#oh no Uwe Boll

[explodcor]

@the-wild-card-hand said:

"Bro, please tell me he didn't tell you about Neil Breen films-"

Katsuki scoffed. "Who the fuck is that?" It seemed evident that Kaminari didn't tell him about that person.

"No, but he did tell me about Uwe Boll movies, and I wanna fuckin' kick him for that shit!"

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Cage Match

Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the Elon Musk: [busting out of the bushes] eyyyyy stephano king! you thinka you so smart Musk: you thinka you smart but elon muska he da smartest man inna world ey? oh!!! Musk: [steps on rake]

Musk: eyyyy paisano!!! Poe: steve who is this King: no one, just ignore him guys Musk: eyyyy ima pickle rick! Poe: steve is this a friend of yours King: no guys i just Musk: gotsa gitsa friggata!!! Poe: steve could you ask your friend to keep it down

Musk: eyyy stephano king you no lika you blue check? friendship witha stephano king ended! King: we weren't friends elon Musk: jk rowling issa my new besta friend! Musk: we onna da same page! JK Rowling: i want to eat your transss daughter too Musk: lika two peasa inna pod!

Musk: issa me elon musk! Musk: i bann da color yellow from my tesla factory cusa i no like it! Musk: eyy maybe i banna da color yellow from twitter! eyyy!! Robert W Chambers: but wait i need that color to live Musk: eyyy i say da color yellow issa slur!! ey!!!

Musk: eyyyy i fighta inna cage match witha mark zuckerberg! oh!!!  Musk: just lika my hero lowtax fighta inna cage match witha uwe boll! Barker: oh yeah? how'd that match go for lowtax Musk: eh i forgetta Musk: it probably go real good eh?

King: you really think you could take mark zuckerberg? Musk: ey!! i'ma pickle rick!! i beata da zuck cuz my meme game issa strong! King: zuckerberg literally has an arena where he hunts men for sport, elon King: i feel like you might not be taking this as seriously as you should

Elon Musk: eyyy!!! i maka da meme!! i lika da dogecoin!! Mark Zuckerberg: [with eerie robotic calm] i have no animosity toward mr musk, but i will make orphans of his children. before the sun sets, i will slake my thirst with his blood. death will be a mercy that shall not come

Elon Musk: eyyy!!! I puncha da zuck! Oh!! [Mark Zuckerberg immediately delivers killing blow] King: oh shit! Poe: oh no! Barker: hahaaha hope you got $10 dude!!!

[wallterwall]

POSTAL

(2007)

By Uwe Boll

MAN:

Tower two.

Stand by.

[ speaks indistinctly ]

That's affirmative.

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep

of our martyrdom.

Praise Allah.

Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted

by Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers

of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins

who will worship us

for all eternity!

I thought it was 100.

What's that?

they promised me 100.

what's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing

and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know

for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number

of virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the 90s,

I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy,

but what if it's 10?

Well...

What if it's 10, but we have

to split them between us?

Then you'll have

five more virgins

than you have right now,

right?

We're talking

about eternity here!

How long will five virgins

last you -- maybe a month?

They're not going to be virgins

for long, right?

Look, would it make

you feel better

if we called the big guy?

Yes.

Take the stick.

- Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security

takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look,

Nabi has a question.

Will you talk to him?

No!

[ mutters indistinctly ]

You do it!

Hello!

Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really?

It was 100 when I signed up.

[ sighs ]

He said

it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs

in the first go-around.

You've got to be kidding me.

Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell me

the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee

Nabi and myself,

as far

as virgins are concerned?

[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]

No, that's fine.

MAN:

Do it!

Come on, man!

He can't guarantee

more than 20.

MAN #2:

Open the goddamn door,

you bastards!

MAN #3:

We're gonna f***ing

kill you, you motherf***er!

MAN #4:

Lying pieces of sh*t!

MAN #5:

Open the door!

MAN #6:

- Open this f***er!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the intercom

to the passengers.

We are changing course

for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

Aah!

[ indistinct shouting ]

We're going to the Bahamas!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Aah!

[ whistling ]

[ gunshots ]

MAN:

...Has again expanded

the definition of marriage,

this time to include any union

between a man and a woman,

a man and a man,

a woman and a woman,

a man and a collie,

or a woman, a polish sausage,

and a long weekend.

The standoff with Mr. Cruise

Has now stretched

into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist

that police are violating

his parental

and religious freedoms,

citing human sacrifice

as essential...

Today on

"Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Wells

joins us to talk about

the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze

of the year --

Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be

a super-dupe show.

Turn down that f***ing TV!

I can't hear my show.

[ indistinct shouting on TV ]

Yeah,

nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing

for my interview.

Fight!

Aw, you fight like a p*ssy.

No one's gonna hire

your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up

to your Uncle Dave already?

[ gagging ]

God damn it!

What the hell

is going on out there?!

Ugh.

Nothing.

Make sure you pick up

that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss,

sweetie pie...

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ squishing ]

Come on!

Come on!

No.

Bad boy.

Bad boy.

I told you --

no poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in

the next-door neighbor's yard.

[ gunshots pinging ]

Feces in the yard.

[ sighs ]

That's a violation

of trailer-park

ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

Th-the list?

The list. Great. The list.

W-what else?

What else

you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you two

do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11

says if I hear your lewd

lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,

I get to file a grievance

against your sorry ass,

which is

exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh.

- Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning

my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information,

hillbilly,

I wasn't even here

yesterday afternoon.

[ laughs ]

[ sighs ]

I hate this town.

Matt!

- Whatever!

This f***ing sucks.

And NASA,

The National Aeronautics

and Space Administration,

does not exist.

All the space missions

that we've heard about

since we were little kids

in school --

creations of Hollywood.

We did not land on the moon.

There is no John Glenn.

Well, there's a John Glenn

who's a Senator...

Hey, hello?

You, professor.

What is this,

a reading library?

Yeah, yeah.

Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no "two minutes" now.

You buy now, or bye-bye.

Bye-dee now now.

Ah, go on, bye-bye.

Go on.

Bye-bye.

You bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Hey.

Don't let the door

hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says he needs

to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she say

about me exactly?

That slut.

# killer, yeah,

and rhyme till I die #

# with an AK-47

from side to side #

# jihad killers #

# man, it's hot in here #

# you just to stake that

out of this atmosphere #

# jihad killers #

My brother.

Any police come around today?

Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me...

you are safely hidden here

for as long as you want.

Well, that may not

be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news

from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment

left three days ago.

Oh.

Praise Allah.

When, uh, will be it here?

Tomorrow!

The time has come for us

to place our swords

to the genitals

of the infidels.

[ exhales deeply ]

Whoo-hoo!

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ groans lightly ]

[ keys clacking ]

Gah.

I see

you noticed the heads --

motivational.

Those are

every f***ing bastard

that I had to climb over

to get this job.

Jesus.

[ laughs ]

Foul.

They're paper-mache.

They're --

he thought they were real.

[ chuckles ]

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi--

I hope you don't mind

the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it

as training later.

Ready?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

It's good.

What the f*** is wrong

with you?

It's, uh --

the chair is actually --

All right,

we're on a time clock,

So let's get started,

shall we?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Well...

Um, so, I'm here

for the job, sir.

Right.

You're a factory worker.

I was.

I was a factory worker, but

the factory got closed down,

so I got laid off, and --

I've interviewed 15 other people

for this job.

What makes you think

you're better than them?

Well, I don't know

if I am better than them.

Well, god damn it, pal.

If you want this job, you better

reach out and grab it.

You better put

those f***ing heads on the wall.

You know what? F*** it.

Let's go to the questions.

What is

your greatest strength?

Um...

I'm a really good team player.

Wrong.

[ keys clacking ]

What is

your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a

mountain using only a spoon?

A spoon?

If you were in a box,

how would you think outside it?

I bought all these goddamn English CDs

For you

to say f***ing "glass"?

It's "glasses."

You f***ing foreigners

come over here,

and you f*** up

the language,

and this b*tch

is f***ing up the traffic!

Come down, Greg.

You f***ing calm down!

This flat-ass b*tch

comes over here,

she takes over

the convenience stores,

and they eat up

all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her.

Come on.

WOMAN:

What's the holdup?!

You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'll just get out of the car

and make sure she's doing okay.

She's an old lady.

[ sighs ]

I feel bad now.

[ woman shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

The light is green.

[ speaking native language ]

The light is green.

You could have

went through the light.

The light turned gr--

what did you say?

[ speaking native language ]

What'd you say, b*tch?

Aah!

Why don't you stir-fry that?

[ man laughing ]

WOMAN:

Holy f***!

MAN:

Damn!

Yeah, that'll get her moving!

Man.

What happened over there?

B*tch called me n*gger.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Ooh.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Did you see that?

Yeah.

[ chuckles ]

One date with me,

she'll look like she's been hit

with a mayonnaise truck.

[ both laugh ]

That's right, Mr. Stickum.

[ both laugh ]

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

You got to hold it.

[ whimpers ]

Thank you.

Okay.

All set?

- Yes.

What do you got?

- I will have a medium...

[ inhales sharply ]

[ squeaking ]

No, you know what?

I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

Okay.

No.

No, you know what?

Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

W-w-what do you think

goes better with bagels?

Unh!

You had 10 minutes

to make up your f***ing mind!

What is it with you people?

Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee.

That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car,

I mean, right?

Make a f***ing decision, huh?

How about it?

I know.

Here we go.

You're gonna have

a regular coffee.

Careful -- the beverage you're

about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh...

What?

I, um --

Two lattes,

no foam, please.

[ rock music plays ]

I can't believe

this is the first time

you've ever been here.

Huh.

I mean, all these f***ing idiots

calling me Uncle Dave,

And here I am --

I actually am your Uncle Dave.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah.

So, when was the last time

I saw you?

The bachelor party,

right before the wedding night.

Oh, f***, yeah, right.

That was fun.

I wonder

if that donkey survived.

[ inhales deeply ]

Well, what do you think

of the place?

Ah, it's -- it's amazing.

Yeah. I kind of owe it

all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked

about running a con like this, right?

- Yeah.

[ why did you have to send like seven of these ]

[damagan]

Oh shit Uwe Boll is back on Twitter guys

I would just like to state I enjoyed his video game film POSTAL [2007] and his work outside game movies like Blubberella [2011].

also he directed the music video to one of my fav symphonic metal band's songs.

[freewayshark]

Daaaaaamn Borderlands is so bad Uwe Boll was like “I could’ve done better” and everyone is actually like “yeah he could’ve” oh it’s BAD bad

[tobiasdrake]

Episode 20 - The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya, Part 1

Shit. She's sighing. RED ALERT. ALL HANDS ON DECK. ENTERTAINMENT SQUAD TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS.

That's a funny way of saying "After Yuki killed Ryoko so hard that her corpse disintegrated." Kyon is narrating so it's not like he needs to keep pretense up.

I think this is for his own emotional wellbeing. He doesn't want to think about the fact that we fucking killed a person. He's convinced himself of the official Moved To Canada story so he can sleep at night.

I'm convinced that Haruhi is neurodivergent. She excels both athletically and academically, but doesn't pay attention in class and is solely concerned with whatever her latest hyperfixation is. I see a lot of myself in her, and not just because she's a self-involved asshole.

HAHAHAHAHAHA The way she gets target lock as she prepares to "accidentally trip" and dump tea on her patsy. Goddammit, Haruhi. Why is this even a thing you want? I don't know. But it's everyone else's problem now. Such is the way of Haruhi.

"Hey, have you heard about SOS Brigade?"

"You mean that one weird social group that meets in the reading club room and pretends to be a club but doesn't actually have any purpose or activity to pursue? Or even a teacher officially sponsoring them as a real club?"

"Yeah, those nerds. The ones who put their marketing everywhere but, so far as I can tell, don't actually do anything."

"That's not entirely true. Hey Kimidori-chan, didn't they find your missing boyfriend that one time?"

"...I don't have a boyfriend. So. No. They did not."

"Oh. Yeah, okay, I guess they are just a bunch of nerds."

She's brainstorming the idea of a movie she wants to film as a club activity. But I like how the camera centers on Mikuru as she says this. Because.

Like.

It's good news for Mikuru that Haruhi feels that way.

Because reality confirms to her wishes. And if she liked that trope then we all know who it would be.

Haruhi finally beginning to become at least a little disenchanted by her abducted trash boy. It's okay. We've all made bad choices.

She didn't, and instead moved on to her plan to make her own movie instead out of spite. But.

Can we have a moment of silence for Uwe Boll or whoever whose house probably burned down or something last night?

I. Don't know about that.

Hope-ful-ly, Haruhi knowing that she's creating fiction means she won't unconsciously manifest it into reality.

But she just put us all through a five-centuries time loop because she was upset that she didn't get to help everyone do homework. So. Like. Can we really be 100% sure that she's not going to pull some Alan Wake shit by doing this?

I mean.

He's being facetious but. Like.

That would work.

HARUHI

HONESTLY

You're not supposed to say the quiet part out loud. That is the subtextual purpose of this club. Subtextual!

Oh thank god those say 'model'.

It's Japan. One cannot just walk into a shopping mall and buy guns. This scene would be very different in an American-made series.

And horrifyingly so because I can think of nothing more frightening than Haruhi with a gun.

NEVER MIND THERE IT IS THAT'S WORSE

[nightcoremoon]

people who legitimately think that marvel movies are the bottom of the cultural barrel have zero media literacy or knowledge and I can’t take anything that they say seriously

I’m not gonna sit here and pretend that they’re the greatest movies ever made of all time but I will say they’re mostly fun so I don’t give a shit if scorsese nolan hitchcock kubrick etc are “better”. like nickelback. they’re not nearly the levels of talent and composition as dream theater, rush, king crimson, opeth, polyphia, deftones, loathe, sleep token, lady gaga, etc but they’re perfectly competent and listenable. you cannot sit there and tell me that the shitty myspacecore groups like brokencyde, blood on the dance floor, the medic droid, shitty drunk mom bands like hinder, saving abel, and buckcherry, shitty white girl pop like taylor swift, meg trainer, and katy perry, and shitty frat boy rap rock groups like crazy town, saliva, and kid rock, are in any way better than nickelback. you cannot tell me that you would rather listen to analcunt than nickelback even if you love analcunt because people who like grindcore know that it sounds like shit and that’s why they like it. and I’m gonna make a statement that’s so controversial in that the mcu movies are some of the best movies on the market these days because of one teeny tiny little detail.

every single american horror movie made in the last 20 years is so much worse than the most unpleasant and boring mcu film.

*except for jordan peele, who is the exception, not the rule.

paul ws anderson has not made a good movie since mortal kombat and the first resident evil AND EVEN THEN those are really cheesy, poorly edited, weirdly paced, and heavily flawed. michael bay’s writing sucks and relies solely on the spectacle of explosions. uwe boll. tommy fucking wiseau. every single shyamalan movie since unbreakable has been absolutely atrocious (aside from joaquin phoenix being the only one saving signs and the village from being NEARLY as fucking terrible as lady in the water, the happening, the last airbender, and so on, but they’re still stilted and awkward). nic cage is in a billion movies these days but we’re all just gonna forget about the late 90s and 2000s where he was in just as many movies and all of them are really really stupid? how about every superhero movie made prior to the mcu. did we forget that xmen 3 was so bad they literally fucking sent wolverine back in time to make it so that it never even happened? AND THEN HAD SANSA STARK MAKE A SILLY LITTLE JOKE ABOUT IT IN THE REBOOT TRILOGY??? but weirdly enough xmen 3 is still better then origins wolverine. oh and also green lantern, daredevil, catwoman, punisher warzone, all the batman movies where the suit has nipples, like you can’t tell me that the only good superhero movies are the worst ones because I HAVE SEEN WORSE BEFORE, sorry you were born after 2005 and you never bothered to engage media that wasn’t spoonfed to you by the algorithm.

but you know what I’d still rather watch The Room because sometimes things are bad in a way that’s still entertaining to see its incompetence, rather than Hulk. which is. fine I guess but I have no strong desire to ever watch that one again. but I still enjoyed watching it when I did. like yeah it’s not the best but it sure as fuck isn’t the worst and I’ll tell you why.

because the actual worst movies ever made of all time? dude. blumhouse’s cesspool. the conjuring is shit. annabelle is shit. sinister is shit. insidious is shit. paranormal activity is shit. the purge is shit. truth or dare is shit. unfriended is shit. oculus is shit. and night swim, that’s gonna be SOOO cringe. you’re fucking delusional at best, fucking ignorant at worst, if you think that this deluge of propaganda is better. you say that the story beats in every marvel movie are exactly the same even though they’re the same story beats that every single movie and novel has had for the past 150 years (well more like 1500 years), where you have the prologue and the inciting incident then act 2 then the midpoint then there’s a despair event horizon then a climax and a denounement at the end capping it off like a cherry on top of the sundae on an assembly line. they all copy the hero’s journey from greek storytelling. they’re all in the same boat so that’s literally the dumbest criticism you can make. you’re sitting there eating instant ramen while talking smack about hot pockets for not being made of healthy ingredients.

it’s hypocritical, and it’s telling that 90% of the people who do nothing but make a hundred posts every day about how bad marvel movies are, don’t actually do anything besides watch marvel movies just to find things to complain about. like, all you’re doing is the exact same thing that marvel fans do but you’re cultivating your own misery whereas the fans enjoy it and milk it for serotonin. it’s like when self identified anti-sjws didn’t realize that they were also SJWs, they were just on the other side of the battle lines. luckily they’re all so braindead and prone to follower mentality that they just say the word woke is bad because everyone else says that word is bad even though they have no solid definition for what the fuck woke even means anymore besides being a buzzword to help us intelligent people distinguish a bigoted asshole. point is you don’t know how to create your own opinions so you just copy whoever is spreading the most vitriol and hate.

it’s just honestly so sad to see but at the same time I envy the illusion. if I lived in a world where I thought that fried chicken was the worst food ever made expressly because everything else available to me was so much more yummy than fried chicken. imagine the privilege. imagine having champagne and caviar for breakfast, foie gras for lunch, and sushi for dinner with tiramisu for dessert, living in paradise because the worst thing in your life is fried chicken. you’ve never had to eat hot dogs. you’ve never had kale crammed down your throat. your mac and cheese doesn’t come in a box. you’re so goddamn lucky that the worst movies you’ve ever seen are still better than most movies period I’ve seen.

so I hope that when you inevitably are approached with the reality of video brinquiedo you aren’t fucking traumatized. because you’re basically the marie antoinette of cinema.

[lowtaxsa]

Mr. Beast VS. Uwe Boll

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the event you never knew you needed in your life: a boxing match between internet sensation Mr. Beast and the auteur of cinematic disasters, Uwe Boll! I'm your sarcastically enthusiastic host, Lowtax, and boy, do we have a treat for you tonight.

In the red corner, we have Mr. Beast, the YouTube juggernaut, master of giving away money and turning philanthropy into a spectator sport. Will his ability to throw cash at his problems translate into a mean right hook? We're about to find out!

And in the blue corner, Uwe Boll, the man who singlehandedly ruined more video game movie adaptations than you can shake a stick at. He's here to prove that, just like his movies, he can punch way above his weight class. Or below it. Honestly, it's hard to tell with him.

And with that, the bell rings, and the match begins!

Round 1:

Mr. Beast comes out swinging, perhaps hoping to impress the crowd with a few flashy moves, but Uwe Boll effortlessly dodges his punches with the grace of a German shepherd on roller skates. The crowd gasps, unsure whether to be impressed or horrified by this bizarre display.

Lowtax (commenting): Wow, folks, it's like watching two drunks try to fight their own shadows. If only they put as much effort into their respective careers as they're putting into this fight, am I right?

Round 2:

Boll, seemingly done with the theatrics, lands a solid punch to Mr. Beast's jaw. The YouTube star staggers back, clearly feeling the impact of that German-engineered fist. Boll, sensing weakness, moves in for the kill, pummeling Mr. Beast with a series of devastating blows.

Lowtax (commenting): Oh, the humanity! It's like watching a car crash in slow motion, if the car was made of money and bad movie adaptations. Who knew Uwe Boll had such a killer instinct?

Round 3:

Mr. Beast, now battered and bruised, attempts to rally, but it's clear he's outmatched. Boll delivers the final knockout blow, sending Mr. Beast crashing to the canvas. The crowd erupts in cheers, their bloodlust sated for the moment.

Lowtax (commenting): Well, folks, it seems Mr. Beast has met his match in the form of an angry German filmmaker. Who would've thought? Maybe next time, he'll stick to giving away cars and leave the fighting to the professionals.

But just as Lowtax finishes his commentary, Uwe Boll, unsatisfied with his victory, turns his attention to the sarcastic announcer. He leaps from the ring and begins pummeling Lowtax, his fists a blur of misplaced aggression.

Lowtax (groaning in pain): Wait, what? No, not me, you maniac! I'm just the sarcastic commentator!

The crowd, now whipped into a frenzy, continues to cheer for Uwe Boll as he wails on both Mr. Beast and Lowtax. Bloodied and beaten, the pair can only whimper in pain as they're subjected to the wrath of a man who's been ridiculed one too many times.

And with that, the match comes to an end – a brutal, yet fittingly absurd conclusion to a battle between three of the internet's most bizarre personalities. The crowd roars its approval as Uwe Boll stands triumphant over the defeated Mr. Beast and Lowtax, basking in the glory of a victory that, much like his film career, will likely be forgotten by the time the next spectacle comes along.

[bigprettygothgf]

Oh god he’s doing silent hill 2 movie. I want to die.

you may as well get uwe fucking boll to direct

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

While I forget or...I think I remember the context of the joke. And I do wanna mention there’s this idea of Sly Eastenegger getting the Mask Of Fenrir. But I wanna make this joke finally. I also recall comparing Sly to Uwe Boll last week if I recall.

-

Sly: My films are spectacular! The box office proves it!

Owen Big Head: Ummm are you sure? I don’t hear many people talk about your movies?

Sly: Well my awards prove otherwise. 

Owen Big Head: Dude, Sylvester Stallone was nominated for best actor for an Oscar for the first Rocky. One of the best films ever made. From what I recall, you mainly have...oh wait, Stallone did get a lot of Razzies. Like holy shit...two dozen...wow...I’m confused.

Sly: See, I may have some Razzies. But Stallone has a head start.

Owen Big Head: At least Stallone got nominated for the Oscars and you didn’t.

Sly: MOTHERFUCKER! https://twitter.com/ooctss/status/1436108969714479119

[sodomyordeath]

Are there any directors that make you not watch a movie?

Oh yes, there’s a good number of those

- Uwe Boll, everything he ever made is utter garbage

- Paul W. S. Anderson - the exception is “Event Horizon” everything else, garbage

-   Michael Bay, big budget garbage

-  Todd Phillips, exception his GG Allin Documentary, the rest is just bad humor and reactionary garbage

-  Zack Snyder, well just mix and match Bay and Phillips

-  Roland Emmerich, exception “Joey” and even that one is crinch these days and a Chucky rip off

-  Marcus Nispel, 3ed german on the list, should go back to shooting commercials

-  J. J. Abrams, didn’t fuck up one but two sci-fi properties

-  McG

special credit to Alex Kurtzman as producer and even more as writer who seems to have a personal vendetta against properties I like.

[mendelsohnben]

LONG RANT INCOMING/

Oh my god I'm not allowed to watch terrible movies then tear them apart? That's one of my favourite hobbies! But real talk, I'm finding this really bizarre -- why the fuck am I not allowed to criticize something I invested time into consuming??????? ??????? 

Polar was disliked by 88% of critics that watched it and has a measly 2.6 on letterboxd, the fact of the matter is that the majority didn't like it, and that tells you something! Rotten Tomatoes is a consensus. If you're in the minority that's fine, but most of the time people don't dislike a movie for no reason or just to be “haters”. (and before someone mentions imdb, don’t, the ratings are trash, the rating manipulation there is mind-boggling)

(idk about the "it's a satire" argument because the two halves (Mads+Vanessa // hit squad+Blut) of the movie completely undermine each other in terms of tone and/or intent, and what would it be satirizing exactly? the hitman genre it does nothing to subvert? "it's based on a comic" doesn't make sense to me either because it looks nothing like the source material, and if the source material is that ugly I'd rather they change things, not to mention the comic looks like a moody atmospheric affair with zero dialogue)

I also have a real problem with this widespread notion that "the quality of movies is completely subjective", I'm firmly in the camp that liking a film doesn't mean it's good. Even if you like Polar don't tell me that it has good CG, editing, narrative structure or dialogue, it fucking doesn't. Those can be judged pretty objectively. Generally, if CG looks fake, it’s bad. If the narrative doesn’t have a logical momentum, it’s bad. I need more than “an actor is nekkid and badass” to convince me a movie is “good”. As a creative, it's really demoralizing that some people think art is impossible to judge, therefore you can't say PT Anderson films are “better” than Uwe Boll films! Why should I or any other artist strive to improve, art is completely subjective!

Disregarding all the above, "it’s subjective to call it a bad movie”? why..... can’t I be subjective and call it a bad movie?????

And maybe some people don't want to waste money or time and would like informed opinions on movies before committing, don’t shame them for that?? Usually critics have watched tons and tons of films and are more knowledgeable than the average person (i.e. it's their fucking job), it makes sense to use them as reference? What's with this anti-intellectual, anti-criticism mentality that's so prevalent these days? On the flip side, if film criticism is so worthless why do you care what others think? Just go enjoy whatever you'd like, you do you!

Yes, I'm a bit of a movie elitist. Trust me, if you've put nearly 2,500 hours into a hobby you'll likely become a bit of a snob too. I've seen a lot, and don't have much patience for inept films unless they strike a chord with me. Even then I'm not gonna tell you something's good solely because "I found it fun and I liked it".

Honestly I didn’t care much about this film in one way or another, I review movies negatively all the time, I wasn’t going to give Polar special treatment just because Mads is in it -- but some of the reactions I’ve seen against the criticism of it has gotten me passionate, as you can see. 

[weedle-testaburger]

Yeah, my dad knew I didn’t have much experience with trains so he wanted to make sure I didn’t panic or anything. I have no problem with them now anyway. And I thought it was just me who had that dream problem. Don’t know why. Also since you mentioned them, I thought the death of the Slitheen in Series 1 was funny as hell. They all get blown to bits by an anti-ship missile fired at Downing Street. It was so over the top I burst into laughter, I LOVED it! “Yes! Kill the shit out of them!”

That's good then. And yeah it is, I always found it funny how the main one's last words were 'Oh boll' too, it sounds like what you should say after seeing an Uwe Boll movie.

[marcythatdamnraccoon]

oh my god, what a fucking idiot

[thewildcat]

"Rampage (2018) is possibly the worst film in the past 2018 years." Oh please. It's not the worst movie of all time. Hell, it's not even the worst monster/kaiju movie. Have you ever seen Ed Wood, Uwe Boll, some of the worst Godzilla/Gamera movies?

Oh please. Do you know what an exaggeration is?

[catluniscia]

Deviantart Youtube Redbubble Teepublic  Ko-fi Commission

Okay I am gonna tell you all I know about Bloodrayne. It was a video game made in the early 2000s. You play as the character Rayne Who is a dhampir which is a half vampire. You got to fight Nazis and it was popular because of its complex storyline...okay it was popular because of boobs.

I also know that is was made into a series of movies Directed by the infamous director Uwe Boll. Who found out like in the Musical the Producers. That there was a Loophole in his country that made him able to make more money from movie flops than movie success. I Shit you not he admitted it in a DVD commentary. And Also in the 3rd movie of the series has Willam Belli from Rupaul's Drag race in both that movie and the comedy using that set and actors called Blubberella...trust me its not a good movie either.

And here is a fun fact about me I never played this game. I mean I am kinda interested in finding a copy and playing it somehow but good luck am I right? But if you wanna know how I know all this Bloodrayne history? Well not Wikipedia no no I learned from one of my fave youtubers....not even a gaming one no no no I learned from a film reviewing one known as Phelous he is good if you want a recommendation. 

Oh And Bloodrayne Betrayal? It is unlike any of the other games it was a 2d side scroller...and it looks like....an early 2000s fan flash game and it was made in 2011 I mean there is nothing wrong with anime style flash games it's just, from the screen grabs I saw it was almost a downgrade and then like I heard the reviews where mixed so there is that. I think the game needs a GOOD reboot I think the world needs a game with a new kick-ass lady again.

Soo now to the art think I talked enough? Anyway I um colored it...and used a lot of effects to cover my lack of skill and to make it look somehow decent....wow that was short