#oh no end of 2020 i finished a long one just in december

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

i am once again writing fanfic on new years eve

[vgperson]

What Did I Do In 2023?

Whatever I wanted, mostly.

----

As I mentioned last year, my site now has an RSS feed with basically everything I've done back to 2020, so this will mainly be going over the same stuff from that, just with added context.

In January, I finally sat down and properly realized an idea for a short story I'd had sitting around for a while: From the Sidelines, about a fantasy RPG expedition going sideways. I remain very proud of it in both concept and execution, and hope people read it.

In February, Your Turn To Die was released on Steam Early Access, receiving character profiles and some bonus mini-episodes, adding two more later in the year.

After finishing From the Sidelines, I carried that momentum to revisit my Ut0p1a story series about funny computer animals. I'd always meant to continue it - and conclude it - but hadn't been satisfied with the ideas I had for it until totally rethinking them this year. In March, I posted the remaining stories one after another: Right to Code and Left to Code. I'm very proud of these as well. Also in March, Kenshi Yonezu released LADY. (Video, interview)

In April, Uri released the Data Book of the Strange Men Series, a big collection of the writing she's done on the games in the series, with a lot of new parts as well, all translated by me.

Then in May... uh, well, let's see. In April, Capcom released the Mega Man Battle Network Legacy Collection. I always adored the Battle Network games, and was initially excited that they finally did the thing... but by the time it came out, I was pretty disappointed by how, while you certainly couldn't call them low-effort ports, the effort didn't extend everywhere I thought it should, with the biggest offenders being the total absence of any "convenience features" except Buster Max Mode, the bad font, and the almost entirely untouched translations.

So, I ended up deciding I might as well just replay the originals, and that was a fun time (aside from the parts that were bad). Doing this, I couldn't help but notice how... turbulent the translations were, even if I'd always known they were less than ideal. I mean, the first two games just used periods for ellipses despite the tight character limits, then in BN3 they had an ellipsis character... but it's center-aligned, Japanese-style? Aside from the intro, which has normal ones? Gosh, somebody should fix that - it's simple enough to find and edit in YY-CHR. "JapanMan" is silly, too - I wonder if anybody made a patch for that? Wait, what do you mean there's just a tool to extract and insert text in all the Battle Network games including the Legacy Collection???

Thus began a journey that sort of occupied the rest of my year. First I did the BN3 Translation Revision, trying not to worry too much about cross-referencing the Japanese text unless something seemed wrong, so that I didn't spend too long on the project. Then I began to consider BN2, with its unfortunate "foreigner" text that would need some more significant reworking. I established more convenient tools for comparing with the Japanese script, and thus did a much more thorough job with it, releasing the BN2 Translation Revision in June (AKA Princess Pride Month).

Finally, after giving myself time to recover and actually finish replaying the series, I knew what I had to do to close things out. With the BN4 Translation Revision, you can finally play Battle Network 4 with a translation that isn't such a mess. Whether you'd want to is for you to decide, though if you can get over the structure, I don't think it's the worst game in the series by any means. (Oh, and in December I also updated the BN3 Revision to 1.1, doing a thorough pass with the methods I'd honed. But I think I'm pretty much good on MMBN translations now.)

Anyway, backtracking to other things that happened during my Battle Network haze... June had Kenshi Yonezu's Moongazing (video, interview), and July had Globe (video, interview, interview).

Last but not least, released in November, I translated Refind Self: The Personality Test Game, a short game from Lizardry (creator of 7 Days to End with You) with a fun concept.

----

Obviously I was right to have said "no promises" last year. But really, Your Turn To Die should get its final part on Steam sometime next year, maybe even early-ish in it. That's certainly the goal.

I'm also hoping to buckle down and finish one of my own games, but as usual, who knows how that'll pan out. Letting my whims carry me this year let me finally finish From the Sidelines and Ut0p1a, which was great, and it also led me down a Battle Network rabbit hole, which was... fine, but definitely for a narrower audience. I'd always like to get back to more free game translations and the like, too, but it takes effort to find things I'd want to translate. For now, I think my increasing desire to be able to let loose some of these original games I've been planning, and the stories in them, might come out on top.

[dorkfruit]

i put this together using my computer's trackpad so the new year is already starting out . bad .

posts: J | F | M | A | M | J | J | A | S | O | N | D

template

reflections on the year, my plans for the future, some studies i did, and wips for the next year all down below for those who are interested

tldr; we will be ianthing next year so watch out!!

oh dear lord it's been another year. 2024! can you believe it! i don't talk much on this blog because i have a tendency to talk too much, but it's my little new year's treat, so here we go.

RECAP

i started taking drawing "seriously" in December of 2020, starting to do studies and stuff, and each year since i've ramped it up more and more. this year, i did. a lot of studies. there's probably like at least 200 more in my folder now (not including the 300 days worth of gesture drawings i did), with things like painting, faces, feet, poses, etc. anything i was struggling with, i went right into studying it. my art has been mediocre for a pretty long time now, and it's only the past few months where i feel i'm starting to get the hang of it, which is exciting!

more importantly, i started posting a lot more on this blog. i really like documenting my progress, looking on where i was before and seeing how i've improved. everytime i draw some fanart, im like, oooghh i can't wait to show my (: followers (: !! lots of locked tomb art of course. i've been trying to nail the energy of the different characters, which is why i enjoy books so much, because you get a lot of creative control. drawing ianthe is my fav of course, cause she's my lil nasty, but also i enjoyed doing designs for characters i hadnt thought about before, like judith.

in addition to the locked tomb, we had some new fandoms that got brief moments in between iantheposting: Fear and Hunger, Postal, Faith The Unholy Trinity, and a couple of old ones too, like We Have Always Lived In The Castle and The Merciless.

i posted about 115 times this year, although most of those are shitposts LOL i love posting stuff on my blog and showing people my stuff <3

THE FUTURE

my plans? do more ianthe art, of course. ill be working on more studies, probably going to work on developing a style, and figuring out how to paint. i'd like to do more actually finished pieces, but let's be honest, it'll still be mostly shitpost doodles. i'd like to do more weird stuff. i've been messing around with some gore and NSFW near the end of the year, and it's fun to draw for me. i like idk art that evokes some type of emotion, especially discomfort, and so i find that type of art fun to do, so if you don't enjoy what i've done thus far in that direction, perhaps this isn't the blog for you. i really like horror media, and so i want to do some stuff like that too.

for specifics, i like western type art, a comic book-esque style i'd like to aim for. but i'd like it to be a little more. weird with it. i find comic books often draw all the characters the same, and make all the characters traditionally attractive, and that's boring to me so i'll have to work on finding a way to keep things weird, while also appealing in a graphic sense. the worst thing my art could be is bland and forgettable.

locked tomb wise... more tridentarii art. need to be really weird with it. i have lots of wips planned, like i have a whole page worth of just thumbnails, so i wanna get some of those done. also i had a few animatics i wanted to do. mostly stupid shit, once i learn how to do animatics, then we'll do actual serious ones. id also like to do more comics. i have some comics storyboarded out with my girlies, i like telling a story so, need practice on that. id also like to develop a way to consistently draw them, for convenience sakes, so i'm not fighting for my life every single time i draw these characters. oh and i wanna do some outfit stuff. i draw them in like. generic clothes everytime but i'd like to come up with a few actual outfit designs, that i can just reference back to. and, of course, more shitposts. lots of stupid shit in 2024 for sure. there was something else i wanted to say here but i can't remember.

ART

oki enough rambling, here's some IMAGES for yall to look at i know everyone loves to look at images.

began this year by warming up with gesture sketches (almost) every day. i started with 20 poses (30 seconds each), and then in november i was like. ugh my hands suck i need to get better at hands, so i switched to doing 10 hand sketches (60 seconds each). i want my art to be very energetic so it's important that i do these !!

anatomy studies of extremities because i'm flopping at those -_- ive gotten better with hands but they're still a struggle. i hate feet tho still

need to get my painting game up. i joined an art forum to get advice, and the biggest suggestion i got was working on my values, so i did various value studies. also lots of faces because my faces flop !!

random doodles to work on drawing from imagination. on my "sketchbook" pages, as i like to call them, i'm usually pretty loose and messy, since the point is just to be drawing so often these will suck, but that's fine. i don't think very much when i draw faces on here either so they end up being in my Instinctive Style i suppose you could say

ianthe wip. i was planning to do a few drawings based on the idea of her having Missing Arm nightmares, but the lineart was intimidating to me so i haven't worked on this one more yet /: also there was going to be a toontown gay homosexual toxic yuri comic that i was gonna put here with it but the page is way too long so umm guess that'll have to wait.

...

anyways. thank you for reading if you got to the bottom of this! i appreciate all the support that i've been getting lately (extra big kissies for the same like 5 people who always reblog my posts youre the best). and we will be ianthing soo hard in 2024 so watch out!!

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

2020 Collar x Malice Christmas Side Story English translation

merry xmas!

I finally managed to finish this... after asking about this being translated more than a year ago though it doesn't help that this was waaaaaaay longer than I thought it would be (plus i was busy since my family is hosting xmas, sorry!).😅 going to focus on deemo the day after tomorrow maybe... then my queue for next year. hopefully...?

anyway, enjoy!

OTOMATE Christmas 2020 Collar×Malice SS

Translation by KumoriYami

*The settings of this SS are inconsistent with the main game, and uses the setting from the ~Challenge from the Phantom Thief Adonis~ drama.

——December, 20XX.

Shinjuku, which was bustling with people, was able to to welcome another peaceful day today. Occasionally, there were some fights and quarrels that broke out in the streets everyday so the people in Yanagi Aiji's detective firm were also running around today.

Enomoto:….It's a request to investigate an extramarital affair again~ it's so terribly sad, why do we have to stay in front of the hotel to monitor couples…

Yanagi: It's good to have a request during this downturn. That being said, the success of this commission will largely depend on your mobility… Sorry, Enomoto.

Enomoto: I'm happy to be relied on by Yanagi-senpai.. Anyway, to cheat on Christmas, what on earth are they thinking? It's so wonderful to be in love together.

Shiraishi: There are many couples who break up at Christmas, for example those who accidently discover the other party's bad sides, and want to change their frame of mind before the new year, and there is also the possibility of finding out the cheating happening for a long time, and taking the opportunity to find their true love. It's a simple idea, isn't it?

Enomoto: Is it that simple…? To have someone to spend Christmas with is a luxury! Those people who are cheating or determining their destinies, really have no dreams!

Sasazuka: Don't worry, none of these things have anything to do with you.

Enomoto: I might have a chance this year!? That's right, on a snowy white Christmas… a beautiful woman speaking to me on a street... "I want to go to a party, but I'm lost…"

Sasazuka: And then he was taken away for a suspicious discussion, the end.

Shiraishi: I'm under the impression that the other party would extort you into buying them an expensive pot in the guise of a Christmas gift.

Enomoto:……At least!! Let me imagine it!!

Yanagi: You guys…. do your work seriously, Hoshino is resting today, and there are lot of things that haven't been dealt with yet.

Sasazuka: That guy's absence won't affect my productivity.

Enomoto: You're being like that again~ you're so dishonest…. Ah, someone's here, is it a courier? Come in, come in——

Kazuki:......Hello everyone.

Enomoto: Oh, isn't this Hoshino's younger brother? What's wrong?

Kazuki: I heard her say that she accidently brought documents from work back, though she's asleep right now.

Yanagi: Ah, Hoshino sent me a text message asking me to get them, we were supposed to pick them up.

Kazuki: It doesn’t matter, I didn't have anything to do anyway, and was going to a nearby store, so I came here.

Enomoto: Wa-Wait a moment, Hoshino's brother, it's rare for you to come here, so have some tea before leaving.

Kazuki:...Are you trying to draw out what my sister likes from me?

Enomoto: Hey, that sort of caution, you aren't lacking any of it…!

Kazuki:...Pfft, these sort of agendas are completely unhidden, you aren't a bad person either… and the opposite of someone with fiendish eyes.

Sasazuka: It's too annoying to target each word, rebellious phase.

Kazuki: Who's in their rebellious phase…! The one I don't trust the most is you.

Okazaki: Don't worry, otōto-kun, he's more or less a bit twisted, but everyone is a good person

Kazuki: It's definitely better than my first impression… huh? What's with you, where did you come from?

Okazaki: Ahaha, everyone here knows about this, so don't mind it.

Shiraishi：I mean, we're just asking him about Christmas presents, right?

Yanagi: Indeed, it's more efficient than us worrying and troubling ourselves over it.

Kazuki:...What do you mean?

——As a result, Yanagi and the others explained to the entire matter to Kazuki.

Christmas is coming, and while wanting to buy her a gift since she's been working hard, they however did not know what to buy. Kazuki sighed impatiently after listening to the general gist of the matter.

Yanagi: You're siblings, so you must have exchanged Christmas gifts, right?

Kazuki: I did when I was younger, but haven't recently… this sort of thing is really embarrassing.

Shiraishi: Then what did you give her when you were a kid?

Kazuki:......Cat plushies, and things like that.

Shiraishi: Eh, that's more tasteful than I imagined, in any case, I also want to receive a cat plush as a gift.

Yanagi: Don’t go off topic… Then, do you know what she's been wanting recently?

Kazuki: How did I know that… Ah, she said she wanted to buy a new frying pan.

Yanagi:…Kitchenware, huh, I also happen to buy a new one, and it's actually not difficult to choose.

Kazuki: She also said that she wanted a new cutting board...

Enomoto: So homely…! But, you should consider the other person’s preferences and habits when choosing.

Sasazuka: If you're going to say that, it'll be endless, giving gifts is purely an act of self-gratification, and no matter how much you worry about it, it'll be useless so it’s best for everyone to just give what they want.

Enomoto: No way! No sneaking out of this! What if one of us gives her a present that captivates her!

Okazaki: Enomoto-kun…it's a bit confusing for you to say that.

Enomoto: You're the one who needs the most attention, right?! You must be the type to ask a girl to a high-end restaurant/hotel with a night view!?

Okazaki: Alright, I'll sneak off to plan a secret date when you're not paying attention.

Enomoto: I said not to sneak away!!

Kazuki: Hey, are you guys so free that you're arguing about what gifts to buy like this, or is this place about to go out of business?

Yanagi: I get what you're saying, but everyone here is very capable and does a good job.

Kazuki: Hmph… It's true that if you work hard, you can earn a lot of impression points.

Okazak: Putting aside your sister, what sort of gift would you give to a girl you liked, Kazuki?

Kazuki:...........A ring, or something like that?

Enomoto: Th-That's so hardcore!?

Okazaki: Wow, I didn't expect you to be the type bind someone.

Kazuki: Many girls in my classes who are clamoring to receive rings. If you aren't dating the other person, it wouldn't be bad to give them earrings.

Sasazuka: I see, you're a pretentious person in front of other people, while you cling to your sister at home.

Kazuki: You guys are so infuriating… I'm pretty normal, alright?

Yanagi: Okay okay, he's still a high school student, and is at the age to bs sensitive to love.

Shiraishi: Could it be that you've experienced it? When Yanagi-kun was in high school, in order to save his kidnapped girlfriend, didn't he rush into the enemy's base by himself and cause a huge fuss?

Yanagi: Where did you learn about that?

Shiraishi: Enomoto-kun borrowed my manga that depicted the story of a protagonist who stood up to protect his girlfriend and was reincarnated into another world.

Okazaki: I'm a bit concerned about the future developments, so can you let me borrow it so I can take a look?

Kazuki:...Hey, the more you guys talk, the more off-topic you get, you guys are too free.

Enomoto: Ah, sorry! So, um, a Christmas present to give Hoshino…

In this way, everyone began having a heated discussion about what to give as a gift. After consulting Kazuki's suggestions, they prepared themselves and waited for Christmas to arrive.

——A few days later, it was Christmas day.

Once work ended, the office was filled with delicious food and adorned with Christmas decorations when the doorbell rang. Hoshino, who had gone out to buy something, had probably returned, and Enomoto hurriedly walked towards the door.

Ichika: He-Hello, um… there's an express delivery.

Enomoto: What, it's a courier. Hm? This voice…

Enomoto was astounded as he opened the door, and was powerful sight appeared before his eyes.

Enomoto: UAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

Sasazuka: Shut up, that's like the scream before death…——Ha?

Everyone was drawn to Enomoto's screeching, and all looked towards the door.

Standing in the doorway were two people dressed in red Christmas outfits.

Ichika: Everyone, Merry Christmas！

Kazuki: Eh, why me too....

Yanagi: Hoshino… and Kazuki, why are you dressed like this?

Ichika: Um, to thank everyone who is striving to protect the city's peace, Sana Claus came to give everyone presents!...I suddenly dressed up like this, and everyone started to laugh

Enomoto: Wh-What are you saying!? How can we laugh! Christmas COS!? Thumbs up!! Amazing!! No…………it's the best in the universe!!

Shiraishi: Hehe, Enomoto completely short-circuited, like a broken robot.

Sasazuka: So, who's idea was this?

Ichika:…Okazaki-san gave me this idea…

Kazuki: At first this guy was just worrying about what sort of Christmas gift to buy for his coworkers and came to me for advice. As a result, I somehow fell for the unorthodox SP's trap and things ended up like this.

Okazaki: Don't say that, I just gave my own opinions for what would definitely make Yanagi-san and everyone else feel happy.

Yanagi: Okazaki… it was you after all, although your opinions this time were quite serious.

Enomoto: It's better to say that this was done beautifully! This is Christmas COS…! Santa Claus has arrived——!

Sasazuka: Calm down a little, why don't you let Shiraishi give you an injection of anesthesia?

Enomoto: Don't treat me like I'm some animal!? That's a genuine crime!

Shiraishi: It's not impossible, but I'd have to carefully calculate the dosage because he's so sturdy. Having said that, everyone's reaction is subtle except for Enomoto, Yanagi-kun, don't you feel happy?

Yanag: Huh? No, I'm not happy...

Ichika: So-Sorry! For an adult to dress up in Santa Clause COS, it's so shameful, I'll go change my clothes…!

Everyone: Wait.

Kazuki:......Everyone's urging you to stop? Even that Sasazuka with a bad attitude…… (Just now, did d everyone think the same thing at the same time?)

Sasazuka: It'd be a shame to not have Santa Claus for Christmas.

Enomoto: Right, right! Without you, we can't have Christmas!

Shiraishi: Santa Claus sneaks in through the chimney, right? Why does you dress so conspicuously? Red is such a distinct colour, it's like deliberately trying to draw people's attention… they have a tendency towards committing theatrical crimes.

Okazaki:....Don't worry, this outfit ~really ~ suits you. Yanagi-kun and the others were just captivated by it, and their minds crashed blanked out instantly, right. You all have to say what you really think, otherwise they'll be too pitiful.

Ichika: Okazaki-san, your words seem a bit artificial...

Kazuki: Anyway, we didn't need your ideas about Christmas COS at all. We're just pandering to the holiday ambience, that's all.

Enomoto: I've been giving compliments since the start, right!? Hoshino… and Hoshino's younger brother… Thank you for bringing me the miracle of Christmas… I'm so moved right now

Ichika: Really? It's great if you're happy.

Kazuki: That person's reactions was too drastic, it's too disgusting.

Yanagi: Anyway, you prepared this Christmas surprise for us. We've also set up the place here, so let's let’s start the Christmas party.

Ichika：Uh, if possible, can we give these first…

Kazuki: These gifts are pretty heavy.

Yanagi: Ah, I'm sorry, I'll accept it with gratitude.

Ichika: Then, First... is Yanagi-san. Thank you for always leading us as the director of the detective agency, and it's thank to Yanagi-san's calm and cool judgements, that we're able to handle our work with a peace of mind when we encounter difficulties.

Yanagi:...Hoshino.... I would like to thank you for attenuative assistance all this time, which allowed me to operate operations smoothly, and I hope you will continue to advise me in the future.

Ichika: Please advice me too! Next up is Shiraishi-san. When I saw Shiraishi-san solve difficult cases through your keen observations, almost like magic… I have great respect for how experienced and knowledgeable side. However, please don't always tease me!

Shiraishi: That's because the way your expressions change is so very interesting, and I'm not teasing you, I'm just observing your reactions while we talk, from this perspective, it can be considered that you're helping me

Okazaki: Shiraishi-san is also an amazing tsundere.

Ichika: Hehe. The next one is for Sasazuka-san, your strict advice has given me confidence, and although it's sometimes quite Spartan, I still know that it's the manifestation of your kindness. Thank you for your help as always.

Sasazuka:…80 points, keep up with me, and don’t fall behind.

Ichika: Alright! The next is for Enomoto-san. You've always been a joy to have around the office, and have created a relaxing and cheerful atmosphere, furthermore, you still always help me make up for the mistakes I accidently make while I'm working… I'm so fortunate such a gentle senpai looking after me!

Enomoto: !! O-Obviously I'm the one who's being healed! Wah…. Terrible, there's sweat coming from my eyes… For me, you've been such an excellent kouhai! Hoshino! Let's continue to work hard to protect peace in the city!

Kazuki: Wow, he seems to be really crying… Is this person okay?

Ichika: Next is Okazaki-san, thank you for your continued commissions. Thanks to you, the detective agency has been slowly been able to develop properly.

Okazaki; Wow, you also got me a gift too? But, only my speech was very official, which feels a bit lonely….

Ichika: Um, you've always been willing to help me solve my problems, which has been a great help. Not only do I feel embarrassed about always asking you to take me home at night… can I ask that you please continue?

Okazaki: Of course, you are super welcome, as being relied upon by you is a reward in itself for me.

Sasazuka: That guy is the number one sneaker.

Yanagi:...It's fine if you have a good relationship, but don't trust Okazaki too much, as there are times he sends you home as an excuse, when he actually has ulterior motives.

Okazaki: Yes, yes, Yanagi-otō-san, don't be jealous of me

Ichika: And... lastly, I want to give a gift to Kazuki.

Kazuki: Huh? Give to me?

Ichika: Yes, thank you for everything, and although it's a bit embarrassing, I'm very happy to be your sister, and will continue to advise/look after you in the future!

Kazuki:…………

Sasazuka: Don't cry, otōto.

Kazuki: I'm not crying!….I'm just going to say…. being your brother, is truly great…. Thank you, onee-san.

Ichika: Kazuki...!

Shiraishi:...Hey, I'm almost being blinded by this beautiful sister and brother relationship, but don't forget that we're still here.

Ichika: Eh?

Enomoto: Shi-Shiraishi-san, look at the mod before you speak! Let them enjoy the moment for a while!

Sasazuka: It's useless to pretend that you can't see, that'll just be more awkward.

Yanagi: Yeah, that's true. Hoshino, this is our Christmas gift to you from us and Kazuki.

Ichika: Eh.... everyone got me a present!? Even Kazuki...

Sasazuka: It's to thank you for your continued efforts, so remember that you're not the only one who wants to express their gratitude.

Okazaki: Hehe, it's rare to see such a straightforward Takeru-kun, with the implication being that you like Ichika-chan the most, right?

Sasazuka: Don't interpret my thoughts without my permission.

Shiraishi: Although your abiliites are insuficicent, and require us to teach you many things, it would be very problematic if you suddenly disappeared. In other words, we find comparable value from you

Enomoto: Shiraishi-san, your talking around in circles too much. What we mean is that you are necessary existence to us, so thank you everything!

Ichika: Everyone... thank you!

Yanagi: Kazuki also helped us with picking out the gifts together, and although we had our own opinions, I thought this gift was a good choice.

Ichika: Kazuki, when did you...

Kazuki: Because you guys are so serious…. How do I put it, you all said that you wanted to give each other a Christmas surprise, which really bothered me a lot, so my position was to be like Cupid.

Enomoto: You're right, you two are like angels that descended down to the earth…! Yosh! I’m going to drink a lot today——! Kanpai——!

Sasazuka: I'm hungry, and would rather eat than drink. Hey Enomoto, that spot is mine.

Shiraishi: Ah, my Christmas gift is a cat plush. I see. Was that part of the investigation?

Okazaki: Haha, everyone's like kids enjoying Christmas.

Yanagi: It's good to relax once in a while, Hoshino, the food's almost ready, can you help me decorate it? As expected, I still need your help.

Ichika: Okay!

——In December, it snowed in Shinjuku.

On this peaceful street, this warm Christmas Eve continued.

----end---

sorry i meant to translate this earlier... but my eyes were having issues. they're still feeling a tad irritated though they're significantly better compared to when it started last saturday though.

Anyway, since this was content from one of Otomate's website, i have made this post un-bloggable (standard for me to do that when it's something from one of their websites), and I made a few adjustments to this based on the what names some of the characters use to address one another in the game... not sure if those changes are completely accurate since I haven't touched CxM for a while.

[rip-us-xoxo]

Waterloo- Fred Weasley x Reader (REPOST)

Posted DECEMBER 10, 2020

Reposted APRIL 16, 2023

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Warnings- not proof read very well (or, at all, really)

A/n- This is my literal DREAM to do this with Fred (or anyone who’ll do it with me)

Based off of “Waterloo” by Abba, but I like the Mamma Mia version better, so is based higher off of that

——————————————————————————

Fred Singing- Italicized

You singing- Bold 

You both signing- Bold and Italicized

——————————————————————————

It was a normal evening at Hogwarts, students gathered in the Great Hall for dinner, eating whatever they could after a long day of school. Fred and George had just finished another day of mischief and were walking to join the others. 

When Fred entered the Great Hall he took in his surroundings before walking, with a slight bounce, to go sit next to his beloved, you. Y/n Y/l/n, the girl who stole Fred Weasley’s Heart. Once he gave a few of his mates high fives, he walked over to you and practically tackled you from behind to hug you. 

You giggled quietly, “Hiya Freddie,”. “Hello my lovely little sunbeam,” he greeted and kissed your cheek before sitting next to you. His beaming smile dropped a bit when he saw your face, it was like you were in a sad daze. 

Now he was wondering if that giggle you had given him a few seconds ago was even real. 

“What’s wrong Y/n?” he asked and gently caressed your knuckles. “Hm? Oh, nothing,” you brushed off his question before gloomily stabbing your fork into your food in front of you. He frowned even more and poked your shoulder. 

“Fred, stop,” you groaned and moved your shoulder to shake off the feeling. “Well. I’m. Not. Going. To. Stop. Until. You. Tell. Me. What. Is. Bo. ther. ing. You.” he said while poking your shoulder in between every word. 

“Well, there is nothing wrong so you’ll just have to annoy me until I want nothing to do with you anymore,” you told him and gave him a playful-serious look at the end and put your face right in front of his face. You could never get so annoyed with him that you two would split, but he sure was annoying you a bit. 

He closed the distance between you and gave you a small peck before standing up. “Alright, you asked for it,” he said. “What do you mean-? Fred! Get down!” you shouted as he stood on the Gryffindor table in front of you. 

“Accio radio!” he shouted. Soon a radio came flying into his hands. He spent a few seconds changing the channels, cursing under his breath for the time it was taking. His face lit up once he finally found a song that you both knew and turned it up. 

Your flushed red with embarrassment once you heard the music, it was a song you and Fred have blasted in the common room while everyone was sleeping, you two would always put a silencing charm around you two on these nights because you didn’t want someone to come and yell at you to shut it off in the middle of your jam session. 

“My, my!” Fred sang and grabbed a baguette off of the table. “At Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender,” he waved around a white flag in the air, “Where did that come from?” you laughed. He just winked at you before motioning for you to join him, “Oh yeah! And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way.”. 

You shook your head while laughing. He rolled his eyes and grabbed your hands, “The history book on the shelf-” he pulled you up, “Oh!” you squealed, “-is always repeating itself. Waterloo!” he handed you a baguette, “I was defeated, you won the war”. You playfully stabbed him in the chest with the end of the baguette, causing him to fall over dramatically. 

“Waterloo!” he jumped up to sit on one knee, “Promise to love you forever more.” 

“Waterloo!” you both sang while you helped him up. “Couldn’t escape if I wanted to,” you sang while he pulled you close to him, “Waterloo! Knowing my fate is to be with you,” he sang which made you blush. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” you stepped back from him but he pulled you back and spun you. “Waterloo!” he dipped you, “Finally facing my Waterloo.”. 

Then an instrumental part started playing, to which Fred made you dance with him. All of the others were laughing while watching this unfold. You were embarrassed, but you were also having the time of your life so you were all smiles with the brightest shade of red across your face. Fred made you do some odd tango with him down the table before turning around and doing it the other way. Fred’s long hair was flying in the wind as he was looking upward. 

“My, my!” he sang suddenly, making you jump a bit, “I tried to hold you back but you were stronger!” he sang and started play-fighting with you so you played along by play fighting him back. “Oh yeah!” Fred jumped off of the table and pointed to you. 

“And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight,” you said and dramatically placed the back of your hand on your forehead. “And how could I ever refuse?” you sang and looked at him while holding your heart before winking and starting to spin down the table, “I feel like I win when I lose!”. 

You squealed as you were stopped by Fred, “Waterloo! I was defeated you won the war!” he sang while sword fighting using the baguette against a non-existent opponent while holding your hand. 

“Waterloo!” he dropped down to his knees, “Promise to love you forever more!” he made a heart with his hands before rolling backwards. The sight was hilarious, but he was your Freddie, so you, once again, went along with it. 

“Waterloo!” you sang and walked toward him, “Couldn’t escape if I wanted to!”. “Waterloo! Knowing my fate is to be with you!” that line made your heart flutter. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Waterloo!” you sang while trying to hide your huge smile. “Finally facing my Waterloo,” he winked before grabbing your hand and spinning you into his arms, making your back press against his chest, “So how could I ever refuse? I feel like I win when I lose!” you both sang while swaying back and forth. 

“Waterloo, couldn’t escape if I wanted to,” you spun out of his chest, “Waterloo, knowing my fate is to be with you,” you sang while making a ‘come here’ motion with your pointer finger. He got on his hands and knees and crawled towards you, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” you pulled him up with a yank, “Waterloo! Finally facing my Waterloo!”. 

“Oo, oo, oo, oo,” you both hummed with big smiles while looking in each others eyes and dancing around each other. “Waterloo! Knowing my fate is to be with you!” Fred gave you a big kiss on the cheek, distracting you from what you were doing and spun you into him once more before dipping you and bringing your head back up to kiss him firmly. Your hands got lost in his hair while everyone was cheering you both on. 

When you both pulled away, you looked over to see McGonagall looking very disappointed at you both. “Detention Mr. Weasley and Ms. Y/l/n,” she told you both before walking away. 

You both looked at each other while giggling, “Worth it?” Fred asked and pulled you out of his arms. “Worth it,” you confirmed before giving him a final peck on the cheek.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

xoxo

[aleyn-de-vries]

Diabolik Lovers: Rebirth And Royalty Chapter 1

NA. Hello, first written post, I think hahaha. Well I decided to create a fanfic of Kino and my OC that I have been putting off for a LONG LONG time and probably after this chapter I will put it off again because university takes up time (Understand, please). But well, here is the first written chapter. Unfortunately Kino won't appear so soon because these first chapters focus on Carolyne adapting to the life of the ghouls, so, enjoy.

Chapter 1: The Day That Everything Ended

It was the rainy season in the valleys of Cochabamba, after the December holidays. It was the night of January 15, 2020 to be precise. A girl with blue hair and a silver streak was trying to walk as best she could. With a broken ankle and supporting herself with a grab stick, it was not a good strategy to wander through the valley at night, especially since she did not know the environment where she fell. The sounds of nocturnal birds such as owls singing or the sound of crickets and toads could also be heard, which was the only thing that accompanied the young woman in this thick darkness. The phone she had had no signal and the battery was running out. If only she could find the Cochabamba - Oruro highway and wait for a bus that could take her back to Cochabamba or to the nearest town for medical attention. But with each step she took, the young woman did not know if she was getting closer or further away from civilization. It was supposed to be a memorable reunion. Her brother Kevin was the one who came to visit from Miami to see the rest of the family and also to go to the funeral of their maternal grandmother who passed away in Cochabamba. Both Carolyne and Kevin traveled from La Paz and Miami respectively to go to the funeral. Both of their parents and maternal aunt were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the Gomez brothers, who only had to board a flight from Cochabamba - La Paz that was supposed to take 30 minutes at the latest. The young woman began to remember everything that happened to get to the point where she is.

Let's go back a couple of hours, it was 6 in the afternoon at the Jorge Wilstermann airport. Both siblings were listening to music while waiting for the next flight that would take them to their family. Kevin was more of an electronic music fan, while Carolyne listened to a band called “Rise Against,” a band he became a fan of after playing one of their songs “Prayer of the Refugee” on “Guitar Hero 3” and the song “Re-education (Through Labor)” on “Guitar Hero World Tour.”

“Carolyne, could you pay attention for a moment?” Kevin asked the girl who was listening to the music.

“Of course I'm listening to you, am I paying a lot of attention to you?” Carolyne replied.

“Then tell me, which of the gifts are you going to give to the aunt and which is yours?” Kevin asked, somewhat annoyed.

“Auntie gets the necklace and I get the sweater?” Carolyne asked curiously, frustrating her brother in the process.

“It’s the other way around, kid,” Kevin said, annoyed.

“Oh, right, so that's it,” Carolyne replied.

“Oh, when will you change? You’re always in your own world. "Wake up, you're going to be a college student soon!" her older brother asked her.

Young Carolyne was a kind, quiet girl with few friends. She always liked to stay at home reading a fantasy book or a programming book, since the Academic Proficiency Test (APT) exams were just around the corner, which would determine Carolyne's future.

“Well, you are starting a new stage. You will take your exam for the college you want to go to, you will go to college at one of the best universities in Bolivia… And when you finish everything, we will do the paperwork for your American residency so that you have better opportunities in life.”

Indeed. Her brother moved to Miami as soon as he graduated from school, having been born there, and he took their mother with him to attend residency. All that was left was to save a lot and for Carolyne to finish her degree so that she could have a prosperous life. It seemed like the perfect plan when…

Two people were talking at a distance, they were the pilot and the traffic control. The traffic control man warned that a small radar was not working, but if the flight was wanted it could depart calmly, it was only a matter of visual planning. With that in mind, the pilots thought it was a better idea for the plane to take off that same night, after all, everyone had already paid for their tickets and the flight was only 30 minutes long. So they decided to board all the passengers and the flight took off. Apparently there were no problems… But as the saying goes, it is better to waste a minute in life than life in a minute. Meanwhile, on the plane, Carolyne looked at the landscape outside and Kevin was sitting next to her.

“I hope these days turn out to be better, Carol. You promised grandma at the funeral that you would do your best,” Kevin said and the girl just nodded.

“I am so excited! I want to see my dad, my mom and my aunt,” Carolyne said.

“So, tell me, what do you plan to study? Remember that you are already 18 years old,” the older brother asked her.

“What I plan to study is…”, the girl was interrupted by a sudden movement.

The plane had the bad luck of entering a storm cloud, so they decided to go inside. Suddenly, there was a jolt, then another stronger than the previous one. The wind shears, also called turbulence, were trying to destabilize the flight and the desperate screams of the passengers were getting louder. Kevin asked Carolyne to imitate what he did when a thunderclap hit the side where Carolyne was sitting, causing her chair and seat to come off the plane. The girl could only watch nervously as she fell 10,000 meters in free fall, getting soaked by the torrential rain as she watched the plane pass by and fainted thinking it was a dream.

Fortunately for her, the blue-haired girl fell in the valleys of Cochabamba. The treetops and the fact that she fell with her seat were what cushioned the fall. Meanwhile, when she reacted, she saw a horrible scene. At a distance from her, a thick ball of smoke could be seen ascending... It was the plane that fell a few kilometers from her.

“Kevin…” Carolyne said when she saw the thick cloud of smoke, her brother probably already passed away. The girl tried to get up but a slight pain wouldn't let her. Her right ankle ended up fractured, so she crawled and found a stick that fit her, so she leaned on the stick and started walking. Her goal was to find the road and say that she was the only survivor of that fateful flight. As she wandered further and further, she began to get lost in the valley, so she decided to continue looking for help, this time from a peasant. The bad thing is that probably in those places, most of the peasants speak Quechua, but Carolyne didn't know how to speak that language, she only learned English and French, but she never lost her curiosity to learn an indigenous language because she saw it as useless, but in this situation she swallowed her words and saw that it wasn't so bad to learn an indigenous language at this time. She only hoped that the person who finds her is someone kind and not hostile.

“I don’t care if the peasants call me privileged… I need help…”, the young girl thought.

She saw a small tunnel that would connect to the other side. The fame of the valley tunnels is that they connect different towns, so she decided to enter there to seek shelter from the rain or find another small town. The young girl continued walking deeper into the tunnel. After about 15 minutes, she reached the exit of the tunnel which was a place full of fig crops. The young girl tried to take a couple of figs for the road, when suddenly, the young girl began to cough up blood. She was not quite okay, she had internal bleeding that was aggravated by the effort she put in.

“N-No… I don’t want to die…”

The young girl tried to keep walking, but the tiredness made her fall into the mud. Carolyne ended up crying out of frustration. Her family already had a funeral... And now they will have two new ones, causing more pain to her hurt family. With those thoughts, the young woman closed her eyes and her heart stopped beating... Or at least, that's what she thinks.

[internerdionality]

20 Questions for FanFic Authors

Tagged by @dragonmuse, thank you! 🥰

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

39. I've been publishing since 2020, so a relative newbie, and I apparently can't write actual short works to save my life. I'm looking forward to hitting 50 fics, maybe even before the end of the this year, although that might be overly optimistic.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

817,200. Also looking forward to hitting a million! I started writing fanfic in part because of Diane Duane's post about the first million words being for practice, but I've realized as I've gone that fanfic is also just more fun in a lot of ways than original work, because it's lower stakes and more silliness and really all about the community.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Our Flag Means Death and the DC universe. I have a long crossover plotted out in the Slayerverse but I haven't published any of it yet, and one fic (I think my shortest) that I wrote to expiate my feels for the fourth Matrix movie. Oh! And a few Good Omens, only one published so far.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor? , Our Flag Means Death, Izzy/Everyone + Canon Pairings. I started writing this one literally the night after I finished watching the show in late April 2022 and managed to hit the wave of gay pirate frenzy as the fandom was born. I swear I'll finish it. 😅

A Fucking Duel, Our Flag Means Death, endgame SteddyHands with some strong Sprizzy side-action. This started out as crack, again very early in the gay pirate brainrot, and then turned novella size on me when I wasn't looking.

To Err is Human, to Purr is Batman. DC. Shades of SuperBat but mostly Bat-Family focused. I turn Bruce Wayne into a cat. Pure fluff.

Mutually Beneficial. DC, SuperBat. Classic identity porn romcom with a sugar daddy twist. Nonbinary Clark Kent. My first fanfic on AO3!

Soaked to the Skin. Our Flag Means Death, Sprizzy with a side of BlackHands, my take on how things would go for the Revenge right after the first season ended, doesn't include any of the characters who weren't on the ship during SO1E10. Double the length of any other fic I've ever written!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always! I am a praise-gremlin and treasure every comment I receive. I also include answering comments in my total word count for the day (I made a resolution during the HHD 5781-82 to write more, and while it took me a little bit to get started, I have written at least 250 words a day since mid-December 2021). So answering comments often gets me pumped for writing more fic!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Disregarding the prequels in the big dark vampire romp (which aren't really standalone) probably a tie between the surprise twists at the ends of Untethered and Gently in the Night? Both fics end happily but then have a little angsty setup for the sequel at the very end.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Definitely Mutually Beneficial. Most of my fics end happily but I usually try to leave them somewhat open without doing a lot of epilogueish kind of things. MB was an exception where I wrote two fluffy epilogues with lots of romance and sex because I didn't want to leave my boys! Although honestly now when I think back on it I think it would have been a stronger work if I'd ended it right after the climax and posted the fluffy epilogues as separate works.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

There was this one unregistered user who went through all my SuperBat fics and engaged in this long comment thread where he accused me of not liking Clark Kent? (Which, almost all my DC fics have Clark as the protagonist, I adore him, so). It was very surreal. I eventually just deleted it every time they'd write a new comment and they stopped after like two or three of those.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Lots of smut! It's actually just in the past year that I've stretched myself to write more Gen-ish fics with WDYDWADS and TEIH, and it somewhat surprised me that those became my two most popular fics in their respective fandoms.

As far as what kind, I really try to diversify but the strongest commonalities tend to be strong power dynamics, bondage, pain-play, and consent-play, with my darkest stuff going hard into noncon. I have fluid squicks so I tend to avoid anything in that area.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

The only one I have published is the Our Flag Means Death/Pirates of the Caribbean (which seems pretty obvious, I'm honest surprised there isn't more). I have the whole arc plotted out where the vampire!DCU series is going to branch out into the Slayerverse. Hopefully I'll actually write it one of these days.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of. I don't go looking, but my works aren't crazy popular, either.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A couple! I'm always really honored. 🥰 Many thanks to people who labor for fandom.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I did a long entirely cowritten canonized fiction for Steve Stirling's Emberverse—it's published on his site, not AO3, and under my real name, so don't go looking! (Nah, JK, I won't link it but I don't care if people figure it out).

And then I wrote this companion piece to Rimbaud's Give Pearls Away and Rubies. I had nothing to do with his piece, but he consulted heavily on mine. And Dragonmuse and I starting workshopping a Dragonriders of Pern pastiche that we might finish one of these days. 🤣

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Can I say the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one? It's the platonic ideal of a ship, really... 😂

Otherwise I really don't have one, I'm too poly for that. Even the ships I'm most feral about, I'll ship any of them with other people.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I won't say the DCU/Slayerverse crossover because I refuse to doubt that I'll finish it one day. So let's go with the JLA bad orgy crack—I actually posted on that one that it should be considered abandoned. I still love the idea but I kinda just ran out of steam.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Exposition, worldbuilding, delving into character emotions. Metaphors and whimsy.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Having actual plots. Action scenes. Actually finishing/ending anything.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I speak enough French and Hebrew to do either of those (and have).

I've done a very little Spanish for Jim from OFMD, but I tend to just copy actual stuff that they've said in canon. I do have a Puerto Rican friend that I've leaned on occasionally, but she's busy and I don't want to make it her job to constantly write dialogue for me so I usually try to avoid it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Define "wrote." 😂

When I was a teenager I plotted out long self-insert fixits for Star Trek, Harry Potter (look, even then the only thing I wanted to do in that verse was fix its many sins), X-Files, Stargate, and Buffy. I never wrote any of them down, though, just enjoyed the daydreaming.

Well, I lie, I did actually write about 60K eventually in an original novel that was based on some of the dynamics I'd created in the HP one, but that's the only one I ever got out on paper and it was altered enough that its origin was pretty unrecognizable.

If we're counting published anywhere, it's Stirling's Emberverse.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Soaked to the Skin. I'm honestly so proud of the actual! plot! in that one, the narrative flow, the emotional arcs, and like. the fact that I actually finished it. Even now a year later, every time I get a comment or kudo on that fic it sends this thrill of happiness up my spine.

Tagging (only if you want it), @thetardigrape, @sunless-garden, and @jupitermelichios.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2020 On with my last entry for the year. A year that was shitty for the world in general but ended up working out well for us.

I figured that if we’re going to have to wear a mask for a while longer, I might as well do it in style. So I ordered a light pink mask with rhinestones and a multicolored sequin mask.

Just finished a suspense book by Cole Baxter about a crazy old lady. Now I’m reading a kidnapping mystery by Gillian Jackson.

I guess this is going to be it for the year because there really isn’t anything else to update on.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2020 As our upcoming move gets closer, I get a little more emotional. In a good way, of course. I started packing up some more shit but most of what’s left has to wait until the very end since we still have to live our lives while we’re here.

Soon enough we’ll be one of those annoying planes flying over this place. They’ve been an on-and-off thing as usual. For three days they were annoying as fuck but I haven’t heard them today. Just some small planes.

We talked some more and we’re very likely to start off in the middle of the state where the space rent is cheaper. The place will probably be kind of dumpy and might not even have a pool but this way we have a chance to get grounded, get a feel for the place, how the climate affects me, and then decide whether or not to head for the coast or get some land. It would be nice to have another park to compare this one to even though I’m guessing some things will be the same such as loud vehicles and power tools. Hopefully, we won’t hear it as much if we can get into a smaller park on a less-traveled street.

My chocolate chip cookie incense smells great. It’s mild but definitely great smelling.

My book was not pirated. I forgot that when I joined Smashwords nearly a decade ago they were affiliated with Scribd. I also forgot that I had two different Smashwords accounts. I was confused as hell when I logged into one of the accounts and found that nothing was published there. I had Renting Ginny published for a while but removed it because I barely made a few bucks after a long time. Turns out the account Evil was on was under an email address I no longer have. But I finally got ahold of someone on both sites and someone on Smashwords told me they contacted Scribd with a removal request. So hopefully they will honor that request! If not, then I guess the story will just sit there.

I’m glad I used my middle name when I made the mistake of publishing stuff since I don’t think most people would think to Google me with my middle name included. When I Google my first and last name, nothing comes up. It’s only when I Google my full name that links to Goodreads and anything connected to my book comes up. I’m going to put myself on as much of an “internet lockdown” as I can during the move in case anyone we may get a place from decides to Google me and might not like what they find. I don’t know what might come up with a paid search but I wouldn’t think anybody would be that curious so I’m not worried about it.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2020 It just occurred to me that I didn’t hear from Scribd yesterday. It could be due to the holidays, but I really doubt I’m going to hear back from them. The question is whether or not to take some other course of action or just let it go. I’ll probably just let it go since whoever/whatever is behind it can’t be making any more money than I did and that certainly wasn’t much. It’s just that it reminds me of how I’ve always felt that I’m not only not meant to make money but meant to be a profit to others. Oh well. Still can’t be much of a profit. If it isn’t a screw-up between sites and if it isn’t a random person, funny how the black bitch in Arizona is the first person to come to mind where that’s concerned. But would she be that sophisticated enough to pull it off? Would she be that stupid? Perhaps out of anger and the frustration of not being able to legally screw me again like she tried to do 9 years ago, she would. Don’t know if she would have come up with the idea on her own or set it up on her own, though, if she did have anything to do with it. But I’m sure she would get a real kick out of the thought of making whatever she could off of me at my expense.

I read online that applying ACV to AKs was recommended so I’m trying it on what I suspect is Bowen’s. Doubt it will do me any good, but it can’t hurt to try.

I was going to work on all three stories at once and then edit them when I was out of ideas but that’s easier said than done so I’ll finish the story I started last month before I tackle the others.

Guess I’ve gone from writing suspense that deals with obsession to suspense that deals with revenge! Let’s just say it can be kind of therapeutic depending on who the characters are. :-)

Some of them have been showing up in my dreams, like Termite Tammy. I killed her by kicking her really hard in the head only her blood ran dirt brown instead of red. I panicked soon afterward, realizing my fingerprints and other trace evidence would likely be found.

I left a message on Ruth’s wall yesterday. As in Marty’s wife. Her last update was in 2018 and I realize she could be dead since she would be in her 80s now. I looked and couldn’t find a grave or an obit on Marty, so if there isn’t one on him, there may not be one on her. Right or wrong, I acted as if she messaged me trying to apologize and work things out and I told her she had decades to do that, gossips too much, judges people by their past, was too judgmental, and that while I wish her the best it was too late.

I guess it was a convenient way to express how I felt albeit a bit of a dishonest one. I’m curious to see if anyone ever discovers it but I have a feeling they won’t. I guess the account has been abandoned. But maybe not. There are no visible posts between 2015 and 2018. So maybe she’s just taking a little hiatus.

When I got up, I found a message waiting for me from Becky. She decided to look for Mary Bernadette S from Valleyhead who went by Bernadette. She found the nearly 6 ft black woman in the form of an obituary from 2016. She died at age 48 and Becky is devastated. I guess they were closer than I realized. Bernadette and I weren’t close although we were enemies either.

So she died just in time to spare herself from the hell called perimenopause. But WHY??? I hate that most obits don’t tell you how a person died.

The Termite Tammy dream wasn’t the only dream I had last night. It seems that many people from my past came marching in one by one. Lots of Andy dreams lately, although I’m not sure why. I do miss him at times, but I could never resume our friendship. He is who he is, and I am who I am. Besides, it’s become a hard rule of mine not to do do-overs. You step out of my life or I put you out of it, you stay out of it.

Anyway, I don’t remember what he, Nane or Maliheh did in my dreams but I remember Molly even though it didn’t make much sense. She pointed to a bright orange-pink fleece blanket and said, “Isn’t that your blanket?”

I glanced over to where she was pointing and I was relieved to see that it was. I guess I lost some things or was worried someone had stolen them. I also had a feeling that Molly was hiding something and not being totally honest with me, but just like in real life, I kept my suspicions to myself preferring not to let people know that I know, am aware of, and notice more things than they realize.

Next, I offered her some old dolls I didn’t want, hoping she would take them off my hands. She did and I hugged her more because I was grateful for her making things easier on me than anything else. Her shoulders felt slender as we embraced.

Then there was something about me being chased by a dog, threatening its owner, and someone who was universally hated winning tons of money. Then Tom and I were seated at a long dining table with about a dozen other people in the room. He surprised me by defending me to them, saying that the person who won money was accused of doing the same thing I had to spend 24 hours in jail for.

“I had to spend a lot more than that,” I snorted.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2020 Sometimes I feel just as pissed or at least irritated with myself as I do with those that have given me a hard time in one way or another throughout my life. I just feel like I could have done more to prevent it, like I should have seen the warning signs, not been so nice… That sort of thing. So it’s like I blame them for screwing me and then I blame myself for how I handled them. But what’s done is done and oh how I have learned from it!

Once again Aly is saying that I, perhaps unknowingly or unintentionally, make her feel put in the middle when I bring up Kim or Molly and that’s why she’s been holding back on things she could tell me about them. Expressing my opinion doesn’t mean I’m trying to put anyone in the middle or persuade someone to go in a particular direction, but fine. She never has to discuss anything she doesn’t want to.

But how does she think I feel over the fact that she won’t give me her address, I’ve never seen a picture of her with Cam, and I don’t even know the guy’s last name? It’s hard for me to believe this is simply about her having doubts as to whether or not the relationship will last. She’s hiding something. She’s either afraid I’ll use the info against her somehow should I get pissed at her or Cam doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to feel like she’s complaining about me a little more lately and like I’m just not good enough in some ways even though she recently told me she always values our friendship. But first it was what I said in regard to Cam losing his cat, then she tweeted on her other account that I butt in unnecessarily, and a few other little things that are starting to add up and get to me. Is she trying to pick a fight with me or something? Well, I don’t “fight” anymore. I either get along with people or I don’t have anything to do with them. The only ones that will eventually hear from me one last time are the termites. I mean, of course I would contact more than just them if Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was about to kill myself but I don’t bother to troll or fight with people like I used to.

Anyway, I told her she never has to bring up anything she doesn’t want to even though I would never insist she hold back on anything and I won’t bring up as much either. The less open someone is with me, the less I’m open with them. Not by design but I naturally can’t help but be more open if someone’s open with me and less open if someone’s not so open with me. It’s just how I am and a natural instinct of mine. In the end, Kim and Molly (I know she’s not done with Molly forever) are her friends so it’s not like I’m dying to hear about them.

I discovered something by accident as is how I usually find things be it objects or information. While I still think the smaller spot on my leg is the actinic keratosis (AK) I had on my arm and back, the big red patch may very well be Bowen’s disease. The good news is that even though it’s considered pre-invasive it seems just as treatable as AK and just as unlikely to invade deeper tissues of the skin and spread to other parts of the body. Doesn’t seem like anything that can’t wait until my April appointment. I just hope she can spray it with liquid nitrogen as she did with the AKs. Sometimes they have to scrape the skin.

I missed my wine after taking a break from it and just wanted to get out and also get a sweet treat, so we masked up and headed to Rite Aid yesterday morning. Armed with Moscato and a Milky Way bar, Tom suggested checking out the Christmas aisle before we left where everything was on clearance, and we found a couple of cute things for just $2.50 each. A color-changing glitter lamp that sort of reminds one of a lava lamp. The glitter is in a watery gel so that it stays afloat longer when you shake it.

Also got a cute doll called Emily with auburn braids and brown eyes. She wears pink and purple, my favorite colors.

The Mac was sluggish and I was having trouble clicking and dragging puzzle pieces during my puzzle walks, as I call them, so he upgraded it to Big Sur.

As we agree, zone minutes are more important than step counts and active minutes so I’m making sure to get those. That’s usually simple enough as long as I’m not tired. In fact, I usually get more than the daily recommendation.

As funny as this may sound, the quantity of my food intake seems to matter more than calories or what I eat. I rarely bother to count calories but I definitely pay attention to what I eat now that I’m getting older and make sure that 5-6 days a week I eat healthily. But it’s true that quantity really does seem to matter most for me. I think I would be more likely to gain weight on larger servings of fish and veggies than I would on just a few bites of high-calorie crap.

As 2021 approaches, we chatted excitedly about the possibilities that await us next year like how we’re going to go out of here and a big part of it is going to depend on who the house goes to. If we knew in advance exactly when we had to be out of here, it would be easier to get plane tickets and also control where we sit on the plane. But if we have to go about things the traditional way and deal with the escrow and not know exactly what’s closing when and what we need to sign when until the last minute, then it might be too expensive to fly since we couldn’t get the tickets in advance.

Time will tell if my vibes and dreams mean anything but despite having a pretty good accuracy rate, I have to assume they’re just dreams and guesses until and if I see otherwise.

I doubt the dream I had last night meant anything since I would never want to live on a beach. Close to a body of water, yes, but not on the beach. Yet in the dream, we had a circular bedroom that was mostly surrounded by a popular beach and I wondered how I would sleep during the winter when all the snowbirds crowded the beach right outside the wall of the bedroom. I then remembered our soundproofing plans and hoped they would work out!

The only other dream I remember was going to a male doctor that turned out to be a joke for some reason. So I went back to a doctor I was familiar with who told me my OH was causing my eyes to bulge at the sides and a little in front too. I asked her if my eyes could possibly pop out of my head and she had this dubious expression as if to say that yeah, they could. LOL

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2020 Only I could gain a pound on a diet but then again I didn’t exactly “diet” yesterday. I had a little more than usual plus a candy bar. Also, I crashed early and got up earlier than yesterday. Nothing I didn’t expect to happen, though. I knew my body would go into reset mode no matter what I did. Besides, if this was that easy, everyone would be doing it. It takes a lot of hunger and deprivation to lose weight which is why most people don’t. But I’m going to continue eating three full meals a day because it agrees with my tummy and keeps me from getting carried away. Been having a bit more processed stuff than I should too, so I’ll have to cut that back a bit. Really don’t want to have more than one processed meal a day.

Tom checked out the site with the funny name and took a look at the code behind it. It isn’t that they have an actual copy of my book but it’s used as bait along with many other things. It’s a phishing site. All they want is credit card info. They promise full access to various things if you pay a fee.

On Scribd, he found where I could file a copyright infringement complaint, so I did. I doubt it’s anyone I know and may not even be a person at all. I once had this book on Smashwords and there might have been a screw-up between the different sites. Because the cover is the original cover and the bio is old, whatever it is happened nearly a decade ago. I don’t know many people with the sophistication to pull something like this off other than Aly and I can’t believe she would do this to anyone no matter how pissed she may be at them. It just doesn’t seem her style. The termites, yes, if they had brains enough to pull it off which they don’t.

I’ve learned my lesson as far as publishing anything goes. If I could have made at least 10 bucks a day, it would have been worth whatever shit came of it but it’s not all bad because this way I can have fun writing just for me and not have to worry about using real names and changing this and changing that.

The other day, as I was lying in bed waiting for sleep, Shadow popped into mind again and I was racked with a sense of guilt and sadness over having to dump him as I did 28 years ago. I asked myself why the hell Andy and I weren’t smart enough to think of a shelter but then no-kill shelters didn’t exactly exist back then. But then maybe it would have been better to be put to sleep if he was only destined to get hit by a car or something like that. Technically, this would probably be a better way for any animal or human to go as opposed to dying of natural causes but we could never and would never bring the pigs to a kill shelter.

I’ve always wondered what became of him. I read that cats lose heat through their paws and can handle heat better than cold as long as they have shade, food and water. He could have gotten the shade somewhere but where would he have gotten food and water? He would have had to drink out of people’s pools and while they were plentiful, so were big dogs that were always left outside.

But still, I wonder. Did Animal Control pick him up and kill him? Did he get hit by a car? Did he get fed by various people every now and then? Or did someone adopt him? I really hope to hell the last possibility happened! I was reading back in my 1992 journal, and I forgot that we didn’t just drop him off in Paradise Valley but also threw his carrier over the wall of someone’s backyard that we thought may have been Stevie Nicks’ at the time. Don’t know if it really was or not, though.

Even though I was young, dumb, broke, naive and threatened with eviction if I didn’t get rid of Shadow and was just doing what I needed to survive, I felt heartbroken and I could definitely throttle Stacey. I know she was sticking to the rules she had to abide by but still, rules can be bent. You don’t have to break them but you could bend them and she definitely could have worked with me somehow to get into a “pet” apartment and pay the deposit. I also wish I’d been smart enough back then to think of contacting her boss.

Tom says there was nothing I could do about it, I can’t undo the past, so I shouldn’t beat myself up for it and that more than likely he was adopted. If not, people do feed strays. We’ve done it ourselves.

But I also realized that had I been able to keep him, he likely would have lived past 1997 when I quit smoking and I would be left to wonder why I never got better since I didn’t know that cats made me wheeze and congested until we got Simone.

I have hoped that there really is no such thing as an afterlife because a before life is enough. For a minute, though, I almost wished there was so I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a shit of a cat mommy as I was during his first two years of life. Yes, he could be plenty obnoxious at times but he was otherwise quite affectionate and lovable, and yet I treated him like shit at times and then dumped him like he was trash.

I hope to hell that when he was dying which was probably somewhere between 2005-2010 that the giant orange tabby I adored was put to sleep and didn’t die outdoors alone.

Speaking of that bitch Stacey, another story idea came to mind. Tom and I move but we return to Arizona of all places. And of all the millions of people living in Phoenix, we happen to end up next to Stacey and her husband. I spot her one day and recognize her so Tom and I agree I would go by a different first name and say I was from Ohio.

I get a piece of her mail one day and am curious to see if she recognizes me when I go to return it. She does but of course I always deny my true identity. Then I can play these little games with her until one day she actually invites me over for coffee and I pass out only to wake up realizing she drugged me and has locked me in a room. I’m held captive there while she tries to force the truth out of me. Eventually, Tom will come to my rescue!

So between the story I’ve been working on, this idea, and the revenge on the termite idea, I guess I’m not completely retired as a writer after all. For a while there I thought I would never come up with anything worth putting into print ever again.

Oh yes, the lady of suspense is going to have all kinds of unfiltered and uncensored fun using real names. I just hope we don’t get “karma’d” for our evil thoughts, haha.

Strange how I once couldn’t help but have a slight crush on Stacey even though she was a blue-eyed blond. Something about her voice, physique and mannerisms reminded me of Kate Jackson. I once told her that too, LOL. I’d be a total liar if I said she didn’t age well but I hate her fucking guts.

I usually write one story at a time and will write a chapter and then edit it, but I think I’ll just work on the stories and then edit them when I hit writer’s block which I still think will be most of the time.

“Did something happen to the saw dude or did someone complain about him?” I asked Tom and he thinks neither and that he simply finished his home renovation project.

Well, I hope so because I’m definitely enjoying not hearing that fucking saw! In a lawless land, I would have gone over there, yanked it out of his hand, and chased him around the park with it.

“What happened to the loud car kid?” I also asked him and he thinks the kid outgrew that phase of his life.

That young and that fast? I don’t know about that one. I think he’s either dead, in jail, or more than likely moved out of the area.

Aly says Molly totally believes in her mind that she and I never had a problem. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. The mentally ill are often delusional. Also, I remember how she used to act like she and Kathy were best buddies having only last spoken recently when in fact it had been months or maybe even years.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2020 I wasn’t kidding when I recently told Aly that it was a nice breath of fresh air to have a friend who was younger and smarter instead of the other way around as it usually was with other friends I’ve had.

Never heard of a torrent site before and when she told me she suspects my book was pirated, it made sense when I thought about it. If they steal music and movies, why not books too? I contacted one of the sites it’s on which is affiliated with NaNoWriMo as well as NaNoWriMo itself. I highly doubt it will do me any good, but I explained the situation to them about me and publishing it about a year ago and never agreeing to sell on Scribd. Plus there’s another site with a weird name that I know of, but I can’t click on any of the tabs and I wasn’t about to click on the download button without knowing if that could trigger some kind of attack.

It’s kind of weird how the pirated copy has the original cover and bio. Had to join Scribd to try to contact them but both them and NaNoWriMo don’t make it easy to contact them. I tried on Facebook and they gave me the automated run around so I finally tweeted to them. Again, I don’t expect a response let alone removal of the book where I left a comment saying who I was and that the book was pirated. You couldn’t comment without a rating so of course I gave myself 5 stars, LOL.

There’s no price set on my book, I noticed. Guess you get full access to it (and other books) with a paid membership? Would love to know when it was listed and if it’s anyone I know, though I doubt it.

The good thing is that if I didn’t make shit from the book, I don’t see why they would. I guess it happens to big-name authors as well. Either way, I highly doubt I’m going to be able to get it removed. It’s not worth putting any more effort into fighting it than I already did since it’s not like they’re going to really profit from it.

I went and unpublished We’ll Meet Again Someday which I had under a pen name just in case the same thing happened to that book even though I haven’t made a single sale or download in many months from that book. So if there are any more of my books out there, at least they won’t make more than a few bucks here and there. Others can feel free to do as they wish, but publishing just isn’t worth it to me.

I was glad to hear that her BF is going to get the vaccine in a few weeks. I know they’ve wanted to target health workers and old people first.

She got her dad the massager I got that I recommended to her and he really likes it. It is a good one!

Tom and I have noticed that my waist appears thinner lately. This is due to increased strength training and aerobics-like exercise. My “crunch line” is also more visible. That groove that runs from the sternum almost down to the belly button.

What worries me a little is that the spots on my leg aren’t growing in size but the larger one is darkening on the edges and is slightly raised. I just hope waiting until April doesn’t turn out to be a dumb idea that causes a whole lot more money and headaches later on down the road, but I’m not going to go running to the doctor for every little thing either. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a few AKs on my scalp as well from what I can feel. Luckily, only 10% of them become cancerous.

I’m a little tired today because I was up forever like I sometimes am even though I managed to take care of the dishes and laundry and change Fuzzy’s cage. My God does that poor guy look horrible! I think he has more than one tumor too but with the way he acts and eats you would never know it so that’s good. Even if he didn’t have them, though, his days are still numbered because he’s now over two years old.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2020 My poor little ratty. :( Looks like the tumor has caused ruptured blood vessels. Yet amazingly, he still has plenty of energy and the same old appetite. He doesn’t seem to be in the least bit of pain, fortunately. He can’t have too many more months to go, though. It’s sad but an inevitable course of nature at the same time.

I’m really frustrated, irritated and confused right now after getting a Google alert on my name. I got an alert for a site where a copy of Evil Amongst the Evergreens is supposedly available. Nothing was clickable on the site, though, and I’m sitting here trying to figure out why the hell a book I unpublished is listed there. I also don’t like how you can get a lengthy preview, and then if you sign up for a free trial, you can read all of it for free.

What’s the point of unpublishing something if people can still get copies on sites I never heard of much less published my book on, and with absolutely no payment to me?

I never should have published anything, especially in my own name. That was really stupid! Not only are you giving potential trolls the perfect opportunity to fuck with you, but I should have known it wouldn’t be enough money to make it worth it. Better to just write for fun and that way I don’t have to worry as much about being as correct as possible.

This is turning out to be the most doable diet I’ve done in centuries. Not going so low-calorie keeps me from always being hungry. Not going low-carb keeps me from craving variety. Not spacing out multiple smaller snacks and meals also keeps me from being hungry. But it being doable is part of why I won’t get under that typical low of about 155. I’d have to be sick, thyrotoxic, or half-starving to lose more than a few pounds. No thanks! I like the way I feel on this menu and the fact that I definitely don’t have to worry about gaining weight.

The holidays are really throwing things off and disrupting our routine. Holidays were fine when he was working because then he got to enjoy the time off. Now all they do is mess things up. At least they’re minor inconveniences but because Walmart was out of some things, particularly lettuce which the pigs are low on, we tried to arrange to pick up an order at Sam’s yesterday morning. However, the earliest we could do this would be Saturday. So then we tried Amazon’s Whole Foods and were told the same thing along with another Walmart order we placed. So both Amazon and Walmart will be delivered within a few hours of each other that day. Tom was surprised to find how much cheaper than Walmart many of the prices on Amazon were, expecting it to be much more expensive. So we thought we would go ahead and give them a try.

I was looking forward to trying Sam’s lobster naan but I don’t think we’re going to be ordering from them. Walmart doesn’t have it but Amazon has Spanakopita which I like. I just don’t want to get too carried away with processed foods. Just because I’m having three larger meals with absolutely nothing in between doesn’t mean I want to load up on too much unhealthy stuff. Still gotta watch the cholesterol and sodium.

Over the last few days, I went from 157.8 to 157.4 to 157.0, and then yesterday I was 156.6 just like I am today. This is about when my body starts rebelling against additional weight loss, too. One way it rebels is to stop shitting but I’m having potatoes today so that should help.

Decided that rather than focus on step count or active minutes, I’ll focus on getting the 22 zone minutes they recommend getting a day. Not hard for someone with a high HR.

The planes didn’t go as crazy as I expected them to yesterday. Still expecting the death count to jump quite a bit after Christmas. I can’t wait to get to January! By then Trump will be out of the picture, we should be getting closer to getting vaccinated, and it’s the year we get the fuck out of here!

Dixie forwarded me (and a few others) a joke. So she’s still alive. Sometimes I think of emailing her. I do miss her and I do think of her but I also have to think of myself as well. I don’t want to deal with her drama and moods and put myself at risk of getting sick. She’s still around more people than we are. Unless it’s someone living alone with agoraphobia, I doubt anybody is as isolated as we’ve been. I’ll definitely email her before we leave.

In looking around at things and mentally deciding what we’re likely to leave and likely to take, I realized that the platform with the attached headboard shelves my mattress is on is our longest-running piece of furniture. We got it in Oregon 15 or 16 years ago.

Aly says Molly will no doubt eventually find a way to contact her, even if it’s through someone on Fitbit.

Ah, but will she be smart enough to ignore her? I still believe that Aly has a tendency to gravitate toward the mentally ill as Mary G gravitated toward abusers.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2020 I skipped yesterday’s meds as I mentioned before, and although I was better, I wasn’t 100%, so I was a little nervous about taking my meds today. I did, however, and I feel fine so far. Figured I wouldn’t make it to the end of the year without a problem, though.

At the beginning of my day today, I had that strange and disturbing feeling that could have been my heart A-fibbing, gas bubbles in my chest, or something else. I looked up the causes and found that they range from mild to severe. At least I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out or experience any other symptoms with it. I can see where it might be air bubbles since it did seem like it was something fluttering upward and reverberating in my throat. However, it was entirely different than heartburn or any kind of stomach or intestinal gas issues I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know what to think. I just hope it doesn’t make a regular habit of occurring, whatever it is.

It hit me that it’s silly to count calories independently of Fitbit. I can still have Fitbit do it. I just have to make sure that everything I eat during my day is logged on the same date. But I can still have it do the math for me. It isn’t just about calories but this way I can also see how much sodium and carbs I’m taking in as well.

I realize that with the exception of whatever we get for the house, we’ll probably be back to the days of being broke once we get to Florida because even though it’s cheaper there, we’re not going to have as much money. That’s okay, though. I don’t mind not having extra money as long as we’re still able to get the things we need. But I know he’ll want to work at least part-time to help with extras until he’s able to get full retirement and not just partial. Plus, I’ll get half of what he gets when I’m 65 even though that’s still worlds away.

Actually, Tom just told me not to panic over what I may read on Twitter or Facebook, saying that Trump is being crazy again and something about people being evicted and losing their Unemployment if he doesn’t sign a particular thing. He assured me that our retirement money is not only guaranteed for life, but he would also only work in the future for extras like if we wanted to go on a cruise. Also, our Unemployment is fine, so don’t worry about what I may read.

This is reassuring to know but I feel bad for those less fortunate than us. Only someone as rich as Trump would do such a thing, assuming everybody can afford to pay for their needs just because he can and has never known anything else. I almost wish all rich people could start off broke so they could know what it’s like and see that no, we’re not all the same. We can’t all make do with next to nothing.

It seems, however, we’re having the opposite luck than what we experienced when the economy went to hell. The collapse of the economy hurt us in just about every possible way that it could. We suffered big time and almost lost our lives because of it. However, the virus has seemed to actually help us. Oh, it wouldn’t be this way if he was under 62, though, that’s for sure! So if this shit had to happen in the first place, I’m definitely grateful for the timing. And that he was able to make so much money in his final working years, especially from the OT with the way it works in Cali. Making enough OT to live off of that alone is a big deal when it comes to retirement, but yeah, he was making around $30 an hour in the end there at certain times. Of course the new company owners would lay him off. That way they could turn around and hire someone at minimum wage. In the end, I sure as hell am glad they did lay him off because of the virus! Again, that was perfect timing and I had the opposite reaction when he broke the news to me than I had in 2011. Had he been just a little younger, we could have been really screwed. Same goes for if they hadn’t laid him off but just in a different way. But then I always did say that the noisier a place was, the harder it would be to lose. Well, Jesse and his mutts definitely weren’t this noisy. No place I ever lived was this noisy.

Either way, we’ve been spared from this latest world crisis. I don’t know if it’s because of any God, some other entity, or just because. I only know I’m grateful as hell.

Just went to get my Bing points and I wasn’t at all surprised to read a headline saying that despite pleas from health experts, people are ready to travel for the holidays and spread the virus so the daily deaths can become 5K instead of 3K. And of course I’ll be wide awake to listen to all the planes there will no doubt be flying overhead early this morning.

Tom said there were a lot of cars at Dahl’s place today. Everybody thinks they’re invincible.

One of the brands of nail stickers I got was Blulu and they kind of suck. They’re not sticky enough. Also, the pink plaid set looks more like flesh tone in person. So I took them off and applied a pinkish-red set with gold highlights by a better brand. They’re a little light and a little sheer but definitely have better sticking power.

Decided I’m not going to keep changing accounts every month on OD so I can keep writing there. It’s just not worth the hassle. When it comes to sharing, PB is enough.

Aly says she’s finally blocked Molly and is done with her because she’s gone Kim on her by being very selfish and bombarding her with tons of texts all about how miserable her life supposedly is. And this is after Molly deleted her on Fitbit. She says it��s hard to explain but she still has some compassion for Kim.

I would definitely rather associate with Kim than Molly any day. I remember when I was pretending to be someone else and connected with her on Twitter how she almost never responded to my tweets. It was only if I made the move first by responding to her tweets that she would talk to me. Molly is definitely very selfish and obsessive. Kim is obsessive too, though.

Once Molly realizes Aly’s done with her, I wonder if she’ll stalk her like it’s 2009 again. Or if she’ll try to seek me out to get to her through me. My guess is she won’t, though, because we don’t always react the same when something happens again. Besides, I don’t think she can find me anywhere other than looking me up on Facebook and that’s only if she remembers my last name.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2020 I’m now tracking calories independently of Fitbit. Because my days are split so often, I’m not getting an accurate count. The same goes for steps. However, I’m not really concerned with steps as long as I get the recommended daily zone minutes each day. I’m keeping track in Google Docs and having Tom double-check my math.

So far it seems easier to have fewer bigger meals. I made vegetable tortellini yesterday and it came out great. I would really like to get an idea of my daily calorie intake at least for a week or two because I’m curious to see how, if at all, this new way of eating affects me. My guess is that it won’t cause weight loss but will make it harder to gain. It comes out to approximately 1,200 calories a day.

I noticed my metabolism has sped up a bit but that’s likely for the same reason I felt a little anxious last night; my meds are ramping up in my system. I skipped today and it will be interesting to see if taking action right away means I won’t have to skip as much later on. If I could get it down to one skip per month, that would be ideal. That may be just a dream, but we’ll see. But to have a total of a little over a month’s worth of anxious days for 2020 is a definite improvement!

Now I just wish he would stop looking for work! When he talked about the job applications he’s been filling out, I reminded him that they said he didn’t have to look for work for many weeks but he says he doesn’t trust them. Yeah, the government is definitely not very trustworthy, that’s for sure. But we have a lot of money and I hate to see him work before he’s vaccinated. I would be concerned if he was young but I’m even more concerned with him being 63. He doesn’t actually want a job right now but still thinks it’s best to at least put some effort into it. Besides, not everyone wants an older white guy working for them not to mention the fact that sometimes he’s either under or overqualified. Some jobs have requirements he’s unable to or unwilling to meet like traveling.

The pigs started to get a little smelly so we changed their liners. Rockefeller’s wasn’t that soiled but Blitz’s was. We’ll probably only be changing them about six more times before they’re rehomed and I definitely want to use up the paper bedding first. I would rather have liners left over than regular bedding.

Fuzzy sleeps more but still has energy and definitely his usual appetite. He could live another three or four months but one rat is a lot easier to deal with than two pigs.

I remember a split second of a dream where I was in someone’s oceanfront house and it was so cool because the part of the walls that face the ocean was all glass. Whenever the tide was high, the waves would roll up against the lower part of the glass walls and was totally cool.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2020 They updated our DNA results on 23andMe, narrowing things down. They had him mapped as all over Europe, but they took off southern Europe for him even though he’s from many different places and is still a mutt, LOL. For me, they removed almost all of Europe. I’m 98.9% Ashkenazi instead of 99%. They had a fraction of a percent of me from Asia and Africa which has now been narrowed down to Manchurian & Mongolian. Never heard of Manchurian before.

Going to once again try Fitbit’s easier diet where you have a 250-cal deficit per day and lose half a pound a week. I thought about it and I’m pretty sure I was likely underestimating my food intake or counting wrong or making typos when logging food the last time around. Low thyroid or not, I’m still human and it should have worked, especially if you do it right. So that means I’m the one that screwed up somewhere along the line when inputting info.

For this grocery order, I got a bigger variety of food so I’m not stuck with just meat and veggies and will have fewer bigger meals rather than more smaller ones that don’t fill me up and that leave me feeling hungry until I eat again. I still don’t mind meat and veggies for the most part but this way I can throw in some variety along with it, so I don’t have cravings for different things. So two of my meals will consist of meat, veggies, and a small portion of starch of some kind like rice, pasta, or potatoes. My other one will consist of chickpeas, beans or soup. I’ll have a small kiddy yogurt when I take my statin to keep from getting an upset stomach. Plus there’s my morning coffee. Or whatever time of day or night I happen to get up.

At 6:30 I had two roasted chicken thighs and a cup of macaroni and cheese. I didn’t have any veggies with that particular meal, but I will with my next one which will be at 11:30. I’m spacing my meals out by 5 hours. It’s been 2 hours and I still feel satisfied. If I’d grabbed just a smoothie or just an avocado, I would probably be getting hungry again by now.

Reading that there are new strains of the coronavirus discovered wasn’t exactly a thrilling thing to learn. Hope it’s nothing that the vaccine still can’t handle!

I slept for an average of 7 hours and 43 minutes last week. The week before that it was 8 hours and 11 minutes and the week before that was 7 hours and 32 minutes. Most weeks seem to be 7 hours and something minutes, but I did have a week that was 6 hours and 34 minutes.

Had a dream that I had to stay somewhere but I don’t think it was any kind of jail or hospital since I was packed into a car with several other people heading somewhere. In the dream, I realized that I had counted wrong and I didn’t really have to be there for four thousand and something more days but actually six thousand and something more days. Even though this only equated to almost a year in the dream, I was deeply depressed by this realization.

Aly’s back to updating her other Twitter account but not very often. Damn, I wish I’d never reached out to Molly!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2020 Went through the hutch drawers earlier and found more stuff I’d forgotten about. Some old family pictures neither of us give a shit about but agreed to keep, along with cards and letters from various people. I forgot that Marie once wrote to me. I’ve got some cards from Eileen, Aly, Rosa, my dear deceased Italian foster dad, and even a couple of postcards from Nane. I forgot that she actually sent me two postcards, one from Greece and one from Turkey. She sent one to Auburn and one here to “Zitronen Land.”

I read the German part to Tom as we were going through things and decided that even though we’re not friends anymore, I would keep the postcards. Some people I definitely regret knowing and some I don’t. Nane was fun and interesting for a while before her judgmental ways and bitchiness really got to me. Also, as ugly as German is, I sure did end up learning quite a bit of it, thanks to her.

I made a couple of interesting discoveries that I’m excited about whenever we get settled in the new place. First there was this thing you stuck your finger directly into that printed nail designs directly onto the nail. Those range from $500 to over a grand. I’m not fluent but I could get by if I were suddenly stuck in the middle of Germany, and that’s something to be proud of.

Still not wanting any chemicals on my nails, I looked to see if there was a way to design and print my own nail stickers and there is! It would be a little more expensive, but this way I could choose the exact designs I wanted and not have to worry about them going bad. You can even print family photos or pictures of pets!

I’m surprised I was wrong on the stimulus thing and that they’re going to give adults $600. To those who are really in need, $600 seems like such a fucking insult. You can’t even pay a month’s rent on that! What the hell is wrong with this country???

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2020 Wish they’d shut up already with the stimulus talk. We know we’re not getting shit, they know we’re not getting shit, so enough is enough with the bullshit promises! The American government simply doesn’t take care of its own. Never has, never will.

Decided to do some more sorting and packing. I went through the stuff in the hutch cabinets and tomorrow I’ll do the drawers. You don’t realize how much shit you have until it comes time to go through it and start packing it up! Things I totally forgot we had.

It’s still too soon to really judge the pig liners but these guys really frustrate me at times. Especially Blitz. Rockefeller hasn’t chewed on the liner, but Blitz has chewed his. Next time I may put down a bit of bedding on top of the liners and also hook the corners to the side of the cage beforehand. I hooked part of Blitz’s liner a little while ago, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

Tom applied for a few jobs just in case they tell him to start working again. God, I hope not! Not until this damn thing is under control and we’re vaccinated. But that’s the thing. Out of the things I have strong vibes on right now, his working in this state ever again is not one of them.

Had a bunch of strange dreams last night, one in which Aly and I met somewhere, and she told me my bad ear was ugly, LOL. Not something I can picture her telling anyone. I wasn’t offended, though, in the dream because I appreciated her honesty and agreed as well.

Then I had some weird dream about hiding from someone in a dark building where I rented a room or apartment of some kind. Someone was after me or the person who lived in the place before me, so I turned off all the lights and hid in the bathroom. The bathroom had two doors on opposite ends, so I quickly locked them just in time for a young woman to be shouting angrily and punching the door.

Then, after being glad I had backed my writing up, I realized I couldn’t find the story I was working on and that the backup had failed. I ran into Stacey from Arizona in a corridor somewhere and asked her if she could find my story. LOL

In another dream, I was finishing up a visit with Dr. A only instead of us leaving the exam room together, she remained seated at the computer after I rose to my feet and said “Bye” and proceeded to leave the room and she said “Bye” too.

Next, I was writing my parents a letter telling them I really like being in a liberal state where a guy could walk into a bar dressed in drag with no questions asked or something to that effect. While I was at it, I was listening to a song that was supposedly written right after gays and lesbians first got their rights and the lyrics said something like, “It was supposed to be a trial run, but 33 days later we still have our rights.”

In the last dream, I walked up to the front door of our place, and instead of the street being laid out like it really is, the saw cock was off to one side and Jesse actually lived on the other. As I approached the door, I could hear Jesse sawing away at something and was glad we would be moving soon.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2020 I am surprisingly awake today even though I did take a quick nap which I love to do when I can. The recycle truck hadn’t come by the time I got up, but the garbage truck did and amazingly, they never woke me up.

What did wake me up - unless I woke up and then smelled it - was what I could have sworn was Tom cooking something with a really strong smell. I told myself I was going to let him have it for that since he knows better. I’m not only the lightest sleeper when it comes to sounds but also when it comes to smells, so he makes a habit of not eating anything smelly when I’m sleeping. However, he was sound asleep the first time I was aware of it. It almost smelled like fast food. I also smelled it a few hours later. I doubt anyone else’s cooking would penetrate these walls as thin as they are, so I don’t know what it was. I mean even if someone was right outside the bedroom window which was closed, of course, eating a cheeseburger, I don’t see how I would smell it in the bedroom. Either way, I still woke up feeling refreshed.

My hip didn’t feel too bad, so we went out for a walk. It was warm in the sunshine, but the breeze was cool. I wore no hoodie over my sweatshirt. It was about 55 degrees. After our walk was when I took a nap.

Tom discovered these bamboo charcoal carbon disposable pee pads for guinea pig cages that we ordered and that arrived today. We place them in their cages and are anxious to see how they work out. It was $20 for eight of them. They’ve got great reviews. Yeah, we would find the best solution for them now that we’re a month or so away from re-homing them. Who knows, though? They could end up being a bust. The fleece liners weren’t as exciting as I thought they would be because the pigs weren’t nearly as clean with them and the liners weren’t as easy to shake out and clean as I hoped they’d be.

If these liners work out, I can give Fuzzy the last fleece liner and we can put the bamboo liners in the pig cage when we go to re-home them.

Rockefeller’s reaction was a little weird at first. Blitz didn’t have any problem with it but Rockefeller’s teeth were chattering and he was making the kind of chatter that signals distress in a guinea pig. We’re thinking maybe he just didn’t like the smell at first but then he quickly started eating and was fine.

Fuzzy’s tumor is starting to grow and he may have more than one, but he’s still able to get around and still eats plenty. He’s just sleeping a lot more.

We got a hydraulic hinge for the meter reader when they open the door to the crawl space. Maybe this will finally get them to stop slamming it like they’re pissed off. We can’t just leave it open because skunks and other animals could get under the house.

I also ordered 100 chocolate chip cookie incense sticks but those won’t be here till the end of the month.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2020 Looks like Aly stopped tweeting on her other account. Yeah, I’m not surprised. She probably set up a new one but I’ll never find it if it’s not connected to Molly. I’m sure she blocked my main account from it, too.

The largest of three spots on my leg now has a slight rise on one edge. Gonna wait until after the new year to decide what to do. Maybe I’ll take a picture of it and send it to Doc A through the portal and get her opinion on it, though she’s likely to tell me to come in. What I don’t like about this is that there are three of them and the largest spot is bigger than the one I had on my back.

I took a more peaceful route on our walk yesterday heading towards the back of the park rather than sticking to the main drags. Joe, the mailman, passed by us and we waved to each other and I said, “Long time no see!”

At some point, after we got back, I felt a little fatigued and lay down in bed figuring I would just close my eyes for a few minutes but ended up napping for almost an hour and a half. I love taking naps, but I remained kind of groggy for the rest of the day after getting up. Even so, I was up pretty late and slept a long time, causing my schedule to jump quite a bit. I slept something like 9 hours and 20 minutes. Slept till noon.

I dreamed of Bob. It was weird because it was like we were chatting like old buddies and even dancing happily together. Then there was some dream about my sheets being all torn and held together with duct tape and being hesitant to ask my parents for money to get new sheets, LOL.

It’s amazing that the house workers let me sleep since Tom said they were tremendously noisy on and off from about 8:30 to lunchtime tossing all the concrete they tore up into a dump truck. I’m both surprised and not surprised. I’m not surprised because they were working on the other side of the house opposite the bedroom but then I’m surprised that the loud vehicles going to and from the place didn’t wake me up. It’s still frustrating because I know this project is going to take weeks…and then there will be something else going on. Been here for over 7 years and I still can’t believe how fucking noisy this place is.

We ran out to Rite Aid using the cloth masks that Covered California sent us. I guess they’re supposed to be better than paper masks. He downloaded an app that will notify him if it’s discovered that anyone was in there at the time we were that ends up diagnosed with the virus.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2020 It still bugs me at times that Aly won’t give me any information about where she lives or share any pics of Cam. We’re not connected on Facebook (even though she said she hates it there anyway), I don’t know her address, there was no such doctor as what’s supposed to be Cam’s ex-SIL, and I’ve never seen a picture of her with any BF. I do have her phone number and I do have her parents’ address but still, her explanation as to why she won’t give me her address doesn’t make sense. Just because she doesn’t think she’ll be there long? But why can’t I see where she is in the meantime for however long she is there? And why would she not tell me exactly where she was on Vinton Street knowing she was about to leave there anyway? The length of time you’re going to live somewhere doesn’t seem like a legit reason to not at least let what’s supposed to be a good friend of yours check you out on Google Maps. Something just doesn’t add up.

But it’s still hard to believe she would make Cam up. To be making him up means she can’t get anybody. But then why would she not be able to get anybody? She prefers men to women and guys are easy. She wouldn’t have to be alone. If you’re a feminine woman looking for another feminine woman that would be different. But her not living anywhere for more than a few months doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to hold back, at least in my opinion.

Maria friended me and I saw that Becky was added as well. Then Becky mentioned being hacked and this made me think Maria was a fake account and that the account was somehow connected to the hacking, so I blocked it. But then Becky assured me it was genuine, and I unblocked Maria and messaged her, letting her know why she was temporarily blocked and asking how she was doing. She’s getting back on her feet after coming out to SoCal and getting screwed by the daughter she gave up for adoption and met for the first time. She found that the daughter was a big-time drug addict and hooker living on skidrow and she threw her out after just a few hours of meeting. Then I guess Maria hooked up with the wrong guy and threw her sobriety away as well as her Section 8 and medical. A little hard to feel sorry for at least some of the things she’s been through since she made her own bed and had to lie in it but I’m glad to know she’s doing better.

So I took the opportunity to ask Becky if Marie was still in New York and that while I loved and missed her, I couldn’t deal with the extreme mood swings, accusatory behavior, and paranoia.

She said she never experienced that with her but that she seemed warmer on some days and cooler and others just like anyone else. Yeah, but they never had the kind of relationship we did so I’m sure that’s a big part of it.

Becky says she creates new accounts after each failed relationship. Well, she must not have been in one for a while unless she’s using the same name for each account, which is never her real name, to create new accounts with.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2020 What the hell was that that my heart did this morning shortly after I got up??? As I was sitting there, I experienced what I’m guessing might have been A-fib but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Instead of vibrating quickly, though, my heart felt almost as if it was jumping. It was almost like I could feel it in my throat as well. It lasted 4-5 seconds and during that time I started to get dizzy and almost freaked out because I thought I was going to pass out. It probably wasn’t any big deal and hopefully, it won’t happen again anytime soon.

I took a picture of the red spots on my lower leg that I suspect may be pre-cancerous, so I have something to compare it to along the way between now and when I see my doctor in April.

The daily buzz goes on. The drone of the blowers throughout the park that don’t need to be doing the same spot every single fucking day, individuals having their lots done, the tractor tearing up the concrete where the new house is…I would want to scream or beat my head in the wall or both if I knew we weren’t moving next year! Today was probably the end of being able to sleep without being woken up since the loud traffic has been worse, partly thanks to the house workers.

We went on another noisy yet nice walk and this time for half an hour. I think my hip needs consistency as well as for me not to overdo the working out in order to keep the pain at bay. The problem is that when you’re tired so much of the time, you can’t be consistent. Maybe I could have been 20 years ago but not now.

For a while now I’ve had a vibe about getting breast cancer in my outer left boob, but I don’t think it will be any time soon. I doubt I’ll be under 65 if this really happens. It does run in my family and it is hereditary, so I suppose that I have just as much of a chance of getting that as I do of having a heart attack, stroke, or getting Alzheimer’s which also runs in the family.

It looks like one of the flower trees is blooming in someone’s yard as if it’s all confused by the warmer weather. Things don’t usually start blooming here until early March.

As I’m learning the hard way, nail polish strips have a shelf life. Did some research and it seems to be about a year. This makes sense when I think about it because nail polish in a bottle goes bad after a while, too. So I’m likely to end up with a lot of bad sets of nails and wasted money for hoarding too many at once. From now on I will order just one set at a time and stick with Wokoto since they fit the best and are the cheapest yet still of excellent quality.

It’s so nice to see Tom be able to enjoy his free time after working hard for many decades. So many things he wanted to do that he just didn’t have the time to do, mostly computer and electronics-related, of course. He deserves the break even though he is going to return to work sooner or later. Even though he wants to see about getting in with Amazon and then transferring to Florida, I just don’t “see” him working in Cali ever again.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2020 Woke up with a sore throat though I don’t see how I could possibly be coming down with anything because I’m one of the most isolated people I know. Earlier I had quite a bit of fatigue and was so cold, too. Finally had to really push myself to go out walking. It was a noisy walk too, thanks to all the damn landscaping. Also, they’re working on the new house for God knows how many more weeks. Can’t hear that much inside the house but their trucks coming and going could wake me up.

I realized lately that I haven’t had issues with tardive dyskinesia in quite a while now. It seemed to go on for so many years that I really believed it would never go away. Wish I could say that about my TMJ although it’s better again. I guess oiling my ear did help. The dry conditions really mess it up at times. Hopefully, that means it will be better in Florida. We might actually get rain again in a few days which helps my skin.

But that damn hip of mine is driving me crazy! In light of having more and more joint issues, I realize that I’m going to have to choose between pain and eating when I’m hungry or less pain and more hunger. I may not be “obese” per se, but I’m weighty due to my muscles. Losing muscle wouldn’t be good or easy since it’s natural for me, so in order to lighten the stress on my joints, I’d have to eat less. A LOT less and that would mean going hungry much of the time. Then I’d have to keep it up, for the most part, in order to keep the weight off.

Now, I do handle pain a lot better than I handle hunger. So it may be best to just look at it as I do with my ear. I don’t like it, but I’ve accepted that I’m going to have to live with on-and-off ear/TMJ pain for the rest of my life. Maybe I should have that attitude with the hip pain and continue eating when I’m hungry. After all, millions of others live full lives that are heavier than me. I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2020 Got some rain over the last couple of days and it’s made things so much more peaceful. Still hear a few planes and some loud vehicles but not nearly as much as usual. I hope the rain helps my skin because it’s been horribly dry lately as it’s been like a desert here. After today, who knows how many days it will be or even weeks before we see it again.

Yesterday we rearranged the living and dining areas but decided to leave the projector screen up for a while longer.

Back on the treadmill again and wondering why a brisk 3mph walk has me so winded all of a sudden. Today and yesterday I’ve experienced that suffocating feeling where I’m able to breathe but it’s like there’s no oxygen in the air. It’s weird. I guess I must have fallen that out of shape or something.

Plus, my ear – or TMJ – or whatever the fuck it really is, has been bugging me despite oiling my ear and doing those jaw exercises.

I was going to take today off but since I slept well and have good energy today, I figured I would wait until traffic starts waking me up again and I’m too tired to work out. It was so nice being able to sleep with just Alexa on volume seven last night instead of her on volume eight and the stereo blasting white noise as well.

I was reading a sad and discouraging article about how quiet places are becoming more and more extinct and that yes, the world is getting louder. It isn’t just me imagining it or exaggerating things or being overly sensitive in any way. After reading it, I just can’t help but wonder how far is far enough. I realize that now that our old place in Maricopa is probably just as overrun with loud vehicles and probably even motorcycles, a box fan wouldn’t be enough for me anymore if we were still there. I’d have to get at least 500 feet away from the street these days to drown out all the chaos without blasting the shit out of the sound machines, yet not many places are that far from the street. The only pieces of land big enough that we could afford to move to aren’t in climates I want to be in. I think we’ll be damn lucky if we can get half that far from the neighbor’s dogs, boom stereos, screaming kids, and traffic, but it’s better than just a few feet.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2020 It rained last night, which is great because we not only need it, but the conditions here have been so damn dry that it’s really drying the hell out of my skin. The rain has been keeping the planes quiet this morning as well.

I got a bath bomb and took a bath with it yesterday to help moisturize my skin a bit more but if it helped it wasn’t by much. There was a prize in the coconut-scented center of the large bomb which took forever to completely dissolve. I didn’t have my glasses on so all I could see was something glittery inside a tiny clear plastic bubble. I thought maybe it was earbuds but when I got out of the tub and put my glasses on, I could see that it was a hair tie. I can wear it as a bracelet as well. It’s a nice light turquoise color with what looks like crushed ice crystals on it.

My ear has been dry as hell again too, so I’ve been oiling it every day. At least I went a little longer this time before it started getting to me again.

We got stay-at-home text messages yesterday on our phones. No problem since we’re already homebodies with no place to go anyway. It was exciting seeing headlines about millions of doses of the vaccine about to be distributed throughout the country!

We began removing some of the wall stickers with the heat gun yesterday. We actually started with the pink rat on his bedroom door. We’re going to leave the flowers and butterflies. We’re going to be removing the stripper, mermaid, moon, dancers, and stuff like that.

We decided we’re going to touch up the paint throughout the place but paper the hallway, leaving the forest mural as is.

Getting spam from Sundae isn’t exactly waiting until next year to reach out to me. Kind of annoyed that they took it upon themselves to sign me up for their newsletter but still hoping to get a good deal from them and have a much quicker and easier experience than we would using a traditional real estate agent.

This morning we’re going to rearrange the living room to give it more of a traditional appearance for when they come to look at the place. We’re going to take the projector screen down and put the big screen TV back up. Also gonna drag the couch toward the center of the room. I’ll set the treadmill back up because I’ve been lazing out of cardio too much lately. Sometimes I can’t be that active anyway because I’m too tired but the only way I don’t get bored with walking unless I’m outdoors is to put my old laptop on the treadmill tray and do some puzzles or something while I’m walking. Even listening to music, audiobooks, or watching TV isn’t enough for me. The time simply passes by faster when I do puzzles.

My small pair of scissors with curved blades is getting old and dull so I ordered a new one with rainbow colors like the silverware set we got. I also ordered a three-pack of leggings for a couple of my large dolls. One pair is dark pink, another is pale pink, and another is white with pale pink flowers. The tag inside Jade’s old faded lavender pants said T2 so that’s what I got. The waistband will probably be too big for Mei Lin, but I don’t plan on keeping her anyway.

The coolest part of yesterday was receiving Aly’s gifts. As I told her, with our families being dead, assholes, or both, it meant a lot to me. She sent a beautiful necklace and bracelet she made using my favorite colors. In doing so she gave me a couple of ideas I never thought of before. One is to tie the beads off at both ends before I make the final knot. This would make it so much easier if it slipped out of my hand as I was trying to tie it. That way the beads won’t go flying all over the place and need to be restrung.

Another thing was the wax cord with the claw clasp already attached to it. I was really into magnetic clasps for a while until I realized what a pain in the ass they can be by grabbing other things. Chains would wind themselves around it, so I went back to traditional claw clasps or toggle clasps. What’s cool about these cords which come in a variety of colors from what I saw on Amazon is that you can restring whatever beads you want on them to suit your mood or match the color of your outfit. Never thought of a changing necklace before but that’s a great idea!

So my necklace is on a pink cord with rainbow beads and a really pretty pink crystal cube dangling from the center of it. The necklace says “Lady Rainbow” with pink purple and gold beads mixed in. I will always treasure them!

Plus there was a card, a cute nail file with pink hearts, and vanilla lip gloss.

Anyway, I slept well again. Crashed at about 5 p.m. and got up at 1:30 a.m. to pee and take my meds. I laid back down and figured I would get up in a half-hour and make coffee, but I dozed off for another 90 minutes.

We’re going to be taking care of all the animals today, including moving Fuzzy into the big cage. That cage is a little too big for one bale of bedding, but it would be perfect for him since he’s smaller and doesn’t pee every other minute as guinea pigs do. He’s too fat to get through the bars and doesn’t have the strength to climb much anymore. He still gets around well otherwise and hasn’t lost his appetite yet or anything like that.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2020 Covered California sent us 4 high-quality masks. They’re dull colors with two of them being black and a couple of teal ones but they’re comfortable and adjustable.

I’m completely dumbfounded by all the planes I’m hearing in the morning. People are just so damn stupid and they just don’t get it, do they? Everybody always thinks they’re invincible until something happens to them. Wish I could jump ahead to January, not just so there won’t be as many stupid people flying but so I don’t have to listen to it either. The airlines are just as bad for allowing this to go on, but they’ll do anything to make money and fuck who it affects along the way. If anything, they’re starting earlier and earlier. First it was 5:40, then 5:25, and now it’s 5:05.

Thanks, God. Thanks a fucking lot.

At least I finally got caught up on sleep…for now. I’m sure some attention-hungry fucker will wake me up again soon enough. I went from a sleep score of 80 to 86. I just worry that if there really is something up there cursing my sleep as seems to have been the case all my life, it’s going to get around whatever blocks I set up in the future. I could soundproof, I could get a sleep pod, I could do whatever, and it’s going to see that as defiant and maybe hit me with more nightmares or have me wake up more often just because. I still woke up a few times on my own, once to pee. But I feel much more rested and hope to start removing some of the wall stickers while I’ve got the energy.

The bulk pick-up trash people were late as usual, but someone took the bike.

When I was in the bathroom, I heard a bang. My first thought was that it was someone visiting Virginia but then when I went into Tom’s room, he said it was them reading the meter. So much for him throwing hinges and weather stripping around it. People are just so damn aggressive when it comes to doors for some reason! The schedule predictor says I’ll be asleep for the next reading so as I told him, just pull the damn door out. They can’t slam what isn’t there. That’s not a sound thing but a vibration thing. The thumping jolts the place so it doesn’t matter how loud I have the sound machines going at the time.

Also when I was in the bathroom, I heard buzzing and thought, oh shit. The damn cock across the street is back with the sawing again. But it was the people working on the trim again. I don’t know if they had to fix something they didn’t do right the first time around or do the final touches on it but they weren’t there long, and even though I could hear some of it inside the house, it wasn’t loud. It was fun watching them leave as I was unwinding in bed on our little spy cam. I have the WYZE app loaded on my phone.

They didn’t work on the new house yesterday, but the trailer is still there. I don’t hear much of anything they do inside the house anyway. It’s their damn vehicles that are loud.

I’m seeing chicken breasts in a whole new light. It used to always be my least favorite part of the chicken because I just never thought white meat tasted as good and it tends to be drier. Yet it came out great yesterday in the slow cooker. I just need to make it a little cheesier. So instead of seasoning it and putting it in the cooker with chicken broth in it, I’m doing that but also adding parmesan cheese, additional slices of Swiss cheese, and a slathering of mayo and sour cream over the top of it.

After sharing the link to an entry from my recipe book on PB with Aly, I warned her it was coded and that I would see her on my visitor report. Of course I didn’t, though, and just as I predicted she would, she never told me that no, she wouldn’t show up. This is either because she didn’t click on it or is hiding. I suspect she’s been reading me at times to compare what I send her versus what I share with others out of curiosity but is flying under radar.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2020 Forget about being woken up in the daytime. Now I can’t even sleep at 11 at night! I was sleeping shitty to begin with too, because the purring cat was obnoxious with its choppy, grating, and non-consistent sound. I woke up many times along the way, including to pee, and when I saw it was 9:30, I figured it was safe enough to switch to pink noise. Wrong! At 11 was when a loud vehicle woke me up. It’s really fucking sad and infuriating that the need for attention has to extend into people’s sleep. Really, if you feel you need the attention of just anybody and everybody that bad, see a therapist instead!

This is just ridiculous. Totally fucking ridiculous and I’m going to put the stereo back on. It’s here and it’s set up so I may as well use it in addition to Alexa, but I’m not taking it with us because I refuse to ever again live practically in the middle of the street. I dozed on and off until 2, making a huge jump in my schedule. Now the planes are going crazy.

I wish I knew if we were going to be on one of them when it comes time to leave but that’s going to depend on how well or not so well the virus is contained, along with money. If it weren’t for those things, it would certainly be a hell of a lot less stressful for Tom not to have to drive across the country, and easier on me since I can’t always sleep at night, wake up so easily, and am badly affected by lack of sleep. Plus, it’s safer to fly than to drive when you get the virus out of the picture. I don’t know that we’ll know either way for sure until we know what we’re going to get for the house.

I can see why circadian rhythm disorder seems to worsen with age. In my twenties and early thirties, once I was out, I stayed that way until I got up, and so it was a little easier to control my schedule back then. Not anymore! I have to stay in bed longer to make up for the sleep disturbances, and the fatigue hits me harder than when I was younger.

Tom was able to convert his appointment to a video appointment but now it will be in January instead of December.

The vaccine and our moving day can’t come fast enough as I was telling my buddy. I feel like I’m always stuck in this endless waiting game. And there are no guarantees it will be much better when we move. I mean, logically it makes sense that it should be if you get further from the street and get a sleep pod as well, but it seems something up there is determined to fuck with my sleep no matter where I am or what’s going on.

The bulk trash pickup is today but sometimes they’re a day or two late. We put out the old pink and purple bike I got in Oregon, an old box spring and mattress, and the old, rotted gate that used to be in back.

The Swiss chicken I baked came out horribly. The meat was so tough that I thought it was still frozen when I tried cutting it. This time I seasoned it first and slow-cooked it in chicken broth and I think it will be a lot better.

Aly says I will get my birthday present Saturday, and that Molly deleted her on Fitbit probably because she hasn’t been as supportive of her since she hasn’t gotten the same support in return. I told her the message disappeared when I tapped on the notification and she said she deleted it because she figured I would react the way I reacted about Molly.

Yeah, I figured that’s why she deleted it but why is she so defensive of this person who’s never really been a true friend to her? Molly is bipolar. They’re nothing but non-stop drama and trouble as I’ve told her, but she doesn’t seem to want to hear it. Oh well. It’s still her life and her choice.

Twice I had to ask her if we were going to meet Cam if we ended up driving through there and she said that would depend on his schedule. Oh, I would bet just about anything that if we do drive, he’ll definitely happen to be working.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2020 And again some bastard woke me up, probably one of the trucks leaving the new house that they started working on again. And just like I knew I would be, I’m tired, since the general rule these days is that once my sleep is broken up, I’m going to end up tired no matter how much more sleep I get when I finally get back to sleep. And that I am! However, I did manage to make my Swiss chicken. I just put it in the oven. Hope it comes out okay because the chicken was still partially frozen.

Going to switch from white noise and airplane to white noise and purring cat since the cat almost sounds like a motor itself and maybe it will blend in with the millions of ferociously loud vehicles this world has these days all because people just have to have attention no matter who it affects. Really, I can’t express just how fucking sick of this shit I am! That’s three times in less than a week that they woke me up. Then afterward, I woke up a million times just because and once to pee. Still not taking the stereo because I refuse to ever again live so close to the street, especially a busy one. I’m done with this shit. No, the past is not going to return to haunt me in this case because I won’t let it. However, I may have to re-add the stereo when I’m sleeping during the daytime if I can’t tweak the sleep sounds just right. I don’t think there’s anything I can really do either way because of a combination of how loud vehicles are, how close to the street we are, and what this house is made of.

Last night at 3 a.m. the place started smelling of skunks and it even woke Tom up. As I told him, that was the first thing I thought of; that it would wake me up if I was asleep.

He installed two cameras, one on the patio and one in the carport. It makes recordings of “events” whenever there is motion and has excellent night vision as well. We checked it but the skunk we smelled didn’t come within range of the cameras.

Because central Florida is going to be a little colder and not as pretty as the Gulf Coast, part of me wishes I could end up falling in love with a park and finding it radically different than this one, but I know that’s just a fantasy. People are going to have loud vehicles there too. People are also going to do projects there.

The only things that may be more annoying in a rural setting than a park would be excessive barking, loose dogs, and possibly boom car stereos. But on the bright side, no one could get within a few yards of our windows and we would definitely be safer from hurricanes.

I used to not understand why just because you were older it meant you had to cut your hair off but now I get it. The older I get, the sicker I get of having long hair. I have yet to get, however, why most lesbians and bisexual women “happen” to feel the need to cut their hair off just because they’re attracted to women. I never could make the connection. I’ve been attracted to women yet never felt the urge to cut my hair off because of it. I want to cut it because I’m sick of dealing with it because thick curls are hard to care for, but not before a vaccine is available. Besides, like most older people, I dye my hair more than when I was younger, and this is easier to do with shorter hair. And when I say “short” I don’t mean above the shoulders. No need for me to go that short.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2020 If Aly said everything that was on her mind, would she sound like Andy?

Speaking of him, I had a dream about him last night. The dream had to do with me missing him and being happy to get an email from him, unable to resist the urge to smile when I saw it was from him and knowing I’d replied even though I shouldn’t.

I do miss him at times in real life, but we could never resume our friendship because I know that he is who he is just like I am who I am. I would have the same problems I had with him half a decade ago and that I also had with him in the '80s and '90s where he believed every other thing I said was a lie (along with everything everyone else in the world said), and he’d be the same old pushy, judgmental, argumentative person he always was, not to mention the fact that he could be incredibly insensitive when it came to physical and emotional suffering.

That’s another thing that got to me when watching a Lifetime movie. When one actor said to another that they were worried she may be considering suicide, she answered with, “No, that’s too selfish.”

That right there told me how naive and uneducated the scriptwriter must be. If committing suicide is selfish, what about the terminally ill who choose the right to die? Really, calling someone who commits suicide selfish is like calling a paraplegic lazy.

Loved the one where this guy takes a bat to the neighbor’s noisy lawnmower. If only we could all just take a bat to the things that annoyed us, no repercussions, no nothing.

I also dreamed of my ENT. I don’t know why she’s been on my mind a lot. I certainly don’t have a crush on her, so I guess it’s just that I hope to find doctors just as good in the new place and that I feel just as comfortable with.

In the dream, she was also a DEA and a singer but her last name was Spencer.

I’ve been doing some exercises to help increase flexibility since I’m learning more and more that flexibility isn’t always connected to weight. I’ve seen people bigger than me be more flexible.

We forgot the water was going off yesterday for a few hours, but Tom was lucky enough to have just finished showering when it did. That’s why I try to avoid showers in the daytime. I had just finished brushing my teeth and had to rinse my mouth out with bottled water.

We ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday. Same cashier as last time. She changed her fake nails and I showed her my latest nail stickers. Of all the things I could pick on myself for, I really did get blessed in the nail department. Yes, I have ridges but at least I can grow them if I want to. I’ve seen nails so short that they’re like little stripes across the tips of the fingers they’re on and wider than they are longer. Mine could never be wider than longer even when they’re cut short.

There is never a quiet moment these days in this park. The freeway is roaring at night and the planes are zooming overhead in the daytime. I still can’t believe the constant never-ending traffic on Eisenhower. It doesn’t matter what time of day or year it is. There is always a heavy and constant flow.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2020 My skin is dry as hell. Oh, the joys of living in desert and desert-like climates for the last 28.5 years! It’s going to be 70 degrees tomorrow. First time it’s ever been that high in December in all the years I’ve been here!

I won’t be making any Swiss chicken tonight. Thanks to the pandemic they didn’t have chicken breasts when Walmart delivered this morning. We’ll try again in a few days, but honestly, I wouldn’t have the energy to cook tonight anyway thanks to whatever fucker (probably a motorcycle) woke me up in the middle of my sleep. It took me nearly an hour to fall back asleep and I just didn’t sleep well overall with the stress of knowing something else could go roaring by.

Tom assures me that we really will get a quieter house on a street where less traffic goes by. God, I hope to hell he’s right! And please, no more commercial planes, small planes, military planes, helicopters, and every fucking flying object in the world along with the obnoxious buzz of the freeway! As it is, I swear I’ve been hearing something loud running off in the distance and it’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know if it’s some kind of construction or a woodchipper running or what but even the nights suck here. The pandemic has quieted the commercial planes at night but the mornings are still rocking. If anything, they’re starting a little earlier than usual. 5:25 on the dot.

But I swear that when the damn motorcycle went by, the volume on Alexa wasn’t turned up as high, almost as if something up there wanted it to wake me up. Then I swear I heard it get louder again later on. Am I losing my mind or did I really hear that?

I am extremely grateful right now that he doesn’t have to work due to the virus. Every 1 in 1100 people in the US dies from it and it’s now the leading cause of death in the US. I’ve beaten the odds on more than half of those winning cruises! I read that Russia and the UK have begun mass vaccinations so hopefully, we’ll get ours within a few months.

I did a Twitter poll asking if anyone knew more about me than I think they do that’s significant. I got a yes and a no and I wonder if both votes came from Aly to throw me off her scent. If it’s Aly that said yes and it really is true, then how? A paid search? Hacking me somehow?

I know she’s lied about doing a paid search on me. What she said to Molly about finding out who’s behind accounts, finding my old account, visiting a secondary PB account I used to have that I hadn’t used in a while…I’m no idiot.

The question is why she bothered to look me up. I know she didn’t sign up for a paid search solely with me and mind, but she had to have looked me up for some reason. Was it just genuine curiosity or was she looking for something to use against me? Aly has never come off as the vindictive type like the termites. Not without doing something really serious to her. She didn’t do anything to me when she dumped me.

She tweeted that she would lose a lot of friends if she shared everything that was on her mind. Yeah, I know. That’s why I wonder just how true of a friend she really is at times. She seems to be sincere most of the time, but I still think those tweets about thinking often of ghosting someone and making herself harder to find were indeed about me. I learned just what she really thought of me when I spotted a tweet of hers saying she was excited that I wouldn’t be around for a couple of weeks when we went to Florida.

It is still kind of weird that we’re not connected on Facebook, no matter how much she says she doesn’t like Facebook, just like Maliheh and I were never connected there. Also, there’s got to be some reason she won’t share a picture of Cam or her address. What does she think I would possibly do with that information? This is why I sometimes wonder if the guy is even real since she has, after all, shared her parents’ address. Intelligent or not, that’s still one hell of a game to be playing for this long if she really is.

Since our smart smoke detector expired, he installed a basic one. It doesn’t beep nearly as loud as smoke detectors usually do. It gives off 3 beeps for fire warnings and 4 for carbon monoxide.

I had a dream I was playing with a rat in some building. I was letting it run around loose and then I picked it up. My dad was there, and I let him crawl on him and sniff him out curiously, ensuring my dad he wouldn’t bite.

Then I was going to be sharing a small two-bedroom apartment with a couple of deaf women. They were surprised to find I knew ASL.

I just got a great idea for the cute popcorn tin. Well, I’ve been wanting a utensil organizer but they’re more expensive than you think so maybe when we get settled, we can use the tin and he can print out dividers to insert so things won’t slip down and will remain upright easier. Another possibility for it is small doll clothes.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2020 Made my dinner of Pacific whiting with some shredded green, yellow and red peppers, and diced onions. Later I’ll have some chicken wings.

Tomorrow I’m going to be trying a new recipe, Swiss chicken. I don’t remember who it was, but I was reading a random journal on PB where someone mentioned it. I looked it up out of curiosity and decided it was a recipe I would like to try.

My weight is down a bit because I didn’t eat much yesterday mostly because I was just too tired to cook anything. So I can lose weight but I can’t because I’m not going to have just 1000 calories every single day and live on nothing but meat and veggies. Then again, I still don’t think I would lose much more than a few pounds even if I could stick to the same old limited low-cal diet.

What was weird was that yesterday I wasn’t just tired, but more like that rundown kind of feeling you get when you have a cold. I didn’t even wear my Fitbit until I went to bed because I knew I wasn’t going to get shit for steps.

They replaced Virginia’s trellis along her carport yesterday, but it wasn’t loud enough to wake me up. I thought I heard something when I got up to pee at 8:30 so that’s probably what it was since it didn’t seem loud enough or sound right to be the bastard with the saw.

This is the longest we’ve known that bastard not to do any sawing and I’m wondering if I was right about suspecting he had some kind of job connected to construction that he isn’t doing anymore. Maybe he’s now fully retired or is staying home because of the virus but he definitely has seemed to be home more often yet quieter.

“Or maybe he finished working on the house,” Tom said.

Yeah, or maybe he got sick or someone finally complained about him. Who knows? I just like him better when he’s quiet.

Just had a weird experience where it felt like I wasn’t getting much air when I was breathing. I could breathe fine, it’s just that it didn’t seem like there was any oxygen in the air I was breathing.

My TMJ had been doing great ever since I saw my ENT last summer with just a few annoying days but lately, it’s been annoying me again.

Took a peek in on Times Square when it was midnight there. Couldn’t believe all the kids that were out! My mother let me stay up later on weekends too, but not until midnight.

I’m working out a little differently tonight. I’m spending 5 minutes working my arms and then 5 minutes walking around the house briskly. Then in an hour or so I’ll work my core for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. In another hour I’ll work my legs for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So 15 minutes of cardio and 15 of working various body parts.

Started beading a Y-necklace and it looks a little weird so I put it down for now and will return to it later with a fresh perspective and decide whether or not I want to restring it a little differently.

Got a notification from Google saying that after 2 years of inactivity when it comes to Google Docs, blogs, and other things, they’ll close your account down. My creations are like my children. Mothers do what they can to see that their children survive, and I still feel compelled, for whatever reason, to see that my journals live on in cyberspace for as long as possible after I’m gone. But then it hit me that the sites my stuff is on wouldn’t necessarily be around forever. I don’t know if they would be archived in some kind of time machine or what, but I realize that there are no guarantees. However, I figured I could help keep my account active by creating a picture blog where a random picture of me is scheduled to post every year beginning in 2030, not that I don’t expect to be alive then. But this way, if anything were to happen to us both suddenly and unexpectedly, maybe that will “trick” Google into thinking the account is still active. I’ll start slowing the future journal blog posts down too. Instead of having a month publish every day or so, I’ll start stretching it out into the future once I get to the 2020 journals. Or maybe not.

Had a bunch of weird dreams that didn’t make much sense. In one I was watching a bunch of people enter a large foyer in a large house one night and was surprised that not one of them had a mask on. Then one of the guys was swabbing everyone’s mouth.

Then I was late for some kind of school I was attending and couldn’t find the phone I normally took with me, so I had to find another device to take.

Then I was digging through some stuff and found some things I’d forgotten about, including some plants that may or may not have been real.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2020 I’m now officially a semi-senior! Well, if that’s what turning 55 is considered anyway.

Then having fun with my new pink 7-layer organizer. I know some people see this sort of thing as a chore but it’s fun for me to get organized. I hate having to dive through piles of stuff to find things anyway. I didn’t fill all the compartments as I plan to rearrange things again once we get settled. I’ve already packed some things that this organizer would be great for and will probably get a few more eventually. It’s mostly going to be for jewelry, hair accessories, sewing stuff, and maybe even some doll stuff. The clear apple-shaped case it came with is adorable.

These organizers may have been money well spent but the nail striping tape wasn’t. No matter how well I reinforce it, it peels right off.

Sundae got back to me but rather than giving me a yes or a no as to whether or not they deal with manufactured homes on leased lots, she asked for my address and offered to do a phone call.

I didn’t want to ghost her so I replied thanking her for getting back to me and letting her know up front that we don’t plan to put the house on the market until March, but I did give her the address as I’m curious to see what she has to say. I don’t want to get my hopes up on these people to find that they won’t work with us. I sure hope they will, though, and the fact that she didn’t give me a flat-out “no” gives me hope! This would be a million times easier than taking the traditional selling route. To not have to deal with showings and to know exactly when to expect what and to be able to leave crap behind would be wonderful but only if they’re willing to deal with us and not rip us off. We agreed that accepting less than 60k would be ripping ourselves off. You only have 60 days from the time you get paid to get out. I guess this is so you don’t have as much time to gut the place and all that.

We’re still going to prep the place as planned. I absolutely love having washerless shower handles! I swear our next place is not going to have a single washer in it except for the ones that wash clothes and dishes!

Tomorrow will be the big test for the new sleeping sound setup unless they come early and I’m up late. It’s funny how big of a difference there is between volumes 7 and 8. 7 is a little too soft and 8 is deafening. Tom brought up a good suggestion and asked if there was a 7.1 or something like that. Well, I’ll try starting at 7 when it comes time and then ask Alexa to raise it to 7.5 and see if it gets a little louder.

I’m so glad my genius husband told me that yes, there is a command to get speech-to-text to write quotes for dialogue when doing stories. It must be a new thing because I’ve looked for ways to do that in the past and never could find any. But “open quote” and “close quote” work great!

I hope it’s just the Fitbit or the app that’s having issues because I’m still seeing dips in my HR even when I’m sure the Fitbit is snugly against me and not too loose or anything. Just yesterday I watched it zig zag from the 70s and 80s to the 50s and 60s before it settled into the usual 80s and 90s.

Thought of a hilarious revenge story that would be fun and therapeutic to write in the way that the other story was that involves the sickos in Arizona. This one would deal with the termites. Termite Tammy might die before I do and the Arizona sickos may be gone around the time I’m gone, but the baby termites will still be around if I schedule it to launch after I’m gone just like the other story.

It’s going to be revenge with a supernatural twist. The drama queen can be sitting on Facebook, for example, when a message pops up saying something like, “Partly thanks to you, I lost 6 months of my life. You are going to lose 6 things that are very precious to you one by one.”

But then the message disappears as if it never existed leaving her with nothing to run to the bacon with.

Meanwhile, Mark and her twisted offspring make 4. The fifth loss could be losing her home and possessions in a hurricane. The last loss could be to lose her sight in an accident or something.

Yeah, I think this just may be fun. But not until I finish my crazy female serial killer story.

Later…

Everyone I figured I’d get a birthday wish from on Facebook did in fact send birthday wishes with one exception. Minnie surprised me with a message. Until now, it seemed that all she wanted to do was add me and then ignore me.

I’m not surprised that Mitch, Adonis, and Jessie blew me off and I really wasn’t sure as far as Eileen went. Didn’t hear from her, though.

It was kind of funny how the birthday wishes changed languages depending on the time of day. They started off in German since they’re ahead of us and then changed to English.

My birthday went from fun to frustrating when the garbage and recycle trucks woke me up three fucking times. It isn’t just insanely loud engines but there’s something on those damn trucks that make a really loud bang. Whatever it is, it’s insanely loud and it’s just fucking ridiculous that someone has to be woken up just because it’s trash day. I really REALLY hope to hell we’re done with this shit when we move!

I tried it out, but Alexa doesn’t do any in-between volumes. It doesn’t matter either way because no matter how loud I blasted the fucking thing, I could still hear them loud and clear. Hell, they are still just a few feet away and these walls are barely thicker than cardboard.

It’s been interesting hearing from those who have sought help from a dietitian, but I doubt I’ll see one since I still don’t think they could tell me what I don’t already know. I’d rather spend the money reducing my boobs, not that I likely ever would. The biggest thing I would love to have would be to get my vision corrected and out of glasses for at least a decade, but I don’t think that’s possible. Instead, the only elective procedure I’ll probably get done is pit hair removal.

Despite the rude awakenings, good news came in the mail today. COVID Unemployment has been extended for another 20 weeks and he doesn’t have to look for a job until he’s told otherwise. He still wants to see about getting in with Amazon and then whether or not he can transfer to a facility in Florida. However, and as I told him, I have two strong vibes right now and that’s that he’ll never again work in the state of Cali and we are going to fly out of here.

One down, one to go! Pretty sure Sundae would be happy to give us an offer when the time comes. Then all we have to do is hope they don’t want to rip us off and offer us $20,000. If they really mean it as far as being okay with not making as much of a profit per house as they claim in their video, I don’t see why they wouldn’t agree to not go lower than 60K since they could almost certainly get 80K-90K for this place once it’s been remodeled and well, 20-30 grand is still a substantial profit. But I guess that unlike traditional real estate agents who try to make a bigger profit off of fewer people, they settle for a lesser profit from more people.

I can see where it wouldn’t be wise to tell them up front we don’t want to go under 60K because then they might be like, “Okay we’ll give you that much then,” whereas we could have gotten 80K instead.

Anyway, no guarantees but it’s looking like yes, this house might very well be sold to Sundae which actually focuses on houses that are outdated. I’ve always had a strong feeling that this place would go to a flipper. So they’ll remodel it and then someone can pay a fortune to listen to all the planes, traffic and landscaping. Oh, and have their water turned off periodically too. I was just thinking how this has been one of the longest times we’ve gone without them turning off the water, but then we got a notification that it’s going off for a few hours on Monday.

Bridgette, the woman I’ve been communicating with, thanked me for the info and asked if she could reach out to me after the new year and I told her she could and thanked her for putting a smile on my face for my 55th birthday.

She replied with a birthday gif, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2020 When I asked Aly if her doctor was aware of her low-calorie intake, she assured me her weight wasn’t down because of starving and that she doesn’t let herself go hungry for too long and that it’s because of her Crohn’s disease. Then she goes in Tweets in her other account that while she gets that some people mean well, one of the reasons she doesn’t discuss her health issues is because people butt in when it’s not necessary.

But she’s the one who brought it up. Why do some people write about certain things or tell people whatever and then get all bent out of shape when the person reading it, out of curiosity, has a question about it or a comment to make? Wouldn’t it be a lot easier to just not bring these things up in the first place if you can’t handle what questions or feedback you may get? That’d be like my getting mad at someone after telling them I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my Fitbit and they suggested a possible culprit/solution. Seriously, you have no right to get upset if you’re the one who opens the door in the first place. Sorry, but you’re a coward if you can’t go directly to the source. What was language created for if not to use it to communicate and express yourself…to the proper people?

It makes me wonder about a couple of other things. How many other things am I supposedly saying or asking that offend her, and why doesn’t she tell me if I upset or annoy her that much?

I thought about confronting her but then that would be verifying that yes, I’m aware of her other account when I would prefer her not to be too sure of that (unless she’s hacking anything of mine) because this way I get to see more of her true colors on what’s really on her mind. Especially since she won’t come to me directly, but that’s okay because, in a sense, I’m not going to her about it either. At least not directly. I’m kind of going about it in a roundabout way, dancing around the subject but bringing up the same point. I guess we both just want to keep the peace. If she has no way to read my private journal now, she’ll know about it in the future since I’m guessing there is a good chance she may read whatever I make public after I’m gone.

She says my package will be late and that she’ll be sending it Friday, but I told her not to worry about it since she has a lot more important things to deal with right now.

Later…

I was browsing around EarthCam and it’s pretty cool. Love how I can see many different cities in many different states, including other countries. As much as I hate big cities and cold climates, I love to look in on Times Square. There’s always something to see even in the middle of the night. It’s great because it’s like being in the city without being in the city. I can look in and listen for as long as I want and then click right out of it and be done with it. Wish I could do that here!

What surprises me is the temperature being in the upper 30s at this time of year in the dead of night. That’s not what I remember the temps to be when I last lived in the Northeast.

I’ve seen people in red jumpsuits sweeping the area where there are scattered tables and chairs, I’ve also seen plenty of cop cars and of course tons of taxis. There was even a small crowd that formed a circle around some street dancers, and this was at 10:30 at night.

It’s always so light even in the middle of the night because of all the giant digital billboards. It seems to throw the pigeons’ schedule off because they’re usually nocturnal, yet I occasionally see them hunting for scraps of food on the ground.

What I don’t get is how so many people can sit outside at the tables and gab away at 3 in the morning as if it was the middle of a beautiful day.

I changed the rat’s cage a little while ago. His tumor almost seems like it’s not growing which is a bit unusual. Usually, they keep growing steadily and quite fast too. He shared a fresh lettuce leaf with Blitz while I worked on his cage. I picked out all the wasted leaves from the pig cages. Damn, those guys are so wasteful!

Last night I made the prettiest bracelet yet. It is just so beautiful and so me! Very pink and shiny. I alternated between hot pink and bright white lava beads with rainbow gemstone separators.

My first attempt at making a daisy bracelet was a bust. The first one came out okay, but I struggled with the second one.

Using Nature Sounds for Sleep seems to be really helping a lot. The real test will be trash day but if they come early, I might still be up. I’m still going to want a backup to Alexa even if we leave the stereo behind, and it’s looking like we will at this point. If the net went out or there was a power failure, I’d want to have a portable sound machine as a backup. One that isn’t 20 years old like the one I’ve got is. I’ll take the old one until it’s replaced, though. Just not the stereo.

We talked about me getting permanent hair removal done under my arms since for some reason shaving irritates the hell out of me these days and I would want to be shaved year-round there, and maybe even check into seeing a dietitian once we get settled and know what our money is going to be like. I’ve got mixed emotions about a dietitian. Part of accepting myself as I am means doing what I’ve been doing for the most part and that’s not trying to change things. Also, I don’t see what they could tell me that I don’t already know. I’d have to cut my calories lower than I could stand and do tons of working out to maybe lose weight that will only come right back. We know there are no magic foods or magic food combinations but just some foods that can make it easier to gain weight.

But then I didn’t think Amy could help me as much as she did, and I realize that staying this heavy isn’t good for me even if over two-thirds of me is muscle. It’s much harder to get around and I know it can’t be good for my blood pressure, cholesterol, and shit like that. I know I can’t diet and exercise it off as most people can, so I suppose that if the opportunity ever presented itself it can’t hurt to at least try one and see what they say. Maybe they can really tell me something I don’t already know.

But then what about my old 250-pound GYN? Why can’t they help her get the weight off if she doesn’t want to get the gastric sleeve? She’s a doctor. If she can’t lose weight, how could I?

Facebook might have actually done us a great favor for once and for all with all the stupid unwanted suggestions they throw in my newsfeed as if I can’t look things up on my own, by throwing in an ad for a company called Sundae. If there isn’t some hidden catch and they would be willing to give us the minimum of what we want for this place and they don’t exclude manufactured homes on leased lots, they would make things a million times easier for both of us. They give you a quote and you’ve got 60 days to get out (so you don’t have as much time to gut the place or anything). You not only wouldn’t have to deal with having to show the place, but they say you can also skip the repairs and leave all your junk behind too. That would be a huge convenience for us not to have to deal with Goodwill coming to pick up what they would take and the pressure of having to find ways to get rid of what they wouldn’t.

It would also make the move itself easier because we would have a much better idea of when we needed to be out of here whereas if we went about it the usual way, we have to wait until everything closes and we wouldn’t know exactly when that would be right down to the day. So it would be a huge convenience for us because then we could line up the dates easier as to when to get plane tickets if we were flying, schedule a pod to pack our stuff in if it was going to be shipped, or when to get a U-Haul if we were going to drive across.

If we go with them, we may not contact them until late March because we still don’t want to leave too early. I’ve been ready to go for years but the plan is to arrive in the summer when the heat, humidity, and all those allergens are at their worst so I can get a sense of how I’m going to handle it.

But damn, would that make things easier and be really cool if we could just take what we wanted, sell whatever we could get money for that we didn’t want, and simply walk off and leave the rest behind!

It’s nice when I have dreams that are funny, unique and weird instead of really crazy or scary. In last night’s dream, the group home Molly lives in was right here in my city and I guess it always had been. I thought to myself that I had yet to meet anyone in person that I met online and decided why not go meet Molly and change that?

In real life, I’ve never wanted to meet her or be her friend just because she reached out to me because I was friends with someone who didn’t want anything to do with her at the time. I’m over the hard feelings I once had for her due to the way she stalked me, but I could never forgive her mother because of the way she should have known better. She did what my sister did. She aided her daughter in stalking me.

So while it may be the last thing I would ever do in real life, I went to visit her, and when we checked in at the front desk, I told them who I was and they went to talk to Molly to make sure she would see me. They returned just a few minutes later to take me back to see her.

Tom waited in the waiting room while I went and visited with her. Where it got strange was that when I returned to the waiting room and we were looking for our shoes which they made us take off for some reason, I couldn’t remember a damn thing about the visit. I couldn’t remember what we talked about or anything at all about it. My mind was completely blank, and I realized I wouldn’t be able to document in my journal what our discussion was about or what Molly was like. All I could do instead was have the silly and irrational fear that Aly would be angry with me for going to see her when in reality neither of us cares who the other sees as that’s our right as adults, of course.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2020 Listening to my Discovery Mix right now that Amazon threw together for me. They choose 25 songs every week and not one of them has appealed to me yet. Music today is so boring. It’s like everything sounds the same. It just isn’t what it was in the 70s and 80s.

I’m a light pink sparkly lady tonight! This was from the same set that Tom tested a piece of on his middle finger which is still holding up. I applied that tea tree base coat and yes, they definitely seem to adhere better to that. I could feel it as I was applying them. Only one nail did I not put a base coat on just to see if there was a difference. They look gorgeous but they are still kind of thick and snag in my hair if I run my fingers through it. So much so that I can see a very thin faint clear ring of plastic they put around the edges to try to thin the edges down.

The set of file boxes came today so I set those up. I’ve got five different brands in my five boxes plus a couple of extras in one of them since I’ve got about seven different brands right now.

The other night I did some video tweets and found they didn’t cut off anything I was saying. I do them in the dark, so there’s just a black vid. Maybe I’ll do some more tonight. I really hope Voice Notes comes to Android early in the year!

If I didn’t know we were moving in a matter of months, the number of helicopters I’ve heard since I got up would make me want to beat my head into the wall. It’s ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. So are the projects. Amazingly, though today’s only woke me up for a second despite being so loud and so close. In fact, had I known what was coming as I was going to bed, I would have had a ton of trouble falling asleep.

Initially, it was a nightmare that woke me up. Then, as I was falling back asleep I heard a loud bang or something that I assumed was someone crashing into the speed bump if not something next door. Like maybe they banged one of their bins which are by the bedroom windows.

I raised the volume of the two sounds I had running on Alexa from 7 to 8 and then slept fine from there on out. I was really surprised to learn from Tom that today’s project was a woodchipper parked right outside the bedroom in the back. He went out to see what all the racket was and where it was coming from. I went out to see if I could see what they cut down but I can’t tell. I’m thinking it might have been one of the cypress trees at the house next to Lawrence but can’t say for sure. I’m just glad it didn’t keep me awake for the hour or so that Tom said they were there. They could have been removing a tree stump instead of trimming trees but again, I don’t know. I just know that I’m tired of being woken up by shit that occurs when I’m sleeping and having to listen to it when I’m awake. We can’t get out of here fast enough! Even if the next place isn’t exactly peaceful, we could certainly do better than this. I just wish we had this premium Nature Sounds subscription ever since we moved in, but we didn’t even get our first Alexa till 2015. One of our best and purchases ever!

So the nightmare I had was strange. It was late at night and I was running to a two-story house we had with an old friend. That old friend might have actually been Jenny C. She ran ahead of me and I was trying not to be spooked out since I was running along streets late at night that wasn’t in a gated community.

Then I got to my house where Tom was upstairs in the bedroom already asleep and my friend, whoever she was, left a few minutes later.

I went upstairs for a little bit and then went back downstairs. I found we had a slider that was open and at first it didn’t hit me as strange. But then I realized my friend wouldn’t have left that way and that someone might have been in the house. I raced back upstairs and when I was halfway up the stairs, I saw a light come on somewhere downstairs. Then I became really scared and ran really fast to tell Tom someone was in the house. He quickly sat up and began to dial 911.

[galaxystar17]

I don't know if I have ever mentioned it, but back in 2020 when I just started high school I had a big otome phase. I remember looking for a new otome game in January 2020 and found two - one which actually turned out to be otome and a3 as they both seemed interesting plot wise. I only found out that google play app store had fooled me when I downloaded a3 tho. I remember playing one of kazu's cards and there were 3 options you could choose to answer so I was like 'oh okay which one raises the intimacy lvl?' and when I clicked on all of them out of curiosity, I found out they don't do much :(

And this was when it hit me that it's just a visual novel about acting and friendship and later on also found family, but without the otome part. Tbh I could phrase it like this - started for non-existent otome, stayed for the story. I really like the game and I'm in the fandom for like 4 years now even when eng sadly ended.

The only thing I am mad at myself about is my own stupidity at first while playing. Cause I thought that a3 just ends after the act 1 main story and won't have more parts or events. So I technically didn't uninstall it, just left it on my phone in case I would like to go through the story once again when I would feel like it. I reminded myself of a3 when I talked to my classmate about it (and lowkey got her into it, she watched the anime even) which was December 2021. Almost 2 years of not playing. So you can imagine my shock when I got back into the game and saw that not only it wasn't updating anymore, there is supposed to be a server shut down and that they will end the game in barely 3 months officially.

Basically I didn't play any event so idk how that feels and works as I missed every single one (but I have heard that ranking was hell), also then I discovered there's act 2 and tried to get to know who the rookies were. Before the official closing I was able to at least finish the whole 'Awakening Moon' and half of Kumon's story. I remember the last card I got was also my one and only SR of Azuma that I was so happy to receive (it was during my entrepreneurship class ksjshsk).

Btw the card in question ⬇️

Sorry that it's long. Looking forward to the rest of the questions 🫡

Mankai March question 1!

Welcome to the event!!! I’m super excited to see all the answers, so let’s hear about something simple: How did you first find out about A3? Was it through the anime? A friend? Saw an ad? Tell us about it!

[annasmc]

Hi, I hope your having a good day/night! I wanted to request obey me headcannons with an MC who is really good with kids and Luke reminds them of a younger sibling or cousin and how the brothers and previously undatables (or however many characters you want to do) and how they react to MC defending and dotting on Luke

Brothers + (now datable) Undatables React to MC Doting on Luke

Part 1 ~ Mammon, Beel, Diavolo, Barbs, Simeon and Solomon

Okay I am so sorry this took an embarrassingly long time to do. Like dude I think this is requested in like later December 2020 or early January so that’s how late we are taking. ANYWAYS here is part one 😬 (couldn’t even do them all but I’ll finish it I promise)

PLEASE THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING

Warnings: some swearing??

Mammon

He thought he was baby

Poor mams doesn’t understand why you would pay so much attention to a chihuahua >:(

He was shocked when you glared at him after his daily teasing Luke session.

You scolded him for a couple hours after that.

He always sees the both of you and can’t help but get jealous.

He gets sad sometimes and will try to cuddle up to you for attention

But Luke deserves the world so sorry Mams

Anyways Mammon is not happy obviously so he takes it upon him self to start “Operation Get MC’s Attention” which in other words is “Hide Luke From MC”

It goes well for a while

Mammon will run up to you and put an arm around you and lead you away from Luke

He will also actively PUSH Luke away from you without your knowledge.

Luke was just walking down the hall completely oblivious to the fact you were around the corner when suddenly Mammon comes and SHOVES him into an empty classroom.

Ok so Luke started crying (he’s only 10 omg Mammon)

Simeon had to take him home

Um Lucifer hung Mammon for a week

Beel

He doesn’t quite understand why you’re babying him, but he has no problem

You’re both parents now 🥺

Awwww

He gets free food from Luke

You kinda both adopt him.

It’s Beels job to protect Luke from everyone else and your job for offer emotional support.

You two work in a duo.

Ofc everyone else doesnt fully understand.

Belphie was the first (and only ) one to experience first hand the wrath of teasing Luke

Beel was on him like that. *angry Beel noises*, and you were there in an instant coddling Luke and hyping him back up.

“Don’t listen to those mean demons, oh poor Luke are you okay. Here let’s go inside” cue you and Luke leaving together, you hand on his back and looking back at the opposer with a glare.

Diavolo

Well it’s no doubt he was happy.

After all this was the point of the student exchange thing

He did find it quite nice to see you act to loving and be almost a parental figure for Luke.

Even Diavolo had to acknowledge that Luke is very much a child

He’s really proud of you actually.

I mean you don’t have to go out of your way to defend a little angel.

It’s refreshing to see such positive behaviour even if you do beat up everyone else is they dare insult Luke

He’s always hanging around and has his signature grin on his face whoever he witnesses the two of you together.

Will definitely back you guys up

Barbatos

We all know Barbs has a soft spot for Luke

He’s like Simeon and is so grateful that you are taking care of Luke

Luke seems to be much happier now that nobody is teasing him as often as before

Thank to you and your never ending threats to those brave enough to insult Luke

He once walked in on you teaching Luke how to draw and paint.

His non-existent heart swelled.

He very curious to see how you interact with Luke and how Luke acts since Barbatos was never a child

He is impressed by your caregiver skills

As a butler to a man-child (demon-child), he thinks it’s rather amusing to see you tend to someone else for a change.

I said that you and Beel were parents but really I mean you and Barbatos are the the real parents of Luke

Get ready to co-parent with Barbs ❤️

Simeon

He’s overjoyed like he’s happy 

“Thank you for taking care of Luke, he really needs it”

I mean this poor little angel is being bullied left to right,

He thinks you’re an angel, seriously he does

He’s not oblivious, he knows that Luke is hurt by the comments the demons make about him (although he can’t help but add on to the teasing sometimes)

He’s happy to see Luke make such good friends, you and Barbatos, and even Beel.

He’s also quite pleased with your ability to interact with children, not that Luke is immature but he definitely is young for an angel/immortal being,

He knows it’s been tough for Luke to go from literal HEAVEN to HELL but now that you’re here, it’s not as bad.

Solomon

Okay this shithead is definitely not going to take it easy on any of you,

He’s going to tease you left and right, why? No one knows

It’s because he’s a lil shit but let’s ignore that

Anyways, because you baby Luke so much, he imprints on you. He won’t let ANYONE insult MC

So when Solomon starts his daily rounds, he’s actually met by a furious Luke.

It’s kinda cute ngl

You are protecting Luke, in return Solomon teases you for protecting Luke, then Luke gets mad at Solomon for teasing you whole unbeknownst to you all, Solomon won’t STAND for MC and Luke slander

[digisims2]

I'm going through my projects folder and deleting old things I no longer need or forgot what it was all about and I'm finding some really weird things and thought I'd share some with everyone. :D

This is going to be long post with bunch of pictures so I'll put the rest under the read more. Oh um, warning possible bodyhorror / trypophobia right under the cut!

For starters self, what the hell is this?

I wish I had any idea. Clearly it's an eye mask with... a lot of eyes. For what reason? I don't know. I have no recollection of creating this thing but apparently I did so back in October 2019. Maybe it was going to be a Halloween gift? That's like the only sensible idea I have. I think the texture for it is kind of really pretty though:

It just stares at you, unblinking, forever disappointed. Unthreateningly it was just called "facemask" so I had no idea what awaited when I clicked on it. This was not what I expected it to be.

Moving on, what the hell is this and why have I made it?

Also fresh from 2019. Judging by the textures it's a "conversion" of some Sims 4 makeup but I have no idea why it exist. I can't think of a single reason why I'd want this sort of eyeshadow in my game. To the trash it goes.

Then I found these simple eyes:

I don't think I ever finished them, from 2020. Apparently they were supposed to be kinda like this anime/game character since his picture was pasted in the texture:

Yeah I don't know either + the reference image is damn near useless, you can barely even see the eyes so A+ job me! Anyway these eyes aren't anything special so I'm deleting them too now.

Then I found these eyes, they're titled as "newdefaulteye" so clearly I had big plans for them.

Apparently I've exported them somewhere since the .psd in the folder has all the colors. These are from February 2021. I think they're actually quite pretty so I'm confused about why I haven't shared them. Here's a closeup of a better color so you can see the details on the texture:

Seriously, it is nice isn't it? Why did I not finish and share these? I will never know. Maybe I'll slap them on a normal shaded sclera though, I know you don't appreciate my animation friendly one :P and then I'll remake and actually upload them.

Messily made pulled up version of.... I think Trapping's mesh?

This one I actually remember, I had seen plenty of such tops for Sims 3 and 4 and just thought "Hm, wonder if I could do something like that using an existing Sims 2 top?" and then did it. It clips like hell in game but I still have it and its recolors since nobody still has made (a better) such top for Sims 2. Wink wink nudge nudge at anyone with actual meshing skills.

Another unshared eye:

She looks as dead inside as I feel at work. Not going to finish these either since I don't like them so off to the bin with them.

Another eye set:

These were sort of version one for the July2022 eyes I did share. I wasn't happy with these so the version which I shared was born. Now I almost like these more than those so maybe I'll go back to them and try again?

Then I guess I tried painting eyebrows at some point last December?

Pretty sure the idea was to mirror it once I'd be happy with it but then I ended up never being happy with it. I'm still not happy with it and too grumpy to try again, to the trash bin.

Some animation friendly eyes I gave up after finishing the base texture:

And that's it. So many things I've just dropped and never finished. Maybe some of them drew a chuckle out of you or something.

[findingjoynweirdstuff]

Dream’s Conversation With Tubbo After the Exile

[December 7 2020]

Ghostbur: “And...and -- and you’re President, and you’re doing a great job, and...even Dream -- Dream himself seems happier!”

Tubbo: “He does! He’s being -- he is, he’s been on the server an awful lot. Whether that’s a good sign or a bad one, he definitely seems more positive.”

Ghostbur: “Oh! Speaking of the Devil.”

Tubbo: “Dream actually, the other day, declared L’manburg actually a recognized official state, which is…”

Dream: “Hello!”

Tubbo: “Hello!”

Ghostbur: “Hello, Dream! How are you?”

Dream: “Hello, Wilbur!”

Tubbo: “Hi! This -- he’s just showing me some cool new stuff, showed me…”

Dream: “Cool!”

Ghostbur: “Have some blue, please.” (He throws Dream some blue)

Tubbo: “Yeah, you’re gonna -- you’re gonna need some of that.” (He throws Dream some blue as well)

Dream: “Thank you.”

Dream: “Um, can I give you a real quick update on the walls?”

Tubbo: “Yeah yeah yeah, of course! I saw they were gone, I was over the moon!”

Dream: “Oh, yeah, well they’re not completely gone yet, but unless someone has finished the job, which -- ooh, they might’ve! But yeah, there’s still some back there--”

…

Tubbo: “Dream, it looks great! Thank you so much for keeping your word.”

Dream: “Yeah! No problem! Um, I thought there was one thing I didn’t technically keep my word on, so I thought I’d be upfront about it.”

Tubbo: “What?”

Dream: “The obsidian? I have another thing I could use it for, so it was all used up -- you can ask Sam, um…”

Tubbo: “Ohhh, okay. That’s okay! I don’t think we’ll need any obsidian, we don’t need to defend or hide anything or seal anything away, so I think we’ll be fine. I mean, that’s the only uses I can think of, so.”

Ghostbur: “If Tommy’s in exile, why don’t you put the obsidian around him?”

Tubbo: “Wilbur, you’re meant to try and cheer him up, here. I don’t know if that would be the best for his mood!”

Ghostbur: “You said that would bring peace! Having Tommy out has brought peace to everything.”

Tubbo: “Yeah, there is currently peace right now, except for -- I was told there was a war yesterday, but hey, I don’t…”

Dream: “Oh yeah, that -- I mean I -- we resolved it semi-peacefully. Quackity did some dumb stuff, I’m sure he’ll tell you, but--”

Tubbo: “Oh, okay, okay.”

Dream: “We resolved it pretty quickly.”

Tubbo: “I don’t have to exile him too, do I? Please for the love of god.”

Dream: “No, no we resolved it, we resolved it.”

Ghostbur: “You can still leave when there’s obsidian around you, can’t you?”

Tubbo: “Yeah, but it takes a while, and no one wants to mine that crap.”

Ghostbur: “Oh, oh! I didn’t mean to imprison him, I just meant put it around him, you know? To keep his goods, and like we did with L’manburg.”

Tubbo: “Ohhh. Oh yeah, that -- I mean I guess the walls could’ve been seen as a way to keep the goods in. Yeah. The lanterns are nice...”

Dream: “I wanna say, I really like the way...I wanna say, L’manburg’s been looking so nice recently.”

Tubbo: “Have you seen under the water!”

Dream: “Yeah, the water’s insane, yeah!”

Tubbo: “Like, oh my god, it’s got coral, and sea pickles…”

Dream: “The whole nation’s just incredible.”

Tubbo: “Thanks, Dream! You’ve never been this positive about it before.”

Dream: “Well, I said this, I mean I’ll be honest with you, I said this to Quackity the other day, but I truly think that with you as President, L’manburg can thrive! Because before that, I mean, I -- no offense to…” 

(he looks at Ghostbur) 

“Before that, I don’t think there was...there was Presidents that may not’ve...been so good. But...but you! I think that you are fair, and you are just, and I think you proved that.”

Tubbo: “Thanks, Dream.”

Dream: “And here, I’ll take my armor off.”

Tubbo: “Oh, yeah yeah yeah -- thank you! -- You’ve never honored the laws of L’manburg before! Oh my god!”

Dream: “Well, I never recognized it!”

Tubbo: “This is a big day! Holy crap!”

…

(Tubbo and Dream discuss where the borders of L’manburg lie. Dream leaves it up to Tubbo to dictate where the borders fall, as long as he doesn’t encroach on parts that are specifically Dream SMP territory)

Tubbo: “We should probably write up a treaty as well, declaring open borders.”

Dream: “Yeah! That’d be good.”

Tubbo: “So then, for the next President’s term, the treaty still stands. Unless I’m...overthrown.”

Dream: “Yeah! That sounds good to me. When’s the next -- is there gonna be an election?”

Tubbo: “Yeah, the 2nd of February is actually the end of my first term. I do plan on running again, but I know that other people are showing interest.”

Dream: “Mm. Very cool. Yeah, it definitely expands out past here, so...I’ve noticed -- I think, obviously, I think Tommy...eh, I dunno, I think it’s been a bit better since Tommy is out of here, since he...you know, he creates all the conflict and stuff, but...I think sometimes, it’s like time out, you know. Like maybe he can come back one day, you know?”

Tubbo: “I hope one day he can come back.”

Dream: “I always think forever, but…”

Tubbo: “Just for a real note, while we’re on such good terms, I was hoping one day in the future -- not necessarily soon, but just...you know. Visitation rights. If you know what I mean?”

Dream: “Yeah, I think that’s maybe something -- you know, at least a few weeks, probably, before we can discuss that, but I think a few weeks pass, we discuss it, maybe he can --”

Tubbo: “After things cool off a bit.”

Dream: “Yeah, yeah. I think if things cool off, maybe he could get visitation, but I couldn’t see him ever coming back, but being able to, you know...he did request visitation on Christmas day, so.”

Tubbo: “Oh! That would be quite nice. We’ll have to wait and see.”

Dream: “Yeah, that sounds...do you have any big projects planned? What is this?”

Tubbo: “Well, for today, I was gonna be going around putting up billboards -- this is a chess board.”

“Have you ever played chess, Dream?”

[godhasforsnakenme]

November was quite productive at the beginning, so much that I made a damn list with a bit of commentary:

Loki s2 Ending :D (just murder me k? but also lokius canon idgaf; also have you seen the fanart where croki takes over tree sitting for a while so loki can go back to mobius for the holidays omfg the best thing ever)

Fellow Travelers (p*ramount+, on-going plus I read the book [have yet to finish the book lol])

Continuing Psych (half way through s3 now, and I'd just like to say thar it always breaks my heart a bit when Shawn realizes his mom was the one that left his dad, not the other way around [bc of course Henry would take the blame and just take the hate from Shawn all these years just to keep Madeleine in good graces]

Rewatch of Hunger Games (yes, also read the books)

Vuelve a Mí (p*acock, on-going)

Elemental (d*sney)

No Hard Feelings (2023)

All the Light We Cannot See

Rewatch of The Pacific & Band of Brothers (first watched in high school during our WWII unit in History 101/102; then during that one weekend in the hospital during 2020)

Rewatch of Six Feet Under (Peter Krause, my beloved)

Backdraft (1991) [this also begun a Robert DeNiro film rewatch including Hide & Seek, Awakening {which lead to a Robin Williams film rewatch and then me rereading Chris Van Allsburg's entire children's book catalog because it's some of my favorite content from when I was in 3rd grade} oh boy it turned into a rabbit hole very fast didn't it? ]

Danny Phantom + Over The Garden Wall (cannot believe I waited this long into the fall season and well past spooky month to watch them omfg)

Goosebumps Series (again with the waiting for the last month of fall to watch the spooky month stuff omfg, anyway I enjoyed it)

The Spiderwick Chronicles (planning on rereading the books as well [gonna see if I want to rent them through libby or just buy the set? But then I want the classic covers on them that I remember from elementary school)

Bridgewater (podcast, both seasons [picking it back up from where I left off back in 2021 because that's that one year I dropped a lot of projects due to the shit show that was November and yeah I then said welp s2 is out next year and continued to push it back until now)

Yellowstone (reminded us of longmire, can't wait for s5 part b)

Doctor Who Specials (had us in the first half [twice] ngl [did a separate post with my final thoughts on the giggle, so yeah, that's that {feel like I need to rewatch the Christmas special to get an honest opinion out of it bc I watched it while a bit distracted])

For December, it's short because I spent my afternoons shopping and giftwrapping; also, the days really go by quick because for the most part I spent them in other people's company :)

Per tradition, the SpongeBob s1 special 'Christmas Who?'

Then all three versions of The Grinch to keep it festive lol (little grinch in the animated version with Benny boy is adorable)

Dr. Death s1 (oh boy, gonna start s2 soon)

Last, and most definitely think least lmaoooo, What If s2 because I like the animations and quick snippets of aus (but trust and believe I hate the fucking c*ptain carter narrative with a passion)

And that's a wrap on all the stuff I watched in 2023! Might do this again, who knows or might even just do a books finished reading thing or anything else I join in on lol

Oh, and honorable mention: since like the summer, I've been joining in on tiktok to watch streamer Hawkeyedood & his mario64 speed runs; think he deserves an award because that is one thing I joined in to watch just about everytime the notification went off without eventually getting bored of it lol

January's brain rot was mostly Obikin, plus whatever else my brain has decided to completely blank on (it was a long month okay?)

February would like to add on Longmire & Miraculous to the mix, along with the yearly switching from football to baseball mode

[achillieus]

let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, don’t kill me because of the ending, sebastian and reader are the definition of right person wrong time, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning, also this part has some funny moments but overall it’s a big SOB

part: 6/6 (there will also be an epilogue)

(other parts)   (masterlist)

This is how it ends: broken hearts from crashed dreams.

Sebastian holds you until his muscles ache and your lungs burn from the feeling of too little oxygen. It is cold and dark, almost midnight, too dark, a starless night.

No more stars for you and I.

“Here,” Voice hoarse, eyes heavy-lid and itching from almost crying. He gives you one of the rings he wore in the movie. “I want you to keep this.”

Keep it close to your heart. Forget me not.

He takes a breath and a step back, tries to regain all the strength he still has, steady feet and shoulders fixed. He digs his nails into his palms, red marks in his skin, air catching in his throat, he’s on the verge of falling but he stays standing.

He remembers tears glistening down his cheeks, maybe they were yours not his, and the cold autumn wind hitting his face and he remembers feeling like he’s dying.

And then he closes the door of Argyris’ car and looks at you.

And his heart stretches and stretches and stretches and then somehow splits in half.

/

It goes like this:

There’s a ghost that lives in your apartment from now on. In the living room. Sitting on the couch. And it has steel blue eyes and a familiar heart. And it whispers a love story, half-finished, and you cannot make it stop.

The ghost touches your collarbone and he’s gone but there’s a ring in a golden chain around your neck and a white shirt forgotten in your laundry. And it smells like him. The clinging scent of his aftershave sticking to your pores. Eucalyptus. And no matter how hard you try to wash it off, it still lingers.

How could I ever forget someone like you?

The ghost lives here, but the place is empty, so empty. And it’s hard not to cry.

/

Sebastian calls and texts a lot.

He tells you he’s tired but excited because he started filming a new movie. It’s very indie and experimental, I can’t wait for you to see it. He tells you he’s missing his days in Greece like hell and that one night he dreamt of you. Didn’t want to wake up. What he doesn’t tell you is that he’s coming back in a month, Argyris needs him for some extra scenes. It’s nearly killing him but he doesn’t tell you. He wants to surprise you, see the pure light in your eyes when they’ll meet his.

/

You try sexting. It doesn’t go very well.

23:50, sebastian: if you were here in my bed right now what would you be doing

06:51, you: probably falling asleep hahaha

06:51, you: oh fuck was i supposed to sext back

06:51, you: sorry seb i just woke up and i have a class in an hour, love you <3

23:52, sebastian: fuck timezones

/

(three weeks and 10 seconds later)

“I can’t believe she doesn’t know you’re here,” Argyris shakes his head as he’s driving home from the airport, “If I were her, I’d kill you.”

“Good thing I didn’t fall in love with you.”

Sebastian laughs and looks out of the car window. The stars. There are so many stars tonight. He holds his breath; he’s finally feeling whole again. His heart isn’t split in two anymore.

/

You don’t know how long you stand there at your door, staring at him, but it feels like a century before he grins, almost laughs, takes your hands in his and you start considering that perhaps this isn’t a hallucination. Perhaps it’s real.

“Surprise?”

Something inside of you bursts, your organs twitch. You can’t think, you can’t speak, but you can move. You don’t lose any more time, you take a step forward, attach your bodies, your face buried in his neck, your fingers clutching into the rough fabric of his jacket. You breathe him in like an antidote.

“How?”

“Does it matter?”

“No.”

You kiss him and it’s like poetry, like art, like honey and you can’t separate yourself from him, not even hours later.

/

(looking back, these were the golden days)

You pretending to be mad at him for not telling you he was coming back and him pressing his lips on your skin, drawing patterns on your naked shoulder. A feathery touch.

Sebastian always touches you like you’re something made of gold and porcelain, something cherished that constantly needs to be treasured. And nobody has done that before. And you love him for it.

You try to decorate your Christmas tree together. He messes with the lights for a while, eventually gives up and goes on to eat too many reindeer shaped cookies.

He massages your muscles when you write a boring essay for college.

You go with him when he has to shoot a “driving a motorcycle naked in the centre of Athens” scene and you bite the inside of your cheeks to stop smiling like an idiot.

He gives you a dress he bought for you in New York.  

“You didn’t have to.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

He calls you sweetheart in the mornings, still half asleep and later joins you in the shower.

“Why are you so hot?”

“Climate change”

“Oh, shut up”

It’s tender and it’s soft and it’s human.

And that’s the saddest part.

/

Soon you realize that him leaving two months ago was merely a rehearsal and you still haven’t said your actual goodbyes. Your chest starts to feel as if it’s full of crushed glass.

And it’s ridiculous because you fell in love with Sebastian sometime between the first ten days you spent together.

Who falls in love in ten days?  

Ridiculous or not, you know you are in love with him just as you know that sooner or later, whatever he is feeling will fade and wither. Maybe it’ll be in a week, maybe it’ll be in a month, maybe in a year if you’re lucky. But there will definitely come a day when he will step out of a gala or a party or a fancy gym in New York with a beautiful model in his arms and two paparazzi’s following him around.

What will you be then?

A past small cameo in his life. A side character. Will he remember your name?

He is your whole world.

(a bottle of cheap prosecco helps you decide that)

He is your whole world.

And yet, there will come a day when he won’t even remember your name.

/

It was difficult. No, it was the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Telling him how you think it’d be better if you didn’t talk after he leaves.

“I don’t agree with this.”

“Seb, it’s for the best.”

Your body doesn’t feel strong enough to carry your heart. And you’re certain it will only get worse once he’s away. The world around you will melt. You’ll obsess over a phone screen and his messages. You’ll start chasing ghosts again. You can’t handle that.

“Why?” He says urgently and his fingers dance over the flesh of your palms.

“Because this”, you motion your hand between the two of you, “is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had in my life and I don’t want it to become ugly.”

He nods, he understands.

“I love you, you know,” he says smiling and tugs you closer to him, “And I may not be here to show you but I think I’ll love you for a long time.”

Your hand grips his waist right to the bones and something flares in your eyes, something wild that wrenches you around.

“I know, I’ll love you the same.”

“Maybe we’ll meet again.”

“Only if I’m the luckiest girl on the planet.”

He laughs and you look at him, fully aware he’ll be ripped out of your life like a page from a cheap leather notebook. And when you kiss for the last time, there’s a hole forming in your soul.

And just because endings don’t leave visible scars to one’s body and soul, that doesn’t mean the scars don’t exist. You know they do, because you feel the aching pain of every single one of them.

/

(every night when you close your eyes you see him)

(every night you look at the stars and think of him)

/

A month passes and Argyris asks you if you miss him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“He said the exact same thing.”

You tell him not to mention Sebastian again.

Two months pass and you need to stop stalking his instagram profile.

Three months pass and you almost text him.

Four months pass and you go to watch Endgame with some friends and you cry. You cry when Black Widow sacrifices herself and when Iron Man smiles at his wife while dying, and when Bucky Barnes appears on screen.

The others don’t understand and you don’t blame them.

Five months pass and Argyris’ girlfriend wants you to meet someone. A charming boy your age with blonde hair and a lip piercing.

And he's cute but you compare him to Sebastian even before he has the chance to say his name. His eyes are not the right shade of blue and he doesn’t look at you like you’re made of the world’s finest jewel.

And he doesn’t know any constellation names.

And then more than a year passes in a second and you learn to not look for him. Not anymore.

/

It’s early March 2020 and despite the rising fear of the upcoming pandemic, you’re doing well. Scars are starting to fade. And after spending two weeks in Prague, your best friend being there with an exchange program, Sebastian Stan is the farthest thing from your mind.

Until he literally comes crashing into you. At the airport.

No, it can’t be him.

You have your suitcase on one hand and a bottle of antiseptic gel on the other. He has two bodyguards on his sides and a black hoodie on.  And while half of his face is hidden behind a mask, you can see his eyes perfectly. A frozen lake in December. You would know those eyes in your deathbed, at the end of the world.

Your vision gets blurry and suddenly you feel cold.

He won’t recognize me, he can’t.

But then he looks at you and every memory you had buried inside of you resurfaces.

He motions to his guards to wait for him and he starts walking towards you. You breathe slowly, one breath at a time. He takes his mask off and you hesitate to take yours, not sure if you truly want him to see you.

You exchange the typical and very awkward hi, how are you, i’m glad you’re doing okay and then he smiles and it feels comfortable. Familiar.

It’s the whiff of another time that you always kept around. A reminder that you were once loved by a god.

“What are you doing here?”

“Filming Falcon and the Winter Soldier”

If you hadn’t unfollowed him on instagram, you’d known.

“Ah yes I heard about that, congrats.”

He nods a thank you.

“And you? In Prague?”

“I was at a friend.”

He looks conflicted, hurt, turns his gaze to his shoes on the grey cement. You want to say something, but you feel like throwing up.

And then he laughs.

“I was right.”

You’re confused, he notices.

“Back in Greece,” he swallows, “I told you this would happen.”

“It would have been an airport, different gates for each of us, but same waiting hall. Or a Greek island, where we’d both be for the summer.”

“I would have found you.”

You remember and you cannot help but smile. He was right. He found you.

“I didn’t believe you then.”

I barely believe you now.

He touches your hair. And his touch is like a knife. And you want to cry. Magnolias under your tongue. A love long lost is whispering in your ears until it hurts to listen. He’s like a magnetic field and you feel yourself drowning in him.

“I bet they’ll ask me a hundred questions about you later.” He says and looks at the two men waiting for him.

“And what will you tell them?”

“That you’re most probably the love of my life.”

Don’t cry, don’t cry.

“There’s no way we’d meet here if you’re not.”

“Sebastian,” His name sounds like a prayer coming out of your lips and you're ready to tell him you love him and you can swear he looks like he’s ready to faint, “I-”

The guards yell his name. And it's the same feeling people have just before a car crash.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.”

One last look.

Don’t cry, don’t cry.

You repeat it over and over again. But you fail.

“No, don't cry” He smiles, one last smile, “Just look at the stars and wait for us to meet again, because we will.”

He caresses the back of your palm for a second and you think your ribcage is shattering but it’s only your heart drumming frantically. Pushing your fragile bones to break. 

You want to stop him, wrap your arms around his torso, never let him go. Not again. But you don’t.

You just watch him leave, one more time, your knees weak, your head heavy and dizzy. For the split of a moment he turns and glances at you but then he’s nowhere to be seen.

Perhaps it was all in your imagination. Perhaps it was nothing but a wonder.

You get into your plane and you silently sob.

/

And then it’s summer.

And you overhear he was seen with a girl, the day before your vacation starts and you find a picture of them together a week later, a pretty blonde girl clinging to his side with a colorful bikini somewhere in Spain. And he’s smiling. And you feel so ashamed. And so stupid.

They say time heals all wounds but they must be wrong because you can’t forget how he used to smile at you or how he used to call you the love of his life.

Was he joking when he said you'll meet again? You bet if you asked him now, he wouldn't even remember saying it.

I’ll love you for a long time.

So long for nothing.

/

i really appreciate feedback, it motivates me tons and also tell me if you’d like to be tagged :) also i’m really sorry if you asked me to tag you and i didn’t  but i lost a lot of asks and the urls of the people that sent them :( 

tagging: @lharrietg @awkward117 @dannaloureen @broccoligf @cutestfangirlvevo @caitdaniels @arymb @buckybarnesishot310 @roguesthetic @itsaliceheree @sara-1705 @dorothea-hwldr @freshfreakoaftrash @drinkfantasy @christinamcdonnell ​@partypoison00 ​ @90ssantiago

[watchmegetobsessed]

Keys of truth - Harry Styles

❄️ FANFICmas 2020 ❄️

Read more about FANFICmas here!

hiya loves! this was a very sudden idea of mine that i really wanted to write so i made it to be the last fic of fanficmas! thank you for reading my works through the month, i hope you all enjoyed all the content and i hope you’ll stay with me in 2021 as well! this is an exlovers to lovers fic, kind of very emotional so... yeah!

word count: 3.4k

masterlist

You stay in your car for so long the heat that warmed you on your way here has completely disappeared, your fingers are like ice as they still grip the steering wheel. The snow blizzard  outside is raging, warning you that if you don’t go inside anytime soon you might get stuck here and that’s the last thing you want: trapped with your ex who you still dearly love.

You can barely see out of the windshield, it’s covered in snow, another sign that your time is ticking, you need to get back home before all roads get snowed in.

“You can do it. It’s just Harry,” you tell yourself, but that’s the problem. It’s Harry who is currently inside, kind of waiting for you to arrive, pack the remaining of your stuff from his house so your breakup can be official.

The burning regret has been making your life miserable in the past few weeks, ever since you said the words and instantly wanted to take them back. But upon seeing his reaction, you decided to be stubborn and don’t show your weakness.

“Can’t this conversation just wait a little longer, please?” he sighed, clearly annoyed that you brought up the same thing for the hundredth time in the past two months. But you just couldn’t help it, you were feeling like you were running out of time and Harry didn’t seem to realize it.

“How can you ask me to put it aside when my lease is ending in January? I need to know how to plan. Why is it so hard to decide if you want me here or not?”

The thought of moving together had come up a few times, but it became a burning question when your lease was nearing its end. You wanted to move in with Harry, something you’ve been planning on for a while, and you thought he did the same. But when you first mentioned it to him, he seemed hesitant, as if he didn’t want it wholeheartedly and that hurt you like Hell, but thought he might had had just a long day. So you agreed to have the conversation another time, but it seemed like no time was suitable for him. He had been dodging your question instantly, trying to get out of it as fast as possible, giving you the feeling that he doesn’t want you around after all.

But it was now the beginning of December, leaving you very little time to look for a new place if he decided he needed his own place. It wouldn’t have bothered you that much, you understand his need for privacy, but at least have the courage to tell you, right? But he didn’t. He kept brushing it off, building the tension in you until one day… you snapped.

“It’s not that easy, Y/N, alright? I asked you to have this discussion later, why can’t you wait a little more?” he snapped right back, growing frustrated as well, but you didn’t think he had the right.

“Wait for what? To make up your mind if you want a future with me or not? If you are hesitant about it, then I think we have a bigger problem on your hands here, Harry,” you retorted, feeling all the rage you’ve kept bottled up erupt from you.

“What does that supposed to mean?” He looks at you with a hard stare and you stand his piercing eyes, not looking away.

“What it means is that… your behavior is making me think that maybe we aren’t heading in the right direction. I thought it was evident that we would move in, but your hesitation is kind of ruining the picture for me.”

“I’m not hesitating, I just asked for some time to smooth some things out!”

“What things? Do you have someone else living with you and you need to get rid of them before I can move in or what?”

“For fuck’s sake, just give me some damn time, Y/N!”

“Well, I don’t think I have any more time.”

He stared at you in disbelief and the words burned your tongue, but there was no turning back now, it was out there.

“For the moving or for me?” he simply asked, no emotion showing on his face and that hurt you more than you expected. You wanted him to panic, to fall to his knees and beg for your forgiveness, but his reaction was so cold and empty, it completely broke your heart.

“I think we both know the answer,” you whispered, feeling the tears building in your eyes already.

You stormed out of his place after a few insults were thrown at each other and now it has been three weeks you officially called it quits. The worst three weeks of your life, if you are being honest. Not one night went by without you crying yourself to sleep, deeply missing Harry. You still love him more than anyone or anything and there were so many times you just wanted to go back to him crawling, but your pride didn’t let you. He seemed just fine to let you go and that was like a stab in your chest, see him so in peace with you walking out. You just couldn’t believe two years went right out the window just like that, after such a ridiculous little thing. You still haven’t been able to figure out why he couldn’t just give you an answer. It would have been painful to hear him tell you he doesn’t want you living with him just yet, but you would have gotten over it eventually. Would have been a lot better ending to the story than this ugly breakup you won’t be able to forget about… ever.

Swinging the door open the cold wind slaps you right across your face, earning some pretty creative curses from you as you lock the car. Snow is everywhere, threateningly falling with no mercy, and you know you need to make it quick.

Marching up to the front door you push the button to the doorbell a little too forcefully, eyes squinting from the blizzard and it feels like your eyelashes are now covered in snow completely.

Then the door opens and there he is, standing tall and just as handsome as always, wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a knitted sweater, curls a little messy but in the cutest way possible. He looks so cozy and warm, you just want to wrap yourself into his embrace, but you remind yourself that you no longer have the right to be that close to him.

“Hey, come on in,” he greets you with a small smile, holding the door open as you walk inside and he finally shuts the door, keeping the cold outside.

You haven’t seen him since your fight and now it’s like another slap across your face, seeing him in the flesh, looking… fine. As if nothing has happened while you’ve been a nervous wreck these past weeks and it makes the whole situation even more painful.

“Hi. I’ll be quick, I promise,” you tell him clearing your throat as you get rid of your coat and boots, leaving them by the door so you don’t get any mess on any of his rugs. He nods his head quietly following you further inside the house before taking the lead. You’ve thought about this place as a second home for some time now, but now being here as just some kind of guest is heartbreaking, but you try your best not to think about how painful it really is.

“Most things are in the wardrobe, but I think you have quite some books in the study as well,” he says, awkwardly clearing his throat as he walks you into his bedroom he has shared with you oh so many times before.

“Thanks,” you mumble.

“Do you fancy a cup of tea? I can also help you if you want,” he offers, clearly not certain about how he should act now and that makes the two of you, it seems.

“Tea sounds great, but I’ll be fine on my own,” you tell him with a faint smile and he just nods, shuffling out of the room, leaving you alone.

You start going through his spacious wardrobe, collecting all your items you’ve left here through your time with him, and pack them away into the bags you brought with yourself, knowing well you have a lot to take home. You hear Harry starting the kettle outside in the kitchen and you need to take a deep breath so you don’t start crying. You miss him so much. You miss having him around, talking to you, touching you… kissing you. It’s killing you to know that you’ll never have him the way you want and it feels like you can do nothing, but to suffer quietly.

While packing, you find some of the shirts he always gave you when you spent the night, even though you had your own clothes to sleep in. There was just something different to have his shirts on, smell his scent and he also never failed to tell you how much he loves seeing you wear his stuff, so you shamelessly borrowed anything that caught your eyes. For a moment, you debate if he would notice if you took one of his shirts, but then you tell yourself it would be a stupid idea, so you force yourself to leave there everything that’s not essentially yours.

“Here. With a dash of honey, just like how you always drink it,” he smiles at you warmly as he reappears with a steaming mug in his hands.

“Thank you,” you mumble shyly taking the mug from him to have a breather from all the packing.

He stays standing there, just a few feet from you, looking around a little lost, his hands on his hips, as if he is trying to find something to do, but there’s none. It’s the first time you see something in him, something you are not used to, but it’s so masked that you can’t put your finger on it.

“Alright, um… I’ll be in the kitchen if you need any help,” he then says with a tight-lipped smile before walking out and leaving you alone again.

You need a breather once he is gone, you let yourself sit on the edge of his bed, sipping on the tea and you can’t ignore how he used your favorite filter, the one you always made him buy so he had it at his place as well. These thoughtful little things always make your stomach churn, especially now. Because you just can’t put it together with how it all ended. Why would he be this caring and loving man towards you, when he doesn’t want you anymore?

Swallowing down you tears you just sit there until you finish the hot drink and force yourself to stand up and bring the mug out for him. Your feet tap against the hardwood floor quietly and as you are about to turn the corner, you stop hearing his quiet voice coming from the kitchen.

“I can’t, Gems. I can’t fucking do it,” you hear him, his voice muffled and something odd lacing through it. “But it’s so fucking hard!” he snaps after a short silence and you assume his sister told him something through the phone. “I don’t want this…” he breathes out and you realize that he is crying.

He lets out a quiet sob and you dare to step forward and look in his way in the kitchen. He is hunched over with his back facing you, a hand gripping the edge of the counter while the other one his holding his phone to his ear. He looks so broken, like just a ghost of himself, nothing like the unbothered man you saw just a little while ago. Seeing him like this breaks your heart even more and you don’t even know what to do or say, so you just stand there, eavesdropping on his conversation with his sister.

“I don’t know how she would react. You really think it’s a good idea?” he asks, sniffing his nose and his hand flies from the countertop to his face, wiping his cheeks harshly. “I don’t… Fuck, this is so bad, Gems.”

You feel your throat closing up, you are dying to know what Gemma is saying on the other end of the call.

“I know,” he replies to something. “Of course I do. How can I not? This was never supposed to happen.” Another silence. “I fucking know, Gems, but I felt so dumbfounded, I literally couldn’t think straight!”

You suck on your breath, trying your best to put the bits and pieces together. If he is talking about what you think, you are about to break out into sobs any moment.

“Alright,” he sighs, head falling back a little as he is probably blinking away his tears. The urge to just go up behind him and hug his waist, pressing your cheek against his shoulder blades, like you always do whenever he is washing the dishes or making breakfast for the two of you, is getting hard to fight.

He ends the call and before you could even realize, your feet are taking you forward in his direction. Your knee cracks when you take a bigger step and it makes his head snap around. You freeze right where you are, a few feet away from him, holding your empty mug in your hands, staring back at him at a lack of words. Now that he is facing you it’s clear that he was indeed crying, the redness around his eyes and glistening cheeks of his give him away instantly.

“Oh, um, hey. You need help with anything?” he asks, wiping his cheeks again, though there’s no use in trying to hide the signs.

“Harry, what was that about?” you softly ask as he keeps his eyes fixated on the tiled floor in front of him.

“Just… Gemma.”

“What was never supposed to happen?” you ask ignoring how he tried to dodge your question. He draws a shaky breath, looking anywhere but at you and you hate it. You need to see those green eyes on you. So stepping closer you turn his head by his chin so his glassy gaze meets yours.

Harry opens his mouth two times, but closes it until he finally speaks up for the third time.

“There’s something I want to give you,” he tells you, caching you by surprise.

“You didn’t answer me.”

“Just…” he breathes out in defeat. “Let me give it to you, okay? And I’ll answer all your questions after that.”

Silently you nod and watch him shuffle into his bedroom, hearing him open a drawer and then he appears with a tiny box in his hands. It’s deep blue, with a pretty little white bow on top. He gestures for you to sit on the couch with him, so you silently obey and the two of you sit on each sides of his plush couch.

“Here,” he whispers handing you the box. Glancing up at him you try to put the picture together, but you fail to see what this is about so you go ahead and take off the lid.

At first you don’t realize what it is that you are looking at. There is a set of keys on a chain along with a little silver heart, your name engraved into it. A second passes by, then another and you gasp when realization hits you.

“Harry, what is this?” you ask, not really meaning that what’s in the box, because you figured it’s the keys to his place, but you can’t figure out why he just gave this to you.

“I’ve had them made for over two months. Wanted to give them to you on Christmas as a surprise. This was my plan all along and this is why I tried to push the conversation back. There was nothing to talk about, I wanted you here, I just wanted it to be a surprise for you. But then we had that stupid fight and I knew I should have just told you the truth, but I was shocked and couldn’t think properly. I never wanted us to end up like this and when I realized what I did you were already… gone.”

The tears start soaking your cheeks within a moment as you clutch onto the keys for dear life, listening to Harry.

“I was an idiot. I wanted to call you and tell you why I didn’t want to talk about the moving, but then I thought you wouldn’t believe me and say that I was just trying to save what was left of us. Fuck, that was my biggest mistake ever. I haven’t stopped beating myself up about it and I’ve been so miserable without you, Y/N. You can’t even imagine.”

“I think I can,” you choke out with a bitter laugh. “I regretted it the moment I said those words. But I was too proud to admit it and you seemed just fine with it.”

“Oh I was miles away from being fine,” he breathes out, his body falling forward as he leans his elbows onto his thighs. “I didn’t stop crying until like six in the morning, Y/N. After you left, I felt like I had nothing left.”

You sob at his words, putting the keys aside as you crawl into his arms, swinging a leg over him so you can straddle him and sit on his lap. His strong arms curl around your frame instantly, an instinct he has had for a while now and three weeks wasn’t enough to get rid of it, luckily. He pulls you close as you bury your face into the crook of his neck, sobbing and crying uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry I ever made you think I’m not planning my future with you. You are my future, Y/N. All of it.”

“Stop!” you choke out laughing. “I can’t cry any harder!” you say, making him laugh as well. His hand slides to the back of your neck, threading his fingers into your hair.

“Oh baby, I don’t want you to cry at all,” he chuckles softly, pulling you to his chest once again. “I want you to be happy, preferably with me, but if you tell me to fuck off, I still understand.”

“Don’t you dare say that,” you smack his chest gently. “I love you way too much to ever say that.”

“Fuck, you don’t know how amazing it is to hear that,” he breathes out as his hands move up to cup your face and he finally pulls you into a sweet, i-missed-you-so-fucking-much-don’t-ever-leave-me-again kiss that makes the whole world spin around you. Just like that, the universe falls into perfect balance and all the suffering and pain you had to go through, it vanishes the moment Harry’s lips touch yours again, something you truly thought would never happen again.

“So, have you found a place yet?” he asks, a little out of breath from the kisses you two just shared. Resting his forehead against yours he looks into your eyes with his piercing green ones that you missed so dearly.

“I was supposed to move to my sister’s temporarily, but I guess I can give her a call that she won’t have to put up with me after all,” you chuckle making Harry laugh as well. “When do you want me to move?”

“Like right now,” he replies instantly, making your heart flutter. “But whenever you want to, it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t change your mind about it.”

“Then how about after Christmas?”

“Perfect,” he breathes out pecking your lips again.

“I guess we have to rearrange our Christmas plans too. Unless… you don’t want me to go home with you.”

“None of that shit anymore, baby. I want you with me all the time,” he blurts out making you smile. He will never hold anything back from now on, this mishap taught you both a lesson about communication and honesty. He turns to look out the window and you follow his gaze realizing the blizzard has completely snowed the two of you in. “I think we might be trapped here for a while,” he states, a small smirk tugging on his lips.

“Oh no, what a disaster!” you moan, voice still shaky from the crying, but your comment makes the both of you laugh.

“Luckily, you still have all your stuff here,” he huffs looking back at you.

“Mhm, luckily,” you breathe out before pulling him down for another kiss.

Thank you for reading, let me know what you thought about it!

[ryttu3k]

End of the year book asks! Which I'm just... going to fill out. Original post here.

1. How many books did you read this year?

As of posting this on December 15th, it's 36, with a note that I am including zines over 100 pages. Will update at the end of the year! Edit: 38!

2. Did you reread anything? What?

Reread Gideon and Harrow the Ninth in preparation for Nona's release!

3. What were your top five books of the year?

Okay. I am going to categorise.

Favourite novel: Tamsyn Muir - Nona the Ninth

Favourite novella: Becky Chambers - A Prayer for the Crown-Shy

Favourite series: Seanan McGuire - Wayward Children

Favourite anthology: Xenocultivars - Stories of Queer Growth

Favourite zine: Archive of the Odd (available here, only read issue 1 so far but I have issue 2 purchased and ready to go!)

Favourite unexpected addition to my reading list: Bram Stoker - Dracula

Other favourites of note: Travis Baldree - Legends & Lattes, RoAnna Sylver - Stake Sauce 2 and Life Within Parole vol 2, Freydis Moon - Exodus 20:3

4. Did you discover any new authors that you love this year?

Read the Wayward Children series, would be quite happy to look into more of Seanan McGuire's writing!

5. What genre did you read the most of?

I am sitting comfortably in my SFF hole, thank you.

6. Was there anything you meant to read, but never got to?

*laughs in excessively long TBR*

7. What was your average Goodreads Storygraph rating? Does it seem accurate?

4.32, which seems pretty solid!

8. Did you meet any of your reading goals? Which ones?

I did, averaging three new reads a month!

9. Did you get into any new genres?

Is 'gothic horror that is actually all about The Power Of Friendship' a genre?

10. What was your favorite new release of the year?

Nona the Ninth Nona the Ninth I cannot reiterate how much I goddamn adore Nona the Ninth. Sob.

11. What was your favorite book that has been out for a while, but you just now read?

Dracula has been out for. A while lmao

12. Any books that disappointed you? 13. What were your least favorite books of the year?

Mm. I don't like naming names because I can totally see people enjoying it, but there was one novel in particular that I felt didn't quite stick the landing. I gave it a 6/10 rating.

14. What books do you want to finish before the year is over?

I'd like to get in Where The Drowned Girls Go (the last Wayward Children book currently out, the next one is due in January!), which will be easy enough because it's a novella, and probably one other. Edit, 16th December: Done!

15. Did you read any books that were nominated for or won awards this year? What did you think of them?

I got into the Wayward Children series, most of those either won or were nominated for the Best Novella nebulas, and which won this year's Best Series. This Is How You Lose The Time War won that category for the Hugos, Nebulas, and Locus in 2020; Binti: Home and Night Masquerade were also nominated for Hugos.

Also I feel Dracula's probably won a few awards. Probably.

16. What is the most over-hyped book you read this year?

Oh, hm! I don't know, most felt like a suitable level of hype.

17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

Dracula. Dracula. I expected to read it as like, a pivotal vampire/horror novel that I felt lowkey obligated to get through but I fucking loved it. At least part of that was the Dracula Daily experience but damn, I really liked that book.

18. How many books did you buy?

.......significantly more than I actually read. Awkward laughter at my Kobo account.

19. Did you use your library?

I did!

20. What was your most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

Nona the Ninth, and it absolutely did. I knew I would be goddamn deceased after it and I very much!! was!!

21. Did you participate in or watch any booklr, booktube, or book twitter drama?

No drama here!

22. What's the longest book you read?

The Harrow reread is the only one that tops 500 pages, although both the Gideon reread and Nona are in the 400s.

23. What's the fastest time it took you to read a book?

I mean I can knock out a novella in an hour?

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

Nope!

25. What reading goals do you have for next year?

Read more novels. I read a lot of novellas and anthologies this year!