#of course I went on YouTube a few days later and made the discovery that I was actually dreaming about | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

onisiondrama · 4 years ago

Text

Onision on Kermit and Friends - March 21, 2021

(This video only has 59 views on Youtube. This is probably the smallest audience I've seen for an Onision interview.)

Summary Part 1

The host seems to be a fan of Onision and the co-host says she saw the documentary so she is well aware of Onision, but the show is a safe space and they don't judge.

Host says her and Andy talked about The Banana Song all night.

Host really like that Onision said not to focus at negativity. Says he only focuses on positivity and he's an amazing guy.

The co-host jokes that they will "do the Onision thing" and shave Andy's head, make him film videos, then maybe he'll change his sex.

Andy can't figure out how to join the show.

James joins. It appears he is in his new house.

The host says he said "goodbye" 2 months ago. James says during one of his more dramatic moods. The host asks what inspired him to say goodbye to all of his fans? He says when you work at something for 12 years and it gets torn away from you, you want to take a break. Host asks why it was taken. James says he likes the question. He says the reason why people are losing content these days is cancel culture. Says people have share holders in the stock market and a risk of being canceled themselves and people attack everything they're associated with. He says recently David Dobrik was canceled and he was losing sponsorships because the company doesn't want to go down with them. The companies don't want to lose business when they see someone they sponsor is being boycotted. He says it's business smart, but morally disagreeable.

James says the Discovery+ documentary called for him to be removed from the internet.

Andy appears. Andy says it's a horrible situation for James to be in and tells him he will do fine. James says he fears for the host and Andy because they aren't taking the position of "Anti-Onision" and anyone who goes against them becomes the target of that community. Andy says he doesn't care and he's sticking up for Onision. James laughs and says Andy has his own extensive celebrity experience so he understands how things work in "the biz. "

The host says everyone is at risk of getting canceled and saying anything can get you canceled these days. She says she was pissed off when she watched the documentary because everyone had groupies who want to sleep with them. They come after him and want him, he ignored them, they kept coming, and now he's at fault? Says now he is canceled and Andy is already canceled. She asks who is not in danger of being canceled at this point?

James says people told him not to go on the stream because of Andy Dick. James laughs and says he was told he couldn't work with Andy. He says people hold serial killers and people who make people upset at the same level. He says they have no gauge for morality, it's all the same to them. Says when you cancel someone for being a law abiding citizen who does things by the book and ignore someone who isn't famous and does horrible things, it shows your priorities. He says it's not about right and wrong, it's about who will bring more attention to me and make me look better.

The host asks James to show her one guy who would decline an offer from a hot fan to meet up. Andy points to himself as she's saying this. James says he thinks there is a significant misunderstanding to what she thinks he went through. He says there were no groupies or hot fans.

He says 10 years ago he dates a Canadian pop star, but he uses the term pop star loosely because she never got that huge. Says she had one music video that got over 1 million views. He says she dove into his life, contacted him early December 2010. He points out they showed this in the documentary. He says he responded to her something inspirational because she was talking about how she was on the edge of suicide and he wanted to help her. He wanted to be the person he represented in his videos, someone who does suicide awareness, etc. He says full disclosure, he straight up left his spouse for this person. The host asks if this was Skye, his high school sweetheart. James says not exactly. He says he broke up with Skye when they were 18 and 19 or 19 and 19 because he told her he couldn't make her happy. He joined the air force and she would write him letters.

Drunken Peasants comment "Cry is Kai-ing now." is features. James says "nice" and laughs.

He says he saw there were a lot of military benefits to getting married. Skye was his best friend and he thought it would be great to get benefits and bring her wherever he went. Says he married his best friend, then he fell madly in love with Shiloh. Six months prior he threated divorce because she said because they were married, half of his stuff was hers. He says that wasn't the agreement because he asked for a prenup. He told her if she was in this marriage for half of his things, let's get divorced now. He says she said never mind and if they get divorced she wouldn't try to take his stuff.

James says when Shiloh came along he realized what a real relationship was supposed to be like. He says he could talk for 10 hours about this because it's such a thorough and rich story. Andy says you could talk for years about what it's like going after a girl. James laughs and says, "a little sexist there?"

Andy and the host talks about their relationship. The host says other men she's dated didn't like commitment and never proposed to her. The host says James likes commitment. James says he proposed to 4 people in his life. Andy asks if anyone said yes? James says all 4 said yes. Andy asks then why isn't he married to them? James says he's been married 9 years. Andy asks to all 4 of them?

James says he only knew Adrienne from Texas 2 weeks and he proposed to her.

The host says she's been talking to Andy about James all week, but Andy forgets. Andy says he knows, but he won't bring it up. James says he's willing to talk about almost anything. Andy says he loves this kid and the host says she knew he would. She says he has so many amazing videos and she wants Andy to collab with him. James says before he went on, he was joking if Andy was like "you're a POS" and screamed at him, he'd still be a fan. He says Andy is top 5 comedians. James says Andy's still a comedian because he's made millions laugh. Says Andy took social norm and threw it into a woodchipper and does whatever he wants. He says he never saw a comedian with no limits, other than Sacha Baron Cohen. He says some comedians pretend they have no limits, but censor themselves later on. Says Andy seems to be on the same path, which is amazing. Andy thanks him.

Andy starts to get upset with them comments on the live. James asks if there's comments and takes a look. He says "this is great" and announced he will give them a crash course on the internet. He says there is an algorithm that promotes whatever you want to believe, like if you're a conspiracy theorist that believe in aliens. You keep seeing videos about it and it's an endless cycle of telling you you're right. James says Andy would probably laugh at this concept, but they took countless clips from comedy sketches and framed them as if they were from real life. He says there's one clip where he says mean things to someone, but they don't address he's dressed as the Joker and they're dressed as Harley Quinn.

He says he did countless pranks where people thought they were real. He says he did meltdown video series, which was one of his favorite video series ever. He says he rubbed poop on himself, lived in a box, etc. He says people ate it up and believed it was real even though he left hints in the videos that it was fake because they wanted to believe their pre-existing narrative that he was a nut case. He says it was entertaining until someone showed up to his house, then he stopped doing it. They drank the kool aid to the extent that they brought it to real life. (He's talking about Chris Hansen.) The host asks if it's scary to have people show up. He says it is when you have small children. He says when people show up to your house you think these people need mental help because they don't understand this is fiction. The host asks if this is the main reason he said goodbye? He says it was more an assortment of emotions. The host says he's an emotional guy. James says it depends, he could be. He says he's chill until you put someone he loves in danger. He says on camera he is "whatever I wish to be" because being a character is fun.

The host says she saw him go crazy in a few videos and wondered if he was bi-polar or had depression. He laughs and she says that's something she suffers from, so that's why she asking. He asks, you're bi-polar? She says yes. James says he is not. She asks if he has depression or anxiety. He says he has major depressive disorder and he was diagnosed last year so existential crisis happen often with him. Andy says "boo-mother-fucking-hoo." James laughs and says that's the father figure he needed growing up.

The hosts says she knows his parents divorced when he was 2. She asks if that affected him. He says "probably." She asks if it affected his relationships because he seems to have volatile relationships. She says she's in one currently. Andy asks what does she mean? She says sometimes Andy calls her a cunt. James laughs and says "yeah." James asks if it's a comedian thing to call people cunts? She says it didn't sound very comical. James says he wouldn't take it personally because what matters is if they stand by you, don't hurt you physically, that they give you love, and they don't say anything out of pure hate.

Andy shows a pill to the camera and takes it. The host asks what it was and Andy says muscle relaxer. James looks a little shocked, but mostly amused.

They have fans on to ask James questions. The first one asks if he really chained a girl in his basement. James says that's another thing the conspiracy mill musters up and no one was chained in his basement. The fans says he doesn't get why they would demonetize him because his channels were dead and he wasn't making any money. James says he was actually making money, he was solidly making a living and it was taken away.

The fans asks about the 14 year old James and Kai groomed, he says he's not saying it's true but he was wondering. James says it's not true and that person ( Sarah ) swore on their grandmother's life it wasn't true. He says if you to to Onision.com/IRL it has videos footage and texts of them saying they were not. The fans asks if James thinks he could sue YouTube for suspending him for offline behavior. James says it's hard to find a lawyer that would not mind being bombarded by negative reviews. He says cancel culture affects people with actual jobs too.

The host talks about how she and Andy are trying to find Andy a new place to live. She jokingly says with Onision. James says he's not in an entertainment-friendly place to live. The host asks what he means. He says LA is more relevant. The host asks why he doesn't live somewhere like LA. James says he's more of a rain and clouds person. The host says she always thought he would make a great actor. He says going to LA feels like his eye are being melted.

Another fan comes on. She says she grew up watching Onision and used to be a Patreon of his on and off for a couple of years, but she's more indifferent now. She says she already knows both sides of everything, but she thinks it''s a lot of it is bull crap. She says as someone with a similar mental disorder as said person- she understand why they would flip like that, but it's extremely shitty. James says he wasn't the person who went through all of the horrible things. Yes, he was demonetized and lost a means to make a living off other platforms, but the person they betrayed was the person he's married to. Kai didn't insult or engage, or do anything bad to anyone ever. The fact that their life got ripped apart makes him feel bad that he ever spoke to them. They have a family so it's hard to regret that. He says that's the only person anyone should feel bad for. He kicked someone out of his life, then he made passive aggressive videos about dating people and it leading to the same result. That person took it personally and lashed out. He triggered them and they attacked. Kai did nothing wrong.

They get into a bit(?) about Andy cheating on the host and her exposing him with a video. James just kind of sits there and watches.

The host asks if James is in a committed relationship with his wife. James says Kai is transgender and identifies as a guy. He says he heard the person earlier that implied he changes people's scientific genders. He says he was confused by that. The host just says "yeah" and there's a bit of a pause. James says they are in a committed relationship. She says he used to bring in other people. He says he is committed, but sometimes they were not exclusive. She asks if he has threesomes and orgies. He says not orgies.

They bring in another guest. She says she is new to him, but is familiar with cancel culture. She says it has to have been hard for him and his family. She asks what advice she has for people dealing with this. He says to not engage with anyone. He says people would do things that were illegal and a danger to his family so he kicked them out of his life. He completely isolate himself from them and they would try to hurt him. He says when you are in the public eye and you have a falling out with someone they can destroy you by spreading rumors. He says the Youtuber Anthony Padilla was terrified of getting into a relationship because he didn't want it to go south and his life to be destroyed. He says if you get in a relationship with someone, don't get out of it.

24 notes · View notes

alanlicht · 5 years ago

Text

Alan Licht’s Minimal Top Ten List #4

A few weeks ago, near the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, my friend Mats Gustafsson sent out a mass email encouraging people to send him record lists to post on the “Discaholics” section of his website--top tens, favorite covers, anything. I immediately thought of the first 3 Minimal Top Ten lists I did (now found online here) back in 1995, 1997, and 2007 respectively, for the fanzine Halana (the first two) and Volcanic Tongue’s website (the third), and sent them to him. Those articles have sort of taken on a life of their own, and I still see them referenced as the albums get reissued and so on. Occasionally people ask me if I’d ever do another one, and looking at all three again made me think now is the hour. I started writing this in the midst of the lockdown, and the drastic reductions in people’s way of life—the restriction of any activity outside the home to the bare essentials, the relative stasis of life in quarantine, even the visual stasis of a Zoom meeting—make revisiting Minimal music, with its aesthetic of working within limitations and hallmarks of repetition and drones, somehow timely as well.

The original lists were never meant to represent “the best” Minimal albums: they were ones that were rare and in some cases surpass, in my opinion, more widely available releases by the same artist and/or better known examples of the genre. Some were records that hadn’t been classified as Minimalist but warranted consideration through that lens. Likewise, the lists aren’t meant to be ranked within themselves, or in comparison to each other; the first record on any of the lists isn’t necessarily vastly preferable to the last, and this fourth list is not the bottom of the barrel, by any stretch. In some cases the present list has records I’ve discovered since 2007; others are records I’ve known for quite a while but haven’t included before for one reason or another. I’ve also made an addendum to selected entries on the first three lists, which have become fairly dated in terms of what is currently available by many of the artists, and to account for some of the significant archival releases in the 25 years since I first compiled them.

Unlike the mid-90s, most if not all of these records can be heard and/or purchased online, whether they’re up on YouTube or available for sale on Discogs. So finding them will be easier than before (although I haven’t included links to any of the titles as a small tribute to the legwork involved in tracking records down in olden tymes), but hopefully the spirit of sharing knowledge and passions that drove my previous efforts, forged in the pre-internet fanzine world, hasn’t been rendered totally redundant by the 24/7 onslaught of virtual note-comparing in social media.

1. Simeon ten Holt Canto Ostinato (various recordings): This was the most significant discovery for me in the last decade, a piece with over one hundred modules to be played on any instrument but mostly realized over the years with two to four pianos. I first encountered a YouTube live video of four pianists tackling it over the course of 90 minutes or so, then bought a double CD on Brilliant Classics from 2005, also for four pianos, that runs about 2 and half hours. The original 3LP recording on Donemus, from 1984, lasts close to 3 hours. It’s addictively listenable, very hypnotic in that pulsed, Steve Reich “Piano Phase”/”Six Pianos” kind of way, with lots of recurring themes (which differentiates it from Terry Riley’s “In C,” its most obvious structural antecedent). Composed over the span of the 70s, as with Roberto Cacciapaglia’s Sei Note in Logica, it’s an example of someone contemporaneously taking the ball from Reich or Riley and running with it. Every recording I’ve heard has been enjoyable, I’ve yet to pick a favorite.

2. David Borden Music for Amplified Keyboard Instruments (Red Music, 1981) 3. Mother Mallard’s Portable Masterpiece Co. Like a Duck to Water (Earthquack, 1976): These were some of my most cherished Minimal recordings when I was a teenager in the mid-80s, and are still not particularly well-known; they’re probably the biggest omission in the previous lists (at least from my perspective). Borden formed Mother Mallard, supposedly the first all-synthesizer ensemble, as a trio in the late 60s, although there’s electric piano on the records too. He went on to do music under his own name that hinged on the multi-keyboard Minimalism-meets-Renaissance classical concept he first explored with Mother Mallard, as exemplified by his 12-part series “The Continuing Story of Counterpoint” (a title inspired by both Philip Glass’ “Music in Twelve Parts” and the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill”). I first heard Parts 6 & 9 of “Continuing Story” (from Music for Amplified Keyboard Instruments) on Tim Page’s 1980s afternoon radio show on WNYC, and bought the Mother Mallard LPs (Like A Duck is the second, the first is self-titled) from New Music Distribution Service soon after. I mail-ordered the Borden album from Wayside Music, which had cut-out copies, maybe a year later (c. 1986). I wasn’t much of a synth guy, but I loved the propulsive, rapid-fire counterpoint and fast-changing, lyrical melodies found on these records. “C-A-G-E Part 2,” which occupies side 2 of the Mother Mallard album and utilizes only those pitches, has to be a pinnacle of the Minimal genre. Interestingly, Borden claims to not really be able to “hear” harmony and composes each part of these (generally) three-part inventions individually, all the way through. The two-piano “Continuing Story of Counterpoint Part Two” on the 1985 album Anatidae is also beloved by me, and there was an archival Mother Mallard CD called Music by David Borden (Arbiter, 2003) that’s worth hearing.

4. Charles Curtis/Charles Curtis Trio: Ultra White Violet Light/Sleep (Beau Rivage, 1997): Full disclosure: Charles is a long-time friend, but this record seems forgotten and deserves another look, especially in light of the long-overdue 3CD survey of his performances of other composers’ material that Saltern released last year. This was a double album of four side-long tracks, conceived with the intent that two sides could be played simultaneously, in several different configurations; two of them are Charles solo on cello and sine tones, the others are with a trio and have spoken vocals and rock instrumentation, with cello and the sine tones also thrown into the mix. (I’ve never heard any of the sides combined, although now it would probably be easily achieved with digital mixing software.) The instrumental stuff is the closest you can come to hearing Charles’ beautiful arrangement of Terry Jennings’ legendary “Piece for Cello and Saxophone,” at least until his own recording of it sees the light of day; the same deeply felt cello playing against a sine tone drone. And it would be interesting to see what Slint fans thought of the trio material. Originally packaged in a nifty all-white uni-pak sleeve with a photo print pasted into the gatefold, it was reissued with a different cover on the now-defunct Squealer label on LP and CD but has disappeared since then. Stellar.

5. Arthur Russell Instrumentals 1974 Vol. 2 (Another Side/Crepuscule, 1984) 6. Peter Zummo Zummo with an X (Loris, 1985): Arthur Russell has posthumously developed a somewhat surprising indie rock audience, mostly for his unique songs and singing as well as his outré disco tracks. But he was also a modern classical composer, with serious Minimal cred—he’s on Jon Gibson’s Songs & Melodies 1973-1977 (see addendum), and played with Henry Flynt and Christer Hennix at one point; his indelible album of vocal and cello sparseness, World of Echo, was partially recorded at Phill Niblock’s loft and of course his Tower of Meaning LP was released on Glass’s Chatham Square label. He’s the one guy in the 70s and 80s (or after, for that matter) who connected the dots between Ali Akbar Khan, the Modern Lovers, Minimalism, and disco as different forms of trance music (taken together, both sides of his disco 12” “In the Light of the Miracle,” which total nearly a half-hour, could arguably be considered one of his Minimalist compositions). Recorded in 1977 & 1978, Instrumentals is an important signpost of the incipient Pop Minimalism impulse, and the first track is a pre-punk precursor to Rhys Chatham and Glenn Branca’s appropriations of the rock band format to pursue Minimal pathways (Chatham is one of the performers in that first piece). The rest, culled from a concert at the Kitchen, features long held tones from horns and strings and is quite graceful, if slightly undercut by Arthur’s own slightly jarring, apparently random edits. [Audika’s 2006 reissue, as part of the double CD First Thought Best Thought, includes a 1975 concert that was slated to be Instrumentals Vol. 1, which shows an even more specific pop/rock/Minimal intersection]. Zummo was a long-term collaborator of Russell’s and his album, which Arthur plays on, is a must for Russell aficionados. The first side is made up of short, plain pieces that repeat various simple intervals and are fairly hard-core Minimalism, but “Song IV,” which occupies all of side two, is like an extended, jammy take on Russell’s disco 12” “Treehouse” and has Bill Ruyle on bongos, who also played on Instrumentals as well as with Steve Reich and Jon Gibson. A recently unearthed concert at Roulette from 1985 is a further, and especially intriguing, example of Russell’s blending of Minimalism and song form. (That same year Arthur played on Elodie Lauten’s The Death of Don Juan--another record I first encountered via Tim Page’s radio show--which I included on Top Ten #3; Lauten as well as Zummo played on the Russell Roulette concert, as their website alleges).

7. Horacio Vaggione La Maquina de Cantar (Cramps, 1978): Another one-off from the late 70s, and yet more evidence of how Minimalism had really caught on as a trend among European composers of the time. Vaggione had a previous duo album with Eduardo Polonio under the name It called Viaje that was noisier electronics, and he went on to do computer music that was likewise more traditionally abstract. But on this sole effort for the Italian label Cramps, as part of their legendary Nova Musicha series, he went for full-on tonality. The title track is like the synth part of “Who Are You” extended for more than fifteen minutes and made a bit squishier; but side 2, “Ending”--already mentioned in the entry on David Rosenboom’s Brainwave Music in Top Ten #3--is my favorite. Kind of a bridge between Minimalism and prog, and a little reminiscent of David Borden’s multiple-synth counterpoint pieces, for the first ten minutes he lingers on one vaguely foreboding arpeggiated chord, then introduces a fanfare melody that repeats and builds in harmonies and countermelodies for the remainder of the piece. Great stuff, as Johnny Carson used to say.

8. Costin Miereanu Derives (Poly-Art, 1984): Miereanu is French composer coming out of musique concrete. Unlike some of the albums on these lists, both sides/pieces on Derives are superb, comprised of long drones with flurries of skittering electronic activity popping up here and there. Also notable is the presence of engineers Philip Besomes and Jean-Louis Rizet, responsible for Pôle, the great mid-70s prog double album that formed the basis of Graham Lambkin’s meta-meisterwork Amateur Doubles. I discovered this record via the old Continuo blog; Miereanu has lots of albums out, most of which I haven’t heard, but his 1975 debut Luna Cinese, another Cramps Nova Musicha item, is also estimable, although less Minimal.

9. Mikel Rouse Broken Consort Jade Tiger (Les Disques du Crepuscule, 1984): Rouse was a major New Music name in the 80s, as was Microscopic Septet saxist Philip Johnston, who plays here. Dominated by Reichian repeated fills that accentuate the odd time signatures as opposed to an underlying pulse, this will sound very familiar to anyone acquainted with Nik Bärtsch’s Ronin albums on ECM, which use the same general idea but brand it “zen funk” and cater more to the progressive jazz crowd rather than New Music fans, if we can be that anachronistic in our terminology. Jade Tiger also contrasts nicely with Wim Mertens’ more neo-Romantic contemporaneous excursions on Crepuscule. Rouse later performed the admirable (and daunting) task of cataloging Arthur Russell’s extensive tape archive for the preparation of Another Thought (Point Music, 1994)

10. Michael Nyman Decay Music (Obscure, 1976): Known for his soundtracks to Peter Greenaway films, and his still-peerless 1974 book Experimental Music: Cage and Beyond (where I, Jim O’Rourke, and doubtless many other intrepid teenage library goers learned of the Minimalists, Fluxus, AMM, and lots of other eternal avant heroes), Nyman is sometimes credited with coining the term “Minimal music” as well, in an early 70s article in The Spectator. Decay Music was produced by Brian Eno for his short-lived but wonderful Obscure label. The first side, “1-100,” was also composed for a Greenaway film, and has one hundred chords played one after another on piano, each advancing to the next once the sound has decayed from the previous chord (hence the album title). For all its delicacy and silences, you’re actually hearing three renditions superimposed on one another, which occasionally makes for some charming chordal collisions (reminiscent of the cheerfully clumsy, subversive “variations” of Pachelbel’s “Canon in D major” on Eno’s own Discreet Music, the most celebrated Obscure release). This is process music at its most fragile and incandescent. In hindsight it may have also been an unconscious influence on the structure of my piece “A New York Minute,” which lines up a month’s worth of weather reports from news radio, edited so that one day’s forecast follows its prediction from the previous day. I’ve never found the album’s other piece, “Bell Set No. 1,” to be quite as compelling, and Nyman’s other soundtrack work doesn’t hold much interest for me, but I’ve often returned to this album.

11. J Dilla Donuts (Stones Throw, 2006): One more for the road. Rightfully acclaimed as a masterpiece of instrumental hip hop, I have to confess I only discovered Donuts while reading Questlove’s 2013 book Mo’ Meta Blues, where he compared it to Terry Riley. The brevity of the tracks (31of ‘em in 44 minutes) and the lack of single-mindedness make categorizing Donuts as a Minimal album a bit of a stretch, but Questlove’s namecheck makes a whole lot of sense if you play “Don’t Cry” back to back with Riley’s proto-Plunderphonic “You’re Nogood,” and “Glazed” is the only hip hop track to ever remind me of Philip Glass. Plus the infinite-loop sequencing of the opening “Outro” and concluding “Intro” make this a statement of Eternal Music that outstrips La Monte Young and leaves any locked groove release in the proverbial dust. There isn’t the space here to really explore how extended mixes, all night disco DJ sets, etc. could be encountered in alignment with Minimalism, although I would steer the curious towards Pete Rock’s Petestrumentals (BBE, 2001), Larry Levan’s Live at the Paradise Garage (Strut, 2000), and, at the risk of being immodest, my own “The Old Victrola” from Plays Well (Crank Automotive, 2001). On a (somewhat) related note I’d also point out Rupie Edwards’ Ire Feelings Chapter and Version (Trojan, 1990) which collects 16 of the producer/performer’s 70s dub reggae tracks, all built from the exact same same rhythm track--mesmerizing, even by dub’s trippy standards.

Addendum:

Tony Conrad: “Maybe someday Tony’s blistering late 80s piece ‘Early Minimalism’ will be released, or his fabulous harmonium soundtrack to Piero Heliczer’s early 60s film The New Jerusalem.” That was the last line of my entry on Tony’s Outside the Dream Syndicate in the first Top Ten list in 1995, and sure enough, Table of the Elements issued “Early Minimalism” as a monumental CD box set in 1997 and released that soundtrack as Joan of Arc in 2006 (it’s the same film; I saw it screened c. 1990 under the name The New Jerusalem but it’s more commonly known as Joan of Arc). Tony releases proliferated in the last twenty years of his life, which was heartening to see; I’d particularly single out Ten Years Alive on the Infinite Plain (Superior Viaduct, 2017), which rescues a 1972 live recording of what is essentially a prototype for Outside played by Tony, Rhys Chatham, and Laurie Spiegel (Rhys has mentioned his initial disgruntlement upon hearing Outside, as it was the same piece that he had played with Tony, i.e. “Ten Years Alive,” but he found himself and Laurie replaced by Faust!) and an obscure compilation track, “DAGADAG for La Monte” (on Avanto 2006, Avanto, 2006), where he plays the pitches d, a, and g on violin, loops them over and over , and continually re-harmonizes them electronically--really one of his best pieces.

Terry Riley: The archival Riley CDs that Cortical Foundation issued in the 90s and early 00s don’t seem to be in print, but I feel they eclipse Reed Streams (reissued by Cortical as part of that series) and are crucial for fans of his early work, especially the live Poppy Nogood’s Phantom Band All Night Flight Vol. 1, an important variant on the studio take, and You’re Nogood (see Dilla entry above). These days I would also recommend Descending Moonshine Dervishes (Kuckuck, 1982/recorded 1975) over Persian Surgery Dervishes (Shandar, 1975), which I mentioned in the original entry on Reed Streams in the first Top Ten; a lot of the harmonic material in Descending can also be heard in Terry’s dream-team 1975 meeting with Don Cherry in Köln, which has been bootlegged several times in the last few years. Finally, Steffen Schleiermacher recorded the elusive “Keyboard Study #1” (as well as “#2,” which had already seen release in a version by Germ on the BYG label and as “Untitled Organ” on Reed Streams), albeit on a programmed electronic keyboard, on the CD Keyboard Studies (MDG, 2002). As you might expect it’s a little synthetic-sounding, but it also has a weird kinetic edge (imagine the “Baba O’Riley” intro being played on a Conlon Nancarrow player piano) that’s lacking in later acoustic piano renditions recorded by Gregor Schwellenbach and Fabrizio Ottaviucci. But any of these versions is rewarding for those interested in Riley’s early output.

Henry Flynt, Charlemagne Palestine: A few of the artists on that first Top Ten list went from being sorely under-documented to having a plethora of material on the market, and Henry and Charlemagne are at the top of the heap. I stand by You Are My Everlovin, finally reissued on CD by Recorded in 2001, as Henry’s peak achievement, but I’m also partial to “Glissando,” a tense, feverish raga drone from 1979 that Recorded put out on the Glissando No. 1 CD in 2011. Charlemagne’s Four Manifestations On Six Elements double album still holds up well, as does an album of material initially recorded for it, Arpeggiated Bösendorfer and Falsetto Voice (Algha Marghen, 2017). The Strumming Music LP on Shandar is a definitive performance, and best heard as an unbroken piece on the New Tone CD reissue from 1995. Godbear (CD on Barooni, vinyl on Black Truffle), originally recorded for Glenn Branca’s Neutral label (which had also scheduled a Phill Niblock release before going belly-up), has 1987 takes of “Strumming Music” and two other massive pieces that date from the late 70s, “Timbral Assault” and “The Lower Depths”; Algha Marghen released a vintage full-length concert of the latter as a triple CD.

Steve Reich: Not a particularly rare record, but his “Variations on Winds, Strings and Keyboards,” a 1979 piece for orchestra on a 1984 LP issued by Phillips (paired with an orchestral arrangement of John Adams’ “Shaker Loops”), is often overlooked among the works from his “golden era” and I’d frankly rate it as his best orchestral piece.

Phill Niblock, Eliane Radigue: As with Henry and Charlemagne, after a slow start as “recording artists” loads of CDs by these two have appeared over the last twenty years. Phill and Eliane’s music was never best served by the vinyl format anyway—you won’t find a lackluster release by either composer, go to it.

Jon Gibson: I called “Cycles,” from Gibson’s Two Solo Pieces, “one of the ultimate organ drones on record” in the first Top Ten list, and it remains so, but Phill Niblock’s”Unmounted/Muted Noun” from 2019′s Music for Organ ought to sit right beside it. Meanwhile, Superior Viaduct’s recent Gibson double album Songs & Melodies 1973-1977 collects some great pieces from the same era as Two Solo Pieces, with players including Arthur Russell, Peter Zummo, Barbara Benary, and Julius Eastman.

John Stevens: In Top Ten #2 I mentioned John Stevens’ presence on the first side of John Lennon & Yoko Ono’s Life With the Lions; the Stevens-led Spontaneous Music Orchestra’s For You To Share (1973) documents his performance pieces “Sustained Piece” and “If You Want to See A Vision,” where musicians and vocalists sustain tones until they run out of breath and then begin again, which result in a highly meditative and organic drone/sound environment. In my early 00′s Digger Choir performances at Issue Project Room we did “Sustained Piece,” and Stevens’ work was a big influence on conceptualizing those concerts, where the only performers were the audience themselves. The CD reissue on Emanem from 1998 added “Peace Music,” an unreleased studio half-hour studio cut with a similar Gagaku--meets--free/modal jazz vibe. I also mentioned “Sustained Piece” in my liner notes to Natural Information Society’s Mandatory Reality too, if that helps as a point of reference.

Anthony Moore: Back in ’97 I wondered “How and why Polydor was convinced to release these albums [Pieces from the Cloudland Ballroom and Scenes from the Blue Bag] is beyond me (anyone know the story)?” That mystery was ultimately solved by Benjamin Piekut in his fascinating-even-if-you-never-listen-to-these-guys book Henry Cow: The World is A Problem (Duke University Press, 2019)—it turns out it was all Deutsche Gramophone’s idea!

Terry Jennings, Maryanne Amacher, Julius Eastman--“Three Great Minimalists With No Commercially Available Recordings” (sidebar from Minimal Top Ten list #2): Happily this no longer applies to these three, although Terry and Maryanne are still under-represented. One archival recording of Jennings and Charlotte Moorman playing a short version of “Piece for Cello and Saxophone” appeared on Moorman’s 2006 Cello Anthology CD box set on Alga Marghen, and he’s on “Terry’s Cha Cha” on that 2004 John Cale New York in the 60s Table of the Elements box too. John Tilbury recorded five of his piano pieces on Lost Daylight (Another Timbre, 2010) and Charles Curtis’ version of “Song” appears on the aforementioned Performances and Recordings 1998-2018 triple CD.

Whether or not Maryanne should really be considered a Minimalist (or a sound artist, for that matter) is, I guess, debatable, but I primarily see her as the unqualified genius of the generation of composers who emerged in the post-Cage era, and the classifications ultimately don’t matter—remember she was on those Swarm of Drones/ Throne of Drones/ Storm of Drones ambient techno comps in the 90s, and I’d call her music Gothic Industrial if it would get more people to check it out (and that might be fun to try, come to think of it). She made a belated debut with the release of the Sound Characters CD on Tzadik in 1998, an event I found significant enough to warrant pitching an interview with her to the WIRE, who agreed—it was my first piece for them. Her music was/is best experienced live (the Amacher concert I saw at the Performing Garage in 1993 is still, almost three decades later, the greatest concert I’ve ever witnessed) but that Tzadik CD is reasonably representative, and there was a sequel CD on Tzadik in 2008. More recently Blank Forms issued a live recording of her two-piano piece “Petra” (a concert I also attended, realizing when I got there that it was in the same Chelsea church where Connie Burg, Melissa Weaver and I recorded with Keiji Haino for the Gerry Miles with Keiji Haino CD). While it’s somewhat anomalous in Amacher’s canon, making a piece for acoustic instruments available for home consumption would doubtless have been more palatable to the composer herself, who rightly felt that CDs and LPs didn’t do justice to the extraordinary psychoacoustic phenomena intrinsic to her electronic music. “Petra” is more reminiscent of Morton Feldman than anything else, with a few passages that could be deemed “minimal.” Some joker posted a 26-minute, ancient lo-fi “bootleg” (their term) recording of her “Living Sound, Patent Pending” piece from her Music for Sound-Joined Rooms installation/performance series on SoundCloud, which is a little like looking at a Xerox of a Xerox of a photo of the Taj Mahal; but you can still visit the Taj Mahal more easily than hearing this or any of Maryanne’s work in concert or in situ, so sadly, it’s better than nothing (and longer than the 7 minute edit of the piece on the Ohm: Early Gurus of Electronic Music CD from 2000).

A few years after Top Ten #2 I was on the phone with an acquaintance at New World Records, who told me he was listening to a Julius Eastman tape that they were releasing as part of a 3CD set. Say what?!?!? Unjust Malaise appeared shortly thereafter and was a revelation. Arnold Dreyblatt had sent me a live tape some time before then of an Eastman piece labeled “Gangrila”—that turned out to be “Gay Guerrilla,” and is surely one of my five favorite pieces of music in existence (the tape Arnold sent was from the 1980 Kitchen European tour and I consider it to be a more moving performance than the Chicago concert that appears on the CD, although it’s an inferior recording). The other multiple piano pieces on Unjust Malaise more than lived up to the descriptions of Eastman performances that I’d read. The somewhat berserk piano concert I mentioned in that entry seems similar to another live tape issued as The Zurich Concert (New World, 2017), and “Femenine,” a piece performed by the S.E.M. Ensemble, came out on Frozen Reeds in 2016. Eastman’s rediscovery is among the most vital and gratifying developments of recent music history--kudos must be given to Mary Jane Leach, herself a Minimalist composer, for diligently and doggedly tracking down Eastman’s recordings and archival materials and bringing them to the light of day.

The Lost Jockey—I was unaware of any releases by this group besides their Crepuscule LP until I stumbled onto a self-titled cassette from 1983 on YouTube. Like the album, the highlight is a piece by Orlando Gaugh--an all-time great Philip Glass rip-off, “Buzz Buzz Buzz Went the Honeybee,” which has the amusing added bonus of having the singers intoning the rather bizarre title phrase as opposed to Glassian solfège. Also like the album, he rest of the cassette is so-so Pop Minimalism.

Earth: Dylan Carlson keeps on keepin’ on, and while I can’t say I’ve kept up with him every step of the way, usually when I check in I’m glad I did. However I’d like to take this opportunity to humbly disavow the snarky comments about Sunn 0))) I made in this entry in Top Ten list #3. Those were a reflection of my general aversion to hype, which was surrounding them at the time, and of seeing two shows that in retrospect were unrepresentative (I was thunderstruck by a later show I saw in Mexico City in 2009). Stephen O’Malley has proven to be as genuinely curious, dedicated and passionate about drone and other experimental music as they come, and the reissue of the mind-blowing Sacred Flute Music from New Guinea on his Ideologic Organ label is a good reminder of how rooted Minimalism is in ethnic music, and how almost interchangeable certain examples of both can be.

And while we’re in revisionist mode, let’s go full circle all the way back to the very first sentence of the introduction to the first Minimal Top Ten: “I know what you’re thinking: ECM Records, New Age, Eno ambients, NPR, Tangerine Dream. Well forget all that shit.” Hey, that stuff’s not so bad! I was probably directing that more at the experimental-phobic indie rock folks I encountered at the time, and expressing a lingering resentment towards the genre-confusion of the 80s (i.e. having dig through a bunch of Kitaro records in the New Age bins in hopes of finding Reich, Riley, or Glass; even Loren Mazzacane got tagged New Age once in a while back then, believe it or not), which probably hindered my own discovery of Minimalism. What can I say, I’m over it!

35 notes · View notes

lovelybrittxo · 5 years ago

Text

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

#lgbt #pride #pride 2020 #lgbt community #bisexual #bi curious #trans #transgender #questioning #sexuality #coming out #me #personal

12 notes · View notes

ckret2 · 5 years ago

Note

How long does it take for you to write a story (not oneshots but like multi-chaptered shit or just a very lengthy one chapter) and how much do you research and map it out? Is researching fun, tedious or exhausting for you?

It depends on how long the story is! “Man Of Dreams” on FFnet, about 108k, I wrote in uhhh, I’ve been saying “about a month” for years but I don’t remember exactly how long I spent where writing it was my primary project, but I DID write it over one summer break and spent about another month proofing it. “The Cop & the Cryptid,” about 130k, I wrote in about a month and a half and proofed over a few weeks. (That’s not counting the time those fics were with betas.) Cold Day In Hell, at 24k, took me... god, idk when I started it. Maybe a couple weeks, week and a half? I’m pretty sure I didn’t have time to start it until NaNoWriMo ended on Nov 30, and I posted it Dec 13, so.

If you want to see exactly how much I map out a long fic, you can directly compare “The Cop & the Cryptid” to its outline. In a lot of places you can go paragraph-by-paragraph in the fic and find a corresponding line/sentence in the outline. TC&TC is 130k, and its outline alone is 40k.

I was able to write the outline super fast because it’s incredibly goofy. When I write an outline, I just ramble it out at a couple friends in a chat room, and i can write like 10k a day if all I’m doing is rambling. And then, once I have that outline, I can also write the fic super fast, because I’ve already written the fic, I just need to make it sound like a fic instead of like i’m gossiping about someone’s weird workplace drama that i overhead. So even though in total I’ve written 170k between the outline and the fic, it goes a lot faster than if I’d just tried to sit down and write the 130k fic all by itself, because the first time i’m only worrying about plot but don’t have to worry about word choice and the second time i’m only worrying about word choice but don’t have to worry about plot. When I was writing TC&TC, I literally had the screen split between the outline and the actual fic, and just glanced back and forth going line by line on the outline and expanding it into proper narration & dialogue and tweaking as needed as I went.

And jeez, how much do I research. That is a difficult question because like. I’m constantly researching. If I get a tiny seed of an idea for a detail in a story, and I don’t know whatever I need to know in order to write that, my next instinct IMMEDIATELY is to look up whatever it is I need to look up in order to know enough to write that thing.

Example: when I was writing “You Made That?” and decided this giant frigging pteranodon was going to blow glass using a volcano as the oven, I had to go look up how exactly blowing glass works, because like, I know Apply Heat To Sand, but I wanted to be realistic, I wanted to know what kind of sand Rodan would have to get and what other ingredients. And because of that research I discovered that the lava in volcanoes isn’t actually hot enough to melt glass. And then I discovered that the lava in volcanoes isn’t hot enough to melt lava. The mantle where rocks melt into magma isn’t hot enough to melt rocks. And then I spent the next five hours feverishly trying to find out first how rocks melt into magma if they’re not hot enough to melt, and then how the hell humans got fires hot enough to melt glass back when all they had was wood fires to work with. And I read a lot of very academic papers about volcanoes and glassmaking with a lot of words that I had to go look up, because I have not studied either of these fields, except to the extent that I’ve learned about volcanoes in order to write about Rodan.

(The super simplified answer, for those of you who are now going to be haunted by the thought that the mantle isn’t hot enough to melt the rocks that it clearly is melting: the melting point of a rock gets lower when a) it’s mixed with water, or b) the amount of pressure on it is suddenly reduced. As rocks in the mantle are pushed upward toward the crust, water from the surface gets sucked underwater that mixes with the rocks, and the pressure on the rocks is decreased because it’s now closer to the surface/has less weight pushing down on it; and both of these things combined lower the melting point of the rocks enough that they can melt into magma. Then, once it’s on the surface, it’s no longer mixed with water and the pressure is stabilized rather than decreasing, so the melting point of the rock increases again and it solidifies. And you can melt glass with a wood fire by, first, putting it in a little oven so that none of the heat escapes, and second, blowing air over it at the EXACT right speed so that it maximizes the amount of oxygen reaching the wood fire and makes it burn hotter but doesn’t go so fast that it blows some of the heat away. Trying to maximize the heat of a wood fire in an oven like that is all about trying to hit the exact balance between “add more oxygen” and “don’t blow away heat” where you reach the point where the fire is as hot as you can mathematically make it.)

And like once I knew that, I just made sure that Rodan had a makeshift oven in order to contain heat and the ability to blow air over the fire to make it hotter and bam story’s done.

And like... nobody was making me do that. I needed a tiny factoid for the story, and I was possessed by an all-consuming hunger to obtain that factoid and nothing could drag me from my course until I’d obtained it. I didn’t need to know how the mantle melts rocks, but like... I needed to know how the mantle melts rocks.

Sometimes when I do research it’s like that, I know I need a specific factoid and I go out and find it; sometimes it’s more general, like, “oh, one of the characters I’m dealing with worked in the radio industry in the 1930s, what was that like?” and when I’ve got spare time or am bored I go read up on the history of radio, even though I don’t need it right now, but because I don’t know what I’m gonna need until I need it. What if it turns out that people who worked in the radio industry in the 1930s, like, carried around forks for good luck? Then I can say this character carries a fork everywhere and that’s a weird character detail I never would’ve gotten if I hadn’t done the research even if I didn’t know I needed it. (Note: to my knowledge, there is no association between lucky forks and the radio industry. I made up this example to illustrate the kind of thing you can’t possibly know you don’t know unless you’ve already done the research without looking for a fact like that.)

And sometimes research flows into each other. Like for one thing I needed to know what a traditional radio sign-off format sounded like, back when radio stations turned off at night and played the national anthem before they went dark; and because I was looking that up, I found a YouTube video talking about how a radio station in 1939 recorded an entire day of broadcasts, so now I know I can go look that up and listen to an entire day on one radio station in the 30s and learn a lot more about how radio broadcasts sounded within a few years of the timeframe I’m working with for the above character. I wasn’t looking for that when I was looking up radio sign offs, but because I have that it’s gonna be hella useful.

So, like, tl;dr: I research a lot. I research anything that crosses my mind as something I want to put in a story that I don’t already know enough about to write about. I research for tiny details and I pre-research big broad concepts that might be relevant to my stories later. My research leads to more research, and prior research tells me about things I can look into on future research. The research never ever ends. There is a whole amazing world out there with billions of people alive and that’s only counting the people alive right now, not all the people that were alive before, and ALL of those people were Doing Stuff and Creating Things and Making Discoveries and ALL of it connects together and you’ve gotta understand all of it, the whole universe and everything in it, all of the science and every single human achievement, before you can write a story.

But failing that you’ve gotta at least understand whatever’s surrounding your characters.

If I try to write without research like that, it kind of feels like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with only 20% of the pieces. I am annoyed and dissatisfied that I don’t know those things.

The argument against that much research is typically “oh if you’re writing sci fi/fantasy you can just make that stuff up” but let me tell you, the creativity of one single human writer will never match the creativity of tens of thousands of hardworking humans trying to make a discovery or accomplish a task. One single human writer all alone will never be able to match the fascinating weird details of the real world and all the things we’ve put into it or discovered in it. If you try to make all that stuff up—like, if you’re writing high fantasy and you just make up how forging a sword works—then you have shackled yourself to the limits of your own imagination. If you do the research, dig into how actual swords are made in the real world, then you have supplemented your own creativity with the creativity of however many humans over the millennia have contributed to that craft. There’s so much interesting stuff out there. And I am bound and determined to find it.

#anonymous #ask #writing #about my writing

15 notes · View notes

portable-wing-wang · 5 years ago

Text

Gender, Sexuality & Me

Right, here goes.

I've never properly talked about my gender or sexuality on here and feel as if I need to clear things up for friends, family and even myself.

Of course I'm very gender positive, I think everyone should explore themselves thoroughly in order to better understand their place in this world. What I experience will be different from other people and I may even disagree with others who share my experience as everyone is different. Just good to clear the air before we continue.

My name is Will(iam) Kirton. I was born at 1:04 AM on the 10th of April 2000. I was born with male attributes and was such designated a "boy". I have little problem with this. A baby knows itself very little and cannot comprehend itself properly and so adults assign labels which, for the most part, do help with development as a child is introduced to social spaces (schools etc.).

When young, gender means little and so I thought little of it. I never felt apart or different from my schoolmates. I did however feel uncomfortable and didn't know why. Constantly feeling as if I wasn't explaining myself properly and getting confused easily. I was bullied for this by many of the other boys and when trying to defend myself, I was made an outcast. This led to me to very female dominated spaces.

I tried my hardest to join the other boys (as I thought I was supposed to) but time and time again, I'd be pushed away. I did, however, make good friends with a few boys a couple of which I'm still friends with today. But my fondest memories come from my friendships with the girls and how they shaped me as a person.

I didn't know it then but through them I began to question myself, sub-conciously at first but very soon after it started to dominate my thinking. By the age of 14 I knew something was off for sure, but I didn't know what, so I started researching to find an answer.

First, I started to look at trans-folk and see how they saw it."Trans," Such an illusive word. To me it seemed so simple to begin with. Someone wanted to be something else because they felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. "Maybe there's something in this?" I thought, so I kept digging here and there with little motivation until I was about 15 when GCSEs took over and I didn't have time to think about it much until the summer of 2016. The thoughts came back in a big way. Why? I started going to parties.

Now it may seem a little silly but getting drunk and forgetting to hide myself allowed me to express myself in ways I'd never had the chance to before. Mannerisms began to appear that I wasn't controlling intentionally. I started speaking differently, stopped feeling like I had to explain myself and started having fun. This was the next big step of my self-discovery.

I then started playing DnD. Now, laugh if you wish but I had a human bard character names Steve who I categorized as a projection of myself if a little exaggerated. While playing as Steve, those mannerisms I gained started to take over even when sober. This was the last proof I needed to know I was queer but I didn't know what labels to use. I settled with saying I just had "queer tendencies" and left it at that but I still felt uncomfortable when I wasn't playing Steve.

So, I'm definitely queer, that's for sure but what kind?

I'm researching properly now. And not just gender, but sexuality as well. Bi, pan, gay, ace, etc.. I looked up everything and kept finding new labels. To help ease my brain, I focused on sexuality first. I knew I liked girls but I also liked boys however both in different ways. I timidly said I was bi for a couple years and then came out properly soon after my 18th birthday. I felt comfortable. For now . . .

I was still, however, confused. I couldn't work out whether I was a boy or a girl and it kept making everything else seem so confusing. At this point (16 or so) most of my good friends were male, I was decent at sports and I had a big ol' bass voice. BOY, right?

But there was something still bugging me.

I couldn't figure it out. Not until the summer before Uni, something slipped into place. I had completed my A Levels, I was out as bi, my shitty friends had left me, all was good. Wrong. I was more tense than ever. All I could think about was gender. Gender this, gender that. Constantly thinking, even with the distraction of the Edinburgh Fringe. I was also listening to a lot of Steam Powered Giraffe who, of course, have a trans woman playing the "Rabbit" character. I was obsessed. I wanted to find out everything about her and luckily, she posted a whole set of videos cataloguing her transition and thoughts all the way through. Finally, someone was essentially saying to me clearly what "trans" actually meant. Things began to make sense. I knew then that I was probably not cis but i didn't really feel comfortable saying I was "fully" trans, if you get my meaning.

But then I went to Uni. I finally had a chance to express myself freely and boy oh boy, did I do just that. I became so much more feminine than I ever had been in my life. It was so freeing. But I still didn't feel trans.

Then, someone introduced me to the concept of being "non-binary". A new term. I hadn't heard of it before. Is it like being trans? Or something completely different. I dived in head-first and came out the other end with even more answers but so many more questions.

Finally, I took the plunge (I'm sorry for so many swimming metaphors).

One evening in February 2019 after Uni I was in the loo before a musicals rehearsal. I hadn't felt well all day and was wearing something particularly feminine and caught myself in the mirror. I studied myself for a good few minutes. Each detail, each curve, how my body felt and looked in the clothes I was wearing. I stood there staring. Luckily no one walked in on me.

And something just clicked. After so many years of worrying and tensing, I finally understood. I was genderqueer.

Now, I should explain (here I go again), I didn't just decide then and there. I few months prior, my new uni friend "tom" (she goes by a different name now) had introduced me to a youtuber called Contrapoints. Before anyone says anything, I know she's caused a lot of discourse but I don't feel as if this is the right time to make any cases. Anyway, she didn't used to be openly trans and used to go by the label genderqueer. At the time, she made a very comprehensive video explaining what is and what it meant for her.

It intrigued me so, naturally, I did some more research and found that it fit my situation quite adequately but I didn't feel comfortable falling myself "genderqueer" yet either.

For those who don't know, genderqueer is an umbrella term for a wide range of traits which are either predominantly female, male or androgynous. It doesn't necessarily have a perfect definition and can be different for anybody who identify themselves as such.

My own genderqueerness could be described as a complete rejection of the male binary and so I carry more female and androgynous traits. This affects the way I speak, move my body, dress and my perspective on greater society. I also experience gender dysphoria. Now, to some, this would mean I was most likely just trans and using this a stopping-point before going further. This I feel is not the case. Whilst I am made uncomfortable by my flat chest, copious hair and broad shoulders, I do not feel the same about my genitalia or Adam's apple.

There are also more political connotations with the term genderqueer over non-binary. Genderqueer is a lot more aggressive but it gets the point across more clearly but I wouldn't say I wasn't non-binary. In fact, I think they're one and the same in practice but I do use my identity as a statement and so the genderqueer label feels more appropriate.

So yeah, I came out as genderqueer that February evening. First to my partner, then my friends and only now, almost a year later, am I attempting with my family.

I am so much happier for it too. I kept myself hidden for so long and have only now started to just accept myself and give in to the voice in my head telling me to let go. I'm much more relaxed too. Since coming out and using more neutral and even feminine pronouns, my dysphoria has become less of an issue. I still get it and I have bad days of course but for the first time in a long time, things are looking up.

I can't change the world, but I've been able to find myself in it more clearly and that helps a bunch.

TL;DR: I'm genderqueer. I'm bisexual. I've been out for a considerable time now and feeling better because of it.

Anyway, if you did read the whole thing, thank you. I'm not saying this'll be the same forever but this is me now and I'm still breathing so come get me world!

Feel free to reblog this, I hope it helps others realise themselves too.

#me #portable wing wang #queer #genderqueer #nonbinary #bisexual #lgbtqia+#rant #sorry it was long

15 notes · View notes

shelovescontrol91 · 5 years ago

Text

New Camila Interview

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/interviews/camila-cabello-latin-revolution-immigrant-america-industry-got/

The interview is locked unless you have a user so I posted it below. Bolded are some interesting parts

One afternoon in March 2012, Simon Cowell was taking a cigarette break backstage at Greensboro Coliseum in North Carolina, where he was judging auditions for the American X Factor, when he came across a girl lying on the ground, sobbing.

The girl was Camila Cabello. She had just turned 15, and for her birthday had asked her parents – Cuban immigrants living in Miami, who were making ends meet as a shop assistant and car washer – to drive her the 12 hours from their home to the auditions. Cabello explained to Cowell that, having been kept waiting for two days to see the judges, she had just been told by the producers that time had run out and she should go home.

“Apparently she was a reserve,” Cowell tells me over the phone. “So I said to her, ‘Listen, I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about, or what a reserve is, but since you’re here, come and audition.’ Five minutes later, she sang [Aretha Franklin’s Respect] in front of 7,000 people, and it was sensational.”

Cabello has a pint-size frame and a gigantic, intoxicating voice. What it lacks in technical finesse it makes up in youthful passion and romantic melodrama. Cowell installed his charismatic young discovery as the (unofficial) lead singer of a group comprising four other female contestants, and Fifth Harmony was born. After finishing the competition in third place, they signed to Cowell’s Syco label, becoming a sort of sister act to his other X Factor protégé group One Direction. Within months, Fifth Harmony had racked up a platinum-selling debut album of chart-friendly feminist anthems, a sold-out world tour, two performances at the White House and tens of millions of young fans.

For Cabello, that was just the start. Last year, Havana, the second single from her number one debut solo album, became the sound of the summer. An ode to the city where she was born and raised, featuring slow, sensual vocals layered over a Cuban-style piano riff, Havana made the singer the first female artist to achieve a billion streams for a single song. Whether or not you’re a fan of Cabello, you’ll have heard it.

This summer, the 22-year-old has repeated the impossible. Señorita, a Latino love song from her imminent second album featuring fellow pop star (and, as of July, boyfriend) Shawn Mendes, has once again conquered the charts. Talk about power couple: according to Spotify, the online music-streaming service, 21-year-old Mendes and Cabello, who picked up two MTV Video Music Awards for Señorita last week, are the most listened to artists in the world after Ed Sheeran. “Havana was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of success, and she’s just… done it again,” says Cabello’s manager Roger Gold, who first met the singer while serving as Fifth Harmony’s lawyer. “We never thought it would be this massive.”

When I repeat Gold’s words back to Cabello over an oh-so-millennial oat milk latte in a vegan café in Montreal – the latest stop on Mendes’s world tour – she grins. “It was the same with Havana,” she says, keeping an eye on the windows for the fans that have been camped outside her and Mendes’s downtown hotel since the couple were photographed ambling adoringly around the city together the day before.

“Everyone said to me, this is a Latin song, it could never be the single. Label heads and friends were saying I needed to add more production, that it was too slow,” continues Cabello, before absent-mindedly pouring coffee on her grey cashmere jumper and earnestly imploring me for laundry advice. We dab her sleeve with water as Cabello tries out my accent. “I’ll have a flaaat whiiite,” she drawls, mischievously, again and again until steer her back to the story. Persuaded that Havana would never get radio play, Cabello released Crying in the Club as her first solo single instead. But when the album was released, it was Havana that listeners pounced on.

“It was surreal: kids were coming up to me asking, ‘Are you Havana?’” she says. The song was nominated for two awards at the Grammys, where Cabello became the first female Latin artist to open the ceremony.

Cabello’s grip on the charts is part of what Gold calls “a ground shift”. “Latin artists have gained enormous global acceptance in the pop world in the last few years,” he says. Until 2017, a Spanish-language number one was vanishingly rare, limited to Enrique Iglesias, Shakira and novelties such as The Macarena. That changed when Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee’s 2017 Despacito, written entirely in Spanish, became the most-streamed song in history.

That same year, the number of Spanish-language songs in Billboard’s Hot 100 jumped from three to 19; this year’s tally is already at 16. Such is the influence of Latin culture on current pop that Madonna’s Madame X album single Medellin, released in April, featured Columbian reggaeton star Maluma, and breakout Spanish star Rosalia’s modern spin on old-school flamenco graced the John Peel stage this year at Glastonbury. In between, of course, came the juggernaut of Havana.

Cowell says he never really thought about Cabello’s Latin roots when he met her. “And then of course it occurred to me years later, that she was turning things around.” He has since had success with another Latino group, CNCO. “So maybe I owe a lot to her.”

Even singers of non-Spanish heritage are now cashing in on the genre, as Justin Bieber proved with his hugely popular remix of Despacito. “It’s definitely annoying when people take things, but sometimes I’m inspired by things that aren’t necessarily my culture,” says Cabello. “I think with globalisation, genre doesn’t exist any more. It was surreal hearing people sing the chorus to Havana. So many young people had never even heard of the place.”

Cabello donated the proceeds from the song’s music video to support young, undocumented immigrants known as DREAMers – those who entered the US as minors and are seeking resident status. Her YouTube channel has been inundated with messages from Latino fans thanking her for making them feel more welcome in America. Cabello suffers from anxiety and tends to steer clear of social media but when I mention the messages she clasps her face with both hands and her eyebrows shoot up under her curly fringe. “Really? That makes me so happy. That’s why I want to tell my story, because when I saw pictures of what’s happening at the border, my heart was broken. That’s my story too.”

Cabello was six years old when her mother, an architect, carried her across the Mexican border, telling her daughter that they were going to Disneyland. “I have this one memory of my mother taking me into a gas station, but that’s it,” she says. They were detained for 22 hours before being allowed to proceed to Miami. Her father, originally from Mexico City, joined them illegally a year later after swimming across the Rio Grande. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Cabello tells me. “I just had a Disney calendar and I crossed off every day until he arrived.

“It’s why my mum loves that film, Life Is Beautiful,” she says, referring to Roberto Benigni’s Oscar-winning comedy about a Jewish father and son taken to a concentration camp during the Holocaust. “Obviously I’m not comparing my story to that in terms of, you know… but it’s the same idea of a parent pretending it’s a game to protect their child.”

Cabello’s as yet untitled new album, out later this year, is a tribute to first love. She describes the experience in terms of the 2001 film Amélie, which she watched for the first time last year. “Before, I was Amélie,” she says, comparing herself to the film’s titular dreamer, played by Audrey Tautou. “I was just living in my own imagination. I didn’t go out and meet people. I didn’t really make any friends. Amélie’s thrills are the smallest things, like being looked at.”

As a child, she hated attention so much that she would cry when people sang Happy Birthday to her. Her X Factor audition was the first time she had sung in public, and helped her realise she could transform on stage. “Now I’m like Amélie at the end of the film, when she falls in love for the first time and breaks out of her shell.”

Of the 72 songs Cabello wrote for the album, only a small number will appear, each one dealing with the minutiae of relationships. Keen for me to hear some, Cabello summons her mother Sinuhe, who travels with her daughter everywhere and arrives at the café with an iPhone on which she plays me two new songs. One is a heavy, gothic ballad reminiscent of vintage Avril Lavigne; the other, a Latino song carried by a powerful brass section that makes you want to get up and salsa.

As with her last album, Cabello has a writing credit on every track of the new one – a rarity in an era when so many hits are manufactured by teams of writers and producers. Is she making a statement? “No, but I need to tell my own stories,” she says. “I still regret my first single, Crying in the Club, because I didn’t write it and it didn’t feel like me. I had the chorus to Havana, but I went with what was safe, what industry people said had worked before. Turns out, no one has a clue.”

When Cabello uses the word “industry”, her expression, usually warm and trusting, becomes uneasy. The absence of freedom she experienced early in her career as part of a label-curated girl group appears to have bred a distrust of the system.

“Fifth Harmony was like its own separate person. It’s like we were serving Fifth Harmony,” she says, tugging on the sleeves of her grey cashmere cardigan. After Cabello left the group in 2016, she was accused of betrayal, and things got nasty – when the four remaining members opened the MTV Video Music Awards in 2017, an elevated platform showed the silhouettes of five women, until one was unceremoniously shoved off the stage as the performance began. “It’s so normal for groups to disintegrate. I think it has to be some miracle for five people to stay together,” she says. "I’m so interested to see what makes it different for Little Mix [and X Factor girl group still going strong since they formed in 2011]”.

In 2020, Cabello will make her next career move – into acting. James Corden personally picked her to star in and contribute to the score of a modern musical version of Cinderella, which he is producing. “He saw my L’Oreal advert where I was basically just being an idiot, and he thought that was cool,” she explains. She sounds a little daunted – and is currently taking acting classes – but it feels like the obvious next chapter in a life that is taking on a fairy-tale dimension of its own.

“You know what,” Cowell had told me before hanging up. “I would never have guessed, all those years ago, that when I met someone who was having the worst day of her life, who was crying at the back of that arena, that now we’d be having this conversation. Can you believe it?”Camila Cabello’s new single is out on Thursday

#camila cabello #camilizers #shawmila #simon cowell #james corden

44 notes · View notes

lizwontcry · 6 years ago

Link

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Penny Characters: Sheldon Cooper, Penny (Big Bang Theory), Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz Additional Tags: penny being pregnant is utter bullshat, so here is my answer to that Summary:

The baby isn't Leonard's.

While the light is still red, Sheldon leans in and kisses Penny gently. She feels an interesting sensation in her belly as his lips meet with hers, and she is hopeful that there will be a lot more kisses like that in her future.

For Sheldon's fortieth birthday, he and Amy throw a huge party and invite everyone they know. With their Nobel Prize money, they have cash to spend on this affair, which they host at a luxurious mid-century modern beach house in Los Angeles (obviously this was all Amy's idea and Sheldon reluctantly went along with it). Raj mans the grill, providing hot dogs and hamburgers, and there is plenty of alcohol available to enjoy as well--Penny makes sure of that, although she does not imbibe herself--for obvious reasons.

"Are you having fun, Mama?" Bernadette asks Penny, after doing three tequila shots in a row with Amy while Penny watches with increasing jealousy.

"Of course! I love seeing my friends getting drunk and then almost drowning in the pool," Penny says, and Bernie laughs too loudly.

"I'll toast to that!" Amy says, doing one more shot than Penny would have advised.

Kripke and Bert are in the corner of the pool arguing about the season finale of Game of Thrones, and Leonard and Wolowitz are watching some Youtube video of the latest particle physics discovery on the patio, preferring to stay in the shade until absolutely necessary.

Penny is sitting by the side of the pool, surveying the action, happy for her friends and the fun they're having. She is also trying not to think about ruining most of their lives with one small sentence, which will have to be done sooner rather than later.

Sheldon extracts himself from Amy for a few minutes and comes over to sit by Penny. They both put their legs in the water. Penny briefly touches Sheldon's toe with hers, which makes him twitch a little. Penny laughs. She knows how much he hates other people's feet.

"Happy birthday, sweetie. I hope you're having fun."

"It's not the worst party I've ever been to," Sheldon admits. "Although I'd much rather be eating Thai food at home while watching--"

"The new Spiderman Blu-Ray, we all know, babe," Penny says. She loves her weirdo friend.

"Yes, that's correct." Sheldon takes a sip of the spiked lemonade Wolowitz made. Penny does enjoy a semi-drunk Sheldon. That's how they got into this mess in the first place.

"So I suppose you haven't told Leonard yet," Sheldon says, looking across the pool at Leonard, who is now eating a hot dog while playing volleyball with Howard. Penny has never been less attracted to him.

"Oh, yeah, I told him last night and he took it really well. He can't wait to raise your baby and co-parent with you and Amy. He's over the moon."

"Sarcasm?" Sheldon asks.

"Yes, Sheldon. Obviously I haven't told him yet. I wanted to wait until after this party. He's so happy right now--he thinks he's going to be a daddy and he never stops talking about it. This baby was going to give him the chance to raise a child the direct opposite of how his mother raised him."

"Why would he want to do that? Beverly is a perfect mother," Sheldon says, and Penny ignores him.

"Anyway. I'll tell him tomorrow night. Are you ready to stick with the plan? I'm not putting my ass on the line if you're going to chicken out."

For a brief moment, Sheldon puts his arm around Penny and she rests her head on his shoulder. This public display of affection is not a good idea, but nobody is watching them, and Penny can always explain that Sheldon was expressing his newfound happiness for her pregnancy if anyone asks.

"I'm ready. Amy thinks I'm going to a conference in Colorado next week and that's why I've been packing in advance."

Penny nods. "Good. But... you don't have to do this, you know. I realize this isn't how you imagined your life turning out. I can deal with it on my own."

"Of course I know that, Penny. And yes, this is not optimal. I made a vow to Amy and I planned to uphold it for as long as I lived, but things change. Now that I've won the Nobel, I find that I am amenable to other possible outcomes. You are carrying my child, and I am committed to you and the baby. We can make this work."

Penny smiles. "We can. I know we can. Have you figured out how you're going to explain this to your mother yet?"

"No. I can't even picture how she's going to react. There's no telling what Jesus is going to think of my actions but I'm sure I'll find out soon." Sheldon sighs and Penny feels the familiar ache of how their lives are going to change so drastically and how many people it's going to affect. "I have to return to Amy now. You are going to tell him tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Penny promises, dreading every single second leading up to her telling Leonard that she is actually having Sheldon's baby.

"Then I'll be ready tomorrow," Sheldon says, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. He takes his shiny alabaster legs out of the pool and walks away to find his wife. Penny watches him closely. Although she occasionally had feelings for Sheldon in the last 12 years since they've first met, of course she didn't think they'd end up together. But it feels... kind of right? She doesn't love him, exactly. Not yet. She's hoping that will come after all the guilt from cheating on Leonard with his best friend, and taking her best friend's husband from her, has dissipated somewhat. It's right there on the surface--part of her thinks she's been falling in love with him one small moment at a time for a while now--at least ever since they went shopping together and Sheldon came out looking like a snack in that black suit of his. That's when Penny realized he was way more than a socially awkward comic book nerd.

Penny gets in the pool and swims over to Leonard, who offers her half his hot dog, which she takes gratefully--she's eating for two now. Bernadette joins Howard at the volleyball net and they play together, couple against couple, not knowing that there will be one couple less in the next 24 hours or so.

24 HOURS LATER

Telling him now. Meet you outside in hour. - P

Fine. See you then. - S

It’s about 8:13 PM on a Sunday night. They just had dinner--Leonard made a lovely meal of roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, which Penny had been craving for a week. Leonard is sitting at his desk, writing a grant proposal (or something, Penny isn’t really paying attention) and listening to a TED talk. In other words, just like every other Sunday night Penny can remember in the last couple years. She has no idea what Sunday nights with Sheldon is going to entail, but she’s definitely ready to find out.

This would all be so much easier if she went with her first plan, which was to leave Leonard a note and never speak to him again. But Sheldon vehemently disagreed with that method and convinced her to tell Leonard the truth in person. Penny hopes Sheldon’s inherent goodness will rub off on her.

“Hon? I have something to tell you,” Penny says. She’s sitting in Sheldon’s spot on the couch.

“One second, let me finish this sentence…” Leonard says. Penny waits at least two minutes before Leonard turns around. “Okay! What’s up? Is the baby kicking again?”

“No, that’s not it. But it does have to do with the baby. Um, remember that night when Sheldon and I went out for some drinks and then I came home and was too drunk to, you know… do it with you?”

“Yes… of course I do. The week before is when we made that baby. And as I recall, we haven’t ‘done it’ since then.”

Penny nods. The ever-present guilt is starting to make her a little queasy. The questions she asks herself over and over, day and night, are stacking up again--how could I do this to him? He loves me so much and I cheated on him. I’m the worst wife ever. And the like. Penny has always known her morals have been questionable. In a way, she’s not even surprised this happened. Her relationship with Leonard was bound to derail eventually, just because she is the way she is. This is what she thinks in her darker moments--most of the time she’s able to at least justify it enough to make the guilt go away for a while. But that’s not happening tonight. Most likely tomorrow she'll wake up and her other dominant feeling will take over--that she deserves this baby, that her marriage has been a disaster from the beginning, that Leonard cheated on her before they even got married... you know, that kind of thing.

“Well. Sheldon and I had a good time that night. We laughed a lot. He drank more than I’ve ever seen him drink. He was telling me about winning the Nobel Prize and Amy and the problems they’re having in their marriage, and I did the same…”

Leonard looks--well, he looks a lot of things. A bit hurt, a bit confused, a bit angry. He’s going to be a lot more of those things in a few minutes.

“Why would you tell him about our issues? We barely even have any. You know I don’t want to go around telling our friends everything.”

Penny resists the urge to roll her eyes. They have plenty of issues that her pregnancy was just going to provide a band-aid for; before she got pregnant they'd fight every couple of days about both the little things and the big things. From how Penny never takes the trash out to how Leonard doesn't want Penny to audition for anything because he thought her acting days were over. They fought about that one a lot.

She doesn't argue with him on this point, though, because she's the one currently at fault here. "I know. But I was drunk, and I was in a mood. Well, something happened. Something you aren’t going to like. I made a mistake. Sheldon and I both made a mistake. When we got in the car to drive back to the apartment, we sort of… ended up in the parking lot of the Pasadena Public Library. And…” Penny doesn’t know how to finish this sentence. It’s so bad. It’s so so bad.

Leonard has started to figure out that his worst nightmare may be coming true at this exact moment. “And what? You checked out some books and went home?”

“No. It was dark and rainy and we were both drunk. One of us kissed the other. Then we got in the backseat and things… happened.”

“What are you telling me, Penny? Because surely you aren’t saying that Sheldon got you pregnant? That would be utterly ridiculous.”

Penny stares at the floor. She’s glad she already moved most of her stuff into the car so she wouldn’t have to stick around much longer. Can she leave now? Does Leonard have all the information yet?

It turns out he has a lot more to say. Penny listens to Leonard yell, and cry, and accuse, and say all the mean things she knows are true. He deserves to let it all out, she thinks. He deserves a better wife, and she deserves a better husband. They were never right for one another--just because they lived across the hall from each other doesn't mean they are soul mates. It just means they lived across the hall from each other.

While he goes on and on, Penny thinks about how she used to love Leonard at one point in her life--it seems like a long time ago, but she wasn’t always dissatisfied and bored with their marriage. She should have done something about it instead of ending up in a backseat with Sheldon, but… it happened. Things can change so quickly.

“I’m going to leave now,” Penny says when Leonard has finally run out of things to say. Leonard doesn’t argue with her. Instead, he ignores her completely, which she actually prefers. She gets her purse and a few other things from her room, and leaves the past behind.

Sheldon is waiting for her in the lobby. They hurry to her car, and once Penny has driven a mile or so, she stops at a red light. She turns to him and is surprised to see that Sheldon is smiling. Like, a real, actual, human smile.

"How did she take it?"

"Not well, I'm afraid. I believe she's writing you several angry texts or emails as we speak." Penny knows there's a lot more to the story, and that Sheldon is devastated in his own way. Amy was the first love of his life. She hates what Amy is about to go through, but there's no turning back now.

"That reminds me..." Penny says. She lowers the window and throws her phone out of it. It lands with a satisfying thud on the road.

Sheldon, without even thinking about it, does the same with his phone. Penny is shocked but delighted.

"This is the new me. The 40-year-old father of a new baby. The 40-year-old husband of Penny. The 40-year-old Nobel Prize winning scientist. I like the sound of that," Sheldon says. Penny laughs. She can fall in love with this Sheldon. This is a much different version of the 20-something she met for the first time who proudly showed her his whiteboards so long ago. This is the man she may, in fact, spend the rest of her life with--and that doesn't scare her or bore her to tears when she thinks about the prospect.

"Let's do this," Penny says. Sheldon nods, and as the light turns green, they drive into their future.

#shenny #I keep writing stuff #fandom #fanfic

15 notes · View notes

comments-on-kai · 6 years ago

Text

[YouTube] Jongin's viral TEMPO showcase fancam hits 600K views

EXO KAI's fancam is a sensation among knetz; receiving rave reviews & praises for his outstanding stage & keeps impressing Muggles+ Non-fans; gaining even older male fans upon their new discovery + viewers keeps coming back for re-watch with the "1Day1Kai" syndrome

181102 EXO COMEBACK SHOWCASE - Tempo KAI (2 Angles Mixed) by Mr.Destiny

- On Facebook this video is Daebak among Muggles! I think the video on FB has like 490,000 views so if the views for FB and Youtube are combined it's already more than 1 million viewsㄷㄷㄷ If a genius works hard and even enjoys what he is doing the outcome is this incredible result everybody is praising him

- I only know the name "Kai" and his face but I'm so shocked after watching this video. Wow...it's as if he was possessed by a real God of Dance of the Universe...

- This is is not an Idol...isn't he an Artist;;

- Even from a 31-years old ahjussi point of view he is fvcking cool and his charms are amazing. If even I am like this, let alone the people of various age and gender

- The harmony between Kai's body and strength is so good...it's the best. He's not the main dancer for no reason

- Not even a fan but I feel like faintingㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ seriously how are the fans doingㅜㅜ how could such an amazing creature even exist

- I'm not an EXO-L but this appeared in the suggested video so I came to watch it and I'm in shock...this is Daebak.. the quality of the video and Kai's dancing is no joke

- I only know the name "EXO" and have no idea of who are the members and had no interest in them. Recently I really liked the song Tempo and searched for it and came to this point. But honestly this doesn't even make any sense..Of course the other members are all handsome and good at dancing, but Kai's visual, dance, his facial acting, his command of the stage...those are almost at National Treasure level??? I'm so very taken aback at the fact that there is a figure like him among currently active Idols...Of course he shines as a member of EXO but I think he could hit Daebak if he has separate promotions as a Solo

- As I am a guy with zero interest in male idols, I never thought I'd keep coming back to watch a male idol's fancam. How could someone dance with so much flavor? The dance itself is really awesome but in the meantime the facial expressions that was shown is also quite addictive..I have no idea of the other EXO members but as far as Kai goes I will definitely remember him even in the future

- Kai will become the meaning of "more than just an Idol"...although he already is wow it's crazy seriously overwhelming all the dance movements and expressions..Kai the perfect piece of art

- Wow honestly this has the qualities of an American advancement

- This is SO GOOD I've never seen a fancam like this my whole life..

- I'm here again I have to watch this 10 times a day

- Is Kai's smile insured...? If it's not please insure it right now and don't regret later...

- I'm a Muggle but this is crazy ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ his skills are one thing but his talent is unlike a regular human being it's like he's a monster ... not human

- 1 Day 1 Kai (T/n: an expression to describe watching the fancam at least once per day)

- I'm here again to watch this... this is seriously THE legend of legendary male idol fancams world ---->(Reply): EXO's turning even me into gay

- Wow seriously Kai dances as if his life depended on it and he jumps around so vividly on stage...seriously his expressions and details all of it is crazy

- He is playing around (feeling amusement) beyond the dance and the music, like smoothly flowing water. On Kai, not even one beat or tempo is wasted. An extraordinary state.

- Anyone here again to watch this for today?

- seriously fvcking cool...somewhat a Hollywood feel to him

- This is seriously legendary

- Wow...his dancing is too fvcking good I searched all the Tempo dance covers but Kai's dance is engraved on my brain that everything else sucks. The "listen this will be enough" ddun ddun part his control of strength and facial acting FVCK just too cool and because of the outfit it's like Michael Jackson concept..perfect -->(Reply1) That's definitely a homage to MJ...I can see a few MJ's signature movesㅜㅡㅜ sobs...really crazy..the people who covered Kai's parts are really good but Kai is beyond the fourth wall ㅜㅡㅜ ------>{Reply2) Ah I thought I was the only one who thought of MJ and was thinking "Am I being over the top" but when I scrolled down I wasn'tㅋㅋㅋㅋ from 0:35 I went Oh? ㅋㅋㅋㅋYou can see the moving he did for controlling his strength it's based on MJ and his expressions made it even more so..I knew he's good at dancing but watching him through a fancam kind of video?this is a first time for me seriously he's no joke

- I'm thankful for the fact that I was born in a generation where I can see God's Masterpiece moving

- After watching Kai's fancam, fancam of other idols became just a DanceIdol1 (T/n: like a code name, means OP has no interest in knowing the Idol's name) video that feels common and boring. I can't find any other idol that danced from the beginning to end,with the perfect angle and lines from his head down to his feet as a true dancer would. If we consider perfection to be non-existent than he would be the closest thing to being perfection. Total 10 points for both Technique and Art

- I typed "Tempo" and this video was there so I watched it, he dances so well...no I don't think I could do it justice by saying "he danced well" I'm so surprised that there is a dancer like this coming out from idols. It's to the point that the thought of he is the best dancer among idols entered my mind

- Kai!!! This is beyond being cool,should I say it's Phenomenal? This young man is amazing how much effort did he put in...This person is the real deal

- He's similar to that statue in the Greek Temple..the concept this time is really Daebakㅠㅠ

- How is he THIS good...I'm shocked

- I never write comments when I watch but this is Daebak

- His physique is very beautiful

- I'm here to watch this again today..I've been getting my stamps (of attendance) for one whole week now. Kai-ssi you dance so amazingly

- I know he's good at dancing but rather than an idol's choreography it's like watching a modern dance piece

- I want Kai to go on a program that can show more of his dancing and be even more successful ㅠ ---->(Reply) I share the same opinion. Whether in the US or wherever Kai should be shown off more. It is such a waste of his talent (if that isn't done). I have only seen his dance for 1 week and already I have this kind of thought, I think it's even more for EXO fans right? ------->(Reply2) I really hope Kai could be exported worldwide too

- Ah I received such a SHOCK...let's designate Kai as a National Treasure

- Kai's dance seriously slays with the awesomeness I'm not even a fan but I keep looking this up...so cool

- Kai-nim today I'm reporting for duty again here...the song Tempo is so good and I'll keep reporting myself here every day until this fancam hits 1 million views

- Wow....this is simply.. art

- This is my first time seeing Kai dance...this is beyond dancing dilligently, it's because he is enjoying himself while dancing that makes him so much more natural, and with his own unique interpretation of the song, he could carefreely dances the part that he wants to be carefree while powerfully dances the parts that he wants to dance powerfully and it seems like through this he is making the song his own. Could tell how much he's enjoying himself through his expressions.

- The thing with Kim Jongin's dance is despite the intensity of the dance you can still feel his restraint and gracefulness. It's difference than randomly dancing on the streets and this is why critics of popular culture can't help but to acknowledge him

- his face is half-covered but his handsomeness could be felt just from his jaw also his expressions of enjoying the stage...I love itㅜ

- Wow... can't take my eyes off him...so very outstanding and superior...really...!

- No..what the heck is this...it's at the level where no words are needed this is not idol dance it's like artㄷㄷ

- Cra...zy...wow...my eyes are opened to a brand new world

- There might be people who never watched this for even once, but there will never be people who could watch this only once after they've watched it ㅠㅜㅠㅡㅠ I'm reporting for duty once again today

- A drug-like video

- SM you have someone of Jongin's caliber show us more of his dance!!! what are you doing ! give us the contents!

- Wow. At first the smirks are melting at then towards the middle the part he wasn't smiling ..seriously could feel his force of being focused on the dance and the music...I'm from another fandom but I keep coming here to watch this ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

- he's shooting a Musical all by himself,,, I'm speechless about his dancing lines,, seriously the details of his expressions are amazing,,it's too wow,, it's the level where you should pay money to watch this

- I have a different person as my bias but I just can't take my eyes off him in this video. He is really...the Real deal.

- I came here and he cuts me with his dancing lines... seriously how could he dance like that...too good at dancingㅠㅠ

- Wow what did I just see...I think he's best dancer I've ever seen...he's dancing that well but his face is so handsome and his body is good tooㅠ Isn't that unfair....

- seriously how hard did he work and practice in his own field. I had no idea I would look at a dance video and self-reflected on myself..ㅜ

-???? Are the stans still alive??? I'm not even into EXO and I'm like..dying seriously he's too sexy it's crazy

- They say if the word "sexy" transformed into human form it's EXO Kai..this is daebak

- Ah seriously he's in another class of his own...I'm going crazy

- Definitely the top among all idols I've seen. From the control of strength in his dancing to his facial expressions. Wow

- Can't help but moaned at the ending poseㅎㅎ His physique (thumbs up)

- Amazing...so cool..watching Jongin's fancams means the world to me his expressiveness and his facial expressions, there are no empty portions I don't know where to take a breath ㅠㅁㅠ really makes me want to scream "thank you for dancing"..

- he is totally in a different genre

- he captured art in his dancing

- Everybody knows he's a great dancer but how should I say this, seeing his happiness on stage makes even me feel happy? He is the very person who made someone like me who loves singing a lot realized how attractive a dance could be.

- Kai is a dance genius his overall control and expressions are daebak...;; everything from his head to his feet are moving it's incredible

- Ya...so this is talent! the dancing is art

- I have fallen for Kai

- Even from a man's point of view he's really cool

- Whoa... he dances in such a great way. first off the expressions are already different. wow.

- Wow (for me) as a man Kai is really cool it’s worthy to do a Cover (of this)

- How could every movement that came from his body looks so cool... as expected he dances the best among all the idols I've seen so far...it's not just the typical kind of "good dancing" he's somewhat different

- How many times have I watched this.........

- I could see he's enjoying himself while dancing...he looks happy

- so he's the type to feel the dance while enjoying it. This is the first time I look at a younger man and think that he's cool

- check out his dancing lines I'm reminded of Michael Jackson

- there's a huge joy in watching Kai's dance in nano-scale... his hand gestures, body movement and facial expressions...it makes time passes by so quickly while watching a 3-minute song(performance) that I don't feel bored

- Fvck his expressions are real solid...I felt Michael Jackson's vibesㄷㄷㄷ

- "There are a lot of people who dances but nobody dances like Kai" I really agree with these words a thousand hundred times

- I saw you for 1 second in the mixed-stage edit and came searching for this...wow I thought you danced really well but I had no idea I would fall for you in 1 second you are really sexyㅋㅋㅋ

- Fvck me...seriously this is a real person? Seriously I could empty my soul and life for this

- his facial acting is crazy seriously...is he a genius I keep coming for this I can't even praise his dancing anymore

- Okay so at this timing..how about releasing a solo...

- I'm not the type to comment (on Youtube) but this is a video with a magical spell. I would like to thank the person who took this video.

- as long as I have lived I've never been a fan of a singer ... is this what people say becoming a stan?

- Ah fvck I'm a BT* fan I think I'm gonna stan EXO ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ truly going crazy ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ fvck this doesnt make any sense but I think I'm gonna be a stan no I think I already am

- Personally I think he dances even better than Rain. I think when Kai comes out as a Solo it's gonna be no joke. He has the feels of Rain+Seven combined (T/n: Rain and Seven are two of South Korea's most loved male Dance Singers in mid-2000s era)

- not saying this simply because I'm a fan but I think his dancing is even more incredible because this is a dance of someone who spent 10,000 hours in his effort. He takes meticulous care for even one simple angle and you need more than talent to do that and Kai has now debuted for 7-8 years yet he could still accomplish that ㄷㄷ I think I know now how passionate he is about dancing

- His dance and facial expressions are fvcking incredible..seriously I do not compare just any dancer to this man but like what the person above mentioned, I saw a bit of Michael Jackson in him plus his outfit and the hat is seriously a miracle move;;

- really I'm not a fan (of EXO) but he's fvcking goodㄷㄷ

- Oh he kinda have the Yoo JunSun Choreographer-nim vibes both of them are really so cool ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ(T/n: Junsun Yoo of famed 1MILLION Dance Studio)

- Wow I had no idea he could dance this well...this is Daebak

-Ohmygod... the moment I saw this I'm reminded of Michael Jackson he's so amazing

- I'm just a Muggle passing by...please save me,,

- The representative of Michael Jackson's Kids who grew up well. The best in the history of South Korea's performers

- Watching Kai's stages, his expressions and overall control of the dance changes depending on the atmosphere of the stage. And for Tempo stage, Kai's expression at the stage for music shows and Kai's expression for the Tempo performance during showcase is different. It makes me think that he's a person who understand the circumstances and songs very well...he's more experienced and seasoned than his 7 years

- This is not a broadcasting station camera but personal fancam??? I'm so shocked at the dancing but what is this camerawork??

- Kai is seriously unrivalled

- Seriously he's the type who dances in the most ludicrous way...like every joint in his body is working organically, each and every part of his body is dancingㅠㅠㅠ his expressiveness is incredible and I think the Korean stage is too small for himㅠㅠ

- Really a dance that can't be described with words...no I think this is the first time I'm completely gobmacked just by watching a dance

- Is this the legendary fancam where even fans from other fandoms come to watch everyday?

- I'm fainting. The best among Idols. Too beautiful.

- This is crazy. Even from a man's point of view he's very sexy. I had no idea he's to the level that had me constantly overlapping him with Michael Jackson. Are you not going to release a solo!(T/n: this was written in formal speech...like respectfully lol)

- You can see how much he is enjoying himself on the stage and he doesn't do things lightly he always gives his all. Kai is forever the center of EXO nobody could argue with that

- I was going to see Kyungsoo but when I see Kai..Heok! This is the first time I've ever fallen for a male idol's dance..so sexy

- The way idols dance changed a lot before and after the appearance of Kai; especially after Kai appeared there were many dance idols who danced with that possessed scientist(?) vibes but Kai is really that sensational, you know just by looking at this fancam

- what is this...it's a level that doesnt need any words it's not Idol's dance but like a piece of artㄷㄷ.....

- he's so good,,,, watched this and kept thinking of the singer Rain during the height of his career and also Sevenㄷㄷㄷ if only Kai could come out as a Solo... I think he could be a male dancer singer that's worthy of anticipation after a long time

- his dancing is amazing but when he takes off the hat I was shocked at his handsomeness

- It's phenomenal I always feel this when I watch Kai dance but there is nothing lacking in either his dance or facial expressions it's like he was born to be an entertainer. He has this special thing that's incomparable to anyone else. Isn't it that specialty his key in successfully still pulling the public in even for a long run?

- I'm reminded of Michael Jackson...just that kind dignity of the dance and the feel of the dance

- to simply say that he dances well is very lacking... his dancing is TREMENDOUS his level is beyond that of an Idol

- This is a Kai-stanning entry video that surpassed The Eve fancam he's like the Devil and also an Angel

- Wow I keep coming here to watch this ㅋㅋ when watching it time passes by real quickly ㅋㅋㅋㅋ his expressions are sexy and because he's enjoying himself as he danced it makes him looks so much cooler. I think I know the reason why EXO is the best. It's because even after they reached the top, they're still presenting the perfect stage

- his strong pelvic bounce and the cute smiles in between, his sexy chest muscleㅠㅠㅠㅠㅜㅜ it's crazy he's so sexy why is his body so good,,, I see nothing but Kai

- Personally, the singer who I think has a very cool dancing line and dance so well to the point it made me think "this is how a dance should be done" was Uknow Yunho, seems like Kai quite formidable too...the feeling is like he is personally showing "this is how Tempo should be danced"

- Really to say that Kai dances the best among idols won't be an exaggeration...his dancing line is so beautiful

- His dance made my heart beat faster....the reason for the saying "Kai is God" is clearly verified in this video..Wow daebak WHAT IS THIS PERSON

- I think I've watched this 50 times just for today..at first I didn't like the song but after watching this video I liked it...he's so good at dancing it makes me keep watching

- I think it has been such a long time since I thought a male idol looks so cool..Awesome

- The fact that there are still so many people freshly shocked at Kai's dance...everybody as expected this is Kai~~

- His dancing is shocking...I don't think he's human

- The fact that he's good at dancing comes second, even his facial expressions are perfect;;

- Kai's dance is really amazing his facial acting is excellent and he knows how to enjoy dancing and is full of that feeling

- His completely free changing expressions from 0:43 - 0:48 ...God-given body movements and facial expressions

- Wow..I'm from another fandom and I know Kai is a good dancer but I had no idea it is to this level...It's like he's saying "Yo this is what a dance is!"... he's amazingㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

- the kind of dance that SM wants...the ultimate feel..by having the eyes covered that's already half-giving up on expressing things through facial expressions and yet by looking at the comments, compliments of "his facial acting is daebak, his vibe is good" are hanging on it. This is (why he's) Kai.

- Seriously I had zero interest in EXO and don't even know their names ... and somehow I ended up seeing this,,,, I love you Kai

- I have heard of EXO Kai's name and have seen him once in a drama... but he was actually EXO's main dancer?ㄷㄷ he's a fvking good dancer...damn cool..whoever it was who made him wear that intricate outfit you shall be blessed.. at the end what's up with taking off the hat like that...seriously my heart was almost attacked wow... ------>(2 hours later) Ah I'm getting so angry? Why do I only know of him now... EXO debuted a fvcking long time ago what was I doing ㅋㅋㅋㅋ I totally had no interest in EXO ah I'm so mad ㅋㅋㅋㅋ ㅋㅋㅋㅋ seriously he's so cool it's crazy sdjhkfjls;

- So kids this is why y'all go so crazy for EXO huh? Just by chance I watched Music Bank after so many years to check out who are the recent singers of today and I saw Kai with his lunatic expressions on stage and I searched for this. Ha. I need to find more of his other stuffs. ----> Reply(same person who was angry about discovering Kai so late): That's what I'm saying yo kids seriouslyㅋㅋㅋㅋ so this is why you kids kept going around saying EXO EXO to death...I should have listened more attentively...I should've known sooner I'm pathe..

- the seriously fantastic thing about Kai is (the fact that) he IS the center of EXO

- he's fvcking fvcking good at dancing but even the face that was revealed at the end when the hat was taken off is perfect;;;

- I am a BIGBANG fan but honestly this is awesome

- If Kai releases a solo it will be daebak...also kinda similar to Taemin but anyways it's like Kai alone is playing on stage

- Just looking at his lips and I could feel his handsomeness and sexiness

- I had no idea I would feel so touched just by watching an Idol singer's dancing video...I know now why people are always saying Kai this and Kai that- I don't even like Idols but I'm doing this as 3 viewings per day. I have no words except you're the best

#kai #exo kai #jongin #tempo #exo tempo #don't mess up my tempo #kai fancam #commentsonKAI

42 notes · View notes

carousel-under-the-rain · 6 years ago

Text

Memento Vivere: A Wanderer's Perspective

“Live your life by a compass, not a clock.”

─Stephen Covey

Travelling is really one those things that I enjoy the most. Going to different places, meeting new people and discovering their stories are truly fascinating. I’ve always dreamed to set on a journey for the sole purpose of wandering. The idea of learning a place’s cultures, beliefs, language and history gives fuel to my wanderlust. I guess what drives my love for travelling is my thirst and passion for discovery.

The quote above was said by Stephen Covey an American educator and a keynote speaker. I saw a video of his talk about “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” in YouTube two years ago, which later on I realized was actually from his own book. Hearing that short line from his talk was captivating because I share the same belief when it comes to my outlook in life. I agree that a person should live his life through a compass that doesn’t only represents going to different directions but also about the memories and the people you would encounter all throughout your personal voyage. Though the clock somehow symbolizes the limited chances we have, it also teaches us to give importance with the things we experience and to live at the moment.

Being given a task in our course Language, Culture and Society that requires embarking on a journey within our local towns made me excited. The fact that I have a soul of a wanderer was an obvious reason why but the assignment of promoting that municipality through our travelogue. The class was divided through our respective places of residence. I was part of the group of people coming from the second district of Leyte (which includes Jaro and Barugo). We were a group consisting of four members where the first two are from Jaro while my other classmate and I are from Barugo. Due to our even number of members we held a discussion about which place should we go and eventually we picked Barugo as our destination. Originally, I’m not really from Barugo but it has been my residence for four years already. The decision of choosing my current residence was great because I am hitting two birds with one stone at the same time, I would have the chance to finally go home and to enjoy our travelogue.

Barugo is a 4th class municipality in the province of Leyte. It might be a humble town but is known for being the home of Sanggutan Festival and one the original makers of tuba or coconut wine earning its nickname “Land of the Coconut Wine”. Despite of living for almost four years in that town, there are a lot things that I still don’t know about the place which is also a challenge for me and to my group mates as well. It was during the holy week when we start working on our task and we agreed to meet up in Robinsons Marasbaras’ Terminal. After an hour and a half travel from Tacloban we arrived at Barugo and went to our house first to plan our itinerary. After planning we first decided to focus and discover things in poblacion (the central of the town). We went to the municipal office and interviewed some people who could help us learn about the background and history of the place. We also took pictures of important details that could be found from the office. The people from the municipal’s office that helped us were one of the main contributors of information for our travelogue making. We also visited the local church that dates way back Spanish colonization and the store run by a women’s association which makes the town’s local delicacies: roscas and torta. Our second day was full of adventures, we went to a few barangays and experienced the wonders of nature through mountain climbing, trekking and swimming.

I could say that we really had fun and accomplished our task within two days. But of course we also faced various obstacles that challenged our journey. First, the lack of means of transportation especially when we are in the far barangays. Second, the dangerous paths we take through walking to reach our respective destinations. Third, unlike other groups we were only a small group. There are times that one member would need to sacrifice so that there’s someone who will shoot the videos and take the photos. Lastly, it was also exhausting at some point but it was all worth it. In spite of these minor challenges we have encountered, our group were able to deal with it through quick response and solutions with the situations. While when it comes to the memorable parts, I would say that my favourite was when we climbed Mt. Sampaw. The trek up there was not easy but the feeling you get when you reached the top is beyond any words. I loved that remarkable breathtaking view which overlooks some coastal barangays of the town, some parts of Carigara and ─the peaceful ocean.

My contribution to the group was being one of the resource person of our travelogue. I used my advantage as a resident of the town to assist my members. I was also an instant tour guide and pseudo-historian during our two day travelogue. Working in a group made the task easier and more enjoyable especially there were only four of us. Through accomplishing this task, I also discovered a lot of things I didn’t know before, finally understood some things I get confused about and some additional knowledge about the town. As a language student, it made me come up with few realizations. We are actually missing out a lot of good things if we won’t pay attention or at least observe. This journey proved that language, culture and society are correlated and inseparable. Furthermore, we need to help our local municipalities to recognize and preserve these rich culture and history. As a professional, in the future I would like to encourage the local government unit to engage on research works and I would still support my previous suggestion of pushing our local officials to contribute something to the society by preserving and promoting these unique features.

The trip was not only something we have done because it was our task in school but also something that we would treasure us a beautiful memory. As for me it is one of my unforgettable experience as a college freshman. It also served as our outlet and stress-reliever from all the hectic class schedules and demanding school deadlines. In conclusion, this activity did not only act as requirement in school but an immersion that taught as few lessons we do not simply learn at school and some discoveries about our locals. When I was younger I’ve always wonder how other countries looked like and wished to travel around the world but this experience made me write another goal in my bucket list. In the future, I would love to travel our local places first and learn new things. I shall live a life of a compass and the clock as my guide. Si gue adelante!

2 notes · View notes

loubie364 · 6 years ago

Text

I haven’t posted anything for a while, due in part to waiting for all the pieces to fall into place for some rather exciting news, for me at least. Today it is 60 days till I go in for Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) surgery!

I have wrestled with the idea of having DBS surgery for the last few years. I know that to some people this might seem like a no-brainer – “have the surgery, get back your quality of life”. It’s a lot easier to say this when it’s not your skull someone is drilling two holes into. So yes, I am a wimp, fear played a part in my decision making (or lack thereof). I justified to myself that there was no urgency to decide because:

There is so much development and exciting discoveries happening in Parkinson’s Disease research (and there are), surely a less invasive procedure will happen soon.

(In my opinion) the progression of the disease, in my case, was relatively slow and I was coping fine.

And, of course there was that fear thing…

After 13 years of living with PD and having to honestly (I am stubborn) admit that in the last 2 years things have become more challenging, the decision whether to have DBS surgery or not had been quite prominent in my thoughts. My wife has been quite keen on the procedure, (possibly to see whether there is in fact a brain in there) but has always made it clear that the decision is mine to make and that she will support me either way. It still came down to me to make the decision, not my neurologist, not my wife…….me! If I am to be totally honest, I had been avoiding making the decision, procrastinating and finding ways to delay it. A nudge, actually more of a shove was needed to get this decision made.

But how did I eventually get here?

I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide let’s do this. A lot of thought and prayer has gone into the decision. I considered my age, my childrens’ ages, what my wife and I would like to do in our future, my health, the progression of the disease, my frustration levels with my symptoms etc. But it was all kick started by a foolish decision I took.

A newish development where the whole procedure can now be done whilst I am blissfully in a state of anaesthesia (as opposed to being awake whilst they drill into my skull and then fiddle around in my brain) has gone some way towards making the decision easier. I don’t really want to be awake when they discover my brain is actually a jelly doughnut – I don’t want to see or think about that.

The Nudge

About 6 months ago I foolishly started following a diet off the internet, a YouTube clip which recommended the ketogenic diet for people with PD and showed the remarkable improvements achieved by the person who was following it. This was strange behaviour for me as I am not a follower of diets and I am generally quite cautious and sceptical of internet advice and usually check things out before trying them. I can only think that the frustration of the symptoms at the time got the better of me and I started the diet. The results were remarkable……that is remarkably disastrous. I lost about 5 kilograms in the first 10 days, my legs started cramping and generally I felt weak. My symptoms got worse, rapidly. At one stage I could not even walk to the kitchen to get my medication, I ended up crawling there. Upon seeking advice from a dietician, it turns out that the ketogenic diet is not good for someone with PD. As our bodies are constantly moving, we need to eat more like a professional sportsman – our bodies require carbohydrates and when the body doesn’t receive enough of that it goes and finds this energy source in its own muscles. It breaks down the muscle and feeds on itself – hence the weight loss and general feeling of weakness. I immediately stopped the diet and subsequently regained the lost kilograms and my symptoms improved somewhat. At the same time, I made an appointment with my neurologist, he was quite shocked by the sudden deterioration and reiterated what the dietician had said about the ketogenic diet and the danger about following advice on the internet. And then DBS made its re-entry. He said I should really give DBS some thought again and knowing from previous discussions my reluctance to being awake during the procedure told me about the new development where you are anaesthetised throughout the procedure. The suggestion was not a surprise, it had been bouncing round in my head as well. I had nothing to lose in starting the process and I don’t want to get to 70 and be left wondering if only I had tried it. I agreed that we could start the process, not committed yet but we could have a look and see.

The first step was to meet with a neuropsychologist. The appointment would take about 3 hours. As it was close to the end of the year, I thought I would struggle to get an appointment, but surprisingly an opening was available for the 23rd of November. This appointment is to assess whether you are prone to depression as this can become worse after DBS surgery and that affects where the stimulators are implanted in your brain. Being quite a private person, I am not a fan of having my life pried open. The assessment involved family history and a variety of tests of cognitive ability and current mental state. Fortunately, I am quite positive, and my cognitive ability is pretty good. It went well and the assessment ended early. The report was positive regarding my mental state and that I am not depressed. So, the first hurdle was cleared. I still had in the back of my mind that as we were now heading into December things would slow down so I would have a fair amount of time to get my mind around the procedure.

So, I was quite surprised when the completed report from the Neuropsychologist was sent a week later and even more surprised when I received a call from the neurosurgeon to say he had an opening on the 21st of December – everything was just falling in to place. It was starting to seem that prayers requesting that if this was the right path that doors would be opened were being answered. The meeting with the neurosurgeon was extremely positive and my wife and I came out of that feeling encouraged and hopeful.

I still had in mind that the process would still take some time. Once again, I was to be proven wrong, when on the 7th of January the neurosurgeon issued his report recommending the DBS surgery and providing a provisional date for the procedure – 2nd March 2019. That was like one haircut away! It had become real so quickly. The required reports were sent to my medical aid for pre-authorisation. A slight delay occurred here as the medical aid was bit slow, resulting in authorisation only being granted on the 25th of February. This resulted in the neurosurgeon having to postpone the procedure as he needed the authorisation by the 22nd of February. The next available date was the 11th of May. So, I do have some time to prepare myself and not feel too rushed.

We’re doing this, I just hope they do find a brain in there 😊.

I am confident that this is the right decision. Lots of prayer has gone into this. It seems like everything is falling into place and leading me down this path, first the Ketogenic diet – something I never do (following unsubstantiated advice on the internet) but did and then the speed at which the neuropsychologists report came out and the rapid availability of the neurosurgeon for the appointment. I have also had so many people contacting me or my wife (out of the blue, with no knowledge that I am about to have the procedure done) with names of people who have had the procedure that are willing to share their experience with me. I believe this is the best time to do the procedure as my kids are going to be 18 and 21 this year and there are so many things I would love to do with them over the next few years. I am tired of always having to consider my symptoms before going out. It would be amazing to do spur of the moment activities again with my wife, my family, my friends without being concerned that I might freeze in the restaurant, cinema etc.

Final thoughts

When I tell people about the procedure, I am often told that I am strong (mentally & emotionally), but that can’t be further from the truth, reality is I am a wimp (as mentioned earlier). But I can only vouch for the truth in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through Him who strengthens me”.

I tell people I am going into the procedure with an open mind – literally. It is amusing, but I do need to remind myself to maintain balance. To be hopeful, but to also keep a tight rein on not being too expectant of a massive improvement. I would rather hope for some improvement and be surprised by a substantial improvement rather than expecting 100% and getting 50%.

So, whichever way I look at it, my journey takes a newish direction soon. It may not be a cure, but I am confident this will be the start of regaining some of my life that I have lost.

Hope springs eternal.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:19 {NIV}

“When you look at a field of dandelions you can either see a 100 weeds or a thousand wishes.” – Unknown

“Live in constant anticipation” – Bob Goff

The countdown I haven’t posted anything for a while, due in part to waiting for all the pieces to fall into place for some rather exciting news, for me at least. 1,673 more words

#Dandelions #DBS #Decision #Deep Brain Stimulation #deepbrainstimulation #faith #Hope #lifewithpd #Parkinson&039;s Disease #Parkinsons

1 note · View note

btshogwartsauheadcanons · 7 years ago

Text

The Chaos Next Door (pt. 2)

Pairings: Gamer!Taehyung x Pianist!Yoongi

Summary:

What happens when a famous Gamer/Youtuber moves into the apartment in front of a nationally-renowned genius pianist?

A. Lots of bickering and name-calling B. Self-discovery (the kind that only happens in fanfictions) C. The two fall in love D. All of the above

Whatever it is, it’s pure, utter, chaos.

Ratings: Fluff, slight Angst, Slow Burn

Featuring: Matchmaker Kim Seokjin, Namjoon as the Barbecue Destroyer, Hoseok being the Most Caring Boi, potential JiKook (and some betting), and much more Taegi

Word Count: 10.7k

A/N: Finally here’s the second chapter! Sorry this took so long I kind of got busy and there were quite a few scenes here that were difficult for me to write. I originally planned having a few members in the fic but now all seven of them are involved somehow :/.

Part 2 of 3.

(read part 1)

“I can’t believe you live next door to V Gamer, the Youtuber who I’ve been following and loving ever since he released his first video, and Closet Gamer, another Youtuber I’ve been following and loving, and you didn’t even think of telling me!” Seokjin ranted by way of greeting when he and Hoseok went over to visit Yoongi.

“I did think about telling you, I just thought it would be funny not to,” Yoongi shrugged and grinned, before reaching for the plastic bag full of food that Seokjin brought along.

“No!” Seokjin yanked the bag away, making Yoongi pout. “You don’t deserve any of the special Kim Seokjin soybean paste stew!”

“Come on, just let it go,” Hoseok grinned and thumped Seokjin on the back.

“Don’t think you’re out of this either!” Seokjin huffed.

“Yoongi-hyung probably didn’t tell you about it since he kind of hated Taehyung at first,” Hoseok nudged Yoongi. “By the way, why don’t you tell us about your night?”

“What night?” Seokjin asked.

“We got stuck in a maintenance closet,” Yoongi explained. “And I guess we had time to talk things out while we were there because we finally managed to fix the whole dilemma of having noise-related jobs.” Then, as if on cue, Taehyung’s yelling came bursting through the door.

“GOT IT! TIME TO JUMPSTART THE GENERATOR EVERYONE, AND HOPEFULLY NOT DIE ALONG THE WAY!” It was his time now to game since it was noontime. Taehyung offered to keep his DIY soundproofing up during this time but Yoongi told him not to worry about it during the day. Partly because he wasn’t sleeping, and partly because he was pretty much used to his voice at that point. Or maybe because he kind of liked it already.

“Is that… him?” Seokjin pointed at the door with wide eyes.

“That’s the door,” Yoongi said sarcastically. Hoseok burst out laughing.

“I can’t believe it… one of my favorite Youtubers… just two doors in front of me…” Seokjin reached a hand towards the door longingly.

“Hey! I thought Jimin was your favorite Youtuber,” Hoseok pointed out.

“Shut up, you know I can’t dance nor can I follow Jimin’s dance steps or covers,” Seokjin waved him off.

“Well, now that you’ve finished fanboying over my neighbor, can we please eat lunch?” Yoongi asked, reaching again for the bag in Seokjin’s hands.

“I guess you’re forgiven since we have great ambience here,” Seokjin gave the bag to him.

“Weirdo,” Yoongi rolled his eyes but accepted the food gratefully. He only knew how to cook simple meals by himself, ramyeon and egg being his most common menu item. He took advantage of the opportunity to eat Seokjin’s delicious home cooking whenever he could.

A few minutes later, Seokjin’s soybean paste stew along with some other side dishes, courtesy of Hoseok, and cooked rice, courtesy of Yoongi, were laid out on the table. It had been two weeks since Yoongi last saw Hoseok, even longer since he last saw Seokjin. The two of them knew how close Yoongi’s next piano competition was going to be so they gave him some space to work. Of course, Yoongi was grateful for their consideration but he still couldn’t help but feel lonely.

However, he did find himself feeling a little less lonely now that Kim Taehyung was around. Most of the time the two of them were holed up in their respective apartments but they did have their little interactions when they bumped into the convenience store nearby or when they picked up their mail downstairs. Now that they weren’t annoying each other, it was very rare that they knocked on each other’s doors now.

But speak of the devil.

“Do you think that’s him?,” Hoseok said when the sound of knocking interrupted their conversation. Now that Yoongi noticed, he wasn’t hearing any of Taehyung’s shouting so there was a strong chance it was Taehyung.

“Oh my god!” Seokjin stood up. “He’s here! Should I change into my cool jacket?”

“What are you, going on a date?” Hoseok laughed as he watched his hyung panic.

“Just sit tight and don’t do anything weird,” Yoongi ordered Seokjin and walked to the door to answer it. Standing outside was Taehyung wearing what appeared to be purple, striped pajamas. He seemed to have a thing for the color purple.

“Ah, Yoongi! Just the person I wanted to see,” Taehyung grinned.

“Yeah, you literally knocked on my door…” Yoongi said.

“Sorry, was I interrupting anything?” Taehyung asked.

“Not really,” Yoongi shrugged. “I was eating lunch with my friends.”

“Wow, you have friends?” Taehyung teased. Yoongi rolled his eyes but smiled at the joke nonetheless. He beckoned Hoseok and a still-nervous Seokjin to come to the door.

“This is Hoseok, you guys met before,” Yoongi said.

“Nice to see you again!” Hoseok grinned. “Thanks for taking care of this guy and not murdering him in the maintenance closet.”

“I think I should be thanking him,” Taehyung smiled at Yoongi.

“And this is Seokjin-hyung,” he continued, gesturing at Seokjin who looked like he was about to faint. “He’s a big fan of yours, as you can see.”

“Ah, Yoongi told me a lot about you,” Taehyung nodded at him. “Thanks a lot for watching my videos.”

“It’s amazing to see you in real life!” Seokjin grinned widely. “I’ve watched all of your videos! Including that livestream when you disappeared.”

“I think that one’s my favorite,” Yoongi muttered. Taehyung glanced at him and another smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Thanks again for watching. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you and everyone else,” he bowed slightly but sincerely. “Also, I really wish I could’ve changed into something other than pajamas if I knew I was meeting a subscriber today.”

“Seokjin-hyung doesn’t mind,” Hoseok said, still chuckling at Seokjin’s giddy reactions towards Kim Taehyung.

“I don’t mind,” Seokjin shook his head quickly.

“He wouldn’t mind if you run him over,” Yoongi shrugged.

“Well, I came here to invite you to my housewarming party,” Taehyung said. “I know it’s like a few weeks late but that’s kind of how long it took for me to fully unpack my belongings. I invited Jungkook and Namjoon-hyung to come and I was hoping you could make it too.”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Yoongi looked at the distance between their two apartments. “Looks like a bit of a stretch to me.”

“Is he always like this?” Taehyung sighed and looked at Hoseok and Seokjin. The two nodded quickly.

“I’ll see if I can,” Yoongi nodded.

“Oh, you guys are invited to if you can make it,” Taehyung said to Yoongi’s friends.

“R-really?” Seokjin stammered.

“I’ve always wanted to meet a fellow subscriber,” Taehyung said sincerely. “As long as you don’t disclose the location of my apartment to anyone, you’re free to come. Also, Jungkook’s a big fan of your channel, Hoseok.”

“Th-thanks,” Hoseok blushed and smiled from the appreciation.

“He just didn’t say so when he first saw you. Kookie’s a bit shy,” Taehyung added. “He also loves your fellow dancer’s channel, Park Jimin right?”

“That’s him!” Hoseok nodded. “Want me to bring him along too?”

“Sounds great,” Taehyung said. “Let’s give Jungkook the shock of his life!”

“I think we’re getting the shock of our lives,” Seokjin laughed.

“It’s this Friday, by the way,” Taehyung added. “I hope to see you all there.” Yoongi made a mental note about it. He knew he still had to practice on that day but maybe stopping by for an hour or two wouldn’t hurt. ‘Maybe I can cook something too. Something that isn’t instant noodles, I guess,’ he thought.

“See you there!” Taehyung grinned and waved before going back to his apartment.

“Yah, who would have thought I’d be invited to by favorite Youtuber’s party,” Seokjin sighed and placed a hand on his chest. “My heart feels like it’s going to burst.”

“Wow, never would have guessed,” Yoongi snickered and sat back down at the table to resume eating his lunch.

“Seriously, it’s so frustrating that my non-gamer best friend is Gamer V’s neighbor,” Seokjin pouted. “Hey, Yoongi! Want to—”

“Nope,” Yoongi cut him off before he could fully say his request.

“Come on!” Seokjin groaned.

“He’s gotten used to Taehyung already,” Hoseok grinned at his hyung. “I guess he isn’t that much of a nuisance anymore, right hyung?”

“He can still get annoying,” Yoongi looked down at his food. “It’s just that it’s going to be hard moving my piano again.”

“Yoongi’s such a tsundere,” Seokjin shook his head and resumed eating.

“Am not!” Yoongi protested.

“He is,” Hoseok nodded at Seokjin as if he hadn’t heard anything.

“Why do I even invite you over to my house?” Yoongi sighed.

“Because I make better food,” Seokjin chuckled and high-fived Hoseok. Yoongi scowled but finished the rest of his stew anyway and got seconds. Seokjin did make better food than he did.

…

For some reason, Yoongi found that Taehyung’s invitation to his housewarming party made the week seem even longer. Not even the hardest piano exercises and endless repetition could keep him thinking about what to bring to the party. He expected Seokjin to be the one who was restless but he hardly even called Yoongi to rant about how excited he was.

That meant Yoongi was left alone to fret over this simple housewarming party. And Alexa, of course. After all, there was no one better suited for helping Yoongi search for cooking recipes.

“Chicken pieces, potato starch, gochujang, sesame oil,” Yoongi read out his shopping list to himself as he climbed up the steps to his apartment carrying a bag of groceries. He had a tendency to check and double-check things, especially shopping lists, to make sure he got everything right. As soon as he got to his floor he spotted Taehyung standing in front of his apartment, still wearing his pajamas, checking his mail.

“Morning, Taehyung,” Yoongi greeted. His neighbor looked up at him and smiled sleepily.

“Hey…” he said faintly in a hoarse, raspy voice.

“What happened to you?” Yoongi frowned and pressed the back of his hand against Taehyung’s forehead. “Are you sick?”

“I kind of… exerted my voice,” Taehyung chuckled and gently removed Yoongi’s hand. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”

“You must have been yelling a lot,” Yoongi remarked.

“It was a 5-hour livestream,” Taehyung explained. “But it’s for charity so it’s worth it.”

“Well, you better rest up then,” Yoongi stepped back towards his house. “Drink some tea or something.”

“Will do,” Taehyung saluted. “Oh, do you need help with the groceries?”

“No, no, I got it,” Yoongi hastily shook his head. “I’ll see you later, okay?” Taehyung cleared his throat, attempting to choke out a reply, before changing his mind and waving before Yoongi entered his apartment. Once inside, he carried his bag of groceries to the kitchen and laid out all the ingredients on the table.

“Alexa, read out recipe for spicy fried chicken,” he said out loud. Alexa beeped.

“Reading: spicy fried chicken recipe. First, wash chicken and marinate with salt, pepper, soy sauce, pepper paste, and sesame oil…”

About half an hour later, Yoongi really wished he had paid attention to Seokjin’s cooking lessons. But then again, he never really imagined himself in a situation wherein he was stressed out trying to cook for his neighbor’s housewarming party. ‘I should have just ordered some from a nearby restaurant,’ he thought as he carefully dropped a few more pieces of chicken in the frying pan.

“Ah—AHHH!” he yelled as the hot oil crackled and splattered on his hand when he dropped the chicken in. Yoongi bit his lip and shook his hand to numb the pain a bit. Why did cooking have to be so hard? He ran a hand through his hair and surveyed the mess in the kitchen that he had to clean up soon before his eyes landed on the plate of hot fried chicken. Yoongi already tried a piece beforehand and, to his surprise, found that it did taste quite good.

“Hopefully they’ll enjoy it,” he said to himself and carefully turned the chicken pieces in the pan using a pair of tongs. An image of Taehyung’s boxy grin floated up in his mind and Yoongi cried out again in surprise when the hot oil crackled again.

“Ahh! They better enjoy this!” he yelled frustratedly and backed away from the pan.

…

“You invited who?!” Jungkook exclaimed as soon as he heard the news from Taehyung.

“Jung Hoseok and Park Jimin,” Taehyung said, or rather, rasped, nonchalantly as he hung up some colorful streamers that Jungkook brought over for the party. “They were Yoongi’s friends so I thought why not invite them? You know how friendly I am around people.”

“Aish, I can tell you have a different motive for this,” Jungkook said irritably. Taehyung bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. Jungkook may be complaining at the moment, but later on he’ll be grateful to Taehyung for bringing in his favorite Youtubers. “You could have told me sooner so I would have worn something cooler.”

“Like another white t-shirt?” Taehyung raised an eyebrow at him. “How unique.”

“Shut up,” Jungkook threw a plastic cup at him which Taehyung dodged.

“You can wear my clothes if you want,” he offered. “I think I have a jacket somewhere there.”

“Thanks,” Jungkook nodded and headed to Taehyung’s room. Taehyung finished fixing the last of the streamers and fixed the plastic cups over by the drinks table. The chips and dip were ready on the coffee table and the pizza that Jungkook ordered was on the kitchen counter as well. Apart from his sore throat, Taehyung knew that everything was going to go well this evening.

“Does this look okay?” Jungkook asked, emerging from his bedroom with a black, denim jacket thrown over his plain, white t-shirt.

“You could use a tie,” Taehyung joked.

“Yeah, maybe a top hat while we’re at it,” Jungkook added. The sound of knocking on the door caught their attention.

‘Might be Yoongi,’ Taehyung thought as he walked to answer it. After all, he lived the closest. Instead, he saw his old friend, Kim Namjoon, standing in front of his apartment. Seeing him didn’t stop Taehyung from breaking into a wide smile and hugging his friend.

“Ah, hyung!”

“Nice to see you too man,” Namjoon grinned and hugged him back. “Congratulations on your new apartment.”

“Thanks! Come in!” Taehyung ushered his friend in.

“What happened to your voice?”

“I had a five-hour livestream,” Taehyung explained. “But it’s getting better.”

Jungkook-ah! You’re here early,” Namjoon greeted and hugged Jungkook as well.

“Someone had to come and help Taehyung with setting up,” he replied.

“Hey, my apartment’s not that messy,” Taehyung pouted.

“Yet,” Namjoon and Jungkook chorused.

“Anyway, I brought some meat that we can grill,” Namjoon added, holding up a grocery bag. “There are some hotdogs there too.”

“Ah, hyung’s really generous today,” Taehyung grinned and took the bag from him just when he heard another knock on the door. “I’ll get that. Can you start grilling these in the kitchen?”

“Got it,” Namjoon nodded and took the shopping bag back. Taehyung opened the door to find Seokjin, one of Yoongi’s friends, holding a huge cloth bag.

“Hello!” he greeted. “Am I too early?”

“Not at all,” Taehyung cleared his throat and shook his head.

“Let me guess, that’s from the five-hour livestream last night.”

“Yup,” Taehyung sighed and invited Seokjin in. “Nice sweater, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Seokjin grinned and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Jungkook.

“You must be one of Yoongi’s friends,” Jungkook said and waved hello politely. Taehyung could easily tell how awkward he felt being around a subscriber. He knew that the ones Jungkook met would often crowd his personal space, something that he didn’t like, which was why he was a bit hesitant around them. But based on his first meeting with Seokjin, he could tell that even though he was a big fan, he wasn’t someone who would do that.

“Wow, this is probably the climactic moment in all my twenty-seven years of being alive,” Seokjin sighed and dramatically placed a hand on his chest.

“Where’s Yoongi?” Taehyung rasped, looking around.

“He said he’s still cleaning up the kitchen,” Seokjin said. “He cooked something apparently and so did I!” he said while lifting the bag he was carrying onto the table and removing containers of food. Jungkook watched him with wide eyes.

“Wow, you made all of that?” Taehyung exclaimed.

“It’s nothing,” Seokjin shrugged. “I work for a caterer and as a part-time food blogger,” he grinned.

“AHHHH!”

Taehyung looked up with a start to find Namjoon standing in front of a flaming gas stove. “Turn the fire down!” Seokjin yelled, running quickly to switch the dial on the stove back to a medium flame. Everyone in the apartment, including a shocked Namjoon, sighed with relief.

“I thought this was going to be a literal housewarming party,” Jungkook looked wide-eyed at Taehyung.

“Sorry, everyone,” Namjoon apologized.

“Don’t worry, the meat isn’t burnt… yet,” Seokjin announced. “I can handle the grill here.” Even though he’d been standing in front of the stove for barely a minute, Seokjin was already seasoning the meat and adjusting the heat like a real pro.

“I trust you,” Taehyung grinned. “You can ask Namjoon-hyung for help too.”

“I’ll go get plates or something,” Namjoon said sheepishly.

“Hey, Taehyung-ah,” Taehyung felt Jungkook nudge his shoulder. He turned around to find the younger boy already eating one of the lamb skewers that Seokjin brought along in one of the containers. “This tastes amazing. Thank god you invited that guy.”

“Go on and tell him that yourself,” Taehyung chuckled and reached for a lamb skewer himself when another knock on the door was heard.

“Ah, that must be Yoongi,” Seokjin said. Taehyung quickly handed his skewer to Jungkook, who accepted it gratefully, and headed to the door. He quickly checked his hair and clothes before greeting his neighbor.

“Hey!” he said, wincing slightly after hearing how his voice sounded.

“Man, your house sure was hard to find. I got lost twice,” he joked. Taehyung chuckled as he let Yoongi in. He usually saw him dressed in jeans and a hoodie or a t-shirt, kind of like Jungkook. But today, Yoongi was wearing a dark blue, long-sleeved, button-up shirt and dark jeans with a matching shoulder bag. Taehyung would usually suggest not wearing dark colors all the time to his friends but he had to admit that Yoongi’s clothes played well with his skin tone.

“I’m glad you were able to still make it despite the heavy traffic as well,” Taehyung added.

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe the traffic,” Yoongi grinned and held up a baking dish wrapped in foil. “By the way, where I can set this?”

“I’ll take it,” Jungkook offered, still chewing on a lamb skewer. Yoongi handed the dish to him and Jungkook set it down carefully on the table of food. “Wow! Spicy fried chicken!” he exclaimed after peeling off the foil.

“Wow, did Yoongi cook?” Seokjin appeared from behind the kitchen counter holding a plate of grilled meat. “He must really like you, Kim Taehyung.”

“I do know how to cook, Seokjin,” Yoongi crossed his arms.

“Ahhh, you sure cooked a lot,” Taehyung grinned when he looked at the tray full of fried chicken. “I feel so touched, Min Yoongi,” he placed a hand over his chest and smiled over at his neighbor.

“It was pretty easy, cooking it,” Yoongi shrugged and scratched his arm. Even behind his raised-up arm, Taehyung could spot a small, shy smile on his face. “You better finish everything.”

“It’s really good,” Jungkook said, chewing a mouthful of fried chicken.

“Really?” Seokjin raised an eyebrow. Jungkook nodded and offered the piece of chicken he was eating for Seokjin to take a bite. The older man chewed for a while before looking at Yoongi with wide-eyed surprise. Yoongi smirked and shrugged a shoulder.

“Well, you’re already getting friendly with him,” he remarked. “Weren’t you nervous just a while ago about meeting one of your favorite Youtubers?”

“Food brings people together,” Seokjin answered. Jungkook nodded beside him.

“When are Hoseok and Park Jimin coming?” Taehyung asked Yoongi.

“They texted me saying they’re on their way,” he answered. “Oh, before I forget…” he reached into his shoulder bag and handed Taehyung a warm thermos.

“What’s this?” he asked, curiously opening the thermos and taking a sniff.

“It’s for your throat,” Yoongi said. “Ginger tea with a little bit of honey. It always works for me when I have a sore throat.”

“Wow, thanks…” Taehyung said gratefully. He decided to take a sip of the tea to hide the giddy smile that was about to spread on his face. Yoongi was just being concerned about him, why did he have to get all hyped up about it?

“So, how is it?” Yoongi asked. The tea was pretty spicy due to the ginger and sweet because of the honey but when Taehyung swallowed, he could really feel it soothing his throat.

“It’s really spicy but with a surprising sweetness too,” Taehyung described and raised an eyebrow at Yoongi. “Kind of like someone I know.”

“An annoying old turtle?” Yoongi joked.

“An annoying old turtle,” Taehyung nodded and looked over at the rest of his friends.

“The meat is all grilled,” Namjoon announced, setting the plate of grilled pork over at the food table where Jungkook was still eating. “But not by me, thank god. Seokjin did all the work.”

“Are the slightly burnt pieces grilled by you, hyung?” Jungkook laughed.

“Yeah…” Namjoon sighed.

“Don’t feel bad,” Seokjin patted him on the shoulder. “Practice is all it takes.”

“I should learn how to cook too,” Jungkook muttered and reached for another piece of Yoongi’s fried chicken. “Instead of just making ramyeon.”

“Same here,” Namjoon agreed. “Jungkook-ah, you have some sauce on your face.”

“Where?”

“Here,” Seokjin took a paper napkin and used it to wipe the corner of Jungkook’s mouth.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jungkook nodded.

“Your friend sure gets along well with other people,” Taehyung chuckled as he watched the trio.

“He and Hoseok always were the more social ones among the three of us,” Yoongi smiled at his friend. “Seokjin was kind of like the Mom Friend in our group. And apparently it still shows around his favorite Youtuber and your other friend.” As he spoke, Seokjin was handing out more paper napkins to Namjoon and Jungkook while they were eating.

“That’s Namjoon-hyung, the friend I told you about. I think you would get along with him,” Taehyung said and took another sip of tea. He could already feel his voice getting a lot less raspy.

“More than I get along with you?” Yoongi looked up at him. Taehyung, for some reason, almost choked on his tea.

“Well, we are getting there,” Taehyung said once he recovered. To his relief, he heard someone knocking on his door again. He excused himself from Yoongi for the moment and headed to the door, all the while wondering why he had that kind of reaction earlier. But then again, he had to admit he felt a bit giddy again when Yoongi mentioned that they got along.

Taehyung exhaled, as if that could help, and opened the door.

“Hello!” Hoseok greeted with a bright smile on his face. Taehyung felt as if he was staring into the sun. Beside Hoseok was another boy, roughly around Yoongi’s height, with blonde hair and a sweet, slightly shy smile on his face.

“Not at all, you guys are just in time,” Taehyung invited them in. “You must be Park Jimin, right?” he asked the shorter boy.

“That’s me,” he nodded. “I’m a big fan of yours by the way, too.”

“He jumped to the ceiling when he heard the invite,” Hoseok chuckled and patted Jimin on the shoulder.

“Well, someone else did the same thing when I invited you guys,” Taehyung grinned cheekily and led them to the kitchen area. “Jungkook-ah! Hoseok and Jimin are here!”

“Closet Gamer Jeon Jungkook…” Jimin breathed out in awe. Jungkook turned around with his mouth still full and once his eyes landed on the new guests, started to choke on his food in surprise.

“Nice to… meet you…” he greeted in between coughs.

“A-are you okay?” Jimin rushed over to his side. “Do you need water? Seokjin-hyung, could you get some water?”

“On it,” Seokjin hurriedly fetched water.

“Get ahold of yourself Jungkookie,” Taehyung bit back a smile as he patted his friend’s back. “He’s a big fan of you and Hoseok by the way,” he told Jimin.

“U-us?” Jimin looked at Jungkook in surprise. Jungkook swallowed and hurriedly took the glass of water from Seokjin.

“Aish, he’s really shy,” Taehyung explained.

“What took you guys so long?” Yoongi asked Hoseok.

“Learning a new dance,” Hoseok replied, setting the box of cake he brought on the food table beside everything else. “It’s a bit tough to learn and Jimin kept on making mistakes.”

“So did you, hyung!” Jimin protested.

“Maybe you should replace him with me,” Seokjin joked. “I’ve got the moves and the looks too!” he winked.

“Your viewer rating will rise by eighty percent,” Yoongi joined in.

“Wow, show us a sample then, hyung,” Hoseok clapped.

“Sample? You want a sample?” Seokjin challenged. He put down the plate of food he was holding and started to dance, or rather, flail around with his arms. Everyone burst out laughing.

“Namjoon-hyung can dance too,” Jungkook laughed and pointed at Namjoon.

“Dance Monster!” Taehyung cheered and Namjoon broke into a series of half-assed breakdancing moves.

“With this, the viewer rating will rise by one hundred percent,” Yoongi laughed.

“This really is starting to feel like a party now,” Taehyung grinned as he looked at everyone.

“How about you make a toast or something?” Hoseok suggested.

“Good idea,” Taehyung nodded.

“I can start serving the drinks,” Yoongi volunteered. Minutes later, everyone was gathered around the food table with a cup of soda in their hands, except for Taehyung who opted to finish Yoongi’s tea.

“Everyone, first of all I want to thank you so much for coming over to my party,” Taehyung began. “I don’t mean to brag or anything but even though having a lot of subscribers makes me feel less lonely, it’s different from having a group of friends I can eat with. And even though I’ve only known most of you for a while, I hope we can all hang out again from time to time.

“So, here’s to old friends, new friends, and less annoying neighbors,” Taehyung raised his thermos and glanced at Yoongi from the side. Yoongi smiled and shook his head but raised his cup anyway.

“Cheers!” everyone toasted.

Taehyung expected his party to be a bit awkward from the start, especially considering how shy Jungkook might be around his favorite Youtubers. But in the contrary, everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun and engaging in conversations left and right. Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi were talking about their favorite music while Seokjin, Jimin, and Jungkook were busy playing one of Taehyung’s board games. The last time he had this much fun was with a group of friends during college. But unfortunately, he lost touch with most of them except for Namjoon-hyung and Jungkook. Maybe this time, he had a chance to start over again with a new group of friends.

“Man, this fried chicken really is good,” Taehyung smacked his lips as he finished another piece.

“Right?” Seokjin said. “He must have really worked hard on this.”

“Earlier he said it wasn’t such a big deal though,” Taehyung wondered aloud.

“He has a thing for downplaying his gestures of kindness,” Seokjin waved him off. “But that guy is really sweet.”

“Really?”

“Yup,” Jimin spoke up. “I haven’t known him for as long as Hoseok-hyung and Seokjin-hyung but he’s been really kind to me. Once, he went with me and Hoseok-hyung to our audition at a talent show. I didn’t pass and Yoongi-hyung found me crying outside the room. We only knew each other through Hoseok-hyung at that time but he invited me out to lunch.”

“That sounds like something he’d do,” Seokjin smiled to himself.

“I know he doesn’t have much experience with failure,” Jimin continued. “But he sure knew what to say to me back then.”

“Is that so?” Taehyung looked around to find Yoongi deep in conversation with Namjoon and Hoseok.

“Yoongi-ah doesn’t show emotion much but he is a pretty sensitive guy,” Seokjin added. Taehyung remembered the conversation the two of them had back at the maintenance closet. It sure felt like Yoongi was opening up to him about things, but at the same time, Taehyung wondered what else he still kept inside.

What struck him the most was Yoongi’s story, the one that wasn’t included in the short online biographies about him. Taehyung knew what it was like to have people judge his dreams and goals in life, but here was now making them come true with ever video he released. But Yoongi, he was still stuck in a position his parents forced him into.

It wasn’t any of Taehyung’s business exactly, but he couldn’t help but want to step in.

“I’m getting more food,” Seokjin said, picking up his plate. “You should eat more too, Jimin.”

“Oh, let me get some,” Taehyung offered. “You guys just sit tight.”

“Can you get some for me too?” Jungkook asked.

“Alright, alright,” Taehyung nodded and walked over to the food table. Even though everyone brought quite a lot of food, almost all of it was finished. Hoseok and Jimin were especially hungry from dance practice and Jungkook probably finished half of the lamb skewers. And of course, everyone seemed to love Yoongi’s fried chicken. Taehyung piled some of that on a plate for the others.

“Someone’s eating for two.” He didn’t even have to turn his head to know that Yoongi was standing beside him.

“Four, actually,” Taehyung said, gesturing over at the coffee table where Seokjin, Jimin, and Jungkook were still playing the board game. “But then, their appetite probably accounts for eight people.”

“That must be why Seokjin-hyung brought so much food.”

“So, how’s practice going?” Taehyung asked. “Your competition is next week, right?”

“Yeah,” Yoongi nodded.

“You’ve pretty much got it in the bag,” Taehyung chuckled. “Your playing is perfect.”

“We’ll see about it,” Yoongi shrugged. “Do you… want to come watch?” Taehyung blinked in surprise at the invitation.

“Y-you don’t have to, of course,” Yoongi stammered. “I mean, you might be busy and the competition is a bit boring and—”

“I’d love to come watch!” Taehyung said hurriedly. “I’ve never been to one before.”

“Great,” Yoongi smiled. “We can get something to eat after.”

“How about a movie?” Taehyung offered.

“If it has something with animals in it, it’s a no for me,” Yoongi looked at him seriously.

“Very funny,” Taehyung rolled his eyes.

“I wonder what your subscribers would think if they found out about your dark secret.”

“You really are an annoying old turtle,” Taehyung sighed and shook his head while Yoongi laughed. Taehyung felt that weird giddy smile making another appearance on his face. No matter how annoying Yoongi was, he’d probably make five hundred furry jokes about himself just to see him laugh.

“Taehyung-ah! The food!” Jungkook whined.

“Aish, it’s coming,” Taehyung called back., slightly that annoyed that his conversation was interrupted. Suddenly, he heard a phone ringing and Yoongi reached into his pocket to pull his phone out. After glancing at the caller ID once, Yoongi frowned and put down his drink.

“Sorry, I got to take this,” he apologized.

“Sure,” Taehyung nodded and watched him excuse himself out of the apartment to take the call. He was curious as to who could be calling Yoongi and why he looked so uncomfortable and considered maybe eavesdropping from the door when the rest of his friends called him over to eat again.

…

“Hello?”

“Yoongi, how have you been?” his mother answered.

“I’m okay,” he mumbled and picked at his shoelaces while he was crouching down outside by the wall.

“Have you been practicing for the upcoming competition?”

“What else would I do?” Yoongi sighed as he felt himself getting increasingly uncomfortable as the conversation passed. His mother rarely called him, a good thing really, since Yoongi found himself having difficulty listening to her voice and the underlying tones of pity and sometimes hostility.

“You’re right,” she said. “You have learned your lesson after all. You’re good at quickly picking up on things.”

Yoongi fell silent. ‘And you know how to hit the right nerves,’ he thought. Of course she would bring up that gala, the only time Yoongi didn’t hear applause after playing. His parents sat in the front row on that day, it made it easier for Yoongi to see the looks on their faces.

“If you called me for a reason please say it straightforwardly,” Yoongi said through gritted teeth.

“Alright. I’ll be coming to watch your competition,” his mother finally said. “I’d like to know if you still play perfectly after all these years.”

“I can send you the medal when I’m done,” Yoongi said, disregarding how harsh his tone sounded. “There’s no need for you to come.” No way was he going to allow his mother to meet Taehyung or ruin their plans for that night.

“Don’t disappoint me,” was all she said. Yoongi resisted the urge to throw his phone. “And Yoongi…”

“What?”

“Don’t forget, this is the life you chose for yourself.” And with that, she hung up.

“You don’t have to remind me,” Yoongi whispered and put down his phone. He had already chosen the music life ever since he persisted playing piano and joining competitions. All the fame and praise got to his head and Yoongi found himself dreaming further. It wasn’t unlike that story about Icarus, the boy with wings who wanted to fly even higher. And like him, Yoongi found himself falling instead of flying further the moment the piece he worked weeks on composing was met with disappointment.

It was better for his wings to remain clipped and tied to the ground. After all, he could only go so far with music.

From where he was outside, Yoongi could still hear his friends having fun in Taehyung’s party. During his years in the conservatory, Yoongi often skipped out on parties and hanging out with his friends. He was extremely lucky that his friends were understanding about it. For once, he even thought he could actually enjoy himself in a party. But even with those things, Yoongi could only go so far.

He stood up, hesitating a bit before Taehyung’s door, before turning around and going back into his own apartment.

…

“Hey, where did Yoongi go?” Hoseok asked, sitting next to Taehyung on the couch.

“He said that he needed to take a call,” Taehyung replied and gestured at the door. “He’s outside but he’s been gone for some time too.”

“I see,” Hoseok pulled his phone out and texted a quick message.

to: yoongi-hyung (forever brother)

>>> hey are you okay? you’ve been away for a long time

A reply came just a few seconds after.

from: yoongi-hyung (forever brother)

>>> mom called

>>> i’m practicing. haven’t done it all day

Hoseok cursed under his breath when he saw the message. Taehyung looked over at him.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yoongi-hyung said that he’s going to practice now,” Hoseok said and put his phone away. “I guess he felt nervous about it since he hadn’t practiced all day.”

“What’s there for him to be worried about? He’s a genius,” Taehyung frowned.

“Taehyung, has Yoongi-hyung told you anything about his life?” Hoseok asked. At the sound of his serious tone, Taehyung looked attentively at him.

“Yeah, he told me about the gala and his parents and why he joins a bunch of competitions,” he said.

“Wow, that’s quite a lot,” Hoseok smiled slightly. “He seems to trust you pretty well.”

“I was hoping that he’d trust me more…” Taehyung muttered. “I… I see him as a friend too.”

“You’re a good guy Taehyung,” Hoseok patted his shoulder. “I’ve been friends with Yoongi-hyung since we were in middle school so I kind of saw everything that happened. He looked so happy when he was composing his piece for the gala but then afterwards… he just wasn’t the same.”

“I can imagine,” Taehyung nodded.

“He may be a grown man but I still worry about him,” Hoseok admitted. “Music used to make him smile but now he’s just overworking himself learning pieces again and again. I know he’s talented enough to do what he loves but what happened in the gala really crushed him.

“I’ve really tried to get him back to what he wanted to do then, but Yoongi-hyung just doesn’t seem to be up for it again,” he finished.

“I don’t think he’s given up on them for good though,” Taehyung said. “When he was talking about his past, I could still tell that he longs for what he let go before. I guess Yoongi could just use a little help.”

“And I haven’t given up hope on him yet,” Hoseok smiled. “Maybe knowing someone like you will change things. But at the moment, I’m not really asking for much, do you mind checking on him from time to time for me?”

“What do you mean?” Taehyung cocked his head.

“Yoongi-hyung has a tendency to forget to eat or take care of himself whenever he’s immersed in his practice, that usually happens before a competition,” Hoseok confessed. “A month ago, he didn’t respond to my texts so I broke into his house and found him passed out from near hunger in front of the piano.”

“I-I won’t let that happen then,” Taehyung said determinedly.

“Thanks Taehyung,” Hoseok grinned. “Also, in case you do need to break into his house, he keeps a key under the mat in front of his door.”

“Got it,” Taehyung nodded.

“Thanks for inviting him and all of us here, by the way,” Hoseok added. “Yoongi-hyung wouldn’t go to parties back when he was studying at the conservatory. I bet he really enjoyed himself.”

“And we sure enjoyed his fried chicken,” Taehyung grinned.

“He must have been really excited,” Hoseok nodded. “So was Jimin when he got invite.” He looked over at Jimin who, despite his nervousness earlier, was deep in conversation with none other than Jeon Jungkook.

“Hey, wanna make a bet?” Taehyung nudged Hoseok.

“What are we betting on?”

“Those two,” Taehyung pointed at Jimin and Jungkook. “I bet they’ll be together by the end of the month.”

“Really?” Hoseok grinned. “Alright, my bet is two months.”

“Hey, can I join in?” Seokjin whispered, leaning over the couch behind them.

“Sure,” Taehyung smiled up at him. “My bet is one month. Hoseok is two.”

“Reallly?” Seokjin shook his head. “Okay, mine is two weeks.”

“Hey, isn’t that pretty quick?” Hoseok frowned.

“Two weeks, guaranteed,” Seokjin nodded.

“Alright, what are the stakes?” Taehyung asked.

“How about, losers have to appear in either one of your channels and do whatever the winner says on-screen,” Seokjin suggested. The other two nodded at the idea.

“I’ll make you guys play the scariest horror game I know,” Taehyung grinned devilishly and rubbed his hands together.

“What are you going to be if you win?” Hoseok asked. “That’s a big ‘if’ by the way.”

“If I win…” Seokjin mulled the thought over. “I get to make a food trip vlog and post it on your channels.”

“That doesn’t sound like that bad of a punishment,” Taehyung frowned.

“But, I get to choose your outfits,” Seokjin grinned.

“There’s the punishment,” Hoseok nodded.

“Deal?” Seokjin raised his hands at the two of them.

“Deal.” The three of them shook hands.

…

“Thanks again for coming!” Taehyung bowed appreciatively at Hoseok and Jimin as they packed up to leave.

“Are you sure you guys don’t need help cleaning up?” Jimin asked.

“It’s okay,” Jungkook waved him off. “You guys live pretty far.”

“Thanks again for inviting us,” Hoseok smiled. “Let’s hang out at my place next time, alright?”

“I’ll look forward to it,” Taehyung grinned.

“Ah, Jimin! You got my number, right?” Jungkook called after them.

“Yeah!” Jimin smiled back. “I’ll text you.” Taehyung glanced at Hoseok and Seokjin who smirked and held up two fingers. ‘Damn, he’s good,’ Taehyung thought.

“Safe trip!” Namjoon waved as Hoseok and Jimin left. Seokjin packed the last of his empty food containers into a bag and walked over to Taehyung.

“I have some pink onesies that I think would fit perfectly on you,” he whispered.

“Whatever, I’ll still win,” Taehyung shook his head.

“Anyway, I’ll be off now,” Seokjin said.

“Are you headed to the bus station?” Namjoon asked.

“Yeah, want to go together?” Seokjin offered.

“Sure,” Namjoon nodded. He finished off his sweeping and put the broom back in the kitchen before joining Seokjin. “See you Taehyung,” he added, hugging his friend again.

“Thanks for coming!” Taehyung smiled. Jungkook waved goodbye and the two finally left. “Well, that was fun.”

“And tiring,” Jungkook sighed and sat down on the couch. He decided to sleep over since he didn’t feel like going all the way home that night. And because there were still some leftover lamb skewers.

“It’s too bad Yoongi couldn’t stay for the whole thing,” Taehyung pouted. Almost as soon as he heard that Yoongi left, all he could hear from the other apartment was the sound of piano playing. It was going on until now.

“His fried chicken was delicious,” Jungkook nodded.

“I was wrong about him,” Taehyung said. “I really thought he was nothing but an annoying old turtle but he really is a kind person. I think he was cooking that fried chicken for the entire afternoon since he wasn’t practicing. He even brought me tea for my throat.”

“Hmmm… someone seems whipped,” Jungkook murmured. Taehyung felt his face heat up.

“N-no way! I just met the guy,” he stammered. Jungkook raised an eyebrow at him.

“You have that look on your face again.”

It was true. Taehyung could feel the giddy smile spreading on his face again. All he needed to do was laugh nervously for Jungkook to finally confirm his ‘Whipped Boy’ theory.

“It’s not that,” Taehyung groaned. “I just feel this way because I’m surprised that he’s a nice guy! That’s all.”

“Right,” Jungkook nodded, unconvinced.

“Well, what about you and Jimin then?” Taehyung pointed out. The tips of Jungkook’s ears turned pink and Taehyung knew he hit the right nerve. “You guys seemed to enjoy talking.”

“H-hey, I told you to throw the trash earlier, why haven’t you done it?” Jungkook dodged the question and dumped the bag of trash by the couch in front of Taehyung. “Go on and do it already!”

“Why, I’m the one who lives here?” Taehyung groaned.

“That’s exactly why,” Jungkook wrestled him off the couch. “Come on, man of the house.”

“Fine,” Taehyung stood up and dragged the bag of trash with him. “But if you guys do plan on dating, can you do so a month from now?”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Taehyung shook his head and hurried out with the trash. Once outside, the sound of piano playing was even louder. ‘He usually stops at around this time,’ Taehyung wondered as he walked towards Yoongi’s apartment. The two of them agreed that they would knock on each other’s door if either of them didn’t follow the schedule that Yoongi made but at the moment, Taehyung figured that he’d step back.

He stood right in front of Yoongi’s apartment and gently pressed his forehead against the door. What Hoseok said earlier echoed in his mind with the sound of Yoongi’s piano playing. ‘I haven’t given up hope on him yet. Maybe knowing someone like you will change things.’ It probably wasn’t just Hoseok who was worried about him but Seokjin and maybe even Jimin as well. And now, so was Taehyung.

“I hope you find your way back, Min Yoongi,” he whispered.

…

“Alexa, what time is it?” Yoongi yawned and rubbed his eyes as soon as he woke up.

“7:30 a.m.,” she beeped. “Reminder set for eating breakfast at 8:30 a.m.”

“Thanks Alexa,” Yoongi mumbled and got out of bed. His hands ached from playing piano all night so Yoongi stretched them gently. The competition was tomorrow and he decided to practice for only two hours and spend the rest of the day resting his hands. Despite that, Yoongi knew that resting would be the hardest part of the day since it often drove him crazy not being able to practice.

“But first, breakfast,” he told himself. As soon as he reached the kitchen, however, there was barely anything in the pantry or the refrigerator. The last time he bought groceries was when he was buying fried chicken ingredients. Of course, he didn’t think about buying actual food for the rest of the week.

Annoyed by the extra chore, Yoongi went back to his room and changed into some jeans and a hoodie. He took his keys and wallet as well and headed out of his apartment. Thankfully, the grocery was just a few blocks away across the park so Yoongi didn’t have to walk for such a long time. But during his short journey, he took his time to enjoy the sights of a city that’s just about to wake up. In the park, there were only a few people walking their dogs as well as a few old ladies doing what appeared to be yoga right in front of the fountain. Even though Yoongi loved sleeping in and hated getting up early in the morning, he’d admit that walking in the park was more enjoyable at around this time.

In the grocery, he made his rounds and went directly to the aisles he often visited. Yoongi really didn’t opt to make extravagant or complicated meals like Seokjin did so he settled for buying a few simple ingredients. But as soon as he passed by the meat section, he thought about the fried chicken he made for Taehyung’s party and how good it apparently was. It was a pain to make, but he could get used to it. With that thought, Yoongi added a pack of chicken to his shopping basket.

“Are you planning to make it again?”

Yoongi looked up at the owner of the voice and smiled to find Kim Taehyung standing next to him in the aisle. Even though his head and face were covered by his jacket hood and face mask, Yoongi could still it was him. Primarily because he was almost a whole head taller than him.

“Yeah, after all this competition craziness is over and I have more time,” Yoongi said. He looked at Taehyung’s shopping basket and found a huge assortment of energy drinks and candy in it. “You do know that those things are going to make your voice worse.”

“Yeah but I have an awesome neighbor who makes awesome tea,” Taehyung pulled down his mask slightly and smiled at him. Yoongi felt the corner of his mouth turn up slightly at the sight of that smile.

“But this awesome neighbor isn’t going to help you out when you get a toothache or diabetes,” Yoongi pointed. “Geez, and I thought I had bad eating habits. Can you put at least one vegetable in there or something?”

“Do potatoes count as vegetables?” Taehyung joked. Yoongi smacked his arm making Taehyung laugh. “Alright, alright I’ll get some vegetables or something. Wait for me, okay?”

“No, I’m going ahead,” Yoongi walked off but waited nonetheless for his neighbor at an aisle near the counter. Taehyung caught up to him a few minutes later and after Yoongi checked the contents of his shopping basket to make sure he had enough healthy food, and a little less snacks, they finally headed for the checkout counter and walked back home.

While walking, Yoongi found himself enjoying the morning even more, even though he usually was asleep at around this time. Earlier, he felt as if this today was going to be filled with restlessness and anxiety about the competition the next day. Somehow, finding Taehyung in the grocery store and walking home made it better. Yoongi looked at Taehyung walking beside him and wondered how this tall, lanky guy made his day just a bit brighter.

“So, what time is your competition?” Taehyung asked. The two of them were walking through the park carrying their own shopping bags with them. Taehyung offered to carry Yoongi’s but he insisted on bringing it himself.

“It’s at five pm and it should be done by six-thirty,” Yoongi answered. “We can leave at four.”

“Alright,” Taehyung nodded. Yoongi looked around and found a few middle-schoolers wearing baseball uniforms getting ready for a practice game. “Did you play before?” Taehyung asked, looking over at him.

“No,” Yoongi shook his head. “Hoseok did. I played basketball for a bit but my mother made me stop in case I sprained my wrist or a broke a finger.”

“I see,” Taehyung nodded. “I played basketball too.”

“The actual kind or the one in video games?” Yoongi smirked.

“The actual one,” Taehyung nudged him. “I wasn’t that unhealthy. I bet I could beat you.”

“Yeah right,” Yoongi rolled his eyes. “I bet I could beat you with one hand behind my back,” he challenged.

“Oh yeah? I bet I could beat you with one foot tied behind my back!”

“How does that even work?” Yoongi laughed. “Speaking of feet, your shoelaces are untied,” he pointed down at Taehyung’s feet.

“Aw, damn, I forgot to double-knot them,” Taehyung sighed. “Give me a second.” He put down his shopping bag near Yoongi’s feet and crouched down beside a nearby bench to tie his shoelaces. While waiting, Yoongi turned around to watch the middle school baseball players. He was just in time to watch the pitcher pitch a fast ball and the batter to hit it back. But instead of the baseball curving upwards, it flew quickly in their direction. Rather, in Taehyung’s direction.

And it was closing in quickly.

“Look out!” Yoongi yelled and ran after him. Taehyung looked up in surprise at the speeding baseball but remained frozen on the spot. Yoongi quickly closed the distance and raised a hand in an attempt to catch the ball.

But instead, it hit him squarely on the tips of his fingers. Yoongi couldn’t tell if he could really hear them snap when the ball hit but he felt the jolt of pain as soon as the ball hit. He looked down at Taehyung to find him in shock but thankfully unharmed.

“Yoongi…” Taehyung stood up. “You’re hand.” That’s when the pain really sank in and Yoongi finally realized that his right hand was trembling. He was too scared to even look at it.

“I-it’s fine. I can… I can still play…” he stammered.

“No! Your fingers,” Taehyung reached down for his hand. That’s when Yoongi finally forced himself to check. He found that his middle and pointer finger were almost bent back and the rest of his hand was bright red and swelling from the impact. ‘So that’s why I couldn’t feel anything in those two fingers…’ Yoongi thought as he bit his lip to keep from crying out in pain. For some reason, looking at it made it feel even worse.

“We need to get you a hospital, okay?” Taehyung said gently, looking him in the eye. “Don’t think about piano practice for now. We need to get your hand treated.”

“Alright,” Yoongi gasped and inhaled deep breaths to focus on something other than the pain. This kind of accident was the main reason why his mother stopped him from playing sports or learning how to cook to protect his fingers. His piano playing fingers.

And just like that, his happy morning ended.

…

“How long is it going to take for it to heal, doctor?” Taehyung asked. He and Yoongi took the bus to the nearby hospital. There, Yoongi’s hand was X-rayed before getting wrapped up with a splint on the middle and pointer fingers.

“Four to six weeks,” the doctor answered. “Try not to exert it and make sure to put it on an ice pack every three to four hours on the first day.”

“I see,” Taehyung nodded. He looked over at Yoongi who was silent spaced out for almost the entire time they were in the hospital. “Yoongi…” Taehyung said gently, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I know you have a competition tomorrow but you need to rest, okay?” Yoongi only nodded slowly.

“Here’s a prescription of his pain medication,” the doctor pushing a piece of paper towards them. “Follow the instructions on when to take them.”

“Thank you doctor,” Taehyung bowed and got up. Yoongi cradled his injured hand gently and left the office without a word.

He didn’t even say anything after Taehyung bought his medications and during the short bus ride on the way back to their apartment. Taehyung could tell, however, that Yoongi could only be worried about his upcoming competition. It sucked having this kind of accident the day before such an event especially after all Yoongi’s hard work practicing for it. But surely there were other competitions he could join afterwards. Taehyung was sure that Yoongi could get back on his feet.

“Hey, since you can’t cook or anything, what about I make dinner for you?” Taehyung offered, looking over at Yoongi sitting beside him. “I mean, I’m not as great a cook as Seokjin-hyung is but I can make some simple meals. I’ll promise I won’t give you food poisoning or anything,” he laughed nervously. Yoongi didn’t say a word and continued to look out the window. Taehyung bit his lip and hung his head.

And the silence between stretched even more.

After the bus ride, Taehyung used Yoongi’s keys to open his apartment to let him in. He asked if there was anything else Yoongi wanted him to do, but the only response he received was “Please leave me alone.”

…

“Audio message received from ‘Mother,’” Alexa beeped. Yoongi was sitting on the floor of his bedroom with his back resting against the wall near his bed. He still found it hard to believe that the fingers of his right hand were wrapped up with a splint and that he wouldn’t be able to play tomorrow at the competition.

“Play message,” Yoongi swallowed.

“Son, why haven’t you answered any of my calls?” his mother’s voice filled up his empty bedroom. Yoongi felt himself curl up even tighter. “Please let me know what time you’ll arrive at the venue area and when your turn begins. This is serious, please call back.”

There was silence afterwards before his mother said one last thing. “Don’t even think about missing this competition.”

“Audio message ended,” Alexa said. “Would you like to reply?”

“Alexa, don’t reply,” Yoongi said and gazed long and hard at his fingers. This was the first time he’s ever broken them, but it wasn’t the last time he missed out on a competition.

The first time happened after the gala, when Yoongi fell into depression after his failed attempt at showing off something he created himself. He didn’t even want to touch or look at a piano. His parents left him alone during that time but his mother reminded Yoongi that his avoidance would someday stop. He loved the piano too much.

And she was right.

Yoongi stood up and made his way out of his bedroom to the piano, which looked lonelier now as it sat in the very dim light of his apartment. He sat down on the bench, lifted up the lid, and rested the fingers of his left hand on the keys. Then, the bandaged fingers of his right hand.

He remembered that one time he was playing the piano late at night once, back when he was in middle school. Instead of practicing for the piece he was supposed to learn for the gala, Yoongi felt his fingers playing a different melody. One that didn’t come from any famous composer but from himself, from his late nights of tossing and turning in his bed, from the scraps of melodies he wrote in his notebook during class. At that time, Yoongi felt himself asking the piano if it was okay for him to dream farther than the competitions his mother signed him up in. He asked if it was okay for him to create something.

And then he got the answer to that on the fateful gala night.

“Don’t forget, this is the life you chose for yourself,” his mother’s words echoed in his head.

‘No,’ Yoongi thought bitterly and ripped off the bandages from his right hand. ‘This is what was given to me.’ And with that thought, he began to play.

…

“Alright, this should be enough,” Taehyung muttered to himself as he packed some rice into a container and added it into a bag which was already filled with containers of some side dishes and soup. He didn’t have much cooking know-how but he did learn enough from his grandmother to make a few dishes.

Taehyung kind of felt bad earlier when Yoongi told him to leave the house instead of asking for help. But he also remembered his promise to Hoseok about taking care of Yoongi. The poor guy was probably still reeling from the accident earlier so Taehyung brought it upon himself to cook dinner for him.

“Yoongi! I brought some dinner!” Taehyung called and knocked on the door. “Yoongi?”

And that was when he heard the noise: the faint sound of piano playing. Taehyung froze, ‘No way, Yoongi wouldn’t be this careless,’ he thought. He pressed his ear against the door and sure enough, he was hearing the sound of piano playing.

“Yoongi! You can’t play the piano yet!” Taehyung knocked harder on the door. “You have to let it rest or it won’t heal properly!” Yoongi still didn’t answer the door and the sound of piano playing continued.

“Shit,” Taehyung cursed and put down the bag he was carrying. Remembering again what Hoseok said, he flipped over the mat outside Yoongi’s apartment door and picked up a spare key. He quickly unlocked the door and burst into the apartment.

“Yoongi!” he yelled but without so much as a response from his neighbor. Min Yoongi was sitting hunched in front of the piano. Even in the dim light, Taehyung could see his right hand shaking as he pressed the keys. He rushed over to his neighbor and grabbed Yoongi by the shoulders.

“Snap out of it, Yoongi!”

“Taehyung…” Yoongi mumbled, looking up at his neighbor. “Please, just leave me alone,” he pleaded. Taehyung looked down at his injured hand which was starting to swell again. It should be hurting like hell but Yoongi seemed unfazed by it.

“What have you done?” Taehyung shook his head at the sight. “The doctor said it takes four to six weeks to heal. You can’t play in the competition tomorrow.”

“I have to!” Yoongi cried and took his hand back. “I have to make it tomorrow and play perfectly!”

“There are other competitions out there!” Taehyung attempted to reason with him. “I know it sucks that you practiced so long and hard for this one but we have to prioritize your health. We’ll find a new one, I promise.”

“You don’t understand,” Yoongi shook his head. Taehyung could hear the sound of his voice cracking. “These people are unforgiving. Yes, they’ll call you a genius if you have talent. But after just one slip-up they’ll be all over you.”

“Who are you talking about?” Taehyung crouched in front of Yoongi gently placed a hand on his arm. Yoongi sniffed wiped the tears that were now flowing out of his eyes.

“Everyone…” he sobbed and covered his mouth with his hand. “Mom and Dad. The competition judges. The media. The audience. Everyone.” Yoongi shook his head.

Taehyung looked down and felt tears welling up in his eyes as well. He always found himself crying after seeing other people cry. Seeing Yoongi, his tough, strong-willed neighbor like this, crying in front of a piano with broken finger, made Taehyung’s chest especially hurt.

“It was so hard getting back to competitions after the gala,” Yoongi sniffed. “I stopped playing but when I finally started again, hardly anyone would let me join. They knew how much of a failure I was. But when I was finally allowed to join some, everything changed.

“I can feel them all staring down at me when I play,” Yoongi shuddered and sobbed harder. “I know they’re all waiting for me to screw up again.”

Taehyung struggled to find some words to say. All he could think about was how difficult the past years have been for Yoongi. “It must have been hard for you,” Taehyung whispered and took Yoongi’s hands in his. “And I can’t even begin to understand a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of that pain you’ve been carrying around all this time.” He knew it wasn’t the most comforting thing in the world to say, but he’d rather tell Yoongi what he really felt instead of spouting some bullshit.

“It’s so hard being on that stage,” Yoongi confessed. “It’s so hard not being able to play the piano again.”

“Don’t go back on that stage then,” Taehyung implored, lifting up Yoongi’s chin with a finger so he’d look at him. “If you can’t take it then don’t go back. I know you’ve wanted to do something much more than this. You told me yourself that you wouldn’t shit on your dreams so don’t be a hypocrite and shit on your own.”

“A dream?” Yoongi shook his head and smiled bitterly through his tears. “I don’t think I even have that.”

Taehyung sniffed and wiped his eyes. It felt as if he was the one who was crying more between the two of them. Even now, he still felt like hitting himself for not having anything good to say. But after what Yoongi said, Taehyung felt as if he was drawn back to his own high school years. He knew that feeling of not knowing what to do and being stuck in place while everyone was passionately running forward. It all felt like a race to him back then with Taehyung right smack in the starting line. But despite that, he got to where he wanted to be.

“Yoongi,” Taehyung gently rested his hand on Yoongi’s left. “It’s okay to cry about it now, it’s worth crying over. And it’s okay if all you want to do later is eat and sleep for twenty hours. God knows you deserve it.

“It’s okay to feel hurt about this and be confused because that’s the first step to figuring things out,” he continued. Yoongi wiped the tears from his eyes and finally looked him in the eye instead of avoiding his gaze. “You have friends with you and I know they’ll do anything to help you out.”

Yoongi bit his lip and looked down at where Taehyung’s hand was resting on his. Gently, he closed his fingers over it. He opened his mouth as if to say something before hesitating and pursing his lips. Taehyung smiled reassuringly and waited patiently for him to say anything. Finally, he spoke.

“Will you help me?” Yoongi looked down as he said those words before glancing up at Taehyung with a worried look on his face. Judging from that look, Taehyung could only imagine how rarely Yoongi said those words. It was an expression that Taehyung knew he used more than once throughout a day, but with Yoongi, he knew it held more weight than he could ever imagine.

Taehyung smiled and got up to wrap his arms around Yoongi.

“Of course I will.”

this is so sad alexa play despacito

42 notes · View notes