#oh god is this not normal. is that why im depressed. how do i fix this. how do YOU live

[j-esbian]

bit annoying when i try to ask for advice on, or talk about how i’m trying to be a little less color-in-the-lines, and instead i just get “oh but that’s so responsible and honestly smarter, i wish i could be like that” which is not the point. i don’t know how to have fun lol.

eating out twice a year might save me a bit of money but it does take up a lot of time to always cook at home, and there’s so many foods that i don’t even know about

[prince-tulip]

Im so sorry for what I've done...im trying to be a better person, its just hard when all I want to do is fix everything ive ever broken. Trying to grow and understand these horrible illnesses, impairments or injuries, whatever life may throw at me. Its a journey im trying to bring to an end..i want a beautiful life..

The bitterness is something i still struggle with, maybe it plays into my life, more than i wanna admit, the guilt and shame i feel in those situations alone makes me want to die. The unrelenting feeling of emptiness topped with a conflicting sense of invalidation. God, it is so ugly to feel..disgusting completely. I am disgusted with myself. I have a need for filling roles for people that i feel obligated to fill, its about that shame. Its about not knowing how to let go what needs to be let go because you dont understand what letting go is. Its about not giving into nostalgia. Not seeking validation in something that can no longer give you that, not falling in to bad habits or abusing drugs, abusing alchohol, abusing, sex, porn, anger, depression, hate, impulsiveness, just things that hurt you..im trying to be clean..im trying to break free..theres a big picture im trying to paint, im focused on me and trying to just be good to others.

I can be alone, i can be who i need to be right now to find who i will be later. Im strong and steadfast. I love you, all of you, anyone who ever was there or will be. Past, present and future. Im coming to terms, one day.

The pain was real, its real. The realization of my wrongs are real, the achingly painful emptiness is real. I need to feel it and face it. Face the realization. The realization that i mirror othed people. That i don't give people boundaries or myself.

The realization of it all...how was i so detached, so careless...i can blame it on all i can but it doesn't mean i didn't do anything..doesn't take away from the false reality i was living in, that i didn't understand that it literally tore me apart, changed me to hurt loved ones, its as if i wanted to get to a point to where i was so crazy and so fucked up. Split personality, split reality, split fucking brain, filled with contradictions and fears, making any kind of decision is aweful, it makes me change as a person, like i will die or the worst possible event will happen, it is unrelenting. Theres so many ways that i didnt know how to function without living in destruction. Was it my bpd? Was it my autism? Was it my anxiety? Was it the cognitive distortion? Or was it whatever defense mechanisms i made up in my head?...why wasn't i a better person to people i truly love? Or am i just not a capable of living normally with normal relationships?

Im in deep pain and i can only try to be a better person from here..thats all i can do, there's not much time left. I could die tomorrow. Which i act scared in that regard but i also have always had a weird feeling of relief in the thought of dying instantly, anywhere or anyway, whatever time or place.

Selfish, i know. Its too easy right? If i always thought about how i deserve nothing but punishment then why would i wish to die? For that would just bring peace.

My brain almost undoubtedly would go "oh thank goodness now i don't have to make that phone call now" and laugh with a hint of irony. Nervous in way of course as well. For why shouldn't i be? For if there was a heaven or hell, I do not in the slightest know where i would go. Probably somewhere in between if i had to guess.

[boypussydilf]

Immediately throws akechi and sumi at your for the relationship game.give me them

oh my god its them! im completely normal about them!

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

there’s um. not. a whole lot. they sure are people who know each other <3 i would love to see a compilation of Top 10 Times Akechi And Sumire Briefly Greeted Each Other In Passing And Did Not Have A Conversation. that would be so boring. that’s also like, most of their relationship, just the part that happens offscreen. there’s not necessarily A Ton to them in third sem either but They Are There! there is the part where atlus tries to say akechi just straight up Doesn’t Care about her and it’s. that’s misleading phrasing at best. there isn’t serious evidence that akechi has any kind of special affection for sumi, and it’s exacerbated by akira being there for comparison and akechi, like, has a lot of feelings about akira and akira is on the very small list of people akechi is remotely comfortable displaying feelings about even if just the “i want to hitting you over the head with a hammer” and “*experiencing jealousy + admiration + gay* this also is wanting to hitting you over the head with a hammer” feelings but like,. anyway. Akechi cares about sumi even if in canon it’s just the amount of caring you do about someone you’ve Kind Of Spent A Little Time With But Not Much.

Anyway in all that rambling my brain put together what their actual canon relationship is. God, it’s beautiful and incredible isn’t it. Sumi is sort of acquainted with this polite guy who goes on TV sometimes and Akechi is kind of acquainted with this polite girl whose dad works at the TV station and then one day sumi suddenly finds out that akechi is winning international Most Unhinged Ways To Scream While Killing Things awards and akechi suddenly finds out that sumi has been impersonating her dead sister for most of a year because she couldn’t bear being herself. And then they go beat things up together

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

*bdg and his sister voice* SIBLINGS SIBLINGS SIBLINGS SIBLINGS!

To me they are that one shadow & cream(?) comic. To me they are the “if anyone makes fun of you for saying golly you will kill them” “yes boss!”. And so much more… oh god ive done a lot of talking, im getting tired, but its ok. i can make it.

They’re great because like. Sumi does her best to be Relentlessly Cheerful and subsequently is kind of immune to Akechi Being Mean. I think she would be good for him. She’s like “wow this guy is insane!” but also kinda admires & looks up to him the way she does with all the thieves and like… he’s stuck with her. He has no real reason or basis to project Ulterior Motives onto her, she doesn’t feel the urge to like, try to Fix Him or something, they can just. Exist. With her following him around and being sweet and nice and Sumire and he has to deal with it now. It helps, in a way, that while that one post was kind of off the mark calling akira “just some guy” it was spot on calling akechi and sumi The Two Most Mentally Ill People In The World. Sumi is nice & tries to be positive but she’s also. You Know. “They can hang out and be depressed together” is not remotely the correct way to phrase it, but, like… It’s that they’re not necessarily uniquely suited as people to understand each other, kind of the whole point of akechi is all the thieves can relate to him and his situation in a way, and obviously no one is exactly in a position like sumire but there r other thieves who could understand well where she’s coming from…. but like… They’re in maybe the best jumping off point to GET to, We Can Understand Each Other. Like actively making that a part of… not exactly their conversations but…. you know. Being aware of that and being intentional about it.

Ummm what else. I guess if I think of anything else before I post this I can add it. Oh yeah and I also think abt that one fic where marukis palace has a section that’s clearly trying to set akira & sumi up but akechi does it with her instead and they both use their Powers Of Deliberate Politeness and its just, like. Sweet and special to me.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

*leaning really close into the microphone* i think goro akechi should have friends.

I just think everything about them is neat. The funny silly potential. The serious dramatic potential. The both of them having friends,

akechi and sumi hanging out really IS something that can be so funny silly <3 like for one thing their official canon dynamic of kind of knowing someone who seems normal and u spend any real time with them and suddenly it’s Oh! What the fuck! its awesome. and also sumire the sweetie darling that she is intentionally being nice to him and being his friend and spending time with him and akechi begrudgingly going along with it sometimes because he wants to protect it wants to see it grow up healthy but just will not admit it because goro akechi is, and i do not say this lightly, i believe no one should say this lightly, i say it only after majoring for the past year in akechi studies, a tsundere. i also think about the specific Sibling Angle a lot. i adore the concept of cringefail brother akechi so much. akechi sits up straight at 3am while reading reddit threads about himself instead of sleeping and realizes with horror that he has become A Brother and then goes into a panic for the rest of the week. how is he supposed to BE a brother? what do brothers DO? is there an inconspicuous way to take notes while akira and futaba are interacting? It does not occur to him that if he has already become a brother he must be doing OK at it.

That may or may not have gotten off track depending on how you look at it. The point is i like them because their whole relationship can be SO fucking funny.

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

GOD… GOD… Sumi is technically not the ONLY person remotely in his age range akechi knows that he hasn’t also tried to kill, because, like, he goes to school, but. “Akechi makes friends with his classmates” yeah that’s not gonna happen. no way. there’s 500 different reasons that would never happen. So like. Sumi. This is the most important part. the Lack Of Baggage. they did not have very many interactions, in their lives, before third sem at all, and none of those interactions involve trying to kill each other. there’s sort of the sumi in january trying to kill him a little bit thing, but, that’s not much. that can be pushed aside. akechi has someone who has not interacted with Detective Prince akechi much, and also, again, has not been the recipient of attempted murder, so she can just, like, know him, if he’ll let her.

now SUMI on the other hand has had her traumatic backstory put on blast in front of all of the phantom thieves and especially akira and akechi but i dont remember if she, has anything to say about that at all in canon, and she probably would have Thoughts about that but my brain has not quite made a Full Sumire Dissertation as of yet so i dont have the specific thoughts on hand and besides thats a little off topic.

I think a lot about the Akechi side of AkeSumi Friendship. I kind of think about the sumi part a little less. off the top of my head i dont have much on her part of it and what she thinks of him besides mostly, like, she looks up to him a little bit the same way she kinda does with all the thieves. Although i think there’s a lot of Mystery to unravel for her. She doesn’t know much about Akechis Life, i think, and doesn’t necessarily want to learn about that, or try to DIY Therapy him, or anything else like that, but, like. She does know that there is some kind of Major History between akechi & the phantom thieves, and she only knows the vaguest, sweeping version of the details. she just wants to know what the fuck Happened and why he’s being like that and why everyone’s like that… i guess thats all i have to say on that!

favorite interaction they have in canon

one: the Ruthless Sort Of Person convo. two:

that’s it that’s all they are. “don’t be fucking USELESS to us” “okie dokie :D! see you tomorrow!!! <3”

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

We have had so many conversations about them how am I supposed to pick through the World Heritage Posts Of My Brain.

I still think abt the dumb scenario I made up of sumi joining the thieves for shidos palace and they put together a plan to try to gaslight akechi into thinking she was always there and he’s so fucking thrown the akechi boss fight doesn’t even happen because he’s just going What the fuck is this. Also sumi + akechi in strikers. Both “actually in strikers” version and “strikers sequel where they yell at akira for going on a road trip without them and then drag him off” version.

I think with the inevitable influence of akira & futaba sumire can eventually join the “texting akechi stupid memes” club. She tries to rickroll him. I don’t know what he’d do about that honestly. There’s too many potential funny reactions. “Great prank, Yoshizawa-san.” “thank you!!! oh do you want to see the picture i took of a great dress i saw the other day” and she sends an attachment and its another rickroll but she also sends an actual picture of a cool dress too.

Ok. Guess thats all. For now. Took me like an hour. The royal DUO is something that can actually be so personal.

[add-the-account-yourcosmicguide]

5:27PM 09/15/2021

🌺🍃 So, I've been having mad anxiety; full blown panic attacks and everything 🙃😐and my depression 😒 it's bad, pretty bad. So bad that I spent this past week in bed every day all day and ight I'm in bed just sleepy, exhausted! 😴🛌💤

🌙🌾 🎃⚡🍂🍃🍁🌟🌻🌟🍁🍃🍂🍂🍃

Ever since New Moon

🌟I have been slacking big time !! !

🌺🍃Well, it's all started when I couldn't upload more than one photo at a time on Instagram and then I just quit Instagram altogether. Which I had been started up this Tumblr account and started a couple Tarot games on here and divination services🌙🔮🎉 but that hasn't been keeping me that happy either which it usually keeps me going and keeps me out of trouble and keeps me occupied and helps me to feel productive and like a normal citizen or whatever you want to call it I don't know what it makes me feel whole I guess I'm not really sure but it gives me the sense of being connected to the world. 🌎

🌺🍃 I've made quite a few pick a card Tarot readings; I mean for ME, that's actually, with everything I'm going through.

🌺🍃 I'm not able to really do Tarot full time because of my depression and due to health reasons my chronic illness. My cancer always gets in the way. I'm not going to say much on it because I don't want to put a damper on your day because I know how depressing cancer can be too everyone.❣🎗🧿🎱

🌺🍃 I've written a small piece of poetry ✨💕it's nothing to flex just a bullshit mood put on paper 😌 I call it Moody Confusion.

Poem: MOODY 😕CONFUSION

Written By: F.R.

❣🌻💙🧿❣🎗❣🧿💙🌻❣

MOODY BLUES IN MY BED

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Feel IT IN My CHEST

Heart DROPS

Beat Rocks

HE S LOST

CANT STOP THESE THOUGHTS

I COULDNT BELIEVE IT

I still Can't Believe It

RUN AWAY , BUT WERE RUNNING IN CIRCLES

WHERE TO RUN

WALK IT OFF

NOW IM IN BED

FUZZY DRAMA IN MY HEAD

LOSING MY GRIP

LETTIG THIS SLIP

MOODY CONFUSION IN MY HEAD

Moody Blues in my bed

MOODY CONFUSION GETS THE BEST

Of me

MOODY CONFUSION

LOST THE REST OF ME

🌺🍃 I did turn to divination as a method to help solve my little problem too; I did an Oracle Reading and I feel it's fairly accurate. 😅 I'm sort of relieved that I didn't pull out Oracle deck for nothing and cleanse it with brand new "Tangerine Cream" incents... they smell oh so Divine!! !

🌺🍃For my Oracle Reading I simply had one thing on my mind: my anxiety and depression 🙃🙂 I wanted to know why I feel this way and what can I do to fix it.

🌈Q::WHATS THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS?

A: Father Sky- Trust in the Unknown, Earth Element- Stability, Leadership

🌈Q: HOW CAN I GET OVER THIS ?

A: Libra- Balance, 12- Change, Look at the Bigger Picture

🌈Q: What magick should I concentrate on in my mystic craft? Spells I should work on now that woukd boost my self esteem and get me out of this depression and rid me of my anxiety ?

A: 7-Jupiter-Abundance, Middle World, Appreciation, Roots, Meditation Protected: You are safe and Supported While you Change Your Career.

🌺🍃⚡ So, I'm going to very very briefly summarize this up; in case I need to read this again later! This is a personal entry in my blog ... it will be listed under the tag #YourCosmicGuide #PersonalPost #CosmicGuideSays ( all one word except personal post ) . You will just have to bear with mg tagging system to look and search my blog for the posts you desire to see. Because I'm new to this experience here and I'm unsure of how to create links properly like I have seen many ppl use !? Anybody want to give me some guidance on this 🙏🙏???? I'd be ever so grateful.

⚡So let's discuss the above Oracle Cards that I pulled ..

🍀🍃So, basically I see that my anxiety and depression has a root cause and it's my lack of stability and there are issues with myself assuming leadership roles. This could stem from the fact that I do not have as close of a relationship with God/Creator/The Universe as much as I use to in the past ... I used to have a more balanced Spiritual life N I seemed to make time for more religious studies and communication with Spirit; just more of a connection to the other side , even my SpiritGuide, Elm . I've been slacking in my meditation and could use some empowering , uplifting , guided meditation tapes 🙏 I should also be manifesting abundance 🙌 I could do a Spell for abundance even add in prosperity since I just happen to have orange peels 🍊🟧📙 and I've been making my digital grimoire ! Oh yes there's a reason I've been depressed! Because I lost it my hard copy Grimoire or someone stole it. Then someone stole my old tablet my Samsung galaxy tab A , this new ones an A7 . it's not as good.

🎃🌾🌙 I should take my picture of my white pumpkin from the grocery store. I'm impressed with it. I'm shocked that me and Kyle picked the same one out too !!

🌟🍂 I did edit this just a bit . Hope yall enjoy 😉 it. I work hard!!? Actually yah I do. Really it probly takes me on average so much longer than ost ppl doing just a regular upload like this .. and I'm still not done explaining my reading but I'm sure you get the jyst of it.its pretty self explanatory.

🌺🍃So I'm hearing from this reading that I need to gain courage in order to move on and basically I need to communicate with Spirit and the universe my higher self and also God completely need to let go of my need to control things and let go and let God. I need to give off these ideas of perfection and I need to just move on the best I can with what I have left because I will have nothing at all if I don't just pick up here and at least pick up the pieces and move on. There's not much more I can do other than that so I'm going to have a lot of healing to go from here. I'm going to have to do a lot of self-care work and I'll have to put a note to self that I'm going to be doing more Shadow work also so that's October coming and working on working with spirit channeling guidance from the other side.

[cafedanslanuit]

would it be ok to ask for hcs of the main 6 + vaderwood and how they would react to their normally energetic and funny mc being a little off and making some self-deprecating jokes (like a little too dark to be funny) as a way of coping and hiding their anxiety/depression? if not thats ok im just in a similar mood today.

self-deprecating jokes are my thing too, tbh. hope you’re feeling better! Also, I couldn’t picture Vandy for this particular hc, I’m sorry :c

Yoosung

This boy honestly loves how fun you are. He will always laugh with you and you don’t tease him that much (Saeyoung does that for you)

One day, when he comes home from his job at the vet, he finds you calling for pizza. He lets you finish the call and then you look up.

“Hey, welcome back! I accidentally left the stove on for too long and messed up dinner” you casually said, with a small giggle. “So I called Pizza Hut, hope it’s okay”.

“It’s okay!” he says. “I love pizza”

“I know, me too” you smile. You stand up and stretch your arms. “Okay, so I’ll take a shower before it gets here. How the fuck did I forget the stove on, I don’t know” you laugh. “I swear to God I would totally leave me at this point”.

Yoosung says nothing, shocked. He watches you walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower. He knows you like to joke around, but that joke had been pretty specific. Leave you? Why would he leave you? Over some burnt food?!

He waits until you come out, wrapped in a towel and hands you a cup of your favourite tea. You smile weakly.

“An award for my awful cooking?” you tease him.

“Hey! It’s just food! And you solved it. I don’t really care, MC, please let it go”. He sees your lips tremble a little bit. “Are you okay?”

You had a really rough day at work. You tell him all about it while sipping on the tea and he silently listens to you, nodding at the right times. The pizza finally arrives and he puts on your favourite show so you both can watch it. When you go to bed, he makes sure to give you extra cuddles, so you never have to feel any more pressure on yourself.

Zen

Honestly, he’s not the best at comedy. But he really likes how much you can make yourself laugh with your own jokes.

He comes home and hands you his tablet. You arch an eyebrow and look at him from the couch. He sits beside you and asks you to press play. You nod and comply his request.

It’s a video from rehearsal. He’s singing at he’s actually hitting all the notes just right. You smile softly, watching the video in silence. When it’s over, you turn and gives him a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re amazing, babe. You did the song soooo good! How can you be so talented?”

“Thank you, babe. And I don’t know, can’t help it. I’m just talented.” he shrugs, with a confident smile.

“Well, someone has to be” you responded quickly. His smiled faltered and he looked at you, confused.

“What are you talking about? You are talented too. I’ve seen your drawings, those building projects you have been working on. They’re masterpieces, MC, I love them and–”

“I didn’t get the job, Zen” you quickly answer, not looking at him. “They didn’t like those ‘masterpieces’” you added, making the colons signs with his fingers.

Oh. So they had already sent you the email.

Zen would put the tablet aside and hold you on the couch. Whisper over and over again how talented you truly are and how they were in the wrong for not noticing it.

“If they can’t see how brilliant you are, why would you want to work for them?” he asked. “I’ve been rejected more times that I can count. I know how you feel. And you know what makes me feel better?”

You look at him and shake your head.

Ten minutes later, you’re both riding on his motorcycle, feeling the air against your face. you hug him tighter and smile.

Jaehee

Jaehee’s not one for jokes. But she does enjoy the occasional laugh she has with you. You make tons of jokes, but, unlike Saeyoung, you know when to stop

“Babyyyyyyyy, I’m a mess!” you complained, stretching on your bed. Both of you were working on your laptops, when suddenly you put yours aside.

“C’mon. Help me, Excel Goddess! Can’t seem to make this thing to work and I need to show it to my boss tomorrow” you asked. Jaehee smiled softly, put her laptop aside and grabbed yours. She started typing formulas, fixing your work.

“You’re so good to me, baby. Thank youuuu. That’s why you’re the smart one here”. Jaehee just smiled, continuing her work.

“They should have taught me Excel in school instead of sports. Did anyone of my class turn out to be an athlete? No one. Are we struggling to get a job because we don’t know shit about Excel? We are”.

“Maybe that’s why I’m failing. Maybe that’s why I had to settle with this shitty job, because I can’t comprehend the monster that in Microsoft Excel. Maybe that’s also why my Computer Science teacher hated me at school” you said dramatically. Jaehee chuckled softly.

“Maybe that’s why my whole life is a mess right now. Maybe that’s why I can’t find joy in the things I do anymore, maybe that’s why my father left us. Because I’m a shitty person who can’t do Excel and can’t get a decent job”.

She stopped typing and looked over at you.

“MC. What are you saying?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m tired. Don’t think about it too much”

“I-… Do you want me to talk to Mr. Han? Maybe there’s a position and… I know C&R takes most of my time but an entry level job may be good– at least for your resumé and–”

“I’m fine. Don’t think about it, baby” you dismissed, but Jaehee grabbed your hand.

“Can’t you really find joy anymore?” she asked. You sighed.

“Happens to me when the cold weather beggins. Will go away in a couple of weeks” you shrugged. Jaehee squeezed your hand.

“Let me know if I can do anything to help you… well, find joy again”.

“You do help!” you assured her. “I can find bits of joy here” you smiled and gave her a small kiss. She smiled and kissed you back.

Jumin

Jumin doesn’t understand most of your jokes. Most of the times, you have to explain them to him. He doesn’t mind, but it’s only because he really enjoys watching you laugh at your own jokes. The sight of you giggling it’s enough to light up any day.

That day, you decided to visit him during lunch. Which wasn’t a rare occurrence, you tried to visit him at least once a week, making sure with Jaehee you wouldn’t be interrupting.

“Good afternoon, my love. Didn’t expect you here” he greeted you, giving your cheek a tender kiss when you approached him. You gave him the bento you had prepared and sat in front of him, on the other side of his desk.

“I know. I just thought your darling, loving wife might make an appearence. I do have to keep those heiresses away from you” you laughed. He smiled softly and opened his bento. “Don’t want them making you change your mind about marrying some poor girl who couldn’t even afford university by herself”.

Jumin arched his eyebrow while eating his lunch. “Is there a problem with your classes? I thought you were excited about finally attending university, even if most of the classes are online for security reasons. Are the professors not competent enough? Are they not grading you fairly?”

You laughed. “No, Jumin, classes are fine. I just… Don’t really fit with your social class, you know. I mean, I knew I wouldn’t fit, but someday’s it really… just… I don’t know. You can put a working class girl in a Channel, but you can’t really change who she really is inside, right?” you smiled weakly.

Jumin furrowed his eyebrows, visibly upset. “What are you talking about?”

Your facade disappear and you sighed. You reached out for his hand and held it tighly.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. I love you, I really do. Nothing can change that. But I can’t– I can’t pretend I don’t hear the whispers when I come here to have lunch with you. How I listen to them mocking these nice clothes you bought for me” you said, pointing at your light blue dress he had given you. “I don’t… I didn’t grow up with these things. I must look really dumb pretending to be part of a class I’m not”.

“Who made that comment?” he asks, angrily.

You try to cover it up, but after some pushing, you tell him it’s the secretary that works two offices away. She has a desk beside Jaehee’s. Jumin stands up, not stopping when you ask him to. He takes one step outside his office and spots the secretary you must be talking about.

“You’re fired. Assistant Kang, take care of that paperwork”.

Jumin returned to his office and locked the door. You can’t believe what just happened. He walks over to you and lifts up your chin with his hand, gently.

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you you don’t belong here. Or that you don’t deserve elegant clothes or anything I want to give to you. I know you didn’t grow up the same as me, but that’s why I love you. Because you didn’t look at me and saw my money or C&R, you looked at me. At who I was. Who I could be. I want to be the best man I can be, just for you. And I want to please you, giving you anything I can so you can enjoy life at its fullest. Also, look at you” he said, taking a look at your whole outfit. “You look breathtaking. You look classy, and it’s not just the dress” he smirked, kissing your cheek and making his way to your neck, leaving you a mess of giggles.

Saeyoung

Ok, so we all agree he’s the king of dark humour and self-deprecating jokes.

And he’s used to be like that around you and sometimes you make the same jokes and you both just laugh it out.

So that day, he doesn’t notice something’s off from the start.

He’s fixing the robot cat, since it had been malfunctioning. You’re reading a magazine  on the couch while he’s sitting on the floor, both of you talking on and off.

“One day you should teach me who to do that. You know, fixing stuff and such”

“I wil! But you’ll need to call me sensei during our lessons.”

“Sensei? Isn’t that japanese?”

“It is! I’ll be your sensei if you wish. But what do you want to learn to fix?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to be the dumb one of the relationship”

“Awww. But we make such a good pair~”

“Just because you haven’t got tired of me yet” you chuckle.

“How could I get tired of your cooking? Never!~ I swear my mouth waters just thinking about your waffles.”

You laugh. “That’s all I am? My cooking?”

“Well, also how clean you keep this, Ms. Vanderwood hasn’t been complaining as much as before” he teases you.

“Well, you know I have to keep this apartment clean and your stomach full. That’s why I’m here, right? Until you get tired of my stupidness” you chuckle.

Saeyoung looks back at you, stopping on his fixing of robo-cat. He’s not longer smiling.

“… You really think that? That I think you’re stupid?”

“Well… I’m no genius. I’m just one more secretary, I’m… c’mon. You’d have more fun with someone who’s just as smart as you. I’m just here… until my time’s done. I’ve accepted it long ago.”

Suddenly he’s over you, making you lay on the couch, pinning both your arms over your head.

“Stop! What? Stop, just stop, what are you even saying?! You are kind, compassionate, generous and the most beautiful soul I’ve ever seen. You stayed by my side when I was at my worst. You saw all parts of me and still loved me. I’m the one who isn’t worthy of someone as loving and forgiving as you. I– I could never. I could have never rescued Saeran without you. I could have never been happy or even think about real happiness if it weren’t for you. So honestly, what if you don’t know anything about computers or hacking? That doesn’t matter to me. It’s you and your heart. It’s always been about your loving heart, MC. Please, please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve loved you my whole life. Even before I met you. I just didn’t realize it.”

Your eyes water

damn, saeyoung i almost cried as well, you fucker

You both stay on the couch, holding each other until you fall asleep. He keeps whispering soft and warm words to your ear every now and then, making sure you never doubt yourself again.

Saeran

“i want to die” “same”

It’s so usual for you both to make dark jokes, he doesn’t really notice when it stops being a joke to you.

You’re both laying on the couch. You’re on top of him, resting your head on his chest. You can’t remember how it started, but you start joking around.

“Your girlfriend’s a mess, you know”

“She is. Have you seen her hair?” he teased.

“What the hell does she think she’s doing? Have you seen the way she dresses?”

“Total mishap. It’s like a match made in hell”

“And her voice? More like a screech” you laugh, making fun of your own voice.

“Will she ever shut up?” he sighed dramatically, smirking softly.

“Why does she think she actually make someone happy?” you chuckle. His smile disappears.

Saeran stays silent for a minute. “You’re not happy?”

are you not happy with him? has he already bored you out of your mind? are you having second thoughts about your relationship? because he’s been trying, he’s been seeing a psychologist and even though there still isn’t a big change, he— is it because there hasn’t been a big change?

“Well, you’re not” you replied in a small voice. “And I can’t– And I don’t how– Maybe it’s me?”

So, Saeran decides to try something he’s been talking about with his psychologist. Better now than ever, he thought.

“I love you”

You raise your head, looking at him in disbelief. He’s never said that before. When you started dating, he had kissed you and you had understood how it was hard for him to express feelings due to the severe trauma he had gone through, so you hadn’t pushed him but… Saeran was still looking at you, a tense expression on his face. You suddenly realized you hadn’t said anything back.

“I love you too”. You had said it before. You had told him that a million times, but it was the first time you said it back.

“I know it seems I’m not making progress– But I think I am? I mean, I just told you that, right?” he said, scratching his head, a little nervous. “He said we were going to work on expressing feelings, and it was easier to express the most intense ones.”

“Your most intense feeling– one of your most intense feelings is loving me?” you asked, still surprised.

“Shut up” he said, making you laugh for real this time.

[bi-demon-ium]

thots on newest ep

spoilers below the cut

oh im so glad there’s more milligan and mr benedict interaction!! wholesome!! 

i’ve had a fic planned about them pre-canon since ep one but i wanted to wait for more information (which i’m glad i have, might wait until the finale tho in case there are any more twists)

milligan starting to remember!!! 

also everything with rhonda and number two!! they had me in the first half ngl i thought it was gonna be more of a wedge between them and i was like :/ but then they fixed it real well 

what’s up with the pool thing, too?? i’m intrigued 

GOD the whole thing they used to spy on mr curtain was a) completely nerve wracking somehow, b) so endlessly complicated

i just KNOW miss perumal is gonna show up soon. sad she wasn’t in this episode tho, i miss her :( 

mr benedict’s dorky little hat 

curtain is just so...... Creepy. his vibes... they are rancid... tony hale is doing a very good job 

but like seriously what the fuck? he radiates Danger and not in a hot way in a eaauuhhhhhhhhhh way 

SPEAKING OF VIBES RHONDA SAYING VIBES I LOVE HER 

and the whole Demetra thing 

they’re messengers!!! i’m simultaneously like Yay!! and Oh No 

ah constance is so smart :) 

i actually kinda liked kate basically getting a sports scholarship to stay. it’s both pretty funny and like. i’m intrigued to see where this goes with martina.

i actually like martina, although for the most part so far it’s more been like “god what a shameless bitch. i love her” because she is just so fucking funny (”Your God Can’t Help You Now” what a fucking riot who says shit like that???) but now... i admit, i’m a little intrigued. she’s still Like That but like... Hm 

also i love that they just made it tetherball why is that so funny to me 

TeThErBaLL iS tHe PrIdE oF tHiS iNsTitUtIoN

you know i don’t have a lot of negative things to say about the show so far, there are some changes i don’t like that much or don’t think were necessary but nothing really that didn’t at least have potential to go in a good direction, but there are two things that do really annoy me: 

one. mr. benedict hasn’t fallen asleep like once in the last few episodes and he’s literally on an enormous emotional rollercoaster. i get that it tends to be more triggered by happiness/joy but we know it can just be extreme emotion in general, particularly since he literally fainted when the house got invaded, so like??? what gives???? i get he can’t be passing out every five seconds since he’s a little 24/7 stressed but like. when he was yelling and throwing things or even right after when he just comes up to them looking Distressed And Depressed, or like. later when he’s talking about his brother or when he actually sees him or like. just . at all? are we gonna pretend it’s just gone now? and like when he realized what gemini meant he one hundred percent should have conked out on the table like. what could literally be a more extreme emotion than finding out your long lost twin who you love and miss is also the basically-a-supervillain enemy of yours who is destroying society, brainwashing people, and who actively tried to have you kidnapped and possibly worse, 

two. ok maybe this is stupid but the cheating thing really annoys me. not that they’re doing it but just how Offended they are at how Wrong it is like. sure, there’s for sure a strong argument that under normal circumstances cheating is wrong. but like. y’all. y’all . you a) aren’t here to actually go to school, you are here to stop someone from Doing The World Domination, b) it’s kind of not a real school anyway, it’s an evil institute for brainwashing all of society, with nonsensical classes, that manipulates and actively hurts children, c) oh and if you don’t YOU LITERALLY GET BANISHED FROM THE ISLAND AND YOUR BRAIN GETS ERASED LIKE????????????? actually it is not only okay but Objectively Morally Right to cheat in your situation. it’d be one thing if it was specifically rooted in the fear of getting caught (which, to be fair, is mentioned) but like they--sticky in particular--seem much more concerned with it being Unethical and like. i get being uncomfortable with it, i do! but again! the consequences if you don’t are you or your friends LITERALLY GETTING BRAINWIPED AND SENT AWAY I???????? IT’S OK IF SHE PEEKS AT YOUR ANSWERS I PROMISE YOU IT IS MORALLY OKAY AND YOU WILL NOT GO TO THE BAD PLACE FOR IT OKAY 

anyway. 

this is kind of negative but not really, more thoughtful--what was up with the waiting room? like, ngl, my adhd ass would have just started like. scrolling through my mental playlist and i would have started just singing whatever was in my head, or just like, lay on the floor and take a nap, like. dont get me wrong, waiting sucks, and i would probably go a little stir crazy after a while, but it’d be in the form of like. talking out loud a lot and singing loudly to distract myself and honestly someone would probably come in to shut me up but like--you get the idea, the point is, the waiting room seemed a bit underwhelming. like i get that it sucks, but like. it seemed like an extreme reaction? to be fair, the room seems designed to fuck with you, with the weird ambient noise of the fish tank and the clock (i wonder if it actually is set to glitch like that like, literally, or if that was just symbolic/in his head?) but like. it still seems a little strange. although, you know, i wonder if it’s like. one of those signals? i mean curtain’s whole thing is messages you can’t hear, right? like, supposedly some haunted houses are caused by high pitched sounds just outside our range of hearing but like, we can still sense it, but without the actual sound to ground it it makes the brain all paranoid and sometimes even hallucinatory or something? so i wonder if the waiting room specifically has some sort of super high/low pitched sound playing that makes you all jittery and anxious and lowkey hallucinating (hence the clock and looping fish--the clock could be faked, but the fish seems a bit extreme. not impossible to fake in this kind of universe i should think, but extreme) actually.... wait is it just like.... a miniaturized and more intense/targeted version of the emergency? i mean, sticky did literally describe it as anxiety (but more intense) and literally what is the emergency but this planted growing anxiety about everything? idk, maybe i’m totally off base here, i’m not the sharpest tool in the box, but like. food for thought 

again not really negative so much as just kinda like Hm but mr. benedict really feels less calm wise mentor and more like. shouty and emotional and volatile? well, volatile isn’t the right word, and obviously this is like 100 percent super due to the whole Curtain Revelation but like. idk, it’s weird? don’t get me wrong, i still love him, and when he has gotten like that he’s never like. the worst he’s done is raise his voice slightly and then apologize after, the throwing stuff was all actively outside and away from the others so that’s just venting babes 

and like he never raised his voice with the kids or anything either (although to be fair, that was before the big emotional revelation that seems to have kinda shattered his normal mask(?), but i strongly believe he wouldn’t lmao) 

it’s just weird bc it’s not what i associate with the character? but like. it’s not necessarily bad, and he’s still just as passionate and kind and genuinely caring, he’s not necessarily an angry person and he’s certainly not violent or rude or anything, he’s like.

the core of the character is still there and it just makes him seem--you know, actually, i think that’s really it. in the books, obviously, it’s more about the kids and the kids alone. mr. benedict functions as a mentor and protector, but he’s kind of like a parent--parents are people, obviously, but kids don’t fully... compute that? they do, but they don’t. the first time a kid sees their dad really cry or their mom properly lose her temper when she’s normally so even and calm or whatever else, it’s a real shock. which is kinda how i felt seeing mr. benedict yell the first time honestly, lmao. 

but anyway, the point is, kids kinda see grown ups, particularly ones they look up to, as invincible, untouchable, etc. they’re almost not fully rounded characters (okay, that’s not fair, they’re still developed and fleshed out, but i mean, they’re not the focus or the point, they’re not here to be sad or angry so much as they are there to be the calm mentor/etc. right? to be clear i am mega simplifying this, but i’m trying to get the vague point across) or rather, they’re not really the main characters. 

while in the show, it’s split more evenly between the kids and the adults having their own conflicts and problems--they’re each being given storylines, and mr. benedict is grappling with a real emotional problem with this revelation of his brother, and we get to see him as flawed rather than as just the Calm Wise Dad. 

so like while seeing him raise his voice was weirdly unsettling for me, it was like. it makes him more human? more of a character? i think that’s also partly why i’d like to write fic for him in the first place, because he’s a compelling/engaging character (and again... the vibes r so Pure) while in the books, while i really liked him, i wasn’t as interested in that kind of engagement. 

NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT IF THAT BOTHERS YOU?

hm . morse code compromised, that can’t be good. ngl we’re getting into the territory of the first book i don’t remember that well (god i should reread it!! fuck!!) so i don’t remember if/how that happened in the book, but i do know that the second they specifically suggested using morse to cheat i was like :| hm bc like. my immediate reaction is Ah... Unnecessary Connection... Perhaps Do Not? in case they get caught or something you know 

i do wonder how they’ll communicate now tho... Oh A Hawk? oh worm 

ah the missing aren’t missing they’re only departed my beloved <3 

i just love the creepy messenger chants and i’m sad they changed a lot of it to nonsensical non rhyming things

imagine just fucking around with your radio and suddenly catching on to a creepy child’s voice slowly chanting the missing aren’t missing , they’re only departed. all minds keep all thoughts so like gold closely guarded, 

i’d lose my shit bro 

[boypussydilf]

I'm going to throw you a curve ball and say Sherly and that one guy whose name I don't remember who you ship him with (I think it's Soseki?)

idont know how to say this without unintentionally sounding mean but this is the second funniest ask ive ever gotten. (i was going to say funniest, but i cant lie even for comedic purposes- the funniest ask ive ever gotten was “shouldve KNOWN an AKESHU shipper would RIP MY THROAT OUT IN PUBLIC for mentioning shusumi”) i got curious and looked at all the relationship tags for dgs on ao3 until the site wouldnt let me anymore and i can almost conclusively say tht no one on this earth ships sherlock and souseki, which, to be honest, is kind of a surprise. on my journey i learned just how dire the state of the dgs ao3 relationship tags really are. i hadnt looked that hard, and i had thought, “oh, woe is me, only about 200 of these are homumiko” There are less than 30 with the susahao tag. theres like, a Small Handful of fics with kazuma interacting w iris or yuujin. This is. This is awful. Someone needs to fix this. What’s wrong with you people? You could have filled this website with one hundred Kazuma Asougi Gets Forcibly Absorbed Into The Greatest Family fics and you’re still asobaroing away? Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Anyway it’s completely understandable to mix up souseki and mikotoba when you havent seen a ton of them they do both . have mustaches. thank you for thr ask and also for always calling him Sherly bc its cute here we go

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

*putsmy head in my hands* they have like 2 hours of screentime interacting its hard to describe a dynamic beyond “God they are so mean to each other”. its ok though. Its ok. the concept is very clear honestly. World’s Most Hyperactive and Completely Insane Man & Completely Normal Guy Who Goes Along With It. Oh My God They Were Roommates. lets see. serious notes. they trust each other completely and implicitly (mikotoba has to find a good home for The Baby He Was GOING To Raise But CAN’T and asks sherlock and he IMMEDIATELY agrees On The Spot my god ……) look . what do u call devotion if not saying “our home” about a place youve been away from longer than u ever lived at and thought youd never even see again & acting like you were never separated in the first place. Unreal. unreal.

anyway the fact of the matter is theyre literally just another variation on the Holmes & Watson concept go read an acd sherlock holmes story and imagine if they were ace attorney characters and idk i think youd more or less have it

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

*pulls out my giant conspiracy board and 90% of it is just screenshots of fanfic The Legendary Pair by Meowzy on AO3* IF YOU LOOK AT IT. THE NOT-REALLY-INDICATED-BY-CANON BUT MORE FUN AND COOL TO ME VERSION OF IT. it makes this A Necessary Relationship. sherlock is. smart in Some places. definitely observant. But has. 0 common sense. you would think hes never been to this planet before with his apparent complete lack of frame of reference for what is or is not plausible or likely. there is too much shit going on in his brain for him to figure out which ideas are Actually Likely without taking like 2 days to work it out. Give him someone who actually has common sense and can crossreference What Sherlock Has Actually Noticed And Figured Out with What Actual Human Beings Generally Would Do.

OHGOD MAYBE I CAN TRY TO ELABORATE IN A MORE SERIOUS TONE ON MY FUCKING “YUUJIN MIKOTOBA SILLY ARC” POST. GOD. what im attempting to drive at is thinking abt . the idea proposed of 16-years-ago sherlock being more of a prickly little bitch and, Much More Importantly, mikotoba going to britain to try and escape the Grief Of Losing His Wife & subsequent Depression That Made Him Unfit To Take Care Of His Baby . and then theyre . again, worlds most hyperactive and completely insane man, and, again, GUY WHO TAP DANCES DURINVG INVESTIGATIONS ?!!!!?!???????????

basically fuck you *gives you by chance a fundamentally life altering friendship right when you need it*

Anyway i dont think theyre that different in my head than in canon but its hard to say.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

i like it because i think they are neat. i like it bc i love families and fuck dude they sure do have one. i like it bc i am a dgs sherlock holmes kinnie and this drives my behavior,

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

*SCREAMS* BESTIES. anyway,

sorry for once again saying serious concepts in the dumbest fucking ways possible but Pov u are yuujin mikotoba age 26 leaving ur home to try and run away from the deepest pain of ur life & deciding not to stick with ur very close friends uve known for quite a while as you do so? For some reason? AND IT WORKS ???????????? in some part bc of this weirdo freak u moved in with impulsively who keeps almost blowing the fucking house up?

This is basically something i already said in this post earlier and i STILL . cant think of an actual good way to say it. I guess just . as many people on this blog may have noticed. me wh. me when stories involve the way positive connections with others help people <3

Also basically the only 2 reactions sherlock seems to invoke in people are “this guys insufferable” and “this guys insufferable but i also admire him” - god the trajectory of this train of thought just changed drastically im laughing so hard Bear with me . mikotoba is of course in th second camp bc thats where all sherlocks Positive relationships are. this is known to us. see: thr dialogue where hes like “Well your methods are unusual but ive always been willing to try them :)” (and then sherlock yells at him for being stupid.) anyway thats wonderful and its also Wonderful. mikotoba shortly after meeting sherlock watching this man rip up a handful of grass an d just eat it and then solve an entire mystery and mikotoba has to work out if this guys a genius or insane. He quickly realizes it is both. Anyway i guess to yuujin mikotoba sherlock holmes is his dear friend and partner & also the guy who cursed him to occasionally think “i DO wonder what that grass tastes like” at inopportune times

I don’t know WHAT the fuck i just rambled about for like ten minutes. So anyhow. sherlock describes mikotoba as “the only person i could truly call a friend” so shoutout to this friendless man i guess . no but literally hes a little weirdo freak and people dont tend to. like him. societal perceptions of ND people are not conducive to sherlock holmes having close friends . (Also he might not be. or might at some point not have been. particularly social in the first place - But this is my extrapolation based on acd canon and nothing in dgs at all so it cant be counted as anything other than my female hysteria.) and like. epic win for him finding someone who can Tolerate Him Enough To Live With Him and not just that but like . Actually Likes Him. Actually Likes Being Around Him And Would Like To Be His Friend. Congrats! also a win 4 him having like, a normal human being around. who can keep track of him and yknow. Help him remember important things. make sure he actually sleeps and eats instead of spending 42 hours straight trying to make The Sequel To Toasters (It’s Also A Juicer!)

favorite interaction they have in canon

oh,my god you know the thing is theres not a Lot of them but what there is is Really Good Actually.

on one hand we have the shit from the legendary pair scene like “:/ only JAPANESE mice go Chu. make a RUSSIAN mouse noise” or “YOUR BIRTHDAY? THATS FUNNY BC AS OF TODAY YOURE DEAD TO ME :D” “measured as always.” On the other hand we have the part from the scene after the last trial where sherlock thanks mikotoba for leaving iris in his care.

Basically i dont know how to decide. im going to say the Other part of the scene after the last trial where sherlock is excitedly telling mikotoba a story about something he did. With mikotoba. like a day before. and mikotoba lets him get through thr whole fucking thing before going Yeah i was. i was there.

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

OH GOD I DONT KNOW ACTUALLY. what is there to say beyond the Default List Of Every Homumiko Fans Shared Interests. its all been done. “Remember That Time They Raised A Baby Together For A Month”; “Have You Heard Of Arthur Conan Doyle’s Adventures of Sherlock Holmes? Great Here’s My Adaptation-“; “Put That Beast (Sherlock) In Japan LOL”. i will say that like. i dont remember where but theres some tiny bit of optional dialogue where iris says that sherlock playing the violin was a detail she wrote into the stories for fun and then after that he felt obligated to actually learn. i think a lot of people dont know this or dont use this. which is fine its a tiny random one off line i wouldnt even be able to track down. and a lot of people have the order of events go sherlock has violin -> mikotoba learns to tap dance, Look another musical thing matchy matchy :) . which again is FINE. BUT. isnt the other order of events - the order that it’s only reasonable to assume is canon - more fun ? Sherlock goes HEY GUESS WHAT I LEARNED VIOLIN NOW WE CAN MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER. He has not seen mikotoba in person in 9 years

thats the end of the post thank you i like the dads

[fairycosmos]

tried to kill myself last week n slept it off for 24+ hrs before telling my mom. she couldnt take me to the hospital bc we don’t have insurance n my case manager ended up calling dcs /: (ill be 17 next month) rn i feel like theyre waiting for me to say myself i dont wanna live here rather than just removing me bc technically i am safe but im not ready to do that even tho i know i should let them find me help. i feel like theyre waiting for me to mess up to decide themselves. i just feel lost man

oh god, i’m sorry for the late response and that you’re in this position at all, man :( i literally cant imagine how difficult everything must feel right now, and i dont blame you at all for being lost. most 16 yo olds are, but add something like this into the mix, and it’s no surprise that you’re feeling so conflicted and hurt all of the time. i know it hurts to process such vitriolically negative emotions, but it’s also a normal human response. imo, what the real focus should be on, is doing what you can to cope in a healthy or safe way. even if some days, that just looks like crying in your room and waiting for it to pass. but anyway, i want to say that i’m genuinely glad you’re still here, and i hope that one day you can feel that way too. it’s wonderful that you’re alive, and the world would be missing something if you were gone. even if you dont know it right now, and even if you can’t see it in this moment, there is so much growth and positive change waiting in your future. it’s actually inevitable, and nobody really tells you that when you’re a teenager, but it’s kinda true from what i’ve observed. the natural progression of things, the natural process of growing up, makes things feel a lot more manageable. that probably doesn’t feel like a real train of thought to the present day you, but honestly even in the 3 yrs since i was 16, the entire basis of my perspective has changed. especially bc as an adult you’re able to control so much more of your life and the mental health resources that are available to you. it’s all waiting for you, and it’s nothing to be scared of. you dont have to know what to do next and you dont have to have a solid concrete plan. i’m not sure that they’re waiting for you to ‘mess up’, because trying to do what’s right for your own health doesn’t count as ‘messing up’, whatever you decide is okay. it’s a really hard decision to make and i totally understand why you don’t know where to begin. but i think it could help to just have an honest conversation with yourself about what you really need in terms of where you live. try to block out judgement and what you ‘think’ you should do.  where do you see yourself thriving, where you do see your needs being met? where do you see improvement, and guidance? are you able to work with your case manager to figure out some sort of middle ground, some sort of compromise? i get that actually taking such a step is way way easier said than done, but you can take it at your own pace over the course of the next two years while you figure out what would be best for you.

i know you said you don’t have healthcare, and i’m not entirely sure how things work where you are. but do you think it’s possible that there could be a support group for young people in your area, or a mental health center/crisis team, literally anything at all that could lend you some support? maybe you could talk to your case worker about this, too? there could also be someone at school available, like a counselor or even just a teacher you trust. another option is to call a mental health hotline to see what they think your options are. and i know these ideas sound vague, and like theyre impossible to take seriously, but i’d really appreciate it if you gave them some real thought. it’s alright to be scared, but the fear of reaching out literally doesn’t compare to the fear of staying silent and letting this get worse on your own. mental health conditions are just as serious as physical ones and sometimes they need genuine medical attention in order to learn to live with them, and that’s absolutely alright. having someone to talk to who is trained to offer you the tools you need can really make a massive difference. they’ll be able to advise you on what the next step should be, in terms of your personal development. initially saying that you need help out loud is the worst part, sometimes you have to force the words out....but it still counts, every small effort does. i just want you to know that a better future is possible and is much more likely than the awful one you’re envisioning, no matter where you go from here. if you’re unable to receive professional help at this time, then i hope you’re able to engage in healthier coping mechanisms anyway even if they don’t work every time. i’ll leave some links that may be helpful to you when you’re in a low moment. not saying they’re supposed to fix everything, but they’re supposed to calm you down and give you some clarity so you dont make an impulsive decision. i promise you’re capable of pulling yourself back from the brink of sadness, and i promise you’re capable of getting through this. every day you survive, you’re learning how to make it all feel lighter someday. i wouldn’t say any of this if i didn’t believe in you. despite my extremely limited perspective of your life, i can see that you’re smart and you’re young and you just want to find some stability.  the more you focus on yourself and your own well being, even when you want to self destruct, the calmer things will seem. so like i said before, take all the time you need to consider the choices available to you, and then try to get through each day as it comes. if that feels like too much, one hour. minute by minute is more than good enough. im proud of you for surviving and for being the person that you are. if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk, i’ll be here. you’re not as alone as you want to believe, and so many people can relate to your circumstances because they’ve gotten through it. you will, too. you dont have to have it all figured out, that’s not your responsibility. you just have to keep trying and working with what you’ve been given. im rooting for you.

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/2018/11/immediate-coping-mechanisms-for-self-harm

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teenagers-guide-to-depression.htm

 https://www.healthista.com/15-daily-self-care-tips-help-depression/

https://bebrainfit.com/stress-management-techniques/

[tony-starkrogers]

rec week day five

For the Cap-IM rec week 2019 day five: Fix-It Friday! @cap-ironman

There are so many good fix-its out there - this list is divided into categories to make it easier if you’re looking for a specific type of fix-it. Be sure to go show these writers some comments and kudos love!

CACW FIX-ITS

Last Train Home by erde (T, 10.9k)

Steve writes letters to Tony that he never sends. By the time he hands them to their rightful owner, Tony has had a brush with death, has retired as a superhero, and now has a small town workshop of his very own. But it's okay, Steve has gone into retirement too.

Over Sea, Under Stars by vorkosigan (T, 36.6k)

Tony gets the phone, but he never uses it and he never intends to. Or, he doesn’t until Steve starts texting him, asking strange questions about medication and mental health, which is when Tony gets worried.

(A texting fix-it that grew beyond all proportion. Deals with depression and anxiety quite a lot. There is even some plot in there somewhere.)

If I were a Bell by Annie D (scaramouche) @no-gorms (E, 4.2k)

Officially, Tony hasn't seen Steve since the Sokovia Accords were ratified. Unofficially, Steve is a sneaky bastard who keeps taking risks to see Tony whenever he wants.

Dear Tony, by sirona (T, 5.9k)

Once the dust after what no one is referring to as "The Break-up" has settled, Steve starts writing and doesn't seem to know how to stop.

Even My Phone Misses Your Call by rainbowninja167 (E, 10.8k)

Steve makes it all the way to Ohio before conceding that the post-Chitauri road trip might’ve been a mistake.

Or, ten times Steve has to call Tony to come pick him up.

An Infinite Number Of Monkeys At Typewriters (Or, Steve and Tony Finally Get It Right) by JenTheSweetie (M, 18.6k)

Tony blinked up at the face staring down at him. This was impossible. This was definitely 100% not possible, he had not just started giving a good morning handy to -

“Steve?”

After the events of Civil War, Tony and Steve wake up in bed next to each other in an alternate universe. It goes about as well as you'd expect it to.

Like a Postcard Phrase by isaksara (T, 8.6k)

How to say ‘wish you were here’ without actually saying so, as done by Captain Steve Rogers.

IW FIX-ITS

The Future is Yet in Your Power by @festiveferret (T, 14.9K

"Now." Wong leaned back in his chair. "What would you do to save this world from Thanos' attack? What would you sacrifice?"

"Anything," Steve said. "Anything at all."

Wong considered him for a moment, expression unreadable. "There's one thing, maybe."

Recognize Fate (A Dramedy of Manners) by vorkosigan (E, 25.4k)

During the horror that was the Infinity War, Tony has somehow managed to fall in love with Steve. No, really, his timing's always been stellar, in all things. He would like to pursue his feelings, he would; only, this doesn't mesh so well with his other resolution: Steve must never ever know.

It's been a year since the victory, and the time has come to celebrate. Everyone is about to meet again at a big gala.

live wire by spqr (M, 7.8k)

The marks are a welcome distraction. The media fixates on them, the mystery of them, because it's a lot less daunting to think about big thumbprints on your back or your side or your thigh than to think about how the planet's population just dropped from 7 to 3.5 billion overnight.

(as a side effect of Thanos’ culling, everyone who’s left gets a soulmark)

Lost With You (Might Be All I Need) by ann2who (E, 22k)

Tony and Steve fall through a portal just after defeating Thanos and his army. Stranded in another dimension, the two have to finally face what happened—and what could have been.

The Future Is Ours (Whether We Want It Or Not) by ann2who (M, 30k)

After a hit from the Time Stone, Steve switches places with his future self.

when i run out of road, you bring me home by quidhitch (M, 18.4k)

“Oh, I won’t bother you.” The tone of Steve’s voice implies that he definitely will be bothering Tony, aggressively and frequently. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll keep to my farm, you keep to yours. Solitude together.”Tony opens his mouth to argue that that’s not how this works, but he snaps it shut at the realization that Steven Grant Rogers is fucking with him. That twinkle in his eye has accelerated into a full-on glimmer, and the ends of his lips are twitching. Jesus, he hates this man. Or maybe he wishes he did. Tony can’t really tell the difference anymore.

A New Way For Us by ann2who (M, 24.4k)

They fight Thanos—and they’re losing. And before Tony knows what’s happening, he’s standing with Doctor Strange in front of the Eye of Agamotto and gets send back in time. Can he find a way to fix things this time around, or are they doomed to fall apart all over again?

ENDGAME FIX-ITS

Five Seconds by @elcorhamletlive (unrated, 3k)

From the moment Steve suits up, he knows what he’ll do.

brave new world by @nasafic (T, 2.7k)

Steve visits Peggy first. But he doesn't stay.

And Time Can Do So Much by JenTheSweetie (M, 11.1k)

"I really shouldn’t be talking to a figment of my imagination,” Steve said. “Sam would be reading me the riot act. I can hear him now. Therapy works wonders, you know.”“Sounds like Wilson,” Tony agreed. “And therapy does work wonders. You might want to look into it, once it becomes a thing in a couple of years.”“I’ll keep that in mind,” Steve said.A few years after Steve moved permanently back in time, he started having conversations with Tony again.

Something Beautiful by Annie D (scaramouche) (T, 5.2k)

In one universe sideways, it’s 2012 and the Avengers have just defeated Loki and the Chitauri. Steve Rogers, who has been out of the ice for almost ten years, wonders if his retaking the shield for this event was a one-off, or if he’s ready to keep it again. It depends on Tony.

Same old story. by spqr (T, 7.4k)

“We’re toasting our regrets,” Tony explains. “Your turn."“Oh,” Steve says.It takes him a long minute to think of something. Or, more likely, it takes him a long moment to work up the courage. But then he turns and raises his bottle to Tony. Looks him dead in the eyes, a sad, sort of wistful smile on his face, and says, “You.”

The God of Solid Life Advice by kehinki (T, 1.5k)

It's 2012. Steve is just informed by Loki that Bucky's alive.Loki also tells him some other things.

Symmetry Breaking by Annie D (scaramouche) @no-gorms (E, 10.8k)

After the Battle of New York, Steve rode off on his motorbike. That's how it went the first time.This time he rides back, all the way to Stark Tower, where he asks Tony for help.

The Butterfly Effect by @itsallavengers (T, 20.5k)

While fighting with Loki, Steve Rogers from 2012 hears the two simple words: "Bucky's alive."And the whole universe ripples with the aftershocks.

616 FIX-ITS

Yours, Steve by soniclipstick (veriscence) (T, 8.3k)

Tony has read the news, he’s seen footage of the infighting and the arrest and Steve’s bloody body on the courthouse steps. He might not remember, but he understands why Steve can barely look him in the eye anymore.But there’s a ring on the chain of a set of dog tags that have no business being in Tony’s safe. And it fits his finger perfectly.

Your Name on Every Wall by @sineala (T, 17.8k)

The Time Gem throws Steve into the past rather than the future, and in doing so, it gives him the opportunity to undo his past mistakes. But when it turns out that all of his mistakes involve Tony Stark, Steve begins to wonder if he's ever going to be able to mend things between them.

Highest fall you'll ever grace by @laireshi (T, 5.2k)

“You’ll probably want these back,” Tony says at last, and it hurts almost physically to pull the dog tags over his head and offer them to Steve. But they never really belonged to Tony, did they?

Steve seems to hesitate for a second, but then he takes his dog tags with a weird expression. “Yeah,” he says. “They’re mine.”

Double Time by @sineala (E, 123.3k)

Cassino, Italy, December 1943. Special Agent Tony Stark, former Marvels adventurer, is sent to investigate a Cosmic Cube found by the Invaders -- and it's the perfect opportunity for him to rekindle his secret romance with Steve Rogers. But when Hydra attempts to steal the Cube, an inadvertent wish for help leads to the appearance of a Tony from the future of another world: Director Stark of SHIELD. This Tony is a man with a lot on his mind. He refuses to tell them anything about the future, but he seems to know much more than he should about Captain America. And something's happened that's clearly killing him inside, but he's not talking. When Director Stark's failed attempt to return home leads to the unexpected appearance of another visitor from his universe, all the lies come undone. Now there are two wars to fight, and the second one could ruin all of them.

Transmission by laireshi (T, 29.1k)

The incursions are stopped. Steve hopes for things to go back to normal. Instead, he finds himself stranded in an alternate universe with Tony.

Getting home won't be easy. There are too many things they haven't told each other, too many arguments they've never solved.

Now, with just each other for company, they might have to face them all—especially as they seem to be telepathically bonded, and can't keep anything unsaid anymore.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE FIX-IT

Moments by captainshellhead, vibraniumstark (G, 5.4k) (avengers assemble)

After being trapped in a pocket dimension, Tony tries to find his way home - and ends up lost in the multiverse.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

[shadowturtlesstuff]

again but better thoughts while reading

@polandbananas20

 so my spelling is terrible in this but you know i was more focused on the book than how to spell. 

Chapter 1) good intro and good starting tone. The lady next to her sucks. Good small establishment of shane.

chapter2)shane characterisation is still consistent. I like her two new roommates (will be best friends) . My guess is the boy in the kitchen will be pilot. Family means but not intentional. Has no confidence. I was right about the boy

Chapter 3) intro of pilot properly. He's good. I love the inner monologue of shane. Trying to keep eye contact, the surprise of having a normal conversation. It sets her character well. Intro to her blog which i would love to actually read (i hope there's at least one entry we can read) pilot is a musician but not. Business major. What crap. 

Chapter 4) i really feel like shane, she is just typical fangirl/ dork and i love it. Its weird being english and reading about the things that shock them like pasta in bags.i understand the watermelon.we do get to read ‘shanes writing’ but its her personal jornal not her blog.

Chapter 5) fun chapter. Intro to rome. Love the idea that shane is heavy handed and violent. Short, not alot happened other than small character establishment.

Chapter 6)intro to creative writing class which i want/need in my life.more beatles. Woman on plane works at starbucks, will she make more appearances? 

Chapter 7) the drama???or at least wht will be the drama. Pilot has a gf, called amy (wish it was me) (wait no, bc i know that plot doesnt actually like amy anymore bc he obviously likes shane. So i take it back. I want to be shane, i mean i basically am like her but oh well.)

Chapter 8) parents. Overprotective, think they know best. Urgh. guarantee one of shanes new friends fight back to her parents to support her life choices, that do not include doctor.

Chapter 9)gets an internship at travel mag company. Thats it…..

Chapter 10)rome. Looses purse. Pilot to the anxiety riddled rescue by telling his own life story about his wallet to help calm her nerves.distracts her. Basially he would do anything for shane already.re count of rome trip from her jornal again which is a good touch to further the plot. This is making me want to read dan brown (ish) all of two books i own of him

Chapter 11) the postcards are a nice touch that i hope someone reads???? Travel buddies..just saying.chad..hmmm,im like shane,well see if he is good enough for babe. Her GODDAM stupdi mean cousins being mean on her facebook, and babe seeing (best friend moment) about pilot and the whole teasing about having a boyfriend.

Chapter 12) he didnt see (but i think he did but istn sayin anything) paris i shappening. Babe is bff confirmed and i want her as my friend 

Chapter 13)angry birds addiction starts. Level three, weak, shoulder touching it romance confirmed.awwww pilot 100% waited to sleep so he could see shane safe in bed

Chapter 14) pilot with a french accent, enough  said. The flirtinggggg.  The plane woman  is back??in paris with them????

Chapter 15)pilots choices of the back in time thing are both wit shane. Its so obvious and i love it. Pilot as a fake fangirl about the eiffel tower. More flirting,kind of. Oh god chad no.he did it. Goddammit.nooo he wull run babe and shanes friendship and maybe her and pilot. ‘Assbucket’ indeed. Her an pilot are fine and i really believe her and babe will be because when she nearly gets robbed babe giver her a sympathetic smile. Not much to go on but i have hope.

Chapter 16)okay so, fav chapter, she finally spills her guts that she has anxiety basically, that she is premed with strict parents and this is scary whilst pilots lies in bed with her to relax her bc he heard her crying. He only ecoureges her slightly before going back to his bed and sleeping. My heart, i swear, soon the roles reverse and pilot will say why he is in london and all that.

Chapter 17)babe and shane bffs confired. Chad is the worst confirmed. Of course it wasnt  break up call. Of course she wants to vist. Of course pilot is to cowardly to break up and just accepts them going to paris together. Of freaking course.

Chapter 18) do not get over pilot, it wont work. Rugby guy nooooo!im team pilot how dare you kiss shane! Wow, city of glass mention. I want to make a list of every bookmentioned.

Chapter 19) pilot is not himself (obviouls) shane is worried. She is still lying to her parents an feeling bad about. Rugby guy is thankfully a no go. Pilot finds out about the kiss and guy and is clearly silently jealous. 

Chapter 20)aww shane! Im sorry pilot sucks currently. And a stupid guys trip with flat four. No. and devil chairs. 

Chapter 21)1)love the book talk.  The loneliness is kicking in, pilot man up for gods sake

Chapter 22)this red-head plain weirdo is back and going through her list like some sort of mentore. Omg!!! No. amy is here, i dont hatte her but can she not. Also, her dad…. No! (this is the stand up moment i was on about, i hope)

Chapter 23) i do not like her dad. At all. Nooo shane...no. they found out. And acted like assholes.

Chapter 24) n1!ahhhh no! Amy has her notebook. The end is nigh.im going to cry i feel like shane. 

Chapter 25) the family dinner-family outing. Niether of them manuped and shane is depressed

Chapter 26)back in america. Still hasn’t told pilot but you know it is a slow burn

Chapter 27) I, wait? Marry, some guy? Like no. I know it’s been what six years but no. I refuse.i don’t like this so called Melvin. It’s okay she doesn’t want to marry him. She goes to see pilot and finally mans up and tells him and asks if she made it and and pilot finally man’s up and tells her no she didn’t. They get stuck in an elevator

Chapter 28) the elevators doing something. Shane wants to re do London cuz she hates life

Chapter 1?) they are both back in London? Both having the same what ever is happening? 

  Chapter 2) omg. Plane lady took them back to staRt over and pilots mad about it (obv)

Chapter 3)so… they got mad but started over and I’m excited. 100%they won’t press the restart button. I’m calling it now. Cuz pilot knows he now has a chance to do the what if’s/

Chapter 4) they keep there distance but we all know it won’t last

Chapter 5) tipsy Shane? Shawarma

Chapter 6) babe thinksthere is something going on with them( again)

Chapter7)the story about fake pilot, and the kiss. Ahhhhhhg

Chapter 8)they found the button. Shane doesn’t want to go back. I do t want them to go back. They don’t go back thank god

Chapter 9) da Vinci code flirting somehow.. Shane tells him it won’t happen u less he breaks up with last Amy.

 Chapter 10) he will break up with Amy and laris is gonna happen. 

Chapter 11) so Shane is happy again, pilot broke up with amy. Shane tried to make peace with the devil chair.

Chapter 11) they are so adorable. Aswwwwewhwhehruysnwjw

 Chapter 12) Uwuwnfhueia we get more Shane and pilot flirting, 

Chapter 13) the opposite game is adorable. I like that they get to be themselves together without the awkwardness. The start of the move game. Thats my fav. 

Chapter 14) they still have the angry birds obssesion but unlike me and supercard they know when to stop.the dance ‘move’ ahh i love. The line ‘but you do.’ just shows how much they know each other and how pilot would do anything to make her smile. And the lost move (not really a move but totally a move.) once again proves their love. Also we had that plot moment where he talks about why h chose to go to london. I adore shanes rant (?) about the things she loves. And then pilot doing the same thing. Shane vs chair is my life, like i battle chairs too. 

Chapter 15) what is tfios? Ooohhh. Fault in our stars. (i googled it)i probably shouldve known by the whole always part. The dance move came back to bite pilot in the ass and now they are dancing together. Ew chad. Yes shane! That is what chad deserves. 

Chapter 16) they get intimate and gigly and happy and aaaawwwhww

Chapter 17) im glad shane still rememebers to be friends with babe and not forget her in her lovestick state currently.

Chapter 18) her postcard….the questions that haunt her so much. Sort of accepting them herself too. She finally got to do wrecking ball, they miss internship , oh no…. Start if a downall?? 

Chapter 19) shane and pilot have fallen HARD

Chapter 20) the article is off the table. Amy is there. What the hell. No. omg pilot no, you moron. THEY BROKE UP!!! Which is fair, a break is needed. They both get back on track and then try and find a balance. Hopefully. Oh her laptop….shit...the feels when all your work is just gone. Tries to reset bc she is so depressed bc she thinks she failed again. 

Chapter 21) she cant go back (thankfully) a bookstore is always a good haven to go to when your breaking down.

Chapter 22)the redemtion (?) time to try and fix everything and get back on track.the determination and the readiness to try and make everything better for herswelf, herself, and no one else is good. She makes friends with the people in her office and works harder than befire, try to get herself out of her comfort zone and experience things

Chapter 23) the confrontation with her parents. Oh god. I hope this goes well. Its going as well as it can go. Im happy shane is sticking up for her dream so she can be happy, uugh the whole dad speech of ‘i do everything for you, i know best because im older,’ i hate it. Ooohh she is making up with leo, talking ot him this time. Im happy. Leo is gay. Cool. i hate how he got broken up with becuase of his stupid family, it sucks. ‘There is no normal.’ perfect words. 

Chapter 24) her thing is in the thing!!!( also good job me with words.) her article got published (there we go)this is where she learns she can be with pilot and be successful because tracy is with a famous author and they make it work with harder schedules. Trys to talk to her parents. This time she will make there relationship work.

Chapter 25)urgh ‘you live under my roof,on my dime…’ blah blah blah. We hate controlling parents that dont see that overprotecting and controlling their childs life does more damage than good. Babe suggest self discovery trip. Babe is a grat friends. 

Chapter 26)the button thing will work…’im mad at pilot. Or am i mad at me.’ she cracked the code. She loathed herself because of her fear of failing, but because this time she worked on herself to make herself happy she no longer hates herself. Yet she still feels the same (ish) feeling that even though she worked harder and got further that she has no summer job when she gets back to the states, her parents still wont allow her choice of work.PILOTS BACK!!!!!!! She was about to press the button and he swooped in with his music.

Chapter 27) he still follows her blog and got help from babe. His speech, finished with lamppost. Where can i get a pilot?he uploaded their song. Working through the divorce thing again but it will be better because he has shane to talk to about it. Ahhh she got a job!!! Happy ending!!! My heart!!!eeeee…

epilogoue) she becomes a successful author. Her parents have accepted her and support her. Pilots a musician. He takes her to the weird plane lady and they gobe the locket back, then he makes the ultimate move. With pictures of where they fell in love he uses the beatles russain doll things to hide a ring and when she finds it she obviously says yes. And that its unfair cuz she cant top that move. 

sooo...thats it.

i really enjoyed this book. i cannot wait for her next book. this post is longwinded i apologize but oh well? again i will link my website and review as soon as its done. so far in about five hours all i have is a paragraph so it may not be as soon as i want it to be

[bigskydreaming]

I’m so mad, I’m so.....fuck. I feel like this doctor had no intention of ever doing this surgery because its like ever since I actually CAME UP with the money, its been one thing after another about why I need to do this still or that, and it feels like they kept stalling or trying to get me to give up, like....idk, nothing I come up with makes SENSE, all I know is they were perfectly fine and helpful in getting me a diagnosis and scans, and then sent me off after I did the final molds/impressions and said the only thing left was they couldn’t move forward until I paid x amount of money...and then I did, and all of a sudden its oh that’s not the right amount, I don’t know who quoted you that (umm you) but actually we need 20K up front because insurance claims can’t be submitted until after treatment and we might not be reimbursed (which again, then why did YOU make me wait to send my insurance preauthorization requests if your policy is to make patients pay in full upfront and wait for reimbursement which...what)...and THEN if there was STILL never a chance of me getting this surgery without paying in full upfront, why did they make me wait around for another week and a half while we waited on getting my insurance approve an access to care form that made this doctor in network (previously she was out of network for my insurance, but I had my insurance check for in network providers and there’s no one in network within a 100 miles of me who does this specific surgery)....like, if even being in network, they still weren’t going to take Blue Shield’s formal, written letter detailing what exactly was covered under my plan and they were intending to pay out....WHY WAIT FOR THIS FORM TO GO THROUGH AND GET THE LETTER BACK AT ALL????

It makes NO fucking sense. I feel like they never expected me to actually be able to come up with the money and idk what, like, she actually doesn’t know how to do the surgery or she doesn’t fucking doesn’t like me or want to or what like, lmfao I don’t even know, it MAKES NO SENSE.

But of course, its super obvious they were putting off calling me and hoping they could ride out the clock and I wouldn’t call today because I can tell the office manager doesn’t like being the go between and having to only give me bad news, but like, tough, that’s your fucking job, and maybe if you’d been a little less ‘gentle’ about it and just flat out admitted you guys were never gonna fucking do this surgery for me, I wouldn’t have WASTED an entire fucking month sitting on my ass, draining my account of money I can’t afford to waste, because my shitty jaw has progressed to the point where I can barely sleep, barely even eat because I have to manually fucking close it with my hand when I chew anything harder than rice, lmfao, and just....

God. The only thing I can think of to do now is try calling every other oral/maxillofacial surgeon in the county and see if they can do these procedures and accept my insurance. I know there’s no in network ones, and I already checked and my insurance can’t help me find a list of out of network ones, I have to basically just google every oral surgeon in LA and even though they’re all apparently out of network if they’re able to perform this surgery at all, I can at least probably get them in network by doing an access to care form again with them too, like since clearly this doctor turned out to not be a viable option? Idek man. Ugh. Jfc. And who knows how long this is gonna take. Ugh if they’d at least just fucking owned up to it and just called me this morning when they decided this still didn’t change shit, I could have had all day to be calling other offices instead of waiting for them to call and hoping this time at least they were aware enough of my DESPERATE FUCKING SENSE OF URGENCY BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED CONSTANT FUCKING OWWWWW AND ALSO HEY MY COMPLETE INABILITY TO FUNCTION IN ANY KIND OF MEASURABLY PRODUCTIVE WAY??? that they’d actually KEEP their word this time about calling when they said they’d call.

Now of course, none of these places are open on Saturday from the looks of it, so I won’t even be able to START calling around until Monday, and ugh. jfc. why. why the fuck did they string me along all fucking month if they knew at the end of it all no matter what, they weren’t gonna budge from trying to get me to pay 20K upfront, out of pocket, like I hadn’t told them from the START there was no way I could manage that, and hadn’t told them AGAIN when they TOOK my fucking money in the first place, when I paid them the $6,200 they INITIALLY told me would be my downpayment for this surgery, like I told them THEN that getting the loan for $10K in order to come up with the EXACT amount they specified took every bit of goodwill I could wring out of a lender with the credit I do have and there was ZERO chance of me coming up with ANYTHING more than that amount upfront....so why the fuck didn’t they tell me at least THEN when they ‘corrected’ me on the amount that it didn’t matter HOW MANY fucking hoops I jumped through with my insurance to try and get this doctor the reassurance or surety that they’d be reimbursed for x amount by Blue Shield...like....I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL THIS A GODDAMN MONTH AGO. I’ve been waiting TWO YEARS for a fix to this shit that affects EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of my life, I FINALLY got a fucking diagnosis, a doctor who told me she could fix it, who said she could restore full function and wipe out the problems I have from it completely, no more headaches, no more pain, no more vertigo, no more nerve flareups....and now turns out I’ve wasted ANOTHER full month that got me not a single fucking step closer to this being DONE and FIXED and like.....

I’m so mad. And just. So frustrated. And SO. FUCKING. TIRED. Jfc. I hate them, I really fucking do, like they literally just fucking don’t give a shit no matter how many times I really fucking calmly and civilly lol tried to express how much it gets worse every single day like it has been CONSISTENTLY for the past two years, like never fucking plateauing, no matter HOW bad I think its gotten, it ALWAYS fucking manages to find a way to surprise me when I wake up the next day and yet AGAIN its somehow managed to shift so things are just enough different I NEVER get a chance to even get used to a ‘new normal’ and just fucking adjust to it, as shitty as it might be....ugh. God. I’m just.

LMFAO I honestly think right now I hate this doctor more than the fucking gay-bashers who caused this fucking drama by kicking me in the goddamn face over and over 15 fucking years ago and if THAT’S not hysterically fucked up I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

Anyway. So that’s my mood tonight, how’s everyone else doing? LOL.

This might be a longshot, but on the off chance that ANYONE knows or is friends with or related to an oral surgeon or oral maxillofacial surgeon in the greater LA area, like, this specifically is what I’ve been told I need to get done:

I need a Mandibular splint, a Total joint surgery on the left tmj (Temporomandibular joint) and an Orthognathic surgery. They specifically ruled out that I didn’t need a jaw replacement surgery because I have enough of the original bone that goes in that joint like, still there, so I didn’t actually need to get a prosthetic joint or the jaw replacement surgery which is apparently riskier and less effective anyway? Idek. If I can even trust anything they told me at this point, lmfao, but let’s just assume I can because not sure this fucker’s depression hour can handle thinking I might have to start back from square one NOPE NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOT THIS GUY I FUCKING REFUSE.

LOL as though my objections have any fucking effect on any of this anyway. BUT I DIGRESS. So yeah, that’s what I supposedly need done, I actually have really fucking good and expensive Blue Shield insurance that I’ve gouged myself a new asshole getting and keeping this year, not to mention needed donation posts and help with that just to still ultimately scrape by and not lose it, all specifically because I knew there was not a chance in hell I could ever afford the treatment I was being told I needed, like, out of pocket, and the irony is due to how expensive living out of a motel is and how like, I couldn’t afford to take any money AWAY from my many doctor visits in order to at any point this past year come up with enough money to put first and last month’s rent down on an apartment (and I look too much like a tweaker apparently, with constant twitches and fidgets and fixing my jaw, for like, anybody to want to just rent a room to me apparently, and even giving them the full story ended up seeming like “im too much drama” hahahaha oh LA I fucking HEART you sometimes), so there was never really any fucking alternative TO living out of motels currently, at least not until I can manage to stay upright on my feet long enough to get a part time job and use that to get a permanent address around here.....AND bottom line is in order to take in enough money from work and then ultimately from help with donations too, in order to keep my motels paid daily and not get kicked out and still manage to eat at least every other day....that was just enough money that it looks from my bank account that I make too much to need or justify Medicare taking on all this for me, ruling that out as an option, even though none of that money in my bank account was ever fucking LEFT by the end of each day after paying rent/food, and I usually only had like three bucks in my account by the time I went to bed each night....doesn’t fucking matter because lolol all they give a shit about is your MONTHLY statements. And I’m well past the point where I can even manage busing all the way around LA to downtown and shit in order to make the daily trips required to get Medicare offices to eventually give enough of a fuck to hear me out, like...a five minute bus ride to Best Buy today to buy a replacement keyboard for this laptop practically wiped me out ahahaha.

Anyway, I’m just venting and purging like I do. Don’t worry, I promise not to actually go supernova and ignite the atmosphere like I threatened earlier, that was all for show, we all know I’m WAY too petty and spiteful an asshole to ever settle for anything less than full fucking victory here and then like...eventual world domination because lol not like I’m letting those frathole rapist gaybasher fuck-offs WIN, like, have you MET me? I have survived this long on ire and spite, I will make it as far as I need to its, just...

*pathetic whines*

I dont fucking waaaaaaaaaaaaant to, I’m tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired, I wanna go to beeeeeeeeed.

Anyway, yeah. So if anyone like, is related to one of those surgical types or KNOWS someone who is, like, my good fucking insurance is set up to pay for having the operation done at Cedars fucking Sinai no matter who does it, like, as long as the doctor has any kind of pre-existing relationship with them, enough to get them to book an OR for them, I guess? I still dont fucking know how all this works, apparently Grey’s Anatomy is not an accurate source, who knew, how dare.

Like but yeah, the endpoint of that particular stream of consciousness vomit was if anyone knows ANYONE who knows ANYTHING about ANY of that surgical medicalese blah blah blah that I posted, like...my anons are open, feel free to pop in with a name and number or suggestion or referral or whatever the fuck, I will take ANY connection no matter how flimsy if it exists at all, I don’t care if its your second grade teacher’s dog’s veterinarians second cousin by marriage’s roommate. That’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[ursoself-satisfying]

All Things Must Pass

this was a request!!! hes so young here wow

Joe Mazzello x F!Reader, sad/comfort fluff

A/N: i have so little time to write this was a struggle,,, i projected a lot onto this fic, using the language i use when im in a negative headspace n such so i hope it doesnt thro anyone off,,, i went thru a lot of what i felt then wrote that cus i deal w mental health issues n tried to portray what i go thru in a semi-accurate way but not one so specific its not readable u kno??? y'all that peep my references here tho get bonus points

Warnings: none rly,,, its kinda vague n sad like dealing w not discussing whats wrong n such,,,,, nothing bad tho,, not even any language wow!!! jk one language wh00ps

The warm mug in your hand didn’t improve your mood. The steam of the drink drifted up from the contents and swirled in intricate patterns near your face. You pursed your chapped lips and blinked your drying eyes. A feeling had been swelling in you for days, but you couldn’t quite identify it yet. With soft blankets curled around you and your body folded up on the couch, you pondered it again. This wasn’t an unfamiliar experience. It had been happening for years. The bite of the sharp night air bled through a crack in your draping covers and you shivered, conserving your heat by pulling further into yourself. Though familiar, this state you were in was anything but comfortable. Even if you really were comfortable like this, you wouldn’t have wanted to admit it.

The kitchen light was the only thing shining through the apartment. It wasn’t your apartment, no. This wave had to come crashing down on you when you were far from the safety of your home. This apartment was safe It belonged to your boyfriend and he made you feel safe, but he wasn’t there right now. It was just you and the sound of minuscule little droplets of rain pattering against the window. The street lights made the storm seem like a glitter against the glass, reflecting back the business of the night.

You couldn’t remember the last time you felt like this, but you had to remember it was ok not to be ok sometimes. “We naturally go through emotional highs and lows, everyone does,” she told you, “it doesn’t mean you’re broken if you feel bad- it means you're human.” ‘Remeber that,’ you'd thought, ‘remember it’s ok. You’re ok.’

Your drink smelled sweet and a little burnt. You breathed in the warmth wafting from it before slowly and cautiously tipping the cup to your lips. A hiss escaped your lips at the still scalding temperature colliding with your raw skin and you sighed. Your love of the cold weather had betrayed you and left you weak. The entire situation was stressful and tiring, and you’d cry if you could but for some horrible reason you just couldn’t.

Your mind struggled to focus on one thing at a time that had led to your current emotions but it mostly focused on the bad. Your mind was foggy and muddled and insisted on making a mental list of all the reasons your life was the absolute worst in this very moment. ‘Perhaps,’ you reasoned, ‘if I identify what's wrong, I can fix it.’

You were far from home. New York City was scary and big and loud and dirty and new to you. This was exciting and terrifying at the same time. You wanted to see everything, and Joe wanted to show it all to you, but of course, he still had work things and you were left alone. You only had so much time there and even less time with him. There was never any way you could have fit in every important place you wanted to see into the few precious hours you could share.

That led into your second reason, which was that you just desperately missed Joe. He hadn’t wanted to leave you alone,  but duty does call and he had to answer. “I love you, ok? I’m so sorry, I- I wish I could have planned for this but-”

“You couldn’t have known! It’s ok,” You’d smiled at him and he kissed you before he left. Every morning and every night and every time he had the chance, he kissed you. God, it gave you life. His face just seemed to fit into your so perfectly, like your hands were molded against his cheeks. You closed your eyes and could almost feel him there with you, his warmth keeping you sane, but when you opened your eyes, he was gone.

Maybe the third reason was that your relationship was fairly new and you were insecure in the commitment for a number of reasons- or maybe it’s just that the holiday season was upon you and that ‘seasonal depression’ was hitting you hard. There was so much to do, so much to not miss out on, and so little time to relax and actually enjoy this time of year. Joe hadn’t managed to decorate for anything yet and had actually planned to do so with you, but it didn’t look like you’d have the chance to now. There were no lights up anywhere, no festive knick-knacks up on the shelves, nothing.

‘Or maybe,’ you thought, ‘it’s not seasonal, it’s just me.’ This was a turning point and you were scared. Joe had never seen you in such a deep, naturally dark headspace before, and you had little explanation for it. There was no one thing you could blame for the way you felt. It was just- Everything. A vague yet overwhelming anxiety rolled through you that made your guts feel like they’d turned to sawdust and were swirling around inside you like you were the floor of some horrible workshop.

The lighter side of your mind spoke up, ‘Maybe that’s not such a bad comparison, I mean, you are a workshop, always tinkering, changing, evolving. You are a human bent on self-improvement. Recovery,’ the voice reminded, ‘is not linear.’

“But any step forward is a good step,” you said out loud.

“What’s that from?”

“Holy fuckin’ sh-!” Your entire body jolted violently at the surprise of the response and your drink sloshed over the sides of your mug, spilling all over your blanket. Thankfully, it was no longer hot. “God, what a- what a waste of a good cup of-” Your curses trailed off into angry murmurs and you stood before looking over at Joe standing in the entryway looking equally as startled.

He’d just come back from a meeting with a potential director for an upcoming film to be met with his girlfriend completely spaced out on the couch. She’d been sitting there for several minutes without knowing he’d come in. When he spoke and surprised her, he jumped nearly as much as she did. He went over to help her clean up the spilled drink with a soft, sorry expression. She’d already gotten up, though, and shuffled to the kitchen without really acknowledging him. Something about the situation made Joe feel sick and guilty. “I’m so sorry. I, uh,” he paused and breathed a laugh as he picked up a pillow slipping off the couch and looked at the form that had moved into the kitchen, placing the empty cup on the counter with a soft click of ceramic against marble.

His breath hitched and he forgot whatever it was he’d intended to say to her. She was cast in odd shadows from the lights of the streetlamps inside combatting with the yellow glow of from above the stove. The scene carried none of the normally blissfull air his lover had. It was sharp and contrasting, like the set of an old expressionist film. He thought she would look fit beside the likes of Nosferatu, her in her cloak of covers and tussled hair barely emerging from the makeshift hood that supported her neck. The way she’d cocooned herself reminded him of a lost child standing alone in the cold, one no passing stranger would stop to notice.

It was silent for a moment as the actor continued absorbing her aura. The cars driving about in the rain echoed through the building. The sounds of splashing through puddles and revving engines drifted by his ears. [Y/N] stared at the sink before slowly meeting her boyfriend’s gaze. They just looked at each other. Joe felt like he wasn’t even there though like she didn’t see him there. She stared through him with the same disassociated look she had when he’d walked in. His shoes suddenly became of great interest to him and dragged his attention from her to the grain of the floor. “I’m,” he gulped and raised his eyebrows in a mixture of guilt and concern, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here with you today.” He looked at her again and she finally seemed to notice him standing there.

His sad puppy dog eyes bore you down. You’d fallen so hard for them. Before you’d even learned his name, you knew him by his eyes. You forced yourself to process what he’d said and were quickly overcome with guilt of your own. “Oh- Oh, no! Joe,” you pleaded and sighed as you rushed to him with a sympathetic smile, “I’m sorry, I just, like, spaced out- I’m fine, it’s all fine.” You nodded lightly at him with a stretched smile and looked up at him with hands gently placed on his chest, holding tightly to the coat he’d yet to remove.

“I know you have to work and I could never-” You bit your lip as your mental search for words was shown through the frantic lines your eyes traced, “I never want to be an obstacle.” With a softened gaze, pleading for ease in the oddly uncomfortable situation, you continued, “I’m pretty sure I’m always gonna love you, and I’ll be here,” his mouth parted as you paused, “just for you. No matter how many dates you miss, as long as you’re doing your best.” A pitiful chuckle fell from your lips.

So early in your relationship, you weren’t sure when an appropriate time to address your current emotional state would present itself. Then again, is any time a good time to discuss something like this? You felt he deserved an explanation, at the very least, to ease him a bit from the stiff form he kept since he’d returned that night. ‘Where to begin’, you wondered. Before you could let another sad syllable drip from your clenched teeth, jaw tight in distracted thought, arms wrapped around you and a bristly cheek pressed against your own.

“This is weird.” He whispered, “Why are we weird right now?” The blankets around were nuzzled out of the way so he could bury his face in the crook of your neck. His nose pressed hard against your hot skin. You were unprepared for the contact. All you could focus on was his heavy breathing beside your ear, every exhale slipping down your back and making you shiver. Cautious hands danced up the back of his neck, barely touching the airs that stood on end from the undefinable energy surging between the two of you. Molding yourself to fit perfectly in the empty cavities of space left, you were flush against him, clinging to the back of his head and letting his arms shift under yours to support you.

“I’m bad right now.” Your voice was almost a whimper, choking you on it’s way out. It wasn’t even your voice, the words were breaths you let out at all once. Joe- You weren’t sure he understood, and you didn’t expect him to immediately. He has no context yet, no reference besides what you’d carefully revealed to him. It was never your intention to hide any of your traits or symptoms or past from him, or most anyone, really, but it wasn’t exactly a hot topic of conversation.

He’d remembered briefly her using the phrase ‘when I was bad’ once or twice when referring to her mental and emotional state, but she didn’t often talk about it. Either it was sensitive or simply private, but it was fine. He didn’t push. The last thing he wanted was to make her uncomfortable or drive her away. While respecting her privacy and her past, he still swelled with concern at the thought of not knowing. It was a loving kind of fear that filled his stomach when he’d imagined moments like this; moments where something was wrong, something was off and he was in the dark. He didn’t need a reason to love and support her, but he was unsure of how to help in the best way.

“Bad emotionally,” she started in barely a whisper, though it was louder than before, “not ‘bad’ like-” There was a hot huff of air with a small laugh behind it and [Y/N] sniffled, “not ‘bad’ like- like ‘I’ve been bad, officer’- not in a sexual way-” It was punctuated with a cottony laugh.

Joe shook his head softly and gave the girl in his arms a squeeze. His smile was wide, though she couldn’t see it. Her squeak made him laugh a little and he could feel the air around them suddenly lose about five pounds. It was easier to lift his shoulders in this new situation.

After a moment of breathing in sync, cars passing by, and rain beating rhythmically against the windows, the man broke the silence. “You don’t have to say anything-”

“You know I can’t do that, Joe.” He held onto her for a moment longer then pulled only his head back slightly to kiss her turned cheek while she was still in his embrace. In the warm kitchen light, the patterns of the blanket and the shadows of the passing headlight combined like brushstrokes on the scene and turned them into the likeness of a Klimt painting. Yellow cascading down their backs and an iconic arching connection made this art.

“If you’re bad, then let's make it better.” The words were pressed into her skin by his plush lips. Before pulling away, their hands found one another’s and gripped them tightly, like he was a rope and she was dangling over the ever looming pit of her past.

For the first time, she could feel a wetness pricking at her eyes. Without effort or dismay, she could cry. There were no sobs to accompany it, just silent streaming tears. She didn’t stop them for they were a gift. The damp streaks beneath each eye bent around her growing grin as she looked up at her lover through the filter of emotional release. Everything but the earthy brown around his pupils was a watery mess in her eyes. ‘God,’ she thought, ‘This- He is a good one. He is so- He is so beautiful.’

Joe could feel the pain in his chest as his heart shook, threatening to crack at the image of his love in such a fragile form. “Let’s just-” He could have claimed the rest of the sentence got stuck in his throat but the truth is there was nothing there to get stuck, nothing to follow what he’d started saying. “Is it ok if we just,” he took a deep breath, “be together? Would that- Would that help?”

“You already help. Being here helps.” Her voice was back now, though, physically, she didn’t look in any way improved.

Joe handled his girlfriend gently and urged her to the couch with him, pulling down onto his lap so they both laid on the piece of furniture long ways. Her bundled body blanketed his and he leaned back, letting her warm him. Struggling to slip off his coat as he kicked off his shoes, Joe also snaked his arm into a pocket to retrieve his phone. He pulled it out with a small noise of pride and held it out in front of him. “A little George Harrison makes everything better, right?” There was a sleepy hum of agreement and ‘My Sweet Lord’ played softly from the speaker of his device. He nestled into [Y/N]’s and closed his eyes. He held the phone in his hands, clasped together as his arms wrapped around the woman.

The ‘hallelujahs’ seemed in time with the weather outside as the couple drifted further from the present and into their own billowing comfort. The lights still were yellow outside, as they were inside, and the cars didn’t stop speeding through the puddles. Though you doubted the return of these feelings would stop, for now, you were content. Joe was there with you and it somehow, just his presence, made some of the sadness wash away. He was like a rain on your pity parade, saving you from any continued celebration of your own inabilities. Tomorrow, there might be explanations needed, but tonight you felt blessed. He was safe. He was warm. Your mind wasn’t racing and your eyes weren’t dry. This was better than anything you’d been feeling, anything swelling inside you the past few days. This wasn’t an unfamiliar experience, and you’d hoped it would never become one.

Glancing up at the man beneath you one last time, you smiled genuinely, bliss settling in your center, and you closed your eyes. George Harrison lulled you to sleep that night, and safely asleep you fell, holding tightly to Joe through it all, just as tightly as he held you.

[corn-on-ja-cob-s]

A cell bio major talks about “Loser, Geek, Whatever”

(Because if anyone knows how to talk about this, it’s me)

Background!: Be More Chill recently had an off-broadway production, where (amongst other changes), they added a new song! “Loser Geek Whatever” is the new Act 1 Finale, and replaces the end of “Upgrade”. Where Jeremy sings “I already know what it’s like to be the loser” in “Upgrade” the show transitions directly into this new song and the original ending of “Upgrade” (the “I tried to be genuine and true, but now it’s time for something new” part) is no longer there.

Song Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COpT7Lmfizw

Lyrics Link: https://genius.com/Will-roland-loser-geek-whatever-lyrics

I Have THOUGHTS about this song and you all get to hear them lucky you

Things I Like!

Sweet god the show needed this song. There are 3 big reasons for this:

Have you realized that Jeremy doesn’t have a solo in the entire show?  Yeah he has solo -parts- but before this song he never had a song all to himself. Even Rich has a solo! Bit of a hot take, but Jeremy should probably get a song all to himself.

From my perspective, BMC has two major plotlines in the show. One is the threat of the Squip and the other is the relationship between Jeremy and Michael. This song works more towards developing the latter story (which, for the record, I prefer; I’m not huge on the whole “zombie apocalypse” thing in general tbh even though i understand why they went that route), since without it you have a pretty big gap between “Two-Player Game” and “Michael in the Bathroom” when it comes to songs focused on developing that whole idea. Yes Upgrade in its original form still touches on developing that idea, but now we have an entire song towards it, and that allows more time.

Following off on that note, even in the orginal show the whole “Optic nerve blocking on” thing is a pretty big deal as it’s Jeremy turning on Michael in pursuit of his goals. From the original Upgrade we know that Jeremy’s doing this because he’s sick of what his life has been like until now, but we only really get two verses of deliberation. Not helping this fact is the fact that, until now, Jeremy’s desire have been pretty lowkey. “Aw shucks, being unpopular sucks I sure would like to be slightly better than I am now”. This isn’t a bad motivation, just it never seems -super- strong. With this new song, however, we finally get to see just how distraught Jeremy is over how his life is (i mean sweet fuck lines like “the problem has always been me” and “if brooke can look me in the eye like im some normal handsome guy” are fucking heartbreaking), which is something the show never really had before.

Will Roland does a rocking job mixing both “voice cracking with sadness and depression” and “fuck yeah go jeremy , achieve your dreams you funky little bean” while stille sounding so good

In general the song just does a good job drawing the audience into Jeremy’s head by making you feel for his utter despair over how he hates himself, his worry over if what he’s doing is the right thing, his defeated giving up on trying to figure things out for himself, and his excitement and relief to finally have what he sees as the solution

Following up on that last point: by making the audience feel conflicted yet happy for Jeremy (much like how Jeremy himself feels) it not only leaves wanting to see more like any act 1 finale should but it also makes Michael in the Bathroom hit even harder than it already does

Things I Didn’t Like! (this list is shorter don’t worry)

I don’t like the “woah oh oh, uh huh uh huh”s. yeah sure they sound nice, but they clash with the rest of the song thematically and lower its overall impact by mixing “emotional solo” with “hah chah chah”. It’d be like if “I Dreamed a Dream” had Fantine doing Christina Aguilera style vocalizing during it.

As much as I like Roland’s performance in this I also don’t like it since I think he goes a little bit too far in the voice cracking and the “gyu-huck imma nerd” and it ends up taking away from the emotion of the song by bordering on sounding silly (especially when he sings “the please don’t speak” in the final verse). I don’t think it’s any thing that can’t be fixed, I just think that, at least in this specific recording, he could do better.

I really love the line in Upgrade on the original recording of “now, let’s get to work” and then the spooky chords that follow. It sends chills down your spine of “oh shit things are going even more south” and at first that it wasn’t in the off-broadway, and I was bummed. But then I saw that it was and I realized that it doesn’t work following this songas well as it did following Upgrade. Like, at all (or at least the the spooky chords don’t). Might be because of the dissonance between the music of “Loser Geek Whatever” and the spooky chords, might be some other reason i can’t think of.

Things I didn’t necesarilly like or dislike but just things that I noticed, along with potential interpretations that I recognize may not be that good!

The rhyme scheme in “Michael thinkgs that weird is rad, but being weird just makes me sad, and I deserve to not feel bad” is a super simple rhyme scheme. This might just be less-than-stellar writing, but if we wanna spin it in a positive light we could interpret the simplicity of the rhyming reflecting the simplicity of the idea being expressed in the lines. When I say the idea is simple, I mean that it’s simple both in the sense of “it’s something that everyone feels and experiences and understands really early on in their lives, that idea of ‘i don’t wanna be weird and the outcast because it makes me sad’“, and it’s simple in the sense of “it’s pretty much the kernel of what Jeremy is singing about the the entire song”.

The final verse of this song, where Jeremy is listing off a bunch of insults that he’s likely heard others say about him about himself mirrors the final verse of “Michael in the Bathroom” where Michael lists off insults about himself that he’s likely heard others say about him.

The notes Jeremy sings as he holds out the final word of the song are almost identical to the final notes sung in “Be More Chill Pt. 2″, with the exception of the final note (they go up in “Be More Chill Pt. 2″ but Jeremy goes down in “Loser Geek Whatever”). The similarity between the two shows that Jeremy is being influenced by and is striving towards what the Squip has been promising him, while that small difference at the end shows that Jeremy still isn’t completely under the control of the Squip and is still able to do things unique to himself.

point of all this: I like this song and I want more like it. Thanks for reading if you got this far byyyyyyyeeeeeee

[bpd-italy]

me: i have 8/9 symptoms of bpd and the one symptom i don’t have is one i don’t even have access to because i’m only sixteen and i want to go to therapy so i can get a proper diagnosis and hopefully get treatment so i can stop ruining my own life and feeling like shit everyday.

my parents: no u just need to go outside and get some fresh air!!! u dont have bpd ur too sweet n innocent to have bpd everyone knows people with bpd are crazy psychos uwu ur normal precious baby girl just read the bible god will help u <33333

me, describing an in depth bpd symptom i have to my parents that Normal People do not deal with:

my parents: oh everyone does that honey!!! you’re normal stop trying so hard to have problems!!! not everything needs a label!!!!!

oh gee it’s almost fucking like the reason i’m so persistent on naming things is because i RECOGNIZE I HAVE A PROBLEM AND WANT TO FIX THE PROBLEM SO I CAN ACTUALLY TRY TO ENJOY THE LAST TWO YEARS OF MY CHILDHOOD I HAVE SINCE I DIDN’T GET TO WHEN I REALLY WAS A CHILD

i can literally tell my mom until im blue in the face how i have all these bpd symptoms like splitting, black and white thinking, abandonment issues, uncontrollable emotions, mood swings, fps, feeling wrong and evil, chronic feelings of emptiness, recklnessness, oversharing, spontaneous suicide attempts and self harm, paranoia, obsession with literally anybody who shows me kindness, etc. but she’s just like “oh honey youre just normal not everything needs a name!!!!!!!!!”

like oh ok i guess we dont fucking need a name for breast cancer since it’s just cancer and it’s not like it makes it easier to identify things by giving them names right???? yep mental illness consists of only depression and anxiety nothing more there’s only two categories yep uwuwuwuwu

it’s not like i lost my best fucking friend who i trusted with my life and then left me with even more trust issues and tried to kill myself three times in one week because of my bpd symptoms or anything!!! it’s not like i’ve been cutting since i was ten fucking years old and need more than just a bottle of medication and sunlight to fix my fucked up brain and years of being told i’m wrong and should die until i was convinced they’re right and genuinely can’t learn to love myself

nope it’s just depression and anxiety cause everyones got depression and anxiety and nothing else fucking matters

oh and how about next time i try to talk to you about my ocd you dont fucking go “oh honey everyone does that!!!”

no mom not everyone has fucking intrusive thoughts about having sex with children or elderly people thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL THATS WHY ITS A MENTAL DISORDER HAVING A GROSS THOUGHT SOMETIMES IS NOT THE SAME AS HAVING CONSTANT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THAT YOU KNOW YOU HATE BUT CAN’T PUSH THEM AWAY AND END UP CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO ACCOMODATE TO THE THOUGHTS OR ELSE ~SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN~ OR ~THE THOUGHTS WILL BECOME TRUE~

but no you’re neurotypical as they fucking get so it doesn’t matter what i say your psychology degree means shit in this situation and you don’t seem to get that you can’t be a therapist to a person you already know :///

my medication helped my ocd tremendously but nothing has happened to help my bpd symptoms. i haven’t even gotten a fucking diagnosis so for all i know it could be something else but i’m literally 99% positive it’s bpd and i want. fucking. therapy. some kind of medication to fix my mood swings may help but it won’t magically fucking fix my brain.

and my dad’s convinced i just need to talk to him and don’t need therapy bc “he had it worse” and “knows more pain than me” and other utter fucking superior complex bullshit why do you think i dont fucking talk to either of y’all you think since you were physically abused somehow you have it worst and nobody else is allowed to hurt lmfao if you really knew pain youd know that pain isn’t a fucking competition

all my mom does is blame the fucking computer like yes the computer contributed to my problems. 3+ fucking years ago. taking it away now doesn’t mean fucking shit it’ll just make me even more isolated than i already am since i’m fucking homeschooled and have no goddamn friends and severe social anxiety.

[way-veee]

ineedyou

                   word count: 1.7k+

rating: m

genre: drama, mystery, smut, romance, sad

warnings: dark themes, smut, talk of suicide and depression

pairing: johnny x reader

pt 2

youre an idiot, you are an absolute idiot for sitting in a convenient store next to a crying man who happened to be johnny seo. you don't know what came over you or why johnny opened up and talked to you.

but you felt something special, in the way he spoke and made you feel. hes different, you don't know why. but the coincidence of that situation is all too real to be dismissed.

 typical you, you go into a convenient store for almond milk and blackberries and walk out with some freaky connection to a member of NCT.

 you slap your forehead multiple times in sheer disbelief as the people in the coffee shop look at you with concerned expressions. several forehead slaps later you regain your composure. then sit up straight, push your glasses up your nose and fix the back of your hair.

jack kerouac seems all too boring to read at the moment, so you place the book pages face up on the table in defeat.

its been five days since the "convenient store" had happened and your mind has been askew ever since. reading and sleeping have become difficult because you cant focus or stop your brains endless regurgitation of the events.

you long for a cigarette but opt for the coffee and croissant placed at the opposite end of your table instead. because one positive aspect of enduring a time consuming  crisis is that food seemed to taste better and coffee seemed stronger.

you calm yourself by listening to the lull of violins seeping through the cafes radio.

you hear the door open and the coffee grinder start. the cold from outside circulates the café and sends a sharp chill up your leg, you reach over to put your book in your bag but find a figure standing beside you instead. you jump up almost hitting them in the head. 

"jesus!"

you look up to find johnny beside you yet again.

"jesus!"

you say again. your heart is galloping in your chest. you calmly slip the book into your bag and try to regulate your heart rate.

 "sorry, i saw that you were here and i just wanted to say hi and maybe talk about a few things."

"yes of course" you reply motioning  for him to sit.

you don't really understand why hes here. you thought youd never see him again, him being a celebrity and all, but here he is none the less.

"sorry for intruding but I just had to see you again." you nod still confused.

johnny is too, but hes been thinking of you and believes the best way to get over you is to talk everything over and hopefully leave this coffee shop with a peaceful conscience.

"so?" you start unable to think of anything else.

 "first I just wanted to say im not who you think I am." you look straight into johnnys eyes to see If hes joking, but hes not. he really thinks that you don't know who he is. people thought you were stupid, but this? just embarrassing.

"okay well here it goes," johnny says genuinely concerned. you try to supress your laughs.

"im actually johnny seo, from NCT." his eyes widen, nervous as he looks into yours, you don't even blink.

 "im y/n." you reply holding your hand out to shake.

"from this city"

you add with a light smile. he tilts his head in surprise that you weren't at all effected by his big news.

that was ten minutes of practicing that neither himself, nor his mirror would ever get back.

he slowly shakes your hand. he doesn't ask if you knew, but he gathers that you did and prays that his face isn't turning as red as he feels. you seem so oblivious to who he is and act completely normal around him, now even a little rude.

 almost no normal people acted like that around him.

 "okay, now that that's over with," he chuckles lightly. "I just wanted to talk about the convenient store." you nod, wanting to address that as well.

 " first off thank you, I don't know what I would've done if you weren't there. I was in a bad place, and, well..." he trails off staring at the ground no doubt reminiscing what had happened. you wait for him to continue.

 "something had happened before, and I just couldn't take it anymore, and then that happened. im pretty embarrassed now actually, but... I- I really don't think I could of avoided it."

his voice grew softer and softer, his tone reminded you of her yet again. trying to comfort him, you speak,

 "one. don't feel embarrassed, what happened happened, im glad I could be there, and who gives a shit anyways. two, you don't have to thank me. I did that because I wanted to and you helped me a lot too."

 he tilts an eyebrow unconvinced.

 "hey, believe it or not people can be in a bad place. just not look it." you say probably too firmly. 

he throws his hands up in mock defence which thankfully lightens the mood. you smile lightly.

"okay fair enough," johnny nods slowly then speaks.

"i don't think ill ever be in the place i was when you found me, but i do think i still want to be with you. if-if youre okay with that?"

he looks at you in question hoping to god you don't say no. he didn't mean to ask to see you again, but once the two of you started talking he knew he had too ask. you nod your head.

 "no i'd actually like that very much, can i give you my number?" you question in a slight high pitched voice, no doubt from nerves.

"strictly for our business agreement of course," you add.

 he laughs and pulls his phone out of his back pocket and hands it to you. you shakily type in your number, then hand him his phone back. johnny tries to hide his blushing but is sure his ears are giving him away.

"oh soot, i have a rehearsal that was postponed to later tonight. i better get going."

 "oh yea that's fine i uh hope you have fun." you say all too quietly.

 "i'll text you soon!" he beams as he runs out definitely late.

"sure!" you trail off unsure if he heard you. you pull your fingers through your hair wondering how many phone numbers johnny has given out, and why it upset you that he had to leave so soon. 

you hear your phone buzz and pull it out of your bag. anyone else sitting around you would of found it weird that you were stupidly smiling into the screen of your phone. but you could care less, because the notification was a text that read:

"how's tuesday night at my place?"

god, hes slick now? you never would of thought. you also never would of thought that youd reply:

"ya sure! ill be there for 8:30. but don't worry we wont go past your bed time :)"

god, what are you going to do with yourself.

pt.3

note: im pretty inept and don't know how to use technology so I hope I did the link right :/