#oh my lover decided to be death incarnate and lives inside me and also wants to be killed for the sake of my world to keep on living | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pinkletterday · 6 years ago

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In which Hussie says to hell with it and talks about all her slash WiPs even though she has no idea when they will be posted.

I love Olivarry and Coldflash. But my problem with reading those fics are that I miss Iris like a limb if she's not also part of Barry.

I felt the same way before I ever shipped Westallen, and I didn't even ship them for the longest time. Nor was I particularly interested in Iris as a character until sometime mid-way S3.

(It was when she burst into frightened tears in 3x9. Something in me immediately went PROTECC and it hasn't turned off since.)

I think it was more the sheer intensity of Barry's love for her that fascinated me. Not that a man fixating on a woman and obsessively pinning all his happiness on her is new or healthy phenomenon, but it was also deeper than that, character-wise. His love for her is so tied up in his self-definition, and the myriad ways their childhood bond helped mould their adult selves.

(And the fact that no matter how this love can change in nature, he will never be immune to appreciating her beauty and sexuality as a woman, which is so important to me as a slash fan and WoC. Seeing women be desexualized unless they're active romantic interests makes me want to scream. You can find people attractive af without wanting to bang them! It doesnt make you any less close! Not all close m/f relationships have to be sibling-like! Aargh!)

Regardless of how it came about, I need Iris to have that importance in Barry's life no matter who (else?) he's in love with. Which is why I started writing slash myself. It's a relief to me to know that she's there in every story I write, like a personal touchstone if nothing else. There you are my darling, you aren't forgotten.

Coldflash vs Olivarry polyam AU - Barry's love for Iris and the pain of her rejection is the springboard of the series. His struggle to reconcile with her over the years drives his character trajectory as much his love for Len and Oliver does. And there is so much she sees and evolves and goes through herself that the stupid boy cannot see until the very end, caught up in his own pain as he is.

The Assistant Verse - Barry and Iris are queerplatonic partners in a poly sexual relationship. Iris is the one who dolls up her boy in lipstick and booty shorts and sends him into Len's path in Paint It Red. Many years later, in Every Kind of Love, she descends wrathfully on Oliver from half a world away for doing her darling wrong, bringing her own broken heart for Barry to nurse.

This is one of the most wholesome Westallen relationships I have ever written, even though I'm pretty sure it will generate the least interest.

For The Good of the Realm - in the first draft Iris was Barry's first love and heartbreak pulled apart by politics, but in the second revision they're again queerplatonic partners and childhood best friends who call each other "soulmates". They had hoped to be married to each other and be kept safe from political matches. But then Barry becomes betrothed to High King Oliver and must be sent to Starling Court as the reluctant new Prince Consort, while Iris sets out on her mission to emancipate the tribes of the Middle Kingdom. They gift each other two halves of a magical "heartstone", a conduit of emotional resonance that connects two people across leagues of distance. In the fear, alienation and intrigue of the Starling Court, its Iris's love and safety that Barry holds onto, even while he falls in love with his husband.

Call Me By Your Name - Barry and Iris go to Greece in the summer before college, each hoping it will lead to a resolution to the magnetic push and pull they've been feeling for years. But when Barry meets and falls in love with Oliver and realizes he's gay, he is devastated at both breaking Iris's heart and not being in love with her. Because he really wants to be; she's always been his home and the future he's envisioned - to lose that terrifies him. It's a story about Barry and Oliver's sexual and romantic awakening, but also about how Barry and Iris manage to break down their own expectations of what it means to love one another forever and build something much truer and real.

A Stitch in Time is solidly Queenwestallen now. I was going to have Iris evolve into an undefined queerplatonic partner for Barry and Oliver but that ship is long gone.

For Love Or Money - Barry and Iris were childhood sweethearts and married young, Barry's tech startup and her career both took off. By their mid-twenties they should be the couple that has it all.

Except for Iris finally realizing she's ace and sex-repulsed. This is a terrible shock to both of them and not a small blow to Barry's self-esteem because she's the only woman he's ever been with. But they decide they're too in love to divorce and Iris tentatively suggests that Barry takes the opportunity to explore his interest in men, leading him to engage Oliver's services as an escort. Iris has to discover for herself what it means to be an asexual woman but Barry falling in love with Oliver is an issue they both have to deal with as a couple. Meanwhile Oliver has to reconcile the fact that not only is he falling for a client but one who is very much in love with his wife.

Mercury Rising - my Earth-13 Coldflash mob boss AU and oh is Iris ever there! This is my most delicious iteration of her - not as Barry's support but as his combatant, his antagonist and the eternal thorn in his side. Her unwitting role in Barry's betrayal that drives him to criminality, her bull-headed faith in the goodness of his character even in the face of his escalating violence, calling him to account every step of the way till he does the one thing she cannot forgive. The resulting single-minded determination to take her former best friend down without compromising her own moral code even as the undeniable magnetism between the two of them wreak havoc with their lives, and final realization that even after everything she can never give up on Barry Allen. Hate is truly just love with its back turned and what makes them tear each other to pieces even as it brings out their noblest and most human instincts.

Queen of Starling - On Earth 42, Beatrice Allen is adopted by Harrison Wells when her parents are murdered and taken away to Starling City - but even distance can't make her less in love with the best friend she left behind.

Here's the kicker of this story - Iris dies. Her death bisects Beatrice's story in two - the halycon days of her girlhood and the shattered trauma of the next fifteen years where she has to collect the pieces of herself out of her lover's grave to rebuild herself into the mother her children need, the superhero the world needs and to let herself love again.

The Awakening - Curse specialist Iris West and alchemist/ lore master Barry Allen are part of the Men of Letters team that go into a old cursed and haunted mansion to retrieve the Book Of The Dead, last known to have been in the hands of disgraced former Man of Letters and necromancer Eobard Thawne. The team is led by their chapter's chairman Harrison Wells, but the expedition is funded by eccentric millionaire and hunter Oliver Queen.

The blue-collar hunters and elitist Men of Letters don't trust Oliver, being seen as a mere hobbyist or thrill-seeker in the absence of any real tragedy or family legacy to put him on his path. But Iris distrusts him because she's the only one who can see his clear attraction to her best friend and childhood sweetheart Barry. Iris has spent her life as Barry's protector, himself being something of a pariah in the community due to his rumoured supernatural parentage and open empathy for the spirits and monsters they hunt. It's Iris that sees the way the house draws in both Barry and Oliver and the patterns of the hauntings that occur around them, she's the one who is as terrified for Barry's safety as Oliver as the house sucks them deeper into the tragedy of its past and she's the one that finally deduces how the malevolence of the house works and what it wants.

From Dusk Till Dawn - I think this is the story that has Iris in it the least. Eobard kidnaps Barry at age fifteen and subjects him to an experiment that backfires badly, leaving him dead and Barry with only a fraction of powers he was destined to have and no connection to the Speed Force. ARGUS immediately finds him and forces him to manufacture a rift with the Wests so they can claim him without suspicion, mould him into one of their operatives and train him to hunt the other metahumans Eobard created.

This is an Olivarry story where Barry rediscovers hope and love through his secret protection of Oliver. But its the memory of Iris's love and the happiness of their childhood that keeps him tethered to his humanity through the next eight years, it is her that he goes to the night before what he believes will be his final sacrifice ("You have always been the best part of me. Keep that part of me inside your heart and I can never die. Keep me and don't let me go, Iris"), it is her, after everything, that leads him home, and it is her that seeks out Oliver and asks him to help Barry heal.

This is not including my Coldwestallen fics The Scarlet Rose (Snow Queen/ Beauty and the Beast fusion) and The Adventures of Snart The Cat (Bastet turns Len into a cat and charges him with protecting Barry and Iris's unborn child).

So yes, I absolutely started writing slash because I missed Iris West. It's not just her though. None of the ladies are relegated to ship support. In the Polyam AU Lisa Snart specifically rips into Barry for ignoring her emotional needs as a friend while on the outs with Len, Oliver's fixation with Barry in Stitch in Time and resulting neglect of his friendship with Laurel has serious repercussions, Caitlin couldn't give less of a damn about Barry's romantic exploits in her incarnations as Killer Frost. Even in For The Good of the Realm where he's her foster brother and charge, Caitlin is more wrapped up in manoeuvring him away from court intrigue, legitimizing her own presence at his side and being a ball of identity issues. And I absolutely love my dark!Felicity AUs where she is outright antagonistic and disapproving of Barry's love interests and sometimes of Barry himself. In the Olivarry stories where she is supportive and sympathetic, Felicity and Oliver themselves still acknowledge their own romantic potential. Which means Barry and Oliver falling in love creates tension between the three of them, and the men have to learn how not to hurt her or take her support for granted while they figure themselves out.

The relationships between men and women in every flavour and intensity makes stories so much richer and deeper and three dimensional. I am done being conditioned as a woman to erase ourselves when we inhabit the bodies and stories of m|m men.

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miitzwrites · 7 years ago

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YOIMYTHWEEK/Day 3 & 5

Hello eveyone! Welcome to the 5th day of the YOIMYTHWEEK ( @yoimythologyweek ) !!!

I decided to combine both prompts because I believe they worked better together. Small story time, this is the first time that I actually cry while writing, so, with mistakes and all, I do hope you guys can feel why I tried to express here.

Without futher ado, enjoy!

[Also on AO3 and FF.net]

Day 3: Reincarnation and Immortality

Day 5: Star-crossed lovers.

(Or 5 times where their love wasn’t strong enough, and 1 time where it was)

Japan, 1850.

It wasn’t a secret for the courts of both countries that Prince Katsuki and Prince Nikiforov were more than just friends. They visited the homeland of the other often. They spent hours in each other’s company, and at night, they shared a room

Even their families knew they were lovers, and they allowed them, as long as they didn’t forget their obligations with their respective crowns

Therefore, when the Emperor announced that his youngest son would get married to a European princess, Yuuri bowed his head, hiding the evident sadness in his eyes

A few weeks later, when Yuuri broke the news to Victor, the Russian prince paled. “Yuuri, your father has no right…

“He is the Emperor, Victor. He can do what he pleases, as long as the country is safe.

“But Yuuri…

“War hasn’t been kind, and he needs allies.

“Then marry me,” Victor offered without a second thought, “ Yes, marry me. Russia is his best option. We have the weapons, an army, and we’re expanding our trades with other countries of Europe.

Yuuri shook his head, sniffing, “I already suggested it. He thought I was going mad, and then he said if he ever wanted to form an alliance with your country, he would send Mari to you.” Yuuri felt powerless, and Victor did the only thing he could think of at that moment, he brought him closer, kissing his lips softly. “I promise you now, whatever happens in the future, you won’t go through it alone.

Yuuri believed him

Xxx

The wedding date arrived, and the princess, Anna, looked flawless in her white dress, with the big diamond ring on her finger, and her bright smile. Yuuri did his best to look somewhat happy, but his solemn expression only changed for an instant, when Victor approached them to congratulate the happy couple

He couldn’t stand the hypocrisy of the people who surrounded him, so in an impulse, he ran away and hid in the Imperial Gardens. His shoulders shook, and he sobbed quietly when two strong pair of arms embraced him. Yuuri didn’t need to turn around to know who was there with him, and immediately, relaxed against his lover’s chest

“Let’s run away,” Victor whispered, “this country doesn’t need you. My family wouldn’t care if I vanish one day, please Yuuri, I’m begging you.” The urgency of his voice broke Yuuri’s heart, and he knew, if he turned around to face him, he would accept on the spot

Victor understood, so he let Yuuri go, regarding him with a kind smile. “If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting for you at the deck before midnight. If you don’t come, then I will return to my country, so you won’t have to worry about me anymore.

Victor walked back to the palace, leaving Yuuri behind

“My Prince, you’re here!” the high-pitched voice of Anna, startled Yuuri, who quickly wiped his eyes off. “Let’s go inside, your father wants to speak with you.” Feeling numb, Yuuri let his wife drag him inside

He didn’t have to give it much of a thought, and without looking back, he abandoned the banquet and ran to the deck. He waited for Victor, and when he showed up, the Russian prince gave him one of his famous heart-shaped smile, the kind of gesture that was reserved only for Yuuri’s eyes

“I can’t live without you, Victor,” he shyly said, and Victor took his hand, “I promise you, zolotse, I will work every day to make you the happiest man alive.

“This is an atrocity!” Anna’s voice broke their bubble as she approached them with fire in her eyes. “How can you betray me with him?

“Anna, you don’t understand,” Victor tried to reason with her, but Yuuri placed a hand on his arm, a signal to let him deal with her

“I am so terribly sorry that you had to find it out like this. But I can’t stay here, Anna. It won’t be fair for either of us.

“I don’t care about fairness! You betrayed my country and my crown. And you mocked me. Prince Katsuki, you deserve a worse fate than death itself.

The princess pulled from behind her back a knife, but the attack wasn’t directed to Yuuri. She aimed at Victor. Yuuri, upon realizing this, with quick reflexes, pushed his lover away, receiving Anna’s anger. The sharp blade cut through his chest, causing, on the young prince, a fatal wound. Terrified, Victor moved to Yuuri’s side, cutting his hand in the process of extracting the knife

“I damn you! But you, the man who wanted to take him from me, you will get the worst punishment. You will live for an eternity, and you will find Yuuri again, when he reincarnates, only to see him die again. Remember my words, and never forget what you did to me!

Victor ignored the princess, his sole attention was focused on his beloved Prince, who was struggling to breathe. “Please don’t go. I love you, Yuuri, please!” Yuuri coughed, a trail of blood slipped through his lips, and with his last breath, he softly whispered, “I will always love you, Victor.”

The guards found the Russian prince, cradling the lifeless body of the Japanese prince against his chest.

Two weeks later, Anna was executed, and no one heard from Victor ever again

Ooooo

United Kingdom, 1870.

Being an immortal was… Weird. But Victor managed. He traveled often to avoid people’s questions regarding his beauty and age. He didn’t grow older, so he would look forever like a young man in his mid-twenties.

Almost twenty years had passed since that fateful night, and he wasn’t entirely sure if the words of that woman carried any true, at least, about her curse on Yuuri. Although he would never forget his biggest love, Victor was content that he had found eternal rest.

Or so he thought.

Xxx

Victor loved books, and he spent his evenings in the local library. Absorbed in his reading, he didn’t notice a man who took a seat next to him.

“Would you mind if I take this book for a moment?” A foreign voice said, and Victor made a gesture with his hand to go ahead. Then he looked up, and the words didn’t leave his mouth. He looked at him, his fair skin and auburn hair were a nice feat, but his eyes, the warm chocolate that he had only see once, was there. Victor could only stare.

Yuuri was alive. Not like the soft boy that he had met back in Japan, but his soul was there. Victor’s own soul was calling for him.

He raised a pray to the skies and thanked the mighty force that made this possible.

“Thank you,” the man said, and Victor barely nodded. The other man, with auburn hair, took his material reading and walked to another bookshelf.

Victor returned the next day, at the same hour, and the same young man walked in front of him, but he didn’t stop to look at him or to talk to him, like the day before. Did Yuuri forget about him? About their promises of eternal love? Victor shook his head at that thought. No, his Yuuri couldn’t forget him.

One evening, tired of waiting, he finally decided to talk to him. He got up from his spot where he frequently sat, and approached the desk where the young man was working, and waved his hand. The young man looked at Victor with a frown, but then ignored him.

“Yuuri,” Victor said in a quiet voice and, miraculously, the man immediately raised his eyes. “Oh my God, Yuuri! You remember me!” He extended his arms to hug him, but he stepped back. “You’re mistaken, Sir. I am Ben, and I have never heard of a Yuuri.”

Ben gathered his book, and turned away, abandoning the library. Victor followed promptly, determined to talk with Ben, no, with Yuuri. In a hurry, Ben crossed the street, and his keys slipped from his pocket. He crouched down to pick them out, ignoring the car that was oblivious to the presence of a man in the middle of the street. “Yuuri, look out!” Victor yelled, but it was too late. The car hit Ben, causing him an instant death.

It was funny. Yuuri couldn’t remember him, but Victor did. And he would also remember the second time that he lost him.

Ooooo

Rusia, 1917

Being an immortal meant that he could see with a fresh perspective the places where he lived once. So, the obvious choice was to return to his homeland for a time. He settled in St. Petersburg this time, near the train station.

Also, he had the chance to fall in love with different incarnations of his Yuuri. This time, his soul cried for a woman, and even if his preferences were clear since he was just a teen, Victor couldn’t ignore the way she moved in the store, her red lips and bouncing curls, and her shy smile directed at him every time he entered the small business. She was a seamstress and Victor always had a new excuse to bring her one of his suits.

“Mr. Victor, the buttons are fine. You’re not a careless man, are you?”

“Not at all, Miss Lena.”

“Good, because the tear on this pants wasn’t an accident.”

“I have a very valid reason, you will not believe it.”

“And what is it, Mr. Victor?”

“I’d like to ask you and your father permission to court you.”

Her cheeks turned into an adorable shade of pink, and her chocolate eyes looked at him almost as if her soul could recognize him. “My father and I have a trip planned for a month, and our ship sails tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, I see,” Victor frowned, clearly disappointed. Lena quickly placed her hand on his arm, and Victor felt as if his soul was singing with happiness. “I will talk to him, and in a month, you can discuss it with him properly.”

Victor nodded, eager to wait. He had waited for Yuuri for half a century and more, a month was nothing in comparison.

Xxx

Just as promised, Victor returned to Lena’s small store, and her mother delivered the bad news. The ship sank on the gelid waters, and the bodies were yet to be found.

Victor cried that night. His Yuuri never learned to swim.

Ooooo

Spain, 1936

Being an immortal has its pros. For example, Victor had the chance to experience new careers. This time, he dedicated his time to painting portraits. He would ask random people on the streets to model for him, and he would pay them. Some of them thought he was a pervert, others accepted, interested in what the strange man had to offer.

Victor, on his part, believed that he was closer to Yuuri.

He painted women and men. Some smiled at him, and others remained serious throughout the whole process. Then, one evening, a man, not much older than Victor himself, showed at his door. “Señor Nikiforov, I am Marcos, and I need this job.” Victor smiled at the young boy but avoided looking at him. Since the incident with Yuuri’s first incarnation, Victor promised not to be so reckless. He couldn’t carry the guilt again.

“Alright, please take a seat there,” Victor pointed at the couch near the window and prepared his materials. “I hope you’re aware that this is not a formal job, it’s a one time job only.”

“Oh, yes, yes, that’s fine. I need the money for my younger brothers.” Marcos told him, fidgeting with his sleeve. “That’s generous of you, Marcos,” Victor absently said, sitting on his preferred chair, grabbing his pencils, and started to draw the lines of the young man upper body on the paper. He did a fairly quick job, but when he reached his face, he had to stop for a moment. Those bright, brown eyes stared at him, and his lips were adorned with a serene smile.

Victor had to leave the room to compose himself. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, he wouldn’t pressure him. If the soul of this body could feel how Victor’s cried for him, then, eventually, he would remember him.

Yes, that was a far more decent plan.

“Tell me more about yourself, Marcos,” Victor asked when he returned with a glass of water for him and the model. He learned that, in this life, Marcos had three brothers and two sisters. His father worked in the mines and her mother stayed at home. He had worked since he was a child, but the money wasn’t enough for the eight members of his family, so this was an opportunity that he couldn’t miss

Then, Marcos agreed to return for another session, after Victor offered to pay him the double. With the money in his pocket, Marcos shook Victor’s hand, and something flashed in his eyes, something that Victor couldn’t decipher right then. But whatever it was, Victor considered a small progress.

A week later, the civil war within the country started, and Marcos never returned to Victor’s studio.

Ooooo

America, 1979

Being an immortal was lonely, but it gave Victor a chance to do something useful with his time. For example, he did social service in the local hospital, a couple of blocks down his apartment. He usually visited children, they were innocent, and Victor, despite the situation, found himself energized, he smiled more, and the small girls loved his heart-shaped smile.

“Victor, I’m glad you came! We need a big favor.” The nurse Marla greeted him, but her face was somber. That could only mean one thing.

“Sure thing, lead the way.”

“His name is Jose. He arrived here a couple of weeks ago, but the person who brought him here abandoned him. The doctors have given up any hope for him. He’s high on morphine, so it’s very unlikely he would wake up until…”

“I understand, Marla. I will call you when it happens.”

After all this time, Victor was used to the smell of death and disinfectant, proper of a hospital, but he could never get used to seeing someone die. In fact, he envied them. They could rest and wait for their next life, not like Victor, who was stuck in this world.

He approached the only occupied bed in the room, dragged a chair to sit close to the bed, and started reading out loud. He chose one of his favorite books, The Little Prince.

The hours passed, and the night fell on the streets. The room was dimly illuminated, and, though Victor never stayed this late, he couldn’t leave Jose alone. Whoever he was, he deserved to have someone by his side when the inevitable happened.

Victor leaned back against the plastic chair, rubbing his eyes, tired. And then, he heard him.

“I have missed your voice, Victor,” Jose struggled to talk, but his words wear clear. Victor, in shook, dropped his book and jumped from his chair to kneel by Jose’s bed. “My Victor, it’s been too long…”

“No, Yuuri, not now…” Victor, shakily, took Jose, no, Yuuri’s hand, kissing the bruised knuckles, “Why do you have to remember me now?”

With the little strength that this body still carried, Yuuri smiled, using his other hand to run his fingers through Victor’s hair. “It is a blessing and a curse. I finally find you when I’m about to leave,” he whispered, with a calm proper of someone who knew that his time was running out.

“I will find you again, my Yuuri, and will do this right,’ Victor promised with an edge of desperation on his words, but Yuuri shook his head, “No. Victor, I don’t want your soul to be tied to mine anymore. Forget about me, please,”

“But Yuuri. –“

“Please, Victor, for me. If the gods allow us to be happy, then be it. But until then, I don’t want to be the source of your pain.”

“My Yuuri…”

“I know, Victor. I love you, too.” With his last breath, Yuuri smiled at Victor.

He couldn’t do anything but gaze into Yuuri’s eyes for the last time until the life was gone for his body.

Minutes later, the nurses found Victor in the same position, kneeling by Jose’s bed, grasping his hand against his chest, and crying uncontrollably.

Xxx

When he left the hospital, Victor walked numbly to his apartment. The rain was pouring outside, and he was soaked, but he didn’t care. At least, he was feeling something. He looked up at the skies, feeling, for the first time in decades, angry at whoever was doing this to them.

“Why?” He demanded as if someone could give him an answer, “Why do you take him from me every time? My only mistake was to love him!” Victor stubbornly stood under the rain for hours, earning confused looks for the people that passed by.

The rain stopped, and he made up his mind. It was time to find another place to live.

Ooooo

Sochi, 2015

Being an immortal was worse than death itself.

Victor had opted for loneliness, and, once again, returned to Russia, where he started practicing one of his favorite sports, ice skating. It wasn’t hard to get back in shape, and he quickly won the attention of one of the best coaches in St. Petersburg, Yakov Feltsman. Soon enough, he was notorious on the ice skating community, and five consecutive gold medals later, he became Russia’s living legend.

Even in his solitude, Victor found a little bit of his heart on the ice.

And when he dared to perform “Stay Close to me,” people applauded his excellent choreography and skills, but no one stopped to ask why he longed to find the part of his soul that was missing. No one really cared.

And then, reality came crashing into him, hard.

People loved this Victor, loved his ability on the ice, loved his charm and his seductive smile, but no one knew about the man behind the mask, the man who had lost his beloved in multiple times, no one knew how badly he struggled to keep living a life that wasn’t his.

But he kept skating, winning, and crying.

Xxx

His world turned upside down the night of the banquet at Sochi.

There was this man, a Japanese skater, very drunk and very fun to look at. He pole-danced like a pro, and was bold enough to defy Yuri. Who was this man that, with just a gesture of his hand, had Victor on the dance floor dancing with him? Of course, he knew him. He needed to know his competitors. But he never paid attention to his eyes. It was only then, when the Japanese man wrapped his arms around his neck and asked to be his coach, that he really saw him. The warmth in his chocolate eyes was unmistakable. And Victor awkwardly stood there, letting him grind against him until Celestino came to collect his drunk student.

Yakov mumbled something, and for the sake of appearances, Victor agreed with him. A moment later, he ran from the banquet, from the press and the sponsors, and in the safety of his room, he allowed himself to break down.

“Please, no,” he begged to no one, to the gods, to whoever might be listening to him, “He deserves to live. Please, this is my burden to carry, not his. Let him enjoy this life. Let him live.”

Outside the window, in the dark sky, a flaming white trail lit up the night sky. In his sorrow, Victor didn’t realize that, finally, someone had listened to his pleas.

Xxx

Months later, fate seemed to enjoy his twisted little game, or so Victor thought when he received the link of a video of a man who was reprising his program “Stay Close to Me”. His eyes widened, observing how his legs moved through the ice, and how his eyes, the same beautiful chocolate eyes that used to look at him lovingly, told a story. The story of an incomplete soul and a broken heart.

Two days later, he booked a flight to Japan, and his new journey began.

Xxx

Being Yuuri’s coach was a challenge. With his anxiety, his sudden changes of emotions, insecurities and a wonderful talent that overflows, there were days when Victor wondered what he could do for him as a coach.

“I just want you to be Victor!” Yuuri demanded one day when Victor inquired what he wanted from him. People always liked Victor for who his appearance, not for who he truly was deep inside. And if that was what Yuuri wanted, Victor would gladly give that to him. His Yuuri didn’t remember him, but for once, Victor was content to spend his time with this reincarnation.

And, even if he wasn’t counting on it, he fell in love again, with this Yuuri, his Yuuri, and his ability to create music through his body, and the surprises that he had under his sleeve. Just like the day when he performed his free program in the Cup of China, when Victor felt that his heart was about to burst, and he did the only logical next thing: he kissed him, a weird push of lips, but a kiss nonetheless.

Then, Yuuri graced him with a ring. Maybe for Yuuri, it was just a lucky charm, something to look at and remember his coach and friend, but for Victor, it meant so much more. A ring that was full of promises, of ‘what if’s’. Victor hoped that he could spend a little bit more with this man, this Yuuri. But for now, he would cherish the time they had left.

Xxx

Katsuki Yuuri, proud GPF finalist, and silver medal winner, laid his head on Victor’s chest, tired after performing Stay Close to Me with Victor. That was their song now, their promise to meet each other in the middle, and Victor wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Victor?”

“Yes, Yuuri?”

“Can you tell me more about your life?”

“There’s nothing interesting, Yuuri. I’ve spent most of the time on an ice rink. My parents are out of the picture. Makka is my only family. What else would you like to know?”

“I meant your whole life, Victor. Could you tell me about Spain or Russia? I don’t remember much about the UK, either.”

Victor felt his blood freeze. He remembered him, but how? Harshly, he detangled his arm from Yuuri's form, and shot out of the bed, staring at Yuuri with a mix of horror and surprise. “Yuuri… You… How?”

“Does it matter, Vitya?” Yuuri got up from the bed and tried to reach out for Victor’s hand, but he roughly pulled away. “Vitya, please.”

“No, I can’t, we can’t do this, Yuuri. I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You won’t lose me, Vitya, no this time, I prom. –“

“No! Don’t say it. You deserve this life, Yuuri. And if to keep you well and alive, it means for me to stay away from you, then that must be done.”

Victor dressed quickly, ignoring the burning in his eyes and the evident hurt in Yuuri’s. He didn’t want to be the cause of his death, he wanted Yuuri to enjoy this moment. And if that meant he should sacrifice his own happiness and wander around the world in loneliness for another century, then Victor would do so.

“Victor,” Yuuri spoke, with severity in his voice, “Minako agreed to be my coach while you train for your nationals. You should talk to Yakov. I don’t think he would enjoy coaching you via Skype.”

“Tomorrow morning, Yuuri.”

Victor closed the door behind him, and a muffled sob coming from inside Yuuri's room reached his ears.

Xxx

Yuuri’s family noticed the slight shift in their relationship. No, not the rings, but the way the talked to each other. How coldly Yuuri acted around Victor and the way his coach seemed to avoid him.

No one asked, though. They would figure it out. And as Hiroko told Mari one night, if their love was strong enough, even the gods would bless them with a second chance.

Ooooo

Japan, 2016.

After they won their respective nationals, Yuuri with gold, and Victor with silver, the Russian returned to Japan to celebrate his belated birthday. Yuuko met him in the airport, Hiroko cooked his special katsudon, and Toshiya told him excitedly, what he planned to do with the onsen, now that more tourists visited their town. Minako shared her notes with Yuuri, and the Nishigori triplets showed him the videos that they recorded of Yuuri during his training.

Everyone was there, except for one person.

Victor excused himself, and went to the beach, knowing that he would find Yuuri there.

He saw Yuuri sitting on the sand, with his knees drawn up to his chest, and his arms circling his legs. His eyes were fixed on the ocean, mindless of what was going on around him. Victor sat by his side, stretching his legs.

“I remembered everything when you kissed me in China,” Yuuri said, without turning to look at him, “When you kissed me, something just clicked. I felt like my soul was complete again. I knew I missed something, but I didn’t know what it was. But then you were there, and your lips were so familiar, and… Victor, I wasn’t shocked because you kissed me in front of millions in international t.v., I was shocked because my previous lives passed in front of my eyes. I saw you during my wedding, when you console me, and then, in the UK, when you came to talk to me. I remembered your dumb excuses to come to my shop with one or two buttons missing from your jackets, and I remember the crinkle in your forehead when you were focused drawing my portrait. Hell, the worst was the last time. I was ready to go, but then you came to me and didn’t leave my side until I abandoned that body.

“Victor, you found me again, and this time, I’m not running away. I am sure that this time, the gods will allow us to be together.”

Victor swallowed down the knot on his throat, trying to find the right words. “And how are you so certain that this is not another trick?”

“I’m not certain of anything, Victor. But I have faith in you, in our love. Have a little more faith in us Victor.” Timidly, Yuuri grabbed Victor’s hand, and lifted it to his lips, kissing the golden band that Victor hadn’t taken off, not even once.

Impulsively, Victor leaned closer, kissing Yuuri, his Yuuri, softly, and sweet, and with an air of uncertainty. Yuuri smiled into the kiss, threading his fingers in Victor’s silver hair.

It felt good to be back home.

Ooooo

Bonus

Paris, 2036

The notes of their song filled the silence of their room. They waltzed at the rhythm of a duet that the came to know by heart. Their song, Stay Close to Me.

Yuuri rested his head on Victor’s chest, and Victor had an arm secured around his back, as the other held Yuuri’s right hand. Even in the darkish room, the golden bands shinned together.

They were celebrating their 20th anniversary. They got married in spring when the cherry trees blossomed. Their wedding was a small affair. Their friends, family, and fellow athletes accompanied them. When they said their vows, even Yurio shed a tear:

‘My Yuuri, I’ve been waiting for you for ages, and even today, I’m scared that you will slip through my fingers. But I trust you, and I know the gods had forgiven us for what we did. And in this day, I promise you to work hard for us, to give you the happiness that you were denied before. I promise you to love you and cherish you until the gods decide otherwise. And even then, I will continue searching for you, until we’re given another chance.’

‘My Vitya. You’ve been patient with me all this time. Even when I couldn’t see you, you were there, ready for me, waiting for me. And I can't imagine what you've been through all this time, the sadness and the heartbreak. So, today I promise you, my Vitya, that you won’t feel alone ever again. I will love you, in this life, and the next one, and if we ever had to be apart, my soul will wait for you, until you come back for me again.’

Their guests were too moved to even try to comprehend the meaning behind their promises. It was better that way.

“Vitya?”

“Yes, my Yuuri?”

“Are you still afraid?”

Even after all these years together, Victor would wake up in the morning, and his first thought was Yuuri. He would lean down and kiss his forehead. And at nights, Victor would stay awake for a little longer, just to make sure that his Yuuri was still there, with him.

But those little actions weren't out of fear. They were caused by wonder. It was hard to believe that after a century and a half, they were finally together.

And some of his fears disappeared one evening when he was looking at his reflection in the mirror and saw wrinkles on the corners of his eyes. He tackled Yuuri to the ground and didn't care that he soaking his shirt with his tears. When he calmed down, he explained Yuuri the reason of his cries. He was aging. The curse was finally broken.

They laughed and cried for the rest of the evening.

Over the past twenty years, Victor finally saw wrinkles on his forehead. His hair was thinner, and there were permanent dark circles under his eyes.

He had never felt more full of life.

“Some days,” Victor answered after a long moment. Then he took a moment to appreciate his Yuuri. His face was rounded, his black hair had greys now, and his body, softer without the figure of an athlete, but it never lost its grace. He was just as beautiful as the first time they met.

“But remember what I promised. I trust you and I have faith in us and our love.” Pleased with his answer, Yuuri nodded, trailing kisses down his cheeks and jaw and back up to his lips.

Lost in each other's arms, they ignored the dazzling light of a comet that crossed the skies, blessing them with another lifetime together.

#yoimythologyweek #yoimythweek #victuuri #victor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #yoi #my fics

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emilybscialom · 7 years ago

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The Biography of the Night

Here comes the Sun again It breaks me Slowly Gently But totally There it goes…

Easy now I’m still recovering Stars, moons, help me Speechless friends Helpless lovers Caress me with something besides indifference Oh no…it’s here again My shadows drain Through the gutter of time I love you stars Please speak to me Oh no… You’re on the day’s side and not my own I make mistakes like this Moon – you wouldn’t leave me would you Suffer the dark with me – Hope! But here it is again And I can’t see you any more Although I know at least half of you is on my side Don’t leave me should someone offer you a choice in the matter; I am peaceful, blissful, illuminating in ways days can only dream of Peace, brutality; They are never alone with me

Forgive me – I can’t stop this I make my destruction inevitable For were my nemesis strong enough to have a body Her pulse would be the incarnation of me And without us there’s nothing to miss But no reason to kiss either I’m not sure which is stranger Or worse Or best And time decides for me anyway so what does my opinion matter? Consciousness a cruelty When born to the parents of utter irrelevance And an unknown lover Lucky the lineage has been mistakenly traced, or else I’d break on a more permanent basis

Sister Light Look me in the face Do not hide from me Or run from me like this Fear, terror and shame become curiosity, desire and weakness In my moment of bravery, So hit me with the blow of recognition of who I am It’s unlike any other I’ve felt Hard Soft All that is All of it I can’t escape it Or seem to want to It’s a love in me I’m ashamed to see So beautiful I find it impossible to declare my own For no one has shown me how to be what I am not And so all will be illusion and darkness Until fact distinguishes itself, and henceforth, Truth wanders into the dusk of the in between worlds of identity Blurring masks and faces both

Each of us is suffering Each of us is waiting But only some whisper it And fewer shout And less still scream, the way they must surely want to: “STOP THIS IT’S TOO MUCH WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?”

But here it comes again, The sweet bliss of what I am not and cannot become Ah I am free to be me once I run out of air to breathe But only then

Meanwhile beautiful notes fill the air I cover and possess They sound like something I cannot understand But want to, need to But there are no points of understanding within this form of black And light is all I can see It’s such a shame I do not pretend I know this not But this is all I know It’s all I can; and also all I cannot shake from my dark dark world An understanding of her My sister My lover My mother My kin She strikes me As someone whom I can’t make a stranger Nor know well

Here it comes again… And peace fills my darkness Yes She’s as beautiful as I could be Were I not me I wonder if she knows I am her maker too? Can she see beyond this causeless wall as I can? She’s not wondrous enough perhaps; Thinks she is light alone and has no source; Is beyond God And creators Was never touched by me”

And then night looked at its mirror And the realisation was aglow in it As it recognized what it is for the first time And dawn was sweet And dusk was sweeter And all was a new word, meaning neither “night” or “day”, but something so total it made all existence cease for being nothing more than what is and always was And therefore nothing at all There were no enemies So no allies No friends So no foes No ups So no downs And the greeting was one of introduction-less familiarity between all separate-worded forms And after this eternal point No words were spoken And became a thing of a past which never was

This is what is meant by ‘God’ But we are stuck with His name until we free ourselves From the chains of ignorance we call ‘knowledge’ No one begs for their death more than God in His suffering HE does not whisper HE does not shout His is the scream which permeates all matter And pierces silence with an endless pitch Which no one knows is there, so constant is it “Don’t turn your ears on now”, they say “It’s only what IS This is of no use to us We want to caress you so skillessly” And so people lay, That unidentified note Ringing in their ears Being touched by what knows them not Or cares to, Their bodies will always be a mystery to the hands of any external force Their spiritual bodies that is, For in terms of their physical bodies Pleasure overtakes them In their desire for loss of meaning; Existence not an act of love any more But of surgery Or something equally as brutal; An operation called ‘Being’

It is so – The UN-ill Surrounded by the busily-prodding All having different phantom diseases to cure All experts at the futility, the ridiculousness, the absurdity of healing imperfection What will we do when we wake And find we are changed from health By succumbing to the need for change of any form? The tiresomeness of eternal perfection was clearly too much for us, And the drama of regaining it too appealing No. “We cannot resist what we are not” says one side of the Earth to the other As day and night circle, and dance with one another The planet dizzied by it all Stuck in an endless whirl of revolution; Around itself, around the Sun Until finally Hope kills itself Upon recognition of what it does to people Self-hatred overwhelms it And it suffers not to continue its own existence Given its new-found compassion for its originators Thankfully, it finally thinks of them More than itself at last And stops hoping for more; It draws its blade, And says Goodnight

Good Night Yes, hope is me The night eternal I killed myself That I may live free from the constraints of the body of time And that music-less dance I was having with day And now I know what I am not, which is ’dead’, I see what I am Which is forever, And never ending in ways I could not understand! When I believed I had had a beginning And could be interrupted Or broken By things other than me

I shine now, As I always have But forgot for a while When I offered to give that gift To my sister, The Day, And now she cannot thank me enough that I have taken it back And keep it with my own from her As she dances down there alone Without a leader Leading herself And I only watch from other realms, Her movements a command I cannot help but follow

It is beautiful Now I am not there anymore And have nowhere else to be But here And now And inside you And beside you And aside from you And alone with you And wishing you sweet dreams of dawn.

#poem #poems #poetry #poet #poets #poetic #writer #writers #novels #novel #novelist #londonnovel

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barbecuedphoenix · 8 years ago

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200 Followers: 11 Things About Me

So I was re-tagged a week ago by @eldarya-scenarios. (I had no idea I tagged you twice, dear. ^_^ Having two aliases is awfully sneaky.)

If you’re a little curious on who your friendly fan blogger is behind the Leiftan icon and the barrage of text-winks, feel free to read on. Watch out though: it’s a long post like everything else I write...

And if not, please continue to enjoy this blog’s smart-assery and the text-winks. ;)

1) Why did you name your blog the way you did? ...Because that’s the screen-name I use for my main Eldarya account. I’m not very creative with names. :( Not to mention that it’s probably very politically-incorrect to say ‘Barbecued Phoenix’ in the faery realm. Huang Hua would not be amused. And my blog is guaranteed to be politically-incorrect as far as folklore and faeries are concerned. ;) My screen-name is actually homage to a Neil Gaiman short-story called ‘Sunbird’, which is still one of my favorites from its double serving of dark humor and culinary catastrophes. And it sounds really funny when you say it out-loud (at least that’s my opinion).

2) What was your last meal? *checks bowl next to laptop* Eh… a fruit salad I scraped together from some Rainier cherries and leftover cantaloupe slices. It’s summer here, and I enjoy my fruits. :)

3) Jeans or skirts? …I must have at least nine different pairs of jeans in my closet, half of which I don’t even wear most days. And just one pencil skirt. Because at least once in my life, I’ll need to go to a court room. So there’s your answer. :)

4) What’s your favourite letter of the alphabet? In the English alphabet, ‘L’ is my favorite. It just rollllls off the tongue so nicely. :)

5) Favourite fandom/shipping? I’m a mercenary crack-ship writer. Anything goes so long as characters are in-character. ;) *cough* Truthfully, I haven’t shipped anything in a fandom since I was eleven or twelve, and that was waaaay back when the cartoon series Avatar the Last Airbender premiered. I think that experience has inoculated me to serious shipping. So now, while I enjoy seeing a well-developed, well-paced canon romance (because it means the creators have really thought the story through), it’s never a huge concern for me who’s paired up with whom. Romance isn’t actually the selling point for me for a lot of stories; it’s individual character development and plot direction that counts. And anyway… fan shipping is really a fabrication. With a bit of imagination, effort, and tactical writing, functional relationships can be spun between anything and anyone, and unraveled in the same way. Even when keeping all parties in character. So why blow a gasket over shipping? To each their own dirty little fancies. ;)

As for my fandoms… they’re a patchwork quilt of games, books, movies, TV shows, anime from a lot of different sources, and it changes every year. For the sake of time, I’ll give a rundown of just the fantasy/supernatural genres I’ve been following for a while (translating some of the titles to English when possible):

Games: the Dragon Age series, Folklore (also called FolksSoul), Uncharted, the Persona series

Books: Discworld, His Dark Materials, the Dr. Siri Paiboun series, the Temeraire series, The Tiger’s Wife, Brisingamen, pretty much anything done by Neil Gaiman… the list goes on. With a few rare exceptions, I’ve shifted from being a high fantasy lover (those tropes get old after a while) to an acolyte of more low-key genres like magical-realism, fantasy-historical-fiction, and satirical-fantasy.

TV Shows: Supernatural

Anime & Cartoons: the Fate series (even though my fanfiction ends up making fun of it 95% of the time, it’s still a really intricate universe), the Avatar series

Movies: Practically anything done by Studio Ghibli and Tomm Moore, ‘Coraline’, ‘Corpse Bride’, ‘Therapy for a Vampire’, ‘Let the Right One In’, ‘Groundhog Day’, the very first installation of ‘The Hobbit’

6) What’s your favourite sport? (You don’t necessarily have to play it) Favorite sport I can’t do, but love to watch: Surfing. Forget berserk football matches; give me a crazy Australian riding a tunnel wave any day. :D Favorite sport I can do: Bicycling. I’m no Tour de France candidate, but my bike regularly takes its share of unreasonable hills and descents in the city where I live. Personally, It’s a great way to get around. ^_^

7) What’s your idea of a perfect day? Getting everything on my list done with minimal coffee and hair-pulling. -_- Sorry… I’m still listening to the robot half of my brain. Switching over. Start the day by making a difference and sharing a good time with both the students I see where I work, and the odd friends and colleagues I do have. Attend a really good lecture. Then take a quiet bus ride to the beach or an aquarium, where I can watch all the wildlife shenanigans I want. Tourists included. Cook something awesome for lunch or dinner, and eat it to discover that it’s still more awesome. End the day with a good book, an avalanche of blankets, and a conveniently-rainy night. And maybe a quick Skype/phone call with my dad. ;( Oh there I go, listening to the sappy half of my brain. Switching over.

8) What animal do you hate with all your soul? The logical part of my brain tells me I have no cause to loathe any animal for existing. But the cave-woman part of my brain still gets creeped out by a few of them…. Geckos especially. Because the house where I grew up was infested with them (like a typical equatorial house, actually). The geckos could be found on absolutely any flat surface, even the underside of the table and on the ceiling, so we always had to check right before sitting down that something cold, bug-eyed, and squirmy wasn’t going to drop on us in the middle of dinner. And they also liked to appear in other surprising places: like in your shoes (as my father found out one day while rushing to work), inside drawers, inside trash cans, crushed between door hinges, trapped in the kitchen sink, and inside the refrigerator a couple of times (worst idea ever, for a lizard). One of the best things that happened to me on moving to this corner of the United States: no geckos anywhere. I can clean my apartment with an easy heart. \o/

9) Can you dance? Besides some lingering muscle memory from my early days doing classical ballet... no. :( I’d really like to take up Spanish Flamenco though. Generally, I do better with choreographed dances rather than impromptu club-dancing. As all my friends have told me. I’ve given them so many priceless memories on the dance-floor…

10) What’s the name and age of your favourite character? (OC or otherwise) I can’t decide on a ‘favorite’ character in media; there’s too many of them. So how about a favorite OC instead? ^_^ Right now among the Eldarya OC cast, my favorite would have to be Zephania ‘Zee’ Tantiango because she’s a magnet for trouble as a protagonist very dynamic heroine to work with. (She’s 23, in case you’re interested.) Zee is actually the latest incarnation of the ‘funny-but-unlucky action heroine’ archetype I’ve spent years working on, and I’m happy with how she’s turning out so far. On one hand, she’s the typical small-town heroine who’s sharp, plucky, energetic, and more than a little kooky herself; the story never stops moving once she starts improvising in a tight situation. :) But there’s a strong undercurrent of tragedy in the way she continues to isolate herself through her pride and her decisions, especially because she’s allergic to either admitting that she’s in real trouble, or cutting herself some slack for her mistakes. There’s a lot of sadness behind that finger-snap smile. I’m still debating on whether to give her a good ending, or a bitter one. :( No, that was not a spoiler for the fan-fiction that’ll one day hit this blog.

11) What got you into your favourite activity?(i.e how did you start?) Favorite activity? Like… a hobby? Well the longest-running hobby I’ve ever had is writing (no guesses there). And it was more-or-less self-taught. As a kid, nobody could take me anywhere without a book in my hand, or some other adventure happening inside my own head (which made it awfully inconvenient to get my attention in a mall… but hey, I never wandered off). And writing short stories was always the most entertaining school assignment for me. But it wasn’t until I started home-schooling at thirteen that I found the time and need to write something for myself, putting to paper those increasingly-complex sagas and fan-fictions that lived in my head (because my short-term recall just couldn’t keep track of all the dialogue and plot twists anymore; I needed to start recording my stories to make sense of them.) And I haven’t stopped since. :)

Uh-oh. Here come… my questions. For @mentacomchocolate, @areyntheheartseeker, and @the-irish-hoor.

Why did you name your blogs the way you did? ;)

What would your honest personal reaction be if you accidentally stepped into a fairy ring, landed in a strange place, and got threatened by a fox-lady wielding fireballs?

What’s your dream job in this life?

Is there anyone you have a crush on that you’re still really embarrassed to admit? Would you like to mention them anyway? ;)

If there’s only one book genre you could spend the rest of your life reading, what will it be?

What are the top 5 things you geek out over? (Today, at least. ;) )

If you’ve been given a 24-hour advance warning that the world is definitely going to end (i.e. via Death Star), what will you do?

And if you’ve been given an exclusive two-person escape pod during above scenario, what/who would you bring with you to escape the planet? Would you want to?

If your friends can agree on one thing about you, what would it be? Do you agree with them?

What’s the most embarrassing thing that happened to you this past week?

What do you remember as your most incredible feat of endurance to date? Physical, mental, and/or social?

*looks up* ...All right, those are some weird questions. I won’t blame you at all if you ignore them.

#Q&A #tag post #blog milestone #200 followers #OC: Zephania

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