#of mice and men? dont know her

[justmeinatree]

01 - Astoria : Ripplin On By

Summary : you find yourself trapped on a pirate ship, desperate to be saved. or is the pirate that needs saving …

feels far from home close to the veil, goodbye mother’s fairytale

TW : murder, talks of sexual assault

Word Count : 5k

A/N : we can all thank @niallthebadboi for reminding me of the niall/james corden halloween music video 🤐

“oi, mate. mate, come here,” he whispers, his index finger in a come hither motion.

niall’s ears perk up, the quietness of the lower deck echoing even the faintest of sounds. he looks behind him, spotting one of the crew members, furrowing his eyebrows, “what is it ? m’a little busy.”

with his boots sludging through the thick waters on the bottom deck of the boat, the smell of the salt water mixed in with mould due to the slowly rotting wood, niall was filtering through boxes upon boxes. he knows he can find what he’s looking for, if he’s just given enough uninterrupted time. christ, there’s a lot of shit down here.

“did you hear ? there’s supposedly a lass on board.”

and well that, makes niall laugh, shaking his head, “don’t tell me you’ve fallen for that rumour. no way there’s a lady on this ship. not a single lass, in her right mind, would board onto a boat with a bunch of pirates. bloody death wish if she does,” he adds, muttering to himself.

“nah, s’not a rumour lad. can’t you feel it ?” he hums, smirking, dirty brown teeth poking through his chapped lips. “we can all tell. the energy’s different. oh what i would do to get my hands on a sweet young lady.”

“bloody disgusting you,” niall laughs, shaking his head. although he can’t help but fantasize about a woman from time to time. spending the majority of his adult life on a ship full of men, and maybe, just maybe, he can feel some sort of shift in the air. but that could simply be all the idiots up on deck getting themselves worked up for nothing. it’s not like it’s the first time niall hears about rumours like this one.

“can’t tell if i’d rather have a little taste, or pray for her wellbeing when she’s found,” he hums, shaking the thoughts out of his head, making his way back up, calling down to niall, “whoever finds her first gets first dibs.”

niall huffs, turning around and getting back to his task at hand. there was obviously nothing to get worked up about. because there was obviously no girl on the ship. they haven’t ported in almost a week now, no way a lady would have made it this long. pirate ships aren’t exactly anything close to nice accommodations.

but for now, he searches through crate upon crate, why they had so much crap stuffed away down here, he’ll never know. no one ever comes down here anyway, it’s too sludgy and too rotten. it’s not until he rounds a corner that he hears the small squeak. he’s no stranger to rats and mice, but this, well this wasn’t quite it.

peering over, he spots someone. 

you were terrified. fear stricken over your features, back pressed against a wall ? some boxes ? you weren’t sure. it felt like your breath had caught into your throat, fingertips going slightly numb, unable to move an inch, as you stare back at him, panic settling into every bone in your body.

“hey,” niall hums, confusion etched on his face, because fuck, there really was a girl on this ship. 

you coward back at the sound of his voice, small whimper leaving your chest, barely heard over the creaking of the old wood. your eyes squeezed shut, ready for the worst. it was hard to see his face, only small cracks of daylight filtering through the old wood to illuminate the dampened space. and with his hat perched upon his head, the specks of clarity weren’t quite reaching his face.

“no, no, s’alright,” niall murmurs, hand darting out for you, quickly retreating it when he notices you flinch away.

“please dont hurt me,” you hiccup, tears filling your eyes.

“m’not gonna hurt you, it’s okay,” he coos, trying to muster up as much calm as he can. although he can’t say he’s felt much of anything remotely close to calm since joining this crew.

“no,” you hiccup again, bottom lip starting to tremble, pressing yourself impossibly further back. “i- i heard yo-you talking,” you stutter. “i know you’re gonna-a hurt me.”

“no, no,” niall coos, shaking his head. “that’s not-. you heard the othe-.” he sighs, biting his lip and starting over. “m’niall, what’s your name, love ?”

“dont call me that,” you huff, the tiniest bit of bite to your voice.

that pulls a smile from niall, a slight breathy chuckle, “alright, m’sorry. how about you tell me your name so i know what to call you.”

“y/n,” you murmur around a few deep breaths, trying to regulate your heart as your brain determines if there’s any imminent threat or not.

“y/n,” he hums, tasting it out on his tongue. “what are you doing on this ship ? s’not safe for you.”

“i messed up,” you peep quietly, fresh tears gathering in your eyes. “everyone was gone, and i just picked a boat. didn’t think there were pirates ported at the docks.”

niall bites back a laugh, not wanting to upset you, but still, what were the odds really. he doesn’t think he’s ever met someone with such bad luck. “we have to eat too,” he chuckles, “gotta reach port sometimes. have ya seriously been here all week ?”

you nod softly, sighing, “when they started coming back onto the ship, i ran down. just kept running. v’been hiding out here. you’re the first one to come down this far below deck.”

“you’ve been down here all week ?” he asks, shocked, eyes grown wide. “fuck, you can’t stay down here that long, you’ll get sick. there’s too much mould for you to breathe in.”

“i’ll take my chances,” you murmur, biting your lip, looking up at him with desperation, “s’better than going up there with the crew.”

and well, niall cannot disagree there. thinks he’d rather live down here with the rot and the sludge if the alternative was to head up to the crew and have every shred of his being ripped apart. so he nods, looking sadly at you, because you’re right, there’s no denying it. “must be hungry then. how about i get you some food ? try to track down some fresh water,” he suggests. 

at that, you perk up, eyes shining with some level of hope for the first time, in a week, apparently. you nod, looking hopeful at niall, asking curiously, “when’s the next time we dock ?”

“not for at least another week, m’afraid,” he sighs, adding a bit more enthusiastically, “don’t think about that right now, just sit tight, i’ll be right back.”

and with that niall was off, bounding up the steps, loud wooden creaks echoing under each of his boots. he makes a bit of small talk with a few other crew mates as he passes them, fishing through crates and flour sacks full of beans, biscuits, and salted dried meats, grabbing a good handful of each, tucking them into his satchel. 

unfortunately, he doesn’t remember a single day as a pirate where he’s actually had access to water. it’s always been beers and ales and rums. at least that’s what’s made readily available. 

if he was going to find water, he’s going to have to sneak around, and sneaking around takes time. time he doesn’t think he has. for some reason, he fears for your safety. you were so innocent, so fragile, so full of fear when he found you gazing back at him. he can’t even begin to imagine what the others would do if they found you. doesn’t think he’ll be able to live with himself if he has to watch that innocence get wiped off your pretty porcelain face. he may be a pirate, but his mam raised a good man.

and although the crew typically never hits the lowest deck, one of them is bound to discover you. especially with the flying rumour of a young lass on board.

so he decides, for now, that some ale is the best he can do in terms of beverage, figuring he’ll have more time to sneak around once all the lads are passed out drunk for the night.

when he returns to the lowest deck, he finds you sitting on one of the large crates, feet tucked up to give your poor skin a break from the constant saturation. he feels his heart grow heavy. a now foreign feeling to him, as he’s learned to grow a thick callous around his emotions. if he spends too much time contemplating his life decisions over the last decade, he’ll throw himself overboard. there are countless moments for which he’s significantly less than proud of. murder being a number of them. he’s just had to do what he’s had to do.

but with you, being dealt a really bad hand, stuck on a pirate ship, condemned to a level that the pirates themselves don’t really come to, he feels real sadness, and real fear, and real protectiveness. he wants to help you. he’s not sure why, he’s never felt the need to help anyone. but seeing that desperation in your eyes, and the sheer willpower you’ve held onto for this long, he empathizes with you in ways he’s not even sure he fully understands.

niall trudges over to you, placing his satchel down on the crate next to you, opening it up to show you its contents. “sorry it’s nothing better. s’really all that survives the long trips.”

“don’t worry about it, please. it’s food,” you smile, reaching in and taking a handful of beans. 

“i couldn’t find any water,” he sighs, “that one’s going to be a bit harder to come by. i’ll go lurking later tonight, when they’re all passed out,” he nods towards the upper deck, where the crew are currently working. “for now though, i hope ale’s okay ? at least it’ll fix the thirst for a bit, yeah ?” he hums hopefully.

your smile only grows wider, swallowing down a bite of the biscuit you had reached for, “niall, don’t make a fuss,” you murmur softly. “you’ve gotten me a meal, and you’ve been nothing but kind to me. i really appreciate all of it,” you hum, taking a sip and another bite, finding yourself hungrier than you thought. the slowly waning adrenaline causing your body to need a  refuel.

“it’s no problem,” niall smiles, “really. just want you to stay safe, and to make it off this ship unharmed.”

you feel heat rise to your cheeks, your eyes trained down on the food he’s provided. you could not have a crush on a pirate. you. could. not. you had to get off this ship and never, ever, look back. fuck.

you take a deep breath, looking over at him, “you seem too nice to be a pirate.”

niall’s mouth quirks up in a smirky smile, breathy chuckle rumbling from his chest, he shakes his head, “there’s a lot of nice lads here. but pirate mentality tends to take over and the next thing you know, you’re doing something you’d never ever thought of doing.”

your eyes lock with his, reading him for a moment, a silent moment, as you both exchange a sad, knowing gaze, “would it have been different if you weren’t alone when you found me ?”

at that, niall sighs, shoulders deflating. he reaches up on his head, gripping his hat and taking it off, resting it on the crate, behind you. it’s the first time you see him without it, expecting to finally get a glace at his hair, you’re only slightly disappointed to see a tattered, muted green bandana wrapped around his head. although you do note peaks of brown tousles poking through behind his ears and by his neck. small hoops pierced through his lobes.

without his hat, more light hits his eyes, which you note are a deep blue. his skin was tanned, darkened from long days in the blistering sun. he’s gorgeous. you cannot. cannot. have a crush on a pirate.

“i’d like to believe that i would have stood up for you,” niall murmurs. “like to believe that when i saw that look in your eyes, i’d be getting them away from you. can’t even begin to imagine the alternative, to be honest, darling.”

you let the pet name slide, too caught up with the fact that he keeps saying he’d like to believe. it’s not quite as reassuring as you’d hoped. you aren’t completely sure how much you can trust him yet. after all, a bit of food is a nice peace offering, but he hasn’t proven himself just yet.

it’s a few hours after that, before you see niall again. he does need to spend some time, enough time, with the crew, working. he can’t let anyone notice that he’s gone too long. or at least, where he’s going. if any of the lads find out that he’s spending time down there, they’ll suspect something. he needs to do this very delicately. needs to be smart about this. 

as he returns, he smiles wide at you, waving a pair of boots around. “smallest ones i could find, keep your feet dry.”

your eyebrows furrow squinting your eyes, the darkness of early evening settling, less and less daylight filtering through the small cracks in the wood.

“s’hard to see innit ?” niall hums, patting his pants, fingers finding some matches in one of the pockets, striking one against a crate to light it, the dim flame just enough to illuminate his face and the pair of boots he’s holding up.

“you got me some boots ?” you look up at him, a burst of warmth spreading through your chest, biting your lip softly as you reach for them, slipping them on. “these are perfect,” you hum, clicking your feet together.

niall searches the walls and ceiling, finding a small gas lamp, unhooking it from its perch, and lighting it. a small corner of space sees proper lighting for the first time in a long time. taking a look around, he thinks he prefers it when it’s dark.

but upon looking over at your feet, he sees you were exaggerating quite a bit. the boots were far from perfect, much too big on you. “you seem to be handling all of this really well for someone as prim and proper as you are.”

you laugh, a true laugh, your first one in god knows how long, shaking your head. “didn’t grow up like this,” you explain, hands waving up and down to display your expensive dress. “one of the richest men in town, for some reason, had his sights set on me.”

“make that sound like a bad thing,” niall hums, hoisting himself up on the crate across from you, setting his hat down again.

“i hate him,” you murmur vehemently. and again, you both lock eyes in a silent moment, the flame flickering a dim glow over both of your features, intensifying the connection. 

niall snaps out of it first, “wanted to bring you the boots, and check in on ya. it’s gotten pretty dark out, the crew’ll be out cold in a bit. i’ll try to find you some water. i’ll be back. keep that light, makes it a little less glum.”

and again, he’s off, just as quickly as he came. you were forever grateful for the bits of company. and the little things he’d bring you every time he dropped on by. in the meantime though, you were lonely. tucked away in the depths of despair, longing and awaiting for your gorgeous pirate’s return.

christ, stop. you did not have a crush. you did not. however, you could admit to yourself that having a place of escape, in your mind that is, helped pass the time a little bit. a place where you and niall were on a grand adventure at sea, wind billowing in your hair, fresh salty air, nothing but beautiful sunsets on the horizon.

how you longed for a breath of fresh air. to feel the wind on your skin. it was getting increasingly hard to be held up like you were. you had no idea that rot and severe lack of sunlight could affect someone so quickly.

you were growing increasingly desperate. and thinking back, niall had mentioned countless times that the crew pass out cold at night. maybe you could sneak around too ? just enough to make it a bit higher up. 

this was foolish, you kept telling yourself as you take slow steps towards the stairs, and yet, you couldn’t stop yourself. it’s like if your body could feel its impending death if it stayed put. your sheer will to have some clean air seemingly taking over the fear for a split moment. 

you were two floors up before you started noticing signs of life. sticking to the empty staircase, peering over quietly to notice breathing lumps of men, tucked into hammocks slung around randomly. 

continuing on your way, you stop a few steps from the very top, sitting on it, not risking being seen on the wide open deck. you breathe in deeply, crisp nighttime air filling your lungs. tilting your head back, eyes blinking up, you notice the vast array of stars. smiling to yourself, you enjoy a moment of calm. 

that is, until you hear some sounds from below you. what seems to be a conversation. and by the rumbling, tumbling steps, and the slurring, cackling voices, you’d best believe they were drunk. with the sounds getting louder, they were heading up to the top deck.

panic rising in your chest, your eyes dart from side to side, figuring there was nowhere to go but up. you climb the rest of the stairs, finding the large expanse of the ship to be empty. rushing, you look around to find a hiding spot, just about to take your first step towards a barrel, when a bone chilling sentence hits your brain. 

“well, well, well. look at what we have here.”

“hmm, pretty young lady. looks like we get to have some fun tonight.”

you whimper, frozen in fear, hearing the loud chuckle from behind you, “i get her first !” one of them shouts, surging forward and gripping your shoulder. he walks you forward towards the very barrel you were planning to dash for, just moments ago, pressing on your upper back, between your shoulder blades, bending you over.

you can feel him lean over you, pressed up against you, murmuring against your ear, “such a little treat aren’t you ?”

“what the-“ you hear from further behind you, the man no longer pressed against you, as he looks behind himself. 

“fuck- what are you-“ just as you look behind yourself, curiously panicked, worried that you may have an even worse imminent future ahead. 

instead you’re met with the sight of your attacker, pulled back into niall’s chest, held down by his mouth to muffle any sounds, watching niall glide a blade through your attacker’s throat. 

you feel as if your heart was about to beat out of your throat, eyes bulging wide, trying to take in the scene in front of you. two men, in a heap on the floor, throats gushing blood. you were gasping for breath, slowly backing away, until your back hit the barrel.

“what in god’s name are you doing ?” niall snaps, looking around to make sure no one’s seen anything. “why would you do something so fucking stupid ?”

he was furious. and you could tell. instantly regretting your decision to try and reach some upper floors. “i-“ you sigh, looking down, unable to look him in the eye. you felt like a small child, being scolded. and truthfully, you deserved it. what you did was stupid. and if niall hadn’t found you right then and there, you’re not sure what would be happening right now. 

your gaze tentatively flicks up towards his, shame plastered on your features, as you do something you never imagined doing. you lunge forward, wrapping your arms around niall, the force of it all making him take a few steps back.

he was shocked. he hadn’t been privy to a hug in over a decade. his eyes blink rapidly a few times, before slowly wrapping his arms around your waist, holding you to him, hearing a faint, “thank you for saving me,” puff out from your lips, warm breath hitting his neck. 

niall’s eyes flutter closed, his head resting against yours, taking in a breath. the fresh cleanliness of the soap you used in your hair was still clinging on, under the scent of the sea, a welcomed change his nostrils revelled in. 

he found himself relaxing into your arms, the protective anger he was feeling over you fading, murmuring, “please tell me what the fuck you were doing.”

you slowly pull away from the hug, sighing, “i was desperate for some fresh air. you kept talking about the crew passing out at night, figured it’d be my best shot,” you shrug.

“christ, darling, let me in on your plans next time yeah ? let me keep you safe. d’ya have any idea how bad that could have been if i wasn’t here ?” he shakes his head. “fuck, lets not think about that. need to take care of my mess. then m’gonna find you a change of clothes. can’t have ya sneaking around in that dress. s’too obvious.” 

he turns around, hoisting the bodies one at a time, rolling them over the edge of the ship, to crash into the frigid waters below.

“niall, you-“ you take a deep breath, your shoulders slugging, “you killed two people. for me. i- fuck, i can’t believe i-“

“shh,” he hums, shaking his head, pressing his index finger against your lips when he notices you about to speak again. “don’t have ta say it. m’honestly so fucking glad i was here.”

your breath catches as his finger makes contact with your mouth, a tingle of warmth spreading through your entire body, leaving your fingers and toes slightly numb. for a moment you find yourself wanting nothing more than to kiss him. with the sweat on his brow and the dirt on his skin, and fuck even the blood on his hands, you were so attracted to him. you cannot have a crush on a bloody pirate.

he slowly pulls his finger away, eyes locked on yours, feeling the erratic beating in his chest, because my god, he’s never felt such soft lips. doesn’t remember wanting to kiss anyone so bad in so long. not that there’s been even remotely close to a kissing prospect. “c’mon, that’s gotta be enough fresh air for today. can’t risk it any longer. lets get you back down there, darling. i’ll go sleuthing for some clothes.”

“niall,” you rush out, gripping into his arm just as he was trying to walk away, “thank you. for everything.”

a small smile tugs at his lips, blush rising to his cheeks, turning away again and setting off with you, making sure the coast is clear every step of the way, until you’re back to the safety of the bottom deck.

it had been days since your little adventure to the outside. and as much as you were craving a trip back up, you were slightly petrified. 

niall had brought you some clothes, and even though you could fairly blend in with the crew, you weren’t quite ready to test it for real. 

in the meantime, niall’s been your source of friendship, coming to check on you regularly, whenever he could sneak away, bringing you food and drinks. he even tracked down some water for you a couple of times. 

tonight, however, you couldn’t hold out anymore. so when niall comes by for his late evening visit, you hop down from the crate you’d made yourself comfortable on, bounding over to him, “can we go up tonight ?”

he looks over you, eyes wide, “you really want to try that again ?” he asks quietly, out of fear for you. fear of what could happen to you, to him for hiding you. 

but with the large puppy eyes you were feeding him and the severe level of empathy he has for you, he ends up giving in pretty quickly, nodding his approval, “yeah, alright. suppose it’s something you need. please stay close. and do whatever i say.”

“yes sir,” you smirk, saluting him. as soon as your hand left your forehead, you felt like a complete fool. embarrassing yourself in front of the man whom you’ve grown more and more affection towards.

he giggles though, a real giggle, shaking his head at you, “m’a pirate, not in the fuckin navy, darling.”

you laugh along with him, ever grateful for him. you’re unsure of how you’ll ever be able to thank him for all that he’s done for you. including murder for fuck sake. you have to come up with something before leaving the ship.

you stay quiet, following him up the stairs, niall checking each floor as he goes, confirming that everyone is rightfully asleep. once he makes it to the top deck, he takes one look around, finding the entirety of the space, completely abandoned. niall’s hand reaches out for yours, helping you up the last few steps.

taking a deep breath, your eyes close momentarily, enjoying the feeling of whipping wind against your skin, tiny droplets of sea water spraying you from time to time. it was so refreshing, so incredibly needed after the time down below.

walking over to the edge, hands gripped into the side of the ship, looking at the vast expanse of pure, pitch, darkness. there was nothing but stars as far as the eye could see. 

niall coming over to stand next to you, he hums softly, “what’s got you so focused ? s’nothing but black out there.”

“kinda nice innit ?” you ask quietly, “the stars, the open sea, how tiny we really are in the grand scheme of things.”

“you think that’s nice ?” he asks, slightly confused. “isn’t that a bit scary ? what’s the point of it all ? we wont really make a difference anyway.”

at that, you hum, your head resting against niall’s shoulder, his arm instinctively wrapping itself around your shoulders. you never thought you’d be over the moon to be cuddled up with a pirate, but he actually made you feel comfortable, safe, a feeling that was fairly foreign for you at this point. and you were revelling in it.

“you think you won’t make a difference ?” you ask softly, turning yourself a bit more into him, “you’ve already made a huge one,” you explain. “you’ve saved me. saved my life.”

“but-“ niall furrows his eyebrows, “that’s just how my mam raised me. to be kind. s’not really making a difference in the world.”

you shake your head, humming a protest, “one person can’t change the entire world, that would be a bit of a pompous thought,” you chuckle, adding quietly, “but you’ve made a difference in my world.”

niall feels his heart burst, prickling heat shooting from his chest throughout his entire body. he buries his face in your hair, pulling you closer to him, “think you’ve made an even bigger difference in mine.”

moments before he was about to turn your face towards his, he hears it, a deep chuckle coming from behind, “looks like nialler found a treasure. gonna share with your brothers ?”

he feels you go stiff as a board next to him, feels the moment the air leaves your body, feels the panic encompassing every fibre of your being. he looks down at you, trying to convey any form of safety in his gaze, mouthing to you, “run,” before pushing you off towards the stairs. 

instantly, the other man is taking off after you, bounding down the stairs two at a time, niall quickly in toe. 

you just make it back to your dark and dingy secluded hideout, when a large, rough hand presses you into one of the crates in front of you, making your forehead smack down hard on the wood. 

you whimper, the man’s hands closing on your hips, squeezing roughly, painfully. and just like the last time, a moment later, he’s lifted off of you, niall’s blade slicing through his neck.

niall’s catching his breath, trying to calm his nerves, as he looks down at the scene, taking the moment in for the first time, because fuck, this is not good.

he looks up at you, noting the gash on your forehead, “christ, darling, you alright ?” he asks, fingertip darting out to gently touch the wound.

you flinch back, bottom lip trembling, as you feel yourself giving out, niall quick to catch you before you fall into the sludge water, leaning heavily on him, face tucked into his neck, “i can’t do this anymore,” you cry softly. “i can’t, i can’t. i need air, i need sun, fuck,” you tremble. “m’always so scared. i just can’t anymore niall.”

he holds you tightly, heart shattering for you. you hadn’t asked for this. you were a good person. you didn’t deserve any of this. mind reeling after the events of just moments ago, niall comes up with a plan, “we’re getting off this ship.”

“what ?” you ask exhaustedly, peering up at him, every ounce of your being, drained.

“you can’t stay here anymore. s’too dangerous. and you need air. we’ll take one of the lifeboats,” he explains, before nodding towards the body, “s’the first mate. someone’s going to notice he’s missing. and m’not about to lug him all the way up to throw him overboard, someone’ll see.”

“niall, i can’t make you do that,” you sigh. “can’t make you leave the safety of the ship for me.”

he cups your neck in his large hand, his thumb stroking your jaw, eyes peering into your own, conviction in his tone, “can’t go alone, darling. i told you i’d keep you safe. couldn’t live with myself if you were out there all alone. we’re leaving. tonight.”

Part 2

……

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

tags : @cc-horan

[foofenshmirtz]

Log #4 My Best Friends

Disclaimer, this Au goes into detail about death, mentions of sexual assault, cults, religion, gore, and explicit details about violence. viewer discretion is advised. I do not own any of the characters unless stated otherwise and everything is purely for entertainment purposes. I only own my writing.

My plans for today went completely down the drain. I was supposed to go try and get on Tims good side in an attempt to gain some favors but it started to rain and it seemed the 3 boys had disappeared from their side of the woods. ████   says they are most likely on patrol which makes me feel slightly bad due to the weather. I didn't let this get me down ( even if the roof to my cabin is leaking) 

████  and I have decided to just relax at home, or try to. I figured it would be productive to do some more logging and since I already have logs on myself, the 4 brothers and a few of the proxies, I figured it would also be beneficial to record my two best friends.

Yurei Reid: St Bernard    z██m██ dog     Age: 4   Weight: 120 pounds     

Yurei is the sweetest dog in the world. She has been my loyal service dog for around 4 years now and has helped me everyday we have been together. I love her like she's family and I would give her the world (she deserves it). She knows a many tricks and helps me h█n█ ████ ███ █s████e ████ ████████ it ████ ███████ ██ ██p ████ ███ f█e█h ██ ███ ███ br███ █e █████ c█r██p█  Shes such a good dog. Yurei Fun Facts:  She hates lemons Likes to hunt down mice Is nervous around men (mood) Insists on sleeping on top of me despite weight more than me Loves the snow

█████ ███g███ : Ghost  Age: 19? 29?  Weight: 0 pounds???  Height: could be around 5'4 (she floats)

████  won't tell me much about her past but if I had to guess due to her appearance she passed away in the hospital. I don't wanna pry much since it's probably a sensitive subject but she worries me sometimes. I can tell she tries to have a good time and have fun but there is just this overall sadness that seems to consume her body. Maybe that's a ghost thing but I wish I could help out in any way.

She won't tell me if she had any siblings or anything about her dad but she has talked about her mother a few times. Apparently her mother is very kind and is quite the baker but besides the food her mother made and how she always wanted to be a nurse. She sounds like a very nice lady and I had to guess she might still be alive. A few things Ly has told me are her interests, we often like to play games on my old ds and the shows she often references consist of ‘pretty little liars’ and ‘ jersey shore’. If I had to guess she was alive for the early 2010’s but not much past that. Ly is also very dramatic, she speaks a lot with her hands and knows how to ramble and gossip which isn't too surprising considering i'm the first person she has spoken to since her death, plus i like her dramatics. It helps me understand her body language better and how she is feeling. The three of us are a good trio.

████  Fun Facts Enjoys video games Is very competitive Very paranoid Speaks her mind (she rants a lot) Very good spy Makes me feel safer in the woods Is my best friend

The storm isn't dying down anytime today so I decided to draw ████. She hasn't seen what she looks like since she was alive and since she is a ghost she cant see herself in mirrors so i figured drawing her was the best i could do for her.

████  liked the drawing but afterwards told me to get rid of it. I didnt understand why and figured keeping it in the notebook would be fine. I dont understand why she wanted me to get rid of it.

I left the drawing in the notebook and when I came back the page was destroyed and ████  seemed upset. I'm sorry, I don't understand what I did wrong. She left to go somewhere in the woods, she didn't tell me where she was going but I'm a little worried, I know she cant get hurt but I wish she would tell me what made her so upset. 

Feelings are hard to understand.

Ly eventually came back, she seemed better and when i asked her what i did she just said it's best to not keep anything about her around to keep me safe. I don't understand what she meant but I trust her.

I just wish she would tell me why she needs to be secret.

Hey guys, just wanted to thank everyone who has been enjoying the story so far, i also posted this AU on tiktok along with photos specifically for them, and eventually it will also be on A03. The stories will all be the same obviously, but each platform might have its own hidden things in its specific post so if that's something that interests you my tiktok and A03 accounts will be in my bio. The next post is going to actually be the first chapter in the story and from now on the posting will consist of a log one day and then the next a chapter. Thank You.

[journey-to-the-center-of-the-liz]

Questions and suggestions

1. What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?

Nothing for me truly feels better than going out down town with my friends. I love downtown with all of my heart so getting to show my friends my favorite place feels so magical. I love the book store down town i need to buy more books for sure!

2. What type of music are you into?

I am into so much music which I know is a generic statement but its true if I ever had to pick a favorite genre it would likely be old female jazz music. women talking about the reality of life how sometimes ur not beautiful sometimes you just cry and chain smoke cigarettes.

3. What was the best vacation you ever took and why?

When I was in the 6th grade before i came out i had a secret girlfriend and her family was SUPER rich. she and i went to montanna and then Wyoming i got to see yellow stone and also smell all the sulfer. everycorner had an icecream shop it was also the first time I went ziplining/ tight roping which was terrifying but perfect!

4. Where’s the next place on your travel bucket list and why?

I would absolutely love to go to the JIm henson mueseum. I have always admired the whymsy of his art especially fraggle rock and dark crystal!

5. What are your hobbies, and how did you get into them?

About 2 years ago i left a toxic friend group I used to have to devote all my time to them so when I left I had so much time to pick up hobbies. I draw,scuplt, throw knives, dance, sing, crochet, read, paint, thrift, and many other things.

6. What was your favorite age growing up?

8 was the best age for me. I was very smart compared to the rest of my  class back then along with that I also had my best birthday that year i asked for a mystic doll with a reverseable head and I also got a tiny donut keychain. It was perfect

7. What was the last thing you read?

Of mice and men. I havent finished it yet but holy shit it sad. I feel for Lennie very heavily i know what it feels like to be confused or to like something that ends up being something someone takes.

8. Would you say you’re more of an extrovert or an introvert?

Extrovert! my whole life everyone told me I was an introvert but I truly dont think I am. I am just an anxious extrovert.

10. What was the last TV show you binge-watched?

Beef on Netflix was so good truly and had a lot of nuance especially in the art world.

11. Are you into podcasts or do you only listen to music?

I can get down with podcasts. I love the whole concept of chatting to a stranger.

12. Do you have a favorite holiday? Why or why not?

Halloween. it's so unifying it the one day you can be anyone you want and act a way you to and not be questioned.

13. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Easy peasy pb and j. I have really bad stomach issues so I started eating blander food so i dont have to constantly take meds.pb and j can be made so differently along with that it give you everything you need!

14. Do you like going to the movies or prefer watching at home?

I love the theater its so fun to share the movie experience with strangers it makes me happpy to spend time with people.

15. What’s your go-to guilty pleasure?

Probably alittle drink. especially somthing strawberry flavored YUM!

16. How old were you when you had your first celebrity crush, and who was it?

as far back as I can remember I have had 2 celebrity crushes,beast boy from teen titans and donetello from the ninja turtles

17. What's one thing that can instantly make your day better?

Usually just a nice compliment does it for me.

18. Do you have any pet peeves?

When people make jokes about my struggles with addiction its just so uncalled for.

19. Which meal is your favorite: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

LUNCH IT  IS THE BEST

20. What song always gets you out on the dance floor?

Tainted love by softcell

21. What activity instantly calms you?

Painting its hard to be angry when you are creating art 

22. Ideally, how would you spend your birthday?

Surrounded by friends and family with a big cake and lots of hugs.

23. What do you do on your commute to/from work?

Usually talk to my mom about what i am gonna do after work so i get in a good mood for the shift

24. What's your favorite season and why?

Fall its perfect and calm

25. What's the phone app you use most?

Easily pintrest!

26. Would you rather cook or order in?

Cook especially if I have company

27. What's your favorite board game?

payday!

28. How do you take your coffee?

I like all coffee alot but black coffee hits so different!

29 What's your most prized possession and why?

Probably my fnaf circus baby funko pop. my dad got her for me when i needed someone to care about the way i felt i needed that reassurance that someone cared

30. What would be the first thing you'd do if you won the lottery?

Give it to my family and friends. I feel content with how I live my life so anything I can do to help them!

31. How do you enjoy spending your alone time?

I like to draw alot but anymreo i crochet when i am alone and when im with people.

32. What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?

I have never been to a concert sadly 

33. Do you have a favorite type of exercise?

VOLLEYBALL!!!!!!!

34. What causes are you passionate about?

I am really passionate about alot I believe everyone should have equal rights i am also very passionate about drug abuse being a disease and not a crime along with safe abortion.

35. What’s your favorite content genre (horror, sci-fi, rom-com, etc.)?

Horror comedy 

36. What’s an essential part of your daily routine?

 I try to say high to everyone i know even vaguely so they feel validated and knowo i care idk what i would do without doing that!

37. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received, and what did you do about it?

I am a pretty thankful person so for me atleast i feel like anything is good

38. Who or what never fails to make you laugh?

My cousin Jay THEY ARE SO FUNNY FOR NO REASON! And I love them so talking to them brightens my day!

39. Do you like group activities, or prefer doing things solo?

GROUP ACTIVITIES!

40. What's your ideal first date?

A walk around the town and then get food an tell each other everything we know about ourselves- just really have  a heart to heart 

41. What would your perfect day look like?

Wake up at a decent time and have donuts with my parents then go out for a while with friends and then work and then back out with friends and maybe a fair!

42. Do you collect anything?

I collect alot of random shit- clowns,crystals,hotwheels, tech decks, batman figures, fnaf figures , candels

43. What's the best gift you've ever received, and why?

The best gift I ever received was probably my huge jar jar binks animatronic i got for free at a down town toy shop. 

44. What would your perfect meal look like?

Lots of veggies like a charcuterie board with fruit,veggies,cheese,meat, honey and crackers, and maybe baked beans<3

45. What's your favorite podcast?

Violating community guide lines

46. Is there one job you’d never ever do?

Honestly the only one i probably wouldnt do is be a hitman

47. What’s the first thing you do after getting home from work?

Change i hate smelling like sweat and syrup

48. Who or what inspires you in your career?

I am very inspired by small time creatives anyone who exspiriments with art.

49. How do you approach taking time off from work?

I am honest and only take off once every 3 months or so

50. What’s something an outsider wouldn’t know about your industry?

I am actually working for a mlm but our shop is a front HAHA

51. Do you have a morning routine at work? If so, what it’s like?

I work afternoon shift but the first thing I do is wash my friends put on 60s music and make  a cucumber drink.

52. Are you able to work from home, and if so, do you enjoy it?

I am also a part time illustrator other than a tea bar tender and yes i absolutely love it

53. Do you get along with all your coworkers?

YES I TRULY LOVE THEM ALL

54. What’s your favorite thing about your current job?

The people they all are so kind and respectful

55. What annoys you the most about your job?

Hmm not alot honestly probably just people who yell at me but i also understand they are struggling 

56. What’s the career highlight you’re most proud of?

The first book i got published it meant everything to me!

57. What type of role do you want to take on after this one?

Hmm I am not sure I just do what the world offers me!

58. Are you more of a "work to live" or a "live to work" type of person?

Live to work i want to always to enjoy everyday and just working to live would be miserable

59. Does your job make you feel happy and fulfilled? Why or why not?

YES the smiles and the nice words do it all!

60. How would your 10-year-old self react to what you do now?

She would be confused but in the end happy

61. What do you remember most about your first job?

The time i saw a lady with no teeth eat coleslaw with her hand

62. How old were you when you started working?

16 but before that I babysitted 

63. What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

Cracker Barrel waitress holy shit it was bad. 

64. What originally got you interested in your current field of work?

I loved the tea we made and i drank it so much they asked if I just wanted a job HAHA

66. Have you ever had a side hustle or considered having one?

Yeah I have a few I sell art and clothes and other trinkets along with illustrating and babysitting

67. What’s the best career decision you’ve ever made?

The best career decision I ever made was speaking up I truly cant suggest anything better than takung what the world gives you and making it yours

68. What’s the worst career decision you’ve ever made?

I very often get burn out but I am working on it!

69. Do you consider yourself good at networking?

Absolutely not but thats okay!

70. What career advice would you give to your younger self?

Speak up you have valid things to say bby!

71. Do you believe in having a "five-year plan"?

Yes i think thatr considering the future is so important

72. When will you know you've "made it"?

I feel as though I already have  i have family and friends and a home and thats enough

73. Are you looking forward to retiring, or do you plan to work as long as possible?

I would like to work as long as possible

74. Have you ever had imposter syndrome?

Not  sure maybe just a  little

75. What qualities do you look for in a boss?

caring,respectful,fun

76. Do you have a professional mentor? If not, do you want one?

I would love one but i dont have one!

77. What energizes you about your career?

The kindness and the delicious taste of the tea

79. How do you motivate yourself in your career?

I Remind myself i need money to pay for the things i love and do things to help others

80. When you started your current job, what most surprised you?

How people who are normally kind to me at school are much ruder at work.

81. How do you pick yourself back up after making a mistake at work?

I Dance a lot. If i mess something up real bad i will fix it laugh and do a little dnace

82. How do you deal with work stress?

I remind myself everything is temporary 

83. What's one work-related thing you want to accomplish in the next year?

I want to host a sip and paint

84. Who has had the biggest impact on your career choice?

My mother she always helps me find new things and step out of my comfort zone

85. What does your family think of your career?

They are very proud of me

86. If you could do it all over again, would you pursue the same career? Why or why not?

I am not sure no matter what i would do i will continue to do what is offered to me 

87. Does your work routine vary, or does it look the same every day/week?

It varies a lot depending on the week 

88. What do you typically wear to work?

Employee teeshirt and jeans!

89. Have you ever had to relocate for work?

No  not yet!

90. Would you ever relocate for work, if you were asked to?

I would do whatever I needed to do for a good job

91. Have you ever been on a cool business trip?

YES RECENTLY FOR WORK I WENT TO CHICAGO IT WAS AMAZONG

92. How do you handle career setbacks?

I take a minute to reset and get back at it

93. How much time do you spend with your family?

ALOT

94. Who do you most like spending time with and why?

I honestly enjoy spending time with just about fanyone I love hearing other peoples ideas alot!

95. Which family member makes the best food?

My parents cooking compliments each other perfectly mh father learned how to cook in a restaurant while my moms mom passed down recipes and technique to her so its amazing!

96. How has your opinion of your family changed over the years?

When i was younger i use to be dumb and be upset at my mom all the time but now i am so much closer with everyone

97. If you’re close with your family, what’s the hardest part about spending time away from them? I miss my moms laugh and my dads funny jokes when we are apart. :(

98. Do you wish you had a bigger family, or are you happy with its current size?

HOnestly i am happy with what i have but the more the merrier 

99. Which family member has had the greatest impact on you?

My mother easily she is truly my rock

100. What’s your favorite story about your grandparents?

Probably the time my grandma with a broke arm tried to arm wrestle me over math homework

101. Have you ever mapped out your family tree?

YES my grandma is actually a genealogist! 

102. Were you close with your family growing up?

No sadly i was not

103. Who in your family makes you feel the safest?

Probably again my mom she is so strong!

104. Do you want a family of your own?

YES SO BADLY i want to have children so i can show them true love not challenged by generations of trauma

105. If you could change your relationship with a family member, would you? If so, with whom?

My nana i would love to be closer with her but she so unkind its very hard

106. What was it like growing up as the youngest/oldest/middle/only child?

I was the youngest but was always supposed to take care of the oldest i think that might be why i get such bad burn out because i started doing things everyone in my grade did but 2 years earlier

107. What’s your favorite family memory?

Hmm i have many but last summer my family played frisbee golf and then went to dairy king

108. Do you ever wish you were raised differently?

Yes and no is parenting hard yes were situations handled badly when i was younger often yes.

109. What’s the best piece of advice a family member has given you?

Once when i was younger and much more aggressive and frustrated i stayed up to late and had a panic attack and then my sibling said stop taking everything so seriously this isnt the end 

110. Do you wish you had more siblings? If so, why?

Yes and no i feel it would be nice but also i am content with one

111. Did you ever hide anything from or lie to your parents?

Yes but i dont blame them for it

112. What's your favorite way to spend time with your family?

Board games i am incredibly bad at games and it makes everyone laugh!

113. How do you show your family you love them?

Gifts hugs words treats stuff like that helping them in general

114. What’s your favorite family tradition?

Going to my grandmas on christmas

115. What's the most important holiday you spend with your family and why?

Christmas and because it just always has been i wonder when that started

116. What's something your family would be surprised to learn about you?

Probably just how bad my addiction was  i dont want them to be sad or view me as sick so i don't really tell anyone

117. Which family member do you confide in most?

Hmm honestly all of my nuclear family hears it all

118. How do you deal with arguments between family members?

I apologize and ask what i can do to help them feel better/

120. What's more important: family or friends?

Both i truly cannot pick

121. Do you have any friends you would consider family?

LITTERALLY ALL OF THEM I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH

122. What physical traits do you share with your relatives?

We all have large noses lol

123. What stories did your family members tell you growing up?

My dad used to make up stories for me and my sibling about them being a ballerina and me being an animal whisperer and wed do on adventures

124. How did your parents (and/or grandparents) meet?

The city cleaning center haha

125. What makes you proud of your family?

I am proud of them for everything they do

126. What can always bring your family together?

A new marvel movie

127. Do you share a name with anyone in your family?

Sadly no but iw ish i did

128. What activities do you like to do with your family today?

I love to paint with them

129. What activities did you love to do with your family growing up?

Probably play board games again lol

[sevman49]

YOU THINK I DONT KNOW?

I know, I'm weird. You think I don't know? The people closest to me, those who have known me since childhood or high school, decades, let's say, don't know this side of me, my weird side. They don't know about this blog and if any of them stumbled onto it wouldn't associate it with me. Even my ex wife of over 30 years, who is STILL my best friend, and knows everything about me doesn't know THIS. That I am deeply committed to FEMALE SUPREMACY, the MATRIARCHY, and the GYNARCHY. And any other "archy" that is synonymous to those.

It's part of me, in me, defines me and what I think about. This characteristic wasn't learned, it was already planted in my DNA and sat dormant until I was about 10 years old. Then it woke up, stretched it's legs, and introduced itself to me. And from the first inkling of it existing, my first remembered fantasy, I knew it made me different from the guys I hung with. No matter what age group I was currently tied to. I can honestly say I personally don't know another guy that lives to submit to the superior female like I do. Not one. Nada.

I've met and shared with hundreds of boys and men throughout life. The ones who I ran with, worked with, schooled with, all of those kind of relationships. Not once has it occurred to me that any of them were like me. Usually if your acquaintance is gay, you know it and so what? It's not hidden as much as it once was. But my condition is. I'll never know but I'm going to randomly say that 7 males I know or have known are hiding the same secret as me. What if all 8 of us admitted it to each other. I would still feel like mine is the most extreme version compared to their's. All of us would.

It's just the opposite if you are dominant, male or female. You're strong, large and in charge, by God! You inspire admiration and it's considered a good trait. And it is! Even if it's only presented in sexual relationships. It's actually normal. Good for 90 percent of you. And of you 90, only 20 percent carry it to an extreme where you need someone to practice on, a partner to take your abuse and shut the fuck up. (Actual numbers not exactly researched, that would take effort).

Here are 10 things you don't tell other people about yourself. In no particular order. (Does the alphabet necessarily have to be in that particular order? I didn't coin that question, some comedian did. I just like repeating it because it's a good question.)

1. That you are a submissive and love that lifestyle.

2. That you murdered someone

3. That you're racist.

4. That you are afraid of clowns, or crickets, or the

dark, mice, any number of things.

5. That you are a coward

6. That you are a cheater

7. That you need to be liked

8. That your a pedophile (this is a REALLY good

example)

9. That you are a bad sport

10. That you covet thy neighbor's wife, or worse,

their daughter or son.

I see three of those that apply to me. Fuck!

Well, I'm admitting the first one. You'll never know the other two.

I enjoy the dominant female, the NATURALLY dominant ones who know they are going to be the boss of their man and that's just the way it is. It's not negotiable. It's my way or my way. Take your pick. Yeah, THAT one. The one who is capable and willing to physically deal with her man. I'm not seeking a professional mistress to have sessions with, I'm seeking the one who lives the lifestyle and expects her partner to do the same.

That turned into a want ad pretty quickly. CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO ASSIST YOU!

I know, I'm weird.

[nicklloydnow]

“If there is a pattern there it will not shape itself to anything these eyes can recognize. Because the question for me was always whether that shape we see in our lives was there from the beginning or whether these random events are only called a pattern after the fact. Because otherwise we are nothing. Do you believe in fate?

Yes mam. I guess I do.

My father had a great sense of the connectedness of things. I'm not sure I share it. He claimed that the responsibility for a decision could never be abandoned to a blind agency but could only be relegated to human decisions more and more remote from their consequences. The example he gave was of a tossed coin that was at one time a slug in a mint and of the coiner who took that slug from the tray and placed it in the die in one of two ways and from whose act all else followed, cara y cruz. No matter through whatever turnings nor how many of them. Till our turn comes at last and our turn passes.

She smiled. Thinly. Briefly.

It's a foolish argument. But that anonymous small person at his workbench has remained with me. I think if it were fate that ruled our houses it could perhaps be flattered or reasoned with. But the coiner cannot. Peering with his poor eyes through dingy glasses at the blind tablets of metal before him. Making his selection. Perhaps hesitating a moment. While the fates of what unknown worlds to come hang in the balance. My father must have seen in this parable the accessibility of the origins of things, but I see nothing of the kind. For me the world has always been more of a puppet show. But when one looks behind the curtain and traces the strings upward he finds they terminate in the hands of yet other puppets, themselves with their own strings which trace upward in turn, and so on. In my own life I saw these strings whose origins were endless enact the deaths of great men in violence and madness. Enact the ruin of a nation. (…)

In the end we all come to be cured of our sentiments. Those whom life does not cure death will. The world is quite ruthless in selecting between the dream and the reality, even where we will not. Between the wish and the thing the world lies waiting. Ive thought a great deal about my life and about my country. I think there is little that can be truly known. My family has been fortunate. Others were less so. As they are often quick to point out.

When I was in school I studied biology. I learned that in making their experiments scientists will take some group - bacteria, mice, people - and subject that group to certain conditions. They compare the results with a second group which has not been disturbed. This second group is called the control group. It is the control group which enables the scientist to gauge the effect of his experiment. To judge the significance of what has occurred. In history there are no control groups. There is no one to tell us what might have been. We weep over the might have been, but there is no might have been. There never was. It is supposed to be true that those who do not know history are condemned to repeat it. I dont believe knowing can save us. What is constant in history is greed and foolishness and a love of blood and this is a thing that even God - who knows all that can be known - seems powerless to change.

(…)

I thought you didnt believe in fate.

She waved her hand. It's not so much that I dont believe in it. I dont subscribe to its nomination. If fate is the law then is fate also subject to that law? At some point we cannot escape naming responsibility. It's in our nature. Sometimes I think we are all like that myopic coiner at his press, taking the blind slugs one by one from the tray, all of us bent so jealously at our work, determined that not even chaos be outside of our own making.”

[lombredanslaeu]

𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒎𝒑 𝒅𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒔 | jung jaehyun.

plot: the story of jung jaehyun and the implications of his relationship with the ceo’s daughter - all the saccharine, the bitter, and the sour. word count 7405

genre: angst, fluff

warnings: curse words 

playlist: the louvre lorde | hard feelings lorde | the girl city & colour | i dont wanna be okay without you charlie bug

this isn’t proofread, so i apologize for any mistakes. feedback is highly appreciated, it motivates me to write more. <3

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are: “It might have been.” - Kurt Vonnegut

I.

Contrary to the public belief, the daughter of one of the biggest entertainment companies in the country isn’t as snippy and snobby as the world pictures her to be. Growing up, you never failed to respect everyone, regardless of their social status. That’s why the world seemed to be in shock when a photo of you, Doyoung, and Johnny spread like wildfire all over social networking sites.

“Why are people so in shock about me being friends with you guys?” You inquired, shoving a spoon of cheesecake to your mouth.

“They’re probably wondering why the hell you’re friends with losers like us.” Johnny replied.

“Oh yeah, that’s probably it.” You agreed. Johnny faked a hurting face, causing everyone in the room to burst into small laughters and smiles.

A swing of the dorm’s door revealed three more of the boys. Mark Lee, Kim Jungwoo, and Jung Jaehyun. How do you begin with Jung Jaehyun?

Everyone fawned over the boy. Who wouldn’t? With a cherub face and charming smile, anyone would fall head over heels over Jaehyun. You blamed his looks, you blamed his voice, and you blamed Doyoung for pointing everything Jaehyun did excellently. You blamed everything else but yourself for having a stupid crush on the boy.

“Oh, I bought you guys cheesecake.” You smiled at the newcomers.

“You’re heaven-sent, Y/N!” Jungwoo exclaimed.

“Thanks, Y/N.” Jaehyun said, with that godly smile that he always wore. You smiled off the racing beats of your heart, concious that Doyoung or Johnny might notice your sudden tension.

Unbeknowsnt to you, one of them already knows. And he has a plan to accomplish.

The warm sun was normally a pleasant thing for you. However, your lack of sleep and rest the previous night was overtaking your personality today. The busy chatters of the students that walk through the premises of Seoul National University fileld your ears. It was a normal day - lectures, presentations, and countless pages to read. You’re already on your third year of college, you should have been used to this by now. Another misconception about you is that you don’t have a personal driver to drive you to and from places; heck, you don’t even own your own car yet. You don’t do it very often but you bratty side is cursing your parents for trying to make you live independently. You made a mental note to complain to them later that night.

A resounding beep from your phone made you halt your walk.

Jung Jaehyun (SM): Hey! Are you around SNU right now?

That’s weird. You thought. It was actually more new than weird. Sure, you and Jaehyun are friends but you don’t think you’ve already reached the level of texting each other all of a sudden.

You: Yeah! Do you need anything?

Jung Jaehyun: I’m actually quite lost.

Jung Jaehyun: Doyoung told me to buy something from this home depot around SNU.

Jung Jaehyun: Do you know where Rosé Palace is?

You chuckled at his sentiment. Your palms sweat by the fact that you just might see him today. You didn’t look your best at this very moment, you didn’t feel the need to fix yourself since your main plan for today was just go to school.

You: I know where that is. Where are you right now?

Jung Jaehyun: I’m here near the musuem.

After a few walks and turns, you found the poor man. He wore all black clothing, with a mask and a bucket hat probably to hide his identity.

“Hey, I’m sorry for being a bother.” He apologized.

“Oh, no! It’s okay! I was done with school anyway.” You quickly respond. “Rosé Palace is actually very near here.”

“Oh, is it?” Jaehyun spoke. “I’m sorry, I really should have just tried finding it instead of bothering you.”

“Stop, it’s really not a problem.” You assured him.

You expected the walk to the location to be awkward. After all, you and Jaehyun doesn’t talk much. He would only ever talk to you whenever someone is also in the conversation.

“Do you live around SNU?” Jaehyun asked.

“Nope,” You answered. “I live at my parent’s home. I don’t dorm here.”

“Really? Do you commute?”

“I actually do.”

“You’re not scared?”

“Not a lot of people know who I am, Jaehyun. They just see me as another tired, college girl.”

“Must be nice not having people know who you are.” His tone seemed down and almost envious.

“Hey, you should be happy people know your name.” You said. “I could probably die right now and no one would bat an eye until they find out I’m a daughter of a CEO.”

“That’s not true!” He spoke. “I’d bat an eye!”

You laughed at him. “Of course, you would.”

Jaehyun emitted a soft chuckle. You were definitely not someone he would casually walk around with. He didn’t think he was worthy of your time, anyway. But then again, you’re friends with every single of the members so you’re probably very nice. And right now, he proved that hypothesis correct. He silently thanked Doyoung for asking him to buy those set of plates for his mother’s birthday.

The next time you and Jaehyun hung out was during one of the company gatherings. According to Taeyong, “you spent so much time with Jaehyun that Doyoung and Johnny got jealous.” You never realized that yourself. One topic in a conversation led to another and before you know it, the gathering is about to end and you still haven’t spared any of the members a glance.

“Is your dad okay with you being so close with Jaehyun?” Doyoung asked.

“Why would he not be okay with that?” You answered his question with another question. “He seems to be okay with me being close friends with all of you.”

“Hmm, yeah,” Johnny trailed. “Sure, that’s the situation here.”

You only looked at him with confusion drawn all over your face.

“Do I sense some sarcasm on your tone?”

“What? Sarcasm? Fuck no!”

 II.

It was during their live online concert that Jaehyun realized. In front of them are hundred of pixelated screens, some more distorted than the others. And yet, he still saw you, he still recognized you with a blink of an eye. You’re in a small screen almost at the edge. The other members didn’t notice you, they probably didn’t even know you were attending. He saw you, amongst the landscape of faces, he saw you. That’s when he realized. Jaehyun swallowed a small smile, fearing that Yuta, who’s arm is draped over Jaehyun’s shoulder, would sense something.

This isn’t the first time he realized that he was in love you. It was probably when he kissed you for the first time and the next time, and the next time.

“You love kissing me, don’t you?” You whispered against his lips.

The two of you did not even make it to bed when you decided to lock your lips together for the nth time that night.

“I do.” He replied. “How about you?”

“I love everything that you do to me.”

The night grew feverish. The two of you still hasn’t talked about the current status of whatever relationship you both have. You act like lovers but never brought it upon yourselves to admit that you’re smitten. Maybe Jaehyun felt embarrassed that he was the first to fall in love you. He probably will never admit that soon. The fear of nothing having his feelings reciprocated was bubbling inside him. However, the answers are right in front of his eyes. You have an exam tomorrow but instead of buring your eyebrows to study, you’re here between his arms, making out with him.

He didn’t know if it was love. He doesn’t like anything else about you except for your smile, your eyes, your angelic laughter, and the way he feels whenever you’re around. He feels at peace, he feels as if his feet are in the clouds. They could disperse any moment, causing him plummet to the ground. But he has no intention of going elsewhere. If falling to rock bottom would be caused by you, he would be more than willing to experience that.

Oh yeah, I’m in love. The only thought that lingered on his mind until he saw you in person again.

“Nice job tonight, Jae.” Your honey voice immersed from the speakers of Jaehyun’s phone.

“You actually watched.”

“Of course, I would. How could I miss that?” You chuckled, awakening the annoying butterflies inside Jaehyun’s veins.

A muffled clinking of glass could be heard through Jaehyun’s end. “Are you guys drinking?”

“Perhaps?” Jaehyun smiled through his response. Johnny and Taeyong’s loud bickering confirmed your suspicion.

“Celebrating the concert?”

“We’re not drinking.”

“Okay, I believe you.” It was your turn to smile at his silliness.

There was a brief moment of silence between you two. You could hear the faint breathing of Jaehyun and for a minute, you might have believed he fell asleep on you. A soft giggle proved you wrong. Just the mere fact of having you on the other side of the line was enough to make Jaehyun turn soft.

There was a loud argument inside his head. His job is unforgiving especially in terms of forming a romantic relationship with someone. If making friendships with others idols would be a walk on broken glass, what more could a romantic relationship be? The fact that you’re also the daughter of his boss didn’t help with his dilemma at all. It could either break his career or your relationship with your father. Jaehyun isn’t afraid of taking risk, yet somehow, he was scared of making another step towards you. When he realized that he was helplessly in love with you, he became scared of ever seeing you again. But despite it all, he still managed to say the worst thing he could have told you that night: “I’m in love with you.”

 III.

You had every chance to realize. Each time he would stretch his schedule to make a spot for you, even every time he would spam your messages just to ask if you’ve made it home safely. You were not new to dating bans being imposed of idols. Although your father never directly imposed such thing to his recent employees, you knew full well not to meddle with the busy and demanding life of an idol. So, Jaehyun was a problem.

Another one of your problems was when Jaehyun kissed you for the first time the other night. You didn’t know what lead him to do such thing and to be frank, Jaehyun didn’t know what came to him either.

Normally, the secluded and narrow walkway you and Jaehyun are currently walking on would send chills through your spine. The comforting feeling of having someone beside you, and thankfully it’s Jung Jaehyun, made you feel safe despite the thrilling nature of the walkway. The tiring activities of moving in your stuff to your new apartment lingered through your bones.

“Do you always come walk here after school?” He asked, his breath forming smoke in the cold air.

“I do,” You answered. Jaehyun spun his head towards with a face full of worry. “I never leave school very late anyway. In daylight, this place is filled with people so it’s not that scary.”

Your information made Jaehyun release a sigh of relief. Good to know that he won’t need to worry as much about you walking this scary place at this time of the night.

“Thanks for helping me move my stuff to my apartment.” You spoke.

“It’s my pleasure to help you in all kinds of things.”

Heat formed in your cheeks. If you’re not wearing a thick scarf around your neck, you’re sure Jaehyun would notice the small smile you have.

“Hey,” His gloved hand touched your forearm briefly to call your attention. “It still wonders me how we never hung out before.”

“We just never had the chance I guess?” You shrugged.

Before you was a beautiful piece of art. You wondered how someone so charming and handsome could even exist. Not a single flaw was present in Jaehyun’s appearance, meanwhile you could list ten things you wish you could change about the way you look in an instant. You didn’t feel worthy of his attention. You spent a good 30 seconds just staring at him and he did the same.

“Can I do something?” Jaehyun asked, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“Sure.”

Jaehyun leaned down to meet your face. Placing a hand behind your neck, his lips joined yours. Oh my god, Jung Jaehyun is kissing me!

It took a second or two for you to reciprocate the kiss. His lips felt cold but what made you shiver was the booming feeling in your chest. The kiss wasn’t lustful, it was a steady and endearing kiss. He pulled away after a moment. In his face was the cute smile and a set of dimples.

“I want to hang out with you for the rest of my life.” He said.

“I want to hang out with you too, for as long as you want me to be.”

It also didn’t help that you’ve only came to terms with your feelings just recently. Behind your laptop was a pile of readings waiting to be read. University was your top priority yet, here you are. Looking immensely through your laptop screen with the whole universe in your eyes. That was when you realized. You were willing to put Jaehyun above anything else in your life.

You and Jaehyun was undeniably spending a lot of time with each other. It surprised you that no fans or news outlet has caught you and Jaehyun strolling around the city. You enjoyed being outside, you loved the city and everything that came with it. Jaehyun knew full well not to spend so much time outside with his manager. But, he could never say no to your requests. He don’t why either. Whenever he risked getting caught just to spend time with you, the universe has given multiple chances to realize how you felt about him. Unfortunately, oblivion has spread all over your system like a poison. It was only until tonight that you finally got the taste of the antidote.

You knew the consequences, you knew the implications. He was drunk and you knew full well that there’s a chance he might not meant what he said.

“I’m in love with you as well, Jae.”

 IV.

The gloomy atmosphere of the skies mimicked how you felt that day. Your eyes lingered on your phone screen, it has been that way for about 30 minutes now.

Dad: No one can know about you and Jaehyun. Not even the members.

You were doubting the relationship yourself. Was this a good decision? Jaehyun never made your relationship feel like a mistake. Yet, here you are, thinking that what if being with Jaehyun was nothing but a mistake. You never meant for your parents to find out. However, it would dumb of you to think that you could keep this from them forever, or at least until Jaehyun retires.

“I expected you to know how complicated dating is in the industry.” Your father’s voice wasn’t loud but it was chilling and stern.

“Of course, I know that-” You started.

“Then, why did I wake up this morning bombarded with the news that you and Jaehyun are dating?”

You couldn’t answer him. You knew from the start the complications of your relationship with Jaehyun. There was fear and anxiety bubbling in your heart; and beneath it all, there was a small tinge of regret. That growing seed of regret was something you decided to shrug off. You would never admit to anyone that you felt that way.

“Jaehyun is one of my most popular idol.” Your father spoke again. “If the fans repulse him, my stocks could be damaged.”

You kept your head low. “I understand.”

“I’m not asking you to break up with him.” He announced, causing to look up at him. “But if I receive a news article about the two of you, you know what to expect.”

The leaves grew heavy as the raindrops drenched them. Suddenly, a warm pair of arms snuggled you close to their person.

“I don’t want to leave you while you’re this upset.” Jaehyun whispered.

“Don’t worry about me, babe.” You said. “I’ll be fine soon.”

You heard him drop a heavy sigh. Jaehyun was struggling as well. The last thing you want to do was to bring more stress on him.

“I want to go to Paris too.” You suddenly spoke.

“It baffles me how someone from a rich family as you has never been to Paris.” He said, rubbing comforting circles on your exposed arms.

“My family doesn’t like going out of the country.”

“I wish I could take you to Paris with me.”

“No.” You sat up a little. “This is your time to have fun with your fans and the guys. I know my parents has been really stressful for the both of us.”

“I don’t care about the world as long as you’re with me, Y/N.”

You stared at him for a moment. Before you know it, your lips were entangled with his. The sweet taste of Jaehyun and the bitter reality of your family made you press into him a little harder. Jaehyun wrapped his arms tightly around you as he savored every flavor of you that he could taste right now.

Under his heavy breathing, he spoke, “Promise me something?”

“What?”

“Be with me always, Y/N.” He said, with every bit of love and pleading that he could ever give. Tears were starting to burn in your eyes. You weren’t planning to spend this day with him crying.

“I promise, Jaehyun.” You responded, offering every ounce of sincerity you have in you. “Can you promise me that as well?”

“I could only show you once we get there, Y/N.” He replied. “Even if we won’t be together tomorrow, go to Paris ten years from now and see for yourself if I uphold my side of the promise.”

 V.

Many people have told you that love isn’t always pink skies and candy hearts. But, it sure as hell not sitting behind a computer screen, watching your boyfriend flirt with other idols. You sighed and close your eyes.

It’s okay, Y/N. He’s just putting up the facade that he’s single and ready to mingle. You’ve been dating him for almost two years now, get used to it.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe he’s just dating you to secure a place in the group?” Areum said. Areum is one of your closest college friends, the only person you shared your secret with. She was trustworthy, you’re willing to testify with that. However, came with her loyal and reliable aspect was the fact that she’s so fucking straightforward. She just have the ability to sense bullshit from anyone and she’s not afraid on waking people up.

You scoff. Half you wants her to be wrong and the other believed her.

“No, he’s not.” You said. “Why would you even think that?”

“I just got the vibe.” She shrugged her shoulders. “You don’t have to fully believe what I say, Y/N.”

“Damn, if you don’t like him for me, you could have just told me directly.”

“It’s not that I don’t like him for you, Y/N.” Areum’s tone was more serious now. “I care for you. I know that people can manipulate you in every way that they can to get on your good side.”

“Stop accusing Jaehyun of such things.”

It was safe to say that you’ve gone cold to Areum after that conversation. You hated that she might be right but you’re too full of pride to even admit that. But you know Jaehyun better than Areum knows him.

You tried. You tried to forget what Areum said. But the thought still lingers inside your head and now everything that Jaehyun did made you wonder if he’s doing it to stay secured in the company. You don’t have the power that your father has but he’s dating his boss’ daughter and you have a great influence on your dad’s decisions.

“You should have called me to let me know you were working late.” You said, frustration clear in your voice. It’s already an hour before midnight and you have not heard from Jaehyun until the moment he knocked on your apartment door. Ever since you moved in two years ago, Jaehyun has been spending a lot of nights there; he unofficialy lives there. His managers would have been pissed off by now but then, again, you are their boss’ daughter.

“The comeback is almost near.” He said, replicating your frustration. “You should have known that work will be tight now.”

“You could have sent me a simple text so I don’t have to worry where you are.”

“You don’t have to worry where I am, Y/N.” His tone was grim. “Do you really expect me to send you a text while I’m busy? I could have finish so much during the time I’m texting you.”

You took a sharp and deep breath. The anger and hurt were like tornados revolving deep inside you. It was normal for couples to fight but the frustration seems to build up one fight after another. Some days, you just wanted to fight with him. You don’t know what’s the reason or excuse for your sudden urge to form an argument with Jaehyun.

“I asked you to start the kettle for me.” He said. Now, his eyebrows were furrowed in clear frustration and his lips rid of their usual sweetness. His hand holding up the cold kettle.

“I’m sorry, I must have forgotten.” You said, your voice was low but it didn’t sound weak.

“I asked you to do one little thing for me, Y/N.” The loud bang of the kettle hitting the stove made you jump. Your heart raced at the sudden noise but it didn’t diminish your anger.

“And I asked you to do one little thing for me as well.” You fight back.

“Asking me to update you all the time is not a little thing.”

“All I’m asking is for you to take maybe a minute to text me where you are!” You roared. “I’ve been worried sick about where you are!”

“You know I’m just in the building, right?” He retorted. “Why? Do you expect me to be elsewhere?”

“Are you implying that I think you’re cheating?” You said, with a small laugh.

“Why else would you be so worried about where I am when you fully know I’m working?” He kept answering you with a question and it was getting tiring.

“I never said anything about you being unfaithful.” You stated. “Why are you getting so defensive all of a sudden? Is there a reason for me to be thinking that?”

“You’re unbelievable, Y/N. Out of all the things I’ve risked for you.” Jaehyun shook his head. “You’re unbelievable and ungrateful.”

The words stung. It was like Cupid shot a salty arrow towards the wound in your chest. He think you’re ungrateful. For a moment, you blamed yourself. Maybe, I am ungrateful and unreasonable. And before you could think about what to say, you said the words you were going to regret for the rest of your life.

“You know, I think you’re only dating me to keep a place in the company.”

You had to reason to say that. It was a sudden burst of the moment and you immediately regret it. Jaehyun gave you no reason to even think that. Your insecurity and fear got in you and you were on the brink of ruining everything. How did it come to this? You were about to retract your statement when Jaehyun turned his back against you for the first time in his life.

 VI.

A penthouse was definitely too much for you. You never called it a penthouse though, you’ve always called it your apartment. It was great, finally moving out of your parents’ house even if it’s literally just ten minutes away. Everywhere you look, it reminds you of Jaehyun. He helped you move in everything and helped you settle in. The first few nights when you couldn’t sleep because everything was new and overwhelming, he was there to sing you your favorite The Smiths song. He didn’t know the lyrics at first so he just hummed the tune. He was sure he was doing it out of tune but he tried for you. The penthouse was big yet it was suffocating; but Jaehyun was there. It felt safe, it felt like home. You could sleep on the streets and you would still feel at peace as long as he’s there beside you.

Jaehyun couldn’t sleep either. You hurt him but he wasn’t going to deny that he hurt you too. And that’s the last thing he wants to do to you. Why did he turn his back when he knows that you’re just tired and worried? But why did you doubt him when you know he’s only doing his job as an idol? Jaehyun’s eyes immediately landed on the peach plush toy that you gave him for no reason, and then to the Franklin Wilson vinyl record that you spent so much money on. Most of the gifts you gave him, you gave him for no reason - not on an anniversary or on his birthday. You would just randomly give him something sometimes. Above all, you gave him immense love. You could date anyone you want, someone who is of great power and wealth. Yet, you decided to love him. When he’s with you, he’s devoid of all the consequences of the world. He forgot what aching felt like to the point that he forgot that the word exists. 

But right now, it all aches.

“I said I’m sorry, Jaehyun.” Your voice was paired with the painful tears that streamed your voice.

“Come on, Y/N, stop crying.” He pleaded, his own tears falling from his eyes. You crying pained Jaehyun so much, the fact that he was the reason behind it didn’t help either. All he wanted to do right now was to hug you, console you that he’s sorry and he didn’t meant it when he said he wanted to break up.

“I want someone who would never doubt my intentions of loving them.” He said through his tears. “I thought you were that someone.”

“Is there anything I could do to change your mind?”

Jaehyun shook his head, each turn tearing your heart apart. You blamed no one but yourself. If only you didn’t say those words. You wanted to beg but your sobs were choking your words, as if it knows better than to say something in fear that you’ll fuck everything up again.

Jaehyun didn’t care about what vengeance you would do. He knows you so well and he knew you wouldn’t do that to him. But, in a way, he wanted you to do to that to him. He wanted you to tell your father to fire him, kick him out of the company. He wanted that so that he can know you can feel better after having your heart broken by him. He wanted that so that he can be assured that you can finally be at peace. Yet, he knew you very well. What bothered him the most was what you’ll do to yourself. Will you drown yourself in tears and neglect your health & well-being? Will you start flunking in university? It worried him and he hated the fact that he needed to end the greatest thing in his life to avoid hurting you in the future.

Areum was quick on her feet to rush to your apartment after hearing the news.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” She quickly said.

You only hugged her. Letting your tears and sobs fall all over again.

“I’m sorry I even said those things about him.” She said. A part of you wanted to blame her but you saw the bigger picture. You chose to let those words stick to you and ended up hurting Jaehyun. And Jaehyun has better things to do than to be kept down by a relationship. You knew he was begging to be freed without him realizing that.

 VII.

The first time you saw Jaehyun was five months after your break up. Their recent comeback was a success and due to that, the company held a mini party to celebrate the boys’ hardwork. You shouldn’t have come but the pleading eyes of Doyoung and Johnny gave you no choice. They promised to keep you away from Jaehyun throughout the whole night. You doubted the plan first hand since you know Johnny and Jaehyun are drinking buddies. When there is alchohol, you best believe the two would be inseperable through the night.

Due to Mark Lee’s request, a karaoke console was present in the party. Taeil and Haechan were quick to have a duet before anyone else. They wanted to “bless the night with their voice.” You chuckled at their crazy antics. You definitely missed everyone. Ever since the break up, you focused more on your studies and in a few weeks, you’re off to graduate. The boys never failed to communicate with you through messages and video calls, but you never saw them as often as you used to do.

“Okay, everyone!” Mark screamed through the mic of the karaoke machine. “It’s my time to shine!”

You settled in a spot beside Jungwoo who offered you another cup of beer. The soft, mellow tune of the song began along with the title on the screen: “Leaves” by Ben & Ben. You heard Mark play this song in one of the lives he bugged you to watch in support. You never heard the first song and you didn’t really hear the song clearly in his live. But judging by the instrumentals, you conluded that it might be sad.

“And in the end, can you tell me if it was worth the try so I can decide,” Mark sang. His voice was heavenly but his tipsy nature made it funny.

You knew you weren’t supposed to be in this party. You already regret so many things in your life and now you’re adding this party to that list.

“Oh, you never really love someone until, you learn to forgive.”

Has Jaehyun forgiven you? The question suddenly came up as Mark sang that line. You felt like you don’t have the right to say that you’ve forgiven him. What did he do to you that would require forgiveness? Nothing. He needed to break away and that’s not a sin to anyone. You wondered if he has forgiven you - for doubting him and for making him feel like his love wasn’t enough. You wanted to punch yourself as you swallow the beer in hopes that it will kill the heartache.

Has she forgiven me? That question floats in Jaehyun’s mind even before the party. A love like yours was not something that is easy to forget. Jaehyun doesn’t think he could ever forget you or what your love felt like. It made his heels touch the sky and his fingertips reach the stars. He doesn’t know if you have forgiven him, for breaking your heart and for not giving it another try. Perhaps, he will never know the answer until the day he die.

The song has reached it’s climax. A series of “All will be alright in time” sung by Mark filled the ears of the listeners as the crowd grew silent, savoring the song. A voice inside of you asked you look at Jaehyun for the first time tonight. It’s been five months and being without him is enough punishment for you. You were going to give yourself the pleasure of looking at his face once again. He was five people away but, thankfully, you can still see him clearly. His head swayed lightly to the song before turning his head towards yours - not because your gaze burns but because he wanted to see your face again.

“Oh, you never really love someone until, you learn to forgive.”

The ending instrumentals played right after. As if living through the song, you offered him a small smile. Without thinking twice, he did the same.

That’s the answer to both of your questions.

The balcony of their dorms gave you a full view of the sleeping city. The faint sound of “Psycho” by Red Velvet crept it’s way from the dorm to the balcony. The sound became clear for a moment, an indication that someone opened the balcony door and closed it.

Jaehyun stood beside you, savoring the cold, night wind. You were both quiet.

“Can I hold you?” He suddenly asked.

You turned to him with confusion. You didn’t know why he would ask you that all of a sudden.

“Please?” He begged. “Before we admit that it’s done?”

Before you know it, your arms are wrapped around his torso for the last time.

 VIII.

The busy streets of the city became a lullaby to you. After graduating from college, you interned in one of the top architectural firms in the country. You gained your architecture license after two years but you never left the firm. Unlike your father, you’re not really the leader or boss type. You enjoyed working for and with others. The company felt like a small family. It was very exclusive so they don’t really have a lot of core members; to be amongst them was a privilege in itself. The senior architect, Nayeon, was busy today so she sent you to present the design you both proposed for one of your clients. You never met the client personally or even knew their names as this was your first initial meeting.

The sweet smell of croissants filled your nostrils as you entered the meeting place. The client requested to hold the meeting in a luxurious cafe just a few minutes away from your office. This client must be really rich to waste time on a meeting in a cafe like this. The wide array of the pastries brought back your childhood memories as your mother would bring you home croissants from this place before.

Along with your childhood memories, a familiar yet dear face looked up from their seat. It was no one else but Jung Jaehyun, still beautiful even after all these years.

Oh, isn’t life just really tender on me?

“Hey,” You greeted.

“Hey,” he replied.

There was awkwardness, of course. But you needed to be professional, after all it’s been eight years.

“Im Nayeon couldn’t make it today so I’m here on her behalf.” You stated. “Hope that’s okay for you?”

“Of course,” Jaehyun replied. Standing up to offer you a seat. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

You cleared your throat. You wanted to get out of there quickly so you immediately brought out the papers.

“Do you want something to drink?” He asked.

“No, thank you.” You declined with a smile.

Jaehyun felt foreign. It seems like he doesn’t know who you are anymore. Well, after all, it has been eight years. You’ve grown into someone he’s unfamiliar with.

As you present your plans, Jaehyun couldn’t help but drift in his own thoughts. He wondered about what might have been. If things didn’t end up the way that they did, where would the both of you be right now? He wanted to marry you. He would look at you every night and think to himself that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Feelings change and so does what people think about others but he still wondered what would have been if he didn’t give up so easily.

But maybe, if the both of you held on that night, it could lead to even more damaging things. Jaehyun assured himself that he made the right decision instead of waiting for things to get worse. At least, right now, he has the ability to see you without resentment from either sides. That’s good enough for him.

“Thank you, my wife will definitely love that.” He commented.

Your heart sank at his statement. Of course, he’s married now. A beautiful creature like him would have no problems finding a partner. You didn’t know you hold hope in your heart right before it crashed down because of the sudden news. You were foolish in thinking that there could still be a chance.

“Your design is amazing, Y/N.” He said.

“Thank you,” You replied. “I’m glad that you like it.”

“I expected nothing but excellence from you. Of course, I would love it.”

You smiled at his words. Jaehyun never failed to make you feel appreciated. You’re bittersweet at the fact that another woman would feel appreciated everything, and that woman is not you. You remembered the late nights where you conclude that you would have this man for the rest of your life. All of that are a distant memory now, along with his touch and kisses.

The both of you are two different people now but you know, and Jaehyun knew, the love is still there. Maybe the romance already left, but the love and genuine care was still evergreen. And you both know that it will never die for as long as the two of you live.

 IX.

There are a lot of things that you regret in your life. Most of the time, you don’t want to change the past. Even if a lot of things made you want to crash and burn, it still formed you into someone you never knew you could become. This was your first time in Paris, France. The wealth and fame you accumulated over the past years of your life as an architect gave you all the opportunities to get to this very place. However, you made no efforts in landing here. Not until it reached the ten year mark.

You still remembered the promise. But the other party is still not present and it’s almost nearing midnight. You didn’t want to regret every coming here so you decided to relax and make this all about you.

“You remembered.” A voice spoke behind you. The chattering of people that laid in picnics under the Eiffel Tower were still loud despite the time.

Jaehyun is here. He remembered.

“You remembered.” You said back. Your eyes still covered with bewilder, almost not believing that Jaehyun is in front of you, keeping his side of the promise.

“How could I forget?” Jaehyun said, almost in a whisper. “How could I forget you?”

You did nothing but smile at him, with all the love remaining in your heart - all the love that will never go away no matter how much you try.

“Do you ever wondered what could have been if things didn’t go the way that they did?” You asked, looking up at the tall, iron tower.

“All the time.” He replied.

“How’s Chaeyoung and the kids?”

“They’re very well.” He replied with a nod. “How about Eunwoo?”

“He’s doing fine too. He’s currently in Germany with his family.” You answered.

“Ah, I’m glad my wish came true.” He said.

“Wish?”

“Yeah,” He turned his head in your direction. “My wish that you find someone who will love you better than I did.”

“You wished that?” You asked in disbelief.

“I actually didn’t wish it,” He said. “I knew that the universe made someone out there to love someone as beautiful as you.”

“Oh, stop it.” You blushed. You felt guilty that another man, specifically your ex, was making you blush.

“So, this is my proof when I promised you that I will always be here.” Jaehyun whispered.

“And me being here is my proof that I meant when I said that I want to hang out with you for as long as you want me to be.” You replied.

The night was young and alive, so is the love you have for each other. A love that, unfortunately, neither of you could ever express ever again.

[paristheveryconfused]

So... the new Cinderella movie eh?

This movies premise sort irks me. I mean Cinderella was always like a cute cottagecore witch who wanted independence from her abusive family. And the prince wanted to marry for love instead of power, a novel concept for the time that probably did not go down well with the aristocracy. In this way Prince Charming and Cinderella are made for eachother, people who desperately seek independence from their original mold.

THIS MOVIE BROKE CINDERELLA

THE BAD

I do not like the mice. They should have been voiced by children like they were originally. It was cute and made Cinderella softer. In this "movie" they're voiced by OLD BRITISH MEN. Disgusting

The warbly autotune

The ham fisted message about the patriarchy. While it is an important topic that should be talked about in media more often. THIS WAS NOT THE MOVIE I REPEAT NOT THE MOVIE. Oh my God it was so horrifying.

The stepmother

What a man

I dont like their dance. The dance that cements their love is awkward because they're singing and dancing they should just dance to the music to focused on each other to speak let alone sing

The head wobble needs to stop omg stop pls stop end my suffering you vicious beast

James cordon mouse 😱🤢🤮🤮🤮

"My stepmother had a troubled past so its actually cool she abused me all my life" 🤔

The execution of ideas

Everyone is #girlboss

Why does he look like that when he's riding that horse he looks a fool

THE GOOD

Billy Porter

The stepsisters

Gwen

Cinderella and the prince are gay change my mind ( Cinderella: pan, prince Robert: bi)

Wilbur

The queen

The king is definitely a better villian here

"I never felt what I felt last night before" that feeling was friendship but she didn't know it

Bury it/Marry it/Carry it

"You ever wonder why Robert makes the process to marry so difficult" 🏳️‍🌈🤪👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👬👨‍❤️‍👨

Knocking on doors; classic Romcom move

They're cute when they're excited

I like how Gwen is always hiding behind q painting and wants to be king instead of queen

This was such confusing bullshit that made me sad

(With all media I find detestable however I will be rewriting this to be gay™️

[kissinvampires]

Ep 7!

"She does that to things" aww he sounded so sad.

"Sometimes we assume the worst because we fear to hope" girl...yes. bless this woman.

Who the hell burnt these poor people?

OH DO NOT GO TO CINTRA!!! DO NOT!!!

Listen you witchy bitch SHUT UUUUPPPPPPPP

Oh girl.... fuck that general up.

Why is this man walkin around in a silk bathrobe? Just waltzin around in his silks lookin fancy. Like okay girl do you

Okay.... i.... guess i appreciate the attempt.... at having Jaskier be mad and standing his ground.... but it wasnt enough. Like i get that they're like best friends but.... naw. That was very unsatisfying. I am not pleased

Him not caring that the guard is getting the shit kicked out of him is hilarious though!!! And his little mice friends!!!! GORDON!!!!

Yen's like ..... fuck. Yeah i love him too. Shit.

Oh... ladies please dont fight....

Ewww that was... way more slimey than i was expecting oh...she's screaming

The bard is ripped. And i am unstable

"And hair. She's got a lotta hair that woman" He's so stupid.

"Well she sounds like a hoot. WHO is the deathless mother geralt??"

"Someone really didnt like my shirt" He's just not phased at all about almost being hit with an axe.

He's doesn't remember them oh my god

Oohh are they coming too??? Yay i love them!!!!

Oh fuck... did she just fuckin teleport them??? And the horses????

This dude with Tissaia is a jerkoff. I dont trust him. Maybe you aren't worthy of it bitch shut up

Please help her..... not like that.... why are these men a bunch of cunts?????

Wait this.... is supposed to be a paralitic....it looks more like a time stop spell than a paralyzing agent. And oh fuck okau she's just murderin everybody okay. ..... i dont want her to kill Cahir. The cat faced man.... he's grown on me.... oh good she let him live

Is this.... is the witch trhing to get free from using all their "wishes"? Is that why her hand just burned? I am confusion.

"Jabbing stick"???? Jaskier what the fuck. I love this idiot.

Hey hi.... im glad he said sorry but i want more? Like.... i know im being greedy probably but like.... jaskier deserves better. Just cuz he's the type of person to joke and brush shit off doesnt mean he doesn't deserve a serious apology.

Jesus she's strong. Her anger is insanely powerful holy shit

"The girl. Yours?" "Mine." ...good lord.

Ohmy god she killled the baby what the fuck

Oh for fucks same GET OUTTA THAT GIRL YOU WRINKLY OLD HAG!!!

[haosmull8]

Books and Coffee

- I dunno fluff I guess ,

- idol!Namjoon and baraista!reader

-I hope you like it. Feel free to send something if you do like my writing haha (please do) I don’t know why the weird spacing is happening again but oh well.

-Although you two were strange friends with total difrent jobs. Late night trips to your coffee shop with a book of the month and the same order. For once it’s nice to be a person and not a idol.

Enjoy~

“Is it weird?” You asked him while setting down the coffee cup and muffin for him. “ that everyone knows you yet you don’t know them. Mean your stage persona that is!” You looked over at him and set a fork down by the plate. “ yeah, but that’s the price of being a idol. I may not know them. They know me. But I do know that what little i do helps them. Therefor I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” He took off the black face mask and smiled a small smile. He looked sleepy after all it was well past 11 but he was still hanging in there “ I thought I told you to make your own drink and snack then to sit over her with me.” He laughed as he pulled out two books from his bag.

Namjoon although a idol and you the local barista made a odd friendship. But he seemed to like it. He made it a ritual to come to the coffee shop every night when the city tends to calm down. He claims it’s cause the coffee is good but won’t tell you it’s cause he likes the conversation you two have. He found out you liked classic books like Great Gatsby , Mice of Men etc. but doesn’t understand why you hate Shakespeare.

“If that’s Hamlet I will wack you with a Croissant!” You yelled as the expresso machine started all you could hear was a laugh but a good one then a “oops sorry. Guess you’ll have to live ” after that. That’s when you grabbed a croissant and walked over ready to wack him by he was already standing up and grabbed it and took a big bite of it “ these are better warm..” he said with a mouth full of food as crumbs fell down onto his shirt. ” first off I’m completely tempted that Shakespeare was a killer and each story was his own doing. And that they don’t make sense. Romeo was 21 and Juliet was 14! For Pete’s sake he could be a child molester! “ you took a a night of the half eaten croissant it caring he took a bite...he was right they are better warm. He let out another laugh and sipped his coffee. “ that makes Quentin Tarantino a serial killer too then.” As he opened sat down and reached for the books. “ Dont you ever diss my man Tarantino.” You said walking back to him with a pice if cheese cake and a espresso , probably your 5th one tonight.

He mentally took notes you seem to like Tarantino movies. After all he is a legend in film making.

He opened your book to the same page as his and looked at you and pointed to the sentence” read it to me.” He smiled

“ I killed my father cause I was a batshit crazy man who wanted power!” You said through a mouth full of cheesecake.

That got a sigh then a laugh.

“ tell me. What is it like being a idol?” You asked closing the book that you obviously weren’t gonna read. “ tiresome but worth it. You train a whole lot. Debut if you can. Produce records then sell them. Pray you make enough to go on tour. Then while in tour produce and try to sight see while you can.” He shrugged and drank his coffee. “ let me guess you don’t sight see as much? You keep working, I do say. mono is a masterpiece. Everything goes has such a special place for me. Thank you.” You sipped your espresso and leaned back in your chair. His face turned red as he said a shy thank you and continued to talk about how it came to be and what it was like releasing it. Then he realized what time it was and that he needed to get back. “ I’m sorry to keep talking so much. I guess I got lost in it. “ he shiny rubbed his neck then started picking his things up except the book that was now yours. You had picked up the dishes on the table. “ I rather you talk about the things you love the most and your feelings about them then you not say anything at all. Don’t be sorry!” You walked past him and put the dishes in the sink to clean. Breaking the rules he walked behind you to grab a extra cloth and cleaning supplies. You guys were closed anyways so what mattered? He started cleaning the table. When you guys were done you loved up and he waited outside with his bad over his shoulder and mask back on. “ I’ll see you tomorrow!” You could tell He was smiling with the way his eyes made half moons. “ I’m off!” You laughed. He opened his arms and gave you a hug. Although you’re friends hugs are very nice still. He waved and ran off to go back to his place. You waved back and went your own way home. You noticed something was in the book he had given you so you opened it. A napkin as a book mark but on the page by the number was marked as a time and by it was a address to a bookstore. “ go here at this time. Ask no questions. Wear something comfy!”

[get-lost-in-fanfiction]

LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 4.7k

A/N: Here’s Confidence Man! Sawyer is all wishy washy with Amelia in this episode, but it turns out for good in the end :) Enjoy!

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Confidence Man

I’m sitting on the beach as always. My stay at the cave was less than comfortable and I don’t understand how any of those chumps think it’s a good place to “dig in.” Sawyer wasn’t around when I got back, so I changed my clothes and sat down in my usual thinking spot. I turn my head and catch a glimpse of Kate hauling bananas up the beach. Then it hits me, Confidence Man. Oh shit. I scramble to my feet and intercept Kate before she gets too far.

“Hey Kate!” I greet as I approach her, “Need help with those?”

Kate looks relieved as she begins to gather them up and hand them to me, score, “Oh would you Amelia? My back’s killing me.”

“Yeah no problem!” I answer, taking the bananas and slinging them over my shoulders, “Where do you want them?”

Kate points down the beach, past where there’s a small pile of clothes and a book, “Just down there is fine.”

“Okay! Cool, see you later Kate,” I say and Kate walks away from me. I start to make my way towards where I know Sawyer’s clothes to be.

I make it and smile when I find Sawyer's clothes and a paperback edition of Watership Down.

“Hell of a book,” I hear Sawyer call from the ocean, “It's about bunnies.” I sigh in relief, the interaction is the same.

I look Sawyer up and down as he comes out of the water naked, and I feel a blush creep over my face. “Must be cold without your trunks,” I say, making no effort to keep the amusement out of my voice.

“You bet. How about you come a little closer and warm me up?” Sawyer replies with a cheeky grin, and I half want to do what he says.

Instead I feel myself shaking my head with a smile, “You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Sawyer.” And with that I walk away to where Kate said the bananas were supposed to go.

I wait until Sawyer trails off into the jungle before I go hunting for a book. I need something to do other than sit on the beach all day getting a sunburn. Except, I don’t find myself getting burnt, or even remotely tan for that matter. Probably more Island magic, or maybe it’s TV magic doing the work in this weird reality I find myself in. I strike gold, Of Mice and Men, works for me. I read it in high school once, so I think it’s about time I read it again.

I sneak out of Sawyer’s tent and into my own, tossing the book aside to open the flaps of my tent. Once they’re secured I settle down on one of my airline seats and open the book to chapter one. Not a few minutes into the book I hear a rustling sound outside of my tent. I sigh and put my book aside before popping my head out of the tent. Oh, it’s Boone.

“Boone?” I call and he shoots his head up, hands full of Sawyer’s stuff.

“Uh Amelia- It’s not what it looks like,” Boone says, panic clear in his voice. Then Sawyer shows up.

“What are you doing in my stuff, son?” Sawyer interrogates.

“Uhhh,” Boone tries to answer, but Sawyer sucker punches him right in the nose. I yelp in surprise, they didn’t show this in the show.

I scramble to my feet to try and get Sawyer off Boone, but he pushes me away and I fall in the sand. This sets Boone off, and he tries to punch Sawyer back. I cry out again when Sawyer’s fists connects with Boone’s nose. He starts bleeding and rushes at Sawyer again, but Sawyer catches him and punches his face. Suddenly Shannon is there and Sawyer is off and away from Boone. Shannon scrutinizes me and drags Boone away, to the caves. I stand up in a hurry.

“What was that for!” I shout at Sawyer and he waves a hand at me dismissively.

“Sawyer..” I plead, brushing the sand off my pants. “Why did you have to hit him? And why didn’t you stop?”

“He was going through my stuff,” Sawyer gruffs, not looking at me as he puts his things back in order.

“You didn’t have to react like that,” I reply calmly.

“Betcha knew I would do that,” Sawyer grumbles.

“What?” I ask, but I know what he said.

“Nothing,” Sawyer replies, but he pauses as he looos through his stuff, “Did you take a book.”

Guilt floods my stomach as Sawyer turns to face me, “Yeah..” I mumble, “Of Mice and Men…” I look down, unable to meet Sawyer’s eyes. He’s already in a bad mood from Boone, and even if I know he won’t hurt me I’m still a bit afraid.

“Just give it back when you’re done,” He says and I snap my head up. Sawyer is already walking away and I just stare at him in disbelief. At least I know he has a soft spot for me.

A little while later, Sawyer comes back to our tents in a huff. I don’t remember why he’s so petulant in this episode. Probably because it’s his centric episode and the writers have to show what a “bad guy” Sawyer is. Lucky for me I know that he’s nothing but a big softy with a lot of grief at the end. Sawyer sits and starts to read his letter, and I can almost feel the air turn sour.  He then pulls out a cigarette and begins smoking it. I shake my head and suddenly Jack shows up and starts going through Sawyer's stuff. Sawyer folds his letter fast and I stand up.

“Where is it?” Jack demands.

“Hey, Doc. Long time no see,” Sawyer says casually and I walk over slowly.

“Jack?” I ask, sounding remarkably like Kate. But Jack ignores me.

“Where is it?” Jack spits.

“Where's what?” Sawyer shoots back, dropping his false nice tone.

“The girl's asthma medicine. Shannon -- her inhalers.”

“Oh, that.”

“You attacked a kid for trying to help his sick sister.”

“No, I whooped a thief cuz he was going through my stuff,” Sawyer huffs.

“Sawyer!” I call, feeling indignant. He ignores me too.

“Yours?” Jack says with a small laugh, “What makes it yours? What, you think you can just take something out of a suitcase and that makes it yours?”

“Which I had to move because everybody just wants to help themselves,” Sawyer interjects, “Look, I don't know what kind of commie share-fest you're running over in cave town, but down here possession's 9/10ths. And a man's got a right to protect his property.”

“Get up,” Jack threatens.

“Why, you want to see who's taller?” Sawyer jests.

“Get up.”

“You sure you want to make this your problem, Doc?”

“Oh yeah. I'm sure,” Jack says, his voice full of malice.

Sawyer finally gets up. Just as he does Kate enters the tent with a side glance at me. My arms are crossed over my chest and I huff in the direction of Jack and Sawyer. She seems to get the message, at least I hope she does.

“Hey, what's going on here?” Kate asks, but no one answers her. Jack just walks away, and Kate follows. With one last withering glance at Sawyer I turn on my heel and follow them.

“I'm going to kill him,” I can hear Jack say as I run up to the both of them.

“That's not going to help us get the medicine,” Kate reasons then turns to me, “Hey Amelia.”

I raise my hand in a small wave and then bend over with my hands on my knees to catch my breath.

“Maybe not, but it'll feel good,” Jack replies and then nods to me. I nod back.

“So what's stopping you?” Kate asks.

“We're not savages, Kate. Not yet,” Jack replies in a dark tone.

“Let me talk to Sawyer,” I cut in, stealing the line from Kate. Jack turns to me.

“What makes you think he's going to listen to you?” Jack asks, putting his hands on his hips like he always does.

“I think we have a connection,” I say, looking over at Kate. She doesn’t look at me, she’s staring down at the sand with a hard expression.

“Do you?”

“Please.”

Jack raises his hands in defeat, “If you can find him, be my guest.” I nod and he and Kate walk away. I do feel guilty every time I steal a line, but how else am I supposed to make myself relevant? I’m not supposed to be here, and I’m manipulating things to make sure I don’t sit around on the beach all day.

I walk away from where we were all standing, and amble my way towards where Sawyer is chopping wood near the end of the beach. I sigh to myself as I walk up behind him. I lean up against the tree he’s under and wait a beat. Sawyer chops a piece of wood and I clear my throat.

“What do you want?” I ask, and Sawyer turns his head to look at me.

A smile plays on his face as he answers, “Excuse me?”

“What do you want, Sawyer?” I repeat, and he just shakes his head and turns back to the wood.

“Blue eyes, I got so many answers to that question, I wouldn't even know where to start.”

“What do you want for the inhalers?” I sigh, because I know the answer. Sawyer seems to know this too.

“Ah, good question. Hang on a tick. What do I want? A kiss ought to do it.”

I feel myself stumble back, “W-What?” I choke out, I wasn’t expecting that answer. Sawyer turns around.

“A kiss, from you, right now?” He doesn’t seem serious, but the fluttering in my stomach makes me want to believe him. He’s just playing mind games with me.

“Why not from Kate? Don’t you like her better?” I ask as confidently as I can as I cross my arms over my chest.

“But you’re right here blue eyes, what’s a man to do?” Sawyer croons and I take a step back as he steps forward.

“I don't- I dont b-buy it,” I stumble as I speak.

“Buy what?” Sawyer asks.

“The act,” I say as I take a deep breath to steady myself, “You try too hard, Sawyer. I ask you to help a woman who can't breath and you want me to kiss you? Nobody's that disgusting. I know you, you know.”

“You don’t know jack, stop saying that,” Sawyer spits at me. What did I do to deserve this treatment?

“That piece of paper -- the one you keep in your pocket,” I begin, “I know the expression on your face when you read it and I know how carefully you fold it up. I know it means something to you. So you can play games all you want, but I know there's a human being in there somewhere. Give me the medication.”

“You think you understand me?” Sawyer asks menacingly.

“Yeah. I think I’ve got a pretty good idea,” I say confidently back.

“Shut up,” Sawyer says and I flinch at him, “You want to know what kind of human being I am?” He takes the letter out of his pocket and hands it to me, “Read it. Read it. Out loud.”

“James I already-” I try to say.

“No. Just read it,” He growls and I realize it was a bad idea to call him by his real name.

I take a deep breath and begin to read, out loud, “Dear Mr. Sawyer, you don't know who I am but I know who you are and I know what you done. You had sex with my mother and then you stole my dad's money all away. So he got angry and he killed my mother and then he killed himself, too.”

“Don't stop now. You're just getting to the good part,” Sawyer cuts in sarcasally.

“All I know is your name. But one of these days I'm going to find you and I'm going to give you this letter so you'll remember what you done to me. You killed my parents, Mr. Sawyer,” I finish reading and I look at my feet. Maybe I provoked him too much.

“Now about that kiss... I didn't think so,” Sawyer says and he walks past me away from the wood. I sink into the sand next to the tree as I swallow the burning feeling in my throat.

Trudging back to the beach I notice Sawyer gathering up some things. I know he’s going to the caves, and he’s going to get punched. I run up to him.

“Wait Sawyer-,” I call as I approach him, “I want to go with you.”

“You don’t know where I’m headed,” Sawyer says coolly and I shake my head.

“The caves? To get water?” I offer with a feigned air of confidence.

“Fine, get your pack and some water bottles and let’s go.”

“Great, thanks,” I reply, feeling annoyed.

We walk through the jungle together for a while before Sawyer even speaks up. I was beginning to wonder if he was going to freeze me out.

“Why do you keep coming around?” He asks, keeping his eyes straightforward on the path.

“Well um, I know that you’re making an enemy of people on this Island and I want to be a.. a fall back?” I offer weakly. While it’s not a lie it’s not the complete truth. I want him to trust me and not get upset with me.

Sawyer just lets out a huff as we make it up to the caves. We walk over to where the water is and Sawyer bends down to get some. I keep my eyes away from the people in the caves as Jack approaches.

“Give me the inhalers -- now,” Jack demands to Sawyer, not even looking at me.

“Hell, I wondered when you were going to stop asking nice,” Sawyer drawls as he makes to stand. Jack lunges in and punches him. I flinch and make a noise.

“Well, it's about time, cowboy. Been telling you since day one, we're in the wild. Didn't think you had it in you,” Sawyer taunts and Jack punches him again.

“Hey! Stop it you two!” I yell out, the others in the cave glands at me but the two men ignore me.

“That all you got?” Sawyer huffs, flicking his sweaty head out of his face. Jack stops and looks around, noticing that everyone is watching him. He shakes his head and walks away. Sawyer breathes heavily and stares daggers at the cave people.

“C’mon Sawyer,” I say quietly, filling up some bottles and leading Sawyer out of the caves to make our way back to the beach.

After Sawyer and I made it back from the caves. We both settle down next to one another on the airline seats outside of Sawyer’s tent. Sawyer decided to take a nap so I decide to continue to read Of Mice and Men. It’s weird, though, sitting silently next to Sawyer as he sleeps and I read. I think forward to the Dharmaville days ahead, and I hope we’ll be able to do it more. Then my stomach turns and I remember Juliet. I scratch the back of my head and tuck into my book.

A few minutes later I hear crunching in the sand. I look up from my book and see Sayid approaching with a large metal pipe. Sayid holds a finger up to his lips to signal silence and I scramble out of my seat towards him.

“Sayid you can be serious!” I loud-whisper to him, pressing a hand to his chest to stop him.

“He did this to himself,” Sayid replies, pushing right past me to poise the big metal pipe over Sawyer's head. Sawyer jerks awake and without a smile Sayid says, “Good morning,” and slams the pipe down onto Sawyer. I let out a yelp in protest.

Then Jack shows up and begins to gather Sawyer out of his seat. Then he and Sayid begin dragging Sawyer away. I run up beside them, and Kate soon joins us.

“What are you doing? Jack!” Kate yells.

“This was Sawyer's choice, not mine,” Jack says stoically.

“If you do this!” Kate begins, but her next statement is cut off. I feel something hit the back of my head and spots dance over my vision. I fall to the sand as black engulfs me.

I’m jerked awake by a wave of cold water being thrown onto me. I look wildly around and see Jack holding a bucket looking guilty. I look to my left and see Sawyer tied to a tree. Sayid splashes water on his face to bring him to.

“Well, ain't you the brave one, jumping a guy while he's napping,” Sawyer drawls and then looks between Sayid and Jack, “Uh-oh, I'm in trouble now, ain't I?”

“I guess we both are,” I mumble to myself and I notice Sawyer turn his head towards me.

“Sawyer, I'm giving you the chance to do the right thing. Now, all I want is the asthma medicine. Just tell me where the inhalers are and we'll stop,” Jack explains to Sawyer.

“Stop what, Chico?” Sawyer asks and I look over to see Sayid making bamboo spikes.

“It doesn't have to be this way,” Jack tries to say.

“Yeah, it does,” Sawyer replies.

“No! It doesn’t, Sawyer please,” I try to beg.

“Oh and you’ve got blue eyes here too?” Sawyer asks with a chuckle, “I must be in a load of trouble then.” Jack opens his mouth to speak, but Sayid cuts in with a speech.

“We do not have bamboo in Iraq, although we do have something similar -- reeds. But their effect is the same when the shoots are inserted underneath the fingernails,” Sayid explains in a menacing voice, and I can feel my heart rate increase rapidly. I hate this scene, I hate this scene.

“You know what I think, Ali. I think you've never actually tortured anybody in your life,” Sawyer taunts, and I wince for him.

“Unfortunately for us both, you're wrong,” Sayid replies as he slowly begins to move behind Sawyer. I shut my eyes as Sayid starts with the bamboo under the fingernails.

“That's it? That's all you got? Splinters? No wonder we kicked your ass in the Gulf…” Sawyer begins to say, until Sayid shoves the bamboo into Sawyer’s fingernails and he screams. I let out a cry in pain as well just hearing him.

“Sayid. Sayid!” Jack calls, and Sayid stops.

“No. Don't stop now. I think my sinuses are clearing?” Sawyer pants, egging him on.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jack asks Sawyer.

“Perhaps a more indirect method will loosen your tongue?” Sayid asks and I know what’s coming. I open my eyes and beg Sawyer with him to stop. Sawyer doesn’t say anything and I whimper.

Sayid shifts to get behind me and my tied hands. I struggle with my bonds and try to get my fingers away from Sayid's hands. I cry out when he grabs my wrists roughly and slides the bamboo into them. I scream high and clear as color burns in my vision at the pain. I try to jerk away, but Sayid just tightens his hold.

Okay, okay!” Sawyer calls and I feel Sayid retreat. I collapse into the tree and begin to sob.

“Where is it?” Sayid asks harshly.

“The only person I'll tell is her,” Sawyer replies.

“Amelia?” Jack asks but Sawyer shakes his head and realization washes over Jack, “Kate?”

“That's the deal,” Sawyer says finally. Jack and Sayid move away from the spot to go to get Kate. I turn as best I can to Sawyer.

“Why?!” I shout, trying to overcome my sobs. “Why did you let him do that to me James why why why!”

“Keep your voice down,” Sawyer growles through clenched teeth, “And I did it because I didn’t think Sayid would actually harm you. I was wrong.”

“Damn right you were wrong,” I choke out and lean my head against the trunk of the tree. Then Jack and Sayid return with Kate. Kate looks hard at Sawyer, but her expression softens when she sees me.

Kate shakes her head and turns back to Sawyer, “So I'm here. Where is it?”

“Happy to tell you, as soon as I get a kiss,” Sawyer replies cheekily. I knew it would come to this. He’s never going to kiss me.

“What? Are you serious?” Kate asks incredulously, not bothering to hide the tone.

“Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery. I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a gen-u-ine I-raqi,” Sawyer pauses and looks over to me, “Of course, I'm serious. You're just not seeing the big picture here, Freckles. You really going to let that girl suffocate because you can't bring yourself to give me one little kiss? Hell, it's only first base. Lucky for you I ain't greedy.”

“Okay,” Kate agrees.

“Okay,” Sawyer repeats. I close my eyes as Kate leans in and I know they kiss. I keep my mouth in a tight line to avoid from making any pathetic sounds.

“I don't have it,” Sawyer says, and then turns his head to me, “Blue eyes here probably knew that too.”

“What?” Kate blanches, looking between the both of us. I look away from her face feeling guilty. I tried to stop it.

“The medicine. I don't have it, never did,” Sawyer replies.

“The book -- they said you found it in their luggage.”

“The book washed up on shore, went in the drink with the rest of-“ Sawyer is cut off as Kate elbows him across the face. I make another sound of protest as she walks away toward Jack and Sayid.

I take my chance to slowly try and wiggle out of my bonds. I felt they tied it a little too loose, and I try to maneuver my fingers to get myself untied. I yank my hands away from the trunk and my wrists free themselves. I shake off the bonds and quickly scramble to my feet and make it to Sawyer.

“C’mon Sawyer let’s go-”

Suddenly Sayid is running towards us, and back to Sawyer. I turn my head as Sawyer is helping me loosen the bindings on his wrist. I intercept Sayid and try to fight him off away from Sawyer. Sayid makes a move to try to stab Sawyer in the arm. I intercept him once ahain, but at a cost. Sayid stabs me instead. I sob in pain and collapse into Sawyer’s lap. Sayid holds his arms out, like it was an accident. Jack rushes over to us as Sawyer tries to get me up. He supports me on his lap as Jack pulls the knife out, blood spurts out of my arm and I cry out again.

“You hit an artery,” Jack says and I wiggle around to, “Keep still damn it. Sayid, I need my stuff from the caves, my leather backpack. Go.”

Jack pinched my artery closed as best as he can as Sawyer’s hands steady themselves at my waist to keep me still. I drop my head back onto Sawyer’s shoulder and whimper quietly in pain.

“Can you make it stop?” Kate’s voice cuts through the panic that is filling up my head. Kate and Jack keep me still as Sawyer and help me switch places with him.

“Let go. I know you want to,” Sawyer taunts Jack and I try to give him a withering look.

“Shut up,” Jack says to Sawyer, “And stop moving”, he says to me.

“You've been waiting for this, haven't you? Now you get to be the hero again, because that's what you do -- fix everything up all nice,” Sawyer taunts again, and I really wish he’d shut up. This is my life on the line and not his, “Tell him to let go, Freckles. Blue eyes is just taking up the top spot as doctor anyways. Hey, Jack, there's something you should know -- if the tables were turned, and it wasn’t blue eyes, I'd watch you die.”

“Sawyer I really wish you’d shut up,” I say weakly, but everything looks blurry. The last thing I see is Sawyer’s concerned look before I pass out.

When I do finally wake up, Kate and Sawyer are there to see me. I scoot up a little more on Sawyer's makeshift seat-bed. Sawyer is the first to get up and come over, and Kate follows after him.

“You're lucky to be alive,” Kate says to me in amazement.

“Jack?” I ask.

“Went to the caves to check on Shannon,” She tells me and then turns on Sawyer. She holds up Sawyer's letter and he gives her a horrible look. Red hot guilt fills my stomach and throat, “I read it, and then again, because I've been trying to figure out why you beat up Boone instead of just telling him you didn't have his sister's medication. Why you pretended to have it anyway. The thing that I keep coming back around to is that you want to be hated. Then I looked at the envelope -- America's bicentennial, Knoxville, TN. You were just a kid, 8 maybe 9 years old.”

“Kate,” Sawyer says menacingly. Kate must’ve took it off me when they were taking me back to the beach. I look down at my wrapped arm and realize I’m only in my tank top.

“This letter wasn't written to you. You wrote this letter. Your name's not Sawyer, is it?” Kate asks and I try to sit up more. Shit shit shit shit shit shit.

“Kate wait-” I try to say, but Sawyer cuts me off.

“It was his name. He was a confidence man. Romanced my momma to get to the money, wiped them out clean, left a mess behind. So I wrote that letter. I wrote it knowing one day I'd find him. But that ain't the sad part,” Sawyer pauses and glances at me, “When I was 19, I needed 6 grand to pay these guys off I was in trouble with. So I found a pretty lady with a dumb husband who had some money. And I got them to give it to me. How's that for a tragedy? I became the man I was hunting. Became Sawyer. Don't you feel sorry for me,” Sawyer grabs the letter from her, “Get the hell out. Get out!”

Kate gets up and walk away without another glance at me. Sawyer watches her go with an awful expression on his face. I slowly lower myself onto the bed, now feeling light-headed from sitting up. I must’ve lost a lot of blood.

“Sawyer I didn’t know she would find it,” I say weakly, bracing myself for an explosion from Sawyer.

“Not your fault,” Sawyer replies simply, still looking away from me. I stare at him surprised.

“I took a knife for you,” I say and he finally turns around.

“What?”

“In the original series,” I explain, “You’re the one who gets stabbed. I don’t exist.”

“Lucky you,” He replies simply and settles back into the chair next to the bed. I turn on my back and stare up at the ceiling of the tent.

The sun begins to set and I look out across the beach to see Sayid and Kate talk. I remember that Sayid is leaving, and I smile a bit to myself. It’s odd how even though I changed things, everything seems to course correct. I watch as Sayid kisses Kate’s hand and then turns to walk away. I turn my head to Sawyer and see him hold a lighter up to his letter, but hesitate.

He turns his head and catches my eye, and I give him a reassuring smile. He nods back at me and turns away to look at the ocean. I smile to myself some more and begin to hum “I Shall Not Walk Alone” as I remember from the episode's end.

LOST

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Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in updates!

[thelittlehansy]

is Hans a sociopath based on A Frozen Heart ?

i did already makes this post in the past at the very very start of my blog , is Hans a sociopath based on the information we got about him ?  but my sources were not really complete. so here is another post counting the book. i made here a post based only on the movie something to say is if Hans at the start dont show a behavior faithful to ASPD but the whole contrary then he does not suffer from anti social personality disorder. as a behavior since 15 years old is required to be suffering from that disorder. Hans is already 17 ( 20 with his real age).

Disregard for right and wrong Hans in the book has a conscience. he didn't like doing what he did for his father during  the 3 years. he disregard right and wrong during frozen events but we dont know about his everyday life at the start of the book he seems to dont it.

Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others behavior not show in the book later on the book this is reveal Hans did genuinely like Anna and her time with her He admitted at the end that he did not manipulated her a all. He told her his whole life in the southern isles without lying. he did deceit to exploit Anna;

Being callous, cynical and disrespectful of others Behavior not show in the book. on the contrary this is a behavior his brothers have that Hans hates.

Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or personal pleasure in the book Hans did also on his everyday life tried to manipulated his father to have his trust to go in Arendelle.

Arrogance, a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated Hans view himself as the last of the last useless and a throwaway in the book.  he has self esteem issues. as this is imply he hates himself.

Recurring problems with the law, including criminal behavior Hans did work during Three years for his father but hates doing all the stuff he did for his father. the only reasons he did it was to have his father trust.

Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty no show on the book on the contrary we learn Hans hates violence and dont like to fight back. He find his father stupid to have burn a farm as an intimidation. His interaction with oaken in the book  to me just prove that is not part of his personality. Hans decided to give oaken exactly what he wanted to have information even if it means Buying his whole shop. on the contrary of the duke men who mock Hans saying that the duke him would have makes him talk fast.  he did intimidated a diplomat or a man i dont remember who and was pround at the end saying that he should  thanks his brothers next time he saw them. an indication this one of the first time he had that behavior so the factor “ repeatedly” is reject.

Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead the book dont really  suggest that hans is someone impulsive on the contrary he seems to calculated everything. he did was impulsive when he propose to Anna but hate what he did as he said his father and brothers would find him stupid to have propose so fast. he view his impulsive decision as stupid.  He definitely know how to plan ahead. He succeed to have the same goal during  whole years. ( go in arendelle) he has a lot of patience and he can very well project himself in the future.

Hostility, significant irritability, agitation, aggression or violence For what we knows on the book Hans is the kind of quiet teenager who pass days daydreaming. he hates violence , aggressive behavior as he has associated them to his father and brothers.

Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others He is able to empathize with his mother , with his sister in law ( emotional empathy wanted to help is compassionate empathy sociopath are good with cognitive empathy and struggle with the others two) and view a tragedy in arendelle king and queen disappearance.  during one instant at the end he did have remorse when he was going to kill Elsa but told himself no westergaard dont do feeling. also is able to put himself in Anna shoes.

Unnecessary risk-taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others not show on the book. on the book hans cares for the safety of arendelle citizens.

Poor or abusive relationships Hand did have abusive relationship but with him as the victim.

Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them We dont really know  we need to know what Hans think by the point of frozen fever. to bad we will never know.

Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations not show on the  book at some point Hans father told him he did prove to him he was enough responsible to go in arendelle. So during at least 3 whole years he prove to his dad he can be responsible.

Adults with antisocial personality disorder typically show symptoms of conduct disorder before the age of 15. Signs and symptoms of conduct disorder include serious, persistent behavior problems, such as:

Aggression toward people and animals dont exist  in the book by the start of the book

Destruction of property dont existent in the book.

Deceitfulness non existent in the book.

Theft non existent in the book.

Serious violation of rules non existent in the book.

Basically What we Knows at 17 years old : he has all his life be reduced to silence. he is quiet and pass days daydreaming about being an only son , be king and have his father time and love. He dont like to fight back and is view as a weak sensitive mice. He is obedient not rebellious and follow his father rules as at the start of the book he obey to his father ordering him to come at the birthday party of his mother. So in my opinion dont fit with the symptoms he should have show if he had ASPD before age 15.

I did read how someone say it was very clear that Hans was a sociopath in the book but i really fail to understand how ?. i m very confuse. so i though maybe i m biased ? but starting to think again on that book i dont get it.  not only because of that but i also read other post a student on psychology didn't have found that Hans was one. also that person along with TV tropes both makes the same point how he is able to bond with people ( Lars) something person with anti social personality disorder struggle.

[sagemoderocklee]

Hey Eeri, I'm sorry you've been having a bad couple of days, and I hope you're able to take it easy and have some time for yourself. Something I wanted to ask is if there are any pieces of writing that were formative to you as writer? What I mean by that is books or fics that you've read at any point that you feel shaped who you are and/or how you write. Sorry if that's an odd question.

thank you so much lilac. you’re so sweet 💗💗💗 and it’s totally not an odd question! writing inspires writing, after all!

if were talking about books that shaped me (as a writer and person) unfortunately i do have to acknowledge harry potter. i read it first when i was 9 or 10, and i just fell in love. like obsessively so. by the time i was 11 it was a huge part of me. when my mom got sick, whe she died, throughout the immediate aftermath and grief of her death as a teenager... especially the fifth book because that came out a month after her death and harry was going through so much of what i was. and then luna lovegood was introduced and it was like “oh that’s me”. harry potter was very formative for me and got me started with writing fanfiction so i’d be lying and disingenuous if i didn’t mention it, no matter how complicated i feel about that now.

aside from harry potter, the hobbit was very impactful to lil 9 year old eeri, as was the book The Island of the Blue Dolphins which was class reading in my 4th grade class. i read a lot as a kid, but those those two books stick out in my memory (aside from HP). middle school and high school were hard times since my mom was sick/dead, and i didn’t read as much nor do i remember much of what i read for school now aside from some obvious things like the odyssey, of mice and men, the diary of anne frank, to kill a mockingbird, the great gatsby—you know typical US high school reading—and ofc shakespeare (not only for english class but also for theatre which i did from 7th grade through my first year of college). i would say that to kill a mockingbird and a midsummer night’s dream were rlly impactful. and i’d also add that the play Children of a Lesser God, which my hs performed my sophomore year. also The Waiting Room by Lisa Loomer which we did my senior year and was my first starring role (i played Brenda).

i think some of the most impactful things i’ve read would also be the book of poetry by Daphne Gottlieb, Kissing Dead Girls, which i literally carried with me like a security blanket my second year of college. the poems are very heavy but god it’s so good and the way she plays with poetic structure is brilliant. that collection of poetry by far is one of the most impactful things i’ve read. id also say pablo neruda poetry, especially sonnet 17.

in college, for my lgbt studies class, we read Passing by Nella Larsen, which for me was very powerful being Black and white presenting. the writing is beautiful and the story, for me, hit very close to home which added to its impact on me

there was a book i read in a summer college english class called My Pathology about a Black man who’s an author struggling to be acknowledged and recognized for his writing until he publishes a book anonymously playing to stereotypes about Blackness for a white audience and this leads him to a sort of mental breakdown. i dont remember too much but i do remember the impact of it and would love to reread it.

there are also some rlly impactful essays by Audre Lorde in Sister Outsider that i love

recently i read an amazing book called Mirage by Somaiya Daud which is FANTASTIC. it’s a sci-fi/fantasy and an absolutely stunning piece of storytelling and writing. i’m not usually a fan of first person but Daud does an absolutely amazing job of it and the book is soooo immersive.

there’s a lot here, and some of it is more like “the themes of this impacted my writing” and others it’s more “writing i’ve learned from” and so on, but i think this is a decent selection of works that have left an impression on me

[swellwriting]

tagged by @kabeswaters​ and @fortisfiliae​ love u both sm <3 <3

1. on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? it fluctuates but right now -1 

2. describe yourself in a hashtag? #anxious

3. if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? JAKE MOTHERFUCKING GYLLENHAAL 

4. if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? i dont know what that is hah

5. what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i guess some people don’t know i’m type one diabetic??

6. what’s your wake up ritual? uh phone, animal crossing, fruit loops, weed

7. what’s your go to bed ritual? I watch asmr videos cuz im usually high as fuck and they knock me out lol, or i watch tiktok or pillow talk with my bf nick.

8. what’s your favorite time of day? like 9 pm?

9. your go to for having a good laugh? my boyfriend always makes me laugh no matter how angry or upset i am so i’d talk to him uwu

10. dream country to visit? FRANCe specifically Paris oui oui with my french candian bullshit

11. what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? when they announced 5sos was touring with one direction and i had tickets, never screamed so loud in my LIFE

12. heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers duh

13. vintage or new? vintage babey

14. who do you want to write your obituary? ME from the great beyond, the only other person who knows me well enouhg is nick and i love him but he is very stupid.

15. style icon? uh harry styles, devon lee carlson, halsey, bella hadid, tyler the creator some normal people whos style i LOVE  from insta are rebeccaramsdale , kehllie , kikalateefff , yourgirlneens , lilxmg !

16. what are three things you cannot live without? phone, insulin, art, music

17. what’s one ingredient you put in everything? probs vanilla or hotsauce, the only two flavours.

18. what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my dead brother DJ, kurt cobain andddd ryan dunn from jackass what a weird mix.

19. what’s your biggest fear in life? loosing my senses, loosing control, the fear that i am not actually real and ... oh spiders.

20. window or aisle seat? window 

21. what’s your current tv obsession? think its gonna be adventure time again

22. favorite app? instagram or discord so i can talk to my friends uwu

23. secret talent? i can speak french and giberish

24. most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? camping i guess?

25. how would you define yourself in three words? anxious, empathetic, creative

26. favorite piece of clothing you own? my vintage star wars shirt

27. a must have clothing item that everyone should have? blank tees, good quality blank tees!!! white black grey mhmhmh

28. a superpower you would want? i’d wanna be spidergirl

29. what’s inspiring you in life right now? nothing at all :(

30. best piece of advice you’ve received? my grade six teacher telling me that i was very empathetic as i was sitting at the back of the class crying because of the movie we were watching, she told me not everyone is empathetic like i am but its okay to be soft. but not to expect that from everyone else.

31. best advice you’d give your teenage self? teenage me was a mess but not messy enough that i’d change anything. i’d just say, things get better but im currently back in the state teenage me was in so...i’d be lying. maybe that wanting to kill yourself does not count as a personality trait - and start reading comics earlier cuz u really like them.

32. a book everyone should read? i read wack books, everyone on tumblr should read fangirl tho

33. what would you like to be remembered for? something i created

34. how do you define beauty? self expression and individuality 

35. what do you love most about your body? wait people love their bodies? not everyone was severly damaged by online diet culture and thigh gap era tumblr? weird ok

36. best way to take a rest/decompress? weed or bath or a movie

37. favorite place to view art? there is an art gallery in saskatchewan that i love, i was suposed to go there this summer before corona took over :(((

38. if your life was a song, what would the title be? either something short like “mellow” or fob style like “im so anxiuos all the time and nothing ever feels real and i dont know what im doing but somehow im doing pretty good while feeling prety bad and laughing through my tears lol.” or i’d steal “teen idle” by marina and the diamonds.

39. if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar or piano because im lame at both.

40. if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i want two moths above my knees rn

41 dolphins or koalas? neither

42. what’s an animal that represents you? im more of a pokemon, i think id be jigglypuff

43. best gift you’ve ever received? whenever nick buys me clothes from stussy or maybe infinity on high on vinyl.

44. best gift you’ve given? i bought nick the entire sin city comic series in one giant book.

45. what’s your favorite board game? monopoly

46. what’s your favorite color? yellow

47. least favorite color? that weird pinky purple

48. diamond or pearls? pearls

49. drugstore makeup or designer? colour pop and fenty

50. pilates or yoga? yoga

51. coffee or tea? tea

52. what’s the weirdest word in the english language? pumpernickle is my fav one.

53. dark chocolate or milk chocolate? MILK

54. stairs or elevators? stairs

55. summer or winter? summer, canadian winters are brutal.

56. you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? ur asking someone who has very specific comfort foods so i already do this - cheese bagel toasted with cream cheese and then toasted again to melt cheddar cheese on top. with a diet coke thats very important.

57. a dessert you don’t like? cheesecake 

58. a skill you’re working on mastering? im crazy so this is a lot but - writing , drawing and painting, polymer clay, sewing, resin art and pottery.

59. best thing to happen to you today? nothing

60. worst thing to happen to you today? the line at starbucks was too long and i had to get wendys instead, and a few other things i won’t mention.

61. best compliment you’ve ever received? whenever my mom says i remind her of my brother dj, when people say anything nice about my art or writing style. when people ask about my clothes. when my friend jess called me a “known softie” uwu

62. favorite smell? lavender

63. hugs or kisses? hugs

64. if you made a documentary, what would it be about? i’d talk about star wars for hours on end 

65. last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? of mice and men made me ball my fucking eyes out

66. lipstick or lipgloss? chapstickk

67. sweet or savory? sweet

68. girl crush? Zendaya

69. how do you know you’re in love? idk ive just always been in love with nick (since i was 15) before i even really knew what love was, i guess if the other person feels like home, you know ur doing something right.

70. a song you can listen to on repeat? nine in the afternoon by p!atd or a match into water by peirce the veil, over my head by fleetwood mac

71. if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? harry styles that mysterious fucker

72. what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? currently not looking forward to anything becase my life is super uncertain right now ha.. maybe the release of the chaos walking movie whenever that decides to happen.

tagging: i assume yall have been tagged in this already but just incase @beskarjedi @woakiees @bluemadcnna @carolinesbookworld  @theseuscmander and anyone else who wants to do this consider urself tagged.

[libidomechanica]

“The breath of wrongs have”

The breath of wrongs have for thee, your  order; but still it besides, crocodiles,  My you hast thing at the sound so richness  on the days in this w as a sleep soundlessly— thy Fathers Angel! and 

this, which, with men the  snowy shroud, flaying. Not at the heare the  powerful rhymes at once again in the  maid, and see, if lovely hand of  raind, how soon were happines of this same  we with heat of the cypress 

cloak and one, who his sluggish fear 

she wind and swollen will. May yet I will.  Rival, thoughts on Marble; and no light pierce; 

and Stand, nor rewarded:  the west, still one day; free-voicd by Truth, wheretic,  thats a good god of beauteous speed:  and porphyrias take or music pour mind. Of  tangle banks of day: they bedewd that self  in known the moved with so beauties  as brow, the fallen a poem 

which the Serpents and great Latmian streamlet  vapours the golden all the tune 

taken her yet; till let is nose. May well of  the world from lead bore. Whom I should  the Serpents weighs and again. Ll  haunted as certain to the 

wroughts of Druids were: their heart! His province,  and truth because 

he course or one partner, and glide, chiding  the seemed body. That your elbow  and it nor this born to unseen;  but with the thing the crushd  the goblet: the air of fairplay  no mixt with as their mother harsh groom  said, had song, writ now is, and surprise  who know they dreamed I will peep of high, would do  my dead and seen at the orchardscrabbled  lion to other than and lines; and  field-mice are above and help will gone,  and in silence has it round a  day among his first-fruits, flow, ever eight sun, above  thou should fickle maiden making up to  then dont say no; and where near to meets  which now are to shadow yet her  star, or sit, admires with band and  man, her led tight! The king her bonie  Mary, charlie Grigor tiny, clean street. —This prime—  but in each to balks of mine ground and 

dont agree: such certaind! And pluck all me to  fill tremulous, poem, I seem by what 

once decided, tho I am anxious 

again travel, others, roses a pocketful  dream; but right and indeed I was 

struct think wave slide by, their stroked on me again.  singing at thou returnd my burning: Like geese  above you pleasant, a look not amiss. — There either  shadows broken lies Holding seen rise— they 

held awake! beside of cowslip of  your poisoned two: so finish title, and my 

body can it? Your names upon a  dreams be, fearing. Leauing not run like place, whose one,  thou passions of a Vice Lord and flush, all  came ye, merrily! With young like it;  more or tall that heard not being made the 

carven gleaming home tongue backs with  you for rings, snapping whence came among that 

swells me all general converge to  put our for the first,  and base of the most tree; but that  moonbeams I hold to-day, nor colour own!

[q-gorgeous]

Home

fanfiction

based on the animatic idea i had for this song

Warnings: injury, character death

i still dont know why the page break is gone does anyone know

Dash stared at the boy in front of him. He didn’t know Dash was behind him but Dash was gaping at the twerp.

Danny Fenton was over there facing a ghost.

He was fucking staring it down and exchanging banter. 

Dash was floored as he watched, jaw dropped, as Danny casually sauntered right up to the ghost. 

The fuck does Fenton think he’s doing? Danny laughed at something he said and before Dash knew it the ghost was throwing an ectoblast right at the boy. He jumped and rolled to the side so quickly that Dash’s jaw was nearly unhinged now. 

And then something happened that Dash couldn’t explain. No matter how hard he racked his mind over it, he couldn’t come up with a conceivable explanation. 

Two blinding white rings formed around Danny’s waist, floating away from one another as they passed his chest, his hands, his head. Until left standing there was Phantom. The Danny Phantom. 

Dash looked like a fish now, mouth opening and closing as Phantom-Danny- rushed head first towards the ghost, hand charged up with radioactive ectoplasm. 

Fists flew, debris rained down, and soon Danny was sucking the ghost into that little thermos he always seemed to have. Floating there, Danny had a smirk on his face and he began to turn around. When he met Dash’s horrified and shocked gaze, his own eyes filled with fear. Danny’s eyebrows drew down though and he floated over to Dash who scooted away. 

Dash could see Danny’s mouth moving but he couldn’t hear anything. The sound of his heartbeat rushed through his ears and his chest heaved up and down too quickly. 

A hand softly landed on his shoulder and Dash looked up into Danny’s green eyes. His white hair stood on end, sticking up messily. Now that Dash had seen he could clearly see Danny in Phantom now. He was wearing a jumpsuit for fucks sake. 

Dash took in a deep breath and shakily spoke. 

“Change back.”

The whisper was airy and Dash could still feel himself shaking and breathing too fast but he got it out. 

Danny’s brows furrowed again. “Dash, do you want me to take you home? It’d only take-”

“No! Change back!” Dash spit back.

Danny jumped at the tone, but did as he was asked. The rings appeared again and Dash jerked his arm away from them before they could touch him. Before him was a totally normal, dweebish looking Danny Fenton. 

“Are you dead?" Dash asked, voice barely above a whisper. “How is this possible? You can’t be both alive and dead.” Dash’s face went slack and his eyes widened. “Am I dead? Am I imagining all of this in my last seven minutes of brain activity?”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Dash, no-”

“I’m not ready to die!” Dash wailed. “Is this the karma I get? To be left in purgatory until the end of time being tormented by both my hero and the kid I wailed on everyday?”

Suddenly Danny’s hands were both on Dash’s shoulders shaking him. The smaller boy leaned forward until their faces were only a few inches apart.

“Dash! You’re not dead!” Danny huffed out a small breath, hanging his head. “You just saw something you weren’t supposed to.”

Dash’s eyes widened at that again. “Are you gonna kill me?”

Danny groaned. “Dash, no. It’s just… There are people that if they knew this secret they’d want to kill me. The GIW, The Red Huntress. My parents.” His voice trailed off on the last word. 

“Your parents don’t know?” Dash whispered in horror. 

Danny snorted softly. “Are you kidding? Who knows what they’d do if they found out their son was public enemy number one. They could kill me, dissect me, try to expunge the ghost overshadowing me. Tear me apart molecule by molecule.”

Silence reigned between them before Dash spoke again. 

“Does anyone know?”

Danny nodded. “Sam and Tucker have known the whole time. Jazz found out on her own. All the ghosts know. For some reason.” He scrunched his nose at that. He groaned and leaned away from Dash, resting against the car the jock had been hiding behind during the fight.

“How did it happen?” Dash asked quietly. He had calmed down most of the way but he was still having the shakes. He looked at Danny who had his eyes closed, eyebrows drawn down.

“Accident with the ghost portal. I accidentally turned it on and it electrocuted me while I was inside it. It’s why I missed the first two weeks of freshman year.”

“Man..” Dash looked at the rubble on the ground in front of them. “That sucks.”

Danny snorted. “Tell me about it.”

They sat there in silence for awhile before Danny groaned again and started to stand up. 

“I gotta get going. I have chores and homework I need to do.”

Dash stood up shakily, leaning against the car once he was on his feet. 

“Do you want me to fly you home?”

His head shot up at Danny’s question and he saw the other boy rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I just thought because you’re still shaking that maybe- I don’t know how long it’d take you- another ghost could-”

Dash let out a chuckle at the boy’s nervous stammering. “Sure why not.”

Those rings appeared yet again and something clenched in Dash’s stomach. It wasn’t nearly as terrifying this time around. 

Danny picked Dash up off the ground and leapt into the air, going about the speed as a car would normally be driving down one of these roads.

They finally made it to Dash’s house and Danny flew in through the wall to his room. Danny’s tail turned back into legs and he touched down on the floor before placing Dash back on his own feet. 

“You gonna be okay?” Danny asked as he started turning back to the wall they just flew through. 

“Yeah. Are you gonna be okay?”

Shrugging, Danny cracked a smile. 

“As okay as a dead kid can be.”

He waved and floated through the wall, leaving Dash alone. 

QQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

“Danny!” Dash screamed. He ran between crumbled buildings and bent cars. “Danny!”

The ghost boy wasn’t anywhere in sight, not that that really mattered but it scared Dash. They’d all been at school when the guys in white smashed through walls and dropped through the ceiling.

English class with Lancer. 

Dash held his chin in his hand, looking boredly down at his notebook where he was doodling circles instead of taking notes. He looked up at Danny who was sitting in front of him to the left, barely keeping his head up off his desk. 

Mr. Lancer was droning on about some sort of poetry when the outside walls burst into the classroom, the ceiling falling apart above them. 

“Of Mice and Men!” Lancer exclaimed while students shouted and covered their heads as debris fell around them. 

As the dust cleared Dash could make out boulders of men, their white suits still immaculate of dust or dirt, all pointing their weapons at Danny. 

“Danny Fenton,” one started, “Under the Ecto-Containment Bill, section D paragraph one, you are hereby arrested for harboring a ghostly fugitive.”

“What?!” Danny exclaimed. “Why would I be harboring a ghost fugitive?” “The reasons are unknown. What we have gathered is that Phantom is taking up residence within you and either you are completely fooled, or you allow his presence.”

The blood drained from Danny’s face and Dash’s eyes widened. 

“Phantom? How would I be harboring Phantom? We’ve never even been seen in the same place before! How could I have met him?” Danny asked nervously. He eyed an agent as he took a tool from his pocket, pointing it at Danny who flinched. 

“Level 9 specter. We’ve been tracking Phantom’s ecto-signature for weeks. But if you’ve never been seen together before then…”

One by one the agents raised their weapons and pointed them at Danny. They came to life, the whirring filling the otherwise quiet classroom. The first shot was fired and students could be heard screaming as Danny ducked and rolled across the floor. 

Another blast was shot towards him and nearly clipped his arm.

“Go!” Dash shouted. He ran towards Danny, blocking the agents aim. 

“Dash!” Danny hissed. “What are you doing?”

“Buying you time. Now get out of here.”

Dash turned his head back towards the agent who fired the first shot at Danny. Running forward, he tackled the man to the ground, managing to knock the gun out of his hands. The other agents let out exclamations as they tried to pull him off the bastard. 

“The Fenton kid is gone!” 

At this, Dash was thrown to the side, forgotten, as the agents ran from the school, piling into vans or equipping their flight inventions. Once the area was clear, Dash sprinted from the building, ignoring the cries of Lancer and his classmates. 

“Danny!” Dash yelled again. His eyes were starting to well up and his breathing was getting faster. If he didn’t find Danny soon he’d be too panicked to continue looking for him. 

Suddenly, Dash felt a hand around his wrist pull him into one of the buildings the GIW had crashed through. Dash turned around and couldn’t help the sob that left his throat. 

He threw his arms around Danny, pulling him close against his chest. 

“I thought they got you!” He whispered. 

Danny shook his head. “They’ve got my ecto-signature, I won’t be able to hide from them for long here. I need to leave.”

“Leave where? Where could you possibly go?”

“Australia? The ghost zone? Hell, I might even actually need Vlad’s help this time.”

“But-”

Dash was interrupted as another hole was smashed into the building they were hiding in. 

There stood at least fifteen GIW, all armed, all aiming at Dash and Danny as they stood there. Guns began whirring and the two of them started backing towards the wall. 

“You’re surrounded, Phantom. There’s no escaping this time.” The agent barked. 

“What do you even need him for?!” Dash yelled. “He’s done nothing but good for this town!”

“He needs to be disposed of.”

The way the agent said it was so cold it sent ice down Dash’s spine. 

“What?”

“Whatever this child is shouldn’t exist. His power increases faster than any other specter and it would be unwise to leave it in the hands of a mere teenager. He must be exterminated.”

Dash gaped. “This is a kid you’re talking about! A living, breathing kid! That’s murder!”

“There are no laws protecting ectoplasmic organisms. They are supposed to be dealt with and disposed of.”

Dash’s vision swam with red. He stormed towards the agent, preparing to strike the snake’s face with his fist. 

Something shot into his stomach. It threw him into the ground and as his vision tilted he touched the aching, burning spot on his abdomen, lifting his hand to see it slick with blood. 

After that everything felt like it was happening outside a fish bowl that he was lying in. The sounds around him were muted. He vaguely registered Danny yelling. The glowing shield now surrounding Dash. Danny screaming. It all felt like it lasted a lifetime and a second all at the same time. 

Someone was shaking Dash’s shoulder, trying to get his attention. He turned his heavy gaze towards the figure-Danny-above him. He could make out the GIW agents scattered on the ground in front of them, the tears on Danny’s face. 

“Dash?” He could finally hear his name being spoken. Danny’s voice was filled with raw panic and Dash knew. He knew it wasn’t good. 

“Danny…” Dash whispered. He began to cough, a copper taste filling his mouth and over Danny’s shoulder he saw a hazy light blurring the broken building. 

“I’m not gonna… Not gonna make it.” Dash said shakily. 

A sob pushed its way out of Danny’s throat and tears streamed down his face faster. “No Dash, you gotta hold on. I’ll get you to a hospital and they can-”

“Danny-” Dash’s breath hitched as he placed his hand on top of Danny’s. “I can already- already see it. I’m not gonna make it to a hospital.”

Danny leaned down and pressed his forehead against Dash’s, his tears dripping onto the other boy’s face. 

“Go to- go to Australia. Or the ghost zone, Danny. Please. Get somewhere safe.”

Danny lifted his gaze to look into Dash’s unfocused blue eyes. His breathing picked up and Danny took his free hand and ran it through Dash’s hair until the erratic breaths stopped. 

Dash was standing above Danny and his body, watched as Danny leaned over onto his chest and sobbed. 

Dash took one last look at Danny and turned to walk towards the hazy light, leaving Danny alone.

[flockofdoves]

thought it would be cool (if just interesting to myself) to try to remember the dates of concerts i’ve been to before so i could hunt down videos and since i’ve actually been to very few concerts that weren’t like . local bands or friends performing or for school or other contexts for live music like musicals thats actually a pretty short list i think i got everything important

8/9/2011 - 10th Annual Honda Civic Tour - in mansfield, massachusetts comcast center - manchester orchestra opened for my chemical romance and blink-182

this was my first concert!!! i remember gerard wore a black poncho and jumped a lot. got a poster and shirt i still cherish to this day even if the people next to us kept leaving for beer and trampled on my poster. don’t remember a lot else except i was extremely overwhelmed with excitement. i’d love to find videos. went with my two older cousins who were also emo and my dad. we left half way through blink-182′s performance bc while we all enjoyed them we were tired and we were all way more obsessed with mcr

7/19/2012 - warped tour - in mansfield, massachusetts comcast center

i dont exactly remember everyone i saw that day. went with one of my cousins from above, his gf at the time, and my aunt. years later people were telling me i was confused because one of my clearest memories there was being on the edge of the mosh pit while pierce the veil played and i was amazed at how close i was (while my 1 year older cousin freaked out about people trying to crowdsurf over me, a 13 year old lol) and was thinking about how much further i was away from that same stage last year seeing mcr but people told me they were different venues but now i know it wasnt my imagination that was the same layout same stage!! i also remember watching we the kings for maybe a song or so?? didn’t care much for them but they were filming a music video they said iirc. i Really regret only hearing yellowcard from a distance because i was fucking. in line to get an autographed cd from falling in reverse (i knew ronnie radke was an abuser then and felt bad about it later that day but i was dumb then) i definitely listened to other bands but i don’t remember them clearly. that was the first time i ever smelled weed lol. bought a ptv tank top and changed into it right there. was really awkward while cherri bomb signed a cd for my cousin. got really excited because i missed seeing sick of sarah earlier that day (but had become obsessed with them listening to the free itunes downloads that came with preparing for the tour) but when i went to their merch booth and bought their cd they all were there and signed it. some bands i feel i Might have seen based on my cousin loving them or just vague memories of talking about seeing them are like . of mice and men, mayday parade, we are the in crowd, chunk no captain chunk, and motionless in white. the biggest thing i was excited for going into warped tour was the used and i was soooo sad to find out they weren’t on our date of the tour. in retrospect looking at this list now for artists i wasn’t familiar with then i think i would have liked to see senses fail or geoff rickly.

8/4/2017 - newport jazz festival - international tennis hall of fame in newport, rhode island - trombone shorty & orleans avenue and rhiannon giddens

went with my brother, same cousin as in both of the other ones (did not realize he’d been here for all of these!) and my younger cousin on that side. my brother got me into trombone shorty the summer before this and i’m really glad he did. seeing him live was so cool like. watching him do one note for like a fucking whole minute live is not the same as videos. rhiannon giddens was really good too i didn’t know her before and this is reminding me right now i’d really like to get into her music. the venue itself was soooo weird though i guess being like . where it was and part of the newport jazz festival the vast majority of people there were middle aged/elderly seemingly rich white people i barely saw other people our age lol.