#of course it’s stupid jokes about pooping . they were fucking with people

[homophyte]

okay listened to the left rights finally (will get to bad choices made easy later today) and i guess it’s exactly what i should have expected it to be lol the only thing i didn’t like was the sorta juvenile toilet humor of it but just about every moment that wasn’t that was choice. if you just like to listen to jimmy make noises it’s preddy good and as a whipstickagostop enjoyer i appreciated more of steve and that energy too. favs were weirdo, hardonz, and qy10

[jamesyofukashi]

This actually happened to me lol. Short story I wrote a while ago for English class

People poop sometimes

“I wonder what I’m missing in class right now?”, I think to myself as I violently shit in the toilet. In all honesty, I didn’t really want to be in this school bathroom, but the prospect of sitting in math class was that much worse in my mind. I want to enjoy my stay a little so why not get on my phone and paly some subway surfers. I play one or two rounds then finish up my business, of course very slowly, then return to class. At this point I don’t even want to remember what I did to that toilet. I assume that I attracted a bunch of skat-fiends and 2 girls one cup actors to a school by leaving that massive fucking turd in there. But whatever, life goes on, and if a few children here or there get anally raped bc my shit was so massive, it attracted weird fetishists like moths to the light, that’s not my fault. You can’t make me responsible for the crimes of my shit right?

By the time I finished this “thought” I was already in front of the classroom door. I take in a deep breath, then return to the class that stank so badly of boredom, I left for the bathroom that stank like literal feces. You know it you hate it, its math class with Mr Erigdoupos1 .

“How was your walk?”, he asked me.

“What!?”

“You heard me young man. You were gone for 35 min of my class. What else could you have done besides take a nice long stroll in the English garden? Or did you go down to the bakery to get a snack? You know that as your teacher I am responsible for you, so if you get hurt or do anything stupid while you skip classes Ill be the one everyone will blame it on. Now what do you have to say for yourself? What did you do while you were supposedly going to the bathroom?”

Wtf? This gives candy to children from a white van looking ass teacher is mad at me for takin a duke. He doesn’t even know what I did, huh. Guess I’ll just tell him straight up.

“I took a shit. People take dumps sometimes teach”

The class obviously broke out laughing, because haha poop joke, but I was dead serious. I did take a shit, and no one would ever know how massive it was. I calmly walk to my seat amids the chaos of people laughing about my own poop.

The End

[css1992]

could u do more high school au's pls? I was thinking maybe rich popular peter who seems untouchable and then grungy tony who just doesnt care for appearances and hes been pining after peter his whole school life

+

could u make it so that tony is rich and everyone knows it but he just doesn't care about his money and doesnt act rich so it's one of those things that u know but dont acknowledge. also if tony's daddy issues made an appearance id be so happy ty.

I’m so sorry for the delay, but I really do hope this scratches your itch! 

***

He had that sort of beauty that almost hurt to look at. So pure and soft. Pink cheeks, small eyes that squinted when he laughed – which was often –; brown, wavy hair, so shiny and silky-looking; thin, pink lips, always stretched in a smile. He had the most beautiful smile Tony had ever seen, too. Honest and wide, happy.

He was never alone. Of course he wasn’t. He was too magnetic, there were always people drawn to his light, following him around, laughing at his jokes, making him laugh in return. Everyone seemed to want a piece of him, a scrap of his attention. And he, being the lovely human being that he was, made room for anyone who wished to bask in his light.

Jocks liked him. Peter was great at team sports, he was light on his feet and good with his hands. He wasn’t in any teams, though, claimed he didn’t have the time, but he was always picked first in P.E. group activities. Tony knew, watched him at practice way too often – from a distance, of course, as he did his stretches and sit-ups with Rhodes.

Nerds liked him, too. He was really smart, an asset to the Decathlon team, and was always willing to help anyone having trouble in class. Even the weirdos from drama club, glee club and the school band loved him – he never made fun of them, on the contrary, he was always very vocal about how talented they were and how he wished he could be a part of their clubs, too.

Girls swooned at him. He was kind and sweet, a good listener, and gorgeous. Guys weren’t immune to his charms, either. The ones Tony knew for a fact that were gay or bi didn’t even try to pretend they didn’t watch him when he walked down the halls, but even supposedly straight guys, like Steve Rogers, sneaked a peek now and then, face flushed, if he was wearing specially tight jeans.

Tony was jealous of all those people, but he learned to deal with it. He’d been, well, admiring him from a distance for years. He was used to seeing people make passes at him, ask him out. Peter was discreet, though. If he ever dated anyone, nobody ever heard anything about it. He was a mystery, Tony wasn’t even sure if he was gay, straight, bi or whatever – there were rumors that he had made out with Wade Wilson in freshman year, but neither of them confirmed or denied it. Tony hated the guy anyway.

“If you keep staring, people are gonna know you’re in love and not actually dead inside,” Rhodey spoke up right next to him, taking a huge bite of his tuna sandwich. Tony averted his gaze from Peter’s table for a minute and looked at his friend, annoyed. “It’s gonna ruin your whole aesthetic.”

“Very funny,” He rolled his eyes and looked back at Peter. There were so many people around him he could barely catch a glimpse of his smile, which was annoying.

His dad’s company, Parker Innovations, had just released a new phone a few weeks earlier, it was ridiculous how many people thought they could get one for free if they kissed his ass hard enough. At least Tony didn’t have to endure that kind of nonsense anymore. People in that school learned very early on that even though he was related to Howard Stark, he wanted nothing to do with the guy – or his company, or his money. They also learned sucking up to him did nothing but annoy him, so they kind of just forgot he existed over time and he blended right in with everyone else – a blessing in its own right.

“Rhodey is right, you’re drooling, it’s a little embarrassing,” Natasha looked at him with boredom as she nibbled on her fries. “You should just ask him out, you’ve been pining for ages.”

“I’m not pining,” he huffed, irritated, and the redhead smirked, raising a perfectly manicured brow.

“Right, yearning might be more accurate. Bruce?” She glanced at their other friend who scratched his chin, pretending to think about it.

“I think obsessing sounds more like it. Rhodey?”  

“Fuck you guys,” he barked before they could keep the game going, and all three laughed at him. Someone got up from Peter’s table and he caught a glimpse of his beautiful face, their eyes made contact for half a second and Tony looked away.

“No, but seriously, Tones. Just go talk to him, he’s a great guy, I’m sure he wouldn’t be an ass about it.” Bruce adjusted his glasses and said that like it was simple. Like he would have the guts to do it if he was in Tony’s position – he wouldn’t, he’d pined for Thor, an exchange student, for a year, and never worked up the courage to ask him out. The guy went back to Norway or whatever and Bruce never even said hi to him.

“I know, of course he wouldn’t, but I don’t wanna be one of those people begging for his attention, just look at that.” He pointed at the little crowd around him, people were almost literally fighting for his attention, the poor guy could barely finish his lunch. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you’re not them,” Natasha said that like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Tony frowned.

“How am I different?”

“You’re a certified genius, you and him have similar interests and you look hot in a ‘I’m gonna fuck  you raw in the back of my car’ kinda way. I don’t know, maybe he’s into that.” The redhead shrugged, again, saying all that like it was obvious and an unquestionable truth.

“Yeah, right, sounds just like him,” Tony scoffed.

Peter was perfect in so many ways – perfect face, perfect body, perfect grades, Tony was sure he pooped out candy or something – of course he wouldn’t go for a guy like him. He had a bad reputation, he was in detention more often than not and people in general considered him an asshole – all because he didn’t partake in their little games of social climbing or whatever. No, Peter wouldn’t go for his grungy ass. He’d probably go for all American, apple pie, boy-next-door Steve Rogers.

“No, she’s right, I’ve seen him looking at you several times.” Bruce pointed out, not for the first time, and Tony scoffed.

“Oh, yeah? When?”

“AP chemistry class. I’m his lab partner, remember?” How could Tony forget? As Mr. Erskine called out their names, Tony prayed to a God he didn’t even believe in that he’d be paired up with Peter, but no such luck. “He stares at you whenever he has a chance or an excuse. You know, when you blow things up, for example.”

“Yeah, which is why he must stare, he must be afraid for his life.” Tony hated to admit that he was way more prone to causing explosive accidents when Peter was in the room. It was fucking embarrassing.

He sighed, drinking the last of his coke. No matter what his friends said, he knew he didn’t stand a chance with Peter. He was… Untouchable. He was too good for him, Tony wasn’t even sure he’d want to taint him if he had a chance –  no, scratch that, he definitely would.

He chose to watch him from afar, allowing himself a few fantasies and daydreams. He had this really stupid and lame one, where he walked up to Peter in the hall, people just parted to let him through, then he gave him his trademark, lopsided grin and asked him out. Peter smiled brightly up at him, holding his books to his chest, cheeks flushed, eyelashes fluttering as he whispered a shy “yes” and leaned up to kiss him. Yeah. That was the whole fantasy.

Peter was so untouchable to him that he didn’t even dare to dream further than that. Of course when he was alone in his room, late at night, relieving himself, a few… less pure fantasies popped up unsolicited, but he felt so guilty then, dirty even, like he was disrespecting him somehow. It was all very confusing, but he still came, shamefully, to the thought of his beautiful face scrunched up in pleasure as dream-Tony fucked him.

The bell rang and everyone hurried to get to their next period, Peter was no different, he gathered his things and stood up, looking around the cafeteria like he was looking for someone. Their eyes met again for a second, but Tony quickly looked away, grabbing his backpack in a hurry to leave.

It was Thursday, the worst day of the week for him, none of his friends were free to hang out with him until later, so he either had to head home and deal with Howard or he had to find somewhere to be for a couple of hours, until Rhodey was done with football practice so they could go to his place. That day, Tony decided to just stay by his car, smoking a cigarette and singing along to Black Sabath’s Iron Man, it wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. He was so distracted watching the smoke dissipate into thin air that he didn’t notice when someone approached, and jumped almost a foot in the air when they spoke.

“Aren’t you afraid of getting caught smoking on school grounds?” Tony almost dropped dead when he registered the angelic voice. He was already having a heart attack as it was, but the boy was so close and he had that beautiful smile in place, blushing cheeks and all. It took almost a full minute for him to calm himself down.  

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” The older teen answered when he finally found his voice and got his breath under control enough not to make a fool of himself. Peter smiled wider, biting his lower lip.

“Your secret is safe with me.” He fake whispered, leaning a little into the older boy’s space and he almost choked on nothing. Peter’s smell was inebriating, expensive and sweet, but not overly so – perfect. He recomposed himself quickly, though, and nodded, but didn’t say anything else. He wasn’t sure why Peter was talking to him and, frankly, he was too fucking nervous to think of anything cool to say. The younger teen deflated a little faced with Tony’s silence; he looked around, seeming a little lost. “You’re Tony, right?”

Fuck, the way he said his name. His name. It was fucking music to his ears, the most beautiful tune. But how did he even know his name? Sure, he was Tony Stark, so not really anonymous, but people often forgot about it.

“Yeah. And you’re Peter.” Tony didn’t play games, he didn’t even try to pretend like he didn’t know who Peter was. It would be dumb anyway, everybody knew him. The other boy nodded shyly, it looked like he wanted to say something else, but he kept biting his lips and looking around nervously. Tony frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“No. I mean, yeah, sure, it’s fine, it’s just, uhm. I have a flat tire and the wheel bolts are really tight and I couldn’t get them off, so I thought – I mean, could you, uh –“ He gestured wildly as he stuttered out his answer, looking in the general direction of his flashy, cherry red sports car. “I mean, it’s okay if you’re busy, but I –“

“Sure, I’ll help, don’t worry.” Tony threw his cigarette butt on the ground and stepped on it. He was a little more at ease now that he knew why Peter was talking to him – he just needed help – and the best thing was, Tony was really good with cars. Of course, one didn’t need to have a PhD in mechanics to change a tire, but it still made him feel really good that he would be able to help properly.

“Thanks, you’re a life saver.” The chirpy attitude was back, as well as the smile, it made Tony’s heart flutter. He nodded sharply, looking away from his face, and gestured for Peter to lead the way.

When they reached his car, Tony whistled lowly, crouching down to look at the completely flat tire, as he tried to find the source of the problem. He was surprised to notice a two-inch cut on the surface of it, and it didn’t seem accidental.

“Fuck, Peter, it looks like someone sliced your tire.” When he looked up at the younger boy, he didn’t look surprised, but nervous. It was an odd reaction. Tony wondered if Peter already knew that – maybe he knew who did it and was scared of them? It made Tony’s blood boil. Why would anyone do that to Peter?

“Wh-what? How do you know that?” He bit his lower lip nervously, scratching his arm, and Tony frowned, worried.

“Here, look.” He gestured for Peter to crouch down next to him and pointed at the cut. “This is clearly a stab mark. Judging by the size and shape of it, I’d say this was probably done with a pocketknife.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course. Clearly.” He face-palmed, like he felt stupid, maybe for not seeing it before, but Tony still worried.

“If you want, I could go with you to the administration. We can ask them to check the security cameras. I think that one might have caught whoever did this.” He pointed at a security camera nearby, Tony knew where all of them were in the parking lot area – he’d been caught smoking way too many times not to know.

“What? There are –? I mean, look, it’s okay, it’s probably just someone trying to play a prank, it’s no big deal, it’s fine.” He stood up quickly, shaking his head, and Tony was positive he felt threatened somehow, he was acting so weird.

“If you’re sure… But if you change your mind, I’ll go with you, ok?” Tony stood up and took off his leather jacket. The weather was nice, just a bit chilly, so he was wearing a thin, white t-shirt with short sleeves underneath. He thought he heard Peter’s breath hitch for a second, but it was probably just his imagination. “Can you hold this for me?” He held out his jacket and the boy blushed, blinking rapidly.

“S-sure.”

Tony bit his bottom lip to refrain from asking, again, if everything was fine. Peter looked so freaking nervous, he was even sweating a little at the temples. Tony was positive he knew who did that to his car, but didn’t want to tell him for some reason. Maybe he wanted to protect whoever did it, maybe it was a boyfriend, or an ex. He gritted his teeth, hands closing in fists, but didn’t say anything, just crouched down and got to work.

The first bolt came off easily, it wasn’t tight at all, so he thought maybe Peter had already loosened it when he tried earlier. The second and third ones came off just as easily, though, only the fourth one was a little trickier, but nothing the younger teen couldn’t have handled himself. Tony thought maybe he hadn’t tried too hard, maybe he was afraid the person who did that would show up or something. He was so glad he was there to help, he wondered if Peter felt safe with him around, and the thought made him feel oddly proud and protective of him.

He made quick work of changing the tires, making sure not to screw the bolts too tight, then put the sliced one in the trunk of the car. When he turned around to look at Peter, he was looking intently at him, almost hypnotized, holding his jacket close to his chest like it was a puppy.

“All done.” Tony smiled and the boy seemed to snap out of a trance.

“Oh, thank you so much, really, you’re too kind.” He smiled broadly and the older teen scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it.” They were silent for a few seconds after that, but Peter kept holding his jacket and didn’t make any move to give it back to him. “Uhm, could I–?” He gestured towards the jacket and again the boy jumped up in surprise.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, here.” He handed it to him and quickly crossed his empty arms over his chest. “So, uhm,… Your dad is having a gala this weekend, right? Are you gonna be there?” Ah, so Peter did know who he was, not just his first name. The older teen leaned against the car and stuck his hands in his pockets, shrugging.

“Not if I can help it.” He smirked, trying to act cool, but now that he didn’t have anything to do with his hands, he was growing nervous.

“Oh,” Peter looked… disappointed? He dropped his gaze to the floor, shuffling his feet, and Tony stood up straight, frowning.

“Why?”

“Nothing, it’s just – my parents are going, so I thought I’d tag along to, you know... but it’s okay.” He kicked an imaginary rock and avoided Tony’s eyes. The older teen stared at him with wide eyes, heart beating fast – what was the end of that sentence? Peter couldn’t possibly mean–

“I don’t – what, you’d go to, like, hang out with me or something?” He felt stupid when he stumbled on the words, but Peter didn’t seem to notice, his cheeks were burning red and he was looking anywhere else but at Tony.

“I mean, you must have much better things to do, of course, I was just –” He chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his head, finally looking up at Tony. “Sorry, just forget about it, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No, wait!” He rushed to interrupt him and Peter looked back at him with huge, Bambi eyes. Tony coughed awkwardly, blushing a little. “I mean, like, uhm… If you – would you wanna go as my date? To the gala?” He blurted out, finally, because what the hell. The worst that could happen was Peter say no, and he could deal with it. He would survive, for sure. It wouldn’t be a big deal. Really. It wouldn’t.

But he didn’t say no, he smiled broadly, eyes twinkling in excitement.

“I’d love to!” He answered quickly, and Tony’s heart fluttered, Peter looked genuinely happy.  “Could you – uhm, text me what color of tie you’ll be wearing? If you want! I understand if you think it’s lame, but I thought–”

“No, it’s fine.” His heart was beating so loud, Peter Fucking Parker wanted to coordinate ties with him, it was fucking corny and cliché and he loved it. “Uhm, here, give me your number.” He fished his phone from his back pocket and gave it to the younger teen.

“Cool.” Peter typed in his number and as soon as he gave his phone back, Tony sent him a smiley face so he would have his number, too. “Cool, cool, cool...” He rocked on the balls of his feet and looked around, like he was looking for something else to say.

“So… Do you have to be home soon or…?” Tony stuck his hands in his pockets again, wondering if maybe he was pushing his luck, but Peter shook his head quickly.

“Not really, no, my parents don’t really mind what time I get home as long as I let them know. You?”

“They don’t really care.” He shrugged, taking one step closer to Peter. “So… are you hungry, by any chance?”

“I’m starving.” He nodded, looking up at Tony in anticipation. It drove the butterflies in his stomach crazy.

“I know a place where they serve great burgers. We could go in my car and I could drop you off here on our way back, I’m just a little worried someone is gonna try to fuck up your car again. I mean, what if they’re targeting you or something?” Just the mention of what happened earlier made Peter nervous. He stuck his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket and shook his head.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, I’m sure it’s fine.” He didn’t look worried, though, at least not anymore.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, trust me, I am.” Tony found the sudden change odd, but thought maybe he was just trying to play it cool, so he let it go.  

“Okay, then, c’mon, my car is right there,” Tony gestured to his car and Peter smiled, taking his hands off his pockets. When he did, though, something slipped out and fell to the ground with a metallic noise. Tony quickly crouched down to get it for him, when he noticed what it was. “Wh – is that…?” He frowned, examining the pocketknife as if it was alien material. He was confused at first, because Peter didn’t seem like the kind of guy to carry one around, but then it dawned on him. When he looked at the younger teen, his face was so red it looked like he was about to explode.

“Uhm… If I told you I’ve never seen this before in my life would you believe it?” He chuckled nervously, scratching his arm, as Tony stood up. The older teen raised a brow at him.”Sorry, I just – I wanted an excuse to talk to you.” He said quietly, dropping his gaze.

“You know, you could have gone with the weather or whatever.” Tony answered, amused, and it made the younger boy look up at him.

“You’re just very intimidating,” He looked at him with huge, scared eyes, and Tony cocked his head to the side.

“Me?” He raised a brow.

“Yeah.” Peter answered pointedly, and Tony smirked, offering him his knife back.

“You do realize you just sliced your own tire so you’d have an excuse to talk to me, right? And I’m intimidating?” He joked, but Peter didn’t seem to find it funny. He winced and covered his face with his hands, clearly embarrassed.

“You must think I’m such a freak,” He groaned, voice muffled by his palms.

“Hey, hey, yes, I do think you’re a freak.” He grabbed Peter’s thin wrists and marveled at how perfectly they fit in his hands. He definitely saved that thought for later. “But you’re a really cute one.” He grinned and Peter chuckled, a delicate flush rising onto his cheeks.

“I feel stupid.” He admitted, worrying his bottom lip, but Tony shook his head, working up the nerve to cup Peter’s face in his hand.

“I feel flattered,” He said, honestly, and Peter’s breath hitched. He stared up at Tony, eyelashes fluttering, moist, pink lips slightly open. The older teen leaned down slowly and when the Peter closed his eyes, their lips touched. Just like in his fantasies, Peter tasted sweet, his lips were soft and his arms circled Tony’s neck in a warm embrace. When they parted, Tony smiled down at him, stroking his blushing cheek. “Just promise that if this doesn’t work out you won’t, like, key my car or something.”

“Oh, God,” he groaned, but they both laughed out loud, as they walked hand in hand across the parking lot.

[slytherinbangchan]

Tattoo Artist! Felix x Fem chubby reader.

-Tattoo!Artist Changbin

-Tattoo artist!Hyunjin

-Tattoo artist!Bangchan

Tattoo Artist!Jisung -Tattoo artist!Woojin

-Fuckboy!Minho

Warnings: Mature (dry humping)

-'You idiot, your client is waiting for you'. You shout looking at the staff room on the back of the store. 'Excuse him, he's pooping'. You tell the girl waiting at the counter.

-'I'm not'. He says as he rushes over there. 'Stop telling my clients that'. He laughs.

-A half smile on your face as you keep drawing not minding him.

-He hits your arm softly and scoffs with a smile on before guiding his client to the tattoo chair.

-'Ok, would you stop flirting?'

-You look up to see Seungmin's face as he leans over the counter.

-You scoff as you smile. 'I'm not flirting with Felix'.

-'Sure'.

-That devilish smile.

-'You know you're more my type than he is, right?'

-'Should I kiss you then?' He asks still with that smile on.

-You chuckle. 'Ew, just go work on your designs'. You say as you push him away.

-He chuckles as he leaves to his work table.

-Your eyes drift meeting Felix's and you chuckle as he makes some faces at you. 'Idiot' you mumble and he just smiles before going back to work.

-He's cute when he does that.

-It's a quiet morning in the shop.

-You cleaned your schedule up so you could spend some time on new designs so you're just kinda chilling.

-You see a hand stealing your coffee and you look up to see Felix taking a sip.

-'Again?' You ask.

-'What? I was working so hard just now'. He smiles.

-'I asked earlier if you wanted me to bring you something when I went for mine'. You chuckle.

-'Well, yeah but it tastes better this way'. He winks at you and you roll your eyes.

-'It's mine'. You say as you steal your cup back from his hands.

-He chuckles and ruffles your hair. 'Yeeah, understood'.

-Stupid Felix. Always messing with you like that.

-You can see your bestie Seungmin looking at you from the distance.

-You can practically read his mind. Is like there's a billboard over his head saying 'FLIRTING AGAIN?'

-But you're not flirting with Felix.

-You've been friends like that for a while now.

-He just likes to mess with you and you don't mind messing with him back.

-Some of his art covers part of your body and some of your art covers part of his.

-But the same thing goes for Seungmin.

-After all you're all tattooists.

-And anyway even if you two were flirting is not like it was romantically, right?

-Right?

-'So, wanna go grab some lunch?' Felix asks. 'I didn't bring anything'.

-'Oh, sure. I'll tell Seungmin too'.

-'Ah, okay. Sure... Then go get him and we can leave'. He smiles as you collect your drawings and keep them in a folder.

-You check your schedule as you all wait for the food.

-'Are we still playing later?' Seungmin asks Felix.

-'Of course. We should play LoL tonight though so this idiot can join us'. He says poking your arm.

-'Don't worry about me. I don't feel like playing tonight. I think I'll watch a movie or something'. You distractedly say as you keep looking at your appointments.

-'Party pooper'. Seungmin says as he chuckles.

-'What? I'm so tired and once we start playing we won't stop. I need sleep'. You chuckle.

-'Ok then it's just us two'. Seungmin says and Felix just nods.

-The rest of the day just go by as normally as ever.

-You got a couple appointments in the afternoon for big and complicated tattoos so you end up even more tired.

-Your phone buzzes as you get out the shower.

-'You idiot, Seungmin ditched me too. Now I have to play alone'.

-'How is that my fault?😂' You text Felix back.

-'Idk but it is'.

-'Ok then lol'.

-'Just log in and join my teaaam🥺'.

-'I can't I'm meeting my friends after all'.

-'Oh, so you can go out but you can't join me on the summoner's rift cause you're so tired'.

-You chuckle as you look at your phone. '😂 Yep, sorry. Have fun tho😜'.

-'Sure... Don't drink too much huh? You owe me a game tomorrow'.

-'Yeeah~'.

-It's been a while since you last went out.

-Felix goes out a lot though.

-A bunch of his clients ask him out or invite him to parties.

-He's really popular even if he's kinda shy at first.

-But lately he's been staying home playing games with you and Seungmin.

-And it's fun but sometimes you'd spend almost all night playing.

-Normally when Seungmin goes to bed you leave too.

-You think it'd be kinda awkward staying in game just with Felix.

-He doesn't talk a lot while playing and you like to joke around and comment on everything so yeah.

-Anyway he has other friends to play with. He doesn't actually need you.

-Your friends pick you up when you're ready.

-'So whose party is this?' You ask them as you get in the car.

-'I don't know, some guy from work'. One of them says.

-'Huh... Some cute guy that I should know of?'

-'Nah. I hope he invited some friends from out of work though'.

-You sigh and honestly expect for the worst.

-It's not the first time your friends drag you into one of their coworker's party.

-And parties like that are never that fun.

-When you get there it doesn't seem bad.

-Music is nice and there's a bunch of people.

-'Hey y/n look at that guy, he's kinda cute huh?' Your friend says.

-You try to find the person she's pointing at.

-Then you see the guy but he's not facing you.

-You squeeze your eyes in a stupid attempt to see him better. 'He does look good... I think'.

-'See? I knew you'd like him. Also his friend is cute too. Let's go say hi'.

-As she drags you towards the guy you start recognizing him.

-But your brain seems unable to link concepts.

-Only when you have him right in front of you, you fully realize he's actually there.

-Your friend pokes his shoulder and he turns around.

-'Hey'. She says. 'Are you guys friends with Donhyuck?'

-He chuckles as he sees you and you do the same but neither of you say anything about it yet.

-'Nah, I'm just his tattooist and this is a friend of mine'. He says pointing at the guy next to him.

-'Hi, I'm Jeongin'. The other guy says.

-'Oh, you're tattooists? My friend is a tattooist too'. She says pointing at you.

-You chuckle again. 'I think they know'. You tell your friend.

-'Ah really? Is that a tattooist thing? You all know eachother?' She asks.

-You all chuckle. 'Seriously? You don't know who this is? You've been to my shop right?'

-She looks at them for a moment and then opens her mouth. 'Felix??' She asks. 'Omg you fucking changed a lot since last time I saw you'.

-He chuckles. 'It can't be that much'.

-'It is. What the fuck you're super hot now'.

-You laugh and hit her softly. 'Don't tell him that. He has enough people drooling over him already'.

-She kinda ignores you and keeps talking to the guys. 'We totally thought you were just two hot guys and we came here to-' But you stop her.

-'Yeah well why don't we go for a drink now?' You ask her.

-'It's ok, I'll go. You stay here' She says.

-'What? Why?' You ask but she's already gone.

-'I'm going for another drink too'. Jeongin says, leaving you alone with Felix.

-'What are you doing here?' You ask directly. 'Thought you were playing tonight'.

-'Yeah all my friends were busy so...'

-'Can't play alone huh?'

-'I can. I just rather not'.

-'You miss me that bad?' You joke.

-'Well, you're the one who appeared in a party where I already was. So who was missing who?' He chuckles.

-'I didn't even know you were here. I thought you were at home playing'. You laugh.

-'Hey Felix, you like fat chicks now?' Some guy says as he walks by.

-Felix turns around to see who said that. 'Fuck off'. He says then he looks back at you to keep chatting.

-'Ah... I'm gonna go check on my friend. She always forget what drink I like'. You say, kinda awkwardly and leave before he can say anything.

-It's funny how sometimes someone can ruin your night just like that.

-Normally you would have shout something back at that rude guy or whatever.

-But for some reason tonight that guy caught you with your guard down.

-Maybe cause he said it right in front of Felix.

-Like it shouldn't be a problem but it is.

-Cause it's not the first time someone has looked at you weirdly or laughed after seeing you with Felix.

-And you can pretend it didn't happen only a limited amount of times before starting feeling like shit about it.

-You know Felix is cute and handsome and hot. You know.

-And maybe for certain people you're not.

-You also know some people is just mean sometimes.

-But could they stop reminding you that even if you don't like him you wouldn't stand a chance if you did anyway?

-You find your friend at the drinks table.

-'I'm sorry I forgot what you like'. She says.

-'Yeah I thought so. It's ok. I think I'm leaving'.

-'What? No way! You live too far away'.

-'It's fine. I'll just take the bus'.

-'Whyy? Just stay pleasee. For a bit? It'll be fun. I promise'.

-You sigh and pour a drink for yourself. 'Ok, just a bit'.

-'Did you know Felix is super popular? I heard so many people talking about him in so little time just now'. She says.

-'Yeah, even guys like him so much'. You say.

-'Yeah? Why don't you ask him out on a date or something?'

-You chuckle. 'Are you crazy?'

-'You don't like him?'

-'What do you mean? He's my coworker'.

-'Yeah and he's fucking hot?'

-'So? I haven't even think about it. There's no way he'll waste his time in someone like me anyway'.

-'Why not? You're amazing'.

-'And fat'.

-Your friend stares at you with a suspicious look. 'Where is this coming from? I thought you weren't insecure like that anymore'.

-You sigh loudly. 'Yeah, but sometimes is hard'.

-'Ok, I get that but honestly I don't think Felix would care about something like your weight at all'.

-You chuckle. 'You barely know him'.

-She chuckles too. 'Ok, but am I wrong? Do you think otherwise?'

-'I don't know. I'm pretty much confused now'.

-'Well, ok. Let's focus on another thing for tonight then'. She says as she grabs your hand. 'Let's find something fun to do'.

-You follow her around and keep drinking.

-It doesn't get fun at all at that party but you're kinda drunk now so it's not that bad.

-The guy who said that thing to Felix left the party at some point.

-That fact and the alcohol makes you feel more relaxed.

-You can see Jeongin and Felix from there talking to some girls.

-Well, it seems more like the girls are doing all the talking.

-Not like you care.

-You sigh slightly annoyed and look away.

-There's a bunch of people sitting on the floor and your friends want to go check what the hell they're doing.

-'Ah! You entered the circle you must stay'. Some guy says.

-'What?' You ask.

-'It's the rule'. He says.

-'Uh... Okay? What is this about though?'

-'We're playing 7 minutes in heaven'.

-'Really?? Are we in high school or?'

-Your friend chuckles at your reaction and makes you sit.

-'What is this?' Felix asks as he's pushed into the circle by some of the girls who were talking to him earlier.

-'Ok, you all can sit but that's it. Let's start the game'. The guy says.

-Felix looks as confused as you were a minute ago but he sits down.

-He also looks kinda drunk.

-You don't know almost anybody else in that circle. It's going to be awkward if the bottle points at you at some point.

-So you're kinda praying that's not the case.

-And it works at first.

-You just keep drinking and laughing about other people being put together in a tiny room for 7 minutes.

-And how some of them are pissed about their partner and others have not enought time for kissing or whatever.

-So you forget about the bottle for a minute.

-Then realize everyone is looking at you.

-'What?' You ask.

-'It's your turn y/n. He's waiting for you, c'mon'. Your friend whispers to you.

-You look up and Felix is offering his hand to help you up.

-So nice of him to help you like that.

-You hold it without thinking about it too much.

-So dizzy you almost fall.

-You hear someone mumble. 'So lucky'.

-'Who am I getting in this room with? I wasn't really paying attention'. You whisper to Felix and he chuckles.

-'Me'.

-You feel some butterflies in your stomach but just keep walking to the room.

-Some guy opens the door for you and you get in.

-It's a very tiny guest room with a bed and not much more.

-'I'm sorry you got stuck with me'. You say. 'Don't worry. I'll tell everyone nothing happened when we are out of here'.

-He scoffs. 'So you're just rejecting me like that?'

-What is he talking about?

-'Not funny'. You say as you sit on the bed.

-He sits right besides you. 'Why are you mad at me?'

-'I'm not. Actually this is the less mad I've been in this party'.

-He laughs. 'Glad I make you feel good then'.

-'Yeah, you do'. You say looking at him. He's looking down at the bed.

-Then you feel the warmth of his hands over yours.

-'What are you doing?' You ask and he chuckles.

-'I don't know. I'm kinda drunk and your hands looked so soft. I wanted to touch them'.

-You smile. 'Weirdo'.

-'Shut up, I'm not'. He pushes you with his shoulder but doesn't let your hands go.

-His smile is so precious. Wonder how you didn't notice before.

-'You know you owe me a game right?' He says. His fingers laced with yours now.

-'Yeeah I know...' You chuckle. 'We need Seungmin though I can't play with you alone. You're so quiet'.

-'What? Really?'

-'Yeah I think it'd be awkward just the two of us. Oh god... I'm sorry I'm drunk confessing about my awkward feelings when we are in a call alone'. You can't stop your words but he's chuckling so it's ok.

-'I knew it was weird you always leave when Seungmin does'. He laughs.

-'I'm so sorry Felix'. You laugh.

-'It's fine. We'll play alone next time. So you'll see it doesn’t have to be awkward'.

-'Oh god it'll totally be'.

-'It won't you idiot. We can be in a call alone. We're alone now'.

-As soon as he says that something moves inside of you.

-You look at him in the eyes then look at his lips.

-He smiles and leans a bit over you.

-Your heart racing all of a sudden.

-What is happening??

-He's so fucking close now.

-He's stopped just 2cm away from your lips.

-You're blushing.

-'Can I kiss you?' He asks almost in a whisper.

-You blush even harder. 'W-wha..?'

-'Ok, guys time's up'. The guy controlling the game says as he opens the door startling you a bit.

-Felix closes his eyes and scrunches his nose silently annoyed at the guy's timing.

-'Oh... Okay'. You tell the guy as you stand to walk out.

-Felix follows you to the living room and you both sit down in the circle again.

-Luckily that spinning bottle forgets about you two for the rest of the party.

-You practically pass out when you get home.

-And when you wake up next day you hardly remember anything at first.

-Then you see the texts on your phone.

-'Girl, you better tell me what happened last night with you and Felix as soon as you wake up you hear me??'

-That's one of your friends.

-'What are you talking about?' You text her back.

-'You fell asleep in my car and never told us what happened when you were alone with him'.

-'Yeah, probably nothing happened. I don't remember much anyway'.

-You look at the time in your phone. 'Shit. I'm late, bye'. You text her before running to the shower.

-When you get to the studio only Seungmin is there with a client.

-And your morning client just re-scheduled their appointment when you were on your way to the shop so now you can relax a bit.

-After some minutes a guy appears asking for Felix but he's not around yet.

-'Can you call him?' Seungmin asks you. 'He must have fallen asleep or something'.

-'Oh... Ok...' You take a deep breath before dialing.

-You feel nervous but you can't remember why.

-He asnwers the phone after a while. 'y/n?'

-Wow, that husky sleepy voice.

-Heart beating so fast.

-'Felix, are you okay? There's a client here waiting for you'.

-You hear some noise like stuff falling. 'Fuck'. He says. Sounds like he hit himself.

-'Felix...?'

-'Yeah, sorry I'll be there in a minute'. He says then he hangs up.

-You apologize to the client and ask him to wait for a bit.

-Sooner than later Felix appears in the studio.

-Your heart skips a beat as you see him in the same clothes as last night. He must've slept in them.

-His hair all messy.

-'Hi, sorry'. He apologizes and runs to his client not giving you any time to say hi back.

-You're working on your desings again but this time your eyes drift to Felix more often.

-Feeling your heart beating faster just at the sight of him.

-He's too focused to look back at you though. He really must feel bad for making his client wait for him.

-He has dark circles under his eyes. You wonder how much sleep he actually got.

-You don't talk a lot during the day.

-You both just focus on your work.

-Personally you just want the day to end so you can go back home and get some sleep.

-After your last client Felix finally aproaches you.

-'Hey...' He looks really tired too. 'I know you must be exhausted but this friend is coming home to watch a movie. Would you join us?'

-'Why?' You ask without thinking. 'I mean, aren't you tired too?'

-'Yeah...' He says as he scratches his neck. 'Would you still come though?'

-You feel butterflies as you hear the softer tone in his voice. Triggering some memories from last night.

-Your cheeks getting pink as you remember.

-He almost kissed you while you were in that room.

-'y/n?? It's okay if you'd rather go home and rest'.

-'No, I'll go with you'.

-He smiles so big. 'Nice. I'm ready to go whenever you're ready'.

-Huh.

-What is this?

-This is weird right?

-Like, you're both so tired why are you doing this?

-Why is your body just moving and reacting before you can even think.

-Maybe you're so tired you're on automatic mode now.

-You walk alongside him in silence.

-Ah, he looks nice with the red hair and that beanie.

-He looks at you and smiles as he catches you staring.

-You blush lightly but smile back.

-Ah, his nose so cute with the freckles...

-Wish you could gently bite his nose.

-Or hold him to fight the cold as he sweetely leaves a kiss on the top of your head.

-Huh... That’s weird.

-Why would you think about stuff like that?

-Your heart skipping a beat as you think about it.

-Ahh... So you like Felix now...

-You sigh.

-You blame your friend for getting into your head.

-You were so convinced you wouldn't fall for this guy.

-And it was hard to resist cause he's so sweet.

-But he almost kissed you last night.

-Does he even like you?

-For all you know he'd did it cause of the game and nothing else.

-He's so popular...

-Not that you're not nice and cool but why would he like you instead of just another person?

-You just don't think you'll ever be that lucky to have someone liking you back.

-'Hey, should we grab some snacks for the movie?' He suddenly asks bringing you back from your train of thoughts.

-'Yeah, sure'.

-You go into the next store you see and grab some popcorn etc...

-You leave the store laughing about the reaction of the person working there.

-They got so surprised when they heard Felix's voice.

-It's happened a lot of times before in the tattoo shop but it's always kinda fun.

-Cause after all this time working with him you're used to it but when people see that face and then hear his deep voice they all get surprised.

-And it makes you feel some kind of way.

-Like every time it happens makes you aware again of the fact that his angelic face hides a demonic voice.

-Guess you weren't sure before of what that feeling was but now you know... It kinda turns you on.

-You shake your head trying to think of something else instead.

-When you get at Felix's apartment there's a guy waiting at his door.

-He's tall and very handsome.

-His name is Jaemin.

-Apparently you've played with him and Felix online before but you don't remember him.

-'So cruel. How could you forget me? We've played so many times in the same team!'

-You chuckle. 'I'm sorry I don't really pay much attention to people I don't personally know'.

-'That's mean'. He pouts. 'You remind me of one of my friends. So mean...'.

-'Sorry'. You chuckle again and sit on the couch.

-'Jaemin help me out with the popcorn'. Felix says.

-'Can't you do it alone?'

-'Oh, I'll help you if you want'. You offer.

-'Don't worry y/n just get some rest and if you don't mind you could pick a movie in the meantime'. Felix says.

-They close the kitchen's door but you can still hear them.

-'What?' Jaemin asks.

-'What do you mean what? Just help me with the snacks'.

-'Cause you don't know how your own microwave works?'

-'Just get the cups and the drinks'. Felix laughs.

-Are they dating or something? You ask yourself.

-'What is with you? You don't want to leave me alone with this girl? Do you like her?'

-You wait for Felix's answer but he doesn't say anything.

-'Okay then'. Jaemin says.

-The kitchen's door opens and he appears with some glasses and drinks.

-'How can you carry all that at the same time?' You ask him chuckling.

-'I don't know. Skill?' He smiles at you as he leaves the stuff on the tea table and sits by your side.

-'I see'.

-Felix appears a bit later with the popcorn.

-He takes a quick look at the couch and sits at your other side.

-So yeah you're in the middle of those two.

-You chose a horror movie and Felix is clearly terrified.

-Jaemin is yawning, almost falling asleep.

-You chuckle and poke him lightly. 'Hey! No sleeping'.

-He smiles without taking his eyes off the screen. 'Sorry'.

-Felix clears his throat and sits up a bit.

-'Are you okay?' You ask him.

-'Yeah'. He says rubbing his eyes a little.

-'We could drink so we won't fall asleep' Jaemin suggests.

-'Are you sure that'll work just like that?' You ask.

-'We can try'. He says.

-So yeah now you're drinking as the horror movie finishes.

-You all end up drunk-laughin at the overacting in the movie and the lame CGI.

-Also at some point you started cuddling Felix cause your drunk self fucking wanted to and nobody stopped you.

-Your legs on Jaemin's lap.

-He gives his cup a last sip and looks at the clock. 'Fuck I should go'. He says. 'I had fun though. You're a tattooist too right?' He asks you.

-'Yeah'.

-'I'll go visit you someday to get an appointment. Is that okay?' He asks as he carefully takes your legs off his lap to stand up.

-'Sure'. You say.

-'Great. See you guys then'. He says with a big smile on his face. He stumbles a bit to get out of the house but it's okay.

-'Ah... Guess I should leave too'. You say sitting up a bit.

-'Oh, okay. I'll walk you home'.

-You try and stand up but you're so drunk you just fall right back on the couch. 'Ok. I think I can't go right now'. You chuckle and he laughs too.

-'Yeah, maybe come back here for a bit'. He says.

-You chuckle softly and go back cuddling him.

-His hand stroking your hair as you look at him in the eyes.

-Ah... You really want to kiss him.

-'You're so cute y/n'. He says making your heart flutter. 'Your cheeks are red cause the alcohol. So cute'. He repeats then leans over to leave a peck on your forehead.

-But you hold his face softly so he would stay close then kiss him after a second.

-His hands over yours now.

-A muffled moan leaving his mouth without breaking the kiss.

-And your heart is beating so fast.

-You're kissing Felix.

-Like for real.

-It's not a dream right? Not a drunk dream.

-He's really just there refusing to stop kissing you even for a second as you move to sit astride him.

-He's not sure where to put his hands now and it's kinda funny so you're not telling him where.

-He ends up leaving them there in the air at your waist lenght so you lace your fingers with his.

-It all started kinda passionate but as the alcohol effects fade a bit your kisses get sweeter.

-Till you're so sleepy.

-Your heart beating strongly but calmly as you watch Felix putting on a jacket over his hoodie to walk you home.

-He smiles shyly at your look but doesn't say anything.

-Is he shy after spending the last hour kissing you?

-You chuckle and walk towards him helping him to fix his clothes before leaving.

-'Thanks'. He says and you kiss him again.

-You hold hands all the way to your apartment.

-Just talking nonsense and laughing.

-Still a bit dizzy cause you drank a lot in a short amount of time earlier.

-But it's fine.

-'Do you think Seungmin will nag at us tomorrow for not getting enough sleep again?' He asks as you both stand in front of your door.

-'Yeah, maybe. It's not that late though. Just go straight to bed when you get home'.

-'Well, let's see if I can get any sleep'. He chuckles.

-'Why wouldn't you? The horror movie?'

-He chuckles softly and shakes his head. 'I'll be too nervous thinking about this girl I like'. He says as he takes a lock of hair out of your face.

-You blush at his words. 'Shut up'. You say as you hit him lightly making him laugh again.

-'Yeah, that was kinda cheesy'.

-'Kinda?'

-'Shut up you too'. He says as he leans over to kiss you good bye. 'See you tomorrow'. He says in a soft tone.

-You nod and he pecks your lips one last time. 'Bye'. You say as you walk away.

-He watches you till you get inside then leaves.

-Your heart beating so fast every time you think of him and all that happened tonight.

-You wonder if he really is thinking of you too.

-You lie in bed and raise your arms to see the tattoos Felix personally designed for you some time ago.

-His smile as you both joked around while he was tattooing you back then comes to mind.

-And how he pretended you were hurting him so bad while you tattoed him.

-Those clients waiting got so scared at first till he finally told them he was just joking.

-That you are the best tattooist he knows.

-Your heart flutters as you remember all those moments so clearly.

-Still feels kinda hard to take in what have happened between you two in a matter of days? Hours?

-But maybe Seungmin was right and you've been flirting for the longest time without being aware of it.

-Probably he was. He always notices everything.

-You sigh looking at the ceiling and fall asleep at some point.

-Next day Felix is already at the shop when you arrive.

-'Hey'. He says with a sweet tone.

-'Hi'. You say same way.

-You both look at eachother as you don't really know how to act but as you leave your stuff and walk towards him he moves closer too.

-Seungmin watching you two with a suspicious stare.

-It feels a bit awkward cause none of you are sure if you should kiss but the truth is you two are getting closer and closer.

-You blush as soon as he's in front of you and end up leaving a quick peck on his cheek.

-'What is happening?' Seungmin asks from the other side of the shop still with his suspicious look.

-'N-Nothing'. You say.

-His eyes getting bigger as he looks at Felix's red face. 'Felix? Can you come here for a minute?'

-'I don't really want to...'

-'Come here you idiot'. He says, then waits for Felix to walk there.

-You can't hear what they're saying now but Seungmin is smiling and Felix's still red as ever.

-It feels kinda warm seeing them like that.

-'Huh, you must be happy we open only mornings on Fridays'. He tells you and you chuckle.

-'Ah, shut up'. You say, more relaxed now. You thought Seungmin would mess much more with you but he's a good guy after all.

-Morning practically flies as you work and soon is time to leave.

-Felix approaches you slightly shy. 'Do you want to go out or something... With... Me?' He asks and you chuckle.

-Him being shy makes you feel less shy yourself if that makes sense somehow.

-'Yes, Felix. I want to'. You chuckle again.'Where should we go?'

-'Why are you laughing at me?' He asks as he chuckles too.

-'I don't know. You're cute'.

-He scrunches his nose as if he were mad and you scoff as you smile.

-He's indeed just too cute.

-'I'm gonna kiss you'. You say and he chuckles.

-'Ok'.

-You tip-toe a bit and he leans over to finish with the distance left.

-Seungmin walks by after a minute and hits you with a magazine on your heads. 'Ew, just go home'.

-But you just keep kissing as you show Seungmin the middle finger.

-He chuckles and keeps on cleaning his equipment.

-Felix holds your hand as you walk down the street.

-It's so cold outside but it's alright.

-You just walk for a while till you find a food stall you like.

-Felix stands behind you as you order.

-His chin resting on the top of your head and his arms hanging on your shoulders.

-You turn around after ordering and hug him getting inside his coat.

-'So cold'. You say as he just wraps his arms around you.

-He chuckles and kisses you on your forehead. 'We can go home after getting the food if you want'.

-You happily nod and he smiles.

-'Hey, guys?' A male voice says making you two turn a bit to see him. It's Jaemin. 'I fucking knew you liked her dude'. He says as he laughs.

-Felix chuckles too. 'Well, yeah. It was pretty obvious'.

-'Was it??' You ask and they laugh.

-'Yeah babe, it kinda was'. Felix says and you blush.

-'Oh wow, babe huh?' Jaemin says. 'It seems like you guys are doing good'. He chuckles a bit. 'Anyway I gotta go. Glad to see you two and I’ll see you again soon for my tattoo'. He says as he winks at you.

-You nod still blushing and then the guy from the stall calls you to you pick up your food.

-'I got it'. Felix says.

-He hands you your food carefully and you start walking.

-There's not so much talk in your way to his apartment cause you're both just focusing on eating.

-But it feels so nice. It's not awkward at all.

-You grab some ice cream just before getting to his apartment.

-'You were freezing a minute ago'. He chuckles.

-'Yeah but it's not going to be cold inside your apartment so...'

-He chuckles again. 'I see. Will you give me some?'

-'We'll see'. You say and he scoffs.

-'Really?'

-You get under the blanket as soon as you're inside his apartment.

-He sits right next to you and you offer him to get under the blanket too.

-'Should we watch a movie or something?' He asks as you unwrap your ice cream

-'Sure!'

-'Let me guess. A horror one'.

-'Yes pleaasee'.

-'Fine but I'll bother you eternally if I'm scared for life after this'.

-'Just close your eyes when the jump-scare is coming'. You chuckle.

-'I'll just keep my eyes closed then'.

-'We can watch other stuff too, idiot'. You lighly poke him with your ice cream leaving some cream on his nose.

-He scrunches his nose once and waits for you to take the cream off it but you just smile.

-'C'mon'. He chuckles.

-But you only get more cream on him.

-His lips, part of his jaw all covered.

-You're smiling as he looks at you biting his lips trying not to curse.

-'What are you gonna do now, huh?' You ask as you lick the ice cream running down your hand.

-He holds your hand and bites the ice cream. Eating almost all of it.

-'Nooo' You pout as a satisfyed smile is drawn on his face. ‘My ice cream’. You pout again.

-'You deserve it. Maybe you should clean this mess you made now'. He says as he leans back on the couch.

-His deep voice making you shiver with excitement.

-You slowly climb onto his lap sitting astride him.

-He just watches you in silence as you lean over him.

-You look at his eyes for a moment and he nods.

-Then you start licking the ice cream off his jaw stopping right before getting to his lips.

-Your faces so close still.

-He naughtily smiles and kisses you.

-His hands on your waist as he pulls you closer.

-Is no long before you can feel him getting hard beneath you.

-And it's just in the right place.

-You stop to look at him. A hand in the neck of his hoodie, the other one combing his hair back lightly.

-His hands on your butt now as you slowly rock your hips.

-He chuckles softly. 'Are you shy?' He asks as he caresses your burning red cheek.

-You turn your face trying to bite his thumb and he chuckles again.

-'Cute'.

-You lean over him to kiss just to make him stop laughing.

-But then you go down his neck, leaving some kisses and love bites over there.

-His hand climbing up under your clothes to your boobs.

-You moan softly in his ear as he squeezes them.

-The sound of your voice making him harder.

-The intensity of your movements increasing.

-He takes off your top then kisses you.

-You hug him lightly. His head at your boobs lenght.

-You pull him closer and he kisses your chest then bites softly on your tits.

-You bite your lips as you feel your orgasm building just with the friction. Letting out a muffled moan.

-Felix grunts softly as he releases. His hands grasping at your butt. His head still buried between your boobs.

-And you just let go.

-A bunch of cute moans scaping your mouth as you come.

-You hold Felix's face between your hands softly and kiss him for a while.

-'You still owe me an ice cream though'. You say.

-And he just smiles as he lies you down to start all over again.

Blog’s Masterlist

[marsupials-of-mars]

Remus's Diary

Eight special excerpts from Remus's personal very secret diary that have been curated for your viewing pleasure! (Warning: gore and sexual reference, Remus stuff)

Age 6 (spelling corrected):

Dear Diarrhea,

I want to stab things with a knife. Logan says I should write feelings in a diarrhea until they go away, so here. I think bad things mostly. Roman doesn't like me anymore, and I think it's because of the bad things I think. So i think i want to stab him with a knife. He just isn't any fun anymore. I wish he never made us break. I liked being King because I didn't have to look at his dumb poopy face and I didn't have so many thoughts that made people mad at me. But here, I can write all the stuff I want. I think Roman is a poop face and he can get eaten up by a bear. And everyone else can too, because I think it would be very funny. I want to stab the world with a knife. Bye Diarrhea!

~Dooky

Age 12:

Hey Diarrhea,

Deceit called me stupid today. I don't think he meant to, but I don't think it was a lie. I was just talking to him. I thought I was being fun but he called me stupid. I wish I knew how to talk right so nobody hates me. Sometimes I want to scream so loud that I can't stop, and I scream all my insides out. Maybe if my lungs are hanging out of my mouth I won't be able to screw everything up all the time with all the dumb shit I say. Anyway, instead of being sad I decided to start drawing. Thomas read an article about how someone killing animals as a kid is a way to tell that they're going to turn into a serial killer, but if it's just in our head it should be okay. They're just drawings anyway. My red marker dried out, so making the blood is hard, but I learned that if I use green it makes them look infected. Green is better than red anyway. KIT Diarrhea!

~Dukey

Age 14:

Dammit Diarrhea,

I want to fuck everything. With and without a pulse. Logan says it's puberty, I say it's torture. I'm SO HORNY ALL THE TIME! Deceit threatened to get me fixed because I kept humping things, but I'd like to see him try. In other news, my mustache is finally coming in! It's pretty sparse right now but soon it'll be a force to be reckoned with. Everyone says they hate it and to shave it but I know they're just jealous. I don't blame them, I too would lash out if i saw something so glorious but lacked the backbone to commit to it myself. Being so desirable is not easy, but it's a burden i have to bear.

Stay sexy, Diarrhea.

~Dukey

Age 19:

Dear FUCKING Diarrhea,

Thomas got cheated on. The bf's dick wasn't even that big but everyone is all broken up about it. Especially Patton and Roman. I keep telling them that we just need to stab the dude and the slut he hooked up with and make it look like an accident but that just makes them cry harder. I'm trying my best but really all I can think about right now is having to get off alone until Thomas finds someone else, and he's really picky. Clearly not picky enough to find someone who won't fucking cheat! ZING! Anyway, I lied about his dick not being that big and I think I might join Patton and Roman in the pity party. Stay strong Diarrhea.

~Dukey

Age 21:

Deeeeeeeeeeear Diarrhea,

Guess who's plastered? Guess who's ABSOLUTELY shitfaced? Guess who's PROPER BLOTTO??? REMUS IS! We're twenty plus one today! Thomas isn't drunk, but I am! It's like.... take one drink right? Thomas is five sides all in one Thomas, so when he drinks one drink, we all get the buzz from the one drink, right? NAHHHH all of it goes in me! I get the drunk! One drink for thomas five for me! Guess how many drinks Thomas had? TWO! I feel so spinny! Anyway diary, I'm going to see how many more things I can break with the power of alchohol!

Okay, I'm back. I think I left I'm not sure but things got really blurry and now my door is locked and barred. I think Deceit put me in timeout. He's no fun. Doesnt he know I'm DRUNK and ready to PARTY?! Give me a second I'm going to try something else.

Hey, I'm back again. I have a chain on my ankle and I think I'm sticky. Oh shit i found some glass in my foot!

Fuck it's wearing off. I hope Thomas drinks more soon. Revolutionary idea: the normal world, but everyone is an alcoholic. I think I'm going to patent that. Stay thirsty my friend.

~Dukey

Age 25:

Diarrhea,

I think Virgil is scared of me. We were just talking like always, and he said something dumb that made me a little mad, about how I should calm down because maybe I was loud enough that Thomas might listen to me too much. I really don't like when people say to calm down, and I didn't like him implying that it would be some kind of issue for Thomas to think about how fast a person would have to run at a wire for it to split their whole body in half vertically from nose to ass. So I got a little bit angry, but I could still joke around so I asked Virgil if he wanted to test it out. I guess my voice was too angry, or my face looked too serious, because he flinched. He looked scared. I've seen him scared before, he's a huge pussy, but he's never looked at me like that. Fuck, now I'm wondering if maybe he has but I've just never seen it. I hope he knows that I would never hurt him, because I know he doesn't like that. I hope he knows that he's a better brother than Roman ever was, and I would slaughter everyone in the world and grind them into a bloody pulp under my heel for him. But I don't like to be mushy so I pushed him and told him to lighten up. He fell and looked even more scared. I promise I didn't mean to push him so hard. He got up and ran away to his room. I saw him again tonight and he didn't mention it. I'm not scary, Diarrhea.

~Dukey

Age 28:

Virgil left. He didn't even say goodbye. I heard him fighting with Deceit, but that's been happening a lot. He talked about leaving before but Deceit said it was an "empty promise". I haven't left my room since he left. It's been three days, and I'm starting to think he's not coming back. If Deceit tries to come in here I'll shed him myself. I don't want to talk to anybody. I just want to decay right here, into rot and dirt and slime. Why does Roman have to have everything that's mine? He was the one who wanted to split, he was the one who left me alone, he's always the perfect hero, what gives him the right? What gives him the right to steal Virgil too? He already gets Logan and Patton and Thomas and everyone perfect like him, what gives him the right to take the one best friend I had? If I can't have perfect, let me have Virgil. They talk about goodness and fairness but how is this fair? I want to stab the world with a knife. Wake me up when the world makes sense, Diarrhea.

~Remus

Age 30:

Dearest Diarrhea,

HOLY FUCK!!! I met Thomas! Of course I knew him already, but I MET him. I got to sing a song! And fucking DECK Roman! Deceit finaly let me out under mysterious circumstances, which are my favorite kind of circumstances! He gave me some script to say but hey whatever, I'm used to saying things aloud that I don't fully process. It went a little different than I was going for but guess what? Go ahead, guess! Fine I'll tell you! I GET TO BE IN VIDEOS! And hang out with Thomas and the lights! And Virgil! VIRGIL! And guess what he told me! Go on! Guess! Wow you're shit at guessing! He told me he's not scared of me! We had a MOMENT! I'm absolutely giddy. Deceit is pissy at me for some dumb reason but I never know what's going on with him. This is a new beginning, you just wait! Sexiest regards, Diarrhea!

~Dukey

[chefjarredjarred]

Anxiety. (excerpt)

People. “They're the worst,” Jerry once concurred with Elaine. And they are.

So I didn't really want a job as a verification specialist for a background check company,  making a hundred phone calls a day to anywhere in the country, but there was a time when it was a job I needed; it was remote so I could do it from my living room, it supplemented my main income from cooking and barbacking, and I was allowed to adjust my own schedule around that other work and my Tuesday morning therapy sessions.

But Jesus Christ, the people: the combative, the confused, the cavalier, the crotchety; the mousy, the crazy, the stupid, the lazy; the disgruntled, the bitter, the hateful, the bossy; the scammers, the liars, the paranoid; the unintelligible, or, through no fault of their own, the foreign; the mouth breathers, the assholes; the fast food workers, who are always a grab bag. I got them all, every day. And just one nice old lady from Florida, Ms. Charlene.

I got the job in part by cherry-picking some of my old chef experience and molding it all up into a wad of passable bullshit in the interview. Not lies, you know, just bullshit. I sold the personal importance of always speaking concisely and effectively, and of remaining cool and courteous and logical even when being angrily berated by the most ignorant, disrespectful know-nothings. Okay, so that one tiny lie. I made no mention of smashing saucers, slinging sheet pans, or every chef's favorite, smiting servers. (But come on, FOH, y'all know when you're asking for it.) I gave no indication that my rage, anxiety, and feelings of undeserved victimhood and exhaustion were a nest of coiled snakes, something every person who has ever worked in a kitchen around me could sense. Do your job, leave the attitude outside the kitchen doors, and speak only of pith and pertinence during service. Don't fuck with me, don't get fanged.

A bartender I worked with for years once called me unapproachable. It was in the same breath that she called me a dick, proving that the robotic personality of feigned professionalism and phony positivity (every company has their Stepford Wives, don't they?) on which she prided herself—loathed by so many in the restaurant—could be cracked, and I loved that I had been the one to do it. But the part about being a dick wasn't a bold quotable. My being unapproachable became a favorite running joke for years, perverted and perpetuated by me. Y'all think I'm unapproachable? I am. Fuck off.

But that's truncated, for effect and time. Fuck off, I have a job to do, is the real, full statement, and a linchpin tenet of my style of cheffing. I don't need loud voices, loud noises, disrespect, emotional clouding, confusion, excuses, etc., or that irritable anxiety snake could be disturbed. “Just the facts, ma'am.” There's just no time for the extraneous.

Don't disrupt the flow of food.

That's the principle I emphasized in the interview, just folded into the bullshit wad that made it applicable to phoning idiotic, ornery strangers—and Ms. Charlene. Obviously, I had to omit the venom, violence, viciousness, the vitriol. There was already a tiny stumble in there when the interviewer asked if I would describe myself as an introvert, and I, being honest to a fault at the most inappropriate moments, confessed that I would.

“You do know what this job is, right?”

I actually didn't, right up until about two seconds before that question, but I recovered gracefully, explaining some crap about being able to turn on the smiles and pleasantries when I meant business, something like that.

Fake smiles. Ugh. God dammit. I actively campaign against them. A fake smile is the opposite of Fuck off, of the pith and pertinence, the order and efficiency I expected, of just the facts. It's a capitulation, a white flag.

You know what I absolutely hate more than people? The expectation that I'm obligated to give them a fake smile. It's a banner that says you're willing to accept the extraneous, the unexpected, that whatever they are about to say and the way they will say it has some compelling power over you, and that you have all the time in the world to stand there and graciously let it be unloaded onto you. That your anxiety is not there and not real.

That you are approachable.

Fake smiles are blood in the water. That's right, when it goes from snakes to sharks.

“What we always say here is 'Smile and dial!'”

It was a virtual interview, and he couldn't see or hear my feet double-kick-drumming the floor. But what he did hear and what I couldn't believe was the fake laugh I forced through my fake smile. Jesus, Jarred, you're escalating? Allowance is support. “Sure, sure,” I said, as if I were a lifelong brown-noser. You're a disgrace.

“If you can run a kitchen, I have no doubt that you can do this.”

I didn't either. That's misinformation, that anxiety is simply fear. I wasn't afraid I would fail (literally anyone, barring anxiety, can be a verification “specialist”). In fact, I was totally confident I could succeed...theoretically. He said it: If I could run a kitchen, I could do this. The things that worried me were the scheduling, sleeping, caffeinating, eating, speaking, putting on my fake personality with my fake smile, and juggling and maintaining it all every day without falter, without letting on that there was any internal difficulty. I worried not about my actual job performance, but how I might struggle to simultaneously perform and hide my character flaws, i.e. the stuff that I left hanging out in the open when I was a chef. Does that make any sense?

Anxiety, not fear.

So the job was simple, but not easy, and there was a lot to make an anxious person anxious: the people, of course; the never-ending flood of calls; the quick navigating of the system when someone backpedaled or said something inaccurate or swung their mood in an instant; the software glitches; the hold music. Every second of the workday, even your coffee-caused poop break, was timed and factored in to your production average. You were judged and graded by making a ton of calls and/or closing as many cases as you could, which sounds fine, but is actually decided by chance more than some mathematical guarantee. That angered me the most, watching my closes and “touches” tabulated throughout the day, working against each other, my percentage of success being stretched thinner and thinner as I piled up calls that became mere touches rather than closes. It was the opposite of what we really wanted, and the secret little opposite of what we were trained to believe. The pessimist in me knew that the given goals were just out of reach, of course, so we would unknowingly meet the real goals and feel worthless at the end of the day, like we hadn't done enough. The realist in me hated the pretending that we had any control over it. The fatalist in me knew that it didn't matter, but could not force the crippled, anxious existentialist in me to just shut the fuck up.

...Oh, there is no optimist in here, if you were waiting for it.

I knew the fatalist was right after a sweet, timid childcare worker put me on hold to find something useful for me, which would only be a different number or a different person or, if life were easy, the name of a recognized third party verification website. This was 10:40 in the morning, in my first hour of the workday that was already a little too unfruitful. I watched the timer tick away, and when she returned, she had found...an unrecognized third party verification website. That meant I had to type a message into our Teams chat to request a supervisor's review and approval to put the name of the website in the little box and move to the next call.

Eight minutes had now passed as I waited for an answer. I had let the worker, Taylor, hang up already so she could get her eyes back on what wild heathens she may have had under her watch. It was a personal rule of mine to never hold restaurant workers or childcare workers hostage on the phone, because their work was more important than mine. I thought about the time my mom came to pick me up from one of these daycare facilities, walking in at the same time as another little boy's father, together to catch the perfect and precise moment that I socked that boy right across his jaw with full force, superhero super-spinning into that punch in defiance of his superior strength and grip of my head as he had tried to slam my skull into a wooden shelf for a second time. We were bloody, snotty, and sweaty in the throes of killer instinct, but I still caught the looks of horror on our parents' faces. Why the fistfight happened, I don't remember, but how? Well, because someone who was supposed to be paying attention, wasn't. Kids will go feral and push the boulder on Piggy as soon as your back is turned. I let Taylor off the phone for that reason. I waited for a supervisor's response in the chat, watching the seconds count on and that first hour, and thus the rest of my day and any hope of average achievement, drift away from me. They told me the site was no good and I needed to call poor Taylor back and try again. I sighed, copied the number and clicked the button, explained to her what was happening, and with real politeness she placed me, again, on hold. She came back with a phone number but the same uncertainty.

But in the chat, a supervisor had offered another phone number, different from what I was now taking down on the call. I was urged to try that one instead, so I let Taylor go back to the children a final time, and made my third phone call of the case. An automated message finally pointed me to a recognized third party verification website, and gave the particular employer code needed to access it. The anxiety snake and the rage snake were waking and knotted. I clicked the Other Automated Method button...and the system skipped on to complete the case, without letting me input the website or the code. “No, hell no.” I backed up and tried again. Same result, the skip. I went back to the chat and explained, and typed “Can someone please help me before my head explodes” with no punctuation.

A supervisor called me, and I shared my screen with her. “Let's see what happ—Oh, the client put it on hold, so just exit. It doesn't matter.”

It doesn't matter.

11:01. One close, 13 touches. I was white hot.

The anxiety, the rage, the pessimism, realism, fatalism, the whole nest of snakes was awake and wiggling, tossing, tangling themselves up like a... Well, you know. Like a rubber-band ball. I violently ripped the headset off of me, pushing breath through my teeth like the snarling little Jarred who punched that stupid kid in the mouth in the daycare brawl. I thought about that famed image of the snake eating its tail, whatever it's called. I thought about quitting. I thought about how two days before, my therapist and I had tried to come up with a suitable and available grounding technique I could try to prevent this exact, inevitable moment, this kind of anxiety attack. I thought about telling her how I thought that I was failing at everything. You're a disappoi— Shut the fuck up, Jarred—

It doesn't matter? I thought about that, that every moment of the day was part of the calculation of my performance grade for something ultimately shrugged off. That I spent 20 fucking minutes wasting my fucking time to get something that doesn't fucking matter but earns for me a judgment as if it does fucking matter.

But I thought about how I needed that little bit of extra money, and the other reasons for seeking and taking the job. Breathe, Jarred.

And that was not an isolated incident. Every day I fought for the energy and will to tether myself with the headset, log in, and hear the first ring. It came immediately, every single morning. I'd close my eyes and siiiigh through that first ring, just before being snatched along and pummeled by the frenzy.

I tried earnestly the smile-and-dial one time. I felt like Nicolas Cage in one of those especially wacky scenes of Face/Off. A total psycho, unhinged.

The calls were recorded and scrutinized, for quality and legality, and a handful a month were sent back to me to review whatever I had done wrong, or what I could do better.

Ah, yes. So there was another itchy, irritating thread of anxiety even on the less violent days.

Do you ever hear your own recorded voice and you hate yourself and wish you had never been born? Yeah, me too. So I only ever listened to one call and that was enough of that. I didn't want to hear myself. That voice wasn't mine, it was some cartoon-like, nasally Billy Bob Thornton's voice, reverberating somewhere way up high in the sinuses.

A hundred calls a day is a lot of talking. I began obsessing over how I pronounce—among many other things—the number four. There were fours everywhere, embedded, like chocolate chips in cookie dough, throughout almost every case number, and in our callback number I had to recite on dozens of voicemails per day. I wondered if I could trust my own ears in hearing the way I would say it, or if in reality I sounded like I was four. Fohwuh. Every day I ran this mental gamut of self-critique and insult, concentrating insanely on the most minute and deliberate flicks and curls of my tongue and lips. Any word becomes weirdly unnatural when you pay such specific attention to it. But I put so much (too much) effort into working on a competent phone voice not only so I wouldn't sound like a jackass, but so I could be efficient in my work and thus keep up with the production quota. I needed 20 touches an hour, not 13, so I needed people to understand me so I could get in, get out, and get on the next call. My strategy was to try and emulate the radio voice of Christopher Kimball—polite, proper, pronounced, professional. In my dirty pajamas, sitting on a lumpy pillow on a hand-me-down office chair as it was clawed to pieces by my screaming cats, I wanted to sound like I was wearing a bow tie. Like I was in a real office without cats, with a real college degree framed proudly on the wall. Polished and prepared.

It's hard work, if you can imagine. I'm not a talker. I don't like strangers. They're unpredictable. Any unexpected wrench in the routine could prove how fragile the facade is, that I'm actually a wobbly stack of quivering, anxious gremlins pretending to be a presentable person in, I guess, an imaginary bow tie.

It's hard work, if you'll let me say that again. But I thought I was doing pretty well. I hadn't cussed anyone out and I hadn't hurled the computer through the window, at least.

Then one day I called an office in Shelby, North Carolina. A woman answered, lazily, and I stated my reason for calling. She just said, “Hold on,” dismissively, with no practiced professionalism whatsoever. There's a lot of that out there. A rare treat then it was when I spoke with anyone trying to exude the same level of maturity as I, during business hours. My Kimball voice was for your benefit, lady. You didn't care. I know this because instead of really putting me on hold, instead of pressing a button to leave me in that telephonic waiting area listening to one of those overused cheap songs, like the one with the incessant MIDI claps that makes my toes tense and my teeth clench and jarringly reminds me that the anxiety is always bang-bang-banging at the door of the closet I locked it in, instead of just conducting two seconds of mundane business like a normal goddamn person, this woman just set the phone down on her desk and, evidently sickened beyond composure, blurted to her coworker, “God, I hate when someone clears their throat while I'm on the phone with them.” I did?

There I was, exposed, a bunch of phlegmy gremlins, collapsing and scrambling. Instantly I remembered the time my dad and stepmom asked me if I was on some kind of drug, because I cleared my throat “a lot.” Yeah, I don't know what they were talking about either, but apparently this involuntary habit is remarkably frequent. And a hundred calls a day I was doing this. How many of these people find me disgusting, inhuman, or think I'm on drugs? How about people in everyday life? Do my friends mock me? Who taught you how to function, Jarred? My mind spiraled, the snakes squirmed and seethed.

The rest of the phone call was stiff and clumsy, tears welling like a porn star's while I silently packed down the coughs and chokes congesting behind whatever ball of bile bottlenecking at the back of my throat, because I should die right on the living room carpet, sacrificial and blue, lest I irk this absolute cuntbag's social sensitivities, gurgling grotesque and oozing disease.

But am I crazy or...ahem...is that just trivially fucking inoffensive? If I had frog squatted on my desk and—“Verify this, bitch!”—farted into a metal basin full of Cracker Barrel gravy, then sure, be mad. Slam the phone down. Say to the guy by the copier, “Why me?!” and vow to get me fired. But if a natural, nonchalant throat-clearing infuriates you enough to comment on it, you're honestly just an asshole. It's not a frog squat gravy fart, it's not a rude personal affront. It's somewhere way below open mouth chewing, there around unfortunate but necessary nose blowing. I'm gross, you're gross, we're all gross. Get over it, and then, Fuck off, I have a job to do.

I did briefly wonder if maybe she's an anxious person too, a gremlin, maybe her facade is as fragile as mine, but I don't think so, because her attitude when she answered my call had already indicated to me that she never dressed up in a fake bow tie. She thinks she's a normal person: reckless, careless, unprofessional. No phone tone, no Kimball timbre. And because of that, she gave me another thing to worry about, to nag at me, something uncontrollable that I'd be trying to temper, something unconsciously mechanical now made noticeable and manual and clumsy. Thanks.

I was just worried about my goofy voice.

If you're thinking that it's all just a little silly and ridiculously minuscule, then congratulations, you're one of those “normal” people, like Ms. Shelby North Carolina. You make our lives worse.

[angeleyesmalek]

Lost Dog

Pairing: Elliot Alderson x Reader

Summary: Flipper gets lost and found.

Warnings: The usual poorly written story. I don’t even think I curse in this one.

Word Count: 1,813

>Sometime past nine in the evening, you hurriedly strode home. It had been a long day, and you were glad to finally have some time to yourself. You’d been compiling a to-do list in your head of all the chores you’d have to complete once you got back to your apartment, but something in a building’s alcove caught your attention. There was a little black mop of fur who was sniffing at some littered newspapers.

The little bundle of fluff lifted its head to meet your eyes, and you realized it was a puppy, so you slowed your pace to a stop. The dog began wagging her tail excitedly at you since you’d stopped. You glanced around to find nobody around on the deserted little street. It was obvious the little bug was either a stray or lost.

When the little booger trotted excitedly towards you, you noticed a glint of metal from a collar. Taking your chances with the little terrier, you knelt down just in time for little paws to jump up on you while the puppy started licking you. Through your pleased giggling, you managed to grab hold of the collar to find the name “Flipper” engraved into the metal. On the other side of the tag, you read off a phone number to call if the dog ever got lost.

“Hi, Flipper,” you greeted the excited bundle of joy while you scratched behind little ears, “Are you lost?”

While you gave the puppy your affection, you noticed the little bug’s fur wasn’t too greasy, so it mustn’t have been long since they’d run away. You scooped the little mop into your arms, checking her underside before noting, “Alright, girl. You can come home with me tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll call your owner. It’s too late to bother them tonight, but I don’t mind you spending the night with me if you don’t mind staying with me.”

Flipper squirmed in your embrace just enough to lick your face. “I don’t think you mind, though, so let’s go.”

After you made your way to your building, you quickly unlocked your door and placed your new friend on your floor. “Well, this is it. I’m gonna go get some food from my neighbor, so I’ll be right back. Be a good girl while I’m gone, or else I won’t let you sleep in my bed tonight, okay?” you warned Flipper while she sniffed around.

You knew your neighbor had a dog, so you quickly knocked on his door for some food and supplies. He was happy to give you some for Flipper before you returned to find she’d hidden somewhere.

“Flipper!” you excitedly called before you knelt down with her food. A little black blur dashed out from under your desk at the sound of her name, and she quickly sat at attention, realizing you held her dinner.

You placed her dish down on the floor before you got her a bowl of water and sat down cross legged beside her, waiting for her to finish. Once she’d gotten enough to eat and drink, she hopped over onto your lap. You quickly smiled at her before you scooped her up yet again along with the dog shampoo you neighbor had leant you.

“Alright, baby,” you told her, “I don’t know how you feel about this, but it’s time for a bath, so let’s get you all squeaky clean.”

To your surprise, Flipper quite enjoyed bath time, as did you. You helped her get all wet and lathered up in the tub of your shower before you rinsed her off and wrapped her up in a towel. After she shook out her fur and got all her zoomies out, you grabbed your hair dryer and began to work at her on the cool setting. All the while, you couldn’t help talking to her and playing with her.

After a few more zoomies and some playtime with you, Flipper laid down in the middle of your floor, pooped.

“I know how you feel, girl,” you agreed, dragging your feet until you plopped down on your couch. “

After a few minutes of both of you catching your breath, Flipper trotted over to you. Just as she was about to lay by your feet, you picked her up to sit on your lap, also retrieving the book you’d been reading from your table. You then put your feet up on the couch and opened your book, all while stroking the adorable pup who was making herself comfortable on your lap.

A few hours went by like that until you felt your eyes getting heavy. You didn’t want to go to sleep, though. Going to sleep meant you’d have to call Flipper’s owner in the morning, and that meant giving her back. As stupid as you though it sounded, you didn’t want to let her go. The steady beating of her little heart and the small breaths she let out through her nose made your heart feel full for once.

However, you didn’t want to fall asleep on the couch, so you decided to go through with your nightly routine before you got into bed. Once you’d taken Flipper out one last time and gotten under the covers, you picked the little pup up and placed her on your bed with you. She quickly cuddled up next to you to give you puppy kisses the second you laid back, before you pushed her away with a giggle. It made you smile when she climbed on top of you and laid down in a little ball.

Flipper’s little lungs expanded and deflated while you stroked her fur. She laid contently on your torso, her head resting on your chest while studying your facial features. The amount of unconditional love and adoration in her little brown eyes could have made your heart burst. The pup had made a home in your heart over the course of one evening. There was something about her that made your heart open up, and now, you didn’t want to imagine a day without her.

Tomorrow was going to be hard.

_

Her owner’s name was Elliot. You’d called him, and you agreed to meet up in Central Park to drop her off. Now, you laid on the grass, playing with Flipper and running around with her. You tried your best to not think about your impending goodbye, but you couldn’t help the ache in your heart.

Whoever said “love at first sight’s for suckers” was fucking stupid. You loved this dog, and this dog loved you. It’d been so long since you’d felt loved this deeply, so you did your best to take it all in. While you laid on the grass, Flipper rested tucked into your side with your arm around her. The sound of her exhausted panting made the sun caressing your skin even warmer, and you couldn’t help smiling while you pet her, your eyes closed in contentment.

“Um… Y/N?”

The voice made your eyes snap open, and Flipper quickly dashed out of your embrace. You shot up to see where she was running, and you noticed her racing to a guy a few years older than you decked in all black with his hoodie pulled over his head. He was carrying a leash. Flipper ran laps around his legs while he continued approaching you, making sure to not kick or step on Flipper in the process.

Seeing her excitement made the figure smile slightly. He didn’t look like he smiled often, and it made your heart happy to know Flipper brought him joy like she’d done for you.

“You must be Elliot,” you guessed, extending your hand to shake. However, Elliot didn’t take it. Instead he just stared at it awkwardly before you dropped it awkwardly. You quickly apologized for the act, mumbling, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he trailed off, “Thanks for taking care of Flipper. Looks like she had fun.”

Flipper was now sitting between the two of you, wagging her tail and glancing back and forth, almost like she was expecting something. You glanced down at her with a fond smile. “I hope so. I know I had a lot of fun. She’s quite the sweetheart. It’s been breaking my heart thinking that I won’t be seeing her all the time now.”

Elliot had bent over to lock the leash to Flipper’s collar before he straightened up. “We can stay for a bit if you want.”

You glanced at Elliot. He seemed sweet, but he also appeared uncomfortable. “It’s fine,” you assured him, “You look like you want to be anywhere but here, so I won’t make you stay. I probably sound like a creep. I’m sorry.”

Elliot shrugged at you. “I’m just not good at meeting people.”

“Do you get really nervous too?” you inquired shyly. Elliot nodded in response. “Well, we can be nervous together then… As long as you don’t laugh at me for doing stupid and awkward things.”

Elliot’s lips twitched into a crooked smile while he glanced down at his black sneakers. “Only if you promise not to laugh at me,” he retorted.

You beamed uncontrollably while you mirrored his gaze at the ground. You agreed, “I promise. I will laugh if you tell a joke, though.”

_

Your eyelids drooped while the screen of Elliot’s laptop went in and out of focus before you. Your heavy hand that was stroking Flipper mere minutes ago was now resting atop the little ball of black fur tucked beside you. Elliot paused Back to the Future from his spot on the other side of Flipper.

“Hey,” you slurred your words, your voice thick with sleep, “Why’d you stop it?”

“Go to sleep,” Elliot mumbled while he placed his computer beside his mattress.

“M’not tired,” you obviously lied to him. You knew he was smirking at your comment, which was really the only reason why you’d said it.

“Hush,” he silenced you before he shifted back into the bed. His arm brushed against yours since you had your arm around Flipper, and the contact made you smile. He didn’t pull away.

“El,” you mumbled. You heard him hum in response, so you continued, “Your skin’s real soft. S’nice.”

He didn’t thank you or anything, but you knew the comment would make him smile, so you said it. He didn’t like touching people. You knew that. He didn’t even touch you much. Still, it made you feel special when he didn’t pull away. This was just your way of telling him. He knew that too.

“Y/N,” Elliot said after a second. Now, you hummed in response, too tired to do anything else. “Thanks for finding Flipper.”

“Can’t imagine the past year of my life without you two,” you mumbled in response. Flipper really did bring so much love into your life. Your heart could hardly contain it.

Tagging: @malek-lover @sherlollydramoine 

[mylifeasaserver]

My Day As It Happened: Mother's Day 2019

9AM: My stupid ass wakes up because my stupid ass volunteered to go in early because my stupid ass wants more money for storm chasing.

9:30AM: My stupid ass finally gets out of bed. I rush through the shower and head to work, making the critical mistake of missing breakfast when I have a long day ahead.

9:45AM: My stupid ass shows up to a packed parking lot with a ton of people out front. I get out of my car and some jackass in the parking lot asks me if I know how long the wait is. I inform him that I don't, I just got here. He tells me to call and find out for him, I decline. He tells me I'm lazy, in return I call him a jackass.

9:50AM: I walk in and I'm informed that I have 5 tables waiting for me - they know I always show up early so they went ahead and sat me. Joke's on them though, I only came in early because I have to poop. The GM is very displeased when I tell him I'm going to the employee bathroom and it won't be safe to enter until the door handle stops glowing.

9:56AM: I have successfully completed one of those dumps that really gives you a boost and improves your mood - deny it if you want, but you know exactly what I'm talking about.

10AM: After a thorough hand washing because I'm an asshole but I'm not disgusting, I find out that the GM went to each of my tables while I was ascending to another plane of existence and informed them I was on my way but would be a few minutes. Since they had a seat, all were comfortable with a couple minute wait.

10:15AM: All 5 tables have drinks and their orders are in. I stacked the tickets and put them all in at once. The GM tells me not to do that, but has no response when I ask him which tables I should've ignored in favor of a slower approach. It's now I'm told about our sales contest.

10:20AM: A server in the next section over asks me to pick up a 2-top she's too weeded to take. I agree. It's my newest friend Jackass, from the parking lot. OH BOY! He asks me if I regret giving him grief earlier since now I'm not getting a tip, and tells me to be honest. The smug look falls off his face when I tell him I don't care, as I'll have more than enough tables today so his non-tip won't even register. I'll still give him passable service though. He orders.

10:55AM: All 6 of my tables have their food, full drinks, and their check. All of them, even Jackass, are happy with the level of service they were given. I know because Jackass was the worst tip at 13%. It was nice that we could reach some level of understanding.

12:15PM: The kitchen comes to a standstill. No orders leave for 15 minutes, and none of the servers know why. I never did find out. I didn't ask either, so there's that.

1:30PM: We're off wait, and sections are adjusted for the night servers. Most of us get a 5 table section. The hostess, the really good one, starts apologizing to me. She double sat me 2-tops and doesn't want me to get mad at her. I laugh because double sat 2-tops is nothing. She's a good kid. I tell her if any server gives her shit about such a ridiculous thing to tell them to go bus themselves.

2PM: I get double sat again - a 5-top and a 10-top, but right next to one another. Company policy is anything over an 8-top requires 2 servers, but company policy can go fuck itself.

2:15PM: The 5 top has ordered, the 10 isn't even all here. I cleverly get drinks for those that are there, because that's less I have to do later. One of the adults spills his water.

2:20PM: The water mess is cleaned up, and the people at both tables have a good laugh as I give the adult a kid's cup. Now having a good time, both tables interact with one another and me. A good tip is all but guaranteed. I have no other tables, so I take the time to fuck around with people in my section.

2:30PM: The rest of the 10-top arrive, and they all order what I recommend. All ten of them - this really bodes well for the sales contest.

3PM: The 5-top is happily chatting with one another after finishing their meal. At this point they can camp all night and I wouldn't care. The 10-top is happily eating the food I recommended. Since the window (where food magically appears in the kitchen for servers to run, for those of you who don't work in a restaurant) is clear and I have no dirty tables, I start walking around the dining rooms looking for dishes to take or refills to get to help coworkers. I find two tables that say they've been waiting 25 minutes for service.

3:15PM: I find out that Duckface showed up, checked in with the hosts, and then promptly got sent home because she wouldn't put her goddamn phone away. Nobody thought to tell the hosts. Now I have tables in 2 dining rooms. Delightful. Their orders are in and I offer both tables a free dessert for the inconvenience.

4PM: Both neglected tables have eaten and enjoyed their free dessert. I tell the GM what I did and he flips his shit - telling me I can't go giving food away. I tell the GM I planned to pay for the desserts myself and show him the slip to prove it, and then tell him I'll buy anything I want for my tables. I get enough off of both tables to buy the desserts 7.5 times over. I know how to handle annoyed people.

5PM: I have no tables anywhere in the dining room, but the hostess who sucks at her job decides to try something new: following rotation. Soon I have 3 tables. All are super chill people.

5:30PM: The GM asks me if I can take a 17-top on my own. I look at my three tables - none of which need a damn thing - and tell him that yes, I can take a 17 on my own. Company policy clearly only applies when it's convenient, so I can conveniently circumvent it when it suits me. I make a mental note to remember this table for when I defy policy in the future.

5:45PM: I only have the 17 people at this point. Their order is in. They have drinks.

6PM: The order for the 17 top comes out of the kitchen. 3 steaks were overcooked, 2 plates had the wrong sides, and 2 of the delivered plates weren't what was supposed to be part of the order. First thought I have? HOW DID I FUCK IT UP SO BAD? Wasn't me. Fortunately, the steaks were mid rare, sides are an easy fix, and the other 2 plates were an easy fix. The people were cool about it. I do not offer free desserts.

7PM: The 17-top is done eating. Prebussing is done. Checks are split and delivered. The hostess asks me if I mind being skipped in rotation so I can help another server who is having a rough time of things. I may have misjudged her, so I'm glad I follow my own advice and don't give the host(esse)s any shit. I don't care if I don't get any other tables at this point of the night since I'm due to be cut soon. The server in need of help has a particularly difficult table that's trying to do their best to be the most pain in the ass group in restaurant history. She has 2 other tables that I more or less take over. I more or less don't take the tips though, because that's not helping. I make a mental note to remember these tables for when I need help in the future...just in case.

7:10PM: The Table of Pain has successfully given their server a mini breakdown, and while she's composing herself the good manager makes a grave mistake and asks me to care for this table. The regret of this decision could weigh on her for quite some time, depending on how this plays out. The table is four bastardly old people who aren't happy with anything and hate everything. They seem to freely hurl insults at me as they did the server who is still out back.

7:15PM: I've decided that I give zero fucks about what these people think. If they want to be pissy assholes I will happily deliver a reason for it. They inform me that every time they come to our restaurant the food is bad, the service is bad, and our prices (which are pretty fucking cheap) are too high. I tell them it's mighty stupid to keep coming back when things are that bad, but that's more on them than on us. Much to my disappointment, they respond favorably to this treatment. They must have assumed I was joking.

7:20PM: I tell the Table of Pain that since they clearly don't know how to order food I'm going to order for them (coincidentally the dinner in the sales contest.) Again, they bewilder me by responding favorably to it. I decide that if they like abuse that I'm here for them. I allow them to order sides and I put the order in.

7:30PM: The Table of Pain officially becomes mine, and the other two that I more or less took over have left. Oh goody. I refill drinks at my sole table, and tell them that I don't care whether they want more to drink or not so they can deal with it. I think I have this figured out.

7:45PM: The food arrives. I put the main course (same for everybody) down on the table, and tell them they can figure out who gets what side, and then I put them down wherever there was room. The good manager hears this and drags me into the office to ask me what the hell I'm thinking.

8PM: I'm cut. I'm also not going to give the Table of Pain a chance to say they were ignored.

8:30PM: The Table of Pain is done eating. I tell them they can figure out splitting the check on their own and they decide to surprise me by using the word "please" in asking me to split it for them. I say "Fine, if you're gonna be nice about it." I split the checks and tell them to leave and not let the door hit them on the way out. They clearly must assume I'm kidding. Again I'm dragged into the office so the good manager can try and figure out what the hell I'm thinking. If they complain I'm being written up. SO SCARY!

8:35PM: The Table of Pain flags down a server and asks for the manager. She goes out. They tell her they actually enjoyed themselves "for once" and their waitress gave them a hard time and they liked it. MOTHERFUCKERS I WAS TRYING TO PISS YOU OFF SO YOU WOULDNT COME BACK! Now I get to clean my section, do my sidework, and roll silverware.

8:45PM: Reap the rewards of a 4% tip from the Table of Pain and discover the hostess that I previously thought sucked at her job had already cleared and wiped my tables for me. Now I'm tipping her out because despite company policy forbidding it, my GM has taught me to ignore policy when it suits me.

9:15PM: My side work is done. My section is cleared. I find out that I won the sales contest - and it wasn't even close - and one of the prizes offered was to skip rolling silverware. **for those wondering, the other choices were to get cut early one night this coming week, choose your section, or a free meal** I gleefully claim my prize of not rolling silverware and run the hell out of the building. All in all, a decent mother's day to work. Decent money too.

Normally I don't use my blog to advertise for anybody or anything, but my friend Jess has started doing art commissions. I enjoy her work and have ordered a painting for myself. Even if you don't want to buy, give her page a visit and say something nice. And if you do want to buy or have questions, talk to her. She's a good friend of mine and she's super nice. -J

theart-ofjess.tumblr.com

[journalofasadperson]

journel

I had another journal before this and i typed in it. but i have no idea if i should post it because of how harsh it sounds. i say a lot of swear words so like.... 

keep reading at your own discretion

tw self-harm,death,among many other things

2:56 September 14 2019

I really want to use the machete. And no! It’s not for cutting my self you sick bastard. Like I think about it, but it doesn’t mean I will do it . I hate when people assume things and assume I don’t have self control and that I am just “crazy”. I WONT DO IT JESUS CHRIST I CAN HEAR YOUR THINKING FROM HERE :< I want to use it for fun!! Like cutting plants! (More like weeds) it’s fun clearing things out

I think mum is trying to make feel better about eating watermelon with my mouth here in Peru

Damn not remembering must suck. But then again if I lost certain memories I wouldn’t mind.

I like the country side more. Hunting would be fun as long as the ecosystem needs it. Though I still wouldn’t kill bears :< it’s too sad. Unless they really are hurting others.

Ha ha oh ya the phone has destroyed everything :, ) lmao it has completely destroyed everything. And aw yes science going ahead and further is making more corruption. Aw yaaaaa 🙄🙄🙄 this guy I swear.

At this point I have been quiet for so long. This is the quietest I have ever been. I feel very mute. If I start talking no one will listen to what I say because of age and all that bullshit.

The people are nice. Very caring :). There are just certain things we don’t agree on.

Coming back to the city - 7:29pm same day

5:28 September 21

Going to go home at midnight! I talked to the mama and she was super sad. Talking about how she is forgetting things. I wonder if that will happen to me?

8:25 in Salvador (high up in the air) sept 22

So I saw a big burly man hugging his stuff animal (dog), rippoff Justin biber, and discounted Jesus. (also a latino version of captain sparkles)

2:25 pm in US,Seattle, Oct. 25

well, hello cool area! I am back to typing on this note. Because i am still sad as fuck. Or something. I can’t tell the difference. I’m just really.fucking.tired. I want to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I want to sleep forever... you know I can see how my past self wanted to kill myself. I know most of my friends don’t feel indifferent but you know. When you are like this you think the opposite. I feel a lot of love from my best friends though. A few people from discord. I can’t wait to go to school next week. I want to get out of this fucking hell hole. I think I’m going non verbal. Which fucking sucksSUCCCKKKKKS! But oh well. I wonder if my brother cares at all. Like I know he does. But I guess not the yelling part sense I am 17. Gee thanks bro. I hate getting yelled at. I am very sick of it. I wished I did die. But I don’t want too. I just want to not get yelled at for being “stupid” or for being a “dumbass” but hey at least grandma and Ramiro don’t yell at me. I hate this feeling. I thought the whole yelling at me and telling me she was going to hit me would be gone by now. You know?? She only hit me once. And too used yell at me all the time. That’s why I hated middle school for a period... it fucking sucked, I hated going back home. I am always anxious. Like... can I even sit??? Or something? And they tell me you are being lazy or not doing things you should be doing. I should be doing something with the house or some shit. I get it bro, maintaining a house is fucking hard. I never said it was easy. FUCK nothing is easy and I hate how they think I think it’s easy. Of course fucking not. You think I am that inept. That I don’t care? Well fucking news flash! I do. This is why I have voices in my head ladies and gentlemen and non-binary lovelies! They remind me to do things and talk to me through things. They are very helpful at times. I should have stayed depressed... Maybe then I would be oh so fucking helpful. I need to get this out. Thank god for notes in my phone. Thank god for my phone in general. I would have died earlier with out it. Getting info on what self harm is and seeking communities for comfort is great. And learning is better on here anyways. So ya, fuck you.

10:53 am Oct 26

Mum said people would leave me if I am not more considerate. Aka better :) and love me haha.

I keep having nightmares

11:23 am

I am not feeling great. I am thinking suicidal again. I don’t like it. Every time I look at mom I get nervous..... I haven’t taken my meds.

Just took them. Maybe that why I am happier. Because I blocked out all those times she has yelled at me and belittled me. I don’t like remembering that.

...footsteps scare me

But anyways! Thank god for the meds! Helps me forget some of this shit! :)

(I know that’s not good but like what else I’m I supposed to do)

I can’t to go to LA and spend the rest of my life there. I want to live with my best friends! And have fun and not get yelled at!

11:48

Forget anything I said. I am going to forget and pretend none of this ever happened.

So I woke up! And I had nightmares! But that’s okay because I got to sleep in a little bit more! And I can’t wait to bake and me and my grandma are going to spend time together! :D and my mum is going to go with my brother!

10:32PM Oct. 28 2019

My old roommate Don epfaniyo came by. Got beaten up really fucking good. They kicked him, scratched him and punched him. He went to the hospital last night. Went there at 9:00PM? He said the fight started at 9:00PM. Probably the fight didn’t last that long. But fuck. He is not doing so hot right now. Both of his eyes are red and his skin looked like he was skidded on the pavement.  They (don Carlos/epfaniyo and right now my roommate who is about to leave) are joking around. Glad they can still laugh, but that also means they are used to it. I hope his in law can find peace in his soul.

5:07pm Oct. 29 2019

Finished a doc appointment. It was super weird though. The nice pregnant lady kept asking me questions, like a lot of questions. Like if I was being abused at home or if I felt safe at home/ with myself. I wonder if I do look worse for wear... she was super nice though :) I’m glad I talked to her she didn’t judge me at all. I wish she was always my doctor. She asked me about my mental health and how I was doing at school. To be honest I don’t know if I lied. I tried my best to talk to her though. I have been having urges to kill myself I told her but I reassured her I wouldn’t because I have people that care about me. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want to die to be honest. I just want too move out and get more help. I want to explore more :) I can’t wait to leave. The next days will be tough because I won’t have my meds... first time I am without my meds. I don’t think things are going to go super good. But it’s going to be okay :D

7:38pm Nov 9

I guess I can’t fuck up with paco either. I get scolded for almost throwing up at his poop. And sneered at me saying “you can put away the bags right? You won’t vomit then?” Like geez woman I’m sorry I’m learning. Paco has been coughing a lot. And I don’t really wanna play because he has a fuck ton of more energy then me. He deserves a better family to be honest. Mum wanted this and I went along cause I wanted to give paco a good home and I thought maybe if he came things would get better. But why do I lie to myself.

God,maybe I am a fuck up.

9:10pm Nov 11

I feel like fucking shit. To be honest I don’t even know how to breathe some days and when I go to therapy I forget I was sad and not lie, but forget to write down I am wanting to die. I want to break everything I own and die. How can I function when my mum wants to tell me what do. Oh sorry forgetting about time because to me TIME IS NONEXISTNET FUCK YOU.I DONT HATE YOU I JUST DON’T SEE YOU ANYMORE

I wonder if this is why people kill themselves. Do I hate myself? I don’t I do. Logically its not my fault. I think anyways

Paco is being cute though. He is a nice distraction. GOD I hate that Carla was right about keeping a journal. Oh I forgot to mention abby is not interested in me. Which gives me so much closure! (I had no idea what her feelings were so like I do I proceed thy friendship lmao)I am thankful for having good friends. I just wish I didn’t see everyone like npc though. I feel like they are npc because I don’t know. I am glad paco is here, he lights up the place even though he poops EVERYWHERE. lol. Anyways I keep hearing the voices sometimes really strong other times I feel like going crazy. Like actual  crazy none of that fake shit. Like fuck man. I go into this mind palace and force all my frustration there.i am allowed to go crazy I am allowed to scream and walk around the streets singing/dancing/talking to myself.its fun I am allowed to break bottles and walk around with my mother worrying about me. She is not there in that plane she is at home not worrying about me.

The song of the day Good day by BTS

Keep fighting

[specialmindz]

“YIP! YIP!”

A small annoying dog bounced around the two little skeletons, hoping for one of them to drop one of their tasty frozen treats.

“YIP, YIP YIP YIP!”

“i think he wants your ice cream bro...” said Sans slyly.

“ALL HE’S GONNA GET IS MAH FOOT UP HIS ASS! DIS MY ICE CWEAM! GO WAY DOODY-DOG!”

“YIP YIP!” The dog continued to run about, completely oblivious to the infant’s anger.

“pap, it’s melting.”

“*GASP!*” Frantically, Papyrus lapped at his cone, not wanting his hand and sleeve to get sticky and gross. He usually waited until his ice cream was gone before intentionally getting messy like a good baby, but this dog was proving to be quite a distraction.

“YOU WANNA DIE DOGGY? IS DAT WHAT YOU WANT? I USE YO’ FUR AS A BLANKY!”

“why don’t you just give him a little lick pap? just a little one.”

“Nyeh?” Pap looked at him quizzically. “You want me to lick da’ pup?”

“no-”

“I lick em’ on da’ snout?”

“no bro, you’re not listening to me.”

 And the baby continued not to listen, giving the dog a small lick on the nose. Maybe if the doggy thought Papyrus was a friend, he would stop trying to get at his ice cream.

Friends didn’t take friend’s ice cream.

“There you go doody-dog! We friends now, so you go home.”

The dog pawed at his nose and whimpered, not liking how the air was now suddenly too chilly in that particular area.

“you’re so gross pap, heh heh heh!”

“Nyeh? YOU GOSS! I gots to protect mah cweam cause’ SOMEBODY won’t look after me!”

“i have one hp bro! whaddya’ want me to do, kick em’? he’ll bite me and i’ll die papyrus.”

“Throw a snowball then lazybones! Im-po-vise!”

“now if i do that, i’ll have to hold my cone in one hand or it’ll get dirty, and eventually my arm will get tired and then i’ll have a problem.”

“YOU HAVE A PROBLEM NOW!”

“not with these i don’t,” said Sans pulling out an old CD player and ear buds. The batteries were long dead, but luckily for him, Papyrus didn’t know that. He could pretend not to hear him as long as the infant didn’t start wondering why he never heard anything despite his older brother turning the volume up whenever he yelled.

 “Why you gotta ignore the baby Snas? I gots a per-dicament over here and you’s not helping me...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...I hope you drop your stupid stink phallic ice cweam.”

“my ice creams not phallic!”

“Yes it is. Why you so cweepy Snas? Don’t you want friends?”

“I’M creepy?! my ice cream’s just like this, i didn’t make it! besides, who pretends his spaghetti noodles are snakes?”

 “I does! Da’ meatballs be eggies,” said the baby smiling. “The biggest noodle be the mama snake and I’s the bird that gobbles em’ all up! Nyeh heh heh!”

“...”

“Then I eats the eggs.”

Sans chuckled and slurped up some juice from his popsicle. “you eat the eggs huh? you know there are babies in those eggs...”

“...Nyeh?”

“yep. little baby snakes. 

“Nuh uh! The eggs be for the snake’s breakfast! People don’t eat babies!” 

“uh, yeah they do bro. where do you think baby snakes come from? you think the mom just poops them out?”

“Yes.”

“no. no pap, they come from eggs.”

 Papyrus’s eyes filled with tears. “I’s eating babies...?” 

“uh..”

Oh crap!

“Nyeh…nyeehhh…”

“no! no no no, don’t cry! you’re PRETENDING to eat babies! your meatballs are made of meat pappy.”

“Meat of baby?”

“no bro, they’re probably made of magic.”

“Magic babies?”

“NO.”

  Note to self, don’t feed Pappy eggs.

“Is dis ice cweam made of baby?” The baby bones held up his melting ice cream.

“*sigh* no bro, it’s not. just eggs.”

“But there be a talking snowman over in Snowdin. Maybe dis ice cweam be his baby!”

“nope.”

“But maybe it is! Maybe da’ ice cweam man be evil big Buther! Maybe he steals the snowman babies and sells em’ on da’ market!”

“…i highly doubt that.”

“I bet he do. I bet he evil as hell! You just like him cause’ he give you food.”

“hey screw you pal, I like him cause’ he’s cheap-”

“YOU CHEEP! YOU SELL YOUR MORALITY FOR SWEETS! You’s bad big Buther, you’s bad and I’m telling Daddy!”

“you do that.”

“I’m gonna! Imma tell upon you and destroy da’ ice cweam man too!”

“the hell you will! you leave that monster alone papyrus!”

“NYEH HEE HEE! IMMA SAVE DA’ BABIES!”

“GET BACK HERE!”

The infant took off like a bullet, the dog and Sans right on his heels.

“YIP YIP!”

“GET LOST DOODY-DOG! I’S RUNNING OVER HERE!”

“TRIP HIM! TRIP HIM DOG!”

“DON’T TRIP DA’ BABY!”

“YIP, YIP YIP!”

“Huh?” The ice cream man tilted his head from behind the umbrella of his cart to try and spot where the commotion was coming from. “Aw-hawww, are you three having fun?”

“RUN DUDE! FUCKING RUN!!”

“DIE BABY-KILLER!!”

BLOOSH!

BLOOSH!

Two Gaster Blasters fired in succession, one incinerating the ice cream man’s hat.

“AHHH! WHAT THE HELL KID?!”

“NYEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

BLOOSH!

BLOOSH!

“WHY IS HE ATTACKING ME? SANS YOU SWORE HE WOULDN’T ATTACK ME!”

“YOU’S SELLING BABIES ON DA’ MARKET!”

BLOOSH!

“SANS GET YOUR CRAZY BROTHER!!” Screamed the cart-owner ducking down. It was a miracle he hadn’t been killed yet, but if this kept up…

“I’M TRYING! BRO STOP!”

“I GOTS TO SAVE THE BABIES SNAS!”

“THE ICE CREAM’S NOT MADE OF BABIES, IT’S MADE OF MILK!”

“Nyeh?” Papyrus stopped. “But is all frozen and-“ looking down at his ice cream, he saw that it was no longer frozen; the heat wafting in from Hotland had melted it, leaving only bits of magic strawberries behind.

“*SLUUURP!* EWWWW! Dis NASTY! It taste like medi-sin! You trying to get baby high? You work wit Jerry?”

“yeah pap. he’s the high cream man, heh heh heh!”

“…Go home Snas.”

“YIP YIP YIP!” The little dog joyfully lapped up the drippings of the cone, seemingly oblivious to the whole situation. The monster behind the cart was sadly however, NOT so ADHD.

“Why don’t you BOTH go home? Just-just all of you GO HOME.”

“wh-why me? What’d I do?”

“What’d you do? You made a joke instead of I dunno, maybe TELLING YOUR BROTHER NOT TO MURDER PEOPLE?”

“…it was just a joke. I was just trying to lighten the mood a lil’ bit, chill out.”

“It’s not the joke Sans, it’s the fact that you ignored what just happened. I’ve seen you two playing alone for a long time now and it’s because of THIS that you ARE alone. You can’t just ignore your brother’s dangerous behavior or it’s going to get worse-”

“whatever!” exclaimed Sans, highly offended. “who are you to tell me how to raise MY family? you don’t know me OR my bro! pap’s just a baby, i’m sorry he can’t control his emotions ALL the time! i’m not his dad anyway, he’s not MY responsibility-”

“You’re not much of a brother either. Why don’t you try a bit more discipline or something? If that doesn’t work, maybe you should consider putting him somewhere he can’t hurt people.”

“Nyeh…?”

“i’ll keep that in mind. in the meantime, maaaybe you should consider minding your own business?”

“You sending me away…?”

“of course not baby bro,” said Sans, kneeling down and placing a hand on the infant’s shoulder. “you mean the world to me! who’d want to get rid of such a cute baby anyway?”

“Dat’s too…but is also too dat you don’t gots many friends. Is dat really cause’ of me?”

“Of course not,” said a voice from around the corner. “These people are just idiots. Idiot cowards.”

“flowey!”

“Yes yes, it’s Flowey the flower. Here to save the day once again. What seems to be the problem here?”

“This baby-”

“That question was rhetorical. We OBVIOUSLY have another case of a full grown adult picking on a child. Shocker.”

“HE ATTACKED ME!”

“The baby attacked you? With what?”

“With his magic cannon things!”

“He attacked you with his magic?”

“Yes!”

“That thing that EVERYBODY has? That thing YOU have?”

“Y-Yeah…”

“…”

“Look, I know what you’re getting at talking…flower…but I can’t just fight a baby-”

“Why not? If Papyrus is being a turd-sandwich then Beat. His. Ass. Simple.”

“Um, Dirtbutt, you’s not helping me very good…”

“Who says I’m here to help you? Hit the road thumb-sucker.”

“GRR! NYEH!” With all the strength a little baby bones could muster, Papyrus angrily threw his empty cone at the big-mouthed traitor in front of him, hoping to at LEAST cover him in yucky pink goo. Instead it hit the wall with a *CUSH!* and merely splattered on the ground; Waterfall’s runoff quickly washing it away.

“Nice shot, you’re a regular Robin Hood-”

“STUPID STINK FLOWER!”

“bro, no! we don’t throw things!”

“Sometimes I do…”

“no we don’t!”

“But sometimes I do…”

“He’s trying to tell you that you SHOULDN’T throw things,” said the ice cream man preparing another cone. No doubt the baby would want another one and anyone’s G was good G in his opinion, especially in these hard times. The ice cream man was one of the more profitable jobs in the Underground because of the importance people placed on their children, but his image needed to be maintained. Calm, patient, and kind; that was the ice cream man, and he was good at it. Sans had even once called him the Nice cream man as a joke and more and more people were beginning to catch on to the name. Hopefully one day his son would take over the family business, but until then…

“Would you like another cone? This time be sure to stay away from Waterfall’s exit, it tends to get a bit hot there.” He held the cone out to the infant with a smile, hoping the brothers both would forgive and forget their little argument.

WHAP!

“NOBODY WANTS YOUR STUPID MEDICATED ICE CREAM!” shouted Flowey, slapping the cone out of the monster’s hand. Papyrus quickly caught it using his Wingdings and looked at it curiously.

“Dis health cweam? Dis good for the baby?”

“Yes it is,” replied the ice cream man glaring at the plant. “It’s a special blend that’s easy to eat and heals children too young for adult medicine and foods. That’s why it’s so popular…speaking of medication,” his glare softened. “Are you in need of first aid? You’re a plant, but you look like you just came from Hotland…”

“I came from the Lab actually. And do you know WHY I came from the Lab?”

“Oooh ooh! Pick me! Baby knows!”

“Yeah? I bet Smiley knows too, don’tcha buddy?”

“…is it because I left you there-”

“IT’S BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME THERE!!”

The ice cream man slowly began to move his cart away towards Snowdin, hoping no one would notice him leaving. He didn’t know who this flower was, but he’d served customers like this before. The extra G was NOT worth the headache he was currently getting…nor was a cave-in.

“how’d you get past the lava entrance?”

“I FREAKING RAN SMILEY!”

The tiny plant dipped his burning roots in one of Waterfall’s shallow puddles. For a moment there, he didn’t think he would make it. It took a massive amount of courage and Determination to even attempt the journey, but with the help of his cabin fever, he found the strength to take a chance at freedom. Now though he had another problem.

Where am I gonna find a new place to photosynthesize?

I had Alphys’s sun lamps in the Lab, but here…

“I need to find a place with good sun…”

“Da’ Ruins gots good sun…”

“Huh?”

“bro, you’ve seen the sun?!”

“Where? Where is it?”

I’m NOT going back to that stupid lab.

“Is where dat big-ass door be…and da’ doggy door.”

“YIP YIP!”

“Big door…?”

Flowey thought back a long time ago to when he and Chara used to explore the Underground. He remembered a bright field of flowers, but that was in the opposite direction in the throne room near their home…and it didn’t have a door.

A big door…a big door…

“Ugh, I can’t remember what you’re talking about!”

“Nyeh?”

“Uh, I mean, I HEARD about the door, from one of your dad’s phone calls, but I don’t remember what he said.”

“…”

“YIP YIP YIP!”

“SHUT UP FUR BAG! YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY ICE CREAM!”

Was there ever a door Chara couldn’t get through? One with a doggy door?

“i wanna see the sun…” said Sans quietly.

“You wanna see da’ sun? Why big Buther? It hurt your eyes and make you hot.”

“the sun is the biggest star in the world though pap…”

“THE SUN’S A SPARKLY?!”

“yep, and it’s bigger than ANYTHING.”

“Bigger than Fluffy Buns?!”

“yep!”

“Bigger than yo’ head?!”

“…yeah.”

“If you’ve seen the sun Trashbag, then WHY are you asking how big it is?”

“…I only see it a widdle bit from a hole in da’ ceiling…and only sometimes. Is when da’ doody dog go home. There be a hole behind his com-poo-ter dat leads to the Ruins and udder paces too.”

“the dog...has a computer. right.”

“Where is this door?”

“just ignore him flowey, he’s obviously lying,” said Sans extremely disappointed.

“No he’s not.”

“how do you know?”

“Just trust me he’s not!”

We’ve had problems with this dog since we moved into the Underground.

The Annoying Dog was one of the smaller complaints the kingdom’s people had, but he was long lasting and weird. The little creature reminded Flowey of Papyrus in a way, causing problems wherever he went and getting away with it because he ‘didn’t know any better.’ He’d often heard of seemingly random items going missing from various places never to be found again. Some monsters claimed in horror, that they’d seen the dog absorbing some of the items into his body before scampering away, sometimes through the walls as if he were a ghost. The king warned everyone not to pet the Annoying Dog and to keep their distance whenever they could, but it seemed impossible to keep the hound out of any building. Many would cry out in terror upon turning around and suddenly seeing the legendary monster wagging his tail in their kitchen or living room, although the doors and windows were locked and they had been alone only moments before.

Chara had a strange fascination with the furry menace that Flowey always had a hard time understanding. Whenever the dog was spotted, they’d drop whatever they were doing and run after him, only to lose him in a wall somewhere. They’d then pound on the stone and search it for some sort of crease while Flowey let out a breath of relief from behind. The dog reminded him of Papyrus, true, but the absorbtion ability also brought back memories of a monster from an old VHS tape they had found at the Dump simply called the Thing.

He wanted nothing to do with this creature, no matter HOW much loot he had stored away.

I don’t have a choice anymore though. I need to go through this mutt’s tunnel if I want to find a place to gather energy.

“YIP YIP!”

“Da’ doggy door be in Snowdin. It gots the kingdom shapes on it and is reeeal tall! As big as a tree!”

“…Are you talking about that door in that cave with all the glowing mushrooms?”

“Yeah.”

“You idiot! That’s not a doggy door!”

“Is too! Is the door the doody dog uses! I sees it!”

“Stupid baby.”

“hey, c’mon now. the longer we fight the more pap’s ice cream melts. we need the dog to open the door, right? I mean, no one else has said anything about finding his house so…”

“Yep! Da’ doody dog gots to go inside first or it don’t open.”

“alright then, let’s go.”

“Right!” Flowey jumped up and wrapped himself around Sans. “ONWARDS DUMBO! TO SNOWDIN TUT TUT!”

“GET OFF ME!”

“NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!”

Leading the dog with the ice cream, the three reached the cave and went inside.

“SEE? No doggy door.”

“Nyeh? You blind Dirt-Butt? Is right there!”

“That’s NOT a doggy door. Doggy doors have flaps!”

“bro, watch where you’re swinging that thi-aww! You got it all over my hoodie!”

“Nyeh heh heh, cweeeeen it up.”

“you clean it up!”

The Annoying Dog watched as a glob of strawberry ice cream slid down the side of Sans’ sleeve, almost hitting the ground.

“You want dis cweam doggy?”

He said nothing and continued to eye the glob expectantly.

“Open the door and I give you all da’ yumminess you can dweam of.”

Again, the baby was ignored as the dog licked it’s chops and shuffled his paws impatiently, waiting for the glob to fall.

“He’s not listening to you. Smear some ice cream on the door or something.”

“Kay’.”

Waddling over to the door Papyrus stopped and dropped down on all fours, holding his ice cream in the air with his Wingdings.

“What the hell are you do-”

“YIP YIP! I’s a baby doggy and I wish to pee on da’ carpet, but I can’t get inside. Oh woe is me! *WHINE*”

“Arf…?” The dog lifted an ear and tilted his head in confusion.

“Of all the stupid…”

“heh heh heh heh! go pappy! show em’ what you want!”

SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH!

Using both hands, Papyrus scratched at the door as best he could, whining pitifully and using his font to communicate. This time, the dog DID listen, turning away from the glob on Sans’ hoodie and morphing through the wall in his patent disturbing way.

“Ugh, I hate seeing that.”

“did…that dog just go through the wall…?”

Weird…

“hm…well whatever, good job bro!”

Smiling, Papyrus rolled over onto his back and pushed at the door with both feet, opining it. Inside the dog stood on a patchwork blanket panting and grinning as always.

“That tunnel better be here you milk-puking-”

“Is under the com-poo-ter I said! Why you no listen Dirt-Butt? Dat’s how you learn things ya’ know?”

“*WHINE WHINE!*”

“Oh yeah! Here you go doody dog!” said Papyrus handing over his Ice cream. “Be sure to eat the cone too, cause’ littering is bad, right Snas?”

“right.”

The happy hound ate the entire thing almost immediately, licking his nose and sniffing around for any bits he may have missed.

“Nyeh heh heh! He eat like you big Buther!”

“Yeah he does, the PIG!”

“…”

“Speaking of pigs, you might not fit in here Smiley,” said Flowey inspecting the tunnel with a frown. “Maybe you should go home and eat some popato chisps, I don’t need an entourage anyway.”    

“whatever! both of you can get bent, I can fit in there no problem!” exclaimed Sans, though he did have his doubts.

We definitely need to widen this tunnel or something if we ever plan to come back here. Papyrus is good at digging and building stuff, maybe he can do something about it later.

“NO you can’t, you’ll get stuck you moron.”

“no i won’t...”

“Fine, learn the hard way. What do I care? Just let me go first.”

“No! BABY goes first. I knows da’ way, you’ll just get lost like the Ugly Duckling. Member’ dat book Snas?”

“Did you just call me ugly?”

“yeah I remember the book, but more importantly, you’re telling the truth right? If there’s a maze of tunnels in here and we get lost, we’ll die pap. no one knows we’re down here…”

“YOU’RE ugly.”

“I knows the way, but you gots to follow mah butt kay’? Follow the baby butt and don’t go nowhere else. Even if you see a Veggie monster, you gots to follow the butt Snas, or you get lost. Lossa tunnels down here.”

“You’re ugly and you’re stupid.”

“iiii won’t wander off baby bro.”

Why do you two think I’d risk my life for some food? Do I really eat that much?

…

Nah, it’s probably my hoodie. My hoodie’s padded and it’s making me look fat. I should probably take it off before I crawl through here…

“Also don’t touch da’ butt, or I calls the guard.”

“No one wants to touch your butt you pervert! Well…maybe Smiley does, his drawings are weird-”

“THEY’RE SPACESHIPS!”

“But I’M the one who’s going to be behind you, not him.”

“But then who gonna push Snas if he get stuck?”

“No one. If this fatass gets trapped it’s HIS problem not mine. I already told him he wouldn’t fit; now let’s go.”

Nodding, the baby bones crawled under the desk and into the tunnel, Flowey following close behind. There were a lot of things the plant hadn’t checked out in the dog’s room; things Chara would’ve KILLED to inspect and/or steal, but Flowey had little interest in anything but finding some sun.

He could always come back anyway.

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

“Would you hurry up? The wet dog and baby smell is making me want to throw up.”

“Slow your roll Dirt-Butt. I’s Papyrus the Baby, not Sonic the Hedgehog. You wait.”

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

The three took a left and continued on at an annoying slow pace, being careful not to scrape themselves on the hard rocky walls. Especially Sans, who had had seconds thoughts about all this half-way through the journey. Every so often Papyrus would stop and look over his little shoulder to see if his brother was still behind him; he would then be rewarded with a thumbs up, though the baby could see he was struggling with the encroaching claustrophobia that seemed to be threatening even Flowey’s sanity at this point.

“OH MY GOD, WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP? HE’S FINE!!”

“Shut da’ fuk up Dirt-Butt, or I kicks you in da’ face.”

“YOU JUST TRY IT! I’LL BITE YOUR LITTLE TOES OFF!”

“play nice you two, heh heh.”

“Shut up Smiley, you’re not my mom.”

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

SCRUFF SCRUFF!

Finally, the tunnel started to become wider and then wider still, eventually opening up into what looked like a cliffside of sorts. The place was an empty dead end that overlooked the mining city people called “Home.”

“uhh…I don’t think we’re supposed to be here baby bro…”

“Dis be the Old City where we gets da’ crystals Snas-”

“Correction; this is where we USED to get the magic crystals,” said Flowey. “Then some idiot screwed everything up and released a bunch of poisonous gas in the city’s mine.”

“Lossa monsters used to live here, but then there were too many babies, so they moved, but there still be peoples...”

“Are…are you not listening to me? NO ONE’S WORKING THERE, THIS PLACE IS POISONOUS, WE NEED TO MOVE.”

Sans nodded. “he’s right pap. not all gases can be seen; this place could be toxic-”

“Nuh uh! I’s here yeserday!”

“Bullcrap.”

“I ate a worm and climbed a rock, and sniffed da’ flowers like dis *SNIIIIIIIFFF!*”

“UGH, DON’T DO THAT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!”

“*SNIFF SNIFF SNIFF!*

“SMILEY GET YOUR BROTHER!”

“who built these ruins? did someone live here before we came? i don’t see people building half a home, if you can even call this a home, and then quitting in the middle of it to build another one.”

“HELLO?!”

“the architecture is completely different from the rest of the kingdom too…”

“SMILEY!!”

“you swear you were here yesterday bro? the gases haven’t reached this far yet?”

“*SNIIIFFF!* Yep. The sun place be dis way, but you gots to watch out for the traps, so follow the baby kay’?”

“I hate you, I hate you BOTH and once I find a new place to get some sun, I’m gonna live there for-EVER! I’M NEVER COMING BACK TO THAT NURSERY, DO YOU HERE ME? NEVER!!”

Ignoring Flowey, the brothers began their trek further into the Ruins. There were a lot more traps than Sans was expecting, but it only served to increase his excitement. More traps meant a higher chance of his younger sibling telling the truth, and these WERE traps. There were pits that led to small empty rooms that had no ladders to speak of, switches designed to confuse them hidden behind pillars in the dark, and there was even a room that couldn’t be crossed from one side unless you had something of considerable weight on three buttons in the ground…unless of course you were tall. That was what disturbed Sans the most; the fact that the traps seemed to be for small creatures who couldn’t step over the barricades. The further the three went, the more his excitement turned to fear as he realized the traps were NOT built by the monsters currently living in the Underground and they were clearly meant to cause suffering and eventual starvation.

This couldn’t have been Asgore’s work. I know he said he would gather souls from anyone who fell into the mountain, but these look like they were meant SPECIFICALLY for children…and I know he’s a good person. Besides, so far I’ve only seen one door that leads to the Ruins and he can’t fit through that tunnel, no way.

Who would BUILD things like this?

“these are horrible…”

“Hm? What are you complaining about?”

“the traps…you’ve been looking at the traps right flowey? they’re different…”

“So? Who cares about these stupid traps, they’re ruined anyway. SHE messed everything up. You’re getting scared over nothing; whoever lived here before is long gone…probably.”

Sans took a deep breath. Flowey was right, the traps had obviously been altered a long time ago and no one had come to fix them. The prison pits had been stripped of their doors and their floors laced with heaps of fallen leaves to break the fall of anyone who fell into them, having obviously been put there by someone seeing as the area lacked any trees. The switches built to confuse had been painted bright colors that could easily be seen, and even the room with the floor switches had been filled with rocks, one of which claimed had been placed there by someone they couldn’t see due to their lack of eyes.

“UGH, are you KIDDING me? She put instructions on the freaking WALLS? That’s so lame!”

“who’s this ‘she’ you’re talking about?”

Before the plant could answer, Papyrus lifted them all up with his wingdings and glided everyone, including himself, over the giant pit trap before suddenly speeding off into a room.

“HEY BRO, WAIT!”

“DID HE FIND IT? IS THIS THE ROOM?”

“*CRUNCH CRUNCH!*”

“…”

“hey uh, pap? you probably shouldn’t eat that…”

“LOOK SNAS! Candy. *CRUNCH CRUNCH!*”

“…”

“…you okay flowey?”

“…Never coming back.”

“Want some of dis candy Dirt-Bu-”

“NO!!”    

They continued on, Papyrus’s onesie crinkling with the rest of the monster candy having been stuffed inside.

“FINALLY! DO YOU SEE IT SMILEY? DO YOU SEE THE PROMISE LAND?” The plant pointed excitedly towards a sunlit patch of flowers. “IT’S THERE! IT’S RIGHT THERE! WE’RE SO CLOSE!”

“yep, iii see it. don’t think we’ll be able to actually see the sun though from all the way down here…”

“*Yawn* I’s sweepy…I gets the shiny tomorrow, kay’ Snas? Is nap time for the baby…c’mon Dirt-Butt, we go home now.”

“NO! NO NO NO! DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T FREAKING TOUCH ME! I SWEAR I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, PUT THOSE AWAY! PUT ME DOWN! PUT ME DOOOOOWN!!”

“put him down bro, he can get back on his own, right flowey?”

“YES!!”

As soon as Papyrus desummoned his wingdings, Flowey took off with all the speed of a cheetah; racing for the sunlit patch that would be his new, and hopefully quiet, home, his leaves outstretched.

I’M GONNA MAKE IT!

I’M GONNA MAKE IT!

With one giant leap the tiny plant dived into the flower patch and dug his roots into the warm soil triumphantly. “LOOK SMILEY! I MADE IT!”

CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!

“Don’t patronize me you fat piece of-”

Sans stopped clapping. “what do you want from me?”

Ignoring the child, Flowey turned around and basked in the sun’s warm glow, spreading his leaves wide in order to collect as much energy as possible. This place was perfect. Bright, quiet, and tidy; it had a great view of the opening to Mt. Ebott that only someone who could stretch out as long as Flowey could see. A wonderful little lookout where he could not only spy approaching humans, but maybe even lure them in…after all, it’s not like sound couldn’t pass through the barrier. All he had to do was find someone stupid.

Just one. Good. Idiot.

Heh heh heh heh…

“uhh…dude, are you alright?”

“Dirt-Butt got dat scary face big Buther…”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA ALL THE SOULS WILL BE MINE! I’LL LURE THEM ALL IN! HA HA HA HA HA!”

“o-kay…we’re going on ahead. you catch up later alright?”

“NEVER COMING BACK! HA HA HA HA HA! UNSTOPPABLE! UNTOUCHABLE! UNDEFEATABLE! HA HA HA HA HA!”

“Nyeh…?”

“I’LL BE ALL POWERFUL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

“we’re going now-”

“I’LL BE THE ULTIMATE RULER!”

“Bye Dirt-Butt!”

I’ll be a GOD.

[projectjasper]

Oh I’m actually interested why you don’t recommend it. For me it was the first introduction to gay relationship on screen I guess. But if don’t wanna waste your time on it or you’ve explained it earlier, you don’t have to answer 🙈

coincidentally , glee was also the first time i’ve seen a gay relationship anywhere and realized it was a real thing i could actually watch and experience . same goes for the first trans person i’ve seen or heard of ever .  which is why i rewatched the show multiple times throughout my life and you can still find me singing along to some tunes from glee even today .

though , just because it has been quite a thing for me in the past and it still stays my guilty pleasure i very much am trying to get rid of , doesn’t mean it’s not problematic . because it is . why , you might ask ? well , let me answer that question .

first , we’ll start with the cast - a cast that’s just deeply problematic all over the place . i don’t think i need to mention the terrible crimes committed by mark sallling ( puck ) or the abuse allegations against naya rivera ( santana ) . “ but phillip “ , you might argue , “ all that happened long after the show finished and the creators had no way of knowing they employed at least one disgustingly horrible person ! “ 

fine then , maybe you’re right - though i still think that in light of those facts only no one today , when we do know who those people really are , should even touch glee . don’t you feel repulsed just by looking at your screen and realizing you see a pedophile in front of you ? i sure do !

but ok , all that aside - let’s talk about three main points of initial problematic casting i see in the show . first one is unquestionably and undoubtedly kevin mchale ( artie ) . do you know how many times they had to shoot certain scenes again or edit them in a different way than it was originally planned just because our buddy kevin over there tapped his foot to the beat of the music ? lots . do you know how they could’ve avoided such an annoying problem ? by casting an actual disabled person for the job ! and i don’t think i need to say anything else here .

next two ones are dot-marie jones ( sheldon ) and alex newell ( unique ) , both of which played trans characters on the show . you might be wondering , why does a female actress play a male character , and why does a male actor play a female character ? yeah , so am i . listen , i might get why they got dot-marie for the job . sheldon did appear in the series as female at first and was identifying as such for seasons , though they still could’ve cast a trans man by simply altering a couple of details . alex , on the other hand , is a much more questionable choice , because the topic of gender identity has been following unique from her very first appearance and there’s absolutely zero reason not to cast a trans girl for that role . 

but that ain’t even all of it . there , we just scratched the surface . now , let’s get to the show itself . 

first things first , the show has always presented itself as “ woke “ , as something that gave so many people good representation . and that just isn’t true . it did give people some sort of representation , but that representation was flawed and inaccurate at best , misleading and fundamentally wrong at worst . 

you might say : some representation is better than no representation . and even if i might agree with that ( which i arguably don’t ) , i am 110% convinced that this rule works only if there is no better representation in the world . some representation is only better than no representation when you either get said “ some representation “ or “ no representation at all “ . when you have good representation in a bunch of other shows , and this new show comes up and it’s a choice of basically “ shitty additional representation “ or “ no additional representation “ , we’d all choose to go rewatch any of the already existing shows with proper rep and tell that new show with shitty rep to fuck off . and , maybe i can agree with the fact that back in the day when glee was just starting it was a choice of “ some representation “ or “ no representation at all “ , and it was in fact better to have it than nothing back then . right now though , it’s surely irrelevant and much worse than so many actually good shows we have .

i don’t know when was the last time you rewatched the show , but when i did so not that long ago ( and when i suddenly realized it’s much worse than i originally remembered ) the first thing i noticed was how deeply biphobic it was . there was a lot of explicitly biphobic things said throughout the whole show and none of them were marked as problematic or fixed - they were all presented as either funny harmless jokes or unquestionable facts , when they were obviously neither of those things . and bi people weren’t the only ones who had to suffer through such jokes all the time - so did people of color , trans folks and disabled people - and that’s only out of those i can remember right now .

finally , the center piece is of course how stereotypical everything is . you can literally divide every character and every plotline into a simple stereotype and you’ll be fine - everyone will understand exactly who those characters are and exactly what those plotlines are supposed to represent , without even watching the show . and when everything is so stereotypical , what kind of “ good rep “ are we talking about here exactly ? 

the first thing proper representation does is it either fights the stereotypes or presents them in such a way that shows how complex the people who might partly fit into said stereotypes are and how they can’t simply be identified by this one or these couple of stereotypes , how that is by no means their full personality . glee doesn’t do either of those things , it gives exactly one stereotype to each character and that’s said character’s whole personality . but ok , maybe you need examples ? sure ! finn - the kind jock . kurt - the gay kid . artie - the disabled kid . tina - the goth kid . mike - the smart asian kid . santana - the angry latina / the bitchy lesbian . brittany - the stupid one . shall i continue , or is this enough ? 

but , i think i’ll stop on that one . to finish this off , i just wanna say that glee is a very outdated show . it might’ve been the first one to do a lot of things on tv , but - as i’ve mentioned before - they’ve done it very poorly . and back in the day maybe that was a good way to get the whole thing going : to get more rep , to get more diverse characters in shows , etc. but today watching glee can be either frustrating for those who understand what’s going on , or misleading for those who get their fundamental knowledge about marginalized communities from the show . and neither of those options is good or fun for anyone . 

so , at the end of the day , do i maybe think that glee was a necessary step to better shows with actual proper good representation ? yeah . but , does that mean anyone should watch it in this day and age ? no . in fact , i heavily advise to put it on a shelf and never ever touch it again . glee is like a potty . back when you were a toddler , it was an accomplishment for you to stop pooping your pants and start using the potty . now though , if you suddenly say no to the toilet for no reason and start using the potty again , it’s going to be far from an accomplishment - it’d mean you are deteriorating . 

[neuromantis]

MGS ask game: 3 and 32

Thanks for asking! I’m gonna RAMBLE.

3. Is there anything you would change about the plot?

Ya for sure. Like I wouldn’t make a fourth game at all? Tbh, 4 makes a lot of the plot... seem stupid. The Patriots reveal might be the most prominent example. Like do you really believe that *these* people are the shadowy government behind everything evil that has happened? Ha. Not these goofers.

Four just takes it all too far, going to insane measures to wrap up every plot-significant (or insignificant really) detail in a neat bundle of completeness of the series, but have we ever needed that?

I especially take gripes with the whole Meryl/Johnny plotline because Meryl didn’t really need that type of character development. She’s better than this. And she didn’t really even need to be in a game at all, not to mention Johnny who’s just a payoff of a decade of poop jokes.

Also the treatment of B&B. In a way, they’re copies of their namesakes as boss-battles, but. Foxhound bosses were cool because we didn’t get any real explanation for their actions/powers/issues. B&B is just misery porn, “oh they’re so damaged and sick that’s why they’re crazy and evil“. You had an opportunity to portray victims of war in a sympathetic light, as they should be, but you just made them overtly crazy and incredibly sexualised to boot.

Also Naomi and Vamp. What the fuck even was that, I still don’t know, I still can’t put it into words. Just terrible.

I have many issues with 4. The entirety of the game is an issue to me, to be quite honest. The only plot points I like from 4 are Snotacons dynamic with Sunny (and Sunny in general) and Raiden’s development into a complete edgelord over all the trauma the series settles him with.

On a non-four-bashing note I would like to say that I would absolutely delete Huey Emmerich from ever existing anywhere. Who needed him? Awful.

32. Character most deserving of a spin-off? 

Well my favourite character is Psycho Mantis so of course that, I would love to have a game about Eli and Tretij’s pasts together. Like the Kingdom of the Flies mission that we never got, but a whole game about awful traumatised kids. But I understand that focusing on, well, villains is not the best direction you could take.

Otherwise I’d absolutely have another Rising game gladly, thank you very much. It’s stupid fun and I adore Raiden (and I loved Desperados a whole lot too)

[artificialqueens]

Tectonics Ch. 3 (Katlaska)- Hexen

AN: Not sure if I’m doing romantic pairings yet. I’ve got a setup that works for Katlaska (duh lol), Trixya and/or Shalaska, or none at all, so let me know what you prefer! Also I have my own Tumblr now wooo.

Summary: After All Stars 2, things between Alaska and Katya are—in a word—awkward. Their budding friendship fizzled out in the heat of the show, and even though they’re back to normal life now, neither really knows how to change things back … until one of them gets sick.

The hospital ride was a stressful, hellish blur. Everything was too loud and too cramped and too…scary, if Katya were being honest. It felt like she was watching the scene from above rather than actually acting it out, and she curled into her own mind as things got more intense in order to cope. She wished Trixie were there to give her a hug (she gave the best ones). Or Alaska, though that wasn’t really possible at the moment. It wasn’t until they finally arrived at the emergency room that she finally snapped out of her daze, just in time to watch Alaska’s eyes flutter slightly.

As she was lowered on a gurney and pushed through the hospital doors, Alaska didn’t open her eyes fully, but she did manage to get out three words.

“D-don’t,” she started, with Katya following her and listening intently as if her life depended on it, “Tell. Michelle.”

As Alaska disappeared into the depths of the hospital and Katya was relegated to the front entryway, she stood in a completely stunned silence. She felt a bit slighted for some reason. It just didn’t feel real, none of it felt real. Remarkably, she felt like crying and hysterically laughing at the same exact time, but her emotions felt so out of control and scrambled that she didn’t know which to start with.

Taking a trembling breath, she slowly lowered herself into a waiting room chair, her head foggy and breath shallow. What the actual fuck just happened?

A buzz from her phone pulled her out of her stupor momentarily.

“Everything OK?” It was from Michelle. Fuck, Katya realized, they had been gone for a long time.

She could—and if she were honest, she should—tell Michelle what was happening. It was the logical and responsible thing to do. She should tell Michelle to high tail it to the hospital, to call Alaska’s family, and to take Alaska off the tour roster for now because she clearly wasn’t well. But Katya hesitated. Because she never claimed to favor to the logical and responsible.

“All good,” she texted back hastily before it really sunk in what she was saying—well, really what she was not saying. “Taking longer than we thought to find stuff. Finish rehearsal without us.”

Oh fuck. Why’d she have to go and listen to Alaska. She clearly wasn’t the best judge of action at the moment, but even so, Katya felt that external guidance, even from the worst source, was better than none at all. Still though, she felt queasy, and had to swallow a few times to shake the sinking feeling that she was going to vomit all over the waiting room chairs.

Katya was an amazing friend, a hilarious confidant, and damn good at cheering people up, but she sometimes didn’t know how to handle the more serious stuff. The kind of stuff that seemed to embed and burrow into her brain to haunt her. The kind of stuff that kept her up at 4 in the morning, worrying about whether if that joke she made on UNHhhh would cause Trixie to get sick of her, or whether she was good enough or deserving enough of the fans who made her art that night, or whether that party comment she made to Alaska that she replayed over and over and over and over in her head made her a bad person and if she and the snake queen were OK or not.

She guessed she had somewhat of an answer to the last one, since it seemed that Alaska wasn’t OK period. Still though, she wanted something tactile to cling to, and as if the stars aligned and someone heard her pleas, that’s exactly what she got in the form of two completely different text messages

“Where are you??” one read. From “Tracy Martel.” With a picture of a Malibu Barbie doll as the contact’s photo. Trixie.

“Tell Alaska to stop goddamn ignoring my shit. No 1 word answers either,” read the other. From “Ooky Spooky.” With a picture of a Count Chocula cereal box as the contact’s photo. Sharon Needles.

Katya let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding at the sight of the texts. For some reason, telling Trixie and even Sharon, whom she wasn’t very close to, about Alaska seemed to be less intrusive than her telling Michelle. Plus Alaska hadn’t told her to not tell anyone period, just not the mama bear. Katya could live with that. She supposed she shouldn’t tell them during rehearsal though, when so many others were around to get suspicious. Drag queens were nothing if not gossipy.

“Meet me at my apt after rehearsals,” Katya texted Trixie. “Bring Needles. Will explain there.”

Cryptic? Yes. But also pretty damn serious for a Katya text. 99 percent of her texts to Trixie were stream of consciousness rants or poop emojis or random ass gifs of celery or frogs or Costa Rica, so she knew that the even tone of the message would show the Barbie queen that something was up without her having to say more than that. God she was thankful for their friendship.

She was less sure of what to say to Sharon, so she figured just biting the bullet would be the best course of action.

“Can you meet Alaska, Trixie, and I after the show? My place. Important,” she rattled off, before shutting off her phone. She knew she’d be getting follow up texts, for sure from Sharon and maybe from Trixie, but she didn’t feel equipped to deal with that right now. Katya figured that felt her texts were serious enough to get them to her place without too many questions. She hoped she was right.

She had only been sitting for a half hour when a nurse called her over, Katya practically tripping over her own shoes as she surged forward.

“She’s awake now,” the nurse said. “You can go in.”

When Katya walked through the door of Alaska’s hospital room, and when she finally spied the queen she had spent so much time worrying about in the waiting room, she was overwhelmed with emotion.

Alaska looked beat, and not in a good way. There were bags under her eyes and she was still a touch too pale, and the way her shoulders hunched forward made Katya want to pull her into a hug. So she did.

Not a word was said as Katya walked straight up to Alaska and pulled her into her chest. She held her there firmly, the only movement being her hand, which lightly rubbed the back of Alaska’s neck.

Alaska took a few short shaky breaths as tears started to drip down her face.

“I’m sorry Katya, ugh. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m so sorry,” she said. “This is so embarrassing.”

Alaska leaned back to pull away from the hug, but Katya’s arms stayed firm and pulled her in in even closer.

“Don’t,” Katya said. “Don’t say that.”

“I didn’t think this would happen, I never would’ve b-brought you if I thought—“

Katya put her hands on Alaska’s shoulders and gently pushed her back a tiny bit so they could see eye to eye.

“Alaska don’t. That was so fucking scary, I can’t even—“ Katya started. “I can’t even explain how fucking happy I am that you’re awake.”

“I’m really sorry,” Alaska said as Katya drew her closer again. The hug was extremely comforting for them both. Alaska had woken up confused and shaky and afraid, but something about having Katya there with her arms around her made her feel stable and OK again. For Katya, having Alaska physically in front of her with her eyes open again helped calm some of the word hurricanes blowing through her brain.

The two queens took deep breaths, basking in the moment, before Alaska finally pulled back more to look directly at Katya.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. “For helping me. I’m really sorry.”

Katya smiled sadly. “I know,” she said. She had so many questions on her mind, and even in this delicate situation, she wasn’t one to try and beat around the bush. Katya respected Alaska a lot, but she felt she deserved to know what the hell was going on, even if the question was ill-timed.

“Alaska,” she began. “What…the fuck happened to you?”

The snake queen swallowed and looked down at her fingers, picking at them a little bit.

“I, um, I fainted,” said Alaska. “The doctor said it was a lot of things. Lack of sleep, not enough water, too much stress, not enough food. It was my own fault really. I can usually feel it coming on more, but this time I didn’t really realize how bad it was until I was in the aisle, and by the time I did, nobody was around before I, well, hit the floor.”

The thought of Alaska panicking in the aisle by herself before fainting made Katya’s frown deepen, but something else Alaska said caught her attention.

“You said you can usually feel it. How much does this happen?”

Alaska looked down, fully ashamed.

“Not often,” she said, training her eyes anywhere but towards Katya. “It’s my own fault, I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

Katya sighed.

“You don’t have to stay, I’m OK now,” Alaska added. Katya’s eyes snapped up in surprise. “You’ve already done more than enough. You should get back to the other queens, I promise I’m fine.”

“You are not fine,” Katya said. “And you are not going home by yourself.”

“Katya, I haven’t been home in literal weeks, this was just a spell, I am completely fi—“

“No, you’re not,” Katya interrupted simply. “You said you were sorry, you can show me you mean that by listening to me. You’re coming home with me tonight.”

Alaska put her head in her hands, tears beginning to well up as she felt helpless yet again that day. “Katya, you’ve done enough, I don’t want to be more of a burden, I want to handle this myself.”

She couldn’t see Katya with her head in her hands, but she felt the older queen’s hand on her knee, and when she spoke, it was noticeably softer.

“I know. And you will. But tonight, I need you to come back with me. Please Alaska.”

Alaska knew she had put Katya through enough that day, and whether she liked it or not, she owed her. She met the other queen’s eyes before giving a small nod, wiping away the tears that threatened to spill.

“OK,” she said. “OK.”

As Katya felt her phone buzzing in her pocket, no doubt with questions from Sharon and/or Trixie, she said a silent prayer that she was really doing the right thing after all.  

[lesmotsincompris]

Thoughts on GoT S07E06

Since everybody was discussing the leaks, I decided to watch the leaked episode and almost forgot to post my thoughts here as usual.

Anyway: that was terrible, y’all. That was a whole new level of terrible.

The show was awful long before this, of course, but I think this episode perfectly encapsulates how poorly written it can be. Every scene has a lot to tear apart, but let’s try to keep it short:

Winterfell

Oh boy, did that hurt. What D&D have done to Arya isn’t simply character assassination; they murdered her character, shat on the corpse, set the poop on fire, and put the fire out with vomit.

Arya’s lines during this episode seem to come from an anti-Sansa thread on Reddit. It’s so viciously misogynystic and victim-blaming that I’m losing all respect for fans that buy this kind of bullshit reasoning (and I’ve seen them with my own eyes).

Again knitting is brought in a negative context. Again Sansa is called stupid. Again Sansa is portrayed as an ambitious bitch because she didn’t act as the ideal victim is supposed to act. Again Sansa’s forced marriages are used against her. Again we have another reminder that Sansa was raped, because gods forbid we forget it. This isn’t dealing with trauma, this is rubbing in the audience’s faces one of the most hated scenes of this show.

It’s ridiculously out of continuity too. Everything Arya herself did to survive is ignored (hanging out with Tywin on season 2, anyone?). Also she couldn’t possibly think her sister helped the Lannisters get rid of Ned, she was fucking there. If she saw Sansa’s pretty hair and dress, she must have seen her crying and screaming in despair. Watch your own damn show, D&D!

Once more I must ask: what is Littlefinger still doing in this story? He’s trying to put Arya against Sansa, but why? What does he gain with that? Why is Sansa still listening to him? You can’t give me Sansa being snarky at him in one episode and fully trusting him in another, it just doesn’t make sense.

Sansa was rude to Brienne for no reason, and sent her away purely because D&D needed Sansa alone and unprotected in Winterfell again. It’s so forced it hurts.

Apparently Jon didn’t give any news in weeks. Great job, Jon. But hey, couldn’t they use their fucking omniscient robot brother to see what stupidity Jon was up to this time?

I was giggling during the entire briefcase scene, not even The Room can aspire to be this bad.

Dragonstone

“Heroes do stupid things and they die” is the supreme maxim of Grimdark™. It’s also clearly not what GRRM is going for in the books.

We had a scene with the sole purpose of delivering exposition that Jon is in love with Dany. Is he? Why would he be? What evidence have we seen of this? Oh no, but it’s a lot easier to have a character established as "clever" saying "he loves you" than actually showing the process of two people falling in love.

For all their speech abut sparing the innocent, Tyrion says they’ll burn King’s Landing if anyone touches Dany. See, the smallfolk are only important if they bend the knee, otherwise they can die. So much for wheel-breaking.

(we still don’t know what that means, btw)

Again Tyrion tells Dany what to do and how to act; I’m gonna stab with a knitting needle anyone that calls this show feminist. I don’t think Tyrion is wrong in everything he says, but having him mansplaining Dany constantly is annoying. If he “believes” her, why doesn’t he let her to think on her own? If he doesn’t trust her to do it, then why does he follow her?

I can’t blame Dany for being hostile to the whole succession talk. Yes, it’s an important matter, and one book!Dany still has to address, but it came very suddenly and when they had other more important matters to deal with.

Tyrion doesn’t want Dany to go and she goes, and again the narrative will prove Dany wrong for not listening to a man. Fuck this show.

Beyond the Wall

Aaah, le crap de le crap. Don’t get me wrong, Winterfell stuff made me roll my eyes so hard I could watch my own brain cells dying. But Winterfell was filler, while this is supposed to be the big moment, the “go go go, shock shock shock” we’ve been told about, the core of the wham episode of this season.

And it sucks.

Tormund says that smart people don’t go looking for the dead, and I have to agree with him. The whole plan of capturing a wight and touring it around Westeros was incredibly stupid to begin with, so it’s hard to feel bad for the characters when things go inevitably wrong.

Less than five minutes into this episode they were already joking about Gendry being assaulted by Melisandre. Fuck this show.

Gendry being sold to Melisandre, much like Tyrion killing Davos’ son with wildfire, becomes a “look, those characters know each other” gag. This is a very poor choice and ignores the fact that those characters met under traumatic circumstances that deserve a stronger reaction than that.

Of course you don’t hear Beric “bitching” about being killed six times, that would mean death and trauma carry any weight and in this show they don’t. Not anymore.

I’ve been complaining for a while that the show seems to have forgotten why Jorah was exiled, so they answered me with him admitting Ned was right. That’s great, it would have been a significant character development… if we had actually seen it. Character development is a character going from point A to point B, not suddenly being on point B with no indication of how they got there.

Then Jon says he’s glad Ned didn’t catch Jorah. Why? Does Jon knows that Jorah was exiled for selling people? Is Jon okay with that? Since when? He barely knows Jorah and no relationship was portrayed on screen before this moment, why this sudden concern with him?

Sandor says he hates gingers, which is another nail in the SanSan coffin for the show. We already that’s D&D’s NOTP, but the petty ways they find to demonstrate it always amuse me.

I joked about this being the Ultimate Bro Trip - All the Extras Edition, but boy I was right. There’s everything one could expect from this sort of event: sexual assault played for laughs, dick jokes, the most disgusting reference to Tormund x Brienne, heavy-handed hints of R+L=J, lots of walking for nothing, lots of shitting all over GRRM’s careful worldbuilding, lots of dudes bonding over stuff that makes me hate them as characters, poorly executed action with no real stakes. A true winner!

There are small things that worked for me. I kinda like Beric’s speech to Jon, or Sandor turning around when they burn Thoros’ wound. It’s a simple but effective way to remind the viewer of Sandor’s trauma. It doesn’t cost much in terms of dialogue or screentime, and keeps the character consistent and fleshed-out. But those were isolated moments, and isolated moments are not enough to save us from this torture of a scene.

I like the surprise element of the bear attack, but it was too shaky and confusing for my taste. Gendry says the bear has blue eyes, but I could hardly see the bear itself? And how can I care about characters dying if I can’t even see who’s dying? After some point it was The Revenant - Westeros edition, and still not the silliest scene in the episode.

The white walkers now die like vampires from Buffy and one stab is enough to finish them. Worse, they’re following the route of 'kill the boss, every minion dies’. I hate this trope, I’m sure there’s a name for it. It’s particularly bad in this case because now the white walkers’ impressive numbers don’t mean anything; just kill the extra blue dude with a vaguely Japanese armor and presto! Also, you know, it contradicts what we’ve seen so far including in this very episode.

Despite them walking for ages, Gendry goes back to Eastwatch pretty fast. The white walkers are kind enough to wait for no fucking reason while Gendry sends a raven, the raven reaches Dragonstone, Dany gets ready, and Dany flies to the Wall and beyond. This should have taken weeks, but apparently it happens over a day or so.

Look, when people talk about ‘teleportation’ in this show, we don’t mean that the writers must depict every beat of the trip. We mean that the trip needs to make sense considering everything we know about the setting and the resources available in that world. It doesn’t have to be super accurate either, just not physically impossible like this was.

The white walkers not attacking the group makes the previous Plot Armor evolve to a Plot AT Field from Evangelion. If there was going to be battle anyway, why the waiting? You’re already bending space and time for Daenerys to arrive, so I’m sure there would be better ways to have the ice dragon scene without all this contrivance.

The dragon saving scene would have been awesome if not for all the implausibility that led to it. It’s hard to be invested when you’re already angry and disappointed. The contrivances don’t stop there, and Jon takes two levels in stupidity and keeps fighting all macho when everybody else is safe on dragon back. Also Daenerys loves him for some reason.

That spear throwing was the funniest thing. Congrats to whoever did the dragon animations and noises, though, that was a great job. Emilia Clarke’s nearly-crying face would have been a great start for one of Daenerys’ more emotional moments in the show, watching the death of one of her children. Too bad this is basically all the reaction she’s allowed to have.

Jon got Viserion killed out of sheer stupidity and stubbornness, but somehow Dany loves him even more for that! She wants to wait for him, even if that endangers her other dragons. Back at the Wall, she waits for his return, not perhaps a sign of Viserion. When he apologizes for being the worst, she’s not remotely angry at him. It was “good” that her dragon died, because now she understands. Now she knows that in this show men are always right and women pay a dear price for not listening to them.

Can’t see the narrative goal of leaving Jon behind or him falling in the water. Nobody actually expected him to die, even if he should have. Then you have Uncle Benjen Ex Machina holding thousands of White Walkers on his own, as if that somehow prevents a few of them from going after Jon. This whole scene accomplished nothing but stretching our suspension of disbelief further, as if there was any left at this point.

The walkers somehow put chains on the dragon to pull it. Why not just make the dragon fall on land? Viserion returning could have been cool if: a) it wasn’t a product of a conga line of plot contrivances; b) they didn’t take four years to show us his eyes opening, as if this wasn’t ridiculously obvious.

Daenerys can’t mourn her fucking dragon, she’s too busy finding the Ultimate Man to Listen To. What prompts Jon to decide that Dany is now his queen? Why does he call her Dany? How does Dany know the Night’s King name?

More importantly, why do I still care to ask about all this questions when the answer is “D&D are fucking dumb and they’re hoping we are too”?

Extra notes

Should we start printing Euron’s picture in milk boxes? And what happened to Theon?

Fuck this show, fuckindammit, that was a lot of time and energy wasted just to get angry.

[multifandomhoodies]

in the two minutes my brain was working i made this meme because i think it’s funny and while no one has told me to stop talking abt work i feel like this is lowkey accurate. 

this will probably be super annoying and basically a ramble but hey ! I dont care. rondo alla turca just came on and that’s incredibly accurate of my mind rn just that super fast part. anyways. im so sorry. 

hit that read more for the entire 2000+ word dissertation i wrote about work today.

so today was wild because fourth of july babey uh it didn’t start getting different until like,,,, 8 ish? mostly till then it was just regulars who are always in the park. i forgot my earmuffs so i couldn’t backpack blow when i wanted :c. nothing weird was in the bathrooms today! there was a lemonheads box in the women’s, but like,, that’s not very weird. i had several guests tell me that i was gonna have a rough day tomorrow w/ clean up and im like lol yeah Except i dont work tomorrow sorry tue-sat crew. love you. except fuck u danager. i had to get the cans along the beach and the guy that usually runs the beach comber wasn’t there so a different guy from the other park was doing it and he doesn’t run the beach comber v often and you could Tell. also this dude barely said anything to anyone except the one dude and honestly powermove. also he has Very long dreads. also this lady ? was laying like two feet away from where i had to backpack blow and she had the audacity to like, look at me? sorry lady its 8am the sun isnt even out stop sunbathing. anyways. i had to water the flowers i planted yesterday and after that it was breaktime (gang GANG) breaktime is like,, three hours after we start work but cleaning the bathrooms and backpack blowing and getting cans took forEVER. break was funny because it was just three of us in the breakroom and we were talking about the new manager who is. just a fucking asshole. he can choke. bitch. anyways. even tony doesnt like him and tony’s like so nice. i made a joke b4 we rolled out that liam could help me clean our part of the park and danager was like hey he can do that if you want to mulch and I thought it was mulching with HIm and I was like oh nO you thought hunty! i had to deal with your stupid ass yesterday! turns out it was just liam and tony and like honestly i would have done that that would have been super fun. and liam told me that he’d told tony about what happened yesterday with mulching. danager really called liam and i off of weedeating to mulch. at like, 1:30. we go on break at 2. he didnt care and was like oh you guys can just stay after and we’re like?? no?? unless we’re getting paid overtime and you dont have the power to make us do that? and liam today was like yeah if he does that shit again im leaving and tony and i agreed. im like ill walk home man. im leaving. tony said that even steve was getting pissed at him yesterday and steve’s a really chill dude. so collectively everyone’s like FUCk danager. and he came in from outside too and was like aight guys this is what we’re doing. hannah you should be able to weedwhip farther out away from your body. you hold the weedwhip too close and if you dont do that you can get a farther range. i kid you not the four of us that werent danager just started laughing. weedeaters (or weedw(h)ackers, or as ONLY danager says, weedwhips) arent very heavy. however. they do get heavy after a while, and they shake sometimes. a lot of times. We don’t get new equipment so it shakes. I’m hardly weak, but I’m also not strong enough to hold the weedeater like he said. so as soon as he said that i should be doing that everyone laughed. like i did too im like man you’re tripping. anyways. he left again, and so did two of the other guys again so it was just tony liam and i. kenny came back in and the three of us had been talking and when kenny opeend the door we all shifted so we could see who walked in, hoping it wasnt danager. kenny bust out laughing. “yall shoulda see your faces.” tony does a dramatic renactment of us all leaning forward to see who it is. oh it was great. tony liam and i were like in hysterics abt something (i think it was something rude abt danager i cant remember now). then we all headed out to do our danager assigned tasks. I went back to weedeating this one area. reminder that it IS the fourth of july, it’s like 9:30am and im weedeating this one part of the park. priorities? what are those. anyways so i do that. I see liam and tony leave to keep mulching. i keep weedeating. I did that and backpack blew the debris and then went over to the other part of the park to check cans. i checked cans again, had a super awkward situation with like 15 people near this sign. i tried to park my cart to check hte cans and EVERYONE STARED AT ME. like i know im wearing clothes specifcally chosen to be visible to cars and the public but the fuck you gotta stare at me for! anyways i got the cart and got the fuck outta there quick. I drove around more, some guy stopped me and said he thought there should be more speed limit signs. you’re right sir. drivers will see them and not care. i was checking trash in the one part of the park and i see tony and liam driving so i wave. by now it;s almost our lunch, its like 11:15. im going to check some cans that you like actually have to walk to, but i see tony driving towards me so i wait. they pull up, ask for the time. tony suggests we take a brisk walk to check the cans. we take a walk, but it’s not very fast. it’s very slow. we stopped to talk about dumb shit. liam’s apparently found a mink? on the pier? im so jealous? anyways yeah we wasted fifteen minutes looking at cans. we turn around and Danager’s walking towards us. tony grabs some trash off the ground immediately. danager doesnt even question it. he just tells us he wants someone to weedwhip or mow this one area, or at least be aware of it. tony and liam leave with dan, i head back to the shop. i hosed out the back of my cart cuz i got something FOUL in it. it may have been human poop. not sure. it was at least poop. lunch was more joking about danager. then danager came in and they started talking about muscle cramps. tony asked regular dan if he got cramps ever. dan shook his head. we dont think dan’s human. doesnt eat. doesnt SIT. only takes breaks because he’s legally required. jury is out. danager fucks off again. liam ate some of the ice cream. we chill until danager comes back in. then we leave. danager really told us to keep our weedwhips with us (also everytime liam or i say weedwhip mockingly we whip so i mean. yeah) and if we saw anything that needed weedeated to do it. ITS THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PARK. tony apparently reached for his weedeater and some lady started cussing him out. something about how there’s people around and whatever (all true) and he’s like yeah sorry i was told to but yaknow what I just wont! because it’s a holiday no one wants to weedeat. so danager told us to go clean up driftwood from the beach and tony’s like oh some of it may be big yaknow ill go with you guys. completely an excuse not to do work. it was fine. we went down to the beach. got all ten pieces of wood that were there. and we did not take them back to the shop to be dealt with. no. we may or may not have taken the trashcan full of wood to the treeline and yeeted the driftwood into the treeline/woods. then we walked back up to our carts. and didnt get in them. the three of us stood around the carts for like twenty minutes just talking instead of working. who cares honestly. i dont. as long as it’s not a habit,,, we cool. somehow we started talking abt pot and liam’s like Oh yeah i’m pretty sure everyone here gets FUCKED up on that. and tony (who’s been here for a summer) was like. oh yeah for SURE. he’s like yaknow weed’s okay. not that interesting ppl overhype it. liams like yea never done it been overed it never done it and im like never been offered, never done it. a ranger rolled by and tony’s like yo what if the ranger rolled his window down and just a cloud of pot smoke rolled out and his eyes were just red. what would we do. and we all just like essentially shrug emojid and kept talking. tony came up with the great idea to move out of the full sun into some shade. we sat in the carts in the shade and talked more abt dumb shit. we decide to eventually move and check some other areas for trash. just to look busy and also get out of an area that had a lot of people and access for a cart. so we went over to another section of the park and got trash. I had two bags, and Tony’s just like yeah as long as they see trashbags in your cart no one’s gonna care what you’re doing. We went over near that part’s bathrooms and dan and even dan was like,,, i see yall are fuckin off and i dont hate that. we actually talked with dan for a bit too. then we walked over to this area where ppl throw beercans and ““““checked”““ for trash there. skipped rocks. made stupid comments about shit. we were over there for like twenty minutes. aaaaaaaaand Danager shows up. he tells tony to go water some plants in the front. it’s 1:30 at this point, tony’s gotta go load the water, haul it out to the front, water. liam and i followed him back to the carts. he got in his cart, looked around to make sure dan was gone and did the finger gun to head thing and drove off. liam and i immediately were like okay we gotta figure something out we’re staying the fuck out of danager’s way. so we go to another pier and start walking it, looking for trash. we did actually pick up trash. there was a lot. after like fifteen minutes we headed back to the shop to take our break at 2 and danager’s on his way out and he’s like oh! hey you guys can weedwhip around the building! or clean up around the dumpsters. do something. “No use standing around for twenty minutes”. okaaaaaaaaaaaaay man. so liam and i are like oh yeah of course we’ll find something to do. FUCK I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BLOW THE GRASS IN THE DRIVEWAY FUCK FUCKIJ’DJ’FKJALKJFLAKJF goddamnit. deadass sorry for abrupt switch but im sitting in my house at 10:25pm realizing i didnt get the grass in the driveway. ugh whatever. ending my regrets and back to earlier. so as soon as danager drives his way and we get far enough away both of us are like YO FUCK THAT and im immediately like. 

i get as far as saying the first I from this and liam and I say the rest in unison. we share a braincell, i think. good job us. we’re both OVER IT. we throw our trashbags in the dumpster and grab pickers. we’re not sweating it but we grab some trash. i feel bad for tony cuz he’s out watering when it’s breaktime. liam says he probably wont be back till 2:25 when we have to clock out by 2:30. he wound up being right. a lot of shaking heads and muttering inbetween the four seasonals (minus dan) as soon as he was back. i clocked out and i told tony that he probably wont survive tomorrow with danager and that it was nice knowing him. tomorrow two of the techs will be back because they had today off. but it’s gonna be tony, the two techs, and danager. and possibly someone from the other park. not sure tho. like the BIGGEST oof because it’s gonna be a full day of trash cleanup and they’ve got danager there. and danager works the same shift as tony so anyday tony’s in, so it danager. the sat-thur crew got lucky. he told liam and i that on saturdays, the techs are out b/c weekends. it was just tony and someone from the other park and they’d. get the trash. trashbags and ground trash. and then fuck off in the breakroom. you can’t weedeat or cut on weekends. there’s not much to do if there’s not trash. they deadass would nap. and now they’re SCREWED because danager’s there. i’m so sad the one guy from the other park wasn’t there today. I can not WAIT to find out what he thinks of danager. fascinating. i almost worked tomorrow too, of my own request because I missed so much. but im sO Glad i didnt i do not want to spend anytime around danager that i dont have to. he fucking sucks. anyways. working my first ever fourth of july was,,, eventful. it mostly consisted of trying to avoid danager and kicking it with liam and tony. and that’s stellar. I really like both of them. i love my fucking coworkers. except danager. fuck you. also! no one offered us food :( apparently there is usually good food ppl offer to you and :( :( i didnt get food. oh today at work was wild. im so sorry for this post. it’s a hefty one. is this the longest post i’ve ever made on tumblr? yes. if you made it this far good job. I saw two REALly great dogs. the one looked like a bear. the other was a gsd. good job. god i love this job. 

[drunkendragons]

I watched the Emoji Movie and heres my liveblog of it. I just- put all of this into a word document so I can just copy and paste. Also Im watching it on kimcartoon. Lets get this over with. Warning for swearing so if you aint into that dont click the read more. Also this probably wont make a whole lot of sense. Also spoilers. Merry Christmas.

The Sony logo followed by Columbia- they animated a fucking phone coming up and putting an emoji over the face of the Columbia chick. Here we fuckin go gents. Here. We. Fucking. Go.

I don’t know what im hearing but I don’t like it.

NARRATION!

Wow atoms and code to sound fake deep awesome

‘like every freshman in highschool, everything revolves around his phone’ followed by two people walking into each other. Hey so fuck you

‘and attentions spams get shorter and shorter and youre probably not even listening to me right now’ DOUBLE FUCK YOU

Emojis aren’t the most important way of communication in history, word ar- im like three minutes in and im already ready to frog.

TEXTOPOLIS ARE YOU FUCKING.

The shrimp is fucking Australian what a surprise I HATE KNOCKING OVER THE ELDERLY elephants remember joke ah hahh h a hh ah

Theres the poop joke. Great.

This fucking Meh is insecure

Are you fucking- HIS PARENTS. SAID. ‘I DON’T THINK YOUR READY.’ THIS MOTHERFUCKER COMES IN, MAKES A SHITTY MEH FACE IN THE MIRROR AND THEN THE MUM IS LIKE ‘o ye this kid is ready’ like??? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Boob joke with peperoni

Smiler was the Original Emoji are you for Serious

THERES NOTHING LIKE GETTING SCANNED FOR THE FIRST TIME

Why do they need to reproduce like- is there an emoji graveyard or something? Do emoji’s die? Also I betcha this smiler chick is like- obsessed with her popularity and doesn’t want to be replaced or something

Another poop joke.

Gotta be meh gotta be meh.

Words aren’t cool? Fuck you.

Wow he manages to fuck up everything on the first day what a surprise

Smiler is so passive aggressive holy shit

Angsty rooftop sitting

His parents fucking suggest that he becomes a hermit

Another poop joke- nope Im counting that as two

#TRUTH kill me

I dont think they know who their target audience is supposed to be cause i sure as hell fuckin dont

Shes flossing aggressively

He fucking? She was like ‘o you messed up once time to die’ lol

Why does high five wanna get into this fucking party so bad

He just called coffee edgy are you shitting me

HE CAN POINT BUT HE CANT FORM A FIST

‘theyll never find us down here’ bitch you just threw the fucking painting or whatever you were using to hide it

Also why is the Loser Lounge only accessible through blowing a hole in the wall of the Favourite Emoji place

Sweep so you won’t cry? What the fuck?

The eye animation on these foreground emojis make me Hate

#BLESSED

The meh I was meh-nt to be. no

IM SORRY ARE THEY WEARING THE FUCKING SKINS OF OTHER EMOJIS OR AM I MISSING SOMETHING

Im guessing the stormy one is the cloud.

What could a teenage boy possibly want to hide from his parents?

Why does this kid need to hide fucking illegally downloaded music? And viruses? And internet trolls? In a fucking fake-dictionary??

Couldn’t he just make a face when the bots are looking for him and they’ll think hes someone else.

Is this part just an ad for candy crush

If you’re over it TURN YOUR FUCKING SOUND OFF YOU MORON

She spat on Glasses Guy twice and then punched him. Chill.

Obvs. Kill me. Kill me in the face.

Why did she- sort of get all feministy and then have it ignored completely.

Is this an ad for youtube now.

Did his parents just get a fucking divorce.

Great highfive just ate his own vomit so that’s great.

I like the just dance lady. I think.

Theres literally no way he should have been able to get over to her. She should be dead.

Blushy hair push.

Slay.

Please don’t tell me they’re gonna try and make that a Thing

Oh my shes a princess what a shocker

Where the fuck did these bullshit murder robots even come from. And why the fuck do they need to dance and WHY THE FUCK CANT THIS STUPID KID TURN OFF HIS FUCKING SOUND.

Also that’s not how you delete an app.

Welp the only character I liked died and it wasn’t highfive.

Why does this fucker scream unnecessarily

I AM :D SO :DD ANGRY :DDDD

Poop joke number whatever

IM LIVING THE UPGRA A A A AAAAAAAAAAAADE!!! (im sorry bmc)

Sassy gypsy. Fuck you.

Oh cool an unnecessary cut to highfive

TURN YOUR FUCKING SOUND OFF YOU MORON ITS SO EASY

Oh look another brushed off feminist thing

Are they gonna fucking kiss I swear

ANOTHER CUT TO HIGHFIVE FOR N O REASON

Oh look the parents are back. Or the mum is at least.

Wow the dad has other emotions wow

God I fucking hate this movie. So much.

How the fuck did Jailbreak know that she had upgraded her bot

Let me guess it fucking grabs jailbreak and then they have to save her

Oh well that didn’t happen but they’re in the dropbox now and highfive vomited up a candycorn again

I’ll feed you answers that I DON’T KNOW

Highfive stop being such a bitch about handing over the answer

I wanna know where she got the fuckin wristband from

Ooo shade. Kill me.

Did she hack herself. She did didn’t she.

ARE YOU SERIOUS HE GOT HEARTBROKEN AND THAT’S WHAT MADE HIM MEH? FUCK YOU

Also the robot coming into the dropbox is bullshit and contradictory to what Jailbreak said and Im mad about it

Jailbreak please don’t give up your dreams to follow that fucking moron

She fucking called down the twitter bird.

You could say the malfunction is in his Genes.

Poop joke again

Callback to what he said before

WHAT FUCKING KID DELETES EVERYTHING OFF THEIR PHONE BECAUSE THEY DON’T KNOW TO TURN OFF THE SOUND.

Yo everyone just died but lets have an emotional speech

And a flashback montage

Okay but she should be fucking dead

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO CAN ACTUALLY EXPRESS HIS FEELINGS FUCK YOU

That isn’t how phones work

I hope he payed the lady for wastING HER FUCKING TIME

Wow everyone loves him now yaaaay

Oh b oy  a fucking dance ending

Let me guess, emoji po- yep there it is

Of course theres the selfie

Okay but literally gene is the only emoji he needs. Hes the Alpha Emoji.

I hate this.

Its over.

I fucking hate this.