#oh and sometimes i try to convince myself you guys actually all hate me and only follow me because you think i'm so pathetic it is laughable

[strniohoeee]

Envious

Pairing: Chris Sturniolo X Female Reader (chubby reader)

Synopsis: Y/N just hates her body, and although the triplets try to make her feel better some hate comments get to her. But Chris is there to make her feel better🫂

Warnings⚠️: None she cute asf or whatever 🤭

Song for the imagine: Jealousy, Jealousy-Olivia Rodrigo

I’m so sick of myself

I’d rather be, rather

Anyone, anyone else

I hated how scrolling through instagram made me feel. Perfect bodies, white teeth, long healthy hair, perfect boyfriends…..just everything I’ve ever wanted. I tried not to fall down this rabbit hole, but it never worked out.

I would scroll and scroll until I felt physically sick. I would then exit out of instagram and stare at myself in the mirror pointing out everything I hated about myself. My skin oily and acne prone, my hair boring, my eyebrows too thin and light, my lips not big enough, my nose huge, my body disgusting. I hated my body with a burning passion.

Curves are good but not my curves. My curves are considered fat and unattractive.My breasts too big, my stomach not flat…bending over and seeing “rolls” God I fucking hated it. My thighs too big, my ass not fat enough….it's brutal. I'm not sure why it mattered what my body looked like. I also wasn’t sure why I cared so much about what people thought of me. I hated it, and I tried to hide myself away and shelter myself from any mean comments.

I tried not to be in the triplets videos because I saw the way some of these “fans” treated Madi, and that girl is perfect��.I could only imagine what they would say about me. They even body shamed Chris and it was insane to me. They talked about it in a video saying that body shaming was disgusting and it doesn’t matter what people look like, we're all humans and all our bodies are different. I agreed, but I couldn’t believe these things about myself.

Chris so badly wanted to film a TikTok with me because we both were wearing the same FreshLove shirt, and black pants, and at first I rejected it, but after some convincing I decided to film it with him. I sucked it up and decided to have fun with my friend.

“Okay let’s do the “she wish there were two of me” trend, and like I’ll say it, and then stick my hand out and you’ll slide into frame and high five me” he said

“I love that trend, let’s do it” I said laughing

He set up his phone and started recording, lip syncing

“Walk in that Bih with with that Loui V” he said, and then looked over at me backing away from the camera

“She say she wish there were two of me” he said backing up and high fiving me as I came into frame

We started dancing, and he slung his arm over my shoulder “she fuckin, she know what she doing, B” We sang laughing and dancing

We finished filming and he posted the TikTok. For once I actually wasn’t scared of him posting me because I genuinely felt cute in my outfit today. My FreshLove shirt was cropped and I had my favorite pair of flare leggings on.

“I finally got you to film with me” he said jumping around

“Yeah that's a one time occurrence” I said laughing

“Oh come onnnn so many people want you in more of our videos” he said looking at me

“Yeahhhh, but I don’t know sometimes your guys fans are a little mean” I said looking down

“Yeah well fuck those haters those aren’t fans” he said scoffing

Later on that night Chris, Matt, Nick and I were in their living room playing board games while some random movie played in the background. We were all having a great time until I got a text message, I looked at my phone to see my best friend texting me

My baby🥹

-Hey babes….Im not sure that you’ve seen the comments under Chris video with you, but they’re disgusting and don’t let that shit get to your head

My heart sank immediately, my breathing getting shallow, my throat constricting and my palms getting sweaty. What the fuck is she talking about….

I opened up TikTok and went to Chris' video opening up the comments….my mouth instantly going dry

-“I know she didn’t crop a FreshLove shirt when she’s fat🤣”

-“I hope Chris isn’t dating her, that's actually sad….he must be desperate😗”

-“Why does she think she’s so hot??? Like what am I missing LMFAOOO”

-“oh that’s not- LMFAOO WHAT IS THIS GIRL DOING”

-“makes sense why she isn’t in the video anymore….she really let herself go”

-“Is that Y/N??? When did she gain so much weight??”

These comments made my stomach churn, and my face burn with embarrassment. The one day I feel cute I’m completely torn apart by these so called “fans”

“Chris you have to take that video down of us” I said looking at him

“What?? Why I love it” he said

“Just take it down” I said

“I love that video too don’t delete it” Nick said

“I don’t want it up” I said avoiding eye contact

Matt pulled out his phone to open the video, he opened the comments and immediately his eyes were saddened

“What the fuck” he said scrolling through the comments

Chris snatched the phone from him reading the comments

“This is fucking disgusting….Y/N don’t believe this shit okay” he said looking at me

“How can I not? These are things I see too, and to have your followers point them out is making me feel disgusting” I said

“None of this shit is true okay” Nick said looking at me

“I just want to be left alone right now” I said standing up

I went down to Chris’ room where I would stay when I spent the night. I laid on his bed. Letting the comments replay in my head. My heart racing and my breathing getting deep……I was starting to have anxiety about the comments and slowly I allowed myself to cry

The tears just flowed like a stream. I tried not to let these comments get to me, but it’s hard when people are judging you on the internet and they don’t even know you. I was letting out choked sobs, trying to cover my mouth to control my sobs. This was so unfair.

I heard the door open, so I figured it was Chris. He shut the door behind him, and sat at the end of the bed as I cried

“I know you don’t want to talk and that’s okay, but I want you to listen to me” he said

“I know it’s hard to not believe what people are saying on the internet, trust me I do, but I want you to know that those comments are from a bunch of children being haters okay. None of that shit is true at all. You’re a beautiful, funny and kind souled person” Chris said

I started to calm down, allowing my tears to stop, and trying to control my breathing.

“You don’t have to change for anyone okay. Stay true to yourself. You are amazing and don’t let these haters behind a screen get to you” he said rubbing my leg

“Thank you Chris” I said in a whisper

“Of course Y/N. I’m always here for you” he said smiling at me

I wiped my eyes and began to sit up

“Follow me” he said getting up, I got up and followed him to his bathroom

“What are you doing?” I asked

He walked into the bathroom and turned the lights on

“You’re going to stand in the mirror and look at yourself, you’re going to point out what you find unattractive about yourself, and I’m going to tell you why they’re beautiful” he said standing behind me, and placing me in front of him

“Chris no…” I said looking at him through the mirror

“I’m not letting you leave till you do it” he said shrugging his shoulders

“Ugh fine” I said looking in the mirror, at my swollen eyes, the tears down my face and my lips swollen

“Let’s start with your hair” he said

“I hate it…..it’s boring it’s flat it’s ugly” I said

“Wrong! It’s beautiful. It’s long and shiny and you take the best care of it. It always smells so good” he said looking at me

I just looked at him blushing slightly

“Go on” he said nodding his head

“My eyebrows…they’re so thin and light….and my eyes the color is ugly” I said

“Wrong again! Your eyebrows shape your face beautifully, and your eyes are gorgeous. The way the sun hits them and they sparkle, and the way your lashes are so long and showcase your eyes beauty” he responded

“Do we have to keep going?” I said blushing

“Yes you must” he said

“I hate my lips they aren’t big enough, and I hate my teeth and my smile” I said

“Your lips are pretty. Always glossed, always plump and full. And your teeth….your smile is my favorite thing” he said

“Are you flirting with me?” I said

“I may be” he said giving me a sly smirk

I started to smile and roll my eyes

“Look at that beautiful smile” he said pointing at me

“Chris shut up” I said giggling

“Keep going” he said nodding

“Uhh I hate my boobs they’re too big” I said avoiding eye contact

“Umm I’m going to be careful with my words here, but uhh a real man will never complain about big tits, and I happen to be a real man” he said looking at me making a funny face

“I like how you say you’re going to be careful with your words, and then say some crazy ass shit” I said laughing

“I meannnn I could say something way worse, but I’ll keep that for another time” he said winking

I rolled my eyes at him

“I hate my stomach” I said fidgeting with my hands

“Remember when we went to that museum, and we saw all those sculptures of Aphrodite and those renaissance women and they all had bigger stomachs. Well there was a reason, bigger women were the beauty standard at one point, and the most powerful beautiful women were on the thicker side. I think a woman with meat on her bones is hot. I mean I love all women, but the thicker the better” he said

I just stared at him in awe as I blushed

“Keep going” he said

“I hate my thighs, and the fact that my ass isn’t as fat as it should be” I said

“Let me tell you something, thick thighs save lives, and I live by that okay. The bigger the thighs the better, and so what if you don’t have this crazy huge ass. Your ass is great. I’ll be vulnerable here…I sneak a look any chance I get” he said throwing his hands up in defense

“You creeper” I said laughing

“I can’t help it. When there’s all this woman in my face I just go dumb” he said looking over my body

“You have a way with words” I said sucking my teeth

“It’s all honesty though. Like I said you’re beautiful inside and out, you’re a kind soul, you’re nice, you’re funny, you’re hot….I mean you’re everything a man could want” he said

He came up behind me wrapping his hands around my waist and squeezing me tight, laying his head on shoulder

“Never let anyone tell you otherwise” he said looking at me through the mirror

“Okay” I said in a whisper

“Now give me that beautiful smile” he said pouting

“Shut up Chris” I said laughing

“There it goes!! My favorite” he said smiling with me

He turned me around and pulled me in tighter

“You’re amazing I can’t stress that enough” he said

“Thank you Chris” I responded pulling away from the hug

“Let me take you on a date” he said looking at me

“Okay, yeah I’d like that” I said getting shy

“Don’t get shy on me now Y/N” he said lifting my head up with his chin

“Lets go out tomorrow” he said looking at me

“Sure Chris” I said smiling

He smiled at me before wrapping his arm over my shoulder pulling me in and kissing my cheek

“Now let’s get back to having some fun” he said as we walked out his bathroom and he shut the light off.

We went back up to the living room where we continued to play games and watch movies. These guys were amazing…especially Chris

The End

Alright guys I hope you liked this one 😚 and I honestly think I’m going to open up my requests because I’m all out of ideas as of rn😭 LOVE YALLLL🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[bleedchan]

my steam review for ButtKnight, an anime porno game that just had a demo released.

it's called: a way to not have to see the men too much? lol

jesus, straight westerners are the worst. they're so scared of seeming gay that even when they can draw hot anime girls, they make the guys look absolutely disgusting, like, as a joke or something.

i really like how the girls look. i wishlisted this game because of it, despite having my brother on my steam, lol. and yet when i started it up and was greeted with ButtKnight on the splash screen and his chin looks like a butt and the throne armrests look like butts i just went like, "uch," instinctively. like, i couldn't stop myself.

i'm sure a bunch of people *like* the sense of humor this game – it's called ButtKnight, after all! and even if you skip the story, you're presented with a tedious unskippable tutorial that spoonfeeds you the advanced gameplay concepts of a shmup with a shoot button, a slash button, and a bomb button – but is mostly an excuse to force you to experience the borderlands-tier western indie game dev humor. oh hehe ButtKnight fell over and you see his butt now!

it's just this pervasive feeling of like, i guess the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ joke's on me, huh? you're making me sit through your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ randy pitchford wannabe resetera tier standup, you're putting ButtKnight's face with his butt chin xD on my hud at all ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ times in case i get too shy about the idea of having a boner about anime girls while A Man is present.

i'm not sure where the developers are from, but as bad as brown hair main character kun is in every harem anime and porn game ever, at least he isn't actively trying to make my penis softer by looking sooo comedically ugly and being called ButtKnight (maybe when you beat the game it goes way to go ButtKnight! and you see him having sex with all the girls!) and being on the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hud at all times lol. sometimes it feels like French people are the worst for this, to the point many seem to have a straight up fetish for ugly men. are the developers French..? just a shot in the dark.

anyway, i want to like this game so badly. it's like 80% of the way to being amazing, and then they smear dog poopy all over parts of it because they started feeling too panicky about the idea of like working on a horny video game without making it seem like this big stupid joke and having mr magoo at all times on the hud like doomguy to occasionally slide in and say something like claptrap and then fart.

so i guess i'll tepidly recommend it, but with a disclaimer. lol. but i mean the game isn't out yet. maybe you could make a teehee funny joke option that censors all the men's faces with mosaics, or replaces them with stuffed animals, or you could pay an actual japanese porn artist to make alternate art for all the men? can we all convince the developers this would be really funny before the game is actually released?

again, it's almost amazing. i want to like it so bad. maybe you could just put a helmet on all the men.

EDIT: lol, im glad theres a demo because i had it paused to write this, and when i started playing and saw the rotating buttknight head on the loading screen and ButtKnight got a powerup and i saw his butt more xD i said out loud to myself "i literally can't play this" and closed it immediately. it's a bold choice artistically and i respect that they're going for it despite it losing them sales, as an artist, but i also hate it. they could have made him look like jump king!

EDIT EDIT: for more enjoyment, go back and read this in trevor from gta 5's voice.

EDIT EDIT EDIT: JESUS JUST MAKE THE *PLAYER* A HOT GIRL TOO!!! WHY ISNT THE BUTTKNIGHT A HOT GIRL??? ITS SO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ OBVIOUS!!! EVERYONE WOULD LIKE IT MORE!!! IF YOURE SO SCARED TO SEEM GAY THAT YOU CANT DRAW GUYS THAT ARENT TOTALLY DISGUSTING JUST DRAW GIRLS SINCE YOURE GOOD AT THAT!!! ♥♥♥♥ SAKE!!! AAAAA!!!

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT: you know, for a game called ButtKnight, there's sure a lot of focus on boobs.......... i bet you see buttknights butts on various parts of his body more than you see girls asses, honestly. again, it's so close to being ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ amazing, and overall if i'm being objective – like, not taking into account how frustrated i am that the overall thing is unplayable for me – the game is maybe 75% amazing. the gameplay seems cool, mechanically! the art is objectively high quality! they just smeared dog poopy on 25% of it, and the smell of that 25% is so bad i'd rather go play like a japanese porno game that doesn't have *any* dog poopy.

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[touyubesposts]

Holy shit, The mind electric by Chonny Jash makes my Sander Sides hyperfixation hit DIFFERENT-

Especially if you look at the heart segment as Patton and Janus, The mind section as Logan and Virgil, and the soul segment as Roman and Remus.

To further my point, here are some actual lyrics from the song ((with notes by me)):

The Heart segment:

But as complacency settles, anxieties will rise

And part this Soul as Jekyll parted Hyde

Now I’m but half of a hollow man’s lies:

The love, the hate, the еmotional side

((LIKE BROO???? Janus and Patton talking about doing nothing will just make Virgil be anxious and talking about how Thomas has them seperated))

“I know I’m weak. I know that I’m vile

But sometimes that is needed to survive.”

That’s what I’ll say to rationalize

“I’m needed if we’re to stay alive.”

((Janus trying to convince himself he is needed))

And yet, here I lie with black, sunken eyes

My Mind’s consigned our sighs to a leaden void

The Soul remains tempered. I remain plied

Condemned ‘til we are both all but destroyed

((Patton sad that Logan and Virgil are convinced that emotion is not needed, convinced that this will do more bad than good.))

But I know that one plus one can’t equal two

If happiness is both our truths

Our total sum must equal one if we’re to find that golden hue

((Basically like ‘Hey, guys! We need to be apart of this whether you like it or not!’ Also trying to convince the others that happiness is the ultimate goal.))

See how The Mind tricks The Soul

Into being something sickly, dead and cold

As you feel it start to tire and fester so, so slowly

Up until the point where it will finally die

Just in time to see what could have been

((Talking about Virgil and Logan trying to convince Roman and Remus to be on their side?? Also talking about how this is a bad idea because they could pass opportunities. God, I need an animatic and I need it now-))

Do what you want, you automaton freak

No, I can no longer bring myself to care

This hollowed out vessel’s beginning to creak

So take control, let’s see how you fare

((Janus being sassy before the Parts change? Iconic.))

The mind segment:

Resident Heart is feeble and frail

A scourge to purge; due diligence is all

Silent, sad outbursts, inaudible wails

Dictate he never does as he’s told

((Logan and Virgil talking about Patton? Mad he’s doing his job and has emotion, talk about projection.)

Fathers of fathers, brothers of sons

Deterred from being what they know they can

All because Heart refuses to run

This creature hardly resembles a man

((Once again, these boys trash-talking Patton, but now also bringing the ‘sons’ into this (R&R)))

My logic is the absolute

His pity parties simply harm these chances at an apt repute:

Esteemed regard in place of mockery

((Logan talking about the others and how he needs to be listened to more))

I’m sure it seems from his point of view

That I’m a simple, cynical machine

But is it so hard to see the whole truth?

I merely seek a Soul that’s pristine

((Virgil talking about Janus and how he only wants the best for Thomas))

See how The Heart plays profound

(See how he lies.)

But the depth is insincere

A pathetic, thin veneer

All the pain, regret and fear still resound

((Just more L and V talking shit, but more specifically critiquing on how Patton and Janus both think they know best when they don’t))

Though I seem harsh in all my assessments

We each seek a life lived in the light

Yet, there lies our Heart, engulfed in resentment

Stubborn, pale akaryocyte

((Logan being like ‘yeah, I was a little harsh, but I’m not gonna fucking apologize because something needs to be done.’ Also equated ‘having emotions’ as having a ‘virus’ because that's what akaryocyte means))

The soul segment:

Call me The Soul or call me my name

Oh, label me whatever you would like

Call me your host or call me insane

If that will help you stay in line

((Basically an introduction, but also why I put Remus as the soul because he would be like ‘Yeah, I’m insane, sure, but it works, doesn’t it?’))

Fathers of fathers, I know that I’m vile

Let’s see how long it takes to murder me

Neither is wrong, yet neither is right

Condemn him to the infirmary

((Remus basically knowing his job is to be terrible and telling Patton “hey, I’m the exact opposite of you. And if you hate it so much, kill me.” While Roman is like “both sides have points, but I don’t know who to choose”))

I. Am. Me.

((You can’t tell me this isn’t all of them shouting this at the same time. They a frustrated bunch.))

See how the brain plays around

And it splits what once was whole down into three

And you fall inside a hole, inside a

Someone help me

Understand what’s going on behind my eyes

Doctor, I can’t tell if I’m not me

((The creativity twins both mad at Logan and Virgil for digging deeper into the psyche, trying to make sense of things.))

See how they fight all day

The other half won’t hear what’s had to say

It’s just the game they play here in this labyrinth maze

((Do I... Do I need to over-analyze this line? I feel like this one does the job for me))

Tridential regicide

I won’t hesitate to kill my Heart and Mind

I will abdicate these deviants sat inside

I’ll take you down in tandem when this rope is tied

((Basically both of them saying ‘this fighting is gonna kill me and, in turn, us.))

And this was a lot longer than I intended. And there are parts I didn’t even get to! Please listen! God, it's so good.

[dumb-hat]

Tagged!

@thefreelanceangel smacked me with this thing, and I happen to be sitting here, looking at it, right at the moment when I'm both restless and bored and can't think of anything to read or do, so... yeah, okay, why not? Been a bit since I've done one of these things.

1. Are you named after anyone?

 Kinda.

So, the original plan was to name me after my father, but it turns out there was another guy in town with his name, and Dad, like... he hated that guy, and the thought that people might meet little baby me and think that I was that guy's kid just grated on him, so they named me after his best friend, but gave me Dad's middle name.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I don't remember the last time I did a whole-ass, full-on cry, but I probably furrowed my brow and tried to stoically choke down a swell of tearful emotion while watching fucking Ted Lasso yesterday.

Same thing with Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 3 the other day.

It used to be that like, I'd get fairly emotional about real life stuff, but not so much with media. Sure, it would have an effect on me, but that effect just didn't, like... go anywhere, if that makes sense. These days though, if I'm being honest? I will almost cry at the drop of a hat.

3. Do you have kids?

Nah. The cats are enough.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I think I use, like, a normal amount of sarcasm, whatever that is.

I really appreciate sarcasm, especially well-crafted sarcasm. It doesn't take much to just, I dunno, meanly say the opposite of how you actually feel about something, but good sarcasm can be an absolute delight.

When I was younger, I did an awful lot of the former, all the while confusing it for the latter. I won't say I always get it right now, but I try to do it less as a knee-jerk reaction, especially around people who might not know me as well... But I can't help it, and sometimes I show my ass.

If anything, I'm more likely to lapse into bathos than sarcasm.

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

Tee ball and coach pitch when I was a little, tiny kid. I was really bad at it, but Dad wanted me to do it, and it meant I got to hang out with him, even if I was terrified the entire time I was out there.

That's it, unless you want to count a few summers during/right after high school where my friends and I got really into Ultimate frisbee and started a league with teams and shirts and everything.

I, uh... I for one would rather not count that, if that's alright.

6. What is the first thing you notice about other people?

Honestly, it really just depends on how I meet them, you know? Is it an online thing? An in-person thing? A party? A concert? A convention? Work?

I guess I could say that I get a pretty strong gut reaction to people right off the bat, no matter the context. I'm pretty good about giving myself room to adjust how I feel, but there's definitely a quiet, ongoing vibe check that I notice first thing, if that counts.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

This feels like a false dichotomy.

For years, I thought I didn't like horror, but then I realized that I had just been convinced that I didn't like horror. Turns out, I really like it, I'm just kind of specific about it.

I like happy endings, but sometimes I'm put off when things are just a little too pat, you know?

So, uh, yeah. I like both. This doesn't feel like an either/or for me.

8. Any special talents?

I kinda wanna say 'no,' but that's not really a fun answer, is it?

So, okay. Here's a fun one: One day when I was like, 17 or 18, I was sitting at my grandparents' computer, waiting on something to download for a class project, I saw one of those... Oh, I don't know what they're called, like... one those, uh, letter spikes? You know, it's a spike that sits upright on a desk and you impale letters on it?

Yeah. One of those.

Anyway, I saw it there, and I still don't know why I did this—chalk it up to that ADHD impulsiveness, I suppose—but I took the thing and just, like, slid it into my nostril. I expected resistance, but didn't really find any, so I just kinda, you know, kept going.

I slid the thing in—straight back, mind you! Not up!—until I felt it touch the back of my sinus cavity. It wasn't long before I was showing this off to anyone I could, using progressively more impressive-looking nails. I started keeping a nose nail handy just so I could do the impromptu human blockhead thing on demand at parties and stuff.

Uh, does that count?

9. Where were you born?

Nowhere good, I tell you what.

10. Do you have any hobbies?

I do a lot of tabletop RPG stuff. I'm coming up on session 8 of an Exalted game, which is a lot of fun. I ran tons of it back in the day, but I haven't touched it since like, '11, but it feels good to be running it again. Feels kinda like home.

I play some video games, too. I find that the interest is always there, but the actual doing of it waxes and wanes, and boy, is there a lot of waxing right now. Just... a lot of fun stuff coming out. Lots I want to play.

I, uh... should probably log into FFXIV sometime soon. Get caught up. Take screenshots. Roleplay. Sort inventory. Manage retainers. Anything, really.

Honestly though, I really love making terrariums. I always thought it was kind of neat, but I started watching terrarium videos on YouTube as kind of a Bob-Ross-Moment-of-Zen-Unwind-and-Destress kind of thing while I was working a super-stressful job, and then it just kind of turned into my pandemic hobby. I love it, but I haven't made anything in a while, since I'm low on a few supplies. This is a good reminder to change that, though!

11. Do you have any pets?

I do! Two cats and a leopard gecko. The cats are 17 and 11. The leopard gecko is... at least 16, but could be years older than that, as he was kind of a rescue situation. He's slowing down a lot and getting really fussy, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit worried about him, but I reckon he's had a good run.

12. How tall are you?

5'10? 5'11? Depends on my posture, I guess.

13. Favorite Subject in School:

Depends on what kind of school we're talking about.

In grade school, it was usually science, sometimes social studies.

In high school, I took whatever *-as-literature classes I could, but my favorite classes were probably actually World Cultures and Sociology.

In college, I double majored in Anthropology and Linguistics. My favorite class was probably Sociolinguistics, but I was pretty good at Phonetics and the Anthropology of Science Fiction course I took as an undergrad was a ton of fun.

Okay, I guess it doesn't actually depend. Most of that can be boiled down to "I like people, and I like words, and I like what people do with words."

14. Dream job?

As much as I'd love to be pithy and say something like "I don't dream of labor," Baldwin said it better than I could ever hope to.

I don't think I have a dream job. I just kinda wanna do stuff and then have time to, like, not do stuff, you know?

That said, as I get older, I do find myself daydreaming about all kinds of things that feel like they'd be fulfilling now, but didn't even cross my mind when I was in a better position to do something about it more easily.

For all the time I spent staring at the architectural mock-ups in the halls at college, I could have at least taken an intro class, right?

I spent a large chunk of my life thinking I had no interest in making things or putting things together before realizing how much I loved the thin line between frustration and cursing, and elation and satisfaction that comes with repairing something, just because I was told that wasn't the kind of thing guys like me did. Also, uh... Having a half—or even quarter!—decent set of tools (rather than whatever you can find around the house) really, really helps.

So, yeah. I dunno. I'm getting older and still figuring out what I want to do, which is kind of a pain in the ass for an old guy that's long past all the college and "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" part, but I guess that's alright.

Wait. No. I wanna be a garden hermit. Surely, that's still a thing somewhere, right?

15. Eye Color?

Blue.

I'm not tagging anyone because... I dunno, I don't wanna. But hey, feel free to steal this and do it and tag me back so I can see it. That sounds like fun.

I've got an OOC blog over at @justlikethefish. In theory, that's where I talk about stuff like this. In practice, it's mostly like, cats and memes, and the occasional two-sentence post about whatever tabletop game I'm running, or whatever. Oh, and just about every Calvin & Hobbes post I come across.

[22degreehalo]

Imagine if aces and aros talked about gay people the way gay people talk about us.

"Don't forget: gay people are totally valid and they are welcome in the AIQ community!!! 😊 Sure, they might not experience aphobia like aces and aros do, but people shouldn't have to prove they're Oppressed Enough[tm] to be included! :)"

"To be honest, hating on gay people makes no sense to me at ALL lmao. Like aphobia I get, but for a straight person to insist that everyone MUST get a partner NO MATTER WHAT, and then throw a fit because it's the wrong kind of partner?! I don't know man, I just think it's only control freaks who could really be bothered, yknow?"

"And after 'Demi-Aces and Demi Gods' we are proud to announce our first ever gay panel! It's called "GG: homosexuality 101" and it'll answer any questions you might have about what it's like to be gay (no, they aren't all polyamorous!) ending with a rousing discussion about the place of the G within the AIQ+ community as a whole. Following that, we have 'Asexual fashion history'..."

"Oh my god I am SO tired of homophobia discourse. Like my guys literally NONE of this matters in the real world. Just log off and interact with your real-world community and touch grass, okay?"

"Um... no offence, but why is talking about gay people so important to you? We're discussing aspec oppression and you're very obviously derailing. :/ like it is just NOT the same thing. If you want to talk about gay issues (like I get that it could feel uncomfy when people expect you to have a different kind of partner than you want) make your own post, please."

"Oh, I get this question a LOT haha! Don't worry, it is SUPER common for young aspecs to invent gay attraction in an attempt to repress their own aspecness! If you ever decide that that's what happening, and you were just dealing with internalised aphobia, it's okay! You're still a valid aro/ace <3'

"But like. How... would 'homophobia' even work lmfao. Like you're being restricted from couples' benefits by?? Being in a couple the wrong way???? Literally nobody is going to throw you out of your home for having a child with your partner. 🙄 So unless you can provide ANY evidence that gay people are oppressed FOR BEING GAY (i.e. lacking m/f attraction AND having same-gender attraction SIMULTANEOUSLY) then uhhh maybe you should stop talking over people who are ACTUALLY oppressed. (No corrective rape doesn't count lmfao that is literally just aphobia.)"

"Welcome to AIQ pride 2023!!! Gays and lesbians are allowed but y'all are on thin fucking ice 🤪 Ugh it's just a joke lmfao. It's not serious. Jesus I wish y'all WERE oppressed sometimes, maybe you'd have an actual sense of humour 💀"

"Ummmm sorry, but can you take down your post? This celebrity is REALLY important to the aspec community and I really don't appreciate you implying he could be gay :/ Like he literally already said he doesn't like girls. What more do you want lmfao he's aroace. Why is it so important for you to erase that and force him into an amatonormative relationship? Creepy 😬"

"Sorry but I'm just not comfortable seeing talk about 'homophobia' on my post. I repressed my aroaceness for a really long time by trying to convince myself I was gay and it was super traumatic for me. But even if I hadn't you should've known how this reblog might come across to any young aspecs struggling to accept themselves."

"DNW: gay/lesbian characters. No offence but they're always boring ass issue fics written by teenagers trying to prove how Progressive they are. It's always so ridiculously forced and ooc. Like who CARES if you're gay anyway lmfao just go to a bar and have Good Allo Sex or something, you ain't special."

"Mmmm personally, I think that 'homo' and 'hetero' are more like modifiers, really...? I mean, what matters most is whether or not you're actually IN a relationship. The kind of relationship itself just doesn't really matter all that much. I mean, that makes sense, right? 'No shirt' is a wayyy bigger difference from 'blue shirt' than 'red shirt.' So personally I think homosexuality is valid but it's not an identity, it's just a modifier for allosexuality. :)"

"...ugh, look, what's probably going on here is there's some kind of confounding variable at work, like gay people are more likely to be younger (since it's a pretty new identity) so of course their overall wellbeing is lower. That's just logic. But it just doesn't make sense for gay people to be oppressed: they have their identity validated by straight people all the time. So unless you can explain how you can be constantly validated, but still oppressed, these numbers mean nothing."

[casspurrjoybell-20]

FOOLS - Chapter 52 - Part 2

BOOK ONE: The 'Fools Fall in Love' Trilogy

*Warning Adult Content*

Samuel Moretti

Suddenly the door swung open and I stood up right as Noah stepped out of Miss Adams' office.

We locked eye contact and I felt my lungs give way as my breathing stopped.

"Sam," Noah said, looking surprised and confused to see me.

"Hey," was all I could lamely muster out.

Noah opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

"Sam. Come right on in. Sorry for the wait," Miss Adams said, all chipper but I ignored her as my eyes were still locked on Noah's.

"I'm sorry. I have to go," I muttered then ran out of the office foyer.

I sprinted down the hallway until I was busting through one swinging door to the gender neutral bathroom.

Leaning again the back of the restroom wall, I thought I was going to cry.

It was like my brain malfunctioned when I saw Noah and hear him say my name.

The only solution was to run away from him.

Sure, I sometimes saw Noah in class or in the hallway but he hadn't spoken a word to me since that night in my car and hearing him breath out my name like that, made me weak.

What was wrong with me?

I looked up when the door swung open and Noah hesitantly walked in.

"Hey," Noah said, keeping great distance between us.

"How'd you know I was in here?"

Noah smirked slightly.

"You're not a fast runner, Sam."

"Oh," was all I could say.

I glanced down, unable to bring myself to look at him.

"Why'd you follow me?"

"I don't know. I just... wanted to make sure you were alright."

I looked back up at him and tried to sound convincing as I said...

"I'm fine, so you can leave now."

"Well, I'm not fine," Noah said honestly which took me aback.

I nodded.

"Yeah. Not to eavesdrop, but I heard you're failing classes."

"Not to eavesdrop, huh?"

"Sorry," I said then we were both silent for a moment.

"I guess figuring yourself out hasn't been working too well for you."

"Guess I miss my old tutor," he said and I assumed he was referring to all the times I made him do his homework and study.

How dare Noah say that.

He broke up with me.

He was the one who wanted space.

Now he was saying he missed me?

"I'm sure your new tutor will be just as good."

We stayed silent again before Noah switched topic.

"I see you've been hanging out with Ben a lot lately."

Yeah, that's right, Noah watched all of my social media stories.

Call me petty but I loved posting cute pictures of me with Ben, knowing Noah would see them.

"I have every right to hang out with him," I said matter-of-factly.

He stepped closer to me.

"I know."

Another awkward silence.

"Are you guys... going out?"

He looked almost pained as he asked that.

"You broke up with me, Noah. Who I date is no longer your concern," my head was held high and my arms were crossed over my chest.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

More silence.

"No," I muttered.

"We're not dating," I told him anyway.

Trying to change the subject, I asked...

"How are things at home?"

"Actually pretty good. It's almost like he's calmed down. I mean, he still gets drunk and yells at me sometimes, but we've been doing more things together like eating dinner and watching movies."

I nodded curtly.

"That's good."

"Yeah. I think him seeing Kaitlyn over a lot has eased his mind a little."

My heart dropped.

"Kaitlyn? You guys aren't...?"

"No. We're not," he answered.

I know I was a hypocrite by attempting to ask Noah if him and Kaitlyn were together again and honestly, it was a stupid question.

Kaitlyn would've told me but I couldn't help it.

Like I said before, they had been hanging out a lot more at school.

Sometimes I'd see him eating lunch with her and her teammates from volleyball.

Though Kaitlyn was now my friend, I was still worried about something happening between them.

We stayed quiet for a moment and damn, did I hate this ongoing discomfort between us.

I decided to speak.

"Noah?"

"Yeah?"

"Could we..." I couldn't even look him in the eyes, asking this.

"Could we still be friends?" I asked and honestly, though it would be rough, I'd rather have Noah as a friend than nothing at all.

Noah took his time to answer and when he finally did, he said...

"Honestly? I don't know if I could be friends with someone I dated."

"You're friends with Kaitlyn," I countered.

"That's different."

"How?" I asked suddenly getting angry.

"I never loved her like I loved you."

I was thrown off by how honest and raw that sentence was but one word stuck out... loved.

Past tense.

'Loved, loved, loved,' that word was ringing in my mind like a gnat.

Loved.

Did he mean to say it in past tense?

Was he over me?

Loved.

That was the hardest pill to swallow.

"Well, I've decided that I don't care what you want," I told him firmly.

"I hate not talking to you. I hate that you don't sit with us at lunch anymore or make jokes about Mrs. Snider to me in class while she's in the middle of a lecture."

Noah chuckled and shook his head.

"You said I distracted you from learning."

"Well, yeah. Having my boyfriend in class is kind of distracting," I said with the 'duh' implied.

It got awkward and I realized I probably shouldn't have said 'boyfriend'.

"We should head back to class," Noah said after a moment but when Noah started walking away, I grabbed his arm to stop him.

He looked back at me and waited for me to say something.

I didn't really know what to say.

In all honesty, I wasn't too sure why I reached out to him.

Guess I just missed touching him.

"Um, you should eat lunch with us," I said.

"It's..." I trailed off, looking at the tiled ground then muttered...

"It's not the same, without you."

I looked back up and met his beautiful brown eyes and the 'Loved' in past tense was a mistake, I knew it then, he was still in love with me.

Or at least not over me because his eyes were so intense when he looked at me and then they slipped down to my lips.

It was so quick, I almost missed it but I didn't.

Noah was still in love with me.

God, how I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and kiss his soft lips.

"Okay," he agreed with a soft smile and I almost forgot what I had asked him. If he could sit at lunch with me again.

"Okay," I repeated, oddly feeling better than I have in a while.

I could be friends with Noah Wright.

Yeah, I could do that.

[sinnershavesoulstoo]

I'm just. We all know I'm in love with the guy at work.

But like why? He's not even as good of a friend as i make him seem. I'm the good friend. I'm the one keeping our friendship afloat. I message him first, I bring him snacks, I start the conversations, I'm sending the memes. Honestly - if I stopped? I'm not sure we'd be friends? We'd be work friends for sure (uhh we'd be pals, probably not bffs) - but outside of that...for sure not. And recently, he's been pulling away from our friendship. We used to message more often, he used to talk to me more at work. I know he's been talking to this girl and my assumption is it's moving in a good direction because they FaceTimed for 3 hours the other night. And he hates talking on the phone. He's also come into work and has complained about being really tired (which I assume is because he's up all night talking to her?) And I don't want to be jealous? Because that's not helping anyone. Especially since the feelings are mutual and it's a one sided thing here.

I can keep feeding my delulus, but that's not going to work in the long run. I've asked my tarot cards and they have all hinted at me and him working out eventually, the tiktok trends have been the same. But I want him to be happy. But I want to be happy too.

A girl at work tells me I need to meet new people all the time but this dumb false hope I have about him makes it to where I don't want to meet new people because I'm so hung up on him and hoping something comes of it.

I know people are different and I know they show emotions differently.

We're so different though.

Different love languages, different levels of intelligence, different world views. He doesn't like pets. (Unrelated)

Different lives. Completely different.

I grew up in a fucked up house with fucked up family all around - he grew up with 3 brothers and 2 parents. He had (and still has) love and support from a big family. He lived a fairly normal life, had friends, had purpose, had a life. I had an estranged sister, parents who fought all the time, parents who weren't involved, a mother who wanted / wants to suffocate me... He was married, he has kids. I barely had a functional relationship with 2 people.

I feel like i'm not good enough to be his friend because I feel inferior. He's so smart, and he uses big words and has actual conversations... the conversations I have with him and with people in general feel... shallow? Like, he's out here having conversations about the world. Things happening at work that means something, conversations about how to fix things in a fundamental manner. He uses words like fundamental? I don't know what that means, really. He watches the news, he has a lot of 'adult' qualities - and I feel like I'm a kid parading around in a kind of adult body. He can make educated guesses and he's definitely got better control of his emotions. Again. I'm like an unregulated toddler and he's a normal functioning adult.

I cry all the time and get my feelings hurt all the time, and I take things too seriously. And he's so even keeled and calm and doesn't let things get to him too much.

He's not good at...a lot of other stuff, though.

I think my emotional intelligence is definitely higher than his, he isn't good at helping people, he'll even tell you so. He always tells me he's the worst. Sometimes it feels like he's doing a...? "Oh woe is me I'm not good enough, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep being the worst, but I want to acknowledge that I know it" I don't know if I'm projecting because that's how Jacob acted or if he really is and I'm just ignoring it.

I don't know. I'm just talking it out I think because ???

Like. I really and truly like him - but the compatibility levels? Low. I think. He's into other girls and definitely not me. If he were into me, wouldn't I know? I see how he looks at girls he finds attractive, he can barely look at me when we talk.

I don't know what I'm even talking about. I'm trying to convince myself we're not good for each other, but I want to continue feeding my delusions about us working out. But if we worked it out, it wouldn't last long. I wish it would.

[exploring-and-growing]

It's time

Well, it's time. Time I actually go seek help for my obvious mental illness. You know everything just seems so different these days. Like I never thought a day like this would come, yet it is tomorrow. Tomorrow everything changes. I admit that I am sick. However, part of me is unsure of how getting better is going to look. However, I'm tierd of feeling crazy. I'm tierd of trying to keep it together because I am afraid someone is gonna find out that secretly I am unstable. Who wants to be friends with the crazy girl? I have been sick for a long time. Probably over 5 years now. What do I do now? I'm afraid to get better yet I am also afraid to keep being sick. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to be a burden. I feel like seeking treatment makes everyone do that. It shows the world and all your loved ones, "HEY I'VE GOT PROBLEMS!!!" I don't want people to know that about me. I don't want to be some pitiful thing up on stage that everyone feels sorry for all the time. I am sick of it. I'm tierd of all the sad looks I get. Also why is everything so damn different. I can't tell if it is better or worse this way? It seems as if all my friends have left or will leave me. And that it is my fault that they all left. Everyone secretly hates me, and I am a constant disappointment. That secretly I am the bad guy in everyone's life, and even I can't see why. I'm either too loud or passionate or annoying or selfish or just stupid. I feel like everyone is just totally better at all this relationship stuff. I just feel stupid. Like my life is one big sick twisted joke that everyone laughs at. I desperately do not want to go to the doctor. I hate the doctors.

However, my fear of the doctor and getting better is trumped by my love for others and myself. I can't have people worry about me :(

I do not wish for people in my life to be oh so worried about me. I don't want everyone to treat me like some precious delicate thing that if they make one wrong move, I'm gonna end up killing myself or something stupid. I don't want people to feel responsible for helping me to get better. I wish people would just leave me alone and let me battle all this by myself. Sometimes it feels easier to be alone than to have others worry about you. However, I deserve friends and partners in my life. I can't let this silly sickness thing take that away from me or convince me I am better off alone. On the flip side, I can't ask those people to sit by and worry and watch me suffer. That is not ok or cool.

So, I'm going to the doctor. I'm taking about my biggest secret and boy am I not excited about it. When you have been sick for so long the idea of getting better seems stupid and silly and daunting. Why would I need to get better? I have managed to get by this long being sick. I've kind of gotten used to it honestly. Like for the most part, I think I handle things pretty well. I'm good at keeping secrets.

However, this monster in the closet is kind of scary. You know there is a reason I keep stuff locked away in that closet. I've just made it so far in life with this scary monster. Throughout the toughest of times, it was my only friend. No one else has even the slightest idea what I have been through. The monster does though. It sees all. I think that's why it is so scary sometimes. It knows too much. The monster lies though. It has taken me a long time to figure it out, but the monster lies. For a time, I needed some of its lies. The monster kept me safe. Or so I thought. However, me and the monster's relationship is quite toxic. At times it was helpful but most of the time it was hurtful.

Therefore, I have to say goodbye. I have to move on. I have to get better. I deserve to get better. I have conquered a lot in life, I know I can get rid of the monster too. I have to.

Is it possible to feel so many feelings at once.

[goldenheart-supremacy]

I've been waiting for this for so long!!!!

So get ready for a very detailed essay, I mean comment, because I love this so much!

Ps. This is a live comment react.

"Fine!" He resigns, throwing his hands up to the heavens. "But if your plan is "something, something, we win" again, I'm out. I'm so out. You're going to have to ask Todd for help"

Lol, Bal, don't be so cruel. As if you'd ever leave Ambs resigned to that fate.

Also, really love how you're referencing that line of Nimona for this scene. Totally perfect!

"Okay, so..." he starts, taking in a big breath of air. This is going to be long, and boring. Sometimes he's sorry for Ballister, who has to learn all of this things as they go, unlike him, who's been memorizing the rules ever since he learned to read. "The duels, right.

I really like the explanation of the duel. It's very good lore, great thing to imagine.

It also really helps the pacing, and it makes you kinda nervous about what happens next even though the info is not exactly something that would make you nervous. Just...

It's very good for pacing.

Ambrosius licks his lips, grabbing his boyfriend's hands and looking at him straight in the eyes. How wonderful they are, Ballister's eyes.

I love this. It's like... A commercial. Remember what I said about pacing? Well, this kinda helps the reader go "aww" if they felt nervous (like I did) when reading the narrative that was, again, very good for pacing.

"Too bad I'm already in love with what my allies would probably qualify as a disgraceful street rat" Ballister blushes, playfully shoving Ambrosius on the chest...."

When I say I went 'kyaaa' outloud while doing proofreading of essays for my students during a class and had to say "Oh sorry, I almost fell" as an excuse....

I am not kidding. This part is so cute and sweet.

^ Yes, it means I'm also multitasking. But it's a test lesson so I don't have to talk a lot anyway.

"That sounds... extremely complicated" cringing a bit ta the lengths people would go for a chance to figth with his boyfriend, Ballister grimaces. Bunch of weirdos. "I'm not some easy harlot, Ballister. You offend me. Of course trying marrying me is complicated. But, wait, now's where it gets interesting"

I don't know if you saw my short Aladdin AU post but... This is so Jasmine-coded behavior.

You go Ambi! Yeah, stick it to them. You ain't an easy prize to be won.

I love you for writing this part. It's so valid, for everyone and not just Ambrosius. It's great!

"I would sooner kill myself than marry Todd Disgusting Sureblade. Never. Nuh-uh. Not even if we were the last two men left in the planet. You know how some girls swear they can switch gays guys to the other team? I'm throughly convinced that Todd actually has the power to do so. Leave me alone with him in a room and I come out both a killer and ready to settle down with a woman. Hell, we'll have kids, even. Don't ever joke about that, Ballister. I'm going to have nightmares, tonight"

THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST AMBROSIUS-HATING-ON-TODD RANT I'VE EVER READ KSKSKSKSKSKSKSK I LOVE IT SO MUCH IT'S SO WITTY AND IT'S SO IN CHARACTER!

Now, they both stare at her, identical sad smiles plastered on their faces. If Ambrosius is as good with people as he claims to be, then they already have her heart in the bag. They just need to get her brain on it. "And how can I help?" She asks, and both knigths know they've kit the jackpot in the instant her voice comes out. She sounds so much like a worried mother. Ballister feels slightly guilty, slightly wishful. "How may I aid you both, on this quest?"

I love this. I love how you wrote Queen Valerin. I wished she had more screentime. I wish we got a flashback of Bal remembering her fondly in a motherly moment flashback.

"We would never-" "We couldn't even be together! I'm just some commoner and he is..." "Don't talk about yourself like that" "Amber, this is not the moment to-" "I won't let you be mean to yourself in front of the Queen" The woman in front of them chuckles, amazed at their idiocy. They both blush even more, if that's possible. They suck at this whole "pretending to be single" thing. "You're adorable" she coos, and Ambrosius is ready to change his name and move towns, "You remind me so much of Derek and me, back when we were young"

Again. I. LOVE. VALERIN.

Ulitmately, I love how you wrote her. She's LITERALLY a Queen, if you know what I mean. Like... Movies of feminism should also show how a gentle ruler with elegance is at the same level of woman power as much as hardcore ass kicking ladies are.

Fuck this kid and his lack of self control.

LOL KSKSKSKSKSKKS THIS WAS SUCH A PERFECT ENDING ONE LINER

Ambrosius has no impulse control and I will stand by that until the very end.

TL;DR

You are awesome for writing this fic, OP and I hope you know it!

Ambrosius's (indirect) champion.

Find part one here

"It's oficial. You've gone crazy"

Ambrosius, who feels thrilled with his idea, scoffs. In a quick move, he drags Ballister down to the bed, pulling him by the wrists, making the boy's head fall directly in his own chest. Had this been practice, he knows he probably would've gotten a punch to the ribs in retaliation. But they are in private, they are just teens, and Ballister allows his boyfriend to drag him down.

"Don't call me that, babe" Ambrosius whines, while Ballister tries to regain some of his dignity by lifting himself up with his arms to establish some sort of distance. "I'll cry"

"Ambrosius, this is not funny" finally managing to get on his hand and knees, Ballister stares down at his boyfriend, frowning. "This is incredibly concerning and serious"

Ambrosius pouts for a second, and giggles to himself after giving Ballister a quick kiss on the lips. He is scared, oh, so scared. He wants to cry and run and scream and punch and the best alternative he has right now is to be pretend to be charming with his boyfriend, but every good thing must come to an end, and he has to face reality.

They sit down, again, in the bed, face to face. Ambrosius's sudden burst of energy leaves as fast it came, leaving him with a dull sense of... confusion. Nothingness.

"You haven't heard my plan" he tries to grin at his boyfriend, hoping that his eyebags aren't nearly as big as he feels them be. "Come on. Let me tell you, and then you can say no"

They look at each other for some seconds, and Ballister gives in, the second Ambrosius brings out his best card on the whole deck: tears.

Crying on command is a pretty useful skill to have, Ambrosius's come to find out. He doesn't go all the way out with it, no this time, but he knows his eyes are watery and his nose is red. Ballister looks away, groaning.

"Fine!" He resigns, throwing his hands up to the heavens. "But if your plan is "something, something, we win" again, I'm out. I'm so out. You're going to have to ask Todd for help"

Ambrosius gasps, offended at the barbarity his boyfriend just said. How dares he? The old "fuck it, we ball" plan has never let them down, but this isn't the moment to bask in the glory of all of their past accomplishments.

"Okay, so..." he starts, taking in a big breath of air. This is going to be long, and boring. Sometimes he's sorry for Ballister, who has to learn all of this things as they go, unlike him, who's been memorizing the rules ever since he learned to read. "The duels, right. Not all noble families train their kids to be knigths. Not all knights are heirs, either. If you have an older sibling, then you're probably not heir. Follow me?"

Ballister, who loves learning about new stuff, even if it's nobility rubbish, nods along, "Follow you"

"I am the sole heir of the family, so I have obligations. You already know this. One of those is to keep up alliances and all that stuff"

Nodding again, Ballister chuckles a bit. Of course he knows. He's been there to witness every single event that's happened ever since Ambrosius finally turned old enough to go to balls and shit as an actual member of the upper society, or whatever it is they call themselves.

"We have many allies made by old marriages, debts, whatever. If one of them asks something of me, then it usually really just falls on me to say no. Unless they put up conditions"

Ambrosius licks his lips, grabbing his boyfriend's hands and looking at him straight in the eyes. How wonderful they are, Ballister's eyes.

"Now is when it gets kinda hard, so bear with me. Mom's been saying no to everyone who wants to form an alliance by marriage. Don't make that face, Bal. It's not really a lovely affair as much as it is legal papers, for a lot of people. But if all of my allies get along and decide to put conditions on me, then we're obligated to answer"

"That's so, so bullshit"

"It really is. Specially because, since we have so many allies, they usually never get along for long enough to actually make and write a demand, but I guess I'm just that hot and everyone wants to bed me. Too bad I'm already in love with what my allies would probably qualify as a disgraceful street rat"

Ballister blushes, playfully shoving Ambrosius on the chest.

"They would get a heart attack, don't you think? If they knew about me and you"

"They would get a heart attack if they knew I'm gay. They would have a heart attack if they knew I'm a tube baby because my mom loathes my dad. They would have a heart attack if they knew I eat chocolate cake sometimes. Don't feel special" shrugging, Ambrosius continues, "So, they are threatening to call off a lot of agreements and stuff if I don't answer their demands, which, like, mature much? Not my fault all of their heirs look like horror creatures.

So, Mom, being Mom, agreed to have me answer with a tournament, because apparently she believes I'm Hercules or something. I would traditionally have to fight with every single person who asked for my hand in a stupid sword duel and bla bla bla, but that would take forever, Bal. So, they came to an agreement. People fight each other, and whoever wins, figths with me"

"That sounds... extremely complicated" cringing a bit ta the lengths people would go for a chance to figth with his boyfriend, Ballister grimaces. Bunch of weirdos.

"I'm not some easy harlot, Ballister. You offend me. Of course trying marrying me is complicated. But, wait, now's where it gets interesting"

"Now? Just now? This whole thing is nuts"

Ignoring him, Ambrosius takes two pillows and places one if front of the other. "There are people who can fight me and expect to win" he says, pointing to one of them. "And people who can't but want the marriage"

"So, a lot of families don't have knights. A lot of knigths aren't heirs. Even if a family has a heir that would marry me, they could just be a scholar or something. All knights are nobles..."

"Except me?"

"Yeah, well. Most knigths are nobles, but a bunch of nobles aren't knigths. Like the Queen and such."

"And this is important because...?"

"Because families are going to choose champions, now. Wich means, they can just find a random good figther who's willing to commit to life to me and make them fight. Mom tried to make it so only noble heirs could enter, but they said no. You only have to represent a noble family, and there can only be one fighter per family. Wich means, you can simply sign up and beat everyone up!"

"You forget a very small but important detail, Amber" Ballister sighs, rubbing his eyes with the palm of his hands. "I'm neither noble nor a heir, and no family is going to choose me as a champion. You might actually need help from Todd ok this one"

Ambrosius suddenly comes to a stop, blinking.

"I would sooner kill myself than marry Todd Disgusting Sureblade. Never. Nuh-uh. Not even if we were the last two men left in the planet. You know how some girls swear they can switch gays guys to the other team? I'm throughly convinced that Todd actually has the power to do so. Leave me alone with him in a room and I come out both a killer and ready to settle down with a woman. Hell, we'll have kids, even. Don't ever joke about that, Ballister. I'm going to have nightmares, tonight"

Cackling, Ballister pretends to apologize, while his boyfriend rambles about how horrifying it would be, to be around Todd every day of his life, and how death would be mercy if anyone ever was to ever be on that situation.

Ambrosius finally stops, clearing his throat to stop Ballister from dying of asphyxiation, "With that settled, I would like to point out that my family can't choose you because I have to represent the Goldenloins. Not because I don't want. But there's still someone, Bal. Someone who's childless, a noble, and probably would love to help us out in this"

Ambrosius's next words convince Ballister of the fact that, yes, Captain Gloria surely drank too much while she was pregnant, because there's something deeply wrong with this man's brain.

"We're going to ask formal help from the Queen. And we're going to do it right now"

He should've stayed at that orphanage. Things would've been easier.

˗ˋ ♡  ˊ˗

Ballister fixes his shirt, and then does so again. Next to him, Ambrosius is going a pretty good job at pretending to be calm, but his lips are going to start bleeding in any second if he keeps munching on them like that, and his hands shake ever so slightly.

"If the speech doesn't work out" he whispers to Ballister, while they walk down the marble corridors of the palace, "then you put on your best puppy eyes. Pout and all. I'm bringing out the waterworks. Ugly crying, if needed. Gloreth, I'll fake-faint if it comes to that"

Ballister pretty sure that the speech they wrote and tried to memorize on the two hours it too to get here (asking for permission at the institute, getting into a carriage, arriving at the palace, getting the secretary to make them the next meeting using Ambrosius's status) isn't nearly good enough to convince the Queen to get involved in this mess, so he tries to remember the saddest moments in his life. There's a lot. He definitely feels ready to cry and beg.

They reach the Queen's office (because, apparently, queen's do have offices) and are welcomed by two palace guards that open up the wood doors for them to come in.

The place is wonderful. Not rich-people wonderful, it's soul-crushing life-changing beautiful instead. Everything is so white and golden and blue and shiny and ethereal.

In the middle of it, the Queen is seated, smiling softly at them. They both kneel down, knigth training and actual admiration manifesting in the gesture.

"Gentlemen" she greets, placing her joined hands on her desk, and they stand up straight, standing still, waiting for orders, always ready to obey to her, "you may sit down"

They do so.

Ballister's bones are trying to crawl out of his skin, and his whole face itches with nerves.

"Thank you, for receiving us in such short notice, Your Majesty" says Ambrosius, voice full with feeling. He's better at the whole "being social" thing.

"It is refreshing to see young faces on the palace grounda every once in a while" she responds, in that weird way formal people talk when they're trying to say something without saying it. "And I am honored to have two of my best cadets in here today. I have to ask, though, as to what situation do I owe the pleasure of such a distinguished visit? Specially a dual one"

"The honor is all ours" adds Ballister, who doesn't want to feel useless in the conversation, even if he feels incredibly out of place in the dances the nobility follows when they talk, when they breath, when they live.

"We come here with a plead," explains Ambrosius, and he suddenly looks older. Serious, worried, solemn. His voice is deep, calm, "One that would benefit both of us, and for which we require your help."

The Queen hums softly, slightly rising an eyebrow. "What sort of plea my I aid you both in?"

"I don't want to get married" says Ambrosius, straight to the point. Ballister asked him, on the carriage, to be honest with this. He knows how... creative the Goldenloins can get when they want something. Plus, being bold will surely add to the element of surprise.

"Excuse me?" The Queen looks clearly put off at the words, loosing her cool demeanor for a second, "Come again?"

Seeing her eyebrows frown and her vocabulary change so abruptly, Ambrosius clears his throat, hiding a smile. Their plan seems to be going well.

"I don't want to get married" he repeats, enunciating every word, "And I'm being forced to engage in an obligated tournament for those purposes, Your Majesty"

He gives her a second to understand the words, to take the information in. In those seconds, Ambrosius remembers that one time he thought Ballister hates him back when they were twelve, and tries to pour all the sadness he feels on his voice.

"Of course, I presume Your Majesty is aware of how vicious and outdated some traditions are" quickly, he glances down at Ballister, who's also putting on his best kicked lost helpless puppy performance, "but I am still subjected to them."

The Queen is the Queen, but even her can't change the rules that noble families uphold each other to. She nods, looking worried. Bingo.

"That's why I want to help him" cutting in, Ballister stammers a bit, like Ambrosius instructed him to. For extra empathy points, he said, "We've come up with a plan. It's not perfect, but..."

"... it's the best we can do" Ambrosius finishes, following his cue.

Now, they both stare at her, identical sad smiles plastered on their faces. If Ambrosius is as good with people as he claims to be, then they already have her heart in the bag. They just need to get her brain on it.

"And how can I help?" She asks, and both knigths know they've kit the jackpot in the instant her voice comes out. She sounds so much like a worried mother. Ballister feels slightly guilty, slightly wishful. "How may I aid you both, on this quest?"

"We need someone to sign me in" Puppy eyes. Puppy eyes. Think sad thoughts. "No one else but you can do it, Your Majesty. I am a commoner, and the families despise me"

They're not even lying. Most nobles do despise Ballister. They're just... putting some heart onto the delivery of the news.

"He's my last resource" Ambrosius is about to cry. Teary eyes, red cheeks, trembling words. Such an actor. "My mommy can't do it because she's my own family, and I am so scared, Your Majesty. Marriage is the least of my concerns"

He leans in to her, even if it's only the three of them in the room.

"Just thinking about what someone with control over me could ask for gives me chills," and, to spice some politics in, he whispers to her, "there's so many things my mom would give over for me. Money, land, jews... Gloreth, even alliances, or debts. There's a lot of power tied into the family, and if I'm allowed to be honest, I fear for what would happen if all that rested in the hand of someone evil. Some villain. Some monster.

It's a well known fact that the Goldenloins match the royal family in influence, in power. They're probably a bit over them, if one were to actually measure the impact they have on the people, on the kingdom. Ambrosius couldn't care less about this knowledge, but the Queen should be able to recognize a threat when it's in front of her.

She blinks once, twice. Ballister makes a show of giving Ambrosius a handkerchief, and he takes it with an apology for his horrible demeanor.

"I see why you've come to me," she finally speaks up, eyes fixed on them, "and I am glad that you did. This is an urgent matter. I am deeply troubled to see you in this state, Goldenloin"

Ambrosius mutters a quick thank you, still "too emotional" to talk.

"And I am glad to learn that the bond between my star knights is as strong as the walls that protect this kingdom. You both are what keep my people safe, after all"

Ballister's never been so proud to be compared to a wall as he is right now.

"To show you my gratitude for your hard work, I will agree. Ballister, you can fight in representation of the noble house of Elpis, as my champion. Any armor or other supplies needed will be provided, too"

Thank Gloreth and every single saint ever for Ambrosius's manipulative ass. He's so in love with this dramatic wreck of a man. Thank Gloreth and every single saint ever for Queen Valentin's tendency to go against tradition. He's so grateful to have been born under her regency.

They both thank her, deeply, multiple times, bowing their heads. Ambrosius even sheds some tears and wipes them off with urgency

Then, the Queen stands up, and they follow suit. She shoots them a question, one that they didn't come prepared for,

"You both are aware, however, of how the nature of your... bond, could affect this tournament?"

Stop. Pause. What did she say? Whatdidshesay?

They look at each other, completely out of course. This time, she is the one with the upper hand. And they're so fucked. Seeing as how their silence continues, she speaks, again

"Your romance" she clarifies, and Ambrosius's choke on his own saliva isn't pretended. Ballister goes so red his face burns, and, out of instinct, he hits his boyfriend on the back to try and stop his death. He hits a little too hard, but it works.

"Excuse us?" Screeches Ambrosius, high pitched, "Our what?"

"You must be confused" says Ballister at the same time, feeling like a very dumb caged animal. They didn't plan this. He's got no idea what to do next. "Ambrosius and I don't-"

"We would never-"

"We couldn't even be together! I'm just some commoner and he is..."

"Don't talk about yourself like that"

"Amber, this is not the moment to-"

"I won't let you be mean to yourself in front of the Queen"

The woman in front of them chuckles, amazed at their idiocy. They both blush even more, if that's possible. They suck at this whole "pretending to be single" thing.

"You're adorable" she coos, and Ambrosius is ready to change his name and move towns, "You remind me so much of Derek and me, back when we were young"

She brings up dead husband, as if this isn't weird enough already.

"Surely, you know that if people take notice of this, and Ballister does end up winning — like I have faith he will — they could argue that the tournament has been rigged"

They look at each other, bewildered. They never even considered that possibility. The Queen chuckles some more.

"I trust you would come up with a way to deal with that problem, Mister Goldenloin. You mother's always had her way with schemes and theatrical dramas, and I am fairly sure that I just witnessed one of your plans in action, didn't I? Was any of what you said true, cadets?"

Of course. Of course. The Queen, who's probably been working alongside Captain Gloria her whole life, would notice. Perhaps they didn't plan this as neatly as they could've. But they had less than a day to come up with the whole thing, so.

"I really, really don't wanna get married or have to obey to someone" argues Ambrosius, pouting. "Specially to some older weirdo"

"And I really don't want him to marry or have to obey to someone" agrees Ballister, apologetic. "Specially some older weirdo"

After considering them for some seconds, she nods again, agreeing to keep her word. Seeing no point on subtlety, they hug each other quickly, to celebrate.

"We're going to give back every penny you spend on Bal in this whole thing, swear to Gloreth" promises Ambrosius, one hand drapped along his boyfriend's back, "when he wins, I'm throwing a party, and you are so invited", quickly, he adds, "uh, Your Majesty, ma'am"

She lets them go after discussing some minor details, and they beam all the way out of the palace.

"I told you my plan would work" Ambrosius puffs out his chest like a proud peacock once they're on the carriage back to the institute, texting Gloreth knows who on his phone, "We're irresistible"

"She only agreed because you asked her. No one says no to a Goldenloin, Amber"

Ballister stretches, already tired. This whole thing has been draining. He's so ready to go back to the institute and join classes again. If this carriages hurries up, they might get there in time for sword training before lunch, his favorite part of the day.

"Talking 'bout Goldenloins..." trails off Ambrosius, playful smile painted on his lips, "what you say we go talk to my mom now?"

"Absolutely no way-"

"Too bad" he interrupts him, placing his hand over Ballister's lips, "already told her we're on our way. She asked to chefs to prepare us something tasty"

Fuck this kid and his lack of self control.

[absolutelyfizzing]

unwanted feelings

james potter x reader

description - You'd had a crush on James Potter for years and when he kisses Lily Evans in front of you, you are heart broken. Later you find that he didn't actually feel as you expected and he explains himself.

warnings - some angst, unsure reader, fem pronouns, self doubt, negative self talk, not eating for a day cause reader is avoiding someone

word count - 2800

A/N - so this one isn't my best work by far but i wrote it so looks like its getting posted. i don't know why all of my reader inserts lately are so fem and sort of bubbly, i guess it's sort of what i'm aiming for for myself right now but i'm sorry if it maybe isn't coming off as relatable.

MASTERLIST

Your throat tightened in anxiety as you watched James zoom around the pitch. He was reckless when he was playing quidditch and it was one of the things that made him great at the game and an excellent captain. It was also the thing that nearly gave you a heart attack every time you watched him play. You went to every one of his games and you always wore something of his with his colors when you were in the stands. You were stood up on your seat and a slightly bored looking Remus sat to your right, reading from a book you didn't recognize. You'd thought that Sirius playing would be enough to keep him interested but sports was just not something he enjoyed watching. You were usually that way as well but whenever James was playing, suddenly you were the most intent spectator in the stands.

You were more worried than you should have been. More worried than what was appropriate for a friend to be. That's what you were, friends. That had been reinforced many times by the shaggy haired boy and you tried desperately to get it through your head before you embarrassed yourself one of these days. Sometimes though, you just couldn't help it.

Really you might have thought he reciprocated if you didn't know any better. You often got comments on what an attractive couple you guys were but each time it was quickly corrected by James. Normally along the lines of 'Oh god no, we are just friends. Purely platonic' , sometimes followed by a shudder or a gag even. It upset you every time to no end but you played along. You rarely, if ever, contributed to the shooting down of any feelings but that was never noticed by the man you had feelings for.

You'd had a crush on him since you were probably in your second year and now you were coming to the middle of your seventh. There were a million times that you almost said something but every time there was a reminder that you were not the one he had eyes for. It usually took the shape of disgust at the thought of dating you or commentary as he pined over the Evans girl who you felt you could never compete with. How could you when she was just perfect. You saw her to the left of you as she stood in the stands as well and your hands shook with insecurity before looking back toward the game. Your heart raced nearly as quickly as James did around the pitch and you prayed that the snitch would be caught soon so that you could get rid of the stress surrounding you. You felt a hand on your right shoulder and you looked over to find Remus had stood and was looking at you caringly.

"Are you alright, Y/N?" He asked softly and you tried your very best to soften your gaze and calm your stance so you appeared less concerned with someone that you shouldn't have that much interest in in the first place.

"Of course I am. When am I not?" You smiled before looking out at the pitch.

"When youre watching the guy you're in love with play a dangerous game that you don't like." He stated simply in response to the question you meant to be rhetorical and your eyes widened.

"I don't know what youre talking about." You nearly whispered and Remus smiled.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone Y/N but its not exactly subtle. It probably doesn't help that I know the look on your face because it's how I feel too watching Sirius play." He was still smirking but your anxiety was far from eased.

"Oh god, does he know?" You asked scaredly, terrified that the answer would be yes and you would have to stop spending time with him.

"Shockingly, no." You sighed out in relief but Remus continued. "You should tell him though or else he might end up moving on."

"What do you mean? There's nothing for him to move on from. Everyone knows he's in love with Evans and he has made it pretty clear that he is opposed to being anything more than a friendly relationship with me." You choked out, struggling with the words leaving your lips but knowing them to be true.

"I mean he has a minor crush on Evans but it's nothing compared to the annoyingly huge crush he has on you. He's probably just overcompensating for the fact that he's insecure and doesn't want you to reject him."

"Why are you telling me this?" You asked sincerely. You were friends with Remus as you were with the rest of the marauders but it was nothing compared to the friendship they held within their group. You knew Remus was more loyal to James than to you so you couldn't understand why, if it was true, Remus would be telling you at all.

"Because he is trying desperately to move on seeing as he is under the impression that you aren't into him and I'd hate to see him throw something away that could be really good for him." Remus smiled gently and you looked at him gratefully.

"I really appreciate you telling me and all but I just don't think I can believe you. I can't even count how many times he has made a big show of not liking me. I love him too much to ruin what we have and I know that if I confessed and it went bad that I would lose him all together. I would rather have him in my life in a way that hurts than not have him in it at all." You stated sadly and Remus sighed but nodded in understanding.

"I get it but just know that I'm being honest and pretty soon he is going to give up on it. I just want to see you both happy but if its too big of a leap, I understand. That's exactly the excuse he tells the rest of us too."

Suddenly cheers erupted from the stands, cutting your conversation with Remus off as everyone ran to rush the pitch. The snitch had been caught and gryffindor won. You were excited for James but you were also a little terrified to walk onto the pitch to see him with the now conflicted thoughts running through your head. Your thoughts were stopped by the image in front of you which was causing the whole crowd to cheer. James had pulled Lily Evans into a kiss in his excitement and your heart stopped. You felt nausea rise in your throat and Remus caught your eye with a sympathetic look. You didn't look at him for longer than a second and you ran off the pitch with tears streaming down your face. You found your way up to your dorm, pushing yourself to get there quickly before the common room filled with students celebrating their victory. James was always one to love attention so he would be getting crazy after the game which he did just about every time they won.

When you made it to your bed, you hurried under the covers, throwing the shirt you were wearing which belonged to James onto the floor. You felt your heart clench at the despair you felt. You wanted to be upset at Remus for getting your hopes up but you knew he was sincere in his want to help. Still you felt that you would probably not be able to face James in the weeks to come. Maybe, given a little time, you could be around him and not be upset at the world for taking away your chance with him. As you laid in your bed, you stared at the ceiling. You felt tears streaming down your face and you grew angry at yourself. He didn't owe you anything, he wasn't into you. That wasn't his fault and it was so unfair of you to expect anything more from him when your feelings were not his responsibility.

You weren't sure how long you laid there but you could hear the party start and end in the common room. It must have been late. Sleep wouldnt come though, you could just feel your heart continue to break and you were stuck in a loop of self pity. You made the decision that the following days would be spent away from James if you could at all help it. That was probably what he wanted anyway and it was the only way that you would get over the pain you were feeling. At some point your roomates entered your dorm and sleep overtook you for a few restless hours.

When you woke up, the sun was barely on the rise. You hurried up and got dressed and ready. You were planning on getting to breakfast early to avoid running into any of the marauders. You found your plans were not going how you wanted when you entered the great hall to find a head of red hair next to a mop of black. Your throat tightened and you quickly moved to turn and head out of the great hall. You heard a familiar voice call your name but you rushed out before you could give it too much thought. You knew that if you let him try to convince you, you would end up having a very upsetting breakfast with your best friend and his new lover. You would rather avoid breakfast.

Throughout the day, avoiding James was proving to be harder than you had thought it would be. You had many of your classes with him and you even sat next to him in a few. He was insistently trying to get you to open up about why you were suddenly so closed off to him but you remained shut off, reassuring him that nothing was wrong and you were just a little tired from the game the day before. You avoided lunch for the same reason as you had avoided breakfast and you felt yourself starting to get a bit lightheaded. Your afternoon was spent avoiding James but soon he was preoccupied with Lily anyway.

You were hid in a corner of the library when a cough alerted you of someone's presence. You looked up to find the very eyes you hadn't wanted to see.

You pushed it down with a gulp and smiled a bit at him, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay but they were growing harder to hold back after keeping everything pent up all day. It probably didn't help that you were hungry and therefor a bit more emotional. You could feel the tears sitting in your eyes, waiting for something to go wrong so they had an excuse to escape you.

"I don't know what I did wrong." He mumbled while looking at the floor in front of you and you took a deep breath.

"There's nothing wrong James, I promise. It's just been a long day." You smiled and your heart picked up speed.

"Since when did we lie to each other?" He questioned and your heart stopped. You were left unsure how to respond.

"Since the truth would cause more damage than good." You spoke honestly. At this he looked up at you and your eyes met. A tear left you and James immediately moved to comfort you but you tried to move away, standing quickly to evade him. You regretted it as spots filled your vision, the lack of food catching up to you. You know that you turned a bit green for a moment because James looked slightly scared.

"Y/N I dont know whats wrong but you look like you should be getting to the hospital wing. You don't look well."

Before you could answer you felt your vision blacken and your legs give out before your consciousness left you completely.

When you woke up, you knew you were in the hospital wing. It smelled sterile and the bed was stiff underneath you. When you started to wake madam pomfrey came to check on you.

"You can't go around with an empty stomach like that again, do you hear me?" She scolded, though her eyes were soft. You nodded solemnly. "I was alerted that you hadn't been to the great hall to eat all day, you have to know that isn't good for you. I'm gonna have a prefect watch out for you the next couple days to make sure you're eating at meal times. Understood?" She asked again and once more you nodded before leaning back and sighing. You looked at your surroundings and were surprised to see the black haired boy next to your bed fast asleep. Your heart took off again and you felt trapped by your environment. As anxiety swirled around in your chest, James had woken up a bit.

"You're awake." James sighed, laced with relief. You still wouldn't make eye contact with him.  You felt the bed dip as he sat on it and you looked up to watch him put his head in his hands as he leaned over. You felt guilt fill your chest more than it already had from hating that you felt any claim over the man in front of you. You knew you were in the wrong and the last thing you wanted was to cause him any pain. "Remus talked to me." He almost whispered.

At that moment, you wished you could have apparated to anywhere else in the world. You looked back down at your lap and tears were once again brought to your eyes. You felt betrayal that Remus would reveal your feelings to James.

"I'm sorry." You apologized and you fiddled with your fingers.

"Why are you the one apologizing, I'm the one whos behaved poorly." He assures and you shake your head.

"That's not fair to yourself. You're allowed to want to be with whomever you want and my feelings should have no effect on that. You've made it clear for years that you weren't interested in me and it is my fault that I couldn't take a hint. I'm so sorry." You gushed out and tears started to fall from your eyes. You felt James get up from your bed and you prepared him to leave but instead you felt arms wrap around you and a kiss came to your head.

"Y/N I have had feelings for you for years. I was just always too scared for myself to even consider that you might feel the same." He whispered out but you felt only a different kind of pain. Even though he had now admitted his feelings, he was still dating Lily. Not you. Almost as if he could hear your thoughts he spoke quietly. "I broke it off with Evans." You pulled away immediately.

"What? Why would you do that?" You asked quickly and before he had a chance to answer you feared the worst. "Oh god is it because of me? James please dont let my feelings have any bearing on who you want to date, I can't stand the thought of being the reason you broke up. Even if we do have feelings for each other, you deserve a chance with Lily if that's what you want."

"It was mutual, actually. She understood that I had feelings for you and she said she had a crush on someone else. It just seemed like I had kissed her a bit rashly on the quidditch pitch and we agreed that we shouldn't have gotten together in the first place. It was only a day anyway." He reassured as he explained himself and you calmed a bit.

"So what does this mean." You got out, almost inaudibly.

"It means that, if you'll have me, I'd like to take you out on a date." He stated as if it were the simplest thing in the world and you almost couldn't believe your ears. Before you were even thinking you were nodding quickly, causing spots to once again fill your vision and James grabbed your shoulders to stabilize you before you both laughed. He pulled you by your shoulders toward him and he caught your lips in a kiss that somehow expressed all of the years of repressed feelings. When he pulled away he smiled at you and sat back on your bed. He spent the rest of the day with you in the hospital wing talking about all of the places he was going to take you in the coming weeks.

[lubdubsworld]

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is. 

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I’d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy  to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.  

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely.  She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while.  We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.  

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong.  She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.  

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements  and you have to have  a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth  always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and  I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have  a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is  give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice.  You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

 Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook  knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..”  She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.  

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone,  simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “  All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to. 

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg. 

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA: 

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

OH

MY

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

[yaomomvs]

TAKE OUR HAND

seijoh x manager!reader

in which aoba johsai vbc just wants you to take their hand, just as the many times they have reached for yours when they needed it

pls i’m sorry i just wrote this for comfort, in having a terrible week and so, i just really need my seijoh boys to comfort me even if it’s just in my head and just so you know, and as i’ve been trying to convince myself, things always get better

tuesday, [15:56 pm]

“nice kill yahaba senpai!” kindaichi congratulates his upperclassman.

his voice makes you react, it scared you. still holding your pen and the notebook you always carry around even on normal practice days, your hand threatens you in the most scary way possible.

fuck no, just... breathe.

you are quick to leave aside the notes, and so, you look around to the boys, who just after the coach’s whistle sounds they are quick to approach your spot.

you take the water bottles as quickly as you can.

“oh y/n-san, i know we are irresistible but you can’t just slack off admiring us!” makki teases you laughing.

“if our dear manager is admiring someone is obviously me” oikawa says, before taking a sip of his bottle, slightly making you blush even more.

“i don’t think she likes idiots who still watch youtube conspiracy videos at 3am”

“iwa!”

“weren’t you the one with a secret obsession for romance manga, iwaizumi?” it’s mattsun time to expose his friend. iwai mi doesn’t hesitate and he runs directly to matsukawa, while kunimi brings out his phone to start recording the chaos in the gym.

you don’t listen.

your head hurts, and then, you once again feel this weird thing in you stomach. you have been feeling like this for the past week, and you try to ignore it . but sometimes, you just want the world to stop.

you can’-

“y/n senpai?” watari calls your name, and you notice his furrowed brows looking at you, worried. you blink and correct your posture. you had just zooned out. “is everything ok?”

“ah yes watari kun!” you force your self to sound relaxed because you feel the sudden gaze of the entire team “i was just thinking in a smart way to insult oikawa, but i’m worried he won’t understand tho”

“hey! you said i was your favorite”

you fake laugh once again assuring everyone that you were just fine. the day goes on, and somehow is becomes more difficult to just stay down not worrying about anything.

and they notice.

you don’t walk home with the guys today. instead you run to the bus not before excusing yourself with an ‘urgent family thing’

“just please don’t let makki eat so much ramen today!” you giggle as you run to the bus “i’m not in the mood to dealing with diarrea!”

“that was a secret between us darling!” the pink haired guy screams cheeks blushing.

and maybe you were just too distracted, but before you face them away some of them notice how quick your smile fades.

“you know guys” yahaba is quick to say “call me crazy but, why did she lie?”

—

wednesday, [10:22 am]

when was the last time you actually enjoyed school? not practice, but school itself. seeing numbers everyday in the board that you don’t understand is frustrating. your throat hurts, there’s has been a not there since the begging of the day.

swallow it, y/n, dammit

you decided to take this class, don’t blame the world, blame yourself. isn’t it supposed to be simple? why isn’t it being simple? is that... 

"Square root of 57 is equal to Xo, miss" 

"alright!" 

it is not like it’s a race, you want to say. why was the teacher obsessed with speed?, it’s unfair. your time is not the same as that of others. 

you drop the pencil and you recline in your chair, why couldn’t you do operations and analysis as fast as they could? you take a look around and the eyes of others look frightening. you see ambition, you see security, you see admiration.

the bell rings and you just want to run, and well in a way you end up doing it. leaving your homeroom, you tell your friends that for today you want to be alone, the halls of aoba johsai are big, for your fortune or misfortune. you go to the vending machine and when your drink falls, the minimum noise makes you startle, lately it’s like that, small noises or actions affect you way too much.

and iwaizumi notices it.

you don’t make a single move, it’s just the cold drink resting on your hands. and before iwaizumi could stop mattsun, he was already putting his hand on your shoulder.

“y/n!”

the orange juice spills and once again fear takes hold of you.

you see them both, you’re not stupid and you know hajime stares at you weirdly, and now mattsun, you hide your fear it a bit worse than yesterday, but you do anyways.

"someday, Matsukawa-san, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME! and what will you do without me?" you try to say cheerful, wanting to take away the suspicion, for a moment it works.

"flunk history, that leads me to..." 

"no, sweeheart, i won’t give you my homework" 

you walk and both guys follow you, one faster than another, very naive of the situation. "I begin to believe you hate me," says Mattsun, as the three sit on a bench near the school cafeteria casually encountering kunimi who quickly joins you, patting the folds of your skirt as you sit down, you rest on the table and admire his needy expression and as the tantrum of mattsun grows.

minutes go by, your chest pain grows, but somehow you know how to let it go.

 with your hands supporting your face, lunch passes between you and kunimi, you try to talk, you really try. 

but still, your eyes just glow, and kunimi notices how it’s not the glow you always have.

—

thursday [12:03]

your head is spinning, you can feel the cold sweat. will this be the time? why do you feel so small? why can’t you say it?

it’s familiar, you recognize this feeling, an ocean, you’re floating, you know you can swim, but, you’re in the middle of nowhere, you look down. Out of nowhere the intimidating depth of the ocean is beneath you. And then, you sink. You feel like you’re drowning, you feel like you’re fighting the tide, but you just can’t do it.

i just need...

no, it’s not time yet, it’s still training. the boys... you’re the one who should take care of them, you’re the one who has to be be fine. they had no time to lose, they had a goal and for the moment that was the most important thing.

On that bench, your gaze is absent, you know it is so.

and through the window that overlooks your classroom, oikawa notices it too

“y/n...” he mumbled.

of course he’d noticed. at first it was not so clear, but now he remembers.

when kindaichi pinned your dark circles to him, while admiring you by fitting volleyballs in a way not of your own.

makki watches oikawa from your side, you don’t even know the pink-haired guy is there, unaware that he’s sitting next to you. but he notices. he’s been noticing for days that your eyes are threatening to close in the middle of class.

hanamaki catches your attention and instantly that mask you’ve been wearing for weeks appears again.

"hanamaki, i’m fine"

it doesn’t convince them. they both look out the window and nod.

oikawa notices, and god, he wished he had no reason to.

—

friday [14:00 pm]

breathe.

please just... breathe.

you’re fed up. the feeling of guilt and discomfort is still there, can’t you be calm? people don’t need to know, but why do you want to shout it?

the dressing room is alone, the girls from the soccer team are out and it’s your only chance.

the team needs you, hold on a little.

your footsteps are heard in the hallway once again, a symphony you’re tired of listening to.

your chest hurts, your heart is aching, but you just need a little more. hands are shaking, the cold in your body, you need to stop.

you have to make them stop.

but when you walk into the gym, even with your eyes down, all you feel is warm. and it’s because, the boys were standing, aligned begging for you.

no, they beg for your sake.

and everything stops.

one hand from him on your neck, and one hand around your shoulders.

because oikawa, without warning, now has you in his arms.

and then, only then, you break.

tears don’t take long to come out, along with desperate sobs. your legs fail and out of nowhere, you and oikawa are on your knees.

with an alarmed look, the whole club runs towards both, surrounding you as sensibly as possible.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry I’M SORRY" is heard from you, between hiccups.

“love, listen...” iwaizumi approaches you,somehow he managed to catch up with you, somehow he managed to hold your hand.

"i promise i didn’t want to, but i can’t, i can’t anymore, why can’t i? i try and i try and i keep trying but it’s never enough! IM TIRED OF SEEING SOMETHING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PROCESS IT LIKE THE OTHERS. I’M TIREDD OF NEVER FULFILLING WHAT I SHOULD”

yahaba’s heart aches, and just as most of the team, is shocked.

your hands, oh your adorable hands, those hands that bandage his in the middle of an important game, he sees them shaking horribly between iwaizumi’s.

“AND I’M SCARED, WHAT IF I LOSE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE OF ME? BECAUSE OF HOW I AM I-“

watari is quick to place your hair gently behind your ear, a kunimi covers you with his jacket.

“I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DONT RECOGNIZE MYSELF” you lower your voice, its cracked now “oikawa I don’t recognize myself, I want to be me again" you whisper, and a knot appears in the captain’s throat, and he puts a hand on your cheek "please... just let me be me again" your throat burns, your eyes get redder.

the gym goes silent, your words still echoing in everyone’s head.

“why didn’t you-“

“i just couldn’t” you blame yourself cutting oikawa off “look at us! we are waisting time on me when we should be- i’m the one who has to- im you support not-“

“hey hey, love...” iwaizumi whispers his voice is filled with sweetness, letting you sit correctly and softly rubbing his thumb in your hands “how many times have you been there for us? y/n your hand is always there”

“that’s true” kyotani says, finally saying something, emotions overwhelmed him a lot, but he genuinely wanted to help you.

“there’s something about you, there’s light” kindaichi follows up.

“no matter where, or how bad we are, somehow you always are helping us stand up” mattsun also tries to carefully approach you, he wants nothing more for you to feel safe.

and oikawa’s arms were still around you. he never stopped.

“we have reached your hand so many times, so now it’s time for you to please take ours” oikawa holds you face, and you see the sincerity and kindness behind his brown eyes, it feels like home.

mattsun does a sign asking the coach for a day off, both of them smile tenderly at you and give the green flag. iwa and makki are next to hold you carefully helping you stand up. they help you stop shaking but it’s mad dog the one who wipes your tears away with a tissue watari handled him. still not knowing if he did it the right way. you still feel kunimi’s scent. you still see kindaichi holding your school bag making sure nothing is missing. yahaba is the one bringing you water. and oikawa still refuses to let you go.

all of them feel like home.

“thank you”

and that’s how you know everything is going to feel fine.

because this club was yours and you were theirs.

this was home.

[kirarinlovesidols]

Some genshin men as fathers headcannons i did at midnight cause i couldn't sleep

Also i tried to keep it gender neutral but i have little to no experience in writing and it might have seemed AFAB oriented cause well, I'm afab myself. So i'm very sorry if it's bad or cringy, idk. Just did it for fun.

Mondstadt

Diluc

‌At first he wasn't sure about what he should do or how. He never really imagined himself as a father but even if he were inexperienced the ginger was more than willing to try if you were to be by his side.

‌Strikes me as the worrywart type of dad. He wants his kids to have a free childhood instead of being restrained by their responsibilities as ragnvindrs but he still would rather have them where he can see them.

‌Kinda busy with work but still makes time for his family.

‌Anything they want he'll give them but doesn't let them become spoiled cause of it.

‌The kids love Kaeya and he hates it with every fiber of his being(he's actually just jealous).

‌Had a boy and a girl btw.

Kaeya

‌Had a girl and let me tell you... the way he acts with her is the most annoyingly cute thing ever. Ya know how that guy from Fullmetal alchemist acts with his daughter? It's Kaeya.

‌Of course he doesn't want to restrain her. That's against his personal beliefs and values. He just fears someone might take his little girl away from him.

‌Is the type of dad who is very particular about the way his kid dresses. He won't tell them what to wear or anything, he just gives very direct criticism.

‌"Dad what do you think about my outfit?"

‌"This is not your best combination. I told you to slay, didn't i?"

‌He paints her nails and gossips with her about things he heard from Rosaria at Diluc's tavern.

‌Talking about him, Diluc has to babysit his niece sometimes and it's seriously the most hilarious thing ever cause he has no idea how to interact with this kid. But he doesn't have the heart to tell her to quiet down so he ends up becoming the uncle who accidentally spoils her.

Albedo

‌Oh boy this one was a little complicated. Due to being a homunculus he wondered if he was even capable of reproducing in the first place, which ended up in you two becoming parents.

‌His fascination for life made him eager to be responsible for the direct creation and guidance of a new being but you needed to make something very clear to him. That you wouldn't stand for letting him see your kid as a test subject of sorts.

‌You two talked about it, cried, it was angsty and messy. He didn't have the intention of making it seem like he saw his child as a lab rat but he would be lying if he said he didn't get carried away with his overall thought process.

‌Time passed and your child was finally born. A boy who was almost a carbon copy of his father with the exception of his eye colour that resembled yours.

‌You two happened to be blessed with a quiet baby. The only moment he seemed to cry was when he was hungry or needed to change diapers.

‌One thing you two noticed is how your son seemed interested in Albedo's experiments. He loved watching his father work. It was a little worrying for you to leave him there cause what if an explosion happened or something? But you couldn't bring yourself to say no when your adorable son looked at your husband's working self with so much admiration, affection and curiosity.

‌The little one also developed a love for drawing if the crayon all over your walls were any indication. Albedo convinced you to not clean or paint over it, these drawings could turn into precious memories after all.

‌As much as your son and Albedo seemed close, unfortunately, the chief alchemist couldn't spend as much time as he would like with his son so every little moment was cherished.

‌And on rare opportunities when he had a free schedule you would plan family days and do all kinds of things like picnics, taking walks around mondstadt, having lunch at good hunter or just cuddling under the blankets when the cold seeped in.

Bennett

‌Needless to say he cried an entire river when you told him you wanted kids. He could never have imagine himself as a father or in a relationship with anyone for that matter.

‌Absolutely worried about his bad luck, what if it hurts your child? Benny needed a lot of reassuring from you tbh.

‌In the end he just decided he would try his hardest to protect you two if his bad luck ever threatened your lives.

‌You two had a little girl and this man...he was determined to be the best father in the world.

‌Very very affectionate, kisses and hugs were a must for him. He really wanted his daughter to feel loved and to not ever experience loneliness like he did.

‌Benny is a very fun dad! takes your child to little adventures he planned(they're all very safe of course) and would encourage her imagination. Countless times they would get home covered in either mud or dirt cause they apparently "had to save a princess from hillichurls." You were happy as long as they were having fun.

‌Your daughter sees him as a hero and that's his biggest pride. Seeing her brag to her friends about how cool her dad is just makes your hearts swell with love.

Venti

‌Oh wow? Getting him to settle down at all were a hugeass feat but a kid??? Jesus Christ he really is down BAD.

‌Your son was an absolute sweetheart most of the time(in front of you at the very least) however if his father were involved things would take a turn for the worse cause you see.... they're both menaces to society.

‌He was very mischievous and a prankster to boot. The worst part was how his father enabled his mischief and sometimes even joined! No one is safe.

‌They are literally this: ":3c" , ">:3c".

‌Jokes apart people always get shocked when they learn Venti has a son since they look like brothers instead.

‌The fact his father is an archon kinda just went straight through his head. This kid absolutely does not care, his dad is his dad and that's all there is to it. Venti almost cried ngl.

‌Ok ok, listen to me. Venti's archon form has wings, Right? Only fair your kid inherits those as well. Your husband taught him how to hide them away when needed but it's the most adorable thing to watch both of them flying and playing around.

‌Piggyback rides are a must btw. Venti loves taking his adorable son to walks and sometimes even sings lullabies which never fail to make him sleepy. It's a very cute sight.

‌Truly, your little angel is the apple of your eye.

Razor

‌Oh boy this one is a bit tricky, cause you see....Razor doesn't know much about this kind of thing.

‌He has seen the birth of some of his packmates but he had no idea how it happened at all. Yet, here you two were. About to become parents.

‌You had to tell him the little you knew and asked Lisa to help and educate him on the subject. He was pretty determined to learn so he could properly protect you and his future "pups".

‌You had twins, two boys. And they turned out to be absolute fucking menaces.

‌They're so energetic no one other than themselves and sometimes Razor can keep up with them.

‌Your family of 4 decided to live near wolvendom. You had a cottage built in a safe area, all of this for your husband's comfort.

‌The silver haired man got better at talking and interacting with people as time passed but he still wanted to avoid it if he could, so you two talked about it and decided to raise your children in a balance between human society and nature.

‌Razor's way of bonding and playing with them is either roughhousing or taking them to hunt. He isn't very good when it comes to advice about complicated matters but he does tries his best.

‌He usually prefers to use physical touch as a reassuring method for the twins cause for him it's way easier than talking.

Liyue

Zhongli

‌Alright, this is pretty obvious but he's the perfect dad. This man has so much knowledge and has lived through so much shit that it's actually surprising he doesn't have an "heir" yet.

‌You two were blessed with a little girl who is literally, his princess.

‌Seriously she's so young but so polite already!!!! very kind and sometimes a little too mature for her age but you aren't that surprised considering who her father is.

‌Zhongli likes doing her hair, helping her pick her clothes and feels more than delighted in having her on his arms as often as possible.

‌Don't @ me on this but i'm a monsterfucker/kemono mimi enthusiast and i was bound to include my own fucking biases into this. He's a dragon and so is your baby.

‌Usually he retains his human form due to it being way more convenient but Zhongli does enjoy letting out his more draconic features when you are in the comfort of your house away from possible prying eyes and your daughter is the same.

‌It's the most adorable thing to see her cuddling with her father. Their tails tightly coiled together like some kind of hand-holding. Both of them letting out low and barely audible purrs(I don't care if dragons don't purr, they do know cause I said so, imagine it sounds like growling but softer and quieter).

‌He likes taking her to sightseeing as well! Your husband knows countless great spots that would make someone's jaw drop.

Xiao

‌Ok. Xiao had a lot of complicated feelings when you told him he was going to be a father. First of all he had trouble wrapping his head around it at ALL.

‌Him??? The conqueror of demons having a child???what???for the first time in eons he felt like his brain truly blue screened(even more than when he actually came into terms with the fact he loved you). Also he had no idea how to interact with children let alone even...how he was supposed to act as one of their guardians.

‌He needs constant reassuring. Tell him he won't be doing this alone, you'll be with him and both of you can learn along the way since there's no such a thing as perfect parents.

‌As much as it hurts me to say it the Yaksha is a bit of a distant dad. It's not cause he doesn't love his child, he does he REALLY does. But Xiao constantly worries about hurting your daughter and can't really understand how he helped you creating something so adorable and pure.

‌He usually watches over her from the shadows and shows up as soon as she calls his name just like he does to you.

"Papa!!!"

A little green haired girl yells to the wind.

"What is it? Are you in danger? Or perhaps your mother?"

The adeptus shows up almost instantly.

"No!! I just wanted to see you!!!"

She smiles as brightly as the sun as she says this.

"....I-I...I already told you to only call me when emergencies happen, didn't i?"

Her father's cheeks bloom in a rosy color. He looks to the side, hiding his face. Trying his best not to fall over dead due to his daughter's cuteness.

‌Xiao isn't very affectionate but he does pat his baby's head every now and then. Sometimes he sits through her talking about her day while making flower crowns, a soft but rare smile resting on his lips.

‌Do not let his tsundere behavior fool you this man is head over heels for his family. He loves you and your kid to death and he would die for both of you.

Chongyun

‌He's a very very very awkward dad. Don't even get me started on it, alright?

‌Low-key kinda strict to his son since he has to pass down his exorcist knowledge but won't force him to do more than what he can handle.

‌Unfortunately your baby inherited his father's constitution so you and your husband try to keep the house cool during the summer.

‌They usually eat popsicles together after training and talk about what he needs to improve and what he got right.

‌When it comes to comforting it's kinda gonna be up to you cause oh my god. Chongyun is as socially awkward as someone can get and your kid is very very shy. So you usually hug him or do some tricks with your vision so he can relax and stop overthinking.

Xingqiu

‌Doesn't have much time to spend with his family, unfortunately. Even if he has an older brother Xingqiu agreed to be responsible for a good amount of the feiyun commerce's guild job.

‌But for some reason, only god knows how, he always seem to be waiting for his little boy every night, holding a new book each time. An affectionate look in his eyes and ready to tell another bedtime story today too.

‌Xingqiu also encourages his son's creativity and they have writing competitions or sometimes even create a story together. You happen to be the judge of the contents btw, it hurts to choose everytime.

‌Also this child is an absolute little shit and he bullies his friends just as much as his father used to in his younger days. Even his sly smirk is identical, you can't with this duo, you just can't.

Inazuma

Arataki Itto

‌Oh my god. What a mess, istg. Listen, Itto loves his children to death and if anything happens to them he goes absolutely ballistic.

‌He brags about how cute they are to everyone.

‌Loves hugging, cuddling or anything physical touch related. He WILL shower them with love and affection and there's nothing they can do about it.

‌Is very eager to teach his 2 boys and 1 girl about their oni lineage, at this point they're already tired of hearing it.

‌Probably the most fun dad out of every genshin boy out there cause whatever his children are playing he immediately joins and takes it to another level.

‌Since Itto is really huge due to his yokai blood your kids are already pretty tall even at a young age and that might scare some other kids. But he's always there to tell them to not ever let oni stereotypes or rumors define who they are.

‌Also needless to say this himbo literally walks around unbothered with 3 yokai children climbing his body like a jungle gym.

‌Fears the day his little girl bring someone home and present them as her partner...no one is good enough for her, no one!!

Gorou

‌Imma be honest. You knew what you were getting into when you married this man.

‌Heat seasons, rut, courting rituals of his kind, you knew about it but it didn't exactly make the whole ride any less surprising.

‌Welcome to the world of being a mother of 4 puppies! 2 boys and 2 girls

‌Jokes aside they're all unbearably adorable and constantly whine for you and Gorou's attention. However as soon they get old enough to speak and walk things get... complicated.

‌They're way too energetic and love playing outside so you need to constantly have an eye on them so they don't get hurt or smth.

‌Nowadays your husband has a lot more opportunities to be with your family since he decided it was better to retreat from being a general in order to be able to raise his children properly.

‌The ex-general can be a little stern and use a little bit of an "intimidating" tone to reprimand them if they do something wrong but that's pretty rare. Usually Gorou can be seen brushing their tails, cuddling them to sleep, nuzzling their cheeks or giving them scratches behind the ears as they sleep on his lap.

‌He doesn't mind being himself true to his friendly, loveable and big hearted shiba nature when it's around your family.

Kaedehara Kazuha.

‌I think out of everyone he might be the most understandable and calm father ever. Does not raise his voice and always prefer to ask them about their feelings so he can properly understand them.

‌Kazuha didn't imagine he would settle down with anyone but here he is, teaching his daughter how to play the leaf flute.

‌Flowers still come out of his mouth when he speaks and you particularly think it's the most adorable thing ever, he's just so good with his words ♥(you are not biased at all, no sir). But he decided to tone it down a bit near your baby girl so she wouldn't be confused.

‌The samurai uses his anemo vision to play with her sometimes as well. Like engulfing her in a safer version of his chihayaburu and allowing her to "fly" even for a little.

‌Makes a promise to himself to always guide her and to make his family's happiness his top priority.

Kamisato Ayato

‌Another dad who cannot be with his child as much as he wish he did!

‌But my Lord he's trying, he tries so so hard to come back home as soon as possible but that's not always an option so he has to resort to letters or gifts.

‌It really does upsets him that he can't be the present father he wishes he was. Ayato doesn't want his son to feel the loneliness he didn't really allow himself to feel at the time due to having to take over the Kamisato clan head position.

‌When the commissioner IS able to return home he returns eager to see you, the love of his life and his baby boy waiting for him at the door.

‌One of the things Ayato loves doing is kissing your forehead. He thinks it's an adorable way to express his love for you and he happens to do that to your kid as well.

‌When they play shogi he always lets his son win, he absolutely cannot see his sad face, it breaks his heart.

Thoma

‌Alright, father who? He's the mother here. Not you, not anyone else, it's him.

‌He cooks, cleans and absolutely refuses to let you do anything(you have to force him to let you help) and also cause you're kinda banned from the kitchen. I'll leave the reason to y'all's imagination.

‌Anyway he's totally a perfect dad. All your 3 daughters love him to death and for a reason, he has so much golden retriever energy it's impossible to hate him.

‌Is the type that wakes his kids up by kissing their cheeks or tickling them. He has so much love to give, the sight makes your heart melt.

‌The hot-pot game turned into a regular thing between your family and boy...as always he ends up eating all the weird stuff, he's very unlucky.

‌Nags a bit but means well.

Sneznaya

Childe/Ajax

‌So, we got to Ed Sheeran huh?/j, alright alright sorry not sorry.

‌Anyway y'all saw this man. His family is huge and so is yours. You had triplets all gingers full of freckles, his genes strangled yours pretty much ( do not @ me abt actual biology i only work with anime logic).

‌Ya know how he treats Teucer? Imagine that but 5x worse. So you have to be the "boring" parent sometimes and tell him, for the love of god, stop giving his sons so many gifts, they have enough already.

‌You worry they won't be able to learn about humility so you told him to knock it off for a bit and he reluctantly agreed(the kids still get what they ask for 90% of the time tho).

‌Ajax is actually a big softie underneath his stupid fatui mask so it's pretty normal to see him hugging his boys or peppering kisses all over their faces. And he won't stop that until they're angsty teens probably.

‌Takes them to ice fishing or declares they'rel having a snowball fight(which they all force you to participate). Childe loves saying "It's an easy victory buy i still won't hold back" until the triplets are involved. He can and will let them win, he just wants to see their smiles.

[bigskydreaming]

Let alone representation that we could admit to watching, in terms of LGBTQ+ rep specifically. When I was in high school, there were no kids that were out whatsoever (Matthew Shepard died my freshman year of high school, and every former classmate who also came out after we graduated unanimously agreed that like, yeah, the jokes and reactions of most of our classmates that year were 100% what made the idea of coming out pretty much a non-starter as long as we were in high school), and of course I wasn't out at home either.

So it was that thing where I was like, I couldn't get caught watching something like Will & Grace - even though tons of my classmates watched it solely to make fun of it, in the vein of oh of course we're laughing, its a sitcom, but with specific jokes about WHY it was so funny that always kept gay people as a concept centered as the punchline. But it was mostly the girls in our class who watched it, and sometimes their boyfriends that they made watch it with them or whatever, and I didn't date much in HS bc I genuinely didn't know (well, believe) bisexuality was a thing until college and so I spent most of my teenage years convinced I was gay and just REALLY good at convincing myself I was attracted to girls in an effort to lie to myself about being straight, so like. LOL. Other than the big 'events' like Homecoming and Prom where you attracted more attention by not going, especially if you were on any of the sports teams or had any kind of popularity at all, I didn't do much dating beyond that.

Anyway, point is, there was no real way for me (in my mind) to 'justify' watching something like W&G if anyone asked why I was watching it, so I had this weird kinda jealousy about listening to the classmates who had no reason to feel threatened or unsafe by watching it, like, talk about it and what happened on it but only in the interest of trashing it. (And there was this one girl in my class who would make a point to ask 'suspected to be in the closet' guys if they'd watched a W&G episode and she was NOT subtle, like AT all, so while it could've just been closet paranoia, for me it definitely reinforced the idea that this show was a no-fly zone for me and would remain so for the foreseeable future).

But more mainstream or widely watched shows where gay characters showed up in minor roles, like Friends - those were 'safe,' so any time I heard anyone complaining about one of their favorite shows being ruined with gay shit and having a gay character or storyline added because of political correctness....I was like, okay cool, THAT I can add to the list and nobody has to know that I only started watching it BECAUSE of the gay storyline everyone else is complaining about.

Which of course meant the only other reactions or responses I was aware of, when it came to these characters and storylines, were from the classmates or friends/family who hated their very existence for distracting from or ruining their shows - so there was never really even a question of judging or rating how 'good' or 'bad' the actual representation was (at least not then, though I definitely had opinions later on in life, looking back on them in hindsight). Embracing the mere existence of those characters and storylines was a kind of defiance towards the homophobia that was the de facto critique everyone else had towards them, so like, at the time, trying to judge or rate the quality of the representation didn't even occur to me as a possibility. It was a moot point. Gay characters either exist in a show or they don't, and if they exist, well then, I stan.

(Fun fact: the only other closeted guys I was aware of when I was in HS, I 'picked up on' not because of some generalized conception of gaydar so much as just noticing which of my teammates or classmates were actually paying attention to the gay characters/storylines in popular TV shows. Like most of the other kids making jokes about them or complaining about them would get details wrong all the time, because they weren't actually WATCHING those characters or stories when they were onscreen, so they usually got as much wrong as they got right, when trash talking them with specifics. I remember one teammate I only clocked as in the closet when he piped up to correct someone else about what a gay character had done in the last episode of Undressed - an MTV anthology show, dunno if you remember it - anyway....he covered by being like 'no, no, it was actually even GAYER than what you were saying, he did this and this and this' and just adding on to the joke, but the fact that he'd paid enough attention to get the details right was the giveaway. He was actually my first kiss with a guy, lol. Though that was like months later, after I felt sure enough about him to risk feeling him out. The talk about that Undressed ep was just my first real clue.

Then senior year, Smallville came out and was popular with most guys in school, so it became a LOT easier to clock each other based on who studiously avoided looking at certain promo posters the show used a lot in Season One. Wonder if Tom Welling has any idea how many closeted gay and bi jocks he helped get laid those first couple seasons, lol).

But yeah. Anyway, random trip down memory lane, lmao. Trying to remember which shows I did watch in high school and which I avoided. Off the top of my head:

The Real World - watched as much as possible, though it did NOT help with the whole 'actually, bisexuality IS real and you're NOT just trying to fake your way to straightness' thing in certain seasons.

Melrose Place - was on my radar but I didn't WATCH it as it wasn't a show guys my age were admitting to watching. My mom and sister watched it though so I'd catch an episode or two under the guise of studying in the same room.

Beverly Hills 90210 - didn't watch often, as it wasn't typically a 'guys' show, but it was a big enough cultural phenomenon that it wasnt TOO weird to watch an ep or two of it. And if they just happened to be the few eps that had gay characters well. Coincidence!

Friends - Yup. Mainstream enough to not be a real problem.

Party of Five - tried to watch it more often than I did, again, not something anyone talking TV in the locker room was going to admit to watching, but as long as you had sisters who you complain about hogging the TV, didn't draw too much attention.

Spin City - Yup. Sitcom that skewed towards older audiences, but Charlie Sheen was popular enough that it wasn't attention-attracting to watch it often, even if you were only tuning in for the gay black guy everyone else made fun of.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Yup. Genre stuff was pretty much always safe.

Oz - YUP. This was trickier to watch at home with parents who were leery of its reputation cuz of the adult content, but plenty popular with guys at school cuz of how edgy it was, so it wasnt hard to find ways to keep up with it. The fact that Oz and its take on male sexuality was one of my biggest media influences as a teen led to unlearning a loooooot of stuff later.

Will & Grace - Nope. Here lay danger.

Sex and the City - was aware of its gay characters but it was not considered even close to being a 'safe' option.

Dawson's Creek - wanted to watch it, but despite its popularity it was VERY derided as a girls' show in ways even BH 90210 and Party of Five weren't. Ahh, misogyny's compounding effect on homophobia, particularly internalized homophobia. Fellow gay and bi guys, this is why solidarity with wlw is so critical. Most everything that made the closet as shitty and necessary as it often felt, started with misogyny and only weaseled its way into homophobia from there! Anyway, it was one of those unspoken things that if you were a guy and your sisters turned this on, you go do something else. Teen guys in the 90s one hundred percent believed this show had cooties.

Queer As Folk - Hahahahahahaahahahahahahaha no. I didn't watch this until YEARS later. I didn't even risk looking up anything about this show online, at home or at school.

Undressed - watched as much as possible, was pretty much the go-to for a closeted gay or bi guy who wanted to see gay or bi guys on TV, particularly in romantic and sexual situations. Much like the Real World though, did not do my early views of bisexuality (and whether or not it was even 'real') aaaaaaany favors.

Dark Angel - Watched as much as possible. Again, genre stuff was always safe. Original Cindy, my beloved fave, that show did not deserve you!

Xena - Again, I consider this LGBTQ+ fare and watched it for Xena and Gabrielle's dynamic. I just told everyone else I was watching it because Lucy Lawless kicking people and flipping around with a sword.

Aaaaaanyway. Goodbye closet. Goodbye 90s. Goodbye being a teenage boy in a conservative Catholic community. I do not miss aaaaaany of you.

@doublel27 I can never think about Friends without thinking of how wild it is that they wrote Susan having an absolutely on point and totally accurate view of (and disdain for) Ross, all while writing that as her being a mean old lesbian. I think that was probably my first instance of media being like "and this character is RIGHT but we still want you the audience to side against them because that side has the straight white guy who is sad."