#oh also im getting a lift with someone ive only met a couple times and they seem really lovely but that adds to the anxiety

[perfectsoundwhateverrr]

so i'm going to a friend's nye party tomorrow night but it's an hour away and i'll be staying the night, i really wanna see my friends but i am terrified of having a meltdown somewhere other than my house and around people i don't know. i've been having more frequent meltdowns and shutdowns and idk if i should risk it but staying at home will make me really sad and lonely.

[pinkykitten]

The Maze

Thomas x Taylor 

Warning: death, violence, cursing, spoilers (if u have not seen the movie dont read this)

Specifics: angst, fluff, romance, comedy, gifs, pics, aesthetics, oc, oc story, plus size, 600 followers competition 

People: too many to put down srry 

Words: 15,987 (omg this is the longest thing ive ever written in my life)

Requested: By @fyeahtaylorp (cannot tag) Ok so My OC’s name is Taylor she’s 5,5, plus size, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she’s sassy and confident most of the time. I was thinking maybe rebel Wilson as the actress she resembles. I want her to be with Thomas from the maze runner. I was thinking that they meet in the maze and she’s been there longer than him and they start as friends but when they escape the maze they grow closer especially after she’s taken away from the group when they get to wicked. Maybe she’s scared Thomas is into Teresa or Brenda but he’s is in love with her and she finds that out when he thinks something has happened to her and idk how to end it 😅😂

Authors Note: FINALLY IM ABOUT TO POST THIS AGHGHGHGHGH i am so srry this took so long ive been stressed lately and dealing with some personal issues but omg im so happy how this came out! i hope u guys like it as well and also its super long lol im srry. couple of things, i did not re read this cuz its too much so if there r mistakes then u know im not surprised. also i made my mind that i am not doing this every 100 more followers i get instead its every 300 more followers i get so next time i do a oc competition story will be when i reach 900 followers or if i lol thank u guys for the follow and i am totally getting back to writing i have a lot of things coming up that im excited for yay! hope u enjoy and thank u for requesting! 

previous oc story for my 500 followers: Erik Killmonger x oc Calantha Morrison 

“Stephen, Stephen...I need you. I’m scared.”

With a fright she woke up. Not understanding if her thoughts in her head while she slept were a dream or a reality. Everything she had just played in her mind was like a memory, it was as if Taylor lived through them.

She saw the sun beginning to rise, this was a sign to show her it was the start of the day. Her life seemed to be endless, it seemed to have no meaning. Everyday was unknown, unknown of where she came from or anything before the maze. She was stuck with many, many other young boys around her age, and some younger. It was unfair she felt to her and to the others.

“Where did I come from?” Taylor would ask herself from time to time, really pondering on that question.

As Taylor got up to start the day she got dressed in her ripped jeans and her long sleeve shirt, wearing her boots with it. “Time to begin the day.” She breathed out into the cool air but then she felt her most prized possession. Without even realizing she lifted her hand to touch her necklace. When she first arrived at the maze she was left with the necklace. It must mean something, but if only she knew what it meant, or who gave it to her? What did it signify?

“Hey Newt, hope you slept well,” Taylor smiled as she met with Newt for breakfast her stomach rumbling at the smell of Frypan’s food.

Newt chuckled, patting her arm as the walked to the others, “someone sounds hungry-

Taylor playfully hit his arm, “what’s that supposed to mean?

Newts face went pale as he thought that he had hurt Taylor’s feelings, “oh my, I’m sorry Tay.” She just laughed, “you’re fine Newt. But a girl’s gotta eat!”

Newt laughed at her statement and flung his arm over her shoulders, patting her soft arm in the process. They both walk to the breakfast area. Taylor sniffs the air and motions her way to the food. 

Taylor wiped her mouth as she stood up, enjoying her breakfast especially since she spent it with her friends. It was tough being the only girl in the Glade. Nobody there understood her, they tried to but it was difficult. It was just biology, she was a female and they, they were inexperienced boys. 

As Taylor’s boots trudged through the high, green grass she looked at the huge stone cold walls. The maze it what made everything in life seem impossible. Taylor stared at it, maybe if she stared at it long enough it would go away, but sure enough the concrete barriers were still there, almost seeming to laugh at her. 

“Hey you okay Tay?” Newt asked, concerned as he placed his hand on her shoulder. A smile growing on his lips. 

Taylor nodded and laughed, “yeah I was just thinking thats all. So these tulips, they are very beautiful.” Your hands landed on the flowers of Newt’s garden. The petals were soft and the scent was so pleasing. “Good job Newt, these are gorgeous!”

“Well, you helped me out with them, remember?”

Taylor chuckled, “yeah, I do.” She went to start by getting more suitable dirt for the produce and started taking out any weeds. Then watering them and adding food. 

As Taylor was about to replant some items she heard a lot of commotion coming from, “the box...”

Taylor sprinted to the elevator. All the boys were making a commotion. She squeezed through them and saw...him. Her heart started to beat fast as his light brown eyes met hers. Her blue ocean eyes widened when she saw him. She felt like she had met this boy before but she didn’t know where or how. When the boy’s face lands on her he seems to take a pause and as if inspect her. Gally takes him out of the box and they all corner him, not giving the newcomer space. 

“Hey guys give him some space!” Taylor shouted at the other boys, pushing them away from the newbie. Just then the newcomer makes a run for it. 

“We got a runner!” One of the kid yells. 

Taylor mentally slaps herself at how the others treated the new one. As the new boy falls and trips on the grass, Taylor motions to him. 

“Hello new one, I’m Taylor.” She stuck out her hand, a smile on her face. “Welcome home.”

Taylor and Newt show the ropes to the new kid, him still not remembering his name which she told him he will later on remember but his past will be always forgotten. She explained how everyone in the Glade has a job. “Alby, our leader, was the first one here, but we all have jobs here. Newt likes to garden.”

“And what do you do?” The boy asked, really interested in Taylor. 

Taylor put her hands on her hip all sassy, “well me-”

“Oh no here we go,” Newt laughed, knowing Taylor was about to make a speech of how important and how amazing her job is. 

“I’m a map maker. We have our runners who run the maze and every time they finish the maze they come to me! They tell me whats changed and what to add more. Its a team work and yes Newt to me it is one of the most important jobs. Just saying!”

As Taylor said this the runner came out of the Maze before it closed. 

With Newt’s permission Taylor shows the boy all the different areas and just a little bit about everything of his new home. 

They two sit on a log by the fire with the rest of the kids. Taylor hands the boy a drink to which he thinks taste bad. 

“So out there,” the boy points to the maze. “What happens out there?”

Taylor knew what horrible monster crawled those wall but she did not want to scare the new one, “I don’t really know, remember I’m no runner and for good reason. I could never run all that, I’m too slow.”

The boy laughs, “does anyone stay the night in the maze?”

Taylor shakes her head, her golden blonde hair also moving with her, “no, they wouldn’t survive. I don’t think, but any ways this is your first day here. Lets not worry about those things and instead worry about you having some fun tonight.” She saw the boy was not having it and was not wanting to have fun. With a sigh she sat firmly next to him. “Do you see those stars?”

The boy looks to the black sky, “there are millions of stars.”

“Yeah but these are yours.” She grabbed the boy’s hand and lead him to a bright twinkling star. “I can see that you are going to do just fine here. In fact many will trust, respect, and one will truly love you forever. Your time here will be something of learning and teaching to everyone.”

The boy nodded with surprise, “you got that all from that star, or are you just trying to make me feel better?”

“The stars never lie Greenie.” She puts her hand out to him as he takes it. They stand up to talk somewhere more private but as they do Gally throws a guy to the boy. 

They both start competing. “Okay Gally thats enough, he’s new here!” Taylor shouts to him over the other boys screaming and cheering. As she thought that the newbie would not win he pushes Gally to the floor. Everyone including Taylor cheers for the boy, but Gally kicks him making the greenie fall on his head. 

“My name is Thomas.” The boy stands up screaming with pure joy. “My name is Thomas, its Thomas!”

“Hooray for Thomas,” Taylor exclaims, slapping a hand on Thomas’s shoulder. The crowd goes wild for him. 

“Welcome home Thomas,” Alby says as he hand him a drink. 

The next day was hectic. One of the runners named Ben was stung by a griever and he attacked Thomas. Taylor heard the commotion and helped Newt hit Ben on the head with a shovel. Then Alby told the boys to lift Ben’s shirt. Seeing the stung made Taylor’s heart ache, she can see the pain and sadness of knowing in Ben’s eyes. She left with tears in her eyes. 

Taylor, Chuck and Alby all sat Thomas down to explain what had happened, to explain the nightmares that lay beyond those walls. 

She knew what was to happen the next day though. Ben is forced to enter into the maze and left their to die. There is no cure for the stung. Seeing this made Taylor cry, hating the outcome of life. 

Later on, Minho who is the lead runner and Alby go in the maze to retrace Ben’s steps. 

As Taylor awaited for them she spent the time with Thomas. Her hands were sweaty and she was nervous for them. Thomas made her feel safe and better. 

“I’m scared Thomas. I wish Ben’s life would not have ended that way, I hate when this happens.”

Thomas grabbed her hand and reassuringly rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. The action made Taylor blush and feel some sort of attraction to the newbie. “Every things gonna be fine Tay, remember the stars.” He smiled to her as he moved a piece of stray hair behind her ear. 

Taylor held onto Thomas’s hand and onto her necklace, just awaiting for the others. 

Finally at dusk Taylor and the others wait my the entrance of the maze. The doors have opened but there is no Minho or Alby. Taylor’s heart starts to pound, fast. She is frightened and scared. With her left hand to her lips she quickly searches for Thomas’s hand, her right soft one clasping his calloused hand.

“Why are they taking so long.” She whispered under her breath, clutching onto Thomas hand harder. 

“C’mon guys can’t we send someone after them?” Thomas asked, already looking worried. 

Gally squatting by the floor says, “that’s against the rules.”

Taylor rolls her eyes and massages her temple. 

“Either they make it back or they don’t.”

Newt looks at Taylor and Thomas, “can’t risk loosing anyone else.”

Suddenly, a huge gust of wind blows at the group awaiting. Taylor puts her arm up to shield herself from the particles in the wind. 

Then the maze gears start to turn and the maze walls start closing slowly. 

“Oh no,” Chuck whispers. 

“No please no,” Taylor starts to panic. Seeing the door start to close. 

“There,” points Thomas. 

In the distance of the maze Minho is carrying Alby, it seems as if he is hurt. 

“Oh my god look there right there,” Taylor shouts, feeling happy that she sees them, but they are so far away. 

“Wait something is wrong,” Newt points out. 

“Oh no,” Taylor says worried. 

“C’mon Minho you can do it!” Shouts Chuck. 

The rest of the boys start to cheer for Minho, Gally saying for Minho to leave Alby there. 

“C’mon Minho, hurry Minho! You can do this!” Taylor screams as loud as she can. Her heart racing every second that goes by. 

“They’re not gonna make it,” Newt and Taylor realize. 

“They’re too far away,” Taylor cries, tears going down her face. 

The maze walls getting close to shutting fully Taylor is at this point gripping Thomas arm so hard. 

Minho screams as he tries to drag Alby to the entrance of the maze, going as fast as he can. 

“He’s not gonna make it,” Taylor whispers. Every one is screaming, shouting, trying to push Minho to go faster. She looks around to all the scared faces, all the faces that seem to have hope. Taylor looks in front, feeling helpless as she cries more. 

Thomas realizes what must be done and without a second thought he runs ahead with only a few inches left until the maze closes. 

“NO THOMAS!” Taylor screams in a high pitched scream as she tries to grab Thomas. 

Everything else was like a flash before her eyes. Her Thomas was gone. 

“NO!!!!”

The door to the maze fully closed and Taylor fell onto the dirt, crying, knowing Thomas, Minho, and Alby were already gone. 

“No Thomas, why?” She cried as she wrapped herself in her sweater, wanting to feel his hand once again. 

She waited there all night, wrapping herself tighter in her sweater, clutching onto the necklace. 

“Taylor, you can’t stay here all night.” Newt said as he sat beside her, looking up the maze. 

“Yes I can and I will. Did you see what Thomas did Newt? He risked his life,” she stood up and placed her delicate cold hands on the stone wall. “He is  a hero, Newt. He’s probably scared, I just,” she gave a big sigh. “I just want him to be safe. He was one of the good ones, I saw it.”

Newt nodded his head and stayed with Taylor for as long as he could, when it was time to go to sleep he left Taylor with her thoughts. Taylor traced over the names of those who had passed away. Scolding herself for thinking that the name Thomas would be carved there. “C’mon Thomas, you gotta make it. You just gotta.”

When morning came Taylor was the first one waiting there for them. Her feet tapped subconsciously on the dirt floor. 

The door of the maze opened up and Taylor, Chuck, Newt and some others were there as well. Taylor held onto Chuck’s hand and he hugged her, trying to reassure here. 

“I’m here for you Taylor,” Chuck said.

“Thanks Chuck.” Chuck was like a little brother to Taylor. He was such a happy boy and just so kind it made her feel thankful to know him. 

Taylor and Chuck were so hopeful, just wanting to see the others there at the entrance of the maze. 

But nobody was there. 

“Told you guy,” Newt started. “they’re not coming back.”

Every one was starting to loose faith as they walked away, preceding with their life. Not Taylor though and Chuck. They stood and waited. 

Taylor looked down, starting to also loose faith as she didn’t see them coming. 

“No way,” said a boy as Taylor lifted her head she saw...

them. 

“Yeah!” Cheered Chuck. 

“Oh my god, yes! Yes!” She started to squeal. Taylor was overjoyed and so happy to see them. 

Thomas and Minho both worked together in saving Alby. They made it through the doors and laid Alby on the floor. 

Taylor’s eyes started to become glassy, they were starting to tear up at the sight before her. 

“You saw a griever?” Chuck asked, looking at Minho and Thomas. 

“Yeah I saw one.” Thomas said, out of breath. 

Minho shook his head, “he didn’t just see it, he killed it.”

The whole group looked at Thomas, shocked. Taylor smirked and hugged Thomas, “I knew there was something special about you.”

Thomas chuckled and hugged Taylor back. 

They arrive back to the hut where they all sit down and discuss what has changed within the maze. 

“This is where the magic happens,” Taylor whispered to Thomas as she gave him a wink. As they walked in there laid the map. It was unlike any other map. It was not made out of paper, no, it was made out of sticks, rocks. It showed where turns were made, how abstract the maze truly was. 

“Wow, this is what you guys do?” Thomas asked, mesmerized by how Taylor and her team had built the maze replica. 

“Yeah, now you’re a part of it.” Taylor bit her lip, trying to hold in her immense smile knowing now she gets to spend moments with Thomas. 

Thomas looks up at Taylor and grins at her, “well first off we went through here.”

Thomas and Minho sat in front of Taylor, telling her every little detail on how the maze has changed. They place the rock that they had written each section of the place and put it in its proper area.

Thomas peers around the room which makes Taylor uncomfortable. The room is dark, dull, it smells of copper, so much that someone could taste it. Taylor was the same way when she peered into the map making room, to her it was a bit scary, but if it was going to save the lives of all these kids, she would sacrifice her nose smell for a little bit. 

As Taylor listens to Minho’s route she stares intently at one piece, “hey maybe this is a pattern?”

The group discussed all night, for many hours. Words exchanging, ideas, thoughts, it was a long, long night. 

The next day as Taylor is tending to the garden she hears the unusual sound. The creaking of the box. 

“Guys! Guys come check this out!” She shouts as she runs to the elevator. The others arrive as well and the person that is shown shocks every one. 

“What in the world?” Some ask as they stare at this...

“Its a girl...,” Taylor crawls in the box as she stares at another girl. She’s not just the only girl anymore. A part of her feels happy and glad but another part of her feels, jealous. She did not understand why.

Newt jumps in as well, “yeah you’re right Tay...its another girl.”

They all stare in amazement and curiosity. Why would they be sent another girl? 

“Whats in her hand?” Gally asks. Newt takes out the paper in her hand and written on the small piece it says, ‘shes the last one ever’. Taylor’s face looks confused, what could this mean?

“What the hel* does that mean?” Newt looks up at Taylor. 

The new girl suddenly wakes up with a gasp, her breathing very hard. As she is struggling to regain her breath she utters only one name, “Thomas...”

The boys and Taylor look at Thomas, expecting him to know why this new girl said his name. He gave a look back of unknowing. 

As the three, Taylor, Thomas, and Minho discuss more about the maze in the map room some boys come around to the entrance. 

““What are you guys doing? You’re not allowed here,” Taylor tries to shoo them off but they stand their ground. “But its the girl.”

“What is she awake?” Thomas questions. 

The two boys look at each other then at Taylor’s group, “yeah well, you can say that.”

As Taylor runs to where the new girl is at Chuck chuckles and points up, “Girls are awesome.”

Taylor shoots him a face of annoyance, “really shank? Now you realize that?” She looks up to see the newbie throwing rocks at the boys down below. “Are you serious?” 

The boys have shields and are trying to diffuse the situation. 

“We just want to talk,” intervenes Thomas, but still the new girl keeps throwing rocks. 

“Let me handle this,” Taylor says as she stand in front of the boys. “Hello there fellow girl. How bout me and you talk? Just us girls only, hmm?”

The girl pauses with the rocks for a moment and that lets Taylor go up. 

As she climbs up she sees the girl there, huddled probably scared. 

“Hi there,” Taylor greets her with a smile. “Don’t worry none of the boys are coming up.”

“You’re a girl?” The new one asks, looking at Taylor up and down. 

Taylor nods, “yeah, I’m the first girl. Its nice to see another one, lets me have closure. Knowing I can relate to you.”

“How come I can’t remember anything?”

“Don’t worry, that happens to us all. I don’t remember anything, my past, memories, they are all gone. All I have is this to remind me that I did have a past.” Taylor pulls up her necklace for the new girl to see it. 

“Its beautiful.”

“Thanks, now you might remember your name a few hours from now or the next day.”

“My name is Teresa.”

Taylor is shocked a little. The new girl remember’s her name already. Something was way off about this Greenie. “Well Teresa my name is Taylor, nice to meet you.”

Behind Taylor climbs a Thomas. Teresa quickly pulls out a machete and points it at him. 

“Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy alright?”

“Yeah its okay Teresa, he’s one of the good guys,” Taylor smiles at Thomas. Thomas gives a little grin to Taylor at the comment she said. 

“So your name is Teresa?” Thomas asks as he settles next to Taylor. Teresa nods while Thomas introduces himself. “Teresa, I’m Thomas. But you already knew that, I guess, huh?”

Teresa still pointing the blade at Thomas looks to Taylor, “they said I kept saying his name in my sleep.” She turns to look at Thomas, “who are you?”

“He doesn’t know either,” Taylor says. “No one here remembers anything. We are just like you.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor lap, “yeah, shes right. We all woke up in that box just like you. We are all the same. So I’m gonna take this.” Thomas takes the machete out of Teresa’s hand and gives it to Taylor. “Okay.”

Taylor let out the breath she had been holding. Taylor and Thomas stood by with Teresa, to make sure she felt safe. But there were so many questions that needed answering. 

Thomas, Minho, Winston, Zart and Frypan enter into the maze. Taylor says her goodbyes to them but as Thomas is about to leave Taylor meets with him. 

“I wanted to give you something before you go.” Taylor hands Thomas a sheet of paper, on the paper is drawn a butterfly on a flower. It looks so realistic and it is shaded nicely. “Its a little something so you remember me in there.”

Thomas smiles and brings Taylor into a long, tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you,” he murmurs in her ear. 

Taylor does not want to let go. She wants to keep holding onto him forever, “Please be careful out there. Please come back to me.” She cradles his face with her hands giving him a painful goodbye. He lets go and enters in the maze with the rest of the boys. 

When they return Gally states that Thomas has jepordized the peaceful relationship between the Gladers and the Grievers. 

“Really Gally? Just because they found that device inside one? Maybe that could be a way out!” Taylor tried to reason with him. But it was no use. Gally wanted him punished. 

“Wait a second, why don’t we just make Thomas a runner?” Newt suggested patting Taylor’s back knowing she would back him up on this idea. 

“That’s a great idea, second-in-command.” She expressed and put more emphasize on second-in-command to show he was high in social level. “Thomas would make a great runner.”

So it was made, Thomas ended up being designated as a runner. 

Minho guides Thomas to the maze Taylor built again. Now its more important than ever to really pay attention to the model since the boys found some new clues. 

“Three years,” Taylor says as she walks around the table where the model is being displayed. “Three years of exploration and finally now, now that you Thomas are making a difference, we are actually getting somewhere.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor’s waist making Taylor blush. Minho spots the attraction between them and gives a smirk. He coughs and raises his brow, “...well then, along with what Taylor said the Maze’s numbered sections open and close in a regular sequence, that might be a code.”

Taylor peers at the device and then at the model of the maze. “Yeah, look. The device is numbered to correspond to a certain section within the maze. With this device we may be able to actually escape!”

This was good new to every one. Finally, a chance to escape, finally a chance to see the other world. That hope that Taylor longed for just seemed so out of reach mere seconds ago, yet when she says the plan it seems as if now it is lightly grazing her fingertips. Like she can feel it.

Taylor walks in on Teresa with two syringes. Taylor gave a face of curiosity. She did not know what liquid was in those shots and yet before Taylor could ask, Teresa already stuck it into Alby. 

“What did you do to him?” Taylor raised her fists to Teresa but she just put her hands up in defense. 

“Its okay Taylor!...Its okay. This is gonna help him.”

Taylor side eyed Teresa, “How do I know you’re not lying, hmm?”

Teresa shrugged, “you’re just gonna have to trust me.”

Taylor angry leaves the hut that Alby is in and goes into the woods to read and draw, trying to block out her. Taylor was not one to feel self-conscious, or jealous but when she saw Teresa she felt those evil things. When she saw Teresa with Thomas the anger boiled more within her. Taylor knew in her head that Teresa and Thomas must have had history together so Taylor knew she did not have a chance, and the thin girl always wins. 

That day Thomas and Minho again went into the Maze. When they came back Thomas was oddly happy to see Taylor. 

Thomas ran up to her and gave her a big hug. 

“Whats this for?” Taylor chuckles, deepening the hug. 

“Tay,” Thomas puts his hands on her cheeks, it looks as if he is about to kiss her. “We may have found a way to get out of here, to get out of this maze. Wouldn't you like that?”

Taylor smiles, “I would love that Thomas.” She then laces her fingers with his wanting to show him that she does care and that he does matter. Thomas looks at the two hands together and starts coming in closer to Taylor but then Gally interrupts and starts to have an argument with Thomas. The argument is cut short when Teresa says that Alby’s awake. Feeling relief Taylor makes her way over to his hut to see how he is doing. 

“Has he said anything?” Minho asks, worry clearly evident in his voice. 

“No,” Teresa answers. 

“Alby, Alby you alright?” Newt asks, looking into Alby’s eyes as he rests next to him on his bed.

“Lets not over crowd him guys. I don’t want to scare him or makes him feel uncomfortable.” Taylor says, standing next to Thomas and squatting to get a good eyes level with Alby. 

“Hey Alby,” Thomas said as he squats next to Taylor. “We might of just found a way out of the maze. You hear me, we could be gettin out of here.”

Alby then whispers the next two words, tears falling down his face. “We can’t...we can’t leave. They won’t let us.”

“What are you talking about?” Thomas asks, uncertain. 

“I remember,” Alby says, making Taylor gasp. 

“What do you remember?” Thomas questions Alby. 

“You.”

“Thomas, what is he talking about?” Taylor’s eyes searching for an answer as she looks to Thomas. 

“And you...Taylor. You two were always their favorites. Always.”

Taylor’s heart started to beat at an uncontrollable rate. She felt unable to breathe. Alby knew something of her past that she doesn’t even know. Did she know Thomas before the maze? Her head was starting to spin, her whole life seemed like a mystery to her. 

“Why did you do this?” Alby’s tears came out more as he stared at Taylor and Thomas. “Why did you two come here?”

There is a lot of commotion outside the tent. The whole group goes outside to see what all the ruckus is when they are met with something of their nightmares. 

That night the maze entrance does not close leaving the Grievers to pour into the glade. It was a war between the Gladers and the monsters. Every one who knew Taylor knew about her fears. One of her fears was spiders, and to her these Grievers looked like gigantic, scary, spiders. Taylor and the rest of the gang tried their hardest to fight against the demons but some won. Some of your group including Zart and the beloved Alby passed due to the fighting. It was a struggle to fight and to try to win. Taylor kept close to Thomas, making sure he was safe before her in any of this. 

As the fight finished Taylor looked around her. The home she knew all these years was broken, it was devastating. All their produce was gone, everything was up in flames. But Taylor did not blame Thomas for any of it, instead she embraced his actions knowing things were gonna change soon. 

Gally came furious to Thomas and punched him, blaming him for all the mess and how the Grievers are now angry with the Gladers. In an attempt to regain his memories, Thomas stabs himself with a  Griver stinger. 

“No! Thomas what are you doing?” Taylor called out to him, catching him as he fell after the impact of the sting. 

She waits, and waits. Since Thomas was knocked unconscious because of the sting, Gally made it that Thomas was put in a cell. So Taylor waited right next to the cell until Thomas woke up. She kept looking at him and then at her necklace. She felt like all this time she knew Thomas, something within her made her feel some sort of attraction towards Thomas. Like if they were meant to be. 

Thomas woke up, his eyes shooting open as if he were amazed or surprised. 

“Thomas you’re awake!” Taylor shoots him a smile as she combs back her blonde hair with her hands. “I have some bad news for you.”

All the while Taylor is telling him how Gally is going to sacrifice him and Teresa, Thomas cannot stop looking at her with a face. He just stares into those blue eyes, knowing full well the whole story, the reason for that necklace. He knows about her past, her memories. But he chose to keep that inside...for now. 

“Are you okay Thomas?”

“Why do you never give up on me? Like, here, you always takes my side, are always by my side, why?”

Taylor just shrugged, “I don’t know. I just feel comfortable and safe around you. Someone who makes me feel that way couldn’t be bad.”

Thomas smiles and puts his fingers through the cell spaces. Taylor grabs his fingers and with a heart warming grin opens the cell for him. 

Without Taylor, Thomas goes to the other to tell them about what he remembered. As Gally tries to sacrifice Thomas and Teresa, the other Gladers free them and are on their way through the maze. 

Taylor is very much afraid, going through the maze. She is afraid of the what she calls spiders, but the Grievers. As she walks through with the others for the first time Thomas holds her hand in his. 

“I’m here Tay. I’m gonna protect you.”

That made Taylor feel at more ease. As Taylor and the group come face to face with the monsters, Thomas saves and protects Taylor. They make it past through the Grievers, some from the group have passed but the survivors stumble upon a laboratory. 

“What in the hel* is this?” Taylor asks as she and the others see dead scientists and technicians there. “It looks like there was a shootout here or something.”

Suddenly a woman in a video recording shows up. Her name is Ava Paige, she starts explaining that the planet is broken by a solar flare, and then there’s the deadly virus called the Flare that if someone were to have it, it would affect the brain. The Gladers, Taylor, are immune to the flare. She then learns how all this, the maze, the chaos, all the hel* that they were put through was for an experiment. It was to study their brains as it worked as a resistance to the virus. Taylor feels as if she knows the woman, she keeps an eye on her while Thomas stares at Taylor, knowing the full story. 

Taylor can see in the background of the video, these men start coming out in these mercenary clothing and start shooting the others there. Dr. Paige lifts a gun to her head and before she shoots herself she utters these last words, “and remember, W.C.K.D is good.” She pulls the trigger and shoots the bullet in her head. 

Taylor shouts in surprise and puts her face to Thomas’s chest. Thomas pats her back lovingly and looks completely shocked, not knowing what the next step is.

 As Taylor looks back she sees, “Gally?” The whole group turns around and sees that Gally is there. It appears as if he has been stung from a Griever. He has a gun in his hand, his body starts shaking as he starts to tear up. 

“Gally...stop what you are doing. We can talk about this.” Taylor tries to reassure him as she puts her hand in front of Thomas to protect him. 

“We can’t leave.” Gally starts as he shaking his head. 

“We did Gally, we’re out.” Thomas says as he’s on alert mode. Nobody knowing what Gally is going to do next. “We’re free.”

“Free?” Gally laughs as he looks around. “You think we’re free out there? No, no there’s no escape from this place.” He then lifts the gun at the group. Every one gasps and walks back. Thomas tries to reason with him. “Gally listen to me. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not.”

Taylor turns around to see Minho tighten his grip around his spear. 

“And we can help you,” Thomas pleads. “Just put down the gun.”

With his gun pointing directly at Thomas, Gally cries, “I belong to the maze.”

“Just put down the gun,” Thomas says again. 

“We all do,” Gally says as he’s about to shoot. 

“Gally!” Thomas and Taylor scream as Chuck goes in front of Thomas and Taylor. Every thing happened at the speed of light. The gun was shot but Minho threw his spear directly into Gally’s chest. Every one is scared and shocked at the sight before them. Gally is struggling to breathe as he falls atop the broken pieces of glass. Just as Taylor thought everything was going to be okay Chuck starts to breathe differently. 

“Thomas,” Chuck says as he looks at him and Taylor looks down to his chest to see the bullet shot Chuck. 

“No, oh god please no,” Taylor starts crying as Thomas catches him before he fell to the floor. 

“Oh shi*, oh shi*,” Thomas panics as he runs his hands up and down Chucks face and chest, not knowing what to do with the wound. “Look at me, Chuck just hang on.” Thomas tries to talk him into staying alive, giving him words of encouragement. Taylor’s vision starts to become blurry from all her crying. 

As Chuck struggles to breathe he hands Thomas the carving he did that he was going to give to his parents. He is now entrusting that Thomas finish the quest. 

“No, Chuck you’re gonna give that to them, remember? You’re gonna live, my sweet Chuck.” Taylor voice comes out in broken sobs but at the same time her voice is soothing and comforting. Her hands go to stroke Chuck’s curly hair, wanting his death to be as peaceful as possible. 

“Thank you,” Chuck smiles as he looks up to Taylor and then Thomas. His breathing is loud and then...it stops. Those were Chuck’s last words. 

“Chuck? Chuck, hey. Hey, Chuck c’mon! Oh my god!” Thomas sobs as he sees his friend die right in front of him. His eyes still open as he fell asleep in death. Taylor looks up to see the rest of the group crying as well. She starts by putting a hand on Thomas’s back but she as well is sobbing vigorously. “Oh Chuck.”

Suddenly, a door opens and a bright light falls through the room. These men start running in as Teresa calls out for him. Thomas does not care, his tears and crying are all that comes out of him. Taylor puts her hand on her mouth and closes her eyes as she cries some more. The men come in and take the others away, but the pull Taylor and Thomas away from Chuck’s body. As they try to take Thomas away Thomas wiggles out of their grasp and crawls away to Chuck’s body. They pull him away as he cries to let him go. Taylor and the rest run out into a whole landscape of sandy dunes. Every one is ushered into a helicopter. As they throw Thomas in, Taylor grabs him and sits next to him, holding his hand. The masked man reassures the others that they are safe. The helicopter flies up and down below is the maze. Taylor opens her mouth in shock as she sees what the maze truly looks like. All her life that’s all she’s ever know. She was afraid to see what life was like after all this. 

“Relax kid, everything's gonna change,” the masked man says. 

Taylor looks out the window to the new possibilities, to the new future of her life. 

It had been a couple of years since Taylor was rescued, along with other Gladers, from the maze. They are all taken to a facility by a man named Mr. Janson. He tells the group that the building is a safe haven, it will protect them. That they are protected by WCKD, the virus and the after math of the virus...cranks. He also gives food, clothes, and sanitation. There are also others from different mazes present there.

Taylor met one girl that was also in her shoes. She was part of a maze as well. She was also bigger than most of the girls so Taylor and her had a lot in common. Her name was Jessica. On the first night that they stayed, Taylor felt afraid and unsure but Jessica made her feel welcomed and safe. 

(this is Jessica: oc, models name is Paloma Elsesser)

During lunch after Taylor would talk with her friends she would then talk with Jessica. 

“Don’t you feel its a little bit...odd.” Taylor asks one day as she stares at the people working at the facility. 

“What do you mean by odd?” Jessica raises her brow. 

“I mean, why would they give us all this? Like what are they really doing behind closed doors?”

“I don’t know about you but I’m happy with having these things. I think you’re just worrying too much.”

Taylor bit her lip as she nodded, “yeah you’re probably right.”

No...Taylor was very wrong. Thomas and another boy from another maze named Aris Jones went to inspect what was really happening behind closed doors. To Taylor it was horrific. She felt that every one here lied to her. They learned that Dr. Ava Paige is still alive and that Mr. Janson is working for WCKD. Taylor even learned that they were experiment on the immunes and Janson has yet to find the Right Arm, which is a resistance group located in the mountains. 

“Tay, they lied to us. All of us,” Thomas says as he tries to convince her. Taylor nods and hugs him. “Don’t worry Thomas, I would never lie to you. And besides we will always find a way out.” She smiles up at him and as they get closer and closer Jessica interrupts, “Oh am I ruining something here?”

Taylor puts her hand on her hip and chuckles, “no you’re not. C’mon I have a lot of explaining to do with you.” 

The group including Aris and Jessica escape the facility. Everyone runs to the doors as they announce on the speakers the count down. Thomas holds Taylor’s hand as they run while Jessica holds onto Newt’s hand. 

As Thomas tries to put the card in to open the door Mr. Janson and his group show up. The door isn’t opening though. 

“Aw shi*, it looks like its jammed!” Taylor becomes worried as Thomas keeps re trying and re trying. 

“Oh my god we’re not gonna make it,” Jessica bits her nails. 

“Thomas!” Yells rat-face. Everyone starts panicking and they start hitting the door while Thomas grabs the gun he’s holding and points it to Mr. Janson. 

“Open this door Janson,” Thomas comes closer with the gun, while Janson holds his hands up in surrender mode. 

“You really don’t want me to!”

“Open the dam* door!” Thomas screams while Taylor and Minho try to go through the door. 

“Listen to me! I’m trying to save your life. The maze is one thing but you kids would not last a day out in the scorch. If the elements won’t kill you, the cranks will. Thomas, you have to believe me. I only want whats best for you.”

Finally Thomas shows Janson’s true colors, he reveals the secret Janson has been keeping. “Yeah let me guess, WCKD is good?”

Janson becomes agitated and he lets his arms down, “you’re not getting through that door Thomas. 

“Its unlocked!” Taylor shouts as the door starts to move upward. On the other side you are met with Alvis and Winston. “Hey guys.”

“C’mon,” Frypan says as he runs out. Everyone goes except for Taylor. Taylor wants to wait for Thomas so she moves next to him. “C’mon Thomas we have to go! Lets go!” Thomas starts shooting Janson and his men as he backs up with Taylor. The gun stops working and he throws it to the men. As Thomas turns around to run away he grabs Taylor’s hand and they run together to the door with Janson and his men following them. 

Janson says in his watch, “shut the main vault door. Shut the main vault door!”

As Taylor and Thomas are running to the door, the door starts to close. 

“No!” Shouts Teresa. 

Taylor grasps Thomas’s hand so hard as she runs for dear life. 

The group starts to shout at the two of them, “C’mon Thomas, Taylor! C’mon!”

The door almost closes as Taylor and Thomas slide under the small gap that was left. The two make it leaving Taylor so terrified. 

“Oh my god girl you scared me!” Jessica says as she grabs Taylor in a tight hug, helping her get up. “C’mon we gotta go.”

Alvis hits the lock so that Janson cannot get through. As the group is about to leave Winston grabs a gun making Taylor do the same. Thomas sees that Janson cannot get through so he puts his middle finger up, making Taylor laugh. They all run away. Taylor holding onto Jessica’s hand as they make it to the exit. The alarm sounding off. Thomas opens the huge doors and whats shown out there is really a windy sandy place. Taylor’s afraid and she holds onto Jessica’s hand tighter. 

“We got this Tay,” Jessica says with a smile. “We gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

Taylor nods and the group get out and into the scorch. 

Taylor and the rest end up at an abandoned market place. Its dark and very spooky, no light reaching inside at all.

“Wow its so dark, man,” Jessica puts her hands out in front of her to prove a point. 

Minho then starts the generator and as the lights come on it looks as if people were here before. There are tents and blankets resting on the floor, lights that are strung above the items. More lights keep turning on, lamps, small lights, they keep flashing on. Minho smiles thinking every thing is fine until a, what seems to be a woman, comes slamming on the fence door. Her mouth and eyes are pitch black and she has veins all over her face. 

Minho and Taylor scream in unison, “Thomas watch out!”

“What the hel* is that?” As Taylor stands next to Minho, bringing Thomas back. As those words left her mouth there was more screeching behind them. Taylor, Minho, and Thomas turned around and out came a whole group of them. 

“Oh my god theres more!” Taylor said backing away, her backpack behind her carrying her gun.

One of them came limping to the group but Minho picked up a sledgehammer and smacked the thing with it. 

“What the hell is that thing?” Minho asks, his flashlight shining on them. Out in the distance more of them came, “C’mon we gotta go! We gotta go!” Thomas shouted, pulling Taylor by her jacket with him. Running out the double doors the Cranks are right behind them. Taylor helps the boys to close the door before the crank could come in. 

“Hold it down!” Shouts Minho. 

“What?” Thomas asks. Taylor sees Minho is having some trouble pushing the huge cabinets to cover the door so she goes next to him and helps push. “Watch out Thomas!” Taylor exclaims as the cabinet falls to cover the door. 

Now, cranks are coming out of every corner. “Oh shi*,” Taylor mutters as Thomas grabs her hand and they all run away. Making it up the escalator Taylor follows Thomas but she slips and her foot gets caught in the escalator. Thomas and Minho almost up ahead don’t take notice of her fall. Taylor, panicking tries to take her foot out but it is really stuck. She turns her head back and sees the cranks coming closer. “Thomas! Minho!” Her screams echoes through the building and Thomas turns around not seeing Taylor. 

“Minho wheres Taylor?!?”

Minho shrugs and his eyes widen. “Crap c’mon!” 

Thomas ran like he has never ran in his life, he ran faster than ever in the maze. “I need to help her. Please, oh god please, please be okay.” He thought in his head thinking about Taylor. 

Taylor, still shouting sees the cranks coming closer and closer. She starts to tear up, this is it, this is where she dies. As the cranks are almost to her Thomas and Minho make it and see that indeed her foot it stuck. 

“Oh Tay this may hurt,” Minho winces as he sees her foot, but then he quickens as he sees how many are behind them. “Shi*”

Thomas grabs her hand, “don’t worry Tay, I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” His other hand is tending to her foot. 

Taylor smiles and puts her head back along with her hands. “I’ll hold them off boys.” She pulls her gun out and starts shooting those that are almost to them. 

“Okay but she’s a badas*,” Minho chuckles seeing even though Taylor hurting she still manages to get the work done!

“C’mon,” Thomas says as he is getting frustrated. Finally they set her free and she sprints in front of Thomas, him still holding her hand to make sure she is safe and with him now 100 percent of the time. 

“I told you we got you,” Thomas smiles as they now run so fast away from the cranks close up on them.

As Taylor, Minho and Thomas sprint ahead they see the rest of their group. 

“We have to warn them!” Taylor said as she started to wave her hands to get their attention and to show panic. 

“Hey!” Shouts Thomas. The rest of the group look at the three running and they wear a curious face. The three yell all different things, warnings, to run, to go away. 

“Why aren’t they moving?” Minho asks as he runs ahead of Taylor. Then Taylor sees their horrified face when they see the cranks running ahead. The others start running as the cranks get closer to Taylor. Taylor, already tired keeps her head in the game. Jumping over man boxes laid on the floor so as not to lose the momentum. A back pack is thrown to Thomas and Taylor assists him in putting it on. The group now rejoined, they make their way up another escalator. As they make their way up a crank appears out of nowhere and the others are scared and taken aback. Aris gets his bat and hits the crank with it. More cranks appear and the group is split up for only a short while. Teresa is split with Thomas while Taylor is put with the others. A crank comes at Taylor and Newt and as it is about to get the two of them Taylor pulls out her gun and aims straight at the cranks head, pulling the trigger. “Bulls eye,” Taylor smirks. Everyone meets up again as they try to make it to the exit. Newt again gets tackled by a crank and Thomas saves him. A whole group of cranks start appearing from the distance to the group of Taylor’s. Everyone runs to a small corridor that is nearby. It is tight and compact and no one knows where they are going. The cranks go into the tiny space as well. Everyone freaks out. 

“C’mon guys move it!” Taylor shouts as it is hard for her to manage in that tight space. They make it to doors but as Thomas and Minho try to open them up they cannot because they are locked. 

“Are you serious right now?” Taylor panics as she combed her hair with her fingers. 

Minho and Thomas try to open it up and Winston shouts, “I’ll hold them back.” He pulls out his gun while Taylor does the same. She stands next to Winston and starts shooting the cranks. Winston smiles at her and she nods, grinning. Frypan finally opens the door and Thomas grabs Taylor’s hand to go through the door first. As Winston tries to go out he gets caught by some cranks and as they try to take him out of the grasps of the cranks the cranks start scratching him on the stomach. Taylor with Minho and Thomas try to close the doors but Thomas sends Minho away. 

“Go Tay, I got this, go.”

“No I’m not leaving you. We do this together.”

Thomas looks at the cranks and at the right time he grabs Taylor’s hands and they both run away together. 

They all spent the night under some debris just waiting for the right time to make a run for it. 

When they all wake up, Thomas looks out to see if it is safe to leave. In the light of the morning sun Taylor peers around her surroundings and sees how city is in ruins. 

“WCKD is probably still looking for us. We have to move.” Taylor says as she stretches and grabs her gun. She grabs Jessica’s hand and brings her up for a stand. 

As the group trudges along through the sand Winston’s infection is getting worse until he falls down. Taylor can see the pain evident on his face, she feels so sorry for him. She wanted him to make it. She looked at the others face and some knew but some had hope. That was good for him in that moment, to have hope. 

“I’m not gonna make it,” Winston says in a rough, hoarse voice. His breathing is starting to quicken. Everyone looks at each other, not knowing what to do. “Please don’t let me turn into one of those things.”

Taylor feels a tear fall down her cheek, her heart breaking at what she is seeing. Winston pulls his hand out as if to hand something to him. 

Everyone is frozen but Newt goes and takes the gun. Thomas thinks that he’s going to shoot Winston but he doesn’t. Instead Newt gives him the gun, it will be on Winston’s time to do that to himself. 

“Thank you,” Winston manages to say. “Now get out of here.”

“Goodbye Winston,” Newt swallows the pain as he looks into his eyes. 

Everyone leaves until its just Taylor and Thomas. Thomas’s eyes become glassy as he looks at a dying man. “Its alright,” Winston reassures him in his last moments. 

“I’m sorry,” Thomas whispers. 

Winston’s last words were, “Thomas, take care of them okay?”

Thomas nods and leaves with Taylor. 

As they go and move away a gun shot is heard through out. It echoes in the world. Everyone pauses and just takes a time to gather themselves up and proceed. Taylor still has tears coming out but she doesn’t want to make a scene so she tries to compose herself and wipes her tears away. 

Thomas sees this and holds her hand, “hey you know, its okay to cry.” He said it more as a statement then a question. Taylor brought him into a hug and cried into his shoulders, feeling mentally tired and emotionally. But she was determined to make it to the end.  

Night came and so did sleep, but as the group was in slumber Thomas woke up to a civilization in the distance, but they are also greeted by a thunderstorm. They run to an abandoned building for shelter but as they are running Jessica slows down. Minho helps and tries to save her by helping her in running but he gets struck by the lighting. 

“Minho!” Jessica and Thomas cream in unison. As they take him to the shelter he does indeed survive. Jessica hugs him lightly, not wanting to hurt him and smiles, “thanks Min Min for saving my as*, I am a god dam* slow runner. For real though, thank you.”

They are greeted with chained up cranks. One after enough coming at them but not quite yet making it. 

“I see you’ve met our guard dogs.” A new voice calls out. It is a girl, she walks up to all of the group and smiles, “you guys look like shi*.”

“Hel* I like her already,” Jessica chuckles but Taylor hits her lightly on the chest. “Ow, what she seems pretty okay.”

“We don’t know what she’s like,” Taylor whispered to Jessica. 

“Don’t worry I don’t bite, the names Brenda.”

They meet Brenda and Jorge who lead a dangerous group of survivors. Brenda and Jorge learn that Thomas and his group had come from WCKD and are looking for the right arm they agree to take them to them. 

Moments later WCKD arrives and storms the place but Jorge’s bombs go off and the facility is destroyed. Taylor and Thomas split up. Taylor ends up with Jorge’s group while Brenda and Thomas are left behind. 

Thomas P.O.V.

Thomas and Brenda escape the cranks but Brenda gets infected by one. Thomas gets another flashback and remembers when he was working for WCKD. He tried to warn Teresa and Taylor about WCKD’s plans but they were all separated by WCKD’s troops. 

Thomas ends up kissing Brenda but as he is kissing her he thinks of...”Taylor.” he breathes out. 

“What,” Brenda asks as she stand back. 

“You are not her.” Thomas wanted that kiss to be Taylor. That was it, he knew he was in love with Taylor. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

Thoma and Brenda meet up with Taylor and the rest of the group again. Taylor runs to hug Thomas and puts her hands on his cheek, “oh my god. I thought something terrible happened to you.”

Thomas grins and puts his hands on her cheeks, “I’m fine, along with the help of her.” He points to Brenda and Taylor’s heart almost shatters. She can see something, some type of affection going on between the two. 

Taylor nods her head while putting up a fake smiles, “oh thats good. I’m glad you both made it out safely.” She puts her hands down and walks away. First she had to deal with Teresa now Brenda. She clenched her fist knowing how this ends. It will end with either beautiful girls getting the guy and Taylor getting no one. With big girls thats how it always ends. 

Jessica finds Taylor sitting away from the group. “Hey Tay Tay, whats wrong girl?”

Taylor just shrugs, “I know Thomas so well already.”

“What?” Jessica asks as she sits beside her. 

“I feel like I’ve known Thomas, like I’ve known him forever...Jess...I’m in love with Thomas.”

“Oh shi*,” Jessica mutters. 

“Yeah, oh shi* is right and I know he either likes Teresa or Brenda way more than fat old me.”

“Don’t say those things,” Jessica puts her arm over Taylor’s shoulder. “You are way more than that you hear? So what if you got a little junk in the trunk you are special Taylor. You did what other big girls no, what other girls think is impossible. You escaped that maze you escaped WCKD you did so many incredible things. You are kind and sweet but ooh but do you have sass! If Thomas cannot see all the amazing things I see or for who you really are than girl, he is not meant for you. You are a diamond in the rough sand paper sand.” Jessica picks up a pile of sand and this makes them both laugh. 

(not my gif! do not own)

“Thanks sis, I needed that,” Jessica helps Taylor stand up and they both embrace. 

“What a beautiful embrace, are we celebrating cause we’re not dead ladies?” Minho jokes, waiting patiently for the two of them. 

“Can I get some of that action?” Frypan chuckles as he playfully hits Minho like am I right?

The two side eye them, “No boys were are celebrating us big women...we can do anything, and that boys is a fact.” Taylor and Jessica walk hand in hand back to the group. 

Jorge interrogates Marcus, a survivor works for WCKD, into revealing the whereabouts of The Right Arm.

The group goes and finds their way arrive at the right arm relief camps. There are other survivors there and they are greeted by a man named Vince. He is the leader and decides if Thomas’s group can stay or not. 

Brenda’s infection worsens and Vince threatens to shoot her. But a former scientist that worked for WCKD stops Vince. “Hello Thomas and hello to you too Taylor.”

“You know me?” Thomas asks the stranger. 

Taylor’s face becomes of confusion, “wait how do you know us?”

“Interesting...it makes sense they put you two in the maze.”

“Thomas, what is she talking about?” Taylor raises her brow. Thomas knows and he looks away. “How does she know who I am? How does she know I was in the maze?” Taylor tries to look into his eyes but he looks away, almost ashamed. “Anybody?” When she looks at the others they too are not looking at her. Jessica pats Taylor’s shoulder. 

“Though I must admit,” the scientist kept going. “I was worried they’d kill ya after what you did.”

“After what you did, Thomas what does she mean?” At this point Taylor was getting furious, she felt like she was invisible. The stranger went to Brenda and tended to her. But she could see that Taylor and Thomas were both searching for answers. 

“What I did?” Thomas asked. 

“The first time we spoke you said you couldn’t take it no more. Watching your friends die one by one. The last time we spoke you gave me the coordinates of every WCKD compound, trial, and lab.”

“He was our source,” said Vince. 

“They couldn’t have pulled this off without him,” the scientist praised Thomas. “Take her [Brenda] to the tent. Get these guys some warm clothes.” They carried Brenda away. As Taylor went to ask Thomas what happened she saw the glances Teresa kept giving Thomas. 

Jessica saw that Taylor’s face was of anger so she placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “hey you think you’re gonna be alright?”

Taylor looked into her brown, haze eyes and nodded, “you know me Jess...I’m always alright.”

Jessica smiled and left her. Taylor grabbed harshly both Thomas and Teresa behind one of the tents. “What the hel* was all that back there?” Taylor shouted as anger entered into her. 

“Please Tay, let me explain.” Thomas tried to calm her, putting both his hands on her shoulders. 

“Please, make it quick. Why was she talking about us like she knew us? And you kept giving Teresa a look?”

Teresa looked down and then at Taylor, “Back then before the maze, you had worked for WCKD...”

Taylor’s face became of sadness and disbelief, “no thats not true. That can’t be-”

“It is Taylor,” Thomas whispered as he grabbed her hands. “Before the maze, you, Teresa, and me we all worked for the maze. Sticking our friends in a death maze, we did that. We worked for them. I went, when we were still working for them, to you two and tried to warn you both about WCKD but we were all separated, you were first Taylor, you were first to be put in the maze. Also, when we were working for them me and you were very close to each other...Where do you think you got that necklace?”

Taylor peers down to her chest and sees the necklace, her eyes start to water. Thats why the first time she saw Thomas she felt like she knew him. “You knew all this time and din’t think to tell me? You told her, my story, to her, and not even to me! Why would you keep something like that from me, Thomas?”

Thomas felt ashamed and guilty, “I don’t know Tay, I just-”

“He wanted to protect you,” Teresa butted in. Taylor pointed a finger at Teresa, “I don’t want to be rude, but you better but out right now or so help me god.”

Teresa walked up to Taylor, face to face, body to body, “Or what, Tay? What are you really gonna do to me? Thomas was just trying to protect you, if you really cared about his friendship then you would forgive him and you would accept the decision he made. 

“Yeah Teresa you’re are forgetting one thing, who was the first to be in that maze between us? Who had to live every breathing moment in there with just herself as the only female, and who had to accept that she may never see her family again because she doesn’t even know her history? That information was mine, Teresa, I should have, no, I needed to know that. So protect your boyfriend or your crush but nothing you say will make it better that he kept my life from me.” Taylor pushed Teresa to Thomas and went to go find Jessica. 

The scientist woman comes to Thomas and tells him he needs to give his blood. The scientists lady is Mary Cooper. As Mary halts Brenda's infection using an enzyme cure, Mary explains that the enzyme can only be harvested from an Immune's body, not manufactured, and that arguments over the methods of manufacturing the cure with Ava lead Mary's departure from WCKD.

After the argument they all had and Thomas helped Brenda Taylor saw Teresa climb these rocks. Taylor felt more angry when she saw Thomas climbing them to get to her, to see whats wrong with her. Taylor went and followed them to eaves drop on their conversation. 

“You okay?” Thomas questioned as he made it to the top and looked at Teresa. Taylor was hidden behind one of the boulder listening. “What are you doing up here?”

“Just thinking.”

“Well I’ll let you be alone.”

“Do you remember your mother?”

“Uh, I think so,” Thomas thought for a while on that question. 

“You remember mine? She’s a beautiful woman. Every body loved her, before WCKD she was all I had. When she got sick, I didn’t know what to do. They just kept her locked up, hidden. I thought she’d get better. Every night she’d make these awful sounds, like screaming. And then one night she just, stopped. It was finally quiet. I went down to her room, there was blood everywhere. And she just sat there calm. She said she was feeling better. The visions were calm, she’d taken care of them. She took her eyes out Thomas. There are millions of people suffering out there. Millions of stories just like mine. We can’t turn our backs on them. I won’t. 

Taylor’s mouth opened in shock, “please no please no.”

“What are you saying?” Thomas hoped she was talking nonsense, he hoped she did not do the thing that they were all running away from. 

“I’m saying I want you to understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why I did it.”

In the distance there are helicopters and Taylor’s heart sinks, “oh my god they’re here.”

“Teresa...”

“Please don’t fight them Thomas.”

“What are you doing? What have you done?”

Thomas runs down and Taylor sprints in front of his path, “this way Thomas.” Even though Taylor was mad at him still she needed to protect him, she needed to protect her friends. She grabbed onto his hand and they both ran to the others to warn them, but they were too late. The helicopter shot a explosive and the camps blew up, “No!” They both scream in unison. 

There was an ambush by WCKD. As some warned others, other were dead. 

“Tay!” A high pitched scream came out as Taylor looked around she saw Jessica run to her. “Oh my god I thought they got you too.” They both hugged and tried to run away. But there were so many of the WCKD that Taylor knew she had to do something. “Jessica, listen to me, be careful.” Taylor whispered the words to her as she pushed Jessica to Thomas and stood next to Minho. 

“Go guys we got this!” Minho says as he and Taylor start shooting. 

“No, guys come back here,” Thomas shouts over the commotion. They all hide behind a couple of boxes. Just as Minho is re-loading his gun WCKD shoot a device on him that makes his still. 

“Minho!” Thomas screams as Jessica and Newt pull him back. 

“No!!!!” Taylor shouts as she starts shooting uncontrollably but someone from WCKD comes behind her and hits her with the back of their gun, making her fall down and they put the device on her. 

“Taylor!” Thomas and Jessica scream. Jessica gets up and, without any weapons tries to fight WCKD but they shoot her in the stomach. 

“NO!!!” Taylor screams at the top of her lungs. Her heart just breaking. She starts to sob as she tries to crawl to her friend. “Oh my god oh my god,” was all she could say. 

“Its okay Tay Tay, its okay. I’m sorry, I just tried.” Blood spilled and poured from her mouth and her breathing stopped. “No please no Jess, c’mon Jess please Jess. Please don’t go Jess!” Taylor shouted as she held onto her but WCKD dragged Taylor away from the body, her screams so high pitched it hurt anybodies ears. “Please don’t please, Jess!

“Tay, Minho,” Thomas shouted as he tried to get to her and him. But Vince stopped him. Thomas was crying as he looked at Taylor getting taken by WCKD. Taylor felt like her life was gone and she was already dead. As Taylor went inside the helicopter she was greeted by Ava Paige’s presence, Dr. Paige looked beyond and saw the survivors, she saw Thomas. With an evil eye she glared at him. 

Thomas P.O.V.

The whole place is a disaster. Everything is ruined. Most of the tents were burned up and the survivors are looking for any materials or items that they could save. 

“What do we do now?” Asks Frypan as he looks to the distance, trying to collect himself. 

“I would pick up whats left of us.” Scans Vince as he tries to see if there are others. “Stick to the plan, we take you kids to the safe haven. And we start over I guess.”

Thomas shakes his head and stand up, putting his backpack on. “I’m not going with you.”

Vince looks surprised, “What?”

“I made a promise to Minho and Taylor, I promised that I would protect her. Now she’s probably stuck somewhere scared, afraid, I mean she just saw her best friend die, right in front of her eyes. She means the world to me Vince, I can’t forget about them...I can’t ever forget about her. I have to go after them. ”

“Hey kid look around you,” Vince said, spreading his arms. “A’ight, WCKD just kicked our as*. Think about where you’re headed.”

 “I’m not asking anyone to come with me.”

“Thomas listen to me,” Newt motions to him, caring about his friend. “I’ve known Minho and Taylor for...for as long as I can remember. So if there’s any way we could help, trust me I would be standing there next to you. This what you’re talking about, is impossible.”

Jorge and Brenda appear and Jorge says, “more like suicide.”

“Maybe,” Thomas shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. It’s not just about Taylor and Minho. Its about all of us. Its about everyone WCKD’s ever taken, everyone they will take. They’ll never stop, they’ll never stop. So I’m gonna stop them. I’m gonna rescue Taylor...and I’m gonna kill Ava Paige.”

Everyone looks at each other rethinking the situation. Harriet speaks up, “I have to admit, I’d like some revenge.”

Vince sees the expression of everyone and decides to just give in and help, “wow its a good speech kid, so whats your plan?” Everyone looks to Thomas for answers. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

“Hey Minho, Minho...,” Taylor shook the boy as they were in the train to who knows where. “You hear the birds?” Minho from all the torture was already being a totally different person. Taylor wanted to lift his spirits, but on the inside she felt empty and had no hope of being saved. Minho searches for the noise Taylor was talking about and then he does hear it all of a sudden, he turns around to see Taylor copying the noise of a birds chirping. She smiles at the end and makes Minho laugh. 

As she is standing there, all their hands tied by chains, Taylor sat next to Minho. Taylor coughs a little and then starts singing, “I thought I heard the old man say; leave her Johnny leave her. Tomorrow you will get your pay; and it's time for us to leave her.” Music was such an important aspect in her life, it made her feel happy and made her feel as if she could fly. “Leave her, Johnny, leave her! Oh, leave her, Johnny, leave her! For the voyage is long and the winds don't blow. And it's time for us to leave her.” As she sang the last note she looked around to see the other kids there and Minho smiling. “You have a beautiful voice Tay,” Minho chuckled, nudging you. “Wait do you hear that?”

Taylor’s eyes search up and her head turns in his direction. It was the sound of a running car. “Yeah I do!”

Moments later there are footsteps heard up ahead on the trains roof. Taylor and Minho smile at each other, hopeful. 

Then the train starts to stop, Taylor and Minho falling forward from the harsh movement. Then a familiar voice is calling out, the others on the train are excited and start screaming for them to be rescued. 

“Taylor! Taylor! Minho!” The voice calls out to them two. They look at each other and answer with a crying yes. But are never rescued, they are instead taken back to WCKD to be tortured more. 

By many doctors Taylor is put in this machine that hooks up to her head. “Please no, not again, please.” They don’t listen to her and strap her in. 

The ocean, the waves calming and relaxing. Taylor is sitting right atop a rock, enjoying a book. In the distance she sees the maze. Her heart starts to beat quickly and she starts to panic. She hates this feeling. Her hands start to tremble. As she looks down in her book the pages start to be covered in blood. Taylor covers her mouth in disgust and tries to throw the book away but it keep landing back on her lap. Then the blood starts to make words. “They are coming for him.”

“Who’s him?” Before she could react a wave crashes on her and brings her in the ocean. She is drowning but then all of a sudden she is in a cell. It is dark, very dark and it is wet and smells horrific. “What the hel*?” Next to Taylor in the cell is Jessica’s dead body, lying there her corpse. Taylor starts to break down and she sobs as she sees her best friend dead. “Oh my god!” But then she hears...it. A griever pops out and tries to get to Taylor but Taylor is separated by the cell. As she is backing away she hears a voice. “Taylor! Taylor!”

“Thomas?” She screams and Thomas meets her, “I’m gonna get you out okay? I will protect you.”

Thomas starts to fight off the griever, by himself and Taylor starts to scream, “No Thomas I need to protect you!” Then Thomas gets stung by the Griever and the griever rips Thomas head off. Horrified Taylor screams on the top of her lungs. 

Taylor hooked to that machine makes her see these things. She screams when nothing is really there in reality with her. The doctors check her eyes and see she has spaced out, she is out of it. She becomes almost brain dead. 

Only a few times does Taylor see Minho and every time she does he is getting worse and worse. She feels so bad for him. Taylor has tried to escape and tried but it never is successful. 

She sleeps in a cold cell, thinking about her friends and about the stars. How much those starts mean to her. She is mostly out of it from all the torture. She is being scarred for life. She lays there until WCKD arrive to bring her to another torture test or to check her vitals. 

As WCKD takes her to a medical room Taylor sees from the side of her eye Minho beating up Teresa. “That bitc*” Taylor mutters under her breath as she sees Teresa got away and they had to hold Minho down. Taylor chuckles, “thats my boy.”

Teresa makes it out but is scared when she sees Taylor, “you traitor!” Taylor gets out of WCKD’s grasp and makes a run for Teresa. Taylor kicks Teresa and knees her in the stomach. Teresa is on the ground, coughing up and hurting. “Yeah feel that, now imagine that 100 times worse.” Taylor lifts Teresa’s face by her hair so Taylor can see her better. “Thats how it felt when you took everything I loved away from me.” Teresa is crying and they pull Taylor back. “I won’t let you do that to Minho. I wont!”

Taylor was taken to be tortured again. Her hands in cuffs as if she were a prisoner. Suddenly, the alarm started to blare. The sirens turning on an alarming WCKD that something is wrong. They still took her into the room and went to hook her up. 

Minho P.O.V.

As Minho escaped the medical room where they were going to sedate him he met up with Thomas and Newt. 

“Minho,” Thomas said, sounding relieved. 

Minho looked to Newt and Thomas, “is this real?” They all smile but then Minho realizes Taylor is about to get tortured now. “Guys Tay’s in trouble, we need to go save her. I know where she is!”

Minho P.O.V. end

They hooked up all the wires to her brain and they were about to start it when there was a loud bang almost outside the door. All the WCKD doctors were scared, alarmed. One stood up and went to go see what the commotion was. There was another bang and then footsteps. Thomas, Newt, and Minho appeared in Taylor’s room and shot everyone there. A female doctor was about to press the button to put Taylor into that machine but Thomas shot her. 

“Oh my god!” Taylor screamed, strapped to her chair. “I can’t believe its you guys!”

Thomas, quickly, unstrapped Taylor and then picked her up so she was standing right in front of him. He felt his heart beating fast, he felt so happy to see Taylor. Here she was living, breathing, right in front of him. It was like a miracle. He sees though the bangs under her eyes and how she looks drained, tired. “Oh my god Tay, what did they do to you?”

Taylor started to cry but out of joy and happiness that she was saved, “they tortured me. They,” her cries were sobs now. “They made me believe that it was you, Thomas. You were killed and that to me was the worst torture.” Thomas puts hugs Taylor and puts his hands on her cheek. His face showing worry and sadness that Taylor had to go through that. “Its the worst torture to me because I couldn’t protect you Thomas, I couldn’t save you.” Taylor’s blue eyes looked up to Thomas’s brown ones and Thomas just went for it. 

Thomas leaned in, passionately to kiss Taylor. He brought her closer to him. He put his hands all over her curves not caring about them, just loving the girl for who she is and thinking she is the most beautiful woman on the earth. They both closed their eyes in the kiss and it was hard and passionate, his tongue slipping inside just for a minute. Just to have one taste of her. It was full of love. 

(not my gif! do not own)

Both their foreheads rested on each others and they smiled, “I love you so much Taylor.”

“I love you more, Thomas. I need to say I’m sorry for getting so angry with you not telling me about my past. I get why you did it, you were trying to protect me.” She steps closer to Thomas and takes a hold of his hands while Thomas kisses her lips and forehead. “Its okay Tay, I’m sorry for keeping that away from you. I felt so scared and not sure when WCKD had taken you. You mean so much to me, not Teresa, not Brenda, you.”

Taylor kisses his lips again and sees the boys face in the back. Newt is so over it, rolling his eyes. And Minho looks as if he’s gonna throw up. 

“Are you guys like done. We kinda have to get out of here,” Minho broke the silence. 

Taylor and Thomas chuckle, “wow they are just, wow.”

Taylor nodded, “I know, way to ruin the moment guys!”

Newt rubs his temple, “If I have to see one more kiss I may just leave on my own.” He chuckles at the end. 

Taylor and Thomas laugh and they grab hands and make a run for it. 

As they run they meet some folks from WCKD and they run into a random room. Thomas locks the door. There is someone banging the door from outside, this scares Taylor and she holds onto Thomas for support. “Don’t worry Tay, I got you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you again.”

���Newt c’mon,” Minho goes to a cart and places it in front of the door. 

“Um Thomas, what do we do?” Taylor asks as she sees the huge window in the room. Every one is trying to think of a plan but WCKD  already is using a blade to try to pry the door open. 

“Any ideas?” Minho questions. 

Thomas looks at the window and then back at the group, “maybe.”

“Oh hel* no! You do realize how thick I am, I’m gonna be the first one down there and then you guys will come afterwords and use me as a soft landing.” They all look at Taylor as she said that and she just waves them away, “never mind.”

Every one helps getting a tank through the window. It falls to the water down below. 

“Okay its doable. Just need a little running start.” Thomas says as he goes back. 

“Oh my god are we serious about this? Is he serious? What if that water is shallow, we’ll die Thomas!” Taylor tries to reason with him, her heart thumping out of her chest. They all go next to Thomas, Taylor holding his hand to feel more comforted even though she felt so terrified. 

“You sure about this?” Minho asks, scared. 

Thomas looks at Taylor and shakes his head, “not really.”

Minho rolls his eyes, “nice pep talk.”

“Yeah, I’m bloody inspired.” Newt says too. 

“Ugh we’re gonna have to do it,” Taylor cracks her neck and is prepared, putting on her game face. But the door flies open and Janson comes through, angry. “Fuc* it!” Taylor says as the group runs forward. 

They all jump and through the jump Taylor’s hand is holding Thomas’s. Some one screamed Thomas name and then someone cursed. Taylor just screamed so loud the whole way down. 

As the group is running through the last city they are met up with, “Gally?”

Gally sees Taylor and chuckles, “hey Tay, its nice to-”

Taylor runs to him and punches his all over but Thomas pulls her away, “why are we with this guy? He’s a traitor! He killed Chuck!”

“I know Tay, I know. He’s on our side now. He saved us.” Thomas brings her back and tries to control her. 

“Also Gally was stung and out of his mind when he did that,” Newt said as he put a reassuring arm around her. 

Taylor still feels like she wants to kill Gally, “how the hel* did you survive anyways?”

“I was saved, treated and now I’m helping you guys. Like I said, its nice to see you again Tay.”

“Yeah well I wish I could say the same thing.” Taylor answers back sassy. “What happened here?” 

Explosives go off, there is fire and terror every where. People are screaming, violent. Its like the end of the world it seems to Taylor’s eyes. 

 Then Taylor hears harsh breathing coming from Newt. “Newt?”

Newt sends Minho and Gally away, also wanting Taylor to go. “No, I’m not going anywhere. Thomas, whats wrong with him?” 

Thomas looks down, sad and Taylor’s heart almost drops. “No he can’t no.”

“I do Tay. I have it.” Newt says in an almost reassuring voice. His lips turning black like if they were goop. Alarming Taylor and Thomas that they need to figure out something quick. As Newt is struggling he hands Thomas a silver pendant. Taylor and Thomas assist Newt in walking to a safer place and they end up to an empty area where Newt passes out. 

All of a sudden Teresa’s voice is heard through out the whole city. She explains that Thomas, with his blood, can save Newt if he comes back to WCKD.

Thomas has tears in his eyes and so does Taylor but Newt stands up. Awkwardly like he isn’t himself. 

“Newt?” Thomas says, trying to sound gentle. 

Taylor’s heart was going so fast. She felt that she already knew but she didn’t want to believe it. “Newt, we’re here buddy. We are here for you, shank.”

Newt turns around and Taylor already knew, he had become one of them. Newt looks directly at Thomas, “Newt.”

Saliva coming out of Newt’s mouth and looking like a total different...thing, he charges towards Thomas. Thomas pushes him away making him fall on the floor but he gets back up. 

“Newt its me, its me!” Thomas tries to tell Newt but Newt is not the same person anymore. 

“Newt we wont hurt you!” Taylor tries to get into his head. She pulls Newt away from Thomas throwing him on the floor. Newt tackles Thomas and with the forces of Taylor’s strength and Thomas’s they roll him away. Newt gets up and jumps on Taylor and almost bites her. “Thomas help! Newt stop please! Its me, Taylor!” She is screaming as his mouth is almost a few spaces away from her face. Thomas kicks Newt and Newt falls on his back on the floor. Thomas helps Taylor stand and as they get up Newt utters for them to kill him. 

Newt, again tackles Thomas and Taylor tries to get him off but Newt is too strong. As Thomas utter his name Newt stops. “I’m sorry Tommy, I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Its okay, its okay,” Thomas smiles at Newt. Newt then grabs Thomas’s gun and tries to shoot himself in the head. Taylor quickly grabs the gun away from him. “No!”

Newt grabs his knife and tries to stab Thomas. Thomas struggles to keep the blade from intruding his chest so Taylor puts her hands on the blade to stop him. Her hands are getting cut, slicing through soft skin. Taylor winces at the pain and notices blood dripping from her hands on Thomas’s shirt. The shirt soaking up the crimson liquid. “Please Newt stop.” Taylor pushes Newt off with Thomas punching him in the face. 

As Newt and Thomas fight, Newt trying to stab Thomas they meet up together. Taylor hears the knife slicing through and starts to cry. It didn’t matter who it stabbed, it wasn’t like she cared more for one and not the other. She cared for both of them so much. “Newt, Thomas...” She muttered as she started to sob. 

They hold on more to each other and as they part the knife went into Newt’s chest. “No! No! There has to be so way, please no, please!” Taylor is panicking at this moment, she is uncontrollably sobbing. Her heart breaking more as if that were possible. “No Newt, not my Newt.” 

“Tommy...” Newt whispers, as himself. He falls down but Thomas catches him so his fall would be less painful. “Tay...”

Taylor was right beside him, holding his hands and looking into his eyes. Brushing his honey golden strands back. 

Taylor then remembers the things her and Newt did. Its like a whole book she thinks of. She spent so many years with him she felt not herself. She remembers when they would garden together. Newt would pretend that the carrots were his teeth and do funny faces with them. Taylor would throw dirt on him and say if he were to grow into a flower, he would be the most beautiful flower out there. Whenever Taylor would feel sad or sick, Newt was there for her. Cuddling with her, taking care of her, worrying about her. All those times worrying, when she wanted him to have a great life. Whenever Taylor felt self conscious Newt would always say, “don’t think about those bloody thoughts love, to me you are perfectly splendid in every way.” Then he would end it off with his charming smile. One time Taylor drew a portrait of himself, resting against the tree, so peaceful. Newt smiled and was shocked, calling Taylor the most creative person in the world. “You got my good side also,” he would chuckle with a wink. The most fondest memory Taylor has of her and Newt is that they both would rest and lay upon the tall blades of grass. Laying next to each other but Newt was laying up and Taylor was laying down. Their heads were next to each other. Taylor would sing to Newt, making Newt feel at peace. He always liked her singing. Then would it would come of night Taylor would read the stars and tell him, “I see big things, for the both of us. Our lives will change Newt, you’ll see.” Then she would ask Newt, “if we did make it out of here Newt...where would you go?” Newt would take a while and Taylor would smile, “I’d love to go to the ocean, full of water and...stuff. Who knows?” Newt would look directly into Taylor’s eyes and nod, “I would go anywhere, as long as its with you.” Taylor would grin and give him a huge bear hug. “Don’t worry shank, we’ll get there. We’ll always get there and when we do, we’ll do it Newt, together.”

Taylor cried as she looked at Newt’s dying form. She collected herself and looked directly into his eyes, clasping him hand and running her finger through his hair. As the wind howls low in the night Taylor breathes in and out, (this song is called rainbow by kacey musgraves)  “Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around ” She starts singing, knowing Newt would love to hear the peaceful melody. His breathing starts to relax and he smiles, looking directly into her ocean blue eyes. He can’t utter a word but Taylor knows what he would say, “thats bloody good mate” or “wow Tay, to hear that come out of you is amazing, its like everything is possible.” 

“Tay..” Thomas whispers, tears coming out more. The lyrics mean something so important to Taylor. Thomas nods and knows Newt, no, Newt deserves to go away peacefully. 

“Everything is alright now” Taylor sings to him telling him he can let go, he can go now that they will be alright and he does not have to suffer or worry no more. 

The lyrics mean to Taylor so much. This song is for Winston, Jessica...Chuck. All those who passed away for fighting for something they believed in. 

“'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again” Taylor means as she makes up the lyrics as she goes that the sky is opening to welcome Newt, so Newt can see his friends Newt can see Winsont, Jessica, and Chuck. He can play with them and tell them jokes and use his beautiful accent. Taylor starts to shed some more tears knowing she’ll never get to hear Newt say her name again, she’ll never hear his little comments about anything any more. She struggles to sing the other lines but she does it knowing they are important to Newt. 

“Let go of your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head” The umbrella means for Newt to let go, thats its okay for Newt to die. But the rainbow part means that his friends his family were always there for him and they will always be there for him and that they will always remember him. Then he’ll get to see so many rainbows where he’s going, he’ll get to play with them and be himself. 

As Newt gives his last breath Taylor sings the last part, “It all be alright” Newt dies with his eyes open and Taylor closes them and kisses his cheek. “We’re gonna miss you Newt. Have fun my darling Newt...” Taylor and Thomas hug as they sob together. Brenda arrives but she is too late. 

Thomas and Taylor go to WCKD and confront Ava. She keeps insisting that their ways are good. She is then killed by Janson who is infected. As Janson knocks Thomas out Taylor runs away and hides, following them. He takes Thomas to a lab where Teresa is ready to extract his blood. Janson tells though that he and WCKD are only truly interested in curing those whom they please, which results in Teresa turning on him. 

Thomas and Janson fight, making Taylor follow them. Teresa sees Taylor and they look at each other knowing they have to save Thomas. They are all stuck in one room together. Thomas sees that Janson shot him in the gut. Taylor goes to Thomas and kisses his forehead telling him, “we’re gonna help.” Her and Teresa come up with a plan to distract Janson. As Teresa takes charge of the plan and Taylor goes to Thomas to help him out, Janson almost kills Teresa but Taylor and Thomas throw a chair into a lane of glass, releasing two turned workers. Those things kill Janson and with Taylor and Teresa assisting Thomas make it to the rooftop. The aircraft by Jorge and Vince await them there. Thomas helps Taylor get on board first and then Thomas leaving Teresa last. Teresa is about to get on with Taylor’s help as the building collapses, “no!” Taylor and Thomas scream as Taylor tries to grasp Teresa’s hand. Teresa falls to her death. 

The group reunites with the immune and the right arm. They arrive at a safe haven that was revealed by Ava. Its where the rest of the population can live safely. 

That night as Taylor sits by the ocean she feels a paper in her pocket. “What in the world?” She takes it out and unfold it revealing to be the picture that Taylor drew of Newt. “He kept it all this time?” Taylor whispered to herself as tears started to come out. She sees her drawing and as she turns it over she sees that Newt drew her a picture, its of them laying in the tall green grass, smiling and holding hands There is a note there and it says, “To my beautiful friend, you have made my life the best, you have made me feel nothing else but joy. For that I want you to live your life, go anywhere and start your adventures. Remember how I said I would go anywhere with you, well its still true. Wherever you are at this moment, I am there with you, you may not see it but its true. So have fun my beautiful Tay, thank you for having my back and for making me feel like I can do anything. You deserve all the best, I am so proud of you Taylor. Also, you were always my rainbow hanging over my head.” Taylor kissed the letter and dried her tears. “Thank you Newt,” she whispers as the waves crash lightly in the sand and the sun begins to go down.

Taylor goes to where they are carving the names of those who they lost and she pats Minho’s shoulder as he carves out Newt’s name. Taylor kisses her fingers and pats his name, she does the same when she sees Chuck’s and Winston’s name. She grabs the carving tools herself and carves out Jessica’s name, smiling when she finishes it. 

Taylor goes to the group of the others and hugs them, hugging Minho, Frypan, Brenda, even Gally. “I wanted to say, thank you for all that you have done, Gally. I forgive you.” She pats Gally and Gally thanks her. “And I know Chuck forgives you as well.” Taylor says as she smiles. She takes her seat next to Brenda and Thomas arrives hugging everyone. Thomas sits next to Taylor and Taylor grabs his hand kissing it. Thomas smiles and kisses her on the lips. 

He then kisses her forehead and whispers, “I love you so much Tay.”

Taylor chuckles and laces her fingers with his, “I love you more...my Thomas.”

20 Years from that

“Mommy, mommy, c’mon lets go see the fishies,” Taylor’s son called out to Taylor as she ran to him. Standing by the ocean was her husband, Thomas smiling. The others were there as well, there kids present. 

“Wait up Newt! Mommy can’t go that fast!” Taylor chuckled as she ran to grasp her son’s hand and then her husbands. As they walk in the sunset the breeze is nice and cool and Taylor places a hand on her stomach, “I can’t wait to see you soon Chuck, mommy’s excited.” Thomas kisses his son and kisses her stomach and her forehead. “Daddy’s excited too, c’mon lets go see the ocean, I think there’s also a rainbow there.”

Taylor smiles and her family, the family that means everything to her, they walk away going on with more discoveries and more loving adventures. 

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[swellwriting]

A Silent Devotee Part Six - Light within Darkness

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Warnings: This chapter contains smut ( and its sweet soft first time exploring shit which needs a warning of its own) ! 

A/N: i wrote a line in here thats a nod to my fav marauders so if you notice it and it personally attacks you I’m sorry but also please tell me lmao !!! <3

Word count 2.5 k    Series Masterlist   Part Seven

After that kiss between you and Draco not much else happened, you continued to sit by the lake. You laid your head on his lap, one of his hands brushed through your hair while you fiddled with his other, tracing lines and examining his fingers and palm.

You talked until it got dark outside and you had to go back in, you didn’t talk about the serious stuff like where your relationship was going or his death eater plans, you decided to live with him there in that moment and for that snippet of time everything felt okay.

You would have stayed outside all night if you knew how much things where about to change. Draco tried his hardest to remember everything about that night, it gave him hope of what a future with you could potentially look like, peaceful, carefree and loving. If he needed something, or someone to fight for that was it.

The next day as you made your way back from the library after studying with your friends you ran into Dumbledore, someone you had never really spoken to before.

“So I see Mr. Malfoy found his Fwooper.” Dumbledore spoke without even saying hello or stopping in front of you, he continued walking down the hall but you needed answers so you walked up beside him.

“What did you say?” You weren’t sure if you had heard him right.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell, some of my favourite students had Animagi secrets like you, they used it for good like you as well, to help a friend in need of coarse.” Dumbledore revealed so much information and simultaneously none at all.

“What do you mean helping a friend, Headmaster I’m a bit confused as to what you are talking about.” You questioned as he sat down on a bench in the empty hallway motioning for you to join him.

“Y/n dear, I know more and see more than people think, me and you have never spoken much before because you never needed guidance or reassurance like some students do. I did take notice to you, you were well liked for all the right reasons, non-judgmental, you have a passion for learning in which some students lack, you will be a great witch someday.”

“Thank you, but now I need guidance?” You questioned to where he was going with this.

“Well, not too long ago Draco showed up in my office to find out about a Fwooper bird, which I had assumed to be following him around, I know Draco doesn’t have the best path lied in front of him so I looked furthur into it. But not too long later I see him walking through the halls with none other than you, which I can only assume his follower was you and taking into account who I know you to be as a person and student, You, well what I’m trying to say is you don’t seem to be black mailing him, you have good intent.” Dumbledore tried to explain which made you question how much he knew about Draco.

“I don’t want to hurt anybody.” You confessed.

“Of course not, and that’s why you were the perfect person to stumble upon Draco in his time of need, but in a war like the one that’s slowly brewing, people are going to get hurt and die. I’m not saying it’s your job to keep Draco safe but being there for him will make such a difference. It’s not much to assume that with his father in Azkaban and the way he was acting like he had something to hide that he’s having to…fill his father’s shoes per say. In the end there are plans bigger than you may know, but what you do have to know is Draco is faced with darkness and you are everything light and good, he needs you to be there for him for there are decisions and actions he may have to do, and it is important that he does.” Dumbledore just dumped so much info onto you at once in his backwards way and you tried to process it, but when you looked up to question him further he was gone.

You were left confused, as if somehow Dumbledore knew something you didn’t, but how could he? You made your way back to Draco’s room to go see him but when you arrived at the Slytherin common room you were blocked by Pansy.

“You’re not a slytherin you can’t come in.” Pansy stood with her arms crossed in front of you.

“I don’t want to come in, can you just go get Draco for me?” You asked seeing as she was the only one around.

“Why would I do anything for you? Besides he’s not even here.” She spoke pushing her nose up in the air.

“I don’t have time to deal with you, whether he truly is here or not, your infuriating to be around.” You said with precision wiping that smirk off her face as you walked away. It wasn’t normal for you to be mean to people but Pansy deserved it.

You walked through the hallways back towards your own common room but as you passed a hallway you saw Draco walking at a fast pace. You ran to catch up to him and wrapped your arms around him from behind, he jumped but when he realized it was you he relaxed his shoulders and gently held your arms with his hands.

You turned around him to see he looked stressed and his wand was in his hands, something you noticed he did when he was scared although he’d never admit it.

“What are you doing?” You rubbed your thumbs across his cheeks feeling his skin, he closed his eyes contently at the small contact.

“Nothing, I’m just… nothing.” He said, although he was clearly lying.

“Well why would you look so stressed out over nothing.” You said wrapping your arms around his waist as he did the same, holding each other close.

“I just can’t really talk about it, I’m sorry I-” You interrupted him with a kiss which took him by surprise, he didn’t get the chance to kiss back before you pulled away.

“I won’t push you for answers, those done matter to me, you do.” You said sweetly.

“Merlin, I’d be so lost without you.” He rested his head on yours while he spoke, waiting for you to speak again before he could kiss you.

“Well then call me your map.” You giggled at your lame joke making him smile.

“I’d rather call you something else.” He almost whispered to you.

“Mhm? Like what?” You questioned hoping you knew where he was going.

“I don’t know, maybe my girlfriend?” He asked timidly, like you hadn’t just kissed him minutes ago, like the way you were holding him right now was in a friendly manner.

“Well I do like the ring of that.” You laughed, kissing him again it was short and sweet since you pulled away quickly but Draco had no plan of pulling away, he continued leaning into the kiss and your lips not being there made him pout.

“My own Girlfriend won’t even kiss me.” He teased.

“I just did you fool, I just don’t want to kiss you more here.” You motioned to the hallway that was mostly empty but Draco looked behind him to see the room of requirement, remembering what he was just doing in there and silently agreed that he wanted to get away from here.

He took your hand and walked at a fast pace to the empty astronomy tower.

“We are just as likely to get caught here Draco.” You said as you rested your elbows on the brick, looking up to the stars.

“Well at least we can hear them coming up the stairs, gives us time to stop snogging and act innocent, there are no rules about being up here.” Draco spoke like he had thought this over, to which he had, falling asleep many nights just thinking about this.

“Okay then, tell me about the constellations then.” You said motioning towards the many that lit up the sky.

“Well I don’t know any that you don’t know, we took the same astrology class Y/n.” He said wrapping his arms around your waist from behind you resting his chin atop your shoulder.

“What? You mean to tell me, Mr. Fancy Rich Malfoy didn’t have an expensive telescope to look through growing up?” You teased, making him supress his laugh in your shoulder.

“Well we did actually, but it was more of a decoration.” He admitted.

“Well you will just have to teach me something else then.” You said with a suggestive smile on your face, you turned to face him capturing his lips in a deep kiss, you placed your hands on the sides of his face and he eagerly pulled your body flush to his.

You kissed down his cheek and down his neck gently sucking and nipping at the skin, you didn’t break contact from his neck while you pushed him down to straddle his lap, your knees hitting the cold concrete underneath the two of you.

“Oh, well, I can’t teach you much about that either” he struggled to say while you continued to kiss his neck, scared to admit how little experience he truly had with this sort of stuff.

“That’s okay, I don’t have any experience either, a lot of people like me but not enough to ask me to Hogsmead or anything?” You admitted, this whole relationship thing was completely new to you.

“You’ve never been on a date to Hogsmead?” Draco asked making a shocked face. “People didn’t like me but I still got asked to Hogsmead many times.”

“Wow thanks Draco that makes me feel so great.” You said sarcastically “Tell me more about all these girls that you snogged and bought candy at Honey Dukes, really I do love it.” You continued to joke, not in a jealous way just making fun of him really.

“No, I only ever went a few times but they all bored me or annoyed me, you’re the first person I ever kissed Y/n, you’re the only person I’ve ever felt like this with.” He admitted placing a tender kiss on your forehead.

“I get to be Draco Malfoys first kiss?” You aked pretending to sound astonished at the news.

“You can be a couple other firsts if you’d like.” He said now kissing your neck and down your collar bone.

________________Smut starts below this line____________________

“How about more than a couple.” You said holding back a moan as he sucked hard on the base of your neck, likely leaving a mark.

“We better get started then.” He said seductively as he swiftly lifted your shirt over your head, your lips met in a searing kiss moving effortlessly together, tongues moving to each other’s mouths sloppily kissing like you had seen others do, just learning the motions.

His hands made their way to your bra fumbling to undo the back for a second before revealing your bare chest to the cold night air making your nipples perk up.

Draco pulled away from the kiss making you let out a noise of protest as he admired your chest, his pants tightening at just the sight of you, he reached out his hands looking up to your eyes again as you nodded giving him permission to caress your breasts, he squeezed them lightly and then slowly got a bit rougher testing how far he could go, rubbing his thumbs over your nipples and kissing his way down your neck until he reached your breasts, now sucking and kissing all over them.

“Mhm, Draco its so, so good.” You moaned, making sure he knew what you liked and didn’t since you were both experimenting.

You grinded down onto his growing bulge making him stop what he was doing with his mouth and let out a low moan that he tried to supress. “Merlin Y/n, that’s heavenly.” He said into the skin of your neck.

His hand sneaked up your skirt making you move back a bit on his lap, his finger pushed your panties to the side, you unzipped his pants slipping your hand under his pants grabbing his length in your hand.

You both were filled to the brim with ecstasy needing a release quickly. Draco pushed his fingers between your slits rubbing over your clit and sticking two fingers slowly inside of you, making you squeeze his dick with your hand and  burry your face in his neck.

When you pulled his underwear down and wrapped your fingers around him, slowly moving your hand up and down he bit down on your shoulder groaning. Both of you weren’t new to the general actions, you just weren’t used to someone else doing it.

Draco curled his fingers inside you continuously pumping his fingers in and out as you continued to pump him with your hand, both of you speeding up trying to get that release. You squeezed around his fingers and you felt him twitch in your hand signalling that the both of you were close to release.

Your chests heaving as you both came undone in each other’s hands, staying still for a moment before relaxing into each other’s bodies catching your breath. 

_____________Smut ends above this line______________________

“That was so nice.” You said in a tired voice against his neck.

“Just nice?” Draco questioned wrapping his arms around your back.

“More than nice, amazing, lovely, addicting.”  You muttered against his skin leaving kisses after each words.

“oh addicting you say? You want more?” Draco cheekily asked snaking his hand back under your skirt but you stopped him.

“Of course just not right now, it’s getting close to curfew Draco.” You used all your willpower to stop him even though you really wanted more.

“Oh you and following the rules, how boring.” He teased passing you your bra and shirt as you did his pants back up for him.

“Shhh, you love how good I am.”

“Well opposites attract, or at least that’s what they say.” Draco said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

As you made your way back to your common room Draco stopped outside. “Let me take you to Hogsmead on the weekend?” He asked eagerly, a big smile on his face.

“As long as you keep your hands to yourself Malfoy.”

“I make no promises.” He chuckled as he placed a tender sweet kiss on your lips. People saw and stared but when you pulled away quickly looked away from the two of you.

“Goodnight Draco.” You smiled walking into your common room filled to the brim with happiness and joy.

Draco was left alone in the hallway, the quiet whispers deafening , the judgmental stares stabbing into his skin, he made his way back to his own common room and replayed the memory of the two of you at the lake, it helped to calm him down.

[andremarcusburky]

Red part 2

William Nylander soulmate!au

A/N: Soooo thank you soooo soooo much for the notes and everything!!! I really didn't think I was gonna get requests for part 2 (even though I kinda wanted to do it anyway) but there were a few and I'm so excited honestly so thank you all so much!!

Requested: yes

[Part one]

Auston sat down next to William, but not before noticing his stare into the crowd, also not before noticing a girl staring back at Willy.

“So thats why you're acting weird, who is she? And why were you staring like that? Its weird.” Auston questioned his teammate. William didn't answer at first, too dumbfounded by the color on his wrist. He just looked up at his teammate, a smile growing slowly on his lips.

“Okay dude you're seriously acting weird” Auston said, now a bit worried.

William turned his wrist to show him the tattoo, Auston going dead quiet once he saw. His mouth was agape and he quickly turned to look at the girl in the stands. She was sitting down with a smile on her lips, a faint blush tainting her cheeks. Auston turned back to his teammate and gave him a big hug.

“Dude fuck the goal, you’re gonna go get that girl!” he exclaimed loudly making the rest of the players on the bench turn towards them. Auston grabbed Williams wrist, showing them the colorful flower. 

It was like a dream. Y/N barely even saw the goal, it all happened so fast. The puck was suddenly in the net and her wrist was itching worse than ever before The player, number 29, jumped the boards just in front of her. She cheered happily and stood up, just before catching his eye. The itching stopped, just like that. Everything stopped, to be honest. They looked into each others eyes for what seemed like a year, yet at the same time only a split second. 

His teammate grabbed his head and ended their staring contest. Her entire body felt light. She felt like she was flying, like her entire life was without any worries. She felt whole, like her world was complete. 

The woman sitting in front of her had once again turned around, this time her husband had too. T/N didn't notice though, too caught up in whatever had just happened. They both looked at the young girl fondly, before the man broke the silence and snapped Y/N back to reality.

“Congratulations, honey. We wish you the best of luck” he said, confusing you. 

“What?” you asked, still feeling a bit out of it. Maybe they’re soulmates because they're both weird as fuck, you thought to yourself.

“I saw the way you and Nylander looked at each other. The itching has stopped, hasn't it?” the woman asked you. You just stared at her for a second, before turning your head towards your friend who was looking even more confused than you were. You slowly pulled your sleeve up. The black and white flower which once clad your wrist was gone, replaced by a fiery red lily.

You couldn't believe what had happened, it couldn't be real. You just stared at your flower while you heard Emily gasping beside you.

“Oh my god! What the hell Y/N? Nylander, as in William Nylander?” she practically yelled, catching the attention of several people around you. You quickly covered your wrist and hushed your friend, not feeling comfortable with peoples stares. You could’ve sworn you looked like a tomato, but a very happy tomato. 

You turned your head towards the bench which William was sitting on, only to realize that pretty much the entire team was watching you. If you looked like a tomato before, you didn't want to know what you might’ve looked like at that moment.

Eventually, you saw where William was sitting. He too had his gaze on you. As your eyes met, he smiled warmly before mouthing a “hi”. You smiled back, unable to break the stare. It wasn't until the person appearing to be his coach got in the way that you once again managed to snap back to reality. You looked at the couple in front of you again, giving them a big smile.

The news had made its way to Babs. He came up to William as he once again was sharing a moment with his soulmate.

“Willy, I get that you're a bit distracted but you have to keep your head in the game. I’ll get someone to make sure you'll meet her later. But until then, impress her. Okay?” Babs gave him a stern look before a smile broke out. “Im real happy for you” he said before standing back, watching the game once again.

It was hard, trying to focus on hockey when all he wanted was to talk to girl whose name he didn't even know. He managed to score another goal though, along with getting one assist on Matts goal. The caps apparently also found out about what had happened. As a fight broke out right before third period ended, Nicklas skated up to William and gave him a big hug. He said something about looking forward to seeing a new team Sweden fan before going off to his bench. 

The game ended that way, 3-1 for the leafs. William looked towards the stands where the girl had been sitting, being met by a warm smile and a wave. He waved back before before going to the locker room. 

Y/N felt nervous as she and Emily followed a security guard to what probably was an area only for players and their closest. The guard eventually stopped and told them to wait. A few other people were there as well, some with jerseys  and some in normal clothing. They all seemed to know each other. A couple people came through a door, hugging their relatives or friends or whatever they were.

“They’re players, Y/N. William should come any moment!” Emily whispered in your ear excitedly. A few of the players eyed you before looking at each other. “He’ll be here any second, media wanted some interviews but he’s doing all he can to speed it up” one of them spoke, looking at you. It took a second before you realized he was speaking to you. 

“Oh, okay, thanks.” you answered awkwardly. there was no protocol for how to act in a situation like this. What do you say to your soulmates teammates when you haven't even met your soulmate? Before anyone could say anything else though, the doors opened again, reveling a blonde haired beauty.

He looked around the room before his eyes landed on yours, a smile breaking out on his face. 

“Hi” he spoke. “Hi” you answered, a smile now making its way onto your face. he made his way up to you, unsurely sticking out his hand for you to shake.

“I’m William, its.. its really nice to meet you” he spoke softly, seeming a bit nervous too. You shook his slightly clammy hand, not minding it at all. His grip was somewhat rough, like he didn't want to let you go. yet it was also soft, you might even say it was loving.

“I’m Y/N, its nice to meet you too” you answered, laughing lightly at the weird situation. He repeated your name to himself in a whisper. “thats a really pretty name” He looked down at your wrist to see the red lily. “I really do like lilys”

A blush once again made its way to your face. You let go of each others hands, but you immediately wanted to touch him again. You didn't really say anything for a few seconds, just looking at each other. Eventually though, William started giggling. He probably didn't know what to do in this situation either. “can I hug you?” he asked. You didn't really answer, you just wrapped your arms around him and help him tightly. It wasn't awkward anymore, it wasn't weird. It was right, it felt right. It felt like you'd been waiting your entire life for this, just to hold him close. 

William introduced you to the team, all while keeping an arm around your waist. He then insisted on taking you out for dinner, which you complied to after convincing him it couldn't be a fancy place. you were after all in jeans and a hoodie. 

About 30 minutes later, you were sat in a booth at a nice bbq place not far from your campus. He told you about the places he grew up in, including Sweden. in return you told him about your family and Connecticut, and though your life could in no way compare to his, he seemed so genuinely interested that you kept talking. he had a way with you, he got you to open up in a way thats never happened before. you're not normally extremely shy, but you're also not the center of attention kind of person. with William though, it seemed as if everything came rushing out of you. every story you’ve always wanted to tell, every joke you've been too afraid to make. and he seemed to love it. 

William had bought you a red rose on your way there, it was beautiful. you’d never really cared too much for roses, but right now you couldn't help but adore the cliché flower from Prince Charming. in that moment you decided that it was your favorite flower, only to now realize you still didn't know what was etched into the skin of Williams wrist. you gently took his hand and lifted the fabric of his shirt. I guess I really do have a favorite flower now.

i gotta be honest I didn't really like this part that much but I realized I don't know what to put in this part so here ya go

this was the last part, however Ive realized I kinda like writing so if I come up with ideas I might post something here and there. thank you all for the feedback I got from the first part! it really meant a lot 💕💕

[hyunbaes]

11:11 • bjy

genre: song au, angst/fluff

summary: lingering around the coffee shop brought you back 5 steps from where you were.

requested: no

- listen to 11:11 by taeyeon

It’s 11:11

When there’s not much time left to the day

When we used to make wishes and laugh

Everything reminds me of you

it was currently 11:11pm and New Year’s Eve night and here you are, at the same place where your heart was handed back to you in two pieces instead of being at home, where you could be with your family. how could you keep on doing this to yourself? he said he didn’t love you, but why was it so hard to believe him? you ponder over why you couldn’t accept that this was the end of you both. you keep coming back to where you were last happiest. it was here, at this stupid coffee shop where he was last with you. how miss his voice, his touch, his sweet laughter, his small face with its defined facial features. you just missed him. jinyoung left you almost a year ago because through out the time you’d spent together, his heart was never fully yours. it’s been so long, you’ve learned to not cry when someone mentions his name or asks you how he’s doing. to tell you the truth, you aren’t sure of how he’s doing either. he broke all contact with you the moment he left. you just wanted him to hug you, and tell you that you’d be alright.

you think back to when you first started dating him .. how simple times used to be. he wasn’t like everyone else. he cared so much more than you thought. you missed him telling you that he’ll be the first one there if you ever needed him. you missed the forehead kisses he’d give you when it just wasn’t your day, and how he’d pat your head telling you that you’ll be just fine because he’s by your side. you even missed hearing him talk about how he would want to be an idol, despite the fact that the idea always scared you. jinyoung was never one to open up much when your first met him. which is why it still shocks you at how emotionally caring this boy is, and how much he would worry over you or himself. you looked out the window hoping that in some alternative world, he missed you in this way too.

The wind is as cold as the edge of your heart

When I open the window, you blow in

When this time passes

Will this break up be over?

Will I forget you?

you decided it was time to leave before the cafe reeked of your despair. there was only an hour left before the new year after all, so it was best to go home before the city became hectic. the moment you left, the cold air hit your face & you wanted to run back in, but decided it was better to head home. this was the calmest thing you had ever done even though the city was still so alive. people were out with their families, couples had been enjoying their moments together. even those who were homeless had found some way to make the most of this; why couldn’t this be you? why was jinyoung all you could ever think about? he left for a reason y/n, get it through your head. all these thoughts had kept you so occupied that you didn’t notice the tall figure you ran into. you mumbled a sorry before looking up. the chances of finding him here in the city. there was jinyoung right in front of you. just like you had wanted him to be. but why does this feel so wrong?

your eyes widened before completely noticing he was giving the same look. and then he spoke "y/n?" your heart melted at hearing your name again. you’re not supposed to feel this way over him. you contemplated on whether to even answer him, you’re afraid that you would let everything go & finally blame him for causing you so much grief. you tried so hard to walk away from him, but it’s been a year. getting over it, you decided you’d talk to him. "hi jinyoung, how are you these days?” you asked looking at anywhere but his eyes. his eyes were also so pretty and lively; now they seem heavy and tired. "im doing okay" was all he could say. mustering up the courage to look at him, you saw he was alone. you wondered where the girl he left you for was; she was no where in sight. she was pretty and it always left you wondering why she was better. why she let him cause you so much pain. did she know about you? she had to.

Everything finds its place and leaves

You took all of me and left

But like the two hands of the clock in my heart

I keep lingering in the same place

"y/n? how have you been?" terrible since you left was all you could think. "ive been better" you lied to him; he was only asking to be nice after all. "no you haven’t because neither have i" he said while grabbing your hand, causing you to look up at him. you wish you could’ve retracted your hand away from him, but god did this feel nice. "jinyoung .. please" you felt your eyes tearing and the ground suddenly looked so much better. "y/n, i miss you so much. i know i left, but that was biggest mistake ever. i was fine for a while, you know? but then, jihoon (FYI: this was before becoming an idol but he knows jihoon through you and all 3 of you were best friends) told me how you had been acting, and it started to scare me. he told me you stopped eating? and that you would never go out anymore. my heart broke knowing I hurt you that much. but im not back here out of pity. im here because i need you back, whether you’ll have me is up to you." you tears began flowing the moment he said he missed you. your rock, the love of your life, your first love had said he missed you. he lifted your head up, he never like it when you cried. "y/n? please don’t cry" he said as he wiped your tears. he carressed your cheek but you wanted nothing more than to scream at him. you missed him but you were so angry at him for coming back like this. "jinyoung? do you understand the situation you put me in? i know that i am not over you but do you know how messed up it is? for you to come back like this? im so angry that you even left me in the first place. but how were we to know that we’d end up in front of each other after a year of being apart?" you checked the clock, 11:40. 20 minutes till the new year and you won’t be home to celebrate but fighting with jinyoung in the middle of the street.

"y/n, im so sorry. i know i messed up but i was a mess without you. she never made me feel like you do. i couldn’t even say i loved her. when I was with her, i thought of you. of all things, you" he said, his voice full of regret, the regret of leaving you after being with you for so long. your heart still longed for him, you still loved him. it was always going to be him, no matter what. "jinyoung, be honest with me, do you still love me?" you questioned him, almost scared of what he would say. "y/n, i don’t think i ever stopped. all this waiting by our coffee shop finally brought you back to me and it’s all I ever wanted." jinyoung said as you looked into his eyes. you saw the love that you had been missing. you heart was swelling back to life. forgiving was always your weakness, especially when it came to jinyoung. he took your hand again, "y/n, can i ask you the same thing?" you knew your answer. saying it would only confirm that you still loved him but, actions speak louder than words. all of a sudden you heard numbers being chanted around you, "10, 9, 8," had the time gone by so quickly? it looks like you’ll ring in the new year with him by your side again. "7, 6, 5" you are devising a plan in the 7 seconds you have left. "4, 3, 2" "y/n?" jinyoung called your name confused as to why you weren’t answering him. "1!" you wrapped your arms around his neck and got on your tip-toes to press your lips against his. his lips, how sweet and soft they are. you missed each other, the kiss only reassured you guys of that. you pulled away from each other, "jinyoung? i always loved you. even when you left, you were all I wanted. i wanted you back and now i have you." he hugged you as tight as he could. lingering around the coffee shop really brought him back to you with the missing pieces of you he took.

- a/n: ahh!! another jinyoung scenario is back because I can’t stay away oops!!

- also did y’all see his v live OH MY GOD HES SO CUTE AND ADORABLE WHEN HES FRUSTRATED I LOVE HIM BUT @ SWING FIX THE WIFI BAEBY JUST WANTS TO DO A LIVE A ND WHAT BAEBY WANTS BAEBY GETS SORRY I DONT MAKE THE RULES I JUST ENFORCE THEM 💖💞💝💕💗💓💘

[hellomygf]

when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones 

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS:  I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss  (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this 

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion 

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran 

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done 

Ger Here - Sam Smith 

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande 

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar 

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days. 

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer 

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well 

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW 

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue 

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well.  so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you 

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert 

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to. 

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D 

[gnostalgist]

🌻rules: once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag.

I was tagged by @fixationpsychosis ! (thank u!)

🌻LAST…


[1] drink: zero ultra monster energy fsdjlfkjds (its the only Good(TM) monster so i had to specify)


[2] phone call: my grandma probably. if skype calls count, then dirk.


[3] text message: my grandma...


[4] song you listened to: ok it was the schuyler sisters from hamilton but it was bc i was doign a colorguard routine to it which probably doesnt help but

[5] time you cried: idk... a couple days ago

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: yeah


[7] been cheated on: uh you know what? probably, yeah.


[8] kissed someone and regretted it: not immediately??? but yeah


[9] lost someone special: yeah i mean.. i hope its not permanent but yeah


[10] been depressed: all day erryday


[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

🌻 LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS…


[12] pastel pink


[13] the one shade of red u know. like my blog aesthetic


[14] orange but its gotta be soft

🌻 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…


[15] made new friends: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made so many new good friends somewhat recently!! i love them!!!


[16] fallen out of love: im trying

[17] laughed until you cried: yeah


[18] found out someone was talking about you: hhhh yeah

[19] met someone who changed you: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


[20] found out who your true friends are: hh yeah


[21] kissed someone on your Facebook list: ive only kissed two people ever and theyre both BLOCKED AS FUCK

🌻 GENERAL…


[22] how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: (sidenote: i dont like the term “real life” when talking abt friends bc just bc u have ldrs doesnt mean u dont know the person in ‘real life’ bc u do. but i know what its asking so im just gonna answer that) 3... because i panicked and deleted almost everyone off my friends list


[23] do you have any pets: i have a cat named Pico de Gato

[24] do you want to change your name: legally? yeah. but idk im ok w my name(s) rn


[25] what did you do for your last birthday: hhhhh I CRIED BC NOBODY WAS ABLE TO HANG OUT AND I SAT IN MY ROOM ALONE but then the other day my friend brought me weed as a belated bday present so whatever

[26] what time did you wake up: 6 am


[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleepin

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GREEN DAY AND AGAINST ME CONCERT NEXT MONTH!


[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: oh god last summer i think im not sure


[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: not having bpd and ruining all of my relationships

[31] what are you listening to right now: against me bc i remembered the concert for #28...

[32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i went to middle school w someone named tom and i had him in social studies and he wrote a song for a class project on guitar except it was really bad 


[33] something that is getting on your nerves: this one kid i kind of know thats.. actualyl terrible i want them to die....


[34] most visited website: tumblr/youtube 


[35] elementary: idk what these are actually asking but i... think its asking where... i started to kindergarten at a school in south dakota, and then a different school here from then until 2nd grade; 3rd grade in texas; 4th in rochester, minnesota and 5th in winona, minnesota


[36] high school: currently in rn and it sux


[37] college: either going to a technical school here to get a degree as a diagnostic medical sonographer or going somewhere??? to get a phd in psych to be a clinical psychologist. prolly the former tho,,

[38] hair colour: black but rly badly dyed


[39] long or short hair: idk its like to my shoulders when its down but also i have a mohawk


[40] do you have a crush on someone: YEA IM RLY GAY FOR MY BF

[41] what do you like about yourself: my eyes and Musical Abilities(TM)


[42] piercings: idk i dont really want any,,


[43] blood type: idk ??
??????????????

[44] nickname: roxy (if that counts..), kasp, rox, friendly ghost


[45] relationship status: IM LVOE DIRK


[46] zodiac sign: picses/aries


[47] pronouns: god i dont fucking know.. any?? except if we’re not close u cant use she/her but. yeah idk. any.


[48] fav TV show: hm twd probably


[49] tattoos: i dont have any, BUT
 im going to get a bike helmet? idk where yet though. and then just those plastic vampire teeth, and finally, the Most Important one, the word ‘drown’ in morse code on the inside of my left arm. im gonna?? try to meet tyler joseph and have him write it for me.

[50] right or left handed: right

🌻 FIRST…


[51] surgery: i had surgery on my tongue in like 1st/2nd grade bc i couldnt like. lift it up


[52] piercing: none


[53] best friend: a girl named zaneb

 
[54] sport: uhhh i tried to do bmx for a while but ive never been in a sport rly until now if u count colorguard


[55] vacation: hm my familys always been poor so like. we’ve only gone to texas and south dakota to see family


[56] pair of trainers: wh.. what

🌻 RIGHT NOW…


[57] eating: nothing but i just ate a cookie i baked. also i know this isnt what it asked but i just want to say ive ate 7 tacos in the past 3 day.


[58] drinking: ALRIGHT i started writing this post like 4 hours ago but im still drinking that monster


[59] I’m about to: nut

[60] listening to: against me


[61] waiting for: dirk to come online?????


[62] want: dirk to come online?????


[63] get married: probably not..


[64] career?: diagnostic medical sonography or clinical psychologist

🌻 WHICH IS BETTER…


[65] hugs or kisses: hugs... kissing is honestly disgusting and ngl like 95% of the time ive kissed anyone i just found it Gross dskfjds;ld


[66] lips or eyes: eyes.....


[67] shorter or taller: ok i dont actually care either way but listen. dallon weekes is 6′4′’ and he can W R E C K  M E


[68] older or younger: i dont care but i usually just happen to like ppl older than me? but not by much like a year at most


[69] romantic or spontaneous: both


[70] nice arms or nice stomach: idc s’all cute


[71] sensitive or loud: idk both but at different times??

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship...


[73] troublemaker or hesitant: idk..

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…


[74] kissed a stranger: god no. i tried once when i was 12


[75] drank hard liquor: yeah but i was depressed and we dont talk about that period of my life

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont.. wear them.

[77] turned someone down: i dont think so... nobody is interested in me ever lmao

[78] sex on first date: GROSS


[79] broken someone’s heart: i dont think so


[80] had your own heart broken: yeah

[81] been arrested: ....listen


[82] cried when someone died: no


[83] fallen for a friend: hm i dont think so. unless u count dirk but i had a crush on him like immediately

🌻 DO YOU BELIEVE IN…


[84] yourself: every other wednesday


[85] miracles: eh

[86] love at first sight: no but i think u can kinda have a connection at first sight. like a “i know im going to love you” at first sight.

[87] santa claus: yeah ofc


[88] kiss on the first date: hh it depends idk


[89] angels: i am an angel so like

🌻 OTHER…


[90] current best friend’s name: i never have like actual best friends bc nobody likes me but idk ill go out on a limb and say martin


[91] eye colour: blue


[92] favourite movie: the labyrinth or heathers or little shop of horrors. or book of mormon if we pretend thats a movie

im too lazy to tag people i am SORRY if u wanna do this then say i tagged u tho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[uunnrreeaadd]

This has taken me way too long to write about.. and there’s so much to cover and Ill probably forget half of it so welcome to this journey. I don’t even know where we’re starting or if I even want to start but... I feel weird lately. All kinds of weird like anxious-weird, overly self conscious-weird, judging myself and my life and my path so harshly. Ive been questioning EVERYTHING and its fucking with my head so much.

I feel like my “friends” don’t like me. They make subtle jabs and gestures that make me feel unwanted, I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if they’re actually treating me wrong. When they read over my texts and don’t respond or when I realize they say things to each other about me when I’m not around, I feel like theres only bad to say. Ive been SO spaced out, I can barely talk to them because everytime I go to speak I start having repeated anxious thoughts in my head about “what if I sound weird or what if what I’m saying doesn’t make sense or what if this isn’t a good thing to say” and those thoughts talk over me in my head and then I end up stuttering and pausing and being awkward anyway.. its so hard to control.

It’s making my confidence fall apart. Ive started to question my personality and my ability to communicate with others so much that its taken over and I’m questioning how I feel about the person I see in the mirror; me. I’m wondering if I like myself as much as i always thought I have. I tried to go to the gym in hopes of mending my self confidence but I struggle to learn the equipment and when I reach to my friends for support I feel embarassed and like Im giving them a hard time. When I mentioned I had pulled my muscles, my one gym friend said “you need to lift smaller weights” and then the rest of the room of friends nodded in agreement and they don’t even go to the gym with me so I know its been the topic of discussion and that just makes me more scared.

I have spent a disgusting amount of time thinking about death. All of its impacts and the end of days, how the world is gonna end and how my life is going to end. I cant even FATHOM that that’s how life works, I never have and I never think I will be. Ever since the realization hit me that this is how life works, it all just ends one day and then you never ever ever ever get to be a part of this same life ever again, that’s just terrifying. Ofcourse when I say that I feel like its all going to be over tomorrow and ofcourse it wont be but.. you still never know. I’m scared to let go of my mom and my grandfather and my Dad whom I also haven’t spend nearly enough time with.

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for my job to fall apart. I always wonder if theres going to be a day that I’m asked to step down from my position. I have to give myself credit, Ive been doing a really good job and Ive started asking for feedback on my work to make sure I’m doing a good job. I just value this job more than a lot of things, I don’t want to loose it or the amazing people that have came with it. I learn so much every day about myself as a person and working with other people. I feel like I should be doing more though, I’m a supervisor, I need to instruct behaviour and call out mistakes when I see them but.. I’m really passive, I h a t e to make people feel bad or harp on their day so I let things slide more than I should.

My relationships with men are completely fucked up. I haven’t seen my Dad is god knows how long, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why he doesn’t want to communicate with me and questioning my worth. I know that’s the typical thing but its hard not to do, I’m his daughter. I came from him, shouldn’t he want to go out of his way to even say merry Christmas? Happy birthday? The last few months my relationships have just been brutal. I saw about 2 different guys after my breakup and Ive been used everytime. Each time it got worse, the first guy I kind of knew was a player but he was charming and funny and he told me things were real and that he knew he wanted me to be apart of his life.. he lied, he left like a month or something later and told my best friend it was for sex. I started seeing someone else, we met on tinder but from the very first time he spoke to me he said he wanted something real and we hit it off and connected, we made ALOT of (still beautiful) memories together, started dating, I met his family and we went on tons of dates, started having sex and then after a couple times of that he also decided to leave. I had some friends with benefits along the way and ended up catching feelings (ofcourse) every single time and THAT never goes anywhere so Ive just been left questioning over and over and OVER what is WRONG WITH ME. I don’t think these boys are the deciding factor on my self worth but I used to, and sometimes still do view myself as a magnificent person. On a good day, I think I’m super human. On a good day, I see what’s nearly perfection, I think I’m creative and uplifting, Im caring and supportive and open minded, I’m pretty, Ive got good curves and I’m really genuinely genuinely NICE. I’m a good mate, I love cooking and going out and socializing.. you know? Like why would any of these guys decided to get me and then drop me? What am I not seeing? I think there’s something about me that is just a huge turn off and I don’t have a single clue what it is and I shame myself for not understanding.

I am worried about my drawing. Tattooing is my big career path and its what I’ve hyped up to ALL of my friends and family. I’m worried I’m not as good of a drawer as I think I am.. not that I’m not constantly improving and learning, taking notes and impressing myself but.. what i feel about my work could be a whole other story to other people, especially other tattoo artists. It’s hard for me to make a portfolio because I do most of my work right here on my iPad, yknow where I can have limitless colours and endless paper.. this girl I know just landed an apprenticeship and she had this entire portfolio of amazing pen and paper drawings that she glued down onto big pieces of black Bristol board, it looked really professional and I just find that so hard to do without better tools. I feel like if I had a light board I could do it but ofcourse mines pretty much broken. It’s hard to make it look professional on an iPad where I can use different brushes and textures, kinda feels like cheating and I really want to own this craft. It’s all Ive ever wanted to do.

I left my best friend. She moved away and bad things happened in my life. I didn’t feel like I knew her like I did before and I didn’t like texting her everyday because it just felt like a constant play by play.. “oh hey i did this” “oh hey i did this other thing” “you wont believe what just happened”. Meanwhile I’m at my lowest of lows because she’s gone and IM SO ALONE but she’s in a relationship and is always telling me about the guys she’s talking to and all the hot guys where she lives and guys down there that would be great for me. I don’t understand why she would involve me so much in her love life when she knows mine is failing and I’m struggling. I even tried helping her through her relationship struggles and I put in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much energy to a toxic relationship that she’s seeming still in. I just don’t understand. I felt mistreated numerous times during our relationship, I felt there was times of her being condescending and passive aggressive, I just couldn’t take it anymore so I cut ties. I stopped having any energy to reply because I was just so fed up with how I felt I was being treated.

I don’t even think I can go on at this point, theres more but not anything that Im ready to talk about right now. A lot happened with my mom, I have weird feelings about my phone and my weed addiction.. But until next time

Love yo self and love the people you love

That shits important

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[pinkykitten]

Safe and Sound

Marvel

Loki x female! reader

Warning: some violence, 1 curse word

Specifics: angst, romance, man vs man, based off of iw, race neutral reader

People: Loki, you, Brunnhilde, Tony Stark, Pepper Pots, Stephen Strange, Bruce Banner (mentioned), Thor (mentioned), Thanos (mentioned), other Asgardians, Valkyries (mentioned)

Words: 1,825

Requested: By @jinx-is-fire 😢 um so ive been pretty upset because of this so could I have something where Loki lives and goes with Hulk to earth and meets back with the reader and just something that will get me to stop crying everytime someone says Infinity War

Authors Note: i am so sorry that this took me so long to write（>﹏<）please forgive me! im kinda still trying to get all my requests done just pls everyone just be patient with me cuz I AM SO SLOW! i also took an idea of what (i think) the russo brothers said happened to Brunnhilde. i hope u guys like this its my first loki fic and i tried my hardest. so pls feedback is much appreciated, thnx and enjoy!

“No Loki...I won’t leave you,” tears streaming down your face. Your hands grasping on tightly to Loki, your significant other, shoulders.

Asgard was destroyed, but you and a couple of others had rescued the people of Asgard. As you all were heading to your new home, Earth, an unknown ship appeared. When you all figured out it was the most powerful enemy known to mankind, Thanos, the whole ship was chaos. Many Asgardians sending distress calls to anyone who would listen. Children scared and sobbing, afraid, mothers trying to soothe them, but you knew they were also in fear. Some wanted to fight, but you and almost everyone on that ship knew Thanos could kill everyone. Thor gave an idea that a few people, because of the only few mini ships they had, could escape, so that Thanos would not wipe out all of Asgard. Brunnhilde was the leader of helping some Asgardians escape. Ushering and sending orders.

“Y/n...listen to me. You need to get off this ship, if you stay you will die,” Loki whispered to you, he tried to sound strong but you noticed his hands were shaking. His hands were placed on your cheeks, wiping the tears away.

“I don’t want to leave without you. What if-,” you swallowed a sob. “What if you get killed, Loki? What will I do without you?”

Loki chuckled, “Love, you do realize who you are talking to, right?”

“Loki this isn’t a game! The most ruthless being is outside this ship as we speak and you want to joke about it!”

Just then a loud bang was heard, and all the Asgardians ran around panicking. Thor sent out a few warriors to go fight and see the commotion.

“They’re here,” you breathed.

“My darling...you need to leave now. Please, listen to me,” Loki raised his voice, pushing you to Brunnhilde’s side.

“NO! Loki, please, I can’t leave you. We are one! If you die so will I! I can’t let you fight by yourself.”

“My love...there is no other way. Remember our time together,” Loki gently lifted your hand and laced his fingers with yours. “Remember us laughing, remember us crying, remember our magnificent love. For if I was any good enough for a second chance, we shall meet in Valhalla.”

“I love you Loki,” you sob as you embrace him, and kiss him goodbye. You put your forehead together with his and whisper, “may we meet in Valhalla.”

Brunnhilde sprinted to your side and grabbed you by the shoulders, “Alright y/n, its time to get it.”

You walked side by side with her and looked back to see Loki. Loki looked lost as his puppy eyes stared at you. He looked as if he wanted to shout your name so as you could rejoin him. He looked as if he would never see you again, that all that he is about to fight for is for nothing. It was as if his heart was taken away, ripped right through his chest.

“Goodbye...my darling,” Loki whispered and ran the opposite direction.

You were led to a tight ship, filled with many Asgardians. The ship started and all of you blasted away to a destination. You sat next to Brunnhilde to help her pilot the ship. You turned around to see if maybe you could spot Loki but all you saw was destruction. More tears came out like a waterfall. Deep in your heart you knew that you were to never see Loki again.

You straighten your posture and put your focus to the space in front of you. “Where are we going now?”

“Earth,” Brunnhilde said, tears also coming out of her eyes. You could hear a slight sniffling coming from her. “We need to warn the midgardians about Thanos.”

“I think they might already know.”

As your rescue ship heads towards Earth, the Asgardian ship suddenly explodes.

“NO! No...this can’t be happening! Please tell me he’s okay, that he escaped,” you asked to everyone, searching for a reassuring answer that he was fine, that he did make it out. But everyone just gave you a saddened look, all hope vanished, sucked out of the room. All the tears you tried to keep in suddenly rushed out. Your sobs were the only noise in the ship. You could tell some felt bad for you. The floor was covered in your own depressing tears, all of life that moment was ripped out of you. The moment that Loki died a piece of you went with him.

You stood up, your hands turning into violent knuckles. Your nails digging harshly into your skin, blood being created from that. “I will avenge you Loki Odinson, god of mischief,” you paused to cry some more, “my...god...my...love...I will avenge your death. I will make sure all those who hurt you pay.”

Brunnhilde nodded and set the ship to Earth. After the enemy.

You all landed on Earth more towards the city and to Tony Stark to warn him about Thanos. You wanted to hear his plan and if he didn’t have one then you would discuss something with him. To save humanity.

“Thank you Brunnhilde. But just as Thor ordered you and trusted you to protect the Asgardians...I am going to go my own way-”

Brunnhilde interrupted, “Y/n, I understand you are sad and scared because...I am too. All my nightmares are coming true and I don’t know what to do-”

You brought her to you and hugged her tightly. The hug in your mind was from Thor, Bruce, and all those Valkyries who were watching her from Valhalla and cheering her on. Your tears fell on her shoulder.

“Yes...Brunnhilde...I am scared, in fact I have never been more frightened than this. But these people, now your people, are more scared. They trust you and you are their only hope. I trust you, girl, you got this. You are the most incredible fighter I have ever seen. Keep that in your heart and use it. Try to find a hide out and keep them,” you say as you point to the Asgardians. “Safe. Protect them with your life...my friend...Brunnhilde.”

She nodded, and announced to the others to follow her to safety.

“I do hope to see you again, y/n.”

You bid your goodbye and left.

You called Tony and met up with him. You felt so bad to interrupt his non-violent life for the time. He was trying you can tell to be normal to focus on his life rather than others.

“Hey Tony,” you waved and try to give a smile, but it backfired on you. Your face was written with worry. “I heard the famous Tony Stark has gotten engaged you chuckled. At least a little sunshine, a little good news came out of this reunion. “It was about dam* time. Wish I could of seen it.”

Tony gave you his millionaire smile seeing you, his long time friend. You were by his side since Loki tried to take down New York. “It's really good to see you too, y/n.”

You went to pepper and gave her a hug as well as Tony. “You guys look...happy…,” you said feeling guilty.

“Y/n, what's wrong,” Pepper asked panic setting in.

“Great y/n, you’re ruining their lives,” you thought to yourself.

“Oh, guys, I don’t even know where to start,” you began sobbing over again. Your knees meeting the soft green grass of the park. “Thor, and Loki, and the ship, and Brunnhilde, and Bruce. I tried, they’re gone, I was so scared, I just,” you realized you were currently have a panic attack. Everything now was starting to affect you mentally. You all were going to die. There was no way out of this. Your breathing was heavy and you felt you were being suffocated. The world was getting tinier, darker.

“Y/n,” Tony got down to you. “Y/n, you have to breathe for me. Come on breathe for me, please.”

You started to do breathing exercises with Tony. Those breathing exercises would come handy, you just knew it. Finally, you got control of yourself to be in a normal state.

“I’m sorry, its just. I feel so empty, and lost.”

Tony hugged you and suddenly Dr. Strange appeared. He told both you and Tony to go with him, because he had to show you two something.

You were more nervous to find out if this something that Stephen wanted to show you guys was another pile of bad news.

As you walked into the portal that Strange created with his string ring you saw Bruce.

“Bruce,” you shouted as you sprinted towards him. Greeting him with a rough embrace.

“Hey y/n, good to see you too. Are you okay?”

Your arms, still wrapped tightly around his shoulders, squeezed tighter, “No, I’m not okay. But I’m happy you’re alive, was there any chance that maybe…”

You stopped hugging Bruce and returned your hands to your sides. You knew that Loki would not be alive. It was just pointless asking.

“Now why the long face,” came a familiar soft voice.

You lifted your head and turned around seeing the one and only Loki.

“Loki!”

Running as fast as your legs could take you, you hopped right onto him. You and Loki fell back and you hugged him the hardest ever. You were like a snake, your arms were aching from all the strength you put. You were just so overjoyed to see him here, alive, with you.

“Oh my god, I thought I would never see you again. I was frightened Loki, I was so scared that you had died. But now you’re here, alive, its, it's a miracle my love!”

“Oh my dear sweet darling, I am terribly sorry to have you frightened. All I wanted to do was keep you safe and sound. My heart broke in two when I saw you weeping, I also weeped.”

You cried some more, having your bodies against each other. To hear and feel his heartbeat was incredibly comforting and in his arms you felt safe.

Loki wiped your tears away and kissed lightly your cheeks, “Oh my love, please don’t cry. I hate to see you in such a state.”

“Loki, I’m just so happy to see you alive. I thought you were gone and now my life, my world you’re here. I never want to be away from you again. We fight Loki...together,” you declared lacing your fingers with his pale white fingers.

“My job, love, is to always protect you. Without that what good am I?” “I will protect you as well Loki, with every fiber of my body I will protect you...I love you so much Loki,” you embraced him again.

“As do I love you, sweetheart. Forever,” Loki whispered as he kissed you. A passionate kiss that set your whole body in flames. Now you and Loki would have to prepare yourselves for the battle. The battle of Thanos.