#ofmd abuse

[quaintlyfig]

Having thoughts after reading @dimplyowl's posts about Izzy and Ed and their behaviors.

I mean, I've had these thoughts a lot already. I attempted to express some of them shortly after season 2 aired when folks on twitter would rail against Ed's violent behavior toward Izzy at the same time they vehemently insisted that Izzy had never done anything bad ever to Ed. I tried to craft thoughtful responses on posts of people I thought might be interested in having a conversation and open to maybe understanding a different way of understanding Izzy's behavior. I did this maybe about three or four times, and every time I was 100% completely ignored. No "thanks for sharing your thoughts," no "cool story, bro," no "get fucked." Crickets. Zip, nada, zilch.

This show is silly and serious, goofy and deep, sweet and heavy. And I like exploring both sides - being able to float in the fun and being able to plumb the depths. And I'm in this fandom to do both of those things in a safe community - which I experience in abundance each day and am so grateful for! - not to be re-traumatized by people who are gleeful and militant apologists for emotional abuse. I became very well acquainted with the block and mute buttons around this time, happy to curate my experience.

I freely admit that this is a bit of a ramble and that it won't be flawless, but it feels good to organize my thoughts.

Content note before you continue reading: Author's experience with physical and emotional abuse as it relates to their thoughts regarding Izzy Hands' character and people's dismissal of the gravity of emotional abuse. Not gratuitous, but take care of yourself, and do not continue reading if that may cause you harm. And yes, I've been to lots of therapy, for which I am very grateful! 💜

I was raised by season 1 Izzy Hands.

Filled with rage, virulently jealous, and expertly manipulative. Someone who expected me to meet their every need by existing in their fantasy world where they were the ultimate martyr, and I was the ungrateful piece of shit they bent over backwards for. Gaslighting and crazy-making were literally a part of my everyday existence.

Less frequently, this person was also physically abusive, and I feared this abuse even on the occasions it didn't occur.

Both fucked me up plenty, and I won't play the "abuse olympics" and say one was worse than the other. (And I would imagine that there isn't such a thing as "only" physical abuse - the two are intimately tied together.) I will say that in my *own* experience, which is individual to myself and probably the proportions of each type of abuse, I have found the emotional abuse to be absolutely insidious in the ways it molded my understanding of self, relationships, love, affection, communication, sex, worth, sense of free will, responsibility, and more. I am still unraveling these things even over a decade after I cut all contact with this person.

The scene where Izzy confronts Ed, who is cleaning up his cabin and wearing the pink robe, is one that really sticks out to me.

A decent number of the Izzy-apologist takes I read talked about how Izzy didn't do anything wrong when he told Ed he'd be better off dead than as a "namby pamby in a silk dressing gown pining for his boyfriend." That he only serves Blackbeard and that Edward "had better watch his fucking step." These people said that Ed could have basically let that go like water off a duck's back and never become the Kraken.

We are responsible for our own actions *and* abusers know exactly how to push your buttons, get under your skin, take you down at your knees, and to grind your face into the gravel when you're already down. They know exactly where to stick the proverbial knife to do the swiftest, most lethal damage with the fewest words. They know how to make you feel like less than nothing - that you have NO inherent worth outside of what you do and how you serve them - so that you will bend to their will.

This scene shatters my heart every single time. I think Con and Taika both get their characters so right in every syllable and micro-expression during this exchange.

And whether Izzy's manipulation is conscious or unconscious doesn't matter. Just as there are reasons, but no *excuse* for the way Ed hurts people (or that Stede or the Badmintons, etc, hurt people), there is no *excuse* for the way Izzy abuses Ed (or anyone else).

I also heard people saying that Izzy's threats were empty and Ed should have known that. No, there isn't one single thing about Izzy's threats that were empty. He brought the fucking British to the Revenge and tried to have Stede - the man Ed loves - executed before Ed's eyes.

"Are you really going to lick the king's boots" wasn't about Izzy wanting Ed to be free. Ed felt free and happy with Stede when he could be someone softer and 3-dimensional. Izzy wanted Ed to be licking *his* boots in his every choice and behavior, even if Ed was captain in name. Izzy never served "his captain" - he only ever served the Blackbeard of his fantasies. A caricature that left Ed feeling utterly hollow and contemplating "packing it all in" (which didn't mean "retirement" when he said those words).

I simply don't have time anymore for people who wish to live in their own fantasy world where Izzy is a wholly-innocent victim being preyed upon by the Big Bad Kraken. The Kraken may have been born the night Ed killed his dad, so that part of Ed pre-existed Izzy, but Izzy did say in his own dying words that he fed the darkness in Ed and needed it for himself.

I know some people have a hard time seeing Izzy as a father-type figure to Ed, as David Jenkins has said before. But I can see it perfectly clearly. He's living his life through Ed, wanting him to perform exactly as ordered, to be a two-dimensional figure that satisfies his own need to feel important and needed.

One thing I haven't seen discussed as much that I absolutely recognize in Izzy from my own experience with my abuser is his incredible jealousy of anyone else that gets Ed's attention. He does not want anyone else to be close to Ed. He wants to be the gatekeeper to Blackbeard and the only one to call him Edward. He literally tries to have Stede killed because of how jealous he is. He does not want anyone else to love Ed, and he doesn't want Ed to love anyone else. He is so deeply insecure that he cannot share him at all.

If Ed has a real relationship (of any kind, not just romantic - he and Stede start out as instant BFFs), then he is not capable of performing Izzy's version of Blackbeard and pouring all of his energies into serving Izzy's (obviously very unhealthy) emotional needs. It's a zero sum game. Izzy has to have all of Ed, or he's "lost" the game.

Izzy needs to be to needed so badly that he creates in his mind a Blackbeard/Ed who cannot function without him, and he will do whatever it takes to shove Ed back into the box he needs him in in order to keep his own identity secure. Because if Ed doesn't have to be Blackbeard, that means he doesn't need Izzy, and who is Izzy without Blackbeard? He doesn't have a stable self and so *uses* Ed to prop himself up to feel like "somebody." He has built his own identity around the fantasy of Blackbeard.

Just because someone isn't losing toes doesn't mean abuse isn't happening. Emotional abuse is real. Additionally, perpetrators of violence have often been victims themselves. (This isn't even touching on the fact that they're all pirates.) Ed can be both. These things are messy as fuck. But I will say that Izzy's abuse clearly pre-dated Ed's Kraken-era violence against Izzy by years, at least, if not decades.

I'm genuinely not sure what the perceived merit or gain is in pretending otherwise. And just as Ed is ultimately responsible for his own actions, so is Izzy.

I appreciated Izzy's redemption arc, and I cried when he died. And I think it's ok that Izzy died. And Izzy was a very skilled emotional abuser in season 1. All of those things can be true at the same time.

I know there are a thousand other ways to come at this topic and examine it. I didn't even touch the question of apologies or redemption or any of that. Nor am I going to. This was primarily a personal examination of season 1 Izzy Hands' abusive behavior.

--

Image from Our Flag Means Death Frames on twitter

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I appreciate that OFMD s2 got ahead of the "Ed is going to be abusive to Stede!!!" allegations by having other characters say things to Stede like "hey, aren't you worried Ed is gonna murder you?"

And Stede, who explicitly knows Ed better than everyone else, is always like "uh. no. why the fuck would he do that. what is wrong with you."

And, of course, Stede is right. Stede knows that the one time Ed tried to lift a finger against him, he wound up crying and hiding under Stede's robe in his bathtub. And Ed is pissed at Stede! But he spends the episode stomping around and huffing, then getting kind of catty with Stede, then hiding underneath a blanket, and then feeling visibly loads better after he and Stede actually talk. Because that's what happens when Ed gets upset, and Stede knew what he could expect.

[exuberantocean]

There's a lot of talk, for good reason, about this:

Whenever physical danger is present, Ed's first instinct is to protect Stede. What I don't see discussed as much is this:

In this scene, Ned's insulting Ed. And Stede gets this look on his face as he steps forward protectively. This here is the moment Ned sealed his fate - the moment that he insulted Ed. Because there's a lot Stede's shown he could let go of, but insulting or mocking Ed...well...

But, both are protecting the other from the dangers they know - from the abuse they have first hand experience of.

Ed's father was a physically violent and abusive man - and Ed's not going to let anybody else go and hurt Stede like that. Ed knows how much it hurts and he's not going to let Stede experience it.

Stede's father was verbally and emotionally abusive - and Stede's not going to let anybody else go and hurt Ed like that. Stede knows how much it hurts and he's not going to let Ed experience it.

[khruschevshoe]

The problem with the handling of Ed's season 2 arc on ofmd is that it sets up the cycle of abuse so well. Demonstrates the way it destroys both Ed and his victims in the first two episodes so well. Shows the ways the trauma can keep destroying people and their relationships in episodes 2-4 (Lucius, Izzy, Jim, etc.). And then just...shames Lucius for trying to open up and shames him for being traumatized and makes fun of him for trying to talk about what happened to him. Makes Izzy apologize to his abuser for one comment he made what is implied to be months ago after the man he is apologizing to CUT OFF HIS TOES AND SHOT HIM IN THE LEG. Doesn't allow Jim (or for that matter, Archie) to be righteously pissed off for longer than episode 4. And then has the audacity to say that Ed making a "Youtuber apology" and using the loot that he blackmailed/threatened/forced the crew to steal in the first place to buy them party decorations somehow...makes up for everything he did?

Like, am I missing a part of this arc? Am I missing the part where he reconciled with literally ANYONE but Fang? Am I missing the part where Stede apologized to Lucius for telling him to stop talking when he was telling him about the severe trauma he went through? (Or even, as much as I love him and their relationship, Pete apologizing to Lucius for dismissing his trauma and wanting to move on before Lucius was ready because listening to Lucius' sa/abuse story was uncomfortable?) Am I missing the part where Archie and Jim found a reason to forgive Ed (and don't tell me that the Izzy-the-unicorn helped them forgive Ed- that was about the crew coming together to help IZZY to recover and had jacksquat to do with Ed)?

The set up was brilliant. Episodes 1-3 killed me. Episode 2 was my favorite episode of the show (bar the bit where Stede ran away when Lucius was unloading his trauma, and even THAT could have worked if he apologized later and allowed Lucius to talk). But the lack of payoff makes me feel sick. Because I understand this show is a comedy, but you don't introduce themes like that and give them that kind of ending.

[our-flag-means-love]

as someone whose abuser is very beloved and respected locally because no one but me and one other person know what they're like behind closed doors, seeing the way the crew treats izzy vs how they treat ed in the first half of s2 is both frustrating and all too familiar.

yes, izzy deserves support, and i believe that everyone, no matter what, should have an opportunity to grow and change, but god, hearing jim say "he was your friend" just hurts. especially bc it's not their fault. they didn't know. they knew he was a dick, but they didn't see the emotional abuse we all saw. no one but ed did. so he ends up being painted as the bad guy who flew off the handle and nearly got everyone killed while izzy only gets sympathy. and yes, ed did nearly get everyone killed, but i think the balance of blame vs sympathy would've been severely shifted if anyone else had witnessed the "i should've let the english kill you" scene. or anything else that izzy's been doing to ed for years, which he openly admits on his deathbed.

so it's just frustrating and disheartening to see ed get banished from the ship while izzy gets a new leg crafted and painted gold by the crew. i'm not saying that ed didn't deserve any criticism or that izzy didn't deserve a new leg. it just hurts that no one else Knows.

[meyerlansky]

it's mostly that they let the "served me right, too" sit for the entire fucking season that bothers me

there wasn't a single point at which anyone said to izzy "no, actually, you didn't deserve it, you didn't deserve ed's mental AND physical abuse, culminating in actual irreparable physical damage, just because you were a bit of a cunt"

and he dies believing he deserved it. all of it. not only that, he dies believing not only that he deserved all the abuse and suffering he faced, but that he DIDN'T deserve the support and the respect and the safety he was starting to build with the crew, especially the ones who were ALSO put through ed's mental and physical abuse.

they just let that sit, unchallenged. that's what bothers me.

[bizarrelittlemew]

it's always over dinner :(

[seance]

STEDE BONNET / BURN IT DOWN by Daughter

[boatcats]

I was thinking about the Izzy as bad father metaphor and.

Izzy takes credit for a lot of Blackbeard. Certainly he pushes, threatens, emotionally blackmails Ed into performing Blackbeard but that's not the same thing as what Ed is doing in being Blackbeard, in living the legend, planning the fuckeries, doing the brilliant sailing.

There's the race angle (which gets replicated by fandom, unfortunately) of white people taking credit for work done by POC. But there's also the controlling parent "stage-door dad/mom" angle. Often times parents who push their children unreasonably hard will take credit for their children's accomplishments. "You couldn't have done it without me." "We did it together." "This is my degree/award/prize, too." "I push you because you need me to succeed and couldn't succeed without me."

And I do think about that sometimes.

[wollstonecrafted]

favorite genre of character…. absolutely delicious trope…

[suffersinfandom]

One fairly common criticism of OFMD S2 that drives me a bit bonkers is the idea that Stede gives up his dream of being a pirate (just as he's achieving success!) for Ed.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

I love how Ed treats Stede so gently. He's always so careful with him. He has this special soft voice he only uses with Stede, when they kiss he cradles Stede's face like he's the most precious thing he's ever held.

Ed doesn't know yet that Stede has probably never felt love before him. He doesn't know that Stede has never been given such care in his entire life. But still, his instinct is always to give Stede all the gentleness he can muster.

It's all the more poignant because Ed doesn't have a blueprint for this. He was raised in an abusive household and grew up in piracy, famously a culture of abuse. Many of the times he's cared for people, he's had to watch them get hurt in front of him (his mom, Felix the cabin boy, etc.). But this reaffirms that even though he grew up with his terrible abusive father and then Hornigold as examples of how men should act, Ed's instinct is never violence or even roughness. It's to treat the man he loves with gentleness and care and hold him with all the love in the world.

[dimplyowl]

Thinking again about the opening of s2e8 and Ed being attacked by Pop Pop and how he barely tells Pop Pop to stop, and instead looks to the son for help. “Control your Pop Pop.”

Because in Ed’s mind Pop Pop is doing what fathers do, is being aggressive and uncontrollable, and it’s the son’s responsibility to protect people from the father. Just like Ed failed to protect his mother from his father. Until he didn’t.

[temporal-discounting]

So, we know Stede was bullied relentlessly as a child, both verbally and physically. The incident we actually get to see via flashback is, of course, the rowboat incident.

The rowboat incident itself is deeply sad. But what's even sadder to me is Stede's reaction to Nigel's mentioning of it. At first, he doesn't recall it. Only when Nigel keeps going with his 'hilarious anecdote' does a look of recognition cross Stede's face, and we see the flashback.

Why is this so sad? When we experience repeated events, it becomes hard to remember one specific instance. Our memory tends to shift from specific details to the general gist, such that we remember generalities, but we lose the details. We might forget entire instances, or mix up details from different events as they all blur together (a vulnerability of memory that is often used to discredit abuse victims btw).

The implication here is that the rowboat incident was just one experience against a pattern of sustained and repeated abuse, such that this one event is not even particularly memorable to Stede. Indeed, we hear about one other horrific incident (with the horse), and he was no doubt subjected to even crueller acts; ones that even Nigel wouldn't dare to pass off as a hilarious prank over dinner.

My heart absolutely breaks for Stede in this scene - for the man who has shouldered this trauma his entire life, and for the little boy who was relentlessly bullied.

[spookyfbi]

“Izzy emotionally abused Ed into being Blackbeard for years”

My sibling in Calypso, that is your headcanon. That is not information we were given in the show. It’s fine to have headcanons but please don’t act like other people are wrong for having different headcanons for periods of time that we did not see in the show.

[raggedy-spaceman]

Friendly reminder that Ed threw knives at Izzy's head, probably on the regular given that Izzy seems kinda used to it, but then they cut it from the show :)