#oh halloween store sounds fun i love money time to work myself to the point of having partial seizures

[autisticstarseed]

the past few days have literaly made me feel like the super mario headsmash video i just want to sleep but at the same time [ytp ‘WHAT THE FU-BOOM’ sound effect as i blow up my bed]

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #353

“well i’m a creep  /  i’m a weirdo  /  what the hell am i doing here?  /  i don’t belong here”

If you won an all-expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world for a one week vacation, where would you choose to go? For just one week, um... maybe South Africa, actually. Two weeks would probably be more ideal, but I've learned via my friend who worked with the KMP for a year that it's very isolating and you're very disconnected from society (also from the Internet, haha), but regardless, I REALLY wanna see the meerkats. Especially with the heat and all, one week might actually be all right. How often do you get notifications on your favorite social media site? That would be Facebook, and it really depends on how much I share that day. Sometimes I barely touch it, and sometimes I share a billion things and get a few notifications of people reacting. What’s something you’re actively trying to forget/care less about, if anything? Hi, have I told you about my breakup? What was the last encounter you had with a bug? Ugh, the fucking house is having an ant problem. Apparently, it's happened before here this time of year, so a couple times a days I find one on my arm or something and crush it. What is something considered “childish” that you still like or enjoy doing? I'm certain some people would consider RP childish, given it's essentially "make believe," and that's one reason I don't tell people about it. Name a song that you have a strong emotional connection to. Why is that song so important to you? The #1 song would be "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin. I've told why before and don't feel like doing it again. Is cannabis legal where you live? Nope, but it should be. How often do you walk your dog, if you have one? I don't have a dog. What is something you'd feel confident enough to give a presentation on? Me? Comfortable giving a presentation? Bitch please. Which CoVid vaccine did you receive, if any? I got Moderna. I wanted Pfizer, but supposedly they're the same thing, just different manufacterors. How do you feel you've made a difference in the world? I don't feel I have. But it's my goal in life to die feeling like I did. Do you eat any candies in a specific order? (ie: M&M's) I fucking read this as "candles" and was really confused. But anyway, yes, but not M&Ms; I only do that with candies that actually have unique tastes depending on color, like Skittles. What is one common childhood illness that you managed not to catch? I never got chickenpox. Is there an heirloom that has been passed down generations of your family? Probably, but I don't know about it. What is the most unique pet that you ever owned, or would like to? Hm. I'd say maybe a Chinese water dragon? People tend to not know what they are; they mistake them for iguanas all the time. Have you ever been in a bad car accident before? A bad one, no, but I've been in one, nevertheless. At the description of what happened though, the cop said we were extremely lucky we weren't flipped over. My mom's driving skill saved us. What is your favorite type of weather to experience? Snow! I like a steady pace of large flakes. Do you know your social security by heart? I don't, actually, but I did at one point. Now, I only know the last four digits. Would you move out your house if you could right now? Yes, even if we just moved here. Mom and I really, really don't like living in the suburbs. We miss being in the middle of nowhere. When is the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? Not since I last visited Sara's. Do you like being called baby? Not really. Like if it's from an s/o, it's all right, it's just really not my favorite. Have you ever slept in the same bed of the opposite sex? Yeah. When shopping at a grocery store, do you return the cart? I openly judge the fuck out of you if you don't. Do you think you would survive in the wilderness if you were abandoned there? I know I couldn't. Not in my shape. If you had a child at the age you’re at now, do you think you’d be a good parent? God, no. Do you eat your Oreos with milk? Yes. I strongly prefer them that way. Do you think French kissing is gross? I mean in concept I think it indisputably is, like even if you brush your tongue, it's still just... gross. But that doesn't mean I'm against it at all or won't do it when I love somebody. It's an "I accept you and your germs" thing, haha. Are you wearing make-up? What brand(s)? No. I pretty much never wear makeup anymore, even to take pictures. The last male you spoke to…is he attractive? That would be my psychiatrist, and I'm not attracted to him, no. He's like another dad to me. Have you ever had mice in your house? Back when we lived in the woods, we would have a minor mouse problem in the winter sometimes. I fucking hated it because my parents used the inhumane traps, save for one. I guess it was an affordability thing, idk. One or two got caught in that one, and I would let them go outside. Do you enjoy working with animals? It depends on what I'm doing. If I'm cleaning up after an animal, NO, because I seriously struggle with stomaching it. I canNOT touch vomit or feces, so that kinda eliminates a lot of options. Because of how physically weak I am along with hyperhidrosis, I also can't really exert myself much, so there ya go, more reasons I can't. I wish I could. Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? Plenty of hurricanes. If you're in a competition, are you in it to win it or just for the fun? The fun, experience, and growth. What's your favorite show on Comedy Central? I don't watch it. Which love story would you want your life to turn out like? I don't know, really. Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you're living with? Before, at least usually. Are you into ripped jeans? Yes, though I don't wear jeans anymore. Have you ever been to any Disney parks? Yeah, Disney World in Florida. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? "Cradle of Filth" sounds pretty damn badass and unholy, I dig it. Do kids often knock on your door on Halloween? This will be our first year in this house during Halloween, so I really don't know if any will? I mean we live in a suitable neighborhood, so idk. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Sara. Do you share the same political views as your parents? Dad, no. Mom, some. Have you ever done any internship? No. What's the last thing you got paid to do? Take pictures for someone. What's something your mother always says? "Drive like everyone else is stupid." It works though, haha. Always expect that someone you see might do something moronic and be prepared. For example, she is very adamant about us looking both ways when a light changes to green versus going immediately, and it's literally saved Mom's and my sister's lives. What's something your dad always says? To reach out to him if we ever need help with anything, and he'll do everything in his power to be there. What's your favorite thing to wear? Loose tank tops with loose-ish pj pants. What's your favorite day of the week? Nowadays, it's Fridays. Snake Discovery and The Dark Den both upload that day, haha. Do you have a favorite coloring book artist? Lisa Frank is the Wholesome Lead Bitch. Have you ever wanted to model? No. Have you ever seen someone have a seizure? Yeah, my sister. What's your favorite car? I am not NEARLY educated enough on cars to answer this. Why did you cry the last time you did? I'm seriously grieving Virginia. Her death has stricken me harder than any other I've experienced, even my own grandmother's. Who was the last person to piss you off? Probably someone on Facebook, but idr. Do you like winter? I love winter. Do you have a favorite flower? Yeah; I really like orchids. Dahlias are also gorgeous, and roses... Would you get a shamrock tattooed to your forehead for $5000? No. As great as that money sounds, tattoos are (relatively) permanent, and that would look pretty stupid imo. Are you very flexible? Not anymore. Who was the last person to tell you you looked nice? Probably Mom. Do you have the right time set on your microwave? Yeah. Do you have any old newspaper articles? Why? No. Do you have a flat screen tv or just a regular box? Flat screen. Do you like Tootsie Rolls? Ugh, no. Do you like Slim Jim’s? Oh fuuuuuuck yeah man. What color is your mousepad? Black. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? I used to, but now I just leave 'em be. Would you date someone that had a different religion from you? It would depend on the religion and the intensity. I could NOT date someone exceptionally religious. A common question: What are you listening to? Caleb Hyles and Halocene's cover of Radiohead's "Creep." Would you ever get a nature tattoo? Well, I want at least a meerkat tattoo, so. I'll probably get a snake somewhere, too. Where do your siblings work, if anywhere? My older sister is a mammographer, and my little sister is a children's social worker. Saving lives, then there's me lmao. Who do you generally talk to the most? Mom and Sara. Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender? Yeah, multiple times. Do you enjoy painting? Not really, no. I stress out about messing up. When, where, and why did a needle last pierce your skin? Around a week ago, left shoulder, to get my first Covid vaccine. Is there a person you talk to everyday with? Well, considering I live with my mother... I usually talk to Sara too, but a day sometimes passes where we don't. Does one of your parents ever complain to you about the other parent? Mom does that all the time about Dad. It's no shocker they're divorced. Dad's long since moved on and doesn't talk shit about her. Who was the last person you wished a “Happy Birthday” to? I actually don't remember... Someone on Facebook, I'm sure. Does your best friend have a job? Not right now, she's dealing with some wild health issues where it's much safer that she doesn't. When you move out your house (or if you already have moved out) do you plan on still visiting your parents' house? Well of course. I especially plan on visiting my mother at least once a week, either going to her place for dinner or her coming over to mine for the same. We're way too close for me to not see her. I'll still visit Dad, too. Do you usually take home leftovers if you eat out in a restaurant? It depends on what I had and if I know I'll eat it warmed up. What’s your favorite thing to have for breakfast? Cinnamon rolls. Why did you break your last promise? I barely EVER break promises, but this one I actually forgot I even made. ;_;

[suckitsurveys]

Ready to answer 151 Questions? No.

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Last week. I am extremely grateful to have access to a pool this summer. It’s at my sister’s mother in law’s. She lets my sister and her daughters use it while she’s at work and I tag along too.  2. Do you like to party? I love throwing parties. Not like, huge drunk ragers, but bday parties are my specialty.  3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I’ve been social distancing myself from them for almost 10 years, so. 4. Are you a virgin? Nope. 5. What are your parents views on your relationships? My dad likes Mark.

6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years, would you marry them? I am married to my crush.  7. Is your best friend dating anyone? One is. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s an olive green shirt with the Route 66 logo on it. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? I really don’t care. 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? I do that 99.99% of the time. 11. What is one feature that you don’t like? On myself? My stomach. 12. Would people describe you as happy? Not currently.  13. Are you single? Nope. 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? Nah. 15. Do you have Tumblr? I really only use it for this, which I also haven’t done in a while either.

16. What about Xanga? Aww, RIP Xanga. 17. Have you ever babysat before? Yes. 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? Most of my college professors.  19. Ever shopped at Sephora? I think I’ve been in one before? 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away, what would you do? I mean, I’d be pretty shocked and hurt. 21. Do you have any university plans? Lol. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? Support her?  23. What are your views on sex? Be safe! Always get consent! 24. Do sexual questions bother you? No. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? Uh, what? 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? Yeah. 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Yeah, I don’t see too much of it anymore. 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? Yes. 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? I did that once oops. 30. What’s the last book you read? I’m still working on a couple. 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? Sure. 32. What is your last name? No. 33. What grade are you in? No. 34. What school do you go to? No. 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? Summer and early fall.  36. Favorite Color? Purples and blues. 37. Are your parents together? My father is widowed.  38. Any siblings? I have an older sister. 39. Favorite subject? Eh.

40. Least favorite subject? Eh. 41. Favorite song? I could never just choose one. 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? I don’t care. 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 200 something. 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? Probably. 45. Have you ever googled yourself? Yeah. 46. Have a Formspring? No. 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Take them and sell them :P 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? Waterpark. Ughhhhhhhhh I miss waterparks so much. It’s so weird to not be going this summer. 49. Been to Disney world? Nope. 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? Sounds like one of those things where people post a random status from a list of things that will likely get people’s attention and whoever comments on it is privately sent said list of thing and they then choose something to post as their status and so on. That was a popular game thing on Facebook years ago. <---Yeah, that. 51. Ever had a boyfriend? Yes.

52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? I doubt Will Arnett knows I’m in love with him. 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? No. 54. Ever drank alcohol? Yes. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? Yeah. 56. Ever watched The Hills? No. 57. What about Jersey Shore? Yes. 58. Ever called someone a slut? I’ve said that jokingly to friends. 59. What do you think of short shorts? You do you. 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? Nope. 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? Yes. 62. What about a B? Yes. 63. And a C? Yes. 64. How about a D? Yeah. 65. Ever skived? What’s that? 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? I’d say somewhere in the middle. I had friends, but I wasn’t “popular” by any means. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? Most are older.  68. Ever been stabbed in the back by a close friend? Yes. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? Oops. 70. Ever watched porn? Yes. 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? I drove with out a seat belt (for a few blocks) and jay walked oops.  72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? On work days, yes. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? Wednesdays.  74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? No. 75. Ever performed in a talent show? No. 76. Have you ever cried in public? Yeah. 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? I’ve always had a special bond with my dad. I love my mom, but we butt heads a lot when I was a teenager. I feel like our bond was getting stronger just before she died and I’m really sad we don’t get to know each other as we got older.  78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nooo. I have zero talent. 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? A lot. 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. Will Arnett, Paul Rudd, John Mulaney, Andy Samberg, Ezra Koenig 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. Aubrey Plaza, Alison Brie, Lana Del Rey, Alia Shawkat, Kat Dennings 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Ha, no. 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? No. 85. Do you think spending £20 on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? Idk what that is in US dollars but I don’t usually buy lip gloss, so. 86. Are you opinionated? I can be. 87. Do you have a favorite store? Sure. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? I used to in grade school. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? I have one pair of “boyfriend” jeans that I don’t really like.  90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? Hello, pandemic? 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? I don’t know. 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? Yeah. 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? I don’t care? 94. Own a pair of converse? Yes. 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? There was. 96. If yes, are you one of them? Never. 97. Do you text in class? I have. 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? Target. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Fuck that shit. “Plus” implies that there is a standard size. 100. Do you want to lose weight? I’d like to be healthier.  101. Ever seen a therapist? No, but I should. 102. Ever watched porn? You asked me this.  103. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yes. 104. A facebook message? Yes. 105. A poke? I always ignored those. That was a dumb feature Facebook had. 106. A friend request? Yeah. I don’t accept a request from anyone I don’t know, but I have it set up where you can’t add me unless you are friends with someone I am friends with.  107. Would you say you read into things too much? Yepppp. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? I don’t know. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) Eh. 110. Ever been called a bully? No. 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? Yes. 112. Ever gone to church? I went to a Lutheran high school and we used to have “chapel” every first full school day of the week (usually mondays). That was kind of a church service. And one time I spent the night at a friends house on a Saturday and was blindsided the next morning when her parents were like “okay time for church!” 113. Would you call either of your parents screw ups? Absolutely not! 114. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? Yes and no. 115. What do you want to do with your life? Lol.

116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? My roots right now are basically a really dirty blonde. And my tips were black but they are pretty brown right now. And hair inbetween is mint green lol. Pandemic hair ftw. 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? I’ll probably be Princess Carolyn again. Or just a bat, since I have both of those costumes.  118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? With my nieces, but we probably won’t be able to go this year :(  119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? Celebrities. 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? Yes. 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? I have. 122. Ever had a credit card denied? Yeah. 123. What’s the last movie you watched? Oh god, it’s been a while. I Love You Man, I think? 124. Last TV Show? Property Brothers, lol.  125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? They wouldn’t.  126. Ever been called a whore? Jokingly. 127. Are you american? Yes. 128. Ever made yourself throw up? Yeah. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend? Uh huh. 130. Are you Cute or Gross? Yes. 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!”? No one has said that to me in a very long time. I don’t recall being bothered by it, though. 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? Um, yes? Why couldn’t I? 133. Ever had the lead in a play? Not the lead, no. 134. What about a solo in a concert? Nope. 135. What kind of a student are you? I did okay in grade and high school. 136. Worst subject? All of college. 137. Best subject? Not college. 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? Yeah. 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Seeing as she’s dead, yeah, a little. 140. How late do you sleep in? On work days I sleep until the absolutely last minute, right before we are supposed to check in for a daily meeting at 7:10am, lol. And on weekends or days off I normally don’t sleep past 10.   141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? A little. I brighten up my face and smooth it out. Sue me.  142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? All my friends are beautiful in their own ways.  143. Do you believe in love? Yes.  144. Would you consider yourself a good student? Didn’t you ask this? 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” It just seems kinda pointless cause they likely won’t see it. 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? Yes.  147. Are you going into High School this year? Nooooo. Thank goodness. I did my time and graduated over 10 years ago. 148. What about Junior High? Omg, no. I’m old. 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? Ugh, anything.  150. Where did you find this note? @lovemesomesurveys 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? None. 

[schrodingers-rufus]

So. Marble Hornets Haunted House AUs. 

Historically, I tend to inflict Haunted House AUs on every fandom I find myself in. (And I’m not talking literal haunted houses here; I’m talking about those places that pop up around Halloween or year-round, where you walk through spooky sets and actors jump out at you. Sometimes there are free-roaming actors in scarezone-type things.) I just...love haunted houses/haunts. Very much. And therefore it becomes fun to think about how a cast of known characters might behave in one of them.

Harbly Marblies, however, is a little tougher, because here we’ve got a cast of characters who are living in a modern-day world where haunts would exist...but who are also deeply traumatized by supernatural spookythings, probably to the point where there is no chance in hell you’d ever get them through the front doors of a haunt. 

So we’ve got some options here. Here are a couple of them.

(Cut because holy cow this post got longer than I expected.) 

Option #1: Everything Is Fine AU. Nobody’s been affected by the Operator, but for the sake of recognizable characterization, everybody’s still got some existing issues. Let’s say this is the October after the movie shoot, so now the gang all knows each other. 

Going to the haunt was Alex’s idea, because of course it was. Brian may be the Alpha Extrovert of the gang, but Alex is the Idea Guy. Alex comes up with stuff to do, and Brian’s the one who actually ropes most of the gang into doing it. 

Alex: “It’s Halloween. This is what people do on Halloween. If you’re too old to go trick-or-treating, you get drunk or you get scared.”

Brian: “Or both.” 

Alex: “Definitely both.”  

Jay tags along because he guesses Alex is a friend, and friends hang out, right? That’s what they do? Also he’s been curious about this place for years, but it’s not like people go to haunts by themselves. And they definitely don’t bring cameras. That would be weird. (He definitely was planning to go by himself the previous year and upload footage from it in case the internet might take interest, but he got struck down by midterms and a nasty cold and had to miss it.)

Tim’s not sure if he can handle it, but Brian’s going, and maybe if he makes himself small enough the scareactors won’t notice him. Also, a part of him cynically points out, he’s probably seen worse. 

Jessica’s going because Amy’s going because Alex’s going. Amy might or might not be hoping Jessica latches onto Brian in fear. Or Brian’s cute friend Tim, but she doesn’t really know if Tim’s on the market. Maybe Jay? She barely knows Jay, but she’s not sure if she wants to inflict him on her poor sweet roommate. They’d probably just stare awkwardly at each other for hours, and cute as that is, it’s lacking in passion. Also she heard a rumor that Jay has secret cameras set up in his apartment, so not the place for romance. 

Seth and Sarah tag along because they don’t have anything else going on that night, and they get discount tickets through the university. Also Sarah and Brian have a running bet that Seth’s going to try to use her as a human shield when something scary jumps out. 

Everybody piles into the disaster of a minivan Brian inherited from his parents. (Everyone except Sarah and Seth, that is, because they want an easy out in case the place sucks.)

The structure of this place: Five “mazes”, a couple of “scarezones”, and a few food trucks/pop-up food vendors. The whole thing’s held in a pair of old warehouses, and it makes the property-owners enough money that they keep the warehouses empty in the off-season. It’s like the Spirit Store of haunts.  

Alex is insistent: They’re doing all five mazes, crowds be damned. 

The Line of Suffering--i.e. the order they follow when going through the first couple mazes--is structured thus: Alex out front, with Amy behind him. Jessica’s holding onto the back of Amy, and Jay’s behind her (trying very carefully not to lay hands on her). Brian’s behind Jay, with Tim next to him, gripping his arm like a vice. Seth and Sarah bring up the rear. (Seth is indeed using Sarah as a human shield, but since they’re at the back of the line, this means she’s behind him, defending from any surprise threats from behind. She thinks he’s an idiot, but she’s endeared.) 

Alex tries Very Hard not to jump when scareactors target him. And oh do they target him. They know an easy mark showing off for his girlfriend when they see one, and he’s painting a target on his forehead by leading the group. 

Jay knows there’s a method to the madness. He’s seen enough horror movies (and watched enough haunt walkthrough videos online in preparation) to recognize the old tricks--hallways lined with doors, windows that can snap open, a room full of dummies mixed in with actors--and he is ready. His head’s on a swivel, camera roving over every inch of the walls. They won’t get him. They won’t. He has to keep the camera steady or the footage won’t come out right. He wonders if he’ll have to go through each maze twice, once with night vision and once without, like the other walkthrough channels do.    

Tim knew this was a bad idea. He’s praying that he hasn’t actually bruised Brian’s arm, but he knows he’s probably left a mark. Seeing things twitching at the edges of your vision is one thing, but having a real, solid person in a rubber mask jumping out at you activates a whole different set of instincts. Tim nearly socked the first guy in the face, and since then, his grip on Brian’s arm is half to steady him and half to keep himself from reeling back and doing it again. 

Amy thinks this is the best time she’s had in months. Jessica’s in a constant state of “AMY WHY”. Alex is Amy’s meatshield, while Amy’s Jessica’s meatshield. It works out.

Brian doesn’t want to let on how much this place unsettles him, but it’s really starting to wear on him. After the second maze, Tim asks if he wants to duck out and get a hot dog or something, and Brian happily agrees. 

After Maze #3, Alex insists that “we should all stop for a snack” (because  he’s getting burned out, but he sure as hell doesn’t want to say that). The gang sees Brian and Tim finishing off a truly ridiculously large order of chili cheese fries. Alex didn’t even notice they were missing. 

Jay is exhausted from being so wound up and too wound up to calm down. He wonders if the scareactors are allowed to mess with people at the picnic tables. He wonders if he’ll die if he drinks a can of Coke with his burger. He buys it anyway. He leaves the camera running. Tim sees his hands shaking and gives him a look. Jay doesn’t think anyone who ducked out after two mazes is qualified to be giving him a look. 

Seth and Sarah leave early. Seth says he has a project he has to get started on. Sarah wants to point out that it’s the middle of fall break and that he literally told her this morning that he didn’t have any homework over the break, but she doesn’t need to. Even Jay seems to have noticed how flimsy his excuse is. Sarah’s pretty wiped anyway, so she basically says, “So long, suckers,” and leaves the rest of them to suffer without their Rear Guard. 

Tim and Brian rejoin the gang for Maze #4, now emotionally recharged and full of chili cheese fries. 

Alex is very, very tired of being out front, but there are only two more and he just needs to power through it. (Also, he doesn’t feel like it’s right to force anybody else to take the lead, and nobody’s asked, so he’ll just suck it up and keep going. Somebody has to be out front, and it might as well be him.)

This house has a trick where a hatch slides open at about knee-level, and a scareactor reaches out for your legs--not close enough to touch, but close enough to make you notice. Jay doesn’t see it coming. He makes a truly embarrassing noise, a noise that will forever be immortalized on film. (No, he’ll edit it out in post.) At this point, Jay is well and truly shaken. He thinks he sees spots flashing in front of his eyes, but it’s too dark to really tell. It’s probably from the strobes from earlier. Maybe he’s breathed too much fog machine fog. (Is it true that stuff can burn holes in your lungs?) Jay’s fine. Really, he’s fine.

The gang shares a look of weary resignation before getting in line for Maze #5.

The last maze is alien-themed, something about invaders from another dimension. It’s new this year, and it shows. The animatronics are smoother, the sound design is great, and the makeup is--

One of the monsters has no face, just pale latex skin stretched taut.

Brian’s not sure why Tim just hid his face against his back, but he’s not going to make him move. Sure, he’ll miss the neat sets--Brian’s especially partial to the rusted-out feel of the old spaceship; it reminds him of Alien--but Brian’ll tell him about them later. Brian inches forward, and Tim follows, gripping the back of Brian’s sweatshirt for dear life. Brian wonders if they’ll have enough time to get another snack before they leave; chili cheese fries may not fix anything, but they seemed to help before. 

The maze culminates in a brief scripted battle, as a pair of actors wearing scuffed-up space suits fire on the aliens while strobe lights fire off from a truss above the set.

Jay thinks something feels off. 

Jay wakes up outside the maze, splayed out across the grass and surrounded by paramedics. No, he doesn’t have a history of epilepsy. No, it’s probably just anxiety, really, we don’t need to go to the hospital.

Jay wakes up in the hospital. 

A few hours later, he’s finally released. (Brian stays in the waiting room while Alex and the rest of the gang drops Tim off at his apartment to get his car. Yeah, I’m good to drive. Just a bit shaken, that’s all. No, really, you stay here, and I’ll go. I hate waiting rooms.) 

Jay comes out with a doctor’s warning and a six-month driving ban. (Tim snickers into his hand when Jay tells him.)

Jay laments the fact that his footage for the last maze is unusable and asks if they can go again. Tim somehow manages to give him a look while still keeping his eyes on the road. Jay’s as impressed as he is offended. 

Option #2: The Gang Runs the Haunt AU. Alex’s family runs a haunt and they’re short on help, so Alex ropes the gang into helping him. 

The Kralie haunt is pretty small-scale, as haunts go, but it’s been in the family for generations. (Well, Alex’s dad and grandfather started it in the early 80s, so Alex thinks that counts as “generations”.)

Growing up around all this stuff helps mold a young mind sometimes, and while Alex is still pretentious as all get-out, he wants to make horror movies. He wants to elevate the genre. 

Alex suggested to his grandfather that they try one of those “intense”, full-contact haunts one year. His grandfather looked him straight in the eyes and told him that was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, but if he wanted to be an idiot, he could make his own haunt. 

(Alex did not have the resources to make his own haunt. He’s still biding his time. Waiting.) 

Jay tagged along with Alex’s family to an out-of-state haunt convention that spring, and he helped them pick out some spotlights and a new projector effect. 

This may have been what planted the seed in Alex’s head for an idea that August: friends = free labor, right? 

Jay agrees to help build sets and set up lighting on the condition that he’d be able to shoot some footage for his midterm project on-set. (The thing’s not due until mid-October, so the sets’ll be done with enough time to film and edit, right?) 

Brian agrees to do the same on the condition that he’d be able to play a monster on the weekends. (From Alex’s perspective, that was a no-brainer; double the free labor!) 

 Tim agrees because he knows Alex is garbage at sound design, and he’d like to do something that’s actually helpful for once.

Amy’s been looking into being an SFX makeup artist (maybe as a full-time job, maybe on the side; competition is steep) so she wants all the practice she can get. 

Amy tries to convince Jessica that monster makeup’s “just like regular makeup, really! It’s easy! Come on, I can’t do all the actors myself!”

Monster makeup is not just like regular makeup. Jessica feels a lot more comfortable painting sets, but she doesn’t want to throw Amy under the bus, so she also does a little bit of the makeup, too. She thinks her monster stuff looks awful, and from the look on Amy’s face, she knows she agrees. At least the haunt is dark. 

 Alex picks up a pair of stilts at a nearby Goodwill and begs Amy to design a monster for them. 

Various ideas are brought up and shot down, including The Obvious. Tim vocally objects to The Obvious, for Obvious reasons. Alex concedes.

The haunt that year is themed after a haunted crypt (just like it was the past five years), so they wind up with Alex dressed as an eight-foot reaper in a cloak. (The cloak is to cover up the stilts.) Alex thinks it’s corny. (He secretly likes lurking around and looming into the edges of people’s field of vision. It’s satisfying. He Likes To Be Tall.)

Alex initially plans to make Brian a forgettable background skeleton, but then his mother has the idea to make Brian into a skeletal “barker” character who stands out front and improvises banter with the guests. Brian’s been taking some improv classes since that summer, and the improvements are noticeable. (Alex entirely blames the classes. No way was his lousy script to blame for Brian’s lackluster performance that summer. Alex is a genius. Brian’s just a psych major.)

Alex calls Brian “The Cryptkeeper” once. Only once. 

Brian knows too many puns. 

(Ten years later, Jay thanks every deity he can name that Undertale didn’t exist during the fall of 2006.)

The sets come together in time (barely). 

Jay shoots what he needs for his project in time (not really, but what’s a few all-nighters among friends). 

After an extended battle with a speaker rig that looks like it hasn’t been updated in fifteen years, the ambient sound design comes together in time (barely).

Jessica looks up lots of makeup tutorials.

The First Weekend of October Is Coming. 

Actors: hired

Rehearsals: done

Costumes: done

Lighting and sound: checked and re-checked

Sets: safety regulation compliant

Everyone: smells like liquid latex and fake fog

The First Night Arrives. 

Alex has a fever of 103. His parents say that, between school and the haunt, he must’ve overexerted himself. 

Alex has seen Tim coughing the past week or so. Alex knows Tim is Patient Zero. Tim should’ve dropped out the second he started coming down with something; now he might’ve spread it to the whole crew.

Alex calls Tim up and curses him out through a sore throat. Tim can barely understand what he’s saying. Tim eventually hangs up. 

It’s an hour until doors open, and somebody needs to wear the reaper outfit. 

Brian’s already in costume as the barker, Amy and Jessica are busy, and everyone knows the last thing Alex will want to hear is that Tim took his part. 

So that leaves Jay.

Jay has never worn stilts before. 

Jay has never scared people before. 

(Not on purpose, at least.)

Jay tries his best. 

Mercifully, he doesn’t fall over, but he does get close a few times. He has to grip the foam-painted-to-look-like-stone wall for support for most of the night. The cloak would look baggy on anyone, but Jay’s swimming in it.

He still gets a few good scares in. (He sees why Alex likes it. It’s a power thing, he thinks.)   

The next few weekends, once Alex is back on his feet, Jay shoots promotional footage of the guests going through the haunt. Jay prefers this job; he gets to dress in stagehand-black and lurk around the sets trying not to be noticed.

He gets some of his best footage out front, watching Brian. The guy really is a natural at this. 

Tim stays backstage every weekend, monitoring lights and sound. Jay gets a little footage of him, too, to his mild annoyance.

Jay tapes interviews with Jessica and Amy one Saturday before the doors open. Amy turns the whole thing into a tutorial, seemingly out of pity after Jay stumbles through a couple of awkwardly worded interview questions.

When Alex’s family realize he didn’t set aside any money in the budget to pay his friends, they swiftly correct the error. The gang doesn’t make much, still, but it’s a nice surprise.

October ends. The sets are dismantled. The costumes are put away. 

Brian tells Alex that if he ever needs more help next year, he’ll try to be around. 

Brian’s off to medical school at the end of spring semester, but he's going to try to get into a program in the area. Alex rolls his eyes and tells him that maybe they’ll be able to come up with a mad doctor for him to play.

“Mad psychiatrist.” Brian wiggles his eyebrows.

“Isn’t that an oxymoron?” 

“Not as often than you’d think.”

Jay cuts his footage into a trailer for the website. Alex’s family is thrilled. Jay asks if can bring his camera to the haunt convention next year, and the answer is a resounding “absolutely”. 

Jay might have found His Element. 

It gets worse when he discovers that unsolved crime forums are a thing.

Then Jay’s either traveling around taping haunt walkthroughs or trespassing on private property looking for evidence. 

Alex thinks Jay would make a great character in one of his movies.

The gang keeps coming back year after year, especially Jay and Tim. Brian has to miss a few years because of school. Jessica ends up at a grad school out of state but comes back as a guest a few times. For Tim and Jay, though, it’s decent seasonal work.  

Alex is still trying to elevate the genre. Tim and Jay have a running bet on how long it’ll take for one of Alex’s movies to get wide enough distribution to win a Razzie. 

Everything Is Actually Fine