reminds us that it’s be FIVE YEARS since he was on this franchise. Five fucking years he just sat around and waited to be picked as Bachelor.

Chelsea is the first to swoop in and grab Arie, barely after their arms have fallen after the toast. All the girls are shooketh at how quickly Chelsea ran up in there, but guys - that’s the name of the game. Get in there quick, figure out if it’s right, and if it is, coo, if it’s not, bye. Go back to your normal lives. He literally has two-and-a-half baker’s dozens of women waiting to meet him over the span of basically three hours.

Arie thinks Chelsea’s mysterious after meeting her for 30 seconds. I guess her trying to appear mysterious worked for him, and now I’ve confirmed that likely Arie is one of the reasons Family Guy is in its sixteenth season. There are just some shows where I just wonder “who is still watching you?” Arie’s still watching Family Guy. He’s that kind of person. Chelsea talks about making a sacrifice and Arie’s like I’M INTRIGUED and I’m just like, bitch, tell him you have a kid and get it over with. Do not keep your kid a secret from someone you want to be your future partner. I don’t understand the looooogic. Chelsea is pissed when Maquel comes and interrupts them.

I love when people get upset at the general conceit of this entire show like it hasn’t been running since Arie was born (i.e. 850 B.C.). Chelsea is salty as hell that Maquel, who arrived in a racecar and is twenty-three years old, had the gall to interrupt her. She’s like, “Of course it’s the girl in the LOUD CAR that interrupted me.” Is there any girl you wouldn’t have been upset with, Chelsea? “Baby Christina Ricci over there interrupted me with her flat chest and baby face.” “One of the MILLIONS OF LAURENS interrupted me by being a Lauren all over the place!”

Quit it, Chelsea. Quit it7.

Maquel, who is still twenty-three trying to date a thirty-six year old8 takes a selfie with Arie, and god, he is so boring. Even his “goofy” faces are boring. Meanwhile, Khelsey is still complaining about how bad it would look for Maquel to interrupt them, and Maquel admits that she and Arie talked about pretty much nothing during their conversation.

These people.

Arie talks to some girl who doesn’t even get a chyron so clearly she’s a NonFactor of the moment, and we learn that 36-year-old Arie came back because he’s a Man now, instead of 31-year-old Arie, who was Just A Boy. We infantilze white men so easily in this country, ain’t no way in hell a 31-year-old is a boy. He still can’t stop mentioning his connection with Emily, though. He doesn’t know why it works better for him on The Bachelor than it does in real life other than it’s a completely isolated situation where your only focus is on one other person the entire time, so it’s just easier. Arie sounds lazy AF. Basically he’s telling us it probably didn’t work for him in real life because he moves far too quickly too easily and at least on The Bachelor it’s socially acceptable and actually praised.

Arie joins Marikh on an outdoor couch and he literally looks like a little boy talking to his therapist. I firmly take back every complaint I had about Nick last season because Arie is SO BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has nothing to say. At all. Everything is “I’m just as nervous as you,” and “I’m looking to meet someone, too.” There’s this amazing moment on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where Mauricio Umansky is talking and Camille Grammer is basically repeating everything he says to him back to his face “So sad,” “It’s so... sad.” and that’s what I imagine dating Arie is like.

If I wanted that, I’d get a parrot.

All of the black girls (and Annaliese, still wearing her sparkly mask) talk about if they’ve dated interracially before and honestly this is probably the most screentime at least two of them will have until they’re eliminated. I cannot tell any of these women apart - and they’re giving so many little cutaways of the girls just being hopeful that they’ll get a 1/30 chance of being picked or realistically, a 1/909 chance of being picked at The Bachelorette.

Brittany takes Arie aside and they race like, minicars and all she wants to do is kiss him. Brittany wins and gets a kiss, and I’m just thrilled a black girl got the first kiss of the season. SO PROUD. All the other girls are like, “wait, it’s been fifteen minutes and he’s already kissing?” Khelsey is mostly mad that she feels she had thirty seconds with Arie and everyone else got like, ten minutes or an hour or five years10.

Oh, Kendall brought her ukulele. She sang a song about fish. I am sitting here with just a stank face on. I can’t help myself.

There’s a lot of girls feeding Arie, including one girl who confesses that “pineapple” is her safe word. Jenna gives Arie a foot massage and she’s very in tune with her senses so her being 100% arms makes sense. Jenna’s a little drunk already and I love it. I love the first drunk girl. Annaliese is unsure if she wants Arie to see her face behind her mask, and she’s already my favorite becuase she’s “not a nickname kind of person.” Me either. My name has three syllables. Annaliese also has my favorite dress of the night - the teal gown with the cutouts, gorgeous.

Becca K. and Arie have nice, if not bland conversation, but it’s the conversation that two people who are comfortable have. So many of the girls are freaking out because they haven’t talked to Arie yet, and of course, here comes Human Toenail Chris Harrison to drop the First Impression Rose down. Having the First Impression Rose is both a good thing and a bad thing - clearly he likes you, but the girls already know you’re a threat.

The girls who haven’t had a moment essentially start lining up one by one and waiting in a corner to start interrupting Arie and trying to get their time in. And Khelsey, fueled entirely by the notion that She Was Robbed, decided now it’s time for her second go-around. She regrets going first because she’s worried about being forgotten. Krystal, my emotionally fragile broken bird, is with Arie, and he’s like, “I want to get to know you.” And the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m a Libra.”

KRYSTAL STOP IT. Tell him you like health and fitness! Tell him you do work out videos or whatever! Hell, tell him you really like lipstick. ANYTHING BUT YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN, PUH-LEASE. Khelsey comes in when Arie is complimenting Kelsey’s voice11 and asks for more time. She doesn’t care if it makes her unpopular, getting a second round. Effectively, this is Khelsey pissing on Arie’s leg. She just wants to remind him of who she is and make sure that he knows she’s there for him. They kiss, and she’s nice enough to be like, “okay, go be with the other girls.”

How kind of you, Khelsey. She immediately runs to the other girls what she did and they’re all like, “oh, that’s who she is.” Because the house has zero clocks and they only have a rose to stare at, the girls are already going stircrazy. Khelsey’s literally like, “Oh, I didn’t know a few of you had never talked to him,” and pretending like she really cared. Arie wants to make sure the girl he picks is honest and truthful and really shares with him, which... god. It makes these women sound like peanut butter, and not in the RuPaul kind of way12. One girl is even like, my dad met you once and he just passed away but he approves, which is basically what everyone wants to hear on a first date.

Bekah, who is twenty-two years old and needs to get away from this franchise immediately, repeats her opening line over and over while Arie talks about three things that make him excited to be alive.

Excitement - Arie is excited about excitement and I am actually crying, he really is Lightly Salted Lays

Adrenaline - ... How is adrenaline any different from excitement? I’ll wait.

Pizza - It’s official, Arie is the personification of the Basic White Dude Starter Kit.

Bekah’s answers are straight fire. And she’s twenty-two years old. Arie’s a dweeb.

Arie comes in for the First Impression Rose, and he grabs Khelsey. Her re-return worked in her favor, and Arie appreciated her going after what she wanted. Krystal is especially pissed because she felt like she was in the middle of something with Arie when Khelsey came back.

We head into the first Rose Ceremony of the season, and the sun is rising. This entire experience seems exhausting. I’m one of those “I need a vacation from this vacation” kind of people - my time off is usually jam packed with all the shit I didn’t do because I was working, so I can only imagine that this would be my personal hell. I’m always tired. If they told me my call was 11:30 PM I’d be out. There are very few occasions where going out that late has ever ended well for me.

THE ROSES ARE GIVEN AWAY IN THE CEREMONY OF ROSES.

Becca K., Kendall, Lauren G., Koach Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie13, Jacqueline, Jenny14, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel all get roses. Maquel has the indecency to be like “Arie, why’d you do that to me?!” and that seems like quite the insensitive joke to be making at that moment, Maquel.

We’re saying goodbye to Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittane J., Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha and Olivia, of course, because we got to know them so well. Then again, Nysha did get an opening segment. Nysha, we barely knew you.

The girls are ejected into the daylight and while they’re upset now, they feel a heavy, boring burden lifted off of their shoulders. Arie’s in the driver’s seat now (eyeroll). It’s gonna be more like a Subaru than a racecar, though.

This Season on El Bachelor: We’re in Tuscany! We’re in Paris! Bekah making out in front of the Moulin Rouge! Making out in the snow! Tia’s in love! Krystal’s in love! My queen Sienne is in love! Khelsey thinks she deserves more time with Arie because she’s a mother and that means she gets more time. I don’t understand that logic, but okay. Bibiana’s not here to fuck around and tells the cameras to get out of her face. Krystal’s facade has broken. Everyone thinks Bekah’s so young (she is). Teary montage! Arie’s caught the feels! Someone’s ex is back and there to get his girl back.

... So, basically, your standard Bachelor season.

See you soon.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Jessica looks like just Jessalyn Gilsig. So many people on this season are just versions of other people.

I’m so sorry this blog is so late. I’m catching up. I swear. I’m not going to be that behind. ONWARDS AND CATCHING UPWARDS.

How tired of the race car puns are we going to get and how quickly?

God damn it, even this show has me making stupid racecar references. ↩︎

They made out against the John Lennon Wall in Prague! I did that! ↩︎

I almost said the “white Portland” and then I realized they’re both the White Portland so, you decide. ↩︎

Why does everyone want to play the ukulele and no one wants to play the goddamn harmonica? ↩︎

Something something podcast something something. ↩︎

Arie is basically as old as Jax Taylor, who invented dating. ↩︎

I’m genuinely shocked that her name is spelled the traditional way, and not the millions of phonetic variations. I weirdly want to call her Khelsey. I keep typing Khelsey. ↩︎

YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. I dated someone ten years older than I was and that to me was a fine line, I’m just lucky I had two older brothers who treated me like I was their age. Let me put it this way: Arie’s still using Snapchat and you think Instagram Stories are “old school”. ↩︎

My early predictions for The Bachelorette? Tia. I think if Raven had wanted it last season, it would have been hers - but for the first episode out, I’m just calling Tia my front runner. ↩︎

That’s Emily. ↩︎

Manic Pixie Vocal Fry tbh ↩︎

MUST BE JELLY CAUSE JAM DON’T SHAKE ↩︎

WHO? ↩︎

Along with 100 Laurens, they had a Jenny and a Jenna? Nothing is good in this world. ↩︎

[multifandom-hoes]

Not That Easy

Member: Jin // BTS

Main Plot: They have to get the money before their family can suffer.

Short Summary: Why did it seem so easy at the start, but as he got to know her, he never wanted to let go?

A/N: Let’s all take a moment to thank @kawaii-hedgehog for giving me the scenarios for this series. I will be tagging her in the following six, as well. *low-key nervous to not mess up too much while writing these cause the idea is absolutely brilliant*

Words: 2k

/ SeokJin // YoonGi // HoSeok // NamJoon // JiMin // TaeHyung // JeongGuk /

It was not hard to fall for the man named Kim SeokJin; in fact, it was so easy that you could write it off for phenomenal.

With his silk, soft brown hair, big doe eyes that were the colour of melted chocolate, full pink lips that are inviting you so much…

Indeed, falling for Kim SeokJin was easy.

“Hey, Jin!” yelled the low voice of Kim NamJoon from their meeting room. “Remember I told you about that rich man’s daughter?”

With a small tilt of his head SeokJin stood up from his couch and walked over to the meeting room. “What about her?”

“We found out where she works.” NamJoon answered while flicking through a large stack of papers. “Some little café in the outskirts of GwangJu-gu.” Finally finding the file that he needed, the man full of authority slammed the papers on the desk in front of SeokJin, documents and pictures spilling in every direction. “Give us a couple of days’ maximum and you’ll have your forged ID. Though, I would appreciate it if you’d get this job done quickly. We need the money a.s.a.p.” NamJoon’s voice, for once, was not the of the usual joking demeanour, having lost all of his youth and instead being replaced by the grave voice of Rap Monster- an infamous man with a high rank in the underground circles.

Softly, SeokJin’s fingers raked over the frayed edge of the lone photo that flew near him, grasping the image of her that managed to get in his arm’s reach.

Her shining smile, as she served her customers, and a timid hand to her chest while slightly bending over- her personality was crystal clear. She’s an idiot. “Seems easy enough.” SeokJin sighed, already bored of his job. Scanning the photo for the last time he lets it go and the picture was sent t fly to the ground in small swirls.

I was right, after all. Were the thought in SeokJin’s head after two consecutive days of coming to the café. She really is an idiot. And clumsy, at that. He heaved a deep sigh before settling his face into a well-practiced smile as he saw her approaching his table to take his order.

Her voice was soft when she spoke, and the older man hated the fact that it had managed to get under his skin, warming his ice-cold heart; only a little, though. He dared not say so otherwise. “Would you like to order, Sir?” in his eyes she looked ethereal, near blinding with her innocent smile.

Is this the woman SeokJin was to seduce?

“A cup of coffee and your famous cheesecake, please.” He answered gently, sending her a dazzling smile.

With a bow of her she turned to step back to the kitchen, but was stopped immediately by the surprisingly strong from the male. Her smile wavered for a second as she turned back to face him again. “Is there anything else?”

SeokJin’s mind blanked as her eyes enveloped his tall frame. “Um… Not to be a creep or anything, but I’d rather you’d drop the formalities.” He let out an awkward smile.

Oh God, this was the most common step with women who worked in a restaurant, café, coffee shop, whatever, and he managed to mess up his ace card; because of her?

“Just call me SeokJin, instead.” His smile froze on his face as he realized his grave mistake.

Fuck.

“You did what?!” NamJoon’s astonished voice proclaimed in the living room, and the television was turned off immediately. The leader raked his hands in his hair as he sighed in frustration, his eyes still angered, but more so astonished; the eldest of the gang never made such major mistakes, heck he didn’t even make any minor mistakes.

Kim SeokJin was the God of Seduction with no mistakes; he was the perfect man every girl admired and longed after. So who the fuck was she, then?

“We don’t have the time to look for another rich gall, Jin. Just get her wrapped around your finger and take her here, we need that money, for fuck’s sake!” NamJoon yelled, though not in anger, and definitely not towards SeokJin.

He was tired and frustrated at his stupidity. He could not even protect his youngest member, and now he had to go through terrible sleep deprived nights as he thought of the possible outcomes that might happen to JungKook if they didn’t get the money in a few more weeks.

SeokJin huffed and gnawed at his lip. The reveal of his name wasn’t even that big of a deal to him- what concerned him the most was the weird attraction he felt towards that little girl.

He needed to get laid.

Days passed, and SeokJin’s attraction only grew, as well as the deadline until the money were supposed to be handed; it snaked closer and closer. His nerves stood on high-end, and he had to control himself real bad to not rip the poor girl apart. In his mind, she was everything that caused his distress.

However, he had to abandon that train of thoughts as he came face to face with her, this day being their first date. “Try and guess where we’re going today?”

Her small lips puckered in thought as she tip-toed, obviously trying to hide her awkwardness due to the air surrounding them. Yes, this was one thing that even Kim SeokJin could not over-come- the first date awkwardness.

“Somewhere nice to eat?” her gentle voice said, sending his heart wrenching.

Wrong. Oh God how wrong she was. He was an asshole, but Jeon JungKook was more worth it.

Right…?

“You know me too well at this point!” he laughed merrily, awkwardly snaking his hand into hers and gripping her fingers with his sweaty palm.

He had done this so many times, just take her to the base and the job’s finished! What’s wrong with you, you idiot?!

“I’d also like to take you somewhere special. I want you to meet a couple of my friends.” As he informed her of his future plan, he saw her pupils waver in suspicion, and her nimble fingers grabbed at his more tightly, but she soon let off.

“Oh… Is that so?”

“Don’t worry. Those people are like brothers to me. We spent a lot of our teenage years all together.” He had forgot his dark mood for a second, before JungKook’s beaten face flooded his mind again. “Though… Our youngest friend is in some trouble right now, so you won’t… You won’t be able to meet him today, sorry.”

From the corner of his eyes he saw her mouth form a small `o` and he had let his face relax at her concerned appearance. “Is it something serious? I could help!” SeokJin expected her to be like this, but the only way to help JungKook was…

I want you to give me a million dollars, Sweetheart. Would you be able to do that? Doubt it.

“It’s okay. He should be okay soon, anyway. Everything’s going to be solved soon. Don’t worry so much.” He faked a cheerful grin that hid his pain from having to do this, and instead he ruffled her soft hair. “Everything’s going to be okay.” He said for the sake of keeping himself calm; this sentence reminded him of why he was doing this in the first place.

She gasped as the water was poured over her head, waking her up from the painful and uncomfortable slumber that she fell into. “So now that you’re awake, say a couple of words to your daddy. Make it sound as if you’re in shitloads of pain, or we’ll have to make you feel it for real. Your choice.” An unfamiliar man with bleached blonde hair spoke to her, his face only a sinister mask from his grimace.

“NamJoon, don’t be like that.” The familiar voice of Kim SeokJin gushed from even further, and the tied-up girl snapped her eyes up with shock and hurt.

“Jin?” her voice wavered with emotion as she tried to make out anything beyond the man with an angry face. She couldn’t though, since it was too dark further on in the room.

However, she had a great hearing, so she was certain that after mentioning the nickname there was a sharp inhale of air.

“What is going on?”

“You’re being traded for money, Honey. Now oblige and you’ll be able to walk the streets again. Hurry.” NamJoon was getting impatient, prodding at the camera on the tripod.

“Were you lying to me, SeokJin?” her hurt voice asked again, tears spilling over the brim of her eyes. “So everything you told me about this JungKook person… Is he not even real?” from the corner of her eye she saw the blonde man stiffen, and then look behind him in pure shock.

“Sweetheart, listen.” SeokJin murmured softly, feeling a horrible pang in his own chest. “Jeon JeongGuk is the most real man walking on earth, but he’s in heaps of trouble, just as I told you. We need money to get him out of it.”

“Jin, what the fuck are you even doing?!” NamJoon bellowed, stepping aside and facing the elder head on. “Revealing your own fucking name, and then the youngest… Why don’t you just fucking go to the police; might as well spill your entire illegal history!”

Ignoring the yelling, the girl continued speaking. “You knew from what kind of family I was from. You could have just asked for some money.”

The banter stopped and the bleached man snorted. “Huh? You’re funny? You mean you can just go up to your father and ask him for a million dollars?” NamJoon was in fury as he spoke, and SeokJin was quick to interpret it as the worst sign ever.

Shielding the young woman away from his furious leader, SeokJin looked down at her teary face, swollen and red. She still looked beautiful. “Just do what we say and you’ll be fine.” Showing compassion in this kind of situation was bullshit, so he got his act together. “Say you need help, yell in pain and we’re gonna put on some threats. That’s all.”

She winced at his harsh words, and her tears were being held down by her throat as she shuddered in the cold seat. Through her messy actions, he could still make out a soft nod of her head. “So, I guess this is goodbye.”

As SeokJin turned away his fists clenched. “We’re doing this for a good cause; JungKook is a brother.”

“It was a short moment of pure tranquility, but I felt loved, for once.”

Her words clenched at his heart, and he felt his own eyes water. “After this is done, continue living.”

“Yah! Jin, are you going there, again?!” HoSeok’s cheerful voice yelled as SeokJin was slowly putting his shoes on.

“Do you have a problem with that, Hobi?” SeokJin chuckled, though it was a heavy and heartbreaking sight as his eye-bags became more and more apparent by day.

“Hyung, can I go with?” JungKook carefully asked, already expecting the negative answer.

“You can’t.” SeokJin close to snapped, his eyes wild at the prospect at getting her involved with his life for even a second more.

“But why?” JungKook’s whines were a popular measure to paralyze SeokJin, but not when it came to her. No whining and pouting from JungKook was good enough to convince SeokJin to allow them to meet.

“You can’t.” and with that- the eldest left.

Walking the familiar streets to her work place- this has become a routine of certain kind. Not stalking, though. Definitely not stalking. He refused to believe that he was slowly becoming one. He simply loved her and wanted to see how she’s doing. That’s all there was to it.

Though as he passed the café and saw the woman smiling at her boyfriend with the happiest expression, his heart shattered everytime. It was a painful sight, he was to admit. But he loved her. He needed to see her.

Funny how he told her to continue living, meanwhile here he was, contemplating how good it would have been if time would move backwards.

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelorette, season thirteen, episode five part one: am i behind the times on menwear trends?

Dear Bachelorette Producers:

Racism is not “animosity between guys.” This isn’t them “fighting about a girl”. This is a racist using his racism to provoke a black man and portray him in a violent, vitriolic manner.

This is irresponsible, and this is the normalization for racist behavior on par with our current president’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon.

Go rot and die.

Love,

Amanda

The episode opens where we left out - everyone hates Lee, especially Kenny, and Kenny’s gonna tell him who he is today in case Lee didn’t know. Meanwhile, Bryan and his cheek fillers1 take Rachel aboard a boat and he schmoozes her with all of the proper lines - when I’m with you, nothing else matters, fuck the drama, etc etc. They kiss. Rachel, WHY.

Kenny and Lee talk about how Kenny thought their argument is over, and Lee kept throwing matches into the fire to relight it. Lee refuses to let him speak - of course, he’s a troll - and then has the gall to be like “I commend and respect you for being so calm right now.” Read: “I’m trying to piss you off and it’s not working, so let me twist them words right up.” He’s such a concern troll and I’m over it. He accuses Kenny of having a violent aspect to his personality - shut the hell up, dude - and just wants to get in Kenny’s head, and unfortunately, it appears to be working a bit. Lee is garbaaaaagio. He goes and talks with Will, and Will’s basically like, “Dude, he wants nothing to do with you, back off,” and Lee’s like, “Oh, no, I can’t, my family has a deep history of racism and I have to keep that alive, soooo…”

Anyway, the guys regroup with Rachel, where she gives out her group date rose… to Bryan. RACHEL, WHY?

Kenny takes the time to congratulate Bryan and give a little veiled toast2 to Bryan and the rest of the guys - basically that Bryan isn’t a Bitch Ass Dude and earned his group date rose instead of trying to snake his way into that. I cackled, and I cackled even harder when Lee was like, “Hey, wait, FUCK YOU!!!!” because he’s literally still trying to be the victim when he’s the instigator. Talk shit, get hit, and when Kenny alludes to such, Lee doubles down on the “WAH YOU’RE VIOLENT WAAAAH” train. Kenny feels sorry for Lee’s parents.

I love Kenny. He whispers “You’re a bitch” to Lee and basically is like, “how is a whisper aggressive?” Kenny, wanna get married? All the guys are laughing at Lee. Not with Lee, like he hopes. Lee admits he’s there to talk shit. LEE IS NOT THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

Meanwhile, Rachel’s going on a one-on-one with JACKSTONE. They’re going on a carriage ride through Hilton Head. Rachel’s excited because, on paper, they’re a perfect match. I don’t think this date will end well. Perfect Matches on paper... rarely ever do. Jack isn’t sure if he can take a joke, which probably means that Jack is the type to make offensive jokes and then be like “I was just joking, god,” when people get rightfully upset. They’re eating and shucking oysters, and I’m genuinely shocked that they let anyone on this show have any kind of knife-utensil deal. I don’t get it.

Jack is a blinker. He blinks a lot. They’re going to learn some line dancing, and JACKSTONE is not a dancer3. Rachel feels like something’s missing, and of course, JACKSTONE is like, “I just want to kiss herrrrrrrrrrr haaaaalp.” Rachel pulls the whole, “I’m contagious, don’t kiss me,” and Jack kisses her anyway. Erm. I’m nervous. John Grisham wishes he could write this drama.

Will and Lee have a drink outside, and Will does a duty I’ve taken before: Explaining To A Racist Why Their Behavior Is Racist. It’s a heavy emotional duty to carry as a black person, particularly a black woman, to take on. People like to believe that just because they’re not wearing a KKK hood or running around lynching people that they’re not racist. People don’t want to realize that racism is a subtle dance, one that people naturally fall into without thinking. Will explains that he understands where Kenny’s coming from, and that when Lee calls him “aggressive”, it’s just another brick in the wall of black men being portrayed as aggressive in order to justify scenarios. It’s the most honest conversation I’ve seen about race in reality television4 and of course, Lee accuses Kenny of “pulling the race card” - he never did, Lee slipped that race card right in the deck like a sneaky fucker - and Will realizes that Lee’s just an ignorant monster. Lee “doesn’t understand the race card”5 - CAUSE YOU WHITE MOTHER FUCKER YOU HAVE NO RACE CARD TO PLAY - and just continues to be like, “I don’t understaaaaand.” Because he’s a big ol’ racist.

Back to JACKSTONE and Rachel, and they’re at dinner. JACKSTONE has the problem of talking over people in a very aggressive manner, and he’s got all the perfect canned responses. Jack makes me nervous. He talks about her dad, and Rachel is not feeling it. She doesn’t feel the romance. She asks him what they would do in Dallas, and his response is, “I’d lock the door.”

Ahasflkfjelfhdjkgjfljdfghkjhs

I AM TERRIFIED FOR YOU RACHEL GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

He wants to lay in bed and talk. Rachel is like, “that sounds boooooring.” She doesn’t want to waste his time any longer. JACKSTONE keeps saying what a “surprise” it was that he had a good time and this is How Not To Woo A Girl 101. Surprises are for 50th birthday parties and STDs6. Rachel picks up the rose... and doesn’t give it to him. SAVAGE. She doesn’t feel the romantic feelings for him, and for that reason, she’s out. We get what feels like the only genuine feelings from JACKSTONE we’re ever going to get, and with that, he’s gone off to face another challenge.

The next morning, Rachel’s like, “fuck the cocktail party,” and we see her getting ready. All the guys are nervous going into the rose ceremony, which is on a pier at night. It’s gorgeous.

Eric, Peter, Adam (WHO?), Will, Matt (AGAIN, WHO?), Alex, Josiah, Anthony, Kenny, and Lee (BARF) all get roses.

That means goodbye Iggy and Buster Bluth - who exits with a tickle that... I don’t hate.

Meanwhile, we’re going to Norway!!!!!!!

I love the idea of Norway. I would like to go to there. I don’t even know what’s there or anything about Norwegian culture but I AM ABOUT YOU, NORWAY. Oslo is just fun to say.

Rachel joins the guys in a restaurant wearing a chunky knit oversized sweater and I CANNOT. I would like that sweater immediately. Who made it? Where can I get it? Is it sold out??? Someone get me this sweater now. IF YOU TELL ME IT’S $500 I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL

I can’t afford that, I’m a poor writer who lives in New York. I wish I could spend half my rent on a single sweater. Anyway, Rachel arrives to drop the bomb that she’s taking someone on a one-on-one right then and there, and it’s Bryan and his cheekbones.

RAQUEL. WHY.

The guys speculate as to whether Bryan’s coming back - y’all, he’s coming back, Rachel’s dickmatized by him and his facial hair. Bryan is wearing a sweatshirt with lapels that’s perfectly unzipped to show the navy shirt underneath - that navy matches the border of the lapels perfectly. Is this a new choice in menswear I’m missing? Can we lose it IMMEDIATELY? I love a guy with a great style, and a guy who pays attention to details7, but I hate everything about Bryan’s outfit. EVE (clapping hands emoji) ERY (clapping hands emoji) THANG (clapping hands emoji).

They’re exploring the city of Oslo, and why am I so aware of the transportation in this season? They take a bus to the best view of Oslo, where Rachel leans into Bryan like she’s trying to crawl into his lap. Rachel is DTF Bryan.

Also, WHAT IS WITH THIS SHOW AND THE HEIGHTS GARBAGE? I can’t. That’s the reason I can’t be The Second Black Bachelorette - my fear of heights means the producers would have to get creative with dates cause there ain’t a possibility in the world that I’m going to the top of the Holmenkollen Olympic Ski Jump like they did. It’s high up as hell and then they’re going to rappel down.

No.

No.org.

Rachel gets to be all lawyery and is like “Y’all, 1-8-7 = murder, and this is 187 feet down.” I love her again.

But also no as HELL to all of this date. I would be in actual tears the entire time. I would be like Catie on America’s Next Top Model8, just sobbing and dangling, sobbing and dangling. They kiss as they repel down, and Bryan has Josh Murray Unnnnnh Syndrome. How is Josh Murray Unnnnnh Syndrome (hereby known as JMUS) diagnosed? Loud kissing. Loud, audible kissing, followed by a moan of some type9. How does one avoid JMUS? Moans are for food and sex. Easy!

Anyway, they go ahead and sit together on a bench and discuss Rachel wanting to sabotage their relationship, because Bryan makes her nervous. Trust your judgment, Rachel. You’re an attorney, for god’s sake. Bryan continues to say all the right things, they kiss. Rachel doesn’t understand how such a catch is still single at 37. She doesn’t get it. ME EITHER, RACHEL. ME FUCKING EITHER.

We see a conversation between Eric and Anthony, where Eric discusses the fact that out of the five one-on-one opportunities, only one black guy in the house (Anthony) has gotten a chance. Eric thinks that Rachel’s not interested in dating black guys because of that - I understand this logic, but I think it’s a dangerous path to go down, especially in this scenario. I mean, I can just see the producer asking Eric about this possibility and planting the seed in his brain. Anthony quells those fears by basically telling him some nonsense about Rachel seeing potential in a relationship every time she gives a rose, and not to think about anything else but that. Or something, I didn’t really get it.

Anyway, Rachel and Bryan sit down to a dinner at what is basically the 360-degree buffet table from The Simpsons. Rachel is wearing chartreuse eyeshadow. Girl, no. The makeup artist who put her together, bye. Go out of business. Rachel talks about how she basically didn’t get super hot until after college and that she doesn’t know how to take compliments and doesn’t understand how to react when men are interested in her.

Uh.

I mean.

Yeah, I get it. I get this a lot. As a person who also didn’t get hot until college (and didn’t get super hot until I graduated) and was an awkward, gangly bag of bones until I was about 22, men being interested in me is still strange. I spent so much of my life feeling insecure about myself, having friends that were prettier than I was10 and settling into being “the funny and cool one” that I get verrry anxious when men express blatant interest in me. I know. It makes zero sense, but y’all, humans are a group of contradictory beings and nothing about us and the way we operate makes sense. We literally have a group of people actively working to kill millions of people to save a small group of people some money, and people continue to put the people trying to kill them into power because of loyalty and white supremacy. Nothing about us makes sense. I get you, Rachel.

Bryan says some nonsense about how he got hot too, but mostly talks about how he was afraid of commitment for years and now he’s ready to do it. And hopefully with Rachel.

Back at the house,

THERE’S A DATE CARD!!!!

Rachel’s looking for a guy who’s good with his hands in Adam, Dean, Anthony, Peter, Matt, Will, Alex, Eric, and Josiah, which means Lee and Kenny get the two-on-one. Of course. Nothing in this world is good or just.

The group date consists of the guys playing handball. The fuck is handball? I hate all sports, so of course, I don’t know what handball is. It looks like hand soccer. Handball is a combination of “football, basketball, and water polo.” Looking at it, this is an accurate description. I hate all sports, again. I fast forwarded.

We see Kenny talking to McKenzie, who didn’t get a sticker at school that day. I am so sad for McKenzie. Kenny cries because he misses her so much. I love Kenny. Seriously though, y’all, I’m not kidding about my love for good dads. We get another shot of Lee “preparing” for his date by working out and reading. I hate Lee. I hate the producers for all of this.

At the after-after-after-after-after-party, Rachel takes Will aside first, because he was the MVP of the game. He talks about not wanting to regret not showing her who he is, and so he wants to make sure to enjoy their time together. It’s sweet. It’s vulnerability. I like Will a lot. The man I believe should be the new image of masculinity, Alex reads Rachel a letter he wrote her. He has nice handwriting. I feel bad for hating on Alex so much. Alex is woke af, loves his dude friends unabashedly, and can express his emotions.

Rachel kisses pretty much every guy and thinks every guy is amazing. She doesn’t see how the night could go wrong, and then Josiah shows up. Josiah drops every perfect line on Rachel, talking about how beautiful she is, and how he knows he’s going to marry her, and Rachel isn’t having that. She wants him to ask her questions and get to know her instead of talking AT her about how amazing she is. And she’s right - it really doesn’t seem like he’s interested in getting to know her, he just likes the image of the two of them together and chemistry be damned, he’s hoping that she’ll fall for all the empty lines. But she’s smarter than that.

The date card arrives for Lee and Kenny, and it’s not signed by Rachel - it’s signed by Chris Harrison. Why? CAUSE RACHEL’S PROBABLY NOT ABOUT THIS and didn’t want to sign her name to any nonsense.

Peter and Rachel actually seem to have a real conversation about real things and he’s precious. I love him. He talks about how he’s noticed she’s easy to read, and how she’s not - and then they get spooked by a rattling doorknob and then they realize there’s a patio outside. They go out and kiss and it’s romantic. They get into a hot tub and make out. Unf. I wanna make out in a hot tub in Norway, and I notoriously hate hot tubs. I think they’re sleazy and suffocating.

Apparently, Rachel and Peter were gone for three and a half hours, which I am ALIVE for. I mean, one of those hours was spent getting her re-dressed/miked/etc etc etc, but still. Get it, Rachel. Despite her rendezvous with Peter, Will gets the group date rose. Go Will! You’re adorable!

The next day, the guys are talking about who they think is coming back from the two-on-one, and no one can tell. They all think Lee’s garbage, though. Rachel’s excited and touches down in a helicopter. She wants to understand both Kenny and Lee, and whether or not she can develop a relationship with them individually.

NORWAY IS BEAAAAUTIFUL I want to go on a helicopter ride in Norway. You can go on a helicopter ride in New York for like $30 but boooooring. They’re headed to the Norwegian wilderness because the two-on-one dates are all about isolating you in a place with the person you hate. Kenny hopes to show Rachel the real side of himself that day - he wants to focus on her that day. Lee hopes to rile Kenny up and then smile when Kenny gets upset to make himself look good and level-headed in front of Rachel. See where their differences lie? See how their focuses differ?

I hate Lee.

Rachel takes Kenny aside first and he talks about how amazing he thinks she is, and how he wants to show her how he is. He tells her that he thinks that Lee felt that he was backed into a corner and lashed out at Kenny because he didn’t know what else to do. Kenny is wonderful at this moment and really does express a desire to have a future with Rachel. He admits to being wrong for yelling at Lee and for reacting improperly. Lee says he’s going to capitalize on his time with Rachel.

Lee is that friend who’s like “I don’t like drama, I don’t want to be a part of it” and then two hours later he’s calling you from jail because he punched a guy in the face. I at least admit to being a messy bitch who loves drama. Anyway, he rats Kenny out for calling him names and talking about shitting in his boots and allegedly trying to pull Lee out of a van. Yo - if this really happened, we would have seen it. That’s how you know Lee’s a lying liar who lies. He insinuates that Kenny’s a violent alcoholic who has a dark side. He’s concern trolling AGAIN because he acts like he wants what’s best for Kenny in telling Rachel this, that he’s “tired of talking about it”. This is gross. So gross.

Rachel takes Kenny aside again and tells him what Lee told her. Kenny literally looks baffled. He denies any truth to Lee’s allegation. Rachel’s like, “yup, I just wanted you to know, I believe you... kind of.” Kenny’s pissed. He literally lets out an “I’m gonna kill this bitch” cackle all the way to his walk back to Lee. Like, the cackle a witch lets out before poisoning someone. Kenny’s not happy.

To Be Continued...

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I’m so glad I never have to see fucking Lee do his stupid racist explosion wizard hands to emphasize his bullshit ever again.

Rachel and Bryan remind me of Sharleen and Juan Pablo. A really smart, amazing woman and a dopey dud, where the whole relationship is purely based on physical attraction.

Who are Adam and Matt? For real. Can someone tell me?

If Courteney Cox can’t pull them off, neither can Bryan. ↩︎

Veiled toast sounds like a new version of avocado ↩︎

Coming soon, from John Grisham! ↩︎

Let’s be real - Kim Zolciak emerged at the perfect time for herself. She couldn’t be pulling all of that wig “I’m so black I act black” nonsense in 2017. Now she’s just a bunch of latex and silicone and I prefer her that way. ↩︎

Blackness is not a playing card or something you can just throw out into the universe. White people play the race card more than anyone else. ↩︎

I have a gentle startle reflex. Do not throw me a surprise party unless you want it to end like this. ↩︎

Match a tie to your socks and I am ALL OVER IT. Hellloooooo, sailor. ↩︎

SPEAKING OF, have you listened to my podcast yet? ↩︎

Not shown, but typically featured: following that with what they consider to be a “meek” and “shy” but “Happy” biting of the lip. ↩︎

Seriously, one of my best friends is so stupidly beautiful that sometimes I want to punch her in the face. LOVE YOU SEAL ↩︎

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode eight: i bet jax’s farts smell like protein.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, WEIRDOS!

You look amazing! How was your holiday? Great? Great. I love these catch-ups.

GENERIC POP MUSIC - this one’s “na na na na na” and just “na na na na na” over shots of the Golden Gate Bridge because we ain’t in Los Angeles no more, honey. We’re celebrating Ariana’s birthday and still wondering where Lala ran off to. Apparently, Lala just decided not to show up and flaked. As a person with friends who tend to ghost and flake1, while Lala’s in the wrong, at least she had the gall to text to tell them she wasn’t going. It’s still weird, though. She doesn’t really have a reason not to come. Sandoval surprised everyone with an RV! Jax says

“This couldn’t get any better,” which I suppose is what you say when you’re 80 years old and have only experienced horrible things.

I watched this episode with my boyfriend and I yelled out “Can they stop saying RVs are awesome?!” and he said that he thinks they’re awesome, so I’m single now. Brittany also thinks RVs sounds like a great time, but Kentucky Fried Brittany gets a pass2. RVs are not awesome. They’re shit machines on wheels. I can sleep in a car, I don’t need a full bedroom in my car. No one can sell me on the idea that RVs are awesome. No. They’re still in the parking lot when Sandoval swipes a parking roof on his way out because these people don’t know what to do with nice things.

EXTERIOR: NEW YORK CITY. STATUE OF LIBERTY! COLUMBUS CIRCLE! EMPIRE STATE BUILDING! We join Stassi, Kristen, Katie, and Scheana for Stassi’s 28th Birthday in Montauk with the Wirkus twins from Summer House, coming this winter on Bravo. We’re greeted with a montage of Stassi’s worst birthdays3 Stassi is primarily excited to finally be a chameleon because everything in Montauk is blue and white and everything Stassi packed is blue and white! Yay, chameleons! Katie and Stassi knock on wood that Scheana won’t be a party pooper and want to do the things they want to do and not the things Scheana wants to do because Scheana is so 2000-and-late.

Ariana and Tom spent up the butt for tickets to a NASCAR game (why) and Ariana’s worried that Lala not showing up is going to give everyone grounds to hate her. And she’s completely right. Brittany’s complaining to Jax that he didn’t sit next to her on the plane, and he just doesn’t like to spend all of his time with his significant other. I hate agreeing with Jax, but I’m a big fan of personal space and alone time when you can get it. Brittany decided to FaceTime Scheana and immediately tells Scheana that Lala didn’t come up to Sonoma. Scheana, of course, is mad because she couldn’t go on the trip because Lala took her space, but it’s okay because she’s in Montauk with three women who can’t stand her! Yay, Scheana! Brittany calls the Sonoma trip “a redneck dream”, to which I said, “I thought the 2016 election was a redneck’s dream.” I am so witty.

Lisa Vanderpump is obligated to appear in every episode of this show, so, of course, they call her from where she’s delegating Peter/Ray Romano as to what to do at Sexy Unique Restaurant that night. Ariana for some reason asks Lisa if she’d seen Lala under the guise of wondering if she came into work. Lisa is irritated for good reason - she gave Lala the night off and she’s not where she said she would be? We get a great reminder that Lala lies a lot - remember when she took a “modeling job” for time off while she really hung out on some old guy’s boat? - so Lisa doesn’t believe Lala. Ariana officially thinks Lala is shady and is over it.

The Heather Wannabes all gather on the beach in Montauk for drinks and sunbathing - y’all are from California - and Scheana’s not drinking because Stassi stole her straw and ice hurts her teeth.

You read that correctly: Scheana’s not drinking because Stassi stole her straw and ice hurts her teeth. Stassi takes offense to that, of course, because everyone should be drinking on her birthday. Stassi admits she’s happy Lala’s not around Tom Schwartz, a fact I pointed out last week because it really was shocking Katie allowed him to be alone with Lala. I loved Katie being like “Lala doesn’t wear underwear and likes skinny-dipping, so she’s a monster.”

You’re the goddamn monster, Katie. Ugh. She’s literally obsessed with Lala taking her top off one time in a pool, you’d think Lala walked around with her nipples poking everyone in the eye. Stassi admits they’re all haters, and I want her to acknowledge they’re worse than that. I’m a hater. They’re monsters.

I can’t think of which vacation I’d like to be on less.

Jax is still recovering from his boob job and apparently hasn’t washed his body or his wound since then, which is disgusting. Jax is basically really smelly, which makes sense since he’s a 600-year-old cadaver they found in a basement in New England. They’re at a winery because that’s pretty much all Northern California is. Ariana calls it a “high-class thing” to go to a winery but THEY showed up in a Winnebago so they’re edgy and different. I’ve returned to making fun of Ariana’s false sense of superiority. I still think she’s a babe, don’t get me wrong, and I also like a lot about her. She just has this constant need to other herself that drives me crazy.

Jax would rather be at a “vodka vineyard4”, and Tom described a wine as having a “semen finish”, which is both horrific and something I enjoy in my wine. In case you were wondering (we know you were), I like my white wines to taste like salt and my reds to taste like dirt. They drink Chardonnay and I VOMIT. CHARDONNAY IS THE WORST. Brittany doesn’t know the difference between Malbec and Maybach, but she does know sangria! Brittany is still the best. My boyfriend (who I don’t believe has ever watched a full episode of this show) agrees. Mostly because I asked “Do you agree?” and he knows better than to say no. They play cards to see who’s going to drink the leftover wine from the spittoon, and of course, Cool Girl Ariana Is One Of The Guys and is game to drink it. I gagged. Spit really grosses me out.

Back in Montauk, Kristen got shat on by a bird while simultaneously talking about her “perfect relationship”, which is why you don’t talk about your perfect relationships, people. She reads Stassi for FILTH when she tells her to shut up because Stassi doesn’t even have a boyfriend. I gasped aloud at that because it really is shady as hell to say to someone’s face. Scheana basically insinuates that Stassi may be acting the way she is because she had what she considered the dream and it all fell apart. Scheana won’t say karma’s a bitch because she doesn’t hold grudges and that…

Scheana gets 200 clapping hands emojis for that line. Scheana may just be pretty-ish but credit’s due somewhere.

Stassi basically cries because she’s the only single one on her birthday with her friends who are just telling her to go out and make out with someone. Can we get Stassi as the next Bachelorette?

OH GOD IT’S A JAMES SCENE. He shows up wearing glasses - probably fake, which reaffirms his place as The Devil - and a blazer, and apparently is two weeks sober and has replaced alcohol with ice cream. I hope someone’s fattening him up with the intention of cooking him. Like Joel McHale on Difficult People, a show you better be watching! James considers “rum raisin” to be exciting and pronounces espresso as “ex-presso”, so James is all of our aunts now. He’s meeting with Arthur, who’s the GM at Pump and is a good looking ass dude. Arthur drops some amazing, sound advice that James’ issues are deeper and different that what James says, but of course, James is just using him for a job connection instead of taking him at what seems to be a great, valid word. More Arthur, please.

Ariana’s wasted and having a grand oletime with Brittany, where they drank most of a bottle of tequila together, and Cool Girl Ariana is just happy to not have to run around in a pretty dress and makeup. Ariana’s not like other girls, she’s a cool girl. Apparently , Tom Sandoval and Ariana aren’t having sex, despite Tom really wanting to. Brittany and Jax don’t understand how that works but it’s really that simple - you just don’t want to go to Bonetown. That’s all. Sometimes sleeping feels great, too. Ariana makes a really offensive generalization about women only wanting to talk about tampons and makeup when really women talk about sex too. I get her intent here, I just wish she didn’t word it under such a misogynistic guise. Tom never gets to see Ariana being a wasted mess - putting ketchup on a steak, primarily - but they’re all loving it, as am I.

We’re at The Alley and Deck Bar in Montauk, where they’re deciding what to drink. Kristen’s saying “I’ll do whatever you want”, and Scheana’s worried about being hungover from one green tea shot. Kristen always regrets her choices so she drinks anyway, and Kristen is an all-star in this episode. Scheana basically admits she doesn’t want to drink sugary drinks because of her diet, which is respectable, and Katie “I Anger-Ate A Head of Iceberg Lettuce On Camera” Maloney and Kristen share the shot Scheana took a sip of. Ugh. They do a shot with some older dudes who wants to hang out with them later, blah blah blah. They also flirt with some cute dude whose only flaw is he’s interested in Katie and wearing a fedora. Katie steals a grapefruit before they leave.

Has anything happened in this episode, either?

Over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, James is visiting Max and Lisa and spills the T about what happened to Lala. Basically, Lala’s dickmatized and kind of being held hostage by her boyfriend. She’s afraid of her mysterious boyfriend about whom she can’t speak to other people, and that’s terrifying. Poor Lala.

Katie calls Tom Schwartz and is thrilled that she actually sounds happy to hear from him. Lala comes up again and of course Katie’s like “she’s a whore, I am validated in treating her terribly!” and Stassi’s like “She’s sucking alien dick!” Knowing what we know now about Lala, this joke is mildly horrific. Alien abduction =/= emotional abuse. Everyone’s going to bed and Tom and Ariana are being sweet. We get to relive Tom telling Ariana he’d rather ride bulldozers with his boy friends than be with her on her birthday.

Back in Montauk, Stassi, Kristen, and Katie are going to run into the ocean naked and Scheana refuses to. They do so, there’s a lighthouse directed directly on them (as well as a camera crew and lights) and everyone on a balcony sees. So Lala is a slut for taking her top off in Hawaii, but Katie can run topless into the ocean in front of a balcony of people. Katie is the actual worst. Her logic when she’ll inevitably get called out for this? “No one’s boyfriend was around!” Well:

There is a camera crew probably full of people in relationships there in addition to those on said balcony and

Also, remember when you streaked with Jax around?

There's actually nothing shameful about the human body, toplessness is pretty much fine in a lot of countries outside the US and no one loses their minds and

Men aren't slobbering dogs and can control themselves around women

Katie is and always has been a varsity level misogynist slut shamer.

Next Week: More birthday shenanigans! Jax treats Brittany like shit! Stassi’s trolling for dudes! Lala quits?!? NO.

See you tomorrow for The Bachelor!

Random Thoughts From The Desk of Amanda:

Brittany’s gold choker in the talking head looks like a dog collar.

That scream you heard was me laughing at Kristen for admitting she literally does nothing.

My boyfriend says there’s literally no reason to fly to Montauk/The Hamptons from LA unless “you’re going to be Billy Joel’s house guest.” JUST GO TO OJAI.

I just realized I’m a year older than Stassi was when she started this show. Are my friends this messy? (Yes, but not to each other.) I’m doing something wrong.

Ugh, Kristen came across so well in this episode.

Who did the braids in the Montauk trip?!

Stassi’s spray tan is so horrific.

OFFICIALLY COMING IN A FEW WEEKS: THE AMERICA’S NEXT TOP BEST FRIEND PODCAST. Come join us!

You know who you are. I’m calling you out via the internet blogging gods. ↩︎

I also give her a pass for dating someone who “farts like crazy”. It’s a hard life to live, and I do it myself. ↩︎

I love that they’re milking that “Schwartz pours a beer on Katie” clip so hard this season. ↩︎

It’s called a potato field, Jax. ↩︎