#of commentary someone else wrote like. is it really that big of a loss you get furious at people

[gayspock]

dont rb / on a very genuine level tho it is, like, kinda tiresome whenever ppl tell you ur using a social media site "incorrectly"... and obviously im not talking abt genuinely hurtful stuff, yknow? and furthermore- yes, i recognise some like genuine problems tht can arise, but ultimately like... i do not think its constructive as it is to always get. mad at ppl. for like.... not doing what you want them to. especially when it comes to projecting intentions onto those ppl. do you know wht i mean. -_-

[mittensmorgul]

For anyone interested in long-term residence in the supernatural fandom, please have some observations I’ve made over the decade I’ve been here. Take it or leave it as you will, but I’ve found all of this info useful over the years I’ve been here.

I wrote this yesterday, and it achieved its mission of identifying the sort of folks who would react negatively to it (i.e. a lot of block lists have been updated), so now that it’s been edited for content, it’s going under a cut (because that is how we do things on tumblr in general, unless we have a deliberate purpose for annoying readers with excessively long text posts) for the sake of people who actually do care about the fandom and its history. If that’s not you or your reason for being here, then keep on keeping on with your own thing, I guess. For those who are interested, there’s a lot of fandom resources some of us have been building for years that you might enjoy knowing about.

First off, I’ve been informed by a few friends who’ve read through this for coherency’s sake that it sort of reads like a *shakes cane from porch* fandom grandma complaint, but honestly... I earned this rocking chair and goshdangit imma rock now. So apologies for any “back in my day” vibes or faint aroma of tiger balm this post might give off. Then again, it’s loosely based on a similar post from 2012 so like... time is a flat circle anyway I guess.

1. There is no such thing as “tumblr famous,” unless you’re referring to the hilarious and delightful fic of the same name (please go read it, you will cackle). Posting Hot Takes for imaginary Clout™ on this site is kind of pointless in the long run. Sure you can post solely for the sake of stirring shit and getting notes, but the majority of the folks who do aren’t long term residents of the fandom. They’re just tourists moving through our little beach town for spring break. If you’re actually intent on moving to this corner of the fandom for an extended stay, please bother to really feel out the permanent residents and understand the culture and general mood of the neighborhood. It bears no resemblance to whatever’s going on across town where all the bars and beach parities are happening, and those loud, drunken revelers are, again, gonna disappear back to their regular lives or on to the next party eventually. That doesn’t mean the fandom is dying, it’s just evolving.

(funny how I had several comments implying that I’m just trying to keep the fandom from evolving with this post, because I sincerely do want the fandom to continue on for years to come, and that is impossible without evolution. We can evolve without self-immolating, though. mostly i included point 1 for an excuse to push ancient but hilarious fanfic on you.)

2. Once you post something here, it’s been unleashed to the fandom winds. You never know where it will end up, or who will comment on it or add to it. Remember that time Misha tweeted the link to the Epic Cockles Love Story post? No? It was wild. That was 2012. They all know we’re here, and how to find us if they want to. Please don’t take it to their doorsteps.

Obviously if someone is being a dick on your posts, please feel free to block them, but the whole entire point of this site is to engage people with your posts. Being big mad that someone reblogged your post with comments or supporting evidence, or happy headcanons or “HECK THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE (insert personal story about their experience or whatever else made them Feel Things about your post)” is frankly ridiculous. If your goal is to avoid any sort of engagement with your posts, then maybe try instagram instead. From what I understand, there is a SPN fandom presence there, and nobody can tarnish your original posts with unwanted commentary. But the ability to reblog with additional commentary is a FEATURE of tumblr that builds community through conversation. Otherwise we’re all just talking to ourselves in a vacuum, and that’s what actually kills fandoms.

(and for the folks who just want to blog how they want to blog and don’t want people to engage on their posts at all, please feel free to block anyone you want, as well... nobody wants to step on your toes, but most of us also don’t want to walk on eggshells wondering if this post is one of the “do not add comments for any reason” sorts of posts, either. This is a huge fandom and most people can’t even begin to keep track of every creator and their url du jour, and what their personal rules might be regarding interaction with their content. Including a “please don’t add comments” note at the bottom of your posts-- and not in your tags that won’t even show up on reblogs, but in the actual body of the post-- would sincerely help avoid any awkward or unwanted interactions, too. At the end of the day, you are in control of your own fandom experience and the block button exists.

For the record, I block zero fandom blogs (which is why I posted this, I wanted it to reach a wide scope... refer to the opening paragraphs as to why).

3. Since this post was partly inspired by a tag I left on that post going around about how “previous tags” mean fuckall on this site (which you can read here), just a reminder that if you like someone’s tags or feel they add value to the post, part of the Peer Review structure of tumblr encourages you to PASTE THEM INTO A REBLOG. If you do this, then at least credit the person who actually wrote the tags! Don’t just copy someone else’s tags into your tags on your reblog of the post without credit either. They were not YOUR tags. (I have had this happen to tag rambles I wrote and someone else got credited with them on a subsequent reblog and it is FRUSTRATING). Just... don’t even bother to write “previous tags” because WHAT PREVIOUS TAGS?! Nobody is gonna bother to chase back the chain of reblogs trying to find where the mystery tags came from, friendos. That way lies madness.

(for the record, since some folks seemed to focus on this point solely, writing “previous tags” on a post isn’t inherently a BAD thing, but for anyone who actually is here for more than one-off shitposting, then it’s sort of a pointless thing in the long run. This wasn’t intended to suggest people who ARE here for one-off shitposting are bad or “doing it wrong,” but for people who might actually want to preserve that hilarious joke or insightful comment. People delete posts and entire blogs all the time around here. Links break. I get that the upcoming generation just shrugs at that and moves on with their lives, but heck... you don’t have to accept that all entertainment is disposable if you don’t want to. There’s a bizarre sort of nihilism plaguing us all about the impermanence of pretty much everything that feels like something we should be fighting against rather than buying into wholesale, even in our escapist entertainment. I’m just exhausted by the complete loss of joy in community.

*shouts from the peanut gallery* IT AIN’T THAT DEEP, JUST GET SOME FRESH AIR AND LOOK AT A PUPPY OR SOMETHING

Yes... yes it isn’t really that deep, but bigger picture in the state of reality we’re all entirely disillusioned with, are we supposed to just give up on everything, including the things we cling to because they bring us a tiny spark of hope that we’re not all just trapped in this dystopian nightmare and things might actually be worth living for?

*peanut gallery clinging to burnt husks of peanuts in a barren peanut field* but this is how we have chosen to cope

Okay... you do you... I feel bad for you but if that’s the case then this post is NOT FOR YOU. AND THAT’S FINE. I honestly do not care if you don’t care! I mean, I’m sorry anyone has to live in a world that drives them to that mindset, but I understand. This post is for anyone who might look at their lives and their choices and think “no wait, I unironically enjoy this and want more from the experience of that enjoyment than I’m currently feeling.” Everyone else can continue with their lives as usual.)

4. CONTENT THEFT IS NEVER OKAY. PERIOD. Things like “credit to the artist” or tagging gifs or images you found on pinterest as “not mine” isn’t actually credit. If you can’t source an image or gif set, DO NOT POST IT! We don’t REPOST (i.e. save an image and then create a new post with it as if it was our own creation). We REBLOG (click the little square arrows and reblog from the actual creator). That goes for gif sets, fanvids, screencaps, meta, fic... everything.

(hopefully everyone here already understands this one, but I felt compelled to include some “these are stupidly obvious” reminders anyway, since this is ostensibly some sort of advice column. This is the equivalent of the warning label on your toaster reminding you not to use it in the bath. Like... duh...)

5. Close kin of item 4 is SOURCE YOUR SHIT. 

(for 100% disclosure purposes, I specifically discussed this one in this specific way because of an influx of anon ask messages I received in the wake of the finale. Literally the inciting incident for creating this entire post was what I can only assume was a joking ask about a comment Misha made at a con years ago. Someone actually bothered to take the time to type out those sentences to me. I have no idea what they were expecting in reply, or what could possibly motivate them to send this comment about something so entirely random from, again, several years ago. Just a joke? No idea, but whatever... it got me thinking that there might actually be people who are new to the fandom who MIGHT actually care about the fandom history, and maybe they just don’t know where to go for that info, or how to even begin searching through 16 years of history for things they might actually find enjoyment in, rather than just hauling random out of context garbage out on main and pointing and laughing about it now. People are actually allowed to care about things. It’s not cringeworthy to actually care about things, and you are not alone in actually caring, and there’s this whole big room over here full of people who are thrilled to share in that with you. This post is intended FOR THOSE PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY, so if that is not you, please just continue walking by.)

Yes, I know lots of y’all are new around here right now, but dredging up stuff from years ago that fandom has completely debunked and presenting it as TRU FAX again is just exhausting. We’re not trying to be party poopers, but seriously, we have seen it all and are mostly done with extinguishing bags of flaming dog poop on our front porches for the umpteenth year in a row. I’ve seen a lot of posts that have the same tone as “I saw Goody Proctor dancing with the devil” or “I heard kylo ren has an eight pack” and just... the information is there for anyone who cares enough to find it.

This goes double for “why is nobody talking about this thing I just discovered while watching the show for the first time?!” And, oh hon, we have talked it all into the ground over the last fifteen years. We’re happy you’re discovering it again, but I promise we talked about it plenty when the episodes originally aired. We have such a rich meta history that lots of us have worked really hard to preserve. I encourage you to seek it out, if nothing else than as historical artifacts. The way we have discussed the show has been a 16-year evolution. People have written literal doctoral dissertations on this show. Your shitposts are fun! We love reliving our own experience through fresh eyes, and seeing your wonder at experiencing it all again for the first time! But y’all didn’t invent this fandom in the last six months, either.

Meta Sources and Minerals provided by our friendly neighborhood fandom archivist, @lets-steal-an-archive

Academic books and articles about SPN 

A collection of Meta Essays going back to s1 and organized by topic (all of this has happened before, all of it will happen again)

SPN Heavy Meta Archive (s1-3)

Mel’s Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-12)

Oranges8hands Dreamwidth archive of meta (s1-15, with many similar entries to Mel’s... though ymmv on viewpoint in a lot of these too)

Anyone remember Fandom Wank? Not the concept but the actual LJ... No? Okay have a link to SPN topics that ended up there. Through 2013. We have seen so much... including several fandom containment breaches.

for all your art sourcing needs, please see @theroadsofararchive, the repository for so much fandom art.

need to find a gif of something? canonspngifs is a vast repository of gifsets of the entire series. If the gif you want to use in your post happens to be the first gif in the gifset, in the tumblr gif finder thingy just paste the permalink to that post from canonspngifs (which is easily searchable by episode, character, location, situation, quotes, and sometimes even color and clothing items the actors are wearing... it’s really well organized, especially for tumblr >.>) and the first gif will be automatically linked with credit to the gif creator attached. It makes life easy that way. It’s also convenient when trying to remember something specific but can’t remember what episode it’s from. I’ve used the site to jog my memory before going to the superwiki armed with more specific search results to find episode quotes and references. Or sometimes I just scroll through all the nice gifs for fun, too.

Need a screencap of something and know exactly which episode it’s from? Try Home of the Nutty. You might not find the exact screencap you’re looking for, but they have a complete set of caps of every episode, and it’s an incredibly useful resource for quick reference checks and the like. Just give pages a chance to fully load before clicking on the next one. The site is easily overloaded, but it’s still free to use (and again, with credit... Pretty much every screencap on my entire blog is from HotN unless otherwise credited).

As you can see, this is a fandom built on preserving our history. You absolutely are not required to engage with any of this if that’s not of interest to you, but I can only assume that there are people who would be interested in it if only they knew it existed and how to find it. Well, now they do.

6. A few more notes on tags, and how they work on tumblr. The first 20 tags on your ORIGINAL posts are searchable sitewide, so if you want to be able to find something again, tag that thing first before going on general tag rambles. The only place tags on reblogs are searchable is on your own blog. So you don’t have to put 50 tags trying to get a post seen if it’s a reblog. You’re just spitting into the wind at that point. If you have a filing system for finding things again, then by all means add those tags (again, in the first 20, so they’re searchable), but you don’t need to tag a reblog “destiel” and “deancas” and “dean” and “cas” and “dean x cas” or whatever. Pick one for your personal blog’s filing system, that’s all you need.

(this was only added because tagging and searching on this site is so very broken... I get that a lot of folks don’t care about ever searching their own blogs again for anything, so this one only really applies if you do often find yourself trying to find old posts. If not, then it’s not really relevant.  It took me years to work out a decent tagging system, and at the beginning of my time here I never thought I’d end up camping out here for a decade and falling this deep into the fandom, and I regretted my lack of consistent tags only years later when I realized I actually wanted to be able to go back and find specific old posts again. So... for anyone who wants to err on the side of caution, working out a sensible tagging system really helps if you’re here for the long term. I personally tag content by episode, because some of my other general tags are so large as to be practically useless as a search term. But whatever system you choose to file stuff on your own blog, it really only has to make sense to you. And again, if this is pointless advice for someone who has no intention of settling here for the long term. Please feel free to ignore it. I just wish someone had explained it this way to me ten years ago and saved me the hassle of retroactively tagging something like 30k posts... especially now that using the mass tag replacer is the fastest way to get your entire blog deleted... oops? so yeah, don’t use the mass tag replacer either >.>)

7. Tags on Tumblr DO NOT WORK LIKE TAGS ON TWITTER. If you @ someone in the body of the post, it will show up in their notifications (if they’re the sort of person who even checks their notifications... not all of us do. For the record, I generally don’t...), but putting actor or ship names in the tags on a tumblr post does absolutely nothing. It’s not the same as tagging the actor’s twitter account in a tweet. Nobody’s getting notifications about you tagging a post about Jensen here as “Jensen Ackles.” There is a difference. Please learn it. (and don’t take headcanons and ESPECIALLY RPF or otherwise explicit art or fic from tumblr to twitter and tag the actors in it. That���s just... not okay.)

(I have seen the pearl clutchers getting all in a huff about the mere existence of RPF or even explicit content of fictional characters if it doesn’t meet their purity standards, but tagging those things allows people who don’t want to see it to actively avoid that content here. Nobody has a right to tell people their fictional content shouldn’t exist at all, or that creators of that fictional content somehow deserve harassment or threats for having dared to create such “immoral” content, won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children... and no... you do not do that here. Don’t be the problematic behavior you wish to ban from the world. Learn to use tags to protect yourself from, as i have attempted to emphasize here, fictional content you are personally upset by. That’s a you problem, not a problem for the creators of potentially upsetting content that they tag appropriately for.)

8. General formatting stuff: If you’re writing long text posts, visually break them up so people aren’t faced with one long wall of text. The enter key is your friend. Also, if you put long text posts under a Read More break and send people to your blog to finish reading, please ensure that your blog is actually visually accessible (tiny text, or light grey text on a dark grey background, or a visually busy background might be aesthetically pleasing to you but nobody can actually read it. Loads of folks won’t even try. Which is great if you don’t actually care whether people are able to appreciate your content or not, but something to at least consider if you *do* actively want to encourage engagement with your work. Confirm how your blog looks on both mobile and desktop and make sure it’s actually functional in both, too).

And since I mentioned that most of my experience on fandom tumblr has been in the SPN fandom, here’s a bit of a reminder for folks who are new around here. With the reminder that I have been here more than a decade and still feel like a newbie myself sometimes...

This is an OLD FANDOM. There are many, many people who have been at this longer than some of you have been alive. The average age for creators in this fandom is older than you think (I think of my friends in their 30′s as young’ins okay? okay). With that understood, you are responsible for the content you consume and are exposed to. Curate your experience. Ship and let ship. YKINMKATOK. Don’t deliberately expose yourself to content you find upsetting for whatever reason. Tags and warnings are your friends, not targets for you to attack in some sort of purity war. People will ship things you do not like (or in specific ways you do not like), will say things you do not agree with, and will find their happiness in things you abhor. That is not your concern. Find what you do like, and support and engage with it, and ignore (or block, or unfollow) the rest. Tumblr has a feature that lets you blacklist tags so the content you’re trying to avoid won’t appear on your dash.

Remember the paradox of tolerance.

It is not your job in fandom to police how other people enjoy the fandom. It’s not *my* job to police how *you* enjoy the fandom, UNLESS your enjoyment is in actively harming other real human beings in the fandom. If you don’t like their take on the character or the show or the plotlines or their ships or anything else, you don’t need to engage with their posts at all! The necessary corollary to this is that clarifying misunderstandings or correcting factual misinformation is not “policing.” 

(this is where the peanut gallery reminds me it ain’t that deep, and I plead with them to put down the social media and find just one (1) thing to actually believe in in this godforsaken life, find something other than disdain and cynicism and spite to live for. If those things motivate you to find a larger cause for yourself, then great, use them to your advantage, but use them to find something that makes you a better person or brings you a modicum of joy and connection to your fellow human beings despite living in a dystopian hellscape of a world)

I have seen a lot of posts lately that are founded on the sort of authority that comes with “I watched through tumblr for a few months and then watched the last three episodes of the series” and as such are just... missing the larger context of the entire show, and are unfounded entirely in canon. I 100% appreciate the new enthusiasm for the fandom that we’ve been living in here for years, and it’s wonderful to see new people enjoying the thing we love. Your headcanons are valid, you are valid, but recognize that your headcanons aren’t canon. All of us finale denialists have accepted this in some measure, so we feel you. We truly, truly feel you. But regarding actual canon, we have a resource for that: the Superwiki. Learn it, live it, love it, as Metatron would say.

(which you could discover he said in 10.17 Inside Man, thanks to the superwiki! accept no substitutes!)

(and again, there have been people who have been involved in fandom for years who haven’t engaged with canon in years, either! You can play in this universe however you choose, BUT FOR PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT CANON AT ALL, WHICH I AM AGAIN POINTEDLY SAYING MIGHT NOT BE YOU, READER, AND I’M NOT SUGGESTING YOU ARE WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO ACTUALLY ENGAGE WITH CANON, but if you DO want to engage with canon, please have some useful resources. Why do people feel personally attacked by being presented a list of helpful resources? Absolutely baffling.)

(also: words have definitions. “Canon” is a specific thing, meaning in this case “the finished media product that aired on television.” Anything beyond those limits is secondary canon (think: john’s journal, which is not canon but canon adjacent at best...), word of god (i.e stuff said by the writers and showrunners), or headcanon (which includes actor commentary-- they may have helped create the show with their acting choices and whatever, but they are not in control of the story overall). If there’s something you dislike about actual canon, you can reject it and supplement it with your own theories or preferred outcomes-- that’s basically what fanfic is-- but that doesn’t make your theories canon (much to all our dismay, that’s just not how any of this works. This is not to invalidate how anyone engages with the show or the fandom, just trying to clarify what seems to have been a source of unintentional misunderstandings. Your theories do not have to be “canon” to be legitimate interpretations.)

***I am setting this section apart, and did make a separate post of just this following information, because this is where we go from being relatively chill about different parts of fandom choosing to interact in different ways and you do you and blog however you want, to “hey can everybody please understand that the way you are interacting with this specific material might be harmful for specific legal reasons, and stating that you do not care about the consequences of your actions does actively make you the asshole here...” Okay, now that we have that understood:

The spnscripthunt collective has been steadily acquiring new scripts (which are posted in full on the superwiki for everyone to enjoy, for free). The language around how some folks are talking about these scripts is... concerning. For very real legal reasons, actually, and not because we’re feeling precious about the collection and don’t wike it when meanies use them in shitposts.

-First off, these scripts are not “leaks.” They are all verified and legally purchased (or gifted, in some cases, but still acquired entirely above board. we didn’t whack anyone over the head in a back alley for these scripts, or swipe them out of someone’s trailer on set).

(in case anyone was unaware, these scripts are the copywritten protected property of Warner Brothers. So yes, how we use them and share them with the fandom could have legal repercussions. We present them as a collected resource of fandom history which SHOULD fall under Fair Use doctrine, but this is untested legal water. Insinuating that the scripts are somehow not entirely legally obtained, or that posting them for public access involved less than 100% transparent and entirely legal transactions is incredibly concerning.

Once again for the peanut gallery, if you don’t care about any of that and are just having a good time with it, at least be mindful of the work and expense a large group of people have gone through to acquire and present the content you’re all too eager to exploit for cheap thrills. Some of us do actually care and are not exactly comfortable with the fact that others don’t seem to care about burning it all to the ground. We can’t force you to listen or behave as we’d hope you might, but at least be aware of the potential consequences of your actions. All we’re asking is for you to not be the douchebag who sets the whole neighborhood on fire with your illegal fireworks display. Is that too much to ask for? more on that in a second, first... a psa)

-If you see a script for sale and are unsure if it’s legit (or believe it might already be freely available in our collection), please feel free to ask us for advice. Our goal is to make as much of our fandom history available to the entire fandom, and we absolutely do not want anyone shelling out money for stuff you can already find for free.

(seriously, we’ve seen a bunch of resellers cropping up selling printed versions of the scripts we bought and uploaded for everyone to enjoy free of charge, or scripts that are otherwise of dubious origin. We’ve been at this for years now and know what’s actually out there. We don’t want anyone to fall for a scam if we can help it)

-Also, the usual reminder that the scripts we acquire ARE NOT NECESSARILY THE FINAL SHOOTING DRAFTS. In fact, the majority of scripts in our collection are NOT. Changes are made daily to scripts, even during filming. Comparing a Production Draft (white pages, effectively the first “final draft” of what usually becomes a series of drafts before filming wraps) to a much later revision (say... green or goldenrod revisions, several of which we DO have in our collection for comparison) and how those earlier drafts often differ wildly from the aired version versus how similar a much later green draft is to the aired version, for example, can teach you a lot about the television writing process. The link above to the superwiki scripts page has a nice little explainer about how this process works.

Differences between our posted scripts (many of which are white drafts, aka FIRST complete drafts, which will likely go through multiple rounds of revisions before filming even begins) and the aired version of the show are not all “acting choices” or a director or editor just cutting whole scenes on a whim. It’s insulting to everyone involved in production to suggest that’s the case.

(and yeah, fine... whatever, make any sort of posts you like regarding how those changes came about, but at the very least understand that it’s not actually the truth about how any of this works. Don’t care that that’s not the truth and want to make the posts anyway because shitposting is fun and that’s the extent of your sense of humor? FINE! You’re entitled to do that! But at least you DO know the truth now, and hopefully so do the people who engage with your posts. Deliberate ignorance isn’t cute, smooth lions notwithstanding)

There’s probably a whole other post to be made on fandom tagging etiquette, but again I don’t really use the tags enough to know what’s going on with that whole situation. I’ve also probably left a lot of stuff out, so please feel free to add things I’ve overlooked.

Thanks also to @trisscar368 and @thayerkerbasy for help compiling this, too. They were kind enough to escort me through the park to feed these pigeons. Now I need to take them out for ice cream. :’D

So I guess welcome to the neighborhood. Make yourself at home, but like... try not to trash the place while you’re here. Some of us live here by choice, lol.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Jintian

Jintian has 21 X-Files stories at AO3 all posted during the original run of the show and all fics you should read if you like beautiful words and lovely character insights (and you do!). I've recced some of my favorites here before, including Argus, Diving, God's Breath, and Seven Days. Big thanks to Jintian for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Many authors from the original run still loom large in my mind, so I'm glad to hear it. The show had great production values and cinematography and iconic characters, and I think that level of quality was reflected in fanworks. Good writing is good writing no matter how old. For myself, I'm happy if anything I made still resonates with people. What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

Just doing the math, I first discovered XF over half my lifetime ago. I was a sheltered introverted young'un. Online fandom introduced me to a diversity of people and perspectives I couldn't have found in my "real" life at the time. I'm especially grateful for the wisdom of women who, over the years, advised or supported me or simply led by example – not only with writing, but with everything from relationships to job interviews to finances. And I love that in so many places I've lived or traveled, I've been able to meet someone local who already feels like a friend.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)? The Scullyfic mailing list, ATXC, and archives were my main venues. Scullyfic was such a well-run group, with structured discussion topics, post-episode commentary, and writing challenges.

Also, an image comes to mind: for some reason my dad put our computer in the garage, where we had a fan but no air conditioning, and we lived in the US southeast which feels like the armpit of hell in the summertime. I'd sit in that sweltering muggy heat for hours getting my fandom fix. And the only way to connect to the internet was via landline, which I couldn't tie up during the day, so that meant a lot of late nights as well. My fandom equivalent of trudging miles uphill in the snow?

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general? With regard to fanfic, I learned how to receive and give constructive criticism, before and after posting. Even if it was "just" fanfic, most everyone wanted to improve their writing. I think that was a good mindset for me to cultivate, personally and professionally.

With regard to fandom, I learned how to be an active and analytical consumer, and that there can be many (many!) interpretations of a text. What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show? The fanfic, actually. Somehow in my internet wanderings, I stumbled across Gossamer. Dawson Rambo's casefiles were also early finds. Curiosity about the characters drove me to check out the show.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

As far as writing my own, I had an image in my head which I jotted down, and over several months I kept adding to it – mostly navel-gazing, not much plot. The resulting story was a hodgepodge of different POVs and different tenses. *facepalm* But I received some lovely feedback, and I felt very welcomed. For me the XF community, with everyone's creativity and dedication, was just as inspiring and motivating for fanfic as the show.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

I think of it like school. I learned a lot, I graduated, and now it's primarily occupied by a new generation. Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

If XF was like university, then afterward was like graduate school. Sophiahelix and I started a multi-fandom mailing list called Glass Onion and met lots of folks. Livejournal/Dreamwidth became big public platforms which enabled tons of cross-fandom links, recs, and discussions – and sometimes clashes. Although it wasn't as intensely formative for me as XF, I realized that fandom in general has had an undeniable impact on my life. [Lilydale note: That’s a link to a wonderful little essay Jintian wrote about fandom.]

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why? I love the sneak attackers, the ones who seem unassuming or perhaps disadvantaged, but they're actually out here killing the game. Dana Scully was a small-statured person who had to move the driver's seat to reach the pedals – like me – but she was an FBI agent, medical doctor, and forensic pathologist – unlike me, but goals. Other similar faves are Toph Beifong (Avatar: The Last Airbender), Mat Cauthon (Wheel of Time), and Jang Geurae (Misaeng). Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? Several years ago I had the notion to introduce my husband to the show, and it was totally enjoyable and could stand up with shows airing today. (Husband queried: "What is the deal with Mulder? He should have been fired 19 times already." We were in Season 2.)

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

No XF lately, but I'll check AO3 whenever I encounter a shiny new ship. Reading fic is my only fannish activity these days, so I stay happy and conflict-free.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors? It's been ages, but today I'm thinking of torch, Jane St Clair, Jordan, RivkaT, MustangSally, Khyber, nevdull, Justin Glasser, Vehemently, Nascent... On any other day it could be a whole different list. The fandom was so rich and deep in writers. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

My XF stuff was kind of all over the place. I experimented a lot, with mixed results. I guess I'm glad about some of the subject matter I tackled, like Scully's trauma and post-abduction state of mind (and body) in Loss of Yesterday, and the thematically similar Longer Gone, which explored Samantha.

What's the story behind your pen name? Jintian means "today" in Mandarin Chinese. I was feeling existential. 🤷‍♀️

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions? I've only ever told an ex and my husband. They were allowed to read one story – which I chose. They thought it was cool, I guess. I can't remember clearly because I had my fingers stuck in my ears going "lalalala!"

However, I can always count on my husband to say something savagely funny about fandom mess, so I just try to curate his exposure. For instance, he could recap the Msscribe saga but couldn't tell you any of my usernames. He's also met a number of my fannish friends so he knows how we get, hah.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

AO3 Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

As I'm writing this, the world is grappling with COVID-19. I'm wishing everyone safety and health, both physical and mental. If fandom provides a positive escape, embrace and enjoy it!

(Posted by Lilydale on October 6, 2020)

[iohourtime]

Kiokuya (The Memory Eraser) Review - With Spoilers

Since I read the book, sort of followed the filming progress, and read a bunch of interviews (that all sounded the same after a while), I should finish off by writing a review for the movie itself! 

Thanks to the pandemic, I was stuck at home watching Netflix for 7 months, so I’ve watched all sorts of movies & TV; sadly most are in the average to crappy category. To me, Kiokuya was probably in the average to slightly above average category. In other words, there are elements I like and there are things I feel the movie can improve on.

The review is a bit long since apparently I have a lot of thoughts about the script.😅 I pretty much summed up my thoughts in the “theme” section. If you are interested in the book / movie differences & things from the DVD visual commentary, I included those in the script & characters section. (Movie Walker included highlights from the visual commentary here.) . If you want to discuss the movie but don’t want to put spoilers on Twitter, leave me a message.

Theme:

The movie’s main theme is obviously about memory. If a memory is making your life miserable, or even stopping you from living, is it better to erase it? Or do all memories, even bad ones, shape you as a human? If someone’s memory of you is gone, are you killed in their minds? If you think someone is better off forgetting you, do you have the right to ask Kiokuya to erase their memories of you? Are the memories gone forever? If you have the power to erase someone’s memory, what are your responsibilities? And to some extent, what are the criteria to evaluate each request and what due diligence should you do before you accept this task? These were the questions the movie wanted you to ask. You know because the movie kept hitting you on the head through the dialogue! That’s probably my main complaint about the movie.

I didn’t study film so I don’t know the theories, but I think being heavy handed at telling you what you should be thinking is like listening to a textbook; it robs the audience of the chance to experience and internalize what they saw, and as a result, they are less able to connect emotionally to the film. That’s not to say people are not moved by the movie and empathize with the characters. I feel that it had more to do with the actors than the script though.

I think the cinematography was generally nice. I liked how they used the drone shots to film the beautiful Hiroshima scenery. The sunset scene was beautiful. The music did not seem intrusive. Other than that, I’m not sure I have more to say. (Fine. Yamada looked good in the plaid shirts and his hair was on point.)

Script vs Book: (Spoiler alert from here on!)

Kiokuya, the movie, was an adaptation of a “horror” novel of the same name. Although there were horror elements, mostly because Kiokuya was kind of a shadowy figure, even the novel itself was focused more on humanity. The original story was divided into 4 parts; the first 3 parts were really 3 separate short stories that explored different reasons people have for wanting their memories erased. The final part was about Kiokuya herself. The Ryoichi character simply served as a bridge between the stories. Here’s a brief description:

Kyoko - A while ago, she was attacked in a dark alley but was saved at the last minute. Even though she was unharmed, she developed a crippling phobia of the dark, so she locked herself inside her home at night and was not able to live a normal life. She and Ryoichi were kinda but not really dating, and Ryoichi, being a typical guy, figured he could fix her. Kyoko tried everything but as a last resort, she asked Kiokuya to erase her memory of the attack. Since her relation with Ryoichi was based almost entirely on overcoming the phobia, she forgot him too. Through this incident, Ryoichi remembered how Maki had her memory erased when she was 5 or 6 - she saw her mom confessing to her dad that she had an affair with her uncle. Kiokuya might have erased Maki’s memory a second time when she was 10-12. Finally, he realized he “forgot” about his year-long investigation of Kiokuya with Takahara & others. It seemed like he was doggedly pursuing Kiokuya because he felt violated more than his undying love for Kyoko. In his own words, he didn’t try to rebuild his relationship with Kyoko again after she forgot about him. There was nothing stopping him, so his feelings towards Kyoko were not that deep.

Takahara - He was a 30 year old ikemen lawyer, though like the movie, he was dying. The chapter focused on his touching friendship with his assistant. Takahara was also close with Nanami, a suicidal, 17-year-old daughter of a client who became very attached to him. When Takahara found out Nanami planned to kill herself after he died, he asked Kiokuya to erase her memory of him so that she would live on.

Misao & Kaname - They were childhood friends and Misao started crushing on Kaname. She confessed and was rejected, but after that, they were not able to be friends like before. She figured if she erased everything about Kaname, they may be able to start over and become friends again without the awkward feelings.

Maki - Ryoichi thought Maki was looking for Kiokuya to erase some unpleasant memories. Then he found out she was Kiokuya, who inherited her ability from her grandfather. In the end, Maki confessed to the burden of being Kiokuya and Ryoichi told her he would support her and that she didn’t have to do it alone. Maki decided to erase anything Kiokuya related in his memory, but their friendship remained intact. Oh, Maki was 17 in the book and also had a crush on Ryoichi. She erased his memories many times before. Like in the movie, she also would like Ryoichi to love her just once, although he never ever saw her as anyone other than his annoying little sister. 😅

The director of the movie, Hirakawa Yuichi, also wrote or co-wrote the script. While the movie stuck to the themes of the novel, the motivations were completely different. Kyoko and Misao were both rape victims, Takahara now wanted to protect his young daughter from the sadness of his death, and Maki was herself kidnapped by a psychopath when she was a kid. I guess Hirakawa needed to pump up the drama and felt the stakes were not high enough for a 2 hour movie? There is always some uneasiness with using rape and trauma to move the story along. I guess there is a difference between this and the usual example of “fridging a female character”, i.e. kill a love interest of the hero to motivate him on some journey. Ryoichi was motivated by being erased and he actually gradually realized he should not push for restoring Kyoko’s memories if it was her wish. He only found out what happened to her at the end of the movie. Considering their relationship in the movie was a lot more serious, they couldn’t really use the phobia of darkness reason. However, it would also take something really big for Kyoko to want her memory erased while not talking to Ryoichi beforehand. Anyway, I really don’t see a way out of this.

For Misao though, I didn’t think they needed to make her a victim of the same serial rapist, especially when they use the same reason as the book for erasing Kaname. I suppose they need to explain why Nanami (and later Ryoichi) was looking into them? But they could just have the doctor referred the case (who appeared to be breaking doctor-patient confidentiality?! Just me?) In fact, the whole Misao / Kaname storyline didn’t really do much other than allowing Ryoichi to find out from Kaname that Kiokuya was a young girl.

Maki’s childhood trauma was also a bit excessive. I can’t see it as anything other than to get Ryoichi out to Hiroshima to talk to Grandpa. While finding out mom was “dealing with” uncle would be traumatic for a young child, it might not be dramatic enough for a movie.

Ryoichi & Maki’s origins were also changed. They were now raised in Hiroshima and moved to Tokyo to attend university. The only reason was to place Grandpa-Kiokuya in Hiroshima after the bombing. While I liked the grandpa scene, was it necessary? They already covered the “Kiokuya after WWII” with the interview with the elderly woman. I think they could still keep Grandpa, since he was Kiokuya (and ironically suffering from Alzheimer’s) but maybe just skip the elderly woman part and use those minutes to build Ryoichi & Kyoko’s relationship! 

Upgrading Ryoichi & Kyoko’s relationship to being engaged gave him more incentive to look for Kiokuya, but all we got to see was 1 proposal scene and some snapshots, which made it harder for us to understand the loss Ryoichi experienced when Kyoko forgot him. Ultimately, I feel that more time should be given to the “before” times. They don’t even need that much. If done effectively like the movie Searching with John Cho, 5 minutes or so of clips would be enough to get us to care more. I’m not saying people won’t care, but it’s true that there are people who didn’t quite feel it. Yamada basically had to sell it with longing looks at Renbutsu, so how deeply you feel for them depends on whether you buy it or not.

Takahara’s story might have been changed because of who they cast. Also, Takahara & Nanami’s relationship in the book was kinda weird, considering Nanami actually loved him and she was 17 while he was 30. I definitely cannot agree with how Movie Takahara wanted to erase his daughter’s memory to spare her the pain of losing him. It reminded me of that Black Mirror episode where the mom put in a blocker to shield her daughter from bad things. It ended up messing up the girl & broke their relationship. Young children are resilient and the sadness would eventually change into something else, which would shape their characters. Also, just because she forgot her birth father didn’t mean she would suddenly get along with her stepfather. I won’t even get into the whole consent thing. It was a good thing Maki did not follow through.

Less good was what Movie Maki did to Ryoichi & Kyoko though. When I found out Movie Ryoichi & Kyoko were engaged instead of “pre-dating” like in the book, I was quite worried they would have Movie Maki erase Ryoichi from Kyoko’s mind for selfish reasons. I was hoping that maybe he got erased by mistake, but unfortunately, the script did go with the jealousy angle, which made Maki extremely unsympathetic.

In the visual commentary, they said they rewrote the ending because it didn’t fit. Maki erased her entire existence from Ryoichi's mind as penance for what she did. (I think initially, they were going with the book ending where Maki just erased Kiokuya from his head.) In the end, the actual cut used in the movie was more ambiguous - they “left it to the audience” to decide how much Maki erased and whether Ryoichi & Kyoko got a second chance at happiness. (The director said it ended on a hopeful note. Take it how you want.)

It’s unclear if Movie Maki erased Ryoichi’s memories more than once, but Book Maki had done it many times. Even though Book Maki seemed more responsible with her powers and didn’t slip up like Movie Maki, she did wipe part of Ryoichi’s memories without his consent. Ryoichi said that she didn’t have to do this alone and she could lean on him, so why didn’t she? Also, losing all that memory got to have some long term effect on him, right? In the movie, it was worse because Maki took the “easy” way out by erasing herself. Yes, she was punishing herself, but shouldn’t the more courageous thing to do was to own up to what she had done and work for Ryoichi’s (& Kyoko’s) forgiveness?

Speaking of Ryoichi’s forgiveness, I actually saw some viewers calling Ryoichi a cad for telling Maki that he would always protect her and be by her side to protect her. Apparently they seemed to think he was in love with Maki and forgot all about Kyoko. Well, I think in that moment, there were 3 things going on: 1) Takahara told him that it was better to forgive and that there will be justice in other ways, 2) he understood why it was devastating to Kyoko to remember what happened and 3) Maki was like his little sister. His immediate desire to comfort his friend overrode the anger and betrayal he might have felt. Had Maki not erased his memory around 2 minutes after, who knew if they would have a more substantial talk? He didn’t even have a chance to talk to Kyoko. (I suspect Maki would have tried to “spare him” by erasing his relationship with Kyoko as well. He still ended up at the cafe because he could remember physically going there a lot.)

Overall, I think the movie was a bit unfocused due to some extraneous storylines and having too much exposition, which was a disservice to some of the characters. It failed to show how their relationships build, like Ryoichi & Takahara became buddies over what seemed like a week! I wish they trimmed a couple of the minor stories and used that time to go deeper on the main lines.

Characters / Actors:

Yoshimura Ryoichi (Yamada Ryosuke)

I was watching the movie and halfway through when it hit me… Yamada’s Ryoichi was… normal? I mean obviously quite good looking in the boy-next-door kind of way, but Ryoichi was a regular, run-of-the-mill university student, who was normally an optimistic and forgiving but happened to be dealing with heartbreak at the moment. Seriously, if you’ve watched Yamada’s other works, his characters are usually kind of comedic, sort of pathetic, occasionally brilliant, psychotic, or… non-human. (Very odd roles for a Johnny’s actor.) He probably has not been this normal since the 24Hr drama. He still cried a lot, so that’s familiar.

OK, let’s get back on topic. Since Book Ryoichi functioned more as a character that connects the short stories rather than a real character, I didn’t have hopes for the movie version. Surprisingly, Movie Ryoichi came across as a real person and I did care what happened to him. While we didn’t get to see how Ryoichi & Kyoko were in happier times, he was able to convey the longing and slight awkwardness in their interaction when he tried to talk to her after. Similarly, in the scene where he learned of Takahara’s death, you could tell what was going through his mind even though he said nothing. Same with the final “confrontation” with Maki. Even though he didn’t say much, his eyes conveyed the emotions subtly: the longing, shock, confusion, etc. Overall, he was quite subtle and natural. As the articles say, he managed to “suppress his aura” and played an average guy. I hope he can play more of these subtle types of roles in future. (It is unfortunate that a lot of people have preconceived notions about Johnny’s actors, to put it politely. It’s like the reverse of the “fan blinder” that we sometimes get accused of having.)

Now there are some discussions as to whether he overacted in the crying scenes. The main “crying” scenes were probably 1) confession to grandpa in Hiroshima, 2) in the rain, and 3) reading the letter. I’ve seen people say he overacted in either 1) or 2).

When I first watched the Hiroshima scene, I did feel that his crying may have been a bit much because I was watching the movie with just Japanese subtitles, so I missed an important detail: Ryoichi told his mom he was going to Hiroshima to confront his past. When you consider that Ryoichi had been carrying the guilt for “causing” Maki’s kidnapping for 15 years, it was totally reasonable for him to prostrate himself in front of Grandpa. He would also be relieved when Grandpa told him the statute of limitation was over and he should forgive himself. As an aside, according to the director in the visual commentary, Yamada cried in the first take of the scene. Hirakawa said “Aren’t you crying too much?” Yamada said “OK, I’ll do another take without crying.” However, when the Director was cutting the movie together, he suddenly saw Ryoichi’s mental journey and ended up using the first take because it was the logical conclusion to the closure he got.

In the rain scene, he just learned about Kyoko’s attack. Knowing how much hurt she endured and how he did nothing to support and comfort her, he was still in a state of shock when he got knocked down. Then the dam burst and he cried hysterically. That seemed quite reasonable to me. I was more shocked that nobody checked on the guy who fell on the pavement and was crying. Pedestrians were cold! So I don’t really understand the objection to that scene. Maybe they thought this was something that happened a while ago and/or he didn’t love Kyoko that much, so he wouldn’t be that emotional?

I don’t think people have issues with the letter scene? Narratively, it made the most sense since he was close with Takahara, who was literally speaking to him from the grave via the letter. Oh, they talked about filming the letter scene in the visual commentary. Yamada was just reading the letter in silence and they added in Takahara’s narration in post production. Since he wanted to save the emotional outburst for the real take, he did not dare to look at the letter during the rehearsal.

One last thing, Yamada and Yoshine spoke in Hiroshima-ben when they were talking amongst each other. I have horrible listening skills and while I think he used some slang or phrasing, his accent still seemed mostly Kanto. It’s like if I call a bunch of people “wankers” with a Canadian accent; it doesn’t make me sound English. Maybe someone can tell me just how well (or not) he did.

Kawai Maki (Yoshine Kyoko)

I have only watched Yoshine in the drama Stay Tuned and I liked her there. She played this airhead character who could be super annoying if the balance was off, yet she came across as likeable. I think she portrayed Maki very well in this movie. Of course, I knew she was Kiokuya going in, so even at the beginning, you could see some of her subtle reactions to the Kiokuya discussions. I really liked her chemistry with Yamada - they felt like they could have been lifelong friends. While she played the annoying little sister part quite well, you could also see the pain she felt when she had to make difficult choices like erasing Nanami’s memory. Throughout the movie, you could sense her regret for what she did to Ryoichi. Her emotions in the final scene were also very raw. While Maki’s characterization was problematic, Yoshine was really good at playing that character and you might even be sympathetic towards her. Also, I feel that her Hiroshima-ben might be more on point? Some people didn’t buy that she was in love with Ryoichi the whole time. I thought the flashbacks made it pretty clear but I’ve also read the book, so there’s that.

In the visual commentary, they were talking about their various acting styles. Yoshine said she carried her emotions with her even after the director shouted cut. So when she was shooting the last scene, she was still crying furiously afterwards. Yamada said she was like an acting monster - she could get right into the emotions even during the table read. It was funny how different she is from Yamada and Renbutsu. They are the flip-the-switch type - when the director yells cut, it was like they woke up from a dream into a different world. She also apologized to Yamada when they were watching the scene where she confessed to selfishly erasing Kyoko’s memory of Ryoichi.😅

Takahara Tomoaki (Sasaki Kuranosuke)

I have not seen Sasaki’s other projects, so I had no idea what to expect. His Takahara came  across as pretty charming, easy going, and playful, though you could feel his love for his daughter and the hard decision he had to make. He also had a natural chemistry with the other cast and was very believable. While I disagree with what Takahara wanted, Sasaki’s acting as Takahara made sense. I don’t know what more to say. It is probably expected since he is a veteran and is generally well regarded as an actor.

Sawada Kyoko (Renbutsu Misako)

I have only seen Renbutsu in Hagaren. I liked her character there. I also liked how Yamada decided to break the ice with her back then by asking if she has any friends. (She had more friends than him. 😅) To be honest, there wasn’t much for her to do in this movie, although I think she was believable as the very confused Kyoko. She was apprehensive about Ryoichi in the “after” scenes, who was honestly coming across too strong. I don’t think Ryoichi & Kyoko really had crackling sexual chemistry based on the proposal scene, but they seemed like a cute couple. They were pretty cute together in the behind-the-scenes featurette when they took the “dating photos”. I wish those dates were included in the movie.

Conclusion:

As you can see above, I have some general issues about the script but I think the actors elevated the story. The movie could have been better if it streamlined some of the storylines. Right now, it was trying to go for a deeper message but the stories themselves were a bit too superficial to accomplish that. I suppose the problem was that the original novel was more like an anthology of short stories dealing with memory, so it was hard to create a through line for a movie.

[sandalaris]

DVD Commentary A: Lesson in Navigation - The End of Chapter 5? Starting with: "She wakes to the sounds of the shower running and an empty bed across the room." (it may be slightly longer than 500 words, but only by like 60, don't cut off this line: "It reminds her a little of the way he'd case a potential score, half-lost in the calculations and newly revealed details, and she fights a shiver, looking away as she ties her laces and stands." cause it's one of my favorites)

A. Send me any passage of 500 words or less from any fanfic I’ve written, and stick that selection in my ask. I will then give you the equivalent of a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what’s going on in the character’s heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you’d expect to find on a DVD commentary track.

She wakes to the sounds of the shower running and an empty bed across the room. There’s a pounding behind her eyes, a physical protest against the late night and too short hours of restless sleep, and an irritation at the world under her skin.

This was a mixture between my personal dislike of developing a crush, because it feels awful in the beginning and I don’t get anyone who says they like feeling that way, and my being convinced that Kate didn’t sleep well after her realization the night before that led to Kate waking up cranky and with a headache from a bad night’s sleep.

Not gonna lie, I’m a little proud of the line “an irritation at the world under her skin.” I made a point not to cut it when my editing almost reworded it in such a way that it didn’t work.

She wants to roll over and escape back into unconsciousness for a few more hours but the digital clock beside her tells her its already well into late morning. Her stomach grumbles in hungry protest as Kate slips from the bed, blinking groggily in the muted light from the curtained window. 

I probably spent way too long trying to figure out exactly what time motels stop serving breakfast, especially when I didn’t even specify what time it actually was that Kate woke up, but that’s a big part of writing, doing a bunch of research you never actually use. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the timeline so that I could stick as close to canon as I could, and I needed it to be late enough that they wouldn’t arrive at Uncle Eddie’s too soon but also wouldn’t have to skip out eating. Parts of the breakfast scene were already written and I really didn’t want to have to chuck them all and make them eat in the car.

The shower turns off and Seth appears a few minutes later clad in boxers and pulling his undershirt on over his head.

Seth was always going to come out in some kind of clothes, but I did amuse myself with the idea of writing him coming out in a towel and a flustered Kate grumpily dealing with that.

It’s such a small thing, I doubt anyone’s noticed or cares that much, but I try very hard to only call Seth’s white tanks “undershirts.”

Lingering patches of moisture glue the thin material along the lines of his chest and torso and Kate’s eyes catch and stick for a moment, a faint echo of heat pulsing low in her stomach.

Because now that Kate’s realized she’s attracted to him, she's going to notice such things in a way she didn’t quite before. And Seth seems like the kind of guy to not fully dry off before pulling some of his clothes back on (but not all, because pants on damp skin doesn’t work). They’ve also developed quite a bit of casual intimacy with each other by the time season two starts, and coming out in what is essentially his underwear falls under that.

I was also wanted to touch on the idea that Kate finds her feelings/attraction to him a bit inconvenient. Not only does she have to deal with everything else going on in her life, she’s now distracted by Seth in a damp undershirt and runs the risk of being caught staring.

I’m also asexual and do not understand the appeal of visual stimuli in a purely sexual context. I read a lot various slowburn romances dealing with sexual attraction in hopes that I could get Kate’s physical attraction/noticing of Seth across in this and the chapters following. I know this is just a short line, but “a faint echo of heat pulsing low in her stomach” was practically agonized over as I tried to figure out if that was something that was plausible. *shrug* It’s easier to imagine/write about when there’s touching and/or emotions involved.

He pauses when he sees her, gaze flicking down to her bare feet before coming back up to her sleep mussed hair.

“Sleeping Beauty finally wakes,” he greets almost cheerfully and Kate scowls at him.

It’s a cliche and I don’t care, Seth one-hundred percent noticed her wearing his shirt and only his shirt, especially with her just-out-of-bed hair. He’s also more than a little amused by Kate’s sleepy state, because sleepy people are adorable and you can’t convince me otherwise.

The fandom refers to Kate as a Disney princess enough that I just had to put a reference in as well. :P And Seth will take a teasing opportunity when it presents itself, especially after last night and her new awareness of him. And I’m stopping there because I do have his version of this scene written and I don’t want to spoil everything that’s going through his head.

And of course, grumpy!Kate.

Seth, she’d discovered shortly into their life on the road, is a morning person. Even when hungover he’s able wake-up fairly alert and ready to get moving, while Kate has always needed time to shed the lingering effects of sleep. “Get dressed. Breakfast ends in forty-five minutes.” 

“Yeah yeah,” she mumbles, rolling her eyes as she heads towards the now vacant bathroom.

I took most of that from canon and just expanded on it a bit. We only see him wake up the once, but he definitely got up and got moving really quickly. It wasn’t much to decide that he’s a morning person.

She finds her clothes folded haphazardly on the bathroom counter, pausing with a flash of muted embarrassment at the sight of her underwear sitting on top of her jeans.

It amused me to think of Seth catching sight of Kate’s clothes on the shower and then having to pull them down and poorly folding them. Just the domesticity of it, of sharing a living space with another person and all those little things that you end up doing/seeing. But it also takes on a different, more embarrassing context when you like someone and you realize they’ve seen your bra and panties sitting out.

It’s ridiculous, Seth must have seen every article of clothing she owns at some point or another, either when doing laundry or because life in one room motels doesn’t leave a lot of space for modesty, but there’s something about knowing he had to pull her delicates down from the top of the shower curtain that leave her self-conscious and eyeing the simple faded green cotton critically.  

I was thinking of those moments when you run into your crush and suddenly you’re thinking about how your shirt still has that coffee stain from this morning or how messy you’re desk/apartment/workspace/etc looks and just becoming suddenly self-conscious of how they are taking in you and your stuff. And again, the whole he saw her bra and panties thing and then had to move them out of the way.

She shakes it off, brushing her teeth and using the restroom quickly before pulling on her panties and jeans.

I’ll admit, this line was mostly because I didn’t want to forget that these are people and they need to do basic human things like use the restroom.

Her shirt from the day before is full of weird wrinkles and her bra still too damp from where the lightly padded cups absorbed their fair share of water and she hesitates only a moment before shoving them both in the plastic shopping bag.

Part of this was an excuse to get Kate in Seth’s shirt for a bit longer (for reasons), although the bra part was more inspired because I noticed Kate wears bras with slight padding and I know they can take too long to dry.

Folding the sleeves of Seth’s shirt up to her elbows and removing the smudges of make-up from below her eyes go a long way to making her look presentable, but she still morns the loss of her few cosmetics and face wash. Or god, even a hairbrush, running her fingers through her hair only does so much.

I hadn’t entirely realized the implications of Kate and Seth running into Carlos right after their dinner and then having to flee until the conversation Kate had with Sonja in the parking lot. (I’m a pantser, I set write something and then think about the consequences after :P) In the first draft, Seth didn’t come back with anything after getting a room so there was no bag or Tylenol for Kate’s headache or toothbrushes. But he also didn’t get much, and I wanted to show the consequences of running with virtually nothing and how much you miss the little things.

Seth’s brows knit together when he sees her, but he doesn’t comment.

Seth and seeing her wearing his damn shirt and the statement it implies... yeah...

He watches her though, throwing on his suit jacket and buttoning it closed as Kate pulls on her socks and shoes, something thoughtful and a bit intense behind his eyes. It reminds her a little of the way he'd case a potential score, half-lost in the calculations and newly revealed details, and she fights a shiver, looking away as she ties her laces and stands.

Seth is a strategist guy, and when he’s casing a job he’s figuring out angles and how to best approach. He knows how to work the job, how to study all the pieces and get everything set up to give himself the best possible outcome. Its a rather focused look he has, his attention devoted on gathering as much information as he can and working out the steps he’ll need to take. Not to imply that Kate is something he's going to steal (although he kind of already did that) or that he’s got some grand master plan here, but rather this newly discovered (on her part) possibility between them and the statement she’s subconsciously implying and just this shift in their relationship... there’s a strategy to courtship and Seth knows strategy.

“C’mon,” she mutters, shoving what little possessions they have into the bottom of her bag. “I’m hungry.”

I’ll be entirely honest, I struggled way too much with how to end this scene. I swear that line gave me more trouble than the rest of the scene combined.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Director’s Commentary- Lovesick Side Effects, Lance recites his poem in public

My commentary is in bold italics!

With each poet who went up, Lance felt his limbs get weaker and weaker. Part of him wondered if he was going to pass out if he even tried to stand. Lol, honestly me projecting what it feels like to me every time I sign up to perform something. 

“Love, are you okay?” Keith whispered in his ear. “Do you want to leave?” 

“No, no I’m okay. I’m just… taking it all in.” 

Keith nodded and wrapped his arm around Lance’s torso to pull him in and rest his head on his shoulder. I just like gentle touches… also it was a struggle to keep Keith oblivious without making him look like a total dumbass for not catching on so I banked heavily on him thinking the poetry readings were just making Lance upset. 

After a few more performers, the host for the night went up to the microphone. “Alright, how’s everybody feeling?” The crowd responded with a cheer. “That’s what I like to hear! Okay, our next poet is new to the Spider House, so I want everyone to please give a big warm welcome to Lance McClain!” so spider house is real!!! It's in austin and I actually went there. Not for a poetry reading but they do those too. But yeah, this wasn't a huge reveal, I mean all the readers know what's happening. Originally I really wanted it to be as much of a surprise for readers as it was for Keith but so many of you guessed what would happen that I just embraced it. I do think it's better that you all got to join Lance on that experience. 

“What?” 

Lance gulped and stood up before he could think about it too much. He walked toward the stage as the host guided him to the stairs with a smile. “All yours,” she said, gesturing to the mic stand. 

“Thanks,” he said nervously. He walked up to the microphone, taking in all the people looking at him. Keith was frozen in the booth, staring at the stage in shock while Hunk and Pidge were both biting their nails. So, yeah, Hunk and Pidge knew. But they're still super nervous FOR Lance! It's a big deal and well Keith is still catching up. He isnt familiar with the version of Lance who goes on stage to read his poetry, especially since he was being so secretive about the poems. Of course. This is Lance, and Lance loves big gestures. “Hi everyone,” he said into the mic. “Uh… It’s been a long time since I’ve been on a stage and… recited anything, so I’m so nervous I think my legs are visibly shaking.” my legs did this once it was awful, so oof He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair. The movement made his cologne waft toward him and he took another deep breath to root himself. The cologne wafting was supposed to be a callback to Allura. To the idea of having her there still, and having that security of knowing he can let them both exist and be loved in his heart without taking it from the other if that makes sense. I really tried adding as many "signs" as I could without making it cheesy or unrealistic aha. “This is new shit-” 

A chorus of people yelling back, “New shit!” interrupted him. This shit happens and it's glorious. It shows how interactive slam poetry or just recited poetry can be. It was familiar and encouraging and it made him smile. 

He dug into his pocket and pulled out a copy of the poem he’d revised time and time again. “I think I’ve got it memorized, but… like I said, it’s been a while, so….” plus anxiety can get the best of you. A cheer from the back made him smile again as he shut his eyes. Poetry crowds are SUPER supportive even when it's a complete stranger. Like the whole room understands and respects what it is to put poetry, this personal thing created by someone, out in the open to everyone and so everyone is super respectful and reactive and that was a big thing here for Lance especially when his poem gets harder to push through. 

“There was a time when, my mouth gave way to words as easily as, my lungs breathed. I imagine this with a certain beat or rhythm. People reciting poetry tend to move and speak a certain way that makes it kind of like a rap, it's hard to explain. I wrote about my aunt’s curly hair callback to the poem veronica mentioned way back! and my first crush, I wrote about the confusing cracks in my voice and the strange way my sister got angry at everything. Puberty. Just to show how the biggest and smallest things gave him a reason to write. Then I wrote about a girl, so beautiful she redefined existing.” okay so this line hit me as I was writing. Because I didnt want to make a typical comparison of beauty. While experiences can be universal, some things require uniqueness and I really needed his affection for Allura to show that. The phrase "redefined existing" just hit me as I was typing and it felt right. It felt perfect. It's not just living that gets affected, shes not beautiful like a rose shes just… so beautiful it made Lance have to redefine what it was to exist. To exist with her as a friend, as a lover. To exist without her. The idea of someone being so beautiful as to redefine existing, i think, lets the beauty remain ambiguous while at the same time pinpointing it to this one person in an emotional sense. Lance paused and took a shaky breath, preparing himself for the next line, for bringing the memory out for everyone else to feel. vulnerability. we know this concept well by now, huh? “The day I lost her I lost, my words- I tried to fit my grief my sorrow into pages, too thin to hold them. Also came up with that line on a whim and I was really proud of it. I liked the imagery of pain and sorrow so heavy that it weighs pages down. The concept of tears soaking through pages and making them fragile. The idea that all of his feeling just couldnt fit into a poem or a page. My words tasted….” Lance gulped and clenched his fist pressing it to his chest. The fist is because when I imagined him talking, I imagine him using his hands. Up to his mouth, spread out as if touching pages, bringing them down to demonstrate the weight I mentioned before. And before he can bring up his fist to pantomime the dirt in the next line, hes overwhelmed and well, he uses his heartbeat as well as the cologne scent on his wrist as a tether by touching his fist to his chest.

A few scattered claps encouraged him. He heard Hunk call out, “You got this, Lance!” at this point everyone knows how vulnerable and sensitive this is. And they know he needs support. Seriously, watch slam poetry videos the way crowds react is beautiful. 

He took a breath again and swallowed. “My words tasted like the dirt that slipped, from my fingers and into her grave.” His words began to shake, and he knew he couldn’t stop it, so he just tried to keep going. “They tasted like the last kiss, I shared with her, they tasted like, the goodbye I-" He broke off and cursed under his breath. He grabbed the microphone with the hand holding the poem and bowed his head. A stronger round of claps filled the break until he was able to pick his head back up and speak into the mic. “Like, the goodbye I never got to give her. They tw-twisted inside of me, clogged my throat until, I suffocated, they turned loss into, my own death. Here I imagined him twisting his hands, pantomiming a claw at his throat, pressing his hands against his chest harshly. I became an unrecognizable, shadow of myself, with a dimmed soul and a muted heart.” callback to his conversation with his mom when he told her about Keith! He opened his eyes, ignoring the tears that managed to slide down his cheeks, a small smile on his face. And here comes the transition. I really wanted to be careful with how much of the poem I gave Allura because she deserved more than a couplet, but I also didnt want the poem to be split in half. In the end this is a love poem to Keith. And they both know, hey Allura is gonna be part of this, and yes her presence may fluctuate, but I know what I feel for you and I'm not guilty and it's not a shadow or an echo. But this is who she was for me and while she taught me what it is to love, you taught me to love again. Kind of parallel to when he tells Keith that Allura made poetry easy but Keith brought it back into his life. I also wanted the transition to be tasteful not just BUT ANYWAY THEN WE FUCKED. Like. It's not that he just got over her it's that he genuinely felt the change and let it happen let that light back. “Then you walked into my life. It wasn’t a fairytale start- with longing gazes, across a cafe, or shoulders brushing, as we rushed to class, love at first sight…. It wasn't conventional, you could say haha. It was the bass beating under my feet,(music) at a stranger’s house, and barley breath (beer) note the repeated "b" sounds heh, literary devices yall.  forming a question that turned, my universe inside out- it was you. Our beginning wasn’t easy, I can’t really tell you when it began- was it that night your lips first touched mine or, was it the night you shared a piece, of the pain that built the walls around your heart?(roland, aka when Keith's attitude changed too) It was you, this new discovery, note the line break here. "This new discovery" while the full phrase is "this new discovery of me" the beauty of written poetry is finding the hidden lines and double meanings in line breaks that might say more or something different than the full phrase. In this case, the new discovery of feeling that way about a boy, the desire he felt, while at the same new discovery of a part of his identity and then it continues to: of me and what my heart could, hold. It was you, brushing the dust from, my heart and breathing life, back into it with every nose-scrunched smile, holding it in leather-clad hands until, it began to beat again, again, the line break here serves to emphasize the important part "it (my heart) began to beat again" When written that would be isolated and a focal point until I became the opposite of a shadow- you made me light both in terms of weight and luminescence the heavy feeling of loss became less, but hes also "not dim anymore"…. You made me warm…. Your kisses brought poetry back, to my tongue, made the words bloom in my chest until, they burst from my mouth, they taste like hot chocolate, dandelions and firsts and prayers. You taught me that, my heart could love two people, and you loved me for it. You showed me the, magic in small moments. You taught me… that, a boy could give a boy flowers, without the world exploding. You showed me a new side of resilience. Keiths resilience is something Lance really fell for and I think he mentions that in the chapter where they stay at Keith's and run in the rain and share a bath and all that fluff  You taught me, not to live in the past not to live for the future, but to exist, now with you�� in a universe we’ve created and let that, be enough I hope I can be, again, line break! "Be enough I hope I can be" is kind of Lance's internal dialogue despite the line being half part of the previous phrase and half part of the following. Hes telling himself to be enough and that he hopes he can be but it's also of course part of the whole. enough for you.” He let his eyes fall to the booth where Keith was standing by the table with a hand at his mouth. Keith was absolutely standing for several reasons. He had half a mind to run up to the stage and kiss him. He had a lot of energy from the shock. When lance started to cry, he got up because he wanted to him. Hes anxious to touch him. Hes completely enraptured by Lance. He gets wrapped up in him when he recites poems, now hes performing it and it's meant for him and…. Yeah. Keith is aching to hold Lance. “Our beginning, wasn’t easy- wasn’t a fairytale. But I promise, there won't be an end I promise, you forever after I promise, again. Line breaks. There wont be an end I promise. (It's) You forever after I promise. Small pieces that are whole while also being parts of a whole. Poetryyyyy. Half the work is in the line breaks and it affe ts how one might read it aloud too! poems that will find new ways, to remind you, I love you.” how could I not end with I love you? 

Lance smiled and sniffed, keeping his eyes on Keith. “Surprise, mi vida.” okay. So I had no idea how I was supposed to bring him back from ALL OF THAT and… I mean yeah. Surprise, Keith. That was all for you. Lance did say he needed to find a new way to make it a surprise for you. 

[oh-boleyn]

anne / infamy

words: 5733, one shot, language: english

anne / jane / katherine / catherine

tw: there are suicidal thoughts, eating disorders (no vomiting), mentions of being acussed of incest, miscarriages, death, being beheaded, trouble sleeping and I don't know what else, tell me if you think I should add something.

it is heavily bassed on my other one shot katherine, but still can read it as a separate thing. it is kind of a character study, or something like that. I haven't read it whole in one sit so it might not be really good but oh well, it’s done.

the commentary between scenes are things I got from internet about anne boleyn.

Anne Boleyn – “The Great Whore”

(…)

She suddenly can breathe.

She does it quickly, fearing the air might go out soon. Fixing her eyes, she can see Catherine of Aragon —great, she is like dead— but then she sees Jane Seymour.

Wasn’t she supposed to be alive?

There are three other women, who she has no clue who they are. But the six of them are sitting in a room, and she has a bad feeling in her gut, or maybe is just Jane presence that doesn’t make her any happier.

(…)

The memory of Anne Boleyn has always accreted extraordinary excrescences: an alleged large wart on her face, a fabled sixth finger on one hand, and a whole host of other half-truths.

(…)

They are all living in a house that could only be labeled as too small.

Anne ends up sharing a bedroom with two queens she doesn’t know before arriving in this century. One of them is a total stranger, whose name isn’t even in her mind. She talks half German and speaks about Edward as king and Mary as queen, which is something idyllic Anne never thought will happen. The other one is none other than her cousin.

Her cousin, who is younger, and even in reincarnation she is. Who doesn’t talk as much, and keeps to herself. Her cousin who was a child. She tries her best to make her feel welcomed to the new century, even when she has to put a façade because she is terrified of it too.

Anne is scared out of her mind, but as she was taught, she keeps a smile on her face and a flirty tone in her voice.

(…)

There’s no smoke without a fire and that she was partially guilty.

(…)

The Internet is a great way to look for information, she learns.

She also learns about her daughter, her sweet kid who she left behind. She reads for days, when Anna and Katherine are long asleep, she takes her phone and reads. About the conquers, the golden age, how she was loved, how she never married.

And Anne tries to be happy, she really does try, but it doesn’t work.

There is always a feeling of regret on her chest, of the idea that she might 've been able to see her daughter grow if it wasn’t because she couldn’t bear the king a son.

Boleyn cries silently while trying to make peace with the idea that her daughter was a great monarch, who died five hundred years ago.

(…)

Another might be that she was indeed a loose-living lady.

(…)

Whore was a word that sat heavy on her stomach.

She knew what was, and what wasn’t her fault, but still the cheers when her head hits the ground haunt her in her nightmares, and sometimes during the day.

The first time they do the show, there is tension and anxiety around them, around what they are going to say. She thinks to try and be honest, to really tell her story, but she can’t bring herself to do so. She protects herself saying almost nothing new, nothing outside what anyone could’ve read in a history book, because it’s easier, and it’s safer. It’s better to be an airhead than not having a head at all. Anne doesn’t need the pity of four hundred persons a day like Jane does.

But when they finished their performance, the cheers became so much that she needs to run from there, because she can swear people acted just like the day she lost her head.

(…)

Perhaps Henry’s reactions were harsh by our standards, but they were not irrational.

(…)

“Anne, wake up.” She feels a gentle hand on her back.

Boleyn opens her eyes, trying to take in what she is watching. She is in the kitchen, having fallen asleep on the kitchen table while doing her research on her daughter. The hand comes from none other than Catherine Parr.

“You should go to your room, Kat and Anna might be waiting for you.”

The last queen talks in such a maternal way that makes Anne want to punch her in the face. She had a chance to be Elizabeth’s mother, but instead sent her away. Jeopardized her daughter’s wellbeing, and then sent her away if blogs were true.

(To the very core of her heart, Anne was jealous. Envious of the fact that Elizabeth probably remembered more of Catherine Parr rather than her own mother.)

Anne stood up, going to her bedroom.

“Goodnight Anne.”

“Night, Parr.”

(…)

Anne Boleyn: witch, bitch, temptress.

(…)

When they finally move to a bigger house, Anne takes the attic.

It is the room farthest away from the rest of the queens, which gives her a feeling of release from them. The chance to ignore them as much as she wants. If she could be honest, except for her cousin Kitty, she is not too keen on the rest of them.

There is a voice inside of her that is constantly telling her that they don’t like her either, and that she should probably just ignore them before they do that to her. To have the dominance of the situation.

Having control was always something she craved. The upper hand was nothing else than the final objective. Not controlling things made her feel powerless, numb and weak to the outside world.

So she tried to have everything under her hands.

(…)

Scandal of Christendom.

(…)

“Kitty, I bought new chokers.” Anne says one day, entering her cousin’s room.

“Great.” She responds, smiling.

Her smile looks tight, not quite exactly pleased. Anne gulps and get the accessories on her hands.

“I thought you might like the pink ones, after all you wear a lot of pink.” She passes Katherine pieces of pink fabric.

“And you wear a lot of green.”

“What can I say? It’s my brand.”

She bites down a bitter laugh. That stupid excuse of a poem Henry allegedly wrote to her. About green sleeves.

He wrote her every day, gave her gifts, showered her with affection. Anne would love to remember those days as happy and easier, but instead she was plagued with remembering how the other ladies looked at her, how Catherine of Aragon sat so calmly, calling her a witch who had the fault of everything. She didn’t want it, any of it. Hated being the talk of the court, being the whore.

“Are you okay, Annie?” Katherine asks. Anne tries to put a good face.

“Yes, just Aragon getting on my nerves.” She says, sitting on the younger’s bed. Her words are not a lie, but not the entire truth. “I’m sure she hates me. It’s not news, we have known for like, I don’t know, five hundred years. But I hoped it would change.”

The last of it comes as a surprise, she wasn’t trying to say that. A slip of her mind.

“I’m sure she hates me too.”

“Why would you say that KitKat?” Anne frowns. “Did she say something to you?”

Concern starts rising from inside her. Katherine had nothing to do with her, and her acts from her past life shouldn’t backfire on her little cousin. Her mind works mechanically, going back into memories trying to find a moment of fury between the other two queens.

Katherine talks before Anne can hyperventilate: “No, but I’m sure she is not too fond of me. Mary wasn’t.”

Mary.

Just saying that name brings regrets to her. She should’ve been kinder, better. It was all her fault for not being the bigger person, for not acting like a real adult. That is something she can understand from Aragon, her hate towards someone who was apparently treating her child in an awful way.

She stops her train of thoughts, knowing she is just spiralling into the big nothing.

Anne looks at Kitty and wonders if she would’ve liked her back in their old lives.

“I love this pink.” Katherine breaks the silence.

(She is sure she would, after all, she loves her so much in this life, that she will probably love her in any other.)

(…)

Someone made a film about her sister; she discovers one day while idling on YouTube.

The other Boleyn girl.

Anne does not watch it whole; she doesn’t want to, but there is a scene posted that she can’t ignore. She wishes she could’ve, but instead touches the screen of her phone and regrets it while tears start forming on her eyes.

She quickly goes through the Wikipedia page.

That movie made eighty million dollars.

Eighty million dollars made out of her, of a scene where she is almost committing incest.

She feels sick, down to her very core. Anne feels sick of the idea of someone believing she did that, of people watching her (or not her, but rather someone who is portraying her) do that. She starts crying, losing air quickly and having trouble breathing. Her mind goes from the movie, to the Wikipedia page, to the day she was at the tower, watching George getting murdered.

The feeling of being helpless, impotent, of knowing she will never erase that scene from the mind of whoever saw it. Nobody will ever really, truly believe her she wasn’t the one to fault. The loss of control over her own story breaks her from inside.

Anne does not sleep that night.

(…)

Control stars spreading through her mind, as a plague.

First it is the little things, controlling how much shampoo she used while bathing, or how much money she had saved so far. Then it increases, controlling every hashtag on her social media account, and begging Anna to not post videos of her unless she authorizes them.

She can feel Jane’s glace on her while she reprimands Anna and it’s enough to make her feel disgusted by herself.

But she can’t help it, she needs to be in control of what she does, what other people think of her. Anne goes back to her days in court, and how she had to control what she said, thinking every word that ever comes out of her mouth as if a death warrant is waiting for her at the end of the day.

On 1536, it was.

(…)

A cold-hearted, husband-stealing bitch, who, from the moment she arrived at the English court, had her eyes firmly set on the crown, stopping at nothing to get it.

(…)

Anna sits in Anne's room, while they are going over their clothes, trying to pick an outfit to wear that night. They decided to try a bar for the first time, with music, alcohol and all the other things that are supposed to be in a bar.

“I like this one.” Cleves show the younger a translucent green shirt. “Try it on.”

She obliges, asking the other queen to turn around while she is changing. Her black bra can be seen through the thin fabric of the shirt, and she is relieved when she realizes her jeans are high-waisted. Suddenly while looking in the mirror she feels huge, with the clothes tightly wrapped around her.

“You look hot.”

“You think so?” Anne questions.

“Yes, I love it.”

Boleyn considers it for a moment and wonders if brutally-honest Anna is lying for the first time.

She pushes that thought aside and decides to wear it.

(…)

It is easy to see Anne as some vicious monster.

(…)

Anne sometimes prays, even if she is no longer sure of what God and religion means.

It might be because it’s what she is used to doing, but sometimes the second queen relies on it as the only thing that she can keep from her old life. Nights and nights praying to God for a healthy baby boy that might take the kingdom one day, and secure her place as queen. At some point it changes, asking for forgiveness to her brother and the other men who had been convicted. Her last prayer goes for Elizabeth, begging internally to let her have a life.

Praying never truly works, but it still calms her when things become too hard.

Anne thinks that she only calls it God because she wants to, but calling it destiny, force, or any other term would be the same. People need to believe in something greater than themselves, to try and obtain a calm that would only be granted if you were mad (or sane) enough to be blind against it.

(…)

Anne apparently grabbed Mary’s hair and pulled it in a fit of fury when she found out Mary had married for love to a nobody.

(…)

Control starts haunting her more after the first few months.

The idea of being back in the spotlight is terrifying, counting with how many opinions people have, and how easy it is to distribute it. She knows she can’t control every single aspect of her life, but will try to do so in order to feel more secure.

Anne slowly finds herself eating less and less, and it calms her mind. She forces herself to watch food, be around it, and just eat what her mind needs, not what it wants. It’s a way to overcome temptation, to prove to herself and others that she has the discipline needed.

Sometimes she wonders if it’s healthy or not, or overthinks too much about what she ate in a day, but tries to be as conscious and healthy as she can be, it shouldn’t be a bad thing.

(…)

She appears inconsistent-religious yet aggressive, calculating yet emotional.

(…)

Being in the bar is not as bad as the first time. The loud music and dark atmosphere are quite a view. The tables and the quantity of people make her remember the court, and how the nobles would sit on a celebration, but it is something totally different from what she is used to seeing.

“Anne, what do you think I should drink?” Her cousin asks.

“Nothing too heavy, you are not used to drinking. Maybe something sweet, with fruit.” She searches through the drinks written on the board. “Try a screwdriver, it’s orange juice and vodka. It’s not too sweet nor bitter, you might like it.”

“Corrupting the girl much, Anne?” Anna laughs. “I will ask for one Kat, you can try a sip from mine.”

Katherine smiles tensely, nodding lightly with her head.

“I will have a shot of tequila.” Anne announces to the barman.

The man quickly prepares it, letting it on the table, with salt and a slice of lemon. While Anna asks for her screwdriver, Anne takes the lemon.

Was it lemon, then shot, then salt? Or the other way around?

She considers, letting the lemon back in the counter and taking a pinch of salt, drowning the shot in one move and then getting the slice on her mouth.

“Is it good?” Kat asks, watching the displeasure on Anne’s face.

“I like it, but you should probably start with something lighter Kitty.” She lies.

Tequila definitely doesn’t have a good taste, but it was still good. Strong enough to make her tolerate through the night, but not as much to leave her out of her mind.

“Bloody Mary?” Katherine wonders out loud.

“What?” Aragon moves forward, inspecting the sign with the different cocktails.

She quickly turns around, walking towards the exit. Anne makes a gesture to Anna, commanding her to stay with Kitty while she’s gone. Instead of walking to the exit, she goes back to their table, where Jane and Catherine are talking over their non-alcoholic beverages.

“Aragon just saw that there is a cocktail named Bloody Mary.” She lips, her speech getting slurred for the previous shot. “I would have gone with her, but I think she wouldn’t appreciate it as much.”

Parr quickly takes action, grabbing her purse. “I will go, you did the right thing.” She smiles, a hand reaching for Anne, touch she doesn’t reject.

“I will go too.” Jane says. “Thank you, Anne.”

“Text me if we can help.” Boleyn smiles. “We will text when we get home.”

The two queens disappear, crossing the door while Anne sits. She feels dizzy, clearly a little tipsy, but not enough to make her lose her senses or similar. A concern for the first queen is clearly in her mind, even if she tries to ignore it. Anne shouldn’t care about Aragon, after all they were never friends. The older hated her from the very beginning, even if that was most probably because of her sister being the king’s mistress.

“What happened? Where is Aragon?” Kit interrogates her cousin, sitting with her screwdriver in one hand and another colourful drink in the other.

“Parr and Seymour are behind her; they will text if help is needed. Let’s just relax.”

“If you say so…” The younger says, unconvinced. “We brought this thing, it has strawberry and tequila, want to try?”

(…)

Anne, Destroyer of Marriages and Churches.

(…)

At first, she truthfully had it under dominion.

Anne didn’t think of it as a risk, but speculating how much she was eating became not enough, so she moved on to the next thing, counting calories. A website said that she needed around a thousand eight hundred calories a day, which seemed normal for her, except that another one recommended way less.

She settles for the smaller number, trusting herself and the fact that if she feels bad, going back to eating more wouldn’t be a problem.

(…)

I guess it’s possible that, while in France, Anne learned not just blow-job skills but also black-magic skills. Who even knows what goes on in France?

(…)

They are driving back to the house, but Katherine had been replaced by the other Catherine, Parr.

“Why don’t we put some music?” Anna tries to ease the air.

“I’m really worried about Katherine, I’m sorry but I don’t have the mind space for music right now.” Anne replies, face stern.

“She is going to be okay.” Parr tries to calm her down. “Katherine is strong, we know that. We saw her as queen, and she went through it as graciously as she could.”

There is a silence forming, before Anne decides to break it. “I forget that you’ve known her for longer than I have.”

She releases a dry laugh.

“It’s okay, we can always tell you about our past if you want to.” Catherine says, softer.

“That much is true.” Anna seconds.

“I… I wish to know more about Elizabeth.”

For a moment, Parr faces changes. Anne doesn’t feel bothered by it, instead she feels touched. The survivor’s face had changed from neutral to quasi sad, and the beheaded swears she knows that feeling.

She knows deep inside that blaming Parr for being Elizabeth's mother figure is nothing but wrong. Her daughter truly needed someone, and she was long dead and forgotten. It was hard to rely on what happened with Henry, after all he claimed love. The king moved an entire country just for her, broke England for the Church so they could get married.

It was hard to understand that it wasn’t love, just a sick obsession.

“I will tell you.” The last queen almost whispers.

“Thank you, but tonight let’s focus on Katherine.”

(…)

A downright nasty creature.

(…)

Anne starts feeling faint and unsteady one morning.

She knew as soon as she woke up that it was going to be a bad day. Her stomach was making noise, and twisting and it even hurt. As much as she wanted to eat, she preferred having control. It soothed her, made her feel just numb enough to feel a little more peaceful.

Anne remembered days after the miscarriages. How much her body would hurt, and how it all felt dizzy and slow. When it was worse, time seemed to stop, slow down. Instead of feeling a minute had passed it felt like an hour. Laying in bed was never something she truly enjoyed.

Trying to shake thoughts away, she stood up, her vision going black for a moment. Changing into her clothes was almost hard, but she went through it.

Once downstairs she settles to eat some fruit, trying to reduce the headache she is having. Katherine enters the kitchen looking pale and tired, and grabs a cup of coffee. They talked about it, Anne tried to make Katherine not drink as much caffeine, to reduce or stop drinking energy drinks that later settled bad on her stomach, but she didn’t want to push the matter.

Anne felt bad enough for her doble moral of pushing Katherine to be healthier while she was eating less and less each day.

(…)

The film depicted Anne Boleyn dabbling in witchcraft, taking a potion to bring on the miscarriage of a baby (which turns out to be monstrously deformed) and having a “witch taker” help to bring her down.

(…)

Anne was crying her eyes out in the bedroom, feeling silly and equally foolish.

Losing control and binge eating were just so stressful that once she realized how bad it was, she wouldn’t stop. Instead just losing herself along with her domination over food, to then wanting to beat herself up for it. Along it came losing her temper with Anna, who didn’t exactly do anything wrong except asking if everything was alright.

Her breath was becoming more and more rapidly, letting her gasp for air.

Boleyn was sure of how wrong it was of her to be doing it, to not control herself and stop the goddamn crying. It was unbecoming of anyone her status, and if the court had seen her like this she would have been executed way sooner. She was tired of being a fragile, emotional moron.

Everyone thought of her as someone above it all, calculating and smart, who turned things her way, but people never tried to sincerely try and see beyond it. She was ambitious, sure, but that didn’t mean her emotions were straight up fake. It was also hard to see it nowadays, where people didn’t hold the same opinions of what women should be doing, but still tried to push the witchy temptress narrative on her.

Anne was just incapable of keeping her façade of being strong.

(…)

A downright nasty creature.

(…)

“Anne, can we talk?” Catherine Parr asks, entering the other queen’s bedroom.

“Yes, sure.”

Her heart is beating fast, growing nervous of what the other queen might want to say.

“I want to be straight forward, and I’m sorry if it sounds rude…” the survivor takes a pause. “I have noticed you lost weight.”

Anne’s heart stops suddenly, but she manages to put on a smile.

“It’s just because of the show, working out a lot and eating the same. But I’m okay, truly.” She brushes it with a laugh.

“Don’t lie, please.” Cathy’s eyes water. “I’m worried. A lot.”

“You shouldn’t, I’m okay, and if I ever need help, I will talk to you.” Guilt creeps from inside.

Catherine just nods.

(…)

I also think she deserved to die.

(…)

Anne wasn’t sure if she was still upset and resentful toward Jane or Catherine. Both Catherines.

Once upon a time she hated the plain, blonde woman who just stole her husband and sent her to death, but thinking with perspective, it wasn’t at all Jane’s fault. Jane was no clueless, sweet innocent either, Anne was sure she wasn’t, but she wasn’t guilty. Jane was just like her, saw an opportunity and took it. Her death sentence was formed by not being a noble woman, miscarrying three pregnancies and a man with more power than any man should have.

It was hard to think of the woman as not her rival, but rather a friend. It was also forward probably.

Jane was not perfect, nor a saint. The woman had a range of multiple defects and virtues, as any other of them. She played the game and almost got out victorious, if it wasn’t because God had other plans. Anne found herself liking her more when true colours started showing, discussions, screaming. She might have never truly hated Jane to begin with, but despised how she seemed perfect, something Anne craved her whole life, but instead always failed to do so.

(…)

Today, she would probably be diagnosed as being a sociopath.

(…)

“I think I sometimes hate technology.” Anne says. “Why does it work so low sometimes, I have been trying to get the page to reload for like a minute.”

“Maybe you don’t have patience.” Anna retorts. “Just wait a moment, the internet will come back before you even notice it. Why don’t you sit and eat some apple pie?”

It is sitting on the centre of the table, one slice already eaten. Anne wonders, trying to remember how many calories it could have. Calculations going quickly through her head, but before finishing them she decides to stop. It was wrong, and she was tired of it.

“Yeah, that sounds good. Want some tea?” She moves, preparing everything to heat the water.

“Yes, please.”

Anna grabs another plate, setting a slice of apple pie on it. Catherine enters the room, with a book in her hands and an empty coffee mug.

“I want pie.” Parr states.

“Magic word?” Anne teases the survivor.

“Je t'aime beau cul.”

Boleyn bursts out laughing.

“What? What did I say wrong?”

“You pronounced bad the last part, it’s beaucoup, no beau cul.”

Seeing as Anne still can’t contain herself, Anna proceeds to question: “Why is it so funny? She just messed up pronunciation, it’s not that bad.”

“Instead of saying ‘I love you so much’ she said “I love you, nice ass’.”

It is enough to make Parr chuckle and Anna start giggling.

“Don’t worry, mon petit chou.” Anne grabs a plate and settles another slice of the pie. “A sweet, to a sweetheart.”

She winks an eye to Parr, who can’t contain her smile.

(…)

She was just naive to a very severe scale.

(…)

“Catherine.” Anne calls.

They are the only ones in the house, being Catherine’s night off, and the fact that Anne could barely stand without her blood pressure going really low. Her body was reacting badly to the lack of nutrition, even when she added more calories and food, some days were just awful.

“Yes, Anne?” The older queen asks.

“I wanted to apologize for our past life. I never said it to you, but I’m sorry for what happened. I can’t imagine what being far from Mary could have been, and I shouldn’t have been so cynical about it.”

“It’s fine.” Catherine says, trying to smile. “We were different back then.”

“I am not.” Anne speaks easily. “I haven’t changed. I’m just not a good person and… And I wanted power. I wanted to be queen, to have control.”

“That is not bad.” Aragon tries to go slowly, to not say something she might later regret. “I think that is something we both have in common, control. I wished every night I would have the chance to escape the tower, and I wished for nothing else rather than to be free. I will admit it, being in a high rank gave me that. I always had some control, call it my title or a powerful family member by my side.”

Catherine locks eyes with Boleyn.

“You just wanted to have control over your own life, and not have to sacrifice yourself and your reputation for your family.” She touches Anne’s shoulders. “But you didn’t. We are women, we didn’t have a say in anything. Don’t assume you had control over Henry, because we know that’s not true, but you know what? You can breathe now, he is gone. You don’t have to work so hard for control, because you have it. You are free to be yourself, Boleyn.”

The queen is shaking, almost sobbing. The Spanish kisses her head in a sweet manner.

“And I’m rooting for the day you decide to do so.”

(…)

 I'm sure Anne was an inspiration to the Grimms for the character of the evil stepmother. 

(…)

Eating starts to get more and more lawless.

Her calorie counting apps are left untouched for days, maybe even weeks, but that doesn’t mean her habits get better, they just get wilder. Eating a lot sometimes, and other days barely touching her meal. It’s not quite better, she knows that, but she feels more at ease. Letting go of her rules it’s a difficult task, and two steps forward and three steps behind is not a good thing, but it’s just the bare minimum.

Getting a medical check up also contributes to how she acts. Apparently, there is something called anemia and the doctor asks her if she lost a lot of blood recently.

(She thinks for a moment if consulting how much blood you lose when someone chops your head off, but decides to go against it and say that she didn’t.)

Iron supplements are quite horrible, and it tastes like blood, mixed with the orange juice she now has to drink every morning. Tomatoes and lettuce were truly better back in the old days when it had actually taste, and wasn’t just watery genetically modified seeds.

It helps with her low blood pressure, and it makes her feel grateful for being able to stand up fast without seeing black dots everywhere. Eating normal seems like a possibility one day, maybe in a long time. Maybe if she can forget about how many calories there are in a gram of fat.

(…)

She was just cruel and crazy! 

(…)

“She was smart.” Parr concludes.

They are sitting together outside, being one of the least cold nights of the year. They still have to wear sweaters, but the sky is without a cloud.

“I love her.” Anne smiles. “I remember the last time I saw her. She was so small, still so ladylike. I knew she was destined for something great, even knew it when I was pregnant. That’s why I thought she was a boy, honestly. But just staring at her for the first time I knew she was it for me.”

“She loved you, and she was great. The greatest.” Cathy puts a hand on Anne’s back.

“I wish I had the chance to see her grow up.” Tears start forming in her eyes. “It was my fault.”

“No.” She insisted. “Don’t say that, Henry was insane.”

“I thought he loved me.” A watery smile passes through. “I was foolish enough to think he did.”

There is a silence, and for a moment they stay like that. But the survivor speaks up: “Did you love him?”

“Yes.” Anne states easily. “Or no. I probably didn’t, and he most certainly didn’t either, but I think we both believed we did.”

“Do you love him?”

“No, do you?”

“Never did.”

“Be careful, your neck is quite delicate… I don’t think it would be hard to cut with a sword.”

A sarcastic laugh makes its way to Catherine’s lips. “Funny.”

“Did she love me?” Anne asks, going back to the serious conversation.

“I think she did.”

(…)

Anne May Have Encouraged Her Cousin To Have Sex With Her Husband

(…)

“How was therapy today, Kitty?” She asks, taking a cookie from the jar.

“I think it was good.” Her cousin smiles.

“I’m glad it was, I still don’t understand how it works.”

“You should try it sometime; you love talking about yourself after all.” The younger nervously jokes. “It’s just my advice, but maybe one day you should go.”

“I don’t know, I would rather solve things by myself. But if I ever think I might need it, I will go.”

She smiles, and moves to hug her relative.

“I love you Kit, and I’m happy you feel better.”

“I love you too, Annie.”

(…)

Anne Boleyn was certainly no saint – no person living or dead is – but she was certainly no cold-hearted scheming bitch either.

(…)

Eating never becomes as normal as it used to be.

It’s not about recovery, or getting better, it’s just there are things you can’t forget. When times get hard it’s easy to rely on it, to think about old times as something better, and Anne had too many old times to try and go back to. But she learns how to fall and rise again, time after time.

Things scars. Emotions, feelings, fears. They are no more than scars. Some are visible, her neck when she doesn’t wear chokers is an example of it, but she still shows it. Because she knows there is nothing better than being true to herself, to tell how it was from her point of view.

Control stops being the most important thing, but telling her truth is.

(…)

She came back smarter, stronger.

(…)

“I love you, queens!” Anne says, entering the kitchen one morning.

“What did you do this time?” Parr questions.

“Nothing.” Her voice is small.

“Cousin?” Kitty wonders.

“It might, or might not be my birthday.”

“Ha! I told you, all of you!” Aragon smiles. “Happy birthday, Anne!”

“Ugh, I was sure it was tomorrow, I hate you.” Cleves complains, while moving to embrace the smaller girl into a hug.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner? I will go to buy a cake.” Jane is quick to give Anne a kiss on the forehead.

“No! We can go later, now I want to stay here for a while and…” she clears her throat. “I know I never had the best relationship with all of you, but really I’m glad you gave me a chance. And I’m happy I gave you all one too.”

“Annie we love you!” Katherine squeaks.

(…)

From sparking a radical religious reform to giving birth to one of England’s most beloved monarchs, it’s possible that Anne shaped her country more than any queen before or since.

(…)

Anne changes, and she notices it.

She notices how mature she can act, but still be playful and joke around. She learns how to commit errors, how to fail and say she is sorry, and not to hate herself for it. She learns to learn, to not try to outshine everyone.

And for the first time she gets peace, with herself, her body and her story. She stops spiralling into a million questions and “what if”. Anne learns to live with herself, to love what she is and what she is not and stop pursuing an idyllic dream.

She learns to forgive, which is the hardest but most rewarding thing to do when times get hard.

[cookiedoughmeagain]

Haven DVD Commentaries: 5.08 - Exposure

Commentary with Nick Parker (writer for this episode) and Brian Millikin (writer for 5.07)

In which the writers discuss various aspects of the episode including, Mara and Duke, Vince and Dave, the Trouble of the week, production and writing challenges, and Duke’s backstory with regards to his mom.

Content warning for discussion of alcoholism.

[They talk about how a lot of the episodes this season function almost as two-parters, including 5.07 and 5.08 and how the two of them worked together to make sure these two episodes fit together well.] BM: We broke these two episodes on the board side by side and the outlines and scripts went out together. That was the way we did it this season, both for production reasons, because to help us save time we shot two episodes together in block shooting, and also it kind of helped up to ever so slightly change up the pace and story telling of the show a little bit. Keep it a little fresher in this super-sized fifth season.

[They talk about how happy they are with the director for these two episodes and how they turned out; “Nice, dark, moody.”] NP: Some of the most fun scenes to write were between Duke and Mara here where she’s chained up, but she is the one that’s in control. BM: I love it. I think she’s so good as Mara. Look at this, just leaning into Duke’s face and just trying to work him at all times. She was great. They basically spent two full days doing all of these scenes in the hold of the boat. So Emily sat in this chair, literally chained to it (she had to be unchained to get out of the chair) for two days, and Eric just came in and out. And Lucas is in there a couple times as ghost Nathan but that’s it. And I think, she’s never been better. She’s been just as good, but never better.

NP: Yeah, these were super fun to write and then when we started to get the dailies in they were even more fun to watch because they did such a good job in these scenes. And what’s fun about 5.08 is the task of this episode was partly to tell an important Duke story but also to draw them closer together for where they’re going in episodes 9, 10, 11, 12. And starting to elevate their story. And in these scenes Duke starts to see a little bit of, maybe a kindred spirit, or he sees something in Mara that he respects if not likes. BM: And of course the question to be asking is, is that real what he’s seeing? Or is she putting on a show for him? Is she trying to draw him closer, or is it legitimate? Which is a question you’re asking all the way up until 5.13, when … spoilers. NP: Yeah, and also, what she asked him for there, she says she wants the Crocker Journal at first but then that’s not really what she wants. It’s about getting the story about Duke’s mother. Which is something we’ve never heard about, Duke has never talked about his mother. We’ve heard him drone on and one about his father who we’ve even seen in the past (episode 2.12, back in the day) but never heard tale of his mother. Which was an important thing. BM: It’s funny, I know big fans of Nathan groused a little bit because we once again are dealing with a story about Duke’s history and we get comparatively little about Nathan’s past. I think, they’re not wrong. It’s just kind of the way it worked out. The first season of the show was so much about Nathan and his dad - his dad was a regular on the show. And about the loss of his father and the aftermath of that. And we set up that his mom was gone from an early age and we learn a little bit about that in season 5b. But it was just the way of things that is just worked out that Duke’s history just kept coming up in ways that were more organic to the story. But never more so than this episode. I think it’s my favourite part of the episode. NP: It was my favourite part to write, outside of some lines from a character who’s going to be introduced very shortly [Seth], a returning character from an episode I wrote in season 4, 4.11 - Shot in the Dark.

BM: Now, Audrey and Duke here are both in the same wardrobe that they were in the previous episode. But we imagine this is the next day, we imagine a work-all-night situation. I think you kind of get that a little bit with Mara’s cut being a bit more healed. But it made sense that they’d be in the same clothes from working all night - if they know that Nathan’s out there and they need to save him, are they really going to go home, take a shower, change clothes?

[Nick comments on the Ghost Busters reference as Duke calls Seth and both of them laugh as Seth appears on screen, and comment how good Kris Lemche is in the role.] NP: Seth is named after my brother. BM: Kris is fantastic. NP: He’s great. He was such a delight on set and everything. The cast and crew liked working with him so much. He also brings shot of energy into everything. BM: Absolutely. He’s just a different kind of voice than we have in the show a lot. Especially without Jennifer who was a little bit of that outsider commentary. But I just love him. That scene in the script was exactly as written; cut to the inside of the van and a mountain of dirty clothes and cheetos and then you see hair like a shark fin pop up. NP: Which is basically a description of my bedroom and how I wake up every morning. BM: Absolutely.

[Vince and Dave in the hospital] NP: Ah here they’re playing Gin Rummy, which is a game I used to play with my grandfather all the time, before he passed away, and yeah I just thought it would be a great game for two old men - I imagine all old men play Gin Rummy, that’s just how they go through life. BM: Well this is the third time I think we’ve seen them play a different game together. It’s king of a motiv for Vince and Dave that we find them in the middle of playing something. I like it, it speaks to them a little bit. NP: Yeah and I kind of wanted to have them in a little bit of a different space in this episode. Seasons one and two especially, Vince and Dave were comic relief. BM: Absolutely. NP: We’d go to them and we’d have some nice back and forth, and bickering and banter, and it was a nice change of pace. But as things got darker and Vince revealed who he really is and Dave’s revelation about him being adopted, things got darker and I enjoyed being able to write them in a little bit of a lighter way. Which happens in this scene a little bit and then more so later in the episode. BM: Yeah and they also were not in the previous episode. These guys have never been in every single episode in a given season, but I think we had them so much in the previous episodes that they’re absence was felt in the last one so we were happy to have them back.

[Both of them laughing as Seth appears on screen again.] NP: That was also a nice thing about Seth. There’s kind of timelessness about Haven in some ways. We know when it’s set, but it feels kind of timeless because it’s the quaint small town and everything. And to be able to have Seth come in and make some strange pop culture references is always fun. BM: Yeah. We don’t typically have ton of pop culture references, so when we do it it stands out pretty well, like the Groundhog Day joke from a couple seasons past. But yeah you just get away with it with Kris Lemche. NP: Well luckily he sells it so well I can just be silly. And it’s fun. BM: It was great. I don’t remember when it was that we came up with the idea of bringing him in for this episode, but I think it was after we had settled on the idea of the ‘ghost’ Trouble. And then we knew that episode 7 was going to have All The Bad Things, and then episode 8 was going to be; now we actually have to solve the thing. And even you and I were like; how are we going to do that? And I think it was someone else who suggested, what they need is to try to find a way to reach out to Nathan and we’ve had one other episode where we’ve had devices that do that kind of stuff. And I remember someone was like; Come on, we can’t do a ghostbustery thing. And I was like; Well if you think about it, Nathan is the victim of a Trouble which means it’s caused by aether which means there’s a kind of residual aether quality to it, so of course it would work. NP: It was a conversation I was having with our excellent leader Gabrielle Stanton, where she was saying; We’ve been looking for a time to work Kris back in, they want to have him back up there and this could be a good time to do it. And I jumped all over the idea of writing him again, because he was just so much fun to work with. BM: Yeah, it’s funny, it’s a little bit like with William who shows up again in season 5b and so Seth, and they were just characters we really liked and actors we really liked in the role. And whenever we have a chance to, it’s something we’ve always tried to do, is bring people back. It helps to flesh out the world and make it feel a bit more real. NP: Absolutely. Living in the reality of the way things are. And though William is a transdimensional character from another world, he still brings - he jokes about the situations there’re in, he points out the ridiculousness of where they are, which is something that Seth does as well. So that’s always nice to incorporate whenever we can. And also necessary to  just lighten things. I mean Audrey is now talking to her ghost boyfriend in a desperate attempt to bring him back; it’s pretty heavy. BM. Yep. But this episode establishes Seth as a solid recurring character in our world, right along the lines of Marion from the pilot, Agent Howard, Stan, all the other people who have come to have a real role to play and I’m happy that he’s part of the club.

NP: The bourbon Duke and Mara are drinking here, Gunslinger Standard, we named that for a Stephen King reference. Gunslinger is a reference to Roland Deschain from the Gunslinger. And now they are just going to drink, and drink, and drink. BM: I love his glassware. NP: It’s pretty classy. I love how Duke is like; I’m going to have to tell this story so I’m going to have to be drunk, and the first thing he does is drink about three shots of bourbon in one go. BM: We joked about it internally and maybe we should stop joking because maybe it’s a serious problem that Duke has; he might be an alcoholic. We joked about having a drinking game; what if you just drank whenever Duke drinks. If you were to watch a couple episodes in a row, you would be hammered. NP: Yes. Luckily Eric Balfour is drinking sweet tea.

[As Seth and Audrey are talking in her office] NP: So we’re seeing Audrey’s confidence hit the bottom here. She’s come to rely on Nathan, she doesn’t have her immunity any more; she kind of feels lost in a way. And so this is asking a lot of her to put all this weight on her shoulders while also going through the stress of losing the person that she loves. And with Seth talking about he lost his partner as well (Anderson from 4.11) there’s a little bit of kinship there between them. BM: Yeah absolutely, I think that parallel of them both having lost a partner, and what are you without your other half, is fantastic. NP: It was fun to write. BM: And also just on a purely mercenary level; she needed someone to talk to in these scenes. Because Duke is off on the Mara side of things, which he has to be. Audrey can’t talk to Nathan. And there’s nobody else. So the fact that he’s there is useful, but he really brings something to is; the actor does, the character does. NP: Yeah he’s good. And he did a great job with Adam Copeland in past episodes, though we don’t have Adam for these episodes as we said before. BM: Yeah and Vince and Dave are still in North Carolina. NP: And thankfully for us, Emily is a hilarious person with great comedic timing, so her dry delivery works so well. BM: Yeah I know, I always wish that we could get more opportunities for her to be funny. Because she is.

BM: So we’re back in the Raleigh hospital with Dave trying to make a desperate escape. BM: I remember how much conversation we had, you and I in particular, about the fact they’re in the Raleigh hospital. NP: Oh my god. [They discuss the journey from North Carolina to Maine and how they’ve driven it before and the routes you might take and the places you might go past, and how Raleigh is not one of them.]  BM: But we figure they’re not locals, they don’t know North Carolina. NP: I was fighting hard. But I remember it also came down to a discussion about how is Manteo pronounced. And I called the Manteo tourism board to confirm. BM: But these hospital scenes were fun for these two. We shot them all in one day, I think, one afternoon? And it wound up being really fun. You had kind of an uphill battle because you knew they basically just had to be in the hospital room; that was it. And we needed four scenes. But you did a great job with it.

NP: Oh here comes the story about [Duke’s] mother, which was quite a doozy. BM: Now I remember, we had always talked about how this episode would be the one where Duke opens up and tells Mara a story. Tells her a story about his mom, something that Mara wanted him to tell her. And it was a big deal because she’s asking for something and now he’s giving it to her. And something he didn’t want to share, something he hasn’t shared before. In the thumbnail document, the story pitch and then the outline of these scenes, it just said; Duke tells a story about his mom. And the outline was great, so it’s like; Nick, go write the scripts, and I think it was Speed Weed, one of our other writers, was like; Should we talk about what this story is? And our show runners were like; Nah, Nick go deal with it. We call it a WP - Writer Problem. So a lot of times the outline will call for someone to steal something, and the details of how they steal it is a WP, it’s left to the writer to figure out. But this was a HUGE WP, because this was a significant story about one of our main characters, and none of us knew which way you were going to go. I remember seeing you in the office thinking and working on it, and then we all finally saw the script you came up with, and it was Awesome. NP: Thanks! It was a lot of fun to write. But, as you said, it was a mountain because, I mean Duke is such a big character. So I kind of decided to go the whole way with it and turn it into a kind of origin story. BM: It’s what made Duke, Duke. Or, finished the job of turning him into Duke. NP: Yeah. Duke had learned some things from his father and saw the path his father was headed. BM: He’d already been abandoned, his father was a douche, and then he died. NP: We know from past episodes that his father died in 1983-ish, because of Lucy. And so he would have been 8 years old or something. So it’s like, where does he go from there, how does he turn into the character that we know, this guy who speaks Mandarin and is a rogue and smuggler and everything else? And so I really kind of tried to have that story tell what made Duke, Duke. BM: Yeah, like part two of his origin story. NP: Yep. BM: But it was really great. Really sad. NP: Real sad. BM: But it felt earned. I don’t know, I just loved it. I think If it changed at all [from the first draft], I’m talking like we moved the word ‘the’ or ‘and’ around. Sometimes we have stuff that really doesn’t get changed at all, just because everyone really liked it. And it made perfect sense. Once you read it, it really couldn’t be anything else. NP: Thank you. It was also funny later on in production when we were talking about cutting a couple things and knowing we had to cut for time, there was never any discussion of shortening any of those scenes whatsoever. It was like; everything in the hold we’re keeping, forever, so the cuts are going to have to come from elsewhere. BM: I remember you also had to work a lot on the details of Seth’s stuff because one of the other WPs was; And then Seth’s got “the device”. And it was never really specified what that was. But when you’re writing the script you’re going to have to talk about what it looks like and how it works. So this idea of having to stick the electrodes on Nathan, but that won’t work because he’s a ghost - you had to come up with all this too. NP: Yeah and hopefully it works, because he’s developing this idea but then we put a much quicker ticking clock on it, so that he doesn’t have a chance to modify the device the way he’d envisioned. And so it has to be taken through to the other side as Audrey ends up doing. [Both of them laughing at Seth with his hands in the air as Audrey reminds him she’s armed.] BM: Congratulations by the way on that classic moment, of wait say that again, what you said just gave me an idea. This one totally works, because of the pose that he does with his arms up, the exact pose that Reggie did before he disappeared. NP: Yeah I tried to cover that moment with some Kris Lemche joking and of course he sold it super well. BM: They both sold it, and that idea that it was the pictures that was making them disappear and that the shadows they left were related to the photos, that was something that we had from the start.

BM: Oh here’s Vince [sneaking into the hospital office]. I always like when we can show Vince and Dave kind of being badasses a little bit, showing off their skills. NP: Everyone knows them as the lore-keepers and protectors of Haven, but you don’t get that job in a place as crazy as Haven by being a softy or being a sweet man who wears pink glasses. You’ve got to be a bad ass and these moments are fun to write for that reason. BM: They are, and we always talk about a Haven prequel series you could do about these guys in the prime of their youth. And they were probably the Nathan and Duke of the town. But they’ve still got it, sometimes, and it’s always a great opportunity when we can have them doing stuff as opposed to just being the librarian-type exposition devices that in previous season they often ended up being, just by necessity because they knew so much. NP: I also find that whenever you can have Richard Donat pull out a Southern accent. BM: He’s also really funny. He doesn’t often get to play as much comedy as John Dunsworth as Dave does. So I like seeing him try and fail at this grifting attempt here. And he gets busted, which was great. And the other actor in this scene is really great too. NP: Yeah we had some great casting in both of these episodes, between Chris Masterson [as Morgan], Kris Lemche [as Seth] and Lara Jean Chorostecki [as Amy Potter]. We both know Lara Jean originally from Hannibal, as investigative journalist Freddie Lounds. That was a role that was gender-swapped from the books for the TV show and she was cast in it and that could not have been a better move on Hannibal’s part. She is just awesome, awesome, awesome in that role. BM: She is terrific. We were totally in her corner from the get go. I think she even just looked like what we imagined the character might look like. But just her energy and everything, we were just like; let’s get her. And so she did it and everyone loved her. And we were like; Can we bring her back? But her Trouble doesn’t really lend itself to something that we could keep using. So we were like; Could we just give her a job in the police station or something? NP: New crime scene photographer? BM: But I think she’s going back to Hannibal, or some other project. We were lucky to get her. NP: We should write a Haven spin off series that’s just Kris Lemche and Lara Jean Chorostecki on the road. They just made people turn into ghosts.

[As we’re back with Duke and Mara again] BM: How much of the bourbon is gone by this point I wonder? NP: They have drunk a lot of Gunslinger Standard, and that is some strong, strong bourbon. BM: But think about his tolerance. I mean, he’s not slurring his speech. I’d be asleep. Or at the very least drooling on myself or something. He’s a cool customer. [They joke that maybe Mara is immune to alcohol as well as the Troubles.] BM: But they did a great job with this. We’ve talked about how well this scene was written but they take it the rest of the way. It’s kind of like passing someone a football - it’s a good pass but then they have to run the rest of the way with it. And they absolutely did. NP: They score a touchdown. Eric really, really killed it here. We do tone calls before each episode to talk through the big scenes, and I just remember the tone call with Eric was so very, very short this time. Because I think he had just really lived in that story and really kind of got a good handle on it. And then once we saw the dailies we were like; Yeah, we didn’t need to say a single word to him. He couldn’t have done a better job with it. Kudos Eric. BM: Yeah, he was like; Totally get it, completely, let me do it.

[As Nathan is searching Guard HQ] NP: Here you can see what we talked about before, the desolate Children of Men, post-apocalyptic look to this warehouse. BM: It’s a little bit of a preview of things to come. I love Nathan going through the wall there. NP: Yeah we had a bunch of these moments, but it was a production question as to how man can we actually afford to do, how many do we have time for. There are some that are critical, like Morgan falling through, and the gun getting knocked away. BM: But there’s none for me that are cooler than Nathan with his gun out going through those two walls. It looks great, the fact it was all just this one swooping camera move. And it’s good from a story stand point because it’s Nathan using his situation to some extent to his advantage. NP: Yep and coming up here we’ve got Audrey doing the same thing of using her situation to her advantage. Right now they’re putting together all of the math of how the Trouble works. She’s understanding that Nathan is in mortal danger, which leads to a big decision for her, to put herself in danger and using her lack of immunity to her advantage in order to be able to save Nathan. BM: Our art department killed it with these photos here. And this is great with Seth being the voice of reason a little bit. And Audrey stepping up - this is a really important moment for her because she’s not immune and that’s been getting to her but now she’s going for it. NP: And credit goes to you for that set up, because it was something that you were really pursuing that her being immune is going to be the story for these episodes. And I think it worked out great. BM: That’s the thing people will refer to these episodes as; Ghost Nathan and then Audrey not being immune. I think the cutting back and forth here [from Audrey and Seth at Amy’s place to Nathan fighting Reggie in Guard HQ], both in the script and by our editor, works so well. The gunshots come [into Reggie’s back] and you don’t know if it’s Audrey, and then you reveal that it’s Morgan. NP: And it’s funny, that kind of action sequence would normally come much later in an episode, but we were trying to keep things so fast here, and really the last couple of acts of this episode take place over the course of minutes. It’s all in real time and it’s really fast, so we were trying to keep it energetic as a result. BM: Pretty much everything this season is real time. Like, last week’s episode happened 25 minutes ago.

BM: It’s funny, we had one real goal going into this episode for what the Vince and Dave story was going to be, and it didn’t really have much to do with this scene [where Vince is caught trying to steal Dave’s biopsy sample from the hospital]. All we knew was that Vince and Dave were going to get a sample of Dave’s leg wound taken, by the CDC as it turns out at the end of the episode. NP: Oh, Dearing Place there [on the note Audrey’s left for Nathan], that’s the street I used to live on. BM: So all of this with Vince and Dave trying to steal the sample back and failing and pretending to be other people, was all sort of invented to make more of a story out of it and it ended up working out really well. It’s fun for those guys, because things have gotten pretty serious for them and they get very serious as the season goes along, so it’s good to give them an opportunity to have fun. NP: Yeah and I was trying to accomplish a lot with that storyline; giving them some playful banter, having them show off their skills and what got them to where they are and the men that they were, and also platforming where they’re going because Dave’s leg wound is getting worse and worse. BM: Yeah, and it’s my favourite kind of B story, or C story really, which is that it has nothing to do with what’s going on in the episode but it’s the last scene in the episode and that story with Charlotte Cross coming to town comes to dominate the entire series. So it seemed like it was just this, tangential something, but it winds up being more significant than anything else in the episode. The best kind of C story there is. NP: I enjoyed this scene as well [Mara and Duke talking in the hold again], this was fun because they’re trying to figure out the math of the Trouble and how it works, and for dramatic, and also story, purposes we needed a delay between when Amy takes the picture and when the person disappears. And so we were trying to figure out how does that work? And because this is a Trouble that has evolved from a painter back in the day, the printing is the completion of the photo. And that just made sense and felt right for us in the digital age. BM: It’s funny I’m not sure when we came up with that idea, it must have been pretty early on. But it solved so many problems. Because we needed there to be a delay, and also a reason why Audrey tries it on herself and it doesn’t work. And I think we were struggling with that at the same time someone else - it might have been Speed Weed because he so frequently bangs the drum of like; Well, this is the Trouble now, but what would the Trouble have been like hundreds of years ago when Mara and William first made them? You know, they didn’t have cameras back then, so how did it work back then geniuses? And we were like; Well, back then it would have been something else. NP: Oil painting. BM: We’ve always liked the idea that they, sort of, not evolve but that a Trouble could mean something different nowadays than it would back then. So we thought well it could have been a painter’s Trouble way back when. Or a sculptor, maybe it left some clay dust. NP: Yeah a splash of paint, or clay dust. BM: And nowadays it leaves this photographic imprint. But before it was when a painting is finished, so when is a picture ever finished, in the world of photoshop, resizing, filters … Well it’s when you print it out. NP: And I think once we found that in our conversations, it was like; Great, perfect - now we know and everything evolved from that. [And they then compare that moment they had to Seth’s kind of triumphant reaction when Audrey disappears.] NP: I think this [as Dave comes to Vince’s rescue with his Garland impersonation] is my favourite of all the Vince and Dave scenes, just because John is so funny here. I remember writing this and I think I went a little bit … BM: We share the same office, Nick’s desk is on another wall, and I could hear you laughing. I had my ear buds in but I could hear you laughing to yourself. And you were writing this scene. NP: I was laughing at myself, which was not cool. BM: But this was one of the few scenes that’s really written specifically for him to play this kind of comedy character and he sunk his teeth into it. NP: He goes fully nuts. I actually ended up cutting the rest of that scene and moving it later. But the interesting thing about this here [as Amy’s getting ready to take a photo of herself] is, there used to be another scene in between where we saw the Morgan side of it. But instead we wanted to delay the mystery of what’s happening in the other room. So we cut that whole scene, and I couldn’t have been happier with that.

[As Amy hugs Morgan] BM: This is where we realised how good Laura Jean was too in the role of Amy, because this was an incredibly hard scene for her. You don’t really think about it, but if you’re the actress that has to play the role; this is impossible: she thought that her fiance was dead and gone until a few minutes ago, and now she’s seen him again, but she’s also processing everything else that’s happening with this situation. She’s got an incredible amount to work though. And she totally did it. NP: Yeah, and she doesn’t get to do it in a lot of lines, because a lot of the exposition of it has to come from the other characters. BM: She was great.

[Both laughing at Dave rescuing Vince] BM: This makes me wish we could have them as con artists more frequently. NP: Yes, they’re good at it. BM: And that was kind of the impetus behind episodes five and six, to get Vince and Dave out of Haven and on a mission. Even if it goes horribly awry.

NP: Laura Jean is really selling it here. She gets two or three words to go through all of this emotion but she really sells it so, so well. BM: Yeah, she’s terrific. I mean I thought she was great in Hannibal, but I really thought she brought something even more to the table here. NP: Well and what’s great about it is, her character in Hannibal is very manipulative, a bit of a psychopath in her own way, she’s very, very cold. But here, she has to be extremely empathetic but also go through really complex emotions super, super fast. And she handles both the Hannibal role, and this much smaller - and probably less rewarding - role both very, very well. BM: She’s very good.

[As we see the final flash that signals the Trouble’s resolved] NP: It’s always tough figuring that exact moment when the Trouble is solved and, how does everyone know. BM: What I also really liked about this is that she kind of solved it herself. NP: We’ve been talking about Lara Jean a lot but Chris [as Morgan] also does an awesome job, escalating this emotion here, getting in Nathan’s face; he’s really selling it. And there’s Seth with the knock-out blow. I just really like his line here [“I am the one who goes bump in the night”]. It is terrible and it was a fun thing to write - and I knew Kris would exactly get the humour of that moment. And in the dailies it was funny, he kept picking up the tripod and saying other ridiculous things; I’m sure it’s going to be all over the blooper reel because he was just hilarious. BM: It was originally going to be a picture frame that Seth used to knock Morgan out, but I think there was concern that we could have seriously injured Chris Masterson, so it became a tripod. But his line there is an obvious reference to Walter White’s “I am the one who knocks” line which is just one of the best lines ever in television. This being of course one of the worst lines ever in television.

[As Seth is saying goodbye to Nathan and Audrey] BM: So this scene here ended up touching on maybe a bit of a touchy subject for Audrey and Nathan, which was brought in relief with what Morgan said earlier about; Why are you the only ones who get to be happy? So they’re starting to ask themselves if Morgan was right and if they’ve been selfish - because, she got Nathan back, but at what cost to Morgan? NP: And it’s been going for a while too, since season four - they keep fighting for each other so much, and what is the cost? BM: I think it’s an important thing, a realistic conversation for them to have. Granted of course it’s not just Nathan; they’ve just saved a bunch of people around town who were also ghosts. And Morgan’s a bad guy, and Nathan can do a lot of good, as a human being, not a ghost. NP: It’s funny, the tail end of that scene changed a lot because as we were getting closer to it, it became more and more clear that we were going to want to bring Kris back as Seth again for more episodes in the back half of season 5b. So before he was like; I’m getting out of Haven, goodbye forever, kind of thing. And then it softened and softened. BM: Yeah we left the door open because at this point we knew we were going to bring him back, but we didn’t know if he was going to be a surprise new resident of Haven, or if we were going to have them be like; Hey man, come back to Haven. So we had to be super vague about where he was going.

[As we’re back with Mara and Duke again] BM: So they’re probably on a second bottle at this point, right? NP: They are fully drunk. BM: I would be on the phone with a hospital [if I had drunk that much] NP: A hospital or an ex-girlfriend, one of the two. [As Mara is talking about the importance of intention when releasing a Trouble] This also is something that was in the works from the very beginning, what we always knew we wanted to accomplish was Mara saying; You were the one who was in the driver’s seat when you split me and Audrey, this was your Trouble you were expressing. And over the course of those episodes he’s probably learned better how to express them and she’s saying here that; You want me here - why? BM: And it kind of answers a question that was posed at the beginning of 5.07, which was - how did this happen? Why did this happen? Duke was flicking through the Crocker Journal but he had no idea. And then Mara poses a theory here which is that he selects the Trouble that he wants to, whether he knows it or not, and that he maybe wanted to split Audrey and Mara apart. NP: Yep. BM: And I love it, it’s great.

[The final scene with Vince and Dave outside the Gull] NP: Of course they drink drinks with little umbrellas. BM: It’s not exactly a sunny day outside either. NP: Well it was funny, for production we didn’t have a Grey Gull day. BM: This moved tons of times. NP: Moved a bunch of times; I re-wrote this scene probably half a dozen times. BM: It was going to be outside the Haven Herald at one point, or just on some patio somewhere, some place they could shoot in town. But in the end we shot this weeks later, right? NP: Yeah, Shawn picked it up with a second unit some time. BM: But from back in the beginning of the year when we started mapping out what are the big tent poles for every season, this was always the last scene of this episode; Charlotte Cross comes to town. Because that really kicks off what is the rest of the season; it’s really the main story for the next couple episodes. NP: I thought the art department did a great job with the CDC logo. You can’t use the actual CDC logo; every show that uses CDC has to come up with their own logo, and our art department is really good with those kinds of things. BM: Yes. Shout out to Laura Mennell as well, as Charlotte Cross. We were really lucky to get her. NP: She’s so good. BM: She ends up joining the cast as a regular and I think we’re better for it. She obviously has some big surprises to come, which I guess we can’t talk about now. NP: It’s funny, we’re kind of the book ends for her character; introduced and then …. BM: Oh that’s right, well we can’t say. But this was a great episode. Thanks Nick! NP: Thanks for watching y’all.

[voidwaren]

I don’t usually do WIP Wednesdays because I rarely have anything big enough to show (which is why I usually do Six Sentence Sundays instead), but for some godforsaken reason my bastard brain randomly thought of The Sleeping Fic (title change pending) that I wrote forever ago and went, “ah, yes, a finished drabble. let’s change that.”

and then I wrote about 3000 words to a second chapter that’s unfinished as of right now. here’s 1000ish that make up a completed scene. yes, it will have Sterek, even though the original didn’t. I’m bad at letting things go, okay?

(I know this is probably more than most people share, but I’m lazy and I didn’t want to pick a section out of the whole scene)

The relief didn’t last, and Lydia decided, after a month of frankly haphazard attempts at getting Stiles to go to sleep and stay asleep, that outside forces had to be recruited, lest they all collectively lose their minds over Stiles’ very specific and very crucial issue. Unfortunately for Stiles, that left only two options on who could get the job done right, and one was a known murderer and someone Lydia still had a slight vendetta against. The other?

“You want me to what?” Derek asked, looking appropriately confused at what Lydia had just said to him. Considering it had been something about keeping Stiles asleep, Stiles himself couldn’t really blame Derek for not connecting the mental dots between the subject at hand and his apparently-requested involvement.

“He really doesn’t have to,” Stiles replied hastily to Lydia before she could repeat herself, but she held up a hand and, like a trained puppy, Stiles reflexively snapped his jaw shut, nearly shearing off his own tongue in the process, and abruptly fell silent. He didn’t miss the way Derek blinked in surprise at the chain-reaction, nor did he miss the appreciation that now tinged the attention Derek gave to Lydia as she spoke.

“Stiles is suffering sleep loss due to unknown and unforeseen circumstances and needs a sleep buddy at night until we can figure out and eradicate the source,” Lydia said again, sounding no less comprehensible than she had the first time she’d spewed the proposition.

Stiles winced. “Can’t we call it something else? ‘Sleep buddy’ makes me sound like a kindergartener who can’t be put down for his nap and needs a helping hand to keep him restrained to his mat.”

Both Derek and Lydia turned to look at him with matching quirked eyebrows. 

“You mean you weren’t?” Lydia queried, and Stiles could only purse his lips in response. He had indeed been that toddler, without question, but he still felt the term was a little juvenile. He was basically an adult now, after all.

Derek rounded back on her, the muscles in his crossed arms flexing just slightly (which Stiles wasn’t ashamed of noticing—you’d have to be blind not to, they just stood out so unapologetically) with the action. “And you’re recruiting me over Malia, Scott, Kira, and all your other little friends why?”

Lydia turned and nodded at Stiles, like it was his turn to start explaining. His mouth dropped open, because they had definitely not discussed this. 

“Don’t make me out myself, Lydia, holy shit!” he said, a little hysterically. “This is embarrassing enough as it is. How much trauma do you want me to walk away with, exactly?”

Lydia only tilted her head, smirked, then turned back to Derek and promptly said, “You’re the only one hot enough.”

Stiles’ jaw met the floor so hard, the wedding would be next week. The honeymoon would be in Fiji. He would not be in attendance to either.

“Oh, my god,” he said faintly, feeling the distinct prickle of heat climbing the back of his neck as Derek’s eyebrows threatened to take flight from how fast they’d jumped up his forehead. “You said it like that on purpose,” he accused Lydia fiercely. 

Lydia only shrugged delicately. “You wouldn’t explain.”

Stiles glowered at her as hard as his pride would allow before he growled something incomprehensible even to him and decided, whatever, it couldn’t get worse than this.

“I sleep better with the heat, okay?” Stiles muttered, scrubbing his hand down the length of his face. “And I’ve been third-wheeling Scott for nearly a month now. It has to stop.” Kira now made commentary on how it felt more like she was the third-wheel from how Scott and Stiles always ended up tangled together come morning. With enough of that, Scott was finally kicking Stiles out, and Stiles really hadn’t bothered protesting. It had gone on long enough.

Derek looked unconvinced. “Why aren’t you just sleeping with your girlfriend? You know, the werecoyote?”

Ah, shit. Well, that one was on Stiles for assuming it couldn’t get more embarrassing.

“She doesn’t run as hot,” Stiles whispered. Like they were his only form of expression, Derek’s eyebrows shot up once again. 

“You’re mumbling, Stiles,” Lydia chastised. 

“So?” Stiles exclaimed, one hand flinging out to gesture palm-up at Derek. “He heard me just fine!”

Lydia sighed, tilting her head just so to look at Derek, her red curls spilling over her shoulder. “We think it’s because of the animal difference. Wolves run hotter than coyotes in the wild.”

If possible, Derek’s frown only deepened. He didn’t look unnerved by the proposition, at least, so Stiles was kind of counting it for a win so far. “It’s all essentially superficial, though, isn’t it? We’re shapeshifters. The form we take, it changes things like that?”

“There’s always going to be more to it than we understand when we’re not allowed access to all the information in the world on it,” Lydia replied tiredly, the subject one they’d already combed over to the point of outright scalping it before deciding Derek was their last resort. “It could also just be a male versus female thing, as far as we can be aware. But that’s all besides the point here, Derek. Will you watch Stiles at night, help him sleep?”

Stiles winced when Derek’s sharp eyes flicked to him. He really hated his predicament. Unfortunately, he hated not being able to sleep more. Being possessed by a freaky demon creature that wouldn’t let you sleep soundly at night did weird shit to a guy’s mental capability to endure insomnia.

“Fine,” Derek grumped in his distinct way, which told Stiles everything that came next would be at Stiles’ expense, and he did not disappoint. “But he has to stay at my place.”

“Deal,” Lydia said with a satisfied smile, and Stiles did his best not to feel like he’d just been sold on the black market. “You’ll start tonight.”

[thewallofmilessimpson]

Also nothing really important here, but isn’t it fun to talk about other people’s lives, Miles????

Commentary: Sounds like Kevin Stratton really loves, respects, and cares about his wife Connie if the only reason he doesn’t go get the pussy he is offered is because Connie will find out and it won’t be good (she would probably divorce him and take him for all he has), but at least she does the banking and her family cooks all the food you spend a lot of money on. You make them sound like pigs, not leaving any seconds for the one who pays for it but does nothing else but grabs a plate and dashes off like an asshole. Heh. Sounds like Connie and her family more than earn their keep from your bank, Kevin Stratton on the island. I REALLY hope Connie or her 42 people sees this and takes you for all you’ve got.

Re: back at youYahoo/Sent

Miles Simpson <simp2172@bellsouth.net>To:Kevin StrattonTue, Dec 11, 2018 at 8:21 PMHello Kevin, Saints started last week’s game against the Buc’s the same way they left in Dallas not good. Drew was terrible in the first half. We got a punt block in the 2nd half I hope you saw it and scored 25 points in a row. They will be on Monday night next week against the Panthers. Your Bears helped out by beating the Rams now the Saints are back in front. I don’t think the Saints could beat the Bears are the Rams again. We’ll see down the road. Walter’s ex-wife Donna was burned really bad last week. Not a lot of info other than she was in the kitchen. Somebody said a towel caught on fire and she tied to beat it out with another towel and it caught on fire and wrapped around her but I don’t believe that. I think she was cooking meth and kaboom. Her boyfriend just got out of jail for doing it. The VR glasses you ordered is it the kind you can buy games for and stuff like that? I picked up Ronnie today after his chemo trip. He looks 80 years old and skinny. I’ll get him next Tuesday too. Bruce dropped off Reggie this morning at 5:30 like always and when I got up at 7:30 he had shit in my room right in the doorway on the carpet and it was the soft kind that mashes into the carpet when you try to pick it up. Then at noon he pissed on the floor by his food bowl and when I got back from picking up Ronnie he had pissed again. It’s this Cushing disease causing him to be this way. I told Bruce this afternoon I’m not keeping him after this year so he’s going to have him put to sleep in a week. I’ve kept him now probably 5 years and I want to be free to go somewhere and not have to deal with a deaf half blind bi-polar dog. He was a good dog but he’s not himself anymore. Getting the smoker out tomorrow and cooking 10 lbs of quarters and 20 thighs. I wish they would put the pork butts on sell I’m totally out! I’ll buy 4 next time. Cook 2 and freeze 2. I buy my baby back’s at Walmart and they say Extra meaty and they are. I usually smoke 3 racks cut them in half and freeze 6 half racks. I’ll get a half rack out but can usually only eat 3 ribs before I’m full. They’re like $3.30 a lb but are good. There’s a show that comes on Tuesday night on TBS at 9:30 called The Guest Book. Tonight’s the 8th or 9th one this season. You should give it a try it’s pretty dam funny. It would be great if you could get it on Net Flix and watch it from the start. Later Buddy, Miles > On Dec 3, 2018, at 11:18 AM, Kevin Stratton <johnst13@yahoo.com> wrote: > > Good morning Miles > > Well I'm still disappointed about the Saints loss. They did not look like the same team at all. But they are still way up on every team in their division and I don't think that will change before the playoffs. I still hope for home field advantage through the playoffs but they better win out. I have always hated the Chargers so that was a bad game last night too. I did not get to see the last LSU game and in a way I'm glad as that is a bad way to loose.  I saw you had some bad weather last week in your area. You made it through alright? We have a new gas station close by my house. So now I have a sub sandwich place called Blimpie's, a Pizza Inn, coffee shop and a cooking place inside that makes local food plus a pretty big grocery store all inside of one building. They are also are extending the side of the building to house a branch bank for some banking operation not sure which as yet. So I might have to open an account there as it would be a handy place instead of going into town and stand in long lines. Not that I do any banking. I make Connie do all of that stuff. We had 42 people for Thanksgiving at our other house and hopefully not that many for Christmas but it might be close to that same amount of people. I don't do any of the cooking as Connie's brothers and sisters do that work I just pay for all the food. I just grab a plate and go. I don't get seconds as there is never enough to go around even with 2 turkeys and a spiral sliced ham and a pork leg. And 7 pies and two cheese cakes. Sorry to hear about your cousin as stage 4 is not that long to live. Is he on that Hospice's service? As they are free and they keep someone like your cousin pain free with heavy drugs like Morphine. See if you can sign him up as I'm pretty sure it is free even out in the country. Sorry about you dying for pussy as I could get you some down here. I get offered pussy from some girls I've known for years and they don't care if your married or single. They just want some sex or for you to throw some money their way. They call that country pay down here.  And there is still about 8 to 10 women to a man down here. And some of them look pretty damn good and are hard to turn down. But it is such a small community in many ways that it would all get back to Connie. And that would be bad let me tell you. The VR glasses comes with it's own screen and does not use a phone which I hope will work out to help me fly. I have my plumber working on the plumbing upstairs and the electrician doing a plan of his work so I can insulate and then sheet rock the walls. I still have to get my A/C guy to finish his stub out work before I insulate and drywall upstairs too. I'm doing the laundry right now and trying to fix a roof leak in my office as I keep chasing the water that comes in from the rain. Well I guess that is all that is on my mind right now. Oh we had 3 murders last month and none are really solved. We hear all kinds of rumors but nothing for sure. One was a guy who worked at a cruise ship store called Diamond International as a manager. That one might be over a woman from a ex-husband. And other one was a local teacher that had a partner running and owning a few taxi cabs and that had been arguing. The third one was gringo in the real estate business who I knew well. They had a memorial service yesterday on the beach at a big bar. I  went just to show my face but I hate those kind of services. His daughter came down to see about her fathers things. They found his glasses and blood on his stoop by his front door. As that looks like where he was killed and then days later they found his body and took that over to the mainland for a autopsy and they will cremate him and send the ashes to the daughter.  It might of been his next door neighbor who he was having problems with or a love triangle. Or the police killed him for something he saw and reported that the police and then they follwed him home and killed him but that is just another rumor. Well I guess that is all that is on my mind right now. > Later amigo! > k > >

[darkspellmaster]

holy shit, who the fuck are you even??? your fantastic beasts posts are so pretentious and annoying, you just keep assuming a bunch of shit out of things you're taking out of context and you talk as if its confirmed canon, when it's obviously NOT, like, do you have the fucking script right there on your hands??? no??? then shut the fuck up and stop clogging the tags with your stupidity.

Dear Sir, or Madam, Thank you for taking the time to write me such an informative and interesting response to my commentary on recent events regarding the Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. As you clearly have some questions that you want answered allow me to answer them for you. 

To the first inquirer, you ask who am I? (Although the correct terminology is either “Who even are you, or who do you think you are” ) For the record I am a  college teacher that teaches game design and development, specializing in the writing aspect for games (since they tend to need work on telling stories) who holds a Bachelor degree in Fiction writing and is right now working on a masters computer science degree. My focus in college was understanding how fictional stories are created and how they work, in both written and visual mediums. Does that answer your question there? Oh and I was originally going in for animation and journalism, so I have a background there as well. Also I have a strong understanding in article writing and how opinion pieces vs. fact pieces are written. Moving right along then. You mean my opinions on the matters in regard to the reaction over the whole issue with David Yates comments? Or are you talking about the fact that I laid out all the facts and links to articles with quotes, and went into explanation as to why Yates would have put the terms that way and theorizing what they are planning. You see, I was taking what was written in the books previously in Harry Potter in regard to both Dumbledore, Grindelwald, Ariana and Aberforth. The facts are in the book as stated: 

1. Dumbledore and Grindelwald were friends during the time that his sister was dealing with her issues. 

2. Aberforth noted in the book that Ariana was traumatized by muggle boys causing her to repress her magic and become ill.

 3. We know from Credence that repressing your magic early can cause you to become a Obscurial. Due to this one can then hypothesis that Ariana was a Obscurial as well. 

4. We know, thanks to the books and Dumbledore talking to Harry that Grindelwald was using him. 

5. We know that Graves/Grindelwald was using Credence’s abilities as per the first Fantastic beasts. We can then, assume with little to no guessing that Grindelwald saw a way to Ariana through her brother and used him to get at her and this probably lead to her untimely death.

 6. We know how Grindelwald operates due in part to his acts as Graves and from what Dumbleore said in the books as well, as well as the memories and Aberforth’s comments.

 7. Rowling seems to write her bad guys in similar fashion, not exactly the same, but very much alike.

 8. Tom Riddle is a prototype to the new version of Grindelwald in this movie (since we’ve seen how he uses his words to emotionally manipulate people) and more than likely she’s using a lot of Tom’s charm on Grindelwald (as per the comments of him -Grindelwald being very charming in the books). 

Taking these facts into consideration it’s not too hard to assume, at all, that Grindelwald is going to use that manipulation to get under various peoples skins and cause fractions between the cast of characters. Just as Voldemort got under Harry’s skin regarding Dumbledore, so too, it would make sense, that Grindelwald will do the same to Newt. Making him question his mentor and forcing him to grow as a person. 

Also, for fact, as I stated in my posts, if you look at the time period of the fight between Grindelwald and Dumbledore (not till 1945) it would make more sense for her as a writer to do a build up over the next 2 (FB3 and FB4) or 3 (FB3, FB4, and FB5) movies with Dumbledore and Grindelwald, than to front load the movie here with them and have a weaker meeting in the last where (let’s be honest here with 5 movies you know the last will be at the end of WWII in regard to this since it’s been set up in Harry Potter) they have their fight. 

Keep in mind that that final battle was where Dumbledore procured the wand of the hallows. We know that, from the books, Dumbledore owned at least two of the hallows and not the third, though it was in his possession after James Potter’s death and he returned it to Harry and had never used it. We can, assume then, that Newt’s journey has ties to the hallows, given the title has all three items in there, and we know Albus at this point doesn’t have the wand but Grindelwald does. I was off about the mirror and for that I apologize to my readers. However I don’t think I’m wrong on the idea that Grindelwald is going to France after one of the hallows (either the stone or possibly one of the Potters that owns the cloak or possibly one of the Gaunts, since they have the stone with them -although given the time frame for Morfin’s imprisonment I don’t see it being the stone so possibly the cloak) it would fit his MO so far, seeing that he wants to unite all three for world dominance. We can assume a lot of things based on what we’ve seen before in her writing. Writers tend to, and I know I’m guilty of this as well, have a pattern for their stories, especially when it pertains to situations like Harry Potter or the Fantastic Beast Series. The similarities are hard to dismiss. Slightly nerdy and unusual hero makes friends with a smart and talented girl and a slightly goofy guy. Trio is harassed by a charming yet ultimately dangerous big bad that wants to use some powerful mcguffin (object or person), to take over the world. Said trio needs to find a way to stop said person and uses help from mentor ally. Said ally has a dark past with the villain that is only revealed with time and for dramatic purposes. Main hero suffers powerful loss that propels them into action to defeat said bad, no longer for the sake of the mentor, but for their own sake. Wash, Rinse, repeat. Now which story am I describing Harry or Newts? This is why I honestly think the things I’m saying in the posts are true. There’s enough there if you read a lot of books and understand the patterns of a story, particularly the hero’s journey, to get why things are set up the way they are and why Yates and Rowling are being the way they are. It’s all down to how well you can critically read a book or watch a movie. If you know the hints, the signs, everything is laid out for you there in the trailer and the previous movie. Newt’s feelings for Leta, Leta clearly being a Lestrange and more then likely working for Grindelwald given how her father is a dark wizard that has ties to him. Hell her cousin is tied to Voldemort. Rolf being the hero that Newt wishes that he was in some ways. Leta being Newt’s lost love, etc. Anyone can see where this story is going if they look hard enough at what’s presented. Clearly there are parallels between the relationship of Dumbledore and Grindelwald and Newt and Leta. There’s enough hints there to show that she’s not a good person and probably hurt him emotionally and it’s not a far jump to assume that a Lestrange may fall for someone that’s charming and evil like Grindelwald, who could use that lust for power to do some bad things. It’s all there in the tropes! I really don’t need to have a copy of the script that’s coming out in my hands to understand what’s going on because we kind of read pretty much a lot of it via other books and her own novels and the way Jo tends to set things up. 

If however you are talking about my notes early on about the situation on the romantic aspect of Dumbledore and why he hides himself. Again, I am basing this on history, and, as we’ve seen in the books, the Wizarding world is just as predjudice as the Muggle world is. There’s enough evidence in Harry’s books to indicate that a lot of the laws that govern modern wizarding society probably have ties (namely in Britian) to the laws that were governed by the Queens and Kings of England. We’ve already seen the ties via the fact that Merlin is a real person so that would mean that, in all likelihood, so too is King Arthur. We also know that there are probably half bloods working for the ministry to tie in modern day british laws to the wizarding world, so It’s not that far fetched to assume that the wizarding minsitry has a similar law set up that I mentioned in my first post. If you are objecting to the fact that I used that fact, well I’m sorry, but it does fit within the aspect of the world that she is building as we’ve seen that most of the Ministry figures have duplicates in the Muggle world, down to the detectives and cops in the form of Aurors of different ranks. We’ve also seen that the MACUSA also has a similar set up to the pre-1940s version of the US Feds, and we have speakeasies and mobsters, meaning that the Wizarding world there is also in prohibition. And, if that’s the case, then there is no reason to not at all assume that the Law that I mentioned was still in effect in Great Britain where Dumbledore is living. If you object to that, well then sir or madam, I’m not sure what else to tell you other then I did my research before I wrote my counter pieceI highly doubt that she didn’t, at the very least, know about this law and other laws like it since, you know, Jo grew up when a lot of the laws were being looked at by the LGBTQ+ activist of the time so that they could . Also, it wouldn’t be to hard to look up that sort of info, since she clearly looked up about prohibition to include the fact that at the dining table they were drinking anything but liqueur, as that was not available at the time period of the film. Again, it all comes down to the facts that we have been presented, the opinions we have based on our own views, as well as the information we can gather from both her former works and works of others regarding how a story works in the visual medium.

As I said before, it’s their opinion that’s fine, but a lot of people are overlooking a lot of facts from the books to build this case against them, when non of us have the script at all. But as I said, critically watch the film and then the trailer and focus on the idea of the Hero’s journey and the 13 aspects of it, then think about what we know about Dumbledore, Grindelwald, Newt and compare them to Harry and Tom and you’ll see a lot of similarities to the original story. Not quiet the same but it’s still all there. 

As for being silent, I don’t think so. I had my say on the matter, and, when the film comes out, and I turn out to be right on all my points, I’ll be pleased. If I’m wrong and all my theories turn out to be false, ah well. Regardless I still hold that the fact that both Yates and Rowling seem to be hinting at a longer story being told with Dumbledore and Grindelwald and the given history in the Harry Potter books, and the fact that Newt is the lead and it’s his journey, that we’re not going to see a lot of the relationship deeply until film number 3 or 4 with the climax of all that being in film 5 in 1945, and that’s my honest opinion on it. 

[mittensmorgul]

The TNT loop got me good today. 7.21 is... a new level of angst now. I’ve been yelling my incoherent feelings at @wigglebox about this, and decided I just needed to make all the parallels. So I’m just gonna quote chunks of the transcript for 7.21 here, and then comment on it. Because it is A Lot™

(honestly y’all should be glad I’m not a gif maker because a) it probably would make this post lethal, and 2) the first casualty would’ve been me)

Okay, here we go. For reference, I’m just using the transcript here, and basically annotating it with thoughts from the POV of 15.03. Some of it will be directly quoted from this transcript at the superwiki if you’d like to follow along for maximum pain (or to fill in any blanks I’ve left in the rest of the episode), and some of it will just be direct commentary. 

We begin with Cas awakening, bolting upright, from the catatonic state he’s been in since he’d healed Sam’s Hell Trauma. Remember, Cas took that wound into himself. Cas’s awakening wasn’t “natural.” It coincided with the awakening of the Prophet Kevin Tran, and Dean shattering the ancient rock concealing a long-buried “Word Of God.” I’d like to take a moment here to remind everyone why Sam had even suffered this trauma that Cas had to heal in the first place. Not only was “breaking Sam’s wall” one of the “terrible things” Cas had done in s6 in the name of trying to keep Dean from being conscripted back into service in the new Apocalypse Raphael was plotting, but it also led directly to The Worst Thing Cas Has Ever Done In The Name Of Doing The Right Thing Of His Own Free Will. Because ALL of this was couched in that language. In 6.20, in that final scene, this was the specific language that Cas used with Dean in his final attempt to earn Dean’s trust and support in his (soon to be) catastrophic plan. And Dean couldn’t give it to him. ALL of this is now currently wrapped up into the events of the first three episodes of s15. Free Will, the Word of God, a Cosmic Wound that has injured both Sam and Cas (and that Cas was unable to heal this time), Kevin Tran forced into service, A Plot to gather god-like power through the consumption of souls, a Rift into an afterlife for the purposes of releasing a terrible apocalypse on the world... heck... there’s probably more, but this will do nicely for a start, for the purposes of Painful, Awful Context.

FLASH TO TITLE CARD

(see what I mean? this is gonna be a long, bumpy ride... I should probably put this under a cut...)

The lightning flashes and odd weather effects from breaking open the tablet caused a worldwide disruption to the weather, to the point that a meteorologist on the radio said he wasn’t baffled by it, but offended.

So the Word of God being freed, from being given power by having been revealed, revealed something that went beyond confusion, and was just so wrong it actually made the guy ANGRY. Hmm. Kinda like Dean in early s15, yes? Dean’s our “offended weatherman.”

(I really miss the text separator line function. Thanks for taking that away from us, tungl. I guess I’ll have to insert something else between commentary... asterisks it is... I’ll keep it to three for a visual separation that hopefully won’t screw too badly with screen readers)

DEAN: So, what? We start the storm heard 'round the world? SAM: When we broke this thing [SAM touches the stone tablet] open last night, every maternity ward within a hundred-mile radius got slammed. Looks like any woman in the last month of her pregnancy went into labor.

WELL that’s definitely an interesting parallel... motherhood, giving birth. With the imagery of Rowena’s spell in 15.03 looking both like Mary and Jess in 1.01 as well as a weird sort of “reverse birth” of hundreds of souls.

***

Sam and Dean were planning to head West to Rufus’ cabin, until THIS, that had them heading in the exact opposite direction, because Cas:

SAM: What? [to DEAN] Cas is awake. DEAN: When? [SAM puts the phone on speaker and holds it out.] When? MEG: Last night about eight. DEAN: And you waited till now to call us? MEG: I've been busy with Cas. He's just a tad different than when he dozed off, 'kay? DEAN: What do you mean, different? MEG: Hey, Seacrest, guess what – not a nurse. Just playing one on TV. Want answers? Start driving.

Or, because Demon who teamed up with them specifically because they intended to use Cas for his specific power... Meg intended to earn Cas’s loyalty for her own security/protection/personal mission against Crowley, so she could swing him like a big hammer. In s15, Belphegor’s machinations were much the same, with his long-term plan to earn just enough of Cas’s trust to use him as the key to open the box holding Lilith’s Crook. By hook or by crook, right? Demons, man. I mean, I’ve mentioned the parallel to 8.17, and the crypt scene with the unlocking of this box in a different crypt for a different god-level power item (in 8.17 it was brainwashing and the angel tablet, and in 7.21 it’s denial and the leviathan tablet, but you can draw a big fat straight line through all of it). And this is just another go-around of all those same themes.

***

DEAN: We raced all the way here, and now I don't know. I can't say I'm fired up to see what's left of the guy. SAM: You think he remembers at all? DEAN: That, and I'm guessing whatever kind of hell baggage he lifted off of your plate. It's not gonna be pretty.

Oh remember this? Previously on Supernatural, this was owie, but now it’s been weaponized with new context from s15, with this endless cycle of guilt and blame laid on the table between Dean and Cas. He couldn’t look at Cas, was terrified to see what had become of Cas because of ALL of this. Because of everything that began in s6 and culminated with them finally cracking the Word of God. Or at least A word of god, since we know now that this wasn’t the only thing Chuck wrote, you know? And we’re still due to progress through Metatron’s hackneyed retelling, too. But even back then, Dean’s feelings of guilt, blame, and loss were all tangled up together regarding Cas, and infused with a confusing dollop of friendship, need, and (dare I suggest) love. Because the kind of stuff Dean (and Sam) have forgiven Cas for over the years? Even if it was only in knowing the underlying good intentions and wondering about all of Cas’s motivations, this isn’t the kind of thing you forgive someone for unless you truly care about them, deep down. The only ones who truly have the power to break you like this are the ones you love.

***

After Cas’s unsettling attempt at a “joke,” (pull my finger *lights explode* *disturbing chortling*), Dean needs information, and needs it from Cas.

DEAN: Okay, just hang on, Cas. Wait. Let us catch up to you for a second. SAM: So, you're saying you remember who you are, what you are. CASTIEL: Yes. Of course. Oh. Outside today, in the garden, I followed a honeybee. I saw the route of flowers. It's all right there, the whole plan. There's nothing to add. SAM: You might want to add a little Thorazine. MEG: Right? He's been like the naked guy at the rave ever since he woke up. Totally useless.

Let’s start at the end of this mess and work our way back to the start. Meg declares Cas “totally useless.” Because in his current state (I don’t fight, I watch the bees), he literally can’t be the weapon she hoped he’d be for her own personal needs. Like Belphegor in s15, it took some chipping away before Cas could even remotely be “useful” to him. Cas couldn’t even look at him, and he certainly would never agree to fight for him (the muscle).

Next let’s tackle Cas’s perception of creation, as told in metaphor between his observation on the micro-level scale of the “route of flowers,” which he directly compared to the macro-level scale of “the whole plan.” As if there was a “whole plan” to the universe. I could write a doctoral thesis on just this statement alone, of how Cas’s observation of the plan inherently altered it, how his presence in the garden as observer watching the bees do their thing, following them along their paths to the flowers irrevocably inserted him into the “whole plan,” and whether he or the bees realized it or not, those bees by necessity altered their paths to accommodate Cas’s presence in their daily routine. Did this make their lives easier? More difficult? Regardless, it had to affect their choices, which flowers to visit, which paths to fly, because Cas’s mere presence provided an obstacle to their routes. They couldn’t fly through him, you know? Left or right, over and around, He became something the “whole plan” needed to work around. And isn’t that what Chuck’s been doing since the start? And on an entirely different level, Chuck’s done it all with intent, because “the whole plan” had been his creation from the beginning.

And then, both first and last depending on your perspective, is Dean, asking Cas to stop just long enough for him to finally catch up. Asking Cas to wait. Because Dean feels like he’s the one who’s fallen behind.

Okay, everyone take five to have a good cry *passes out tissues*

***

CASTIEL: Will you look at her? My caretaker. All of that thorny pain. So beautiful. MEG: We've been over this. I don't like poetry. Put up or shut up.

Ah, Cas and “poetry.” He’s temporarily given up on seeking Free Will, temporarily abandoned the attempt to “teach poetry to fish,” as he’d said in 6.20. And Meg doesn’t like poetry either. She just wants Cas to suck it up and do what she needs him to-- be her personal hammer. She doesn’t care about him, but only what he can do for her. Put up or shut up.

***

CASTIEL: Oh. Of course. Now I understand. SAM: Understand what? CASTIEL: You were the ones. Well... I guess that makes sense. DEAN: What makes sense? CASTIEL: If someone was going to free the Word from the vault of the earth, it would end up being you two. Oh, I love you guys. CASTIEL pulls DEAN and SAM into a hug.

Of course The Winchesters would be the Disruptors™ to the natural order, right? Even though Sam and Dean had only stumbled across the word of God by accident, while trying to clean up the planet-wide epidemic of cosmic Goo left behind after Cas’s attempt to rewrite the story and play god. But still, of course it would be Sam and Dean, because it’s always Sam and Dean, right? I mean, Cas already hung a lampshade on “The Whole Plan” being right there for anyone to see, in everything from the path of the flowers right up to the unearthing of the Word.

Chalk another one up to the spiral narrative as everything.

***

Cas mutters something about cat penises, and females not being consulted on that terrible bit of creation. Chuck, man. Throwing barbed penises around with zero consideration for the ladies. Ow. But on to the bigger things:

DEAN: Cas, please, we're losing ground out there, okay? We need your help. Can you not see that? CASTIEL: This is the handwriting of Metatron. SAM: Metatron? You saying a Transformer wrote that? DEAN: No. That's Megatron. SAM: What? DEAN: The Transformer – it's Megatron. SAM: What? CASTIEL: Metatron. He's an angel. He's the scribe of God. He took down dictation when creation was being formed. SAM: And that's the Word of God? CASTIEL: One of them, yes.

They’ve been drowning in goo for months, and Cas coming back had represented a beacon of hope in the darkness. But the reality of the whole situation at hand wasn’t something Cas could deal with. He was so burdened with personal guilt that he chose to ignore the mess, reacting with anger (and by disappearing) with directly confronted with it. In s15, Dean... can’t just disappear, even though he’s the one drowning now.

A... Transformer. A misinterpreted word that changes the meaning, creating a baffling misunderstanding that requires a re-translation and correction before understanding can occur. That’s so meta I could cry. “I always get the words right.” Cas had no idea what “Megatron” or “Transformers” were, but saw that Sam and Dean were literally “speaking language he didn’t understand,” but that they’d come to a satisfactory conclusion that seemed irrelevant to their current conversation anyway, and just... continued on as if the disruption had never occurred. An entire loop of conversation just flew right over his head. He might not get words wrong, but sometimes he just doesn’t get them at all, you know? Nor does Dean always understand what the intent behind Cas’s words are. They need a translator. Or they need to stop speaking in references and metaphor, and speak clearly in unmistakable language. And all of this is wrapped up in the parallel to the indecipherable Word of God, which will require a unique translator to interpret.

Author to Scribe to Prophet, because the knowledge within is not meant for angels. It’s not even meant for humans. It’s just another randomly-scattered puzzle left by Chuck to be simultaneously helpful and dangerous. Choices and drama.

***

CASTIEL: Don't like conflict. CASTIEL disappears and the stone tablet drops to the floor, breaking into three pieces.

Aah, the conflict, that Meg attempts to blame on Dean, when she was the one who (I mean, understandably she was curious, but she’s still a demon that Dean still doesn’t trust, who once possessed Sam and tried to force Dean to kill him, so... she’s not actually their friend, she was “mutually assured destruction” in case things with Cas went sideways while Sam and Dean were running around trying to clean up the Leviathan mess...). Cas’s reaction to conflict back then had been to drop the Word like a hot potato, smashing it to pieces on the floor. Even when he isn’t trying, he’s tearing up pages and altering the shape of Chuck’s story. Bless him. But he’s still... actively avoiding doing anything, including acknowledging his own role in the events that have brought them to this point, and to everything Dean had been fighting almost on his own (Sam’s been “in the bell jar” most of s7 fighting the Hallucifers) and basically surviving with whiskey, denial, and pasting a fake smile on and pushing through trauma after trauma without Cas (or... pretty much anyone else in any measurably reliable way). But we all know this isn’t how DEAN reacts to trauma, right? He pushes people away, by manufacturing conflict when he runs out of organic conflict.

***

DEAN: All right, I'll go handle Cas. Sam, will you please pick up the Word of God?

Dean, delegating responsibilities. He’ll take the broken angel, and Sam will take the broken Word.

***

MEG: We both call, who do you think Cas will come to? I'm guessing me. You heard him – thorny beauty, blah, blah. I'm the saint who stayed with him. He owes me. His words. SAM: Yeah, what about what he owes us? MEG: Well, work on him a little. Maybe he'll start crushing on you, too, hot stuff. SAM: What are you gonna do with a broken angel? Don't be stupid. MEG: I'll take power where I can get it. I've got myself to look out for.

Unlike Belphegor, Meg never even attempted to disguise her motives. She wanted Cas for his power, broken or not. She’d find a way to manipulate him to defend her-- despite his insistence that he doesn’t fight. And it’s interesting it’s Sam who’s given the line “what about what he owes us?” While Dean’s discussion with Cas is far more personal.

***

DEAN: You realize you just broke God's Word? CASTIEL looks away and DEAN sits down at the table opposite him. DEAN: It's Sam's thing, isn't it? You taking on his, uh, cage-match scars. I'm guessing that's what broke your bank, right? CASTIEL: Well, it took... everything to get me here. DEAN: What are you talking about, man? CASTIEL: Dean, I know you want different answers. DEAN: No, I want you to button up your coat and help us take down Leviathans. Do you remember what you did? CASTIEL holds up the board game “Sorry!” He shakes it once and the board and pieces appear on the table, set up ready to play. CASTIEL sets the box aside. CASTIEL: Do you want to go first?

Dean’s still kind of in awe at the notion of directly defying God’s Word, and Cas just... doesn’t even seem bothered. Dean needs to find an explanation for Cas’s avoidance of the Urgent Matter at Hand. He blames it on what Cas suffered after taking on Sam’s Hell trauma, but Cas tries to tell him it’s so much more than that, that his entire experience since the moment he gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition had led to this moment. But that’s too much for Dean to even wrap his head around, and Cas is just... speaking in riddles anyway. So he presses on and demands a direct answer. Cas continues speaking in riddles.

And pushing for a more direct personal conversation, despite the chasm of misunderstandings separating them. For possibly the first time ever, it’s Cas speaking in metaphors and references that Dean does not understand. And it frustrates the hell out of him. He just wants to get some straight answers out of Cas before the world goes up in flames. Or drowns in dark waters.

He needs Cas to “button up his coat” and help save the world. Save it from the mess he technically made of it. But Cas won’t even engage with what Dean’s saying to him, like in s15 Dean doesn’t even engage with what Cas is saying to him (but Cas is also refusing to button up his coat and do what had to be done in s15, refusing to even look at Belphegor... despite actively assuming another equally important job... he wasn’t avoiding HELPING, just avoiding the specific task Dean had tried to give him... as the one of them most qualified to monitor a demon for ~demonic hinkiness~ or whatever. Sam and Dean would’ve just assumed they were dealing with Jack if Cas hadn’t been the one to tell them it was actually a demon, you know?

***

Meanwhile, back in Cas’s room, Kevin is knitting the Word of God back together, while being simultaneously baffled and terrified by everything that’s going on.

***

DEAN picks up a “Sorry!” card. CASTIEL: You know, we weren't sure at first which monkeys were gonna make it. No offense, but I [DEAN moves a marker on the board] was backing the Neanderthals because their poetry was... just amazing. It's in perfect tune [CASTIEL picks up a card] with the spheres. But in the end, it was you – the [CASTIEL moves a marker] homo sapiens sapiens. You guys ate the apple, invented pants. DEAN: Cas, where can we find this, uh, Metatron? Is he still alive? CASTIEL: I'm sorry. I – I think you have to go back to start. DEAN moves a marker. DEAN: This is important. CASTIEL motions for DEAN to pick up another card. DEAN does and moves another marker. DEAN: I think Metatron could stop a lot of bad. You understand that? CASTIEL picks up another card. CASTIEL: We live in a "sorry" universe. It's engineered to create conflict. I mean, why should I prosper from... your misfortune? [CASTIEL puts down a marker and moves DEAN’s marker back to the start.] But these are the rules. I didn't make them. DEAN: You made some of them. When you tried to become God, when you cut that hole into that wall. CASTIEL: Dean... it's your move. DEAN pounds a fist on the table and swipes the board to the floor. DEAN: Forget the damn game! Forget the game, Cas. CASTIEL: I'm sorry, Dean. DEAN: No. You're playing "Sorry!"

Dean’s still trying to solve their bigger problems, but he’s really trying to play along to appease Cas, trying to speak to him on a level he can understand. Trying to “play his game” and hope that Cas will play by the rules Dean had thought they both understood-- give and take. Mutual contribution to the conversation. But Cas continued talking about things Dean believed were irrelevant in the face of the current crisis. Neanderthals losing out to homo sapiens. And again, Cas talking poetry, and referencing the spiral narrative of creation.

The thing about Sorry! is that the game involves a lot of elements of chance, but also a lot of elements of CHOICE. I know someone’s written meta on this in the past, but really quickly, in Sorry, each player controls a number of different pawns, all of which must eventually be advanced from the starting point to their respective finish line. The playing board itself is the defined and accepted parameters of the world the game will play out on, yet there are multiple different “paths” for each player to take. The players draw cards in turn (the element of Chance) and then decide which of their pieces to advance according to the instructions on the card they selected (the element of Choice).

The thing is, in this game, Cas could’ve chosen to “play a different piece.” He could’ve made the game easier on Dean while still advancing his own position, and yet he chose to strategically remove Dean’s piece from the board. Cas was playing not just to win for himself, but to frustrate Dean’s chances to even get a fair turn to play. Cas was playing by the rules, after all, which encourage competition over teamwork. The name of the game is Sorry! after all, and “sending your opponent back to the start” is half the point of the game. Cas wasn’t going to even play in the spirit of cooperation with Dean. He wasn’t going to provide answers. This was, in a horrific way, Cas’s attempt to revert himself back to the “reprogrammed” Cas that came back from Heaven at the end of 4.20. All under the guise of playing sorry, without having to engage with it in good faith.

Dean wasn’t even asking Cas to fight here. He was trying to respect Cas’s choice to “avoid conflict.” But Cas wouldn’t even TALK to him, wasn’t even engaging with him as if HE was real. And Dean was not unreasonably frustrated.

Dean’s been fighting back against an impossible enemy that can’t be killed and has devised a way to suppress human free will into submission, so that all of humanity will willingly march themselves into the slaughterhouse. It’s horrifically WORSE than the apocalypse to Dean, and he’s desperate and at the end of his rope, and is hoping for even a spark of hope to keep fighting himself... and Cas has nothing but poetry for him.

***

And then the angels show up, prepared to take the Prophet with them, as if Kevin was their property. Kinda raises some questions about how the Prophet Chuck could’ve been unaware of what he was, you know? Almost as if it had literally been a lie...

HESTER: You smote thousands in Heaven. You gave a big, scary speech. Then you were gone. What the hell was that?! CASTIEL: Rude, for one thing. INIAS: Where have you been? CASTIEL: Oh, Inias. Hester, I... I know you want something – answers. I... I wish it could be that… There are still many things I can teach you. I can offer, um, well, perspective. Here. [CASTIEL points a finger at HESTER.] Pull my finger. [HESTER doesn’t move.] Uh... Uh... Meg will – will get another light, and I'll – I'll blow it out again. And, well, this time, it'll be funny, and – and we'll all look back and laugh. HESTER: You're insane. DEAN: Hey. DEAN is standing in the doorway. DEAN: Heads up, Sunshine. DEAN puts his hand in an angel-banishing sigil he’s drawn on the wall outside the room. White light flares and the angels vanish.

Unlike Dean, who’d tried to be patient and understanding with Cas despite everything, Hester simply angrily demanded answers from him. And Cas... was equally evasive with her. She labeled his evasion “insane,” but Cas is 100% sane. He knows exactly what it is he’s avoiding answering for, but he’s paralyzed with fear that anything he does will only add to the problem. And Dean gets rid of the angels before they can start killing everyone (including Cas).

I mean, Cas’s answers are pretty obvious anyway, you know? His guilt, his hubris for believing he was choosing the right thing, in trying to teach the angels a better way-- Free Will and the protection of humanity-- that in the execution he lost his own free will (and his life) and unleashed a horror onto Heaven and Earth that he’s entirely incapable of fixing. It’s not like he doesn’t HAVE answers, they’re just... to much for him to even face. Guilt is a terrible thing.

***

DEAN: That is back in one piece, I see. And you're saying that there's some sort of a "How to punch Dick" recipe in there somewhere? KEVIN: I-I don't know what you're saying, but it seems kind of like an "in case of emergency" note. What did they mean by "prophet"? DEAN: Oh, no. [to SAM] Really? SAM: Yeah. Yeah, that's what the angel said. KEVIN: I don't want to be a prophet. DEAN: No. You don't at all.

Yeah... nobody wants to be a prophet. It’s a terrible job. No free will, no freedom at all, just ensnared into the service to God’s Word. (oh, and poor Kevin will try to resist, will willingly nearly kill himself trying to turn God’s Word around into a weapon he can wield. I can see why Chuck would single him out for specific “punishment” for messing around with his story like that.

***

MEG: Yeah. Yeah, Castiel. It's me. DEAN: Cas? Where? Where is he? MEG: [to DEAN] Shut up. CASTIEL: I’ll stop speaking. MEG: No. No, Cas. You talk. CASTIEL: [audible over MEG’s phone] I’m in a place called Perth. MEG: Perth? DEAN: Perth? As in Australia? MEG: What dogs? [to DEAN] He says he's surrounded by unhappy dogs. CASTIEL: They’re chasing a rabbit around [indistinct]… MEG: Oh. Okay. He's at a dog track in Perth. CASTIEL: I’m surrounded by large unhappy dogs. MEG: Yeah, they're unhappy 'cause the rabbit's fake. Listen, we're on highway 94, north of St. Cloud, Minnesota, just passing mile marker 79. CASTIEL materializes in the back seat between MEG and KEVIN.

Okay, first off, miscommunication. This is just riddled with miscommunication. But the background conversation, Cas is at a dog track surrounded by large, unhappy dogs. Kinda makes interesting light of all the “Dean is a Weird Dog” the show has been hammering on for years-- both literally and metaphorically. But... these dogs at the track are given the runaround. They’re trained to run a specific track for the entertainment of the spectators, running in endless circles chasing after a lure that they can never quite catch before they arrive at the finish line, where even winning the race just means they’ll have to run another round around the track the next day. And the lure? The rabbit they’re trained to follow after? It’s fake. It’s all part of the bigger game the poor dogs can’t escape from. I’d be unhappy, too.

Which is all a tidy metaphor for how Dean feels in s15, but how Cas has seen pretty much everything since way back at this point, if not far earlier.

Hence even more miscommunications, or at the very least each of them not understanding where the other is even coming from, based on these wildly different baseline perspectives. Cas, as an angel, had always been one of the spectators before Dean had pulled him into the race, so to speak. He’s always understood all of existence as a sort of game in this way, but Dean had never even had an inkling of the bigger game they were all part of all along. He’d thought he understood the rules, understood his role in the game, and it took until s15 for him to see that all of it had been a game to Chuck. That even when he’d thought he’d escaped the endless go-around of fake rabbits, it had only put him back at the startling line over and over again to run another race. And Cas... can’t understand Dean’s perspective here any more than Dean can understand Cas’s, despite them each believing they actually understand one another and just don’t care... awful, right?

***

CASTIEL: They're from the Garrison – my old Garrison. Looks like Hester's taken over. We were assigned to watch the earth. Often, it was boring. The wars were very boring and the sex – you know, the repetition. Anyway, I was, uh... I was their captain. Isn't that strange? SAM: Cas, why are they pissed at us now? CASTIEL: [to MEG] You know, those racing dogs were absolutely miserable. They can only think in ovals. DEAN: Cas, don't make me pull this car over! Why are angels after us? CASTIEL: Are you angry? Why are you angry? DEAN: No, I-I'm... Please, can we just stay on target? CASTIEL: There is no reason for anger. They're only following protocol. If the Word of God is revealed, a keeper of the Word will awaken, like this [He touches KEVIN’s nose] hot potato right here.

Observing creation enabled Cas to see the “repetition.” The endless loops. Like the dogs running in ovals. But he’s unable to connect with humanity directly right now, unable to risk feeling. And we’re back to doorways to doubt, and the same “only humans can feel true joy.” But also suffering. As long as he remains at a distance, he can protect himself from feeling all of that, from having to recognize his part in it.

And he doesn’t understand why Dean is angry that he keeps talking in circles.

Dean just wants to know why the angels are angry at THEM, why they’re coming after THEM when they’ve got so many other bigger problems they’re trying to solve.

***

CASTIEL: Anyway, Garrison code dictates you take the keeper to the desert to learn the Word away from men. DEAN: What kind of sense does that make? He has to tell us so that we can use it. CASTIEL: That's God and his shiny red apples.

Cas didn’t expect anything less from God. Dean just wants to stop the Leviathan from eating humanity and destroying life as they knew it, and Cas... doesn’t have anything to give.

***

DEAN: Okay, you know what? Screw the Garrison. We need the tablet to end Sick Roman's "Soylent Us" crap. CASTIEL: If you want the Word, you'll have to duck Hester and her soldiers. SAM: Yeah, you're in our corner, right, Cas? CASTIEL: No, I don't fight anymore. I watch the bees.

see? yet despite that declaration, Cas does try to help how he feels comfortable-- painting sigils to hide them from angels, but leaving off banishing sigils or he himself wouldn’t be able to stay. Kind of a conundrum, right? Sacrificing some of the safety Sam and Dean could’ve worked into the sigils so he himself could remain in the room with them.

***

CASTIEL: You seem troubled. Of course, that's a primary aspect of your personality, so I sometimes ignore it. SAM: Okay. Um... right now I'm just wondering about you. CASTIEL: What about me? You're worried about the burden I lifted from you. SAM: I think I was done for. Do you see Lucifer? CASTIEL: I did at first. But that was... It was a projection of yours, I think, sort of an aftertaste. Now I more see... well, everything. It's funny. I was – I was done for, too. The weight of all my mistakes, all those lives and souls lost, I... I couldn't take it, either. I was… I was lost until I took on your pain. It's strange to think that that helped, but – SAM: I know you never did anything but try to help. I realize that, Cas, and I'm grateful. We're all grateful. And we're gonna help you get better, okay? No matter what it takes. CASTIEL: What do you mean, "better"?

And here we have it. Sam plainly expresses his own guilt and regret over what’s become of Cas. But Cas hasn’t even begun to see how deep he’s buried himself to avoid dealing with his own guilt. Using Sam’s trauma as a sort of penance, he’s using that to “transfer” his own guilt away from himself, the way he shifted Sam’s trauma into himself. As if the second shift washes away the first and he’s wiped the slate clean. As long as he lets himself believe that, he doesn’t have to face what he’s done, and the consequences of his own choices.

Which is... kinda what Dean’s doing in early s15.

***

KEVIN: I am not prepared to factor the supernatural into my [DEAN puts the brown paper bag over KEVIN’s face] world view. DEAN: Okay, there we go. [He pats KEVIN on the back.] That's it. That's it. Just breathe. Take it easy. KEVIN holds onto the bag and breathes into it. DEAN: Oh, I don't know, man. What can I say? You've been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There's no use asking "why me?" 'Cause the angels – they don't care. I think maybe they just don't have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart.

I mean, Dean’s seen what trying to care has done to Cas. And Dean... was the one who pushed Cas to care in the first place.

***

And Meg kills a couple of demons who’d picked up their track, but that also brings the angels back down on them:

MEG: Typical. I save our bacon, and you're sitting here, waiting by a devil's trap. Seriously, I just killed two of Crowley's men. I could have gone the other way on that. CASTIEL: It's true, incidentally. There's other demons' blood on that blade. MEG: Look, I'm simpler than you think. I've figured one thing out about this world – just one, pretty much. You find a cause, and you serve it. Give yourself over, and it orders your life. Lucifer and Yellow Eyes – their mission was it for me. DEAN: So, what? We should trust you because you wanted to free Satan from Hell? MEG: I'm talking "cause," douchebag, as in reason to get up in the morning. Obviously, these things shift over time. We learn, we grow. Now, for me currently, the cause is bringing down the King. And I know we'll need help to do it. DEAN: Crowley ain't the problem this year. MEG: When are you gonna get it? Crowley's always the problem. He's just waiting for the right moment to strike. I know what I'm supposed to do. And it isn't screw with Sam and Dean or lose the only angel who'd go to bat for me. SAM breaks the devil’s trap with his foot. CASTIEL: This is good – harmony and communication. Now our only problem is Hester.

yeah, but they haven’t really communicated anything useful yet. But Cas does know that the angels are about to find them again...

***

HESTER:��You took the Prophet from us?! CASTIEL: I'm – I'm sorry? HESTER: You have fallen in every way imaginable. INAIS: Please, Castiel. We have to follow the code. Help us do our work. DEAN: He can't help you. He can't help anybody. HESTER: We don't need his help... or his permission. HESTER nods to INAIS, who nods back. There is the sound of angel wings and INAIS disappears. HESTER: The Keeper goes to the desert tonight. INAIS reappears with KEVIN. DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off. We're actually trying to clean up one of your angel's messes! You know that. CASTIEL: He's right. An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it. DEAN: Look, just give us some time, okay? We will take care of your Prophet. HESTER: Why should we give you anything... After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you're going to pay. HESTER walks towards DEAN. CASTIEL: Please. They're the ones we were put here to protect. HESTER: No, Castiel. HESTER backhands CASTIEL and he falls to the ground. INAIS and the other MALE ANGEL each hold up two fingers to stop DEAN and SAM from going to CASTIEL’s aid. HESTER: No more madness! [She punches CASTIEL.] No more promises! [She punches CASTIEL again.] No more new Gods! [She punches CASTIEL repeatedly and then holds up an angel knife.]

I couldn’t decide how to break this up to talk about it, because one thing leads directly into the next, and it all goes to context.

Hester accuses Cas of falling “in every way imaginable.” In the wake of their brush with free will, the remaining angels are attempting to restore the old order to Heaven, because there’s not much left to them than what they’d known before. When the new rules fail, the only thing they know to do is revert to the old rules.

Dean calls them out on it, and Cas even steps in to support Dean’s words. Only Cas can’t even say *I* and *me* here. He talks about himself in the third person, but at least he’s acknowledging what kicked off this mess, even if he’s still not taking direct responsibility for it. Not only that, he acknowledges that Dean had tried to stop him, and that he’d refused to listen. This seems to be a key point again in 15.03. The inability to acknowledge guilt and responsibility, and the refusal to listen. This entire conversation is just a few painful twists away from the Breakup Scene in 15.03.

But Hester lays down The Worst Truth, that Dean himself is at fault for destroying Cas, for just the TOUCH of him “corrupting” Cas, breaking him until he broke the world. To Dean, this was the equivalent confirmation of all his worst fears-- he’s poison, he’s worthless-- that Cas got from Belphegor in 15.03-- that Dean doesn’t care about him beyond his usefulness. But this is something that Dean will carry with him for YEARS, and which Dean will continue to feel in every dealing he has with Cas going forward-- that HE is at fault, that HE is unworthy, that everything that makes Cas “fall” in any way is because of him, because he’s poison. And so he internalizes every mistake that Cas makes, every burden he endures, as his own, because it’s all his fault anyway, right?

But Cas, too, learned a lesson here as Hester beat and prepared to kill him: NO MORE MADNESS. NO MORE NEW GODS. And when confronted with the truth of what Belphegor planned-- to become a new god in the same way that Cas had-- he understood what he had to do. He would not exchange one problem for another, exchange one apocalypse for one that would likely be even worse. It was a terrible choice, and I think this is the root of his decision.

***

Here have some dramatic irony, and the demon saving Cas’s life:

INAIS: Hester! No! [He grabs HESTER’s arm.] Please! There's so few of us left. HESTER punches INAIS in the face with the hand holding the knife. HESTER: [to CASTIEL] You wanted free will. Now I'm making the choices. HESTER raises the knife. White light blazes from her chest and she falls to the ground. MEG has stabbed her. MEG: What? Someone had to.

Hester claimed she was choosing her actions now, using the same excuse of Free Will that Cas himself had claimed as his motivation for swallowing Purgatory in the first place. Even when everything she’d done had been in the name of restoring the Old Order, of following the Rules that angels had always obeyed. Talk about not getting the point of Free Will.

This is what Dean’s struggling with now in s15, with his own long-held understanding of what Free Will even meant, with this new context that Chuck had repeatedly thrown new obstacles in his path, personally. There are no rules left, or so it feels like to him. There’s nothing to revert back to, or hold on to as an ideal, when every choice they make has been engineered to lead them to equally bad outcomes.

***

But Cas... he’s understood this for a very long time:

INAIS: These are strange times. CASTIEL: I think they've always been. INAIS puts a hand on CASTIEL’s arm. INAIS: I wish you'd come with us. CASTIEL: Oh, I'm not part of the Garrison anymore, Inias. I'm sorry.

Sure, he’ll be forced back against his will, but in a way that will help save him eventually. It won’t feel like salvation for years to come, though, but it’s a journey.

***

SAM: Here. “Leviathan cannot be slain but by a bone of a righteous mortal washed in the three bloods of the fallen.” Uh... It says we need to start with the blood of a fallen angel. SAM and DEAN look at CASTIEL. CASTIEL: Well, you know me. [He holds out a small bottle.] I'm always happy to bleed for the Winchesters. CASTIEL hands the bottle, which is filled with blood, to DEAN. DEAN: What are you gonna do, Cas? CASTIEL: I don't know. [He smiles.] Isn't that amazing?

AAAAHAHAHAH. Angel blood, required by Belphegor’s first spell. This scene was directly paralleled in 15.01, and with context, it’s it awful? After refusing to fight for the entire episode, Cas is happy to bleed. To do penance, but not to be burdened with action or responsibility. And with complete freedom to choose his next move, to choose for himself what to do with himself, he... chooses nothing. And heck, I get it, after billions of years of thinking he didn’t have ANY choices, suddenly he’s presented with EVERY OPTION, and is DELIGHTED by that.

But the one thing he WON’T choose? Staying with Dean. Standing by Dean’s side while he fights to clean up Cas’s mess.

Dean’s next line to Sam after Cas leaves? “Well, let’s get to work.”

They can’t rest yet. They can’t stop, because the world’s still ending and they’re still entirely on their own. Only now they’re armed with at least a DIRECTION they can work toward. It’s something, but... it’s still just the two of them alone against the apocalypse. Which is what Cas had spent s6 trying to avoid. And can’t face at all now.

And this is what Dean had long since resigned himself to-- that Cas, given the choice, would leave. So Cas choosing to leave in 15.03? I think Dean was shocked he hadn’t left sooner.

And then of course there’s the angels dying when they return Kevin to his home, only to be deceived by Leviathan and abducted.

He just couldn’t win. And neither could Cas, and neither could Dean and Sam. It was an unwinnable game that would just break them all again.

I could do a post like this for 7.22, and for 7.23, and probably for every other episode from all the episodes between then and now, but this has taken me all day. I really hope y’all are making all the same connections, spotting all the thematic subversions and twists of every turn of the narrative spiral between then and now. But this episode killed me today. And it gives a lot of obvious context to Dean and Cas’s choices and issues in early s15 that led to the Breakup. But hopefully it also lays down the foundation of what they truly need to put out on the table to move past this impasse.

They need to put down something better than Sorry! They need to use real words and actually listen to each other. But the fact that scene in 15.03 directly called out this miscommunication, this refusal to listen (and it’s not just on Dean here, but Cas has refused to listen, too). And now the narrative demands they have that conversation for real. For their own good, but for the good of the world, to break these eternal ovals and finally break free of this endless chasing after the fake rabbit.

[firstumcschenectady]

“Requirements” based on Micah 6:1-8 and Matthew 5:1-12

By my records, this is the 4th time I've preached on the Beatitudes here, and the 7th time overall.  To be honest, this makes things a little bit challenging.  To be a responsible preacher, I think I have to go over the basics each time, but to be an INTERESTING preacher I need to offer you something new.  The Beatitudes, however, have been around for a while and they aren't … well...new.

In fact, they're so not new to those of us with lifetime exposures to Christianity, that I'm not sure we can hear them anymore.  Bruce Malina and Richard Rohrbough wrote the “Social-Science Commentary on the Synoptic Gospels” which is one of the most useful books I've ever met.  They put the Gospels into a social context, and use it to explain how things would have made sense in the stories and to those first hearing the stories.

Their commentary on the Beatitudes is particularly helpful, as they DISAGREE with the general consensus that “blessed” can be translated as “fortunate” or “lucky” or “happy.”  Those are all good translations of the Latin version of the text, but they miss the social context of Jesus's day.  Instead, they point out:

The language used here, i.e. 'blessed' is honorific language. … Contrary to the dominant social values, these 'blessed are...' statements ascribe honor to those unable to defend their positions or those who refuse to take advantage of or trespass on the position of another.  They are not those normally honored by the culture.  Obviously, then, the honor granted comes from God, not from the usual social sources.1

The honor bit of this isn't simply honor like we understand it today. One of the primary points of the book is that honor and shame were understood as a zero-sum reality in the Mediterranean region at that time.  One was born into a certain amount of honor or shame and the only way one gained honor was by gaining it FROM someone else and that person then experienced an increase in shame.  Honor was the FUNDMENTAL value in society, and it was a “limited good.”  In fact, the “poor” and the “rich” in the New Testament are not actually economic terms to begin with.  Rather, to be “poor” was to be a person living with less honor than one was born to, and to be “rich” was to have gained honor from others.  Malina and Rorhrbough put it this way, “The ancient Mediterranean attitude was that every rich person is either unjust or the hair of an unjust person,” one who had stolen from others what they had.2 They conclude that,”The terms 'rich' and 'poor' therefore, are better translated 'greedy,' and socially unfortunate.'”3 (This isn't to say poverty wasn't an issue, it was just such a UNIVERSAL issue that it wasn't actually the focus.)

This understanding of honor, and the connection of honor to “blessed are...”, is the key to understanding the Beatitudes in their original context.  The challenge is that sometimes the text has been used to mean the opposite of it's intention.  When “Blessed are...” is translated “lucky” it can SEEM like the beatitudes are saying: “Lucky are the ones who struggle, don't worry about them, they're better off than you think.”  Thus the social order of the day, whatever day it may be, is upheld and people's suffering is justified.

That sounds sort of like what a STANDARD set of honor and shame statements would have been – the ones describing society as it was in Jesus's day:

Honorable are those born into good families.

Honorable are those who are spoken well of in the town square.

Honorable are those who own large estates.

Honorable are the elected officials who make the rules.

Honorable are those who have many servants.

Honorable are those who have the status to control others.

Honorable are those who have the ear of power.

Honorable are those who can enforce their will with violence.

Honorable are those who speak, and others have to listen.

That is, honor belongs to and is used by those are are already powerful, important, and wealthy.  So, shame belongs to the powerless, the unimportant, the poor, and those who lose status.  This clarifies just how different the statements in Matthew's gospel really are. Because those that society shames, God does not.

Given the information we have, the Beatitudes might be heard as:

Honorable to God are those who have lost the honor of society, while they do not own the kingdoms of earth, they are part of the kindom of heaven.

Honorable to God are those who are mourn, while they have lost that which matters, loss is not the final word.

Honorable to God are those who refuse to harm others, while they may lose out on power and wealth, they will end up with everything that truly matters.

Honorable to God are those who hunger and thirst for fairness, righteousness, and justice – it is coming.

Honorable to God are the merciful – those who do not demand what they have a right to and shame others – they will also receive mercy when they need it.

Honorable to God are those who are pure in heart, the kind, for when they look in the world, they are able to see the hand of God at work.

Honorable to God are the peace-able people, the ones who reject violence and seek win-win situations, they are like God.

Honorable to God are the ones who are shamed by society for making the right choices, they also are a part of the kindom of heaven.

Jesus is describing an ENTIRELY ALTERNATE values system, one that ignores the things that society cared about and instead focuses about caring for each other, building each other up, not being willing to do harm, and inverting the assumptions about how honor and shame work.

The work of Jesus in this Matthew passage tracks well with the questions posed in Micah.  In this passage God reminds the people what God has done for them, and they respond with a wish to show appropriate... well, honor and difference to God.  This leads to the question, “With what shall I come before the LORD?” and the initial thoughts are the sorts of gifts one might bring a king to indicate that one understands oneself to be a vassal – that the approval of the king is important to your own continued life.    But the answer is that God does NOT work like that.  God isn't looking for bribes, like the kings of the world.  God is looking for something else entirely.

You may well know this answer: to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.  Sounds a bit like the Beatitudes, doesn't it?

I asked a question last week about how we as Christians are supposed to be in relationship with the world.  I think, perhaps, this is a large part of the answer.  We are to exist within an alternative value system, one that sees the world with different eyes.  We are to see the values of justice, and of kindness, of humility, of peacefulness, of humility, of mercy  - and let those values guide our lives.  How we relate to the world at large is not in rejection or complicity – it is with seeing it with different eyes.  

In the video for the Living the Questions study last week Rev. Winnie Varghese suggests that as Christians we should be dreaming dreams so big that the world thinks we are CRAZY, and the dreams are impossible. The reason, she says, is because God dreams of a truly just society, and we're supposed to be dreamers with God.  I think that both Micah and the Beatitudes point us in the direction of God's dreams – of value systems that value compassion, collaboration, and kindness.  May we dream right alongside of God, and act accordingly. Amen

1Bruce J. Malina and Richard L. Rorhrbough Social-Science Commentary on the Synoptic Gospels (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 2003) “Textual Notes: Matthew 5:1-12” p. 41.

2Malina, 400.

3Malina, 401.

Rev. Sara E. Baron First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 Pronouns: she/her/hers http://fumcschenectady.org/

02-02-2020

[beccaland]

Fandom Tag Meme

I was tagged by the wonderful @tardisly, and then I wrote my answers to several of these on a lunch break, but ran out of time, so I saved it as a draft and only just discovered that I never finished it! Same thing happened to a bit of dinner I had to reheat in the microwave the other day, because I got distracted reading an article while I was waiting. I have really embraced the absentminded professor stereotype lately. ANYWAY.

1. Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s):

Shipping’s not my main fandom thing, but I’m definitely a Doctor/River shipper. I know it’s flawed and cheesy, but it just works for me. River and the Doctor are mad enough, and alike enough, and different enough for each other, and their weird timey-wimey relationship suits them perfectly. They feel balanced as a couple.

2. A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind (bonus points: who was that person).

I mean, Twelve/Clara sort of? I still really see them as a BroTP and don’t ship them myself, but I can at least see where the romantic shippers are coming from.

Also Five/Nyssa or Eight/Nyssa. Again, I don’t actually ship them in the sense of wanting stories where they’re a couple, but after listening to some of Nyssa’s BFAs and talking with @whovianhermit about people who’d actually make a good romantic partnership with the Doctor (as opposed to being exciting, fun, or adorable, but not necessarily healthy), I really think Nyssa is one of the few people in the universe who’d work. Except I can’t really see her giving up her own lifesaving work, or wanting to make a life in the TARDIS. So it’s definitely going to be a LDR, but really--what long-term relationship with the Doctor could ever not be a LDR?

3. A pairing you used to love, but it all fell apart for you.

LOL I feel like @tardisly and I are answering a lot of these shippy questions the same. Ten/Rose in principle is a good ship, though not one that I could imagine lasting even Rose’s entire remaining lifespan, let alone the Doctor’s. And that’s not a criticism of their relationship, because I really believe that some genuinely good relationships aren’t meant to last “forever.” Like, I sort of see them as a kind of college romance? A good relationship that runs its natural course and they both move on, forever changed for the better by the time they spent together, and forever holding a special place in each other’s hearts, but both OK with having moved on. But ten years on, I’m just kind of bored with it all now. HOWEVER, David and Billie are doing a Big Finish box set, so we’ll see if they can rekindle my excitement for the Ten/Rose ship at all.

4. Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what?

Probably the Trees of Rassilon headcannon that @theenigmaofriversong​ and I sort of riffed on each other about.

5. What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

Well, I joined rec.arts.drwho in the early 90s, though spent some years later on being a Whovian but not so much in fandom. But there’s no fandom that I’ve spent more time in than this one. I am constant in my affections.

6. Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it?

Probably Mulder/Scully. I can’t remember one before them.

7. Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over Tumblr.

Parks and Recreation

8. Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike).

The Sixth Doctor is way better in the audios than I remember him being from the classic series--much more thoughtful and a bit less abrasive. Also his flirting with River is adorable.

9. Name three things you wish you saw more of in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

Eight, Liv, Helen fanfic & fan art

Enthusiasm for and content about Classic Who and Big Finish

More well-informed criticism and meta of all eras; less ridiculous hatred dressed up as legitimate criticism based on bad analysis of certain characters and showrunners.

10. Choose a song at random; which ship or character does it remind you of?

“Cosmic Love” by Florence + the Machine; Doctor/River

11. A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships.

This would be extremely unlikely to happen, since I pretty much don’t bother with ships that aren’t canon or at least heavily implied. 

12. Your most scandalous headcanon for your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s).

River never picks up her socks, and it drives the Doctor nuts when they’re living together for 24 years. Eventually in a fit of rage he gathers all the dirty socks up and instead of washing them and putting them away like usual, he chucks them in a black hole. It takes River a week to notice she doesn’t have any socks and another month to bother getting new socks. She doesn’t pick those ones up either.

I literally just made that up on the spot. I didn’t have any scandalous headcanons; this is the best I could do.

13. Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)?

The Doctor is varying degrees of asexual, depending on their incarnation. Some regenerations are demi, and some are sex-repulsed. Almost all the Doctor’s regenerations are panromantic, but a couple are aromantic. 

14. 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms.

The Doctor (all of them), from Doctor Who

Samantha Carter, Stargate SG-1

Susan Ivanova, from Babylon 5

Tiffany Aching, Discworld

Rupert Giles, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

15. 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms.

Doctor/River, Doctor Who

Sam/Jack, Stargate SG-1

John/Delenn, Babylon 5

16. 5 brotps:

Twelve & Clara <3 <3 <3

Ten & Donna

Eight & Lucie

Leela & K-9

I strongly suspect that Benny and Warner!Doctor are becoming another...

17. Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go (prompts optional but encouraged).

I listened to “The Auntie Matter” this morning. It’s a Fourth Doctor and Romana I audio in the style of a PG Wodehouse comedy and it’s hilarious and perfect and just way way too short; why aren’t there more Wodehouse/Wilde-style Doctor Who stories??? And then in the commentary at the end, the cast and crew talked about how Mary Tamm fell ill shortly before they were to begin recording, but she insisted on doing the audios despite her illness, and although they completed that run, she died six months before the first of them was released. Tom Baker talked about losing Lis Sladen and Mary Tamm and Caroline John all in the space of about a year, and I was crying, remembering what it felt like at the time to lose these people I never knew but loved nonetheless, and thinking how much more keenly those who actually knew them must have felt their loss. But also what a privilege we have, that in a way they’re still with us, because of this amazing body of work. 

Tagging (only if you wanna do it): @animate-mush @ravenskyewalker @theenigmaofriversong @evilqueenofgallifrey @mewiet

[iristial]

a ramble about writers and readers

I suppose writers owe readers to a certain extent – not anything, not everything, just a certain extent. I think that certain extent lies in the positives of fanfic writing, if I were to talk about the subject.

Readers are the reason a writer would get kudos, likes, upvotes; indicators that someone liked a fic and wanted to express it at the click of a button.

Readers are the reason a writer receives reviews that talk about how they enjoyed the fic, what made them feel emotional; basically they’re communicating their feelings and writers jump around a room because yes, the reader also gets what they’re trying to convey. It’s difficult to put emotions down in words next to painting it or drawing it out.

Readers are the reason some writers could be motivated to continue their fic. Maybe the writer has ideas but doesn’t have the courage or motivation to expand on it. Then comes along a reader who expresses their interest and might even be the inspiration to continue the fic – it shows that the writer isn’t the only one who might think “this fic is something I want to see happening”

But writers owe readers to a certain extent when it comes to the positives.

Writers do not owe readers who decide to spread discourse about a fic simply because they dislike it, and not because of legitimate, reasonable arguments.

Writers do not owe readers who insist the writer should comply with their requests when no means no. The writer may receive inspiration from the reader or from someone else for a fic, but in the end they are the ones writing the fic. They are the ones providing the content. They are people with their own interests, and if a writer doesn’t want to write about a pairing, then they won’t write about the pairing. There’s nothing to it; if a reader disagrees, they should just find a writer who provides the content they want or respect the writer’s choices, not send them discourse at every turn and corner.

Writers do not owe readers updates in general. Of course, as a fanfic writer myself, I love updating and hearing the thoughts of those who want more of the story. But writers don’t owe updates; it’s hard to put together fics – there is a reason why writers constantly talk about “having one billion ideas but no updated fics”.

Writers do not owe readers who give reviews containing criticism. This one is very debateable, I suppose, especially when reviews can legitimately help writers to improve their writing or fix certain areas. And naturally, at some point in their lives people are bound to receive criticism – not everything is going to be paragraphs or lines of people saying how much they love a fic. But criticism is something some people take harder than others. In fact, the whole point of fanfiction, really, is to have fun. It’s not English class, I don’t penalize you for mistakes whether or not they affect the story, I don’t have the right to copy and paste a portion of grammar rules and post it into the commentary section. Some people deliberately ignore grammar rules for stylistic choices (I’ve seen a lot of K-Pop fic where they don’t capitalize a single letter but that’s never bothered me) or just because they wrote something on a whim. It’s inevitable that at some point I may find a fic I don’t particularly like, but in the end there’s nothing I can do about and I don’t have the right to do anything about it. If you don’t like a fic? You’re free to do so, but just let the author be (as the saying goes, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it”), maybe ask them first if they wish to receive criticism because you genuinely want to help them, or find a fic you’ll enjoy in that fic’s place.

Writers do not owe readers who demand for an update without regards to a writer’s feelings. I once read through a wonderful Big Hero 6 fic that got put on hiatus in between because the writer had undergone personal loss. At the time I read the author’s note, the fic was then completed, and so I simply hoped that the writer had healed and recovered, if only a little. Their personal health mattered more than a fanfiction. But then the next chapter’s author’s note expressed fury at a certain reviewer. I got curious, looked through the reviews for the previous chapter and what I saw was this message, paraphrased: “When are you going to update? I know that you’ve experienced the death of a friend but it’s been months since that happened. You should be over it by now.”

Needless to say, I was furious. Writers never owe this sort of reader anything

The whole “writers owe readers” deal…I personally think it goes both ways. Writers owe readers to some extent for the positives, but a writer will never owe a reader who spawns any of the negatives I’ve mentioned and possibly more.

[rilenerocks]

People talk about their spirit animals. Or about which animal they’d be if there was really reincarnation. My mind has glanced over that topic more than once in my life. I used to think that if I wasn’t human, I’d be a dolphin. I like their big brains. I like that they hang around in groups and are strong communicators. And they’re helpful, seemingly altruistic. All of those traits appeal to me. As I’ve matured and looked at myself differently than I did years ago, I realized that my personality has shifted, along with my interest in nature. A bird girl when I was little, I’ve grown more interested in them in more recent years. I’m a skywatcher, a cloudchaser. I still love water. What could be a better spirit animal for me than an albatross? They’re gliders. They can fly for thousands of miles, never touching land, feeding from the sea. The majority of them mate for life. I mean, seriously, is this me or what?

So you might think the quarantine has pushed me over the edge. Not really. I’ve just been a little raw lately. Unlike the brave health workers who go to their hospitals daily, experiencing horror and death, I’ve been able to have the luxury of distance from that harsh reality for some time. This month will mark the third anniversary of Michael’s death. I was at his side, holding his hand, in our own home. An event so unlike these tragedies I read about, when people drop their loved ones at emergency rooms and never see them again. How unbearable, as is so much in the news cycle. Since March, I’ve experienced three deaths. One was my dear friend, Julie, an expected loss, but the end of a 50 year relationship. Last week, I heard of another friend’s death, this one a more casual friend, the kind with whom you can have a nice chat when you run into each other. She died from Covid19 at only sixty-one. This week, it was a man I’d known since he was very young, a musician who worked in my husband’s music store, and was part of a circle of people who moved in and around the periphery of my world for four decades. Michael and I were invited to his first wedding, an alternative and off-beat affair. I watched him perform in his bands until eventually the 10 year gap between us, meant that I was chasing children around while he was still doing gigs. In the past few years, we’d reestablished contact and exchanged thoughts and music over social media. His death was by suicide at age 59. This tough month of May also contains the birthday of my best friend from childhood, another suicide who I still grieve after 32 years. Everything suddenly felt like too much. So I headed out to chase the clouds on a beautiful sunny day, trying to climb over the mounting pain from each end of life.

The endless changing cloud formations never bore me. Instead they make me feel more centered and conscious of my place in the world. After driving around for an hour, I headed back home to push a little further into my never ending list of things to do. I started with the garden, checking out the latest blooms and the ones getting ready to open. I always have some anxiety every spring as I know there will be losses due to who knows what. And then there’s the satisfaction of the reliable, familiar ones who come back each year. Now, given the always surprising Illinois weather, a polar vortex has been served up for tonight, with frost expected. I admired what plants already arrived, hoping they’d survive this night. The ones in pots, hanging baskets and raised beds cost me an hour of bundling them up as best I could, trying to make sure they have their best shot at seeing another day.

I was really happy that I’d restrained myself from repotting and putting my tropical miracle from last year outside to weather the elements. Last year, a friend of mine gave me a gorgeous plant called a Duranta Sapphire tree for my birthday, also this month. I showered it with care, pretty certain I’d kill it in this unpredictable environment. But it hung on. So I kept watering it until suddenly, it was November and still it survived. I thought that any plant that wanted to live so much deserved a chance, so I brought it into my house.  It’s still alive and soon I’ll repot it and bring it to the garden where I hope it will enjoy another glorious summer. Next I crossed the street to see how my kids’ new chickens were doing. The older hens had them boxed into a corner, making them perfect targets for a few photos.

After that, I went back home to work in the garage for a bit. I’ve made progress in there, finding some things that were easy to toss out and others that I’ll be keeping for a long time. A while back I wrote a blog called “The Soul of a Garage,” basically a commentary on how Michael’s presence was so palpable in there. I’m carving out my own space now,  although his hobbies and projects still emerge from the corners. Today was no exception. Michael was one of those guys who could do almost anything. In the old days before cars were so heavily computerized, he was always fixing carburetors, doing brakes, dealing with oil pans and lots of other stuff I can’t begin to name. So how great was it when I found his creeper and his coveralls? After wiping away some grime, the oak sheen of the creeper came shining through, along with the name of the company which produced it. I looked it up, The Anderson’s and found that it finally closed its doors in 2017. Because Michael was 6’4,” his auto mechanic coveralls were so long I could barely hang them up. But I used a garden tool and finally reached a hook. Those will stay in the garage.

I found one of his baseball bats. His glove is in the house. When he played softball for years with the High and Mighty team, his nickname was “Stick,” because he was such a reliable hitter. He loved that game, but years of swinging gave him a string of herniated disks and one back surgery. I also found his tackle box still filled with lures, reels, filleting knives and other gear. Every summer for many years, he and three buddies headed up to Nelson’s Resort In Minnesota, near the boundary waters, where they fished for walleye and northern pike. At night they played bridge. I always missed him when he was gone but they always had a great time and brought their trophies back for a fish fry.

I was feeling pretty good after hanging around in the garage. I’d cleaned, discarded old junk, found things worth keeping which brought good memories, and had gotten a bit over the top of a sad day. I decided to continue my newly recovered baking skills and went inside to do a banana bread. As I got my ingredients together, I cracked my first egg and got a double yolk. My mom always used to tell me that was a sign of good luck.    I assembled everything, put the bread in the oven and reflected on how my day’s choices were positive and had smoothed the rough edges off my sadness. By this time it was nearing dusk and I went back outside to snap a few shots of the lovely sky. When I came back inside, the bread was a warm golden brown and the house smelled and felt warm and homey. After dinner, I popped the computer open to catch up on social media and  the news.

On a mutual friend’s Facebook page, there was commentary on the man who’d committed suicide. Someone I didn’t know had written the question, “So is anyone else from the Record Service(my husband’s former business,) dead besides Nick and Michael? I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. This stranger couldn’t have known that I was a person who might read that line. I’m sure she didn’t know that the anniversary of Michael’s death is bearing down on me and my family. Reading her dispassionate, gossipy question threw a big bucket of cold water on my improved mood. I couldn’t imagine asking a question like that in a public forum because to me, it’s remarkably insensitive. And so is a lot of the world. Within seconds, I was back in my albatross dream. I am gliding away from any land mass, following the water. I hear no human voices saying thoughtless things. I can go for miles and miles with nothing but sky and clouds ahead and ocean below. Eventually I’ll get back to my mate, my mate for life. And beyond. Sounds like a plan to me. 

Albatross Dream People talk about their spirit animals. Or about which animal they’d be if there was really reincarnation.