#of course there are other cishet friends in that group who I don't think feel the same way

[plunderbunny]

I'm a cishet man, so that of course colors my perceptions of these kinds of things, as well as my anxiety and depression in general, but I think it might be useful to offer my perspective here about this kind of thing.

My primary friend group is predominantly queer, and outside of that friend group many of my friends are queer, so the vast majority of my social interactions these days is in mostly LGBTQ groups or with queer people. I love them all dearly, but there are many, many occasions when I feel like there is a kind of... Enforced distance between them and me, based largely on my orientation and gender identity. When my queer friends say things like "are the straights okay", or spend time with straight family members in bad relationships and complain about "spending time with straight couples, where is the love?", or praise media by saying nothing other than "it's so gay" as though that gayness itself was an indicator of artistic and moral quality, or get frustrated by random people out in the world being jerks and complain about "cishet assholes", or groan and boo and complain when movies or games have straight couples in them, or say they would "rather die than play a man in a video game" (even as an exaggeration), or furry friends joking about how I "still think I'm cishet, how cute", or any number of other similar tiny things, it makes me feel as though I'm less important, less loved by them, less valuable or worthy of consideration, simply because of my orientation and gender identity, things entirely out of my own control.

Now, I'm not stupid, I know that they're not often saying these things to me specifically, or trying directly to put me down. When they say these things, they're generally talking to a queer audience, and from what I can tell these things are generally meant as an expression of LGBTQ support and/or an expression of frustration with being part of a minority group that faces all kinds of discrimination, bigotry, and oppression. But knowing that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me feel less loved by these people that I care about, just because I'm a cishet man. I think that there are ways that they could make similar shows of support and love for their LGBTQ friends without potentially alienating or othering their cishet friends, in the same way that I do my best not to alienate and other my queer friends. Which, full disclosure, I know that I'm not always the best at, ESPECIALLY in the past! People are always learning, I don't expect perfection from anyone (except myself but that's the depression talking again lol).

I don't think it's quite to the level of "irrational hatred" of men that OP was talking about, but more on the level of a bunch of little microaggressions that sit in my head and add up over time and make me feel like there's an impassable gulf between myself and many of the people I love. Yes, I understand that my queer friends don't have the enormous privilege I do of not being judged and hated by much of society based on just their identity, but I don't think that that makes me deserving of less respect just because I happen to share an identity with many of their oppressors.

"straw(wo)men, youre gonna make other trans girls scared youll turn against them" is really fucking wild for a trans woman with a huge platform to say.

[pawberri]

thank you for all the posts you've made, your takes are always so refreshing to hear.

I want to know your thoughts (if it's okay with you, you can also totally ignore this) about all the "men hate" I see online. like I (poc transmasc non-passing) get it, there are genuine societal gender problems. transmisogyny does exist-women face more challenges than men do. but it genuinely hurts when women, especially trans women, think it's funny/quirky to call men trash or say they want all men dead or whatever. idk I just am hoping someone else understands, you know?

There's a lot of nuances to this question. First, I just want to caution against focusing too much on trans girls as the perpetrators of this. A lot of the asks I get from trans men seem to really fixate on trans women as the perpetrators of hard line gender essentialism. I really think trans girls are not the main people we should be focusing on here. If a trans woman is saying this stuff, take the time to analyze her ideology outside of that pithy comment and consider how much trauma and how little power she has in the world. That said, trans women are affected by this kind of ideology just like us, and they rarely have the power to wield it against others in the way cis people can. I know it hurts to feel isolated by your own community, but that kinda gets into my second point.

Part of dealing with this is learning an impulse progressive cishet dude have had to get used to over the decade. Sometimes, "men are trash" or even "kill all men" are not literal phrases. They are things women say when they're in the throes of trauma to vent their frustration. "Men are trash" in particular is generally pretty lighthearted and used to complain when you have a bad date or something. You have to get used to analyzing what someone actually means and airing on the side of empathy. You, as a man, are the one with some amount of systemic power over that woman, so you are the one who needs to prove you are dedicated to not being a misogynist. The same thing happens when my friends say they hate white people. I have to assume they don't hate me given that I'm their friend, but that I still have some of the negative traits of whiteness. I need to care enough to be a good friend by being anti-racist and checking myself on my behavior. I need to be willing to prioritize their comfort over mine. That includes not becoming this meme:

Now that that's established, there ARE times when "all men are evil and should die" is an actual ideology. It's an ideology that hurts tons of minority groups before it hurts the most powerful, but it's also not really great if we assume it only hurts cishet white guys. Following it to its logical conclusion, it just proposes a reversal of oppression dynamics. This gender essentialism is a key part of radical feminism, trans exclusionary or not, but it leaks out of that community to general feminism all the time.

As a young person on Tumblr and Twitter, this deeply affected me. I internalized the idea that you can "just be a girl." It was repeated by some trans girls, but also a LOT of TME people. It was framed as trans inclusive, but it's trans inclusive in the way "political lesbianism" is lesbian positive. It posits gender as a moral choice that is completely up to the individual and unrelated to biology. It's the lazy version of "gender is a social construct." I felt sick and disgusting for wanting to be a boy because tons of well-meaning friends of mine had made it clear that "being a boy" was a choice, and it was the wrong one. "Boy" was a social category that could and should eventually be eradicated. Trans women were conditionally supported because they, in theory, made this future possible. This didn't amount to actual support, of course. It was an ideology mostly spread by afab queer people that mostly benefited afab queer people. There were a few trans girls who spread it, maybe some due to genuinely believing in the ideology and some due to social pressure, but there were also a lot of people straight-up grifting as trans girls who used this thinking to feel powerful in a niche community of teens. Remember fucking Yandere Bitch Club???

At a certain point, I genuinely thought of being a man as an unambiguous moral failing, and I lashed out at out trans men because of it. I wanted to feel powerful, and here was a type of man in my community I could shame and exclude. I still feel bad for making a bunch of ~girls only~ stuff in HS that excluded the one out trans dude at our school, my friend, because he was just a ~binary man~ and leaving him with no friends and no community. I treated transphobia like it wasn't a real oppression on its own and, in doing so, perpetuated transphobia. It happens a lot.

I wasn't really able to accept that there was nuance to the concept of manhood until I read this article while struggling to accept my own gender:

This is a pretty seminal piece of writing. It has its flaws, of course, but the empathy and intersectionality it highlights was life-changing. It also shows that this kind of thinking is largely perpetuated by TME people and hurts trans women greatly.

Gender essentialism is a bad ideology, it's a transphobic, transmisogynist, racist, etc etc ideology. It's literally essential to patriarchy. But it's also very easy to repackage into leftism and easy to dogwhistle. As a result, it's natural to be hesitant when you see someone saying they hate all men, but you have to tread extremely lightly and actually care what they're attempting to express. Because, yeah, men as a social class still hold power over women. They still have reason to fear and hate men.

I'm writing a comic about this stuff, actually, so look out for it in the future..........

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Man, this pisses me off so bad. If you're a woman who relates more to males than other women, it's because you've decided to focus more on how you're different from other women rather than how you're like them. You will literally never have more in common with males, and males do not feel the same way about you. These cute little posts that you write about how you love males more than your fellow women? They do not write the same thing about you. They hate and mock you constantly. Anyone remember "Cis women need to shut up"

"As a cis woman, I agree"

"You need to shut up, specifically"

?

Yea, that's how they feel about you and your solidarity.

The difference between lesbians and trans women in female spaces is the fact that lesbians do not have high rates of violence. There is no group of women that outclass men in terms of violent tendencies. Trans women retain the rates of male violence that regular men do. I'm not saying you have to treat trans women like they're all violent beasts, but if you can't see why female people would be uncomfortable with male people in their spaces, you're either naive or genuinely unsympathetic towards the very real fear that women have of being subjected to male violence. You can't say trans women and lesbians are similar because, unlike males, there is no statistical evidence that lesbians are highly likely to take advantage of a woman. If it turned out that 98% of rapes were committed by lesbians, I would 1000% understand why straight women don't fucking want to be around me. Have some fucking empathy, holy fucking shit. Even if you are completely on board with trans women being in female spaces, at LEAST acknowledge that it makes sense for women to be concerned about who is allowed in their spaces. It's crazy how I could tell someone I have a fear of dogs because one bit me when I was a kid, and they'd put their sweet pooch up, but God forbid a woman be cautious around a demographic who commit 90% of all violent crime. Oh no. That woman is suddenly a terf bitch.

I have nothing in common with trans women. I don't care how much pain they have experienced. We are not the same. When I was twelve, I cried and I cried as I put my palms together to pray to a God I hoped would be able to take away my homosexuality. I didn't even grow up in a particularly homophobic family. Both of my parents were accepting of me, but I still sat in the dark of my room, tears streaming down my face, as I prayed to have my sexuality changed.

Two years later, one of my friends made a joke about me dressing to impress my crush. She said my crushes name---a feminine name. A girl sitting in earshot heard her, turned to me, and asked me with disgust if I was gay. I said no without even thinking about it. It absolutely did not help that we were in a locker room with other girls. I was aware of my sexuality by that point, but I was 14 and unable to hold my own against a girl looking at me like THAT. For a few weeks after that, that girl made comments about how she was "watching me".

I know pain, I know discomfort, I know what it's like to feel predatory. Seeing feminine women, especially if they're white, makes me feel like an alien. I look at them and think "how are we so different? I see none of myself in you."

Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes we're not similar at all. But guess what? That doesn't mean I'm similar to a straight male. Fucking hell, sometimes I'm not similar to other lesbians. That's completely normal. I think OP needs to read better work by cishet women. If you think that there is not a single piece of cishet female writing that can move you more than something written by a male, you're not looking in the right places at all. I don't understand why some LB women seem to think that the very act of someone being a straight woman makes them incapable of relatability. Of course it makes sense for you to be cautious. Lesbians deal with a lot of alienation and predatory feelings, but if the very ACT of a woman being cis and straight makes you feel like she has absolutely nothing in common with you...? The issue lies with you. YOU are the one othering THEM. Not the other way around. You're the one who has decided that a few cis straight women othering you means that they ALL will so you'd better beat them to the punch. You're the one who has decided that your relationship to womanhood is so astronomically different from straight women that nothing they say speaks to you. That's INSANE. Do you realize how much you have to alienate yourself from womanhood to feel more relatability with a male person than a female one? Idk how to tell you this, but it is highly probable that the most cis, most het woman you have ever met has had a period. It's highly likely she's been harassed by a man. It's highly likely she's been made to feel inferior by way of being born female. No, they can't relate to the experience of being a lesbian who is made to feel predatory for no reason, but to say that nothing a cis het woman says/experiences can move you at all? Nothing they say can make you feel like your experience with womanhood and hers are similar? Do you realize how you sound? "Trans women have been harassed by men and made to feel inferior, too!!" Okay! So you should be able to relate to cis women in the way you do trans women, right?

I told my discord server that I was nervous about my future roommates. I showed them photos and someone said "all this tells me is that they're feminine and white" and I literally think about that all of the time. I was projecting. I was so scared that these white, feminine, probably straight women were going to judge me for being a black lesbian that I didn't even realize that I was the one violently judging them based off of nothing but their skin color and their femininity. I knew nothing about them. I STILL know nothing about them. I've barely spoken to them. But already I had labeled them as unrelatable judgemental women because of how they looked. Hold on. Wasn't I the one afraid of them judging ME? How could I be so afraid of them judging me for being a black lesbian when I was the one judging them already? What sense does that make?

You guys are so busy writing off cis straight women as unrelatable bigots that you've failed to see that you're the one who is extremely prejudiced against them. And I absolutely fucking know someone is gonna read this and say "well, you can't say that all trans women have male violence patterns and dahdahdahdah" and it's like. But YOU can say that cis straight women are so unbelievably different from lesbian women that you'd rather say you're more similar to a straight up fucking male???

I'm not saying it's not a little jarring to see women who are so different from me. I'm not saying I haven't been burned before and there's no reason for me (or other lesbians) to be cautious. But I will literally ALWAYS have more in common with cishet women than I ever will a man pretending to be a woman.

One time I had a professor. She was on the older side (I'd say 40's) and white. Not the type of person I'd think I'd click well with. She was straight and married with children. One day we talked after class, and the only thing that ended our conversation was the fact she had an event she had to go to. We would've talked longer if not for that. She emailed me a little while later to tell me that she enjoyed our chat. After that, she actually hugged me on two occasions. You wouldn't think we'd have common ground. An older, straight, married white mother and a young black lesbian. Both of us are "cis" but I can tell you I relate to her much better than I ever could someone born male.

I once had a personal trainer who was a feminine woman. She had acrylic nails and everything. One time she said that she couldn't hug her male friends anymore because she had a boyfriend (he wasn't the one enforcing that rule. That was something she personally felt). Also not someone I thought I'd click well with. But we did. One time we had a really productive discussion that was actually derived from the conversation with my professor. I felt very close to her in that moment. Our conversation came to a close because she had another client, but I still think about that convo.

There have been so many fucking times where I thought "this woman is not like me. Look at her." But what I realized was that I was the judgmental one. I was the one deciding we were different, not her. I was the one writing her off. I was the one convinced we had nothing in common.

I am BEGGING you not to alienate your fellow women. There are no inherent traits that make you unable to relate to other women. No amount of whiteness or cisness or straightness can make a woman completely unreachable. I am NOT talking about political parties or views so don't fucking try me with that shit. Obviously that puts a wedge between people, but someone simply being born cis and het does not make them alien from you. For God's sake, look at the fucking MeToo movement. Women from all fucking backgrounds who share an experience that an unfortunate amount of women go through. Women from all different races, sexualities, etc. who came together to talk about how they've been subjected to sexual violence. Ellen degeneres was one of them. How does that fit into your "lesbians and cishet women cannot relate to each other" spiel?

OP's post has 130k notes and it makes me fucking sick. Holy crap y'all, we need more solidarity than this. Other women are not your enemy. I'm begging you to reconsider your approach to women who are different than you. You are missing out on people who can love and support you in a way that literally no male can. You are depriving yourself. Just because a few cishet women in the past alienated you, does not mean that you have to continue their legacy. Let it go. Everyone on earth can see you embracing your hatred of women, and you wonder why your fellow women never hug you? They fucking can't! Put your hatred down and make space for the love that comes with realizing that you absolutely are like other girls!

[zonedallthewayout]

Mini rant I suppose-

So I'm reading Catcher in the Rye for school right now, and I've heard a lot of weird takes on it. The most common one being, "Holden is a rich cishet white boy, what does he have to complain about??? He has it all and is just whiny." and just generally ignoring the facts that:

1) mental illness/ disorders aren't exclusive to minority groups and doesn't always come from external circumstances

2) Holden has some pretty serious events in his life that he kind of brushes off in the book, but are actually pretty traumatizing especially to a teenager

3) Holden's behavior and attitude toward the world isn't just some snobby rich kid complaining that he only got $100 instead of $200 this week. His general hatred for everything and the instability of his relationships are indicators of multiple possible conditions, but is most consistent with borderline personality disorder. While mental illness isn't a free pass to be a jerk, it is an explanation. It isn't his fault, as a 16-year-old boy, that he wasn't given the help he needs to get better.

4) Life isn't a competition over who has the most trauma. Just because Holden doesn't have all of the issues someone else might have doesn't make him automatically undeserving of help or understanding.

overall, i'm tired of seeing people (IRL and online) trying to one-up each other about who has the hardest life. I'm no expert, but I think if the energy we spend fighting about whether or not someone has "suffered enough to deserve help" was used to fight the systems that created that pain and lift each other up, we could make a lot more progress on the path toward healing. Invalidating other people's experiences to feel better about ourselves will never lead to a strong community.

So maybe next time you hear a friend speak about their situation, take a moment to think before responding with "At least you don't have it as bad as [x]" and try to understand their perspective.

Of course, it should be a two-way street. If someone wouldn't do the same for you, they probably aren't interested in building honest support systems and it isn't your responsibility to try and support someone who would take you down with them if they fall.

Rant over, just smth that's been on my mind recently. Disclaimer, I'm absolutely not experienced or anything, so this is mostly opinion

[david-goldrock]

I am thinking about them again, so let me tell you the story of Ayala

Ayala is not their name, obviously, none of them names in the story are true.

We met in the 4th grade. I just moved towns and went to this new school, but she wasn't in it. She was at the gifted kid institute. Once every week, they'd pull us out of the school system to let us into a world of happiness, challenge, and understanding. My best of days were from there, I have yet to have told you of the time I got high off of sugar there, but that's a story from another time, for another time.

It's the 4th grade, and I just meet the fellas, many of which I still keep in touch with.

She had glasses. she always wore the same blue hoodie, summer and all. She was always a bit cold. She had this weird bowl cut hair that never crossed her shoulders, as if she cut it the shortest she could without being an outcast. she was funny, she was brilliant, smarter than I am for sure. She beat me at math, and at riddles. She solved a Rubik's Cube while I was fiddling with the upper face. She could speak a bit of Chinese by the end of that year, I couldn't remember anything but my name, which was the same word

She was my best friend at the time. I didn't have a smartphone, so we couldn't text, only call. So we did, often. once a week, twice a week, thrice a week.

When we met, I'd hug everyone. we were still young enough so it wouldn't be weird. We were still young enough I couldn't control my strength, and would often chock my friends out. She was the only one who matched my strength. Some people appreciated the hug but wanted out, not her, her hugs lasted minutes, filling my inside.

The years went on and we grew closer. We made a religion, with goals, rituals and all. we made a plan to kill every adult in the world so only we will remain. We would make jokes, we would make games, we would recite plays, we would write poems.

6th grade. I got my smartphone.

We texted, every day, for hours. We didn't know what memes were back then, nor did we have some, but we would create jokes and tell each other. We'd challenge each other with riddles and philosophical thought experiments. We would plan actual experiments. I told her her experiments would almost certainly be illegal to perform, but she just brushed it off.

7th grade, the hottest class at the institute? gender studies. of course, it is, one day I'd perform the experiment we once designed: track the gifted kid population through a 10-year period and check how many are LGBT. in our institute it's only been 4 years, and we are already over 50%. I am one of the few cishet boys in the class, as to be expected. I challenge and ask questions, often. the class almost never advanced after the first slide, we would get caught up in discussions. the discussions didn't end at class, the WhatsApp group was fuming, always running, 19\7. The discussions didn't end at the group, She and I would chat to the late hours of the night, after the teacher couldn't handle it anymore.

She convinced me god does not exist, and that it is okay, because we had each other. It took her 30 minutes to turn me from a questioner to an atheist.

She was so smart, and so funny, and so... beautiful. She was stunning. No makeup, no fancy clothes, she didn't look like a traditional model, and my parents openly called her ugly to my face.

They could never understand, She was beautiful.

I fell in love. I didn't know it at the time, I didn't recognize the feeling, I didn't know it, but now I do. I fell in love, I fell hard.

Then 8th grade. Covid hits. my grandma dies. I don't know what happened at her side, but shit hit the bottom as well. We fell into a deep depression, both of us. There were weeks at a time I would feel nothing. We would message a lot over that time, I was really sad, she was suicidal.

At 9th grade shit hit the fan, she called me, she didn't call me often by that point, only texted, so I was ecstatic.

"hey david"

"HEY WHAT'S UP? HOW ARE YOU?"

"david can I ask you something?"

"Sure..... what is it?"

"if i'm gone, will you be okay with it?"

"WTF?! NO! WTF? WHY WOULD YOU SAY IT? NO! NOT EVEN AS A JOKE!"

"please"

"NO! AYALA! YOU ARE NOT DYING ON ME"

*hangs up*

I call her mother. It took me 15 minutes to call her, I didn't have her number, Ayala didn't give it to me, and none of my friends had it. I found it 15 minutes later in a "details" card I kept from a year before.

15 dreadful minutes

She responds, she tells me she's safe, she's with her, everything's fine, she knows she is suicidal, they are working on it, thanks for calling

A month later they tell me they are non-binary, and that their name is now Ash. I am shocked. I ask them if I could still refer to them in the female. They say that in hebrew, yes, but to use "they" in english.

Their messages get less frequent

2 months later I get a call from her mom. They tell me she tried to suicide. she took an overdose of pills, and then called the hospital on herself. She is fine, but she is put in the mental hospital for the time being. No phone contact

3 months later, I get a text. "Hi, sorry for being distant, I got my phone back, for a while. I wanted to tell you that the reason I called the ambulance is that I didn't want you to be hurt, or for my cat to be hurt"

They don't respond to any of my texts. I send them memes, and drawings, and get-well-soons. I pray for them every night. I get the occasional text, once a month roughly. "ha ha", "nice one", "use the masculine next time or this will be the last time I text". I didn't even know it bothered them

I finally changed their handle on my phone. I changed it to "Ash (male) GoodHuman". I knew their family name, of course, but it didn't matter, what mattered is that I miss the GoodHuman.

Then... a year passes, and a few months more, they haven't written a text in what seemed like forever.

"Hey david, sorry for ghosting you, It was too difficult responding, I love your texts, and I will try to text you more often"

so we continue to text. turns out, they cut their hair short. they switched to cargo pants and leather, no more blue hoodie. They wore a fedora now, and had new glasses

They had a new boyfriend.

I do not remember their name, I am afraid to go look if I'm honest. I don't like the guy, he seems way too controlling, and way too sure of himself, and way too... too dumb for them. But they were happy, and after the last couple of years, it's been good enough knowing that they were happy

They texted from his phone sometimes. he switched and talked to me sometimes.

I meant to sent her something by mail. I knew the city, but not the address, so I asked.

They told me "Oh didn't I tell you? My parents got divorced. My mom couldn't handle me being trans, my dad could. I live with him now"

They give me the address

It's so close. So absurdly close. Not in my city, but my city borders a field, and the field connects to another city. I lived on the entrance to the field, they lived on the other. Half an hour by bike.

So they invite me over, and I bike. I bike like mad, I didn't know the path, it didn't matter, I rolled through the thorns, they couldn't hurt me, we are about to meet again.

And we met, and we talked, and we watched a musical, and we played, and recited plays, and sand songs, and we riddled each other riddles, and we played philosophy, and it was suddenly like the old times came back.

I asked how was it going with the boyfriend. They told me they actually were polyamorous, and if I wanted, we could have sex right there and then, her father wasn't home.

I suddenly realized... the years have changed me. I say no.

It was getting late, so I went to take my bike and... the thorns punctured them. I didn't even think to look. I waited for their father to return to bring me home, and promised: next time in my house. They gave me an origami frog. I still have it

Their father came later. he drove me back, but by the time we got home, my mother asked where I've been.

I lied. My mother hated Ash, and still called them Ayala. I don't remember my lie, I am pretty sure she knew exactly what happened, but we never talked about that.

Stuff went well for a while, then...

We went into a gender studies discussion. It went as usual, then they said "yeah, but all men are rapists".

"I'm a man"

no comment

"Ash, I ask you to back down, this hurts me a lot"

They doubled down. I don't remember what they said. I remember I shed a tear for the first time since my grandma died and say "If you want to talk with me again, back down, if not, I will not engage again"

I assumed they'd back down in a day. In 2 tops. Every day I'd check the chat, still empty.

5 months later: "I am not backing down, but it shouldn't affect our relationship-"

I stop reading

I write some "professional speech" bs about me being able to accept an apology whenever they'd like, but I cannot continue like this, and wish them the best

This is the last message in our chat

Often I ask myself if I was too dramatic, If this was too much, If I should have accepted it for our friendship. I don't know the answer

This was a year ago. more, actually. They never came for the "next time in my house". The friends who keep in touch with both of us say they are still with the same boyfriend. they colored their hair. they are trying to pass school, but having a hard time with math.

I pray they are still okay

[robo--homo]

How to make friends

So I have a superpower: I am incredibly good at making friends with strangers. I can and have gone to bars/parties/events and, in the space of a couple hours, assembled a group of people to talk to out of complete strangers. All of my current friends are people I've met this way, including my best friend of a year who helped me get my job.

I want to give this super power to people, but it involved a LOT of therapy and restructuring my world view. Still; I am autistic and have social anxiety, so please don't think it's something you're not also capable of. At the very least, I can try and give advice for how I approach random people and turn them into friends. May you twist it and use it however it will help you.

Find a place for meeting people.

This is, of course, the first step. Find a place where people go TO meet people. Gay bars work great so long as it's not too loud you can't talk. You do not have to drink. You can go to straight bars if you're into that (this is a joke). Art exhibits. Poetry readings. Open mic nights. Parties. Anywhere that many people come and exist together on purpose. Coffee shops won't do it if there's not an event- most people don't go to coffee shops without a purpose, including "I'm going to sit here alone in peace". That being said, give it a try anyways; if there's one thing I've found in all my time doing this, it's that people are remarkably open to friendly conversation.

Find someone who's alone.

Maybe you can relate to this: you go out to one of these places, maybe you find a seat at a bar, thinking tonight I'm gonna make friends, and then nothing happens. You don't know how. You're too nervous. Have you ever felt like that? Then DING DING DING, congrats, you now know that other people feel like that. Use this to your advantage! Find someone sitting or standing around on their own and approach THEM. If you can muster up that confidence, other people will be so grateful you are able to initiate. You can absolutely approach groups, but I find that finding singular people is easier especially the first few times you try this.

Compliment and question.

Most people love a) getting complimented and b) talking about themself. It is human nature. Either one of these things will get you the kind of response you want, so find something you like about a person or even just something you think is interesting. "I like your Dr. Who shirt! Who's your favorite doctor?" "What's your drink of choice?" "Your hair is so pretty! Did you dye it yourself?" "Have you been to one of these events before?" Do some thinking before you approach and feeling prepared will help you bolster your nerves. Have a few more canned questions to move the conversation along once you've started (if it doesn't flow naturally): what do you do for work, hobbies, etc.

Don't be afraid of clear communication.

Even the most neurotypical cishet will usually respond well to you being open and honest about what you want; queer neurodivergent people will respond spectacularly. "Are you here with friends? Would you like a friend?" "Hey, is it okay if I sit with you? I'm just looking for someone to chat with." Etc. "Is it okay if I join you guys?" "I'm just trying to meet people." People love when you're clear with your intentions. This works for dating, too; I got my last boyfriend by going up to him at a dance club and saying "I can't figure out how to flirt with you but you're really hot."

Be prepared to bail.

I will not lie to you and say this approach works perfectly every time. That's not how people work; sometimes the vibes are weird, sometimes the other person ISN'T in the mood to make a friend, sometimes you're not meant to be friends. Again, having something in your back pocket will help you. Come up with a lie beforehand; pull out your phone and pretend to check a text, "Oh, my friend is looking for me, sorry!" "I didn't realize what time it is! I have to go!" Be polite! We're all robots programmed to give certain outputs, so even if you don't have a lie, just going, "Well, it was nice to meet you! Have a fun night!" can give you a perfectly acceptable way to leave.

Try, try again.

Out of the nine billion or so people on the planet, you're probably not gonna like half of them. Much like there are many fish in the sea, there are many friends! And some of them have nothing in common with you, or just don't match up with what you want. You have to go into this prepared to do it over and over again, because it can take a while to find the people with the heart of gold you will cherish for the rest of your life.

Remember: No one cares.

My personal litany against social anxiety is 'nobody will remember you.' It sounds bleak, but in terms of your little mess ups, it's extremely true! No one will remember if you spilled something on yourself. No one will remember if you stuttered a lot, or you said something awkward, or if you approached them and it went super terribly and you had to stumble away apologizing. At the very most, you are a funny tale of a stranger, but think about your own experiences from the other side- can you actually name any times that another person did any of these things in front of you? We don't record life's little mess ups in other people. A lot of times we straight up don't even notice them. The thing you are the most anxious about in yourself, there's a good chance no one else cares. Be kind to yourself. Worry a little less about the little things.

Like I said at the beginning, a lot of it is world view. I have found through my experiences that people are generally good, or at least generally friendly. Your experiences will be different, but maybe try thinking about things my way for a little bit. Humans are social animals. I talk to people on buses, in lines at stores, at coffee shops, everywhere. It's not just for making friends; a lot of these people are wildly different from me and I will never see longer than a few minutes, but it makes me feel more connected and more generally happy with the state of existence. Weird, funny little interactions still fill up your social meter, and they can make you feel like the world is a kinder place.

[doueverwonder]

For that character ask, Poland #0

sorry this took so long! I've had a busy weekend 😅

#0 All numbers in the list!

1, what would their social media page/activity be like

A mix of Straight girl and history obsessed white cishet guy.

He has "You have to try this Starbucks secret menu item!!!!" and *inaccurate history meme taken from reddit* right next to each other.

also Christian memes and horse girl memes.

2, What animal they remind me of

a cat actually; like, how dare you ignore him but also how DARE you bother him when he doesn't want to be bothered.

3, my thoughts on their design/aesthetic alone

canon Poland looks like his name is Stephanie and he's a wine mom who says "I'm doing this for my crowns in heaven!" whenever doing a favor for someone.

Fanon Poland Is amazing I love him, we all really went "This man is actually a walking thrift store but in a good way" and it works amazingly on him.

4, physical headcanons

he sleeps with like 7-12 pillows. It drove Liet insane when they were married.

when he's home alone he THROWS every door open looks around suspiciously then makes a mad dash to whatever other room he needs to go to. my guy DOES NOT linger in hallways.

hates knitted stuff on his skin. Can't wear sweaters without a long sleeve shirt under them, loves the knitted crop top look, can't commit to wearing them for more than 5 min.

everyone thinks he's a 17 step morning routine person; his darkest secret is he owns 1 watered down face wash and uses 3 in 1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash.

5, Social Headcanons

The Friend Group(TM) consists of Lithuania, Latvia, Prussia, Estonia, Hungary, Finland, Czechia, Slovakia, and Belarus.

"If we're gonna go out we should get the whole group together!!"

individually;

Lithuania: The Ex Husband, the boyfriend, the mom friend he's literally a 3 in 1, it's great. LietPol is one of my "Soulmates in more than 1 flavor," examples, they're stuck together. Whether it's romantic, platonic, or somethign you need a whole fic to explain.

Latvia: The little brother that tags along so much you accidentally become friends with him too. Feliks loves Raivis, they're buddies. They 100% sincerely pray for each other, like "Hey this is happening, could you pray for me?" "Of course <3"

Prussia: The former enemy. They're friends now but Feliks is still super snarky to him. "I'll pray for you <3" but condescending and unsolicited. They fuck sometimes ngl.

Estonia: Feliks takes one look at Kalev and just!!! Look at this little nerd!!! He needs friends!! I'll take pity on him and be his friend!!! Feliks is just as nerdy and knows it, but like,,, still calls Kalev a nerd, lovingly ofc.

Hungary: THE RIDE OR DIE. The shared experience of being genderqueer and horse girls. Feliks would die for Erzí, Erzsébet would die for Feliks. They complain and brag about their bf's and Erzí talks about his kids while Feliks (depending on the day) cements himself further into "I'm never having kids" or "I want a baby so badly :(((((("

Finland: Feliks straight up does not remember becoming friends with Kasper. He just knows one day Kasper tagged along with Kalev and Erzí and then they became friends? Tbh more than anything is just "Erzí and Kalev's little brother"

Czechia: his relationship with Adéla can be summed up in "I wouldn't take a bullet for you bc If I have time to jump in front of it you have time to move" but like, he would actually take a bullet for her. Tbh they really only hang out at like 3 am when drunk.

Slovakia: i... don't actually have hc on them yet.

Belarus: Feliks is actually 2 seconds away from adopting Natalya. He's gonna be her new dad and he's going to raise her right. Feliks relationship with Natalya is really complicated, but he does really feel bad for her and has moments of "I could save her from everything probably"

Psychologic headcanons

Has to be surrounded by people at all times. He has 'safety in numbers' drilled into his subconscious.

has APD, It made learning to read really hard, and like you can't talk to him in a noisy room bc your voice and that fork clinking on the plate over there are the same sound sorry :\

has nightmares so often he started taking nyquill every night so he sleeps through them bc no I don't have time for this.

7, ships with them that I like or at least consider

LietPol, legit did not think about this two until I started following 2 specific people I will let you all guess who they are.

PruPol, i have to be a specific angsty/slap-hCppy mood to enjoy it tho.

8, Made up connections with other characters that weren't in canon

I think I accidentally answered this one with #5

9, Headcanons about their past

Feliks is one of the few nations to have both human parents (Japan is one of the others I have rn) he was only a few months old physically when his father died, and 2-ish when his mother died.

They didn't throw him out. After their parents died, his younger brother (a human) took him. Generation after generation they took care of this little mystical being.

Most nations born to humans are thrown out as curses. Feliks' family called him a blessing, some family members even claimed he was their guardian angel.

Generation after generation they took care of him, they loved him so much.

A tragedy struck, they all died. He buried them all himself. He laid next to the graves and cried for days, he begged God to kill him.

He was only physically eleven years old.

He didn't know what he was, but he had bought into the guardian angel thing. He thought he had failed. Eventually he got up and moved on, he left just wandering...

Then he met Liet... found out he wasn't alone.

10, Content about them I'd like to see more of

tbh more platonic PolHun, I love them <3

[cazort]

I find it really off-putting when people post online asking for a specific type of attention, but then they only appreciate or value that attention if it's from specific people or groups. It's especially bad when people repeatedly post complaining about (respectful and positive) attention from people in their non-target group.

My blog is unconditionally inclusive. If I post something and you like it and it resonates with you, and you engage positively with it, then I don't care who you are, I'm grateful that you have engaged with it. If I post a selfie and you think it's cute and you want to give me (respectful) attention or compliments on it, then I don't care who you are, I don't care if I find you attractive or not, I appreciate your compliments and attention. Whether or not the engagement feels comfortable to me is not about who you are, it's about how you engage. Me finding you attractive does not give you license to leave a rude or harassing comment (hint: it will also probably kill the attraction pretty fast.) If I write a personal text post, and you empathize with it, I don't care who you are, if you empathize with it because you are similar to me, or if you are very different from me and yet there is still a common thread with your own life, or maybe there is no common thread but you still relate because you understand the way I explained myself, regardless of why you relate, it's a beautiful thing and I appreciate it. Or if I'm selling a product or service, and you're not in my target demographic and/or you don't have the money to pay, but you still think it's cool that I'm doing what I'm doing, and you reblog something, then hey, I'm grateful, you're giving me free advertising. It's not like I only talk to potential clients or customers when I'm running a business, I'll talk to anyone, that's how you do business! I can't count how many big business deals I've gotten through casual friendships where a friend eventually referred me to someone who became a big client.

When people seem to only want certain types of attention from people, especially when they put up with specific types of attention from specific people that they would find rude, harassing, or unwanted from other people, this rubs me the wrong way. It's judging people by identity rather than behavior, and it strikes me as kinda tribalist. Like "I'm queer you're queer so you can be a dick but fuck that cishet person for just existing." like hello no just no. I don't care whether you're queer or cishet or whatever, I just want you to be decent to me and to others. Or "you can be a dick to me but only if you have money". Like okay it's one thing to live this way because you're forced to, but to come out and say it? That's kinda an asshole move right there and it doesn't exactly set up good incentives.

It absolutely blows my mind how many people flaunt the fact that they only want attention from certain people, on their blogs. Isn't this rude? I find it rude, whether or not I'm in the "desireable" group. Like you like me only because I'm neurodivergent? Only because I'm nonbinary or queer? It's almost fetishizing me. And with money it's even weirder, you only talk to me because I have money? How disgusting is that, no one with money wants to be approached that way. Or you only talk to me because I don't have too much money? Now you create a weird incentive for people to pretend to be poorer than they actually are, which of course people do. Stop, just stop.

Like...whether it's people with a certain identity only wanting other people with that identity to interact with them, or it's people sharing memes or posts denigrating or devaluing the attention they are getting on their selfies or other posts because it comes from people they don't find attractive or aren't romantically interested in, it's just rude. Or people who run a business and repeatedly post about how they only want to interact with people who have money. And it boggles my mind that people think it's okay to share content like this.

To me, it's not. It makes me unfollow. It makes me feel profoundly uncomfortable with you on a human level. It's just not nice, like...you share stuff like that it is telling me you are just not a very nice person.

Like in what world was this ever okay? It's never been okay to me.

[vanthylomide]

I had a friend who is cishet and on the aroace spectrum. They had trouble knowing if they were queer/ welcome in the queer community because of others judgement upon them, they felt they were being judged for being cishet.

I had mentioned to another queer friend, how this friend was feeling, and their response was that they didn't believe the cishet person was aroace. Didn't believe they were queer and claimed they were just trying to invade the space, and even if they were aroace, it didn't matter, because they were cishet, and cishets cant be in the community.

A cis queer said that. It was perplexing for me to hear, because ...what?

Thats what peoples excuse is. The person is cishet (or even just het.)

But that's of course not all it boils down to.

It's aphobia.

It's ignorance to the split attraction model, something that a lot of aspec people find helpful and validating for expressing their experiences and self.

It's ignorance and denial to the struggles aspec people face.

(and I think something should be said about how allo people dismiss this discrimination and act like its not a thing while being in a position of favour in an allo/amatonormative world.)

I don't know if anybody needs to hear this, but:

What makes somebody else queer might not be what makes you queer. That is completely okay. Nothing is wrong with that.

When people gatekeep queerness, you know what comes to mind? That one saying about how 'somebody will pick on you because they're insecure in themself'.

I think that can be applied to a lot of these situations.

I get the impression some people believe if a person whos identity contradicts their own in some way is valid then theirs must be invalid. They invalidate the others in order to validate themself.

But the truth is they don't invalidate each other. Their identity is theirs and yours is yours. It's completely personal and if you feel you're being effected by theirs for no other reason other than because its there, that's not their fault.

Your priority should be validating yourself, not invalidating others. Identity is a personal experience, not a wrong or right one.

Marginalized groups can contribute to the oppression of other marginalized groups, your status as a minority does not cancel out your ability to cause harm and it doesn't make what privileges you do have obsolete. Everybody has biases to some extent, it's too embedded to avoid, but it is possible to unlearn.

Having privilege is also not something to disassociate yourself from. It's a lack of oppression. It isn't an indication of your morality. What you do with it is what matters. You can use it not just for yourself but to help others who don't have that.

Your privileges also don't cancel out oppression you may face.

Cis queer people are obviously welcome in the community, and people seem to forget that trans het people exist and they are welcome too.

There are queer people who are cis, there are queer people who are straight. That's a fact. (even though some people seem to completely forget about trans het people)

So I dont believe people who gatekeep aspec cishets from the community are doing so solely because they are cis/het. It's because they don't view aro/ace people as queer.

If we can acknowledge that sex and gender are different and a spectrum, We can acknowledge sexual and romantic orientation is that way as well. It's not a straight line.

no facet of ones identity invalidates another part of it. They can co-exist as well.

Aspec people are queer.

Being cishet does not take away that queerness either.

They are all queer enough.

Aphobia is queerphobia

Asexual folks are no “less Queer”.

Aromantic folks are no “less Queer”.

Bi/Mspec folks are no “less Queer”.

We’re all just as Queer as any other Queer person.

[dreamerandthedarkhalf]

Queer and Community

A friend attended their first meeting for an online book club this evening and came back with a question for me. "What is your reaction to people using the term queer? And not straight people using it, or the word intended as a slur. But folks in the community using it as an identifier?" This was our conversation: me: Queer is the only term that is all-inclusive to everyone who isn't cishet. I'm frustrated and annoyed that our own community wants to say it's a slur and not use it and continue to reinforce further segregation. Not using queer is forcing people to choose tiny buckets to fit themselves in when that was never the intent of the queer community as a whole. We switched over to LG and the BT and then just kept adding letters after that which only makes it harder to be a single, united community. And at the very least, if people wanted to use an acronym, they could have at least used QUILTBAG, which is far easier to type and say, but it puts Gay men last and we certainly can't have that :/ her: Thank you. I appreciate that. That's the term I use for myself (because bi, pan, demi...I don't know they keep changing it on me) and I tend to use it for the community because I find it all inclusive, like you said. So my class was forming smaller discussion groups, and a large chunk of us are queer. So this person got the group created and just labeled it "queer". And a few people were super upset. So of course I've been worrying all day that I've been terribly offending others with my choice of words. And maybe I am, but i also feel like I'm allowed to use that word? I really appreciate your answer. me: So it's generally the VERY young amongst us who like to cry "queer is a slur!" because that's what's being pushed on them right now. The TERFs know what they're doing, and they're part of the red hats. They are sewing discord into the minds of the very young and malleable because those young have no concept of queer history. They look at the Legend of Korra and scoff at those of us who /freaked out at the representation/ because it wasn't good enough for them. It wasn't enough for them. Because they have grown up in a world where you WON'T be dishonorably discharged from the military for having a same-sex spouse. They have grown up in a world where you have shows like the new She-Ra or Schitt's Creek or literally fucking anything. And they don't understand the history. How hard we've fought for just what we have. And how quickly it can all be taken away (thanks SCOTUS). Whether they know it or not, those who want us to keep putting ourselves into littler and littler buckets are just trying to separate us so we are NOT a unified community. It is much, much easier to get smaller groups to attack each other than it is to fend off all of those groups united against them. her: It was really upsetting to me, honestly, how quickly it turned into that? Like I was so happy so many were like "let's make an intersecting queer group" because I suppose people weren't shouting that 20yrs ago. And then so fast there was in group "fighting" about, what I feel, was kind of trivial? me: I think it's an important conversation/discussion to have and I do genuinely worry about the future of our rights, and our LIVES, if we don't find more common ground to stand together again. But right now, it feels like everyone is so focused on their own individual portion that they forget we are all here TOGETHER. And only TOGETHER will we make all our lives better and more diverse and accepting. We can't keep pigeon-holing ourselves and allowing small-minded/small-hearted people to force more laws to take more of our lives away. So to those of you out there who are upset about using the word "queer", I'd like you to take some time to do some internal soul-searching. Who benefits from you gatekeeping and attacking other members of your own community? Because representation is important, absolutely, but so is standing together and knowing that EVERY TERM has been used as a slur against us.

[wonderneverlandsystem]

TW/CW// Brief mentions of Homophobia, Transphobia, and Islamophobia, Mentions of Abuse, Racism, and general fandom idiocy

If you replace a poc with someone else, lets say another minority, and it is obvious that they r a minority, like they r wearing pride flag stuff, they're wearing a hijab, etc. and something vague that someone says about that person, like. idk. about them not being the kinda person you should hang around with. and you would call that person homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, etc. for saying that about the person? It isn't bigotry. If the statement could be applied to anyone. Then it isn't bigotry.

Yes this is about Billy Hargrove. Also YOU GUYS HAVE NO CLUE WHAT CONTEXT MEANS AND IT SHOWS. Max literally yelled at Lucas IN FRONT OF BILLY. HE WAS LIKE 20 FEET AWAY WATCHING AND LISTENING TO THE FIGHT. She yelled at him that he makes her feel like shit/that he treats her like shit. And whether u wanna admit it or not, Billy does care about Max. And even if he didn't, he is forced to take care of her. He has to be the parent. SO WHY THE HELL. After hearing that this random boy he's never met, treats his little sister who he cares about and is forced to be responsible for, like shit. Would he NOT tell her that there are some people you shouldn't be around. And that that boy is one of them. And in the Byer house where he sees her with Lucas again, AFTER HE WAS JUST ABUSED BECAUSE SHE RAN AWAY, of fucking course he's gonna target Lucas and not one of the other boys. He hasn't seen them with Max, he has no reason to thing of them as being bad influences or harmful.

And fuck no it doesn't excuse his actions or make them okay. He still attacked a 13/14 (don't remember their exact age) yr old. But nothing about his words or actions are explicitly, outwardly, whatever word u wanna use, racist. And even if he is racist (which by the way, every yt person, especially/specifically in America has institutionalized racism at the very least which takes a long time, and lots of education to break down, which isn't gonna fucking happen when u live in an abusive household where you have other things you have to focus on so you and ur kid sister don't fucking die, especially in the 80's), Max never fucking says anything about it. Even if what he said or did was racist, Max never said or did anything. Obviously I could understand her not saying anything to Billy because she might think he'd get angry. But she never goes to Lucas trying to comfort him, apologize for Billy's behavior, anything.

While I'm on the topic I might as well bring up the fact that NO ONE IN THE SHOW. EVER FUCKING TREATS LUCAS WITH RESPECT OR UNDERSTANDING IN RELATION TO HIS STRUGGLES WITH BEING A BLACK TEENAGER IN THE 80'S. In season 1, he gets SO MUCH shit from the fandom for not trusting Jane/El. A random girl who showed up out of no where, who, through no fault of her own, brings a bunch of dangerous ppl coming after the group. And basically no one gives Mike any shit for doing the same thing to Max in season 2. In season 4 when he is trying to fit in, to not be seen as a weirdo, outcast, freak, etc. So fucking many people treated him like he's an asshole for that. He is a black 15 yr old boy in the fucking 80's. In a town that is predominantly white. Where all of his friends are white. Most of the people at his school, are white. Of fucking course he's gonna do whatever he can to "fit in" and stay with the popular crowd. Not doing that would put even more of a target on his back. I'm so happy they put in that brief moment at Benny's where the only other black person on the team and at the house comes over to tell him it will be okay after the police show up. That he's not gonna be in trouble. Despite a good portion of the fandom being really diverse, be it queer, poc, etc. so many of y'all put the cishet yt characters on a pedestal and either ignore or straight up shit on the few queer characters & poc characters.

That's the end of my fucking rant for now. I'm tired. Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk. night guys.

[hms-no-fun]

if you don't mind me asking, how did you know you were polyamorous? how did you talk to your partner about being poly?

honestly it just sorta happened?

thing is, i've never been very good in monogamous relationships for a number of reasons. i'm extremely grey-asexual, and was even more so before i started HRT. and i found the idea that i had to be everything my partner needed very, uh. stressful. i swore off relationships for a number of years in my late 20s because i convinced myself i had to be aromantic and just couldn't really be with other people healthily.

my first post-transition gf was already dating someone else when we met, and she was openly poly. when things first started to seem like they might get, idk, "serious" between us, we did a group chat with her partner and just kinda talked it through. for whatever reason i never had a problem with it. frankly it felt natural. i'm not a jealous person, and i was uncomfortable with the presumption that i was supposed to be jealous. like if i found another person attractive that was shameful, or if someone showed attraction towards my partner that was an insult???? i mean it depends on the situation of course but like, god cishets really do seem to think that a human person is always in total control of their thoughts and the movement of their eyes, neither of which is basically ever true but they're ESPECIALLY not true when you're under pressure to never commit thought crime against [checks notes] a person you presumably want to spend a significant amount of time with?? christ, imagine having a relationship that fragile, that tense. exhausting!

obviously, this is a conversation. every relationship is different. my gf and i discussed our boundaries and felt like, casual sex is fine, but if we start feeling like someone might be a new Big Relationship Person we should talk it out first. not in a judgy "i'm telling you what to do" way, but just. idk, a new partner tends to eat time, and that's great! but it's also easy to get carried away and grow neglectful. it's a negotiation more about time and commitment and etc etc that changes shape every time. there's nothing threatening to it imo

i'm a reclusive person. i need my own time and my own space. being poly comes naturally to me because i always found monogamous relationships tiresome. i'd literally dream of being in a relationship where i didn't have to be everything, where i could watch my partner and someone else be cute together and be both extremely happy that she's happy, AND extremely relieved that i don't have to make myself be affectionate all the time when i'm just not feeling up for it.

and like. i met my second gf because she was dating a girl i had a crush on who had a crush on me. after getting to know that girl better i felt like, idk, i don't know if i want to DATE her, but i still want to be good friends. i think our current setup, as i guess "metamours", is the ideal relationship. i've got my two gfs, i've got my gf's gf, i'm surrounded by smart and sexy women who care about me and it rules!

i always struggled to understand why romantic feelings were so contentious for other people. i remember expressing to a friend that i had a crush on him when we were in high school and he FLIPPED SHIT, and i had to run it back super hard and play it off as a joke. but it didn't make sense to me that he'd be offended because, idk, doesn't everyone fall a little bit in love with the people they spend all their time with? isn't it normal for good friends to want to platonically kiss a little after a good game of halo 3? took me a VERY long time to learn that no, actually, apparently they don't. it was always so torturous to feel like, man, i have this crush and i know it's not gonna go anywhere, but if i don't say it out loud and just find out for sure how they feel, i'll never be able to let it go... then again IF i say it then there's a better than zero chance that they'll hate me forever, suddenly, for some reason. to me they were just feelings, weird little chemical jolts that give you funny thoughts, and yet to other people they seemed as real as a knife to the throat. so i got into the habit of never expressing those feelings. very good and healthy behavior our society encourages

i never understood why no one believed me when i said that if you don't feel the same way about me as i feel about you, that's fine. not long after i came out as trans, i told a girl i spent a lot of time with that i had a crush on her, and she was like... well, she expressed disappointment because she'd told me not a week before that she wasn't a lesbian and really disliked how often she got pegged as a lesbian. which was surreal because i was still like, baby baby baby trans and i hadn't put those twos together. she took my gender more seriously than i did! and we pretty much stopped being friends after that, which was such a bummer.

so polyamory comes naturally to me. it feels like the way i always wanted relationships to work but dared never dream they realistically could. it helps that i'm almost 33 and just generally fucking Over It vis-a-vis traditional romantic bullshit. i always hated small talk and dating, performing the ritual of Getting To Know Each Other. the person you put on when you want someone to like you isn't really you and i always knew that. i've never been capable of being anyone other than myself and it's just, it's SO nice to be with people who are just as easygoing about relationships as i am.

love isn't a commodity, it isn't scarce, and it isn't a zero sum game.

polyamory isn't easy, of course. it requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that, i mean, is just as necessary in monogamous relationships too? but monogamous relationships tend to come with the assumption of pretending to love each other for the sake of their financial-biological business arrangement ("marriage"), at least in my experience. so they're "easy" in the sense that we have a common cultural understanding of what a marriage is supposed to look like (blissfully happy or bitterly resentful, nothing in between). we don't have centuries of polyam stories to tell us how we're supposed to hate each other- ugh sorry i'm being really salty here lmao. we don't have centuries of polyam stories to tell us what a polycule is "supposed" to look like, so you kinda have to invent it yourself. that requires honest conversation and a LOT of patience, which i say again is sort of a prerequisite for any healthy relationship but we live in a fucking insane society that thinks love is a glory hole that cooks dinner for you, so i guess polyamory has a reputation as being "harder." i don't think it is.

it's just like anything in life, really. you work at it and sometimes the work pays off and sometimes it doesn't. you fuck it up over and over until you don't. there are shitty people who will use any system or dynamic to get what they want out of others, but that's not a result of being with multiple people, that's a result of being raised by aforementioned fucking insane society and, generally, a shitty person being true to their nature.

[rivetgoth]

Sorry I didn’t read close enough before asking But damn I didn’t expect so much advice, but like one of my biggest problems is I’m monogamous. Based on talking to my friends and just my interactions in the LGBTQ+ community in general I’d say most gay men are not monogamous and even in committed relationships tend to have a third and participate in group situations that I’m not comfortable with and never will be comfortable with. I already have being trans against me but when you add the dating/hooking up with one person at a time to it it’s so fucked. I’ve been attracted to other transmen but generally I don’t know if my dysphoria could take being with one as well, I know I sound like a bastard but it’s just where I’m at. Not to get pathetic and stuff but while who I am inside has always been masculine and my body generally matches it now I’ve never opened up to polyamory or polycules and I feel like there’s something wrong with me as a man for being that way.

Look dude, I genuinely don't mean this rudely but I seriously am not sure where you are that you think that polyamory or nonmonogamy is like, a default expectation for men because it REALLY isn't. The idea that gay men aren't interested in monogamous committed relationships and are only thinking about sex and hooking up is sort of a stereotype, like obviously many ARE into hookups or just casual sex, as are plenty of women and straight people of both genders as well, but there are sooooo many men with the exact same feelings as you, who are looking to settle down with somebody that they love. If it helps at all I was looking for some statistics to back up my lived experiences and a study from last year suggested about 30% of gay men are in open relationships, which is obviously a minority -- higher than heterosexual couples, yes, but to be blunt, of course a community built from sexual oppression and subjugation meant to celebrate nonnormative sex is going to have a higher amount of people who are into these things, thinking about "relationship anarchy" and reframing the idea of sex and relationship as something meant for pleasure and exploration rather than for the cishetero nuclear family. But it's still not even 50:50. Put into perspective then that if you met 10 gay guys, roughly 3 of them would be into open relationships. And even amongst that 30% there's a wide variety of how that openness actually plays out.

Honestly unless you're in some really specific kinky spaces IRL or actually actively seeking out the gay hookup or cruising scene I would say that in basically all of general society (including the mainstream LGBT community) monogamy is still the standard expectation and anything outside of that is viewed as a deviation from the norm. I also think that the vast, vast majority of men would be kinda puzzled to hear the suggestion that being down with polyamory or polycules is some sort of expectation for masculinity, that's not even true in mainstream cishet society where a man being a good husband to his wife is wayyyy more prioritized than the kinda stereotypical frat guy sleeping around with girls, which stops being cute to like 99% of people the moment he's like, over the age of 21. Idk, man. I do not think you sound like a bastard or pathetic and I've been in spots pretty similar to yours I think, like I said in my last reply it's really fucking hard navigating relationships and self esteem and dysphoria and safety and risk taking as a trans person, and it can feel super hopeless if you haven't had much luck. I definitely have been in places in my life where I would not have been comfortable dating another trans person, because my own insecurities and dysphoria was just too bad and I KNOW I would have projected it onto them and either ended up insecure about myself or bitter towards them. Knowing yourself is important and knowing what would be unhealthy for both you and a potential partner is good. But I think I'd honestly suggest engaging more with IRL gay social spaces in general and talking to more gay men, both trans and cis. Or just engaging more and more with the LGBT community in general IRL. This sounds kinda mean maybe but I think the whole polyamory/multiple partners thing is actually more common to see amongst online gays in part because most people are long distance, so that can also sorta skew your view of these things. You would be surprised to realize how incredibly common it is to find men who are just looking for love and a connection and a committed relationship with someone who they care about, many of whom may even feel equally ostracized from certain LGBT spaces that are more kink or sex oriented.

[fatpinkbitch]

I find a lot of the online queer discourse so weird?? Like my gf is a non-binary ace-spec lesbian and I'm non-binary grey ace/demisexual biromantic disaster, and my closest handful of friends are a mostly cis lesbian, a gay cis man, a gay non-binary person, a cis bisexual who leans more towards men and AMABs, and a cishet man.

I met my gf in secondary school, my oldest friend in primary school, three of these people through uni (none of them on my courses) and the cishet guy through tinder before I got with my gf.

Like 97% of my wider friend circle are some flavour of queer- we naturally seem to flock together and find each other. I've only once been part of a "queer friend group" at uni and they all ditched me and my cis gay friend and ended up being shitty to us because they were super exclusionary and all white, middle class, AFABs (my cis gay friend is a poc and I'm white but working class af). That group wanted to live in a self contained bubble and that's not really how the world works if you wanna be a functional adult.

I've gone off point a bit, but none of my friends are exclusionary- I'm the connecting dot between my friends but the reason they are my friends is because they're genuinely lovely kind people who don't care about labels and shit. Real life grown up queers acknowledge that we live in a predominantly cishet world, and we stick together and don't exclude each other for not being or not being cis, or for being bi, or on the acey side of queer. When I get my little ragtag bunch of people together for my birthdays we all get on and have a laugh and even though they don't know each other well they all get on and I can feel their love for me and our bonding over shared issues. They also all accepted my cishet guy friend, no questions asked. "He's Kat's friend, so he must be decent, so we're all gonna be nice to him" seems to be the general vibe and it's lovely.

Sorry if this is rambly and doesn't make much sense, but basically I find the discourse and exclusionism of online queer communities so weird because in real life its not like that- at the smaller gay clubs we all mix and mingle, in physical spaces we all unite over the fact that we are some flavour of queer, and if non queer people enter the space we're all respectful of each other. I know that's not always the case, but mostly we all just blend and come together, in my experience.

I get that for a lot of queers online communities are the only true safe spaces- if it wasn't for tumblr I'd probably still be convincing myself I was straight and cis! But don't push each other out. Unless someone is transphobic/homophobic/biphobic/acephobic/racist/ableist/generally shitty, allow them in. We all belong in the LGBTQIA community and infighting can be really harmful.

If you're not cis or het you belong, I promise. Stop shitting on bi people, on ace people, on trans/non-binary/gender non conforming people. The more divided we are the easier it is to turn against each other, when we should be supporting each other instead.

Also don't be too disheartened if that queer friend group turns out to suck- there are better people out there, I swear.

Also don't get too sucked into the discourse. It's important to develop your own opinions and critical thinking skills, and it can be too easy to fall into the vacuum of "all men are bad, all cis people suck, aces aren't really part of the community, bi people cheat/are fakers" and all those other shitty views designed to divide us. The real world is messy and complicated and yeah, some people suck, but not everyone does and if you can find your people you'll be okay! It might take time, you might lose and gain friends here and there, but you will get there!

Also, it's okay to change labels! I identified as grey ace/demisexual at first aged 20ish, then pansexual at 21ish, then finally bisexual at 22, and then eventually realised I was non-binary at 24! Now I know I'm a funky flavourful mix of these things, and that's okay!

I just wish I'd known all this stuff 10 years ago tbh. Maybe it wouldn't have taken me so long to figure out who I am, maybe it would have saved me a lot of heartache and anguish knowing that I can just call myself queer! (also the queer is a slur discourse is a whole other weird kettle of fish oh my goodness)

[catsnuggler]

I still don't get it.

I don't get why S, my childhood friend, decided to become a traitor, or even how, in particular, her morality and ideology changed to the point that treachery became second-nature to her. I don't understand, although I do know that she had been influenced by egoism. However, most egoists aren't traitors, so that isn't it, at least not in and of itself. She'd also been influenced, by what I can tell, by... baeddels, I think the word is? Afaik, they're basically a minute number of left-nationalist, social-conservative, predominantly white cell of transgender women, centered in Portland, who oppose non-white, non-transfeminine people, no matter if they are queer socialists or evangelical cishet nazis. But I don't know much about this group, so I may be incorrect. Either way, she abused and cheated on a disabled friend of mine, and ghosted me, so she clearly sent the message that we are enemies, even if she didn't bother to send a single word of explanation as to how and why we are.

However, K isn't even an enemy of mine. Morally and politically, we line up pretty squarely. We also shared many interests, even though we certainly had points of divergence. We'd had strife in the past, but had made up, and became friends again. However, she also ghosted me, and eventually, she blocked me.

I don't understand why S became my enemy, and I don't understand how K, who never became my enemy, and who is not my enemy now, ended our friendship. I would accept K's friendship again in a heartbeat, but I am thoroughly confused as to why I lost it. I am conflicted as to whether I would forgive S, however, or even bother listening instead of simply attacking her. She made life Hell for my friend, and betrayed me, so what use do I have for her? Yet I do believe in restorative justice and mercy, so it would behoove me to listen and consider her perspective before deciding on a course of action, preferring mercy, despite myself, to hold to the mercy I claim belief in. That being said, the likelihood that we will ever see each other again, let alone speak, is slim.

S, why did you do what you did? After all these years, why?

K, I don't consider you my enemy, and I am confused and feel rather hurt. If you fear I don't respect you, your relationship, my partner, and/or my relationship with my partner, you're mistaken. You know I have always valued loyalty to good people. You know I speak truly when I say I know you are a good person. You know I honor your loyalty to your spouse, and wouldn't seek to tarnish it. You know when I say I am loyal to my partner, I mean it, and would not betray the exclusive character of the relationship between my partner and myself. You must know, then, that when I say I wish we remained friends, and wish we could be friends again, I only mean platonic friendship, and nothing more. I'm not like S - granting you only ever heard about her from me. I am loyal. It's even a fault, at times, though not in this case. I just wish we were still friends, nothing more, and I don't understand why we are no longer friends, when we aren't enemies. That may sound dualistic, but we're decidedly not in the category of people who don't know each other and thus have no feelings either way toward each other. We know each other well, and I, for one, hold immense respect for you. I can only see treachery and enemy status as reasons for friendship ending, and since we're neither traitors nor enemies, I don't understand. I just don't.

[meggannn]

Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to go into it, but I wanted to ask, what did Bryan K. do? I tried Google and Tumblr search and even took a look on your blog (to be fair on mobile) but I got nothing.

i don’t follow him so i don’t know if he’s done anything recently, and i’m not sure what you’ve heard. if i had to guess why people are upset with him, aside from being a white guy heading a series about a pan-asian world, and the mediocre and occasionally offensive writing throughout LOK (not all of which I’m sure he is directly responsible for, but as a creative head, he still bears responsibility for) i would guess the reason why is because:

BK annoyed a lot of people just following LOK’s b4 finale, and i personally never really forgot it, so it is the one thing i'll remember when thinking about him, personally. people who were around in 2014 LOK fandom, or at least 2014 tumblr LOK fandom, will probably think of this interaction when they think of him.

when asami and korra ended LOK by holding hands, there was a lot of confusion—from all parts of fandom, including tumblr—on if walking into a spirit portal holding hands “counted” as becoming a couple or not. some people pointed out that kataang ended ATLA the same way ks did—alone together, looking at each other; criticizers thought that the difference was that kataang clearly kissed and ks didn’t, making it more ambiguous; other people thought the parallel was clear enough; other people thought that if it was meant to be clear, why not show ks kissing like kataang anyway? it went back and forth. ks shippers took the ending as confirmation, or as close to confirmation as fans were likely to get, but plenty of other people of ALL backgrounds were confused and/or irritated that the “lead up” could—and had been—mistaken for asami becoming korra’s best friend, not a developing romance. (i might as well admit i'm not biased, i fell on this side, but my interpretation of the fandom response here is that people were irritated not because they didn’t want ks to happen, but because they felt good representation shouldn’t have to be debated.)

BK and MDD both posted on tumblr to confirm ks was canon shortly after the finale: here’s MDD’s and here’s BK’s. this pair of lines from BK’s post stood out to a lot of people:

I love how their relationship arc took its time, through kindness and caring. If it seems out of the blue to you, I think a second viewing of the last two seasons would show that perhaps you were looking at it only through a hetero lens.

for people who thought that ks’s buildup was less buildup and more like a few scattered scenes of two dissimilar people occasionally talking, the last line in particular really pissed people off, because, of course, a lot of tumblr fandom is not cis or heterosexual—in fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find large groups of online fans less likely to be cishet anywhere else than here on tumblr. so it’s pretty rich for a white, (presumably) cishet guy to join tumblr, the fandom space that is most likely to be filled with the groups he is trying to portray, and finger-wag to them having “heterosexual goggles” instead of maybe reading the room from LGBT fans who felt that there was very little overt bulid-up to the wlw endgame ship, and no canon acknowledgment they were in a relationship, not even getting into very rocky, misery porn-esque “arc” for the brown woman who made up one half of the relationship. korra’s torture throughout the last book-and-a-half made this exchange feel pretty sour for me, personally; i felt like they wanted to showcase their wlw relationship, which as explained had arguable buildup, just to get people to ignore the fact that korra was miserable for the past three years and one of her ending takeaway lessons was that she “had to suffer to learn how to be compassionate.”

i’m of the opinion that you could, if you wanted, ignore the ks “romance” entirely while watching the show: it had no effect on the characters’ arcs or other relationships, which to me makes this “word of god” response pretty irritating and a bit tactless. one argument is that good lgbt content shouldn’t be ignorable, and shouldn’t need confirmation by the creators after the show is over to determine if it actually “happened.”

do not quote me on this, but i recall reading somewhere way back when that nickelodeon was actually pretty supportive of ks happening when bryke pitched it. meaning that the decision not to overtly portray ks the way they did other m/f ships and make it more ““subtle”” was entirely a creative choice. i’m not sure i still have that article or interview, but maybe @baelor has it somewhere

so that’s one reason i know some people will always be annoyed with BK; i’m not sure if there are any other specific incidents. lately, I’ve seen people—myself included—irritated with bryke for being white men writing about asian characters and an asian world, like i mentioned in the first paragraph. it sounds like they have understood this is a problem and have addressed it with the kyoshi novels, teaming with an asian writer, but i don’t know if they’ll follow suit for the live action series.

i do think that had ATLA interest not been revitalized in the form of both the netflix acquisition and the live action series (which he is heading...), he might have passed into eventual fandom obscurity, with only people who negatively remember this tumblr interaction thinking of him with irritation. now that racial representation is being demanded and expected at all more levels of the creative process for big-budget shows and films, i do expect both he and MDD are probably going to be getting some more heat. (to be clear i’m not, like, happy this is happening, i just see it as an inevitability.)